#i could pseudo psycho analyze myself way deeper than this and have and do

[katedoesntexist]

Stay-at-home journal 9/3/20

Yesterday:

Worked

Just looked at random stuff in the internet bc i did not have energy for anything else

Today:

Work

Idk skies the limit. Kinda.

Free space:

Forgot to write one of these yesterday bc i started to then deleted it. Oops.

Hopefully work goes by fast today. I have the next three week days off and im very excited about it. To have the time and energy for things wow what a concept. Also, works been stressing me out bc i feel like im struggling even tho i know others would have an even harder time. Its setting that bar so high but not being able to lower it.

We started composting yesterday! Ive been wanting to forever and we finally did all the research and got some plastic bin. So its all set up and we can start using it. And in the spring we'll have some nice soil if all goes well.

Speaking of research, idk if can truly convey HOW much research my partner does when he gets interested in a thing. It makes it hard for me to talk abt stuff to others bc they want to give advice (which usually i love bc its fun to talk abt new common interests), but every time i have to be like "well actually the way we're doing it works bc of this" and i come off sounding like a know it all bc im disagreeing w their advice (espec when their advice is actually a misconception or old wives tale that's been proven false) or weve already solutioned a thing they said to look out for. This ends up being espec draining when its someone without first hand experience, like "ive heard..." Like yeah im sure you have, ive heard that too plus a buuuunch of other info. Idk this is a dumb gripe and its pretty lowkey. But still. Pls just trust me when i say we've got it figured out, thx.

Ive realized i do A LOT of pre-emptive worrying abt what others are going to think and say. It prevents me from speaking sometimes, for fear of backlash. Yes, as a mature adult you do need to do some level of consideration when you speak, but im talking like imagining ppl treat you in a way they never would, inventing false scenarios. feeling defensive without even saying anything.

I think the theme of todays post is that i put a lot of undo pressure on myself to the point that it becomes unrealistic and no longer mirrors actual potential outcomes. Too high expectations at work, disappointment in myself when i dont have energy for creative tasks, social pressure holding conversations, tailoring what i post and how i interact online somewhat out of fear. Im rly making life stressful for myself. And as usual, even when i am aware of an issue like this, doesnt make it magically go away. Makes me wonder how itd go if i went to therapy. Would i just get annoyed bc i already know the things abt myself im supposed to come to realize? Or would they help me w solutions? Idk. Like i said tho, the bar is set too high.