#healthy? fuck no! codependent? absolutely! do i love to see it? YEAH

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

sometimes i go back to part 41 just because i still think the speed with which arthur goes from "that was completely unforgivable i hope you know, i don't know if i'll ever trust you again" to "just remember that i'm always here for you and i know we can get through anything together" to "omg cute owl 😊" is so funny. that was five whole minutes ago dude, he's moved on. there is a bird now. he is only interested in talking about this bird

[p0rnd3aler]

LOVE AND DEEPSPACE NSFW THINK PIECE/DRABBLE

I’m depraved

Rafayel is the neediest. He’s got a lot of insecurities/abandonment issues from his first love and he def has an anxious attachment style. He’s also absolutely the type of person to be codependent (Hello?? ���Join me let’s drown in the ocean together”????? Like, come on). He’s constantly trying to do every little thing with you, almost like he can’t breathe unless it’s air that’s already been filtered through your lungs.

However, all big baby behavior™️ considered, he definitely knows how to woo you. I feel like since he’s Lemurian and also an artist, he only knows how to love a person in the most deeply devoted and romantic way. He’s also very careful with his heart and who he gives it to, once he decides it’s truly and solely yours that’s it. There’s no one else. But you also have to honor that with proper care, he’s very sensitive.

Anyway, I feel like he fucks in a way that’s slow, very sensual. The kind of love making where he takes over all of your senses, all you can feel is his touch, all you can smell is his sweat and cologne, all you can taste is him on your tongue, and all you can see and hear are his face and the sweet words of devotion he whimpers in your ear.

He’s also very easy to rile up.

Zayne is boring to me. Like I get the appeal he’s very hot and he’s also very stable (in a romantic sense) and healthy but I just can’t fantasize about that. Like yeah he’s a busy ass surgeon who will always make time for you no matter what and he’s super devoted and always caring for you in little ways, but also mf will make you take a water break during sex if you’re too wet bc he doesn’t want you to get dehydrated. Im done.

Honestly I think I’m biased against him bc the way he talks to MC just reminds me of this horrid man I met at a bus stop once who immediately started trying to tell me what to do/give me life advice. I get Zayne is qualified and the guy at the bus stop was not but idc if y’all want me to put effort into writing for him ur gonna have to submit it into the requests baby, moving on.

SYLUS. I feel like everybody thinks he’s just some big ol’ nasty freak but they’re WRONG. THEYRE WRONG ABOUT HIM.

Don’t get me wrong he’s definitely fucking tweaking when you first meet him, like just going apeshit off the bat with no context for us. But also? Once you get to know him? Bitch I’ll kill for that man you do not know. This mf drops everything for you.

Important arms deal he’s been trying to set up for a year or going to the arcade with you to get plushies out of a claw machine? Deal = cancelled

The fearless leader of the N109 zone who blows up anyone who perturbs him slightly. MF contributes 50% of the carbon in the atmosphere alone with the amount of shit he literally actually blows up with bombs. But you? You may break into his house and handcuff him to his bed in his sleep while trying to steal a brooch off of him. he doesn’t give a fuck. he’s in love with you. Set his house on fire! He won’t care! He’ll just buy a new one!

As rough as he is around the edges he’s completely smitten. “You should know I adore you. There is no love purer than mine.” Like girl don’t fucking play with me. Is he mentally ill? Absolutely. But he is so devoted, so careful with you. “I’m never annoyed when we do things together.” It’s literally like he’s learning how to be a human being for once and he doesn’t care about losing the coldness or sharpness he once had because you’re more than enough to replace any absence the loss of those thing may bring. He knows he’s getting soft and doesn’t care. He doesn’t try to stop it. To kill for you is nothing to him. Not even a second thought. He kills all the time. But he would never harm again if the violence ever came in between you two.

And I think that dedication, that devotion totally translates itself into how he makes love to you. He’s definitely a filthy talker, I think he says some NASTY shit during sex, just because he likes seeing you squirm and feel how your skin gets hot from his words. But I don’t think he likes hurting you. He wouldn’t do anything to harm you. He’ll spank you yeah, and he’ll tap or squish your cheeks to get your attention. But he only wants to bring you pure, carnal pleasure when it comes to sex. If you even think “that feels good” he’s like a dog with a bone. You get no rest when he’s there you only get mind-numbing pleasure. He’s a tease, he’ll poke lighthearted fun at how loud you’re being, ask you who you think can hear you two while you’re being nasty. But he knows you. He knows what you love, what gets you off, and he cares to learn all of this because of how much he loves you God I’m SICK

Xavier is filthy. That man laps up your pussy like a thirsty dog. The freakiest nastiest mf out of all of them. He won’t show any sexual prowess or interest for months I think. I’m not sure he’s even aware of his powers. Your relationship will literally be based around his chaotic sleeping “schedule” (that shit is not a schedule) and relaxing between missions together. All things considered, you guys spend almost every waking (and sleeping) hour together. Work, dates, naps, eating, it’s almost always together.

It’s not until he hears you getting hit on all night that his composure finally starts to crack.

Three months of the sweetest, purest boyfriend you could ever ask for. Your sweet silly boy, who starts silently pouting all night. It’s not until you two finally find a hotel to stay at for the night, that he finally starts loosening up.

“I’m not a young fool, you know. I don’t take what’s in front of me for granted” he quotes the guys hitting on you earlier, which he heard through your ear piece. Then he recites every time another guy hit on you while you two were on your mission. He’s a jealous jealous jealous boy. He HATES other guys vying for your attention. It just makes him want to whisk you away and bounce you on his dick so loud that every other guy can hear it. When he feels jealousy, he feels the need to mark, claim, devour you so no one else can try and steal you. He gets himself worked up. Stewing and agonizing over the thought and the memory of another guy trying to get to you so much that he can’t even think of sleeping. He gets completely taken over by the urge to have your every reaction solely based on him and what he gives you. I think he fights off these feelings for a long time, up until the protocore mission in the misty invasion memory. He just barely keeps it together until you’re rubbing all over him, pulling him closer to whisper his name in his ear, he just can’t take it. He needs to hear you say it louder. He needs everyone to hear you say his name.

He fucks you so sloppy, the kind of man who does not care what means he has to use as long as the end is what he wants. He wants you covered in marks of his making, he wants you to smell like him, he wants you to have trouble walking the next day, and he wants that asshole who tried hitting on you at work to ask you “what’s wrong? You look like you’re having trouble walking”

And as soon as the guy asks that you look over to Xavier, who has the most pleased little shit eating grin on his face.

The craziest part is that after he gets it all out of his system he’s back to being the little innocent sweet boy. But you know his secret, and he likes that you know it.

[cloudwatchwithme]

this is a very random very simple percabeth rant but i wanted to write it down :D

so i was talking about percabeth with one of my friends the other day, and we were discussing our feelings on it (keep in mind she’s gay and im queer) and how it’s not often we find white cis straight couples in fiction which are otp level?? like we’ve both been reading these since second or third grade and we were talking about hey, it’s been ages and i still absolutely adore this couple, i wonder why that is? and i know this is talked about a lot - like all the time - but i really do think it comes down to the power balance. percy genuinely really respects annabeth, and he’d trust her with not only his life but also with seeing him vulnerable. And considering he grew up in some very traumatic circumstances that’s really important, obviously. and it’s the same vice versa - everyone in annabeth’s life has left her, and she’s been overlooked for most of the time she’s been alive, and then here comes this guy with insane powers and a quest first try, and he picks her. he respects her, and treats her like she deserves. she’s not scared of him or chasing after him and he’s not always protecting her or doing the whole “yeah im normally super brooding and closed off but not with you. you’re different” male ya character cliche. and again all of this has been said thousands of times by everyone in this fandom but wow. they’re strong individual people but they’re still just a safe space for each other. and they’re don’t show their feelings in stupid ways like being angrily possessive all the time or being really overprotective?? i don’t know. they’re not codependent and their love for each other is completely mutual and they still have their own lives, even though they’re a drop everything kind of couple through and through. it’s a healthy sort of depiction of love, and it’s really fucking cool. rick did something really cool.

[crushed-starlight]

okay i don’t even know where to begin with this ,, holy fuck

so UHH HMMM YEAH OKAY YEAH THIS MIGHT AS WELL HAPPEN ??? i’m now dating the worlds nicest guy ?????? cameo asked me out over summer break and i said let’s wait until we’re in the same city again but over those two months we texted every day and god if you saw those messages you’d assume we’d been together for years..

now we’re in person and properly dating he’s the absolute best ???? he treats me perfectly and wants to be around me all the time ?????????? and on one hand i love it sooo much i want to explode it’s everything ive been yearning for and hoping for for literal YEARS like he actually sees me in the way i want to be seen and he’s endlessly patient with me and so caring and and and a million other wonderful things i could talk about but ON THE OTHER HAND ,,

on the other hand there’s this imbalance. this is what they don’t tell you about because so few people treat me so well that this would even begin to be an issue. he’s so eager to drop EVERYTHING to be around me and be there for me that i feel like i can’t do the same for him. no, i KNOW i can’t unless he gets better at communicating his own needs too. he’s so deep in that honeymoon phase mindset of “anything for you” that it’s a little uncomfortable, not because of how clingy he is (i really love how clingy he is) but because i can see that it’s becoming unbalanced and potentially unhealthy and i don’t have the self restraint to stop it. so i did what few relationship havers know how to do ,, i straight up told him lmao

but i told him at 11pm over text after a long day out together with the add on of “let’s talk about this more next time we hang out but for now we need sleep lmao” so i get to play the fun waiting game of OUHHJGH WAS THAG A BAD IDEA ????? when i know full well its best to address stuff like this as early on as i can :) healthy relationships are WORK, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. my number one enemy is codependency (i’ve seen my fair share of that in friends’ relationships and i’m Terrified to fall into their patterns) so i want to make extra double triple sure we can continue to exist as individual people and not rely on each other too much.

in terms of personal development, i honestly think i’m pretty much good. i know my issues and i’m working through them, and i don’t really need any help with that besides the occasional crumb of reassurance. i’m great at communicating my own needs without feeling like a burden or making them someone else’s problem. but he’s so eager to swoop in and prove himself with pledges of trust and support and acts of service that it’s like ??? okay cool i get it you’ll do Anything for me but i Don’t Want You To. i want us to be cool individual people who like each others company but don’t take on all of each others problems. i don’t want him to fix me, i want him to support me as i work on myself. and i want to support him as he works on himself too !!!! but is he willing to do that?

for context we’ve only been actually dating for a week lmao

anyway communication is cool and all but so is being hugged and held no matter where we are and getting to laugh together and do everyday life together and meeting each others friends and there’s no pressure to do anything sexual like we haven’t even kissed yet but there’s such a comfortable closeness in how we are around each other that i’ve literally never had this quickly with ANYONE and it’s so good shfhdkshd yeagh i really hope this lasts and i know he hopes so too but that can only happen if he stops trying to be my night in shining armour and starts seeing himself as my equal instead of figuratively worshipping the ground i walk !!!!!!!

[hms-tardimpala]

Hi! Since you were talking about your latest project, for the ship bingo I'm going to ask: John/Dean? (And if you want to do one extra, may I suggest Philes?)

NARA. I should have known you'd come up with the ship that's not talked about in polite company. Thank you so much!

So, for any anti that might have followed me by accident: I think we're about to part ways. John/Dean here refers to John Winchester and Dean Winchester from Supernatural.

Train wreck but I can't look away: whichever way you look at it, whether it's consenting or not, it's not gonna start well, go well, or end well. No amount of great writing will make this relationship stable or fair. It's doomed.

I'm a casual shipper: this isn't my OTP in this fandom (that spot belongs to Destiel), but I multiship.

INTERESTING COMPELLING COMPLEX SCREECHIBG: Dean took on his mother's role in the family in most ways after her death, why not this too? Have you seen the Winchester family dynamics? None of it is healthy, they're violent creeps with codependance issues. These boys haven't been socialized! So yeah, incest, why not? So many themes to explore with this ship. Abuse, masculinity, free will, homophobia, parenting.

Fandom ruining it: not really. There is amazing fandom content for that ship. But the SPN fandom is extremely divided and confrontational, and John's character is a touchy subject. Most people stop at arguing about whether he is good or bad, and are too busy decrying incestuous ships to provide interesting discussion about Dean/John.

Person A deserves better than person B: hey, John Winchester sucks. He's interesting, but he's the kind of character you watch telling yourself "I wish he'd rot in hell" and guess what? He canonically does!

Could cut the tension with a KNIFE: every room John steps into has tension. Things are already tense and intense and electric with his sons (in different ways) in a story where he doesn't fuck them. Imagine if he wasn't just Dean's father, drill sergeant and personal god, but also the man who taught him to have sex.

FREE SPACE: ew ew omg ewww! This hits the tiny mark between "absolutely disgusting" and "so fucking hot". There are days I can't stomach it, but I stand by it because it's extremely compelling.

Thank you a thousand times for giving me the oportunity to talk about them, it was very exciting.

And now, some Philes as a palate cleanser:

Train wreck but I can't look away: their worldviews and morals are too different and conflicting to build a lasting relationship, it's always going to be messy, and I'm here for it.

THAT one scene. You know the one: the duelling scene, of course. Thurston, what were you thinking? Also, the minotaur fight scene when Fetch realizes Niles is sort of a friend, kinda??

INTERESTING COMPELLING COMPLEX SCREECHIBG: It's because they have such different opinions and goals that they are interesting to see interact. For Fetch and Niles to date or fuck, I think Fetch would have to get more down to earth and less absolute about his views, and that would be an interesting growth. Also, Thurston Niles is a great character to explore and make headcanons about.

They are divorced, possibly not for the first time: these guys fight so much. They're used to each other's presence like you're used to an inconvenience or a flaw in the sidewalk. The way Fetch goes to Niles' house for drinks, and Niles doesn't serve him alcohol, and they antagonize each other but still have a decent time is so Divorced to me.

Could cut the tension with a KNIFE: I love to see the girls fightinnnnnggg. I love that Fetch seems two seconds away from imploding when he's in the same room as Niles. What's interesting is that the tension is brought by Fetch and Niles is chill about their situationship. When they meet on a case of Fetch's, sparks fly and that's awesome.

FREE SPACE: I'm using this space to say a trop I love to imagine for them is "ugh, why did it have to be him of all people?". I like to imagine them both inconvenienced by their attraction.

Thank you so much for playing with me <3

[teaandinanity]

Tropes Game

Rules

How much do these tropes affect your decision to click on a fic?

-10 → very dissuaded 0 → don’t care either way 10 →  very enticed nope → if it’s a hard no and you’d never click on a fic with that tag or or you even have the tag blocked or you’d insta click out of the fic if it wasn’t tagged.

Bonus points for explaining the rating and whether it’s conditional.

yoinked from bendingsignpost because I went OwO and placed under a cut because it wasn’t short to start with and as per usual I have talked way too much

TROPES:

Age gap: I'm gonna give this a 5 in favor because I am HUGELY into mayfly-december romance and the normal flavor of age gap usually won't send me screaming into the hills unless there's other factors (and tags) sending it spelunking into squicksville.

Codependency: 5 in favor when it is unhinged fantasy soulmates shit. I also really enjoy fiction where characters have matching baggage and trauma that interlocks. If it's set in the real world this gets creepy very quickly.

Enemies to lovers: 5 again because I like it when it's done in a specific way - where there's plenty of interaction and respect before any feelings crop up and once they do one or both parties are enraged about it - but I so often see this as allo bullshit where I just want to scream 'STOP KISSING HIM HE'S A FUCKING REPUBLICAN.'

Enemies with benefits: -10, I am insufficiently allo for this.

Fake dating/relationship: 1. This tag by itself is like a sprinkle of pepper. It's nice but I'm not ordering dinner based on that.

Found family: 5. I quite like it but I will generally not read things purely on the strength of this tag.

Friends to lovers: This depends ENTIRELY on the characters in question. My default for this is honestly probably like -3 in isolation but a friend and I have OCs who fit this (hi Tina!) and that is like 10/10 A+ love it EXACTLY my shit. Obviously. Since OCs. Anyway if there's a bunch of hesitation to take the step because of course they love you but do they LOVE you and speaking up will change things and what if it's not GOOD change and-- that's the good stuff. I just want characters to suffer and this is often too simple and fluffy for me.

Friends with benefits: -10 unless it's paired with one-sided or mutual pining. I am not allo enough for this.

Hurt/comfort: 10. Gimme. Make 'em earn that happy ending. Make the stoic ones display vulnerability and I will be fully helmo.gif about it.

Love triangle: -10. Hate it. HATE. I actually skipped one of my fave fics in one of the fandoms I'm in for Literal Months because it had two pairings tagged for the PoV character and I was like 'absolutely the fuck not' until friends told me 'no really you'll like it it's not A Triangle.'

Mistaken/hidden identity: 7 I think? Not an automatic read but I do enjoy it substantially.

Monster-fucking relationship: 9 hell yeah like I'm into monster-fucking but then you add RELATIONSHIP where they probably have misunderstandings and feels? Yes absolutely.

Obsession, possessiveness, etc.: 10, as long as it's not presented as normal and fluffy. Like. Healthy people don't do this. It's just that I do not want characters to be healthy I want them to be INTERESTING and obsessed with each other.

Opposites (like grumpy×sunshine, etc): 5 I guess? But it definitely gets a multiplier if they Get Each Other better than anyone else in spite of that surface opposites thing.

Poly: Varies wildly. If I'm really into the characters individually and also their dynamics as a group, this can be a major plus - like, there have absolutely been things I've read where I was like 'WHY are you two getting het married when Character C is right there and you both have two hands' - but at the same time I hate love triangles and all other affection geometry so this is not a COMMON experience. More typically, I am here for my OTP and in that case this can make it down to Nope. It's very hard to figure out what this tag would be in isolation because it's SO heavily dependent on other factors!

Pregnancy: This can honestly run the gamut from Nope to +5, because I have read it and thought it was sweet and read it and thought it was hot and irl the idea of being pregnant makes me want to give myself a DIY hysterectomy. So yeah.

Second chance: -8. This is not a Noope but it is a hard sell. I've skipped fics I wound up really liking due to a 'getting back together' tag. I think one of them I skipped more than five times in sort-by-kudos and then other people's bookmarks and browsing the author's works (because I loved their other fic) before I finally said 'FINE I will try the green eggs and ham.'

Sex to feelings: Normally? -10 or a hard Nope. If one of them is pining and the other is an oblivious moron who just doesn't KNOW they're pining yet? That's excellent and I will eat it with a spoon directly out of the carton. But like. I am not allo enough for this without feelings. SOMEONE better be having them or I'm gonna back right out of that.

Slow burn: 10, yes please, give me Yearning.

Soulmates: I'm gonna give this like an 8 because I LOVE it in theory but I have also seen it done badly (as a shortcut that removes the need for buildup or communication of any kind, for example) like. A lot.

Arranged marriage: There's a range but this probably averages out to like -2. Mostly because as an aro-ace person this sounds like a horror movie and even if the rest of the tags pinky promise it's gonna be soft and end happily part of my hindbrain does not believe them and is just facing the sky to more fully unhinge its jaw and shriek, AAAAAAH!

[burningchandelier]

Tropes Game

Rules

How much do these tropes affect your decision to click on a fic?

-10 -> very dissuaded

0 -> don’t care either way

10 ->  very enticed

nope -> if it’s a hard no and you’d never click on a fic with that tag or or you even have the tag blocked or you’d insta click out of the fic if it wasn’t tagged.

Bonus points for explaining the rating and whether it’s conditional.

(To be honest I disregarded the rating system. I rated these 0-10 with 0 being not interested and 10 being my favorite)

Trope List

Age gap:   4/10 Age gap isn't really my thing and I am not likely to go out of my way to seek it out, but if it serves the purpose of the plot and creates an interesting dynamic, then I can be all about it.

Codependency   10/10 I am SO ABOUT this. Give me those (fictional) unhealthy relationships for daaaays.

Enemies to lovers   9/10 Absolutely, absolutely. This can be so good. I do find that this trope can be employed as a substitute for character development, and that can be disappointing. When applied in the context of a larger story I do enjoy this a lot.

Enemies with benefits   10/10 Now, THIS works for me basically all the time.

Fake dating/relationship   3/10 Eh, it's mid. I could enjoy this and have. It fully depends on how it is executed and the context of the story. Is there enough emotional investment to make the story and characters interesting? Do I care about the characters ultimately getting together? Are the stakes worth the fake relationship in the first place? It has to be worth it.

Found family   4/10 I am not a fan of the way this trope has evolved. Are we talking about "found family" in the way that Buffy's friends became a family? Are we talking about the Intrepid Heroes from Dimension 20? then HELL YES! I am so interested. If we are talking about what happens much more often (imho) where the characters get assigned certain roles and end up recreating the nuclear family, crammed into uncomfortable boxes??? HELL NO.

Friends to lovers   8/10 Why not?

Friends with benefits   8/10 Sure!

Hurt/comfort   10/10 What more can you ask for? It is essential story structure. Establish a character > Give the character a problem > Take care of the problem I love it every time.

Love triangle   1/10 Very, very little interest here. What I DO find interesting is how authors can subvert this trope or approach it in unexpected ways.

Mistaken/hidden identity   10/10 "Sign me the fuck up. Identity porn is almost as good as actual porn." Prev, you are so right.

Monster fu… relationship   10/10 (100/10) I am WEAK. I am not into tentacles, but I am deeply into the unsettling, disconcerting love of the unseen and little-understood. I want characters to fall in love with ugly, frightening reflections of themselves. I want them to find beauty there. The revelation that humanity is the monster after all? Too good. And, yeah, sometimes your fave gets railed by something unearthly or from the underworld and that's rad as fuck.

Obsession, possessiveness, etc   10/10 Unhealthy relationships my beloved (see codependency)

Opposites (like grumpy×sunshine, etc)    7/10 It can be fine. This cannot be the only point of a story, though.

Poly   9/10 YES! Be creative with characters and relationships! Depict healthy poly relationships! Show communication! No unnecessary pining (some is great, but not ton). Let those characters have their cake and eat it too.

pregnancy   nope/10 It's not my thing. I am viscerally uncomfortable with this one.

Second chance   5/10 I need more to go on.

Sex to feelings   8/10 This can be great, but there has to be more to it than just "we boned and now I'm in love."

Slowburn   10/10 YES YES YES YES YES Give me 100K+ words to set it up and I am there. I love the hell out of incredibly slow, slice of life stories that revel in and treasure the beauty of the mundane.

Soulmates   3/10 I like the idea, but have rarely enjoyed the actual fics.

Another case of either 10/10 or -10/10 10/10 Weird, fucked up, sometimes off-putting stories that make you question the boundaries of genre, free from the confines of the publishing industry, television networks, streaming services,and record lables? That's the whole fucking point.

Tagging (no pressure) @static-starfish, @telegraphavekiss, @fleacollar999 @100percent-unimpressed, @shitpunsforshitnuns, @bootlegfrnk, @jurassicpark45, @biganimal92

[dothwrites]

15.19--freedom

“Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose/Nothing, don’t mean nothing if it ain’t free, no, no”--Janis Joplin

---

Freedom. 

Dean rolls the word around on the tip of his tongue and tastes how it feels. Freedom. 

It’s a strange concept, especially since he always assumed that he was. Ever since Apocalypse Version 1.0 was averted, Michael and Lucifer locked in the cage, thanks very much, he’s always assumed that he was the one calling the shots. No matter how badly he fucked up (and he fucked up a lot), he could at least take comfort in the fact that those were his choices. No one’s hand up Dean Winchester’s ass, no siree. 

And then Chuck came and ripped that certainty away from him in one quick motion and then...everything was suspect. Sam, Mom, Jack...Cas. Every word, every action, every emotion... He couldn’t trust anything, so he trusted nothing.

He still wakes up from nightmares with those words echoing in his head: You’re dead to me. He bolts upright, almost puking, because he can’t believe his past self, he can’t believe that those words came out of his mouth, to Cas, to Cas of all people--

He splashes water on his face and notices that his hand is shaking. His stomach churns in warning, but he doesn’t think he’s going to puke. However, he also doesn’t think he’s going back to sleep tonight. 

He and Sam are in the bunker, but he knows they won’t stay. It’s too empty now, their voices echoing through the halls and rooms. Maybe once, he would have been all right with that, would have even enjoyed it, but now, he can’t bear it. He remembers all too well how it felt to have Jack’s voice bouncing through the kitchen as he talked about the latest movie they had watched, or how it felt to just feel Cas behind him as he moved through the kitchen. 

Every time he makes his breakfast, he’s reminded of what he lost. Every time he and Sam come back to the bunker, there’s the sinking disappointment to find themselves alone once more. Dean ends up spending most of his days in his room because anywhere else freaks him out. He can’t stop whipping his head to look over his shoulder, halfway convinced that he’ll find someone standing behind him. He’s always disappointed when he finds himself alone. 

He and Sam are going to leave the bunker behind. He doesn’t know when and he doesn’t know what for, but he knows that it’s going to happen. 

He asks Sam one afternoon why he hasn’t left yet. Eileen is waiting for him, biding her time a hell of a lot more patiently than Dean would, and Sam still isn’t going to her and starting the American dream life. And one afternoon, Dean either runs out of fucks and gathers up his last little shreds of courage, and asks him. 

“So when are you going to move in with Eileen? I can’t imagine that she’s going to wait for your gigantor ass forever.” 

Sam looks at him from across the table. There’s a book open in front of him, but Dean doesn’t think that he’s read a word. He knows that he’s been stuck on the same screen on his phone for several minutes. Without the pressing urgency of saving the world, things just seem so...pointless. Which is not necessarily bad. But it means that he and Sam spend a lot of slow, lingering afternoons like this, with just the two of them wandering through the bunker and occasionally bouncing off of each other like two very faulty pinballs stuck in a malfunctioning machine. 

“She’s fine,” Sam says, which isn’t an answer. “She understands what’s happening.” 

Dean’s glad that someone understands because he surely has no fucking clue.

---

His life falls into a kind of routine. Wake up, make breakfast. Find pointless chores to do around the bunker. Make lunch. Watch some bullshit shows on TV. Make dinner. Have a beer. Fall asleep. 

He feels like the worst kind of retiree, devoid of purpose. 

Sure, there are occasional hunts, but he doesn’t feel the need to go on them. The world is turning, same as it always did, and there are other hunters in the world. If that’s one thing that he learned through these past years, it’s that he doesn’t have to do everything. 

(Plus, he and Sam literally defeated God, so he thinks they deserve some time off.)

The forced retirement doesn’t make him happy. The bunker is the cleanest that it’s ever been and he doesn’t feel happy about it. There’s a gaping hole in his chest that’s shaped like the rest of his family, and he can’t sleep at night. He makes dinner and all he can think about are the empty places at the table. 

Sam sticks his head into Dean’s room. It’s a regular day, though Dean doesn’t bother to note either the actual date or the day of the week anymore. Time blends together in an endless cycle of waking, chores, and sleeping, because without a purpose to hold him together, he’s slowly falling apart. 

“I’m going to head out,” Sam says. Dean notices that he doesn’t put a timeline on his departure. “You should get out too.” 

Dean raises his eyebrows but doesn’t ask the obvious question: Where would he go? Sam, slightly chagrined, scuffs his feet against the floor. “Maybe go see Jody, Donna, and the girls? See if Charlie and Stevie want a third on their hunt? Bobby said something about building up his library here.” 

“Yeah,” Dean says, with absolutely no intention of following through on any of those suggestions. He’s not quite wallowing in his own grief and filth (every time he tries to crawl back into a bottle, he just remembers the pinched look at the corners of Cas’ eyes whenever he would find Dean halfway through a bender, and that memory effectively nixes any desire he might have had to crawl into the nearest bottle), but he’s not exactly the poster boy for healthy coping strategies either. 

“Dean.” 

Dean hates that note in Sam’s voice, the oh-so-soft and sensitive tone that could soothe widows and lull children. He hates even more that it’s being turned on him, hates most of all that he derives comfort from it. 

“I don’t get it,” Dean finally says, because if Sam is leaving then he might be losing his chance to ask his question aloud. “I don’t get...I mean, Jack could have brought him back. He could have done it. I could have asked him. I was right fucking there, and I didn’t ask.” 

He’s dissected those moments in his head until there’s nothing left, and he’s forced to cobble them back together like some Frankenstein of memories just so he can take them apart all over again. Why didn’t he ask Jack to bring Cas back? Why didn’t Jack do it of his own free will? Jack knew how he much he needed Cas; hell, Jack brought him back once before when he wasn’t God. So why couldn’t he do it then, when Dean needed him the most? 

“I don’t know,” Sam says, still in that same soft voice. “Maybe...maybe it was like Mom? I mean, Cas made his choice. For better or worse, he made it, and maybe Jack thinks that we need to respect it?” 

A thick lump rises in his throat. Cas’ face replays in his nightmares, tear-stricken and yet smiling, peace and grief shining in his eyes. I love you. Like it was the easiest thing in the world to say at that moment. Like it was all he’d ever wanted to say. 

“I never...” Dean swallows, but he doesn’t manage to chase away the horrid feeling rising in his chest. “I never said it back to him, Sam. I never...all those times he said it to us, and I never...he died, thinking that no one loved him. The one thing I want, I know I can’t have, is what he said to me.” 

Dean doesn’t necessarily have a list of his regrets (there are too many to really list), but if he did, then he knows this would be at the top of it. Cas sacrificed himself, Cas let himself get taken, Cas died, and all to save someone who he believed didn’t love him back. 

How could he not know? 

Dean knows he’s not necessarily Mr. Subtle; he knows Sam knows. Their enemies damn sure have seemed to figure out through the years exactly where Dean’s heart lies. How could Cas, as brilliant as he was, as insightful, as compassionate as he was, not understand that Dean’s been lost on him, quite possible since the first time he walked through those barn doors? 

Sam’s face goes on a journey and it ends up at about the same place that Dean feels. Maybe now Sam understands why it’s so much effort for him to just make it out of his room. 

“He thought it was worth it,” Sam finally says. “Even if he thought...At the end, it was still worth it to him.” 

You were still worth it, is left unsaid, but Dean hears the echo nonetheless. There’s an accusation there which he doesn’t want to confront, but he has to nonetheless. 

“I can’t stay here anymore,” Sam finally says. “I can’t...” When he looks at Dean, his eyes are glistening. There’s a plea for understanding in his face. “There’s a whole world out there that I haven’t gotten to see since...since Stanford really. Since ever. I can finally go out there and walk around and not worry that something’s going to come after me. I can finally...” Sam rubs a corner of his shirt between his fingers. “You always said that I wanted a normal life, and I did, for a while. Then, when I figured that it was never going to happen, I stopped myself from wanting it, because what was the point? When everything we had got ripped away from us, what was the point of anything? But now...” 

“If you start now, then you can probably make Des Moines by night,” Dean offers. It’s all he can say, but it’s enough. 

Sam smiles, his eyes glassy. “I’ll call you when I get there.”

It’s not a goodbye, but it is. It’s the bonds of desperation and codependency snapping and shattering and reforming into something else. Dean doesn’t know how to love his brother in this new world. All he knows is that Sam deserves to live the life he’s deserved. 

Dean closes his eyes. 

When he opens them, Sam is gone.

---

That night, he goes up on the roof of the bunker. It’s cold, but not unbearable. There’s a light drizzle falling which strengthens to a gentle shower the longer he stays outside. 

Dean closes his eyes and looks up at the sky. Out here, the stars shine clearer than ever before, visible even through the rainclouds. 

He can’t help but think of Jack. His son. He can say those words now, acknowledge that Jack gave him everything he really wanted; the chance at a family, the chance to erase some of his father’s sins. Jack was gentle, he was kind, he was loving, he was theirs. And then he was gone. 

Cas, Jack, Sam...

“What am I supposed to do?” Dean asks the rain, the same wild pain rising up in his throat. “What am I supposed to do now?” 

---

He makes it back inside, damp and cold, and strips himself. He should shower, but he can’t be bothered, so he falls into bed naked and shivering. Not like it matters; no one is around to see him anyway. He falls into a fitful doze and is only awakened hours later by the soft sounds of someone moving around his room. 

He bolts upright, snatching his gun out from underneath his pillow, because old habits die never. He blinks the sleep out of his eyes as his heartbeat catches up with his adrenaline. “Sam?” he asks, and then, more tentatively, “Jack?” 

His desk lamp blazes into the life with a soft snap. Dean’s heart leaps into his throat. 

Cas smiles at him, the same as always, sadness always lurking in his eyes and at the corners of his mouth. Dean finally understands why he looks that way. 

“Hello, Dean,” Cas says. The sound of his voice sends shivers down Dean’s spine, but the hair on his arms doesn’t rise. Dean understands then. 

“This is a dream.” He lowers the gun. His heart slows to normal and disappointment is bitter in his mouth. “You’re not really here.” 

Cas’ mouth lifts in a lopsided smile. “It’s as real as you make it.” 

“Don’t fucking Dumbledore me,” Dean mutters. He rubs at his temples. Somehow, even lucid dreaming has lost its appeal. Talking to Cas isn’t appealing when he knows that he’s just talking to his own subconscious. 

“I fail to see what a fictional wizard of questionable sexuality has to do with this.” 

“Good to know that my subconscious has your sense of humor down.” Dean glares at Cas. “Why the fuck are you here, anyway? It’s a dick move, even for my brain.” 

“Maybe because I’m the person you want to see? I don’t know. It’s your head, not mine.”

“Yeah. No offense, but I think I’m just going to go back to sleep. Or wake up. I don’t know. Whatever it is, I don’t need to see you anymore. It’s just...It really hurts, all right?” 

“I’m not real, so you’re not really hurting my feelings.” 

“Good. Well, now that we have that sorted out.” Dean punches his pillow as a punishment for betraying him, before he turns back to Cas. “I miss you,” he says, because he’s weak and always has been. 

“Dean.” The sound of Cas’ voice always manages to make Dean stop and now is no different. He turns around and looks at Cas. 

Somehow, Cas looks more solid around the edges. The lines around his eyes are more pronounced, and if Dean turns his head at just the right angle, he thinks he can see grey silvering at Cas’ temple. 

“Sam was right,” Cas says. “I made a choice. That’s what this was all about, ever since the beginning. Making choices, running our own course, picking our own path.” 

“Yeah, thanks for rubbing it in,” Dean mutters. The last thing he needs is his subconscious reminding him that once again, Cas decided that he wasn’t good enough to stay with. 

“But that doesn’t mean that you can’t make a choice as well,” Cas continues, ignoring him. “There’s nothing to stop you. You can make whatever choices you want and take the consequences that come with them. And if you make the right choices, then maybe...” Cas bites his lip, looking almost nervous. “Then maybe I can make some choices too.” 

Dean opens his mouth to argue--Cas is dead, the time for making decisions has come and gone--but his subconscious is a dick, and before he can say anything, his dream fades away in a wash of black. 

---

Dean wakes up energized. His eyes open into the same room, but it’s different somehow. It’s ridiculous, because the bunker is underground, but it’s almost like he sees the sun shining through his windows. Even the air tastes different. For the first time in weeks, he gets out of bed without dreading every step away from his mattress. 

He glances at his phone. There’s a message from Sam along with a picture. In it, Eileen and Sam smile at the camera, their heads pressed together at the temple. There’s still a shadow of sadness in their eyes--they’ve all lost too much to be truly carefree ever again--but they look good. Happy. Whole. 

Cas’ words echo back at him, both from the dream and from those last, horrible, terrifying moments. 

Everything you did, you did for love. 

You can make a choice. 

Dean starts towards the library. 

---

It takes him three weeks of almost non-stop research to cobble together enough spells to make something that has the potential to work. This isn’t his strength; Sam is much more suited for this type of work, but he won’t bring Sam in on this. If this thing goes really damn badly, then it has the potential to wipe him off the face of the earth, goodbye Dean Winchester. If this thing does what he’s halfway expecting it to, which is nothing, then he’ll have gotten Sam’s hopes up for nothing. He’s not going to expose Sam to either danger or disappointment, not when Sam’s finally managed to get to some kind of happiness. 

If everything goes well...

Dean won’t let himself think about that. 

He spends two days smoothing out the kinks in the spell, double and triple checking his translations. He gathers his ingredients, and then spends another hour pacing around the library. His stomach is roiling, and his nerves are jittery. He can’t bear to stop, but he can’t bear to move forward. 

The memory of Cas’ smile spurs him into action. Cas went to his death a willing martyr for a man who he believed didn’t love him back. He can’t let that stand. If anything else, Cas has to know. 

The drive to Pontiac, Illinois takes him the better part of a day. The impala springs forward across the asphalt, almost like she’s eager to eat up the miles after her forced retirement. Dean pushes hard down on the gas pedal, urging her forward. One way or another, this is going to come to an end tonight. 

It takes him a while to find the barn. The last time he was here, he wasn’t in his right mind, still reeling from the horrors of Hell and the confusion of finding himself alive. He’d been scared and angry, lost and so very alone. And then an angel had walked through the door and told him that good things happened, that he deserved to be saved. The last little bit might have been a line fed to Cas by a bunch of dickhead superiors, but the sentiment behind it had stayed long after those superiors were all dead. 

They replaced the doors which Cas shattered and painted over the walls which Dean and Bobby covered with sigils, but if Dean looks carefully, he can see the shadows of them behind the new coat of whitewash. He touches them gently for a second, remembering Bobby and all of the years which led him back to this place. Then he pulls out his can of spray paint and proceeds to deface the barn all over again. 

When he’s done, he sets up the ingredients on the table. The table is where it was all those years ago, facing the doors to the barn. He doesn’t quite believe that Cas is going to pull the same trick, storming through the doors in a shower of sparks, but he can always hope. 

“God...Jack,” Dean corrects himself with a wry twist of his mouth, “I really hope this works. Cas, wherever you are, I really hope you have your ears on.” 

Dean looks at his translations and begins to speak. He’s hoping that intention counts for something as his tongue stumbles over the unfamiliar words. His heart beats an uncertain pulse in his chest. This has to work. It has to work. 

He puts every ounce of belief into his voice, every bit of the faith Cas once accused him of not having. I have faith, he thinks, putting force behind his voice, sending his words rocketing into the dimensions. I believe in us. 

What’s real? 

We are.

The last syllables roll over his tongue, followed immediately by a peal of thunder. The barn shivers, a ripple rolling through the air to settle over Dean’s skin. Electricity crackles in the air, filling him with potential. 

“Castiel?” he calls to the darkness. “Cas?” 

There’s no answer, but the spells and research had been unclear on whether or not there should be an answer. He would prefer knowing that Cas was listening, but in absence of certainty, he’ll have to have faith. 

“Cas, I really hope you can hear me,” he says. The words bring back the memories of Purgatory and a time when he and Cas could barely look at each other. He pushes those memories away and concentrates on the truth he can feel in his heart, the same truth which has guided him through the years and all the way from Lebanon, Kansas to the small barn where it all began all those years ago. 

“I know you made your choice. I know you were happy. But...it’s not the same without you. I’m not the same without you. I wake up and think about you, and you’re the last thing I think about before I go to sleep at night. Every moment, you’re there because you’re not there. I look at all the places you’re missing and I can’t help but think that everything would be better if you were there.”

Dean swallows. “I miss you,” he confesses to the night. “Cas, I miss you so much. And I want you to come back. Not because I need you or because there’s something to fight against, but just because I miss you and life is better when you’re around.” He thinks of what Sam told him before he went. “There’s a new world out there, and I can’t think of who I would rather explore it with than you, but in order to do that, you’ve got to make a choice, all right?” 

His heart is pounding so hard he thinks it might explode out of his chest. “I want to share my life with you. I want to figure out this world together. I want to be able to look at you and hold you and experience everything with you. Cas, I want to tell you what I should have told you every single day for years. I’m sorry that I never told you while you were with me. And I’m sorry that the first time I say it, I’m not going to be looking at you, but it wouldn’t be our lives if something about this wasn’t shitty, right?” 

Dean takes a deep breath. “I love you, Cas. Not because of what you can do or how useful you are. I love you because of who you are and how hard you try. And I want to say it to you, every single day, for years to come. I’ve made my choice, Cas. Now you just need to make yours.” 

Silence overtakes the barn. The only sound is the faint whistling of the wind through the slats of the barn and the quick rasp of his breathing. There’s no flap of wings, no deep voice growling in his ears, no pop of electricity. 

“Please, Cas,” Dean whispers, closing his eyes to try and stop the burning behind them. “Please.” 

Thunder rolls through the barn, shaking through the wood down to the dirt floor. Dean’s head jerks upright as he scans the barn. “Cas?” he calls, hardly daring to hope. “Castiel?” 

A thin, golden thread rips open in the air before him. It looks almost exactly like the rifts between worlds which Jack used to create, but that’s not possible. 

It’s not possible, but Dean dares to hope anyway. 

“Castiel? Cas?” 

A single hand reaches out through the golden tear, and then Dean is moving, he’s practically tripping over his own feet in his haste to reach the rift. “Cas, Cas, please,” he’s saying, not quite aware of the words which are tumbling from his mouth. “Please.” 

Until his fingers grip the hand, he’s not sure that it’s real, but that’s solid flesh and bone underneath his palm. Dean pulls, feeling resistance on the other end. “No,” he grunts, reaching into the rift. His hand touches skin, and his resolve grows. He didn’t come this far only to lose. They haven’t come this far only to fall apart. 

“I want you,” he says, as though the force of his words can rip through the veil. “Cas, please, come home, Cas, please--” 

With an almighty heave, he pulls once more and then he’s falling backward, another body tumbling against his in an ungainly pile of limbs and bodies. There’s skin and there’s warm, and there’s weight. Out of the corner of his eye, Dean sees the rift close up, as neatly as if it were never there at all. 

He doesn’t care about that. He can’t, not now. 

Dean looks down at the body sprawled across his lap. There are miles upon miles of naked skin for him to peruse, and he hopes that he’ll be able to do so later at his leisure, but for now, all he can concentrate on are those two luminous eyes blinking up at him. 

“Cas?” Dean asks, hardly daring to believe. His hands cup Castiel’s face, fingers sweeping a few locks of dark hair off of his forehead. 

Castiel blinks at him, his dark eyelashes fanning over his cheeks. A slow smile creeps across his face, like the dawn spreading across the horizon. “Dean,” he says, his voice the same as it always was, but this time it’s better, because it’s a voice that Dean never thought he’d hear again. 

“Cas.” It’s the only word Dean seems capable of saying, but words don’t seem important anymore, not when he can lean forward and press his lips to Cas’, not when he can taste the small sigh of surprise on Cas’ lips. “Cas, I missed you so much, oh god, Cas, there’s so much I want to tell you, there’s so much I want to do--” 

Cas interrupts him with another kiss, his arms threading around Dean’s shoulders to pull him closer. Gentle fingers tug at the hair at the nape of his neck, and Dean thinks that he could live in this moment forever. 

But before he does that, there’s something else which needs to happen first. Dean pulls away, ignoring the small whine of protest from Cas. 

“Cas, there’s something I need to tell you,” he starts, only to be interrupted. 

“I know,” Cas says, his face splitting into a wide, gummy smile. No shadow lurks behind his eyes, no hint of tears glisten in his eyes. There’s just happiness, radiant and absolute, gleaming from his face. 

“I heard your prayer.” 

Maybe once upon a time, Dean would have been satisfied with that answer, but not anymore. 

“I love you,” Dean whispers, pressing the words into Cas’ skin with gentle kisses over his temple and cheeks. “I love you, I love you, I love you, and I’m going to tell you every day until you get sick of it.” 

“You’ll have to try for a very long time,” Castiel answers, his fingers tracing along Dean’s jaw. “I like hearing those words very much.” 

Dean can’t help but kiss him again. As he does so, he feels the lost and scattered pieces of his heart knitting back together until he can finally breathe for the first time in months. “Come on,” he says, once he surfaces for air. “Let’s go.” 

It only hits him then that Cas is naked. Apparently rebirth and snagging people out of alternate dimensions results in a distinct lack of clothing. Dean’s eyes want to travel over the skin revealed to him, but he waits. There will be time, he realizes with a tiny thrill of delight. He and Cas have all the time in the world.

He manages to find a blanket to wrap around Cas’ shoulders. It will do until they get out to the car where he has a spare set of clothes. For now, he helps Cas to his feet. Cas looks around him, his eyes wide and huge, as though he’s overwhelmed with the world around him. 

“Where are we headed?” Cas asks as they head towards the door. The Impala waits outside, beckoning them forward once more. 

Dean grins as the cool night air washes over them. It’s gentle and soft, eternity held in the breeze. There’s a world held within the palm of tonight, a world held within the rest of their lives. 

“Wherever we want,” he answers, stepping out of the shadow of the barn and into the world. 

As they walk towards the Impala, a light rain begins to fall. 

---

“Before, I wanted to say: "I found love!" But now, I want to say: "I found a person. And he belongs to me and I belong to him.”― C. JoyBell C.

[toastandjamie]

I have- so many feelings. I’ve been trying to write an analysis since last night but everything I wrote is incomprehensible so this is an attempt: advanced apologies. Originally I wanted to make a post about C!Quackity and C!Tommy’s relationship but then it got me thinking of talking about what makes Tommy so vulnerable to manipulation even incidentally which brought me to Wilbur and Techno. So I’ve decided to just make a mishmash comparing Tommy’s relationships to these three complicated people.

Starting with Quackity I think we can all agree, Quackity GETS Tommy. In a way others on the server(like Fundy or Foolish) just straight up don’t. Quackity treats Tommy a lot like he treats Slime, with this understanding that Tommy isn’t like everyone else and won’t respond to things like others would. Because Tommy in spite of everything really does act like a kid. He acts out because of boredom or frustration especially when he’s ignored. Often others get frustrated when dealing with Tommy, but Quackity has this odd level of patience different from say Sam, Puffy or even Foolish in that he puts himself at Tommy’s level. At the start I think this was just a genuine attempt at having fun with our chaos raccoon but at the moment it’s almost patronizing(a reoccurring theme). Quackity understands that pushing Tommy will only result in property damage, but he also knows that he can’t let him run around unsupervised(because property damage). When Quackity is unaware that Tommy is listening he sounds more than a little frustrated at his antics, but then Tommy throws on a pair of pants claiming to be called Trousers and insists that he is not in fact Tommyinnit. Quackity plays along, he doesn’t try and force Tommy to stop, he humors him. This is something Quackity does a lot with Tommy, and it’s why Tommy still seems to have positive feelings towards him. Quackity humors him the way adults will humor a child who’s insisting that they are a wizard. Through this lense(which I think Quackity is fully aware of) he’s able to get Tommy into a less aggressive state and get information out him. Like why he’s working with Wilbur, and Tommy’s feelings about it. Which also unfortunately makes him super easy to use. I think in the future as Quackity slowly succumbs to the inevitable power hungry corruption that’ll bury whatever soft spot he has for Tommy, we’ll see Quackity take advantage of Tommy’s blatant abandonment issues using the trust he’s built through these small appeasement based interactions.

Moving on; C!Wilbur Soot! This is a land mine let me tell you. Because Listen, Wilbur is obviously, severely traumatized and mentally ill. I don’t think Wilbur necessarily has any malicious intentions towards Tommy. But unfortunately this bad boy is backing a fuck load of unhealthy coping mechanisms and behaviors. Such as his possessive streak! We saw with L’manburg the whole “if I can’t have you no one can!” Mentality, which has now been transferred to Tommy. It’s a move to assert his control over a situation and unfortunately for Tommy he’s a prime vessel for this behavior because he has absolutely no concept of healthy boundaries! Since his backstory and relationships are a bit blurry we can’t make any definitive explanation for where this came from but for the sake of argument let’s say Tommy has known Wilbur since he was young, and Wilbur was always someone with a possessive personality(albeit less obvious due to the fact that he wasn’t traumatized yet). Being raised by or around someone who never sets boundaries with you can lead to a person growing up not able to do so themselves. And wouldn’t you know it Tommy has clearly never had a stable healthy relationship because all of them have been transactional or codependent. Which is, bad.(shout out to Tubbo and Ranboo though for trying to enforce healthy boundaries sadly though the timing of this separation couldn’t have been worse). Currently I think it’s safe to say Wilbur and Tommy have a codependent relationship. One with a very clear imbalance of power, comparable to a codependent parent-child relationship. In which Tommy excuses Wilbur’s bad behaviors out of a sense of responsibility, this feeling that because they’re “family” he owes it to Wilbur to stay by his side. Not to mention how Tommy obviously craves guidance and leadership from paternal/fraternal figures, which he originally found in Wilbur(later in Dream, Techno and Sam afterwards). Tommy very clearly desires a family structure in which he is loved and protected no matter what, and Wilbur fills that role easily and willingly. Wilbur wants someone who’ll be loyal to him and will never leave or betray him, and Tommy wants someone who’ll protect and care for and, say it with me boys, will never leave or betray him. There isn’t anything wrong with wanting someone to be there for you, but because of their complexes and traumas these feelings of fraternal affection are twisted into a relationship lacking boundaries and for Tommy, complete absence of autonomy. Only doing things because Wilbur wants him to me, because he wants Wilbur to be happy and Wilbur is never wrong. Not a good mindset to have when dealing with someone like Wilbur who is destructive as a means of coping.

Lastly another landmine, in the form of Technoblade! Ah yes, bedrock bros. We love them and miss them. But newsflash guys they ALSO had an unhealthy transactional relationship! But here’s the thing about unhealthy relationships, sometimes people are just not good for eachother. There’s no bad guy or good guy. No ones in the right or wrong. They just, weren’t good for eachother. Now whether this was situational or not can only be answered if they reconnect with healthier mindsets but for now we’ll say it’s situational. Obviously, Tommy was clearly in a bad place. Just barely managing to escape exile after a narrowly thwarted suicide attempt: now packing a whole slew of issues, from paranoia, depression, fear of abandonment, low self worth, and just general debilitating stress. Techno was ALSO in a bad place, he just hides it under a sense of self righteous justice: like guys, his only friend was put under house arrest because of him associating with him, and he was then executed under the threat of death of his faithful horse companion. Techno was angry and blinded by revenge. A bad mix when you toss in a traumatized codependent teenager desperately searching for someone to fill the empty void of fraternal leadership left by Wilbur’s death. Tommy really just wants someone to tell him what to do, like let’s not kid ourselves here. Techno offered Tommy protection from Dream, which yay! But also creates an unbalanced power dynamic(bringing that one back!). I genuinely believe that it wasn’t Techno’s intention, but the thing is, the relationship became transactional: a “I’ll protect you and take care of you if you do what I say and help me.” Type scenario. It was impossible for Tommy to really comfortably say no, at risk of being tossed out of straight up given to Dream to face whatever horrible consequences running away had. BESIDES that, they are just two very different people who had very different priorities. Techno wanted vengeance against L’manburg, Tommy wanted to be protected but always had the intention of returning to L’manburg one day(clearly believing getting the discs would be a catch all problem solver). These two priorities are in direct conflict with eachother; as a result they’re partnership would never have worked in the long term. Here’s the kicker to what makes this relationship so unhealthy though, because those things in isolation don’t make an unhealthy relationship but the fact that Tommy’s poor mental state fueled by Techno’s blood seeking revenge made him act in ways HE deemed wrong, makes it unhealthy. Tommy wasn’t lying, being with Techno made him become a person he didn’t want to be, and it’s NOT Techno’s fault. It was the unfortunate consequence of their opposing view points and unhealthy mental states. Perhaps in a world where the Butcher Army never existed the Bedrock Bro’s team up could have been a moment of healing for both characters; but alas that was not the world we are privy to in canon.

Yeah so that’s it for now I guess

[marley-manson]

For the ask meme: traphawk and hawkbeej?

Brutally honestly, I think Trapper/Hawkeye is the better relationship for Hawkeye, and I ship it more in an endgame sense than BJ/Hawkeye, but at the same time I'm nooooot super interested in it. They're fun to watch, I love their chemistry, I think they'd be happy together and the logistics work better since they live close by and Trapper isn't obsessed with his marriage, it fits better into my own thematic read on the show... but there's not much strife there, yk? There's the one fraught 'why no note' talk they can have, but otherwise they're just a solid good relationship, which is nice, but it doesn't engage me a whole lot.

If I was gonna be into eg a Hawkeye/Trapper longfic then it'd be because I'm into the Hawkeye character study aspect with the ship as a fun bonus, rather than really being invested in the relationship itself, yk? It's good but it's not enough of a draw on its own.

BJ/Hawkeye on the other hand is an absolute trainwreck in my eyes. I don't think they'd ultimately be happy together, and in many ways I think they're actively pretty bad for each other and exacerbate each others' issues. I’m biased because I find their relationship most interesting when the flaws are on display (like Period of Adjustment is one of my favourite episodes of the show solely for this) and so that’s what I focus on and think about more than the times they’re in sync and on the same side, but yeah basically I see them crashing and burning if they get together, and I’m into that.

I think BJ often, inadvertantly and on purpose, tears Hawkeye down. Sometimes it’s in a protective way (why can't you just shut up and put up with hardship like me instead of taking risks trying to change things you can't change), sometimes it’s part of his literally canonical 'taking his feelings out on other people' coping mechanism, sometimes it’s because Hawkeye’s emotional intensity makes him uncomfortable imo, and sometimes I think it’s to try to keep himself at an emotional distance (eg I think that explains a lot of his behaviour in the finale), but yeah, it happens a lot.

Hawkeye, for his part, sometimes gets weird and petty when he’s not the centre of attention (Potter laughing at BJ’s joke more in the OR in Dear Uncle Abdul eg), sometimes doesn’t take BJ’s feelings seriously enough, and sometimes gets overly upset and snaps over small slights. But yeah mostly the issues here are on BJ’s side imo, which is good bc they’re the most interesting part of his character to me lol.

I do think they genuinely love each other and care about each other and like each other as people, but due to their circumstances (meeting in a war that is severely fucking them both up) and clashing personalities it's codependent and sometimes bitter and not very healthy.

I'm also into the idea that BJ is closeted and gay and that's part of what makes him act out, but I don't think coming out will fix him and make him capable of a healthy relationship with Hawkeye, because it's also the deep seated anger over the war, the separation from his family, etc, and he's always gonna have shitty coping mechanisms for his emotions no matter how gay he is unless he addresses it, and lbr he lives in the 50s and knows one decent psychiatrist that he refuses to talk to.

(and also bc I’m just not interested in that lol. if hawkeye/bj was a good mutually healthy happy relationship i’d be bored. I don’t read much of the fic for that reason.)

And I would absolutely love to see the more fucked up side of their relationship explored. I think I could get very invested in a more toxic take on their potential relationship, especially if it ends badly, and I think it's a shame that so few people are into ships like that lol so if I want to see it I'm probably gonna have to write it myself for an audience of me.

Like I swear this isn't BJ bashing or whatever lol, this is genuinely the kind of shit I looooove to read about and if BJ wasn't fucked up I wouldn't have any interest in him at all, like, I'm genuinely more emotionally invested in Hawk/BJ than Hawk/Trapper bc of this.

Basically my ideal Mash fic is like 75k of hawk/bj in a lowkey (emphasis on lowkey, I like subtlety) fucked up relationship that highlights their flaws before they break up and Hawkeye gets back together with Trapper. Absolutely no one else would want to read this because it would piss off most hawk/bj fans and wouldn't satisfy or interest hawk/trap fans but man, it would make me happy.

[bronzetomatoes]

👨‍❤️‍👨🤩🧭🦝 for the ask game!!!

👨‍❤️‍👨 - Are Beeduo a healthy relationship?

for a long time i idealised beeduo because it was the best we had, but honestly? they were only surface-level healthy. their communication issues were so deep that they honestly knew next-to-nothing about each other aside from what they had seen themselves. i do genuinely believe that they loved each other though, and, had ranboo not died, i think they could've been okay eventually.

🤩 - Should Karlnapity be endgame?

personally I don't think so. it's not because I'm not a fan or anything I just love tragedy and thus I love how Quackity's arc brought him away from the people he loved, and I love how they more-or-less let him. it hurts, in a good way.

🧭 - Was Tubbo right to exile Tommy?

realistically, what other option did he have? it absolutely fucking sucks to type this, but his options were making Tommy leave his home (because exile did not imply logstedshire or tadca, it just means being forced out of l'manberg), or making all of his people suffer under the circumstances they had just fought to escape. Tubbo was the president and he needed to protect his people.

🦝 - Do Crimeboys have a toxic Dynamic?

yeah, kinda? they're possessive and codependant and they have REALLY poorly set + poorly followed boundaries, so they would be a rather toxic relationship. that's my favourite part about it, i think, because it's absolutely not healthy to need someone to that degree, but from a fictional standpoint it's so horribly compelling. and to see that love go from something joyful and untainted to desperate and consuming is. ough. i love crimeboys

[marigoldbaker]

god all the talk about giles as a failed father for buffy bums me out bc i want that relationship for them so much !!! buffy deserves a dad who loves her and giles deserves Good Family Existence like I want them to get to have that relationship so bad I just wanna take dolls of them and pat Buffy's head with Giles's little doll hand for like five hours

YEAH i so feel you !!!!

to be honest i think jenny's death was what sent them both into this weird fucked up codependent spiral, because that is literally the most awful way to find out that somebody loves you. that they choose you over somebody else, who you KNOW means the world to them, and then that second person dies HORRIBLY in a way that was seemingly both very preventable and very much your fault. (obviously jenny's death was her own damn fault but i am absolutely certain that both giles and buffy believed individually that it was Theirs And Theirs Alone.) and then that sets this precedent of giles putting buffy first even if he doesn't like what he's doing & doesn't want to do it, which in turn means that he's actively ignoring absolutely all of his emotional instincts in order to Do His Job, which leads directly to shit like the cruciamentum.

meanwhile buffy has internalized this horrible shame wrt the fact that she feels responsible for jenny's death -- but her sway over giles is understandable if he's her father! because fathers do shit like that for their kids! so she leans into asking him to support her without any consideration for what he is giving up to do so, because she has labeled him as Dad and is therefore not responsible for his emotional well-being.

which like. buffy is seventeen. i think that labeling giles as her father and wanting someone who's gonna support her without asking for emotional support in return is a reasonable response to all the traumatic stuff going down, especially when she's dealing with this expectation from Literally Everybody that she's supposed to be a perfect pinnacle of strength and a symbol of justice and safety. the problem is that giles is nowhere NEAR emotionally capable of making healthy positive choices when it comes to setting boundaries, and he KNOWS it, and he chooses to respond to this by literally running in the other direction in lieu of ever setting boundaries with buffy.

i guess this is my long way of saying that when i look at canon i am just soooo fascinated by how much love is wrapped up in all of this, and how absolutely all of it is motivated by how much buffy and giles love each other. and then that that's something buffy is afraid of and giles divorces himself from because he's Not Supposed To Love Things (which again i think he REALLY doubled down on after jenny's death). so like the thought of buffy and giles communicating like human people.....i want it so badly and they are so clearly capable of it but i am also absolutely dying to see them very clumsily piece back together their relationship. that's so important to me.

[amwritingmeta]

15x20: Oh fuck it’s actually really good. Dammit Dabb.

So I slept. And waking up the first thought in my head was... but there is this open ending with them all in Heaven and Cas not a stated angel even, just a helper to Jack...

And then I felt the need to watch the episode again. Because of how I’ve said, perhaps not for always, but often enough, that this show of ours was never about Destiel, was never about Dean and Cas’ love story, and beginning to hope that the ending would be focused on them... it wasn’t fair. Not really. And I remembered reading somewhere that a big chunk of the internet accepted Cas’ death as final, and seeing posts to that effect and thinking LUDICROUS and NO WAY and knowing all along that it could all be denial on my part.

And oh boy was it. 

I know there were plenty of us who kept that hope alive, and I’m thankful for you, but I made myself believe that he’d be back because I couldn’t imagine he’d die like that, or that the love story would end unreciprocated like that. And I guess, in a way, it still did, BUT... in another way, it really didn’t. 

It’s not enough. Subtext is not the representation I’ve always hoped for, but it wasn’t just erased either. And we got as much as we could get, because obviously Dean being textually bi and us getting an I Love You out of him was just never going to get green lit by the studio.

I’ve always believed the writers would’ve gone there if allowed. I think Cas’ love declaration underlines that they would’ve. But they weren’t given the opportunity, and I’ll lament it until the end of time, but it is what is.

What we did get, though, is quite beautiful. No, listen, IT IS.

There’s the emotional substitute Miracle Dog, getting so much LOVE from Dean, which I know most of us all went the big awwww at, no matter what we thought of the rest of the ep. 

There’s the healthy way Dean is dealing with the loss of Cas, and of Jack, knowing that pain will never go away, and accepting it. Accepting it because he’s feeling worthy of moving on without them. He’s no longer attaching his self-image to the perceived failure of protecting others. He’s letting them go, believing that they may meet somewhere further down the road.

But looking at the finale for what it is, rather than for what I wanted it to be (cardinal sin omfg my emotions really ran away with me and I wish I could’ve been more level headed and come on here with this positivity and calm) (but) (no dice) (anyway) it’s just beautiful how Cas is in the background, not waiting, not really, because he’s busy preparing Heaven and fixing his home in ways that will actually mean peace AND freedom when the brothers are done.

Something Cas would not have been able to do if he’d not fallen in love with Dean. If he’d not gone through his journey. I mean. Those implications are highly satisfying. 

Last night all I could think, ALL I could think, was that it’s not ENOUGH.

But it has to be. Because it’s not dismissive. It’s not erasing anything. It’s the same subtextual thread we’ve always been pulling on, and it’s there for us to continue to pull on, and that’s a goddamn gift.

I wish that 15x18 hadn’t been quite so in our face “kill your gays” buuuuuuuut that’s if you’re surface watching, yeah? Cas isn’t dead, for starters, and everyone was, obviously, brought back when Jack took Chuck’s power, so even if it wasn’t visually established that Stevie and Charlie are back and thriving, it’s narrative fact that they must be. What it is, more than anything else, is what I read it as to begin with: a love letter to the love story, where we get the subtext of couples loosing each other so strongly stated that there’s no way we’re not meant to understand that Dean losing Cas is within that exact same context.

We didn’t get textual Destiel, but we did get the love story textually confirmed through Cas’ declaration, and we did get it subtextually confirmed, not hinted, subtextually confirmed through all those other couples losing each other, that the love story EXISTS there, on that level, for us. 

Oh guys I feel so sad that I was so SAD yesterday. Why didn’t I just take a breath?? Guys, guys, guys, there’s such BEAUTY.

And Jensen.

Jensen in how he played that death scene. Jensen who kept it so even, so gentle, so... brotherly. These brothers have been through hell. Dean ending this way... it’s a travesty, but it also means he meant to go to the place where he doesn’t have to hope to see Cas again--because he will see Cas again.

And why didn’t Cas come right back to Dean once he was out of the Empty, why did he go off with Jack to fix Heaven?

I would say that it’s another underlining of Cas’ independence, and this his entire focus isn’t Dean, but, of course, I would assume the thought of Dean is ever present, and the rearranging of Heaven is as much about making sure Dean gets that freedom, as well as that peace, once he’s done as it is about Cas simply not being able to stand for souls being trapped in their memories anymore. Cas knows how to fix Heaven. I mean... that’s a fucking gorgeous and highly satisfying ending to his individual arc. And he’s with Jack!

Like. I mean. That implication that Cas is fixing Heaven with Dean at the back of his mind is quite head-exploding to me. And yeah, sure, that’s how I’m interpreting it, but all the ingredients for that delicious pie is left right there for us in this ending.

What about the legacy issue? What about found family? What about Dean finding happiness in death? What about Dean opening himself up to love?

Yeah, it’s not without issues, depending on how we interpret these things. Do I believe Dabb set out to write an offensive, horrifying, deeply problematic ending to this show and pretty much hand it over to the side of this fandom that has always been the... well, shall we say, less stabile? 

No. I kept saying yesterday that I just didn’t understand what happened, I didn’t understand why our writers room would choose THIS ending, I couldn’t fit the pieces together. That was on me, not on them. Get me?

Interpretation is deeply subjective. It’s personal. And it’s tainted. Always tainted, guys, and there’s no way around that. It’s not perfect and it’s not absolute and all the writers can hope for is that their core message will get across strongly enough to avoid misunderstanding.

I misunderstood the intention yesterday because my interpretation was tainted by what I wanted and felt I needed from this narrative.

For years I’ve refused to put expectation on the story because I know what that does to one’s perspective. It’s futile to engage with hopes and wishes on a deeper level because the show will never deliver exactly what you want. It’s delivered stuff in the ballpark enough times for me to dance alongside it, but to place so much expectation on this finale was just... oh man. Bad. 

I take full responsibility. :)

What about the legacy issue?

The legacy is that you live the best life you can and you end up in happiness, with the people you care about. You LIVE. Nothing about Dean’s death is prescribing dying to get what you want. We have it established that Dean is not suicidal in any way, that he’s mentally stabile and that he’s carrying on without Cas, even though he thinks about him. Not living would make the sacrifice pointless.

What about found family?

Found family was meant to be a part of this ending, but due to COVID (I’m assuming along with everyone) we didn’t get a collection of oldies and goodies at the Roadhouse. We got a father figure to signal the father/son thread that this finale was pulling on, a thread always tied so tightly around Dean and Sam and underlined for us in this episode. The codependency finally broken because they were ready to let each other go. Not forever, because that would’ve been tragic, but for now.

What about Dean finding happiness in death?

The implications of Dean having to die to be happy are quite dark, I know that, but he was never going to hang it up. Not entirely, right? He would never be able to rest on Earth. And he’s always afraid. So instead of spending a lifetime alone, growing into a crusty Bobby (who lost the love of his life too early too), Dean got to go to the place where his happiness actually is. He got to go where Cas is.

I mean, that’s my interpretation here, but rather than set both brothers up with a love life and families and all that, we got a Dean who’s lost the love of his life and is dealing with that loss as best as he can, but who is also ready to go when it’s his time. He wasn’t expecting it to be right then, that day, and he says as much, but he’s ready. As long as Sam is ready to let him go. And Sam isn’t, but he does, and Sam deals with that loss, and finds his way into life and living and loving and happiness in a way that Dean simply wouldn’t have been able to. Because he lost the love of his life.

And Dean waited for Sam to show because of course he would. Sam was the only thing missing: Cas, and Jack, and everyone else Dean has ever loved and cared about, were already in Heaven. For the show to go on, Sam had to return too.

Hope.

That hopeful ending that I, and so many, many of us, have always wanted. Sure, everyone’s DEAD, which, you know, bummer, but they are at peace, they are together, and they are done sacrificing, bleeding and dying. Isn’t that remarkable? Isn’t that the greatest reward? Love and happiness and togetherness. Forever!

And for this fandom, we got what we hoped we’d get, right? An ending open enough for us to keep returning to this narrative over and over and over.

Let me formally apologise for the despair of yesterday. For all of you still feeling it, I send you so much love. Know I understand, I honestly do, but I hope, perhaps, some of these words will offer a sliver of comfort.

So, this is first impression based on second watch of 15x20 positivity. Let me know if anything hits right or hits wrong and let’s talk. <3

[transsexualhamlet]

sherlock holmes reactions part 4 (?) ive lost count already but unsurprisingly ive grown even more attached to him

using this as the cover image because i made him a playlist. cause im awful

no legit this is gonna need a read more because it's SO LONG SHIHEWIESHEFSHIEWHF

Had three mental breakdowns this week and realized i do in fact kin sherlock motherfucking holmes. this does not bode well for anything in my life mentally I've diagnosed him with so many things

Oh boy lol you want the list I think hes autistic (undisputed honestly) plus also adhd but on top of that there's the manic depression and uhhh the bpd lmao I dont even think that's it those are just. the obvious ones

But yeah man's a fucking mess and a shit person but in the same way as me so 👍

Some highlights I thought were very funny:

watson: we are in fact going to be waltzing into a place where people are Shooting People you do not have your gun. this is a problem

sherlock: don't worry watson I have my trusty stick!

watson: visible pain

This clearly happens like every day or so with them

but yeah there were some really honestly sweet scenes with them at the apartment and why am i getting soft over the crusty man being gay

have you considered tho. have you considered them

have you considered sherlock, who usually only plays absolute garbage on his violin serenading watson to sleep when he was tired and in pain and watson being so fucking in love with the man and waxing poetic about falling asleep to his music and waking up to see him fallen asleep on the couch next to him and oh my god them

They're just really sweet together for such a completely dysfunctional couple so much of the time lol I just. Sherlock being like.

Sherlock half of the time: watson you're fucking stupid. no i won't take care of my personal needs stfu. watson get a goddamn life. watson shut up. watson no one cares about your goddamn opinion. no i need to disturb you in the middle of the night it's for science. hey watson mind if i manipulate mansplain malewife

Sherlock the other half of the time: HELLO SIR YOU ARE MY FAVORITE MAN TO EVER MAN HELLO MAY I SPEND THE REST OF MY DAYS WITH YOU HELLO I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU WE ARE PERFECT MATCHES I LOVE YOU AND I NEED YOU YOURE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME PLEASE MARRY ME

They're... they certainly are.

ALSO OH MY GOD.

THIS ONE TIME WHEN SHERLOCK WAS JUST PACING AROUND THE ROOM AT 3 AM GOING "IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE >:(((" AND HUDSON LIKE BARGED IN TO COMPLAIN AND THEN WATSON WAS LIKE DUDE YOU GOTTA STOP DOING THIS AND PROCEEDS TO SAY THE LINE "YOU ARE KNOCKING YOURSELF UP, OLD MAN"

BAHGHSFHGRHEWHEWHIFEW

BRB SOBBING

CALLING HIM AN OLD MAN???? KNOCKING HIMSELF UP?? I DONT KNOW WHATS FUNNIER

The main highlight of this part was I have now gotten to see him have a great time watching his homo homie get married

Its so fucking funny.......

I was prepared for a funny reaction by yuumori sherlock's face when he said it lol but. Damn i was really not prepared tbh

watson: I'm engaged!

sherlock: *pained groaning*

watson: do you... not like her?

sherlock: no she's fine she's great you'll be wonderful together bUT I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ARE HETEROSEXUAL WATSON DO I HAVE TO MARRY MYSELF THEN WATSON? ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE ME MARRY MYSELF.

watson: yeah... yeah... fair, I feel really bad because you did this whole case and I got a girlfriend out of it and all you got was me leaving you alone fuck man im sorry what are you gonna do without me

sherlock, highly sarcastic: dont worry watson I've always got my handy cocaine! *pulls it out and gets high in front of watson just as he's about to leave*

watson: *in fucking agony*

sherlock: good for you!

I DONT EVEN- THIS SCENE KILLED ME MULTIPLE TIMES OVER WHAT

ITS SO GODDAMN NONCHELANT ABOUT IT SHERLOCK IS JUST LIKE YEAH I WILL IN FACT NOT BE MENTALLY HEALTHY IF YOU ARE NOT WITH ME 24/7 BUT WHATEVER YOU DO YOU /S

I'd like to apologize to watson on sherlock's behalf lmao. man is being a bit too codependent on main

The last thing about sign of four I do need to address is yeah, there's the Horrific Amounts Of Racism in that one and the whiplash hearing it is just ridiculous because they seem to be so knowledgeable in all other areas and fairly... politically correct, taking sherlock's original misogyny as a purposeful character flaw, but then they just mention someone indigenous once and suddenly its all parrotting racist propaganda and just... really awful shit. There's no way I'm gonna speak for the group that just got absolutely hate crimed here but anyone can tell the author just has no clue what he's fucking talking about and it's physically painful.

And I don't know, it's just so bad it seems out of character? Doyle's making these motherfuckers say shit that honestly, Sherlock would know better about. And especially Watson. Come on, you cannot tell me watson is mentally capable of being prejudiced against someone. Please do not make him that way.

I'm not sure how to handle it specifically, or what's the proper way I should handle something like that in a media I otherwise like. Is it ok to say Doyle was clearly a piece of shit on the matter and separate those characters from his bias or is that insensitive?

I don't know, I was Not a fan of it and I'm glad to see they've at least finally shut up about the guy

But anyway yeah, uhhhh onto the short stories because I'm trying to read those before I get to the final problem

Scandal in Bohemia was a fucking ride, first of all, before we even get to Sherlock's girlboss arc we have to discuss how gay the whole situation was and how Doyle's attempt at making them less gay failed spectacularly

Like he's all "ah yes I need to marry off watson and uhhh make sherlock ummmm interact with a woman so they dont look gay" but he does it SO BADLY that it makes them look EVEN GAYER

cause i mean, even the conversation they had about watson getting married back in sign of four was gay af, but how Doyle handled things afterward was in no way straighter.

Cause you know, the man kind of wrote himself into a corner with the fact of Watson narrating these stories. So Watson has to be around to witness them, and to witness Sherlock's own thought process rather privately, so he has to be around sherlock at night, a lot. But trying to come up with a reason for that happening just... it didn't occur to Doyle. He just went. Ah yes this makes sense. And it's Watson just like Sleeping Over At Sherlock's like every other goddamn day and every time his wife leaves town and having them basically still live that cute domestic home life but they have absolutely no excuses for doing it anymore. It's quite funny

Like it was gay already the way they interacted when they officially lived together but it was like, a necessity for them. Now it's not, Watson just comes over because he goddamn wants to, and it's hilarious to me.

LIKE IDK I THINK THEY KIND OF BROKE UP FOR A YEAR OR SO BC OF WATSON GETTING MARRIED AND THEY LIKE DONT HAVE CONTACT WITH ONE ANOTHER BUT ONE DAY WATSON JUST INEXPLICABLY HAS THE URGE TO COME VISIT SHERLOCK ON NO NOTICE AND THEN SUDDENLY THEY ARE TOGETHER NEAR 24/7 AGAIN LIKE BARELY ANYTHING CHANGED AHIEHOEWH

SIT DOWN AND TRY TO TELL ME THOSE ARE NOT HOMOSEXUALS

Watson walks in on no fucking notice after a full year and Sherlock is just. In the middle of some experiment obviously but hes like

Sherlock, carrying around unidenfiable chemical mixtures: W A T S O N you look good you look good! i see you've gained seven pounds!!

watson: uh. thanks??? Hey lol *awkwardly waves* Uh um Wanted to Uhm sEe you

Sherlock: ABOUT gODDAMN TIME AND YES WONDERFUL LOOK LOOK SIT DOWN I HAVE THINGS TO INFODUMP ABOUT

watson: :) ok :) *turns to camera* and we were back to the old days

sherlock: makes a deduction

watson: wowwwwwwwwwwww !! so true bestie !!

sherlock: !!!!!!!!! :))) !!!!! :))) uh fuck im supposed to be smooth Its Elementary Lol

watson: *turns to camera* when i stroke his ego like this and compliment him he blushes like a girl like i just complimented his dress so i do it more because he likes it. this is a homie trait

watson: well i should probably get going! my wife will notice that i am gone my dear buddy bro homie!

sherlock: NO DONT LEAVE IM LOST WITHOUT YOU (pretty much a direct quote lol) your. wife doesn't. get back home until monday. I know this because I am smart and definitely have not been stalking you.

watson: alright :)))))

AND THEN HE FUCKING SLEEPS OVER LMAO FUCKING HOMOS

So yeah they're right back where they were before pretty much and there's a case bc of course there is

And honestly I think this short story specifically was so insane mostly just because of how absolutely fast it all went. Yuumori kind of made me believe the original Irene Adler was more of an important character than she really is? And I think that's. Honestly so funny. Motherfucker shows up for ten pages, girlbosses her way around town, and changes sherlock's entire opinion of the female gender while still keeping him gay?

LIKE NO LOL SHES NOT IN ANY WAY A LOVE INTEREST AND WATSON GOES OUT OF HIS WAY TO SPECIFY THE FACT THAT IN NO WORLD WOULD THEY HAVE BEEN ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED BECAUSE. SHERLOCK. DIDN'T DATE WOMEN.

HE WAS JUST??? SO IMPRESSED AND SHELL SHOCKED BY HER EXISTENCE HE DECIDED IT WAS TIME FOR GIRLBOSS APPRECIATION DAY TODAY AND ALL DAYS HENCEFORTH???

AND THEY HAVE LIKE O N E INTERACTION?? God, the power this woman(?) has. Watson looks at her once like. damb shawty 😳 and she's like "no<3" and he's like FUCK

Like yeah it's pretty much just the king walking up like "help girl the whore is blackmailing me" and sherlock being like "ok lol this will be easy" and then it proceeded to not in fact be easy or even possible

sherlock like... posed as a dead body and tried to get her to give up the location of the photo but she out-acted him and skipped the town the next day after doing the 'good night mr. sherlock holmes' thing with sherlock completely tricked

and she just. sends a letter like "dear sherlock holmes. you're a fucking idiot and i think it's funny that you lost. nice job tho mad respect" and sherlock just SHORT CIRCUITS

the king comes back a bit later like "hey Dude where's my Photo" and sherlock's like oh yeah uhhhhhhhhhhh about that and the king is like HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN THAT GODDAMN HARD i would have dated someone more noble if she wasn't so pretty i swear im on a whole different level from her

and then. GIRLBOSSIFIED SHERLOCK HOLMES RESPONDS "from what I have seen of the lady, she seems indeed to be on a very different level from your majesty" ABSEHHESHEFHHFES ROASTED

and the dude just LEAVES

After that I read a few more of the short stories and well the highlights I got from that pretty much were these conversations

Watson: sherlock. honey. have you. eaten anything today

Sherlock: IT DIDNT OCCUR TO ME DEAR WATSON

Watson: ITS FIVE PM

and:

Sherlock: *having one of his Moment Moments at three in the goddamn mornig* GRRRR CRIME ISNT WHAT IT USED TO BE

Watson: MY DEAR SHERCOCK WHAT IS CRIME S U P P O S E D TO BE LIKE ACCORDING TO YOU

Sherlock: no one's original anymore fucking copycats

Watson: so you want the criminals to make things harder for you specifically.

Sherlock, exasperated: yes!

I love them your honor.

[pennylogue]

thoughts on “together forever”

that tired way steven trudged down the stairs :( steven please just build a warp pad near connie’s college.

i don’t know what i’m more surprised about--steven opening with ruby, or how aggressively he did it. he got very emotional very fast! i’m kinda disappointed, however, that the gems still aren’t clocking how badly things are going for steven. wasn’t she at all worried about how lost he sounded? and she later admits that she knew he was going to propose no matter, and tells him a soulmate’s not going to fill the hole in his life. and then he goes to emotional eat and tells him not to do that. alright, garnet, i’m glad you’re helping him realize why his approach was poorly thought out but like...part of constructive criticism is giving suggestions, not just telling them why everything they’re doing is a bad idea, and i hope they address some of this later on. this line of thought is partially inspired by beaniekitten, who has some interesting thoughts on garnet’s actions throughout the episode.

it was nice, however, how they wove the theme of ruby and sapphire doing their own things into the set-up, and i really enjoy seeing a little more of them having a healthier and less codependent relationship! ruby being a scout leader is adorable and a great callback to her being a cowboy, and sapphire’s class is...well, it’s less adorable, but the idea of teaching gems to calculate the future is interesting. in other mediums, i’ve seen immortals being able to predict the future simply by recognizing patterns across time, and gems can live for thousands of years...

after that leak i think everyone was wondering what could possibly drive steven to propose. of fucking course it was these two useless lesbians. their hopeless optimism and the silly, musical-style tone really sold the plausibility of steven suddenly doing something so over the top, i’ll give them that.

based solely on the promo image, i predicted steven would be shopping for his proposal and that it would be a musical number. and i mean, he was humming...you know what? we take those.

man, they sure brought the fluff this episode. and lots of connverse fanservice. i mean a callback to the first time they met? a picnic? cute conversations? the gorgeous sunset lighting, those expressions, and the song? crewniverse always brings the fluff before the really painful parts. your mileage may vary if this is a kind of compensation or if it just makes the sadness hurt more, but either way, it’s effective. it’s extra sad, though, since it’s framed around a nice layer of steven’s worsening mental state.

that fucking song. it was absolutely gorgeous and i’m so happy they didn’t wait till the end of the series to break out the full power of zach callison’s vocal chords yet again. but the foreboding. like the entire time she’s thinking he means it metaphorically but honey. no these lyrics are so cute but he really means “i’d rather be me with you”. and “wherever we go/ I already trust/ I'd know what to do if it were us/ I'd know what to say/ I'd know how to be...” like rip my heart out why don’t you. “i can't think of any other thing in the world I would rather do,” yeah he literally actually can’t. why is everything beautiful in steven universe simultaneously a cry for help.

the chill that run through my heart on the shot of him getting down on one knee. like, why did they have to sell this so cute. they even use the glow bracelet. it’s interesting, actually, that a proposal steven’s making because “connie’s his future” is so focused on their past--very thematically appropriate. tho tbh it’s not like he could use a ring. that would just be weird. imagine going to a jewelry store and buying a ring set with a gem that’s half you.

they didn’t even have the picnic hhhhh

i’m a bit amused about how worried people were that connie was going to be steven’s therapist, considering how healthy her approach to their relationship is. she does her best to make time for him without compromising on her own needs. her reaction to the proposal is incredibly reasonable and very sweet--this relationship is not gonna become codependent on her watch, hell no. (tbh i’m more worried about her ridiculous study schedule than anything else about her.) she’s got an anchor and a direction, she’s looking into the future while he’s stuck in the present. her reaction to the proposal was “not now”, not “no”. thing is, connie’s thinking in the terms of decades, because the way she sees it, they have all the time in the world. but right now, despite all of steven’s worry about the future, he’s very much stuck in the present. and the present is: connie’s pulling away and just rejected his proposal and he can’t deal with that

steven putting his hand in one pocket, “i’m fine” and forcing a smile is so steven and so. painful.

re: the crater explosion. i love the bookend, setting up in the beginning of the episode that he’s doing this sinking thing when he has to separate from connie...and then at the end, despite his half-baked attempt to improve the situation, he feels even worse than before.

and he really lies there well into the night night huh. fucking fantastic.

so yeah this entire thing really works as a one and done of the whole ptsd thing next episode. like steven really does feel like the world ended because the response to his out of the blue proposal was a “not yet.” what was that about steven’s inability to not treat every situation as life and death having negative effects on his wellbeing? talk about show don’t tell.

[nihilisme]

How do you find value in yourself when so many times in your life, directly or indirectly, people don’t seem to find value in you?

Over and over again, from birth til now, people fail to give you the emotional nourishment that you need.

It is obviously wildly different as an adult vs as a child - unfortunately though, if you didn’t get the right type of affection and attention as a child, in the right doses, you’re kind of fucked (not forever, especially if you’re willing to work on yourself. But the damage is absolutely real).

We learn from our parents. If we didn’t form the right type of attachment early on, our relationships with other people reflect that. How can someone who was never taught the proper way of being affectionate be expected to recriprocate affection in a healthy way?

No wonder the cycle of abuse is a thing. You are drawn to what is familiar and what you know. And if what you’re familiar with is emotional neglect and abuse - why wouldn’t you repeat the same thing for yourself? You don’t know anything else.

The treatment that neurotypical people sometimes exhibit towards those with mental illnesses is so insidious. Mainstream society has always shoved people who are sick aside as probably their own family always had when they raised them. Or even if they were raised in loving families - if those neurotypical parents and siblings do not understand what it’s like to be mentally ill, it is SO much easier to shove you in the “ignore the attention whore” box instead of actually realizing people want attention for a reason.

I honestly cannot imagine where I’d be if I hadn’t met my boyfriend. And this isn’t a codependent I can’t live without him type of love. It is genuine, strong, and affectionate because he’s taught me what it really means to love someone. It’s not the same pattern of passive aggressivity, selfishness, and emotional neglect that I’ve experienced from my parents, past boyfriends, and some friends that I’ve had in the past. God this man cares for me and he’s shown me something different. He continually shows me over and over again that how I see myself isn’t how I should be seeing myself.

Unfortunately I have ran into situations and people recently that have been very triggering for me and it’s been tough. When you have trauma and are dealing with the fallout of said trauma sometimes the biggest hurdle you face is how much you gaslight yourself. Because over and over in your life you face people who didn’t have the strength to work on their own issues, so they project their emotional shortcomings toward you and you end up paying the fucking price.

I am an atheist and I don’t believe in the concept of a soul. It’s kind of akin to how I believe dogs smile. They don’t. They show affection and emotions differently. We only think some of them smile because we project our own emotions toward them. So then my belief in the emotional “soul” is a simplification of the complex notion of self discovery, mental healing, and emotional independence.

You lose your soul when you run into people who hurt you. It doesn’t matter how “small” you think their abuse was. Hurt is hurt. While there may be times that you could’ve handled certain situations better - it DOES NOT GIVE ANYBODY THE RIGHT TO MANIPULATE, MINIMIZE, GASLIGHT, OR STRAIGHT UP NEGLECT YOU. That is THEIR shortcoming. Not yours.

You CAN be loved. You DESERVE to be loved. And I am so sorry if this is something you need to be told over and over again... but it’s true. It will always be true despite how many times you may minimize, gaslight, or neglect your own feelings because that’s how people kept treating you. You are worthy. And if you don’t think you are right now, you will be worthy in the future because you actually care about being self aware so that you don’t hurt others the way others have hurt you.

And yeah. A lot of that was as much for myself as it was for any of you who need to hear that right now. It’s a constant thing. It’s tiring. But it will continue being true no matter how many setbacks you suffer through. And even setbacks are okay too. Just work through things one at a time and know that it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay, and you’re gonna be okay.