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softestsaddestbitch · 4 years ago

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December TC Challenge

stole this from @elder-edda (sorry for creeping! just, given the usual demographic of the tc community I was excited to find another 20-smthg)

1) what color is your tc’s hair?

He has just, simple brown hair but he’s starting to go grey which, no lie, is 100% doing it for me.

2) is your tc married?

Yes? He doesn’t wear a ring and I believe she kept her last name which makes me think it’s more of a civil partnership since they’ve been together since the early 2000s at least. But he also will refer to her as “my wife” and was telling me once that they waited until “after they got married” before moving in together.

3) if yes, do you care? would you do something with them regardless of their marriage?

I know these questions are general but I do take offense at the idea of being a homewrecker/other woman. I’ve met his wife, she’s really nice.

4) what’s your worst memory with your tc?

I put my foot in my mouth SO OFTEN. Good lord. Especially my last semester at that school? He was acting weird and I had just realized after fucking ... four years?? that I romantically liked him. So I kept bringing up my weird age fixation and other bs bc I have adhd and am possibly autistic?? and can’t read a room to save my life.

5) what’s your best memory with your tc?

One year we had a really bad snowstorm, so bad in fact that I had my first-ever snow day. The college that I used to go to has four campuses across as many cities, and C has to drive in twice a week to my (old) town from his. Now, morning classes had been canceled but afternoon classes had been given the go-ahead. C, who does not check his emails until he arrives at campus, evidently did not get this message until he was already in town and therefore didn’t have a morning class, but did have an afternoon class. On this day I had a late morning class that had been reinstated, but my prof didn’t get that memo so I also was on campus but didn’t have a class. So I went to visit his office, which I had been doing throughout the semester (I didn’t have a class with him at the time) and we just ... hung out for like 2 hours. It was so nice and one of the anecdotes he told me still haunts me lol.

sidenote: at the time, I hadn’t yet realized that I liked him, but I still went out of my way to visit him. Damn I was a dumbass.

6) does anyone in your school know how you feel?

ish? I told a classmate but in a “haha joking” kinda way. And a friend who went to that school knows. No one at my current school knows.

7) does your tc know how you feel?

I think he might? might have a lil inkling which would explain why he started acting so weird my last semester. Or at the very least was told/realized how bad it could look that he was getting so chummy w/ a student.

8) do you think there’s any chance your tc reciprocates your feelings?

He and his wife have been together for around 20 years now. No. No, I don’t think so. Maybe in an alternate universe.

9) are you getting your tc a christmas present? if so, what is it?

I have in the past! Specifically like, a tin of cookies lol. I’ve also given him an actual present when I left. I do intend to send him a Christmas card every year but not this year because ... you know ... the apocalypse.

10) have you ever flirted with your tc?

Flirtation inherently has intent. So, no. How he interpreted our interactions I don’t know.

11) how long have you had a crush on them? what began it all?

SO! TIMELINE!

I was at my old school from September 2014-April 2019, I had C for the first time in September 2015. Like I mentioned above, I did not realize I had a crush on him until literally the middle of my final exam of my class with him December 2018, so I’ve only consciously had a crush for about two years now. However, as I also mentioned, I went out of my way to stop by his office, even when I didn’t have a class with him. And my relationship with/feelings towards him are complicated so I’m not going to say I did so solely because I like him, but I would put it maybe closer to somewhere in 2017. You don’t plan your schedule around someone you don’t feel strong feelings for.

12) do you believe you’ll get over them shortly after you stop taking their class/have the chance to spend time with them?

As of today, it has been been exactly a year and a half since I last him in person. In the time since, I have cried over missing him, routinely gone back to keep up with his current research projects, and made his picture a part of my home screen. I almost exclusively listen to the playlist I made for him - so much so my Spotify Wrapped is pretty much that playlist with a few extras.

13) what kind of grades do you get in their class?

Haaaaaa pre-supension I was failing his classes. My first semester back I got .... a mid/high 70? and I finished my last class with him with an A+ and the essay I had written for his class had the highest grade between the two classes so..

14) does your tc ever do any tiny, little things that you adore?

When he puts a hand in his pocket and leans against the wall. When he tucks his hair behind his ear because he keeps falling in his face (he has long hair, a little past his shoulders). When he can’t stop himself from googling something even if its in the middle of class. How you can ask him anything at any time. The way he would chuckle at my jokes. How his handwriting hasn’t improved in decades. How easily he brushes off toxic masculinity. His candidness and willingness to share little anecdotes. The way he used to always smile whenever he saw me. That he goes home everyday to have lunch with his wife.

15) are you their favorite student?

I was! And it was obvious to other students that we had a friendly, casual relationship too. For a time, if his other students had questions about him they would ask me, and I usually had the answer. I didn’t matter in the long run, but I was.

16) do you two share any tastes? movies, books, music, etc.

He’s a legal historian, I’m a baby legal/political historian. We also like the same historical cooking youtube channel.

17) is your teacher religious?

I doubt he would say he’s religious, but I feel like we have a similar relationship to religion which is to say no formal association, but had profound effects on our childhoods and subsequently, presumably, how we view things as adults.

18) do you masturbate to them?

Yes.

19) do you communicate with them outside of school?

I sent him a meme once. And asked about the socialist uprising scandal he was apart of. I also almost emailed him while at a museum exhibition with my history friend. These are all through email.

20) do you have any tc songs or songs you relate to your tc? what are they?

SO my number one song this year was “You are the Reason” by Calum Scott because, you guessed it, of him. But also:

I Lost a Friend - Finneas When You’re Ready - Shawn Mendes You Are in Love - Taylor Swift Break My Heart Right - James

& given the season, especially w/ what transpired last year, Last Christmas by Wham!

21) what’s your favorite thing your tc has said/memory you have with them?

One time he kinda trailed off in the middle of lecture after stating that he thought of xyz a particular way which contrasted one of the popular schools of thought, and the way he plainly said, “well, yeah, which I guess ... is I’m arguing it” almost like he was semi-surprised with himself has always stuck with me.

But also, in addition the memory I shared earlier, we spent an hour and a half talking about grad school and what to expect and how to get there.

22) do you plan to continue a relationship with them after you leave school?

I trid, I really did. But he doesn’t “socialize with students part or present” so I can’t exactly see him. But I did get some academic-related from him at the beginning of the year.

23) how will you deal during the summer? will you see him/her?

He’s a hermit who used my last vacation before I moved to go on all the vacations he had to postpone because he was working on his last book. And this past summer ... Covid. This question is obviously directed at high school students, but in general, he lives in the back of head always, and when I’m in my hometown for the summer my heart aches because theres a none-zero chance I’ll see him, but I know I won’t.

24) does your tc support gay rights?

Yes. He’s never been put in a position that I know of where he had to outright condemn homophobia, but in one of his classes, he actively made the choice to make the very first reading of the semester about how women in ancient times had more agency than assumed, and also how the woman in the case study was a lesbian.

25) what class do you have with them? And what period? Do you have them every day?

History classes. I won’t get into specifics because it’s kind of an eclectic mix and I’m paranoid someone from the area could come across this. But I had him twice a week every semester that I had him. Again this kind of question is more so applicable to high school students, not so much university students.

26) have you ever drifted out during a lecture thinking about them and missed information?

No. In his classes he is too enthralling, and I’m a good student otherwise.

27) have you stalked them online? what did you find out?

In theory. He’s a fifty-year-old history professor whose reaction to a description of the big lipped/tiny face filter on snapchat was “that sounds disgusting.” The man doesn’t have social media, and if he does those privacy settings are on so students can’t find him he thinks he’s very professional. I do visit his mini-bio section on the college website fairly often tho.

28) have you ever run into them outside of schools? what happened?

I did once. He introduced me to his wife, who said “oh you’re E! C has talked about you” and it apparently he had done so positively, and blew my mind because this was back when I was failing classes and also, as a person, I don’t believe that people think about me when I’m not there. They gave me a restaurant recommendation and afterwards his wife surprised me a they were leaving the restaurant because ... we had listened to them, and they also went there for lunch that day.

29) has your tc ever spoken of teacher-student relationships? what did they say?

It had recently come out that it had been found out that another professor had been in a relationship with a student and he’s the one that brought it up before class one day (with all of us not just me). He didn’t say anything for or against it, just that it was generally discouraged, but that most schools did have policies in place to handle the situation.

30) do you regret telling anyone about your tc? if you’ve kept it a secret, why have you done so?

Absolutely not. I can’t tell my best friends because they’d do nothing but give me shit for it and it would call every time I mention him into question. But the friends that I have told ... its been so freeing, and like a weight has been lifted from my heart. One friend in particular I unloaded on her all my emotional shit pertaining to him this past summer and she was so understanding it legit since then I’ve been less distraught when thinking about him. It still hurts, but it feels less like I’m suffocating now.

#personal #professor crush #professor crush community #teacher crush #monthly challenge #december

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thecoleopterawithana · 5 years ago

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The next night Elliot [Mintz] took us out with a friend of his, Sal Mineo, and we all went to a gay cabaret/discotheque. John was oblivious to the gay ambience. He was curious about everyone's sexuality and liked to gossip about who was sleeping with whom, whether they were gay or straight. John made no judgements about homosexuality but was really curious about who was and who wasn't gay. He knew that his appearance at a gay club might start rumors about his own sexuality, and it made him laugh. He told me that there had been rumors about him and his first manager, Brian Epstein, and that he usually didn't deny them. He liked the fact that people could be titillated by having suspicions about his masculinity. Then I was the one who was laughing. "How could anyone believe a man who likes women as much as you do is gay?" I told him. After the show we went back to Mineo's apartment. I was thirsty, and Mineo told me to look in the refrigerator. There was nothing in it but one big bottle of amyl nitrite. Mineo told John that he knew Ava Gardner. "I'm a real fan of hers. I love Ava," John replied excitedly. Mineo went to the phone, called London, woke Gardner up, and told her that John wanted to speak to her. John took the phone. "Ava, is that you? Ava, I think you're beautiful. I've seen all your movies. Christ, is it really you?" They spoke for five minutes, then a thrilled John handed the phone back to Mineo.

In May Pang’s Loving John (1983).

[Once again, a million thanks to @eppysboys for sending over passages of interest.]

Elliot Mintz (born February 16, 1945) is an American consultant. In the 1960s and early 1970s Mintz was an underground radio DJ and host. In the 1970s he became a spokesperson for John Lennon and Yoko Ono, and took on other musicians and actors as clients as a publicist, including Bob Dylan. [...]

Though not in a professional capacity, since the death of Lennon, Mintz has acted as a spokesperson for the Lennon estate. In addition, while sifting through Lennon's belongings, he discovered hundreds of unreleased tape recordings including half-finished new songs, early versions of famous hits, and idle thoughts. Beginning in 1988, he hosted a weekly syndicated radio series based upon these recordings called The Lost Lennon Tapes, which was broadcast for about four years. After the show came to an end, Mintz began hosting the spinoff radio program The Beatle Years. Mintz has appeared in feature documentaries about Lennon and Yoko Ono, including The U.S. vs. John Lennon, Imagine: John Lennon and The Real Yoko Ono. In 1985 he was a technical advisor on the television film John and Yoko: A Love Story. He also authored an essay about his relationship with them published in 2005 in a book entitled Memories of John Lennon. [Source]

Salvatore Mineo Jr. (January 10, 1939 – February 12, 1976) was an American actor, singer and director. Mineo is best known for his Academy Award-nominated performance as John "Plato" Crawford opposite James Dean in the film Rebel Without a Cause (1955). Mineo also received a Golden Globe Award and an Academy Award nomination for his supporting role in Exodus (1960). A 1950s teen idol, Mineo's acting career declined in his adult years. He was murdered in 1976. [...]

By the early 1960s, Mineo was becoming too old to play the type of role that had made him famous, and his rumoured homosexuality led to his being considered inappropriate for leading roles. [...] In 1969, Mineo returned to the stage to direct a Los Angeles production of the LGBT-themed play Fortune and Men's Eyes (1967), featuring then-unknown Don Johnson as Smitty and himself as Rocky. The production received positive reviews, although its expanded prison rape scene was criticized as excessive and gratuitous. [...] By 1976, Mineo's career had begun to turn around. While playing the role of a bisexual burglar in a series of stage performances of the comedy P.S. Your Cat Is Dead in San Francisco, Mineo received substantial publicity from many positive reviews; he moved to Los Angeles along with the play.

Mineo met English-born actress Jill Haworth on the set of the film Exodus in 1960, in which they portrayed young lovers. Mineo and Haworth were together on-and-off for many years. They were engaged to be married at one point. According to Mineo biographer Michael Gregg Michaud, Haworth cancelled the engagement after she caught Mineo engaging in sexual relations with another man. The two did remain very close friends until Mineo's death. [...] While some have described Haworth as being nothing but a close friend and a "beard" to Mineo to conceal his same-sex partners, Michaud casts doubt upon this claim; he asserts that Mineo and Haworth's relationship was genuine, that Mineo fell in love with Haworth, and that Mineo regarded her as one of the important people in his life. [Source]

“Portrait of a Marriage really disturbed [John]. The book was an account of the fifty-year marriage of Vita Sackville-West and Harold Nicholson, both of whom were bisexual and continually unfaithful to each other, yet were able to evolve a relationship of great depth and longevity despite the incompleteness of their marriage. John was very distressed by the theme of sexual incompatibility in the midst of great emotional attraction and the fact that no matter how hard one tries, a marriage may always remain incomplete.”

In a 1972 interview with Boze Hadleigh, Mineo discussed his bisexuality. At the time of his death, he was in a six-year relationship with male actor Courtney Burr III. [Source]

BH: Who are those two girls you mentioned, for a double date?

SM: (Laughs.) Are you kidding? I got a girl in every port- and a couple of guys in every port, too.

BH: Do you think rumors about being bi have hurt you in your career?

SM: Maybe. . . Nah, I doubt it. Everyone's got those rumors following him around, whether it's true or not. Everyone's supposed to be bi, starting way back with Gary Cooper and on through Brando and Clift and Dean and Newman and . . . you want me to stop?

BH: Did you resent the rumors?

SM: Well, no. Because what's wrong with being bi? Maybe most people are, deep down.

BH: Shirley MacLaine has publicly said that.

SM: I think she's right- got a good noodle, Shirl does. But anyhow, the rumor about me, from what I hear, was usually that I'm gay. Where, like, with Monty Clift or Brando, the rumor was that they're bi. [Brando later publicly admitted to bisexuality.]

— Boze Hadleigh’s interview with Sal Mineo (1972).

“John and I had a big talk about it, saying, basically, all of us must be bisexual. And we were sort of in a situation of thinking that we’re not [bisexual] because of society. So we are hiding the other side of ourselves, which is less acceptable. But I don’t have a strong sexual desire towards another woman.”

Have you ever? “Not really, not sexually.”

One online satire imagined an affair between Ono and Hillary Clinton.

“It’s great,” Ono laughs. “I mean, both John and I thought it was good that people think we were bisexual, or homosexual.” She laughs again.

What about that old rumor that Lennon had sex with Beatles manager Brian Epstein (which was also the subject of the 1991 film, The Hours and The Times)?

Lennon himself said: “Well, it was almost a love affair, but not quite. It was never consummated. But it was a pretty intense relationship.” Later, Lennon’s friend Pete Shotton said Lennon had told him that he had allowed Epstein to “toss [wank] him off.”

“Uh, well, the story I was told was a very explicit story, and from that I think they didn’t have it [sex],” Ono tells me.

— in Yoko Ono: I Still Fear John’s Killer by Tim Teeman for the Daily Beast (13 October 2015).

Q. Have you ever fucked a guy?

A. Not yet, I thought I’d save it til I was 40, life begins at 40 you know, tho I never noticed it.

Q. It is trendy to be bisexual and you’re usually ‘keeping up with the Jones’, haven’t you ever… there was talk about you and PAUL…

A. Oh, I thought it was about me and Brian Epstein… anyway, I’m saving all the juice for my own version of THE REAL FAB FOUR BEATLES STORY etc.. etc..

Q. It seems like you’re saving quite a lot for when you’re 40…

A. Yes, there might be nothing better to do, tho I don’t believe it.

— John Lennon, interview conducted by/on John Lennon, and/or Dr Winston O’boogie, for Andy Warhol’s Interview Magazine (November 1974).

John: [...] I was trying to put it 'round that I was gay, you know– I thought that would throw them off… dancing at all the gay clubs in Los Angeles, flirting with the boys… but it never got off the ground.

Q: I think I’ve only heard that lately about Paul.

John: Oh, I’ve had him, he’s no good. [Laughter]

— John Lennon, interviewed by Lisa Robinson for Hit Parader: A conversation with John Lennon (December 1975).

Like other alkyl nitrites, amyl nitrite is bioactive in mammals, being a vasodilator, which is the basis of its use as a prescription medicine. As an inhalant, it also has a psychoactive effect, which has led to its recreational use with its smell being described as that of old socks or dirty feet. It is also referred to as banapple gas. [Source]

Popper is a slang term given broadly to drugs of the chemical class called alkyl nitrites that are inhaled. [...] Popper use has a relaxation effect on involuntary smooth muscles, such as those in the throat and anus. It is used for practical purposes to facilitate anal sex by increasing blood flow and relaxing sphincter muscles, initially within the gay community.

"If you trace the bottle of amyl (a type of alkyl nitrite) through late 20th century history, you trace the legacies of gay culture on popular culture in the 20th century”

The drug is also used or for recreational drug purposes, typically for the "high" or "rush" that the drug can create.

Poppers were part of club culture from the mid-1970s disco scene and returned to popularity in the 1980s and 1990s rave scene. [Source]

“A cable had arrived for him that very morning stating the obvious: ‘Come too quickly. Stop. Try again. Stop. Am waiting in Paris. Stop me if you’ve heard it. Stop. Stuff yourself with artichokes and live. Stop. Don’t stop. Stop.’ He knew it was from Amie L'Nitrate.”

— in John Lennon’s unfinished story about a sudden rendezvous in Paris. Published in “Skywriting By Word Of Mouth”.

Ava Lavinia Gardner (December 24, 1922 – January 25, 1990) was an American actress and singer. [...] Gardner appeared in several high-profile films from the 1940s to 1970s [...] She is listed 25th among the American Film Institute's 25 Greatest Female Stars of Classic Hollywood Cinema.

Answered asks about:

John’s sexuality

Yoko and his sister Julia’s public statements about John’s sexuality

John "trying to put it ‘round that” he was gay

The Bob Wooler Episode

The Tony Manero Story

[Disclaimer: The answer to these asks represent my personal opinion at the time, which is liable to have evolved since then.]

#John Lennon #May Pang #Elliot Mintz #Sal Mineo #Brian Epstein #Ava Gardner #i'm not a homosexual or we could have had a homosexual relationship #it's only love and that is all #He could be a real soft sweetie #the lost weekend #johnny #1974 #quote #compilation #my stuff #(I added the links to other asks about his sexuality because it apparently is a topic of great interest)#(As exemplified by the number of asks I received about it)#(Ft. notions about sexuality being tied to masculinity and May not considering the option of bisexuality)#(And an emphasis put on John's curiosity about who was and wasn't gay)

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profoundnet · 5 years ago

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Profound Member Post - January 2020

Header by @cryptomoon and is available on merch from her redbubble store. You can use all those fancy emojis (and more!) on our Discord server!

The Masterpost is open for all creations by ProfoundBond members which are posted in their entirety during that month.

This months round up is extra special as PB celebrated its 2 year anniversary with a creation birthday bash. You will find submissions for this monumental occasion marked with a 🎂 emoji! Happy Birthday PB and thank you to everyone who makes this server, and our corner of the fandom so great!

MEMBER CONTRIBUTIONS FOR JANUARY 2020!

Featuring works by @nox-lee, @nickelkeep, @maleyah-givemetomorrow, @banshee1013, ArielAquarial, @castielslostwings, @butterflydreaming-writes-fic, @goldenraeofsun, @jemariel, @surlybobbies, @blueeyesandpie, @rauko-creates, @foxymoley, @maggiemaybe160, and, @andimeantittosting!

Masterpost below the cut.

noxlee - @nox-lee - noxlee - (Pillowfort)

Soft (E, 1.7k)

15x10 coda. Dean discovers that his new "normal" extends to his sex life as well.

Tags: coda, established relationship, mediocre sex

nickelkeep - @nickelkeep - nickelkeep

Tupelo Honey (E, 5.5k) 🎂

When one of his co-workers fall through on a photo shoot, Dean steps up to help out and cover it. Who knew that there was a such thing as a beekeeper's society? And who knew that a gorgeous blue-eyed man would be a beekeeper?

Tags: AU - Modern, Photographer!Dean, Beekeeper!Cas, Nude Photoshoot, Pinups, Cas acts like Endverse!Cas, Semi-Public Sex

Time Alone (T, 1.9k) 🎂

Dean wants some alone time with Cas. The best way to do that? Find a case and tell Sam and Jack to stay behind.

Tags: Canonverse, Casefic, Salt and Burn, Established Relationship, Secret Relationship, Impala Kisses.

‘Til I Found Salvation (M, 14k)

Finding your soulmate isn't hard when almost everyone has multiple soulmates; four, five even upwards of seven. It's rare to have only three soul marks and people who only have two? Sucks to be them. And the poor sons of bitches who only have one? They're the unluckiest of all. Dean Winchester knows a thing or two about being unlucky.

Tags: Canonverse, Canon Divergent, Soulmate Marks, Angst with a Happy Ending, Temp. MCD, Whump, Hurt/Comfort

Something to Talk About (T, 5.6k)

Charlie pointed up at her ear. "You don't hear that?"

"Hear what?" Dean closed his eyes and rested for a moment. He realized that music played in the background and started searching for the source immediately. "Wait, is that... Is that Zeppelin playing?

"Bunker, play 'Houses of the Holy,'" Charlie replied, a smirk on her face.

The first few haunting notes of the Zeppelin classic started playing, and Dean's head whipped around in surprise. "Where's that coming from? Did you buy one of those damned Alexa Despacito things for the bunker?"

Tags: Canonverse, AU - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Charlie & Sam ship Destiel, Home Automation, Domesticity in the Bunker, Pranks and Practical Jokes

Balance to the Force (E, 7.5k)

When needing their privacy in open areas, Charlie and Dean have no problem switching to an uncommon language - Sindarin, from Lord of the Rings. But when they start speaking it at Nerd Convention, does Dean bite off more than he can chew?

Tags: AU - Modern Setting, AU - ComicCons, Gratuitous Nerdiness, Polygot!Cas, Language/Accent Kink, Strangers to Lovers

Space Oddity (SFW) 🎂

Art for @maggiemaybe160‘s fic Space Oddity

Maleyah - @maleyah-givemetomorrow - Maleyah

Where the Corporeal and Poetry Meet (E, 3.6k)

Part one of a series of ficlets exploring a season 9 divergence, where Cas is brought back to the Bunker and explores his humanity with Dean. "Straddling him as they make out, Dean whispers the suggestion that night. He binds Castiel’s hands with his own tie, which spikes Castiel’s breathing. He’s sure that if he still possessed his grace, his eyes would light up the dimly lit room in pale blue. His eventual orgasm knocks the breath out of him and it takes a long time to come back down into the safe circle of Dean’s arms.

They take it from there."

Tags: Human!Cas, Light Bondage, Light Dom/sub, Soft Dom!Dean, Soft sub!Cas, Poetry, Idiots in Love, Domestic Fluff

Where Kinks and Breakfast Meet (M, 3k)

Part two of a season 9 divergence series where Cas gets brought back to the Bunker and explores his humanity with Dean. "But he still wants to engage Cas. Fully. He’s only unwilling to put Cas at a similar risk, despite Cas’ persistent reassurances that his drop was related to the realisation that hit him mid-play. They do further research together. Into shibari. Into bondage. Into subspace. Drops. Both on the Dom and sub’s end. So he realises he suffered one in the wake of their moment and that he went about handling it the wrong way. A few days ago, Dean found a promising list, which he insisted they fill in to avoid a repeat performance. With everything they have been up to, Dean has faith (who knew?) they are compatible, but he wants clarity. He smiles at the feelings that loosens up inside his chest and huffs, rolling his eyes at himself."

Tags: Human!Cas, Kink Negotiation, Domestic Fluff, Soft Dom!Dean, Soft sub!Cas, switching implied, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester

Banshee1013 - @banshee1013 - Banshee1013

Texas Sun (M, 4k) 🎂

Ever since Cas and Dean tied the knot, they have been driving Sam *insane* with their inappropriately located and utterly spontaneous make-out suggestions. So when he finds them looking at filming locations for the movie "Tombstone" in Arizona, he suggests they take some time (and give him a break!) and road-trip it. Dean plans the route and takes the long way 'round through Texas - all the more time to spend with his angel, and show him some sights along the way.

Tags: Fluff, Road Trips, Sam Winchester is Not Amused, Honeymoon, Grinding, Canon Related, Established Relationship

ArielAquariel - ArielAquariel

Your hand in mine, we walk the miles (E, 11.5k)

With the big day finally there, Dean is more than ready to walk down that aisle and marry Cas.

Tags: Wedding Fluff, Honeymoon, Established Relationship, Alternate Universe, Castiel is Claire Novak's Parent, Fluff, Domestic Fluff

castielslostwings - @castielslostwings - castielslostwings

Slide Away (E, 51k)

Since meeting and falling in love in front of the camera a decade ago, movie star Dean Winchester and his husband, celebrity photographer Castiel, have been the media’s darlings. From the outside, it truly appears as if the couple has it all: fame, fortune, fans and most of all, a profound and unshakeable bond that sees them through all the highs and lows. Behind the scenes, everything is not as it seems. Beyond carefully-curated sets of photos and filters, Dean and Castiel have been falling apart for years. Their marriage is essentially over, the latest victim in Hollywood’s merciless grinder. As a last-ditch effort to punch out some positive PR before news of their split breaks, the boys agree to do one last PR stunt—a recreation of the photos that made the world fall in love with them (while they were falling for each other). Will this plan drive their relationship over the edge permanently? Or will Dean and Castiel finally realize that their fans aren’t the only ones who have been fooled by all the smoke and mirrors? Misunderstandings, miscommunication, and mistrust are only the beginning. But if our heroes can push past those mistakes, perhaps they can learn that it's never too late to start all over again.

Tags: Miscommunication, Misunderstanding, Fake Relationship, Idiots back to lovers, Movie Star Dean, Photographer Castiel, Accidental sex tape, divorce, mutual pining, angst with a happy ending.

looks_clear (chrysalisdreams) - @butterflydreaming-writes-fic - looks_clear (chrysalisdreams)

White Light // Black Water (T, 7k)

In 2019, the Baozhu, a pearl that granted the desire of Dean’s heart, changed the timeline from a particular moment in 2003. Dean is hunting alone when events set in motion before that year catch up to him.

Tags: Drowning, Temporary Character Death, Car Accidents, Baby Gets Hurt, Time Travel, Episode Related, Episode S8e12: As Time Goes By, Episode S14e300: Lebanon, Kale!Sam, Alternate Angel Lore

goldenraeofsun - @goldenraeofsun - goldenraeofsun

Dean Winchester and the Patron Saint of Blind Dates (T, 18k)

Dean Winchester's friends are a bunch of traitors. So he had a bad breakup two years ago and hasn't gotten back on the horse. Their intervention - a series of blind dates - can't be the solution. But if this'll get his friends to stop, Dean can choke down over-priced spaghetti, make forced conversation, and drink whatever random cocktail the weirdo behind the bar makes for him next. At least Cas has Dean's back. One word from Dean, and he'll make excuses for Dean to bail like a super awkward knight in shining armor.

Tags: Human AU, Bartender Cas, Dean has self-worth issues, minor angst, Benny & Dean friendship, minor Sam/Ruby

jemariel - @jemariel - jemariel

Spit-Polish and Shine (E, 1.5k) 🎂

You know how Dean Winchester doesn't wear shorts? Well. Sometimes he does. Unredeemed filthy porn on a car. Prompted by a PB botstat.

Tags: Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Sex on a Car, Exhibitionism, Masturbation, Anal Sex, Established Relationship, Sam Winchester is Scarred For Life

surlybobbies - @surlybobbies - surlybobbies

I Like the Sound of That (T, 1k)

In mid-December, Gabe hangs a sprig of mistletoe in Cas’s foyer. Cas, resisting the temptation to strangle his brother, snaps a picture and sends it to Dean. Take it down or leave it up? Idk dude. U trying to catch someone under there? Cas hedges. I don’t want to kiss anyone who’d only do it because of a plant. Fair enough. Just leave it up tho. U’ll break an ankle climbing up ur rickety ladder. Dw u don’t have to kiss me Cas puts his phone down and doesn’t reply. He indulges in two glasses of wine and valiantly tries to avoid thinking about kissing Dean.

Tags: friends to lovers, christmas fic, fluff, mistletoe, au

Lucky Enough (T, 2.5k)

Dean opened his mouth, ready to argue, but then closed it just as suddenly, deflating. He sighed and ran a hand over his face. “Cas, I don’t mean to be a dick.” “Then stop being one,” Cas said simply, adjusting the blankets around Dean a little more securely. There was a pause. Dean blinked. “You’re supposed to say that I wasn’t being a dick in the first place.” “I dislike lying to you.” Dean scowled. “Why am I your friend?” “Because I spend my holidays looking after you when you’re sick,” Cas said matter-of-factly, reaching out to touch Dean’s forehead. [Dean's sick over the New Year's Eve holiday, but it's fine because Cas has got a bed to share.]

Tags: holiday fic, bed sharing, hurt/comfort, friends to lovers, new year's kiss, cuddling

blueeyesandpie - @blueeyesandpie - blueeyesandpie

Beginnings (SFW) 🎂

The door to Dean's room in the Bunker, with Cas's tie on the doorknob

Tags: the bunker, pb100, we all know what's happening in there

In the California Sun (SFW)

A commissioned painting for Slide Away of Dean and Cas standing in a pool.

Tags: slide away, commissions, the tension amirite

Commission for Slide Away (SFW)

A commission for Slide Away of Cas running into Dean's arms along a corridor lined with photos of their rekindled romance.

Tags: commission, yay they happy

The Kiss Cam (E, 8k) 🎂

Dean's excited about the tickets he got for the OSU/UofM football match, but his boyfriend Crowley seems intent on ruining the day (and possibly his life) for him. When the kiss cam settles on them and Crowley pushes Dean away, a blue-eyed man they'd met in line is more than happy to fill the void. Loosely based on the headline/prompt "Woman Kisses Man Next to Her on Kiss Cam After Date Snubs Her."

Tags: manipulative crowley, non-explicit dean/crowley, minor sabriel, strangers to lovers, angst and fluff and e-rated shenanigans, NOT a sports story, pb birthday bash, collaboration

Say It Straight (T, 1.7k) 🎂

Something went wrong in that milk run to Kentucky, but neither Dean nor Cas want to explain what happened. When the truth does come out, it isn't at all what Sam expected...though really, why should he be surprised?

Tags: PoV: Sam Winchester, Sam ships it, Idiots to Lovers, Canonverse, drinking to cope, PB Bot Prompts, first time, no spoilers past season 13

rauko-creates - @rauko-creates - FeaRauko

Sing Love (T, 2.7k)

Castiel comes back from a grocery run with Sam and overhears Dean singing in the shower. ***or*** That one where Castiel finds out that Dean might love him too.

Tags: canonverse, singing, idiots in love, first kiss, fluff, some angst, love confessions

foxymoley - @foxymoley - foxymoley

Hell’s Companion (G, 350 words)

This is for saltnhalo's birthday!

It's hard to write for someone so talented but I scoured PB for any prompts she had shown an interest in and apparently she 'needed this'! Lol So here we are!

Prompt by Sky: You’ve heard of witch!cas and familiar!dean now consider this upgrade to demon!cas and hellhound!dean - hellhounds, of course, having a secret human form in this au.

Tags: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Demon Castiel, Hellhound Dean, non-explicit/implied torture of random unnamed demon, mention of Boy King Sam

Roll for Dragons (T, 2.8k) 🎂

Dean is offered up as a sacrifice by his corrupt hometown. Written for jdragon as part of the Profoundbond birthday bash.

Tags: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Charlie Bradbury, Jo Harvelle, Dragons, Alternate Universe - Historical

Mithril (G, 1k) 🎂

Dean makes an interesting discovery in a bunker storeroom so he and Sam perform some experiments.

Tags: Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Weapons, The Lord of the Rings References, Men of Letters, Bunker, Soft!Dean

MaggieMaybe160 - @maggiemaybe160 - MaggieMaybe160

Birthday Wishes (M, 3.5k)

Dean recalls his past birthdays before going out to celebrate his 41st.

Tags: Graphic Violence Warning. Heavy Angst. Anti-John Winchester.

Broken (M, 700 words)

Dean snaps out of a dreamlike state and found he's made a huge mistake and it's Zachariah's fault. All part of a plan to get him to say yes to Michael.

Tags: Graphic Violence Warning. Major Character Death Warning. Heavy Angst.

Demon Deals and Prayers to Angels (T, 4.5k) 🎂

Dean makes a deal with a demon so he can go back in time and change the future.

Tags: Major Character Death Warning. Heavy Angst.

Sleep Oddity (T, 1.5k) 🎂

Based on a prompt: "I just want to go home," said the astronaut. "So come home," said Ground Control. "So come home," said a voice from the stars.

Tags: Major Character Death Warning

Falling (T, 2k) 🎂

Cas remembers all of the times that Heaven was against he and Dean getting together, and the repeated times he didn't care.

Tags: Graphic Violence Warning. Happy Ending.

Memories on Display (T, 2k) 🎂

Cas is in shock after a battle and is going through memories to try to cope with loss.

Tags: Major Character Death. Grief.

andimeantittosting - @andimeantittosting - andimeantittosting

On a Breath of Snow (G, 4.5k)

Once, Castiel, Duke of Rexford, gave up the love of his life in the name of duty and honour. He has dedicated his life to raising his son Jack. Now, a fierce snowstorm brings Dean, Viscount Winchester back into his life on Christmas Eve. And as North Cove Castle's fires burn warm and festive, so do Dean and Castiel’s feelings of hope.

Tags: Regency AU, Getting back together, Christmas, Alternate history

#Profoundnet Monthly Masterpost #january masterpost #dean winchester #castiel #destiel #spn #sorry this took so long guys!#the past months have been A Lot

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swirlyrobe · 4 years ago

Text

Jul 28, 2015

Details

after that i ended up in a special ed school and thats when i started listening to rap with dipset and stealing yugioh cards for money and robitussin to get high. when i was 16 i only had a couple good friends and everybody else just avoided me caus they were scared i was going to fight them and one of them steve (who’s 3 years younger than me) had me meet his (at the time) ex gf one day and i ended up getting my thing sucked>.> yea for the first time and then we planned to lose our virginity the next week. she brought her friend and we had a threesome tho my drugs caught up with me because i was on probation for beating somebody up on the bus and i kept getting dirty urines for weed so i went to rehab a couple weeks after

i never really had gfs in highschool other than that, there was only 5 girls in my special ed school, i was friends with most of them but they used me for drugs. i went to community college right after highschool and made friends rapping tho immediately got involved in a small crime ring of stealing video games from stores, selling them to gamestop to make a couple hundred daily as well as smoking a lot more weed (while still on probation for another assault) that didnt catch up with me yet tho when i was 19 this girl sabrina added me on facebook and i really liked her, ended up meeting her at the mall it was a really sweet date(we had fun getting physical😄) she wasn’t like everybody else because she didnt try to be normal. i had court coming up though i ended up smoking pcp for the first time and had a psychotic break where i thought this girl was her (who wasnt) and got arrested for unlawful restraint (i thought she was bugging out and i didnt want to leave until i knew what was wrong). i went to jail and got released to rehab again.

when i got out of rehab i went to outpatient rehab (i was 20 now) and met a woman heather who was 33. we dated and she bought a ring for me 3 months after to propose which i accepted because i was desperate and i thought i loved her though she asked if i was attracted to her and i honestly said only her face and not her body so she broke up with me. after that i started smoking again until i started talking to this girl Haley who lived the city over from me, she said she wanted a brother yet i really started liking her when we talked. this is when i really started realizing i liked younger girls and she ended up admitting she had a bf months after and lied to both of us. (i made a lot of songs about her😔😪){&2020 update about haley: we moved on with our lives and had never met though I talked to her a little on Facebook this year and, thankfully I wasn't as enamored and clingy😪}

there's a couple dozen other girls i dated/talked to between that and then there was bella who heard my music on an old social site called PHEED and i thought she was beautiful so i told her that and we talked. she lived in texas but we had intense convos she was really smart, beautiful, funny and we swore we would be together though i had to go to rehab again(this time inpatient in New London where, I lived in a sober house & got a job after) because i violated probation yet i wanted to test if she’d stay with me so i didnt tell her i went. about 4 months later when i was getting out of rehab i talked to her again and she acted like everything was alright and she had moved to NY as well as gotten a license and really had her life together. she said she loved me and was gonna drive to see me in new london so, I waited an hour for her to come until I talked to her and she said because I "played" her she was playing me so, not coming 😢😞(this was in 2014)

So in 2015 I was clean about a year so, I applied & got accepted for McNally Smith college of music (to major in audio production) in st Paul Minnesota where I Was clean for months until (for some reason I forgot but, probably running around fast) I got kicked out of my weightlifting gym out there so I was upset and, found some people @ a park near downtown st Paul smoking weed which I got in on and, ten weeks later I saw someone with dreads buying a dutch in a bodega so, I asked if he knew where to get weed and: It turned out he was a dealer so I ended up buying lot's of weed and trading for studio time for him to record but, I got caught smoking sometimes in my dorm & because I got in arguments with students and staff at college so, they warned me if I got in ANY fight in or, outside of school I would be expelled & I DID get expelled; probably because of the fight where I sent that guy who hit my head with a brick to the hospital (which drew a LOT of attention and PROBABLY was on the news)

Though they said it was because I got in too many arguments and, smoked too much weed in my dorm...

So I moved back with my grandma later in 2015 where I was until she kicked me out for smoking weed and k2 so, I was homeless In which I slept under a blanket near the library and, behind a church in hamden until, the church let me live in their garage when it became winter so I stayed there until early 2016 where, I moved to a spot in Hamden off the bike trail in the woods where I started with a one person tent until I stole a 8 person tent from Walmart and, uused a shopping cart to carry a bed my friend gave away down the bike trail to my spot and late I stole a propane heater plus propane powered stove so I stole an empty propane can outside of krauzers and I kept paying $20 to get it filled at The car wash up the street so I used it to cook ramen and, oatmeal on my stove and power my heater in the winter and I finally got clean in August 2016 while STILL homeless then completed a course to get into CTWORKS which helped me get nice used suits and an interview g for the job I got at Chipotle in December 2016 while, still homeless 😪 I told them I still lived at my grandmas and took showers at my friend's house until I got a la fitness membership with my first paycheck which was actually through the woods near my tent so, I took showers there EVERY morning & worked out there in addition to, at my tent where I still had a barbell set from my grandmas and, then in the spring of 2017 I applied to and, got a landscaping job I saw on the ctworks job search online so I woke up at 5am EVERY morning with a battery powered alarm clock I stole from Walmart and, caught the first Whitney bus that went downtown at 5:30 and, then I took the next train around 5:45 to go to milford where, the landscaping base is so I ran there when I got to Milford around 6am to get there on time by 6:30-45

So I worked there while I was still homeless and, I got approved for shelter plus Care which some people That lived in the woods near me told me about and, I got my apartment with 2 jobs off the post road behind dunkin donuts in West Haven so, I took The bus up the post road to get to BOTH jobs until, I saw a moped for sale from east haven on Craigslist for$200 in mid spring of 2017 which, I rode to my jobs on until, I got a drivers permit (coincidentally on the day I heard my grandma was dying so, I Went to her house and Watched her die 😥

Then I took drivers ed classes;

Then I started getting driving lessons in late spring 2017 until I learned to drive in a couple months so, I took the drivers test in summer 2017 and, then took motorcycle classes at north haven gateway (where I ran into my dr's receptionist Alexandra ai had a crush on (who I even had written and recorded a song about) then, my mom helped me get my 250 ninja from new Haven power sports so: I drove that to my jobs until my crash on August 6th 2019 which, I don't remember but, I woke up at the residential physical rehab hospital Gaylord where : I leave weekly what happened was I hit an suv on mg way to work, had a right brain stroke & broken pelvic also my left side was paralyzed and got contractures (where my left arm, fingers and left got really curled up and difficult to straighten so I'm still working on walking again 😥

(I'm getting botox injections to help my left side straighten and , I'm able to my left leg and arm though, they're really bent and my fingers are too bent for me to move, use,or, hold anything😪

So now I am living at my aunts waiting to get another apartment through my insurance agency while, I still get votox every 2 months unrtil I hopefully gain control and use of my left side😪 &, the ability to walk again...

I went from being REAL STRONG to, being weak (though I'm ljfting more with my right arm with a dumbbell then I used to!)

Either way: I'm a survivor!

💪🏽😁👍🏼

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incyas · 6 years ago

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ya girl moose is back at it w another child !! if u want to plot with this angel feel free to HMU and or just LIKE THIS and i’ll come to you !!

[ jameela jamil, cisfemale, she/her, 30 ] REAPER by SIA? whenever i hear that song, it reminds me of INAYA KAUR. maybe because they’re BENEVOLENT but also LOQUACIOUS. they’ve been living at mulberry apartments since DECEMBER of 2015 in 311 and have 1 ROOMMATE.

tw: suicide attempt & abortion !!

ok i just want to start by sayin that this bih is like........a mixture of an old character i’ve had for years and this new concept for a character i want to bring in so she’s like.....a mash up of ideas i guesS so ............i’m still figuring her out a lil but here we gO

starting w her background

she’s a first generation american born in manhattan. her mum is from pakistan & her dad is from india & they both attended columbia where they met and fell in love awww how cute we luv some heteros. her mum was studying accounting and her father architecture. they married right after graduation and found a place in manhattan to start their family

they had a lot of trouble getting pregnant but eventually they were blessed with a set of beautiful twins !!! dimah was born and then seven minutes later, inaya came too.

although the twins always got along v well, inaya kind of felt like the black sheep. she was never as smart as her sister. she was never as popular as her sister. she tried so hard to be liked and even though her & dimah were best friends, people always seemed to like inaya less.

because they were twins, they were being compared constantly. it was always “why cant you be like dimah? dimah does this dimah does that. dimah has good friends” blah blah blah. it was frustrating bc inaya tried so hard and.........she got nothing

it went on like this and eventually inaya got used to it and just....did her own thing. she figured she would never be as good as her sister so there was no use in trying to make her parents proud so she just stopped trying and tried to do what made her happy. it didn’t really work. in fact, it only made things worse.

she felt defeated. like nothing she could do would ever be good enough for them. she had friends that loved and supported her but her the disappointment from her parents’ weighed heavily on her heart and her self esteem.

suicide attempt tw !! she was only sixteen years old when she attempted to end her own life. she was found by her best friend who rushed her to the hospital where her life was saved.

after that her parents kind of realized how their words and actions affected her. (a little too late but still) and things started to get better. they were angry with her at first but hearing her explain how she felt and how they made her feel things started to click into place. she was a good kid, really. she never did anything wrong. she hung out with some questionable people but her parents started to recognize that she was just doing her best.

things were pretty ok for the next few years. not good, but ok.

and then, when she was nineteen, she noticed her period was late. it was VERY late. she took an at-home pregnancy test and it came out positive and she was absolutely TERRIFIED. her parents eventually found the test and absolutely lost their minds. they were okay with her hanging out with shady people and not getting perfect grades but the unwanted pregnancy was the final straw, it seemed.

and just like that, she was kicked out of her own house with no where to live. she ended up moving in with her best friend while she worked odd jobs to save up some money.

abortion tw !! with no money and no help to raise a child that she didn’t exactly want, inaya ended up getting her pregnancy terminated. it was the hardest decision she’d ever had to make and the choice still weighs heavy on her soul though she doesn’t regret it.

she & her best friend moved to baltimore for a nice change of scenery when inaya was in her mid 20s, finding a decent apartment for a pretty good price. they stayed there for a few years before eventually moving again to mulberry a few years ago!!!!

now she lives in mulberry with her best friend as her roommmate !!! she works as a freelance makeup artist while also being a beauty guru on youtube. though her job is somewhat unconventional, it makes her really happy and she feels very successful by doing what she loves and making pretty decent money for it. she hopes to start her own makeup brand pretty soon that is.....her ultimate dream

ok that got longer than i wanted but here is more abt her personality

she is......an absolute angel. the sweetest woman u may ever meet

the opinion’s of others are very important to her so she is always working double time to impress people even tho.......it ultimately just makes her unhappy

she’s way better off since she’s sort of lost contact with her parents but she still.......has that uncontrollable urge to please people no matter what

puts everyone else before herself

she’s very sensitive and very emotional. she takes almost everything super personally

just wants people to like her

100000000% the mom friend. will always be texting u to make sure you’ve eaten and whatnot. will over to make u dinner if u havent. makes sure ur drinking water if you’re drinking alcohol and will wake up at 3am to drive you home if she has to

just wants everyone to be safe and happy

wears her heart on her sleeve but doesnt want people to see her sad

she puts her entire heart and soul into everything she does

doesn’t stop talking tbh. she just.......doesn’t know how to shut up rly

just wants ppl to like her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

some extra tidbits !!

loves to bake

LOVES doing her friend’s makeup and honestly.......will give u a little makeover for free just because

halloween is her absolute fave holiday the bitch goes WILD her costumes are always over the top

loves horror movies

puts a lot of effort into her appearance. always wearing something flattering w her hair and makeup done

tall af but always wearing heels anyway bc she is............powerful

wanted to be a ballet dancer but she was told she was too tall so she quit

loves wine

falls in love 12 times a day tbh

my bi queen

she has a pet bunny named clover

i probably am missing quite a bit but.........come plot w me anyway :’)

#soundintro #love meeeeee

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hellforcertain · 7 years ago

Text

i like how one of the few reasons i can pinpoint when about i got sick is that i can use snowmageddon (late 2014/early 2015) as a starting point

this is really long and i’d appreciate you not reblogging this but i don’t think i’ve ever written any of this out, and i would keep it private somewhere else but i kinda want to feel idk. validated? i never really put it into words like this until now. would also appreciate if you respond to this in some way (either a like or a reply) if you read it.

[cw for suicidal ideation in one part; skip the paragraph that begins “at some point that spring...”, after i talk abt my grandpa, if you don’t want to read it. it’s referenced in the next paragraph too. idk if there’s anything else i really need to warn for, but tell me if i do.]

i injured my knee thanksgiving 2013, when i was a sophomore. i was hiking in the hills around my parents’ house with some of my cousins, and it had snowed recently so everything was slick and slippery, and at one point my feet slid out from under me and i tumbled down an incline until my right knee connected with a tree. that thankfully stopped my fall but like, at what cost.

it was so bad that jo had to half-support me walking the couple blocks from our dorms to tufts to have an x-ray done in december 2013, which had been recommended by emerson’s health center (which was a joke; when i saw... i think an NP, she had to flip through a book until she found the “knee” section before she examined me). i couldn’t attend several classes of one of my courses the rest of that semester bcos it was in the building furthest from my dorm and i could barely walk there; i barely made it to the final. i never heard from the health center about the x-ray, so i figured that at least it wasn’t broken. it still bothered me but it became more manageable than it had been (not entirely tho bcos iirc i failed or didn’t complete two courses spring 2014, but that was also bcos of the undiagnosed adhd).

i moved directly into the studio from my sophomore dorm in may 2014, and lived there until june 2015 (which encompassed my junior year until i dropped out in november 2014).

my parents wanted me to fly down to spend a week in florida with them in august 2014, and i think this is what happened: the morning before i left on that flight i rolled off my futon badly and banged my bad knee against the (hardwood) floor really hard. i was in pain for a lot of that trip -- flying certainly didn’t help matters -- and when i got back it didn’t get better so i bought a cane a couple weeks before classes started back so i could get used to it before i had to use it to get to class.

(at the end of that trip, my mom forced me to let her clean out my ear with a qtip, jabbed it in too far and fucked up my ear, and then the next day i got on a plane back to boston and the issue got so bad i couldn’t walk down the street without holding onto a wall. i don’t think my eardrum burst or anything because it was better by the time i actually got to see a specialist about it and i haven’t suffered any permanent effects from it as far as i can tell, but at times it felt like it.)

i bought a cane in mid august 2014, and i know bcos i ordered it off amazon. the florida trip might have been in mid august, so there’s a possibility i banged my knee on the floor before the florida trip, and bought the cane when i realized i wouldn’t be able to walk in florida without it.

i know i reinjured my knee in august 2014, and i know i bought a cane then, and i know i also damaged my eardrum in august 2014 when i was in florida (well, my mom damaged it). i’m not sure exactly what order those took place in.

it got worse as the semester progressed, and i started doing less and less well in my courses, because not only was i dealing with the still-undiagnosed adhd, i was also in a lot of pain all the time. i remember making the conscious decision to stop going to my spanish class bcos the professor would have us stand up and walk around the class and talk to each other a lot and i couldn’t manage standing up for even that long, and i was so scattered and so fucked up from middle & high school that i couldn’t ask for help and the easier option was just to stop attending. i made the decision to go on medical leave late that semester -- probably in november or december 2014, i can’t remember which. there was the death of a family friend who i had been close to around that time too, and i was in too much pain and too swamped with trying to catch up on all these courses i hadn’t been attending to fly to florida and attend her funeral, which was another stone on top of all the others weighing me down (when i told my parents i had dropped out, i told them that it was her death that sent me into a breakdown, which wasn’t entirely a lie; i just didn’t tell them i’d been having a breakdown for months up until then).

i started getting sick and feeling pain that i couldn’t explain at all -- sure, i knew why my knee hurt, but i didn’t know why my joints were stiff and painful, and why i was hurting randomly separately from the joint pain. it got so bad that some days i had to crawl to get to the bathroom, and it was only a handful of steps away from my bed. i stopped doing my t shots bcos it was too much effort when i hurt so much already -- it got to the point that my periods started back up again, though i only had them very rarely. i think the only thing i managed to do was go to my shifts as desk guy in one of the dorms on campus.

when i went to visit my parents at some point, my mom thought it was just bcos i needed to get in shape and lose some weight to lessen the stress on my bad knee. tbh i don’t know when that happened, i just knew it was when i was still a student bcos i went to the gym once with a friend and it was really fuckin painful and terrible and just made everything worse. she might have said that when we were in florida, actually. idk.

living in the studio meant i lived totally alone, but jo was there a lot bcos i had an extra bed (i’d bought a loft bed bcos i wanted one and had never had one as a kid and this place had high ceilings, but i’d also bought a futon for cheap off a guy who was moving out of the building, which turned out to be a real blessing when i couldn’t make it up the ladder to the loft bed; when jo stayed at the computer labs late working on projects, they’d come crash on my loft bed bcos my building was near campus and by the time the labs closed, the t had stopped running) and i made kinda-friends with the security desk guy

that fall and winter i’d say i saw delivery guys more often than i saw my own friends (bcos i literally couldn’t handle the walking that grocery shopping would have required, and i didn’t know abt grocery delivery services at the time. idk if they were even a thing at the time). all “groceries” were bought at the cvs down the block, bcos they had things like butter and shredded cheese and tortillas (i ate a lot of tortillas that year) and pre-cut fruit, and the walgreens across the street from cvs had frozen burger patties that i think set off the smoke alarm every time i cooked them; anything else i ate was from delivery guys. i dissociated a lot that year, very very badly, and some delusional tendencies i’d had in high school came rearing back up.

bcos i couldn’t do much else i threw myself into this site (esp on one of my sideblogs), and if you look at the amount of stuff i reblogged/posted then vs now you’d see that i had p much no other life. which was... not good but i also made some really good and valuable friendships then -- including em so like, not everything from then turned out bad. sadly, a lot of irl friendships stagnated, and it wasn’t the other party’s fault. i also played a lot of skyrim bcos it was one of like. two games i owned for my ps3, and even though the rest of me hurt a lot, my hands were surprisingly okay.

(i also went through a series of nb identities and pronouns that never really fit bcos that was the heyday of tumblr’s whole “if ur a trans man ur evil for wanting to be a man, u should be nb instead” phase and i was far too concerned with all that bcos like i said, i didn’t have much of a life outside this site at the time.)

i don’t recall much of thanksgiving or christmas breaks at my parents’, except that i got my name legally changed during i think christmas break 2014. iirc we had to reschedule my flight back to boston bcos i had to wait an extra day to be able to get everything done that i needed to, and bcos we needed to change the name on the flight. i remember crying at some official bcos they said that they couldn’t get me a new... driver’s license maybe? until a couple days down the road, but i had to be back for college by then and i have everything else done please just let me get my license today. and since it’s a small town in the south they totally folded, thankfully. i was just very stressed at that point, i hadn’t even meant to cry at them.

then snowmageddon happened in early 2015, and classes were cancelled and roads were closed and the t like, half shut down until like may. it was especially bad for me because most of my friends were in allston and they couldn’t exactly get downtown to hang out with me much. iirc, my friend who was an RA left college around the same time i did, maybe a few months before? i think i was still working desk shifts when they left, so it had to have been before i did.

march 2015 was good and bad: during jo’s spring break (and what would have been mine if i had still been in college), we escaped the snow and took their car on a roadtrip down the blue ridge parkway (well. that was the plan but it was closed thanks to the snow, so we drove down I-95 and ended up in asheville nc like two days after our leisurely road trip started. i turned 21 on that roadtrip, and so no longer had to rely on my friends to buy me alcohol, which was nice. we celebrated it at this local restaurant in whatever town we’d stopped at that night, and all i remember is that you could buy steaks from a counter at the front, and the drink i ordered for myself was incredibly orange.

my grandpa also died that march; he’d actually been dying since february, but i didn’t go to see him then; jo and i were in knoxville tn at one point, and my parents wanted me to drive up since knoxville is only like three hours from my hometown, but by then he was p much in a coma so it wouldn’t really be visiting, would it, and also it would have been mega unfair to drag jo into that mess. iirc his funeral was that april, bcos there was a funeral service at my parents’ church where he occasionally preached at, and then one at the mennonite church he attended after moving in with us, and then they had to get him to ohio for the big service (which was the one i attended).

(this was the grandpa who thought i was possessed by a demon for being trans so like. lmao. didn’t mourn him much then, and still haven’t.)

at some point that spring, after the spring break roadtrip and grandpa’s funeral, my dysphoria got really really really bad, bad enough to trigger the most suicidal episode i’d had since middle school/high school. it was a culmination of the negative thoughts and feelings i’d been having since i moved into this place (which had only worsened as i got sicker and when winter hit). i didn’t do anything, but i had to call a friend every time i left the building for like a week so that i didn’t walk into traffic.

i moved out of the studio at the end of april or may of 2015, and went back to live with my parents for a bit because the lease for my text apartment didn’t start until september 2015 (since i was living with friends/former classmates who were still in school and weren’t going to be in boston until classes started back up in september). moving out was an Ordeal bcos my dad came up to help me and brought my sister, who hated boston so much that she was on the edge of a panic attack the whole time, which made her impossible to deal with. at one point we got into a fight over something super minor and it escalated and ended with her screaming at the top of her lungs, in my empty echoey studio that had the door open so god and all my neighbors could hear, that she wished i was dead. this was not the first or last time she expressed this sentiment, and was tame compared to some (like the time she said she’d stab me in my sleep). i told her i’d been suicidal weeks earlier and she left the building to go take something to the car and when i didn’t follow her (bcos i was cooling off), she freaked out and had a panic attack all over our dad. she didn’t tell him why, or that she was at fault, and when i came down a few minutes later he ripped into me until i stopped and told him what she had said. so, yknow. a fun final memory of that apartment.

i think that was when my mom finally acknowledged that my pain wasn’t just a weight thing, and that i should actually see someone when i got back to boston. my symptoms got worse too: i started having horrible pain in my hands, to the point that i couldn’t move them, and none of us really knew what to do. i found some compression gloves online and begged my mom to let me get them but she kept refusing because she was worried i’d mess my hands up worse with them, and i still don’t entirely understand that train of thought, because i was like, screaming crying at them because i was hurting so so much, and some compression gloves couldn’t have been worse than that (and i finally pointed out that they were gloves; i could take them off if they were hurting more than helping). they finally relented, thankfully.

june 2015 was the first time i met em in person; i decided, almost on impulse, to take a week and drive down to florida and spend the week with them bcos they were living with their grandparents at the time and their grandparents were going to be out of town for like a week. they played a lot of fnv on their ps3 while i played don’t starve on my laptop. the place had a guest bedroom that was technically mine, but i don’t think i ever used it except to get changed; we tended to pass out in weird positions on em’s bed. we didn’t get much else done bcos i discovered that florida weather + my joints wasn’t a great combo, but it was still an amazing week.

that same summer i also got fitted for my knee brace. i think that same summer i got some treatments from a sports medicine doctor my mom is friends with. possibly steroid injections? i’d have to ask her.

i moved into the medford house with some friends in september 2015, and dear lord was that a mess. the roommates were great, don’t get me wrong, but the house had mice we had to take care of, there was a gas leak at one point bcos the stove’s knobs didn’t work right and didn’t shut off the gas when we turned them off, the boiler was a broken leaky piece of shit that would shut itself off every like two days bcos the water level got so low (contrast the place we’re living in now, where we had to go put more water in the boiler maybe like. three times all winter), the landlord and his wife were total creeps and freaks -- he would only respond to my email even though my roommates tried to open lines of communication at various times, and one time i woke up with her in my bedroom bcos she was checking the radiator (which wasn’t working bcos the boiler wasn’t working and they refused to fix or replace it until winter was over) and she had the audacity to chew me out for my space heater. i was fucking sick, lady. give me a fucking break. the best thing, hands down, about the medford place was there was a corner store with a good deli across the street, so i could go in my pajamas to get a good sandwich and a box of fries. great place, great people.

i got referred to a rheumatologist that fall, and my first appointment with him was in november (i also at some point... i think in spring of 2015 started using testogel, because i wouldn’t have been able to get the stuff for injections refilled while i was in kentucky. i don’t remember when i switched back to injections but i did at some point while living at the medford house, which i once again was terrible at keeping up with).

at the time, my deadname was still on my insurance bcos even tho i’d changed my name earlier that year, i was still on my parents’ insurance and my dad wouldn’t fucking change my name there and wouldn’t give me the information to do it myself. my rheumatologist took one look at me and how i was responding to being called my deadname, and he asked if there was another name i went by that i’d be more comfortable with, and i was rarely called my deadname again after that (and only by a couple nurses until they got to know me better). ofc that stopped being an issue when i switched to my own masshealth plan (in early 2017 i think?).

he listened to the whole mess of a story, felt my joints, and then poked at the middle of my chest (which i now know is a common fibro trigger point). when i recoiled back bcos that hurt far more than it should have, he said “yep that looks fibro-y.” i don’t remember if i suggested fibro and/or rheumatoid arthritis, or if he did. he prescribed me some medications -- including tramadol, my savior that winter. i’d been taking tramadol already bcos i’d had some left over from... i think lasik, and a friend had given me some percocet for very bad days. i was so unused to the tramadol back then that it’d throw me for a loop, occasionally make me nauseated, and also knock me out. it was p great.

back then i’d have to ask my roommate danny to open like, water or pop bottles nine times out of ten bcos i just couldn’t. now, i can’t remember the last time i had a serious problem opening bottles on a consistent basis. there have been some bad days where i couldn’t, but it’s not like that’s all the time.

i improved in fits and starts after that; i can’t remember all the meds i tried with him, but i’m sure they’re in a file somewhere that i could request. i still wasn’t doing anywhere near good, but it was better than before -- if only, maybe, bcos i wasn’t dealing with this totally on my own. but you know what didn’t help? that house’s terrible fucking boiler. we’d wake up some days in the middle of winter and it’d be in the 50s inside the house, and i was the only one who knew how to fix the boiler (i’d taught the roommates, including the subletter we got when danny left for a semester in LA, but apparently the only one who could go down the stairs to take care of it was the fuckin cripple).

spring 2016 was awesome bcos i’d gotten a ps4 and destiny for christmas, and the subletter we got had two cats who i loved and who loved me, and everything was beautiful even tho i definitely still hurt a lot. i can’t remember much of note during this period, health-wise. it was mostly more of the same, but on top of it was trying to balance playing a shooter and having shitty hands that didn’t want me down anything with them.

summer 2016, when i was still in the medford house, em came to visit me (among other people -- they roadtripped up over the course of a couple weeks) and spent several days there. i had plans to take them to do touristy stuff in boston, but that never happened haha. and like we don’t have a solid date on when we got together bcos long-distance stuff can be fuzzy about things like that but that visit was our first kiss.

in september 2016 i moved into the allston apartment, and the less i say about that the better. i started back with a therapist in like february 2017; i hadn’t been to a therapist for years by this time, bcos my previous therapist had moved to a different office in the network and then left the area and i had never gotten back in touch with her after she moved to the other office. i also started on testopel, because injections were once again not working out.

that apartment was p much like living in the studio bcos even tho i had two roommates, it was an apartment i’d found in an emerson group centered on finding roommates, so i hadn’t known either of them beforehand; i wasn’t really living with them; we just happened to share some common spaces. health-wise i improved some as we found medications that worked for me, but i was still not doing even close to good. i had trouble going grocery shopping even though the grocery store was only a handful of blocks away because various parts of me would hurt too much to handle it, and by the time i was halfway home i would be almost dead. so, yknow. not a great time overall.

in september of 2017 i moved into this house with em and jo, and it’s been a fantastic decision bcos im finally living with people who care about me and will kick my ass into shape if i need it. em finally made me go to my rheumatologist and be like “so i know i’ve been saying i’ve been fine but i moved in with my partner recently and they’ve pointed out that im doing less fine than i said bcos i’d brushed off a lot of things as normal that they’ve told me are not, in fact, normal”, which was when he prescribed flexeril, and i think that’s helped me more than almost anything else has. holy shit. im taking a higher dose than my father (who’s like 6′1″ and has at least a hundred pounds on me) can handle but it’s working for me. i also went back to t injections a couple months ago bcos i didn’t enjoy missing everything for a week bcos it took forever for the testopel spot to heal, and i couldn’t sit on the spot until it healed; plus now that i’m living with em, they can remind me when i forget to do my shot. also, after a lot of fits and starts and panic over the last few years, im finally talking with a surgeon about top surgery.

overall like, i went back and looked at a lot of posts i made several years ago to get dates for this point, and i can barely recognize myself in some of those posts. my illnesses had ground everything else away, until all that was the physical pain and the emotional anguish, and i wish i could tell my past self that it gets better: that he’ll find medications that work for him and he’ll move in with people who he loves and love him back, and that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows here in 2018 but it’s so much better. 2015 me definitely deserved that.

and that’s true: that i’m not cured, and i still have very bad days, but i’m also having more and more good days -- days that were unthinkable back then. i’m on medications that help me physically, and i’ve been diagnosed with adhd and am on a medication that helps me mentally. when i flew down to kentucky earlier this month to attend my sister’s graduation, my dad remarked on how much better i was walking and moving just compared to thanksgiving. i can’t even imagine comparing myself now to myself a few years ago. i think i’m going to save this post so that when i’m feeling down about being sick, i can remind myself how far i’ve come, and how much i’ve weathered so far; whatever storm comes next, i think i’ll be able to handle it.

idk where i was trying to go with this, but it ended up a super overly long chronicle of the last few years. so uh. yeah. like i mentioned before, i’d appreciate if you show that you read all this, either with a like or a reply, esp if you get to the end

#nick gets personal #not 4 ur blog #fibro diaries

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softpink · 7 years ago

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A Year on Spotify: 2017

100. Fat Lip - Sum 41 - I can’t believe this song invented music.

It’s none of your concern, I guess I’ll never learn I’m sick of being told to wait my turn

99. Energy - Drake - I love being part white. This was a go to gym song when I was in a bad mood, which was A LOT over the summer.

I got girls in real life trying to fuck up my day, fuck going online that ain’t part of my day

98. Bad Girls - M.I.A. - Erin and I always listen to this song while driving anywhere together, even though we are the two least bad people I know.

Live fast, die young, bad girls do it well

97. Nerve - The Story So Far - You know, I used to always complain about how the self titled was their worst album. In the past year, I have found that I actually like this album better than What You Don’t See. You set your pace, I’ll keep mine too

96. Seventy Times Seven - Brand New - Too bad Jesse Lacey is a TRASH CAN and Brand New is CANCELLED. I’ve honestly just stopped listening to Brand New near the end of 2017. Too many of the song (Maradona, Sudden Death, Sic Transit Gloria, etc) made me TOO uncomfortable. This song is still better than There’s No “I” In Team tho Have another drink and drive yourself home, I hope there’s ice on all the roads And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt, and again when your head goes through the windshield

95. Go Your Own Way - Fleetwood Mac - This song STILL slaps. I’ve never cheated on someone, I’ve never been cheated on, but damn this entire makes feel like I’ve done both of those thing excessively.

Loving you isn’t the right thing to do How can I ever change things that I feel?

94. There, There - The Wonder Years - This is my PEAK anxiety song. I’ve never had a song that encapsulates what my specific anxieties feel like so well.

I’ve got my heart strung up on clothing lines through tenement windows in mid-July

93. Wildest Dreams - Taylor Swift - This song is so GOOD. Have you ever been hooking up with someone in secret? Ever had to end things with someone when you didn’t want to? Ever only have fond memories of someone? This is the song for YOU. I remember listening to this song a lot freshman year of college in the fall, how long ago that seems.

Say you’ll remember me, standing in a nice dress staring at the sunset babe Red lips and rosy cheeks, say you’ll see me again even if it’s just in your wildest dreams

92. Goodmorning - Bleachers - I am pretty sure I dream about Mike more than anyone in my friend group. I will have these intense, real dreams where I can feel him. I will have hazy, abstract dreams where maybe I can’t see him, but I wake up and I know he’s there. I have nightmares about the accident. I have dreams that are just a movie reel of our old memories. Sometimes it’s wonderful, getting visited by him, but sometimes it can almost be debilitating. This song captures that feeling perfectly.

Woke up, I’m in the inbetween, honey One foot out and I know the weight is coming, because I left it by the bed last night Open my eyes, and I stare and pray for light Always one foot out when you say goodbye to the one that you love, one dream away from the ones above That’s such a rhythm in my life these days, so I hold on tight and I learn to behave

91. Using - Sorority Noise - Not gonna kill myself 2k17

I stopped wishing I was dead, learned to love myself before anyone else

90. Bugatti (Remix) - Ace Hood - This is a defining song of my friendship with Will.

I’mma say this, fuck it I’ll say it: if you got good pussy you should always have your rent paid

89. Falling In Love Again - Joyce Manor - I remember when I had my first time with Michael, this song was stuck in my head. I remember his sports themed wallpaper border in his old bedroom. I remember looking at the streetlights reflecting off of his window pane. I remember total bliss. I remember his soft kisses, how held me so close afterwards.

I think you’re funny, I like your friends, I like the way the treat you I’ve got some money that we could spend, not that you’re like that I’m falling in love again I’m falling in love again

88. Nasty Habits - You Me At Six - I miss old YMAS. I wish Night People wasn’t wannabe Black Keys junk.

I’ve got you breathing all heavy and deep, gasping for air and down on your knees You’re in love for only as long as you want to

87. Shimmer - Moose Blood - I remember sending this to Molly, I want to send her my deepest apologies. This song is so sad, I’m glad it doesn’t apply to my life anymore.

It’s been awhile since I saw you You don’t look the same, you taste different too

86. Run Away With Me - Carly Rae Jepsen - This was the first song we listened to on the DC roadtrip. That was one of the best weekends of my life, I can’t wait for all the places Maddy, Will, and I go in the future.

Oh baby, take me to the feeling I’ll be your sinner in secret When the lights go out, run away with me

85. Something Right - Microwave - This song makes me irrationally sad?

Last night you told me you were pregnant My throat collapsed, I couldn’t breathe You said there’s a little man inside you, who looks a little bit like me

84. Reckless Love - Bleachers - I love having to come to terms with emotional and sexual abuse! People fucking suck!

So give me a chance to remember, what I’ve given up to defend you I have burned my dreams away, to stand in the broken shadows of your reckless love

83. You Tore Out My Heart - Tiny Little Houses - I remember listening to this a lot in August. August was a hard month.

I’m so tired of being afraid, and I’m so sick of wasting away And there’s no truth in whatever you say You tore my heart out again and again

82. The Let Down - Seaway - This is their best song

Oh it’s all the same, if you feel the same we’ll never change

81. Meet Me In the Hallway - Harry Styles - THIS! ALBUM! DESERVED! MORE! It’s so good. It’s the best thing anyone post split has put out. I listened to this album non stop when it came out. This song sounds like a dream I’ve had in the past. This song sounds like hoping for that late night text, this song sounds like longing.

We don’t talk about it, it’s something we don’t do Because once you go without it, nothing else will do

80. Closer - Chainsmokers - I know everyone hates this song but I like this song whoops

Four years no call, now I’m looking pretty in a hotel bar

79. Local Man Ruins Everything - The Wonder Years - This song has gotten me through every single rough patch in my life. Anytime that I’ve needed to move on from something in life, this is THE song.

I don’t have roses in the closet, but I’ve got pictures in a drawer It’s everything left in me not to stare at them anymore

78. I Think I You Were In My Profile Picture Once - Modern Baseball - This song used to remind me vaguely of Scott way back in the day, but now it is purely a Mike song. I remember laying in my bedroom with all the lights off after the funeral and just listening to this song. It’s funny how drastically things can change.

Covered in bottles with the stench of a loss of life And I know that it’s quite heartbreaking we won’t speak like this again

77. Blissth - Sorority Noise - Emotional trauma: the song

You’ll always be like a nightmare to me, and I’ll always be begging for sleep

76. Don’t Take the Money - Bleachers - Do you ever have a song that just makes you feel alive? This is that song.

You steal the air out of my lungs, you make me feel it

75. 10 Bands - Drake - This is the best song off of If You’re Reading This… This is THE Drake song to listen to while driving in rain at night when you’re pissed off. I can’t tell you how many times this summer I would drive around blasting this song being pissed off. Also, my favorite lyric to this song? Iconic.

My ex asked me “where you moving?” I said onto better things

74. I Wish You Would - Taylor Swift - I don’t remember listening to this that much this year? This was a genuine surprise to see. I DID listen to this a lot in the early fall of 2015, when things were in a weird place with Scott. Once again, that feels so long ago geez. I remember feeling like this song was all I was ever going to feel like. Thank God for moving on, Thank God for change.

It’s 2 A.M. in your car, you pass my street, the memories start You say it’s in the past, you drive straight ahead You’re thinking that I hate you now because you still don’t know what I never said I wish you would come back, wish I never hung up the phone like I did I wish you knew that, I’ll never forget you as long I live

73. 505 - Arctic Monkeys - Has a song ever given you anxiety, made you sad, and made you want to get laid all at the same time?

But I crumble completely when you cry, it seems like once again you have to greet me with goodbye

72. Chicago Is So Two Years Ago - Fall Out Boy - This song makes me want to punch every person who has ever wronged me DIRECTLY in the face. You want apologies? Girl you might hold your breath until your breathing stops, forever The only thing you’ll get is this curse on your lips, I hope they taste of me forever

71. Out of the Woods - Taylor Swift - I love Bleachers. Anyway, I love to listen to this song while driving by myself late at night, it’s a very surreal feeling.

Looking at it now, last December We were built to fall apart, then fall back together

70. Dakota - A Rocket to the Moon - If Molly or Bethany is in the car, this song is never skipped. I miss power pop.

I know that she barely knows me, and I’m fake in love with her It’s like I’m singing karaoke, and I forgot the second verse, but I can make up my own words

69. Harvard - Diet Cig - Remember when my ex, who I hadn’t spoken to in YEARS decided to send me a long ass message apologizing for shit that I no longer desired an apology for? Remember when this happened in a fucking Denny’s? Remember when at the end of the message, he somehow managed to make it all about himself and his annoying ass liberal arts school in the woods of Vermont? 2017 was the year of people not being able to Leave Me Alone.

Does it feel better in your ivy league sweater? Put your work shoes on, and talk about her at your shitty job. Does it feel better in that cold Boston weather? Fuck your ivy league sweater, you know I was better.

68. Corrigan - Sorority Noise - I remember listening to this song while driving to the job I hated. This song has nothing to do with working a dead end desk job, but I always seem to associate it with that?

I will never be the one you need I only hope to be the solid ground beneath your feet I will never be the turning of your leaves I only hope to be the one you call when you can’t sleep

67. Fall Into These Arms - New Politics - This was also a surprise, I don’t remember listening to this a lot this year. It is on a lot of my playlists because it’s catchy af, so that must be why it made the list. I remember listening to this in fall of 2015 (honestly, what WASN’T I listening to a lot in fall of 2015) while feeling like I was drowning in poor choices.

Fall into these arms, and spend the night with a stranger like me

66. Style - Ryan Adams - This song is HOT. Also my favorite line really resonates with me. This has been in my top 100 since 2015 when this came out, it’s SO good.

You’ve got that long brown hair thing that I like You’ve got that good girl faith and ass so tight

65. Right Back At It Again - A Day To Remember - Wow I love being emo? This song always reminds me of the Cheektowaga gang.

So here I am, right back at it again, just like I always said

64. Pretense - Knuckle Puck - There are about five KP songs total that I enjoy, but this song SLAPS. This was another song that I would listen to a lot in August of this year.

Consider this the repercussion of the actions you were never properly punished for Due to an overbearing demeanor brought on by your own self awareness Your credibility is a half empty glass of salt water that I watched you spill over and over and over again Go ahead, make me the bad guy

63. Grapefruit - Aaron West & The Roaring Twenties - This is THE SADDEST SONG TO EVER BE WRITTEN. I listened to this whole album a lot throughout this year, it’s such a good depression album.

In all my dreams, I’m in the house that I grew up in I’m trying to be half the man I know my dad is, or was I see me as a father, looking over a daughter Who grew up to be just like you, and now It’s just a thread I can’t hold onto It’s just an open wound

62. HUMBLE. - Kendrick Lamar - This was a go to gym song for the first half of the year, but honestly by the second half of the year I was way more into DNA.

Girl, I can buy your ass the world with my paystub

61. Doses & Mimosas - Cherub - Lol @ the time I went to a RAVE in 2017. As someone who has never done drugs and doesn’t plan to, I don’t think I will be going to a rave ever again. I did watch someone do cocaine right next to me in the middle of Town Ballroom. Shit was wild. Anyway, Cherub sucked live but I still love this song?

To all the bitch ass hoes who hate me the most, I hate you too

60. Your Graduation - Modern Baseball - This is another one of those songs that I thought I would be stuck living for the rest of my life. I remember listening to this song on a constant loop for MONTHS my junior year of high school. I remember making Scott listen to this when we were both very drunk, and for the first time in his life he actually APOLOGIZED to me. NOW, fast forward to 2017 this is just a song that I like to jam out to. I love positive growth, I hope I have even more of it in the coming year.

You weren’t the only one who thought of us that way I spend most nights awake, wide awake I never thought that I, that I would see the day Where I just let you go, let you walk away

59. Hands On Me - Ariana Grande - I’m gay

Skirt off, keep the high heels on

58. You Are In Love - Taylor Swift - The first time I heard this song, I cried so hard. It is truly Michael and I in a song. It’s so perfectly us. It’s so beautiful. Every single word in this song resonates with the both of us so much. I remember laying in his bed with him late at night, and he just held me while we listened to this song together. I’m so corny, I love my boyfriend so much.

Morning, his place. Burnt toast, Sunday. You keep his shirt, he keeps his word. And for once you let go of your fears and your ghosts. One step, not much, but it said enough. You kiss on sidewalks, you fight, and you talk One night he wakes, strange look on his face Pauses and says “you’re my best friend” And you knew what it was, he is in love

57. I’m The Best - Nicki Minaj - Whenever I want to drop out of school, I think about how disappointed Nicki would be, and I keep chugging along.

To all my bad bitches, I can see your halo

56. The Downfall Of Us All - A Day To Remember - It’s 2017 and this song still slaps

Duh duh duh duh duhduhduhduh duh duh duh duhduhduhduh 55. We All Float Down Here - Four Year Strong - It’s 2017 and this song ALSO still slaps. I regret not going to their 10 year tour this past year, smh.

Too bad you never did have the guts to know where your heart should go

54. Septemberism - Man Overboard - This is song is the face of the early 10’s pop punk movement. This the best pop punk song that will ever be written. I only own Man Overboard merch. I remember feeling the floor buckle underneath us at Webster when they played this on the farewell tour.

I hate you, you should have picked up the phone tonight

53. If It Means A Lot To You - A Day To Remember - WOW I LOVE BEING EMO. Remember when Molly and I were both crying to this song during their set and NO ONE noticed?

I swear I’ll never be happy again, and don’t you dare say we can just be friends

52. She’s Out Of Her Mind - Blink-182 - California is a bad album, but this is a great song. It always reminds me of my sister, I can’t wait till she moves back to Buffalo. It’s not the same without her around.

She’s got a black shirt, black skirt, and Bauhaus stuck in her head.

51. Out Of The Woods - Ryan Adams - This is better than the Taylor version, and the Taylor version is one of my all time favorite songs. This songs sounds so different than the original. It sounds so hopeless and SAD.

Two paper airplanes, flying, flying…..

50. Second Letter From St. Julien - Sorority Noise - While on the drive to the Sorority Noise concert: “Hey Maddy, what if they open with Second Letter?” “Nah they wouldn’t do that.” As you can imagine, that is exactly what happened.

And if you’re with God, am I making you proud by waking up each day?

49. The Waterboy Returns - Modern Baseball - For reasons unknown, I would always listen to this while driving to school this semester. I can’t tell you why. This song is a Mike song, so I was rolling up to 8 AM nursing lab in tears lmao.

It’s been a lifetime since we spoke last, I have a thousand things to say

48. Appointments - Julien Baker - This song makes me feel like I’m drowning, but in the best way. The entire album was my favorite of 2017 and I am sure that every song will be in my most played of 2018. She’s just too good.

Nothing turns out like I pictured it, maybe the emptiness is just a lesson in canvases

47. St. Joe Keep Us Safe - Aaron West & The Roaring Twenties - As a born and raised Catholic who is very close with their parents, this song makes me an unmeasurable amount of sad

I’m sorry Aaron, I know this year has been hard. If you’re hurt then you’re hurt, no I won’t make it worse, I’m always in your corner

46. Too Good - Drake - This is one of two good songs of Views.

You’ve got somebody other than me Don’t play the victim when you’re with him

45. Feeling This - Blink-182 - This song makes me feel very sad, and brings me back to the summer when I was sixteen, depressed, and making terrible life choices

Fate fell short this time, your smile fades in the summer

44. Sundress - Tiny Moving Parts - This song reminds me of Robin and The Boys Cabin Trip 2017. It was SO much fun this year. It was a weekend of absolute fucking around. We swam in the lake, we kayaked, we shot off BB guns, we cooked meals together and just bonded. Making jungle juice, playing pong in the yard, shooting off fireworks, popping champagne and getting Owen a graduation cake, doing shots of expensive tequila. Ben spending the night wrapped around the toilet, cleaning up plastic cups while everyone was still asleep in the morning because I was only one awake early in the morning. Doing the Tops bottle return of shame, with a cart full of rattling bottles and cans. I loved every second of that weekend. I love that I’m still close with my high school friends, I love that I can still call them some of my best friends in life even if we don’t see each other too often.

Grab my hand let’s dance, like we used to in high school These are the golden years, let’s spend them holding beers One hand on the can, one hand in your hand, that’s my idea of romance I love you, at least I used to

43. From the Dining Table - Harry Styles - Wow I miss Haylor. This song is sad, like most songs I listen to, go figure.

Maybe one day you’ll call me and tell me that you’re sorry too Even my phone misses your call, by the way

42. Back to Back - Drake - Look, this summer was a whole bunch of bullshit and I’m glad it’s behind me

Trigger fingers turn to twitter fingers

41. Break Your Heart Right Back - Ariana Grande - This is an UNDERRATED Ariana song. It’s catch af, this was also a go to gym song this year.

I should have saw it coming, I should have saw the signs But I wanted to believe you, just you, you said you wouldn’t lie

40. Fourth of July - Fall Out Boy - All of my favorite FOB songs are written about Mikey Way

I wish I’d known how much you loved me, I wish I cared enough to know I’m sorry every song’s about you The torture of small talk with someone you used to love

39. Your Best Friend - Seaway - I lied, this is Seaway’s best song. A great song for when you’re annoyed with people who you don’t want in your life anymore.

I hate when you whisper to me that you think you should be the one who could be taking me home Because you’ve got problems, and I never asked to solve them

38. Forever - Drake - I LOVE BASKETBALL

LIKE A SPRAINED ANKLE, BOY I AIN’T NOTHING TO PLAY WITH

37. Touch It - Ariana Grande - This concert with Maddy was an out of body experience honestly. It was SO MUCH FUN. This also started our tradition of post concert Jim’s. This was one of the best days of 2017.

Remind me why we’re taking a break, it’s obviously insane Because we both know what we want, so why don’t we fall in love?

36. It’s Okay - Pentimento - Personal growth: the song

And it haunts me, every single world you said But I never thought I’d say this….it’s okay

35. The Place That You Love - Have Mercy - Being lied to sucks, I listened to this song a lot when all of that shit hit the fan.

So why’d you do it? Why are you selfish? Why can’t I trust you anymore? Where’s the sorry? No pity party, when you come and knock on my door

34. Moonlight - Ariana Grande - Dangerous Woman is a pop masterpiece, also I love my mans

He’s so bossy, he makes me dance Trying to sit in the back of his whip and just cancel my plans Sweet like candy, but he’s such a man

33. Cool - Gwen Stefani - Fun fact: The first time I realized I was attracted to women was when I watched this music video! Also this song is the ULTIMATE at peace with your ex song, and I am really happy to say that I believe I’ve reached that level of zen in my life

And I’ll be happy for you, if you can be happy for me Circles and triangles, and now we’re hanging out with your new girlfriend So far from where we’ve been, I know we’re cool

32. Look What You Made Me Do - Taylor Swift - This is honestly the worst song off of Reputation, but I was just very excited when she released new music so I listened to it a whole bunch regardless

Maybe I got mine but you’ll all get yours

31. Heart Out - The 1975 - This song reminds me of the couple months between when Michael and I met, and when we actually started dating. Specifically reminds me of the night of The Wonder Years show, March 5th 2016. I remember him having his arm around me in Town Ballroom and feeling like everything was right in the world.

You’ve got something to say, why don’t you say it outloud? Instead of living in your head

30. Your Deep Rest - The Hotelier - This is one of my all time favorite songs. This song punches me in the goddamn face every time I hear it

Your lack of love for your dearself is sapping all of us here out Trace your roots back to the ground, work out the problem for yourself

29. Thinking About You - Ariana Grande - I cried during this song at the concert. This song is about masturbating.

Had me arching my back, had my eyes rolling back Now you love me so good, I wish you would hurry up and come back

28. Me vs.The Highway - The Wonder Years - Remember when they only played this at the Buffalo date? I almost blacked out, I was so excited.

I remember me at eighteen Naked in your parent’s basement, young and careless, watching you blow smoke rings

27. Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper - That Park & Rec scene with April and Ann singing this? Yep.

If you’re lost you can look and you will find me, time after time

26. Solo - The Story So Far - This is the best song off of the self titled don’t @ me

I wish you’d just call, and we could hash it out I could tell you what I’m so mad about

25. Disappeared - Sorority Noise - No song has ever explained long term grief like this one

I let my hair down today, and I took a shower for the first time in what felt like weeks

24. Happy Birthday - Tiny Moving Parts - I don’t smoke weed, but this song definitely makes me feel like I do

Getting stoned in the back of a car, you have no idea where you are But you’re satisfied with life, and you don’t think twice of it

23. New Scream - Turnover - I’m really glad I’m finally in a field of study that I feel confident and happy in. When I was in the transition between Fredonia and nursing school, I was stressed out and sad. I felt so lost, and I would listen to this song all of the time for that year of my life.

Adolescent dreams gave to adult screams Paranoid that I won’t have all the things they say I need

22. Better Man - Little Big Town - I can’t believe Taylor Swift wrote one of her all time best songs and GAVE THAT SHIT AWAY!!!

You’re jealousy, I can hear it now. You’re talking down to me, like I’ll always be around You push my love away like it’s some kind of loaded gun, boy you never thought I’d run Sometimes in the middle of the night, I can feel you again But I just miss you and I just wish you were a better man

21. 6 God - Drake - Another go to gym song AND driving around while in a bad mood song. This was Drake’s last good album smh

And just like every single other thing in my life, you can have her when I’m finished

20. Die For You - The Weekend - Do you really get in a fight with your partner if you don’t listen to this song?

Even though we’re going through it, and it makes you feel alone Just know that I would die for you

19. Humming - Turnover - Molly told me to listen to this song when Michael and I started dating, because in her words “it’s the ultimate lovers song.” and holy fuck, she was right.

Show me why you’re always smiling, laugh again and make me fall in love

18. Settle Down - The 1975 - This is the best song off of the self titled, no question

You’re cold and I burn, I guess I’ll never learn

17. Wild Heart - Bleachers - Strange Desire as a whole is a very important album to me. It really got me through Mike’s death, and continues to to do this day

Now everything has changed, and it’s only you that matters I will find anyway to your wild heart

16. IV. Sweatpants - Childish Gambino - I think I listened to this every single day in the month of August, holy shit.

You’re faker than some sweet and low

15. Our Apartment - Aaron West & The Roaring Twenties - I remember being SUPER SICK at this concert, and Michael took care of me so well the whole time. I love my peach so much oh my God.

I found enough of your hairpins to build you a monument, a statue to loneliness

14. I’m Serious, I’m Sorry - Jeff Rosenstock - The lyric I’m about to share is my autobiography and I’m going to get the entire thing tattooed down my ribs like the Jasey Rae girl. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve screamed this bridge in my car while driving by myself down the 990.

Were you supposed to not go to college? Stay in your mom’s house on the computer Googling grief cures, talking to no one Waiting for life to start feeling better Waiting for pain to not be a constant

13. A Change Of Heart - The 1975 - Such a good “I’ve moved on” song

You used to have a face straight out a magazine, now you just look like anyone

12. …Ready For It? - Taylor Swift - I’m gay

In the middle of the night, in my dreams You should see the things we do, baby

11. Two Ghosts - Harry Styles - WOW I MISS HAYLOR

We’re not who we used to be We’re just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat

10. I Don’t Fuck With You - Big Sean - I’m so glad this made the top ten. Thank you to Big Sean for CLEANSING us with this song.

Everyday I wake up celebrating shit, why? Because I just dodged a bullet from a crazy bitch

9. I Wanna Get Better - Bleachers - This song has been integral in me coming to terms with grief and bettering myself as a person. This is the ultimate hype track.

I chase that feeling of an eighteen year old who didn’t know what loss was

8. Love Me - The 1975 - This is the song that really got me into The 1975

A decline in the standards are what we accept

7. One Last Time - Ariana Grande - This is the most underrated of all of her singles, smh. It’s so good?

I don’t really care if you’ve got her in your heart I really care is you wake up in my arms So one last time, I need to be the one who takes you home

6. Your Ex-Lover Is Dead - Stars - This song takes my breath away. It’s so fucking real, it’s so accurate. I love this song so much, I’m surprised it isn’t higher on this list to be honest.

It’s nothing but time and a face that you lose I chose to feel it and you couldn’t choose I’ll write you a postcard I’ll send you a note, from the house down the road from real love Live through this, and you won’t look back There’s one thing I want to say, so I’ll be brave You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave I’m not sorry I met you, I’m not sorry it’s over I’m not sorry there’s nothing to save

5. No Halo - Sorority Noise - This song reminds me of Shawn, I think about how he didn’t come home for Mike’s funeral a lot. This whole album meant a lot to me, and Citizen cancelling their show and Sorority Noise playing a full set is one of the best things that happened to me in 2017.

So when you show up to my funeral, will you be wearing white or black?

4. Sex - The 1975 - I didn’t realize I listened to this much 1975 this year, lol

Now we’re on the bed in my room, and I’m about to fill his shoes But you say no, you say no

3. Bonfire - Childish Gambino - I listened to this during every workout I did this year, it’s such a pump up song

Tell me how I suck again my memory is hazy

2. Somebody Else - The 1975 - This song sounds like Depeche Mode and I am in love with it. It’s so pretty, and my sister and I would listen to it together all of the time.

I’m looking through you while you’re looking through your phone and then leaving with somebody else I don’t want your body, but I hate to think about you with somebody else

1. Cutting My Fingers Off - Turnover - Let the record show that if Michael and I ever break up, you can find me on my bedroom floor listening to this on an endless loop

To make you go, to make you go, I never wanted to make you go You might be a stranger now, but I just wanted to let you know that I meant what I said

#personal #that took forever jesus christ #Spotify

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onemanzerosquad · 5 years ago

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New York Blackbeard Diary Pt. 3

Day 11.......Woke up.....Started my day getting breakfast then headed to my neurologist office to get my form from my job in regards to my restrictions. After, went to the library to print out documents in regards to a situation that led to someone purchasing something from a PayPal. Pretty much someone hacked into my PayPal and purchase a monthly subscription to watch a show smh. As I was heading to work, I thought about all of my problems and have decided to take care of all the problems. Feels like time is not on my side in my opinion and I can no longer deal with the bullshit no longer. As take care of the problems head on, I have no problem dealing with consequence even if my body limitations is at risk cause. I'm alone in this and that's no one fault cause everyone has their own problem to fix.

On on to the side story......2012.......

The new year started and I was in a long distance relationship. Unfortunately, It didnt last long. Obviously, communication was the cause of the problems. From there I was talking to girls got into a relationship but that didnt even last too. Then I saw her. Now I'm not gonna write her government name. So I'm gonna name her HopelessRomantic. Unlike every women I've been with physically, I actually found her online. I didn't expect her to give me a chance but she did. At first, we were back and forth breaking up and making up. Then mid year, she broke up with thru a inbox smh. She was right tho, I wasn't doing anything with my life and she felt I had no ambition. It's crazy because before she broke up with me, I wanted to let her know that I finally got a job lol. During that time til September, I was dating and talking to other women but at the same time trying to get back with HopelessRomantic. Then at one point, HopelessRomantic was going through a tough time. So I took an opportunity to help her out. I was making sure she was okay. Then one day there was a BWA (beach) reunion show and since I told HopelessRomatic about my backyard wrestling career, I invited her to the show. That day was interested as I got to see some of the guys even my first love and by the night, I brought her home and "Netflix and chill" happened lol. It was our first time doing something after 9 months of us knowing eachother. From that moment on we were back together but this time she trusted me and gave me another chance of love again. On to other things,in that year I started wrestling officially in BWA (Bronx). I had a chance to wrestle in RCW but I decided not to go. I knew I wasn't going to be comfortable there and plus the only people I would mostly trust would be the DIW wrestlers that I meant in 2011. Everyone else ehhhhh (the white boys weren't really there lol). BWA (Bronx) hands down was the best time of my backyard wrestling career. Holy Convictions Tag Team with Genocide, 4 aces, matches with Loco, Dixon, Dom The Don, my epic match against Gencocide that open everyone's eyes, and the match of the event of SuperShowDown (their Wrestlenania), against Joker. I had a epic time in the BWA (Bronx). Now back to HopelessRomantic. Our relationship was great. Our families liked us together, I got to see her often, I was working, the sex was great lol, and she even motivated me to actually go to college. The original plan was to go study Criminal Justice. Then December hit and after the hurricane, I came from chilling with a friend and HopelessRomantic send me a message on Facebook breaking up with me. There wasn't a particular reason. She wrote like an essay but it had nothing to do with me. I can only assume she wasn't interested anymore. So the year was heading to its end. So I decided to live it up with Black, Red, Green, and Blue Label with some 40s. Regardless of the break up, I still had good year.

Day 12.......Woke up and started my day with a cup of coffee. Went to my job to pick my check check my app to see how much since I started last week and today was pay week and apparently I got no pay listed on this week. So I can only assume my next check will make up for last week or something. Money is always with no value hard to get by but hey whatever. So went on my morning and TD Bank to fax the people apart of my dispute case and unfortunately the bank printing machine doesn't work doesn't work. So another Negative Nancy in the poison air of New York City. After work, I saw my Autismo crew (J God, Weirdo, and Porn Plug). Chopped it up a little bit and by the way F**K WWE 2K!!!!!

On on to the side story......2013......

2013 new year.....still working on and off. Surprisely, me and HopelessRomantic kept in contact regardless of the breakup. One day I brought her over just to chill. She got cozy which didn't bother cause she was single as was I. From what I remember, we were talking and it led to her being emotional and she was crying. So held her tight then boom......we had sex......The next day we were talking and I kinda express to her I wanted to get back together but she didn't want that. I actually cried but accepted and got over it. Probably like a month later, she got into a relationship with someone else which sucked even more. Other than that I signed up for a program that dealt with Digital Media and did well in the program. I was still working but not as much. My birthday but on that day I was sick (for about a week). After I healed, I started this new job that my guy Dirty Sandchez aka Eyevrows from Getaway hook me up with. It was an maintenance job. Did the job and all. July 4th hit and partying up drinking doing my thing. I woke up and got a call from HopelessRomantic letting me know that her Aunt passed. All I had was tears cause her aunt meant a lot The last time I talk to her was Mother's Day so the pain was more. I was mad and I played Dante's Inferno with anger. From morning til night, I beat the game. The one thing I notice alot that day was I had double vision that whole day. I would think that would be gone by the morning but it wasn't. After hanging out with my boy. I started to fall easily and constantly told I looked crossed eyed. By August my left leg felt like I or sprained it. August I finally hit the switch and started college. I was studying Mental Health/Domestic Violence Counseling. First semester went well. All As and 1 B. I even had my own little crew.

SIDE NOTE: One person in that crew ending up being my girlfriend (2016)

During the first semester I was still dealing with my health problems. Things got worse. My hands were so numb that I couldn't write. My double vision was there everyday and I had a hard time walking on my left leg. After going to the emergency room doing MRIs and Catscans and testing my strength with a group of neurologists and constantly hearing that I'm so young (I was 22), I saw a neurologist and he told me that I have Multiple Sclerosis.......

Day 13........Woke up, got ready, and speed walked to the bus stop to get to work. Unfortunately, I got a little late due to the bipolarness of the bus coming on schedule. When. I got to work, I couldn't punch in due to the app I punch in on couldn't connect to the server. After work, I went to see a friend that I haven't seen in quite some time and that was pretty much my day.

On on to the side story......2014.......

2014 came. I finally got my finally treatment after waiting for months for insurance reasons smh. I had to take it every week. I continued college by taking free classes inthe winter semester which was apart of Fall semester. As a result passed both classes with an A. From there my GPA was 3.6. With my education background with a learning disability, D equalivent grades, being in special ed classes, and receiving services due to my learning disability, for a guy with a incurable health condition that pretty much messes with your body depending on the central nervous system state, it was remarkable for something like that to happen. Spring semester hit and once again did my thing in classes, went on dates, and followed the routine of being on grind. Then the summer semester hit and I was offered to take a short summer class and I took it of course since it was free. That morning of first day of the class, I wanted to do the impossible and walked from my home to school (Albemarle and East 19 to Manhattan Beach). It took about 3 hours. Got to class on time and kind sat around or whatever. Some other people got inthe class and informed the professor that they were in the other classroom. For some odd reason I was more aware of a woman saying that then the others. Crazy cause that same woman ended up being my girlfriend by the end of September. We ain't saying government names. So her name for this post is Hermione (she likes Harry Potter). She had tattoos, smart, and she was honest for what I feel most of the time. Eventually the relationship didn't last and ended the same way.......a message. Her reasons made sense I guess (went too fast). Honestly I don't believe time should be a determining factor for a relationship to happen. If you feeling this person then give it a shot but that's just my opinion. Also, in 2014, I officially ended my backyard wrestling career against my friend, my brother, and my on screenplay rival Rodney Banks. It was the perfect ending to the legend that was called Heavy D.

Day 14.......Woke up. Gather some clothes and did some laundry. Sat outside for a little bit and headed back to the shelter and took a power nap. Woke up about 3 and watch One Piece Episode 901. I'm already current with the manga. So I'm basically watching what I already read. That was pretty much my Sunday. Plus I need all the rest for the upcoming days of this week. I gotta say, I'm slowly getting myself together to the point that people inthe shelter are noticing me more as hardworking individual. I'm always on the move and that's being notice and respected by people in the shelter.

On on to the tragic side story......2015

2015 started off okay. Winter semester was a success. I saw Hermione. But I didnt really give her attention after the break up but after we talked, we became friends and that was it nothing more. Spring semester came and I did my thing again and lived the college life but got a job. So now I'm get on my grind and officially had no time for much. Summer was here and my mother was working getting her passport to go back to Jamaica and see her family after years. One time I came from work and as usual expected my mother to be home since she doesn't like to be out late. She nevered came home which was extremely alarming. Call the police and I was informed that she was in the hospital in the city. Got to the hospital and use the phone to locate and she was in the 3rd floor ICU. I didn't know what ICU meant at that time but I knew it was something bad. Got to the ICU and saw my mother........Hospital covered with a bandage on her head as if someone bash a metal bat on her head. Come to find out, she had a seizure and fell on head in the street very hard. I was in tears. All I can remember was that the last time I saw her she told me that she was heading out. My mind was wtf like this ain't real. Called everyone I can call and every got the news that my mother was inthe hospital. She eventually got transfer to a rehab center in Far Rockaway Queens. Things seem to be okay. Then I come home from a hard day at home and I get phone call from a friend informing me that something happened and my younger brother didn't sound okay on the phone. Went to the hospital my mother was sent to. Her eyes was closed. Next couple of days saw her as the machine was helping her breath not responding or reacting inthe room. The doctor spoke to me and younger brother and pretty much said there a very little chance they can help. By October 12th. My younger brother called me and informed me that our mother died........

Day 15......Woke up.....Had to skip gym again. I had to get my mail and sent some emails. After, I went straight to work. After work, I happen to see a face I haven't seen in quite some time and we actually introduce our names after knowing each other for years. It's kind of cool knowing someone and finally just engaging in a conversation (just regularly). Then mailed my my money order to this One Shot Deal that I owe money to unfortunately. While on my way back to the shelter, I started thinking.....now knowing that just about everyone knows that I have Multiple Sclerosis......Hawk's Eye will be on me and my refusals from any assistance will make things a little more tough and edgier. So at this point, I have to be smart on everything I do. But I'm sure I'll get through this someway.

On on to 2016.......

2016 was here. After a hard 2015, I was able to keep the home, still work, made sure my health was good and survived a hard semester. I made the impossible possible. On the other hand, things were different. I started living somewhat a independent free life. I went to school, work, and party on the weekends. I was even going to the strip clubs and bars just living it up with my people. Eventually, I had this feeling like I needed to be what I was and I felt it was time to look for love again and I found it. No government names revealed. So her name was SoReal lol. I knew her since I started college (2013). We kept in contact and eventually we got together in July. It was love again. I haven't felt this type of love since my first relationship. She was smart, hardworking, and very determined to finish college. I was in love. When she felt she needed me, I was ready to help. We went on multiple dates. We talked all the time and we expressed that we loved each other. Other than love, I GRADUATED FROM KINGSBORO WITH AN ASSOCIATES!!!!! By September, I was city bound at City College. By the fall semester thing weren't good between me and SoReal. She distanced herself from me and with that I got less focus on school. Our relationship was so back and forth. When December hit, I got a letter from the landlord informing me that I must pay 3500 dollars in two weeks or I get evicted. So rent is not really being paid by my roommate, I'm barely getting thru college, and my relationship is a mess. As a result, I was still in relationship surprisingly, I pass my classes (barely), and I had to ask for assistance from this service called the One Shot Deal (where your whole rent is paid off but you got to pay back the money that was covered. 2017......would finally bring me to the limit.....

Not everything was meant to be......

Jikai........One Last Time. The Past From The Last View 2017 The Fall Of A Headliner

Mad King Recharging Arc

#sheltersystem #shelter #newyorkminute #thepastisthepast #impeldown #muken

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whiskasgirl · 7 years ago

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Tenka Wedding Event (in the Lords’ POV) - Hideyoshi

@amigoingbananas ask and you shall receive~ Also tagging @shioune~ hope you’ll find this post useful and enjoy it! ^^

If you’d like to read the original event from december to catch up, please refer to this post. I indicated the same scenes with italics (there's some rewording and added bits here and there tho).

Spoiler warning - read at your own discretion!

Part 1

MC should be up already, but Hideyoshi can’t find her anywhere. He thinks this strange and has a bad feeling so he looks for her in her room, but he finds it empty. There’s a letter on her desk and he reaches for it with shaking hands. Its contents are the same as before. “This is just like that time”, he thinks. That time before he proposed to MC, Lord Nobunaga ordered him to take Lady Kodera(?) as his wife for strategical reasons and MC left him. [Note: I’m guessing this is referencing a past event? I’d love to read it D:] This is just a dream, he realizes, and yet his heart still hurts. The scenery suddenly changes and he finds himself outside, running. Even the gloomy rain clouds in the sky seemed to reflect MC’s heart at that day. It starts to rain and it soon turns into a downpour. He notices MC running away and he desperately chases her and calls her but can never reach her and it’s as if she couldn’t hear him.

Hideyoshi wakes with a start and MC’s worried face fills his vision. She apologizes for waking him up but it seems he had a nightmare. When Hideyoshi realizes she’s really there with him and everything is all right he strongly embraces her to calm himself.

The next morning, in the mids of the usual lively atmosphere while MC serves breakfast, Hideyoshi remembers again how much he moved up in the world, from peasant to a lord with a castle and how much he’s thankful for the people around him.

Nobunaga calls Hideyoshi to his castle and gifts him a delicate tea set for married couples. Hideyoshi looks up at him with surprise, as he thought they were going to discuss his appointment as general but Nobunaga only smirks and tells him to use the set when he gets married with MC. Leaving Nobunaga’s chamber he meets with Nagaharu on the hallway. Since Nobunaga appointed Hideyoshi as commander for the chuugoku region and not him, their relationship became strained and awkward. “I won’t accept this” is the only thing he says to him before leaving Hide behind.

Back at Nagahama castle they celebrate Hideyoshi’s appointment as general. It’s late at night when it’s over and MC and Hide prepare for sleep back in their room. He wishes these peaceful days would just continue. While knowing full well that in these troubled, warring times it’s a naive thought, he still can’t help thinking it. As if reading his thoughts, MC snuggles up to him and he puts an arm around her in return. He tells her he wants to support Nobunaga in making a peaceful world without wars and MC promises she will support him along the way. Then he says that on way to Himeji castle they could also visit her mother in Kyoto and how nervous he is about it which MC founds cute and laughs a bit. With a playful smile on his face Hideyoshi pushes her down on their bedding and peppers her face with kisses. “I want to make you my wife soon” he murmurs sweetly, to which MC answers she wants to become his wife too. As they strongly embrace their kisses gradually become deeper and they make love until daybreak~

Part 2

As promised, they arrive at MC’s family restaurant, where Hideyoshi formally introduces himself and they eat dinner together. Watching MC surrounded by family warmth makes him feel lonely but he doesn’t let it show on his face. He can’t help but feel himself an “outsider” after all. While MC and her mother are back washing the dishes Yahiko addresses him with a serious expression. He tells him that he promised their father that he will protect his mother and sister, then asks Hideyoshi if he will protect MC from now on instead of him. Hideyoshi answers just as seriously that he will protect her with his life. To solidify this they make a pinky promise. Hideyoshi and MC spend the night in her old room. Hide confesses that her family reminds him of the warmth of his own family he lost in the past to which MC replies his relationship with Mitsunari and the others seems like a family and feels just as warm to her. Waking up early before MC, Hide goes down to drink something where he meets MC’s mom. She tells her the MC talked about him so happily to her and that she would be pleased if Hideyoshi would consider them his family too. Before leaving for Himeji castle MC’s mom gifts them a tea set for married couples which MC happily accepts.

Since moving to Himeji castle their plans to capture the region were coming along nicely however they recieve a report that Houzuki castle got attacked by the Mouri. They have fewer numbers than the enemy army but Hideyoshi still decides to go to their rescue while asking Nobunaga for reinforcements.

Part 3

They suffer great losses at Kouzuki castle but Hideyoshi still waits for reinforcements. They eventually receive a missive from Nobunaga with only one word in it: “retreat”. Hideyoshi thinks up all kind of excuses for Nobunaga but Nagaharu is very angry about this and yells at him. “Are you Nobunaga’s little lap dog?!” Hideyoshi still decides they can’t go against a direct order and leave the soldiers at Kouzuki castle to their fates.

As they return to Himeji castle, Hideyoshi secludes himself in a room and remembers Nagaharu’s cold and disappointed gaze on him when he left the main hall previously. “I misjudged you” Hide recalls his words with intense regret when a timid voice calls for him. Coming to himself, he forcibly puts on his usual demeanor as if nothing happened, but he still can’t bring himself to look into her worried eyes. “What is it?“ he asks, intending to sound cheerful, but it still comes out as snapping at her coldly. She excuses herself and tells him to call her when he needs her.

When he hears her leaving he automatically reaches out to her, but just as he would stop her he remembers Nagaharu’s retreating back as he stormed out of the main hall. “I’m alive while we left them all for dead at Kouzuki” he said. He let so many people die. Is it alright for him to touch MC with those hands? He lets her leave and lets out a self-deprecating laugh.

A few days after Kouzuki’s fall they recieve a report that Nagaharu betrayed the Oda clan for the Mouri and Nobunaga orders Hideyoshi to use starvation tactic on Miki castle. This causes a big uproar among his retainers, especially Kiyomasa is against the idea. That evening nobody appears for dinner at the main hall. MC brings their meal to their room instead and Hideyoshi notices with surprise that she used the set for married couples they received from her mom. MC asks him if he already decided what he wants to do “to protect the things he finds precious, the things he can’t give up”. When he hears this he sees his retainers and MC in front of his eyes. And that’s when he realizes when he thinks about the important people he wants to protect, Nobunaga is no longer among them. He gratefully hugs MC to himself while burying his face in her shoulder. Just thinking that whatever happens she’ll always stays beside him fills his chest with sweet feelings.

Part 4

Hideyoshi wants to spare Nagaharu so instead of using starvation tactic he decides to offer a chance to surrender themselves. Their plan succeeds as they manage to infiltrate Miki castle, however Hideyoshi can’t stop Nagaharu from committing suicide. Hideyoshi is so regretful that later he confesses to MC it made him start to think there’s a different road to unification apart from Nobunaga’s after all. MC promises to follow him whatever might happen and they embrace.

After things have settled down, they return to Nagahama castle to finally celebrate their wedding. The night before, Kiyomasa calls Hideyoshi to the main hall where they all throw him a bachelor party~ They’re all drinking when Kiyomasa asks Hide what is it that made him fall in love with MC. Just as he would answer, he notices a shadow at the door and he instantly recognizes it as MC. He starts to list her good points in a deliberately loud voice so she would hear it well. When Kiyomasa asks how many more does he want to list Hide chuckles. “I can’t decide, I love everything about her. But most of all” he continues to the shadow, “she regards you guys as a family just as me.“ At that he sees the shadow quietly leave.

Eventually Hideyoshi slips out from the party and returns to their room, where he teases MC for eavesdropping on them. (”I have a lot more things I love about you, do you want to hear them?”) Then asks her if she’s nervous about their wedding and shows her how fast his heart is beating. They kiss and spend a sweet night together~

They hold their wedding the next day and after it’s over, they take a walk together in the garden when it suddenly starts snowing. Hideyoshi holds an umbrella above them and looks down at MC with a loving smile. “From now on we’re husband and wife. Let’s make a warm family.” He cups her cheek and in return she places her hand on his and they share a kiss under the gently falling snow~

After you finish the route you receive a letter from Hideyoshi:

“You probably don’t even know how much your presence has saved me. You’re really unreplaceable and more important to me than anyone and I am no longer capable letting you go. I’m a blessed man that we became husband and wife, a family. I love you, Toyotomi Hideyoshi”

#tenka touitsu koi no ran #samurai love ballad party #toyotomi hideyoshi #my translations #event summary #spoilers #long ass post alert

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selfcareparker · 3 years ago

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hi aria <3 (i just noticed “love letters only” LMAO well good thing this is one of those 😌) it’s lovely anon, sorry for being a shit friend lol but here’s everything i’ve had drafted to send you (well not everything! that would be a lot HAHA)

this is more recent but: can’t wait for the blurb!! (you said it was a blurb right? i can’t find it on your blog now but it was something hdgshs) and the squeaky sneakers 😭😭 stoppppp i can’t

about your theme and your pants lmao:

aw come on i bet ur theme will look great :) aND IM HAPPY ABOUT YOUR TROUSERS LOL but i’ve really been up to nothing? WAIT THATS A LIE- so school ended (yay!!) and ya know i’m still dancing bUT i didn’t go to rehearsal last night (the 27th) bc i hurt my back :/ long story short i was at my brothers football game and they won (like for the first time lol) and i got really excited, i jumped and when i landed (which was on two feet!) my back immediately hurt. i’m okay though!! i went to the doctor and they said it’s just a backache, take it easy, don’t go to dance until next week so yeah :)

update!!! i went to dance last night (the 3rd), almost had an anxiety attack because the it’s the sECOND TO LAST REHEARSAL UNTIL THE SHOW AND I FEEL LIKE IM STILL LOOKING LIKE SHIT 🙃 but my teachers are really nice and they told me i look goooodddd and it’s fineeee so it calmed me down a bit :)

i’m still singing too, i’m in this group which i hate lol but my mom unfortunately said i should finish it out, 1) bc my younger brother is in it and he’s really excited about it which ya know yea i get it, and i don’t mind, 2) bc she paid for it 😭😭 but yeah i can’t wait until that’s over!!

clearly i am very nervous about everything haha anyway, i’m gonna be active more though . i miss talking to you, like a lot lol & i feel like it doesn’t come through BC IM NEVER ACTIVE 😭 but i think you’re the coolest person and whenever i see you post or reblog i’m like ARIA!!! so. love u girl, expect me to blow up your ask box and make u sick of me 🙃 (kidding lol, also i’ve been using that emoji a lot recently..)

ALSO ONE OTHER THING THAT IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO TELL YOU: there was a thing you reblogged AGES AGO and it was about kids who want their parents to get divorced lmao and how they’re awesome. anyway THANKS HAAH, this is probably so random, but anyway i’ve given you like bits and pieces of my home life but i can’t wait for my mom and dad to split up lol like honESTLY WAITING FOR IT

god this makes me sound bored, lonely, and depressed. #lonely anon is really coming through huh. but how’ve you been? just tell me all about it, clearly i’m doing nothing so <3

Snsjsh i forgot to post the blurb (idk if i should call it a blurb or not tbh?) lmao i got nervous and saved it to my drafts even though i had it scheduled for 45 mins ago </3 but i’ll post it after i respond to this ask (idk why but i was so excited reading your ask dksjmm <333)

Omg no need to apologise!!! Also you can literally send me everything and anything you want i’ll always be excited every time lmaoo even if it’s a lot, that’s even better!!!!

I was about to say get well soon but you said you had your rehearsal so that means your back is better i assume (and hope) which is amazing ❤️ (also congrats to your brother <3 i died when you said it was the first time they won aufisjssjk)

GOOD LUCK (even though you don‘t need it 😌 i‘m with your teachers on this one!) FOR YOUR SHOW I KNOW YOURE GONNA BE AMAZING AAAHH💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖 Oh also i realised i dont even know what type of dance you do?

Not the singing group thingjfjhh😩 But yeah like your mom said it‘ll probably be amazing for your brother! And idk which one you‘re talking about so idk how old he is but i‘m sure in the future he‘ll be grateful and think it‘s cool that you got to do it together 🥺!!!! but also it‘ll probably be over soo quick and you‘ll be like oh that was quick so. (What was that Sentence dkdjdjjd)

I get that you‘re nervous tho :( but i hope it‘s not a constant state of anxiety and maybe you can change it into being excited about it (isn‘t that what Tom always says? I don‘t find it very helpful 💀 but maybe you do <3)

Dkdkdkdk the parent thing 😭 my parents used to argue alllllllll the time and i‘d like cry in my room every night lmao (is this too personal? lnaodjdkd i mean i feel comfortable with you so idc) and my mom/mum (lol) still says why did i marry your father? at least once a week and I know she MEANS it too but💀 i mean idk what exactly your situation is but i know everything‘ll turn out the best way possible (yk on a long term basis) and maybe you‘ll get two Christmases so that‘s good difkldndns

Okay what‘s new with me.... nothing lmao. I think i‘ll get my driver‘s license soon like i was supposed to have my test in june but that‘s probably not happening so i hope my test will be during the beginning of july because mid/late july i have exams and that‘s already enough stress :( (also i feel like i‘ve been talking about my driving for like six months and still don‘t have my license eldjdkdj (or is it licence???? I think license is the verb but idk) BUT! that‘s just because i didn‘t have any lessons between december and march? because of covid and i‘ve been just waiting to get a test date since april 😭 but because of covid everything is taking so long and yeah </3

Talking about driver‘s license (🥴) i have finally listened to more olivia rodrigo songs and i reallly dont like the sad ones bc they give me anxiety tbh (but most sad songs do so), but i like brutal and jealousy, jealousy (or is it called jealous, jealous? Idk). I have no idea if you even like her but i remember how you said deja vu was good so maybe you like her?

Also I‘m getting my first covid vaccine next week (i know the US is way ahead of us lol but I’m getting mine very early like most of my friends couldn‘t get theirs yet so) BUT i‘m scared that i have covid 😭😭 i went to a friend‘s house the other day and she was gonna walk me home but then we met people from some of her uni courses and i didn‘t mind them (don’t know how i managed that without an anxiety attack tbh) but we were very close and i accidentally hugged one of them dkdkdjdj (accidentally because i forgot covid exists) andddd i‘ve had a cough for a few days but i‘m probably (most likely) just paranoid. also idk if i should cancel my driving lesson which is friday (one day after my jab)(is the word jab a british thing? my (british) grandparents keep saying jab)

Uni has been a bit boring to be honest shdldhsldh but i guess boring is better than hard? not much to talk about theresjdkdkd

Snsnsjsh well i hope you‘re doing well otherwise and i know you‘ll slay your performance and the singing thing will be over soo quick so yeah. you can always come to my inbox (even with non love letters (tbh i thought i‘d changed that to just say letter box dudlfhdkdk)) 💘💘💘💘 love youuuuuu

#lovely anon #<3

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chosenundeaad · 7 years ago

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A (not so) brief story of my last years (TRIGGER WARNING: abuse and suicide mentions)

Hello peeps, I decided to share my experience with you. I’m doing so not to get attentions for myself, but because I just need to share my (I’d say horrible) experiences with someone, and I guess that what happened to me could serve as a warning to those that are in a similar situation. I guess it could motivate you guys that are struggling with the same (or similar) situation I was in to do something about it and finally get out of that shit.

(adding that link below because it will be a long post)

Okay, this story features three people: me, my ex boyfriend (we’ll call him A) and a (now not anymore) great friend of mine (we’ll call her B). I’ll try to avoid going too much into details, because I want to respect their privacy, but still I need to share that with you. Okay, let’s begin.

It was year 2014, and I was attending a course at school for getting an english level certificate. I knew no one in that course, so i was always sitting by myself when, once day, I noticed a girl (B) with a Legend of Zelda bag. Since I love the franchise, I decided to talk to her and, after not too many lessons, I finally found the strenght to go to her and say “hi”. We quickly became friends, and passed a lot of time together. I couldn’t imagine where this friendship would have led me, but we’ll get there later.

The same year, I met a guy who lived kinda near me (A). We became friends, we met quite often too and I had a little crush on him? However, at the end of that summer, he disappeared without saying anything nor giving me reasons. I was kind of devastated and angry but I moved on and met new people. However, during the end of October and the start of November, I contacted him again and I got a response. He apologized and we started talking again. My crush (unfortunately) came back and, on December (after some dates) we were a couple.

When I told B about it, she looked happy for me, truly. But now, when I see things with a new knowledge, I think she was disappointed, angry and sad at the same time. We continued to meet and talk as usual, but she slowly became more attached and kind of oppressive in some ways? But I didn’t notice, because I wasn’t aware of her feelings toward me. During mid 2015 and through almost all of 2016, B fainted at school (I was there) and got sick. She had to go to the hospital, and she remained there for a long time (she passed a long period alternating hospital and home, if you get what I mean). Docotrs couldn’t tell why she kept fainting, until they realized it was a psychological problem. B started a therapy and slowly got better.

Going back to A, our relationship was growing a lot. After 4 months, we had a crysis where he questioned his feelings, and I was scared he would leve me, because I still loved him. That didn’t happen, and I was relieved. However, this was the start of a new stage of our relationship, which can be easily described as Hell, for me. A slowly became more and more possessive, angry and mean to me. I didn’t notice until it was too late: we had arguments, sure, but it’s normal in a couple. But when the arguments we had became stupid as fuck (ex. I couldn’t call “Anna” my best friend because A knew a person with that name in the past) a bel started ringing in my ear. It was telling me to end that relationship, because it was leading to an horrible future. Did I listen? Of course not, because I was dumb!

Going on, we were near our first anniversary, and things became to go down. I invited him to pass Christmas with me, but he refused and started screaming at me. He told me that he wanted to join the Army instead. I told him my opinion: he couldn’t join the Army, it was an HORRIBLE idea considering the fact he was ALWAYs ill AND he had a rare eye disease that gave him constant headache + could make him blind if it got worse. I told him that he would not be accepted in the first place because of that. His reaction: he went absolutely NUTS.

He told me he didn’t need me and my support, he told me that I was dumb as fuck and that if I didn’t want him to join the Army I would have to just keep quiet and accept it because he would’ve done it anyway. He told me that for him my opinion counted less than zero and that I would have to fucking wait for him to come back home from the missions and if I decided to leave him he wouldn’t care less. He would find another girl because I meant nothing.

He started mentally abusing me every fucking day, leading me to confusion, distress and constant anxiety/panic attacks. However, I couldn’t put an end to that toxic relationship. I needed help but couldn’t ask for it as I thought no one would want to help me get out of this horrible situation. My school grades went down, I risked to lose this school year because of how fucking lame I felt.

Good thing is that thanks to some friends I finally managed to get out of that relationship. Bad thing is that it didn’t end up there. A started stalking me, abusing me again even tho I wasn’t his girlfriend anymore. He got obsessed over me, and didn’t want to leave me alone. I’ll list some things he did, in a not particular order, without giving too many details or else I will never end that post:

Telling me multiple times he would kill himself if I didn't change my mind.

Telling me that he would hurt my friends if I didn’t change my mind.

Trying to convince me that I absolutely needed him or else I couldn’t live without him.

Trying to corrupt me in loving him again with gifts I never asked for.

Coming back to my house where I was away and talk to my mother, asking to put a giant poster to convince me to change my mind about him.

Giving me an USB pen with some crypted files and telling me that maybe he would’ve given me the password for opening them in an attempt to make me curious and coming back to him to get the password and, after reading what was writteng in the file, going back to him and begging him to be his girlfriend again.

When I blocked him on Telegram and Whatsapp, he started stalking me on my social media and every other place I frequented and was active on. This led to me blocking him everywhere else. Despite that, he’s still trying to contact me.

Now, let’s go back to B. During the end of 2015, she confessed her feelings to me. She told me that she was in love with me and asked me to be her girlfriend. However, I declined as I didn’t love her and offered my friendship instead. Well, needless to say that didn’t work.

B disappeared for a rather long time, coming back in 2016. I thought everything was finally over when I received a message from her. Well... not really. I discovered she lost her memory and didn’t remember me. I thought this was a good chance to actually start a new chapter of our friendship, and that maybe she wouldn’t fall in love with me again and have an happy ending with another girl. I was wrong again.

She confessed to me on November 2016, I rejected her for the second time, telling her once again that I didn’t feel the same towards her, that I could just offer her a pure, deep and great frienship. She disappeared, for the second time. She even left school, and I didn’t hear about her for some months. Near the end of February she asked me if she would stay to my place for a couple of days. I could’t host her, and the day later I discovered she ran away from home. After that, I’ve met her on my birthday, and then she never talked to me again. Until last week.

She sent me a message, telling me that she was gonna die soon. I was fucking scared, and decided to meet her the day after. It was a lie just to convince me to meet her. What happened scared the hell out of me: after trying to convince me to be her girlfriend (she told me she already tried to kill herself because of me, that her parents hates me and that they think it’s my fault if she almost died. She told me she’s not afraid to try that again and that if I won’t be her girlfriend, she’ll attempt suicide once again.), B tried to... it’s hard to actually write that, but she tried to sex assault me. I won’t go into details, I don’t want to remember that shit, it’s giving me a lot of nightmares and I can’t get it out of my head. I’m still scared. But that happened. A friend that I trusted just did that to me.

I ran away and blocked her everywhere. I don’t want to see her again. I don’t care anymore. I just want to forget everything and have a normal life.

Long story short: if you see that thing are going down, don’t try to be like me: don’t be as stupi as I was, because I gave to these people more chances than what they deserved and the only thing I got out of it are nightmares, anciety and panic attacks and a hella lot of horrible experiences hunting me.

Be safe, really.

#personal #story #my life

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clarkfamily · 7 years ago

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Mabelle Peabody - DIARY - 1907 - 15 years old

Mabelle Alma Peabody born 13 December 1891

“Mabelle 1907” Harold b 1 Jan 1903 Irene b Oct 1903

“15 years old”

“Property of Mabelle Peabody from her mother Xmas 1906”

“Mabelle Alma Peabody [indecipherable] 156 Mascoma Street, Lebanon, New Hamp.” [Blue Site: hse purchased March 1903]

2 days per page

Headings on page: Ther. Tues. Jan. 1, 1907 Wea.

Harold is 4 years old today.

Warm tho’ cold wind. Wet & sloshy.

School began. Nothing new. Resolved: to keep a diary; to read a chap. every night (now at Mar’8); to do more studying outside of school; to do better every way. Papa still at Windsor, Vt., — has been baling hay there nearly a month. Mama had the misfortune to lose the inside of her fountain pen. Came home to dinner. [dinner is mid-day meal, so she would have walked home from her school, wherever it was.]

Wednesday 2

Somewhat warmer – icy walking. Mama bought a Waterman’s pen to-day. Don’t quite like it. I think she’ll exchange it. Received letters from Mabel W. & Alice Holton. Came home to dinner yesterday and to-day. Mama got thrown from the sleigh — the runner caught while crossing the track. No one hurt. No damage done.

Ther. Thurs. Jan. 3, 1907 Wea.

colder — and icy.

Pa came home to-day, almost 9 o’clock without supper. Has finished pressing hay down the river. [Windsor is down-river from Lebanon.] Pa came near running onto a live wire on his way home with the team tonight from Hartland. It’s 11 am. Good night. As a New Year’s present I got a — — from Aunt Ella P.

Friday

cold

Went to school as usual. Had a German [———] Went down to Ernest and Ann’s tonight with Eva [—]. Had a fun time. Played dominos. Eed beat. Pa’s pressing hard at WRJ [White River Junction]. The electric lights were put in just before Xmas. Used about $1.00 of electric so far.

Saturday Jan 5

about same.

Washed my hair. Ma went uptown late in the p.m. No mail or news. Have done no studying for Mon.’s lessons. Now at 1 pm some children are sliding down up here — seem to enjoy it very much — I have not been this winter.

Sunday 6

Looks like spring. rain.

None of us went to church today or S.S. [It would have been Christian Science.] In fact, went nowhere at all. Stayed to home directly and studied. Intended to start half a dozen letters. — — —.

Mon. Jan. 7

warm, and raining in eve.

Went to school. Had most of my lessons. Got my report card. Got S. in Eng, German, Geometry, V in [lealsesr]. Last time ‘twas Eng, Geo, Latin V, S in German, better! Eh? Got a pretty card from M.H.W. (Mabel Wilson.) Went to bed at 11:30. --- a lot.

Tuesday Jan 8

colder. flurries of snow. Rain & hail during the day. Myrtle Cole came down after school. We went out sliding on a hand sled. Couldn’t find the tranverse. Came home for dinner to-day for the 5th time this year ’07 or term. Dad’s finished pressing at WRJ, came home this evening. Bed 10:30.

Wed. Jan. 9

cold. Windy! and cold! Came home to dinner tho’ it was awfully cold and windy. Pa and the men (Arthur Holt & Geo. Stearn), off to Plainfield. Have been working on the hay press here out back of the barn. Got a letter from J.H[K?]D. and Aunt [Anna]. B--- --. [Written sideways in the margin: (CHS:07) This may mean “J.K.D. is in the class of 1907 at C. high school.) Am going to bed now 9-30. Isn’t that early for me?

Thurs. Jan. 10

40° colder this am than 80 --- [a lot more weather hard to read.]

Went to school of course and had dinner at the café! No news except it’s too cold to work, walk, or write in a diary in my room even. Took a test in German don’t expect to get passing on it. Bed – 9:30.

Fri. Jan.11

Stayed at café to dinner. Had a good time with Winnie Halley who boards there also. Think I should go home right away. a little warmer. cold enough. expected to go out sliding to-night but didn’t. Studied an hour to-night. My eyes ache. I feel dispirited, lonesome, or something. am retiring at 10:30 P.M.

Sat. Jan. 12

cold. about 3 in. of snow fall. Went to Laura Camp’s party, a celebration of her 17th anniversary of her birthday. About 10 out of 15 invited came. Lots of fun. N.E.D., Cathie Baulduc, Minnie H., and I gave her the “C.(Courtship) of Miles Standish” by L(Longfellow). Pa came home this pm around 3. (retiring about 11 !!!!!)

Sun. Jan. 13

Cold. pleasant.

Sum total of my doing: got up at 9. Went to church and S.S. Went to Eps---th League and heard Mrs. [Trompswich]’s lecture on “[Gyssy].” [wrote letters & a postcard to various people] Retired 11:00.

Mon. Jan. 14

Cloudy. Not sent to school. Myrtle A. Cole has left school and she and her folks are moving to Orange, Mass. Won’t I miss her, tho’. She takes it better than I should. I called to see her this p.m and stayed an hour. No other news. Good night. 10:30.

Tue. Jan. 15

Cold. Went to school. Took dinner at café. Called at Myrtle’s a few minutes. Began in the gym this p.m. Received some good advice and some exercises. We are to go every Tues., Thurs., Friday.

Wed. Jan 16

Myrtle C. & May Cobb came down after school and M. Cole and I made candy. Had a fun time. M also played Ouija. Went to café and paid my small bill. Think I paid too much. Mrs. F. doesn’t.

Thurs. Jan. 17

Too much cold to go out to see. Cold and clear.

Papa’s away pressing hay as usual and didn’t come home to-night. Water froze up in house, barn, and it took Ma about an hour to thaw it out. Haven’t seen Myrtle today. First time for a week! W--- w-- --- gym about an hour. (11 pm)

Fri. Jan. 18

Rather warmer. Went to school and went into gym about an hour. Myrtle Cole is staying overnight with me. She was here all eve and we had a fine time playing with the Ouija board. Pa came home tonight almost sick with a cold. This p.m. his hay press came all to pieces and splinters flew in every direction but no one was hurt at all. (10:45)

Sat. Jan. 19

---- -- & cloudy. Myrtle went home early this morning. I haven’t seen her since and haven’t seen any of the other girls either. Haven’t been outdoors today. Aunt Hattie D. came this M. and A. Holt. --- met her at the station. --- electricity ---

Sun. Jan. 20

Warm this morning but is fast getting cold now with a cold strong wind. I haven’t been to church today but Ma and Aunt Hattie went this a.m. I wrote letters to Aunts Ria and Addie respectively and sent souvenir cards to Will & Ethel Hazeltine, Wm. Paine, and Della Robinson. Haven’t been anywhere to-day except after the milk and the wind was so strong I thought I might not get back from there. We are getting our milk from Mary Brown’s at .05 a quart. Must retire now for it’s most 9:30. I got a nice letter from [Leonie] and [P----] today.

Mon. Jan. 21

Cold and clear. Icy walking. Stopped to Myrtle’s on my way home from school 15 minutes. Geo. Stearns’s father died Sat. night so Geo. S. did not come out to work to-day. No mail or other news to-day. Am going to retire at 9:30. Papa is feeling better.

Tue. Jan. 22

Warmer. Snowing slowly all day. Called at M.A.C.’s a while after gym. A ring .39 pins one each & a locket & chain came today from S.H.Burns & Co. They are very pretty. Papa went on the 6:40 from the Jct towards Albany, N.Y. where he has gone to see about buying a new press so we are alone to-night. Anna H. made over my yellow cream waist [shirt waist dress probably; possibly a blouse] and it's pretty. We are ---- --- of forming a ----- club next. (11:00)

Wed. Jan. 23

Cold and clear. Pa came home. Left Albany 11 last night and got here on the same train as 3 o’clock. Didn’t see Myrtle today. Didn’t have our sleigh ride as we planned. Aunt Hattie made me a Peter Pan waist this p.m. (bed 9:45)

Thur. Jan. 24

Cold & clear. It was 32° below 0 this morning. Papa’s home, but very ----. --- opposite --- MAS on my way at LHS. She was up to the farm (K---ist-d) to stay several days. Aunt H started my red checkered waist to-today. 9:15

Fri. Jan. 25

About the same. Aunt H has my red checkered done and started my green one. It was sunny all day. We had our session to-day and got out at 12:45. Came home to dinner. No news of any consequence. 9:30.

Sat. Jan. 26

About the same. It snowed all day. My green dress was finished to-day. Pa and --- have been working on ---- account all day. He went uptown in the p.m. No mail for me. 10:00.

Sun. Jan. 27

Colder. It was 18° below 0 this morning. I went to church to-day in my new green skirt and red waist and heard a minister from P Seminary preach. We’re all --- it him myself but I’m not bragging for it was too ---- yet. I sent a postal to Leonard P. and one to Marion King. A young man called this morning and asked for “has 3 daug—n-ts” which he got. Stamps are scarcer than --- ---- once. I’m going to bed almost 10.

Mon. Jan. 28

Almost same. Came down with the grippe this a.m. or last night. My stomach is awfully sore to-night. Stayed to gym to-night. The days of practice are changed to Mon., Wed., & Fri. Aunt Hattie is getting ready to move on to B. ----- ---- on the 8:15.

Tue. Jan. 29

Colder. Colder. Colder. My stomach is worse than yesterday. I did not go to school. Pa’s new hay press came to-day and he had it brought down to-night. My new gym suit has come. Harriet has [some talk about altering and cloth color and about Aunt Hattie] I miss her very much. Bed 9:30.

Wed. Jan. 30

Rather warmer. Did not go to school today either but am some better I think. Pa and Ma went to some [Lecture Course] entertainments. Had a good time I guess. (10:15).

Thur. Jan. 31

Colder. 15° below 0 8:30 this morning. I went to school but got excused from recitation. My eyes ached so this evening that I couldn’t study. Ma wrote some in the circular letter to-night. Pa is up at Earl Giles to-night. He began work with his new press to-day. I got a little note from Mrs. A. R. Today. She is well but somewhat lonesome I guess.

Fri. Feb. 1

Warmer. Cloudy. Went to-school to-day but didn’t feel much like it this morning. Papa came home to-night. Likes the new press OK. Received a good letter from Myrtle to-day. She is out at Kiniston’s farm still. No news or mail of consequence. Bed 10:45. Have used $3.00 of electricity so far.

Sat. Feb. 2

Warmer. Damp and wet out to-night tho it doesn’t quite rain. Pa was up ---- this AM. Pa came home early. Oh how I would like to see Myrtle. My eyes and cold are better but I don’t feel very good yet nevertheless. Will Spencer, Milton and Margory Spencer’s father died to-day and a collection was taken to get flowers for the funeral. 10:30.

Sun. Feb. 3

Colder. Gray & mushy. Did not go to church or S.S. Wrote Myrtle an 8-page letter. Did a little studying. Wrote a postcard to Jennie. Am feeling pretty well. Am going to bed early soon after 8:30.

Mon. Feb. 4

Cold and clear. Myrtle came down this morning for Mrs. Guy. Mrs. Guy hurt her neck so M came down to stay with her and help for a few days. I stopped in to see her to-night after school. We got out at 1:45 on account of Mr. Spencer’s funeral. I am late in getting to bed. 11:00.

Tue. Feb. 5

Snowed all day but the snow is light. We had only one long session at school to-day. Pa is still at Meriden. Myrtle is still at Guy’s but I didn’t stop to see her on my way home (12:30) I was too hungry. 11:00

Wed. Feb. 6

Colder. Somewhat cloudy. Called at Myrtle’s a while after L.H.S. Pa came home to stay over night. Myrtle thought she would come down to-night but had a ticket given her to go to the Fireman’s Ball so til. thought she would go there instead. I was sorry but not particularly, studied instead. Nellie F.P. is sick abed I hear. Her sister Margie came home from Littleton/Lewistown --- --- --- --- ---

Thur. Feb. 7

Went to school. Myrtle came down and spent almost an hour with me to-night. Nellie & Mabel Di are some better I understand. Went in today and yesterday to see about getting a new skirt at R&E. Haven’t got one yet. Am going to bed at 10:00.

Fri. Feb. 8

------. Warmer. Stayed to gym after school then stopped at Myrtle’s awhile. Went up and went to church at the Baptists with Lillian M. T. and then we went over to L.H.S. and heard the last of a lecture. Was so terribly interesting. I had a fine time. ---- ---- I could go every Friday. Have studied only Eng. yet. Bed 11:30.

Sat. Feb. 9

Colder and fair. Ma has been uptown awhile this p.m. Pa in the vicinity of house has been working on his engines. I should have done a lot of studying but haven’t. Looked for a piece to speak next ---- in school but didn’t find one that I quite liked. We are each owe to speak before the Eng. class in over a month. Bad! Bad! 11:00

Sun. Feb. 10

It has snowed nearly all day so none of us has been to church or S.S. I have written no letters, no postcards, but have studied Geo.[graphy?] & Geometry. Bad -i--- -- ---- --- light make my eyes ache quite hard this evening. The wind blows and it's a cold night. Bed 10.

Mon. Feb. 11

Cold and mucky. Have been studying most of the time but haven’t my lessons yet. Stayed for Gym and make-up for Geometry. Haven’t seen M since Fri. p.m. Pa and Ma went to a lecture in the “course” by Mr. McArthur. Good. [When they got home, they told Mabelle the lecture was good.] It’s quite cold tonight. Bed 11:15.

Tue. Feb. 12

Stayed after school to rehearse my piece to my teacher Miss Dole. Ma just almost finished the accounts on 9 mo accounts. This P.M. she went my to Mrs. B’s and they worked on them together. I was alone from 6 to now, 11:30. And am down with a cold I fear.

Wed. Feb. 13

Rather warmer. Went to S. Spoke my piece in Eng. class, fairly well. Got postal or Valentines from Cal. Also Irene and Harold have one. Pretty. No other news. Am going to bed now. Stayed to gym. Haven’t got a suit yet. Am feeling rather better tonight. 10:45.

Thurs. Feb. 14

Warmer. Snow’s melted considerable to-day. Came straight home from L.H.S. to-day. Have only got three lessons since I came, tho: Geo., Latin, & Eng. Mama went up St. awhile this p.m. with Mrs. E. Pa came home to-night. Harry Kenniston has not been to school for two days so I have not been able to hear from Myrtle for more than a wk.

Fri. Feb. 15

Went to L.H.S. Stayed to Gym. It was Miss Mann’s turn to lead. Went to church this eve. Had a fine time. Came home alone. Myrtle is down to her cousins’. Mrs. Guy’s on Mechanic Street and hasn’t been up to the farm in more’n a week. Have got [nyling] toward Mon’s lesson. ---- ---- ----. Retiring 9:35

Sat. Feb 16

Warm and sloshy walking. Did most of the housework as Ma didn’t feel very well and she went uptown the a.m. got back almost 2. I went up to Lilla T. and stayed to supper — got home almost 8. My Gym suit’s come and I bought some shoes to go with them. It’s OK two times I think. Ma went to a wedding anniversary --- --- --- Bed 10:45

Sun. Feb. 17

Cold. Has been slowly snowing most all day and the wind is blowing it into drifts. Ma and I went to church and I to S.S. Ma went to two sermons this eve. a union meeting at the Baptist and a meeting at the Meths. I wanted to go to the Union but couldn’t. I haven��t studied much to-day so must get up to --- m--- on M --- and my Latin. Retire 9:45

Mon. Feb. 18

Cold & clear & fair. L.H.S., Gym. Came directly home and have studied most ever since. Yet haven’t all my lessons tho. Pa is pressing hay now for Grafton and he is not going until to-morrow some time. Ma wrote to Aunt H. this evening. Retiring 9:45.

Tue. Feb. 19

Quite cold. Snow flurries towards night. Lilla came down and stayed with me while Ma’s away at a Grange Play at Enfield Center. Haven’t a great lot of studying this s---. My head aches like everything! Retiring 11:00

Wed. Feb. 20

Cold and fair. Lilla went up with me this a.m. but we started so late that we were almost tardy. In spite of the fact that I have had a sore throat and headache all day I went out sliding with Lelia Gardener. My eyes ache awfully. 8-9.

Thur. Feb. 21

Cold but fair. There is no more school until Mon. Tomorrow is the 22nd and a legal holiday. I am feeling better this eve. and I am going to bed now at 10.

Fri. Feb. 22

Ma went up with Mrs. Eeler to Mrs. Tomli’s to dinner and then came directly home for she’d then received word that Grandma D, Mrs. Moore, and little Phoebe Govellhurt (age 5) were coming here. They got here about two. I went uptown to mail some letters and also stopped to B. church. Had a good time. 11:00!

Sat. Feb. 23

Cold. Fair. They went up town a while this p.m. and this evening. We (Ma, Grandma, Mrs. Morse, Mrs. Eelar, and I went up to play “Lamentations in the Court of Fame.” Had a fine time. The real thing was last night but it was repeated to-night. It was fine. Got home at 10:30. Have studied just a bit and now 11:45! Good night.

Sun. Feb. 24

Mr. A. Doloph was down --- us and with his Graphia phone. Cold with some --- --- this evening. I went to church and S.S. this morning. Mrs. Morris and Phoebe G. went on the 3:48 this p.m. and they took ------ up to the depot in time ---- “490” First auto ride I’ve had in ’07!! I wrote a letter to Myrtle Cole this eve. Have not seen her for more than a week. She’s at Kennington. Retired 10:15

Mon. Feb. 25

Cold. Cold. Went to L.H.S. Stayed to Gym and test on Geo. Water froze up and we had one awful time trying to start it back but didn’t succeed. Will have to use Precinct I guess. An awfully cold night. Ma went up to Mrs. E’s and found out about the water when she got back. Bed 12

Tue. Feb. 26

Cold and. Had the precinct water fixed so we can draw some ---- ----. Arrived at school in the morning. (I have not been late to school this year that I know of) and came directly home. Got a brief note from Myrtle. She is not very well she notes. No other news or mail except Ma’s been working on the white dress she has cut. Retired 10:20

Wed. Feb. 27

Cold. Went to H.S. and stayed to Gym as usual. Got my report card. Eng S, Latin V, Geo “S”? Pa came home this noon and he and his men have been thawing the pipes and now we have precinct water fully installed. Seems good to have some kind. Retire 10:00

Thurs. Feb. 28

Cold ----. Went to H.S., stayed to Gym. My gym suit came today. Just what I wanted at last. Grandma and Ma went up town after I came home. Pa has gone up to Pomfret to press now. (Retire 10:30)

Fri. Mar. 1

Somewhat warmer. Wore my gym suit and shoes for the first time in gym. Like them fairly well. Miss Isa Emerson and Emma Emerson came over today to call on Grandma. I did not go to the church this eve. I payed my board bill this noon. [she keeps a tab at the school cafeteria].

Sat. Mar. 2

Sunny but cold with a cold mist in evening. Ma & Grandma went up to Mrs. E and spent the pm and stayed to supper. Pa came home from N. Pomfret about 5. I swept my room and changed the ---- of all the ---- Lilla & Nellie called up on their way back from Jennie down to Nellie’s Mrs. Davis’s. Ret. 10:45

Sun. Mar. 3

Warmer. Snow seems to be most gone. Went to Baptist Church & Meth. S.S. Pa, Harold, Irene up ---- old home to Tatro’s to see some logs which Eastman wants sawed. Pa is thro baling hay and is going at wood. I wrote to Jennie P this evening. Everyone’s asleep but me so good night. 9:30

Mon. Mar. 4

Warm. Some snow fell last night. Papa has been thawing ---- “catch basins” today. Mama & Harold & Mrs. E. went up to her dressmaker’s Mrs. Broo’s. I didn't feel able to attend S. this morning think I ate too much supper for one thing but not this pm. Don’t feel very well yet. Retire 9:30.

Tue. Mar. 5

Warm. Went to S. Came directly home. Grandma spent the pm and stayed to tea at Mrs. Pike’s. Pa has been thawing out catch-basins. His men sawing wood. I feel better tonight. Retire 9:45.

Wed. Mar 6

Rather cold. fair. Stopped to see Myrtle Cole on my way home today. She is OK except for a cold but Mrs. Guy’s baby is quite sick. Mama & Grandma went down to the Greenhouse after I got home and bought some flowers. Ret. 9:45

Thur. Mar. 7

Came directly home today. Ma & Mrs. E & Grandma called up at Mrs. Towle’s this p.m. It was a fine day tho’ some colder. Pa was around home today. The men are sawing wood at the Shakers. Retire 11.

Fri. Mar. 8

Cold & fair. Stopped to Nellie’s and --- --- stopped at Myrtle’s. Nellie went down to her father’s. Have studied some. Played “Donkey” with Flinch cards this evening. The men came home to stay tonight from E. Leb. Pa has them running the timber engine to run Cole’s shop today. 10

Sat. Mar. 9

Cold. pleasant. Myrtle, Nellie, Eva & I went out sliding this evening and had a fine time until Myrtle’s knee cap came off. We drew her down to Dowses on the sled and then N & I came home with M--. Have not done anything today. The electric light fixtures were put in today. They are pretty. Retire 11.

Sun. Mar. 10

Cold, mostly fair. I (& Ma) went to church & S.S. Ma & Pa went to E. Leb. to fix his sawing machine. Had to walk part of the way as there was too much snow for the last two miles for the auto to traverse. Studied Lat. & Geometry this eve. Roy Hazen, wife, 4-year-old boy, 3 wk old baby stopped to get warm on way from --------- to ------- Vt. Retire 10:30.

Mon. Mar. 11

Not very cold. fair weather. Stayed to Gym. No more work there for 3 wks. Pa attended the Republican Caucus & Citizens’ meeting. He also worked half a day thawing out catch-basins. I stopped to see Myrtle tonight. She is well and Mrs. Guy’s baby is almost well. We are now using a new program at school making one recitation course differently. Retire 10:30

Tue. Mar. 12

Town Meeting Day. [list of names of selectmen, etc.] Pa feels rather relieved at not getting the agency. Grandma is about the ------ not feeling very well. Ma called on Mrs. E this eve. My eyes ache. Ret. 10—

Wed. Mar. 13

Stopped at Myrtle’s a few minutes. Went back uptown after I got home. My eyes ache. I tried to study tonight two hours but didn’t get my lessons. Don’t see what ails me lately. Grandma went on the 1 o’clock coach to Caterbury to her sister’s. Ret. 10

Thur. Mar. 14

Warm with rain. Ma had one session today and I came home to dinner. Did some studying and in the evening went to one of the Lecture Courses. “Laurant, the Magician.” Not so fayr not so good as “Mayro” last year. I’m sleepy. 10:45. I fell down in some ice and got soaked.

Fri. Mar. 15

Went to L.H.S. ‘Twas the last day — a vacation now ‘til April 2. There’s a play this evening for the L.H.S. Dart. senior dramatic society “Bachelor’s Hall”. I should like to have gone but it’s too icy and sloppy. Ret 9:30

Sat. Mar. 16

A very pleasant day very much like spring. Pa is sawing wood. Ma went uptown. I worked on a composition --- --- ---- ---- ---- not less than 500 words in it. --- --- not home yet. Myrtle has gone out to Kinnningston. Haven’t seen her since then. 10:35

Sun. Mar. 17

A very warm pleasant day. Ma and I drove up to church and I stayed to S.S. Ma went with Mrs. E. up to Tind’s and stayed to dinner. I finished my composition and when copied it found I had 600 words. Don’t know what I should do. My eyes ache. I wanted to do some letter writing but couldn’t find time. 10:00

Mon. Mar. 18

Warm and pleasant. Worked on Irene‘s dress. Ma went uptown this p.m. I copied my composition and --- --- --- 500 words out of it. Wrote a little post to Myrtle this afternoon. Pa paid ---- ---- --- --- Retire 9:30.

Tue. Mar. 19

Cloudy followed by snow. Cold. Ma & I finished Irene’s dress and got a new red checked one for me nearly done. Went uptown this p.m.

#Mabel Peabody #Mabel #diary #text

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ab3lle · 8 years ago

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2016 update! (part three) (last one)

August, 2016

I got an offer from ums. that time i was checking thru sms.

“Tahniah, anda di tawarkan ke Universiti Malaysia Sabah, kos HC13.”

What the hell is hc13 and i was actually expecting something related w food. (yeap science again just for the sake of ibu) eg: food tech, nutritionist, blabla. but it was actually an e-commerce. and never once in my life i heard about e-commerce. i did a lot of research. i asked everyone what is e-commerce. i checked the job oppurtinity. i was reluctant at first. bcs i told my friend, i mmg want to further at sabah but i wont go if got a nonsense course. i was really clueless that time. but my dad really support me. he asked me that it was ok. just go w the flow. thats it. i finally accept the offer. went for the orientation. and was really close to jiji since then.

September, 2016

I fall in love w the beauty of labuan. people at labuan started to address me as bella/belle instead of nab. so whenever i heard someone call me ‘nab’ at labuan, i feel weird. basically, whenever i am at labuan, its alright to call me bella/belle. anw like ji and tia, they still stick to nab instead bella/belle. i also went hiking too for the very first time in my life. at bukit kubong. 148 above the sea. one of the highest places at labuan. (besides umskal building) i also starts to experience celebrating hari raya aidiladha at labuan. at first in the morning after solat sunat hari raya, we went to one of the lecturer’s house which basically she’s also once a umskal student, to have some celebration at her house. we gather w the seniors from second, third and fourth year w from both faculty, (fki and fkal). i started w taekwondo again but mehhhh. it was only lasts for a day. bcs i stopped for a while and i forgot almost everything. so sad. plus my stamina pun out. so i decided to quit. (does it sounds like i’m giving up?)

October, 2016

Ghost house to gain some money for umskal got talent event. went inside to experience it but i was really scared tho i kenal every one yg jadi hantu. theres one day i went wall climbing and i cant go any higher bcs i am too heavy (gotta admit that) and teman ji and tia played futsal at night. a productive day i can say. its also the month i started to feel like i fall for my crush when i randomly record him make a cendol. (sorry, ex-crush) like, out of nowhere. but think back, i think i fall for him earlier when i first met him at klia. used to like him. used. sewa kereta at friday for 2 hours just for the sake of nasi kerabu at kedai ganu w ji and tia lol. and oh, fki family day. i was reluctant to go at first which i didnt sign up my name at first. ended up, someone said to me, “kau tak pergi fki family day, kau siap belle bila aku jumpa kau” and i terus muncul tetiba at the bus stop, that morning. hehhh. also, umskal got talent was held on october. had some problems when kertas undi tak cukup, so kak tyka and i, run naik atas level 3 to print a new one. i freaking run. i think i lost about 2.1kg that night. that was on semi final. its actually good to have some activity to do at night besides sleep. like i usually do. during the final, which was held 2 weeks after, it was good. had some problems too. tired, but satisfied. it was my first event that i joined, and it was good. i started to drive back since i left it about a year+ not driving. yeah i dont have problem in driving except not being able to drive properly, bad in guessing the distance between the car that i drove and the car behind me, took hours to park the car, and the list goes on. at the end of october, went to kk city during the mid sem break. it was my first time reached there. i went w jiji, and her friend, hamir came all the way from johor bahru. the planning was upside down i can say lol. from the hotel, food, transportation, shopping, all messed up. sokay we learnt from experience hahaha.

November, 2016

Took class photo. yeah class photo. i was lazy at first but just bcs my friend, she put such efforts to coax me and join the class photo, so i came all the way from cafe to menara. had mandarin midterm at menara. i thought i’ve done my best, but the results came out makes me feels like mehhhhh. struggling w e-commerce 3k words assignment, which i thought should be handed on 10th November but end up the lecturer said it supposed to be handed on the 10th weeks of lecture. me being me, me and last minutes works are really like a best friend. best friend for ever till jannah. told myself should change to a better me but meh. lets hope i’ll change one day. bought a new sneakers when i lost one pair of my freaking new shoes. tipulah if i said i didnt sad. but mybe not my rezeki kot. big thing happened on november i think was, tamu gadang event. from protocol to urusetia. tired but i really like the experiences. during the graduate run, i was supposedly get ready by 4am, ended up i woke up late and i was there at 4.30am or is it 5am. i really have problem when it comes to wake up early in the morning. big, problem. and i just realize the pokestop at umskal suddenly went missing. i was really sad that time. no kidding. went to palm beach resort after find some things for sispa booth. main buai while enjoying the scenery there. really makes me fall in love w nature, beach, and labuan.

December, 2016

Karkomkal event. since i joined sispa, i will join karkomkal for 3 semesters. bcs sispa is actually badan beruniform and have to take till my third semester. means what? on the next sem, others are enjoying wake up late, and i’ll be rushing on saturday morning for sispa lecture lol. indian cultural night, we (me, ji, and tia) didnt take part in that event bcs we are lazy already. and accidentally wore red, some color w them. what a coincidence. had titas presentation too on december w the most 1 malaysia group ever. 1 chinese, 1 sarawakian, 2 malays, and 2 indians. its good to get the chance to mix w all the races especially when you are out from yr zone. also, our programming group project. took us about 1 night to do it, and about less than 2 days to find and fix error and we did it. and i really thought that ‘class’ wont be came out during final but then, paapppp! 35marks. trust me i didnt revise about ‘class’. anw, we received a compliment from our tutor! goodjob mates xoxo. tak sia sia i skip ugt family day just bcs i had to stick on the screen to find the error on my group project lol. basically last class for every subject. bcs final is approaching that time. and last but not least, my 2016 ended w sispa final exam.

My 2016 update finally comes to the end. the last 5 months in 2016 basically were my first semester of degree journey. remember when i said i badly want to further in IT related? i really grateful when i didnt give up for matrics, my result was just passed, and i didnt get what my parents wants but god put me nicely in what i deserve. hence, e-commerce. tho at first idk a thing about e-commerce, but day by day, i realize it flows in me since i was small. god plans is always great. i might merungut all the time but i know everything happens for reasons and great thing will finally come. you just have to wait and have faith in allah.

And i am really sorry bcs it took me a month to do this update. but believe me, i was actually very sad, when a friend of mine, suddenly was not my friend anymore, those great time i used to have are now tinggal memories, it saddens me. really. every pictures have its own story. and i realize how people change, day by day, month by month, year by year. even myself. and i am happy for everyone, especially my friends. prayers are all goes to them. take care my lovely friends. still friend or not, still contact or have lost contact, thanks for making my life memorable. thanks bcs you used to be there. i wish you to have a better life. and those who are still w you, or w us, treasure them. bcs we dont know till when they will stick to us. till then. :)

P/s: no pictures on this post update bcs even theres no picture in this, its too long already. no. actually bcs i have problem in transferring pictures from my phone to pc. anyio.

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swirlyrobe · 4 years ago

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Jul 28, 2015

Details:

I got kicked out of middle school for almost throwing a chair at someone because I got jealous when I saw the girl I liked kiss some guy so,

Though they said it was because I got in too many arguments and, smoked too much weed in my dorm...

Then I took drivers ed classes;

(I'm getting botox injections to help my left side straighten and , I'm able to my left leg and arm though, they're really bent and my fingers are too bent for me to move, use,or, hold anything😪

I went from being REAL STRONG to, being weak (though I'm ljfting more with my right arm with a dumbbell then I used to!)

Either way: I'm a survivor!

💪🏽😁👍🏼

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