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erazonpo3 · 3 years ago

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WOWM

so What Once Was Mine came out and I read it.

My General Thoughts are that this book was something of a rollercoaster but in like a pop up carnival with dubious safety regulations and diseases in the DIY log flume water kind of way. I had some fun reading it but I also feel like I picked up a rash.

If you're like me and you enjoy picking a book apart for morsels of interesting concepts then you might enjoy it, if you think holy shit why the fuck is a literal real historical serial killer in this book I need to see this then you might enjoy it, if you care about engaging plots and character beats then you probably won't.

If you want to ask me anything specific go ahead, but otherwise for more in depth thoughts: spoilers ahead

Basic Summary of the Plot

Okay so here's the deal. The story has the framing device of two siblings in a cancer ward, where one tells the other a story. I'll get into that later, but that's how it starts. Our actual story starts with a pretty long prologue: We learn that the King & Queen got the Moonflower thinking it was the Sunflower, Rapunzel was born with silver hair, and then baby Rapunzel kills a maid who accidentally hurt her when brushing her hair.

Oh, by the way, Max is a human man named Justin Tregsburg. Yeah.

Anyway, the royal family puts out feelers for legit witches who can safely take care of Rapunzel because the baby is too dangerous, and Gothel shows up to take her away. Queen Arianna visits Rapunzel once (but is only allowed to watch through a peephole) and decides watching another woman raise her child is too painful and throws herself into restoring the kingdom's orphanages instead.

Now we're in the present. Rapunzel is nineteen and she wants to go and see the lanterns (a mourning tradition of the Dead princess in this story). She tries to argue with Gothel but gets shut down, and Gothel makes her kill a chicken to prove the point that she can't go outside because she's too dangerous. However we as the audience already know Gothel plans to sell Rapunzel off as a bride or a servant or a weapon to some other nobles, because she's evil.

Also by the way Gothel still has access to our Sundrop Flower and is using it to live forever that's just a thing that happens in the background.

When Gothel is gone Rapunzel watches as a man (Flynn) stores a satchel in a tree outside of her tower, and that motivates her to leave the tower for the first time. Then she goes back inside the tower with her prize of a crown, and a skink she found and named Pascal. Rapunezl and Gothel have another spat, and Rapunzel decides she will run off to see the lanterns and she will find Flynn and make him her guide.

She ends up at the Snuggly Duckling and she doesn't find Flynn but she does find Gina, a young career criminal girl looking to break the glass ceiling. Gina agrees to help her find Flynn. They find Flynn, and he agrees to help guide Rapunzel to see the floating lanterns for a split reward of the crown with Gina.

The Snuggly Duckling gets burned down by Countess Bathory (yes that Elizabeth Bathory) and the Pub Thugs are pissed about it and also they're helping Rapunzel even though she didn't sing the I've Got A Dream song don't worry about it. We learn that the nobles that wanted to buy Rapunzel are now hunting her down so she can go to auction.

Gina takes them to her adopted mother's cottage. Gina's mother is a white witch, who goes by the name of Goodwife. She doesn't get an actual name she's just The Goodwife. Anyhow, the cottage is a magic safe space (for now) and Goodwife teaches Rapunzel that her hair isn't inherently evil and may not even be all that deadly! Rapunzel learns that her hair has other powers too, like the ability to turn skink Pascal into a sentient Chameleon. Yeah.

Also Goodwife tells Rapunzel she's the dead princess but this isn't like, an immediate call to action. Not a lot happens until we get this story's version of the Mother Knows Best Reprise where Gothel finds Rapunzel again but has to flee, but this Rapunzel has a bigger support network and isn't buying it. Flynn and Gina decide the safest course of action is to bring Rapunzel to the castle, but along the way she gets kidnapped by the Countess.

Gothel is pissed because she still wants the money for Rapunzel, so she rallies the armies of all the opposing bidders. Flynn and Gina convince Max the Man to send for his troops, and he joins them in going to the enemy castle. Flynn tries to sneak in, gets caught, and meanwhile there's a bloody battle out the front between the noble armies. Max jumps into the fray, Gina turns around and rallies the Pub Thugs.

Rapunzel uses her shrinking magic (!) to disappear half the castle and escape with Eugene, and the Pub Thugs arrive and basically end the battle. The Captain is dying but it's okay! Rapunzel turns him into a horse :) Also Rapunzel sees Gothel and tells her to fuck off.

The story ends with a tearful reunion between Rapunzel and her parents, Eugene and Gina are implied to be biological siblings, and things are good but of course in direct parallel to Cass Gina leaves at the end to become an adventurer. The end.

(There are a few other smaller plot beats, but you get the idea.)

MY THOTS

So here are my thoughts™.

Framing Device

I'll just state that I didn't like that the story was told via the vehicle of an older brother telling his 16 year old sister a different version of the Tangled Movie in a cancer ward. From what I've heard it also isn't normal for the Twisted Tales series to use a framing device for the AUs either.

I sympathise with the author's personal story, of course I do. That doesn't mean I'm stirred with compassion every time the flow of the story is interrupted to remind you to be sad because this is a story being told to a girl sick with cancer. It feels more than a little tragedy-porny rather than emotionally touching, and maybe that's because I'm too burnt out on real life tragedy to waste emotional energy on fictional cancer patients but we don't need to do Fault In Our Stars discourse again.

Real World References

This story goes heavy with Real World references. And another issue with the framing device as above is that you do feel like this is a story being told by someone namedropping every historical figure they know which makes it harder to get into the story.

There's like... a lot of references to Christianity, particularly in the prologue. There's a priest that thinks Rapunzel's hair is the work of the Devil or whatever. It's a lot. The Patriarchy is a thing. And that's not even getting into the Countess. I put it very succinctly in my notes so I'll paste it here:

I wish she’d just been an OC who could exist to chew scenery because the fact that she was a literal historical serial killer is super. Off putting. Like, she could have been an obvious reference to Bathory, but it feels like Miku Binder Hamilton levels of uncomfortable to me.

I miss Lady D.

Which basically sums up my problem with trying to take the setting of Tangled and put it somewhere in the Real World and somewhere on the Timeline. Who thought this was a good idea.

Misc. Thoughts

So, I used the five highlighter colours my ipad allows to organise my thoughts and organised them accordingly: Yellow for out of place IRL references, Blue for worldbuilding/character points that aren't plot relevant but still interesting, Pink for when something I find personally amusing happens, Purple for when the story feels like it's trying to 1-up the movie in some kind of way and Green for Heterosexual Nonsense. I'll touch on those last two in the Character sections but be prepared.

Also: for a book about giving Rapunzel killer hair, her hair isn't very dangerous. I wanted to see Rapunzel kill someone, and I'm disappointed that I didn't.

Characters

I'll do a deep dive into my thoughts about the characters before wrapping it up. I'm starting with Gina because she's honestly the easiest to get through.

Gina

Gina is a new character introduced for the story. She's a young woman trying to make it as a career criminal but keeps hitting that glass ceiling. So here's the down low, for all those who want to know: Gina is basically Cass, only not really. She's implied to be Eugene's biological sister, as previously mentioned, but you can imagine she's Cass the entire way through without breaking your immersion because if you imagined Cass if she were adopted by a Goodwitch rather than the Captain and had a looser, more wilderness survivor than trainee guard upbringing then you get Gina.

I liked Gina! I think she's fun as her own character too, and her best moments are when she's interacting with her mother Goody Goodwife, and she of course picks up a natural sibling rivalry with Eugene, but I was disappointed with how little she really bonded with Rapunzel because she needed to make room for Eugene and Rapunzel's romance.

Rapunzel

Okay, here's our protagonist. There's a notable effort to make Rapunzel more active in her destiny and whatever, and sometimes it works but sometimes it doesn't. I was worried they'd try to go full butt-kicking girlboss with her but I was pleasantly surprised that Rapunzel was pretty useless in most scenes, genuinely love to see it.

With a more intimate look into Rapunzel's psyche through the medium of prose, we see Rapunzel really questioning Gothel's behaviour even before she leaves the tower, and while I appreciate that she can develop her own cynicism I feel it starts unnecessarily early. This is my purple colour; the movie needs to be "fixed" by showing the readers that this Rapunzel is quicker to distrust Gothel. She's also quicker to hatch a plan to go outside of the tower on her own, and she makes a plan to make Flynn her guide for the lanterns even though he never stumbles upon her in the tower- and even though she has a perfectly rational reason not to trust him which is that he is a stranger and a Wanted Thief.

In the moments where it does work is when Rapunzel is surrounded by her new support network: Flynn, Goodwife and Gina, who encourage her to question Gothel's sincerity, and Rapunzel comes up with her own defences for Gothel so that she can poke through them herself.

I have some other thoughts about Rapunzel's hair and her powers, like how the story provides the interesting concept that her hair gets different powers with the different phases of the moon, but a lot of the powers are uhhh stupid and also I feel like it really robs the story of the whole gripping conflict of "Yes I'm Rapunzel Yes my hair kills people what of it".

In as far as just Rapunzel herself though, she still felt pretty in character nonetheless, and maybe that's all I can ask.

Flynn Rider / Eugene Fitzherbert

My boy I am so sorry. They neutered my boy.

Long story short: Eugene in this story is the sexy lamp. He contributes nothing to the plot except to be there for Rapunzel to drool over. And of course because he won't get any character development, he starts from the very beginning as a sweet soft boi with none of the Flynn Rider characterisation from the movie because we don't have time for that, he needs to be husband material stat.

His whole character is the colour green for Heterosexual Nonsense.

So, here's the problem. In the movie, there's not a lot of time for ~friendship~ between Rapunzel and Eugene because they kind of immediately see each other as a romantic prospect. And whatever, it's a movie and there's only so much time. But this book had the opportunity to take things a bit slower and instead chooses to make Rapunzel get jealous whenever Eugene and Gina interact and for her to be constantly wishing he was holding her hand.

Say what you will about Lost Lagoon, but it tells a good romance story just by virtue of not intending to be a romance story, because the author is trying to convey a strong bond between Rapunzel and Cassandra without using "and they kiss" as a cheatcode. What Once Was Mine says "he was a boy, she was a girl, could it be any more obvious?" and leaves it at that.

Now as for how this all pertains to Eugene's character? Well, it just robs him of any flavour. In the movie there's a clear distinction between Flynn and Eugene, when we learn Eugene's real name about halfway through. We see a clear difference between the Flynn we knew- kind of an asshole, wanated to drop Rapunzel off at the Snuggly Duckling and get rid of her- and Eugene, who is sincere and chooses Rapunzel as his New Dream in opposition to his Old Dream of living alone on an island with a bunch of money.

This version of Eugene is basically Eugene all the way through, because the plot doesn't really need Eugene there but he has to be there because it's a Tangled AU so there's no Rapunzel rescuing Flynn from the guards and healing his hand scene, he just loves her immediately and that's that. They have a little spat at one point but it's cleared up later and not because they actually communicate but because they kiss.

Rapunzel only learns Eugene's real name at the very end of the story, and gives a speech about how Eugene is the real him, but it's just so flat because 'Flynn' has been sincere this whole time? Anyway he does nothing of value for the entire story except be there for Rapunzel to lust after. Eugene I'm so sorry.

Gothel

Gothel's sort of the Big Bad and is characterised as an abusive asshole, the usual. I wish there were a bit more nuance to her character but then again in this story she's not just being passively evil- taking care of Rapunzel for selfish reasons but nevertheless maintaining the status quo- she's being actively evil in trying to sell Rapunzel off.

It's notably funny that Gothel sees the Countess Bathory and is like "what the fuck".

Anyway Gothel in this story also feels very weak in part because this Rapunzel is more critical and in part because this Rapunzel has a new support network. It's for that reason the Mother Knows Best Reprise scene doesn't really work, because the original has Gothel pit Rapunzel against Eugene, whereas she can't do that here so it remains a Gothel vs Rapunzel thing.

She gets a boring death as an epilogue addendum that someone rips out the Sundrop flower, which tbh? lame. It would be a lot more fun if it were open ended but I am also preferential to Rapunzel actually using her killer hair to kill someone. Please

Captain Justin Tregsburg

It's Max. He was a human but then he got turned into a horse. what the fuck you guys

#how did you spend your day

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iimpavidwrites · 4 years ago

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Benzaiten Steel and the Fragility of Perception

or: reasons why setting boundaries is important #1283

I’ve figured out a reason why Benzaiten Steel stayed with his mother instead of doing the “sensible” thing and moving out. I think that it’s possible, too, that Juno has always been aware of the answer but, in the scope of Juno Steel and the Monster’s Reflection, he isn’t able to face it head-on because it contradicts his black/white, either/or sense of morality.

TL;DR: Despite Juno Steel’s unreliable narration we are able to see clearly the enmeshed relationship Benzaiten had with their mother Sarah and the ways in which that unhealthy family dynamic shaped Juno Steel as a person.

Sources: 50% speculation, 20% lit crit classes, 30% my psychology degree.

Juno’s perception of Ben is shallow and filtered through the limitations of human memory. We all know by now, too, that Juno’s an Unreliable Narrator™. In light of this, we need to ask ourselves why it is that Juno remembers Ben as happy, supportive, and only ever gentle in the challenges he poses to Juno. Throughout the episode, Ben’s memory is clearly acting as a comforting psychopomp: he ferries Juno through the metaphorical death of his old understanding of his mother (and also himself) and into a new way of thinking. He does this through persistent-but-kind questions, never telling Juno what to do or how to do it. This role could have been played by anyone in Juno’s life (Mick and Rita come to mind first) which makes it telling that Juno’s mind chose Ben to fill this role.

Juno’s version of Ben is cheerful, endlessly patient with Juno and Sarah, and above all he is compassionate. He acts as a mediating presence between Juno and Juno’s memory of Sarah and he doesn’t ask a whole lot for himself. If this is Juno’s strongest memory/impression of Ben’s behavior and perspective, then we can draw some conclusions about the roles they each played in the Steel family unit: Juno was antagonistic to Sarah and vice versa, and Ben was relegated to the role of mediator for the both of them.

Juno: She’s just evil. Ben: That’s a big word. Juno: “Evil”? Ben: No, “Just”.

We can see in this exchange that Ben is a vehicle for the compassion Juno needs to show not only to Sarah but to himself, too, in order to move on and evolve his understanding of his childhood traumas.

This is not necessarily an appropriate role for a sibling or a child to hold in a family unit.

In family psychology, one of the maladaptive relationship patterns that is discussed is enmeshment. Googling the term you’ll find a lot of sensational results (e.g. “emotional incest syndrome”) that aren’t necessarily accurate in describing what this dysfunction looks like in the real world. This is in part because enmeshment can present many different ways. So, in order to proceed with this analysis of Benzaiten Steel’s relationship with his mom, I need to define enmeshment.

Enmeshment occurs when the normal boundaries of a parent-child relationship are dissolved and the parent becomes over-reliant on the child, requiring the child to cater to their emotional needs and to otherwise become a parent to the parent (or to themself and/or to other children in the family). This is easiest to spot when a parent confides in a child as if they’re a best friend, disclosing details of their romantic life, expecting the child to give them advice on coping with work stress, and similar. Once enmeshment occurs, any kind of emotional shift in one member of the enmeshed household will reverberate to the others; self-regulation and discernment (e.g. figuring out which emotions originate in the parent and which ones originate in the child) becomes extremely difficult for the effected child and parent. When an enmeshed child becomes an enmeshed adult they often have issues with self-identity and interpersonal boundaries. For example, they may struggle to define themselves without external validation and expect others to be able to intuitively divine their emotions. After all, the enmeshed adult could do this with their parent and others easily due to hypervigilance cultivated by their parent and they may not understand that such was not the typical childhood experience. These adults are often individuals to whom the advice “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” is often relevant and disregarded. They may perceive their own needs as superfluous to others’-- and resent others as a consequence.

Another layer of complication is added when the parent in an enmeshed relationship is an addict, as Sarah Steel was. The enmeshed child often times becomes the physical caregiver to their parent as well and must cope with all the baggage loving an addict brings: the emotional rollercoaster of the parent trying to get clean or the reality of their neglecting or stealing from their child to support their habit or their simply being emotionally absent. Enmeshment leaves children with a lot of conflicting messages about their role in the family, how to conduct relationships, and how to define themself.

We only get an outside perspective on this enmeshment in the Steel family. It’s clear in the text that Juno’s relationship with his mother was fraught. He jokes in The Case of the Murderous Mask that she didn’t kill him but “not for lack of trying”, implying that Ben’s murder wasn’t the first time Sarah Steel lashed out at Juno-- or thought she was lashing out at Juno but hurt Ben instead. During the entire tenure Juno’s trek through the underworld of his own trauma, Juno asks the specter of Benzaiten over and over, “Why did you stay?”. This is a question that Juno himself can’t answer because Ben, when he was alive, probably never gave him an answer that Juno found satisfactory. There are a few possibilities, which I can guess from experience, as to what the answer was:

Ben may never have been able to articulate that his relationship with their mother left him feeling responsible for her wellbeing.

Or, if he ever told Juno that, Juno may have simply brushed off this concern. After all, as far as Juno was concerned, Sarah was only ever just evil. To protect himself from his mother’s neglect and codependence, Juno shut down his own ability to perspective-take and think about the nuances that might inform a person’s addiction, mental illness, abusive behavior, etc.

It is likely that Ben thought either his mother needed him to survive or, alternatively, that he couldn’t survive without her-- as if often the case with children who are enmeshed with their primary caregiver. It was natural and necessary for him, from this perspective, to stay. Enmeshment is a very real psychological trap.

It is often frustrating and hard as hell to love someone who is in an enmeshed relationship because, from the outside, the damage being done to them seems obvious. See: Juno’s assertion that Sarah was just evil. Juno is, even 19 years later, still angry about Sarah Steel and her failures as a parent and as a person. His thinking on this subject is very black-and-white. He positions Sarah as a Bad Guy in his discussions with Ben-the-psychopomp and the childhood cartoon slogan of “The Good Guys Always Win!” is repeated ad nauseum throughout Juno’s underworld journey. This mode of thinking serves two purposes:

First, it illustrates the role Juno played in the household: he was opposed to Sarah in all things and Sarah did not require any compassion or enmeshment from Juno. Juno was, quite possibly, neglected in favor of Ben which would create a deep resentment… toward both Sarah and toward Ben. This family dynamic would reinforce Juno’s shallow moral reasoning and leave him with vague, unachievable ideals to strive for like “Be One of the Good Guys” or “Don’t Be Like Mom” -- ideals that he can’t reach because he is a flawed human being and not a cartoon character, creating a feedback loop of resentment toward his mother and guilt about resenting Benzaiten. That guilt would further bolster Juno’s shallow memory of Ben as being infallibly patient, kind, loving, etc.

Second, Juno’s black/white moral reasoning is an in-text expression of the meaning behind Juno’s name. When “Rex Glass” points out that Juno is a goddess associated with protection, Juno immediately has a witty, bitter rejoinder ready about Juno-the-goddess killing her children. Juno was named for a deity who in some ways strongly resembles Sara Steel and he resents that he is literally being identified as his own mother. Juno-the-goddess has one hell of a temper, being the parallel to Rome’s Hera. Juno is not a goddess (detective) who forgives easily when she (he) knows that a child (Benzaiten Steel) has been harmed. This dichotomy of “venerated protector” versus “vengeful punisher” causes psychological tension for Juno that is only partially resolved in The Monster’s Reflection. The tension is not fully resolved, however, because Juno never gets a clear answer for the question, “Why did you stay?”

The answer is there but it is one that Juno doesn’t like and so can’t articulate: Ben is enmeshed with Sarah who named him, of all things, Benzaiten and that is why he stayed. We’ve already seen that names have intentional significance in the text. Benzaiten is hypothesized to be a syncretic deity between Hinduism and Buddhism, is a goddess primarily associated with water. Syncretic deities are fusions of similar deities from different religions/cultures; their existence is the result of compromise and perspective-taking and acceptance. Water, too, is forgiving in this way: it takes the shape of whatever container you pour it into... not unlike a child who is responsible for the emotional wellbeing of their entire family unit. Not unlike Benzaiten Steel.

Ben stayed with his mother because his relationship with his mother was enmeshed, leaving him little choice but to stay, and this ultimately led to tragedy. Sarah Steel’s failures as a parent are many and Juno still has a lot of baggage to unpack in that regard, especially where Ben is concerned. It’s unlikely that we’ll get the same kind of “speedrunning therapy” episode again but I know that The Penumbra is committed to a certain amount of psychological realism in its character arcs so I am confident in asserting that Juno Steel isn’t finished. Recovery is a journey and he’s only taken the first steps.

#juno steel #benzaiten steel #meta #the penumbra podcast #benten steel #sarah steel #psychology #enmeshment #bad parenting #iimpavid writes #chatter #the monster's reflection #the case of the murderous mask

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quiltwork · 5 years ago

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Befriending the Emotional Brain

From the book The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk. Read this last winter and wrote down a lot of what I learned that was spiritually safe, so here we go!!

• 1. Hyperarousal (Hypo) - Strength training and regular stretching is really calming and wakes up your body. Deep breathing counting 4 going in, 4 holding, and 4 going out helps. OR change up the count time. I typically make it 4-7-8. A new computer program called Neurofeedback seems to be promising in nonverbally talking down the brain into calming down. Other than that, the healthy coping techniques (to distract from triggers or process memories) of TF-CBT, DBT, or the Extensive Preparation and Stabilization period of EMDR should help with this. I would also recommend Kati Morton on YouTube for her great videos on coping techniques.

• 2. Body Awareness - Are you aware what your body feels like during each emotion? If you’re not sure, print out or make a wheel of emotion like these babies:

Cause once you know what you’re feeling, you can journal about it. Other descriptive words of what that’s like, what you notice yourself leaning towards doing because of this emotion, such as negative coping mechanisms of lashing out at others and being passive aggressive, pushing and running away into your work, going into your daydream world and sleeping, addictions to alcohol, drugs, food or starving and purging, self harm, love, sex, porn, video games, technology etc. Or maybe you cope badly by people pleasing and being codependent on toxic people so they don’t leave you. Deciding whether to distract or sit and feel (process) through that emotion till it’s gone.

• 3. Safe Relationships - Family, friends, AA meetings, veterans’ organizations, church communities, and therapists. People who will let you talk about your trauma and feelings, who understand and have empathy and compassion (because that drives out your shame and helps you heal). I know it’s hard to find someone who will actually emotionally support you the way you might have supported them in the past, but I’ve been told people like this exist somewhere, so don’t give up looking. At the most, a therapist is trained in understanding and compassion, and a support group gives you a chance at talking without being judged and interrupted or being given bad advice, and the more you go the more you feel a bit more comfortable in trying out the Steps and Principles they’re based on. Looking after horses at a Recovery Ranch or maybe animals at the shelter, or any kind of pet also helps you to heal if people are too scary to work with at the present, cause the animals gradually help you to relax and open up around people eventually.

• 4. Rhythm and Synchrony - Singing, dancing, theater, writing, drawing, painting, Sensorimotor therapy, Dance/Movement therapy, Somatic Experiencing therapy, EMDR therapy, sensory integration, parent-child interaction therapy. I don’t know how true it is for PTSD sufferers, but for C-PTSD sufferers who struggle with varying amounts of dissociation and amnesia, trauma is stored in the body, like in the nervous system, so-to speak. Trauma changes your brain so the frontal cortex of executive functioning skills are now dysfunctioning. Memories aren’t being processed so they’re being relived. And it seems like your personality isn’t what it once was, or your past interests have left the building. In time while recovering, you may regain some aspects of your personality and interests back or you may not, but that’s alright you’re still recovering and becoming your best self. So with this, we process with our bodies and not with our thinking brain, which is offline while dissociating during a trauma, flashback and trigger. This type of therapy works a whole lot better for a lot of people who can’t talk about their trauma yet. Trauma can be pretty unspeakably awful, so this is a great way to go about it.

• 5. Body work - Therapeutic massage and the FeldenKrais Method, if you’re up for it. Some people are willing to work through their anxiety and discomfort to go through with it in order to relax the body that experienced trauma in the past so it’s not so tense or numb. I can barely handle a massage chair at the local workout place near me, so you do you lol

• 6. Taking Action - Self defense and the Model Mugging Program are pretty cool things to check out if you’re looking to try to keep yourself physically safe. I thought it was awesome that the model mugging program has women shouting to pump each other up that they’re worth something and they can do it. Another way of taking action I believe could be simply just spreading awareness of how trauma works, how trauma bonds work and supporting other survivors in recovery. You could even volunteer somewhere to help kids with the same issues possibly, or go to college and become a social worker, lawyer, or whatever else you feel is a good fit for helping people.

#Bessel van der Kolk #The Body Keeps the Score #C-PTSD recovery #cptsd recovery #ptsd recovery #ptsd #cptsd #c-ptsd #complex ptsd #complex trauma

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jenniferstolzer · 5 years ago

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Babylon 5 Rewatch sp 2:18: Confessions and Lamentations

A more fitting episode to be watching in March of 2020 I could not ask for.

A plague has invaded Babylon 5. It preys on the nervous systems of certain aliens, specifically the Markab. Sheridan and Franklin try desperately to combat the virus both medically and politically as the station is overrun with fear and suspicion.

I’d be remiss not to mention that I, along with most of the planet, am sheltering at home at the moment in fear of Covid19. I’ll try not to dwell on it considering present-day readers are being inundated with not only news of the pandemic, but also rewatches of this episode which have been popping up on the facebook group like crazy. That said, on with the likes/liked lesses.

Things I like about Confessions and Lamentations

1, this is one of the best episodes in the entire show. It’s subtle and tragic and well acted even though a large portion of the dramatic weight is carried by people in full prosthetic. Special tribute to the Markab child who does an excellent job on what I’m going to assume was a very strange role for them, and Lazerann who is MVP of this episode. He was so genuine and sweet, and you really felt the friendship between him and Franklin which is tough with one-episode appearances. The fact that he sacrificed himself for the cause, then offered his body to science, he’s such a genuine person. Then for him to die before telling Franklin who to send his love to... he’s one of the best episode characters. Lazerann even calls Franklin on his drug addiction, furthering his plotline casually in a logical way. Also they gave him one of the best lines. “That seems to be the rule, doesn’t it? Analyze the problem, choose whatever strategy that makes the least sense and do it.” Okay it’s decided, in my headcanon, Laz and Stephen hang beyond the rim. They meet up for drinks and toast to no more death.

2, Delenn’s romance with Sheridan is officially getting started, and it is very cute. Side note... Lennier really is the show’s woobie. He spent two days of his life preparing this meal for Delenn and John, and went with Delenn into the isolation zone. We know in retrospect that he’s doing it out of duty and especially love for Delenn, which makes it seem even more torturous for him to prepare a meal for 2 days on a purification diet only to watch the object of his affection use it to flirt with her potential boyfriend. Lennier aside, though, the touching moments between Sheridan and Delenn are so well done. When she asks to go into the quarantine zone and he refuses to protect her, it’s great subtle scripting and acting, you see how the true meaning simmers beneath. Actually brought a tear to my eye as she promised to see him in the beyond “where no shadows lie”

3, Delenn’s bravery in the quest to give comfort and care to the sick and afraid is a deep and beautiful thing. It should not be overlooked. The tears on the faces of both she and Lennier at the end are not equal to the price paid by the dead, but the value placed on the emotional support of the suffering emphasizes the importance of nurses in times like these. People deserve respect, and to be treated with value and dignity especially when they are sick. When the rest of the station was jeering and spitting on the Markab, these two very important people humbled themselves to treat them kindly and that’s very important. As is her line on the matter: “I didn’t know that similarity was required for the exercise of compassion.”

Things I like less

1, If I’ve learned anything from watching this during the Covid19 outbreak its that those doctors would be in full hazmat but they’d still be in the iso-lab helping. Nurses helping. Doctors helping. Maybe not all of them, but at least some would do it. Medical responders are strong.

2, That asshat barkeep at the end who makes a joke about genocide and spreads conspiracy theories about the vorlons, and how right/accurate/applicable Franklin’s final line to the episode is. We never learn. Never learn.

other random thoughts:

Ivanova walks into CNC and is like Warren Keffer is doing something useful and Sheridan makes a frog face and is like “Put a stop to it.” Shitting on Keffer is always funny knowing he was a studio mandate JMS didn’t want in the first place. His quest to hyperspace is important to the end of the season, but the metanarrative is so transparent.

Franklin’s surgical outfit looks like his garndma made it with a crochet hook. You gotta laugh at what you can in such an emotionally affecting episode.

Scene:

Lazerann: We have a right to privacy!

Sheridan: No you don’t!

Franklin: I’m here! Give us some privacy!

Me (as Lazerann): RUDE!

WHO ARE THESE LADIES IN EARTH FORCE UNIFORMS? I need to know all of their names RIGHT NOW.

Garibaldi knows the score. We are watching the scapegoat argument play out as we speak in the modern world. Everyone trying to get off the station. Everything in quarantine. Rounding up the Markab will make the illness progress faster and kill more efficiently, but we have to kill the cats right? (also fanfiction note, Markabs have red blood... also Drazi have white blood. You’re welcome)

#babylon 5 #babylon 5 spoilers #babylon 5 rewatch #delenn #markab #art #jenstoart #episode review

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callsignbaphomet · 4 years ago

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14, 15, 17, 25, 32, 36, and 46! Caveat is 25 has to be answered by at least the big three, J, A, and L! Otherwise go w/whoever uwu

Lol so you know what? Let's just triple it up for all Qs because why not.

14. Do they look up to anyone?

Loke: His mom. She's always been there for as far back as he can remember. She taught him a lot of what she knew about healing, her fighting style which when mixed in with his dad's made him a threat. She also managed to teach him an arcane attack her tribe uses which was a huge deal since regular berserkers can't use magic. He always hung around her and kind of hero worshipped her as one of the most wisest women and fiercest warriors. He learned everything she taught him and he even became the field medic because of her.

He always thought of her as a mother even before Sanaa and Ingvarr married and she was okay with it so when they DID marry he was ecstatic.

Jelani: His mom and grandpa Haakon. His mom taught him everything she taught Loke. Everyone was sure he was an arcane berserker just like her so she taught him magic as well but like Loke it never really stuck. The bit he learned he did on his own and it wasn't anything he'd been taught but he modified it to mimic his mom's lessons as best he could. She naturally taught him of her people and culture and he was always stunned at her accomplishments and was a positive influence in his life. Unbeknownst to him his parents but especially his mother helped in making him more "human" if that makes especially during his teens when his previous self was kinda threatening to emerge.

His grandpa was a huge influence on him and emotional support. Thing is Haakon always had a suspicion that he was something entirely else but Jela did as well difference is that Jela felt really alienated because of it and was often afraid of that but Haakon always made sure to make him feel better about his differences and would often sooth his feelings of alienation. He was also an extremely accepting and open minded person and he learned a lot of compassion from him.

Angelus: Ever since he was in his grandpa's custody he was surrounded by people who influenced him and shaped him into the man he currently is. So he has a lot of people he looks up to. Trevor introduced him to a woman he looked up to (so much so that he took her surname). Ravencroft was a werewolf and the first exposure Angelus had to the arcane. Because of her he became intrested in magic and decided to learn it. She showed him all that was possible within the arcane and pointed him in the right direction to get started and ever since then he's continued.

Between Jelani, Loke and Trevor he learned to write, read and speak (as in forming coherent sentences) and he learned confidence from them.

Aleksey taught him everything from his family history, got him the help he needed and taught him all there is to know about werewolves and what it meant to be one. He also taught him to read, write and speak Sumerian and Russian.

15. Who is their best friend?

Loke: Okay, so like, Jelani is his best friend. Those two are like THE definition of unconditional love.

However, Abigail is also his best friend. They really got to know each other when she was his spotter for a wet works and from then on it's like thick as thieves. They've even been mistaken for a couple but it's because of how they talk to each other and behave with each other. Abby has no closely related living relatives so on her wedding he walked her down the aisle.

Really close to a best friend is Trevor. First person he ran up to when he found out he was gonna be a dad was Lo. I've never mentioned them being best friends because they've never given it much thought. When they first met Trevor didn't trust him but it wasn't personal. Then he found out that Jelani, who he was hanging out with a lot, was Lo's younger brother and when he saw how they were with each other he liked Lo even less but this was because how they treated each other reminded him of him and his younger brother who'd died of pneumonia. Lo found out Trev was uncomfortable around him so he gave him the space he needed until one day they just started talking and got along pretty well. As the years went by they just kind of hung out a lot. And then a lot of years later they fucked for a while and then just stayed really good occasionally fuck buddies especially after Jelani and Angelus became boyfriends.

Jelani: Let's get the obvious answer outta the way first. It's Loke. Those two would die for each other and on several occasions have actually almost died protecting each other. They're never far apart for long, neither of them like it.

There's also Trevor who's been a really good friend ever since they met. At one point Trev became the third one in the group and the three of them were inseparable.

And many, many, years later Jelani and Trevor fucked for a while. I like to think their friendship is really solid. Was a little rocky after Jela was crushing on borderline in love with him but things went back to normal after Jela got over it.

Angelus: Well, first and foremost it's Ginger. They liked each other the second they met but as soon as each they found out that they were both arcanists it was like heart eyes motherfucker! Like Loke and Abigail they're a power duo in the field and anything one doesn't know about anything arcane the other will know. Basically Ginger is his bff.

Close but also the big brother he never had is Trevor. He thinks of Loke the same but more so Trevor. At one point after he was in his grandfather's custody and was recovering physically and mentally he went silent. Didn't want to talk at all to anyone, not even Jelani. It wasn't out of anger he just couldn't bring himself to talk. Trevor had experience with this because his little brother was mute. Also tbh Trevor really felt for 'im. Jelani told Trev and Lo how he'd found him and then later the three of them found out what had happened to him during all those years. During that time he wasn't talking Trevor managed to communicate with him and after he gained enough confidence to speak he was usually seen talking to Trevor a lot. He absolutely loves Trevor and will fuck you up if you even breathe wrong in his direction.

And of course there's his husband who he considers his best friend and safest person to be around in the world. J's pretty much been his first everything. Well, except for boyfriend that was someone else. He was in love with him but kept it a secret and took every chance he could to be with or near him until muuuuuuuuuuuuuuch later he accidentally revealed it. The rest is history.

Lol Trevor might be friend shaped.

17. Who is the person they hate most in the world?

Loke: Man who killed his grandpa and the man who killed his fiancé.

Jelani: Man who killed his grandpa. I'd say he hates that man more than even his peers from his "previous" life that betrayed him.

Angelus: His abusers for obvious reasons but at the same time he doesn't hate them. He hates everything he had to endure but at the same time he was conditioned to believe he deserved it and even in modern times he still kinda thinks the same way so in a way he feels like any hatred he feels towards them isn't justifiable. These mixed feelings also extend towards his grandmother and one of his uncles. Both were the worst of the bunch with his grandmother allowing all the torture and knowing about the raping done by his own uncle but not caring. Then her emotionally and mentally abusing him.

To say he got some sense of relief after he got some payback on his uncle is an understatement.

He kinda hates his father as well. If it hadn't been for his dad selling him to his grandmother to leave his dad and mom alone none of the abuse and attempted murder woulda taken place.

25. How do they handle being complimented?

Loke: He likes to follow up a compliment with another. If you compliment him he'll cheerily compliment you back.

Jelani: For someone who's always confident and sure of himself on the surface every time he gets complimented by someone he gets easily flustered and he immediately smiles and does this thing where he kinda bites one of the corners of his lower lip.

Angelus: Setting aside all the obvious things like being shy and insecure he kinda doesn't know how to react to compliments. His default is to lower his eyes and says a simple thanks but then he worries if he sounds like he wasn't enthusiastic enough or if he says more than thanks he worries it sounds disingenuous. Even in his better more confident days he'll still give a simple thanks but his tone will be louder and may add more to it.

32. If they could change one thing, what would it be?

Loke: Kind of a tie between not having asthma or hemophilia. Both are his biggest worries.

Jelani: Oh boy there is a ton he would change. But the one thing that he would change if he could would be to be a berserker like the rest of his family. Yes, even after finding out what he is. Hell, especially after what he is and how he was back then. He wants nothing to do with that part not with everything that went on, with those who betrayed him and those he hurt.

"He's a Maker. Why doesn't he just do it?"

Can't. Deities are deities whether they like it or not. They can live as anything else and mimic that species as best they can but they'll always be deities. The most they do is forfeit their duties and exile themselves or literally just walk away from it all and come back when they so choose. Those are his only two choices.

Angelus: What doesn't he wanna change? But for the sake of sticking to just one it would definitely be to have no mental illnesses whatsoever. He haaaaaaaaaaates the fact that he was the victim of years of every abuse you can think of and he's left scarred, knee deep in therapies and medications meanwhile his abusers are living good normal lives as if they didn't fuck up a child just because he's a Crossed Breed and not an Outsider.

36. Do they believe in destiny?

Loke: Tbh he kinda doesn't really care much about destiny or has even thought much about it. He just takes things as they come.

Jelani: No. Glossing over the irony of this answer he just doesn't believe destiny somehow controls your outcome. It's you who controls that.

Angelus: He's not a believer in it but he doesn't deny it either.

46. Are they a fast learner?

Loke: I think he's more average in terms of learning things he isn't too interested in or knows much about. He is definitely more practice than theory oriented tho.

Jelani: Yes. A very fast learner. Theory or practice it doesn't matter. He catches on fast and learns fast.

Angelus: Also kinda average but he needs both theory and practice and examples help a lot.

#reply #theonedayking #Oracle Corp #oc things #Loke tag #Jelani tag #Angelus tag

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whitewolfofwinterfell · 5 years ago

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Just ONE more...until I think of yet another question I'm dying to ask you a few minutes from now! What do you see as Buffy's greatest traits and worst flaws? Angel's greatest traits and worst flaws? In what ways (assuming they were human) do you see them as compatible? In what ways do think they're similar to each other, and what are their complementary differences? What jobs do you think they'd have as humans? What would they each be like as parents? What would they do in their spare time?!

Buffy’s greatest traits and worst flaws

Buffy is a very complex character with so many strengths, but equally, many flaws. Without a doubt her greatest strengths are her resillience and inner-strength. No matter what life throws at her she seems to have an incredible ability to keep moving forward. Even after Joyce’s death - which is undoubtedly one of the greatest tragedies anyone in this world will face - she’s able to compartmentalise in order to take responsbility of the household and step up to be a parental figure for Dawn when she’s still a child herself. Not to mention that she dies and is resurrected and somehow manages to find a way to keep going. What strikes me about Buffy is that even when she’s clearly struggling mentally and emotionally she never wallows in self pity. She accepts that the world is unfair and cruel and that everybody suffers in different ways and she does the best she can to carry on. Her other strengths include her leadership, confidence, determination and decisiveness. In every situation she finds herself in, Buffy is able to make tough decisions for herself and others. She never shies away from the responsibilities that go with being the Slayer, she owns it. She’s the one that everybody looks to when shit hits the fan and that’s a huge burden, but she never treats it as one despite feeling that way deep down inside. It takes so much courage to be able to make hard and fast decisions, particularly when those decisions impact the people around you, but Buffy does it all the time. Her morality is also a strength of Buffy’s. She has a strong sense of right and wrong, and although that view can sometimes be a little bit too black and white, she is never afraid to stand up and fight for what she believes is right no matter what it takes. Once again, that takes great courage. Speaking of courage, the courage and bravery Buffy has is staggering. Even when she’s afraid she doesn’t let it show, she always goes into a fight ready and raring to go. She’s also incredibly loyal and although she has a strong belief in justice, she has an ability to forgive others even when they sometimes aren’t necessarily deserving of her forgiveness.

As for her flaws, they’re very much the flip-side of her strengths. Her resillience and inner-strength can sometimes lead to her being emotionally unavailable and closed off. Her way of dealing with the responsibility of being the Slayer and the trauma, depression, grief and other powerfully negative emotions she faces is to isolate herself, shut away her feelings and focus on tasks. This means that she often doesn’t process or deal with her emotions in a healthy way resulting in her taking it out on others, or more commonly taking it out on herself (this is particularly the case in season 6). The way she would shut herself off emotionally also sometimes led to her not being perceptive of how others around her were feeling and being insenstive or dismissive of them. Simirlarly, her leadership and confidence means that she can be condescending and belittle the opinions and knowledge of others, believing that she’s superior. Sometimes her confidence can drift over to arrogance and she can’t always admit when she’s wrong or take the advice of others. Statements such as “There’s only me. I am the law” really show that. Furthermore, her decisiveness and leadership means that she sometimes makes decisions for others that aren’t hers to make or she doesn’t take the feelings of others into consideration as much as she should. Her courage and bravery can occassionally transform into recklessness and impulsivity whereby she throws herself into potentially harmful situations with little regard for her well-being.

Angel’s greatest traits and worst flaws

Angel’s greatest traits are definitley his compassion, dedication and selflessness. Angel will lay his life on the line to save the life of anybody, whether it’s his son or a stranger that he’s just met. He is fiercely dedicated to helping others and is genuinely able to empathise and sympathise with people in order to provide that help. Because of the uniqueness of Angel as a vampire with a soul he has an inherent ability to empathise with people (despite the fact that he believes he’s disconnected from them), because he’s lived for so long, has such a wealth of life experience, has experienced the darkest parts of humanity as a soulless demon and now feels the pure emotion that comes from having a soul. He’s able to see the good in everybody and to remain open-minded and non-judgemental in order to understand people’s lives, motivations and feelings. Despite how much good he does, he’s very humble and never seeks fame, glory or praise. There’s a lot to be said for the fact that every person Angel helps he does so because he wants to help. It’s that simple. He doesn’t do it because of some ulterior motive, it’s completely selfless. I mean, this is a man(pire) that was willing to die fighting an unwinnable battle. Angel is also a great leader, but in a very different way from Buffy. Angel isn’t a self-elected leader, he’s a natural leader that his friends look to because they trust his judgement and have faith in his decisions and ability to lead. Angel doesn’t assume responsibility because he believes he has the authority, power or skill to do so more than anybody else, he does it because that’s what his friends expect of him. As a result of this, he’s able to listen to the advice of his friends and even delegate responsibility, letting them to take the lead sometimes. This is all part of Angel’s kindness and ability to see the good in everyone. Angel has an ability to inspire and motivate those around him based purely on his actions and philosophy. He’s able to bring characters like Faith, Cordy, Wes, Gunn and Fred - all of whom felt disconnected, lonely, unappreciated and had very little self-belief when he first met them - and transform their perception of themselves. With Angel’s mission statement and leadership to provide them with direction and his care and support, they were all able to come into their own and hone their strengths, skills and abilities (which hadn’t been acknowledged previously) to make a difference in the world.

In regards to his flaws, I’d say that he can be very depressive and pessimistic, which is only to be expected from a vampire with a soul. Sometimes he can be prone to falling into a dark spiral and when he starts that descent there’s very little that can stop him. A lot like Buffy, this can sometimes be part of him hitting self-destruct. Angel carries a lot of guilt and self-loathing for his past actions, and in the moments that that catches up to him he struggles to put things into perspective and acknowledge the person he is now and all of the good he’s doing. He also has a tendency to fixate on certain things which causes him to lose sight of the bigger picture. This happens at various points with Buffy, Darla, Cordelia, Connor, Lindsey W&H and Spike. A lot of the time I think this stems from his persistent fear that threats to those he loves are lurking just around the corner and doom is imminent (which, to be fair to him, it’s usually true haha). Angel also lacks confidence in his own abilities and is too humble. Being humble can never really be a negative thing, but I think that in the context of Angel’s character he’s too hard on himself and doesn’t give himself as much credit as he should for all the good he does. He often diminishes the huge importance he plays in fighting the good fight and the impact he has on people’s lives. Similarly, But Angel’s most obvious flaw (if we can even refer to it as such) is Angelus. Soulless vampires are evil, plain and simple, but Angelus takes this to the extreme. He’s a callous, vindictive, cruel, merciless monster that takes pleasure in inflicting pain on others and exploiting their weaknesses. Although Angelus is an entirely different character, it has an impact on how Angel acts. He constantly lives in fear of Angelus returning and with the guilt of Angelus’ actions. This results in him having a huge amount of self-hatred which festers inside him no matter how much time passes and which he can never get past or forgive himself for. However, Angel’s understanding and acceptance of this part of himself actually makes this somewhat of a strength of his. He hates that side of himself and repeatedly tells his friends that if he’s ever to lose his soul again they should kill him immediately.

In what ways (assuming they were human) do you see Bangel as compatible?

This is a very tricky question to answer, because I genuinely struggle to imagine Buffy and Angel as humans. The supernatural is such a huge part of their lives and such a definitive aspect of their relationship that if you take that away they become entirely different people and their relationship transforms as a result. Ultimately, what brings them together is their shared sense of isolation which comes from them being the only one of their kind - Buffy being the Slayer and Angel being a Vampire with a Soul. In addition, their fight against supernatural bads and desire to help others is a mission they share which unites them. There’s not very much that Buffy and Angel bond over outside of this, no shared interests, hobbies or commonalities that could be considered “human” that I can think of. So, I apologise, but I actually don’t know how to answer this question!

In what ways do think Bangel are similar to each other, and what are their complementary differences?

They’re both leaders who take immense responsibility onto their shoulders and have an ability to bring people together, to motivate and inspire them. Emotionally, they share similiar feelings of loneliness and depression that come from the traumas they face, the pressure of being a leader and feeling disconnected from the world they fight to protect. They’re resillient and have an astounding amount of strength which enables them to go on even after the worst has happened - Buffy has to endure killing Angel, losing her mother, dying and being resurrected; Angel has to endure dying, going to a hell dimension and being resurrected, losing Buffy, watching the mother of his child die in front of his eyes, having his son kidnapped by his own best friend, losing his son to evil, the woman he loves being possessed and impregnanted by an evil entity, losing his son forever as he wipes his memory, losing Cordy and Fred. I could continue, but you get the point. Buffy and Angel are able to keep moving forward when anyone else would simply lie down on the ground and give up. On a lighter note, they’re both goofy and have this adorkableness that seems to pop up during the most random times.

As for their differences, they have a lot but I wouldn’t necessarily consider them complimentary. I’d say that Buffy’s extroversion makes for a good contrast to Angel’s introversion. Angel keeps Buffy grounded and centered, whilst Buffy’s free-spirit captures Angel. Angel is also more able to remain open-minded to the possibility that demons have a capacity for goodness, whilst Buffy is usually much quicker to condemn demons without considering that they may not always be wholly evil. This means that Angel is able to encourage Buffy to reconsider her black and white view on the world and to give chances to those she may not have naturally, and on the flip side, Buffy’s outlook can remind Angel that not everybody always deserves a second chance or has a capacity to redeem themselves and set themselves on the right path.

Besides this, I can’t really think of any differences they have that are complimentary. The main differences I see between them come from the fact that Angel is so much older than Buffy and has completely different experiences as a vampire. Ths means that his motivations and priorities are quite different from Buffy’s, despite them being dedicated to a similar cause. Although Buffy accepts being the Slayer and fulfils her duties, she’s resistant to it on more than one occassion and when an oppourutnity arises to create more Slayers so that she’s not the only one she does so because she doesn’t want to carry that burden of being the Chosen One. In comparison, Angel is a self-elected hero. He’s not pre-ordained or chosen, he willingly dedicates himself to helping the helpless because he believes that’s his calling and he wants to repent for his previous sins. In an ideal world, Buffy doesn’t want to be the Slayer, she wants to be an ordinary girl, but Angel wouldn’t willingly choose to be human even if it was offered to him on a silver platter (which it is in ‘I Will Remember You’). Buffy, despite being the Slayer, is a human girl who longs for the things that most human girls do; to hang out with her friends, have fun, go shopping, spend time with family, graduate, get a car, go on holiday and do everything else that young people do. Angel naturally doesn’t care about any of that. He doesn’t think in terms of his future or building a life like Buffy does, he lives for the here and now and works off the idea that he will do everything he can today to make his life count for something.

What jobs do you think Bangel would have as humans?

I think Angel would be a Private Investigator. I know this is a bit of a cop out, because he was a PI on AtS, but it’s exactly the sort of job that suits him. He needs something where he can actively be out in the world making a difference to people’s lives but where he has freedom to make his own decisions and take on his own cases. He also needs to have action in his life and to have independence. Although he works well with his friends on AtS, he isn’t the sort of guy that necessarily works well in a team, particularly if he’s forced to work with people that he doesn’t know very well.

Buffy would be in fashion. I don’t just say this because she has great fashion sense, but because she’s able to see the essence of people and I feel she would know exactly how to use fashion and image to project that to the outside world. I also think that a creative and vocational career where Buffy can use her hands and put her ideas into practice would suit her personality down to a T.

What would Bangel each be like as parents? What would they do in their spare time?!

Well, we saw Angel as a father and Buffy as a kind-of-mother to Dawn, but I suppose as a co-parenting team I’d imagine them to be fun-loving but over-protective parents. They would definitley teach their kids self-defence; Angel would encourage them to read books and go to the ballet and theatre and musuems to ensure they’re attuned to the world around them and culturally aware; Buffy would be the discplinarian because lets face it Angel is just a softie; they’d attend ice hockey games every weekend where Angel would embarass the kids by yellling out all the time; Angel would tell the worst dad jokes in the world; Buffy would always try to make things fun and take any oppourtunity she could to have a family barbeque, parties or celebration; they’d sit down to eat dinner together every evening and Angel would cook (because Buffy��s cooking skills only extend to cheese toasties); Buffy would be the cool hip parent that every parent at the school playground would admire and envy; Angel would take on the domestic duties like cleaning, washing clothes and cooking but the kids would have a strict chore schedule that they’d get pocket money for; Buffy would be incredibly affectionate always smothering the kids with hugs and kisses and beaming about how proud she is of them.

#answered #meant-to-be-waiting-for-me #buffy the vampire slayer #angel the series #buffy summers #angel #bangel

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myfandomrambles · 6 years ago

Text

Marcia Overstrand Character Analysis

Facts:

Born as a powerful wizard but with no guaranteed access to the best education, but trained hard to get it.

Apprenticed by Alther Mella after Silas Heap quit. Becoming the Castle's ExtraOrdinary Wizard(highest rank) at a relatively young age having not technically being given the ceremony.

Witnessed the death Alther Mella & the Queen

Had to create a plan to protect the infant princess Jenna directly after the death of the people she closest to. Is forced to trust the Heaps who she does not get along with. Spends much of Jenna’s life continuing to protect her indirect for the first decade and hands-on in adolescents.

Spent a decade trying to protect the Castle while her Castle was torn away by the Custodians and DomDaniel. Often serving as not only the leader of the Wizards but acts as the leader of the political running of the Castle as well.

Saved Boy 412/Septimus from freezing to death with no reason to at that point. Offered Septimus an apprenticeship before knowing he’s a 7th son or 7th son

Spent a lot of time trying to protect her home even when separated

Has eccentric style choices, something people built into a mystique around he

A strict but fair leader of her people

imprisoned in the pit, chased, hunted and suffered multiple assassination attempts including ones that have extreme explicit mental effects

After giving Septimus the title ends up helping with Ancient Ways portals learning about and protecting them.

Maries late in life to Milo Banda (Jenna’s biological father)

Analysis:

Marcia Overstrand is a strong character who excels at leadership and perseverance. Living through a lot of disarray in the Castle she often had to take on the role of protecting the order and balance of the Castle, and not even just her domain of the Wizard Tower. Jenna becomes the only member of the royal caste in the Castle, and at the start, she is only 10 to 11 years old. Jenna's adoptive parents have no care for running the Castle, and her biological father is not in the line of female succession and he chooses to not be involved for most of the time. Leaving Marcia as the only person in a good position to actually protect and plan for the Castle. This lasts until Jenna is truly the Crown Princess and more fully when she is made Queen at the end of the original series and in the TodHunter series. Marcia is then able to leave the Castle to Jenna and later the Wizard Tower to Septimus. During the time she is doing both jobs, she has many disagreements with Jenna's parents, the Manuscriptorium and later the alchemist/physicians based on her way of running things and ego.

Marcia being in this role of power and duty create a pretty high level of isolation form most people. As being the highest wizard in being the ExtraOrdinary Wizard is a highly respected position. Marcia becomes pretty used to others listening to her and many showing deferences. While being used to this treatment and expecting everything from her enchanted household objects to the normal Castle residents to recognize her authority. Though she explicitly did not understand how well she could do “scary”, and how much that played into the way others view her. Adding to a disconnection she has with the wider population. She did genuinely deserve a lot of this respect for protecting the Castle and being extremely skilled at her craft and leadership, even if there are some unintentional aspects.

However, this disconnection does have downsides. In the earlier stories, it really seems the only person she had to be close was the host of her Mentor and father figure who died before her eyes. She struggles to connect with people from being so separated by circumstance. The only people who don't treat her with respect (not including Darke enemies) were some of the chief scribes, Silas Heap, and the Alchemist Marcellus Pye. The other members in the historically high prestige positions within the Castle tend to not want to pay deference or obey to a person they are hypothetically equal to in power. Silas and Marcia squabble pretty regularly due to Silas had been the extraordinary apprentice before Marcia and being the father of Jenna and Septimus but Marcia being closer to his son then he is and her being more capable of protecting his only daughter.

Most of the time Marcia acts in a very business-like manner, trying to be as practical, efficient and effective in times of peace and crisis. She, however, is strongly driven by emotion, being willing to use more Darke Magyk when protecting those she loves. Her Magyk even being more powerful during times of stress. Pride, love, compassion, loyalty and duty drive her more than anything practical even if her way of handling things is procedural and makes other emotion-driven characters deeply angry at her.

Marcia is also susceptible to ego trips and any threats towards the people she cares for. Shutting down her emotional expression through her personality and many years of isolation mean her shows of emotion can feel disconnected as it might be done through trying to find ways to fix things without involving those she is trying to help or might show through other actions like remembering things people enjoy or need.

Marcia’s strong sense of loyalty and protectives pushes her to more than once go against the traditions of the Wizard Tower and Castle she usually respected. She never really had time for pomp and circumstance but was steadfast in the traditions when it came to Magyk as a respected ideal in and of itself and by dedication to such practice and respect and fondness of the Wizard Tower she did tend to follow tradition. However, Marcia more than once does buck tradition in order to protect Septimus and the wider Castel. An example is she tries to help Septimus escape the Queste, and ends up invoking some spells with a touch of Darke in order to fight during extreme circumstances challenging her loved ones, something she had the traditional light Wizards fear, though not the extent of the Ordinary Wizards as being ExtraOrdinary demands some understanding of Darke, as the builder of the Wizard Tower Ho-Tep Ra and ancient forms of Magyk invoke all kinds of Magyk. Her pride can cause issues not always allowing others to help and being self-aggrandizing. Her clip way of speaking and not taking others feelings into account can make her ability to form friendships really poor. A constant drive to improve and control the situation can cause issues as well blinding her to things around her and different points through the story, learning to trust others skill being a huge step for her.

Over time she does learn to let down her walls of pride and stubbornness and shows pretty amazing shows of forgiveness, wider compassion and humility. Starting with helping with the Young Army reentry plans letting some of them work in the Wizard Tower. Later she learns to work with an Alchemist's who she has a deep mistrust of and blames for almost losing Septimus and Jenna, hurting other innocent people in the process. A pretty strong example of forgiveness can be seen in the group forgiving Simon. Marcia even seeks the help from Simon Heap who had attempted to kill her while under DomDaniel’s Darke influence. She forgives his missteps and seeks his knowledge where she lacks it.

Marcia’s most important background relationship in the story is Alther Mella the previous extraordinary wizard. He clearly is like a father to her and a clearly important mentor before and after death. They do fight about best practice but she has clear emotion and respect for his opinions. This parental relationship she has is a huge factor in her fights with Silas, way more than disagreements in best practice or resentment of the other's station. They both want to essentially be Alther’s favourite child. Alther however even recognizes this saying he cares for them both. Being a grandfather/uncle to the Heap kids, and a secondary mentor and teacher for Septimus. Alther plays a key role emotionally and practically throughout the story even though he has died. Marcia’s relationship with Septimus is one of the centrepieces of the original 7 books, and important background in the subsequent sequel series. She cares so much for Septimus and is the first person to see his intelligence and value. Marcia saves him from dying of frostbite literally breathing life back into him. She quickly considers him hers to protect along with princess Jenna and Nicko. There is no practical reason to take care of him, he has no known value or skill here. In reality, he is a liability, in the beginning, he’s in a state of shock made worse by his C-PTSD and training. But she can see his innate connection to Magyk, this belief being strengthened seeing him with charms and the dragon ring. Septimus inner strength and compassion being visible to her as it only starts to come through. Giving him an offer to be her apprentice before he believes he is good enough or even a powerful wizard. His status as the 7th son of a 7th son only being the icing on the cake and not a way of manipulating his skills.

This is pretty significant for both of them, Marcia, as I said before, was very powerful and independent, Septimus has no outward signs of being special and it’s only an intuition he has high levels of power. This goes against Marcia’s tendency to believe her own specialness, like calling herself a dragon keeper, and was a member of the royal court before this. He ends up being everything she thought he could be and his gifts from birth. Their relationship is also extremely special in her being his mother in most ways. The first decade of his life he had not parents or people supporting him. Once accepted into the Heaps and Castle he spends way more time with Marcia than either of his newly discovered blood parents. He is quickly close to his brother Nicko and adopted sister Jenna but not his parents. Marcia knows more about him, seeing his power, remembering his stories about ready packs, learns his favourite foods and gives him his education. She, of course, makes mistakes but is much quicker to learn to trust him letting him fix the sicknesse not thinking it’s a childish lark like Sarah does. Sarah and Silas both complain about him not spending time with them but does almost nothing to really change that while Marcia is more curious and correct during these times, and is genuinely hurt and confused learning he lied about Marcellus pie. She is more likely to give into Septimus’s wants more than anyone else. Including allowing a Dragon to live in her yard for a long time, letting Physik and Alchemie to be practised when she hates them because he needs, and being amicable with Marcellus through disagreements and some other things that go against her general pattern of behaviour. She even once refers to him as her son during a battle by accident. They are genuinely close being major sources of character improvement and source of compassion for each other.

Jenna Heap is technically her stepchild by the TodHunter series, however, Jenna considers Sarah and Silas her parents, not ever really coming to think of her birth father Milo Banda as a “dad”. Though Marcia would likely be more of a parent then him having been involved in her entire adolescence, major moments in her life, and having been protecting her since birth. Marcia and Jenna fight each other many times and spend time living together during times when they are on the run. When things go wrong they often need each other in order to defeat whatever the problem is, including having to periodically save or find the other. Marica being a mother figure for Septimus also Marcia a part of more casual things in life. She is also the only one besides Alther and Aunt Zelda who has any knowledge of what Jenna has to be to be Queen. Aunt Zelda’s knowledge is also limited to the Dragon Boat where Marcia even gives her the Crown and is crucial to running the Castle when Jenna is still too young. They do but heads time to time both being incredibly stubborn and prideful. Marcia sees her as a child and a future queen meaning there is some dissonance in how they ought to interact. They do learn to trust and respect one another as Jenna grows older. As they become more equal in power, and when Marcia is no longer in positions of power after Septimus becomes The ExtraOrdinary.

Marcia is fantastically perseverant, one of her most impressive attributes. She survives the dual murder of her father figure and the respected queen. Loses her friends and her way of life crashes around her. She is able to protect and hide Jenna for a decade and try and sustain goodness during the occupation. Torture in The Pit, a soul-sucking Darkenesse, is followed by a Thing a shadow creature who causes depression and fear playing on her natural fears. She goes through many times of having to fight tooth and nail to protect her home, title, and loved ones almost losing all of them multiple times.

Marcia really falls under the “just because you're paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not after you.’ her distrusting nature, control, pride and brash movements are often necessary when her home is truly constantly under siege from within and out. Other displays of strength can be seen in always fighting back even after events that could be seen as a defeat like when the Darke overtakes the Castle. Marcia and Septimus also show a very strong ability to use Darke Magyk without being consumed by it, something that shows a deeply strong state of soul and morality. Marcia also takes on roles of understanding and protecting the portal network continuing to act as protector of what she loves even after giving the ExtraOrdinary title to Septimus.

Marcia is a deeply interesting character in her unique fashion of purple python shoes and striking cloak, mind-blowing self-confidence and a hidden layer of being a softy. She has flaws in her hubris and control. But even stronger skills in her talent, education and determination. A female lead written likes this is extremely rare. A female character who is allowed to be hard and soft, have amazing triumphs but make real mistakes, whose femininity is never derided nor masculine traits praised as such. Marcia doesn’t even have a romantic subplot as a part of her arch for 7 stories not being something she never even considers over her “career”. That is also something important, she does end up not having a traditional family as a goal and is not criticized for it, is seen as a perfectly understandable choice just because and as part of Marcia genuinely not having time for that. However, she is actually given a found family storyline before romance as well, her relationships with Alther, Septimus, Jenna, Beetle and the other Heaps being powerful and important. She doesn't need romance or biological children to open up and have a family. Her family comes in the form of a bunch of kids she protects and cares for. Along with her ghost mentor and all the people who help protect her home.

I truly love Marcia. For being an interesting character in and of herself, but also for being a departure from many stereotypes and a character who feels very real. An undeniable icon in everything she does. Marcia is a flawed, skilled, gifted, loyal, compassionate hardworking, ever developing, and quite an aspirational character. She should really be on lists for best-found family, best powerful females and best magic women in any listicle.

ND Headcanon:

Anxiety:

Catastrophizing

Exists often at a 7 level stress easily reaching a 10

Experience of being constantly on edge

Irritability

Masking stress

Obsessive actions

Often read as even colder than she intends to worsen by her trying to manage her stress

Panic/Anxiety Attack. Seen after learning Septimus hid Marcellus from her.

Perfectionism

Rumination

Stress over any loss of control (real and perceived)

Trust issues

Requested by: gamerkitty6274 on AO3

[Also posted on AO3 under cronaisawriter]

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wee-chlo · 6 years ago

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Feelings About the Hargreeves( Major Spoilers)

I have feelings, here they are.

Luther (Number One): I know a lot of people dislike Luther and while he’s hardly my favorite, I do feel genuinely bad for him. I feel like he emphasized the fact that he was sent to the moon and tried to be the leader despite his obvious lack of maturity because he kinda knew he just... wasn’t leadership material, and maybe he had a suspicion that the moon thing wasn’t up to snuff either. He was desperate to matter, desperate for everything he allowed himself to go through to mean something, and ultimately... it didn’t. He wanted to be a son to Reginald rather than just Number One and he couldn’t be because Reginald wasn’t capable of having that kind of relationship, for whatever reason. So he tried to be Number One because that’s what Reginald valued. The biggest reason for his failure in the latter portion of the season is, I think, an inability to truly make a decision. With Vanya, he wavered. Instead of really settling on one decision or another (offering her understanding, forgiveness, and support vs killing her outright), he opted for a short term option that I think saved his pride and conscience at the expense of everyone around him. He didn’t want to kill Vanya (understandable) but he was also angry and scared and unsure of whether or not he could trust her (also understandable). Luther needs to learn how to make firm decisions based on his own moral compass, rather than hesitating or opting for his father’s twisted version of right and wrong. I genuinely think he could be a good leader of he manages this.

Diego (Number Two): Diego is just... really interesting to me. In all honesty, I have an instinctive love of characters who fall into the demographics I’m a part of so that might be a bit of it but it’s also really interesting how Diego was the most vocal and caustic about his loathing for Reginald while also still doing what Reginald had them doing, but wholeheartedly and with a genuine desire to be a force for good. While Luther tries to be a hero for his father’s approval, Diego does it because it’s the right thing to do. He’s still bitter and angry and prone to that sort of chaotic fervor that puts him on the wrong side of the law, but he wants to be a hero as much as Luther does, just for different reasons. If Luther doesn’t step up to be the leader, I think Diego is the next best choice and if Luther does manage to take charge in a real and genuine way, Diego would be the perfect second-in-command/Lancer. He feels so passionately but he’s got a very Chaotic Good nature to him. When I think of him, I think of the line from Red Dead Redemption where John Marston is told he’s a romantic pretending to be a cynic. Diego is bruised by what he suffered as a child, he’s violent and doesn’t play by the rules and is perhaps the most likely to go to extremes, but when he comes down to it, he still believes in superheroes. He still admires people who look into the darkness of the world and see the light. And I think that’s because deep down, he’s the same way.

Allison (Number Three): I had to watch a couple times for Allison to really sink in for me (honestly she and Luther were the least interesting for me the first time around but given how much of their arcs were wrapped around their romance subplot...) but I think it’s interesting how the two female members of the group are the ones who were probably the most harmed by Reginald’s refusal to really impress on them any moral code when it comes to the use of their powers. All of the group is emotionally stunted and hindered by their upbringing, but Allison’s is one of the more subtle ones, at least at first. Initially, she seems like the most accomplished and well put together, until you realize that she’s fallen back on her power her whole life. She’s used it for fame, for fortune, for love. It’s the easy way out and it wasn’t until she was forced to see the impact it had on the people that she loved that she really realized what it meant to abuse it. Unfortunately, this means that virtually everything about her life is thrown into question. I think someone (Vanya?) suggests she used her powers on Reginald. She used her powers on her child. She used her powers to get someone to fall in love with her, and I think it’s notable that it’s left ambiguous who it was. Was it her husband? Or Luther?

Klaus (Number Four): Klaus, my love, my favorite. I’m pretty shameless when it comes to adoring characters like Klaus. Klaus starts off directionless and rather impossible to rely on (being related to several addicts/alcoholics, this isn’t surprising to me). But then comes his time with Dave in Vietnam. I think despite how painful it was, the whole debacle brought the best of him to the surface, because after that, he’s so. Kind. Before that there’s a bit of an edge to him. He’s wild and chaotic and friendly, sure, but there’s an undercurrent that he’ll be gone the second he feels like leaving, or when he needs his next fix. Probably because he knows that it won’t matter when or if he leaves because his family won’t notice or care. He’s always emotional, his voice always has a very sing-song quality, but after Vietnam he’s always the first to reach out to comfort or reassure. He looks heartbroken when Luther breaks down and comforts him despite having been assaulted by him moments before, and he’s the only one to comfort Luther when they find Allison. He instinctively tries to catch Diego when Diego collapses at the sight of a needle, desperately tries to put Vanya’s fear into perspective and seems less than thrilled when the time comes to attack her, constantly tries to get everyone on the same page even when Ben warns him it won’t go well. After Vietnam, it seems like he tries to do for others what he wants others to do for him, and I desperately hope that support is given to him in season two.

Number Five: What a prickly pear. Initially, Five was a complicated one for me, almost as complicated as Luther. I found him more interesting than Luther but his constant dismissal of his family, while understandable, still bothered me. I felt for him though, and his actor did an amazing job. A man out of time, initially only learning about his family’s eventual fates through a book and whose memories are of children, shoved back into their lives and seeing how dysfunctional and broken they are. Combined with the knowledge that they tried to stop the apocalypse and failed, it must have been bitterly disappointing. I have to wonder if maybe his first thought hadn’t been “I’ll go back and help them fight and we’ll win”, and then he gets back and finds them the way they are and his immediately kneejerk reaction was “nevermind”. But the sad thing is that he’s not only equally incapable of functioning well enough to stop the apocalypse alone (as Klaus so astutely points out, he’s addicted to mission in a very real and self-defeating way), he also... basically causes it with the time snap that occurs in The Day That Wasn’t. Obviously he loves his family and I get the impression that he WANTS to be able to work with them, he WANTS them to be a team, but just... isn’t really capable of interacting with people anymore, for a variety of reasons. He gets better, obviously, but more than just being a 58 year old in a 13 year old body with siblings who are much younger than him, he’s also equally damaged while also being... incapable or unwilling to admit it.

Ben (Number Six): I really liked Ben but honestly expected more screen time, given how much tumblr loves him. The flashback at the bank broke my heart and the fact that he was the glue that held everyone together was both clear and understandable. I want to learn more about him because right now, I don’t have a ton of thoughts about him aside from the fact that I love his relationship with Klaus. It’s both a relief that Klaus has SOMEONE while also pretty realistic in terms of the fact that there are moments where Ben has obviously had it. Having a family member who’s an addict is incredibly difficult; I’ve seen the effect it has on my mother, who currently has to keep her eye on my uncle, who’s been on and off the wagon frequently for a very long time. There’s only so much gentleness you can manage before things get stern and unrelenting. And sometimes, being something firm and solid is necessary.

Vanya (Number Seven): Can I get an OOF? My feelings on Vanya are very mixed; predominantly sympathetic, but mixed. Obviously a huge amount of responsibility for the whole situation sits with Reginald and Harold. Reginald, much like with Allison, failed to do anything to instill any kind of responsibility or empathy when it comes to Vanya’s powers, and failed to impress upon her any real respect for human life early on (which makes me wonder how she went from thoughtlessly murdering babysitters to crying whenever her siblings stepped on ants). When he was unable to control her, he obliterated her self-esteem, drugged her, and brainwashed her into submission. Then Harold came along and abused her and manipulated her even more, making her think someone considered her special because of who she was and then turning around and ripping it away. Her snapping was understandable, her anger was justified. But her reaction to her siblings? Eh. She was well aware of how damaged they all were because of Reginald; she wrote a book about it after all. And honestly, the bit where she was walking through and remembering being ‘rejected’ by her siblings... Let me tell you, as an older sister, none of that came across as particularly abusive or rude. Sibling just walks into your room, especially if you’re both like... twelve? You’re gonna tell them to get out. My cousins and I grew up together and were CONSTANTLY giving each other a hard time. And the boys telling her you need a power to go on a mission? Completely valid. They go on missions with armed adults trying to kill them; given that they all thought Vanya was a normal person, her coming along would be both a distraction AND put Vanya in serious danger.

Ultimately, I think Vanya’s breakdown was a mix of absolutely valid anger at genuine abuse and a very childish hurt that was thrown into a different light based on everything else, as well as never really being shown how to regulate her emotions. I hope she gets help and support, because I think she could be great. But the family’s ability to provide that... I don’t know.

#the umbrella academy #tua #luther hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #ben hargreeves #diego hargreeves #allison hargreeves #number five

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tifarobles · 6 years ago

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The Ups & Downs of Our Parenting Style

I have a lot of people interested in how parenting has changed my life in a variety of ways. Before I can have a meaningful conversation about parenting, it’s important to know the choice of parenting style I have aligned myself with. I chose Attachment Parenting.

Before I jump into what it is and why I’ve chosen this style, it’s important to me that everyone understands that I support parents choosing different styles than I have. Parenting is exhausting work and you have to do what works for you. This is just what has worked best for us.

I strongly believe that each mother and family should choose a parenting style, or a mix of styles, that fits their needs.

What is Attachment Parenting?

The philosophy behind attachment parenting is that the parent-infant relationship should be one of comfort, empathy, and emotional responsiveness. This includes rearing your child with as much physical closeness as they want. The belief is that this relationship will provide the most nurturing environment and a strong sense of safety to the child and their feelings toward their parents, creating deep lifelong bonds. The hope is that this will help to raise children to be more attuned to their emotions and empathetic toward others.

The ideas behind Attachment Parenting have been in Western culture since after World War II. However, when looking at the history of child-rearing during evolutional times and in parts of the third world today, this parenting style is the norm.

Why I chose this?

To be honest, I didn’t even know what Attachment Parenting was until Xander was at least 6 months old. I had been following his cues to guide my decisions, and Mike and I made parenting decisions as they seemed to be the best choice for our family. Many of these decisions were not planned, and in fact different from our expectations - examples include co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding (nursing longer than 1 year of age).

At a certain point, multiple friends of mine told me that I should join an Attachment Parenting group and my entire life changed. I suddenly felt supported and reinforced in my belief that following my instincts was right. It was as though a lightbulb turned on, letting us know that we were, in fact, making good choices for Xander.

This style appealed to me for a number of reasons.

1) I view empathy as the most important human trait. I believe the best way to teach empathy to Xander is to teach by example, talking to him about his emotions and ensuring that his needs will be met if he communicates what he is feeling.

2) As someone who studied Biological Anthropology in college, this philosophy appealed to me due to its ties with how humans evolved.

3) As a feminist, I feel like it is my choice to parent my son the way that I want. Even if others think its weird that I breastfeed a two-year-old or that Mike and Xander sleep together more than Mike and I do right now, it is our personal choice. What matters is that we feel like we are making the best loving home for our toddler.

4) My son will only love me the way he does right now for a short time. Why rush these sweet baby and toddler days when I’m his entire world. In the future, I’ll look back at these times and miss it. I want to enjoy every minute of this love while I can.

What does it entail?

From a day to day practical standpoint, you might be asking what is different for us based on this choice. The basic traits of Attachment Parenting are the following:

- Listening to your baby: If your baby cries, it’s because they need something. An attachment parent tries to solve whatever is making their baby cry, even if that need is the mere comfort of closeness. A large part of this is listening to my own instincts and letting my gut emotions decide how to take care of Xander (more when he was an infant than now). Now that he can communicate, it’s more about trying to get him to convey what he needs or wants in a respectful way.

- Birth bonding: This ties into my decisions to try to have a natural birth. The idea is that if you have your baby in a natural setting, with delayed cord clamping and immediate skin-to-skin contact, that your baby will instantly know you are their home.

- Breastfeeding and child-led weaning: Medically, it’s advised that (if possible) babies breastfeed for their first year. Any nursing beyond one year is considered extended breastfeeding. In Attachment Parenting, it’s encouraged to let your child decide when they are done breastfeeding. In cultures where child-led breastfeeding is the norm, children generally stop between 3 and 4 years of age.

- Babywearing: This includes slings, carriers, wraps, and other ways to have your infant pressed against you. The idea is that constant physical closeness helps with bonding, calming babies to sleep, and allowing the mother to get things done while still comforting her child.

- Co-sleeping: This simply means that the baby/child sleeps in the same bed as the parent(s). The advantages are largely related to breastfeeding ease and getting more sleep for all from a lack of waking for night feedings. Additional factors include further comfort associated with being close and the baby knowing that their parent is there for them all night.

- No sleep training: Related to co-sleeping, no sleep training means that you do not enforce the “cry it out” philosophy or other regimens to encourage your child to self-sooth themselves to sleep. For those who do sleep train, I respect your strength. I can’t imagine listening to Xander cry for his own good. I just don’t have it in me. I personally feel like this can be traumatic for a child and hurt the relationship of trust between a child and parent.

- Balance: This aspect is harder to define, but the core belief is that balance is important. That’s something I think everyone can agree on. This can mean different things to different families. For us, this has meant that Mike takes on the brunt of many parenting chores that are traditionally taken on by mothers. Mike is an incredible father who has changed most of Xander’s diapers. Mike was also the stay-at-home parent from months 5 through 14, which allowed the two of them to share a unique, special bond. We both provide him comfort when he is injured, sick, or sad, which is useful for when one of us is busy, tired, or emotionally drained.

Criticism:

Feminist criticism: While I feel that my choice is feminist, others argue that Attachment Parenting discourages mothers from leading their own life and following career ambitions. The idea is that mothers who do not follow this philosophy are made to feel guilty for not providing for their child’s every need. Like in any cultural belief structure, there are extremists. Some Attachment Parenting individuals believe that a mother returning to work is devastating on a baby. Others believe that you can find a balance to have both a fulfilling career and meet your child’s every need.

Safety concerns: There is a lot of controversy over the safety of co-sleeping. Some say the risk of infant death is higher and other studies prove the opposite, with a lower rate of SIDs. I think what is important is that there are safe ways to co-sleep, you just have to take the appropriate precautions.

Societal misunderstandings: Attachment Parenting is widely misunderstood. It doesn’t mean that mothers lives are solely defined by their baby. Also, a child who is raised this way isn’t incapable of any self-soothing or independence. They simply have a relationship with their parents that is based on trust and compassion. You can easily find ways to encourage independence as an Attachment Parent.

Challenges:

First of all, nursing is some of the hardest work I’ve ever done. I support any mother's decision not to breastfeed, especially due to emotional or physical challenges brought on by nursing. It is also very rewarding and many of my favorite memories of Xander as a little baby include those nursing cuddles. However, I have consistently been ahead of Xander in being ready to wean. I never expected to nurse a two-year-old. I don’t want to force him to stop, but I also don’t want this to go on forever. Practically, I know he will stop eventually, but encouraging this has been very difficult.

Babywearing wasn’t something that worked very well for us for very long. Xander preferred to explore and when he did want closeness, he usually wanted me and nursing. Nursing with my carrier didn’t work well and more challenging was my neck, shoulder, back, and hip alignment issues. Living in chronic pain, I was unable to wear Xander for extended periods of time and eventually, he weighed too much for me to carry him this way at all. By the time he could walk, he wanted nothing to do with it anymore anyway.

From the time Xander was roughly 2 months until he was roughly 6 months old, we LOVED co-sleeping with all three of us in bed for most of the night. Once I started working, we had to limit the night feedings or I would be over exhausted at work. However, we would spend half of the night all sleeping together, and then Mike and Xander would move into the guest room after the 3am feeding for all of us to get more sleep the rest of the night. Eventually, I think around his 1st birthday, Mike and Xander started to sleep in a different bed to eliminate night feedings completely. This came with some shifts in family dynamics, but I think we handled them well.

At this point, the arrangement is perfect for my work schedule. I say goodnight to Xander and Mike at bedtime and go downstairs to work for the night. Not sharing a bed changed some dynamics in our marriage, but overall it just shifted when we have “us” time. I also believe we better appreciate time just the two of us as well. We adapted quickly and keep an open line of communication with each other to ensure our relationship needs are being met. Overall, one of my biggest concerns is that people will make assumptions about our marriage when they learn about our sleeping arrangement. I want people to understand that this is not a permanent situation. We have a small window in which Xander will want to share our bed. I want us to enjoy that while we can.

Now that Xander is a toddler, we have run into occasional discipline issues. Sometimes talking doesn’t work, such as when he isn’t listening at all. We have to find the right balance of compassion and being stern, and right now it sometimes feels like a constant struggle.

Sidenote on extended breastfeeding:

I have struggled a lot with the societal standards of only breastfeeding infants. I feel uncomfortable when Xander tries to nurse in public places or even at social gatherings. This uncomfortableness comes from a place that has more to do with my insecurities and desire to be accepted than it does with what I feel is right for my child or anything to do with modesty. I have done extensive research on this topic and learned some things that have helped shape my beliefs about this situation.

I fully believe that breastfeeding got even more challenging once women started being a part of the traditionally male-dominated workforce. It is extremely hard to balance being a mother and working outside the home, and nursing is just another challenging aspect of this. I also feel like in order to leave this choice up to the mother for her child’s sake, we should have better maternity laws in place and that workplaces should have well thought out plans in place for new mothers to pump (after the first year too!), including adequate time to do so and a comfortable, private place.

I also believe that a large factor of the social stigma against breastfeeding, particularly uncovered feedings in public areas, is due to the over-sexualization of women in our society. The patriarchal structure we are built on implies that breasts belong to men, for men’s pleasure to gaze at, especially when they are exposed.

This is largely why I view Attachment Parenting as a feminist choice. I own my breasts and the reason I have them evolutionarily is to feed my child. If I want to nurse him until he is five, that should be my choice. There shouldn’t be anything inappropriate about a child nursing from their mother since that is why boobs exist in the first place.

#parenting #attachment parenting #feminism #breastfeeding #nursing #co-sleeping

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mikosaura · 6 years ago

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MIKO’S YEARLY TAROT CARD READING FOR 2019.

With 2019 knocking at the door, we are looking ahead at what the year will bring.

Each year we get a new tarot card that lets us know what will be in store for us. The card tells us what to look out for and what we will be working on. It helps guide us in the months ahead as we continue on our journey to our higher self.

You find your yearly tarot card by adding up the month and day you were born plus 2019. The number will need to be 10 or under.

For example, my birthday is March 16th so my number would be 3 + 16 + 2019 which equals 2,038. I would then add up 2 + 0 + 3 + 8 to get 13 and add up 1+3 to get 4..

Whatever number you get is your personal mentor card for the next 12 months. Here are the descriptions of the cards and what they have in store of you.

1 or 10, THE MAGICIAN OR WHEEL OF FORTUNE:

You are full of many gifts. You are a jack-of-all-trades. You are gaining more skills and becoming good at many things. You are especially growing your skillful communication. You feel passionate about many areas but are not sure what direction to go in. This will be a year of taking all your skills and strengths and figuring out what you want to do. Staying in one place while you dabble in a few areas will no longer work. You want to go deeper in something more fulfilling. Spend time thinking about what direction you want to go in this year, invest in higher education, put in hours with a project and do not be afraid to choose something. You will have luck on your side as you dive into something new. You just need to decide what way to turn the wheel. Making strong choices will be theme for you this year.

2, THE HIGH PRIESTESS:

This will be a spiritual year for you. You will have many visions and powerful dreams that will give you insights to your higher self. You will grow deeper in your spirituality and find a personal meditation practice. Stay open this year to signs from your unconscious self. They will appear in dreams, music, and words from wise teachers. You will feel connected to religious symbols and art. Fill your home with things that enhance your psychic energies, whether that be crystals, an altar or a meditation pillow. Have a space where you can enhance your vibrations. Tapping into the spiritual realm will be the theme for you this year.

3, THE EMPRESS:

The Empress is one half of the polarity which is the Emperor and Empress. She represents a fertile, nurturing and loving energy. She is all about creating safety and nourishment for herself and those around her. This will be a year of taking care of yourself and nurturing your body. It will also be a year of loving people in your life, especially children. You will spend time connecting to your maternal or paternal nature. You will love your inner child as well as the children your life. It might be hard to connect to this energy if this is not your normal state. You might need the support of good friends or even a counselor to work through some blocks in this area. But it will be so worth it to learn to nourish yourself in this way. Unconditional love will be theme for you this year.

4, THE EMPEROR:

The Emperor is the other half of the Empress. Together they balance one another. We need the self love of the Empress in order to succeed as the Emperor. He is all about tapping into your leadership abilities and learning your own power. But if you lead without loving yourself and those around you, your leadership will be forceful and uninspired. This year will be about learning how to lead and how to step into your personal power. You have so much strength inside of you and are ready to take on big responsibilities. You might be stepping into a new role at work, starting your own business, or galvanizing your community. However it looks, you will take charge this year. Learning how best to do this will be your goal. Gaining wisdom from other loving and powerful leaders of the world will be part of your journey. Soak in the skills of those who lead with compassion and intelligence. Loving leadership will be the theme for you this year.

5, THE HEIROPHANT:

You are ready for a teacher this year. You are ready to question institutions that you once followed unscrupulously. You are ready to expand your mind and let go of any restraining forces in your life. Whether you go back to school or find a spiritual mentor to help on your new path, a teacher will enter your life in some way. You feel you have reached as high as you can get on your own and you need a guide to help take you to the next level. However, there are a few things to look out for when a new teacher enters your life. A true Hierophant never sells themselves to you, the Universe will put them in your path naturally. Trust your own intuition, if you feel uneasy about following a guide listen to that feeling. This will be an inspiring year full of opportunities to learn. So open your mind to the possibilities and use your own wisdom to guide a mentor to your life. Curiosity and intellectual pursuits will be the themes of the year.

6, THE LOVERS:

There is an innocence and trust that comes with this card. This is our heart before we have ever been hurt. It is our heart before we became overly cautious with our love. Under the energy of this card, we give our love freely to others. We feel whole in ourselves and are not looking for another person to fill us up. This year will be about reclaiming your heart. You will start to trust the Universe again and love without fear. You will work on what you are afraid of and let go of the past. You will give yourself deep respect. You will not be focused on finding a partner or fulfillment through outside sources. Instead, you will give love without needing something in return. This type of vibration will draw healthy and emotionally available people into your life. The Lovers card shows energy flowing freely. We do not stop its flow with our personal blocks and anxieties. The theme of this year will be love, acceptance and trust.

7, THE CHARIOT:

This card represents a year where you will benefit from all your hard work and personal growth. You have been struggling and pushing through challenging times. But you are now in a period where you will feel rewarded for your efforts. As a product of overcoming your challenges victoriously, there will now be some big changes in your life. These changes will be very beneficial to you and will lead you to more success. You are peace but you still have some armor on. You are going to protect your energy in ways you did not before. Much like the energy of the Magician or the Wheel of Fortune, you now need to decide what direction to go in. You have have a new path before you and luck is on your side. You will need to take all you learned and find what way to go. The Chariot is also associated with travel, so you might take a big trip this year. This will be a trip that will take much planning and will be a life-affirming adventure. Allowing yourself to take risks will be the theme of the year.

8, ADJUSTMENT:

This will be a year of reflecting and adjusting our personal behaviors. We need to evaluate where in our life we have stagnant energy, where we are not growing, and where we are not healthy. Take time this year to look at your habits and routines. Are you doing things that are not in line with where you want to go? If your circumstances or behaviors are not what you want, you can make a change. You can create more harmony in your life. You have control of your actions and can be more intentional. You will feel empowered this year to make adjustments to your routines. You will invest more in your health, wealth, and peace. You will feel ownership over your actions instead of blaming others. The theme of the year will be personal accountability and intentionality. You will end 2019 with much more balance.

9, THE HERMIT:

This will be a year of creativity, wisdom, and experience. You will grow all of these areas by spending time with yourself. You might go on a meditation retreat to travel somewhere alone. You will take long walks and journal about your experiences. You will spend time getting to know yourself on a deeper level and grow your hidden talents. This will be a year of finding your personal center and becoming very strong inside. You will find yourself saying no to plans with friends or family. This is not a bad thing, as you will be focusing on your own energy. At the end of the year, you will know yourself in a more complex way. You will have grown your creativity. It will not be a lonely time, but instead a time of deep reflection. You will dive into yourself and find out more than you have ever know. The theme of the year will be centering and personal exploration.

#mikosaura → tarot

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spaceorphan18 · 6 years ago

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Finding Kurt Hummel: Bash

Masterpost

5x15: Bash

So - we’re here at our sorta Sondheim tribute episode. There isn’t much Sondheim in it - and it is, on a whole, probably the weakest episode in the New York Arc - but hey, there’s some good stuff in here, even if the episode feels a bit uneven.

No One is Alone

We open with a candlelight vigil for a guy who was assaulted because he was gay. The group comes in singing No One is Alone from Into the Woods - and it’s a song about no matter how much your life is screwed up - you aren’t standing alone in this world. A commentary to this group of kids coming from Ohio and struggling to make it together in this big bad world.

Vocally, this song is fantastic - it’s a capella and the balance of voices used between the four of them is done very well. If nothing else, it’s a solid song.

Also Kurt looks so solemn here - because his heart breaks for someone to have to go through things that he’s had to face himself. And he knows how hard and cruel the world can be. Kurt’s often inward when it comes to emotion - but that doesn’t mean compassion and understanding don’t come through. He feels things on a very deep level, and this hits hard due to his own attachment to the situation.

However - I do have a few issues with this scene. It’s the opening, and while lovely, it’s out of context and loses some of the emotional weight it might have had used if there was context around it. But also - this episode feels like there are two very different stories in it, and while I won’t begrudge Samcedes having a plot line - they should! This episode might have worked better having been split in two -- with Kurt’s gay bashing part of it given full attention because the whole plot line is held until the second half of the episode and therefore feels incredibly rushed.

Monday Night Dinner

This scene is so short! I love the idea of Monday Night Dinners - where they all get together and chill and enjoy each other. But this scene has so much exposition it has to get through it feels a little...clunky?

At the start of the scene - you can see Kurt lying on his bed, and Blaine is in there with him since they both come out together. If I had to venture a guess, even if Blaine’s ‘moved out’, I doubt he’s really that ‘moved out’.

Anyway - they explain that the dude in the beginning was gay bashed (and I’ll some more thoughts on him specifically towards the end). And Blaine explains that there are a ton of people in New York who don’t like the fact that the ‘gays’ are taking over and Artie throws out statistics about how it’s getting worse. While I think the conversation is good, I wish the writing had been a little stronger and not so heavy handed.

Meanwhile, Kurt’s not looking so thrilled at talking about people being gay bashed, so he changes the subject to the second point of exposition - it’s midterms week (so are we in March now? - whatever, ah man that messes with Tested being the Valentine’s episode...eh, not thinking hard about it), and they have their theme for their NYADA solos - Sondheim. Kurt’s only halfheartedly excited about it -- cause he’s upset about the dude being gay bashed? Something else? I have to wonder if there was more cut out of this episode - because I’m not entirely sure why Kurt is acting the way he is in this one.

And then, for the third point of exposition - we have Mercedes and Sam playing footsie, cause a majority of this episode is about them. And Kurt’s mildly - yeah, I don’t believe you when Mercedes tries to act like nothing’s going on.

Broadway Baby

Kurt’s sitting in the background while Rachel and Blaine sing Broadway Baby. There’s a bit of stuff you can pick apart for both Rachel and Blaine in this scene but... this meta isn’t really about them. Kurt doesn’t really get any reaction shots during the song, claps nicely at the end, and is the appropriate amount of stunned when Carmen yells at them for doing a duet instead of a solo. And...that’s about it. It’s kinda weird that they even had Kurt in the scene, tbh - is it because it’s a class? Or is Kurt just supporting Blaine? Idk, you pick.

(This episode, just, feels like there’s a lot of holes in it.)

Dinner Theater

Kurt and Rachel are meeting for dinner, I guess? I’m kind of sad they didn’t do more out and about scenes while the kids were in New York - but at least during this portion of season 5, they’re trying.

Anyway, news travels fast at NYADA - and Kurt’s learned that Rachel’s basically told of Carmen and quit school. Kurt thinks this is a bad idea - because you should have a foundation to grow from, and he thinks that burning her bridges is not the best thing to do. While I get Kurt’s sentiment, I side with Rachel in the first half of this argument. No matter how hard Glee tries to sell it (with actors who made it big not going to college, lol), being in the performing arts does not take a degree - and you can have a successful career by going alternative routes. (Hell - Sam is going to prove this right.) So as much as Kurt’s intentions are sincere and understandable from a kid who wants a solid foot to stand on in a rocky world, he’s not exactly right. However...

Rachel turns immature rather quickly - and her take down of Kurt is unwarranted and driven from the fact that she is insecure about her own stardom - especially in the wake of everything that happened earlier in the season with Santana. While she does make some interesting points about Kurt not going out there and taking risks -- she’s the one who really needs to grow up and not act like a child any time someone pushes against her.

Kurt all but tells her to ‘fuck off’ and would if this wasn’t a PG show. He’s had to deal with her shit in New York close hand for two years now, and really, the kid deserves better than her tantrums, but whatever.

You know, this scene brings some things to head about the overall arc that I’m interested in looking at.

Kurt, so far in the NYC Arc, hasn’t really been that happy. And it’s not Blaine. It’s not even Rachel. There’s something that feels deeper. (And no - I’m not going to assume it’s Chris and his feelings for the show.) Kurt’s having issues with himself and I find it unfortunate that it never really gets explored. I know that some of this leads to Old Dogs, New Tricks, and Season 6 (and my issues are that Kurt’s issues don’t satisfyingly resolve in season 6) but I wish that here the writers had developed more of an individual story for Kurt in this back half of season 5.

Kurt hasn’t had a whole lot to do in season 5 overall, and while Klaine is going to have some stuff, and ultimately be resolved by the end of the season Season 6, Kurt’s individual story hasn’t really gone anywhere since mid-season 4. And I find it a shame. There’s an interesting story here about a kid who’s struggling to go somewhere with his own career - and while they’ve lightly touched upon it with the whole band thing and will in ODNT slightly, there’s not a whole lot to go on.

It’s funny - Kurt’ll get more than most of the characters on Glee, but at this point, if you’re not Rachel Berry, you’re not going to get a fully fleshed out satisfying ending to your story. And I do think that’s one drawback to the second half of the series.

Bashed

So - next we get the actual violent scene (which is tame for even TV, but jarring when it’s a beloved character in a comedy). Kurt’s walking home, still feeling it from the fight with Rachel - and her words about not taking chances still ringing in his ears (though he’d have done this without that heaviness on him), and goes to help another gay man getting beat up.

So, hmm. First of all - even though one of the dudes yell that there are now two of them, they don’t really know Kurt’s gay - so Kurt’s not really the one being gay bashed here. Secondly, the show makes it a point to really show that the violent guys were drunk -- I think, because Kurt taking on sober dudes might have ended differently.

That brick, though, man.

A lot of this scene actually reminds me of the confrontation with Karofsky back in Never Been Kissed - though I think that scene was more emotionally resonant.

Look, here’s my thing. While I’m glad that the show (finally) chose to address this issue - I kind of wish that this scene had been earlier in the episode, that they might have dug a little deeper into homophobia aspect, and that the reactions were given more time to breath. This whole thing is a nice idea - and an interesting story for Kurt -- but the fact that it sorta takes a backseat to Samcedes (who deserved their own episode about racism) and Rachel’s drama kind of bugs me.

Oh, and then there’s the whole -- of course Kurt’s the one who gets beat up cause nothing nice can happen to him -- that fandom was on at the time. And, you know? Tbh, I think it works for Kurt’s story just fine. I just needed to be developed more.

After a really entertaining scene with Blam, we get the reaction shots to Kurt being in the hospital. And here I do wish there’d been a little more for Blaine. There’s an untold story here about Blaine being one of Kurt’s family - but, since this is before gay marriage, the fact that Blaine might not have been allowed to see Kurt because he wasn’t “family”. And Blaine’s so, so scared for Kurt -- there’s so much they could have explored here. Ah well....

I do find this moment, though, deeply beautiful. Blaine sings to Kurt Not While I’m Around -- Because Blaine, if he could, would do everything in his power to protect Kurt. Does Kurt need a protector? No - not in the way he seemed to way back in Never Been Kissed when they first met. (And this issue is going to be brought up next in Tested.) But there is something to be said, echoed in the opening song, that you don’t have to do all of this alone. Blaine is with Kurt through whatever life hands them - he’s there.

It’s just going to take Kurt a little longer to accept that he doesn’t have to do it alone and not feel stifled by others’ help.

I think, though, what really gets me is the intimacy of this moment. And how it’s allowed to be a m/m moment without being sexual and without commentary. It’s about two people who meaning something to each other in a struggle together, and I just kind of love that that’s always been the heart of Klaine’s story.

Kurt’s been alone for so long -- and in a different way, so has Blaine. But they have each other...

All The Other Ghosts

Burt shows up at the hospital for another Kurt/Burt scene that is nearly perfect. I love how Mike O’Malley plays a scared parent. Just love it. I love that Burt yells cause he can’t contain himself, and that he expresses that while he’s proud of Kurt -- points out how it was a really stupid decision, too -- that the guys could have had a gun, that he could have been killed.

At the heart of Kurt’s story, originally, was a story about a gay kid and his dad -- and I’m glad that late in the series they’re able to bring that back again in such an emotionally relevant way. Kurt and Burt have grown in so many ways -- but at the end of the day, Burt is still worried and deeply cares about his kid, and no matter how old you get -- a good parent will continue to do so.

Meanwhile - we get a little bit of insight into Kurt’s head but not enough. Kurt mentions that he’s been fighting these guys -- these demons of society that tell him that he’s not wanted in it -- for a long time. And instead of just taking it like he often did as a kid, he’s fighting back. That fight was always kind of there -- though through fashion and not fists, and then in season 2 it was more outwardly being proud of who he was. But yeah, the commentary of the episode (and another thing I wish had been developed better) is that sometimes it’s violent and sometime’s it’s not as pretty as singing a song about being Born This Way.

Kurt says he wishes he’d get a scar -- which, besides being a little morbid, is a way for Kurt to remember his continued fight.

There is on clunky bit, though -- when Kurt says he finally realizes who he is and that’s.... Burt’s son? Huh? I mean - I feel like they were tiptoeing around the whole ‘what a real man is’ that they’d mostly dropped after Finn died. But it also feels like they weren’t really sure what Kurt’s realization was? Something a little more explicit to what that means for Kurt as a character might have been nice.

I have to wonder, though, cause there’s some subtext here that I can’t fully read -- if Kurt going out and jumping into fights is a little bit like way back in End of Twerk when he was finding a way to be alive again. Like I said earlier -- Kurt just seems like he’s...not in a good place, and hasn’t been since Finn died, and I don’t know if it’s that, or a culmination of that with other things, but it feels like it’s hanging over this scene. I can’t quite pinpoint what I’m feeling here, though, and unfortunately the narrative doesn’t give us much to work on. Ah well.

Sidewalk

Oh this scene... I’d love to know what the original purpose this scene had in the script because I’m not fully feeling it the episode.

Kurt and Blaine meet near that sidewalk vigil and Blaine says that Kurt doesn’t have to do this -- do what? Go outside? Walk five steps? Place flowers on the sidewalk? I get that Blaine is concerned because Kurt’s just getting to his recovery and Blaine wants to make sure he’s okay. And I also get that part of this moment is about the two of them going out together to face the reality that even in a ‘safer’ place such as New York -- there’s still the reality that there’s a lot of hate for them in the world.

But I’m still not sure I get the dialogue here.

I also wonder, like many, if in the first draft of this episode the guy died from being beat up. I wonder if the censors (or whoever) thought it was too dark and they had to go back and change it -- Blaine’s line that he lived definitely sounds looped. But idk, I think the story would have been stronger had the guy died. Not only would it show the reality of what is going on -- and that hate has awful consequence, but then the scene itself would make more sense. I mean -- why would people have a memorial for a person who lived? Idk, show, idk.

This is also a where I take a moment and talk about how I wish Kurt and Blaine had had a conversation about this with each other. About how Kurt’s been hurt and how each of them are dealing with it. I suppose a lot of that goes into Tested, but it wouldn’t have hurt to give them something here, too. It does feel like there’s a little bit missing and we have to infer a bunch of stuff from subtext.

Also - can we take a second and talk about this production still from the episode?

I like it because it’s a closer angle of the two of them not shown in the actual episode. I wrote a whole tangent on it here. But mostly -- like the earlier scene, it’s quiet and intimate moment. And Kurt’s angry-sad and Blaine’s sad-sad, and there’s a whole lot to this picture that isn’t being said. But mostly, I just love everything that it says about their relationship, and how they’ve kinda flipped roles over the course of the years, but ultimately, how they’re in everything together.

No Apologies Needed

Oh Hummelberry scenes, I’m not even sure how I feel about you anymore.

Rachel comes into apologize for being awful - which is a nice turn of events, really. Kurt’s all pfft I’m over it - let’s talk about you getting back into school cause there are other more important things in life stupid fights and being mad at each other.

Idk. The scene works, it’s always nice when they let Rachel show a little humility. And I kind of enjoy that Kurt expresses how much he cares for her even if he’s not letting her 100% off the hook. Still -- sometimes I think Rachel gets the better end of the bargain, and maybe I don’t always want these issues to be resolved in under ten minutes.

Plus, I’m always side-eyeing when they use Kurt’s troubles to prop up Rachel’s character.

Using this really crappy still to show that, yes, Kurt’s happy to see Blaine. Suck it haters.

Kurt turns his head because Samcedes has arrived, but otherwise, he had been fully engaged and happy with the affection Blaine was giving him. Ah the small things.

Anyway - Sam and Mercedes proclaim they’re together. Kurt gives us a full history of their relationship and then claims he doesn’t see chemistry there (really Kurt? Way to be supportive) but then Sam and Mercedes just make out in front of everyone. And Kurt doesn’t even get a reaction shot. Sure, show. sure.

A toast to Kurt! Because he survived and now has to sing a Sondheim song about it.

Also, if you’re wondering why Blaine isn’t sitting next to Kurt - it has more to do with blocking, and line distribution, and camera angels then it does with anything said or not said about the relationship. Just sayin’.

I’m Still Here

Kurt’s last solo on the show. Oh man. Hmmm.

First of all, let’s just say that Kurt singing a song traditionally done by an elderly woman from the golden age of Broadway seems about right. This song is most definitely a Kurt-ish song, and a nice way to end his solo musical journey that doing something profoundly him.

Kurt (Chris) sounds nice on the track, even if he does botch a few of the pronunciations -- he’s good at this kind of thing, and with the added choreography of Kurt’s traditional dance method, it’s a fine performance. But then, I mean, go watch Elaine Stritch do it on YouTube and you can see why I’m a little - eh - about this performance. There’s a reason it’s meant for an 80yo woman and not for a 20yo guy. Sorry :(

The sentiment is nice though, and while I’m sad that we won’t get another full solo from Kurt, I like that he’s definite in his statement. Kurt Hummel is here -- he is who he is -- and after all the shit the show’s given him (plus a little bit more coming up) he’ll always be here. In our hearts. :D

As an aside - I like the little moments with Burt -- the fact that Kurt’s clearly been singing this song since he was a kid because Burt knows all the words. And I love that Blaine is sitting at the family table, and just beaming with pride.

And at the end of the day - Kurt’s triumphantly standing on a piano because there’s nothing more Kurt than that. The story might be a little wobbly, sure, Kurt ultimately gets the happy ending -- and that’s the message that Glee is really here for.

One More Thing

The story is pretty much over - but there is this one last thing I want to address because it was such a source of contention back when this aired.

There was this issue that Kurt was cold to Blaine during this episode. And -- I just don’t see it? Kurt’s having some issues, and yeah, I wish the narrative would have allowed for Kurt and Blaine to have a private conversation about things, but that’s more technical issues than actual problems within the narrative.

Speaking of technical -- this last scene. There’s a kind of goof, where Blaine moves in to kiss Kurt, but Kurt, not knowing turns away. But the still above is right after that happens - where Kurt looks to Blaine and is beaming. So here’s my thing. I think it was probably an improv’d moment from Darren, because when you watch the scene it’s very obvious that Chris isn’t aware it’s happening. Why the editors chose that take? I don’t know. I could have a full rant about how I think the editors weren’t great on this show. But no - I think it has no bearing on how Kurt and Blaine feel or even how Chris was trying to play the moment. I think it was a goof that made it’s way into the episode.

Kinda like that time Naya punched Darren in the face in the background. (DSB - New Directions, yes it happened) Does Santana not like Blaine?!?? No - it’s an accident.

And I think that’s what happens -- I know we all wanna hang on to every little second cause Glee spends a lot of seconds squandering them. And Glee had, in the past, a knack for having brilliant background moments. But sometimes a goof is just a goof, and a questionable directing/editing choice is just that. I feel like getting our panties in a twist every time something doesn’t go perfectly on this show is a waste of energy. Ah well...

#finding kh #Kurt Hummel

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alivinghopes · 3 years ago

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Emotional Numbness

Weekly Discussion

At some point or another we’ve all heard these words before:

“Suck it up princess!” “Be a man!” “Stop being a cry-baby,” “Get over it,” “Stop being so sensitive,” “Get thicker skin!”

While these words were likely spoken without consciously intending us long-term harm, they nevertheless point to a common and undeniably tragic truth in our society: that expressing your emotions is a sign of weakness, rather than strength.

If you were born into an emotionally repressed culture that valued the “masculine” ideals of efficiency and logic, it is likely that you struggle with some level of emotional numbness.

If you were born into a family that shunned any form of strong emotional expression, it is even more likely that emotional numbing is an issue for you.

And if you experienced an extremely traumatic life event that was simply too overwhelming for you to handle (from which you haven’t recovered), I can almost guarantee that you suffer from emotional numbness.

So how does emotional numbness impact virtually every part of our life? And what advice can I share with you after going through my own struggle with this issue? Keep reading and you’ll find out.

What is Emotional Numbness?

Emotional numbness is a defense mechanism employed by the mind to avoid intense and overwhelming emotions such as fear, hatred, jealousy, and grief. When you go emotionally numb, you lose the ability to feel and experience your emotions on a psychological and emotional level. In this sense, emotional numbness is often clinically connected with dissociation, which is the disconnection from one’s memories, identity, environment, body, or senses.

What Causes Emotional Numbness?

As with most issues, emotional numbness goes back to childhood and the way we were raised by our parents. Being abused by our parents physically, emotionally, sexually, psychologically, or spiritually can contribute towards our inability to self-regulate emotions, which results in emotional numbness. Feeling alienated or disconnected from one or both of our parents, or family at large, can also contribute towards emotional numbness. Being punished whether directly or indirectly for expressing our emotions in childhood also creates emotional numbness.

Numbing our emotions may also start after a severely traumatic experience, such as witnessing acts of violence, being assaulted, experiencing rape, suffering intense loss, or anything that we didn’t have the capacity to psychologically and emotionally handle in the moment. For this reason, emotional numbness is often a symptom of PTSD and various anxiety disorders.

Emotional numbness is also influenced by our culture and wider social circles, particularly those that emphasize being stoic, rational, and emotionally invulnerable (e.g., British, Chinese, American, Russian).

The Danger of Emotional Numbness

If you even have the slightest inkling that you might be emotionally numb, it’s time to listen up. Emotional numbness is not a small character flaw or minor area of self-growth to improve in – it is a serious problem which needs to be addressed immediately.

Speaking from experience, emotional numbness has formed the root of many issues I have faced (and still continue to face) in my life. Due to my upbringing in an emotionally stunted, dogmatically religious family whom I felt disconnected from for the majority of my life, I never learned how to handle strong emotions. I was punished verbally, emotionally or physically anytime I expressed strong emotions, and freethinking or any form of dissent was rejected, resulting in being ostracized.

The combination of having a British father and a mother who was traumatized by her own emotionally unstable mother – on top of an oppressive fundamentalist religion – led to grooming me as a stoic and “stable” person who was taught that expressing emotions was not only bad but shameful.

As you can see, sometimes there are numerous factors at play that may contribute to your inability to regulate intense emotions, and therefore resort to unconsciously numbing them. In my case, I learned that strong emotions = punishment in one form or another, and so I learned that they were dangerous to experience.

The danger of disconnecting from your emotions is that it can lead to a host of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual issues. Such issues may include dysfunctional coping mechanisms (obsessive compulsions), mild to severe depression, spiritual emptiness, inability to enjoy life, inability to form close and fulfilling relationships, disconnection from inner self, confusion, irritability, fatigue, addictions, chronic illnesses, and somatic illnesses (illnesses produced by the mind). In extreme cases (and I’m talking about situations where emotional contact is nil), emotional numbness can lead to acts of cruelty.

Why is it ‘the Secret Illness’?

I call emotional numbness the secret illness because it is so pervasive in our society, and so socially acceptable, that it often flies underneath the radar. In a society that largely doesn’t know how to handle strong emotions in healthy ways, being stoic and “level-headed” is valued – yet this very same calm and collected facade often conceals unhealthy detachment from one’s feelings. Thus, emotional numbness is a secret illness because so many of us struggle with it, yet don’t even realize that we have it until chronic issues start emerging.

13 Signs You’re Struggling With Emotional Numbness

Emotional detachment is not always a bad thing. It comes in handy when you need to maintain boundaries, avoid undesired energy overload from others, and even help others in crisis situations. But emotional detachment turns into its unhealthy twin (emotional numbness) when it becomes an automatic inner defense mechanism. “What’s so great about feeling strong emotions?” you might ask. The answer is that without feeling our emotions, we don’t have the capacity to live and learn from them or experience the beauty and depth of life.

Here are some of the most significant signs of emotional numbness that you should look out for:

Inability to express strong negative or positive emotions

Inability to “fully participate” in life (i.e., feeling like you’re a passive observer)

Feeling that life is like a dream (a sense unreality)

Living on autopilot

Lack of interest in activities others find enjoyable

Feeling distant from others

The tendency to withdraw from friends and family members

Emotions are only felt in the body as sensations, but not by the mind (or else are completely muted in the body and show up only as illness)

Dislike of people who express strong emotions (both positive and negative)

Not feeling anything in situations that would usually generate strong emotion

Panic or terror when strong emotions eventually breakthrough

Feeling empty inside

Physical and emotional numbness or “flatness”

In extreme circumstances (such as in PTSD sufferers), emotional numbness may even influence the desire to commit suicide. If you are considering suicide, please seek out support immediately.

How to Overcome Emotional Numbness?

Like any psychological defense mechanism, emotional numbing can be complex to deal with, and often requires support from a trained professional such as a therapist.

If you feel that emotional numbness is significantly impairing your life, please do an act of self-compassion and seek out support either locally or online (there are even free counselling services online).

For the time being, here are some helpful practices which I have personally found to increase my ability to feel, cope with, and express strong emotions:

Anchor yourself to your body. As mentioned above, emotional numbing is connected to dissociation (mental disconnection from one part of yourself). In my case, whenever I experience strong emotions, my automatic response is to either (a) only feel the emotions in my body, not my mind, or (b) to have a complete meltdown. In both cases, one of the best self-soothing mechanisms I’ve learned is to anchor myself to my body through mindfulness and physical contact. Similar to what a mother does with her child, I tightly but gently hold one area of my body – usually my hand or stomach. This method helps me to feel contained and grounded in my body. I also recommend using shapewear or a pressure vest to help you in extremely emotionally turbulent periods to anchor yourself to your body (here is a good example of shapewear). Shapewear is used by women and men to keep “love handles” and other body parts slim and defined. For our purposes, shapewear is like a hug to the body that will help you feel safe and ‘held together.’ Pressure vests are a little more expensive and they are used by people with sensory integration disorders (such as autism) to relax.

Deep breathing. Whether used alone or in conjunction with the above-mentioned technique, deep breathing is a simple and easy way to help you mindfully move through whatever you’re experiencing. This practice is particularly useful when intense feelings such as fear or rage break through. There are many books out there that talk about the importance of deep breathing (such as this one), and there are many online tutorials with breathing techniques. I recommend sticking to something simple, something you don’t have to think about too much, and something that doesn’t feel forced. The point of deep breathing isn’t to follow someone else’s technique perfectly, it is to use your breath (in whatever way suits you), to calm your mind and body. Also, I recommend breathing slowly, deeply, and softly instead of forcing deep breaths (which can increase anxiety) – let your breath be natural. Read more about how to relax using deep breathing.

Keep a journal of sad thoughts. I realize this suggestion may sound a tad bit melancholic, but it’s a practice worthy of your time and effort, particularly if you’re wanting to feel and express your emotions. Journaling is also a powerful form of shadow work (a way to express what you would usually suppress). In a physical journal or online diary, spend five to ten minutes every day writing down something which triggers even the slightest pang of sadness in you. For example, you might write down a memory of your dog who died, an issue in the world, something someone said to you, a scene from a movie, a daily struggle or virtually anything that is upsetting (or what you imagine would be upsetting). Creating a sad thoughts diary has two main benefits. One, it helps you express your emotions, even if in an indirect way at first. And two, it acts as a catalyst for feeling and letting out your emotions, particularly when you need momentum (I’ll elaborate more on this soon). Always try to finish your sad thought journaling with something uplifting, like reading the uplifting news subreddit, spending time with someone you love, playing with a pet, or watching something entertaining on YouTube or Netflix.

Catharsis (let it all out, baby!). When emotionally numbing ourselves becomes our default defense mechanism, we tend to have a huge amount of suppressed emotion lying just beneath our conscious awareness. In order to safely and effectively express your suppressed emotions, try some form of catharsis. Catharsis may involve screaming into or punching a pillow, using your sad thoughts journal (mentioned above) to stimulate sadness and crying, intense emotional-fuelled exercise, impassioned dancing, or dynamic meditation. Regular catharsis should be a must on your journey. Without regularly ‘letting it all out,’ you run the risk of experiencing the repercussions of festering emotions (i.e., depression, emptiness, chronic illness, etc.).

Yoga and self-massage. Yoga is a well-known way of helping to clear and balance your energy. Not only that, but yoga often has a way of releasing emotions stored in the body. I recommend doing slow and gentle forms of yoga such as Hatha yoga for at least ten minutes a day. Remember, the goal isn’t to become some Instagram-perfect yoga star; it is to connect with your body, mind, and heart. The truth is that our unexpressed and repressed emotions are often stored within our bodies. I like to think of our bodies as being reflections of our unconscious mind: they are maps that help us to figure out what we are keeping locked away, and what unresolved issues we need to face. In my article about chronic muscle tension, I list the nine types of emotions trapped in different areas of the body. In order to release these emotions, I regularly use something called the ‘Acuball’ to introduce fresh blood flow and energy into these tense areas. I like the Acuball because it gives me a deep tissue massage, while also helping me to stay grounded in my body, relax, and release pent-up stress. (You can get the Acuball here).

Creatively express your feelings (or lack thereof). Write a song, doodle in a journal, paint a picture, create a collage, find some way of expressing what emotion you last felt. If you struggle to feel anything at all, express that artistically. Grab those greys and blacks and turn that damn page into your own work of art. Pay attention to how you feel afterward. Does even the slightest feeling of satisfaction enter you? Journal about these emotions.

Take care of your inner child. As it was your child self that likely copped the trauma that caused you to default to emotional numbing, take care of this part of you. Practice inner child work and find ways of comforting and nurturing this vulnerable place within you. You may even like to create empowering affirmations for your inner child to help him or her access emotions. For example, you might repeat to yourself when you are in a difficult circumstance, “It is OK for me to feel,” “It is safe for me to feel sad,” “My anger is valid,” “Being vulnerable is being strong,” and so forth.

Dedicate space and time to feeling. In our busy lives, it is very easy to numb and distract ourselves with social media, the TV, shopping, food, social commitments, and other things that constantly cause us to look outside. Looking inside is much harder and requires far more self-discipline, hence why most people don’t do it. If you are serious about overcoming your emotional numbness, you will need to dedicate space and time to all of the activities I have mentioned in this article. If you struggle with self-discipline, I recommend making yourself externally accountable by joining a meditation group or other practice to help you turn inwards. Please don’t skip this step, it is imperative that you spend time exploring your inner self, and in particular, what you are repressing and why.

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Emotional Numbness Q&A

Here are some commonly asked questions about emotional numbness. Hopefully they’ll answer any remaining concerns or thoughts you may have about this topic:

What causes emotional detachment?

The simple answer is trauma. Usually, emotional detachment (or numbness) can be linked to early childhood experiences such as being abused mentally, emotionally, sexually, or physically. However, not everyone who experiences emotional detachment had tough childhoods. Sometimes, other traumatizing experiences later in life can trigger emotional detachment as a protective mechanism (such as divorce, job loss, rape, illnesses, war, etc.).

Can numbness be a sign of anxiety?

Yes, emotional numbness can mask intense feelings of anxiety – it’s the mind’s way of protecting itself from being flooded by overwhelming emotions. Numbness is a primal reaction to fear and is also known as the freeze response. There are three main reactions to anxiety-provoking situations that we have: fight, flight, and freeze.

How to fix emotional numbness?

To fix, or rather regain the ability to feel again, it’s important to be gentle with yourself. Try reconnecting with your body, practicing deep breathing, doing some catharsis, journaling, and creating a safe environment for yourself. Seeking out professional support is usually crucial, as emotional numbness is usually a major sign of a traumatized nervous system. To regulate your nervous system, you need a safe holding environment, which a professional therapist/counsellor can provide.

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sonerajhaveri · 4 years ago

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Self Esteem in Romantic Relationships

Low Self Esteem in Romantic Relationships

Often we think that relationships, especially, personal, intimate and romantic one’s, would nurture and nourish us and in turn boost our self-confidence. However, sometimes, this is not the case, if we have inadvertently spiraled off into a destructive or passionless or simply dead and boring relationship quagmire. What drives one to persist in (and with) a painful and unsatisfying set of circumstances, in what was once a romantic relationship that was supposed to give you pleasure and joy? As when we get into a relationship, we are generally not signing up for prolonged physical, emotional and sexual neglect or abuse.

What then could be the motivation to subject oneself to the agony of continuing to be willfully involved with a violent alcoholic or a sex addict or an emotionally unavailable workaholic who just does not have time for you? In other words, what is that kernel within ourselves that enables us to remain, consciously and unconsciously, in self-damaging situations with a dysfunctional partner while staying frozen in a maladaptive relational pattern?

How we embody low self-esteem

On some level, the reason why we choose to persist, and I would reiterate the choice in the matter, is perhaps, on some deep level we believe that we deserve no better, having a low opinion of ourselves and our capacities to be an independent and likable individual. These kinds of negative assumption of ourselves tantamount to a subliminal form of self-hatred. Latently or even manifestly, the voice of one’s inner critic, ensures that we remain embroiled in emotional anguish ad nauseum, while we continue to live our lives as gluttons for punishment as we feel that we deserve to be slapped, cheated on or mistreated because we might be ugly, fat, old, stupid, unattractive, unintelligent etc.

We make excuses about why we cannot leave a painful and harmful dynamic which is anything but romantic because we have a fear of being alone, that we are financially dependent, that we have children with the person who abuses us or that we nurse a fantasy that our partner will change. However, over a period of time, these assumptions show themselves as examples of self-defeating delusions and fears that undermine ourselves. Bluntly put, the foundational core for these emotionally unintelligent assumptions is low or very low self esteem that sabotages us from living a better life and fashions a self-fulfilling prophesy of victimhood. Low self esteem is a requirement to tolerate unpleasant relationships because in some sense one is habituated to being treated badly and may at other times actually be a license for one’s partner to treat one shabbily.

Reasons why we develop low self esteem

Perhaps we grew up with an absent or an emotionally unavailable parent or experienced damaging developmental trauma that destabilized our sense of self or we were simply bullied at school. Admittedly, there might have been pain in our lives but to blame ourselves for bad things that happened to us or to wallow in them indefinitely and play the victim is self-destructive. Often the roots of low self- esteem lie deep in a wounded child within us who feels “not good enough.” As children we feel accepted only to the extent we feel unconditionally loved and supported by our parents. If we felt conditionally accepted or constantly criticized by our caregivers we started believing that we were not adequate and begin to develop an inadequate sense of self.

The persecuted child grows up into a battered adult who stays paralyzed in the face of abuse, retarding her sense of agency or self-efficacy, which is the ability to take control and transform one’s life. The crux of the low self esteem issue is that when we let ourselves remain in a situation that harms and destroys our last remaining shreds of our self, health and well being, it reflects a great deal about how we feel about ourselves and about how we let ourselves be received in the world by others.

Psychophysiological Consequences of Low Self Esteem

Over a period of time, continued low self esteem and sense of victimhood will grind us down both psychologically and physiologically pre-disposing one to suffer from clinical depression, high anxiety, and stress. Chronic low self-esteem may lead onto more severe mood disorders ensuring that one has very low life satisfaction.

Since the mind and body are intimately connected from a psychobiological perspective, prolonged relational stress will wear down our immune system, cardiovascular system, gastrointestinal system, neuroendocrinological system and set us up for potentially harboring carcinogenic cells or auto-immune reactions. Apart from taking serious tolls on our mental and physical health, low self-esteem prevents us from living the life we would want which is a happy well-adjusted life with a partner who loves and cherishes us.

How to work with Low Self-Esteem

If you identify yourself as having low self-esteem, which in turn keeps you, locked in an unhappy romantic situation start doing something about it immediately! It is good to begin to create scenarios and experiences that give you a sense of self worth. Below is a list of activities that help bring up one’s self esteem

1) Cultivate an attitude of self acceptance and self care

2) Take some space and time away from your partner

3) Create independent activities with your friends or start socializing sometimes separately from your partner

4) Make new concrete life style shifts in your life – – e.g. start exercising, loose weight; become healthy; get a job

5) Create a new self image by changing your hairstyle and fashion sense

6) Develop your hobbies

7) Practice yoga and meditation

8) Travel alone or take a holiday with friends

9) Create new social outlets such as joining a book club or a NGO or even a dance class

All the above suggestions are to allow and curate a sense of self- confidence and enjoyment where you feel good about yourself and validated and appreciated by other people. However, despite trying all the above suggestions, you do not feel better because of overpowering feelings of helplessness, it is beneficial to speak with a qualified therapist or mental health professional about how you can either emancipate yourself from the relationship or shift your emotional reactions in or to the relationship.

Since low self-esteem is in fact a psychological problem to deconstruct low self esteem one needs to pursue psychotherapeutic interventions that create cognitive and behavioral shifts. By doing psychological work one can trace and ultimately dis-identify with the wounded inner child and discipline the inner critic within one’s thought processes. Where one learns to replace negative thoughts with more self-affirming ones, and where one learns to create boundaries against abuse as a form of self-care.

I, personally, feel a combination of psychotherapeutic work with self-awareness practices works best with my clients with low self-esteem. By supporting them in their mindfulness practice and psychodynamically engaging and challenging their unconscious core beliefs and assumptions about themselves, clients are able to eventually dis-identify with their negative assessments of themselves. Conversely, they generate more self-acceptance and self-compassion for themselves and in turn translate this into wholesome actions in their lives and relationships.

#Self Esteem in Romantic Relationships

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jeremystrele · 4 years ago

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Caring for New Mothers Shouldn’t Stop at Six Weeks, According To Author + Co-Founder of Mama Goodness, Jessica Prescott

Family

Ashe Davenport

Cookbook author, postpartum doula and co-founder of Mama Goodness, Jess Prescott, with her two boys Louie and Jude. Photo – Bri Hammond for The Design Files.

Little Jude and Jess reading a book. Photo – Bri Hammond for The Design Files.

Jess and her husband Andy at home in Preston. Photo – Bri Hammond for The Design Files.

Andy, Louie, Jude and Jess in bed! Photo – Bri Hammond for The Design Files.

Jess with Louie, who started school this year. Photo – Bri Hammond for The Design Files.

Jess is a vegan chef who has written multiple coobooks! Photo – Bri Hammond for The Design Files.

The family at their dining table. Photo – Bri Hammond for The Design Files.

Jess letting Jude outside. Photo – Bri Hammond for The Design Files.

Louie checking on the lemons in the backyard. Photo – Bri Hammond for The Design Files.

Jess and Jude cheersing with watermelon! Photo – Bri Hammond for The Design Files.

Jess and Jude having a snack. Photo – Bri Hammond for The Design Files.

What I would have given for a Jess Prescott after I gave birth to my first baby. And my second. And right now, for that matter, as I tow my 3 + 5 year old to daycare and rush to work, only to rush back two hours later with reports of a snotty nose. Then home to the impossible task of working while parenting as my “sick” child climbs mountains of folding yelling for snacks. Infinite, eternal snacks.

Jess says postpartum is forever. And maybe that’s a healthy way to look at things. Because rates of postpartum depression are at an all-time high. Daycare fees are inordinate. And a third of mothers describe their birth as traumatic. There’s immense pressure to look incredible, have meaningful careers and “hold space” for our kid’s tsunami of emotion. All on Very. Little. Sleep.

We need all the support we can get. At a policy level, in the workplace, at home, in life. Jess provides that support through Mama Goodness. And teaches us how to ask for it.

Ashe Davenport: There’s pressure on birthing people to “snap back” after the baby arrives, physically, emotionally, socially, etc. How much do you hate that on a scale of 1-100?

Jess Prescott: I don’t ‘hate’ it per se, but I am deeply saddened by it as it is detrimental to the mental and physical health of birthing people, which trickles down to their children, their community, and society at large. Nothing is the same after birth. How can they be when we have gone through one of the most monumental transitions we will ever go through as humans? To grow and birth a baby is a massive undertaking that requires deep rest in the days, weeks and months that follow. Birthing people need to be physically and emotionally nourished, and given the time and space to bond with the living, breathing piece of themselves they have brought into the world. And not worry about whether or not their jeans fit.

My Maternal and Child Health Nurse was most interested in weighing grams and ticking boxes. And my Parents’ Group was grim. What do you think is missing from the standard support systems available to new parents?

Compassion. Help. FOOD. Raising little humans is just so hard, and even with the best supports in place, sleep deprivation can make the strongest of people unravel. There needs to be more acknowledgment of this, and the narrative needs to shift so that people feel safe admitting they aren’t coping. We need to normalise the challenges that parents of small humans go through, so that others know how to help, and so that help becomes the norm and not the thing we seek out only when we are at rock bottom.

It also truly baffles me that support tends to only last for 6 or so weeks, and anything beyond that is considered indulgent. After the meal train runs out and the doula and midwife visits stop, we are left on our own with a tiny baby and sometimes multiple other children. Most babies are still waking multiple times in the night and we are unable to put them down in the day time, not even to shower or fix ourselves something to eat. Time after time, I’ve seen new mums struggle with this as I bid them farewell at my final Postpartum Doula visit. There is a sense of bewilderment as they wonder how they will survive the days alone after feeding their hungry little babies all night now that partners have gone back to work and all paid support has come to a bittersweet end. Society needs to change its view of mothers so that they are shown the reverence they deserve, rather than being cast aside until they are able to rejoin the workforce.

I notice a lot of people’s eyes glaze over when I talk about motherhood. Either that or they’re completely horrified. How do you respond to that?

Haha oh the eye glaze. I mean, I get it. They have different interests to me and that’s ok. I’m not sure I was overly excited about the children of strangers before I was a mother myself. Now I understand that to most people, our children are an extension of ourselves, and when people pay attention to our kids or our boring stories about our kids, it is deeply validating. People who GET that are very special.

As for the horror, well, I remind them that the love outweighs it all. It really does. It doesn’t make sense until you know that love yourself, but it does. Motherhood is the most deeply humbling journey I have ever been on, and it has added a depth to my character that I am grateful for, even on the hardest of days.

Social media: friend or sadist to a vulnerable parent craving connection/visibility?

Both! We are very lucky to have access to so much information and connection at our fingertips and I know I’m not alone when I say that Instagram made the endless hours of breastfeeding more bearable. But it is up to us to curate our feed. If someone makes us feel yuck, either unfollow or mute them. We owe no explanation to anyone except ourselves.

I burned with shame at the thought of someone knowing I wasn’t coping. What would you say to that new parent who desperately needs help, but refuses to admit it?

Oh gosh, I wish you could see how hard it is for everyone, that you are not alone in your struggles and that even that ‘perfect mum’ to whom everything comes effortlessly is struggling. Everyone is struggling in their own way, even non-parents. It’s ok to need help. It’s normal to need help. How this help looks will be different for everyone but you are not alone. It is FUCKING HARD to raise a family. It’s not something we were ever supposed to do alone, so to feel like you need help means there is something RIGHT with you, not something wrong.

I also want to add that postpartum depression is most commonly diagnosed when the firstborn child is 4 years old – regardless of whether subsequent children are born. Keep checking in on your friends, people. Especially the strong ones and even when their babies aren’t babies anymore.

How do you hope a new mum feels after a delivery from Mama Goodness?

Loved. Seen. Relieved. Overjoyed. Like a giant weight has been lifted off their shoulders. That they can rest easy knowing that meals and snacks are taken care of for the next few days, and that everything they consume will be bringing them maximum nutrition. Like they are a part of our village.

What’s the last miniature joy you experienced?

Oh, they are all around me! This morning when Andy handed me my coffee. Every morning when Jude says ‘you have a good sweep mama?’ as he wraps his little body around mine. Or when he grabs my face and says ‘I wuv you so much’ followed by ‘I wuv your hair’.

How should people support new mums when they are visiting – What are the visitor ‘do’s and don’ts’ for 0-6 weeks postpartum?

Don’t expect to visit in the first couple of weeks. It is such a tender and raw time, most people have no idea what day or time it is and are still bonding with their baby and learning to breastfeed. If you are lucky enough to receive an invite over, bring food. Send a message when you’re on your way, reminding them that they don’t need to tidy before you come, and asking if they need anything. Even if they say no, ALWAYS BRING FOOD. Only stay for a maximum of an hour and make sure you wash your hands but don’t for one minute expect to hold the baby, unless they ask you to so that they can shower/go to the bathroom/play with their toddler/nap. Make them a tea and wash any dishes in the sink while you are at it. Ask how you can help. Give heaps of attention to their other children. Don’t be late, they probably have naps and midwife visits scheduled around your visit.

And 6+ weeks postpartum?

Again, food. Don’t expect that because the birthing person is past that 6 week mark they are miraculously able to resume their old life. Getting out of the house with a small child is a full time job. Offer to go to them, unless they are desperate for an outing in which case, invite them over and send them home with food. Tell them how amazing and beautiful they are, tell them you are in awe of them, and ask them how they are TRULY doing.

Did I mention you should always give a person with a new baby FOOD??!! Even when they have a 6 or 9 month old, they need food!

What food should we bring to a friend who has just had a baby?

Anything that’s easy to digest, can be eaten with one hand and can be frozen if their fridge is full already (lucky them!). Think soups, stews, lasagna, cottage pie etc. To me, a perfect food hamper contains a lasagna, a soup, a loaf of bread, something sweet such as chocolate or cookies, and tea. Of course you can always just order a pack from Mama Goodness. But seriously, even a pie from your local bakery will be appreciated. New mums are HUNGRY!

FAMILY FAVOURITES

Family cafe

It’s not really a café, but a small Turkish bakery that my family frequents – Tammy’s at the Preston market. Tammy is the loveliest person and she is vegan which means there are endless vegan options as well as non-vegan options. The mushroom and cheese borek is heaven and if you are lucky enough to visit on a day when Tammy has made dolmas, you are in for a treat. I love it so much. There are so many great cafes in Melbourne but none of them feel like home the way Tammy’s does.

‘Me time’ activity?

Pilates, baby!

Sunday morning breakfast ritual?

Sunday mornings are just as chaotic as the rest of the week as the boys still want brekky at 6am which is way too early for me to eat. But on a good week, I make sourdough on Saturday which I then bake first thing Sunday morning. By the time it’s ready to eat, the boys are ready for their second breakfast and we sit together and eat endless slices. They call it ‘mama bread’. It’s really special.

Weekend getaway?

Anglesea used to be our go-to because my in-laws had a house there. They recently sold, which is bittersweet because we truly love that part of Victoria, but it means we are being forced to explore other pockets of regional Victoria. I have to say, I am yet to be disappointed, we are really very lucky here and manage to find yum food and good op shops wherever we go.

Head to Mama Goodness to book one of Jess’s postpartum doula or food services. And you can check out her brilliant cookbooks, Vegan One-Pot Wonders, Vegan Goodness & Vegan Goodness: Feasts

Need support with perinatal anxiety and depression? You’re not alone. This is a serious illness that affects up to one in five expecting or new mums and one in ten expecting or new dads. PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia) is a great resource for women, men and families who need help – click here to find out more.

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