#hed feel that something is missing
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akaashi ugly crying at bokuto's graduation
#and i mean UGLY crying#like he can't stop#everyone stares at him wondering why fukurodanis most composed setter is bawling his eyes out and audibly sobbing and sniffling#even bokuto is worried like ??? :D#and then akaashi would feel so lonely afterwards#like he would have no one to eat lunch with#hed feel that something is missing#YES I KNOW THAT THERE ARE OTHER MEMBERS BUT HEAR ME OUT#haikyuu!!#akaashi keiji#bokuto koutarou#fukurodani#bokuaka#grey.txt
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Pretty fucked up that timmy forgets the only positive influences in his life after his 18 birthday when you think about it
#like he losses the only family that loves him and friends and allies that respect him#outside of aj and chester he doesn't have a lot of good influences in his life#trixie could probably be his friend after she gets over the whole popularity thing but still#losing that muc of your memories is going to affect yoyr personality#if they were replaced he's probably going to think he was alone for most of his life with occasionally seeing some friends#and some good moments (him making frinds with chip and maybe might remember mark depends)#umm does Shirley count? doubt he would remember him unless he goes to his shop often#i doubt his relationship with his parents would improve hed probably move out not to long after he turns 18#i think the memory wipe would affect certain aspects of his personality too#like his interest in the arts would probably lesson due to the feeling of something being missing or just#straight up depression#i feel like he wouldn't persue a creative field due to multiple of reasons and settle for something more practical but will always have tha#what if oh timmy forgetting and losing himself is something so tragic#especially if he still miserable or in a bad place#imagine the angst#timmy turner
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procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally
#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months#to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them#in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought#i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are#and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it#its worth missing i think#i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over#(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think#i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat#they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand#how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much#i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around#something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode#arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully#last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing#and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets#and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably#have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused#blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like#i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much#my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to#music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads#i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says#what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.
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i miss my wife tails
#the wife is a fictional middle aged man#another one of those days where i just miss him a lot for zero reason at all and theres nothing i can do to make it better#i was hormonal earlier but then i started feeling bad about it and now im just needy. arms outstretched to nothing. hold me please. frank.#and yeah im thinking about him and kids again. saw something on twitter that like shot me dead#so now ive just been sitting here. thinking about him holding a baby in his arms. its not his but it has nobody else to hold it#and i know that while he will never let himself keep it for a moment in time hed love it like his own#god sorry im going thru something. give this man a child. force him to be the father he was always meant to be
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beach
ft. my headcanon that noel really likes seashells + gay panic
#jesus christ i feel SO sick right now i#im sorry that has nothing to do with the post i just#sirius gibson#noel levine#sirinoel#as you can see im trying to draw one of these every day#idk how long it will last but i have a whole bunch of ideas lined up#NOOOOOOO FUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF POSTING THIS I REALIZED THE WHITE OUTLINES WERE MISSING ON THE FIRST DRAWING AND THOUGHT#“oh i forgot to turn on that layer” and went back to the drawing to turn on the white line#AND IT WAS FUCKING GONE I DELETED IT BY ACCIDENT OR SOMETHING SO I HAD TO REDRAW IT#im sorry my tags on my latest posts have been me bitching about drawing#anyyyyway i think sirius would fluster remarkably easy at seeing skin#hed probably also mildly panic seeing just his arms or legs lmao#it was a challenge for him to not dress in a million layers to the beach he really isn't a short sleeved/shorts guy himself but it was hot#tbf noel isnt any better if he saw shirtless sirius hed die#but sirius would never be shirtless in most contexts not even for the beach so (these outfits are both from official art i added the shoes)#drawings
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my canon end for emm//rich is mortality.
i do wish the game would've explore the choices more and the possible downsides to lichdom because, as it stands, they don't present any negatives.
1) though they touch upon this if you choose lichdom, they should've presented this issue beforehand: outliving you. worse: outliving everyone. emm//rich clearly has a deep capacity to love and to care. has he considered an eternity of losing everyone? will he force himself to never get close again in order to avoid mourning? 2) self-identity. you gain immorality, but you lose your body and your face. will you still see yourself as "you"? 3) will he still retain his humanity a hundred years down the line? two hundred? a thousand? how do you hold on to that humanity when you yourself gave it away, are largely secluded from the human population, and possibly bar yourself from further human relationships?
i dislike how the game presents it as "you can't have lichdom by reviving man//fred, because it implies you won't be able to handle the loss of others", and while that does make sense, it falls apart because choosing lichdom means being afraid of his own mortality. is being afraid of others dying unacceptable, but being afraid of dying yourself, and running away, okay?
i'm of the opinion that foregoing lichdom is a sign of growth for emm//rich. he never loses his fear, but he's grown enough to live with it, and choosing lichdom to me feels too easy in that you're encouraging him to run away. choosing lichdom can be interesting in that he obtained what he thought he always wanted only to learn that it isn't what he wants, especially when he sees everyone else aging or dying around him, but i like to think of that more as speculation and an interesting think piece than my canon ending.
#( emmliches: ooc. )#just thinking. it always stuck out to me but i do prefer endgame mortal emm//rich#theres also the added complication of a romanced r//ook. how does him being a skeleton affect intimacy?#can he feel as a human does? and if he doesnt wouldnt he deeply miss that?#flip the table and what would r//ook feel and think?#like i feel the vast majority of people would probably in fact care.#its a messy thing. something i think hed deeply regret later on.#da spoilers#da:tv spoilers
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Im gonna need someone to cast Joe Keery in a period romance asap
#joe keery#maybe its cuz i recently rewatched pride and prejudice but i need him in something with that vibe#like some regency themed romance/jane Austin like#and yes i know shes British and regency is a British specific term but idk the American equivalent#i mean can he do a British accent im not picky#actually has he done a British accent before? if he has someone please send me a video of it#i just need this and i think hed be great in this kind of role#my post#feel free to reblog#please tell me im not the only one who thinks hed be great in this kind of role#also if he has been cast in something like this and i missed it you have to tell me#i know hes in some movie that takes place in the 50s which is closer but still not quite what i want
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Ohhhh intimacy being a special thing esp for fark
#thought up a drawing idea and like. Its so deep to me#farks a robor. i dont thinkbhes ever rly like. had much in terms of intimacy pleasure and the like.#and then spark shows up! i woont go into my hcs abt Her but like aarggghhh never knowng true intmacy between you and a partner#Until you Do have one and shes organicbwith blood pumping through her veins and a heart and a mind with Desire.#itd also be a means for fark to figure out a lil more of his identity anf what hed like!#Think it could form a bond of trust and vulnerability that hes never had before and will never havr again.#same for spark!#ive got hcs abt past jobs and one of themninvolved sex work. yes thered be a sense of trust but what abt the emotional vulnerability and#the bond it forms and strengthens w time#Uughh idk where im going w this but its so much to me. It meance so much.#stej thots#Id be so powerful if i was good withwords.#these tags imght be out of order. i feel like somethings missing bc it BROKE and i had to try an fix it in my drsfts!
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dad is here and the ache of Wishing I Had A Relationship With My Dad returns
#smudgy.txt#it feels like this abyss of loneliness and wanting a hug and wanting to cry#like wishing hed comfort me. as if thats something hes ever done#missing a relationship that never existed#funny how i never feel this w my mom. i dont find myself wanting a mom often if ever#dad was the one who did the most to take care of me i think#like even if looking back hes a very flawed person he was more of a parent to me#than mother ever was#cooked cleaned tried to make u laugh when ur down#mom was just. there. still is.#waaaa i wanna cry#hes having fun talking w my brother & im so jealous and sad. we can never have convos like that#im not his son. the thought makes me feel hollow#.vent
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I wish I had my babies to take care of me while im recovering :-c
#ot3: ❤rhyme💛easy💙#tape entry circa 1980#i love this photo of them they both look so damn cute...#i dont have a lot to say tbh... i just miss them so so damn much... id do anything to see them rn#oh my min... my baby min-gi my dumpling...#ive been thinking abt him so so much#thinking of his beautiful soft face... god. how is it possible for him to be so handsome and cute at the same time#looking at him or even hearing him makes me melt#everything abt him feels so warm and safe... just to be in his arms would make everything in the world alright#i miss my ryan sm too#my baby ryan... my princess AND prince hehe#i thought abt it recently... i think i want that to actually be something i refer to him as#when i sweep him off his feet and have him melting in my arms hes my princess 💖💖💖#...but when we're just laying together... and i get to admire his beautiful face... the shape of his nose#the veins on his hands... shape of his lips... his collar bones peaking out from his shirt collar#in those moments when im entranced by his very existence... hes my prince#and id follow my prince to the ends of the earth if hed ask that of me#mi principe 💖#id love to have my min-gi making me food to eat while ryan also tries to help w doing chores around the house#just full house husband mode#also i think its funny that min would empty my drains cause hes very meticulous abt that kinda stuff#but hes also gets queasy#so he ends up passed out outside while ryan has to finish helping me and redressing me lol#and ryan would for sure be trying to cuddle me and hold me as much as he could but id have to constantly remind him to#watch out for my drains and stitches cause hes so excited abt being able to cuddle w me#and ryan would be sooo sad that he and min cant sleep in the same space as me while recovering hgdjfks#min of course doesnt like the idea of being away from me while recovering but knows its best for me to sleep comfortably#anyways idk i just wish they were taking care of me rn... ik they want to#im glad they were taking care of me through out the surgery though... when i heard afterwards how everything went as smooth#as it possibly could in a way thats honestly rare. like. i could feel it was because min & ryan were there for me the entire time
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I think i ever processed anything that happened from 2021 to now like ever
#sniffle… also body dysmorphia hit#i hate this stupid website i hate it i hate how much hate there is but god its where all of my friends are#im really starting to hate someone and im just… god i hate them i wish i never met them id do better being alone in 7th grade#they were never my fuckingg friend they just treated me like shit#‘i hate talking to you so much but im not gonna tell you and i never will’ great your boyfriend told me what you said during an argument lol#worst thing was i hated talking to him i hated it!!! id forget to reply for five minutes then hed be like ‘are you there’#im just… pissed he didnt speak up but i guess i didnt either#god im just… sometimes i just want an apology or just a hug i feel like some big bad in some dumb show or something#and it makes me wanna isolate so bad i just wanna stop going to school im just so tired#i just want to die sometimes i just feel like everyone hates me and thats why people dont talk to me#i just want to die sometimes or like just be a observer#i just wanna watch people sometimes when i was younger id want to disappear and then see what people said about me#to see if they missed me or anything#its so stupid that that never fully went away#anyways fuck idk why i fucking bothered typing all this nobody fucking cares anyway 💥💥💥🦅🦅‼️‼️❗️❗️#if youre reading this far sorry#evilsoda.hater
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I drove back. I didn't know what else to do. He takes the pill for cancer. You can't miss a dose of prednisolone, esp on someone so small (I know the effects of prednisolone from when my arm was bad). Last time I was far away, camping last fall, Phoenix didn't take the pill from dad either. When i got back he ate it fine. This time. Last time I had to force feed it for a while which was traumatic for both of us. He usually takes it with pill pockets.
Next time if I go anywhere far enough I can't drive back and forth I may have to get some kind of fail safe-- like a pet sitter or. Take him to the vet tho dad didn't think he could catch him (he'd probably die of fright if he stayed at the vet for a week)
#i was crying the way back#at least he seems fine#whyyyy#i feel guilty#but i know daniel can take care of grandma#he did in may when mom let him take her bqck after she was here a couple days#it was fine#dad obs cant give phoenix his pill.!#pet sitter..#which can find my scaredy cat#if dad could put him in carrier..#he didnt think he could do that either#if he actually made the cats used to him!#idik if hed take them from mom#moms gone#im disoriented#i miss grandma#but something about that house.. or me anxiety about it idk.#doesnt help#i couldnt let phoenix die tho
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..... i miss him .......
#shit happens#i wish he didnt kill himself lmfao#he and i were messy and he was rly abusive but likeeee ima miss that boy forever and always#i wish he was here but even if he was here things would only be worse#and i need to remind myself#that i romanticize the past and that i am nostalgic for a terrible god awful time period that i miss bc he was there#he was there with me thru my active addiction and i got sober and had to cut him off for good#and when i went thru psychosis he was the first to sense something was wrong#bc i was texting him and he sent his friends over to check on me every day and babysit me while mom was at work#i miss him and his fucked up way of showing he cared#hed do my chores with me and wed get fucked up and then mess around and that was such a bad situationship#i miss him with all my heart and if he were here i worry that id do anything for him#i want him back on earth to at least know we are under the same stars#he's one of my guardian angels now#and it hurts my heart n soul to know in this life we can never be together again#but in the next life i will be with u i guarantee that#i love you and miss you my angry yet sweet boy#he was a psychopathic narcissist but he was myyyy fucked up favorite person#he made me feel safe in such a fucked up way#nobody could hurt me like he hurt me#forever broken hearted
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I fucking hate the early stages of getting better where you only have maybe 1 or 2 solid, semi-healthy coping mechanisms that aren't the most reliable at all times and you're still shaky about it all. I'd rather just be better, but at least when I'm not okay at all I lose all hope in where I could be and I've already forgotten how it feels to be okay and stable. and I KNOW I need more, solid coping mechanisms. but I just went from absolutely no healthy ones and zero hope of getting better to having a few healthy-in-moderation ones and being able to verbalize some basic life goals, so this is progress. I'm not there yet, but this is what I've got and I'm getting there. And it fucking sucks because every time I get here it only becomes so much more obvious how far I have fucking slipped.
#and i hate the early stages of talking#because one of my healthier coping mechanisms is talking#and i hate everybody so its a lot of talking to him#and i cant really insert myself into his life like that yet because there isnt commitment or obligation#not that i would anyway often#but i feel like shit#and hes going out to do things with his brother#which good for him and i genuinely hope he has the best time#but i feel actually so bad that if we were properly TOGETHER together id ask if it were possible to reschedule#or if i could at least come over after and maybe spend the night#or ask for a check-in when he has time or SOMETHING#especially because i didnt get to see him yesterday and i probably wont tomorrow because he works later#but we arent there yet or anything#and i dont want to be clingy#i probably wouldnt make him reschedule or anything even if we were together like that#but i really wish we were staying over level right about now#because he probably wont even consider inviting me over if he gets home at 8-9 or even later#but i miss him because the anxiety spike im having is BAD and i havent seen him in a bit so now im wondering if he actually likes me at all#(pure anxiety talking and i have no reason to believe it but that doesnt make it fully go away)#and i would at least like a phone call or something#but i hate phonecalls because im quiet as hell so theyre awkward and im a sit in silence typa bitch#and he knows i hate phone calls#and hes talked at length about how he hates phone calls and prefers messages and all that#so i think hed take me seriously if i asked him to call#but i also dont want to worry him if hed take it seriously if i asked him to call#because he should enjoy his day off and do fun things and not feel any need to hang out with me all the time or anything#i dont want him to feel like he needs to schedule his life around me ESPECIALLY when we arent even together#vent#whores lovesick musings
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maxwell and sammy are all mine and i love them like my children but its pretty hard to divorce them from fnaf enough to make them straight up ocs. sammy especially bc hes technically not my oc, even if i made up every aspect about him except his name and dead twin sister
#my point being i keep seeing oc post and going ‘omg me about sammy’ but sammy isnt an oc. technically#i literally wont even change his name if i do ever just make him all mine. i love him sammy is my bff forevers.#sammy smiles real wide and has sharp canines. he cant stand silence and talks to himself CONSTANTLY and its worse around other people#he interrupts people a lot by accident. and is really bad about holding friendships and doesnt reach out to people. after he took max in it#was impossible to shut him up bc someone was actually there now. he has serious trust issues and thinks ppl dont like him bc he thinks#everyone to have some big secret theyre all collectively keeping from him to keep him ‘’safe’’ which stems from. his mom doing this to him#about his sister and dad she just straight up refused to tell him until he found out on his own. so for 11 years he knew that. they for sure#you cant just split up your family in half in a divorce. something seems incredibly wrong about that but he didnt know what actually#happened there. also they were young when she died but he still felt like a part of him went missing and without the knowledge she died he#assumed. hed see her again and fill that hole. and of course that wasnt true. so anyway he struggles to make and keep friends#hes had like 8 different partners who lasted more than a month (most of them didnt want to deal with max) and he cant keep any of them bc a#a lot of people meet this cute charming guy with a lot to say and realize hes literally like this all the time and it stops being cute and#starts being annoying. he wanted to have kids bc he really likes kids but nobody wants him unfortunately and also he had. max for 8 years#and max is for sure his kid (from his perspective max is weird about it bc max thinks of his dad. as his Parent and sammy as more of#brother) but like max was not really what he was thinking when he thought he wanted kids right. and he feels bad about thinking that but#he does. think that. he wants a kid of his own. sammy is a therapist for kids with trauma specifically so that also impacts his ability to#have a kid. he worries that. bc of his personal experience of what Can happen that he may in turn be a helicopter parent or way#overprotective. yknow. he#ive got to go to bed omg. i got enough thoughts down!!!!#simons spouting#a lot of this is just awfully written but you cant read back or edit tags on mobile. not my fault
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made a joke 2yrs ago abt if it didnt work out w him id have to just date women
#and thats atarting to look more n more likely#i wish my inabiliyy to move on stemmed from the belief id never find anyone else#but it Literally doesnt#it stems from Luterally finding my needle in a haystack n not wanting to find another now .#'he wasnt that great' oh fuck no. but . its not that simple and i wish ir was but irs not that black n white#i didnt fucming deserve any of tje shit he put me through n i haye that ive only just now started shredding#the awful layer of trauma hed installwd over my skin#but. anyway keep thibling abt how i meet a guy and therws always something Missing i dont like#it sucks n i wonder if this feeling will fade#but it genuinely jusy seems to be Growing even as im dealing and unpacking all the bullshit hes put me through#like . i just. i removed the colour theme i set on our messenger chat this morning bc u do not fucking deserve ut anymore#not if youre . gonna keep doing this to me. n i feel lighter#was it a petty internal punishment for him (as if hes even gonna give a fuck i did that) ? absolutely.#n then i blocked him bc i cabnot havw that channel open. if u wanna talk u gotta rocm up to my house sorry.
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