#he's bad now but i think he was way WORSE IN 2018?? WTF

[ensuists]

really though none of these muses other than kai truly intended to be here so if u like any other muse u better thank ur stars we weren't interacting in 2018 cuz he was the ONLY ONE THEN (it helped make it easier to choose who tf to interact with tho)

[jakowskis]

Day 1 - How did you first get into Torchwood?

fdhkf ok ok so basically. i do not remember exactly what happened. this happens to me often like i can never remember what i came across that first got me into the media. with torchwood i at least know it was the fact that everyone was bi, but i dont rmr if i saw a post about it, or if i was fucking around on tvtropes or something - i legit cannot remember. i remember seeing a gifset of gay torchwood kisses p early on, but i dont think that was like the inciting incident? that mighta come about when i was doing research into the alleged fruitiness FHSJDFKDS. i do know i've been aware of jack as a character for at least a decade, like i'd heard of the harkness test + i was aware that he was 'that slutty doctor who guy', and also, coincidentally, in the fandom i was in in 2015, someone wrote a crossover fic where my fav slept with jack and ianto and i read it 😭 had no idea who they were, i hopefully at least googled them but fhsdjkf. but anyway i was like 'ooh a show with an all bisexual cast? color me intrigued.' i'd never touched dw either, i had friends who liked it when i was in middle school but i always saw it as kinda dorky fhsdkj (namely cuz my friends were dorks), but yeah, i was reeled in by the concept of sci-fi bisexuals. but not fully! it was in like 'yeah ill put that on my watchlist and get around to it in 2 yrs' territory

but then, as im looking into it, i realize owen's played by burn gorman, who i only knew from pac rim, which i'd fixated on briefly in 2018, riiiight before pru came out. my pr fixation p much revolved entirely around newt; i liked newmann, but i didn't get super into it. hermann himself was kind of an afterthought, i wasn't big on him at the time. anyway i saw owen and recognized hermann's actor, and my initial reaction was like "WHAT DO U MEAN HERMANN FUCKING GOTTLIEB'S IN THE SLUTTY BISEXUAL SHOW??? THIS I MUST SEE! HERMANN GOTTLIEB KISS MEN REAL NOT CLICKBAIT?!?!?!!??" and that was literally the thing that made me watch it. LAWL and the first few eps were so damn jarring bc i continued to just associate owen with hermann initially. and worse yet, ive now developed a hefty crush on burn himself lmao, i think he's gorg and ive watched a lot of his stuff, but before i got into torchwood i only knew him from PR and i didnt find hermann attractive or even rlly compelling in the slightest (this has changed significantly; im in my hermann era as a pr fan. newt who). so it was also a lot of "WTF WHY IS HE HOT??? HUH???? DUDE NO WAY." it's since lost its novelty, but it was very jarring + amusing to me at first, trying to reconcile owen n hermann. its like if u ran into ur frumpy weird professor at leather night and he was the twink of ur dreams FDSKJFHDSKJFDSK

yeah so then i watched the show and it fucking smacked me over the head with a shovel bc its so fucking bad but its so fucking good. and very quickly my view of owen went from "wait a mf second why is not-hermann kind of 🫦 hiii mean slutty hermann hiii" to "wait. oh hes fucked up. oh hes sad. oh no i love him" to him being my third favorite character of all time. fff. but more on that tomorrow! hehehehe

[roccinan]

hi 🤗 so about the WIPs, i take it that the ones in bold are the new ones, and you've probably already talked about all the others, but i didn't see it then, so can i ask about "grand hotel"? i assume it's a gran hotel AU, so super curious. and maybe you have a new snippet? 🥰✨

Hi! Thanks for the ask! Yep, the ones in bold are the new ones (unfortunately LMAO). I haven't talked about all the others yet so feel free to ask about whatever you want haha

[ 👉 My Wips ]

You're the first one to ask about "grand hotel"! Yes, it is a Gran Hotel AU LOL. I want to preface by saying that show is cursed. Its only merit is the use of Spanish vocabulary and the lack of modern swear words. Otherwise- terrible characters, terrible plot twists, terrible script, terrible beards, TERRIBLE. I'm only watching it out of spite at this point. Would never recommend it to anyone.

So technically speaking, it's a berlermo transmigration AU: Martin dies in the bank heist and wakes up in 1905, in the body of Ricardo Clayderman (Rodrigo's character from Yucatan 2018, who I've moved back in time for fun lol). Clayderman conveniently looks just like Martin. And while Martin's figuring out wtf happened to him, he sees the manager of the Gran Hotel, Don Diego... who looks just like Andres except with a horrible beard.

And just when Martin resigns himself to the fact that Diego is just an uglier Andres lookalike, plot twist! Diego is, in fact, Andres. After he died in the mint heist, he woke up as Diego and just rolled with it. It's been 2 years between the mint and bank heist in real time, but in Gran Hotel time, only like, 6 months.

So Andres (as Diego) only pretended not to recognize Martin (as Clayderman) because on the day Clayderman (as himself) checked into the hotel, Andres got his hopes up, then got them dashed when Clayderman turned out to just be some random conman. So after Andres and Martin clear this up, they shave their beard/mustache off (Which is the ENTIRE POINT of this fic). Then they start courting each other, but because it's Gran Hotel world, they get sucked into some telenovela drama of epic proportions.

And I do have some snippets I haven't shared yet ;)

Because Martin was quite aware of his own character-- if he had truly died and gone to the great beyond, there was zero chance in a million that he’d wake up in a sunlit room on a fluffy bed. And he doubted one grand heroic death would be enough to grant him a chance in heaven.

On the off chance that it did, he’d be tossed back where he belonged soon enough anyway.

**

But he froze in place when the booklet opened. It was a passport, handwritten and stamped, with a black and white photograph pinched within, the quality leaving much to be desired. The photo, however, was undoubtedly himself in a tweed suit-- staring directly at the camera, gaze hard, hair parted to the side, the trimmed mustache sitting neat on his lip. He did not recall having ever taken this photo.

His eyes, of their own accord, ran across lines in the document: Ricardo Luis Clayderman Granado, date of birth 1865.

In disbelief, he pressed his thumb to the number. 1865.

Then he laughed, a wild throaty cackle bouncing out. This was a joke, a rather bad one at that, and to think, that he’d almost fallen for it. No, he’d have to be an idiot to believe an explosion had somehow sent him back to the year 1865 in another man’s body.

“What the fuck!” he cried, on his knees, laughing so hard his sides strained.

**

Cantaloa was a lovely town by the Spanish sea, a warm, homely little place that looked like it came out of a children’s storybook. The sky was perfectly blue, the birds were in harmony, and wildflowers roamed the earth. Martin hated it. He hated it.

**

Now he had to contend with facing Andres de Fonollosa, the source of practically all his grief and rage for the past five fucking years, for who knows how long. And Andres did not even know him. It was not even Andres. It was a man with his face, his eyes, his voice. But not him.

Martin lifted his head, locks of brown tickling his brow. He cackled.

He might not be in biblical hell, but this was indeed a punishment worse than death. He’d rather blind himself than have to live the rest of his days watching Andres’ lookalike waltz around with someone else. He dug his hands into the armrest, and clamped his teeth down upon it.

It tasted like shit. Just the way he liked it.

[medea10]

My Review of Magical Girl Site

How did I get into this anime? I…huh…Good question! I don’t recall. Probably some other anime reviewers mentioned it and I put it on the Amazon/Netflix list hoping I won’t have to watch it any time soon. Two years later and here we are!

Aya Asagiri’s life is a living hell. She is constantly bullied at school and no one does a thing to stop it. Her teachers don’t care about her well-being. Her father barely notices she exists. And to top it off, her brother beats the crap out of her just for him to relieve stress! Is it any wonder that she wants to commit suicide? One night, her computer mysteriously turns on to a website, promoting Aya to become a magical girl. She brushed it off and thought nothing of it…

That is until the next morning when she finds a note and a gun in her shoe locker. After being tortured by her bullies and almost raped, she finds herself at the end of her ropes and pulls out the mysterious gun. When she pulled the trigger, her bullies disappeared. Turns out, the targets are transported to another place. In the case of some of her bullies, they were transported to in front of a moving train.

Karma, bitches!

It’s unknown why Aya was specifically chosen to become a magical girl, but fellow magical girl Yatsumura feels she could use Aya’s magic to combat a looming threat to other magical girls. But they must not overuse their magic, otherwise they will die.

BETWEEN THE SUB AND THE DUB: As of this moment, this anime seems to be in the capable hands of Amazon Prime. And we all know how well they treat animes, right?! Hahaha! Funny! Anyways, don’t expect a dub! The cast seems to be comprised of many female seiyuus I’m not particularly familiar with. I mean with the exception of Aina Suzuki, I hear her sounds every day thanks to the Love Live game apps! Add to that the creepy, raspy voice of Frieza playing the site administrator! One voice actor however I heard the second he let out a creepy, hygena-like laugh, I knew exactly who this crazy bastard was! Nobuhiko Okamoto plays a great psychopath. Here’s what you might recognize these folks from.

*Aya is played by Yuuko Oono

*Yatsumura is played by Himika Akaneya

*Sarina is played by Haruka Yamazaki (known for Ruka on Hayate the Combat Butler, Mero on Monster Musume, Aika on High School DxD, and Natsumi on Danganronpa 3)

*Nijimi is played by Yuu Serizawa (known for Shera on How Not to Summon a Demon Lord)

*Shioi is played by Aina Suzuki (known for Mari on Love Live Sunshine)

AUTOMATICLY THROWN ON DISLIKED LIST: Okay children, who automatically ends up on my hate list for life?

Fuckers who commit rape and fuckers who kill animals for fun!

Damn right! Give this anime some credit for not showing Aya’s bullies throwing a cat in front of a moving train. If this were 10 years ago, they probably would have animated it and I would have been puking afterward. I’m not sure which of Aya’s bullies threw a cat in front of a moving train, but for the time being, I’m throwing them all on the list.

And while I’m here, Sarina! She was like the ring-leader in the bullying of Aya. I’m almost certain she’s the bitch that killed the stray cat but I have no proof of that. With my history with horrible people like that, I have no sympathy for bullies in the slightest and feel she got what was coming to her. Bitch, you got that big, ugly scar on your neck for a reason. You got what was coming!

DEFINITELY BELONGS IN DISLIKE HISTORY: Now that I got the usual gripe off my chest, gotta add Aya’s onii-chan, Kaname! Sweet merciful crap, do I love hearing Nobuhiko Okamoto play a psychopath, but this is going way too far. And Kaname is just irredeemable! He has this complex that makes him think he’s on God-tier and everyone else is beneth him. Now I do have to hate Kaname and Aya’s father for placing this kind of pressure on Kaname and beating the shit out of him if he gets bad grades. But good fuck, this guy just pushes past the line of no return when he tries to manipulate little girls, steal their power, and lose control. And this wasn’t like he had no control over his own body and wants to stop this from happening! Kaname meant every thing he did to his sister and her friends. OH…and that one guy he forced to off himself! I just can’t even with this guy!

SHIPPING: I know a lot of people ship the hell out of Aya and Yatsumura and yeah, I can see that and I would ship them too. But for reals, I just want these two girls to live a life of peace together for as long as they’re around. For fuck’s sake, did you see the shit they put up with in their lives? Aya was bullied relentlessly at home and school. Yatsumura watched her whole family be slaughtered by a creep. These girls deserve some sort of peace! I know this is the shipping category, but I felt the need to say this.

STICKS: Okay anime, what are you doing? Aya uses a magical gun! Sarina uses a magical yo-yo! Nijimi uses magical panties (insert immature laugh here)! Yatsumura uses a magical remote! How hard is it to have them say that! And I probably shouldn’t put blame on the anime and holler at the manga! But calling magical items “Sticks”, that feels…I don’t want to say stupid, but I can’t think of any other word to go along with that. I just feel like the manga was on some deadline and they were frantically finishing what to call their magical items and just went “FUCK IT, IT’S STICKS”.

COULD HAVE FOOLED ME: In the “Could have fooled me” category we have a boy who identifies as a girl magical girl! Man, 2018 definitely was the progressive AF year! I mean, we had Lily from Zombieland Saga, we had the girls who transformed into magical buff men in Magical Girl Ore, and now THIS! So we have Kiyo! An openly transgendered magical girl that’s not a token joke! Okay, well done guys! Pearl points all around!

ENDING: Early in the series, we learned about a moment called “The Tempest”. A catastrophic even set to take place once enough negative energy is caught. There are a lot of Magical Girl Site administrators that take advantage of “POOR UNFORTUNATE SOULS”. They pick the most unfortunate girls as pawns in their game. And once “The Tempest” hits, everyone will die and the world will start over anew. Aya and Yatsumura end up meeting new magical girl allies and even a few that were coersed by different administrators. Not to mention one of Aya’s bullies is a magical girl too with a score to settle! What could be worse?

How about we add Aya’s disgusting brother to this mix?! As I’ve mentioned before, Aya’s brother Kaname would use Aya as a personal punching bag in order to get rid of stress. When Aya became a magical girl, she would spend more time with Yatsumura or the other girls, leaving Kaname to go without slugging his sister. So fuckface over here manipulates another magical girl, Nijimi to do what he says. This leads to him stealing Nijimi’s underwear and gaining her magical power of mind control. I never thought I would have to say a sentence like that, but here we are.

Kaname went out of control with this power as he managed to injure all of the girls and give a fatal blow to Nijimi. But another possible enemy dropped a bomb on us when they kidnapped Kaname. THEN, these girls are targeted at Nijimi’s funeral and they almost died. Add another plot-twist, a police officer that’s been seen from time to time in a lot of the tragedies in the show is in cahoots with one of the magical girl site administrators. This keeps getting fuckier by the minute! Well, the girls felt it was time to take action and try to take out the administrators that screwed them with this doomed fate. But once they took out one of the administrators, they came across an ugly truth.

Sight administrators are magical girls who died previously!

Yeah, not that big of a shock! Madoka Magica gave us magical girls who end up so corrupt that they become witches they’re supposed to fight. While some of the administrators ended up falling to these girls, Nana (the creepy one we’ve been watching since ep 1) is the hardest one to take out. She ends up killing Yatsumura (because she used up too much of her power), but then manipulates her to become an administrator.

Once she manipulated Yatsumura, she ends up going after Aya. And after a lot of back-and-forth between the two girls, Yatsumura was able to snap out of Nana’s control and they managed to take out Nana. And we end the series with a brighter future for Aya and Yatsumura as their lives become a little less unfortunate.

Yeah, few issues here!

1.) There are still a butt-load of site administrators. Isn’t there still a “Tempest” going to happen? 2.) Aya and Yatsumura’s lives aren’t in danger anymore after using fuck-tons of their power? WTF?! 3.) What was the point of Aya shooting herself to get Yatsumura back? I am not following you. Is this some sort of Insception shit?! 4.) That detective! Misumi was his name? Why was he just casually talking to Nana a few episodes back? 5.) Why don’t we see him until the final few moments in the finale? 6.) WHY DID HE RAPE KANAME?! 7.) WHY WAS THIS SCENE A THING? 8.) I don’t want to say Kaname deserved it, buuuuuut… Uuuggghhh…Mumble, mumble. I can’t finish that thought. 9.) These site administrators are probably pissed and are going to want revenge on these magical girls. What’s going on here?

…Let me guess, I need to read the manga to get all my questions answered…

FUCKING FIGURES!

Seriously...what Misumi did. That scene is forever etched in my brain forever. Next to that scene of Kaname wiggling his junk in front of a guy.

This anime was pretty bad. No wait...

This anime was way too edgy for me! Episode 1 was just absolute torture porn involving Aya. The first episode managed to combine the bully scene in Vivid Strike, the puppy killing scene in Elfen Lied, and every bullying episode of Hell Girl all into one single episode. As for the rest of this series, they go above and beyond to grab some of the worst aspects of other animes and implement them here. Aya’s older brother almost has a God-complex that rivals that of Light Yagami of Death Note. Nijimi has a devoted fan that’s almost crossing over from the movie Perfect Blue. Body mutilation scenes on levels not seen since Higurashi! And fill this world up with the worst kinds of humans imaginable like in Elfen Lied! This was just too much hatred! Too much!

Add to that, there’s absolutely no resolution to this story. Yes, Aya and Yatsumura are alive and together. But guys, there are still some other-worldly strong site administrators looming! Tempest is still happening. KANAME IS STILL FUCKING ALIVE…literally and figuratively speaking! And with how much this anime has been panned by anime fans across the board, I doubt if this anime will ever receive a sequel. Guys, if you want a really good 12-episode anime about magical girls with an edge, just watch Madoka Magica. But if you’re a curious idiot like me, whatever, you do you!

As this anime is an Amazon Prime exclusive, I’m afraid that’s the only legal outlet for this.

Now that this is over, my next Amazon/Netflix/Crunchyroll anime is…

Grand Blue!

Oh, it’s set in a cute ocean town. Am I going to enjoy some cute absurdity like I did with Tsuritama?

Sort of!

OH GOOD FUCK, WHAT FRAT HOUSE WAS THIS BIRTHED FROM?!

[ninainthetardis]

AVENGERS ENDGAME SPOILERS + MY THEORIES & COMMENTS

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It's been a week since I saw Endgame and I think it's really the time for me to write some comments about it.

The First Part of the Movie

- It was kinda smart as in a couple of minutes it foiled almost every theory ever made about it.

- It was good as they showed us our heroes humanity, the way they struggled to move on after the snap and how alone, responsible and broken they felt.

- It was too long: they could've used half - or at least a third - of that time to cover some of the plot holes left at the end of the movie, or to show us something more interesting. For example, Imagine if there was no scene about Hulk taking pictures with his fans and instead of it we'd got Steve's meeting with Red Skull. Wouldn't it be amazing? Yes.

- Thor and Hulk were destroyed. Those characters went on a journey since we first met them, and starting from Ragnarok to finish with Endgame, they ended up going backwards instead of moving forward. They were hilarious in some moments, yes, but mostly they looked ridiculous and ooc. I mean... Hulk's dab dance? WTF?! Thor spending his days playing fortnite? It looked a little excessive to me honestly.

- I loved the way Natasha and Steve kept counting on each other like the family they were supposed to be. They give each other strength and support, and love. They were amazing. Truly.

- Tony's speech almost made me cry. Of course I knew that was not his end, - it was too soon -, but I almost cried anyway. Watching him suffering pained me. I was trying to figure out how they would manage to get out that situation when Carol showed up and I almost screamed. And CAN WE TALK ABOUT TONY LETTING NEBULA WIN, PLEASE?!

The Time Travel Thing

Basically, Ant man came back to our world to find out half of the population had been wiped away, and he has this idea of time traveling because why not? Let's mess with our minds a little more.

They explained that if they went back, their past would not change anyway, but at the same time Bruce says that when they remove an Infinity stone from its timeline, they create an alternative reality. Now, sure Steve put them back to where they belonged when they were not of use to the Avengers anymore, but still, there's a Loki who fled with the Tesseract in 2012 and I don't think that Steve faced him and fixed it on his own: I mean, it took the six of them to defeat him the first time! So, didn't that create a different reality? There is an Infinity stone out of place after all.

Still, I can't see how Thanos could do the snap if his 2014 version is dead. All I'm saying is that the timeline we saw remains unchanged, but we can't actually know whether there is an alternative timeline in which IW never happened or not. I like to think there is because this would mean that there is a reality where Nat, Tony and Steve are still alive, together and maybe happy. Just we'll never see it. Unfortunately.

Plus, the soul stone. A soul for a soul, right? Given that Steve returned the stone, couldn't he get Natasha back?

Tony. I expected Tony to die at the end of this movie but seriously guys that hurt too much, I was not ready at all. He finally had the family he deserved and wanted but could not sacrifice half of the living beings on earth just to keep his happiness. WHAT A CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. He started from fighting for himself to almost sacrifice himself in Avengers 1 and to actually do it in the end. Chapeau, Iron Man.

Steve. And here the thing gets complicated. I expected Steve to die as well,though his death would have broken me, - you know, favorite character and so on. We were ready for just one of them to die, so the only way to completely destroy our hearts was to kill both of them off. They didn't, and somehow this was even worse.

It's like we were robbed of our proper goodbye to Cap. I am, of course, happy he got the love of his life back (though I can't see how this will not affect the timeline tbh), but up to Endgame, things happened. First of all, Sharon Carter. And here everything gets weird. Secondly, he made a journey during which he changed and came to accept what had happened to him. In the end, it was all thrown away. It's kind of ooc for me that he just left Bucky in the present, friends who needed him, and went back to the past. And at the same time I can't actually see him just sitting there when he could prevent shit to happen. Though he promised Nat to move on, and maybe, after losing Nat and Tony, he realized that the only way for him to move on was to go back. Because yes, I think he wouldn't have come back if they had been alive. And Bucky followed his own path after CW, so they had already gone on separate ways.

As I said, it's tricky. A lot.

It's like Tony learnt from Cap to sacrifice himself and Cap learnt from Tony to put himself first for once.

"See you in a minute".

Natasha's death. That I didn't expect. Well, actually I did, being her my second favorite character and being used to watching my favorite characters die all the time. But you know, I thought that the soul stone required the soul of the one you love the most, and there was no way that Clint loved her more than his family. So I thought he was the one better suited for the sacrifice. And instead that wasn't the case and she died. But I didn't want any of them to die anyway. And it hurt because she said "see you in a minute" and then she didn't come back. And Steve's reaction when he realized she was gone forever. My poor heart.

This movie truly messed up with me.

Random comments

- Pepper was amazing and the scene of all women fighting side by side was MARVELOUS. I wish Natasha was there though.

- Poor Morgan lost his father, they were so cute and happy, my heart can't handle this.

- Thor giving away his throne was... I don't know, that's tricky as well. His whole path was about becoming worthy and gaining the awareness he needed to be a just king. So it makes sense he didn't feel like ruling at that moment, he lost himself and needed to find the right path again, but giving the throne away? Sounds too much to me imho. But I also don't think we've seen all of Thor, so... Maybe they'll fix it later on.

- Gamora. 2018 Gamora is dead, 2014 one is alive. What. About. Her? If the past remains unchanged, does it mean that she has only four years left to live (in perfect final destination style)? Or maybe she died when Tony snapped? Or she just run away to follow her own path again, as originally in 2014 she left Thanos and changed from a bad to a good guy, doing we don't know what exactly. Maybe she's meant to do it again, (just in the future) before meeting Quill again.

- The Scarlett Witch is FIRE. Can't wait to see her show! (Also, Loki's. I wonder if it will start from him fleeing with the Tesseract or if it will be a prequel like the movie about the Black Widow)

- Ronin. It was like Natasha and Clint's position were reversed and this time it was down to Natasha to save him and she did it. She's so loyal to her friends, her family, the family she found in the Avengers. She deserved so much better.

- I expected that they had to face either Loki (the one who fled with the Tesseract, after he did it), as a sort of coming back to the start, or Thanos from the past. It was Thanos and I was happy. I still hope we'll see Loki with his character development intact again.

- The final battle was INCREDIBLE. AMAZING.

- When I was at the cinema, I was 99% sure there was no scene after the credits. I waited anyway. And it was only when I saw that black screen that I realized it was really, really over. That was the moment I had to repress other tears.

- I'm gonna stop now. I just want to say that, in spite of all the plot holes and things I don't agree with and that were done, or things that I thought could've been done better, I loved this movie. It's the end to an era that meant - and still means - a lot to me and it was AMAZING. I will bring all those characters and those stories with me forever. Nat, Steve and Tony in a special way. One day I'll come to terms with the fact that this is all. But not today.

Love you 3000.

[autolenaphilia]

A review of the Nostalgia Critic’s review of “The Wall”

A while ago, The Nostalgia Critic released a long video review of The Wall by Pink Floyd, or rather the movie version by Alan Parker. I’m aware this is two months after the review was released to a very negative reception. But I only recently watched it and wow, it is so terrible that I have to write something. This might be the off-the-cuff and rambliest thing I have ever written, but it is so bad that it doesn’t deserve the effort to write something more polished. This ended up long, so the rest is under a cut.

Personal note: I must admit that I love Pink Floyd, even if the Wall isn’t my favourite thing by them. I used to like the Nostalgia Critic too, but that was a decade ago. I have outgrown him, my standards for both comedy and film criticism are a lot higher than my teenage self. But this is probably why I watched this terrible thing, even if he was never as close to my heart as Pink Floyd was and is.

First thing that needs saying is that the Critic and co. sings almost the entire review, but hasn’t included any subtitles. That makes it hard to understand what he sings (his diction is not the best). So, if I misunderstand anything the NC says, it is probably because of that.

Note that Pink Floyd hasn’t got this problem. The LP and CD versions of the album have lyrics sheets and the dvd of the movie has subtitles. Big plus to Pink Floyd and a big minus to the NC right off the bat.

In the beginning, NC actually has a legitimate point: he sings that the movie is “devoid of even the slightest bit of subtlety”. and yeah, you could argue that. The metaphors and imagery are fairly obvious. However, he spends the rest of the review misunderstanding even the basic plot points. Nevermind the subtext, he doesn’t seem to understand the text, as his complaining about WWII stuff proves, but we’ll get to that.

The first major problem is the sequence about schools. NC makes the point that “we don’t need no education” is a grammatically incorrect double negative, which proves that the children singing apparently do need some education. That is a valid interpretation, but it is one that is probably intentional. Pointing out that irony it is not the big gotcha against Pink Floyd the NC seems to think it is.

The big misinterpretation however is when NC tries to parody the story by sarcastically singing “welcome to high school, where all the teachers are monsters”. And this goes on for minutes, with more over-the-top sarcasm about how all teachers are evil, as if this is what “The Wall” is saying.

Problem is that is not what Pink Floyd is arguing. Even the lyrics says that “ “There were certain teachers who would hurt the children”. “Certain”, not all.

And in an interview at the time, Roger Waters said this:  “ I want to make it plain that some of the men who taught (it was a boys school) some of the men who taught there were very nice guys, you know I’m not… it’s not meant to be a blanket condemnation of teachers everywhere, but the *bad* ones can really do people in “.

And I don’t know why The NC brings up high school, when this is a album/movie about the British school system. The NC does this several times, btw. The only connection is his caricature of the album’s fans as angsty (USAian) teenagers.

Worse is how dismissive of other people’s bad experiences with school this whole sequence is. The NC literally sings “LOL, so school sucks, grow a damn pair of balls” This is disgustingly callous. The Wall is about the time when teachers in UK schools could physically hit children. And of course, teachers both then and now can bully children in horrific ways. This is a fact that the NC never even acknowledges.

Anyway, on to Goodbye Blue Sky. The big problem here is that the NC clearly doesn’t understand why the film has so much imagery from WWII.  He seems to think the songwriter Roger Waters is comparing his “high school” (sic) (again, wtf??) problems to the horrors of WWII. He makes many jokes based on this.

But the real reason is because the main character’s father was a soldier that died in the war and the story is about him dealing with the trauma from that. The WWII imagery is not a metaphor, it is literal. The song is about the horrors of the bombings. btw.

The NC doesn’t seem to get any of that, the whole sequence is just him asking “why wwII?”. And in the light of the fact that this is based on Roger Waters life and the death of his father, the NC’s mockery comes across as uninformed and callous.

Also, he calls “Goodbye Blue Sky”, a oscar bait song, which is just bizarre. The song wasn’t even written for a movie, even if the album got adapted into one. Also, it is a far more low-key tune than most songs that go for the Oscar.

The next sequence is about how he finds the next part of the album boring, because there is several “slow, mopey songs” in a row. Ok, valid opinion. If someone just says “I’m bored”, you can’t really argue against that, even if you disagree. His parody of “Comfortably Numb” is a hilarious and unintentional self-own though: The NC: “I have become comfortably dumb”. That perfectly sums up his entire existence.

After that we have a commercial break (literally). After some words from his sponsors, NC points out that they made a full album from this review. He calls it a “love-letter” to Pink Floyd’s music, which is just incredible. What a boldfaced lie. People just watched half the review, they know that is not remotely true.

And now to the most baffling sequence: “In the Flesh”. You know, when the main character holds a fascist rally at a rock concert. NC has turned this into a confusing parody of self-righteous twitter mobs, for some reason? What has this to do with The Wall? The album was made almost 30 years before twitter was even created. And even without the wall connection, the parody is confusing in itself. The NC seems to be in charge, but he is also the guy the mob hates? What?

What the fuck?

Is the connection that twitter mobs supposedly call everyone they don’t like nazis? Like is the NC in moviesque fascist regalia and “person you hate”  literally written on his forehead supposed to sarcastically represent their victims? The NC claims the movie calls Thatcher a fascist. I don’t think the movie actually does that, but is that why The NC connects it to the idea of “sjws calling everyone nazis”? But again, he is also the person in charge of the mob. So is he comparing twitter mobs to nazis? Isn’t that hypocritical? It is just confusing. If what I just wrote didn’t make any sense, then it is because the NC review doesn’t make any sense.

Also, I should note that the Nostalgia Critic and his Channel Awesome website was under a lot of social media fire in 2018, if you didn’t already know that. Many of the people who had worked with that site revealed many instances of mismanagement and even outright abuse. It had his own twitter hashtag “#changethechannel”. All this nonsense is almost certainly the NC trying to respond without mentioning them. It is not convincing, to say the least.

Next he parodies “bring the boys back home” with “Bring the runtime down”. This is not as bizarre as the preceding segment, but still weird. He thinks The Wall is too long? The movie is 95 minutes long, which was about average for a movie back then. It is not that long, especially not nowadays when movies regularly go over two hours. And that criticism is really weird coming from a man who made “To Boldly Flee”, a movie that is a soulcrushing 209 minutes long. 3 and a half hours!

Next is the trial sequence. I could barely even get his point here, it is so muddled. I must give some praise to the animation of the fantasy creatures (made by Fennah, an animator on youtube) here though, they actually look decent. Pity that the rest of the review is so shoddily made and that the sequence makes so little sense. I guess the point is that the movie needed to develop the plot and characters from the album? Ok, that is a valid opinon, but why should they? I think the movie works just fine as a visual companion to the music.

She is kinda cool, but this whole sequence is very much wtf

Let’s end it here. As you might have guess, I didn’t like this video review. There are barely any criticisms made of The Wall worth taking seriously here. Instead, we get long self-indulgent rambling from Doug Walker, loosely inspired by the movie it is ostensibly reviewing. His frequent criticisms of The Wall as a self-indulgent ego trip for Roger Waters are ultimately hypocritical. The whole “In the Flesh” sequence is the nadir of this, a confused response to his own critics shoved clumsily into the review.

I haven’t talked much about how the video presents itself, but it is actually an attempt at a full-on musical parody. It doesn’t work, at all.  It It is incredible how much effort clearly went into this, yet it still looks and sounds awful. The NC has several guest artists on, but their talents are almost all wasted. Corey Taylor, the lead singer of Slipknot is in it, but he doesn’t do much except sit in a chair and look bored. As said, the only one who comes off well is the animator Fennah.

This ended up much longer than I wanted it too, but this video, as terrible as it is, gave me lots of thoughts and I had to write them down.

[fantasticalendeavors-blog]

Venom

Finally got to go see Venom, and I decided to write a little review in an informal way. Spoilers ahead. Seriously thou.

Reasons I like and Dislike the Movie

1. I love Venom

So the voice is awesome, but the character behind the voice is even better. He is basically just a puppy. he is hungry and wants to be fed. He finds a person. he attaches himself to his person. he loves his person. 

I want to make a quick note that Venom is supposed to be this big mean and viscious character. In the movie (2018) he is by no means mean and/or vicious. I know this is going to upset people, because it strays away from the comic, but honestly I like him more for it. Sure he eats people, particularly their heads, but he isn’t maliscious about it. He’s just hungry. So from the very beginning you can root for him! 

I can’t enphasis this enough. You can tell that he cares for Eddy. That he cares for Anne. And that he even likes the earth. He shows honest real emotions, and isn’t caught up in himself. So he’s not a villian, and this isn’t a redemption story, at least not for him.

2. Eddy

I also like Eddie. He is a fun character, and I immediatly liked him. He is honest, and open, and seriously no bullshit. He fucks up when he steals from his fiance, and ultimatly loses everything because of it. But despite this he can still be a good guy. he gives the poor woman $20 for a free newspaper. He is kind to the woman at the convience store, even when she says that he “looks like shit.” He doesn’t get aggressive, or mean to the guy next door, even though that guy is a jerk, turns the music up to loud when everyone is trying to sleep, and keeps him up all night. He is honestly a good guy, he has just made a couple mistakes that he has to suffer for. And he actually suffers. (seriously they spent too much of the movie dewelling on how different his life was after he went from all to not)

But he tries to be a good person. He isn’t perfect, and he doesn’t pretend that he is. He just tries to be a good person. How relatable is that. I mean, we all want to bite someone’s head off at some point. But he is like, “okay, no! well, maybe sometimes... Just the bad ones.”

3. We Are Venom

Okay, Riot immediatly says “There are more of us. They will follow me whereever I go.” notice the “I”. Venom never does that. Riot is thinking only about himself, but from the very beginning, Venom is like “We” and “Us”.

Whatever type of relationship you want to ship them as, it doesn’t really matter. They can be friends, or more than friend, or brothers, or whatever. But you cannot deny the fact that they have a serious bond, that bond makes them stronger, and that Venom is a wonderful little sweetroll. 

They both are “losers”, but together they are strong. Strong enough to defeat Riot, even if it means letting him trap himself in a rocket, and then blowing up the rocket. But they beat him! it still counts!

Venom even accepts his own death at the end, as he protects and says goodbye to Eddy. “We are Venom” are some real relationship goals. It means, we can do this, if we do this together.  It means “We are a team.”

4. It was hilarious

When I sat in the theater, everyone was breaking out laughing at different parts. And some of it was the most mundane and ridiculous Sh*t. 

I love the scene where Eddie puts his arms up (like he is surrendering) and Venom’s response is “You are making us look bad.” And he has Eddie put his arms down. And the two are fighting between each other, arms up, arms down, arms up, arms down. it’s so simple, but It is just a wonderful scene. (I couldn’t find a decent video to show.) And I want to point out that Riot just took control of his host and had them do what he wanted. But from the very beginning Venom is like “I’m going to do some shit, but you have an opinion in this.” So I’m back to the “We are Venom” thing. 

And then there is this scene! I memorized the entire quote and ran around my house telling everyone about it. This movie knows that it’s dark, but it is having a lot of fun! (take notes DC, Batman can be fun. Or any of your characters!!!! Aquaman is already fun. BUT HE’S THE ONLY ONE!!!!!!!)

5. It asked some big questions

So this movie is hilarious. It’s dark. It’s gritty. It’s enjoyable. And it asks some big questions. Who gets to decide good and evil? How far are we willing to go to save the world? to better ourselves? to better humanity? How far should we go, and how far is too far? a lot of fars in these sentences. What makes a good person? When should you interviene with something that you know is wrong? Who’s lives matter? 

And the movie doesn’t answer these questions. i mean, it kinda answers them, but it really doesn’t. It comes down to us. We need to make these dicisions. We need to try and be good people. We need to try to do what’s right, even if it means losing everything. We need to think about more than just ourselves. We need to try. And remember that our decisions don’t just affect us.

Now things I don’t like about the Movie.... I’m sorry.

1. WHAT THE FRICKING FRACK!

(I’m sorry about the poor quality of the video, it was the best I could find.)

SERIOUSLY WHY DOES VENOM HAVE BOOBS! This scene is a bit cringeworthy, but due to the humorous/gritty style it doesn’t bother me that it’s in there. The thing I have is the horrible BS design of Venom/Anne. Seriously, is this the best we can do. “Let’s give venom breast, that will show his host is a woman!” WTF! So venom goes into a female body, and his form changes to have boobs? Why doesn’t Eddie’s Penis show? WHERE IS THE DONG?

I want to see Venom as the dog. Like does his outsides turn into a wolf? I get it, they are trying to ship the Eddie/Anne, but I’m so annoyed that he turns into this skinny frail looking, Breasted Venom. 

And while this is technically another reason, I’m just going to say it. Why is Anne wearing an school girl skirt at the middle/end of the film? Why? I thought she was a lawyer. What is she playing school girl with the judge so she can win a case? 

2. Plot holes?

i put the question mark in because this is just my opinion, and it isn’t necessary to the film, or necessary to enjoy the film.

Why does Eddie hate Riz Ahmed, and his company? like I know that Ahmed is an extremist who doesn’t actual care about human life, is a bit self absorbed, manipulative, and powerful. But it seems that Eddie hates Riz before he has even met the guy. It feels like there is some personal connection, and we just never find out. Once again, not necessary for the film, but I really want to know. 

Riz Ahmed wanted to cement his name in history. He wanted to be remembered for saving everyone and every thing. he was egotistical, and selfish, and didn’t care about anyone. Then he meets Riot, and Riot is just as bad as he is, but worse! And Ahmed, rather than being like “this bi*ch is about to take my spotlight, and wipe my name, and lexacy off the face of the planet” he’s like “Cool, I get to help!” How does that make sense? What is in it for him? He has to know that Riot plans to kill everyone and destroy the planet, right? 

3. Scene distribution

The beginning of the film was a little slow. The car chase was way too long. The car chase was way too long. THE CAR CHASE WAS WAY TOO LONG!!!! And some of the end felt rushed, probably because they took to much time on the CAR CHASE!

I want to see more of Venom seeing the world. He has one scene where he is like “Wow, your world is actually pretty.” I want more bonding with Eddie. “You changed my mind” (about distroying everything and everyone, so I want to stay here with you.) Seriously, like one scene before Eddie had abandoned Venom, leaving him for dead!!! Then he comes back, saves Eddie! Venom is just a puppy, following his owner around!

Venom kind of went from “I’m hungry” to “I’m going to be a hero,” and I just want to see his views change a bit more visually. Venom had this connection with Eddie, that allowed him to know what Eddie is knows or thinks. This is a very internal process, that is mentioned, but I would kinda like a little more visual bonding. Show it, don’t say it.  And a lot less car chase. Again, not necessary to make the film good, but it would have been appreciated. 

I really enjoyed the Film! I like the characters! I like the story! I like how relatable they are, even if it isn’t relatable, if that make sense. It was funny, and gritty, and it didn’t do the All-to-Popular “Superhero” or “redemed Villian” movie. Yeah, he had super powers, but it felt kind of mundane. This story is about screwing up, but still fighting for what’s right, even after you’ve lost everything. No one is perfect, but you should still try! At the end Eddie says that Venom can only eat the bad people. Who should decide who is good and bad? That’s a question that is not answered in the film. It’s not supposed to. The question is, “Are you trying?” 

It’s a motivational movie! 

Personal Review 4 stars out of 5. Would recommend!

[doomedandstoned]

What Weird Tales We Weave!

During a particularly long and vicious Pacific Northwest winter, I developed a strange affinity for a band called WEIRD TALES. The doom trio of Dima (guitars, vox), Kriss (bass, vox), and Kava (drums) emerged three or four years ago from a part of the world that gets cold, miserable weather ten times as worse as mine. I was never quite sure what to make of the Warsaw band's warped, sloggy sound, made all the more odd with its imposing Gothic vocals and pernicious earworms. All I knew was that Weird Tales had some bad, bad medicine to offer during a time in life when I'd grown pretty jaded and disillusioned. It was, as the well-worn saying goes, just what the doctor ordered.

Before us is the latest and most ambitious effort to date from Weird Tales and I must say it's showing me a brave new side to the band. As 'Hell Services Cost A Lot' (2019) opens, we hear an orchestral crescendo of screeching feedback. Dogs are barking in the background, perhaps to warn lurkers of dangers just beyond the shadows. The band responds with a vicious beating of guitar, bass, and drums. It's an attack we're not used to hearing on doom records and I find it refreshing to break away from the gloom for a chance to vent some good old fashioned aggression. This instrumental preamble eventually gives way to the first words of "Madness" and the record is off to take care of its mischief.

Hell services cost a Lot by Weird Tales

I don’t know just who I am I don’t know who is that man He looks on me from the fucking mirror Stares at me and laughs, waiting for you

Voices in my skull come louder and louder Push me to that edge, there's no return Where I put them bones on bloody altar Drinking wine, dancing, waiting for the end

Hey Get out from my brain I don’t need you there Get out from my brain I don’t need you there, I don’t want you there

Hell services cost a Lot by Weird Tales

"Crawling Pain" is next and I can't get over just how much the band's style has shaken off that hazy, bummed-out strangeness. Seriously, their first two EPs (both dropped in 2017) are like tripping out on cough syrup. I wanted to review them (really I did), but I struggled with what to even say. You don't talk about the Golden Age of Weird Tales; you live it, man. With Hell Services, it's like the boys woke up after an all-night bender, seized by a sudden rush of early morning adrenaline, grabbed the carpe diem of the day and exclaimed, "You lazy, no good son of a bitch, give me my goddamn money!" I swear, I almost thought I was listening to a different band, like there’d been some big personnel change or something, so different was the state of things. Put another way, if Weird Tales and Shiny Void were a dextromethorphan-soaked dream, Hell Services is like a PCP-fueled nightmare.

Hell services cost a Lot by Weird Tales

Here's another thing I didn't expect to hear on a Weird Tales record: the harmonica. I mean it works, but WTF. "LIE" shakes me loose from my comfort zone. I've heard enough doom metal to pretty much know the tricks, the tropes, the whole shebang. I trust Weird Tales have, too, so I'm pretty sure they're pissed off by the whole thing, so they upset the stage coach just enough to keep us guessing (and hanging on for dear life) for the duration of the record. Whether it's for our benefit or theirs, anything's better than boredom, right?

Hell services cost a Lot by Weird Tales

By far, my favorite song of the album is "Nightmare." It is indeed a frightening song (my chest seized up a little when I listened to it in complete darkness -- yes, sometimes I do these crazy things just because). I smirked when I read the lyrics sometime later, realizing the band's sardonic humor has not disappeared.

Nasty hands inside the walls They will get you when you are alone Mom and dad can erase your fear Anyway they will not hear your scream

A heavy blanket covers your eyes Every time you see something wrong The world you made seems so pure Seems so pure that you can’t even breathe

Living the nightmare Live in the nightmare

Hell services cost a Lot by Weird Tales

Maniacal laughter transitions us from the rabid savagery of "Bitchcrusher" into "Warnings" where Weird Tales really get their "Slomatics" on. I do believe this is the loudest and the largest I've heard them. If I heard this echoing out of my window in the dead of night, I would swear that the pit of hell had been open and Satan's demons were being loosed to troll the hell out of mankind.

Hell services cost a Lot by Weird Tales

It’s not until the record’s wild ride comes to a head that we pick up hints of the Weird Tales of old. “Dead Man” is this final number. No wonder. It’s the perfect vehicle to bring a return to sluggish form, though not for long because madness never takes a vacation. Hell Services concludes on a high note with the same bang-up, rip-torn, kick-ass note it started on.

Hell services cost a Lot by Weird Tales

A colleague of mine who deals in more new doom than even I do remarked some weeks back that Hell Services is the best album of the year so far. I'd given it a cursory listen at the time, but hadn't revisited it for months. I swear, my thinking was so cluttered from the traffic jam of new releases from big names and heavy hitters in 2018 that I didn't give as many lesser known bands a fair, focused listen. Good music does not depend on the PR cycle, and thank Christ for that.

All that to say this: the full-length debut from Weird Tales is indeed a good album. No, more than that, it is a great one -- especially when you know how distinguished the Poland scene is with the likes of Dopelord, Major Kong, sunnata, Spaceslug, 71TONMAN, Weedpecker, and BelzebonG. Weird Tales have risen to the occasion with the obstinacy of a punk crew driving a tricked-out Sherman tank.

Hell Services Cost A Lot is an acid-seeped wonder to join the likes of Satori Junk's Golden Dwarf, Three Eyes Left's The Cult of Ashtoreth, Shepherds Crook's Evil Magician, Magmakammer's Mindtripper and other far-out fever dreams.

☠

A Walk on the Weird Side with    Mad Men Dima, Kriss, and Kava

Photographs by Beata Wiśniowska  

Alright, let's do start with a little round of Who's Who?

DIMA:

Okay, there's Kava, our drummer. He had played in Luna Negra, one of the first Polish stoner bands, since 2008. You can find their records on YouTube. A couple tracks still have more viewers than Weird Tales. (laughs)

Next is Kriss, the bassist, who also provides backing vocals. Kriss played in the stoner band Sun Frenzy previously. You should check them out on Bandcamp.

I, of course, am Dima. I’d never played stoner music before -- and thank the gods for that.

How did you guys get together to begin with?

DIMA:

One day, I lost my job for drinking beer on a break and sniffing drugs on my office table -- in official documents they mentioned only liquor. (laughs) So my first thought, besides getting more cheap beers, was to start a doom band. The only right choice, isn't it? The same day, I came to a jam session in order to meet some people to play doom with and in the next couple days met Kava at our first rehearsal. I already had some ideas and riffs, just didn’t have desire to work on it and make structured tracks. I needed like-minded people to share ideas and work on it with others. You know, like in every art. When you're alone, it’s like jerking off. Definitely enjoyable while doing it, but without any sense. With Kava, we smoked couple of bowls while listening Ufomammut and agreed about the direction we should go as a band.

Kriss came later. Actually, he’s our fourth bassist. He is a crazy motherfucker! And he was our biggest fan in a town. (laughs) Visited all our gigs. When his band broke up, we were looking for a new bassist, so offered him a tryout. After a couple of rehearsals, we knew that he was exactly what we were looking for. It’s really easy to play with a guy who likes your music and knows what it's all about. So we found a common language really quick. He's got a really cool groove. Have I mentioned yet that he’s a crazy motherfucker? We rehearsed a couple of old and new songs, then headed right out on tour.

Kriss and Kava, what got the two of you into this kind of music?

KRISS:

It has to be Satan, I guess, but I don't believe in Satan -- and that’s weird.

KAVA:

The Devil, alcohol, drugs, good fun, girls.

Fair enough. What it's like to live and grow up in your neck of the woods?

KRISS:

I grew up like a long time ago and it was nothing like “growing up today.” Back in the day, we had stationary phones and not so much surveillance cameras. So you can guess it was easier to get away with some stupid ideas, as they were executed. I don't envy all that stuff kids have now. They have to cope with a lot more control. And about growing up in Poland as a country? Hmm, I guess it's like growing up every elsewhere. Every country have it pros and cons. The important thing is “who you are, not where you grew up.”

KAVA:

I live in small town near Warsaw. Nothing to do. You need to support yourself or work in fabric -- or you can just drink and smoke. One day, I met some crazy guys and tried to do the band. Of course, it was more alcohol and fun in the beginning.

I'm curious about some of the things that have shaped you both as musicians and humans.

KRISS:

I guess we don't have time for like a biography here, so I'll make it simple. Life and music are all tied up in each other for me, in the little things that drive a person into doing it over and over again. You just try to stay busy with a lot of different things so that you don’t get caught up in boredom. I guess it’s the best way of sizing up both my life and my music.

KAVA:

I pay some heavy shit for the devil and, of course, some old girlfriends, old movies, Black Sabbath albums, and shitty albums, too.

What's the significance of your name, Weird Tales?

DIMA:

Come on, man. That would be too easy! Often people ask us, "Is it from H.P. Lovecraft?" No. Actually, I don’t know where it came from! I always write down some ideas and phrases that I like on a paper. I got a lot of notes strewn all over my apartment. I can’t find anything I need in this chaos, but sometimes find something better than I was looking for. So one of the phrases I happened upon in this mess was "Weird Tales" and it fit the best.

The other most frequent question we get: "Did you take your name from the Electric Wizard song called 'Weird Tales'?" To which I say: I don’t know and fuck you for those stupid questions. It doesn’t matter. I just found it on a little piece of paper in my house and was never interested in where it came from.

We had some songs ready and they were about surreal stuff when you can't distinguish real life from a bad trip. Those songs have an interesting structure, unusual riffs changes. Each one was different and the name Weird Tales was good from every point of view. Lyrically and musically, we like when a song has a plot, and in the future we will continue writing songs that tell strange stories about strange shit happening. Thus, Weird Tales. Ironically, our English is pretty sucky and we can’t even properly pronounce "Weird Tales." (laughs)

Not to ramble, but I'm curious about the difference stylistically between your first two EP's and the LP. The early stuff seems quite blithe and depressive, makes me feel like I do when I have "medicine head." The new stuff is another beast entirely, like someone who has just snapped out of a weeklong bender on rubies.

KRISS:

And that I guess is my fault -- not all, of course, but I like to think that I had some serious influence, especially on this one. Those first two EPs were recorded with another bassist. I was invited to a band just before they planned to record their first album. I've seen these guys perform like a lot times before and I saw something “special” about their music, something -- as I was constantly repeating when I met them after their gigs -- “that no one wants to do in their bands, but so interesting that it’s not supposed to be lost at any point.” So when we finally got together, I tried not to change “their way,” but to “commemorate” it and add as much power and passion into it as only I was able to do. And, of course, Dima is the first one who supposed to answer this question, because he is mostly responsible for those sick-minded sounds. (laughs) Nobody knows what he's got on his mind next, when comes to writing music.

DIMA:

You know, when you write music you don't think much about the kind of style you're going write, except you do not assume from the beginning that you want to write another stoner-doom album about witches. You don't want to be another one to vomit on the music map, just to show that you are represented in a theme. So I just write and play what I want now, which feels like a more natural process. I want to play these kind of sounds now, because it has its place to be here and now in that shape. Of course, it’s coming from life experience, as a way to share your emotions and feelings which have internal roots and act in response to external factors. I'm trying to share that shit in a metaphorical and allegorical way.

Weird Tales (EP) by Weird Tales

I fucking like your interpretation of our EPs and this stylistic difference between them and the LP. You got the point of the message. I like to read the opinions of people who have really found something in our music. Then I compare it to what's been sitting in my head -- stuff I couldn't wrap into words, so I made music to say it. (laughs) It's like reverse feedback to me. I can better understand myself, as a result.

I interpret the changes between our EPs and this album similarly to how you articulated it. It's like you are on acid and have a bad trip. When the bad trip is at its peak, your ego dies and you have this apathetic feeling -- the Weird Tales EP -- and when your bad trip starts to calm down, you have so much energy and feel so good that this shit is over. You understand that this experience will stay with you 'till you die, but for now you have returned to a planet that did you not hope for. So you starting having fun, drinking vodka, and sniffing speed 'till that psychedelic vibe smoothly slides away from you skin and is replaced with a pleasant fire. That is the feeling associated with Hell Services Cost A Lot for me. Sad songs played with a lot of fun.

And your second EP, 'Shiny Void'?

DIMA:

Oh, it’s similar to first one, but this time the bad trip is not coming unexpected. You involve it with full understanding of what will happen now, in order to dive into this madness, hoping to find something there.

Shiny Void (EP) by Weird Tales

What is the background of the new album and how does it fit with your overall evolution as a band?

DIMA:

Nothing special. Some old stories about doing drugs that leaves a trail on your mind, as every honorable man has done a time or two. Also, other mental issues that we probably should tell to psychiatrists, instead of a music journalist.

From musical composition side of things, it was really fun. After we finished our second EP, we already had drafts of a couple songs. The songwriting process was quick as ever. I brought riffs and ideas to a rehearsal and we jammed and quickly agreed with the way a track should go. Even uncommon ideas were quickly accepted by everyone.

We changed bassists while writing this album. Surprisingly, it didn’t slow down the process, because Kriss is a really good fit for Weird Tales. Also we tried to play with a second guitar, because we heard richer arrangements. We even did a tour together with an additional guitarist. But anyway, now we are a trio again. You can hear those second guitar arrangements on Hell Services Cost a Lot -- most of them I now playing alone. It complicates the process a little, but not critically. The most important thing that we three feel great together and have a lot of fun while playing loud and heavy. We share that energy while on stage with audience.

Walk us through each of the songs on the new album and please share anything you can about their meaning.

DIMA:

It’s simple. We've got six tracks about Satan and one about the sea. (laughs) Seriously, though, I’m glad you ask, because it’s a concept album. You absolutely can receive it as you like, it’s cool. But directly or indirectly, the album tells the story of one poor fool. And this guy is a crazy fuck! He definitely needs help, 'cause his mind is drooling without stopping. He has visions and hallucinations, bipolar all the way. And this guy feels that pain all the time. That kills him from deep inside, and the thing is that he doesn’t know is this pain real or not. But it doesn’t matter at all, 'cause he feels it burns him like fire. Of course, this guy has some problems with drugs.

"Nightmare" shows us that his troubles are deeper than it maybe seems. He is still being persecuted by the shit from childhood. He tries to escape from it and makes his own safe reality that certainly will collapse. So that crazy fuck is a poor fool who certainly needs help, though most of his troubles actually come from his own decisions. No...no. Actually, he crossed the line a long time ago. This fuck slays women behind the garbage bins. And in parks, too. Crushes those bitches all the time. Then he fucks their cold bodies -- or not? If you want, he could. So he does all those disgusting kills and slays for the Gods of Death. Making altars from the limbs and trying to find a blessing and freedom from his pain.

The surrealistic pressure in the album grows the most in "Warnings”. He doesn’t understand entirely what is going on. He's tunneled right through to the other side, seeking to fall even further.

On the last track, “Dead Man,” he's killed himself. Only good decisions for such scum like him. He drowned himself in water. And remember that it’s just six tracks about Satan and one about the sea.

No classic Milton or Dante references in your doom, I take it?

DIMA:

There are none. We think film and literature references just suck. And we actually have one track on our 2nd EP that has its lyrics based on a movie, so we suck. (laughs) But again, if seriously, it’s okay if you got some idea from a movie and interpret it in your own way. It’s applicable in art, but it sucks when you straight retell the plot of a movie or book.

Every song on Hell Services Cost a Lot could be taken in a few different ways. Everyone is god. You could receive every track separately or like a part of complex story. There are a couple of true stories about self-issues and shit from real life, mixed up with some fictional stories and told in a way that contain some thoughts, deep or not really. (laughs) We like when there is something more besides straight storytelling -- something that fucking voice in your head tells you to desire.

What's the strangest or darkly funny thing that you've witnessed while gigging?

KRISS:

There are a lot of things that happen at concerts and events. I don't even know where to start, so I’d rather tell you about what are, in my opinion, some of the funniest misconceptions about playing music live. Everybody that I know, who doesn't really have an idea about what it looks like to play concerts or to go touring, thinks it's like something out of a movie. You know, doing cocaine from groupies' asses in a big tour bus, chugging on a bottle of JD or vodka from morning 'till evermore. They don't know that it's like all waiting. You’re on your way to a place and you’re waiting in an overstuffed car. When you finally get there, you’re waiting for the sound engineer, waiting for your time to soundcheck, then waiting for the event to start, waiting for your turn to take the stage, etcetera, etcetera.

Concert Footage by Viktor Chaikovskyi

You can, of course, fill those time gaps with some buzz or other “stuff,” but not too much or it will ruin your show. And when you finish your gig, it's time to pack your stuff back up and more waiting ahead as you get on the road again. Maybe “bigger bands” would have more things to do, but at this point for me it's all waiting. (laughs) And as like-to-be-busy man like me, boring is the most dangerous thing 'cause a lot of stupid ideas come to my mind -- especially under influence.

KAVA:

Our merch table is very funny. You can get some fresh fish or vegetables! We have some new ideas for the shows, but it's secret and too crazy for now. (laughs)

You all seem to have a pretty irreverent attitude and dark sense humor.

KRISS:

Oh shit, you got me! (laughs) But take a look around. If anybody takes this world seriously, I really start to feel pity for him. If he's taking life dead seriously, it begins to even get scary. If you look from a good distance at all the stuff that happens around us, it looks ridiculous and doesn't seem to matter at all. A bunch of pretty primitive creatures jumping around, fighting for better resources to get more mating opportunities.

It's as basic as it's always been, but people seem to turn that basic lifestyle into an “all-meaningful soap opera.” As they try to cover their animal-based foundation, it getting funnier and funnier. It's not like I want to see people walking around like caveman-style dudes, but developing serious issues from “not getting enough attention on internet” or taking a loan to buy the newest version of a mobile phone? Man, that's sick. And I'm I don't even know where to begin with religion: just leave it. At some point in our lives, everybody dies and the point to it is supposed to be hanging the bar higher for those that come after us. With that said, let's not get caught up into it too seriously, I guess.

KAVA:

Yeah, people sometimes don't get it, especially when you talk about somebody's mother-sister wet dreams

Finally, what do you like to do for work and hobbies when you're not involved in Weird Tales?

KRISS:

I do a lot of stuff. I have to be busy all the time. Like all the time, man. Otherwise, I freefall into a black hole of nothingness and self-hatred for wasting “time given me on this earth.” So I draw, paint, cook, do handmade-DIY-style-stuff, and music above all of that. And somewhere on the bottom of the list, there is “work” to pay for all of those hobbies. I would like music to pay my bills eventually, but we're not living in a dream world. (laughs) Maybe someday.

KAVA:

All day I try to figure out rhythms for Dima’s new riffs and cook some fresh meat.

Follow The Band

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[icequeenjules26]

A drop in the ocean

Summary: Dan had been ecstatic when his manager had informed him that strictly come dancing wanted him in the next season, until he found out HE would be there.

Word Count: 12,3k

Tags: Musician!Dan, Actor!Phil, Fluff, Angst, Strictly Come Dancing AU

A/n: Written for the @phandomficfests, crossing off the prompts Dancing with the stars (Writer's choice), 2012, Pen Pals, dog, second chance, birthday, communication, Starbucks sofa, commitment, picnic and #spon! (What a list, lol) As always the biggest ever thank you goes out to my angel @succubusphan for doing everything she could so this would get done on Phannies' day!!!

Read on AO3

August 2018

 @DanIsAGod3918: This is happening oh my god

@PhilLikesMen: finally i waited forever for this

@dannyboiiiiiii: still can’t believe they worked alongside each other without ever meeting? wtf

@bisexualDan: @dannyboiiiiiii ikr but i’m so here for it

@phanwillbeathing: FUCKINGFINALLY they’ll be together and in front of cameras this is a dream come true

 Dan groaned as he scrolled through the comments on his latest instagram post. It was honestly unbelievable. How could he not have known? He couldn’t do this - he couldn’t deal with this. It had been 6 years and Dan was still hung up about it - how was that even possible?

 He didn’t want to be here, honestly, not anymore.

 He had been ecstatic at first, when his manager had informed him that strictly come dancing, UK’s very own dancing with the stars show wanted him in the next season. He was a musician, so he hadn’t even bothered to ask them - musicians at least had the rhythm it took to dance, putting them into an advantage - but they had apparently seen the making of to his newest music video.

 Which wasn’t bad, not particularly, at least - it just showed him attempting to do an easy dance routine his choreographer had designed just for him but failing miserably. He first and foremost was a pianist, with mediocre guitar skills, but even the singing part was pushing it from time to time. Dancing? Like actually, physically moving his long limbs in an attempt to look at least somewhat graceful? The word alone let laughter bubble up his chest.

 But he had tried, for the sake of his team, and if it’s that what got him into this show in the first place then he was glad he did.

Or maybe not so much, anymore.

 Not since… Him.

 He had been invited under a bit of false pretences, Dan decided - they could’ve told him they were planning to get him as well, could they not? - as he stared at the coffee table in front of him, or more specifically, his laptop, displaying an article from some sort of gossip page. Headline:

 The meeting the UK has been waiting for: Howell and Lester both starring in strictly come dancing.

 He groaned again, shutting his laptop with his foot and letting his phone drop from his hand to sling an arm over his eyes instead, sliding down his sofa until his back laid flat on it, his butt hanging from the ledge in an awkward angle, feet propped up on his coffee table. This couldn’t be happening.

 He had been good, so, so good for so long, he had momentarily forgotten what he has even good about. But, as always, life will come and fuck him over when he least expected it. He should be used to it by now.

 He had nearly done it. Nearly forgotten those piercing blue eyes. Nearly forgotten this soothing voice, the blinding smile.

 He had almost gotten over how his stomach would swoop on the sole mention of the name, how his heart would skip a beat before picking up its pace.

 This brought it all back - and not in a good way. He couldn’t do it, it wasn’t fair. It had been years and the multiple edits of them together floating through the infinite space of the internet still made him feel like his heart would get squeezed harshly inside of his chest. He had accepted it by now; he would probably never be over him. He didn’t have the right to be, either, but meeting him now… Like this… It still hurt.

 A lot.

 Like a rusty knife in his chest.

 He had managed to avoid meeting him even while working on the same movie, for fuck’s sake. He had even skipped the premiere and every other event and interview he knew he’d be present at. Now they were being forced together by a bloody dancing show, one he was excited about, sure, but not excited enough for this.

 Never for this.

 The reaction of his fandom didn’t make it any easier. He had seen the theories and shipping all over tumblr and twitter, of course, but it had been sort of inevitable, with all the stuff they had in common and the fact they were both open about their bisexuality. Now, with the movie long over, he had thought it would subside as fast as it had risen.

 It didn’t, though, and Dan had no other choice than to go through with this.

 He groaned again. Sometimes, he hated life.

 :::

 April 2004

 Dan was ecstatic when he first learned of a thing called “Pen Pals”. His Nana had explained it to him and he loved the idea of having someone, somewhere, that he had never met but could share things with nonetheless, loved the idea of writing letters back and forth, of being excited to get home from school to check the mailbox, to see if something would be in there.

 He was only ten, but he knew enough about writing letters to do it properly, he thought. He’d also get the first checked over by his Nana, that was for sure, to make sure he wouldn’t embarrass himself on the first try. He was so excited to get started, but when he took the time to go through the suggestions the teletext had for him he was gutted. Not one of the kids there seemed genuinely interesting, not enough. Some lived so close it wouldn’t be any fun to write letters, and others were just too old.

 Then he got to the last page and a large grin erupted on his face. “Phil Lester, 12, Rawtenstall. I like Sonic and crash bandicoot and i love pokemon! buffy is the best tv show ever created. I’d love to gain a friend from far away!!!” it said, and Dan knew he’d found them. The person he’d write to.

 :::

 September 2018

 So far Dan had done an incredible job at avoiding Phil. His shooting with his tall, but quirky and optimistic dancing teacher and partner Cathy went well and fast enough for him to evade Phil. He was there during the group foto, obviously, but Dan had made a point of wanting to stay on the opposite end and surprisingly, no one had caught up on it or commented on it in any kind of way. After a week of simple dancing lessons they were now about ready to start practicing for their group dance. He was running out of options.

 That was the reason he allowed himself a chill night before the first group practice. A funny netflix show was running on the TV, he had a hot cup of tea on the coffee table and Jennah had her head resting on his thigh - he was relishing in the feeling of it.

 When his phone vibrated from somewhere next to him he grumbled along with his lady. Picking it up with his left hand he brought his right one down to lazily stroke her head. “It’s okay,” he mumbled when she opened her eyes to look up at him, only paying attention to the still offensively vibrating phone when she nuzzled closer and closed her eyes again.

 “Howell,” he answered it grouchily, head sinking against the back of his sofa. “I hope this is important.”

 Apparently, life hated him.

 “Dan? It’s Louise.”

 He suppressed the urge to growl lowly in his chest, almost certain about what was to follow. “Louise,” he huffed out instead, closing his eyes and bringing his right hand up to gently massage his glabella. There was exactly one person who knew of the whole debacle Dan had had with him, and he really didn’t need to hear another lecture about it from her.

 He knew it had been his fault.

 He also knew there was no way of undoing it, even if there was nothing he wanted more than to set things right.

 Yet, she kept pushing.

 “I just got home from vacation and checked instagram.”

 Oh. That’s what this was about. She hadn’t heard it before.

 “Louise-” he started, but got interrupted almost immediately. “No! Do not Louise me, Dan! This is getting ridiculous! Why can’t you just talk to him? If not to make it right, then at least for closure. What do you think will happen, the fucking apocalypse?!” He could tell she was aggravated, gruntled. She had always wanted him to do something, to not just sit around and let it weigh heavily on his heart, and this show obviously only made it worse.

 He couldn’t hold in the growl this time. He was gritting his teeth trying to keep himself from saying something that he’d regret later, but even that was getting harder. Jennah immediately reacted to his distrust, opening her eyes and sitting up next to him before moving closer, nuzzling his shoulder. She knew how well he reacted to cuddles, and she was willing to provide them. He could only move to stroke her back in a silent thank you. “I can’t, Louise. I fucking can’t, okay?”

 He could already hear her, taking a deep breath, setting up for a monologue, but he was having none of it. “No, Louise, no. I can’t hear it anymore. You think I don’t wish for what you want me to do, every day of every fucking week? You think I like this, doing nothing, suffering in silence? Because that’s what I’ve been doing for the past six years. But as long as you haven’t miraculously invented a time machine on your vacation, there’s no way to undo this. Have you?”

 His friend on the other end stayed silent, and he could feel the tears starting to pool into his eyes. “I thought so,” he closed, his voice breaking along the way. He managed to keep it together for as long as it took him to end the call, but then he broke down, sobbing violently. His body started shaking, he didn’t know what to do, how to make it better, so he did what he always did when he needed comfort:  he threw his arms around Jennah and moved to press his face into her neck, hiding from the world.

 :::

 April 2007

 It had been two years since Dan had send his first letter to Rawtenstall near Manchester.

 Him and Phil had become fast friends and the amount of letters they were sending to each other had become ridiculous by now. Dan’s Dad had gotten mad at him for spending that much money on postal charges only a few months after the first letter and basically told him to stop being friends with Phil - or at least tone it down considerably - so they were now using his nana’s letter box so his dad wouldn’t catch him.

 Even his nana had become agitated with it after a while, so they had a deal now. Dan did chores around the house or the garden, like doing the dishes or wiping the floor, and his nana would give him postal stamps as a payment. Other kids wanted to buy candy or save the money to spend it on games, but all he wanted was to write Phil. His nana could probably make him do anything if he’d get those postal stamps in return. To him, they were worth more than diamonds.

 They had exchanged pictures of themselves and their homes, they shared their secrets with each other and knew everything there was to know about the other, and Dan reveled in it. The had even exchanged phone numbers, but they had to pay calls in minutes, so they usually didn’t call each other except for special occasions.

 Today, apparently, was such a “special occasion”.

 When Dan got out of school he didn’t even bother to go home. Instead, he walked directly to his nana, who lived right next to him. That was a normal occurrence by now - he spent most of his time here. His parents were barely home anyways and his nana was watching his little brother after school, so it didn’t even attract his parent’s attention,

 Luckily. His dad would probably not like it. Especially not the reason behind it.

 Because, obviously, Dan didn’t spend all his time at his nana’s just because he loved her so much. He did, but he was still an introvert; he loved having time for himself and not having to talk to other human beings - he did this for Phil.

 Ridiculously much he did seemed to be for Phil nowadays.

 He was waiting for a new letter that should probably arrive today or tomorrow. It usually took four or five days, sometimes six, from sending a letter to receiving one, and he had send one last wednesday. It was monday now.

 When he opened his nana’s door with his key she was already sat in the kitchen, obviously waiting for him. After greeting her he sat down his bag on a kitchen chair before taking a seat himself, snatching an apple from the fruit bowl sat in the middle of the table. “Everything okay, nana?” he asked after taking the first bite. It wasn’t usual she was waiting for him like this, she was usually up and about around the house or reading in the living room when he got home from school.

 A smirk slowly creeped onto her face as she obviously observed him closely. “A very agitated young man called around an hour ago. Said he wanted to talk to you,” she stated and he perked up immediately, eyes flying up to her face. “Phil?” he asked, almost breathlessly, and felt the heat rising through his neck all the way up to his cheeks. He cleared his throat. “I mean - Was it Phil?” He forced his voice to be calm this time, but the grin on his nana’s face had already widened and he knew she had picked up on his behaviour immediately. “It was. I told him you’d be back around now, he should be calling again in a few minutes.” She paused, raising an eyebrow mockingly. “Anything you’d like to tell me, son?”

 He could feel his cheeks heating up even more and almost desperately avoided her eyes.

He was about to start saying something, anything, when a shrill ringing interrupted him. “I’ll go,” he practically squeaked out and jumped up to run to the hallway to get the phone.

 “Phil?”, he answered it breathlessly and was rewarded with a laugh. “Dan! Take a guess who can now phone people as much as he wants without having to pay more?” greeted him an excited voice on the other line and a wide grin stretched his face in seconds. “Hm, I don’t know. Sarah Michelle Gellar?” Again there was laughter on the other side and Dan wished he’d have a way to look at the other boy’s face when he laughed. “It’s me!” was the answer and Dan could feel excitement bubbling up in his chest.

 He looked around the hallway, realizing there was nothing to sit down on while talking on the phone. Maybe they should put a chair in there somewhere. He could see himself needing it a lot in the future.

 :::::

 September 2018

 Dan’s day was not going great so far. He was exhausted, probably dehydrated and he hadn’t eaten in a few hours, but still did not have the time to catch a break. He hadn’t gotten any proper work done for months now - since he had written the music for the movie, actually - and his manager was getting nervous. Not that he could blame her, he’d promised her a line-up for his new album back in July - but that had been before Strictly come dancing had poked its head at him. He couldn’t have let this opportunity go, so he’d had to promise her he’d work while practicing for the show.

 It wasn’t working. The whole idea had been rubbish to begin with, to be honest; he’d known the show needed his whole attention and utter commitment. Stef was just ridiculously persuasive, that was the problem here.

 Still… He couldn't do it. He just couldn’t. He’d just have to talk to Stef, he decided when he let his pen drop and looked up for the first time for hours from his place on the ground in his music room, musical sheets and random pieces of lyrics scattered around him. His head was completely blank, not one idea breaking through properly.

 He wasn’t used to this. Normally he sat a pen to paper and had an almost finished song mere hours later, but now all that came out of his head was crap.

 Or a name, he realized when he got up, looking around him to get a general view of what he’d written. His name was smudged across random pages, written in large, black letters that instantly managed to catch his attention. His breath hitched. How had he not noticed he’d been doing that?

His heart hammered in his chest and tears were starting to pool in his eyes as he looked over the papers scattered across the floor. Without thinking he pulled out his phone, taking a picture and sending it to Louise. He would probably regret that later, but he didn’t even realize what he was doing in his horrified state.

 He left his music room in a hurry, closing the door behind him in panic as if he could contain the ghost of his past relationship in there, trapping it inside. How was this still getting him? How was he still basically unable to function with the thought of it, after more than six years? Why was he still unable to let go?

 Somewhere at the bottom of his heart he knew why. He knew why he couldn’t breathe at the prospect of being in the same room with him for hours - he knew what it meant that his heart was hammering in his chest every time he set foot into the studio they were practicing the group dance in.

 He knew it. Had known it the whole time.

 He was still in love with him. Six years later and the feelings he had been fighting against the whole time were still there, strong as ever.

 He knew it, but - it didn’t change anything. Not really.

 Not when he couldn’t even think his name without breaking down into tears.  

 Phil.

 :::

 April 2008

 It had been four years since Dan had written his first letter to Phil. He was fourteen now, and he spent most of his time on the internet.

 Actually, he spent the most time talking to Phil.

 Through the internet.

 He was lucky his family had still not caught up on it. He was pretty sure his nana was aware he had not just miraculously stopped talking to Phil, even though the hour long conversations in her hallway had lessened immensely; but the rest of them - especially his dad - were still in the dark about it.

 And that was honestly the only thing that was important.

 Today was a slow day so far. It was wednesday, which to him, was amazing, because it was a day he had only a few hours of school while his parents usually stayed out far longer than usual. Why, he had no idea; he just assumed it was the busiest day of their week.

 He had gotten home around an hour ago, had made himself some lunch and settled down in front of his TV to watch some mind-numbing midday show to calm himself down after school.

 Normally, he would already be talking to Phil, who usually had a slow wednesday as well, but for some reason he wasn’t picking up, neither on his skype nor on his cellphone. He wasn’t that worried yet, but he still thought it was odd. It happened from time to time that Phil wouldn’t be there that early on wednesdays, for example when his mum caught him before he could get into his room, forcing him to do stuff for her. Normally he’d at least let him know via text, so Dan was getting a little agitated by now.

 When Phil still hadn’t texted him or picked up his phone three hours after their usual skyping-time he grew increasingly worried. He seriously considered calling Phil’s landline but was a bit scared to only reach Phil’s mum - the woman didn’t seem to like him much, not that he could blame her.

 At the exact moment he was about to call, his laptop started making noises from its place next to him on his bed, indicating an incoming skype call. He accepted the call before even picking it up.

 “Phil!” he called when the video finally loaded, revealing an obviously excited Phil, eyes sparkling and hair pushed up into a messy quiff in contrast to his usual, neatly arranged fringe. “Dan!” He grinned broadly, bouncing up and down, making the video jump along with him in the process. “You won’t believe what happened!”

 Dan was unable to hide the fond smile sneaking its way onto his face. “Robert Downey Jr. joined a cult and you get to replace him in Iron Man 2?”

 He almost choked on his own spit when Phil pouted in response. He could feel warmth wandering up his neck, settling in his cheeks and knew he was probably about as red as a lobster. How could someone be so goddamn cute and handsome at the same time?

 “Sadly, no,” Phil answered before a new grin lit up his face as he clapped his hands excitedly. “But! I did just get a role!” he exclaimed, with a smile so wide Dan was surprised it didn’t split his face in half.

 “What?” he asked, almost dumbfounded, staring at his best friend as if he’d just told him the sky was green. “Are you serious?”

 “Yes! I just got home from casting, that’s why I couldn’t call earlier. I scored a role in the sixth series of Shameless!” Phil answered, excitedly bouncing up and down again, and Dan was left to do nothing but stare. The news hardly even reached his brain with the way Phil looked, excited and glowing and all focused on his screen. Focused on Dan. He secretly pressed the Print Screen key on his laptop, conserving this picture to look at it again and again and again.

 That’s when Phil’s words properly registered in his brain. “Are you serious?”, he croaked, voice raw with the emotions coursing through him. When Phil nodded he started bouncing up and down as well, completely unconsciously, beaming so brightly in the process, the muscles in his cheeks started burning almost immediately.

 “Yes! I get to act! And I’ll earn my own money!” he exclaimed, obviously still not completely able to believe it himself. Dan let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding, eyes wide as he stared into the blue eyes of his best friend - the best friend who made his heart flutter and his breathing hitch. That was normal, right? That’s what best friends were supposed to do to you?

 Deep inside, he knew they were not, but he enjoyed living in denial for just a few days longer.

 “I’m so happy for you, Phil!” he replied, happiness seeping through him from his head all the way down to his toes. “What will you do with the money?” His voice was high pitched and giddy and his best friend chuckled in response.

 “Well, there’s someone I know that’s in desperate need of train tickets for his birthday…”

 Dan’s eyes sparkled so bright for the rest of the day, even his mum caught up on it hours later.

 :::

 September 2018

 As the date for the launch show drew incredibly near so did the point where he’d finally have to talk to Phil. The amount of requests for interviews with them both together were growing ridiculous and the bbc hyped it up as much as possible. He was a professional, and he got the general idea of why the bbc reacted the way they did, but that didn’t mean he liked it.

 Not really. Not at all.

 Still, when the launch show was rolling he managed to not exchange a single word with Phil. Whenever there were cameras he was at least 20 meters away from Phil so they couldn’t force them both in frame with the little time they had backstage.

 He got on stage sometimes in the middle of the show and was interviewed. It was mostly just general questions about his life at the moment, how his new album was coming along and if there was anything planned, but he truthfully answered that right now, he was entirely committed to this show. It meant a lot to him already. He was excited to learn even more about music and to dance, and when he announced that any money he’d make during it would be donated to Young Minds the audience basically flipped. He was amazed at the reaction it caused; he hadn’t expected it.

 The questions got a bit more personal afterwards. They packed it nicely, sure, asking about any Ladies or Gentlemen in his life that could be offended with his dedication to the show, but it was still basically the question of if he was in a relationship or not.

 So he decided to have a bit of fun with that.

  “Well, there’s always Stef, my manager. Oh, and my queen, of course, she’s really not amused I’m spending so much time away from home,” he answered with a chuckle, all teasingly and with a suggestive wink, hinting at something that wasn’t there. He predicted that it would grant him protection from the bbc’s shipping attempts at least for the first few shows; it was also their own fault.

 They didn’t know “my queen” ment a five year old Shakita Inu lady named Jennah after the queen in his favorite video game. Most of his fans would obviously know or at least assume that - she was all over his Instagram after all - but even that could take a while.

 He looked around when he said it, gauging the reaction it caused in the audience. He had expected everything, really, from joy to devastation from his fans, some of who were clearly sat in the audience right now; but what he did not expect… Was Phil.

 He caught sight of his face only briefly, but he could not believe what he found there.

Phil’s face was scrunched up, hurt written all over it, and when their eyes met for just a single blink, the blue was dull and washed down, more grey than colourful. He could have sworn there were tears glistening in the corner of them, threatening to fall any moment.

 But that had to be some kind of coincidence.

 It had to.

 There was no other option.

 After the interview he somehow successfully weaseled himself out of without giving away too much information, he performed his latest single, written for the movie Phil had played the leading role in. He could feel Phil’s eyes on him the whole time he played, the look burning on his skin like melted caramel, sweet and hurtful at the same time. His fingers prickled with the knowledge that those eyes were finally looking at him again, playing a song that was obviously based on their relationship.

 Not that any song that Dan had written had not been somehow based on that.

 For a brief moment, Dan wondered if Phil had realized, if he still cared. Cared that his career was basically solely based on the things Phil had told him when they were younger. Did he even realize how big his impact on Dan’s life had been? Or did he still believe the things Dan had told him six years ago to push him away?

 He didn’t know. He only knew that it hurt.

 A lot.

 When the last, sorrowful notes of the song thrummed through his fingers and his throat as he pressed the keys and sang the words, his mind provided him with the fact that their anniversary was only a few weeks away and he couldn’t stop a single tear from making its way down his cheek. His heart was throbbing forcefully in his chest and his breathing hitched the exact moment the last note had rung out. He just hoped no camera had caught that.

 Knowing his luck, they’d have it on closeup.

 ::::

 October 2009

 Dan didn’t know why, but this time things seemed to be different when he arrived at Manchester Train station. Phil seemed agitated, almost nervous when he greeted him, fiddling with his jacket and adjusting his fringe whenever his hands weren’t otherwise occupied. Dan wasn’t sure what to make of that, but decided to let it slide without much comment. He was sure whatever it was Phil would tell him as soon as he was ready. They knew each other for longer than 5 years at this point, Phil knew he could talk to him about everything.

 Instead of taking the bus back to Rawtenstall Phil lead him on a journey through Manchester. They visited sights Dan had never payed attention to and afterwards they went to get a coffee at Starbucks, sitting together closely in the booth they always occupied when they were there; so closely their whole sides were touching. Dan’s right hand laid on the table as they talked, occasionally sipping on their caramel lattes, and he itched to take Phil’s left one into his, placed just a few centimeters apart. Did Phil realize he had his palm up, basically inviting Dan to take it, or was it just coincidence?

 They continued their journey when they were both done with their coffees, talking and laughing as usual, yet, something seemed different. When they walked, their hands would brush together, and Dan could have sworn Phil’s fingertips were outstretched towards the back of his hand.

 He knew it was probably nothing more than wishful thinking, but a guy could dream, right?

 Phil still was straight up on edge when they arrived at their destination, which Dan quickly identified as the Manchester eye. Why they were there, he had no idea, but he liked it. He had been living close to London his whole life, yet never had had come around to take a ride on the London Eye.

 “Did you do it on purpose?” he asked gently when they got into the cabin, both sat on the same bench, pressed up together. “Do you remember?” The view got better and better the higher they went, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off of Phil, whose blue eyes shone brightly in the light of the setting sun.

 “Of course I remember,” Phil answered softly, eyes completely trained on Dan, “You always wanted to visit the London Eye, so I figured this is the next best thing.”

 Dan couldn’t keep the eye contact any longer, so he turned his head, looking out the other side. He could feel tears rising, that’s how overwhelmed he was with the whole gesture, but he blinked them away. “This is better,” he murmured, voice barely above a whisper.

 Then there was a hand on his cheek, gently taking a hold of his chin, turning him around until his sight was back on Phil. All the previous tension and nervousness seemed to have left his body. His movements now were confident and certain, determination shining in his eyes as they gazed into Dan’s. “Everything's better with you,” Phil whispered and Dan breathing hitched, his whole body shuddering with anticipation.

 When they finally kissed Dan realized it had been inevitable from the start. Phil’s lips felt warm, velvety, right against his own and it was like the world finally set into place. Like everything had been unsure and wavering all his life, turning and spinning around him, leaving Dan unable to ever find his footing, but now it had clicked into place and everything stood still for the first time in his life.

 After the kiss ended Phil didn’t let go of Dan. Instead he sat his hand on his cheek and pressed their foreheads together, his bright, blue eyes gazing into Dan’s as if he was the only one that would ever matter. “I like you, Dan,” he whispered, voice almost inaudible. “I really, really like you.”

 Dan’s heart stopped for a few seconds, his breath caught in his throat and he felt like the world around them had come to a crashing halt, like time had stopped for everyone but them. Was this really happening? Or was it just one of the dreams that would keep him on edge for hours afterwards, knowing it would never come true?

 He had hoped, wished for this for so long; had prayed to a god he didn’t even believe in - yet Phil had never made the first move. They had felt like a real possibility from the first time they met over a year ago on Dan’s 15th birthday, when Phil had stumbled over his words when they had hugged and his cheeks had burned crimson red. Dan would never forget that day; the day he had realized that he wanted them to end up together against all odds.

 Then his neck started burning from the way it was bend and he realized - this was real.

 It was raw, it wasn’t perfect, but it was real, and Dan could feel tears rising into his eyes. “I really, really like you too, Phil,” he answered and then Phil leaned in to kiss him again, a sob of relief breaking from his throat.

 And for that one, single moment Dan felt like they could defeat everything that would ever stand in their way.

 :::::

 October 2018

 Their anniversary had always been particularly hard on Dan. Normally he’d spent the day curled up on his couch with Jennah, eating a ridiculous amount of chocolate and drinking too much alcohol, Louise on the phone or somewhere in his flat, keeping him from doing things he would regret later on - like calling his dad; he’d done that one year, hadn’t ended well. Not really.

 This year, Dan wouldn’t be able to do that. This year, he’d even have to meet Phil at some point of the day for rehearsal, probably for longer than he’d be able to endure.

 Because that’s what he was doing, Dan realized as he checked into his hotel room, enduring Phil’s presence. It was still torture to even be in the same room as him, let alone talk to him. What would happen when Phil finally got tired of ignoring him; when his selferestrain would finally break and he’d unload six years of pent up aggression towards him?

 Dan would crack at the first word, turn around and run, public appearance be damned.

 He was just hoping it wouldn’t happen during a live broadcast.

 This week Dan had decided to screw the hotel’s room policy and bring Jennah with him. He needed her today, more than ever, he wouldn’t survive the day without her - especially not the night, when he’d have gotten back from rehearsal - after seeing Phil. Fortunately, he didn’t even get one single negative comment when he lead the lady dog into the hotel, suitcase in tow. The pretty, courteous dog got nothing but positive comments from the staff, especially when they realized how well-trained she was, following his commands immediately even when he accidentally dropped her leash. She was wary towards strangers, still hadn’t even completely accepted Louise as his friend, but she trusted him with a burning passion that overshadowed everything else.

 They finally made it up to their room and Dan didn’t feel energized enough to do anything else but flop down on the bed. Jennah, who knew she was not allowed to climb onto the bed without an explicit invitation, whined softly at him, and he didn’t have it in him to deny her request. She was incredibly sensitive of his emotions and sensed that he needed comfort, but was unable to provide it due to the distance Dan had put between them.

 He softly patted the space next to him and she jumped up immediately, laying down cuddled into his side, head gently resting on his shoulder. He drapped his arm around her, stroking her soft fur. She continued to make quiet whimper like noises, but they were less needy now, more content.

 The tears started rising without his consent. He didn’t even know what caused them, he just knew that suddenly, they were there, threatening to fall; and then there was a sob escaping his throat, the dam broke and the tears started flowing freely. He couldn’t believe this was happening.

 A few more hours and it had been nine years on the dot. Exactly nine years since Phil had made the first step, kissing him on the Manchester eye.

 Dan wanted nothing more than to kiss him again, like he had been able to until this faithful day six years ago, to kiss him and hug him and love him - but he couldn’t, and it was ripping him apart from the inside out.

 It wasn’t fair. He was aware he hadn’t always been the best person, was aware he’d made mistakes, but didn’t everyone? What was it that entitled him specifically for this sorrow, this heartbreak; a pain you wouldn’t wish upon your worst enemies?

 When it was time to head over to the studio for the final rehearsal he was barely able to let go of Jennah. He knew he couldn’t bring her with him, but that didn’t make it any easier to leave her soft fur and gentle comfort behind.

 He managed to though, eventually, tears dried and the puffiness of his eyes immensely decreased after crying for what felt like hours.

 Maybe it had been hours. Or maybe he’d stopped crying halfway through and had just laid there, cuddling Jennah and staring off into space, into nothingness, into a time where he and Phil had been together and so happy Dan had thought he might just burst any second.

 Before his world had been ripped into shreds.

 Arriving at the studio he discovered that life definitely hated him. He and Phil had never really met on camera and he’d managed to avoid him during the aftershow and even the daily talk show, but now he saw this week’s order of dancHe didn’t have it in him to say much more, his heart was itching to tell the truth and he knew he couldn’t trust himself much longer.ers and he wanted to barf or cry or die on the spot.

 It was just his luck that put him on seventh spot with Phil in eighth - the exact time they had kissed, half past seven - which meant that despite his best efforts he would definitely meet Phil today.

 Out of all the shows, why did it have to be today? Wasn’t it enough he was already laying on the ground, broken beyond repair? No, life had to send someone after him to squash him, again and again and again until he would be unable to ever get up again.

 While waiting for their turn Cathy, his dance partner, managed to keep his mind off of things. They talked and laughed and when she asked him about how his queen was doing he gladly took out his phone, showing her a few of the array of pictures he had taken on their walk last night. Her eyes started sparkling immediately. “She’s so beautiful. And she’s completely fixed on you, Dan, like you’re her everything, it’s so cute,” she gushed and Dan blushed.

 Something crashed then and he looked up, only barely catching sight of a distraught looking Phil scurrying away in a hurry.

 Surprisingly, his rehearsal went okay. He was a bit more nervous and jumpier than usual, but he was a professional, so he was able to act it off quite successfully.

 When he was done with it, though, and turned to get backstage, that’s when it all went to hell.

 Cathy had gone on ahead without him, claiming to desperately need water, so there was no one else around when he met Phil on the way. He was trying to get past him as fast as possible, but due to the passage backstage being so small there he had to brush Phil - that’s when he felt long, slender fingers reaching for him, closing around his wrist. For a moment, their eyes met and the blue was so vengeful, so cold Dan was left standing in a snowstorm.

 He stopped dead in his track, eyes wide open, staring ahead, trying to not look at Phil, to not give him any more openings.

 Because this was it, Dan thought; this was the moment his carefully mended heart would get smashed into pieces all over again.

 Phil moved his face next to Dan, so close he could feel Phil’s breath on his skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake. “I hope she’s good enough for you,” he hissed into Dan’s ear, voice so cold it froze the remaining pieces of Dan’s heart. They clinked a melody as they burst, a melody sounding dangerously like the song Dan had written for the movie, the song Dan had written solely for the purpose of reaching Phil.

 He didn’t even know how he got away. Maybe he hadn’t, maybe Phil had just moved past him and let him stand there, desperately clinging to the remaining shards of his heart. They seared him as he tried to hold on to them, but he didn’t even feel it anymore. The pain was gone, all that was left was a numbness that could’ve, should’ve scared him.

 The next thing he knew he was sitting on a sofa in one of the resting rooms backstage, a bottle of water in his hands. He could hear people walking by in the hallway, but he was completely alone, which he was more than glad for. Streaks of tears were running down his cheeks as he sobbed quietly, and all he wanted to do was to get to Jennah, to press his face into her soft fur and accepting the knowledge that yes, he would never be okay again, but it didn’t matter as long is this amazing creature loved him.

 The opening of a door tore him out of his thoughts and he stood up reflexively. He had hoped that maybe, it was Cathy checking in on him or one of the crew members informing him that he could go back to the hotel now, but no.

 No. It was Phil.

 Of course it was.

 He looked horrible. His form was hunched over, as if he barely had the strength to hold himself up anymore and his eyes were red and swollen with tears running down his cheeks.

 Dan took an unconscious step forwards, moving to comfort Phil, until he realized that he had lost all privilege to do so years ago.

 How was he still not used to that, he wondered briefly when Phil finally raised his head and their eyes met.

 “You know,” he started, voice hoarse and barely above a whisper, “I want to forgive you. I want to forgive you so that -” His voice broke and he took a deep breath - or maybe it was a sob. Dan couldn’t be sure.  “So that I can stop.” He got louder, more confident and Dan wanted to say something, anything, but he was frozen, unable to move or even breathe.

 “Stop thinking of what you did to me… Stop thinking of you,” he continued and fresh tears sprang into Dan’s eyes, a pain in his chest, so soaring he was sure it would consume him any moment.

 “Forgive you, so that I never have to think of you ever again… Because I refuse to.” Phil’s voice broke again as a sob rattled him, new tears spilling from his eyes and he looked so broken Dan’s heart was pierced by a million spears all at once.

 Just for a second it was quiet, complete silence engulfing them aside from the distinct chatter coming from somewhere down the hallway. Not that Dan even registered it as they continued to stare into each others eyes, a pain soaring through his body like howling flames, burning their way through his veins, leaving behind nothing but destruction.

“But I can’t.” Phil sobbed again and finally looked away, down to the ground before he lifted his gaze again, staring dead into Dan’s eyes. “I want to, so, so desperately, but I can’t.”

 He didn’t even wait for Dan to react, not for the hurried “Phil, wait!” Dan finally managed to throw after him, only released from the spell that had kept him rooted to the spot when they broke eye contact, nor for the sob that fought its way up his throat. He just turned around and left Dan to break down on his own.

 :::

 June 2012

 Dan’s nineteenth birthday was the most beautiful one he’d ever had.

 Firstly, he was in a generally good place in life. He had finally started pursuing music as a real career option after Phil had practically begged him to for years and had gotten his first contract a few weeks ago. His parents were surprisingly okay with it - or at least his mum was - and his nana was the most encouraging he’d ever seen her.

 Secondly, Phil was the most amazing boyfriend he ever could’ve asked for. He was supporting Dan’s every decision, he was thoughtful and attentive and, quite frankly, hot as fuck. He always took Dan’s opinions into account when he made decisions and was considerate of whatever problems Dan had - which were, mostly, about the fact that Dan’s parents still didn’t know of either the fact that he was still in contact with Phil, nor about Dan’s sexuality - let alone his relationship to Phil. It didn’t make things easy, but now that Phil earned a lot of money he sponsored Dan a train ticket every other weekend - at least when he wasn’t away for whatever acting role he was doing at the time. It was a system that worked for them, and Dan didn’t care about anything else.

 And thirdly, his amazing boyfriend had managed to get some time off from filming so they could spend a few precious days together over his birthday.

 Spending time together got increasingly difficult with Phil’s rising popularity, but they spent a week all alone in the cottage that Phil’s parents owned, a cottage on top of a cliff on the isle of man. They went on a picnic on the beach almost every day, and it was during one of those on monday, his actual birthday, when Phil gifted him with a key to his new flat in London and a speech soaked with the love he felt for him.

 Dan had never felt more like flying than he did in this moment.

 Unfortunately, that only made his fall even harder.

 When he got home on thursday the atmosphere at home seemed weird from the very first moment he stepped through the door. He was well rested and had been in a bliss-like state the whole week, but now he got anxious when he climbed the stairs to his bedroom, suitcase in tow.

 His suspicions got verified when he pushed the doors to his bedroom open and revealed his little brother, hunched over on the edge of his bed, clutching a pillow to his belly and sobbing loudly.

 Dan closed the door behind him and hurdled over to his little brother. “Adrian!” he murmured apprehensively, moving to sling an arm around the boy’s shoulders. “My god, what’s wrong?”

 “I-i’m s-so sorry, D-Dan,” he squeezed out in between sobs. Dan tried to comfort him, gently murmuring encouraging nonsense, until Adrian had calmed down a bit, at least enough to form semi-coherent sentences. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, I swear, I was just looking at the pictures and dad came in and-”

 Dan’s blood froze in his veins, his heart stopped and the hand on his brother’s arm clenched involuntarily. “What did he see,” he clenched out between gritted teeth, missing the questioning tone but Adrian answered him anyway. “One of the picture of you and Phil kissing. I’m so sorry.”

 Dan didn’t even hear him anymore. He felt like the world had been pulled out from under his feet and he was falling, tumbling down an endless cliff he had no idea how to get out of.

 His dad choose this exact moment to storm into the room, looking about ready to murder his innocent child. “We need to talk, Dan,” he said in a monotone voice, but his eyes were so aggressive Dan wanted nothing else but to curl up into a ball and hide. It’s fine, he wanted to make himself believe, you can just go and live with Phil if he throws you out.

 But it went worse than he had feared.

 It turned out his father didn’t want him out of the house, now that he was on his way to success in the music industry, and he had his way of forcing him to stay. Instead of screaming at him, threatening him to throw him out, he blackmailed Dan.

 He still screamed, a lot, about what a disgrace he was and why, out of all the males in this country, it had to be this one. Dan strongly assumed it wouldn’t have made any difference if it would’ve been Prince Harry or whatever other male member of the royal family, but he kept his mouth shut.

 He briefly toyed with the idea to jump in to defend Phil, to tell his father that he was a successful actor and an amazing person, but he didn’t give him the chance to say anything.

 “I want him out of your life. You are going to cut every and all ties to that filth and will not contact him again in any kind of way. That clear?” His father’s voice had gone from screaming to hissing and the volume had gone down considerably, but his eyes stayed the same, fixing Dan in a gaze harder than steel. He took a deep breath. That was it. That was him standing up to his father for the first time in his life.

 “Why?” he asked, eyes set dead on him, “Why would I do that? I love him, Dad. I’ll stay with him, no matter what you say. I don’t care what you’ll do to me.” He was proud his voice didn’t break or falter in the slightest, and for a moment he thought that he’d done it, that he’d won.

 Then a smirk creeped onto his father’s face and he knew something was about to go terribly wrong.

 “You might not care about yourself”, his father said, voice cheerful like he knew he was about to ruin Dan’s life, and he liked it. “But don’t you care about your boyfriend?” Dan hadn’t been aware that the term boyfriend could sound like a slur, but suddenly it did. “I have acquired some pictures the public might find incredibly interesting…”

 Dan hadn’t noticed it before, but his father had Dan’s old laptop open on the table in front of him; the very laptop he had given his little brother because he had gotten himself a new one from his first self-earned money.

 Dan already knew what he would see there when his father turned it around. He had transferred, but forgotten to delete all the pictures he had saved on there, including a variety of ones of Phil and him, cuddling, kissing - happy. Maybe he hadn’t even particularly cared to delete them, considering Adrian was aware of Dan’s relationship, had been for a long time. He had been happy for him and the warmth Dan had always felt at the prospect had frozen to solid ice now.

 Tears started prickling in his eyes and it took all his willpower to suppress the sob that was threatening to rip from his throat. He knew what his father was suggesting. He was obviously waiting for Dan to make a choice - but they both knew there was no choice to make.

 The crushing realization that he would give into his father’s blackmail made his heart shatter into a million pieces, but there was nothing he could do about it. The public had become much more open about those topics, but they both knew a sexuality scandal would be enough to destroy Phil’s entire career.

 They also both knew Dan couldn’t do that to Phil - not even risk it. His father had his resources, and when he wanted to know of every interaction between Dan and Phil, then he would.

 So Dan had to end it. For good.

 He was given the chance of one last skype call to break up with Phil. He knew he wasn’t the best actor and that Phil would be able to tell he’d been crying and how incredibly crushed he was, so he had to make sure that Phil wouldn’t realize, make him preoccupied with himself.

 He had to play into Phil’s insecurities. He hated himself for it, but it needed to be done; even if it tore him apart in the process.

 Phil greeted him in his usual, cheerful voice when the call connected and Dan could already feel the tears starting to rise, a sob threatening to escape his throat. There was a weight on his chest, so heavy he didn’t know how he was able to stay in an upright position. He carefully plastered an indifferent mask onto his face while his mind went back in time to keep the tears at bay; back to his birthday, back when he’d been so happy he hadn’t even known what to do with all the happiness.

 He cut right to the case, unable to put off the evil any longer.

 “Phil.. I can’t do this any longer. I have tried, but… I can’t. You’re just…” His throat constricted and he almost had to gag. He had never said words more untrue in his entire life. “You’re not good enough for me.”

 He couldn’t look Phil in the eyes as he said it. He didn’t want to see the pain, the sorrow; didn’t want to hear the sobs and the pleeds. He wanted away. Far, far away; to a place where he and Phil could be happy… Could be together.

 He felt like a monster.

 Would feel like one for a long time.

  “But I love you!” Phil pleaded. Dan’s heart constricted in his chest. His palms were probably ripped open with the force he pressed his nails into them, trying to keep himself from breaking.

 He didn’t have it in him to say much more, his heart was itching to tell the truth and he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep his facade much longer. He couldn’t help but let a tiny, incredibly quiet “I’m sorry, I love you” slip out, but it was drowned out by Phil’s cries.

 Louder, he said “We’re done. Don’t contact me ever again,” ended the call and forced himself to block Phil on any and all social media.

 Only then did he allow himself to break down.

 He knocked the glass from his bedside table as he started wailing, crumbling apart; and he watched it fall to the ground and shatter into a million pieces…

 Just like his heart.

 ::::

 October 2018

 Dan didn’t know how he made it back to his hotel room. He only knew Jennah was already waiting for him by the door as he stumbled inside, whining when she saw his state. She was by his side immediately, whimpering as she pressed her head to his thigh.

 He didn’t even make it to the bed. Instead, he sunk to the ground right there, back pressed against the door. Jennah didn’t waste any time to cuddle into his side nuzzling his shoulder. He raised his hand to stroke her ears and she rewarded him with a soft whimper, nearly drowning the sound of his sobs.

 He couldn't do this any longer. He had endured the pain for six years but now It felt like he had reached his breaking point. he couldn't do it one single second longer. He was at his breaking point.

 He skurried a bit to fumble out the phone hidden in the front pocket of his black skinny jeans. Jennah continued to provide comfort, and he appreciated it more than anything else, but he needed more. He needed his best friend.

 He had to discover that the reception in the hotel was more than bad, though, so he had no other choice but to drag himself across the room to the balcony. He slumped down again when he was outside, sliding down with his back pressed against the glass. It was the middle of October and only around six pm, but it was almost completely dark outside already. He could see the stars from where he sat and briefly wished he would be up there, somewhere far, far away, where the way his heart had been crushed meant nothing anymore.

 He was aware there was no such place, no matter how far away. But for a moment, he let himself dream.

 Until Jennah’s wet snout nuzzled into his hands.

She was back at his side again, a chocolate bar held carefully in her snout, and he wanted to cry again, out of love for this wonderful creature. “Thank you. I love you so much,” he whispered and ruffled the fur between her ears affectionately, taking the chocolate and ripping the wrapping open to take a bite. It was a bit inconvenient with one hand, considering he still held his phone in the other, but -

 Wait. Phone, balcony…

 Right. Louise.

 He dialed her number as he swallowed the first bite of chocolate.

 She picked up on the first ring. “Dan. How are you doing?” she asked, gently and caring, and suddenly there was warmth spreading through his chest. “I’m okay,” he tried, but his voice was croaky and hollow and he didn’t even believe himself.

 “Oh, honey. What happened?” Of course she wasn’t fooled. He shouldn’t even have tried.

 “I.. He… He talked to me.” He cuddled into Jennah for the extra comfort as he talked, who sat pressed into his side, a bastion of calm in the middle of the storm that was his pain.

 That’s how he told Louise everything that had happened. How they had passed each other in the entry to the stage. How Phil had come back to talk to him, what he had said, how broken he had looked. He started crying somewhere halfway through the story and there was some kind of rustling on the balcony beside his, indicating there was someone there, but he didn’t care.

 “Oh, Dan,” she whispered when he was done, and he could almost feel her embrace. He was so accustomed to her present, especially on this particular day, and it was strange to not have her there with him. He sobbed again. “It’s just,” he croaked, new tears spilling from his eyes, “In the end he’s right. It’s my fault. What happened is my fault and I just -” He halted, unsure of how to continue. “How could I do this to him?”

  “It’s not your fault, Dan,” Louise remarked, voice still soft, obviously scared to make his breakdown even worse by unsettling him.

 In the end, maybe it was that what unsettled him the most. The carefulness, the way she treated him like he was a small child or a wild animal, like he could get spooked and run away every second. “But it was!” he cried, louder now, and Jennah next to him howled lowly. “There has to be something I could have done differently! I could’ve tried fighting my dad, or try to make him see reason! Or at least something to make Phil understand I did it just to save him and his career!”

 It was silent for a while before he continued, and he knew she kept quiet just to let him get it out. “I was just so scared. I loved… Love him so much, Louise. Everything I did was just for him.” There was a broken sob from somewhere to his right and he froze immediately. For a second he thought it had been him, choking out a sob unintentionally, but Jennah’s head was turned over to the right too, staring intensely into the darkness. Again, there was rustling on the balcony there, a sound like a door sliding closed. His lady dog growled lowly for a second, but then complete silent engulfed them both, aside from the voice of Louise in his ear, murmuring soothing words.

 He was starting to think he’d imagined it all when there was a harsh knock on his door. He sat there, frozen, head turned to look through the glass pane, across his room to where the sound came from. He sat completely still, a hand laid on top of Jennah’s head tentatively to keep her quiet. A few seconds the knock came back, louder this time, more insistent. “Dan, open the door!” a voice shouted from the outside and his breathing itched. That had almost sounded like…

 “Phil?!” he questioned quietly, talking to himself, which made Louise quiet down on the other end of his still going phone call. “Louise I think… I think Phil is at my door,” he whispered into the device, unsure of how to proceed. “What are you doing still on the phone then?! Go talk to him!” she insisted in a high-pitched voice and had hung up on him before he could even react.

 “Dan! I know you’re there! Open the goddamn door!” the voice shouted again and there was more knocking. For a second he looked between his phone and the door, unsure of what to do, but then he got up and made his way inside of the room. Jennah followed him cautiously, but he stopped by the bed. “Can you stay here for me, love?” he asked her, pointing to the ground she stood on, and she sat down reluctantly, throwing him a look that was clearly not amused and slightly worried. “I’ll be fine,” he whispered and moved forward. He turned on the soft light on the headboard of the bed through the switch by the door before he opened.

 In front of it stood Phil, hair ruffled, cheeks reddened, if from the shouting or the obvious tears, Dan couldn’t be sure. He marched into the room, brushing past Dan as if he hadn’t even seen him, but stopped dead in his tracks when he spotted the dog still patiently sitting next to the bed.

 It was silent for a while after Dan had shut the door. Phil stared at his dog as she stared right back, silently estimating each other, and Dan stood slightly to the side, gaze switching between them like he was watching a tennis match.

 “Come here, girl. It’s okay,” he said after a while in the direction of his dog, who stood up silently and made her way over to them. She let Dan stroke her fur before she bravely marched forward, right up to Phil. Dan held his breath as he watched her generously accepting Phil’s outstretched hand, letting him pet her.

 “Phil, meet Jennah,” he introduced them, and Phil, who had crouched down to be on eyelevel with his dog, stopped dead in his track, head wiping up to meet Dan’s gaze for the first time since he marched through the door. His eyes were blue, so blue in the soft light and Dan’s heart constricted in his chest. He felt like drowning.

 “Jennah?” Phil whispered questioningly, eyes wide, still stroking the dog’s fur, “as in… Queen Jennah?”

 He whipped his head around, looking between Dan and his dog as he obviously made the connection. “She’s not a girl,” he stated, louder this time, “When you said your Queen you… You meant your dog?”

 Dan just nodded. He didn’t trust his voice in this moment. The weight of the situation came crashing down on him, and he felt himself swaying a bit. He moved over to the couch in the corner of the room, sinking down on it, closely followed by Phil and Jennah.

 “I thought…” Phil murmured to himself as he sat down quite close to Dan, not quite touching, but it was a close call. “You thought I was talking about my girlfriend,” Dan stated in a matter-of-fact tone as he pulled his legs up to his body, leaning against the backrest of the couch. Jennah sat right in front of it, her head cramped on the couch in the small space between his and Phil’s leg.

 “Yes,” Phil answered breathlessly, absently stroking Jennah’s fur, staring at her like he couldn’t quite believe she was real. “She likes you,” Dan declared fondly, full of affection, “She doesn’t even let Louise that close. And she usually sits her when I’m gone.”

 “Is that who you were talking to?” Phil asked softly, turning his head over to Dan now, who tensed up immediately at the question. This was it, then. They would talk about this, right now.

 His heart was beating wildly in his chest and a light feeling bubbled up in the pit of his stomach, a feeling he couldn’t quite place… Not until he recognized it as something that he had deemed impossible for a long time now. Was that... Hope?

 “Yeah,” he answered, and his voice was deep and husky and nearly broke halfway through this one single word. He was so nervous he couldn’t even hope to control his breathing and had to wrap his arms around his legs to keep his hands from shaking.

 “How much did you hear?” he whispered, stoically staring ahead, avoiding Phil’s eyes. “Pretty much everything, I think,” Phil answered and Dan’s heart almost leaped out of his chest. Oh god, what was he supposed to do?

 He started chewing on his lower lip as he took a deep, but quivering breath. “What happened back then, Dan?” Phil asked softly, body completely shifted into Dan’s direction now, one leg folded under the other to allow him to sit sideways. He was still stroking Jennah’s fur absently with one hand and the lady dog savoured it with closed eyes. Traitor.

 For a second, Dan didn’t know how to breathe. He shot a quick glance over to Phil, to his eyes, and he wasn’t sure if the look in them made it easier or harder to say what he had to say. There was something in there… Something speaking of feelings Dan had contemplated as long-lost. He shuddered.

 “I was… So happy with you that week, Phil,” Dan whispered, tears nearly choking him as they silently started rising into his eyes again. Where he even took them from anymore, he couldn’t be sure. “But when I came home I…” His throat constricted heavily and he had to suppress a retch. “My little brother sat on my bed, crying. Telling me he was sorry and that it was an accident.” His voice was unbelievably quiet now and completely breathless, and he felt Phil leaning in closer to understand what he was saying. “I had given him my old laptop before we went to the isle of man, do you remember?”

 He took the courage to look over to Phil again, who nodded. “You were so proud you made money with your music,” Phil reminisced tentatively, matching his volume to Dan’s, “So you went and bought yourself a new laptop from it.” He chuckled lowly. “You were so excited, said you’d finally be able to see me when we skyped.”

 Dan nodded back and had to close his eyes for a moment to keep the tears at bay. “I had forgotten to delete the old pictures still on there. Or maybe I just didn’t do it, I can’t even remember. Adrian knew and I didn’t-” A choking sound escaped his throat before he was able to continue. “I didn’t think it would matter,” he closed breathlessly, so quiet the blood pounding in his ears drowned out his own voice.

 It was at this moment Phil obviously made the connection. He shot up from his hunched-over sitting and stared at Dan, wide-eyed. “Your father saw the pictures?” he asked and Dan could see the shock in his eyes.

 “He barged in on Adrian as he looked through them,” Dan confirmed, his voice back to a slightly louder volume. He shook his head. “He was so shocked, Phil. Full of guilt.”

 Phil sucked in a sharp breath. “What did your father do?”, he asked, tears clogging up his throat on their way up. Dan could feel his eyes on him as he moved to burrow his face against his knees. “Oh god, Dan, what did he do?” There was a panic in his voice now and Dan failed to keep the next sob from breaking out.

 He raised his head, tears stinging in his eyes as he looked over to Phil. “He blackmailed me, Phil. My own father. He told me... “ His voice broke and Jennah whimpered from her place on the ground, sensing his pain. “He told me he’d out you in public if I wouldn’t cut all ties to you.” He was full-on crying now and before he knew it, Phil was suddenly there, taking him into his arms, gently stroking his back. Jennah nuzzled his thigh and he moved one hand to gently caress her head.

 “I’m so, so sorry Phil,” he squeezed out in between sobs, burying his head in the crock of Phil’s neck. “I was so scared he would destroy your career. He would have found out when I would have tried talking to you in secret and I just... I couldn’t let him do that to you. I loved you so much.”

 For some time he just sat there, crying as Phil held him in his arms, mumbling soothing words and gently rubbing his back.

 It was Phil who eventually broke the silence, long after his cries and broken sobs had rung out. “Out there on the balcony, when you talked to Louise, you said…” He let his voice fade out and Dan could feel him swallowing heavily. “You corrected yourself. You said…”

 Dan knew what he wanted to say. “I said I still love you.”

 He felt Phil nodding, felt his hand tremble as it rubbed circles into his back. He uprighted himself, staring straight into Phil’s blue eyes.

 I was now or never.

 “It’s true, Phil,” he whispered, voice hoarse as he stared. “I love you. I never stopped. It’s been six years and I just...” He let his head hanging down, closing his eyes. “I could never forget you. You were always there. I couldn’t even watch you on TV without breaking into tears because of how much I missed you.”

 Suddenly, there was a hand on his cheek and he opened his eyes, wordlessly staring into Phil’s. The blue was shining brightly and there was a smile on his face, so wide Dan was sure it hurt. “I love you too, Dan,” he said, his voice full of joy and happiness - and love. “I love you too, oh my god, I never stopped. I wanted to, so badly, but I couldn’t.”

 There was a moment of silent communication, of Phil asking for permission and Dan granting it, and then they moved forward in utter synchronicity until their lips met in the middle in a kiss so sweet it would put every candyfloss to shame. Somewhere in the room the needle of the wall clock ticked half past seven.

 When they broke the kiss to come up for air it was quiet for a moment as they looked into each other’s eyes, and then they were crying; crying and laughing and reveling in happiness, Jennah cheerfully barking back at them.

 “Can you��� Will you give us a second chance?” Dan asked when they both had calmed down considerably, holding Phil’s hands in his, thumbs moving over the smooth skin on their backs; still unbelieving of the fact that he was allowed to feel it again.

 There were tears in his eyes as Phil looked at Dan, silently, and then he was laughing as the tears started falling. “Of course. Of course, Dan, of course. I would like nothing more than to be with you again.”

 This time, the kiss was a bit less sweet, a bit more heated, and it lasted a lot longer - at least until Jennah, obviously dissatisfied of being left out, was suddenly there, running her tongue across both of their faces.

 “Jennah!”, they both screeched in unison, laughing at the Shiba and Akita Inu Mix, who had her forelegs on the sofa to reach their faces, her tail energetically wagging around as she whoof-ed at them happily.

 They all slept in Dan’s bed that night, closely cuddled together, Dan with his head on Phil’s chest with Jennah somewhere in between.

 Four weeks later when, in the middle of a show, Dan heard about the fact that both him and Phil had been nominated for the german filmfest Berlinale, indicating that they were strong contestants for the upcoming Oscar-Nominations, he didn’t even hesitate. He ran right on stage after Phil’s dance, catching him in a bone-crushing hug. He told Phil what he had heard, tears of happiness in his eyes. Again, there was some sort of silent communication and then Phil was kissing Dan, right in the middle of the dance floor, in front of millions of viewers.

 They didn’t care they all knew - all that mattered was the happiness radiating between them.

[marquis-teren-kiden]

Top 5 moments that really defined your time as an RPer.

[This is an incredibly long post. So, feel free to read it or not as you wish. Blessedly, there is no ‘NSFW’ alert associated with it. Brutal, visceral, and sometimes anguish or feelz inducing commentary, but nothing you can’t have up at work or around the (Grand)babies. So, have at!]

#1. - Beyond the terrible graphics of the games at the time, my first real experience RPing happened when i was nineteen. A friend of mine from school had invited me on leave with her (Yes, it was that kind of education) to her home to get away from the boredom and strictness of our vocational training. I said yes, and while we were off at her place (which, also, was in the woods in the middle of nowhere, but in a different state) she introduced me to her Aunt, who was an avid DM. The woman had accumulated just… man. Volumes in binders of faces and forms of men and women - models, actors, singers, you name it - which she had rated from 1 to 20 for the purposes of allowing players to choose their character’s ‘comeliness.’She had it all. The picture books. All of the (2E) D&D books and supplements. She asked how long I’d been roleplaying, and I said I hadn’t. So, she broke it all down for me. Let me choose from an extensive collection of dice and line-by-line explained the mechanics of the game for me.My first character? A dual-classed Drow Fighter/Ranger. She made an NPC Human Paladin and the story for the background to explain the two of them being a battle couple was easy for me to come up with. She loved it. I killed myself with my own bow, and my own arrow, my first time using it. (I rolled a 1.) and she used the NPC to heal/resurrect my dumb Elf. Best introduction to RP I could offer to anyone, and it was mine.#2. - A Co-Worker asked me if I’d ever RP’d before, and I told him about #1 on the list, which had been five? Six years before. He said he would love to have me for a ‘beefy’ Campaign he was putting together, and after negotiating on the terms and times, I agreed. The Campaign was ridiculous. (Not in a bad way.) Just uber powerful creatures all over the place. So, he required every player to be half-something from the Monster Manual.I made up a Half-Halfling/Half-Celestial and made him a Bard/Psion. While we were at work, I rolled his stats (which were INSANELY GOOD.) And he sat and watched. (The stats were so good that one of the other Players, sitting next to the DM, accused me of cheating, and the DM laughed and said I watched them roll *my* dice. Those are their scores. I laughed crazy hard.) That Campaign about three years, and was insanely good fun. I eventually retired my Half-Celesital as an Avatar of Fharlanghn, the God of Travelers. (My Muse was a Psionic Nomad.) And the GM still phones occasionally to ask me to RP him as an influence on current or on-going campaigns.

#3. - My (now ex-) Boyfriend found out that I was an avid RPer in Guild Wars, and asked me to come RP with him (I think he was jealous of my Muse’s in-game Husband) in World of Warcraft. We rolled up a pair of Druids. But, within a week, two things unexpectedly happened. He got bored of his level 5 Druid and ditched me to go back to his level 54 Warlock. AND I levelled up without him looking for herbs, and on my first trip to Darkshore (Like, level 11 or 12?) I witnessed a pitched PvP Battle between a level 56 Night Elf Hunter and a skull icon (later learned, level 60 Raider) Tauren Warrior. I was Resto and started healing the Hunter. At the time, I had no clue what ‘flagging’ was, or that my Muse could be harmed by doing it. I just wanted to help the guy who looked to be putting up a hell of a fight given the disparity between them. (I assumed the Tauren was just a very powerful mob.) The Hunter won the fight, and greeted me ICly. Introduced himself. Thanked me profusely, and since I’d cobbled together an identity for my Druid before my BF and I had stopped playing together, I just rolled with it. The Hunter eventually became the Druid’s Lifemate.#4 -  The next two are more personal, and as you know (Nerd) Last year was absolutely devastating for me. I lost twenty-six writing partners during a significant IRL series of hardships involving losing my health, which cost me my job, which led to me losing my home, all while trying to take care of my kids and maintain a Guild with a massive storyline. 

The vast majority of the Co-Writers i had at the time were just relentless about wanting and needing to be ‘important’ to the storyline, rather than working together with everyone to solve the puzzles that were laid out. And, I was DMing two or more events each month from my cellphone out of a motel my family was paying for for several months. During that time, I lost two important friends who were RRP Partners for Teren. One due to refusal to communicate at all why they had suddenly started getting angry every time I mentioned RP (even when it wasn’t for Teren) and another who literally just… disappeared. Not just from me. From everything. All without explanation. Of the twenty-six acquaintences/Co-Writers who dipped on me during that SL, those are the two that still haunt me the most, and they are the primary reasons I keep my Writing Circle so small. 

Has their continuing influence on me been positive? No. I don’t think so. Not in the long run. But, has it been powerful? Has it shaped the future of my writing and my relationships with others in/out of character and IRL? Unequivocally. 

#5 - Mister Rogers (Teren, wtf are you going with this?) Mister Rogers once said that when something bad would happen, he would get scared. An accident. A fire. Something worse on the news. His Mother would tell him to “look for the people trying to help. There are always people trying to help. Look for the Helpers.”

At the bottom of the abyss for me, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically - there were people, IRL, OOC and IC, who were genuinely trying to help me. Even when I told them I just wanted to wrap up all of our mutual storylines and walk away from writing - not just Roleplaying, but writing stories at all - they did everything they could to help me. Help me figure out what their Muses needed. Help me figure out what my Muses needed. Helped me connect with strangers to tie up story elements that had disappeared with the people who were abandoning the large-scale Campaign that had been running off of my phone for months on end. 

There were at first a couple. Then a few. Then a handful. Now, there’s a little under a dozen people who have made writing possible for me again. Who stuck with me through all of the terrible shit that made even logging in to Teren’s old account an exhausting, heartbreaking slog. Who eventually helped me heal myself with self-care strategies I’d never needed before, and to give some solid foundation to Teren’s storyline so that - even if I couldn’t save all of my Muses - I could save this one. 

At the beginning of the year, I kicked off this blog, still unsure if it would last a month, or if I would walk away from it after all. Two months, three months in, I still didn’t know the answer. What I did know, is that I was (albeit slowly) getting the desire to write again. I was (slowly) feeling the urge to create again. And I was striving to interact on a level that would allow me to leave if the old warning signs started cropping up, without devastating my Co-Writer’s storylines. (Which is a lot of why so much of what Teren does happens in Nishan; which is only a small pocket of Azeroth as a whole.)

To wit, the amazing legacy and continuing tales of Teren Kiden and his life after 01/01/2018 aren’t a product of “A” moment. But, of People. People who recognized that I am a person and not a collection of pixels. People who empathized with the catastrophe my life had become and - instead of disappearing - did what they could. No one had to solve my problems. Most didn’t have to do anything but RP. But they all helped me to recover from the single worst year - IC, OOC, and IRL - of my life with patience, poise, respect and - most extraordinarily - with hearts that were strong enough to let me go, even though they desparately wanted me to keep holding on to our friendships, because that was what I needed most at the time.

[To each of them: @daughterofkiden, @summerbloom-fae, @karrista, @olivia-lovecraft, @news-nerd, @huntsman-hawthorne, @maluraunderchild, @renlavaye, @scassira, @waroftwowolves, @stonestridernerd, @phamguero, @oh-yeah-no @kelladen - you are all such beautiful, understanding, and exceptional people, and I quite literally wouldn’t be here, writing, without you. Thank you so much for your extraordinary strength and exceptional qualities of character. You are more deeply cherished and appreciated than you will ever know.]

[celticheartedfangirl]

25 Fucking Stupid Writing Choices OUAT Made

This post is a snarky response to Adam and Eddy’s little humble brag article that came out today:

http://ew.com/tv/2018/05/14/once-upon-time-crazy-storylines/

This is meant to be snarky and critical and if you don’t like that -- don’t read it.  (MY post, not the link above.)  

Look, I am a OUAT fan an there are many things I love about the show.  But there are many I just DON’T LOVE and I think they’re worth discussing.  If you don’t like criticism, you won’t like this post.  That’s fine.  

Thank you for all the suggestions!  I think I got quite a bit crammed in here.  

Under the cut for length and so as not to upset those who only want to ‘think lovely thoughts’ . . . . . 

25. Here’s a magic doohickey thingy we’ve never heard of before but NOW we’re using this thing.

Look, I’m not gonna list all the MacGuffins this show has used, I’d be here all day and there are worse things they’ve done, and this IS a show about magic after all.  

But there’s also such a thing as overkill.  And there was too much MacGuffin use that we didn’t know about before in this show. It was far too convenient and usually used as a cop out in lieu of – you know – actual STORY TELLING. THAT is my MacGuffin issue.  Don’t use it to replace character development.  We’re not here for that.  

24.  The Lost Boys/The Untold Stories and Other Dropped Plots

So the Lost Boys -- Did they get homes? Did they grow up?  I don’t know!  Do you?  Of course not – we’ll never know!

What about all those Untold Stories folks?  Weren’t there a bunch of them?  Are they still meandering around in Storybrooke?

Edited to add:  Maleficent and Lily.  SO SORRY I forgot to initially include you in this one.  My bad.  You are missed, ladies!  

Edited once more to add:  Poor Gideon.  Both parents dead and his extended family doesn’t give a shit about him.  Or at least I assume so because we don’t know where he is.  The child of Beauty and the Beast -- treated like a disposable plot device.  Nice.

OUAT is great with creating and LOUSY with follow through.  I know there are many others.  But there shouldn’t be.  There shouldn’t be that many dropped plots on this show.  If you’re not going to follow through with a story line, why add the characters AT ALL?  Speaking of that . . .

23.  JFC, how many new characters do we NEED on this show???

Especially since you still haven’t figured out what to do with some of the ones that are CONTRACT PLAYERS on your show!  Hey, didn’t Archie and Ruby used to be those?  (Waves hi to Belle!  Also the Charmings post S4.  More on that later.)

22.  You know – Rumple is Henry’s GRANDFATHER

He is!  Really!  

You’d never fucking KNOW IT, would you?  The erasure of any sort of familial relationship with Henry/Rumple was a damned shame.  And much of that, I believe, was because if they acknowledged THAT, they’d have to mention the character they want us to forget.  More on that later.

21.  The Shattered Sight Hype

Remember what a BIG DEAL the whole Shattered Sight thing was gonna be in S4?  OMG people say what they REALLY FEEL about each other!  It’s gonna be EPIC!!!

And then it – wasn’t. We basically got some Snowing/Evil Queen snark, Henry bitching at Hook, and Belle – well, Belle was asleep – what else is new?  

I think of all the things that were PROMOTED as something amazing for this show – this is the one that was a big old dud and a whole lot of NOTHING.

20.  Belle’s mom/Belle is written out of her own storyline in S6

In Family Business we met Belle’s Mom for about two minutes.  Then she was dead.  And Belle didn’t remember what happened.  And then – we never heard about it again.

I don’t know about you, but I wanted to know what happened there.  Why didn’t Belle remember?  Did Moe get a roofie magic thingy from Arthur?  Did Belle’s mom turn into an ogre and she killed her and blocked it out?

SO MANY possibilities there. But hey – it’s just Belle.  Why write a story for HER?  

In the same regard -- whatever your thoughts are on Rumbelle in S6 (MHO – it was garbage and an OOC shit fest, but that’s just me) – what happened with Gideon – Belle’s SON – was because of HER CHOICE.  Choices have consequences.  And in GOOD WRITING – the person that MADE the choice that caused the mess is supposed to be the person to help CLEAN IT UP.

But apparently – it was a better thing for ZELENA of all people to be the one to do that.  And Emma and Hook too.  Because why the hell not, right?  That makes all the sense.  

Yes, Rumple played his part too in the whole Gideon mess.  And he did get to take part in the resolution.  But that was something they should have done TOGETHER (what a concept!), and overall Belle was just – not part of it.  Even in the last two minutes they sidelined her with a sprained ankle.  Absolutely ridiculous.    Which leads me to . . . .

19.  Belle being sidelined since Season Two.

OUAT brought the lovely Emilie de Ravin onto the show as a regular cast member in Season Two, and had no fucking idea what to do with her character.  So she gets fridged.  She gets stuck in the hospital, left behind while the rest go to Neverland, she’s very fond of naps, she’s forgotten about in Camelot, not cared about while in a sleeping curse because the “heroes” care more about “stopping” her “evil” hubby (see #17) and written out of her own damn storyline in 6B (see #20) – and then she’s dead. (More on that later.)

I love Belle.  I love Rumbelle.  And I will forever be resentful that for the bulk of her time on the show, the character of Belle, one of my fictional heroes, was written as nothing but a plot device.  She deserved so much better.  

18.  The Musical Episode

I mean – if this nonsense (and it WAS nonsense) had moved the story forward, I could maybe – MAYBE – let this one slide.  But it didn’t.  It just rehashed the same shit that we had been talking about for 6 seasons.  And then Hook married Emma and her Stepford Wife conversion therapy was complete.  (More on that later.)  This episode WILL NOT HOLD UP in the future.  Future generations will be “WTF-ing” all over the place with this one, mark my words.  

17.  Rumple is a Hero – no he’s a Villain – No wait he’s a hero, nope a villain, make up your DAMN MIND WRITERS!!!!!

I got whiplash trying to follow the trajectory of Rumple’s story, as many times as they changed his characterization.  He’s a villain – then in 3A he’s a hero.  Then he’s the victim of a molester and kidnapper and show doesn’t address that AT ALL. Oops he’s evil again.  Except now he’s not – his heart is PURE!  He pulled Excalibur out of the rock, he’s a HERO! Nah – he’s dark again.  Bad Rumple!  Oooh now he’s REALLY DARK and his fetus with no brain stem hates him and his wife is living on a boat with his sworn ENEMY while pregnant, so he traps here there (!!!!!) and he’s macking on the Evil Queen . . . come ON.  Enough already.

Rumple is a complex character.  You can’t just flip/flop willy nilly with a complex character.  You have to know how to write them as nuanced, and CONSISTENLY complex but never falling fully into one camp or the other of ‘good’ or ‘evil.’

Rumple is played by Robert Carlyle, one of the best actors around.  And the ONLY saving grace from the horrible writing of this character over the years is the fact that Bobby knew how to play him most of the time – even when the writers didn’t know how to WRITE HIM.  Which was almost ALL the time.  

16.  Hook is a Dark One/Resurrecting Dead Hook/Hook the Gary Stu

I toyed with ranking the dark one higher on the list and as its own thing because really, this reveal caused the biggest MID EPISODE ratings drop in the history of the show up to that point.  Nobody liked it.  Nobody wanted it. And it ended up being a setup to the ‘Save Hook’ trajectory because of COURSE of all the characters in the history of the show, HE was the one that deserved saving THE MOST.  But I think all of these things tie together.  

What this moment did was solidify the fact that Hook was officially a “Stu” character.  He definitely had Gary Stu tendencies up to this point, and was basically an irritant to anyone but CS/Hook fans, but from here on?  That’s pretty much all he was and all he’d ever be until he was replaced (or should I say upgraded?) by his doppelganger.  

I combined the DO/Save Hook/Stu thing because it was in the Underworld that Hook’s full Stu-pification took place.  There wasn’t a line of people he had murdered wanting a word with him – as there SHOULD HAVE BEEN.  

And Hook still got to keep all his murder trinkets when he got resurrected and made out with his girlfriend over Robin’s grave.  What a guy.

15.  Regina/The Evil Queen Stay Split

I’m just saying – wouldn’t it have been better character growth for Regina to have to live with her ‘evil’ half than to split it off?  And no, the ‘heart mixing’ thing doesn’t count.  I get that the whole thing was really fan service to the Outlaw Queen fandom.  But that doesn’t make it good writing.  

14.  The Wish Realm

Oh, I could write a whole post about this (and I may do that at some point) but there are so many damn holes in the whole Wish Realm mess I wouldn’t even know where to start.  But so many things about it just DO NOT line up in a sensible way.  And even if you find one that DOES, it’ll create three things that DON’T line up.  

I’d have bought a ‘parallel universe’ over the ‘wish realm’ stuff.  They could have gone with that and it would have made much more sense. But you know – they wanted dead Belle, dead Baelfire, dead Snowing, no Emma and old Hook so – Wish realm it was. I just got to a point where I didn’t care anymore.  But that doesn’t negate the stupid.  

13.  The Timeline

The timeline in OUAT made sense – and then it didn’t.  And then they just stopped trying.  And I stopped caring.  But for paid, professional writers – just not cool.  DO YOUR JOB!!!!!

12.  Will Scarlett

Do I really need to say any more here?  No? Didn’t think so.  Moving on.  

11.  Neal’s Apartment in New York City

Have you ever been to NYC? Places of residence are at a premium there.  There is no way in hell that an abandoned apartment wouldn’t have been emptied and taken over by a new resident in that much time.  And I’m sorry, but odds are Neal did NOT pre-pay his rent for TWO YEARS out.  

10.  Belle and Hook – Best Friends Forever!*

You know – no woman with a brain in her head would befriend a man who straight up tried to murder her FOUR TIMES.  So, either Belle doesn’t have a brain in her head, or that’s some crap writing right there. (My vote is with the latter if you’re wondering.)

It was bad enough when Belle was just handing over the dagger to “Hook” in S4 (yes, I know it was Rumple but details shmetails, Belle didn’t know that), but a PREGNANT BELLE going to live on a boat with Hook to be ‘safe’ – come on. Who does that?  I get that Adam and Eddy wanted to wave the middle finger at the Rumbelle fandom, but they could have found a way to do that without making Belle look STUPID.  

*Honorable mention to Belle/Zelena being friends which was equally as stupid

9.  Zelena is Marian

Come ON – they pulled that one out of their asses halfway through S4 because they wanted to find a way to bring back Bex.  There was NO INDICATION of that until the reveal.  Because it didn’t EXIST until the reveal.  Ridiculous.  

8.  Making the Charmings Supporting Players

Starting with S4, Snow and David basically became secondary characters.  They had MOMENTS, but overall they were on the backburner and if they left the show at any point – would it have made a difference to ANY of the trajectory they were playing out?  I’d say no.  

I mean – how the hell did that happen?  How do you run out of ideas with the couple that you touted as THE ‘main couple’ after only three seasons?  I don’t get it.  

7.  Golden Queen

Just no.  There was never anything romantic between these two characters.  It was stupid and out of character for both of them.  No.  

6.  Queer baiting 101

If you gender-swapped either Emma or Regina – made one of them a man – they’d be banging by S2 and by the end of the series they’d be married with at least two more kids and three break-ups/reunions between them.  (Hey, I watch soaps, I know how this shit works.)

The chemistry between the actors is there.  They share a kid.  But they’re both women.  And you know – family show -- #nohomo and all.   Sure.  

The writers KNEW that Swan Queen was popular.  Now okay – if ABC didn’t want to go there, fine.  I don’t agree with that, but fine.

But don’t keep freaking queer baiting your fans every chance you get!  It never stopped.  In fact, it got progressively WORSE as the show went on!  That’s just bullshit right there.  Either do it or drop it.  Because what OUAT did with Emma and Regina and the baiting of their fans was just flat out shitty.  

And if that weren’t bad enough, we got the whole queer baiting with Mulan/Aurora, and THEN in S5 we’re handed Dorothy/Ruby as a token olive branch to the LGBT community and then – we never see them again!  

Okay, in S7 they got on the right track with Alice and Robin.  I will give them that.  But after six years of baiting, it kind of rang hollow for many, and rightly so.

5.  Hey, Here’s a Person of Color – Let’s Kill Them!

One of the first warnings I give to any new OUAT is ‘don’t get attached to any POC’ and with good reason. They don’t last long on OUAT.

Now I don’t want to assume or accuse any of the OUAT writers of flat out racism but . . .. . you’ve gotta admit – they don’t have the best track record there.  

It’s especially obvious when they bring on a character that is compelling and portrayed by a charismatic actor that the audience enjoys.  Lancelot, Merlin, and Facilier are the three best examples of that. Okay, so Lance was resurrected but – where’d he go?  Is he still trying to undo dead-Arthur’s roofie on Guinevere?  

And then we have an amazing hero and a compelling villain in Merlin and Facilier, respectively.  Both of these characters – and their actors – were bright spots in the show.  So naturally – they needed to die.  Without their storylines resolved.  

But it was just a coincidence that they weren’t white.  Of course it was.  

4.  The Death of Belle

Yeah, yeah, I know, Beauty was a beautifully written episode and Bobby and Emilie loved it and we got some great moments, blah blah blah . . . . . . but was it NECESSARY?  Did they REALLY NEED to kill off Belle?  You’re telling me that there’s absolutely, positively, not one plausible scenario for S7 wherein Belle is in Hyperion Heights and Rumple can find a way to rid himself of the darkness WITH HER THERE???? Really?  They couldn’t write even one lousy full season of Rumbelle (hello BEAUTY AND THE BEAST) happy and in love with struggles but still beating the darkness in the end?  Really??? There weren’t any options for that scenario AT ALL????  Give me a break.  

3.  The Stepford Swan

Over the course of seven years, many of the OUAT characters suffered with out- of-character moments. It’s not uncommon and I would even venture to say that this happens on occasion on MOST television shows.  But on OUAT, it was a common occurrence from Season Four onward.  And NONE of the characters experienced as much of an out of character de-evolution as Emma Swan.

When we first met Emma Swan she was a badass, intelligent, independent woman.  Yes, she had her issues and her inner demons and we saw her work past those as the series progressed.  

And then . . . . she got a boyfriend.  And he became the center of her universe.  And Emma – changed.  The writers (and Jennifer Morrison) will swear up and down that it was an ‘evolution’ but I’m sorry – a character that starts OUT like this:

Does not END UP like this:

That’s not evolution. That’s a shell of a woman dependent on a man for her self-worth.  That’s NOT who Emma Swan is.  This was THE worst character assassination on the show, and I’d say it’d be up (down?) there in the top 10 (er, bottom 10?) of worst character assassinations in all of television. What a shame.  

2.  Rapists – rapists everywhere!

Once Upon a Time has always been marketed as a family show.  For a family show – there’s sure a heck of a lot of rape in it.  

The first CANON rapist we have is Regina and her 28+ year imprisonment and repeated sexual assault of Graham.  Regina came a long way as a character in the show’s 7-year run – but it would have done great service to her if this had been addressed somehow.  Now, I know that Jamie Dornan is all famous and off making money playing Christian Grey but – you know, in this particular case – I’d have been good with either a recast or at the VERY least an apologetic mention.  But we never got that.

And that’s the problem with every rapey issue on this show – it’s never addressed for what it is. In fact – it’s really not addressed at all.  Hook’s rape jokes in S2 are treated like ‘playful banter’ by the writers, cast, and viewers alike.  Zelena’s ‘Hester the Molester’ stuff with Rumple in S3 doesn’t even warrant a discussion. Hook’s rapey innuendo in the CS movie is also waved off.  Then we have Zelena raping Robin in S4, Arthur magic roofie-ing Guinevere and probably raping her in S5 (Is she still roofied?  Who knows!), and Mother Gothel raping Nook in S7.

That’s a hell of a lot of rape for a “family show.”  And aside from the off-handed comment from Robin about lack of consent with Zelena, none of it is addressed for what it is – RAPE.  

1.  The Death of Baelfire/Neal Cassidy

In Season One there were three main story line arcs driving the series:  Regina’s war with Snow White, Emma as The Savior, and Rumpelstiltskin’s quest to reunite with his son, Baelfire.  All three stories intertwined, and it only made sense that the trajectory of the show would be that in the end, all of these characters would somehow come together, as they all were tied to one character:  Henry.

Unfortunately, the writers made the foolish decision in Season Three to execute one of the main (if not THE main) driving forces on the show.  Baelfire/Neal was connected to all of the aforementioned people, and his loss was a blow to everyone.  At least it should have been. But that’s not what we saw.

Not only was Neal/Baelfire killed off – he was flat out ERASED from the show.  His name from the point of his death on was rarely brought up. We didn’t get to see anyone truly mourn or grieve him.  (Okay Rumple, but BARELY – and anyone who has lost a child understands that it’s quite possibly the deepest type of grief imaginable.  I’m told you never get over it.)  As the show moved forward, you could literally spot the times when the writers made deliberate dialogue choices to avoid saying the name Neal/Baelfire in places where it not only made sense, it was WARRANTED.  

Let’s be REAL here – we all know the “reason” Bae/Neal was written off the show.  I don’t care what the writers say.  I’m not an idiot and neither are you.  And I’m sorry, but if the ONLY WAY you can think of to make a “romance” happen on a show is to kill off a character that would be forever “in the way” of said romance – you’re not a skilled enough writer to be writing a television show for a major network.  I mean – it works in spiteful fanfic (which I am more than guilty of writing).  But for a television show?  The viewers deserve better than that.  NEAL/BAELFIRE and every character that ever loved him deserved better than that.  

I know I probably missed a bunch but I really did try to hit the highlights and put them in the order they deserved.

Thoughts?  Comments?  If you think I’m missing a tag for this (I’m doing my best) let me know and I’ll add it.  

[moodymoonymole]

Insatiable: An Essay

I just finished watching Netflix’s Insatiable today, and I have lots of opinions to share with you. Weirdly I didn’t hear anything about this show until after I started watching it, so going in I was unaware of the criticisms. I can’t promise no spoilers, but here’s the shitstorm that is this show:

FATPHOBIC – so the storyline follows Patty, formerly known as Fatty Patty, but she lost 70lbs after getting punched in the face and long story short now she’s beautiful. The show seems to think it’s being super self-aware about beauty standards, and I know it’s satire, but this show if a fucking nightmare. Fatty Patty asks out the Jock Boy (Brick), and he literally laughs in her face. Worse, I remember him saying “Oh my god, just because I was nice to you, you thought...” LIKE WTF?? That’s body positivity? That’s fucking ridiculous, I’m sorry. And it gets worse because the show tries to make you ship Patty and Brick after she’s beautiful and he “realizes his mistakes” or some shit. Yeah, pass. The show employs the tired trope “Ugly girl gets pretty over the summer, gets popular, ditches loser friends for popularity, regrets it all.” Think Mean Girls but takes itself way too seriously. And sprinkle in some body-shaming, cracks at mental illness & eating disorders, and HOMOPHOBIA (WHAAAAA?)

unexpectedly homophobic? – I don’t even know what to say about this, Netflix. I…. what the actual fuck? I know it’s the Bible Belt, and all the hick-accents do the show some good. It’s funny! I live in the South; and don’t get me wrong I know a homophobic character doesn’t make the show homophobic. But it goes so much deeper than that: When everyone suspects Patty of being lesbian, her response is “Omg there’s nothing wrong with that, but I’M NOT GAYYYYY!!” Yknow that typical homophobic shit where people swear they don’t have a problem with gay people until someone thinks they’re gay and then it’s game over because they were *secretly homophobic all along? Fuck that and fuck Netflix for promoting that. What the hell.  Just you wait. It gets worse. Nonnie’s gayness is used as a punchline way too often. It wasn’t funny the first time and it wasn’t funny the tenth time. She has a crush on her BFF Patty, and that’s kinda all her character has for the first two or three episodes. I don’t even know where to begin with Bob & Bob. Like…. Who thought this would be a good idea? The first half of the season is spent taking cracks at the “hilarious” sexual tension between the Bobs. The writers make it seem like they’re just setting up jokes between Bob and Bob’s attraction to one other: out-of-context one-liners and shirtless run-ins. Haha! Aren’t gay people soooooo funny?? Isn’t it hilarious to crack lines at the expense of someone’s sexuality? Wow, love it. Then when their little secret comes out, Bob A.’s wife is validly upset. But she doesn’t seem upset with the fact that her husband is a cheater; she’s upset because he cheated on her with a man. This is some old bullshit like, “I don’t date bisexual men because they like gay sex.” BITCH WHAT?? I’m sorry, but what crack are you smoking. THEN, to misdirect you from all that, they make Bob A.’s father explicitly homophobic. He’s friends with the KKK, etc. etc., and suddenly Bob’s homophobic wife is… no longer? And now she’s fucking two dudes because it’s not gay anymore? What.

Look I don’t make the rules. Some of the show was really funny: i mean it’s fucking ridiculous. Murder, arson, beauty queens – it has the ingredients for a cult classic. It’s very Heathers. But I honestly don’t even know what Netflix was thinking with this show. It’s not quite as bad as 13 Reasons but honestly probably a close contender. Fuck this show and its writers. It’s 2018, I don’t need unapologetic fat and homophobia. 

[seecourtneytravel]

October 5th and 6th, 2018 (Friday and Saturday)

Cebu, New Friends, Excursions

When I went to bed in the hostel, I just laid down and was still in my day clothes. As mentioned before, some idiot from our 8 bed dorm turned off the AC. Maybe it was too cold but I woke up burning up inside early in the morning.

After the AC was turned back on, I kind of layed in bed for a little bit. I looked up the nearest gym available. For some reason it’s so refreshing to me to go to a gym in a different place. I found they had anytime fitness around the corner and I was pretty much jumping for joy inside because I’m a member back home.

I wasn't really interested in having breakfast first so I left with just my phone and headphones. Anytime fitness was literally around the corner in the top floor of a four story plaza.

I walked in and went to the front desk. I said to the woman working, “hi, I’m an anytime fitness member in the states and don’t have my key fob, can you look me up?” She looked pretty resistant off the hop. She immediately said “sorry, we can’t look you up here. But you can pay 500 pesos for a day or 3000 pesos for the month.” I was taken aback. I told her I am already a member and paid that in the states monthly already. I said, “I’ve gone to anytime fitness in other countries and they could look me up. This is the first time I’ve ever had issue because anytime fitness happens anywhere anytime when you’re a member.” She half ass looked me up when the flag on the search box was still showing the Philippines. It said “not found.” She then asked if I had ID. I showed her my license and passport on my phone. She said it wasn’t enough. I told her to get the manager.

The manager came out and had a disappointed look on his face as he introduced himself. I told him the story and he said “Sorry, but if you don’t have a key fob you can’t come in.” I told him I wasn’t expecting to be near an anytime fitness in the Philippines. He then went back to saying that even foreigners always have their key fob when they come and asked me why I didn’t have mine.

The argument had my blood boiling. I then showed them my bank statement that I just had money withdrawn from my bank account October 1st from the company. They said it still wasn’t proof. Then I said what if I had my dad take a picture of it. The manager said he would need to see a live video. I was thinking you gotta be kidding me.

I called my dad on Facebook messenger and it was already 11pm for him. He got up and looked in my room and found my one set of car keys. I had to inform him he had to go on the hunt for my other set that had a purple key fob on it. I felt bad, I made him look in my car, in my bombed messy room, and it took him a while before he stumbled upon them on my dresser.

I showed them the live video of my dad holding up my keys in the camera. Then they said “well what’s the number on the fob.” I asked my dad and he said needed to find a magnifying glass because the numbers were so small. He hunted all around the garage and found it with some digging. I gave them the number and the 1 hour or so ordeal was done. It was principal I went through that because I’m a paying member. They finally let me workout after all that and I killed a great workout. People probably think, “you’re in the Phillipines why are you stressing over the gym.” I’ve kind of lost my gym mojo since being here. It was like I found my home when I saw their was an air conditioned, non polluted, clean gym to go to. And I had a membership!

After the gym I went back to the hostel where they had some cheap food options. After I ordered I saw Anna. Anna was one of the girls from last night that was sitting in a different group. I asked her what her and her friend Carys were doing for excursions. Anna said she would ask Carys and come back in a few minutes while I was eating.

Anna is from Scotland and Carys is from the U.K. and they just arrived to the Philippines. They are also nomads in their 20’s. Anna’s travel stories are incredible, she has has spent five years working in and out of many countries. It makes me feel like my moments of traveling in a country for a month is the equivalence of me going from NY to Canada for a week. She can actually say she had lived in places like New Zealand and Vietnam.

They came back to the table and Carys was extremely hung over after last nights shinanigans. They both arrived earlier in the day and started drinking many hours before I arrived. Anna and I encouraged Carys to maybe put something in her stomach. She ordered an oatmeal and a smoothie but was unable to touch it. She excused herself to go to the bathroom. When she came out she was all smiles and was much perkier. She was able to take in some of her lunch.

We sat at the outdoor picnic tables for what felt like hours of just talking. Once we decided on a tour I told the front desk. I excused myself from the girls so I could walk around the area we were in and maybe find a nail salon.

After walking for a while, I couldn’t find A nail salon anywhere. I did stumble upon a massage spot. For only 250 pasos, I experienced the most painful foot massage of my life.

I got a message from Carys while I was walking back that they were going to go to a cafe bookstore called “books and brews.” I replied yes and was almost back at the hostel. When I got back they were already ready and we headed out.

We made it to the bookstore through a random restaurant alley. It felt like a New York City speakeasy. I ordered the soup and sandwich with a latte. The other girls also ordered a hot latte. It was funny because we all shared that we were normally all or nothing when it came to having drinks. I typically don’t drink alcohol much at all. It doesn’t interest me to have “one or two beers.” I’d rather have coffee or water. Depending on the crowd, my surroundings, the atmosphere, and most importantly, how conversations are going- all depend if I dip into the “I’ll have a blue moon.”

I urged the ladies I had to go back because I had to use the bathroom and the toilets there didn’t have rims. It would be okay if I just had to pee, but I couldn’t squat for like 5 minutes straight for other duties. Filipinos must have quads of steal.

Also, I was supposed to meet Kevin out later. He said there was a table that Blui reserved. We left the restaurant and I started getting ready. Kevin messaged me he was on his way to pick me up. It was the first time I was in a car in the Philippines that wasn’t a taxi!

Kevin picked me up, he was dressed really well. Made me bummed out that I had a pour selection of clothes. I had to be up and ready BY 4am for the excursion the girls and I were taking. Kevin had a 7AM flight to catch to Manila. We figured it would be a short night.

We arrived to the bar Blui and his friends were supposed to be. I guess they were on Filipino time. After a few drinks, I thought I saw a recognizable face. “Is that the mayor from ABCD beach in Guiuan?” He came out of his vehicle with a woman. Kevin had no idea he would be here and we waved him over. It’s crazy that he also came from an entirely different island and to run into the same face. He also flew out of Tacloban to Cebu.

After an appetizer was ordered, Blui and his guests finally arrive after 11pm. We were all pouring sweat in our outside table while the inside was air conditioning. Everyone was content being outside, I kept having to go inside to use the bathroom but really just to catch the cool air.

Time flew, 4 mojios later it was already 230am. Kevin dropped me off at the hostel where my head literally hit the pillow and in an hours time my alarm went off at 330 to get up for the excursion.

4am whale shark tour

I actually didn’t feel as terrible as I thought. Carys and Anna got in the back of our private transport car and I sat front seat. I wanted to sleep the three and a half hours to the whale shark tour. I have a really hard time sleeping in cars naturally but our driver made it so much worse. He constantly started conversation, and as the front seat passanger I wanted to be polite and talk to him a little.

Constantly, the driver would ask..”So Mam, in your country…” over and over again. With different questions from wages to asking me if I could get him a job as a driver. He then asked me if I knew any mechanics to help get him a job. I said flat out, “I really don’t know, literally go there and apply yourself everywhere.” I had to tell him “okay I’m gonna sleep now. My eyes are closing..” he would say “okay mam you sleep now.”

As I tried to sleep I felt like the guy was intentially speeding up to slam on his breaks. By far the worst driver ever. We were all jolted around the car unnecessarily. It was very frustrating. I would doze off and it’s like he was speed, brake, and swerve at the same time causing my head to bounce off the side door. I would look up in a slight panic and it would be a straight road in front of us. I would give him an annoyed WTF look but didn’t have the balls to say anything. If he became a driver in the states he would lose his license first week. Or run a family over.

We arrive to the whale shark tour at about 8am. It was already packed and we had to wait about 45 minutes until our numbers were called. After we waited we all jumped aboard these boats that would take us maybe 30 yards from the shore line. They had 8 whale sharks they were feeding and allowed us to get out and swim with them but not touching them. It was scary and surreal At the same time. There was a time the biggest one was coming straight at me with its mouth opening and closing like some kind of jaws. I saw him through my snorkel and panicked sloth holding on to one of the balancing bamboo beams. The boat men laughed as I screamed. Turns out, I survived. It was cool because Carys had a go pro and caught some great photos.

After the whale sharks we were able to grab lunch. The girls and I sat down and ordered some food. I noticed the driver was sitting afar not eating. When the food came out I went over and invited him to join us. I scraped half of my food onto his plate which was abou 6 shrimp and a ton of seasoned noodles. He began speaking Waray to the server and she brought out pork and rice for him as well alone with an orange soda. I was a bit confused but I guess he could have managed to order his own and I lost half of my meal for nothing. He shared some rice with me.

It came time to pay for the meal. We all dug for our last dollars and worked on configuring how to pay for the drivers additional add on meals. Afterwards he got up and said “ready?” And had no intention of paying. His meal was the most expensive one to pay for so we were all taken back that he added on to the bill. There was also no thank you in return. It was just a bit awkward.

Kawasan Falls

We then headed to the waterfalls which was another 2 hour drive. The spazzing drive was turning our stomachs. As we were just arriving, Anna said “good because I think I was going to be sick.”

We arrived and it was an obvious path the the falls. We were bombarded by locals demanding money and entrance fee in which we forwarded them to our driver. Our excursion was supposed to include our entrence fee and the driver kept asking us to pay. Our driver disappeared for about 15 minutes and then arrived again with another man. The other man was eager to take our photos and was acting as a “tour guide.” The girls and I caught on that he might expect payment at the end. They all voted me to tell him that we didn’t need a tour guide. I went up to the guy and was pretty blunt. “Hey sir. We don’t need a guide we want to be alone- thanks.” He proceeded forward without responding. We didn’t see him for a bit.

We arrived to the huge heavy flowing light blue waterfalls. It was heavily commercialized with a lot of rules and a lot of areas where you had to pay money if you wanted to do anything. You had to rent a life jacket if you wanted to swim close and had to pay 300 pesos if you wanted a table. We did our own thing and refused both. The other guy returned who started to ask if we wanted our photos taken. We blatenly ignored him and took our own photos of eachother. We kept playing around with the “throw your hair back” photos. water was freezing but amazing.

Once we left we had our tour guide take us to the hostel in Oslob where whale sharks were. We tipped the driver 300 pesos for driving us back. The hostel we arrived to was very basic but beautiful. It was called Salangers hostel. It had at least 16 dorm bunk beds in the one room with us being the only people at the moment.

The first thing that caught our eye was this adorable puppy that was half Dalmatian and half lab. It was the first dog I’ve seen that was actually a pet. What is more heartbreaking is that his name was Buddy. I had a delmation and labordoodle and the labordoodle’s name was Buddy.

The hostel owner gave us a ride to downtown Oslob which was tiny and we as dinner at a pizza shop. We don’t even eat much just craved mango juice and a salad then tricycled back.

When we returned, the Canadian from the hostel 7 in Cebu city was there. He was like “hey Courtney!” I said “Sam!” It’s crazy how I kept running into the same people all around. Sam was from Vancouver Canada and was traveling alone while he is out of work. Where he has already gone is where I’m going. We were kind of on the same path but opposite. He was easy going and comfortable to be around.

Sam sat outside and picked up this cute kitten that was meowing around him. I was so surprised he did that but also happily impressed. The animals are so unpredictable here, were finally in a spot where a puppy and kitten are easy to handle and play with like your common domestic animal in the states.

Just as we were about to head to bed a guy from the Congo came in who was also traveling alone. He spoke French but lived in China. Him and Sam planned the whale sharks the next day.

I chose a bottom bunk and put my ear plugs in and eye covering on. The beds were worse than prison beds and it felt like we were upside down.

[throwmethatcello]

My thoughts on Voltron season 7, not that anyone cares.

Look, I’ve always belonged to that part of the fandom that would rather enjoy whatever the creators are trying to bring to the show than getting frustrated for what they don’t bring, because It’s a cartoon and It’s supposed to be fun and entertaining, so I’ve pretty much liked every season to some extent until now. But this season is seriously making it hard for me, I’ll tell you why. 

First of all, the expectation the producers created was just too much, and yes, I’m talking about LGBT+ rep, because at this point is pretty much impossible not to. The producers claimed from the very first beginning there was going to be representation in the show, we all know about the infamous art with Lance and Shiro holding the sign and all that. You can’t just do that kind of statements without expecting a good amount of people to hold you accountable for it sooner or later. Then this year’s comicon came, and the vld panel came in through all smartass and sassy showing us Adam ans Shiro’s previous relationship and being all like “see, we told you guys ;)”, and I have to admit, they got me. I truly thought they were going to take charge on the matter. Only to find out they went and killed Adam on his second appearance. I shit you not, when I saw that little picture of his on the screen going dark I was like ´oh shit guys wtf are you doing, stop´, because THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU DON’T DO. That is an old trick and a mean one. Putting lgbt characters in a story just to kill them off is not new, it’s a pretty old and terrible trope, and a content creator for a show being broadcasted on year 2018 should know better than that. Saying two characters have some kind of relationship and then making at least one of them dissapear so you don’t have to make them interact furtherly is a dick move, and just not the way to do justice to a community. 

Second, Acxa. And don’t get me wrong, I love her. But as many of you are probably also thinking, the path they seem to be taking with her character, and her relationship with Keith, to be more precise, is uncalled for. And please let me make it clear; I’m not saying this as a Klance shipper (I ship a lot of shit, I don’t even care anymore), but as a fiction consumer. If what we all fear is happening actually happens, and Keith ends up paired up with Acxa, It will be nearly impossible for me to enjoy that plotline for the sole reason that it’s forced, and there’s no worse kind of forced relationship than an heterosexual forced relationship. We’ve been putting up with them for decades now, it’s not cute, it’s not interesting. To be fair, this dynamic was probably planned since the begginning, and I don’t think that, at that point, the creators expected Keith to become such an icon for gay representation. Even though one could say he has been written as gay-coded, there’s no way to know if this was actually on purpose. However, even if Keith’s characterization was unintentional, his relationship with Acxa has, at least in my opinion, no appeal whatsoever. It’s lame and boring and uneventful, so I really hope they don’t become endgame. 

Last, and I really don’t want to sound like a crazy Lance stan here, but they really need to step up their game with his character development. So far he’s the only main character for whom we’d only gotten glimpses of his inner and outer struggles. And while that’s what makes him such a relatable and lovable character, these issues need to be adressed properly in order to become interesting. It’s like they keep showing us how insecure and affected and traumatized he is, but they just... let him overcome all of it out of screen. And that’s not fair considering every other paladin has had their time to face their demons (Officially now that Hunk got his little arc). So with so little show left to close all the plots, I can’t help but think his big shot, if ever comes, will be probably rushed and anticlimatic. I really hope I’m wrong, I really hope they surprise me, but considering the treatment they’ve given to the plot so far, I’m very low on expectations.  Overall, I don’t think the season was terrible, It was actually pretty fun and eventful.A lot of shit went down, a lot of new great characters were introduced, and they actually managed to surprise me with a lot of things. I just know better on what to expect from now on. This show won’t give us the kind of experience we were waiting for, and that is on us for having so much (let’s be honest) unreal expectations, but also on the staff for feeding those expectations wrongly. I’m not mad at the creators, I don’t think they’re bad people, or homophobic, or lazy. I just think they are straight, and it shows. They’re a crew of predominantely straight people that tried to enter the territory of revindication, in what I’d rather assume was nothing but good faith, but sadly it’s not enough. And it’s a shame, because I actualy like the show. It’s a fun show, with colorful characters, and cool action sequences and an awesome soundtrack and funny goofball filler episodes, it’s great. And  we haven’t been enjoying all those good things, because we’re too busy waiting for all those other things to happen. I personally will set my mind on enjoying the rest of the show, not thinking about what I want there to happen or how progressive I want it to be. I’ll just... watch it, and have fun, and if something makes me angry I’ll just focus on all the other things that don’t. I completely understand If you are dissapointed on the franchise and decide to stop watching. Nobody should be watching something that makes them misserable. I still have reasons to keep watching, so I’ll probably stay till the end, unless another major fuck up happens, who knows.  Take care and eat cake

[thatxvguy]

Aight, so here it is, KOD.

It’s my first J. Cole album I enjoy by far tbh, because I don’t seem to get his appeal (even tho I like lyrical Hip-Hop too) at the first listen, maybe it’s because I understand what’s the subject matter here, so yea let’s get into it.

Released in 4/20 to NOT glorify about drug use & addiction. Wow.

Shout-out my homie @ywrbgs for the review request. (Go follow his IG, he makes dope-ass beats)

01. Intro - Jazzy. Great intro for the album, the narration pretty much sums up the synopsis for this album. At first I was judging the rest of the songs to sound like the intro, Jazzy, Boom-bap-ish & conscious bUT HEY LOOK WHO’S SURPRISED—

02. KOD - JESUS, I DIDN’T KNEW HE COULD GO THIS HARD. BRO. THIS HARD. HE PRODUCED HIS OWN ALBUMS RIGHT?? THIS SHIT- FIRE YO. I like how he acknowledged the current state of Hip-Hop & drug glorifying in Hip-Hop, and him to do it in such a modern way (Trap beats, etc) makes this even more enjoyable, a definite favorite.

“Bitches been askin’, "What have you done lately?” I stacked a few M’s like my last name was Shady"

You know how I be when I hear Eminem references.

I go brazy.

Ballistic.

03. Photograph - Y'know I gotta put it in the personal favorites when it’s about love. It pretty much talks about Cole being in love with a random girl he met on IG (I suppose? It could be Twitter/Tinder/any other social medias) & how easy it is for people to fell in love with someone by just seeing a photograph of them. Me personally I relate to the song A-FUCKING-LOT (Yes I’m apparently a hopeless romantic who falls in love easily, thankfully I have someone to fight for now lmao). The hook pretty much hit me in the heart like “fUCK”, definitely a big recommend for someone who wants to start listening to J. Cole the easy way. And yeah the beat? The beat slap mad hard yo whatthefu-

04. The Cut Off (feat. kiLL edward) - Well here’s another feature from none other his alter ego he created to promote this album, it came back to that Boom-Bap and boy I enjoy this a lot. Lyrically he’s talking about people who cut him off for money/fame/clout/you name it, as much as he wants to take revenge for how people treated him badly, he knows that revenge is God’s work so he lets them off. Overall the song is a great song to vibe to, to understand to & all that. But I think it lacks something else, I just don’t know how to describe it, maybe it lacks an impactful moment? Still a great song overall

05. ATM - You ain’t a rapper if you don’t have a song to flex about in one of your albums. This song’s all about Cole flexing about his money but yet ironically he depicts about how people will do anything for money & how people’s lives are chained just because of money, hence the title of the song. (Addicted to Money)

Everything here slaps, the beat, the rap, the hook & how sarcastically Cole talks about his wealth in here, everything’s great. I wonder how people would think about this song without knowing how Cole is lol.

06. Motiv8 - Yea boy another song about getting money, seems like Cole is pretty frustrated about how these people get money nowadays. But ay, it is pretty pathetic to see it tbh, a promising talent on the come up, 3 years later people don’t even know them no more or even worse. (RIP XXX & Peep)

What’s ironic to me is that the song is lit, like I can’t lie man the song is lit. But what he raps about makes me think twice about how fucked up is the rap game. I feel like this song & ATM definitely takes inspirations from SoundCLoud rappers as heard as how the beats are & how Cole flows on the beats.

07. Kevin’s Heart - AYY BOY ANOTHER PERSONAL FAVORITE. ENOUGH SAID. How Cole talks about cheating to their certain other. That shit broke my heart.

As someone who understands about these things but yet to actually never been through these things just makes me even more confused, like do you ever understand something that you never been through? That’s how I am in my love life.

Sorry for being oot but I’ve been single for like what now? 3 years? And shit bro as much as I want to experience these kinda things again I couuldn’t because I haven’t found someone who wants me yet. Yet I understand how heartbreaks are & how people deal with it, but at the same time I feel ironic to empathize these kinda feelings, I feel fake, just like how Cole said it in the bridge.

Wow. This shit really wrecked me. 10/1 best outta best.

Where did my heart went now??

08. BRACKETS - Now this here, is some shit I gotta listen to a couple of times to actually get the gist of. Because I don’t really understand about how taxes in America works, I’ll just comment on what I got from thing song aight, so it’s basically Cole talking about how taxes are charged in America & where do the money go, does it go to fund the development of the States? Or does it go to some “money-hungry company” as Cole stated in the song. This that retrospective shit you gotta binge listen to actually understand fully what the song’s all about.

09. Once an Addict (Interlude) - Picturing about how his mom’s an alcoholic, I’ve been listening to these typa songs since I first found Eminem back in 2011 & now I’m back listening to someone who depicts almost the same topic in 2018, I feel great to actually listen someone who still holds story-telling in their raps, Cole is definitely one of the greatest in today’s era, proven by how he raps here. And tbh this is my very first time to listen to an interlude longer than 2 minutes, as if this interlude could actually be a song itself if you ask me.

10. FRIENDS (feat. kiLL edward) - At first I thought this song was about how addiction could start with a bad enviroment (You smoking as a minor with your friends, you get me?) but instead this songs about Cole’s message to his friends who is battling with addiction.

In here he wants people to know that drug abuse isn’t the way to escape the problems that they’re facing, but having a positive mindset will help them through. Imo I couldn’t agree more, but some people do really need the drugs to help, but I’m not promoting in drug usage in any sort of ways, I’m just saying if it helps better then do it, just don’t overdo it.

11. Window Pain (Outro) - This fucking outro man, I don’t fucking know how the fuck did Cole managed to put such a message in this outro but goddamn.

This is beautiful.

It’s all about Cole being introspective about what he wants in his life & how he is grateful for everything that happened in his life.

One interesting point about this outro is about the narrative of a girl telling about how her cousin got shot badly in her house. Her cousin was about to pick up the girl until some goons shot her cousin in the face and neck.

Surprisingly he’s still alive & the girl telling the story told that it was “God’s grace” for him to be spared alive. Unto been asked why do bad things happen & why won’t just good things happen to the world, the little girl replied:

“Because God is tryna, um Warn-warn us or teach us a lesson that we need to learn Or He’s tryna warn us of He’s comin’ back to, um, see us and take us home and redo the world He’s comin’ back to, um, have us be His children and for us to see Him for the first time so we can rejoice with Him and have our time And after we do that, He’s gonna restart the world”

Referring to Christians believing that God is going to be back to restart the world back to the pure, good world it was.

I’m surprised that Cole isn’t afraid to talk about these things, as the world is pretty much atheistic by now & I gotta respect him for being able to talk so.

12. 1985 (Intro to “The Fall Off”) - Presumably going to be the intro for his next album, Cole raps about the state of today’s Hip-Hop & easy is for a young rapper to rise & fall easily in this age of time.

People are saying that Cole is taking shots at various young reckless rappers i.e. Lil Pump/Smokepurrp/You name it, but I think that he’s actually trying to warn about how their actions could lead to their own downfall, seeing that Cole isn’t that type to be offended about today’s state of Hip-Hop (Proven by how he used trap beats & generic trap flows in this album) I don’t really think he’s “dissing” anyone here.

Welp, there it is, KOD. I like how J. Cole kept the album short & simple by just 12 tracks yet each songs has it own depths to understand about.

One thing I gotta take a not of is that… The overall album content’s pretty ironic tbh. Lit trap beats opposed to conscious rap, got me feeling some typa way.

DON’T EVEN ASK ME ABOUT HOW I FEEL ON KEVIN’S HEART, THAT SHIT LITERALLY BROKE MY HEART & MOOD, I GOTTA TAKE A BREAK FROM WRITING THIS FOR AROUND AN HOUR OR SO, JUST BECAUSE HOW I COULD RELATE TO IT. Jfc.

Personal favorites: KOD, Photograph (I fucking lOVE THIS SHIT), DAVID’S HEART YEA I SAID IT FUCK YOU, Window Pain (Outro)

My fucking goodness this album actually wrecked me wtf.

[nikatyler]

It’s been a while since my last replies! Anyway, my summer holiday has started and life is great. Well...I had a major gen 4 crisis, but more on that later.

Speaking of my legacies, something new and exciting is starting this week! It might even be my favourite save to play right now...I mean, it’s most definitely the most fun thing I’ve ever done in ts4. Prepare for mess. Like a lot of mess. Double portion of the usual simmeronnie mess, and trust me, it only gets worse.

I also finished gen 3 of Ravens and I’m planning gen 6 of Roses. I think I’ll start it focusing on the quads, then I’ll switch to the twins...and most importantly, to Regan. I already love this generation so much and I have a good feeling about these guys.

Anyway, replies now. By the way, I just know my activity feed isn’t showing them all. I can see some of them are missing. I remember reading some more. Rude, tumblr, very rude.

lalunebleue replied to your photoset “Tyler: “Huh? I’m glowing…wait a second. Wait, no. This is not fair. I...”

Not Tyler! :(

I honestly had a feeling he would be the first one, because this game is mean. I mean, technically he was not the first one, but still.

dandylion240 replied to your photoset “This is where I completely lost it.”

Now I'm going to cry ��

Trust me, I cried real tears. I didn’t expect them all to drop dead at once.

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “Grim: “I spared him, yes, but that is not happening again. I will take...”

GRIM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS IS RUDE!!

simsandthensome replied to your photoset “Grim: “I spared him, yes, but that is not happening again. I will take...”

wtf grim. rude!

I was hoping they would get saved too...but it looks like one pet can only save one sim. It was sad. Either take them all or let them all live, Grim. Don’t pick your faves.

darlingmk-blog replied to your photoset “16th October 2016 - 19th May 2018 While the whole dying mess was...”

I'm so sorry! =( I hate when a sims dies, especially when they are young. She was so pretty!

I wonder what the legacy would be like if I had picked her to be the heir...she’s such a cool, strong character.

darlingmk-blog replied to your photoset “16th October 2016 - 19th May 2018 I…can’t believe this has come after...”

I completely feel you on everything you just said.

This legacy broke me. Like, literally. That was not part of the plan.

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “You tried, Felix. You tried.”

Points for effort

This is why he still doesn’t have a girlfriend. But he definitely did his best! Keep trying, Felix, and maybe one day I’ll ask someone to create you a beautiful future wife.

pixelbots replied to your photoset “Felix: “Seriously, has no one taught you about personal space?”

HAHA XD

I keep saying I have a good feeling about gen 6 when in reality all it has been so far are fart jokes and quads peeing themselves. Yeah, this is the golden age of the legacy. I have reached my final form as a sims storyteller.

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “I thought I would be prepared this time. I was not.”

PAIN

I was hoping he would get saved again. I was ready to start making Supernatural jokes about him coming back to life over and over again.

Now that I think about it, I should have made him a detective all that long time ago. Then I would have references for all of SuperWhoLock. I’m a nerd.

pxelatedtrash replied to your photoset “Great. He’s on fire again.”

Your game keeps getting trying to kill him!

Dear game, let me tell you something

I write sims not tragedies

Okay, okay. I’m leaving. I just...P!ATD, man. Love it.

plumboblures replied to your photoset “I say it every single time but she’s hella adorable.”

she looks cute with that smile omg

She’s so cute I want to cry

Literally the only thing that keeps me away from making her the heir alongside Regan is the fact that we would have yet another redhaired heir and I want some change. I don’t have anything against redheads, my hair actually looks kind of red now because the dye washed out...and I’m considering actually dying it red because it’s not so bad...but this legacy has wayyyy too many redheads already!