#her health is just another thing she refuses to take accountability for

[mjrtaurus]

I wonder if Big Mom’s hunger pain thing is because of whatever runaway chemical reaction in her body that caused her to dwarf her parents at five years old is burning through here reserved energy and putting her into an anime-ified hypoglycemic delirium…

[4veslil]

Oneshot | Friends Made In Strange Places | Aegon Targaryen II

A/N: Another Oneshot from my Ao3 and Wattpad accounts, the last three I have posted are my faves and probably the few I have that have been completed or exited the idea stage haha

SUMMARY: (Female) Reader is the maid/nanny for Aegon's children, and while you watch over the princes an unlikely friendship forms.

TW: Minor Character Death, Loss, (Class) Discrimination, Abuse of Power, Depictions of Alcoholism, Mentions of Incest, Mentions of SA (because no, I'm sorry, you can't like a character and just erase all the shitty things they did, it WILL be addressed in this oneshot)

★ MASTER LIST HERE ★

WORD COUNT: 4,999

The Red Keep was still, the night had cast a blanket of its mercy. It hid the guards in shadowed corners and allowed the court to sleep. They were tucked away in their beds, their dreams taking them to a peaceful realm. Only you, a single maid was not allowed such a night, made to watch over Maelor as the Queen slept. He was ceaseless. Nothing seemed to work, not the feeding, the burping, the changing, the small bounces or the soft songs. You feared he had colic. After all, he seemed to cry incessantly for no reason at all.

You continued to bounce the child, lifting him to your shoulder as you looked out over the King's Landing. At least not all were captured in dreams, many were awake but too far to see. You could glimpse at the small lights from houses but not a soul. In the darkness of the chamber, you felt the only being alive, trapped in torment as the baby refused to settle.

You hoped by laying Maelor down and rubbing his tummy that soon he'd find peace, feel the comfort of the cot to finally, sleep. Tears pricked your eyes.

"Please" you murmured, breaking the quiet of the chamber with your silent plea.

No wonder the Queen Mother made you, not Queen Heleana, comfort the child. He was not even yours yet the stress felt no different. He was forever restless, nothing could calm him. You considered feeding him again but that felt no use, he had eaten not long ago. Perhaps, you smirked, he was a true Targaryen, wilful and torturous when he wanted to be. But he was but a baby, it was funny musing to pass the time.

Once again a lullaby left your lips trying to soothe the child. Your mother had sung it to you in the Riverlands. You had not seen her for years, her health becoming poorly and you too busy to visit. Your sister said it was an affliction unlike any she saw.

Your singing grew louder at the memory- a whisper that carried across the chamber, your hand rubbing the child's tummy to the rhythm.

"Why is he not asleep?". You shot up, immediately, turning to the voice. The wails of Maelor did nothing to quench the fear filling your stomach, you hoped he could drown it so it wasn't clear on your face.

"Your Majesty" you bowed, being quick to pick up the child afterwards. It wasn't out of comfort, no, Maelor had now become your own meat shield. You had heard what he'd done to Dyana and that would never become you. Close you held him to your chest and bounced lightly.

"How long has he been crying?" His voice was unusually concerned. You didn't think the King cared much for anything unless it was his cups or whores.

"All night. Nothing seems to settle him, Your Majesty"

He nodded in contemplation and stepped closer. You were rooted to the ground. Soon he reached you in a few quick steps and plucked the child from your arms.

It was like magic, with a few simple bounces, pats on his back and soft soothing escaping his lips, the child's wails began to lessen. It was like the King was a baby whisperer. The child knew when fire and blood were near.

"How... how?" You could only say, your eyes wide with shock and a pained relief.

"He is my child, he knows it is me" he whispered.

"But I tried everything, I have always taken care of him... Your Majesty", you nearly forgot his title.

"Maelor is fussy, spoilt. He will cry until I am here. I was late"

You soon came to the realisation, after sifting through your memories, that this was the first night you were the last to hold Maelor. The King did indeed care for the children, coming every bedtime to settle the child into his cot. All the while, you would clear the room of toys and his old day clothes.

"I never noticed, Your Majesty. I apologise" you bowed.

"Do not worry, even as King many do not pay attention to me"

"I am sure many do, Your Majesty"

The King chuckled, shaking his head with an almost sad smile. Not only did you realise he was rocking the child in his arms, but his feet were pulling on and off the floor. Once again in his cups you assumed.

"You smallfolk, still know nothing of this Keep" he said aloud in the barest whisper. He refused to meet your eyes, they were fixed on the child.

You didn't understand what had caused this bout of honesty. Before you had pictured yourself becoming Dyana, you knew how to escape that. But handling the spoken sorrows of a king, was something you were unprepared for.

"Tis my duty to care for your children. Not think of court matters, that is not my place Your Majesty"

"Of course, all none the wiser while we burn" he smirked sardonically.

"Are we to burn, Your Majesty?", your lip trembled at the words. You were pushing too far, eventually, he would find disobedience among the questions. Perhaps cast you out the Keep for insolence.

The King shrugged, a small shift of his shoulders. Too much like a child. "Perhaps, perhaps not. None of us wants to but maybe it is inevitable"

"Do you fear it, Your Majesty?"

The enquiry hung in the air. This was the moment it would all come crashing down. Your bags would be packed by dawn and onto the streets you would be cast. You walked a path so unpredictable, so treacherous, but you couldn't help yourself. There was a vulnerability in the King that had to be addressed. You doubted with the Queen's sensitive mind and their Mother's lack of emotional comfort that the King had someone to talk to.

The King has no friends, only followers, you once heard. And the phrase couldn't be truer now.

"The stranger comes for us all" he quoted with a mocking tone. The Queen Mother's pious voice was not lost on you.

"Not always, sometimes he's merciful"

"You think death can be a mercy?"

You had to tread carefully, "I have had yet to suffer to truly feel so. But in other's suffering, my family's, the darkest parts of me fear it's the only way"

"Would you willingly go to the stranger, four your family?"

"I love my family, I do. But I hope to be honest with my King. I would never be without a fight. I have too much to live for Your Majesty"

The King nodded, seeming to contemplate the thought, surprisingly considering your words despite your station.

"You are dismissed" he finally spoke amongst the silence.

And you didn't think twice before quickly escaping from the child's chambers. Your heart was thrumming in relief while it momentarily throbbed with regret. Something about the king was almost- no, it was pitiful. You couldn't help but look back and capture those eyes. They spoke of a pain far greater than you had realised.

You hoped soon he would find solace somewhere. Not just in his cups, or in whores, but in genuine company.

-

The next night you had returned to the nursery after tucking Jaehaerys and Jaeheara into bed. They had separated the two from baby Maelor due to his wails, endlessly echoing throughout the keep until the King came.

This time his crying wasn't as loud but he was so restless you couldn't help but swaddle him. You didn't hear of the crown swaddling their children like this, so tightly bound in a scarf their limbs were trapped against their bodies. You only ever saw them in long baby clothes wrapped in delicate fabrics, their arms and legs still free to kick. You hoped it would settle him to sleep, cast the child back to a time it was safe in the Queen's womb.

"He looks like a loaf of bread" The King chuckled, his eyes crinkling and smile wide like a jokester. You had made way to rise but his hand gestured you to stay.

"He is swaddled Your Majesty, hopefully, he will sleep better this way," you remarked, looking back down at the child. His eyes were still teary and his mouth contorted to release a powerful wail that never came, silent amongst the night.

"It seems you have discovered his weakness, why does it work?"

A King who is impulsive, reckless, and sinful, you wondered what turned him to question. He did not seem a man for curiosity if it was not amongst the Street of Silk.

"If you wrap them tightly they feel like they're in their mother again, where they were once safe and sound", the back of your finger ran down the child's cheek. Another cry threatened to blast from his lips as you shushed Maelor. 

"It's a shame we cannot remember it like them" he nodded, and slowly he stepped closer. Almost cautious, making your hair stand on end.

"Is that jealousy I hear Your Majesty?" you quipped, trying to dispel your nerves; forgetting who stood before you despite speaking the title.

"Are you not jealous?" He countered, his brow suddenly stern with venom. You knew to tread carefully, you did not know what he was thinking.

"How can I miss something I've never known, Your Majesty?"

"Many people do. Money, power, women. They'll never have it yet crave it"

"And because of that, you think they're lacking?", your eyebrow quirked.

"Do you not lack in life? A wet nurse with no child, no husband, no power" he smirked, his tone full of mocking.

Your heart stopped, or the pain in your chest felt it did. Your gut had been punched, a wave of anger sifted through you that was uncontrollable, and the only thing stopping you from boiling over was the child in your arms. He was still a King, no matter what you saw the night before, he would always look down on you. No conversation could remould the chain. Change the way of things.

"I have a family that loves me, food in my belly, a roof over my head and work to keep me busy. I am lacking in nothing Your Majesty, I have everything I need"

"Because you do not know more than a small, meagre life. Never getting what you want"

"It is better than watching you drown your sorrows despite everything you have" you suddenly snapped and aback the King was taken. His poison lost on the truth you had spoken.

"You know nothing about me," he growled, stepping closer, his hand on the back of your chair, lowering himself face to face. His stark white hair had cast a curtain around you; there was nowhere to look but him, and you could not tear yourself away.

"Neither do you. I bet this is the longest conversation you have had with a woman without spreading her legs" You stood firm, you wouldn't show him weakness. It could mean your head but a part of you pitied. There was still a boy clawing for power and adoration behind those eyes.

"You think you are funny"

"Oh the funniest Your Majesty"

Your eyes were locked, battling in a silent rage.

"Why do you not fear me?" He uttered from the tense silence, breaking the atmosphere.

The words were lost on you, still lost when he gradually pulled away with the child taken into his arms. While you gnashed your fangs at one another, Maelor had found sleep among the chaos.

"I will take my leave, Your Majesty"

And with that, once again you fled.

-

"You are a strange woman" he sounded from the doorway, leaning against the frame as you looked over Jaehaerys. The boy had come down with a slight fever, nothing the measters couldn't tend to but, they insisted someone sit tight.

"Strange in what way Your Majesty?" you sighed, preparing to tolerate his presence after last week.

You had not spoken since, only coming into his presence so he could settle Maelor into bed. He could not manage a word between you before you ran to your cot.

"You come back" The King shrugged, his arms still knotted at his chest. You felt something brewing.

"Where else could I go Your Majesty?"

"There are many duties you could take up"

"Like your cupbearer?" You bantered with an edge. The King stalked further into the chamber, coming behind your chair. He fixed his hands to the corners of it, leaning close to your back.

"That does not sound too bad my lady"

"I am no lady" you shook your head.

"Then what is your name?" you hesitated for a moment. To disobey would be a great offence and you already offended too much.

You told him in a quiet whisper, hoping it evaded his ears. But the smallfolk achieved little victories in King's Landing. It echoed from between his lips with a slight slur.

"You are drunk Your Majesty" you came to realise.

"Never more than usual" he huffed.

"Still, what if you fell?"

"Is that a threat?" He chuckled lowly, his mouth suddenly at your ear.

You refused to lean away, refused to show weakness, and said that he had a chance of winning.

"It is an educated guess from knowing men too fond of their cups"

"I am not most men"

"No, you are the King. Even more, reason to be wary"

His hand came to curl a lock of your hair around his finger, his pull was so delicate but too close. "You speak so well for a wet nurse"

"My father was an educator, he spoke well and in turn, so do I"

He tugged slightly on the lock, and your head came into contact with his temple. It was too close for comfort but you swallowed the unnerving twang in your stomach. You assumed it to be an element of disgust but were surprised to feel your heart pull. How long had it been since a man played with your hair? Spoke to you so softly? Bantered back and forth with you? How long had it been since you felt wanted?

"Such a strange woman..."

"Should I thank Your Majesty?"

"What for?" You could feel the quirk of his brow against your head.

"For not demanding my attention but earning it?"

You did not hear an answer, did not see his mouth slip open to respond. Only the small, meagre coughs from Jeahaerys called your ears and onto him you focused. Not the King standing perplexed behind you.

Yet still, it was on that night, one so quiet and strange. For the first time in a long while, you admitted in the deepest cracks of your heart, you wanted something.

-

When you opened the door to Maelor's nursery you were surprised to see King Aegon sitting with the child on his chest. For the first time in two weeks, he was settled before you acted.

"You have overtaken my duties Your Majesty" You smiled quietly, it barely ghosted over your expression.

But he remained still, his eyes cast down. Or so it seemed. As you crept further you came to realise the King's state. When asleep like this he simply appeared as Aegon Targaryen. There were no drunken words, unsteady feet, no emotional rampage.

Your feet were delicate across the stone floor until you crouched slightly to gaze at his face closer. His features were still boyish, no longer contorted with stress and sorrow. His hair was strewn across his brow, short threads of silver like cobwebs- soft and delicate.

Without thinking, your hand came forward and brushed them aside, barely skimming across his pale skin. You hoped to stay like this for a little while longer but the contact snapped his eyes open. It was instinct that his hand seemed to trap your wrist in his grasp.

"What are you doing?" He grumbled, his grip becoming tighter. Your expression winced in pain, rippling fear across your body.

"I-I apologise, Your Majesty, forgive me" you stuttered.

"Who gave you the right to touch me?" He grimaced.

"Nobody Your Majesty, there... there was a bug" The lie was terrible, absolutely unbelievable and with the quiet laughter that rang out, you knew he knew it too.

"You think I am stupid", he threw your wrist from his grasp.

"I think you are merciful"

"Another word for weak" he scoffed.

"Mercy is only available to those with power"

He contemplated the words for a moment before standing, in quick succession he placed Maelor down and turned quick on his heels.

"Follow me" Aegon commanded resolutely, your position offered no chance to refuse. You were trapped but a bigger part of you remained curious.

Was this how Dyana fell into his snare? Goading her with comforting words. Did he play with her hair too? You thought.

You traced your steps behind Aegon, small and unsure until you reached his chambers. It was coming, you were sure of it. The guards at his door looked upon you with pitying eyes as you could only cast yours down.

Inside it was just as you heard, barren of the late King's possessions, littered with cups half drunken and yet to be taken away. You could hear him refusing it. Wine stains yet to be scrubbed from the floor littered the stone. The guards pitied you, but your own was reserved for Aegon.

He poured himself another cup, you recognised it as Dornish. The previous Lord you had worked under had a fine taste for it.

"You can call me Aegon in this room" he announced, extending a cup toward you. You took it with trembling fingers and thanked him. Only accepting the drink to hide the shakes that fluttered your limbs.

"I could not Your Majesty" you fretted.

"It is an order, you would not disobey your King, would you?"

"No, your Ma-" you looked up to see his eyes bore into you as the title hung from the tip of your tongue, "No, Aegon" you corrected.

"Marvelous, now! Let's drink"

"Excuse me Your- Aegon, why am I here?", Aegon paused the cup's movement, the rim just licking his lip.

"I am in need of a drinking buddy and honest companion"

"I am sure you have many of those at your disposal"

"None as pretty as you. Now drink, I insist"

Your cheeks blared a deep pink, heating your face to a degree your previous lover couldn't muster.

Unlike in his children's chambers, Aegon appeared more free than ever. Only in the nights did you spy on the King or keep his company, in those moments, there was a sadness riddled within the man too deep to weed out.

Your lips pressed to the rim of the cup before finally taking one gulp. Aegon's eyes of disapproval encouraged another, then a third before finally, he was pleased.

It was strong but unlike anything you had tasted before. It was spiced, not too dry and had a sweetness to it that lightened the mood.

"It is good Aegon" you complimented and for once, a genuine smile stretched upon his face.

"I knew you would enjoy it! Now come, come see" he gestured to the balcony. You felt like you were being dragged around like a child so excited to show you his toys. He was not a child in any way, but the desire for approval was apparent as Aegon pulled back the curtain with a proud, twinkling eye. Over the balcony King's Landing was alive, from here, there was much more to observe than from the nurseries.

"It's-"

"Amazing right? It is the day of rest tomorrow, I used to sneak out on this night" Aegon confessed with a giddy smile.

"I remember celebrating such nights" you shared with a small smile, "my family and I would head to the nearest tavern, unlike most, it was more... family friendly"

"You can guess I never had that. My Mother is too pious, Aemond too serious and then Heleana... well you know Heleana" he chuckled.

"She is a wonderful mother" you complimented.

"If only a better Queen, a better wife, a different woman"

"Do you not love her?" The territory you tread in was dangerous but Aegon relaxed at the question. It was as if he had been waiting for this moment for lifetimes. For someone to ask how he felt.

"Who can love a sister like a wife? It's...", he didn't have to finish.

"How old were you?"

"Fifteen... it is not so bad though, she does not care if I run away to the Street of Silk"

"Would you want someone to care?", you feared there was no coming back from this. You had given the King someone to confide in, would he ever let that go?

"Who knows" he huffed. "What of you? Did he run? Get cold feet before the altar?"

"Something like that, he passed the night before. He had engaged in a scuffle on the road. One punch and his head landed on a rock... he never woke up" Your tone then filled with mourning, despite how you tried to dampen the embers of grief flickering. Every time his face came into your mind you couldn't help it.

"Nothing works out the way we want it to" he huffed, leaning across the balcony. You followed suit, hoping the wind would dry the tears brewing.

"Smallfolk and King's alike" you commented before you clinked your drinks together, never taking your eyes from the kingdom below. "Where would you be now if you could?"

"Essos" he responded in a beat.

"Why Essos?", Aegon didn't even need time to ponder it.

"It is the furthest I could be from this shithole"

You hadn't drunk in a while, the wine had made your lips loose and you couldn't help but giggle at the foul language.

"Why not ride away on your dragon, who could stop you?",

"Have you seen Vhagar? My brother- the cunt that he is- would have me back on that throne before I could step out the Keep"

"Sounds like they need you" I nudged. The contact was sudden and free of thought- impulsive. It was too comfortable but Aegon only shook his bowed head with a smile.

Was this the man who hurt Dyana? Was this lost man truly a King that had caused such suffering? When thinking about it, it was easy to see. So starved of affection, of guidance, master to his whims so easily achieved. None of it was surprising. It was not easily forgotten, not forgiven, but easily understood.

The air changed in moments. Contorted into a silent understanding. You had grasped Aegon's mind in the palm of her hand so easily. He was a man so easily brought to his knees.

"Do you need me?" His tone had shifted so easily, lilting and calm. He sensed the wave that had come upon you.

You shrugged and downed the rest of your wine in two gulps. "I don't need much Aegon"

"Then do you want me?"

You played with the cup in your hand. The dangers of involving yourself like this was insurmountable. Absolutely hysterical. But you allowed yourself to ponder the idea. If you allowed yourself, what would come of it all?

You had not known the touch of a man for years and alone in your cot you slept dreaming of wanting, having the chance to want instead of being chained down by need. And just like you, Aegon stood there needing something to ground him, to offer a chance at respite. He was a broken man and perhaps, you could pay your pain forward.

"As long as you need me, I will stay by your side", the grin that curled at his lips was remarkable, warming your heart too quick to recall how cold it once was.

"Well then!" He clapped as he rose, "You need a refill and cheers to your promotion as my new drinking buddy"

You didn't know what to say, it all happened so fast but the response was spoken before you could catch it, "I would be honoured Aegon"

He raised his cup and handed you another when he returned it to the balcony. No longer were his eyes pitiful but bright and somewhat hopeful. It was a jarring change but one you welcomed nonetheless. At this moment, it felt perhaps something good could come of this. Perhaps, something could be changed.

"To friends found in strange places," he grinned,

"Indeed my King-" you agreed as your cups cheersed, "as long as it is wanted"

Aegon's hand then, once again, found itself in your hair, closer now as his finger twiddled and curled a lock around it. "As long as we want it"

And with that quiet admittance, you raised your eyes to his. Knowing that somehow, two suffering souls had found each other across oceans and chains of being.

[faevi]

COMFORT. // GOJO.

Scenario: Today was a bad day for you. You couldn’t even get out of bed to take care of yourself. You need comfort. Gojo Satoru, your boyfriend, is eager to be that comfort for you.

Word Count: 4,072.

Content / Trigger Warnings: female reader (she/her), implied depression (?), bad mental health basically, not taking care of yourself, gojo basically comforts and takes care of you, lots of crying.

I think that's it! Please (kindly) let me know if I missed something.

Note: No, Coral Island is not out on Switch yet :’ ) I have it on PC and I thought it was on switch but it’s not. Do look out for it, though! Cute comfort farming game. This probably won’t be the last time you’ll see me writing about Gojo comforting, as I like to write things deep from the heart or what I face, y’know? Like I started this when I was having a sad day, so dfjkgdfklg and, I know I’m not the only one. Mental health is important!! Please always take care of yourselves. If thinking about Gojo comforting you helps with easing your mind & heart, then hell yeah.

I know technically this is SFW so minors could read, but my entire account is basically NSFW still and I don’t feel comfy. So….

MINORS AND AGELESS BLOGS, PLEASE DO NOT INTERACT!!!

“Baby?”

There’s a gentle knock on the bedroom door, the deep yet soft voice being muffled by it. You’re currently curled up in the king-size bed, pillows plumped up and eyes glancing from the Nintendo Switch screen to the door. Shame washes over you and you sink further beneath the blankets, voice timid.

“I’m in here.”

Satoru didn’t hear it, but he still pushed it open. He doesn’t want to be apart from you. Not when you’re like this. He could sense something wasn’t right in the morning, but you insisted he went to work and that you would be okay. Low energy, you said. You peek up at him, the hood of his hoodie that you’re wearing pulled right over your head, not wanting him to see your puffy eyes and dried-up tears on your cheeks. You haven’t left the bed unless it was to go to the toilet or get water. Really bad, you know that. You should have at least eaten something. Even if it’s just a banana or a bag of chips.

“Welcome home, ‘toru.” You say, voice a little raspy but still holding that sweetness that’s only reserved for Satoru. You feel too drained to greet him like you wish you could. That’s another sign to the white-haired male that it’s one of the low days. Thankfully, they are rare but, they still prompt him to be wrapped up in his concern. He drops his satchel at the side of the dresser before he walks over to the bed, unbuttoning the first few buttons of his white shirt. “Thank you, princess. I missed you all day.” He expresses, emphasising the ‘all’ in a sing-song voice that coaxes a smile to appear beneath the hoodie. Good. He’s a little relieved to see it.

Satoru settles on the bed beside you, arm wrapping around your body to pull you in close. He’s low enough on the bed to tuck his chin over your shoulder as you twist a little to adjust yourself for the position of the half embrace. His stunning blue eyes focus on the screen as you continue to play the switch, his long fingers mindlessly stroking along your shoulder. Satoru knows you refuse to pull the hoodie off just yet, so he won’t force you to. He knows that you have been crying and is desperate to comfort you but, he’s not about the ‘forceful’ ways like some may think he would be. Baby steps.

“Coral Island?” He asks, pressing a kiss to your shoulder and you hum, thumb on the analog stick moving around. It makes you happy that your boyfriend makes sure to remember the games you like. “You’ve made a lot of progress on your farm, baby. It looks cute.” He praises sweetly, keeping his voice soft so as to not disturb too much. You smile at his words, ignoring the way your hands start to tremble and your eyes sting. What did you do to deserve such an attentive and loving man as your boyfriend?

“Though, I’m still a little grumpy that you want to marry, what’s his face… Wakuu. I think I’m a lot cuter, they should put me in the game.” He whines lightheartedly and you can’t help but laugh. “Baby, I think you’d make the game crash from how desperate people would be to date you. You’re too pretty and you’re all mine.” You huff a little, mind lingering a little on the thought of others wanting Satoru. Why did he choose you? He could have anyone he wants in the world.

“I’d hack the game so I reject other players aside from you.” He insists, noticing the tremble in your voice. He looks down at the top of your head, wishing he could see through and know your thoughts. Well, he can usually guess right, at least. He’s pretty good at reading people. Especially you. Calmly, Satoru takes hold of the console and puts it on pause before setting it on his bedside table. You let him do it. “Th-That would be too much work, s-silly.” You stutter out as tears for what feels like the hundredth time spill down your cheeks.

He hums softly, tugging the hood off of your head slowly, giving you time to stop him. You didn’t. Your shoulders shake and you can barely process anything now as you cry; not even when he moves your body so you’re facing him and between his long legs. He pulls you in close enough so his hand can rest on the back of your head and you sob against his chest, apologies babbling out between the heavy cries and obnoxious sniffling. “Nothing is too much work when it involves you, Y/N. Let it out, hm? No more hiding from me. Just let it all out and let me be here for you.” He whispers, the other hand rubbing soothing circles against your back.

Your legs that were tucked beneath you, slide until you’re laying against him with your legs extending out next to his, face still buried against his toned chest, fingers curling into the shirt that is becoming wet with the continuous stream of your tears. Your chest hurts so much. The tightness lingers, even as you cry your heart out. No wonder it feels impossible to breathe. You swear you could feel each teardrop as it rolls down your cheeks. Gross. It’s so gross. Small hiccups escape as you struggle to breathe properly between your heavy sobs, feeling his hand stroking along your hair as he holds onto you so lovingly. You couldn’t help but feel guilty that he has to comfort you through this. You thought that after hours of festering in your misery, you’d pick yourself back up before he got home.

He shouldn’t have to do this. It’s not the first time that he has had to help you and you just feel so bad about it. Sure, it may not be common. It may not happen all the time. Not happen weekly or even monthly but, it must be so stressful to deal with. Mental health can be so exhausting and every time this creeps up on you; you just wish you were someone who stinks of positivity 24/7. Always smiling. No dull clouds in your life, so no chance to spread it to those you love. Satoru deserves better than you.

Satoru frankly doesn’t give a fuck about your opinion when it comes to that matter. It sounds harsh but, it’s true. In his eyes, you are exactly what he deserves because you are everything that he wants in a partner. He’ll tell you that as many times as you need to hear. It’s not exhausting to him. Not at all. Nothing about you exhausts him. Satoru does feel concern when these particular days blossom but, isn’t that normal? Lovers are meant to be there for one another. Through the good and the bad. No one is perfect and, he knows. He knows that you’ve had partners who would snap with anger the second you showed a glimpse of insecurities or sadness. They would tell you that you’re making them miserable for having a sad day every so often. That it’s all your fault and that you’re exhausting. Even though, truth be told; these days aren’t that often. It’s just being human. Some may experience it more than others but, Satoru doesn’t think it means they should be treated harshly. Maybe with more kindness.

Besides, anger and guilt-tripping always cause more bad days because you learned to try and bury it all. To never let it out. Then it just grows like a nasty virus in your system, slowly bringing you to the point of feeling overwhelmed and unable to contain it. It surprised him that you used to apologise profusely at the beginning of your relationship. You had bad relationships that just added to your insecurities and made you feel like complete shit. All you need is reassurance and comfort. It took some time at first but, Satoru thinks that you’ve ‘improved’ in the sense that you have fewer sad days because of feeling like a terrible partner. You have insecurities like everyone else but, you knew deep down of his love for you and felt reassured by it. Especially since Satoru never expressed anger towards you. Just patience and love. The white-haired male of course wishes that you never felt anything bad. It’s natural for a lover to want that for their other half but, he’s not going to curse those bad days and make you feel worse. Together, you’ll get through it. That’s how he sees it and if it takes time to slowly ease your mind into that direction; Satoru will go that way and hold your hand.

His large hand continues to stroke along your back, resting back against the various pillows and watches quietly as you sob heavily into his chest, heart quietly clenching at the sight. He wishes he could take the pain away completely. You feel as if your lungs now rattle from how hard you cry, tears both spilling down your clammy cheeks and soaking into his white shirt. Your fingers stay curled up in his shirt, face rubbing pitifully against his chest. It feels so warm and strong. One of the infinite reasons as to why you love this white-haired man. His strength never wavers when he embraces you. You always feel safe, even as you cry. Still, guilt naturally lingers for being a burden.

“I-I’m so sorry, Satoru..” You manage to whine out breathlessly, voice becoming high-pitched, tongue unintentionally licking up the salty tears that lingered on your chapped lips. You have been lacking in self-care today. Satoru hums thoughtfully, hand coming up to push the strands of white hair out of his crystal blue eyes. “Don’t apologise, Y/N. You haven’t done anything wrong. You know that these days will never be a burden to me.” He reassures, voice low and calm. It soothes your soul with ease. Sniffling, you decide to sit up between his spread legs, though one hand refusing to let go of his now wet shirt. Your head stays tilted downwards but it doesn’t stop your boyfriend from leaning in to scatter light kisses across your visage, not bothered by the tears. He knows it will prompt a smile to appear and that’s one baby step in the right direction. You do end up smiling very briefly as his soft tiers ghost against your cheeks, mildly amused by the quiet ‘mwahs’ he leaves with each kiss.

It’s funny, really. Before you met Satoru, during knowing Satoru and being his friend, even now as you’re in love with the tall male and dating him; people always painted him as a man who frankly does not fucking care about people or that he’s utterly oblivious. They see when he’s loud and playful. Yes, sometimes a little immature (deliberate) and cocky but; they refuse to see this side of him, even if it’s directly on a silver platter for them to be exposed to it. Though, you selfishly think of how happy you are to be the only one who gets to see the loving and romantic side of Satoru. Satoru cares. He cares so much for the ones around him. He’s subtle in changing his ways for certain people. Whether it’s to let someone else take the last seat or tiny praises laced in between playful advice. He can be serious or calm when the time calls for it.

You hate that people continue to paint him as a selfish man who thrives off of his own cockiness and talents. Satoru, your boyfriend — Is a human being created with all kinds of shades of colours and each colour deserves to be loved. Cherished. His hands caress along your bare thighs, head tilting as he inspects your face, thankful that you’re not trying to hide anymore. Not through a hoodie or burying against his chest. He does think it’s cute when you do that. He can’t deny it. You’re finally managing to calm down, the tears slowly stopping and not trailing down your cheeks any further. Did thinking about Satoru as a person calm you down once more? It’s not the first time. Ha… You really are lucky to have him. You watch as his lips already begin to curl to form a small grin. It’s infectious because you feel the corners of yours twitch and you have to press your lips firmly together to stop it from happening. Maybe it’s a punishment to yourself. You can’t smile completely yet.

“Look at you, my little love.” Satoru says, large hands coming up to tenderly cup your cheeks, thumbs a bit firm when they rub away the tears. “All out of tears now. It’s all thanks to me for being the best boyfriend with a magical touch, hm?” Satoru jokes lightly to coax that soft giggle out of you and his heart eases at the pretty sound. Your heart practically swells at the pet name he calls you. In the early days when Satoru learned that you’re weak when it comes to pet names, he instantly started to use them. It’s like he uses it as a weapon. Only sometimes. Jokingly. All the time it still feels natural and wrapped in love. You didn’t know that he’s discovered that he adores using them when it comes to you. Especially when your eyes light up in his direction.

“You are the best boyfriend..” You manage to say, voice strained from crying so much. Snot threatens to drip out and it must make you look so unattractive. He doesn’t care. You’ll always be pretty in his eyes. Satoru smiles warmly at your words, playfully shaking his head. “Alright, this is about you. So don’t try to put the focus on me and think this can just slip away… Unless you want it to. I won’t force it.” He sighs, plucking a tissue from the box on the bedside table. You can sense it. He might become a bit agitated if you don’t express your thoughts, even if he’ll politely agree to move on and clearly treat you lovingly… You can already understand why he’d be annoyed. Locking it all up isn’t healthy and he’s been encouraging you for so long to be open with him. He’s not like past lovers so don’t treat him as such. It is true. He’s nothing like them. He may not be perfect if he’d secretly become annoyed but, he’s human. Just like you. On trivial matters, he’d usually whine as his form of complaint but, this is no trivial matter. It’s serious to him; your wellbeing.

“I won’t hide anything from you, Satoru.” You promise, nose scrunching up a little as he wipes it before carelessly tossing the tissue towards the small bin. Naturally, it lands in. He’s Gojo Satoru, after all. You shift to sit cross-legged between his open legs, slightly apologetic that he has to spread his long legs so wide. Satoru isn’t bothered by it. You bring a sleeve up to wipe at your eyes, chewing on your bottom lip. How do you even speak? It feels like the words are lodged in your throat. “It’s just a bad mental day. There’s nothing really behind it. One of those days, I’m sorry..” You trail off and you glance up to see him looking intently at you, arms comfortably crossed against his chest. Satoru isn’t blocking you out and you know that. He tends to position himself like this when he’s listening.

Still, he’s waiting for that one thing. Even with his eyes clouded with warmth for you, you know what he wants to hear. The tiny bit of truth. “Bad mental day, but… I feel guilty. I wanted to hide this from you so I— So I wouldn’t be a burden. Wouldn’t make you tired of me and I’m scared! I’m scared that if... if the bad days happen more, you’ll..” You don’t want to say it out loud. It feels like a knife is lodged in your throat. It might come true.

“Leave you?” Satoru finishes your sentence of worry. Hearing it out loud brings on a wave of nausea and your head falls down, fingers gripping the sheets. The white-haired male’s heart aches to see you so sad and vulnerable. Terrified. Maybe a normal person would feel hurt and offended by their lover having such fears. Complain about their lover having no trust in them. Satoru knows to not see it like that after dating you for a long time. People have thoughts that they can’t control. They’re like intrusive little gremlins ready to happily feast on the brain. Again, what heals is comfort and giving that reassurance. He repeats that to himself as a reminder. To never doubt. Not that he ever would but, it’s better to be safe. Tears threaten to spill again as the guilt bubbles up inside of you for admitting the scary thought. You don’t want to lose Satoru. Not ever.

Satoru sighs softly. You sense it’s not an annoyed sigh. You're sure if you ask, your boyfriend would jokingly say he’s just exhaling air. “Why do you have to sit cross-legged? It makes it hard for me to cling!” Satoru whines, large hands reaching forward to encourage your legs to uncross before he tugs you forward, strong arms wrapping around you once more, gripping firmly as if to show he’s not leaving. You gently nuzzle his shoulder as he presses a kiss to the top of your head. “I’m never leaving you. You’re stuck with me for life. Y/N, it’s okay to have bad days. Whether multiple in a row or sporadically. I don’t care about— Well, I mean. I do care. I’ll always care. I just want you to try to remember that you’ll never be a burden. This is never a burden.” Satoru says, keeping his voice soft against your ear.

You pull back a little to look up at him and his hand comes up to cup your cheek, shifting his hand to smooth his fingers across your hair, keeping you in place. “I want to be here with you on your darkest days and so you’ll never be left alone there. As cheesy as it sounds, I’ll be that glimmer of light for you. Just like you are for me. You have no reason to ever feel guilty about moments like these.” He finishes with his arms draped around your figure. A small smile manages to appear, cheek squishing against his shoulder. It doesn’t take much talking from Satoru to bring you comfort. He always knows what to say.

You’re just glad he’s finally home from work. You’ve been feeling so lonely without him. Carefully, you nuzzle against his shoulder before pulling away to look up at him, meeting his crystal blue eyes. It’s then that you notice he still has his sunglasses on, pushed back against his fluffy white hair. You pinch the bridge of the glasses and slide them off to set aside on the bedside table, not wanting to ever block the pair of gorgeous eyes you get lost in daily. “I love you.” You say softly, tilting your head to press a kiss against his wrist as his large hand pauses against your hair.

You watch him slowly form a grin at hearing the words, hand coming down to gently cup your chin. Satoru admires you in silence for a while. Even with a puffy face from crying and lack of sleep, you’ll always look beautiful to him. All his, too. No one else can have you. “I love you, too.” He says, voice filled with loving warmth before he leans down to press a kiss to your lips, not bothered by how chapped they feel. He’ll never pass on the opportunity of kissing you. You both pull away from each other and you can’t help but slump against him, feeling exhausted. It’s funny how you slept through the day between crying sessions and you’re still so tired.

The sight practically kicks a certain side in Satoru to wake up and so he sits up, arms caging you in as he looks down at you between his legs. “Alright, princess. I know you haven’t eaten. How about we order in? Whatever you like. I don’t want to force anything on you but you have to eat, at least.” He says, hand reaching for his phone that’s tucked in his pocket. You puff your cheeks out and look at him. His eyebrows are furrowing out of concern and his lips pouting. It’s hard to say no to him and, well, he is right. Again. “Okay, ramen.” You say, planting a kiss on his cheek. Relief washes over the tall white-haired male, thumb rapid against the screen as he orders your preferred ramen, along with his and a few entrees before he places it down.

“Do you have some energy to shower?” He asks, pausing for a moment before his hands come up in defence, eyes comically wide. “Swear you don’t stink, princess. I just want to take care of you and usually showers make you feel better. If you’re too tired, you can share a shower with me?” He offers with a hopeful glint in his eye. Satoru knows he’s being a little selfish because he enjoys showers with you. You roll your eyes at your boyfriend quickly getting all defensive, somewhat endeared by the fact that he emphasises that you don’t stink. Only Satoru would do that. You really do love him. Every single fibre of his being. His entire existence.

With your heart swelled up with love, you dramatically throw your arms over his shoulder before wrapping them around his neck, smiling. “Only if you carry me. I’m a princess, right?” You giggle softly and instantly, Satoru plants a kiss on your lips. He really can’t resist you. “Typical princess behaviour. You’re lucky I’m such a simp.” He grunts out as he lifts you in his arms with ease, large hands cupping your ass cheeks to hold you up as you wrap your legs around him. You raise an eyebrow at hearing his words, amused to hear the older male use fangirl terms.

It’s the exact thought that prompts your realisation. You don’t feel sad anymore. Not currently, anyway. You look at his gorgeous visage as he carries you to the bathroom, not a single thought of worry about dropping you. Satoru is too strong to do that. You bite back a smile and cling tightly onto your boyfriend as you think to yourself that being around him is healing and good for your heart. You’re determined to do the same for him whenever he feels any sort of negative emotion. No matter what, you’ll love him hard and take care of him like he does for you.

“You’re choking me—“ He rasps out, face scrunching up dramatically before you loosen your arms and smile sheepishly. “Sorry.” You say with a quick peck to his lips. He happily accepts it. Satoru sets you down on the bathroom counter, one hand already unbuttoning his dress shirt to reveal his beautifully toned body. You watch as he adjusts the taps for the shower, seeking the level of warmth that you like and notices you watching him with a dreamy look and smirks in your direction. “What are you thinking, baby?” He asks, cocking his head to the side. You shrug innocently.

“Just that I love you and would do anything for you. Want to always take care of you and make you happy.” You find yourself blabbering out and eyes locking with his. His smirk fades into a smile, endeared by your words. It’s rather comforting to hear. To know that you are here for him just as he is here for you. Satoru extends his hand out for you to take. “You already do that and more. I love you, too. Come on, let’s undress and shower before our comfort food arrives.” He says, wiggling his long fingers to entice you to take hold. You simply smile before taking hold of his hand to pull yourself off of the counter.

Right. It is time to shower with the love of your life.

Life is really good when you have Gojo Satoru as your lover.

[redux-iterum]

So I’m curious about Goldenflower’s reaction! We’ve seen how aggressively she reacts when kits or young cats are put in danger (ie. Fireheart being left out alone). So I was surprised she allowed the ceremony to proceed. Is Bluestar’s failing mental health the reason why she didn’t react more strongly and shut that shit with Aspen/Ash/Cloud down? Also where do the clans draw the line in regards to someone like Bluestar when they’re not stable enough to really be held accountable, but they are putting other clanmates in danger through their actions?

There's a couple things going into this, so bear with me.

This whole situation is extremely difficult for everyone in a position of power, let alone the average warrior. Ideally - that is, how the Clans imagine stuff like this to go in stories - the leader can be disobeyed and disregarded by their followers, no questions asked, the instant they fuck up or do something dangerous. The matriarch has all the power over kits, the deputy can step in as the proper head of the Clan, the elders will be looked to and the seers have all of StarClan to give out judgements and commands. This is a sort of checks-and-balances type of society! It's going to be so easy to handle if it ever does happen!

Realistically, though, Clans are hardwired to obey their leaders above everyone else. It's why Brokenstar got away with everything for so long, it's why Tigerclaw would have been so much more dangerous if he'd gotten there, and it's what's allowing Bluestar to keep her position even though her mind is visibly failing. Leaders aren't untouchable, theoretically, but it is so very hard for a Clan to look at the cat who's so important to their society that they have an entirely unique suffix just to denote their rank and tell themselves "I refuse to honor them and do as they say", even if they have a good reason, or several. Even at this point, ThunderClan will obey their leader over their matriarch, and the matriarch will be forced to go along with this, not knowing what else can be legally done.

To disobey says so much about the warrior and the Clan as a whole: they made a mistake placing such massive responsibilities on this cat's shoulders, they have nowhere to put the demoted cat that will go smoothly, they're threatening the unity and structure of the Clan by shaking the very foundation of what they've grown up and lived with. It's so hard for a cat, let alone a warrior, to adjust to severe changes like that, especially ones that imply something at fault within themselves - which, inherently, following a bad leader for any length of time will shine a light on. Sometimes it's easier to keep silent - or, at the most, mutter complaints to your friend while doing nothing.

There's another aspect of this botched apprentice ceremony: the apprentices themselves. Changing from a kit to an apprentice is such an important, valuable, special thing for everyone; it's the biggest change in your life so far and it marks you as ready to serve your Clan and grow up to be someone great. To go through with the ceremony and then rip away that gift from cats so young and new to the world is a particularly cruel sort of disappointment, bordering on punishment in the eyes of that kit. Can you imagine being a grade schooler, about to enter middle school, and then being told you have to go back to kindergarten because someone else fucked up your paperwork? How awful would that be?

Speckletail made about as good of a call as she could in that moment, taking the apprentices' ages, their mentors and the Clans' culture into account. Let them be apprentices until they prove they're not ready, and if they aren't, they can go back to being a kit. This sort of solves the problem in a way - the apprentices will be eager to prove they can keep their -paw's and will work hard to do so, and if they fall behind...well, maybe they can just stay in camp for another month and then come right back to training with some experience already! It's not ideal, but it's the best Speckletail could do.

As for the final question... did you know that it was believed that planting an elder tree by your door would keep the devil away?

[broadwaycutie16]

Hey, I hope you don't mind me asking, but what is this whole Karma of Lies thing about? I often have some of your posts showing up on my dashboard about how people are not listening to you clarifying things about your story, but I avoided looking into the whole situation myself because I don't want to expose myself to so much (Adrien) salt which I know is at the initial root of all this (or at least, thats how it came across to me)

Would you explain for me what this situation is about? I'm always intrigued by this whole thing whenever I see another post from you, because of how wild reading about it all out for context is, but now curiosity finally got the best of me x3

So basically, KoL starts as your basic salt plot. Marinette’s being bullied by Lila, her friends are extorting her and accusing her of being unfair to Lila, Adrien’s just like “everything’s fine, Marinette” and telling her to just take all the crap from everyone.

Then Hawkmoth’s identity gets out, and Lila decides to cut her losses and get the hell out of there, but not without getting something out of the deal. She gets Adrien to send her money to her, and because Adrien is so trusting, he puts in the info for his family’s emergency bank account right where she can see it, not even thinking that Lila would try to screw him over. Spoiler alert: She does. She drains Adrien’s whole account of fifty million, leaving him without a cent in this catastrophic time in his life, and skips town by telling her mom a sob story. She also tricks the class into giving up their most expensive possessions, and then sells them to other people after she leaves.

So now Lila’s committed a grand felony, and she’s clear to continue her reign of terror anywhere she wants, with her newfound wealth goving her limitless potential on destroying lives. And you know what Marinette does to stop her?

NOTHING.

Marinette refuses to lift a finger to get Lila arrested. The narrative would have you believe that it’s because she’s setting boundaries and taking care of her mental health for a change, but it’s easy to figure out the REAL reason. She gives all these excuses over why she’s unable to do anything about it, using lots of loopholes, completely ignoring the fact that she’s supposed to be a superhero and thus has a moral obligation to stop Lila, if nothing else just to save all the innocent people she’ll destroy in the future.

Meanwhile, Adrien becomes penniless, his father goes on the run, and his aunt refuses to personally take him in because she’s more concerned about the scandal than about her orphaned nephew, basically resigning him to live in Marinette’s old apartment with hardly anything to call his own while Marinette moves into his old room at the mansion after getting a job with Audrey Bourgeois, who has now taken control of Gabriel’s company. And all through this, Marinette and the narrative are basically saying, “you didn’t help me when I needed you to stick for me, so now I’m not gonna help you when you need it”, basically ignoring the fact that what’s happening to Adrien is a hundred times worse than what happened to her.

Even worse, Marinette trashes all her friends’ reputations on live TV, calling them out for mistreating her without stating the reason why they mistreated her, so the public doesn’t know the full story. And Adrien, desperate to get his life back, makes a stupid and arrogant mistake and tries to take down Mayura by himself, but is easily fooled by her to give her opportunity to steak his ring. The villains are defeated, but now everyone in Paris thinks Adrien gave Nathalie the ring on purpose, and accuse him of being a willing accomplice to his father, effectively crushing any little particles of hope he had left for his future.

But what truly makes this fic a dumpster fire of a story, is how the author directs the whole narrative to try and make you believe that everything that happened to Adrien was 100% justfied, that not supporting Marinette and letting some girl bully her and turn her friends against her, a problem that was temporary at worst and that basically was nothing more than some schoolgirl drama, means that he, a fourteen year old boy from an abusive household, deserves to be virtually homeless, bankrupt, disowned by his entire family, and falsely accused if terrorism, and doomed to living the rest of his life out on the streets, without even the slightest conception that maybe it was a little too much.

Oh, and the only punishment Lila gets is some vague warning from Marinette about her future, and apparently, that’s supposed to be enough to stop the girl who knowingly teamed up with a terrorist and was willing to doom the city just to get back at one person for one embarrassing incident in front of one person.

Basically, The Karma of Lies is the worst salt fic of all the salt fics, punishing Adrien for childish stupidity with permanent life damage beyond anything written in salts before, and trying to send the message that it’s okay for Marinette to let it all happen just to get back at him for not being a better friend.

Trust me, do not read it. It is a garbage fire. I regret reading it every day. It’s really messed with my head. Even now, I’d wholly welcome an infinite number of sequel fics punishing Marinette and her “friends” (read: evil minions) for what they did, because if the story says that Adrien deserves his fate for doing nothing, they deserve even worse. This fic is the epitome of everything wrong with the Miraculous Ladybug fandom.

[kopfkino-o]

okay modern acotar au but the setting is a shitty local bar and I might or might not have been tipsy when I wrote this.

Rhys inherited this crusty bar from his business tycoon father and, despite being utterly incapable of maintaining a well respectable establishment, he lowkey loves being able to boss the staff around and enjoys the all the “free” booze whenever he wants. No he does not file taxes. But he has given his wife, Feyre, creative reign over the place and she painted the walls herself, which was definitely a choice, but the patrons don’t really seem to mind the various eyeballs staring down at them so it sort of works for the place.

Cassian works security with Jurian but most nights he is the one who ends up starting something and it lowkey causes a lot of insurance liabilities but Rhys isn't really worried about all that. Cas also can’t stop sniffing after veteran bartender, Nesta, who will definitely throw your ass out if you so much as look at her wrong. The tension between them is causing a lot of “bad vibes” for the bar’s regulars, Lucien and Eris, who only come to this shithole establishment to get away from their dad (he’s sleeping on their couch because their mom left him for another man). Tamlin always wants to hangout, especially on open mic nights, but he doesn’t have a car and Eris refuses to drive a few extra minutes to pick him up because he doesn't want "unnecessary mileage" on his 2008 beat to shit BWM.

Elain works the front well because she’s the only one who can use the bar's new POS system and Mor waits tables because she’s a customer favorite (she's comps drinks for literally everyone). But there’s really no need for three bartenders on every shift (the bar gets like five customers, max) and Nesta definitely has that shit handled, so most nights Mor and Elain just sit out back near the dumpsters drinking wine coolers and gossiping. They occasionally upload TikTok videos with Gwyn and Emerie, two waitresses who work at the restaurant next door, but Rhys and Feyre let it slide because it’s good publicity.

Vassa, Tarquin, and Helion occasionally meet up at the bar after work (they work at the pr firm across the street) but only because the drinks are cheap and their asshole boss, Amarantha, thinks the establishment is "below her", so they don't feel obligated to invite her along. Helion has slept with like half the staff, and has some weird thing going on with one of the regular's mom, but he always tips well and at least he's consistent. Once, Tarquin let Cassian borrow his boat so he could take Nesta on a date, but he crashed it into a dock when he was trying to park and it ended up being this whole thing. Amren, the lawyer Feyre hired, has sorta advised the staff to refrain from talking about all that though.

Azriel, the bar manager, smokes cigarettes in the old walk-in cooler (Feyre painted it one night during a staff party) between shifts and wonders how the fuck he ended up being in charge of keeping this trainwreck running. He would have quit the job five years ago but he needs the money and Rhys at least offers half decent health insurance. The bar occasionally gets letters from Beron, the local health inspector who is totally on Rhysand’s case, but Az just throws them away in the raccoon infested dumpster outback (the girls swear they haven’t been feeding them) and yearns for the day this whole shitshow finally gets shut down.

Oh, the baby? Yeah he handles accounting and the shadow monster in the basement is in charge of the social media. don't ask.

[gatheredfates]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers (ू•‧̫•ू⑅)♡

Aww, I love positivity asks! I can't say mine are in any way profound, but:

My loved ones. Cheesy, I know. Shout-out to my partner who does have a Tumblr account but refuses to be perceived because I know he'll read this and appreciate the fact I didn't tag him. I've been asked before how on earth I've been in a relationship with one person for over half my life and that's simple: I fell in love with my best friend. 💖 Also huge shoutout to @riftdancing who will be perceived because she's the platonic love of my life and, without her, I would not be who I am today. These two have seen me at my literal worst and stuck by me — I love them to bits! There's also my FC members/close friends @lightwrought / @gaygentofchaos / @whirlwyrm / @snakemoltsiren / @swingbeard / @dragons-ire / other people I have missed and/or wouldn't like to be tagged but know you are included because I love you. IF YOU KNOW YOU KNOW. Also everyone in Seafloor!

Music. I've always loved music, but I really only got into music and listening to different things later in life! Sleep Token fundamentally altered my brain chemistry and I will thrust them on anyone who will listen (start with Sundowning through to Take Me Back to Eden if you want the whole ~experience~ but Jaws is also a good separate introduction). I've also come to love Crywolf, Ashnikko, Bad Omens, as well as old faithfuls like Red, Evanescence, Halsey, etc.

My cat. She's not really my cat, but she adopted me. Ratticus le Catticuses the third of her name; brat cat, rat cat; little goblin; my little baby girl, love of my life. (Her name is Lucy).

Graphics design/creativity. I make it no secret my favourite part of my irl work is when I can make a brochure/pamphlet/poster. I don't profess to be an absolute master in it, and I'm entirely self-taught, but there is something about making something better. It's the same with GPOSING and the like. I don't do it often, but my edits are there. There are people in the community that use the little dividers I put together in Canva. It makes me happy!

My current mental health/personal journey. I'm in a really good spot mentally. My diagnosis has changed my life, and I was already on a good trajectory with my personal mantra/outlook on life prior to it. A few years go I was extremely depressed/anxious, I had a lot of trauma/paranoia around my spaces, and acted in ways I'm not proud of. I've reached out and reconciled a lot of it, and it's allowed me to engage with this community and my personal projects in a manner that's healthy and engaging for me. I was in a spot of ~drama~ recently (which I won't get into — that's another personal choice I made to keep things between relevant parties) and, rather than freaking out and thinking everyone hated me... I just dealt with it. I took all sides, formulated my opinions and blocked the people I didn't want to deal with. I was SO proud/happy with myself — I still am! It's not world-ending like it used to feel and that's so freeing for me as someone who used to be a chronic people-pleaser/conflict averse. I still want to try to be the latter, but I really believe the manta of 'be kind, take no shit'. It's done wonders for my happiness.

This got really long, I appreciate anyone who got to the bottom! I'll send these out to ten people from my permanent interaction call because I think that's nice. Thank you @disciple-of-frost for sending this in!! ✨

[minastras]

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04 i'll make them pay

words: 0.7k

Jay figured it was fair enough punishment for destroying your car to have to see you on the train almost every day from then on.

It’d been a full week and he still hadn’t talked to you. You’d long given up on trying to say hello to him — because, as Jake and Yunjin very sagely pointed out, Jay was acting like a dick — but you two always ended up sitting in the same carriage. He should’ve just been normal that first day.

You were a very distracting individual, too attractive to look at and too attractive to not look at. Jay’s mind was filled with you, so when you dropped your phone he picked it up without hesitation. He winced and tried to plaster on a friendly smile as he handed it back to you, but it probably came off more like a grimace than anything else.

“Thanks,” you said warily, taking your phone back. “We’re neighbours, right? I’m Y/N.”

“Uh- yeah, hi! Hello,” he laughed, even though you hadn’t said anything funny. His hand came up in a wave, the movement jerky and uncoordinated. “I’m- I’m Jay.”

“I didn’t know you were a UDec student,” you said. Your gaze was still sceptical, wondering why this man who’d been aggressively refusing to acknowledge your existence was now willing to talk to you.

“Me neither! I mean- I didn’t know you were a UDec student, not I didn’t know I was a UDec student-” What was wrong with him? He cleared his throat and tried again, slower this time. “Yeah, I’m doing a PhD in global health.”

At that, your face lit up, the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. “I’m a PhD candidate too! I’m doing international law,” you replied excitedly.

Jay once read somewhere that all mammals on average had around a billion heartbeats in a lifetime, and he was convinced this conversation alone had used up half of his allotment. It got even worse when you stood up and crossed the carriage to take the empty seat next to him.

“It’s so nice to meet another PhD student,” you mused, unbothered and somehow unaware of the fact that he was losing his mind.

“Yeah, it can be so isolating sometimes,” he agreed, nodding along. He’d agree with anything you said. “My roommates don’t really get it.”

“What do your roommates do?” you asked.

“Jake’s a data analyst, and Yunjin’s a model. She does music on YouTube too,” he replied. Why was he telling you their names?

“Oh, she’s a model! That makes so much sense. She’s so pretty,” you exclaimed. “My roommates and I all agreed that she’s the prettiest girl we’ve ever seen.”

Great. He’d finally gotten to talk to you, and all you wanted to do was fawn over his roommate.

“Hey- um- speaking of that, is there anyone in the picture for you at the moment?” Jay blurted out all in one breath. Curse him and his nervous talker tendencies. Although you seemed not to notice his bumbling attempt at flirting.

“Me? No, I’m done with dating. I don’t think I can take another first date,” you answered. “My friend tried to set me up with her colleague last week and I’m still dealing with the fallout of that mess.”

You also seemed not to notice Jay deflate with each new word that came out of your mouth, changing the subject with a controlled ease that gave him very little time to react.

“What’s your Twitter handle? I’ll give you a follow! And if you want we can exchange numbers, since I’ll be taking the train to campus from now on,” you offered, handing him your phone.

He clumsily searched for his Twitter profile on your account and clicked the ‘Follow’ button, only then realising how sweaty his palms were. His number. You wanted his number.

“How come I’ve never seen you on the train?” he asked, scrambling to continue the conversation before immediately regretting his words.

“Oh, some absolute dickhead wrecked my car last week,” you said with a sigh, taking your phone back from his outstretched hand. “It’s alright, though. I’m hunting the bastard down and I’ll make them pay.”

[fnafcatfanatic]

Last letter before a star burned

The first and only thing that needs to be said is that I absolutely despise William Afton. I just wish he never appeared in my life, because the things he did were and still are terrible. It serves him right to burn in the deepest pit of hell.

If somebody had told me what he did back then, I wouldn’t believe them and argue that he’s the kindest person I knew. He helped me with whatever imperfections and „problems“ I had. But now I finally see that his „help“ had been nothing more than a pack of lies, a means to manipulate, and whatever he claimed was wrong with me was completely normal. “The past is in the past and you realised your mistakes” they say, but nobody talks about the impact it could have on your mental health and personality as a whole when they’ve been doing it for as long as he did.

Call me spiteful or stubborn, but I will forever hold him accountable for not only what he did to those poor souls that will forever miss their families, but also to his friends, and me. Without him, I wouldn’t be afraid to get close to people, scared that when people find out my true personality, they’ll leave or worse, make fun of me behind my back, or only plot how to hurt me even more to the point of breaking me. Afterall, William played his role of a supportive friend and confidant very well.

…Or maybe I was just blind to it, foolishly following his direction and blindly trusting him with what I held dear. And would you look at that…innocent people paid with their lives thanks to my denial of the truth. And then what did I do when I saw him in that backroom, looking back at me while he was slumped over somebody’s dead body?

I turned around and ran…like a fucking coward and I didn’t look back. I took some of my necessary belongings, packed them into the biggest bag I could find in my house, put it in my car and hurriedly drove away. I was driving for hours, unsure whether he saw me leave and followed, so I just drove until my gas didn’t run out. I tried not to cry so that I wouldn’t crash – though I wished it would happen - as realisation finally hit me. He did it. He killed my daughter and all the other missing kids.

Eventually, I got tired and parked in some parking lot in Arizona and spent the night there.

When morning came, I wished it was a nightmare and the only person, who seemed to genuinely understand what I have been going through, wasn’t the one who had destroyed my life. …Or maybe I had done it myself after Charlotte disappeared.  I sat there, not moving for a long time while I thought about if I should just start popping antidepressants like tic-tacs. I took the bottle in my hands, put one in my mouth and swallowed it using water. The taste was bitter, but the feeling it gave afterwards was great. It wasn’t perfect, because I was feeling even worse once the effect faded, but that was to be expected.

I waited for a while, hoping it would start working soon, but it didn’t, so I popped another one…then one more and after that…

…I woke up in a hospital with Jen crying her eyes out, saying I was stupid for trying to take my life. I had to promise her to not do it again. …She thought that I was a coward for doing it…that hurt. She was my sibling; couldn't she have been more supportive?

After that whole ordeal, she drove me to her house as per instructions from the psychiatrist - who questioned me back at the hospital – hid all sharp or potentially dangerous things and told me that I need to go to therapy every week. I refused, saying that it’s expensive and I would rather be dead than tell anybody about my problems and be told the same thing Will always said, *”I understand that you must be hurting.”*

It was like a trigger for me, and I would most probably storm out in panic, but Jen kept insisting, so I did. And just as I predicted, it happened, I broke down, yelled at the poor woman, and then ran away to find the nearest bridge to jump off of. Unfortunately, Jen, who had been waiting in front of the house, stopped me and gave me a long scolding about being a responsible adult. But it wasn’t like she knew how it felt to have your child taken away by somebody she should’ve been able to trust.

I go angry and stormed away, repeated once again my whole escapade from three days ago and this time I didn’t look back.

FNAF 6 (2024)

Today is the day I finally end all of this. Oh, how long have I waited and how much willpower it took not to end my life throughout all these years, but it has been worth it. Some poor soul took the job as intended and brought all of them inside. I don’t know why he did it, though. Maybe he just wanted parts to save money, which was the most probable explanation.

When the final day had come, I went inside the secret office I had built and waited until they were all as near as possible to the security office. Even Molten, who, somehow, managed to slip by the franchisee during the maintenance check, came inside the vents. Once that happened, I sealed all exits including my own and turned my microphone on.

During the whole speech, that I gave, I was reminiscing about all the things that happened, all the locations I opened, then closed, everything the new management had done to cover up the past, and most importantly, my daughter again. My voice was carefully even and emotionless and then I finally did it…I set the whole thing on fire.

When my mind shut itself down to avoid all the pain, I finally felt relaxed and free, just like all the other souls who rose from the ashes, heading for heaven. As I watched four particular ones come together and embrace one another, I thought that death has never seemed so pleasant.

“Daddy…?” I heard from behind me. I turned around with tears in my eyes and my sight landed on befuddled Charlie. “Charlotte!” I yelled as I flew to her. “Daddy!” She screamed in response and met me halfway. We hugged and wept for all those years of being separated.

I didn’t notice it, but one of the souls tried rising up, then got pulled abruptly down by some golden strings, not to be seen again.

[hawksights]

Riza does not view her body in a positive light. It’s hard to say if she ever did.

To start with, Riza’s almost always had an athletic build. She was an active child who enjoyed being outdoors whenever she could. Climbing trees, hiking, hunting, gardening, and fishing were just a few things she liked doing, and none of those account for all of the chores she did around the house. After her mother passed, taking care of the house and her father fell on Riza’s shoulders. That meant a lot of moving around, cleaning, and finding ways to keep the lights on and their cupboard stocked.

It was not an easy childhood, but she survived. To her, not much else matters.

After joining the military, she continued to stay in shape. Sniper gear isn’t light, and she put in the effort to make sure she could carry it. Her diet became more balanced and regular with the routine being in the military provided. She does take her health seriously, and she does everything possible to stay at the top of her game not just for her sake, but for Mustang’s. If she’s not at her best, then it reflects on how well she protects him.

All in all, one might think that, with her appearance and physique, she views herself in at least a slightly positive light. She doesn’t. Her body still barely feels like it belongs to her. It will always have her father’s legacy, the secrets of flame alchemy, whether she likes it or not. The burns erasing part of the tattoo doesn’t make it much better. They’ll be with her for the rest of her life as well, and they’re hard to look at. They don’t feel particularly nice either.

But, the burn scars are better than having the entire tattoo intact. The average alchemist wouldn’t be able to decipher it, but she still refuses to take the chance. There can’t ever be another flame alchemist.

Her decision to have Mustang burn at least part of her back was the first decision she ever made for herself about her body. To her father, she was nothing more than a canvas for his alchemy, not a human being. The second choice she ever made in regards to her body is about her hair. She had to keep her hair short for years so her father could tattoo her back—because he had to do it in parts, her healing process took a long time. Seeing Winry in Resembool was the first time she thought to grow her hair out for herself. She got to make a choice about her own body instead of someone else. Since it doesn’t interfere with her work, and her burn scars don’t bother her as much anymore, she keeps it long for now.

Calling her beautiful gets mixed results. She’ll be hesitant to reply positively to compliments about her physical appearance with anything outside of a short “thank you.” The people complimenting her can’t see the scars or the tattoo—they’d change their tune if they could. Riza compares herself to other women regularly when it comes to beauty too, but she won’t voice it. Being vulnerable around others isn’t allowed. That emotional scar will hasn’t healed, and she’s not sure it ever will.

[mikelogan]

apologies in advance for the following rant that you really don't have to read if you don't want to.

my parents have been raising my nephew since he was just over a year old and he'll be 7 in march. i had to move back in with them in early 2023 bc of my medical and financial issues. as he gets older, the more violent, disobedient, mean he gets, and his outbursts and tantrums are nightmarish at home and at school.

a couple weeks ago, they were finally able to meet with a doctor (he already has a good pcp and has recently established with a psychiatrist) and he had a full day of testing. he's already been diagnosed with ADHD. they got the results today, which confirmed that. in addition, he's also on the autism spectrum, though i don't really know to what degree yet. but he also has dmdd and after checking it out on nimh, it fits him to a t. but jesus christ, don't read the treatment section unless you want to feel hopeless.

it's a newer disorder, first in the dsm in 2013, and listed is cbt or medications, none of which are specifically for dmdd. i looked at a few reddit posts from parents of children with the disorder and it's exactly what we're dealing with and the outlook feels so bleak. his frontal lobe is underdeveloped, so he's unable to regulate emotions the same way other kids of his age are.

and the real kicker? my sister tricked her boyfriend of 3 months at the time into getting her pregnant, telling him she was taking her birth control when she wasn't. she has borderline personality disorder but won't seek treatment for it and every direct result of her actions is always someone else's fault in her eyes, so she refuses to take accountability for anything. and she smoked pot for the entire duration of her pregnancy, claiming that it HELPS brain development 🙃

in summary, if i 1) wasn't dealing with multiple chronic illnesses, 2) wasn't so close with my parents and grandparents, and 3) didn't have severe anxiety, i would pick up and move so far away from all of this. i'm sure a lot of this sounds insensitive from the outside, but i don't mean it to. i know none of this is his fault, but the fact of the matter is that his behavior takes a massive toll on my own mental health because it's quite literally constant. loud, violent outbursts, one right after another over the most miniscule triggers. yelling, screaming, swearing, hitting, throwing, kicking, etc. if he doesn't get precisely his way. and my parents are trying and they love him dearly, but they're also not very consistent, which makes me fucking nuts.

i just. i don't know what to do and it doesn't look like there's a ton that can be done. he's tried so many meds already and the one that seemed to help for a while is starting not to and he's gotten even worse. i dread him coming home from school each day and literally count down the hours until bed time. and even then, he'll get up multiple times after they put him to bed for no reason and then throws a tantrum when they tell him to go back to bed.

however bad you think it might be, i can guarantee you it's worse living with it. i'm not being dramatic. he's a nightmare to be around and he's hurt teachers and other students, not to mention how rough he is with my parents. he has an iep and hopefully this testing and results will open more doors for help at school, but apart from math, he couldn't be less interested. all he wants to do is play on the playground and then disrupts the classroom when he doesn't get his way. he's thrown chairs, hit other children, made them bleed, etc. and again, i feel like i have to state that i know this isn't his fault, that he's not doing these things on purpose, but something's gotta give, right? i'm exhausted and miserable and i can only spend so much time holed up in my bedroom, and even then, my door has to stay open enough for my cats to get in and out, and you can hear everything downstairs even at a normal volume, let alone screaming. we only have one vehicle because mine got repo-ed after i lost my job and before my long-term disability got approved, so i can't just leave the house any time i want, plus that'll be even less of an option once winter comes.

i hate it here, basically.

[harpersplay]

Some key parts of the video (any errors are from my quick transcription):

Cait Corrain did an interview, an exclusive interview, with The Daily Beast and wanted to reiterate that she is not in fact racist at all and she goes into this in-depth explanation of how she is not racist.

I'm going to preface this with a couple of things. As someone who struggles with mental health […] I don't want this video to come off to say that whatever mental health issues Cait has are not real.

The thing that I think I struggled with while reading this—because I did read it trying to be taken in as much good faith as possible—is Cait saying that it was just a mere coincidence (transcriber note: in the article, Cait actually uses the phrases "sheer, awful coincidence” and "unfortunate coincidence") that she picked out books by authors of color. I don't know how that's a mere coincidence based off of how GoodReads already functions.

People are going to look at this and say where she was struggling with her mental health. I respect that. But what I struggle with sometimes as someone who does have mental health issues and is a Black woman. Like, I don't get to weaponize my mental health for being a complete ass to another group of people. I don't have the luxury of doing that and I feel like that's where white women have that advantage.

Just because you know that someone is struggling doesn't mean that you can't do them harm. Just because you yourself are part of a marginalized community does not mean that you cannnot do another marginalized community wrong. We need to get that out of our our heads completely.

The article goes further and states that at one point she woke up the next day and realized that she had created GoodReads accounts but refused to delete them because she didn't want to face the fact that she needed help. So you knew that this was happening because, granted yes, I understand you were having periods of blackouts. But you knew that you had done this. You knew that you were actively harming people. You didn't delete the accounts.

I've been in this position. Sometimes when you do wrong there's not an excuse or an explanation that you can give that's going to justify the behavior. This is one of those situations where it's, "I did wrong. I accept responsibility. And I need to do some self-healing. I need to work on myself." Not continuously try to reframe things, trying to do press control, trying to do damage control, trying to control social media so that you're not seen as the villain in this narrative. You are the villain in this narrative and it happens to all of us. Not at the scale that you are at but all of us have been the villain to someone's story at some point. You have created so much harm to these authors. It doesn't matter what story you put out at this point the damage is done. These authors have had to delete their GoodReads accounts. These authors have been permanently damaged for your action.

I want to emphasize once again I do not deny that Cait has mental health issues. I do not deny that. I can't in good faith do that because I have been in that situation. But there's also a certain sense of lack of accountability in this situation […] Take responsibility and move on and stop trying to flip this in a way that you are getting sympathy for the situation the way that it happened and now you want people to to feel sorry for you because you have mental health struggles and you want people to not perceive you as being racist. You don't want people to perceive you as being bigoted but what you did was a very bigoted and racist thing.

I can't take this as justification. I can't even take this as an explanation. I genuinely can't. I feel like, you know, you can say: "I've had mental health issues. The behavior that I did was wrong and I need time to reflect and get my life together." And that is it. But putting out this whole narrative where it ultimately feels like, you know, "oh I want to tell my side of the story." There is no explaining this away.

PLEASE watch the entire video. It is so good and I honestly would have transcribed the entire thing if I had the time. Weaponised white feminity/fragility is a real issue and we need to talk about it. It is not only antithetical to intersectional feminism. It also keeps white women trapped as these infantile people who will break if they have to take accountability for their actions. The patriarchy wants this idea to thrive because it makes room for the good, brave white men to protect their innocent women from the big scary reality of the world. A gilded cage is still a cage, y'all.

(I came across some contradictory information regarding if Cait Corrain uses she and they pronouns or she or they pronouns. Since this article—that appeared in a publication Cait chose to give an exclusive interview to—consistently uses "she," I have as well. The article has been up about 2 weeks as of this post and I think Cait would have called for a correction by now if unhappy being referred to that way.)

[beardedmrbean]

One of Europe's most wanted cyber criminals has been jailed for attempting to blackmail 33,000 people whose confidential therapy notes he stole.

Julius Kivimäki obtained them after breaking into the databases of Finland's largest psychotherapy company, Vastaamo.

After his attempt to extort the company failed, he emailed patients directly, threatening to reveal what they had told their therapists.

At least one suicide has been linked to the case, which has shocked the country.

Kivimäki has been sentenced to six years and three months in prison.

In terms of the number of victims, his trial was the biggest criminal case in Finnish history.

One of them gave their reaction to the BBC.

"The main thing is that this absolutely empathy-lacking, ruthless criminal gets a prison sentence", said Tiina Parikka.

"After this there rise thoughts about how short the conviction is, when reflected against the number of victims", she added.

"But, that's the Finnish law and I must accept that."

The 26-year-old had maintained his innocence - despite going on the run and being arrested in Paris under a fake identity.

During the trial, he also went missing for more than a week after refusing to be recalled back to prison by the court.

The judges found him guilty of all counts, describing his blackmail as "ruthlessly taking advantage of another person's special weakness."

"Taking into account Vastaamo's position as a company producing mental health services, Kivimäki has caused great suffering or the risk of it to the interested parties," the verdict document said.

The verdict brings to an end a cyber crime spree that started when he was just 13 years old.

Kivimäki, known online as Zeekill, was a key member of multiple teenage cyber gangs which caused chaos between 2009-2015.

He was arrested in 2013, at the age of 15, and given a juvenile non-custodial two-year suspended sentence.

At the time, cyber experts were worried his punishment would fail to deter him - and he was quickly linked to many more hacks carried out with teen gangs before disappearing for years.

His name was quickly linked to the Vastaamo hack of 2020 after experts pointed to Kivimäki traits in the attack.

He demanded a 400,000 Euro (£340,000) ransom from the company.

When it refused, he emailed thousands of patients asking for 200 Euros and threatening to publish their notes and personal details on the darknet which he did anyway in full.

But it was a mistake that the hacker made himself that led police to a treasure trove of information found on a server that Kivimäki owned.

Unprecedented digital forensics and cryptocurrency tracking also helped secure the conviction.

Tiina Parikka recalls receiving the email from him saying that he had her therapy notes.

She told the BBC it caused her to relapse into mental health problems that the therapy had initially helped her overcome.

“So many people were affected by this in so many ways," she said.

The boss of Vastaamo, Ville Tapio, was also convicted of failing to protect his customers' sensitive data.

Investigations found that the databases were vulnerable and open to the internet without proper protections.

He was given a suspended three-month prison sentence last year.

The company which was once a highly regarded and successful business in Finland collapsed after the hack.

Despite the conviction, the Vastaamo case is not over as civil court cases are now likely to begin in an attempt to get some of the victims compensation for the hack.

[dwarf-vader-of-middle-earth]

I fucking hate the USA. So much.

My mother sent in paperwork weeks ago to the insurance company, stating that they had agreed to keep her covered while she was recovering and laid up from work.

Yesterday, our insurance company suddenly said they never received the paperwork that was faxed directly to them despite the fact that I had witnessed it being done so, and that the insurance was cancelled indefinitely.

Today, my tooth broke horribly and is super sharp and painful, it's scraping my cheek inside until I can't even talk without feeling pain, and I have a bad taste in my mouth from it. I am mid lupus flare, and my migraines are returning as a result. And the most agonizing thing of all is I have suddenly developed a fissure in my lower body and I am in such horrible agony that I cannot use the bathroom without screaming and crying.

And I can get help with none of this. All because the fucking insurance company probably threw aside the faxed documents and ignored them completely, and they're just sitting there in a pile or on a computer and will never be seen.

I am suffering. I am in severe pain in multiple places and it is actually making my life unliveable. I cannot do basic functions (use the bathroom, walk, eat). And there's not a damn thing I can do for this until the insurance company agrees to sign us back on, and there is legit no telling how long it'll be. Last time this happened, it was a full month we had to go without insurance. And apparently that's a short time.

Doctors will not and cannot see me because I am not covered by insurance, and therefore I am not permitted by their practices to be treated since having no insurance is a liability issue. If I managed to find a private practice primary care doctor, and oral surgeon, and rheumatologist, which is basically impossible on all accounts, my family would be shelling out literally hundreds of dollars for just one visit to each one where I'd have to go for even more expensive testing that would be tens of thousands of dollars, and none of it would even including the far more expensive meds that would be thousands of dollars each and I'd need at least 6 prescriptions covered. And my mom currently has to pay off the insane hospital bills and surgery bills and helicopter medivac ride bills, the last of which isn't even covered by insurance despite the fact that it was necessary for her life to be saved. So there is no money for uninsured doctor visits.

American healthcare is a Godsforsaken scam that fucking kills people. I'm not even making that up. Doctors here admit insurance companies exist to scam you out of your money. And it's illegal to not have health insurance. And having no health insurance means no care which means death. If you do have health insurance then it means you're denied care and coverage and limited on where you can go for any appointments and what steps you must take to get an appointment, the steps of which each require increasing copays just to be told you have to find another type of doctor, and pay them a copay for them to say the same thing, and it keeps going until the issue is so bad you wind up in the hospital. If you don't know what you're doing when finding doctors and filling out paperwork and signing documents for things regarding health and treatment, you're scammed out of literally hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Insurance companies are bullshit. They will profit off you, then refuse to benefit you in any way, and then take away all medical resources for stupid reasons without notice, literally leaving you to suffer and die without care.

Fuck the USA.

[abbymorla]

Psycho-Pass Blog Day 10 2/6/24

My initial reaction to this series was that it was just another dystopian series kind of like if Divergent was an anime. However, this anime seems to examine and quantify mental health into normal and clinical levels. It could be that this is kind of what is predicted for a future society in which mental health is neglected. It is especially sad because the government measures value of life based on a mental health score rather than someone’s actions. To an extent, most people can control their actions better than their thoughts, thus this system is extremely unfair. Furthermore, this anime explores the idea of “for the good of the many”. In the very first episode, Akane is supposed to kill a girl who was originally a victim. Akane knows this is wrong as the girl was who she was trying to save in the first place, and refuses to shoot her. To the entire society, there is this idea that eliminating certain people prevents crime from taking over the population. I find this to be inaccurate as people’s crime coefficient changes rapidly and for little if any reason at all. Thus, instead of rehabilitating people and releasing them, they inhumanely murder. I also thought it was interesting that they used criminals to hunt down people with high crime coefficients- very Suicide Squad-esque. Another interesting thing is that people in this society are assigned different categories of work based on how they score on certain exams. This would be great in theory, however, we see that Akane is less than optimal for the job that she ended up in. It seems these tests do not take human emotion/ personality into account rendering them ineffective for a “utopian” society. Final note- I love the play on words for the name of the show. Being that psychopath and psycho-pass sounds very similar.

[elektroyu]

Health logistics stuff under the cut

Sooo my psychiatrist (where I get my sick leave slips) would like me to get into some sort of psychosomatic clinic, or if I don't want that, at least would like me to do some sort of ambulant psychotherapy. I definitely don't want to do the former because I don't see how that would NOT crush what little bit of energy I still have.

You see, I like being able to dress myself, make myself meals, get myself some tea or water when needed, get groceries like once a week etc etc, and I also like being able to do a little bit of creative work for a little bit of extra cash here and there, and care for my pets myself, even though all of those things juuuust barely are what I can manage on my own. But I CAN still manage that on my own somehow.

Now if you add anything on top of that, even just a little chill birthday party with closest family or a doc or vet appointment, the scales already begin to tip and I need to adjust my routine to get lots of extra rest for a couple days. Or extra weeks if it's bad.

That said, to be thrown into a whole new environment with all the unfamiliar stimuli that would need extra processing from the brain, completely different routines that don't take into account the pacing needs of someone with ME/CFS, potential logistics issues if you can walk only short distances for limited amounts per day with breaks in between for like 3 hours, also with it's new people - especially medical personnel which may or may not know what ME/CFS is and thus may or may not know what pacing in that context means plus the potential catastrophic consequences of pushing such a patient over what they're able to do, which thus may or may not result in having to get into arguments with them about my safety - I honestly don't see me benefitting at all from such an arrangement. So I'll refuse that however I can. It's simply not an option. I want to continue being able to care for myself as much as possible.

That leaves me with normal ambulant psychotherapy. Which in theory? I don't mind doing it, I'm actually having fun exploring myself and working on myself to get better at life, so from that point of view - sure, bring it on! But even that is difficult for me to do, because even back when I was much better than I'm now this was already taking a toll on me if it was every week. Every 2 weeks was better, but still hard to do. And then there's the question of how do I even get there regularly? I definitely can't pay for taxis each week 😂 but I also can't use public transport because I'd need to walk further than I'm able to without worsening my symptoms. Now usually my sister drives me to appointments, or at least she used to. But now her working schedule changed and she doesn't have the time anymore to drive me somewhere each week (not to mention, she has her own life lol). I do have that scooter mobility aid, but that's not reliable enough because it's not weatherproof 🙄 it's only made for dry days lol and I paid for that thing on my own so if it breaks I'm simply fucked (and idk if I'm physically even able to use it for longer distances in the first place - never got to try that out because never had the spoons left; works great on short distances if the weather allows though).

So what does that leave me with? Idk tbh. At the end of the month I have another appointment at the psychiatrist, but it's a substitute doc again I think, so idk how helpful they can be. We'll see, I guess. 🤷

Then there's the question of: cognitive behavioral therapy or depth psychological therapy? Which would be better in my case (ignoring the logistics issues)?