#he’s not that dumb he just likes to torment funny wizard man

[listenupcupcakes]

im going to do an evil

giant solly, like 50 feet or somethin'

lol

10 asks

make America proud son 🫡

(and terrorise merasmus for me because i don't like him)

[enter the Mario power up sound effect]

IS THIS BETTER IR WORSE THAN BEING ONE FOOT TALL?

[shlabam]

TOP TEN COMICS BOOK VILLAINS WE PROBABLY WON’T SEE IN THE MOVIES

Superhero media is the hottest thing going right now. It was true ten years ago when the MCU was in its adolescence, and it’s even truer now. Even with film production on lockdown, Marvel and DC are still planning on literally dozens of their characters entering their respective cinematic universes. However, for the fans of the source material, things can be contentious. For every memorable Tony Stark quip, there’s Superman destroying an entire city because he’s, frankly, kind of dumb now. A major point of contention is how the various popular villains are utilized. Making an intimidating and potent villain in a comic book is very different than in a film. In comics, you have months to establish motive, powers, and backstory before the villain even makes their first move. In films, that all has to be compressed and spilled out in the scarce few minutes when Captain America and Bucky aren’t making bambi eyes at each other. To be concise, some villains adapt perfectly, and some, no matter how good they are in the comics, just don’t. And to be clear, this list is of popular villains who have the possibility of appearing in a big-budget film, so no, you won’t be seeing Ten Eyed Man or Big Wheel in there. Their powers are, respectively, having ten eyes, and being very good in business. (That’s a lie, he’s just a huge wheel who chases Spider-Man.)

10: Mr. Mxyzptlk:

Cool, let’s get this one out of the way. Despite being one of Superman’s oldest, longest-lasting, and most popular enemies from all the way back in the Golden Age, there’s no way in hell he will be in a movie. For the uninformed. Mr. Mxyzptlk is a 5th dimensional wizard-genie who appears every ninety days to torment Superman with his reality-altering antics, and can only be sent back to his home dimension if Superman tricks him into saying his own name backwards. Yes, it would be very dazzling, as Mr. Mxyzptlk’s powers in a movie would basically look like if Christopher Nolan directed Who Framed Roger Rabbit, but he’s a little too silly to fit in with the current “everything is gloomy and also a bummer” tone of the Superman films. This silly tone has lent itself perfectly to the Supergirl series, where he’s made a handful of appearances. Besides, if we get Mxyzptlk in a Superman movie before Brainiac, I’ll lose my entire freaking mind.

9: Hobgoblin:

There have been eight Spider-Man movies so far, and of those eight, four of them have, in some capacity, featured the Green Goblin. And that makes sense, right? The Green Goblin is easily Spider-Man’s most memorable and reoccurring nemesis, with Doctor Octopus and Venom close behind, and Peter Parker’s link with Norman and Harry Osbourn makes their tragic story perfect for film adaptation. On the other hand, we have the Hobgoblin, who is essentially Green Goblin with all the gimmicks, none of the Parker-adjacent backstory, and an orange and blue color scheme, likely tying him to the Denver Broncos [citation needed]. Still, in those four cinematic attempts at tackling the Goblin, none of them have quite gotten him right, and I can’t imagine this character, who is, even in canon, an intentional Green Goblin rip-off, would fare any better.

8: Starro:

Brave and the Bold #28 from 1960 featured the first story with the Justice League, and this story put them up against a very unique new villain: Starro the Conqueror, a giant telepathic starfish who can release tiny versions of himself. If these tiny starfish latch onto your head, you’re under his control and obey his commands. The Justice League have battled him fairly regularly over the last fifty years, and he’s a distinct and powerful enemy that the fans generally appreciate, leading to him being referenced occasionally in Smallville, Arrow, and Flash. Why won’t he ever be in a movie? Because if you’re a Hollywood producer, you stopped paying attention at “giant telepathic starfish”. Sorry. Maybe Shuma-Gorath will pop up in the next Doctor Strange movie, and he’ll set off a Twilight-esque wave of starfish monster movies! Then again, almost absolutely not.

7: Puppet Master:

Speaking of mind control, what’s scarier than that? For my money, nothing. Having your body and will taken away from you by an unseen force is a terror greater than death. How could you possibly make a villain based around such a chilling concept and have him not be scary? Well, maybe if it’s an old bald man in an apron playing with dolls. The Puppet Master is an ongoing threat for the Fantastic Four who is just that: he makes models of his foes out of radioactive clay, and makes them punch themselves and dance around and kiss each other, because he’s, y’know, a weird old man. Why is he such a consistent threat who hasn’t fallen into obscurity like other dumb gimmick-based villains? His stepdaughter, Alicia Masters, is the Thing’s longtime girlfriend. As long as she keeps appearing in movies (including being played by… Kerry Washington? That can’t be right), there’s always a chance he’ll pop up, but I don’t think any movie studio is that stupid, despite the quality of every Fantastic Four movie blatantly defying that prediction.

6: Bizarro:

Superman has always suffered in the villains department. When you’re essentially a god, what can they throw at you? As it turns out, Lex Luthor, almost always. But why not another Superman? Bizarro is essentially that, an imperfect clone of Superman who speaks in opposite speak - “Bizarro am good! Me not punch you until you live!” - and features the same abilities as the Man of Steel. Sounds great, right? Putting a hero against a villain with their same powers has worked for nearly every Marvel movie (shots fired). So why won’t we see him grace our silver screens any time soon? Because they’ve never really figured him out. Is he funny? Is he lethal? Does Kryptonite work on him? If he does everything the opposite of Superman, why does he wear clothes? Isn’t being naked the opposite of being clothed? Bizarro is a major Superman side-character and has made appearances in Smallville and Supergirl, but the idea of him being the Big Bad going toe-to-toe with Henry Cavill doesn’t sound like it would generate a lot of views.

5: Impossible Man:

You remember what I said about Mr. Mxyzptlk? Remember? So take that bit, but everywhere I say Superman, have it say Fantastic Four instead… yeah, that should do it.

4: The Wrecking Crew:

Thor has a unique quirk of having a very cinematic rogues gallery. Sure, most of the movies have pitted him against Loki, but if they were to run him up against the Enchantress, or the Absorbing Man, or Ulik the Troll, or Kurse, or even the Stone Men from Saturn, that’s not a bad movie! However, in one of the attempts to give Thor more of a mortal nemesis, they put him up against the Wrecker, who has an… enchanted… indestructible… crowbar. Yeah. Incredibly, the Wrecker and his Wrecking Crew have become very present characters throughout the Marvel Universe, essentially serving as “jobbers”, being rolled out to get beaten up by the new top hero or villain, but that may not work in a movie, where villains have to be seen as having some level of potency before being struck down. That means we’d need at least a short scene where it seems like Thor might lose to a guy whose power is “crowbar”, and that’s about as likely as an Edward Norton cameo in the next Avengers. Ho boy, they did NOT part on good terms!

3: Clayface:

When the movie-going public goes to see a Batman movie, they generally want something a bit more grounded than your typical superhero fare. After all, Batman has no powers, and therefore the most supernatural thing that should happen in these movies is a gas that makes you smile, or a different gas that makes you think your dead parents are back and disappointed in you. Might wanna put a mouth covering on that mask, Bruce! The one and only they’ve made a movie where Batman fights people with real, off-the-wall super powers (Batman and Robin), it did not go great. And those guys pale in comparison to Clayface, who is, yes, made of clay. In the comics and cartoons, Clayface looks awesome, turning his limbs into weapons and being very challenging to incapacitate, but in a live-action, realistic Batman adventure, we wouldn’t want to see the Dark Knight fight a poop-colored version of the T-1000, especially if it’s got the same chemical composition of a little dreidel that I made.

2: Red Hood:

A relative newcomer to the Batman universe, Red Hood is the revived body of Jason Todd, the second Robin, who was brutally killed by the Joker in one of the most controversial storylines DC Comics ever produced. Literally, fans called a 900 number to tell the writers to kill him off. A 900 number. That’s how much they hated the little turd. Anyway, Jason Todd, whom Batman and the rest of the world believed was dead, was revived by Ra’s al Ghul and became a ruthless villain. Since then, he’s gravitated more to the side of the hero, though one a bit more willing to spill blood than his mentors. Why won’t we see him in the darker, edgier Batman films? Because… that’s Bucky. It’s the same thing that happened in Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Teen sidekick killed in controversial manner, revived by super villain to be a thorn in said hero’s side, later changes his mind and becomes a good guy again, though with enough PTSD to fill a PTSD super store. The two storylines even occurred in the comics in the same year, 2005, to much fanfare and across-the-board declarations of one company ripping off the other, reminding the world of the great Aquaman-Namor debates of the 1940s. Considering that DC’s films have criminally underperformed compared to Marvel’s, the last thing they want to do is be accused of lazy plagiarism, so Jason Todd will likely remain a permanent fixture in the afterlife, hanging out with Batman’s parents and, at the rate that people are coming back from the dead, literally no one else. (Plus, if they can’t even get Robin right, how are they gonna do this?)

1: Mister Sinister:

Yes, he was teased at the end of X-Men Apocalypse, but ignoring that the film underperformed both critically and commercially, Mister Sinister is never going to be in a movie. It would make sense for him to appear, though, right? He’s one of the most present and potent X-Men villains, he’s played crucial roles in many memorable storylines, he’s got a sick cape, but… something a lot of comic book fans tend to overlook is his murky backstory, powers, and motivations. He was a biologist in Victorian London who did genetic experiments on homeless people in the hopes of finding clues about the oncoming threat of mutants. In this time, he unearthed the long-dormant En Sabah Nur, whom you plebeians may know as Apocalypse, and Apocalypse gifted him with great abilities. What abilities you ask? HA HA, good question! At various times, Sinister has displayed: telepathy, telekinesis, energy projection, shape-shifting, regeneration, and teleportation, but these powers will mysteriously disappear whenever they want him to get sliced up real good by Wolverine. Additionally, it has never been made very clear what Sinister wants. Does he seek perfect mastery of the human genome? Does he live to torment Cyclops? Is he a blind follower of Apocalypse? Is he just running through all the different kinds of goatee? Of course, in adaptation, the writers would pick and choose the aspects they’d want to use, but I doubt they’d want to untangle the Christmas lights mess that is Mister Sinister, especially when they’ve got a perfectly good villain whose power is just “magnets”.

[pinktatertots99]

similar to the last fankids i made a batch for my uh...universes i’ve been making. these kiddos are from an alternate. i’ll make the post in a bit but lets intriduce these kiddos first, including a returning face.

________________

your name is lellek vantis. your the child of three of the founders of your world. your described as a crybaby and not good at making friends except for your moirail canope. your like watching ghilbi movies, sewing with your ‘auntie’ jade (not really sewing you just take a leftover felt and pierce the needle through it but it’s a nice destresser) or listening to lo-fi tunes with ‘uncle’ dave.

-------------------

your name is july (jewel-ee) crocker. your the future president...of the crocker company. you have a facination in making sweets just like your mama and dad-uh-you mean ‘uncle’ gam gam, least that’s what they want you to call him...for now. when your not in your first grade class’s poking your sarcastic fun at misume your either dressing up with your cousin dandy and casey, at your mama’s bakery or seromoning gam gam’s church events whilst eating goldfish crackers and 7up...don’t tell gam gam he uses it for his converting events.

=======================

your name is misume serket and you wish to become an adventurer! your lussus gave you a couple stories of the famous mindfang, along with your auntsus (aunt lussus) when she’s back from her space adventurers to encourage your determination to get out by her own stories! you can’t now, but you hope to find her in your dream bubbles, cause hey dead people are there so that means she has to be too! meanwhile your busy doing boring first grade class’s and messing with july and your weird ass friendgroup that you only know cause of meetups.

+++++++++++++++++++

your name is canope. you have a facination for the magics thanks to your auntie rox and mumsie reading your auntie’s books to you. your also a fan of all the wizard of oz movies, your not sure how some fear the second movie it seems fine to you. your the moirail of lellek and do your best as the older moirail to get her into nice situations to have some fun in!

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

your name is eonape leijon. you love to fly, which is funny cause your olive bloods aren’t known for flying unless their falling, but falling you do not want you feel the urge to fly! so your busy learning to become a mechanic with your unsus (uncle lussus) equius to help you out while your lussus is out and about on her job. your flying love goes all the way back to the troll show jayjay the jet and movie plane’s 2 which you’ll still watch from time to time. your the moirail of hosani and rather energetic in her antics.

|||||||||||||||||||||||||

your name is hosani nitram. your the school bully of earcth’s elementary and like to torment good ol lellek just to get a reaction...unless her creepy af moirail or she screams happens but thankfully she’s too dumb to remember to use it. sides your trying to show a message that you won’t give a fuck who mess’s with you, no god’s child no highbloods, you got shit to pay to those higher ups despite your pops and uncle telling you not to. but in your meantime your busy hanging with your bud playing fiduspawn in your treehouse for the coolest of low trolls and checking in on your neighborhood critters, mostly the squeakrrles.

/////////////////////

your name is dandy egbert and your one fashionable dude. your well known in your class for coming in with different outfits everyday. somedays your a cowboy, others your sporting the sombrero, or feeling spicy you put in your trollsona’s cosplay. your a fan of many genre’s but you like the specific times they were shot like the 70′s and 80′s now THOSE had some sweet cinematography. your considered an ‘old timer’ despite almost being 10 but your pop’s kinda likes it, he says it’s a better hobby then clown figurine collecting...sounds familiar. your sister also gets in on it too dressing in attire related to the theme, she’s the true MVP as kids call it these days.

==> be the male seadweller. your name is eiseel english ampora and no before you ask their not together you just have a very weird family tree where mister ampora considers himself your ‘legal lussus’ but you spend most your time with mister jake and your matesprit’s ‘legal lussus’ aradia in the outdoors traveling and getting many injuries that makes ampora’s reactions humorous. you like the outdoor’s but your more of a tech guy if anything, carrying around a small electric line so you can chat with your bud’s and play match 3 puzzle rpg games. you wish you could live with your matesprit and his totally cool other guardian sol. you also have a weird facination for neon green, but ampora through a fit once so your sticking with an almost jade green, maybe mister jake’s fashion sense was getting to ya.

==> be the female seadweller. your name is reefay peixes. your a selectively mute girl who does fanfiction commissions...least for your moirail eiseel of his gold-blood self insert falling for his matesprit’s DnD sea mage character. you hope to become an author someday as your art skills aren’t up to snuff yet. your a fan of romcom’s and magical girl series bout friendship and subtle but obvious gayness, or maybe your glass’s count as shipping goggles who knows.

‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘

your name is anneck captor megaido and no your lussus’s aren’t together either...least you think? it’s simple but complicated just like mister captor who, despite being your caretaker your busy making sure he take his medication and help himself health wise as the pressing leader of earcth’s electrical unit of the whole world. thankfully not the universe otherwise you’d have bigger issues. despite some raising a brow at how you live in a humid basement full of electric units and one king bee (hehe) sized mattress you don’t mind really. your not one to go out for long which is why your not in the outdoors 24/7 with your actual lussus guardian, despite your matesprit wishing you would but most likely so you can bandage his reckless behind up.

<------------------------->

your name is haileq strider. your usually on a husktop in your dad’s workshop when he’s busy constructing the new mechanical machinery he and miss harley work on. you don’t have a hobby other then scrolling social media’s boredly with your inability to make a friend without being awkward bout it, even worse try to confess your flushed feelings for yal-...wait she shouldn’t say it oh fuck don’t send-

`````````````

your name is yale H attahock. your from an adopted carapacious family with two doting mom’s who have a habit of scratching your ears. your the ‘mom friend’ of your semi-blood family’s group of kids but it doesn’t help they keep running around town getting into mischief while the others watch from the sky, someone has to be eyes on the ground! otherwise you like to play soccorfoot in your school’s team the ‘hot dogs’ (funny your the leader but they made that decision to name it that.) or playing joystick games with your...’cousin’ who loves to banter in your playful family-esque relationship.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

your name is jaspjoir also called JJ or ‘jasper jr’ on accident in some papers. your also from a carapacious family of your silly sweet pops’. your one for fashion thanks to your old mans and love for a good firework display and a hint of magic performances. you also like to have a good ol time teasing your cous with how lone of a wolf he is after certain events but you do have a soft spot for the kiddos he watches, especially lil ol july. you hope to play a game soon with your dear ol cousin and some of his lil friends sometime, sooner then later you hope ;3.

[pinestripes]

Favorite Moments from TAZ: Balance, in No Particular Order

(I’ve been wallowing in my grief over finishing Balance for a bit now, and I thought I could make a tribute by listing some of my favorite moments from the campaign! It should be noted that there will be SPOILERS AHEAD and that some quotes might be paraphrased slightly. Also, I haven’t listened to the liveshows yet.)

The guys’ delighted laughter as Griffin reveals that Barry’s back.

Actually, every time they have big reactions to his reveals. The sheer dumb confusion and then the whooping and clapping when the first loop in the Eleventh Hour happens. Justin’s quietly horrified reaction to finding out Lup made the Umbra Staff. Clint’s confused laughter and incredulous “Anyone?” when Griffin asks who he summons from the bond engine. 

“I, and a team of other people, created this world.” “Gary Gygax?”

The guys tormenting Jenkins in Murder on the Rockport Limited, after which we find out the guy is a literal murderer (and not, in fact, a “sh*tty wizard”).

The entire exchange at the bottom of the well in the Gerblins arc. “Can anybody levitate?” “I think we just live at the bottom of this well now.”

“No dogs on the moon. They just run right off the damn thing.” "Should you say it, or should I? ...No dogs on the moon!”

“[Stephen] swims around in his tiny bowl. And he loves me.” 

The sheer comedic gold that is the scene where Taako convinces Garfield to give him the sword--the perfect buildup, Griffin’s soul leaving his body as he realizes what’s happening, the other guys losing their minds as they too realize it.

Arms Outstretched, of course. And the sort of reprise of it in the finale. 

Speaking of the finale--I’m a massive sucker for “Hey, the gang’s all here!”-type finales, where everyone we’ve ever met in a series shows up in the end and pays a role. And the TAZ finale does this SO WELL, with the music, and how it always makes sense in what’s happening in the scene. It’s so satisfying. 

“You know we’re going to have to talk about your sister being a lich, right?”

Lup’s introduction. 

Lup’s return, from the long pause, to Justin snapping the staff, to Clint’s “Attaboy!” to “YOU’RE DATING THE GRIM REAPER?”

When the guys all simultaneously respond to the question “What’s the best type of advertising?” with “Word of mouth” in Wonderland after episode after episode of them asking people to and thanking people for telling others about the podcast. 

Killian reacting to Magnus cutting off Merle’s arm.

Magnus eating the Philosopher’s Stone, and Griffin subsequently being adamant that Travis deal with the consequences of his actions.  

The guys starting their second loop in Refuge and immediately messing up so badly that Justin almost has Taako shoot them all and end the loop right there. 

Magnus’s. Pep. Talk.

Lucretia in the Candlenights episode. “Hot diggity sh*t, this is a baller cookie.” “Magnus, this is the nightmare scenario.” “Booyah.”

Taako suddenly deciding stealing is wrong in the Goldcliff Trust. “This isn’t a dungeon; people do business here!”

Merle’s bit about the traveling forward/backward in time 9 seconds in the finale had me laughing so hard I was wheezing and crying. My roommate had to check on me and make sure I was okay.

I love Davenport and his sheer delight at piloting the Starblaster again. “Dance for me, buddy.”

The guys coming up with silly and perfect reporter names and newspaper titles to ask questions at the beginning of The Stolen Century. 

The big, triumphant way Griffin goes “Let’s roll initiative!” in the finale, followed immediately by Mort Garson’s incredible music. 

Everything Angus does ever. 

The scene with Taako teaching Angus magic. “Can--can I get tickets?” “Why don’t you conjure them yourself, Mr. Wizard?”

When, in Reunion Tour, Angus says something about his books and Travis says he loves Angus and Justin says “Precious” in his Taako voice which means IT WAS IN CHARACTER AND CANONICAL. 

Lup freaking apologizing for destroying the macaroons Angus made. 

The Tom Bodett thing is just. So dumb. But so funny. I love it. 

Taako calling Barry “Barrold.” 

Fisher loving the carved wooden ducks is SO CUTE. 

“Griffin, can we please deal with the Fullmetal Alchemist situation I currently find myself in?”

“Who?” goiehioewgasd;

The Junebug scene, with the music, gives me chills. 

“Those are the arms that have held my wife!” 

Merle choosing Lucretia to go with him to the spa in that lunar interlude because it’s so good for character stuff but also is unintentionally heartbreaking when you think about it much later??

Cassidy becoming mayor of Refuge. 

Magnus deciding to break into the BOB’s prison. I’ve never been a DM, but I could feel Griffin’s sheer frustration and exasperation in my very soul.

Okay, no, I actually need to talk about Arms Outstretched. I usually don’t feel much dread or fear when watching/reading/listening to things because I’m like “it’s fictional, no one’s in any actual danger, there’s more books/episodes after this, it’s going to be fine” but this scene made me feel absolutely horrified dread the instant the Animus Bell rang anyway. 

“Taako’s rushing in!” “Magnus follows him?” “Merle’s good out here.” “What’s going on?!”

“Hello, my name is Elder Merle!” THUNK

Magic Brian’s death. “I cast magic missile on him again.”

“Between the fan and the fancy umbrella, I’m one seventeen-inch waist away from being Scarlett O’Hara.”

The tantrum Taako throws when asked to get on the Elevator of Tomorrow in Crystal Kingdom, and of course his subsequent GLEE when Magnus and Merle get attacked after using it. “Taako--that’’s me, hi--I’m done with elevators. Never again! ...Don’t do it, I swear to god. You will not like how this ends. I will burn a spell slot on you. I give no sh*ts.”

Lucas, sadly: “My lab!”

The endless tormenting of Leon. “Yeah, he is no longer functioning. You have thoroughly broken this man.” “I win!”

Justin finding out about Lup’s existence and immediately having Taako call her Lulu. 

“That’s real low [max HP]!” “Is it? Is it, Griffin?”

“See, there’s magic in a bard’s song. They call it inspiration, and it tells the listener what they need to hear right when they need to hear it. And right now, you hear it too. The message in the music heard round the world. You hear Johann’s voice, telling you, ‘You’re going to have to fight. And...you’re gonna win!’”

“Hear that babe? We’re legends.”

“This should go without saying at this point--Taako is DELIGHTED.”

“My name is Magnus Burnsides.” “Marchis Burchsins.” “Yep, nailed it. Got it in one.” 

When Merle has the choice to sacrifice his memories of his kids’ births in Wonderland and immediately decides to take the penalty.

The bit in the second Story and Song where the guys keep putting off getting in the Starblaster and keep having little moments with all the other characters, and Griffin gets so annoyed that he tries to get them to move along using the NPCs. “No, totally. Let’s save the world, then 420 blaze it. Can we gooooo?”

Lucas, also sadly: “I got a splinter.”

“Our capacity for love increases with each person we cross paths with throughout our lives, and with each moment we spend with those people. But, too often we neglect that part of ourselves in favor of others. And by the time we realize just how important it is, we find ourselves with fewer folks around to practice with.”

“Did you enjoy the adventure?” “Of course!”

“Oh, yes, small prophecy is easy. I burp and a small prophecy happen.”

“Let me tell you a story about the time we fought three ogres, and I got punched so hard I almost died. You remember? You were up in some kind of weird laser firing potions willy-nilly, Magnus was pulling the arms off a robot, and I got punched so hard I almost died! I’m not about to throw down with a giant crab while you’re armed with just a terrible Scottish accent, and Travis doesn’t even have his shield! I’m out!” 

“It all started when I met the most beautiful elf, and the bravest cleric...”

“Not all exits are made equal. Some are beautiful, and poetic, and satisfying. Others are abrupt and unfair. But most are unremarkable, unintentional, clumsy.”

“I’ll be having my body back, you undead f***.”

“We’ve chosen the perfect person for this. It’s like sending a mildly eloquent piñata in!”

“Let ‘em know, kid.” 

“The late Merle Highchurch rolled a five.”

“You’re going to be amazing.”

...And every single moment that demonstrates what phenomenal entertainers and storytellers the McElroys are. Thank you, guys, for an experience unlike any other. 

[svrssnp]

Tread Lightly: Severus Snape x Reader - Part Three

Words: ~4,500 // Reading Time: ~16 minutes // Summary: When you are offered an apprenticeship by Professor McGonagall two years after graduation, you move into Hogwarts once more. You enjoy the work, the students, and even your coworkers. However, it seems that your former Head of House and Potions Master, Severus Snape, is the only one not warming to you. You decide that two can play in the game of torment. // Read PART ONE. // PART TWO.

The night of patrols with Snape had left you in a pleasant mood the next morning. You had woken up to find yourself still in your old robes from the night before and, to your surprise, Professor Snape’s cloak he had lent you. You had been so tired when you made it to your quarters that you had fallen asleep the moment you laid down.

An odd thought popped into your head once you showered and began dressing for the day. Snape’s cloak was sitting folded on top of the dresser, ready for you to return to him at breakfast today. Yet once you were clad in your emerald green Slytherin robes, you wondered if he would even remember lending it to you.

You remembered how warm and comfortable it had been last night on patrols, and how you had meant to ask him where he had gotten it. Smirking to yourself, you quickly charmed the cloak to a smaller size before wrapping it around you.

Looking into the mirror, you had to admit that it did not look bad on you at all. If anything, it added a touch of dramatics with the Slytherin green robes. Content with it, you left your quarters and journeyed to the Great Hall for breakfast. You wondered if he would even recognise the cloak.

Stepping into the Great Hall, you noticed that you were later than usual due to the outfit change, as everyone was already digging into their eggs and toast. This was the reason, you assumed, that almost the entire hall grew near silent when you walked in. 

You quirked an eyebrow up at the sudden silence—as the Great Hall was never silent—but kept on walking. The chatter resumed with you, and as you passed the long tables you could hear faint whispers.

“—said he caught them in the forbidden forest.”

“How can that old bat even get a girl like that?”

“She’s wearing his cloak today—“

“—maybe he’ll give less work, with her with him—“

Your eyes grew wide and you stopped dead in your tracks at hearing all of their words. You had forgotten all about Orville Silas and Joseph last night. In fact, you'd forgotten all about that little prat and his words: “Slytherin traitor of a girlfriend!”

You had known that he would spread that little rumour eventually, but it was only breakfast! How fast did rumours fly around at Hogwarts these days? Suddenly feeling like you taking the walk of shame, you quickly glanced up at the Head Table to see that all the professors were carefully watching you.

Sprout had her eyebrows raised up so far that they disappeared under her hat. Flitwick and Vector seemed to quickly look down at their food when they noticed you looking, and Sinistra was suddenly very fascinated with her goblet. Even Professor Binns attended breakfast today. The only three professors who gazed directly back at you were Dumbledore, with a very knowing glint in his eyes; McGonagall, who had her lips puckered as though she had swallowed one of Dumbledore's lemon drops; and Snape, who appeared to be smirking back at you much more passionately than ever before.

Obviously Professor Snape must be pleased, you thought to yourself. Isn't this what he had told you that he wanted last night? He had wanted the rumour to spread, just to "see the look on all of the professors' faces." Well, his wish had certainly come true, and he was enjoying himself far too much, you reckoned.

Stepping up to the Head Table, you were going to swiftly take a seat before you heard a familiar voice and felt someone grab you by the arm.

“Miss (L/N)!” She breathed out, tired from jogging to your seat. “I have heard the news! The news of you and Severus!” You quickly tried to stop her by shaking your head and was about to interrupt, but she continued. “I have seen your cards together, and they align perfectly!  You see—“

“Professor Trelawney, please!” You told her as she began fanning out the tarot cards in her hands. She walked away with a huff and you took your seat right beside a very disgruntled looking Professor McGonagall.

But you didn’t pay any attention to her expression, and instead felt relief at seeing a person who could actually help you with the situation at hand. “It’s so nice to have you back, Professor McGonagall. Forgive me for not asking about your leave yesterday, but I very much need your help right now.”

She did not answer you immediately. Instead, she seemed to peer at you from over her glasses, and you felt as if you were a first year all over again, who had just failed a test. “I will give you help, Miss (L/N), but before that, I require answers!”

You almost knocked over your pumpkin juice at her raise of voice, and it seems that you were not the only one. Professor Flitwick dropped his fork in surprise also.

“Professor, if you are speaking about what I think you are, then please just allow me a moment to explain. It’s all very funny, actually.”

“Funny?” She cut you off indignantly. “Please tell me what is funny about my own apprentice becoming lovers with the Potions Master!” She lowered her voice at those words. Apparently, she wasn't too keen on saying them aloud yet, but her quieter tone held more anger. “You, of all people! You, my bright young apprentice—who could have the pick of the litter when it comes to young wizards—choose him?”

You tried to open up your mouth to speak, to tell her that she was upset for no good reason, but you kept your mouth shut. You didn’t know if you were too afraid to answer, or merely too curious about what else she would say. Never had you seen the old witch so enthusiastic.

“You are an intelligent witch, yet here you are! Acting in such a dumb way! What do you think are the benefits of being involved with Severus Snape?” She spoke his name like it was a curse. “He is a miserable man who deserves nothing of you. I don’t know what he has promised you, or how he has convinced you that he is worthy of your time, but let me say that he is certainly not! I can think of nothing that he could give you!” She sighed, as if she were truly tired, but still managed to continue.

“Perhaps you may find him attractive, but looks mean nothing! Do you seek his authority? Because if so, that reason is incredibly faulty. What good is authority if he does not use it for the better? Hmm? And with his powers of Potions Master and Head of House he uses it to experiment in his ghastly dungeons and bully children!" McGonagall was shaking her finger like a club at you at this point. "He does not have extreme wealth... He does not have a pleasant manner... What could you possibly see in him?” She finished with a breathy sigh again, as if she were either desperate for an answer, or far too worked up. You guessed it was because of both.

In any other situation, you would have laughed at seeing Professor McGonagall so passionate about a misconception. You would have patted her hand to calm her down and told her the truth; that it was just a rumour. That you and Snape were not actually a couple. That, up until now, you had never even thought of such a thing.

But hearing the way that she spoke of him had filled you with anger. You could practically feel the rage pumping through you as she sat there and insulted him. Who was she to say who deserved you? Who was she to degrade Severus Snape in such a venomous way?

Immediately, your fists clenched and you fixed her with a deep frown. "I-I don't even know what to say to you now, Professor!” You raised your voice at her, but it was not out of anger or with the same venom that she had done with you. It was out of desperation and disappointment, as if you were pleading her to see things the way you did. However, you did not realise how loudly you spoke until the Great Hall had once again grown silent.

"How could you speak of Severus and I in such low regard?” You told her, and you almost stumbled upon saying his name. You’d only called him that once. “I'm so... so disappointed to see you place me in such little regard as to not be a proper judge of character, and you insinuating that somehow Severus is not worthy of me!” You suddenly looked over at Snape, and the smirk that laid upon his lips was so deep that it almost looked like a smile. “I know my worth! And I let me say here and now that Severus Snape is a man who is worthy of any woman he wants, including me. Yes, he may be cruel at times with an awful temper and even nastier words, but have you ever asked yourself why, Professor? Have you ever took the time to converse with him?

“Because over these past few weeks, I have found him to be the most intelligent, thoughtful, quick-witted, selfless, and handsome—yes, Professor McGonagall, I said handsome! You don't need to look that stunned—man that I have had the privilege to meet!" Suddenly, you remembered that it was not only you and McGonagall in the room, and looked up to be met with the faces of shocked professors and pupils alike.

The only person who did not appear to be stunned was the man himself, who did not even bother looking at you anymore, but rather the astounded state that McGonagall and the entire faculty was in. You felt that your heart was not beating so rapidly anymore, and you began calming down. In your more calm state, then did you start to feel the embarrassment of what you had just done.

Feeling your face grow red hot in embarrassment, you quickly murmured "Oh, Merlin... Oh, Merlin, I am so sorry!" before pushing in your chair and rushing out of the Great Hall. You felt the hundreds of pairs of eyes follow you as you heaved open the door and it slammed behind you.

What had you done? Why had you done that? You were always a bit temperamental, but nothing like that! You practically ran down the hallway as you tried to reason with yourself. Everyone could have their outbursts at times, but rarely does someone have an outburst that involves their supposed relationship with a former professor in front of the entire school. Realising just how much trouble you might have just gotten yourself in, you stopped running and instead wandered out onto the castle grounds. No one would be out here.

Fighting the urge to cry suddenly, you sat down on the ground near the forbidden forest. The autumn air was just as vicious in the morning, and you absentmindedly drew Snape's cloak around you for warmth once more. You stared at the wind blowing the trees, and your thoughts lingered back to last night with Snape.

You had enjoyed it, you discerned with some self-hatred and pity. You had enjoyed the man's company far more than you should have. Not knowing what side you had seen of him last night that suddenly made you defend him fiercely to your own mentor, you sighed heavily. Those things that you told McGonagall couldn't have possibly been true... They were merely said in the heat of the moment. You couldn't have possibly meant them.

Laying down on the grass, you just stared up helplessly at the sky for almost ten minutes. In fact, you almost began to feel better before you heard the last possible voice you wanted to hear at that moment.

"I was wondering if you would be in the Transfiguration Classroom, but it seemed more probable that you would want to avoid Minerva after your little verbal fisticuff with her." You heard the voice of Snape say.

Looking up, you could see the familiar face peering down at you, but you made no move to stand, or even sit up. You simply averted your eyes away and didn't respond. Merlin only knew what you could say.

Snape seemed to see that you weren't going to answer, and so, in a gesture that you would never think of him to do, he sat down directly next to you in the dewy grass. His hands were at his side, holding him up. He sat with his long legs straight, ankles crossed. You gave a small smile at that.

You could tell that he was not enjoying sitting on the dewy grass, though, as after some time he had grown annoyed with the silence—Imagine that, you thought. The man who craves silence is the one who wants to break it—and spoke in a casual voice. "You would think for as much Dumbledore insists to pay Hagrid that he could at least trim the grass more out here."

He looked down at you, expecting an answer, but you didn't give him one.

Noticing your stubborn nature, he sighed. "I hardly think it is polite to not converse with the person whose cloak you have stolen."

Giving in to him, you finally said in a small voice. "I didn't steal it. I just borrowed it for the day. It's very warm."

He hummed in agreement. "Yes, I know it is." An awkward silence fell between the two of you once again. This time, Snape didn't try to break it immediately. He saw that you were cloud-watching, and he was fine to humour you for a few minutes.

It was your turn to speak. "I'm sorry," you whispered out so soft that he had to strain to hear. "I'm so sorry for doing that."

You had expected him to reply with "You should be." or "Yes, I already spoke with Dumbledore about it and he has sent me to fire you." You did not expect him to give you an incredulous look, only to mutter "What for?"

"For that outburst of mine in the Great Hall, of course." You told him, embarrassment taking you over as you finally sat up. "I never meant to say all of that—"

"You can relax, (Y/N). In fact, I have come to apologise to you."

You furrowed your brows at him in confusion, "Professor, I'm not following..."

"Severus, I thought it was?" He corrected you. "Or, at least, that is what you called me to the entirety of the school half an hour ago."

"Oh." You replied, laying back flat against the grass. "Alright."

He cleared his throat then as he watched you lie down and you noticed the thin line of flesh that apeared when he tugged on his cravat in a moment of discomfort. "As I was saying, I have come to apologise to you on behalf on my actions last night, and even this morning. They were... unprofessional and I regret that you had to take certain actions to follow my words.”

“What?” You asked him. “What are you talking about?”

“(Y/N), do not act dumb in order to lure an even bigger apology from me. I will say what I have to once, and that is it.”

You glanced up at him, and you could tell that he was being genuine, but regarding what, you had no idea. Hesitating, you debated on insisting that you had no idea what he was talking about, but seeing that it would annoy him, you just replied “Um, you are... forgiven?”

At hearing the obliviousness in your voice, he glanced at you suspiciously. “Do you really not understand what I am saying? Bloody hell...” He continued with an eye roll. “I am speaking of my completely inappropriate behaviour last night when I was suggesting that perhaps this rumour would be humourous for me... Of course, I was not expecting you to actually act according to my remark, and though I did temporarily enjoy your play session with Minerva, I realised soon after that it was unfair of me to compel you to pretend that we were involved in any way, and therefore have already stated my regret." He looked at you with what could almost be called guilt. "I am sorry to have caused you embarrassment in having you think that you had to continue a lie in order to appease me."

As you listened to his words, you suddenly felt multiple emotions well up in you at once. He had thought that you were pretending when you defended him to Professor McGonagall? Just to "appease" him? Surely, you thought, even he could not be that daft. You were going to correct him, and to explain that no, you had not been acting when you defended him, and you had meant every word you said, but held back. Perhaps this wasn't the place to do it, laying on the wet grass in the foggy morning grounds with him sitting beside you. Perhaps, it was best to take this rare opportunity of his misunderstanding.

"No apology is necessary," you said. "I knew what I was doing." A lie. "And although I may have gone a bit overboard, I don't regret it." A lie. "Besides," you gave him a cheeky grin, "wasn't it rather odd to see the Great Hall so silent? It was funny." A lie. It was traumatising.

He gave you a look that told you that he knew you were exaggerating your claims, but remained quiet in his observations. "I am glad that you are so lighthearted towards this, but this does not solve the problem that the entire school still believes that we are lovers."

At that, you just huffed out your breath and rolled over on your side in the grass away from him. "I don't know what you want me to do about that."

"Well, I do not believe that there is much to do about it, considering your dramatics from breakfast." He snapped at you. He probably would not have if you hadn't turned away from him, but you couldn't help sulking at least a little.

You began picking at the grass as a way to relieve the stress around you, ignoring him completely. "We could just keep it going, you know."

"Excuse me?" He laid a hand on your waist to roll you over on your other side to see you again, to make sure that what you said was indeed not a joke. With a small yelp, you rolled over in the grass only to bump into his leg.

"Hey!" You yelled back at him, pushing his hand away from you with a light laugh. "Don't do that!"

"Oh?" He answered with an innocent look upon his features. "And why not, Miss (L/N)?"

You grinned back at him, sitting up on your knees now to level your face with his. "Because you should never do things to others if you do not want them done to you in return." You told him in a voice that you saved for pratty third years.

"And what does that mea—Oh, damn!" Snape shouted as you lunged at him. You quickly wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him down to the ground with you. You were once again laying on the ground, only Snape accompanied you now. Giggling, you reveled in the look of pure surprise and annoyance he held.

"It's quite nice down here, no?" You asked him in sarcasm, and he scowled at you, but you noticed that it was considerably less frightening when his hair was in the state of disarray as it was in now from him laying down.

"Quite not," he said in a silky tone of voice and you gasped at how close the two of you were. His nose was centimeters away from your own, and instantly you became overwhelmed.

Looking back in his dark eyes, you noticed that they carried a certain warmth in them, just like his cloak that was still wrapped around you. Dark and stiff, but at the same time still managing to warm you up inside. He only looked back at you with confusion, and for a second you thought that he was about to push you away and storm off to the dungeons.

But that moment never came, and if anything the realisation of just how close the two of you were hit you with immense power. Your hands were still lazily around his neck, and laying down flat in the dewy grass only gave your position much more physical depth. Your faces were barely apart when suddenly you couldn't take the intense black eyes, or the warm cloak, or the very firm chest that was pressed up against your own. Wait, had the two of you really landed like that?

The atmosphere hit you all at once, and suddenly without thinking, you gasped out "I meant what I said to McGonagall. I wasn't acting." You didn't know if it was your imagination, or if his eyes really did grow so wide in a split second. "I really do think that you are clever and cruel and the smartest and meanest wizard that I have met, and I very much like talking with you. I find you so incredibly interesting, and you're very attractive to me. You have a great voice and you're really good at buying warm cloaks, and—"

At the sudden stiffness of him, you knew that you were rambling, and so did the only thing that you were positive would shut you up. Leaning forward a few centimeters, you pressed your lips against your former Potions Master's and hoped that it was not the wrong decision.

He did not reciprocate immediately as you kissed him, and you tried your best not to panic. But after a moment of hesitation, he seemed to relax, only somewhat, and lean more into your kiss. You closed your eyes tighter as you began to taste the faint traces of Earl Grey tea on his lips. You didn't realise how good this could feel. Slowly, you tried to deepen the kiss by sliding one hand from his neck to tangle with his hair...

"Bloody hell!" Snape suddenly yelled, pushing you away and sitting up. He almost looked to be panicking, and you felt fear bubble in your stomach.

"What?" You yelled back unintentionally as you too sat up. "Did I do something wrong?"

"Yes!" He hissed back at you, and you faltered as he stood up on his feet. "Yes, of course you have done something wrong, Miss (L/N)! You-" He broke off momentarily, as if lacking words for once in his life. "You kissed me, you troublesome little devil!"

Finally standing on your feet again, you threw your hands up in disbelief. "You kissed me back! And I thought it was going fine until you popped up out of nowhere!"

"Why on earth would you even do such a thing?"

"I told you! Because I meant what I said to McGonagall, and... I don't know! It just felt right!" Upon noticing how unconvinced he seemed, you left out a hysterical laugh and you ran your hands through your hair in frustration. "Listen, I've been making a lot of bad decisions today and—“

"Well at least you admit that it was, indeed, a bad decision."

"No, it wasn't!" You fought back. "Or maybe it was." You murmured to yourself, suddenly feeling the urge to just completely quit your job at Hogwarts. "I don't know! I thought it was a good choice until you pushed me away!"

"I did that for your own good!" He finally raised his voice for the first time at you, and it took all you had to still remain close to him. "You saw how everyone acted today. They could hardly believe that we were a couple!"

You wanted to scream at him for being such a dunce. "That's because we're not a couple!"

He snapped back. "I know that! I was merely saying that if people cannot even fathom us as a couple, then how could you possibly even think of jeopardising everything you currently have?"

"Oooh, you are so stupid!" You internally cringed at how childish that came out, but continued regardless. "And confusing! And self-centered, cruel, and reclusive! If you want to live alone forever, then... then just do it! Stop tormenting me with your dumb remarks and smirks and leave me alone.”

"I'm the one tormenting you?" He hissed and took a step forward, so that your chests were pressed up against the other's. "You are the one who waltzed into my life again! You are the one who took a job under a damn Gryffindor who is constantly parading you around! The one who I am forced to hear about night and day from all the insufferable fifth and sixth years that I have to teach! Who has been making my life absolute hell with your insistence to keep prying me open!"

"Well you don't have to worry about it anymore, because I swear I am waltzing right into McGonagall's office and handing her the longest resignation that she will ever receive!”

You had meant to continue, but suddenly his lips came crashing against yours with a passion that made you yelp back. However, you never had the opportunity to, because his arms had wrapped around your waist the moment his lips met yours. He pulled you closer, and you almost lost balance upon hearing him actually moan in pleasure once you began to kiss back.

He gripped you tighter, as if he were certain that you couldn't possibly be kissing him; that he believed that you were going to change your mind any second and actually quit your job and never speak to him again.

You had wanted to take the kiss further, but before you had the chance, Snape once again broke the kiss. You opened your eyes up at him, but you saw that his eyes were still closed, as if he were mentally berating himself for breaking off such a wonderful moment.

You felt relief all of a sudden, as if you had been a child that so desperately was trying to get a toy for weeks on end, and at finally having it in your hands felt something of an accomplishment. Is that how you viewed this—well, whatever it is—with Snape, you wondered? Was it just an accomplishment at finally having him crack after all this time, or did you truly care for him? You knew there was only one way for you to find out.

"Severus?" You asked gently, and he opened his black eyes.

"Yes, (Y/N)?" He breathed out, and you had to bite down on your lip not to take notice of how hoarse his voice sounded all of a sudden.

You spoke dumbly, still uncertain of what to say. "I don't want to resign."

You felt the low chuckle erupt from his chest and throat at your words, and ever so politely, he pressed a soft kiss to your temple before murmuring. "No. No, neither do I want you to either."

tagging those who requested a part 3 (if i forgot you i’m sorry i’m so tired): @whitewitchdown @halfbloodsherlocked @kaishamj @darb6226 @its-called-meepmorp @wicker-god @hummingbird-flying-in-the-rain @we-talked-and-itwas-epic @chaoticcultist @rustypotatospork @emeraldbriarwritings @freelyshamelessheart @illume-melamin

(p.s. if there are any kind souls out there that would like to begin to beta my imagines i would very very very much appreciate that... it’s taking too long with just me rip)