#he's a hitman for hire

[mhaikkun]

oh darling, but can you afford me?

[deadsetobsessions]

Your name is Tim Drake and you are nine years old.

Today, tomorrow, and soon, you're going to save Robin.

----

Tim stares at his reflection on the sink tap. It trembles, along with the plane, as he contemplates his situation.

His face is rounder, now, with unfamiliar baby-fat rounding out the sharp lines he'd come to expect. Even with the subpar reflection, Tim can tell that his dark eyebags are all but gone, replaced with youthful skin.

Magic. He's being quite literal, seeing as he's been tossed into the body of his younger self at the hands of a crazed magician.

He could find a way back... or he could create a completely different timeline by fixing everything that went wrong. It's not like he has anything to go back to, anyways. That crazed magician was actually competent and killed everyone he ever cared about. Tim barely got away with his life. He could go back to save that shell of a world- surrounded by people whose minds were broken beyond magical and medical repair- or stay here, fix his own personal troubles and cut off the magician before he could start with his world domination bullshit.

Well, Tim already has an idea of what he wants. So he begins a list, after having oriented himself.

Save Robin

There's no point trying to convince Bruce that he knows where Jason's being held. So, Tim finds himself on a plane to Ethiopia a day before Jason's meant to die. This was long before Barbara even thought of being Oracle, and the tech is ancient in his hands. In short order, nine year old Tim has a trust fund with millions in it, all siphoned from billionaires like Lex Luthor and his own parents.

Tim toddles back to his seat, after washing his hands because he still can't shake the extra bit of paranoia that came with a missing spleen. Oh. Tim blinks guilelessly at his seat neighbor, smiling like Timothy Drake, Angel of a Son as he reels from the realization that he still has his spleen.

Tim adds another box to his list:

Keep Ra's away from my spleen, creepy bastard.

What else...? Ah, the League of Assassins.

Damian

Tim pauses. Holy crap. Damian's only six right now. Tim moves Damian's box upwards in urgency. Tim might have a mildly antagonistic relationship with his younger brother back then, but he wants baby pictures of his siblings, dammit. He's gonna put that photography expertise to good use if it's the last thing he does.

Watch over Z, Owens, Pru

'They're alive!' His mind screams. Cold rationality slaps the sentimentality down with a quick 'But they won't be if I fail.'

His mind wanders to Dick Grayson. He scowls as something pops up in the back of his head.

Catalina Flores

Contact Nightwing- in space

He's gotta call Dick back from that Teen Titans mission, Jason's gonna need all of the support he's going to get.

Find Cass

Train Steph

Save Duke's family from Venom

Tim taps at that last point. He'll save them. But that might mean Duke might never join their family.

But he'll be happy and Tim... will deal with it. He'll be the only one mourning, anyways. To end on a lighter note, he adds something that he should have done ages ago.

Give Tam a raise.

Tim sighs as he gets out of the airport, the hired escort he found and vetted, delivering him to a predetermined hotel. They think his parents are already inside. He laughs and does not say anything to make them think otherwise. He has so many things to do, Tim laments as he settles down to track the Joker's movements. Here. That's where Jason's being held. Being tortured.

He can, however, knock two things off his list in one go. Tim picks up the burner phone he acquired. He doesn't have time, or else he would have done this sooner and saved them all the trouble.

[RR: Are you in Ethiopia yet?]

[Deathstroke: Payment confirmed. In Ethiopia.]

[RR: Third building by the docks.]

An hour.

[Deathstroke: Confirmed. Target spotted.]

Ten minutes.

[Deathstroke: Target eliminated. Bringing Robin to Safehouse.]

Twenty minutes.

[Deathstroke: Basic first aid applied. Leaving.]

[RR: Secondary payment sent. Confirm?]

[Deathstroke: Confirmed. Pleasure doing business with you.]

Tim sprawls on the king bed. He sighs a breath of relief. He'd check on Jason in person, if he weren't paranoid about leaving traces that would get back to him. Tim's pretty sure that Deathstroke's going to get hunted down in the near future, regardless, so he made sure to add a huge tip on top of the extra fees for burning one of Deathstroke's safe houses and the emergency first aid. He taps into the rudimentary camera Deathstroke had given him the access codes to, to stare at Jason's rising and falling chest. On a further table, the Joker's head laid in a preservation box.

He bypasses all of the security on the Teen Titan's tech to send Dick a message.

[Robin has been retrieved from the Joker. Contact Batman for details.]

Then, he sends Bruce the location of the safe house. Tim spends the rest of the day staring at Jason and watching his father in another timeline break as he huddles close to the broken body of Tim's Robin.

Timothy Drake destroys the burner phone.

[humming-fly]

as expected the fma mobile game event side story that inexplicably features og greed and ling as high schoolers is just as wildly batshit as you'd expect - all these shitposts are all taken nearly Verbatim from the translation shit really was just that funny i still laugh when i think about it

(also in case ya'lld like to see it for yourself i saved all the screenshots and google translations to a zip file here though fair warning they may or may not be in order good luck o7)

[t4t4tclethian]

hitman joel x businessman (? not sure about this one but its what ive got) xb where joel was originally hired to kill xb but then xb kept wiggling his way out of every single attempt. and then joel's contract expires but he still keeps trying to kill xb because he wants to finish the job and he has a reputation to uphold here! who's going to hire a hitman who comically fails in every attempt to kill this one guy? and then he tries to befriend xb in disguise to figure out this guy's weaknesses. (xb knows the whole time but is extremely paranoid anyways and kinda wants to see where joel's going with this).

(featuring grian and the rest of the magic mountain gang as joel's hitman friends who bully him mercilessly, keralis as. well i feel like you can't write xb without a keralis. and hypno as xb's necromancer friend who raises him from the dead the few times joel actually Does manage to poison him or whatever)

[finedinereception]

looking back on danny phantom and beginning to realize why i never took vlad that seriously as an antagonist. like a glitch in time really cracked it open for me.

he is a 40 year old man but he is also a category 5 failgirl having a two decade long Mental Health Moment. his hobby is feeling really stupid about a thing he did and then doing it again five days later. he fumbled so hard he almost destroyed all of reality. like on accident.

[mukuberry]

mukunation your beloved leader is an idiot bitch. guy comes up to me and makes small talk and then is like "im gonna go buy a drink do u wanna come? :)" and i go "no thanks im good" ?????????? i hate this mukuberry guy can someone shoot him in the face with a rifle

[fcbalding]

i’m gonna kill bagelsmann with my bare hands

[rakkuntoast]

honestly the thing I'm most excited is who's gonna get hired as hitmen by the candidates, etoiles is already offering himself

[lightflame]

All this talk about Taylor Swift's new album as if everyone's forgotten that during her 2015 tour in the Netherlands she was assassinated by the Dutch government and replaced by lookalike Sanne de Snaijer to serve as a puppet for advancing their interests.

[slashingdisneypasta]

I haven't even SEEN this movie yet and I have fic ideas for Smiley.

[shsl-supreme-simp]

I read so much aita and especially like best of so I wouldn’t even bat an eye at that tbh

LMAO bro got away with it via changing identity so it’s not even his problem now

[scorpiusmalfoylovesoscarwilde]

GOD I FUCKING HATE RISHI SUNAK

[dykeyote]

i need to write 500 words tonight but all i can think about is how cecil kanagawa is so so so so so cringe fail ): he is so cringe he is the most pathetic guy ever i was ranting abt this to my irl friend and it turned into 71 consecutive texts in the blink of an eye .... how do u make the best character (worlds most cringe trans guy) and abandon him so . woe

[starfruit-baby]

akira amano would sometimes just design someone to slay absolute and utter pussy cunt and then youd never see them again

[omegawolverine]

people on twitter saying new puss in boots design is better than the old one r literally insane PUSS IN BOOTS SHOULD BE A LITTLE FUCKED UP LOOKING...THATS LIKE THE WHOLE POINT???

[iimexpensiive]

✧ @void-multimuse ✧ — ( ↪     𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐎𝐍𝐄 , 𝑰'𝑴 𝑨 𝑭𝑬𝑾 - ᶰᵒ ᶠᵃᵐᶤˡʸ ˒ ᵗᵒᵒ . 𝑤ℎ𝑜 𝑎𝑚 𝑖? ) sorry , i've got ... i've got a lot of work to do . [From NG!MK ^^]

"Oh, I won't keep you long."

It would be foolish if he wasn't aware of what went on in the city, didn't matter that he rarely venture into it. Preferring to keep hidden away in his hideout and away from the suffering — it helped ease his mind, if only a little bit. He didn't want to see the horrors that had come to pass. Having witnessed it enough in his opinion, bleeding over and over for a world that kept marching towards destruction. He hated that he ignored it BUT it had destroyed not just him but someone close to him. Turning away from it like that man had to save what little of himself was left now, so what if it was selfish?

He was definitely curious about this young man. Enough to keep a watchful eye on his whereabouts and activities. Smuggling water and other supplies was not something that was uncommon — a few struggling to help those ailing from hardship. You would be stupid not to know about it. Having turned down several who had tried to use him like an enforcer to shutdown such affairs when it effected them. Sure, he was no saint by any means and the jobs he did take were not for the faint of heart BUT even he wasn't about to get involved in such things. Let them fuck with those in charge, he would neither help nor hinder either side.

"Just a small word of caution — "

" — you better be prepared for the hardships that come with messing around with those who are in charge, you might be young BUT they will not care nor will it stop them. You AND your friend will not receive any mercy."

Almost disturbingly quick his wrist flicks and the little metal conductor's wand he carried around flies over and past the young man's shoulder. Piercing straight through the forehead of a large hulking monster of a yaoguai behind him — the being falling backwards and into a heap. The metal rod floating back into his hands before the masked monkey stands, stretching out his arms and scratching his neck with it.

"Watch your back or they ripe it out before you know it."