#help forever struggling w the concept of how ppl can just have so so so much money

[clarabowmp3]

HAHA i am on the “poor” side (i live in a hdb) and having that much land is also incomprehensible to me like isnt there land scarcity in sg pls 😭😭😭😭 i have read the trilogy though and apparently the author was on that side of singapore and he said that the series was based entirely off of his childhood!!

TRILOGY??? BASED OFF HIS CHILDHOOD???? HUHH??? no way. NO WAY!! ig mayyybe possible if we're talking abt a sg a few decades ago when land was not as scarce, maybe? and the country not so overpopulated? still tho they must be rlllyyy rolling in the dough

[actuallyitsstar]

aaaaaaa so tumblr is not a functional website and it ate my next two drafted asks so prepare to get tagged in textposts but @brambleberrycottage sent Lord of The Rings (which will be v interesting bc im quite new to this franchise so pls dont crucify me i know nothing im baby lol) for the fandom ask game:

✨ send me a fandom and i'll answer with the following!

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most)

↣ VERY IMPOSSIBLE CHOICE but i think i have no choice but to go with aragorn. idk i dont know enough yet about all the lore of the universe to unpack this but. idk. something about that specific Flavor of generational trauma and the concept of corrupted legacy/rejecting his bloodline and coming back to it and learning to accept it and himself and what that means for middle earth in the grand scheme of things and h ow he has to 'forgive' himself/his kind to help everyone else. idk idk. It Compels Me. ive only seen the movies 3 times and i have not yet read the books so im sorry if im saying anything stupid aldjfkfhf 😭

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped)

↣ SAM!!! SAMWISE GAMGEE !!! SAMWISE THE BRAVE! he is so so friend shaped i just love him so much so many of his scenes make me ugly cry. he was my big toss up for blorbo in this ranking. but i want to squish him. you know ???????

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave)

↣ NO idea who is underrated in this fandom but i have a Soft Spot for boromir. hes that type. the type we've discovered i always love. the traumatized man with emotional problems who is overconfident. akdjfkfjfkgfj and i KNOW he obviously has his faults but he redeems himself and he reminds us of his true character and he does right by those halflings in the end by god 😭😭 still sad abt it

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week)

↣ again not that obscure probably idk enough of the more background ppl yet and idk who is popular but i have a soft spot for king theoden. his speech on the hill about burying his son always rly gets to me and he seems very noble and level-headed and fair, if not a little bit prideful at times. so interested in the concept of legacy and the way he talks about it and then how aragorn talks about it too and i always wonder if there is meant to be contrast/reference between them.

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave)

↣ LISTEN..... DO NOT COME FOR ME BUT ITS KIND OF SORT OF SMEAGOL......hear me out. if faramir hadnt caused frodo and same to betray him i think he might still have been good and might still have been free of the ring at last. and idk if that lines up w the lore at all i may be talking out of my ass. im just saying i feel so so terrible about that twist happening to him bc he seemed so happy and free before the ring and then its just IMMEDIATE awfulness and crimes forever. he must be suffering. he died suffering. for the stupid ring. id like to think in another universe he gets something better.

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason)

↣ im sorry this is literally frodo i think 😭 canonically and also fandom-wise. frodo ily i am sorry this burden ruined your life it PHYSICALLY pains me, literally, yet i cannot stop reading about it and thinking abt your struggles.

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell)

↣ OBVIOUSLY SAURON OR SARUMAN.....NEXT QUESTION

[elaichoi]

PLSDJJIDS I WAS THE OPPOSITE like i didnt wanna pay money but also like i had to have it to reach my fullest potential 👹👹👺

yes exactly i burnt out big time OTL cheers to being *less* mentally ill in the near future ^3^

that's totally understandable,, from the way i see it a majority of the asian population that goes by undiagnosed is v large,, and i'm not basing this off of any actual studies though i know there are some out there- but rather just the role culture (at least in most east asian cultures is as far as i'm qualified to speak for lol) plays in mental health makes diagnosis and treatment,, idk and just going by undiagnosed makes me sad that there are ppl who think this is the norm and that it's something you are expected to get over bc it's something "everyone goes thru" :( i very much relate on the front of gaslighting urself/being gaslit into thinking u just can't handle struggles that "everyone else manages to manage well" n that rlly sucks im sorry beb </3

DAMN LOL we r on the same boat on the same river 🥲 my little tiny snowball also started out w family problems and oh my god my mental health has come out of its hiding >o< i remember my counselor describing it as an unvented pressure cooker lmao

don't answer if you don't wanna, but do you still feel that way in the sense of repressing ur emotions? like refusing to acknowledge it ? i think i was like that for a small period of time but now im like the complete opposite which is like half miserable half not lmfaoo i will forever be the biggest advocate for anyone getting therapy even if u think u don't need it,,, but!! i also know its a big step and may not be accessible for some :<

no yeah cus i feel so gross and overwhelmed and like not in control of things and so ill start spiraling if i dont get up and take a shower ^_^

not throwing pity confetti in your face, just as someone who can relate at least in some ways, big kudos to u for having so much patience to put up w everything bc it must b very hard not to lose ur marbles all the time,,,, standing w u solider 🫡

OH TRUE I FORGOT AB THAT UGH BARF i remember ig always fucked up my video quality saur bad even after rendering n shit T_T

aaa goodluck bae<3 hehe yeah i always rlly want to after seeing so many pretty edits jdksdkf i might i might we shall see :>

STOPITNFSISD I WISH I COULD INSERT A REACTION PIC BC UR RIZZ GAME I HAVE NO WORDS HAHSDJJJ

mental health is such a fuck up like it's like a ticking bomb the way it can go off at any point of life and the urge to ghost everyone, im so ashamed fr

yeah like most of asian countries i feel like. in our culture mental health is seen as something that is seen interjected with "adulting" like when you grow up you're supposed to feel like this and it's your duty to like make peace with it and if you try to seek help for it your family members kinda take it like a failure like you couldnt even deal with this? there's just a whole lot of stigma surrounding it and on top of that, therapy not being that widely available in south asia is a huge problem.

bro pressure cooker, im glad to know you're actually very up front with your feelings now. it's always better than bottling them up, at least you don't feel like a stranger to yourself either, my issues make me feel like an imposter within myself like it's hard to distinguish between things that I feel like I'm making up and the other things that's fucking me up.

YOU ARE SO NICE I AM WITH YOU TOO MY SOLDIER ILY!!!!

lmao ngl I was like those scenario and concept editors right I would have continued to edit bc my edits were like THSIE most beautiful scenes in kpop mvs but I stopped bc the resolution was ASSS THAT TOO WHITE ASSS!!!!!

OMG i wonder how i rizzed u up 😩😩😩😩

[cyanpeacock]

OK I am full of rage and confusion and exhausted indifference. I've been awake like 2 hours and my brain has done very little but bombard me with "Kill yourself. Why don't you kill yourself. Hey! Have you considered suicide recently? Kill yourself!"

my Conscious Self(?) is here like. dude, what the fuck.

brain, i'm really trying here. i have Plans for the Future. a degree, and suchlike. none... of that will Happen if we do An Suecyde.

god it's angermaking and confusioning and i KNOW. i KNOW. Just Take Your Mind Off It. i TRIED. i read Other Things. i did Other Stuff. it keeps getting in there and being a fuck bastard. so i presume i'm supposed to Talk About It?

still, what's the deal, brain. i mean, like, the Deal is BPD. i want to be Magically Cured, i am not, i'm in recovery, i am aware of improvements, and i am aware that lots of this Stuff doesn't just Vanish Overnight.

talking abt it. is a Good Thing. ppl have told me (more or less) Just Shut Up About It And It Will Go Away. and... maybe this works for them? but it does not work too great for me, if The Thing is repeatedly reinserting itself into my mind despite efforts to distract and refocus.

so why... brain do this thing.

uh, well, anxiety and panic, which keeps Busting Out and i keep slamming a lid on it and it's ineffective and unpleasant and my brain is still struggling with the concept of an emotion Not Lasting Forever. although they do. but they don't. disgusting.

habit, to a degree? i have been Rather Suicidal for a Considerable Amount Of Time. it is, uh, a couple of months since my last Attempt(tm).

ok, wow, and dissociation. yeah, i forgot i tried to die that recently. time... is weird. fluid entity, except, it's kind of linear. fuck.

there's this weird guilt and shame about repeatedly failing to Actually Die? like, what the hell, man. two fears of the unknown meet in a deserted field and completely fail to annihilate each other. ok.

hostility, because i'm aware people tried to help me w/ my fuckarooney emotions, then got pissed when nothing seemed to work? which, you know, that feels like a personal attack when you literally cannot help the way you feel, nobody can. so, what, do i be grateful they tried, or pissed because they hurt me/gave up on me? both?? that's fucking complicated???!

man, ok, ok. so, i have a History(tm) of emotional invalidation as a kid. what... does that do. oh my god, this is like, hell revision. okay. okay.

so, routine emotional invalidation as a kid, leaves that kid with a sense that if they're feeling certain emotions, they're Bad and Wrong and Ought To Be Punished/Ended/Dead.

and, uh, because of my Personal Experience(tm), i tend to get in a loop where... i'm really upset for some reason that might seem inconsequential to somebody else, and then bc people have reacted to my intense sadness with anger So Often, i learned That's How You Deal With Being Upset. You Get Angry And Rough.

so... i go sad-angry-sad-angry-sad-angry infinite loop. which, yeah, that's self-intensifying to a point where my brain ultimately goes... Time To Die This Is Unbearable.

jfc, it takes so much Time and so much Mental Focus to talk myself through this, but i know if i don't then the next bender or A&E trip or OD is That Much Sooner, and i would like to try and get to a point where this isn't Happening Every Focking Day, or i at least get some kind of used to it.

so, ok, right. i gotta... do that, assuming my own perspective again, and validate myself, and say yeah, that was emotional neglect and abuse that had me self-harming and suicidal so young. those patterns of thought and behaviour r stubborn and don't dissolve overnight. i am and always have been doing my best. i am an emotional person, and i've been attacked for that, although i can't change that, and it was and is hurtful to be accused of exaggerating/being melodramatic/etc when i literally just Feel So Fucking Much.

ok. ok. not as immediately suicidal any more. other emotions to Figure Out tho, but that's another post

[glowyves]

Can you do small introductions on each loona member? Or i mean not all of them if u dont want ik theres like 27 of them but just little descriptions of what u think of em would be cute

a chance? to talk abt the loves of my life? 

heejin: you knwo that friend who like if u fuck around during the school yr and need someone to help u out w notes and getting yourself together bc u know shes always on top of her game? thats heejin. girly is an all rounder tbh she can sing dance and as much as ppl like 2 clown her for her rapping shes really not all that bad. LIKE shes just so versatile. she showed that thru mixnine which lol i didnt watch besides cuts but if u watch her performing on there and then see her performing with loona 1/3 it’s like complete opposites but she manages to shine no matter what like it’s effortless for her. shes such a sweet girl too i really do feel like theres a reason she was picked to go first bc she has such a likeable personality. shes funny, hardworking, humble (but not to the point to where she downplays her worth), and just seems like a real ride or die type of friend

hyunjin: MY BABY i hav such a soft spot for hyunjin and it’s hard not to??? she comes across as a little quiet at first and she acts like she doesnt care but she does u know she does shes not fooling anyone idc how many times shes told yeojin 2 shut up on camera i know she’d be one of the first if not THE first girl 2 be by her side (and any members side) if some shit went down. shes such a determined little thing too and when she has her eyes on something she goes for it no thinking abt it no questions asked she just does what she wants and thats something so impressive for a girl her age to be able to do. i feel like shes the type of person to just sit in the back and watch more than participate bc she doesnt mind if the other girls take the spotlight like shes such a chill, laid-back soul. i aspire to be like her. and shes so fucking funny really it’s almost criminal how hard she makes me laugh. ALSO she has the best reactions it’s a disgrace more than anything that i dont hav a folder of just her making stupid faces

haseul: the absolute love of my life? THE jo haseul?? theres a reason shes the member i latched onto the most at the beginning and ultimately kinda the member that tied me down to loona for good. like i was onboard w them from the get but it’s her that sealed the deal. i dont joke when i say she really is their guardian angel and no matter what u think of her in the comparison to the other girls u cant deny the fact that shes born leader material. she makes the other girls feel good and at-ease yknow. like she was always around vivi in the 1/3 loona tvs and u could tell it was like 2nd nature to her being by her side as vivi navigated her way through a country and language she wasnt all too familiar with. and like w/ yves for another example like yves if all facts check out was only w/ bbc for a three week period before they debuted her so obviously she wasnt familiar with any of the girls which is why she was so awkward at first. but haseul? bless her soul she did all that she could to make her feel at home. and she has such a beautiful voice i feel like not enough ppl praise her for it. also fuck yg for making her feel bad during mixnine she deserves the world and he can suck my big toe

yeojin: miss thang miss thang. what 2 say what 2 say. first things first shes a trooper. shes a baby i mean a lot of them are babies but yeojin is an actual baby baby i almost fainted when i learned how old she is. but despite her age shes so firm yknow. when shes doing things she wants to do them right to the best of her abilities and shes always striving to be better which is so admirable bc for me personally at that age i was a goddamn mess i couldnt be doing and juggling even a third of the shit she does. and shes right next to hyunjin when it comes to making me laugh shes just so loud and full of energy even 2 the point where i get tired watching her and im loud and full of energy but her being loud and being full of energy kicks my being loud and being full of energy in the ass. if any of that made sense. but theres never a dry eye in sight when shes in the room and u can tell shes such a joy 2 be around as much shit as the other girls give her lol i just feel real protective of her bc shes just so full of life and laughter and i just want her to be out here living her best life

vivi: it needs 2 be said that i have such high respect for any kpop idol who’s from another country bc theres just so much thats going against them. miss vivi is away from home away from her comfort space away from her friends and family away from a place where she can speak proficiently and fluently bc shes struggling to learn a new language and?? on top of that shes doing all the other standard idol stuff. thats some tough shit thats some scary shit but she takes it all on with a brave face and an open mind. and being able to slowly watch her build up more confidence in the language and basically everything else has been such an honor. like when im out here on my weak shit feeling sorry for myself i gotta think 2 myself what would miss vivi do? how would miss vivi tackle this? i lov this girl honestly i would die for her she does so much and i feel like not all of it is fully appreciated but she’ll have her moment i know she will and it’ll only be a matter of time before ppl see how amazing she is 

kim lip: giiiiiiiiirl. lip is such a strong person. like in all aspects. shes crazy talented it’s a little scary to think abt how much she’ll grow once they properly debut as a group and she gets more experience bc?? she just has so much going for her. her charisma is off the charts she can easily pull a crowd if her solo being a real big jumping point in spreading the loona name says anything at all. and shes such a good pick for the oec leader she definitely has those vibes like u just cant help but listen to her regardless of whatever bullshit she says and she says a lot of bullshit but do i liv by that bullshit and eat it up like shes spouting out the new testament u can bet ur ass i do. lip is definitely one of those girls that u cant help but be drawn to like u just want 2 be her bff bc once u remove her from the stage she has such girl next door vibes i feel like she’d be the type of girl u see in the club and u make small talk by the bar bc u made eye contact by accident and all of the sudden before u know it youve spent ur whole night w her and u hav her phone number and plans to meet up next week bc shes so friendly 

jinsoul: i make fun of her a lot. but w good reason: shes easy 2 make fun of. shes so quirky but not in the ironic way like shes really quirky and a bit of a walking disaster but it’s charming and she makes it work. even if shes not ur fav? shes still? kinda ur fav? even if u dont know it? if i made a list of some of my fav loona moments i assure u she’d be included in about 80% of it like shes such a staple to the group i really cant imagine her not being w them i mean i cant imagine the group w/o any of them but jinsoul especially. sometimes i watch loona vids knowing good and damn well shes not gonna be in them but i still end up thinking where is jinsoul?? bc not 2 speak for everybody (i will tho) but no one can get enough jinsoul. also her voice? i love it it’s one of my favs in not only loona but kpop in general. both speaking-wise and singing-wise. it’s just so pretty i really did astral project the first time i heard sitr & love letter. true out of body experiences 10/10 would recommend the yelp reviews are in shes 100% worth It. what is the It shes worth? idk but whatever It is .. shes worth It.

choerry: i just want her 2 be my little sister wow. miss yerim really has my heart. truly the embodiment of :) . shes so smily and has such a strong energy u cant help but like her. in every loona tv shes in shes making someone laugh or smile and it’s no coinkidink it’s bc shes really just that much of a ray of sunshine and u cant help but fall for her. give her some time i pledge w my life that once they debut she is going 2 shine on variety shows theres no way she wont. she has such good sense and shes so flexible. and if lcm is anything 2 go by shes able to switch it up and kill different concepts and sounds at the drop of a hat. def one to keep ur eye on bc u just know shes gonna go far in the future theres no way she wont she has all the tools in her arsenal to make it big no problem. does she resemble the annoying orange? yes and i’ll hate kim lip forever for putting that image in my head but that wont stop her shes truly a force to be reckoned with.

yves: my baby! u didnt hear this from me but i lov her a lot. she was kinda just thrown 2 the wolves w/ her three weeks of training i can only imagine how nerve wracking it must’ve been for her. here is an army of girls bbc has as potential loona members whove been training for years/knew the other girls who were already chosen as loona members/have even gone along for the ride with the chosen loona members to film their mvs and yet shes the one who was picked to be added after three weeks of her being w the company. three weeks !!! thats a lot of pressure but despite that she gave us everything she got. she was real nervous in the beginning anyone could tell when u watched her loona tv arc but she got over it and by the time chuu’s arc rolled around she was joking around w/ the others like it was nothing. shes so funny too but in an awkward way. like she doesnt mean to be but she says and does shit that makes u ?? and u cant help but laugh. her gig with marishe? i have never seen anything funnier like that bitch really took 100+ photos all w the same face and w the same three poses if that’s not talent idk what is. and i dont think it’s been confirmed in writing yet but shes gonna be such a good leader for the eden unit i feel it in my bones 

chuu: when i tell u my heart has skipped a beat over this girl. im not saying it 2 be dramatic im deadass. my heart has skipped a beat multiple times watching her whether it be a fancam or a loona tv or even a selfie. i’ve watched that little instagram update of her in her pig onesie more times than i want 2 disclose. her voice???? oh my god im in love with it. shes such a strong singer like STRONG and u can hear that in heart attack and girl’s talk and see saw but if u listen to her covers shes done before being introduced as a member it’s like !!!!! wow. and she makes a lot of noises. like just incoherent sounds and its so cute i could cry. like i dont have the attention span 2 sit and watch a vlive if it’s not subbed … but i’d do it for her just bc i love hearing her talk i love her voice on any and all levels u could love someones voice. and all her little mannerisms are adorable and this could really turn into me typing a whole mla formatted essay on how i find her 2 be one of the cutest girls in the world but i’ll spare u. and ofc shes not just cute like i said before this girl is talented and i cant wait for loona to grow as a group so she can be on bigger and bigger platforms for more and more ppl to hear her sing bc thats just how it should be

gowon: i lov her i lov her i lov her!! i’d do just about anything for this girl if she asked but i feel like regardless of who u are u wouldnt be able to refuse her even if u wanted to. i latch onto every word she says everything she says is gold. shes so giggly and a lot of that giggling is bc she probably feels awkward but it’s still real cute. shes also lowkey highkey gotta mouth on her like she’ll really come for ppls throats if she feels it’s necessary and thats beautiful to me. she doesnt get enough credit but as pretty as she is more attention should be focused on her talents bc she is a talented girl. her vocal tone is high and ‘cute’ but i think it melds so well w/ the other girls’ voices and theres a lot of opportunity there if and when they decide to create new sub-units/have more duet songs. and my girl can dance im tired of ppl overlooking her bc?? her pre-debut vids are a little stiff ye but theres so much potential there shes such a gem and i cant wait for her to grow more bc i know theres so much she could be doing w/ what she has

olivia hye: when she said love myself today let u go today? i felt that

[system-architect]

Am i allowed 2 ask t4 for all of them.....

yOU ARE....... god............... T4 is a fun one to answer questions for because its a mixture of T4 headcanons and arkk himself headcanons

♥ - What does ‘love’ mean to them? hhJGKHD he’s...... Very Inexperienced with love so i think he’s still figuring that out............. the general concept of love is an exciting but very alien thing for him... i think he mostly just associates it w/ buzzy excited feelings and affection in general but still has yet to chew on deeper meanings

♠ - What are they afraid of? A Lot............................ god..... destabilizing, having his loop reset, never gettin out of Mists Hell Cage, and despite being aware that he’s an echo i think he’s still fearful he’ll like. never see his mom again or save her... i think he still wants that on some level

♦ - What is one thing about them that they are most proud of? he’s arkk.. he’s very proud of his Immense Intelligence and Immeasurable Genius and Undeniable Prowess........... additionally! weirdly proud of the innate stubbornness he inherited even if he won’t necessarily admit that he’s stubborn. but it’s gotten him through a lot of shit

♣ - What is one thing that they find embarrassing? (About them, others, things in general) t4/arkk is a Sore Fuckin Loser god i can see him turning beet red whenever tourists thwart him in fractals... and then lashin out with snark and overkill in reaction to his own embarrassment....... i think he also gets sort of embarrassed about his own shortcomings or moments where he’s more weak-willed than he wants to be... i think he goes through cycles where he flings himself at something pretty hard and doesn’t quite succeed and gets gloomy and embarrassed about it and then comes back to go at it again at least twice as hard

★ - Do they prefer daytime or nighttime and why? i think in general arkk prefers nighttime bc edgy BUT t4 just.. misses Both at this point. nightmare frac has no discernable time, his lab in SO is In Space and has no discernable time but glaring bright sun mismatched with The Void, and his and t3s chaos isles was and is day on one side and night on the other. the lack of flowing linear time and lack of proper solar/lunar cycles for sleep purposes is driving him really stir crazy by this point i think

☾- Are they prone to nightmares or dreamless sleep? both...... for reasons above and then also bc of anxiety/trauma/etc i think he often gets pretty terrible sleep and struggles with it a good bit

☼ - Something that/Someone who makes them happy. OH BOY all of the answers to this are Sappy.......... it’d take a lot to get him to openly admit it (yes) but t3 is definitely a.. welcomed presence and has helped him out a lot mentally and whatnot........ also simon is forever his beautiful lovely son and best pal whomst he is exceedingly protective of even though the simon in these boys’ canon belongs 2 t3.................... also, begrudgingly, he sort of enjoys the DDR-X’s presence. sort of. even though it’s a GIR-esque atrocity

☁ - If they’re caught out in the rain how do they react? im nnnot sure abt original arkk but i think at this point t4 wouldn’t wanna go inside honestly... he’d just. stand out there in it. he really misses Weather (the snowblind section of chaos isles doesn’t count)... i can see him finding rain very reassuring and soothing

♪ - Are they musically inclined? absolutely fuckin not

♫ - What kind of music do they enjoy? dubstep.. nightcore.. u kno... the works..

✓ - How do they react to praise? he’s absolutely fuckin thirsty for that sweet sweet praise and acknowledgement and gratification........................ he feels he Deserves it and acts that way all pompously at least outwardly but i think a bit more on the inside he gets a bit starry-eyed and just a tad.. like... ‘anime girl pushing her pinkies together’ esque............... he’s not gonna Admit That tho

✕ - How do they handle rejection? NOT WELL........... it definitely can depend on what the individual situation is but when it comes to stuff like “no, you can’t use inquest resources for that” “arkk no don’t rip a hole in the mists” “no you cant eat the last can of pringles” “hey no you shouldn’t attach that kind of laser to that kind of battery--” he has a very hard time taking no for an answer and is probably gonna get pissed and do what he wants to anyway and very aggressively do so in your face orrr slink off and do it behind ur back depending.. arkk/t4 does what arkk/t4 wants and thats the end of that

☺ - Do they prefer sour or sweet treats? i think he’s pretty blissfully neutral and will eat absolutely any junk food/candy you shove at him...... i can see him preferring slightly more sour stuff sometimes but that doesn’t mean he won’t stuff his face with chocolate either

❄ -  Favorite season and why? he just wants Any Season back........... tho im gonna say spring and autumn because that’s when u can get weather where u can wear a tank top outside without being too uncomfy in a binder and also Con Season u kno?????????????

☮ - Do they have an idol or someone they look up to? his mom is the obvious answer here!! but also.. he is indeed, unfortunately, a bit of a Scarlet Fanboy.. despite her wrecking shit and all that he can’t help but find her inventions super fascinating

❤ - Do they have a love interest? HMM

✖ - Who is someone they just cannot stand? gOD him and t3 sort of go at it constantly don’t they... but at the end of the day they’re Totally BFFs so i guess that doesn’t count huh...................................... i think rather than specific people he’s still always gonna be salty at Fractal Explorers Tourists.... regardless of them being hired by dessa or w/e... t4 in particular now too.. now that he’s aware that he’s actually a mists being/echo, on top of bein the son of the woman who literally created the fractals, he views the fractals and by extension the mists as sort of his Birthright almost... he really despises the tourists storming in and resetting other echoes’ loops and not allowing them to Live Out Their Lives and just.. causing endless pain over and over especially considering that fractal portal was originally established by the consortium who he undoubtedly loathes, presuming he’s aware of that............

♔ - Do they value loyalty? i think this is kinda hard to answer bc like.. who doesn’t??? i think arkk in general is a sort of lone wolf type who actually doesn’t generally like other people meddling in his work much and doesn’t quite enjoy having to rely on other people/have ppl be loyal 2 him, judging by his remarks at the brazen gladiator and about his.. probably inquest??? krewe in his journal entries and then ofc all the snark at the party during nightmare frac (though he had a lot of personal salt material involving batteries that motivated that).. i think he’s less of a “if ur loyal to me we’ll be Buddies and get things done together >:)” type and more of a “well i need you unfortunately so do what i say and do it well and we won’t have a problem and i guess i’ll owe you one, but stay out of my way after that” type..... he doesn’t enjoy involving other people in his plans and would rather do things himself especially to ensure it doesn’t get Mucked Up by someone else’s foolishness...... so i guess to that extent no he actually doesn’t ppparticularly value loyalty and won’t treat you special for adhering to his plans; for him adhering to his plans and then getting tf out is just the baseline performance you should be giving him

HOWEVER t4 is a bit of a special case because he does have t3 and despite all their bickering he values t3s cooperation a lot and is really optimistic about their partnership. i mean cmon.. TWO arkks! twice the brilliance! the ability to always be on the same page and not have to deal with the tragic shortsightedness and insurmountable ineptitude of not-arkk underlings! loyalty isn’t still quite a factor but he appreciates that they’re both on the same page on everything

♕ - Do they trust easily? hhghhrrhg no probably not...... he’s probably a bit bitter towards other people in general and closes himself off easily and doesn’t want them involved in his business

[t--o--f--u-blog]

☼☼☼☼☼ also think tank a white lecturer using the n-word when quoting literature in a lecture? I think she used it once outside of quotation as well certainly not meant in a disrespectful way, just seems unnecessary

☐☐☐☐☐ better have a justification at least but if you just use it out of the blue it always seems like some attempt at provocation 'i can say this because my interests are purely academic'

☼☼☼☼☼ mmmmm we're reading uncle tom's cabin, so it's hard to avoid

☐☐☐☐☐ should only be quoted verbatim if absolutely necessary, if there's no alternative I think

☼☼☼☼☼ yeah seems like she could have avoided it pretty easily

☐☐☐☐☐ if she's making no acknowledgement of the word's relationship to her privilege, that's rly not good

☼☼☼☼☼ yeah she's older so there might just be an outdated perspective there 'I'm just quoting the text, it was anti-slavery so I'm fine' sort of mentality maybe?

☐☐☐☐☐ still she would know about the contemporary attitude to the word and she should at least mention that! ugh like it doesn't sound malicious or super super racist, but eh

☼☼☼☼☼ Yeah I feel iffffy about it

☐☐☐☐☐ should mention it!

☼☼☼☼☼ Trying to work out if I should send email and if so how to word it

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ be interesting to actually properly discuss it

☐☐☐☐☐ yep

☍☍☍☍☍ heck I’d be interested to know more of a history of the word basically teach properly why its offensive

☼☼☼☼☼ Yeah, I might bring it up in the tutorial different teacher, but maybe good discussion

☐☐☐☐☐ mm that seems appropriate i'd love to hear how that goes

☍☍☍☍☍ uhhh there was someone who used it at Bar Oussou  the host reallllly should’ve said something and I normally would but just too tired for confrontation

☼☼☼☼☼ Yeah ☐☐☐☐☐ was telling me Sounded very cringe

☐☐☐☐☐ v unfortunate most disappointed in yhe host tbh

☐☐☐☐☐ he maybe had a old-worldy attitude to it and didn't mind or was too cowardly lol which do u think?

☍☍☍☍☍ I think he thought it was in the context of the poem she didn’t use it to degrade someone directly, but the word itself is degrading

☐☐☐☐☐ ugh but the poem is in the context of fuckin oussou yep ppl need to have a think before using words

☍☍☍☍☍ I just think its great to have a stage to do emotional work, but it can cross a line into normalising shitty white behaviour

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ I went to a coloured school so I can’t b racist wah wah wah

☐☐☐☐☐ and you have to consider your audience if your rant is dehumanising or brushes aside/causes suffering u gotta reconsider felt pretty ashamed on behalf of bartender/various black audience members not saying that dumb white shit would be acceptable with a different audience, but her obliviousness was kinda astounding

☼☼☼☼☼ wow yeah cringefest

☍☍☍☍☍ lol spoken word scene as a whole can b so lame haha rings true to why I/we left

☐☐☐☐☐ mm so macho! that's what I liked about talkbox some sensitivity there, gentleness

☍☍☍☍☍ still, I just wish people read more lok *lol

☐☐☐☐☐ yep I wish I read more

☍☍☍☍☍ like the stylistic range is generally pretty lame

☐☐☐☐☐ I guess that's why anyone reads mmm

☍☍☍☍☍ I wish I read more too

☐☐☐☐☐ hahahaha

☼☼☼☼☼ :')

☍☍☍☍☍ don’t mean to shit on everyon, I just think the scene as a whole and the conception of poetry is lacklustre - it doesn’t seem like the time for poetry, sometimes

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ ppl too distracted by netflix uwu sounds like phones but too much

☐☐☐☐☐ doesn't seem like the time for art, sometimes! hahhh

☍☍☍☍☍ its definitely a time for music

☼☼☼☼☼ I think there's a place for poetry It's just raps and memes

☍☍☍☍☍ yeh but I play dat long game there might not b a place now but I’mma fkn make one whether you like it or not lol

☼☼☼☼☼ Oh yeah fair go 4 it

☐☐☐☐☐ loll

☍☍☍☍☍ I just mean that I think 'poetry' has evolved into other forms, and now the traditional form is struggling to find a place I mean does anyone pay attention to Victorian satirical cartoons? I don’t I think it’s also tho that the low brow is more apparent in the moment, the high brow more apparent from a distance the shit sinks, basically

☼☼☼☼☼ elaborate?

☍☍☍☍☍ time brings forward higher brow material while a lot of lower brow stuff falls back or like there’s an art for getting through your days, and there’s an art for elaborate long form spiritual liberation

☼☼☼☼☼ so u don't mind about a lack of audience now if your work has staying power?

☍☍☍☍☍ different works have different digestion time and yes that is what I’m saying

☼☼☼☼☼ hmmmmmmm

☍☍☍☍☍ hmmmmmmmm?

☐☐☐☐☐ personally I don't know whether I'm prioritising the reception of my work or its value to me right now i feel poetry/art in general are useful tools for thinking about the world useful philosophical tools i guess and idk whether i'm learning for the sake of my own knowledge/making 'better' art or learning so what I put out into the world is better received I suppose the two aren't mutually exclusive but yeah - feeling fairly indifferent to the idea of creating work that will persist right now part of me feels more comfortable with being lost forever lol or at least that I should become comfortable with that, bc that is what will happen inevitably

☍☍☍☍☍ I just think in this atmosphere of complete denial of the arts as an important component of society, as well as the stigmatisation of ritual and other mystical practices that used to house what we now might describe as an artist, its important that we follow our intuition rather than give in to a system that routinely prevents us having access to basic resources like I want to be there for whoever is there when this period comes to end and those peoples are looking for anything to rudder them, whether or not I’m alive

☐☐☐☐☐ you want to add to the cultural record?

☍☍☍☍☍ I want provide a map for future generations is how I would put it

☐☐☐☐☐ mm how do you feel one can ensure the persistence of their own work? or are you just hoping it'll be around for others I suppose whether or not anything lasts is out of ur control past a certain point

☍☍☍☍☍ for one I make an effort to give away a lot of work

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ I also store it all and make sure that that stockpile is kept w care but I also think there’s something to be said that I try and operate within many pre-existing canons I also it’s important to use the more meme-y, short stay work to bring attention to the slower works yeah, re: canons, like tanka and before that wakka as poetic forms stem back as far as a thousand years - perhaps more by putting myself in conversation with the ancients... idk it feels a bit like entering a cultural refrigerator haha

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ sometimes I find it better to see my individual works as modules that make up a whole more prescient than its parts (Morton lolz) soo... maybe my work won’t carry the same weight until I finish, so to speak who knowsss but this how I think about it lol

☐☐☐☐☐ best to try and contribute something I spose rather than do nothing w ur resources

☍☍☍☍☍ I’m weird with this shit u don’t have to be

☐☐☐☐☐ mm it seems fairly simple to me and not that weird

☍☍☍☍☍ not everyone should spend their life tending their gravestone it’s a job for a particular type of person, and I am it

☐☐☐☐☐ but in a sense everyone does anyway everyone does things with the future in mind or without it in mind I suppose

☐☐☐☐☐ and i guess that influences what you leave when you die eheh, whether you do it consciously or unconsciously

☍☍☍☍☍ I just am particularly stubborn that I have something to offer - I think its partially a result of being denied that a lot in school, I found other ways to have social bonds that were more... non linear bonds with past peoples, and inadvertently bonds with future people

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ I find it frustrating that its seen as arrogant to suggest your work should be read after you die - if anything its remarkably humble as I'm acknowledging that I will never properly see the fruits of my labour it's a ridiculously isolating position to find oneself in, where your best friends - books, music, content - have no form of human intimacy with you and completely defy all survivalistic, lizard-brain humanity plus you're just on a total different dimension from most people you meet

☐☐☐☐☐ mm you're in a very specific position here

☍☍☍☍☍ lol goodluck catching up ☼☼☼☼☼

☼☼☼☼☼ unrelated btw

(☼☼☼☼☼ posts a meme in chat)

☍☍☍☍☍ see y'all @ da rally (in reference to the meme)

☐☐☐☐☐ where and when is this? oh oops thought you meant a real one

☼☼☼☼☼ hahaha

☍☍☍☍☍ xD

☼☼☼☼☼ structurally is the meme ok ? took the photo the other day, and just added the text.

☍☍☍☍☍ yes are u going to weigh in on the conversation tho lol

☼☼☼☼☼ nah not really

☍☍☍☍☍ meme fine

☼☼☼☼☼ I have so little to add

☍☍☍☍☍ well hm why make memes? why not write novel? do memes have staying power?

☐☐☐☐☐ it's a question of what timescale is important to you at any given time maybe

☍☍☍☍☍ oh absolutely - not trying to infer a hierarchy here, I just think there are different approaches for different problems

☐☐☐☐☐ sometimes I'll say something to someone so they'll remember it for tomorrow, sometimes I'll say something to someone and hope they'll remember forever lol mm I don't think I care about staying power that much

☐☐☐☐☐ memes have such a short lifetime, they're like cultural mayflies haha

☼☼☼☼☼ Yeah defs

☍☍☍☍☍ why tho lol

☼☼☼☼☼ Because the art itself can date while still inspiring change

☍☍☍☍☍ yeah so using it pragmatically like a single use tissue

☼☼☼☼☼ If you create something short lived, it (with the help of other artists producing similar work) is able to push art and society in a specific direction The butterfly effect I guess

☍☍☍☍☍ it's true that you have more effect in the current conversation

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ but that conversation draws intensively on a language formed by the ancients so the two are dependent on each other, a back and forth

☐☐☐☐☐ and that's dependent on their work's longevity?

☍☍☍☍☍ not following ur question

☐☐☐☐☐ not following your point haha hmm

☼☼☼☼☼ so you're suggesting a works longevity is crucial in that it helps reinforce and update the ancient language in which short term work of the future will be influenced by?

☐☐☐☐☐ mm also - what if of all the work you make, it's only a meme that survives the passage of time?

☍☍☍☍☍ basically... like you're just reiterating points that have been made more in depth in 'higher' brow culture - that's definitely how I feel when writing raps

☐☐☐☐☐ like Roman graffiti surviving on the walls or whatever

☍☍☍☍☍ did you a hear copy of the I Ching, the Chinese numerology classic more than a thousand years old, was found in the 70s and had a heap more sections and a different order? effectively completely changing the understanding of the I Ching gotta get those nice lead storage chambers ayyyyy ahahaha it was found buried in a coffin, obvs haha

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ a lot of Chinese philosophers only exist in so much as someone else described them

☼☼☼☼☼ But what does that changing of contexts of that piece actually mean for us? Is updated Ching from the coffin helping us in any way?

☍☍☍☍☍ I think for me finding the I Ching and looking over it is like a person in a thousand years finding a functional iPhone it gives great insight into human impulses regardless of time and offers a way of writing the past a new, which in turn presents a new future (thinking of the cowboy article you sent me) reconceptualizing the past IS the future look at 'Make America Great Again' or calls to restore the caliphate both are founded on histories that have more to do with our current state than the actual happenings of the past

☼☼☼☼☼ I do see where you're coming from I like the idea that it's important to preserve our work for understand the past better And I hope that someone in the future will have a clearer understanding of our time through your well preserved works But what fucking future is it

☍☍☍☍☍ haha but like looking back we see people been asking that for a veeery long time I get it seems on a new scale but we're on a new scale too

☼☼☼☼☼ It does seem that yes Also if we do survive and keep on teching on

☍☍☍☍☍ I'm for an integration of the human/natural binary where we properly acknowledge our mutual codependency, the earth and humanity that is

☼☼☼☼☼ Are we even going to be translatable? Is the functioning iPhone found by the future person going to even be able to be translated? Or will it be meaningless because everyone is already part of the grid

☍☍☍☍☍ where artificially effecting the climate for the benefit of 'nature' isn't seen as strange but completely akin to Aboriginal burn back practices

☐☐☐☐☐ i guess it's productive to hope that it will be translatable

☍☍☍☍☍ we've always interfered in the running of nature

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ ehhh idk we translated fucking hieroglyphics

☼☼☼☼☼ Or future tech can look into the past and someone is watching our lives as we type this now, constantly being understood through our context in a way we can't comprehend through our recording processes shrugs

☍☍☍☍☍ I mean yeah, imagine if the internet was even vaguely archived

☼☼☼☼☼ You probably have a better understanding of how the future will pan out than I do tho

☍☍☍☍☍ even if 0.1 % was kept, it would be a massive resource

☼☼☼☼☼ No sass intended there, I'm sincere

☍☍☍☍☍ lol idk I just try to see a bigger picture and it keeps me calm remember me old saying? we survived the plague and nukes lol

☼☼☼☼☼ I just don't see the issue with creating short term work, especially if it is preserved

☍☍☍☍☍ oh neither do I

☼☼☼☼☼ Like a meme may have more impact than a novel rn

☐☐☐☐☐ well it could be argued that we're yet to survive nukes but I see your point impact on various timescales

☼☼☼☼☼ I've heard the plague make be thinking of making a comeback too haha

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ oh duh peasantry is fully hip rn

☐☐☐☐☐ but like

☍☍☍☍☍ bring back the boils, they look great with my Balenciaga sneakers

☐☐☐☐☐ lol bubonic chic

☼☼☼☼☼ Pretty close to heroin chic tbh haha

☍☍☍☍☍ not jking that was tb

☐☐☐☐☐ but like, I don't find a huge amount of solace in the fact that we survived the plague

☍☍☍☍☍ "The Victorians romanticized the disease and the effects it caused in the gradual build to death. For decades, many beauty standards emulated or highlighted these effects. And as scientists gained greater understanding of the disease and how it was spread, the disease continued to keep its hold on fashion. and the severity of the corsets was known to harm the lungs in such a way that would increase the likelihood of transmission LOOOL

☐☐☐☐☐ mm Balenciaga look out idk it's a question of what capacity we survive in

☼☼☼☼☼ lollllll

☐☐☐☐☐ quite depressing to think about

☍☍☍☍☍ eating disorders have a pretense

☐☐☐☐☐ what if ecocide leaves a few insular eco fascist regimes who gradually diminish over centuries always engaged in pointless wars of attrition with one another lol

☍☍☍☍☍ I mean you could probably say the same thing of colonial regimes now

☐☐☐☐☐ just because we can survive, doesn't mean my outlook should b at all rosy :((

☍☍☍☍☍ point is its a big ol' world that has plenty of room for pain AND love any future pain you think is imminent probably already is happening, and nonetheless breakfast tasted good this morning

☼☼☼☼☼ 'The hipster middle class would dress with raggedy beards and large jackets and refuse to use deodorant, perhaps to reflect the look of people suffering from homelessness at the time. It is suspected that this made them less likely to be hired, and therefore more likely to become homeless themselves.'  ☍☍☍☍☍ ahahaha

☐☐☐☐☐ mm that's true hahhh

☼☼☼☼☼ Planning on making this into a full essay. Might not be popular now, but I think it has staying power? Soz for shitposting haha

☍☍☍☍☍ I was talking with ☲☲☲☲☲ a while back, and something struck me - she said, "I never thought this age would have its own fleet of particular medical conditions." (or something like that lol, translated via my nerd brain)

☼☼☼☼☼ Yeah that didn't quite sound like her But that sentiment is great

☍☍☍☍☍ 'fleet'

☼☼☼☼☼ In that ofc there is, but also wow yeah ofc!

☐☐☐☐☐ mmm hahh these conversations should be recorded so we can all think about em without scrolling up endlessly

☼☼☼☼☼ I do like the idea of people reading these works in the future tho

☐☐☐☐☐ and also so that they can be preserved for 10,000+ years of course

☼☼☼☼☼ In the same way we read the letters sent between dead artists now

☐☐☐☐☐ mm very true

☍☍☍☍☍ mmm

☐☐☐☐☐ messenger is not a particularly stable storage medium and also is more vulnerable to third party scrutiny although the fact we're reading artists letters now means that medium is also pretty fucking vulnerable to scrutiny lol

☍☍☍☍☍ I fucking found the word! (sorry was searching for it so hard) Neurasthenia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurasthenia

☼☼☼☼☼ Americanitis lol

☍☍☍☍☍ uhh the page doesn't rly talk about this, but its like a condition of over-working effectively, and people would try and get prescribed the pills to treat it as a way of signalling they were a dedicated worker its total hokey

☐☐☐☐☐ wow yeah you mentioned this a while back

☼☼☼☼☼ oh I've heard a similar thing in Japan were workers will pretend to fall asleep at their desks to show how hard they're working No idea the trust behind it tho

☍☍☍☍☍ to this day, "In Japan, shinkei-suijaku is treated with Morita therapy involving mandatory rest and isolation, followed by progressively more difficult work, and a resumption of a previous social role. The diagnosis is sometimes used as a disguise for serious mental illnesses such as schizophrenia and mood disorders." a dignified mental illness uwu none of that lower class shit I'm a classy fuck with money, I don't get the same mental conditions as the poor lolol reminds me of now: I don't have shitty parents, I just have adhd (not to deligitimise all uses of adhd, just over diagnosed)

☼☼☼☼☼ mmmmm i feel u yes this has been a wild ride

☍☍☍☍☍ yes I’m leaving to get late lunch uwu have a good day in this cosmic spider web lololol

☼☼☼☼☼ :')

☍☍☍☍☍ Like the burning of this charcoal fire, our years too will soon expire Kobayashi Issa listening to Krista Tippet talk with Maria Popova, this particular phrase resonated with our conversation: we live in a world where disruption over-fetishised; we need cultural stewardship to help along new waves of disruption

☼☼☼☼☼ How would u define cultural stewardship in a practical sense?

☍☍☍☍☍ caring for the legacy of those past as a means of refreshing their insight for a new age a very straightforward example would b the importance of new translations, in this regard - as our understanding and depth of connection to Japanese society has deepened, so too have our translations dusting off the books so to speak in some sense I see that in our music too or reappropriating to a new context

☼☼☼☼☼ Well remasters are a time terry literal example Fuck

☍☍☍☍☍ time terry

☼☼☼☼☼ Pretty* not time terry lol

☼☼☼☼☼ lime berry yeah exactly

☼☼☼☼☼ Slime Jerry

☍☍☍☍☍ I mean rereleasing is an obvs example mhm but more abstract examples are how I’ve exported into both your brains Bridle/Steyerl/Haraway via conversation and art lolol I’m helping it move from one place to another same w Zappa lol

☐☐☐☐☐ also - looking after artist friends being generous I feel these are acts of pre-emptive cultural stewardship

☍☍☍☍☍ haha yeah definitely different time scales it could function on

☐☐☐☐☐ looking after and maintain communities

☍☍☍☍☍ hosting open mics lol helping teach ppl poetry lollll

☐☐☐☐☐ not allowing hate speech to creep into open mics lol

☼☼☼☼☼ Truuuuu Or anywhere for that matter

☐☐☐☐☐ not becoming so dusty that you actually have a detrimental impact on cultural progression

☍☍☍☍☍ I think religions only exist in so far as they have active practitioners

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☼☼☼☼☼ Tru

☍☍☍☍☍ I think my sense is, in religion, this same argument plays out with orthodoxy versus mysticism Maintenance of buildings is in there too for religion People being assigned paid positions as the keepers and givers of religious knowledge oh yeah thinking a lot here of Shanzai, ☐☐☐☐☐, and the idea of an object as a lived practice

☐☐☐☐☐ when home I'm gonna do my best to archive this conversation mmm

☍☍☍☍☍ you’re going to steward our conversation bout stewardship ...

☐☐☐☐☐ this is all going in

☍☍☍☍☍ ...the tv where I am says “The comedian getting behind ‘Know Thy Nuts’” and there are big walnuts on the screen

☐☐☐☐☐ ???????

☍☍☍☍☍ “I didn’t realise chemotherapy would be such great comedic material!”

☐☐☐☐☐ ¿¿¿¿¿¿

☼☼☼☼☼ Huhhhh

☍☍☍☍☍ lol highly recommend https://itunes.apple.com/au/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?mt=2&i=1000429408054https://itunes.apple.com/au/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?mt=2&i=1000429408054

[katedoesntexist]

Stay-at-home journal 9/3/20

Yesterday:

Worked

Just looked at random stuff in the internet bc i did not have energy for anything else

Today:

Work

Idk skies the limit. Kinda.

Free space:

Forgot to write one of these yesterday bc i started to then deleted it. Oops.

Hopefully work goes by fast today. I have the next three week days off and im very excited about it. To have the time and energy for things wow what a concept. Also, works been stressing me out bc i feel like im struggling even tho i know others would have an even harder time. Its setting that bar so high but not being able to lower it.

We started composting yesterday! Ive been wanting to forever and we finally did all the research and got some plastic bin. So its all set up and we can start using it. And in the spring we'll have some nice soil if all goes well.

Speaking of research, idk if can truly convey HOW much research my partner does when he gets interested in a thing. It makes it hard for me to talk abt stuff to others bc they want to give advice (which usually i love bc its fun to talk abt new common interests), but every time i have to be like "well actually the way we're doing it works bc of this" and i come off sounding like a know it all bc im disagreeing w their advice (espec when their advice is actually a misconception or old wives tale that's been proven false) or weve already solutioned a thing they said to look out for. This ends up being espec draining when its someone without first hand experience, like "ive heard..." Like yeah im sure you have, ive heard that too plus a buuuunch of other info. Idk this is a dumb gripe and its pretty lowkey. But still. Pls just trust me when i say we've got it figured out, thx.

Ive realized i do A LOT of pre-emptive worrying abt what others are going to think and say. It prevents me from speaking sometimes, for fear of backlash. Yes, as a mature adult you do need to do some level of consideration when you speak, but im talking like imagining ppl treat you in a way they never would, inventing false scenarios. feeling defensive without even saying anything.

I think the theme of todays post is that i put a lot of undo pressure on myself to the point that it becomes unrealistic and no longer mirrors actual potential outcomes. Too high expectations at work, disappointment in myself when i dont have energy for creative tasks, social pressure holding conversations, tailoring what i post and how i interact online somewhat out of fear. Im rly making life stressful for myself. And as usual, even when i am aware of an issue like this, doesnt make it magically go away. Makes me wonder how itd go if i went to therapy. Would i just get annoyed bc i already know the things abt myself im supposed to come to realize? Or would they help me w solutions? Idk. Like i said tho, the bar is set too high.