#hey guys it’s been FOREVER since I’ve last posted anything here I’ve been. incredibly busy

[dawnlotus-draws]

JRWI : The Suckening Animatic!!! :DD

VAMPIRE CAMPAIGN OUT NOW YAYAYAYAY

Shilo plays dead, ep 1 animatic

I love this campaign so much already, I’m so excited for a full season of these guys.

[reidgraygubler]

dirty little secret (reid/reader)

Title: dirty little secret

Requested: yes, was a request someone sent to @/imagining-in-the-margins, but I took it off her hands :) (alskdf that was so hot um could you do where the Reader gets spencer a collar and maybe someone accidentally finds it… okay tysm and it’s totally ok if not <3)

Couple: spencer reid/gen-neutral!reader

Category: spicey fluff

Content Warning: D/s dynamic, allusions and mentions to sex, sub!spencer, dom!reader, this does contain some kinda sexual content, no actually nudity or actual sex

Word Count: 1,678

Summary: Reader gets Spencer a super meaningful, and private, gift. All is well… Until a member of the team finds out about it.

A/N: pom posted this in her discord and said if someone had any ideas for this, we could have it. thank you all so much for the support! i really do appreciate it. check out my masterlist!

{***}{***}{**}

“Wait, wait,” I looked down at Spencer, a smile growing across my lips, “I got you something… I think you’ll want to use it right now,” I whispered before pressing my lips to his. He hummed and followed after me when I pulled away from him. I laughed before pushing him back down on the bed. “Stay there.” I pointed at him.

“What is it,” he asked as he watched me climb out of the bed. I tried to be graceful but failed when the sheet came along with me.

“Well, you see, I was just thinking… And, well,” I stopped speaking and went to a paper bag sitting by my dresser. I could hear the bed shift slightly, alerting me that Spencer had sat up.

“Should I be worried?” He asked, watching as I pulled out a piece of tissue paper. Sitting at the bottom of the bag was a thick black band of leather with an ‘O’ ring right in the middle of it. It was perfect. I think it’d suit Spencer perfectly.

“Mmm, no. I don’t think you should be worried,” I whispered as I held it up to show off what it was. “I figured it was time to get you one,” I explained as he sat up to look at it. A small smile grew across his lips once he realized what exactly it was I held. “Do you like it?”

“Like it? Of course I do!” He reached out to touch the collar. I smiled at him as he carefully took it from my hands. “When were you able to get this?”

“Earlier this week when you stayed late at the office. I told Emily I had to do some errands and well…” My words trailed off as I gestured to the collar he held in his hands. I watched as he looked down at it, his fingers trailed across the leather texture. “I wanted to get you something… And I figured that was the best thing to get,” I whispered as I took it back from him. I stood up from the bed and moved to sit behind him.

“It definitely was the best thing,” Spencer laughed as I put the collar around his neck before fastening it to him.

“How’s that?” I asked in a soft tone. My arms snaked around his body as I rested my head on his shoulder. Spencer hummed as he nodded. “You can breathe just fine?”

“Yes, Ma’am,” he whispered and kept nodding. I smiled before moving back around to sit in front of him.

“You’re my good boy, you know that,” I whispered as I lifted my hands to hold his face. The smile that sat on his lips grew as he looked at me. “And I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Spencer replied before moving to press his lips to mine. I hummed happily as I pushed my hands through his hair to hold him closer to me.

{***}{***}{***}

Of course not a week later did we get called out for a case. Whenever there was a case, Spencer and I had to be a little bit sneaky or creative with our… extra-curricular activities. Even if we were dead tired from a full day of work, we still put a little effort into doing something. Although, a scene wouldn’t last too long. We’d get to the point of nudity and then we’d just end up cuddling, which is just as good as the actual sex.

But this… This was not the case. We weren’t on a time crunch for this case. We were allowed to go to the hotel for some rest. Though, rest probably wouldn’t exactly come for me or Spencer...

“You brought it with, correct?” I asked as I kept my voice low as Spencer and I walked side by side down the hall. Spencer glanced at me, an eyebrow raised as if he was saying ‘Yes, ma’am, I did bring it. I’m not an idiot,’. But in turn, I raised my eyebrows. “Good boy,” I cooed before pressing my lips to his cheek.

“I hate you,” he muttered as he pulled the key card out from the paper sleeve.

“Oh, Baby Boy, I don’t think you do.” I smiled as I lifted a hand to ruffle his hair. He glanced at me as he unlocked the door. “I’m going to shower, you get ready for me… Okay,” I whispered once we were both inside.

“Yes, ma’am,” Spencer mumbled before pressing my lips to his. I smiled at him with a knowing glance before stepping into the bathroom.

I should have taken my time to get ready. Instead I rushed. I let my excitement of getting off make me rush. I wondered what things would’ve happened had I taken my time. Damn my excitement...

“I hope you listened to me and you’re all ready,” I spoke as I exited the bathroom.

“Yeah, yeah… Um, about that,” I could hear Spencer’s voice, but what I wished I heard was the moment of regret in his tone. It was too late as I stepped out from behind the door wearing nothing but my underwear. My eyes first went to him, then our apparent guest to our room. “Luke is here…” his eyes dropped to his lap as he spoke. I stared at him for a moment before looking down at what I was wearing.

“Hey.” Luke looked up at my face as he waved. I knew he was trying his hardest to not let his eyes linger on my body. We were all frozen at this very moment. I know I couldn’t move because of how embarrassing this moment was.

“Kinda wish I was dreaming right now… But I know that this wouldn’t be a dream… It’d be a fucking nightmare,” I lifted my finger as I spoke. I could feel my embarrassment mix with anger the longer I stood in the room wearing just my underwear. I bit my lips before taking a deep breath. “I’ll… I’ll be right back,” I pointed at Spencer then at Luke. Luke looked over at Spencer, the apparent embarrassment for all of us growing on both their faces. Although the embarrassment Luke showed wasn’t as bad as what Spencer had...

I quickly went back into the bathroom and went for one of the folded robes sitting on the towel rack. When I was covered in something more than my underwear, I stepped back into the room and noticed Spencer wearing a little more than his boxers.

“What do you want, Luke?” I asked, trying to not let my annoyance be known. But it was so incredibly hard. The moment was already ruined. When he stayed silent, I looked over at Spencer with a raised brow before looking at Luke. “Did you need something, or were you justh ere to fuck with Spencer and me? Because you’re free to leave,” I spoke as I gestured towards the door. Luke stood and walked towards me. I silently thanked God that Luke was leaving…

“Right… I’ll see you later, Spencer,” Luke stated as he turned to look at Spencer. His eyes narrowed as he looked over in Spencer’s direction for a moment too long. “Is… Is that a collar?” he asked, pointing at the object sitting on the nightstand. I looked at Spencer, then over at Luke, then, finally, back at Spencer. My eyes were wide and I could feel a blaze grow across my cheeks.

“Uh… I… Uhm…” I pulled my robe tighter around my body as I looked at Luke. I genuinely couldn’t find anything to say at the moment. But, to be fair, I’ve been dreading this exact moment since Spencer and I started doing… this. “It’s mine,” I cringed as I raised an eyebrow. Luke looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

“Sure, I believe that…” Luke walked up to me. He patted my shoulder a few times before finally actually leaving. “Listen, I know you two were about to… Ya know…” He let his words trail off as he did a set of crude actions. I rolled my eyes as I looked over at him. “But Emily needs us over at the station soon.” His voice was low as he got further away. “But I’ll just let her know you guys are… busy with other-”

“Just go, Luke… Please,” I lifted a hand to rest over my eyes. I let out a deep sigh before turning to look at him.

“Hope you guys have fun,” Luke looked at me with a smile before leaving. I rushed to the door once he was gone and locked the deadbolt and chain lock.

“Moment’s ruined,” I said to the room. Spencer laughed as I walked over to the bed. He stood from the bed before coming up to my side. “It’s gone. Ruined forever,” I said in a dramatic tone.

“It’s not ruined. We can… Try again when we’re allowed to be here for a while. Or, when we’re back home,” he reassured as he lifted a hand to my shoulder.

“Yeah, you’re right… But now all I’ll be able to think about is Luke’s idiot face when I’m fucking you.” I laughed as I looked up at him.

“Oh please, I hope you’d be able to think about me and my-”

“Pretty…”

“Sure, pretty face… Especially when you’re cumming,” he whispered before pressing his lips to mine.

“Of course!” I shouted and stepped away from him. “Even better when I’ll be riding that pretty face of yours,” I hummed before kissing him again. I really, really liked the thought of that. It was something I really needed at the moment, but it wasn’t going to happen at the moment. Emily needed us… So that moment was going to have to wait.

“I agree though. I think next time will be a little awkward… Now that Luke knows what we’re doing,” Spencer anxiously chuckled.

“Maybe next time we’ll just ask him to join us,” I said before leaving his side to get dressed again.

“Wait… Wait… What?”

{***}{***}{***}

i am currently take a break from a taglist. but if you have any questions or comments, please let me know here!

[erin-bo-berin]

Prove It

MASTERLIST

This was an anon request of Spencer getting mad at being teased and being motivated enough to prove he’s not vanilla. This took forever from the time it was first requested for me to write and post it, so I’m so sorry to the anon who requested it. It feels like it’s been FOREVER since I’ve posted a smut too, so enjoy some smutty Spencer to start your week. Happy reading!

Spencer Reid/Reader

Rating: M (smut, rough sex)

Word Count: 4,246

“I will never understand it.”

“Understand what?” you asked.

You sat down in one of the chairs in the jet, across from coworker and teammate Derek Morgan.

You and the team you were a part of, the Behavioral Analysis Unit—BAU for short—of the FBI had just solved another case and were on the way home.

You’d seen plenty of sickos before, so another one didn’t seem to surprise you. Of course, it was disgusting and aggravating, horrifying and awful, but you never pretended to understand unsubs in the first place. So you were quite curious about what Morgan was thinking out loud about.

Spencer Reid plopped down in the chair next to you with his cup of coffee.

How the man managed to live off coffee and actually go to sleep was a mystery to you. At this point it would benefit him to just have his coffee injected into him through IV, that’s how much he consumed.

“This S&M stuff,” Morgan waved his hand, “It’s insane.”

The case they’d just recently closed had involved a guy who had taken his violent sexual desires a step too far and found himself turned on by actually murdering women. Whether it was by choking or gagging, somehow he’d discovered he got a sexual release from killing his female partners.

What started as auto erotic asphyxiation—something that was incredibly dangerous to begin with—had turned to something more sinister and even more deadly.

“When done right, it’s actually not as bad as some of these unsubs make us believe,” Spencer said.

“I’m sure you know all about it, don’t you kid?” Morgan replied, sarcastically.

“Anyway,” he continued, before Spencer could cut in again, “I’m not judging people who do it, it just seems like even when it’s done right, it’s too dangerous to even be exciting. It’d be a mood killer for me.”

“Oh don’t tell me you don’t bring out your dominant side every once and awhile,” you smirked, teasing him.

“Hey, I’m all for some good rough sex. I’m not as vanilla as pretty boy here, but I’m not about to emotionally and physically scar Savannah.”

“Hey! What’s that’s supposed to mean?!” Spencer protested.

Savannah was Morgan’s wife, now of three years. They had a son together, Hank. Being a parent according to Morgan, you didn’t get much “mommy and daddy time”, but even then, it didn’t stop him from shamelessly sharing details about his sex life. You got used to it; it was just a Derek thing anyway.

“Sure, I’ve done some tying up and spanking, but that’s mild compared to some practices in BDSM. I once asked Reid about it and unfortunately learned more than I ever wanted to about it.”

“Excuse me,” Spencer broke in, “What’s the vanilla remark supposed to mean?”

Both yours and Derek’s heads turned to see Spencer’s brows furrowed.

“Kid, vanilla ice cream is spicier than you,” Morgan teased.

“Oh come on, that’s not true!” Spencer retorted, exasperated.

“I’m sorry Reid, I just can’t imagine you being kinky. I mean do you just spout facts during sex or what?”

You held back a snicker although you heard the rest of the team chuckling.

“No, I don’t,” Spencer flushed.

You averted your eyes from his gaze.

You and Spencer had been dating for a little while, the team none the wiser to your relationship. You couldn’t quite defend him without giving it away.

It wasn’t really a secret per se, you just mutually decided not to say anything until it became more serious. You had only slept together a few times anyway, so it wasn’t like you were familiar with his sexual proclivities.

“You’re more vanilla than Vanilla Ice,” Morgan joked, making you choke on your sip of water, laughing.

“How would you know anyway?” Spencer crossed his arms, his face now a deep red, “I could be kinkier than you know.”

“Dude, when’s the last time you even slept with a girl?” Morgan asked with a raised brow, “Wasn’t it that bartender Austin from a case 11 years ago?”

Spencer pressed his lips together tightly. He wasn’t going to say anything and you knew it because it would give away yours and his personal business.

“That’s what I thought. Vanilla,” Derek laughed, standing to refill his tumbler with more whiskey, “Don’t worry Pretty Ricky, not everyone has to be an animal in bed.”

He patted Spencer’s shoulder as he walked by to head to the back of the jet—and the whiskey decanter.

You could tell by Spencer’s pursed lips that he was annoyed.

You promised yourself that when the jet landed, you would apologize.

•

You had been wrong.

Spencer wasn’t annoyed.

He was pissed.

“Spencer, I’m sorry,” you repeated for the hundredth time.

Once the jet had landed, everyone went their separate ways, so no one was the wiser when you’d climbed into Spencer’s car. You had spent more time at his place lately than your own, so you were heading back to his apartment with him.

The entire drive was filled with tense silence. His jaw stayed clenched all the way home.

“Spence, please talk to me. If I hurt your feelings, that wasn’t my intention.”

You followed him into his apartment, watching as he sat down his go bag and satchel by the door. You sat your own things near his, as well.

You didn’t miss how tense he was, indicating his anger.

“Spence-” you began, but got cut off by his sharp tone.

“Go into the bedroom, take off all your clothes and get on the bed,” he snapped.

You were taken back, unsure if you’d heard him right the first time.

“What?”

“I said, go into the bedroom, take off all your clothes and get on the bed. I won’t repeat myself. And don’t make me do it myself cause you will regret it.”

You stood frozen in place for a second, your mouth opening and closing. By the look on his face, you could tell he was serious. 

“O-Okay,” you stammered, walking backwards to the bedroom.

You had no idea what he had planned, but deep down, you could feel the tingle of excitement beginning to work its way to the surface. Maybe some rough sex would ease his anger.

You were out of your shirt and pants before you reached the bed. You pulled off your bra, letting it fall from your fingertips and then rid your underwear before climbing onto the bed like you were asked to do, laying back.

It was at least a good ten minutes before Spencer came into the room, with something in each hand.

“What’s that?”

He didn’t answer you. 

He sat what appeared to be a glass of ice on the nightstand and grabbed one of your wrists, starting to tie it to the bedpost with what you now realized was one of his ties.

You watched as he tied the opposite one before you spoke.

“Spence, I-”

“Quiet. I don’t want to hear another word from you unless I say to speak,” he growled, climbing onto the bed, hovering over you.

His face lingered above yours, his lips not far from your own. He didn’t kiss you yet, but you could feel his warm breath fanning over your face, the anticipation of his lips finally being on yours making you anxious. 

His nose nudged yours gently as he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, his eyes lidded, although they occasionally flicked up toward yours. He knew how much you wanted him to kiss you and he was using that to his advantage.

Finally, it came, feather light. It was like kissing a cloud, the faint touch not nearly enough to satiate your needs. You tried to lean upwards to meet his lips again, taking what you wanted, what you needed, but he pulled out of your reach, a wicked smirk on his face.

“Oh so this is how it’s going to be?” you mock pouted.

“My bed, my rules,” he answered.

The anticipation of this kiss made your heart race and your breath hitch. If he was willing enough to deprive you this easily and this early on, what else was he capable of?

When his lips finally met yours, it was in a surprisingly gentle manner, considering you were currently tied to his bedposts. His mouth glided along with yours, the intensity picking up rather quickly. 

His hunger and anger seemed to meld into one as he kissed you roughly, pulling back enough to capture your lower lip between his, his teeth softly scraping over it. A small, satisfied sigh emitted from you, against his lips.

Your mouth parted as you continued to enjoy the feel of his mouth on yours, his tongue being both graceful and teasing at the same time, it moving swiftly over your bottom lip.

You were already struggling with your restraints, wanting to touch him as he kissed you. Normally, your touch was everywhere on him when you kissed. From his face to his shoulders and chest and in his curls, you ravished being able to touch him. But you didn’t have that luxury right now and it was absolutely killing you.

He pulled away, lips hovering over your jaw as he kissed it just slightly, ready to move on to other areas.

“By the time I’m done with you, you’ll have more than enough proof that I’m anything but vanilla,” he whispered huskily, placing a kiss against your throat.

Your thighs clamped inadvertently as you suddenly became even more turned on than you had been previously. He reached over you, towards the ice, grabbing a cube.

You watched him intently, gasping sharply when the shock of cold touched your skin, just along your collarbone.

“You gonna be a good girl and do what I say?” he asked, sliding the ice cube along your chest.

You nodded eagerly, biting down on your lip as he moved the ice over the swell of your breast and across your nipple making them tighten, both from the cold and your arousal. His lips followed the trail of ice over your breasts, tongue moving out to encircle your nipple and flick it. He repeated it on the opposite side and you gave a moan of approval at his explorations.

A trail of water was left behind on your skin as he continued on, gliding the ice down the middle of your chest towards your stomach. You felt goosebumps prickle your skin at the continuous icy cold sensation.

“You’re so hot, you’re making the ice melt quickly,” he purred.

His touch left you as he reached back towards the nightstand to grab another cube. Apparently he’d been right, as the first cube had melted completely. 

Once the coolness touched your skin again you found yourself gasping. As tantalizing as this teasing was, you were extremely turned on by it. You could feel the heat within your body, your core already starting to pulsate with arousal.

“I really hate that I can’t touch you,” you groaned, tugging on your restraints.

“But that’s what makes it fun, sweetheart,” he grinned, placing a kiss on your stomach.

The ice cube moved down one of your sides, over your hip, where he gave it a playful squeeze. Then the cold hit the top of your thighs, his other hand gliding to the top of the opposite one.

You were desperate at the point and automatically widened the space between your legs. If anything, you were going to let him get a good view of just how wet you were.

His eyes flickered downwards then back up towards your face, a satisfied smirk on his lips. You squirmed, anxious for him to do anything.

“Problem, love?” he cooed.

You glared, arching your hips in an attempt to get some sort of contact.

He chuckled, spreading your legs further. You weren’t sure what you were expecting, but the ice moving over your outer lips definitely wasn’t it.

You hissed at the sudden cold, but you didn’t hate it at all. Not like you hated these fucking restraints. You cursed when he pressed it against your clit.

“Fuck, that feels good,” you moaned.

He hummed, looking up at you through his lashes. You groaned in frustration, throwing your head back against the pillow, tugging at your bound wrists again.

You wanted to push his head or his hands to your throbbing core; maybe both at this rate.

“Spencer, please,” you whimpered.

“Okay,” he relented, sitting back on his heels, “You’ve been a good girl so far.”

He reached over you, pulling the knotted ties loose from around your wrists. It was like sweet freedom to you. 

Before you could even touch him, he’d taken a hold of you, rolling you over so you were straddling his stomach.

“Ooh, I’m in control? I like,” you grinned, leaning down to kiss him.

You didn’t quite make it to his lips.

“Think again.”

He grabbed the back of your thighs, roughly pulling you up to sit on his face. This, you hadn’t suspected.

“Oh god,” you moaned lowly as his tongue slid up your outer lips.

His hands held your thighs tightly and he wasted no time diving right in. His tongue flicked your clit and you had to grab a hold of the headboard just to make sure you didn’t collapse on top of him.

Of course oral sex had been a part of your sex life with Spencer prior to this, but never in this way. He was usually more timid about it. But right now, he went for it in a very enthusiastic manner.

“Fuck, Spence.”

You groaned, his lips circling your clit to suck on it briefly before releasing it with a tiny pop of his mouth. His tongue flicked over it again, alternating in speed and pressure.

You had thought it couldn’t get any better until you felt a finger slide into you. You could’ve sworn you almost lost your mind at that point. His finger slowly pumped in and out of you, matching the now slower speed of his tongue that seemed to be licking everywhere but your clit.

“Dammit Spencer,” you groaned, slightly grinding against his mouth for some friction.

You jerked a bit, a surprised squeal coming from you when his hand came down on your ass. It wasn’t a bad reaction though, it had just excited you even more.

“Did you just spank me?!” you asked incredulously.

He hummed, sending a delicious vibration against your clit as his hand came down again on your ass making you moan loudly.

You had no idea there was this side to him.

“Fuck, Spencer, yes baby,” you whined, your hips moving back and forth over his face as his fingers and tongue drove you crazy.

The faster his fingers went, the harder his tongue moved. You were gripping the headboard so tight, your knuckles were white.

“Ah!” you squealed, at an additional spank.

It wasn’t hard enough to be too rough and painful, just hard enough to be incredibly sexy, sending a charge directly to your currently, extremely stimulated clit.

It was also incredibly appealing to you to feel the slight scratch of his facial hair against your nether regions as he ravished you. 

You could feel your entire body tensing, preparing for the rush of adrenaline and ecstasy. Apparently, Spencer could too.

He worked you until you came shattering apart above him. His name mixed with a loud moan and curses sprinkled in.

When the high had ebbed a bit, he moved you back to sit on his stomach, a wolfish grin on his face. You still felt a bit dazed since there was still a bit of buzz left tingling within you.

You noticed then that your boyfriend was way overdressed.

“It’s time to do something about these,” you mumbled, unbuttoning his dress shirt, “You’ve got too many clothes on.”

He allowed you to pull his shirt off, but his hand grabbed yours just as they reached for his belt.

“I am going to fuck you bent over my desk and only bent over my desk.”

He gave you no time to react as he’d already lifted you in his arms and stood from the bed, heading to the living room.

“Spencer, what? I-”

The words died on your lips as he entered the living room and his desk came into view. Normally, it was stacked neatly with his books, files, paperwork that he needed to complete, pens, pencils, a couple of coffee mugs, the works. But now, it was completely clear, showing off its deep, dark brown, glossy desktop.

Heat pooled in your stomach when you realized he’d planned ahead for this. He’d imagined bending you over his desk, having his way with you. You swallowed back a moan, already eager for him to be buried inside of you.

Instead of immediately pushing you over the edge of the desk, he sat you on top of it, facing him.

You bit your lip, quite literally looking up through your lashes at him. His tongue moved over his lips, his hunger for you apparent as his hands traced every inch of you.

From your breasts, down your stomach, to your thighs and around towards your bottom, squeezing it gently, his hands traveled every part of you before capturing your mouth in another kiss.

It was no innocent kiss. It was fiery and filled with the mutual hunger for one another. He was still kissing you when he slid you off the desktop, your feet touching the floor once again.

He turned you and had you bent over the edge of his desk in a matter of seconds. You heard the clink and whir of his belt as he unbuckled it, the sound alone sending a charge through you.

You shifted impatiently, much to his notice. He smirked, running a hand between your legs teasingly, as he pushed his suit pants out of the way with the other hand.

He wasted no time on gentle and loving movements. He entered you roughly and quite honestly, when you weren’t expecting it.

You whimpered. The feeling of your most intimate parts stretching just enough to accommodate him was one of the best feelings in the world to you. 

By this point, you’d lost the ability to be quiet. He’d already brought you to one earth shattering orgasm and that was after the tantalizing ice foreplay that had turned you on beyond belief.

Your constant moans filled the room as your hands gripped the edges of the desk.

Your hips were tight in his grip as he thrust into you fast and hard, your own body bouncing off his in the opposite direction. He, for one, was much louder than he normally was. Grunts, groans, mumbled curses and pants came from behind you as he had his way with you.

His lips hovered over your neck, his appraising moans ringing in your ears.

“Fucking shit, fuuuck, Y/N,” he groaned before attaching his lips to your neck.

He sucked harshly, hard enough to know that hickies would be present for the next few days.

You inhaled sharply, feeling the slight sting of his teeth bearing down into your shoulder, but coupled with your current pleasure, it was actually hot.

Your back arched as he focused on what he’d learned—quite quickly, you might add—was one of your absolute sweet spots, his hips aiding in thrusting deeply within you.

Spencer’s hand snaked up your spine, tangling in your hair, his fingers wrapping around a few strands. It surprised you when he pulled on it, firm enough to pull your head to the side. You moaned at the sensation, ready for him to do anything at this point. You were so turned on, you were a moaning, whimpering mess underneath him.

“Still. Think. I’m. Vanilla?”

Each of his words were clipped, growled into your ear and enunciated with a forceful thrust.

“No,” you rasped, quickly losing control of yourself and becoming delirious from the ecstasy he was providing you with.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” he grunted, halting his movements completely.

You about sobbed in agony, wanting the feel of him back. Your hips automatically moved backwards to get some more friction, but Spencer held them still.

“Tell me,” he groaned, the slight strain in his voice indicating he was struggling with keeping still, himself.

You cursed, craving the delicious sensation of him deep within you again especially since you were on the brink of shattering like broken glass.

“Who’s not vanilla?” Spencer taunted.

He began moving once again, his motions slow and teasing. He slid in and out of you with long, lackadaisical thrusts although he made sure each move was deep enough so you could feel every inch of him within you. 

“Dammit Spencer, please,” you mewled, encircling your hips in small movements.

His low groan that came from above you was telling enough that he was trying and failing to keep his cool.

“Answer me,” he murmured huskily, his lips traveling up your back, hands reaching forward to massage your breasts in his hands.

“Answer me,” he repeated, “And I’ll fuck you like you deserved to be fucked.”

Your mouth dropped, a haggard moan escaping your throat. You weren’t used to hearing Spencer dirty talk and you’d realized that you instantly loved it.

His facial hair scratched your cheek as his mouth moved in the vicinity of it, sucking on your jaw.

“Be a good girl and answer me and I promise I’ll fuck you so hard you’ll see stars, baby girl,” his low whisper came, one hand gliding between your legs, finger ghosting your clit.

“I’ll make you cum harder than you even imagined. Until you’re dripping all over my cock. I wanna fuck my girl, good, Spencer purred.

“Oh my god,” you cried, the overstimulation of his words and his touch finally getting you to lose absolute control of your conscious mind.

“You, Spencer, you,” you moaned.

The only sounds that filled his living room were the mixed moans and the sound of your bodies moving together as he fulfilled his promise and resumed his earlier pace though more erratic this time.

Your inadvertent clenching around him with every move was making him lose control quickly. 

“Fuck, fuuuuck,” you whined, clenching the edges of the desk so hard you knew your hands would be sore later.

In the back of your mind, a small part of you registered that you most likely sounded akin to a pornstar right now, though you didn’t spend much time on the thought. The fire in your veins was igniting the growing pressure in your stomach, like a furnace growing too hot.

It took less than a few moves before you went tumbling over the cliff of ecstasy. Your eyes screwed shut, your vision going completely white behind your closed eyes as you managed out a satisfied, bliss filled cry.

It was like lightning had struck your body except the electricity had come straight from the pit of your belly. Spencer had been right, it was the most intense orgasm you’d ever experienced.

It was the body shaking, breathtaking, best kind of high ever, type of intense.

His own had soon followed as you’d tumbled down the rabbit hole of your own delirium. His hands gripped your sides and his body shuddered behind yours.

“Y/N, Y/N,” he groaned repeatedly, still moving with you, wringing every last drop of pleasure out of both of your orgasms.

His face was buried in the crook of your neck as you arched back into him, reaching behind him to grip his hair as you rode out the waves of pleasure.

It took a few moments before both of you stilled, your breathing hard, heart beating wildly. 

When your senses had somewhat turned to normal and the rushing of your blood in your ears had calmed down, you noticed your legs shaking—a definite sign of a good fucking.

You felt his breath on your neck, his breathlessness matching your own. Your body felt slick against his from all of the exertion, but it had been totally worth it. 

Spencer pushed your hair to one side of your neck, burying his face into your neck sweetly before leaving a gentle kiss there.

“My god, Spencer,” you half laughed, trying to focus the tiny bit of energy you had left on attempting to stand.

Disconnecting himself from you, he turned you to face him. He lifted you back on to the desktop to sit, not caring that your thighs were currently slick with the product of his own orgasm. Your quivering legs were thankful for the momentary reprieve though.

“I know,” he smirked, “Didn’t know I had it in me, huh?”

“Definitely not,” you smirked, lifting your face up towards his.

Your lips met his lazily. You spent a few minutes enjoying one other, mouths parting and meeting over and over, enjoying the post coital consequential kisses before getting cleaned up.

His hands splayed over the tops of your thighs, stroking gently. He may have been rough with you earlier, but you knew his gentle touch was him wordlessly assuring himself you were okay.

You were actually more than okay—you had definitely been well fucked.

“Spencer?” you mumbled against his lips.

“Hmm?”

He pulled away from you, his eyes opening, his dreamy, currently hazy, hazel eyes meeting yours. 

“Remind me to never listen to Morgan ever again.”

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[s-and-n-writes]

you are my north

a/n: hey guys! here's the soulmate fic i've been working on for a while. it's an outline-style because i didn't want to write out the whole thing. enjoy! -s ps. i can't write summaries to save my life. pps. this fic is rated teen only because of two curse words, and while there is some major character death, i didn't mark it in the warnings because it's temporary.

quick links: | crossover masterlist | 

People get many types of soulmate bonds

Some are romantic and some are platonic

Platonic can be friends, family, found-family, etc

Bonds can include marks, writing on arms, switching bodies, etc

Everyone has a soulbond but some aren’t visible or obvious

Marinette grew up in Gotham named Marianne

She didn’t have a visual bond so hers would manifest when she met her soulmate

Her parents were killed when their house burned down (she was 5)

She was sent to an orphanage and ran away after a few months (she was still 5)

Lived on the streets for a year until she met Jason Todd (she was 6 and he was 10)

They met when two older boys tried to steal Marianne’s money since she was small

Jason beat them up and gave her his hand to lift her up

When their hands met there was a flash of light

Marianne - My mama told me about this. She said it was a soulmate bond and the person it was with was really really really special to me.

They both have a compass on their palms pointing to where the other is

They go off together and live together on the streets

She calls him “Jay-Jay” and he calls her “Pixie” or “Mari”

2 years later (Marianne is 8 and Jason is 12)

Jason goes out and finds the Batmobile and proceeds to get adopted

He refuses and wants to find Marianne

Jason - Let me go old man!

Batman - No. You’re coming with me.

Jason - I need to find my sister!

Batman - Fine. Find her and you both will come with me.

Both go in search of Marianne

Earlier Marianne woke up and found Jason missing so she went out to search

She couldn’t find him and was upset and was sloppy

A Parisian couple found her and adopted her

The people at the GCPD were like ????? because who adopts a Gotham street kid?

Tom Dupain and Sabine Cheng apparently

So Marianne is taken to Paris while Jason and Batman are looking for her

They can’t find her and Jason goes with Batman and gets adopted and everything

Jason believes she must have been taken out of Gotham because his compass points towards the harbor and towards the water

Eventually gives up because he won’t be able to find her since across the ocean is a massive place

Gotham proceeds as normal

In Paris...

Marianne is refusing everything because she didn’t want to leave and she misses her brother

Tom and Sabine didn’t want two children so they didn’t bother looking for her brother

They rename her Marinette

She goes to school and makes friends with two boys named Nino and Kim and is enemies with Chloe, the mayor’s daughter

Reluctantly starts calling Tom and Sabine ‘Maman’ and ‘Papa’ because it would look weird if she didn’t and she didn’t want to talk about her past

They treat her nicely but she still misses her old parents

Marinette makes more and more friends but they don’t know about her past or her brother

When she’s 11 she sees on the news that Jason Todd-Wayne died

She’s really sad because her brother and soulmate died but also insanely confused because he somehow got adopted by Bruce Wayne???

Back to his death

Her compass stays but her compass needle disappears

She withdraws and doesn’t go to school for a week

She asked everyone not to give her any nicknames (not that she had any in the first place)

Nobody knows she had a brother except Tom and Sabine but even they don’t know his name

Everyone is told one of her family members died and her parents try to console her but eventually give up

Continuing on and time skips

Her parents start leaving her alone more as she got older

It helped when she became Ladybug

Marinette also slightly resents them for forcefully adopting her and then kind of neglecting her but let’s not get into that

Becomes friends with Alya and starts crushing on Adrien

Alya posts everything and is very intrusive

Marinette is constantly questioned about her soulbond but always refuses to answer

Did I mention that she always wears gloves ever since Jason died?

Because she does

She doesn’t want to see the compass and be reminded of him

Anyways, Alya keeps trying but is always refused

She calls Marinette ‘Mari’ one day and she just…snaps

Marinette goes on this big rant about personal information and privacy and respecting boundaries and ends up screaming at her and curls in a ball crying

Alya leaves and stops being friends with her because Marinette is ‘mean’ and ‘sensitive’

They occasionally talk but they’re not really friends anymore

Very soon after, Lila comes and that's why Alya turned on Marinette so quick

Adrien tells her to “take the high road” and her crush on him dies

Marinette becomes even more miserable because everyone has left her and she is alone

Luka and Kagami aren’t her close friends here

And Chloe is not in her class anymore

Tikki is her only friend until Master Fu gives her guardianship and she is in charge of her kwamis

She is incredibly stressed because of Ladybug, Guardian duties, bakery shifts, and school

Tikki gives her the idea to get rid of bakery duties and not focus on Guardian stuff and instead do a hobby

She tells her ‘parents’ that she’s too busy with school to work at the bakery

They roll their eyes and ignore her again and sometimes she thinks they only adopted her to get her to work for them for free

There isn’t too much to do for Guardian stuff anyways

She designs more and more as a hobby and ends up opening a commission website (that’s completely anonymous so Lie-la and her cronies can’t do anything to it)

It’s more work but it relaxes her and is great for making money

Her pseudonym ‘MAT’ is famous because of Jagged Stone and Clara Nightingale constantly mentioning her

MAT stands for both Marinette And Tikki, and MariAnne Todd

Eventually she gets a request from the Waynes

Marinette just cried because this was her brothers family and takes the request

She makes everything extra personalized and charges a bit less and writes a note to them

The note says something about how she knew Jason before he died and he was like a brother to her and she misses him so much and she can’t imagine what they’re going through

By this time she’s 16 and Jason would have been 20 and he is currently being Red Hood (not that she knows that)

Stuff happens, Hawkmoth is defeated, and she takes the ring away from Chat Noir because he’s an asshole who can’t take no for an answer

It’s Adrien Agreste...thank god she didn’t have a crush on him anymore

Time passes, and Marinette is now 18

She has moved out of the bakery and into her own apartment

She’s still in school but it’s her last year

She is now insanely famous and her identity is the best kept secret in the world

She is completely alone except for the Kwamis

So Marinette had entered a contest sponsored by Wayne Industries and won

The prize is a trip to Gotham for the entire class...fuck

If Marinette had known she probably wouldn’t have entered

Why would she go back to the place where her brother died?

She has to go though because she is the contest winner

Lila took credit for it and is spinning lies about how she’s so close to the Waynes and is dating Timothy Drake

So now onto a plot twist yay

On the morning of the trip Marinette is getting ready

She hasn’t looked at her hands in forever because she doesn’t want to be reminded about Jason

Keep in mind that she wears gloves constantly

That morning she looks at them because she wants to prepare for being in Gotham again and memories sake and things

Marinette is shocked when the compass needle is back and pointing in a direction

She doesn’t know what happened since as far as she knows people can’t come back to life and her needle was definitely gone before

So after interrogating Tikki and Plagg for a while she finds out that yes, there are ways to bring someone back to life and some aren’t very good for you *cough* Lazarus Pit *cough*

On the plane ride she is thinking and being both excited and scared/worried

Excited because Jason’s alive!

Scared/worried because some ways of bringing back the dead don’t work very well…

The plane lands and they get out of the airport with no big issues

Except for Lie-la hiding her luggage and getting the class to leave without her

So now Marinette has to walk across Gotham at night, alone, while carrying heavy luggage and looking like a tiny, weak, foreigner

She is practically begging to get mugged but what can you do?

Around halfway to the hotel she hears footsteps behind her

Before she can do anything, Red Hood jumps down from a roof and takes them down

He ties them up and calls the police

Marinette thinks he is familiar but ignores the feeling and goes on her way

Red Hood (Jason) also thinks she is familiar but also ignores it

Now is the time for normal Maribat field trip tropes and ideas

Nothing big happens to advance the plot

The last week of their trip is at Gotham Academy and then they go to the Wayne Gala

Again, normal first day at GA tropes until there’s a Rogue attack

For plot reasons (can’t reveal the akuma situation, Ladybug can’t be in Gotham, she has nowhere good to transform, etc), Marinette hides in a storage closet

She rubs her compass-palm to calm herself and looks at it

The needle is moving as if her soulmate was walking towards her (or the closet where she’s hidden)

But that’s not possible because Jason should be 22 and definitely shouldn’t be in a school right?

Marinette is freaking out and then the needle is pointing directly in front of her

And then the doorknob turns and the door opens and she sees…

DUN DUN DUN

Red Hood!

Marinette is kind of shocked but shrugs it off for a minute

Red Hood tells her the attack is over and she can come out

He helps her up but when their hands touch there’s a flash of light

Marinette - Jay-Jay?

Jason - Pixie?

Then there’s a very heartwarming reunion that I’m too angsty to write properly

Marinette starts going by Marianne again and meets the Bats

They love her immediately (and more when they realize that she is MAT who personalized their commissions and wrote that note long ago)

Lie-la’s lies get taken down

At the Wayne Gala she is announced to be Jason Todd-Wayne’s platonic soulmate, Marianne Todd

They live happily ever after

a/n: if you would like to be tagged for any of the maribat drabbles we post, shoot us a message and we’ll tag you!

[myhockeyworld87]

Nervous Regrets - Tyler Seguin - Part 37

Word Count: 3,233

POV: Reader

Warnings: Language, Smut, NSFW

Notes: So here we are trying to determine what happened with the IG story. Lots of baby stuff in this part. Thanks for sticking with me as I’ve been alternating updating this as well as NSDL. Hope you guys enjoy. Happy Reading! And Let’s Go STARS!!!

Nervous Regrets Masterlist

"Baby," Tyler whispered while gently kissing your cheek. When you didn't wake right away, he tried again. "(Y/N), babe, wake up." You weren't sure if it was Tyler's second attempt or Jace loudly sucking on his pacifier that actually woke you up, but your eyes flew open immediately as you sat up at the same time, almost bumping Tyler's forehead. He laughed at your disoriented state.

 It took you a minute to register that Tyler had Jace in bed with the two of you. "Oh my god, did I sleep through him crying?" You'd been exhausted when you and Tyler finally fell asleep after having sex for the first time, in what seemed like forever, but you didn't think that you'd sleep through Jace's cries. The second he started to make noise you were usually up.

 "He just whimpered a little and I went up with him." It made you feel a bit better that your child hadn't been full-on sobbing and you didn't wake up, but still, you hadn't felt Tyler get out of bed at all. "I can't find a bottle or I wouldn't have woken you up."

 "I didn't get a chance to pump yesterday."

 "Mmm," he hummed his understanding, knowing that it had been a busy day for all three of you. "Well, the paci has kept him entertained for a bit, but it's not going to be long now. I can tell." You adjusted your pillows getting a little more comfortable to breastfeed Jace, when you realized you didn't have any clothes on, not that it mattered as it was just the three of you; it was just sort of odd. Tyler handed Jace over to you.

 "Hey, mommy's boy. Are you hungry?" Taking Jace's pacifier out of his mouth, you set it on the nightstand, while Tyler cuddled closer to the two of you. Jace usually latched on quickly, but he seemed to be a bit disgruntled tonight, squirming around and starting to fuss. You let him cry a bit before trying again and having no success. "Maybe he's wet."

 "I just changed him," Tyler told you, now sitting up beside you in the bed. "What's wrong bud?" Jace just cried louder. He acted hungry but just didn't want to eat. Tyler reached across and put his pacifier in, which he suckled on with enthusiasm.

 "He definitely seems hungry."

 "Yeah, he's chomping on that thing, pretty good." You took the pacifier out and tried again, now that you knew for sure your little man wanted food. Jace just turned his head away with a loud cry.

 "I don't know what to do, this has never happened before," you told Tyler. Between Jace's cries and your full breasts, they started to leak, and you handed the baby over to Tyler. "Let me go pump some and put it in a bottle for him." As soon as you had a couple ounces of milk, you put it in a bottle for Jace to try. He rejected it once again, his cries now filling the house and you felt like the worst mother in the world since you didn't know what to do. Even the dogs were upset as their baby brother sobbed and sobbed. "What time is it? Maybe I can call my mom." You looked at your phone, seeing some notifications on them but paying them any mind. It was four in the morning and you knew calling would set your parents into a panic attack, but then you were freaking out yourself at the moment. You were just about to call your mom when you thought about the nurse telling you to keep some formula on hand just for cases like this.

 Tyler was still rocking Jace back and forth in his arms when you flew out to the kitchen, opening the pantry and scouring it for the formula. As you found it, you heard Tyler's voice. "Babe, what are you doing?"

 "I remembered the nurse saying something about trying formula if this happened. I thought she meant in the first few days but I'm willing to give it a try." It had now been over an hour that your baby was crying and your hands were literally shaking as you got the formula ready. Which was silly really, because all babies got fussy at times, this was just Jace's first time and it was setting you on edge. Thank god Tyler was here to help you through it. "It's ok Jace, mommy's almost done."

 Twisting the cap on the rubber nipple, you handed the bottle over to your husband as you watched Jace's face with unblinking eyes. His little face scrunched up at first and he seemed to fight it, and you were ready to burst into tears, but then he started to suck. "I think he likes it." As soon as the words left Tyler's mouth you started to cry. "Babe, he's fine. It's ok." He moved closer to your side unable to get an arm around you like he wanted to.

 "I know and I'm happy about that, but why wouldn't he take mine?" you sniffled out and realized you were standing in the kitchen naked, crying, while your son took his bottle happily from his father who also wasn't wearing a stitch of clothing. "Oh my god, we are a fucking mess." You hiccupped, between tears and laughter now.

 Tyler chuckled, leaning the bottle on his chest as he wiped your tears away quickly. "Thank god no one else is here." You'd only made two ounces and Jace downed half of that faster than you thought, so you went and made two more just in case. It had been several hours since he'd eaten and with all his crying, the poor little thing was starving. Ty propped him up on his shoulder patting his little back to burp as you both went back into your bedroom. You still had his bassinet down there and figured if he fell asleep, you'd just put him there instead of taking him back to his crib. Tyler sat down on the bed, and Jace let out a blech so loud you thought it was your husband. "Uh babe, can you get me a towel?" You peered around Tyler's shoulder only to notice Jace's spit up running down his back and you just burst out laughing.

 "We're really a shitshow tonight."

 "Please don't say shitshow." And you only laughed harder as Tyler tapped his son's butt. "We don't need to add a blowout tonight. Do we bud?" By the time you got back with a wet washcloth, Tyler was feeding Jace his second bottle. He fell asleep about halfway through. "Poor little guy, you tired yourself out, huh?" You kissed his sweet little head before Tyler laid him down in the bassinet, the two of you exhausted as well.

 "What time do you have practice?" You asked Ty, as you crawled back into bed.

 "Not until ten, so I don't have to be up until seven-thirty." He joined you under the covers cuddling you close. "Let's go back to sleep for a bit." He dropped a kiss to your lips and the two of you slept for a couple hours, waking before Jace.

 Tyler was off to practice when Jace finally woke up. He was your happy little man for a bit, but again when it was time to nurse he just wasn't having it. Rather than make him upset, you opted to just give him formula, then decided to call his doctor. Who basically told you, that babies went through this from time to time and that if it went on for a few more days, to call and you could discuss some options. She also reassured you that if you started weening Jace, he would be absolutely fine. You felt a little better after talking to her about everything.

 It was close to noon when you finally got to put Jace down for a nap and you picked up your phone. There were several missed phone calls from Jenna, so you pressed her name and called her back. She didn't even give you time to say hello. "Finally, are you ok?"

 "Yeah, Jace is on a boob strike at the moment and was incredibly fussy last night."

 "Boob strike?"

 "Yeah for some reason he decided he doesn't want to nurse and only wants formula." You still were upset by this, but were trying to comes to terms with it after your conversation with the doctor. "I know it's weird considering he's Tyler's child." When Jenna didn't laugh at your joke, you found yourself saying, "Is something else wrong?"

 "Umm…"

 "Spit it out, Jenna."

 "Well, they're gone now, as Alandra took all the comments off." You remembered then that Alandra had posted on Instagram last night at the game, so you could only assume that the same person who sent you the direct message about cheating was up to no good.

 "They're, as in multiple?"

 "Yeah," Jenna's voice was weak as she confirmed your suspicion. "They weren't good (Y/N)."

 "So, what did they say?"

 "There were a couple that just said you baby trapped Tyler, which we both know isn't true." It was actually the furthest thing from the truth though having Jace was the best thing that happened to you. "There were two that said Tyler is cheating on you." Jenna hurriedly followed that comment up. "Which I know isn't true at all. I mean Tyler loves you more than anything and Jamie agrees. Plus he told me that when they were on the last road trip all Tyler did was talk to you and Jace or mope around because he wasn't with you guys."

 "I know he wouldn't cheat Jenna." You sighed heavily before telling her the rest. "Someone sent me a message saying that same thing but the picture was an old fan pic. It's probably just some fangirl that upset he's off the market, at least that's what I told Tyler." You also told him not to look into it further and you still stood by that. "I'm sorry that they came on Alandra's story like that though. I'll have to call her and apologize."

 "I talked to her. She just feels bad she didn't turn the comments off until this morning." Jenna paused but you could tell there was more. "There was one other thing." When she didn't continue you prompted her. "There was one saying that Jace isn't Tyler's son."

 "What the fuck? Why would someone say that?"

 "I know right? I mean, it said something about how you'd slept with all these men and were now passing Jace off so you could get money from Tyler." The more she told you, the more livid you got.

 You were pacing around the kitchen, anger radiating off of you. "Who the fuck would say that? It's not true and you know it."

 "I know and god you were only with that one dickhead and not for that long. How anyone would know about that I have no clue? Besides, Jace is like a mini Tyler anyone can see that. I just wanted to give you a heads up as I'm sure Tyler will be fuming when he finds out."

 God, she was right. He was going to be so pissed. "Thanks, Jenna. I'm just so mad right now. I would throw something if it wouldn't walk up Jace."

 "Do you want me to come over? I'll hold the pillow for you to punch as long as you promise not to miss." That made you laugh, but only a little.

 "No, I'm fine, but I may take you up on that offer at some point." Just then you heard the garage door opening. "Ty's home. I'm sure this is going to be fun. I'll call you later ok?"

 "You better and remember take some deep breaths."

 "Thanks." You hung up the phone right as Tyler slammed the mudroom door. "Quieter please, Jace is sleeping."

 "Sorry," He whispered out harshly. "I'm just so fucking mad right now. You will never believe what the guys just told me."

 "That someone posted shit on Alandra's IG? Yeah, I just got off the phone with Jenna."

 "That's it (Y/N), I'm calling up my team and seeing what can be done about it. Don't tell me not to." He grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and went to slam the door but thought about it and shut it gently after your reminder about Jace.

 "I'm not going to argue." He practically spit his water out when he heard that. "I could care less what they say about me, but Jace, that's a different story." You could feel your blood pressure rising still angry at the comments that were made about Jace's paternity. "You don't believe what they said do you?" Tyler pulled his eyebrows together and you didn't know if he was asking you about what remarks you were talking about or if he was simply saying how could he believe them. So you found yourself saying, "The part about Jace not being yours."

 "Jesus no." He set the bottle down and grabbed you instead. "(Y/N), I know without a doubt that Jace is my son. I've never questioned that…ever!" He dropped a kiss to your lips. "Ever, do you understand me?" You nodded when he pulled back slightly and suddenly tears were flooding your eyes. It wasn't the fact that Tyler believed you, for you knew that he did. It was just everything in the last twenty-four hours, the game, Jace not nursing, and now this. Tyler wrapped you up in his arms, kissing the top of your head as you cried. "We'll find out who's doing this babe." Tyler was right. He would get his people on it and then the whole matter would be settled. Until then you just planned to lay low on social media. Once you calmed down, he held you at arm's length. "Now why don't you go take a hot bath and just relax a little."

 "Jace just laid down. We should have a little time." You quirked a brow at him. "Why don't you join me."

 "Mmm, I like that idea even better." He twisted you so your back was to him then swatted your ass. "Let me just go kiss my son and I'll be right there."

 You went into your en suite and started to run the water, putting in some bath salts to make it more relaxing. You could hear Tyler on the monitor with your son. "Hey bud," he whispered softly careful not to wake him. "You keep sleeping so I can have some time with mommy and daddy will get you anything you want when you get bigger." You had to laugh at your husband already trying to bribe his son. You made a mental note to not like Tyler buy everything your child wanted in the future. "I love you, Jace. Daddy's going to protect you and mommy." It melted your heart to hear his words. You heard him close the door and you quickly got in the tub, not wanting to be caught eavesdropping on his conversation with Jace.

 Tyler quickly stripped his clothes then crawled in the bath behind you. The tub was large and made for two people, though you hadn't gotten too many chances to use it since you moved in. "Mmhmm," Tyler said settling in behind you. "I missed things like this with you." You leaned back against his chest, as his hands slid around your middle then up to idly play with your breasts.

 "I missed this too." Turning slightly, you leaned up urging Tyler to kiss you, which he happily obliged. His fingers tweaked and pinched your nipples as his lips pressed against yours. You could feel Tyler's erection pressing against your bottom as you melted into him. His lips ghosted down to the hollow of your neck where he sucked and nipped, probably leaving a mark but you didn't care, instead, you just moaned out your pleasure. "Mmm, Ty." You felt one of his hands glide down your stomach so that his fingers could slip in between your pussy lips. Though you knew you probably had at least an hour, the way Tyler made your body feel had your hips seeking more in just this short amount of time.

 "I love how you're still so eager for me babe," Tyler breathed out as he continued to finger you.

 "Always Ty, I will never stop wanting you." It was true, even after the two of you broke up, you still craved him. Needed him really, almost as much as you needed air to breathe. Jace had brought you back together; had made you love each other even more, and you would let nothing and no one come between you now. Tyler hit your g-spot, bringing you out of your musings and back to the pleasure only he knew how to make you feel. "I need you, Ty."

 "I'm right here baby." He whispered in your ear, before taking your earlobe between his lips, gently tugging on it. His fingers worked faster to bring you closer to the edge. Your hips thrusting of their own accord as he coaxed you to orgasm. Water sloshed around with your movements and though you were close you wanted his cock inside you when you finally came.

 You halted his fingers, then lifted up so you could turn around and straddle his hips. He helped you sink back into the water and onto his cock. He filled you inch by inch until he was fully engulfed inside you. Cupping your face, he brought your lips to his, in a searing kiss as you started to ride him. More water lapped around your naked bodies and you knew some of it was getting on the floor but didn't care as you rode Tyler. "I love you, Ty."

 "I love you too (Y/N)." It wasn't long before you were building up a frenzied pace, one that had you both panting with need as you worked toward climax. Your hands rested on his shoulders as you rocked back and forth. His one hand slid to your clit, where he flicked the little nub, and then you were there. Moaning out his name as the orgasm hit you. Your pussy spasmed around him and with a few thrusts of his hips, he followed you into that heavenly bliss. The two of you laid there, bodies cooling just as the water around did you. You weren't sure how long you laid there, but then you heard the familiar gurgles of your little boy. "Looks like someone is waking up."

 "Ugh, I thought he would sleep longer." You told Tyler.

 "Well, he's not crying yet." He slapped your ass playfully. "Let me up and I'll go check on him."

 "Mmm, have I mentioned how much I love you." You leaned back on the other side of the tub to let Tyler out.

 "Maybe once or twice, but you can tell me again tonight after Jace goes to bed." Tyler winked then threw a towel around his waist before heading up to go check on the baby. Your life really was perfect, except for the fact that someone was definitely trying to break up your family.  

[idkthisisjustforfanfic]

U N P L A N N E D, part seven

By the end of the night at Jeff and Glenne’s, Lexi was nowhere to be found. You didn’t really mind--you didn’t feel as out of place as you’d expected and Harry had been more than happy to bring you around to different friends or familiar faces to say hello. 

A girl with dark brown hair who sang backup on his album listened excitedly as he brought her up to speed on the new plan for release. The album, originally due out in August or September was now being pushed to December. It was strategic really. 

Late summer buzz when the baby announcement came out. Winter album release, promo before and after to tide his fans over until a spring time tour, giving him the perfect span of three or four stationary months in L.A. that aligned with your maternity leave.

Genius, really. It was all thanks to Jeff and his team.

So you smiled at the girl with the dark hair and pretended you didn’t notice the fact that she kept stealing glances down at your belly, as small as it still was. 

This was the risky stage, really, when people got it wrong and asked about someone’s due date, only to be mortified when someone gave the dreaded response, I’m not pregnant. You’d seen it happen to someone else once, a woman in the checkout line at the grocery store. The cashier put her foot in her mouth and you vowed to never ask someone about their due date unless they mentioned it first. 

So you cut Laura some slack. 

“We’ll tour it next spring and summer, so you’ll have to come,” he said to his friend, a smile on his face when he lifted up his sunglasses. The sun had already sunk beneath the horizon, his cheeks were tinged pink from the hot day.

“I’ll bring your youngest audience member ever,” you revealed, letting a hand rub over your belly as you offered a smile in her direction.

“Oh, that’s so sweet! When are you due?”

“January, middle of the month. So--I might need some noise canceling headphones.”

“Hey--I make good music,” Harry pretended to take offense. 

“I didn’t say you don’t--”

“Is it yours?” Laura asked, her eyes pulling up to Harry’s face for a second, wide with shock.

Harry looked down at you, down at the bump. You could tell he was frozen, unsure of what he should say and how he should say it. 

“No--God no,” you said quickly. “It’s our friend, Peter.”

Harry’s lips twitched into a smile. “Yeah--Peter, he’s a good friend. He’s a great guy, a dream, really. Gonna be a great father.”

“He’s okay,” you made a face at Harry. “A lot to learn, probably never changed a diaper in his life.”

“He has too,” Harry defended quickly. “At least five or six.”

“Well he’ll be changing probably five or six a day.”

“That’s fine, he’ll be fine with that. He’s extremely committed to that baby.”

“Yeah, well,” you stifled a laugh. “We’ll see.”

Laura laughed, a skeptical look disappeared from her face when Glenne came up and offered dessert, effectively breaking up the conversation. Harry draped an arm over your shoulder for a split second when most people had started to make their way to the other side of the pool. 

“Just so you know, I’m gonna make you call her and explain that lie once we come out with it.”

“Deal,” you said. “I’ll tell her you had sex with your friend Peter’s girlfriend and we didn’t know who’s it was until it was born..”

“Jesus,” he laughed. “Can’t tell if you’re the funniest person I’ve met or the meanest.”

“I like to think I’m a mix of both.”

**

It was probably a good thing that you didn’t see Harry for another week after that. The onesie and the party at Jeff and Glenne’s and a completely new project at work had you feeling incredibly overwhelmed, left with only enough energy to drive home, take off your bra, and sit on the couch. 

Most nights Lexi was home. There were a few evenings when she’d meet Glenne and Jeff or stay late on set. She’d come home with leftovers or funny stories, and you’d fall asleep before 10pm. 

But you figured it was a good thing, the distance and space. The last two times you’d seen him, you left with a glow. The infatuation kind, not the pregnancy kind. That type of shit was asking for trouble. 

So you ignored the urge to call or text him. Most days he’d ask how you were feeling, what you were up to. You’d take your time to respond, give short answers and tell him you were too busy to see him. It wasn’t necessarily true, but you were tired. Too tired to drive all the way to his house in the hills and then all the way home. Especially when being around him required the self-control and restraint that it suddenly did.

You answered when he called, talked on the phone for an hour at a time some days. You told yourself it was nothing. It was normal it was normal it was normal. 

On the Wednesday of week twelve, you were scheduled to meet with the same crew: Jeff, Harry, Dave, Emma, Lola, and John. This time, the topic was a bit more hopeful. Some type of strategy meeting to talk about what type of information to release and what to keep private. 

When you woke up and started rifling through your closet, you came to a grim realization. Things weren’t fitting the same. Buttoned shirts now felt tight around the tummy, pants felt a bit snug in the waist. 

It happened overnight, really. You’d heard about the pop--when your belly finally protrudes outward and when you actually start to look pregnant, not just bloated. You didn’t know when it would come, but you certainly weren’t prepared for it to already be here.

Lexi was already gone, otherwise you’d storm into her room and make her promise you didn’t look funny. You weren’t about to FaceTime Glenne--only in fear that Jeff would be around and think you were being ridiculous. You also figured keeping your distance from him wasn’t a bad idea. 

So you settled on a dress, a casual one, and you didn’t even realize that someone might notice until you walked into work. 

Aarav didn’t even seem to look at you twice--he was too busy in his office dealing with a last minute request from Levi. Simone was busy too, and when you met up with them for lunch, you kept your tray and plate in front of you, praying and hoping that they wouldn’t notice the way you looked a bit more round. 

A text came across your phone when Aarav went on about Carson. 

Harry (12:43pm): Twelve week mark! See you at 5pm?

It was almost a relief to walk into the Westwood office building at the end of the day. It was a comfort, really, to be in a room full of people who knew your biggest secret. Harry met you in the lobby, a smile on his face when you offered a hug. 

“Look at me,” you said quietly, a few people passed by on their way out of work. “I look pregnant.”

He looked down, his brows furrowed together and his lips pushed out. He scanned your figure, a wave of relief washed over you when he spoke. “Wouldn’t have noticed if you didn’t say anything--but, you do, a bit. You look good.”

“I feel weird,” you said, following him over to the same elevators as you tried to ignore the compliment. “I used to just look bloated, but now it’s like--real.”

Once the doors shut and afforded you both some privacy, he turned to face you. 

“You look beautiful,” he said, voice quiet as the elevator whirred. “Can I--can I feel it?”

“Oh,” you looked down, a hand immediately on your own belly. You’d been doing it plenty, a force of habit, now, really. You found yourself doing it in meetings, on the phone, one hand on the steering wheel and another on the bump. “Yeah, of course you can--here,” you reached for his hand, guiding it towards you, warmth when he made contact. 

It felt a little silly. It was still just your stomach--somewhere deeper in there was a baby the size of a lime. He kept his eyes on the blue fabric of your dress, both of your hands over his until the doors opened. 

Jeff, on the other side, was caught off guard. “Hi--hey, I was just coming to find you.”

“Hi,” you said, a step back from Harry as if there was some sort of rule about proximity. 

He offered an awkward smile, motioned for you to both follow him down the same long hall, past the same rooms and chairs and windows. Harry let out a giggle under his breath, smirked in your direction, another wave of butterflies.

It was the first time you’d seen any of them since the test results, you swore Dave seemed to soften when you sat across from him, this time, Harry was beside you. 

“So,” Dave spoke, a quick glance around the room. “Good to see everyone.”

“Yeah, thanks for coming,” Jeff said, settling into his seat before he reached for a water bottle. “Lola--you’re good to start us off?”

“Yeah,” she smiled, short red hair brushed the tops of her shoulders. She smiled in your direction, much less hesitant than times before. “We’re really here today to start thinking about how we want to share this news. It’s obviously not going to stay a secret forever, so we’re wondering about different options to get in front of it--while still maintaining everyone’s safety and privacy.”

You nodded, a sideways glance in Harry’s direction.

“We have a few options, Harry, about how to do that,” Jeff explained. “We could choose an outlet to inform and let them break it. Or, we could talk about a social media post, a statement from Lola…”

He turned to look at you, caution in his eyes when you offered a small smile. Nothing felt ideal--nothing they said sounded like a good option or like it wouldn’t bring trouble. 

Up until now, really, it had just been the two of you. That was, if you didn’t count the four other people in the room, Lexi, Glenne, your mother, and his family. So, the twelve of you, really. 

Things until now were quiet and private, a small buzz that was stressful enough. You couldn’t even imagine the news spreading, questions, accusations, the ways all of the aforementioned would keep you up at night. 

Harry looked around the room. “Uh--a statement is probably best, yeah?”

“I would think so--your fans will want to hear from you though, too,” Jeff nodded.

Lola smiled, softly, in your direction. “What do you think, Y/N?”

You were shocked, really. Stammered a few things before wishing you could disappear, totally not equipped to respond to that type of question. “Uh, yeah--the statement--I don’t know, whatever you think,” you looked towards Harry, a sudden feeling in your gut that out of everyone in the room, you could trust him the most. 

“We should wait until you’re father along,” Jeff said. “Probably closer to the sixth month mark?”

You nodded--that was something you could get behind. It also gave you some more time to figure out who needed to know before then. As contractual as this had become, there were still some people in your life who’d benefit from finding out that you were pregnant with a celebrity’s baby from you, rather than on TV or online.

Lola went on to say something else, but you were too busy making a list in your brain of who that entailed. 

Levi, Simone, Aarav. Your two aunts in Oregon. Your college roommate, Brie, maybe even your father--if you could track him down. You could feel your heartbeat in your chest, more people to disappoint, more people to make the admission to: I fucked up. I didn’t check all the boxes in the right order.

“Does that sound alright?” Harry turned to get a better look at you, his eyes searched your face.

“What?”

“September,” Lola said. “Make the statement in September.”

“Sure,” you nodded. Two months away. That felt like an eternity. 

“How are you feeling about it?” Her question was directed at you, but it took you a second to realize that. Harry watched you, his eyebrows lifted as he waited for a response. 

“About having a baby?”

“About coming out with it,” Jeff said. 

You shifted in your office chair, hands clasped on your lap. “I don’t really know what to expect, to be fair.”

Jeff looked at Harry, then at Lola. 

Harry cleared his throat and rested his elbows on the table, he spoke directly to you. “I think there’ll be some people who are really upset and some who are really happy.”

“You should make your social media private,” Lola said. “That’s the majority of what comes up when I ran a google search of your name. A few things about your work if you dig really deep.”

“Which they will,” Harry said. 

“Okay,” you nodded. “Should I be, like, worried about my safety?

“No,” Jeff said. “Definitely not. If there’s anything that makes you uncomfortable we’ll assess and just get a security detail.”

Harry made a face at that, one you couldn’t read. He sat back in his chair and listened to Lola say more about the announcement and how important it was for him to set the tone once the news was out. 

You were almost as zoned out as he was, but you heard mention of make them believe you’re excited, and that’s when you decided you’d had enough. So you stared out the window, nodded every few seconds to make them think you were listening and invested and following along so you could follow the rules. 

Sure, maybe accidentally getting pregnant wasn’t the most exciting thing in the world, but Lola’s insinuation that neither of you were excited felt like a dig. Out of everyone in the room, you were the one who had to deal with the most shit. Not only did you get a baby out of one drunken night, but you also got the body changes, the hormones, and the new relationship with someone who was too famous for his own good. 

But aside from all of that--all the shit that made this stressful and terrifying and overwhelming altogether--there was still a piece of you that was excited. And it was easier to feel that later that night when you sat in the same In N’ Out parking lot as before. 

“You don’t, like, regret deciding to keep it, right?”

Your question caught him off guard. He was mid-bite and let out a bit of a cough, wiping his mouth with the backside of his hand before he looked over at you. 

“No--do you?”

“No. I don’t know. Lola said we have to act excited. As if we aren’t at all or something.”

“I know,” he said, voice quieter. “That was pretty shitty, but I don’t think she meant anything by it.”

You nodded, hoping he was right. 

“I am excited, to be clear.”

“Me too,” a nod. “I’m getting more excited. Next time we see Dr. Weston we might be able to know the sex.”

He smirked. “We already know the sex, Y/N.”

“Where’s your premonition coming from?” You laughed. “What makes you so sure?”

He laughed, a sip from his water bottle. “I think you’re going to be a really good mom no matter what. But I think you’d be especially good with a little girl.”

“You’re going to sound like such an asshole if we have a boy.”

“If we have a boy it’ll be great! He can like sports and princesses, too.”

You took another bite of your dinner, a silent prayer that this pregnancy wouldn’t turn against you and make you hate the smell of In N’ Out. “I think you’ll be a good dad, too.”

And then he did it again. He looked out the window and seemed to be somewhere else. Maybe somewhere not as congested as LA, easier and quieter and somewhere were you didn’t exist and the plum sized baby didn’t either. 

You stuck a french fry in your mouth and chewed--thankful for the fact that the silence didn’t feel uncomfortable. 

“Would you--” he turned to see you suddenly, a sigh escaping his lips. “Hear me out, okay?”

You nodded.

“Would you think I was totally, absolutely mental if I asked you to move in with me?”

Your eyes must have gone wide, maybe the color even drained from your face, because before you could answer, he rolled his eyes and looked back out the window. “I know--okay, s’fine.”

“No--I just, that’s not what I expected. At all.”

He took another breath, his words came out quick this time as if he was nervous. “I know it’s crazy, but, Jeff got me freaked out today. When he talked about getting you a security detail I thought about your apartment and I know it’s in a house and it’s a nice neighborhood but--”

You didn’t say anything. You watched as he pushed his lips to one side and then the other. 

“I could never live with myself if anything happened to you.” A pause. “Or her.”

You rolled your eyes at that, a small laugh immediately granted levity to the front seat of his car. Dimples appeared on his cheeks when he saw the smile on your face.

“I hear you, but--I’ll be fine.”

He started speaking before you even finished. “Think of it this way, too. When she’s here, we’ll want to be together, right? I mean--don’t you think you’ll want more space than what you’ve got with Lexi? Don’t you think she’ll get sick of dirty nappies and all the crying in the middle of the night? If we live together I can help more and we can go through it together.”

You thought on that for a second. There was no doubt in your mind that Lexi would eventually lose her shit and need a good amount of space from the new roommate you were both about to have. You ignored the thumping in your chest at the thought of it. You, Harry, a tiny baby in that stupid onesie he bought. It sounded perfect.

“Think about it, yeah? I’ve got plenty of room.”

You nodded. “I’ll think about it.”

**

Dave had given you the go ahead to tell your coworkers. It took three phone calls with Jeff and him and Harry, but he eventually relented. When you ended up telling him that he didn’t have to go to work trying not to puke every morning waiting for your coworkers to notice the growing bump, he gave in. 

You were relieved, that is, until Levi called a team meeting, the five of you sat around a conference table on the third floor--also known as the floor with the balance ball chairs. You had no idea how much your back had been bothered by your regular office chair until you settled in to your seat. 

“So,” Levi looked around at the four of you. “Obviously my leaving is bittersweet, I know we’ve all been working hard lately to make the transition as smooth as possible. But we obviously haven’t handled one aspect of that, which is, the new Team Lead.”

You kept a straight face, glanced over to Aarav who suddenly couldn’t take his eyes off of you. You’d been planning on telling them that afternoon, at least Aarav and Simone. Maybe you’d wait until Levi left to fill him in, maybe you’d wait until you left for maternity leave to tell Carson. 

But would Levi still choose you to fill his role if he knew you were pregnant? Bound to take a decent maternity leave right after the holidays? Right when things amped up in the New Year?

“Y/N--you’ve obviously been a huge part of our success this last year, and I spoke with Mike and Tracy about having you fill the role, if you’re interested.”

“Yes--of course I’m interested,” you smiled. “I would love to.”

“Awesome--you’re obviously all in good hands,” he said to the others, a smile in your direction again. “You and I can meet with the rest of the Marketing c-suite--it’ll be painless, I’m sure.”

Now was definitely not a good time to tell them, but, your body decided it was the perfect time for an all encompassing wave of nausea. 

“Okay--yeah, sounds good.” You tried to wrap things up, looked over at Simone, hopeful she’d follow your lead. 

“When’s your last day, again?” Carson closed his laptop, if you weren’t doing your best to keep your lunch down, you’d be more surprised that he wasn’t as bitter as you’d expected him to be.

“August 5th.” 

You stood from the table, beads of sweat on your forehead. Aarav gave you a look, Simone was too busy on her phone. 

Levi started to gather his belongings. “We’ll get everything sorted out, too, about who’s going to take on some of Y/N’s responsibilities. Most things will stay the same, but, I think Mike wants to hire someone else to do some more of the graphic work, too.”

“I’m so sorry--” you said, embarrassed to rush out of a meeting like this. “I have to go--uh, make a phone call, really quick.

Again, Aarav looked at you like you’d started speaking another language. 

“Yeah, go ahead, no worries,” Levi looked suspicious too, but he turned back to Carson.

You bolted for the door, down the hall, no idea where the nearest bathroom was. Water fountain, lounge area, vending machine. Where the fuck was the bathroom?

You found it around the corner, barely making it into a stall before throwing up, desperately trying to pull your sticky hair away from your face when your knees met the floor.

“Y/N? Are you okay?” Simone was behind you--the carpet of the hallway had apparently quieted her footsteps. You reached for toilet paper and wiped your mouth, thankful that no one else had witnessed your close call. The only thing worse than throwing up at work was throwing up on the floor at work.

You flushed, stood back up and offered a smile. “Yeah--sorry--bad lunch, I guess.”

“Are you pregnant?”

“What?” You laughed, waving a hand before wiping at your mouth again. “No--that’s crazy!”

She raised an eyebrow at you.

A sigh. “Fine,” you said. “I am. But--you can’t tell them yet, okay?”

Her lips threatened to curl upwards, but she caught herself. “Are you--was it on purpose?”

“No,” a wave of embarrassment replaced the nausea in your stomach. “It was completely unplanned.”

“Who’s the father?”

Dave had been clear on the phone. If you have to tell them, we’ll prepare NDAs for them to sign. 

“You don’t know him.”

Maybe she did. 

“Is it that guy you’ve been seeing?”

“Yeah--we’re just friends.”

“Who have sex?”

“Just once.”

“Holy shit!”

“I know--I wanted to tell you!”

She pouted, an understanding look on her face. “That’s why you won’t have margaritas with us.”

“Busted.”

“How are you doing with it? Does your mom know?”

You thought on that for a second--it had been a while since someone asked. Harry was inquiring quite frequently, but you were also at the point now where you gave him a daily update about any symptoms. Jeff and Glenne and Lexi would check in, too, of course, but Simone was asking you on a deeper level. 

She was asking if you were losing your shit altogether and having recurring panic attacks when you’d try to fall asleep. 

“I’m okay,” you said, a confident nod. “I was freaked at first, and I am, still, a little--but, it’s been going okay.”

“Are you going to tell Aarav?”

“Yeah, yeah--I was gonna let both of you know today, but then Levi dropped that shit.”

“How dare he promote you,” she teased, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Well I couldn’t exactly follow that up with thanks so much, I’ll need three months maternity leave in January.”

“A January baby!” She threw her arms around you. “How far are you?”

“Thirteen weeks.”

She let go, looked you up and down. “You’ll be fine, you can totally handle this. Is the father supportive so far?”

You nodded, ignoring the tiny shred of fear that tried to squeeze it’s way up into your brain. “So far, yeah.”

But how long would that last? How long would Harry be interested in having dinner and hanging out? When would he get sick of you and when would he realize that he didn’t have to do this?

He had more options than either of you had mentioned. Harry was acting like his only option was to be completely, totally, one hundred percent involved, or the exact opposite. 

But you felt like the more realistic option was somewhere in the middle, right? He’d visit and have the baby for weekends, go off on tour and you’d FaceTime him every so often to make sure they didn’t lose touch. You’d be the one to handle the skinned knees and all of the tears, but he’d be the fun dad that would swoop in and get to take them for ice cream or out to dinner. 

He’d send a check, eventually. After things died down and he realized that it didn’t make sense for you to live together or be more than co-parents or anything like that. He’d help financially and you’d have to get a nanny if you were going to keep your job--which, as a single mom, you’d have to.

Simone brought you back to your office, smiling excitedly when you told Aarav the news, making them both promise to keep it quiet for now. You didn’t tell them who, you didn’t disclose the name of the guy who had suddenly lodged himself in a strange space in your heart and your head. Because if you did, you’d have to tell them you were also afraid he’d leave. And speaking that out loud was too much to handle.

**

Harry was a regular at Dr. Weston’s office, so much so that you found it a bit embarrassing how he knew the nurses by name and proclaimed proudly in the waiting room that he’d read every pamphlet they had. 

For someone who has to keep this pregnancy low-key, shouting excitedly in the waiting room is the opposite of that, you told him.

So he followed you back into the exam room yet again, but this time with a pout on his face after the nurse left you alone. 

“What’s your problem?”

He held a hand over his eyes to offer you privacy when you changed, the gown in his outstretched hand. “You don’t even care that I’m extremely well read.”

“One of those was a pamphlet about gestational diabetes--which I don’t even have.” You took the gown and stepped into it, tying it in the back before climbing up on the table. 

He took his hands away without even asking if you were clothed, rolling his eyes and making a face. “I’m just trying to care, okay? However will you forgive me?” 

You fought back the laugh that tried to crawl up from your belly. “I appreciate your caring. And your reading.”

“Good,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest as he sat back in his seat. “You should. Where do you want to go to dinner tonight?”

You thought on it for a second. “Know any good barbeque places? Some ribs sound so good.”

His eyebrows lifted, he watched you for a second. 

“What?” You asked, a sudden nervousness in your chest. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

He broke eye contact for a second, let out a tiny laugh and then looked back up at you, a shit-eating grin on his face. “Just didn’t know it’d be that easy to get you to hang out with me.”

“Oh shut up,” you said with a laugh, adjusting on top of the sanitary paper. “I’m hungry. It’s almost dinnertime anyway.”

“The only bad news is that I don’t know a good barbeque place.”

“That is bad news,” you said. “There’s one near my house. We can just go there. Or--get take out,” you corrected. 

Okay, so maybe it bothered you a little bit. At this point, feeling like you were a secret and the baby inside of you was a secret was a recipe for feeling like a big, old, shameful one night stand that he probably regretted. But you weren’t about to tell him that. 

“Is Lexi home tonight?”

You nodded.

“We could invite Glenne and Jeff, too, if you want. Or it could be just us, that’s fine.”

You didn’t have a chance to answer, though you wanted to say either would be fine. Dr. Weston knocked and offered a smile, how are both parents feeling? 

She asked the same questions: new symptoms? Any bleeding? Mood? Appetite? Headaches? You answered and nodded along, listening to the advice she gave about any lower back soreness as you started to really gain some weight. 

When she had the ultrasound machine on and when you had laid back and assumed the position, Harry pulled his chair up to be right next to you.

“Definitely growing in there,” Dr. Weston smiled, reaching up to point at the screen. 

“Wow--she actually looks like a baby now.”

“Yeah,” Dr. Weston laughed a bit. “Less of a plum and more a baby.” But she turned, after that, her eyebrows furrowing at the screen before she looked at Harry again. “How did you know it’s a girl?”

“It’s a girl?” you asked, lifting yourself on your elbows to look at the screen closer. “How do you know?”

She turned the screen to show you better, moved the probe along your lower tummy. “Well--if she weren’t, we’d see something right there between her legs.”

“So I’m right?” He looked at you with wide eyes, a smug look of excitement on his face. “We’re having a girl?”

“You are,” Dr. Weston nodded. “I hope it’s okay that you know now.”

Harry clapped his hands together and stood from his seat. “I knew it, Y/N. I totally called it.”

“It’s fine that we know, we wanted to,” you assured her. Harry had already grabbed his phone, likely bragging to Jeff and Glenne that he’d been right. “Now I just have to deal with this know it all, now.”

“Well congratulations,” she removed the probe and clicked a few things on the screen. “Fourteen weeks and everything looks great.”

You smiled, sat up and looked over at Harry, he looked up from his phone and smiled at you. “S’a girl.”

“I know,” you nodded, voice quiet. 

Dr. Weston ducked out of the room quietly, saying she’d see you soon before shutting the door to offer privacy.

“Did you already tell everyone we know?”

“No,” he laughed, letting his phone call into his pocket. “Just my mum and sister.”

You hopped down from the table and he handed you your clothes. 

“Are you happy it’s a girl?”

“I’m happy she’s healthy, and that I’m healthy,” you laughed. “But yes--a girl will be fun.”

“We’d make anything fun,” he said, stepping forward to wrap his arms around your shoulders, the fabric of the gown was scratchy on your skin. You looked up at him, and for a second, you wondered how it would feel to kiss him.

**

Jeff’s mouth was wide open, he was still, a look of shock on his face as Glenne let out a laugh loud enough that the neighbor’s might complain.

“Don’t,” Harry groaned, his eyes pleading with you to not embarrass him any further. 

“They were expired?!” Lexi’s eyes were wide, she looked between the two of you from her spot on the floor, take out on her lap. “That’s fucked man.”

“I didn’t know they were, obviously!” He defended.

Glenne shrugged her shoulders. “Just getting laid that infrequently.” 

“Alright, s’not my primary residence.”

“So wait,” Jeff said. “When did you find this out?”

A drop in your stomach, the nervous kind like you’d said the wrong thing. 

“When she was over once for dinner. Gave her the grand tour and we obviously had to stop by the scene of the crime,” Harry borrowed the language you once used to describe his sprawling bedroom. 

“He can definitely cook but apparently he doesn’t read expiration dates,” you laughed.

“So it’s all your fault,” Lexi laughed, reaching for another drink. “Bet that was tough news.”

Your eyes flashed over to Jeff, curious to see his reaction. In a way, Lexi wasn’t wrong. Sure--you’d fed Harry the response that it’s no one’s fault, and yeah, okay, you could live with that being the agreement everyone settled on. 

But it was also nice to know that it wasn’t anything you did. 

Harry rolled his eyes and pushed himself up off the couch when his phone rang. “One day you’re all going to feel terrible for saying that when you’re in love with our baby. It’s John--I’ll take it outside.”

Jeff followed behind him when Harry signaled for him to, the back door to the patio and small yard slid shut behind them.

“How ya been doin’ lately?” Glenne asked, leaning forward to grab the glass of wine she’d been nursing. 

“Fine,” you said. 

“Yeah?” She eyed you skeptically, Lexi dunked her fork into her green curry. 

“I’m handling the stress and constant anxiety as best as I can,” you admitted.

Glenne pouted. “What are you anxious about?” 

You let out a sigh, hesitant to say anything that would make her feel in the middle. “I just feel like Jeff thinks I fucked everything up or did this on purpose.”

Lexi sipped at her glass of wine. “What makes you think that?”

“I dunno--every time we’re all together I feel like he wants me to maintain a six foot distance or something.”

“He can’t tell you what to do or how to interact with him, Y/N,” Glenned tried to reassure you. “All he can do is give advice or give his input.”

“What if his input to Harry is that he shouldn’t ever talk to me or see me?”

“Bitch, you outrank him!” Lexi sat up straight and looked at you like you were losing your mind. “He’s his manager, he’s a friend. You are the mother of that man’s child. You are going to push his baby through your coochie!”

You let out a laugh, threw her a sideways glance. “I mean, I don’t know if outrank is fair.”

Glenne held up a hand, trying to get her two cents in before Lexi went off again. “He’s not mad--I don’t know why you think he’s mad.”

“Okay--fine, he’s not mad. But do you really want to try to convince me that I’m his favorite person on the planet right now?”

She rolled her eyes at that. “Y/N--he’s stressed. His client got his girlfriend’s friend knocked up. This is all going to explode into a thousand crazy headlines and he’s trying to keep it all somewhat contained. He loves you.”

You let out a long sigh at that, looked through the sliding door and watched as Harry gestured wildly, the phone sat on the small patio table between them. Jeff laughed at something he said and sipped at the beer that Harry was undoubtedly jealous of. 

Jeff had always thought you were funny. You knew that. When you got a good amount of tequila in you, you were no stranger to comedy or outrageous accents with Lexi and Glenne. Jeff would laugh his head off and there was even one time he made you drunkenly take obnoxious snapchat selfies with the stupid filters. It was probably the highlight of your relationship. 

So that night, after dinner was eaten and Netflix was watched, you tried to harness the courage that Lexi and Glenne had instilled in you. 

When Jeff came out of the bathroom, Glenne pulled herself up from a couch, a dramatic groan escaped her mouth when she smiled over at you and stretched. “Alright, my dear. Eat well, sleep well, take care of that sweet little muffin.”

“Okay,” you nodded. “So far, so good.”

Lexi had already retreated to her room, beauty sleep, y’all. Jeff waited as Glenne put her wine glass in the sink, hands on his hips. “Are you hitting the road too?”

His question was directed at Harry. He shifted on the couch. “Uh--might stay for a bit, if that’s alright?” 

Now he looked at you, and once again, you wondered if this sort of thing was allowed. An awkward look in Jeff’s direction, Glenne’s eyes were a bit wide, a smirk threatened to twist her lips into a full blown smile. 

“Yeah,” you said, looking around at all of them. “S’fine.”

You were all for following the rules and doing what you needed to do to protect everyone. But something about watching another episode of The Office on Netflix with the father of your child felt pretty safe. And maybe Glenne was right. Maybe you did outrank him. And if you didn’t, maybe one day you would. 

“Alright, well, we’ll see you both at some point in the next week, I’m sure.”

“Are we on for Saturday night still? With Tom?”

“Yeah,” Jeff said, watching as Glenne grabbed her purse from the counter. “I’ll text you.”

They said their goodbyes and headed out the front door, when it clicked into place you looked over at Harry. 

“Would you actually tell me if Jeff hated me?”

“Why would he hate you?”

“Because you got me pregnant.”

“He doesn’t hate you,” he shook his head, a smile tugged at his lips. “S’my fault, remember?”

“He might not see it that way.”

He rolled his eyes at you. “I just know.”

“How do you know?”

“Trust me, I would know if he hated you. He’s a terrible liar. He’d never be able to hang out with you if he didn’t like you.”

You were quiet, looked back down at the remote in your hands and picked at the skin around your thumb. 

He turned himself towards you on the couch, his voice quiet in the living room. “Why are you nervous about that?”

You shrugged, trying to fight back a smile. “I’m still trying to get over the whole fear about ruining your life.”

He rolled his eyes at that, a laugh escaping his lips when his arm reached up to the back of the couch. “You’re ridiculous! I can tell you a thousand times and you won’t believe me.”

“Probably not.”

“You didn’t ruin my life.”

“Okay.” You stood from the couch and moved towards the kitchen, bringing the glass that Lexi had left behind over to the dishwasher. 

He followed behind, watched with narrowed eyes as you tried to tidy. “I mean it,” he laughed. 

You turned around, hands on the counter as you looked at him. It was late, the light in Lexi’s room was off, you hoped she didn’t have her ear pressed up against the door. Mostly because you didn’t want her to hear what you said next. 

“I just don’t want you to leave.”

He took a step forward, brows furrowed. “Tonight?”

“No--like, in general.”

His lips parted at that, a pause before he sighed, another step forward. 

“Sorry,” you said quickly. “I didn’t mean to be weird. I’m just--scared sometimes.”

“I know,” he was close now, his chest almost pressed against yours. His fingers reached up and tugged at the hem of your shirt, “I’m not going anywhere.”

You nodded, stared down at the floor now as if looking up in his eyes would somehow make it more risky. As if ignoring the fear and the doubt and everything that bubbled inside of you when you tried to get your mind off of it would keep you safe, keep her safe. 

His hand nudged at your chin, lifted it up so you had to look at him. Something in his eyes felt promising--or maybe it was the way you felt his lips curl into a smile once they were pressed against yours.

table of contents | talk to me + join the tag list

**author’s note: **FINALLY!!!!! No but really, thank god. It’s been tough to wait to share that with you. Things are finally heating up in here! You know I’m a fucking sucker for a slow burn.

tag list: @stepping-into-the-light @thurhomish @afterstylesmadeit @iconicharry @stylesfics-xx @harryspirate @mellamolayla @harryinsweatersandbandanas @stylesfantasy @clorenafila @mell-love @anssu-amry @yelllowgrass @littlesoldierelleora @styles217 @rachkon @c-h-e-r-r-y-y @myhat  @rosegoldbel @passionate-dreamerr @grammyforstyles @haute-romance-quotidienne @dontgiveupthedayjob @ursamajor603 @craic-head-horan @heavenspidey @talk-british-2-me-britbritharry @blackxxmagicc @winter-soldier-007 @ssllbb @wanderlustiing @jdcharliewhiskey  @caritocp @kaybee87 @wildbeee @hsunflowervol @harrys-medicines @tobe-sogolden @theresnooneheretosave @1d-tommo5 @soullikestyles @mrsfstyles  @you-youneverdo @fstopsteph @cock-a-doodely-doo @hinaesthethicc @s-u-t @mleestiles @rubytersteege @heartsandwheels @rainbowparadiseharry @ainatirb-j @sing-me-a-song-harry @g0bl1nqueen @mmithharold @harrymfingstyless @yourpolaroid07 @zarrysfineline @cronias13

[hopevalley]

Season 8, Episode 10: Old Love, New Love, Is This True Love

All right, so...like I said, work has picked up and my eyes feel like old marbles from staring at numbers (the woes of working in accounting I guess) so I want to get this written up and tossed into the nether before I lose steam and motivation to do it. The interesting thing about these little write-ups is that as the week goes on they just get harder and harder to write...

I do apologize in advance to those who like the long-winded write-ups. I’m just not up to it at the moment. Still feeling kind of bleh from the episode.

Let’s go back to an old format, shall we?

The Good

We might as well start out with the things about this episode that I enjoyed! 

Gossip Hour with the Men was one of the best openers they’ve had on the show in a while. It was genuinely funny without being meanspirited. Nobody looked like the bad guy. Everyone just calmly talked about it alike it was a normal thing to maybe call off the wedding. Bill calling out Carson for giving marriage advice was pretty funny, Mike was a delight. I don’t know what to say. I’d watch a whole episode of The Boys just hanging around spending time together.

--

Florence’s worry that she’s ugly was...not a terrible idea for a storyline, but the actress is too good-looking to pretend to be ugly (I saw her in this pretty yellow dress on Instagram a couple years ago and she was smashing)? Also, it’s not like Ned is a handsomely aged gentleman (like Henry lol) so it makes even less sense for the characters. I think they should have gone with Florence feeling she’s “plain” and that dressing up Super Nice makes her feel uncomfortable because she just doesn’t feel like Herself and worries maybe it’s projecting a false sense of Who She Is or something? I guess overall I still liked that an attempt was made to add some depth to Florence and her difficulties in choosing a dress/hairstyle, so...it goes here.

--

Ned asking Henry to be his best man was nice, too. I can forgive the shoddy pacing and weird placement of this request (like I do with almost everything in the show) but only because the scene was just...so incredibly wholesome. 

I like how Henry just casually is like, “Well maybe today’s just not the day.” I think it eased Ned’s mind just a little that he CAN back out if he really wants to.

I think it’s worth thinking about the fact that Ned and Henry would have always worked very closely, since the mercantile would have been a company store before the mine closed down... I like Henry and Ned as pals.

--

I’m glad the “investment” thing with Jesse and Clara’s savings was brought up in a way that...makes sense. And also, glad it wasn’t forgotten.

--

I really liked Molly and Florence in this episode. I’m a little sad Florence married Ned because I AM SORRY BUT I WANTED TO KEEP SHIPPING MOLLY AND FLORENCE TOGETHER UGHGHGHH

But their relationship is so good and maYBE Elizabeth will learn something from them.

Hey Elizabeth...you see that?

YOU SEE THAT?

Just saying.

And then later...

“You are the sister I never had, the mother I forever wanted, the friend I have always needed. From the depths of those dark and terrifying coal mines you’ve walked beside me, picking me up whenever I’ve stumbled along the way.”

AAAAAAAAA IT GOT ME.

--

I’m...really liking Fiona and Mike’s relationship, whatever it is. I kind of think they’re not headed toward anything romantic. Everyone thinks Mike is really into Fiona but at the end of the episode we realize he likes talking to her about business; it’s almost like they have this shared passion for numbers/ideas and he likes infodumping to her (and vice-versa).

I think they’re going to end up being “just friends” and Fiona will end up paired off with the man Elizabeth doesn’t choose. They hinted at Nathan briefly in this episode (with Allie’s hair), but who knows? I’m over trying to speculate on where the triangle is going at this point, but I actually like Fiona’s relationship with Mike so much that I’ll be disappointed if she fades into the background with Nathan or Lucas. Mike deserves more screentime. 

--

Ned and Florence sharing their fIRST KISS. My husband got emotional over this. And I admit, it was starting to get to me, too. I can’t NOT root for them. 

--

I said it before and I’ll say it again: I WOULD DIE FOR THE CANFIELDS.

--

The wedding was nice. I liked that Bill and Joseph officiated it together; it gives Joseph a li’l trial run of pastoring and finally Bill gets to use some of that power of his to officiate a wedding.

“Please, if you’d like” is such a Bill way to say that they may kiss LOL.

--

Also, I have to admit that I did enjoy Lucas calling Nathan out about Allie. She wouldn’t be caught in the middle if he’d leave Elizabeth alone AND HE IS RIGHT LMAO.

The last good thing: Elizabeth telling Nathan she doesn’t blame him for Jack’s death. Nice. Good. Thank you. He probably needed to hear that.

--

...THE BAD

Carson and Faith. UGH. UGHHHHHHHHHH. BREAK UP ALREADY I HATE YOU BOTH.

I appreciated that Carson had the ring ages ago, and I did like his conversation with Minnie—or more accurately, her advice to him. I felt like she was nudging him toward, “Remember why you became a surgeon in the first place.” If he became a surgeon to help people, then there’s no reason he can’t help people where he is. Sure, he might not be doing state of the art procedures but with Faith working alongside him, he can afford time to learn new things and go to doctor conventions or even take a specialized class now and then. No other doctor could get away for very long but he has that chance!

And he’ll arguably be doing more good in the middle of nowhere than in the city. All the doctors want to live in the city. Nobody wants to barely get paid for their time in the countryside.

We had a whole episode that made it clear that Faith and Carson don’t make a lot of money and do a lot of charity work. They also work for trade goods (mostly food). So it’s like...a pretty big difference in lifestyle? 

Half the reason I can’t get invested in these characters is because I really can’t stand Paul Greene. He just...annoys me on every single level imaginable. But he’s a decent actor and I can’t help but feel that his character was a massive waste of space for the past few seasons through no fault of the man himself. Imagine introducing a character like Carson and then leaving him to rot before you try to make him interesting with a romance plot that nobody asked for.

Yes, some people really like Faith and Carson, but as a whole I think the fandom didn’t buy into them as a ship due to the lack of chemistry.

It really is a shame. This episode didn’t do a thing to endear me to either character. Please, Carson. I am begging you to leave town.

--

This one particular line of dialogue almost enraged me.

WE KNOW WE KNOW WE KNOW WE KNOW WE CAN SEE THAT FOR OURSELVES. WHY DID THEY HAVE ROSEMARY SAY THIS LIKE IT’S AN EPISODE OF A CHILD’S TV SHOW?

--

Elizabeth.........

How could Katie have...looked up to her? She was never in her class? That was? Never part of anything? It was just something they threw in here to force Elizabeth to make 1% more sense in the role she’s in but IT STILL DOESN’T WORK.

I felt like I was back in Season 5 again with Lori and Elizabeth putting their nose in everyone’s business except it’s just Elizabeth!! The whole plot, which was boring and contrived anyway, should have gone to Molly, since she’s Florence’s best friend and another woman from town that Katie would have known as a child.

AND ALSO, MOLLY WOULD HAVE KNOWN KATIE’S MOTHER AND WOULD REMEMBER THE GRIEF THAT NED STRUGGLED WITH.

I know they wanted to make Elizabeth give advice so that she’d Realize that she needs to, I don’t know, make better choices or something, but it was too on the nose for me and I hated it.

GinithePooh on Reddit made a good comparison to Elizabeth in this episode by saying she reminded them of Clippy from Microsoft Word, always popping up and offering to help when nobody really needs or wants advice.

To honor their incredible idea, I opened Photoshop and created this gem, which I will also be posting separately so that people can reblog it if they wish to.

I also don’t think I need to say also filed under The Bad is the fact that Elizabeth didn’t even apologize for being awful to Rosemary and then gave her unsolicited advice to other people for two days straight. I can’t believe they wrote that? 

All I can say is that her apology to Rosemary, when it comes, better be good.

--

And I didn’t like this either:

I wish it had been followed up by literally anything: Nathan saying he’s sorry he didn’t tell her sooner or something to make the hand-holding actually be a little more innocent.

As it is, it just seems so deliberate? 

Maybe the next episode starts off right in this scene and we’ll get that? If so, this might actually end up being fine. I just don’t think it is if it doesn’t get a little more direct attention.

--

& THE UGLY

I debated on putting anything in here, because I’m not ready to talk about my feelings on this matter, at least not fully. But I’ve been pretty quiet all season so far, and...eh, why not just mention things in advance? What will it hurt?

Let me preface this section by saying I’m biased and I doubt hardly anyone on this site will agree with me, so feel free to just ignore this part if that’s the case.

There are two things that I really didn’t like in this episode.

I hate the slanting toward Bill/Molly.

I like Molly just fine but I don’t like her with Bill. I’m biased as all getout and also worried about the future/potential Season 9 with regards to this. I don’t want to see it. Like at all. Why, you ask? You should know why if you follow me. I’m super transparent.

It’s because I like AJ AND I WANT HER BACK LOL.

John Tinker rewatched the series so we know he wouldn’t have missed that hanging plot thread—especially since he didn’t forget any of the other things that were brought up this season! So why didn’t she appear this season? The love triangle absolutely needed to be a focus or it would have never ended, so that’s part of it, but I’m also pretty sure Josie Bissett wasn’t interested in doing any filming last year during Covid. My only “proof” is that Wedding March 6 wasn’t filmed last year even though it was scheduled to be filmed, but it makes sense. Last year was chaos.

THAT SAID, Jack Wagner posted on his Instagram the other day that they are actually filming Wedding March 6 now, so... I guess AJ’s re-appearance in Season 9 wouldn’t come as too much of a surprise if they wanted to write it.

You’d think I’d be hyped about that, and I kind of am? But it doesn’t come without its share of worries, too. We just had the worst love triangle in the history of love triangles and I really don’t want another one, especially if it makes any of the characters in question look stupid or mean.

I fully admit a well-written love triangle could be a LOT of fun for them* (low stakes because they’re not front and center characters), but I saw how Nathan was written so far this season and I really, REALLY do not want to see that happen to Molly, Bill, or AJ.

Anyway, not a fan of the Molly/Bill stuff. No chemistry. I don’t want it.

*I would totally write a fanfic like this lmao.

--

And finally...the part that everyone will hate me for:

I DO NOT WANT TO SEE ABIGAIL COME BACK. And I specifically do not want her to come back ‘cause I do not wanna see Henry/Abigail happen.

I fully recognize that a lot of you like it and ship the heck out of it, and that’s...good. I’m glad you enjoy it. I loathe it, though, and I worry that all these hints (more like...mentions) are leaning toward...something. Like, either they’re:

1) Sending Abigail off/tying up that loose end with Henry (since nothing was ever clarified either way), or

2) Warming up the audience to receive Abigail back on the show.

I’m pretty into the idea of one-sided Henry/Abigail. Hindsight is 20/20, regrets, that’s all some juicy stuff to give a character like Henry. Some things can’t ever be made right again. He had too direct of a connection to the death of her husband and son for me to ever want to see them together. Forgiveness? Yes. A careful but meaningful friendship? Yes. Romantic relationship? Uh...no thanks.

I liked the Abigail mentions at first because I felt like...the character still mattered (as she should) but I’m at a point where I feel like they’re trying really hard to steer the fandom’s view a certain way and not knowing where it’s going is extremely unsettling to me.

--

I’ll probably talk more about the things that bother me when the season ends, because I’m hoping to have a better idea of where things are going to be headed, but for now just...know that I feel very apprehensive.

And keep in mind that I primarily watch this show for Bill these days, since all my previous faves (AJ, Frank, the old Abigail, Dottie) have exited, stage left. I also always really liked seeing Henry. So as you can imagine, seeing plotlines I hate for the only two characters I’m invested in? Is making me consider dropping the series next year.

My husband told me I should hate-watch it, but I don’t know if my heart can take it. I’ve been following this series for so long...it just...kind of hurts to feel let down like this? 

But sometimes an ongoing series ends up going where you...didn’t want it to, and it becomes something that’s no longer right for you. I hope that doesn’t happen, but last night’s episode makes me feel like...it might be happening for real this time.

I guess if that holds true it’ll be back to fanfiction for me. Will that novelization I planned ages ago end up getting written? Will I write the best love triangle fanfic known to man? WHO KNOWS.

For now, we’ll all have to wait and see! Two more episodes left. I’m really curious to see how they resolve some of the open plots right now. :>

[tokyoghoulaspecs]

Like I said in my last post, I’ve been putting more and more aspecs into my writing lately. This fic in particular is being written extremely scattered, so i have no idea when it’ll be posted, if at all. But I wanted to at least share the aspec bits I have written!

This time, it’s Hide’s segments!

(Word Count: 2200)

(Warnings for a brief scene of romance and lots of internalized aphobia/amisia)

[This takes place shortly after Dragon, while the ghouls are all still staying at the CCG]

“Um, Hide? Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Of course!”

“So, um, I was thinking about what you said...” Kaneki began.

“Which one?” Hide asked. So much had happened over the past few weeks, Kaneki could have been referring to literally anything.

“A-about... you liking me.”

“Oh.” Hide could feel his face heating up. He’d almost forgotten about his confession.

“And, I think I’d like to try? As long as that’s okay with you?”

Hide lunged and hugged him. “Of course it is!”

Kaneki hummed contentedly and hugged him back.

-

It was 3am, and Hide was awake staring at the ceiling.

He had forgotten the reason why he stopped dating in high school, why all of his relationships ended badly. Something was different about him — about his sexuality. Kaneki had just confessed and they became a couple, and already Hide could feel his feelings changing. Most people would write it off as anxiety, but Hide knew better. He’d felt this feeling before, and he knew what was happening. His romantic feelings were fading.

Hide groaned and ducked his head into his knees. “I was hoping I would be fixed by now.”

He had given up dating after he broke two people’s hearts. Two people that he had loved romantically, and even when his romantic feelings faded he still cared about, but the relationship became too much for him. Too many expectations, too many things he didn’t understand, and he had to end it. After not even a few months, going from passionate to repulsed, he unintentionally broke their hearts. And then they broke his when they screamed at him, accusing him of never loving them in the first place.

He had hoped that taking a long break from dating would fix whatever was wrong with his sexuality. He had loved Kaneki for so many years, with none of it fading, even when Kaneki went missing time and time again. Hide thought it would stay forever. But now that they were in a relationship, it was fading.

“Maybe I can hold on, and it’ll come back.” Hide said, trying to ignore the fact that he said the same thing in his prior relationships, and it had never worked before.

-

“I love you.” Kaneki whispered, nuzzling him before kissing him on the cheek.

Hide pulled away. “I can’t.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

Hide shook his head. “It’s not you. It’s me.” He grimaced. “I know that sounds cliché, but its true.”

“What’s wrong? I can fix it.” Kaneki reached out to take his hand.

“It’s nothing you can fix!” Hide snapped, yanking his hand away.

“Hide…?”

Hide stepped back. “S-sorry!”

“Wait, Hide!”

“I’m so sorry.” Hide ran off.

-

Hide tried to busy himself with CCG work, which Marude was more than happy to provide. It was boring, but gave him time to think, which he really needed. And after a while, he needed someone to talk about it with.

“Hey, Marude-san…” Hide began. “What are your thoughts on queer people?”

Marude laughed.

Hide winced and continued on his work. Maybe they could just pretend he never said anything.

“So you’re saying you’re queer too, huh?” Marude asked. “I guess I shoulda known, the way you talk about that one eyed bastard.”

Hide perked up. “Too?”

“Hm?” Marude looked at him. “Yeah. You’re far from the only queer person I know.”

“Really?”

Marude gave him a look. “Nagachika, you really think everyone is straight, in the entire CCG, all these years I’ve worked here?”

“Well, no, but…” Hide trailed off.

“So what are ya, then?” Marude asked. “I noticed you said queer and not gay.”

“I’m pansexual.”

“Which one is that?”

“It’s kinda like bisexual. Usually people use it to mean more gender-blind, whereas with bisexual there’s usually some internal difference with attraction to each gender. But not all people use it that way.”

Marude hummed and nodded. Hide was glad he accepted it at face value and didn’t try to pick it apart.

“But the past few days, I’m beginning to think I’m something else…”

“What, like you’re just gay or just straight?”

“Not like that.” Hide shook his head. “Like, an additional label.”

“Transgender?” Marude guessed.

“Not trans, but you’re on the right track on how trans is an additional label on a different axis.”

“Then what label are you thinking about adding? I’m at my limit of vocab here!”

“Aromantic.” Hide said, deciding to keep it as simple as possible.

“And that is?”

Here it comes…

“Not experiencing romantic attraction.”

There was silence. Hide braced himself.

“Romantic?” Marude asked. “So, wait. Separate from sexual stuff?”

“For me, yeah. But some other aros don’t experience sexual attraction either.”

Marude hummed. He seemed to accept it, but Hide couldn’t tell what he was thinking beyond that.

“So what’s the issue?” Marude asked.

“I can’t love.” Hide whispered. “And that’s scary.”

“Eh, love’s overrated.” Marude waved him off.

Hide sighed. He was glad Marude was being so accepting, and it was really nice to hear someone not put romance on a pedestal for once, but at the same time Hide wanted some validation for his fears.

“For so long now I’ve prided myself on being loving. And now knowing that I can’t… What am I now?”

“So was everything fake?”

“No. Yes? It’s complicated.” Hide groaned.

“Look, kid. You feel how you feel. You can’t force it or change it. And that goes for everything, not just sexualities.”

“I know.”

“You’re a sweet kid. It’s overbearing to me, but I appreciate that in a world so cruel, people like you exist. And from what I’ve seen, the care you show isn’t fake.”

“The non-romantic love? That’s not fake. But the romance? The crushes and flirting? It’s not fake but… it disappears. Way sooner than it should.”

“Disappears?”

“I think I’m, like, a subset of aromantic? I get crushes but they fade after I’m in a relationship. Way sooner than it should. I’ve been in love with Kaneki for years, but now that we’re a couple, that romantic attraction is gone.”

“That’s certainly a dilemma.”

Hide scoffed. That was an understatement.

“So what do you wanna do about it?” Marude asked.

“Huh?”

“Break up, or keep it up?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then just talk to him.”

“Huh?”

“I can’t give you any advice on the romance aspect, but you two have been through things much worse than relationship drama. Just talk to the guy. Can’t be any scarier than what you’ve gone through.”

“I’d beg to differ.” Hide muttered.

Marude rolled his eyes. “Even I know he’s not gonna get pissed and eat you.”

“Of course not! That’s not what I’m afraid of!”

“Then what are you afraid of?”

“I don’t want to hurt him.” Hide whispered. “Or make him think I hate him.”

“Just communicate with him. You can’t work it out all alone. You both need to work together, or else how do you even expect your relationship to work?”

Hide sighed. “...I guess you’re right.”

-

Akira huffed as she sat down next to him. “How do people deal with it?”

Hide gave her a look. “Deal with what?”

“Crushes!” Akira said, as if it was obvious. “They’re so distracting.”

Hide chuckled. They certainly were.

“I thought one was bad enough, but now I have two! Ugh!”

“Oof. That’s rough. I’ve been there.”

“Hey, you’re allo-romantic, right? How do you deal with crushes?”

“Huh? Allo-romantic?” Hide asked. He thought he was pretty well-versed in sexuality terms, but he hadn’t heard that one before.

“It means people who aren’t on the aromantic spectrum.”

“You’re aromantic?” Hide asked. He had known she was asexual for years, but he never knew what her romantic orientation was.

“Demi-romantic.” Akira explained with a nod. “Got my first crush at 20 on a friend, and now a double-whammy of crushes #2 and #3 at 25.”

“Huh.” Hide whispered. He was 22, and it was pretty incredible to imagine only having a single crush in that much time.

Akira-san is aromantic…

“Do you know a lot about aromantic terminology?” Hide decided to ask.

“I wouldn’t say I’m an expert, but I have been researching it these past few weeks. Why? What do you want to know?”

“I’ve been wondering if I fall somewhere on there…” Hide said.

“Really?”

“I’ve actually been wondering since high school, but its come back full force now.”

“What makes you think you are?”

“I get a regular amount of crushes, I think. But they, like… fade…?”

Akira hummed in understanding and nodded. “I do recall seeing a few terms like that.”

Hide’s eyes widened. “Really? More than one? Like what?”

“Um, off the top of my head I remember Aroflux, that fluctuates. Hold on.” She pulled out her phone and typed into it.

“Maybe, but that’s a bit vague…” Hide said.

“I know Grey-romantic can be used as an umbrella term.” Akira added. “Ah, here we go! Fray-romantic means you’re only romantically attracted to strangers, and it fades as you get to know them!”

“That’s close, but it’s not that quick. Well, maybe I can use it anyway.” He knew that a lot of queer terms had a lot of grey area to them.

“Oh, and there’s also Lithromantic, that fades at reciprocation!”

“Reciprocation...?” Hide asked, his eyes widening. “That’s… That’s it…”

“Ha, really? That’s awesome!”

“I got crushes and tried to date them, but once I was in a relationship my feelings would disappear. I tried to push on and fake it, but it didn’t work out and we had to break up. Eventually I just gave up dating entirely.”

Hide sighed and held his head in his hands.

Akira frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s Kaneki.”

“Kaneki?”

“We just confessed to each other and started officially dating, and I can already feel it fading.”

Akira frowned, not sure what to say.

Hide laid down. “Who’d want to date me? A person who can’t love them back.”

Akira scoffed, laying back to join him. “What about me, huh? Someone who takes forever to like you back, and even then isn’t capable of sexual attraction.”

“You like Amon-san and Takizawa-san, right?” Hide guessed.

“Yeah. So what?”

Hide turned on his side to face her. “Well, Amon-san doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to care about that. And I don’t think Takizawa-san does either. If they really love you, then I’m sure they’d be willing to find a way to meet in the middle.”

Akira sighed, considering his words. Then she gave some of her own, “You know, you and Kaneki are really close. We can all tell. And I know Kaneki, too, and how he is. I’m sure he’d accept your aromanticism. Maybe you could even be in a non-romantic relationship with him.”

Hide blinked. Akira chewed her lip. They were both silent, thinking on each other’s words.

“You really think someone would be okay having a relationship without sex?” Akira asked.

“Of course.” Hide replied. “Do you really think someone would be okay with having a committed relationship that’s not romantic?”

“Of course.” Akira replied.

-

As he talked, Hide walked around the room, taking in the tiniest of details. And then he came across small pride pins, clipped to her bag laid in the corner.

“Is that what I think it is?!” Hide cried out.

“Huh? What is what you think it is?” Kimi asked, turning around.

“That!” Hide pointed to the pin that had gradients of greens and blacks. “Is that an aromantic pin?”

Kimi’s eyes widened. No one had ever recognized it before. Hardly anyone even recognized her bisexual one. “Yeah. I’m aromantic.”

“Wow.” Hide muttered. “And I know the bi one, but… what’s this other one?” He pointed to the one on the other side of the aromantic pin, the one with stripes making a gradient from pink to green.

“It’s aroflux.” Kimi said. “I fall in the grey area of the aromantic spectrum.”

Hide untensed his shoulders. “You know… I think I do, too.”

“Really?”

“I’m Lith-romantic, I’m pretty sure.”

“Neat! It’s always exciting to meet more aromantics!”

“You know others?”

“Nishiki-kun is arospec too. And I’ve helped a few other people question.”

“Nishio-senpai is too?! You’re in a relationship with another aromantic?! That’s amazing!”

“Tell me about it! It was just a coincidence! He didn’t know he was aromantic before I told him about aromanticism! Although, in hindsight I guess it explains why we fit so well together. We both have very complicated feelings on romance, that our previous partners never were able to grasp.”

Hide felt warm and happy, a sense of comfort and kinship coming over him. He often had a lot of internalized dislike of his aromanticism, but it was really nice to talk to someone who was similar — someone else who was on the aromantic spectrum.

Whenever he talked to other people — other allo-romantics, was the term Akira had used — they never grasped what he was trying to explain and always blew it off. As much as he liked people and socialized, he always felt a heavy disconnect from them.

And it suddenly dawned on him. He knew three arospecs so far, and Kimi had implied more.

[chinguwritings]

A 3RACHA Fan-Fiction

|| Ch 1 || Ch 2 || Ch 3 || Ch 4 || Ch 5 || Ch 6 ||

A/N: Even though this isn’t doing well, this is the first time in years that I’ve written something for myself and for that reason, I’m gonna keep posting. For any of you who are reading and enjoying this, I hope you like this next chapter! ~ Admin Kay

Chapter 2 - Him

Genre: Angst, Smut, Hanahaki AU

Rating: R (swearing, mentions of depression, suicide, & death, sexual scenes)

Word Count: 3.7k

“Jisung…” Changbin addressed as he lightly nudged him, trying to wake him up. “Jisung!” he said louder, this time shaking him, “You gotta wake up, or else we’ll be late.”

“Ugh,” Jisung mumbled as he shifted in his bed, still refusing to open his eyes, “What time is it?”

“9:45, and we’re supposed to be there at 10. Hurry up and get ready,” Changbin demanded as he rushed out of the room.

“Ugh… dammit,” Jisung complained as he forced himself out of his bed, quickly finding something to wear before heading out.

“Why are you so tired?” Changbin asked as the two boys quickly made their way to the studio.

“I uh- couldn’t sleep last night…” Jisung stuttered, thinking of something on the fly.

“Why? I finished practicing pretty early.”

“It's just… it was one of those nights, y’know?” he replied, hoping Changbin would buy it. Thankfully, it seemed as though he did, considering he put a sudden halt on the questions and just continued on their rush to get to the studio on time.

As they walked, Jisung couldn’t help but reminisce about the emotional experience he’d shared with Chan the night before. It ended up going a lot better than he expected, well, the confession part at least, and now, Jisung valued it as a very special moment in his life that he would cherish forever.

~

“Chan… I’m gay.”

For a moment, there was silence, a shocked expression on Chan’s face as Jisung nervously anticipated his reaction. His heart began to sink the longer the silence drew out, worries filling his head that maybe Chan didn’t agree with such a lifestyle… or maybe he was just worried about Jisung’s career. Afterall, being an idol is tough, and the crowds are always judgemental… maybe something like this really wasn’t good for him… maybe he should’ve kept his mouth shut. Jisung gulped hard, his eyes stinging as he fought back tears.

Maybe this was all a mistake…

Finally, after what felt like forever, Chan rested his hands on each of Jisung’s shoulders, a proud and emotion-filled smile appearing on his face, “Jisung… I’m so proud of you. Coming out… is an incredibly difficult thing to do.”

Jisung let out a huge sigh of relief, the tears that were once filled with worry quickly becoming tears of joy and relief.

“Come here,” Chan spoke, quickly pulling Jisung into a tight hug, “I support you, one hundred percent… and I know the right guy is out there for you somewhere. But if you manage to end up with someone who isn’t treating you right along the way, make sure you tell me so I can kick his ass.”

~

When Jisung planned on coming out, he had hoped that Chan would at least be accepting of his sexuality, but he never imagined he would be that supportive. He was grateful though, knowing that Chan’s positive reaction was a step in the right direction, despite the fact that he might not necessarily share the same sexuality as Jisung. He decided to hold on to the hope that maybe Chan really was gay too, but he just hasn’t yet come to the realization.

“What are you so happy about?” Changbin questioned, noticing that Jisung had been dozing off and was now smiling like an idiot, “Are you high?”

“H-happy? Am I happy?” he chuckled nervously, trying to save himself, “I think it's just the lack of sleep making me go crazy.”

Although he let it slide, yet again, Changbin wasn’t really buying Jisung’s excuses. He knew Jisung was hiding something from him, but he didn’t really want to dig for it; he wanted Jisung to tell him himself since he wasn’t the type to butt his nose into other people’s business.

To no surprise, they arrived at the company five minutes late, so quickly the two boys waved to each other and they parted ways, Changbin rushing to the recording room while Jisung made his way to the dance studio.

“Hey, Binnie,” Chan greeted as Changbin walked through the door.

“Hey,” he replied dryly and took a seat next to Chan at the soundboard, “Sorry I’m late, Jisung wouldn’t wake up this morning.”

“No worries, it’s all good. We still got a lot of time,” Chan shrugged it off as he flipped through the lyrics papers of the song Changbin was recording today, “Warm up your voice, Bin. We’ll start recording in ten minutes.”

* * *

“It’s sounding good, Changbin,” Chan praised as he finished listening to the final recording for the day, “There’s a few rough patches, but for the most part it’s pretty good.”

“Thanks, I’ve been practicing…” he muttered quietly, trying not to engage with him too much.

“Definitely sounds like it, keep up the good work!” Chan smiled, throwing him a thumbs up.

As much as he tried to hide it, Changbin couldn’t fight the little smile that crept onto his face. Most of the time, he would avoid being influenced by anything Chan said to him, not wanting to take any of their conversations to heart, but every now and then, Chan would be extra nice with the compliments and praise. Those were the times that he’d find it extremely difficult for him to just ignore; so before he could dwell on his feelings any longer, he decided to take his leave, quickly snatching his phone out of his pocket as he bid Chan farewell and headed towards the door.

“Changbin, wait!” Chan blurted as he jumped up from his seat and chased after him.

“Yes?”

“You uh… this fell out of your pocket…” Chan spoke awkwardly as he held out a braided bracelet that he’d retrieved from the floor when Changbin took out his phone. Tension suddenly filled the air as Changbin quickly recognized the item and snatched it from Chan’s hand, a slight blush forming on his cheeks as his eyes darted to the ground.

“You don’t wear it anymore, huh?” Chan spoke in an almost sad tone, mutually breaking his gaze at Changbin.

“Neither do you,” Changbin mumbled under his breath before turning and finally storming away from Chan.

He still carries it though… Chan thought to himself as he stepped back into the recording studio to close up.

“Hello?” Changbin spoke through the phone, clearing his throat as he walked down the long hall to the practice room to meet Jisung, “I just finished, I’m on my way.”

“Okay, I’m almost done too. See you soon.”

After hanging up, he let out the cough that he’d been holding back while on the phone, his eyes widening as he was met with an unwanted acquaintance that he was luckily able to avoid for quite some time now. In his hand, rested a couple of flower petals… petunia petals, yellow in color.

[Stage 3, Yellow: Anger ~ petunia // symbol of anger and resentment]

It’d been at least a month since his last flare, and he really thought maybe this time, he’d gotten over it… but no, of course he hadn’t. Any time he had a close interaction with Chan, typically unintentional, it would always come back. He could feel his chest starting to ache the more he thought about it, his symptoms always seeming to worsen when he got into his head about the situation. Tossing the petals into a nearby trash can, he took a seat on one of the benches in the hall and took deep breaths to clear his mind.

It would be bad if he vomited a shit ton of petals right outside of the practice room, considering he never told Jisung about his condition and he had absolutely no intention of doing so. He decided after a few minutes of breathing that he’d better just go back home and apologize to Jisung later. Although the breathing exercises helped him relax and slow his heart rate, he wasn’t able to shake the uneasiness he was feeling in his lungs; he felt it was too risky to be with Jisung in such a state considering they'd be walking home together. Even though they were best friends, the burden he carried still felt like a fresh wound and he just wasn’t ready to open up about it to anyone yet; he couldn’t handle the pain that came with thinking about it.

Once he got home, he locked himself in the bathroom and let himself sink into his thoughts again, the pain in his chest and lungs quickly returning and worsening. In front of people, Changbin always hid behind a mask, bottling his feelings and putting on a happy face… he didn’t want anyone to know he was suffering, but behind closed doors, he was anything but happy, fighting depression that sparked from his unrequited love and the dumb disease that came with it. He always asked himself what was even the point of feelings or love? It’s never like the movies where two people just happen to fall in love and it works out perfectly… So why was he even trying?

Changbin’s eyes stung as he continued to dwell in his thoughts and that’s when the pain he felt earlier suddenly intensified. Hunching over the toilet bowl, flowers petals agonizingly spewed from his lungs, the same yellow petunia petals from earlier that day now floating delicately on the clear water. He could also make out a few petals that were different; they were white but brushed with green, the next color of the rainbow and likely, the next stage of his disease.

[Stage 4, Green: Depression & Reflection ~ lily // symbol of sadness]

His body felt heavy at the thought of a new flower blooming in his respiratory system but he could only laugh at himself in response, out of sheer pity. How pathetic was he? Getting so sick over some guy that couldn’t care less about him? Romantically anyways… He was beyond halfway through the stages now and if he couldn’t accept it or have his love returned, he would die. It was true, a part of him did want to die because he thought it wasn’t worth it anymore if he had to continue living this way. Being locked in the bathroom, he knew he was only a few steps away from the medicine cabinet if he was really desperate… or he could wait for the slower, more excruciating route, letting the flowers grow and accumulate in his body until their roots were embedded into his lungs, asphyxiating him to the end of his long, dreadful suffering… but for reasons he couldn’t understand, another part of him held on to a small sliver of hope, which is what kept him going all this time. He couldn’t understand why he was still giving himself false hope and how he was even gullible enough to keep himself convinced. Not only was he pathetic, but he was also an idiot, hoping for a fairytale ending that he knew would never happen.

“Changbin…” Jisung addressed with concern in his voice as he knocked on the bathroom door, “You okay in there?”

“Yeah,” Changbin replied, forcing himself to get his shit together as he flushed the toilet and hurried to the sink to wash up, “Just food poisoning I think. Probably the take out I had last night.” He feigned a smile as he opened the door and came face to face with Jisung, who looked extremely worried despite Changbin’s attempt to assure him he was fine.

“Do you need me to take you to the doctor?” Jisung asked, noticing how pale and drained Changbin looked.

“I told you it’s just food poisoning. Don’t worry about it.”

~

“Some Christmas party, huh?” Chan chuckled as he looked over at Changbin, the two sitting on the balcony of the guest bedroom which Chan had led them to to escape the noise of the party downstairs.

“Yeah, it was pretty crazy down there,” Changbin smiled, staring up at the stars rather than at Chan, “How’d you know about this room?”

“JYP let me sleep here a few times when he had to drive me to important events early in the morning.”

“Ah, I see… that’s convenient”

“Yeah…”

Silence soon fell upon the two boys, however, it wasn’t awkward; it was simply quiet… though, the lack of noise had Changbin worried that maybe Chan could hear his heart pounding against his chest.

Nervously clearing his throat, Changbin pulled a tiny drawstring bag out of his pocket and held it out to Chan, “Merry Christmas, hyung… it’s not much, but I hope you like it.”

“Changbin,” he whined, grudgingly taking the bag from him, “You didn’t have to.”

“I know… but I wanted to. I mean, like I said earlier, it’s not much anyways.”

Opening the little baggy, Chan pulled out a black, braided bracelet, very simple in design and it looked like it was handmade.

“Did you make this?” Chan smiled as he slipped it onto his wrist.

“Mhm…” Changbin replied, holding out his own wrist and pulling up his sleeve, “I made one for myself too. We’re matching.”

“I love it,” Chan chuckled, slyly taking the opportunity to take Changbin’s hand into his own and hold it in his lap.

Changbin shied away in response, trying to hide the blush that crept on his cheeks as a result of Chan’s intimate gesture. Chan couldn’t help but find Changbin’s response cute, a little laugh slipping from him as he adoringly stared at the clearly embarrassed boy next to him.

Butterflies filled Chan’s stomach as he debated whether or not he should make a move, but seeing how vulnerable Changbin looked, all shy and flustered, he just couldn’t help himself. Sliding a hand up to Changbin’s cheek, he turned his head to face him and connected their lips before Changbin could even process what was happening.

Changbin was definitely startled by Chan’s bold move, but he didn’t have to think twice about kissing him back. Wrapping his arms around Chan’s waist, he pulled him closer, deepening the chaste kiss with their lips moving together in perfect harmony. Their pure moment however, was soon cut short when Chan invited his tongue into Changbin’s mouth, immediately eliciting a moan from him as he swirled his slick muscle around in his wet cavern.

Changbin’s stomach tingled thinking about the situation he was in, finally able to somewhat process what was going on; he was really sitting on a balcony, making out with his crush of a few months and possibly… could be doing more with him. It was already hard enough to believe Chan liked him back, but the fact that he made the first move and things were escalating so quickly made it even crazier.

Before he knew it, Chan was on top of him, lips now pressed against his neck, peppering it with soft, wet kisses.

“Chan,” he moaned, fisting the back of Chan’s shirt as he continued to kiss down the full length of his neck.

“So hot when you say my name like that,” Chan mumbled against his skin as he moved back up to nip at Changbin’s ear, his hand slowly sliding down his body until it landed on the stiff bulge in his pants.

“Yah...” Changbin blurted, his cheeks flushing a bright red as he grabbed Chan by the wrist to stop him, “W-what are you doing?”

“Oh shit… I- I’m sorry,” Chan apologized awkwardly, worry apparent in his voice as he sat back up and regained his composure, “I got carried away.”

“N-no, I… liked it…” Changbin mumbled under his breath, “It’s just… don’t you think it’d be better to continue this inside? Y’know, on the bed… maybe…?”

Glancing back at Changbin, Chan smirked, coming to the conclusion that they must’ve had the same thing in mind all along and that Changbin was just being shy. “Yeah, good idea,” Chan smiled, standing up before offering a hand to Changbin, “Don’t know why I didn’t think of it.”

They’d barely just stepped foot back into the bedroom when Chan pushed Changbin onto the bed, his lips crashing down into Changbin’s for a messy kiss. Without pulling away, Chan quickly unbuttoned his shirt and flung it aside before his hands found their way back to Changbin’s body. It didn’t take long for his touch to wander back down to the stiffness in Changbin’s pants, gently palming it to elicit the sweet moans he’d been dying to hear more of earlier.

“Feel good?” Chan smirked, finally breaking away from their heated make out session.

“So good,” Changbin exhaled as his head rolled back against the soft pillow.

“Mind if I go under?”

Chills ran down Changbin’s spine at those words, his strained member twitching at the feeling of Chan’s hands fiddling with his belt buckle.

“Please…” Changbin begged, a bit whinier than he intended, but at that point he didn’t care; he just desperately craved Chan’s touch.

“Well,” Chan chuckled almost devilishly, “Don’t mind if I do.”

Without any hesitation, Changbin’s belt was undone along with his pants and once Chan had enough access, he slid the waistband of his briefs down just enough to free his throbbing hard-on. Changbin could almost see the lust glowing in Chan’s eyes as he wrapped his fingers around him and slowly began to pump him.

The amount of pre-cum Changbin wept was almost embarrassing as it revealed just how desperate and horny he was, but Chan didn’t fail to take advantage of it, circling his thumb over Changbin’s slick head before spreading the substance down the length of his shaft.

“Have you gotten head before?” Chan smirked as his hands reverted back to a slow stroking motion, the newly added lubricant allowing his palm to glide more smoothly along Changbin’s length.

“N-no…” his voice hitched in his throat, his brain struggling to form words as Chan continued to pleasure him, “H-have you?”

“No,” Chan chuckled, “But I’ve been dying to try giving it.”

Changbin instantly knew what Chan was thinking, his cock twitching involuntarily at the thought of being sucked off by his long time crush. Of course, it didn’t go unnoticed by Chan, the smirk plastered on his face somehow radiating a new, more sinful aura compared to before as he shifted himself towards the lower half of the bed.

“I take it that means you want to be my lab rat, huh?”

Changbin was now at a complete loss for words, too overwhelmed to really process anything at that point, though he'd be lying if he denied Chan’s comment. Positioning himself between Changbin’s legs, Chan looked up at him for some kind of confirmation before proceeding, “I’m not gonna do it unless you say yes.”

Gulping nervously, Changbin stared blankly at Chan for a second before finally parting his lips to speak, “I-I… want it.”

“It’d be my pleasure,” Chan smiled, wasting no time before pressing his tongue to Changbin’s base and licking all the way up to the tip. After swirling around his head a few times, Chan finally sealed his lips around Changbin’s girth, taking in as much of his length as his throat would allow.

“Oh my god,” Changbin muttered under his breath, the unfamiliar sensation presenting a new level of pleasure that he could’ve never achieved through his own means; Chan had only just started, but he already felt like his end was near. Changbin’s hands quickly found their way into Chan’s damp curls, trying not to pull too hard as he fought against his orgasnm that threatened to burst at any moment now. “Chan…” Changbin barely managed to say between choppy breaths and throaty moans, “I-I… I’m so c-close…”

Chan hollowed his cheeks as he pulled off, his actions accompanied by a loud ‘pop’ while his hand temporarily took the place of his mouth to stimulate Changbin, “Cum then. Don’t be shy.”

With that, he took Changbin back into his mouth, his tongue pressed up against the underside of his cock as he bobbed his head, urging Changbin to release. Not even a minute passed before he had Changbin trembling beneath him, face scrunched as his climax drew dangerously close.

“Chan I ah-” Chanbin started, but before he could finish, he was interrupted by an explosion of pure bliss radiating through his body, his head thrown back as his essence seeped down the back of Chan’s throat. Chan licked his lips as he swallowed every last drop, a look of satisfaction etched onto his face as he got up and straddled Changbin.

“That was fun… but I hope the night isn’t over yet,” Chan spoke as he undid his own pants, unwrapping and rolling a condom over himself before hooking his fingers into Changbin’s pants to pull them down, “Shall we go further?”

~

Changbin sighed as he stared up at the ceiling, struggling to fight back tears that were induced by the painful memory of Chan that he’d been holding onto for the past few months. That night at the party, he never thought that doing it with Chan… that losing his virginity to him, would end up being just a worthless one night stand; had he known, he definitely wouldn’t have agreed to it. His feelings for Chan were just too strong to be okay with sharing an extremely intimate moment with him knowing it was just for a night; he wanted to spend an eternity with him.

He could feel his lungs tightening again the more he thought about his unrequited feelings for Chan and how he’d been used and simply tossed aside… how even despite that, he still gets butterflies in his stomach when Chan gives him even the tiniest, most meaningless compliments… the fact that he still liked someone who’d been putting him through constant emotional pain for months and he probably didn’t even have the slightest clue...

Shooting up from his bed, he darted to the nearest trash can and fell to his knees as he hurled up yet another bundle of yellow and green flower petals, clutching his sides in pain as he groaned between labored breaths. With his head still hung over the bin, the petals scattered among his mounds of trash starred back up at him, mocking him about his dumb, one-sided love.

“Fuck…” he muttered under his breath, cupping his face in his hands as finally he let out all the tears he’d been holding back the entire day. Why him?

|| Ch 1 || Ch 2 || Ch 3 || Ch 4 || Ch 5 || Ch 6 ||

[xiubaek-13]

Stalling Time

Prompt: Yixing + “Shut up and kiss me already.”

Setting/AU: Vet

Warnings: Injured animal, memory of death of a pet.

Word Count: 2,340

A/N: I put trigger warnings for this drabble because an animal is in an accident, and there is a flashback to a pet passing away.

You weren’t sure how you even made it to the animal hospital without crashing since you could hardly see through your tears as you drove. You loved animals more than people so naturally you were beside yourself when you saw a dog run out into open traffic and saw the car that didn’t swerve out of the way in time. The screeching sound of tires followed by a small thump would be forever etched into your mind. Nothing you would ever see would be worse than that, you were sure of it.

But when the driver didn’t stop, your shock went to rage and despair. You stopped in the middle of the highway, got out of your car, ignoring the cacophony of horns behind you, and collected the poor animal. It was still alive, thankfully the car had mostly swerved out of the way but from the whimpers coming from the injured animal, you knew it was hurt. You carried it back to your car and gingerly placed it on the backseat before driving off to the nearest vet you could find.

The tears started as your worry increased. What if the dog was more injured than you thought? What if it didn’t make it? You knew exactly how it felt to be on the receiving end of that kind of devastating news. As you drove you remembered that day vividly, you’d been twelve years old. You remembered how you’d arrived home from school and had found it odd that the house was so quiet. Usually your father was home and Danny, your best friend and family pet, would come bounding up to you. You wandered through the hall and into the backyard as you searched for either of them but found nothing. You had figured that maybe your father had taken Danny for a walk so you went about your business, did your homework and watched some TV.

As soon as your father walked in the door you knew something was wrong. Your eyes darted around, searching for Danny, but all you saw was the heartbroken expression on your fathers face. Your father was the strong one in the family, so seeing him like this broke you. He didn’t even need to say the words, the pained expression when you asked “Where’s Danny?” was enough to tell you that something horrible had happened.

“I’m so sorry honey,” He’d started, but you dropped to the floor before he could say anything else. He rushed over to you and cradled you in his arms as you sobbed, ignoring his own tears.

The dog in the back of your car would be ok, it had to be. You were trying to convince yourself that it would all be ok as you drove because you could not handle the idea of another child’s world being shattered like yours was.

You finally arrived at the animal hospital, parking horribly outside & definitely in a no parking zone but you didn’t care. You slowly lifted the dog out of the backseat and it whined at the movement, its eyes wide with fear and its body trembling. It absolutely broke your heart to see it suffering like this. “Shhh, we’re almost there ok?” You said, hoping your voice would calm the poor thing down. “We’re gonna get you fixed up so you can go home and live your best life ok?” You kept chatting away to the dog as it seemed like your voice was having a somewhat calming effect on it as you walked towards the doors of the hospital.

As soon as you entered a vet nurse rushed over to you and helped you place the dog on a small portable bed. You were thankful that there weren’t many people there so you were rushed ahead of the few that were waiting. When she tried to separate you and the terrified animal it panicked so she asked you to stay with it, so that the poor thing didn’t injure itself further. You agreed instantly, thinking if you were in it shoes you wouldn’t want to be alone.

You stayed while the vet came and assessed the severity of the dog’s injuries and you waited patiently in the waiting room when they finished prepping for surgery and put the little guy under. The waiting was the worst part, you didn’t know how long they’d be, if the lil guy would make it, who he belonged to, nothing. As though she could read your mind the vet nurse appeared and beckoned you over to the front desk. “Before we took him in I scanned him and found a microchip. I’m just going to look up the owner now so you don’t have to wait around any longer if you don’t want to.”

You shook your head. “I’ll stay. I need to know if he’s ok.” You said. She nodded, the understanding evident in her eyes. You walked back to your seat and continued to wait, hoping that the surgery wouldn’t take much longer and that it would be a good outcome. The vet hadn’t thought it was anything life threatening but you worried regardless of that fact. He hadn’t witnessed the accident, or heard the cries of fear and pain coming from the poor animals mouth.

An hour had passed when a young man burst through the doors, his eyes frantic as he looked around the room and rushed up to the desk. “I got a call to tell me that my dog was in an accident?! Is he ok? Where is he?” The vet nurse lead him over to where you were sitting and waited for him to take a seat.

“Yixing is it?” He nodded. “Your dog was hit by a car earlier today.” You saw him freeze and all of the colour disappear from his face. “This young woman next to you witnessed the accident, and when the driver didn’t stop, she brought your dog here. His injuries aren’t life threatening but we still had to put him under for surgery. That is where he is now. I’ll let you know of any updates as soon as I have them.” She smiled softly at both of you in the way that all nurses do before turning and heading back to the front desk.

The young man next to you had slumped forward with his head in his hands. This whole situation must be overwhelming for him. You remembered all too well how it had hit you the last time you had to experience the fear of loss. “What’s his name?” You asked gently.

He rubbed his face with his hands as he sat back up and looked at you, pain and fear in his eyes. “Guiying.” He coughed. “His name is Guiying.”

You tried a small smile. “He’s very much like his namesake.” Yixing half chuckled. “He was frightened but he was very brave, letting a complete stranger pick him up and drive him off to who knows where.”

“He might be brave but he’s also foolish.” He sighed. “He must have escaped the backyard and run off, and just… just got distracted by traffic.” He sniffed as he took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.

You placed a hand on his shoulder as you tried to reassure him. “Hey, I’m pretty sure it was just his hind leg that was broken, but that they had to put pins in, hence the surgery. He’ll be ok.”

Yixing grabbed your hand and held it tightly in his. “Thank you for caring enough to help him.”

“I just did what anyone would.” you said.

“No,” he shook his head. “You didn’t. Most people would not stop in the middle of an intersection to help an animal. Most people would just keep driving, thinking someone else would help it or that it was too late to help. You,” He choked back a sob. “You saved his life.”

You couldn’t speak because you could feel your emotions in your throat, tears were so close to forming and you did not want to let them. Instead you smiled and squeezed his hand. The two of you sat in silence, his hand still not leaving yours, as though your hand was his anchor to reality and hope.

After another hour of sitting and occasionally chatting about life, avoiding the topic of the accident, instead trying to distract yourselves from the fact that you were both sitting in the animal hospital waiting room late at night, you’d come to the realisation that if the circumstances were different, Yixing was someone you would be interested in. He was kind, honest, thoughtful, funny and it was futile to deny that he was incredibly easy on the eyes. But in the back of your mind you had to remind yourself not to flirt with him, the poor man was waiting to see if his beloved dog was ok, this was not the time nor the place. Normally you despised small talk, but you’d made an exception for Yixing since you were trying to keep both him and yourself distracted from thinking about Guiying.

“I know I’ve said it repeatedly tonight, but thank you.” He said.

You smiled. “And like I’ve said every time, I was more than willing to do what I did.”

Yixing shook his head. “No, I mean yes, thank you for that but this thank you was specifically for staying here with me and waiting. You didn’t have to do that. And don’t think I haven’t realised that you’ve been trying to keep me distracted.” He half smiled at you.

“Ah, you caught me.” You chuckled.

“You’re good at it.” He paused as his eyes drifted from your eyes to your mouth, a fleeting glance, before moving back up to your eyes again. “I’ve worried less in the past hour than I thought I would and that’s thanks to you.”

Your reply is interrupted when the vet emerges from a door and walks over to the two of you. “Yixing?” He asks as he looks down at the young man next to you who is fidgeting as all of his worries flood back into his system.

Without thinking you grab his hand to ground him. He grips back tightly as he responds. “Y-yes. Is?…how?…please,” he stutters out.

The vet crouches down to bring himself to eye level with Yixing. “Hey, calm yourself. Thanks to the lovely young woman next to you your dog is going to be just fine. He has a broken leg that will take time to heal and he had an internal obstruction caused by the accident. I’ve fixed him up and he’ll be able to come home with you in a few days. We have to keep him here for a few nights for observation. He’s a little groggy post-op but you can come and see him if you’d like.”

Yixing exhales a breath you hadn’t realised he was holding. He thanks the vet profusely before standing and turning to see if you were coming as well. You let go of his hand and shook your head lightly. “I think, if it’s ok with you, that I’ll visit Guiying tomorrow. I’m just glad he’s ok.”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind if you come along now.” He started but you stopped him.

“Yixing, it’s sweet of you, really, but I think it’ll be better for you to go see him alone.” You looked over at the vet. “Is it ok if I drop by around 11am tomorrow to visit?” He nodded and told you that as long as Yixing was ok with it then they’d allow it. Yixing was more than happy to oblige you visiting his dog since you were the reason he was even still alive.

You watched as Yixing’s form disappeared behind the door and turned to the vet nurse who was holding a clipboard out to you. “What’s this?” You asked, confused.

“We have a policy that is to wait until after surgery to hand these kinds of forms out. You mentioned a car hit the animal right?” She asked.

“Yes.”

“This form is for you to write down all of the details of the accident that you can recall so that we can send it on to the police. Not common policy, I know, but there is an officer there who follows up the reports we send him.” She hands you the clipboard. “If you just fill them out before you leave, I’d be really grateful.”

You take the clipboard and take a seat, filling out all of the details you can remember. You aren’t sure how this helps, was hitting an animal even illegal? You hated the driver for not stopping but there was no denying that it was an accident. You hummed as you finished filling out the forms, then got up and handed it back to the vet nurse. She thanked you as you turned to take your leave.

“Wait!”

You had reached the door to your car when you heard his voice as he ran out the front door to catch you. He slowed to a jog as he got closer to you, then a purposeful walk. “Yixing? Is something wrong?” You noticed the glistening in is eyes, a clear indicator of tears. Shit. Had something happened? Was Guiying ok?

He didn’t respond, he simply walked straight up to you and enveloped you in an embrace. He held you tightly for what felt like minutes, and you weren’t sure if you should be happy or sad. You had no indication for what this hug was for. When he pulled back you couldn’t wait any longer to get answers. “What happened? Why have you got tears in your eyes? Is he ok? Fuck, he was ok 10 minutes ago, what could have happe-”

You were cut off by Yixing’s finger touching your lips, shushing you. You looked from his hand on your lips up to his face, his expression unreadable. He leant in, pausing at the exact moment before his lips touched yours. Somehow you still had the brains to speak. “What are you-”

“Shut up and kiss me already.”

[peterpumpkinparker]

Shatter Me- Peter Parker x Starks Daughter! Reader

After the death of your father by the hands of Thanos, you are more than determined to risk everything to get the life you had before the Snap

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Hey lovelies! I’m so sorry it’s been so long since a story-I’ve just been so busy and hecktic with life! But hopefully I’ll be able to post more with summer vacation ☺️

Genre: Angst

Warning: mild cussing, some mentions of depression (not much, just some actions/ symptoms describe depression)

AU: Infinity War (but instead of Peter dying, Stark does)

Word Count: 2300

Also-sorry if this has wierd spacing, the mobile app of Tumblr is NOT enjoyable to use when trying to post a fic

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“Almost got it,” you mumbled, your mind completely overtaken on the task at hand. Your hands were sore and raw from working with the rough metal, the wires scratching your fingers, but you didn't cared.You didn’t care that you hadn’t eaten since yesterday. You didn’t care that you hadn’t talked to your friends, or your boyfriend Peter, in a month. You didn't care that you felt empty inside. That you had no life after what happened. That almost everything you loved was gone. Just getting it all back was what mattered to you.

You worked tirelessly in your dad’s old workshop, the Iron Man suits and parts laid around like he had last left it. It was yours now- well, until you got him back. All of them back.

The metal arm you were working on was almost complete, the exoskeleton reflecting your tired face. The dark circles around your eyes made you turn away, hating the world for giving you this momentous pain that you had to fix. The remaining Avengers had told you countless times that if you ever needed help, that they were there for you, that if you needed anything all you had to do was give them a call and they would show up. But what you really needed was your father-nobody could give you that except the monster that took it away from you.

And you knew they wouldn't help you with your plan try to defeat Thanos- you knew it was suicide to go on your own to defeat him- but you had to to at least try.

You continued to tinker on, not noticing the worried boy in the doorway. Peter stared at your arched back, your exhausted face, and wondered how he was going to even talk to you. Even though you and Peter were dating, you haven't called or seen him in weeks, and he just thought that maybe you were dealing with stuff beyond his control. Everyone mourns differently, he was dealing with it himself, but- he didnt realize it was this bad when Cap called him in. Now as he looked at you, he felt like he was staring at stranger; the snarky, smiling girl he once knew was seemingly lost in the ocean of grief she was quietly drowning in.

He knocked on the glass door, leaning on his shoulder to make it seem he was relaxed, but the clench in his jaw said otherwise.

Your head shot up, annoyance first riddled in you- but instantly disappearing once you realized Peter was the one that broke your concentration.

You brushed your hair out of the way, realizing you haven't washed it in a while.

“Hey,” you greeted aloud, your voice crackling a little from not using it in a while.

“Hey,” Peter repeated back. An awkward silence filled the room as you fumbled to tie up your hair in a quick bun. “Mind if I sit?” he asked, wondering how long you had been in here.

You shrugged your shoulders, and tried avoiding his gaze by inspecting a little bolt next to you.

Peter pulled up a chair next to you. “How are you holding up?” he asked, his voice laced with concern.

You shrugged again. Saying too much would make him scared- too little would do the same thing. “Not amazing,” you sighed, “but nobody really is after what happened.”

Peter stared down at his hands. “That's true.”

Another awkward pause filled the air. You hated this. All of this. Everything was going great before- you and Peter had just started dating, and you guys had the best relationship ever. Stark was completely fine with it, even though he acted like he was super protective, you being his daughter. You guys were inseparable, always together, always able to tell each other anything and everything. Now, you couldn't even look at each other without feeling awkward, without feeling like you were back to Square 1. Everything just seemed so backward and messed up now, it was hard to wrap your head around fixing it. But you had to.

You turned away from Peter, putting in the last few bits and pieces into the metal arm. It was a crude weapon, built off of one of the unfinished inventions of your dad’s.

Peter began to look around the room, the awkwardness making him worry more. You used to be so bubbly and full of life, but now you had drawn into yourself, a shell of who you were. Peter didn't know how to bring you back out.

He looked around the workshop, noticing the disarray. There were objects everywhere, broken parts scattered on the floor, a makeshift bed in the corner, notes and paper strewn on different tables. He passed a desk, noticing the writing on the paper as yours. He picked it up, glancing up to see if you were watching. You were so intent in your thoughts, you didn't even notice Peter’s body leaving your side. He tentatively looked back at paper and at the words, the gibberious making him confused- all it talked about was about some weapon and the parts it needed. He turned the page, watching again to see if you were paying attention to him sneaking in your belongings before he looked. Once Peter finally looked down, he felt his heart sink- you had drafted up a replica of an Iron Man suit, with notes on the side for space travel. He looked at the notes in confusion, wondering why you would be go into space, until it hit him- your quiet moodiness, your concentration for building, your absence in any type of life outside you dad’s workshop. He realized you wanted revenge on your dad’s death.

He looked around, his heart beating frantically. Being Stark’s daughter, you were incredibly smart, so he didn't put it past you to make an Iron Man Suit, no less finish it in a month. He set down the paper as if it were a bomb about to ignite, and turned around, trying to see if you had finished the suit and left it somewhere. He had to see it for himself-he couldn’t believe that you would risk yourself so dangerously like this.

He began to walk again, looking for anything that resembled your drawing, until he came upon a tall object draped over with a brown tarp in a dimly light part of the workshop.

You looked up, the sound of Peter’s footsteps beginning to echo, which made your nerves tingle in annoyance. You loved Peter, you truly did, but right now, he was ruining valuable progress and wasting precious time. You watched him walk around the lab. You hoped that he didn’t realize what you were planning, and you lied to yourself that he didn’t. But deep down, you knew your deep connection with him was still there-he figured it all out before you even said a word.

You kept watching him, sadness turning into horror as you helplessly sat and watched as he raised a corner of the tarp-the tarp that hide your massive plan-and began to yell at him to stop. Instead, he ripped it off to reveal what you had been working on- a crude version of a Iron Man suit.

“Holy crap,” Peter breathed out in shock, his eyes wide as he looked at your guilty face.

He looked between you and the suit. “Did you…?” he asked hesitantly, pointing at it.

“I didn't exactly build it,” you said, answering his question sheeplessly. “They’re pieces of my Dad’s suits that he never really finished. I just pieced them together to make,” you raised your hand at your creation, “this.” Your hand came down, slapping your outer thigh,the sound ringing in the silence as Peter gawked and you sat back wearily,waiting for his reaction.

He swallowed, looking back at your creation. “So does it really work like an Iron Man suit?” He didn't want to ask you straight out your plans, because he didn't want you getting angry at him for snooping in your things. But leading you to saying it sounded a little better than being blunt at that moment.

“I dont know for sure,” you explained, your hands shaking, “but it should. I've learned enough from my dad just watching him make his suits. It took me forever though, and it's definitely not like his suits- its not as sturdy, but it should be okay if the power source is not tampered with. If thats broken,” you laughed sarcastically, “all hell breaks loose in it.”

“How do you know that?” he asked curiously, his arms folding in front of them stiffly.

“Well,” you smiled a little, “ I tried to readjust the router through the chest on time- thats were it at- and I got shot across the room like a rag doll.”

You two laughed, it being a little forced, but the air felt so strange that any type of dry humor was appreciated. You guys felt like total strangers, yet you knew each other’s secrets- Peter being a superhero, you at the moment, building a massively technological machine under cover for the past month.

But after the little bit of light heartedness it went back to tension and awkwardness.

Peter stuffed his hands into his pockets. “This is really- intuitive- and amazing y/n,” he smiled with concern, “but why?”

You sighed, dreading the question you knew he would ask. You looked down into your lap, rubbing the red mark on your thigh.

“My father died Peter. And almost everyone he knew, and I knew, are gone.Nobody has tried to do anything. Everyone's giving up. And nobody wants to try to fix this mess except me. So this is how I'm going to fix it”

Peter listened to you, scared at what you said. He was hoping that maybe this was a joke, that you werent really planning to go out and get revenge, but you were. Peter stared at you, trying to read your emotions. He had never seen you like this- so low yet so determined at the same time- and he was worried for you. terrified.

“What are you planning y/n?” he asked, his brown eyes boring into yours.

You looked back at your work table. “Nothing, Peter.”

‘Its doesnt look like nothing, though.”

“It's nothing.” you said with force, frustration spilling out.

“If you don't tell me y/n, Im going to tell the Avengers.”

“Like they care!” you spat angrily at him. “Like they ever cared! Ive been down here for God knows how long, trying to get back the life I had, trying to fix everything, and they havent done jack shit”

You knew everything you were saying was false and wrong. Natasha had been the one bringing you food and made you the make shift bed you sleep and eat in. Steve came to ask if you needed to talk every Friday without fail. Rhodey gave you the news that your father died, and gave Peoper and you his mask-and hugged you as you cried from the shock of losing your father. They did care and they were trying-it just felt good to yell at something, anything. You were angry that you didn’t have your father, and you were impatient for everything to be back as it was.

You shook your head, anger raditating off your body.

“Absolutely nothing! they haven't figured out a damn plan either. And if they had, they haven't let me in the loop.”

“Y/n their going to fix this,” Peter tried to reason.

“No. I'm going to fix this.”

Peter stared at you in disbelief, not really knowing you anymore. You were never this lost in your own head. He understood you were going through a lot of pain, but going after Thanos was usicide.

Peter stared at the contraption, contemplating what to do.

“Nobody has thought of a new plan,” you continued, “it's time for a change. Im sick of waking up every morning, and realizing everyone is gone. Im sick of waking up and feeling guilty- Like I couldve done something.”

“ I shouldve done something.” you said, almost saying it to yourself.

Peter felt empathy swarming his body. How could he tell you he felt the same way?

“But, y/n- you couldn't have done anything that day. None of us could- we all tried our best.”

“Really?” you countered angrily. “I did shit- I literally stayed home and watch my dad fly onto that weird spaceship. I watched you leave. Did I leave? No. You know why?

Tears began to brim in your eyes, your lids binking rapidly to hold them back.

“You know why?” you repeated, your tone getting smaller as your voice cracked, “because I was scared. You breathed out heavily, letting that new realization hit you like a ton of bricks. You didn’t want to admit this to yourself, but it was true to you. The day Thanos and his warriors came, you stayed back. The one time your dad yelled at you to stay back, you listened. You never listened to your dad-you always were the first to fly in and help save the day. But the one time your dad truly needed you, the one time the whole universe needed help, you didn’t do that. Seeing those aliens and that ships freaked you out- you were terrified you’d actually lose your life that time. And because of that, you didn’t die-but your dad was gone. You worked tirelessly every day to keep that evil secret away from your mind because it was too hard to come face to face with-now you had to work to fix that fatal mistake.

“I was scared because I had no idea what to do. I wanted to help, but I was too selfish about my own safety. I could have grabbed one of my Dads suits. I couldve flew up there with you guys. I could've helped. But I didn't.”

You looked up shaking your head, your lips pursed as you tred to will your body to hold back the tears.

Peter walked to you, his arms open and welcoming, but his expression full of pain. Every day he felt the same pain- that he could’ve done something more to save everyone he loved. It was the worst pain he ever felt in his life- it ate his insides, anytime it was quiet, anytime he allowed himself to relax; that guilt and sorrow and hate for his actions at that time ate his insides until he felt like screaming. Some days were better than others, and he'd been learning to cope with it. But he just never realized you were dealing with the same thing. And so much of it.

You looked at Peter, your lips quivering as a single tear spilled onto your cheeks. You looked down at your hands, terrified that talking more to Peter would make you break down. You had broken down so much in the last month that you thought that one more would destroy you.

Peter knelt down, eye level to you, sweeping the hair out of your face that was curtaining off your tear stained cheeks.

“Its okay, y/n,” peter said softly, “Youre okay.”

You looked up, your eyes full of pain. You shook your head, chuckling sarcastically as your smile quivered.

“Im not,” you whispered out of your throat, your voice tight with the effort of keeping yourself together. To not cry. To not show that life was really messing you up right now.

Peter wrapped his arms around you, the purity of the embrace and the warmth of his body making your shoulders shudder harder, your hiccups louder, your heart hurt more and less at the same time as you wrapped your arms around him. The waves of tears wracked your body,one after aother, the pain making you hurt. You grabbed the back of his shirt, the fabric balled up into your fist as you let all your emotions leave your body.

‘Its okay y/n,” Peter whispered, his voice low and soothing, “eveyrthing’s going to be okay. I know you wont believe me right now, but- youre going to be okay.”

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Requests open! If you’d like, Check the blurb list and send me a # and I’ll do your request as soon as possible!

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Taggings:

@accioparker @fratboievans @grandmascottlang @gayuwuenergy @flying-roomba @galaxy-parker @hollandroos @honeymoonparker @hazsterfield @itsholyholland @jupiterparker @naturallytom @revengingbarnes @starksparker @underoosstark @uglypastels @underoos-shield @petersshirts

If you want to tagged, please msg me! I’m happy to tag you in all future fics!

@just4muggles

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Happy a great night (or day) lovelies! I’ll see you in the next fic ❤️

[races-erster]

snowed in (race x reader)

Requested: yep! by anon

Word Count: 1705

Warnings: none

A/n: Happy early Valentine’s Day guys!! I’m posting this fic a day early because I have another valentines fic for tomorrow! I hope you all like it!

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—

Valentine’s Day was the most romantic day of the year for you and Race. You two would always get in your nicest clothing and go to a fancy restaurant somewhere in the city. The only difference was that this year you were living together in your new home upstate.

—

You were busy getting ready when Race came into the room. He had a look of panic mixed with worry.

“Race, what’s the matter?”

“Have you looked at the weather or outside our window lately?” He said, strangely calm despite how he looked.

“No. Why?”

“Come on,” he said, grabbing your hand and pulling you towards the front door. “Can you get that to open?”

You turned the handle and pushed the door out towards your porch, but nothing was happening. The harder you pushed and pushed, the less you were able to get the door to move.

“There’s about a foot of snow out there. Apparently, the rain that was supposed to come tomorrow decided to come today and turned into snow.”

“You mean we’re stuck in here?” You groaned. You rested your head on Race’s shoulder and he wrapped his arms around you.

“Yeah, baby. I don’t know when we’ll get out, but I know it won’t be tonight.”

“God, I just can’t believe this. It’s the most romantic night of the year and we’re stuck here. I can’t believe we’re snowed in,” you groaned once more.

Race pulled back in order to look at you, “Hey, I know. But we’ll still have just as much fun as we would have if we had gone out. I’ll tell you what. I’ll cook us dinner, which will the candlelit of course, we’ll watch movies, exchange gifts, and do absolutely anything we can think of. Okay? How’s that sound?”

“Absolutely amazing,” you sighed as you laid your head back on his shoulder. “I love you, Race.”

“I love you too. Now, why don’t you choose a movie and I’ll get started making dinner. It shouldn’t take long.”

You nodded and head over to the couch while Race started to cook. You scrolled aimlessly through Netflix. By the time Race joined you again, you decided on the long list of Disney movies, starting with Mulan. You settled into Races side and decided you were much happier in that moment than you ever had been.

—

By the time the movie was over, dinner was ready, and Race was rushing you into your dining room. When you walked in, you saw the table littered with candles and your meals already on the table.

“Race this is incredible,” you said, turning to face him.

“Thanks, Y/n.”

Race led you over to your chair and pushed it in for you once you were seated. He then sat down and took your hand from across the table.

“Baby, do you want to do presents now or after?” He asked, rubbing circles on the back of your hand.

“Now. I can’t wait for you to see what I got you!”

“Okay, just give me one second.”

Race left the room and returned with a small box and a giant stuffed bear in his arms. He sat the bear down next to you and handed you the box. Inside, there was a small sterling silver pendant necklace with your first initial on the chain.

“Race, this is gorgeous. Thank you!”

“You’re welcome, baby.”

After the opening of your gifts were complete. You went into the kitchen to grab his present. You entered with another item in a box, although this one was larger than the last.

Race opened in, and inside saw a new watch that had both of your initials inscribed on the back along with the word ‘Forever.’

“Thanks Y/n. It’s great.”

“You’re welcome.”

—

The rest of the dinner went by, and was filled with the sounder of laughter and conversation. Afterwards, you both found yourselves back on the couch, holding one another, while another Disney movie played.

“Hey, Y/n,” Race started. “You know what would be fun?” He continued after you gave him a puzzled look. “We should build a blanket fort and stay in it for the rest of forever.”

“Okay! I don’t know if I can do the rest of forever since we both have jobs, but I’ll see what I can do,” you teased.

Race’s face lit up like a child’s on Christmas Day and went to the closet where all the extra blankets and pillows were stored.

“Racer, I think I may go take a shower and change into something more comfortable, so you can start the fort and I’ll help finish it,” you said.

“Okay! I’m probably going to change to. Don’t be too long okay,” he said, kissing you lovingly.

“Okay.”

—

By the time you were out of the shower and had changed, Race was nowhere to be found. You checked almost every room in the house, but there was no trace of him.

“Y/n, I’m in the guest bedroom if you’re looking for me!” Race called out.

You wondered how big the fort must have been for it to be in the one room that had yet to have furniture.

You walked into the room and were amazed at what you saw. The fort was about as tall as your couch and as long as your mattress. Although, there was still no sign of Race.

“Y/n, are you in here? I set up the blanket fort!” Race called from inside.

“Yeah, I see that,” you replied going near what you presumed the entrance of the for to be. “Can I come in, or no?”

“The password to get in is three words.”

That was typical. Leave it to Race to make something into a game. You knew what it was. It was the same every time, but there was no fun in guessing straight away. Humoring him was the better option.

“Um, let’s see. Is ‘let me in’ the password?”

“Not even close. Try again,” Race crooned.

“Will you at least give me a hint? What’s the first word?”

“The first word is I.”

“Okay then. Is the password ‘I want in’?” you guessed again trying to hide that fact that you were messing with him.

“Wrong again. I’ll give you another hint: the second word starts with L.”

“Okay, is it ‘I like forts’?”

That guess made you both laugh. It was such a ridiculous answer to a game that was really simple.

“Based on you laughing, I’m gonna go with no. Is it ‘I like you’?”

“You’re getting warmer. That guess was much better than ‘I like forts’,” Race mocked.

“Haha. Very funny. Is it ‘I love you’?”

Race’s head popped out from in between the blankets, “Bingo.”

You started to go into the blanket fort, but Race stopped you again.

“There’s one more thing you have to do before you go in,” he said.

“And what would that be?”

“Kiss me.”

You leaned in and kissed his cheek.

“Not what I meant,” Race said, shaking his head.

Okay what about if I kissed you here?” You said, kissing his jaw.

You then proceeded to kiss the side of his head, his nose, and the corner of his mouth. Each time he told you you were wrong.

“What about here?” You asked one final time before connecting your lips with his. You started to pull away, but he pulled you back to him.

“Perfect.”

Once he decided to finally let you into the fort, you were pretty surprised. He had taken all of your old white twinkle lights and put them all around the inside of the fort.

“So,” he started, pulling you toward him, “what do you think of our fort? Are the lights too much?”

“Race, it’s perfect. And the lights are kinda cheesy, but the good kind of cheesy.”

“Good. So, here’s what I think we should do. I think you should come here and let me hold onto you, then we can talk and just be glad we’re with one another. But first,” he turned around and grabbed a small cardboard box from behind him, “phone in the box.”

“Really?”

“Really. There should be no distractions in the blanket castle.”

“Okay. Just let me turn it off so there really are no distractions,” you said, handing him your phone once it was fully shut off.

“Good. Now come here,” he said holding his arms out toward you.

You moved closer to him, and he pulled you up into his lap. He wrapped his arms securely around your waist, just as he had earlier that night, and you put your head on the crook of his neck.

—

After some time of sitting in silence enjoying one another’s company, you said, “This is the best Valentine’s Day I’ve ever had. Thank you, Race.”

“You’re welcome, baby. I wouldn’t of had this night any other way.”

Race kissed your head and eventually, you felt yourself drifting off to sleep in his arms. He moved so you were both lying down, with you fully on top of him, so you were able to rest.

Not long after you both moved, you fell asleep.

—

You had been completely asleep when he checked to make sure his final gift for you was still in his pocket. He moved one arm from around you to reach into his hoodie pocket when you started to stir. He froze until he knew you were peaceful again and pulled out another small box.

He opened it, and inside was a small ring that he couldn’t wait to put on your finger. He admired the large diamond in the center of the ring and the smaller ones that surrounded it. He could only imagine how well it would look with you wearing it.

He was planning on asking you tonight at the place you first met, but the sudden blizzard put a wrench in his plans. He would find the perfect time though. He just had to.

It would be a symbol for something he had said earlier in the night. The ring would be to show that you two would be together for the rest of forever.

—

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Try, Try Again (pt. 6)

Good news! I’m finally done being murdered by schoolwork and can actually post stuff again! I’ve got a few good ideas for other stuff, but in the meanwhile, here’s some more fanfic :p 

Chapter 6 (4537 words)

The first rays of sunlight trickled over the horizon, streaking the sky with the same orange glow as the desert sands below. Disturbed by the light, Rex sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Commotion had already begun in the street below, and he could see more than a few early birds up and about their morning errands.

With a deep yawn, Rex stretched, arching his arms above himself and working out the stiffness left in his spine from having slept on the hard floor. As he did, he felt the tell-tale buzz of Emmet’s cell phone vibrating in his pocket. Curious, he pulled the device out, inspecting the bright screen.

hey emmet, a new text notification read. b@man moved the meeting to his place

again

we can still head over together tho

meet u @ larry’s?

Rex grimaced as he thumbed through the messages. If he was the sort of guy that felt regrets, he would definitely regret having told Lucy yesterday that we would meet up with her this morning. But, obviously, he had no such regrets. If any cowardly portion of his mind was shying away from the idea of seeing her and the others again, of being treated like some goody-two-shoes again, then Rex would just have to ignore that part until it shut up and went away.

Unfortunately, it was starting to look like that part of himself wasn’t planning on shutting up anytime soon.

Pulling his knees up to his chest, Rex rested his chin on top of them and tried to reason with himself. Meeting with Lucy was a strategic decision; it was as important to his disguise as the construction worker outfit and the yellow paint on his face. If he truly wanted to keep up his facade, that meant continuing to be Lucy’s Special Best Friend.

Of course, Rex thought, scowling to himself. I might not have to pretend forever.

Once Emmet was done with his training, once he was Rex as well, the odds were high that he’d see Lucy and the others the same way Rex currently did. Therefore, if Rex were to break things off with Lucy, it would likely benefit himself in the long run.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

A tinny, beeping noise emanated from Rex’s pocket, shaking him out of his thoughts. He reached for his cell phone again, only to realize that the device was still resting inertly in his palm. Tucking the phone back into his pocket, he pulled out the sleek black radio that he had taken from the Rexcelsior. The device continued to beep and blink at him, indicating an incoming call.

“Emmet?” Rex asked hesitantly, as he pressed the button on the side of the device.

“Rex!” Emmet’s voice came through the speaker clearly. “You’re there! How are you?”

“Uh,” Rex paused, casting a look down towards the people meandering in the streets below. “I’m super awesome, little buddy. How are you holding up?”

“I’m awesome too! I’ve been doing a lot of push ups, though. Snake says they’re the toughest form of exercise.”

“Yeah,” Rex chuckled. “That sounds like her. Have you all started your mission then?”

“Yep!” Emmet squealed loudly enough to elicit a sharp shriek of feedback from the radio. “The mission is going really well! I was all like, ‘Oh my gosh, why did I think I could do this? We’re all going to die out here!’. But then, we totally didn’t!”

Rex smiled, listening to Emmet regale him with the entire story of his adventure - sound effects included. He tried to pay attention, but couldn’t help but get distracted by the small part of himself was was quietly thrilled at how far Emmet had already come.

He had been hesitant to send Emmet through the glastroid field so early in the training process, especially considering Rex’s personal history with the area, but he had faith in Emmet and his raptors.

Clearly, his faith had paid off.

Clearly, the plan was working.

Rex had let himself get distracted. His goal wasn’t to have a good time in Apocalypseburg. It was to keep an eye on Lucy and make sure that neither she nor anyone else interfered with Emmet’s training. He had let his emotions run wild and, if he continued to do so, then he would never be able to complete his half of the plan. He would fail to protect the one person he cared about.

Emmet was still chattering in his ear, but Rex had long stopped listening. He just had to stay focused on playing his part. If he didn’t - if Lucy and the others undid all of Emmet’s training as soon as he got back, like had happened before when Lucy found them in Undar - then Rex would have to start all over, again.

Yesterday had proven that this was going to be an uphill battle, but Rex had been in situations far, far more hopeless before. He was prepared to tough it out.

“Rex?” Emmet’s inquisitive tone grabbed Rex’s attention.

“Uh,” Rex’s brow furrowed as he tried in vain to recall what Emmet had just been saying. “What is it, buddy?”

“I have to go now. We’re having a mission briefing, and they need their captain.” Emmet couldn’t help but giggle at the thought of that title applying to him.

“Alright kid, keep up the good work.” Rex held the radio in his hand, listening to it spit static for a moment before falling silent as he finally released the side-button. Slipping the device back into his pocket, he pushed himself to his feet and started pacing.

He had to do something to show everyone that he meant business, but what?

His hair was still messy from last night, which was a good start. With a practiced motion, Rex brushed the disheveled mess into his signature hair style.

Next, he clutched at the fabric of his shirt sleeve. Ripping them off would look pretty tough, as they were currently hiding his sick muscles from an unsuspecting world, but would such a drastic change strike the others as particularly un-Emmet-like? Uncertain, Rex settled for sloppily rolling the sleeves halfway up his arms.

Satisfied, he took off down the statue, heading into the city. It had been years since he had walked to Larry’s coffee shop, and yet his feet carried him there as easily as if he’d gone only yesterday.

As he entered, Larry turned and met him with an achingly familiar derisive scowl. As Rex scanned the crowd, the other patrons all shot equally scornful stares in his direction. Unperturbed by their reactions, Rex found himself with a more pressing concern.

Lucy wasn’t here.

With a frown, he pulled out his phone to double-check the messages she had sent. As the screen blinked to life, Rex suddenly realized his mistake.

He was late.

He was really, really late.

He had been so distracted during Emmet’s call earlier, he had completely lost track of time. Lucy must have left already. The meeting with their Master Builder friends had likely already started as well.

Rex hissed a word under his breath - one which cannot in good conscious be included in a PG story - and bolted back out the door.

*******************

Approximately ten minutes later, Rex hauled himself up the stairs in front of the former Wayne Manor and, with a grunt of exertion, rapped on the front door with the intricate and incredibly heavy, bat-shaped knocker. A moment past before Batman’s butler swung the door open.

“Master Emmet,” he said with a slight bow. “Please follow me to the drawing room.”

With a nod, Rex stepped through the doorway and proceeded to follow Alfred through the maze-like halls of the cavernous mansion. As they approached a particularly tall, stately looking door, the sounds of muffled voices grew louder and louder.

“Through here sir,” Alfred gestured towards the door before turning neatly on his heel and walking off in the direction they had come from.

Rex watched him leave. Once the butler was out of sight, he turned back to the door, pressing an ear against the cold wood and listening intently to the conversation on the other side.

“I don’t understand why you all voted against the giant steel dome.” Batman’s characteristic deep growl was difficult to make out. “It’s clearly the best and coolest option.”

“Batman,” Lucy responded, her voice strained with exasperation. “I am not going to explain again why blocking out the sun is a bad idea.”

“Sunlight is overrated.”

They’re arguing over how to prevent another alien attack, Rex thought, chuckling to himself. No one in that room had any idea how very relevant those concerns would become before the week was out.

“Maybe we should go over the blockade idea again.” Benny interjected.

“Yar, I be agreeing most with that sentiment.” Metalbeard’s loud voice was unmistakable. “Blockading yon Stairgate is quite clearly a better idea than anything this be-caped fool has suggested.”

Rex grimaced. Space was awful big, but if they started poking around the Stairgate then Emmet and the Rexcelsior could be in trouble. He needed to convince them to drop the idea, but as things currently stood, they would likely ignore whatever suggestions he made. However, if he could just show them how tough he was, then they’d have to take his advice. Determined, he pushed the door open.

“Hey guys, sorry I’m late.” Rex stepped into the room, watching as everyone’s heads swiveled at the the sound of his voice.

“Emmet!” Lucy exclaimed. “I, uh, I thought maybe you just weren’t coming today.”

“Nah,” Rex waved a hand dismissively. “I wouldn’t miss something as important as this.” With a grin and a cocky laugh, he pulled out a chair and flopped into the seat. “After all,” he continued smugly. “You guys clearly need my help.”

The other figures around the table exchanged confused glances.

“Right,” Batman huffed. “We heard you’re tough now, or whatever.” He was seated at the end of the long table, opposite from Rex and directly underneath a large oil painting of himself, whose expression of disbelief perfectly matched his own. At the sound of his voice, Rex bristled involuntarily.

“Well,” Rex forced himself to continue smiling cheerfully. “I’m certainly getting there!”

“Emmet,” Lucy, seated to his left, interrupted. “Are you wearing your hair differently?”

“Oh,” Rex reached up towards his hair absentmindedly. “Yeah, I thought it looked tougher this way.”

“That it does, matey.” Metalbeard piped up. Benny, sitting beside him, nodded in agreement.

“I like it,” Lucy added. “It kind of suits you.”

Rex’s grin softened into something genuine.

“Uhhh…” Batman tilted back in his chair until he was almost parallel with the floor. “Newsflash, but changing your hair doesn’t automatically make you tough, bro.”

“Yeah,” Lucy laughed nervously. “Of- of course it doesn’t… Um, for a totally unrelated reason, I have to leave right now.” Hastily, she stood up, pushing herself away from the table and exiting the room in the direction of the bathroom.

Rex watched her leave, his expression growing taut. “That’s not the only thing that’s changed, you know.”.

“No, yeah, totally,” Batman responded facetiously. “I did notice the whole… sleeve thing you’ve got going on, and that’s just super tough.” He paused briefly. “Also, you can’t tell, but I’m totally rolling my eyes right now.”

Rex felt his fists clench at his sides. Deliberately, he forced himself to take deep breaths.

“Maybe someday,” Batman continued, “you might even be tough enough to patrol the wasteland all on your own. Of course, maybe not, considering that I’m the only one currently tough enough to do that.”

Rex laughed, a burst of manic energy erupting from him. “Well, maybe someday!”

“Well,” Batman scowled, “maybe not.”

“But maybe!”

“But maybe not.”

“I am very uncomfortable with the atmosphere we’ve created in this room.” Benny said, mostly to himself, as no one happened to be listening to him.

Beside him, Metalbeard scoffed. With a cacophony of metallic squeaks and squeals, he maneuvered his prosthetic body such that it leaned over the table conspiratorially.

“I dunno why the two of ye be bothering to argue about toughness,” he mused, “when neither of ye be tough enough to seek out Lord Business’s lost treasure vault.”

Rex gaped at him. “Lost treasure vault?”

“Of course!” Metalbeard clambered onto the table, posing dramatically in the center. “When me crew and I first infiltrated that landlubber’s treacherous office tower, we stumbled across a vast chamber housing his most powerful relics - mysterious and terrible things, the lot ‘em.”

“His relic room?” Rex frowned. “But, we've been there before.”

“We found but one room of many,” Metalbeard insisted. “The powerful relics, the dangerous relics, be kept much, much deeper in yon tower.”

“Rumor has it,” he continued, “that some poor fool tried to find this vault, claiming that the relics belonged in a museum, only to instead find himself flattened by none other than the dreaded Orb of Tee-ti-lus!”

Benny gasped. “That’s horrible!”

“Aye,” Metalbeard assented. “That’s why I'll be sure to avoid his careless mistakes once I get me body working again and can seek out this treasure on me own.”

Batman said something about that, but Rex didn't hear it over the sound of gears turning inside his head. If he could find Lord Business’s vault, break in, and steal a relic, then these idiots would have no choice but acknowledge how tough he truly was.

“I can do it,” he said to no one is particular, before pushing out his chair and briskly walking out of the room.

“Uh,” Metalbeard watched him leave, his mouth agape.

“Well, that's… not good.” Batman stared at the closing door.

“Let's get Lucy?” Benny asked.

Batman nodded. “Let's get Lucy.”

*******************

“I can't believe you guys would just let him run off like that!” Lucy, sat in the passenger seat of another of Batman's cars, twisted herself to glare backwards towards the other passengers, who for the most part, had the decently to look properly chastised. As they sped across across the rough terrain, the vehicle jostled violently underneath them, forcing Lucy to hold tight to her armrests in order to maintain her position and fierce scowl.

“Has he not undergone a be-toughening, though?” Metalbeard asked from where he'd been crammed into the backseat. “Is he not tougher now?”

“He's a little tougher, but…” Her scowl softened, revealing a fraction of the worry she really felt. “Come on guys, this is still Emmet we're talking about. Do you really think one day is going to make much of a difference if five years didn't?”

“I hope he's okay.” Benny mumbled, squashed somewhere underneath Metalbeard.

“You guys worry too much,” Batman interjected. “We're all, like, superheros. Obvis, we'll save him.”

He reached over towards the dashboard, cranking up the music in order to drown out the others’ voices. If any of them noticed how his own grip on the steering wheel was deathly tight or how concern was etched into the brow of his cowl, they didn't mention it.

Outside of the car, the wasteland rushed by. Recognizing their need for speed, the group had elected to take the Bat Racer - the fastest custom vehicle in Batman's arsenal. The twin rocket engines on the back were howling furiously, propelling them nearly fast enough to turn the sand to glass underneath them.

In the distance, surrounded by the remnants of other fractured buildings, the imposing silhouette of Octan Tower grew steadily closer. Despite having been ravaged by aliens for years, it was still the tallest building in what remained of Bricksburg. As such, it was not particularly hard to find.

Upon arriving at the base of the tower and clamoring out of the car, Lucy and the others surveyed the area around the building, searching for any signs of Emmet.

“Emmet!” Lucy shouted, cupping her hands around her mouth. “Emmet, are you out here?” She paced nervously in front of the main entrance, worry gnawing at her gut.

“Avast!” Metalbeard exclaimed from around the corner of the building. At the sound of his voice, Lucy ran over to see him gesturing toward the twisted remains of some kind of motorcycle.  

“Is that Emmet’s?” Benny asked, floating closer towards the wreck.

“Yar, most likely,” Metalbeard nodded. “The engine still be hot.”

Lucy felt dizzy. “But if this is here, then where is Emmet?”

“Look,” Batman said, pointing towards the building. “There are tire tracks on the windows.”

“You be thinking he done rode up vertically?” Metalbeard asked, stroking his chin thoughtfully with a metallic claw.

Tracing the tracks upwards, they could see a freshly broken away section of the building - a gaping hole in the glass with fragments of debris still flaking off and falling away.

“Okay,” Lucy said, breaking the tense silence. “Odds are that Emmet went in there. How can we-”

“On it,” Batman interrupted, lunging towards the Racer. With a trained Master Builder hand, he quickly stripped the vehicle apart, reassembling it into a sleek plane. “All aboard,” he barked, leaping into the cockpit. The other three followed him in, and with a tremendous roar the jet took off, streaking up the side of the skyscraper.

Elegantly, Batman piloted the jet through the hole in the side of the building, landing it in a clear enough spot for everyone to disembark.

Climbing out of the plane, they took a moment to look around. The room they were in was an utter disaster zone. Fragments of debris, miscellaneous office supplies, and the occasional robotic limb were littered around the room. A number of desks had been tipped over, and now laid on their side, surrounded by broken chunks of computer monitors and piles of official looking paperwork. In one corner, a beaten-up copier sat by itself, intermittently spitting out blank papers.  

Lucy moved away from the plane, shards of glass and wall crunching under her feet as she maneuvered around the larger pieces of debris. On her left, the room opened up into a narrow hallway. Above the entrance, a laminated sign read “Super-Ultra Top Secret Relics This Way”. Hanging slightly below it, a second sign read “Enter at Your Own Risk”.

Peering into the corridor, Lucy’s view was illuminated by the subtle red glow of laser grids. Beyond them, she could just barely see the rotating head of a sentry turret. Beyond that, there was only darkness and deeply concerning noises.

Unsettled, she turned away from the hallway, shifting her focus towards another worrisome aspect of the room - a giant hole that had been blasted out of the neighboring wall.

“Jeez,” Lucy breathed, stepping closer. “What could have caused that?”

On cue, Rex appeared in the mouth of the hole, holding some kind of large gray tube in his hands.

“Huh,” he looked at the others in surprise before smiling cheerfully. “Uh, hey guys. What’s up?”

“Emmet!” Lucy cried out as she ran up to him. She stopped just short of embracing him to cast a quizzical glance towards the object he held in his arms. “Uh…” She gestured vaguely towards the tube. “What exactly is that?”

“It be a powerful relic,” Metalbeard exclaimed in astonishment, striding towards Rex in order to examine the object more thoroughly.

“Really?” Benny floated closer as well. “But, uh, what actually is it?”

“Unless I be mistaken,” Metalbeard said reverently. “This be the Tape-estry of Ducks!”

Rex frowned. “That’s a stupid name. It doesn’t even have any ducks on it.”

“Me thinks it be a metaphor.” Metalbeard shrugged. “Regardless, legend says that anything ye stick onto its surface will remain stuck for all eternity!”

Lucy gasped. “Emmet! Are you sure you should you be holding that?”

“Relax Lucy,” Rex laughed. “I’ve got it covered.” Holding the tape up, he explained. “Only one side was sticky, so I just rolled it up a little. That way I only have to touch the safe side.”

“Ooh…” Benny nodded appreciably. “That’s super clever, Emmet.”

“Yeah, that’s cool or whatever,” Batman muttered. “Totally what I would have done, you know.”

“Wow Emmet,” Lucy pressed a hand to her temple, shaking her head in amazement. “You actually pulled it off. I’m…” She looked up at him, an apologetic smile playing on her lips. “I’m sorry I doubted you.”

Rex shrugged, struggling to keep his expression cavalier. “It, uh, it wasn't that big of a deal.”

"Not a big deal!?” Metalbeard exclaimed. “Mayhaps you hit your head, matey.” Plucking the relic from Rex’s hands, he carefully turned it over in his hands to admire it. “Any pirate worth their salt knows that whenever ye be laying your hands on some treasure, it be cause for a celebratory shindig!”

“Yeah!” Benny reached over, clapping Rex on the shoulder. “We haven’t had a party in ages, maybe it’ll be fun!”

Rex smiled as his friends started chattering away, eagerly planning a party. The expression sat easily on his face. This kind of reaction was much closer to what he’d been expecting. It almost felt nice, just being with his friends again.

*******************

Rex was loath to admit it, but the party turned out pretty cool. The music was intense and loud, the floor was already sticky with spilled drinks, and the whole place stank of sweat and body spray. It wasn't necessarily a fun party, but it was definitely a cool one.

Given the number of people attending, they'd been forced to use the Bat Fortress, as it was the largest available space in Apocalypseburg. However, considering Batman's infatuation with high-end speakers, as well as his recent installation of a snazzy new lighting rig, the fortress was actually a top notch choice for a party venue.

Despite its enormity however, the place still managed to feel claustrophobic. Swarms of people, crushingly close to each other, moved across the dance floor in seemingly random patterns.

In the center of the giant room, raised on a makeshift pedestal, was the relic. The Tape-estry was still rolled up for safety, a wise decision considering that a number of fights had already broken out on the dance floor.

Above all the ruckus, smaller groups sat on the suspended catwalks, talking amongst themselves and generally seeming above it all. Among them sat Lucy, another passive observer of the chaos below.  

Batman, the self-appointed DJ, put on another song. It was something loud and angry sounding, comprised of shouted vocals and industrial noise. It wasn't one that Rex had heard before, but he found himself enjoying it as he started making his way over to where Lucy was perched.

As he pushed through the crowd, people kept slapping him on the back, congratulating him and shouting banal phrases about how they'd always known he had it in him, or whatever. That bitter sense of resentment still simmered in his gut, but Rex couldn't deny that, at the same time, something like pride was slowly joining it. He'd finally gotten everyone to see him, see how tough he could be, see the person he was underneath Emmet's saccharine schtick.

There was one person that needed to see the new Emmet more than anyone else, one person that could undo all his hard work if she didn't. Lucy's opinion of Emmet could make or break Rex's entire plan.

It was for that reason, and that reason only, that Rex clambered up to her place on the catwalk.

"Pretty rad party, right?" He shouted as he approached.

"Yeah," Lucy turned at the sound of his voice. "It's uh, it's great, Emmet. Listen, I, uh..."

Her voice trailed off. Rex sat down beside her, watching her expression shift and grow thoughtful.

"I just..." Lucy scooted closer to him, pulling Rex into her arms. "I'm really glad that you're safe."

Stupefied, Rex wrapped his arms around her in return, pressing his palms against her jacket's velvety back.

"I'm proud of you." Her voice was barely above a whisper, but it didn't need to be any louder. Rex felt the words more than he heard them. He clutched at her like a drowning man, squeezing her tight against himself. The strains of discordant music faded into the background. He couldn't think of anything; for a moment, everything was just soft and warm and perfect.

Lucy patted him on the back, and instinctively he let go. It had been a sort of signal that the two had developed when it became clear that Emmet liked hugs a lot more than Lucy did. It wasn't to say that she didn't enjoy them, just that Emmet tended to hug longer than she was comfortable with.

Rex leaned back, out of her space. She was still smiling up at him, and distantly, Rex could feel a dopey grin mirrored on his own face.

She reached out to take his hand, slipping her fingers in between his own.

"I love you, Emmet."

"I love you t-"

Rex cut himself off with a sharp inhale, the sudden breath causing him to cough profusely.

"I just- I need a drink." Quickly, before she could protest, Rex shoved himself off the platform, dropping into the crowd below.

He didn't run to the drink table, electing instead to turn and race out a side door, out into the chill

evening. The brisk air felt nice, as his skin suddenly seemed entirely too hot and clammy. From behind him, he could hear Lucy's voice asking the other partygoers if they'd seen where he'd gone.

Rex snorted. Of course she was looking for him. Now that he was tough, she and the others actually wanted him around.

This was proof that Rex was doing the right thing. It was proof that Emmet had to change so that his friends wouldn't abandon him.

It was proof that Rex should have just listened when his friends had tried to toughen him up all those years ago.

It was proof that if he had just been tough, then they wouldn't have left him there.

Rex slumped down against the wall and pulled his knees up to his chest. He hadn't listened back then. He'd chosen to cling to childish naivety, chosen to do things the hard way. A cold but familiar voice in the back of his head whispered how, in the end, it had really been his own fault that he'd spent so long in Undar.

This was his own mistake to fix. But, it was at least a mistake that he knew how to fix. In less than a week now, he would finally be successful. When Emmet returned, toughened up and accepted by his friends, the mistakes of the past would disappear.

He would never admit it, but Rex was afraid of not existing. It was an uncomfortable idea to consider. Of course, as he routinely reminded himself, it wasn't like dying. He- Rex would still exist, just with a different backstory, a different set of memories.

In the end, that's what he wanted. After all, the only way for him to move on, to get over Undar, was to make sure that it never happened in the first place. Losing those memories would fix him. It would fix everything. It had to.

Until then, he just had to stick to the plan.  

[alpxcamin]

1K Prompt List

Once again, thank you guys so much for 1k followers! We both love you guys so much and thank you for supporting us despite our messy posting schedule and random hiatuses. Here’s the prompt list and feel free to create your own prompt. However, please don’t pick over 2 since both of us are quite busy. I linked the original post where I got the prompts from on #1 and #66.

Please only choose 2 and send it in with any member you would like and we’ll write a drabble for you. If you have any other questions, please do send them in and we’ll do our best to clarify!

"You're really soft."

"You smell nice."

"I'm here for my daily fix of hugs and kisses."

"Is it possible to love too much?"

"I don't wanna get up-- you're comfy."

"I will always be there protect you."

"I'm cold. Come closer."

"I love you a lot, but please stop trying to cook me dinner, you suck.”

"The stars look especially lovely tonight."

"I've never seen such gorgeous eyes before."

"May I have this dance?"

"I can't stop thinking about you."

"You'll never feel alone with me by your side."

"Let's get to know each other over dinner.

"All I want is you."

"I could never leave you, I love you too much!"

"A fairytale with a happy ending always brings a smile to my face."

"I want to hear you sing."

"I don't think anyone could ever be as lovely as you."

"You look incredible in that."

"He/She's quite stunning, isn't he/she?"

"Sometimes I just can't control myself when around you."

"Do you believe in love at first sight?"

"I think I'm in love."

"I’d like it if you stayed.”

"People are jerks, but not you."

"I'll share the blankets with you."

"I have never felt this way about anyone."

"Can I kiss you?"

"I waxed the floors, grab your fluffy socks."

"Who changed the thermostat settings? I’m freezing to death."

"Can we just watch a movie and fall asleep on the couch?"

"You can put your cold feet on me."

"Your stray red item turned my whites pink."

"A thunderstorm is rolling through town and you’re scared of lightning/thunder so I’ll protect you."

"There was a power outage and now we have to have dinner by candlelight."

"Rock Paper Scissors to see who has to go talk to the neighbors upstairs for being too loud."

"I just came home to you crying while watching a movie, please tell me what’s going on."

"Our AC is out and it’s the middle of the summer."

"You found me crying on the kitchen floor in the middle of the night surrounded by a shattered jelly jar."

"My parents are coming over in 10 minutes so please put some clothes on"

"We’re repainting the apartment and going to the hardware store together to pick out color swatches."

"IF YOU USE UP ALL THE HOT WATER ONE MORE TIME IM GOING TO BAN YOU TO THE COUCH FOR A MONTH."

"I caught the bouquet"

"My ex just invited me to their wedding and I need you to be my date so it doesn’t look like I’ve spent the last few years failing to get over them."

"We accidentally got married in Vegas oops"

"I’m really drunk, please help me get safely out of the way so I don’t ruin our friend’s wedding."

"I planned out this super romantic proposal and you just ruined it by beating me to the whole proposing thing."

"I wasn’t planning on asking you, but it appeared to me that life is short. Will you marry me?”

"If you shove cake in my face this will be the worst wedding night of your life."

"You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m so happy I can finally call you my wife/husband."

"I jokingly told you that the only way I’d marry you was if you did this weird outlandish thing, and you actually did it, and I’m kind of charmed."

"This is probably a bad time, but marry me?"

"We’ve become the clingy newlyweds you always complained about. "

"Your ‘miracle hangover cure’ couldn’t possibly beat mine."

"I know you haven’t had the best experience with dogs in the past but look at its face please please can we keep it?"

"I wanted to surprise you for our anniversary, but everything that could go wrong did go wrong."

"I beat you at Mario Kart and now you're banishing me to the couch for the night?”

"I surprised you with tickets to see our favorite band… WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU SURPRISED ME WITH TICKETS TO SEE THEM TOO?"

"I know we had a big fight but we still need to decorate the house for the holidays."

"Oh! Hey! Could you come and taste this to see if it's okay?"

"We’re arguing over book versus movie."

"I came home to a Nerf gun on the front porch and a note that says ‘Here is your weapon. I have one too. Loser cooks dinner. Good luck. Xo’"

"We’ve been celebrating our wedding anniversary on a wrong day for the past nine years."

"You had a business trip and I missed you so much that I kind of tore up the house in your absence like a dog with separation anxiety… sorry?"

"We both have nowhere else to be so we get to spend our rare day off at home."

"Aren't you going to say something?"

"And I thought I loved you."

"And I thought you loved me."

"Angry. I'm...I'm angry."

"Aren't you even going to cry?"

"Are you going to cry?"

"Are you crying?"

"Are you okay?"

"Ask if I'm okay. Just ask."

"And this is why I don't want to stay anymore."

"Are you angry with me?"

"Are you afraid?"

"And now is the part where we say goodbye."

"And now you're going to leave me!"

"Are you just going to leave me?"

"Be friends with someone else."

"Boy/Girlfriend? Is that what you thought I meant?"

"Because you're such an ass and I- I just hate you!"

"But I've changed."

"But you've changed."

"Buy yourself something nice. Because I don't want this ring."

"But.. you're still alive?"

"Can't you just let me be happy for one?!"

"Can't you be happy for once?

"Can't you just be happy for me?"

"Come on, leave already!"

"Coward. That's all you are. A coward."

"Do you even know what you've done to me?"

"Do you have any remorse? "

"Don't you dare close your eyes on me!"

"Don't you dare die."

"Don't you care about me/her/him/them anymore?"

" Don't give me that look"

"Don't you want me to be happy?"

"Dammit! Everything was just starting to get better and then you do this!"

"Damn you."

"Don't lie to me."

"Dammit...Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! You fucking ass!"

"Everything is fucked up now- everything is fucked because of you!"

"Everything's gone to hell."

"Everyone hates me."

"Everyone hates you."

"Everything hurts."

"Everything's going to be okay."

"Everyone loves you, not me."

"Everything is falling apart."

"Everything fell apart and I can't pick up the pieces anymore."

"For someone who's dying, you seem kind of happy."

"Friends forever, right? Isn't that what you said?"

"Find a new place to live."

"Find a new girlfriend/boyfriend."

"Find a new best friend."

"Fine. I'll leave."

"Forever and ever. That's how long I said I loved you. But you never said it back."

"Fucking hell, I hate you!"

"Get lost!"

"Get out of here!"

"Go. Just go."

"How are you still alive?"

"How long are you going to keep this up?"

"How long until you finally get lost?"

"How about I just leave."

"Hold up. You're breaking up with me?"

"Hell is the only place we're going to be going."

"How about you leave now?"

"Is this how you're going to treat me?"

"I can't believe you."

"I killed someone."

"I want to kill myself."

"I'm leaving you."

"I can't look at you right now."

"I hope you die!"

"I don't understand."

"I'm so angry/sad. But you don't care."

"I can't hear anything."

"I'm dying."

"I have cancer."

"I can't breathe."

"Just joking, I don't love you."

"Just leave me alone!"

"Just fuck off."

"Kindly get the hell away from me."

"Kind. That's the one thing you can never manage to be."

"Lie to me."

"Life is not worth living."

"Like I give a shit about you."

"Lies are all you're capable of."

"Lay down. It'll all be over soon."

"My heart is broken. "

"Everything hurts."

"My girlfriend/boyfriend left."

"My ____ is dead."

"Man, you're an asshole."

"My lies aren't working anymore."

"Never again."

"Never speak to me again."

"No. I won't do it."

"No, I don't like you like that."

"Now, now, is there really any reason to cry?"

"Now and again I really start to hate you."

"No. Stop crying, just stop it."

"Not how I wanted to spend my life."

"Never look at me again."

"People hate me/you.”

"Person? No, no. You're not a person. You're a robot."

"People like you sicken me."

"People like you deserve to die."

"Perhaps you should just leave, then."

"Piss off."

"Question: why are you still here?"

"Quiet. I'm getting sick of hearing your voice."

"Running away. That's what I'm doing."

"See? I hate you."

"See? You hate me."

"Sometimes I wonder why you stay with me."

"So...you hate me, then?"

"So this is how it ends."

"Shoot me."

"So why are you still here?"

"Took off with everything I had!"

"Time to go."

"This is the end. It's done."

"This is the end."

"This is why I hate you."

"Then why do you say you love me?!"

"Unlike you I have friends."

"Under the bed is where I have to hide from you."

"Utter it again and I swear I'll kill you!"

"Why can't you grow up?"

"Why can't you care about me?"

"Why do you hate me?"

"Why do I hate you?"

"What? You're dying?"

"Why can't you just be you."

"When am I supposed to get my time to be happy?'

"Well. This isn't how it was supposed to end between us."

"Whatever, you asshole."

"Whenever you decide you can stand to talk to me ago, please do."

"Well, I hate you now."

"Well, you hate me now."

[prkrearchive]

hey there demons! it me, sam ( she / her, 21, est timezone ) who also writes elvie the spooky nerd and i’m super excited to bring in an old fave muse of mine! i’ve had this IDIOT forever, but i’ve tried to revamp him a little to fit this lovely rp & i’ve given him a new fc! anyway, details are under the cut, so feel free to check those out & then message me @elvvce if you’d like to plot!

DISCLAIMER: this is a sideblog so i might post stuff to the wrong acc sometimes js

so, this guy right here…riley ignatius parker-warrington…will throw hands if you call him anything other than parker. it’s what everyone calls him. you gotta be really special to call him riley and not immediately get decked for it. tbh most people probably think parker is his first name anyway so! moving on

parker was born to a wealthy family in a small but affluent village called alderley edge in cheshire, england. he’s the youngest of four sons so he has three older brothers.

his family, the parker-warringtons ( known more commonly as the warringtons ) are stupid rich. it hurts me to think about it askdh. they’re basically the british rockefellers. parker’s great x6 granddad started the family business back a couple centuries ago and nowadays they’ve got their hands in everything from business to architecture to real estate to education to oil...they own a lot of stuff. the warrington building in downtown london was completely made up just now is basically the rockefeller center of the uk. 

the family drama has been highly publicized in the uk & europe for longer than anyone can remember at this point, but not as much in america. 

anyway, parker spent his early years sheltered and pampered and homeschooled by tutors and nannies bc his parents never had time for him but it’s whatever he got over it really early on in life.

parker’s always been a huge troublemaker with a restless nature so his wealthy, uptight, lowkey shady af parents who are obsessed with the family’s image could never really deal with him and eventually decided to just ship him off to boarding schools all over europe, just one after the other after the other bc he kept getting kicked out lmao.

about the only thing he enjoyed about his childhood and schooling were his music lessons. he was taught to play piano, violin, and even the harp. other things like math and history and science didn’t come easily to him at all, but music? he was great at it and he’s always loved it. during his teen years while away at boarding school was when he first procured an electric guitar and learned to play. along with that, he also discovered punk music, aka the greatest thing in the entire fucking universe if you ask him. far as music goes, he’d found his calling in his early teenage years.

at school he was basically that rebellious kid in all the movies who wore doc martens with his prim & proper school uniform and carried around a pocket knife and cut class to go smoke while vandalizing school property and would absolutely fuck up some prissy pretty boy’s face just for looking at him the wrong way.

literally the only reason he actually graduated rather than flunking out was because his father was able to pull some strings aka bought his very last boarding school a whole new library wing. parker did actually consider running away a few times, but there was a part of him really reaaaaally deep down that actually enjoyed some aspects of school ( though he very strongly believes many education systems across the world need a serious overhaul and blahblahblah don’t ask him unless you want a lecture ). anyway, the moment he was done with school, he did finally skip out on…well, everything and everyone and ditched the country altogether, heading out first to seattle washington, then to los angeles, california, and then he finally settled in new york city when he was twenty years old, meaning that he’s lived in nyc for the last three years!

started his band, rabid porcupine, right after moving to the city. they’re a punk band, popular among the subculture and virtually unknown to everyone else. parker is the lead vocalist, guitarist, songwriter, overall face of the band but don’t get it twisted he could never go solo his whole band is important to him.

his parents have threatened to cut him off & disinherit him about a billion times but will probably never actually do it even though they see him as a huge disgrace to the family name. they call sometimes but he never picks up. if anybody asks he’d probably say that he hates his family but he honestly doesn’t. i don’t think he’s capable of hate lmao. he doesn’t like them and he’d rather stay away from them bc he and his family just do not get along, but at the end of the end of the day, v deep down he has like….a teeny tiny molecule of affection for them even though his family is 100% genuinely awful people

lemme...stop? and just give you a few quick facts bc this is getting super long who’s even still reading this?

looks like he could kill you and could actually kill you

he hasn’t been home in like five years but he still has the heaviest most posh british accent you will ever hear in your life + he knows he’s fulfilling a stereotype here but he doesn’t care he fuckin loves tea

his three older brothers are named sebastian, nikolai, & rian. he doesn’t get along with any of them but he and rian he by far has the worst relationship with rian, his identical twin who’s a few minutes older. unlike most stereotypical twins they’ve literally never been in sync, have never gotten along and have probably beaten each other up before.

his family is big on modern day arranged marriages but you can miss parker with that bullshit he will date whoever he wants

that being said i think he’s probably...straight? idk tho & like who’s really straight anymore honestly

most people think that he’s a jerk bc he’s incredibly standoffish and temperamental but he’s actually...not that bad? like he’s sure he’s permanently grumpy but he also holds the door open for people and says thank you to janitors and probably helps old ladies across the street and would literally rather die than be rude to wait staff in a restaurant

seemingly very passionate about everything always openly expresses his emotions. he doesn’t...know how to hide them? he doesn’t know how to pretend like he doesn’t care?

adrenaline junkie, reckless af & likes to party but isn’t into hard drugs. he’s tried once or twice but just really isn’t a fan. he smokes & drinks & smokes weed sometimes but that’s it

very observant and good at reading people

basically the walking talking rl embodiment of the jerk with a heart of gold trope.

knows he’s not the easiest person to befriend but if you are his friend, then he’s gonna be loyal af, the realest ride or die of all time

however, he tends to take the tough love route when he’s trying to help someone out. like just bc you’re his friend he’s not gonna coddle you bc you’re upset he’s gonna tell you how to how to deal with your problems & emotions

which is funny bc lmao he’s angry af 1000% of the time. will throw hands anytime anywhere

so to the surprise as nobody he took up boxing as a kid and to this day it’s the only sport he cares about at all. he still boxes once or twice a week as a hobby & it’s probs pretty good for him tbh

also took a lot of music lessons back in the day. he’s actually a very talented pianist who probably could’ve gone on to play professionally if he stuck with it but nah. he likes the guitar. you’ll probs never catch him playing the piano which is a shame bc he honestly is a beautiful pianist :/

worked as an auto mechanic before he committed to his band full time but highkey misses it sometimes. he still likes cars & absolutely loves motorcycles, will talk about them all day with you if you want.

he has a motorcycle which pretty much built it himself from scratch and it’s just…it’s literally his child ok he will freak if you so much as lay a hand on his motorcycle ok /f r e a k/ like don’t even look at it the wrong way

feminist af

parker is grumpy and angry and standoffish but look he really is and really tries to be a decent guy. anyone who knows him well would see that very clearly and honestly, that’s probably why they stick around even though he can be difficult.

since this is officially a novel i think it’s time for me to sTOP LMAO. i have no specific wc in mind but i’d love to plot so please feel free to message me if you’re interested! as always i’m super excited to plot and write with everyone!

[nashvilletonihon]

There’s No Race, There’s Only A Runner. Just Keep One Foot In Front Of The Other...

Hey guys. It’s been a few days (ok, maybe a little bit more than that) since I last posted anything. To be honest, I don’t have much to tell. I’ve been at my high schools for two weeks now and have actually taught less than a handful of times. This upcoming week is the Cultural Festival, so both Amino and Kumihama have been focused on preparing for that. This means there are shortened classes and varied schedules depending on rehearsal times. Cultural Festival is a school wide event that requires the students to all participate in various activities. At Amino, the First Years are required to perform in a play. The second years are required to sing and the Third Years are required to dance. There are also food stalls, games and activities that the teachers can buy tickets to. (I have one for a Japanese tea booth I plan on visiting on Wednesday.) At Kumihama, all of the students chose to perform in different plays depending on their homerooms. There is a general atmosphere of excitement and anticipation filling the hallways and classrooms at both schools and I am 100% ready to see all of the students hard work and effort come to fruition. We just have to hope against hope the typhoon doesn’t ruin everything.

This past month has been one of the most difficult of my life. I’ve been very open and honest about my struggles regarding moving to and living in Japan. This week was especially hard because I was not feeling well, school and classes did NOT go how I had imagined them and I was incredibly emotional and homesick. (For those of you following the saga that is my sleep schedule, I wish I could inform you that it’s getting better....but it’s not.) I thought maybe a run would combat the stress and anxiety I that I was feeling, so Wednesday night I did just that. In 90 degree weather and at least 1,000% humidity I put on my running clothes, laced up the new sneakers I bought (because I FINALLY found a pair in my size) and just...ran. I didn’t have a set destination. All I knew was that I needed to run away from my emotions. (Spoiler alert: They caught up with me later.) As I was aimlessly running, I stumbled upon a park a short distance from my apartment. Curious, I decided to take a little detour to see what it had to offer. Turns out there were a few tennis courts, a small lake, a really, really nice baseball field and some nature trails heading up a “mountain” toward one side the stadium. 

Feeling adventurous, I decided to explore one of the trails. I quickly realized how out of shape I am as I began to climb the almost vertical stairs. Huffing and puffing I hauled myself up this mountainside. With each step I took I became more and more emotional. I kept thinking about how classes that day had been a total bust. The students sat there. Stone faced. Silent. They just stared at me like I had grown a second head as I attempted to introduce myself. The more I tried to make it exciting, engaging and fun, the more they refused to participate. You want to talk about feeling judged? Stand in front of a classroom full of 30 high schoolers who want nothing to do with you and what you have to say. 

(It ain’t fun.)

Wheezing and panting, my mind filled with failures of the day, I finally reached the top of the mountain. Exhausted, stressed, anxious and downright fed up, I sat down next to a small, run down temple and cried. 

“What am I doing here? Why did I leave the great life I had in America for this? The students don’t care. I can’t understand anyone. I’m alone and I miss my family. I miss Preston so much. Does he miss me like I miss him? I miss going to movies with him. Feeling his arms around me in bear a hug. God, what I wouldn’t do for a hug. From anyone. I could still be working at a really great job right now back in the States and having the time of my life with my friends. Instead, I’m here. I don’t want to be here anymore. I feel like such a failure. This is too hard and I honestly don’t know if I have anything left to give. It’s only been a month but it feels like a lifetime. I want off this roller coaster. Please. I just want to go home.”

I cried until I thought I couldn’t cry anymore. (I did the next day while on the phone with my mom.) I sat there next to that temple with snot, sweat and tears running down my face and felt so, hopeless. To have so many things beyond my control is new for me and I hate it. I knew this was going to be hard but I had no idea it was going to be THIS hard. I know by now that I must sound like a broken record when it comes to this. “Yes Rachel, we get it. It’s hard but god bless, pull up your big girl panties and DO something about it.” Or maybe that’s just what I would tell myself from the outside looking in. And I promise you all that I am. I’m studying Japanese like it’s a dying language, saying yes to every offer that involves hanging out, grabbing food or exploring, getting involved in after school activities like Kendo and attempting to stay as busy as possible to keep my mind off of the crippling doubt and anxiety ridden thoughts I’m having.

Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. 

That being said, I’m a firm believer that the universe gives you exactly what you need precisely when you need it. Enter Kate and Jess on a rainy Thursday evening. A few days earlier, Leah (my predecessor) had reached out and informed me that last year an older Japanese couple, Kumi and Masani Yoshida, had invited some of the JETs over to their house for a weekly dinner. The wife used to be a JTE at Amino (my base school) and apparently their bread is famous among the Kyotango AET’s who have had the pleasure of attending one of these gatherings. 

I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to go. I had just finished bawling on the phone to my mom when I got the message that they were outside my apartment. I quickly splashed some cold water on my face, slipped my sneakers on and walked outside. No make-up. Messy hair. Sweaty and sick looking. “Sorry I look like death warmed over.” I mumbled. “Not at all. You look great.” Kate replied with a smile. (Already being much nicer than I deserved.) “Would you like to follow us so that you know how to get there the next time?” Not feeling particularly social, I quickly agreed and got in my car. 20 minutes later we had arrived at an adorable Japanese home with two of the kindest people waiting for us inside. (I dare someone to find an unkind person in Japan.) 

Dinner was entirely vegetarian, comprised of dishes like noodles, rice and vegetables all grown in and harvested from their personal garden. AND THE BREAD. (I would 100% die for that bread.) The Yoshida’s didn’t even seem to mind that I was mostly speaking in English, too tired to try to work out what I wanted to say in Japanese. Kate and Jess have been in Japan for five years now and did most of the translating for me and the Yoshida’s in return. I was maybe a little more candid than I should have been upon first meeting them about how lonely and miserable I was. (Keeping in mind that I had my incredibly gracious hosts sitting right next to me.) I told them mostly everything. How isolating the countryside is, especially when you’re a Prefectural JET because you don’t get the luxury of meeting all the Municipal AET’s at the Board of Education almost every week. I talked to them about how sad and homesick I was and how I didn’t know if I had it in me to last an entire year. They both listened with patience and responded with kindness. Kate told me about how she went through the same feelings and emotions when she arrived. Her situation was a little different from mine because she wasn’t a JET at that point and had no job to work at or school to attend. “I was home for 10 hours a day, by myself. It was awful.” she confided in me. “But don’t worry. We’ll make sure you’re not alone anymore.” I almost started crying at the dinner table. 

As the meal began to wind down, we made plans to return again the next week. This time Kumi invited us to come earlier than 6:45 so that Kate and I could help her cook dinner if we wanted. It’s a fantastic opportunity to expand my Japanese recipe book and authentic dish making skills, so of course I adamantly agreed. Laden with leftovers and some brand new towels (the Japanese love giving gifts) I slipped on my outside shoes as Kate informed me that Kumi is well versed in the art of tying and wearing 着物 kimono and that there is a festival dedicated to kimono is October. I was immediately invited and have plans to attend with Kate and Kumi if our schedules allow. Kate and Jess also made plans to pick me up the next morning to show me around Kyotango, take me to the grocery store so that they could help me with any questions I might have regarding labels and food items and to basically let me know that living in the countryside isn’t a death sentence. (However much it might feel like one at times.)

So this morning, we did all of that. It may have been raining but that didn’t dampen our spirits as we bought locally grown veggies and homemade bread at a cute café down the street from where I live, drove along the coastline for some of the most gorgeous views I’ve ever seen and a place that I definitely plan on taking my family and Preston when they come to visit next year. We grabbed a delicious lunch of ramen at the mall where I do some of my grocery shopping and capped off the afternoon with a trip to this tucker away liquor store next to the train station where I can find all of my favorite American whiskeys and spirits for half the price. Places I never would have known about if Kate and Jess hadn’t taken time out of their Saturday to drive around and show me. I am forever indebted to them and their kindness. We already have plans to go hiking once the weather cools down for good and to go to the 温泉 onsen (Japanese bath/hot spring) for some girl relaxation time when school gets to be too much. I laughed and smiled more today than I have all week. Most importantly though, I didn’t feel judged for the way I’ve been feeling. Here they are five years later with no plans to leave and a potential house in the works. Life’s funny, ain’t it?

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I have no idea what the next 11 months will bring. (Except maybe tears. And most certainly memories.) What I do know is that I am slowly surrounding myself with a group of wonderful, kind, caring, gentle, patient and genuine human beings who make each unknown day a little bit easier to manage. It makes me excited to introduce my family and boyfriend to them. To show my loved ones the people who have become so dear and so close to me. My network of support and a safety net when walking the tightrope gets to be a tad too scary. 

I’m one fortunate gal, I tell you what. I haven’t given up just yet, and I’ll keep puttin’ one foot in front of the other.

- レイチェル (Rachel)