#he’s so unserious it’s hilarious
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the way pompey gets called ‘pompey magnus’ one time by sulla sarcastically and decides that that is now his full name because he really does think he’s super great
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Sometimes I try to live my life normally but then I remember that when Tim properly met Dick for the first time the man was in full clown makeup.
Theres a foreshadowing joke in that but I can’t quite put it into words.
#I don’t know if I want to make a circus joke or just call Dick a clown#Can’t say he didn’t warn Tim though#batfam#tim drake#dick grayson#please read A Lonely Place of Dying it’s lowkey hilarious#Like 90s Batman is so unserious and it’s trying so hard to be
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guess what i made guys. guess what
#i have so many more but the picture limit hates me#sorry to charles leclerc for giving him all the sad posts. if he didn't want them he shouldnt be such a sad little meow meow#im so unserious#f1#formula 1#f1 shitpost#charles leclerc#lando norris#sebastian vettel#mark webber#oscar piastri#liam lawson#logan sargeant#alexander albon#alex albon#valtteri bottas#valteri bottas#i never know how to spell his name sorry#f1 memes#i know liams one is technically not a tumblr textpost i just think that photo is fucking hilarious and i use it on every occasion
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regained my 12 year old swag(read an entire new percy jackson book in one sitting)
#CHALICE OF THE GODS WAS SO GOOD#AUAUUGHHHUHGHHHGHHHSH#i was laughing out loud every few minutes for like 5 hours straight#this was a book of BITS#(spoilers in tags from here on out)#i keep thinking abt percy’s river rage tantrum and how he came out of it to annabeth saying ‘yeah he’s scary sometimes when he gets worked#up. do you want more tea?’#COMEDY#the entire bit with him hiding under the pastry cart. the thing about annabeth having a secret fanclub and percy’s not even phased.#THE HIMBO JUICE THING. RICK RIORDAN WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THERES A HOOTERS BUT FOR MEN AND SMOOTHIES#annabeth apparently specifically won’t bake clue cupcakes. and this is happening less than 2 years after the famous sixteenth birthday blue#cupcake that she and tyson made for him. the one that looked like a blue brick that they are with their hands.#<— not inconsistency. comedy.#percy’s whole thing with playing with the snakes with the rainbow as he’s fully prepared to be eaten😭😭😭😭😭he is SO unserious#the entire mt olympus scene where he keeps getting distracted from what he’s doing bc he can’t stop roasting zues in his head????#PERCY I LOVE YOU#ugh i forgot how much i adore percy pov.#pov of not knowing what’s going on ever. pov of being distracted every 10 seconds. he’s literally so real#i thought eudora was hilarious#the whole concept that percy has to do this at all. i think it’s so funny#ppl who are mad that the premise of the quests is stupid. like yeah. percy jackson has a stupid life.#when annabeth broke through his window at 4am to sit on his bed and talk about rocks and trees. everything#percy not knowing the names of anyone at his school or on his swim team#when the god showed up at his cafeteria and percy just ate his lasagna sandwich before talking to him😭😭😭😭that child is TIRED#i loved the light graffiti in the tunnel. when percy wrote their initials i SCREAMED#WHEN. WHEN HE ASCENDED AND TURNED INTO RAINBOW LIGHT WITH THE POWER OF WANTING TO TELL ANNABETH HE LOVED HER.#I DIED.#THE POWER OF LOVE ALWAYS SO STRONG‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#AUGH i am weak#pjo
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Since this DLC seems to be exploring Kratos's past and conquering it, I wonder if we'll get a Boat Captain reference or even an appearance!!! Omg!!! What if we get a Boat Captain boss fight??? That would be hilarious!!!
#NonnTalks#It would be so unserious if the Boat Captain just got summoned again from the afterlife#And gets mad when he sees Kratos#He's not even afraid of him anymore#Just upset that he keeps on runing into him#I highly doubt that would happen#But it would be hilarious#GOW#God of War#GOW Ragnarök#God of War Ragnarök#GOW Ragnarök DLC#God of War Ragnarök DLC#GOW Valhalla#God of War Valhalla#Boat Captain#GOW Boat Captain#God of War Boat Captain
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and now for something stupid
#but really i also just wanted to play around w this sort of coloring style bc its been FOREVER since ive used it#and i think i can make it look better now#AND i think i can make more sillay stuff like this and not have it take as long w cleaning up lines#anyway now you all understand the terrible dynamic between these three#phobo's infodump text is just copypasted from the wikipedia page for knives.#julliet ALSO uses knives is the thing so hes actually mansplaining < JOKE#he just wants to share. even if it gives her a headache. but he wouldnt mansplain he doesnt have it in him. hes ok with felonies tho#but julis life hasnt known peace since she was told to take care of the newbies#and shes ALSO a newbie (just slightly less so) so really this is probably just tartarus hazing her#theyd take one look at the two disorganized unserious overeager newbies and think ''you know what would be fucking hilarious''#and pass them onto the neurotic slightly-less-newbie who takes everything as seriously as possible. disaster combination.#i cannot stress enough that this is a group of bandits and murderers theyre NOT above hazing.#deimos actually is doing the best job at it since he is stealing as we speak#i mean hes not supposed to do it to his teammates but still. on the right track#as for the dynamic between deimos and phobos themselves its like. theyre just bros. theyre both pretty similar in personality#except deimos is kinda more mean and cynical while phobos can be kinda. dense and naive despite literally where hes at in life#but most of the time theyre basically beavis and butthead#i would also like to stress that juli is not being homophobic she just already cannot stand these guys and cant believe the audacity#but. complete misunderstanding. karma for stealing wallets ig#this will never be cleared up by anyone ever#but again thats not their dynamic they are just beavis and butthead. and i guess that makes juli daria LOL#finn's ocs#finn's art
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#juice#2pac#tupac#tupac shakur#rony clanton#ever since niggas pointed out how this part of the scene was wild it became hilarious to me#the way he said Raheem was dead was so unserious 😂
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Do you try and figure out who all the names are (aka: have we seen/met any or all of them??) on the boards from The Rookie sneak peek or are you normal 😆⬇️
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PS: love seeing Tim back in uniform! 🆗🔥🤭
#the rookie#the rookie 6x10#sneak peek#investigation#top secret#quigley smitty#he’s so unserious#it’s hilarious#brent huff#more scenes for him#tim bradford#eric winter#angela lopez#alyssa diaz#timgela#bff goals#aaron thorsen#tru valentino#the rookie season 6 finale part two#the rookie season 6 finale#the rookie season 6#yes no maybe#Instagram
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Lucifer really went to Adam like "Well, you might be upset to know that I ALSO fucked your wives"
#the whole fight was epic#and#the fact he was so unserious about it#hilarious#hazbin lucifer#lucifer morningstar#hazbin hotel#snapcube reference
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My hot take on Wang Baoxiang is that he is simultaneously one of the biggest AND worst allies in the Yuan Dynasty
Like, he spends two books trying to make all these closeted gay men around him to get in touch with their feelings about other men…….
but then also proceeds to kill all of them???
#honestly he was rooting for ouyang and esen to get together so much but he was so petty abt it until the very end it’s so hilarious#like the speech he makes for ouyang at the end is literally 'my brother loved you hope you have a happier life next time around idiot'#and with the third prince he just used his whole body to make him overcome internalized homophobia#now that’s commitment#this is both extremely serious and extremely unserious post#sobbb#wang baoxiang why are you like this#the radiant emperor#anyway good night I’ve clearly been online for too long#shitposting
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i like how literally every interaction between spock and bones goes something like this
spock : humans are irrational
bones : shut up spock you’re a green blooded computer of an alien who weighs the worth of human life against a hypothetical outcome . you don’t know what it is to genuinely care for human life because you will never be tormented with a soul that is torn apart by remorse . also u r annoying
[ random kirk exclamation here ]
#bones takes literally everything spock says PERSONALLY and i live for it#he’s literally so funny#mccoy just walks around spouting southernisms but when spock is around he turns into plato#his codeswitch between kirk and spock will never not be fucking hilarious#and spock is just standing there like#🧍♂️#perhaps not doctor#they’re so unserious#spock#s'chn t'gai spock#spock/kirk#mr spock#bones#mccoy#leonard mccoy#bones mccoy#dr mccoy#doctor mccoy#tos mccoy#jim kirk#james t kirk#captain kirk#kirk/spock#tos kirk#tos spock#star trek#star trek tos#star trek the original series#star trek text post#incorrect star trek
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Adam. PLEASE what is this 😭😭
#adam driver#scribblesbyc#I'm sorry he's actually SO much more fucking hilarious than people give him credit for#he genuinely has to be the most serious unserious person on the planet
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there's smth so fucking wild abt 🏹 being like ride or die at first sight and determined to help 🐣 and 🐣 seeing 🏹 and being like no i am gonna randomly attempt to start a fight with you in the hallway in front of multiple people solely because you didn't pass the vibe check
#i mean we all know it was either cause of repressed gay feelings manifesting in a goofy silly mood#that and or some sort of subconscious level karma cause his animal brain could sniff out someone caring abt him#mental illness prey reflex saying GET AWAY FROM ME BITCH!!!#hes so unserious#its the fact on one encounter its literally a matter of life or death and suicidal urges#and the other its literally just a hilarious attempt to cause a random act of violence#this scene is so funny hes just watching like aww its so romantic that he remembered the 3rd most cringe thing ive ever done in my life 💗#the perfect combination of cringing his entire heart out and also being touched that somebody looked at his cringe and thought#damn....i want you#its like that little mermaid meme with the hyper beam thing#meet cute#xxxholic
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x
#okay look. this IS a destiel fic#but i may have accidentally detoured into crossover crackship territory#...and the crackship is dean winchester/barclay tazamnesty#which when you think about it for more than .5 seconds you realize it is objectively hilarious#and just as good if not better than the concept of barclay x stern#YOU FALL FOR THE THING YOU HUNT#AND HE FALLS FOR YOU BACK#AND NEITHER OF YOU KNOW#except imagine that but 100 times more unserious#so like#what im saying is i might post these scenes as a separate fic#so that i dont rob the small percent of spn and amnesty enjoyers#of this goofy ass crossover#while i finish the actual destiel fic LMAO#stuff
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tidal.
but vernon has a point to make, so that’s precisely what he does: “i don’t need a sales pitch. you will never — ever — have to convince me to fuck you.”
pairing: vernon x afab!reader type: one-shot (fluff n’ smut) au: est. relationship wc: 4.8k rating: 18+ a/n: i didn’t plan this whatsoever, but i felt so weirdly compelled to write it that i avoided eye-contact with all of my wips, and now… here we are, lol. cw: pov switch, reader is afab + on their period, gender identity + pronouns aren’t designated, blood mention (obvi), unprotected p in v penetration (ill-advised!!), wee bit of dry-humping (ig?), a lil massage, pet names (baby, sweetheart), self-indulgent ref to a favorite docu of mine, and lastly — vernon (yes, this is a warning 🧍🏻) 🔞 MINORS WHO INTERACT WITH ME AND/OR MY CONTENT WILL BE BLOCKED, WHETHER OR NOT THE CONTENT IS NSFW. I’M AN ADULT WRITING EXCLUSIVELY FOR OTHER ADULTS.
Vernon isn’t blind.
He can see you out of the corner of his eye, laying flat on your back, several unexplained centimeters away from his side. With the duvet clenched in your fists, you stare intensely up at the ceiling, like you’re waiting for it to move — or trying to move it yourself, telekinetically. You keep your bottom lip pinched between your teeth, as if you expect it to make a run for it.
So, yes, Vernon can see you.
He just can’t figure out what’s wrong with you.
For a few minutes, he attempts to pay attention to the documentary lighting up the screen on the wall ahead. You were the one that picked it — some wild tale about mother-daughter recluses in New York — and he finds it hard to give a shit about it without your usual commentary. Your hot takes are his favorite part of any movie night, after all.
He’ll be the first to admit that he’s never been good at keeping his eyes off you. Try as he might, he can’t glue his gaze to the television; each glance in your direction sticks longer than the one before it, testing the waters. Minutes slip away just like this until he completely caves, turns his head fully, and stares at you outright.
You still don’t seem to notice.
His brow scrunches up as he watches you, caught in the middle between concerned, confused, and amused by how absolutely ridiculous you look right now. When he speaks, he tries to sound stern, like he isn’t fighting the urge to laugh.
“Baby?”
“Hmm?” is all he gets in response.
You don’t even look his way. If anything, you tense harder now that his attention is on you.
None of it makes sense. Not the weird gap you’ve left between your body and his, your total refusal to look him in the eye, or the fact that there wasn’t an argument to precipitate any of this distance. It’s a symptom with no apparent cause, and it’s totally baffling. Brain-breaking, even.
Frowning, Vernon scoots himself across the bed to get closer to you.
You don’t reciprocate.
He tugs gently at the hem of your sweatshirt in a silent plea for your attention and receives radio silence in response; unless he counts the way you swallow thickly.
Which, for the record, he does not.
This close, Vernon can feel the anxious energy pulsing out of your tensed-up body in waves, so he leans away and props himself up on his elbow. Desperate to know what broke you and how to fix it, he mutters, “What is happening right now?”
Ope.
It comes out harsher than it was supposed to, reading more like annoyance than worry, so he immediately clears his throat. Gently and with a brush of his knuckles against your hip bone, he tries again: “Are you okay? Did I do something to make you mad at me?”
A fly on the wall might get the wrong impression and think he stroked you with a live wire instead.
“Oh, my god. No!” You sputter with a jolt, shifting gears quickly from vaguely on-edge to horrified. You shake your head so frantically that Vernon fears you’ll detach it. “No, you haven’t done anything. I’m fine, I just —”
He interjects with a laugh, “— I don’t necessarily believe that —”
Visibly cringing with every muscle in your body, you cover your face with your hands. Not long after you take a deep breath does a meek voice slip out through your fingers, sounding beyond embarrassed.
“I’m so incomprehensibly horny right now that I can’t even look at you.”
For a second, it’s dead silent because he can’t quite process how much of a weirdo you are, or how completely and hopelessly enamored he is with you. But then the dam breaks. His laugh comes out so forcefully that you pull your hands away from your face, eyes wide.
“Is that so?” He smirks, nodding his head towards the television. “Grey Gardens really gets your motor running, huh?”
Absolutely aghast, you swat at his bicep. Then, you sling your arm over your eyes and groan, “I got my period. It has turned me into a sex-crazed monster, I fear.”
Vernon nods in understanding, even though you can’t see it, and hums, “Ahh.”
And he leaves it at that, only because you seem to have more that you want to say. Something you want to ask, maybe, or a reason you may want to give for not jumping his bones at the first opportunity. He’s down, he thinks without hesitation, so long as you are.
But you don’t say anything.
Maybe you aren’t actually down after all, and that’s why you won’t look at him. Shit, are you embarrassed? Should I say something? Silence falls overtop like a weighted blanket, smothering the two idiots who can’t tell whose turn it is to talk.
Do you or do you not want this right now?
You mumble something that he can’t catch, so he nudges your side gently with his knuckles to encourage you. Just as nervous, you repeat yourself without looking at him, “Period sex is supposed to help with cramps, I think.”
He thinks he’s read the exact same article you have. More than that, he wishes you’d look over at him and see for yourself how completely unbothered he is by this concept.
“If you think about it, it’s kind of like a natural lubricant,” you add in a voice that’s even smaller than before.
Your shyness really might kill him, so he reaches over to grab your hand and gently pull your arm away from your eyes. It’s the first time you’ve looked at him since you laid down — since you put your self-imposed no-contact order in place — and he feels his stupid heart swell.
For what it’s worth, he feels his dick twitch, too.
You open your mouth to speak again, likely to continue your unnecessary campaigning; Vernon is having none of it. He tugs your wrist just enough to tilt you inward, then he kisses you hard enough to shut you up. A tiny whimper slips out of your lips when he pulls away, and it almost makes him regret his decision to do so.
But Vernon has a point to make, so that’s precisely what he does: “I don’t need a sales pitch. You will never — ever — have to convince me to fuck you.”
Your eyes crinkle at the corners, like this is somehow news to you. It shouldn’t be. He’s told you a thousand times in as many different ways how thoroughly crazy you drive him just by existing so closely to him, but maybe you didn’t take him seriously then.
To emphasize his point, he slips his hand under the hem of your sweatshirt and finds your bare waist with the pad of his thumb. It spirals slowly against your warm skin, making both of you dizzy. Then, sick of the distance, Vernon dips his head down to press a kiss to your temple.
“Like, ever,” he murmurs, lips following the curve of your jaw.
Soft, slow kisses trail behind him as he travels down to your lips. Your head tilts further backwards with every single one, providing him with more and more access.
He states it matter-of-factly because, to him, it is. “I’m down so bad for you that it might be terminal.”
“Oh?”
You try to laugh but turn to putty when his palm rests fully on the curve of your waist and pulls you flush against him. The surprised gasp you let loose confirms his suspicion: You can feel how serious he is, affirmation throbbing against your abdomen in time with his heartbeat.
Vernon smirks to himself, relishing your reaction, and bypasses your mouth entirely. A moan escapes from you, soft like an exhale, as his lips move slowly down the length of your neck. Every so often — just to feel you shiver — he flicks the tip of his tongue along the delicate skin he finds there.
“It might be messy…”
The rest of your needless warning gets lost in a dreamy sigh as he suckles at the spot where your neck meets your shoulder. Shifting even closer, your desperate fingers reach out and cling to his t-shirt.
Vernon licks a stripe over the galaxy blooming on your skin. He hums, hand traveling upwards from your waist, “Don’t care about a mess.”
And he means it.
Mindful of any soreness, he smooths his hand over your left breast and massages it tenderly, swearing to himself that he’ll throw the whole fucking mattress out if that’s what it comes down to. For you, he’ll race across town on foot to buy another one, and — fuck it — if the store is closed, he might just break in.
You’re growing impatient; your fingers let go of his shirt and tangle themselves in his hair.
“So needy,” he chuckles low in his chest, teasing. “You know, I think you’re lying. I think it is this bat-shit insane documentary that’s driving you wild, and you’re too embarrassed to admit it.”
“Stop,” you whine, dragging out the vowel sound.
You don’t, though; you throw your left leg over his right thigh and shimmy forward until your cunt grazes his dick. Involuntarily, he groans at the warmth radiating off your core. Every part of you drives him just the slightest bit insane. You seem to know it, he thinks as he watches your pupils dilate in real time.
But he can play games, too, so he rolls his hips forward and grinds against you. He pushes you further, “Don’t get me wrong, baby. I’m not kink-shaming you —”
“Hansol Vernon Chwe!”
Oh, shit. Government name?
“— I’m just a little surprised, I guess.” He sighs with a shrug. “Think you know somebody…”
Your impatience is scribbled all across your scrunched up face. It seeps into your voice when you crash back against the pillows and huff, “Can you please stop fucking with me and start fucking me?”
“Sex-crazed monster, huh?” Leaning over, Vernon punctuates his question with a quick press of his lips to yours.
You whimper, “I’m so serious. I might explode.”
“Then go take care of whatever you need to take care of.” He kisses you again, smiling so fondly that his eyes may even be twinkling. “And I’ll go get a towel.”
You wait until Vernon clears the threshold before launching yourself out of bed at breakneck speed. Stumbling all the while, you race off to the adjoining bathroom and shut the door forcefully behind you. When it clatters against the frame, you finally admit to yourself that you might be a little bit eager.
Maybe.
Opting to keep your baggy, bleach-stained sweatshirt on, you wiggle out of your shorts and — what he refers to as — your crisis diaper. The high-waisted, frumpy, beige panties are utilized exclusively during your period, and to your surprise, they’ve remained spotless. It’s only ever the pretty and expensive pairs that wind up as collateral damage, isn’t it?
As they pool around your ankles, you can’t help but think that Vernon’s nickname for them is pretty spot on. That’s partly why you figured he might need to be talked into this. Unsated arousal aside, you feel as far from sexy as you can possibly get.
You shake your head to clear your thoughts, kick what you’ve discarded into a pile near the hamper, and let your sweatshirt shift down to cover as much of your ass as it’s capable of managing. You grab a square of toilet paper; then, you go to work excavating the wad of cotton that separates you from everything you want in this life.
It is within the realm of possibility that you’re a little bit eager and a little bit dramatic.
Perhaps.
After discarding the evidence in the small trash can under the sink, you wash your hands as if you’re about to step into an operating theater and not the bedroom you spend half your life in. When you finally feel sterile, you lift your head and catch your reflection in the mirror. Instantly, you make eye contact with the painful, hormonal pimple on your chin — the one you’ve been waging a retinoid war against for days.
“Bitch,” you mutter, like calling it names will be the one thing that finally gets it to shrink. Of course, your plan doesn’t work, but you feel a little less powerless. That’s good enough, you think. At least, as good as it’s going to get.
Now half-naked and certifiably unobstructed, you tiptoe back to your bedroom much more carefully than you left it. Vernon enters from the opposite doorway at the same time, jumping slightly the second he notices you. You ignore his frightened eyes and glance down at the crisp, white towel he’s clutching.
You open your mouth to suggest anything otherwise, but he beats you to it. His eyebrows shoot up his forehead as his mouth widens outwards, a self-aware rectangle. Otherwise expressionless, he lets go of an atonal, “Aaaaaaah”, that tells you he’s caught on.
He says nothing else before turning around and walking back the way he came. You have to bite down on your lips to keep from cackling.
That one’s mine, you think, still as infatuated as you were at the start. I chose that one.
While he’s gone, you try not to move, not to breathe too heavily. Vernon said he didn’t care about a mess, but when he said it, he was speaking theoretically with his hand on your tit. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d spoken recklessly with your body melting under his touch.
As far as you know, he hasn’t had any experience with this mess in practice. He could wind up finding you about as sexy as you currently feel — to wit: not at all. So, erring on the side of caution, you turn yourself into a statue and wait for the boy and his towel to find you again.
When he comes back, he plants a drive-by kiss on your unsuspecting mouth before skirting right around you. With shocking finesse, he grabs the corners of the — thankfully — black towel, which unfurls in the seconds before he flicks it upwards. It lands perfectly in the center of the bed, flat without needing to be fussed with.
“Wow,” he mutters to himself, taking in his clean work with raised eyebrows.
The impressed look is still on his face when he turns around, but you don’t have time to comment on his feat because he laughs as soon as he sees you.
“Kinda look like Donald Duck with the whole top-on, bottom-off situation.”
I chose this one?
You pout with an indignant gasp, crossing your arms over your chest. “I’m not wearing a sailor hat, so…. bad analogy. Rude, even.”
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs as he snakes his arms around your waist and pulls you in close. You stumble a little on your way into him; the jury’s still out about whether it’s his hushed tone or the sudden movement that trips you up.
Between his thumb and index finger, he gently captures your chin. You follow along with his unspoken direction, tilt your face up to meet his. This close, you can see your own reflection in his pupils, black dilating against the warmest shade of brown you’ve ever seen.
Vernon takes a moment of silence as he takes in your features, and he studies them so intently that his eyebrows crinkle on their own. He sighs, sounding so completely serious. “You might get prettier every time I look at you.”
It’s unclear if you’re melting, or gushing; and if it’s the latter, you can’t say which biological process is at fault. Thankfully, the hand at the small of your back keeps your weak knees from buckling when his lips brush over yours.
“Even if you’re dressed like Winnie the Pooh.”
You feel him smirk even before you hear him laugh at his own joke. Then, you feel his hand slide down to cup your bare cheek, squeezing affectionately. You want to tell him that this analogy is still inaccurate because you’re not wearing a crop-top; but he gently instructs you to ditch the sweatshirt and get on the bed, and your body moves automatically. No questions asked.
Carefully, you crawl up onto the mattress, then you center yourself on the towel. Still on your knees, you tilt your head curiously and ask, “Where do you want me?”
“Anywhere,” he breezes, pulling his shirt off and tossing it onto the dresser nearby. He amends, “Everywhere. All the time, and then some.”
“Better be careful,” you tease. “Talking like that might have consequences. You may never be able to get rid of me.”
His joggers are the next to go. Your sanity follows shortly thereafter, hungry eyes lingering on the imprint of his cock underneath his boxer briefs. You have to clamp your mouth shut to keep from drooling.
Brown eyes sparkling, he steps closer to you, kicking his pants aside as he goes. “Be careful,” he echoes, not a hint of cockiness to be found — just softness. “Saying it like a threat doesn’t make me wish it’s not a promise.”
I choose this one.
Crossing all the way to you, Vernon reaches the bed and climbs up with significantly more grace than you did. The mattress dips under his weight as he kneels right in front of you, mirroring your posture and causing your stomach to flip with anticipation.
You can’t help yourself; you lick your lips and look up at him with half-lidded eyes. “Naked, please. Like, right now.”
“Damn, I gotta do this myself?” Incredulous, he holds his hands up while glancing pointedly down at his underwear, then back at you.
You arch an eyebrow, unfazed.
“Depends.” You shrug. “Do you want to keep them? Because I really will rip them off of you.”
He concedes quickly; he always does. Sighing, he shakes his head and tuts, “Sex-crazed monster,” before pushing his briefs down his thighs. His length hangs heavy between you, but you swear you can feel its perfect ache inside you already.
You have a one-track mind, so you don’t hesitate to reach out and wrap your hand around him. A groan crawls up from the bottom of your chest when you feel the weighted warmth of his cock in your palm. You don’t hold that back, either.
“Fuck,” he sighs, head tilting as far backwards as it’ll go. Unexpectedly, he laughs. He doesn’t catch the quizzical look you shoot him, though he explains himself anyway, “Your hands are so fucking cold, but it feels so good.”
Swiping your thumb over his tip, you spread the pre-cum you find there down his shaft and stroke him slowly. He grows harder with every gentle squeeze, every pass of your fist.
“We’re learning a lot of new shit about each other today.” You lean forward to pepper kisses across his collarbones. The hum of your mouth against his skin when you talk makes his cock twitch in your hand. “You might have a temperature kink and a thing for Winnie the Pooh.”
He snorts, nowhere near serious, “Shut the fuck up.”
“Make me,” you counter smugly, and you do mean it.
Vernon tilts his head forward to stare back at you. You’re already turning into a puddle, but if the look he gives you says anything, it’s that your melting isn’t enough for him. His voice is low and velvet-lined when he responds, “How about I just make you cum instead?”
“That could work, yeah.” You shrug.
He runs the pads of his fingers down each side of your waist to your hips, then back again; and each time he does it, you shiver. Reflexively, your back arches, chest pressing against his.
At this, he smirks, “It could? Maybe?”
“We can workshop it.”
“Or,” Vernon so generously offers, “You can turn around and lay down on your stomach. You know, if that’s sufficient.”
It’s not until you whip around and flop down onto the towel that you realize you never responded with words. Oh well. You figure he gets the point, judging by the quiet laughter you hear as he settles with his knees on either side of your upper thighs.
You don’t know what his next move will be — you don’t care, either, as long as he moves in your direction — so you don’t anticipate his palms flattening against your bare back, applying perfect pressure with his thumbs while he rubs away the soreness at the very base of your torso.
“Oh, shit,” you moan, eyes fluttering shut as the heels of his hands work out the tension in your muscles. “Have you always been good at this?”
You feel his chest brush against your shoulder blades when he hovers over you. Against the nape of your neck, he murmurs, “Nope.”
He kisses down your spine, mouth trailing after his hands as they work their way back down your body.
“Lemme guess — you read an article? Studied up?”
You get a snicker, then an affirmative hum, then another kiss. This time, it’s at the curve of your spine, just above your ass. Seconds later, he’s kneading the doughy flesh of your cheeks until your whole fucking body tingles.
That’s when it hits you:
Under normal circumstances, Vernon would be face-first in your pussy by now. Devouring you in earnest, like he’s starving. He can’t do that now — and you don’t blame him — so he’s making up for what you both view as a loss.
God, you want him.
One hand disappears from you, but you don’t have to guess where it went. You can hear the barely-there hiss of breath through his teeth when he takes his cock in that hand; as well as the very faint shift of his palm while he pumps himself.
“You’re gonna have to navigate, baby. I dunno how sensitive you are like this, what’s too much — any of that, so you need to tell me how you want me to move.”
Suddenly dizzy over how badly you need him, all you can muster is a nod. Vernon must want a verbal acknowledgment, though, because he leans back over you with one hand bearing his weight beside your head.
He kisses your shoulder and urges you, “Please say so if you need to stop or switch it up. Don’t wanna hurt you, sweetheart.”
“I will,” you breathe. “But I can’t even articulate how much I need you inside of me right now, so please — pretty please — fuck me.”
The tip of his nose bumps your temple affectionately. Right beside your ear, he teases, “With a cherry on top?” And it vibrates down your whole goddamn spine.
“Vernon!” You whine, burying your face in the comforter. It’s muffled, but you warn him nonetheless, “Don’t make me come back there.”
“Aish. Calm down, sex monster.”
The instinct to twist around and glare at him over your shoulder is strong, but every feral urge you feel is stronger. So, when he tells you to spread yourself open for him and tilt your hips back, you do so without even a hint of complaining.
With the crown of his cock slipping through your folds, inching towards your entrance, you hear him curse under his breath. Suddenly self-conscious, you finally crane your neck to the side and glance back at him.
“We don’t have to,” you whisper. “If it’s gross and you don’t want to anymore, I get it —”
He balks at your suggestion without letting so much as a beat pass. “None of that, sweetheart; no spiraling. I’m just trying to figure out the logistics of, like… how to survive how good this already feels.”
Struck dumb, all you can muster is a peep, “Oh?”
“Shit, yeah.” His response comes in a low groan. “Can you take a deep breath for me?”
It’s a good call on his part, a suggestion you’re glad to have taken, because the pressure of him entering you is intense enough to knock the wind out of you. Empty lungs likely would’ve led to your untimely demise.
You whimper, already overwhelmed with the combination of pain and pleasure; the best kind of ache. The little, breathy moans must freak him out, however, because his fingertips caress your waist as he checks in: “This okay?”
Your limp arm lifts off the mattress, which you’ve melted fully into, and you form a circle with your index finger and thumb to indicate that you’re okay. The light is bright fucking green; you’ve just maxed out your capacity for speech.
Vernon continues his slow thrust forward, giving you ample time to adjust to his size.
“Oh my god,” he grunts, “This is — shit, I can’t believe we haven’t done this before. If I knew how good you’d feel like this, I wouldn’t have waited around for you to ask me.”
That hits like a truck.
He was waiting on you.
You spent months convincing yourself that he’d need to be convinced, and chickening out before you could raise the idea. Months, and months, and months, of craving him during your werewolf transformation; wasting away over a shitty assumption that Vernon is anything like the people you’ve been with before.
Christ.
His credit for putting up with you is long overdue.
Too tongue-tied to speak any of that out loud, you settle for a summary that you hope conveys the message: “I love you so fucking much.”
Mindful of how deep it will push him into your cunt, he leans down over you carefully. Weight balanced on his knees and forearms, he envelopes you in his body heat, trails kisses across your shoulder, and echoes your words back at you between each one.
“Is this too much?” He whispers, rolling his hips slowly.
You feel him everywhere, with every drag of his cock along your walls; and you can’t tell where that throbbing sensation is coming from, him or you.
You shake your head and sigh, “‘s perfect. You’re perfect.”
Like he knows it’ll unravel you, his large hand comes to rest over the back of yours. His fingers slip through the spaces between and squeeze you much more gently than the vice grip you hold on the bedding below you. He keeps holding you — just like this — through every movement.
The sensation of being this surrounded, this loved, this whole crashes over you like a wave and knocks you off balance.
“I’m so close,” you pant, voice as ragged as your breathing. There’s nothing that he isn’t already giving you with every deep, deliberate thrust into your heat; but you beg nonetheless, “Please, please, please —”
His speed doesn’t increase, but the intensity does. The smack of his hips colliding with your ass does, too, and you feel it reverberating in your bones. Buried as far inside of you as he can be, cock tip kissing your cervix with every high tide, length rolling across your g-spot with every low.
You cum so hard — so completely, invoking every single muscle you have — that you forget how to breathe. With a choked-out gasp, you squeeze your eyes shut and let your orgasm devastate you.
“Fuck!”
Vernon gets caught up in the current, too, grinding desperately against you until he’s swept up in your wake. You feel him twitch inside you as his release floods, leaving you so lost in his warmth that you feel boneless underneath him.
His face winds up hidden in the crook of your neck, somewhere amidst the baby hairs that cling to the sheen of your sweat. You feel his lips fluttering against your skin when he laughs, “Oh…my god.”
“Mmphf.” You nod weakly in agreement. Beyond blissed, your body still tingles too much to move.
Slurring, you add, “‘s good. ‘s really…”
The rest of that thought dissolves into something between a moan and a yawn.
Just as tired, Vernon pats your ass cheek affectionately and mumbles, “Well said. No notes.”
You tilt your head far enough to free your face from the sheets. When you do, you find your boyfriend fighting a losing battle to keep his eyes open. In the rare seconds he can, he looks back at you in a daze that seems even more adoring than it does fuck-drunk.
“I think I need to hibernate now,” you announce. “Think you just fucked me so well that I need to take a sabbatical.”
He counter-offers, “Shower first, then sabbatical?”
You wiggle so that you can pull your joint hands to your mouth. You can’t kiss him properly while he’s laid out on top of you, but you can press your lips to the back of his hand and hope he feels how much of you that you pour into it.
“Okay, but, like…. who’s carrying who?”
#j reads.#j’s favs.#vernon rec.#hi jade<3#JADE IM ACTUALLY GONNA#WHEDJDSGJKHGFG WAIT WAIT WAIT Wait WAIT#this hits. almost too specifically rn. i am going THROUGH IT. i HURT. and this has healed my soul in ways i didn't know i needed#no like. help tho. because. bc this is SOOOO vernon. you wrote him so perfectly i'm actually going insane rn I'M GOING INSANE#he's so unserious and yet also just the sweetest of sweethearts oh god. oh i'm feeling so deeply delusional rn#this whole thing was sooooo immaculate i can't even. do words rn wait. wait wait wait#because listen IT'S SO FUNNY. YOU'RE HILARIOUS ACTUALLY but HELLO???? IT WAS SO HOT TOO AND V V MELTY#everything was just sooooo perfectly measured oh my god i need him in ways that i cannot explain nor justify FUCK#i want this exact vernon in my bed RIGHT THIS SECOND. give him TO ME.#pls i'm gonna be thinking about this for weeks. this is a 'come back to on a weekly basis' kinda fic now. holy MOLY.#JADE your mind. i love u. i love u i love u i love u.
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Jurdan gets funnier and funnier the more you think about them and realize how much of a big loser both of them are when it comes to love.
Mfs get married to supposedly "form a trustworthy alliance" -> Cardan exiles Jude the next day to impress her, because apparently his rizz disappears when it truly matters 💀 -> Jude takes it seriously, stays in the human world for months and is salty af -> Cardan cries himself to sleep and writes pathetic little letters to her. Like wow you did that to yourself you dumb bitch 😭
And don't get me STARTED on their dumbass confessions. Cardan's was, I'm pretty sure, 80% on a whim. Like, maybe he had prepared the words in his mind but he didn't plan to confess to her right then and there at such a bad time. Says "well you probably already guessed as much" at the end then RUNS AWAY probably because he's overwhelmed and Jude is left standing there like???? No I fucking didn't guess you liked me lmao??? I'm dumb af bro, should've been this direct from the start :')
And Jude's is also hilarious because she says it kind of hurriedly as soon as they're alone, since she had promised herself to tell him the first moment they get together. Girlie confesses and CARDAN DOESN'T BELIEVE HER 😭 so homegirl has to EXPLAIN in DETAILS when she thinks she started to fall for him, why she started to like him, why she believed he didn't like her and why she felt the need to hide it. And ONLY after that whole ass explanation Cardan's finally like "omg!!! You liked me because I'm clever and funny?!?? Omgggg..."
Those fuckers were really married for months before fumbling their way through awkward confessions because they can't indulge in the thought that the other likes them. Like they were legit EMBARRASSED to admit that they like eachother while being MARRIED. Please this is so unserious, get real.
#the folk of the air#tfota#jurdan#jude x cardan#jude duarte#cardan greenbriar#the cruel prince#the wicked king#the queen of nothing
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