#hey guys. cole here. want me to break your fucking heart

[coldslaws]

nat's text in black, bn's in white

slip of the tongue

part 2: here

[ivebeencursedbygays]

Kai: But when all hope seemed lost, I had an epiphany! 

Kai, earlier: I'm going to throw myself into the sea.

Zane: Kai, you can do anything! 

Kai: Anything? 

Zane: Anything! 

Kai, holding a torch: ANYTHING?!?! 

Zane: Wait, not that!

Cole: Guess who just found out the difference between wax paper and parchment paper the hard way? 

Nya: Wait, what’s the difference? 

Cole: One you can use in the oven safely, and the other you can also use in the oven... if the thing you are trying to make happens to be fire.

Kai: Time sensitive question how flirt boy. 

Pixal: Throw rocks at he. 

Cole: Hot Dogs. 

Morro: Kill him. 

Kai: Thanks guys.

Nya: Clownery. Tomfoolery. Absolute fuckery, I am going to revoke your life privileges.

Pixal: You use emojis like a straight person. 

Kai: That’s literally the worst thing anyone has ever said about me.

Kai: Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers? 

Jay: Peonies, why? 

Kai: 

Jay: Were you going to get me flowers? 

Kai: 

Jay: 

Kai: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ

Jay: Wow, that was quick thinking on that phony sacrifice stuff. 

Nya: Oh, that was all real. 

Jay: Wait, you were trying to help them kill us?! 

Nya: If I’m gonna be sacrificed, I’m gonna do it right.

*The gang is about to do something dangerous* 

Cole: Shouldn’t someone give a pep talk? 

Kai: Go ahead. 

Cole: Be careful. 

Cole: Don’t die. 

Pixal: *Holds back a laugh* 

Kai: Great. We’re all bloody inspired.

Jay: FIGHT ME, YOU NERD ASS SLUT! 

Cole: At least try to sound slightly more sophisticated when you threaten someone. 

Jay: Oh, I'm sorry. I should ask; dost thou want to engage in a duel, my good bitch? 

Cole: Somehow that's worse.

Kai: I can’t believe my birth certificate says F... 

Kai: ...How did I fail being born?

Cole: Look at me straight in the eyes and tell me the truth, Zane! 

Zane: You can’t expect me to look into your eyes and be straight.

Pixal: You were wise to seek help from the world's most deadly weapon. 

Pixal: It's me.

Cole, in a room with Jay, Kai, and Nya: It’s calm in here. 

Cole: It scares me…

Nya: Fight me! 

Kai, standing behind them and holding a knife: *mouths* Do not.

Zane: Nya got into a fight. 

Kai: That’s bad. 

Kai: 

Kai: Did she win?

Cole: Jay, I don’t think I can handle any more of your tomfuckery. 

Jay: Oh yeah? Well I can keep going until you’re all tomfuckered out!

Kai: Is that a gun?! 

Jay: It's not what it looks like! 

Kai: It looks like a gun! 

Jay: Okay, maybe it is what it looks like, but in my defense, it doesn't have anymore bullets, so I technically can't shoot it anymore. 

Kai: ...ANYMORE?!

Kai, to the Squad: I’d die for you. 

Jay: Then perish. 

Pixal: You will. 

Nya: Please don’t. 

Cole: Cool. 

Zane: I’d die for you first.

Nya: If you got arrested what would be the charges? 

Jay: Theft. 

Zane: Disturbing the peace. 

Cole: Aggravated assault. 

Kai: Arson. 

Pixal: All of the above. In that order, probably.

Nya: You know what I asked Santa for Christmas this year? 

Jay: If you say me, I swear I’ll— 

Nya: You? What? No, I asked him for that cool Ninjago Lego set we saw in Target!

Cole, texting Zane: Zane there’s a moth on the outside of the bathroom door can you get rid of it? 

Cole: Pls hurry because I’m going to cry 

Cole: Zane 

Cole: Zane 

Zane: Zane is dead. You’re next. Love, Moth.

Pixal: A sprite is anything not static. 

Jay: A sprite is a variable object, be it 2d or 3d. 

Cole: A sprite is a fucking soda. 

Cole: You god damn geekass bastards.

Kai: *sighs* I have no friends... 

Jay: 

Jay: *coughs* Bitch, what am I? A roach?!

Zane: *tapping fingers on table* 

Cole: *taps fingers back furiously* 

Jay: …What’s going on? 

Pixal: Morse code. They’re talking. 

Zane: -.-- ..- .-. / - …. . / -.-. ..- - . … - 

Cole: *slams hands on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Jay: *finds half a watermelon at Whole Foods* 

Jay, holding it up for everyone to see: LIES!

Kai: Don't break someone's heart, they only have one. 

Nya: Break one of their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

Kai, singing: I don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need— 

Zane: A family. 

Cole: A better love life. 

Nya: Mental stability. 

Pixal: *clueless* Bagels?

Zane: Don't joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me.

Jay: I'm sorry. Please talk to me. 

Kai: 

Jay: Hello? World's most amazing person?? Sweet pea? Precious cinnamon roll that's too good for this world, too pure? 

Kai: 'Sorry' doesn't bring back my fucking M&Ms.

Nya: You think that’s cringe? Moms around the world wait 9 months just to end up naming their kid Jay. 

Jay: Hey, fuck you.

Jay: Of course I have a lot of pent-up rage, you fool! I've been the same height since I was twelve!

Pixal: Why is Kai crying? 

Zane: They saw a leaf on the sidewalk and- 

Kai: IT LOOKED SO CRUNCHY! 

Pixal: Please don’t say what I think you’re gonna say- 

Kai: AND WHEN I STEPPED ON IT THERE WAS NO CRUNCH! 

Pixal: NO, NOT THAT!

Zane: Hey, what have you two been up to? 

Nya: We were helping Kai write his vows, but he kicked us out because Cole was making inappropriate suggestions. 

Cole: How is “Jay, I love your sweet ass” inappropriate?

[wcrldcfvtlvs]

Life and Blog Updates

Hey guys, just wanted to fill you in on what's been going on with me and tell you guys updates for my blog and characters. I'll talk about the blog/characters first and then move onto my life which is going to be under read more so if you don't wanna read it you don't have to but I like to give context so you guys can understand why activity is so minimal over here.

The Blog/Characters:

I'm changing how I write Rosalie when she's older. She's going to still be nice and approachable on the platonic side of things; however, in terms of romance, she's going to be heavily guarded and very cautious with who she gives her heart to. Meaning: plotting romantic connections is a must.

I recently just changed her lore with my NPC Nathaniel Lee where she was basically used for s*x and was only viewed as an excellent intimate partner. This affected her mentally heavily and caused her to run away from her home to really change and reflect on how she is as a person. Having questions like: Why am I not good enough, Why can't I find a partner will love me for me and not just my body. And that's just putting it simply. I'd really like to explore this side of her, in both platonic and romantic ways. Someone who can help her gain a backbone, some self confidence and even a form of independence.

As for other characters, they'll be the same, but I really wanted to push out information for Rosalie because she's my first OC that I really developed and put all my heart and soul into and I wanted her to be appreciated as such.

My Personal Life:

The emotional fucking roller coaster I have been on this fucking month is unbelievable and I will tell you right now, IF I GO THROUGH ANYMORE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, I'M GOING TO BECOME A VILLIAN AND MAKE IT EVERYONE'S PROBLEM. HELL WILL RISE, THE SKYS WILL RAIN BLOOD AND THE SEAS WILL OVER TAKE THE LAND. I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS.

Anywaaayy, now that's over. Let's get into what the FUCK I've been dealing with, grab your popcorn, drinks, snacks and silence your cell phones because MAN OH MAN, DO I HAVE LORE.

I recently had to have a very heavy conversation with one of my irl best friends. He hurt me more than any person has. I had to address some things and explain boundaries. I'm waiting for him to talk to me about it. It's been radio silent from him, and I'm very worried that I might lose a friend I've had for over 7+ years, coming up on 10 years. This friend has seen me at my best, lowest, and everything. I want to fix things between us and grow as adults. BUT I CAN'T DO THAT IF HE WON'T TALK TO ME!!! I'm a Taurus; I'm impatient as fuck. I can wait for him, but at the same time, MOTHERFUCKER TALK TO ME.

Moving on.

My boyfriend and I have decided to have a long-distance relationship. Now for those who know me on a personal level, they know the lore about my ex Angel and I. For those who are new? Lemme break it down for ya. I had a relationship with a guy in the Army who won me over, knew everything that happened to me in past relationships and the bitch still decided to break me to the point of me wanting to go back to the lobby.

With my current boyfriend, he has given me so much respect, loyalty, and love that I wanted for years. However, he's joining the US Navy. I'm so proud of him for doing that, bettering his life, and becoming a better man and person. But the same time I'm anxious as fuck because I did long distance with Angel and he did not respect me at all. He ( Angel ), serial cheated on me, manipulated me, gaslit me and was very abusive.

Now, I didn't know Angel before the Army but I know my boyfriend before the Navy and I know people change. Hell I'm a living example of it. My best friends know it, my parents know it, and my extended family knows it. I don't fuck around when it comes to my feelings. To quote Sir J. Cole the third:

" Fool me one time shame on you, Fool me twice, can't put the blame on you Fool me three times, fuck the peace signs, Load the chopper, let it rain on you "

I swear to god y'all. I'm putting a lot of trust into this man. I love him so much, I respect him, BUT ON ME?????? I CAN NOT TAKE ANOTHER HEARTBREAK BEFORE I LITERALLY GET VIOLENT. ( disclaimer: I will not get violent, I will just be utterly destroyed and I'll probably become an old lady who lives with a bunch of dogs and reads romance novels to fill a void ).

Anyway, we had a very long conversation, and I decided to commit to a very long distance relationship and have the end goal be that we get married. I'm not actually worried about him, I'm more worried about people who won't respect our relationship and will try to come between us. I trust him, I don't trust other women and men who are in the military. I've lived that life, I know how disrespectfully can be. Hell my own mentor walked a very dangerous line when we were stationed in Korea and now he's no longer married. His wife doesn't live with him, they don't talk and it was all because of his actions in another continent/country. SO yeah, I'M VERY WORRIED.

But yeah, that's where my mind has been, that's what has been going on. And it felt only right to share because I like to give context and assurance that I'm not in the void and going ghost. On the upside :') I'm starting school next week, so activity will be slower because I really wanna focus on classes and raise up my GPA so I can take remote classes and hopefully start working again so I won't be broke city.

[new-berry]

Hey anon who wondered how Levi would reward Cole for those hat tricks?

This is a quickie short, NSFW not true, and there are in fact no spelling mistakes.

It wasn’t even a long road trip, overnight away for the 12.30 kickoff. It’s just… his parents had been staying with him and he’s not sure of the soundproofing at his new place. He had a plan to play music in there when they were gone, to try and work out if anything could be heard.

Even having a long shower felt incriminating. He was planning on a quick wank at the hotel only to find they were sharing rooms.

Only to find they were sharing rooms by Levi walking in. Useful thing to know, that you couldn't die of embarrassment. Cole wasn’t sure how he was ever going to pass a ball to him in the future though, if he couldn’t look him in the face.

“You want a hand?” Levi grinned. He walked into the bathroom but left the door open and kept his eyes on Cole giving him no chance to scramble for clothes or under blankets.

“You what?” Cole’s voice nearly breaks the way it hasn’t for years.

Levi nods down to the pillow over his lap and his bare legs. “You never got a reward for those hat tricks.”

Cole’s worldview tilts. “Not a thing at City?” He offers when Levi says “no pressure man.”

“You ever get a hat trick at City?” Levi asks.

“No.”’Cole says shortly.

“Kevin’s got big hands, bet he’d be good at a hand-job.” There’s an echo of something in Levi’s tone that Cole can’t quite pick up. Heart rate still elevated from being walked in on, and yeah, jerking off.

“Ahhhhhh… sort of never… Looked?”

“Not even in juniors?”

“Did you?” Cole’s mind spins Levi smirks. “Not gonna kiss and tell,”

There’s a question in his smile “No? I have no idea. Do they here?”

Levi grins. “Maybe it’s just me. No pressure. You don’t have to reciprocate. It’s was a good hat trick. Half an hour.”

“Twenty nine minutes.” Cole reminds him. Levi’s slips into the room, drying his hands and throwing the towel away over his shoulder. He flips off the overhead light so it’s just what’s coming from the lamp by the door and Cole’s laptop screen. The colours are flashing but the high pitched moans of the girl being fucked are coming through his EarPods.

“Chill out man,” Levi ‘s voice is low and intimate near his ear. “You can watch the movie, close your eyes. I’ve got you.”

Cole closes his eyes, it settles his nerves but also let some anticipation grow, a soft burn of uncertainty twisted around desire in his stomach.

Levi’s hands are warm, the smell of hotel room soap wafts up to Cole’s nose. Levi’s hand rested against his stomach for a moment. His fingers flexed in, his thumb sweeping down over Cole’s belly button and then down shoving gently at the pillow over his cock

Levi says “we need to move this.” Cole nods, he stretches out as Levi’s hands run over the base of his cock, fingers spread over him. He stretches legs out and jostles the Ipad propped against the end of the bed.

“You want the sound on?” Cole’s eyes open. Levi’s kneeing in the bed on band braced behind Cole the other one nearly holding his cock. “You want to put the headphones on?” Levi’s voice is steady but Cole gets the feeling saying yes could be disappointing. And would make him kind of an asshole.

“Nah.” Levi grins at that. “Good man.” He pulls the pillow out the way and wraps his hand around the base of Cole’s cock, his grip is warm and almost too hard.

Cole sighs at the first slow stroke. Levi runs his thumb then his palm over the top of his cock. Cole’s come smeared over his hand.

His stroking is sure and Cole gives up sighing for a long moan. “Fuck why are you so good at that?” Levi’s leaning close, it turns him on more.

Levi slides his fist up and down, turning his hand over the head of Cole’s cock. The movies still playing, a skinny pretty blond girl with two guys fucking her.

“Haven’t even shown you my tricks.” Levi tells him. “I’m not even breaking a sweat here.”

Cole turns slightly to Levi, he’s close breath brushing his cheek. Over the side of his face. It pops into Cole’s head, he could lean in a tiny bit and they could kiss. He feels his dick twitch in Levi’s hand.

He reminds himself that Levi can’t read his mind, and it could just be the flat of his thumb running over the slit in his cock.

“Good trick,” Cole pants out. Nearly a week without a wank is making him sensitive to everything, tells himself it’s not having Levi’s eyes and hands on him.

“Hey,” Levi asks it like he’s suggesting lunch after training, “you never play around a bit?” Cole’s trying to work out exactly what that means until Levi reaches further down and drags the points of his fingers over Cole’s balls. The pressure is perfect, doesn’t tickle, and then he moves back up.

“Hey close.” Cole gets out. Levi tightens his hand, as Cole scrabbles his fingers across the bed, then over his thigh, if he was by himself he’d probably play with his balls, slide his fingers against his taint. Not sure what to do with Levi here but it sort of doesn’t matter. Because he is really good at this, either experienced or naturally gifted like Cole thinks he is with every thing else.

His eyes open and not to the girl on the screen to Levi’s hands, with smooths nails reflects on the screen, Levi’s fucking handsome, ‘naturally gifted’ Cole wildly thinks. Levi’s watching his hand as well, then his eyes flick up until they meet in the reflection of the screen.

It’s that, as much Levi’s fist, tighter yanking his orgasm from close to out of his body. A spurt over Cole’s stomach and pouring out over Levi’s fist, streaking his skin white then wet. Cole trembles as it pulses out of him, Levi keeping the same hard smooth glide until nothing else comes kit and Cole whines high and loud over the nosie from his I pad.

Cole yawns instantly and looks horrified at Levi who just grins. “Go to sleep man. Early game tomorrow.”

Levi pats his clean hand on Cole’s shoulder. He ambles off to wash his hands and firmly shuts the door and it’s on the tip of Cole’s tongue watching him to offer to return the favour.

The shower turns on and Cole wonders.

He slips off to sleep, the memory of Levi’s warm hand across his stomach. His breath ticking his ear

[codenamehazard]

.:Jabberwocky:.

Chapter 32: Jabberwocky

[TRIGGER WARNING: PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE, TORTURE AND TRAUMA]

Hey guys! Sorry I'm a bit late with this chapter! The character voice was giving me serious hell! (Writer's Block, my behated)

Though it's not surprising considering all that I have in store here! Good god, I had to fight to get the words on the document but boy howdy is it worth it!

I hope you've got some water as this is gonna be a doozy. I hope you like this chapter!

Without delay, let's jump in!

---

“No…”

My blood freezes in my veins and my heart races as I stare with wide eyes at the mirror behind me. I’m looking at it, I’m seeing it, but I don’t want to believe it. I refuse to believe it. I refuse to believe that the bastard is here in this hell-maze with me, that he’s here at all. I can deny it all I want, but the mocking smile in the mirror. I know what’s in front of me, replacing my reflection and confirming a fear that I always dread…

Kessler.

“Look what the rabbit dragged in.” The decrypted echo sneers as he begins to circle me in the mirrors that surround me, stepping in front of the other reflections as if they were spectators about to watch a fight. “The coward who denies the truth, even though it’s staring him right in the face.”

“So says the murderer that took everything from me just because he was too much of a fucking coward to face the Beast himself until it was too fucking late.” I snarl back at the twisted reflection, trying to use my rage and hatred to thaw the frozen blood and shake the fear away. “You took away everything I held dear, that we held dear; You killed Trish, you made Zeke betray me! You made my life fall to shambles and even fucking lied about what the Beast was actually doing, all for what?! All because you were too chickenshit to actually protect your family and fight the Beast.” The bastard fucking laughs at me like I was just a yapping ankle biter.

“Oh that is rich coming from you, Cole.” That fucking crone cackles with that sneer. “The one who kills for shits and giggles calling me a murderer. All the pain I caused was done for a purpose while you inflict pain because you are broken inside.” I can feel my blood seeth as he talks, energy gathering in my hand as I keep my eyes on Kessler. “Face the facts, Cole. I would say you’re no better than me, but I dare say you’re worse. All that I did was for a reason while you lash out like a pitiful, sniveling rabid dog who bites and scratches at all who get too close.” I could swear I can feel his stinking breath on my neck as he stops behind me.

“Try as you might, MacGrath… You will always end up alone and you will have no-one to blame but yourself. Because it will always be your fault.”

My rage flares red hot and an Alpha rocket rips from my hand towards the old fuck, but I damn near get blown to bits. In my fury I had forgotten the nature of the very place I’m in. The rocket just bounces off the mirror and I barely have enough time to get out of the way of a direct hit. I curse to myself as I feel the pain from the blast radius, why the fuck did I even think that was a good idea in the first place?! Kesslar cackles at me as I stagger to my feet.

“Still as predictable as ever, Cole!” The crone scoffs as he seems to grow bigger, like a looming shadow. “Lashing out when you know I’m right.” As much as my anger bubbles under my skin, the fear, it creeps back in. Feeling so small, being so helpless. There’s only one thing I can do. I turn and run down the closest hallway to get away from this specter and start looking for a way out.

I can hear the bastard laugh at me over the thumping of my boots and the rapid beating of my heart. Mocking and sadistic.

“There you go! Running away again like the cowering mutt you are! Running from the truth and running from responsibility when it comes to take its due! Breaking the promise you made to yourself so long ago!” I curl my lips at the barbing words, but I have to keep running. I can’t fight, not without obliterating myself in the process! “Maybe it’s for the best that Trish is dead. She isn’t here to see the whimpering coward the man she once loved has become!”

My rage claws inside my chest as I want to scream.

The mirrored halls, I swear they’re messing with my head. I think I could see things changing, I look at one shifting reflection, watching it change into a sight disturbing and familiar. It was myself from years long past, but something’s not right. It’s faded, black and white. Almost like I'm staring at a fading memory, but the eyes I can see, clear as day. They look tired, but also full of pure hatred.

Another reflection, this one more vivid and crisp, one I’m more familiar with. The reflection that greeted me every time I looked into glass windows or puddles back in Empire City. God, I looked like I was walking dead with how pale my skin was, and the black marks that decorated my body didn’t help either. I liked it that way, people left me alone, but now being on the receiving end of that malicious gaze and cruel smile? I’m having second thoughts.

“You!” I hear a new voice ring out as I run. It’s not Kessler’s but mine! It sounded clearer, less gravelly and tired. Oh please don’t tell me the other reflections can talk too!  “I see you, running away, running from the truth! The truth that you’re just as responsible for the destruction of my life! Actually, more responsible!!” I growl at that lie. I didn’t do jackshit to destroy the life I once had, if anything, I was trying to get it back! The blame is Kessler’s and his alone.

“I can hear your thoughts, Cole!” The faded echo barks out with loathing and hate. “You weren’t trying to get life back on track, you were just acting on your own selfish impulses! If you had just sucked it up and been a half-way decent person, Trish would have loved you in her dying moments! But no, your own ego was more important than the woman you claimed to love so much!” I do my best to tune out the venom, but the words cut like knives as I feel a familiar pricking against my eyes. No! I can’t cry, not now! Not when Kessler’s chasing me.

As one voice is tuned out, another erupts in cruel, callous laughter… This voice, it sounds more like how my voice actually is.

“Oh how the mighty has fucking fallen, o’ so called “Demon of Empire City!”” I hear the doppelganger’s voice call out. “Once on top of the world sitting on a throne of scrap, now you’re nothing more than a sniveling weakling running around helpless.” Rage flares in my blood, but I have to keep moving. I can’t fight here, I have to get out! Get away!

“You sicken me. You know that, Cole?” The echo sneers. “You’re a failure. You failed to protect Empire City from the Beast, you were too weak. Running with your tail between your legs to New Marias. Then you bow the knee to the Beast himself just because of some pathetic notion of “the right thing” or some shit like that. Now look at you, you have the power of the Beast yet you’re running scared when you could simply blow this whole place to cinders.” I want to scream at the voice, tell him to shut up, blow up the mirror that the doppelganger hides in, but I know I have to keep going. Doesn’t make the words any less infuriating and painful.

“Why don't you unleash all that power, Cole?” The taunting continues. “Are you too scared? Are you not as powerful as you claim to be or…. Perhaps… Are you getting soft, you pathetic failure?” Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!!!

I pick up the pace, my hands covering my ears to drown out the cruel words and venomous barbs as they start to swirl around in my head. Now I am being hunted by three, making my heart frantic. The fear and pain, it was like I was losing Trish with the magnitude of it all. I want to get out of this hell, even if it means disappearing! I just want it to stop!

I think I see something, but I refuse to look at the reflections. I think I hear something, but I refuse to uncover my ears. Enemies everywhere even though they wear my face. All thirsting for my blood and tears. Such things I refuse to give despite the stringing at my eyes. Soon my own voice joins the hellish cacophony, screaming at these demons as that is all I can do.

The more I yell, the more I run around practically blind and deaf, the more confused I get. At this point I’m not sure where I’m running. I can faintly hear laughter every time I clip myself on a corner, ram into a wall or run in circles. I’m lost, so hopelessly lost in my desperation for freedom. My voice is going hoarse from shouting and screaming. The idea of just going fucking nuclear and unleashing hell in the form of the Beast’s Rage is becoming more and more appealing, but with the nature of this hell, that would surely kill me in the process.

I stop at a dead end and fall to my knees, my eyes welling with tears that spill over as I rage inside this mirror nightmare. I just want it all to stop. I want this to be a night terror that I’ll wake up from but I know this is reality. My arms growing tired from holding my hands over my ears, they go slack. I am now exposed to the full brunt of the devils’ venom….

Wait… Who said that?

A voice I didn’t hear before screams with a similar force that I did, but the words they speak aren't venom and hate, but…. Instructions? Directions? I can’t tell at this moment, but it’s something that isn’t loathing and malice. At first I don’t believe these words, thinking them to be a trick or a trap, but with the hateful sounds closing in and with no other option… I follow the directions.

It’s then I see who the voice belongs to. Another faded and blurry reflection, but this one looks unfamiliar. It’s still me, but he shares my tanned skin, his scars barely visible, his shirt grey and white, Amp shining like silver and the sparks off of his hands a brilliant blue… This is what Kessler wanted me to be… A hero.

The blue sparked reflection continues to point and shout directions, seeming to be trying to help me, but why?! I make it no secret, I am not a good person. If this is the hero Kessler wanted, he should be hurling abuses at me just like the others. I’d even go as far as to say he’s the one with the most right to hate me as I am the reason he doesn’t exist. Yet here he is, trying to help me.

I open my mouth to question, but my blue twin snaps. “Not the time, Cole! They ain’t gonna stop for you to ask questions.” I get the message loud and clear and keep running.

I follow the instructions, focusing on that as it’s better than the miasma that I’m being subjected to. I have so many questions to ask, what is happening? Why is it happening? Why are you helping me? Just anything to make sense out of this fucking madhouse, but I keep moving, hoping that I’m not falling into another trap.

My heart sinks as I see that I’m at a dead end and I’m about to bolt, but I notice something… At the end of this hallway is another mirror, but with a very different reflection.

I cautiously walk towards it and squint my eyes, it looks… Fuzzy, almost like a photo that hasn’t been developed. On closer inspection, I can see some things that make it look more like a reflection of my current self, black pants with kneepads, my vest. Visible, yet blurry… The only thing I can see clearly are the eyes of this copy. They’re closed, as if sleeping. What could this mean?

As I look over this mirror, I notice something else. The cruelty of the three devils hunting me, it’s gone. This area is quiet, still and peaceful. Here with my heroic twin, but why is this so? At this point, I care little for the question as I slam my back onto a reflective wall and slide down into a sitting position, hands holding my head as my chest shudders and heave with tears I’m fighting back.

“Not giving up on me are you, Cole?” My blue reflection asks. I sniff a bit as I struggle and shake my head. “Nah…” I reply in a voice that’s more strained than I’d like. “I just….. Need a breather.” The white clad hero nods his head and simply sits in a way that mirrors mine, back to back. “Take your time, Cole. Catch your breath.”

This peace is strange, but compared to the hell I was subjected to? It’s a soothing balm on my mutilated soul and I let some of the tears flow freely. A small relief to keep the dam intact, for now at least.

When the peace has passed, the heroic MacGrath pipes up. “I know you have a lot of questions, but since it’s just us, best get them out of your system.” I turn my head and I can see the blurred reflection turn in kind. I start off with a simple “Why?”

“Why what?” My blue twin asks. “Just… Why? Why is this happening? Why am I being tortured? Why are you helping me?” I ask back in kind. The hero frowns and shakes his head. “As much as I want to answer the first two, all I can say is your guess is as good as mine as I have no clue either… But I can answer the last question. I’m helping you because I can’t stand this suffering.”

“But why?” I continue to question. “You out of all the reflections have the most reason to hate me. I’m everything you would stand opposed to, hell I’m the reason you don’t exist. Why help me when you could come after me as some sort of punishment?”

“And subject you to this hell?” He balks “I wouldn’t even wish this on Kessler, let alone myself. Good or evil.” His eyes stare off into whatever silvery void the mirrored world has. “Besides… I got to see where my path leads to. Got to see that even though I did everything right, it meant jackshit in the end.” He turns to glance at me again. “That all I did was pointless. Utterly pointless”

I’m about to ask him to elaborate, but he shakes his head. Something must have gone completely fubar if he doesn’t want to talk about it even if it’s to bitch and vent.

“So…. Where’s the exit out of this hellhole?” I ask, the heroic twin turns his head and points to the mirror at the end of the hallway. I turn to look at him like he’s crazy. “Um, that’s a wall.”

“It’s the way out.” He simply responds. “It’s the only way out. The reason there’s a wall is because you believe there’s a wall.” I shake my head at this crazy talk. “How do you know if that’s a wall or not?” I question the reflection. He looks at me. “You’re going to have to trust me and by extension, trust yourself.”

“I don’t do trust fall-type bullshit.” I point out bluntly. “You should know this as much as I do.”

“Why would I lie to the only one of any of us in this damn mirror hell that has a future at all?” My blue twin points out harshly. “It’s a cold hard fact, Cole. Out of all of us here, you’re the only one who has a chance at living.” I stand and he stands in kind; both of us staring at each-other, man-to-man.

“While you are right, you are everything that I stand against. You’re selfish, egotistical, ruthless, sadistic, irresponsible, downright dangerous and destructive to the point of senselssness, but you’re also fucking honest about it.” He points out. “Then there’s also the fact when it came time to choose between a gamble that if it fell short would leave everyone to suffer slow and agonizing deaths or go with John and the method that was proven to give humanity even the slightest sliver of a chance to come out the other side. You chose what you felt was right. It may not be what Kessler wanted and there may have been selfish motivations behind it, but you still made that choice.” I look at my twin puzzled, but he’s right… Right about everything, good and bad.

“This is your ticket not only to escape this hell, but to escape Kessler for good.” He continues. “That bastard already took two futures away from you, your future with Trish and my future. Don’t let him take this one away from you too.” His words ring out in my head like a gunshot as I look towards the blurry mirror. “I know it’s a leap of faith, but please take it! Take it and get the hell out of here! Live the best life you can… For the both of us… Please…” The last words fall like a pleading whisper. Looking into the same blue eyes we share, I can see it. The same eyes I have, the eyes of a broken man.

I stare at my good twin for a moment longer before I nod my head.

With that, I turn to face the blurred reflection. I step back a few paces and charge up a polarity wall to act as a battering ram, hoping that this won’t backfire. Unleashing all of my emotions in one, booming battle cry, I charge.

I swear I can hear the ghost of a whisper in my mind. A soft “thank you” as I make contact only to fall through thin air.

I roll through the tumble and onto my feet before looking around, panting hard. He was right… It wasn’t a wall, it was an illusion… Was that whole maze and the horrors within an illusion too??

Once I’m not disoriented as shit, I start to look around this new place. I see bleachers, a trapeze and a barrier… Am I in the center stage of this fucking circus? Before I can start to explore, I hear a familiar female voice ring out with an Irish accent.

“It’s about bloody time you showed up!!”

[suchalonelysunflower]

Take Your Feelings, Put Them Into a Song (A.I)

Pairing: Ashton Irwin x Wallows! Fem! Reader

Requested: yes!

Summary: Y/N Sixx, bassist from the famous band Wallows, is helping 5SOS write their latest album CALM. If only she could keep her crush on the drummer under control…

Warnings: Fluff. Language. Some grammatical errors (English is not my first language, I’m sorry)

Word Count: 4.6 k

Author’s Note: IM BACK! Remember that Reblogs, Likes, Comments and Feedback are very important! You have no idea how much they help 💕 Hope you like it and Happy Reading 🦋🌻✨

My materialist // wanna be part of my tag list?

anon: Can you do a one-shot where the reader was born on 1996 and she’s the daughter of Nikki Sixx and Brandi Brandt and it’s the bassist and songwriter of Wallows (…) and she helps 5sos write songs for the album CALM and starts dating Ashton and the fans go nuts (in a good way) with shipping? There’s no drama like it was in EUH

It was another boring day in the studio and you would literally prefer to do anything else than to listen to Cole talk about the last date he had instead of working on your new song. But inspiration was lacking between you and your bandmates and you really had no other choice since you already took that time on the studio’s schedule.

One would believe that you would be used to dull times in the studio, having spent a lot of time on them while growing up with your parents, but boredom was a cruel crime inside your head and today your patience was running thin.

“Hey, peanut!” Dylan called your attention “Everything good there?”

You were laying on the sofa, looking at the ceiling for some kind of saving grace, but Dylan’s voice brought you back to your reality.

“Are we going to get something done today?” You asked with a sigh, with your eyes still glued to the ceiling “Cause we are really just wasting time by now and I don’t think Cole’s last fling will bring any kind of inspo into our little group”

“Hey!” Cole protested, earning a chuckle from Braeden.

“Whatever,” You said, already getting up from your spot “I’m going to take a walk”

You took a deep breath once you closed the door to your private room. You loved the guys, you really do, but sometimes people can be too much, especially people who you spend every single day and hour with.

Memories from the past year started to fill your mind and you smiled when thinking about how much your little band has grown. Wallows was now everywhere, you created a name for yourself without using your parent’s influence and you were so damn proud of that, yet when moments like these come around - the moments where you just need to breathe to escape the reality for just a while - you start to reflect on every choice you made and if they were the right ones.

It’s the overthinking that got you to write those first lyrics in the first place, the ones that were put into songs and now were, somehow, all over TikTok with thousands of people relating to them. So maybe, overthinking now might not be such a bad idea after all.

“It’s a terrible idea if you think about it for more than one minute, mate”

You stopped in your tracks when you heard that voice, thinking that maybe you were finally going crazy or someone could’ve read your mind. But it wasn’t until you heard someone else answer that you realized it was a conversation.

“Well, I don’t know what to do with it anymore!”

You turned your head to the left and smiled when you saw the little sign that said “5SOS now in session. DO NOT DISTURB” And realized that your other favorite boys were back in town.

Of course you ignored the sign and knocked on the door a couple of times before opening it shamelessly.

“Well, well, well…” You said with a teasing smile as you leaned over the door frame “If it isn’t my second favorite Aussie band”

The faces of two of the members of said band light up once they realize it was you, quickly getting up to wrap you in a hug.

“Mini Sixx!” Calum said, ruffling his hand through your hair “About time you came to visit us”

You pushed him and Luke away from you “And you should’ve told me you’re back from your break! I could’ve escaped Dylan and the other minions earlier”

“Rough session?” Luke asked, seating down and patting the place next to him for you to sit on.

“Oh, you have no idea”

You loved the 5sos guys, it was impossible not to. Ever since you met them at a label party in 2015 when you were introduced to them because you were the same age as half of the group, you knew that they were made to be on the stage.

It was easy to become their friend, given their welcoming attitude and easy-going smiles even before they found out who your parents were. It was nice for a change not to be Y/N Sixx, daughter of the famous bassist of Mötley Crüe and famous Playboy doll Brandi Brandt, for a moment and just be Y/N, a bassist that had a lot to give to the world. And with the boys you didn’t even have to try to be someone you were not, with them everything was just so… real.

Just like now, where you were allowed to complain about your lovely bandmates to them and they would complain just as well, with no judgment nor responsibilities, just three friends letting out some steam due to the stress of your careers.

“-And basically we don’t know what else to do with the song” Luke finished his rant on the missing piece of their new song for their next album.

“And you have the lyrics ready?”

“Yeah, me and my girl wrote it a few weeks ago but the melody is just…”

“It’s missing something” Calum finished for him with a sigh.

You hummed “Can I see it?”

The two Australians got to work, playing the song with the piano and the guitar and you came to the conclusion that they were right: there was something big missing.

“So it’s a ballad,” You said, thinking of ways to fix it.

“Technically yes, but when you play it like that it sounds incomplete and the lyrics won’t work with another type of rhythm” Luke sighed “We’ve been at it for days now.”

You stayed quiet for a while, reviewing the lyrics and melody more carefully now, analyzing the situation with different approaches but without getting anywhere. It was a beautiful song, it truly was, but it needed something else, something that could create a “boom” sensation for whoever was listening.

Something like…

“Hey guys, have you finished with the- Oh, Hey, Y/N/N!” Ashton said, opening the door and finding you with his bandmates in deep concentration.

Bingo.

“Uh, why are you smiling at me like that?” Ashton asked you with a chuckle, but you didn’t even address him as you turned to Luke and Calum.

“It needs drums”

“What?” The three men said in unison. You rolled your eyes and snatched the notes from Calum’s lap and started to sing the melody.

“Here!” You pointed out “In this part, before finishing the first chorus: I already made, already made that…” And then you started to make drum noises and movements with your arms for them to get the idea.

In a matter of seconds, Luke got up from his seat and walked towards you, taking the notes from you and reviewing them with new eyes, smiling as he got the idea.

“Ha!” He laughed loudly, “You’re a fucking genius!”

“Thank you,” You said with a smug smile as you, Calum and Luke started to discuss the arrangements.

“Wait, hold up” Ashton interrupted the chatter “Y/N, I appreciate you trying to help and no offense and all but I think this isn’t your place to just decide something like that,” He said, pointing to the three of you.

You rolled your eyes. You’ve dealt with stubborn people before, but Ashton did take a spot on your top three and you knew just how to handle him.

“Wow,” You said sarcastically with a teasing smile “One would think that by being half of the rhythm section you would have more… I don’t know, rhythm?”

Ashton crooked an eyebrow and you and you knew you had him in the bag “I just don’t think-”

“You don’t think?” You said, getting up from your chair and walking up to him to be almost chest to chest. You looked up to his eyes and challenged him “Or you just can’t handle the fact that I might’ve had a better idea than you”

You could see by the sparkle in his eyes that he has taken the challenge to heart. He took a step closer to you, almost pressing his body completely against yours, and smirked.

“Want me to prove you wrong, princess?” He teased but you didn’t back up.

“I’d like to see you try, darling”

Ashton’s smirk widened as he took a step back, turning his head towards Luke and Calum who were watching the scene with intrigued eyes and knowing smiles “Get your asses back in the recording booth”

He followed them as they walked into the big recording space they had, but not before sending you a wink seconds after he closed the door.

You were thankful he didn’t see you blush.

Once they were all set with their instruments - Calum on the keys, Luke on the guitar, and Ashton behind his drum set - You pressed the buttons of the console that would make it possible for you to hear them at the other side of the mirrored glass.

“Okay boys, show me what you got”

*

You became an official 5SOS songwriter after that day and even Ashton had to admit that you were adding so much more to the band lyrics and melodies since you started to work with them.

Every day you would find yourself walking towards their studio after your band’s session and you start to work wherever they left off. It was a simple dynamic that worked wonders for everyone and after every session, you would get even more inspired to write your own music for Wallows, so it was a win-win situation, not to mention, spending time with your new co-workers; especially a particular drummer that grew closer to you that you would’ve ever imagined.

When you first met the band you hit it off pretty quickly with Luke and Calum, them being the same age as you and having pretty much the same interests; then came Michael that shared a similar sense of humor with you and with whom you discussed videogames with. But Ashton was always the one that you consciously tried to not get too close to.

In all honesty, he intimidated you but not in a bad way. He was smart, talented, and super funny, not to mention also ridiculously handsome. But he was also stubborn, a little bit egotistical, and the only one that could keep up with you in a battle of wits, teasing, and sarcasm. And you knew that if you mixed that all together it might mean trouble, especially when he smiled at you like that.

Of course you had a crush on him, who wouldn’t? But the fact is that you know what it is like to date in the industry and having feelings for a member of another pretty famous band might bring some tension to the table, so it was safer to play the crushing card and just stay friends. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself every day since you started to see him regularly and spend more time with him than with any other of the two bands.

Speaking of…

“Earth to Y/N?” Called Braeden waving a hand in front of your face “Is anybody there?”

You blinked a few times before pushing his hand away with a scoff “Very funny, B. What’s up?”

“You spaced out again” Cole added, fidgeting with his drumsticks “Just when we were going to start complimenting you on that bass line you wrote the other day…”

You smiled as you threw a pillow at him that he was able to easily dodge “Sorry, I was just-”

“Thinking about a particular drummer again?” Dylan teased, to which Cole added.

“I knew it wouldn’t take long for you to fall in love with me”

You searched for other pillows and started to throw them at your band members, giggling as they started to throw them back at you and starting an improvised pillow fight in the middle of the recording booth.

“Hey, Y/N/N! I was wondering if you-” Ashton’s sentence was cut short as he opened the door and took in the scene that was in front of him.

You were so busy chasing Breaden with a pillow on each hand and a devilish smile that you didn’t even notice when the door opened or that Ashton was standing there, smiling at you with his arms crossed as you aimed at your bandmate's head.

“Oh look, peanut!” Dylan said teasingly “You knight in shiny armor is here to-” But before he could say anything more embarrassing, you threw a pillow directly at his face to shut him out.

You quickly turned your head to Ashton who was fairly amused by your battle skills and smiled at him.

“Hey!” You said breathlessly after chasing down the others.

“Hi,” He smiled back “Am I interrupting something or?”

“Nah, you’re good,” You said, throwing one last pillow at your three friends that stood in a corner blowing teasing kisses and puppy eyes at the two of you “These assholes and I are done for the day” You commented before said assholes started to pout and complain, but you were already out the door before they could say something embarrassing again.

“So…” Ashton trailed off, starting to walk alongside you with his hands in his front pockets.

“So,” You said, drifting your eyes from him and praying to the universe that he didn’t hear anything or else it would make the blush on your face even pinker “You needed me for something?”

You wanted to get the topic of work right there in the open as soon as possible, not wanting him to notice how nervous you got when you were alone with him. At least when you were talking about work you leveled the ground in some parts.

“Actually, I’m going home early today” He smiled softly “Luke and the guys are working on a love song that’s just way too happy and butterflies - in - your -stomach like and I didn’t think they needed me there if I can’t bring nothing to the table”

“You’re not a lovey-dovey feeling kinda guy?” You teased by bumping your arm with his, earning a “hey” from him “I actually get it, I’m not that kind of person either”

“It’s not like I don’t like it, it’s just that-”

“You process your emotions differently, and it’s easier to write those when you think of love in other stages and/or mixed with other complex emotions because-”

“Love is not just one-sided! Yes!” Ashton celebrated, amazed that you could understand what he was saying “I knew you would get it”

That comment made your cheeks heat up as you looked at him, all dimpled smiles and light chuckled as he looked at you with sparkly hazel eyes. Oh no…

“Well,” You said, breaking that little moment “If they are going to work on that all day then I guess I would head home, too. I don’t think I’ll be able to provide anything else either”

“Actually,” Ashton said as he stopped in the middle of the hall leading to the exit, making you stop as well and turn to him “I was wondering if you would want to get some coffee with me now that we are both free. Of course, if you really are free and have nothing else to do and want to actually drink coffee or tea… or maybe not and you’re not that type of person and-”

“Are you asking me out?”

Ashton stopped his rambling and looked at you with an incredulous smile and lightly blushed cheeks.

“I- well, yeah,” He said shyly “Yeah, I am”

You smiled and softly chuckled “Look at the famous drummer all nervous” You teasingly took a step closer to him, not knowing where this confidence was coming from, and he did the same “It’s just me, you know?”

“And that’s exactly the reason why”

“Do I make you nervous, darling?”

“Let’s say that if it were anyone else, I wouldn’t have rambled like that, princess”

You pressed your lips in a thin line and smiled as you looked away from him, blushing like a teenager on her first date.

“So…” You trailed off.

“So?”

“Lead the way”

*

From that moment both of your routines changed once again. Now you took time off the studio at least two times a week to go with Ashton on those small friendly dates as he took you out for coffee or just simple but meaningful talks.

Soon enough you lost all the doubts that made you nervous around him, seeing how easy it was to talk to him and how much you had in common in more aspects than just music. You became more comfortable around him and your level of teasing and playing grew alongside your relationship, not to mention the level of teasing and playing you received from your band members and the other 3 Aussies who joined in on all the fun.

You were used to blushing and dismissing comments about your - undeniable - crush on the drummer, but Ashton didn’t seem to be affected by them at all. On the contrary, Ashton played along and even seemed like he was enjoying it. Like in one particular occasion where you were working on a song together and Michael said:

“Oh my god, date her already!”

Ashton didn’t blink an eye before responding “I’m trying! But she just wants to focus on the harmonies”

And you’d be lying if you said that didn’t put a smile on your face.

Yet, you kept it all professional while being in the studio; no need to mix your personal lives with whatever was going on down there, that’s why those coffee runs were your favorites.

It was an unspoken rule between the two of you that “work-talk” was forever banned from those outings.

“So what are we going to talk about?” You asked him the first time you went into his favorite coffee shop.

“Us” He simply answered, unaware of the butterflies he just set in your stomach.

“Us?”

“Yeah, I want to get to know you better, princess. Who is Y/N Sixx?”

“Who is Ashton Irwin?”

“I asked first”

“I asked second” You countered

Ashton smiled widely “You think you’re clever…”

“It doesn’t matter what I think” You answered, casually sipping on your coffee “I know I’m clever just like I know you like me that way”

You were testing the waters back then, hiding the shaking of your knees under the table as you longed to know how he felt about it. But the way he smiled and how he blushed a little bit made all your fears go away.

“Yeah, that I do”

Your cheeks turned red whenever you reminisced about that moment - or any moment that you spent with Ashton for that matter - which gave you the perfect idea for a song.

“I don’t want to kill my time with somebody else…” You hummed to yourself as you wrote down what you think is the chorus to a new song.

You told Ashton that you were not the type to write silly love songs or very uplifting songs; but there was something in that memory, something in that feeling that you couldn't ignore or just let it be without doing something about it. So, you started to write it.

You couldn't separate the feeling from the art, after all, feelings were what led you to dedicate your life to music. People would say it was because of your parent’s influence but they had little to nothing to do with your decision. This was you, the authentical you writing whatever came to mind and then sharing it with the world and only a few people will get it in its entirety. And surely Ashton was one of them.

“Dadadada something, want you all to myself”

“Wacha doing there, princess?”

Speaking of the devil.

Ashton smiled at you as he hunched over the table you were working on, trying to peek at what you were writing. You lifted the notebook and pressed it against your chest faking offense as he giggled.

“Didn’t your mother taught you not to sneak up on people, darling?” You asked as he walked around your workspace and sat himself down on the chair next to you “Besides, you’re late. You were supposed to meet me here like half an hour ago!”

“Aww, sorry Sixx” Ashton pouted “But there were no chocolate chip cookies left in the shop so I had to go around town to get you some” He then put a bag of freshly made cookies on top of the table with a cup filled with coffee.

“You didn’t have to do that, you know?”

“Of course I did! You always only eat chocolate chips cookies in the afternoon”

He started to giggle again, ignoring the way you were looking at him “How did you know that?”

“C’mon, Y/N/N, every time we go for coffee you order two, one for the coffee and another one for the road. And every time we cater something you never touch anything but those cookies”

“I never knew you were so observant”

Ashton shrugged “I just pay attention if I like what I see,” He said nonchalantly with a wink, making you blush instantly, but you covered it up with an eye roll.

“God, you’re terrible” You scoffed.

“I’m honest!” You shook your head and went back to writing, but Ashton was not going to let that go so easily. “Look, how else could I know that you always put an extra bag of sugar in your coffee?”

“‘Cause I always drink the same thing,” You said without looking up from your notebook.

“Yeah, a mocha latte with extra chocolate drizzle and no foam. Honestly, how can you handle that much sugar?” You were about to answer but he caught you off. “But that’s not all you drink, whenever you have a bad day you always order a cup of mango and ginger tea because that’s your mother’s favorite drink and it helps you calm down. You also don’t want anyone to know that you’re having a bad day but the minute someone looks away your smile starts to flatter until you’re back in the conversation”

You stopped the writing completely as you turned to him, suddenly feeling how your heart started to jump all over your chest as he kept talking, eyes never leaving yours as he gave you a soft smile, almost as if he was remembering all those moments with you.

“You draw flowers on the corner of your notebooks whenever you feel bored. You love the sad songs on the radio and you know every single word to Lorde’s Melodrama, yet every time you have to choose a playlist you put 2000’s pop and R&B songs because it hypes you up. You hate awkward silences unless you are the one being quiet. You help Dylan dye his hair every time he asks you to because you would trust each other with your lives, you give Cole relationship advice because you care about him and he always appreciates your advice more than anyone’s and Braeden is your best friend because you always say that he is one of the few people that could make you laugh in a bad day and you have no idea how much I want to be included in that list”

“Ashton-”

“You write better with dim light, it helps you concentrate on your work. You say you don’t believe in astrology yet you check your horoscope every day. You want to make sure that everyone has a good time and feels included, that’s why you always make conversations with Micahel about games you never even heard before or let Luke braid your hair when he’s bored or how you switched topics when you noticed that Calum was not engaging as much in a conversation. You literally take care of everyone but you never let anyone take care of you, and when we do you get all shy and you blush as you say thank you and you have no idea how fucking adorable you look”

You sat there speechless as he spoke. You felt the back of your throat dry as you tried to find the right words to answer all of that.

It was too much. The fact that he knew all of that and how he said it like he was just talking about his favorite things in the world, it was just too much but at the same time, you want to hear him say that again.

A weird sense of joy and shyness came over you as he set his hazel eyes on yours. You gave him a small smile as you averted your gaze to the floor.

“Wow, I-” You started “I never thought someone noticed all that”

“How could I not?” You heard him say “You’re all I can think about and to say that I don’t notice you is like saying I don’t notice the sun in the sky or the stars at night. You’re the brightest light out there, Y/N, you shine everywhere you go”

You noticed how he pulled his chair closer to you and suddenly you felt how your chair started to slowly turn his way until you were face to face.

Ashton carefully placed his fingers under your chin and tilted your head until you were finally looking into his eyes again.

“There she is!” He smiled when he noticed your blushing cheeks and gleaming eyes.

“What do you mean when you say I’m all you think about?” You asked expectantly, curling your fingers nervously on top of your thighs.

Ashton chuckled. “Well, if you didn’t notice, I really fucking like you, Y/N”

You looked up at him, smiling with hopeful eyes and feeling as if a weight was lifted off your chest thanks to the joy you were experiencing while hearing those words.

“You do?”

“Unless you don’t like me back and I just spilled my feelings for nothing-” You smacked him playfully in the arm “Ouch! I’m kidding! Of course I like you! Fuck, Y/N I’ve been falling for years now and I thought I was being pretty obvious”

You laughed “I thought you were just playing!”

In an instant, Ashton pulled your chair closer and grabbed you by the hip, lifting you up and making you sit on his lap as he hugged you by the waist and you placed your arms around his neck.

“I’ve never been more serious in my life,” He said, “I’ll do anything to prove it”

“Well,” You said, pressing a kiss to his cheek and knocking your forehead to his “How about you help me finish this song and then you take me on a date? Cause I’ve been falling for you, too and I don’t want to waste any more time”

Ashton hummed as he nuzzled his nose against your cheek, kissing it softly as he murmured “Will I get to kiss my princess at midnight?”

“Maybe… or you can take your chances now if you’d like”

He smiled.

“I like those odds”

And just before you know it, he softly pressed his lips against yours; finally creating a happy beginning for the two of you.

Instagram Posts

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tags: @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @mystic-232 @talksoprettyjjx @theshyspy @hoodhoran @flaneurcth @notinthesameguey @bubblegum18 @irwin-fletcher-ash @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @1980holland @wiiildflowerrr @hoplessromantic727 @fivesecondsofonedirection @another-lonely-heart @aabc5sauce @dudethisiswhyyoudonthavefriends @major5sosstan @5sos-imagine @SunflowerAngel2123 @perfectnouis @in-superbloom @lukeisstillapenguin @sadcupofcoffee @superstarmarvel @personalmuyverypersonal @ashtonsunflower @nicebasscalum @calumspupils @secretsicanthideanymore @the-ghost-of-luke @alltimesos @girlwhosimps @wontlastimokwiththat @ttinahood @lukespitinmymouth @perfectnouis

[writefasttalkevenfaster]

Take My Hand (Part Three)

Summary: feelings are hurt, mistakes are made, and someone wakes up in the wrong bed (one of three four ??? parts) 

Pairings: Rafael Barba x Reader, Sonny Carisi x Reader

Word Count: 6,992

Song:  It wasn't right / The way it all went down / Looks like you know that now (closure by taylor swift) 

Warnings: T, spoilers for 19x13 (the undiscovered country) and use of some dialogue from that episode, infant death, some swearing, drinking, drunken behavior, so much angst, 

A/N: thank you for @bucky-of-the-opera​ and @laneygthememequeen​ for letting me bounce ideas off and being such amazing beta readers. and thank you to @qvid-pro-qvo​ for the support and enthusiasm as i muddled my way through these scenes. And thank you to all of you for reading :) 

“Another,” you slam your glass on the table, “please.” 

“Are you sure you want another?” the bartender raised an eyebrow at you, the glasses lined around you. 

“I asked for another,” you hiss, your voice raising and falling, the sound making the ache in your head sharp, a knife dragging across your forehead from temple to temple. 

The drink lands in front of you, "I'm cutting you off," you click your teeth together, your fingers pressed the cool glass, the only thing grounding you, "hey, hey," she snaps her fingers, "did you drive here?" 

You scoff, "Who drives in New York?" The remark doesn't come off as biting as you want, words slurring. 

The bartender taps on your phone, lying on the counter amongst the glasses, "call someone to pick you up. We're closing. Don't go home by yourself." 

You sip at your drink, your throat numb to any burn alcohol could provide you — the thrill gone, only left the bitter depressant you needed to relieve the pain. But there was no amount that could relieve this pain because one word brought it back — Rafael. 

A wound that had scabbed over so times could still bleed, and this pain came with no adrenaline to numb it. But nothing could numb this pain — the one searing in your hollow chest, your heart long forlorn the moment you stepped from that office — no, it was earlier. Was it the moment you chose to love him? No, maybe it was the moment you kissed him, sunk into those eyes made for sinking, and you stood at the helm, unwavering. Because, after all, it was your heart to sink. 

You loved him — you loved him even when he was completely unloveable in his behavior — your adoration for toleration. You loved him even when you didn't want to — when you knew he didn't deserve it, when you deserved more. You loved him, but you didn't know why. 

And you wished you never did. 

The bartender snaps her fingers again, "Hey, please call someone because I don't want you leaving here alone." 

But you missed him, you scrolled through your contacts, finding his name so easily — his contact picture was of him in the office, sitting beside you on his couch with a mouthful of dumplings, irritated by something Buchanan had said. The next picture on your camera roll if you remembered was him lunging for your phone, and the third was of him kissing you, the taste of soy sauce on his lips. 

Was the last time you kissed him the last time? Would it be the last time you touched him? The last time you slept beside him? 

Your finger hovered over the call button — it would be easy to call him, to talk to him, to love him. But, your thumb slides right, going back to your contacts, just because it was easy didn't mean it was right. 

Tears slid down your face, as you downed the rest of your drink. 

But you needed to call someone — someone you trusted. 

Sonny did not expect to spend his Thursday night (or was it Friday morning?)  like this — not at Forlini’s, not out at 3 AM, and certainly not picking you up. 

You weren't exactly clear about much on the phone — between the slurring and the mumbling he was only able to make out the address and "can you pick me up?"

He hurried down the street, sidestepping several burly men, who jeered at him as he passed by, his nerves shot at this point. He had seen at least eight of the men he's passed in lockup, and here you were in the thick of it. 

What were you thinking? 

He finds the place with ease, stepping into it, finding the bartender wiping up a table by the front. Irritated, she jerks her head towards the bar, "over there, the last drink hit hard, so you might have some trouble getting home, buddy." 

His brow wrinkles, "What do you—" 

"Sonny!" your voice is high, throwing up your hands in a to-do, as you stumble off the stool, while Sonny barely moves in time to catch you. 

“Whoa, whoa, are you okay, counselor?” you pout, sighing loudly, as you gently take his hands off of you, instead intertwining your fingers with his. 

“I told you to call me by my name, Sonny,” he clears his throat, feeling his ears burn as you tugged him closer, peering up at him with a wide grin, “or should I start calling you Detective Carisi?” your voice low and teasing, he leans away. 

Okay, he bites his lip, stepping away from you. 

What had he gotten himself into? 

After several minutes of bargaining, bartering, and bribes, he was able to convince you to leave the bar, much to his (and the bartender’s) relief. But then again, the problems kept coming. He pulls you outside, and you’re shivering, your suit jacket clearly not enough. He pulls off his sweatshirt, handing it to you, you open your mouth to protest, but when another strong wind blows through, and you pull it over your shoulders. 

He glances away, but his eyes wander back to you — his ears burning at the sight of you in his clothes. 

No, no, this was not the time, he chided himself. 

“Come on, let’s get you home, sweetheart,” and you pull away from him. 

“I can’t go home,” he crosses his arms, struggling to keep his temper even at 2 in the morning, his patience worn away to nothingness in that bar. 

“Sweetheart,” you shake your head — now you were just being stubborn, “the bar is closed, you have to go home.” 

“No, I can’t go home,” and he sees the tears in your eyes, streaking down your face, and you’re shaking your head, arms crossed, “I can’t, Sonny. Please.” 

And his irritation turns to fear — he’s seen this before, too many times, far too many times, a sinking feeling in his gut, “What happened?” 

“Sonny—” your voice breaks, it was a blurred line between anger and fear — and he didn’t know what he felt right now — but he knew he was going to lose his mind if you didn’t tell him what was going on right now. 

“Did someone do something to you?” you shake your head, “did they touch you—” 

“No, Sonny, no,” you wipe your tears away, sniffing, “I just broke up with the guy I was seeing. The one I told you about. It wasn’t working,” you gave a watery chuckle, “it never worked to begin with.” 

He says your name, his anger simmering, “I’m—” 

You wave him off, before sighing, “I just can’t deal with him right now. And if I go home,” your voice shakes, “he might show up there and I can’t do that. I can’t.” 

Sonny feels his heart thump against his chest, reaching for your hand, squeezing it, “Then we won’t.” 

He takes you to his place, it doesn’t take long to get to — it takes longer to get you out of the cab, fully asleep on his shoulder by the time they arrive. His arm around you, supporting you, he takes you inside, “You take the bed, okay? I’ll sleep on the couch.” 

“You don’t have to do that,” you mumble, leaning against him as he unlocks the door, hating how he liked the way you felt against him, and he sighs. No, it feels like he does. You were his friend first — anything he felt was irrelevant. He shut the door behind him. 

Until it wasn’t. But it wouldn’t be relevant — not tonight. 

“Come on,” he helps you to his bedroom, having you sit at the edge of the bed, kneeling as he takes your shoes off for you. He looks up to find you staring at him, eyes glassy, “What’s wrong?” 

“You really care about me, don’t you, Sonny?” and he tilts his head. 

“Of course I do,” he frowns, “what do you—” 

And you kiss him. It’s brief, but in his mind, it feels like forever — your lips were as soft as he thought they would be. He tastes the alcohol on your tongue, but that’s nothing compared to you. 

He had never wanted to feel this way. 

When did he first feel it? 

When you had comforted him about Coles? No, maybe when you asked him to join you for a drink after shadowing? Or maybe it was the moment he saw you in your office, when you told him to call you by your name — when you called him by his. 

He pulls away, and you sit, breath hot against his, whispering so quietly he barely hears it even in the silence, “I wish he cared about me the way you did.” 

And he supposed it didn’t matter — helping you lay down — because it didn’t mean anything anyway. 

Your first memory is regret, followed by pain — in that order — a sharp pain in your head stirs you into consciousness and into terror because, not only were you surely going to die, but in a stranger’s home. A knife would have been kinder than a hangover — when was the last time you had one? Have you ever had one before? 

Your stomach lurched — you didn’t need to think about that right now. 

You pushed yourself up, mind swimming and muscles screaming, your eyes surely bench pressing a thousand pounds to stay open, what the fuck happened— 

The picture on the bedside table came into focus — was that— 

It was Sonny with his niece, both their smiling faces staring back at you — almost mocking the situation you had gotten yourself into. 

What had you done last night? 

You groan softly, as the memories come back to you, as your hand clutches at your forehead, slowly sliding down, — the fight, the bar, the drinking, calling Sonny to get you and— your fingers brush your lips— 

Fuck. 

You kissed him — you had kissed Sonny. Flashes of it came back — you rocking forward to kiss him, his lips soft against yours, pulling away from you. Tears burned your eyes — congrats, you had somehow managed to blow up your life in so many ways in one night. 

You were the worst — the worst. 

Was this rock bottom? You didn’t know you could fall so far — to the point where you didn’t recognize yourself — drinking to forget, hurting the people who cared, and throwing it away for someone who didn’t even care. 

No more, you wiped your tears away, reaching for your purse, pulling a pen and notepad from your bag, this needed to end. 

You deserved more. 

You always did. 

You walk into your apartment, stepping inside to the sound of someone walking around, and you tense, your phone clenched in your hand, glancing around — and then you hear his voice. 

Breathless, he steps out from the kitchen, and he whispers your name in the silence of the morning. His arms around you in a moment, your arms at your sides“I’ve been calling all morning — I came here and you weren’t here, I thought something had—” he breaks off, seemingly able to breath again, but you couldn’t — you never could with him. 

“What are you doing here?” you whisper, breaking away from him, taking several steps back. 

“What do you mean? I called you — i couldn’t find you—” 

“You don’t need to find me — it’s over,” your voice broke, crossing your arms, “leave.” 

And his eyes are drawn to your sweatshirt, hanging low on your body, and his eyes narrow, “Were you with someone else?” You blink, realizing you still had Sonny’s sweatshirt on from last night, “were you cheating on—” 

“Cheating?” you bark out a laugh, raising your eyebrows, “cheating on who? On what? We’re nothing to each other, Rafael. It was true last night, and it’s true today.” 

“This isn’t nothing — we aren’t nothing,” he shakes his head, “what do you want? Do you want a relationship? Tell me, I’ll do it.” 

“I want you to leave,” you swallow thickly, “It’s over, Raf, we can’t do this anymore.”

“I’m telling you I’ll do anything—” he whispers your name in the silence of your heart breaking, he steps forward and you step away — the gap between you a chasm, a lake made of your own tears, “I love you.” 

You shake your head, tears slipping down your cheeks, “No, no—” 

“I do,” he pleads, “I do, mi amor.” 

“You love me until you don’t,” you meet his gaze, emerald eyes shiny with tears, “I can’t do that anymore — I need more, I deserve more.” 

He wipes his tears with the back of his hand, “This is it?” 

“It is,” he steps forward, and you don’t step away this time, his warm cupping your cheek for the last time, your tears rolling over the knuckles of his fingers. 

“Can I kiss you goodbye?” he asks — and you squeeze your eyes shut, nodding. His breath is warm against your lips, his touch comforting and familiar. Your lips meet — he feels like home, his arms around your waist, splayed and lingering as if they never wanted to leave — and you didn’t want them to. Your lips part and meet over and over, until you think he’s stolen the very breath from your lungs. Your fingers fisted in his shirt, and you don’t know if you want to push him away or pull him closer. 

You pull away — and it takes everything in you, a sob stuck in your throat — your foreheads brushing, and his hands reach for you as you pull away, but you brush past him, “Please go,” your back to him, you don’t watch him leave, instead hearing his footsteps against the floor, the door creaking open, and a pause. 

“I’m sorry, mi amor.” 

And the door clicks shut, and you sink to the floor, your back to the bottom of your couch, as you cry silently. 

You were too. 

Sonny wakes up to the sound of a door closing. 

He curses under his breath, throwing off his blanket haphazardly. He nearly trips over himself trying to leave his apartment. But his stumbling was not fast enough to catch you — already long disappeared down the stairs of his apartment. He walks back to his room, finding his bed made with wrinkled sheets — the same ones you had kissed him on — a note in your place: 

Sonny, 

I’m so sorry. I was in a bad place, I wasn’t myself, but it’s no excuse for how I treated you — making you pick me up, take care of me, and kissing you — and everything in between. It was a mistake. I can’t change what I already did, but I’m sorry for everything — and I won’t burden you again like that — ever. 

‘It was a mistake.’

Sonny stares at the note — finger brushing against the wet splotch on the paper. And he couldn’t help but think there was another door that closed last night — and he wondered if there would ever be another chance. 

There was a sharp knock at Rafael’s door, and Jack McCoy stuck his head in, “Counselor, do you have a minute?” Rafael barely looks up from his work — his late start and no sleep did him no favors, he was already buried in work and you were in motions hearings all morning on top of it. 

Not that he wanted to see you anyway — not after this morning. 

All night he had waited for you — he called, he texted, he left voicemails — he did everything but send you a fax. You always teased him that his propensity for sending a fax made his age show — and he always replied to that with a kiss and a grin with a promise to show you that with age came experience. 

And now he would never kiss you again. 

He looked for you too — he spent hours pacing his apartment until he couldn’t take it anymore — and he started to look. He checked with your friends, he looked in at the office, and he finally checked on your place. You had given him a key before — for emergencies — but usually it was for late nights he would crawl in beside you, his arms curled around your middle. And you would lean into his touch, a sigh on your lips, even as you slept. 

And now he would never sleep next to you again. 

“Rafael?” McCoy asked, and Rafael snapped from his stupor, rubbing his eyes. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t sleep well last night,” he leaned back away from his work, clearing his throat, “what was it that you needed from me, Jack?” 

“I just wanted to inform you that your A.D.A. has resigned with a week’s notice,” and he blinked, his heart slowly caving in upon itself, “I allowed as such since I figured with the case flow, we should be fine for a week with a man down, but if you need any help, please let me know and I”ll have another A.D.A. assist you.” 

He nods, dumbstruck, as Jack turns to go, “Wait, Jack,” he looks back, “was there a reason given?” 

He offers a sad and knowing smile, “Needed a change, new opportunities — a need to grow,” he slips his hands into his pockets, “everyone does, son.” 

“Of course, thank you.” and there he knew —  he knew that you had outgrew him. 

And it was his fault. 

It doesn’t take long for the news to spread across SVU — and you’re careful to drop by on a day that Sonny won’t be there, shame still lingering in your chest about that night. You knew that you should face him — you knew you should talk to him, but you knew that it would only make things harder. And you didn’t want to do that to him. 

But mostly you didn’t want to do it to yourself. 

“We’re going to miss you around here, counselor,” Liv squeezes your shoulder, offering you a warm smile. 

“Won’t be the same without you — who else is going to get that stick out of Barba’s ass?” Fin asks, and you chuckle, but his name carves another fresh wound into your skin, lingering just as his touch did, “but seriously, you ever need anything—” 

“I’ll take you up on that, Fin,” 

“Seriously, anything you need,” Amanda smiles, and you nod, biting your lip. 

“Could you actually do something for me?” you hold up a bag, “can you give this to Sonny? He lent it to me the other night at the office.” 

Amanda frowns, “Don’t you want to tell him goodbye yourself?” 

“I will, but I just want to make sure he gets this back first, before I forget,” you lie — and you hope she can’t see through it, see through you, but it feels like everyone can — skin rubbed raw from the last week, red and exposed and fragile, “please?” 

“Of course,” she takes it without another word, but you can still feel her watching you as you leave the precinct for the last time, hands in your pockets. 

It’s a large change — new job, new place, and new borough. And it takes some time. 

You find another job relatively easily — the alumni network at your alma mater and your experience as a prosecutor makes it simple for you to step into place at a boutique defense firm in the Bronx. It’s as natural as a transition as you can hope for. 

Your colleagues are kind, guiding, helpful — and your work is different, but familiar — a different view of the same picture with a distinct goal of making the government uphold its burden and to hold the phrase, “innocent until proven guilty” with conviction — and hopefully without a conviction for your clients. 

When the news broke, it didn’t take long for you to hear the whispers and it didn’t take long for the whispers to become an outcry.

“Did you hear about the Manhattan A.D.A. on trial?” a first year associate asked another, and you freeze, your head snapping over, blood running cold. 

“What happened?”

~~~

“Jack McCoy,” 

“Jack, what the hell is going on?” you hissed in your office, shutters shut and door closed, “I just heard that—” 

“That Rafael Barba is on trial for murder? You heard right,” a hint of a sigh in the back of his throat, “I had no choice — my hands were tied.” You knew he didn’t — your anger receding, the office can’t be seen giving him any favor. He needed to be treated like anyone else — but he wasn’t just anyone else, was he? 

Not to you.

Your mouth was dry, “What happened?” 

Jack explained — everything — the parents, the baby, the hospital. Two parents caught between an impossible decision about their child now deemed to be braindead, and a mother who wanted nothing more than her child to be at rest. But she wasn’t the one who did it. Rafael did, against the father’s wishes. And now he was going to trial for murder. 

Even as Jack explained, your words kept echoing in your ears — “you’re too busy saving the rest of the world.” 

“Does he have representation yet?” your mind raced with images of him in jail, the ostracization, the media outrage, the shame — fuck. 

What the hell were you thinking, Rafael? 

“Not to my knowledge, but you can’t—” 

“I know I can’t,” you scoff, “but I know someone who can and will,” you scrolled through your contacts, finding the one you were looking for, “Is he okay?” you asked softly. 

“As well as he can be,” you could almost see Jack frowning, “I don’t wish to see anything happen to him, but no one is above the law, you know that.” 

“I know, but I also know him—” and despite everything — the pain, the heartbreak, the anger — you knew he didn’t deserve this, “and I know I can’t let him go to jail.” 

“I know,” he warns, sighing, “I want the same result as you, counselor, just tread lightly.” 

“I will,” a shay sigh escapes your chest, and you swallow the lump in your throat, trying not to let your voice break, “will he be okay?”

He gives a bitter chuckle, “After this many years of doing this, you would think I could predict what a jury will do — but I don’t know. Juries surprise you and that cuts both ways. And I hope this time it cuts the way we want it to.” 

“Thank you Jack, for everything,” 

You can almost see him smile, “Of course, anytime.” 

And now there was one more phone call you needed to make — the phone only rang twice before he picked up, “Regretting your wrong choice in workplace already? Only after, what, a few weeks? I think that’s a new record in job changes, counselor.” 

You snort. Randy Dworkin never changed, did he? “I told you, Randy — your firm is too much of a boys’ club for my taste.” 

“But I know you play rough, and this is more a roughhouse than a boys’ club — you’d dominate them all in a moment, and we’d be nothing but your humble servants.” 

“And here I thought you saved the theatrics for the courtroom,” you hear him give a small gasp. 

“You wound me, counselor. And another thing, if you’re not calling to tell me you’ve changed your mind, then you must be calling for a favor. And as one of your old mentors, let me remind you of an old adage — you catch more flies with honey than vinegar,” you shake your head. 

“It’s not exactly a favor,” you pinch the bridge of your nose, “Let me start over — I need you to represent a former colleague of mine.” 

“And this is not a favor, how?” 

“Because this is a case you’re going to definitely want your name on.” 

“If you don’t want to represent me, that’s fine,” Rafael was beginning to regret taking this meeting — even with half the defense attorneys in the city ducking his calls, maybe he would be better off defending himself pro se-- 

“I don't wanna represent you, I have to represent you. Cases like this wet my whistle, so to speak,”  Dworkin explained, sighing, as Rafael raised an eyebrow, “So, what did the little bastard do to you?”

--And he was becoming more sure with every passing second. 

“This was a mistake,” but Dworkin waves him back down.

“Okay, okay,” Dworkin backs off, looking all too pleased with himself, “I’ll skip the self-defense angle,” and Rafael found himself reluctantly sitting back down. Randy Dworkin may be smarmy, he may be endlessly irritating, but he was good at his job, better than good — as much as Rafael hated to admit it —  and he needed help. 

“I’m sorry I wasted your time, Mr. Dworkin,” 

“Randy,” he corrects, “And my point is this whole thing is a sick joke. You killed something that nine out of ten doctors would say wasn't alive.” 

“And what about the tenth doctor?” and that was the thought that haunted Rafael the most — he knew the smallest chance may be enough to convince a jury — it was enough to convince him he was guilty. No one was above the law, including him, guilty in his own eyes — in the eyes of the same god his mother had raised him to believe in. 

And yet here he sat. 

“Look, you wanna prove a point, and I wanna prove a point. It's what my nana would call the perfect shidduch,” Rafael raises an eyebrow, growing more weary of this conversation with every second. 

“What point do you wanna prove?”

“That the government's power has grown too damn much. That the bigger the government gets, the smaller it leaves the individual. That once the government takes away our right to die, it takes away our right to live,” he looks self-satisfied, leaning back in his seat, “How am I doing so far? 

Rafael’s jaw is set, “Well, for defending a murderer, not bad,” and Dworkin raises an eyebrow, shushing him dramatically. 

“Let’s keep that self-sacrificial guilt locked up, okay? Save it for your religious leader of choice,” Dworkin leans in closer, “I know you put in calls for defense attorneys — I know you don’t want to go to jail, and I know other people don’t want to see you take the fall for this.” 

“Other people?” he raises an eyebrow, and Dworkin seems to bite his tongue in the moment, a flicker of interest crossing his face, “did someone refer this case to you?”

“It’s not exactly a low profile nobody case, Barba — the story is splashed across half the tabloids and all over the news—” 

“But you just—”

“Let’s focus on getting you off first,” Dworkin tilts his head, “or did you forget that you’re on trial for murder?” 

Rafael wrinkles his brow, the question still nagging at the back of his head — a question mark at the end of a paragraph that lingered like an unspoken taboo he couldn’t place — but, Dworkin was right — right now, he couldn’t waste time. 

Time that he really didn’t have. 

“You didn’t tell me when I took this case that I was getting in between some doomed office relationship you conveniently failed to disclose before,” you didn’t realize this lunch Randy had invited you to involve an ambush — but you should have — it was Randy Dworkin. 

“I didn’t see how that was pertinent,” you shrug, picking at your food, “and it wasn’t a relationship.” 

“Puh-tat-o, puh-tat-toe — it’s still a cow if it moos, no?” he snorts, shaking his head, “it’s only pertinent when I almost let it slip that you were the one that referred the case to my attention.” 

That gets your attention, head snapping up, “And you?” 

“Masterfully avoided the question — I have excellent evasion skills — the fact that I never had a career in the C.I.A. should be criminal,” he looks up from his food, a shit eating grin on his lips, “It wasn’t hard — he has a lot more on his mind right now.” 

“I can only imagine,” you murmur, your brow wrinkled as you stabbed a fry with your fork, appetite woefully gone. 

“Your face will freeze like that,” and you scoff. 

“And yet I’ll still look better than you,” he laughs at that. 

“I always told you that you should have come and worked for me out of law school, instead of going to the D.A.’s office,” he wipes his lips with his napkin, “maybe you wouldn’t have fallen for this schmuck—” 

You raise an eyebrow, “He’s not—” 

“Still supportive? Even after the way he treated you—” and you gape at him, “you know that rumors get around — the community is small and people talk as much as they listen — it’s an incesteous cesspool of heathens,” and he gestures to you and him, “look no further.” 

“Speak for yourself,” you grumble, cheeks burning, “I’m sorry what rumors?” 

“You don’t need to know, kid,” he shakes his head, “my question is more focused on the present — why do you still care?” 

“Because he doesn’t deserve to go down for this—” 

“And he probably wouldn’t either way, but why do you care?” 

“I don’t know, okay?” you snap, “I wish I did, but I don’t. But despite everything that happened — I don’t want to see him suffer. I don’t want him to go to jail,” your voice cracks ever so slightly, and Randy frowns at you, expression unreadable, “Call me an idiot, but I care — I can’t help it.” 

“Most times that’s an asset, counselor,” he leans forward, elbow on the table, “as long as you don’t let anyone take advantage of it — not again.” 

“I won’t,” you say softly, as the waiter comes over to hand over the check, helping to pack up the rest of your food to go,  “I never thanked you for taking the case.” 

“Oh, didn’t I tell you?” he smiles, handing over the server book, “you’re picking up the check.” 

“On the sole count of the indictment, murder in the second degree, we find the defendant, Rafael Barba — not guilty.” the foreman announces, and relief floods Rafael, all the same time that guilt does — the two emotions irrevocably tied — lifting him up and dragging him down — a balloon and an anchor. 

Dworkin claps him on the shoulder, “Congratulations, counselor, and you’re welcome. My bill is the mail.” 

“Thank you, Randy,” he shakes his hand, “really, I—” 

“Spare me the speech, okay? I appreciate it, but I was doing my job, just like you did yours,” he offers him a smile, “and besides there’s someone else you should really be thanking.” 

He frowns, “Who?” 

Your name leaves his lips, and Rafael blinks, “How the case got referred to me? That’s how,” he hadn’t heard your name in months, and yet the hurt of you leaving still felt fresh — a knife twisted in his gut, even as the flesh around it healed and scarred, the metal still stung the same as the day you left. 

Or rather, the day he made you leave. 

It was his fault — he knew that now. And maybe that was the point — to drive you away, to push you so far that there was no coming back. Self-destructive — self sacrificial just as Dworkin had called him — except he had sacrificed you instead of him. It should have been him — his fears, his worries, his walls — offered at the alter of your unconditional love. 

But he didn’t. He didn’t and he regretted it — but was regret enough? 

“Why are you telling me this?” and Dworkin shrugs, grabbing his briefcase with a sigh. When his gaze meets his again, it’s sharp as a jagged rock. 

“I don’t know honestly,” he licks his lips, “I still think you’re a schmuck, but I know certain other people don’t think so,” he sticks a hand in his pocket, “and if you do get another chance, don’t screw it up. Otherwise, there won’t be a defense attorney in town who will help you next time you screw up.” 

He leaves Rafael standing, dumbstruck. 

And what was he to do now — with his future open and empty, what was left and who did he want to share it with? 

And there was only one answer to that question. 

There was knocking at your door — incessant and irritating that forced you out of bed at 11:00 PM — the one night of week you were able to get to bed early. And part of you only hoped it was a murderer to put you out of your misery — but you knew even the murderers weren’t so polite as to knock. But then again, you could be surprised. 

But it wasn’t a murderer — at least in the eyes of a New York jury. 

It was someone much worse. 

And then it occurred to you — how did he know where you even lived— and then you groan, swearing silently under your breath. 

Fuck you, Randy. 

You lean back, head leaning back, staring at the ceiling, were you ready for this? Would you ever be ready for this? 

You unlock the door, opening it, “What are you doing here?” 

“Please, I know I don’t deserve it— I don’t deserve anything from you, but please let me talk,” his voice is soft, and fuck, it hits you in so many ways — his voice, his face, him — it’s overwhelming enough to hear him, but to see him here. It’s too much and not enough all the same — to see him and not touch him. 

But he placed this ravine between you, carved it with the shards of your heart, filled it with your tears, and it was his job to scale.

And it wasn’t your job to make it easy. 

“You don’t deserve it,” you wanted him to slip on the slippery crags of rock, you wanted him to cut his hands on the sharp edges of your bitterness, “so why should I listen?” 

“Because I love you—” and you scoff, “I know I don’t have any right to say that, but please, let me just talk,” and you know he’s not going anywhere, and despite yourself — despite not wanting to give him the chance he had for months and for years — you wanted to know, you wanted him to explain. You grit your teeth, stepping aside, shutting the door behind him, arms crossed. 

“You have two minutes,” 

He clears his throat, “First, thank you for sending Dworkin my way, I don’t think I would have gotten off—” 

“I didn’t let you in to be thanked,” you cut him off, “what do you have to say, Rafael?” 

He wavers for a moment, “I love you, mi amor, and I know I don’t get to say that or call you that, but I do, I really do,” his voice breaks, “I know I don’t deserve you — I think I knew that from the start, and maybe that’s why I didn’t treat you right. It’s not an excuse—” 

“And yet it sounds like one—” 

“I was wrong — I took you for granted, and I will spend the rest of my life making that up to you if you give me the chance,” Rafael steps forward, dropping to one knee and your breath catches in your throat. 

No. No. He wasn’t— 

“I love you, mi amor — from our first kiss I was lost in you already — so much so that it scared me — afraid if I lost you, I would lose myself too. I know we both put away criminals for a living, but I was never scared of dying — I was scared of losing you.” he shakes his head, “But it doesn’t scare me anymore. It doesn’t scare me because losing you was the worst thing to ever happen to me. And I don’t want to ever lose you again.” 

He pulls a ring from his pocket. 

Time slows as you stare at it — wondering if you blink that it would disappear from between his fingers. It still somehow glinted in the low light of your dimmers — as shiny as his eyes were as he gazed up at you. 

You had dreamed of this moment — far too many times — a time where Rafael would come around, finally see you for who you were, find the worth in you like the way you saw it in him. A sweeping moment where he would be down on one knee, asking for your hand, and it would be simple and perfect — but nothing is ever perfect. And nothing is ever simple. 

You cover your mouth, “Wh—” 

“Marry me,” he says, whispering your name with the reverence you had always wished he would, “I got the ring from my mom — she already gave us her blessing — she said I was an idiot for letting you in the first place.” he offers a weak smile. 

“Raf—” 

“Just let me finish, before you make a decision,” he licks his lips, eyes glassy, insistent in his words, as if he was hanging his life on each one, “Come away with me — we can start over, away from politics and baggage — find a place somewhere outside the city. You always said you wanted to open your own practice someday, have a family. We can do that, you and me together,” he builds this perfect life from scratch — and you see it — you saw it before: a house in the suburbs, a picket fence, and a family — you and Rafael, your hands intertwined, together, “We’ll make a home, I’ll find a job without crazy hours, we’ll go on dates, I’ll help you open your own practice. We’ll be together, like before—” 

“But we aren’t together, Rafael— we haven’t been for months,” 

“I know, I know—” 

“No, you don’t,” you step back away from him, scrubbing your hand down your face, “this isn’t a movie, you can’t break my heart and come back months later telling me you made a mistake.” 

“Mi amor—” 

“No, no ‘mi amor’ — not when you played with my feelings for years, not when you said no at every turn, not when you dropped my heart like it was glass and crushed it beneath the heel of your shoes,” you spit back, “I called Dworkin because I didn’t want you to go to jail — nothing more, nothing less.” 

You hear his heart breaking, “I love you—” 

“I don’t,” you don’t let him see the tears falling from your eyes, “I can’t do this again. I can’t uproot my life for someone who could change their mind tomorrow. You had your chance. You lost it.” 

“Don’t say that,” 

“I did,” you wipe away your tears, you’ve cried enough for him, “it’s over. I don’t know what else will make it clearer to you.” 

“Look at me, please, look—” and you whirl on him, and you see him on his knees still — “Tell me you don’t love me — say that you don’t. And I’ll leave.” 

“I don’t love you anymore, Rafael,” and you wished that your words were truer than they were — that those words didn’t hurt as much to say as they were to hear. But they did and they were. You wanted to hate him, you hated to have no inch of remorse, but feelings were always two fold — and with anger came passion, with sadness came joy, and with hate came love. And the lines blurred until they were no more. And as much as you wanted to hate him — you knew you didn’t. 

But you had to say that you did. 

Because you couldn’t do this again for him to change his mind again — your heart couldn’t take that. You didn’t deserve to take that. 

And there was nothing left to be said. 

He slowly rises from his knees, tucking the ring into his pocket, along with the broken pieces of his heart. 

You should let him leave without another word, you should let him leave without having to look at your face, you should let him leave — but a part of you doesn’t want to let go, a part of you doesn’t want to believe this will be the last time you see his face or hear his voice. 

But still you ask, “Are you leaving New York?”

He nods, “I am — I can’t stay here.” 

“Where are you going?” A part of you wonders if he’ll just ignore you, rush out of the door — let you wonder about his plans, wonder about him — but you know you’ll do that anyway. 

You find him softly smiling, unable to quite meet your gaze, and he steps towards you, slowly, allowing you the time and space to step away — but you don’t, you can’t — not when this may be the last time you can touch him — but it was your choice to have this be the last time. 

“I don’t know,” he replies, leaning forward slowly to press a kiss to your forehead, his lips lingering only a moment, his fingers brushing your cheek, “but you don’t need to worry about that. Goodbye… mi amor.” 

“Goodbye, Rafael,” you whisper, unable to watch him leave — not again.

[unprofessional-bard]

Chapter 12 - The Development, Pt. I

Losing My Religion Series Masterlist

Unprofessional Bard's Masterlist

Previous Chapter • Next Chapter

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female!Reader/OC

Warnings: TW for homophobia, homophobic guy gets kicked in the balls. mostly angst: tense situations, back story reveal (hints to disturbing cult activities/religious trauma??). smut: vulnerable/desperate sex, reader and joel being in love and soft w each other.

Summary: The reader and Joel unintentionally get more tangled up with Kiki and Ward –going on patrols, doing town duties with them etc.– which leaves the reader frustrated.

Word Count: 7.060

Author's Note: I feel like I proofread this 500 times but my apologies if it still sucks 😭

Enjoy!

"I think we earned a small break, don't you think so, Captain?" Kurt extended a beer bottle to you.

"I guess so, colonel," You offered a vague smile and reluctantly took the bottle from him.

"Oh, c'mon, cheer up (Y/N)!" Kurt put an arm around you and chuckled ironically. "It's the 4th of July..."

"Sure," You patted his back but appreciated his enthusiasm nevertheless. "It just doesn't sit right with me that all these other people in the QZ don't have the- the luxury we have."

"Oh, I know," Kurt let his arm go and nodded bitterly. "It ain't just, but there's not much we can do."

You nodded as well: "Well, be back in 5, gotta go piss."

Kurt laughed heartily and waved his hand at you as you walked away from the open area to wash your face, hoping to wash away the guilt as well. It was your first time in a different QZ– Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania to be more specific and you weren't exactly having a good time. A big part of your company was wiped out, which had ultimately triggered your survivor's guilt. The situation was out of your control when hunters, bandits and a surprise horde of infected got involved; everyone acknowledged how there wasn't anything you could do, except for yourself. It had been 5 years into this apocalyptic mess, yet you still had trouble adjusting to it... but then again, no one ever really did.

When you reached the shared toilet areas, there were only three cabins. One was occupied, one was completely empty without the toilet itself and the other was simply too dirty.

You heard heavy breathing from the occupied cabin, and instinctively decided to knock on the door to make sure the person inside was alright: "Hey, is everything..."

The moment you knocked the second time on the door, it opened just a smidge to reveal two men kissing, which made you gasp loudly and step back while alerting them.

"Oh god! I'm so sorry–"

"Oh shit–!"

You went to close the door, but immediately decided to turn around in panic, thinking: Fuck, fuck, fuck!

"I'm really sorry! I just wanted to use the toilet since the others are, well– Uh–"

"Fuck, what are we going to–" You heard one of them speak, panicked.

"Relax, it'll be fine," The other one reassured.

"Look, it's uh–" You tried again, slowly turning to walk out of there. "I wasn't here, we never saw each other, okay?"

"No, wait!" You felt a ghostly hand on your arm, but he didn't grab it, just tapped once to get your attention. "Please, you can't tell anyone!"

You raised your hands up mid air to do a stop gesture, trying to get him and his partner to calm down: "No, of course I won't!"

"Wait," The other man with blue eyes stepped out of the cabin. "You won't? You don't mind... us?"

"Mind you? It's none of my business to begin with," You assured both of them. "What happened here stays between us– hell, I wasn't even here as we speak."

"Thank you," He smiled and saw the way he clung onto his partner's –whom you noticed had hazel fleeing to green eyes– hand with his fingers. "Most people around here don't... appreciate us."

You nodded bitterly, a small, sad smile on your face: "I'm so sorry, I wish I could do something for the both of you–"

"What's going on here then?" A deep voice called from behind you, when you noticed a little too late how the man with green eyes' expression shifted to one of fear.

You turned around to meet a face you weren't familiar with: "Why do you wish to know?"

"Why do I wish t–" The guy gave you an incredulous look, interrupted himself and asked. "Identify yourselves."

"Corporal Robin Lazewski," Said the man with the blue eyes.

"Sergeant Cole Doxon." Green eyes followed.

"And you, missy?" The man stood before you at arms length with a sneer.

"Captain," You corrected him. "(Y/N) (L/N). Who might you be?"

The man's sneer disappeared when he realised your ranks were the same, but he still looked displeased: "Captain Phillip Moore. Now, I'll ask you again. What are you doing here?"

The question was more directed at Robin and Cole rather than you, and you knew why, so you stepped in: "Nothing that should worry you, Captain."

"Oh, but I know what's been going on. Had my eye on you two for awhile now enough to know exactly what type of people you are."

"These men are from my company, Captain," You intervened again, lying through your teeth without thinking about the consequences. "If you have a complaint, we can gladly take this up to Colonel Kurt Greenwood, as he is our superior."

The name made Phillip take a step back, clearly making him nervous: "Tsk, no thanks. Don't need to get more involved with your kind."

"If you wanna say something, mister, go right ahead," You growled and took a step forward, risking the possibility of a few days of detention without hesitation. The tension thickened, and thickened, and thickened then finally...

————

"Woah, wait, you just lied out of your ass to him?" Ellie suddenly interrupted you.

"Yeah," You sighed. "If he knew that they were actually from Pittsburgh I would've been... fucked."

"Shit," Ellie sighed. "Guy didn't even know his own soldiers... and then?"

"He said a few unkind words about them, and, well, I kicked him in the balls."

"Are you serious?" Ellie's eyes grew wider, beginnings of a laugh bubbling up in her chest.

"Hell yeah," You offered her your first smile the whole time you'd been lying in your bed together. She came to visit you for the evening, which was no doubt Joel's idea but it was nice of him of course, and ultimately decided to stay the night like you both did from time to time. Your husband, on the other hand, went to stay over at Tommy's to give you both some space.

"Dolly, you were both awesome and out of your mind! What if he caught you? Did they find out?" She asked, squirming where she laid.

"I got away with kicking him at that moment, got the boys out of there and went straight to Kurt." You put an arm under your pillow: "Told him we had to make a transfer, explained the reason. He got mad at me, sure, but he had some connections in the QZ. Later on the guy made a complaint about all of us, but all Kurt said was: Maybe you should worry more about the people suffering in the QZ rather than two people kissing. Maybe then, you can control these uprisings."

"Man," She giggled. "I wish I met Kurt– all of your team. You all were so fucking cool."

You gave her a crooked smile, the pains of your old wounds hurting as if they were new: "He was right, too." She gave you a curious look. "There are more important things people should worry themselves with rather than town gossip, like survival and keeping Jackson running."

Ellie averted her eyes at your words: "Yeah..."

"Look, I may not have the same fierceness I did when I was 25, but that's never going to stop me from kicking someone's balls if they disrespect you." She huffed a brief laugh at your words: "Jokes aside... You know, you can tell Joel, right?"

"Ugh, I don't wanna think about it," She groaned and turned to the right, face directed at the ceiling.

"Take your time. I'm not saying you should tell him, just letting you know that you can, if you want to."

"Sure, thanks..." She stared at the wall for awhile, the moonlight shining directly onto her beautiful features. After a while, she said: "I don't feel like he's being too honest with me, actually."

Your heart skipped a beat at her words: "How do you mean?"

She took her time with her reply: "He ever talked to you about what happened? Before we got here?"

"Not much."

"What about my... immunity?" Her eyes shifted to yours.

You felt like a piece of shit lying to her, making the burden on your shoulder get heavier. The bed felt like it could swallow you when you spoke nonchalantly: "Again, not much. Told me there were a dozen or so more immune people, that they ran some tests and–"

"Yeah, he took me out of there. Unconscious." She sighed and you felt like your uneasiness was showing, but actually you kept your composure. "Do you really believe that?"

This time you took a bit long to answer, walking over the minefield with careful steps: "I'm... I don't know, I'm not really buying it." She gave you a worried look: "But it isn't my business to interfere, either. I really don't know what to tell you."

Ellie just nodded and continued staring at the ceiling afterwards: "I just wish..."

"Yeah?"

"Nevermind."

You nodded, glad the conversation didn't go where you thought it would, relaxing into the mattress: "I heard Tommy brought you one of the comics you were dying to read."

"Yeah," She quietly took a deep breath.

"And? D'you like it?"

"I did actually," She seemed more enthusiastic than a moment ago, which made you relax even more. "But there was another cliffhanger! It wasn't the final volume!"

The next morning Joel stopped by briefly to get his stuff for patrol, kissed you goodbye while you were having breakfast with Ellie, then left. That's when she spoke up: "So? What are we doing today?"

"We?" You raised a brow.

"I got a day off, and you look miserable," She commented. "Not about to let that go to waste, so..."

"I was just planning on lying down for a bit."

"You've been lying down for ever, it's time you did something else!"

"Ellie I really don't have the energy for– for anything, right now." You sighed and helped her with the dishes.

"So... you also don't have the energy for the new game Jesse brought?" She side eyed you, offering a mischievous smile.

You hated feeling like this, not being able to do things with people you cared about because you simply couldn't. Everyone was understanding, of course, but you hated how this feeling had become a part of you overtime; way before you had reached Jackson, and before the death of your family. You even found comfort in it to a certain level, but if you could, you'd gladly get rid of it with a single snap of your fingers.

"I'd like nothing more honestly," You wiped your hands on a small towel on the counter and looked at her: "But we'll see, you know how I get."

If there was someone who helped you get back on your feet as quickly as Ellie and Joel, it was Maria – and Tommy.

But sometimes you really doubted if Maria truly was a maker of right decisions.

It was your first patrol with Ellie where you two went outside, very much like the patrols you took on, but it was still a bit new for her. She wanted to get involved with the patrols sooner than Joel liked: She's too young, it's too early for her, he'd say, but even though it's no age for her to be even seeing the stuff she saw, going through everything she went through, you were on Ellie's side on the matter. She was capable of handling patrols with you, or Joel and others; she was also more skilled than all the kids her age, but a part of you also wanted to keep her safe behind the walls of Jackson.

After a lot of reasoning with Joel, you had managed to convince him and were on your way to start the ski lodge route with Ellie. Maria had told you you'd be meeting with a couple of other people to do a sweep afterwards, but she was hesitant to tell you who. You knew something was afoot, for Maria never was a person to mince her words; it initially gave you an idea about who might be waiting for you, but at least you had Ellie to help calm your nerves. You hitched your horses at the entrance, then walked through the doors. Your jaw clenched and your posture visibly tensed when your theories were proven right and you saw who was inside.

Kiki and Ward.

You internally cringed when you made eye contact with Ward, who was... talking with Joel?

What the fuck is going on?

"'bout time!" Tommy appeared out of nowhere, startling you. "You're half an hour late, we were startin' to get worried."

"What's going on?" Ellie spoke instead of you.

"Well, we'll be heading back," He patted Ellie on the shoulder. "While the others'll do a sweep."

"But we just got here?" Ellie protested. "I thought Dolly and I–"

"Yeah, Tommy, what the fuck?" You whispered and stepped closer to him.

He huffed, it was his signature I'm just gonna put it out here so listen carefully stance: "Maria asked that you solve the issue between you and Ward."

"She didn't ask me shit, Tommy, just told me to get my ass over here. Without a heads up." You sighed and he gave you an apologetic shrug: "She's right, but is patrol really the right time for this?"

"Just shake hands and try to get along, you're partnered up with him."

Your eyes widened: "Tommy–"

"It'll be fine, (Y/N), don't worry." He said reassuringly. "Walt and Bruce went over to the back, you can fetch them and start. C'mon Ellie."

She squeezed your hand in an encouraging manner and followed Tommy out. You rubbed your face and ran a hand through your hair, then finally turned and walked over to the three: "Alright, I'll go get Walt and Bruce, then we can go."

"Sure," Joel offered a small smile and got up from where he was sitting with Kiki, but Ward remained seated with his arms crossed. You took it as an indication to wait for the others to leave so you two could finally talk.

"Well..." You said awkwardly.

"I'm sorry for punching you," He said, straight out, without dwelling on anything. "I get ahead of myself sometimes. I can't really control it when I get angry, I– I never knew how to. It was my only way to survive... and protect Kiki."

You blinked several times at how genuine he was, even his hard expression was softened to some point: "It's, uh– it's okay. Thank you, and sorry, for your nose I mean. It was a reflex."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," He nodded and got up, towering over you, then extended a hand over to you. "We're good?"

"Sure, 'course," You nodded and shook his hand. He pursed his lips and walked out, leaving you a little stunned. You immediately sighed in relief and made your way to the back room, where your memories of fucking with Joel resurfaced and made you smile a little.

"Alright, c'mon you guys, let's go–" You walked into the room and right then, you heard panicked shuffling with a gasp. When you understood what was going on, you immediately stepped back outside: "Oh, woah–."

Were they making out?

If you were honest, you saw it coming, but it still came as a shock. You debated on whether you should leave or stay, but when you heard the panicked voices from inside, you stood there, waiting to apologise as soon as they walked out. It was Walt who opened the door first.

"Dolly– Listen," He was calmer than he sounded back inside. "You... I mean..."

"Look, let me just say this: It's none of my business, and I won't tell anyone, so... It's okay. We can pretend this never happened."

He blinked, a bit dumbfounded: "You don't mind?"

"Walt, of course not. As I said, it's none of my business."

It was then, when Bruce walked out shyly: "You seriously won't go tell anyone?"

At that, you chuckled and looked away, your eyes watering at the memory of Robin and Cole you had told Ellie: "You guys are safe with me– in Jackson. I know some people aren't very open minded here, but just know that you have my support."

Walt suddenly hugged you tightly. You took a second, but immediately returned it with a gentler one: "It's okay."

"Thank you (Y/N)," Bruce smiled sincerely.

"It's the least anyone can do – show basic human decency," You said and smiled back after Walt pulled back. "Come on now, we're already late."

The three of you acted as if nothing happened, but the couple couldn't help the smiles spread on their faces.

"Alright, Doll," Joel began explaining once you stepped to his side to get on your horse. Tommy and Ellie were long gone: "Maria asked us to show 'em how we do our patrols..."

"But?" You already didn't like how Maria picked you two for them, so you scrunched your face up lightly.

"You'll be going with Ward, I'll be going with–"

"Kiki." The name left your mouth with clear discomfort. Joel huffed at your worrisome expression and rubbed your arm soothingly.

"I rightly don't know why we're even assigned with them," Joel kissed your temple gently. "But it'll be fine, sweetheart. C'mon, we have places to cover."

You gave his hand a light squeeze and tried not to look as troubled as you felt inside when you both rode up to the couples, then went separate ways. You were quite surprised Ward actually let Kiki go with someone else– with Joel, but you kept it to yourself.

"So, I presume Tommy or Maria, or someone must've filled you in on how patrol works?" You began once your horses had slowed down the long path.

"Sort of, yeah. Joel and Tommy explained how logbooks work."

"Well, I'll start of with three things you must stick to, then– always. One: Stealth is key to everything. Keep quiet and don't draw any attention to yourself. Two: Your partner is technically your life support. You don't leave them behind, but back them up when they get into trouble and plan routes or approach tactics together. Three: If you come across anything you can't handle– anything at all, you bring your ass back to town."

"Yes ma'am," It was the first time you saw him offer the smallest smile, which softened his hardened features.

For awhile, you rode quietly, until he asked: "Say... Where you from?"

You raised a brow at his question: "Well, would you believe me if I said I don't remember?"

"How is that possible?" He tsked.

"I– I don't know," You chuckled with a hint of bitterness. "I only remember moving to San Francisco with my parents when I was... Around two?"

"Oh so you're a Californian..."

"Well, I suppose. What–" You saw the weird expression on his face: "Where are you from?"

"Idaho."

"Oh, and you're a potato farmer!"

You both shared a chuckle when he continued: "I wish that was the case. Would've traded everything to have been a potato farmer my whole life than..."

"Than what?"

"The shit I went through ever since the world fell apart."

You shrugged: "Don't we all?"

"I don't know about you, but none of those people in there –except for Kiki– would've preferred living as farmers..."

"What are you talking about?"

He took a deep breath to calm his nerves, broke eye contact and his whole stance changed. It took him a few silent moments, but he spoke eventually: "When the infection took over, a small church in our town offered food and protection to everyone there. They barricaded the whole town in a short time, a lot of people died in the process, but we actually made a safe environment– not as strong and well protected like here, though. The infected weren't occupying that part of the city too much, either, so we just made decent living... But in time, the priest of the church started controlling the community. In months everyone was on their knees praying– beggin' for forgiveness for their sins so that they survive this shit..."

"Oh..." You flinched, feeling sorry for him, your heartbeat picking up in worry. You were also unintentionally expecting him to get this story somewhere, pull out a gun and shoot you, or stab you with his knife– you were expecting an Axel case. They might have come all this way just to avenge a loved one who you might have killed, and even though your mind screamed that the scenario had no way of making sense, you still kept your hand on your pistol which was strapped to the side of your thigh that he couldn't see.

"It was fucked up, and I was young, I had no choice but to follow my parents... They died years later and that was when I met Kiki. She was so pretty, and– and kind to me. I really liked her, we were around... 18 and 20 at the time, I think. She helped me mourn my parents, we made really good company. Soon I realised I was falling in love with her."

Hearing these words from him freaked you out a little, if you were honest, because they didn't look very in love; but you were also curious about what the hell had happened to them.

"A year or so later we, uh– Understand this, we had to keep it a secret. If the priest didn't see a couple fit, they'd get punished, but if he did, he'd force them to... Have children, to– y'know."

You couldn't hide the disgust on your face, but he was too focused on somewhere else to notice it, the sorrow and trauma on his face making you feel bad for him.

"We didn't know if we were more scared of the punishment, or Kiki getting pregnant– neither of us wanted a child, we were so young..."

For a moment he looked guilty for saying that, but when you reassured him that you understood, he still looked guilty and regretful: "Naturally."

"Not too long later people started picking up on what type of relationship we had. One time one of the priest's..." A suden wave of rage washed over him– He spat out the next word: "Whores, caught us hugging each other, then we were brought before the priest. He didn't see us fit because we didn't take anyone's permission to get together."

Your brows also drew closer in anger as you listened: "I'm really sorry you two had to go through that."

"It doesn't matter, it was long ago; we escaped, and now we're here," Ward suddenly fixed his posture, looking thoughtful and upset at the same time. The conversation had come to an end.

"Listen, if you ever wanna talk to someone," You spoke hesitantly. "Our head doc Katherine holds weekly, uh, conversations," You couldn't bring yourself to say therapy, even though he'd find out sooner or later.

"I don't– I don't wanna talk about it," He huffed angrily and side eyed you where he sat.

"You seem like you need to, is all I'm saying," You ran a hand through your hair, wiping some sweat off your forehead in the meanwhile. "It's okay to do that, y'know."

"I don't need it!" He growled and turned his head towards you in a harsh motion. "I don't need your– stupid conversations–"

"Hey," You pulled on the reins in your hand, hard, and came to a stop. He mirrored your movements when you growled back: "Those stupid conversations actually help people. They saved god knows how many townsfolk, and participating in them doesn't make you less of a man."

"That's not what this is about."

Sure you wanted to counter, the look of offense in his face telling you everything you had to know, but kept your tongue: "I just suggested you could go, nobody's forcing you to! Keep it in the corner of your mind if you want, I don't care what you do."

With that you started riding again, missing the look of regret and worry on his face. When he reached your side a few moments later, he spoke quietly, softer: "You're right, I'm sorry."

You nodded: "Try not to take things personally, we're not your enemies. We're just trying to help."

The rest of the ride was quiet, but the good outcome of both you and Joel's pairing with the couple unfortunately had a bad outcome for you. Maria asked you and Joel to be patient and stick to them for a month or so– at least until they start to really fit in. You had to accept, thinking of how when you first came here Walt had switched his partner's because he was the first person one to get along with you.

The problem was, you weren't exactly getting along with them, or Kiki more precisely.

You didn't know if it was because of your pride or your reluctance to make a scene about it, but you kept quiet about your suspicions about how Kiki undeniably took a liking to Joel. When you subtly asked a question about how Kiki behaved on patrol, he nonchalantly explained how she picked up pretty quickly and appeared to be a much more normal person; but you left out the bit that whenever you or her husband appeared, she'd hiss like a cat.

Maybe you were simply jealous that a pretty woman like Kiki was hitting on Joel, even though you never doubted his intentions for a second. He seemed very oblivious to her and your hints at what you wanted to say, and that was pretty much your only way of finding comfort.

Ward, on the other hand, always looked at the brink of a breakdown when it got too quiet between you two. Joel also asked about how he was whenever you discussed the pair, and when you mentioned their background and how troubled he looked ever since, he raised a brow. He also mentioned how Kiki started wearing t-shirts throughout the week –sleeveless clothing– and he thought it had to do with some sort of survival condition related trauma, while you had other theories.

Theories that you, once more, kept to yourself.

Because there were always two ends on situations like this: Your theories were correct – she was right all along! or, you thought too much of it – you're so dramatic!

It was a little frustrating, not being able to tell these to any memebers of your family, except for Ellie, who came to understand– probably better than Joel or the others would.

"Yikes, I'm sorry, Dolly," She looked troubled at your worrisome expression when you finally broke and told her about your suspicions.

"Morton's fucking fork," You sighed and ran a hand through your hair nervously. "I honestly don't know what to do, it's too early to say anything but at the same time I feel like it'll be too late if I keep it to myself."

"Well, no matter what happens," She rubbed your shoulder reassuringly. "I'll be by your side. Always."

The words caught you off guard, the frustration of bottled up feelings and the subconscious weight of keeping the truth about what happened with the Fireflies from Ellie finally shattering and setting a few drops of tears free.

"Thank you– Oh, Ellie," She hugged you where she stood while you remained seated on your chair in the kitchen. "What would I do without you?"

"I know, I'm the light of your life," She joked, which made you chuckle briefly.

"Look, I also want you to know that–" You pulled back and took her hands in yours, then looked her straight in the eyes: "That I'd do anything for you. Whatever happens, I'll be on your side too, even if I can't intervene."

An emotional scene between a girl who found her mother figure, and a broken soldier longing for a deeper sense of tranquility eventually finding it in a girl– something she thought she'd never find.

"Christ, Joel," You immediately got up from where you were sitting in the living room and ran up to your husband as soon as you saw his dirty, tired state. It was god knows what in the morning but you couldn't sleep, thoughts of Kiki and Joel keeping you up for the second time ever since your mutual patrols started three and a half weeks ago.

"What're you still doin' up?" You carefully looked him up and down with worried eyes and ignored his exhausted sigh. You quickly but carefully hugged him, burying your face into the crook of his neck.

"Are you hurt?" You asked quietly after he immediately put his arm around your waist.

"Nope, just sore," He closed his eyes. "And a little dirty. Why aren't you asleep?"

You pulled back slowly and looked into his eyes, shrugging: "Couldn't sleep. And good thing I didn't."

"Dolly..."

"C'mon, let's get you cleaned up." You tugged on his large hand and led him up to your bathroom. After you arranged the tub to fill, you helped undress him, his pale face and tired eyes made you put extra effort to be as delicate as possible.

"You wanna talk about it?" You said after dropping his t-shirt into the laundry basket, while he took off his pants beside the door.

"There ain't much to talk about. We just..." You could feel your heart beat in your ears as you took his pants from him and repeated your motion, but froze in your place when he spoke again: "She saved me."

Your brows shot up quickly and the ache of keeping them crossed in a worried expression for so long immediately made its presence known: "My flashlight gave out, was tryin' to shake it back to life when a stalker grabbed me."

Joel scratched the back of his neck and lowered his head while you just stared and moved towards him slowly, his voice quiet: "I felt its– Its teeth on my neck right before Kiki jumped on it."

"Joel..." You sighed the moment you stopped walking, whispered, gulped and realised how bad your throat ached. He raised his head and gave you an utterly wrecking look, which immediately triggered you to walk over to him and hug him. His arms quickly shot up and wrapped themselves around your back. He buried his face into your neck this time and your hands ran through his hair, caressing the back of his neck soothingly. The way his arms embraced you was tight, but not enough to crush you– just enough to remind you where you belonged.

Home. That's what you felt like.

For the first time in many, many years, you finally found home again.

That exact feeling that made your eyes blurry with tears had struck first after fifteen years into the apocalypse, and it was the night after a particularly tough mission to handle some hunters around the area. The team had almost lost Kurt and Robin, the fear had been very overwhelming. The intensity of it all was nerve-wracking for everyone, so when Robin was back with Cole, they broke down crying in each other's arms. You couldn't bare to see them like that, so you joined with quiet whimpers and hugged them where they sat on the ground. Slowly, the rest of the group had joined, and when finally Kurt put his arms around you and them, everyone calmed down. That was home.

Family.

You inhaled his scent with tears in your eyes and a barbed wire around your throat, then hugged him tighter; the realisation of what might have happened had Kiki not been there washing over you like a tidal wave. All these months of doubting her– maybe you misunderstood her? Were you too cruel to Kiki in your mind? You sure as hell owed her now, you were more than grateful for what she did.

A sharp intake of breath from Joel and the warm wetness you felt on your neck confirmed that he was crying, so you turned your head a little to kiss his neck softly. It was rare that Joel cried, let alone open up like this, so you let him cry on your shoulder for as log as he needed. He didn't make a sound other than his occasional sniffs and sighs.

"I need you (Y/N)," He murmured after calming down a few minutes later, slowly shifting his arms downwards and kissing you deeply, pulling you flush against him. You kissed back, sighing into his mouth and slithering your hands down his back to the waistband of his underwear. You devoured each other at the doorway while the tub was still filling, the chilly yet still warm July night creating a thin layer of sweat between your bodies. He softly pushed you up against the doorframe, and his movements became more rushed the more your tongues danced against each other.

"Joel, baby wait," You pulled back and he stopped immediately. "The bath..."

You kissed a tear that was hanging on the edge of his cheek and reluctantly slipped away from his hold to turn the faucet off, and before you could turn back around, you felt his hands slowly sneak their way under your shirt and smiled softly at the feel. You turned completely, while he carefully walked you over to the counter and pushed you against the edge between the two sinks. He started peppering urgent kisses on your neck, making you sigh a quiet moan as your eyes closed, his hands roaming your body and eventually taking off the sleeveless undershirt off of you.

"What about the– the bath?" You barely managed to ask when he softly bit and kissed on the skin of your breasts, then moved down to tug your shorts down your legs.

"Later," He groaned when he saw the sight before him and immediately went to suck a few marks around your breasts, gently biting your nipples the way you liked it. You moaned and wrapped a leg around his waist so you could have his erection pressing directly against your pussy.

He lifted you up slightly and sat you on the cold counter, making you sigh as he settled between your legs, pulling his underwear off only for his erection to spring against your inner thigh. He was getting harder by the second, but before he lined himself up, he made sure you were taken care of to begin with. While massaging your inner thighs, he carefully bit and sucked on your neck, rubbing the tip of his cock between your slick folds in the meantime. You moaned quietly at his ministrations, his hands feeling wonderful around your legs.

After a while, you reached for his length and lined him up, allowing him to push in. You let out a soft moan by his ear and he did the same when he dived into your depths, then wrapped your arms around his shoulders and legs around his waist. He growled, grabbed at your hips and thighs and started off with a slow but somehow rushed pace.

What you liked about a slower pace, first and foremost, was how you could feel everything Joel had to offer and how much more relaxed and focused he was. You liked it when he took his time, making sure you felt every inch and vein of his length– You also liked the tension building up more this way. With the patrols and chores taking up most of your constantly changing schedules, sex had started to become a bit of luxury again, too.

Your eyes opened slowly when he called your name desperately– moaned it. You slowly pulled back from your hug and looked him in the eyes, then kissed him deeply, his rhythm stable but the snap of his hips started to become harsher. His grip on your hips were equally desperate and bruising, but you liked it; it was also your own way of assuring yourself that Joel was still here, with you.

His pace picked up the more your tongues swayed together, then his hand went to the hair on your scalp and massaged the skin there, making you throw your head back and clench down on him with a mewl. Groaning, he kissed and bit all over your neck again, the skin slapping against skin making both of you near the edge.

He suddenly pulled out and away, gently helped you off the counter and turned you around. In one motion, he buried himself deep inside you again and moaned. You arched your back and he pulled your hair into a ponytail, then placed solid, sloppy kisses on your shoulders as he fucked you from behind.

"Shit– Joel," You gasped when he grabbed at your breasts, arms crossed and slammed into you particularly hard. He was getting closer with each passing minute.

"(Y/N)..." He groaned and pressed you down against the counter, trapping you between the cold surface and his hairy, broad chest while sneaking a hand down to your clit. He slammed into you three more times, which made you moan brief but loud ahs and ohs each time; your hands clawing against his hips and arms, leaving your own marks, throwing him over the edge when he thought about the pleasure he felt when your nails digged into his skin.

You both came with loud moans and held onto each other tightly, Joel pulling out the last second even though he really, really wanted to come inside you at that moment: He would never do it without your permission and talking about it first, but the topic was never brought up by either of you.

Panting while coming down your high, you were as disappointed as Joel was when he didn't fill you up with his thick cock– you were also as cautious as your husband about this, and maybe it was finally time to discuss it.

After recollecting yourselves, you both moved into the lukewarm water in comfortable silence, Joel laying against you between your legs and holding onto your hands which you had wrapped around his chest in a hug, resting his head against your own.

Some time later, when you felt yourself dozing off, Joel hummed quietly: "If you're gonna sleep let's move to bed."

"How did you..."

"Your heartbeat got real slow, figured you were dozin' off," He slowly got up with a phantom smile on his lips and looked into your sleepy eyes. This small gesture made you smile back, and after he took your hand in his and placed a loving kiss on your knuckles, you got cleaned and out of the bath. There was much to be said, but sleep overcame you both as soon as you laid on the soft, inviting mattress.

The next morning, Joel had some business in town with Tommy while it was your day off, so you both had the opportunity to talk during breakfast. After some discussion and honesty about how you felt towards Kiki, Joel figured there'd be nothing a good dinner wouldn't fix. You had to agree because of your self-doubt, maybe this dinner would help you understand Kiki's intentions better, and it would also be your way of thanking her for saving Joel.

"I have to tell you somethin', but promise me–" Joel chewed on his scrambled eggs after your reluctant agreement to the dinner. "–You won't get mad?"

You rolled your eyes and offered a small smirk after finishing your bite: "When do I ever get mad at you?"

"Oh?" He raised a brow. "Well, I was startin' to think you were jealous of Kiki, is all."

Your mouth fell open in a silent gasp: "I am no such thing! Joel Miller–"

"Oh boy," He took a sip off his coffee, having made his point.

You took a deep breath, rolled your eyes while they were closed and grabbed your own cup: "Look, I'm not jealous, I just..."

"Just what?"

You chewed on your lower lip while staring two holes into the cup in your hands, took your time to think: "I'm just worried."

"What's got you worried, sweetpea?" His expression immediately softened as he leaned forward, the pet name easing the tension in your heart a little.

"They're– really odd, okay?" You spoke quietly, occasionally meeting his eyes. "Doesn't it bother you just how different they act when they're not around each other?"

"Where're you gettin' with this?"

"I just don't want another Axel case." The room fell to a deafening silence when you said his name, but you continued when he didn't say anything: "Look, I simply can't help but think they're trying to get close to us on purpose."

"Oh darlin'," His eyes widened slightly as he got off his chair and stood beside you in a quick motion, putting his warm hands on your bare shoulders. "I understand what's got you all worried, but I'm sure this is all because of Maria puttin' us together for patrol. Don't worry your pretty little head with all o' that." He pressed you against his body in a hug, gently massaging your shoulders as he did: "Now, I gotta get goin', but when I come back I'll do somethin' to ease all that stress built up in these strong muscles of yours, huh?" He softly digged his fingers into your shoulder blades, making you sigh as you realised they were indeed very stiff. He offered a soft smile: "Agreed?"

"Agreed." You forced a smile in return, trying not to worry like he said. It was Joel, after all; if he said you had nothing to worry about, then you probably didn't...

... But that didn't mean you were going to shut out your gut feelings altogether. It was your instincts that always saved your ass when you were unsure about situations like this, or when you got in trouble with people in general. You could always beat yourself up for overthinking too much and being so doubtful of them, but for now, you were going to keep your guard up at all times and keep them at arm's length.

————

tags: @spideysimpossiblegirl @joelsgeetar @sherry-212 @peachymelon69

[smol-and-grumpy]

EUPHORIA - Chapter 24

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: He’s Dean Winchester, owner of a shady night club. She’s a journalist who has been asked to write an article to expose the indecency and debauchery that’s going on behind closed doors. But he’s also Dean Winchester, the boy who sat next to her in class. The boy who was too cocky for his own good.

Chapter Warning: NSFW, flangst

WC: 2824

A/N: This chapter fills my ‘voice kink’ square for @spnkinkbingo.

Beta’d by @deanwanddamons <3

This series is complete on Patreon!

Series Masterlist ~ SPN Masterlist

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He’s pissed and overly grumpy. It’s too fucking early to be dealing with bullshit. But he’s also grumpy because he had to see Y/N off.

Walking around the corner, Cas’ notices him and nods. 

“Again?” Dean asks, sees them washing down the red paint. It looks bloody and it smells awful. It almost made him nauseous.

“Yeah,” Cas sighs, “It’s nothing I couldn’t deal with, so I didn’t feel the need to call you.”

“That’s okay,” Dean crosses his arms over his chest, watches the paint come off the walls before he turns to Cas, “Security footage?”

“We got it,” Cas says, but he doesn’t look happy about it so Dean already knows that it’s probably not even worth mentioning, “The guy wore a Vendetta mask and was dressed in black.”

“Great,” Dean breathes out, his hand goes up to rub at his forehead. There’s a puddle of paint running down the pavement towards him, and he takes a step to the side.

It’s moments like these that Dean wants to give up completely. That he wants to just sell the whole fucking thing and go do something else, being a fucking accountant for the firm Sam’s working in or just something that’s less stressful. Somewhere where he has to deal with less hate, maybe. Less jealousy. 

He places a hand on Cas’ shoulder, “You go home and get some shut eye. I’ll see you for the briefing later,” 

“‘K,” Cas answers and turns to walk away. Looking back, he calls out to Dean, “Balth is waiting in your office!”

Dean groans and rolls his eyes at that.

Apparently, he can’t catch a fucking break around here.

*

Dean walks into his office and sees Balthazar sitting on the couch. The man’s busy working on his laptop. A scent of coffee lingers in the air. He must have brought a cup with him because Dean doesn’t have a coffee machine in his office. What he has, though, is a fucking bar and he wonders if it would be too soon to pour himself a couple of fingers? It’s probably five o’clock somewhere , right? 

Even though his mouth waters at the thought of the burning liquid filling his throat and clouding his head, Dean abandons the thought quite quickly. She doesn’t like him to drink. It has a lot to do with how she grew up and Dean respects that, has toned it down since Y/N came back into his life, and he wants to keep that up.

“Balth,” Dean greets the man and walks over to his desk, sits down with a loud grunt, “What can I do for you?”

“How’s your hand?”

“Good.” Dean nods and holds it up, takes a look at it himself.

It’s bandaged. Y/N was telling him that he should let her do it or she’ll get angry at him. He smirks at the memory. He would have loved to say that she could get mad all she wants, because he likes how cute she looks when she’s mad, but he thinks that would have been a bad move on his part, so he just held still while she sat on his lap and bandaged his hand. The lap sitting was a deal he negotiated because he said that he wouldn’t let her if she wouldn’t sit on his lap. She rolled her eyes but sat down and it’s crazy how his lap was made for her to sit on.

Balthazar clears his throat before he closes his laptop, and Dean is catapulted back to reality. Back to an annoying work day. He thinks maybe he should take a break, ask her if she’s game to go on a road trip. Just the two of them, driving where the road takes them with no clear destination. Dean doesn’t think he needs one with her.

“I’ve stayed with Cole after you left.” Balthazar says while he places his laptop back into its bag.

“And?” Dean frowns.

“He won’t press charges,”

Dean snorts, “Yeah, because we have the upper hand.”

It’s no surprise. Dean knew that he wouldn’t. If he would, he’d see his ass in jail and Dean doubts that Cole would survive a day in there. All Dean wanted was to make a statement and he thinks that he was pretty clear about what the statement entailed.

“Still, you should be more careful with breaking bones.” Balthazar gets up from the couch and walks over to the chair across from Dean. He doesn’t sit down, though, only braces his hands on it, leaning in a little.

“He was touching what’s fucking mine, Balth. What do you want me to do?” Dean shouts out and immediately regrets his outburst because it hurt his own ears. He pinches the bridge of his nose. It’s too fucking early. 

When Dean calms down a little, he asks, “So, you had your eyes on him? He wasn’t anywhere near the club?”

“Nope, I drove him to the ER and he underwent surgery to correct his fucking jaw that you broke. He’ll stay there for the next two days, at least.”

“Good,” Dean nods. It’s not exactly good when it comes to the club, though, because Cole’s out of the picture, “Can you get more people on board? I want someone watching the club after closing. It’s a tiny window of time, three, maybe four hours.”

Balthazar nods, “I can do that.”

*

After Balthazar left, Dean decided to start up his computer since he hasn’t checked his emails for a couple of days now. He deliberately doesn’t have his work emails on his phone. It’s his private property and he made it clear from the beginning that he’s separating work and private life.

Dean clicks through the emails. There are some new member sign ups that he needs to go through. Some harmless threats which he usually bins right away. But then there are some mails that are more worrying as well.

He clicks on the first one with the title I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST NIGHT . The email opens up to pictures of the altercation in front of Y/N’s office building. Dean can see that it was shot from across the street. Maybe from a parked car. He immediately forwards the pictures to Balthazar. 

There are more emails. Without pictures though, just words. Hurtful ones. 

  I WILL TAKE YOU AND YOUR CLUB DOWN

  YOU ARE A FUCKING DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING

  SHAME ON YOU

  YOUR CLUB WILL BE CLOSED. MARK MY WORDS

  It’s really nothing new. He gets those threats quite a lot and he always makes sure to block the sender but they keep making new email accounts and so he’ll keep deleting and blocking them. Dean can’t win in this, but neither can they, so at least there’s that.

*

Later in the day, while Dean’s briefing his employees, his phone vibrates in his pocket. He fishes it out, thinks it’s Balthazar calling him about new developments. The man had called earlier already, only to suggest for Dean to get a fucking bodyguard but Dean really doesn’t know about that. He just thinks it’s a waste of money. Only when Balth mentioned that Y/N’s safety might be in danger too, does Dean at least agree to consider it.

Dean stops his speech to look at the caller ID, has to suppress his smirk while he holds up his index finger, “I gotta take this one, Cas?” 

“Yeah,” The other man jumps in, grins himself because he knows, and Dean actually wants to wipe that smile from Cas’ face but he gotta hurry if he wants to take it before she hangs up on him.

Dean turns around, picks it up, smiles like an idiot because apparently, he lost the ability to control his fucking face, “Hey,” Dean walks up the stairs and disappears into the VIP room for some privacy.

“I’m sorry, am I interrupting? You must be busy.” 

It sounds like she’s pouting, Dean bites back a chuckle, “No, it’s okay, you never interrupt. How’s the workshop going?”

He tries to sound cheerful, doesn’t want to tell her about the things that happened yet. There’s no need for her to worry, really. 

“Ugh, boring,” Y/N sighs, and adds, “I have a short break before I have to go for the mandatory dinner.”

Dean flips his wrist, sees that it’s past 5pm. He grins, “You wanna spice things up at the dinner?”

“Dean,”

“What?” He chuckles.

“Well,” Her voice is almost whiny as she considers his words, “Yeah?”

“That’s my girl,” Dean smiles, “Jesus, I’m getting all excited myself.”

Cas appears in the room and Dean nods at him, “Baby, I gotta go, I need to finish something here,”

“Okay,” It sounds like she’s pouting and god, Dean feels bad for making her feel like he doesn’t have time for her or that he doesn’t care when all he’s doing is to make fucking time. But he guesses she’ll understand once they see each other. 

“Wear it and let me know when you’re going to dinner, alright?”

“Yeah,” She sighs, “Miss you.” 

Dean sighs, closes his eyes briefly, his heart flutters at those words. He smiles at the feeling, “I miss you, too.”

Y/N runs up to her room right after dinner, keys in her hand and leans back against the closed door as soon as she’s inside. She’s dripping wet from that vibe but she didn’t come yet. She doesn’t know how Dean does it but he always managed to stop when she’s about to come, making her whine out audibly once, and when Charlie, her friend from college who sat next to her asked what was wrong, she just said that she liked the food very much. 

God, it was so embarrassing!

She thinks about calling him but he’s probably busy working as it’s already past 10pm and the club is at its peak right about now. 

Taking off her shoes, she walks to the bathroom to clean her face and she brushes her teeth,  walking out into the bedroom shortly after. She quickly gets out of her dress and slips out of her panties that are completely soaked. 

The device is still inside of her and clear enough, it starts to buzz again, making her shriek out. She swears if he won’t let her come again—

—her phone rings.

Letting herself fall onto the bed, still in only her bra and nothing else — except for the vibrator in her pussy — she grabs at her clutch that she left there before she walked to the bathroom. 

  Dean.

  The vibrator still buzzes lightly inside of her and she picks up, has to gnaw on her bottom lip to suppress the moan.

“You are the worst!” It blurts out of her as soon as she swipes her thumb across the screen.

“Wait, what?” He’s laughing loudly.

“Yeah,” She pouts and moves up the bed, rests her back against the headboard while she spreads her legs and enjoys the buzzing between her thighs, “You turn me on and then you stop, and I was so close to coming.”

“Awe, poor baby,” Dean says in his mumbling voice and it sounds so fucking sexy, “Are you still turned on?”

“Yeah,” She mutters under her breath, “Please, you have to let me come.” 

“I don’t know,” He chuckles, “Have you been good, Y/N?”

Oh my god , he’s pulling that card, isn’t he? 

“I have. Please?” She nods and whines, teeth sinking into her bottom lip when she feels the buzzing getting stronger, moaning out shamelessly. 

“Christ, you sound so fucking sexy,” 

She can hear him growl on the other end. 

“No, you do,” There’s another increase of vibration and god, it makes her arch her back, as a shrieking sound rolls off her tongue. 

“I do? I don’t think so, sweetheart. I’m getting hard just hearing you moan.”

“It— ah— it’s your v—voice, Dean.”

“My voice? What’s with my voice, baby?” 

And it’s like he’s taunting her because it rolls deep, smooth like fucking honey and it feels like he’s wrapping her up in the warm sound. He increases the vibrations, and she didn’t know it could go further up but it does. One of her hands goes to her tit, kneads at it while she has a tight grip around her phone with the other. 

“Ah— it’s.. Fuck— it’s so deep and gravelly and oh god— it’s sexy,” 

“Yeah?” He chuckles, “Bet you’re so wet, ain’tcha, baby? You always are so wet for me. It’s the fucking best thing. Especially when you gush and come around my cock, Jesus—”

His breathing is ragged, he’s turned on too. 

Good , she thinks. At least she’s not the only one. 

“My panties were soaked. I took them off and now I’m on my bed in only my bra,” She manages to say, tongue darts out to wet her lips, “Wish you were here.” 

“I wish I was there too. Wish I could kiss you. I’d be right between your thighs right now, eating you out like you’re the sweetest thing, because you fucking are,” It comes out a little strained, “Does me telling you these thing turn you on, huh?”

“Yeah,” She chokes out a moan, “You could read me the goddamn phone book and it would turn me on, Dean.”

“Christ, I’m just imagining you right now, all spread out and wet,” There’s a low growl before he speaks again, “Can you do me a favor, huh?”

“Uh-huh,” 

“Use your words, sweetheart,” His voice is more stern. Doesn’t make it less sexy, though.

“Yes,” 

“Good girl,” 

God the praise . Y/N has to press her thighs together, already so fucking close. 

Dean goes on, “Take off your bra for me, baby. Take your thumb and forefinger, give them a firm tug for me, bet your nipples are sensitive, huh? I wanna hear you.”

She sits up to unclasp her bra before she throws it carelessly into the room. Leaning back again, her right hand goes to her left nipple, tugs hard and moans out in pained pleasure. 

“Good girl,” He coos, “Such a fucking good girl,” 

The vibration increases again and she thinks that’s the maximum it can go. Hopes it is, because she’s right there, dancing dangerously on the edge.

“Dean, please, I’m—”

“—I got you, baby,” He breathes out a soft chuckle, “Come, you can come, now. Come for me, okay? I wanna hear you come for me.” His whispering low, and the words paired with his voice, plus the added buzzing in her cunt was enough to tip her over.

Oh god. His voice is really out of his world. She comes with a squeal. His name rolls off her tongue as she squeezes her eyes shut and her legs start to tremble. Her hips buck up and she doubles over and has to roll herself into a fetal position on the bed.

There’s a ringing in her ear from the orgasm and she feels the vibration getting softer until it’s completely gone. Dean’s voice is faint in her ear through the phone.

Good girl. My fucking good girl.

She swallows hard, her eyes are still closed. When Y/N comes back to her senses, she starts to giggle and then she hears it. The knock at her door. 

“What’s so funny?” Dean asks as she sits up straight, startled from the knocking.

“Oh my god, someone just knocked at my door.” She says, her heart’s still pounding fast.

“Go on, open it.” 

“No, who would knock at this time of night? I’m sure they just have the wrong room.” She doesn’t know if she’s trying to talk to him or talk herself out of her anxiety of the realization that someone came knocking at her door late at night.

“Maybe it’s room service?” 

“Dean, I just came from dinner, I didn’t order anything!”

“Jesus Christ, I didn’t think it would be this hard!” Dean growls and she might be hearing things because she hears the deep growl outside of her door? He sighs then, “Baby, I really think you should open up.”

“Oh my god, you didn’t... Dean, no.” She scrambles off the bed, and somehow she doesn’t even care if she’s fucking naked. 

“Dean, yes!” He chuckles lightly, “Come on, I’m standing in the hallway with a visible boner and I think if someone sees it, they’ll call the cops.”

She hangs up and drops the phone onto the bed as she makes her way to the door, opens it up wide to see Dean smiling at her.

Chapter 25

Please share your thoughts with me, I’d love to hear your feedback.

[phoebehalliwell]

Oh could u do Prue/Micah? S4

okay okay okay so we're doing all hallow's eve in early s3 micah's reincarnation does Not show up at the end of the episode because we're saving him for something bigger. but we'll say that something on a later vanquish a physical item triggers something in prue she's like hey does that remind you of anything?? and piper and phoebe are like ??? no? it's just a(n) [item]? and prue's like really? nothing? and they're like idk what does it remind you of and she's like i don't know... the past? samhain, maybe? do you think it's one of our ancestor's? and piper and phoebe are like prue i don't know can we get out of here??? and she's like yeah yeah but she takes it with her and like. uses her auction house knowledge to like correctly id it back to the time they were in salem (or not maybe idk but if it is from the past she realizes that a) either it was something micah owned or b) it was the knife that killed him. if it's neither of those than it's modern and she can't figure out what about it is calling to her). the plot is kind of dropped. then, we enter s4, the battle with the source is on the horizon cole is. we'll say still on their side, successful relationship with phoebe. cole is the first one to pitch going on the offensive, which prue is first to back, then phoebe, and begrudgingly piper. leo's still not a fan but phoebe gets a premonition of something something darklighter so let's stamp that out before it begins. so they shimmer down with cole to the underworld leo doesn't go with them bc well. a) he can't sense as well down there so he won't really be able to find them if they get separated which leads to b) of they're separated the girls have no way out of hell and as a sidenote c) he's a whitelighter. so if the darklighters get him they Also have no way out of hell. so leo stays topside and cole's their ride. something something something they're closing in on where the clan lives or maybe their weapons forge and there's a darklighter just outside piper blow him up no wait and prue like Jumps in front of her and piper quickly deflects and hits the cavern wall next to them and wants to yell what the hell prue but it's too late because all hell breaks loose the darklighters were there waiting for them the seer foresaw this so they all duck for cover prue throws a couple phoebe karate chops cole energy balls piper blows up em and will occasionally freeze the cavern for a couple seconds but she still doesn't have a hold on her powers, but phoebe while fighting one of them gets a premonition: leo, shot. and over the din she's like it's a diversion, they're gonna kill leo like we have to get to leo but they're all hella spread apart right now so in one of piper's freezes cole gets to phoebe and another the pair get to piper but prue's still to far away she redirects an arrow that nearly hits phoebe in the hed she's like there's no time go!! and they're like no!! but prue just squints at cole and cole understands and shimmers them out of there and we'll say the guy who she initially dove in front of was knocked out by like rocks from piper's blast well he's coming to and see's prue fighting for her life and like. you know just starts to stir and prue spares a glance at him and he recognizes her just like he did in puritan times and he's like ...you saved me and prue looks at him and again connection but she can't find the words to say because she has to get right back to kicking ass, we'll say an arrow flies right past her face like through her hair she ducks down again like can you get us out of here? and he just like barely sits up head cradled in one hand, he's bleeding, but he just nods and places his other on prue's shoulder and black orbs them out and now they're in like a loft in san francisco prue still in fight mode and micah still bleeding from a head wound and he just kind of collapses on the ground and prue's like !!! oh shit.

back @ the manor leo's just been shot and piper's running over like help me get him to the attic i'll swap our powers you guys get out of the house so you're not affected go get prue and leo's like ??? go get her and cole's like she's still with the darklighters and leo's like no she's topside she's in the city and they're all like how??? and piper's like who gives a shit how help me get him to the attic then give me some space so phoebe and cole wait in the outside lil backyard type thing they have maybe we get a phole scene piper swaps powers and heals leo but he's still weak and piper hear's prue's call and leo's like go i'm still too weak to heal and piper's i'm not leaving you not while they're out there and leo's like hey don't worry you're still with me right ad blows up idk a lamp and piper just kind of smiles like okay but if you're gonna blow anything else up try to hit that vase because i've always hated it

piper goes downstairs gets phoebe and cole like okay let's go get prue and she orbs them all out into this loft where prue has got this guy slumped over his table pressing a damp towel to his head but jesus that's a lot of blood and she's like leo thank g- where's leo and piper's like he's resting he was shot so i had to tap in. and prue's like you can heal? and piper's like uh huh and prue's like okay great heal him and piper moves forward and then stops because prue is that the darklighter? and prue's like yes but you don't understand and piper's like what part of healing a Darklighter don't i understand prue when they Just tried to kill my husband now you're trying to save him and prue's like come on doesn't he look familiar to you and piper's looking at him like ew bc she can hardly see past the bloodcovered face but phoebe wanders forward and cole instinctively tries to hold her back bc Evil but she just kind of shakes him off bc she knows what she's doing and cole relents and she puts a hand up to his shoulder and she's like it is him. and prue's lookin like exactly! and piper's like who??? and prue's like micah and he stirs at the sound of his own name and piper's like Who??? and prue's like don't you remember he saved our necks--literally--multiple times; he died for us and it's clicking piper's like In Puritan Times??? and cole kinda blanches bc he Might have killed that guy i can't remember and prue's like piper for the amount of times he's saved us, please, just heal him and piper's like you get that that was centuries ago right? a lot changes in a couple hundred years; he's a darklighter now and prue's like piper. please. and piper relents bc what can she say she trusts prue. and micah comes to and sees cole and stumbles back like hits the ground again and prue's like no no it's okay and he looks at her and it's like we can see his world fade around him and just focus on prue and his hand flies up to his head and finds no blood and prue's like it's okay, you're healed and micah's like so that'd be the second time you've saved my neck today? and prue's like consider it returning the favor and piper's like okay well I'm breaking up the balcony scene this time how did the darklighters know we were coming? and micah's like this woman. she visited us and said you were coming, you were leaving your whitelighter vulnerable... and they're like what woman and cole's like the seer. and micah just nods and he's like i've read about you, you know, what you've done, i was hoping i could get away to warn you before... and piper's like Why. Why would you betray your own people and micah's like because i can see what dark magic can do... and it can't be undone [to later be revealed tragic backstory!! micah was raised by his mother topside or maybe his father and we get a complex darklighter situation with his mom potentially even having her defect but no matter when micah was like. idk twelve or something?? there was this bully in school and we're trying to stay with charmed morality and justify this so we'll say this kid was like serial killer bad killed puppies for fun type bad and he was a bully and micah was standing up to him #feminism when they got into a fight and micah was losing like Really losing like about to be beat to death at age twelve losing when his hand started glowing red and he shoved it against the bully and next the you know that kid was fucking dead. micah had killed a guy before he had even gone through puberty. oof. anyways top ten defining moments tried existing on the dl but has also killed a couple other people and we'll keep them Bad murderers and rapists but it's still like you end up in a bar fight and then the next thing you know that guy is dead and it doesn't matter what a cunt he was it doesn't matter than you didn't mean to do it you just have a power you don't know how to control no all that matters is you're getting manslaughter at best unless you go with this man who claims to be your uncle who can teleport like you who has the same deathtouch who can teach you to control your power].

blah blah blah plot progression all that prue and micah fall in love relatively quickly because they can feel that tug in their souls (SIDE TANGENT: i've already said before i like wyatt as a reincarnation of melinda warren but what if prue was Also a reincarnation of melinda warren, ipso facto wyatt is also prue reincarnated retconning why they can't summon her spirit. 👀?) but but BUT the seer foresaw this she new micah would turn to the side of good so she planted something that blew up in a metaphorical sense so now they don't know if they can trust micah prue wants to trust him but she doesn't want to put her family in danger if he really is in league with the source phoebe is advocating for her to follow her heart and piper is Hard No against micah like even before like she really didn't want him around before this bomb dropped even more so now and prue's like okay what's your beef and piper's like he's not safe to have around prue he's a damn darklighter and prue's like you know you keep like using that against him leo doesn't even care why are you so hung up on this and piper's like leo's safety isn't the only one at risk here!! and prue's like what you have some secret whitelighter you haven't told us about?? and piper is just silent and stubborn and prue's still in fight stance until it clicks and she's like piper... and piper's like still not talking and prue's like piper,,, are you pregnant? and piper's like no you know what i shouldn't even have said anything forget you even heard anything and prue's like ???? piper this is great news why why didn't you tell us and tries to hug her and piper just ducks away and prue's like heart is breaking watching her like this because piper's like really maternal she'd be a great mom so why isn't she happy and piper just looks at prue like : ( i didn't tell you because this isn't the first time this has happened. and prue's like ??? and piper's like towards the end of s3,,, i thought i was. well, no. i was pregnant. and, um. i was scared, because of all the demon fighting and everything, but i was excited prue i was so excited to be a mom and then a couple weeks later,,, and gets all choked up and prue just pulls her into a really big hug like sweetie why didn't you tell us and piper's just crying like i don't know we already have so much with the source and with the fighting every day,, i didn't want you guys to feel like i did, you're already going through so much and prue's like honey You're Going Through So Much and just know we're always here for you forget the source and his sorry ass forget the seer nothing's more important that you okay nothing's more important and piper's just okay okay : ((((.

so anyways we vanquish the source for the midseason finale but now we have the seer the real mastermind as the s4b villain and she's got her eyes set on a great prized: a prophesied baby. in one episode prue and micah get knocked back into a past life regression where they keep slipping back further and further in time and they keep finding each other in each life but they need to get out of here and piper leo phoebe cole are on the outside trying to get them out because if they reach their first life their life where their soul was new and slip back further, there's no way to bring them back after that we're not killing prue lol but what that really does is just cements prue and micah's place together like In Every Life they had each other in one form or another they were always destined to find each other....... fin <3

[bravo-four-seal-team]

An Email with a side of regret.

Summary : 3 months after Ashley spoke to Amelia, thats how long its been, 3 months in captivity, by mid august her and two others from her unit were save, while recovering in medical, she takes Amelia’s advice - she finally reaches out to her brother

Co-written/proof read: @disasterfandoms

Tags: 

@rebelwrites @chibsytelford @jayhalsteadfan-2417 @pinkrockstar19

@softi92 @itsonautopilot @velvetcardiganbucky @mrsmarvelous1995 @supervalcsi @thegirlwhoisalwayswriting  @galaxysanduniversesinmymind

She’s laid up on a gurney, injuries healing, fluids being given, blood is drawn after she was knocked out. Now she was awake, they had 24 hours of observation to get the go-ahead to fly out to the San Diego base to receive further treatment at the base hospital there, then go under the psychological profiling, and then a physical evaluation before being allowed to continue their jobs. 

3 months ago, Gunnery Sergeant Cole, Staff Sergeant Sawyer, and Sergeant Clarkes were taken into captivity after the rest of their unit were killed in an ambush. 3 months of hell on Earth, trying to find ways to get out, or get a message to someone, when another Unit found them and get them back to base.

Which is how they all ended up in the middle of the medical wing. Cole and Clarkes had contacted their family, while Ashley was toying with the idea of reaching out to her brother. 3 months put a lot of things into perspective for her.

 “Fuck, Amelia was right” she grumbled, opening the computer in front of her, and began typing, her mind was all over the place, but one thing she knew she needed to do was to apologize for her actions and anything she did to cause pain. 

At least if she reached out she could say she did, she didn’t expect a response, but she had played her conversation with Amelia over and over in her mind, forcing herself to survive to get home, promising herself to try and fix things. 

“What are you doing over there Sawyer?” Cole asked 

“Writing.”

“To who?”

“My brother” she responded, never looking away from a screen, continuing to type away at the incoming disaster. She could hear shuffling towards her. 

“No mention of family in your file,” Cole said, looking at her, watching as her hands moved across the keyboard, hearing a thump, they watched as their medic walked into a wall and burst into giggles. 

“Yeah well, there wasn't any point in mentioning him Gunny” Ashley responded, “Remember how I said I joined because a family member was hurt?”, stopping to look up at her superior. 

Cole nodded. “Yeah, what are you gonna tell me a tragic backstory?” he asked, laughing at the thought.

“Brother was blown up in 2005, maybe 6 can’t remember, but I was 16. Left the hospital and found out what I needed and joined 2008, he’s Navy, Navy SEALs to be exact” she muttered, resuming her typing. 

“Ah, so the baddest of badasses. Gotcha” Cole smirked, as she shook her head. “Maybe you’ll take me up on that offer of drinks and dinner.” 

“No. You’ve been trying for what? 8-9 years to get me to go out with you, not happening, I don’t date. Focus on the job and that's it.” Ashley said, hitting send 

“You need a life outside of work, and you realize it's about 5 am over there?” Cole frowned

“Well, I doubt he will read it anyway.” 

Ashley, settled down, sleeping for a few hours. She was woken up by a nurse to check her wounds, she read over what she sent. “WHY DID NOBODY STOP ME,” she shouted.

 Cole laughed “You were pretty determined.” 

“I started it off with ‘Sorry to disappoint but I'm very much alive Mark!’” Ashley said gesturing to the screen 

“I mean, humor.” 

She didn’t see the message saying that her email had been opened. 

The email:

To: T.Sawyer@Outlook.com

From: A.C.Sawyer@gmail.com

Subject: Surprise Bitch I lived. (plz open this)

Hey T. or do I start this with Dear Trent Sawyer or Petty Officer Sawyer?

Sorry to disappoint, I'm very much ALIVE. I can hear you now ‘That's not something to joke about Ashley’, yeah I know, just makes it easier. You probably don’t want me calling you T. so I won’t. I'm currently out in Baghdad, with another month of deployment left, then off to another base stateside. Not much going on out here, got me thinking about something someone said, over the past few months, and it ate away at me. I hate when people are right. Amelia was right, that I should have done this ages ago.

(As I am writing this, I just watched Craig walk into a wall, he’s on some good pain meds, our medic is high as a kite. Giggling like a child now.)

Let me begin with, I’m sorry for what I did in 2012, it was a stupid fight, I shouldn’t have said the things I did, I am sorry, I regret it, have done everyday, always expecting a call from Mom saying I was to attend your funeral, that thought terrifies me (Always had, especially after your injury).

I’m not expecting you to respond. Pretend this never came in for all I care, but I need you to know this.

Look the things I said to you Trent was uncalled for, there were times earlier on that I wanted to contact you, but I knew I’d either end up with your wife snapping at me for reaching out or radio silence from you, then mom told me you guys split and I didn’t reach out because, well, I thought I’d just make the wound worse, no point in doing that, don't go pouring salt into an open wound right?

(Can you believe my damn Gunny is still tryna get me to go out on a date with him? I made it clear for the past 8-9 years the answer is No. I’m thinking about punching him.)

Guess I don’t need to worry about you as much anymore if you got people, always say that family doesn’t end in blood, those who help you will be there for you. I caused you a shitload of hassle growing up, then with the fight. Sorry about that. Don’t think I’ll ever stop being sorry about that. Sorry about any hurt I caused, it wasn’t fair on you at all.  

God this is a mess, ha, I’m sorry, you're reading this mess. I didn’t plan this properly, and it’s probably super early for you as well, sorry… I was on base about May time? In Virginia, saw you, avoided you, didn’t want to cause any fights. I mean, Bravo is a tight unit; one word from Hayes, or your CO and it’d be my career on the line for even picking a fight or posing as a threat to a member of your weird little family there (Please get your CO some time off, he looks like he's about to have a nervous breakdown). It was easier to keep in the shadows.

You look like you're doing well, like you got the people in your life that care and worry for you, so that was good to well see and hear, which means I don’t gotta keep an eye out for trouble you get into. Looks like you're dating again as well, she seems nice (Let her know she was right, honestly, I am not happy about her being right.). You seem super happy which is good to see. 

Perhaps we could meet up when I’m back in about 2 months, I got to do a month in San Diego before going back home to Virginia. (For context for why I’ll be out in San Diego, the unit was ambushed, 3 months ago, there were 3 of us to survive, we got found yesterday, which puts life into perspective. Got psych evals and physical evals to do after healing. I fought, they don’t like fighters, man, they hate ‘em.) 

We could grab a drink and catch up, or uh… just check on each other once a month. I’m not looking for you to want to, you know, repair our messed up as hell relationship or reconnect. I know that ship sailed a year after we never contacted each other, again my fault. I'm sorry about it, sorry about all the pain caused. 

Who the hell am I kidding? I’ll send this and never get a response, you can’t fix something that is so broken. Remember what dad would tell us, “if it's unrepairable leave it”, that's what I did to our relationship. I miss having my brother in my life, miss being able to talk to you. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day. 

Just look after yourself Trent, don’t let anyone take your happiness away, fight always to get back to your family, to mom, your friends, your girlfriend. Fight always to get back to them. 

Don’t ever give up ok? You fight to get back no matter what. (You don’t break that promise you made me: to fight to come back to your family)

Look after yourself Big Bro. 

Ashley. 

(I’m gonna punch my Gunny now.)

[useraew]

Anxiety Attack

Colby Brock x Female reader

Trigger : Includes the reader having breakdown as a anxiety attack kicks in. 

Plot : In the midst of everyone telling you that your friendship with Colby is more than you think, it leads you to have an anxiety attack.  This takes place in the new trap house. 

This is both going to be in the reader’s pov and Colby’s. 

Y/n’s Pov 

The underlining feelings I had for Colby made me wanna scream. I’ve been friends with him for over a year or so and within that time, everyone seems to notice how close we were. I never really notice it at first but we always had our inside jokes. Our own handshake we created just for us. The amount of time we’d just hang out to just ourselves. Never thought in million years I’d have a friendship like this. 

I’ve always noticed the way Colby smiled at me, it always made me feel something real. The way he hugged me as i’d place my chin on his shoulder for a moment.  Looking at pictures that both of us made and feeling a smile appear on his face, just the way he looked me drove me to my core. A joy Colby would be when he’d make a silly face to make me laugh or make me happier when i’m down. 

Downsides to having feelings for my best friend was everyone else teasing me,making hints at Colby, and the amount of anxiety that would come with it that would destroy me mentally. I’d try to ignore them as using my phone to distract my thoughts would only work for a little bit of time. 

Pressing the doorbell as I arrived at the trap house, i hoped Colby would answer so i didn’t feel a boost of nerves with it being him answering the door. As the sound of feet moved closer to the door, I started to play with my fingers. The sound of Colby’s voice filled the air as I let out relief. As always he hugged me, my chin placed on his shoulder as i felt safe for a moment. Letting go of him i felt the nerves slowly fill me up. 

Following him to where everyone else was, he whispered in my ear making me pale . “I’ll get you a white claw okay?” My eyes meeting his; I nodded as he smiled going to the kitchen. Once everyone noticed my presence, the room filled with giggles and laughter making me take a hold of my fingers as I took a seat next to Tara. 

“Hi Y/n, doesn’t Colby look extra cute today” Reggie teased as I gave him a blank face trying to hide my anxious state. As Kevin was about to comment on Reggie’s statement Colby’s voice appeared. “Here you go darling” Gladly taking the White claw from Colby he took a seat next to me. Opening the drink the taste of lemon hit my tongue distracting me from the boys. The feeling of Colby’s hand fell down to my lower back as my eyes grew wide. 

My eyes wondered back at my best friend watching him give me a wink. “Aww Colby and Y/n are so precious” Looking back at Jake as he chuckled afterword. “Gosh why aren’t they together?” Kevin mentioned to me as I kept my eyes down to my drink . “Oh god I assumed you guys were a thing” Katrina spoke as Tara agreed. All the anxious feelings came over me making me feel like i was going up in flames. I took another sip of my beverage before slowly just staring at the wall. 

Before blacking out, the faint sound of Colby's voice filled the room. “Guys shut the fuck up” Finishing off my White Claw, easily using my hand to scrunch it up but that wasn’t enough to fix my sadness I was feeling. Letting the White Claw fall from my hand to the floor I finally stood up and left to the front door. Everything started to go up in the flame within me, shouting of my name and my pace sped up when finding my way out. 

Feeling the air as I find myself jumping into my car, with the footsteps belonging to my best friend behind me. Looking out the car window, a concerned boy who I knew so well watched as a tear formed in my eye. “Y/n, what’s wrong?” Opening the car door, Colby took that as a clue to open it all the way, once I could feel the air hit my face, he was fast to bring me in his arms again.       

Taking deep breaths I found myself calmly speaking up, “anxiety attack” I mumbled into his ear as he rubbed my back. “It’s okay sweetie, you wanna go to my room and lay down for a bit?”  Shaking my head yes he helped me out of my car and locked it for myself as he lead me back into the house. As I walked back in with Colby's arm around me still, he bent down a little to whisper in my ear again. “Go to my room and lay down i’ll be up in a moment.” “mhm” came out of my mouth as i walked upstairs to his room. 

Colby’s Pov

As his bedroom door clicked shut, Colby found his way back over to everyone. “Hey is Y/n okay?” Tara questioned as she had a full face of concern. “She had an anxiety attack no thanks to everyone’s jokes and teasing about her and I” “Oh” Tara and the rest of the friends looked sadden by the news. “I hope yall are happy” Colby mumbled under his breath. Before he could get back to you the feeling of Jake’s hand bringing him back. “I thought you and y/n had something going on?” Colby was taken back by his words as he defended you and him. 

 “If their is then that’s between her and i not anyone else, now if you don’t mind i’m gonna go upstairs make sure she’s okay” With that I quickly got back upstairs to y/n. As I opened the door I found Y/n laying there looking adorable under my covers. As my eyes looked into hers I gave her a assuming smile as I joined her in my bed. She giggled as I held on to her, my lips lightly kissed her shoulder. Her head turned to me as my attention was only on her face now. 

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” I asked as i waited for a reply pulling her hair behind her ears so I could see that earring in her ear. “It’s been about you since the day we met” Seeing her look away from my glance made me realize how she was feeling. Directing her eyes back at mine I let her continue, “I don’t want to watch myself lose you because you don’t feel the way I do about you”     

Sitting up in my seat, planting my hands around her face I forced her to look me in eyes. “Nothing will cause us to lose each other and nothing is going change how I feel about you Y/n.” The gaze in Y/n’s eyes on me gave me goosebumps forming on my arms as cold breeze was brought in. In another moment we moved back in a normal position with her chin resting on my chest. “Are you cold?” She muttered as y/n examined my arm. “I’m okay” murmuring back. “How are you feeling y/n” She took a minute to answer me as her body reposition to her sitting criss cross applesauce. “I don’t know” Y/n shrugged 

Getting up Y/n paced around my room seeing feel this way made my heart break. “I just wanna be the girl you love Cole, I want it all” Trying to get from my seat she was hesitant towards myself. “No, is it because i’m gonna get rejected? Or i’m not your type?”  She projected herself against a wall as her tired eyes developed more tears. Finding myself towards her again, her cry became more powerful. She sighed as our foreheads met she took deeper breathes. 

“Shhh” Calming her down, I kept eye contact to make sure she knew everything was going to be okay. “I would never reject you ever in my life, god you are so my fucking type okay?” Shaking her head i cleared her tears. “i do also love you, i would love to have it all with you.” I reassured her.  

  Walking away from Y/n to find my record player, I could feel Y/n’s stare from behind me. Her feet moved slow as she came up on my right side. She watched me put a record on as the music came out. “May I have this dance?” taking her hand we slow danced. Holding her from her waist she smiled. 

Twirling her around I kissed cheek making her chuckle. “Colby” She spoke as she turned around to look at me. “yeah honey” Y/n took this opportunity to wrap her arms around my neck. “I’m in love with you Cole” A moment like this was never what I expected I've always had these loving feelings for Y/n. When everyone had this idea that we were already together or what ever I tried not to make anything of it not realizing it affected y/n the way it did. 

“Y/n, I’ve always loved you” As the music started to get more upbeat Y/n took it upon herself to kiss me. As the kiss got deeper, I had her in my arms only focusing on her lips. Pushing myself up against the wall my left hand intertwined with her right hand. My right hand helped keep her balanced before Y/n let go of my lips to take a breather. 

“You’re so beautiful Cole” Y/n admired me as I gladly took her back to my bed. Placing her down I kissed her forehead. “You’re more beautiful and you have always been the love of my life” Cuddling her close now I was left with the sound of music filling the room and her safely in my arms.      

[withcolebrock]

It’s Everything To Me

Summary: Colby breaks up with Y/N for his career and regrets it.

Requested: Yes!

Warnings: sad stuff, and swearing

Word Count: 2,281

Author’s Note: First angsty piece in a while!! I got sad while writing this, also listening to Lewis Capaldi didn’t help hah. I really like this piece for some reason? idk I feel like it’s actually decent?? Anyway I hope you guys like it !! why is the gif quality always shit :( This is my Gif!

For the past couple of weeks, Y/N had started to notice that Colby was acting different when he was around her. Time went on where they wouldn’t talk for days because Y/N was tired of reaching out to him. Colby was always making excuses on not wanting to go see her. Frankly, Y/N was getting tired of it. Tonight was the first night that herself and Colby would be getting to hang out alone in months.

She hoped that she would be able to talk about everything with him. She wanted him to understand how she feels about how he was acting; she wanted to know how he was feeling. Y/N and Colby had been together since they were in high school. Y/N had her own social media success around the same time Sam and Colby did. When Colby had asked her to come with him to LA, it was something that she had to think about. In the end she said yes, but her parents didn’t want them to be living together; so Y/N had rented her own apartment.

She pulled Colby’s old merch hoodie over her head as she heard the door being pulled open. “Hey,” he said, closing it behind him. He placed a bag onto the counter, filled with miscellaneous things. She smiled widely as she walked towards him. He took in a sharp breath as his eyes scanned her body.

“Hi,” she whispered nervously as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Reluctantly, he wrapped his arms around her waist. He pulled his body away from her, avoiding eye contact. She furrowed her eyebrows as she clenched her jaw. He took quick steps towards her living room, “What are you doing?” she asked while glancing towards the bag that Colby brought with him. Recongizing a few of her items inside, she follows him towards the couch.

“Can we talk?” his voice was barely above a whisper, he quickly wiped his eyes as he flickered his attention towards her. She pulled the hoodie sleeves inbetween her palms as she sat into the chair across from him. Her eyes watched him; how his leg bounces uncontrollably and how he clenched his jaw repeatedly.

“Yeah,” she mumbled as she played with the hoodie sleeves. He rubbed his hands nervously as he pulled his lips in between his teeth. For a while neither of them know what to say but, Y/N knows what is coming. She watches as he wiped his eyes, he was hurting. “Colby, you came here to talk,” she sighed, “So talk,” her voice broke as tears began to form in her eyes. She began to blink quickly trying to stop the tears from falling.

“I think we need to take a break,” the words fell from his lips quickly. He finally lifts his head to meet her gaze. As she meets his eye, she sees the tears already falling onto his cheeks. Her jaw clenches, fighting off the tears.

She takes a deep breath before speaking, “Why?” her voice was barely audible. He looks away from her as he runs his fingers through his hair. His eyes watched his hands shaking as he began twisting his rings on his fingers.

He takes in a shaky breath, “I-uh, I’m moving into this new house and-uh, I’ll be gone with Sam and Elton a lot for videos,” he pauses as he looks towards her. Her eyes never shifting, her eyes meet his red teary ones.

“So you won’t have time for us,” her words fell harsher than she intended, “For our relationship?” she blinked slowly, feeling a tear fall onto her cheek. Raising her hand she quickly wipes the tear off of her cheek.

“I don’t want to,” he breathed, wiping his eyes again.

“Then, why are you?”

“Because I have to, Y/N,”

“So, is Sam breaking up with Katrina because of this?” she asked standing up from her spot. He shook his head, “What about Elton? Is he breaking up with Amanda?” he shakes his head again, “I know Devyn is moving in with Corey, so there’s my answer. Colby you don’t have to end this, we can work this out,” she begged watching him stand up from his seat.

“Y/N,”

“Colby, please, I love you,”

He sighed as he took cautious steps towards her, pushing his sleeves up, “I love you, but I have to do this,”

“No, you don’t!” she cried out.

“Y/N, it’s my life! It’s everything to me!” the words felt like a slap in the face. Her heart sank as the room fell silent. His eyes widened as he realized what he said. He stuttered, trying to speak but she held her hand up towards him walking away from him. “Y/N,”

“No, no I get it,” she cried, pulling the hoodie over her head. Holding it in her hand, she whispered, “I thought I-”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean it. It just came out and-please I’m sorry,” he begged as she handed him the hoodie that was once his. He held the hoodie in his hands, widening his eyes, trying to give her the hoodie. She pushed him away, walking towards the kitchen.

“I moved to LA for you! I dropped everything to come with you and you drop me like it’s nothing,”

“I never asked you to come with me-”

“Actually you did. You begged me and begged me until I caved.” she slammed her hand against the counter as she took a hold of the bag of her things. “How long?” he stared at her blankly as she dumped all of her items out of the bag. “How long have you wanted to break up with me?” she sat on the barstool next to the counter.

“A couple weeks,” he mumbled as she covered her face with her hands. She rested her arms onto the counter as she cried into her hands. Colby closed his eyes slowly as he watched her crumble in front of him.

She wiped her eyes a few times before turning her body towards him. Her eyes looked his body up and down before standing up. She pressed her lips together as she walked towards him. “You were everything to me,” she sighed, as she looked deeply into his eyes. “I was willing to do anything for you,” soft sobs left her lips as she spoke. “But I’ll always be second best to you,” he opened his mouth trying to speak but she holds her hand up stopping him. “I’ll be second best to your career, your future, even Sam!”

“Y/N,”

“Just go, Colby,” she pointed towards the door as she wiped her eyes of the tears. He walked towards the door, rubbing his neck. He stopped short of the door before turning around. He met her gaze, her eyes were red and swollen from the tears she shed. He stared into her eyes for longer than his intent, savoring every moment.

“I never meant to hurt you,” he whispered as he turned and opened the door and left. As the door slammed shut she fell to her knees crying. Colby walked down the hall, walking as quickly as he could. He couldn’t wait for the elevator, he walked towards the staircase leading to the parking garage. He walked as fast as he could, it didn’t take him long to reach his car. He unlocked it, jumping into the driver seat. Slamming the door shut he slams his hand against the wheel several times. “Fuck!”

He leaned his head against the wheel, crying. He pulled out his phone, calling his mom. He needed her right now, he needed to be with his mom. “Hey, baby,” she answered, he shut his eyes, sighing in content. He took in a shaken breath, “Cole baby, what’s wrong?”

“I messed up, Mom, I really messed up,”

~~~

Colby was one to either hide his feelings from the fans or flat out say everything he’s feeling. After he broke up with Y/N he tweeted, “You’re everything to me,”. Most of the fans assumed he was talking about the fans, but he was talking to Y/N. He screwed up, he truly didn’t know what to do. He never tried to call her, he wanted to but he didn’t know what to say. As the nights went on he was not active on social media, many assumed it was because of the move the boys were doing. But it wasn’t.

Colby picked up the box of his things from his Corolla as he passed Sam, “You good, Bro?” he asked, as he went to hold open the door for Colby.

“Not really,” he sighed as he walked through the door, mumbling a ‘thank you’. Sam quickly followed.

“Have you talked to her?”

“She doesn’t want to talk to me, man,” he continued to walk up the stairs with the box. Sam follows him trying to console him as much as he can.

“You don’t know that. Dude I’ve known her as long as you have, you should just call her,” Colby placed the box down onto the floor before turning his body towards Sam, frustratedingly.

“You know what she said to me?” he asked angrily. Sam shook his head, “She said that I never put her first. She said that she’s second best to you! And she’s right, I picked our career and our future before her.” He huffed, “So no, I’m not going to call her,” he walked past Sam purposely bumping into him as he lefted.

“I was just trying to help you,” Sam yelled.

“Well, don’t,” Colby shot back.

~~~

After a couple of hours of the boys settling in, they decided to invite a few people over to have a little party. The boys were already drinking in the kitchen, surprisingly Colby wasn’t drinking. He knew that drinking would make him even more sad, and he didn’t want to feel any worse than he did. He leaned over to Sam, tapping his shoulder, “Can I talk to you?”

Sam nodded as he followed Colby towards the living room. “I wanted to say sorry,” he pulled the red solo cup to his lips. Sam shook his head.

“No it’s okay, you’re hurting. You loved her, so I get it,”

“I fucked up, Sam,” he spoke, clenching his jaw. He ran his fingers through his hair.

“It’ll be okay,” Sam pulled Colby into his arms. Sam had watched their relationship start from the beginning. He had seen them grow together, and love each other. Sam never thought they would break up.

“I love her so much,” he cried into Sam’s shoulder, “And I fucked it all up,” As they hugged Sam comforted his best friend as much as he could. He had only seen Colby cry a few times that he had known him. He never wanted him to be hurting, or Y/N to be hurting. Corey walked into the room clearing his throat. Colby and Sam pulled from each other looking towards Corey.

“Y/N’s here, Colby,” Corey said pointing behind him. Colby’s eyes widened as he walked towards Corey.

“She’s here? Where?” he asked, Corey pointed towards the front door.

“She wouldn’t come inside,” Corey shrugged as he walked back towards the kitchen. Sam followed him there. Colby jogged towards the entrance to their house. He pulled open the door seeing Y/N standing holding a box. He smiled nervously as his eyes met hers.

“Y/N,” he let out as he felt his heart was beating out of his chest.

“I wanted to drop these off before I left,” she sighed handing the box over to Colby. He took a hold of it, glancing down seeing his hoodies, picture frames, among other things that belonged to him. She turned to leave as he called out to her. She turned around facing him again, staring down towards her feet.

“You’re leaving? Where are you going?” he asked, placing the box down beside him, he moved out of the house. Shutting the door behind him. She rolled her eyes, huffing.

“Home,” she shrugged, sadly. She avoided his eye, she didn’t want to look at him.

“Why? Your friends are here and your career. Your life is here,” he questioned as he took a few steps closer to her. She didn’t move away from him. He wanted to hold her, pull her into his chest and never let her go. But he couldn’t.

“They’re your friends, and I can do the same stuff at home. My life isn’t LA,”

“I’m here,” he mumbled barely above a whisper. Her eyes looked into his teary ones. She took in a long breath as she wrapped her arms around her chest.

“Exactly,” she turned her body away and started walking away from him. He watched her walk quickly away from him. He pressed his lips together as he watched her push open the gate door; and leave. He blinked away his tears as he entered his house again. He picked up the box and walked towards the kitchen. The room fell silent as he entered the kitchen, everyone looking towards him sadly.

“Uh-she’s leaving,” he let out as he placed the box on top of the kitchen counter. The group looks at each other each searching for words to say. “She’s moving back to Kansas, and I need a drink,” he walked towards the counter taking a hold of a bottle of whiskey. He opened it and took a long drink.  “I’m going upstairs,” he sighed as he took a hold of the box carrying it and the whiskey with him.

[annab-nana]

Wrong Choice - Colby Brock

Y/n has been asked by Colby’s viewers to pull a prank and the one they request the most is a breakup prank. She decides that her first prank should go hard, but she finds it harder to go through with it than to pull the prank itself.

Warnings: some curse words

Word Count: 2.2k+

--------------------------------------------------

"Bye babe, love you," Colby told me as his lips landed on my cheek before he walked to the door of our shared apartment. I waved and blew him a kiss as his ring-adorned hand stretched out for the doorknob. He "caught" the kiss that I sent his way with his unoccupied hand and brought it close to his heart, letting the kiss rest there. I smile in response as I watch my love walk out the door. As soon as it shuts, I softly run up to it and watch out the peephole as Colby knocks on Sam's door, Sam walks out, and the two go to the elevator. My sweet smile turns mischievous as I find Colby's camera and press record.

"I'm not who you were expecting, am I?" I say to the camera and pause for a second, knowing that Reggie will put Colby's vlog intro clip right there.

"Okay, so Colby has pulled a few pranks on me as you guys know. Cut to the clips." As time passes, I think back onto all the pranks Colby has pulled on me.

"First, he fake proposed but I knew that wasn't real. Then, he took a page out of Elton's book of pranks and filled my car with packing peanuts. And the list goes on and on. But I have never pulled a prank on him, so he definitely won't be expecting it. And he always says that he would never pull the breakup prank on me, but I'm going to do that today. So, Colby just left with Sam to go to a meeting and he has his location on for me so I can see when he will be here. Let me show you guys what I plan on doing," I say as I grab the camera and show them to our room. I set the camera down on the bed and walk into the closet and pull out my suitcase.

"So, the plan is when he comes home, I'm going to act as if he caught me leaving like I was going to leave before he got here but he got here before I could get out. And then we're just going to wing it after that, so I'll see you guys in a little bit." I cover the camera lens with my hand before ending the recording.

I walk over to Sam's apartment and grab his two cameras, then turn around going back to our apartment. My eyes flicker around the apartment in search of good places to hide the cameras and I decide to place one in the corner of the kitchen, facing the door. The other one I positioned between two pillows on the couch so that the camera would face the entrance to our room and most of the living room.

Going back to our bedroom, I grab the camera I was recording the intro on earlier and set it on the bed, propping perfectly between pillows and a blanket. Once I was sure those couldn't be seen, I opened my suitcase and began throwing my clothes into it. If I was really leaving, I would be trying to leave as quickly as possible, so I lazily tossed in my shirts instead of taking the time to fold them. After most of my things were in, I left a small pile of clothes beside my suitcase to throw in when Colby gets here.

I checked his location to see where he was, and he looked like he was leaving the building where their meeting was held. A text notification came through my phone from him as well.

C💙: we're otw back babe

Y/n : okay see you soon

Okay, it's go time. I pressed the record button on each of the cameras and sat down next to my suitcase and pile of clothes, getting ready for this act. From the outside, I looked ready but, on the inside, it was setting in what I was doing.

This is going to break Colby's heart. He is going to hate me for this. I get a little angry with him after he pulls pranks on me, but it doesn't take long for me to get over because I love him. He going to think I don't love him. Shit. Why am I doing this? I can't do this. I realized that tears had brimmed my eyes, and a few had slipped out while I was lost in thought. Fuck. Why am I doing this?

That's when I heard the front door open. A gasp fell from my lips as I assumed character. I guess I am doing this. So, I grabbed at the mound of clothing, pulling out a purple koala hoodie which caused the tears to flow a little harder before I threw it in with the rest.

"I brought you some— hey, what's going on?" I hear his voice change from chipper to worried in a split second. I couldn't turn around and look at him. The regret of doing this was really sucking at this point. I really hope he can forgive me. I tried to say something, but no words came out. I shut my eyes to prevent any more tears from falling.

"Y/n?" His voice was closer to me this time and I felt his gentle hand grab my cheek and lightly pull it to face him. Fuck, I hate this, but once it's over, we will be okay and go back to how things were. Why do his viewers want this so bad? I now understand why he said he would never pull this prank on me. My eyes flutter open slightly as they meet his. He sets down the bag of food he brought and grabs my hand with his other one.

"What's wrong baby?" He whispered as he sat down next to me, pulling me into his embrace. As much as I wanted to stay there with him, I went against my better judgment and pushed myself off of him. I instantly regretted it when I saw the look on his face. The hurt in his eyes was enough to make me want to cut this whole thing off and tell him it's all fake but I'm going to push through and keeping going.

"Did I do something?" His voice sounded wary like he was unsure of what to do or what had happened which I can't blame him for. This is so out of the blue. My hand comes up to wipe away some tears and I shake my head.

"It's me," I choke out and sniffle. I grab more clothes and toss them in.

"What do you mean it's you? What happened to you?" He questions, comfortingly resting his hand on my thigh, but again, I shove him away.

"Please don't shut me out, y/n. Tell me what's bothering you," he pleads with me.

"I- I can't do it anymore. I can't do this anymore." I say as I motion between the two of us. My gaze switches from my amazing boyfriend that I am putting through hell to my suitcase as I reach for the zipper to close it.

"I have to go." I rise to stand up and pull out the handle. He stands with me and his face shows pure confusion.

"I don't understand what's happening," Colby sounds as if he is on the verge of tears, only causing mine to come quicker.

"I can't anymore. I- I don't feel anything anymore. I feel nothing between us," I confess to him as I roll my suitcase behind me, ready to leave. I feel the coolness of Colby's rings on my arm, holding me back and spinning me around.

"What's going on, y/n? You have to explain this to me. We have to talk about this. I don't know what I did-"

"You didn't do anything Cole! This is a problem with me," I snap at him.

"Well, what's the problem with you?" He asks as he tries to pull me to the couch to sit down and talk. I take my hand back as his eyes beg me, but I stand my ground.

"I think I made the wrong choice. I don't think I thought us through. I don't feel the way I used to about us." I tell him as he sits on the couch looking at me.

"How long?" He whispers to where I can barely hear.

"What?" I question.

"How long have I been your wrong choice?" He emphasizes the word, making my heart absolutely shatter.

"Colby, that's not what I meant," I say as I sit down beside him. His eyes are tear-filled but none have fallen yet.

"When we started hanging out, you were the only person I wanted to spend my time with, but I hadn't completely gotten over Hayden just yet, but I loved being with you. I wasn't sure if it was as friends or if I wanted to be more with you. So when you asked me out, I should've said that I wanted to remain friends, but I made the wrong choice because I was selfish and I wanted to see if being with you was what I wanted and I did but it wasn't the right time. Slowly I've been feeling differently about our relationship and I realized that I'm not supposed to be here. I'm so sorry that it took me this long to see this and that I've wasted your time, but I have to go," I grab the handle on my suitcase and pull it towards the door. Colby stands with me and walks to where I am.

"Can I hug you before you leave?" He asks so innocently. I nod my head as he steps closer to me. His arms wrap tightly around my waist as mine do the same to his neck. He buries his face into my neck like he always does when we hug but something was different this time. There was a wetness pooling there too. He was crying into my neck. My emotions reciprocated his as I sobbed into his chest.

After a few minutes, we pulled away from each other, looking into one another's watery eyes. I leaned up to give him a quick kiss on the cheek. As my lips leave his dampened cheek, they move to right in front of his ear.

"Gotcha bitch," I say before pulling back and smiling.

"What?" His teary confused face smiles back at me. I laugh as I point to the camera in the kitchen then to the one on the couch and then pull him into the bedroom and point to the one in there.

"So, this isn't real?" His voice sounds so hopeful and I smile as I nod at him. He picks me up, swinging me around in his arms before placing me down and staring at me incredulously.

"Did you just pull your first prank on me?" He questions and I nod, giggling.

"But I won't be doing it again. I hated every minute of that. Trust me. I was going to back out of it but then you came home so I decided to keep going. But at least, you don't have to film a video tonight to post tomorrow." I smile at him in hopes he will forgive me for the shit I just put him through. He pulls me back into his arms. I lean my cheek against his chest facing the camera that I had in the bedroom.

"I hope you guys enjoyed this because I won't be doing this again. Well, at least not to this extent. This was too much but that's all that y'all requested." I say to the camera. I feel Colby's lips press against the top of my head.

"We will see you guys next week with another TikTok video that I had planned for this week. Peace," he says as we both throw up peace signs and he covers the camera lens with his hand to close out the video. He turns to sit on the edge of the bed and grabs my hand to pull me to stand between his legs.

"Are you mad at me?" I ask him, praying to God that I didn't hurt his feelings too badly. He chuckles before wrapping his arms around my hips, his hands clasping at the bottom of my back. His forehead rests on my stomach as he rubs tiny circles on my back.

"I'm not mad. I mean I've pulled several pranks on you that have hurt your feelings before and you still love me. I can't get mad if you've never with me. You've always been good about my pranks," he tells me.

"So, you don't hate me? You forgive me? I put you through hell Colbs," I say as I run my fingers through his dark blue hair.

"No but tell me one thing. Do you still think you made the wrong choice?" He says as he looks up at me with his beautiful blue eyes. I bend down slightly to give him a small kiss on his forehead.

"I think that picking you was the best decision I've ever made in my life."

[comebeonetwothree]

Blog #8: Country Roads

07/13/2021

Currently driving through roads where pro-life billboards are placed in front of graveyards… we are officially on the road back home.

Traveling fast but seeing the most we have while covering 1,500 miles and two time zones in the last week. 900 miles to go. We jumped from Portland to northern and southern Montana then all the way through to Chicago… our last stop ;(

We met some really nice people out here- the kind of people that want to take time out of their day to interact with you. People actually smile at you and mean it when they say “have a good day.”

There were a lot of experiences this week that were indescribable. All senses were at full throttle from sleeping in the heart of Portland to camping in National Parks.

Being our last stretch of the trip, it has been hard to not feel sad when we are closing such a big chapter of our life. It’s a weird feeling of being sad but also still being so excited for the next stop. I hope the excitement doesn’t end.

Who

Who is ready to rumble…

In Portland we got to meet up with Maya’s cousin, Michael and his daughter Thea. He moved out there 13 years ago and never looked back.

He was telling us he did a similar trip with his college buddies back in the day and fell in love with the city, so moved there shortly after the trip.

Sounds fun, might fuck around and move…

Batman was ready to rumble, and fumble and everything in between. While whitewater rafting in Glacier National Park, we had the pleasure of riding with Batman The Guide. Batman, because you can’t change who you are but if you can always choose Batman.

He had been living in Montana for 17 years after moving from Oregon. He had previously worked in the park as a shuttle bus driver and recently switched over to a whitewater rafting instructor.

He was a funny fucking dude; the whole crew was super hyped but he had a comedic sense that made it an entertaining day.

While on the water, we were joking around and splashing the neighboring rafts, an independent rafter said they will bomb us with beers if we splash them. One of the other people on the boat yelled back, “Are they full beers?” and they responded by launching three full miller lite beers at our raft.

At the end of our tour, Batman gave us the three beers then we dedicated those three beers to him with a funnel.

More Friends!!! Its wild how many people we got to see throughout this trip. Hitting Yellowstone National Park, we met up with Mayas friends from home: Cole, Jamie and Declan.

They were just starting their cross-country trip from Nyack, NY, hitting the Northern route to the southern, vs our trip ending in the North. Funny coincident.

We camped out with them for two nights… it was too beautiful to just stay one night, so we pushed back our trip to badlands and stayed the extra night.

We were all out at this joint called Buffalo Bar, it had a great outdoor area with corn hole, ring toss and puppiesss. There is something so fulfilling in petting random dogs with a beer in your hand.

This one dog I was petting had an exceptional owner who was traveling him across states to bring him home. I spoke with the owner for quite a while, she was so friendly about letting me pet her dog. She really was doing it all, back at home she has three kids and two other dogs.

When people hear about our travels, their reactions usually make us realize how cool it is to have the opportunity to do a trip like this.

Many times they wish they did the same when they were our age, *cough, cough, go travel right now, cough, cough.*

This woman explained how she jumped right into working out of school and has always regretted it. Her children were already teenagers so I told her she should get out there and do it. Traveling her new dog home was a great start to the on-the-go lifestyle, she seemed to be enjoying it.

I later found out she picked up our tables tab… thank you Jennifer, you have a heart of gold and a generous soul. She explained her hopes that her kids will one day get out there and see the world like she always wished, and we were accomplishing. It was a pass it forward request, when I am able to cover the bill of a lovely traveling stranger. I hope I cross paths with this family eventually and pay it forward for her children that may travel.

What

What a reality…

The National Park pass is something you buy and are given access to all the national parks in the US. We got one in the beginning of the trip knowing we would be reaching quite a few parks. Unfortunately, we lost it after just seeing the Grand canyon.

It fell in a black hole… the area where your dashboard and windshield meet. Remember this when you put shit on the dashboard. It can slide right down to its death, the only way to get the shit out is by taking off the windshield.

Those passes are irreplaceable, of course.

In badlands, we posted up around 10 p.m. in our hammocks. It was a new experience for us, we thought hey its our last time camping, lets try it a new way. 

We set our hammocks up underneath this podium and slept there. It was perfect for a quick and easy set up/clean up. There was a solid amount of people around us, so we weren't too worried about getting attacked by coyotes again. 

Where

When driving to Portland we drove through the Redwood National Forest. This made me realize how long this Earth has been around.

Trees take a while to grow, and these trees were as thick as three full grown pine trees and as tall as two stacked on top of each other.

Neck breaking tall.

After crossing through, we hit the upper west coast and traveled on route 101 until we hit Portland. It was filled with jaw dropping views, so much so I woke Mary and Maya up every 5 minutes to show them the views. Most times it was the same view as before, just with a new massive rock to look at.

It was a relatively foggy day, so we couldn’t see certain lookout points, but there was something so majestic about the fog within the forests and hanging on the coast.

There were points where you cross over a bridge and there was nothing around you, just white. It appeared as being stuck in a dream or driving my bitchass to heaven.

Arriving in Portland, we stayed at a place in ChinaTown. It was so cute and located on top of a great deli, Charlie’s Deli.

We checked out a bunch of shops and stores while in Portland. While we were walking around, this coffee shop had the sweetest workers. They enjoyed interacting with their customers and weren’t just looking to take your money.

Portland is filled with mockingly friendly people, they weren’t mocking anyone though, they were just that fucking friendly. They actually want to converse with people... what a concept.

For dinner we went to this food truck pod place, which is about 15 different food trucks serving food, with a communal sitting area to eat the food.

We met up with Maya’s cousin there for a drink and to catch up.

Hitting Glacier National Park, we started our camping excursion. We started off sleeping in our car since we arrived late to our campground after driving 10 hours to get there. It was pretty comfortable and with the knowledge of bear attacks in the area, it was a secure place to sleep.

While in Glacier, we decided to go whitewater rafting, a whole new way of seeing the parks. It was so dope, the rapids were on the weak side since the heat waves.

After rafting, we found a great lake front public access point where we hung our hammocks up and took a nice long nap.

There are lakes EVERYWHERE here in Montana and great fishing! Let’s travel and fish all over Montana, okay? Cool.

We waited until 5 p.m. when the park lets you in without a pass, to do a sunset hike in the park. We took Going-to-the-sun road to the highline hike, where we got to see some wild animals!

In the parking lot we got to see a horned sheep (looks like a ram) and more mountain goats!! We saw three full grown goats and one baby goat.

This horned sheep actually stormed at us and we had to jump into our car. The people that parked in the spot before us left their cheetos on the ground. This guy was hungry as fuck I guess. Relentless to say the least. 

This National Park is my new favorite spot-on Earth. Spread my ashes here. Moseying through the park was a full body experience.

All your senses are involved, the smells of the forest are beyond refreshing. The touch of the crisp air brings goosebumps to your skin, and the taste of wind in your face emphasizes the overload of oxygen in that area.

There are no commercialized areas for hours outside the park. Just a fuck ton of trees.

The sounds of different birds chirping harmonizes in your ears with the wind blowing and the rocks falling below you. Your sight is spiked the highest out of the senses. These views seemed so unreal they appeared fake. When you finally touch the grounds around you, you realize how really unreal this land is.

Heading to Yellowstone the following day brought a similar element of nostalgia. We camped right outside the park, on the state border lines of Wyoming and Idaho.

Our friends we stayed with luckily still had their national park pass, so we all took our car and got into the park early that next morning. We got to see some bison! Fun Fact: Bison and Buffalos are actually the same thing.

There were so many beautiful trees and hot springs throughout the park. So many cool colors to see. We also watched Old Faithful blow her hole!!

Getting to Badlands eventually, we got a campground directly in the park. Since we got there later than five it was free. We posted up our hammocks for our last night camping on the trip ;( when we woke up, the views were so cool.

Badlands is a shit ton of clay forming giant sandcastle hills all over. But there is so much green for a desert it was an interesting combination.

When

When can we shower…

We have completed so much of the drive home its wild. We stayed in an apartment for the first two nights in Portland and then spent the rest of the week camping.

We hit our record of days without a shower… 5 full ass days. I’m so proud of Mary and Maya, they really can’t stand being dirty.

When driving long ass 10 hour plus drives for a week you find yourself enjoying nothingness. Head empty is such a vibe after jamming to music and listening to murder mystery podcasts for hours on end.

Our music ranges widely, depending on crashing periods. Whenever Mary is driving, she is either blasting screamo edm music or 2000s pop music.

Maya plays some bomb bops; I really don’t know any of the songs, but it has opened my mind to all these new artists!!

I personally love the murder mystery podcasts, there were a few times I had to change it though because it got too spooky. In the case of this week, we were driving to camp in Montana and a murder mystery came on about the Montana Child Killer… dope.

Why

I have ruled out ever living in a city. From the driving on busy ass streets to the dirty smells everywhere, I will happily reside somewhere in the country. Where? Still have no idea… Why? Because there are so many pros and cons to all these places we saw.

I guess i'll just have to come back out here!

I’m really thinking somewhere up north on the west coast. The west coast will forever hold my heart, but I really don’t have the money or the ability to live in a city out there. Maybe one day with a bombass money making job.

Coming back to the East has made me realize how much nicer people are out west and how much slower of a pace it is.

How

How are we coming up on our last spot…

We are hitting our last stop… Chicago. Shoutout to my cousin for going to school here and letting us use and abuse his apartment! Hehe just kidding we will take care of it for ya, Owen!

It feels so strange to be this close to New York. Our license plates being from New York is no longer that cool.

I’m going to miss people peeping our plates and asking us about our travels and/or wishing us luck!

Thanks everyone throughout, we are almost accomplished with this chapter!

[golbrocklovely]

give your heart a break // colby brock - chapter seven: the final straw

A/N: holy shit, only one more chapter! sorry this took forever to write, but it’s the kind of chapter you have to be in the right mood to write, ya know? thank you guys for all the love and support on this story. it means so much to me. hope yall are staying safe during this crazy time. alrighty, please enjoy this chapter and lmk what you think. ALSO, listen to this song while reading for extra sadness :)

story description

taglist: @azurebrock , @daddydobrock , @colbyf-ingbrock , @cuddlingwithcolby , @absolute-randomness-forever , @lovelycolby , @codename-nyx , @sweetxplr , @absolutelynobodyposts , @colbysmisdemeanour

trigger warning: ANGST, SADNESS, heartbreak

word count: 1472

~~~~~~~~~~

ten months, two weeks, five days

When I woke up this morning, I could tell something was about to change. A certain thickness hung in the air, like a cloud.

Two months ago, Colby apologized about the night of the party. He told me that he was under a lot of stress, and that he took it out on me when he shouldn't have.

I never admitted to him that I loved him. I've been sitting on this feeling for two months now. It's been eating away at me slowly.

Colby has been pretty busy, him and Sam planning a lot of things for the coming year. These past two weeks, they went and filmed videos in a different state. He texted me every day and tried to call a couple times. I barely answered him.

I couldn't bring myself to hear his voice. I did everything in my power to see if my feelings for him would go away, but they didn't even budge.

He's finally home, and he immediately asked me to come over. A pit in my stomach formed, along with a swarm of butterflies.

I wanted to see him, badly. But... fuck, I didn't want to love him anymore.

This wasn't going to end well.

I knocked on Colby's apartment door three times, hearing a 'come in!' from inside.

I slowly opened the door, my eyes falling on Colby who was sprawled out on the couch. His eyes landed on me, smiling sweetly.

“Hey Zoe. How are you?” Colby asked, sitting up.

I replied, placing my bag down on his kitchen counter. “I'm good. How about you?”

“I'm doing better now since you're here.” He smirked.

“That's sweet of you to say.” I stated, sitting down away from him.

He scooched closer to me. “Uh, you know I tried to call you a couple times while I was gone, but you never really picked up.”

I stared down at the ground. “Yeah. Sorry about that. I've been busy.”

He brought his face close to mine, making me look up at him. “It's no problem. I'm just happy to see you again.”

Colby leaned in slowly, his lips pecking mine softly. I barely kissed him back, but it didn't seem like he noticed.

“I really missed you.” He whispered.

I took a deep breath, standing up and pacing over to his kitchen.

I shouldn’t have come here.

Why did I come here?

All I’m doing is breaking my own heart by being around him.

I need to just tell him how I feel.

But if I do that, all of this will end. I don’t want it to end.

But I can’t keep going on like this.

What if I lose him?

Maybe he does love me back.

No, he doesn’t.

Fuck, I just need to tell him.

No, I can’t.

Yes. I can.

Fuck, don’t fucking spit it out, Zoe!!

“I can't do this anymore.” I uttered suddenly.

Colby turned to me, confused. “Do what?”

I exhaled deeply. “This. Us.”

Colby sat up again, slowly coming to his feet. “What do you mean, Zo? What's wrong?”

“I thought that when you apologized to me two months ago and we both made that promise to take things slow, maybe have some time away from each other, my feelings for you would change. Would go away. But they're not. And I can't pretend they're not real any longer.” I huffed, holding back tears.

“What are you saying, Zoe?” He questioned.

“I'm in love with you, Colby.” I confessed.

Colby stayed silent, his eyes falling away from my gaze.

“I'm in love with you. And I've loved you for a long time. I can't go on doing this and pretending my feelings for you aren't there.” I admitted.

“You weren't supposed to...” His voice trailed off.

I responded. “What? Catch feelings? I know. But, I couldn't help it.”

“How long?” Colby murmured.

“When we fought, two months ago, that's when I admitted it to Sam. But honestly... it was probably before that.” I shrugged, exhausted.

A heavy silence fell over the both of us. I wasn't sure what else I could say to him. I couldn't tell what he was thinking, his face contorted. He obviously wasn't happy about this.

His head popped up, his gaze back on mine. "You don't love me."

“What?” I sputtered.

“You don't love me. You've just grown attached to this... feeling. We fucked up when we went beyond cuddling. Maybe we just need a break from each other to reset ourselves and then we can go back to just doing that.” He nodded his head, a weird smile coming to his face.

“Colby. I'm admitting I love you and you're telling me... I'm not?” I inquired.

He confirmed. “Exactly. We've become so couple-like that you just think you love me.”

“Colby, I do love you.” I emphasized.

He shook his head. “No, you don't. You can't love me. We both promised to not catch feelings.”

“Well, I fucked up that one.” I deadpanned.

He denied. “You don't love me.”

“Colby! Yes I do!” I exclaimed, stepping closer to him.

He shouted. “No you don't!”

I groaned. “Oh my God, Colby! I'm not Sophie!”

Fuck.

“What did you say?” His eyes widen, his voice falling to a whisper.

Goddamnit, Zo!

“I'm... not Sophie.” I choked.

“H-How... do you-” He stammered.

I sighed. “Sam told me about her because you never did.”

His stare hardened, glancing over towards the door. “It wasn't his place to tell you about her. Why the fuck do you want to know about her anyway?”

“Because you are so adamant about not falling in love, I needed to know why. I know she hurt you, and you've been closed off since but-” I tried to explain.

He cut me off. “You don't know anything. You don't know what happened with her.”

I raised my hands. “That's true. I don't know her, or what you went through. But the fact that you can't even say her name means that you're still hurt. But that's okay. I need you to know that I'm not her.”

He rolled his eyes, walking towards his office. “I'm done with this.”

I jumped in front of him. “No, listen to me, Colby! I love you. Full stop. I know you've been hurt before, but I would never hurt you. I care about you so much, and I need you to understand that I'm not pretending to love you. This is a hundred percent real. I love you.”

He shook his head. “I don't feel the same way.”

I ignored the ache that came to my heart. “After almost a whole year of doing this, you don't have a single feeling for me?”

“No. I stuck to my promise.” He jeered.

“…You're lying.” I mumbled.

“How would you know?” He doubted.

“So you mean to tell me that after all the nights we spent together, all the parties we went to, the multiple times we slept together, the amount of times our friends have joked about us being a couple, the fact we literally both agreed to never see anyone else outside of each other, the actual date you took me on... after all that, no feelings.” I questioned; my tongue sharp.

Colby paused, then grunted out. “None.”

“You know what? Since you're so fucking adamant about us not being a thing, fine then. We're done.” I snapped.

I turned away from Colby, silent tears falling from my eyes. I could hear my heart pound in my ears, my face hot with anger and sadness. I grabbed my purse and headed towards the door.

His voice spoke suddenly. “It's better this way. We took this too far.”

I stopped dead in my tracks. I spun back around and walked back over to Colby.

“Cole, I want you to be honest with me. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me there is nothing there, I'll go. I'll act like none of this friends-with-benefits thing happened. We can go back to being actual friends with no benefits. But if you feel something for me and you're not giving it a shot because you don't want to get hurt, just know you're hurting me. And we will never be the same after this.” I pled, not being able to hold back any more tears.

Colby’s eyes landed on mine; a glossiness covered them. His voice, shaking.

“I don't love you, Zoe.”

I exhaled, my heart shattering. I bit my lip, my eyes falling away from his gaze. I nodded, and slowly walked back towards his front door.

I croaked, finally looking back at him. “I always liked your honesty, Cole.”

He stared back at me, his body tense.

“Too bad you suck at lying.” I shook my head, stepping out and slamming his door.

<< CHAPTER 6 || FINALE >>