#hey can transmascs want to look like women but still identify as transmasc

[misiahasahardname]

total drama design a woman i don’t want to look like challenge (impossible)

[wearequeer-andwearehere]

hii there! :)

can i b a trans guy without medically transitioning? i cant for a good many years, but also,,, i dont want to (i have several adjacent health issues that would make it difficult, also i’m neutral abt my body - i dont really have dysphoria over it and it doesn’t bother me). but i’m terrified that i’ll never be taken seriously. i don’t mind being misgendered by strangers or acquaintances (i’d actually describe myself as genderqueer if i technically had to, it’s not the label i identify with but it makes the most sense like objectively. i’m happy w/ he/him but ok with they, she, etc), but i would like it if my friends would see me as a guy. but i’m also scared to even like, ask that of them. bc i really really don’t look like a guy, or even slightly androgynous, and i kind of have this sucky internal mindset that i won’t be seen as a real guy unless i make an effort to look like one, even though that’s not what i want. i’m working on it, but it’s also… my romantic life plays a big role in it. i’m currently identifying to a lesbian to my friends bc i like girls. and it’s just girls that i like. so if I live true to myself and do say that i’m a guy, I’m also like… who would want to date me, because i’m a guy who uses he/him pronouns and ‘male’ terminology like boyfriend, but physically, i have a lot of ‘girl’ features, like big boobs, and i don’t want bottom surgery either (neutral abt my body), so i just really don’t know. it’s really hurting me bc when i realised I was queer i thought I’d find a home in the queer community and i did, for the first time ever, but as I’ve thought about my identity a bit more all my queerness causes me is stress bc I’m constantly worried that no one not even other queer people will ever take me seriously or allow me to use the labels I use or will ever want to date me (bc… like, I’m not straight, but also how can I call myself a lesbian if I consider myself a guy? It’s all complicated, to me, but I feel like I’ll be ostracised from lesbians for not being enough of a girl — even though my gender is complicated and trans guy is just the best way to explain it and the best label that fits for me — and ostracised from trans people for not being trans enough and ahhhh I’m just. Really stressed about it all, and am constantly wishing I could just be true to myself, even within the queer community, but don’t know how to…

Hey, listen to me. You have a place in the queer community, okay? If you say you’re queer, you’re queer and we love and accept you.

Yes, you can ABSOLUTELY be a trans guy without medically transitioning! I understand with health issues it can be difficult for some people. However, you do NOT need to justify your choice to me, or to anybody, okay? If you don’t want to medically transition, then don’t medically transition! That’s the end of it. Being trans is about just being Not Cis. Transitioning medically is part of it for some people, but maybe it’s not for you, and that’s okay! You can still be trans.

A lot of queer AFAB people who start to realise they might be more masc aligned start feeling guilty, wondering if they’re predatory. I also experienced this. I used to identify as a bisexual girl, then nonbinary, then I started realising I felt more like a guy. I was terrified. I didn’t want to be a creepy straight guy, I didn’t want to make the women around me or women I was attracted to feel unsafe.

Eventually I realised, it’s not BEING MALE that makes you creepy, it’s being a CREEPY guy. It’s a mindset that’s a bit hard to put into words. Being male and being attracted to women is not inherently creepy. It’s only creepy if you’re weird about it, and it’s very easy not to be.

Some lesbians might ostracise you, that’s true. However, the vast majority of the lesbian community has a long history of transmasc and trans guy lesbians. The queer community is about love and support no matter your identity. You are loved.

Seeing someone as a certain gender because of their body parts is something people can get over. I might look feminine, but I know my friends and partner see me as a guy because that’s who I am to them, a friend, a brother, a boyfriend.

If your friends can’t see you as a guy because of something as unimportant as your body, then that’s on them.

“Who would want to date me” there’s people who would, trust me. Look, when you have low self esteem, especially if you’re trans and your self hatred is related to that, it’s hard to believe you’re loveable, but believe me, you are.

I still struggle with dysphoria and wonder why anyone would love me when I’m a guy but I feel like I don’t look like one, but my partner always assures me I’m loveable, and you deserve that too.

Trans people can find loving, caring partners who love you not inspite of your transness but because it’s part of who you are and they love YOU.

Kid, be yourself. You’re welcome in the queer community. Be true to yourself, be who you are, and you’ll find the right friends and the right partner.

I hope you have a good day/night, and I’m sending so so much love. May a ray of sunlight shine upon you sometime soon, my friend. Sending warmth <33

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

cw: mentions of fatphobia, body image issues, gendered beauty standards

hey sex witch! love and appreciate your sex ed posts and the resources you've shared. i noticed that you've answered some asks about becoming more comfortable with expressing sexual attraction, and finding ways to see yourself as desirable -- i was wondering if you had any similar thoughts about becoming more comfortable with other people expressing attraction to you, especially verbally. it's something i'd really like to start enjoying in a casual way (i'm more okay with it within a long-term relationship or a kink dynamic, partly because it's something i can negotiate), but it's pretty consistently something that feels "off" for me and kills my interest. i don't want to react that way! i actively want to enjoy it, especially with people i otherwise like and connect with, and i feel like i might enjoy it a lot someday if the circumstances were right or if i changed my mindset/framing. plus, i know that i really like complimenting people i'm attracted to (if i know that they like it and i know what it means to them), and i'd like that to be a mutual thing.

to be clear, i haven't experienced sexual trauma, i'm nondysphoric (transmasc), and i'd say that i really like my appearance (in a nonsexual/aesthetic sense), so i think i can rule out a few of the common reasons that people feel this way. others have suggested that i might be aspec/demisexual when i've talked about my experiences, but i've gone through that particular questioning process before (and identified as aroace/"not interested" for most of my life), and i feel like it's probably something else.

i think a significant part of the problem is that when people have flirted with me/said that i'm physically attractive, they've usually referenced beauty standards that i'm both very opposed to and which are at odds with my sexuality and what i see as beautiful. i'm a guy who's always been viewed as thin and as having a "conventionally androgynous" (?) body type, and i've generally been attracted to people with body types and/or presentations that are noticeably different from mine -- that includes feminine-presenting people, fat and chubby people, and trans and gnc people who present in ways that combine masculinity and femininity. i've pretty much never been attracted to men who look like me. but when people compliment me on my appearance, they often compliment my body type or size directly or indirectly, and i feel like there's a certain undertone of "i'm labeling you as attractive because you don't look like Those People." i don't want to be around that attitude, and i don't find it flattering or "nice."

i generally wouldn't want to assume that a person who uses these compliments actually has extremely normative views on sex, is fatphobic, etc., and i believe that attraction is morally neutral no matter what your "type" is. it's not like i don't have specific preferences myself, though i probably have some biases that i'm not yet aware of. the whole idea of people being attracted to you because of aspects of your appearance that you didn't choose is...inherently messy, i think. i also know that in most cases, i can just leave, or ask people not to talk about me in these terms. but i still find the whole thing alienating and off-putting, to such an extent that i feel disconnected from most discussions and portrayals of sexuality, especially re: attraction to men. and that's on top of having to deal with the very common assumption that it's a universal experience for women and trans people to hate their bodies and want certain types of validation (but that's kind of a separate issue that i won't get into here).

do you have any thoughts on how to navigate this? i feel like i might be missing something important, but maybe i just need to understand and accept what doesn't work for me.

thanks!

hi anon,

I hate to be so brief when you've presented me with a veritable novella, but listen: you've already answered your own question here.

if I'm reading this right sounds like what you're experiencing isn't an issue of disliking compliments because you lack self esteem, but disliking compliments that are focusing on your body in ways that you don't enjoy. the problem in this scenario really isn't on your end. no matter how well-meaning people might be, you're not under any obligation to make yourself enjoy compliments that make you uneasy, and I'm certainly not going to be the person who tries to tell you how considering I operate my own life almost entirely around the notion that if it sucks, one must hit da bricks ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

you already said it yourself: if you don't like the way someone talks to you, especially if they're someone you'd like to continue having a relationship and building rapport with, the best move is to ask them not to talk about you that way. (if they're someone you'll never see again and don't give a shit about, by all means just blow it off.) if they're not cool with that boundary, awesome! you've learned something very important about them and can terminate that potential relationship immediately.

[daemonhxckergrrl]

hi, so i do have a question regarding trans people- i want to start off by saying that i completely support trans people and people should have the right to do whatever they want to as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, and i would never side with those who try to take away someone's autonomy. that being said, why do people want to be the specific genders(men, women)- what exactly does one feel? is it identifying with gender stereotypes? wanting the other kind of body? i can understand why someone would want to be enby, but can't seem to understand specific reasons why people would want to be transmasc or transfem etc. i've read posts before where people have wanted to be women/men because of gender stereotypes- they wanted to play with dolls/liked feminine/masculine colors/clothes etc. but it's obviously something that shouldn't be stereotyped against and anyone should be allowed to play/like anything they want to, whether it's feminine or masculine. so what exactly is it that makes people want to be either? again, though even if i didn't understand why someone else felt that way, i fully support them.

okay i've taken some time before answering this. hopefully it's helpful.

first thing: ask a different trans/nonbinary person and you'll get a different answer than mine (gender be like that).

second thing: tldr short version here !!! gender identity (internal sense of self) and gender expression (external performance of gender) are often related but are different things. you're asking about gender identity, but the ideas you've worked through are more about expression (body, colours, clothes, toys etc.)

so, assuming you're cis, ask yourself "why do i want to be the gender i am?" and then think about if it would be different for a binary trans person of your gender.

third thing: longer/more detailed answer under the cut

by "specific genders" it seems you mean "binary genders" (some nonbinary identities are vague while others are specific; "droid" is a pretty specific gender, as is "stargender" etc.)

what one feels (and how one might describe it) depends on the person. for some it's a connection to gendered language, or methods of expression like clothes and interests (hey some people personally fit stereotypical gender roles and that's okay), or a sense of community (being grouped w/ other people of that label even if you can't explain why it feels 'right')

body types is a whole other thing, given there's already a lot of variation within "typical male" and "typical female" bodies (in the cisgendered, perisex sense) and then you introduce intersex bodies and then you introduce the variety in how trans people choose what bodies they want (everything from no operations no hormones right up to hormones and surgeries and other operations to get as close to a "typical" cis perisex body of that gender as possible and everything in between)

do you see being nonbinary as a single thing ? or as an umbrella for a multitude of things ? or something else ?

also a lot of nonbinary people identify w/ transmasc/transfem terms bc their transition experience is sometimes shared w/ binary trans people, or bc they consider themselves trans (not all nonbinary people do) and also masc-/fem-leaning in identity, or for other reasons (there's also nonbinary people who consider their identity fairly close to their agab and describe themselves as both trans and masc/fem in that context)

part of wanting to do [stereotypical] thing is that you were denied it in childhood and it's reclaiming that. the way gender plays into it is that you were denied it because of gender stereotypes. ofc some people like feminine things but are still men and vice versa, but also yeah getting euphoria from enjoying a "stereotypically" masc/fem thing you were previously denied is very much a thing for some people

another way to look at why people are binary trans is this: look at why people are binary cis. i'm gonna assume you're cis here, so ask yourself "why do i want to be the gender i am ?" and that's gonna be similar to why a trans person might want to be that gender or why a different trans person might not want to be that gender

[intergalactic-chameleon]

rambling train of thought

oddly vulnerable for me 2 admit but i admire transmasc ppl a lot and think they r cool and wanna be their friend. transfemmes too. just trans ppl in general i fucking guess lmfao. but transmascs in particular bc i really admire the particular way that they practice / express masculinity

on a related note, this is why i know im somewhere on the trans spectrum bc i admire trans ppl too much to not be one myself, yknow. still frustrating tho bc i feel like everyone sees me as a cis girl and i just wanna be like Hey Um ACTUALLY I Have A Rich Inner Life… I’ll Have You Know… just bc im a girl doesnt mean that’s all i am, i dont relate to a lot things typically prescribed to women, im super duper queer, etc etc

also lots weird back and forth in my head between identifying as a woman purposefully but also on a variation of technicalities. and also wanting to look like a boy, but a very Specific vision of one that i have in my head, and also lacking the want or need to “pass.” very confusing to say the least.

i got a binder recently and i remember thinking to myself “am i getting anything out of this.” part of that definitely has to do with the style of binder i got, which doesnt do that much when u got big tits like i do (i need to get a tank binder sometime). but ive been trying to understand how i feel about my chest, and my body at large. basically, i dont hate my body. i dont. i dont even rly experience gender dysphoria atp. often, i even love my body. it’s attractive. but my body makes me feel frustrated because i feel like i only have so much control over what it looks like. esp bc i dont rly want breast reduction/removal or hormones. i see an attractive man/masc and experience a mixture of reactions. attraction. lust. jealousy. a tinge of sadness. agitation.

again, i really dont hate my body. i just wish i could do more with its silhouette and shape it to my liking with ease. im rly short (4’10”), have big boobs, small frame, curvy figure, long hair… all these things i enjoy or at least am okay with, but put em all together and that’s all anyone can ever see: a woman. and being a woman is cool, and i identify with it. but no matter what it never feels like enough for me. i break out of that box as much as i can because i cant stand being so limited. like if i can so easily be a woman, why cant i so easily be a man (so to speak)? i most aspire to be a fag, tbqh. in my own way that is.

idk if any of this made sense lol

[shoelace-and-friends]

Hey! Just fyi, when someone is talking about "baeddels", they're talking about a specific group that actively identified as such. They were a cohesive ideological group with specific beliefs. It's a similar situation to groups like "Dykes on bikes" (look them up, they are very cool) where the group is opting to be referred to like that. It obviously should not be used in general, but it is used to refer to the group that claims/claimed it as their group name. Unless it's being used in a generalized fashion, you can assume that the group being referred to is that one.

I know what it's supposedly supposed to mean, and my point still stands. Just don't fucking use that word.

I do not care if you don't agree with the ideologies of people who self-identify that way; that identity is still stemmed from a reclaimed slur that specifically targeted transfem people. That word was historically used to hurt people. I've seen that term as of late used primarily to criticize and accuse trans women of trying to harm or silence trans mascs when transmascs themselves were never the target of that slur.

Some reclaimed slurs are sort of a grey area in terms of who can use them (and i am not about to start discourse on those rn) but this one is a little more black and white.

Maaaaybe if you have a problem with something transfems are doing, at least don't call them slurs?

You're gonna have a real hard time getting transfems to listen to you when you try to express how you think they're silencing you when they tell you to not use or the change certain terms you've coined if in the process you're going to use a slur they reclaimed for themselves on them critically

Also not to mention that not all of the trans women that supposedly have the ideology you are critical of identify with that label either.

And not all trans women who use that label fit into the group you're complaining of.

And before someone tries to clown and compares this to "terf is a slur" discourse or some shit, this isn't nearly the same thing.

Sure it could've meant one thing on this website at some point and maybe at first y'all were talking about one specific group of trans women who just happened to identify with that word but it's since gotten blown out of proportion to basically mean "any transfem person I don't agree with." I have yet to see that term be used in a way that doesn't come off as hostile or accusative.

Like...I fucking hate this rising transmasc vs transfem fighting. It's clear there's a lot the trans community needs to sort out with itself but if we want to express our grievances and try to get transmascs and transfems to be more understanding of each other than holy shit try to be a bit more civil when going about it.

[alirhi]

just me stuff

Putting it behind one of those helpful little "keep reading" links to make it easier to scroll right past :)

The other day, a friend asked me if I had DID (dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality disorder/MPD). When I came out to my sister and tried to explain to her what genderfluid means (or at least, what it means to me; ask three different people who use that term to identify themselves and you'll get three different, equally valid definitions), she joked that it was "gender split-personality". It was funny at the time, but it's starting to grate on me a little.

I've got plenty wrong with me, both physically and mentally, but no. I don't have DID. The Josh/Ali thing is not "split personalities". It's still always me. And I've always been this way. As a kid, I climbed trees, played in mud, played with babydolls and Barbies and Tonka trucks and Hotwheels... Everything that was "typically girly" and "typically boyish", I did it all, and I loved it all equally. But I've never felt like I was "defying gender norms" or that gender didn't apply to me. Frilly dresses and dolls and happily sewing new clothes for my Barbies Ali was a girl. Muddy, scraped up, rough-and-tumble Josh was a boy. I never thought enough about it at the time to try to categorize it in my head, that came later, in retrospect, but that's how it always felt. Same kid, same body (and oh fuck, the dysphoria that nearly fucking killed me at times...), same mind, just... Different outlooks.

I think there might be a neurological component to it all, because when I switch, I can feel it. It's a weird little twinge in my head. Sometimes I don't notice lol but a lot of the time, I do, and the world looks different. Apparently, even the way I speak and carry myself changes a little; my friends have started to notice, and sometimes mid-conversation one of them will just kind of smile and go "hi, Josh" or "hey, Ali." It's nice to have both sides acknowledged. I used to hide. In my late teens, through my 20s, and even a little into my 30s, I would work so hard to pass. To hide Josh from the world and not stand out. An ex-friend (when we still were friends lol) looked at me funny and called me a crossdresser; asked if I was gay. For one thing, those two things are not related. For another, no. I would much rather wear jeans, cut my hair off, walk around shirtless when it's hot out, be a guy... but I can't. My body is female. Worse, it's feminine. I've got doll-like, almost kittenish features, and as Ali that's great, but as Josh it's soul-crushing.

So for a while, I hid. I caked on makeup, styled my hair, wore the girliest clothes I owned, pitched my voice an entire octave higher, and was Miss Manners. Everything that screamed "girly" to me, to hide how very not girly I felt. The catch there, of course, is Ali outgrew the super femme stage by the age of like 12 and playing it up only made me more obvious to people who really knew me 😂 but I wasn't really thinking it through.

I looked in the mirror, and I saw someone else staring back at me. The disconnect was so complete, it was horrifying. But that someone else, that lost and lonely, broken girl? Well, I couldn't help me, but maybe I could help her. So it wasn't just to hide who I am, it was to give that girl something nice to come back to. All women are beautiful. All of them. It's just a matter of knowing how to carry oneself, which features to play up. When the disconnect goes away, I can't see as clearly. I just see all the flaws. Just the gross, fat loser who will never amount to anything. But when I feel disembodied, like I'm looking at someone else, I can see the pretty eyes, the perfectly shaped lips, the high cheekbones... I see a pretty girl who doesn't know she's pretty, and I want to make it better. I realize at this point it sounds like I'm contradicting the "no, I don't have DID" thing from earlier XD I don't know how else to describe the shit going on in my head, but it's not two identities. There's no loss of time, or blacking out. The only things that change now are the way I see my body, and apparently the way I speak, a little.

The same friend who asked if I have DID keeps half-joking that she gets gayer the older she gets. It finally hit me last time she said it that...yeah, me too. 😂 Only half the time, though. I went from always on the straighter end of pan to just... more and more into the D lmao. That used to be one of the signs that I'd switched. It's even how I explained it to my sister - "sometimes it's 'oooo Tom Hiddleston' and sometimes it's 'oooo Anne Hathaway.'" (this was like 4 years ago lol. I hadn't yet discovered just how unbelievably perfect Sebastian Stan is). I was always attracted to people regardless of gender, but with a strong leaning toward the opposite sex, if that makes any sense at all. Like, always into Tom and Anne, just Ali's more into Tom, and Josh is more into Anne. But for some reason, guys, I am getting gayer by the day lately lmao. I dunno if my tastes are shifting and I'm just more into dudes in general, or if I just keep discovering guys so undeniably, ridiculously hot that it just doesn't matter or what but... yeah. Fem or transmasc, doesn't matter. I'm always into Seb 😂

[wearequeer-andwearehere]

Hey ! :D

So i noticed a lot of people seem to be coming to you for help and decided to also ask

So a while ago i figured out i was Bisexual and Aromantic and was pretty happy for a while . Then i started questioning my gender

See the thing is im afab but i don't really care about my pronouns or anything and i found the label Cassgender from one of your posts actually which i guess it does describe me?

But also i keep getting these thoughts that are like "what would it like to be masculine" "binding you should try that" and i thought "oh yeah all people have these thoughts wondering about if they were the opposite gender" but Apparently they dont??

And stuff like that at the same time though ive been looking into gender labels and watched a ton of videos and obviously things like transmasc and stuff came up a lot so i dont know if theyre just there because of the videos influence and im just tryna be special ya know?

Idk anyway i hope you have a good day/night and all your help is appreciated !! :D

Heya anon!

And yeah, my asks are always open if you wanna talk or have gender/sexuality questions!! Sometimes if I’m busy or have too much schoolwork I’ll turn off asks, but otherwise I’m always happy to help out!

First off, I’m so glad you figured out your sexuality my dude!! That’s awesome, I’m so happy for you!!

Btw if you wanna read up more on the cassgender label, here is the wiki page for cassgender and it has some cassgender related micro labels as well, and here’s the definition!

Cassgender is a gender identity where one feels that their gender is unimportant or where one is indifferent to the idea of gender. Cassgender is different from a lack of gender, as a cassgender individual might have a gender but not feel that it's an important part of their identity.

Another similar identity is gender apathetic!

Gender apathetic is when a person really doesn't identify nor care about any particular gender. They are fine passing off as whatever and do not have an opinion towards their own gender. This is different than agender in that they may have a gender, but it's unimportant whether they have one or not, let alone what the gender is itself. 

About the opposite gender thing, pretty much the only exception I’ve seen to that is cis girls wishing they were boys so they could have male privilege, but if it’s not because of social privilege, then yeah, I don’t think most people would have any strong desire to be another gender. 

And tbh it depends on what you mean by masculine? Like gnc girls and butch women can dress masculine and still be women—but if you’re talking about having a male body, then ye that doesn’t sound very cis lmao

But yeah, a lot of the thoughts you’re having do sound similar to what a lot of transmascs have talked about thinking, like I always wished I was a guy and wanted to bind when I still thought I was cis, and you wanting to bind sounds like it could be a sign of physical dysphoria

Tbh, I doubt it’s because of the influence of the videos! If you’re transmasc, it’s probably that the videos helped you realise it rather than they made you transmasc! 

Like, the internet didn’t make me trans, it helped me realise I was trans. I would’ve been trans either way, it just helped me realise it quicker, so that may be what’s happening with the videos!

And if you feel cassgender fits you, you can identify as a trans cassgender guy, or cassgender transmasc, whatever you feel fits you!

I hope you have a wonderful day/night, anon, and I wish you luck on your gender journey! I hope I could help, lmk if you have any more questions!

[forclosetedtransboys]

hey hey !! ok so i’m pretty sure i’m transmasc, and everything points to that, but i’m confused. i don’t want to be female from what i’m aware, but i’m so confused. my (pretty sure) dysphoria kinda just changes over the days. but i can’t transition. and i think because of that, i feel feminine. i get a voice in my head being like “what if you like being a woman? you are just a woman !” i can’t transition due to my household, i can’t find what makes md feel right. i feel like i’m in a cage of never knowing if i am. how do i know if i’m a man or a woman if i can’t experiment?

Okay, I completely understand what you’re talking about here. It’s hard to figure out if you’re something else if you never get the chance to test that theory out. For example, you can’t figure out if you’d enjoy having blue hair unless you’ve got a really good imagination or you dye it. So it can be difficult to figure out what you most identify with. 

Perhaps you CAN experiment, just in a different way. On the internet on any forum, introduce yourself in different ways (specifically different genders). Or you could imagine how you’d feel if you were walking in public and someone came up to you and said “excuse me, sir, you dropped this.” Or, if you’re comfortable enough, you could go clothes shopping alone and try on men’s clothes in the changing rooms (though it is important to note that liking particular clothing doesn’t make you a specific gender. Plenty of women wear more masculine clothing and vice versa. A lot of people wear a blend, as well).

Dysphoria ebbs and flows. Some people don’t have any at all, and that is completely valid! Some transmasc people even feel feminine - they know that they’re male, but they’re still okay with people thinking they’re female as long as they know in the end that they’re not.

Given that the voice in your head is saying doubtful things like that, it sounds like that voice is contradicting what you feel. All those ‘what if’ questions can be difficult to deal with, especially when you don’t have someone trusted and level-headed to talk to. But I’m here for you. ‘What if’ questions are very prominent in people with higher levels of anxiety, but they’re not the end of the world. Though they can make you very uncertain and even distressed, it’s important to look at them logically. What’s so bad about being seen as a woman? Feeling as though you’ll be stuck as something you’re not? It sounds as though being seen as a woman isn’t something you want to happen and is even something you’re not comfortable with. That probably says a lot about where you’re at with your gender.

These things can take time. It’s important to not rush it. Go with whatever label you feel at the moment. People change all the time, and that includes you. You’re allowed to be uncertain, you’re allowed to change your mind. Do whatever feels right for you in the moment.

If you need anything else, let me know. i’m here for you.

Stay safe!

- Ty

[steponmepinkjun]

I NEVER FINISHED MY STORY OMG. ok so i left off at being too proud to tell my friend she was right and kpop fucked hard. the difference between u and me is that i’m too good of a liar. too good. i kept up the “i hate kpop it’s cringe” facade for ALMOST TWO WHOLE YEARS, I SHIT YOU NOT. why? bc my dumb ass, extra ass, dramatic ass self thought “ok if i’m gonna have to deal with the embarrassment of admitting i’m wrong, i better do it in such an extra ass way it’ll knock ur socks off so hard that YOULL be the one embarrassed not me.” the original plan was to learn the entire choreography to bts dope, bc it’s the song that she told me to listen to and inevitably the song that got me into them, but later switched to bts fire bc i saw too many of those “choreo matches w any song” videos, and then her birthday party came up. and here’s the real kicker. her birthday is April Motherfuckin Fools. so it would be So Perfect for me to reveal my kpopism as a birthday present And a april fools prank in one. so i was Set on the Reveal being on april 1st, but the day rolls around and god that choreo is so fucking hard and i am Not a dancer. never have been. so i abandon that and go ykno what… i’ll do it Next Year. BC MY BITCHASS WAS LIKE NO THE MOMENT IS TOO PERFECT TO DO IT ON A NORMAL ASS DAY ITS GONNA BE ON APRIL FOOLS ON HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY OR NOT AT ALL. a year rolls by, i’ve told most of our friends except her and they’re all in on it, i’d made so many subtle kpop references to her without her realising they were fully intentional and had too many scares where she almost figured me out but i lied my way out of it, and i’d given up on showing off with choreography bc i couldn’t make that shit look good. i’m not a dancer. i am, however, a rapper, and a damn good one, so i inhaled the agust d mixtape and decided i’d just rap the eminem of kpop’s anthem at her face. in korean. and change the lyrics at the end (if u haven’t listened to agust d, the bridge repeats “i’m sorry” a lot) to “i’m sorry i kept this from u for so long” and “i’m sorry i actually ult got7 not bts” (this was like the april after skz debuted ok i was holding onto got7 for dear life knowing full well skz we’re going to convert me smh) and the best part? she never saw it coming. her official present was a cd with a bunch of kpop on it but she thought it was just a personalised mixtape for her so i told her to play the first song out loud and she knew the song Instantly. it has a long intro so she was like “i guess u did listen when i recommended u this song!! i knew you’d like it since u like rap so much!!” and then i started rapping and i shit u not. she started SCREAMING. like the initial reaction was her jaw dropping and then instinctively covering her mouth but when i kept going and she realised i wasn’t fucking around she just fucking screamed like a banshee. at the end during the sorry bit i threw off my jacket to reveal a got7 shirt on the inside and she fell off her chair and started rolling around on the floor. needless to say it was every bit as satisfying as i thought it’d be LMAOOOO afterwards her ass was like “I CANT BELIEVE U HID THIS FROM ME FOR OVER A YEAR” and when i tried to explain my ego couldn’t take the “i told u so” she was like “you know i wouldn’t have made fun of you for it right? i would just be glad you’re not hating on my boys anymore” so basically i’m a big dramatic fool and she was always too good for me.

don’t mind the weird spaces here my ipad is being all fucky wucky w me rn. damn sad to hear ur sideblog experience didn’t go so well, i’d have shown u the cool side of the fandom if i knew 😤😤 leading u thru the cursed halls of kpop stan tumblr like a sketchy tour guide that’s actually 3 small raccoons stacked on top of each other like a trench coat, like “over here we have the fanfic writers that honestly need to publish a book, over here we have the gif makers that are responsible for my entire camera roll, if we take a quick swerve past the death threat anons and the twt fanwar screenshots - mind ur feet bub the 14 year olds were tryna make a grab for ur ankles - ah here’s the holy grail of shitposts, you might be here for hours, to the right we have the weird aussie side of the fandom that projects our childhoods onto chanlix but also all the members as we decide what their life in australia would’ve been like, and down there is a secret trapdoor to the blogs w endless random headcanons that will make you laugh, cry or blush depending on if the author woke up and decided to choose violence today. enjoy your Stay!” but then again i’m not so active on tumblr anymore (ngl you’ve become the highlight of my tumblr experience these days, interaction wise,) so maybe all my Local Hotspots are inactive now. i know a bunch of them are, it’s sad. “i don’t fw stan twitter for the same reason i don’t hang out in meth dens” oop. guess i’m a meth addict. no but i get u i rly do, it’s a hellhole out there, but the fact that things get shared and spread a lot easier than on tumblr and how short most things have to be (therefor keeping up w my adhd attention span without having to resort to the mental torture that is tiktok, with the added bonus of not always needing headphones.) that i just. couldn’t leave if i tried. maybe i should try being active on tumblr again but it’s a dying site in comparison.

“their music doesn’t consistently hit for me as much as skz” i’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. what. what. you don’t dramama ramama ramama hey? you don’t feel a little jealousyyyyyy, naega anin? you don’t shoot out, shoot out, shoot out, or aremdaeun love killa love killa? you can’t be your hero du du du du du du du du du dududu? u disappoint me. literally like everyone i know who likes skz music likes mx music like it’s a rite of Passage. they’re kindred spirits, monsta x music is like skz’s music’s cool but mildly heterosexual older brother. neither of them know what a bad song is it runs in the family. and both their music runs in my VEINS. whenever i describe my music taste they’re always the first two that come to mind, skz being my number 1 bc they are my best boys but mx bc of the Flavour. pls listen to the entire the code album then get back to me 😤🙌 ok but fr ur so right they are 7 of the finest men i ever seen (yes i say 7 bc i’m including wonho cause he deserved better and i’ll die on my ot7 bullshit.) like don’t get me started on them either LOL i LITERALLY downloaded that one insta video of changkyun working out his back n arm muscles w his tattoo showing bc i needed that shit saved for Science. they could do Anything w me like frfr. yes vixx is the bdsm contract group i’m telling ya they wildin. or at least they were. it’s been years since their last comeback idk what they’re doing anymore tbh. and yeah that makes sense, savouring the hyperfixation i feel it, but also i’m so attached to skz that i never let it die. like i hyperfixate on other things and other groups but i will Always go back to skz cause they’re my homeboys. hell, they’re my home. being a predebut stay i’ve spent more time w skz than most of my actual family members at this point. but that’s just me you do u boo xx just know that if ur anything like me ur never letting go once skz it’s been my longest lasting fixation cause they hit like Nothing Else Do. ik i’ve already said that but i cannot stress it enough. they’re really special. i’m gonna stop here before i get all sappy and emotional bc i really love those boys so fucking much and i don’t drop the L bomb often. SIDE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE UR LIST OF GROUPS RANKED BY THORSt. i need to judge ur Taste. and omg cat&dog is such a guilty pleasure song bc the lyrics make me cringe so much bc while pet play can be fun they be doing it in more of an “i’m an innocent soft dogboy uwu” kinda way that just Does Not Sit Right with me. it comes back to the objectifying of asians that asians themselves don’t help in industries like these and maybe i’m looking too far into it when rly it is just wholesome n cute or maybe they are into some pet play shit idk idc i will bop to the song regardless but i will not acknowledge the lyrics nope.

YOURE RIGHT THO SKZ’S OPENNESS IS IN FACT, A BIG DEAL, i’ll grab them for u if u want but i found these twt threads of skz supporting the lgbt community and i just felt a special kind of happiness man like sure the delusional part of me likes going “haha they’re gay” bc my brain likes to imagine them as my polycule of mlm boyfriends bc sometimes thats what gives me the serotonin to get me thru the day ok don’t judge but also bc it’s nice knowing that yes i’ll never know them personally, but at least i can support them knowing they’d respect my gender identity and my pronouns, they’d respect who i choose to love, and that’s already more than the general public can say so shit, it is special! it’s special that they don’t treat being cishet like the norm - they constantly remove gender from their songs and speech entirely, they don’t assume all stays are female anymore, we don’t talk abt the babygirls incident cause we got babystays in the end outta that ok, and it’s just. so refreshing and important to me bc i can’t get that anywhere else!! like my semi ults are the boyz and while i love them very much and there’s no way all 11 of them are straight i refuse, i do get just a little bit sad whenever they she/her their fandom by default and call them their girlfriends n shit even tho i do still identify as a girl, i’m also genderfluid/nonbinary/transmasc, and i have a very love/hate relationship w my womanhood and rarely use she/her pronouns, cause it’s like, do you not see me? see us? the ones who aren’t cishet women? i mean i know kevin does bc he congratulated a fan who came out as nb but it’s just not the same as the openness we get w skz. like how do i trust cishets i could be supporting them as a queer person when in reality they’d call me a slur. what would i know, behind the screen? so it’s so good that skz go the extra mile to make it a safe space for everyone. this is already long enough i will reply to the second half of that ask in another message… tomorrow cause it’s 1am and i’m tired gn -felix bi anon

I'mma have to start putting these under a readmore so that i don't absolutely make everything who is still following me for some reason go totally fucking insane 😂

NDJDHWJJAHFNAKBSJSBFBHHDBDNAJD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE FACES I WAS MAKING READING THIS, I WAS FUCKING CACKLING AND GASPING EVERY OTHER SENTENCE SO HARD THAT I SCARED THE CATS NDJWHSHSB the fact that you went "oh you want me to get into kpop? Give me a hot minute, and I'll give you a whole ass private concert for free" biduehsjdbd biiiiiiiiiiitch you're a fucking ICON, I stg I could NEVER 😂 (and not just because I couldn't find a tune if you gave me a printed set of Google maps directions and that I embody the steriotype that white people can't dance, like my sister kept sensing me tiktoks of the whole "dance like a white girl" trend going lmfao look it's you and eventually I was like "sis please this trend has me feeling like being white is a disability and these mothafuckers are being ableist 😭 also I could NEVER be that on beat so yall ain't even doin it right 😭😭😭😭"). Tbh if I told one of my friends (lol what friends, i got jokes) to get into Skz and they showed up at my bday and performed the entirety of I Got It I would simply shower them in money and go "aight everyone else go home, you are no longer needed, you are being laid off, your position has been eliminated, we're downsizing, the company is moving up and you're moving out, you are not qualified for this role any longer, best of luck with future endeavors" 😊

I think part of the reason I can't deal w Twitter is the exact reason I refuse to leave tumblr, in that I've been on tumblr since 2006 and twt since 2008, and tumblr literally has not changed at all, not even a little, whereas going from the early days of twt where there were no corporate sponsorships or ads and you had to manually copy and paste someone's tweet and @ them to retweet it, to how it is now, like 90% ads and showing me shit from the timelines of people I don't even fuckin follow n whatnot, it's just not enjoyable. Idk how anyone finds anything on twt, it confuses and frustrates me because I am old and have not adapted well to technology changing 😂 But arguably, the skz fanbase doesn't want me on skztwt anyways so like it works for both of us lmfaooo. I am old and cringey, and also still think of twt as stream of consciousness whereas tumblr is your teenage bedroom where you can decorate the walls with anything that interests you. I do really love the nonsensical kpoptwt shitposts tho fhshsbdjjss like it is a very specific flavor of mental instability that I enjoy immensely 😂 OH and also I initially misread part of that and thought you were saying you actually irl do meth and I was like 😳 WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS. Like how do I express like "I wasn't being judgy of people who use substances cause I've been there but I was just being insensitive 😳" And then went back and reread it and was like WHEW, IM JUST AN ILLITERATE FOOL 😂😂😂😂 ejeywhdhrhjwbfbdjshdhdhd I spent like an hour bwign like "IS THE REASON WE GET ALONG BECAUSE THEY'RE ON METH???? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??????" hrhehshe I am literally a fuckin idiot it's fine

It's not that I don't fw them, it's more like... Okay so like there is no situation in which I am going to skip a skz song if it comes on shuffle. You will not ever catch me NOT in the mood to listen to Sunshine, if God's Menu comes on we are THROWIN the meager amount of booty meat I got hither and thither, I could be in the happiest mood of my life but if Ex comes on I will stop to SOB. And I'm not like that with most music, so mx just falls into the category of "there is a time and place." Idk why but it just doesn't forcibly grab hold of my heart and ass the way skz always does. I really don't WANT my skz fixation to ever end, but I know that eventually it'll stop giving me dopamine bevause my brain is my worst fucking enemy 🙃 like my arcana fixation is to date the longest running hyperfixation I've ever had, going on almost three years, and I used to not be able to spend every single second of every day thinking about Asra, but now... I just feel nothing when I look at arcana stuff. As you can probz tell by the fact that I hardly post arcana anymore 😂 So I know that eventually all my happiness will end, it always does, I can never stay just as obsessed with something as I was for long. I CANT SHARE THE LIST BECAUSE I DONT *HAVE* TASTE YET 😭 I'm basically just compiling a list of any group someone tells me I should look into, ranked by how strong the kitty purred upon googling pics of them 😂 My mom read my ass to FILTH over txt lmfao she was like "they're not that adorable. Maybe your standard for adorableness has gone down with You Know Who still on hiatus 🤔" bfjwhdhd like MOMMAAAAA THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED 😂 she attacks me any time I even hint at stanning other groups, she is a skz purist and stans skz only, unofficial Momma Stay of All Stays keeping me in check lmfao.

I feel like skz really do follow thru on their promise that they're a safe space for stays, it's nice to see that they hold space for anyone and everyone in their fanbase and do it in a really simple and elegant way, I feel. Like they never make it seem like "okay here are the fans and here are the token weirdos that were only recognizing to make a buck off of them" the way a lot of artists make it feel like 😑 like they don't go out of their way to act like it's some revolutionary act to do the bare minimum of not shitting on certain parts of the fandom, if that makes sense. They feel very "yeah, of course we love all our stays, this is a welcoming space for literally anyone, that's how it should be, that should be normal," instead of like "Hi fans we love you 😊 and special shoutout to you ell gee bee tee folk, make sure to buy my rainbow merch after the show!!!" you know? Like, they're the friends who would never make you feel weird or different for some shit, the friends that take the attention off you if something they know ur sensitive about comes up, instead of weirdly snapping at whoever brought the unfomfy thing up which ruins the mood and makes you feel tiwce as bad, yk? They just give off this vibe that they, and the space they create with their music, is just a genuine and chill place to be and hang out and relax and bond. I feel like they'd be the friend group that is so goofy and sweet and silly and accepting and lovely and always makes you feel loved and excited to be alive 🥺 They are all good noodles 🥺🥺🥺

[symptoms-syndrome]

hey, do you know of any book, place or anything that could help me understand how gender and dissociation can interact, especially wrt dissociated parts of self? or can you share what your experience with this has been if you've had any (if you're comfortable)? i'm really struggling to understand myself and my experiences and my gender identity and sexual orientation. i've already asked my t and she'll look into it but couldn't think of anything off the top of her head. hope this is ok to ask.

I’m putting this under a read more because it may get sort of long.

Hello!

I don’t know of any books or resources, but maybe some of my followers do.

However, as someone who is trans and dissociative, I can absolutely share my personal experience. I am very fortunate in that both the therapist that diagnosed me and my current therapist are trans. I highly recommend looking to see if there are any LGBTQ specific resources for therapy in your area, if that’s a part of your identity you consider important to you and your mental wellbeing.

I am a bisexual trans person with moderate levels of dysphoria, who identifies as nonbinary/transmasculine, and has been on HRT for about two years and is in the beginning stages of planning bottom surgery/GCS. For both HRT and GCS, I believe DID is one of the specific things they mention as being “controlled“ before starting medical transition. For better or for worse, I got my diagnosis after about a year of HRT. I am choosing to proceed with GCS/HRT despite my diagnosis, but that’s a very personal decision that I’ve given a lot of thought and I don’t necessarily condone that universally.

I do remember when I was doing the initial dissociative test, there were a few parts of it my therapist mentioned could be due to dissociation OR dysphoria, such as phrases like “when I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize my reflection,” or something of the sort. That is something your therapist should take into account, and you could communicate with them about why you might feel that way, be it due to dissociation, dysphoria, or both. However, on those sorts of tests there is a “baseline,“ so being wishy-washy on the specifics of one or two questions won’t drastically change your score one way or the other.

Using this example, there are times I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see, or it isn’t what I’m expecting. When this is leaning more towards dysphoria, it’s mostly gendered things that I notice feel “off,“ such as my hips, my shoulders, etc. When this is leaning more towards dissociation, it’s more “general.” Something is off, and I can’t tell what, or it feels like everything is off. (Additionally, dysphoria generally carries more upsetting/negative thoughts, while dissociation is more neutral “oh, that’s not right.” However, everyone experiences dysphoria differently, so that may not be case for you.) Sometimes, though, I can’t really tell if it’s dysphoria or dissociation. It’s a murky middle ground.

WRT to sexual orientation, it’s important to remember that like. You don’t really need to have a set one, and you don’t need to tell anyone else if you don’t want to. I identify as bisexual, and sometimes I lean more towards this gender or that one, sometimes there’s no preference at all, sometimes I can’t imagine being with one gender and can only imagine myself with another, it’s all very fluid and personally I think that’s an experience a lot of people have outside of dissociation. You don’t need to file any paperwork or have an “official“ sexual orientation you have to stick with. A lot of folks simply identify as “queer“ for that reason. You don’t owe anyone an explanation of your sexual orientation, and it’s okay to not know, and just focus on the people you like, rather than broader categories like gender.

WRT your own gender identity, a lot of the above still applies. You don’t need a name for your gender if you don’t want one. All other people really have to know are the pronouns you prefer, which you can change whenever. I have some parts that are women, though most of them don’t fully front very often, and when they do they don’t really mind the body they’re in, or the pronouns folks use for them. I on a whole identify as nonbinary/transmasc solely because most of the parts that do front either identify that way, or don’t mind identifying that way. I, as a part, personally don’t remember coming out, or identifying any differently. I know I’ve been out since around 7th grade even though I don’t remember it, and most parts that are most present don’t remember high school or anything before it. For me, I’m mostly taking an “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it“ approach. I came into consciousness identifying as transmasculine, and I don’t have strong feelings about NOT being transmasculine, neither do any of the parts I’m aware of. Overall, 99% of the time, parts present either identify as nonbinary/transmasc, or don’t take issue with being perceived that way.

I think it’s also important to remember that with social transition, you’re allowed to basically do whatever you want. You can cut your hair and it’ll grow back. You can buy new clothes and return them. You can wear makeup or not wear makeup, bind or not bind, tuck or not tuck, and pretty much everything is reversible. As long as you are being safe, you can try out as many gender presentations as you like.

With HRT and surgeries, this is not the case. While stopping HRT can reverse SOME of the effects, there are some things that will not go back to the way they were. It’s important to remember your whole self and consider all aspects, as folks with dissociative parts may have more complicated relationships with their gender and their body. It’s also important to remember HRT will change aspects of your body, but won’t change you. Medical transition is a huge decision, and one that can very positively change your life, but also has the potential to negatively impact you, too. You also do NOT have to medically transition to be valid in your gender identity, nor do you owe anyone an explanation as to why you choose or choose not to medically transition. If you take a while to decide, the choice to start will always be there. You can always decide that you want to start medical transition later.

Depending on where you are and where you go to medically transition though, they may already have these safeguards in place to make sure you don’t do something you regret later. It’s important even for non-dissociative folks to carefully consider the choice to medically transition.

This has all been very rambly, and I’m sorry. I just wanted to get an answer out because this ask has been sitting in my inbox for a while.

[kae-karo]

hi! me again! i understand that bi/pan people with a preference would never be considered lesbians but i had it presented to me as being like bisexual homoromantic which would be as valid as being ace and homoromantic right? and i don't understand how A's id could affect or imply anything about B's id? like the acknowledgment of demigirls doesn't affects girls being fully girls? as far as pronouns isn't the whole point that they ARE gendered, otherwise we would all just be they/them? (1/2)

non queer people very much understand pronouns to indicate gender. so why is language malleable when it comes to redefining gender and pronouns but not when it comes to using orientation labels differently? also i read that carrd and want to clarify i would never make the argument that trans people aren't "really" the gender they id as. also, i'm sorry for asking so much but i'm just trying to understand.

--

hi dear! for context (x) and please don’t apologize for asking questions! there are so many people who would rather shut down and not try to understand, i will always greatly appreciate people who are actively trying to learn

also sorry this got wAY too long lmao i have a lot of thoughts, apparently...

as for the way the term bi/pan lesbian was presented to you, that’s totally understandable! and again, per my lil caveat, the idea of expressing a difference in romantic and sexual attraction with a single term (like being bi/pansexual but lesbian in terms of romantic attraction) is totally chill but i think the part that starts to come into question is the large movement of people who were using bi/pan lesbian in the way i described in my other post (ie as a way to express that they are “lesbian but with some attraction to men, still”)

in terms of how person A identifies and how that affects person B, the point is less about an individual interaction - no, how a stranger chooses to identify themself does not directly affect my identity. to your notion of demigirls and the fact that they don’t negate the identity of women, that’s totally true! it’s not so much that a person’s identity negates another’s, more that the words a person uses to identify themself can affect others, because we tie certain terms with certain experiences. by a group of people commandeering terminology that already has an experience tied to it, the people who already use that terminology (because they have that experience) can start to feel as though their experience and identity are being called into question

okay, so if bi/pan lesbians become a standard terminology to describe ppl who would id as lesbians if not for some attraction to men, that could start to bring into question whether all or any lesbians could be attracted to men (as the person in the tweet mentioned). now (certain) men may start to believe that any person who ids as a lesbian might still be attracted to men, so these certain men may think that they have a chance with that lesbian even though the man ids as a man! this could lead to harassment, or the lesbian in question may already be prone to some internalized homophobia. now they’re starting to wonder if their attraction should include men because they id as a lesbian (and apparently, lesbian could include attraction to men), or if they’ve just been ‘confused’, as people may have told them before, and they start to doubt their own identity and whether ‘lesbian’ is the right reflection of their experiences (which it is, except that the term has been hijacked and presented as including experiences that actually belong in the bi/pan community)

and, once again, the way the terminology is structured (a ‘bi/pan lesbian’) seems to imply that the person in question doesn’t want to be attracted to men. if they did, why not use an umbrella term like bi or pan as their identity? the only distinguishing feature here is that one is inclusive while the other says ‘i’m attracted to women primarily and would like to identify as a lesbian, except for that pesky bit of me that’s attracted to men too...’ again, this is a harmful ideology to let grow, not only for those already identifying as bi/pan but for baby queers who may not fully understand their own identities yet! or for people outside the community who are trying to understand to the best of their abilities as allies!

to that end, it also propagates that harmful rhetoric of ‘oof, doesn’t it suck to be attracted to men lmao’ like MAN that’s really hurtful to guys??? and that rhetoric already exists. notions like this (where a wonderful umbrella term is turned into something that seeks to minimize attraction to men/male-aligned genders) can be so harmful not only to cis men and transmasc/trans men who are a part of the community but men outside the community as well

okay with regards to pronouns: i think this is where we start to get into the deconstruction of gender as a social construct. i feel like the most apt analogy here is the one i provided in the other post: names. names have, throughout history, been gendered (for the most part). sally was a girl, timmy was a boy. but we’ve started to deconstruct that as we’ve started to recognize that there are more than 2 genders (as a societal whole, i’m aware that this hasn’t been news in a while for people in the queer community). you have names like alex, sam, riley, names that you can’t look at and go ‘ah, they are [certain] gender!’ which is awesome for everyone! esp for people who are sensitive about their gender identity and for whom it is bothersome, upsetting, or even triggering to be misgendered!

pronouns are grammatically just a substitute for a noun, they take the place of the noun for the sake of ease of speech/writing. so the first question here is why, if we’ve extrapolated and separated the idea of someone’s name from their gender and acknowledged that the thing that we refer to them by is just...a noise they like, then why is it necessary for pronouns (another thing that is just a noise the person likes) to be inherently tied to a gender? a gender is a representation of an experience, but people who use the same pronouns may have nothing in common in terms of their gender experience!

now, you could argue that people who use they/them pronouns may be able to rally around a shared experience/frustration with getting others to use and accept those pronouns, but they likely aren’t all going to share a gender - maybe some are fem-aligned, or masc-aligned, or genderfluid or agender or any other gender on the massive spectrum of possible gender identities. but the way that they ask others to refer to themselves purely as an individual does not help give any insight into their experiences or community! 

you stated that ‘as far as pronouns isn't the whole point that they ARE gendered?’, so my question here is what purpose do pronouns actually serve? they allow you to refer to a person without using their name, right? so if we’re talking outside the world of grammar, i would argue that a person’s pronouns are an extension of their name: the purpose of a name and/or pronouns is to ensure that they make the user of said name/pronouns comfortable in their identity when being referred to. they are whatever gender they are (if any at all) - they may choose a name and pronouns to help them feel more comfortable in who they are. in fact, they may choose a name and pronouns that they didn’t use from birth simply because they do not feel comfortable with them for non-gender-related reasons, too!

and i can hear you thinking ‘okay, so why can’t we do that with labels like sexuality and just let people use whatever feels okay?’ and this is sort of the way i think about it: there are certain words we have defined with clarity in order to help us as a community understand ourselves and each other. we all agree that cis = you are the gender you were assigned at birth, trans = you are not the gender you were assigned at birth. lesbian means attraction to women/fem-aligned genders, ace means feeling no sexual attraction, bi and pan are siblings of each other that define attraction to all genders (which may or may not include preferences). male and female as genders have clear enough meanings that we use them in our other definitions, and nonbinary is a lovely catch-all umbrella that can encompass anything outside ‘male’ and ‘female’, even though there are also more specific identities that fall under that umbrella

(quick aside - fwiw i don’t think gender definitions are necessarily malleable in the same way pronoun ‘definitions’ are, i think there are gender experiences that we have not yet given formal terms to and that people may switch around between existing gender identifying terms as they look for ones that get close to their own and i think there’s still a question of what it even means to be a certain gender without reference to other genders, but as it stands, people who identify with certain gender terms do so because of a set of shared experiences that fall underneath that gender term)

what we have not done is defined an individual’s right to their experiences. if someone feels attraction to all genders with a preference for men, there’s a word to express that! if a person feels like they might shift between a variety of genders on a regular basis, there’s a word for that! if a person does not feel romantic attraction, there’s a word for that! and the reason we use these words with pre-defined definitions is so that we can identify people who share our experiences - if someone identifies as a lesbian, they can seek out other lesbians and know that they are among a group that understands what they have been through or are going through. if someone experiences attraction to all genders with a female/fem-aligned preference, they are likely not going to find a community that understands their experiences if they look for people who identify as lesbian

but if a person decides that hey, i feel most myself when people call me ‘emma’ even though that wasn’t my assigned birth name, that is when we step back and say ‘yes, that’s awesome! you do you!’ because there is no pre-defined definition of that name - yes, there’s a societal gender often associated with it, but it doesn’t provide anyone any benefit to assign a definition of an experience to that name. nobody is out there going ‘where are all the ‘emmas’, the ‘emmas’ understand my experience and i want to find them so that i can feel as though i’m part of the ‘emma’ community’

now, idk about you, but if i hear that someone uses she/her pronouns, that means....almost nothing to me, except that i know that they prefer those pronouns! in the same way that someone saying ‘oh, my name is emma’ means nothing to me except that their name is emma! whereas if someone says to me, ‘i’m asexual’, i know from their choice of identifier that they fall under the ace umbrella and awesome, this person might understand how i feel about certain subjects! (obviously ace is a huge spectrum in itself, but you get the idea)

in summary:

an orientation or a gender relates to an individual’s experiences, and the general definitions we have assigned to certain orientations and genders should remain somewhat clearly-defined in order to provide a sense of community for those that fall under the orientation/gender in question. that is not to say that new orientations/gender terms can’t arise to describe new experiences that do not already have a definition. the irritation with the ‘bi/pan lesbian’ discourse is that the experience described (attraction to all genders with fem-aligned preference) already has a defined term (bi or pan) that is contradictory to the term ‘lesbian’

the reason pronouns don’t need to fall under a clear definition is that they are not a signal to indicate a uniting experience - their purpose and function is equivalent to that of a name: it’s a way to refer to a person that makes that person feel comfortable, and it’s perfectly fine not to have a rigid definition for pronouns in the same way that you wouldn’t assign a name to have a rigid experience or definition associated with it

i know it’s a long read, but i hope that helps clarify my thoughts on the matter!

[tmitransitioning]

Hey so I'm getting kind of freaked out by the discourse around detransitioning. I'm 100% positive for those who decide to detransition but I'm transmasc and it feels like so many of those folks are anti-trans and I've been attacked by people saying that because gender is a social construct, being trans just means you're unhappy with your assigned gender role and ur actually a butch woman but like... I really do believe I'm trans. But what if it's just internalized misogyny? Idk what to do

Ah yes, “detransition discourse”, or “trans people are ruining their lives by being trans” in a vaguely progressive hat.

The reasons for detransitioning are often more complex and varied than this discourse implies. While there are some people who transition socially and/or medically and then realize that they do completely identify as the gender they were assigned at birth and regret transitioning, this is really... not as common as some people assume.

Sometimes people realize that they do identify more as their assigned at birth gender but they still really prefer how they look and feel on HRT/with surgical modifications.

Sometimes people took steps to be read as the “opposite” gender for social reasons (such as employment, medical access, etc.) and then later no longer took those steps, due to personal preference or medical or financial or some other reason. However, they have identified as nonbinary the entire time, regardless of how other people have chosen to gender them.

Sometimes people need to go back to presenting as their assigned at birth gender for a while for their own safety.

Sometimes people have doubts inflicted on them by the persistent voices of close connections and the world at large who say they’re just faking, and they discontinue medical and social transition for a while before realizing no, wait, they are actually trans and other people are assholes.

These are ALL situations based on people that I know. So. Yanno. There’s a lot more going on with detransition than “woman thinks she’s a man bc internalized misogyny and then regrets ever going on Testosterone, Which Is Poison.”

Gender IS  a social construct. And we live in a society. And we’re a social species. People don’t stop needing money to survive in capitalism because money is a social construct. Racism isn’t solved by people going “wait, guys!! Race is a social construct!!” “It’s a social construct” does not mean “it has no influence on material reality.” It just means that it’s not necessarily rooted in material reality, as in, there is no gender gene that we can point to and say “here it is, here’s the little fucker that made me feel like human gender doesn’t apply to me and I’d rather be a featureless sphere”.

Funny enough, a lot of the people who use “gender is a social construct” sure are heavily invested in the most widely accepted construction of gender, where there are men and women and everyone’s biology and behavior is strictly divisible along that binary.

People are going to try to make you not be trans because they’re assholes and have their own shit to work out. Sometimes they’ll dress it up in gender studies soundbites and feel really smug and self-righteous about it. But what matters is you. What matters is how you feel.

You’re never going to get a signed certificate from your True Innermost Self that says “you are definitely this gender!” What you have to do is work out what you need and how to get there.

I can honestly assure you that it is not at all common to react to the limitations of gender roles by saying “I’ll just transition then.” What people want when they feel constrained by gender roles is to be allowed to be the person that they are without being hemmed in by societal expectations based on gender, not to be perceived as a different gender. If you are experiencing discomfort with the gender that people perceive you as itself, not only with the associated expectations, then it’s not internalized misogyny.

Would you feel more comfortable being known as [insert gender here]? Do you want to modify your body, through medical or other means? Do you want to change your name, your pronouns, anything else? Do those things. If what you want changes later, do what you want then. You can’t live your life in anticipation of maybe changing your mind, nor can you live your life as if really loud people with bad opinions and an excess of investment in other people’s choices know better about what you need than you do.

I believe you. It’s okay to be nervous and second-guess. But I believe you, and I think you believe you, too.

- Mod Rabbit

[laundryandtaxes]

hey, i hope this isnt too invasive but im struggling w my identity and id like ur persepctive. how did you know u were a butch lesbian and not a transman? im attached to my lesbian identity and my relationship to womanhood but i also often feel dysphoric and want top surgery. how do i reconcile these things that i feel are diametrically opposed? how do i know i am a butch lesbian vs a transmasc nb lesbian person?

Thank you for sending this message and reaching out- I know it can be hard to talk about, I’ve been there myself as someone who disidentified for several years, and I’m glad you reached out to talk about it rather than hold it in. Just to get this out of the way, I don’t think these things are diametrically opposed at all.

The first thing I think you should consider is whether you really consider womanhood an option. I know that sounds a bit silly but so many of us absolutely did not realize it was actually, really, physically possible to grow old as women, to have sex as women, to have friends as women, because so many of us either had no friends like us or, in many cases, had friends like us only to see absolutely all of them stop identifying as women. I think there are a number of forces pushing in the direction of disidentification- it is hard to be a gnc girl and this leads to many of us not having solid senses of self as adults, it is hard to not see anyone who looks like you want to claim community with you specifically as women and this can make you feel like you literally are not real, it is just materially more appealing to be perceived as a non gnc man than a gnc woman and if you can pass 100% of the time it’s an appealing option because it means a better paycheck and safety when you walk down the street and so on, it hurts when your friends literally don’t treat you like they treat other women, and in many queer circles right now it is popular for people to straight up either ask when you’re transitioning or tell you that being a boring cis woman is regressive and not even possible if you see yourself as masculine, and the proper thing to do is to at least change your pronouns and pick up a gender identity that’s not regressive. This is a really confusing mixture of social impulses and material impulses, but I don’t think that we should always see the drive to disidentify as an individual decision with no social input having happened- there are lots of forces that make a lot of us, butch women especially, give up on a womanhood which people keep telling us we are doing wrong. So I would ask yourself what you think there is about women that means you can’t be one- there’s nothing wrong with being a woman who isn’t feminine, or even a woman like myself who primarily sees herself as a masculine person, and I think perhaps more now than ever we all need to at least be told that this in an option.

The second thing I think you should consider is what those terms mean to you and I think you should understand that none of them have one agreed upon definition. The way that I see myself is absolutely the same as how some people who identify as transmasc see themselves, down to my experiences with dysphoria, and honestly I have had conversations with more than one trans man who’ve told me our experiences and senses of self are more similar than different . I think the idea that you’re obligated to pick a term and then, if you should happen to pick the wrong one, you’re suddenly cut off from any community with women and lesbians is stupid and cruel. I think it is cruel to call straight trans men lesbians en masse but it is undeniable that there have always been and will always be trans men who still see themselves as very connected to women, who see themselves as living a certain kind of lesbian experience, etc- and the drive among those people to retain communities that have brought them up is not nasty male predatory behavior, it’s a desire to keep community with people they see as similar and important to them, and that’s fine. So this whole issue of picking the wrong term and then being shunned by lesbian communities of course has some basis- if you plan to date other lesbians then transition will shorten your options because there will likely be physical changes and social changes that most lesbians are just not going to be comfortable with, whether that is calling you her boyfriend or you growing facial hair, whether you see yourself as living a kind of lesbian experience or not- but when it comes to just retaining friendships and friend circles and not pretending you don’t relate to butch writing anymore, I don’t think that is a predicament you should be facing at all. Culturally, you probably will right now and that’s sad and unfortunate and I think encourages people to draw lines along identity politics rather than who you feel to be your people. But as far as I’m concerned, if lesbians are your people then we’re just you’re people and that’s that, and that space is generally there in some capacity if you want to claim it. But really the primary differences between myself and a “transmasc nb lesbian person” are literally just the terms we pick to describe ourselves (which is minimally important to me personally) and, in some cases, transition itself. To be perfectly clear though, I don’t believe there are hard lines between terms that refer to gender identity anyway- they’re terms that make us comfortable or uncomfortable, but one experience can go by a million names and you never know except by talking to individual people. If you want to call yourself an nb lesbian that’s totally fine, just know that your experiences are shared by lots of women who just call themseves butches and that you can have community there if you want it.

And then, lastly, I don’t think transition (social or physical) is a worst case scenario at all, or something you should see as a last ditch effort. It will come with its own set of challenges but honestly you’ve already faced many of those challenges as a gnc woman, and the others you should hopefully find communities of other people to help you out. In some communities, you will certainly be pushed away if you start seeing yourself as trans in some way due to concerns about you suddenly becoming a totally different person who wants to infiltrate women’s spaces. I think that’s stupid and, ironically, transphobic in its implication than transition will somehow make you a worse person than before. But in many communities, you will absolutely not be pushed away and I don’t think you should be. This is a matter of your comfort and your health, and I hope the women around you respect that.

This got long, sorry, but I wanted to give you a full answer because I’ve been there myself and didn’t call myself a woman for several years (I know almost no butches who didn’t disidentify at some point, including some who either transitioned and then stopped or are just living stealth as men still while reidentifying because that’s the cleanest option for them) and I think this sentiment is really common among us for right now, but really all I needed to read and respond to is “im attached to my lesbian identity and my relationship to womanhood” because that’s it, then! No matter what you call yourself I’ll consider you a sister or sibling of mine in some capacity, but I want to stress that there is nothing about you that is not true or cannot be true of at least some women, and if you want space here, which you just told me, it is here for you whether you’re dysphoric or end up choosing top surgery or whatever. If you know that your people are here then I’m quite happy to have you as one of us, whatever that means to you and whatever makes that easier for you. I honestly get the feeling that, like many of us, you are asking for permission to hold space with other women and other lesbians, and you absolutely have it. Much love your way, and keep in touch somehow!

[feelboss]

I don’t have the energy or words to really get into it right now, but I really don’t have a good feeling about the transthetics thing going around right now.

It feels incredibly fishy and exploitative to me. It’s set up a lot like a pyramid scheme and there’s a lot of issues with their current products already, including ripping off another model completely (which he admitted to; “I don’t deny that when I first designed the product...  I used a Mr Limpy as a point of departure” CACHED VERSION: HERE) and naming a model after a famous trans man (possibly/probably without his permission) as well as sharing clickbait style, misleading news articles (CACHED VERSION: HERE) with incorrect and potentially dangerous information (it has since been updated, but the article is still very wishy-washy and self promoting.) Also the color options are “C002 – Caucasian, C004 Medium and C006 Dark.“ which feels very strange to me (one is a race/people group and the other two are just “medium” and “dark,” which is othering)

There’s also the fact that none of his other products are at all remotely similar to what’s being proposed, and that what’s being proposed is something that doesn’t even remotely exist on the market yet. This is brand new technology that’s not even in hypothetical form yet. We don’t even have the technology to begin to think about creating something like this yet. To dedicate to a project so fully that you’re asking for outside support is VERY risky even if you have a working prototype, let alone when you don’t even have blueprints.

This project claims to do what advanced medical science hasn’t even done yet, on one man’s time and money.

Also note: When you raise that $1000? You don’t get the Bionic. You get one of the existing products in the transthetic shop. All of which are $300 or less. It is 100%, outright a scam, in that manner.

edit:

NOTE: After seeing this, Alex (the person behind transthetics) suddenly decided to remove the incorrect information about kegels and the references to "natal males/females” - You can still find references to the comments in the comment section. Screencaps of comments referencing: 1 (Alex removing the discussion)   2 (Comment on “natal males”)   3 (Mention of kegels despite it being deleted from the main post)  Because of this, I am now including cached versions of the pages I link. CACHE: HERE

Let’s go into some of the claims on the post for the bionic itself:

https://transthetics.com/making-a-bionic-penis-a-reality/

“A trans man (assuming he has had no lower surgery) has easy access to Kegel muscles, which a natal male does not.“

This isn’t true. Everyone has access to the pelvic floor muscles (not kegel muscles; kegels are the exercise you do to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles) and even if you’ve had bottom surgery you still have access to them. It’s the same set of muscles you use to stop the flow of urine. That’s it.

“This would require a controller no larger than a regular tampon and just as easy to insert“

The claim is that this prosthetic would greatly relieve dysphoria, but it requires a controller that you insert like a tampon. I’m not even transmasc, but doing things like that really fucks with my dysphoria. It wouldn’t be a pleasant or dysphoria free experience, especially if the idea is to do kegels to keep it up.

“No, I mean natal ie biologically male (natal means birth). I am a natal (biological) female, but I was certainly never a cis female for a day in my life. It sounds like you may be confused about exactly what a cis male is ie male born, male identifying. Therefore cis men ARE natal males, but not all natal males are cis (eg trans women and nonbinary people assigned male at birth).“

“Trans men are biologically not male“

He also uses weird, transphobic terminology with insistence on calling people biological sex.

“Most likely it will actually end up being uncut in its flaccid state and then in erect state, the foreskin will roll back, exposing the glans.“

Complete misunderstanding of how the penis and foreskin work, offering more impossible technology (if a prosthetic worked like this is would be nearly impossible to keep clean or to keep from tearing or to even reliably create/mold)

“we are also looking at magnetic attachment options which would still be minimally invasive ie essentially getting discreet magnetic piercings in specific locations that the prosthetic would then snap on to.“

He wants it to be non-invasive, but also suggests the idea of magnetic piercings to keep it in place. Due to the weight of it, this would be nonviable of course.

It’s very obvious from his comments and his vague, wishy-washy description that he doesn’t even know what the design is supposed to be yet. There is no design. There’s just an idea, and it’s barely even that.

edit:

transthetics has also said some more weird transphobic (and specifically transmisogynistic) shit HERE;  (cached version HERE)

“natal males“

“we’re actually at an experiential, emotional and psychological advantage when it comes to satisfying sex and navigating intimate relationships. Our “predicament” forces us to communicate very openly and honestly, very early on about our vulnerabilities, and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable”

“I do know what it’s like to be treated as a women by society and to be in a woman’s body. This gives me social, physical, emotional and psychological insights that no natal male can possibly have.“

“Having been socialised as female for the majority of my life, I connect with women really well. I have many platonic relationships with women and to be honest, feel much more comfortable around women than men.“

edit:

Hey, here’s another cool something Transthetics isn’t telling anyone openly: (cached version HERE)

The prosthetic alone might cost $1000+ dollars “realistically,” and that’s not including the surgical implantation of the magnets which the creator admits is around $5000.

He hopes it’ll be covered by insurance. Hopes. Which is ridiculous since so many insurances don’t even cover HRT or chest surgery.

So not only is he asking people to dump money into something that isn’t even conceptualized yet, that concept will cost thousands of dollars on top of it. Oh, but don’t worry, if you get people to donate $1000 under your name in the pyramid scheme, you get entered to win one of his existing $300 packers.

Still want to say my gripes are “ill-informed,” “without substance,” or “personal gripes” while you’re trying to scam the hopes of a marginalized community?

[apokine]

Anna told me to do the whole thing so here we are I guess

How did you choose your name? IDK I just wanted to still have a name that wasn’t like ~weird~ but still unique 

What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria) even tho I got my tiddies removed i still feel kinda weird abt my chest if i’m not wearing a top lol…also a weird one but lipstick

Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria? social maybe? it’s just sort of there all the time so

What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric? what i always do when im feelin down - EAT LOTS OF FOOD

What was the first time you suspected you were transgender? uhhh i think the first time i suspected it as a like TANGIBLE THOUGHT was this one time when i was out w/ friends and had to go to the bathroom and i absolutely had an epiphany in the bathroom that i wasn’t a girl hahahahaha

When did you realize you were transgender? idk how this is different from the last one and i dont rly remember when it was that i like officially stopped thinking of myself as a girl

What is your favorite part of being transgender? other trans ppl probably. stay awesome, trans peeps

How would you explain your gender identity to others? mostly genderless, but i fluctuate around

How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed? im out w/ family/friends, who all found out in diff ways i guess? some ppl i just told, i also wrote stuff on tumblr & fb about it

What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been? no experience with either lol 

What are your experiences with binding or tucking? binding sucked haha i defo wore my binder way more than i should have and got that Big Back Pain so i eventually mostly stopped and then got my bops chopped off

Do you pass? nahhh (is it even possible to pass as nonbinary??? question for another day)

What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition? got top surgery, idk abt hormones cuz i dont see myself as transmasc and am not interested in looking Very Masculine but i would like to look Less Feminine

How long have you been out? uhhhhhhh year a half maybe???????

What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set? none, tho i wouldnt say i’m particularly ‘settled’ haha

Have you ever experienced transphobia? sure have

What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public? usually the women’s restroom, sometimes mens if it is more convenient

How does your family feel about your trans identity? mixed reviews lol, some of my family is super supportive, some of them are like “why are you doing this” etc

Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth? i mean i guess i’m stealth at work bc i worry abt my job

What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans? i wish that younger me just knew there were options i suppose

Why do you use the pronouns you use? I use they/them bc she/he felt too gendered for me and neopronouns just sound too strange to me personally. I respect and admire anybody that uses neopronouns bc those ppl are paving the way for future generations to have more options that are normalized tho. I just can’t do it myself cuz I have a big fear of standing out which is totally at odds with like everything I wanna be lol

Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender? i dont think so but who fuckin knows

What’s your biggest trans-related fear? NOBODY’S EVER GONNA LOVE ME

What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition? i feel like this has already been covered by previous questions

What do you wish cis people understood? that my gender isnt anybody’s business!! who cares!! 

What impact has being trans affected your life? idk honestly. dont know where to even begin trying to measure that

What do you do to validate yourself? well sometimes i like to argue with strangers on the internet 

How do you feel about trans representation in media? i love the increasing representation in the media and it makes me very happy to see being trans normalized and validated, but obviously there still just isnt enough good representation

Who is your favorite trans celebrity? angel haze maybe

Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most? hmmm well i think that trans people i know irl are the ones who have given me the most courage. when i see other people come out or change their name or use they/them pronouns or WHATEVER i’m like “wow if they can do it i can too”.

How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online? i wouldnt say im really involved w the community in any way aside from just being present here on tungle dot com

How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years? pretty much the same

What trans issue are you most passionate about? affordable & accessible healthcare!!! 

What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them? hey buddy i did it (am doing it?) and so can you

How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality? i feel like skinny white androgynous ppl are the ‘default’ nonbinary ppl which sucks. i esp feel the weight thing bc i feel like it really prevents me from being seen the way i want to be seen. on the class front, i feel fortunate that can afford surgery and whatever else i need

What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression? i feel like my gender expression is super feminine to other people. but to me i feel like my expression is pretty much aligned w/ my identity  

Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither? neither

What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it? sexual - idk i think i need somebody to figure it out and tell me. don’t really feel like labeling it right now, but sex is just not big for me. romantic - panromantic cuz i just like everybody. somehow much easier to figure out than my sexual orientation

Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference? no preference tho if theyre cis they better not be a douchebag about it

How did/do you manage waiting to transition? honestly i’m a huge procrastinator LOLLL. as long as i keep telling myself ‘haha yeah it’ll happen eventually’ i’m just like ‘cool so i dont have to do it NOW…’ as long as i have the knowledge that it WILL happen im like..i can wait. If I think abt the possibility that it might not happen I freak the fuck out…for a bit I thought it might not be possible for me to get top surgery (due to medical issues) and I was in panic mode.

What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things? idk i guess i learned a lot on tumbles

Do you interact with other trans people IRL? not super often, i mostly know trans ppl that are just like acquaintances or casual friends. our interaction is limited to liking each others instagram or facebook posts lol

Are you involved in any trans-related activism? nah tho i think it’d be cool

Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer. i refuse to make up my own question