#he worked for so many centuries without any serious breakdowns and still going to

[waivyjellyfish]

Ka-Lun has been with you for 36 generations, he’s quite a grandfather. You should give him tech-diagnostics, and grease him, clanging is not a good sign.

[thedreadvampy]

talking to my mum last night and getting fucked up about the degree of trauma my grandparents' generation faced and how. unwilling and ill-equipped the care system is for the obvious fact that there's a huge incidence of PTSD and complex lifelong mental health issues in those generations

grannie was 17 when she became a nurse and she was working immediately in London at the height of the Blitz. her first day she saw blown apart children and had to comfort their parents. she was almost hit by a rocket cycling home.

grandpa spent the whole war in labour camps before being trapped behind the Iron Curtain in the ruins of Dresden, almost dead from starvation from the camp, for another 3 years before making it back to Blackpool to find out his parents had died in his absence.

granny got radiation sickness at 13 from being put under an X-ray with no protection and forgotten about for hours; she lost all her hair and developed chronic pain and health problems. after years of severe physical, emotional and sexual abuse from her family and the men around her, she got engaged to an American pilot who was shot down and killed in the last month of the war. her former boyfriend came back a dissociative shell of his pre-war self and she ended up trying to raise three small children on her own, with her family at the other end of the country and her husband often having violent flashbacks and outbursts of rage. she was suicidal and had violent psychotic breaks and got institutionalised and medicated on and off her entire adult life.

like. it isn't just the war. people born in the early-mid 20th century, especially women, have been subject to so much sexual trauma, domestic and social violence, bigotry, and grief on grief on grief.

with my granny, it's entirely understandable that she was 'mad'. when I knew her, she was on heavy daily dosage of lithium - she stopped because it was destroying her gut after 30 years and she became violently aggressive, vindictive, scared, psychotic, paranoid, frequently delusional and extremely abusive. She was terrified of doctors because of her repeated experiences with medical abuse, she was furious with everyone around her, she coldly hated her husband and seemed actively happy when he died, and the thing is all of that makes perfect sense because she was profoundly and repeatedly traumatised for at least the first 50-60 years of her life.

but the thing that worries and answers me is that the elder care system and the mental health system are completely unwilling to engage with the fact that many many many old people have severe pre-existing mental health conditions. after all, how many of us have PTSD or psychotic episodes or bipolar or BPD or special care needs related to autism or OCD or ADHD or whatever? those don't just Cease To Exist after a certain age. and our parents and our grandparents grew up in times with much less support for mental health and much less awareness of trauma. granny's early traumas were familial but she was institutionalised repeatedly and treated appallingly throughout her life and that's in itself traumatic.

when granny was 82 and she stopped taking her lithium, she was frail, ill and a danger to herself and others.

they put her on a dementia ward when she was sectioned because she was Old, and Old Mad People Are Demented. but she didn't have dementia! she had chronic PTSD and paranoid delusions but she knew who, where and when she was and she was perfectly sharp, she just wasn't coping. when we went to visit her she'd say furiously 'they think I'm like the other people in here but I'm not, I'm not losing my marbles, I've always been this way'

none of us got any support looking after her while she was in hospital or after she left the inpatient ward - nobody checked in on grandpa while she was in hospital or on weekend release, and after she was released Dad looked after her single-handed while trying to deal with his dad's death. (she may have murdered grandpa while on weekend release, or he may have died of heart failure - either way when she went off the rails after 20 years stable, he gave up on life and I me and my sibling (for the record we were 10 when she left hospital) listening to her trying to continue unpicking her past trauma was I think the most therapy she got after she left.

she couldn't go into a regular elder care home because she was too unstable, she needed specialist mental health care and she sometimes needed to be constrained for her own safety and that of other people. residential mental health care facilities weren't equipped to deal with her needs as a woman in her 80s. she couldn't go into dementia care, which is about the only residential care available for old people with serious mental health needs, because she didn't have dementia and it would have been utterly inappropriate and harmful for her and the other residents. she lived to 93 and for the last 11 years of her life it was up to Dad and us to look after her in her home because there was simply nowhere else for her to go.

and what really fucks me up is that she wasn't past help. a lot of people thought she was but when she left hospital she was trying really hard to continue therapy on her own without a therapist, she drew and wrote about her life and memories and she used to sit opposite me and open up in a way I now utterly recognise as trauma therapy, she would try to find ways to talk about what had hurt her and state into the middle distance for tens of minutes trying to get it together enough to continue. she wanted to do the work. but the only people there for her were her son who was shellshocked from losing his dad and traumatised from effectively losing his mum again and who was spending all his energy just trying to get through work and home and get her physical needs met, and a couple of preteen children who had the will but not the capacity to help. we were barely holding ourselves together (mum drove granny places but mostly her capacity was being spent being about the only support Dad or us could get) and we just couldn't meet the work of a trained therapist. and eventually she gave up on getting better and got angrier and more bitter and more abusive to everyone. but she wanted to feel better. she wanted to deal with her shit. but there was no support.

and there must be thousands of people like her. older people with lifelong trauma and mental health issues who are too mentally ill for elder support and too old for mental health support. and the MH system doesn't think they're worth the resource cost because after all they're old, they'll die soon. but where are they meant to go? and how much harm does unsupported home care do to the person in need of care and to the people carrying for them? it just multiplies trauma down the generations. you can't just expect mental illness to only affect the young when the old have been just as traumatised and you can't treat them as separate issues when old people need carers who are qualified to deal with both their age and their mental health issues.

like yes many people develop late life mental health issues like Alzheimers and dementia, just as many people become disabled for the first time by age. but a lot of people are disabled or mentally ill for decades before they reach anything approaching elderly, and those things don't suddenly go away and don't have the same support needs as late-life issues.

idk. I'm very angry. if there was recognition of the need to support older people with lifelong trauma then my grandpa wouldn't have died hopeless and unsupported, my granny might have got her life back and got some healing after 80 years of living in fear, my dad wouldn't have had his own mental breakdown and slide into paranoia and conspiracy theory, and me and my siblings wouldn't have lost our whole adolescence trying to shore up two badly neglected adults' catastrophic mental health while under constant fire.

literally a ten minute weekly phone call with grandpa while granny was in hospital and weekly follow-up talk therapy for her after she was discharged could have made so much difference but nobody fucking cared. because she was Old. she was in the hospital because she was a danger to the people around her and they discharged her for the weekend as a trial run and her husband died suddenly while she was in the house and she seemed totally unbothered and they still. let her out for good two weeks later with no followup care or therapeutic follow-up and no support or advice for Dad on looking after her. they started talk therapy in hospital and then dropped her abruptly and left her raw and cracked open without any way to put herself back together. and she isn't unique it's just. Careless. and so destructive.

[dragynkeep]

in a way, both Ruby/Oz have their confidence broken when they learn a certain truth involving Salem: her being immortal/hermothersfate but while Ruby does get shaken by salem , she recovers quickly and strives to keep fighting. Ironwood, on the other hand, chooses to act like Ozpin and focus on putting off the problem as long as possible; by taking Atlas into the stratosphere, he is basically running away from Salem and giving her free rein on Remnant, and time to further build up her forces.

Yeah, this is a mad simplified and straight up misinformed ask, anon.

Starting with Ruby/Ozpin, it’s not that their trauma is done different in the same scenario, it’s that Ruby straight up ignores her trauma when it exeeds more than five seconds. Not only that, bu Ozpin never stopped fighting. He literally brought a time of peace by the time the show started. He created the Academies, Maidens, was behind many historically significant events with him being behind the idea of the creation of Atlas according to James in V7.

Ozpin kept fighting and gave the people he was protecting the means to defend themselves. Huntsmen were trained to fight the Grimm, the kingdoms were built to protect the innocent who would’ve been killed out in the undefended villages that exist outside these safe zones, either by bandits or grimm. He locked the relics away so Salem could never get them to rule over the people, he trusted a few close allies with most of the truth, and his flaw was not trusting them with everything, but that flaw is both explained and justified. When Ozpin tells people the whole truth, they either abandon the fight or straight up betray him. 

And he does this all while still trying to believe in the good of humanity. He’s faced with the serious trauma that his wife and abuser literally cannot be killed, that she will forever follow and hurt him (Imagine Blake and Adam but if Adam was immortal and their abuse had gone on for centuries rather than like five years), and yet he still tries again and again to keep fighting. Because if he gives up, humanity will be destroyed by Salem. 

Ruby keeps fighting, but she’s not fighting well. Her brief breakdown over the death of her mother feels unearned because she doesn’t know Summer. Her mother died when she was very young, since she apparently couldn’t even talk yet according to Yang. Summer is more of an abstract figure rather than a direct relation to Ruby, and any moment to help built up Ruby’s feelings and relation to Summer before V7 was a five minute gravescene that felt more like a tribute to Monty, and moments given to Yang. The worst part of that scene wasn’t that Ruby was upset over someone she doesn’t even know, but that Yang, the girl who did know Summer, had hardly any relevence in that scene apart from comforting Ruby. 

And in the end, it didn’t even matter! Ruby got right back up again and starts acting like a cocky little shit in the Ace Ops fight. Where was the sobbing girl from five seconds ago? The one who had her eyes start doing light shows and supposedly stop working? Cause that’s not the Ruby we get right after.

And her keeping fighting mentality? That’s going to get innocent people killed. It’s not a new flaw that Ruby has, she has the tendency to rush into fights without thinking, but the problem is that the show never treats it like a flaw. She jumped at the Deathstalker and nearly gets herself killed? Weiss saves her and that flaw is never chastised, only brought up in what was meant to be a moment of self reflection in V5, only for Ruby to keep doing it. She went to follow White Fang members in V2? She gets trapped underground and captured, needing her team to come and help her. She jumped into the fight with Tyrian despite Qrow repeatedly telling her to stay away? She distracts Qrow who has to save her, and then gets poisoned by Tyrian and almost ends up dying.

In V7? There is no other option. If there was a way for RWBY and their allies to keep fighting Salem’s forces and protect those being evacuated, that would lead to some credit to Ruby’s argument, but there isn’t. Ruby wants to keep fighting, and once again isn’t listening to realistic counters to her argument. They can’t keep fighting with Ironwood’s armies decimated, they can’t keep fighting with the Ace Ops exhausted and one having her Aura already shattered, they can’t keep fighting with the immortal witch that they know can’t be killed coming personally to the battlefield, nevermind the fact that a rogue Maiden and a seriously dangeorus criminal who nearly killed Ruby and Yang are already in Atlas.

Ironwood’s plan is cold and is an unfortunate plan that will get innocent civilians killed, but the fact of the matter is that it’s the only plan they have that doesn’t end in their immediate annihilation. I hate people saying that he’s running away, he’s retreating. He is making a tactical retreat so that they can build their forces and have time to plan a counterattack, time that they don’t have because the immortal witch who wants to kill them all is literally on their doorstep.

If Ruby had figured out that maybe her Silver Eyes could hurt Salem and suggested that, maybe they would’ve had a way to repel Salem even if they couldn’t defeat her. But Ruby hasn’t bothered to properly harness her powers outside of one lecture from Maria and barely beating the Leviathan before Cordovin had to come in and kill it for good. Ruby didn’t bother to further train her powers in the training montages we were given this whole volume, she’d rather be a Huntress and enjoy the benefits while simultaneously lying to her employer about the war he’s fighting in. 

In conclusion, fuck outta here. Ruby isn’t this pure soul who’ll always keep fighting, she’s a flat character who refuses to acknowledge her flaws and gets away with being a wholeass hypocrite by being sad sometimes. 

[davids-cartoon-corkboard]

Do you think that if Shredder!Raph will occur in rottmnt, the aftermath might result in Raph inheriting some of Shredder’s rage even after saved? Maybe that is how the crew is going to implement Raph’s trademark temper throughout previous generations and maybe even make him have to step down due to it, making Leo the new leader?

Short answer: “Inheriting the rage of a centuries-old demon" is a dope-ass idea, so if you’re a writer I would definitely encourage you to use that in your own stuff. But I think that if Raph’s temper worsens throughout the show, it should be because of his own character development and not a magical effect. However, a Shredder!Raph scenario could contribute to said worsening temper by inflicting emotional/psychological damage instead. :)

Long answer ahoy!

Looking at “Many Unhappy Returns” from the Shredder’s perspective makes it very clear why he does what he does. Like, he’s been dead for five hundred years, and then something went wrong with his resurrection. He’s waking up with no idea where he is or what’s going on and oh shit those guys are pointing weapons at him, that’s a threat!

Note that he doesn’t even bolt for them immediately, he does a warning stomp and screech (back off!) before starting to approach.

Those other guys are yelling, that’s also a threat,

and they’re closer so he’s gonna attack them first, actually. (None of the Foot wind up even comically injured, suggesting that flailing them around was an intimidation tactic rather than genuine Murderous Intent.)

And then the first group attacks, so of course he’s going to retaliate.

And then suddenly he’s somewhere else, with other threats (the animatronics), and then the first group that attacked him is back, so he’s gonna fight them again.

And these jerks just keep following him? He’s not going to ignore that. And WOW that’s a lot of bright lights and loud noises, which are also threats, what the fuck is going on?!

And then this tiny human girl chucks a giant metal box at him, holy SHIT?! Sure, the Shredder is a dangerous antagonist, but at this point I wouldn’t call him a “bad guy”, he’s literally just responding to what’s happening to him.

In summary, the Shredder was stressed tf out because he didn’t know where he was or what was happening, he retaliated against perceived threats, and quite possibly wouldn’t have attacked the turtles in the first place if they hadn’t just rushed in without understanding the situation.

Gosh, doesn’t that sound familiar?

So yeah, I’m waiting for Rise to give us that good good Shredder!Raph content.

As for the possibility of Leo taking over afterwards... no, but also yes, sort of? On the one hand, we know that Leo does have leadership capabilities, and it would be a waste for the narrative to not explore that. On the other hand, Rise has broken from the status quo in many ways, and it would also be a waste for the show to do a complete 180 and return to Leo Being The Leader™.

Consider how the “leader” role has influenced Leo in past iterations: his perfectionism wears on him and his brothers, any failure tanks his self-esteem, he feels isolated from the rest due to taking on such a large share of responsibility, being an authority figure grinds everyone’s gears, etc. It’s just bad for his mental health.

No doubt all this responsibility will also wear on Rise!Raph as the story progresses and the stakes get higher. It will be bad for him as well. But if Raph steps down, Leo will once again suffer from the weight of this role. So if neither option is quite correct, if neither brother can shoulder the burden of leadership alone, then the solution is just... for neither of them to shoulder the burden of leadership alone. Sure, Raph will probably remain leader in title and in spirit, but Leo taking on a sort of “deputy” role makes sense from a strategic standpoint, and would be good for his character development.

Here’s how I think it could go down:

The Shredder!Raph scenario will be different from the Shredder!Draxum scenario. The Shredder was starved for mystic energy the first time around, so he immediately chewed Draxum up and spit him out. But Raph could be compared more to a battery than a meal; it will take a while for the Shredder to drain him. And at this point the Shredder could be back in “evil samurai” mode, and thus will understand the value of holding Raph hostage.

Y’all who have followed my blog for a bit know about my “Raph is a system” theory; that when he was little, he got separated from his family and pursued by some cryptid hunter. This trauma formed Savage Raph, who is able to handle “being lost/alone/threatened” when Host Raph cannot. “Pizza Puffs” didn’t give us a lot of info about who I’m calling “Red Raph”, but he made his presence known when Host Raph was sort of... "emotionally alone”? In that his brothers were dying a little bit and too stoned to care.

So if Raph is trapped inside a living cage, scared and helpless and hurt and exhausted, his family unable to help him... he’s not going to be able to handle it.

Or, rather, Host Raph isn’t going to be able to handle it.

These two can, though.

I’m imagining a scene in the mindscape where the Shredder says something like “Your pathetic family cannot bear to strike you down, and so there is nothing that can stand in m- wait, why are there three of you OW FUCK-” Red and Savage will mentally kick his ass long enough for the other turtles to rip off a chunk of the armor so Leo can portal it into another dimension or something. Shredder gets K.O.’d since he’s not whole anymore, and the battle is won.

Since the armor didn’t drain Raph as severely as it did Draxum, he won’t become as weak as Draxum did. However, it will still take him some time to recover. Raph trusts Leo in serious moments as of “Many Unhappy Returns”, and he already took charge when Raph wasn’t available back in “Man vs. Sewer”. So Raph will be like, “Hey Leo, can you handle the Mad Dogs for a bit? Just long enough for me to get back on my feet.” And Leo will be like, “Sure bro, I’ve got this.”

He does not, in fact, “got this”. Leo’s ego has caused trouble before (”Shell in a Cell”, “Minotaur Maze”), and being in charge will no doubt go to his head. This has the potential for both comedy and seriousness, leading to wacky mishaps and genuine danger. Being the leader is hard work and it’s not always fun, but someone has to do it and Leo will have to put the others before himself for it to get done. Once Leo realizes this, he could bond with Raph by asking for his advice on leadership. Sometimes Leo will follow the advice and sometimes he won’t, sometimes that will work out and sometimes it won’t, laying the foundation for the idea that there are situations where it will be better for one or the other to lead, rather than having one lead all the time. But that will only happen for a few episodes, because Raph will heal quickly and he’ll be the leader again and everything will be fine!

Everything will not, in fact, be fine. Raph is the strongest in the family, the tank, the one who can take a hit so the smaller ones don’t have to... the idea of being hurt, of being weak, scares him because his family is also in danger if he’s unwell. So I don’t think he’ll acknowledge to anyone, not even himself, that getting possessed hurt him emotionally as well as physically. And when a wound isn’t acknowledged, it doesn’t get tended to, and when a wound isn’t tended to, it gets worse.

That he’s a system will add another layer of complexity to this. The Shredder!Raph incident would make all the alters aware of each other via mindscape shenanigans, but it would also leave them with the fear of not being in control, so I think they’ll come in conflict with each other for a bit. They’ll argue with themselves, switch, and lose time more often, enough that it impedes their ability to function and the other characters start to notice something is wrong.

Host Raph will convince himself that Everything Is Fine and try to get things “back to normal”, which probably means he’s just straight-up not going to acknowledge that he's a system. He’ll rationalize that he’s always “gotten weird” from time to time, so it’s nothing to think too hard about... right?

Savage Raph will be on high alert because they just survived a near-death (a near soul-destroying) experience. He’ll probably take the front and go overboard fighting some villains that Host Raph could have ordinarily fought on his own. It might also take a while to convince Savage Raph that these “sewer monsters” who keep following him around really don’t mean him any harm.

Red Raph will get snappy (pardon the pun) about the more social aspect of “not being in control”; that Host Raph asked Leo to be in charge and then Leo started being an egotistical dumbass. And when Leo does make the right decisions, Donnie and Mikey might side with him over Raph, and that will also grind his gears.

Mix all that together and you have a recipe for a capital b Breakdown.

So yeah, I can definitely see how the Shredder!Raph incident and its aftermath would worsen all three of their tempers, trauma will fuck up your emotions real bad. Perhaps Host Raph loses faith in himself and tries to step down and get Leo to replace him as leader... only for Leo to be like “Bro I cannot do this full time I will one hundred percent have my own Breakdown if that happens.”

The life lessons here are that Leo learns to offer support by sometimes taking the leader role; not to benefit his own ego, but because he wants to help Raph. And Raph learns to accept support by letting Leo be in charge sometimes; not because he’s weak or incapable, but because he can’t always be a Staunch Immovable Rock and he needs to let himself rest by trusting Leo.

And then the Raphs can work on communicating, cooperating, letting their allies know about them, digging into their trauma, etc. now that they have some breathing room.

(Do you think the Hidden City has therapists? Steven Universe and Mao Mao both have therapists can we BLEASE get one for Raph.)

[whatwouldyourbiasdo]

Finding Cinderella | Series | Chapter Two

Title: Finding Cinderella

Pairings: Donghae x reader,(Primary) Heechul x reader (Secondary), Kyuhyun x reader (Secondary)

Author’s Note: I have been planning this story for a while but have been battling many writers’ blocks in doing so. This story will mainly focus on Donghae and the reader but will have branching stories between Heechul, Kyuhyun and two secondary OC characters.

Sidenote: Yes, this series will include Kangin and Sungmin. This was originally started back when the two of them were still active members and in my heart they will always be members so I will include them wherever I see fit.

SM Entertainment plans to host the event of the century and you are invited!

The news headline offered as click bait got a lot of people talking. It wasn’t a complete lie as SM Entertainment was gearing up to host what they believed to be the event of the century and even a handful of lucky fans were going to be granted access to this exclusive party. But there was a catch.

Only a few lucky fans were going to receive a V.I.P. invitation to the party, a chance to meet all their favorite artists and celebrities as well as experience the best food and music they had ever come across.

In order to be considered for an invitation, fans had to record a video message stating why they loved SM Entertainment, what they felt like the company’s artists changed their lives and why they should be one of the honorable guests for the party. SM Entertainment artists would judge the videos and each group would collectively vote on one fan to personally invite to the party.

Some netizens criticized the requirements, stating that they were basically begging for people to praise them on video so they could use that to their advantage later as part of a sneaky promotional stunt, while other netizens praised the company for including fans who helped the company gain so much success over the past year.

Videos came flocking in as soon as the signup had opened, people had to create a personal account on the official SM Entertainment event page, fill out their profile and personal information and upload the video. On the first night, the event page managed to crash due to the traffic from all over the world though many netizens claimed the company would end up picking fans within Korea as they always seemed favorable to their country.

Not all the applications were valid to the competition, however. Some people thought this would be the perfect opportunity to get their own rise to fame and uploaded a video of them dancing, singing or acting in a desperate attempt to get discovered. Paying tribute to their favorite artists they sang their hearts out and tried to mimic the complicated choreography for as much as possible to showcase their own talents and abilities. Unfortunately for them, SM Entertainment wasn’t looking for new trainees and took no heed of these desperate audition attempts. And then there were the desperate fans who were just grasping the chance of conveying their messages to their favorite idols, hoping that their love confession would set off a series of events only seen in dramas.

Some, however, took it to the extreme. This platform was also the perfect opportunity for the so-called “sasaengs” to come forth with extreme and desperate messages stating that their “oppa” needed to love them and whoever would love them instead would face serious consequences. Most of them would receive a message that their account had been disabled for not following the rules and the company even issued a warning that those would continue sending disturbing messages would face legal repercussions.

   Lee Chanhee had hesitated several times about signing up and giving it a shot. She had been a big SM Entertainment fan for years, their artists and music ignited a light within her which sparked her passion for singing. There had even been people who told her she had actual star potential, the only thing that held her back was her fear. A fear to audition and get rejected. A fear of people who were supposed to be experts, rejecting her and crushing her dreams, killing the fire that fueled her passion. And the idea of the stress and demanding schedules she had heard about, it definitely made the idea of signing as an artist less favorable. Having all eyes on her, judging her every action and movement, commenting on anything she did or said or didn’t do or say, the pressure of being perfect… That was something she rather lived without. Instead, she decided to keep it low and sing for fun. Releasing online songs under a pseudonym to keep the mystery going, she gathered quite a fanbase of followers and viewers. And that was enough, for the time being.

But a chance to be invited inside SM Entertainment, to meet, greet and party with her favorite artists and get an idea of how the people she admired were in real life, without the cameras and the pressure to keep up their good image, that intrigued her. And so her mouse hovered over the signup button on the event page. But she didn’t click.

“Signing up means I have to record a video...” She let out a soft sigh as she considered her options. “Which means people will see my face… And they’ll judge my story...” They made it quite clear in the promotions that the artists were actually going to be reviewing the applications themselves and personally pick out a fan to invite. Which would mean she could have the chance to personally convey her feelings and experiences with her favorite artist, but that could also mean making a great fool out of herself. She could just imagine the groups watching her video, laughing at how ridiculously cringeworthy she looked.

But what exactly did she have to lose? None of them knew her and if her video was laughable at best, they wouldn’t invite her over which means that they would just as easily forget about her embarrassment. And if she did get invited then maybe, just maybe her video wasn’t as cringeworthy as she imagined it in her head.

“Yah! Chanhee-ah!” A voice called from the hallway as she heard the front door slam shut. Footsteps approached her bedroom door and a second later the door flung open revealing the dark haired girl that had burst into her apartment. Sometimes she regretted giving her the password. “Aish, there you are!”

“Oh, Miya-ah!” The curly haired girl nodded as she finally moved from her spot behind her computer and greeted her friend. Miya was a student at the Korean National University of Arts, majoring in vocal and dance courses whom Chanhee had met online right after she released her first ever song online under the pseudonym 월광 신데렐라 (moonlight cinderella). Miya was her first subscriber and commenter and had proceeded to comment, like and even promote every song she released after that. When Miya sent her a message asking if she was a student at her university and that she could introduce Chanhee to one of the music producer majors, she took the plunge and met up with Miya. And they have been friends ever since.

“Sorry, I’m late since the semester is ending they are killing us with exams and preparations,” The slightly shorter girl huffed as she dragged her bag over the floor.

“No problem!” Chanhee smiled as she inched closer to the girl with a curious gaze down on the bag she was dragging along. “So… You got the goods?”

“Ah?” Miya exclaimed, looking up at the taller curly haired girl with a somewhat confused gaze before realizing what she meant. “Oh! Yes! Miya's goody supplying service has done it again!” She grinned proudly as she crouched down and rummaged her bag until she pulled out the small USB stick. “Tadaa! I swear, Yunghwa was going to have a mental breakdown since his program kept crashing and it deleted his final project, you should have seen his face!” She mused, showing no signs of consideration towards her music producer friend she put in charge of helping produce and mix Chanhee’s releases.

“Aigoo, please thank him for me!” Chanhee humbled as she held her hands out for the USB stick, impatiently waiting to hear the final product. She had worked hard on this release, usually, she only produced covers of popular and lesser known songs, but this was the first re-write of a song she composed and she was eager to hear how it turned out before releasing it online.

She did feel sorry for putting so much pressure on Miya’s friend who she could imagine was under a lot of stress as was with finals creeping up. And to top it off, Yunghwa wasn’t even getting paid for the producing he did. Chanhee did offer, but Miya somehow found a way to have him do it without any reward. Chanhee decided not to ask questions.

“Psh, all he needs is a couple of cups of coffee and he’ll be good to go!” Miya smirked as she placed the USB in her hands. “So what were you up to?”

“I was wondering if I should sign up for the SM Entertainment event...” She muttered as she made her way back to her computer, playing with the USB in her hands.

“Oh, right… The fan event where they’re asking you to stick some feathers up their butts to make them feel good,” Miya hummed thoughtfully. She had heard about the event, not surprising since it was advertised everywhere and several of her fellow students had signed up. Not to mention her former roommate had been talking about all the things she had to arrange for it seeing as she found a full-time job at the company after dropping out of university.

Personally, she didn’t feel the appeal of the event, she highly doubted those lucky fans would even catch a glimpse of their idols and would most likely be stuffed in one corner of the venue. She could imagine most of the people that signed up merely did so to get to meet their wannabe husband or wife.

“It would be a chance of a lifetime to attend… Even if it’s just for the food.” Chanhee explained. “But I’m not sure if I’m so comfortable with recording a video message. Especially since the artists will hand pick the winners themselves.“

“Huh, you would think they’d have better things to do than to go through millions of fan videos.” Miya clicked her tongue as she brushed her fingers through her already messy hair. The thing about college students was that after a certain amount of time you stopped giving a crap about your appearance, the dress code was pajamas and dark eye circles most of the time anyway. “But these idols don’t know you, right? So what’s the worse that could happen? You’ll be one of a million rejected and they’ll probably not even remember your face or voice or anything.”

“See, that is what I was telling myself but still...” She bit the inside of her lip as she stared back at the signup screen.

“C’mon! Just do it, you know you want to or you wouldn’t be hesitating so much!” The smaller girl pressed her finger onto the curly haired girls to make her point. “Don’t think too much and just do it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!”

“Yes! Yes, you’re right! Let’s do it!” Chanhee encouraged herself as she finally clicked the sign-up button and filled out the information they requested. It also asked for a preferred group, seeing as they were going to divide the applications between all the groups to limit the amount of time their artist had to spent on watching and judging the videos. After thinking about it, she decided to sign up for Super Junior, reasoning that the group barely seemed to take themselves too seriously so if she ended up making a fool out of herself they would most like just brush it off as adorable at least. Or that’s what she kept telling herself as encouragement.

“Lemme know how the track sounds before releasing it and if you need anything changed hit me up and I will pester Yunghwa into fixing it!” Miya mentioned as she hoisted her bag over her shoulder again. She didn’t have enough time to stick around unfortunately, a student’s duty called and she had to get back to campus for a couple more classes.

“Thanks a lot, Miya!” Chanhee beamed as she turned to look at her friend. “I owe you a lot!”

“Aye, what kind of fan would I be if I didn’t go to the extreme for my precious unnie!” She flashed her a cheeky smile and winked as she finished her words before heading out. “Good luck!”

Chanhee waited for her friend to leave and the sound of the door falling back into its automated lock before opening her recording program and turning on her camera. She stared at her own reflection in the screen, huffing as she brushed her fingers through her soft curls trying to get them to twirl a way that would look decent on camera. Patting her cheeks she wondered if she needed to add some more makeup or if it were best to just go with the natural look to give them the right idea of the girl proclaiming her love to the company.

“Ok Chanhee,” She took a deep breath, her finger hovering over the record button. “It’s now or never, I can do this!” She cleared her throat and hit the red button.

“Annyeonghaseyo, Lee Chanhee imnida. Twenty-five years old, veterinary assistant... “ the curly haired girl introduced herself with a shy smile and soft voice. She was fidgeting with her curls as she seemed to try and think of the right words to say.

“I guess I should be answering some of these questions…” Her eyes darted off to the words on the screen for a moment as she mouthed the question first before turning back to the camera with a thoughtful look on her face.

“Um… How has SM Entertainment influenced my life? I guess I would say it has turned my world upside down...” A soft chuckle escaped her lips as she finished her words. “Ah, but not in a bad way! Not at all… It has shown me that music is so much more than a simple melody and some words. It’s about the feeling and message that it’s trying to convey. Connecting people with a mutual feeling, regardless of boundaries set by society… I think that’s what makes it beautiful.”

She seemed to really be contemplating her words as she no longer focused on the camera and as her mind wandered off to the message she was trying to convey, she seemed less nervous. “The first song from SM Entertainment that I had ever heard was sung by Super Junior, and it seemed to speak to me in a way I never expected music to do… In particular when Kyuhyun’s part came up. His voice managed to capture the words and the message, touching every heartstring by singing. It felt like he was conveying the message straight to my heart without ever having met. That’s the power of real talent, it says a lot about the artist's abilities.”

A soft hum escaped her lips as she let her own words sink in for a moment, hesitating whether or not she should keep speaking. It was clear that there was more to say, but she wasn’t sure if she could. “Music has saved my life in more ways than one. And to show gratitude I have always supported all the artists. If I ever had the chance to meet them, I would like to thank them for all the strength their music has given me…”

Her eyes moved up to the question on the screen again as she read the final question. “Ah… In all honesty, I’m not sure if I can answer the last question. I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who would deserve being invited more than me. So I’m not going to answer why I think I’m more deserving or special than all the other fans, everyone has their own reasons for being and their own story to tell. So if I get chosen I will feel blessed and thankful, but if not then I will still be right here, supporting the artists to the best of my abilities, that’s the least I could do.”

As she spoke her final words the screen turned to black as the video had finished. The boys stared at the screen for a moment as they let the message sink in before speaking.

“Wow, that has to be the most genuine message we have seen so far...” Sungmin finally spoke up, breaking the silence filling the Super Junior office.

So far they had seen fans declaring their undying love to the company and them as artists draped in every single Super Junior merchandise they could find. Swinging lightsticks, screaming out their names, high on energy drinks and showing the posters that covered their bedroom walls.

But this girl seemed to really take the requirements seriously. She recorded a video and answered the questions diligently and genuinely. Judging by appearance compared with some of the other videos, you could hardly tell she was a fan. But listening to her words, it was clear she thought long and hard about what she wanted to say and she actually knew what she was talking about.

“Tch, unbelievable she chose Kyu’s voice over mine!” Heechul smirked as he nudged the younger male playfully. He had seemed flustered when the girl started speaking about his ability to convey a message. Sure, he had been praised for his voice and talent before but for some reason the way she praised him felt different.

“She knows her stuff, that’s for sure!” Ryeowook nodded in agreement, it wasn’t surprising that someone praised Kyuhyun’s voice. He was one of the main vocalists after all.

“Let’s just pick hers since I doubt there will be any other actual entries on this list!” Kangin stated as he pulled out his phone. They had been watching videos for several hours now, some more cringeworthy and loud than others. He could understand that people were excited to have a chance to meeting them, but after several hours of sitting in one spot and watching these videos, he was in dire need of some change of scenery.

“That wouldn’t be fair towards the other fans,” Leeteuk felt somewhat guilty about the idea of skipping the rest of the entries right away. “I’m sure all of them put a lot of thought and dedication into it.”

“Well, can we at least call in for some food and drinks then?” Shindong suggested, maybe if they had food to keep them busy, enduring these videos would seem a lot less tiring. It was nice to hear all the praise their fans had given them, it definitely made all of them feel grateful for having such a dedicated fanbase.

“Pizza?” Yesung suggested, feeling peckish himself.

“No, chicken!” Eunhyuk protested as he was craving the taste of juicy fried chicken a lot more at the moment, already licking his lips at the thought of it.

“Why not both?” Donghae shrugged, it wouldn’t be the first time they mix and matched their food preferences because honestly, trying to decide on what to eat with ten - thirteen different cravings wasn’t exactly the easiest task in the word.

“Pizza and chicken sound good to me!” Kyuhyun nodded, finally joining in on the conversation. His mind had been replaying the words of praise Chanhee had spoken before, wondering why those specific words seemed to get to him so much.

“I’ll be right back, you guys keep watching!” their manager nodded as he left the room and headed down the hallway. “Ah! Park-ssi!”

The girl stopped in her tracks as she heard her name being called, turning in the direction of the voice as her crimson locks danced around her face. She bowed in greeting as the manager approached her.

“Yes? How can I help you?”

“I need you to order a couple of pizzas and boxes of fried chicken,” the manager told her as he nudged his head back to the office behind him. “The boys are going through the applications and they’re starting to get restless so they need some food to tie them over.”

“The boys?” She arched a brow curiously as she glanced over at the door leading to the office, hearing muffled voices from the other side. “Ah, Super Junior right? Pizza and chicken? Sure, of course, I can arrange that for you.”

“Thank you, I knew I could count on you!” he smiled thankfully as he bowed his head in gratitude. “Don’t take too long, though. They still have a lot of applicants to review.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll have them deliver in fifteen minutes,” Eunmi grinned as she nodded in understanding. “You know how persuasive I can be after all.”

[nyndelion]

共感 - empathy -

MP100; Serizawa & Reigen centric fanfic

SFW, general audiences, no pairings, AU

Wordcount: 2058

AO3 link

“Reigen-san… Why don’t you relax and take a break for a bit?”

The blonde looked up from his laptop to the man sitting across the room, feeling his facial muscles stiff and tired, especially around his eyes. “You don’t know how much I literally can Not do that right now without my business to collapse before my very eyes, Serizawa” Even as exhausted as he looked – and sounded -, he still conveyed his words dramatically, punctuating every other expression with his usual wild gestures, achieving to make Serizawa’s mouth corners lift slightly. “This is serious business, after that quite problematic case we had this week, I really got to work my ass off so we don’t get sued, and also I am late with taxes, which is the last thing we need after all that” He returned his eyes to his laptop screen. “Doing taxes correctly could be the sole difference between a running, successful business and a sinking one”.

Serizawa stayed silent, but kept looking at his boss. Reigen’s face was being illuminated by the computer screen, adding a creepier and sick looking glow to it, intensifying by the minute as the sun started to set outside, darkening the already closed Spirits & Such office, where the two men kept working on different kinds of paperwork. He looked down to his hands, fidgeting absentmindedly; Serizawa knew he couldn’t really help his boss with what troubled him right now, given he was extremely inexperienced in all this ‘serious intimidating adult stuff’, as he prefers calling it, and suggested Reigen to take a break in the first place as it was the only thing that he came up with after at least 20 minutes of being the only witness to the greatly unpleasant vibes he was letting swarm all around the office.

The truth no one else knew yet is, after his first encounter with Shigeo Kageyama at the stairs of that building in the center of Seasoning City two and a half months ago, Serizawa got a new power off of Shigeo’s display of empathy towards him when he returned the ball of energy that was tossed at him by accident, resulting in Serizawa to be able to sense other people’s most intense emotions, even if they weren’t ESPers themselves. He was able to sense, and even sometimes clearly see how that intense emotional energy spread in the ambient, and how it interacted with the energy of animals, plants, minerals, and other people.

He had to admit that a couple of weeks after gaining this new ability, and after getting used to it and recognizing the similarities in the more usual emotions and the way different people used to release the analogous energy, it was very useful in everyday life. He could prevent himself from interacting with angry strangers that might lash out on him simply because he wanted to know where the soup aisle was in the convenience store, or be more mindful and kind if interacting with someone that was trying really hard not to let out an especially dreadful sad energy. So yeah, for someone that struggled reading new circumstances and that tends to overanalyze everyday social situations to the verge of anxious breakdowns, it was a very useful tool at trying to be more independent and navigate casual human relationships more confidently.

However, these new ‘empathy powers’ could be perplexing in other circumstances, such as interacting with someone every day. And even more perplexing if that someone was, well… Reigen.

Serizawa wasn’t complaining, not at all, but he also couldn’t really lie to himself about this. If social relationships and being able to ‘read the mood’ successfully were a mystery to him back then in grade school, and even more after being a hikikomori for so long, existing around Reigen and being able to sense his many fluctuating, often contradictory and usually intense emotions without enough verbal correlation that served as an explanation or context for such sudden changes made their time together at the office – that is, while not doing any exorcism job- a hell of a ride for him, as a certified anxious overanalyzer he was.

So, even is this has been a rather calm day at the office and he could finally get some school assignments done before going home, at some point of the evening the dreadful energy emanating from the self-proclaimed Greatest Psychic of the 21st Century started to distract him from his task, and also to slightly upset him. He could sense stress, fear, a little bit of anger, and something else there he couldn’t really place, that he didn’t sense before he tried to talk Reigen into taking a break. It was something bittersweet that seemed almost out of place in the mix, but that was surely filtering all the energy and spreading in every direction, circulating viciously as if made out of thick smoke, hovering the plants that Reigen kept there and tried to take care of, slowly infecting their faint pale green auras.

Serizawa decided he needed to do something, even if it was a small gesture. Now Reigen had started to stamp his feet rhythmically, adding more frustration to the emotional soup, in pumps that mixed extremely well with the prevailing anger, enhancing it. He thought he better change his strategy; he had already tried talking to convince Reigen he needed a break, and he had been around long enough to realize insistence didn’t work well with him, given he could easily turn the tables around in any kind of debate. So he stood up and went to the kitchen.

He started by boiling some water, and reaching out to the assorted tea box from the counter cabinet. He then saw the dark brown box that was hidden behind the other, more colorful one, and remembered the time Reigen told him to keep it a secret from the teenagers that used to frequent the office a couple of days every week, since it was his preferred dark chocolate he kept for special occasions, such as when he had an unusual sweet tooth day. Serizawa connected the dots and realized that the ‘sweet tooth days’ were those when Reigen released more of what seemed sad energy all of a sudden, which perplexed Serizawa because he didn’t have almost anything to work out the reasons that could have triggered those sad emotions waves. He could only guess it seemed to be something unpleasant he saw on his computer.

Suddenly, he thought… maybe that out of place emotion he sensed that beamed from Reigen after he told him to go take a break was sadness? No, it was clearly something else, but it was quite similar. Maybe it was a complex emotion that had sadness into its mix.

By now, the water he put in the electric kettle had finished boiling, so he took the box that was hiding at the end of the counter and proceeded to make some chamomile and honey tea for his boss. He realized the chocolate box was halfway eaten already, and doubted if it was ok to bring it to him all of a sudden, without him asking to… But then he sensed another frustrated / anxious / angry / bittersweet unplaced emotion wave reaching him and he knew it was the right thing to do right now. Didn’t Reigen tell him more than once to trust his inner voice more and make decisions by himself in order to learn how to be a fully functional, contributing member to society? Maybe this was a good way to practice.

After taking the tea mug and the chocolate box in his hands, Serizawa stood in the kitchen for some seconds before going out to the main office room, breathing deeply through his nose a couple of times to relax and think about the exact words he was going to say. This was another technique his boss taught him, originally to be used before talking to customers, and he has been using it to any other occasion that seemed to get him nervous, since now that he didn’t have his umbrella he realized he needed all the help he could get to get a hang of how unpredictable and chaotic adult life could be.

Finally, he could gather himself enough to come out of the kitchen and approach Reigen’s desk determinately. He didn’t seem to realize he was heading to his desk until he was handing him the mug and the chocolate box. New –and old- emotions were now pumping from him, adding to the soup… Surprise, confusion, that bittersweet emotion again. No anger though; good to go, then.

“Hey, Reigen-san, I thought I should bring you something to help you, and given I couldn’t really help directly with the task you were working on, I figured that maybe I could help with the relaxing part a bit… I hope that’s ok” He turned his eyes away from Reigen’s, not being able to maintain eye contact for much longer as he realized the other man’s gaze was getting more intense. He sensed the surprise to give itself way further into the atmosphere, tuning down the more intense stressful emotions, but also giving more space to the bittersweet emotion to intensify. It was a little different than before, though…

“Ah, Serizawa! Did you suddenly become a telepath?” Reigen’s tone of voice and teasing attitude was very off tune with what his emotional energy gave off, as usual. Serizawa got stiff after the last part. “Hey, that was a joke! Everyone knows telepathy is a bunch of bullcrap, remember you don’t have to take everything so seriously” Reigen finally took the mug and chocolate box from his employee’s hands, letting out more of that weird bittersweet emotion as he put the chocolate box in his desk and proceeded to open it. Now that Serizawa was getting more familiarized with this emotion, he could sense it was morphing to something… warmer? “Y’know, I guess it’s time for a well-deserved break… Hmm?” He screened rapidly at Serizawa, “You didn’t make some tea for yourself? Aren’t you taking a break too? It won’t contribute to a good break atmosphere if you just keep stressing over your homework” he stated, matter-of-factly.

“Yes, sir!” Serizawa went back to the kitchen and prepared himself some green tea with mint. When he stepped back in the office he could sense how the energy changed drastically, now everything was tinted with a warm kind of drowsiness, an energy that surely was fainter than the last stress emotion soup they were being affected by, but that was effective enough to almost wipe it out completely, only a vague sense of nervousness and that bittersweet morphed feeling fluttering around. Also now there was a calming classical music video Reigen was playing on his computer, while sitting on one of the armchairs, across the coffee table Serizawa was using as a desk. He was sitting with his legs crossed, fully supporting his back in the armchair, while taking one chocolate square from the open chocolate box that now was placed in the middle of the coffee table. It seemed he was taking this break very seriously.

Serizawa sat across Reigen in the other armchair. The later coughed a couple of times before talking in a nonchalant way, as if sharing a random thought “I just remembered, I read the other day a quote from this very successful businesswoman on FriendBook, that it’s important to remember any time you apparently are getting stuck into a problem that seemed unsolvable to not let it fool you, no problem in life is unsolvable. You just need to take a break, do something that helps you clear your mind, and look at it in another perspective. Y’know Serizawa, that could really help you in your studies if you find yourself in a seemingly dead end. Remember this advice next time you feel like you need to take a break, and let me now, ok? I’ll try to do the same”.

“Yes, that seems very reasonable” Serizawa held his mug with both hands, staring down at his tea with a soft smile in his mouth, feeling the much calmer atmosphere that surrounded his boss, and realizing the new warm feeling that emanated from him could be placed as gratitude. His new Reigen-convincing technique was officially a hit.

[thesparkjournal]

THE CONTRADICTIONS OF CAPITALISM AND TECHNOCRATIC UTOPIAN FUTUROLOGY

A CRITIQUE OF FULLY AUTOMATED LUXURY COMMUNISM Review by Roger Perkins

[Author Aaron Bastani, formerly known as Aaron Peters, one-time contributor to the UCL Conservative Society newspaper and researcher for the Blairite thinktank Demos]

There is no single contradiction or combination of contradictions that will make capitalism miraculously dissolve away into a communist nirvana. Capitalism in severe crisis does not collapse or fade away. Capitalism always fights back, searching for out-of-the-box configurations that give it new life. Therefore, capitalism must be consciously brought down and replaced with a new consciously-built socialist society. This imperative, the most important in human history, must begin, if not yesterday, then certainly today.

Contemporary capitalism is split by serious contradictions and seismic fault cleavages under increasing stress. The basic contradiction of capitalism is the contradiction between the social character of production and the private capitalist form of appropriation. In Anti-Dühring, Engels stated:

The contradiction between socialised production and capitalistic appropriation manifested itself as the antagonism of proletariat and bourgeoisie. (Karl Marx Frederick Engels Collected Works, Volume 25, page 256)

The resulting class struggle together with numerous economic crises and cycles have proven in the short and medium term to be features of a more or less “stable” capitalism and do not by themselves threaten the immediate collapse of capitalism.

However from time to time Marxists, non-Marxists, and even a few capitalists have sought out the fatal contradiction of capitalism. For example, it was postulated that the “Law of the Tendency of the Rate of Profit to Fall” would cause capitalism to grind to a halt. Investment would end if profit was no longer likely. But a tendency for the rate of profit to fall is not the same as an iron-clad law mandating the rate of profit to always fall. Counter tendencies, in theory and observed in practice, can bring about a rise. This was the view of Marx. Although Marx asserted that the law of the tendency of the rate of profit to fall was “the most important law of modern political economy” and “the most essential one for comprehending the most complex relationships ….” (Collected Works, Volume 29, page 133; Penguin Grundrisse, page 748) he nevertheless also stated that this law “operates only as a tendency. And it is only under certain circumstances and only after long periods that its effects become strikingly pronounced”. (Capital, Volume III, Collected Works, Volume 37, page 237; Penguin translation of Capital, Volume III, page 346) Only until capitalism is finally declared dead on a world-wide basis and the inevitable socialist forensic autopsy is performed will one be able to determine the extent a “falling rate of profit” played in its demise.

A more recent attempt to single out a possible fatal contradiction of capitalism occurred in conjunction with the so-called “greening of Marxism”. James O’Connor, founding editor of the eco-socialist journal Capitalism, Socialism, Nature, put forth the view that the “contradiction between the forces and relations of production” resulting in overproduction, crises, etc. is now in the process of being overshadowed by a Great Second Contradiction of Capitalism. Expandor-die capitalism is incapable of greening itself or reversing its expansion imperative to become a stable, steady-state capitalism. The dynamic logic of capitalism forces it to foul its own nest with run-away civilization imperiling climate change, environment destroying pollution and depletion of necessary resources. In addition to O’Connor’s “forces of production and relations of production” the conditions of production have now allegedly risen to prominence and will severely, even fatally, log-jam capitalism to a halt. Capitalist think-tanks are busy in search of ways to overcome this Great Second Contradiction of Capitalism while staying within the boundaries of a still recognizable capitalism and not straying over the border into obvious socialist solutions. So far they have not been anywhere near successful.

While O’Connor’s Great Second Contradiction of Capitalism is said to be located in production (conditions of production), the contradictions engendered by ever-increasing automation are observed in the sphere of consumption. At first automation was said to create as many new jobs as it displaced. But as the twentieth century progressed it became clear that the new jobs were mostly low-paid, precarious jobs for those who were able to obtain them and long-term, debilitating unemployment for those who did not. The working class, to an even greater extent than before, no longer had the purchasing power to buy what it produced – thus an under-consumption crisis.

This can be illustrated by the famous legendary encounter between Walter Reuther, head of the United Autoworkers of America (UAW) and a Ford Motor Company executive who had invited Reuther to tour the just-opened automated Ford plant in Cleveland. Reuther was confronted with acres of automated machines and robots. The usual assembly line of workers was nowhere to be seen. Instead a few thinly-dispersed technicians stood before a panel of green and yellow flashing lights making occasional adjustments to the production process. The Ford executive, with a gloating and gleeful grin turned to Reuther and confidently declared, “These robots, of course, receive no wages, zero pensions, never go on strike and they don’t pay any union dues to you!” Reuther immediately replied: “And neither do they buy any of your cars.”

The natural tendency of capitalism to cause a crisis of overproduction with the resulting temporary layoff of workers is said to have been morphed into the permanent massive disappearance of jobs accompanied by massive underconsuption.

In addition to the tendency of the rate of profit to fall, the destruction of the conditions of production and everincreasing automation there are many other contradictions of capitalism. For those who want to explore further, the following books may be of use:

Seventeen Contradictions of Capitalism, David Harvey, 2014

Breakdown of Capitalism: History of the Idea in Western Marxism 1883-1983, F. R. Hansen 1985, reprinted 2017

Capitalism’s Contradictions: Studies of Economic Thought Before and After Marx, Henryk Grossman, reprinted 2017

Contemporary Capitalism: New Developments and Contradictions, N. Inozemtsev, Progress Publishers: Moscow, 1974

The Scientific and Technological Revolution and the Contradictions of Capitalism, N. Inozemtsev, Progress Publishers: Moscow, 1982 

With the arrival of the twenty-first century, Aaron Bastani, the author of Fully Automated Luxury Communism: A Manifesto, believes a new third qualitative leap in human history is about to take place. The first qualitative leap was the invention of agriculture, which was vastly superior to hunting and gathering. The second was the Industrial Revolution, particularly the invention of the steam engine which accelerated capitalism and sped it down the tracks to eventual world dominance. And three, the epoch we are now entering, one of boundless abundance made possible by hyper-fast quantum computers exhibiting high levels of artificial intelligence (AI).

In Bastani’s mind automation itself will undergo a capitalism-ending giant qualitative leap which, while ironically solving most of the existing contradictions of capitalism, will nevertheless become the fatal contradiction of capitalism. This new artificial intelligence (AI) society will result in the vanishing of the working class because living labour power will no longer be hired. The working class has been digitized into computer zeros and ones. Variable capital has now become constant capital – or so Bastani claims.

The author states that all of our material needs will be produced very, very cheaply – almost for free – by gigantic computer-commanded 3-D printers. Bastani operates under the slogan “Information Wants to be Free” and gives the example of music now being free (but perhaps illegal) on the internet after having been digitized. This AI/knowledge society will be incompatible with a capitalist market economy, thus negating capitalism as well. But, according to the logic of Bastani, capitalists without a market would find themselves disoriented and confused. Under the infinite weight of AI technology they would not resist their inevitable demise. Therefore there would be no need to consciously overthrow capitalism and replace it with socialism. Capitalism just becomes irrelevant and sublimates away like dry ice. Such a view has more in common with 1950s social democracy than Marxism – an extreme version of “peaceful transition”.

And all of this will happen, not in some indefinite distant future when lowerstage socialism has evolved into communism, but only a few short decades away from now– maybe as little as only two decades away (around the 2040s). If only these fantastic predictions of Bastani were true! Communism is only twenty years or so hence and no revolution or socialist transition period necessary!

[Bourgeois futurologist pulp dates gracelessly in capitalist society: the above book chokes up the dollar bins of the English-speaking world]

Unfortunately, the author has combined some of the worst features of early utopian socialism with the speculative endeavors of modern bourgeois futurologists. Marx was hesitant to describe the future in more than a sketchy outline and certainly not in the fleshed-out and extensive details of the utopian socialists. Bastani on the other hand has no such hesitation. Meat would be grown in vats of nutrient fluid. There would be no need to cut down the oxygen-generating Amazon rain forest to create grazing land for methane-emitting cattle which would then get slaughtered for McDonald’s burgers. Declining scarce resources on Earth? Just get them from the moon or other planets – or, better yet, lasso a mineral-rich asteroid and tow it into a near-earth orbit. The author fails to mention any breakthrough regarding nuclear fusion on Earth, but why bother, we already have the sun. The new AI society will tap this free energy. No need to burn fossil fuels and Voila!, the climate change crisis solved.

The author provides technological solutions to most of the problems facing capitalism today, including health care (genetic modification and AI designed super drugs) and growing poverty (food, clothing and shelter – almost free due to AI mass production).

But the predictions of futurologists have often proven quite wrong. For instance, sixty years ago it was believed that by the year 2000 we would all be driving flying cars. It didn’t happen. This is most fortunate because automobiles raining down from the sky after an aerial freeway pile-up would be a very dangerous hazard indeed. A new category of statistical information would be necessary – death by falling vehicle.

Bastani doesn’t seriously consider that predictions are just that – predictions. He projects observed trends into the future as certainties, even having them manifest themselves almost within the same decade – a very unlikely occurrence. Even if one trend came true as predicted, he ignores the fact that a collectivity of many and different, interacting trends complicates accurate forecasting to an extreme degree. His thinking is mechanical, linear and not dialectical. He does not comprehend that all trends are subject to various contingencies, unintended consequences and even collateral damage to other trends, thereby altering the development path projected. Nevertheless Bastani plunges into the future with a fully elaborated utopian scheme – Fully Automated Luxury Communism (FALC). The author utilizes cherry-picked quotes from Marx throughout his book but is, in reality, much more a utopian technocratic futurologist than a clear-headed Marxist.

Who then is Aaron Bastani?

Bastani, UK-born and with a Ph.D. in political communication from the University of London, started his political journey with a family-inherited Tory outlook. He later opted for the Green Party, read Marx, continued his journey to the left and has now parked himself in the Labour Party recently led by Jeremy Corbyn. Along the way he co-founded Novara Media – a British left-leaning alternative media platform. However, Bastani’s media appearances are not confined to Novara and other fringe outlets. He is often invited as a guest on establishment media as well – BBC, Sky News, etc., where he sometimes dons a black T-shirt emblazoned with the message: “I am a Communist”. But is Bastani , his subjective beliefs notwithstanding, really a communist? Only by expanding the meaning of the word to its outermost fuzzy boundary, can Bastani be hesitantly identified as some sort of technocratic utopian “communist”. His views are not at all compatible with those of Marx, Lenin or historical materialists of today. The author’s political journey has definitely not arrived at the place called “Marxism”.

For Marxists, class is of the essence. For Bastani, class forces play little role. It is the forces of AI technology that have taken over. The working class (a prominent feature of Marxism) seems to have “died and gone to heaven”. It has been replaced by zeroes and ones and can no longer be exploited by capital because it has been absorbed into capital itself. As for the bourgeoisie, its class power has been sucked into the black hole of ever- increasing artificial intelligence. There is, however, a technocratic, vanguard-elite stratum of the population in his vision of society, but nowhere does the author state outright that it has become a new ruling class. What we are left with is some sort of amorphous multitude where class concepts are no longer applicable.

The political expression of this multitudinous blob of humanity Bastani calls “luxury populism”. Because Bastani believes the soon-to-arrive FALC is so overwhelming and inevitable, he doesn’t envision much political self-activity from the declassed and depoliticized masses. Although the author believes “the party form … makes increasingly little sense”(p.194), he flip-flops and advocates a FALC-led electoral party not too dissimilar from the Labour Party of 2019 – one of the very few instances where he recommends any sort of political action whatsoever. This party is necessary because the not-to-be trusted masses of Luxury Populism could go astray if not guided by the wisdom of committed FALC-ites. This party of “communist” technocracy would organize perfunctory “demonstration elections” because “people do not care about politics" and “it is only around elections” that the multitude is “open to new possibilities.”(p.195).The author is oblivious to other events that cause people to “care about politics” and become “open to new possibilities” – e.g. general strikes, wars, revolutionary situations, etc.

Apparently humankind’s path from capitalism to communism doesn’t include general strikes or revolutionary situations.

As for the possibility of war – imperialist nuclear war that could kill billions and set humanity back many thousands of years – Bastani obviously sees little danger because he fails to discuss this horrible possibility. If so, he is walking towards his “inevitable” utopian future with his eyes closed.

Though ignoring the working class in general the author does issue advice to present-day trade unions. To resist austerity is okay, but traditional trade union demands against capital should be shunted aside. Instead, unions should reorient themselves and attack the necessity of work itself. They should force corporations to introduce AI as soon as possible and as deeply as possible!

There is an anti-communist white thread running throughout the book. The only type of communism Bastani approves of is the “communism” of his own concoction –FALC. The author claims FALC differs from traditional communism in that it “recognizes the centrality of human rights, most importantly the right of personal happiness”(page 193). He gives no examples whatsoever to support this slanderous assertion. In answer to this anti-communist slop, let it be stated that communists are, of course, strongly in support of personal happiness and hold that it is achieved not in individual isolation but in the practice of a collective /individual dialectic. Human rights must be viewed not in the abstract in a form devoid of class content. They must be viewed concretely and the following question asked: “human rights” for whom and for what purpose? A capitalist whose bank has been nationalized would surely claim that the human right of ownership has been violated. That capitalist would also probably claim that the right to a job, healthcare and education are not human rights. And then there is “human rights imperialism”. Let us hope that Bastani has not fallen victim to such lying hypocrisy. But his “new communism” must, by any means necessary, be strongly marked off from the “old” communism.

Although Bastani does not extensively attack Lenin and the Russian Revolution, he does make his views known. He identifies with the Mensheviks who claimed that Russia was too technologically backward to even consider setting out on the path towards socialism/communism. The fact that he often quotes Marx but not Lenin is telling in itself (Marx good; Lenin bad). He describes the Bolshevik Revolution as an “anti-liberal coup” (p. 193). He condemns Leninism by falsely claiming that it “views production, and by extension working class subjectivity, as critical while ignoring a world whose ideas and technologies are hugely changed” (p. 196). But it is Bastani himself who views technological AI production as critical while failing to grasp that workingclass subjectivity (consciousness) is indeed one of the most important necessities in the defeat of capitalism.

Bastani instinctively knows that Communists would be highly critical of his smooth and speedy road to Fully Automated Luxury Communism – therefore Marxism Leninism must be run-over and left behind as road-kill.

The Scottish poet Robert Burns famously said that the best laid plans of mice and men go oft awry. No doubt reality itself will cause Bastani’s grandiose FALC to crash to earth. Will the author then concoct another and different utopian blueprint or will he become a disillusioned and cynical Labourite and maybe concentrate more on his business ventures? Or will he continue his political hopscotch and jump to the left and finally become a clear-headed Marxist (and Leninist)? It’s unlikely, but let us hope so. Or will he instead jump to the right and follow in the footsteps of former Labour Member of Parliament Sir Oswald Mosley, who had been considered a potential Labour Prime Minister? Mosley, however, defected from the Labour Party and founded the British Union of Fascists in 1932. Mosley’s mentor, Benito Mussolini, was also once a “socialist”. This reviewer will make no speculative predictions concerning the exact arrangement of Bastani’s future political kaleidoscope. It is his present political orientation as expressed in FALC that should cause concern.

The 1989 Hollywood hit movie Field of Dreams gave us the classic dialogue quote: “If you build it they will come.” In contrast Bastani’s 2019 science- fiction Field of Dreams tells us: Don’t build it and communism will come.

By relying on the almost infinite power of a qualitatively new artificial intelligence the author ignores the revolutionary practice of oppressed classes. No need to build any foundational construction that prepares for a revolutionary situation. Technological determinism has run amok. Just let the fatal contradiction of capitalism do its thing. The author leaves us with the impression that even if all anti-capitalists, revolutionaries and militant workers were to be placed in the deep sleep of suspended animation until after 2040 they would wake-up to Fully Automated Luxury Communism. Revolutionary cadres and a revolutionary organization not needed. This book is worse than seriously flawed; it is even dangerous, because it leaves us with the impression that passivity is a viable option.

Communists are not Luddite opponents of automation and AI. Many of the predictions of FALC will eventually become true although on a varied and much-altered time scale and under very different conditions than those envisioned by the author. But, however embodied or personified AI becomes, it cannot by itself function as avatar or proxy agent for qualitative change from one socioeconomic system (capitalism) to another (socialism/ communism). That role still belongs to a new and always changing working class. For Bastani the working class is not an agent of social change – only flotsam in the AI tsunami. For revolutionaries the working class, its party and allies must be recognized as the decisive core of the coming revolutionary process. The publishing of Bastani’s Fully Automated Luxury Communism will not get him rewarded with rapture to AI heaven. Instead, without decisive working-class action he will find himself engulfed in the flames of a capitalist hell-on-earth.

In conclusion: The declassed technological delusions and utopian visions of Aaron Bastani are dangerously wrong. The publisher, Verso Books, has given us a lemon, the lemonade of which is useful only to those who undertake grand “thought experiments” or seek truth via the maze of error.

Furthermore, speculations about the fatal contradiction of capitalism must be subordinated to the organization of a consciously socialist working class whose party is ready for and knowledgeable regarding what Lenin called a “revolutionary situation”. There is no single contradiction or combination of contradictions that will make capitalism miraculously dissolve away into a communist nirvana. Capitalism in severe crisis does not collapse or fade away. Capitalism always fights back, searching for out-of-the-box configurations that give it new life. Therefore, capitalism must be consciously brought down and replaced with a new consciously-built socialist society. This imperative, the most important in human history, must begin, if not yesterday, then certainly today.

[obaewankenope]

If you want "Absconding with Harry" questions, talk to us about how time-turners compare to Crowley's ability to halt time. Like... compare and contrast.

I’m not going to lie, nonnie, I legit grinned in delight at this. Warning, incoming nerding.

.

Okay. This- this is interesting.

So, in order to answer thisquestion, we first must consider the nature of the time-turner in HPcanon. Looking it up on the HP wiki gives us a general run-down ofhow they work:

“...a magical device used for time travel… encased anHour-Reversal Charm in the time turners...for additional stability.The number of times one turned the hourglass corresponded to thenumber of hours one travelled back in time. However, they can onlystay in the past for five hours at a time, without the possibility ofserious harm to the traveller or to time itself.” -https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Time-Turner

So the time-turner is anHour-Reversal Charm placed on a magical artefact which can be used bya magical user to travel up to five hours back in time. We knowthat’s how they work courtesy of Harry Potter and thePrisoner of Azkaban whenHermione and Harry use her time-turner to rescue Sirius and Buckbeakfrom death and dementors. The movie gives us a sort of visual of howits conceptualised as working, with time happening in reverse aroundHarry and Hermione, whilst they are unaffected. Their present formsdisappear from Ron’s viewing before they return through the doorsof the infirmary. So they cease to exist in the present in order toexist in the past and continue from there.

Of course, they don’t return tothe future with the time-turnerwhich, it is implied, is possible. Whether this is just an issue withexplanations or how the wiki conveys it, it’s not all that relevantreally. There’s no actual evidence of how the time-turner worksbeyond what HP3 gives us—no, I don’t consider CursedChild to be canon, sod offlmao—so anything after this is supposition.

The Hour-Reversal Charm has alimited time before it becomes harmful to the person and to time atlarge. This is supported by the supplemental material JokeKRowling onPottermore:

“All attempts to travel back further than a few hours haveresulted in catastrophic harm to the witch or wizard involved. It wasnot realised for many years why time travellers over great distancesnever survived their journeys. All such experiments have beenabandoned since 1899, when Eloise Mintumble became trapped, for aperiod of five days, in the year 1402. Now we understand that herbody had aged five centuries in its return to the present and,irreparably damaged, she died in St Mungo’s Hospital for MagicalMaladies and Injuries shortly after we managed to retrieve her.”

This suggests that there is aphysical toll to time-travel through magical means. If we usemodern-science to try and explain it, I suppose you could argue it’sa fundamental breakdown of the traveller’s body from the exertionof time-travel. I would imagine it’s sort of like when you travel abit too fast to besafe for the body and it experiences trauma from the force exerted.Of course, this is more theoretical physics and I am not aphysicist. Just a nerd who spent four hours arguing about time-travelonce with her step-father. That was a fun time.

I suppose if you could be protectedfrom the harm of the force exerted to time-travel in all ways thenyou could, in theory, not be affected in the way Pottermorestates Eloise Mintumble was affected. This also, incidentally infersthat the time-turners used by the Ministry are not capable of thesort of protection needed to avoid the trauma of time-travel beyondthe five-hour mark.

So, moving on to the use oftime-turners in Harry Potter canon and why they’re not used for,say, really significant events.

(By the way, what Dumbledore tellsHarry and Hermione to do is, technically, really fucking dangerous ofhim to do. So the fact that he does it anyway really just is one moreexample of how little fucking respect he has for an organisedinstitution and the laws of magic. Arrogant sod.)

Pottermore gives us a little moreinformation about the damage of using time-turners in a long-term,significant, or dramatic manner. Say, by travelling 50 years in thepast, or for big events like preventing someone’s execution etc:

“Even the use of the very limited amount of Time-Turners at theMinistry’s disposal is hedged around with hundreds of laws. Whilenot as potentially dangerous as skipping five centuries, the re-useof a single hour can still have dramatic consequences and theMinistry of Magic seeks the strictest guarantees if it permits theuse of these rare and powerful objects. It would surprise most of themagical community to know that Time-Turners are generally only usedto solve the most trivial problems of time-management and never forgreater or more important purposes, because, as Saul Croaker tellsus, ‘Just as the human mind cannot comprehend time, so it cannotcomprehend the damage that will ensue if we presume to tamper withits laws.’”

Now, the reason I’m interested inthis last quote here is that last bit right there. That “justas the human mind cannot comprehend time, so it cannot comprehend thedamage that will ensue if we presume to tamper with its laws”.That bit.

That ties in, quite fantasticallyactually, with my own beliefs regarding Crowley and how he affectstime. Crowley is a demon, as we all know. He’s a demon that isolder than the Earth, same as Aziraphale is an angel older thanEarth. We don’t know how old they are exactly but they’redefinitely older than Earth and time and all that stuff.

Crowley Fell before Earth. He becamea demon out of curiositymore than anything else. He reveals  during the apocalypse that hecan create a time-bubble and pull two other beings into it withoutany harmful effects to them or time on a larger-scale.

That, in itself, shows an acuteawareness of what time is, what it isn’t, and how to perform somepretty epic damage control for anything time shenanigan-related.

Crowley isn’t a human, obviously,and thus doesn’t have a human conception of anything.He doesn’t have a mortal conceptioneither, so he’s set apart from the magical creatures that populatethe world of Harry Potter. He is sourced from the Divine. From thatwhich made everything.All the laws of the universe are laws he understands and can ignoreas and when he wishes so long as he is sufficiently strongenough to do so.

Does this mean Crowley could changeevents with time-travel that a magical being wouldn’t be able to dowith a time-turner? Probably, yeah. Does this mean Crowley wouldchange events however? Probably not, no.

Because Crowley understands, unlikea human, the nature of time as a fundamental attribute of theuniverse in which he functions within. He understands that justbecause he existed before it, because he can ignore it, doesn’tmean he won’t be affected in some way by it. Or that those affectsare worth the meddling.

If he’s sufficiently motivated by,say, avoiding Armageddon? Oh, he’ll do something,but not once does he go back in time and fix the fuck up at thenunnery. Not once does he even mention it. Why not? Well, obviouslybecause others may have noticed the sudden shift. But also, becausedoing that likely would have done more harm than good. So he rollswith it until such a point when he can use his powers in a way thatis of some degree of benefit.

That it means putting him,Aziraphale, and Adam in a little bubble of time that is eithercompletely outside of any rules of time or works on some rules thatthe rest of reality doesn’t. The result is that time is stillhappening outside the bubble, but that they’re inside the bubbletalking. Obviouslyit’s sort of a mental little bubble, one that takes theirconsciousness to a plane where time is more of just a concept than anactual thing that has a direction and flow, hence why the sand is allpiled up on itself.

So what does this mean in regards tousing a time-turner? Would Crowley be able to use one? Would heinstinctively compensate for one? Or would the poor thing short thefuck out and do the equivalent of hiding in the corner screaminginsensibly? Who knows.

The last one is an amusing mentalimage but generally, no clue.

I have, in Absconding withHarry, the idea that magic canbe affected by miracles. That it’s safer to use miracles on adultsthan on children unless you consider All The Variables. But thatthere’s also always the risk that the children’s magic will reactunexpectedly. This is why Crowley and Aziraphale don’t perform toomany miracles directly on Harry. They may do it on the space aroundthem, may alter it a bit to filter out this and that, but until he’san adult, direct and constant applications of miracles isn’tsomething either of them are willing to do.

Also, both of them have their ownmagic. Not human, but angelic and demonic. It’s the sort of thingthat is like them channelling their angelic and demonic essencesthrough a mortal form (granted they’re technically immortallymortal but eh), which presents as magic because it’s used on aphysical plane. But, in the end, it’s still inhuman magic.

Which, thinking about it, makes themsimilar to goblins, centaurs, Veela, and so on.

Huh. That’s interesting.

Might need to consider that a bitfurther for later things in Absconding with Harry.

[franstastic-ideas]

The Citizens of Ebott Town

I thought it was about time I elaborated on my AU Wraithtale beyond just Frisk, Chara, Sans, Gaster and Papyrus, even though they'll be featured here as well. I'll be writing a one-shot featuring Wraithtale sometime in the near future, so consider this a preview of sorts along with finally fleshing out this universe.

Since this is about Ebott Town and its citizens, Chara and Frisk will be detailed in another post. Please feel free to ask me anything about Wraithtale if you're interested in the AU!

Ebott Town - It's a dead end town at the base of the mountain. Even though the town itself stretches all around the mountain's base, the population is small; just about everyone knows each other and news spreads fast among the community. There's plenty of houses, of course, a school, a hospital, some stores, a handful of restaurants spread around, and there's even some public transportation like buses, but there's also a whole lot of nature. The mountain is huge. Residents that have been there all their lives still haven't seen everything to see around there, probably because even without the myths of shadow monsters lurking in the dark forests scattered there, the mountain has plenty of other ways to keep people from wanting to climb it.

Steep cliffs, rivers, bears. You know, usual mountain-y stuff.

But about the myths of shadow monsters: for generations, the people who live at the mountain's base have caught glimpses of human-like figures moving between the thick expanse of trees of the mountain's forests. However, on closer inspection, it becomes apparently obvious that these figures are anything but human. Legends say that if you allow one to get too close, the wraith will steal your body and face. Or eat you from the inside out. Legends also say that many centuries ago, a group of fearful humans carved a series of stone totems  that harnessed the power of the sun and spread them around the mountain's base to keep the wraiths trapped on the mountain.

These totems are still standing at the story's beginning and become important later in the AU - some time after Frisk and Chara's existence is revealed to Sans and Papyrus, one of the totems is destroyed by a construction crew, allowing Frisk and Chara an opening to get off the mountain and into Ebott Town.

 The Citizens of Ebott:

 Toriel: She's a teacher at Ebott's school; Ebott technically has more than one school, but it's a series of buildings all located on one property. She's also a volunteer at Ebott's hospital and has had to bandage up Papyrus on many more than one occasion. Asriel is just in his first year of middle school, but Toriel already calls herself an old lady even though many have told her she still looks good for her age. She and Asgore are still married, and happily so; they're that couple that's still lovey dovey after years of marriage and they embarrass Asriel to no end. Many of Ebott Town's citizens want to leave their lives here for something greater, but Toriel is one of the few entirely happy where they are.

Sans and Papyrus lost their mother at a young and tender age, so she became the maternal figure in their life. She's deeply saddened by the current rift between Sans and Gaster, but she tends to side with the former even though Toriel hates for there to be any conflict at all. She believes that Gaster continuously placing pressure on Sans to succeed, while he meant well in doing so, only succeeded in robbing Sans of a bright future and ultimately lost his oldest son as a result.

Sans: Prior to the main story, Sans was a college student aiming for a major in science while simultaneously aiding his father in his experiments. He and Gaster got along for the most part; arguments were sometimes a thing, but they weren't usually serious or extreme. However, one fateful day, this would change; one of Gaster's experiments went haywire. Gaster's creations going haywire wasn't unordinary, but this one involved a dangerous chemical compound. This compound ate right through Sans's lab coat sleeves and burned his arms, permanently scarring them. When Gaster still wanted to continue his research with the compound, Sans began questioning whether his father loved him or his work more. And with this thought along with the increasingly added pressure to succeed, his grades began rapidly slipping, and with that, Gaster grew more upset with him - eventually it culminated in Sans having a nervous breakdown on campus. He was swiftly expelled afterward for his 'tantrum' and sent home, back to Ebott Town and never to return.

He gets into a heated argument with Gaster, which leads to a second nervous breakdown and Sans finally unloading every one of his recent negative thoughts on his father and accuses him of not loving him. Sans wasn't satisfied with Gaster's attempts to explain himself and wanted to move out and take his brother with him, but Papyrus refused to leave. So the three live under one roof, a broken family. Sans began using his time working odd jobs alongside Papyrus and exploring the mountainous region that had been around him all of his life. He deflects any questions asked about why he isn't in college anymore by the residents of Ebott and he always keeps his arms covered, wearing long sleeves even in the summer to hide his burns.

Papyrus: Unlike his brother, Papyrus never got the chance to leave town and go to college. He doesn't let it bother him though and finds plenty of opportunities to learn in his own community - life itself will be his educator!

Papyrus never decided what he wanted to do after graduation. There's so much that he wants to do; he's largely indecisive and he doesn't want to leave Ebott Town to pursue a career, so currently he completes odd jobs alongside his brother around Ebott to get a feel for what career might be best for him. However, he can't stop that little glimmer of hope in his heart of wanting to make it big, but unlike everyone else, he wants to make it big right where he is. Adults have tried to reason with him into giving up on that dream, that it's a lost cause and a waste of his time, but he staunchly refuses this possibility and continues trying his best, certain that everything will eventually work out.

He's currently the glue that's holding the pieces of this shattered family together. If it weren't for him, Sans would have left town the night he came home. Sans won't leave without his brother and Papyrus knows this, so he's got Sans at a stalemate. He knows that if Sans ever left town, then he may never speak to Gaster again and then they may never reconcile. And he also knows that deep down, Sans doesn't want to leave Ebott Town either. But ever since he met Frisk, Papyrus thinks he at least doesn't have to worry about that happening anymore...

Undyne: Undyne wanted to become a police officer after she graduated high school, but instead, she's been relegated to the position of 'mountain patrol'. In other words, Gerson took pity on her and used his own position in the force to give Undyne some involvement in the career path she chose but was denied. The higher ups in the police force rejected Undyne because, no matter how strongly she upholds justice and how passionate she is, they still see her as a problem child and won't give her a chance. Gerson, however, sees Undyne's potential and gives her the task of 'mountain patrol' out of sympathy and because he believes that eventually she'll prove herself worthy to the rest of the police force.

Which is why initially, when she learns of the wraiths' confirmed existence and the police sent out a notice requesting their capture, she wants to apprehend Frisk and Chara and secure her place in the force. It took a lot of convincing from Sans and Papyrus to stand down, and Chara constantly announcing her intentions for the town and the rest of humanity didn't help in the slightest, but eventually they reason with her and Undyne befriends Frisk and later Chara. Even though it costed her promotion, she keeps the two shadow monsters safe from the hands of the law, since now she feels having the two apprehended would be unjust and against her morals. That, and she loves a good star-crossed lovers forbidden romance as much as the next gal.

Alphys: Alphys is currently taking college classes online while also working as Gaster's assistant. After Sans's nervous breakdown, she feels guilty for essentially 'stealing his future', getting a college education when he couldn't, and working alongside Gaster even while knowing how he hurt Sans. Sans doesn't hold anything against her for it, telling her that everything that happened between the two of them was his and Gaster's business. Even so, she sometimes can't help but feel like what she's doing is unfair to him and wrong.

Alphys once dreamed that she, Gaster, and Sans would revitalize the town together, but since the latter two's falling out that dream seems impossible to her. Even so, she loves the town and has no desire to leave, feeling that the rest of the world is too big for her and this is where she belongs. Along with Sans, she was the one in their group who was most often bullied in school; she was mistreated for her chubby body like Sans was, but unlike him, she almost always had Undyne to defend her and her side of the story was usually believed over her tormentor's. She had low self esteem until Gaster saw potential in her and took her as his assistant. He built up her self esteem along with Sans and the rest of her friends, so Sans's descent thereafter makes her feel torn between the two even though both assure her she has no reason to feel that way.

Muffet: Muffet works in her mother's bakery and writes independent gothic literature on the side. Unknown to most of the town, several of her stories have already been published anonymously and she's receiving moderate to substantial success. When she and Sans were still in high school, Gaster had set the two up on a date once. Sans had never expressed any interest in having a romantic relationship, and Gaster thought he needed assistance in acquiring a girlfriend, so he selected Muffet as a romantic candidate for Sans. What followed was an extremely embarrassing night for Sans and an amusing one for Muffet. Despite her still teasing him about it, she agrees that the date didn't count since she believes real dates should be mutually consenting from both parties, and Gaster didn't ask either of them before shoving them into an awkward position. The two did become friends, so Muffet became included among Sans's and Papyrus's circle of friends afterwards.

She's one of the few happy to stay in Ebott Town, if only because of her family's bakery and living so close to the mountain where the shadow people roam. She's been sneaking off to the mountain since she learned to walk to try and get glimpses of the monsters supposedly living there and grows excited over any paranormal activity reported to happen near the town. She thinks Sans's relationship with Frisk and Papyrus's with Chara is 'dreamy' and wants her new story she's writing to be a Lovecraftian romance with them as her inspiration.

Grillby: Grillby graduated high school when Sans was entering the 10th grade. He left Ebott Town to go to culinary school but came back just a year later and settled for working as a waiter and assistant chef in Muffet's family's bakery before opening his own restaurant in town. He isn't particularly upset over having to return but he doesn't like the endless stream of gossip that surrounds a person whenever they leave and eventually come back to Ebott. Grillby has an unbelievable amount of patience, but one of the fastest ways to make it wear thin is to question Sans on his own return in his presence. He's one of the few that knows the entire truth about Sans's situation and is quick to dismiss the busybodies from looking for more gossip fodder.

Sometimes after Sans and Gaster have an argument, Grillby will open up his home to Sans and allow him to stay until he's cooled enough. He makes sure Sans eats properly during those times and lends an understanding ear. When he was younger, he was frequently picked on for his large round glasses he had to wear and his overall nerdy appearance. Now that he's older and considered handsome by most that see him, he feels uncomfortable about accepting compliments related to his appearance.

Mettaton: He dreams of one day leaving Ebott Town and becoming a star. Together with his cousin Blooky, his neighbor Shyren, and a bored fast food employee with nothing better to do who wants to leave this town as much as the next guy, he formed a band. Mettaton performs lead vocals, Blooky is the composer, Shyren is backing vocals, and Burgerpants is their lyricist. The problem is, Burgerpants has trouble becoming inspired and gets writer's block often. So until Burgerpants can come up with something original and groundbreaking, Mettaton and the band are stuck making cover of various songs and uploading them on the internet. Even so, he refuses to give up on the band.

His name isn't actually Mettaton - it's his stage name. He got it from the angel Metatron and thought it was something unique and 'fabulous enough for him', but he misread it. Even after learning of his typo he won't correct it. He loves his stage name so much, he had his name legally changed to Mettaton and only responds to this name - if called his old name, he'll pretend he can't hear you. Since Sans came back to Ebott, Mettaton has tried persistently to get him to join his band, but Sans hasn't become that desperate yet.

Asgore: He runs a gardening and flower store in the town, but he's also the town's mayor. It's fortunate Ebott Town was already named when he entered office, otherwise he may have bestowed the town with an even more uncreative name. He's widely beloved by the citizens of the town to the point that many say he's one of the only bright sides to being stuck there. Like his wife, he loves Ebott Town and while he can't blame or place fault in the ones that want to leave, it does deeply sadden him to hear how much someone wants to leave town or watch someone leave.

Being Gaster's close friend and confidant, he knows about his family troubles. Like Toriel, he doesn't like that there's any conflict between them at all, but he's more sympathetic towards Gaster and his various attempts to reconcile with Sans than his wife is. After an argument has occurred, sometimes it's Asgore that Gaster goes to for comfort and reassurance that he isn't a bad father, and yet at the same time, Gaster will vehemently argue with Asgore whenever he attempts to assuage his fears as a parent.

W.D. Gaster: Gaster was a wealthy man with a loving wife and two sons who lived in a city far away from Ebott Town. After losing his wife, he decided to move to escape the pain. He decides to move to Ebott Town after receiving a letter from his old friend Asgore and continue his work there. He heard Ebott was a dead end town and nearly everyone wants to leave for somewhere greater, but he wanted to make the place more populated through his scientific work and later his oldest son's. He made many successes in bringing Ebott more up to date with the modern world, having solar panels installed on every house along with several other widespread achievements, but no matter how hard he worked, people still wanted to leave.

He's still presently working on improving the town with science alongside Alphys, but since the rift in his relationship with Sans formed, he has lost most of his passion. He's loved science since he was a boy, but he discovers that he loved it more when Sans was having fun with science with him. Only, Gaster is poor with words, and he can't properly express his feelings of emptiness and guilt to Sans. Sans still feels bitter and does everything to avoid and spite him in his hurt, which leads to more tension between the two. He wonders if his relationship with his oldest son is beyond repair now. He wants to make amends, but he doesn't know how or if it's even possible anymore.

[takaraphoenix]

Review: 3x15 - To the Night Children

Heidi... was annoying. Honestly, how are there so many older vampires in New York and literally not a single one of them thinks “Mh, been around for a couple decades/centuries. Know that challenging the Clave is not a good idea. Maybe I should remove this fledgling vampire from being in charge?”...? Like? How is this even a thing??

How are all of those more experienced vampires letting this girl play them like this...? I just... damn. That’s such a shallow world-building there.

Honestly love how Maia took care of that one. That was... a damn good scene and also clever. Not to mention, you literally can't charge Maia with anything. All she did was inject water into her own veins. When a vampire attacks her, then that's on them.

I really do like that we learn more about the Institute though! World building! I appreciate it! So they have a large cafeteria. Does that mean they have Shadowhunters who are solely cooks then? I'm genuinely curious about this. Are there more careers than just soldier and politician?

How. Is. Luke. Arrested?? They have been tailing him for a while now. And... they really think he managed to sneak off and slaughter everyone in the restaurant he owns??

There is literally no evidence on Luke doing this? This should not stick and Luke now playing the martyr on it feels and smells a lot like “Well. We have barely been using Luke all of last season and we kinda have no use for him so uh let's shelve him in prison I guess??”, because that's what this show does when it runs out of plotlines for a character. Just write them off. Urgh.

How are Alec and Isabelle so insanely unprofessional though? I mean, seriously, how can Isabelle not keep a poker-face and wear her opinion on Heidi on her sleeve like that? You play them, you don't just flat-out say every single thing you think during an interrogation? And Alec just the same, all the faces he kept making at Isabelle. It's like they have zero training in interrogation.

Someone explain Underhill to me though. He was friendly with Alec this whole time we've known him now? And suddenly he makes snide remarks behind Alec's back? Had they given that like to Raj, who has shown such characteristics before in the show, but this convenient “What actors aside from the main six do we have on scene today? Let's just slap this plot and these lines onto them so we don't have to pay anyone else for being there!” is a serious problem for this show.

Magnus' reaction to Underhill's comment on their relationship was so inappropriate though. Like Alec isn't allowed to have friends and talk to them about their relationship? Honey, have you forgotten that you yourself went on a drinking and dancing spree with Dot when your problems started and she nearly kissed you and you never told Alec about this? So, maybe be a little less judgmental that Alec talks about his personal relationship problems with a friend... regardless of how long he's known that friend. Like, “Underhill is attractive so it bothers me”, uhm “You dated Dot and she tried to kiss you as soon as you opened up to her... and that kinda bothers me” would be a really great comeback if Alec knew about this whole scene...

Jealousy can be cute. When someone is actively hitting on your partner and you get protective, that is cute. When your partner has friends and confides about personal problems in his friends and you act like he shouldn’t do that, then that is not the cute kind of jealousy at all. That is the alarmbells go off in my head kind of jealousy.

Okay, here's a really stupid thing: If I were Jace I would most definitely not just hug Aline and accept her words. Jonathan shapeshifted into Sebastian and played you all. Jonathan literally just shapeshifted into Jace to play them all. A face you know suddenly returns to the Institute without you having been notified about it before? Let's do some check-ups and do that weird stone-thingy that Clary had done to check Sebastian's identity. Actually, let's just... always do that, just to make sure. I would just at this point be way too paranoid to just hug people and share info with them??

Let's put the complete lack of security protocols and caution aside, I like Aline and I'm glad she's back. I mean, I'm generally glad to get more on the characters around the main characters. And a hot, angry sword lesbian is always a great addition to everything, really.

And she is also really very right. Because Clary didn't just beat her up, Clary completely lost control of herself. And y'all gotta be more weary about that. Losing control of your body is kind of a problem on this show and it usually gets female characters killed on this show!

So... a huge plotline this season... is that Isabelle investigates the Clave for torturing Downworlders, but... she still goes and arrests Raphael to hand him over to the Clave? Like, that's a thing that happened, yeah? Really? Because that was the moment where she should have just shouted “RUN” and let him escape this time, because seriously you are literally investigating that they're torturing Downworlders and Raph is a Downworlder. What the fuck.

Also, I need book-readers to reassure me that Jonathan is more than just an incestuously horny little bitch please? Because... honestly... I was kinda looking forward to villain!Jonathan. A layered villain though, due to his history. But... he doesn't... really... villain all that much? He just wants to bang his sister and does his best to get her and literally nothing else? It's a bit... uh... disappointing.

HOLY FUCKING BULLSHIT. Magnus and Alec literally had the conversation about moving in like not a month ago. And Magnus was actually being reasonable that it's way too soon to permanently live together. But of course was Magnus losing his loft literally only happening so they could further the ship, because every single bad thing that happens to Magnus really does only serve the purpose of Ma/ec. What the actual fuck.

Jace just makes me... tired at this point. Honestly, how are these writers getting paid to write? We fanfiction writers would do it better for free! This boy has been through nearly all the traumatic experiences possible at this point. We had him cry about it in the first episode, but then he got his girlfriend back and Suddenly Magically He Was Healed. No more crying, no more breakdowns, no further backlash from his mental illness. There... There is literally nothing I find more disgusting than when writers think that True Love can cure trauma and mental illness. That is not how either of those work, you absolute fuckers. And to then, additionally, use Jace as Clary’s emotional crutch because she has been through “so much”? Fuck you, dudes, just fuck you hard.

If you are too inexperienced a writer to properly deal with the emotional toil that trauma has on characters, then you should just not put them through said trauma. It’s just genuinely offensive at this point toward anyone who’s ever actually suffered in any form, because you’re acting like “Well, get yourself a hot girlfriend! It’ll make everything better *lol*” is an actual solution.

Why can’t you treat trauma with respect? And teach a responsible and respectful way of dealing with it? Instead of just using it for raw, pure shock-value and then just brushing it under the rug and having the characters continue on like nothing ever happened afterward?

The TL;DR of it all:

Thank the gods and Maia for ending the Heidi plotline

Luke Garroway deserves better, what the fuck

Jealousy can be cute. It most definitely is not cute when your boyfriend confides about personal problems to a friend. This was A Bad Ma/ec Episode

Aline is wonderful, I need more of her, please don’t just shelve her again when you don’t know what to do with her

Raphael Santiago deserves better, what the fuck

Jonathan, you little creep

Jace Herondale deserves better, stop putting him through trauma and then not dealing with it but making him deal with other people’s trauma, you asshats

[sleemo]

The Rise of Rose | How A Badass Nerd Became The New “Star Wars” Lead

Kelly Marie Tran is ready to conquer galaxies both near and far, far away. — Buzzfeed News

Two years ago, all of Kelly Marie Tran’s dreams came true: She got the career break of a lifetime and landed the new lead role of Rose Tico in Star Wars: The Last Jedi, she moved to London and got to work with some of her personal heroes (Lucasfilm President Kathleen Kennedy and actor Laura Dern, for starters), and she finally paid off her student loans. And then, once filming wrapped, she ran away.

“I think anytime you go into anything that’s different and new, there’s a bit of fear,” the 28-year-old Vietnamese-American actor said on a sunny October morning, fanny pack bouncing as she hiked Griffith Park in Los Angeles. She glanced down quickly at her Pikachu watch.

“That’s just natural. It’s a human, natural instinct,” she said. “But I also spent a year traveling and a year trying to figure myself out and reminding myself why I got into this.”

Originating a Star Wars lead character is the stuff of dreams for actors. It all but guarantees immediate global stardom (The Force Awakens breakout stars Daisy Ridley and John Boyega are currently starring in big-budget studio films outside of Star Wars), and also offers the possibility of long-term employment (Harrison Ford has been playing Han Solo since 1977, and he’s still not entirely sure if he’s finished). Even in the face of rapid and continued expansion — Disney recently announced that Last Jedi writer and director Rian Johnson will helm a new film trilogy — Star Wars remains one of the most surefire celebrity-making machines in show business.

But becoming a Star Wars star is also a huge responsibility. It’s a central juggernaut in the geek-culture landscape, and the fandom is so longstanding and voracious, a prominent role in a Star Wars film can guide, and often define, an actor’s entire career — especially a newcomer with hardly any mainstream projects under their belt. And for Tran, there’s an added element of both privilege and pressure: Rose Tico is the franchise’s first major character to be played by an Asian-American woman.

The movie isn’t even out yet, but Tran is already making history with the role. By posing as Rose on the front of Vanity Fair in May, arms crossed and a coy smile on her face, Tran became the first Asian-American woman to appear on the magazine’s cover. And she clearly understands how important that representation is to fans — it’s not something she takes lightly.

“It’s something that I think about a lot,” she said. “I just remember growing up and not seeing anyone that looked like me in movies.”

Tran’s no stranger to the geeky realm. She nicknamed one of the steepest trails in Griffith Park “the road to Mordor,” and has been unsuccessfully trying to convince eight friends to dress up as the Fellowship of the Ring with her since high school. She’s super nervous for Daenerys to see Viserion on Game of Thrones next season (“That’s such a Kylo situation, right? Seeing your child who’s on the other side now? I’m serious”). She’s a Harry Potter superfan, and even though she’s a Ravenclaw per the Pottermore Sorting Hat, she’s a Gryffindor by choice: “I feel like the Sorting Hat would have been like, ‘You should pick.’ And I would have picked Gryffindor.”

But Tran’s also no stranger to the lack of diversity in nerdy fare. For example, she always went to midnight Harry Potter screenings dressed as Cho Chang, the only prominent female Asian character in the films, even though she adored Luna Lovegood. And now that Tran’s about to experience the other side of fandom and become one of those rare characters of color herself, she admits there’s no lack of pressure.

“It feels like a lot of expectation, and you just wanna do it right,” she said, pumping her bright green dinosaur leggings up the road to Mordor.

That expectation, that pressure, is part of the reason why Tran spent the year after filming wrapped traveling in total anonymity.

“I ran away!” she laughed. “I wanted to center myself and remember who I was. My life had just changed so much, and I needed that time to reflect.”

First, she went to South Africa and worked on an endangered wildlife reserve (no internet, no electricity, no running water). She shared a room with a dozen people and told everyone she worked as an office temp. (She didn’t start getting inquisitive emails until the new Rose Tico toys started coming out.)

Next, Tran went to Vietnam, first to work with orphans, and then to revisit her roots. Her parents fled to the United States during the Vietnam War, so she brought them back to their home country for the first time in 40 years.

“I have very huge cultural ties to where I’m from and where my family’s from,” she said.

Her time in Vietnam was, according to the actor, an “overwhelming experience.” She and her family biked to her dad’s village together, and he showed her where he used to sleep.

“My dad was a street kid for seven years — he was homeless,” Tran said. She met her cousins, the children of relatives who tried to escape during the war but were pulled back by the Vietnamese government. “I could have had this life,” Tran said, holding out one hand, “and now I have this one, and it’s purely because my parents dropped everything and moved to a country where they didn’t know the language [and] didn’t have any opportunities. I very much have felt this whole time that I’ve been living for multiple generations of life.”

That year of travel and soul-searching seemed to help Tran achieve what she had set out to: She remembered why she became an actor.

“My parents didn’t get to have a dream,” she said. “Their dream was to live in a country where their kids would have choice.” And despite any hesitance on her parents’ part regarding her risky career choice, Tran always saw it differently.

“I truly did feel that I owed it to my parents, my grandparents, to do whatever it was that I wanted, because if I wasn’t happy, if I wasn’t being true to myself, then I wasn’t living fully,” she said. “They had given up so much so that I could live at the level that so many people are just automatically born into.”

But just two short years ago, Tran’s acting career looked very different. In 2015, she was working full-time as an assistant at a creative recruiting firm in Century City to pay off her student loans and make ends meet. She’d wake up at 5 a.m., answer phones and grab coffee, leave for two or three auditions in the afternoon, then come back to the office and stay until 8 or 9 at night.

It took Tran years just to get an agent. She started sending inquiry letters to agencies when she was a high schooler back in San Diego. She worked at a yogurt shop and saved up all her money for headshots, only to receive a slew of rejection letters. “There’s no rule book, nobody tells you how to do it,” Tran sighed. “It was sort of the preparation for the next 10 years. I still have a bunch of rejection letters from agencies that did not want me.” She’s strongly considering framing them.

Tran finally landed a commercial agent in 2011, and a theatrical agent two years later. Her commercial agent suggested she try an improv class to give her resumé some extra shine, so she enrolled at the Upright Citizens Brigade Training Center in Los Angeles — and fell in love.

“I love the ideals of improv: supporting each other and never being sort of judgmental of other people’s ideas,” she said. “I think they’re great rules for life: You get a piece of information, you’re like, ‘OK, how do I work with that and how do I add to that?’”

Her creative circle flourished, and she cultivated a tight-knit group of writing partners and performers, including her all-female Asian improv group, Number One Son.

“I’ve always been very much a team person,” Tran said. “Acting seems like solo work, but it’s not. This is not a one-person journey, at all.” But as much artistic fulfillment as she was finding, her resumé still consisted largely of CollegeHumor videos and small TV roles. She couldn’t even get an audition for a movie.

When she turned 25, Tran resigned herself to a fate of personal fulfillment without mainstream success. “I remember making a conscious decision,” she said. “I never thought that I would accomplish my dreams. I believed in myself, but when I turned 25, I just thought, Oh, I’ll just be working my day job and auditioning and struggling financially, but I’ll be living my dream for the next two or three decades.”

Then, as all great success stories go, she got the audition notice. The Untitled Rian Johnson Project was supposed to be a secret, but everyone knew it was for Star Wars. (Johnson had already been announced as both writer and director of the next installment.) But Tran, a self-proclaimed nerd on many subjects, had never seen a single Star Wars movie.

“In 10th grade, my teacher was obsessed with [Star Wars] and played it in the background, but I was reading Harry Potter so I wasn’t listening to it,” Tran laughed.

She didn’t watch any of the movies before that first audition — she never thought she’d make it beyond that — a move she believes helped her in the long run.

“I didn’t have this expectation of what I thought this person should be like; I wasn’t trying to model her after someone I’d seen in a movie,” she said.

Tran recalled that the initial character breakdown for Rose Tico was vague — “Something like, ‘Any ethnicity, character-y!’” — so she walked into the first audition wearing a sweater vest and her lucky Ravenclaw tie.

“All these other girls were in tight black and I was like, ‘Oh no! I’ve done this wrong! I’ve done this wrooong!’” she laughed.

By the first callback — Tran wore her lucky tie again, it had gotten her that far — Johnson was already in the room.

She auditioned five times between the summer and fall of 2015, a torturous month spanning between each. After each audition, Tran tried to forget about the possibility of another. She stayed busy writing with friends, and she started journaling for the first time in her life. The final audition took place in London, with full hair, makeup, and costuming.

“And this is why, I’m telling you,” Tran cackled, “the fact that I hadn’t grown up with Star Wars really helped me. I think I would have fallen over.”

But she didn’t fall over. In fact, Tran did the opposite: She stayed unfathomably grounded. “I remember the day of that audition, I just wanted to be present,” she recalled. “I just wanted to have fun, because there was nothing I could do at that point to control getting it or not. I remember having the most freeing feeling, and I had the best time.” Then she went home and tried to forget about it.

Three weeks later, in November 2015, Johnson emailed Tran’s agent and asked to meet with Tran before she went home for Thanksgiving. “I remember every moment,” she said through a grin. “Walking up the stairs, there’s a little bit of small talk, and then Rian says, ‘I want to offer you this role.’” Tran didn’t react; she froze. “What happens when everything you’ve ever wanted comes true?” She hid her face behind her hands at the memory. “I didn’t say a word. I was terrified. It was such an overwhelming shock.” Johnson waited, and then asked, “Umm, do you want this?” Yes, she did.

Tran went home for the holidays, but couldn’t tell anyone she’d just landed the role of a lifetime — all aspects of the movie were being kept top secret. She lied and told her mom, dad, and two sisters that she’d booked an indie film in Canada. She casually suggested the family go see The Force Awakens, but her dad objected. “He goes, ‘Ughhh, I hate movies like that. I don’t know why people go see sci-fi movies,’” Tran laughed. “And I was like, ‘Welp.’”

In January 2016, Tran moved to London to begin filming, and her life changed overnight.

“Someone mistakenly gave me the keys to the kingdom,” she said, her eyes still wide with disbelief even now.

She spent her days on set watching the likes of Benicio del Toro, Andy Serkis, Adam Driver, Oscar Isaac, and Laura Dern (“I can’t believe she knows who I am, ahhh!”) in what she described as “ultimate acting school.” Tran went to set every day, even if she wasn’t filming.

She hung out in the creatures department and learned a lot — she even dressed in a makeshift Porg costume for Halloween this year. She spent weekends watching movies with Mark Hamill and his family. She shared a trainer with Daisy Ridley, and eventually learned how to push a car. (“I’m serious! Little ol’ me.”)

But Tran found herself worrying; this was her first big gig and she was treading very carefully, often worried she might offend someone. Then she met Carrie Fisher.

“What a woman,” Tran nodded pointedly. “The best thing about Carrie that I witnessed was that she was just purely honest. No matter how messy that was, or how complicated that was.”

While Tran agonized over adhering to her trainer’s fitness regimen, Fisher showed up and walked the treadmill, sipping a Coke and smoking a cigarette.

“I don’t know how to explain it — without even protecting me, she was. Just by being herself,” Tran said.

But there was one caveat to all of her dreams seemingly coming true: Tran wasn’t used to living without her established support system.

“I was scared, I was alone, I couldn’t tell anyone what I was doing,” she said. “I remember crying because I wanted my friends to experience it.”

To combat the isolation, she joined an improv class in London, kept journaling (“I have 25 journals now that’s just me and my feelings on paper”), and leaned heavily on her castmates, especially John Boyega — the actor she’ll likely be sharing the most screentime with in The Last Jedi.

Her close association with Boyega’s character, Finn, is one of the few facts we know about Rose Tico so far. We also know she’s a low-ranking mechanic in the Resistance, and her sister Paige (played by Vietnamese actor Veronica Ngo) is a gunner in the Resistance.

“John is someone who I feel like I immediately was able to mesh with,” Tran said of working with the actor. “We connect on different levels because our parents are immigrants, we’re both people of color, nerds, and he’s just hilarious.” Tran, of course, knows everything about Rose, but all she’ll coyly add is that the character “has an interesting relationship with war” — a relationship Tran’s family knows all too well.

“I dug into that with my parents, and their relationship with war because of the Vietnam War,” she said. She also listened to podcasts and read books on engineers and how they think, and infused much of her own personality into the character’s.

“Sometimes I think Kelly informed Rose, and sometimes I think Rose informed me,” Tran said. “It’s such a messy, tangled relationship, which I think is kind of beautiful. She’s always going to be part of me and I’m always going to be part of her, right?”

And as for Rose’s future in the Star Wars universe, Tran is as curious as the rest of us. “I don’t know,” she said earnestly, convincingly, like a true Gryffindor.

Since filming wrapped, Tran’s co-stars moved on to new projects — “They’re all working on a bunch of movies everywhere in the world. I’m the only who’s like, ‘Yooo, come over, let’s watch a movie!’” — and she’s been living in a strange bubble, treading water between anonymity and the global stardom that Star Wars all but guarantees.

“Everything feels very emotional right now, because it feels like the first or the last time,” Tran said slowly, measuring her words. “I don’t know what that other life is gonna be like, but I also don’t want to let go of being this anonymous person who gets to live in both lands.”

There’s no way to know what her life will look like after The Last Jedi premieres, but Kelly Marie Tran is finally ready to stop running away from the inevitable spotlight.

“The only thing I can do is be honest and be myself, and if people hate that, they’re gonna hate that, and I can’t control that. It has nothing to do with me,” she said, half-sighing. “I’m saying this now, and it sounds really easy, but it took me a year. I just feel like I don’t wanna hide anymore.”

— Buzzfeed News

[zhannabelle-eng]

Fate: can you change it?

Zhannabelle speaks on the most effective ways

All women at least once asked themselves the question: "Why am I so unhappy? Why do others live well, while I always face some kind of hardship? I wonder how to change my fate." My dear, everything is in your hands. In this article, I will reveal the ancient secrets of wise men who had been collecting knowledge about the influence of a person on their life and fate for centuries.

Why are you unhappy?

Each of us has a unique karmic code. We received it during previous incarnations and passed down to us by our parents. Karma is also influenced by the actions and experiences of our soul. And this, in turn, influences our fate and determines what events will happen.

Sometimes you may offend people incidentally, without even noticing it and giving importance to it. You may reply rudely to your loved one in the heat of the moment or insult a stranger in a crowd because of a bad mood. The negativity from these actions and words grows and accumulates not only in them, but also in you, which eventually leads to serious illness and many other bad situations.

For example, if you make a bad joke at a colleague and spoil her mood for the day, you will soon feel it: the trouble is pursuing you. The unexpected car breakdown, a quarrel in the family or feeling ill - a sure signal: you are doing something wrong, it is time to stop and think. After all, negative energy affects the whole lineage, and your tricks may affect children and grandchildren in the future.

I strongly recommend you to stop, quit  hurting those around you, better take care of yourself and do as many good deeds as possible for other (those you know and those you don’t know) people.

We all make mistakes sometimes, but the losses and negative consequences from them can be minimized. If you have incidentally hurt someone, offended someone, be sure to apologize. A sincere (most honest, coming from your heart and soul) apology will neutralize all the negativity, and the unpleasant aftertaste of resentment will disappear.

And I, from my part, right now, based on your requests, am preparing several interconnected courses of classes, after which you will know exactly how to change your fate and what you should do for that. Subscribe to my Facebook and Instagram accounts and don't miss any news about the events.

How do you change your fate? 

It is very important not to miss a certain astrological point. The so-called key dates of the year are the days of winter and summer solstice, as well as autumn and spring equinoxes. They are the four defining points, thanks to which and during which you can change your fate dramatically.  

These days have been sacred since ancient times, in all cultures, in all traditions, and for all peoples. It was customary to gather and unite the whole family. Great feasts were organized and people devoted themselves to prayer, charity and helping others. After all, it is the fate of not only one person, but of their entire lineage was determined during such astrological points.

As you know, the observance of ancient traditions for me is mandatory. It is on these most important days that I always hold special retreats and seminars, where the fates of all women, who come to gain new knowledge, change. An incredible power, that spreads to the whole world and helps it to become cleaner and better, is concentrated in our classes.

There were about 120 people at the big seminar last time. Women from fifteen different countries came and prayed not only for themselves and their loved ones, but also for their country. It is at times like these that major changes in fates occur.

However, there is another day of the year when you can change your fate, you should know about it too. It is your birthday. I speak about the practices that can affect your life and your fate during this time at my seminars. Here you can learn exactly how to change your fate.

The cosmic power is very powerful on significant days. Any ill-considered or wrong wish, as well as absolutely any thought is amplified. To make only positive changes in your fate, you need to listen to a wise mentor, who will prompt you what rituals should be performed on special days. I am happy to help you at individual consultations, which you can register for any specific convenient time for you.

If somebody offended you, and you still can not forget about it, you should know that your negative state is amplified many times. Why would you need that? You are a woman, so you are the guardian of your lineage. You should know how to change your fate. The life of your children, grandchildren and generations to come depends on your feelings and emotions.

There are also special places of power that influence fate. That is where we hold seminars on special days of the year. I choose the most sacred places where any energy is multiplied. The power of prayer increases 100, if not 200 times there!

There is no need to wait for life to get better on its own, it is better to take action. Time of power, a place of power, a person of power, rituals of power - all together will have a tremendous impact on your life and change your fate. Right now check for the nearest special important date and find out where the seminar will be held.

Allow yourself to believe that you can really change your fate. With the knowledge that I share with you, it is possible to do absolutely anything. At the seminars I will reveal to you valuable practices, thanks to which you will realize any, even the most innermost dreams.

As a proof of everything I have said, here is a letter from one of my students, Gerdy from Örebro.

"Things didn't work out very well for me since I was a child. My parents were fighting all the time, they even beat each other. I didn't feel their love, and this lack greatly affected my life in the future. I was an aloof, closed child. I felt lonely and unwanted by this world all the time, rarely anyone wanted to be friends with me. After graduating from university, I never met a young man, although some of my friends had already got married. I never got along with the opposite sex. At work, too, I had a run of bad luck: my boss began giving me more work than anyone else, but paid very little. I was nervous, I felt that I was beginning to burn out, and was about to have a breakdown.

I rushed to Zhannabelle for help. Dear mentor, you immediately told me that all these misfortunes were the result of bad things I had done in my past life. I was upset, but then I asked: "Is it possible to reduce this influence? I swear, I would do anything to live my life in peace and find happiness!" And you advised me to attend a seminar. Without any hesitation I agreed, of course.

At that meeting I felt the lightness that I had never felt in my life. I felt that all the negativity, all my problems and troubles just dissolved and let me go. After coming home, I realized my real purpose - to help others. I had a desire to volunteer at an animal shelter. I wanted to share my warmth, which I had received in large quantities at the seminar.

One Saturday morning I met a man who came to the shelter to take a dog. He asked for my phone number so I could advise him for the first time on how to deal with the puppy. We soon developed a liking for each other, our relationship quickly took off and 3 months later we were married. I also got along with my parents and realized that I had been doing the wrong thing all along. Instead of accepting my father, forgiving my mother, trying to improve my relationship with them, I stopped communicating with them and tried to avoid them. But they had always loved me, even though they couldn't understand each other. Now everything is in its place and I feel so good. My life keeps getting better. Zhannabelle, thank you for that!’

Dear Gerdy, I thank you for your kind words. After all, that's what I'm meant to do - help desperate and struggling women, and I'm happy to do it.

You have gained new knowledge, now it's time for you to become a ray of light for other people. Share this article with them, invite them to become part of the Field of Love, come to our retreats and classes together, watch all my videos on my YouTube Channel. Help people and God will help you!

[reid-like-roses]

All I Need - Chapter 3

Read on FF.net

Summary: After the Mountain Glenn plot failed, Roman was imprisoned while Neo escaped. Enraged by Roman’s failure of her plan, Cinder punishes Neo by torturing her, banishing her from her faction and occupying Neo’s hideouts. Now homeless and without a weapon, Neo winds up far from Vale and is trapped in a blizzard. But then she’s saved by the most unlikely of heroes. Post Volume 2 AU

Content Rating: T

Word Count: 5,218

Author’s Note: Post Volume 2 AU where basically none of Volume 3 or beyond happened. Neo is mute in this story and any dialogue from her is implied or inner monologue and will be written in italics.

TRIGGER WARNING!!! Implied torture and implied rape/non-con contained in chapter. If you do not wish to read these events, turn back now.

RWBY and all the characters within are the intellectual property of Rooster Teeth Productions, Miles Luna, Kerry Shawcross, Gray Haddock and the late Monty Oum. I am not being compensated in any way for this story and wrote it merely for entertainment purposes.

“You can come out now, sis,” Yang told Ruby as she rolled her eyes at her sister’s behavior. Ruby opened the door fully and tried to exit the closet but she tripped over a bucket and crashed down to the floor with a shrill yell. An avalanche of cleaning supplies, Christmas decorations and old videotapes fell on top of the young reaper. As Ruby struggled to extricate herself from the mess, Yang sighed and shook her head.

“Honestly, I don’t know why you’re so freaked out, Ruby. You really need to chill out,” scolded Yang as she held out a hand to help Ruby up.

“Gee, I dunno, Yang,” snapped Ruby. “I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that the last time we saw her, she was kicking your ass so hard that I’m surprised it’s not still bruised.”

“Language, young lady” Taiyang said as he came downstairs to investigate the loud crash. Ruby muttered something under her breath as she walked over to the refrigerator and pulled a jar down from on top of it labeled ‘Swear Jar.’ She then fished a lien out of her pocket and stuffed it in the jar before returning it to its place.

“Yeah, last time she wiped the floor with me,” muttered Yang bitterly, clearly not fond of the memory Ruby just brought up. “But this isn’t last time. I mean just look at her.”

“Regardless of her current condition,” Taiyang said calmly, holding up both hands to try to appeal for peace between the two sisters, “we still need to have a talk about what’s going to happen with our new guest.”

“I already told you that I’m not going to let you kick her out, Dad.” Yang bristled.

“I know. And I agree with what you said. I let my emotions get the better of me and you’re right, it would be inhumane to kick her out with nowhere to go in weather like this. But we have to stay on our toes because we don’t know how long it’s going to be before her friends come looking for her.”

“I don’t think she’s a threat right now,” said Yang far more calmly than she had been a moment ago. “She had a bit of a breakdown and during it, she told me how she’s lost everything, including her house and all her friends. And I could tell it wasn’t just an act. She’s legitimately at the end of her rope right now.”

“And you believe her?” Ruby asked incredulously.

“Yes, Ruby, I do,” Yang shot back with a scowl.

“I know you want to believe her, Yang," sighed Taiyang wearily, "but the fact remains that she’s not somebody who deserves our trust.”

“I know she doesn’t deserve it but I dunno. I just have this gut feeling about her that she really needs somebody to help her. And I feel like I can do that for her. Maybe we can make her an ally?”

“I wouldn’t count on that,” muttered Ruby just loud enough to be heard by everyone.

“At some point soon,” Taiyang said sharply to counter Ruby’s interruption, “you need to talk to her and get as much information out of her as you can. We need to know why she’s here on Patch and what she was doing before you found her.”

“I’m not going to interrogate her, Dad,” Yang said in annoyance. “She’s not some prisoner. She’s done nothing wrong to us.”

“Does helping crash a train into downtown Vale and letting the city get overrun by Grimm not ring any bells?” Ruby asked sardonically.

“That’s enough, Ruby,” snapped Taiyang as he rounded on his younger daughter. “Upstairs to your room, now.”

“But Daddy!” Ruby protested.

“No buts. Yang and I are trying to have a serious talk about this matter and you’re not contributing anything positive. March upstairs until we’re done.” Ruby huffed in annoyance and stuck her tongue out at Yang who just rolled her eyes. Ruby then stomped loudly upstairs and slammed her door behind her. Taiyang grimaced and shook his head in disappointment. As mature and gifted as Ruby had been to be accepted into Beacon early, sometimes she could still be a teenage brat.

“Anyway,” said Yang to break the silence, “as I said, I’m not going to interrogate her. If you want answers from her so badly, call up Qrow or Ozpin.”

“I really don’t want it to have to come to that if it doesn’t have to,” Taiyang said heavily, worn out from all that had happened in the past day. “I’m hoping that she’ll be willing to talk simply because of what you did for her.”

“Even if she would be willing to talk to me, do you really think she’d give me a straight answer?”

“It’s tough to say. I guess it really depends on how much she wants to protect her allies. If what she told you already is true and she’s acting on her own, I see no reason why she’d lie.” As Yang was about to offer another retort, the smoke alarm suddenly started beeping. “Oh no, I forgot about our dinner!”

Taiyang dashed to the oven and threw open the door to find the roast he was cooking had been badly burned. Acrid smoke poured out and caused Taiyang to start coughing. Yang groaned and grabbed the fire extinguisher from the closet Ruby had been hiding in and quickly doused the flames.

“So, spaghetti then?” Yang asked as she waved her hand to try and clear the smoke from her face. Taiyang simply nodded as he pulled the burnt roast from the oven.

————————————————————————————————-

“Neo? Wake up Neo,” said a cool, menacing female voice. Neo did come to and the first thing she saw was the glinting amber eyes of Cinder Fall. Behind her were her lackeys, Emerald Sustrai and Mercury Black. All three were wearing identical malicious smirks on their faces. Cinder reached up to lightly caress Neo’s face as she spoke again. “I don’t think you understand this game, Neo. If you die, then I can’t keep inflicting pain on you. And I’ve been having so much fun.”

Neo wanted to sign something nasty to her in reply but her hands and ankles were bound and she was unable to move. The cool air hitting her skin made Neo shiver and she realized she was naked. Neo looked down at her body and saw a large amount of scratches, cuts, bruises and dried blood all over her skin.

“I haven’t even gotten to have my turn with the little slut yet,” crooned Mercury, suggestively fiddling with his belt as he said it. “You two ladies have gotten all the fun so far.”

“Please let me know when you plan on doing that so I can be as far away as humanly possible,” growled Emerald. “The last thing I need to see is your disgusting ass in mid coitus.”

“Aw, but Emerald, I need your tips on how to properly fuck this bitch. You seemed to really enjoy making her scream earlier.”

“Quiet you two,” snapped Cinder, letting her fake pleasant façade slip for a second. “You’ll get your chance to get your rocks off Mercury. But there’s more pressing matters to attend to right now. Tell me Neo, have you ever read the works of Shan Yu?”

“Uh, she can’t tell you anything, boss,” interrupted Mercury in befuddlement. “She can’t talk, remember?”

“It’s an expression, you dense moron,” Emerald hissed as she elbowed Mercury in the abdomen hard enough to drive the wind out of him. “Shut up and let Cinder finish.”

“Thank you, Emerald,” said Cinder with a smile. She then walked over to a table nearby and picked up an instrument with lots of sharp, pointy ends on it. Cinder flipped a switch on it and it hummed to life with a threatening buzzing noise. She then sauntered over to Neo and pressed the tip of the device right against her belly button.

“Now, if you haven’t read his works Neo, he was a dictator many centuries ago who had some rather fascinating insights on war and humanity. One of my favorite things he wrote was, ‘Live with a man 40 years. Share his house, his meals. Speak on every subject. Then tie him up, and hold him over the volcano’s edge. And on that day, you will finally meet the man.’ Now we’ve been associated for a little while, Neo, but you’ve always been hanging around with Roman while I was busy with my plans. And I don’t feel we ever really got the chance to get to know each other. But now that we have all this time to ourselves, I’m dying to meet the real you.”

As Cinder pressed a button that caused the device to stab into her, Neo’s eyes flew open as she woke up in terror. After a frantic few moments of looking around, she realized that she was back in the guest room of the house on Patch. Pain shot through her left leg and she winced as she started unraveling herself from her cocoon of blankets. When Neo finally got to her leg, she was horrified at how mangled it looked. She hadn’t had a chance yet to survey the damage she’d suffered from the beowolves and falling out of the tree.

Neo tried desperately to fight back tears as she heard a small yip come from the floor beside her. She glanced down to see Zwei looking up at her with as much concern as a dog’s face could manage. He ran to the bedroom door then back to where he was, looking between Neo and the door every couple seconds. Neo realized he was asking if he should get help and Neo nodded emphatically at him. Zwei ran back to the door and began scratching at it, barking as loudly as he could. A few moments later, Neo heard heavy footsteps running down the stairs and an instant later, a disheveled looking Yang burst into the room.

“What is it Zwei? What’s wrong?” Zwei ran back over to the bed and put his front paws up on the mattress to draw Yang’s attention to Neo. Yang saw her face screwed up in agony and she quickly moved to Neo’s bedside. “What happened? What do you need?”

“I had a bad dream and I woke up with my leg killing me. Do you have any pain meds?”

“Of course, I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Yang dashed back out of the room as Neo laid back down on her pillows. She wondered why she hadn’t noticed the pain before but assumed that she must have just been so numb from the cold that she didn’t notice. A minute later, Yang was back with a handful of pills and a glass of water. Neo took both and quickly downed the pills.

“Thanks,” Neo signed as she set the glass down on the bedside table.

“You’re welcome. Do you need anything else? Should I hang out for a bit?”

“That would be nice.” Yang nodded and went back to the door to close it. She then sat down at the foot of the bed and scanned her eyes over Neo. Yang had been too preoccupied with getting her warm that she hadn’t noticed just how beaten up Neo was. Ugly scars and bruises, both fresh and still healing were all over the skin that Yang could see. Neo shivered as she realized just how cold she was and retreated back under the blankets. But it was still too cold for her.

“Can I ask you something?”

“You just did,” replied Yang with a self-satisfied smirk. Neo shot Yang a death glare that Blake would have been impressed by before she resumed signing.

“When I came to, I felt very warm and safe. And then I hit you, which means you must have been close by me. Were you cuddling with me?”

“I mean, if you want to look at it like that, sure.”

“Pervert,” Neo signed with a joking smirk on her face.

“Hey, it wasn’t like that at all, got it?” Yang shot back defensively. “Your body was ice cold and I needed to take every measure I could to keep you alive. So I held onto you all night and made sure you got warm.”

Neo paused for a moment as a deep blush crept over her face. “Would you be willing to do it again?”

“For real?” Yang asked, a blush of her own blooming on her face. “Uh, sure. I could do that again.” Yang pulled the blankets aside and stepped into the bed with Neo. After taking a moment to get herself comfortable, Yang apprehensively snaked her right arm under Neo’s neck and held it close against her. Neo stiffened up as she felt the warmth of Yang creep over her. She suddenly felt very small and helpless as she was wrapped up in the arms of the huntress.

“Are you okay? You’re very tense. Are you sure this is okay?” Neo realized she wasn’t in an optimal position to sign a reply so she pointed to the dry erase board on the bedside table. Yang grabbed it and handed it over to the mute woman.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ve just never been cuddled with before. At least not as far as I can remember.”

“Torchwick wasn’t much of a touchy-feely kinda guy, eh?”

Neo glared at Yang and quickly wrote back, “Not that it’s any of your business but no, he’s not. And Roman and I never had a relationship like that.”

“Okay, sorry. Didn’t mean tick you off.” The two fell silent again as Neo tried to get used to the feeling of being cuddled. Even though she was still scared to be touched so intimately, the thrill of how good it felt intoxicated her. She buried her head against Yang’s chest and heard her heart beating rapidly. Eventually, Neo reached her arm around Yang’s abdomen and hugged her closer to her.

“You feel really good.” Neo spelled out on Yang’s hip.

“Hey,” giggled Yang as she began to squirm, “watch it! That tickles!”

Neo reluctantly withdrew her arm so she could write and replied, “Sorry. I wish I had a better way to talk to you while keeping my arm around you.”

“It’s fine, you can go back to that. Also, you feel pretty nice too. You’re much warmer than the last time I did this.” Neo placed the board beside her on the bed and returned her arm to around Yang’s torso. They spent a few minutes snuggling, both getting drunk on the feeling of the other’s skin. Even though she was in utter bliss, Neo really had something to tell Yang so she once again picked up the dry erase board.

“I think I’m ready to talk to you now.”

“About your nightmare?” Yang questioned, a little sad that their great cuddle had come to an end.

“No. About me. About how I ended up like this.”

“Yeah?” Yang asked, trying to contain her excitement. “You sure you want to?”

“I’ve got nothing else to lose in my life. I might as well tell my story.”

“Okay, well what do you want to talk about first?”

“Whatever you want to know most about.”

“Well, there’s lots of things I want to know about you,” began Yang slowly, pondering the question. As she thought, her father’s request came back to her mind and she knew what she had to ask first. “But the first thing I should ask about is the one that I’ve been told I need to find out from you. Am I or anyone in my family in danger because you’re here?”

Neo started writing a lengthy response. Yang couldn’t help but be slightly nervous as to what would be waiting for her when Neo was finished. She really hoped that Neo wasn’t just being overdramatic earlier and really meant that she was by herself now. When Neo finished, she passed the board to Yang.

“Not as a direct result of me, no. After the train incident, I was severely punished for Roman’s failure and banished from the faction. I tried to lay low in one of our safehouses but I was captured again and dumped out of a plane. I think they meant for me to drown in the ocean but I ended up here instead. But the point is, anyone I was previously associated with is either imprisoned or considers me an enemy. And none of those individuals know my current whereabouts.”

Yang breathed a small sigh of relief that her family could stop worrying about being in danger from Neo. But Neo had mentioned something she couldn’t help wanting to hear more about. “You said you were punished. How bad was it?”

“It was bad. I’ll just leave it at that.” Neo wrote with a pained grimace on her face as the memories of how she was tortured came back to her. “Cinder probably should have just killed me but she chose to make me suffer instead.”

“Wait, Cinder? You mean that girl from Haven?” Yang asked in shock.

“Yeah, her. The whole thing was her plan. She, Emerald, Mercury and a bunch of pricks I didn’t get to meet are on some big crusade to punish the rest of the kingdoms or some shit like that for all of Mistral’s problems. I don’t know. I wasn’t ever really interested in their bullshit. I just did what I was asked to.”

“Wow. I can’t believe it was them all along. They fought alongside us in Vale. They helped clear out the Grimm. And it was them the whole time?” Neo nodded her head solemnly to confirm Yang’s question. An awkward silence fell between to two for a minute. Yang couldn’t believe what she had just been told. Was she going to have to go through the rest of her time as a huntress not knowing who to trust? Cinder and her friends had been so pleasant but they were the bad guys. Meanwhile, Neo had seemed like a complete monster but Yang was finding out she was nothing of the sort either.

“You still want to talk about me?” Neo wrote and stuck in front of Yang’s glazed over eyes.

“Oh, yeah, sure,” replied Yang, snapping out of her train of thought. “Sorry, that whole thing with Cinder just kind of threw me for a loop. Um, how about this? Were you born mute or did something happen to you that caused it?”

“No, I wasn’t born like this. I haven’t talked since I was a little girl. My parents’ house burned down and killed them but I somehow managed to survive. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to speak.”

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Where did you go then?”

“None of my other ‘family’ would take me in so I was sent to an orphanage to hopefully get adopted. That’s where I met Roman. His mom died giving birth to him and his dad didn’t want to raise a kid on his own so he just gave him away. He took pity on me and was my protector when we were there. I can’t even count how many times he was beaten for sticking up for me when the people who ran the orphanage or the other kids tried to give me trouble for not speaking.”

“So, did you ever get adopted?”

“No. It became clear to both of us when we hit our teens that we were lost causes and we were sick of all the shit at the orphanage. So, we ran away, just the two of us against the world. I unlocked my aura and learned how to fight and disguise myself. And Roman did all the talking.”

“Is that how you became criminals?”

“Look,” Neo began writing with a stern look at Yang, “you call it being criminals but we were two kids on our own with nothing in the world but each other so we did what we had to to survive. Did we rob people and steal things? Yeah, we did. Would you have done anything differently if you were in the same situation? If it was you and your sister who were homeless street rats, wouldn’t you do the exact same thing?”

“I guess,” admitted Yang begrudgingly. “So, then how’d you get mixed up in the whole take over the world stuff?”

“Roman never really gave me all the details as to what happened. He just told me that this woman came to him with an offer that was too good to pass up. He said that if it worked, we wouldn’t have to worry about being petty thieves ever again. We’d be set for life and all the people in power would get what’s coming to them.”

“Do you regret what you did at all?”

“To a point. Do I regret doing whatever it took to scrape out a living? No. Do I regret getting dragged into business with those assholes? Absolutely. I never wanted any of that. I just wanted to keep living like how we were.”

“What do you think you’re going to do once you’re better?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. I mean, ideally, I’d love to find Cinder, break every bone in her body and then chop her up into a billion pieces. But beyond that, I don’t know.”

“Have you ever given thought to being a huntress?” Yang asked her hopefully. “With your fighting skills, you could be a really damn good one.”

“Ah, so that’s your game, is it? You’re gonna see the potential deep down inside me and try to turn me into a good girl, is that right? Turn me into a model citizen and make me renounce all my wicked ways?”

“No, that’s not it,” replied Yang with a guilty tone. She had to admit that the idea had crossed her mind even though she figured it was a lost cause. “I just figured that fighting is what you’re probably best at and why not make a proper career out of it?”

“Thanks, but I’ll pass. I may not be interested in bringing down Ozpin, Ironwood and all those pricks anymore but believe me when I say that they’re still pricks. And I don’t really care to be one of their lapdogs for bullying the rest of the world into behaving just like them.”

“You’re probably going to have to work with them if you want to get to Cinder so badly. And as good as you are, you’re not going to be able to take her down by yourself.”

“Yeah, I know I’m not good enough to beat them all myself. But I refuse to fight their war for them. If you’re fine with being their little disposable hero, you go right ahead. That’s not how I want to live my life, though.”

“I’m not really interested in that sort of stuff, either. I just want to travel around the world, have some adventures and kill some monsters. And if doing that helps out some people in need, that’s a bonus.”

“You may want that but that’s not what they want for you. And if this war really does end up kicking off, they’re going to drag you into it whether you want to fight or not.”

“Do you really think it’s going to come to that?” Yang asked nervously. “Do you think we’re gonna go to war?”

“It’s tough to say. Cinder and her cronies do have quite a lot of shit together and they’re certainly pissed off at the world enough to try something.”

“Remnant’s been at peace for so long. I can’t imagine what would happen if the kingdoms went to war against each other again.”

“Has it really? I bet your White Fang buddy would have something to say about that.”

“Neo, please,” said Yang in desperation, “you have to do this one thing for me. Promise me that you’ll do whatever you can to make sure that this war doesn’t happen.”

“And why should I help you with anything?”

“I don’t want to have to play this card but I did save your life. I know you don’t owe me anything but please, it would mean everything to me if you can somehow keep us from going to war. I’ve lost too many people in my life already and I don’t want war to take any more. Please, I’m begging you.”

Neo paused for a few moments to consider what Yang was asking for her. Finally, she closed her eyes and let out a defeated sigh as she began to write, “Okay, fine. I can’t guarantee that I can stop it. But I’ll give your leaders all the intel I can so that they can maybe put an end to it.”

“Thank you. Thank you so much.” Yang hugged Neo tightly against her and caused a searing surge of pain from Neo’s wounds. Neo frantically flailed against Yang to try and get her to release her. Yang realized what she’d done and quickly backed away from Neo who was gritting her teeth in agony.

“You know I can’t be an informant if I’m broken in half, right?” Neo signed as the pain slowly began to ebb.

“Sorry, I got carried away,” muttered Yang sheepishly. “I should probably go and let you try and get back to sleep, yeah?” Yang went to leave but Neo quickly grabbed onto Yang’s wrist and held onto it tightly. Yang glanced back at Neo and saw she looked as surprised at her actions as Yang was. With her free hand, Neo grabbed her marker and wrote out a message for Yang.

“Please stay?” Yang read the message and then looked to Neo. She looked terrified and Yang wasn’t sure if it was because Yang might leave or because she’d written that note. Yang couldn’t help noting the similarity to Ruby when she was younger and would beg Yang to let her stay in Yang’s bed. Yang then soberly nodded and readjusted herself to how she was lying before. Neo returned her head onto Yang’s chest and listened to her heartbeat again. As strange as it was, just hearing that made Neo feel very safe and protected. Within a few minutes, both girls drifted off to sleep.

————————————————————————————————

Neo panted for breath as she glared at Emerald who was holding Neo’s parasol and malevolently twirling it in her fingers. Neo made a lunge for her but Emerald simply teleported away again and reappeared a few feet to her left. As Neo tried to strike Emerald again, a sudden kick from out of her vision landed right in her stomach and knocked the wind out of her. As Neo struggled for breath, another kick came at her, this time striking her in the jaw. Neo flopped to the ground but immediately tried to get back on her feet. As she raised her head, she saw Mercury standing above her, his leg poised in the air. He then brought his foot down with a smashing axe kick, causing the ground under Neo’s head to crack.

Emerald then hooked Neo by the back of her collar with the crook parasol and pulled Neo into a kneeling position. Through the fog caused by the kicks, Neo could faintly see the glowing eyes of Cinder walking towards her. As her vision fully recovered, Neo noticed the bow in Cinder’s hand with a frightening black arrow cocked back and aimed right at Neo’s heart.

“Tell me Neo, do you believe in destiny?” Cinder asked. But before any sort of answer could be given, the lights suddenly went out. Neo heard an arrow whiz by her face and clatter to the ground.

“Whoa, what happened?” Mercury yelled in surprise. “Everything suddenly went dark!”

“No kidding, genius,” grumbled Emerald. “The power went out. Go check the fusebox and see if it needs a new one.”

“No, wait,” Cinder said with a noticeable twinge of fear, “we must have been found out. Quickly, retreat.” The three villains tried to make their way out of the dark but suddenly Neo could hear blows being landed and grunts of pain. An enraged yell rang out and Neo looked up to see Cinder flashing in and out of light as muzzle blasts illuminated her while loud shotgun shots rang out. After several seconds of being pummeled, Cinder crumpled unconscious to the floor. Before she knew what was happening, Neo was scooped up by a pair of strong, sculpted arms and was being carried princess style away from her captors.

“It’s okay Neo, you’re safe now,” her savior said. Neo broke into a wide smile as she realized that she had been saved by Yang. She threw her arms around Yang’s neck and nuzzled her face against the blonde’s. Yang finally got the two of them out of the room and removed the night vision goggles she’d been wearing. She looked down at Neo who looked very relieved to be out of that mess.

“I always wondered what it would be like to be saved by my hero,” Neo signed to her.

“Yeah? Did I meet your expectations?” Yang asked cheekily.

“More than you ever could have done. I think you deserve a reward.” Neo then readjusted her body until her legs were wrapped around Yang’s torso and she was looking the blonde in the eye. She then pulled Yang in for a passionate kiss. Yang was all too happy to reciprocate as she ran her free hand through Neo’s hair.

“I love you,” Yang whispered against Neo’s lips. Neo shivered as goosebumps erupted down her spine and she slid her head down onto Yang’s shoulder. Yang hugged Neo tightly against her but not too tight as she lightly rubbed Neo’s back.

Neo tilted her head up and said hoarsely into Yang’s ear, “I love you too.”

Neo’s eyes snapped open and she found herself back in Yang’s guest room. Down the hall, Neo could faintly hear the sound of sizzling bacon and the delicious smell of pancakes. She then noticed that Yang was no longer in bed with her and judging by the temperature of the space next to her, she’d been gone for a little while. Neo felt a stray tear leak out of her eye and she sadly placed her hand on the pillow Yang had been using. She then recalled the dream she had been having and her heart fluttered at the memory of kissing Yang. As much as she enjoyed the thought of that happening, Neo had to admit that this was not good. Things were starting to get very complicated for her very fast. And if she didn’t get her emotions in check as soon as possible, she could end up falling for someone she knew she shouldn’t.

[fountainpenguin]

 How Fairy Aging Works In My FOP Fanfics

So, remember when I said that I apparently dreamed telling you guys about this and went frantic trying to pull it up again to no avail? Well, I put off “redoing” this post for awhile, but considering what’s coming up, I want to go over it “again.”

Previously:

I determined 11,250 years = 1 year of human aging in my headcanon

I speculated on magic, immortality, and how magic affects aging

Overview:

Fairy children mature rapidly until they hit the mental age of 10. Poof is mentally about 5 through most of Season 6, and mentally 7 throughout Season 7. From “Love Triangle” on, he’s mentally 10 or 11.

Anti-Fairy babies mature sooner than Fairy ones. No surprise there. Foop was born mentally 6 years old, but also with advanced vocabulary automatically imprinted in his brain 

Anti-Cosmo had a wing injury that never properly healed, and sometimes this gets mentioned in my works. He “limps”. Foop mentally inherited the injury, even though his wing is perfectly fine. Foop behaves as though he’s limping, when there’s nothing wrong with him. His alternate personality, Hiccup, does not limp because there’s no physical injury there. If you confronted Foop about this, he would be confused. He can’t help himself. It’s something he inherited. That’s just how Anti-Fairy babies work. Sometimes you get lucky and inherit advanced vocabulary, sometimes you get unlucky and you inherit weird injuries and behaviors.

So, here’s a breakdown of how aging works:

Birth: A baby is very young. They can fly and understand speech, but have little to no control over their magic. Fairy babies have to drink milk to receive its nutrients and hormones, including several involved in the ability to use magic. Without the proper hormones in the milk, the baby won’t be able to use magic or fly. This state is called “tomte”.

Also, the Fairy baby physically cannot digest anything besides milk. They will throw up anything else, and literally die without some sort of milk. Anti-Fairy babies will be healthier if they drink milk, but they won’t starve without it, as they cannot die so long as their Fairy counterpart lives.

Changeling children are a thing because the need for milk is so extreme, but that’s gone out of fashion lately. Sammy Sweetsparkle is still 100% a changeling as far as I’m concerned. There’s very little reason for this. But I was not joking when I told you his changeling family I am completely serious just watch me.

Fairy babies can only say “Poof poof” until they experience pooferty, as we saw in “School of Crock”. However, Anti-Fairy babies are born in a more advanced state, perhaps because they need to be capable of caring for themselves due to the frequency of neglectful parents in Anti-Fairy World.

A Fairy or pixie baby is properly called a nymph. An Anti-Fairy baby is called a pup. They’re... babies. That’s about it.

1: Fairy babies wean between eight months of age and two years old. The vast majority wean around the time of their first birthday. Sometime close to their weaning, they shed their exoskeletons; Fairies stop being round, Anti-Fairies stop being cubes, and pixies stop being hexagonal. They get “real bodies” at this time, and look like little Fairies and Anti-Fairies.

Poof and Foop’s shedding was especially delayed due to the frozen timestream, as we learned in “Timmy’s Secret Wish”. Foop is synced up to him, so Foop stayed a box until the timestream was unfrozen and Poof began to properly age again. Poof and Foop shed towards the end of Season 10. We’ll be getting a Prompt called “Evolution Hopeful” soon that covers this event.

2: At some point during their second year, a Fairy baby goes through the Terrible Twos, and an Anti-Fairy experiences the Terrific Twos, as we saw in the Season 9 episode, “The Terrible Twosome”. If you read my fanfic Origin of the Pixies, you saw in “Spoonful of Sugar” that pixies become super emo during this time.

45 - 55: Because they mature rapidly, young Fairies and Anti-Fairies need constant stimulation. Between the ages of 45 and 55, they attend school with the rest of their cohort, as I discussed in THIS post.

Around this time, many Anti-Fairies engage in a rite of passage called a canetis, as we’ll see soon in Frayed Knots, which is a hunting ritual involving the use of echolocation. After their canetis, an Anti-Fairy is no longer referred to as a pup. They’re called a juvenile. Similarly, once they turn 50 / start attending school, a Fairy is called a juvenile instead of nymph.

55 ~ 140,000+: The juvenile years! As you can see, not a ton changes during this time period. Alllllll of this seems super slow. Depending on the child’s individual maturity level, they may seem anywhere between 8 and 13; they will probably be closer to 8 in the beginning and gradually mature to 13 towards the end. You could refer to this time period as adolescence, or the teenage years.

I believe I’ve mentioned that Poof grew up always comparing himself to humans. He had a really rough time in his youth because he didn’t seem to be aging like his parents’ human godkids. He was stuck at 10 forever. That was good fun, and he played with some godkids, but he always had to watch them mature, and he always felt stuck, and like he was being left behind. Lots of self-esteem issues.

~140,000 - 180,000+: At some point between these years, Fairies and Anti-Fairies experience puberty. As you can see, this is a 40,000-year period. It’s different for everyone. Experiencing puberty is also known as “getting your adult wings”, due to the fact that Fairies literally moult their wings (Anti-Fairies don’t).

The proper term for a Fairy or Anti-Fairy at this age is “adult”, even though they may be mentally a teen. A Fairy or Anti-Fairy stops growing when they get their adult wings. This is also when they reach sexual maturity.

From this point on, you can divide the age of a fairy by 11,250 to get their age in human years. They will now continue aging 1 human year for every 11,250 years, where up until now you couldn’t calculate that with perfect accuracy.

Anti-Fairies are legally considered adults at the age 150,000 (Mentally 13), regardless of whether or not they have their adult wings. Anything that involves legal adulthood, they can do starting at 150,000- including going to adult jail.

~180,000+: Continued adulthood. You’ve finished puberty, you’ve got your adult wings, and you are totally an adult. Cosmo, Wanda, and the majority of Fairies and Anti-Fairies we see in the show are at this stage of development. 

Fairies are legally considered adults at the age of 200,000. Getting your adult wings basically means reaching the age of 16 in America, when you can drive, or the age of 18, when you can legally sign paperwork. 200,000 is legal drinking age, as well as the age you have to be to legally adopt someone, et cetera.

Age of majority for pixies is 250,000, because H.P. freaks out at the thought of his pixies wanting to leave him at the age of 200,000, so he legally boosted age of majority during a court case called Whimsifinado v. Caudwell. However, he looks the other way where sugar is concerned. Honestly, you can have sugar under the age of 200,000 and he won’t care. He loves his soda.

As I said, sexual maturity is reached with the adult wings. “Teenage pregnancy” would occur if a Fairy became pregnant after getting their adult wings but before the age of 200,000. It’s impossible to get pregnant during the juvenile years. A Fairy’s body simply isn’t developed yet.

Teenage pregnancy isn’t much of a thing in Anti-Fairy society; Anti-Fairies physically can’t get pregnant unless their counterpart is, which has led to their culture being very loose. It’s common / expected for Anti-Fairies to engage in intimacy... basically any time after getting their adult wings. It’s considered bizarre for an Anti-Fairy to get their adult wings and remain a virgin for more than a few centuries, unless they’re waiting for their special someone to come into maturity. But if you’re in a relationship and you’re both mature virgins... Why??? It’s just the way their culture is. Very casual, not a lot of consequences.

Average of 800,000 years: At some point in late adulthood, a Fairy and Anti-Fairy will experience another stage of the life cycle. It’s called the senescent stage. This is the stage H.P. is in when we see him in the show. He’s genetically identical to all the other pixies. However, he looks a little different because he’s in another stage of development. It’s the “wearing down” stage, when a Fairy or Anti-Fairy is older and beyond their prime. They can’t heal as well as they used to; a Fairy or pixie who badly tears their senescent wings will never be able to fly again. Their wings just won’t heal. Stuff like that.

A Fairy in their senescent stage is capable of dying from an illness, whereas in their juvenile or adult years, that’s extremely rare because Fairies have powerful immune systems and healing abilities.

The time a Fairy reaches this stage depends on many factors (Anti-Fairies only reach this stage if their Fairy counterpart does). Using magic speeds up aging. Being more conservative with your magic usage will let you age more slowly, though you can’t stop it completely. Other factors, such as physical health and how near or far you live from the Big Wand, play into this too.

By Anti-Fairy law, a reigning High Count / High Countess must step down if they reach the senescent stage of their life cycle. These Anti-Fairies are still greatly respected in Anti-Fairy culture; it’s just a warning that hey, you’re getting old, and you should definitely let your heir take the reins if you haven’t yet, and be a guide to help them along.

Foop was born when Anti-Cosmo was about 381,444 years old, and Anti-Wanda was 394,777 (These are the ages I’ve written down, but I have never once checked to see if they fit my Fairy zodiac because I don’t like math. Just go with it). So, if his parents were to hold onto their positions until they hit their senescent stages, Foop would take the High Count seat around the age of 30. 

This is based off the assumption that Anti-Wanda would reach the senescent stage first (Maybe around the age 730,000, which would be 335,000 years from now), and Anti-Cosmo would simply step down at the same time.

That’s how aging works in my fanfics.

[ramajmedia]

Joker Movie Early Reviews Are Here! | Screen Rant

The Joker movie early reviews are in - see what the critics are saying about Todd Phillips' R-rated DC comics film starring Joaquin Phoenix. Over the last few years, Warner Bros. and DC Films have established a cinematic universe of superheroes with films like Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, Suicide Squad, Wonder Woman and Aquaman, which has come to be known as the DC Extended Universe. However, the studios' next comic book adaptation is Phillips' Joker, which takes place in a separate universe. And instead of bringing back Jared Leto, who played the Clown Prince of Crime in Suicide Squad, the movie cast Phoenix as a different take on the Joker.

Being set outside the DCEU isn't the only difference in Joker, which Phillips has repeatedly said doesn't draw very much inspiration from the DC comics. It's also being positioned as a major awards contender, holding its world premiere screening at the Venice Film Festival this weekend. Phillips Joker movie is also rated R, another rarity in the realm of comic book superhero adaptations - though there have been exceptions like Deadpool and Logan. Now, following its screening in Venice, and after the Joker first reactions dropped earlier today, the early reviews for Phillips and Phoenix's movie are in.

Related: Film Festival 2019 Preview: 12 Biggest Movies With Oscar Chances

You can read through spoiler-free excerpts from the Joker movie early reviews below. For more, click on the corresponding links to check out the reviews in full.

David Rooney, THR

But this is Phoenix's film, and he inhabits it with an insanity by turns pitiful and fearsome in an out-there performance that's no laughing matter. Not to discredit the imaginative vision of the writer-director, his co-scripter and invaluable tech and design teams, but Phoenix is the prime force that makes Joker such a distinctively edgy entry in the Hollywood comics industrial complex.

Owen Gleiberman, Variety

Joaquin Phoenix is astonishing as a mentally ill geek who becomes the killer-clown Joker in Todd Phillips' neo-'Taxi Driver' knockout: the rare comic-book movie that expresses what's happening in the real world.

Stephanie Zacharek, TIME

The movie’s cracks — and it’s practically all cracks — are stuffed with phony philosophy. Joker is dark only in a stupidly adolescent way, but it wants us to think it’s imparting subtle political or cultural wisdom. ... Arthur inspires chaos and anarchy, but the movie makes it look like he’s starting a revolution, where the rich are taken down, the poor get everything they need and deserve, and the sad guys who can’t get a date become killer heroes. There’s a sick joke in there somewhere. Unfortunately, it’s on us.

Alonso Duralde, The Wrap

The politics of “Joker” are similarly wobbly; web pundits on all sides of the spectrum will no doubt fish out this idea or that line of dialogue to declaim what “Joker” is “really” about, which ultimately means it’s not really about much of anything at all. It will be tempting for some to declare this the first art film based on a DC or Marvel property, but while it certainly represents a bit of a departure and something of a risk, “Joker” is ultimately grim-and-gritty comic book nihilism jacked up to the nth degree, wrapped up in a convincing but ultimately hollow simulacra of better, smarter movies.

Jessica Kiang, The Playlist

In amongst “Joker’s” fire and blood and chaos and its blackest of blackhearted laughter, there is the sense of a grotesque, green-haired genie being let out of a bottle, and whether it wreaks havoc or not, we’re not going to be able to put it back in. At the press conference after the Venice press screening, Phillips asserted his belief that while movies mirror society, they do not mold it. While not usually ones to deny cinema one iota of its power, this time we just have to hope that he’s right because whatever monumentally unfunny funhouse we’re in, we’re barely hanging on in the world “Joker” reflects. I’m not sure we’d survive the one it would build.

David Ehrlich, IndieWire

Todd Phillips’ “Joker” is unquestionably the boldest reinvention of “superhero” cinema since “The Dark Knight”; a true original that’s sure to be remembered as one of the most transgressive studio blockbusters of the 21st Century. It’s also a toxic rallying cry for self-pitying incels, and a hyper-familiar origin story so indebted to “Taxi Driver” and “The King of Comedy” that Martin Scorsese probably deserves an executive producer credit.

Terri White, Empire

This could, particularly in the current climate, be viewed as a lament for outsiders and the ignored. That’s too simple and Joker does anything but deliver you easy answers. It’s a sad, chaotic, slow-burn study of someone who isn’t visible; who doesn’t even exist to the world around them. But your empathy, sympathy even, isn’t guaranteed, and it begins to dissolve as Arthur somehow moves even further to the edges.

Justin Chang, The L.A. Times

A dark realist thriller in comic-book drag — or to put it another way, a Hollywood entertainment willing to take its time as it builds tension and brims with ideas — is nothing to scoff at. Still, there are times when your admiration for the filmmaking may blur into the movie’s own obvious admiration for itself. The mounting violence is intensely unpleasant, shocking if not particularly surprising; in scene after scene, the buildup is so agonizingly drawn out that you’re unsure whether the movie is depicting or embracing its protagonist’s cruelty. Perhaps the distinction matters less than we like to think.

Jenna Busch, Vital Thrills

This standalone film was a brave choice by Warner Bros., and it’s very likely going to pay off. Again, this is a difficult film to watch, and it’s going to take time to process, but ultimately, I think this is going to be a definitive part of Joker canon.

Glen Kenny, Roger Ebert

As social commentary, “Joker” is pernicious garbage. But besides the wacky pleasures of Phoenix’s performance, it also displays some major movie studio core competencies, in a not dissimilar way to what “A Star Is Born” presented last year.

Jim Vejvoda, IGN

Featuring a riveting, fully realized, and Oscar-worthy performance by Joaquin Phoenix, Joker would work just as well as an engrossing character study without any of its DC Comics trappings; that it just so happens to be a brilliant Batman-universe movie is icing on the Batfan cake. You will likely leave Joker feeling like I did: unsettled and ready to debate the film for years to come.

Dorian Parks, Geeks of Color

I believe this is one of Warner Bros. most ambitious projects thus far when it comes to their comic book-based films. In saying this, I also believe Joker could be a potential game changer for the comic book genre in general. Other examples of this would be both Deadpool and Logan. Both of these films really took risks when it came to heavier material, darker themes, and really looking into the minds of its main characters.

Looking at the Joker early reviews, it's undeniable Phillips' movie has Oscar potential, especially in regards to Phoenix's performance as Arthur Fleck. The majority of reviewers seem to agree that Phoenix will have a shot at the Best Actor award, and may be a serious contender. However, these reviews also preview a divisiveness that's sure to arise from the movie, which has inspired both scorn and excitement since it was announced. It remains to be seen whether casual viewers will have similarly divisive views on Joker once it hits theaters, but that seems a likely outcome considering these early reviews.

Of course, if a movie is as divisive as Joker seems to be, it's unclear if the film will be as financially successful as Warner Bros. may be hoping. Certainly, Joker's R rating cuts down the potential audience, though Deadpool proved R-rated superhero movies can be major box office successes. And Joker being well-known as a Batman villain no doubt ensures the movie has some mainstream appeal. Still, it remains to be seen if general audiences will be as taken with Joker as many early reviewers have been. That said, the early hype for Joker is heartening for those looking forward to Phoenix's turn as the character, and could foretell an incredibly successful run for Phillips' film. Now fans just have to wait and see it for themselves when Joker is released in early October.

Next: Joker Final Trailer Breakdown: 13 Last Minute Story Reveals

Source: Various (see links above)

source https://screenrant.com/joker-movie-reviews-preview/

[autisticunmasked360]

360 Behind The Scenes: An Autistic Unmasked

Two months ago I received an official diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder (amongst a couple of old three-letter friends in the DSM that I’ve known awhile) after summoning the courage to pursue an assessment. Asking anyone to deliberately stick any kind of label on me is not something that I would ordinarily endorse for myself (BUT each to their own) and it was the (unofficial) primary basis on which I was advised against an assessment in the past. I’m also not one to purposefully seek or care for an itemised breakdown of how the majority and ‘normative’ part of the human population would regard and classify my nature and behaviours. I am, however, a scientist who continuously looks to understand herself and the world around her. The truth is that once I suspected I might meet the diagnostic criteria for ASD, it felt somehow dishonest or irresponsible to go along ignoring it and pretending I could just go through life in more or less the same way as anyone else (even though I already had been for over a quarter century). More importantly, it felt more restrictive and discriminatory to myself to continue on assumptions rather than try for a sound answer. One thing I do know for sure is how much my brain loves certainty/clarity (or the closest you can really get)! Thus, I did the activities and questionnaires etc. and there it was: a shiny new acronym for something that has been a part of me from the beginning.

I’d tried to rehearse my reaction the way I always rehearse every little exchange, from important requests like asking someone for help or making an appointment to relatively inconsequential matters such as a simple good morning pleasantry or ordering food in the drive-thru. I just know I can’t always rely on spontaneous verbalisation to come through for me in the moment and that’s my solution. How was I to know it’s common to a recognised ‘disorder’ and not something other people do because they can? In the end it made no difference because he told me sooner than I had anticipated 😅 I nodded, I smiled, I indicated that I understood and was ok, I left... and in probably less than a day, as one might fully expect, my brain took up a doubtful resistance 🤦🏼‍♀️ that familiar narrative that surely had nothing to do with the reality whatsoever, but is simply my mind’s overly rigorous screening system charged with achieving the maximum certainty possible. Despite the assessment being an idea from my own head, it wanted to be REALLY SURE that the outcome was definitively conclusive. After all, if no one else in almost 30 years had ever considered this and one (seemingly highly credible) person had even rejected the notion, then I needed to be EXTRA convinced that it was legitimate. Was I sure in all my responses? Could there have been something relevant that I didn’t mention (in the PAGES of unrequested notes and long-winded explanations I’d provided on the off chance my verbal skills failed me)? What if something unusual happened that day to throw me off and skew a test? 🤔

I persevered through all these (hardly novel) mental gymnastics until I reached a new (though loosely related) line of wondering: how could there be something so ingrained in who I am that has never been truly seen or acknowledged by another human being? Does nobody on this Earth really know who I am? It was this, more than anything, that left me unsettled and distressed by it all. I’d been partially isolated the whole time, but I’d never felt it at all until this point. I’d never felt invisible and I’d never wished to be as so many other kids do for their own various reasons. In fact, the only thing I’d ever clearly longed for in my whole life was one person that would walk through life beside me, with them as they are and I as I am, so that I could share. I’m an older sister and the birth of my sibling was and forever will be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I just want one person who can and will meet me where I am and journey onwards together. Suddenly this seemed more exceedingly ambitious than it ever had before. Difficult? Obviously. Monumental? Potentially. Impossible? I don’t know.

It probably seems counterintuitive that a desire for connection was arguably one of my biggest worries around the ASD diagnosis when much of the diagnostic questioning and criteria implies that I’d decline social engagement as much as possible and struggle on occasions where it cannot be avoided. It’s still true that I really don’t feel comfortable mixing in groups or large gatherings of people. I don’t care for small talk in the slightest and genuinely struggle at times to comprehend what actual value it can offer to anyone. At the same time, I have more thoughts and feelings and ideas than I can possibly contain and when I occasionally see something in another person that is recognisable, that resonates with what my soul knows as ‘home’, then my first instinct is to speak every truth in my consciousness and sing every note in my melody until nothing is left unexplored. I don’t want to be lost from the world one day without ever having truly touched anything or anyone and that’s nothing to do with being autistic or otherwise.

To that end, I’ve come up with a personal anti-masking initiative. Masking, as best I can explain it, is where a person makes a sustained, concerted effort to conceal their autistic traits and behaviours to get by in the immediate situation. I realise that this has the potential to make it sound fake and mistrusting, but the vast majority of my masking is not me trying to pass off a different version of myself. It is simply aimed at preventing negative feelings in others for THEIR comfort rather than my own and getting everyone through (because I’m not going to be all that comfortable if I’m excessively filtering myself). I know what it feels like to be upset and whether I know exactly why someone is upset or not, I don’t want it for them if it can be reasonably avoided and there seem to be many occasions where it might be if I didn’t do things as I’d like: if I didn’t sing to myself, if I kept my arms and legs the same way as everyone else in the room, if I didn’t ask all my questions, if I’d put things down when I wasn’t finished and come back later, if I put up with a bit of mess or inaccuracy to get things done faster (man, it pains me just to type that last one 😓). Once it’s seemed to work a few times, you become practiced and it becomes almost automatic. It’s a remarkable survival skill and I’m actually genuinely appreciative that I’m capable of masking and that it has let me attempt to ‘fly under the radar’ amongst my peers growing up so that I had the most opportunity to at least try things any way I wanted. The thing is, masking is incredibly draining. It’s like if an actor didn’t come out of character at the end of the day’s filming. If they failed to come back to themselves when the camera was off, they’d lose track of all their own stuff and likely be rather disoriented when they did eventually return. Not only are you losing touch with the rest of yourself, you’re also prevented from meeting your physical and emotional needs while you’re masked. I learned to ignore so many signs from my body trying to tell me what it needed and I came to honestly believe that I was hard to care for just because no one had worked it out and I couldn’t articulate it either. (No human being is truly hard to care for, it’s only ever a question of whether someone has it in them or not.) At one point years and years ago I gave up completely for a while in the hope that it would somehow force a solution. Spoiler alert: it didn’t. It was a spectacular failure from which I am, at long last, finally moving on.

The point (there is one, I promise) is that I know that masking has left me in serious burnout already in the past and now that I’m more aware, I can learn how to counterbalance by honouring the moments and periods where I am unmasked. To achieve this, I’m tasking myself with posting a picture each day for 360 days of a notable moment where I was not masking. I’m not sure if it will actually make sense to anyone else (I never am), but that’s not the criteria for success of the endeavour ☺️ as long as it helps me keep my heart open to life and all the things and people in it, I’m satisfied 👌🏼🙏🏼 and if my sh*tty executive functioning can get on board enough for me to actually post each day, I’ll be wildly impressed! 👏🏼

Note: I desperately wanted to start this on the 24th or 25th latest, but I was away and distracted for the weekend 😕 so I’m trying to just be pleased my brain got it this far 🤓