#hey listen this is a lazy ass sketch but we get what we get

[mispatchedgreens]

hello, the band au will live forever. (it's also most definitely not for research)

[writingforyourpleasure]

ON THE ROAD AGAIN

Characters: GERARD WAY x Reader 

 Link to chapter four :   https://writingforyourpleasure.tumblr.com/post/616411340391759872/on-the-road-again

Warnings : None 

 Author’s note: Hello ! Hope you’re all doing okay during those strange times ? Sorry for not posting but I had my en-of-the-year exam, but it’s now done and , I only got a few homework to hand-over now and my second year in college’ll be done !Here you go thank you to keep reading .

5.      “ Pun-master “

  You woke up, feeling something or someone moving in front of you . You started to groan at the uncomfortable feeling not wanting to get up just yet.

“And what owe me the pleasure to be assisted by your presence tonight sir Way?” You said while looking for plates.

The mass finally moved away , listening to your complains .

You woke up what felt just five minutes later but probably was in reality hours after it. Your eyes fluttered slowly as if they were disconnected from your brain. A light shine from the outside was peeking through your tinted window as soon as you truly started to wake up , you realized that Gerard wasn’t here anymore.

“Right…” You breathed out to yourself. Honestly you didn’t want to wake up. You were scared , scared of overthinking this , and because of that you actually was overthinking it . Your brain wasn’t playing on your favor . You didn’t knew how you were gonna survive today. The worst was, you didn’t knew how to act with Gerard , what happened yesterday night wasn’t that big of a deal, really , but again ; you were overthinking it . You just wanted to act normal with him , and was prying your brain to not let you down once you’ll see him. You felt so stupid for having a crush on one of your coworker and friends. You got up and hoped for the best.

You got out of your nest , only to find that you were alone in the bus and that you already had arrived into the next parking’s venue . You went directly to the kitchenette and groaned realized that you guys were short on coffee. You finally resigned yourself and went for the shower.

You got out of the bus a dozen of minutes later to find the parking lot empty except for the security that was already keeping everything on check. You checked your phone to see that it was 3pm . You had enough time, to get yourself a coffee somewhere and not stressing about when to comeback since you didn’t had to repeat with Dex or anything. You put back in your , old black Green Day’s hoodie, pocket your phone . You’ve dressed yourself as unfashionable as it is socially allowed , your laziness was clearly reflecting itself through most of your actions today. You put your headphones on , listening to the last Fever 333’s album and searched on google maps for the nearest Starbucks, once again a reflect of your laziness you figured.

You arrived to the welcoming smell of dirty beans being ground and hot milk.

Once you got your order you looked around for a seat since the place was pretty full, luckily you got one in front of the glass and on both sides what appeared to be two couples . Great. You hope that you’ll be lucky and won’t have to witness the same amount of smooshing in both of them. The teenage one , on your right , were the ones all over each other, with the boy groping at every part accessible of his what-you-presumed-to-be his girlfriend. The one on your left were two men in suits holding each other hands while talking , you sat facing the widow and the other empty seat. You got out of your backpack your sketch book and a pencil starting to draw people passing by while music took you in other world. A tap on your shoulder took you of guard , you got off your headphones .

“Yes ?” you turned around your head to see who was trying to get your attention.

“Hey, is this seat taken ?” Dex was smiling down at you with a big smile.

You said nothing instead kicking the seat in front of you, back to the glass for them to seat.

“I feel like it’s been a while since we talked .” Dex said sitting and looking expectantly at you.

“What are you talking ‘bout we talked just yesterday.” You said not looking up from your sketch book.

“Don’t play dumb y/n , you know what I mean. Like just the two of us ?” Dex sighed , seeing that you decided to not play cooperative . This time you did look up to your friend with a blank expression . Watching their eyebrows furrowed in confusion. It’s true , lately you tried to somewhat distance yourself since you were trying to figure out what the hell was happening with Gerard and you knew that being close to Dex would not help one second . Your friend knew how to read you even when you tried to hide something as well as you could. You had thinked that if Dex was about to ask questions it would make it weird since you were all working together . If you fucked up at any moments , you’ll have nowhere to hide and sometimes it can be a great deal of pain . But apparently you didn’t succeed not to make it awkward since your friend was not so happy that you act a little colder than usual . You were already fucking cold to any strangers , so to be cold to them was shitty. You sighed and run a hand through your now greasy hair . You needed to take a shower quickly , maybe it could wait after the show .

“Hey earth to y/n, hellooo?”

“Huh yeah sorry I was gone for a few…”

“Yeah no shit .”

“Sorry… like for all of it it’s true I’ve been kinda avoiding you guys.”

“Meh it happens , I mean it’s okay we all got our own problems.”

Dex tried to stay warm inside of the Starbucks but you could sense that being against a cold ass window wasn’t helped them to get the warmth that provided the Starbucks.

“I’m so cold….” They whispered as they took a gulp from their drink.

“Well….then stand in a corner .” You replied taking a large gulp of your hot drink too.

“What-Why ?”

“Think..”

“No….. please tell me it’s not because of what I think dude.”

“Coz’ corners are 90 degrees.” You said with a smug smile.

“Ho god …. Ok you know what maybe it’s for the best to be socially distant haha. It is so bad please do not do that again?”

“You’re asking way to much to the pun master .”

“More like the master of fucking nothing y’mean .”

“What did you said peasant , I think I didn’t quite hear that ?”

“Ho nothing .” said your friend smiling like a fool.

“Y/N I’m still fucking cold !” Said your friend trying to warm themselves up by rubbing strongly their arms.

“And how is that my problem , my dear?”

“Someday I really am going to kill you , y’know?” Told Dex between their teeth, with a little grunt along the way.  

“Y/N , Can I borrow your scarf? I’m seriously freezing. ”

“Well I can’t turn into a heater for you now can I? So do you want me to set you on fire? Because, I mean it’s still an option? Like I have my lighter right here so….?” You joked while giving them your scarf.

They gave you a warning glance as if they believed you . Then on a very exasperate note they sighed and said :

“Why are you like this?”              

You both laughed at that getting some curious looks from other clients. Once both of calmed down you try to get serious talking about the elephant in the room .

“Hey , can I ask your advice on something?”

“Absolutely , but I only advise communication, homosexuality, or murder.” Answered your friend earning a smug know-it-all smile out of you.

You were about to start to get off of your chest the whole “Hey I think I may or may not like the lead singer of the band for which we’re working for.” They cut you off.

“WAIT!”

“Yeah ?”

“Are you absolutely positive this isn’t dangerous or something?” They looked very serious about this , which had the reflex to make you roll your eyes deep inside your skull.

“I’m 95% sure, but yeah, I’ve failed fourth grade math so…” You decided to answer her stupid question with a stupid answer.

“Ho okay then we’re good I failed second grade! So just before we start , how long will this take ? I got to pick up my dog at the salon. «You both laughed at that. «No but like seriously we’ll have to go back to the bus eventually . Maybe tell me along the way back?”

“Alright , alright” You both got up from your seats and finally got out of the Starbucks.

“So huh, you remember when we got the 1 week break , alright?”

“Right. “

“Well huh, me and Gerard started talking by text pretty often during this time.”

“Ho. Did you now ?” They said waving their eyebrows in a suggestive way.

“No not like that calm down, you demon fuck .”

“Always a pleasure to fill my responsibilities.”

“You weirdo….” You whispered under your breath.

“Ho do not act if you aren’t even weirder man ! “

“Anyway, I just , I don’t know . I think, I think I may like him y’know?”

“Well it’s pretty comprehensible , I mean he’s hot .”

“I’m not talking about this you twat!”

“Ho c’mon you can’t say he isn’t !”

“Haha ,He is , I ‘ve sight too I’d let you know. It’s just not the point here .”

“You do? Sorry it’s hard to tell when you dress yourself like that .

“You bitch!” You choked on your drink , coughing violently.

“I’m just kind of dreading to really assuming the whole ‘hey by the way I’m hitting on you’ I don’t want to make it weird during the tour , when we’re not even at the half of it. And I don’t wish for everyone to see that I am hitting on him. I’m not ready.” You explained to Dex , not really wanting to expose everything you and Gerard said or do , foremost because there’s not that much to say

“Maybe not hitting on him is a good call since if you do I’m pretty sure he’s gonna freak out hearing your lame puns.”

“May I recall to you that I’m the pun-master AND the master of pickup lines ?”

“You completely suck at pickup lines, bro.”

“No I don’t !”

“The last time you tried one of you’re pickup lines was on this poor cute girl in Louisiana when you said ‘Are you Google –“

“CUZ YOU’RE EVERYTHING I’M SEARCHING FOR !!!”

“Yeah no wonder it didn’t worked !”

“I’m a genius , you’ll miss me when I’m gone.”

“You wish . So why are you’re feeling attracted to the guy ?”

“Well you see my kink is when people actually care about my feelings and what I have to say. And Since I know him he seems to correspond to this criteria , so I find it pretty attractive and hot since it’s my main kink.”

“Yeah , too unrealistic. Settle for bondage like the rest of us.”

“Where you ever nice Dex ?”

“2012, worst year of my life.” You laughed at what your friend said . “No but more seriously y/n, just let it happen y’know? And when you have the feeling that both of you are having a moment then maybe hit on him but stay subtle y’know?”

“I just want him to take me out…”

“Like, on a date or with a sniper ?”

“He’ll have to surprise me .” You both laughed before changing the subject to the little surprise you’ve both had planned for Max, since he was spending all of his nights and days working on your band , you wanted to do something nice for him. You bought a cookbook a few weeks ago for him as a present for the occasion, he often baked pastries as a distressful way to exhale from work time. Even though the bus condition made it hard to cook anything big it already was a good start. And you bought some bottle of Irish hard cider, since he had said it was the best thing he ever tasted when you all took a vacation to Dex family house there. After getting back to the bus everything went pretty fast , but the talk with Dex about Gerard was still playing in your mind. Ames saw that you were lost in your thoughts most of the time and ask you several times if everything was okay, you tried to act like you didn’t knew what he was talking about and you all moved on with your day . Mikey, Frank , Gerard and Ray were already in your bus when you had come back from your coffee session, and they yelled at you for not texting them and taking them with you. You brushed it off saying that next time you would. Gerard had tried to share looks with you during the day but you were too much caught up into your head to notice.

The show this night was nice and almost too short even if you guys took a ten minutes on My chemical romance planning since you played a special song. Once you were backstage Ames and Billy started their routines taking everything off stage to let place for the boys. To go faster Max offered to help them. It gave you and Dex a chance to run to the bus to prepare your little plan. You took any cushions , pillow and anything fluffy you could find , when you were done the bunks were quite a mess but you didn’t want to think of it since you still had to prepare the hard cider and the cake you brought from the Mark & Spencer’s not having too much time to find anything else. By the time everything was served , you knew that My chem was done with their show too , so you decided to prepare them a part too , you made a point to serve a apple juice instead of the cider for Gerard , not wanting him to feel excluded or anything. Max had been held backstage by Billy and Ames who were your dearest allies as ever.

You installed yourself with every plates and drinks giggling between the two of you alone in the bus to stupid jokes.

A knock made itself hear through the bus and Billy appeared into the kitchenette area before being followed by Ames and Max , who where looking at you with huge smiles spread across their face and a snort from the three of them.

“What the fuck did you do with our beds ?” Asked Max between a laugh.

“Well we did a pillow fort !” Answered Dex.

“Isn’t that a little childish ? “

“Does it means you don’t want to join us ?” You asked Max.

A silence swept through the bus.

“…Move over .” Said Max entering your huge pillow fort and already going for the cake and drink.

“Wait there’s a party and you guys didn’t told us about?! “Said Frank entering your bus.

You handed a plate in his direction , earning a smile from him before he arrived by your side as well as everyone else too.

Frank was on your right while Gerard was on your right and all of you were in a cercle eating and joking about stupid stuff.

“Hey you look better than this morning it’s good to see.” Whispered at your side Gerard offering a sweet smile before readjusting a few locks behind his ear.

“Well It’s because in the end we migrate towards comfort , and I realized that I am most comfortable around you , all of you.” You said returning a bright smile to the man.The night went along before Frank spoke up .

“Guys how are you gonna clean this mess to sleep tonight ?” Painful groans made themselves heard from all of you.

[themockingcrows]

Whisper Just For Me: Ch. 16: Beyond

All good things must come to an end. Sometimes, though, the end is just the beginning. CW: Major character death This chapter is available on AO3!

((The end of the fic! Thank you so much for reading, it’s really meant a lot to me. And I’m so sorry the ending took so long to get out! Between the surgeries, recovery time, mental health and school, things have been hectic to say the least. If you stuck around, you’ve got my love forever. <3 Ryn, over and out.))

     By the time the cast came off and you’d started doing physical therapy at home, you felt it was time to try explaining to Dave all the things you had found. Life had returned to normal more or less, with Jade and her research keeping Dave’s returning strength and habits dialed in to where they could be tracked again. Everything was looking positive, and you couldn’t be happier. Your family was whole again, and life was good.

     Now to rip the bandaid off, you supposed. Now when it was private and quiet, when Jade wasn’t around and it would just be the two of you.

     With Dave zipping around the room rustling papers one day, you decided it was time. If he passed on… well. You had confidence you’d see him again somehow. Your beliefs had expanded over time to well beyond what they were before, and with it came a sense of serenity in things. If you could find Dave again after all that had happened, if fate itself seemed intent on making sure that you could be reunited somehow, then surely it made sense that it would keep going even longer afterwards into the unknown.

     You knelt down carefully, still babying your formerly broken leg as it got stronger, and rummaged under your bed for the things you’d brought back from Dave’s Bro. The raglan shirt, the different drawings, the picture of the smuppet, the photograph of Dave on the sofa. With a deep sense of inner peace, you set them all out on the floor and sat back on your ass to look them over when you felt the warmth near your shoulder.

     “Do you see all these clearly?” you asked, wanting to be sure.

     … Yes …

     “...Do you want to touch them?” you asked, offering control of your arms again. “I don’t mind. They’re… they’re yours, after all.”

     Did Dave recognize them, or not? He seemed intrigued, if nothing else. He didn’t take control of your arms, but remained near your head and shoulders, hovering and staring intently at the different things as if he were a mongoose staring down a snake. You reached for the picture of him on the couch and smiled.

     “You still look this good, I hope you know. Just more red.”

     Dave was silent, but he smiled. Okay. He could recognize himself at least. Or he couldn’t and he could take a compliment when he heard one. Sometimes it was a little hard to tell how Dave’s brain worked, but it was generally positive so whatever. 

     Setting the picture down, you pulled up the image of the smuppet and ran a thumb over the surface of the polaroid as if imagining the texture of the fabric, trying to pretend you could feel it, could smell it. Trying to practically will it into existing in the same room.

     “Your uh. ...Your brother said this was one of your favorite toys growing up,” you explained, smile faltering a bit. The warmth went chilly for the briefest of seconds, wavering, before it warmed again. Dave was reaching for the picture with his transparent fingers, imitating the stroking motion you’d done right beforehand.

     ...I remember…

     Okay. That was a start. He remembered and was still there. Good.

     You felt a chill in your stomach that made you want to put everything away, suddenly. A deep instinctive urge to hide, to keep things safe, to buckle down and ignore everything around you for a while. To keep Dave safe.

     Safe from what? If he moved on… then it was what he was meant to do. He’d be at peace. You’d meet again. And that was all theoretical anyway, stop panicking! Ease up, Egbert, it’s a picture of a smuppet.

     You reach for the shirt next and hold it after displaying the pattern on the front, grinning at Dave again despite the growing panic in the back of your chest.

     “Your shirt’s kinda dorky, but apparently you liked it a lot? You liked videogames too, and music… I think Jade has some of the songs you used to like to listen to, we’ll have to ask her to play them later.” You’d been avoiding them for some reason since getting Dave back, just letting things go back to how they’d once been instead of adding even more new things into the mix. Too much too fast was bad, you assumed. ...Yet here you were, discussing an entire short life in one go.

     ...Better than yours…

     “Hey, my clothes are great thank you.”

     As if to make a point, Dave darted away to the drawers and opened them, tossing out socks and shorts left and right while you protested, before rattling things in the closet and darting back in a red haze like a flash. 

     “Okay, okay, geeze. Either way, we’ve got this now. Do you want me to set it out somewhere for you? Or.. like. I don’t know, should I wear it when you’re in charge sometime?”

     Would it be weird to wear your dead boyfriend’s shirt that he used to wear when he was alive if you never knew him when he was alive to begin with? Something in your head said that was probably kind of weird, but then again you’ve been wrong before so… who knew anymore. Things were complicated when you were dating a ghost.

     A lot of societal rules and standards either didn’t apply or needed to be invented on the spot.

     Dave did a lazy turn in the air like an otter before rustling the other items like a breeze to catch your attention once more, apparently enthralled by his own work. You picked up the cartoony image with a smirk, having to hold it sideways at an angle to read it properly as if it were some secret code and not the oldest shitpost you’d ever seen in your fucking life.

     “You made this, huh? What’s it of? Like, who are these guys?”

     ...Sweet Bro… Hella Jeff… Geromy…

     Instinctively, you’re aware of who each of them probably are, and you’re pleased when a quick verification with Dave proved you were correct on the first shot. It was brilliant really. Strange, surreal, silly, and nonsensical in just the right way to make you wish there was an entire book of these drawings. If Dave had lived, maybe there would have been and that’s the only way you’d have known him: as an adoring fan among many to an older man with a talent for drawing funny cartoons. ...If you could even classify these guys as cartoons.

     They kind of defied description in the way a jpeg artifact tended to bounce around on shitty video clips that dropped pixels faster than you could drop yourself down the stairs on roller skates with a running start.

     The more realistic art, the sketches, you hesitated on most. Finally, you picked one up and cleared your throat uncomfortably. 

     “This uh. ...You know who this is, yeah?”

     Dave was quiet again, and you had to look over your shoulder to try judging if this was a bad idea or not. He was still, quiet, staring. His face was hard to decipher, mostly because it seemed to be fading in and out from the red mass to the wispy figure you knew and loved. 

     ...Bro…

     “Right,” you said, clearing your throat again. It felt like you had heartburn, a cold sweat on your brow and acid roiling in your stomach. “We uhm. Jade and I met him. We talked a lot about things. About you. He’s the one who gave us most of these things. We heard about when you were a baby, and when you were a teen.”

     There came the unsteady lump of panic again. Where had the serenity gone? The sense of peace and calm that said this was a good idea earlier? Long gone.

     “We also uhm. ...We learned how you died, Dave. Do.. do you remember?”

     Stupid question. Dave looked tense, uncertain, and even more wavery than before. Of course he didn’t remember, that was one of the main reasons he was still around, wasn’t it?

     “It…”

     Were you ready for this? You could feel tears in your eyes. It was now or never.

     “It was your heart, Dave. You had a heart problem, and passed away really fast outside. Nobody knew it was coming or that anything was wrong. Your… Your Bro’s sorry. He’s eaten alive about it, wishes he’d never pushed you as hard as he did in the heat. He misses you. He-”

     The red light was brilliant to your eyes, bright enough that you needed to shield your vision for a moment with a hand, peeking between your fingers to try finding the source. Dave. It had to be Dave. Where was he? Where was he in this sea of red? The warmth that had been radiating off of him dissipated till it was cool and comforting instead. Soothing as a balm to fevered flesh, soft and gentle as touch.

     When the light faded, Dave was standing to your side. Physically standing, not floating, looking solid as anything. His face was pale with a splash of freckles, hair ruffled as if wind had been playing through it, red eyes bright as rubies. He was wearing the same shirt you’d brought out from under the bed, making you double take back to it to make sure it wasn’t in fact the same shirt. Black jeans smoothed down skinny legs with the baggy ends threadbare in the back where his tennis shoes had been scuffing them to Hell and back. His chest wasn’t rising or falling, but he had color to his cheeks, and a smile on his lips.

     You scrambled to your feet once you registered what the fuck had happened, or… at least were trying to understand what the fuck was happening. 

     “Dave? Dave what’s going on. I don’t like this,” you say, before even registering what came out of your mouth. Your skin felt soothed, your body felt light, even the residual ache in your leg was gone. Peace was in the air, but you felt like you were having trouble breathing, leading to the conclusion that you were, in fact, panicking.

     This was a panic attack.

     “Dave? Say something, Dave, what’s happening.”

     You knew what was happening. You reminded him how he died. He knew now. He remembered. He remembered everything, remembered his former life, remembered himself and his world and time. Remembered his Bro.

     “...John,” Dave said, his voice just as solid as it felt when he talked inside your head, but the rush of blood in your ears was making it harder to hear over the whooshing. You needed air. This wasn’t supposed to be happening, you didn’t want this.

     Except you did. You didn’t want to be selfish and keep Dave in limbo forever. You didn’t want to keep him hidden in your pocket till your own death, leaving him potentially trapped. This was the right thing to do. In your heart of hearts you knew this was the right thing to do.

     “John,” he said again. “Thank you. For everything. For every single second,” Dave said to you. He reached out with his too solid hands and clasped yours with both of his, giving them a squeeze. He was cool to the touch, like weather worn fleshy marble. When you didn’t squeeze back, he released your hands in favor of hugging you tight around the middle, nuzzling his face against the side of your neck like a cat seeking somewhere warm to perch and snuggle.

     “Why are you thanking me for that?” you asked. Fuck, you were crying. You could feel the snot running down your throat already, the tears stinging your eyes. “I love you, Dave. I only did what I’ve done because I love you.”

     “...I love you too, John Egbert” he said, and you knew in your heart of hearts that he meant it.

     Finally remembering that you could lift your arms, you clung tight to him, digging your fingers into the fabric of his shirt as if it would anchor him in place and keep him from going anywhere. You hiccuped for breath, head spinning. Too much was happening at once.

     “Am I going to see you again?” you asked. “You’d know better than me, right? I will, won’t I?”

     “John..” Dave said softly, not answering the question. It wasn’t helping the panic or the sadness ripping your heart in half.

     “Tell me!” you demanded. “This isn’t the end, is it? This isn’t happily ever after, I don’t accept it. We’ll be together again, right?”

     “Wait for me, John,” he said softly against your ear. The panic died as if it had never been there, so suddenly that your knees tried to give way. Dave held you tight and kept you upright, kept you from falling to the ground. In that brief moment, Dave was the rock and tether that you’d been for so long.

     “How long do I have to wait?” you asked, clenching your eyes shut to focus on everything you could while you could. His smell, the way his skin felt under his shirt, the way his hair felt against your neck. Things you had gotten hints of all this time, whispers of, but never anything this solid.

     It wasn’t fair.

     Why were you able to get everything you wanted right as it was leaving?

     “How long,” you croaked again, but Dave either didn’t have an answer or couldn’t answer. Instead, he looked towards the door of your room, watching it open on its own to display the hall to the living room. You could hear music playing distantly, and warmth of a summer that wasn’t there was coming in with the soft afternoon light. “Please. Please tell me. Dave, please, how long…”

     “You’ll know,” Dave finally said, giving another hard squeeze around your middle, hesitating leaving. Did he want to stay? Or was it just a residual tug of want? Who would give up their ever after just to stick around in someone’s necklace in an incorporeal state forever?

     Nobody. Not even you, not even for Dave, and you knew it even if you hated it.

     “When I come for you, I’ll have to whisper so you know it’s me,” he said quietly by your ear again. Only loud enough for you to hear, trying to burn the words into your memory. You’d know his voice when it was softer than when it was louder, it was true. He’d been a ghost so long, that whispery, barely there tone was what you expected every time you woke up or went to sleep.

     How were you could to live without that. 

     “Yeah. I’ll listen for you. I’ll listen for you every day,” you said. You didn’t need to promise. It’d be instinct by now, holding out hope that he’d come back.

     When Dave released your middle, he reached his hands up to clasp either side of your face so he could kiss you properly. Your teeth got in the way briefly, clicking together with his smaller straighter ones, but it didn’t deter him in the slightest from deepening the kiss almost immediately. You held your breath to make it last, taking a deep breath when he finally pulled back and took a step away.

     “I love you, John.” He said it again as if willing you to remember it. “I always will. Listen for me.”

     He turned and walked to the hall, towards the living room. The door suddenly slammed behind him, prompting you to unfreeze from position and rush forwards, yanking it open to the proper season and lighting that was meant to be there again.

     No Dave.

     Dave was gone.

     Your pendant was cool on your neck, the air of peace and nearly Heavenly compassion was in the room. Your house was cleansed and clear of all spirits, and rested empty and lifeless for the first time in decades. Everything was peaceful, except for the storm in your chest. You made your way to bed with the raglan shirt pressed to your chest and cried harder than you thought you ever had in your life. It was the same place Jade found you later. It was the same place you stayed for the better part of a week, grieving what you had.

     Love hurt, and life wasn’t fair, but you knew one thing at least: you loved Dave Strider, and you were waiting to hear his voice again. ...You also knew this wasn’t what he would have wanted.

     Life would have to go on, even if it felt like it shouldn’t.

- - - - - - - - - - - 

      Your name was John Egbert.

     You had been a leader in the field of parapsychology and the paranormal in general. Along with Jade Harley, you had made many advancements in the field of science along with your own research into spirits and their habits. You had worked together to make devices to track spirits voices, making the inaudible audible to the naked ear, you’d helped come up with ideas to further make the invisible visible. 

     You lived a good life. The classes at colleges you taught lectures at were always full to the brim with curious people, and the true believers were always excited to shake your hand. It was charming, really. An honor.

     Every day your routine had been the same, for decades now. Wake up, hold your pendant, and check for a voice. Always before bed, hold your pendant, check for a voice. There had been no voice, and so many times you’d wanted to give up listening, but you couldn’t help yourself.

     New loves had come and gone, nothing staying for very long. You were happy with your life, though. It was a fulfilling life full of good times and smiles and laughter. You hoped Dave could see some of what was happening to you, even if the machinery never picked anything up around you that had the same signature Dave used to have. No red mists, no impish blondes darting around rustling your papers. Just normal poltergeists and spirits stuck in their routines, the rare intelligent haunting that you could help find the light the same way you’d found Dave’s for him.

     You didn’t regret freeing him. 

     ...But fuck did you miss him.

     Your name was John Egbert not long ago.

     You’d gone to bed with an upset stomach and some tingling in your arms, deciding it was a leftover of the flu you’d had recently instead of anything to worry about. Early to bed, early to rise. Jade had a meeting planned in the morning, some new developments were underway to fine tune the audio scanner with some new technology that had recently been invented, something that would halve the size of the current devices and amplify their power by at least twofold. Couldn’t miss that.

     You lay down, clasped your pendant, and said Dave’s name like a prayer to ward away the boogeyman.

     Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my ghost my soul to keep.

     Your chest felt kind of funny when you lay down and it felt harder to breathe, but nothing too dramatic. More flu shenanigans. Something felt.. ...Something felt... strange though.

     Your name was John Egbert.

     And then it wasn’t.

     You were laying still and watching the ceiling before sitting up, feeling ten times better than how you’d lain down earlier.

     “...John...”

     You froze and looked around.

     “Dave?” It had to be, that voice was familiar to you even after all this time. 

     “...John…”

     You got out of bed at a jump and paused, frowning. When had you last been able to do that? It’d been ages. Slowly, you looked back towards the bed where John Egbert lay still as if sleeping. 

     Your name used to be John Egbert, but you suppose it still is. You’re kind of new to this being dead thing. Were there two John Egbert’s now? The dead one and the more lively dead one? Was the soul still considered the same entity right now? So many questions from your research clouded your mind that your first instinct was to call Jade to discuss it with her, before you felt the touch to your shoulder. Spinning around, startled, you nearly slapped Dave in the face with a flailing arm.

     He smirked a bit.

     “John.”

     “Dave? ...Dave. Dave,” you said, voice breaking briefly before it came out as a croak. Ghosts could cry apparently. You didn’t feel the unpleasant sensation of breathlessness, but you could feel tears on your cheeks before laughing. “You asshole, you made me wait so fucking long.”

     “You were busy, thought I’d come back later when you could use a break,” Dave said, reaching up to grasp either side of your face, kissing you before you could think too hard on it.

     “Dave I’m. I mean I. But I. ….Oh God, Jade’s going to- Oh. ...Dave, oh my God I’m dead. Dave I died,” you said, staggering through the sudden wash of sorrow as it hit you. There was still so much to do, one life wasn’t enough for everything you had planned. “I never finished writing that piano piece, and Jade’s.. Fuck…”

     He held you as you processed things, letting your mind catch up. Letting you calm down. There was nothing but time now, wasn’t there? Or.. wait.

     “Am I… am I going to stay here as a ghost?” you asked, worrying. Were you going to be separated again? Was it your turn to exist in flux?

     “No. You get to come to the chill place, if you want. It’s pretty sweet. Bro was pretty shocked when he turned up too, but he wasn’t as up on shit as you are.”

     “If I want? I get to choose?”

     “For a bit. If you’ve got business left, I mean,” Dave said. “Like with Jade. ...Your Dad’s excited to see you again, too.”

     “Dad,” you said quietly. You’d been so focused on listening for Dave that you hadn’t even considered how big of a family reunion you were in for when you finally met your maker. Your Nana, your Dad, your aunt and uncle, your grandfather you’d never met. Hell, even Sassacre probably. 

     “How long do I have?” you ask, giving another look to the John on the bed. He seemed peaceful, relaxed. It’d been quick and painless.

     “Long as you need to finish up business,” Dave said. “...Should I amscray while you take care of shit o-”

     “Dave, if you disappear now of all times I’m going to figure out how to haunt people and haunt you till you die again.”

     “Okay, okay, shit, chill. I was just offerin’.” he said, tucking his hands into his pockets with a smile. “Want some company while you do errands?”

     “Yeah. I’d like that.”

 - - - - - - - - - - - - -

     Your name is Jade Harley, and man do your joints hurt, but the flowers aren’t going to tend themselves are they.

     You heft some of the potting soil into the pot and gently stroke it over the previously exposed roots of the flowering plant as if you were tucking in a baby. Next came the water, a steady shower from above till the soil was damp, and then came the time to heft everything to the other table.

     John’s funeral had been a month ago, and while you were still sad… you also knew better than to fret. For one, your research had calmed your thoughts to the beyond years ago already. Matter can neither be created nor destroyed. For another, getting to know more about Dave had been an adventure in your youth that shaped the entire world from scratch.

     For yet another, you got a personal goodbye from the John you used to know in your younger years, hand in hand with a pretty young blonde man you knew from a photograph and images on screens from early developed machines of your own creation.

     Sometimes, you could swear you still were being watched by the pair of them, but you were too lazy to go find your equipment to double check. What would you even be double checking? If he was having ghost makeouts or something?

     You wipe your brow and look over your work with a smile. The funeral home had given some depressing little potted plant, and a sickly looking tree sapling as a memorial. This was better by miles.

     “You see, John?” you said aloud to your guardian angel. “Perfect.”

     If you were John Egbert, you’d have to agree. It was a handsome plant in a handsome pot, and it would blossom like crazy because Jade was the one who’d tended it.

     But you’re not John Egbert.

     You are Jade Harley, and John Egbert’s story has ended, arm in arm with the spirit he’d been chasing for so long and finally caught.

[kinetic-elaboration]

September 10: The 100 1x06 Fog of War

Mmmm watching another ep and it’s been less than six months since the last one?! * jinxes self *

Bellarke date at the outside cafe. (WHY IS THIS OUTSIDE CAFE NOT IN MORE FICS? WHY IS IT NOT IN MY FICS?)

I don’t always love Clarke’s art tbh but I do love her Mount Weather sketch.

“You won’t be by yourself.” They are canonically Soft with each other.

I have a hard time believing they would wait two days just sitting on their hands, Abby or no Abby. YOU GUYS WERE THE LEADERS. JUST LEAD STUFF.

“We’re at war. We’ve all done things,” is, like, first, beyond the point, because even in war, one doesn’t usually attack civilian villages. (Unless one is a terrorist.) And second, it’s weird that Bellamy would be defending Finn? Not really sure how to read that. Unless his hatred of Grounders is truly that intense, which is possible. And third, are they really still at war? Because after attacking the dropship, the Grounders have done... literally nothing? Like it’s a semi-war scenario.

“Next round’s on me.” Do they have to.... pay for things...? With what lol?

“Salvaged Monty’s still. Now if we could only salvage Monty.” Someone here has a sense of humor. Also lol @ everyone at Camp Jaha using a teenager’s illegal still.

Really, the “pardon for surviving” should not include time on the ground, because pardons aren’t forward looking. Also they bring back the idea of trying Finn later. They just don’t want to deal with Murphy and Finn, and don’t really see the massacre of Grounders as a big deal, which, I am a Sky Person partisan to the last, does not reflect well on them. I think also they still haven’t figured out what tf their judicial system on the ground is, and just don’t want to deal with that yet either. Which isn’t a great excuse but it’s of a piece with how this show deals with society-building questions in general. (By... not.)

And Finn still doesn’t even feel bad.

And Murphy thinks Clarke and Finn are still together...? I guess that makes sense given how long he was away. He’s ALWAYS behind on delinquent gossip.

Clarke to Murphy: “Just because they pardoned you doesn’t mean I have.” Another line that should be iconic.

If Mount Weather is the reason they never heard from any other Ark Stations then they should have heard from more of them after S2 just putting that out there.

Raven is so beautiful.

And I’m sorry but she’s completely in love with Clarke here.

“You and your friends are not soldiers...” Hmmmm except in a certain sense they kind of are. Love this s2 adults versus delinquents conflict though.

Anyway I realize this is just to get them going back to Mount Weather but they were apparently doing this radio mission to get more Guards from other stations, which never happened, which sort of reminds me of Day Trip and the ‘winter supplies’ excursion when apparently winter doesn’t exist in the future anyway.

Literally only now at the credits.... Why am I like this?

So Maya couldn’t survive on the ground, obviously, because blood isn’t good enough, it has to be bone marrow, which, fine, for plot purposes--but what if she could???

“I know the plan was to assimilate them into the gene pool.” COMPLETELY forgot about that. So they did have a reason for being so nice to them. That is a rather long term plan though...

With the delinquent blood, they’ll “live longer and feel better.” I wonder what the sickness rate is, then. What the quality of life is, low vitamin d aside.

“If I agree to harvest those kids, then I won’t deserve to see [the outside] again.”

That Finn is a good tracker is, like, not a retcon in the sense that this was true in season 1, but still a semi retcon in the sense that nothing in the very early episodes implies he’s Mr. Earth Skills. (Unlike, say... Wells.)

Privileged Ark people really do just throw rules around and up and down however they like. Like, Abby clearing her daughter’s friend because “he was trying to save his friends” even though what he did was objectively much worse than pretty much anything the 100 were imprisoned for? Or other people killed for? Hmmm,, yeah, okay.

Jaha’s death wish transformed into a lazy acceptance that he is invincible is truly one of the best character arcs on this show imo. Infuriating but amazing.

“How many times on the Ark did we go two days without water?”

He recognizes the prison as a train station, which is not objectively surprising but I bet the Grounders don’t know what it is. Somehow. Since memory isn’t a thing in the future either.

On the one hand, it’s reasonable to think that Finn’s attack was coordinated from above but on the other hand, these two prisoners literally could not have ordered it, because they have been... imprisoned... the entire time. And I mean truly putting two Sky People who could not themselves have been involved in another Sky Person’s murder spree into some sort of Saw scenario in response to that murder spree really isn’t “justice” in any sense of the word. Like truly the JD in me is just SCREAMING. There is no nexus between the people you have and the person you’re angry at, other than “Sky Person” but the thread is so tangled you’re just.... throwing around bloodshed for lolz. (I know it’s a test and that part isn’t dumb but the scaffolding of the test is DUMB.)

I am still not over that someone gave Jasper a stuffed toy bear as a thank you for giving Maya blood. Also, it looks like... an alarm clock?

I like Dante but every time he says “Jasper” it just creeps me out. Maybe it’s the way he’s, uh, playing him.

It is 100% true that Mount Weather was not meant to last that long. At least not in the sense of ‘as a closed facility.’

Ridiculous as it is to pardon Finn AND take him adventuring AND give him a gun, I like the tension between him and the others, that they have officially forgiven him, and want to still love him, but are wary of him, scared of him, for good reason. For all that people are constantly ‘doing bad things’ and yelling at each other about it, this scenario doesn’t really have a parallel anywhere else in the canon.

“According to Clarke, before the bombs, there were buildings everywhere here. I’m guessing some of the had access to the bunker. So we’re looking for ruins. Anything man-made.”

Bellamy says he and O aren’t under the Guard command. But in a way, aren’t they? Like aren’t the Guard basically in authority over all Arkers? I know I’m overthinking but does he see himself as more delinquent than Arker? Especially with the “our people” are in Mount Weather.

All those mice.... Or rodents....

What a scenario: Clarke and Finn hiding from the acid fog in a weird little personal bunker where they once fucked, and now there’s a dead body in it, and Finn put it there. Not even Olav can top this.

Raven playing with the radio is my kink.

Parking garage as tomb. Who would protect a parking garage with a big-ass steal door that protects cars from radiation? If it does lead to Mount Weather (no recollection if it does) I guess it could be... part of it? Idk. Nice aesthetic though.

Bellamy is very comfortable calling people Sir. Polite young man.

So Clarke’s Dad’s watch returns to Clarke. I can’t remember what ultimately happened to it. Is it basically tainted now?

Monty’s obscene jealousy of Maya just gets me every single time. Makes up for the horrendous second hand embarrassment I’m getting from the rest of this scene.

“Hey, it’s pizza day! Who’s hungry?” uhhhhhhhhhhmmmmm So natural. Cute dress though.

How did she figure out the breach wasn’t an accident? Or that there is surveillance? Anyway now that she knows she was experimented on, and that Jasper was experimented on, one would assume she is pissed. One would assume that’s part of why she shows them the Grounders. Also to stop Jasper perhaps from embroiling his people even more with (her own) untrustworthy people. Because truly it is in part to save them, but it’s also a real risk to herself, admitting this terrible thing she’s been a part of.

“To get you to agree to be her blood brother.” He’s not wrong but that language is sooooo jealous--both revealing the threat he feels (because Jasper is his ‘brother’) and diminishing the JasperMaya relationship (which he knows to be romantic, and is turning familiar.)

Why did the show ever try to top the pure horror of the Grounder Torture Prison?

“What are we supposed to do?” / “Die.” Another Iconic Exchange. This is Monty’s morality: uncompromising. Are the standards he sets for himself hypocritical or consistent? Also, some foreshadowing lol.

I wonder what Monty’s allegiance is to the other kids... Would he have irradiated the Mountain for them if Jasper were safe? Legit question because he defects to his mom’s side pretty fast in S3, and he would 100% leave Mount Weather through the side door just like Clarke, at this point, which Jasper refuses to do even if it were possible. I am intrigued by this scene and the switching of plans/different points of view.

So this is the revelation that the acid fog is a Mount Weather weapon. I always really liked that twist.

Okay so this explains why they didn’t get to the other stations, because they choose to keep the tower up to listen to Mount Weather, but it’s actually not a tough call bc if you defeat Mount Weather and take your people back, then you can get rid of the blocking signal, and then find your other people, so win-win, you just have to go in order and on that note, why did it take 3 months to find only one station??

Is that a....hand crank mp3?? Got a lot of juice from just a little bit of cranking.

There are a hella lot of storylines in this episode. I completely forgot about Jaha and Kane and Lexa.

Kane’s continuing death wish makes him utterly unreasonable. What in a million years makes you think that the Grounders value sacrifice as opposed to just being sadists? I mean, you don’t know. You’re imposing your value system and also your thought processes on them. You’re also assuming that if one of you killed the other, the survivor would actually get something, like a chance to negotiate, which is probably not true--in fact, Gustus basically told you as much with “We’ll hear the terms of your surrender form the survivor.” Winning means nothing except you get to surrender!! And probably die!! They are not coming to you in good faith is what I’m trying to say and having watched the whole season I know I am Right.

“You didn’t order the massacre.” / “Not that one.” Honestly dude get over it lol. Interesting that Jaha, although he has transformed in some ways, keeps to the old lines, about survival, the human race--and our people, if the human race is broader than just the Ark, which it is, and no big deal. So in some ways his morality has not changed at all, at its core.

Look, I’m sorry, not to be that person, but he probably would have been better off killing Lexa there. I mean, I know he’s choosing ‘an innocent’ in his mind but... what a power move to behead the Commander WHILE you’re her prisoner. Good old Jaha, smart and quick and sure of himself.

Just uh not quick enough at murdering I guess.

I’m no Lexa fan but that was an excellent entrance and it remains an excellent entrance. Also while I never thought she was as smart as people said, because name me another tactical decision she made that was actually good, this was a smart ploy. And probably the most subtle thing any Grounder character ever did, even if it does end with her basically beating Jaha up ‘as a message’ as if she were a gangster.

Is this the episode that introduces Blood Must Have Blood? Already Tired of it tbh.

This Clarke and Finn scene is so sad. I realize that they  purposefully made him unredeemable at this point, that this story line was always intended to be the method by which he was written off, and that there’s only so much awkwardness you can write around this scenario, but nevertheless it would have been interesting to see Finn in the long term, in a way. Not redeemed.. I don’t know. Whatever I’m thinking it’s not in the range of this show, though, for sure.

Did Jasper and Monty tell all of the 47 everything? To get them to volunteer? (Answer: No, but they told at least Harper and Miller, maybe a few more.)

“How high are you right now?” We were SO robbed of more intoxicated!Monty scenes.

Jasper and Dante: creepy creepy creepy.

“There’s been a Wallace in this office since the bombs.” So glad to know we immediately reverted to some sort of pseud-monarchy post-nuclear war. That said it’s only been 97 years so that’s like 3 Wallaces tops.

Prioritizing the radio also means of course admitting that getting the 47 out of MW is a priority for Abby/Ark PTB, which wasn’t exactly clear before.

I’ve never been a fan of the “Build a brace for yours” line and I’m still not, because I think conflating physical and mental injuries is not exactly helpful, but I guess I appreciate it as a look into Raven’s mind--Raven, who has never really understood mental scars and never really does--and the soft way she says it is a sort of forgiveness. Not really forgiveness she has the right to offer, and in a way a very brash thing to do, because this was literally a war crime that her best friend committed, but nevertheless.

Jaha: appears. Everyone else: what the absolute fuck.

So on that mission they accomplished... literally nothing they set out to do lol.

What is that random shot of Camp Jaha doing there? They’re not within sight of it. They’re still where they set up tents.

I want to point out that this is the FIRST time the Grounders have demanded that the Sky People “leave” or implied in any way that they consider the Sky People to be on “their” land, and that this was never an issue in Season 1, when their beef seemed to be for things like crossing the river at Mount Weather, accidentally dropping their flares on a Grounder village, and torturing a Grounder spy. But I guess at this point the narrative needed to focus on something because the actual reason for the feud, which is roughly, we accidentally pissed each other off and then kept on retaliating, doesn’t play very well or make the Grounders, who were rehabilitated this season, very sympathetic. (Guess who still has zero sympathy lololol?)

[alamanyar]

Now available on AO3 yayy joy; a skam italia fanfic words: 6.637 character’s pov: martino ships: martino x niccolò; martino & mamma rametta, martino & giovanni summary: a glimpse into the near future of martino’s life and his relationships with the people he cares most about. it’s funny, he feels like the luckiest boy in the world, and yet he worries about not being good enough. Luckily, there are people in his life, who remind him that he’s wanted.

joy ☆．。．:*･° It’s been a couple of weeks into the New Year and Martino couldn’t be happier. It seemed as if life finally made sense, as cheesy as it sounded; and yet. Most of the time, he found himself living in a content bubble. There was his new found identity, which gave him so much energy- sometimes he didn’t know what to do with it. His relationship with his mother kept improving with every day and he didn’t lie to his friends anymore. Well, only if it had something to do with Niccolò. He couldn’t count the times they had sneaked off to the bathroom on the second floor of the school building. They even ditched some meet-ups with the boys, because they rather stayed home to spend time alone together. But other than that, there was no need to lie anymore. Martino liked boys and he liked one boy especially. Nico never failed to keep him on his toes. He was quirky and challenging and he came up with the weirdest ideas. In January they had gone to the Villa Borghese gardens and when Nico unpacked his drawing tools, he spotted a marble statue he wanted to sketch− together with Martino in the picture. After a couple of minutes of ridiculous arguments, he gave in: Nico, with that smug look on his face kept drawing for what seemed like hours. His boyfriend always ended up directing him to pose like this or that, but mostly it was just fun, and watching him get excited over it was an expierence he would cherish forever. He only called it a day, when he started to freeze his ass off, after all, it was winter and all this posing and standing didn’t keep him warm. So basically, whenever he thought the boy he was lucky enough to be with had a weird idea, he ended up loving the idea. Easily.Nico embodied what he called loveable energy, sometimes lovable asshole energy, to add, and Martino wouldn’t have it any other way. He liked Nico the way he was. However, at the beginning of Feburary, his boyfriend started appearing a little bit uneasy. He didn’t get that far to call him restless, but he was somewhat alarmed. Actually, he always worried about him in the back of his head, but he could tone down the worry most of the time and just be a normal supportive boyfriend. Whatever normal was supposed to mean. He didn’t mention anything, because he felt like he would put pressure on him by doing so. And that was the last thing he wanted to do, so he remained silent and hoped being here with him was enough. On the last day of school into the second week of February, they went to his house to relax. They had no plans with the boys, so they decided to keep it quit. Nico was sketching on his bed while he sat on his desk researching for the Radio. Never in a million years had he thought that his Friday afternoons could come close to something like this. The thing was, they had talked about the new topic “Age of Discovery” for the Radio on the way to his house. Nico was hooked on geographical maps at once. There was something about getting lost in the imagination to go anywhere he wanted, even if it was only in his mind. Martino could understand that well. His mind had often drifted off to an imaginary world where there was no need to worry about coming out. A place where it didn’t matter whom he loved. A place where everything was easier to handle. But now that he was with Nico, he didn’t dream to escape from the real world anymore, only if it meant going someplace together with him. Perhaps that was why he ended up reading articles about the discovery of magnetic compasses and how it changed the world of navigation. He found that oddly fascinating. One day, he hoped they could navigate a ship together. There wouldn’t be need for compasses, for they were guiding each other. Just like now. Between Nico’s pencil flying over the sketchbook and his occasional typing on the keyboard, while Vespa noises interloped through the open window dancing together with indie music softly playing in the background. He floated through space it seemed, until he noticed Nico had stopped sketching eventually. He turned around from his desk and saw that his boyfriend had dozed off. He was lying on his side, drawing utensils still in his hand. A tiny bundle of black hair, halfway wrapped up. Martino wasn’t sure how long they had worked on their respective things, he kind of had lost track on time, but it obviously had been tiring for Nico. Or maybe, a voice whispered in the back of his mind, Nico was more tired than usual. And that could mean something else was up. He tried to burry that thought. Vehemently. Just stay calm, he told himself. Pay attention, but stay calm. He was starting to get hungry, but he wanted to lie down beside Nico for a while, so he went to his side of the bed and mirrored his boyfriend’s position. He was intent not to wake him when he got under the covers, but when he carefully took sketchbook and pencil from his grip, Nico mumbled something unintelligibly. “You were saying?” “Nothing.” “Oh? Then I have a ghost lying in my bed?” “Funny.” Marti chuckled and moved closer. He nuzzled his nose against Nico’s and kissed it softly. “It’s okay, we don’t have to talk. I can just sleep, too.“ “I wasn’t sleeping.” Then, after a pause. “I’m sorry.” “What for?” He nudged his shoulder gingerly. “I’m not really talkative today.” “What are you saying? We’ve talked.” “Not really since we got here.” “So?” Nico exhaled loudly. “You don’t have to talk all the time. Or do stuff. You know we can just lie here together.“ “You’re not worried?” “Why should I be worried?” He tried to sound causally, but instantly felt a rush spreading out on his cheeks. “That I’ve been sleepy lately.” “So you think I should?” “I don’t know, Marti. I don’t−” “Hey.” He put sketchbook and pencil under his pillow and started caressing his boyfriend’s cheek. “I don’t mind.” “What if, what if−” He listened to Nico struggling to get the words out. He knew, he knew what he was about to say. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear it. When Nico suffered, something deep inside of him stired. He continued stroking his cheek and witnessed a tear coming out of his eye. If there was a possibility to give him the world, he’d outright do it. “Hey, com’ere”, he mumbled and drew Nico to his chest. “Tell me. Are you worried?” “I’m worried about hurting you”, he half-whispered in reply. “Why?” “Because I already have. It could happen again. ”“That’s in the past. And if, you wouldn’t do it deliberately.” He planted a kiss on the top of Nico’s head and let his lips linger there for a while. “What if I do it again?” He felt his boyfriend disappear into his chest, as if he wanted to hide there and never face the real world again. Never face his fears and worries. He hugged him a little bit tighter and started to draw lazy circles on his back. “I don’t know. Let’s not worry too much about that, okay?” After a while, a hoarse whimper escaped Nico lips. “I don’t want to draw you into my mess.” “Don’t be ridiculous. I happen to like your mess.” Nico chuckled. It was soft, almost not audible. Maybe it happened out of pity. But it was there.Baby steps, he reminded himself. “You’re too good to me. You’re too good for me”, he heard him mumble drozily. “Well, I don’t think there exists something like being too good, but I’ll take the compliment, thank you.” Nico answered him with what appeared to be a failed nudge into his chest, followed by a deep grumble of him and then, a ghost of a kiss, planted where his heart was supposed to be. His hand found the back of Nico’s hair and he started running his fingers through them. “It’s okay, just sleep for a bit, hm?” After a while, Martino went back to drawing circles on his back. Lines and curves and what not followed, until he felt Nico fall asleep on his chest, breathing steadily with his face burried in the crook of his neck. He continued to hold him, yet when his stomach started making low rumble noises, he carefully untangled himself from Nico’s embrace. He made sure his boyfriend was covered comfortably when he left his room. ☆．。．:*･° He found his mother in the kitchen, who seemed to look for something inside of the fridge. “Hey ma”, he greeted. She turned around and gave him a smile. “Hey you.” “What are you looking for?” He pointed to the fridge. “Well something we can have for dinner. I don’t think we have enough for the three of us.” “No? Well, I don’t think Nico will eat with us today.” “He left without saying good-bye?” “No, no, he’s sleeping”, he calmed his mother down who was definitely shocked of the mere possibility. He grunted. “Why are you laughing, eh?” “No, I’m sorry. It’s just your face.” “Ah, so my face is funny now, too?” She laughed now as well, and he couldn’t help but crack up.“You know what?” “No, tell me.” “I’m happy you were offended that he’d leave without saying good-bye.” “Well, it’s not like him to do something like that, is it?” “No yeah, it really isn’t. It’s good to, uh, it’s good to see you get along well.” “He makes it rather easy. That boyfriend of yours and his charm. It’s really something.” “Yeah.” He looked down, grinning from ear to ear, before he lifted his head up again, looking at his mother, who was still standing in front of the fridge with her face aligned to him. She looked content. It was his favourite look on her, without a doubt. If only he could make it to never go away. “So listen, you don’t think he’ll be hungry when he wakes up? I could rush down to Samir to get some more ingredients.” “I’m not sure he will wake up anytime soon. He seemed really out of it. He’s probably sleeping through the night.” “Rough day at school?” “I’m not sure. More like a rough week, I think.” His mother closed the fridge and walked over to him still standing in the door. “What’s up, my love?”, she asked carefully, but with this fierceness of her that made him shiver. It was typical of his mother to know that there was something up with him and sometimes he wished she wasn’t capable to read him like a book. But she was, and so they were standing on the treshold looking at each other when he felt his eyes swell up with tears. He gulped. “If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine, Marti, just tell me.” She caressed his cheek and he gave in, cautiously at first, and then, an instant later, he hugged her to his chest. “Ouuff!” „Sorry. Sorry, ma” he breathed out. There was only dry air in his lungs. At least it felt like it. „No, no, it’s okay. Come, sit down.“ She tried to guide him to the table in the living room, but he held on to her. „Hey, hey“, his mother tried calming him down stroking his back and some short time later his hair. He suppressed a sob and only as he gained control of his breathing, he was ready to let go. After they settled down at the table, chairs facing each other, his mother took his hand and stroked it gently. It felt as if minutes passed until he could talk. „I’m… I’m worried he’s not feeling good. That… that something’s not right again and that I… that I can’t do anything to help him.” He suppressed another sob and looked into his mother eyes which a part of him regretted since she looked back at him worriedly. He had promised not to worry her anymore, didn’t he? Why couldn’t he keep his damn promise? „Marti, oh, my boy.” She enclosed his hands with her own, giving them a squeeze. „You’re doing enough, believe me. Your’re so good with him. Don’t doubt yourself, okay?” He tried to answer with a nod, but he was absolutely sure he failed regarding in that aspect, and so he gave his mother’s hand a little squeeze, so she’d know he had heard her at least. „Ma, I have been terrible to you when you were… suffering. And I’m so sorry for treating you badly then. I hope you know that.” He touched his brow and rubbed over the tiny hairs there to gather himself. He didn’t dare look at his mother. He was certain, he wouldn’t continue talking; so he straightened his back a little and carried forward. “I’m trying to-to be optimistic now, but what if he gets sick of that? What do I do when that’s not helping? Maybe I don’t understand him enough. I want to make him feel better and I know I can’t really do that, you know? It’s not up to me. Not entirely anyway.” He put his hand back on his thigh and immediately found it enveloped in his mother’s hand. „Marti, you’re doing wonderfully, believe me. Nico appreciates everything you do; I can see it in his eyes. If you are afraid, you’re being too optimistic or whatever it is, you can ask him. But listen, what matters most is that you stay true to yourself while trying to help him, okay? I think he wouldn’t feel comfortable sleeping in your bed right now, if there was a problem with what you’re doing.” „You really think that?” He finally looked up and found his mother gazing at him. She beamed with certainty. „I do. He can be himself here with you and that is all the answer you need. At least to me.” „He thinks he’s getting me down with his moods. With his disorder.” He wiped away a tear. And another. „Well, that’s normal I think. I mean, he’s afraid he’ll drown you with his sorrow and he wants to protect you from that. But those are moments he has, you know, it’s not always like that. He doesn’t have those kind of thoughts all the time. He doesn’t want to lose you, sure, but mostly, he just wants to feel better.” He glanced at his mother, who was giving him an encouraging nod.„Do you feel like that, too? When you are being down?“ She took a moment to answer. „Well, I always feel a heavy amount of regret. It is as if I have no control over disappointing people, especially you. I feel like I’m letting you down. I feel ashamed that I don’t have the power to make myself happy.“ He squeezed her hands. “You know, it isn’t your fault.“„And it isn’t Nico’s fault, nor yours. There’s nothing at fault here. It is what it is.“ He pondered a while over his mother’s words while she losened her grip on his hand. A moment later, he felt her caressing his cheek. It tickled. He smiled at her. „You really think I’m doing the right thing? Maybe I could be more thoughful?“ She softly tugged at some of his loose curls, before she brushed them to the side. „If you ask me that, then I think you’re precisely in the right place.“ He frowned at her. „Listen, ma, I know you understand Martinese, but I’m not sure I understand your own version of it.“ „Oh you little shithead.“ She pinched him in the cheek which he answered with a fake cry of hurt, more or less. „Listen, you are questioning whether you’re reacting correctly or not and I think that says it all. I am positive you shouldn’t change your behaviour, but I don’t have an answer to everything. So, I’d say go ask him, if you find the courage.“ „Okay.“„That boy of your needs reassurance. He doubts he’s not good enough for you… when he has these moments, alright? And I know it’s not always easy reassuring someone, especially those who are closest to you, but try to remember, he doesn’t do it in order to hurt or annoy you.“ „I think I understand what you mean.“ He gave his mother a little smile. „Marti?“ „Yes?“ She was at his hair again, before she took his face into her hands. „I’m so proud of you. I hope you know that. I haven’t said it often enough I think, and I’m sorry. But I am so very proud of you.” She nodded as if to support her message. “My brave boy.” He sensed a sudden warmth spreading out on his back and on his cheek. It flowed through his whole body, almost igniting him with fire.„Ma…“ He felt tears on his cheek, running to the corner of his mouth in speedlight. She gave him a kiss to the forhead and he almost lost the rest of his self-restraint. If it weren’t for her firm grip, he would have melted right on the spot, tumbling to the ground. „Let’s have dinner, yes? What do you say to pasta with pesto? There are enough ingredients to make it. We can always leave enough for Nico, if he decides to eat later.“ He hadn’t regained his composure yet, so he just nodded. When his mother stood up to leave for the kitchen, he tugged at her hands. „What is it? You don’t want to have pesto tonight?“ He smiled sheepishly. „You know I could eat that kind of pasta every night.“ „Well?“, she asked with a chuckle. He gave her hand a squeeze, something he had done quite a lot tonight, but this wasn’t one made of gratitude. He took a deep breath, and then, with as much wholeheartedness he was able to manage, he told her what he wished he had told her more frequently. “Ma, you’re the best mom one could hope for. I hope you know that. I love you, I really do. With all my heart.“ It’s funny, he thought, when he noticed the tears forming in her eyelids, he never felt more happy to have said those words. Never more grateful. For his mother’s eyes were shining with bliss. “Marti…” He stood up. „Okay, I think we cried enough for the day. And I’m really starving by the way. All this talk about my fave pasta?“ „Let’s make dinner, then”, she nodded, still regaining her composure. „You know, we could also watch something together.“ „Sure, if you feel like it.“ „Okay, but not this weird show you’ve been telling me about. I don’t wanna watch that.“ „And what do you wish to watch?“ „I don’t know.“ „Well, let’s talk this over, then.“ They walked back into the kitchen and started preparing everything for his favourite pasta. He sensed her glancing at him from time to time and he almost called her out on it, when she invaded his space − yet again − to give him another kiss on the cheek, telling him how much she loved him back and that he meant the world to her. Not with despair like it happened so many weeks ago, but with serenity and sincerity. Had his relationship with his mother ever been this good? Maybe, when he was still a child, he didn’t remember anymore. He wished he had been a lot nicer to her on many occasions, but maybe they were meant to lose their connection for a while. Just so they could be there for each other at this given moment. He knew he’d never dare hurt her again as he used to. He’d never hurt anyone like that again. He vowed this silently to himself, when he pestled the basil in the mortar. ☆．。．:*･° His mom had dozed off here and there into the third episode of ‘Medici: Masters of Florence.’ There were some scenes he’d rather had not watched with his mother being in the room, but other than that he enjoyed the storyline of the show. The Medici’s ambitions were inspiring and a bit scary at the same time. The visuals were breathtaking and Cosimo de’ Medici reminded him a bit of Nico. They both were attracted to art. In this dream-like kind of way, almost dissolving, yet always hungry for more. On the one hand he wanted to continue watching the show, but his mother had to go to bed and he himself felt getting tired as well. It also had been a while since he’d checked up on Nico and he had a guilty conscience about it. So, he wished his mother a good night’s sleep and started tidying up the kitchen. Just as he had finished putting the dishes into the dishwasher, his phone buzzed. It was Giovanni. {-Hey bro, what’s up? We spontaneously went out to this bar we talked about earlier. Do you guys wanna come? Luchì is already drunk as fuck. He is making weird dancing moves.-} Enclosed was a picture of Luca with what appeared to be coasters on his head. His friend’s hair was sticking out in all directions. He suppressed a chuckle and started typing a reply. No, fuck it, he thought and dialed his best friend’s number. “Pronto?” “Hey, what did you do to Luchì?” “Nothing! I swear! He just gets drunk super fast, you know that.” He heard Elia in the background bellowing profanities. “Alright alright, I believe you.” “So? The bar isn’t far from your house. You could be here in twenty minutes.” A pause. “If you guys want. I mean, is Nico still at your place?” “Yeah. Yeah he is. He’s sleeping though.” “Ah okay. Everything alright?” “Not sure.” “What’s up?” “For now he’s just tired, I think.” “You need anything?” He was leaning against the counter and took some time to answer. Shit, he really had the greatest best friend in the world. “Yo, you’re still there?” “Yeah, yeah. Sorry. I’m not… I’m not sure what you could do? I’m gonna go to bed soon, you know.” “Okay, bro. I’m sorry.” “What? Don’t worry.” “No, yeah, I mean we haven’t been here long. It kind of escalated quickly. I wanted to call you earlier, but I didn’t want to interrupt you guys or anything.” “Interrupt us?”’ “Yeah, I wasn’t sure what you guys were up to today, so.” He cleared his throat. “No, we were just- we weren’t really doing anything. Nico was drawing and I− wait, did you think you could interrupt us during sex?” He heard Giovanni making a weird voice, he wasn’t sure what exactly it was, but it sounded weird. “Like I’d be able to answer the phone then.” Giovanni snorted with laughter. “Sorry, bro. No. I mean yes, I’m not sure. I guess I just wanted to give you some space.” “Wait, why?” “I don’t know. I just− we’ve been doing a lot of stuff together. You know, with Nico, too. And I know you guys sometimes wanna hang out together just the two of you.” “Okay, but we already do that. I’m not sure I’m following you here.” “Listen, man−“ He heard Luca and Elia giggling in the background. “Wait a sec.” After a couple of seconds later, Giovanni was back at the other end of the phone, chuckling. He felt a weird knot in his stomach. They seemed to have fun. He spent many wicked nights just doing shit with the boys which he supposed they were doing now. It wasn’t as if he wanted to join them. Perhaps he did, but not like this. Not with Nico sleeping in his room or maybe not sleeping, he wasn’t sure. Perhaps he was twisting and turning under the blankets right now, hell, he didn’t know. If the day had been different, Nico would be standing with him in the kitchen, listening to the conversation and probably dragging him out to join the boys this instant. “Yo, bro, what is it with you and your pauses today?” “Sorry! I didn’t know you were back in the line.” Giovanni breathed into the ear cap audibly. “What’s up, Marti? I can hear you think.” “Oh God, you’re so annoying, you know that?”, he blurted out. “Come on, bro. Just tell me.” “It’s nothing. And by the way, you haven’t answered me yet.”Giovanni seemed to think about what he meant for a second, but he was quickly back on track. “Ah, about earlier. Well, I didn’t want to interrupt you guys, because I thought it was possible Nico would just sleep at yours. Like, I don’t know man, he looked fucking exhausted earlier.” “Yeah?” “Listen, it was obvious. And I know you noticed that. Of course, you did. And I respect that you don’t want to talk about his health with us. Or me.” “I’m not- I’m not excluding you, am I?” He touched his chin and rubbed over the skin a bit. “What? No, no, bro. Forget it.” “I’m not sure what’s happening right now anyway, but look, I’m sorry, if I am being weird about it.” “You’re not, relax. I mean it’s not that we don’t talk about it at all, you know? It’s all good. But just so you know, I know something’s up with you, too. And you can talk to me about it- if you want.” It was really obscure. He felt tears forming in his eyes for – he didn’t know for how many times – of the day. Giovanni continued talking. “You know, if you’re not sure what’s happening with Nico right now, why don’t you ask him? He won’t get weird about it. You talk about this stuff, right? Listen, he’s not gonna run away, because you’re not sure what’s up with him. Like this is so typical of you−“ “Fuck, you’re like my mom, I swear”, he interrupted his best friend. “I’m sorry, WHAT?” Giovanni failed to sound offended, he could clearly hear the amusement in his best friend’s voice. “Yeah. She told me something similar earlier. Like she thinks I’m handling it fine and all that, but I’m not sure.” “Well, she’s right. You know, you should listen to her all the time, dickhead.” “Fuck you.” “Right back at ya. So, maybe we can hang out tomorrow or on Sunday.” “Yeah, sure. What about FIFA? I think you need a nice lose.” “Hilarious. Listen, Elia started doing weird stuff now, too.” “Well, good to know a mom is with−“ “Fuck you! You better have called Nico’s mom, remember when−“ “I did that earlier, thank you very much.” His best friend chuckled at the other side of the line. “Okay. Later, bro.” “Giò?” “Yeah?” “Thanks, man.” “Welcome.” “Say hi to the guys.” “I will. Ciao, bro.” “Ciao.” As soon has they had ended the call, a sudden burst of fear hit him hard. It was something Giovanni had said and he lost track of his breathing just thinking about it. What the hell, Martino. Get it together. He managed to clean up the rest of the kitchen. He didn’t know how he did it, his mind kept going back to Giovanni’s words. Come on, you can do it. Face it. He went to brush his teeth in the bathroom and splashed water in his face. When he looked into the mirror, he didn’t like what he saw. He felt tired and that was exactly how he looked. Whatever he had to face, he couldn’t face it in this state. His phone buzzed on his way to his room and with a quick glance he saw that he had received a message from Filippo.j his can wait until morning, he thought, but ultimately decided against it. Filo had been a rock for him on many occasions. He was there for him when he was left all alone in Milan, and maybe it was his anxiety talking right then, but if it was an emergency, he’d never forgive himself. So, when he opened the message with a picture of a brown-haired man with the caption {-Whatcha think?-}, he breathed out a somewhat pathetic sound of relief. Goddamn, get it together. He replied with {-about to fall asleep. but he’d look good with you x-} and then muted his phone. Before he pressed down the doorknob, he breathed in and out a couple of times. His room was painted in low light since he didn’t turn off the lamp on his desk when he left earlier. Nico was lying on his belly with a pillow tucked underneath his torso. His dark curls were slightly illuminated and he took his time to look at him. His boyfriend had moved closer to the left side of the bed which he tended to do when he slept alone. His stomach made a flip. He felt a lot of things at the same time. Sadness, surely, because Nico wasn’t feeling so well. But most of all, he felt gratitude. Nico was here, lying in his bed. It was a miracle. Nico was his miracle. He continued standing in the exact same spot for a couple of minutes just looking at the beautiful sight in front of him. He was also waiting for the tears to stop. Quietly, he had started crying again. He wasn’t sure what it was that made him spill those many tears today, but they kept coming out of his eyelids with no restraint whatsoever. Maybe he stayed there for five minutes, maybe ten minutes passed until he moved to his closet to change into his pyjamas, he couldn’t tell. He thought about lying down in his nook beside the window, because he was afraid he’d wake up Nico when he’d join him under the blanket. It was just that he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. Which felt strange to say the least. Any other night, he would just lay down next to Nico no questions asked, but tonight it all felt so fragile. While he was grateful that Nico was here with him, he was also afraid. I don’t wanna lose him. His brain really went nuts today, he thought, as he tried shaking off any feeling of trepidation. With caution, he finally slipped under the blanket and waited to get warm. He arranged the pillow a bit and felt something poking his head. Nico’s sketchbook and his pencil. Right, he had put them there earlier. He fetched them and placed them on his bedside cabinet, with the pencil inside the book. It made the pages stick out a bit and he could catch a glance of what appeared to be a thread trailing through mountains? That’s what it looked like. He moved a bit closer to the bedside cabinet, when he heard Nico move. “Hey, whatcha doing? Stealing glances at forbidden goods?”, he teased groggily. “Hey, no. I−I was just putting your stuff away. It’s not very comfortable sleeping with them under my pillow, you know?” “You’re such a liar.” “You know nothing”, he answered and moved back to lay on his side, looking at his boyfriend. “Hey.” He touched his cheek cautiously and rubbed his thumb over the skin a bit. “Hey.” Nico put the pillow under his head, smiling sleepily, before he took his hand and enveloped it in his own. “How are you feeling?” “Exhausted.” “What can I do?”Nico kissed his hand which took him somewhat by surprise. He wasn’t sure why. “You’re already doing enough.” “Yeah?” “You’re like a fresh ocean’s breeze on a hot summer’s day.” He chuckled at his words. “How’s that?” “Well, you know that feeling, when it gets so hot during the summer you struggle breathing? And you’re looking for something to cool down? You’re at the beach or making a stop at a bar trying to escape from the dry air on the streets. And when a breeze brushes your face, it’s the best feeling in the world. It makes you feel alive again.” Nico pressed a kiss into the palm of his hand. His lips stayed there for a while, until he spoke again. “And you’re that breeze that never fades away that day entirely. Or on any day. You always come back.” Nico’s words left him stunned. He wasn’t as eloquent as him, so he did the only thing he could think of in that moment. With as much gentleness as he could muster, he rolled on top of Nico and took his head into his hands, balancing his weight with his elbows. He started with a kiss on his forehead. The soft skin under his eyes were next. “You know, I’d never leave in the first place.” He then kissed his nose, his upper lip, his cheeks, and finally, a kiss fully on the lips, hoping Nico could feel the promise he’d just given him. “If you don’t want me to leave, I won’t.” He smiled timidly at his boyfriend and then he positioned himself back on his side. Nico grabbed at his hand. “If I don’t want you to?” “Yeah.” “Marti, why should I want that? Why should I want you to leave?” He saw confusion in Nico’s eyes and he could have kicked himself. “Yeah, I mean…” He cleared his throat. “I don’t know. I- sometimes I’m afraid I’m doing something wrong… or you know, choose the wrong words. Maybe I’m too cheerful when you’re feeling down, maybe that will annoy you sooner or later, maybe I’m not thoughtful−“ “I can’t believe you’d say something like that. You absolute idiot.” He stayed silent and just looked at Nico who wore an incredulous look on his face. “Have I given you the impression that I don’t appreciate what you do? For me? I’m so incredibly thankful for everything; you have to know that, Marti. I know I’m impossible to handle at times, but I swear, I’d never want to make you uncomfortable. I swear…there’s no way I’d want you to leave. I swear…” He listened to Nico’s accelerated breathing and felt like the dumbest idiot. “I’m sorry.” He closed his eyes for a moment. “You did nothing wrong. It’s me. It’s my brain that thinks I’m not being good enough. I’m sorry.” He choked back tears. Nico mirrored his position without letting go of their entwined hands. “Marti…” “I’m sorry I put this weight on you, Ni. It wasn’t my intention. I just, sometimes I feel a little helpless. I haven’t handled my mother’s depression very well. I’ve been mean to her. I can’t be mean to you. I don’t ever wanna be mean to anybody again.” Nico moved closer to him until he could lay his head on top of his upper body. “You’re not, I promise.” He took a deep breath. “Hey, would you do me a favour?” A nod. “If I ever say something weird or inappropriate about your mental health and I’m too dumb to notice, will you tell me?” Nico puffed out a bit of air. “Okay. But there won’t be need to.” “Well, I’ve done it in the past. So, you never know, right.” “Marti, amore…” “I still need to learn a few things, I know that.” He felt feather-light caresses roaming over his chest. He took a moment to breathe it all in, and then his hand wandered to the back of Nico’s head and he started messaging his skin there. “That’s nice. You’re nice,” Nico mumbled after a while. “Well, I hope so. You’re not too bad either, you know.” He traced the shape of a heart, but the hair made it difficult. “Good to know.” His boyfriend emerged from his position somewhere between his upper body and upper arm. It was a good thing he hadn’t turned off the light, for Nico was full on grinning one of his extra bright smiles he seemed to reserve for him only. “I’m very much in love with you.” He felt the corner of his mouth skyrocket. “Ni, you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.” He moved down to him so he could capture his lips with his own. Nico’s arm wandered to his shoulder where he tugged at his shirt. Soon, his boyfriend caressed his neck with his thumb and he sensed this incredible sensation there that also made his toes curl.Nico’s thumb wandered to his jawline, when he suddenly stopped. “Marti, you’re crying.” “I am?” They looked at each other and Nico started tracing his tears with a worried expression. “Ni.” “Marti, don’t cry.” “Ni, look at me.” He complied with his request, yet still carrying worry in his eyes. “Those are tears of joy, Ni.” There was something ghost-like in Nico’s expression, when he looked into his eyes, but they softened rather quickly.“Yeah?” “Yeah.” “Tears of joy?” “Tears of joy”, he chuckled. “Okay, that’s good, right?” A hesitant smile. “I suppose it is.” “Those are tears” – he traced the path of them on his cheek – “tears of joy, because you’re so godamn lucky you’re with me?” It wasn’t really a question, more like a challenge. Nico looked smug. He smiled benignly. “Yeah, just like I said, dumbass.” And Nico’s body trembled of laughter. Softly, because it was a long day and he still looked very exhausted, but when his laughter emerged from deep inside of his belly, well, it was his favourite sound and he’d do anything to hear it. See it. Feel it. He tugged at Nico’s arm. “Come on, let’s sleep.” “You’re bossy today.” “Oh? But it’s part of my job, remember?” He felt Nico wrap himself up on his upper body again. “I don’t want you to think of this as a job, you know.” “I don’t see it like that. I’d never treat you like that. You know that, right? This is just my dumb humour.” “Ah, here we are. You finally admit you’ve got a weird sense of humour.” “Ha. Just go to sleep will you.” “You’re really something, huh?” Nico’s words became slurred again. He hugged him tight to his chest feeling his own exhaustion wash over him. “We’ll talk tomorrow if you want. Maybe I have a question or two for you.” “Sure. But don’t cry again, okay?” “I’ll try.” “Only tears of joy, Marti.” “Okay, Ni.” “Goodnight.“ “Goodnight.�� He planted a kiss on the top of his head. “Sleep well.” He sensed a kiss grazing his neck and a sigh escaped his lips. It was fascinating how fast Nico fell asleep on his chest. It didn’t take long and he was listening to his steady breathing. While he was tired out himself, he didn’t fell asleep right away. No, he concentrated on Nico’s breathing instead which made the rest of his uneasiness disappear bit by bit. He drew circles on his back occasionally thinking how lucky he was that he could be here with him. Tomorrow, they could talk more seriously, if Nico was up for it. Perhaps he’d been a bit overprotective. But he didn’t want to think about that anymore. There was no rush. The boy he fell in love with last autumn was lying in his arms and all was good in the world again. He turned his head so he could lay it down on Nico’s, and right before he drifted off, he sensed wetness emerging from his eyes. But he smiled. He smiled, because those weren’t tears of sadness. Not at all, no. ☆．。．:*･° fin ☆．。．:*･°

[thesydneyfeminists]

6 Kick-Ass Women on International Women’s Day

March 8th is International Women’s Day, and what better way to celebrate than to share a few of my favourite women in pop culture? Fictional and non-fictional, because the heart wants what it wants. This is not an exhaustive list by any means, because there are millions of kick-ass women out there doing their thing, but these are some of the first women who spring to mind for me.

Image Description: A photo of a white, wooden block calendar set on a light pink and white floral fabric background. A longer, rectangular block with the word “March” written in all capital letters in dark grey is on the bottom. A larger, square block with the number “8″ written in the same dark grey is on the top.

 Cristina Yang (Grey’s Anatomy)

I grew up in a time where there weren’t many prominent Asian characters in TV shows or movies. If they were there, they were relegated to background extras or secondary characters that are supposed to be a passing joke or a harmful stereotype. And truth be told, Cristina does sometimes fall into the overachieving Asian trope. But the way Sandra Oh played the character made her likeable and not an over-the-top, offensive stereotype that we’ve seen countless times before. Seeing Cristina on Grey’s was so new, so fresh - she was a character I could look at and go “oh hey, someone who’s written for me”. Not to mention, I hadn’t really seen too many Korean characters before, especially one played by a Korean-Canadian actress, which is a bonus. So, here was someone who looked a little like me, and was smart, sassy, and real. She was funny for the right reasons, not at the expense of herself, but because she was quick and witty (it also helped Sandra Oh’s comic timing is impeccable). Cristina also had some pretty excellent advice (regardless of some of the storylines, Cristina Yang is ride or die, and I won’t hear anything else) some of which are summed up nicely here: https://www.theodysseyonline.com/11-times-cristina-yang-gave-best-advice. Sandra Oh’s portrayal of her character came at a time when I desperately needed to see representation, and Cristina definitely left her mark on my life.

Image Description: A photo of Korean-American actress, Sandra Oh, with her hands in her pockets. She is in costume as her character on Grey’s Anatomy, Cristina Yang, with dark blue scrubs and a white lab coat. She is looking directly at the camera with a slight, closed-mouth smile.

Veronica Mars (Veronica Mars)

Honestly, I don’t know many people who have finished watching Veronica Mars without thinking Veronica is cool as hell. She’s this badass, teenage girl who went through some traumatic experiences but came away from them tough, strong and ready to fight back. Which, admittedly, viewed through a 2019 lens comes across a little clichéd and tired. But, back in 2004, I hadn’t yet learned about the trope that’s far too common when men try to write female characters. Lazy or not, I think what makes Veronica one of my favourite characters is that even though the whole situation is unrealistic (she’s a teenage private detective), the way she reacts to her circumstances is realistic. She makes mistakes. Oh boy, she makes a tonne of mistakes. But Veronica has a good heart and, if I had to sum her up, I’d say “she’s trying her best”, a saying I always strongly related to. And, listen, the girl has a taser and isn’t afraid to use it. I respect that.

Faith Lehane (Buffy the Vampire Slayer / Angel)

Anyone who knows me in real life can attest I will go down swinging when it comes to defending Faith. Right from the moment she stepped her biker boots into Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I was a fan. Faith was the slayer from the “wrong side of the tracks”, less fortunate in life than the show’s heroine. She was the “dark/evil slayer” and she was the best character that ever happened to that show. I think my pattern of favourite characters is becoming clearer … if you’re rough on the outside with a soft interior, that’s apparently my jam. Faith had a tough childhood and then made mistakes when she was 16, mistakes Buffy and her friends punished her for. She was so deeply unhappy with the path she’d taken but thought that was all she was good for. She even begs Angel to kill her because she’s “evil”. That scene is still my favourite scene in the whole BtVS universe, not going to lie, and Faith’s redemption arc is beautiful. At any given time, she proved she could’ve broken out of prison. But she stayed because she was trying to atone and be better than she was. Honestly, Faith is a blessing.

Anna Akana (YouTube)

I found Anna fairly late in the game - she had already been making videos for a few years when a friend linked me to her video Why Guys Like Asian Girls. I thought it was hilarious, relatable, and summed up everything I’ve ever thought about dating and my experiences as an Asian woman. From that one video, I was hooked. As I watched more and more, I learnt about her life. Her videos play out as comedy sketches where she plays different roles. Through them, she tackles every day advice and shares stories about her life. When Anna was a teenager, her younger sister committed suicide. Since then, Anna has been a strong advocate for suicide prevention. She’s talked about it in various videos, as well as in her books. She is upfront and honest about the aftermath of the suicide and her reactions. More than just a “YouTuber”/content creator, Anna is a wearer of many hats. She writes, produces, acts, directs (not only in her own YouTube videos, but in external projects too). And she’s written two books. One was a series of journal entries she wrote after her sister died, and the other was a memoir /guide to life that she wrote as a series of letters to her younger sister. There’s no doubt what happened in her family influences the way she views the world and has made Anna who she is today: an upfront and honest woman with a big heart and the gift to make people laugh.  

Jenna Marbles / Mourey (YouTube)

Apparently, all I do is watch TV or YouTube, because one of my other favourite women is Jenna Mourey (more commonly known by her YouTube alias Jenna Marbles). Although she is one of the “OGs” of YouTube and found her success after going viral, Jenna’s video style has changed over the years. What I’ve always loved about Jenna is she’s undeniably herself. Especially lately, she’s taken to making videos she jokingly refers to as “me time”, which include things like painting herself to look like her armchair, covering herself in green paint to blend into her green screen or gluing rhinestones all over her face, just to name a few! She credits her success to being genuine, to being herself, and to releasing content that makes her laugh. In my opinion, she succeeds. Jenna’s been one of my favourite YouTube creators since the beginning, and I was lucky enough to meet her a few years back. She’s every bit as humble, sweet and funny as she comes across in her videos.

Image Description: A photo of Jenna Marbles’ head and shoulders against an off-white background. Marbles is a white woman with brown hair pulled up in a ponytail. She is wearing a neon pink, snakeskin-patterned shirt and has silver rhinestones glued to the bottom of her face in the shape of a beard. She is looking just beneath the camera lens and her mouth is slightly ajar.

Tee Linden (Writer)

This one may be cheating a little, but I couldn’t in good conscience write a list of my favourite women and not include my best friend/platonic life partner and soul mate. Tee scrapes into the pop culture theme on a technicality by being a talented poet and writer, able to create whole universes within a few sentences. We’ve known each other for 25+ years now and have gone through the many ups and downs of life together. Tee makes me laugh in a way no one else does - the kind of laughter that physically hurts because there’s so much of it. The smartest, fiercest and most supportive woman I know, she makes everything she does look easy. In that way, and many others, we’re complete opposites. I feel as though I struggle through everything and that it shows. But our differences have always made our friendship stronger. When everyone else lets me down, I know I can rely on Tee to pick up a conversation we had five years ago and continue on as though no time has passed and nothing has changed at all.

Honestly, I could go on forever and list so many more women. But these are the ones that immediately came to mind when I tasked myself with coming up with women who inspire me. I have countless women in my life who I’m so incredibly blessed to know and even more that I’m yet to meet. So, this International Women’s Day, take a moment to acknowledge the women who shaped your life, who you admire and look up to. The ones who fought for us before we could, the ones who are still fighting and the ones who are paving the way for a better future. Support your sisters, not just your cis-ters, and remember women are magic. When we get together, we change the world.

By: Vee H

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect the views of the Sydney Feminists. Our Blogger and Tumblr serve as platforms for a diverse array of women to put forth their ideas and explore topics. To learn more about the philosophy behind TSF’s Blogger/ Tumblr, please read our statement here: https://www.sydneyfeminists.org/a

[disgustingtoast]

okay so the whole point was for Punz to bring the reader to be corrupted by the egg but surprise surprise the reader is unaffected by it so Punz gets really angry and it's just angsty and the reader is heartbroken but my lazy ass wrote part of it in one sitting and never got motivated to finish it

▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎

Y/N.”  

You tense up in shock, almost dropping the pencil in your hands, cringing as a harsh line of graphite mars the sketch you’d been working on. With a scowl you turn around, ready to give the person behind you a piece of your mind, “What the hell was that. Don’t sneak u-” You trail off as you notice who stands behind you, “Punz?” 

“Hey.” He pulls his hand out from where it’s shoved in his pocket and gives you a pathetic wave.

“Hey? You ignore me for weeks and all you have to say is hey?” Slamming your sketchbook shut, you glare at him. “Yeah no, you’re gonna have to do better than that.” 

He doesn’t react to your biting tone, his face unchanging, “It’s easier if I just show you.” 

The twinge of unease that flares in your gut is hard to ignore, there’s something... off about him. You aren’t sure whether it's the lack of a snarky comeback or the way his face hasn’t expressed any emotion other than a mask of indifference, but you have a hunch that nothing good would come if you went with him. Still, your bubbling curiosity is impossible to quell and before you can stop yourself, you're rising to your feet.

“Well? Lead me to your oh-so mysterious hidey hole.” 

As you follow behind him you study him, well, the back half of him. The stiffness of his shoulders is something that irks you, when he’d shown up he was slouched over slightly with his hands pushed deep into his pockets, nothing unlike he would do before he ditched you, yet as he lead you to some mysterious location his back straightened and he walked with an aura of confidence, his bad posture seeming to melt off him revealing someone you didn’t recognize. In an attempt to shake off your nerves you walk faster until you’re walking side by side, “So where are we going?”

“Somewhere life-changing.” Noticing your furrowed eyebrows he sighs, “You’ll understand when we get there.” 

“It better be good, I’m still pissed about you leaving me behind.”

“You’re still on about that?”

Taken aback by his tone you stop in your tracks, sure you were used to him being snappy but that was always him teasing. Maybe you were overreacting but hearing the genuine frustration in his tone reignited the anger you’d been feeling for weeks. You grab his wrist to stop him from walking, “Listen up you prick, you’re the one who took off on your high horse to God know’s where, leaving me behind without so much as a goodbye and you have the audacity to get bitchy?"

since I'm not gonna do anything with it I might as well post one of my passion projects that I got like 1/4 of the way through lmao

[thatcrappypuppy]

Goodness i hope your still doing the shipping with Rocket thing cause i only just gathered the nerve to send this XD Anyhoo,i'm 5'2, grey eyes, pale with light blond long hair. Kinda chubby and lazy,favorite things is to draw, listen to music, and play games Also love science things and stuff. Pretty quiet, let others do the talking, but say random jokes sometimes but other than that im very shy.Tend to only have a few people im close to and love to hug. Thanks for writing so much good stuff!!!

Hi there, sweetie! I’m glad you submitted, just sorry I took so long to complete the shipping! I’m still pretty sick but I’ll write anyway because I miss you guys. Also oops abandoned bullet points in this post. It’s like a fic, now. Sorry if that’s a problem. Thanks for participating and I hope you enjoy!

You were part of a mostly unsuccessful intergalactic-interspecies inclusion sponsorship that brought you and your “Earther art” to Xandar. You didn’t enjoy being considered a backwards, inferior race, but, you were grateful for the opportunity to see so many new and exciting people and places. One of those people was Rocket.

You were drawing a picture of the adorable alien, in total wonder as to how a raccoon came to be sentient and bad-mouthing Xandarians, when Peter Quill helped himself to a seat next to you.

“Hey, that looks pretty good!” Without warning, the man took your book, calling out “Rocket! Look at this! This drawing actually makes you look handsome.” You wondered if you should retrieve your work (which you needed, as Quill had taken the whole damn thing) or just run away and claim your art was destroyed and hope your Xandarian supervisor/mentor gave you a new sketch pad.

“I didn’t know you could draw,” Rocket said.

“What? No, I can’t. What makes you think I drew this?”

“I don’t know anybody else stupid enough to use these materials instead of storing it on a tablet.”

Well, that about convinced you to bolt. But, Quill chased you down - with the Guardians in tow - to return the sketchpad and apologize for stealing it in the first place.

It took everyone’s efforts to get you to say more than one-word answers, but, they eventually figured out that you were in an art program.

“Sounds stupid, if ya ask me,” Rocket crossed his arms.

“Well, nobody asked you!” Quill nearly smacked his head, lightly, but Rocket dodged.

“Hey! I’m only sayin’ that it’s a waste of time. You’re not gonna find anything pretty to draw, here. You should come with us - we see way cooler stuff all the time.”

It was a fantastic offer. One that you didn’t feel at liberty to accept. Besides, you weren’t even sure if the sassy raccoon meant it.

Instead, you remained in Xandar’s capital. You had the best chance of running into the guardians by hanging around Nova Corps, and your supervisors appreciated whenever you drew their buildings and uniforms in a flattering light.

You didn’t expect the Guardians of the Galaxy to ever pay attention to you, especially with their growing notoriety and new members, but they often managed to find you and catch up. Peter wanted to know about Earth music, if it had gone as downhill as he believed. Groot, according to Rocket, wanted you to draw him and would remain still, in a pose, for as long as it took for you to notice and draw him.

Rocket, especially, paid attention to you, which both delighted you and made you nervous. He’d watch you draw Groot, interrupt conversations between you and Peter, offer you rides “to see somethin’ as pretty as you,” or “as pretty as you can draw,” and ask about what stupid things you’d been assigned to draw. He was the first to tell you what important missions they’d been on. He’d brag about which one of his inventions saved the day. He’d show off his weapons to you, only to be admonished by Gamora for brandishing them in public.

“Why did you even bring that thing? It’s dangerous!”

He enjoyed that you paid attention to him, that you drew him, as Peter had put it, handsomely, that you were kind to Groot, and that you seemed genuinely interested in his gadgets and remembered the terminology used for them. He appreciated every time you smiled at his arrival, marvelled at his work, or blushed at his compliments to you. But, no matter how many dashing - albeit snarly - smiles he sent your way or how many times he offered you to go with them, you found some excuse to stay behind, some way to protect yourself from embarrassing yourself, some way to prevent them from realizing how useless you’d be on their ship.

When your program was over, you were given a ride home, which you accepted with obedience, thanking your supervisors for the opportunity. You sat with the few other Earthlings that had been selected. You never really got to know them in your months on Xandar. In fact, you were certain most of them didn’t even speak English, but didn’t feel the need to chat with them.

You were relieved to return to somewhere familiar and to be reunited with your close friends. But, you couldn’t shake the sad feeling that you were leaving the same number of friends behind, and without even telling them you were leaving. They were sure to dislike you, now, if they ever really liked you in the first place.

Since it was a ship full of Terrans, nobody expected anyone to interfere with your return to Earth. There were few guards on board and even fewer weapons and defense systems. They definitely didn’t expect to be attacked and boarded.

“Rocket! Can you tell us what we’re doing, already? I don’t want to go back to being a criminal!” At the sound of Peter’s voice and the mention of Rocket, you perked up in your seat, where you had, previously, been slumping into out of fear.

“Yes, we have enough on our hands thanks to your thievery with the Sovereign!” Gamora’s voice joined in.

“Breaking into a Nova ship is not wise, even if it filled with weaklings,” that was Drax’s voice. Were all the guardians here?

Rocket lead the way into the room, gun slung over his shoulder, successfully, though effortlessly, threatening away any guard that thought to protect the Earthers on board. He cast a disgusted glare around the room until he caught sight of you. Then, he grinned and pointed.

“There! See? I told you they had taken one of our friends!”

Peter walked in, saw him pointing at you, and sighed.

“Sorry, Y/N, we’re not gonna kidnap you, Rocket’s just-”

“Kidnap?” Rocket barked, looking up at Quill. “Y/N wanted to come with us, didn’t you?”

Everyone was looking at you, leaving you speechless.

“Ugh, man, we gotta work on your words. It’s a good thing I ain’t as quiet as you, or else you’d be goin’ back to Quill’s dumb planet.”

With that, he grabbed your hand and dragged you to what was left of the Eclector.

It took many codec calls to verify that, no, you were not being kidnapped and, yes, you would go back to Earth, at least temporarily, so that your relatives and friends could attest to your health and safety. The whole team chastised Rocket for not telling them, first, and for abducting you, even though he insisted that you had said you were okay with it. You were quite certain you had never said any such thing, but pretended, for Rocket’s sake, that you had.

“Y/N, seriously, if you want to go back to Earth, just let us know,” Quill assured you. You nodded. When left alone with Rocket, you asked him why he did it.

“For you, of course,” he said, looking you dead in the eye as he confidently had the nerve to tell you what you wanted. “I told ya I’d take you to see something better than Xandar.”

“Well, thanks for abducting me, then.”

“Any time,” he bared his teeth at you in a smart-ass smile. Then, his ears flicked back and he turned away. “And besides, I know ya like me and would miss me.” He said this with the same self-assured tone you were used to from him, but his posture suggested that he wasn’t actually that sure. You stood still, not wanting to deny it but not having the courage to elaborate, either. After a moment of silence, he looked at you as you wrung your hands.

“Aw, flark, do I really gotta do everything?”

He tugged on your arm until you bent down enough for him to pull you into a kiss. Your eyes were wide with surprise, but, seeing his close tightly from his nerves, you decided to the same. You weren’t sure what to do with your hands and were grateful when he grabbed them in his. Despite all his bravado, he was gentle and didn’t push you, giving you every opportunity to protest, which he knew you would be shy to do and had no intention of taking advantage of that.

He pulled away sooner than you’d have liked.

“You, uh, do like me, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” A lot. You didn’t say that. You wanted to, but you didn’t. His grin told you that he knew.

You had been afraid to draw him again, before, but, after that, your sketchbook contained a lot more Rocket.

[zacfaq]

PLEASE DON’T SEND ME “PASS IT ON” MESSAGES !! as sweet as some of they are they can be really annoying. i don’t check my PMs here! if you need to get ahold of me either send me an ask, or email me.

apparently necessary reminder: google exists! i’m not a know-it-all source, honestly i shouldn’t even be your second plan after google unless it’s a question specifically based on me or something relating to me

i try to avoid fandom drama as much as possible and keep a generally positive space, so please don’t come and ask me about stuff like that. thanks. 

if you want to commission me please send an email to zacharyjackbaron@gmail.com. do not email me through this address if your intentions are purely social and not work related

-what do you use to record and edit your speedpaints?

i use OBS to record, and edit in sony vegas

-what do you use to draw?

huion gt-191 and clip studio paint

-what are your pen settings?

just the default settings. all my custom stuff/things i’ve downloaded from CSP assets are just things i think look neat but probably never end up using. 

-a blog called papersans is claiming to be you! are they a thief?

that’s literally me, i use it to archive my art so i can find stuff easier without having to hunt through my tag. also available for people who just want to see my art n not my other posts

-when is your birthday?

february 6th!

-what is your sexuality?

gay. i like men.

-how long does it take you to draw?

idk like. awhile? sometimes 45 minutes sometimes four hours sometimes a week. 

-can i draw you/your ocs?

of course! pls show me after it would make me very happy !!!!! 

-favourite band/singer/musician?

i don’t know a damn thing about myself here’s a spotify playlist

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0Zk5o5g7nMnGt0vrJVEcDq?si=7cd248a0b64046ee

-will you do art for cheap/free?

nah. art is currently the only job/income i have, if ur interested in commissioning me you can either find my prices on like, any of my pages, but if not ur more than welcome to email me @ zacharyjackbaron@gmail.com and i can give you prices there !! -(venting or something involving abuse, suicidal thoughts, self harm, bullying, eating disorders, or other similar things in real life situations. even in fiction i’m iffy.)

i hate to sound rude or not be of help, but please don’t send these messages to me. they send me into horrible anxiety  for several personal reasons. if you’re having such negative thoughts i implore you to speak to someone you trust without an anonymous mask, or do your best to seek help from a professional. i have my own things to worry about and as much as i’d like to help, i simply can’t.

-(asking for advice that isn’t related to art)

i would love to help but i’m not an ~all knowing source~. i can’t give you tips for school. i can’t give you tips for life. not only will i probably not know a solution for you but there’s likely a chance i’m in just as bad a situation as you/going through the same problem, as silent as i am about my personal life. also don’t use ‘asking for advice’ as an excuse to vent about things or to send me a paragraph describing in depth something listed above/that’s potentially triggering. thank you.

even if you’re looking fr art tips i’m not a great source i’m still learning, ur best bet is looking for already existing sources and reading through those bc i don’t preach the word of Art God. i’m also awful at explaining things

-why didn’t you answer my ask?

Main reason is i’m just really really bad at socializing, so it’s not anything on u. i’m almost always low on energy and when i do talk to people it wears me out really quick. i’m also just. not gr8 at talking in general so if i can’t think of a reply i tend to just leave things n then end up forgetting about them

-how do you draw [blank]?

honestly my art style is such a fucked up thing that’s so personalized to my own use i can’t do or make tutorials. the best i can do is direct you to my youtube.

-can we do an art trade?

sorry, i’ll have to say no. i’m not necessarily busy but i get stressed very easily, so i try to keep my art to either personal stuff or work ! if you would like art from me, please considering commissioning me! mutuals and friends may be the exceptions here if they catch me at a good time or we make plans well ahead to do smth when we’re both free to work on stuff

-can we be friends?

please don’t ask this. i’m awful enough at socialization as is and i just don’t fit well with most personality types. not to mention this is just overall a bad question. it backs the person being asked into a corner where they either have to say “yes” and end up in a friendship that actually isn’t working out and is maybe only good for one side bc they’re getting any and all of the benefits, and if they say “no” they look like a total dick bag and come across as an ass. don’t ask this question. it’s not how socializing works. it’s not how friendships work. thanks. -can you tag [blank]? unfortunately i’ve been a real bad place in terms of memory so i can’t tag tons and tons of things. i try and tag more general/basic things but i’m sorry i’ll have to pass on specifics. if i post or reblog things that trigger u or harm you it might be best to unfollow for ur own safety!! very sorry

if it’s specific words you’d like tagged please consider blacklisting the word itself. 

-how tall are you?

i’m 5'11".

-can you promo me?

i’d rather not, doesn’t sit well with me. if you have a commission post you want me to reblog i’m happy to! but i won’t just do text based handouts, y’know? not a fan of being used for visibility for no reason, and chances are if i do it for one person it’ll happen with hundreds of others and i don’t want my blog to turn into a free advertisement zone that just floods peoples’ feeds with promotions.

-you reblogged something from someone extremely problematic/unsafe

thank you for letting me know! tell me what it is they did, even better offer proof on it. i’ll likely delete the post and blacklist their url to hopefully prevent their name popping up on my blog in the future. i won’t publish these asks mostly to avoid discourse or in the event false information is provided. sorta just safety precaution i guess

-you’ve done something bad

again, thank you for letting me know! if i post or say something questionable please feel free to message me and i’ll try my best to address the issue and adjust accordingly. i’m aiming to grow as a person so critique is welcome, both on me and my artwork. don’t just come up and call me an asshole or a prick or something, actually point out the errors and explain why they’re wrong so i can better understand and it doesn’t just turn into a defensive round of who’s worse, because i tend to be a very defensive person.

-i think someone is stealing/reposting your art!

thank you very much for telling me! don’t message them right off the bat, come to me first and i will deal with it. i’ve dealt with this shit tons of times and it’s tiring as fuck but i’d rather repeat the same stupid civil message over and over again than start a giant calamity over something and end up with someone getting hurt. if you do get involved please stay polite about it don’t throw insults just a simple “hey this art was done by princeofmints/tv-headache/zachary jack/dirtypip/(etc my other account names) and he doesn’t want his art reposted, please take this down or add proper credit.”

-can i use your art as an icon?

sure man. only on places like instagram, tumblr, or twitter though, and proper credit in an easy to see place must be given. if a piece of art is of my ocs or especially vent art though never use it for icons. thank you.

-can i repost your art?

the answer is “no” but i know you’re going to do it anyways. easy to see credit is mandatory. if you see somebody reposting my art please let me know and i’ll talk to them. if you want to use my art in things like image edits, i don’t allow that. want to use my art in a video? if it’s something like an AMV sure fine just credit me and inform me beforehand, if it’s something like a cringe/comparison video. no. i don’t want any association with work like that whatsoever. you may not use my artwork for fanfic covers.

-can i colour/finish one of your sketches?

no. even if you don’t intend on posting it. 

-what is [insert some form of media/fandom]

https://www.google.ca/

-why do you have an entirely separate blog for your FAQ? you know you can make blog pages, right?

i’m well aware of that and originally my faq WAS set up on a blog page, but unfortunately many folks proved to be either lazy or just couldn’t figure out how to get to a blog page on mobile so i had to set it up this way for accessibility purposes.

-tons of your videos are gone, what happened to them? will they come back? can you repost them?

i set old videos on private for my own sake, i don’t like having my old content available bc it just looks old and stale and i don’t like it. there’s nothing deep about it, i just don’t want people interacting with my old stuff. as deep is it gets is i just deleted videos related to fandoms i’m sick of bc the association is fuckin annoying. these videos will not come back into public. i do keep them posted for my own reflection sake, but that’s it. don’t ask me to bring them back. don’t whine about me not putting shit back out just bc ur a little sad n gonna cry. guilting people is gross, reevaluate yourself.

if you want a song from an old video, just ask me! I’ll happily let you know what the music is in case u liked ‘em and can’t remember the titles or artists. i’ve also got a playlist full of the music i listen to so u can comb through there n see if the songs u want are there

[gray-anxiety]

No Sympathy Facts/ the chaos of my brain

I kept forgetting the damn name

Legit

Like “No… no wHAT????? Oh”

Aella is a name associated with storms and wind, so I gave her that name because I wanted someone who really did embody that

I kept wanting to spell Aella’s name allen smh

This book started when i finally got off my ass and convinced myself to do a mafia au. The entire plot was pulled out of my ass in a period of brainstorming that kept me up until 5:30 the next morning

I actually sketched out the apartment’s layout so I could see it better.

later I actually designed a messy version of what it’d somewhat be like in the sims

Karanese is actually a district in the Attack on Titan universe :)

Each chapter takes me like 2 hours to write simply because I play out each and every ending in my head and choose the best one I’d want to see in a story

Other times I legit just have a feeling like I absolutely know how a chapter plays out like Chapter 3’s murder fight scene. It just came to me and all I had to do was describe it like I had just watched a movie

Chapter one took a total of seven hours to write

The plot twists were created when I asked myself what cliche can I change?

(Except I kept a few just to make fun of it I.E. roommates and badboy x nerdy character because that shit is hilarious and can really show the dynamic of how different each character really is)

Chapter two bore me to death to be honest

An actual example of my brainstorming while writing down facts:

I have no idea what the fuck to do after chapter 3 help

I pretty much said fuck it to planning out a plot and just wung it

Where am I gonna place Hange and the others

What about Eren lol

OH SHIT I JUST HAD THE IDEA THAT HANGE AND AELLA WERE FRIENDS BEFORE AELLA WAS KICKED OUT AOUFHALIUEHFALIUEHF

THEY’D TOTALLY BE LESBIANS FOR EACH OTHER

How’d you come up with the name for No Sympathy?

hilarious answer, actually. I spent two damn hours laying on my bed googling “what’s your mafia nickname” to just messing around with broken languages on google translate until it just popped in my head. Pretty much I was like “oh shit that sounds lit and fearsome lets do it bois” and yeah

I’m actually making this list of fun facts while writing each chapter. I’m going to start working on chapter 4 tomorrow and hopefully get my shit together to make a somewhat good plot??

Lmao I lied I got really fucking lazy and wrote the chapter at 11 at night and published it at midnight

I wrote everything about no sympathy in one iCloud note and titled it “No sympathy; the complete chaos of making a book”

The true main character of No Sympathy is actually Levi since I feel like I understand him completely since I relate to him so much; making Levi the easiest character I’ve written about ever. Though, his true character (in my opinion) doesn’t necessarily shine through in the beginning chapters as Levi don’t get along with new people, but you can see him warm up to Aella by doing her homework, dragging her out of the party, etc.

I’ve realized I have a distinct writing pattern while writing No Sympathy: comma, semi-colon, double dash. (Chapters two and three really showcase it as I wrote those two back to back in the car)

Had I actually had the inspiration and the motivation to write this almost a year ago, I would’ve been writing about the mafia at 13, which is an absolute hilarious thought to think about when I look back to my previous fanfics. Then again, my dumbass 14-year-old self is just as clingy as my dumbass 13-year-old self lmaoo

I gave Aella the same birth day (not year lmao) as mine (September 10) so she’d be 17 during the first month of school and 18 for the rest of the book

Going off of that fact, Levi is exactly 1 year and 8 months older than Aella (I kept his original birthday)

My cat demanded that I gave him cuddles and attention so I had to stop writing for one entire day because he wanted cuddles

Normally my cat just lays on my chest while I write b u t n o he wanted cuddles

If Levi never came into the picture Aella would probably date Hanji (for all of those fellow LGBTQIA+ readers and readers that really love Hanji)

While writing chapter 1 I listened to Ghost by Halsey on repeat and I think if you read while playing the exact song it somewhat shows in the pace I set for readers.

The term ‘block class’ is actually derived from what my own high school (even though I’m not even fully considered a freshman yet jfc) uses when referring to a 90 minute class

The book Technically begins on a Saturday with Levi — the actual power duo meet that Monday (because unlike dumbass schools in real life, their first day of school was on a Monday instead of the Friday before.) on their first day. That Tuesday was chapter 4, Wednesday being chapter 5, Thursday being chapter 6 (we skip Friday because it doesn’t fucking matter in the story lmao), and Saturday being the day of the party.

Writing an x reader but without the reader was really fucking hard, honestly. I couldn’t just randomly say ‘Levi looked over at the H/C girl working on her homework across from him’ as it’d just be weird, so I thought of the next best thing and never described Aella — making her free for interpretation of her looks.

I was going to have Aella have a name reveal like ‘my real name is Y/N…’ but then I was like “No what? Fuck it. Levi already knew from the beginning after looking at her documents.”

No Sympathy was actually going to be an original story, but Levi’s character fit so well I decided to make it a fanfic.

I actually wanted to stop writing after chapter 3 because I didn’t know what to do with the plot, but I asked my friend for help coming up with the plot using the paragraphs of ideas I had to make an actual plot. So, I can successfully say I owe it to her for helping and the one sentence that kept me going in my head: “I want to make a story I’m proud of.” So I fucked up my (nonexistent, really lmao) sleeping and eating schedules and started working on this book everyday even when I didn’t post a chapter that day.

Though, it’s not really specified in the early chapters, Aella was bullied into being hated by the entire school — leaving her to be all alone, which actually happened to me and gave me PTSD after transferring.

Ironically, I gave Aella a ton of reactions and characteristics I would/ just generally have, but I see myself more in Levi, which is probably why I prefer writing about him over Aella.

As of writing this, chapter 5 is currently my favorite chapter as it is a mix of a filler chapter and a regular important chapter still just as important as the rest.

Depression and PTSD actually got in the way of writing so many times I actually am surprised I’ve written so much

As writing has always been my go to for letting out everything (as I have z e r o close friends lmao) I actually don’t realize when I’m done with each chapter until I realize I’m out of ideas for said chapter.

I don’t even realize I write about 2,000 words until it’s like “oh,,”

No Sympathy wasn’t just any fanfic for me, it was like I was actually Aella seeing the entire story unfold from beginning to finish

I tried to push myself to describe more, as I’ve noted while rereading my previous shitty fanfics — I struggled describing everything.

I tried to not have the basic “tch”, “brat”, and just random cursing from Levi unless it was at the exact wrong time (or I just put it in because I could totally see him saying that in said situation)

I tried characterizing Hanji as someone who wasn’t the basic overexcited dumbass most fanfics portray her as — instead I tried thinking of her as an actual person with reactions and different moods  and tried to embody that each time I wrote her

Character development is a huge thing Ive been trying to work on ever since I wrote A Valkyrie and a Mischievous God (though that character development and story sucked ass and I cringe at how popular it’s gotten), and a huge target for it was none other than Aella. At the beginning you could see she felt trapped in an endless cycle of stress and fending for herself, but when Levi came in and was like “lmao I have money you don’t have to stress” she felt like she was in an odd spot, and eventually after she reunited with Hanji she started to feel more free

Parents were completely cut out of this story because I genuinely don’t know how to write them as mine are either states away by choice or always working, so I just had Aella get kicked out and had her entire family gone.

My best ideas surface at 4 am when I’m trying to fucking sleep

Help me

But hey I now have a new passion for this book

I generally didn’t know how to end it

buT THEN I D I D

A huge thing for me, and my entire driving motion for writing this was a simple sentence: “I want to write something I’m proud of.”

Am I proud of this?

Eh. It’s not shitty, I suppose. I could always do better.

Characterization was so difficult for me. I wanted to stray from basic fanfics of an overly hyper Hange (though, I couldn’t help in some situations, but after watching an entire season and a half in one day, you notice personality changes) and write and more serious one — except I’m a damn shitty author with so many grammatical mistakes my ex-mentor would literally rip her hair out.

Writing a book has always been my goal, and I know this is the only thing that will ever come close to it.

I have another Levi x reader planned, but I always hate doing the basic ‘_____’ ‘Y/N’, etc because it literally drives my depressed self I n s a n e when writing

Most times for my outline summaries of the chapters I just put my name in place of Aella lmao

I actually struggled a lot when writing this; sometimes I even broke down thinking no one liked this book or I wasn’t a good enough author to write anymore.

My asshole self mainly spent my summer writing this rip

Currently, as it is July 2nd, I am literally hoping to Levi that I fucking get this done before August or else I’m so fucking screwed with beginning high school and shit.

Oh yeah btw, I’M NOT FUCKING READY FOR THE FINAL SEASON. I’LL BE A DAMN SOPHOMORE AND THAT IN ITSELF K I L L S ME

I don’t know if I’m actually going to continue with this book, but have these collected facts I started writing the moment the first chapter was out :,) It’s already September and my past dumbass was right

High school is kicking my ass

I have another story idea/plot written out and I really like it so idk. I think I’d stop halfway again because I’d think that no one would like it

[becauseimsensational]

Killing Eve rewatch: "I'll Deal With Him Later"

Of course, Eve remains as tangentially relatable as ever during her meeting with Carolyn: from the five seconds of awkward stuttering that seem to last five minutes because secondhand embarrassment is a REAL problem, to the point at which she explodes in her learned polite, British manner, Eve's frustration leaps off the screen and demands attention. I have to wonder how many times she's tried explaining this theory of hers to Niko, or to Bill and Elena, and how many times they'd tell her she was insane and grasping at straws. For once, someone is listening to her, believes her, and isn't calling her crazy. The line, "It's like I've stepped into my brain!" is massively important for both Eve and the audience. It shows Eve's intelligence and tenacity with these cases, but it also gives her a sense of agency and validates the extra secret work she'd put in at MI-5 that's now paying off. (Side note: God bless Phoebe Waller-Bridge for casting Fiona Shaw as Carolyn, because that line about the rat drinking from the can of Coke is so absurdly funny due to her deadpan delivery of it, and I'm not sure any other actress would've been able to do that line justice.) That whole scene is also a massive turning point, because Eve is finally allowed to investigate what she wants to, and she's got no boundaries or dickswab superiors telling her she can't.

I think one of the most endearing things about Villanelle is her sense of humor and the deadpan delivery of some of her answers. The exchange with Konstantin about the bruise on her eye is undeniably funny, but it's interesting that a hardened assassin uses humor to deflect any possible kernel of truth, even with someone she's so familiar with. The assessment scene is wickedly funny, too, in true Villanelle fashion. The line about the photo of the hanged man having "good legs" should not be funny, but somehow it is. Villanelle subverts all expectations, laughing at and making light of things that "ordinary" people should not—but don't we all know someone like that, who laughs at awfully morbid things? Who uses humor as a mask for their true feelings? (I personally use dark humor constantly to cover the trauma I experienced in the past, which may be informing my feelings toward the assessment scene, but I digress.) The appeal of using dark humor in stressful situations is a sense of control that I think most of us crave. It's a control that Villanelle certainly has—until Konstantin makes Jerome ask her about Anna and shows her the sketch of the woman. For me, there are two possibilities here: either she's lying and the woman is Anna, or she's lying and it is actually her mother.

Either would make sense, honestly. It's very easy to lie and bite out the first denial that comes to mind, even if it's just a direct reversal of what the other person said. At this point, the audience doesn't know who Anna is, but we can assume she was someone important to Villanelle, or she wouldn't have had such a hard time getting back to using humor to control the situation. I personally think Villanelle was, for once, being genuine when she said the woman was supposed to be her mother. It could make sense, given the fact that she keeps staring at older women with dark hair. It could be an unfulfilled maternal fantasy, or I could just be talking out of my ass and she was actually joking about it being her mom. Also, we don't know how long Konstantin had that sketch in his possession for, so it's unlikely the woman in the sketch is Eve. On the off-chance it is actually Eve (or Random London Hospital Woman, from Villanelle's pov), maybe Villanelle sketched it because her hair reminded her of Anna's. But who knows? That scene is still kind of ambiguous to me.

After the assessment when she hugs Konstantin, I sensed a bit of a disconnect. The hug looked inorganic, forced, and like it was a spur-of-the-moment thing she remembered that people do sometimes. This is definitely coming from beyond the constraints of just this episode, but I'd be willing to bet she's never hugged anyone without an ulterior motive. Ever. Call me crazy but Villanelle just doesn't seem like a hugger. Someone pointed out to me that Villanelle is very similar to an AI, a comparison I hate (because robots terrify me lol) but one that makes sense. She has no moral compass or ethical code, she's an efficient killing machine and, most interestingly, she mimics other people's behavior to fit in. I truly think she has no idea how to be a "normal" human, which explains the smiling battle with the little girl on the ice cream shop from episode one, the awkward way she hugs Konstantin, and then mimicking the laughter she hears on the radio when she's out with Sebastian.

Oh, Sebastian. Adorable, sweet, sensitive Sebastian. I actually was rooting for him to stay alive, but…well, we see how long that lasted. While the sex scene didn't come as a shock to me at all, the logistics of it were weirdly refreshing. For once, the woman was on top, in total control, and the man was begging for mercy. For once, the man was being used as a sexual object for the woman's gratification. I found myself audibly "aww-ing" for the fifth fucking time because I'm a sap when Sebastian assured Villanelle he'd never hurt her, while her hand was around his throat. Never one for sentimentality, Villanelle's cold, vacant eyes and flat affect tacitly told us all we needed to know: "This was fun, but I don't believe you. And I'm not going to let you get close enough to find out if you're lying."

The subtle recognition in Eve's eyes in the bathroom speaks to the nuance of Sandra Oh's acting. It's clearly just a passing remembrance, because I'm fairly certain the traumatic memory of walking into witness the carnage in that hospital room would outweigh a nurse in a bathroom, but for some reason the encounter stood out to Eve. She's almost constantly fiddling with her luxurious mane, and probably spends most of her time trying to keep it out of her face. And then a random beautiful young woman stares at her for a little too long, then tells her to "Wear it down," which may have been the first time anyone's ever told her that.

THE KILL: It might sound demented, but I think this one is my favorite. Villanelle is a master manipulator and knows exactly what to say to get Carla to smell her perfume. Not to mention all the preparation that went into that kill? Mixing that toxic perfume, having the correct outfit and wig, the "three weeks of catering training" she supposedly did, and the tampon in her pocket as an excuse to get to her target? She really thinks of everything when it comes to her job, and that's a determination I can support! (Well, mostly, I mean she is killing people…) But then there's the utter fascination in her eyes as she watches Madame De Mann die, slowly and excruciatingly. And then, of course, Villanelle makes it laugh-out-loud funny by grabbing the woman's hand and waving goodbye with it, once again using dark humor even though she's had control of the situation the whole time.

Yet again, Sebastian's the sweetest guy who didn't deserve what happened to him. He's not an idiot, of course he didn't believe that Konstantin was her brother. Not to mention he literally walked in on him choking her against the wall? His willingness to protect Villanelle (AKA "Julie") is adorable and noble, but it was his curiosity and desire to support her in her perfume business that got him in the end, poor guy. Also, Konstantin's lazy, half-assed "I'm her brother" never fails to crack me up, along with Villanelle's "Dealt with" when they find Sebastian's body. PWB's writing and Jodie Comer's delivery are the perfect match, I swear.

The final scene of both leading ladies trying to research the other has to be one of my favorites of the series. In a way, it's a little like the moment in You've Got Mail when Tom Hanks realizes the perpetual thorn in his side is the woman he's in love with—but Meg Ryan's still in the dark for the rest of the movie. The instant oh shit look on Villanelle's face is priceless. She's relaxing in bed after a glass of champagne, googling Eve's name to see what comes up, and then…it's her. She probably never thought she'd see Hospital Bathroom Woman again, but there she is! On her screen, and leading a department just for her; the cocky grin she had when Konstantin first told her is nowhere to be found. On Eve's end, she's poring over every photo of every nurse at that hospital; it's late, she should be home in bed, but she can't sleep until she finds a photo of the woman. When she doesn't, it finally connects: "I think I've met her."

Random observations:

-During the assessment, Villanelle speaks of her mother in the present tense: "I'm joking. My mother has really thin, shitty hair." To me, that line indicated that her mother's alive. (Because I've seen this show in its entirety four times already, this will definitely come up again later but for now it's just something to keep in mind)

-Frank's still a dickswab. God I can't wait until I get to watch him get murdered again

-Why national anthems? Of all the genres of music she could have thrown out, why that one? She was born in a post-Soviet Russia, so the anthem's been toned down a bit; also, Konstantin told Jerome that she doesn't speak Russian anymore, indicating a disconnect from her homeland. But the French national anthem? That makes a little more sense for Villanelle to like. It's defiant, it's triumphant, and damn it's violent. But just because you like one country's national anthem doesn't mean you like them all, and most of the rest of them are boring "I love my country" rhetoric that are sorely lacking the mentions of bloodshed that the French have. She's just a constant surprise, I guess lol

-Sebastian's got a dressform in his apartment, which I think is cool because hey, he did actually make his trousers like he said.

-Villanelle eats on screen, which is so refreshing for a female character. And they're not like important meals, it's snacking and eating junk food like real people do. (Yeah, the bar for women acting like humans on screen is that low)

-Who would I be if I didn't mention that infamous champagne cork pop?! The placement of the bottle right between Jodie's legs, and the fact that it explodes right after Villanelle says Eve's name? Iconic. There had to have been some deity that blessed that take because…wow, it was perfect. And totally unexpected and unscripted, as Jodie confirmed on twitter.

-Even in the photo Villanelle finds of her, Eve's got her hand in her hair, messing with it as usual. Maybe it's a manifestation of Eve's insecurities, either about her appearance (for which there is no reason, have you seen Sandra Oh?) or about herself generally.

-If you pause the screen while Villanelle's googling, some of the search results are hilarious!

The first one (from the not at all made up website 'powbangsmash.tv') advertises "Horrific Wrestling Accidents" featuring Polastri Pulverizer, which is just so random, even for a fake google search.

The second is about Niko who, apparently, tutors people in the world's most boring card game AND was the national champion in 1998, because of course Niko's really really good at really really mundane things.

The third mentions the origins of the Polastri family line which: "BEGAN IN THE 1880S WITH ERIC POLASTRI, WHO HAD THREE WIVES EACH NAMED JANE" which is just bizarre

The fourth one, my favorite, is a One Direction Fan Fiction called "A Hallow's Eve in the wrong direction" from the site 'fanfictionsandhomemadetales.org' which, sadly, doesn't actually exist. (Yes I did look that one up)

The last one is about a house fire and how the dad saved the family's puppy, named Eve. Pets with human names will never not be funny to me, and Eve is just so odd-sounding for an animal.

[gatorfruit-moved]

hey! do all the cute questions you want to do 💙

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

More cereal than milk, I don’t like drinking the cereal milk afterwards

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

Hell yeah it makes me feel alive

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

Hall passes

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

Black or with raw honey for tea, sometimes a bit of sugar or creamer with coffee but I refuse to put milk in my tea

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

Eh, I kinda like it tbh. I got the stupid crooked smile, it just looks bad in pics

6: do you keep plants?

I try but Ohio is the worst. I want to keep some succulents and cacti.

7: do you name your plants?

Occasionally, I had three succulents and one had a name, I think it was Via or something else with a v

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

Mostly drawing but sometimes writing. If I’m feelin “free” I play really distorted guitar or bass and if I’m sad I can play a mean flute

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

I love singing in general man

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

Equal between side and back even if I am restless, I cannot do stomach

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

Nobody speaks Italian dipshit

12: what’s your favorite planet?

Uranus, no not because of anus jokes, it’s my dominant planet and it’s also just neat. I like saturn too.

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

Playing donkey with a few people at GSA

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

Lots of animals, 100% we would have two sphinxes and a snake, art and instruments everywhere

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

I don’t need to google it lmao, I took astronomy last semester. It’s a pretty basic one but Uranus is on its side

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

Ravioli boiiiiiiiiiii

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

I wanna try real dark blue

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

I mean Nick likes to quote me, “I drown my sorrows in latin pop”

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

I keep a really inconsistent journal. It’s mostly writing but like three sketches are in it.

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

Brown, needs more love

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

My marching band sling bag which is fucked up and has been almost everywhere with me since the summer of 2016, its been covered in mud, burnt, almost shredded with a pocket knife, almost fell into the middle of a lake

22: are you a morning person?

Not at all

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

Play video games in the morning and wander around with Mack when he’s up for it

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

Mack

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

I’ve broken into kiddie pools in the middle of the night multiple times

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

My grey street style converse

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

Cinnamon bby

28: sunrise or sunset?

Sunset

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

He’ll say something rude then immediately say “Sorry I love you”

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

God yeah, I don’t really remember the situation but I remember the feeling

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

I don’t like socks but I refuse to wear tennis or dress shoes without them cuz of my nail phobia. The colors don’t matter unless I’m going to something formal. I cannot sleep with socks unless I’m freezing my ass off

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

Mack and I couldn’t sleep during my birthday party and we decided to go check the pool times and got locked out of the room and the other two were asleep so we sat in the hall for about an hour

33: what’s your fave pastry?

Macarons, I love poffertjes but they aren’t really a pastry

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

I still have Purple Kitty from when I was little, the fabric on him is tough af like why is he made of that

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

I like a nice pen and stationary set with a wax seal too but I don’t use them often enough to own anything

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

I’m really neutral rn but I’m listening to blackbear

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

It’s not a matter of liking it but my room is really messy

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

Misophonia a bitch man. I’m also really aggressive about it being zo-ology not zoo-ology, venomous not poisonous, saying snakes are slimy, shit like that

39: what color do you wear the most?

Pfft black

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

I have Opa’s dog tags and the ring I got on Kelley’s Island

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

When the Moon Was Ours

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

I don’t, I’ve only really been to Starbucks

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

It wasn’t stargazing but I did comment on the stars the other night with Audra, Nick, and Mack while they talked about how fucking cursed Falls is. The last real stargazing I did was with Kennedy this summer.

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

The other day, it only lasted a little bit before Carson ruined it. Dove sounds are calming.

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

No, I overanalyze everything

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

I’m really bad at puns oops. I don’t think it counts as a pun but one of my favorite jokes is people who don’t understand the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways that I cannot put into words.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

Fucking green beans

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

I mean I’ve always been afraid of chickens and had a nail phobia

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

I like it but I haven’t for awhile. I honestly can’t remember it.

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

Disney funkos but it isn’t that odd, I like the bat stuffed animals with the loops on the back

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

Brown Eyed Girl and Crazy Little Thing Called Love for a girl that people I know irl will immediately recognize

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

Finally some good fucking food is a good one, absolute unit, Mine, sKINNY LEGEND

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

I haven’t seen Heathers or Pulp Fiction but the others are Quality

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

Mack

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

I’ve chewed up a leaf to prove it wasn’t plastic, drank a cup of sweet and sour sauce, shoved a cucumber down my throat, a lot of weird shit

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

I like listening to people get excited over things

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

It makes me sad because of grief I’m not listening to it

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

Nick is wine mom for all his tea. Mack is vodka aunt because we’re dumbasses together, we’re gonna be each others’ kids’ cool uncle.

59: what’s your favorite myth?

Honestly I have no fucking clue, Caeneus is neat

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

I’m not a huge fan of poetry but I can appreciate it, Poe is a main mans

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

I like to give people bad sketches. I got a leaf once.

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

I don’t usually have juice but if I do it’s orange

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

Oof I’m a huge mess

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

Blue I think but I can’t get to a window rn

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

Micah or Uzii and Abbas

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

I like natural ones, I made a daisy and wild clover one that was almost perfect, it needed some kinda bigger flower

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

I like them a lot

68: what’s winter like where you live?

Freezing and comes out of nowhere, once I wore shorts and a tank top one day and my winter coat the next

69: what are your favorite board games?

I don’t really play board games but I like donkey, a card game

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

No, I usually watch my friends when they use one and laugh at them when they freak out

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

I like english breakfast and green, especially the kind they have at hibachi but it’s only available for restaurants

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

God yeah but I don’t do it.

73: what are some of your worst habits?

Biting my nails, retelling stories, there’s a lot more

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

A pseudo-skater, loved more than they think, supportive like nobody else, knows just how to make me feel better, possum kid, rat parent, this ungendered thing is difficult, angry, accidentally yells shit they shouldn’t

75: tell us about your pets!

I’ve got Petey, an anxious boston that’s going grey too early, Pete aka Little Bear, a frenchie that licks too much and looks like your stereotypical black french bulldog, Petunia aka Bug, a nutcase boston with a white face and black ears with a little bit of white on the ends, and Pig, a frenchie that likes biting noses with one floppy ear and bug eyes that doesn’t look like a dog. There’s also Dabb our uromastyx. I call him a scaly puppy because he is.

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

Finishing a final

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

Pink

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

HATE

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

It’s not really the kind of cute this means but I was upset, leaned on Mack, said I felt like shit, and he made me let him hug me normally without saying a word. I got a lot of good hugs during the cast dinner bc when I cry I don’t stop and everyone who looks at me cries. Damian prob was the cutest cuz he’s usually more reserved emotionally and was really wild but then he was quiet and sad.

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

Pink, teal, and purple. I hate it.

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

Oof I forget what his eyes look like oops. I knew someone with eyes the color of deep tunnels in that dark wet clay earth with flecks of gold and stripes like tree bark

82: are/were you good in school?

Ehhhh, I’m not good at turning things in

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

I like a lot of blackbear’s stuff

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

I have a lot of plans like the cadmium symbol, a cosmo, a calavera, a snake diagram, a hyena, a testosterone molecule

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

I read some stuff on webtoon like Darbi, Lackadaisy, and Lil Char and the Gang

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

I didn’t know that was a like a thing, I thought that was just how some albums are

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

Coco damnit, also Stand By Me

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

I really love pop art

89: are you close to your parents?

I guess? They’ve just got personalities I don’t really like

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

Pittsburgh babey!!!!! I love the hills and the style of houses and the energy of those people that bleed black and gold and the yinzers I can understand perfectly and the mountains that are so easy to get to and the art scene and the zoo and primantis and aaaaaaaaaah I love Pittsburgh.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

Pittsburgh and L.A. like always. Going to Disneyworld for a band trip spring break.

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

Only a tiny bit

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

Pompadour mohawk

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

Oof most recent I think was my art teacher Miss Harry

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

Prom

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

I procrastinate so bad dude

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

ENTP, aquarius sun, gryffindor

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

A couple months ago I did the gorge for the first time. I haven’t gone on a good hike for awhile and it upsetting. I love hiking so much.

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

Blackbird, Here Comes the Sun, For Forever, This Is Home, there’s a fair amount

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? Why?

Go back five years and tell myself to not talk to A and to just accept myself earlier, it’ll life better, to join wrestling, to ask her out, to just do shit, stop hesitating. To talk to Mack, he’ll be one of the greatest people you’ll ever meet. Give Cadmium all the love you can. Tell Opa you love him and spend more time with him.

[alamanyar]

joy; a skam italia fanfic

words: 6.391 character’s pov: martino ships: martino x niccolò; martino & mamma rametta, martino & giovanni summary: a glimpse into the near future of martino’s life and his relationships with the people he cares most about. it’s funny, he feels like the luckiest boy in the world, and yet he worries about not being good enough.

disclaimer: english is not my mother tongue. i hope there won’t be any grave mistakes that will make you turn away from the story. if it’s the story(-line), then fine, that’s fair enough, but yeah i hope i didn’t embarrass myself. enjoy :’)

joy ☆．。．:*･° It’s been a couple of weeks into the New Year and Martino couldn’t be happier. It seemed as if life finally made sense, as cheesy as it sounded; and yet. Most of the time, he found himself living in a content bubble. There was his new found identity, which gave him so much energy- sometimes he didn’t know what to do with it. His relationship with his mother kept improving with every day and he didn’t lie to his friends anymore. Well, only if it had something to do with Niccolò. He couldn’t count the times they had sneaked off to the bathroom on the second floor of the school building. They even ditched some meet-ups with the boys, because they rather stayed home to spend time alone together. But other than that, there was no need to lie anymore. Martino liked boys and he liked one boy especially. Nico never failed to keep him on his toes. He was quirky and challenging and he came up with the weirdest ideas. In January they had gone to the Villa Borghese gardens and when Nico unpacked his drawing tools, he spotted a marble statue he wanted to sketch− together with Martino in the picture. After a couple of minutes of ridiculous arguments, he gave in: Nico, with that smug look on his face kept drawing for what seemed like hours. His boyfriend always ended up directing him to pose like this or that, but mostly it was just fun, and watching him get excited over it was an expierence he would cherish forever. He only called it a day, when he started to freeze his ass off, after all, it was winter and all this posing and standing didn’t keep him warm. So basically, whenever he thought the boy he was lucky enough to be with had a weird idea, he ended up loving the idea. Easily.Nico embodied what he called loveable energy, sometimes lovable asshole energy, to add, and Martino wouldn’t have it any other way. He liked Nico the way he was. However, at the beginning of Feburary, his boyfriend started appearing a little bit uneasy. He didn’t get that far to call him restless, but he was somewhat alarmed. Actually, he always worried about him in the back of his head, but he could tone down the worry most of the time and just be a normal supportive boyfriend. Whatever normal was supposed to mean. He didn’t mention anything, because he felt like he would put pressure on him by doing so. And that was the last thing he wanted to do, so he remained silent and hoped being here with him was enough. On the last day of school into the second week of February, they went to his house to relax. They had no plans with the boys, so they decided to keep it quit. Nico was sketching on his bed while he sat on his desk researching for the Radio. Never in a million years had he thought that his Friday afternoons could come close to something like this. The thing was, they had talked about the new topic “Age of Discovery” for the Radio on the way to his house. Nico was hooked on geographical maps at once. There was something about getting lost in the imagination to go anywhere he wanted, even if it was only in his mind. Martino could understand that well. His mind had often drifted off to an imaginary world where there was no need to worry about coming out. A place where it didn’t matter whom he loved. A place where everything was easier to handle. But now that he was with Nico, he didn’t dream to escape from the real world anymore, only if it meant going someplace together with him. Perhaps that was why he ended up reading articles about the discovery of magnetic compasses and how it changed the world of navigation. He found that oddly fascinating. One day, he hoped they could navigate a ship together. There wouldn’t be need for compasses, for they were guiding each other. Just like now. Between Nico’s pencil flying over the sketchbook and his occasional typing on the keyboard, while Vespa noises interloped through the open window dancing together with indie music softly playing in the background. He floated through space it seemed, until he noticed Nico had stopped sketching eventually. He turned around from his desk and saw that his boyfriend had dozed off. He was lying on his side, drawing utensils still in his hand. A tiny bundle of black hair, halfway wrapped up. Martino wasn’t sure how long they had worked on their respective things, he kind of had lost track on time, but it obviously had been tiring for Nico. Or maybe, a voice whispered in the back of his mind, Nico was more tired than usual. And that could mean something else was up. He tried to burry that thought. Vehemently. Just stay calm, he told himself. Pay attention, but stay calm. He was starting to get hungry, but he wanted to lie down beside Nico for a while, so he went to his side of the bed and mirrored his boyfriend’s position. He was intent not to wake him when he got under the covers, but when he carefully took sketchbook and pencil from his grip, Nico mumbled something unintelligibly. “You were saying?” “Nothing.” “Oh? Then I have a ghost lying in my bed?” “Funny.” Marti chuckled and moved closer. He nuzzled his nose against Nico’s and kissed it softly. “It’s okay, we don’t have to talk. I can just sleep, too." “I wasn’t sleeping.” Then, after a pause. “I’m sorry.” “What for?” He nudged his shoulder gingerly. “I’m not really talkative today.” “What are you saying? We’ve talked.” “Not really since we got here.” “So?” Nico exhaled loudly. “You don’t have to talk all the time. Or do stuff. You know we can just lie here together.“ “You’re not worried?” “Why should I be worried?” He tried to sound causally, but instantly felt a rush spreading out on his cheeks. “That I’ve been sleepy lately.” “So you think I should?” “I don’t know, Marti. I don’t−” “Hey.” He put sketchbook and pencil under his pillow and started caressing his boyfriend’s cheek. “I don’t mind.” “What if, what if−” He listened to Nico struggling to get the words out. He knew, he knew what he was about to say. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear it. When Nico suffered, something deep inside of him stired. He continued stroking his cheek and witnessed a tear coming out of his eye. If there was a possibility to give him the world, he’d outright do it. “Hey, com’ere”, he mumbled and drew Nico to his chest. “Tell me. Are you worried?” “I’m worried about hurting you”, he half-whispered in reply. “Why?” “Because I already have. It could happen again. ”“That’s in the past. And if, you wouldn’t do it deliberately.” He planted a kiss on the top of Nico’s head and let his lips linger there for a while. “What if I do it again?” He felt his boyfriend disappear into his chest, as if he wanted to hide there and never face the real world again. Never face his fears and worries. He hugged him a little bit tighter and started to draw lazy circles on his back. “I don’t know. Let’s not worry too much about that, okay?” After a while, a hoarse whimper escaped Nico lips. “I don’t want to draw you into my mess.” “Don’t be ridiculous. I happen to like your mess.” Nico chuckled. It was soft, almost not audible. Maybe it happened out of pity. But it was there.Baby steps, he reminded himself. “You’re too good to me. You’re too good for me”, he heard him mumble drozily. “Well, I don’t think there exists something like being too good, but I’ll take the compliment, thank you.” Nico answered him with what appeared to be a failed nudge into his chest, followed by a deep grumble of him and then, a ghost of a kiss, planted where his heart was supposed to be. His hand found the back of Nico’s hair and he started running his fingers through them. “It’s okay, just sleep for a bit, hm?” After a while, Martino went back to drawing circles on his back. Lines and curves and what not followed, until he felt Nico fall asleep on his chest, breathing steadily with his face burried in the crook of his neck. He continued to hold him, yet when his stomach started making low rumble noises, he carefully untangled himself from Nico’s embrace. He made sure his boyfriend was covered comfortably when he left his room. ☆．。．:*･° He found his mother in the kitchen, who seemed to look for something inside of the fridge. “Hey ma”, he greeted. She turned around and gave him a smile. “Hey you.” “What are you looking for?” He pointed to the fridge. “Well something we can have for dinner. I don’t think we have enough for the three of us.” “No? Well, I don’t think Nico will eat with us today.” “He left without saying good-bye?” “No, no, he’s sleeping”, he calmed his mother down who was definitely shocked of the mere possibility. He grunted. “Why are you laughing, eh?” “No, I’m sorry. It’s just your face.” “Ah, so my face is funny now, too?” She laughed now as well, and he couldn’t help but crack up.“You know what?” “No, tell me.” “I’m happy you were offended that he’d leave without saying good-bye.” “Well, it’s not like him to do something like that, is it?” “No yeah, it really isn’t. It’s good to, uh, it’s good to see you get along well.” “He makes it rather easy. That boyfriend of yours and his charm. It’s really something.” “Yeah.” He looked down, grinning from ear to ear, before he lifted his head up again, looking at his mother, who was still standing in front of the fridge with her face aligned to him. She looked content. It was his favourite look on her, without a doubt. If only he could make it to never go away. “So listen, you don’t think he’ll be hungry when he wakes up? I could rush down to Samir to get some more ingredients.” “I’m not sure he will wake up anytime soon. He seemed really out of it. He’s probably sleeping through the night.” “Rough day at school?” “I’m not sure. More like a rough week, I think.” His mother closed the fridge and walked over to him still standing in the door. “What’s up, my love?”, she asked carefully, but with this fierceness of her that made him shiver. It was typical of his mother to know that there was something up with him and sometimes he wished she wasn’t capable to read him like a book. But she was, and so they were standing on the treshold looking at each other when he felt his eyes swell up with tears. He gulped. “If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine, Marti, just tell me.” She caressed his cheek and he gave in, cautiously at first, and then, an instant later, he hugged her to his chest. “Ouuff!” „Sorry. Sorry, ma” he breathed out. There was only dry air in his lungs. At least it felt like it. „No, no, it’s okay. Come, sit down.“ She tried to guide him to the table in the living room, but he held on to her. „Hey, hey“, his mother tried calming him down stroking his back and some short time later his hair. He suppressed a sob and only as he gained control of his breathing, he was ready to let go. After they settled down at the table, chairs facing each other, his mother took his hand and stroked it gently. It felt as if minutes passed until he could talk. „I’m… I’m worried he’s not feeling good. That… that something’s not right again and that I… that I can’t do anything to help him.” He suppressed another sob and looked into his mother eyes which a part of him regretted since she looked back at him worriedly. He had promised not to worry her anymore, didn’t he? Why couldn’t he keep his damn promise? „Marti, oh, my boy.” She enclosed his hands with her own, giving them a squeeze. „You’re doing enough, believe me. Your’re so good with him. Don’t doubt yourself, okay?” He tried to answer with a nod, but he was absolutely sure he failed regarding in that aspect, and so he gave his mother’s hand a little squeeze, so she’d know he had heard her at least. „Ma, I have been terrible to you when you were… suffering. And I’m so sorry for treating you badly then. I hope you know that.” He touched his brow and rubbed over the tiny hairs there to gather himself. He didn’t dare look at his mother. He was certain, he wouldn’t continue talking; so he straightened his back a little and carried forward. “I’m trying to-to be optimistic now, but what if he gets sick of that? What do I do when that’s not helping? Maybe I don’t understand him enough. I want to make him feel better and I know I can’t really do that, you know? It’s not up to me. Not entirely anyway.” He put his hand back on his thigh and immediately found it enveloped in his mother’s hand. „Marti, you’re doing wonderfully, believe me. Nico appreciates everything you do; I can see it in his eyes. If you are afraid, you’re being too optimistic or whatever it is, you can ask him. But listen, what matters most is that you stay true to yourself while trying to help him, okay? I think he wouldn’t feel comfortable sleeping in your bed right now, if there was a problem with what you’re doing.” „You really think that?” He finally looked up and found his mother gazing at him. She beamed with certainty. „I do. He can be himself here with you and that is all the answer you need. At least to me.” „He thinks he’s getting me down with his moods. With his disorder.” He wiped away a tear. And another. „Well, that’s normal I think. I mean, he’s afraid he’ll drown you with his sorrow and he wants to protect you from that. But those are moments he has, you know, it’s not always like that. He doesn’t have those kind of thoughts all the time. He doesn’t want to lose you, sure, but mostly, he just wants to feel better.” He glanced at his mother, who was giving him an encouraging nod.„Do you feel like that, too? When you are being down?“ She took a moment to answer. „Well, I always feel a heavy amount of regret. It is as if I have no control over disappointing people, especially you. I feel like I’m letting you down. I feel ashamed that I don’t have the power to make myself happy.“ He squeezed her hands. “You know, it isn’t your fault.“„And it isn’t Nico’s fault, nor yours. There’s nothing at fault here. It is what it is.“ He pondered a while over his mother’s words while she losened her grip on his hand. A moment later, he felt her caressing his cheek. It tickled. He smiled at her. „You really think I’m doing the right thing? Maybe I could be more thoughful?“ She softly tugged at some of his loose curls, before she brushed them to the side. „If you ask me that, then I think you’re precisely in the right place.“ He frowned at her. „Listen, ma, I know you understand Martinese, but I’m not sure I understand your own version of it.“ „Oh you little shithead.“ She pinched him in the cheek which he answered with a fake cry of hurt, more or less. „Listen, you are questioning whether you’re reacting correctly or not and I think that says it all. I am positive you shouldn’t change your behaviour, but I don’t have an answer to everything. So, I’d say go ask him, if you find the courage.“ „Okay.“„That boy of your needs reassurance. He doubts he’s not good enough for you… when he has these moments, alright? And I know it’s not always easy reassuring someone, especially those who are closest to you, but try to remember, he doesn’t do it in order to hurt or annoy you.“ „I think I understand what you mean.“ He gave his mother a little smile. „Marti?“ „Yes?“ She was at his hair again, before she took his face into her hands. „I’m so proud of you. I hope you know that. I haven’t said it often enough I think, and I’m sorry. But I am so very proud of you.” She nodded as if to support her message. “My brave boy.” He sensed a sudden warmth spreading out on his back and on his cheek. It flowed through his whole body, almost igniting him with fire.„Ma…“ He felt tears on his cheek, running to the corner of his mouth in speedlight. She gave him a kiss to the forhead and he almost lost the rest of his self-restraint. If it weren’t for her firm grip, he would have melted right on the spot, tumbling to the ground. „Let’s have dinner, yes? What do you say to pasta with pesto? There are enough ingredients to make it. We can always leave enough for Nico, if he decides to eat later.“ He hadn’t regained his composure yet, so he just nodded. When his mother stood up to leave for the kitchen, he tugged at her hands. „What is it? You don’t want to have pesto tonight?“ He smiled sheepishly. „You know I could eat that kind of pasta every night.“ „Well?“, she asked with a chuckle. He gave her hand a squeeze, something he had done quite a lot tonight, but this wasn’t one made of gratitude. He took a deep breath, and then, with as much wholeheartedness he was able to manage, he told her what he wished he had told her more frequently. “Ma, you’re the best mom one could hope for. I hope you know that. I love you, I really do. With all my heart.“ It’s funny, he thought, when he noticed the tears forming in her eyelids, he never felt more happy to have said those words. Never more grateful. For his mother’s eyes were shining with bliss. "Marti..."He stood up. „Okay, I think we cried enough for the day. And I’m really starving by the way. All this talk about my fave pasta?“ „Let’s make dinner, then", she nodded, still regaining her composure. „You know, we could also watch something together.“ „Sure, if you feel like it.“ „Okay, but not this weird show you’ve been telling me about. I don’t wanna watch that.“ „And what do you wish to watch?“ „I don’t know.“ „Well, let’s talk this over, then.“ They walked back into the kitchen and started preparing everything for his favourite pasta. He sensed her glancing at him from time to time and he almost called her out on it, when she invaded his space − yet again − to give him another kiss on the cheek, telling him how much she loved him back and that he meant the world to her. Not with despair like it happened so many weeks ago, but with serenity and sincerity. Had his relationship with his mother ever been this good? Maybe, when he was still a child, he didn’t remember anymore. He wished he had been a lot nicer to her on many occasions, but maybe they were meant to lose their connection for a while. Just so they could be there for each other at this given moment. He knew he’d never dare hurt her again as he used to. He’d never hurt anyone like that again. He vowed this silently to himself, when he pestled the basil in the mortar. ☆．。．:*･° His mom had dozed off here and there into the third episode of ‘Medici: Masters of Florence.’ There were some scenes he’d rather had not watched with his mother being in the room, but other than that he enjoyed the storyline of the show. The Medici’s ambitions were inspiring and a bit scary at the same time. The visuals were breathtaking and Cosimo de’ Medici reminded him a bit of Nico. They both were attracted to art. In this dream-like kind of way, almost dissolving, yet always hungry for more. On the one hand he wanted to continue watching the show, but his mother had to go to bed and he himself felt getting tired as well. It also had been a while since he’d checked up on Nico and he had a guilty conscience about it. So, he wished his mother a good night’s sleep and started tidying up the kitchen. Just as he had finished putting the dishes into the dishwasher, his phone buzzed. It was Giovanni. {-Hey bro, what’s up? We spontaneously went out to this bar we talked about earlier. Do you guys wanna come? Luchì is already drunk as fuck. He is making weird dancing moves.-} Enclosed was a picture of Luca with what appeared to be coasters on his head. His friend’s hair was sticking out in all directions. He suppressed a chuckle and started typing a reply. No, fuck it, he thought and dialed his best friend’s number. “Pronto?” “Hey, what did you do to Luchì?” “Nothing! I swear! He just gets drunk super fast, you know that.” He heard Elia in the background bellowing profanities. “Alright alright, I believe you.” “So? The bar isn’t far from your house. You could be here in twenty minutes.” A pause. “If you guys want. I mean, is Nico still at your place?” “Yeah. Yeah he is. He’s sleeping though.” “Ah okay. Everything alright?” “Not sure.” “What’s up?” “For now he’s just tired, I think.” “You need anything?” He was leaning against the counter and took some time to answer. Shit, he really had the greatest best friend in the world. “Yo, you’re still there?” “Yeah, yeah. Sorry. I’m not... I’m not sure what you could do? I’m gonna go to bed soon, you know.” “Okay, bro. I’m sorry.” “What? Don’t worry.” “No, yeah, I mean we haven’t been here long. It kind of escalated quickly. I wanted to call you earlier, but I didn’t want to interrupt you guys or anything.” “Interrupt us?”' “Yeah, I wasn’t sure what you guys were up to today, so.” He cleared his throat. “No, we were just- we weren’t really doing anything. Nico was drawing and I− wait, did you think you could interrupt us during sex?” He heard Giovanni making a weird voice, he wasn’t sure what exactly it was, but it sounded weird. “Like I’d be able to answer the phone then.” Giovanni snorted with laughter. “Sorry, bro. No. I mean yes, I’m not sure. I guess I just wanted to give you some space.” “Wait, why?” “I don’t know. I just− we’ve been doing a lot of stuff together. You know, with Nico, too. And I know you guys sometimes wanna hang out together just the two of you.” “Okay, but we already do that. I’m not sure I’m following you here.” “Listen, man−“ He heard Luca and Elia giggling in the background. “Wait a sec.” After a couple of seconds later, Giovanni was back at the other end of the phone, chuckling. He felt a weird knot in his stomach. They seemed to have fun. He spent many wicked nights just doing shit with the boys which he supposed they were doing now. It wasn’t as if he wanted to join them. Perhaps he did, but not like this. Not with Nico sleeping in his room or maybe not sleeping, he wasn’t sure. Perhaps he was twisting and turning under the blankets right now, hell, he didn’t know. If the day had been different, Nico would be standing with him in the kitchen, listening to the conversation and probably dragging him out to join the boys this instant. “Yo, bro, what is it with you and your pauses today?” “Sorry! I didn’t know you were back in the line.” Giovanni breathed into the ear cap audibly. “What’s up, Marti? I can hear you think.” “Oh God, you’re so annoying, you know that?”, he blurted out. “Come on, bro. Just tell me.” “It’s nothing. And by the way, you haven’t answered me yet.”Giovanni seemed to think about what he meant for a second, but he was quickly back on track. “Ah, about earlier. Well, I didn’t want to interrupt you guys, because I thought it was possible Nico would just sleep at yours. Like, I don’t know man, he looked fucking exhausted earlier.” “Yeah?” “Listen, it was obvious. And I know you noticed that. Of course, you did. And I respect that you don’t want to talk about his health with us. Or me.” “I’m not- I’m not excluding you, am I?” He touched his chin and rubbed over the skin a bit. “What? No, no, bro. Forget it.” “I’m not sure what’s happening right now anyway, but look, I’m sorry, if I am being weird about it.” “You’re not, relax. I mean it’s not that we don’t talk about it at all, you know? It’s all good. But just so you know, I know something’s up with you, too. And you can talk to me about it- if you want.” It was really obscure. He felt tears forming in his eyes for – he didn’t know for how many times – of the day. Giovanni continued talking. “You know, if you’re not sure what’s happening with Nico right now, why don’t you ask him? He won’t get weird about it. You talk about this stuff, right? Listen, he’s not gonna run away, because you’re not sure what’s up with him. Like this is so typical of you−“ “Fuck, you’re like my mom, I swear”, he interrupted his best friend. “I’m sorry, WHAT?” Giovanni failed to sound offended, he could clearly hear the amusement in his best friend’s voice. “Yeah. She told me something similar earlier. Like she thinks I’m handling it fine and all that, but I’m not sure.” “Well, she’s right. You know, you should listen to her all the time, dickhead.” “Fuck you.” “Right back at ya. So, maybe we can hang out tomorrow or on Sunday.” “Yeah, sure. What about FIFA? I think you need a nice lose.” “Hilarious. Listen, Elia started doing weird stuff now, too.” “Well, good to know a mom is with−“ “Fuck you! You better have called Nico’s mom, remember when−“ “I did that earlier, thank you very much.” His best friend chuckled at the other side of the line. “Okay. Later, bro.” “Giò?” “Yeah?” “Thanks, man.” “Welcome.” “Say hi to the guys.” “I will. Ciao, bro.” “Ciao.” As soon has they had ended the call, a sudden burst of fear hit him hard. It was something Giovanni had said and he lost track of his breathing just thinking about it. What the hell, Martino. Get it together. He managed to clean up the rest of the kitchen. He didn’t know how he did it, his mind kept going back to Giovanni’s words. Come on, you can do it. Face it. He went to brush his teeth in the bathroom and splashed water in his face. When he looked into the mirror, he didn’t like what he saw. He felt tired and that was exactly how he looked. Whatever he had to face, he couldn’t face it in this state. His phone buzzed on his way to his room and with a quick glance he saw that he had received a message from Filippo.j his can wait until morning, he thought, but ultimately decided against it. Filo had been a rock for him on many occasions. He was there for him when he was left all alone in Milan, and maybe it was his anxiety talking right then, but if it was an emergency, he’d never forgive himself. So, when he opened the message with a picture of a brown-haired man with the caption {-Whatcha think?-}, he breathed out a somewhat pathetic sound of relief. Goddamn, get it together. He replied with {-about to fall asleep. but he’d look good with you x-} and then muted his phone. Before he pressed down the doorknob, he breathed in and out a couple of times. His room was painted in low light since he didn’t turn off the lamp on his desk when he left earlier. Nico was lying on his belly with a pillow tucked underneath his torso. His dark curls were slightly illuminated and he took his time to look at him. His boyfriend had moved closer to the left side of the bed which he tended to do when he slept alone. His stomach made a flip. He felt a lot of things at the same time. Sadness, surely, because Nico wasn’t feeling so well. But most of all, he felt gratitude. Nico was here, lying in his bed. It was a miracle. Nico was his miracle. He continued standing in the exact same spot for a couple of minutes just looking at the beautiful sight in front of him. He was also waiting for the tears to stop. Quietly, he had started crying again. He wasn’t sure what it was that made him spill those many tears today, but they kept coming out of his eyelids with no restraint whatsoever. Maybe he stayed there for five minutes, maybe ten minutes passed until he moved to his closet to change into his pyjamas, he couldn’t tell. He thought about lying down in his nook beside the window, because he was afraid he’d wake up Nico when he’d join him under the blanket. It was just that he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. Which felt strange to say the least. Any other night, he would just lay down next to Nico no questions asked, but tonight it all felt so fragile. While he was grateful that Nico was here with him, he was also afraid. I don’t wanna lose him. His brain really went nuts today, he thought, as he tried shaking off any feeling of trepidation. With caution, he finally slipped under the blanket and waited to get warm. He arranged the pillow a bit and felt something poking his head. Nico’s sketchbook and his pencil. Right, he had put them there earlier. He fetched them and placed them on his bedside cabinet, with the pencil inside the book. It made the pages stick out a bit and he could catch a glance of what appeared to be a thread trailing through mountains? That’s what it looked like. He moved a bit closer to the bedside cabinet, when he heard Nico move. “Hey, whatcha doing? Stealing glances at forbidden goods?”, he teased groggily. “Hey, no. I−I was just putting your stuff away. It’s not very comfortable sleeping with them under my pillow, you know?” “You’re such a liar.” “You know nothing”, he answered and moved back to lay on his side, looking at his boyfriend. “Hey.” He touched his cheek cautiously and rubbed his thumb over the skin a bit. “Hey.” Nico put the pillow under his head, smiling sleepily, before he took his hand and enveloped it in his own. “How are you feeling?” “Exhausted.” “What can I do?”Nico kissed his hand which took him somewhat by surprise. He wasn’t sure why. “You’re already doing enough.” “Yeah?” “You’re like a fresh ocean’s breeze on a hot summer’s day.” He chuckled at his words. “How’s that?” “Well, you know that feeling, when it gets so hot during the summer you struggle breathing? And you’re looking for something to cool down? You’re at the beach or making a stop at a bar trying to escape from the dry air on the streets. And when a breeze brushes your face, it’s the best feeling in the world. It makes you feel alive again.” Nico pressed a kiss into the palm of his hand. His lips stayed there for a while, until he spoke again. “And you’re that breeze that never fades away that day entirely. Or on any day. You always come back.” Nico’s words left him stunned. He wasn’t as eloquent as him, so he did the only thing he could think of in that moment. With as much gentleness as he could muster, he rolled on top of Nico and took his head into his hands, balancing his weight with his elbows. He started with a kiss on his forehead. The soft skin under his eyes were next. “You know, I’d never leave in the first place.” He then kissed his nose, his upper lip, his cheeks, and finally, a kiss fully on the lips, hoping Nico could feel the promise he'd just given him. “If you don’t want me to leave, I won’t.” He smiled timidly at his boyfriend and then he positioned himself back on his side. Nico grabbed at his hand. “If I don’t want you to?” “Yeah.” “Marti, why should I want that? Why should I want you to leave?” He saw confusion in Nico’s eyes and he could have kicked himself. “Yeah, I mean…” He cleared his throat. “I don’t know. I- sometimes I’m afraid I’m doing something wrong... or you know, choose the wrong words. Maybe I’m too cheerful when you’re feeling down, maybe that will annoy you sooner or later, maybe I’m not thoughtful−“ “I can’t believe you’d say something like that. You absolute idiot.” He stayed silent and just looked at Nico who wore an incredulous look on his face. “Have I given you the impression that I don’t appreciate what you do? For me? I’m so incredibly thankful for everything; you have to know that, Marti. I know I’m impossible to handle at times, but I swear, I’d never want to make you uncomfortable. I swear…there’s no way I’d want you to leave. I swear…” He listened to Nico’s accelerated breathing and felt like the dumbest idiot. “I’m sorry.” He closed his eyes for a moment. “You did nothing wrong. It’s me. It’s my brain that thinks I’m not being good enough. I’m sorry.” He choked back tears. Nico mirrored his position without letting go of their entwined hands. “Marti…” “I’m sorry I put this weight on you, Ni. It wasn’t my intention. I just, sometimes I feel a little helpless. I haven’t handled my mother’s depression very well. I’ve been mean to her. I can’t be mean to you. I don’t ever wanna be mean to anybody again.” Nico moved closer to him until he could lay his head on top of his upper body. “You’re not, I promise.” He took a deep breath. “Hey, would you do me a favour?” A nod. “If I ever say something weird or inappropriate about your mental health and I’m too dumb to notice, will you tell me?” Nico puffed out a bit of air. “Okay. But there won’t be need to.” “Well, I've done it in the past. So, you never know, right.” "Marti, amore..." "I still need to learn a few things, I know that." He felt feather-light caresses roaming over his chest. He took a moment to breathe it all in, and then his hand wandered to the back of Nico’s head and he started messaging his skin there. “That’s nice. You’re nice,” Nico mumbled after a while. “Well, I hope so. You’re not too bad either, you know.” He traced the shape of a heart, but the hair made it difficult. “Good to know.” His boyfriend emerged from his position somewhere between his upper body and upper arm. It was a good thing he hadn’t turned off the light, for Nico was full on grinning one of his extra bright smiles he seemed to reserve for him only. “I’m very much in love with you.” He felt the corner of his mouth skyrocket. “Ni, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me.” He moved down to him so he could capture his lips with his own. Nico’s arm wandered to his shoulder where he tugged at his shirt. Soon, his boyfriend caressed his neck with his thumb and he sensed this incredible sensation there that also made his toes curl.Nico's thumb wandered to his jawline, when he suddenly stopped. “Marti, you’re crying.” “I am?” They looked at each other and Nico started tracing his tears with a worried expression. “Ni.” “Marti, don’t cry.” “Ni, look at me.” He complied with his request, yet still carrying worry in his eyes. “Those are tears of joy, Ni.” There was something ghost-like in Nico’s expression, when he looked into his eyes, but they softened rather quickly.“Yeah?” “Yeah.” “Tears of joy?” “Tears of joy”, he chuckled. “Okay, that’s good, right?” A hesitant smile. “I suppose it is.” “Those are tears” – he traced the path of them on his cheek – “tears of joy, because you’re so godamn lucky you’re with me?” It wasn’t really a question, more like a challenge. Nico looked smug. He smiled benignly. “Yeah, just like I said, dumbass.” And Nico’s body trembled of laughter. Softly, because it was a long day and he still looked very exhausted, but when his laughter emerged from deep inside of his belly, well, it was his favourite sound and he’d do anything to hear it. See it. Feel it. He tugged at Nico’s arm. “Come on, let’s sleep.” “You’re bossy today.” “Oh? But it’s part of my job, remember?” He felt Nico wrap himself up on his upper body again. “I don’t want you to think of this as a job, you know.” “I don’t see it like that. I’d never treat you like that. You know that, right? This is just my dumb humour.” “Ah, here we are. You finally admit you’ve got a weird sense of humour.” “Ha. Just go to sleep will you.” “You’re really something, huh?” Nico’s words became slurred again. He hugged him tight to his chest feeling his own exhaustion wash over him. “We’ll talk tomorrow if you want. Maybe I have a question or two for you.” “Sure. But don’t cry again, okay?” “I’ll try.” “Only tears of joy, Marti.” “Okay, Ni.” “Goodnight." “Goodnight." He gave him a kiss on top of his head. "Sleep well.” He sensed a kiss grazing his neck and a sigh escaped his lips. It was fascinating how fast Nico fell asleep on his chest. It didn’t take long and he was listening to his steady breathing. While he was tired out himself, he didn’t fell asleep right away. No, he concentrated on Nico’s breathing instead which made the rest of his uneasiness disappear bit by bit. He drew circles on his back occasionally thinking how lucky he was that he could be here with him. Tomorrow, they could talk more seriously, if Nico was up for it. Perhaps he’d been a bit overprotective. But he didn’t want to think about that anymore. There was no rush. The boy he fell in love with last autumn was lying in his arms and all was good in the world again. He turned his head so he could lay it down on Nico’s, and right before he drifted off, he sensed wetness emerging from his eyes. But he smiled. He smiled, because those weren’t tears of sadness. Not at all, no. ☆．。．:*･° fin ☆．。．:*･°