#he's such a tragic character it makes me so sad

[nile-the-empathy-cleric]

I'm a huge fan of your work, your writing is so beautiful, and the way you add your own personal love of art is just; it's genuinely amazing. I was wondering if you have any paintings that you think each of your favorite characters would represent or maybe even what u see when u look at them. ❤️🖼🎨🖌

Oh boy do I love this ask! Firstly, than you 🥺 you're too kind 💕

Second I have so many paintings that spring to mind for various characters! Immediately off the bat my brain went right to Lestat and how his presence and aesthetic (especially in 1920s New Orleans) gave gigantic J.C. Leyendecker vibes.

(left) The Sleuth J.C. Leyendecker, ca. 1906 and (right) Arrow Shirt Collar Ad, 1916. By J.C. Leyendecker For Arrow Shirt Collars, 1916

The way Leyendecker plays with shadow, light, and color to project an air of seduction and power is just *chef's kiss.* He is a master at depicting an idealized masculinity that still has a level of vulnerability. I don't think it's just the styling/ fashion of the men in Leyendecker's illustrations that remind me of Lestat, but the features as well. J.C. gives them this attitude of nonchalance but there's something deeply concerned with appearances underneath. Is that not Lestat?

For Claudia there are a couple. First (not a painting but a sculpture) is Degas' The Little Dancer Aged Fourteen. I look at this piece and think of the history of ballet and the connotations of ballet at the time Degas was working. In France at the time ballerinas were highly taken advantage of and exploited. The exploitation was sexual in nature and simultaneously adultified and infantilized. They were highly fetishized. It's very sad and tragic and it reminds me of Claudia. The Little Dancer has an almost defiant energy to her, like there is a sense of pride and restraint, something dignified despite her lesser social standing.

I also see something of Claudia in this piece: Girl in Pink Dress, ca. 1927 by Laura Wheeler Waring. I also think this girl embodies the qualities of both Bailey and Delainey's Claudias–– there's simultaneously an innocence and maturity. I see something similar in Isabella, (aka Young Woman with a Fan), 1906 by Simon Maris and I just think it's neat to see art of Black people done by a white person from the early 1900s that isn't fetishizing or racist (don't look at J.C. Leyendecker's art of Black people, yikes!)

For Louis, my first thought was Derek Fordjour's STRWMN, 2020. It gives NOLA Louis to me in terms of style, but also the colorful and fun energy has the vibes of his little journey of gay self-discovery in Paris. I also see Louis in Lois Mailou Jones' Negro Youth, 1929. It mirrors depressed Louis for me. There is something very fragile in his expression, but you can tell he's trying to be strong, much like Louis.

As for Armand? Well, the number one is Botticelli's Saint Sebastian (it just has an uncanny resemblance to Assad) and the metaphor is too apt to not point out. The other that immediately make me think of Armand is The Abduction of Ganymede by Correggio. It's less the painting and more the myth it's based on, but out of all the Ganymede paintings, Correggio's is my favorite.

And Daniel is just like... any Nan Goldin photo, but I'll pick Heart-shaped bruise, 1980. I don't think I need to give my thoughts here 😂

Thank you again for such a fun ask! I appreciate every message I get from anons and mutuals alike 🥰

[*Edit: Being transparent––I went back and corrected a mistake I made in the original because I don't want an inaccurate/ racist post going around, even after a correction in the reblogs if people aren't seeing the original. I accidentally implied that Laura Wheeler Waring was white. I meant the statement about Simon Maris, who was a Dutch portrait artist. Laura Wheeler Waring was a prominent Black artist. Lesson to self: do not write deeply thoughtful posts at 1 am while you have a fever.]

[kotenshi]

I am Thou, Thou art I.

[doverstar]

actually I love Tentoo and he is the Doctor and it was the only ending for Rose that worked and it is a huge gift to be able to have the man she loves grow old with her, they were always heading for that, y'all be quiet. I 100% understand the angst but it's okay, they're okay, good ending-

[gold0venice]

ah here goes another day of thinking how lonely jiang cheng must’ve been

[luck-of-the-drawings]

OH ARTHUR BENNETT.. such a gorgeous and intriguing character. terribly burdened by a GRUESOME set of crimes, his light suffocated by a HEAVY century of GUILT. so tragic, so dark and broody, and yet PAINFULLY awkward in any social setting ever

[mechanicalclown]

My GGY themed geometry notebook and a Dr. Rabbit drawing I made :o)

[clegfly]

Finally got caught up with TADC and to no one’s surprise I’m now uncontrollably sobbing over the tragic doomed loving couple

[jameswilsonmybeloved]

Spoilers: ending of House md

It's comforting to me to know that Hugh Laurie said House was not long for this world as well, and the director and others saying that season 8 would be the last.

Wilson is always there. He'll leave sometimes, or won't be there for a couple of episodes (months or a year in House timelime), but he comes back. It is clear throughout the story that there is no House without Wilson. House cannot exist without Wilson in the narrative, and it's beautiful that the show ends with the both of them riding off into the sunset. Season 9 cannot exist because if Wilson isn't there, then House won't be either.

[secriden]

there's something so tragic about tongrak's name meaning "must love". you must love. like a imperative. like a command.

because 'love' meant his mother's devotion to a man who wasn't worthy; because love doesn't discriminate (and sometimes that's a terrible thing).

because 'love' meant being treated like a piece in his mother's bid to keep his father close. his existence and name a sacrificed from a women whose obsession reduced her children to living tokens of her desperation.

because 'love' meant that his mother kept a man in the house who was a drunk and prone to violence and verbal abuse.

because 'love' meant his sister being abandoned by the man she trusted, left to pick up the pieces of her heart while he tried to hold her life together.

because 'love' meant giving his father an added target his cruelty and new a way to enact power and control through fear.

every time he hears his name, tongrak's being told that he must love, but how could tongrak ever love when this was what love brings?

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Teruko and Yosano should've faced off. I think Yosano should've been posed that question that Atsushi was; that reveal of the "future war" - Teruko went along with Fukuchi out of a mix of indebtedness and being at a loss for what to do. War is all she's known; of course she doesn't know. But Yosano has been to the depths of despair and come back out of it again. She might've faltered at this horrific reminder of her trauma, but when it comes down to it, she saves the lives before her. She fought for a way back to light and life. I just think there could've been a really interesting conflict there. And it would've made Teruko's role much more tragic if she wanted desperately for there to be a third option but just didn't have enough time to sit with it and process what that third option might be before Fyodor made it all go to hell.

Also a fight between them would've been interesting, because Teruko is much physically stronger than Yosano, but Yosano can heal from any physical injury inflicted. However, since we now know Teruko can alter mental age, she could inflict psychological wounds by de-aging her, which would've been a good callback to the horrors of war in her backstory, and also been a nice bit of foreshadowing for Teruko actually being a child.

Teruko eventually allowing Yosano to leave out that door after seeing her resolve would've been a deeply bittersweet and powerful moment, I think, especially in hindsight after her backstory reveal.

[cluescorner]

Long Post about Savage Opress because I am Normal

Savage Opress, you are everything.

You are at your strongest when you are fighting to protect the people you love. You had to participate in a battle royale and subjected yourself to a fate worse than death in order to protect your brother. You were forced to kill the brother you fought so hard to protect, your last words to him as he begged for his life were 'You make (me) weak'.

You are Frankenstein's monster, a kinslayer. You just have to live with that. Your mistress isn't giving you a choice in the matter.

You were placed under the control of a cruel master/mistress twice in the span of like a week. You were forced to betray your master and (under your mistress's orders) you killed two jedi, making you an enemy of the two most powerful entities in the galaxy. You made these enemies against your own will. You were lightning spammed and abused to the point that you were able to break free of your mistress's control.

You are then attacked by these two random jedi you have never met. They seem intent on bringing you in. They stand besides each other and fight to protect each other. You are reminded of how you did the same for your own brother. You killed that brother.

You run to the only home you've ever known, the same home that treated you as lesser-than and transformed you into what you are now. Your home is destroyed, all of your sisters are dead. You are upset by this. They were the cause of your suffering, but they were still kin.

You are told that you have a remaining brother, one who can make you strong enough to protect yourself. You decide to travel across the galaxy to find him. You killed your last brother, you will do anything for this one.

You seem to create trouble everywhere you are now. You are now incapable of solving problems without violence, so violence is what you become. You become hatred. You had love once, but everything that you loved is dead. Except for your remaining brother. You do whatever you must to find him.

You find your brother. Your brother is delirious and half-dead, but he is your brother and you found him. You can fix this. Your brother sees you too, or at least he sometimes does. You are a reflection of him, of what he was meant to be. You are strong and powerful. Your brother is not anymore, but he will be soon.

Your mother, the same woman who took you and warped you into a monster (that is what everybody calls you now), fixes your brother. Your brother grabs your face and twists it, painfully examining your every pore. You don't begrudge him this. You have done the same to it. Your face isn't yours, but it is the only face you have.

Your brother screams for vengeance against Kenobi, he must have revenge. You must stand by your brother, he is all that is left. You embark on a quest of vengeance against a man you only briefly met.

You become everything your brother needs you to be. You are his protector, his sword, his second-in-command. You have love again and you will do anything to keep it this time.

Your brother is a terrible person. Your brother will massacre a village for the sake of getting Kenobi's attention. Your living brother is nothing like the one you killed. You aren't sure this is a good thing.

Your brother lures Kenobi to the village and you both capture him. Your mistress shows up and immediately sets about belittling you. You are the monster she and your mother created. You are not her thrall anymore, you can fight her now. You do exactly that.

Your mistress and Kenobi retreat, your brother chooses to bide his time. You will wait with him.

Your brother and you infiltrate a ship, finding a fortune of credits. You are happy with this, you have never seen this much money in your life. Your brother's only fortune is the downfall of Kenobi.

Your brother calls you apprentice, decides that is what your relationship is now. You don't see the need for dominance, you are brothers after all. Your brother disagrees and you will subject yourself to this for your brother's sake. You are a reflection of him, of all his past flaws. You are devoted to those you love and able to feel things other than vindictive glee or hatred. Your brother is not anymore, he might never be again.

You think your brother is incapable of love. You love him all the same.

You and your brother next run into Kenobi with another Jedi Master. You do not know her name nor anything about her. You kill her, goring her with your (far larger than they should be) horns and running her through with your lightsaber. Your master is not forcing your hand this time, you can finally choose to make an enemy of the Jedi. You would have been their enemy either way, but the false choice is comforting regardless.

You and your brother corner Kenobi. You think for a moment that you have gotten the upper-hand, then Kenobi cuts your arm off. Your body leaks green magic. Your mother's magic still holds power over you even after everything. You wish it didn't.

Your brother shoves Kenobi away from you and decides to retreat. You aren't sure if this is a sign of affection towards you or if this is a strategic move. Your brother speaks as if it's the latter. You see no reason to believe otherwise.

You manage to escape, but are left adrift in space. You are freezing and slowly running out of oxygen. Your home was warm and full of breatheable air. You are alone with only a brother who calls you 'apprentice' for company. Your home was filled with brothers who called you by your name or by 'brother'. You are alive. Your home and brothers are dead.

You next wake up in an unfamiliar place. You smash all the equipment around you. You are now incapable of solving problems without violence, so violence is what you have become. Your brother informs you that his plans have changed, and now you two will be working with Deathwatch. You have no idea what Deathwatch is or who your brother just made a deal with. You will follow him regardless.

You stand up and hit your head on the lamp above you. You were supposed to be shorter than you are now. Your body is wrong. You look in the mirror and you are not yourself. Your body isn't yours, but it is the only body you have.

Your brother takes over Mandalore. You watch as your brother marches Kenobi into the throne room and prepares to execute the Duchess of this planet.

Kenobi offers sympathy. Kenobi recognizes that your brother never had a choice in joining the dark side. Kenobi had gone to your village and seen what it is like for the nightbrothers. Kenobi, despite everything, is trying to be kind.

You hear your story in Kenobi's words. You never had a choice in any of this. You never stood a chance. Your body isn't yours, your mind has been warped and twisted into serving the goals of another. You only wanted to protect your brother.

Your brother kills the love of Kenobi's life. Your brother has stripped himself and you of any possible chance to take the olive branch Kenobi was extending. You ask if you should kill Kenobi now. You know that stewing in grief and guilt can be a terrible fate. Your brother decides to keep him imprisoned. Your brother is counting on the Kenobi stewing in his grief and guilt. Your brother wants to drag out his suffering for as long as possible.

Your brother is in charge for less than a rotation. Your brother panics and bows before a withered old man, calling him 'master'. Your brother lies and fawns to his master. Your brother's master does not care.

You have never met this man before. You have no reason to fight him. Your brother is terrified of him. Your brother grovels before nobody, but he bows before this man. You don't have to do this.

Your brother needs you. You draw your weapon.

You manage to get a hit in on your brother's master. You are one of very few in the galaxy who can say that. You are at your strongest when you are fighting to protect the people you love.

You are stabbed in both your hearts. Your efforts to protect your brother, your pain and suffering, your love and affection, you, Savage Opress, you don't matter. You didn't know it, but you were fighting the most powerful being in the galaxy.

You never had a choice. You never stood a chance.

You die thinking you were unworthy of your brother. Your brother never said or did anything to make you think otherwise. You die calling yourself apprentice, that is the relationship your brother wanted. Your brother holds your hand as you die, it is trembling. You aren't sure if it is from grief or hatred. You decide it must be the latter. Your brother is only capable of hatred.

You knew your brother was incapable of love. You loved him all the same.

You don't know that you might have been the only thing your brother cared about besides his vengeance. You don't know that when you are unconcious he calls you by your name, he calls you brother. You don't know that he nearly killed the Death Watch soldiers, but stopped when they threatened you. You couldn't know. Your brother never told you.

You don't know that he uses his grief as fuel for his duel with Sidious. You don't know that he switches his ire away from Kenobi and decides that his former master is a more pressing target of his hatred You don't know that he spends the rest of his days trying to find a new apprentice to fill the hole you left and that it never works. You will never know. You are dead.

You died realizing you were nothing like your brother. You never were. Your body shrinks down, you finally look like yourself again. You can't be happy about this. You can't take relief in the fact that all the magic which ruined your life has been dispelled. You can't feel anything. You are dead.

You are right. You are nothing like Darth Maul. Your brother is motivated by hatred, you are motivated by love. Your brother will die having found peace, you died having found nothing but pain and grief and yet more pain.

You are my favorite magical girl and you have suffered so much more than Jesus.

[sophfandoms53]

Hi, same ‘how can I make this about Striker’ anon from before. I dont know how to feel about the ‘Satan is Striker’s father theory’ because on 1 hand I guess it could work??? But also it just doesnt sit that right with me, like I feel like if Striker was literally half sin he’d act/be more powerful than he was shown to be so far. My numerous ideas for his backstory basically change by the daily because I think about him too much but I only gave credence to the ‘Striker’s half royalty’ idea once and even then I wrote it in a way where Striker didnt know about it/had zero idea that was the case to begin with.

Not to mention that him being half-royalty would technically be a way to dismiss his (very valid) arguments about the upper class but maybe thats just me imagining the worse case scenario. For all I know it could be the most well-executed plot point ever.

If Satan isn’t Striker’s father than once we actually see the Envy Ring we’re gonna get ‘Leviathan is Striker’s father’ theories instead because they’re both snake-based. If Striker IS half royalty, than I could imagine it to be some sort of goetia, maybe, but half deadly sin? Next Striker ep appearance would need to have him pull off the most insane shit ever that a imp cant do for me to consider it plausible

I’m responding to this so late but omg anon yes you’re so right.

I feel like the only way the twist of Striker being a half blueblood could work would be if he straight up didn’t know about it and/or if they suddenly give him more power and strength that we’ve never seen from any other imp, like you mentioned. But again regardless of him knowing or not, like you also said, it completely negates his entire character and everything Striker’s said up to this point about royals and how they treat those lower than them.

Which only continues to be validated to the point where Blitz is now echoing his sentiments in canon. So like ??? It wouldn’t make sense for the show to suddenly invalidate Striker’s points after directly paralleling his words with Blitz’s.

Striker’s entire existence is to be a dark reflection of Blitz anyway. They’re two sides of the same coin. Striker is who Blitz would be if he let himself drown in his sorrows and his grief. If he let his anger control him. If he let himself do things alone. For as much as Blitz pushes people away he cares too much about others to truly let himself be alone.

As far as we know - Striker has always been alone. Or at least we know he’s been alone since he lost everything. Which is honestly the big thing people are missing when they talk about the Striker is Satan’s son theory - the entire scene where Striker voices his grievances to Stolas about his experience with royals.

This is the scene that tells us everything. And if it was meant to foreshadow something as huge as Striker being a literal sin’s child then the dialogue choice and the BODY LANGUAGE of Striker during this monologue would be insanely different.

The emphasis this scene gives to his claims of having to live a hard life, losing everything, and being talked over. That is Striker talking about his experience.

His feelings. His loss. His anger.

He is SO angry. Too angry for it all to just be about being a bastard son.

I’ve watched, analyzed, and thought SO MUCH about this moment right before he cuts Stolas’ ropes.

The pure disgust and anger on his face. The way he shakes. His eye twitches. He grinds his teeth. He growls. He’s pissed.

This is insanely personal to him. This is part of him. This is who he is. This disdain runs through his veins. He’s made it part of his identity. He was so scorned that he just cannot let it go.

This is not just anger about a royal parent or a loss of status.

This is anger from a man who was failed by Hell’s system and has not healed from it. He has not allowed himself to heal and he refuses to.

This is Striker’s way of taking back control that he once lost.

And not even mentioning the fact that Striker’s canonically a WANTED MAN in TWO Rings.

Wrath (y’know Satan’s ring) AND Pride.

Considering royalty in this universe is all about status and reputation, you’d think a sin wouldn’t want their kid just having their face plastered everywhere like that?? Cuz it’s embarrassing?? Just wanted to point that out😭

[wickmitz]

was once again glancing at the lackadaisy reddit and i genuinely feel a little crazy about how people perceive the wick and mitzi arc from retinue to sneakthief? or, honestly, their arc in general. to act as though wick is some patron saint greatly amuses me when it’s implied by mitzi and the comic that wick had either proposed a business deal himself or had been very amendable to talk about it after their kiss and / or other intimate acts last night … mitzi didn’t pull this out of her ass! she did not put this upon wick randomly. it was something they mutually agreed to do, and given how hard wick tries to wiggle away from the conversation without outright saying no ( aka giving excuses to stall ) i would even guess he essentially already agreed to such a deal, in the throes of passion, only for him to not fully mean it later. this doesn’t mean it was right at all for her to then steal from wick! this isn’t me excusing that! but wick isn’t some poor meow meow either in this scenario, even if he is the ‘lesser’ evil overall.

and tbh i also think the conversation was doomed from the start : wick was horrifically exhausted and was still too shaken up by rocky’s ‘joke’ to fully engage with mitzi, as well as finally having church’s warning start to weigh on him … and then there’s mitzi, who wasn’t faring any better! what with viktor out of commission, asa turning on her, mordecai threatening her, and then having spent most of the afternoon hearing her dead husband’s name be thrown around. in order to hurt her and scare her into obedience, mind you. like, neither were in any state to discuss business or romance!! so it’s no surprise it went poorly. especially when both of them were equally sore and testy during their date.

[the-acid-pear]

Yesterday I was replaying Deltarune and I was going really insane about it picking up on things I missed on my first playthrough and something that fucked me up hard was this line here

The little ellipsis at the end, almost like you can hear the regret on their voice. Voice of an ad who is realizing maybe they fucked up on this one. But it also made me think of... The possibility of this being a reaction to Spamton's actions.

Because I don't think this was an automatic thing, I feel like their drifting off was gradual. Sure, their jealousy had won them over (I'd have killed the guy or myself if I was them so I don't even blame them) but Spamton was too getting busier and busier the more famous he got, and as they say, that never stopped. He only kept getting bigger, until it all came crashing down. And when it did it was one of them who tried to go find him, after all that.

But I digress, let's focus on the original quote from my favorite sigma enby themselves, Pink Addison. There's obviously not only the regret to it, but feeling like they were abandoned too. Both parties lost a lot and the real tragedy is just how easily it could've have been avoided! Or rather, how beyond their control it was...

But I'll get off topic if I keep speaking so I'll leave it at that. The sheer tragedy that there is to everyone involved just makes me insane. Like I said in a post previous to this; you cannot trace down a good guy or a bad guy in this tale, it's just desperate people taking awful decisions and living to regret their actions.

[scrimblospectrumdisorder]

unironically one of the most fucked up endings to any manga ever i literally cried for like 30 minutes when I first reached the last few chapters of this

[that-was-anticlimactic]

can we just talk about how kenji has one of the Most tragic abilities in bungou stray dogs??? like. the more i think about it, the more heartbreaking it is.

he's fourteen years old and has an ability people would die/kill for. in s3, chuuya called kenji the ada's "trump card", so it's safe to assume the rest of the port mafia thinks the same way. he is immune to literal bullets, to being whacked in the head by hard metal or pretty much anything, he can easily lift cars above his head as if they were nothing,,,

but only if he's hungry.

if you ignore that last bit, kenji has one of the best powers in the show. and like he still does, but my God. he's fourteen years old. he doesn't think his ability is all that impressive. he doesn't see the issues.

since he has a job, he probably doesn't Really eat lunch, and if he does, it's snacks. but also his job is a part of the armed detective agency. therefore, things happen all the time. who knows how long cases will run, who knows when someone will try to destroy yokohama or the agency or whatever. there's been many times when it's been clear that they've had to work into the night. then we have to ask: does kenji eat dinner? no. probably not. and if he does, he probably just eats a piece of fruit or something small. that way, he doesn't lose his ability. he is the agency's trump card, after all. and he knows how important his power is. i mean, that's one of the reasons he joined ranpo and the others when they went against fukuzawa's orders in s3. it's not explicitly stated, but i'd argue that it's implied. anyways. does kenji eat breakfast? well, i don't think so. why? he sleeps when he eats. why sleep so soon after he just woke up? he has to go to work, anyways. so he can't fall asleep.

so, we've basically established that kenji probably has an extremely unhealthy eating schedule due to his ability. but also,,, what about his sleeping schedule? what kind of relationship does he have with sleep? so, let's say he eats a full meal three times a day: breakfast, lunch, and dinner. let's say how long he sleeps depends on how much he ate... so let's say that a small snack is no sleep since it's barely anything, just maybe makes him a little physically weaker. and a normal meal is at least an hour. that's at least three hours of sporadic sleep during the day - one of them shortly after he wakes up. but you know what makes that even sadder? what if kenji doesn't sleep at night because of his ability. or, sleep consistently or well? we can assume the agency actually really wants kenji to eat, even if he falls asleep, so on days when he can't get away with not really eating, he sleeps during the day for an unspecified amount of time. his sleep schedule would get so thrown off. also, he was raised on a farm, so we can assume he wakes up really early anyways. maybe early enough to say that there isn't any reason to sleep because he would wake up soon normally anyways.

and... what if kenji can't sleep without eating? what if kenji has to eat to sleep? maybe it wasn't that way when he was younger, but the older he got, the more his body grew to rely on his ability's exception. like... that's just... really sad. this kid is fourteen.

and think about it. the agency is best friends because they are. they'd probably like to go out to lunch or dinner together. i bet half the time at least, kenji wouldn't eat. why? because he'd fall asleep. wouldn't want to ruin the fun. because then they'd have to watch their volume around him or try to wake him up (and i hc that it's really hard to wake him up for like... the first ten minutes after a meal at least - it gets easier the longer he's been asleep or the less he eats). and what if they can't wake him up? then someone would have to carry him back and that's so kind of them but, well, they didn't have to and now kenji feels like a liability or a burden. like he ruined all the fun.

and he works with the armed detective agency. they've got a lot of enemies. he is the trump card. the physically strongest on the team. also the most naive and, objectively, the kindest. oh and one of the two youngest. can you imagine how vulnerable he is when he sleeps? i would imagine the agency wouldn't want him to eat by himself in public for, you know, safety reasons. and that even includes the cafe downstairs. who knows what could happen if kenji fell asleep on his own? and that's probably why he went to eat with atsushi in s1 ep11: he was with atsushi so he could eat out. one of those rare chances. and if an enemy did get to him while he was asleep, he'd be pretty easy to keep out of it: just keep forcing him to eat. shove food in his mouth, force him to swallow. and there you are: you have the armed detective agency's trump card. and kenji knows this.

and the sad thing is? kenji probably doesn't even realize he's having problems. he probably thinks this is normal. something he just has to deal with - and i don't say that in a negative or self-loathing kind of way. a genuine "it's always been like this; i know nothing else" kind of way. he wants to help people: that's why he came to the agency. he couldn't handle not being able to help everyone back home. he needs to be useful, to help. he grew up on a farm: he values hard work a lot - that much is obvious. he feels like he can't help if he eats consistently. he's probably (albeit subconsciously, unknowingly) scared of what would happen if he did eat and sleep consistently. that means he's not useful, right? that means someone will get hurt because of him. he'd rather starve than someone else get hurt. he was given this ability, he has to use it to help people.

tldr: kenji's ability is so interesting and underutilized in the the manga/anime and in the fandom and is so overlooked in angst potential. his ability most likely has ruined his eating and sleeping schedule to the point where he doesn't know anything different and genuinely thinks it's healthy because it's what he's always done, it's what he was blessed with, right? kenji deserves more love in canon and by the fandom <3