#hey guys what if I cried and cried and cried and

[nightcoffee365]

There are cases where this could backfire.

Zorf (panicking): Where is it coming from? Does it need help?

Steve (puzzled): Hey relax Z nothings wrong what do you hear?

Zorf: Screaming! Human screaming howls of agony!

Steve: I got this. Don’t worry. HEY MARCUS!

[Marcus, a fellow human newer to the crew, shakes the reverie off his focus on station]

Marcus: What’s up what’s going on?

Zorf (calming): the cries have subsided.

Steve: Marcus, who’s your favorite band?

Marcus: wha? Oh. I’m a metal guy. Harder the better. Cannibal Corpse, Gorgoroth… classics man.

Steve: Ah. Got it. You may need a psy shield bud.

Telepathic aliens enjoy that humans will "play music" for hours at a time. When it's too mentally quiet on deck, they just announce the catchiest song titles they know and the humans will start thinking about it automatically.

The humans hate this so, so much.

Zorf: Human Steve, can you please play that song I like, the one with all the females

Steve: what

Zorf: A little bit of Monica in my life

Steve:

Steve: mother fu--

[billiesmainchick]

Pornst☆r

Billie Eilish x OF!Reader

Warnings- Smut, Softdom!billie, bottom!reader, phone sex, onlyfans, no plot really

A/N- This is lame but I’m trying to get back active! Sorry for any spelling errors. Hope you guys enjoy! Short! I’m sorry :(.

Your moans echoed throughout her laptop. Billie isn’t sure how she went down this rabbit hole into going on onlyfans but here she is. You put on a full show behind the camera..Billie couldn’t resist anymore, as soon as the session was over she dm’d you.

Richcockysugardaddy01 sent $1,000

NOTE: number?

After getting cleaned up and comfortable you go to your laptop and check all of the payment. “What’s this..?” You look close as you squint your eyes and gasp slightly. This was the biggest tip you’ve ever received, you never gave out your number but for a tip like this you’d thought it be fine. You dm the person her your number as you close your laptop putting it on your nightstand. You lay on your side and scroll on social media as the rain pours outside. Until you get a message.

310-807-3959

Hey is this y/n?

You stare at the message for a few and respond quickly with a simple yes. Not even 5 minutes later the number is calling you, you’re hesitant to answer but you do. It’s silent for a few minutes and then a voice speaks. “Hello..” She says on the other end of the phone You slightly smile at the voice being a girl. “Hi..what’s your name” you ask slowly and curiously. “You don’t need to know right now..just call me Bils.” She says almost as if she’s in a rush. “Okay Bils…why did you want my number?” she takes a moment before she responds.

“Honestly I’m not sure how I even got to the point I’m at.” She chuckles. “I was being curious and got wrapped up and I seen your videos and I couldn’t stop watching.” she says as she bites down on her lip. You hum softly. “Is there anything I can help you with..?” You ask and her lips twitch into a smirk.

Show me who you are.

“Do you think..you could play with yourself on the phone with me baby?” You can hear the cockiness in her tone. You feel yourself getting wet. You hum slightly. “Good girl..now slide whatever pants you have on you off.” She says softly, the words dripped off her tongue like honey. You follow her commands quickly..you aren’t sure why you did but here you are naked on your bottom half. “Okay…they’re off.” You say shyly. “Good girl..now slide your hands around your body and imagine it’s me.” She purrs.

You close your eyes softly and let her voice guide you. You bring your hand down to your chest and pinch your nipple slightly as you moan. “You’re doing so good mama.” She says after she hears your whimpers. “Now move your hand slowly down to your clit and rub it f’me.” She says. You follow what she says and rub your clit. You start at a slow pace and speed up, you feel your orgasm approaching. “Bils..Bils please let me cum for you. I’ve been such a good girl!” You whine out.

She chuckles. “Not yet baby..finger yourself.” You slightly groan as you stick your fingers into your hole and pound at a rapid pace. Your cries get loudly and she groans over the phone at the sound of your silk. “Please..please let me cum I need to cum for you.” You plead and beg as your eyes start to tear up. “Go ahead baby let it out for me.” As soon as she gives you the permission you cum on spot.

“Such a good girl.” She smirks. “Get yourself cleaned up pretty girl. I’ll check up on you tomorrow.” She says in a careful voice. You whine slightly to let her know you heard her. She hung up the phone and you laid there in silence. Until a buzzing went off on your phone.

BILLIE EILISH sent you $2,000

NOTE: I’d like to get to know you more.

[myonexox]

NIGHT SHIFT: DAD EDITION

pairing : husband!jay x female!reader

synopsis : jay wakes up in the middle of the night to your crying baby. he doesn’t want to wake his tired wife so he tries to calm the baby himself.

word count : 1.4k

a/n : hey guys! sooo i randomly got this idea in the middle of the night when i couldn’t sleep and i used to do this for my younger brother when he was a baby. yeah so i thought why not turn it into a cute little story? lol. hope you enjoy it!

the quiet of the night was interrupted by a soft, wailing cry. you were sleeping soundly, your breathing slow and even, exhaustion evident in the way your body remained still despite the noise. beside you, jay stirred, his brows furrowing slightly as he heard the cries of your son.

still half-asleep, he blinked his eyes open, the dim light barely helping him adjust to the darkness of the room. he turned his head toward the crib and saw the tiny, wriggling form of your baby, his little face scrunched up in distress as he cried. a tired sigh escaped jay’s lips as he rubbed his eyes, pushing himself up on one elbow. he glanced at you, still deep in sleep and a wave of guilt washed over him.

he knew how much you had gone through today. your son had been fussy the whole afternoon, the fever making him uncomfortable and you had spent every waking moment tending to him. when jay came home from work, you barely had time to eat dinner before exhaustion finally overtook you. he knew waking you up would be the easiest solution but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.

he sat up fully and reached for the baby, lifting him gently into his arms. he rocked him slightly, whispering soft shushing sounds in an attempt to soothe him. “hey little guy… what’s wrong?” he murmured, pressing a soft kiss against the baby’s forehead. he was still warm but not as hot as before. that was a relief at least.

the cries didn’t subside though. the baby’s tiny fists flailed, his face scrunching up further as his cries turned more insistent. jay felt a twinge of panic. was he still feeling sick? was he in pain? and then it hit him. maybe he was just hungry.

his gaze flickered to you again, still deeply asleep. he knew you preferred breastfeeding over formula milk because of the benefits it provided. stronger immunity, better digestion and the emotional bond it created between you and your son. you had mentioned how important it was to you and he respected that. but now, faced with a hungry, crying baby and a completely exhausted wife, he felt torn.

he swallowed, conflicted. should he wake you up? he knew you wouldn’t be mad. but seeing you sleep so peacefully after such a long, draining day made him hesitate. he sighed, running a hand through his messy hair. “okay buddy, let’s try something else first” he whispered, bouncing the baby gently in his arms.

that was when he smelled it.

he stiffened, his nose wrinkling as the distinct, unpleasant odor filled the air. he hesitated for a moment, hoping he was wrong but one quick peek into the baby’s diaper confirmed his suspicions.

“great” he muttered under his breath, rubbing his temple. “of course it’s poop”

he glanced at you again, debating for a second but ultimately decided against waking you. he had never changed a diaper before, not completely on his own at least. but how hard could it be? he had watched you do it plenty of times. he could figure it out. probably.

with another sigh, he stood up carefully, making sure to support the baby’s head as he carried him toward the bathroom. the baby continued to fuss in his arms, his little legs kicking against jay’s chest.

“alright alright i get it. you hate this. but we gotta do it, bud”

he flicked on the bathroom light, squinting at the sudden brightness. he laid the baby down on the changing mat and hesitated for a second, staring at the tiny, soiled diaper. “okay i can do this”

he unfastened the diaper and the smell immediately hit him like a brick wall. he gagged slightly, turning his head away. “oh my god. what have you been eating, huh?” he muttered, half to himself, half to the baby. of course the baby didn’t answer. he just kept crying.

taking a deep breath, jay grabbed the wipes and carefully cleaned the baby’s bottom, grimacing slightly at the mess. he worked as quickly as he could, murmuring soft reassurances the entire time. “i know, buddy. i know. almost done”

the moment the cool water touched his skin, the baby let out an ear-piercing wail. jay winced but continued, trying his best to be gentle. he rinsed the baby’s bottom, making sure he was thoroughly clean before wrapping him up in a soft towel.

“okay all clean now” jay cooed, pressing a kiss to the baby’s forehead. “see? that wasn’t so bad”

the baby didn’t seem convinced. he was still whimpering, his tiny fingers clutching at jay’s shirt.

jay carried him back to the bedroom and laid him down on the bed, pulling out a fresh diaper and baby oil. he squeezed a small amount onto his palm, rubbing it between his hands to warm it up before gently massaging it onto the baby’s legs and stomach.

“there we go” he whispered, his voice soft and soothing. “all fresh and clean now”

he carefully fastened the new diaper, making sure it wasn’t too tight and then reached for the tiny trousers, sliding them up the baby’s legs. once everything was in place, he lifted the baby into his arms again, rocking him gently.

but the baby was still fussy. his tiny hands grabbed at jay’s shirt, his mouth making small sucking motions.

“you’re still hungry, huh?” jay sighed, looking down at the baby’s pleading eyes. he turned his head just in time to see you stir awake, your eyes fluttering open.

“jay?” your voice was thick with sleep, your brows furrowed in confusion. “what’s going on?”

he glanced at you sheepishly. “uh… i was trying to let you sleep but i think he’s hungry”

you pushed yourself up, rubbing the sleep from your eyes as you looked at your son. he was still fussing, his little face pressed against his daddy's chest. you smiled softly, reaching for him.

“come here baby” you murmured, taking him into your arms.

jay watched as you settled against the pillows, cradling your son close as he latched onto you. the moment he started feeding, the cries quieted, replaced by soft, contented suckling sounds.

jay let out a breath of relief, running a hand through his hair. “wow. that was a lot”

still drowsy, you inhaled deeply. there was a faint but familiar scent lingering in the air, one you knew all too well. you yawned, rubbing your eyes as you turned to your husband.

"did he poop?" you asked, your voice laced with sleep.

he blinked at you, his expression shifting from exhaustion to surprise. "wait- how do you know?"

you smiled. "i smelled the oil"

he stared at you for a moment as if processing your words before letting out a short laugh. "wow, you have a mom superpower or something"

you chuckled, looking up at him with sleepy eyes. “you changed his diaper?”

he nodded. “yep. all by myself. it was… an experience”

you laughed softly, reaching out to squeeze his hand. “thank you jay”

he shrugged, leaning in to press a kiss to your forehead. “you’ve done a lot more than this. it’s the least i can do”

you smiled, warmth spreading in your chest as you looked at him. you really were lucky to have a husband like jay.

as you gazed at him, watching the way he rubbed his eyes in exhaustion yet still managed to smile at you, your heart swelled with love and gratitude. it wasn’t just about the late night diaper changes or the way he rocked your baby in his arms, whispering sweet reassurances even when he was just as sleep deprived as you. it was the way he cared, not just in words but in actions, in the little sacrifices he made without hesitation.

he was the kind of man who paid attention to the smallest details. he noticed when you were too tired to speak, when you needed a moment to yourself, when your shoulders ached from carrying your son all day. he would massage them without being asked, kiss the top of your head and tell you he appreciated everything you did even when you felt like you weren’t doing enough.

jay was the kind of man who despite coming home from work exhausted, would still take over baby duties just to give you a break.

and it wasn’t just about being a great father, he was an incredible husband. he didn’t realize that what he did, choosing to love and to care, meant the world to you.

no, you weren’t just lucky to have him, you were blessed.

[wizard-on-whales]

Okay but imagine late 80s to 90s James dating an overly emotional girl. He's the macho, men don't cry type of guy who doesn't let anyone see him get emotional over anything. He's either just stoic, angry, or occasionally silly but that's it.

But she's a roadie who he quickly falls for and they start spending all of their time together. But just as quickly as he fell for her, he realizes just how emotional she gets over things and how often she cries.

The first time it happened he panicked, walking into a backroom where she was organizing some chords and seeing her a complete mess. He rushed over to her, wrapping his arms around her and cooing.

"Hey..hey, birdie why are you crying, what's wrong!" He questions in a bit of a panic, making her look up at him.

"I'm okay...I just can't get these chords wrapped right!" She sobbed, dropping her head to his chest. He looks over at the chords on the desk, perfectly wrapped in his eyes.

"Baby, they look fine, why are you crying over something like this," James sighs softly, lifting her head from his chest and wiping her tears.

"I keep wrapping them the wrong direction and having to start over! They go a certain direction! I always wrap them that way!"

After that day he realized there were many things that she had to do a specific way or she'd burst into tears and criticize herself. Although it was a little upsetting to hear her call herself stupid over the smallest things, he could help but smile at some of her childish tendencies.

And when it got worse it was an easy indicator of her period getting ready to start soon. He'd prepare by getting her chocolate and making sure she had her heating pad and meds. And of course, his simple efforts made her cry over how sweet he was.

The tour was over and she had come home with him. James was at the studio all day but he promised he'd bring something home for dinner, he decided on pizza. He stumbled through the door of the house and set the food down on the counter, his ears picking up on a soft sniffling.

He rounds the corner of the kitchen and steps onto the living room where she was sitting on the couch crying, a photo clutched in her hands.

"What's got you crying now, Birdie?" He asks softly, stepping over to the couch. She looks over at him with her messy face and puffy eyes, another sob escaping her as she holds out the photo. It was a childhood photo of his.

"You were so cute, I just wanna hold you!" She sputters out causing him to laugh softly and shake his head in amusement. He sits down on the couch and pulls her head to his shoulder, kissing the top of her hair.

"You're a little mess, you know that," He says affectionately, stroking her hair. He couldn't help but feel his heart warm over the fact that she was crying over his baby photos.

"I just wanna hold you and make all your pain go away," She mutter softly, her thumb gently stroking the photo as her tears fall. James had never really understood how she got emotional over simple words and actions but as she says that he can't help but feel a pang of longing in his chest, his throat closing, and tears threatening his eyes.

"You seemed so sweet but so sad. I hate everything you went through," She continues, sniffling softly and trying to look up at him but he doesn't let her in fear of her seeing his glossy eyes. He swallows thickly and takes the photo from her hands, looking at it himself. Baby James...where did it all go wrong? He thought to himself...why was that my life? Why did those things happen? And why is this lovely woman in my arms so emotional over wanting to protect me at that age...

He feels her hands on his cheeks, her thumbs stroking the silent tears that had fallen. She looks at him with concern before tugging his head to her lap and wrapping her body protectively around his head. His hands gripped her tightly as a sob left his lips, a sound that hadn't left him in who knows how long...maybe not since that photo was taken. She coos to him softly, her own tears falling quicker at the sound of his broken cries and how tightly he was clutching her, as if she was a lifeline. Right now, to her, he was the same little boy in that photo. She rocked him softly, her fingers stroking his hair, letting him cry.

"I love you," he mutters quietly, looking up at her with a pout on his lip, his cheeks red and wet with tears. Her own face matched his as she leans down and places a kiss against his forehead.

"I love you too, My Lion."

His little bowtie....OH MY SHAYLA 😭🙏

✭-----------------------------✭

[klinefelterrible]

Narcissa knew that Andy left a house and a House but never stopped being The Best Sister and Andy was still like „hey what’s up Cissy” and Narcissa was like „mom is tearing your room apart” and Andy is like „I left a stinkbomb with her name on it, wanna have fun?” and Narcissa says „also Bellatrix says she’ll kill you on the spot for betraying the family” and Andy is like „tell her I have a picture of her eating my big, race-traitoring ass” and then she’s like „anyway how’s Lucius doing?” and Narcissa says „I miss you” and then they both cry and Andy tells her how to meet her and when they do, Cissy cries for eight minutes straight and then eleven minutes gay and she needs to sit down because her heels are not that comfortable on a cobbled street. And then she meets Ted who is a funny guy and Cissy’s make up is ruined but she laughs a lot when Ted shows her his little button quails he enjoys having in his pockets and under the hat and they agree they will never stop being a family and then Lucius comes late to the coffee shop and orders a big apple pie and realises he has no muggle money so he gets embarrassed and allows Andy to pay for his order and then he and Ted talk about magical animals that grew into tiny little civilisations and the sisters look into each others eyes and they KNOW that it will be okay

People talk a lot about how Regulus felt when Sirius left but what about what Narcissa felt when Andromeda left?

[rottenpumpkin13]

AGSZC try connect the dots.

*Everyone has been forced into Lazard's office after he caught them arguing. He's made them sit in a circle, drink juice boxes, and complete activity books to calm down*

Lazard: See how nice and quiet this is? You guys are friends, you have no reason to argue!

Sephiroth: These numbers on my connect-the-dots are clearly wrong. The sequence is illogical.

Genesis: For the last time, it's a butterfly, not a mathematical theorem!

Sephiroth: But if you follow the trajectory of points 15 through 23, it creates an impossible angle for what's supposedly a wing.

Zack: Guys, guys! Look, mine's a puppy!

Angeal: Zack, you skipped number 7. That puppy is missing an eye.

Zack: OH, SO WE'RE ABLEIST NOW?

Angeal:

Cloud: Uh, does anyone want my apple juice? I don't like it.

Genesis, putting his pen down: How dare you? That's Banora White apple juice. Invented by yours truly, concocted from my blood, sweat tears—

Angeal: And daddy's money…

Genesis: At least MY father is alive and well!

Angeal: Leave my father out of this, or I'll tell everyone about the time you cried because a butterfly wouldn't land on your finger!

Sephiroth: Speaking of butterflies, this one is anatomically incorrect. The wingspan ratio is off by 0.47%

Cloud: Zack, do you want my juice?

Genesis: NO! You've INSULTED the pride of Banora! Drink it!

Zack: Hey don't try to force-feed my man juice!

Cloud: I'm not your man??

Zack: OH, SO WE'RE BREAKING UP NOW.

Cloud:

Angeal: Genesis cried at the butterfly TWICE!

Genesis: WELL, SEPHIROTH CRIED WHEN A NURSE AT MEDICAL HELD HIS HAND BECAUSE SHE REMINDED HIM OF HIS MOTHER.

*Sephiroth summons Masamune and all hell breaks loose. Everyone is screaming, arguing, and throwing things*

Lazard, on the phone: Yes, hello? Animal Control? Bring the strongest tranquilizers you have. All of them.

[nameless-jamie]

I Want You...Professionally

Masterlist

Jamie Tartt x fem! PA reader

TW: cursing

A/N: A tiny little fluff scenario. Just for the vibes.

It was vacation time for Jamie's favorite assistant. Well, his only assistant. She had organized everything, a temporary assistant for Jamie, a good book she could read while relaxing on her couch, but she obviously didn't calculate Jamie's brattiness.

Y/N had barely been out for a week when the first text came in.

Jamie: Who the fuck is this Jerry lad?

She frowned at the message before another one followed.

Jamie: He’s in my kitchen, Y/N. My sanctuary. What’s next? My fucking shower?

Jamie: If he touches my shampoo, I’m calling the police.

She sighed, rubbing her temple. She had warned Jamie that a temp assistant would be sent to work for him while she was on leave. He probably didn't listen. It was supposed to be a good thing—someone to help manage his schedule, make sure he made it to training on time, and prevent situations exactly like this, all while Y/N could chill for like a week. Just one week, please!

Instead, it seemed like Jamie had decided to make it his personal mission to be as difficult as humanly possible.

Y/N: He’s literally just there to help. Be nice.

Jamie: Define “nice.”

Y/N: Don’t scare him off in under a week.

Jamie: Cannot promise that babe.

It did not take a week.

It took two days.

By that time Y/N got an angry phone call from Rebecca. Jamie had apparently run through the poor temp guy so fast that Rebecca had personally told her, “You need to deal with your idiot. Right now!”

And if the exasperation in her voice hadn’t already told Y/N everything she needed to know, the look on the temp’s face when she arrived at the club to talk to him, spoke louder than words could.

The man looked exhausted. Defeated. Like he had seen things no personal assistant should ever have to see.

"Jerry, hey how are things?" Y/N approached the man carefully and spoke in a soft voice. Damn, he looked like he was about to break.

“I can’t do it, Y/N” he had said, shaking his head. “He’s impossible.”

“Yeah,” she had sighed. “He does that sometimes.”

"He sleeps bottomless. BOTTOMLESS! He told me that I have the energy of a wet paper towel. And he only ever eats protein bars."

Jerry started crying out of frustration and hugged Y/N's shoulder, a little too tight. Nice, her favorite blouse is now tear-stained. Fuckin' Tartt.

Y/N patted Jerry's back awkwardly. "Shit, okay. I'll deal with it."

So when Jamie showed up at her flat unannounced that evening—because of course he did—she was more than ready to deal with him.

“Jamie,” she deadpanned, crossing her arms. “What the fuck.”

Jamie blinked at her. “What?”

“You terrorized him.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“You made him cry, Jamie.” Y/N deadpanned.

Jamie scoffed. “I barely said anythin'. He cried over one little comment.”

“You told him he had ‘the energy of a wet paper towel.’”

Jamie shrugged. “He did.”

“Jamie.”

He sighed dramatically, flopping onto her couch like he had just run a marathon. “Nah, you don't get it, t'was a whole nightmare. He was just there all the time. Following me around, tellin’ me what to do, actin’ like he knew me.”

She narrowed her eyes. “You mean like how I do my job?”

“No.” He shook his head. “Not like you.”

“Oh, really?” She crossed the room, standing in front of him. “Because you’ve never had a problem with me following you around before and telling you what to do. But suddenly, this guy shows up, and you turn into a little shit?”

Jamie rolled his eyes. “I am a little shit. Always been one.”

She huffed. “Jamie.”

“What?” He ran a hand through his hair, exhaling sharply before looking up at her.

"Why is it different with me, tell me." She put her hand on his arm lovingly, trying to coax the answer out of him.

Jamie was frustrated. "I don't know. Maybe because you get me and... And maybe I don’t want someone else bossing me around, yeah? Maybe I just want you.”

The words hit her like a fucking freight train.

Jamie must’ve realized what he had said because his mouth snapped shut, his jaw tensing.

A beat of silence.

Then—

“In, like, a professional way?” Jamie said as more of a question than a statement.

“Jamie,” she said, with a warning voice.

He exhaled, shaking his head like he wanted to take it all back. “Forget it. I'll go apologize to the guy.”

“No Jamie, wait.” She stepped closer. "I mean you should definitely eventually apologize, you made the guy cry for god sake! But wait..."

Jamie met her gaze, something uncertain flickering behind his eyes.

She licked her lips, suddenly hyperaware of how close he was. “You want me?”

Jamie’s throat bobbed. “Yeah.”

Her heart stupidly skipped a beat. “In, like, a professional way.”

His lips twitched, but it wasn’t quite a smirk. “Sure. That.”

Her breath caught.

And then, because Jamie Tartt was a menace—because he could never just say something and leave it at that—he tilted his head, voice dropping to something dangerously soft.

“You okay, love?”

She could’ve denied it.

She should’ve denied it.

Instead, she let out a sharp breath and muttered, “Fuck you.”

Jamie grinned and turned toward the door. “Knew it. I'll be off then, apologizing to Berry.”

"His name is Jerry!"

"I knew that!"

The silence that followed after Jamie left wasn’t uncomfortable, but it was full of things left unsaid. Y/N thought about his words and their meaning a lot. Maybe I just want you.

Maybe they weren’t ready for the next step yet, and maybe they were, but for now, they both knew one thing—neither of them was going anywhere.

[wrongbodies]

Splendors of Youth/Toll of Time

It was quiet in the coffee shop when Travis walked in. His morning had not started well, angry texts from his ex reminding him how shit of a boyfriend he had been. But, still- he wasn't the boyfriend type. He wanted to enjoy being 22 and hot, able to walk into a club and leave with any guy he deemed worthy.

So when he walked into the shop, smelling of java and fresh pastries, he was barely cognizant of the old man standing by the counter. It wasn't that he was unable to see him, per se. It's that he often disregarded people who weren't his impending sexual dalliance, or someone giving him some sort of service.

The old man, however, was quite interested in the young man walking in. He - Bert - was admittedly still attracted to guys way too young for his 62 years of experience. The boy was wearing tight joggers, a tee-shirt tight enough to see his pecs, abs, and biceps. He also had a backwards cap on, which was a thing he secretly enjoyed - those straight-acting boys who presented masc. He could tell the boy had no care for him. In fact, he was not even flicking a single glance in his direction.

Despite Bert clearly standing in front of the register waiting for the barista to return with his coffee, Travis stepped right up to the counter. "Hey, can I get some service here!"

The young woman pouring coffee for Bert on the back wall looked up with confusion. "Yes, one moment please. I am serving this gentleman."

Travis followed her gesturing to Bert, who cocked a half-smile and nodded. Travis harrumphed, and gave him the cold shoulder.

"You seem testy. Everything alright?" Bert asked Travis.

"Why are speaking to me?" Travis said, not even turning around.

"Well, I thought maybe you might talk while you wait for your order." Bert explained.

"I don't need some crusty old queen to waste my time, ok? I'm just running late and need this caffeine bad." Travis waved, still not looking at Bert.

"Ok, no need for the jab. Aren't you a ray of sunshine..." Bert snipped.

"Ugh, of course he gets sassy." Travis bemoans into the air.

"You just don't think I'm worth your time or attention. I get it. You are young, hot, and want to enjoy it. I admit I miss those days. It doesn't mean you have to be a brat about it, though." Bert chided.

"Well, I also don't need your lecture. But here we are." Travis said, finally turning.

"Hi!" A cheery voice said from behind. The two looked at the woman behind the counter. "I think you'd both enjoy a sample of this. It's a new coffee we are testing!"

Travis and Bert looked at her, a big beaming smile eerily distracting them from their tiff.

"Uh... thanks?" Travis mumbled, accepting the tiny cup of coffee. It almost had a purple color? He tossed it back, and felt the hot liquid surging through his body. A strange sensation overtaking him, feeling a little lighter somehow.

Bert took his, and followed suit. The liquid similarly surged through his esophagus, down into his stomach where it too made him feel light. The two stood for a moment, and then stumbled back as they both had a simultaneous headrush. Colors swam across their vision, and a sound whirled in their ears.

As the sensation receded, the two felt themselves coming to. Both were turned from one another, having twisted about in their short fit. Bert, suddenly quite terse cried out, "Whatever that was is NOT coffee, you bitch!"

Travis turned, and snapped at the angry Bert. "Hey kid, calm down!"

Except, the Travis who turned and saw Bert was no longer Travis. He was stunned as he took in the image of a man before him. An old man, fine white hair, wrinkly face, the sweater and button-up combo he distinctly remember choosing this morning...

The man who wore Bert's face was now turning and having a similar experience. He saw the young, fit man wearing his joggers and gym shirt... his face??

"What the hell is this..." Travis said, feeling his tongue in his mouth, the very texture of it suddenly, aggressively foreign to him. He was also acutely aware of his bones, feeling them grinding across one another at the joints, his body suddenly much colder too.

Bert was experiencing a different sensation. He felt vital, with an energy in his limbs that felt capable of summiting a mountain right here and now. He was warm, and quite firm as he probed his chest and arms with youthful, unwrinkled hands.

"Enjoy your coffee!" The barista called out. She then disappeared by the counter into the backroom.

As the barista mader her swift exit, Bert was struck by a similar impulse. This was a gift, karmic, cosmic, who cared? He was hot, young, and immensely fuckable.

"Well, see ya kid!" He sang to Travis, now trapped in his older frame. "I'm gonna go."

"No, wait! We need to swap back. I can't be... this? You?!" Travis pleaded, as he reached for Bert's arm. Bert yanked his arm away from Travis' grasp.

"I think not. Maybe this will be a good experience for you. On the other hand, I know this will be a very fun experience for me." Bert started to walk away, when his phone- Travis' phone- chimed. "Oh, who is this? An ex of yours?"

"Noooo! Don't talk to him!" Travis complained.

"Oh, he is cute... I think I'll give him a call. See if he'll take you... or me, back?" Bert smirked. He wondered why anyone would have split with such a cute guy. He spun around and walked through the door. Travis on the other hand started yelling for the barista to come back and reverse this.

She would never appear.

[robot-roadtrip-rants]

Because I am a CHUMP and a FOOL I went and watched the short after I finished your video. It brought up a lot of memories from my youth. As some of your commenters noted, Amberlynn is a stereotype from the aughts, not from the 20s. I saw jokes like Amberlynn all over the place when I was a teen. I remember the fandom and the fangirls who inspired the Amberlynn jokes. Let me tell you about the world--well, the US--that the real-life Amberlynns grew up in.

This is the era of abstinence-only education. Purity balls are in the news, and Disney Channel pop stars are wearing purity rings. When Amberlynn is a teenager, her teachers tells her that people who have pre-marital sex are like chewed-up gum. When she turns on the TV, she hears Miley Cyrus announcing that True Love Waits. If her family goes to church, she may have been issued a promise ring. Amberlynn is a nerdy girl; she may be reading fantasy/sci-fi novels with smutty content, like I did when I was a teen. And she may have to hide those novels from her parents, like my friends did, or else they'll get taken away--she's too young for that filth.

But there's this wonderful new thing called the Internet. It opens up all kinds of amazing doors. Amberlynn has been composing adventures about her favorite characters in her head for years, and now she learns--she's not the only one! There's this whole site, fanfiction.net, where people post all the adventures they composed for their fandoms. Some of it--gulp!--is pornographic. And there's this thing called a "blog"--it's sort of like an anonymous online diary. Amberlynn can post whatever she likes, and no one will know it's her! Best of all, her parents have no idea what she's getting up to on the computer. They're probably not Internet literate. If Amberlynn is careful, they'll never find out about all the filthy, disgusting smut she's reading and writing, they'll never know all the fucked up, angsty thoughts that she lets out on her Livejournal.

And all that filthy, disgusting smut that she's writing...well, there's kind of a running theme. Whether het or slash, the top is always a dominant, sexually aggressive man forcing his attentions on a shy, innocent, submissive bottom (either woman or uke). The bottom always cries and struggles and insists that they totally don't want to have sex, but when the top keep harassing them, they slowly give up the fight. They can't help themselves, it just feels too good to be kissed, felt up, penetrated. Pretty fucked up, right? Why on earth would anyone write such problematic, rape-excusing shit?

I want you to go back and reread my second paragraph, and I want you to think about what that does to a teenage girl. What it's like to be told that having sex is like being chewed up and thrown away like gum, to hear pop stars on TV tell you that "not everyone, guy or girl, wants to be a slut!" You're looking at the boys around you and you're wondering what it would be like to touch and be touched, and everything around you tells you those desires are Wrong and Bad and Slutty. That's what Amberlynn is going through right now. Good Girls don't have sex. Good Girls don't even want sex. But hey...if a really hot guy forced really good sex on you...well...it's not your fault, right? Not even if you enjoyed it.

Amberlynn isn't the first girl to unconsciously follow this line of thought. This shit predates the Internet by centuries. I'm dead serious, you can find Regency romance novels that follow the same formula. Dubcon/noncon gives women who have been raised in repressive environments an excuse to enjoy sexual fantasies without feeling shitty about their natural urges. A lack of agency means a lack of guilt.

Now, the Internet offers Amberlynn a degree of freedom to express herself that she may not have felt beforehand. But it isn't 100% free. Early on in her geeky Internet journey, Amberlynn is going to learn that not all geeks are created equal. There's a hierarchy.

See, geeks in the aughts really REALLY want everyone to know that they're Not Like Other Geeks. Society hadn't atomized into a million little niches yet; there was much greater pressure to conform to "normal." Geeks weren't "normal." And the way we handled that was to cannibalize our own.

One of the best ways to demonstrate normality is to find an even weirder person and mock them for their normality. So that's what we did. I say "we" because I definitely participated. I laughed at all the furry jokes. I sneered at the OCs and the self-inserts. I'm guessing Vivziepop did, too. We were geek kids learning how to be geek adults, and our only model was, well, The Geek Hierarchy. And it was really, really important to reaffirm our normality because, deep down inside, we knew we were at the bottom of the hierarchy.

Geek girls are abnormal. Geek girls are intruders into male spaces. Geek girls write fanfiction (ew!) about boys kissing (EW!), and they obsess over hot male characters (EW EW EW!!). It's normal for (straight!) dudes to thirst over sexy female leads, to draw dirty fanart, or to even write their favorite male character kicking ass and getting allllll the pussy in 50-chapter sagas that everyone praises. But a woman doing the same to male characters? Or worse, writing them as a f****t? Disgusting.

(I'm sticking to the cishet perspective here because that was my experience, but TRUST ME, there were queer issues a-plenty. Not a few of the Amberlynns of my era were using fic spaces to figure out their sexualities and/or gender identities. I don't think I can describe those experiences, but I want you to know they were happening.)

So if you're a geek girl in the aughts, you never, ever, ever talk about your fic to anyone outside your fanfic circle. You definitely don't discuss dirty fic, or self-inserts, or slash. You never talk about your ships, you never crack certain jokes, you never give people your Livejournal (or Tumblr, or AO3, or...). And when other nerds mock those FREAKS and WEIRDOS obsessing too much over their smutty headcanons and ships and whatnot, you nod and smile. You comply with the Geek Hierarchy.

Amberlynn doesn't comply. Amberlynn chooses violence.

By the time we meet Amberlynn in her twenties, she has long since abandoned any pretense of normality. She proudly wears her fandom merch. She covers her walls in monsterfucker posters. She has the gall to watch pornography. And--gasp!--she has kinky, gross fantasies, and she wants to be desired. She is every stereotype of gross girl geeks piled into one character.

Are we going to discuss how geek girls have used fandom spaces to explore their sexualities for decades? Are we going to discuss how purity culture has impacted those explorations? Are we even going to bring up how so, so many people who have issues with organized religion will latch onto Hell/paganism/magic/whatever their childhood faith told them was Bad? No. Amberlynn has grievously violated the Geek Hierarchy. She needs to be punished. She needs to be made an example of what not to do.

I may be swinging a bat at a hornet's nest here but comparing the Weeaboo-boo short to literally any Hunter: The Parenting episode, especially Boy Story or any episode with Grimal in it, really makes the difference clear. That short sucked so much ass, mostly due to mean-spirited misogyny.

[thegeeksideofsr]

Positive

Summary: Eliot finds a positive pregnancy test in the bathroom after getting home late from a job.

A/n: I know this gif is from season one and he's holding a thumb drive, but it fits the story kinda. El may be a little out of character, but I tried. Enjoy!

***********************************************

It's been two weeks since I took the test. The positive symbol staring back at me.

It's in a drawer of the bathroom now. Buried under hair brushes, hair products, and a box of unopened condoms.

The days seem to go by in a blur. Going through the motions of survival while trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm pregnant.

Man, that's weird. My dad might have a heart attack. He nearly had one when he found out about Eliot and I. He was so angry at first, but he's been getting better about it.

I called Alice once the timer went off. She came over and held me while I cried.

She, Kate, and Deklan have practically put me on maternity leave six months early. They all are so supportive and wonderful, but the ones I want to be here and supporting me aren't.

I've had time to come to terms with it. It's still strange to know I'm carrying a baby, but I want them, even if I'm not completely ready. They are going to be amazing.

This morning I looked up some midwives in the area, found one, and gave them a call for an appointment.

I know the general time it happened, but I still want to be sure.

Once the appointment was made, I tucked into the couch to watch a movie. Under the warm blanket, and with the emotions from the last three days taking over, I drift of to the white noise of the movie.

A hand caressing my face, and a kiss to my forehead wakes me up.

Moving slightly, and opening my eyes a little, a form next to the couch comes into blurry view.

"Hey there, sweetheart," Eliot whispers.

"Please tell me you're really here, and I'm not dreaming again."

"I'm here. And I ain't planning to go anywhere any time soon."

I pull myself up, and finally look at him clearly.

He looks tired, and his hair is a little shorter, but he's still my Eliot.

I untangle my self from my blanket and launch into his arms, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and legs around his waist, my face pressed to his shoulder.

He catches me with ease. He tucks his face into my neck, his own arms wrap around my ribs and waist as we hold onto each other.

"I love you," he whispers, his scruff harsh against my skin.

"I love you, too."

With those few words the dam breaks.

I begin to sob, uncontrollably as he holds me.

"I missed you so much, darlin'. I got you."

I cry harder at his words, hoping that he won't change his mind when he finds out about the baby.

A deep breath to calm down, triggers a reaction I wasn't expecting.

I pull away from him, bringing a hand to cover my mouth and nose.

"What?"He asks, concern written across his face. "What is it?"

"You smell," I sob out.

He chuckles as my comment as he wipes tears from my cheek.

"I know. I need a shower, and some sleep."

I nob and take a few more deep breaths to calm down.

He leans back to his feet, and stand up. He holds a hand out to me, I take it, and he gently pulls me to my feet, then leads me to the bedroom.

I sit on the bed, legs tucked up under me, watching him as he strips, tossing his clothes in the hamper.

Nothing seems different. No new injuries or scars. Just a huge bruise, going from his shoulder, down his back to his ribs.

"What happened?" I ask. "To cause the bruises. Those aren't from a fight."

"Parker and I went up to the summit of this mountain, looking for a guy who got lost up there. We ended up falling into the same hole he did. We got lucky though."

"He didn't make it, did he?"

"No. It was deliberate. We got the guy that did it, though."

"That's good."

Clad in just his underwear he walks to bathroom, leaving me on the bed. The water comes on a moment later.

He comes back to the door way, eyebrow quirked and smirk.

"Wanna join me?" He ask.

"Absolutely."

I jump up and strip as I head to the bathroom, leaving a trail behind, gaining a wicked chuckle from Eliot.

We climb in the shower, the hot water soothing. We both wash up, washing the others hair, and each other, before rinsing off, and enjoying being together again.

I watch as he stands under the stream, washing the stress away, wondering how I'm going to tell him about the baby. Then his gaze turns to me.

"What are you thinking about?" He asks, moving a strand of wet hair from my face.

"Huh?"

"You have that look on your face. Like there's somthin' botherin' you."

"I'm fine, El. It can wait."

"So there is somethin' on your mind."

"Yes. But it can wait until you are rested and settled back in."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

He doesn't look convinced. I try changing the subject by kissing him, which works wonders. Kisses always distracts him.

He leans into the kiss, arms wrapping around me and pulling my body flush with his.

We both get lost in each other. Hands travel as we reacquaint ourselves with each other, slowly building up to a long awaited reunion.

It's bliss. Until, his hand came to my breasts and squeezed slightly. No more then he had ever done before, but this time it hurt so much that it pulls a gasp and whimper from me.

I pull away from him completely, stepping back and wrapping my arms around my chest.

I close my eyes, not wanting to look at him.

"Baby. What was that? Did I hurt you?"

His voice is so soft, barely audible over the water.

"No. Just surprised me."

"That was more then surprise. I know how you sound surprised when I touch you, and when your hurt, and that sounded like hurt."

He closes the gap between us, his hands coming up to hold my head. He gently turns my head to look at him.

His brows are knit together, and eye round with worry.

"What happened?" He asks again.

"Nothing."

I pull my head from his hands, and leave the shower, grabbing my towel from the rack, wrapping it around me, and leaving the bathroom, latching the door behind me.

Pov Switch

Eliot sighs as the door clicks closed.

He turns and shuts the water off, then climbs out of the shower, and grabs a towel from the closet. He dries off, then wraps the towel around his waist, then rings his hair out over the tub, then starts brushing his hair out.

He racks his brain for any reason that she might be acting this way.

She was fine when they left for San Lorenzo, and the quick visit when they got state side. She knew that if something happened she could call, but she didn't.

And she never minded when he touched her, normaly she encouraged it. But this time, she flinched like it hurt. Yes her breasts get tender during PMS, but not this bad.

Nothing was wrong. Nothing he knows about.

He lets out a low growl, as he slams his brush down on the counter.

He has to take care of his hair, or it with become a fluffy rats nest.

He digs through the drawers, searching for his things, finding them after taking half of the drawers contents out. He sets what he needs on the counter, then starts replacing what he took out.

As he shoves them back in, he uncovers a piece of plastic, caught up with hair ties and combs. He picks it up to inspect it. White, with a pink cap, and on one side, a small screen with the word positive on the display.

The world stops, and his heart drops.

That would explain it. The tenderness, the odd smell sensitivity, and the question dodging.

She's pregnant. With his baby.

He stands on shaky legs, his hand shakes as well. His gaze holding fast to the test in his hand.

A baby. She is pregnant with his baby. And he is torn.

She would be a good mother, calm and sweet, but stern and fierce when needed.

But him? He was damaged and dangerous. His job was to hit people and lie. But at least Moroe was gone. One shadow of his past gone.

He sets the test of the counter to wash his hands from the trash, then grabs it again and opens the door.

He finds the woman who holds his heart, and now mother of his child, sitting on the bed, clad in one of his shirts as the brushes her own hair out.

"When did you find out?" He asks.

"What?" She looks up at him, looking like a dear caught in headlights.

He holds the test up to show her. Her eye move from his face to his hand, blood draining from he face.

"How did you find that?"

"Was lookin' for my hair stuff, found this while puttin' stuff back. Baby, when did you find out?"

Her eyes well up and flutter, her chin quivers.

Eliot crosses the room to sit next to her on the bed.

"Talk to me, please," he begs.

"Two weeks ago," she says, and the dam breaks.

His heart drops. Two weeks, and she didn't call.

"Why didn't you call me? You should have called me."

"You were on a job. I didn't want to distract or stress you out even more."

He sighs and pulls her into his chest, holding her head as she sobs.

"It's okay," he whispers. " It's gonna be okay. I promise. Just breathe."

"I'm sorry, Eliot," she sobs out. "I was gonna tell you, but I wanted to wait for the right moment."

"It's okay," he whispers. "Come on."

He gently pulls her with him to lay down on the bed, her head resting over his heart, their arms wrap around each other, her breathing slowly calms.

"Do you even want kids, Eliot?" She murmurs.

He squeezes her, the rolls her onto her side or lean over her, hand caressing her face.

" I never thought about it. Not before you." He starts. "I have never had the kind of life that would allow kids. I've done things that I'm not proud of, and-" he hesitates.

"What?"

"Our last job, the one that took us out of the country."

She nods.

"You got so distant. I thought you were going to end things between us. You all kept me in the dark."

"I'm sorry, darlin'. We just wanted to keep you safe. I think that is the only thing about you that your dad and I can agree on."

She huffs a laugh.

"After we broke Nate out of prison," he starts. "A woman came, and she black mailed us to take down a crime lord. Said we had to or she would kill us, and you. I had to protect you from her, and him."

"Him?"

He breaks eye contact.

"I used to work for him. I did terrible things for him. I got out eventually, was lost for while. Then got hired for a job, and met Nate," he looks back to her. " And you."

She smiles.

"I don't deserve to be a father," he starts. "To have anything so pure and innocent. But I'm selfish. I do want them. Do you?"

Her body relaxes as she nods, a new wave of tears begin to fall from her eyes.

"You really want this?" She asks.

"Yes."

POV Switch

Relieve floods me.

He want the baby. He's not leaving

He looks happy, a smile making his eye crinkle, and dimples appear, tears slide down his cheeks.

I bring my hand to his face, taking my turn to wipe the tears away.

"We're having a baby," he whispers.

"We're having a baby."

***********************************************

[sh5]

portraits under the cut

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Why are you running?

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[micamone]

hewwo

[tomurakii]

I like bloodweave. Okay. But I DON'T like the version of them in fanfic where Astarion is a dick and Gale is like. Whining and pleading for him to be emotionally vulnerable (or just. Nice to him) prior to the relationship being established. Because that is just not accurate. Gale needs the player to express interest in him during his weave-teaching scene before he even considers hitting on them properly. Gale is entirely resigned to his fate and needs someone else to pull him away from it. Gale only starts being sweet and romantic and devoted after you accept his love confession and give him hope for the future. Gale says fuck all and then slinks away to cry privately if you break up with him.

Like he isn't chasing after people lmao. He isn't dropping to his knees and crying about anything much less this dickhead he met a week ago. He is overwhelmingly passive about literally everything personal to him up to and including his own death (provided there are no casualties/there is a good reason) until after the player expresses that they care about him. Astarion is not doing that in any of these fics.

Like Gale is friendly and a dork and doesn't wanna get murdered but he fully has a suicide plan. He thought the artefacts would help him survive but he didn't believe he'd ever truly live again. If Gale confessed and Astarion said/did like one (1) mean thing afterward Gale's romance is closed off forever. He's wandering into the forest to cry. He's killing himself immediately. His fragile ego and self worth can't take it. You have to understand that when we joke about him being pathetic it's not bc he's like. Sopping wet and chasing people down and begging for a scrap of attention. It's because he craves affection but would literally rather die than ask or even hope for it until someone else forces that hope back into his serotonin-deficient tadpole brain.

[manglw]

guh just finished playing dsaf 3 i am. mentally unwell

[lemonberry-soda]

Do you ever think about the fact that Ted is hypersexual due to his childhood/teenage traumas or is that just me?

Like not only did he associate losing his first love forever with not being douchebaggy enough, but he also experienced the Lumber Axe and survived. With how quickly Peter was about to be murdered for looking at Ted’s old magazine you KNOW Ted probably had to deal with narrow escape after narrow escape himself. Ted literally suppresses the memory of the Lumber Axe entirely until bringing Peter to camp reminds him, and he doesn’t even take Peter with him as he runs away. He is FUcked up.

My guy went for the cat lady who cut off his fingers because sex is inherently dangerous to him in his mind. He goes for the worst options on purpose because sex isn’t safe unless there’s risk, and he goes for the best options just to lose them on purpose so they don't leave him first, as many times as possible until he's single and lonely at the wedding reception. He’s a sleazeball as a coping mechanism, and he keeps dying for it. One single safe relationship would decimate this dude, and it also wouldn’t fix him. Therapy would do wonders if he actually accepted how messed up he is. And tbh, if TInky wasn’t around there might’ve been a chance for him to recover.

Anyway another reason this dweeb is doomed by the narrative and fucked up beyond belief