#he's a fucked up lil bard

[adxmanial]

a new brush and a new blorbo fixed me

[lanaevyssmoved]

needing a bard in my tactician party but not being able to decide which of my little freaks to turn into one

[little-piece-of-tamlin]

thing i found in my notes app. maybe i should write more body horror

----------------------------

he feels the halo pulse sometimes.

he feels his body do a lot of things that it's either not supposed to do at all, or is supposed to do unnoticed. the way oxygen mixes into his blood at every breath, that electric-numb tingle that his nerves cannot always keep quiet about. the shifting and groaning of the muscles and bones in his back, the many dots of faint pressure in his left cheek. he's used to most of it by now, fading into background static, and, well, if he's twitchy he can just blame it on the nicotine. no need to look underneath his skin.

but the sensation that always stirs him, makes him freeze up and want to reach for a knife, is the halo stuck below his collarbones pulsing. sometimes it's a beat, sometimes it's a hum, the vibrations of it reminding him of its presence. The halo is the only foreign part of his body that he doesn't feel the constant presence of, not even if he's paying attention. He has to reach up with his hand and press his fingers against his skin, searching for the feeling of something nesting in his flesh. And he finds it, feels it, the firm curve of it against his fingertips, but barely feels it press itself deeper.

So he forgets. And forgets. And gets reminded when there is a strange lurch above his chest, tickling his airway and his lungs, and he has to supress a cough to get rid of it. Gets reminded when there is a buzz that makes the numbness of his nerves spread, that needling feeling making a spiderweb across his neck and chest, reaching up to his ears and jaw. Gets reminded when sometimes, the pulse is a burst of heat, scorching him from the inside out, leaving him with angry red scratchmarks around his neck and the warm itch of imflamation.

The shame of having lost a fight against his own body again, and achieving no result even as he opened his flesh up, sits with him for even longer.

[collegeoflore]

realizing for timeline reasons it’s entirely possible though not extremely likely that wyll would actually recognize xarrai lol

[madwomansapologist]

──────〃✰ kinktober 2024 ୨ৎ

welcome to my first kinktober!

bellow you'll find prompts i've come up with + one that was commented on a post i made about this very same subject. feel free to send any asks/leave replies with more suggestions. the goal is a porn fic per day in october, so suggestions are welcomed!

i'm comfortable reading any sort of request (except teacher/student related) and will write for those fandoms. dates may change as the prompts are finished.

if you want to be tagged, tell me! i update this post everytime i finish one of the prompts with some details.

DAY 1 somnophilia ✰ kento nanami

title : sweet dreams synopsis : watching the man you love deny himself of his needs, you take matters into your own hands. or lips, to be more precise. [1.6K] cw : gn!reader, established relationship, somnophilia, oral(m!receiving), overstimulation, nipple stimulation, body worship, hair pulling, choking (gn!receiving).

DAY 2 incest ✰ karlach

title: a small favor synopsis: a movie night turned into you being used by your older sister. if only she had warned you before. [1.1K] cw: t!karlach, plus size!reader, incest, lil sis/big sis, dub con, dry humping, spit, premature ejaculation.

DAY 3 monster fucking ✰ multiple monsters

title : haunted house cw: monster fucking, gangbang, dub/con, cock/pussy drunk.

DAY 4 strip poker ✰ sir crocodile

title: poker face synopsis: luckily, mr. 0 didn't knew you were part of the straw hat's pirates. luckily, mr. 0 fell for your distraction and bluffs. unfortunately, you couldn't stop yourself from fucking him until his name was the only thing on your mind. [3.1K] cw: mugiwara!fem!reader, strip poker, public sex, strip tease, fingering (f!receiving), riding, nipple stimulation, biting, scratching, creampie, possessive behavior, enemies fucking, mob boss meets a baddie, pussy so good he wonders about marriage.

DAY 5 shower sex ✰ nobara kugisake

title : let it sink in cw: shower sex, body worship,thigh riding.

DAY 6 overstimulation ✰ nico robin

title : fake it cw: mutual masturbation, orgasm denial.

DAY 7 cockwarming ✰ marcille donato x falin touden

title : animal attraction cw: monster fucking, cockwarming, size kink, sloopy sex.

DAY 8 praise kink ✰ kagaya ubuyashiki

title : pretty boy cw: praise kink, blowjob, public sex, dumbification.

DAY 9 corruption kink ✰ shan yu

title : training session cw: praise kink, blowjob.

DAY 10 exhibitionism kink ✰ ryomen sukuna

title : mined cw: exhibitionism, jealous sex, gore.

DAY 11 bondage ✰ dark justiciar shadowheart

title: sing your prayers synopsis: to worship lady shar, one must be perfect. shadowheart will guide you, make you the best you can ever be. don't matter the cost, her teachings shall find a way into your very soul. [1K] cw: fem!reader, bard!tav, domme!shadowheart, power imbalance, memory loss, bondage, humilliation kink, temperature play, gaslighting, dacryphilia, religious imagery, Shar vs Selune.

DAY 12 gangbang ✰ east blue crew

title : guess cw: gangbang, blindfolds, creampie, dumbification.

DAY 13 face sitting ✰ laios touden

title : lips sealed cw: face sitting, overstimulation, free use.

DAY 14 sex pollen ✰ kyojuro rengoku

title : milk me cw: sex pollen, pussy drunk, forced orgams.

DAY 15 dumbification ✰ yuki tsukumo

title : what's your type cw: public sex.

DAY 16 threesome ✰ yor forger x reader x loid forger

title : co-parenting 101 cw: threesome, overstimulation.

DAY 17 worship kink ✰ tatsu

title : dragon's fire cw: worship kink, fear play.

taglist: @ffinosie @lovelyy-moonlight @alzaira @s2-angells @eyes-ofhell @inlovewithmariah @chiiyohiimee @shaquilles-0atmeal @bloodyziggy

@ madwomansapologist.tumblr.

[lassieposting]

Jaskier is fucking appalled by the animal-naming habits of every single witcher within three (3) days of arriving at Kaer Morhen

This is a man who named each individual mouse in his prison cell. And now he finds that it's not just Geralt, who keeps buying chestnut mares and naming them all Roach like some kind of imagination-deficient walking time loop.

It's Lambert, the absolute cretin, who always names his poor animal Horse, as though it needs a fucking reminder, because "it's a fucking horse, songbird, it doesn't need a fucking name".

It's Vesemir, who's spent at least Geralt's entire lifetime leaving his horses with whatever name they had when he bought them, even when it's entirely inappropriate for a witcher's mount. Geralt remembers learning to ride on Vesemir's big black gelding Samson, which is not terrible as horse names go, he supposes. But Samson was succeeded by Dame Bubbles III, who was named by her previous owner's eight-year-old daughter, and even Vesemir himself can't keep a straight face at the memory.

It's Coën, who's always named his horses after food, which seems terribly mean. Rump-Steak is actually very sweet, nipping habit aside.

And then Eskel comes home, right as Jaskier is comforting poor Rump-Steak ("Never mind, dear boy, my parents named me Julian and I turned out alright") and finally, here is a man with some sense. Lil Bleater is not the most creative of names, but Eskel picked it himself, and his horse has a suitably witchery intimidating name even if he's a sweet soft boy who gets bullied by Miss Roachie. Someone around here has a brain cell - thank heavens!

(This is a very wrong-footing introduction for Eskel. He's not used to having strange men drowning in Geralt's fluffiest fur-lined cloak stalk up to him before he's even got in the door, addressing him by name and demanding to know what he calls his horse. But he's delighted to be pronounced "the only one around here with some bloody sense", asks Geralt, "Is this your bard?" and promptly explodes laughing at the thought of Geralt getting henpecked every time he names a new Roach for twenty fucking years)

[love-toxin]

Ellie i want astarion to fuck my mouth

im SO sorry queen i had to make the meow meow a lil emotionally vulnerable while im at it pls forgive me 🐸

(cws: gn!reader, vampire fuckery, bg3 spoilers, oral (m! receiving), teasing, possibly ooc astarion bc im only starting act 2 LOL, jealousy sex, deepthroating, a touch of feral/rough sex, facefucking, astarion is so in love it makes him look stupid <3)

word count: 3.9k

Once again, an evening spent with your mind somewhere else is interrupted by something you weren't expecting. The fire gleams from the pit and washes warmth across your face, a glow cast over your skin as you sit with your fingers white-knuckling a cold mug. Your companions are off on their own save for Scratch, who despite being a bit furrier than the tavern's normal patrons sleeps quietly at your feet. It barely took any convincing to let him in considering the rather stellar reputation you've earned yourselves–not to mention you're sharing a spot around the hearth with a couple frizzy-haired barbarians and a Tabaxi bard strumming out a tune on her lute. All seems peaceful, the noise just relaxed enough that you can let your mind wander about all manner of things. Ponder all sorts of worries you have yet to deal with on your adventure.

But it seems you're destined for an interruption. The back of your neck prickles from nowhere, a chill slithering coldly down your spine…from the corner of your eye you spot him, his pale hand vanishing behind a door on the second floor of the inn.

He's watching you. That's your cue, his methods of distraction always seeming so trivial and out of the way–he could always just come over and tap you on the shoulder. But Astarion likes the chase and isn't much of a fan of sincerity, so it's only natural for you to pass your half-empty mug off to one of the barbarians, get a bumbled shout of gratitude and a slap on the back, and slip away from the night's bustle of the tavern to thump your way up the winding stairs. All four of the rooms have been rented out by you and your party but one will sit empty tonight–aside from your gear, you're fairly certain your room will be unoccupied as you find other sleeping arrangements.

Tap tap. Just in case there's danger looming too close to comfort, you and your partner have a particular signal. Just as your knuckles come away from the door the tapping echoes back, tap tap, and you smother a grin as your fist closes around the knob for you to step inside.

The oak door thuds behind you at once and clicks softly as the latch falls in place. Nothing but the ire of a god or a drunken ogre could interrupt you now….but there's not much to interrupt if there's only one of you here, and as your eyes sweep the simple room you don't spot hide nor hair of your darling creature of the night. You've got a teasing remark on the tip of your tongue, ready to let loose-

"Don't. Move."

-But before you can even take a breath, there's a blade's edge digging into your throat and a cold, lean body pressed up against your backside. Effectively caught between a rock and a hard place. Prey. Astarion's whispered commands, however deep and punctuated they are, only send shivers of delight through you rather than true fear–and you find yourself struck with a dumb grin, not at all immune to the soft touch of his lips as they graze your tender neck from behind. He's got his arm pulled so snug around your waist it feels more like the grasp of a lover than a robbery, but that's because it is.

"Light on valuables, huh?" You tease over your shoulder, your hands braced against his arm as it holds the knife so dangerously close to your pulse point.

"You aren't. Show me what you've got, or I'll look myself." He murmurs back, breath cool as it puffs shallowly against your skin. It's somehow sweet when he tries to be so hard-to-get with you–maybe, you wonder, he doesn't yet realize how attached you are to him despite all you've been through already. Enough that you don't feel the bite of harsh, real danger in your peripheral, which sooner leads him to loosen his grip and push you forward with a palm on the base of your spine–all while tugging the knife out of the way, of course. If you asked him, he'd say it's because it would be a waste to spill such divine blood all over the ground.

As you turn yourself around to face him, you come eye-to-eye with the glaring tip of the knife yet again. Astarion is half-dressed, a bit disheveled, looking as though he's on the cusp of needing a drink again. Those carmine-coloured eyes echo some deep, violent desperation, one that shakes his voice as he commands you with total sincerity to strip.

"Will you join me?" You ask, your voice tinged with adoring hope. It irritates him, hope. Usually, at least. Usually it doesn't rub him as wrong when you're the one with hope in your heart, but evidently tonight is different if his scoff is anything to go by.

"That depends." His gaze flits away as he worries his lower lip between his teeth, not as careful about nicking it with his fangs as he usually is. Something surely must be wrong if he's acting so strange, especially since nothing has happened lately that's seemed to upset him…at least not that he's told you. It could be something else entirely, or something you don't have any idea about. Once he meets your eyes again, the hand he's gripping the dagger in lowers slowly. It was just a prop, after all–never a real threat. "...So long as you don't forget who you pledged your love to. Me. I won't stand for all this…this nonsense I've seen of late."

You cock your head in reply with a raised brow, questioning and curious of what on earth he could be referring to. Astarion rolls his eyes but it's most assuredly a gesture to mask how weak your sincerity makes him, your honesty painfully boring but, at the same time, endlessly endearing. With a sigh he tosses the knife aside in an arc, the handle flipping over blade for it to fall perfectly on the tip, sunk half an inch into the table by the bed. He's got his attention locked on it for long enough that the shuffling of fabric is what turns his head back towards you, his tongue flicking out to wet his lips on instinct as he watches your clothing slip off your positively tantalizing figure.

"We're gonna have to pay for that, you know." Whatever you're saying goes right through both ears, the way your giggles shake your shoulders being all that he can focus on right now. He can barely tear his eyes away once you've wiggled out of your bottoms, and you're swift to remind him of his stare when you cheekily throw the travel-worn trousers in his direction. But all he does is grab a handful of them and press them to his face, not soaking in the scent as much as the undeniable warmth from just coming off your legs. They're only an introduction, however. They're tossed right back at you without pause, and fall to the floor in a heap that Astarion carelessly steps over to get to you. To get closer. He can never really get close enough, ever.

Even an inch away from you, though, your love does nothing to close that last shred of distance between you. Where he was eager to touch you just a few minutes ago, now he keeps his hands down like he's nervous about grazing you with just his fingertips. But despite that you can clearly see how he keeps eyeing your lips, so if he won't meet you the rest of the way, you simply have to do it for him. A quick peck on the chin is too much yet not enough–he endures a noticeable quiver through his body that he tries to stifle, but he can't resist raising a hand to your neck and tilting your head higher, just enough that you won't miss this time when he plants his mouth on yours. Deeper this time, much deeper, with his tongue making an appearance to slither from a cold embrace to your unbearably hot one.

You'd love nothing more than to take it further right here, right now, but there's something stopping Astarion that you'd like to get to the bottom of. Just as he's getting a little lost in your kiss, his eyes shut and fangs scraping at your delicate tongue as it moves with his, you break it off with a warm hand pressed to his chest and bring him back to your unspoken question.

"Azzy, what's wrong?"

"Don't call me that," He snaps back suddenly, brow furrowed in immediate annoyance. He doesn't move away though–clearly you're a bit too enticing for him to rethink the embrace he has you in, nor the fact that you're bare and warm for nobody else but him. "So childish. Or did you simply forget my name already?"

"I could never forget you. Now tell me what's wrong, Az. You're acting weird."

This time, he just shoots you a glare that could kill you on the spot. It's damning, his fury terrifying enough written so plainly on his face….but it also stirs up something within you that won't be sated by words alone.

"Last time, darling. I'm warning you. And it's nothing. Just…" A shake of his head sends his perfect curls flying about, each one falling back into place more perfectly than he's coming across right now. "...I wish you had been around when I was alive. That's all."

"What do you mean?"

"The others are all…alive. Breathing. Warm. Some of them look at you like–like you aren't with me. Like they could sweep you off your feet without even a thought." He says it with so much defeat in his tone, so gently with so soft an edge that you almost can't hear it with the muffled sounds of the tavern under your feet. It's rare to hear him sound so…sad. It's a bit odd to think, but he often comes off younger than he is when he speaks this way. "Maybe, if…if I was with you, then…" He huffs, flinching away from your hand as it grazes his cheek. Yet, within a moment, he's turning back and nuzzling his face into your palm like he can't get enough, his hand coming up to brace your delicate wrist as if he's afraid you really will pull away from him. "...If I was with you, maybe I would never be what I am now."

"But I like who you are now." You insist, the smile slowly returning as it creases the edges of your lips. "I love you, Astarion. I mean it, I always will. Forever."

"Forever is a very long time, my sweet." You shoot him that naive look like you don't really get the gravity of what you're saying. You don't, on second thought–you haven't suffered through two immortal centuries like he has. "...Fine. You love me? Prove it, then."

His tone grows dark, as does the once-vibrant colour in his eyes. Something swirls about behind them like a shadow in the water of a blood-red lake.

"On your knees."

Huh?

"I said," The air grows hot around you despite the chill of his body on yours, a purr rising in the back of his throat as he pushes very gently on your shoulder. "Get on your knees."

And with his command hanging in the air, you follow so obediently you give him a pleasing shiver down the length of his spine and back. You sink down to the floor in one long, fluid motion, barely breaking eye contact as you brace yourself against his pale thighs. They don't even need your touch to come undressed, his pants falling with his thumbs hooked into the waist and tugged down just as easily as you did. He wastes no time in stepping out of them and kicking them away, but he doesn't really have the option to when you're already mesmerized by the image of what lies beneath–once the tip of his flushed, heavy cock sprung free of catching on his belt, you had your gaze glued to it like it's the first time you've ever laid eyes on him.

"I'll never get tired of this view." He smirks, all pompous and smug with no idea of the test of self-control he's about to face. Because although you may be the one beneath him, where you belong in this scenario, the haze over your eyes as you stare openly should be enough of a tell that your mouth is already watering. Astarion's gentle humming hits your ears as he takes himself in hand, tugging out a few slow strokes for your entertainment before he settles on holding it by the base, and guides it down towards your lips. He's so pale everywhere else that the ruddiness of the rubbery head is almost uncanny, but the pale pink blush that spreads throughout gives his flesh such a delicate look that you can't help but dive right in.

One slow, tentative lick up the tip, and Astarion has it written all over his face–he isn't going to be finished until you've got some bruises, that's for sure. You try another and he finally gets a grip on your head, fingers woven through your hair to keep you steady and to calm his trembling hands. Those soft kitten licks are always his weakness, each one a bit braver and deeper but peppered with hot little kisses in between. You press them all down the shaft and back, smearing the stiff flesh with spit and giving him a tongue bath that feels like it never ends–not that he wants it to, though. Those shaky breaths overhead are a telltale sign otherwise.

"More," He purrs, half-needy and half-demanding in the same breath. You kiss over his knuckles that still grip the base of his shaft, and can't help but smile up at him as he quietly taps the head against your lips, tap tap. Twice he knocks and begs silently for entry, and soon he releases a sigh from the depths of his belly as you swallow him down and welcome him in. "Show me what I deserve."

Astarion certainly doesn't need to tell you twice, he barely needs to tell you once. As soon as he's settled snugly where he belongs, he lets go of the grasp he had and watches in awe as you swallow. Every inch he thinks you can't take more of disappears inside your mouth, slid further and further until he starts to curve into the bend of your throat and loses the last vestiges of his willpower. All his strength saps into you like his teeth on your flesh–where he stole your power in your blood, you take it back just as easily with a flick of your tongue and the incessant squeeze of your throat.

"Getting impatient? Already? We've only just begun, love." You can feel the heat of his eyes shift as they turn further downward, no clothing able to serve as a boundary to hide the needy grind of your thighs together as you kneel. The reaction of your body to his rather lewd commentary doesn't help you either, and in one sweep of his gaze over your exposed figure he can see everything you're thinking like it's written across your skin in ink. "Don't stop rubbing those legs together. Show me just how badly you want me, darling."

It might be more embarrassing if you didn't know Astarion had seen it all already, and that he would most definitely be seeing much more of everything below in the future. The fact that you trust him with those fangs around all your sensitive areas is touching…and it also means he trusts you enough to be a little rougher when you're returning the favour. You've degraded yourself to a humiliating extent by being with him, by getting down on your knees for him no less, and with him wrapped so tight and cozy in your throat he's got a look like he's ready to make himself at home.

With a moan slipped in between the pauses, your beloved curls his thumbs down behind the shell of each ear, his palms laid flat against your temples so he won't let go so easily. The drawing back is easy, his cock parting less and less of the space inside until he's barely brought it back to the tip–but just as you're getting in a taste of his salty sweat and bitterly rich arousal as it sits heavy on your tongue, Astarion flashes you a wink and braces your face for impact as he thrusts back in. Your heat coddles every inch of him and shakes loose a string of raspy moans from his chest, while the scrape of your nails against his thighs and your soft, squirming tongue pressed flat against his girth only has him burning hotter. The first time is a tight fit for sure, but as he enters into a steady rhythm of pulling out and gliding past your sweet, stretched lips, each buck of his hips grows smoother and it gets easier with time. Sooner than either of you expected, you barely have to focus at all–you can sit nicely and let your attention wander up to his lusty gaze, idly suckling at whatever he manages to stuff inside for as long as he's able to keep it there.

"I know it's on your mind already, but tell me I'm beautiful, my sweet." Astarion croons like a cat to a mouse, speaking so sweetly like he isn't still ravaging the most tender areas of your throat, and fucking away any possibility of you speaking properly for the next little while. And he shows no signs of stopping, your squeaky, muffled moans as he grinds the heft of his cock against your tongue too delicious for him to think about it. But eventually he does, managing somehow to pry himself off of your beautiful, fucked-out, spit-slicked face to give you a chance. "Go on. Speak."

"Please," You croak, head hazy and your face dark with warmth. "You're so beautiful, Astarion, please. I love you."

"Will you love me forever?" You nod, the answer barely a hair's breadth from your swollen lips.

"For eternity."

Astarion takes a moment, a pause that lasts a lifetime or more, but the genuine joy that starts to spread across his smile could keep you alive for a century of centuries. It's not one you see often or ever see, but that makes it just as precious as any gold or treasure you might come across in your lifetime.

"...Eternity it is then, darling." One of those cold hands moves to stroke your hair, his touch fleeting yet his grip tight with desire as you lean in for a kiss–not on his lips, but rather the tip of his dick, of which is absolutely soaked by your influence…and of his readiness for the end, as you can see by the veins pulsing up the sides and the whole length twitching with anticipation. You can feel those little spasms through your tongue as it meets his slit, Astarion's chest heaving and fangs glinting as he gives in to the urges to nestle himself back inside. As much as he wants a proper kiss, he'll get one as soon as those frantic hips slow completely instead of picking up speed as he meets your delectable heat again. He could be using you for his pleasure alone for another two hundred years, and in your endless desire to please him you're not sure you'd oppose it–you know for a fact that once the centuries had passed, Astarion would be spending twice as long with his head down between your legs.

"One day, I'll tear that wretch of a vampire's heart out through his stomach," Astarion growls out of nowhere, suddenly sounding completely feral in the span of a moment. The ferocity with which he's fighting the tightness of your throat increases too, thought not much more than he already was–if you touched your neck you would feel the bulge of him sunk so deep he can see it, the rise and fall of that soft flesh tightening the knot in the pit of his belly. "-And we won't ever spend a day apart. I swear."

All you can do is ride with the pace he's offering, your throat cinching tight like a coinpurse the more he rams it with the full strength of his hips, nails digging into your scalp as he batters you rabidly without ever losing his grip. Soon, his query of "Ready, darling?" barely meets your ears, your attempt at not choking on each thrust and somehow sucking in a breath here and there too important for your survival.

And in a matter of moments, you're granted reprieve while also left hollow and empty at the same time, Astarion's fist yanking you back by the hair as he sucks in a huge, deep breath into his lungs. The twist of his other hand stroking himself down to the last few beats comes close to your face, your soft gasps for air the perfect background for your name to trickle out of Astarion's mouth–and with such a deep moan it rattles you through your blood down to your bones, you kneel and wait eagerly as your partner lets everything go for you. His balls tighten and squeeze as the pressure of that knot inside him snaps, and he watches with a devoted gleam in his eyes as you wear every rope of pearly cum he milks out for you in that orgasm that shakes him to the core.

"Look at that," He murmurs, voice nearly as wrecked and raspy as yours will be by tomorrow. "Painted like a canvas fit for the gods. Gorgeous."

If he could, he would save this image of you in a frame forever; your sweet, smiling face marred with the essence of him, your hair pulled back by his sweaty fingers but your eyes filled with so much love. Love, genuine and sincere, your giggles loopy and tired as you come down from the high, yet without any post-sex remorse that he fears each and every time you climb into his bed with him. It stays the same when he cleans you off and persists even once you kiss him, knees so wobbly you fall back into the sheets with the slightest push. You won't ever let him free, kiss after kiss pressed to his cold mouth as he climbs over you. Your ankles hook over his waist before he knows it, your smile desperate to be wiped off your face again once he chases that heat for the second, third, fourth, fifth, tenth time, until the sun rises and you're reminded of the downsides of entertaining a lover who never needs rest.

You might tell him you love him again when morning comes, despite the exhaustion tugging down your eyelids and the sweat pouring down your aching back. You probably will, knowing how naive and sincere you tend to be even when you shouldn't. Even so, this time…Astarion might not be able to pretend he doesn't feel exactly the same way.

[ceddar-cheez]

Ok I have a minor gripe about Gale’s big romance night. Absolute spoilers because I’m just gunna brain vomit. I love this nerdy wizard a lil too much

So! I’m kinda peeved about how the choice to indulge Gale in magic sex has a lot more detail and effort than wanting to connect with him as a mortal in mortal flesh. You don’t even get naked when you choose mortal sex. It’s so disappointing because it feels like I made ‘the lame choice’ that they didn’t bother finishing and that undermines a big theme in his romance (or how I’m playing it)

I rolled a Barbie Bard so “love your true self!” is like central to the role play. So of course Barbie pushes that she loves him for his personality and not impressive tricks. But then if you go that route Gale is like ‘eh well if you wanna do it the old way then sure’. Like no no no Gale this is can be just as sensual as the other stuff… if not more really. The point is to empty your mind and be present in every part of your body. I used to overthink during sex (ADHD related) and it became a whole other level when I got out of my head. And like what is that magic sex if not Gale thinking reeeeaally hard?

Really I think the astral projection sex isn’t as amazing as he hypes it up to be. I mean just think, he says he hadn’t been with a mortal since being with Mystra and that relationship lasted a while (for how I interpreted it). I don’t think he’s had sex in his body in a long time. Cause Mystra doesn’t have a body, the astral sex would be fulfilling, but for Gale I can’t help noticing he left something behind

Himself

His whole body

That thing that feels touch and heat and pain

I think this illustrates what I think it feels like:

A tiktok woman (StruggleCare) was in labor and it was long and rough. She was in the hospital hooked up to an IV that was keeping her hydrated but she wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything in case they needed to do an emergency c-section. Her body was hydrated, but after so many hours she was begging for water to get rid of her awful thirst. Something about the experience of feeling water in your mouth is important to tell your brain it’s not in danger. (They did give her water and her birth went fine, just in case you wondered how this particular tale ended)

I feel like Gale’s “ascended” sex is like that IV. He’s been parched for so long that he doesn’t notice the thirst.

But here comes Barbie Bard and this man tripping over himself saying how he likes her musk. In the shadowlands he stops you to make a comment about how hot you look fighting and sweating.

Mystra doesn’t have a musk. Nor does she sweat.

So really the question is… when was the last time he was actually touched more than on the hands? I wanted to see that touched-starved desperation. I just love the idea Barbie Bard took a man with his head in the stars and fucked him back to his own humanity.

Very Hozier if I do say so. I like the theme of finding salvation in human after being failed by a god with unobtainable expectations. (Mystra and God god aren’t 1-to-1 so not perfect fit)

Anyway I don’t know where I’m going with this except I guess it’s time to bust out Procreate. I wanna hear other’s thoughts on this too

[spicyraeman]

Can we see your ocs?

Yes! thank you for asking bc I have a hard time talking/posting about them unless someone specifically asks 😅

They've all got main tags (minus Hound) that you can find in my pinned, but i've never really introduced them or anything so imma take the chance to show 'em off and write a lil blurb about them

Virranan (he/they/she)

My specialist lil guy and the most fleshed out of all my current ocs. A half wood elf gloomstalker and an infamous information broker / bounty hunter pre-tadpole. Generally trying to be a good person post-tadpole but their more morally dubious tendencies do tend to crop up from time to time. Also a werewolf.

Rûngrim (she/they/it)

A Seldarine Drow barbarian spared and raised in an orcish tribe after her family was slaughtered as a baby. Forwent their personhood to become a bloodrager, they consider themself more weapon than person. Not nearly as scary as they look.

Treble (she/her)

An ex-noble bard tiefling who left her family in her early 20s to join a traveling circus. Resents her family but loves her younger brother (the favorite child). A jack of all trades type, most people find her kinda unpleasant to be around, but she's great around kids.

Phylo (they/it)

A circle of spores druid and technically a Drow. They were raised in a Myconid colony and fully considers itself a Myconid. Their skin is covered in all manner of constantly growing fungi that need to be pruned regularly. It speaks very rarely, instead preferring to use telepathic methods when possible and sign language when not.

Hound (she/they)

my newest oc, they're a wild magic sorcerer durge on the redeemed path but first she's gonna do some real fucked up shit in act 1

[life-is-unreal]

Stranger Danger~ {Genshin x Reader} Teyavat Chapter 14 - Teardrop Crystal

slight spoiler : There's probably going to be a slime army :D, which slime for Liyue I wonderrrr :DDD

"Welcome back!" Venti's eyes glimmered under the bar lights. "Ah, this is the Holy Lyre! You managed to retrieve it!"

"The pattern of flowing wind carved on the rosewood... and the strings still feel cool to the touch too. Oh, the memories..." You rolled your eyes. Anyone with an actual brain could tell what's wrong with his words. 

Jean exchanged a glance with you. Barely shaking her head. "What do you think, Venti? Can you summon Dvalin?"

Venti shrugged, spreading his hands, "Although this lyre is the real thing, I doubt that it's going to work. As you can see, the lyre has been through a thousand years of history. Its Anemo power has run dry. In this condition, you couldn't play music fit for even Diluc's tavern with it..."

Diluc frowned, "Bards fight to get on the stage of my tavern. Don't make assumptions!" 

Paimon gaped at him in disbelief, "Is that really important right now, Master Diluc!? And you - did you just borrow the Holy Lyre to play music for drunkards to hear?"

"Hehe."

Paimon's eyes widened in a cartoon like way, "What do you mean "hehe"!?"

"Anyway, we won't be able to call Dvalin with it." You sniggered at Aether's expression, if you didn't know the plot before hand, you would've slapped Venti.

Venti hurriedly changed his words upon Aether's emotionless face. "The lyre itself is fine, but the strings..."

You patted Aether's shoulder, "Time for you to do your lil magic."

"M-me?"

“He never said that it was broken."

He nodded, "It's just that the anemo power is diminished."

You leaned to Aether's ear, "Use the tear drop thingy."

His eyes widened, "I- I never told you about that." He hissed.

You fluttered your eyelashes, "Shut up and do it."

Venti grinned, "It worked, as expected. 

"This youthful glow..." Jean muttered.

"Praising yourself?" Paimon gasped flabbergasted.

"It's not just a youthful glow, it fucking changed colors." You commented.

Jean raised a brow, "KEUGH KEUGH I said nothing." You waved your hands.

She sighed in exasperation, "...I was talking about the Holy Lyre."

"Thanks to Aether having purified the crystal, the Holy Lyre won't continue to lose power. That said, its power is far from replenished. It'd be great if we could get more tears."

"We'll-"

"Wait." Your eyebrows furrowed. "Jean, you didn't pay us yet."

Paimon slapped her forehead. "Oh yeah! Paimon forgot about that too!"

"Oh and we rented out a place instead of going to the inn..." you smiled largely.

Jean smiled lightly, "I'll send all of the rewards after Dvalin no longer threatens Mondstadt."

"Then the water bodies..." you wiggled your eyebrows, sparkles in your eyes.

"After Albedo finishes his experimentations."

"Ok, we'll help."

Venti's eyes remained unfocused, "Suffering alone in some deserted place..." he muttered.

"Dvalin..."

Paimon's expression turned from confusion to sadness, "Poor baby..."

"This is not something that an Honorary Knight and Y/N can accomplish alone. I will mobilize the rest of knights to assist. When you get the Teardrop Crystal, please let Aether perform the purification process."

"Leave it to me."

"Heroes supporting each other and setting out on a journey together... How exciting! Lemme come up with a song for you..." 

You and Paimon side eyed him. "Is that all you're going to do? Just sing?" Paimon screeched.

"Wouldn't be much of a bard if I didn't now, would I?"

"Hmph. You're so cheeky...You deserve an ugly nickname." Paimon, nooo, stop giving people that can one shot us ugly nicknames..."Oh, Paimon knows! From now on, you'll be known as 'Tone-Deaf Bard'!"

-.-.-

(Thousand Winds Temple)

"The ruin guards aren't attacking us..." Paimon scratched her head. "OH YEAH! It's Y/N's ability!"

A strange expression emerged on Diluc's face before returning back to normal.

You coughed slightly, "I think ya'll need to kill it though, how else are you going to get that crystal?"

Jean turned to you. "Y/N, do you want to try?"

"M-me?"

"Yes, I've been wondering how it would react when you attack it." Strong curiosity could be seen through her cerulean eyes.

"But-"

"I'll pay for your rent until you leave."

"Sure!"

Your catalyst appeared besides you.

Aether gaped at you, "Where did you get that?!"

You smirked, "It's called having friends."

It didn't take too long for your smile to drop. "Oh fuck I can barely even fight. What if I fucking die?" You dragged your legs behind you.

Taking a deep breath, a ball of Anemo appeared in your hands.

The ruin guard stared down at you, as if frozen in place. As the ball of Anemo became larger and larger, you felt horrified when you noticed that it wouldn't stop.

"Y/N! That's enough to knock him out!" Aether yelled, he had no idea why you were suddenly so strong, the Anemo ball was stronger than his tornado, his eyes widened as it slowly grew to be twice your size. 

Jean frowned. "Is this her first time?"

Aether paused. "I have no idea but she's definitely never summoned such a large ball."

Jean's eyes narrowed, "I'll have to knock her out if she can't control it, she'll end up in a coma if this continues, she'll also create a large enough storm to cover up the whole of Mondstadt if this Anemo ball continues increasing."

The ruin guard stared down at you. "HELP ME!" You screamed, your hair covering your face. You could feel the large amount of Anemo gathering in your body. In a blue screen that only you could see, you noticed your experience increasing in large amounts.

It was a good thing but you felt chills on your spine, you were going to faint by the enormous amount of energy roaring inside of you. It felt refreshing, but in contrast you could feel your body getting tired. You might die if this continues on.

Suddenly, you felt your body getting lighter. Lifting your head, you noticed that the ruin guard slowly walked towards the Anemo ball. As its arm touched the ball, you felt yourself regaining control of the elemental energy. 

"Is it, killing itself?" Paimon shrieked. 

The machine continued to walk towards you, its gears getting ripped and turned into metal dust by the reckless energy.

You panted, staggering as the entire ruin guard turned into metal dust before disappearing, a precious chest dropping in its place.

"That was unexpected." Diluc's questioning gaze landed on you before striding towards the chest.

"To sacrifice itself so that you wouldn't be depleted of elemental energy. This... is indeed very unexpected. Your pet slimes don't even seem as odd now that I think of it." Jean handed you a potion.

"This will replenish the lost energy in your body. Sucrose created the formula by accident. I'll introduce you to her soon. Sorry for almost knocking you out." 

"It's fine. I didn't expect this too."

"I'll bring you to Albedo when he comes back with results with the samples across Mondstadt."

"Sorry, but umm... Paimon has been wondering since yesterday, what are you guys talking about?" Paimon giggled nervously.

"Oh? Is there a problem with Mondstadt's water? I was wondering why I saw Kaeya near the Dawn Winery." 

Remembering the sample of water that Keyarye 'accidentally' dropped, a small bottle appeared in your hands. The moment you returned back home, you had split the sample of the concentrated substance in portions. You were going to give one of them to Albedo but he was probably cooped up somewhere doing experiments.

"Oh yeah! I almost forgot. You might want to give this to Albedo, he can compare it to other samples." The concentrated liquid wasn't like the diluted samples, it looked like water but to the keen eye, some differences could be spotted. From the minty tint to the light sweet smell.

"Thank you Y/N." Obviously, Jean noticed the differences, hopefully she'd give you a raise.

Clearing your throat, "Did you guys seriously not notice how all the plants around the lakes look kinda wilted and how there's less and less fish? Why'd you think a bunch of knights gathered samples of the water bodies. And come on Aether! You legit go out every single day. How brain dead are you?"

Paimon coughed, "Anywayyyy, Paimon didn't think we'd find Dvalin's tears in a place like this."

"As knights, we are taught to hone our investigative skills."

"And I ended up in prison because three knights thought I was a spy." You grumbled.

Jean sighed, holding her head. "I'll double your pay if you stop talking about that during work."

Your eyes sparkled in joy, "Ok Grandmaster!

-.-.-

(Whispering woods)

"Jean...has a turtle..." Paimon whispered dazed. "Diluc...has a turtle?...too?!"

"Paimon... Are you ok?" You poked her tummy. "Paimon... You gained weight again."

Paimon turned to you, her eyes unfocused, "Hey Y/N, did you have a pet turtle when you were young?"

"Yeah. I had...five or something but they all died because of sickness. Maybe something else."

"Y/N... had five turtles.... turtles...Ehehehe, turtles..."

Your face scrunched up. "She's..."

"Yeah, let's ignore her. Let her be in her lil world." Aether muttered. Yup, Aether sounded more and more like a Gen Z through your influence.

[risetherivermoon]

Some s1 kids/kiddads art of an au im working my mind out on! basically a typical fantasy/faerun type au but my own little twist on it :))

heres some info cards about them in this specific universe as well as some rambling:

im also probably gonna make one of these for the dads as well because this au has become some brainrot lol, i had a lot of fun designing lark and sparrows outfits because i always imagine oakvale wear being white gold and green so i kinda really leaned into with that. Nick as a tiefling is fun and silly to me teehee, as well as terry jr as a vampire. Its just a bunch of magical people and then grant lmao

i like terry and ron having a found family type of bond, and i promise ron will end up meeting samantha at some point lol, and i have a lot of notes about ron's character because of his background and everything, they aren't all supposed to fit into specific dnd archetypes or classes, but some of them like sparrow, nick, and terry have actual dnd classes lol, im really just fucking around with the loose concept of faerun, tbh i kinda see nick as both a bard and a fighter type of character? yk?

the necklaces with the single green bead that both lark and sparrow wear actually hold some cultural meaning for oakvale that im still working on, but i came up with the concept a while back so we'll see if i decide to talk about it

their stories do end up intertwining but this is the basic background info about their stories, and there will be more revealed when i get into making the s1 dads info cards as well.

terry and the twins probably took the longest to color and draw because of how many details are on both of them, especially terry's parasol bc i drew that without looking up a reference so i do hope it actually looks like an umbrella...nick was a bit hard to draw just because his face is partially covered and grant was actually fairly easy and i love how his design came out since ive been attempting to figure out a s1/teen design for him for a bit, obviously this isn't it because he's in fantasy attire but it's close enough that i have the gist of the idea..i made him look so pale lol, i imagine carol is pretty pasty and darryl isn't too tan either so...white boy is very white indeed

anywayys thats some of my funky lil au lol

(here are the dads!)

[sadistic-kiss]

it's lore anon again! 🙆🏻‍♀️ Long time since I barged in the chef's kitchen ehehe

I've been wondering about the initial gentle treatment from Raven's first alpha encounter (Toji and Sukuna) after escaping. I recall you wrote the bards to be Megs (Toji's son, duh) and Yuji (as Sukuna's brother) and they were the first to comment that Raven's like, a different person (mostly Yuji from what I remember). I kinda wonder if one of em ever mentioned Raven was lil off to their dad/bro.

Also now that I think about it, how awkward would that be, being bosses around by a complete bitch the whole time and going "damn I hope pa doesn't bang that one". Like you're work involves you knowing your relative is gonna lay one of your clients 💀 love your writing!!

How can you barge into my kitchen when the door was already open for you 😏

So I’ll give you some background to the situation but it will be explained in more details later.

The ball that is following Raven used to watch all of the omegas for a couple of months. The alphas couldn’t decide together in which omega they wanted so they agreed to just go with dove as a last ditch effort. They didn’t really see an omega they truly wanted. That’s where the game comes in. When we play as dove we are trying to get the alphas to love us but dove in a sense is just a blank slate.

Raven was much too bitchy for their liking, only Sukuna liked her but in a way to be challenged if that makes sense. So she had like the lowest votes.

So the ball ended up following dove around until one interaction occurs between reader and Dove- within this one interaction they were able to see something was suspicious because we didn’t follow ravens mean mo. So they got curious of us and had the ball follow us and watched us do completely DIFFERENT things than they had first witnessed. Of course we as the reader/character don’t know the ball even existed but when we figure it out we are like that kind of makes sense because how would you lose and gain love points in the game when your alphas weren’t even around for it?

Needless to say within the span of us being there they watched and found us truly fascinating. Especially since we knew certain things we most certainly should not have known. Nanami was the only one against us because he felt like we were too good to be true and very suspicious of us since our attitude changed out of the blue. So he was for sure expecting us to give it out all when they arrived that is until… WE FUCKING RAN AWAY!

So then they are like wtf????!

So they watch us more. Becoming increasingly more interested in us and falling in love with our choices without us even realizing it. We were kind to people, we were strong, and we were independent and gave zero fucks, but we were also cute and shy about certain things.

And that’s how we got to where we are now ~

We just continue to blow their minds lol.

So…hmmm did I answer your question lol XD

Oh yes Megumi and Yuuji kind of do their own thing, they aren’t as close to Toji and Sukuna like you think. So it wasn’t that weird for them lol. Toji is still kind of a deadbeat in this and Sukuna isn’t the nicest to his brother but he considers it tough love 😂. But Megumi’s and Yuuji just play and enjoy music while traveling together like the cute couple they are ✨

If there’s something I didn’t answer please ask me haha I try my best to answer without spoiling too much 👌

[cyberphuck]

ROYAL ASSASSIN ABRIDGED: PART ONE My friend Razz wants to understand my shitposting about Robin Hobb’s Farseer Trilogy, but they don’t want to actually have to read the books, so I’m summarizing it for them (and you)! When we last left Fitzy-Fitz, it was a really fucking long time ago, sorry, I stopped going to church and learned to chainsmoke (and this book is LONG, I mean it’s LOOOOOOONG, so I kept avoiding getting started on Abridging it, lmao). You can brush up on the frankly insane amount of different characters here at the Royal Assassin Cast of Characters post, or find the links to the rest of the Farseer Trilogy Abridged series here at this link here.

- Fitz awakens one fine October morning in a bed at Jhaampe hospital, where he's been recovering from being poisoned and poisoned and bludgeoned and kicked and drowned. At first he was having eighty seizures a day, but now that it's down to only twenty-five seizures a day, he and Burrich figure it's high time for the two of them to skedaddle before they get snowed in.

  Then, exactly like that scene in Attack on Titan where Eren reaches for a spoon and accidentally turns into a Titan, Fitz drops a spoon and accidentally turns into a seizure. It's a lot less cool. He wakes up hours later back in the same damn hospital bed with Jonqui the King's Sister and now healer sitting beside him.

  "This sucks," he whines.

  "Time heals all wounds, Pull-Out Fail," Jonqui says sagely.

  "Shut the fuck up. I'm fifteen and obviously know a lot more than you about healing, and I've decided I'm never going to get better."

  Burrich strides healthily into the room with a swanky new skunk stripe in his hair where his skull was recently cracked open. "What-ho, Lil Accident, are you ready to go back to Buckkeep?"

  "No. Everybody's gonna make fun of me. You go back without me."

  "So long as you wear that collar," Burrich says solemnly, "I must follow you."

  Fitz touches the black collar with the word DADDY on it in gold letters. "The way you followed my father?"

  "Yes."

  "Was it like, a sex thing?"

  Burrich, who has enough hidden piercings to set off a metal detector at twenty paces, asks, "Are we going back to Buckkeep or what? I'm getting kind of bored sitting here watching you do the Harlem Shake."

  "Also, I heard that Molly's candle shop was foreclosed on and she had to go live with relatives in a town that's about to be raided by Vikings," The Fool says from under the bed.

  "Gosh, I wish I could talk to King Shrewd or the Fool or find out what's happening to Molly," Fitz sighs, then sits up as the room fills with the wavy lines and harp glissando of a dream sequence.

  "Wake up, King Shrewd," the Fool says. He's sitting on a chair, not under the bed or in a hay bale for once, and Fitz finds it extremely disturbing.

  "Fool? What are you doing here?"

  "Oh, King Shrewd and not Fitz, I have to be here because you're sick and old," the Fool fools. "Here, let me fluff your pillows and feed you soup."

  "This is so weird," Shrewd-Fitz says. "I feel like... oh, the Skill line is ringing. What? Vikings are viking Siltbay so late in the fall?"

  "You know, it's creepy when you talk to yourself like that," the Fool mutters.

  But Shitz (Shrewd-Fitz) is already on a Skill video call, watching the Red-Ship Raiders pulling up onto the coast. Vikings run through the town, viking everything in sight. The raiders are wading through blood up to their knees, people are running around headless and on fire, it's awful. The raiders aren't even stealing anything-- they're just wrecking stuff, which anyone who's been to a Raiders game can attest to (go Cowboys).

  "Fool," Shitz says. "You can see the future, right?"

  "This is a weird time to reveal that particular nugget of information, but sure. Let's see... ah, yes. I see a bard who can't fucking read the room trying to find a rhyme for 'dismembered child.' That is not something Jaydee made up, it's a real line from the book."

  "Thank you, Fool, that's extremely fucked up," Shitz says. "Oh wait, who's this on the video call... It's Molly! Oh SHIT, it's Molly and Vikings are going to vike her!"

  But Molly wasn't called Molly Nosebleed as a kid because she's a trembling little violet. A Viking tries to vike her and she stabs him to death, whirls around and shouts "WHO WANTS SOME, MOTHERFUCKERS?!"

  Then a house falls on her.

  "Oh god, oh fuck," Shitz says, panicking. "Fool, use your future vision and tell me if Molly's okay!"

  "A bunch of women died in a bunch of horrible ways," the Fool says. "Do you want me to list them?"

  "No," Shitz says, and so the Fool doesn't spend two pages describing the graphic sexual assault, murder, and maiming of a bunch of townsfolk. Shitz sits back in his bed. "Run off and let Verity know Siltbay is being viked."

  Ever loyal, the Fool cartwheels down the stairs. Then Shitz sighs and says, "Man, being old sucks."

  "Yes it does, so quit your fucking whining about your little seizures and come home," Shrewd says, and ends the Skill call.

  The next morning, Fitz-Fitz packs up his stuff and heads out with Burrich and Hands to make the long boring trip back to Buckkeep.

The return to Buckkeep sucks especially hard because they have to take the 99 instead of the I-5 like last time, and Fitz is getting carsick. Along the way they keep having to stay in incredibly sketch Super 8s, which wouldn't be that bad (free soap and free weird smells!) but Burrich and Hands overhear someone standing out in the hallway talking loudly on their phone about how much King Shrewd fucking sucks.

  "Yeah he keeps raising taxes to 'defend our country' or whatever but Vikings are still viking the beach towns as much as they want," had said the Buckboi in the hallway. "You know who rules, though, Prince Regal!"

  "What towns did Buckboi say were viked?" Fitz asks.

  "A town no one cares about," Hands answers solemnly, "and the one where Molly had a house fall on her."

  After that incident, Burrich decides that they're gonna make the rest of the trip using surface streets and driving through people's yards. "If Regal finds out you're out here, he'll send someone to kill you," Burrich explains. "Verity's definitely not gonna protect you."

  "Is that because he consistently sees me as a tool first and a family member and human being second?"

  "Look," Hands interrupts. "I see Buckkeep-shaped lights in the distance." They ride up to the gates, which are guarded by a kid who was born a thousand years too early to be the squeaky-voiced teen working at the drive-thru. “Halt,” he squeaks. “Who the fuck are you?“

  Burrich scoffs. ”Who the fuck are YOU?“

  ”I asked you first!“

  ”I asked you sec—“

  ”All right, all right, who's holding up the line?“ The last book had a rich and exhausting cast of random extras murmuring in the background, but this one used all of their budget on talking CGI wolves, so they had to fire most of them and give almost all of their lines to Blade, The Guard Captain. His job is to appear at important moments and say things like 'hear, hear!' and 'how big WAS she?' “Holy shit, it's Burrich! Twitter said you and Chivalry's Post Nut Regret were dead!”

  “It's called X now,” Fitz says, emerging dramatically from the shadows.

  “Oh.” Blade says, while four of the other guards die of secondhand embarrassment. “H-hi, Chivalry's Pos... I mean... Fitz. You uh. Did you have a nice trip? Hey, you... did something with your hair, it looks... it looks good!”

  “Prince Regal was going around telling everyone I was dead, wasn't he,” Fitz says flatly.

  “Sometimes I can still hear his voice,“ Regal sighs from somewhere in the castle.

  ”What? No. What?? No! What?! No!“ Blade laughs as six more guards thud to the ground. ”No, of course not! It was just, you know, like, you know. YOU know. You know. I didn't really believe you were dead, I did retweet the link Regal posted but I commented with 'big if true,' so it wasn't really...”

  Fitz smiles. “Ho ho ho, Captain, don't worry your sweet little tits about it. Everyone falls victim to misinformation from time to time, and I accept the apology I assume you were about to provide me. Do carry about your business.”

  Halfway up to the stables, Burrich pulls Fitz aside. “Listen, Lil Accident, we're not at Grandma's house anymore,” he hisses. “You can't talk to people like you matter or Regal's gonna get his panties in a knot about it.”

  “And then he'll choke me,” Fitz agrees.

  “What?”

  “With his knotted up panties.“

  ”I'm also still alive,“ Hands offers after a long silence. ”Fitz, you're too weak and pathetic to wax your own horse, let me do it.“

  ”But...“

  ”Come on, Fitz, let Hands, my new favorite child, take care of the important work.“ Burrich takes Fitz's arm. ”Now go on up to the castle, that collar is making everybody question their sexuality.“

  ”What's a sexuality?“ Fitz asks, just before he's shoved into the castle, screen door banging behind him.

  Inside, Fitz looks around and notices that the place looks cleaner than it had before he'd left on the world's worst road trip. All the beer cans and ash trays have been cleaned up, someone's taken down the band posters and put up tasteful watercolors of succulents, and the 'NICE COCK' that had been scrawled above the toilet has been replaced with 'live laugh love.'

  ”Wrow,“ muses Fitz as he passes a sign on Verity's door that reads 'IF THE WARSHIP'S A-ROCKIN', DON'T COME A-KNOCKIN'. ”I'm kinda gonna miss the crusty sock smell. Good thing my room still reeks like teenaged boy.“

[asexual-disaster]

‼️FHJY EP 2 SPOILERS ‼️

all my thoughts about episode two of junior year !! it’s a long one :)

The little scenes when they describe their attacks and moves where the minis are acting it out is so cute

‘A mega version of Riz’s mage hand’

They all look so good. But especially Ally and Murph omg

Adaine’s first turn was actually pretty sick

And Gorgugs wtf

AND KRISTENS TO MAKE IT BLOODED PLS

‘Do you have mass healing word? Would you be interested in doing that?’

‘Brennan you’re literally bullying us’

‘You can try, oh it does hit’

ARMOUR OF AYDA crying

These beans are DUE

Murph starting to roll like shit again

Fabian flirting with efac again

‘I punch the mirror’ ‘I punch Kristen twice’

Lou Nat one again to get out the van ‘I’m going to throw up’

In two turns Lou only needs a 2 to not get crushed by the van, and twice he rolls a nat one

‘For you to half or third or whatever you do since it has multiple attacks’

Adaine death fail instead of taking a Dex save wtf

‘You don’t have it written down! I thought you read the book’

ECAF NOOOO

‘Look somewhere else’

I need a full story of Balthazar and Duggan, THEY WERE LOVERS

Murphs sleeves being short enough to show off his tattoos, I might disintegrate

What is with these kids and crashing vehicles

Ally throwing their dice

‘With my wizarding powers and my absolutely fucked van’

‘Just don’t roll a one and this is over.’ ‘NAT 20’

Gorgug IS the greatest wizard of our time

DUGGAN NO. At least he’s with Balthazar now :(

Moggy the doggy crit <3

‘Can I get under that hood a lil bit’

‘Give me a tinkerers room check’ ‘I don’t have that’

‘It’s limp silk’

‘Fabian, photosynthesis is back!!’

It just ain’t the same

‘I don’t even cutting words. I just take it’

‘I’m feeling a little unhinged’

‘Love is love’

Gorgug double crit, my boy <3

The enemy rolling two Nat ones and shooting himself in the eye

Murph dying of laughter of these guys showing up late

‘Nat 20’ ‘are you serious?’ Balthazar is everywhere

Adaine would’ve got a job, Fabian would’ve gone to dance camp, Gorgug would’ve worked on his van ; THEYRE JUST KIDS

But Riz is just happy they got to spend the summer together STOP MY SON

‘I do a half hearted prayer of healing just because I don’t trust you’

‘This was supposed to be an in and out deal but I got involved and I regret it’

‘Hey girlie,,, heyyy girlieee’

HALLARIEL ART, UGH SHES SO HOT

Gilear x Hallerial wedding WHEN

There’s something so sad about Fabian, who’s been coddled his whole life, being abandoned and left to fend for himself in a massive house

SKLONDA MY FIRST AND ONLY LOVE

Sklonda talking to Riz about college and how she doesn’t know if she can afford it for him

Riz just wants to go to college with everyone stop :(( him and adaine are fine there grades are good, but he needs to make sure he finds a place that suits the others please!!!!

WILMA AND DIGBY I LOVE U !! THEYRE SO CUTE

WAIT DID GORGUG AND ZELDA BREAK UP?? THEY ARE NOT THE COUPLE THAT WAS MEANT TO SPLIT !! Although calling it rn they’re getting back together

‘The elven oracle, the Saint of mystery and doubt, and the archdevil of rebellion’ THATS MY GIRLS!!!

RAGH AND LYDIA ART I MIGHT SOB

Kristen never told anyone she changed gods (I guess twice now?), Fig still hasn’t been to a bard class. They’re so funny

WE GOT AYDA ART!!!!

Ayda leaving Fig fossils to say she loves her her!!

Aelwyn putting protective wards on adaines bedroom to keep adaine safe :((

Cassandra my love,, but also it should not be up to a literal child who has just came out a religious cult to keep you alive and all that.

[whoblewboobear]

Hiiii!!! 📓

Hellooo hiii~ and OUGHHH Thank u 🥰 

So I pretty much rapid fire throw all my lil fic blurbs that I’ll probably never write on here but one of them that hasn’t entirely gotten its own spotlight is Porter’s backstory/character study. It’s mainly in bits and pieces but I’ve thought about it ALOT. I’ve rattled man around my brain for so long to figure out WHY he’s like that. Sooo I’m gonna scream about what I think his deal is for a lil bit~ A lot a bit actually lmao so it’s going under a read more 🤧✌️

~ The minute Porter was born his parents chose war over him. Handed him off to his grandparents the moment they’d both be able to go straight back into battle to defend the sunstone clan. He was left with his Paternal grandparents where they pretty much raised him like a soldier. He was homeschooled and along side his regular lessons like Common and Math, a lot of history lessons came from his grandfather who was a big war guy. He loaded Porter up on so many texts about wars that have passed, tactics each army used, etc. This is where Porter’s love for history comes in. 

He also learned cooking from his grandma and a little bit of sewing because she believed martial classes should always have their own form of mending in their back pocket. “There wont always be a caster around to do the small stuff.” Porter disagrees heavily in present day. He can sew and it’s a skill he kept up with but he almost exclusively dates casters that don’t mind using a quick mending on some of his things. 

(Jace sees this, realizes this, and then punches Porter so hard in the arm when he finds him sewing a pair of his pants bc “you ask me to mend your clothes all the time! You can sew?!” Jace doesn’t mind but he does give Porter shit about it from now on. But enough about Jace. For once this ain’t about him 😗✌️) 

Porter was definitely way closer to his grandma. She taught him everything she knew about divinity. Very very devout woman. She 100% believed in Ankarna as a goddess of Justice because she thought what the clan was doing WAS justice. With Porter’s grandfather, he makes it very clear during sparring and fighting practice that their goddess is weak and needs to be changed for the better and that Porter could be the one to do it. He has that drilled into him from such an early age too. Like imagine little 12 year old Porter being told “you’ll be the next champion, you will take back what we deserve.” It’s a lot of pressure. The war ended some years ago, but his parents died for this cause. He owes it to them to at least try. 

His clan is mostly in hiding. Somewhere high up in the mountains of chaos. I like to imagine that it’s the Cliffbreakers and a few other giantkin that found a home there. It’s prominent enough but secluded enough that adventurers pass through every now and then to trade or get in a long rest for the night. Porter loves sneaking out and watching them. He’s never seen so many different kinds of interesting and well traveled people before. By the time he’s 16 he’s a little tired of his training. There hasn’t been a war in quite sometime. Adventuring is where the battle is. 

One night the rogue of a visiting party has spied him watching the last few nights and offers for Porter to join. So he does and he likes the conversation and their stories. Their bard sing folk songs that are so new and different from the ones his grandmother used to sing him to sleep with. This is new and exciting and when the party offers for him to join he jumps at the chance. He leaves a letter, steals his dad’s old war hammer, and heads off with them just as dawn is breaking. 

He stays with that party into his late teens. He’s maybe 19 by the time the party raises concerns with their cleric’s closeness to Porter. Truly a fucking scumbag that was pursuing him when they definitely shouldn’t have been. Porter doesn’t see the issue, he’s confused why everyone is fighting about it or why the first person he’s ever been interested in, maybe even loved is being ousted from the group. They sit him down and explain the nuance but he’s a little too young and a little too angry to understand. So he leaves. 

Porter cycles through about 6 other adventuring parties, being messy the entire time too bc he absolutely does date at least one person from every new party he joins. He doesn’t mean to it just sorta happens 🤭 he’s partial to mages. He’s so fascinated by the concept of magic. Sure he’s still in touch with his faith and the little magic he can do because of it is nice but it’s not raw unadulterated power. 

By the time he’s maybe 36 he’s with a been with a sorcerer woman for about 3 years, he’s happy. He loves her, they had a small wedding when they stopped in a quaint and homey woodland town. She helps a lot with his temper when the rage is a little too much. One day she comes to him and says it might be time for them to stop adventuring. He’s confused until she places her hand on her stomach and says they’re having a baby. He’s scared but overjoyed. He loves kids. He used to babysit here and there with his grandma back home. So they do it. They break off from the party and settle in a town not too farm from Elmville.

Porter takes small quests here and there to keep them afloat. It’s not much and it’s not particularly interesting but he’s happy at home. Until he isn’t. After his wife has their baby girl, they’re constantly fighting. Fighting to the point of hurting each other. It isn’t pretty and they try to keep it from their little girl but god the older she gets the more she notices and that’s when Porter and his wife sit down and discuss separating. She tells him he can get settled before they discuss co-parenting and he agrees. He moves to Elmville, finds that the big adventuring high school in town is looking for a barbarian teacher. He feels qualified enough. Maybe it’s the arrogance and the ego talking but he feels like he can do it. So he applies and honestly, it’s such a weird interview. It’s so bizarre. Arthur is so strange but he hires Porter on the spot. With his teaching money he can finally afford an apartment. About a month or so of him getting settled his ex wife calls and says a letter from his grandmother came to the house. Porter made trips back to the mountains every few years but it became a lot less after his grandfather died. It was all a little too difficult for him to be back there. 

When he gets the letter, it’s from the doctor that lives in his childhood community saying that Porter’s grandmother is sick. Not on deaths door sick but sick enough that she needs someone to look after her. It’s not even a question in his mind to move her in with him. He takes care of her and he works, and eventually he starts co-parenting. His life is alright.

Sometime around late freshman year or the summer after his grandmother takes a turn for the worst and passes. It’s a bit much and it’s not fair and his heart hurts so fucking much. And somewhere in his grief he hatches a plan. To become a god and fulfill his role as champion long enough to kill god and take her place. He’ll burn the world to the ground if he has to. To make his family and his ancestors proud.

[britcision]

Listen.

Sometimes you go to bed on time.

And sometimes you stay up to 5am world building and make one of your continents a semi-closed hole to the Plane of Magic, where residuum is dirt cheap

(And sometimes broken cuz of the pre-campaign almost-apocalypse so it both grows and crumbles like rock candy)

And the prevalence of magical energy makes a large chunk of the population sorcerers (they were already a high genasi population it made sense) so they have a really cool teleportation network which is both cheaper and more expensive than every other country’s teleportation network

(Because they have so much spare residuum just lying around so you pay by distance rather than by how much you’re bringing through, and teleporting through 6 small towns is cheaper than teleporting directly to the big city to encourage you to trade more with smaller towns)

But that’s necessary because it’s also Fantasy Russia But It’s Always Winter, so travelling above ground through the snow is a fucking nightmare in general anyway and being able to just teleport everyone around all the time is safer for everyone

(And if your cousin Sergei works at the teleportation depo and has a free spell slot he can just pop you over to the next village at the end of his shift it’s fine no one will notice)

And also everyone’s evolving into gnomes. Real slowly. But like, super fast in evolutionary terms. Lots of stocky lil yak firbolg and chonky dragonborn

And also the queen’s a gnome named Frozana Nobblegebble who may or may not legitimately be part of the previous ruling family but it’s really hard to prove because of the aforementioned pre-campaign almost-apocalypse

She says she is and she saved the whole damn continent what are you gonna do, argue?

Also the bard eats residuum now. But only the weird and broken kind. Until someone hands him the normal stuff.