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ask-marios-apprentice · 1 year

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The Hit

I don't know how to say this but...

There was a bounty on my head.

Well technically all of me.

It all started out as roughly a normal day. The flowers were blooming, Yoshi was still on the castle roof trying to avoid taxes. And I was in the gardens trying to perfect my wall jump technique.

Mario: Garth. you Don't slide on the wall. You might cut your hand on a brick or something.

Garth: But that's how it works in the games.

Mario: we went over this already. Not everything in the games reflects real life.

Garth: Keywords being "Not Everything" Mario Brothers 3 was a play in real life. Hotel Mario was based on a true story. And Clu Clu Land is one of the most accurate adventures on the KES.

Mario: We're all aware of the weird avant-garde play based on my life.

Garth: Based on the years of 1985

Mario: Just get down here so I can show you how to properly get it done.

I landed back on the ground. And not a moment too soon.

An arrow ended up hitting where my head would have been.

That would have made me loose like... a unit of health.

Then suddenly two more arrows followed.

That would have done me in.

Or least send me to the infirmary.

Mario: Mamma Mia. Who attacks someone like that.

Garth: I'm unsure. I'm just glad that they missed me.

We decided to head inside. Ending training for the day.

I decided to stay in the castle's throne room where Peach was having her weekly audience. It felt safer to be in a room with more than 10 people.

Unfortunately I had to leave after the audience ended.

I walked across the bridge to get to my home.

I felt a bit of Peace considering I probably could find sanctuary at my abode.

That wasn't till I saw frickin shirikens on my door.

I decided maybe it's best if I stick to crowds right now.

I would queue a montage. but I don't exactly have animation Studio on call

So I'll just bullet point the rest of the day.

Arrows at Astros

Shurikens at Burger Sync

Arrows at the comic shop

shurikens at warp org.

A tomahawk at Dreadpoint (that was unrelated)

Arrows at HEBuddy Grocery's

BOTH Arrows And Shurikens at my parents house.

I decided I would get to the bottom of this after having an arrow be shot in the Pollo of my Caldo and a shuriken cut the limes...

I met with them in a dark Agridulcian location

The Flamenco Bowl.

There i saw two people. A Starchild in a ninja get up. And a Niji dressed as Robin Hood.

Garth: so... Which one of you put the hit on me?

Ninji and Starchild: Neither.

Niji: That's not how it works.

Starchild: People will put a bounty on a person's head. And then bounty hunters will usually go and get that person.

Garth: wait are you assassins or bounty hunters?

Ninji: Bounty Hunter

Starchild: It depends on the job.

...

Garth: I want to know who put the hit on me.

Ninji: Fine. Let me get the laptop.

Both of them then set said laptop and put me on a video call with someone.

The caller ID said: Shiveria Max Security Penitentiary.

Pianta in prison suit: Is it done yet?

Garth: Um...no.

Pianta in prison suit:... Why is the target speaking to me.

Garth: "The Target" would like to have a word with you. For starters why did you want to send me to the afterward.

Pianta in prison suit: Do you seriously not know who I am.

Garth: No. Should I?

Pianta in prison suit: I am Pluto Ulpt. Son of S.K. Ulpt. Or should I say "the man whose dream you ruined"

...

Garth: wait. Like the creator of that giant teapot.

Pluto: It was called [a name I forgot].

Garth:It was gonna hurt people.

Pluto:...Screw it. Attack him.

Then they started attacking me with arrows and shurikens at me. And granted it was probably a bad idea to come to a meeting with two people hired to destroy you without any form of defense.

Thankfully my real plan came to action.

I got there a bit earlier and informed the owner to call for help.

It turns out you can actually call a bounty hunter on them they're Bounty Hunter.

After some tear gas and got dropped in.

I managed to avoid it by finding behind the pins.

That Bounty Hunter ended up taking the other two in for a hefty reward of 5,000 coins. Or at the very least hefty for modern day bounties considering these two.

Apparently Pluto might have an extended sentence due to hacking the computer lab computers at the penitentiary in addition to bring a hit on a future hero.

But he will probably get some new cell mates to keep him company.

That's pretty much all I have to say.

Garth signing off.

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theboysfromaustin · 2 years

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February 1, 2026

Wade flinched as soon as he saw the Chuck E Cheese from the Mopac feeder road.

They pulled into the parking lot, and Wade stared at the building like he was experiencing some sort of horrible flashback. "You okay, Wade?" "Yeah, it's...I just...animatronics…" "They scare you?" "A lot." "What don't you like about them?" "Dead eyes, jerky movement. We came here when I was a little kid for a party, and the band….So many dead eyes…." "Think you can handle a few hours?" "Do they serve beer?" "Yes." "Then I should be able to handle it." "Good. You know how important it is for us to be here." "I don't like mascot costumes either." "Oh my god, this is going to be hell for you." "I know, there was a guy at HEB in the HEBuddy suit last week and I almost turned around and left." Gav grabbed the gift from the back seat.

"I feel like I'm about to enter the gates of Hell."

"Don't worry. We'll protect you," Kazuo said, "Fend 'em off with shitty pizza." They entered, and Wade froze, "That's the biggest rat I've ever seen." The guy in the Chuck E outfit had to be six feet tall, minimum. "Holy Jesus look at the size of that goddamn thing," Kazuo gave a low whistle. "Can you two try to keep the language to a minimum?" Gav looked at them pleadingly. "Maybe." "No."

"Grandpa Kazuo! Grandpa Gav! Uncle Wade!"

"There he is!" Wade caught the boy, picking him up and spinning him around. "Don't make him puke, Wade!" "Happy sixth birthday, kiddo!" "Ya made it to six! Soon you'll be driving, and going to college…" "Ah, that's a ways off yet, dads," Anders appeared, and led them back into the colorful dungeon, where Dermot was defending a Batman cake against a horde of twelve determined children.

"Red! No parents stayed to help?" Wade took up a spot next to him. "Nope. All bailed." "Brutal. These all kids from his class?" "Yeah…kind of regretting…" "There's so many of them…" Kazuo took up a seat, hailing a waitress who looked dead inside, and ordered a beer pitcher.

"Well…" Gav looked down as two kids started using him for hide and seek, "At least we're here to….wrangle….?" "Yeah, and -" Wade froze, shrinking away as the stage curtains parted, exposing Munch's Make Believe Band, then stepped behind Gav for protection, which didn't really work since Gav was significantly shorter.

"You, uh…okay, Wade?"

The beer arrived, Kazuo pouring himself one, "Big man's afraid of puppets and furries." "Uh-oh," Anders bit his lip. "I'll be fine…" Wade settled in next to Kazuo, grabbing a drink. "Dad, daddy, can we have the cards?" Young Ian circled his dads like a shark. "Pizza will be here in ten minutes, lad." "Just a few minutes! We'll be back in ten!" "Alright, as long as you watch the clock." The children swarmed Anders, and took off.

"He's already negotiating deals for others…"

"Oh my god, he's gonna be a great lawyer."

Gav sat down, looking around at the whole spectacle, "Kind of like the crane game place in Akihabara." "Much crappier prizes, though - who wants a my size Charles Entertainment Cheese?" "Why are you referring to the rat by his proper, Christian name?" "It's funnier that way." Anders and Dermot sat down, already looking exhausted. "Thought this would be easier than a home party…" "Once they really hit school age, it's easier to let someone else clean up the mess. Still a massive amount of work."

Gav was staring up at the maze of tubes, "What in the…" "Habitrail." "Hey, dad Kaz, any kid gets stuck, you're going up after them." "Suck my nuts, son." "You know what I like about you, dad? You're so charming." "Those things have to be filthy inside…and the ball pit!" "That's what I call the interior crotch of my pants, and if anyone is goin' in there, it's Gav." "Why me?!" Wade patted him on the shoulder, "You're an itty-bitty man. We'd get stuck." "Oh god, I hope nobody gets stuck."

Kazuo smiled, "You know, if Ian were here, he'd go up after a scared kid, all six feet of him." "And then they'd have to call the fire department." "Like when he went up that tree after our frisbee." "Dads…." Anders reached over, taking each of their hands, "You doing okay?" "I think so…" "Best we can…I just keep living for him."

They were interrupted by the arrival of the pizza - four in total, two cheese, a pepperoni and a supreme. "Wow, that looks…" "Uh…" "Skanky. I've eaten pizza off the ground that looked better." "How do you not have every type of hepatitis?" Dermot stood, "Ian! Tá pizza anseo, a ghasúir!" "How's his Irish coming?" "Better than mine." "I never understood a word of Welsh…" "I understood the swears."

A herd of children stormed up, swarming the pizza, and dispersing to another table to talk about the usual 6-year-old things. The adults took the leftover pizza, watching the kids. "They're in their own little world." "They're happy, I'm glad he got better after pre-K." "Yeah, he's a lot happier in school now." "Yup, there he is, the future attorney with a pepperoni up each nostril." Anders snapped a photo, "Precious memories, and embarrassment fodder for his first date." "You gotta tell the dirt-eating story, too." "And the moth-eating one." "God, that was a harrowing three months of tasting the world."

"This is the worst pizza I've ever had." "Guys, a first - Gav doesn't like a food." "No, he's right, it's terrible." "Is this saltine crackers covered in plastic and horse chunks?" "No, horse is delicious." Dermot coughed, and pulled a long hair from his throat. "Oh my god." "That was…" "Disgusting?" "Take a drink, dear, get….that…out of your mouth." Dermot gagged, "I think I'm done with pizza."

The other men nodded, pushing their plates away, watching the kids once more. "Why is more than one child wearing pizza as a hat?" "They're having fun." "Greasy, awful fun." "Better than me at 6. Everyone hated me. Even in class birthdays, I never got a damn cupcake." "I never had a birthday until Ian and Kazuo took me in. Victoria got all the parties." "Least you two get along now. We should go visit her in Detroit." "I think I had one birthday at a place like this, but it was at Discovery Zone." "I don't remember anything like this in Ireland."

All the boys at the table were now using their hands to blow raspberries except for one who was just shouting, "FAAAAAAART!" while the girls giggled. "Dignified future attorney…" "Seems we knew an attorney who was a lanky doofus…" "Heh.." Anders and the rest of the adults stood, "Y'all ready to sing?" "YEAH!"

"DID SOMEONE SAY SING?!"

Just like that, the six foot rat parted the crowd of children, Wade immediately cowering behind Kazuo. "And a-one, and a-two…" And thus began a really off-key rendition of a song that wasn't quite Happy Birthday for legal reasons. As it ended, the men all looked at one another. "Man, next time I'm singing." "That was…" "An experience?" "Dramhaíl." "Giant…rat…"

"Easy, Wade, if you pass out, we'll have to call your EMT buddies and you'll be super embarrassed that you conked out at the rat palace." "Uh….presents?" "YEAH!" Chuck E wandered off, and Wade relaxed. Young Ian started working through the gifts, getting toys, books and clothing, until he got to Gav, Kazuo, and Wade's. He opened it, pulling out a stuffed dog in a maroon suit, holding a suitcase. "Press his paw," Kazuo said softly. Young Ian did.

"Happy birthday, lad! I know you've gotten even bigger and stronger by now. I love you, and I always will."

Young Ian stared up at the three men, "Is…Is that…?" "Wade found a cassette that had fallen between Ian's desk drawer and the inside of the desk." "I was trying to grab the checkbook that got knocked out." Dermot took Anders' hand and squeezed gently, "Dad…" "I…I…" Young Ian blinked back tears, then lunged forward, clinging to Wade's legs,

"Thank you…."

Wade knelt down, embracing him and picking him up, Gav and Kazuo joining in. "This has been the best birthday ever!" "Still got about an hour of unlimited arcade!" "YEAH!" The kids ran off with their cards, young Ian with his new stuffie. "That was incredible, guys." "He's gonna keep that forever." "Good job clinching the spot of favorite uncle, Wade." "I'm his only uncle." "Don't think on it too hard, Skippy."

Anders cleared his throat, "Gentlemen, I have game cards for us, let's get sloshed and win prizes." "Let me go load up presents, and I'm in." "Oh god, we're all gonna have to Uber home." "I'll stay sober, I get…. ornery…" Gav grinned. "Like that Halloween you got tanked and fell off your barstool." "Or my 21st when we all got hammered, crashed a college party and wound up naked." "I am glad I was away at college for that. It's bad enough I saw you dads naked that one time….except dad Kazuo, who I have been cursed to see naked multiple times." "The one was entirely your fault, but the rest were hilarious - also I will smoke any of y'all at skee-ball."

"You're on," Anders smirked, handing out game cards. "I can beat you one-armed, one-eyed and one-legged." "Wade! Mario Kart?" "Yeah!" They dispersed, Gav and Wade taking up at the Mario Kart, laughing. Young Ian wandered the arcade, plush held close. He stopped, pressing the dog's paw, comforted hearing his grandfather's voice. His classmates milled around him, trying to win as many tickets as possible.

"Nice teddy, dork."

He looked up, an older boy sneering at him. "I…" "I think I deserve that more than you," and he grabbed the plush, taking off. Young Ian immediately swore in Irish - a word Dermot hadn't taught him, but that he picked up anyway, and took off in furious pursuit, rage propelling him forward.

Gav was losing badly at Mario Kart for the fourth round when he felt a tug at his shirt, and looked down. "Ummm…..Ian's grandpa?" "What's wrong?* Wade crowed with laughter as he hit Gav with a blue shell. "A big boy took Ian's toy and they went in the tunnels and they haven't come out." "Ah, sh-" He caught himself, Too much time with the degenerates. "Wade, go tell the others, I'm, uh…"

He swallowed hard, "I'm….going….in…." Wade nodded, abandoning the game. Kazuo was smoking a frustrated-looking Anders while Dermot cheered them on. Wade whistled, and Kazuo jumped, throwing a ball into an air hockey table. "What gives?!" "There's been an incident." "Family motto." "Some little shitbag took Ian's plush and they disappeared into the tubes. Gav went in." "Ah, Jesus." "Oh my god, I gotta see this."

Gav groaned as he army crawled through the tubes, "I feel like Bruce Willis in Die Hard…" He grimaced as he hit a wet patch, "Ew, ew, ew! Please be soda…" He came to a fork in the road, "Ian?! Ian!" "Grandpa Gav?" He followed his voice, finding him clutching his plush in a little capsule. "What happened, kiddo?" "A bad kid took my stuffie…I chased him in here and I got it back…but I got lost…" Gav nodded, "I'll help you get out, but, uh…not that way…someone peed in there…"

The other four men stared up at the tubes. "Well…" "Maybe they're dead." "Dad!" "Why are there so many tubes?" There was a sudden thump, and obscenity that all the children in the vicinity learned immediately, and Gav fell headfirst into the ball pit, young Ian jumping in next to him. "Ian! Gav!" "Dad! Daddy!" "They survived!" Gav righted himself, going crosseyed for a moment as he shook his head.

"That's a hell of a piss stain on your shirt, red." "I'm taking my shirt off when we get in the car." "Grandpa Gav came and saved me!" "Ah, good man, Gav." Young Ian stared up at him adoringly, "Thank you, grandpa Gav. I love you. And I love you, grandpa Kazuo and uncle Wade." "Love you, Ian." "Yeah, and happy birthday, kid." "You're growing up so fast. And you're a great kid." Young Ian grinned - he was happy, loved -

Living his best life.

#oc #original character

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