#he went back and forth for years between treating her like the only person that mattered in the world and someone who didn't mean anything

[symphonyofmars]

There was something I wanted to add as i saw people arguing back and forth (and this might be against my better judgement): but I believe the first post I saw referenced Bell Hooks, and then I later saw someone else say that the use of her quote was bullshit. The quote had to do with being compassionate towards men, and then the person responding said that wasn't what the quote is about (iirc, it's been a few days and my sense of time is not great) but having read The Will to Change (which I believe the quote was taken from), that's exactly what it was about.

[adding a read more because this became much longer than I intended it to be]

The book discusses how the patriarchy hurts not just women, but ALSO men, and how it's so much harder to rehabilitate men from it because: they think they stand something to gain from cramming themselves into the box they're supposed to fit into, and, many of them just have no idea that their life could even be different. That they could be an artist if they want to, they could dance if they want to, they could go into childcare if they want to or grow their hair long or write poetry or paint their nails-- that there are no "boy colors" and "girl colors", that there are no "men's jobs" and "women's jobs", that they could just do what they want because it makes them happy. They don't even know that being happy is more important than filling their sociological niche that someone else has carved out for them. It reminds me when I learned the story of Siddhartha Gautama when I was little, and that he had no idea that poverty, sickness, and suffering even existed because he had never been outside the palace walls and, not that I'm saying every man can achieve nirvana in an afternoon (or even in a lifetime), sometimes someone who knows what's outside the walls has to let you know that there is even something beyond the walls.

Which is also not to say that women need to be doing all the work for men. I spent ten years trying to disabuse a man of the "things he has to do to be manly" and it ended with him breaking up with me and joining a trad christian cult.

Some men (like my ex) are just extremely resistant to change because change is terrifying, but they also have this sense of Sunk Cost Fallacy, where if they were doing this thing the whole time and it's not working, then what were they wasting their time on?? (I feel like you see this with a lot of evangelical/trad Christians as well, where the idea that they might have been wrong is so scary that they double down on their beliefs in the hope that it will work out for them.)

But, there are also men like a book reviewer I was watching a few days ago (whose name I don't know), who admitted that he really had no idea women were catcalled as much as we say we are, until he was grocery shopping with his girlfriend and she went into the next aisle (literally like five feet away, just with the wall of food between them) and he heard a man catcall her. Like, the second she walked away from him and she no longer obviously belonged to him (in the mind of horrible men like her catcaller) she was suddenly fair game to be harassed in public. And he said that he never didn't believe his girlfriend, but to witness something makes it so much more real. To use my "wall" metaphor another way: he and so many men are still inside the palace, experiencing what they think is the same life others experience, while women are outside of the walls, struggling. The incident of hearing his girlfriend (who is an adult women and who shouldn't need him constantly around as protection from horrible men) being treated like an object while she's by herself was like someone grabbing his hand and pulling him outside the walls without even asking if he wanted to go, showing him a truth that can only be experienced by someone who is not him.

Back to Bell Hooks because there was something I wanted to add: yes she does say that it is at least partly the job of feminists to help to deprogram men. Men, as a group, have been brainwashed to think that they have to be The Provider, The Protector, The Leader, and not all of them are good at providing, protecting, or leading. Maybe some of them want to do the things I mentioned before like care for others (in the way we would describe as "maternal" and attribute to women), maybe they want to create art or do crafts or other things not considered "traditionally masculine", and that's not even taking into account that the "traditional idea" of a man is to be constantly wanting sex, and that men could never be sexually assaulted because they're in a constant state of wanting to fuck (obviously this is a lie; anyone can be sexually assaulted, and not everyone wants to fuck). You can't just take a dog who was taught only to fight and put it in a house of children, it won't know how to act around them and might attack them: it needs to be rehabilitated first.

And Bell Hooks does note, that the problem with trying to deprogram men comes from how they're raised. I'd like to submit this video about men and empathy, since I've already typed a bunch:

When I was reading The Will To Change and I got up to the part about her dad, I realized how different my dad is. And, because you don't get to choose your parents, I consider myself very lucky that my dad has always been unconditional in his love. For a moment I almost found this strange because his older brother was the "golden child" and his younger brother was "the baby", so he should have been somewhat neglected because they always got more affection from their parents, but I think it's because he was the favorite of his four girl cousins who would take him everywhere and fight over him (even now, he's the one they're excited to see and they shittalk the other two lol). So, I have a sneaking suspicion that the only reason he didn't end up shitty like his brothers, is because when he was a child he had four girls who were showing him what unconditional love was like and that you don't need to meet the criteria of your niche in order to receive love.

Which, I have to thank them for, because it's so much easier not having to decide whether or not I want to talk to my own parents as an adult because they've gone Fox News Insane. Both my parents will actually ask me about things they don't understand - like trans rights, queer rights in general, voting (I made them a paper of who/what to vote for for the election since the props always need extra research), geopolitical things - and I've even caught my dad making fun of conspiracy theorists and the thinking that trans women are ruining sports (he's a big sports guy and he mostly watches women's bball because he likes that they actually have to play as a team in a team sport). Life is a lot easier when both parents have empathy and don't have to be convinced to care about others.

And I think that's why the OG post I saw quoted Bell Hooks, because the "we need to rehabilitate men otherwise we can't have the feminist future we want" contingent of feminism never really took off; there was one-- I believe they were originally called "Meninists" as in "men who are feminists" and I've seen a picture of them from a parade in the 70s, but it died out because they were fighting such an uphill battle trying to convince other men to join. So now, we have more women who are independent and who have de-centered men from their lives, but also a bunch of men who were never rehabbed and who don't know their life doesn't need to revolve around "being a man." Being a man means being strong, it means being able to provide, it means being attractive; and the Tates and Fresh and Fits and all the other scam artists of the world sell them this on steroids: buy my book and you WILL be hot, you WILL be a millionaire, you WILL have women who want to fuck you...

Never mind that those guys are probably on actual steroids, they only have that money from scamming other men, and many of them have been found to hire escorts (which, there's nothing wrong with hiring sex workers, but there's a difference between selling the idea that you'll be so charismatic that women will throw themselves at you and having to hire a sex worker because your personality is so bad that no one wants to go near you.)

They're selling a false ideal to men who don't even know it's false in the first place.

But going back to Ms Hooks again: she did talk a great deal about how we need to raise our boys (as a society). She talks about how the whole thing of telling a nine-year old "Take care of your mother" is an insane notion, because he's nine and he can't do anything, and she's an adult woman who is actually the caretaker; and about how boy babies are treated so differently even to the point of "baby boys should not cry as much as baby girls". Like, the gender requirements are there before they can even talk, no wonder they're so damaged and hard to convince of anything later in life.

Reads with Rachel and her husband, Carlos, had two really good discussions about masculinity; one about real masculinity vs performed masculinity as they compared two books about being a man:

As Rachel says after Carlos complained about being made fun of for cleaning his nails after working on his car ("I work an office job and I have cleanliness standards"): "It's not enough for you to know how to work on a car, you also have to be dirty in order to be the manliest man."

The other is in the context of talking about how Patrick Rothfuss isn't the feminist he thinks he is because he still wants the women around him to perform femininity so he can perform masculinity and feel like "a big strong man" before going into a general discussion about masculinity (from about 9:01 to 53:55):

Together they ask a really good question (pardon me if I don't remember it verbatim): "Why does it take someone acting in a particular role for you to feel like a man?" And it's easier for Carlos to be able to deal with that question, because he started deconstructing from the patriarchy when he was 25 (he said he's 32 at the time of that video). It's something he and Rachel have done together as they learn and grow and live their lives together, him deconstructing from the patriarchy and her deconstructing from her fundamentalist christian upbringing (which is basically just The Patriarchy, but More, and +God.) And they've done this because they came to realize their upbringing was wrong, and they didn't want to raise their sons to be saddled with the same baggage that they both grew up with that made their lives worse.

So yeah, I forgot where I was going with this anymore since finding the one video took so long. The majority of men are resistant to changing their mind and it's because they were raised to be unemotional and not care about others but, sometimes, if maybe you've been friends with someone a while and take the time to explain something in a way they understand, you can change someone's mind. Story time:

I was a mod for a streamer for about a month and a half roundabouts January to February of this year (I ended up leaving because trying to get a bunch of randos to behave was stressful - esp since the streamer's rules weren't clear - and I ended up not really liking the streamer as a person). One person in the discord said that they hated the phrase "It's not my job to educate you" because it was condescending. I defended it as people being tired of having to explain shit to people just because they're black or trans or a woman but a bunch of people latched on and started saying anti-left things, which was weird because the streamer and his discord were supposed to be leftist (it's part of why I left, he was just weirdly antagonistic towards leftist ideals despite calling himself a leftist and he was attracting some *ahem* weird types). Anyway, a day goes by and a trans person comes in and says something like "I don't think I should have to explain my existence to random people on the street just because I decided to go outside," and a bunch of people descended on them, telling them they were wrong, and I'm pretty sure they ended up leaving the server.

[Like, the original group-agreed-upon argument came down to "I shouldn't have to google things or look up books to read or do my own work to discover anything new about the world, I should be able to demand of a random person's time and energy, even though I'm not giving off the vibe of someone who is actually ready to listen" and when I pointed out that people know when someone is and is not ready to listen, the streamer himself asked me how I knew and I was like like "do you think that I, a woman in her 30s, is somehow incapable of being able to discern intent?" Most women and queer folk KNOW who's a bad actor before they open their mouth, the idea that any of us wouldn't was just wildly ignorant.]

I complained to my friend (who I had met in the server) that the streamer was wrong and everyone's reaction was bullshit and, at first, he agreed with the position that a trans person should be prepared to debate people on their own rights if they deign to step outside their home. I countered with "You know, [streamer] doesn't it get it because he's a straight white man. He's the default. Other straight white men already know what it's like to be a straight white man so they have no questions for him. But to be trans or otherwise queer or a woman or any other person outside of a white man, is to have people question whether you have a right to be where you are. Trans women I've known have told me that they've had complete randos ask them if they've had bottom surgery and just-- how is that their business? People act so invasive towards non-straight non-white non-men in a way that no one does towards straight white men that they literally just can't understand what it's like to have your existence questioned just because you went outside. Asking a stranger if they've had bottom surgery is LITERALLY sexual harassment, and no one would ever walk up to someone like [streamer] and ask him like, "How big is your dick?" or something of a similar nature because that's just insane behavior, but when it's a trans person or a woman, it's suddenly okay? Like why do you think that is?" And my comparison to how white men are treated vs everyone else, and my stance that asking a stranger if they've had bottom surgery is sexual harassment (it is, no one needs to know about your genitalia) got through to him and he agreed with me. Awhile later I even heard him saying something similar to someone else about a situation that was similar and taking up the stance that I had given him.

So like... yeah, I probably wouldn't do that for a random man on the internet who is determined to hate me, but I can do it for a friend who I know might be receptive to what I have to say to him, and help steer him away from opinions that could end up dragging him down the wrong path.

As this post's OP said: "it's not saying you HAVE to do it! it's saying you CAN do it!"

It's up to you if you want to try effecting the people around you, but if they've dug in their heels that much then it's okay if you want to leave and not speak to them again. Just know that, it's only so hard for you because they were brainwashed since birth to think the way they think and that's REALLY hard to undo. And that's not a pass, that's just the reason why this is so fucking hard for the rest of us (when they're adults and harder to reason with because they're so invested) and also, the reason why mothers of sons need to maybe rethink how they're raising them. Like, don't raise them with "boy colors" and "girl colors" raise them with "colors." Dance isn't something a girl does, it's something a body does. Women don't cook because cooking is a woman's thing, people cook because they want to eat. And... I'll be honest, I've known a few women who are just so mean to their husbands in a "why can't you be a real man?" way, and I just DON'T see how that makes him want to be a better person, but then again, those woman probably need as much deprogramming as their husbands do since they just keep reinforcing something that (she may not even be aware) is hurting them both.

So yeah, sorry if this was a bit rambling, but seeing people fight back and forth for the past week and seeing people take up some really... Mad Max-ian, like, ultra-anarcho-capitalist positions of "we shouldn't help any man at all, fuck em!" was really weird when it was being said by people who purport themselves as being feminists when feminist ethics is supposed to be more compassionate. There were just a handful of reactions I saw that seemed very "pull yourself up out of the patriarchy by your bootstraps" but like... what if their boots don't have bootstraps? What if they don't even have shoes on? What if they don't even know they could have shoes?

posts about the alt-right pipeline being compassionate towards young men while radical leftists shun and shame them are not fucking saying "the men are becoming violent because feminists are too mean!" and if that is your takeaway you need to get off tumblr until you've better honed your critical thinking skills.

those posts are talking about how effective the language and approach you take in your activism can be. this is literally cult deprogramming 101. if someone is being taken in by a violent or dangerous group, that violent or dangerous group is usually offering them compassion and solace while working hard to convince them everyone else in the world is their enemy. you are under no obligation to coddle or act compassionate toward these men and their violent ideologies, but if you have the means to try, it is something that you can do to make a tangible difference.

radicalized people are often only one loving friend or family member or external voice away from being de-radicalized. of course that is not always the case, but it very often is. a lot of y'all rightfully understand that you do not carry the burden of being that voice, but a lot of y'all also have a lot of internalized ideas about morals and punitive justice and have simply written off these people as deserving of only the worst and not worth saving.

ten years ago, my grandmother was a fox news watching republican who voted red in every election and very well could have fallen down the qanon rabbit hole if not for me and her daughter challenging her compassionately, walking her through hypotheticals that validated her feelings & proving why they were false, & being patient with her despite our extreme division in political ideology. it was frustrating fucking work! but i decided i wanted to do it, because i could see the horizon and i could see me making a difference!

"misogynists have been saying feminists are too mean for years, get new material" that is not the fucking POINT. the point is that you, feminist, can be the compassionate voice that guides your brother, your father, your cousin, your grandfather away from fucking becoming or staying a nazi. you can show them compassion and companionship. you can be the woman they think of when their alt-right bros try to convince them that women are the enemy. and you can choose to crystallize that image of yourself so wholly in their mind's eye as worth protecting that they may very well choose to reject those harmful ideas.

it's not saying you HAVE to do it! it's saying you CAN do it! don't you 'firebomb a walmart' people all love taking change into your own hands? where the fuck is that energy right now, huh?

[spurgie-cousin]

Yes do tell the story of the ring! We are a bit behind in Holland (sister wives-wise lol) but from what I've heard Christine told a story about Meri and now Meri is pissed?

Yea so Christine recently told this story in one of the "one on one" episodes (I wish they'd just call them Tell Alls but w/e) and Meri got mad because she said it wasn't a story she wanted to be public. But people realized afterward that this story had also been told by the lady who catfished Meri and Janelle, who mentioned it in an interview before Christine so.........idk if she just didn't know about that or she just needed to take some of her anger out on Christine or what.

Here's what happened: So when Kody and Meri first got legally married, they exchanged rings as one does and Meri got Kody a gold band with maybe some diamonds in it? And he wore it for years, even after he married Janelle and Christine, it just kind of functioned as his all-inclusive wedding band and he and Meri considered it to be a special symbol of their relationship.

So this next part is the version told by Christine and Meri and disputed by Robyn: Apparently around the time Kody was getting ready to marry Robyn, he just stopped wearing the ring all of a sudden, and when Meri noticed she understandably was like "hey where the hell is my ring" to which he said, "oh, I melted it down and saved the gold and the diamonds". Robyn says this happened waaaaay after before (i had to edit that my bad) she came into the picture though (spoiler alert, you can see Kody wearing the ring in the first episodes of the show while he's dating her so. She's lying.)

Christine says he told her that he did this because he "didn't want to feel like Meri had any power over him" anymore (which ??????). Another way Meri phrased it was that he didn't want to feel like she had any "claim" on him, and that was all the detail they went into. But according to Janelle, he used the gold and diamonds to make rings to give to some of his daughters, idk for what occasion. All of this was seven years before Meri's catfishing incident btw, and she insinuated that it really contributed to her feeling lonely in her family.

So Meri was obviously extremely hurt by that because he didn't ask her or even warn her he was doing this, and each wife had their little special things with Kody and that one was hers. After that they started the Claddagh ring tradition where Kody wore one and so did all the wives, but according to Christine at some point before she left Kody stopped wearing the Claddagh ring and he and Robyn went out and designed a new one? So he wore that for a while, and then most recently he and Robyn were out shopping and he saw some ring with a horse on it and now he wears that one, which he's explicitly said is only a symbol of him and Robyn's commitment.

I think a big reason Meri got mad is that before Christine told the story, she and the interviewer (Suki) were talking about the aforementioned stupid horse ring and laughing at it, and Meri for some reason took that as Christine laughing at her (imo she wasn't at all). Christine was already being asked questions about rings and probably though the story was fair game since it's been told before.

Anyway, I just think Meri was really embarrassed/hurt and didn't know what to do with all of it. And honestly, for me, it's hard to fault her for that because what a fucking awful, humiliating, belittling thing to do to someone who's supposed to be your spouse.....just from the stories we know about, Kody has treated her like absolute garbage and I think any sane person would have a hard time knowing how to deal with that.

I'll post the video though so you guys can see for yourselves and let me know what you think.

[cherrygukkie]

Late Night Encounters Pt. 3| jjk

Word count: 4,114+

A/N: Here is part 3 of Late Night Encounters. I hope you all enjoy reading! please don’t be afraid to give feedback. <3

••••

Questions raced throughout your mind.

How did Jungkook and Gaia know each other?

How was it possible that both of your enemies were friends?

Most importantly… What was their connection?

Her arrival was expected, but her and Jungkook being a pair was unexpected. Everyone knows that you and Gaia hate each other's guts, which is why you thought Jungkook was doing this for some twisted joke…

The history between you and her goes way back not from only being rivals...

Others would assume the opposite because she’s the captain of her team. A title like that is important and it means a lot.

A captain is someone who can guide others with responsibility and authority. They are filled with empathy, understanding and fairness while also valuing others opinions and treating everyone with respect.

Of course from your perspective, her character didn’t suit any of those things.

Her body stole the gap between you and Jungkook and ignored your existence as if you were invisible. As she turns around in front of you, her dark brown wavy hair dances in the air, nearly flying in your face.

You took a step back without a word. You knew it was most likely on purpose.

“Hey kook,” she says, pleased to see him. She wasted no time wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him in for a warm hug. Jungkook, who reciprocates the gesture, returns the same affection that was given.

“Thank you for coming.” The hug lasts a minute until they finally separate, but her hand remains on his arm. “I do appreciate it. It means a lot to me.”

“Of course.” He seemed happy to see Gaia. His eyes lit up like a puppy once he spoke to her. “You know I’d show up for you.”

After Gaia shows her appreciation by sending Jungkook a pretty smile with batting lashes, she turns around to finally acknowledge your existence.

The eyes of both of you immediately met with a fiercely piercing gaze, refueling the same flames from the last time you locked eyes. After all, this was the first time you were face to face since last year at the tournament.

As the tension lingers on in the air, Gaia breaks it with her words. "Well, hello Y/N.” You couldn't help but notice the judgmental look on her face as her eyes scanned your figure from head to toe.

It reminded you of the same look you shared moments before the buzzer went off. Both teams were divided on each side of the net and you and Gaia were intensely staring into each other's souls, ready to rip each other apart.

“Gaia,” you replied, voice steady and even.

Jungkook’s eyes bounced from you to Gaia back and forth sensing the unspoken tension between you both. He felt it getting heated…

“I see you finally decided to step out of the shadows after a few years…” The grin on her face didn’t even reach her eyes.

Who does she think she is calling that cheap shot a win? Then dares to make it seem like you’ve been embarrassed to show your face?

But it’s fine, she wasn’t the only one with words to exchange. You've been waiting a long time to get this opportunity.

“I see that you're brave enough to face me alone now,” you hissed coldly, “I remember the last time we faced each other, you had to hide behind security.”

You both were referring to the night of the tournament. It was a clashes between your schools and things started to get rowdy, so security had to personally escort your team to the busses.

Gaia’s team came out right after you and let’s just say you weren’t too happy seeing them hold the trophy… and you went face to face with her and gave her a piece for your mind.

“You were angry that night and it caused you to act violently, I get it.” She stepped forward, getting into your personal space. “The truth hurts.”

“The truth?” You retorted sharply, "Everything in your entire life, including that trophy, has been handed to you on a silver platter."

It's not hard to believe that they flashed a stack of cash to keep their school’s reputation, The Most Undefeated School. And that’s exactly what they did, leaving your team no choice but to accept it and move on.

Gaia's eyes narrowed at your words, and she nodded in denial. "I worked hard for that trophy, Y/N. Don't try to diminish my accomplishments just because you can't handle losing."

Jungkook sighed, seeing that things were getting out of hand, and tried to step between you and Gaia. "Come on, guys, let's not ruin the night. Save the drama for later.”

All he wanted to do was steer the conversation towards a more positive direction, but the tension in the air was palpable and neither of you paid attention to Jungkook.

“The trophy is with me, in my possession, in my school's showcase and it’s never leaving.”

“Never leaving?” You question her confidence. “That’s cute.”

“No.” Her lips form into an O as she empathizes her words slowly. “So stop making excuses and accept the fact that your team got kicked to the bottom where they belong.”

You entered defense mode the second you inched closer, perfectly angling your face with hers. “Keep my team out of your mouth or you will get kicked to the bottom, Gaia.”

Her emerald green eyes bore into yours as her lips curled into a smirk with a slow deliberate movement. “Still the same feisty Y/N I see. You haven’t changed a bit…”

Snapping back you say, “And I don’t plan on it either.”

Jungkook steps forward, in an attempt to divide you apart, until Gaia prevents him from getting any closer with her hand.

Surprisingly, he obeys Gaia without hesitation and stands in place with zipped lips. “Y/N is still in her feelings about her loss. Her empty threats won’t change the fact that I have what she wants.”

“You won’t for long and that’s a promise, Gaia.” You make it known before Jungkook briefly interjects again. This time he takes action and grabs Gaia by the wrist.

“Alright, that’s enough.” He takes action, separating you both by pulling her away. “Now isn’t the time for this.”

You glance at him, realizing that he was more than right. There’s a time and place for this and it isn’t here and you weren’t going to let Gaia and her pointless taunts ruin your night.

As you close your eyes for a split second, you exhale putting yourself back at ease. You reminded yourself that you are here to support and represent your team not to have a catfight with Gaia.

Not now.

“I have better things to do, you know, like find a table for my team to sit.” After she shoots daggers at you, she looks over at Jungkook and smiles. “And I’ll see you around, okay?”

•the switch up is insane

He gives a subtle nod and she pats his shoulder before spinning on her heels leaving you and Jungkook alone.

Your arms remained over your chest as you waited for the sound of her footsteps to fade away.

When she’s gone, your hand instinctively reaches for his tie, gripping it tightly. You drag him along with a swift motion and lead him away from the loud crowd.

He attempted to speak while being dragged and his words tumbled out like a rush. Your grip tightens, intertwining with the silk and you yank his tie even harder.

“Shut up.” You were too determined to let Jungkook slip from your grip. He had his chance to speak and he has said enough. Now it’s your turn to talk and just like you wanted, he didn’t say another word.

The forcefulness of your action silences him and from then, he remained quiet until you found a secluded corner and led him there.

“Why?” Is all you ask before you release his tie, sending him stumbling backward from your vicious hold.

He doesn’t respond to your question, he just blinks and stares at you with bewildered eyes as if you lost your mind.

“Jungkook? Hello?” You waved your hand in his face, demanding an answer. “Why the hell are you here? Here with her?”

He scoffs, readjusting his tie that was ruined by the hands of you. “Why does it matter?” Jungkook’s tone grew defensive.

You roll your eyes in disbelief, “You are here with Gaia Watson, the same person who tarnished our school name all on her Instagram. You do know that, don’t you?”

“Who gives a shit? It happened a year ago. Get over it.” Jungkook stuffed his hands in his pocket, then looked in another direction to avoid your face.

You had to remind him. “She’s our rival, Jungkook. You should be ashamed showing up with her.”

"Gaia is your rival, not mine," he clarified, expressing the irritation in his tone. "Now can you not make this a big deal?”

Big deal? It’s a bit too late for that. You already formed your theories about their relationship and couldn’t help but ask.

“I see you clearly don’t care about our school’s reputation.” You use air quotes. “She isn’t your rival. She’s your girlfriend, my apologies.”

“Woah woah…” He instantly puts his hands up in denial. “Let’s not jump to conclusions. Gaia and I are just good friends. We’ve been good friends for years.”

Your strained chuckle doesn’t reach your eyes. “Good friends.” Jungkook peeped your sarcasm.

Something about that rubbed you the wrong way, but you can't quite put your finger on it.

Quickly noticing your expression, Jungkook makes a muffled noise. It sounded like he was trying to hide a chuckle.

Your eyes shift to his, which were already on you. "Jealousy isn’t a good look on you beasty…”

The expressionless reaction you gave him was so surreal. You couldn't help but feel a little surprised by his foolish question. You weren’t sure what he was trying to imply, but you don't want to give him the pleasure of any reaction.

“What?" You humed confused and his lips began to morph into an amusing grin.

You tried to play it off as if you didn’t hear him, but in reality his words were crystal clear.

Jungkook gave you a knowing look. “Don’t get your balls in a twist. I’m not jealous, I could care less.”

“You could care less, yet you just tried to give me a lecture about it.” He teasingly shoots up his brows, “I’m not quite understanding.”

Jealousy was out of the frame. It was about how careless Jungkook is when it comes to representing our school.

“Yeah you don't quite understand a lot of things, Jungkook.” You roll your eyes. “I’m not jealous, it’s about our school’s image.”

Smirking, Jungkook shakes his head. “School’s image, huh? Whatever you say, beasty.” It was obvious that he could see right through your act. “It’s your job to care about our schools image, not mine”

•There he goes with that stupid nickname again!

“Y/N?” The sound of a clueless man caused both of you to turn your heads in her direction.

It was your best friend, Yoongi.

You smile. “Oh hey Yoongs.”

“Hi Y/N and Jungkook,” he greets you both with a surprised look.

“Hello, Yoongi.” Jungkook nods and returns the greeting.

An awkward moment of silence passes…

He bit the inside of his cheek, unsure if he invaded for a moment. “Did I interrupt something?” Yoongi asks suspiciously, pointing between the both of you with his finger.

“No, you didn’t,” you answer immediately, moving away from Jungkook. “But I’ve been looking for you.” Taking Yoongi’s arm, you led him away from Jungkook into the crowd of people.

He gives you a confused expression, but doesn’t say anything. He glances in the direction Jungkook was in, an eyebrow raised. “What was that all about?”

You sigh and shake your head. “Nothing.” You continue to lead him through the crowd.

Yoongi’s expression remains mostly blank as he listens to your reply. After a moment of silence he finally speaks again, “He was giving you a hard time wasn’t he? You want me to beat his ass?”

“No, it’s okay. I can handle my own.” You let out a small chuckle and Yoongi does along with you. “If anything I was giving him a hard time.”

His expression doesn’t change from his usual stoic self as he asks his question. “And why were you giving him a hard time?”

“Jungkook came here with Gaia,” you inform him, not pleased with the interaction between her earlier.”

“What?” Yoongi’s eyes widen as he hears you, clearly appalled by the information. “Do they have something going on?” He asks, curiosity getting the best of him.

“I don’t know, but he did mention that they were good friends.” You sigh as you think about it. Was it possible that he and Gaia were really that close?

He raises his eyebrows. “Mmm you don’t seem to be happy about them being friends.”

“Really yoongi?” You give him an icy glare.

It took him a minute to notice the stare you were giving him, he glanced at you confused. “Did I say something wrong..?”

•completely all the way fucking wrong

“I am not jealous of Gaia-”

He talks over you mid-sentence, “You’re prettier than her anyway. You have nothing to worry about as far as competition.”

“Again, I am not jealous. Can we just move on and enjoy the event? I don’t want to talk about Gaia any longer.”

Yoongi gives you a look, then rolls his eyes at your denial. He knew that you were stubborn and there was no point of pushing the conversation.

“Alright, no more,” he says with a chuckle.

“Good.” You grab your best friend's hand, then sigh. “The speeches and announcements are about to start soon, so let’s take our seats.”

He smiles, allowing you to take his hand and lead him to your seats with your team. Both of you sat down and waited for the lady with the microphone to get everyone to settle down.

Things were getting serious and your coach was still nowhere to be found. She has never been late before, so this was completely out of character.

“Maybe she got caught in Traffic,” he suggested, trying to reassure you and make you feel better. Yoongi saw the worry in your eyes as you looked around for your coach.

You smile at your best friend when he pats your shoulder, giving you a comforting smile.

Mindy, seated on your other side, offered you a gentle smile before reaching over to grasp your hand, seeking comfort.

“You got this, don’t worry,” you mouthed, giving her reassuring nod. In return she smiles taking in your words.

It was officially time to announce the players that were scouted this season along with the captain speeches.

Everybody was seated at a table with their teams and additional guests. The lady on the microphone announced that it was time to reveal who was getting recruited this season.

The lady had certificates in her hand along with an envelope. When she began to open it, the crowd fell silent as intensity built.

She raises the envelope, her voice filled with anticipation, and announces, "The very first person who will be joining Team Legacy this season, bringing their exceptional skills and dedication to our team, is..."

The entire venue is filled with a tense silence, as all the teams eagerly await for the announcement. The atmosphere is thick with curiosity, as everyone is curious about the identity of the first new addition to Team Legacy this season.

With heads respectfully bowed, the girls sat around the table with their eyes closed and hands clasped tightly together. Everyone was fully aware of the importance of the moment for Mindy. Team Legacy was her dream team.

“….Mindy Bowie!” She finally announced, reading the name aloud from the envelope.

The entire venue explodes with applause as Mindy stands up, a stunned look on her face.

Everyone including you cheer her on, beaming with joy as she starts to make her way towards the stage. She seemed more uplifted than she was earlier when she spoke to you at the bar.

Mindy had that look of confidence she always carried in her face, the confidence you always admired. You clap along with the crowd with a proud smile on your face, knowing that she would absolutely kill it.

Sneaking a glance around the venue, you saw Jungkook sitting with Gaia and her team and he was surprisingly clapping for Mindy too.

His eyes landed on you as briefly made eye contact with each other, then you turned your focus back to the stage.

The lady on the microphone and the coach of team legacy greeted Mindy with a warm hug and a proud smile.

She takes the microphone and takes a deep breath, trying to calm down her overwhelmed excitement. “I can’t put into words how I feel right now, but I will say thank you. Thank you to my amazing team, my coach and my parents for believing in me and fighting for my dreams with me.” Mindy chuckles, still in shock of her dream coming true.

“And as for being recruited, I'm so honored to be joining Team Legacy, and I promise to bring my skills and dedication to the team. I can't wait to start this journey and contribute to the team's success.”

She smiles and holds up her certificate and the venue buzzes with excitement as they clap for her even louder this time.

Once Mindy and other girls finish with their speeches, the audience erupts into applause, cheers, whistles, celebrating the girls once again.

Yoongi can’t hide how much he admires Mindy too. ”I think she’s better at speeches than you. You should learn a thing or two from her.”

You instantly shook your head at the thought of you up there in front of all these people. “Oh me and my social anxiety could never…”

Many girls from other teams were successfully recruited into the teams they had hoped for. The room was filled with joyous celebrations as players hugged their loved ones, their faces beaming with excitement. Friends and family members cheered and took pictures, capturing the memorable moment.

🏐🥊

All the recruitments and speeches were finally done. Mindy was surrounded by the girls hugging her and clapping her on the back.

You finally got the chance to wrap her in a warm heartfelt hug and graduate her personally. “Congratulations. I am extremely proud of you, girl,” you whispered, your voice full of admiration.

Mindy pulls back slightly, her eyes glossy from the tears of joy forming. “Thank you… that really means a lot to me.”

“I’m impressed,” your coach says, amazed.

The unexpected sound of her voice leaves you all momentarily stunned. You turn around to see her standing there, a proud smile lighting up her face.

She chuckles, “Team Legacy? Not bad, senior.”

In an instant, everyone rushes over to her, and hugs her pleased to see her. She returns the love and affection, hugging everyone as much as she can.

“When did you get here?” Mindy asks, still processing the coach's appearance.

“I’ve been here since they started calling people on stage.” She squeezes her arms around all the girls. “I’m sorry for being late, but I couldn’t miss this important moment.”

The group hug separates and all eyes are on your coach as she continues to speak, “I would never ever miss something like this no matter what, okay? And I got stuck in damn traffic and my phone was dead-” Coach takes a moment to breathe and relieve the stressful process it was to get to the venue.

“Again, I apologize for my tardiness. But I am here now and ready to celebrate and congratulate our newest member of team legacy.” Coach nudges Mindy’s arm with a wink on her face.

“Congratulations babe.” She hugs Mindy personally, showing her love. “I am so proud of the player and woman you are becoming. You deserve it.” They both pull away.

“Thanks coach. I couldn’t have done it without you.” Mindy smiles gratefully.

Coach pats Mindy on the back, "No need to thank me, you put in all the hard work. I'm just here to guide you.

Mindy nods, "I know, but your support and encouragement made a huge difference. I'll always be grateful for that."

Coach smiles, "You're welcome. Now, you girls can carry on celebrating. I am going to celebrate with a drink from the bar.”

She walks a few steps ahead of you, her confident stride and broad smile evidence of her pride and happiness. "Mindy and Y/N come keep me company.” she calls out, gesturing for you to follow her.

With no hesitation, you and Mindy follow her towards the dimly lit luxurious bar. The three of you slide onto the plush read leather stools. Your senses are immediately awakened by the mingling scents of alcohol and polished wood.

She orders sparking water for you both and whiskey for her. Shortly, the drinks are placed in front of you and you grab yours.

“Cheers to a fantastic season!” She takes a sip, savoring the moment. Then, she turns her attention to you and Mindy, her expression growing more thoughtful.

“How do you girls feel about this season?” She asks, her eyes curious.

You speak up, “I think the season is going very well and it will continue to do so.”

Mindy nods in agreement, “I’m with Y/N on that. This season has been our very best because we’ve pushed ourselves harder than ever before.” She glances at you and smiles, “I know that you girls will be fine without me.”

Coach sighs, “And that’s exactly what I wanted to talk about with both of you.” She looks at you and Mindy, her expression serious. “Mindy, you just got recruited and that means you’ll be leaving soon. How do you feel about that?”

That was a pretty good question. Mindy was officially recruited to Team Legacy now and like your coach said that means she will be leaving and you'll no longer have her as a captain anymore.

Mindy shifts in her seat, her fingers tracing the edge of her glass. “I’m excited, of course. It’s a great opportunity. But… I’m also worried about leaving the team. It’s been my family for so long.”

Coach nods, her gaze steady. “I understand. It’s a big change for everyone. You’ve been an excellent captain, Mindy. Now it’s time for the next step.”

Mind tries to smile, though there’s a hint of sadness in her eyes. “Thanks… and I know it’s time for the next step. I’m just trying to prepare myself for it.”

Then she turns to you. “And you? How do you feel about Mindy leaving? Think you can step up?”

The question catches you off guard, your eyes widening in surprise. “Me? Step up as captain?” Mindy chuckles when you point to yourself.

You as captain? You wondered how things would be if you had that title. That would be a change, especially for you.

Coach nods and watches you intently as you blink, feeling the weight of her question. “Of course I think I can step up. I’m just shocked that you chose me out of all the girls.”

Her expression softens, a smile spreading across her face. “You’ve shown great leadership this season. I have no doubt you’ll make an excellent captain.”

“Also you had the second most votes for captain,” Mindy adds in before taking a sip of her drink.

You glance at Mindy, who grins at you over the rim of her cup. “Second most votes, huh?” you mutter, trying to wrap your head around the idea. “That’s not bad…”

“Not bad at all,” Coach replies with a wink. “Looks like the team believes in you.”

“Yeah,” you say, a small smile forming on your lips. “I guess they do.”

As you sip your sparkling water, your eyes wander to the back of the venue where Jungkook and Gaia are standing close together, deep in conversation. They’re laughing and leaning in, clearly enjoying each other’s company. The way Gaia lightly touches Jungkook’s arm and the way he smiles at her makes your stomach slightly twist.

You couldn’t tell if it was your hatred for both of them or something else…

You try to focus on the conversation at hand, but your attention keeps drifting back to them. You watch as they walk out, side by side, disappearing through the glass double door.

Jungkook had told you they were good friends, but seeing them together makes you wonder if there’s more to it.

To be Continued....

@coralmusicblaze @hobismoon @tumeperds @binniethegiant @xumyboo @babycandy111 @btspurplesky @bangtans-momma @snkyuv @busanbby-jjk @sublimewitchdreamer @seulrene @seokjingrande @junecat18 @babybella337

[brunnerasposts]

The List

S.H. x Female Reader

Summary: Steve is struggling to comprehend how he feels, so Dustin and Lucas help him make a list

Word Count: 3.6k

Warnings: angst, meanie headed boys, takes place between S3-S4, crushes to ???, minimal use of Y/N

Additional Note: this is the same idea as The One With the List episode from Friends, but with Stranger Things characters

"I don't know what I'm gonna do." Steve panted as he continued to pace back and forth in his living room. "I mean, what am I gonna do?" He turned to Dustin and Lucas, who were trying to watch TV.

"I'm attracted to both Nancy and Y/N and I think they might feel the same. Now, I don't know what to do. This is so frustrating!" Steve groaned, gripping his hair.

"I mean, you have Nancy, who I've been in love with for three years now, and then there's Y/N who entered the picture once we started dealing with the upside down shit. And I..." He leaned against the wall, looking to both boys. "Is it possible to be in love after knowing someone for such a short period of time?"

"Yes." Both boys said, glancing at each other before their attention was drawn back to the movie. Steve nodded a little, remembering that they both had girlfriends. Lucas and Max always had trouble and Dustin had his girlfriend, Suzie, who was recently proven real through musical means.

"She's so different from Nancy, and yet I just want to be with her constantly. But then Nancy has also been there for me through my whole change of King Steve..." He trailed off, knowing he could keep going.

"This is terrible. I'm a terrible person." He groaned, hiding his face in his hands.

"I mean, I know Nancy and I have had our issues, but recently she... I don't know. She's been very flirty now that Jonathan is in California." He sighed, scratching his head.

"But then there's her." He smiled, remembering when you first entered the picture.

It was the middle of the school year, right after the Snow Ball. Steve was just becoming a new version of himself and trying to prove to his fellow students that he was capable of change. So, he was looking through the halls and that's when he saw you.

You were digging through your locker, reaching for something in the back which caused all of your things to fall and spread out on the floor.

Steve instantly went over to help, and you had been friends ever since. How you got involved in the upside down stuff was a different story. But when you found out about all of it, you didn't run and hide. You wanted to help. You wanted to protect Hawkins as well as everyone else in the group. You wanted to protect Steve.

"She was the first person to treat me differently."

"What's going on?" Lucas asked, only half paying attention as his eyes fixated on the cartoons he was watching.

Steve, realizing that he's been talking to a wall, glared at them both. "I'm talking about Y/N and Nancy."

"Oh no! Two women are attracted to Steve Harrington! Shocking." Dustin rolled his eyes, Lucas shaking his head.

Steve stared at them before grabbing the remote. He turned the television off, causing a commotion from both teenage boys. "What am I gonna do?" He asked, now having their full attention.

Lucas sat up.

"Here's an idea. Why don't you make a..uh, uh, a list! Yeah, a list of things you like and don't like about both of them." He suggested, tossing a piece of popcorn into his mouth.

"What like a pros and cons list?" Steve asked, his hands on his hips as he continued his pacing. "Yeah, yeah!" Dustin chimed in.

"Should we be doing this?" Steve asked, moving to go sit on the couch. He wasn't sure why, but something didn't sit right in his stomach with the idea of writing down things he didn't like about both girls. Especially when all he could focus on was the good.

"It might help." Lucas shrugged.

"Y/N versus Nancy: Pros and Cons." He said as Dustin stood, going to find some paper.

"Let's start with the cons!" The teen came barreling back into the room with pieces of paper and a pen. "Those are more fun." He grinned.

Steve rolled his eyes, leaning back into the couch. "Am I writing these down?"

"Nope, let me. Let's start with Y/N." Dustin said as he sat on the floor, using the coffee table as a desk. He looked to his older friend, ready to start writing some cons down.

Steve sighed, eyes moving around the room as he searched for one. "I don't know. She's amazing." He reached for some popcorn. "She's in love with you, so there must be something wrong with her." Lucas teased, ducking as popcorn was thrown at him.

A glare was sent Lucas' way before Steve resettled into the couch. "Well," His mind wandered, "I guess she can be a little ditzy." He chuckled nervously, fidgeting with the strings on his ripped jeans. This felt wrong, but he was desperate to try anything.

"Ditzy. That's good!" Dustin said, scribbling it down. "What else?"

"Um," Steve swallowed, rubbing his palms on his pants. "I guess she can be a little spoiled. But that's also because of me." He smiled, starting to feel better as he continued listing them.

Dustin wrote it down just as Lucas chimed in. "Don't you complain sometimes about how long she takes to get ready?" He asked. Steve thought about it and slowly began to nod. "I mean, I guess. She likes leaving a good impression with people, so she focuses a lot on making sure she looks nice." He shrugged.

"Too into her looks," Dustin spoke slowly as he wrote down each word. Steve winced, sucking air through his teeth. "I don't know if I'd word it like that, Henderson. Maybe like," He thought for a moment, "just say, 'takes a long time getting ready' or something."

Steve watched as Dustin drew a line through the previous bullet point and wrote the new phrase next to it. Dustin then set aside the other papers so he had more room for the one they were working on.

"Oh, her ankles are a little chubby!" He said, receiving a glare from both Lucas and Steve. "What? I thought we were all chiming in." The young teenager frowned but wrote it down anyway, his hat being knocked off his head by Steve. Dustin stared at him with annoyance before going back to the task at hand.

"Give me one more so we can have five total."

Thinking, Steve began to stand up. "I'm not sure. Let me grab a soda really quick. You guys want one?" He asked, both boys nodding.

Steve stood, going over to the kitchen. He looked around, hoping something would give him an idea as he grabbed a can of soda for each of them. He looked to the dining room, china cabinet, and his pool outside.

He never struggled with anything other than having a good relationship with his parents. They were a wealthy household, and it helped Steve turn into an asshole for a while. That is until he got involved with the group of nerds and their older siblings... and you.

"Well, Nancy and I both grew up comfortably, so we have that in common." He said as he reentered the living room. "But Y/N didn't. I mean, she has to work as a waitress to support her family." He frowned, knowing how much you hated your job but always did what you had to for your family. It was something he admired.

"Okay...and done! Now, what about Nancy? What's wrong with her?" Lucas asked. The question sent hundreds of different things he could say, but they all added up to the same point.

"She's not Y/N." He realized. As soon as he said that, everything just clicked. His feelings for Nancy were nowhere near the same as his feelings for you.

His eyes darted to the house phone. Steve then ran over to the phone, startling Dustin, who was in the middle of writing. "Dude, come on! Now it's not even her name!" He groaned but left it be.

"What are you doing?" Lucas asked as Steve dialed the phone number to the Wheeler's. The plan was forming slowly as he held the phone to his ear, letting it ring. "I'm telling Nancy the truth." He took a deep breath. God, he hoped now that she knew how to shoot a gun that she wouldn't use it on him.

"Wheeler's residence, this is Nancy Wheeler."

"Nancy!"

"Steve? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah! Well, for the most part."

"What? Do I need to come over?"

"No! No, uh, I just wanted to talk later."

"Okay... where?"

"Is it cool if I come over?"

"Oh...oh! Sure! Yeah, definitely. Uh, does ten work?"

"Sounds perfect. See you then."

He hung up the phone, looking to both Lucas and Dustin. "Are you actually going to tell her that you guys are done?" Dustin asked. "I mean, we've been done for a while. But the whole flirting thing that's been going on is going to come to an end tonight." Steve felt confident in this and he prayed Nancy would be understanding.

The doorbell rang, and Steve was not paying it much attention as he was precelebrating. Dustin joined in on Steve's celebratory dance, both unaware that Lucas went to answer the door.

Everything felt right in that moment. Steve was going to close up an old passing fling and open doors to someone he was committed to. You.

"Steve?"

Steve's head snapped up as he heard a voice from the doorway. Speak of the devil.

"Sweetheart?" He was met with you staring at him, almost frozen where you stood. Memories of your kiss from last night flooded back in his mind.

The memory was met with butterfly feelings in his stomach. Or was it a gut feeling? He didn't know, and he didn't care. All he cared about was the fact that you were right here in front of him.

"Hi." He spoke breathlessly.

"Hi." You grinned, cheeks rosy as you awkwardly showcased the cookie tin in your hands. "I brought these for your parents." She told him, walking up to him.

"Oh," Steve's smile grew as he saw how delicately the tin was wrapped in a pink ribbon, "Thank you. I'll go put these in the kitchen. Um," He looked around, "Did you want to stay for a little? I wanted to talk to you about something." He fidgeted with the corner of the cookie tin, hoping she'd agree.

"Talk? Am I in trouble?" You joked.

Steve chuckled. "No, no. I just wanted to talk to you about Nancy. I just called her." He grinned.

Your smile faltered, and Steve quickly realized his mistake. "No, no, I plan on talking to her to tell her how I feel."

A groan escaped Dustin, hiding his face in his hands from pure second-hand embarrassment.

You glanced to Dustin, eyes switching between the three of you now as your eyebrows furrowed. "Tell her...?" Your voice quivered as you trailed off.

Steve was too excited to say. He turned into a fumbling mess as he tried to explain himself. But the more he failed to explain, the clearer it was that you were getting the wrong idea.

"He's gonna tell her he's not interested!" Lucas exclaimed impatiently.

Steve sighed in relief, silently thanking Lucas for saving him. Your concerned expression turned into one that held surprise. "Really?" You asked, slightly breathless.

Steve moved to stand in front of you, tucking a loose strand of your hair behind your ear. "It's always been you, sweetheart." He promised, making you gush as you both hugged each other tightly.

"Aww," Dustin and Lucas spoke in unison, giving each other a side hug as they watched the happy pair.

A small creak noise was made as Steve accidentally touched the cookie tin to your back. "Damn it, sorry, let me go put these away." He smiled widely, placing a quick kiss on your cheek before walking into the kitchen.

Steve was on top of the world. Nancy was going to be out of his hair, you'd be at his side, and nothing else could possibly be better.

Especially with a break from all things Upside Down related, Steve could enjoy what it was like to have a real and serious relationship. He'd have his person. His other half. Maybe even his future.

As he set the cookie tin down, he began to hear a commotion from the living room.

"What's that?"

Hearing those words sent Steve's stomach churning. He knew exactly what had been found.

The List.

He scrambled out of the kitchen to see Dustin and Lucas holding the list as you chased them around the coffee table to grab it from them.

"I saw my name! What are you keeping from me?" You ask, getting slightly frustrated.

"Hey, what's going on?" Steve asked nervously, placing his hand on your back so everyone would stop chasing each other. You turn to Jim. "Those two have my name on a piece of paper, and they won't let me see." You said as you looked to him.

From behind you, Dustin and Lucas began pointing at the list in their hands, Steve gulping. "They won't. They won't?" He changed his tone, "Isn't that the...the story you were writing?"

"Yes, yes it is! It's a story... I needed to write for class!" Lucas suddenly exclaims, taking the list from Dustin before sticking it in his pocket.

That made you stop. "A story? Well, let me read it."

"No!" All three boys shout at once, making you look between them with bewilderment.

"Hey, why don't you read it to her?" Dustin asked, Lucas slowly turning to face his friend. Oh, if looks could kill...

Lucas cleared his throat, keeping away from you as he opened the paper. "Uh..it's kinda short." He said as you were led to the couch by Dustin and Steve.

You looked between both guys, Steve giving you an awkward smile before turning to Lucas. The boy shakily opened the paper, staring at the few words on it.

"It was summer..." He started, Steve unsure of how much Lucas was going to be able to come up with at the top of his head. "and it was hot." He glanced at everyone before looking to you. "Y/N was there," both Dustin and Steve nudged you, hoping you believed what was going on.

"A lonely gray couch," His voice hitched, getting higher as the lie continued. "And that's all I have. The End." He smiled widely, holding the paper behind himself.

"That's it?" Dustin spoke a little loudly. "That's all you wrote?" Steve chimed in. "You're the worst writer in the whole world!" He spoke through gritted teeth.

"Alright, alright. This isn't funny anymore. There is something about me on that paper, and I want to see it." You said as you stood and snatched the paper. Steve took it from you, who had the paper taken from him by Dustin.

"No, you don't." Lucas promised.

Steve's attention turned to you, seeing a plan form in your eyes. "You know what, you guys? I don't have time for this behavior. Alright? If you want to be children about it, that's fine." You said as you began to walk past them.

"We're all mature here." You moved away from the couch. "And I do not need... to see it!" You suddenly exclaim as you snatch the piece of paper from Dustin, all three boys yelling out in surprise and chasing you around the house.

You eventually make your way back into the living room as Lucas and Dustin dive for you on the couch, landing on each other. Steve stopped at the arm of the couch, out of breath from the jog.

Now the successor, you smirked and moved to stand several feet away before unfolding the wrinkled page.

Absolute silence.

Steve could hear his heart pounding in his ears as he saw your frustration turn to surprise and then a sudden sadness at what you were reading.

"What is this?" You whisper.

All three boys stood, pushing themselves away from each other.

Steve rubbed his sweaty palms against his jeans, watching as you analyzed the paper in your hands. Lucas and Dustin both fumbled over their words, trying to help cover up for Steve what they could.

"Oh, that's—"

"My mom needed groceries so—"

"No, no, no—"

"It was a—"

"Steve, what is this?" You ask again, angrier this time. That was the cue for both Lucas and Dustin to leave the room and head upstairs. They pat Steve on the back as a sign of good luck before their feet pattered up the flight of stairs.

Steve waited until they were gone before trying to approach you.

"Sweetheart, just... just please remember how crazy I am about you—"

"Ditzy? Spoiled?" You read, hands gripping the paper so tightly. Your voice shook with each word. You gasped softly, looking to him with watery eyes. "Too into her looks?" You ask.

"No, no, that's not true." Steve promised. "That's why it's crossed out." He chuckled nervously, following you as you paced. As you reached the next bulletpoint, you stopped in your tracks and turned to him.

"J-Just a waitress?"

Steve hesitated, unsure of what to say at this point. "Now that was..uh—" He watched as you walked past him, eyes still glued to the paper in your hands. "You know, as opposed to the uh... you know." He cleared his throat, panic setting in fully now. "Is this over now?"

A gasp escaped your lips, making you turn to Steve in full rage. "I do not have chubby ankles!" You growl before storming out of the house.

Shit.

"No, no, sweetheart, wait!" Steve begged as he chased you out of the house. He grabbed your arm gently, turning you to face him. "Look at the other side. Look at Nancy's column!" You flipped the paper, looking at it in confusion. "She's not yum?" She asked in bewilderment.

Steve gulped. "What? No, no, it says—"

"Is that some fancy phrase I don't understand because I'm just a waitress?" You ask, crumbling the paper up in your hands before shoving it right against his chest as hard as you could.

"No, sweetheart, please!" Steve called out as you walked off.

"Maybe we should go." Dustin said as he appeared next to him.

"No, you guys stay. I'm leaving." You promise as you continue walking. Steve couldn't believe how everything flipped so fast since you arrived. One second, he was excited to tell you that he wanted to be with you, and next, he's begging for you to hear him out.

Once you reached your car, Steve knew he had to attempt one last time.

He ran over, shoving his hand against your car door just as you began to open it, so it closed again. "Come on, sweetheart, I know how you feel—"

"No, you don't, Steve!" You snap, startling him. Realizing you had, you took a breath. "Imagine the worst things you think about yourself." You started, lip trembling. "Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you?"

Steve shook his head, reaching out to hold your hands. "No, no, but see, I want to be with you in spite of those things." He promised.

You scoff, removing his hands from yours. Steve flinched, knowing he screwed up. "Oh, well, that's mighty big of you, Steve." You spoke sarcastically before looking over his shoulder.

"I said don't go!" You snap, making Steve turn to see Dustin and Lucas picking up their bikes. They instantly dropped them, awkwardly standing by the garage.

Steve looked back to you, unable to believe this was the argument you were having. Everyone has flaws. He had them, too. Not only that, but he felt like this argument was hypocritical. "You know what?" His voice hitched as it raised.

"You know what? If...If things were the other way around, there was nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you."

"I guess that's the difference between us." You whispered as you moved past him, getting in your car.

You turned the key in the ignition, the car engine roaring to life. "See, I wouldn't have made a list." A tear rolled down your cheek, making you wipe it away.

"Sweetheart, please." Steve whispered, eyebrows furrowing as he held himself in the open part of the door. His eyes watered, his fingers digging into the sleeves of his sweater.

You then shut the car door and began to reverse out of Steve's driveway, driving back home.

Steve let out a deep and aggravated sigh. What was he going to do now? That conversation was heavy, even for him, and he knew they all felt in the wrong for making the list.

How could something go wrong so quickly?

More importantly, you were probably never going to speak to Steve again. Of course, the universe decides the day he's mature enough to figure out his feelings that he has to go ahead and mess it all up.

What was Steve going to do now?

The End.

[mrsvercetti]

Hello Anu ♡´･ᴗ･`♡ , yandere shredder, reaper and japanese fem reader - who is getting married

Yandere!Shredder x Japanese Fem!Reader who is getting married (PART-1)

[PART-2: Yandere!Reaper x Japanese Fem!Reader] - COMING SOON

WARNING(S): MURDER, BLOODSHED, IMPLIED RAPE, ANGST

PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED!!!

A/N: If you see any inaccuracies in the storyline anywhere, please do not get mad. I have only seen season 1 and 2 of the TMNT 2k12 show because those were the only episodes that was shown here on T.V. But, I do know each of the character from the show in depth because I have done my research from wikifandom. Feel free to correct me if you find any mistakes.

You and shredder have known each other for years. You’ve known him when he was known as Oroku Saki and not Shredder.

You were working as a medic for the Hamato Clan. You usually spent time in the med-base, treating injured soldiers and spending time with the senior doctors, learning about new medicinal herbs, etc.

It was quite common for both Yoshi and Saki to come into the med-base for treatment. The senior doctors had made you their personal medic, since they were busy treating the others.

Both Yoshi and Saki quickly became fond of you and considered you as a friend.

You would purposefully talk to Saki more as you started to gain feelings for him. Hoping that if both of you get comfortable with each others company, maybe you both can call it official?

Times with them were happy and fruitful. Sure, there were times were both Yoshi and Saki would bicker back and forth. But at the end they would laugh it off.

But everything changed when Tang Shen fell for Yoshi and for some reason Saki wasn’t too fond of it. Making the relationship between the two men bitter and rocky.

You had no clue why and they both stopped coming by to see you. You wanted answers and you went out to see Saki.

When you arrived to Saki’s room door, you knocked. You heard footsteps coming closer to the door and a very irritated voice of Saki asked “Who’s there?”

“It’s me, (Y/N) . Can you open the door? I need to speak with you.” You asked.

He opened the door and let you in. You let out a big sigh and looked at him, sadly.

“Hey, why don’t you and Yoshi visit me anymore? What happened?” You asked.

“Nothing.” he said, turning back.

“Well, I know that’s not the truth. Tell me what happened! I care about you guys so much that it hurts seeing you both bitter towards each other!”

Saki grunted in annoyance. He turned to you, having a very unpleasant look on his face which made you gulp.

“You want to know why I’m upset?!  I love Tang Shen! But that prick took her away from me!” He exclaimed. His words made a knot inside your throat and you chest started to become heavy.

He loves Tang Shen….. Not you….

Tears formed in the corner of your eyes. “I….but Saki….I… w-wanted to tell you s-s-something….”

“Pfft…I know what you are going to say. You have feelings for me, isn’t that right?”

You gasped.  He knew you liked him and what he just told you made you feel like a total idiot. You couldn’t look up to him anymore. Your eyes were now looking at the floor as your head drooped.

“Why…why didn’t you tell me you knew?” You asked.

“Why should I? I don’t find you attractive. And you are nothing compared to Tang Shen!”

He said the word ‘nothing’ in the most venomous way possible. You felt broken. You started to cry uncontrollably. You are completely defeated in front of him.

“I only talked to you because Yoshi did. I didn’t want him to think that I disliked you. He viewed you like his little sister and if I mistreated you in any way, that’s going to put a strain into our relationship! Since it happened anyways, I don’t have to worry about you anymore. And neither does he because he has Tang Shen to talk to now.” He said.

At this point, all you wanted to do was run away from this place. But your legs couldn’t move. You were stuck there, standing, crying your eyes out.

When he was about to leave, you quickly grabbed him by his arm and pleaded. “Please g-give me a c-chance. I swear, I-I’ll only be yours, forever! I will turn myself in a-a better p-person! Be-better than Tang Shen! Just for you! I promise!…. P-please?”

He grunted in anger. “You? Better than Tang Shen?! How could you even say that?! Worthless whore!” He spat. “Leave this place and never come back!

And that was the last thing he told you. You ran home after he left, packed your bags and disappeared from that place. You didn’t even tell your friends about you leaving. Or even wait for the next day to leave. This place made you feel suffocated.

It’s been 15 years since that incident and you now currently live in NYC. You have met the love of your life, Daisuke while you moved there. And you both decided to get married in Japan.

Your fiancee decided to make the wedding destination a surprise for you. Upon being asked why, he said: “It’s a beautiful traditional wedding darling! In a place full of history!”

You weren’t exactly fond of that idea, but you didn’t want to upset your fiancee by telling you hated it. So, you hoped the best.

When you arrived at your wedding day, it wasn’t as lovely as it would be.

It was a traditional wedding but the way how it was planned was absolutely beautiful. But the place where it was being held in made everything ugly. You had no heart to cancel this wedding and break your fiancee’s heart. It was near the place were you, Saki and Yoshi would spend time together.

You forced yourself to smile in front of the people and pretend to be happy.

You felt disgusting despite wearing one of the most prettiest dresses. Oroku Saki’s harsh words were being recited in your head.

Both you and Daisuke walked towards the Shinto Shrine. After the ritual of purification comes the exchange of vows, then the exchange of sake from the bride and groom.

You both have only just started exchanging vows when something exploded outside Which caught the attention of everyone.

Right as you turned around, a group of black clothed ninjas stormed in with a katana in each one of their hands and started to vandalize the entire area.

People tried to run for their lives, but most of them were slaughtered right in front of you both. Making you and him traumatized.

You cried and collapsed onto the floor and Daisuke tried to cover you from any attacks and to prevent you from seeing the scene in front of you anymore.

He was then quickly ripped away from you. When you look up, you saw a tall man covered in metal Armour, staring down at you menacingly. Holding Daisuke by his collar in a tight grip.

“LET HIM GO!” You screamed. You tried tried to get up but the man in front of you quickly knocked you back down.

“You think you can marry someone after what has happened to you in the past?” He questioned. Daisuke struggled under his grip and tried to pull himself away.

“You think you can forget about everything that has happened?” He said as he lifted Daisuke up by his neck.

Your eyes went wide when Daisuke was being choked. You felt helpless. You felt stupid.

“Then in that case….You don’t deserve him!” He spat as his blade stabbed through Daisuke, instantly killing him.

He quickly threw Daisuke’s body onto the pile of dead bodies behind him and stared down at you.

The room was filled with the noises of you crying and the man knelt down, lifting your chin up with his thumb

“You promised me you were going to be mine forever….right?”

You looked at him, not understanding what he was saying. He rubbed his thumb across you tear stained cheek.

“Dumb girl. Always getting yourself in terrible situations….” He said.

You breath hitched. “W-who are y-you?” You asked, voice weak.

He chuckled. He took off his helmet and showed you his disfigured face. “Oroku Saki”.

You gasped at his response and was mortified on how he looked now. Your lips quivered in anger and all you wanted to do is to use up all of your strength and try to kill him. If he ends up killing you, that’s fine. You wanted to be with Daisuke. But you sat there, completely weak and shaking from all that has happened now.

“Or, some call me ‘The Shredder’.” He said.

“What do you want?” you asked, coldly. He chuckled.

“You.”

His reply threw you off. Why does he want you? He told you before he hated you.

“You said---”     ,    “I hated you, yes. But now, look at you. You are everything I could ask for!” He replied. “I saw you at New York and….I felt like I was blessed by the gods despite what I had done. You were so beautiful and gracious! You… you finally made me feel how is it to love someone again. But when I saw you with him, I knew I had to take him out. You always should’ve been by my side. And you promised me before that you were mine…”

“YOU REJECTED ME AND ASKED ME TO LEAVE! BESIDES, THAT PROMISE WOULD ONLY BE A PROMISE IF YOU GAVE ME A CHANCE. BUT YOU DIDN’T!” You shouted. “AND NOW YOU BECAME SO OBLIVIOUS THAT YOU THOUGHT I ACTUALLY MEANT IT EVEN AFTER YOU REJECTED ME?! IF I DID, WHY WOULD I BE ENGAGED TO HIM?” you questioned.

“You should think before you say anything. You said you would be mine forever and I will take it into consideration even if you move past it. I don’t let go of people who have offered themselves to me who is of great value.” He said. He looked back and motioned one of his foot ninjas forward. The foot ninja knelt beside you and covered you nose with a white cloth that had chloroform on it. You passed out immediately and Shredder lifted you up carefully, as if you were made out of a delicate flower.

While he walked outside of the shrine, he whispered into your ear.

        “I have waited for someone to be the mother of my heir. I’m glad that it’s you…my little lamb”

[deathmetalunicorn1]

I don't see much fanfic about hermes. He's also one of my favorites, so it's just sad. So Im here and can I request hermes x goddess reader. They are both messenger gods but the reader is part of another pantheon. Hermes fell in love with her after he saw her and soon they became lovers. And also can you make NSFW of them. Thank you love you🥰🥰

NSFW- Minors DNI

-Hermes remembers the day he first saw you with fond memories, you were so beautiful, delivering letters from your own pantheon to his.

-Your snow-white fluffy wings still looked so beautiful, even after all this time, as well as your bright E/C eyes and flowing H/C hair, you only seemed to grow more radiant by the day, and with each one that passed, Hermes fell more and more in love with you.

-He approached you the moment after you dropped off the letters to Aphrodite and asked you out. The goddess of love enjoyed the boldness of the normally mild-mannered Hermes, but you shy reaction was definitely her favorite, you were so cute!

-You agreed and you had to admit, compared to other partners you had in the past, none made you ever feel like how Hermes did, he treated you so gently, like you were a glass rose, but also knew that you weren’t to be underestimated, easily handling your own big brother, a god of war, after he tried to tease you for having a boyfriend.

-It wasn’t even a year since you became lovers when you moved in with Hermes, traveling back and forth between your own pantheon each day, but your leader god, your mother, approved and you always had a home to return to.

-After years of being together, you and Hermes discussed spicing things up in the bedroom, to make things more exciting, and you’ve made it your personal mission to push him as far as you can!!

-Despite being so gentlemanly and delicate with you, if you got him riled up, the sex was mind blowing, literally. However, that’s what made it fun for you, trying to find new ways to get him riled up, turning it into a game and Hermes is more than happy to play along with your game, as the rewards are worth it.

-You saw Hermes from above, as you had just left Hera’s office, delivering letters to her and you called out to him. He looked up and around for you, smiling as he saw you before his eyes went wide and mouth dropped open.

-You were holding the skirt of your dress up just a bit, showing him that you weren’t wearing anything underneath, and you were flying high above everyone and as it was the afternoon, you had been like that all day!!

-You took off like a dart before he could say anything, a playful grin on your face, your heart racing, you felt so naughty but so liberated at the same time!

-You flew into the open bedroom window of your shared home, closing it behind you and only had to wait moments before the front door slammed open, “Y/N!!!!” his roar made you arch your back lightly as you leapt onto the bed, hearing his footsteps stomping down the hallway.

-He was red faced as he burst into the bedroom, looking aroused and furious at the same time, seeing you already on the bed, skirts bunched at your hips as you were digging your fingers into your sopping hole already, a whine leaving you.

-Moments later your hands were bound above your head, tied to the headboard and his tie was around your eyes, soft mewls of  pleasure leaving you as his clothed cock grinded against your core, his lips sucking mark after mark into your chest and neck, teeth pulling at your nipples lightly.

-You threw your head back, another cry leaving you as his hand slapped against your thigh again, “What a filthy slut I have, not wearing any underwear and flying round where anyone could see! Maybe I should make you do your deliveries in the nude, since you want to be such a whore!”

-His degrading comments did nothing but make you more excited, hands gripping at the headboard, moaning out his name, wanting more.

-His hips pulled away from your own and you bit your lip, trying to muffle the whine in your throat, but he was still there, holding your legs apart and your whole body jolted at the first spank he landed to your bare pussy, followed by another.

-Your tongue was hanging out your mouth as you felt your eyes crossing, the pleasure and pain mixing so perfectly as you tried to beg him for more, but were unable to string words together, making him laugh softly.

-His lips pressed softly against your cheek, his breath warming your face, “Oh you like that~ don’t you my pretty little girl- my pretty little angel. But you’re not an angel are you- you’re nothing but a whore, my pretty little whore!”

-You moaned out before crying out sharply as he delivered another three spanks to your pussy, one right after another, your arousal splattering against his hand.

-He quickly pulled back and finished disrobing before rejoining you, rubbing the tip of his cock against you, getting it nice and wet, tapping it against your clit making you throw your head back, a plea on your lips, “Please-please I want- I want- please!”

-His hand wrapped around your neck, putting just a bit of pressure, making you gasp as he slowly entered you, you felt so lightheaded, you never felt so delicious before!

-He pulled back to torture you slowly, wanting to drag out your punishment but as soon as he slammed back in you let out a sharp squeal, immediately cumming around him.

-He froze, before closing his eyes, enjoying the feeling of your walls clenching around him, before he inhaled and grabbed your legs, putting his hands on the back of your knees and put you into a mating press and began to ravage you, ignoring your sharp squeals and begs to stop, as you were still cumming.

-Hermes licked his lip, reaching down to pull the blindfold up to see you tear filled but blissed out eyes as he went harder and harder, wanting to make you cum again as quickly as possible.

-Hermes slapped the back of your thighs as he reached his own peak and you keened, back arching as you came again, your vision going blurry for a moment as he came deep within you, twitching, relishing your soft whimpers.

-After untying you and helping you clean up, Hermes hugged you close, your head on his chest and you smiled up at him, mischief in your eyes, “What should I try next?” he chuckled, feeling too tired to scold you, pressing a kiss to your temple, “Behave, Y/N.” you grinned up at him before cuddling closer, feeling content.

[findafight]

I find Nancy and her relationships so interesting because I feel like the show makes everything way too simply mostly in favor for Nancy. Like the narrative automatically sides with her every time.

In s2, Jonathan shouldn't have encouraged her like that when she wanted to expose the lab. In s1, Jancy was on the same page, Jonathan wanted to find his brother, Nancy, her best friend, so they were working towards the same goal. In s2, Jon didn't have the desire to expose the lab. It's Nancy who is trapped in her guilt that turned into revenge that wanted to do something. Jon had positive experiences with the new lab and realistically wouldn't want to risk putting his mom and brother, who go there weekly, in danger. Especially after witnessing the whole problem, the gate and the vines spreading, he should have put a stop to it. Both didn't know about El being alive. The lab literally was the only thing that stood between the demise of Hawkins. They were the only people searching for a cure. Automatically, Jon should have pushed back bc Nancy wasn't thinking straight bc she was too wrapped up in her shit. Jonathan helping her accept Barb's death in a different way would have been more powerful and helpful bc Nancy still struggles with it after everything. Plus, I'm a believer that the lab would have searched her bag before, knowing she had plans to expose them.

I feel like when Nancy is in a relationship or even with friends, people always have to say yes to her with no pushback. If you push back, she just moves onto someone who will say yes. Robin was her yes man in s4 Jon in s2. In s3, he pushed back the slightest, and you see the conflict that came from it (financial struggles) was never truly resolved from Nancy's part. It carried over to s4 where Jon is afraid to tell her truth that he can't afford to go to college with her. Now, the show treats Jonathan as the villain for this without asking what caused him to lie to Nancy in the first place. It's also because the narrative lets Nancy be right. I think Steve was the only person in s4 who was a bit apprehensive with the plan, and yet this is treated as something bad, or he doesn't know what he is talking about. Or within the fandom people use his different opinion as proof he doesn't get Nancy, and look at Robin who just goes along and understands she's the best suited partner for her.

I feel like Nancy doesn't grow much personally throughout the series because she never gets truly challenged. And if she does, it's resolved in a way to her favor. Like, I think she needs someone who isn't a doormat who challenges her in a way that makes her realize she has to change her behavior in certain situations. I will forever mourn the plot s4 could have gotten if they made Robin into the person who would challenge Nancy. Both girls are smart. If Robin was the driving force in the investigation god, that would already set Nancy off.

oh yeah, the show sort of hands Nancy relationships on a silver platter and we never see her actually put in effort towards them? and this prohibits Nancy from growing more than she could! It doesn't let Nancy be wrong let alone admit she's wrong. We see Mike apologize to Will, and Steve apologize to Dustin, we see Robin and Steve have back and forth and Steve trying to get robin a gf, and we see El and Max spend time together talking and getting to know each other. we see them interacting in a way that we see there is a push and pull.

But we see Nancy and Jonathan fall into bed together, Jonathan supporting Nancy's (ill-advised, even if the show won't admit it because that would mean saying Steve was right) plan to expose the lab. I think your point about Jonathan not having a reason to do that is super interesting because you're right! we know the lab is sketchy as hell, but to Jonathan they're the reason Will went missing, but also the reason they got him back. Will's been getting treatment or tests done there for nearly a year by that point, and while Jon may be distrustful of the Lab, wanting to take away the only official support his family has for what they went through doesn't make sense. What were they expecting to happen to the MASSIVE ALTERNATE DIMENSION GATE if the lab shut down? (why did owens show them lmao. why weren't they searched?) it makes no sense and just reinforces the idea that Steve had a point. I think if they had been able to have the library conversation not in public, then maybe he could have worked something out to help Nancy but alas. They didn't and people just point ot it as Steve dismissing Nancy and pretending everything is fine (when Nancy was also doing that!!)

When Jonathan does resist Nancy's idea (which isn't even UD related she just wanted to prove herself to misogynistic jerks) because financially his family needs him to have a job, and him having a job working in a field he likes and enjoys is a best case for him to get better work out of hawkinis/into uni, and honestly Jon had a sweet gig because he didn't mind the work, it was good job experience, and it would look good on a college application.

While Nancy is right that they shouldn't treat her with mockery, I can't help but think it's...incredibly naive of her? She was an intern. She wasn't going to get anything other than interviewing people for fluff pieces if she got anything other than typing/gofering to begin with. It's frustrating because living in a sexist world you do have to pick your battles. She has no power there, because she's an intern and replaceable and a teenager. It's just not realistic to me that she would think she would get anywhere or get away with trying to follow the rabies rat lead. (which is also...a boring story like oooh rat rabies? in a town where whole fields of pumpkins rotted on the vine? Very much an excuse to inset Jonathan and Nancy into the plot [season 3 is a mess and the best thing from it is robin and scoops troop which tbh makes up for it imo]) Like she could be mad and frustrated and insulted and humiliated, let her rant about that!! about her powerlessness! That's interesting and heartbreaking because there really isn't anything to do but quit then. but idk what she thought she was going into in a male dominated field in her podunk town. Not blaming her just think that writing decision should have been thought through more.

Her fight with Jonathan actually kinda made me think jancy was interesting for a second because yes!! those are real conflicting issues and priorities!! That's relationship conflict that's real and natural for the characters to have! and misunderstanding!! and then Nancy's mom (ew) gives her a speech when it's like bro. you're owed an apology but you also owe Jonathan one if you want to repair and strengthen your relationship. So she never apologizes and jon gives a half-assed apology and then they never have to talk about it again because the UD is here and that's more important!! It's another place where Nancy's development stalled and it's frustrating because it also makes Jonathan more of a doormat (sorry Jon you've been done so dirty)

their s4 conflict is so stupid to me. It goes both ways like damn Nancy if you missed your boyfriend whose family is notoriously broke maybe you should go visit him? or talk to him? It's an issue for both of them (I think it's really weird that people bring up steve's RV dream and wanting Nancy beside him to shit on Stancy but barely bring up the fact that Jonathan [admittedly in a catastrophizing spiral, but one might also think Steve, having been half eaten and going into a situation that could kill him, was also not in his most steady of mind] assumed Nancy would drop everything to be with him in California (after saying she's incredibly ambitious) and they'd have kids etc? idk it's just that both mentioned kids but only Steve mentioned his own experience with taking care of kids, wheras Jon is using that as part of his excuse for lying to her...) Jonathan lying is obviously a problem. He's "slow-mo breaking up with Nancy" and that's an issue he's got, but we only see Nancy stressed about it but also not...really do anything about it? idk we don't get to see her fight for her relationship with a boy she supposedly loves! Why not? Why can't we see Nancy's stubbornness and pride and ambition turned in the direction of saving her relationship with Jonathan? Instead of him just coming back to Hawkins and them still being a bit awkward around each other, him lying, her having been flirting with Steve for a week. Like. Why didn't we see her pull him aside and go "okay I love you. We're obviously having issues and it's absolutely not the best time but I can't take not talking to you and feeling like we're drifting!"

With the whole plan at the end of s4...yeah. The narrative/show can't let Nancy be wrong and/or Steve be right. It also needed a plan that would fail. So we get Steve pushing against the plan, treated like he's being irrational for it, and then it failing. As for Nancy needing to be challenged...I mean yeah? but also I think a key part of what she wants from romo relationships is to not be challenged! She doesn't like when her boyfriends push back against her ideas/plans, and ignores them anyways. Which is why it's so frustrating that there have been opportunities for the writers to let Nancy be wrong and learn and grow and they just...don't. They validate her decisions even if they make no sense.

And the thing is...Robin is Thee driving force in their investigation. she gets it right again and again and is the reason the connection to music is even made, But for some reason I feel like the show treats it as another Nancy Investigation Success instead of Nancy being the one that was just kinda there and also a bit mean to robin for no reason other than jealousy. The opportunity for Robin to be a challenge to Nancy's authority was there! It was there and all they would've had to do was have Robin not suck up to Nancy, have the show/narrative acknowledge it was Robin who was the reason the got any information beyond the name Victor Creel, and have Nancy realize that she isn't infallible and right all the time. It would have been so good to see her take stock and reconsider herself and her decisions and her relationships and want to make a friendship with Robin, who wouldn't be co-operative.

[neverchecking]

More random thoughts .3.

So, our three good bois… they have all been through a lot in their respective lives.

Cal moved away from his family to serve as a knight to a princess who doesn’t even know how to achieve her full potential yet… and he’s supposed to care, then it all gets ruined in the end anyways… and DIES!

Wild, gone through all of that… awaken 100 YEARS LATER! All of his friends and family are long gone and he’s told to protect and save the princess AGAIN! Mind you the SAME ONE who couldn’t even save him in the end, but somehow saved herself. Yes technically Zelda was able to have others take Wild to the shrine but that doesn’t make it any better. But he tries to get everything back to the way it was and have some peace.. but then…. Of course… she had to explore underneath the castle… SHE JUST HAD TOO!

Sage, with everything that happened. Everything thing that had happened…. Including damn near losing an arm and being corrupted…. It all make sense now. Sage has EVERY RIGHT to be as feral as he is. The rage… the RAGE!! Lost his family, friends, position, his status, his sanity…. And it was all for a princess… WHOES KINGDOM BARELY EXISTS!!! AND SHE TOOK HIS HOUSE! But you want to know what I think? As much as I can see the rage, the anger, and the hate that Sage has kept inside for so long… he honestly just wants to break… he wants to just cry all of the tears that he had kept looked up for so long, hell if you think about it… who’s not to say that Sage hasn’t thought about canceling his subscription from his existence??

I finally understand why he’s so attached to the Reader, not only do they see him as an actual person with feelings, they don’t judge him for it. They understand just how much this poor cupcake has went through… and all Sage wants is to hold them and cry, cry until his voice is long gone from existence, but he still has too many tears to spare, he’ll just hold on to Reader and cry for days, weeks if he could… and Reader knows that Sage needed this, he needed to know that he is loved and it’s ok to be sad… and they’ll hold him for eternity if they have to.

The triplets are so fun to spitball with.

Cal feels so trapped by his duty, especially with Fauna treating him the way she does. So when he's given the opportunity to have someone who isn't oppressing him, but instead steps back and lets him flourish? It absolutely strings something between the two of them. Something heavy and unbreaking because he can't go back to the way he was before. He'd go insane.

Wild is almost the exact opposite. He's so sporadic and unpredictable that he's so thankful to have someone to ground him at long last. Even with Flora breathing down his back, all about rebuilding this and redoing that (Even redoing the very things that killed him and the champions in the first place), he can get through it all with you beside him, acting as an anchor.

Now, Sage. I love the ideas you brought because we have to look at his character as a whole. He went through the militant training that Cal did, lost his life and his friends, woke up over a century late like Wild, was just as lost and manic as he was. But he had managed to pick himself up. Had managed to settle himself long enough to deal with the initial threat before attempting to give himself for room to fully quell himself. But then he wasn't given that time. Instead forced back on the front line, now tainted by this Gloom, and dragged back to the bottom of the barrel, sans a whole arm (While he had Rauru's, it wasn't the same). That and the bitch took his house. That would absolutely destroy any sane person, let alone someone like Sage who is so broken.

Small TW: Talk of unalive-ing!

The idea that Sage has in fact thought of that route is something I've been toying with back and forth. He is such a broken man. He's tired and destroyed in every way. Mentally, emotionally, now physically? He had nothing. People don't care for him, they forget he exists without Natura parading him about. He can't even go to Hateno, they all plainly favor her over him; after all they just let her take his house. And worse of all? He's sick. He's infected with this Gloom, which tears him to shreds and hurts. It clenches his heart and constricts his lungs to the point where he's too delirious with pain to tell up from down sometimes.

There were probably times he debated just...giving up? Why be a pawn for Hylia to use? Why go through this torture and this pain over and over and over again? There was so much more to do since his first (Second?) adventure and just thinking about it is exhausting.

But when he meets Reader?

When someone cradles his shattered parts with any form of genuine care? Who lets him cry without holding it over him? Who doesn't think twice about shielding his vulnerable parts from the outside world?

He has a reason to live now. To fight and survive. Not just survive, but thrive. Because he's not living for himself anymore. He's living for his Goddess. He's buying a house on the outskirts of Tarrey Town, he's hunting those shrines down for the light inside. He's learning how to use this new arm to his advantage. He's honing his senses and perfecting the techniques that helped him survive the first time. Foraging, hunting, fishing? All of it? He excels to impress you. He is clawing out of the hole he was dropped in and fucking prospering.

And he'd make damn sure he'd continue to do so. Just to keep his Goddess in his grasp.

I just wanna hold Sage while he cries ;-;, like lemme brush your hair and cradle your cheeks, with a little smooch to your perfect cheeks.

[cosmic-crybaby]

Blue Skies - Tommy Shelby

Chapter 12: ‘Wrapped In Cellophane’

Warnings In This Chapter: Nothing besides Esme making y/n cry again lol. 

Masterlist: 

---

Weeks had passed and you continued to stay with Thomas. 

The frequent commute back and forth between Arrow House and your home in Sutton Coldfield was getting tedious, especially with the baby growing more, and your fatigue never ceasing. You had realized that your own home was falling vacant due to the fact that you rarely left the mansion. He gave you the decision to move in with him fully. It was obviously spacious enough for the three of you, and you, as well as the children, were cared for by the maids when Thomas was busy. It was everything and more than what you had wished for. And yet something was still holding you back. 

You knew Thomas honored you and your growing family. He really wanted to protect that. He would do whatever he could to protect you, even following your wishes by keeping his business ordeals away from the home. He went a step further and insisted that he kept all work and family business meetings away from the home, even running background checks on all of his workers. Just to ensure that you were safe with him. You greatly appreciated his efforts, but part of you hoped the blame wouldn’t be put on you if things took a turn. 

Elizabeth and Henry began to warm up to the new father-figure in their lives. Their skepticism slowly faded the more Thomas was around. He was kind with them, gifted them toys and nice things, spending as much time with them as he could whenever they were around. You acknowledged that he treated them like they were his own, it made you admire him even more.  

It took a while for you to get used to the maids doing your usual routine. From getting your kids up out of bed, getting them dress and fed before school, it gave you some extra time in bed with Thomas before you had to get yourself up and ready to go to work. The company car drove you to the bakery and back home after the long days. Even in between the busy week days, when your children were in London, you cherished your private intimate moments with Thomas. Everything seemed to get easier for you, even when your bump started to show. Your regulars at the bakery would congratulate you, after admitting that they had never noticed before. 

With Elizabeth's birthday coming up soon, you wanted to make it special. You always made her a cake each year, and each year you made sure to surprise her with one thing she needed and one or two things she absolutely begged for, depending how good the bake sales were that year. This year was no different and you wanted to spoil her for once, making sure your children had memorable birthdays. Taking matters into your own hands you decided to make her another cake this year but make it something she favored but you rarely ever made. Strawberry ice-box cake. It was an easy recipe but the lack of time and well, a decent ice-box, made it difficult for you to fulfill her wishes. But, now that you were with Thomas you decided to use up your resources to your advantage for your own personal gain. Making your daughter happy on her special day. You had asked Thomas to at least participate.

“Why don’t you help out, darling? She would absolutely love it if she found out you helped,” You had begged him. Holding his hands in yours as you gave him a hopeful smile.

“I don’t bake…” He told you, rolling his neck a bit as he held the unlit cigarette between his lips. 

“Oh please? I’ll be there to guide you, you can be my sous chef,” You joked a bit. He chuckled, only to glance at the counter with the equipment and ingredients laid out for you. He had agreed reluctantly. ‘If it makes her happy’ he told you.

Needless to say, the kitchen wasn’t an entire mess by the time you put the biscuits in the oven to bake. Once they were set to cool you began to make the cream frosting as Thomas helped by cutting the strawberries. You couldn’t help but glance at him, the way he rolled his sleeves up and the way he worked the knife quickly to slice the strawberries, you licked your lips and looked away before he could catch you. 

Once he was done, he stood behind you, a hand on your waist as he observed you put the layers together. He wondered how you could make a simple cake recipe look so elegant and pristine. After you are finished piping on the décor with the icing you set it in the icebox to sit overnight. Thomas held you against the cold counter, kissing you passionately. You briefly pulled yourself away from him, giggling as you scoop a small amount of the frosting from the bowl on your finger and silently motion for him, instructing him to try some. The loving look in his eyes as he tried some. You placed your finger between your lips to lick up the remaining sweet and fluffy frosting.

“Thank you for helping,” You told him quietly as you placed your arms on his shoulders.  Even though he helped as much as he could, since you practically took over the project as he watched in amazement at your talent. Needless to say, Elizabeth's birthday was a success and she was more than happy to hear that Thomas helped.

After spending the week with your family and working, you decided to sit down and enjoy some tea with Esme. After she had gotten married to John, she was so busy taking care of the betting shop and watching over the heaps of kids he had from his late wife.

The two of you sat in the dining room of her new home that she shared with John. With John and Tommy being away for work, and the children were running and playing in the yard. You were glad you finally got around to some quality time with your closest friend. She poured you some tea and set the sugar, honey, and milk in front of you. Thanking her as you dipped some honey into the cup, stirring it with a spoon.

“So, how have you been since you’ve been married?” You asked, cheekily. Excited to hear all of the news. She takes a generous sip of her tea before answering.

“Oh it’s been great, ya know?...Working with John and the family it’s just great...but,” She paused.

“What is it?” You asked.

“It’s nothing, it's just Tommy…he’s,” She stopped herself again. “I- nevermind, I’m sorry,” She abruptly stopped herself. You snicker.

“You’re apologizing now? Has becoming a Shelby really tamed you?” You joked. She scoffs and rolls her eyes. “Nonetheless, I understand…how are you with the kids?” You then asked, changing the subject. She groaned a bit.

“Little shits hardly listen to me, let alone their own father…but, they’re sweet kids,” She said, looking out the window with a soft smile on her lips. You hummed, just happy to see your friend happy and content with her new life.

“I don’t want to pry, but have you made a decision yet?” She asked after a moment of comfortable silence. 

Her burning question made you shift uncomfortably, but your smile never faltered.

“Yeah…I think I have,” She moved a piece of her wavy brown hair out of her face.

“Really?” Her eyes widened, just the slightest. But, it was noticeable enough for you to take note of her expression. But you just hummed as a response and nodded your head.

“I think I want to keep it,” You shrug as you hold your hands over your stomach.

“(Y/n), Love are you sure?” She asked, ultimately unsure of you and your decision.

“I could wait but-”

“No, (y/n) I mean are you sure…one hundred percent sure you want this?” She asked you. You place your hands on the table as you take another sip of your tea. She urgently reaches to place her hand over yours.

“Is there a problem, Esme?” You asked, trying to read her.

“I’m simply reminding you that there is still time,” She had an unreadable expression on her face, but overall worried for you.

“Esme,” You retracted your hand from her, quite perplexed and a little offended. “I am going to have this baby,” You told her sternly. She exhaled, leaning back in her chair and drinking her tea. Her worried expression dropped to one of displeasure. You noticed the smudged mascara around her eyes, the sweat upon her forehead, and the look as if she was aching for something. Craving something.

But, you could also tell there was something she wasn’t telling you.

Why wasn’t she telling you?

“I don’t understand Esme…Is it something to do with Thomas?” You asked, pushing your tea to the side as it had gotten too cold for your liking.

She shook her head bitterly.

“This whole situation is fuckin’ crazy…how can you stake your life on someone, a man, you hardly know?”

“Esme, come off it,” You take your head at her. “You’re not a judgmental person, I know you…why are you saying all this?” Your words show the hurt you felt from her reaction.

“I swear I am not judging you, I…I’m warning you,”

It was like the whole world around you changed. The clouds hid the sun as the tone of conversation became serious. You felt the baby kicking at your sudden increase in heart rate.

“You don’t know Tommy or know anything about him…he is an emotional fuckin’ time bomb and it’s too soon for you to tell,”

“I don’t understand the sudden negativity…you can’t sit here and judge me for my relationship when you married his brother, another man you hardly know might I add…You hadn’t even seen him until your wedding day so do not sit here and act like a sanctimonious and jealous woman,”  You sternly stated.

“I am not jealous,” She spat.

“I finally find someone who makes me happy and you decided to just…shit all over it-”

“Don’t you dare,” She stopped you, pointing a finger at you. “I am not trying to take that away from you, and yeah so what if I didn’t know John before we got married...We got married for a pact, I just want you to open your fucking eyes,”

You take deep breaths to calm your beating heart. After your silence she continues.

“Have you ever considered what this would do to your kids if it doesn't work out?”

“I am doing this for my kids!” You shouted. “I want my children to see me in a healthy relationship for once because we both know my marriage with Alfie went to shit, I am allowed to do this for me too,” Your chest began to grow hot with anger.

“Be honest with yourself, you fuckin’ love him, you’re in love with Tommy fucking Shelby! You’re not doing this for them, you’re making a decision that will change the rest of their lives based on someone you don’t know! You’re selfish, reckless and naïve!”

Her words struck a nerve.

“Firstly, you don’t get to tell me how to parent my children, and secondly don’t you call me selfish, reckless, and naïve when all you do is sit around and sniff up every supply of snow the Shelby’s own and boss John around about how much you hate his family…”

You bit your cheek, you didn’t mean to make it known that Thomas and John tell you close to everything when it comes to Esme. She looked at you with disgust.

“How dare you,”

You didn’t say much more before you stood up and grab your coat and purse.

“Don’t come cryin’ to me when you see how he really is!” She shouted as you slammed the door shut behind you. The breeze outside blew your hair out of your face as the cool air nipped at your cheeks and nose. The crisp air was calming you in a way. You had taken a deep breath to calm your nerves before approaching the company car that drove you around wherever you needed to go. Once back in the mansion, you noticed how empty it felt. You were thankful that your children nor Thomas would have to see you like this.

“Please do not tell Thomas that I am like this, Francis,” You begged as you wiped the tears from your red cheeks.

“Of course Ms. (L/n),” The elderly woman nodded kindly as she guided you to the stairs.

“What would you like me to tell him?” She asked quietly.

You had paused as you used your hand to grip the railing.

“Tell him not to worry, just unwell…due to the baby,” You said before climbing up the rest of the way to your bedroom. Closing the door behind you as you took a moment to sit down on your side of the bed. Your head turned down as you stared into your lap.

The conversation you had just dawned on you. The things you had said to your closest friend were out of character and hurtful. But you weren’t the only one at fault and you knew that. It deeply upset you how defensive you had gotten at the words she spoke to you. You wipe your tears away and sniffle as your stomach churns. With one last deep breath you held your head high and calmed the muscles in your face. It looked like you hadn’t even cried.

‘ Don’t come cryin’ to me when you see how he really is! ’ Her words shouted at you. Staring in the vanity mirror as you fixed the runny mascara under your eyes.

“I won’t”

---

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[hopefulatrocity]

From The Ashes- Chapter 10

Note: Sorry for the wait. This is probably the longest chapter I've written so far. And the next chapter is a bit bigger. More Daryl, Kismet, and Pheonyx interactions. Thank you to @garlic-the-gnome and @loganlostitall for reading my drafts and giving me advice and corrections. I'm super grateful for it. Also, don't be like Daryl. If you think someone is trans and want to ask, don't. If you have to, ask their pronouns. If a trans person wants to reveal themself as trans to you, they will. By asking, you're putting them in a shitty spot. Not only does it imply they don't pass if you have to ask, but some people just don't want to talk about it. Daryl isn't verse in this stuff though. Pheonyx can forgive him for that.

Banners by: @liminal-creations

Dividers by: @firefly-graphics & @omiyours

Chapter CW/TW: talk of drug-addict/abusive/neglectful parents, shitty childhoods in general, denial of sexuality, anxiety, PTSD, hate crime mentions

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The damn mutt wasn’t as stupid as he looked earlier. As soon as Pheonyx had him sniff Sophia’s shirt and gave him the command, the dog shot off after the little girl’s trail. Originally, Daryl had been skeptical of the pup’s skill. The only word that he could think of to describe Kismet was goofy. His muscled body was all limbs and he crashed through the underbrush and bushes with no regard for noise or tact. It was hard to believe that this dog would be trained to do more than drool and sniff his own butt. The hunting dogs that lived in his trailer park growing up were more refined. They could be noisy, especially once they treed a coon or squirrel, but when they were working in the woods, they were damn near soundless. Still dubious about the dog, he had stopped them a few hundred yards behind  the area where he and Rick had first started tracking Sophia. He wanted to see if Kismet would follow the same path they had when she first got lost. And he did. The dog held his nose to the ground and started following the area they had walked through 2 days ago. Pheonyx watched the dog with a proud look on his face before turning to Daryl and motioning towards the direction Kismet was going. 

“After you, Apollo.”

An abrupt snort left his nose. Apollo. The Greek god of archery. Of all the nicknames he’d ever been called that was probably the nicest by far. It was much preferred to Merle’s nickname for him, “Darlena.” Merle mostly did it to annoy him. But it was also a jab at his manhood. Mostly due to the fact that he didn’t pant after women like some kind of sex fiend but partially because he had a streak of kindness in him that Merle always lacked. Most people didn’t know, it wasn’t something the brothers talked about much, that Merle was Daryl’s half brother. His momma was one of the many junkies that their father went on benders with. Merle spent the first 5 years of his life being shuffled by social workers back and forth between his momma and their Pa. Each of them going through cycles of getting clean and then relapsing shortly after. They didn’t get clean for their son though. It was simply for the welfare check and food stamps that came along with having custody of a child. Right before his 6th birthday, Merle watched his momma OD. He was locked in the tiny apartment with her body for 2 days before the neighbors were able to get the cops to investigate the constant screaming of a child. From there, his brother lived solely with his father. Their Pa got better at playing a sober, loving father and Merle got better at hiding the bruises and lashes. Eventually, social services left them alone. It was just the two of them until Will Dixon married Daryl’s momma in one of his brief moments of sobriety. While she treated Merle like he was her own, the damage to his emotional well-being was already done. His brother spent years all alone. He never had anyone who truly cared for him and the only love he ever received was a facade for social workers and cops that always seemed to be snooping around. Daryl suspected that neglect was why his brother had such a hard time maintaining any sort of relationship. And his obsession with being manly, therefore not weak, was entirely due to the brainwashing their father had instilled in him. So, Daryl couldn’t entirely blame his brother for his constant bullying and name-calling. He would happily take “Apollo” over any of the ones his brother had come up with. Especially if Pheonyx was the one calling him it. The name sounded so sweet coming from his lips, and honestly it made Daryl feel wanted. Aside from his brother, he never had friends growing up. And friends gave each other meaningful nicknames. Was that what this was? Was Pheonyx trying to be friends with him? Or was there something else? He did wink at him earlier. Didn’t he? No. He couldn’t have. He must have had something in his eye. That’s all. There is no possible way that a guy like Pheonyx would be trying to flirt with a guy like Daryl. For one, Daryl was older than him by at least a decade, if not more. Second, Pheonyx was incredibly attractive. Obviously, Daryl wasn’t gay but he could objectively say that the other man was beautiful. Even with the world the way it was, he was attractive enough that he could have anyone he wanted. There was no way he could possibly want someone like Daryl. An old redneck who spent the majority of his life chasing after his older brother. The idea that Pheonyx might, though, made his cheeks and ears turn red. Swamped with embarrassment, he gripped his crossbow tightly, reassuring himself of its comforting presence. 

Daryl ducked his head, hiding the heat of his face from Pheonyx’s eyes, and began to follow after Kismet. Despite the fact that he was out of sight, the dog was easy to trail. He left a path of destruction in his wake that was akin to Godzilla destroying a city. Broken branches, trampled bushes, and large paw prints smushed into the mud were like a line of breadcrumbs that led straight to the fumbling beast. If that wasn’t enough, Kismet sniffed out the trail like he was a pig at the state fair. Each inhale was a long snort and exhaled out with a loud wheeze. The sound was like a homing beacon to the dog’s location. Daryl hoped that the everpresent sound of windchimes around them would confuse walkers enough to keep them from following after the dog, and subsequently the two humans on his trail. 

He followed Kismet’s path for a minute before he realized that Pheonyx wasn’t next to him. Looking over his shoulder, he called out,

“Ya comin’, Firebird?” 

Daryl wasn’t entirely sure where the name had come from. The word slid off his tongue like it was something he had been saying for years.  It could be just a play on the other man’s namesake. Maybe it was the fire he had seen in Pheonyx’s eyes when he was standing up to Shane earlier. Either way, the name fit him well. Since Pheonyx had given Daryl his own nickname, it seemed only fitting to have chosen one for him too. 

They spent almost two hours following after Kismet. The speckled dog was very intent on the trail, only breaking his trance to jog back and smell the shirt hanging off of Pheonyx’s belt. After he reminded himself of the scent he was supposed to be tracking, he would trot back to the area he stopped and correct his direction to follow the scent. Pheonyx knew he was on the right track though, occasionally he would catch glimpses of small footprints in the moist forest floor and broken branches at a height that was equivalent to a 12 year old girl. Daryl must have noticed those things too because he didn’t voice any objections to their pathing. 

The afternoon sun was high in the sky, and even the shade from the forest canopy wasn’t enough to mute the heat from the blazing rays. Sweat was dripping down Pheonyx’s face and creating dark spots on his gray tank top. Daryl didn’t seem to be immune to the heat either, his face was glistening with perspiration, making the dirt on his skin darker and more pronounced. Kismet was also panting heavily. He didn’t break from his job though. In past training sessions, they didn’t usually stop until the dog found the scent he was tracking. This was very different than making Jimmy run around the yard with a squirrel skin dragging behind him though. As much as Pheonyx wanted to find Sophia right away, he needed to advocate for Kismet. The pup needed a breather. 

“We need to take a break,” he said, wiping his hand across his forehead to sop up some of the sweat that was tickling his skin. 

Daryl didn’t pause though. He looked back at the younger man with a frown and a slight glare. “Nah we gotta keep movin’. Wastin’ daylight just standin’ around. Sophia could be jus up ahead.”

“If she is, we’ll find her. 10 minutes. That’s all I ask. Kismet needs water and to relax for a minute. We’re no good to Sophia if we pass out from heat stroke and dehydration,” Pheonyx said, standing his ground.  

The archer was silent for a moment, but he realized the truth in Pheonyx’s words. “Fine,” he muttered in defeat. Once he glanced around the surrounding area and concluded there were no walkers or other dangers lurking, he leaned against the nearest tree and began to bite on the skin around his thumbnail. It was a habit of his from childhood he’d never seemed to break, no matter how much Merle told him it made him look like he was sucking his thumb. 

Pheonyx smiled at him in thanks before whistling to recall Kismet. It only took a few seconds for the Tasmanian Devil to burst through the brush, his tongue hanging out in an attempt to cool his overheated body. Pulling off his backpack, Pheonyx knelt next to him and began to scrub the dog’s neck, whispering to him, “You’re doing so good, handsome. Gotta take a break though. You thirsty?” 

Daryl tried to ignore the way his body shivered at the softness in Pheonyx’s tone. He tried not to watch the small beads of sweat slide down his toned arms, making the images on his skin glisten and come to life. He tried not to notice how the neckline of his gray tank top gaped a bit from the angle the other man was kneeling and he was able to get a glimpse of raven wings across his chest.  Instead, he focused on his movements. Pheonyx pulled out three water bottles and a dog bowl from his bag. The younger man opened one up, emptied the bottle into the bowl, and placed the vessel on the ground for Kismet to drink. 

Half a smile overtook Pheonyx’s face as he watched Kismet go to town on the water. Lapping loudly, more water ended up on his muzzle and the surrounding ground than in his mouth. It was still enough to cool him down a bit though because his panting was less heavy as he sprawled on the ground afterward. Shaking his head at the ditzy dog, Pheonyx stood up and handed one of the water bottles over to Daryl, who took it gratefully. He also pulled out one of the bags of jerky from his pocket and held it out to him. 

Daryl felt a wave of reluctance. It wasn’t that he wasn’t hungry. He was. The group’s food supply had dwindled over the past few days, and he hadn’t been able to properly hunt since he was busy looking for Sophia. He’d only managed to swallow down a small stale granola bar before they’d made the short drive to the Greene farm. The idea of being indebted to anyone though, didn’t sit right with him. Nothing in life was free. Especially not for him and Merle. That had been a lesson he’d learned early on. Parents were supposed to provide for their children. Food, clothes, love. But Will Dixon was only a parent in the biological sense. Nothing he ever gave the boys had been from the kindness of his heart. At first, his Ma did her best to put food on the table and clothe them. Once her depression took hold though, she couldn’t work and barely managed to get out of bed everyday. He and Merle took care of themselves the majority of the time. Food was swiped from the local grocery store, picked out of the dumpsters behind restaurants, or stolen from the local food bank donation bins around Thanksgiving time. Clothes were appropriated from lost and found bins around town, or purchased from a thrift store using the meager amounts of money the boys were able to make doing chores for the older folks in the trailer park. Despite the world falling, things hadn’t changed so much for Daryl. He still did his part to earn his food and clothing within the group. If he took the food from Pheonyx, he would owe him. Or at least, he felt like he would. The water bottle he had taken without hesitation but that was different. Water was a bit more common to find, especially on a farm that likely had a well. Food was more of a scarcity and therefore more valuable. So, no matter how much his chest was telling him that Pheonyx wasn’t like that, that he wouldn’t hold some jerky over Daryl’s head, his brain was winning the fight.  

Pheonyx could see the apprehension on Daryl’s face. 

“I swear I didn’t poison it,” he said, still holding the bag out. 

“Ain’t that,” Daryl mumbled, ducking his eyes in embarrassment, still trying to win the inner battle with his mind to just accept the damn food. “Don’t want any charity is all.”

Understanding dawned on Pheonyx and he nodded his head. During the first 8 years of his life, his mom had been an insurance agent and the bread-winner of the family. She was traveling 3 weeks out of every month and, even when she was home, her attention was mentally in the office. His biological father was a “stay-at-home dad”. Which meant he stayed home drinking most of the day while Pheonyx did his best to avoid his wrath. Despite this, the family had been middle class in their finances. So, he hadn’t gone without material-wise. While love had been lacking during that time, he always had a full stomach and always had fairly decent clothing. Moving with his mother and brother to live with Hershel, hadn’t changed that. His step-father was more well-to-do than they had been previously. A lot of the money was generational but most was from Hershel’s veterinary practice. Being one of two practices that specialized in large animals, in a farming community like Senoia, brought in quite a bit of money. They lived humbly despite the financial padding. Pheonyx could understand Daryl’s reluctance though. He knew it was hard to accept help, it created a sense of weakness, a feeling of helplessness. After he left Georgia, Pheonyx struggled immensely. Most of it was mental, but the physical results of that night also plagued him. At the time, he didn’t want to ask for help. He didn’t want to be a burden. He didn’t want to owe anyone. By asking for help, his body wouldn’t be his own. It would belong to someone else. Because people didn’t typically do things without expectation of payment. He had already lost ownership of his body that night. He didn’t want to give anyone else the opportunity to take it again. Aaron had been there to help him when his problems became too much but he had been at his breaking point then. There hadn’t been any other option. 

“I promise it’s not charity. And I’m not looking for anything in return. Mom raised me to be a gentleman. And that means sharing when I have the means to. Maggie packed enough for all three of us,” Pheonyx shook the bag a little and raised his eyebrows. 

Again, Daryl hesitated but after a moment he tentatively took the plastic bag of jerky. He waited for Pheonyx to take a bite of his own portion before he popped a small piece of the dehydrated meat into his mouth. Now, Daryl Dixon was no stranger to jerky. Growing up in a house where hunting was as natural as breathing, meant that smoked and dehydrated meat were a staple of his diet. His parent’s money issues meant that fresh, healthy foods weren’t always available. There were days when all Merle and he had to eat was jerky and wild mulberries that grew rampant on the outskirts of the trailer park. The jerky he was currently chewing though, was nothing like the overly salty, yet still bland, meat he was used to making and eating. That meat was a means of survival. This felt like an indulgence. Despite the lack of moisture, the jerky was still tender and almost melted on his tongue, releasing a myriad of flavors. It was sweet and peppery with a hint of smokiness that rounded out the blend of spices. A small bit of gaminess let him know it was rabbit meat, which wasn’t his favorite overall, but if it was prepared anything like what he was chewing on, his opinion was likely to change. 

Apparently he made some sort of face because Pheonyx looked at him questioningly. Daryl averted his eyes, ears turning a flaming red, embarrassed about letting his emotions show. 

“It’s good,” he mumbled. 

The brightness of the forest seemed to increase tenfold with the proud smile Pheonyx gave him and those damn moths fluttered in his gut again. 

“Thanks! I make it myself. When people evacuated they took all their canned goods. But no one thinks to bring the spice cabinet. So, I’ve got an abundance of stuff to create different flavor profiles. My personal motto is that just because the world ended doesn’t mean you can’t have good food. Just have to know how to use what’s at your disposal.” 

At Zombie Ink(an ironic name considering their current circumstances), Pheonyx’s boss held a bi-weekly potluck for the staff, which consisted of many ethnicities and cultures. Every meeting was a blend of new flavors and cooking techniques to be learned. It was one of the few times that Pheonyx felt like he could interact with people, even if it just meant sharing recipes or learning about different cultural nuances, and had helped him make some friends. He had been trying to recreate those flavors and dishes with the monotonous food supplies they had. 

Silence lapsed as the two made quick work of the food. Pheonyx alternated between eating his own and tossing pieces of the unseasoned jerky to Kismet, who ate it enthusiastically. Daryl tried to keep his gaze averted but he kept getting drawn back to the man a few feet from him. His mind was playing through the events of the day up until that point. And he knew he had to ask Pheonyx something. He was pretty sure he already knew the answer, but he had to make sure. 

Popping the last piece of meat into his mouth, Daryl broached the subject bluntly, “Ya a guy, right?”

Pheonyx dropped the piece of jerky that he had been about to place in his mouth, a choking noise of shock leaving his lips. Kismet dove and caught the meat before it could hit the dirt near his owner’s knees. Fear and anxiety was flitting through Pheonyx’s veins, or else he would have been worried about how the spices would affect Kismet’s stomach. He knew where the conversation was going. It was probably inevitable but the fact he was alone in the woods with the man upped the terror of the situation. While he felt comfortable around Daryl, he couldn’t help the images of the past that floated through his mind. 

“Uh yeah- I mean yes. I am.”

Daryl felt the fear in Pheonyx’s eyes like a knife to the gut. His hands twitched with the need to reach out and soothe his worries. But he didn’t. Something told him that any movements towards the other man would make things worse. So he kept his face blank, and averted his gaze to the surrounding woods. He was starting to think he shouldn’t have started this conversation, based on the other man’s fearful reactions. But there was no going back now. 

“Ya were born a girl, though?” he asked calmly, trying to make his deep voice as un-intimidating as possible. 

Pheonyx considered lying. It would be the safest option. He’d grown up around guys like Daryl. Rough conservative types. And they were usually the ones who reacted violently to anything in the realm of ‘other’. But the archer was so calm. The question had been asked so nonchalantly. As if he were discussing the weather. His words weren’t laced with accusation or scrutinizing countenance. He was just gazing calmly into the woods and fiddling with the now-empty bag that once held their afternoon snack.  

“Yes,” the whispered word slipped through Pheonyx’s mouth before he could stop it. He hoped that he hadn’t heard him, but the archer’s ears had been honed after years of hunting. 

Daryl’s eyes locked with Pheonyx’s and he knew the other man had heard him. Pheonyx flinched, eyes slamming shut, bracing himself for the pain. His heart was slamming against his chest, like the shadows did on the barn door when he walked past. Sweat coated his palms and soaked into his shirt. His breathing picked up a bit and Kismet crawled over to him, whining. The big dog pushed his nose into Pheonyx’s hand and sidled his bulky body up next to his masters. 

Pheonyx waited, barely even noticing Kismet’s attempts at calming him. 1 second, 10 seconds, a minute. He waited for the pain, whether it be vile words or physical hits. But they never came. Instead, there was a crumple of plastic and a deep, “Okay.”

A part of Daryl wanted to offer more words, to say that Pheonyx didn’t have to worry. That he wouldn’t hurt him. Because he knew that was why Pheonyx had reacted that way: sweating, flinching, practically hyperventilating. Someone had hurt him. Badly. Anger filled his body and he wanted to turn around and punch the tree he had been leaning against. That would just cement Pheonyx’s fears though. He tried not to think about why he had such a fierce reaction to the idea of someone hurting the younger man, someone he had only known for a few hours. Instead, he crumpled up the empty bag he had been holding and shoved it in his pocket. 

 Pheonyx’s eyes shot open and he gaped at the other man in shock. “Okay? That’s it? Just okay?”

“Ain’t my business what ya got goin’ on in ya pants. Just didn’ wanna make assumptions,”  the older man said simply. Like he was giving the answer to 2+2. 

It took a moment for his words to soak in. Daryl wasn’t going to hurt him. Daryl wasn’t going to yell. Daryl wasn’t going to break him. Daryl wasn’t going to try to “fix” him. Daryl wasn’t like the demons from the alley. Daryl was different. 

And Pheonyx wasn’t sure how to feel about that. He wasn’t used to people just accepting him for who he was. Maggie and Aaron had been the only ones who accepted him whole-heartedly, no questions asked. There was always some kind of push back. People asked him if he was sure, or if it was just a phase. Or telling him that god didn’t make mistakes. Or saying they accepted him but continually messing up his pronouns. So, he just cleared his throat, patted Kismet’s head, and stood up. He adjusted the cutlass on his hip, making sure all his other weapons were attached and in place. 

“Are we ready to go?”

The old Miller house had been abandoned for almost 50 years. Originally, it had belonged to Hershel’s great great aunt. She lived there with her husband and two kids. When her kids died from a severe illness, haunting memories caused the married couple to move out of Georgia. After that, the house had occasionally been offered up to farmhands and their families but nothing permanent in going on four decades. For years it stood, withering and decaying, on the far edges of the Greene property. 

The white house had two stories and faded red shutters. Paint was falling off the sides of the structure and the front awning was one wind gust away from caving in. The front door was closed with a red x spray painted across the front. At one point, it was beautiful. Now, it was just an embodiment of memories. 

Pheonyx’s hand gripped onto Kismet’s leather collar tightly. The dog whined and tried to pull them towards the house, indicating that the scent trail led there. 

“Stay, Kismet,” Pheonyx murmured to the pup. A grumble came from Kismet’s barrel chest, indicating his displeasure at being called off the search. To appease him, Pheonyx pulled some unseasoned jerky from his pocket and gave it to the dog. Wet slobber coated his palm as Kismet gobbled it down before flopping onto the ground, much akin to a dead fish. Grimacing, Pheonyx wiped his hand on his pants and looked over at Daryl, who was checking the strings on his crossbow. 

“That yer doin'?” Daryl asked, pointing at the red X on the door. 

“Yeah. I mark all the houses I search and clear. I can tell you right now that someone’s been here. Even without Kismet chomping to follow the scent.”

“How’s tha’?”

“The side door’s open. I always make sure to shut the doors when I’m done with a house. Don’t want any shadows finding their way in there and surprising the next people who make their way through,” Pheonyx explained, shrugging. He unsheathed his cutlass, the sharp edge making a slight zing as it rubbed against the metal supports of the casing. The light weight of the weapon felt comfortable in his hand, and he felt its aura of safety engulf him. 

Daryl led the way towards the house, readying his crossbow when they stepped up onto the porch. He turned his head towards Pheonyx, nodding his head at him, gauging to see if he was ready or not. Pheonyx lifted his cutlass up, slightly above his midline, and jerked his head once back at him. Daryl used that as his cue to kick the front door open. Dust flew up as the rotting wood hit the wall with a resounding bang.  

“The door was unlocked. You could have just opened it, Apollo.” Pheonyx whispered to him, in a slightly scolding tone. 

Daryl rolled his eyes but kept his attention on the house in front of him. That was probably true, but he wouldn’t admit that to the younger man. The place had obviously been abandoned a long time ago, but some furniture and knick knacks still remained. A thick layer of dust coated everything, but he was able to make out small footprints on the weathered wood floors. He wanted to call out for Sophia, his heart pounding at knowing she was, or had been, there. But they hadn’t checked the place for walkers yet. Even though there was no scent of decay, there was still a possibility of one of those geeks popping up. 

“Let’s split up,” he murmured back. 

“Let me guess. It’s not you, it’s me, right?”, Pheonyx joked, still keeping his eye on the quiet house. 

If it was anyone else, Daryl would have snapped at them for fooling around while doing something so serious, but he found himself enjoying the playful side of Pheonyx. Compared to the terrified man he’d seen only a short while ago, he would gladly take the playful one. Daryl wasn’t sure how it was possible, but even more blood rushed to his already overheated face as he thought about the syntax of the joke.  Of being in a relationship with Pheonyx. 

“Stop,” he said weakly. 

A light chuckle sounded next to him. “Sorry. Couldn’t help it. The second floor is unstable so I don’t recommend going up there,” Pheonyx motioned with the short sword to the broken wooden stairs. 

Daryl nodded, glancing at the rotted steps across from them. “Ain’t seein’ any tracks up there anyways. She prolly stuck ta the first floor.” 

Pheonyx nodded at him. “I’ll check right.”

With that, they both began to search on their respective sides of the house. Daryl slowly aimed his crossbow right and left as he checked each room, glancing down slightly to track the small shoe prints imprinted on the dusty floor. Light creaking from across the house let him know that Pheonyx was also taking steady steps as he walked through his section of the first floor. Daryl was impressed at how quiet the younger man was. Both in the woods and in the house. Daryl pulled his mind from thoughts of Pheonyx and made his way through what used to be a living room. The only furniture in it was a torn couch, that something had obviously made its home evidenced by the slightly rustling cushions. Next was what he assumed was a dining room, as the only thing left in it was an overturned wooden chair and a broken bar cart. From there, he entered the kitchen area. This had more furniture left than the other parts of the house. Old cupboards lined the wall opposite a wide window, a thin door to the right indicating some sort of pantry. A rickety table was askew in the middle of the space, dirty cutlery scattered on the surface. On the wall across from the door was an old wooden hutch with dirty mason jars and random kitchen utensils. Adjacent to it was an overflowing metal trash can. A heavy fish scent led him over to the bin. Sitting on top of old crumpled newspapers and empty glass bottles, was a can of anchovies that was open and empty. It was newer than the trash it resided on, and the juices in the can hadn’t dried. Holding it towards his nose, he tried to smell any scent of spoiling. There was a slight sourness to it that meant it was just beginning to go bad. It was probably about a day old. The soured fish scent would be heavier if it were any older, especially with the high temperature in the days past. 

Glancing around at the floor, Daryl noted the plethora of tiny shoe prints that stippled the worn panels. Most of them congregated around the pantry so he stepped slowly towards the door. Keeping his crossbow raised, just in case of surprises, he pulled the door open quickly. There wasn’t anybody inside but in the small area, beneath the main shelves, was a tiny nest of blankets. The area was tight and only someone shorter than 5ft would be able to cram themselves in there comfortably. A sense of relief filled Daryl. He was upset that Sophia wasn’t there, but they were on the right track. She had been there. And if the can was any indication, she was there recently. 

A squeak of the floorboards had Daryl whirling around, aiming his crossbow directly at the source of the noise. Instead of a walker’s milky white eyes, he was met with fern green irises. Pheonyx, in the middle of sheathing his cutlass, raised his eyebrows at the other man.

“Calm down, Apollo. Just me. The rest of the house is clear. You find anything?”

Daryl lowered his weapon. He grunted in affirmation and inclined his head towards the nest of blankets at the bottom of the pantry, “We’re ‘bout a day behind her. Found a fresh can in the trash.”

A look of deep concentration came over Pheonyx’s face and he turned to one of the built-in cupboards next to the pantry door. He opened the door to the bottom-most cabinet. It was empty.

Daryl was curious about what the man was looking for but his mind went blank as he watched Pheonyx bend over. His mouth went dry and his grip tightened on the weapon in his hand. He’d never been much of an ass man(hell, he didn’t think he was any type of man before this) but the way Pheonyx’s backside filled out those jeans had him thinking thoughts that were confusing for someone who obviously wasn’t gay. 

A large smile overtook Pheonyx’s face and Daryl pushed away the troubling fantasies he was having. 

“Your girl’s chance of survival just went up.”, there was a slight squeak of excitement in the younger man’s voice that he couldn’t help. 

Daryl narrowed his eyes at the other man in confusion, so Pheonyx explained. “A month ago, I set up twelve supply drops with bug-out bags. Just in case something were to happen at the farm. One of those was here. Each bag has enough supplies to help survive a week, or more if rationed right. MRE’s, pop-up tents, water bottles, water purification tablets, survival blankets, firestarters, maps, compasses. There’s even a hunting knife in each bag. We may not have found her today but her mom should feel a little better knowing she's got some supplies."

The relief that Daryl felt was palpable and Pheonyx was glad he could at least offer him something. 

“I’d say let’s keep going but we need to start heading back now if we want to be at the farm before it gets dark,” Pheonyx said. He noted the flash of anger in Daryl’s eyes and continued softly, “Kismet and I will head out at first light tomorrow.”

The older man grunted in frustration and brought his thumb to his mouth to chew on his nail. His train of thought stopped and focused on the phrasing of the other man’s words. Thinking back he remembered Pheonyx saying they would only work together for the day. While it would probably be better to have more people spread out looking for Sophia, his stomach clenched at the idea of splitting up from Pheonyx. Obviously, because it was safer to work in pairs. Not because he was attracted to the younger man. That would be weird because he obviously wasn’t gay.  “Ya ain’t going out alone, Firebird. Me, you, n’ the mutt can search together. Might need ta talk ta Rick ‘bout his ideas fer tomorrow though.” 

Running his fingers through his sweat soaked hair, Pheonyx nodded. “Yeah, I don’t know how Kismet will do if we have a bunch of other people in the woods searching too. He did good today, but with a bunch of other smells he might get confused. I also worry about other people getting lost. Shadows aren’t the only things in these woods that can hurt you. No offense but the others in your group didn’t look like they had much experience with the outdoors.”

Daryl snorted, “Yer tellin’ me. Buncha city-slickers.”

They both headed out the back door of the house and Pheonyx whistled his three note recall to Kismet. While they waited on the dog, Daryl called out to Sophia. It was a long shot, he knew that. But he had to try. There was no response though. The only sounds he heard were the warbling melody of frogs and the distant burbling of the creek. And the chaotic sounds of a huge dog barreling his way towards them. Both men watched as Kismet, unable to stop his momentum once he reached them, slid into a boxwood bush with a loud crash. 

“For fuck’s sake,” Pheonyx grimaced, “You okay, Kismet?” he called out.

The leaves and branches shook for a moment before Kismet’s speckled face popped out from the green foliage. His tongue was hanging out, panting happily. He shook himself off before trotting over to them. A quick glance over told Pheonyx that, aside from some dirt on his sides, the dog was unscathed.  He turned his head to ask Daryl if he was ready to head out, but the words died on his lips as he watched the man pluck a Cherokee Rose from the thorny plant neighboring the boxwood that Kismet had just slid into. The story of the flower was something he was very familiar with, having learned about the Georgia state flower in elementary school. 

“You getting that for her mom?,” he asked the archer softly, taking a step to run his fingers over one of the roses still on the bush. 

Daryl nodded, “Sophia’s all she’s got left. Lost ‘er husband a week ago. Weren’t no real loss there. Guy was a prick,” he was silent for a moment, “Them girls ain’t deserve none a this shit.”

While that was a true enough statement, he couldn’t tell the truth, the real reason he was so determined to find this little girl. He couldn’t even admit it to himself. He couldn’t admit that when he saw Carol, he saw a reflection of his own mama. That first day in camp, Merle had taken to calling her “Mouse” because of how skittish and meek she was. Her husband had such a tight hold on her, every move she made was followed by a look over her shoulder to make sure Ed wasn’t there to beat her down. He’d seen the same look in his own mama’s eyes many times. By the end, the fear had torn her down so much that she was only a shell. A walker before walkers existed. 

And he certainly couldn’t admit that he saw a bit of his childhood self in Sophia. Sophia was merely a ghost. People would see flashes of her blonde hair out of the corner of their eyes, but she’d be gone by the time they’d turn their head. While Carl was a chatterbox, Sophia was damn near voiceless. Daryl had probably only heard her speak two or three times that he could remember. Just like her mom, looking at Sophia had him staring back into the past. The little boy, he used to be, lived a life of invisibility. The less he was noticed, the less pain he had to endure under his father’s belt. He spent more time hiding in the kitchen cupboards than in his own bed. But unlike him, Sophia’s abuser died. She had a chance at a normal life–as normal as one can be with the dead walking around. He needed to find her. For Carol. For his mama. For that little boy that he used to be. 

Pheonyx wanted to reach out to the man, maybe place a hand on his shoulder, but he stopped himself. Instead he gave him words. “We’ll find her. I don’t like to make promises but I will now. You and me. We’ll find her,” a grumble came from his side and he rolled his eyes, “ Kismet will help too.”

Plucking a rose from the bush, he handed it to Daryl, a physical contract of his words. Calloused hands brushed against his own and blue eyes locked with his green ones. Blood rose on both of their faces and they both looked away at the same time. Nothing more was said. 

The two men walked side by side, with a speckled hound between them, one holding a Cherokee Rose and a promise. 

Taglist: @edgyboi10000 @yoongibaybee @dixonsboy19

[kaibutsushidousha]

The Story of the Boy Who Left to Pick Up Sand from the Moon (Sagrada Reset 4) - Chapter 2

[INDEX]

Since Nonoo said she wouldn't leave the shrine until it was dark, Kei and Haruki decided to stay with her. Admiring the night sky wouldn't help them find Kusakabe Shouta, but mission or no mission, the summer vacation was the ideal occasion to watch the stars.

Kei and Haruki climbed down the mountain, passed through the main shrine, bought onigiri and sandwiches at the nearest convenience store, and returned to the shrine to share the food with Nonoo. Upon giving an onigiri to the cats, they relinquished their space on the stone staircase for Kei and Haruki to seat. After taking a bite of her sandwich, Nonoo commented about it having cheese.

The sun only went down at 7 PM. One hour before it, the white moon already showed up in the eastern sky.

The moon was bigger than it were half a month ago. As its surroundings grew darker, the moon began to reflect the sun's light and shine beautifully. Even on the hottest season, the serene moon looked chill.

(Is there a boy collecting sand on the moon right now? The moon's surface must be very cold.)

"Can you recognize the constellations, Kei?"

There were no streetlights or bright billboards next to the shrine. The night sky had plenty of stars littered across its dark blue infinitely close to a black.

Kei shook his head.

"I'm confident I can get a question about them right in the science test, but that's about it."

The stars shining in the sky don't care about anyone's opinions, so they don't bother complying to the constellation diagrams about them. Kei liked the night sky but never had any interest in constellations. 

"That one looks like Orion to me."

But Orion is a winter constellation. It allegedly also appears on summer in the early morning, but it being in the sky at that time was inconceivable.

"Do you know the constellations?"

"I don't know a lot either. I believe the Summer Triangle is maybe over that way."

"Then that's Cygnus."

Deneb was a component of the Summer Triangle. It's the brightest star in the Cygnus and lies 1800 light-years away from Earth. With very powerful light, it emitted about 50000 times the amount of energy the Sun did.

None of this information helped identify which star was Deneb. He was pretty confident he found the one, but pointing and calling the name didn't deliver the answer. Besides, when seen from Earth, the Moon's mirror of sunlight looked a lot brighter than Deneb. 

"What did you and Shouta usually talk about?", Kei asked with his eyes still up to sky.

"It was always about the moon and the stars. Also about that one cat. In retrospect, I don't know much about him.", Nonoo answered relaxedly.

"Do you know anything that happened at his school?"

"Nothing. Shouta didn't talk much about himself."

"He's a lot like you, Nonoo."

"You're the same when it comes to not talking about yourself.", she giggled. "I already had this same conversation with Shouta. That's probably what I like about that boy."

"How he doesn't make the conversation about himself?"

"Yeah."

"You prefer to keep conversations short?"

"I don't prefer anything. I'm just not interested. When I'm chatting with someone, I don't care about their past or their daily routine."

"It doesn't matter if you're talking to a criminal or to the king of another nation?"

"Yeah, doesn't matter. I say something and they reply. There's this back-and-forth. Nothing else is essential."

(I can somewhat relate. That's one way to have an impartial perspective. Correct words don't become less correct by coming out the mouth of a liar. Wrong words don't become less wrong by coming out the mouth of an honest person. If every word is treated with due attention, their context grows less significant. But…)

"Does that mean you see no difference between the words of a friend, the words of a lover, and the words of a complete stranger?"

"If they're saying the same thing, who is saying it doesn't change a thing. Life's a lot easier if you can think like that.", she nodded.

He strongly identified with her answer but hearing it said out loud felt cruel.

Kei shifted his attention to Haruki's profile. She watched the starry sky in silence.

"Nonoo, did you say the same thing to Shouta?"

"Uh-huh."

"Your mindset is very fair and a little unfair.", Kei spoke after some hesitation.

"I don't get it. You're contradicting yourself.", she answered with no confused reaction.

Conversation that exclude the backgrounds of the parties are faithful to the words said. But they're not faithful to the person speaking. They sound fair to the conversation itself but unfair to their personal relationship. Because one facet of developing intimacy is reframing the meaning of previous actions and words. And because when you repeat something, you want your voice to reach deeper for one specific person.

Kei decided to ask a mean question.

"Will it make any difference to you if Shouta dies, but you have someone else to talk about the stars and the moon in his place?"

He didn't know what were Kusakabe Shouta's feelings for Nonoo Seika. But he disappeared in front of Nonoo and promised to meet her on the day he'd move away. It's very likely he thought of her something more than a simple acquaintance.

Nonoo subtly lowered her gaze.

"No, that's not how it works."

"Yes, I know."

"I can see someone as special, like anyone can."

"I know the feeling."

Kei internally sighed. He clearly said too much.

Kusakabe Shouta's and Nonoo Seika's relationship didn't need Kei's input. That was for Shouta to deal with. It's not something Kei should take away from him.

Haruki pointed to the stars.

"That one is probably Vega."

She's been searching for the Summer Triangle this whole time.

But Kei couldn't tell what was the star she was pointing to.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The trio watched the night sky by the shrine until 8:30 PM.

After that, they climbed down the dark mountain relying on the moon's light. They could hear frogs in the distance. The streetlamps and traffic lights seen below the mountain looked awfully bright.

The mountain track eventually led to a narrow stone staircase going to the side of the main shrine. The main shrine had its own set of stone stairs leading to the streets. 

Kei wanted to walk Nonoo home but she refused.

"That's the usual time for me.", Nonoo said. She told them her house was very close to the place. Kei found no need to push it, and parted ways with Nonoo in front of the main shrine.

He and Haruki walked the night streets side by side. His steps were slightly shorter than they are when he's walking alone.

She looked at the starry sky again.

"What's sand from the moon like?"

"Just basalt sand with smaller grains."

"Do you find that beautiful, Kei?"

"Not sure. The moon looks prettier to me when seen from Earth."

"Why did Kusakabe Shouta went to take sand from the moon?"

"Don't know. It was probably the only decent idea he had."

(The only idea he had for a good enough gift for Nonoo.)

Kei didn't know Nonoo all too well.

He could please her by buying cream puffs, but he couldn't think of what would be a more memorable present. She didn't seem to care about clothes and accessories.

The only thing he could say for certain Nonoo liked was cats. But giving away a cat as a present would probably offend her. That was not the way she interacted with cats.

"It's hard to find a present the person will like.", Kei said.

"I was pleased by the hairpin you gave me, Kei", Haruki responded.

Kei gave Haruki a hairpin as a present exactly 10 days ago.

"I cheated on that one."

"What do you mean?"

"That's confidential. Still, I'm glad you enjoyed it."

Words existed to convey messages, but not every message needed to be passed. However, Nonoo Seika and Kusakabe Shouta lacked enough conversation, in Kei's opinion.

"Supposed you wanted to give someone a present."

"I do. I want to give you something in return for the hairpin."

"Thank you, but don't bother.", Kei quickly shook his head before continuing. "Anyway, Haruki, what do you do when you want to give someone a present but you don't know what they like?"

"I ask them what they want."

"Very constructive approach, but that's not always the right call."

"How so?"

"I believe there are presents that you must choose yourself. At times like this, you need to look at all of their words and actions to guess what's the best pick."

Haruki was puzzled.

"Is the return gift for the hairpin one of those I must think about on my own?"

"No, that's not it at all."

Kei was getting upset at how he couldn't make the conversation about Nonoo and Shouta, but not enough to shut down Haruki's topic, so he switched to the listener role.

"I believed it should also be an accessory to match the hairpin, but you don't tend to wear any.", she said.

"Yeah, putting trinkets on is a chore and they don't make me look much better."

"But you often wear a wristwatch."

"Only when necessary. Most of the time, I look at my phone to check the time."

He'd rather avoid those predicaments that necessitate him to learn what time it is at a mere flick of the wrist.

"Then how about a book?"

"I prefer buying my own reads."

"Now that you mention it, you never go to the library."

"Yeah, I love the mood of the library but I can't deal with having return dates."

He wanted to avoid packing his scheduled as much as possible. Generally, the blanker a calendar was, the better.

Haruki nodded.

"Understood."

"Understood what?"

"Choosing presents is difficult."

Kei and Haruki walked the night streets side by side. 

The moon slowly moved from the east sky to the south. 

Did Kusakabe Shouta really go there?

The only thing certain was that a boy disappeared last night.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the next day–July 26th–Kusakabe Shouta still hadn't returned home.

Kei met Haruki at 11:30 AM.

The two sat together at a small park bench.

The large clock in front of them was precisely 5 minutes late. Every time they've been there, it's been 5 minutes late. No more, no less. Would anyone ever fix the time? Was the 5-minute delay intentional? They'd never know. Perhaps the moral of the story is that there's nothing wrong with public clocks being late.

Kei and Haruki were the only ones in the park. No one in the sandbox, no one on the swings, no one on the slide. The playground equipment devoid of children didn't feel legitimate. It looked like curio modeled after a real playground.

The loud voices of the cicadas were the only source of noise. Straining his ears enough, he could hear a TV in the distance, but not audibly enough to make out what it was saying.

Their last Save was July 23rd at noon. The two were on the same bench of the same park. Almost 72 hours had passed since then. It takes 72 hours for the Save's effect to run out.

Kei stared at time display on his phone. It reached 11:45:00. The park's delayed clock marked 11:40:00.

"It's time.", said Kei. 

Haruki Misora's ability was called Reset.

The whole world returns to how it was in the moment of the Save if she merely wills it. The rewind may be simulated, but she can turn back time up to 3 days in total. It was a very powerful and disruptive ability.

Kei's role was to press the switch.

"Haruki."

He never once gave the sign to use this ability without hesitating. He never once let his hesitation stop him from giving the sign.

Under the blue sky, the boy spoke a word with outward composure.

"Reset."

One word to wreck the world. One word to start it over from its remains.

For a short time, the continuous voice of the cicadas seemed to be interrupted.

[astro-b-o-y-d]

What sort of concepts or ideas have you had that you've either replaced or had to abandon? Things like characters, plots that didn't make sense in the long run, fun facts that won't be relevant in the final? It's always interesting to see what sort of stuff was in the prototype versions of stories!

GOOD QUESTION.

I think so far, I haven't had to really ABANDON any of my ideas so much as simply tweak them a little to the left when it comes to fitting them within the story. Like the eventual Big Bad of the story might turn a little different in the final product than what I initially planned with him (I also bounced back and forth on WHO I wanted him to be in terms of how he fits into the plot), but the overall concept will still be the same as what I'd originally wanted.

I do have a few fun little tidbits I can share, though~! Going into this story, I wasn't actually sure if I was going to make Bill both physically AND mentally a child. I was still bouncing between 'maybe he's just STUCK in the body of a teenager but not actually one' and 'no, wait, he's actually been stuck at this age for a trillion years'. I did briefly consider keeping him an adult, before I was like 'Hmm, well, the Pines family having beef with some kid would be way funnier.' and went with that.

There's another good one; I'd initially put Bill at 13-14 years old mentally. Obviously the little joke in TBOB inspired me to bump it down to twelve, which I feel is the opposite of a problem. It works so much better AND it's far more amusing to me. PLUS HEY, dubiously-canon evidence to point to when it comes to that plan!

ALSO ALSO a super big change!!! Mina was not a thing during the earliest stages of the fic being planned!!! I'm serious, I only made her about a year or so ago, whereas I'd been planning out the fic for about two-and-a-half years at this point. She helped me expand on my story plans a LOT, especially in terms of my plans for her and Bill's home dimension.

Speaking of which, you would think the recent TBOB stuff would've crushed a lot of plans regarding that. Realistically, it was less than you'd think. Sure, I'll end up tweaking Scalene and Euclid's personalities away from what I'd initially planned for them.

But even THEN, my overall plans for the Second Dimension/Euclydia were so flimsy and malleable because by the time it was important to think about, TBOB had been announced. I knew by that point I had a potential ticking clock when it came to new canon information about Bill's dimension, so while I did have SOME plans, I tried to keep them from being too set-in-stone.

Some I will still have to ditch, unfortunately. I did have some concepts regarding Bill and Mina being a twin pair of equilateral triangles and how that was something rare and interesting to their dimension, causing their parents to both treat them as trophies to show off while also berating them if they step too far out of line. That'll have to be scrapped; with Bill's mutation, it just feels redundant to include. Maybe it'll still be a neat thing for them, but overall it won't be super important to the plot.

Not to mention the concept of shapes being male and lines being female as a whole I've clearly had to toss out, which is really only a shame in the sense that you can't immediately look at a female shape OC like Mina and know right off the bat she's trans. But that's not a HUGE issue; Mina is trans in the sense that she is both a female triangle and a female human girl. As I've said in the past, she's never wanted to be seen as a LINE. So lines not being strictly female in Euclydia isn't a huge deal.

I think finally, I can bring up Scalene and Euclid, and how we have crumbs of information about them. As I said before, I've had to scrap some of my initial ideas for their personalities, as flimsy and wavering as those initial plans had been. I'd had this idea of them using the intrigue of their rare twin equilateral triangles to help get them further in life, thus the pressure for them to stay in line. I don't think I'm going to make them that cruel in canon, or even that well off.

I'm still working out the details in terms of how I want to characterize them, but the most important goal for me is to make them...well, for lack of a better term, human. They will be very flawed individuals, ones who cared for their kids and each other, but still did a lot of things to both traumatize said kids (whether it's deliberately or even not deliberately), and cause their originally-strong relationship to waiver. Their tale will be a tragic one for both themselves and their kids, and I'm very excited to get there.

Wow, this got long. Clearly I had a lot to talk about and I don't even think that's EVERYTHING, just the stuff off the top of my head I can recall! We'll see if the list gets bigger as time goes on!

[palmofafreezinghand]

happy thanksgiving

when renee bails on bella, she spends thanksgiving with some unconventional hosts. on ao3 here.

thank you to @birchbees for requesting a story of "esme being a good mom to bella"

Bella and Edward were supposed to be enjoying a peaceful fall afternoon together, ideally cuddled up in front of the Cullen fireplace reading from a well-worn copy of ‘Wuthering Heights.’  Bella had fallen asleep within minutes, tired from having spent the previous night talking. She woke up an hour later to find Edward had been dragged out by Emmett who had possibly detected a black bear but needed a telepath to be sure, Emmett still had yet to give up hope Edward’s gift would suddenly apply to animals. 

She learned all of this from the handwritten note in beautiful cursive taped to her forehead. Thinking the house was empty she went to fetch a glass of water. Despite the fact, the entire family had risked their lives for her, more than once, Bella was still terrified of leaving any trace of evidence in the house that she was alive. 

She walked into the kitchen checking her phone, Renee had called for the first time in three weeks. Bella would call her back, maybe in a day or two. Their conversations were getting less frequent, especially after Renee had broken the news she was spending the holidays with Phil’s sister and her children. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. There was no reason it should have upset Bella as much as it did, she couldn’t think about it for too long. 

She wiped what was definitely not a tear as she swung open the kitchen door. 

“Good morning,” a familiar voice said from the kitchen bar. Bella jumped a little before realizing it was just Esme, probably the least threatening person she knew, especially for a technical murderer. 

“Hi,” Bella smiled, trying to aggressively wipe away the certainly not tears. She knew Esme noticed but thankfully was kind enough to not mention it. 

“Can I get you anything?” Esme asked. She was sifting through a large book of fabric swatches while looking back and forth between her laptop screen, the book, and the plans she had strewn across the marble countertops. 

“I was just getting water,” Bella said, suddenly afraid of being an imposition. 

Esme smiled and returned her attention back to her work. “Edward will be home soon,” she said as Bella filled a water glass. 

“I know. He left a note.” 

“Figures. But he promised he’d hide my left socks if I didn’t relay the message.” 

“I’ll make sure to tell him. Your socks are safe,” Bella said, taking a sip of the water. Esme at some point had started keeping a pitcher of water in the empty fridge, she infused them with different fruits today’s selection was orange and lemon. 

They sat in comfortable silence for a few moments, Bella refilled her glass once. 

“Are you doing anything for Thanksgiving?” Esme asked as she carefully tore out a pink striped upholstery fabric. There was no way Esme would have known Bella would rather do anything but think of the holiday season, but it still felt cruel of her to bring it up. 

“No,” Bella muttered. “My mom is spending the season with her new in-laws, and Charlie has to work so I’ll probably just have a quiet night at home.” 

“That’s a bummer,” Esme frowned.

“It’s alright,” Bella shrugged. “The only thing I really like about Thanksgiving is my grandma’s pumpkin pie without the pumpkin but I haven’t had that in years so it’s fine.” 

She omitted the fact she could eat an entire tray of sweet potatoes with caramelized marshmallows on top, would eat cranberry sauce straight out of the can like it was candy, and used to wait anxiously in front of the oven window watching the turkey roast. 

“Well, we’d love to have you over. Although we might not be much fun.” 

She showed up at the Cullen house for another mundane afternoon, three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches stowed in her backpack, a Cosmic Brownie for Thanksgiving dessert, and a Diet Pepsi as a treat. It was a pathetic excuse for a holiday dinner but she supposed this would be how holidays would go for the rest of forever, it’s not like vampires would ever spend fourteen hours in the kitchen just for nostalgia. 

“What is that?” Rosalie whisper-shouted, appearing in front of Bella’s truck in a flash. 

“What?” Bella frowned. 

“The food in your bag,” Rosalie hissed. 

“It’s my… dinner?” 

“Edward didn’t tell you,” she scowled. 

“Tell me what?” Bella asked. 

Rosalie rolled her eyes, a gesture that somehow involved her entire body. “Give me the sandwiches,” she whispered. When Bella didn’t do as she said, thinking she couldn’t be serious. “Now,” she held her hand out in front of her. “Please,” she added quickly. 

Bella did as Rosalie said. “Thank you,” Rosalie muttered. “Now go in there and say thank you.” 

“Thank you?” Bella said, not understanding why she was thanking Rosalie for stealing her food but doing so anyways. 

“Not to me,” Rosalie said, rolling her eyes once again. “Just go inside, please,” she smiled slightly, lightly pushing Bella towards the house. 

When Bella opened the front door she was greeted by the smell of spices and something sweet baking in the oven. 

Edward poked his head out of the kitchen, grinning when he saw her. “Happy Thanksgiving.” 

Bella walked into the kitchen to find one of the most extravagant spreads she had ever seen. It wasn’t an Edward extravagant, expensive and lavish, but lovingly extravagant, homemade dinner rolls, two different salads, a small turkey, and a honey-roasted ham. 

Edward and Esme were both in the kitchen, although Edward was standing off to the side, more an accessory than an actual assistant. He greeted her with a kiss on her cheek, his arm wrapping around her shoulders and pulling her into his side. “Suprise,” he whispered into her temple. 

  Esme was wearing an apron that looked straight out of ‘Leave it to Beaver’ and well-loved over the years, her curls piled on the top of her head in an unruly bun. “Happy Thanksgiving,” Esme smiled as she pulled a pie out of the oven. 

“Happy Thanksgiving,” Bella said, trying to swallow the sob that had been threatening to jump out her throat all day, this time for a very different reason. 

“Alright,” Esme said, sliding three pies across the counter towards Bella. “I give up. I tried,” she laughed lightly. 

Bella looked down and there, sandwiched between two almost pumpkin pies was a version of her grandmother’s pumpkin pie without the pumpkin looking up at her. 

“Pumpkin pie, without the pumpkin,” Bella said looking at the pie crust filled with vanilla ice cream topped with whipped cream. The sob in her throat was now declaring war against her. 

Esme looked at the pie in disbelief, “you’re kidding. That’s it?” She asked, pointing at the pie. 

The only response Bella could muster was to wrap Esme in a hug. “You nailed it,” she whispered, her voice no louder than a rustle of leaves. “Thank you.”

[immobiliter]

@avaere sent: "lady furina this, lady furina that - man , i tell ya ! "

though , perhaps if the oni had paid a little more attention to the person he was talking to , maybe he would have noticed that the lady furina he had heard his share about was a little closer than what he might have thought; " every-darn-where i go i keep hearing that ! oh lady furina did this, oh lady furina did that - no you can't lick the walls to check for beetle fragrance, lady furina made a rule that - blah blah blah ! SOMETIMES ! Y'KNOW ! it sort of feels like every living , breathing fontaine person keeps using her name as a threat of some sort ! OOoOOOo LADY FURINA ! "

he'd press his hands against his face to imitate a spooky face, something similar to what one could imagine ghosts carrying. there might have been some exaggeration in his words, the oni's newfound interest being to bother his latest beetle protegee. wherever he'd spot that familiar blue attire, he'd appear beside her. tea, walks, even in moments she wished to flee from him there'd be an oni right by her.

"it's not fair y'know !" a change in his demeanor, hands would fall down into a tightly crossed position over his chest. eyes shut, head shrugging back and forth. "everywhere i go the people hide behind lady furina, lady furina's laws - it's not fair to this lady to have all that burden put on her ! heck, i'm certain that most of the laws she made were made because of other people ! like they want me to start beef with her over something i disagree with ... i don't disagree with her rules, rules are neat ! ... at times ... if you ask me, i disagree with how people use her as a big, scary law dudette !"

what a cruel fate. he didn't even know her ( well ... ) and he could already assume what sort of life she was living; " ... it's a good thing they don't use you that way, miss bro - " crimson gaze returned, posture changing as he'd flex, giving his arm a pat.

" i'd kick their asses for dragging your name like that ! "

( oh ... when was he going to learn ... )

       “ Uhhh... ” Her characteristic laugh, punctuated by a decidedly nervous edge, rung out between them as they walked. The longer this charade went on, the more guilty Furina felt — not least because, every single time Itto heard her name, her actual name, mentioned around the Court, she braced herself for the inevitable moment when her new oni friend turned to look at her and realised the truth. How would he react? How betrayed would he feel that she hadn't told him? Furina couldn't rightly say that she'd ever made a friend before — not like this, not with someone who didn't already know who she was and treat her differently because of it.

       For all his eccentricities and the times, mostly early on, when she'd actively tried to avoid him, Itto was a refreshing change of pace. He didn't stare at her in awe, or eye her with suspicion, or stumble over his words awkwardly in her presence. In his eyes, she was nothing less than ordinary: no different to any other person in Fontaine. Whenever he took her beetle-hunting, he only went easy on her the first few times — after that it was up to her to try to keep up with her enthusiastic mentor. When he interrupted her at tea, he did so without a care in the world for what she might think — or do, had she still been the nation's archon.

       In truth, Furina had become too attached to being that nobody and, the longer this wore on, the more painful she knew it would be for Itto when he found out the truth. So she smiled and nodded and went along with it, muscle memory from five hundred years of doing the same ( though for a completely different reason ).

       “ I don't think she made all of her laws because of other people... ” Sometimes it was difficult to hear herself talked about in the third person and not feel some weird combination of shame and revulsion at her former self. Even though things were different now, the ghosts of her actions, her behaviours, her trial at the Opera Epiclese still haunted her every step. Furina glanced upwards, meeting Itto's gaze. “ She just strikes me as quite the... fickle woman. Easily bored, you know? That sort of thing. ” A pause. “ And I think we invoke her name so often because... well, she loomed over Fontaine for so long. It's... hard to imagine a Fontaine without her. ”

[raspberryconverse]

Coley's Beaus, FWBs and Ladies: A Cheat Sheet (updated 11/12/24)

It occurs to me that with all my beaus (and FWBs and possibly ladies now) mentioned in my post, it might be nice to have a cheat sheet. Also it might be helpful to know who I'm still dating and who I'm not, considering we're up to #5, but I'm only really dating 2, possibly 3. There are also several FWBs, so keeping those straight is also going to be an issue. My poor therapist had to make her own cheat sheet (she literally has rolled her eyes when I've mentioned a new person with a one syllable name, because apparently my type is short men with beards and one syllable names).

Beau #1: Straight, 4½ years older than me, 5'6"ish, married with a girlfriend (used to be 2, but one broke up with him), used to do DoorDash, but now works at a car dealership. We met on Feeld and had been talking for awhile when my spouse had told me they wanted a divorce (we went back and forth for awhile, but 6 months later we actually are getting divorced). He was kind of my poly mentor, so when this happened and I didn't know who to talk to, I turned to him. We talked on the phone and when he was done dashing for the day, we met for tacos, made out a bit in his car and then went back to his place and had amazing sex. Hands down the best sex I've ever had. I joke that he's ruined me for other men.

My biggest complaints with him were smoking and scheduling. The smoking is really bad because he has asthma (as much fun as it is to say I've nearly killed him during sex, it's not fun to stop and grab the inhaler) and how the AuDHD affects us getting together. He can't seem to get a calendar going with his wife, so it greatly affects when we can see each other. Me being able to host should have helped, but he's only come here once and it was the week after my spouse asked for a divorce (for real this time).

I finally broke up with him, after asking myself for at least 2 months why I was still seeing him.

Beau #2: AKA The KitchenAid Mixer Guy, because one of his Feeld profile pics is a nude with his KitchenAid mixer. One of the main reasons I swiped on him, TBH. Heteroflexible (as in he likes playing with couples), 3 years younger than me, 5'7", used to manage a theatre until he got fired for sticking up for one of the owner's tenants. He was seeing someone else besides me. He was really funny and reminded me of a friend who passed away 7 years ago. We saw each other weekly for almost 2 months before he fucked off to Michigan and didn't tell me he was actually leaving. He was between jobs and had been waiting for over a month on a background check for one and told me if he didn't get it, he'd go stay with his parents for a bit. Then I didn't hear from him for a few days, checked in and he sent me a pic of his mom's ugly rug on her front porch 🙄

He tried to tell me that our relationship wasn't serious enough for a heads up that he left. "The only person who needs to know where I am at all times is the person I'm living with" (which I argue there's a difference between wanting to know your whereabouts at all times and wanting to know you left the state for several weeks). He claimed we had only gone out 5 times and had been seeing each other for a month (it was 8 times and almost 2 months, but whatever). I miss him a lot, but clearly he needs to get his shit together and treat the people he's seeing with more respect. We had a really good thing going where I'd come over, he'd cook dinner, we'd watch a movie and then have sex (the sex wasn't the greatest, but what he lacked in skill he made up for in enthusiasm). I never wanted more than that, but he seemed to think otherwise.

Beau #3: The drummer. Another Feeld match. Divorced dad of 6 year old twins. Straight, same age as me (graduated a year after me because his birthday is later in the year), 5'6", works in a warehouse, never been poly, but was open to ENM (which I now know is yellow flag). We really clicked right away as oversharers. We both like to try new beers and would go to breweries often on dates. I have my theories as to why he broke up with me based on his "things were moving too fast and I don't think we're a good match" statement. I honestly thought we were a great match because of how comfortable we were talking about deep stuff and I really miss our naked cuddles. We only successfully had sex once because he was having some unexplained ED issues. Best of luck to him with that.

One of the things I'm really bummed about is I actually genuinely like his band. I mean, I'm sure part of it is he looks hot when he's playing (those forearms 🥵), but their music is good too. I really want to show up at a show, looking really hot and see what happens. My therapist will tell me that's a very bad idea. My friends already have (and they managed to keep me occupied when he had one literally 10 minutes from my house to avoid temptation).

Beau #4: Queer, 4 years older than me, 5'7", ex Army Ranger, works in marketing for a big tech company and has an anchor partner. Not a Feeld match (we met at Queer Poly Cocktails). Things are still pretty new, but he seems to like me a lot. I think being queer cancels out a lot of the problematic military stuff. He's very passionate about suicide prevention for veterans, cowrote a coffee table book of veteran stories, is working on another book about with a friend about how they helped get the abandoned troops out of Afghanistan and was apparently in a really bad zombie movie comprised completely of veterans. He actually has a few pics on WikiFeet, which is... interesting.

He can deadlift more than double my body weight, so that's pretty hot. But he doesn't look very muscly, which I really love.

He seems pretty smitten with me, but he's also had a busier than normal late summer/early fall (he said it's the busiest time for him at work). I've been super frustrated by this because he does make time to see his anchor partner, but will go weeks without seeing me. We did finally have a talk about it and it's just been bad timing. He said he definitely is into me, enjoys spending time with me and didn't think things were casual, but he also doesn't have the bandwidth right now to develop something more serious. Hoping once work finally calms down, we'll finally see each other more regularly and things will start to move in that direction.

Possibly Beau #5: Pansexual, 6 years younger than me, 5'7", ex Navy, mobile urgent care nurse. He doesn't seem that young, which I think is probably due to being in the military (and again, being queer seems to cancel out problematic military stuff). We met on Feeld and just started seeing each other, but we get along really well and sex has been really good. We actually talked for 3 weeks before meeting IRL.

I had a good feeling about him. I was wrong.

We went out once and it was absolutely lovely, but over the course of 4 weeks, he cancelled on me 3 times. The 3rd time was the final straw for me. He agreed that I had every right to be upset and want to break things off after that. I really wanted him to fight for me. He didn't. Things like this make me feel like I'm not worthy. Deep down, I know it's not true, but I'm just not at a point mentally where I can believe it. Hopefully I'll get there someday.

We actually started texting again. My therapist helped me realize that I reacted poorly (not that I shouldn't have been mad, but my reaction was out of line). I apologized and he offered to talk it out, but he's been really busy, apparently 🙄 I eventually told him I missed texting with him and he said the reason he wasn't responding was because he thought I wouldn't want to start texting again without talking. I told him that ideally, talking first would be good, but that I was open to texting anyway and waiting for him to have the time to talk. So far, it's kinda how it was before with less sexy talk (though I did send him a sexy pic while I was high 😬 but he said he liked it and would like hook up again). We finally talked about it and he would love to have something with me, but he can't offer what I deserve, time commitment-wise. So we'll just keep texting, I guess. Honestly, I can't stop thinking about how he first kissed me, how good the sex was and I often pull up the intentional shirtless selfie because he's really fucking hot. I have a problem and his name is Beau #5.

FWB #1: Straight, 2 years older than me, 6'1", works for some sort of non-profit (I think). We met on Feeld. I was high on our first date (unintentionally) and having a beer made it worse. But even with that, I realized I definitely didn't want to date him. He is excellent in foreplay (definitely a pleasure dom), but mediocre at sex. He's definitely too tall for me to want to date (when you're over 5'10", your face is too far away for kissing), but he's nice to have in my back pocket for when I want to get laid.

I also went on 2 dates with a bisexual guy who is only 5'9", an ad exec and is 3 years younger than me. The conversation flowed well and while I wasn't sure if we had chemistry, he kissed me while we were waiting for my bus and yup, there definitely was chemistry.

We had a very successful second date that resulted in an accidental hickey. It was totally one of these:

We also had a good talk about expectations. He's not poly and isn't really interested in it, but is perfectly comfortable with me being poly and hearing about my other relationships. Before we met, we were chatting the afternoon where I was finally meeting Possibly Beau #5 and he said, "Get it, girl!" and was happy to hear that I got it. Ultimately, he was looking for a long term monogamous relationship, but he was also content with seeing me in the meantime. He recently told me his ex asked to get back together and he said yes.

I'm honestly not sad about it because I didn't like him as much as my beaus. I mean, I did like him, but the connection wasn't as strong as it is with my beaus. I didn't even feeling any NRE with him really. But I enjoyed the companionship and sex.

The Tree: so I had the following in my Feeld profile

I was striking out with the really tall guys. Some were fake. A few seemed interested and then disconnected (the worst was when I sent one a sexy photo and he disconnected with me upon seeing it). I've been talking to one who is actually 50, but doesn't look it at all. I've been trying for months to get together with him, but he's got 4 kids in their teens and 20s and is just too busy. It's a shame because he's really hot.

Finally, I matched with The Tree. He's 6'4" and straight (possibly heteroflexible, as he's interested in being in an MMF) and 2 years younger than me. I met him and it turns out I actually really like him. Like honestly, if he were at least 6" shorter, he'd be 100% my type.

My curiosity is the logistics of having sex with someone over a foot taller than me. The tallest guy I ever dated was maybe 5'10" and then, as I said before, FWB #1 is 6'1". I also have very short legs (25" inseam), so that could make things even more complicated.

We've been doing the FWB thing for a bit now and I don't think I could have picked a better specimen, TBH. I mean, there was one who looked like Matthew Gray Gubler that I was very interested in, but he had a very sparse profile and well, he didn't like my sexy pic (unmatched after I sent it 😒). It's definitely a novelty, but we have fun. And he actually has asked me if I wanted to get together, so it's nice not to always be the one asking for a booty call.

Recently, I've had rough times with Beau #4 and my spouse and he's really been there for me in a way I would not expect from a fuck buddy. But I guess we're more than that. We are definitely friends and I can tell he really cares about me. I mean, anyone who'll let you cry all over them clearly does. I'd honestly like to date him, despite him being freakishly tall, but he's been dealing with a messy breakup for awhile and he's just not ready for a relationship. But he's been amazing to me (and not just in bed) and I really think there could be something there once our lives become less of shitshows.

FWB #2: Straight, 5'7", 3½ years older than me. We met on Hinge. He was actually the first person I talked to on there. There's definitely not a romantic connection there, but I do like him a lot. We have a lot of good conversations. He's actually available most nights, so he'll be the one I text first when I need to get laid. He is also excellent in bed, so even better.

Lady #1: My friend's partner. Originally met on Hinge, but met organically in person, 5'3", 5 years younger than me, bi. Her partner was actually the guy who Beau #4 was going to let have me, not knowing he wasn't my type. I walked into our local poly cocktails one night and went over to say hi to him and she was sitting across from him. "We're talking on Hinge!" she exclaimed. NGL, I was feeling a little awkward about it, especially since her partner was giving off some more than friendly vibes to me, but he was actually excited that we matched and had been talking. He even gave her my number so we could text and coordinate a date.

We went on a date (drinks) and had some good conversations about homebuying (her and her partner just put in an offer on a house) and dating (straight men are horrible). I wasn't sure how it actually went because when we were parting ways, she hugged me goodbye and ran away to her bus stop. And no, her bus was not coming because I was on the same side of the street, walking away from her stop and the bus would have passed me by. We were supposed to have a cute thrifting date, but she had to cancel because of a work thing 😕 She admitted later that she wasn't feeling romantic vibes, but definitely wants to be friends. She also said she's open to things changing in the future, so we'll see how that goes.

Lady #2: Pansexual, 5'4", 5 years older than me, met on Hinge. We had some fun banter back and forth for awhile and then she asked me out. We went out to a local lesbian bar and had some good conversation while we were there. She's a sex therapist, which could be interesting, and also very kinky. The date went well. We ended up making out at the bus stop. We went on 2 other dates that went very well, but never managed to get a 4th date planned, mostly because my life blew up. But she also has tried to be helpful while I've been dealing with the blow up and I really appreciate that. I think she might just be keeping her distance, which is totally fair. She recently got some bad health news and is focusing on her health, so that's that.

[lenteur]

random thoughts about castaway diva, episode (sau)six

(read more because i always get carried away lol and this post might contain spoilers)

now that i think about it, one thing is bothering me. Why is mr jung so obsessed with finding ki ho only? Didn't he mention there were four members in the family? So why is he so adamant on finding his son ki ho and not the other one? I'm confused. It's true that we didn't see the older in the first episodes so I'm wondering if the brother was already with the mother when ki ho was still in chunsam. It might have been mentioned the brother was already with the mother. I'm not sure.

The whole family wants to keep mr jung a secret and pretend nothing happened. Makes you wonder how far he (mr jung) went. No, I don't want to think about it. I just noticed how the mother is always limping. Mr Jung is a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad person.

I'm glad we finally got answers but I would be happier if mr jung was behind bars and the whole family can live in peace.

On another note, I am so happy to see president hwang keeping his promise and re-realeasing old ran joo albums. Let's cross fingers she'll reach the 20 million mark before the end of her contract.

I'm grateful that the show doesn't only focus on the ki ho story, they're also giving time for ran joo's story to develop. I just want this whole mess to be over and ran joo must win or else, i'll riot!!!

I've already talked about it but the little details are everything. You can see how rnj company treats ran joo and mok ha like they're less than them. They don't let them know about eun mo rae appearing on heyday again. The Heyday cast treating eun mo rae's manager with way more respect than mok ha. Everyone wants them to fail. It's unfair because there's an obvious power imbalance between ran joo and mok ha vs the rest of the company. Rnj (company) have a lot of connections. The CEO is literally a millionaire, even a billionaire (idk). And then you have ran joo who has been forgotten for her behavior and vocal nodule. The only person on her side is mok ha, a woman that has lived on a deserted island for fifteen years and has a hard time adjusting to the world. No wonder they have a difficult time reaching that goal.

Eun mo rae's manager is as evil and manipulative as lee seo jun. He's blackmailing mok ha into shutting up and agreeing with everything he asked for appearing in heyday again.

I feel for both ran joo and mo rae because lee seo jun is only going to be profiting from them until they're no longer 'young and fresh'. He only describes them as 'cash cows'. He doesn't hold the same value he used to when he was a nobody and ran joo chose him as her new ceo. Money changes people and lee seo jun is a great example of that.

I was worried eun mo rae would just be a filler character but no, the show is giving us the whole backstory behind her career. I am sorry that she knows she was the second choice. If Mok ha was at seoul station to meet with ran joo, then eun mo rae wouldn't be where she is now. She must have a lot of pent up frustration and anger. She idolized ran joo when she was younger but now that she knows ran joo doesn't like her (for many reasons), the image she had of her idol is now broken (like her heart).

There are so any character relations and that's what makes the show good imo. Eun mo rae and ran joo's rivalry is interesting to see.

At this point, I just want bo geol to tell mok ha he is in fact ki ho because this whole back and forth between being caring and all of a sudden distant is tiring me out.

I know he's protecting both himself and mok ha from his father because, once the truth is out, there's no guarantee the boar (mr jung) will leave them alone. Ki ho has tried time and time again to escape from his father but he would be back with him because he is his father. No matter how ab*sive mr jung was, police would bring ki ho back to him because they're related. That's why he changed his entire identity. The psychological damage mr jung has put on the whole family is unfathomable.

Talking about mr jung, here's my theory on why he's obsessed with finding ki ho. So, as we know they were a family of four until the father hit woo hak (forgot his old name) on the head with a chair. The mother didn't leave woo hak for even a second (which is understandable of course). So that left ki ho and mr jung. Ki ho was the only one in the family brave enough to stand up to mr jung. Ki ho's brother and the mom were trying to appease the tension by lying to the father or agreeing with what he was saying in fear of being hit. I think ki ho being the youngest, his patience wasn't as strong as his momand brother's. He was the one admitting to wanting to run away from him. He was the one who said he'd be happier without his dad here. Ki ho got tired and he exploded purely and simply. Mr Jung was so used to everyone being obedient that ki ho's outburst was the final straw. Mr Jung took ki ho with him to chunsam island and that's where the real nightmare started (he was already living it before but in chunsam it was like the ultimate level). Ki ho had no one with him, no one to help him forget for even a second what was going on at home. He was alone. Even when he and mok ha got closer, he didn't confide in her. He kept everything in himself, because he knew the moment he talked his father would find out and make him pay for it. Ki ho is so strong for surviving all of this. He helped mok ha escape from her father, but he couldn't escape from his. Mr Jung won't stop until he finds ki ho, because he's the key to finding the mom and the brother.

The thing that's telling me ki ho and his father living on chunsam island happened after the chair incident is because when the father saw ki ho saved money to try and escape he said something along the lines of "Did you find her (the mom)? Is that why you saved all that money?" He wouldn't have said it if chunsam happened before seoul. Or maybe my brain is too tired and confusing a thing for another.

If the two previous points didn't make any sense to you, it's normal. When I'm trying to explain something that's deep and complex, I have a hard time finding the right words and writing coherent sentences. Sorry for that ehe.

Mok ha confronting eun mo rae was a sweet sweet moment. Both rivals finally meeting and mok ha not backing out. I'm proud of her. When nobody is on her side, mok ha proves she can take care of things on her own.

Bo geol being subtle about his way of helping mok ha is doing things to my heart 💓

this was a good episode, i'll give it a 8.75/10