#he's just like this crazy lady is where I draw the line

[emotinalsupportturtle]

Riley Flynn after the most traumatic day in his life (??) just be like..

His expressions the entire time Bev is talking are just fucking hilarious. (they also scream "just shut up already" and he's so real for that)

[monstersflashlight]

Day 8. Monster-kinktober: Medieval Menace + Aftercare/Role play

A/N: This is medieval role-play and the idea is thanks to @hyperionferrison who suggested: “county/country fair where they have harness pulls and the like-fem reader teases a minotaur and a centaur competing in a contest against each other that the winner can have her. They decide to pull to a draw and double team the cock-tease”. This is completely and utterly historically inaccurate, and you have to be very imaginative with the poses, but I think it’s quite good, so have fun!

Minotaur x centaur x fem!reader || sharing is caring, role-play, teasing, oral sex, spit-roast, size difference

“And the price… for today’s harness pull is… this pretty lady,” the announcer said as you shivered in anticipation.

You looked over all the monsters waiting in line and measured them mentally, deciding where your hope laid. There was a couple of them that you could see yourself going back with, and there you saw them. There was a minotaur and a centaur who looked so big and strong that they looked like mountains between all the others.

You slowly sashayed your way towards them, pushing your chest up so your boobs looked indecent in your corset, almost spilling out. You heard some of the monsters gasping when you passed, but you didn’t mind them any attention, your body already choose, and you knew they will win, either of them was fine… both of them would be golden.

“You, and you,” you said pointing at them, your neck pulled back to be able to see their faces, so far over you. The size difference was so noticeable that your pussy was already tingling about it. Your inner size queen self was more than ready to be stretched. “Whoever wins can have me,” you announced, talking loud enough so everyone could hear, but directing your words just at you.

“I’ll win and we’ll have the best night of your life, my lady,” the minotaur said, his voice deep and rough, sending sparks down your spine.

“You won’t win anything, bull,” the centaur said, sounding like an insult, “I will make sure you end the night satisfied, my lady,” he added. They looked at each other and growled, making you whimper softly, your pussy getting soaked under the many layers of your skirt.

“Let the contest begin,” the organizer behind you repeated, alerting more participants around you.

You weren’t worried, you knew the rest had no choice in front of the big minotaur and strong centaur, their strength was unmatched. And when the contest began, they rapidly started outshining every other contestant, to everyone’s amazement. The crowd was cheering like crazy, frenzy rising among the people around you as they pulled. It was a spectacle to behold, their muscles bulging and their bodies pushing forward… Your body reacted immediately, getting wetter and more aroused every time they moved.

By the time there were only two left, you felt like you were melting, your underwear soaked and your clit tingly as they were only two left. As expected, the minotaur and the centaur stood one in front of the other, growling at each other faces. But when a smile broke on their faces, you felt like lightning hit your body. Something big happened right there, too far away from you to hear.

“We aren’t going to pull anymore,” the centaur announced loud enough for everyone to hear. Someone gasped beside you, and you stood there, mouth open and confused.

“What then?” The announcer asked, as confused as everyone else.

“We share the price,” the minotaur explained, looking directly at you. You had to fan yourself, suddenly you felt too hot under your clothes.

Some random person asked: “Is that allowed?” And to everyone’s surprise, the announcer nodded.

“Very well, gentlemen, the price is yours to do whatever you want with her.” You shivered again, your body too pent up with desire to even comprehend the whole implications of the two monsters sharing you. But when they approached you, everyone around them stepped back.

The minotaur arrived to you first, his hand coming around your waist, cupping a feel of your ass as he did so. “Let’s go to the inn to find a place to retrieve our price, my lady…” He teased as he grabbed you by the waist and hoisted you over the centaur’s back. You laughed cheerfully as they moved through the crowd towards the inn, your pussy getting wetter and wetter by the minute.

You were in a daze as they drove you into a room, everything looked tidy and neat, but you didn’t care at all. They slowly let you down to your feet and stared at you, expectantly. You only wanted to be ravished by those two monsters that won you in the contest. And you verbalized that, much to their surprise: “Who is going to have his way with me first?” You asked, cheekily. They looked at you with utter surprise as the minotaur broke down into a big laugh.

“You are a true gem, my lady,” he let out between laughs. You were about to answer when the centaur grabbed your head roughly and claimed your mouth in the most passionate kiss you’ve ever received. You whimpered against his lips as he devoured you. “Good Goddess you two look amazing together,” the minotaur added, the laugh long gone and a spark of need in his tone. “My turn,” he said as he pulled you away from the centaur’s mouth and claimed your mouth until you were breathless and your legs gave out under you. But they got you.

Two seconds later you were laying flat on the bed, and your clothes were slowly being peeled off your body by four grabby hands that teased and groped every inch of uncovered flesh. By the time you were naked, you were a panting mess of need, and they were two hungry beasts trying to devour you. You squirmed as they stared at your naked glory, and when they launched at you at the same time you screamed in joy.

The centaur took off his loincloth and approached you, his dick moving side to side in the most mesmerizing rhythm. It looked magnificent, giant and leaking, all red and needy for you. You wanted to be a witch in that moment, just so you could do some kind of magic to swallow him down completely. But there was no way you could take more than his tip in your mouth, probably not even that because of his girth.

“I can’t- I can’t take it all,” you lamented when the centaur cock was in front of your face, pouting as you looked at it.

“Don’t worry about it, my lady, I would take whatever you want to give me,” his tone was reverent as he positioned himself over you, his hooves close to your head. He looked like a giant looking down at you like that, and that made it even hotter for some weird reason.

“You are being too nice to her, she’s our price after all,” the minotaur said somewhere between your legs.

The centaur position over your body made it impossible for you to see anything but his dick and balls. It was a great sight. You were about to answer him when his mouth made contact with your dripping cunt. You cried out, and the centaur took advantage of your open mouth to press the tip against your mouth. You licked over it without even thinking, your body reacting before your brain could process it.

Your brain was trying to make sense of all the sensations at once, the huge tongue of the minotaur licking over your sensitive flesh as he growled low every time you clenched over nothing, so needy to be filled. And in the other end, the tasteful flavor of the centaur against your taste-buds, your tongue going over and over the tip and collecting all the precum pooling there. He kept making those tiny whimpers that were driving you insane.

When the minotaur pushed a big finger inside your pussy, you opened your mouth in a gasp, accidentally swallowing more of the centaur’s cock and choking on it a tiny bit. He instantly pulled back, apologizing, but you didn’t want any of that, you could feel your pleasure building as you grabbed his cock with both hands and started stroking it in earnest, your mouth finding the tip again, sucking around it and making him scream your name.

The first orgasm took you by surprise, you screamed around the dick in your mouth as the minotaur roared against your pussy, his big tongue collecting all your juices as his fingers pressed against your G-spot. It was marvelous, better than ever. You laid there quiet and content for a total of five seconds before you felt the tip of an enormous dick against your still twitching pussy and the centaur whined over you, reminding you he existed.

You groaned loud and deep, launching for his cock again, alternating between sucks and jerking him off with both hands. The second the minotaur pushed his dick inside of you, you were seeing stars, he was so big he filled you completely, all your nerves coming to attention at the same time. He couldn’t fit inside of you, not completely, but he pushed until you could feel him tickling your cervix. It was the most amazing feeling ever, and your eyes rolled back into your head.

Nobody spoke, there was only a symphony of groans, moans and whimpers as the minotaur fed your pussy and you fed on the centaur’s cock. The combination of dicks was soon too much for your poor body and brain, and you exploded into a thousand pieces of high pleasure as the minotaur filled you with his seed and you swallowed the first shoot of the centaur’s come. He pulled back to avoid choking you, painting your face and tits with his come as the minotaur’s come overflowed your pussy and made a mess out of your southern region.

By the time all of you were done, you were covered in come and completely sated, your body too tired to even think of moving. “I’m sleepy…” You whispered, your voice almost gone. You closed your eyes as you heard some movement around you, your body suddenly cold. But it didn’t remain like that for long.

“We know, darling, but we need to take care of you. You promised you would let us do this after this little game. You need to pee and we even prepared a bath. Don’t you want a bath? It’s all warm,” your minotaur boyfriend tried to convince you to move, his hands slowly caressing your body.

You whined, not wanting to move, but you raised your arms to indicate you wanted to be carried. He chuckled and did exactly that, walking with you to the bathroom where your centaur boyfriend was adding some essential oils to the water. “Come here, babe, you deserve to be cared for,” he told you kissing your forehead softly.

They slowly washed all the cum from your body, tender hands and fingers traveling all over to make sure you were relaxed and content.

“Told you the medieval fair was going to be good,” you mumbled as one of them washed your hair.

“Yeah, yeah, you are always right, my lady,” the minotaur joked much to the centaur’s amusement.

They took care of you until your body was languid and relaxed, and then cuddled with you in bed until your breathing evened out and you fell asleep between their warm bodies… That night you fell in love with them a tiny bit more.

[gureumz]

burn

rating: explicit

member: jungwon

notes: fem!reader, reader is a couple years older than him, acquaintances to lovers, medieval/renaissance (?) royalty au (i made the time period as vague as possible so anywhere from the 1500s to 1700s should be fine i guess), talks of marriage, loss of virginity, unprotected sex

a/n: IMPORTANT! i was hesitant to put this out at first because i know there's tension when it comes to explicit content regarding jungwon, but i didn't make this out to be anything too crazy, so no hard/taboo kinks as i don't feel quite okay writing those for him as of now. i did enjoy writing this piece as i'm a history buff and love the drama. of royal courts so,,,please enjoy!

it was getting too much.

the stares, the "innocent" touches, the silences that followed each strained conversation.

you had been patient. you had been steadfast. you had stood your ground.

but the flicker of desire inside you was slowly catching on, and you know, it would soon be roaring fiercely despite your efforts to tamp it down.

you gather your skirts and trudge on out of the library, knowing the princess would be looking for you, given the length of time you've been away. the hallway is quiet, as you expected. the end of supper time is drawing near, and everyone in the castle would soon retire to their private chambers.

the princess was dining with her family in her father's royal suite, along with a handful of courtiers and ladies-in-waiting, much like yourself. you had excused yourself for a moment under the guise that you were in need of the privy, but in truth, you could not bear to be in the room with him any longer.

he'd been staring, longer than he should be, and you were afraid that someone would take notice.

you had stood behind the princess, curtsying briefly before asking to take your leave. she waved you off without a second thought, though you did not miss the questioning glint in her eye as she did so.

you caught his gaze briefly just before you left.

prince jungwon had smiled in your direction, seemingly amused at your flustered state.

you suddenly blank as you turn a corner, your shoulder colliding with something, causing you to stumble backward. you reach out instinctively to steady yourself, just as a hand grabs you by the arm.

"my lady," a voice croons in your ear, and you feel your dinner churning inside you.

you straighten yourself out, smoothing down the wrinkles in your dress as you look jungwon in the eye.

"your grace," you begin. "i was just on the way back to supper."

"no need," jungwon informs with a tilt of his head. "supper has ended. my sister does seem to want to know where you've wandered off to, though."

you swallow thickly. "i will return to her chambers right away."

you bow, hoping he would drop the conversation, but you feel his hand lay gently on your shoulder. you freeze, acutely aware that no man who isn't your lover or husband should be touching you like this in public.

"i'm sure she would not mind if you stayed out a little longer?" jungwon says as you fiddle with the lace trim on your bodice.

"doing what, your grace?" you question, turning back to look at him.

jungwon smiles, his dimples prominent in the firelit hall.

"take a walk with me," jungwon offers.

"if she asks where you've been, you can always say you were with me."

you draw in a breath. "i don't think that would be wise."

"my sister has five other ladies-in-waiting to attend to her. one would not be amiss," jungwon tries to convince you, taking your hand in his.

"what i meant was, it would not be appropriate to be left alone with you," you protest, watching as he lifts your hand to his lips, brushing them gently over your knuckles.

your skin tingles with a feeling you can't quite place.

"and why not?" jungwon asks, running his thumb over the spot where he had kissed your hand.

you look into his large, cat-like eyes. you're bewildered at how dashing he looks in this proximity, the sharp line of his nose exaggerated by the shadows cast by the torches around you. his lips curve into another one of his handsome smiles, and the way he looks at you is more than enough cause for you to shake inwardly with want.

"you know why," you finally answer. "it is not proper."

jungwon cocks his head to the side as if waiting for you to continue.

"we're not betrothed, or known lovers, for that matter. the direction we're heading..."

you pause, hoping jungwon would understand what you're talking about.

"it's dangerous."

"do you not hold any affection for me, lady ______?" jungwon addresses you formally, perhaps a jest, given the smirk playing on his lips.

"i had thought you did," jungwon continues, reaching out to toy with a loose strand of your hair that seemed to have fallen from the intricate braids that decorate your head.

"why would you think that?" you challenge. your heart beats twice as fast now.

the flicker of flames begins to crackle.

"you do not throw yourself at me like the other ladies in this castle do," jungwon replies, his thumb ghosting over your cheek and down your jaw.

"you avoid me, make any excuse to separate yourself from me," jungwon goes on.

"but when you do find yourself in my presence, your eyes cannot seem to leave mine."

you inhale sharply.

it's true. much like earlier, you make such efforts to create as much distance as possible between you and jungwon. like a fox slinking away from its predator.

but to you, jungwon was like a city cat: sly and clever. despite the couple of years you had on him, he was always one step ahead. you could never escape him. it didn't matter how grand his family's castle was, you will always find your way to each other.

"do you hold any affection for me, your grace?" you ask, raising a brow.

jungwon chuckles at this.

"of course."

your eyes widen at his admission and a laugh escapes the prince's lips.

"you thought i would shy away from such a confession?" jungwon taunts, stepping closer, his hands resting on your waist.

the fire burns brighter, still.

jungwon leans in and panic fills you. you were not in one of the castle's secluded corners where shadows are ready to conceal whatever is to come next. anyone could walk by and find you and the prince in this compromising position.

but all is forgotten when jungwon presses his lips against yours, gentle and cautious, as if wary that he might scare you off.

as a lady of a respectable background, you have always been reminded by your family to keep your virtue with you. you are not to mess with boys and no such inappropriate behavior shall be tolerated from you.

as a lady of a respectable background, you had your way around this.

this is not the first time you've been kissed, but the weak peck of lips against your own when you were but a young girl was nothing compared to the way jungwon's lips seems to be melting against yours.

you pull jungwon closer by the front of his tunic, feeling the firm muscles shifting beneath.

"we mustn't," you protest weakly against his lips. "not here."

jungwon pulls away, breathing heavily, eyes dark as he gazes at you. you stare back at him, anticipation coursing through your body.

what now?

"to my chambers," jungwon whispers, grasping your hand in his. you start to protest as he pulls you along, but he shushes you.

"quickly," jungwon urges, dashing down the hallway towards his room.

luckily for both of you, your destination had been nearby, and no guards are on patrol on this side of the castle. you arrive in front of the heavy double doors of jungwon's room, both of you out of breath and brimming with feelings you did not care to address.

jungwon pushes you against the hard wooden doors, lips pressing up against yours once more. you let out a surprised sound, but it's caught in your throat when you feel jungwon's hand running down the side of your leg. he dips down, grabbing the back of your knee, before hooking your leg around his waist.

you gasp, feeling him press up against you. you feel something hard beneath his breeches.

the flames are catching on, moving up farther and farther.

"your grace," you start, increasingly worried that someone would see you.

"forgive me," jungwon says with a sheepish grin. "restraint is hard to come by when you're around."

you flush at his words, but before you can reply, jungwon turns the knob to one side of the door, hurriedly pushing you inside before letting it close behind him. he turns the lock in place and lets the second steel bar fall across the wood, ensuring the utmost privacy for the two of you.

"your grace," you begin once more.

"jungwon," he says pointedly. "you may call me by my given name."

you gulp, the situation finally catching up to you. "jungwon."

"i...i do not wish to give myself to someone i will not marry," you explain, holding jungwon at arm's length. he examines your face, gently brushing your hair away from your forehead.

"we won't do anything you don't want to," jungwon reassures, placing a kiss on your forehead.

"but that's precisely it," you say, circling your arms around jungwon's neck.

"i want to do everything," you whisper.

"i want to do everything with you."

jungwon raisies an eyebrow, a grin tugging at his lips.

"are you the one proposing to me, my lady?" jungwon teases, his hand pressing gently on your lower abdomen. he travels down further between your legs, rubbing you through your gown.

you sigh, clutching at jungwon's clothes. you lean forward to leave a trail of kisses down his neck, enjoying the way he groans softly.

"is there any other woman you wish to marry?" you ask, smiling against his neck.

"no," jungwon answers simply, taking you by surprise as he pushes you towards his perfectly made-up bed, plush with the finest covers and blankets.

you stumble backward onto the cushiony surface, propping yourself up on your elbows as you watch jungwon undo the strings of his breeches. you gasp as he lets them fall, exposing all of his lower body to you.

jungwon catches your eye and leans down, kissing you with newfound vigor.

the fire crackles, just shy of bursting into wild flames.

"we can stop," jungwon murmurs as he pulls away. "whatever you want, my love, i will follow."

you shiver at the endearment, your fingers gently threading through jungwon's hair. with your other hand, you reach down to gather your skirt around your waist.

"i want you," you whisper, kissing jungwon sweetly.

you lay back down on the mattress, watching as jungwon eyes your exposed core with undeniable lust. jungwon bites his lip, guiding his straining length to your entrance. you feel a mild burn as he pushes in, the wet squelch of your arousal reaching your ears as he slips further into you.

you have had a man down there before, but merely with his fingers. the thickness of jungwon's cock contrasts with anything you've felt before, stretching you painfully, but you urge yourself to persist, clawing at jungwon's sleeves.

"my love, my dear," jungwon says, stilling over you.

"wait," you plead. "just, wait."

jungwon kisses you tenderly, stroking one side of your face with his thumb, perhaps in an effort to soothe you. you take increasingly deeper breaths, letting yourself relax in jungwon's embrace.

jungwon gives an experimental thrust, barely there, and you groan, but at this moment, the pain is mixed with a feeling that has you curling your toes.

"again," you pant, looking directly at jungwon's eyes. "slowly, my love."

jungwon moves again, carefully watching your expression. you gasp, lips parting as the sting gives way to a delicious throb within you.

"more," you beg this time. "please, i need to feel you."

jungwon groans, his hips snapping up as he gives in to his instincts.

"oh!" you cry out as the sensations come crashing down on you at once. it feels good, much better than your own fingers or anyone else's. you watch as he disappears and reappears with each thrust, the image so lewd and new to you that it keeps you in a trance.

"look at me, ______," jungwon says lowly. you obey, peering up at the young man. he has a frenzied look in his eyes, wild with something burning inside him.

the flames roar, engulfing you, him, your bodies.

jungwon grabs your hips, forcing you further down his bed. you throw your head back, relishing in the way he seems to go even deeper. you lock your legs around him, never wanting this feeling to end.

the bed creaks with the effort of holding up your passionate lovemaking, and you worry for a fraction of a second if anyone can hear. as if reading your thoughts, jungwon places a lingering kiss on your forehead.

"i think...i plan to marry you within the year," jungwon supplies between labored breaths. "hell, before the next moon if father allows."

you giggle, elated at jungwon's words.

"hardly a choice now that i've given my maidenhood to you," you comment mischievously. one side of jungwon's mouth raises in a smirk before he dives down to latch at one side of your neck.

"you're mine, love," jungwon declares. "all mine."

you preen at his words, his pace picking up. you're left breathless as he thrusts madly in and out of you. your world is spinning but at the very center of it is jungwon. sweet, handsome jungwon.

"i'm about to—"

"inside," you blurt out without second thought. jungwon's mouth hangs open at your decision, a question evidently making its way out of him.

"you'll get it on my dress, otherwise, and that would raise more questions," you interrupt once more, your breath hitching as jungwon's nails dig into your side.

"by the gods," jungwon curses beneath his breath. "i might have to wed you within a fortnight."

"please," you mewl. "want nothing more than to be your wife, to be yours."

jungwon grunts, pressing a hand down on your abdomen. you yelp, feeling a sudden pressure inside you. it had been a slow thrum of something minutes before, but now a strange sensation grips at you from within.

"s-something's happening," you worry, grasping jungwon's shoulder.

"you're about to finish, my love," jungwon says, pressing down even harder on your belly. you writhe, feeling as if you're about to explode.

"it'll feel good, i promise," jungwon reassures, pressing his lips to your temple. his movements are turning erratic, sweat dripping down his forehead with effort.

"fuck, i'm—"

before jungwon can finish his sentence, he moans loudly in your ear, sinking fully to the hilt inside of you. you feel him spasm inside you and the movement brushes against a spot that has you coming undone, pleasure coursing through every vein in your body.

you cling onto each other, trembling and moaning each other's names.

a minute passes by as you both calm down, skin glistening in the dim light of the dying flames in the fireplace. jungwon is the first to pull away, watching you as you try to catch your breath.

"you look absolutely stunning, my love," jungwon praises, kissing you on the cheek.

you smile, the ache in your body starting to make itself known.

"let me call one of the servants to have a bath drawn for you," jungwon offers, reaching over to the row of service bells next to his bed.

you sit up, letting your gown fall over your legs, concealing any indication of the past hour.

"i think i should be the one to call for them from my own room," you suggest, pulling jungwon back. you snake your arms around his torso, kissing him behind his ear.

"they might grow suspicious," you add, laying your cheek against his firm back.

"very well, then," jungwon agrees, prying himself from your arms. he swiftly dresses, straightening his disheveled hair. he sees you watching and he smiles, taking your face in his and giving you what seemed to be the hundredth kiss that night.

"i suppose you don't want me walking you to your room, either?" jungwon asks, helping you up from his bed.

you shake your head, working out the creases in your skirt and sleeves.

"let's not push our luck, my prince," you warn, patting jungwon's cheek.

---

you enter your bedroom, exhausted and slightly worried. you tried to find the princess to provide a semblance of an explanation but she was nowhere to be found. not in her own chambers, not in the library, not in the parlor. you decided after nearly half an hour of looking that you would handle the situation tomorrow.

you slide the large metal lock of your bedroom door into place, securing you in your bedroom for now. you turn, nearly screaming at the figure standing before you.

"gods!" you shriek, backing into the door, painfully banging your head against the wood.

"oh, shut it," the princess says, pulling you away from the door. she maneuvers you toward your quaint sitting corner, pulling a chair back and urging you to take a seat.

"now," she begins. "i'm not mad. i'm thrilled, to be honest."

"have you worked out a wedding date with my brother, yet?"

[potatowithahat]

A New Friend

A Cringefail Farmer story

For @clarisinne !!! I hope it's ok!

I saw everyone drawing Cf and their Stardew Oc's and I can't draw all too well so here it is in fic form instead.

“Listen girl, I can't just explain it” her sister calls from the kitchen. “All I know is the wizard  gave me that forest drug and i help out the little guys now”

“That’s actually mental, you realize that?” Clarice calls as she looks out the window at the greenhouse that was built supposedly overnight

“Just… Ugh. Just go to the wizard guy. I don't know how else to explain it. That wizard guy can tell you” Mars shakes her head. “Now me and Haley still have a date so…” she gently shoves Clarice towards the door.

“Year yeah” Clarice mumbles something about lesbians to herself and walks off towards the path “Harveys not off tell three… Might as well go see this wizard dude anyway.”

She lets out a long sigh as she drags herself further down the road.

“Where you goin?” Shane calls, standing against the fence in front of marines house as she passes

“Better question is why you're outside at eight and not sleeping in on your day off?” she smiles as she approaches him.

“Marnie promised pepper poppers if i helped her with the cows” her friend wipes at the sweat on his brow with the sleeve of his jacket

“You wouldn’t be so hot if you weren't wearing that thing, you know” Clarice comments as she flicks at his sleeve

“Shut up” Shane grumbles as he looks back over at the cows “The hell are you going anyway? Out to cindersap?”

“Yeah” Clarice nods “Out to see The Wizard. Got some magic soup or something” she nods and walks on “If i’m not back in an hour call my sister and tell her i want harvey to give the eulogy at my funeral”

“Pff” Shane chuckles “Sure crazy lady” he turns back to the cows and hops the fence to continue his work

“This is it then” Clarice looks up at the tall, imposing structure in front of her.

The wizards tower was probably three floors high from the looks of it, the tall gray structure looming ominously above cindersap like a dark obelisk. The area around it was abuzz with power, and multiple larger than normal plants grew in a small garden beside it, seemingly untouched by any wildlife.

“Well this isn't imposing at all” she mutters to herself, sheepishly making her way up to the door to knock

“One second!” a voice calls out, sounding much more… effeminate than she was expecting

After a minute or two of waiting the door swings open and a boy no older then two with reddish purple hair bursts out of the tower and right into her legs 

“Oof” Clarice stumbles backwards at the impact 

“HI!” the boy calls up excitedly, “Do you want to be my friend?”

“Atticus you can't just” A tired looking man with curly red hair tied up in a top bun scoops the boy up and sighs “I'm so sorry Miss…”

“Ahh” Clarice startles a bit “Sorry. Just Clariece is fine” 

“yeah , i'm so sorry..” he looks up and startles a bit “My god” he reaches out for her braid

“Uhhh” She steps back nervously and looks down at her hair “Is something wrong with my hair…?”

“Oh, No. no, no no no no. sorry. You're just. well “ he bites his tongue “it's like looking at myself pre transition” The man shakes his head “Sorry, sorry. I’m”

“Rasmodius, right?” Clarice asks hopefully, wanting to get out of this situation as quickly as possible

“Yes. but probably not the one you’re looking for” The man gestures her inside “You here t osee the wizard?” 

Clarice nods nervously as she steps inside the house, her breath being taken away as she looks around the space.

The walls are covered  with arcane symbols and glowing glyphs, the seemingly only light source in the room, despite it being deceptively bright. The walls are lined with books, all well worn and old, though there doesn't seem to be a speck of dust anywhere. There's a large desk off to one side, a glowing green cauldron in front of it, some sort of spellbook sitting on the ground near it.

To the left there's what seems to be a small living room with a child's play area, with pop up books and all sorts of little wooden toys. A baby, no older than maybe six months sits by the couch chewing on a block

“Papa! Aaa!” The baby giggles and reaches for the man

“Go play with your sister” the man whispers to Atticus, setting him down and gently nudging him towards the toys

“Sorry about the mess” the man chuckles and kicks a toy firetruck out of the walkway” Kids, you know”

He rubs his neck

“OH!” I never said my name. Sorry, i’m Rory” He smiles and holds his hand out for her “Im Magnus’ husband”

 Clarice lets out a sigh “Oh! Oh, ok. I get it, yeah” She nods “I didn’t know he was married”

Rory nods “Right, yeah. Most people don’t. We tend to keep to ourselves up here” he claps “Well my Husbands gone for a week at some magic conference of some or another” he rolls his hand ‘But if there's anything I could help you with”

Clarice shifts her weight “not really. I'm not entirely sure why I'm here in the first place. My sister just told me to come”

Rory shrugs “Yeah. not really a lot i can do if i don't know why you're here” he looks around for a second “Tell you what, i have a kettle on. How about we sit and have a chat so that your visit isn't a total waste of time?”

Clarice looks at her watch. She still had a good few hours until Harvey was off “Sure” she nods

“Great” Rory claps and heads towards the kitchen “I never get anyone to talk to up here”

“Im sure” Clarice nods and Follows him into the small kitchen “I just.. Would it be rude to ask a question?”

“No, no not at all!” Rory smiles as he pours two cups of tea “Earl gray or chamomile?”

“Oh, Chamomile please” she nods and sits down at the small island “You and the W… Magnus. How did that happen?”

Rory pulls out two tea packets and plops them in the mugs “Oh, well I was a farmer too. Had a small place a little farther away from here. I took a walk down here one day, saw him tending his garden and went up to tell him he was pulling his carrots wrong” He chuckles “We hit it off from there”

“Ahh.”  Clarice nods, thinking for a second “How'd you know I'm a farmer?”

Rory gets a sheepish look “Oh. sorry. I uh… I can read people. You aren’t married t oa wizard for for years without picking up a few tricks” he carefully hands her her mug

“Oh. thats cool i guess’ Clarice blushes and takes a sip of her drink

Rory just stares at her for a good few minutes

“You’ve got someone on your mind, don't you?” he asks as he tilts his head to the side

Her blush deepens

“Oh you do!” Rory claps happily “Who is it? Don't tell me.. .Shane? Sebastian? Oh… or maybe a girl… Abigail?”

“Harvey” Clarice mumbles as she takes a long sip from the tea, trying to hide her blush

“Pickle man?” Rory smiles “He seems to be a bit bland you know, but he can hold up a conversation! And those hands! God those hands.” He leans forward on his hand

“Exactly!” Clarice says, covering her mouth to try and stop it from slipping out 

Rory smirks “I've got the feeling you and I are gonna be good friends”

Thats all for now folks!

I had a lot of fun with this! It was actually super refreshing to sit down and write for once.

As always my requests are always open so if you have any fic ideas just slide one over!!!

I hope you enjoyed!!!

If you liked what you read you can find more of my work here on tumblr or on my Ao3

[babygirl-riley]

Baroness

141 has a hunch about Makarov and where he could be hiding. Informant stated that the information would be at a event Little did Simon know it would be a woman from his past.

“Well, they’d be like…Shit is crazy right….I ain’t your baby no more.”

Warnings: mentions of smut, violence, break ups, swearing, blood, flirting

simon x reader guide

simon x reader smut list

PT. II

Ghost wouldn’t have predicted on what happened next. Laswell mentioned there was a lady that went by Baroness, that was close to Makarov. They had been searching for him since she showed the picture of him. However, Laswell had found a lead to this Baroness.

She was high up in Russia every year she would hold a masquerade party and that is the only time anyone would see her. No one knew who she was besides three of her close guards, even Valeria didn’t know herself when Alejandro interrogated her. Which brought more attention to this Baroness, Laswell sent out a spy to see if they could see when her next appearance would be.

Her spy did get close enough to know where she would be at. That’s also when he disappeared just to be found in suit cases with an invitation attached. Baroness knew that they were drawing close, so she invited him. Did she know who they were? Or did she just taking that chance?

Price agreed on the assignment for everyone to go. This is a lead that couldn’t be dropped. They will go and know that she knows who they are. Or surprise her that she was cornered.

“Bravo 0-6 what is your status?” Laswell asked over comms.

Everyone was spread out of the party, people dressed in beautiful dresses and suits. Different masks. Champagne or whiskey in their hands. Most of them speaking Russian. Some were from different countries around the world. “On the East balcony. Bravo 0-7.”

Ghost took a sip of the whiskey in his hand looking around. “By the bar. There is a lot of influence here .”

“I agree I didn’t expect one of the one of the politicians from Europe to be here.” Gaz mentioned.

“Like I said before she has a lot of power. Which is why we need to know if she is working for Makarov.” Laswell briefly explained.

“Let’s hope that she isn’t.” Price added as he then explained to make sure to not get in civilian way. This isn’t a war zone.

People laughed and talked about everything that they have been doing. What fundraisers they were in charge of. It didn’t take long until someone announced you coming out for the party. “Eyes on the lass.” Soap said having Ghost look over.

Bloody fucking hell. Baroness was beautiful, her hair was down curled, her mask was black and sparkly, gloved hands that went half was up your arm, red lipstick, green dress that a slit went up to your mid thigh, and heels. People clapped and barely touched you as you walked by.

What else did he expect? Usually women that are higher up is gorgeous or very brutal and or both. Women in power can be dangerous if they are there for something malicious.

“She is gorgeous cap.” Gaz mumbled.

“Stay focused boys.” Laswell said having amusement.

There was a certain part Ghost kept looking at. It was zoning right to it. It was particular spot that he couldn’t put his finger one he seen it. The small scar on her chin. It started to bug him trying to think why that scar was having him, deep down knowing where he has seen it before. It hit him once her eyes looked at his. The smile cross her face. He knew that from anywhere, especially the feeling he got when you did. “Bloody hell.” Ghost whispered.

Memories formed around his mind. Meeting her the first time until the last night together. All the tears and laughter that was caused during that time. Ghost thought you were dead from how things started to line up.

She excused herself as she walked her way towards him. “Ghost she is heading towards you.” Soap mentioned, no shit Sargent. He thought.

“Well well didn’t think it was reaping time love.” His heart raced from hearing your voice. You. You were here. You are the Baroness. It’s been years since you two have seen each other.

“What are you doing here?” He didn’t have time for games. At the same time he wanted to rip that dress off of you and see those beautiful…

“What a shame, thought you were coming here to throw me around.” You said licking your lips subtly.

Fuuuck you knew that drove him crazy when you played with your lips. He remembered fucking you silly once you bit your lower lip. Fucking your mouth with his cock. “No I am not here for that.” He mumbled looking up towards Soap who watched amusingly. He wanted to throw the glass at Soap, of course he would have a kick out of it. Cause when did his lieutenant ever get flirted with like this. In the open.

You smirked placing your hand against his chest before going down to his abdomen. Sending sparks down his spine. Feeling like his skin was burning. Ghost wanted her fingertips on his skin and not his shirt. “Like I said what a shame. What are you here for then Simon?”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Your name? You let me scream that at…”

“Enough.” He said looking down at you.

God how much he missed those beautiful eyes. With the glint in your eyes, the glint that you would get when you were ready to a long night, your eyes just drowned him into you. He missed you, god he didn’t even realize how much he missed you but he had to stay focused. He need to thin about the mission. Not about how his heart bested faster and harder, making him less focus He doesn’t know if you’re friend or foe. If he had to slice your throat or press his lips on your throat. Could he even do it? Kill you if your the enemy. God he can’t stop thinking about those lips.

You wanted to kiss him, you wanted to hold him. The last time you both saw each other, he pinned you against the wall fucking your hole before you spilt up. You moved to Russia due to not being able to look around without seeing him. You didn’t know what he wanted, him appearing out of the blue was odd to you. Especially with him not wanting anything to do with you. No flirting.

You now had to see what he wanted, what he needed. “It is interesting that you come here all handsome and mysterious for not even wanting me. Interesting.”

Ghost rolled his eyes. “It’s not the time.”

“Oh baby it’s always time.”

“Fine not in the mood.”

“Not in the mood, I know how to get you in the mood.”

“Damn Ghost you know this woman?” Gaz teased, he will kill him later.

“Keep her talking, I am going to get in her office.” Laswell requested.

“You sure Kate?” Price asked.

“Yeah I…”

“Imagining me naked?” You asked, he didn’t notice that he paused talking. Or didn’t reply.

“No why would I?” He said sipping his whiskey.

“Aw so you didn’t miss me?” You said teasing.

God he did, your laugh, that fucking smile. How he missed taking those stupid baths with you. Holding you. Kissing you. “I do.”

You scoffed. “That’s not what it seems like Si.”

That stung. He didn’t have a choice, he was recruited for the 141 and he knew it was…high maintenance. Instead of informing that for her, he broke it off. After 3 years it just seemed right. Simon did go back to talk to her but she disappeared, never again seen again. Your parents didn’t even know where you went.

“That’s not fair.” He said shaking his head.

“Life isn’t fair Simon. Leaving your girlfriend of 3 years isn’t fair. Not even letting her know isn’t fair. Fairness isn’t in the game of life Si.” You explained rolling your eyes.

Ghost couldn’t say anything besides just looking at you. You waited for him to respond say anything. Are you friend or foe? Did you have to cut his throat? Shoot him a couple of times? Draw blood? Fuck say something Simon. Is all you could say in your mind. Thinking of good and bad things to do to him. Could you even do that? You don’t know if you could trust him with everything that is going on. The shit you put yourself through. You noticed one of your guards signing to you, you frowned before sighing.

You then smirked walking around him. “You didn’t answer my question,” He turned as you grabbed a champagne glass. He watched the bubbles rising up. “What are you doing here?”

Ghost glared down at you. What should he say? He already said he wasn’t here for you. He can’t say sorry for his actions. That would compromise everything. You smirked letting out a chuckle. “Simon, Ghost, Bravo 0-7. What else does your team call you?”

You knew what you called him as he pinned you to your bed. Whispering to each other full of love and affection. Or the laughter he would pull from you adding his name to the sentences. Why was life so unfair?

He froze looking up and around. The guards were close to everyone on the team. Everyone noticed but didn’t do anything. He snapped his head down to you. “I wouldn’t cause a scene, not at this party,” You sighed walking towards him, he watched your hips sway, you heels clicking. “Don’t worry Si,” She walked up to whisper in his ear. “Something’s we can do alone,” You bit his ear, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t with you. “Somethings.”

[numberonecodwomenfan]

im going crazy thinking about my idea for a cod women roller derby au

i play roller derby and i literally just finished practice so its fresh in my brain rn

also theyre all on the same team because i want them to be besties ok

laswell is the captain of the glam grenades (yes i know the name is corny, derby team names usually are lmaoo), and her wife coaches the corresponding junior team. laswell’s derby name is watcher, and her number is 01. she usually plays as a blocker, but she’ll pivot sometimes.

farah is almost solely a jammer. her derby name is farah scare-‘em (which again, i know its corny but all derby names are 😭). she’s a speed DEMON, and she’s insane at jumps. if she’s jamming against you, you’re barely even gonna land a hit on her. she’s jumping around on her toe stops and squeezing around blockers like she’s dancing. alex goes to all of the team’s practices and bouts, and he’s practically drooling the whole time like “holy shit thats my badass girlfriend”

valeria is usually a pivot. her name is slammin’ scorpion (referencing that one line where alejandro calls her a scorpion 🤭), and when i say slammin, i mean it. shes one of those blockers that gets penalties constantly. she is VICIOUS. she send jammers flying when she hits them. she has a lot of pent up anger, ok? god forbid a woman has hobbies.

roze is a blocker for sure. she’s sturdy as hell and it takes a lot to take her down. her derby name is ragin’ roze and shes a bad bitchhhh!!! i like to think shes pretty tall, so sneaking around her is a no go with those long legs. she also seems like the type to manhandle her teammates a lot. like if the jammer is moving to the opposite side, shes yelling “out!” and just yanking the other blockers over.

callisto is a blocker too. she prefers to play as a point because she’s a control freak, and while she trusts her teammates, she prefers to be able to see the jammer. this is a really stupid joke but i think it would be funny if her derby name was lady liberty because she’s from france and moved to the US lmaoo

i feel like stiletto’s derby name would just be stiletto. its cool enough on its own lmao. she also gives blocker to me, and i feel like shes the type to get penalties a lot and then get insubordination penalties for giving the refs sass.

nova feels like a jack of all trades to me. i think her derby name would be nova, and i feel like she would be one of those players that just throws caution to the wind and charges in with no hesitation.

kleo is greek and i also imagine her to be pretty tall, so i think her derby name would be something like amazon lol. i feel like shed be a pretty aggressive blocker. she is NOT letting that jammer past, so much so that she sometimes gets stop block penalties.

uhh yeah thats all the brainrot i have lmao. i might draw them 😏😏

[beheadable]

So. The rundown, and an explanation on why I kinda look not great in the photos lol

Long ass post warning

So, we get to the con, we're getting our barrings, wondering where the actor guests are and end up happening upon them in the back l've been vaguely nauseous all day. I see him and try so desperately not to dig my nails into my mom's hand after catching a glimpse of him. Nerves, excitement, little bit of awe because beautiful man hahah

Anyway, maybe three people in line counting us, we wait a second it gets to us and he's like "hey, l'm sorry I gotta do photo ops in like ten minutes I don’t want to rush you guys. But it’ll be like ten fifteen minutes and you guys can come back?” and mom and I are like no worries! He’s so courteous about it and it actually really eased my nerves a little

We walk around! We go back, he’s there and there’s one person there so I’m like okay! Great! I’m not the first one walkin’ up! So we wait a second I’m trying to get my shit together so I can speak coherently and somewhat confidently and not end up quiet like usual, it’s awful sometimes. Anyway! I do great! Normal human I don’t sound weird or however like an alien I feel (I cannot express how much I am not built to do shit like this). I gave him the drawing first thing and through it all was a blur but mom said he called it brilliant twice <3 I don’t doubt my skills but it is still, vulnerable. This one was never intended to be seen by him nor literally gifted to him, I poured a lot of reverence into it I probably wouldn’t have otherwise if I did it with the knowledge that he WOULD see it (difference between, ‘I want this to look nice because he’s going to see it’ and ‘I’m drawing beautiful man for myself :]’)

It’s photo time, I hand mom my bag and the lady at the table (most if not all the actor’s tables had a convention employee with them) took like ten photos. I initially tried to keep a respectful distance because like, I don’t know, I’m not gonna go in for a full side hug or whatever but immediately I get squeezed right into him. Good god. Not to be weird or crazy or whatever whatever but I will never forget how that felt. Or he feels. Or any of that. Yes he is as boney and solid as I imagined <3 but just that like ‘you’re real, and sweet’ is what’s getting me. and. Well, mom said it first but it is true with how firm of a squeeze I got, my future boyfriend has a touch to live up to 😤 (I do wish I was mostly joking, but I’m mostly serious). Truly, I scrunched up in surprise and it took a minute to even fully comprehend the fact I’ve been fully tucked into his shoulder. Gonna feel that hand on my arm forever! Not a bad squeeze! The perfect squeeze, to me .

He is genuinely so so lovely and I’m so glad I actually did this. And shoutout to my mom for being the reason I’m here. And for confirming afterwards to me that I did, in fact, not come off as nervous and excited as I actually was and that I handled it well (I was still clearly very happy to be here, obviously, just, chill about it) (I do not think I will handle any situation well ever)

I’m not proofreading any of this tonight I want to go finish typing up my. Journal. Before I pass out. But. I’m happy! I still have two more days, and I’m chill, excited to continue to have a great time with my mom and enjoy my first weekend away from the grandparents in. Two months

Art I gave him……. I do love this one a lot. And!! In lieu of a ‘proper’ autograph (that was an accident but I truly don’t care) the 31 quote I am going to get tattooed on my arm as soon as I can <3 another reason I kinda had to gift him some art of mine… something of ‘me’ to give to him in return of something of his (handwriting) that will end up on me

I’ll cry about this at some point. I wanted to earlier but I was still at the con and I am such an ugly crier it’s awful. Honestly still surprised how emotional this all made me

[lxdymoon0357]

Kosair dating Navier‘s best friend Headcanons?

😇

(HEYYYYY!!! Empress of theme, I'm at your service!!)

Kosair Lilder Trovi X Navier's Best-friend! Reader HCs

⇝ You’re Navier’s friend since childhood, you were in a few of her classes, but you never really met Kosair, you heard about him a lot through Navier, Sovieshu, Navier’s parents and your parents, but never met him…And so as you grew up, you either became a lady-in-waiting for Navier or her playmate…

⇝ You would help Navier around everything and were her wingman between her and Heinrey, you liked her together with him, while you also kinda fangirled around Sovieshu and Rashta, at how sweet the two liked each-other though it was kinda toxic, you met Kosair through that incident….

⇝ You slowly fell in love with Kosair and BOOM! Relationship. Okay so everyone in the palace consider you and him a married couple since the beginning, so nobody really cared at how close you were, but they were SHOCKED that you both had only started dating and are not married since you both became of age..

⇝ OKAY, LET’S BE HONEST!!! Navier is definitely your biggest shipper, wingman and fangirl! She’ll have a few people draw you both or she just makes fanfics in her minds on you both, don’t ruin this for her! Laura, Rashta and Countess Eliza are the next biggest shippers in that line, Rashta won’t ever admit it though…She’s happy you keep Kosair away from her and her baby…

⇝ Kosair would always go to Navier for dating advice, I mean you both have been friends for like always and he knows that and he will use it to his advantage, getting everything out of Navier, your favourite colour, your favorite food, your favorite hairstyle, your future, your future number of children….

⇝ Navier is always the one to set you both up, help you when you both have fights, tell you which gift to get for the other, when there is an anniversary or a special event for your relationship and set gifts if either of your forget something for it!!! She has saved you and Kosair from fighting over this topic so MANY times!!!

⇝ Also, DOUBLE DATES!!!! You and Kosair with Navier and Rashta/ Sovieshu/ Heinrey, you four will have so much together, it’s crazy!! You will go eat, play card games and then bicker on whose cheating, put make-up on your significant others, especially on Kosair!! You then eat a lot of sugar and have a sugar rush, then you will read books together, and if it was set in the human world, HARRY POTTR MARATHONS!!! Or any of your favourite movie series marathon, depends! :] No horror tho…Kosair and Navier get scared easily at those…

⇝ Oh, speaking of modern world AU, how about you and him going to cat cafes??? Him being surrounded by cats and you both having tons of fun and maybe in the near future you both end up adopting a few cats from that particular cat cafes, who knows?? Domestic life goes brrr~~

⇝ OH, Navier is the one who sees both yours and Kosair’s ugly crying faces when you both get into an argument and fights and then you both will blame each other cause you both are stubborn as shit and then she will try to calm you both down and in the and you both end up blaming your argument on Rashta, Sovieshu and Heinrey…

⇝ Okay, but real talk, you and Kosair are Navier BIGGEST PROTECTORS AND BODYGAURDS AND SHIPPERS, You both ship her with Heinrey but you’re kinda worried for her sometimes, because she doesn’t really have a lot of experience with men in the world where she’s not a empress…Also you found Heinrey to be kinda creepy…

⇝ You support her through everything though, also you try to find common ground for her and Rashta cause it’s normal for people to have mistresses, and that’s what Sovieshu did, he had a marriage of convenience and a marriage of love, he allowed Navier to do the same with anyone except Heinrey and yet she doesn’t listen a lot of times…It’s fine you’ll try your best to help the Trovi kids, they’re both chaotic…

[fandomfics]

Deserted Island

Pairing: Valkyrie x fem reader

Description: You are stranded on an island with Valkyrie. Things get spicy.

Masterlist

⚠️Warnings⚠️

18+ MDNI

mutual pining, porn with very little plot, fluff, oral, fingering, face riding/sitting, breast play,

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

A few days by boat to check out a new location for the settlement, that's all this was supposed to be. When the boat broke down and you drifted to a small deserted Island, you knew you were going to have to push all those fuzzy feelings you have for your friend deep down. It's easier to deal with day to day when you can get away from her and calm your mind, distract yourself with other things.

Here your only thoughts are survival and her.

The two of you set up a cozy shelter just off the beach behind the tree line, a fire pit and SOS on the beach, found a source of fresh water, and had plenty of food for a few weeks thanks to the emergency rations that always stocked the boat. Now there wasn't as much busywork, you have nothing but time.

"Hey, come to the waterfall with me?" She asks so sweetly it's hard to deny. Her beautiful caramel skin, long braids cascading over her shoulders, soft full lips...everything about her draws you in.

"Of course." You smile

. . .

"I know I should be more terrified that we're lost on an island, who knows where, but it's kind of nice. A little vacation." You say as you slowly walk into the cool water at the base of the waterfall.

"I'm happy to be stuck with you. I've been meaning to ask you something." She follows you into the water and moves close to you.

"Yeah?" Your heart hammers in your chest.

"I have this friend, I really like her. I just have had a hard time telling her that I want more than just a friendship. You're my best friend, what do you think I should do? What if she don't like me like that?"

It stings to hear her talk about someone like that, but you're determined not to let your personal feelings affect your friendship, "Well, first of all, she'd be crazy not to like you too. Second start with why you like her. Tell me."

"She's...kind, generous, funny. When she talks about her favorite things she smiles so wide she gets this cute little dimple and a sparkle in her eyes. She's perfect." She looks down at the water and smiles. "I love her."

"Tell her that." You say trying your best to keep a smile on your own face.

"I just did." She whispers looking up into your eyes. It takes you a moment to register what she said. Your eyes go wide and your mouth hangs open, struggling to speak.

"Please say something." She pleads, her eyes gloss over, a hint of regret starting to form.

"I-I love you too." She wades over to you and wraps her arms around you, squeezing you tightly. You return the hug and stay like that for a long time, enjoying her closeness. When you finally pull back a bit you cup her face in one hand, running your thumb over her cheek gently.

"You're so beautiful." You look deep into her eyes, "I've wanted to kiss you since the very first time I laid eyes on you."

"Then do it." She smirks.

You immediately lean in, wasting no time. Her lips are just as soft as you imagined, the feel of them against your own is intoxicating. She deepens the kiss her arms wrapping around your waist as you lean into her even more.

"I've loved you for so long. I wish I had told you sooner, but I thought didn't feel the same." She says after breaking the kiss. "I belong to you, completely. I always have. Will you be mine, my lady?"

"Yes," you plant another quick kiss to her lips, "yes." You stand there in the water smiling like fools at each other, not saying a word, just enjoying the moment.

. . .

You watch the sun set, hand in hand, from the beach before returning to your shelter for the night. You lay with your back pressed against her, he arm draped over you tracing small circles on your stomach. She nuzzles her face into your neck, lips press against the sensitive skin there and your breath hitches before you let out a soft sigh. You turn to face her as she continues, working from your neck, along your jaw, your lips and back down the other side.

"I want you," she whispers in your ear breathily, "but I need to hear your say it. Tell me what you want darling."

"I want all of you, I want to worship your body, I want to touch you. I want you to touch me, I want you to show me how much you love me."

You meet for another passionate kiss, your hands traveling one anothers bodies, removing every item standing between yourselves and pleasure.

Her hands move down to your bare ass and squeeze, leaving you moaning into the kiss and pressing hard into her, willing yourself to melt together. One hand rests on her neck and the other makes it's way down to her breast, your fingers knead the flesh lightly before twisting at the nipple. She hums sending soft vibrations thrumming through you, leaving you aching for more.

She pushes you onto your back and snakes her hand down your body lightly until feel her fingers on your clit. They skillfully work you until your shaking involuntarily, moans bubbling up in your throat and seeping into her kiss.

You break away and your head tilts back allowing her to latch onto your throat again. She nips and sucks at your skin leaving a trail of marks in her wake.

"Fuck," you pant screwing your eyes shut, "it feels so god damn good." The loss of contact is sudden and your eyes shoot back open. She is on her hands and knees crawling down and pushing your legs apart so she can settle there, face in front of your dripping cunt.

"The first time I make you cum will be on my tongue, you going to be a good girl for me?" She asks, eyes full of lust.

"Yes." You nod your head vigorously.

She dives in, pulling your legs over her shoulders, allowing her to be as close as she can to your core. The tip of her tongue ghosts over your clit, causing your legs to twitch at the stimulation, her dexterous fingers travel up your inner thigh and rake through your slick before plunging into your heat.

Your hips buck up at the welcome intrusion, her thrusts are slow at first, gently building speed as her fingers curl along your sweet spot. The building pressure of your orgasm threatens to break, "I'm gonna cum!"

She continues her pace until your face denotes the silent scream of your release, your walls pulse around her fingers and coat them in your sweetness. She helps you ride it out until you still beneath her and she withdrawals. You see the strings of your cum and slick between her fingers as she separates them, licking each one clean separately.

"Sit on my face, please." You desperately want to taste her too, you want her to use you, take as much pleasure from you as she gave. She silently agrees and straddles your face, her slick covers her slit and thighs, showing you just how much she enjoyed her meal.

She hovers above you, she looks heavenly from this angle, every angle really, but this is new. You wrap your hands around her thighs and pull her down on your face fully as she lets out a yelp of surprise. It quickly turns to a moan as your tongue finds its target on her clit. You suck and nibble lightly and her hips grind down on you forcong a gutteral moan to rip from your throat and directly vibrate against the sensitive bundle of nerves.

She rocks her hips against your face taking the hint, her fingers burying themselves in your hair and gripping at the roots as soft moans fall from her open mouth. Your lost in the taste of her, the feeling of her on top of you. You don't know how long you're there before she screams out, "s-so close!"

You keep working her until you feel her shiver on top of you, releasing a steady stream of her cum on your chin. She tries to move off of you but you hold her down. You dip lower to lick her clean and allow one hand to snake further over her thigh and rest your fingers over her clit before furiously swiping it repeatedly. She squirms at the over stimulation but you keep her there until she cums again, absolutely soaking your face as the warm liquid spurts out.

She falls to your side and you both pant until you've caught your breath. "Fuck, that was incredible." You say as you pull her against you. She hums with a smile before drifting off, and you follow quickly behind.

[atopvisenyashill]

do u remember the characters who were complimented the most by their beauty in the books?

off the top of my head (and keeping in mind i’m still on asos and haven’t reread feastdance at least since the show ended so like 3-4 years) characters who get complimented most often for beauty are -

cersei

sansa

dany

margaery

jaime (not joking, he doesn’t get called handsome, he gets called beautiful. think more brad pitt and less george clooney)

joffrey (similar to jaime, altho tbf most of the comments on his beauty come from sansa)

loras

characters who are less complimented mostly due to them not being in every book but still notable beauties include-

arianne

catelyn & lysa - i’m like 80% sure people comment on lysa being beautiful when she’s younger & less so now, but don’t quote me there. i know people comment on cat being hot af when she’s younger, and multiple people remark on her hair so she clearly still Has It, she’s just not in a position where men are throwing themselves at her feet in the series given, ya kno, the war

melisandre

roslin frey

margaery’s lady’s court - her girls, taena, and alerie are all described at some point or another as being beautiful

taena of myr - wanted to mention her specifically, people tend to think of her as striking

val the wildling

ygritte the wildling - notable that this is incredibly conditional bc jon only starts referring to her as beautiful after they start sleeping together BUT the wildlings consider her beautiful bc of her hair

rohanne webber

characters noted to be beautiful by people who are clearly fishing for a compliment to pay her (aka, She Is Beautiful To Me, I Understand Her)-

jeyne westerling - i want to add her bc you have cat, robb, and jaime all acknowledge she’s “pretty enough” but are won over by her after talking to her, which probably speaks more to how she carries herself than her actual looks. but as a westerling stan, it’s notable To Me haha

brienne - i need to include this bc the “she could almost be a lady she could almost be a knight” is one of my favorite lines in the series, it makes me crazy and i think any post about beauty that doesn’t include brienne isn’t complete. that brienne gets the “brienne the beauty” moniker bc she’s ugly even as jaime keeps thinking about how she’s beautiful in some way or another is, imo, notable in how george sees & defines beauty (very much in the eye of the beholder, and that love can make you search for beauty in someone who is objectively not beautiful according to The Societal Standards)

arya - ned compares her to lyanna (and obviously ned isn’t gonna tell his daughter “you’re an uggo my sister was hot as fuck tho”) & gendry & edric both get a lil flustered over her

ellaria sand - noted that she’s not strictly beautiful but “something draws the eye” which seems like jeyne it’s about how she carries herself than her actual looks

jeyne poole - i mean. lots of comments about how she’s pretty ish and they’re clearly meant cruelly, almost as a way of tormenting her (no fancy last name, no wolf’s blood, not even pretty enough to get someone to rescue her)

pre-asoiaf mentioned in the main series for their beauty include-

lyanna stark

ashara dayne

missy blackwood

barba bracken

rhaegar targaryen

and pre-asoiaf characters noted to be beautiful in twoiaf or f&b-

rhaenys targaryen (the conqueror)

nymeria of ny sar

rhaena the lesbian

alyssa velaryon

jocelyn baratheon

viserra targaryen

rhaenys velaryon

rhaenyra targaryen - notable that she’s considered beautiful as a child but less so as an adult (bc westeros is full of fucking weirdos)

helaena targaryen - described as being more beautiful than alicent and that’s really it

daenaera velaryon - ditto on westeros being full of weirdos lol

jaehaera targaryen - again. she is like 12 when she dies but half the realm is commenting on this beautiful child. i hate these people so much.

baela targaryen

lady sam hightower

something that’s notable is that george makes a continued distinction between “pretty” and beautiful - alysanne targaryen is considered pretty but not beautiful, for example. so there’s people like jeyne westerling who are “pretty enough” as in, not ugly, not plain, but not, as jaime puts it “beautiful enough to lose a kingdom over” as in they are drop dead, model, helen of troy type gorgeous.

that’s also why i wanted to include the “fishing for compliments” type girls bc these women are very aware that they’re not pretty enough and often wind up carrying themselves differently as a response to this - if they can’t be gorgeous they’ll be so disarming, so striking, that people will spin back around to beautiful. ygritte is the biggest example of this imo because how jon perceives her beauty is very tied to how his relationship with her develops - he purposefully conflates her beauty with her violence bc he wants to find her violence beautiful bc that would make his life infinitely easier, and after she dies he’s very clear headed that she isn’t that pretty but she is TO HIM, she is beautiful in his memory because of his feelings for her. it makes him very wary of melisandre & val as a result - because he conflates beauty and violence in ygritte, it makes him wary of other harsh & beautiful women. or take lyanna, who is remembered often as being beautiful yet in ned’s memory, this beauty is part of what dooms her and he is outwardly hostile whenever people mention her beauty - to ned, that beauty brought only horror so he doesn’t dwell on it.

there’s lots of commentary here on what “beautiful” actually means from person to person, so while i would say the first group are more objectively beautiful, it’s also important to think about context - who is thinking they’re beautiful, why they’re thinking this, and what their relationship is.

[thelindenpapers]

"Yelling"

So I live in New York, you know.

New York is pretty interesting, lot of the time. You meet all kinds of people in New York.

The evidence is there, lining up to immerse your senses.

Any one street, you’re hearing Japanese accents, Pakistani accents, smatterings of Tamil.

You’re smellin’ veal parmesan one block, and griot another.

There’s Björk, there’s Otis Redding, and there’s Pedro Infante in your ears.

If I could tell you, I’d say you meet everyone in New York.

But that’s what’s sad about it, too, sometimes.

Sometimes you meet people, and they’re broken. Broken people, you know, and you don’t know how they’d fix it.

I’m walking down the street coming back from my job.

I can’t wait to get to the train: ‘cause I got off early, and I know that the train will probably be nice and quiet. There’s always plenty of room, IF you ride in the off-peak hours.

I’m looking forward to my book, or to staring out of the window; thinking.

The sky is that cloudy that it gets when everything is tinged blue. Real peaceful and calm.

And I go past a wall, and it’s got these ‘Missing’ posters plastered all over it...

Idly, I take a look.

...Shame.

Real pretty girl. Dark hair, dark eyes…that ‘natural’ kind of pretty.

Clean and neat. Dressed, almost, like a doll.

The accompanying message pleads for her return in neatly printed type, but then I notice:

On about half of ‘em, the ‘Missing’ part is crossed out.

In frantic black marker, a different message is scrawled:

‘No, not missing!!! ‘Please, not look for her, leave her in peace! She’s dead.’

Soooo…. That's creepy.

I’m gettin’ off topic.

Like always, I’m walking down the street, and there are lots of other people walking...going my way, coming towards me, going past me…

You don’t really look at other people in New York.

Everybody’s got their minds on where they gotta go.

Now and again, though, I’ll look.

Because I like to think and write and do portraits when I’ve got free time.

Sometimes, I’ll see someone I want to draw when I get home, you know? There’s all kinds of people in New York.

But there’s this one woman, coming towards me to go past me, and I just know.

This woman is broken. She’s broken real good.

And then, I think maybe she’s not gonna go past me, you know, because she’s not like everyone else:

She’s looking around at everybody, like I am.

She spots me before I can look away.

She sees me lookin’; so she starts heading towards me and now I know she’s not gonna go past.

This woman.

She got some kind of accent on her I can’t place.

I know, because before she even gets to me, she’s talking really loud.

The other people, they weren’t looking in the first place, and they’re sure as shit not looking now!

I try to evade her, but they make a constantly walking bubble around us; making room for us like we was a floor show.

And she says, as she comes towards me:

“He’s a good man, you know? He’s a real good man. But he don’t think, you get it? He tries his best not to think. See, if no think, there no understand! That’s what cause everything!”

I try not to be rude.

I say, “Oh, lady, look. I’m sorry. I got a train to catch.”

I try backing off. But she catches my arm.

She’s not trying to hurt me or nothin’. She’s not hurting me with her hand on my arm, but I look at her…and I can’t.

I can’t pull away.

She’s hanging on like she needs so, so bad to be heard.

And I can’t help but stand there, and now people are looking at us as they go past: because I’m not complaining, and they think that I should.

They think I’m crazy, now. Maybe I am.

So while this lady is talking, I figure, well. I better go ahead and look real hard at ‘er...

Yeah, she’s broken.

But I might want to draw her.

She’s real interesting.

It strikes me, that she doesn’t dress like she’s broken.

It’s a little like she’s white collar, a little like she’s come from a costume party.

No rags, no dirt. Skin nice, taken care of….even though she has this zombie look in the lines of her face…like she’s been dead inside a long time.

She’s got this smart, smart, short dress on that would be real risque if she weren’t wearing anything underneath it. So silky and smooth: a dark-wine-red with a purple sheen to it. DARK purple sheen. Like a bruise, and the red silk color underneath is blood.

She got cleavage hanging out, but not like she put it there to be stared at. More like that’s just who she is. She’s sexy, but I can’t imagine anyone objectifying her, less they were a fool. You could take her all you want if she lets you, but she’s herself and you had better show respect.

It’s the way she stands, maybe.

She got on this black blazer, but with silver buckles, like the goths wear, and freshly pressed black suit pants underneath the dress.

Her lipstick is dark, and her hair and her eyes: dark. She’s got a black eyepatch made of damask silk and a freakin’ crow on her shoulder--

I flinch a little when I realize that that crow is really real: sitting there lookin' at me calm as fuck.

And her eyeshadow is that same purple sheen that’s like bruises over her eyes.

Bruises on purpose, bruises real particular. Chosen bruises, like.

What she’s saying finally gets through to me:

“--but I was so careful, you know???

"I spend seven years, dating him, talking to him. Trying to make sure he’s right.

"And he is right! I spend seven years, I give him seven years….the last years of my youth! But he’s nice and he’s smart and he’s sexy and he says he’ll take care of me. And he loves me so much, and back then, I love him like Romeo and Juliet.

"And he proposes! "He propose all elaborate; everyone, they think like it fairy tale! They joke how I so lucky, an older woman courted for so long by a younger man, they amazed, so good of him! "My young, handsome, kind, genius of a man, he says, ‘Let’s marry!’

"So we do! "We do get married, you know, and he’s a good man! He says he’s a good man, and he is a good man.

"We both of us immigrants. And our parents so proud. We both virgins, you know?”

She gestures with her hands and leans in as she talks. Staring hard, trying to keep my gaze.

And she’s saying, “I did everything I could. I tried to be the best wife ever, you know? Because he was best husband ever.

"I cook and I clean and I make these beautiful lunches for him. And I laugh with him and talk with him and massage his back every night and I dress nice all time, you know, even when we don’t go anywhere. I work hard on dinners and I present them just so, you see?

"All the time, I looking at him.

"Heh. He complain about it, that’s how much. He say, loving looks from across the room, they're creepy.

"But I can’t help it. I so in love. And he, I can tell, he’s so in love.

"But he won’t…he won’t take me, you know? There’s no whatcha’ call it. No make love.

"I don’t understand, ‘cause he like to tease me all the time before, you know? Make me swoon so I can’t stand.

"He so proud, that I have this high libido. Say he gonna take me all different ways, once we’re married. But my man, still, he won’t make love to me, and I don’t know why.”

I look her in the eye. I can see, oh, she is beyond broken.

And I don’t know how to pull away, even though her hand on my arm is gentle, I could pull away, you see.

But I don’t know how.

“I think it all my fault!

"I do something wrong, I dunno what.

"So I try even harder, you understand?

"I dress even nicer. And I look up all these articles and books about sex and marriage and everything.

"And they tell me what I already know:

"Something wrong?

"Then wife is wrong.

"Wife need to fix.

"So I try the solutions they say. But there’s nothing doing, you understand?

"And it gets so I’m going mad.

"So I keep my voice down, nice, quiet, like wife is supposed to -- but I ask him, "‘Is there maybe pressures at your job?’ "And he says, ‘No, honey, I love my job.’

"And I say, ‘Are you not attracted me?’ "And he says, ‘No, honey, I am, very so! I love you more than anyone in my whole life. You make me feel everything! You’re beautiful.’

"And one day, you know, he finds me crying alone, because I need so bad, and yet, who, who I going to go to?

"There only him for me.

"I’m wracking my brain, my brain to pieces, and I can’t understand why he won’t take me. I ask him, ‘Why won’t you make me your own? You always said you were looking forward to it. Did I do something wrong?’

"And he says, ‘Don’t worry, honey. We will one day, I promise.’

"So I wait, you know?

"I keep quieter now. I no want to nag. But I trying to dress even better. "I get all these lovely frilly things, you know, the nice dresses -- simple and fresh and alive, like doll.

"I’m not young anymore, you know, I’m almost forty. But I look young. He always say, I’m ‘his girl’. So I dress like a girl.

"I dress like I feel, like I’m young, and in love…because I am in love, and if my young man says I’m young, then I’m young.

"Still, I’m desperate. I want him so bad.

"But you know, I reason with him and I talk to him and I love him hard as I can, and I flirt, and I cry sometimes and I try to not cry in front of him and I keep asking him, maybe only once, twice a month now, you know? ‘Cause he work hard, and I don’t want to bother him too much.

"But now and again, I say calmly as I can, ‘Love, when will you make me your own?’ And he calms me and hugs me and says, ‘Have patience. It will happen.’

"Each time there opportunity, he have all kind excuses.

"He tired.

"He not feel well.

"He already touch himself today.

"I not give him enough protein.

"One day, he says that kind of passion that I ask for, yes?, ‘No exist’.

"….I think maybe he lost it.

"I KNOW it exist!

"One day, he says to me, 'Maybe if you need sex so much, you should just have fantasy lover!'

"….If that’s what I want, hey, why I get married?!?!!”

She giggles in this strangled voice, in disbelief….like someone about to die by the hand of something stupid and all wrong,

“WHAT? Why, why I no get my own place, live with my imaginary husband somewhere, if that what I wanted from this life?!’

"...But I think, 'Maybe, maybe is something I don’t know about, hey?

"He always smarter than me. "‘I be patient. I wait. I just trust him. "‘Woman supposed to trust her man, hey? If you're a good woman, you do. If you trust God, you do.'

"...And our first Anniversary pass.

"And I say to him, with last, last scrap of dignity in me, I say, ‘Honey, you know, maybe you let us have whatcha’ call it. ‘Open’ marriage, yes?

"'I stay with you, you no worry. I always stay. Always you and me. Always, I come home to you, I take care of you, cook, clean, sit, listen, all good.

"'But maybe I go once in a while and find someone take care my need?'

"But he refuse. "He no share me, he say.

"I all his, he love me too much.

"He wouldn’t be able to take it. He would be too sad.

"He will kill himself.

"So I try. "I still try wait, I tell him, I wait for him, I be patient...

"Months pass, and I think I can still go on, and I must go on, I promised to go on–

"But I can’t.

"I go on, but I don’t, you know?

"Because I-I can’t. I’m just not that strong, though I thought I could be if I tried hard enough, like a good christian girl.

"If I was good enough, if I pray enough, pray hard enough, then I make it!

"God will show me I’m loved.

"My husband, he will show me romance and care and concern and consideration and lust.

"True love will win!

"...But is no good.

"I wake up on the floor.

"I get up.

"But there I am, still there, lying on floor.”

I stare real hard at the woman.

I don’t know what she wants me to say.

Maybe she doesn’t want me to say anything.

She doesn’t seem upset that I’m not sayin' nothing, and that’s real good, ‘cause I tell you, I don’t know what to say. I don’t say shit. I just stare back. She and the crow staring at me.

“Do you see?!”, she whispers savagely.

“Do you know what I mean?: I wake up on the floor; but there I am!

"In front of me, with real flesh.

"A young girl, a young girl in love, smiling, in a really cute dress, with frills, with pretty pink perfect make-up, and a recipe in her hand for good, thick steaks that night.

"Lying on floor.

"She dead.

"I can see my face, and it look like always, with her beautiful two eyes, and I close them careful.

"I think maybe I imagine her.

"But when I bend; touch her side, she real.

"Cold.

"And there no breath.

"I feel her ribcage is sticking out under her skin like winter branch…

"…..She was like in dungeon…you understand?

"That’s me. Died. Craved and worried and pined away in pain, all alone.

"I died. I died.

"I couldn’t help it.

"I tried. But, I… Froze to death, or. "What word? "‘Starved’, like.”

Now you know that’s crazy. I don’t believe her for one minute...

But I look in her one eye, and I know she’s not lying.

And just like that, I get vertigo, you know?

Like someone took the pavement while I was still standing on it and shook it out.

I quickly widen my stance so I don’t fall.

I don’t know what to say. I wish she’d shut up.

But I'm the one who shuts up.

She keeps talking:

“What am I going to do??

"Stuff around house always needs taking care of, constantly.

"I lying on floor, I gotta take care of it.

"So I take the shovel, you know, and I go to the undertaker and I buy me a plot with my housewife allowance--

"I don’t know what else to do.

"I know she’s dead. "And I know she’s me. "And I know, I know I’m dead.

"And I know, if his parents knew, or if my parents knew, she would be so ashame.

"And he’d be so angry. Or so sad, that he kill himself.

"I can’t tell anyone. "I can’t.

"But she was a good girl, you know? "She was such a good girl.

"Giving. God-fearing.

"So it’s not good, to just have her lying on the floor, with her last thoughts of steak.

"And I can’t do the vacuuming later that way, with her lying on floor.

"So I burn the recipe in the oven real good, you know, and I take me and I bury me in the plot, with prayers and everything.

"Dead.

"She was a good girl. I made sure she had a proper, respectful burial, with hymns, you know? She tried real hard.

"It was sad, I felt sorry. "It shouldn’t have gone that way, she did what she was supposed to do; she tried to be good!

"She didn’t have to, didn’t have to break.

"To die.

"I did everything I could.

"And my husband comes home, and I don’t ask him about nothing no more, but I tell him I died and he thinks I’m joking.

"He laugh.

"So I shrug and I serve the dinner and it’s delicious.

"But in months to follow, maybe I don’t bother so much about the gravy coming out just so anymore.

"And you know, maybe I don’t bother about dressing up just so anymore.

"Or rather, I dress different: to please me, to express who I am, rather than to please him and to impress he friends.

"And maybe sometime, we have hot dog. Take-out.

"I wear my jeans now, and my t-shirts when we’re home, and I watch things all by myself now, I watch the stuff that I like to watch, and go to sleep whenever is good. I don’t wait for him no more.

"And maybe I’m slower when filling up the dishwasher, and now I only have one eye, and I even put my ring away, but you know what?

"He doesn’t notice.

"Doesn’t notice a thing to change.

"And I’m like a zombie, but what am I going to do?

"I could walk down the street naked and walk and walk far as I can, until I can’t walk one step more.

"What’s going to change?

"I have no income myself. Not a lot of education.

"I give up a good job, WITH benefits, WITH pension – I give up family and friends and my home for come to live with him.

"I have nowhere to go…I don’t want to go, go back to my own country.

"And I’m dead. "The dead don’t… "They don’t go back. "And they don’t come back.

"So I say to myself one day when he’s at work, ‘Well, if I’m dead I’m dead, but I can still think.

"'So if I can still think, I can still dream, can’t I?

"'So maybe I’ll have that fantasy lover now.'

"What else I do?

"So in my mind, I think up someone.

"I make him someone who turn me on.

"Someone good, but maybe more ‘there’.

"Someone as old as me -- no!! A little bit older!!!

"And I tell him who I am, I open up my soul so he can see it.

"I tell him everything that happened, and I tell him what I need, like it job interview.

"And I ask him if he consent.

"And he says, ‘Yeah, I consent.’ With smile real big.

"So in my mind we spend time together.

"And I’m dead, and he’s imaginary, so who cares, right?

"Only living people go crazy. Only living people hallucinate--”

I…

Feel kinda’ like I’m going to go to sleep, listening to her, and I don’t know why.

The peaceful blue.

It’s as if the air is a sponge, and the cloud blue daylight is silk that is soaked into the sponge, and it keeps pressing in, on my skin, on my mind.

I feel so still.

What is it about today?

Everything’s silk, and each moment, everything except her gets more silent.

But I still stand there, ‘cause I got offa’ work early anyway.

I don’t have nowhere I need to be right now.

But God is she broken, and she’s gotta get heard and no one else will do it.

And it feels urgent, you know?

And I was already standing there for that long anyway, right?

So what does it hurt if I stand there a little more?

Besides, I need to draw her later.

I can at least do this for her.

“So you know what?”, she says. “After a little while, my imaginary man, he helps me take me.

"One day, when my widower husband’s at work, we watch something nice…whatcha’ call it.

"Sophisticated. Cultured. And we talk and listen to good jazz and dance together and have some wine.

"Even have candles. So many things that I like, that I hadn't enjoy ever since I marry...

"It so funny.

"I feel my whole age, and it feel…

"It feel nice. It feel okay.

"And I had bought something hygienic for me from sex shop, with my tax refund from my last job.

"And I lay down, and I take me, okay?

"You know, I shoulda’ done it sooner.

"It’s like something crazy, ‘cause I still a believer, you know?

"I still think I have a soul. Still there creative force.

"But that force creates with us, with beings who create ourselves.

"And now I’ve abandoned it: idea other believers dragged up from the sand so long ago:

"About women, being owned -- always, they gotta be owned by someone -- that women be owned by their fathers until he give her to some man who will take her and make her their own.

"That good women never take for themselves -- they always too busy giving to everyone else, and then, MAYBE, someone nice to them who appreciate give to them in return.

"But no.

"No, I do it.

"I claim me, I make me my own, and this imaginary guy, he helps me do it, helps me, cause I so scared to do it.

"He help me, to get over the fear and indignity and embarrassment and shame and regret.

"I do it, but he make it all romantic and sexy, ‘cause he there.

"And you know what?

"That imaginary man, in the weeks that follow, he love me.

"He love me like I don’t know what. Even though I’m dead.

"I’ve never been loved like that before.

"I never allowed anyone, because I tried so hard to be good girl: for parents, and for whoever my husband would be.

"My imaginary man and I…we two people, not one, like they say in movies.

"We are ourselves. "We meet as equal.

"He like many things that I like.

"We spend time together, cook together. He make me laugh when I alone doing laundry. He walk out into the sun with me, holding hands.

"He like kiss, cuddle. Stroke. Sex -- sex simple; sex varied -- plenty of it!

"He gaze into my eye, unflinching.

"He talks to me, like he knows I’m THERE.

"He never look through me.

"He likes it, when I look at him all sparkly eye: he give me this proud smirk.

"He know I with him, and he CARE that I with him.

"He LIKES me!

"And he doesn’t let me to slow down; to stop, like the dead are supposed to.

"He encourage me, ‘GO. Go ahead, do this and do that which you thinking about, because you can do it. Because life is to be lived’, so I no sit around complacent and dazed; I would have otherwise.

"‘Death for later.’, he say, ‘Life now.’

"I do good things for myself…I do what?

"‘Self-care’, I think they call it. I try study all kinds of things, try and figure out if there another way for me to be.

"And I get happier, you know?

"Being with my imaginary man, he so good, so sexy and so sweet, and so strong.

"And he so, SO happy and proud when I am strong; when I learn things and when I do things, he is not frightened -- it no bother him, for me to succeed.

"I get happier and I get to where I don’t care.

"And I don’t care so much; that I’m alive again.

"But I’m not me, not who I was, not a girl.

"I’m still buried.

"The girl is buried.

"I’m something different.

"I’m a woman, but not because I took myself, you know?

"I’m a woman because I decided.

"I decided something, for me…and that something was to take myself, but you know, it could have been anything.

"Anything at all.

"It didn’t have to be the sex.

"But my husband, he finally realize I’m not me, because to him I look so sad when he’s around.

"Because when he around, I can’t be all new, always growing, like the living should be. He has expectations, assumptions, you know?

"And the assumptions, is like cage.

"I tell him, ‘I’m not sad, but I’m a woman now, you know.

"'Things are different for me. Did you no notice? I dress different now, I don’t dress like a girl anymore.

"'And maybe you don’t get a massage every night, did you no notice?

"'And I don’t cry no more and I don’t want you in that way no more.

"'I’m tired of wanting so much, wanting for almost ten years wanting you.’

"But he doesn’t believe me and he cries and he begs me not to leave him, even though I want to, even though he knows I can't.

"I want to go out there, you know?

"I…I not so good girl anymore.

"There a lot of men. Some of them won’t want me, like people told me, because my age. But I’ve looked now, when I walking. I know now, some of the men will.

"It would be fun. We would meet as equal, too: I give, they give.

"And, maybe I find one of them understand more. Not as deep as imaginary man understands…he’s not corporeal, it like he have cheat sheet!

"But another man might understand more than husband does, at least.

"I stay, because I can't leave.

"Husband, and husband's parents, they set everything up that way.

"But at least I got my imaginary lover.

"I start go to bars, you know? I get drink, to forget sometimes.

"I think to myself, ‘What has he done to me? I was so in love. He only had to take me and see me and treat me right.'

"I want to leave. Right now, start my life over cleanly. Or at least to cheat. To find someone nice, and love and be loved.

"To get it all back…the adoration, the touch of other men that I was offered, but that I rejected…because I was told that ‘they didn’t mean it’, that they offered ‘in order to hurt me’, and because I was ‘saving it up for my future husband’.

"I want to flirt. "To banter. "Maybe show off, do a portrait like I used to. Men used to say, I ‘have charm’, hey? "And 'wit'.

"…I used to fidget or hide my gaze when they said that.

"Hang my hair in my face.

"No more.

"I want to hear them say that, and smile at them.

"Turn charm up.

"Hear them sigh with their friends when they think I not notice.

"See their eyes, the desire in them.

"Choose one, if there’s one I want, and share me with them.

"To know what it’s like, to get flowers.

"Maybe I even find immigrant from my own country…modern man, but one who know my culture, understand my struggle.

"I want to experience it all, everything that I denied myself.

"But my husband, make me second guess, all time.

"My husband, you know, he say, he no believe I say these things! He say it -- quietly, kindly -- but he make me feel bad, saying, ‘We make vow. We promised, before God. We make commitment.’

"He say he will honor his commitment, even if I decide I no want to anymore, to be married. Even if I leave, he keep commitment.

"It drive me up wall!

"I look at him, I think to myself,

"‘Why? Why do you do this to me? You, you did this first, not me!

"'You leave me first!

"'Is your neglect no break of commitment?

"'Is you lie, you sabotage my goals, and push and push me away no break of commitment? Is my crying alone while he at work, feeling so lonely that I should die, that I did die, of no consequence?

"'I tried talk, I tried warn him, I stop wearing ring -- and he pat me on head, or say talking make him too sad -- all that no matter? Was that not break his commitment?'

"So, you understand, I go drinking, everybody drink, people will listen, even if they would not listen sober.

"And I ask them, I tell them what happen, I ask, ‘Am I being bad? He give me so much. Did I ask too much from him?’

"And they look at me, like I crazy.

"Some women, they say, ‘I would have leave after first THREE weeks, never mind fifteen months or years!’

"Some men, they say, ‘Is he really serious??? That’s--’ --what they say?

"There a word for it.

"‘Spousal neglect.’

"They say I could get annulment, it be like neither of us were ever married because…’consummated’.

"Marriage not consummated.

"They also laugh, think I a crazy woman -- a wife who wants sex, hey? They ‘never heard of it before’.

"The women, they no laugh.

"There are more wives like me, hurting also, everyone think they crazy because they want sex.

"Only a man supposed to want sex, right? Lots of it.

"Or, if you a woman and you want sex, it because you harlot.

"Some look down on me.

"Understand?

"Before I died, I would have look down on me, too.

"I would have hated me.

"I would have said, ‘She evil.’

"But the other women and I, we talk a long time.

"And those women, they know:

"Men who want sex. Men who don’t want sex. Men who only want a little.

"Women who don’t want sex. Women who only want a little. Some women, they want lots, just like some men.

"We agree: it not so simple.

"Whether or not you want sex, and how much sex, and from whom, and what kind, is not about whether man or wife.

"It ridiculous—is no prude, is no slut! "It depends on individual.

"It’s wired in. Into flesh and into your bones…

"...It make me glad I no ever guilt husband into take me.

"...He’s one of those, isn’t he?

"Probably couldn’t tell anybody…because, just like I ‘crazy woman’, maybe they call him ‘crazy man’, right?

"Man no want sex, no want romance, they never heard of it before, right?

"These assumptions. "They kill everyone.

"Anyway.

"Some of the women who hurt, they hurt long, long time. Years…decades!

"Others, they surprise I last so long! They think I made of steel!

"But I still die, huh? "Even steel breaks.

"But you know, I yell at him now, my widower husband.

"And sometime he laughs, and sometime he stares, and sometime he ignores. And I feel so bad for yelling at him.

"But I still do it, now and again, and he tries to touch me and I tell him to go away and he laughs some more and waits till later.

"He want now, now he want to take me!

"He say he understand now, that I need and that he should give to me.

"He talk more and more about kids now. Kids!

"But he doesn’t understand. Not at all.

"It so hard. When I was alive, I wanted him to touch me, so so so much.

"I would have kill for him to take me.

"But now that I’m dead, there’s too much memory, you know?

"Too much resentment.

"I think about it now, and when I think of him trying to take me I cry…because when I think of him taking me, I re-live the wondering and the questioning and the waiting and the wanting and the rejection and the need and the pain and the pain and the so-much confusion and so-much shame.

"I re-live it and I don’t want him no more…not like that.

"How wonderful it would have been, if we had just stayed friends!

"And then I help him maybe, find a nice girl with low libido, too, who no mind if he don’t take her. A girl who don’t remember no pain from him, who want same kind of life he want: of just stay still, of no do things, and no go anywhere, of no look at each other, of live only because your parents want you alive and married – not because you're alive, and in love.

"He deserves wonderful, sweet girl who in love with him deep and is satisfied with all he can give.

"Anyone deserves that.

"He have a lot to give, yes? "Like anyone.

"But don’t, don’t give me his pity touches after the fact.

"After the death.

"Don’t give me because I say I have to leave one day.

"My imaginary man…he gives me because it’s something to share, to savor, wanting me like I want him, glad to want me, relaxed, confident in it, ravenous for it and I give it and I receive it, too, easy and natural as raindrops.

"Because he wants to. "Not because he’s afraid I’ll leave.

"Hell, why would he be afraid?

"He understands that I’m dead and that he’s imaginary.

"There isn’t any ‘there’, so there isn’t any ‘leave’.

"I feel so, so whole, when with him.

"I understand, it not my fault.

"And it’s okay, to be woman and feel this way, to crave so much.

"I was born to love. I was built to be loved.

"It’s in my blood, it part of me, and it’s okay.

"And I can be all of me with a man, not just pieces, only the pieces they like.

"It better, it healthier, when I get to be all of me.

"So yeah.

"I yell at him now, my smart-stupid husband.

"Because now, a couple times a week, I see him get the shovel.

"And I know where he’s going.

"He goes to the grave I bought, and I tell him, ‘Don’t you do it! Don’t you do it, she tried everything!!!

"'She was good girl, she deserves peace, she should have respect. Let her rest! Don’t you know she’s dead?’

"But he doesn’t believe me.

"He doesn’t want to believe she’s dead, the girl.

"He wants to believe she’s shining and buried alive and that he can save her.

"So he digs and I yell at him!

"He wants to dig up the corpse of the dead girl to love him again.

"And he shovel, and the dirt comes back to hit me in the face: the live woman!

"He’d bury me if he could. If he could admit to himself clearly that he prefers things that way: me, the live woman, dead, breathing and buried, and the dead girl exposed, ashamed and aching in the too-bright air with not a breath in her--”

I gasp inwards, desperate, as if drowning.

That’s it. The last straw.

And I let the gasp out in a sudden scream:

“Alright!!! Alright, lady, alright already!”

Her eye goes wide, and she flinches, the crow fidgeting and flapping on her shoulder.

I pant, “I get you. I heard you. Okay? Understand? It’s alright. You’ve been heard!

"I’m gonna go now!”

And I don’t have to pull to get my arm back: her hand drops.

And I woulda’ run the rest of the way to the train.

But I’m too dazed to do it.

...I walk away as if I’m never gonna stop walking.

As if I’m gonna walk until I can’t walk anymore.

But slowly the sound comes back to the world. Even if everything is still blue.

So I keep going.

So I finally get to the train station, you know.

And it’s started to rain a little….the scattered, warm, heavy drops that’s real slow and don’t really wet you. Just makes dark dots all over the pavement.

And I’m right: the train that arrives is mostly empty, and that makes me feel real good, because my dogs are barking and so is my head.

...There’s no way I’ll be able to read my book.

Was looking forward to it, too…something about a steamy romance, high fantasy and adventure.

But there’s just no way.

Somehow, romance is not alive in my head right now.

It’s dead.

Like the Woman.

…No.

Like the Girl.

...I feel tired.

But you know….the train takes off like always.

It’ll be good, to get home.

I’m thinking I’ll cook curry tonight.

…But…I shit you not, I can’t even.

I can’t even, cause you know…ten minutes into the trip, there’s always this cemetery we pass by.

And it’s usually empty unless there’s a funeral, all the stones at peace.

Except not today.

There’s one stone that’s not at peace,

I SHIT YOU NOT,

this guy is there, and has this huge poster on display next to the gravestone, of a young girl: dark-haired, dark-eyed, glowing, she looks like she’s not quite from here.

And she’s got on this frilly cute dress, on the poster.

And on the poster, the sun is shining brightly, not one cloud in the sky.

And the girl on the poster’s smiling so hard she looks like she’ll break.

And he’s got flowers circled all around the poster, and he’s smiling so hard it looks like he’ll break.

And there’s banners in the trees, saying, ‘Welcome Back! Welcome Home!’

And he’s got a shovel, you know, and I can see it: his mouth moving, giving all these assurances and placations to the cold, cold ground, and he’s digging like mad.

To get at the poor girl’s dead corpse.

And there’s the smart-dressed woman with the crow on her shoulder and her one remaining eye, and she’s yelling at him.

[url-is-url]

At this point this is barely more than a doodle but, alive!Ember headcanons

I hc that she had lots of curly blonde Disney princess hair and big brown eyes and she absolutely hated both of these traits. Her aesthetic would have been somewhere between goth and like, proto-grunge. She's not a fire-themed ghost because she died in a fire, though she did, she's a fire-themed ghost because her other hobby besides music was arson. I imagine her being in high school in the very late 70s to early 80s - she would have died when Jack and Maddie were in undergrad - because that's when Siouxsie and the Banshees were big and her eyeliner is very Siouxsie imo. I also hc that Ann Wilson of Heart was her bi awakening.

My Ember is very, very auDHD. Her special interest is music, but like me she has "hyperfixate on ALL the things!" disease so she's not just into the playing and listening to music, she's also a huge geek about the audio tech side of things, and music history, and she can't be left alone with an instrument or she will try to play it even if she doesn't know how, and she's probably experimented with building her own instruments and recording gear. With her sensory differences, she can hear all sorts of shit that nobody else hears, and depending on the fic I do take this in a supernatural direction; sometimes she hears ghosts and shit even before she becomes a ghost herself.

So we've got a socially awkward child who hears things other kids can't hear and likes to set things on fire because it looks pretty and the crackling sound is a good stim. In the late 70s and early 80s. AKA... right when the Satanic Panic kicks off! I hc that she grew up in one of those judgemental small towns where everybody is all up in everybody's business, and about 60% of the other people in her town were convinced that either A) she was possessed by a demon, B) she straight up was a demon, or C) she was gonna be a serial killer when she grew up.

Enter Ember's biggest defender, her mom, the weirdest church lady. Mama McLain is inspired by two things: my own family history of southern folk magic, and the line in Hadestown that says "you might say [Orpheus] was touched... because he was touched by the gods themselves!". Mama McLain acknowledges that her daughter is a bit touched in the head, but she insists she's touched in the head by God/Jesus/Saint Gabriel, so mind your own biscuits. This is the kind of woman who whips out a dowsing rod when the neighbors need to build a new well, so she never blinked an eye about Ember claiming to be able to hear the trees growing if she held her breath, and if she's still alive she's perfectly aware that Ember is a ghost and keeps in touch with her accordingly. My mental image of Ember's dad is less firm, I imagine he's a long-haul truck driver and also very, very autistic (hence why being alone on the road so much doesn't make him crazy), so he thinks his daughter's eccentricities are Just Fine, Thank You. Father-Daughter Bonding Time consisted of Papa McLain tinkering on his truck while Ember tinkered with her record player and neither of them spoke to each other.

I know that ghost!Ember canonically has green eyes, but for some reason whenever I draw her I want to give her lavender eyes, so I did.

[eucharist-eulogy]

List your friends muses out of context (I might’ve sent this before but I forgot)

You did lol, dw bout it im just studying n posted this as a break opp

if there was a world record for highest concentration of menace to body size, she’d get it. Also stairwell moment

Do sonas count? You have a world record for the longest… well, lots of things (also come back -grabs straitjacket-)

HUSBAND /p /pos

the cutest bakery girl pls hold me in your strong arms

purple devil

best sop sorry i like him mean /j also hi frenchie with wrinkles

I NEED MORE STRONG WOMEN TO CARRYME PLEASE I NEEEEEED IT /ref also i have mochi pspsps

A God. Do you know how little that narrows it down/j oh wait nevermind he killed the auntie.

cereal. Cereal. CEREAL.

LEAVE SHILOH ALONE YOU FLUFFY CRITTER WITH DRAWING SKILLS /j /lh

hackerman with a beanie and trauma. Then again he’s not the only one with trauma, get in line.

most normal mun. have a easter egg

Liam harem starter, ft the frenchies

His hair is a lightshow. I love it tho

ma’am GET OF THE TRAIN FLOOR ITS DIRTY

Man has infinite rizz except with this one lady. Proceeds to pull the most crazy shit.

Elsa but male and daughterless

pinkest pink im so sorry for you /gen /lh

imagine having a whole AXE and STILL dying. Sorry ma’am but L.

Woman has an eye addiction and whipping addiction but she got no one to take the pE e pE rs eyes from

rizzman with a harem and an american dream

fatherless. Motherless. Parentless. FAMILYLESS.

Do you think he weighs as much as an otter or…

evil watermelon.

british so girlfailure she has to fight with the irish guyfailure

i want her shoes to stomp on karens.

cutie but she called your friend dying a canon event

russian’th? Woman where is yo id. No woman, I’m not afraid of magic spider webs.

smol. elaine jr

pink jesus

I remember I remember I am trapped help me save me help me. . Do i look cute?

samurai man with three arms

we do not talk about your neon pink partner, mister bartender

doggie man we lov

(edit: IT FUCKING CUT FOR SOME REAODN RATTLES)

[bonniehooper]

MR. ROBOT REWATCH, 2x01 & 2x02: “eps2.0_unm4sk-pt1.tc” & "eps2.0_unm4sk-pt2.tc"

-Part one?

-Oh, we’re seeing when Tyrell recorded the message that went out to everyone.

-Wait, why is Elliot reaching into the popcorn machine?

-Why are we seeing when Elliot’s dad pushed him out of the window?

-What was the point of that flashback?

-Wait, how do they know it was Tyrell? Also, how did they make it look like Obama was saying all that? I mean, I know it’s possible, but it looks so real.

-Leon!

-I forgot about Leon’s obsession with Seinfeld.

-Did he draw a QR code in his journal? If so, what’s it for?

-I’m surprised that Krista would still see Elliot after everything he told her he did last season.

-Oh, he doesn’t trust Mr. Robot.

-Elliot: “I’m not ready to trust you yet, not after what you did.” Wait, after what "I" did? What the hell did I do?

-Elliot: “You kept things from me, and I don’t know if I can tell you secrets like before.” Hey, I only knew what you let me know, so that’s more on you than me. I’m just saying.

-I wasn’t honest with you? You weren’t honest with me, Elliot! You’re the one who hid that Mr. Robot was in your head and resembled your father. I wasn’t privy to that info before you told me. Stop blaming me........Why am I arguing with a fictional character?

-Why is Mr. Robot hiding Tyrell from Elliot?

-Oh fuck, I forgot that Mr. Robot shoots Elliot in the head.

-Oh my god, that’s such a crazy image of Elliot sitting up with a bullet hole in his head and asking Mr. Robot, “You done?”

-Wait, “again”? How many times has he shot you?!

-Who’s this lady?

-Okay, who is fucking with the stuff in this lady’s house?

-Darlene, did you fuck with this lady’s house so you could squat in her empty house?

-Gideon? Why are you visiting Elliot?

-Shit, Allsafe closed?

-Gideon: “Everyone’s telling me it’s over.” Mr. Robot: “Gee, I wonder whose fault that is. Was that you or me? I’m getting all mixed up, I can’t recall.” Fuck you, Mr. Robot. Gideon doesn’t deserve this.

-I hate that Gideon is taking the fall and Elliot wants to help him, but he can’t!

-Not going to lie, I'd probably lose my mind if I had to listen to Leon talk about Seinfeld all day, every day.

-So, when you’re annoyed you shoot Elliot, what are you going to do to him when your feelings are hurt?

-Darlene, what’s wrong?

-So, is this ladies house the new headquarters for fsociety?

-Wait, how are you on the losing side, Darlene?

-Where’s Angela?

-What’s happening now? What’s on the teller’s screen? Is this fsociety’s doing?

-An intermission? And now part two? What is this episode's structure?

-Scott, I don’t know if this is a good idea.

-Making a delivery? Is he really or does he work for fsociety?

-Wait, they want him to put a mask on and what give people the money?

-Oh, never mind, he’s burning the money.

-So, what exactly was the point of this?

-That abrupt cut of the song startled me.

-I was about to say, do you not know how this works dude? It’s all good, Joanna’s into it.

-Oh God, I can’t remember her name, but I recognize her face.

-Doesn't she work for the FBI?

-Oh God, what are you going to tell them Gideon?

-I forgot Craig Robinson was in this show!!

-Yeah, what happened to Flipper?

-What’s your line of work, Ray?

-Ray: “Damn, man. That’s some cold, brutal shit right there. I’m going to have to go listen to some Adele on repeat when I get back home.”

-So were they able to get Nancy Grace to film this or did they manipulate footage like they did with Obama earlier?

-Dude, Joanna only needs you for one thing, now get lost.

-Wait, where is her son?

-Angela, finally!!

-Damn, Angela has grown colder, yet more confident in her job since the last time we saw her.

-Angela, what is this music?

-Ha ha, bitches!! Looks like Angela's good at her job, huh?

-What is that present?

-Joanna, I wouldn’t trust it.

-Did Tyrell send her a phone so they can communicate?

-Damn, Angela was completely on this lawyer’s side last season, now she doesn’t want anything to do with her.

-Angela: “I’ve done more for you and the lawsuit than you’ve ever done for me or yourself.” Damn, Angela. What the fuck has happened to you?

-I just realized, does Angela know where Elliot is right now? Does she even care?

-Okay, Angela, I like you getting more positive and standing up for yourself, but you just seem like you’ve gotten colder, and I don’t like it.

-When you two spoke last night? Oh fuck, what did Mr. Robot do?

-Oh my God, Elliot just laughing at Mr. Robot is so fucking creepy. God, Rami is so good.

-Elliot: “I’m late for my church group. Peace.”

-Just give Elliot what he wants Mr. Robot, and you can have what you want.

-Back off, Brock.

-Wait, his husband left him? Seriously?!

-I don’t trust this guy. Gideon, you need to leave.

-NO!!! OH MY GOD, I FORGOT ABOUT THIS BITCH KILLING GIDEON!! FUCK OFF, HE DIDN’T DESERVE THAT!!!!!!!!!!

-Of course, the phone rings when Joanna’s not by it.

-Elliot are you falling asleep during your group?

-Whoa, what happened? How much time has past? Who is on the phone?

-Tyrell?!

-And that’s how you end the episode?!

[khattikeri]

i loved reading your post. i think hori is way worse than kishimoto when it comes to writing female characters. he has disgusting opinion on women and at this point i cant even separate the art from the artist. hori disgusts me on many levels. also, are you an anime only fan or do you follow the manga as well. if its the latter, what are you thoughts on the recent events of the series.

apart from his sexist view on women, i think the plot itself, it's fights and everything in between also has plenty of flaws rearing it's ugly head

I think it's less of a hatred for women on Horikoshi's part and more an unconscious bias that ends up leading to female characters all dying or fading away into irrelevancy... or being established as "strong" only for them to have a single shining moment before being relegated to supporting male character arcs, which get a lot more time and detail.

I quit the anime halfway through season 5 and haven't been reading ongoing manga chapters properly in years (I stopped when Lady Nagant was defeated), so I don't actually know how the final arc is going. I've seen some things relating to Dabi/Todoroki family drama and Bakugou's status in the battle. But I check leaks very rarely.

I was pretty disillusioned and emotional when I wrote the rant post on misogyny in the series. I just typed it out in one go fueled by my own indignance at how conveniently things go for Midoriya and how little any of the women in the story get to shine, even when the intention is for them to do so.

I obviously missed some points and examples because I was so emotional... so seeing people take it out of context on twitter and calling me a crazy tumblr fujoshi or radfem acting in bad faith pissed me off. I blocked a lot of people over it. Not worth my time if people can't fucking read and use their brains, lol.

I hesitate to throw labels at Horikoshi though. Maybe he does truly believe that women can be as strong as men. Maybe he doesn't truly hold misogynystic beliefs in the extreme way, where he thinks women have to be subservient. How people view strength between genders is an important aspect to consider. Saying a woman is strong or having her fight physically is not the same as being given equal character development to a man. Men get inhuman or creature-based designs, such as the centipede, but all the women have moe humanesque faces even if they have different skin colors or horns. Where do you draw the line?

Regardless of Horikoshi's intentions, there is a disparity in how he writes and draws his female vs his male characters, and especially how many of each of them he creates. I think it's ridiculous to act like that difference doesn't exist at all, or that someone calling it out (with no intention to like, cancel him) is reading into it too deeply.

In the end if people can't handle others pointing out flaws about things they like, that's a problem for them, not me. I've heard others say the final bnha arc is flawed and overly rushed, but I wouldn't know. I don't intend to read it until the series is over so I can binge and then mark it complete on my lists.

I used to like it but these days I find myself understanding more and more that shonen manga, especially Jump manga and action shonen, truly are not meant for me. I'm not a kid anymore and my standards for character development, plot development, and critical analysis just don't mesh well with it.

[grayintogreen]

I really have to say that in the wake of the quip post going around and me rewatching LOST, there is really nothing funnier than a scene that isn’t supposed to be funny, isn’t even set up to be funny, but through the absolute absurdity of the situation is hilarious. To wit, there is humor in playing an absurd scene completely straight without trying to draw attention to how absurd it is.

To use LOST as an example, there’s a scene where two characters meet on an abandoned ship in the jungle (which is funny on its own) that goes like this:

In one corner we have John Locke, currently playing with a knife while the guy he manipulated into coming into the jungle with him on a convoluted quest to get HIM to kill their mutual abuser because he couldn’t do it himself is banging on the door to the brig because Locke is allergic to explaining things as all the island mystics tend to be.

In the other corner, entering the scene, we have Danielle Rousseau, local island crazy lady that everyone has accepted as just a staple of the experience and is deemed an Ally despite the fact that she doesn’t join their group, lives on her own, and has death traps strewn throughout the jungle that are just commonly referenced as a thing that happens.

The two of them regard each other. “Rousseau.” “Locke.”

(And now it’s already funny to the Philosophy Major crowd but wait there’s more.)

Rousseau looks at the door where there’s still shouting and banging. Locke doesn’t explain anything. “What brings you to the ship?”

(Keep in mind that Rousseau is the one who showed the survivors the ship and makes frequent trips to it. LOCKE is the one acting weird. Locke has decided that the only way to make this situation Not Awkward is to just roll with it. He is legitimately Bavarian Fire Drilling his way out of what would CONCERN MOST PEOPLE.)

But here’s where it gets funny.

“I’m here for the dynamite.”

Okay. So you have one person who has locked someone in the brig for some reason and another person who is known to be EXTREMELY HAZARDOUS to the health and safety of others because of her death traps going “I need dynamite” and none of this sounds like sane reasonable behavior and the punchline is just both of them staring at each other and NOT QUESTIONING ANY OF IT. Rousseau walks out with a box of dynamite, Locke continues to wait for a murder to occur.

THAT is funny. That is humor that requires insight into the characters, the situation, and how none of the steps taken are the steps you’d expect. Humor doesn’t have to rely on zingers and meme worthy lines- it requires you to be able to take a completely absurd situation and play it absolutely straight. No irony poisoning and SEE WE KNOW THIS IS STUPID will ever compare to watching two characters just completely refuse to react to something weird or even treat it as anything other than normal behavior.