#he was right in not pursuing love lust relationships etc.

[ekleiipsis]

i do think that jason doesn’t have the mental availability to enter a relationship, nor does he want to enter one because of what it entails (love) however i do believe jk is an outlier to that. i think because of the violent, atypical relationship they have where they’re not emotionally communicative or expressive, unless it’s anger or any other “negative” emotion, jason is able to rationalize that their relationship, because of its abnormality and failure to meet the typical relationship standards, isn’t love, therefore can stomach it. what i’m trying to say is that if kyle were to reject jason’s taunts and refuse to respond to them verbally/emotionally or otherwise be emotionally mature when interacting with jason then jason would have never (?) entered a relationship with kyle because that would mean he would have to accept all the “positive” emotions that come with entering a healthy relationship (love, trust, affection, etc.) which jason has been frequently been shown to not partake in to avoid feelings of rejection/betrayal

[ziggynovaks]

general details.

full name:  zigmund novak.

nickname(s): zig, ziggy, z.

name meaning:  zigmund: victorious protector, novak: novice.

age:  19.

date of birth:  february 13th.

place of birth: mississauga, canada.

current location: toronto, canada.

ethnicity: nexican and colombian.

gender: cismale.

pronouns: he/him.

sexual orientation: heterosexual.

romantic orientation: heteromantic.

religion: raised catholic, currently nonpracticing.

occupation:  drug dealer / Uber, lyft, etc driver.

education level: currently a freshman at winchester university and majoring in culinary arts with a minor in hospitality.

living arrangements: dorm on campus with jt but he’s rarely there, spends most night with his girlfriend, bianca or best friend, tiny.

spoken languages:  spanish, english.

physical appearance, etc.

faceclaim:  diego tinoco.

hair color and style: black, currently growing back after having his head shaved.

eye color: brown.

height: 5’9.

tattoos:   yes, will add later.

piercings:  right earlobe, usually has a diamond stud in it.

clothing style: lots of sleeveless tees, leather jacket, jeans, kinda grunge kinda cholo depends on the day.

distinguishing characteristics: his smile.

signature scent:  smoky, woodsy, cloves, warm.

health.

allergies:  seasonal.

sleeping habits:  night owl. can sleep 3 hrs or 30 if you let him. deep sleeper. difficult to wake up. loves sleep tbh.

eating habits:  loves food and as a culinary major he's always trying new things. big snacker.

addictions:  none.

drug use:  regularly smokes weed/consumes and makes edibles. isn't opposed to taking molly. never wants to try any hard drugs.

alcohol use: beer, nearly daily. hard liquor, socially.

personality.

positive traits:  loyal, caring, charming, flirtatious, independent.

negative traits: short tempered, unserious, dimwitted, headstrong, rebellious.

goals and ambitions: to get out of the gang life, open his own thc infused fine dining restaurant one day, and repair his relationship with his family. 

astrology: aquarius sun, aries moon, libra rising.

personality type:  isfp.

moral alignment: chaotic neutral.

hogwarts house: hufflepuff.

element:  fire.

primary vice:  wrath or lust.

primary virtue:  diligence.

family, relationships, etc.

mother: diana novak.

father:  gabriel novak.

significant other: bianca de sousa.

best friend: tiny bell.

exes: tba.

sibling(s): one younger brother.

children: none.

headcanons.

his secret is he sold the drugs that lead to someone's overdose.

he feels really guilty and paranoid about it.

he was kicked out of his parents house when he was 15 for being involved in vince's gang.

he'd gotten our for awhile through a the help of a program that taught him how to cook and work on the line at a restaurant. 

it didn't last and he found himself back in the gang life a couple of years later.

he did however stick with cooking, it's the only thing he feels he's good at and he enjoys feeding people.

dreamt of pursuing music one day but felt he wasn't good enough to be the rockstar he wanted after getting rejected by every music program he applied to during his senior year of hs.

he initially was going to skip college altogether after his rejections as he didn't have the grades or see the need to but, saw it as a way to expand business. after spending his summer picking up his grades in a remedial program, he was accepted to winchester.

I'll add more later.

[honey-and-diamonds]

ive been thinking a lot about phayu's perspective as he falls in irrevocable love with rain. for all intents and purposes, a successful, wealthy, confident man like phayu should NOT be so intrigued by a chaotic, ill-mannered college freshman like rain.

the show makes it a point to say that phayu could have ANYONE he wanted-- he has the looks and the charm and the experience. so why was he so intrigued by rain? well, just because phayu could have anyone, doesn't mean he wants to settle for just anyone. it's obvious that he wants to be with someone who will give phayu their submission. a 24/7 D/s relationship is DIFFICULT to maintain, esp if the parties involved arent completely committed to it. i can imagine phayu has been burned a few times, giving his heart to someone who he thinks might want the same things he does, only for them to find him too intense, too domineering, too overbearing, etc etc. it's not a lifestyle for everyone.

initially, phayu is intrigued by rain because he's pretty, he seems sweet, and he's a little bratty-- perfect for a low-stakes one night stand that probably might keep phayu and his Dominant desires sated for a while. when he first brings rain back to the garage and tries to seduce him, rain is the perfect picture of submission with resistance-- until phayu realizes that they both misunderstood the situation completely. but now that phayu has had a taste of what rain could be like for him... now his interest is piqued.

the scene in the restroom cements everything for phayu. at first, phayu is testing the waters, and rain is resistant in a way that is unclear whether it's because of his bratty nature or if he genuinely doesn't like whats happening. there's a moment when phayu is teasing rain where he pulls away to check in, only to find rain limp, throat bared, eyes closed, mouth open, completely lust-drunk, and phayu raises his eyebrows, like, oh. i think that's when phayu really sees who rain really is, what he wants, what he likes, even if rain doesn't realize it himself. that's the moment phayu realizes that rain might be exactly who he's been looking for all along.

when rain breaks into the illegal street race, it really hits phayu how important rain is to him. the man was absolutely FURIOUS with terror because something horrible could have happened to rain. the only other time we've ever seen phayu lose his temper is when stop spit on one of his bikes-- a disrespect phayu cannot stand for. phayu cares deeply for this boy. suddenly, it's not just a game of teasing, a potentially satisfying one night stand. this is something much more, something phayu can't just let go of without a fight.

but just because phayu wants rain SERIOUSLY now, doesn't mean he's going to throw himself at rain. that's not his style, and it wouldn't be right for them. i mentioned earlier that it's very likely phayu has been burned before by liking people who he thought wanted the same things. his walls are a mile high, so he's not going to jump into this relationship and dynamic with rain without making absolutely sure that rain is committed. when rain issues his "challenge" to make phayu fall in love with him, phayu readily accepts-- but he won't sit idly by. he's going to test rain in every way. he wants so badly for rain to be on the same page as him, but rain isn't there yet. but he could be. so phayu bides his time.

there's a bit of a learning curve with rain. there's an important difference between rain pursuing phayu as reckless revenge, and rain pursuing phayu because he genuinely likes phayu and the dynamic they have. it's a huge obstacle to get over, rain accepting that he desires phayu and his attention, and wants a real relationship with him. that's when he begins his pursuit in earnest, and when phayu starts reciprocating. and he discovers how perfect rain.

i think what phayu wants more than anything else is to be loved by somebody who loves him as deeply and intensely as he himself knows he can. but the situation with rain's failed project highlights what hugely different stages of life they're in. phayu is finding out exactly how stubborn, resilient, and devoted rain can be, even to his detriment. but rain has been so good up until now, and phayu cant punish him. so he issues his final challenge-- be a responsible adult, because phayu wants a responsible, adult relationship. he also says it out of concern for rain-- he doesn't want rain to fail in pursuit of something that is still so unsure. it's the final hurdle, and it will either make or break this budding relationship.

and BOY does rain pass with flying colors. he pulls himself together, works his ass off in a way he likely never has (and was probably very difficult for him) all to prove himself worthy to stand beside phayu. and when he comes to phayu, waiting for him for hours in the pouring rain, to tell him what he's done, it's the point of no return for phayu. i can only imagine how shell-shocked, elated, emotional phayu must have been, to have someone do all this for him, to reciprocate phayu's intense desires and want him just as badly. even when phayu fucked up with the dead phone, rain still waited for him. that's the moment. the point of no return. he's going to give this silly, sweet, wonderful boy everything he has.

their first time is so deeply sweet and intense. you can really see phayu's devotion, the way he worships rain's body, the way he can't be parted from rain for even a second, touching and kissing him in some way. and rain responds so beautifully to all this attention, baring his throat, baring his whole body for phayu's pleasure. rain is absolutely delirious with pleasure, from what phayu is doing to him. outside of the bedroom and inside, rain is perfect for phayu. they want the same things. they slot together perfectly, like they were made for each other, fulfilling each other's desires and needs.

and when they both climax, phayu holds him so tightly, undone, and rain looks like he's going to pass out, head lolling to the side like he's had his brains fucked out. and when phayu tells rain to say he belongs to phayu, rain does, without even a second of hesitation. it's a deeply moving moment of two people who have found their perfect match.

but once theyre in a relationship, they continue to grow and learn about themselves and each other. i don't think phayu has gotten this far with anyone before-- in a committed D/s relationship long term. it shows after the fight with stop when rain says he moves to slowly and phayu frowns in confusion (cute!!) and rain has to take the initiative this time. he continues to be the best boyfriend-- cooling phayu's temper, helping out with the business, even breaking out of their dynamic for a moment to be completely serious about the race with stop, refusing to concede and submit this time. it probably meant a lot of phayu, having someone who cares so much about his well-being.

i think it's no surprise that when rain rides phayu in their iconic scene, phayu is absolutely ruined. it's written so obviously that rain has completely destroyed him for anyone else. it's the blatant desire, the nasty sex, the proclamation that rain is the happiest when he's with phayu. rain is IT for phayu. he's been so guarded for so long, but he found someone who fits with him and brings him so much happiness and joy and satisfaction to his life. when done right, a D/s lifestyle like phayu and rain's is a deeply fulfilling thing. i know they both will guard their precious love.

[poppy-metal]

Another anon mentioned something about Eren with a secretary and now I'm just thinking of smutty office au headcanons. Eren and a few of the guys in the office (Jean, Connie, etc) just standing around drinking coffee checking out their strict superior who they all think is hot af. She's constantly busy, sophisticated, extremely intelligent and always bossing them around. Meanwhile they're staring at the way the tight pencil skirt she wears hugs her big ass perfectly and how you can often see the color of her bra under her shirt. They talk among each other about how much they'd love to fuck her and just dirty shit in general like whether she'd be loud in bed, whether she gives good head and whether she spits or swallows, etc. This leads to them constantly being shouted at by her for slacking off and telling them to get to work which they find cute, hot and kinda scary at the same time. Though despite lusting over her during work hours most guys either are already in relationships or dont have the balls to pursue her. Except Eren who adamantly says with full conviction that he's gonna make her his to which his friends scoff at him like "yeah right" since Eren is the biggest pain in the ass for her both figuratively since he annoys her on all levels, and physically since he's known to spank her ass on multiple occasions in the office but she grits her teeth and doesnt get him fired for it since he's talented and does good work, and also for other reasons she wont admit to herself (but she does berate the hell out of him and give him a hard slap on the face almost every time). He also does the cliche thing of knocking things off his desk so when she passes him she has to bend over and give him a perfect view of her ass (which always backfires on him becoz then he has a raging hard on and cant focus on his work). Anyways I really dunno where I'm going with this but I love the idea of horny bastard subordinate Eren wanting to fuck the life out of his sexy, sophisticated superior and the increasing sexual tension between the 2 until it inevitably explodes and they become coworkers with benefits or something (and end up fucking in the office at some point). LOOK PEOPLE IN OFFICE UNIFORMS ARE HOT OK BOTH MEN AND WOMEN! Just imagining Eren with his hair tied back and a pair of reading glasses on, with his shirt sleeves rolled up showing off his beefy biceps as he bites the end of a pen and his bottom lip whilst partly focusing on his work and partly checking out his superiors ass as she sorts out some documents on the desk in front of him.

The last image you left me w is making me want to black out, FUVK. him w pushed up sleeves n a white dress shirt, glasses, hair in a bun w a few strands falling in his face god....

to him, this is all foreplay. you're sleeping with him, period. but this game of cat and mouse is so fun, the fact that you're still in denial abt the fact that he's gonna have that ass bent over your oval office desk is cute really :( keep thinking that, kay?

[theanimeview]

AnimeNEXT - Asexuality in the Anime Fandom - Discussion! (Not Notes?!)

By: Peggy Sue Wood | @pswediting​

This was going to be a "Notes” post, but since no note-taking was done, I decided to invite you all into a discussion with me. 

At AnimeNEXT this year (2021), James Williams hosted the panel “Asexuality in the Anime Fandom.” The panel description was as follows, “Many anime fans identify themselves as asexual, and many asexual characters appear in anime. Join a discussion about asexuality in the anime fandom, led by an openly asexual anime fan with autism who has enjoyed anime since childhood.”

Part One & Three (and subsequent parts) of the panel were just reflections by the host on their experience with asexuality--from finding themselves to finding the anime fandom and the experiences they have had in the community thus far. Part Two went into representation found in anime. In fact, the title of Part Two is: “What asexual representation can be found within anime and related fandoms?” In which, Williams discusses that there are a lot of characters that show ace-tendencies; however, as I continued to listen I decided I needed to step in (not literally) and address the topic. 

This is a topic I--Peggy--am passionate about, which is why I want to open a discussion here and make my own additions. 

When people generally talk about “ace-tendencies” in an anime or manga, they are often pointing to characters that don’t show an interest in forming a love-based relationship with another character. And that’s not--critically speaking--an asexual character. 

Now, there is nothing wrong with seeing a part of yourself in a character or applying your own interpretation to one as Williams does in this panel. However, again--critically speaking--the standards for representation should at least be able to withstand scrutiny equal to a college level paper. (If my interpretation of Dr. Frankenstein displaying homosexual-tendencies had too--so should this, is my humble opinion.)

Plenty of people on a regular basis may have no interest in forming relationships with those around them. I know lots of people who didn’t date in high school because they weren’t ready and as an adult I’ve found even more that don’t want to be in relationship but do want to have sex. And, really, it’s the sex part that defines the character. 

In the romance genre, we can’t say that characters like Makoto Sunakawa from My Love Story or Umetarou Nozaki from Monthly Girls' Nozaki-kun are asexual just because they don’t show sexual interest in another character. But people sometimes declare them to be asexual, when--in reality--we just don’t know. More likely than not, Umetarou Nozaki is just dumber than a doornail and busy with work/school so he's not focused on a relationship right now. And Makoto Sunakawa, who is constantly getting offers and recognizes that a lot of people just like him for his looks is probably less interested in sex or forming a relationship than others because he knows they don’t like him for him and because many of the girls offering are mean to his best friend. He does go out with Yukika Amami once, but ultimately rejects her feelings because he’s not interested in the relationship. Still, that is NOT a clear sign of asexuality. 

In recent history, I can only think of a few really well implied asexual characters in media, one being the main character of the webnovel(?) I Became the First Prince in which a sword becomes human and literally shows no interest in people sexually despite having women regularly, verbally sexualized around him by other men and even some men being described very handsomely (at least not in the 150+ chapters I’ve read so far). It’s that overt introduction of sexual opportunity and the full lack of not only a response (blushing, commentary, etc.) but any lust-implied interest in another for their body. It’s just another person they care for but have no interest in physically pursuing. That, in my mind, is a representation of “ace-tendencies” unlike some of the examples given in the panel or in many listicles you may find online.

And, of course, characters like Izaya Orihara from Durarara!! who outright states asexuality (as in, he says he has no interest in males or females though he does not use the asexual label verbally), are legit representations. Another example would be Shouko Tanimoto from The Case Files of Jeweler Richard and I’m sure there are a few more. I think characters that the author has declared to be asexual could also count, although I usually leave out author statements (I’m a pretty die-hard supporter of the “death of the author” critical theory). Still, characters like Peridot from Steven Universe would count, by creator commentary, as would Alastor from Hazbin Hotel. 

I’d be interested in hearing from you all about this subject. Both in terms of representation, whether or not the standards I’ve described match yours, and how you see representation in the medium--maybe your experiences in the fandom if you identify as ace. (Seriously, feel free to reply to this post, reblog with a comment, or reach out to me. I’d love to discuss it more.) 

That being said, and in conclusion, I don’t think that this panel was really a discussion about asexuality in anime or the anime fandom so much as a discussion of the host/guest’s experiences. Was it a bad panel? No. It just is not a panel that required or invited a notes post. Nor did it really open a discussion as it was mostly two people reflecting and talking to each other about how they see representation and what their experiences have been.

So, what are your thoughts? I look forward to hearing them.

[livlepretre]

Hey so this is something I meant to ask a while ago, but I totally forgot about it until like five minutes ago. A few chapters ago, Klaus told Elena he hadn’t slept with anyone in years. Is this a head canon you have about Klaus? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought I remembered you saying you thought he would have been sexually reckless in his very early vampire years. If you do think he’s been celibate more recently, is this because he was kind of a paranoid reclusive for a while there? I feel like what I’m asking has different responses based on which universe we are speaking about—whether that be canon, FE canon, or SWBS canon. Cuz like I could see you needing to add that in there so there’s no possibility Klaus has gotten other women pregnant recently in the SWBS narrative. Long story short, I guess I just want to know if there was a reason for this specific line and how you head canon Klaus’s sex life has been over the course of a thousand years.

oh my God YESSSS I love this ask haha

I think that Klaus lost his virginity to Tatia Petrova, and she was the only woman he ever slept with as a human. (She was also sleeping with Elijah, but I do think she was in love with both of them but Elijah was the one who offered that shot at getting married/having a better life, and Tatia was enough of a realist to try-- unsuccessfully-- to break it off with Klaus, but that’s a whole other headcanon.) 

Her death fucked him up pretty much permanently. I think his whole “love is a vampire’s greatest weakness” thing is a result of this tragedy-- this was him turning his heart to stone after having it utterly broken. And of course... also turning his heart to stone in the wake of not even knowing how Tatia felt about him in the end-- was she using him? Stringing him along? Did she really love him back? He’ll never know, because his parents murdered her in the most gruesome and terrifying way possible. 

This doesn’t mean he doesn’t indulge his appetites though. He and his siblings quickly descend into lusts of every sort-- their bloodlust and their sexual appetites intermingle, get confused-- Klaus dabbles with women, playing games with consent and seduction using compulsion, egged on by Kol, and even Elijah, and egging them on in turn. His lovers are often his victims, especially in those early days, when he had less control over his appetites and left a lot more bodies in his wake. It wouldn’t be very long before the list included men as well as women, and those early years would have been almost like a kind of frenzy-- a savagery fueled by the madness of the curse, the fact that their lives had been ripped apart by their parents whom they should have been able to trust, by the dark maw of his grief. 

I think he and Rebekah would have become lovers sometime around 10, 20 years into being vampires-- the subtext of the show supports their incest-- they’re just too weird together!-- and I headcanon that he would have been the one to take her virginity. It would have to be far enough into their curse that by then all of the social mores prohibiting various cruelties and abominations like sibling incest would have been stripped from them-- they were already delighting in murder, torture, rape, etc by then for some time, slaves to their own damnations-- but soon enough after the turn that Rebekah wouldn’t have fallen in love with someone/had the opportunity to have a lover. I could see this being something that would spur Klaus’s possessiveness-- and he’s very possessive of Rebekah. I don’t even see it as romantic in any way-- I think sex for Klaus is largely a mechanism of control and dominance, and he exerts it over Rebekah, his favorite sibling, his pet, the very most. Any hint that she’s going to stray from him, or give her heart, loyalties, and affection elsewhere, and he uses his sexual hold on her to keep her there, and kills the lover for good measure. (Why just Rebekah? Because I don’t actually think the incest extends elsewhere... except maaaybbeee Kol/Rebekah... well, because 1) she’s the only girl and Klaus is definitely misogynistic enough to view this as a weakness or something he can control 2) she’s younger, and her personality is easier to control than Kol, who is a wild child and bucks authority on top of being as suspicious and paranoid as Klaus, or Elijah, who is Klaus’s equal and whose wrath Klaus is always always wary of.) 

So, for a very long time, I think that Klaus sleeps around in a casually vicious way, with Rebekah as his only long-term, on again-off again lover (although, there are probably some mistresses here and there, and probably some witches too, who might last a bit longer, or who might make it out alive), until we get to Katerina. 

Katerina. The woman with Tatia’s face. A duplicate, body and soul. She’s the greatest danger Klaus has faced since his turning, because she’s the one girl his heart might be vulnerable to. So he shores himself up even more. Strengthens that wall of stone around his heart, and keeps himself cold to her. He can’t resist taking her as his lover, of course, or keeping her as his mistress while he gathers the resources necessary to sacrifice her. But all the while, even while he has her in his bed every night, even as he’s plotting her murder, he’s seething with fury and jealousy. He’s envious of Elijah, who falls in love with her, plain and simple; envious of Trevor, even, for the same reason... because she is the one woman he wants, but he’s also too selfish to ever contemplate doing anything other than murdering her for the sake of obtaining his power, so she is also the one woman he cannot have. And he cannot ever allow himself to love her, because he will definitely kill her. And he’s furious when Elijah comes up with a plan to save her, because Klaus is also afraid of Katerina. Afraid of that possibility that if he falls in love, it will be a weakness, just like his love for Tatia was a grave weakness. The thing that was his undoing oh so long ago. 

Of course, Katerina runs, and Klaus feels this proves him absolutely right about her. 

A few more centuries pass. I think with time we see his bloodlust slaked, and more and more of his bedmates survive the encounters. He grows bored, and restless. There’s no more hope for ever breaking the curse, and so his life feels very static. He has nothing to look forward to specifically. He takes lovers here and there, and he falls in and out of Rebekah’s bed, but nothing touches that stone heart of his. 

This changes pretty significantly in the 20s. By then he’s suffered a harrowing blow. The family is broken apart, and it’s just him and Rebekah-- really just him and Rebekah, indefinitely-- for the first time he can ever recall. 

This is when Stefan joins the picture... Stefan, whom Rebekah adores, but who can be something different than every other lover Rebekah has had-- he can be that missing brother for Klaus-- who is looking for someone to fill the void now that Elijah (and Kol, and Marcel, but honestly not Finn because he’s been daggered for eight centuries) is gone. And because Klaus’s ideas about sex and power and sibling love are all screwed up, and because Stefan is charming and handsome and fun, Rebekah and Stefan’s affair quickly becomes Rebekah and Stefan and Klaus’s affair-- the three of them all tangled up together. And it’s precarious but Rebekah will take whatever she can have and Klaus is greedy for emotional fulfillment and Stefan is high all the time and having a great time having great sex so he doesn’t take any of it as seriously as he definitely should. 

Then of course there is the separation. 

I think during this long time period Klaus probably continues his pattern of casual sexual flings, but I doubt he really gets close to anyone. In fact, other than Rebekah or Katerina, I have the feeling that Stefan is the only other person he was sexually involved with that he really cared about. That’s why he wanted him back in 2010 when he ran into him again and the timing seemed right. 

I guess this now gets into the present-- my feeling isn’t so much that Klaus has been celibate as a matter of choice or paranoia or anything (although, he is paranoid, which is why he hasn’t fallen in love again in a thousand years), just that he is simply so old that years might pass between flings and he doesn’t really notice. It doesn’t seem like that long for him necessarily-- years can feel like weeks at this point-- and he’s grown pickier as he’s gotten older-- someone has to interest him for him to pursue, and it takes more and more to interest him now than it did before. 

Like, the show does suggest to me that Klaus may have been sleeping with Greta Martin, and that would fall directly in line with his MO-- we’ve seen him sleep with witches before, and we know that power does interest him. He’s not exactly upset by her death though, even though he seemed to like her-- also in line with how he refuses to become emotionally invested in his lovers. 

I do think though that he was sleeping with Stefan in that summer they spent together-- again, Stefan is an exception to the rule, although he’s not in love with Stefan-- Stefan slides into that weird Klaus category of “brother,” which is a gray area muddled in with lover for him-- essentially the same place that Rebekah occupies, but without the same levels of (faint) protection that actually being Klaus’s blood sibling provides. It’s fascinating to me that Klaus would reinitiate the affair with Stefan without returning Stefan’s memories-- it implies that he wanted Stefan’s devotion pure and simple, like making him fall into his orbit again to see if it will happen again, but it also implies a selfishness and greed for Stefan’s devotion, because he wants it focused on himself and not at all to share with Rebekah. 

I’m sure there was a wild week or two where they all resumed their relationship when Rebekah was reawakened before Klaus discovered Stefan had been lying all summer about Elena. 

My last thought on all of this is to do with Klaus and Elena. I’ve pondered and pondered and pondered why Klaus would choose to kill Jenna when Elena had already promised to go along with him willingly, obviously for the sake of her loved ones, and I had to think he was angry with her and taking it out on her that he had to kill her at all-- because there was a part of Klaus that wanted her for himself, and he couldn’t have her because, once again, he’s way too selfish to ever consider doing anything other than securing his own power. 

I suppose this takes us up to the present.

I put that line in SWBS but left it intentionally easy to misconstrue-- Klaus says he hasn’t had a woman in years, which makes it clear that there’s been no one  he could have gotten pregnant, but there’s been some subtext with Stefan’s responses to Elena sleeping with Klaus that imply that he has that history with Klaus himself-- I think the only fic I have where I wrote it without assuming that Stefan and Klaus were sleeping together that summer was After the Fire, But Before the Flood, but that was only because I wrote most of it before season 3 aired/before that season 3 promo ignited the Klaus x Stefan alarm bells in my brain. So anyway, in SWBS, Klaus and Stefan have that recent sexual history, and Klaus was probably sleeping with Rebekah a bit before Mystic Falls too, but does Klaus even see her as a woman? Doubtful, honestly. There’s something else going on there. 

I’m pretty fluid though in terms of what I think Klaus’s recent sexual history is-- sometimes like in Just A Glimpse, he’s been sleeping with Greta, sometimes the affair with Rebekah and Stefan is full steam ahead like in Fairytale Ending, and sometimes it all fizzles on him like in SWBS. 

I do still think it’s hilarious and amazing that the only time Klaus canonically sleeps with someone in TVD it’s because Hayley negs him into oblivion with her (entirely fair and accurate) assessment of his artwork. 

[ask-the-clergy-bc]

What would you think about headcanons for the papas realizing they're falling in love with someone close to them (i.e. an assistant, close friend, etc.)? Super specific, I know, but it was an idea I got super interested in on the fly lmao

I love this so much, it’s actually one of my favorite ways to look into their characters romantically!! Hope you enjoy this! 

Also, I feel like it’s a given but I always want to point out that there will be very blatant power imbalances when it comes to the Assistant Reader and the Papas- simply from their place of power and titles. I can go back and add a tag to this if anyone needs! 

Papas/Copia realizing they are falling for a reader who is close to them!

Papa Nihil:

Nihil has only experienced love like this only a handful of times (Don’t tell Sister!) Imperator was one of the strongest connections he ever felt, and the first time he was hit by true love. But over the decades their relationship was put in a strain. Especially when you came into his life. Originally you were part of a small group of Siblings who attended Nihil. But, eventually it became just you who turned to his personal assistant. Not just from his favor but you were the only one who could handle the workload and challenges of the job. Others just fell out of it and were dismissed. Plus, Sister Imperator saw great potential in you. Nihil started noticing his change in feelings toward you some time into your position as Grand Papa’s personal assistant. It was more comforting and easy going with you around. 

Nihil wasn’t sure to laugh at himself or shake his head when you took your first vacation, leaving him with a sub par substitute. You being gone made him sad, lonely, and aching for your return. That’s when he knew he had it bad for you. You always made his day and you both communicated well. Not to mention that you shared so much in common. Papa Nihil felt he bonded with you in a way he hadn’t felt in years. And, he wasn’t about to let you get away! When you came back he did usher you away to a private place and confess his feelings to you. Being blunt and straight admitting that he couldn’t picture his life without you. Nihil gives you the chance to accept or decline of course, seeing as this could turn your professional life in the clergy upside down. You have no idea how pleased he is when you accept! 

Papa I:

You had worked with Papa for years now. You wouldn’t call yourself one of his students, nor one of his personal secretaries. But you were always one of his go to Siblings of sin for rituals, under work, and various projects the Papa would assign. You had been there for everything between helping the man research, to gathering ritual supplies, and even attending his gardens. To Papa, you were a valued member of the flock and one of the hardest workers he had met in the Ministry. Honestly, it was no wonder to the man why he felt so fondly of you. Papa knew immediately he was attracted to you. At first it was a casual attraction, yes he found you attractive but he was more intrigued by your point of view and your mind. He longed to get to know you more. Papa is not one to beat around the bush, and quite bluntly asked if you wished to pursue anything more. 

You accepted, even though you wanted to take things very slow. And Papa was happy to respect you. Your relationship was very platonic for a long time, and Papa valued your company more than anything. The more time spent together the stronger your relationship. For Papa, it was a welcome change to have a more friendly and deep companion than one that served to warm his bed. It didn’t surprise him the day he watched you work with his personal garden did he realize you meant the world to him. That no other person understood and loved him the way that you did. Papa smiled to himself and continued to work. When you asked him why he looked so content Papa was quick to say, “I believe you have stolen my heart.” It nearly made your own heart stop. This fierce, all powerful Antipope before you was humbled and proclaiming his love in the sweetest way. You couldn’t help but do the same for him! 

Papa II:

Takes the longest to come to terms with his feelings and is the most stubborn about it. Namely because Papa is scared to death at the idea of truly catching feelings for someone. He’s had his days of endless lusting, infatuations- nothing more than casual flings or short term affairs. But to realize he’s falling for you? It’s not possible! You weren’t even in his inner circle… not at first. You were one of his older brother’s students. A promising user of witch craft that longed to master your dark arts with the eldest Emeritus brother. He met you when you assisted in a ritual that took place with all the Papas. At first he didn’t notice you, but seeing you talk to Papa I changed that… you were articulate, polite, thoughtful, intelligent, and best of all you were pleasing to look at. Papa thought highly of your potential, and you two slowly talked more and more. 

He made his casual interest known and you reciprocated. What started as another casual affair turned into more than just the physical. Soon you both were having more dinners, more conversations. Hell there were times he summoned you just to have company and some wine. You were a delight to talk to, so much more deeper than some of his other lovers. Actually, you weren’t just another lover. To him you were like a very close friend with benefits- something he didn’t allow often. Papa did not open up to you at first, but the longer you spent time together the more he considered it. He found himself losing his guard with you and he despised the idea of being vulnerable. Papa denied himself of WANTING you to know him so intimately… but eventually had to confess. He wanted you for himself, as a real partner. A real lover in all senses of the word. Someone he could grow to give his whole self to. It took him a while to work the nerve up to inform you this, and you were all too happy to accept! 

Papa III:

It took him a long time to realize how deep his feelings are for you- because you two have been close friends for years. Granted, you’ve rejected all of his casual advances for bedtime shenanigans, and he’s always respected that. Instead you two have gotten very close emotionally- something Papa genuinely doesn’t have with a lot of people. Besides Omega, and a few of his ghouls and brothers, Papa does not have a lot of genuine and true friends he can be himself around. His position of authority makes it hard in both rivalry and people wanting to use him. Not that he has a lack of bedmates or casual partying acquaintances. So he’s never thought to even think of you as anything more than one of his best friends and confidants…That is until he saw you flirt with someone for the first time. Now, Papa HAS been there to give you romantic advice and an ear when it comes to your personal life. 

What person in the Clergy doesn’t have their bouts in romance? But he’s never actually SEEN you with anyone… and that just doesn’t feel right to him. He finds himself, dare he think, jealous? But why would he be- you’re his friend, he should be happy for you! After all you’ve made it clear that you didn’t want any casual one nights with him… but did he ever think to commit more? Papa broods on it for a long time of why he would suddenly feel so awful about the idea of you actually BEING with someone else- like having a serious commitment with someone. Why was he so JEALOUS? Then it hits him… he actually has feelings for you. The reason he didn’t understand before is that Papa rarely has deeper, intimate feelings for someone beyond lust or infatuation. And now, he’s understanding that maybe the reason he’s so eager for your company is more than mere friendship. 

Papa IV/Cardinal Copia: 

Copia had known for a very long time that he had fallen in love with you. You were one of the few people he trusted with his life- as true loyalty beyond his ghouls was genuine and rare. The Ministry is a cut throat and very dangerous place to be in the higher ranks, especially with him trying to start the new Bloodline. But you’ve been his personal assistant for years and the two of you had bonded immensely. He loved all your mannerisms, your kindness, your loyalty and duty to the Clergy. But Copia never made a move on you. Even though there is nothing saying he CAN’T have unprofessional relations with you (who in the Clergy DIDN’T regularly bed their co workers and assistants?) Copia never felt right about it. Mainly because he was afraid you didn’t see him that way and that, if you did get physical, it might ruin the bond you two had. So he stayed quiet about it for years and just admired you from his desk. 

It’s not until he’s FINALLY Papa does he try to make a move and confess. Mainly because now he doesn’t have to worry about him being in such a precarious position. Copia can finally relax a little and enjoy his newfound position. You haven’t left this entire time, you’ve been there for him- Hell’s Gates, you’re STILL his assistant! Copia, even in his Papa paint, still seems so shy like a school boy about it. But he confesses his feelings to you without faltering. At first his heart sinks with rejection when he hears you bust out laughing. But this changes when you smile back sweetly and shake your head. “Finally- it took you long enough!” For you both, it was a new start to an already solid and unshakable relationship. You just had to be the patient one and let him come to you!

[jalebi-weds-bluetooth]

The Lavanya Kashyap Track & If Arnav Cheated her with Khushi.

Warning: Long answer, I love rambling.

Hello Raven @acroakingbird, 

Thank you for your insightful ask!

True, IPK was in many ways ahead of its time. And also much darker compared to its contemporaries (Yeh Rishta Kya Kehlata Hai for example). It was almost ‘western’ considering how it really only focused on two people falling in love and the complexities that can arise if the woman is considered the hero’s sister’s mistress. I find IPK very Shakespearean for that - very Othello to be honest. 

I think a lot of problems arose with the fact that IPK was set to stay as a Star Plus show instead of Star One. If you look at Star One shows - Geet, Mile Jab Hum Tum, Sarabhai V/S Sarabhai, etc - they were much more open about themes in a non traditional and practical aspect as the channel was targeted to a younger audience. Geet was pretty frank about how marriages are sometimes a scary freak show with NRI men marrying off Indian women for their property, etc. In Mile Jab Hum Tum, the two protagonists - Samrat and Gunjan - have consensual sex even before they are engaged and they don’t have any issues with it. It does not give rise to any shame or weird pregnancy track that might’ve been convenient for a Star Plus show to kind of ‘punish’ the protagonists for having pre marital sex. And even on the comedy side, Maya and Monisha of Sarabhai V/S Sarabhai share this classic love hate relationship but with finesse and subtlety. No ‘rona dhona’ or the 3000 mantras of our dear Gods & Goddesses in the background. Even as a housewife, Monisha just had so much going on in her life. 

Now if we compare that with what are the standards for Star Plus, dear God, one look at Saath Nibhana Saathiya, Yeh Rishta, (barring Pratigya) gives us the template of what shows Star Plus delivers. It’s completely for the traditional, family loving, ‘marriage is sacred’ ideals kind of audience. In fact one of the head writers of the show - Gautam - said in one of his interviews that if IPK had been on Star One then Arnav and Khushi’s story wouldn’t have even left the office! 

So given all of that, I’m just wonderfully happy that an antihero like Arnav, a villain like Shyam (one of my most favorite villains) and a positive character like Lavanya were given the green signal. Khushi is your template Star Plus character, she just rises into something more when she meets this Mills & Boons hero. 

Now, coming directly to your point, I think Lavanya was doomed to be transformed. And yes, making her appear more slutty next to the pious Khushi grated my nerves. Lavanya drinks, wears revealing outfits, curses, is completely fine to live in and have consensual sex with her partner - this is normal. She is literally like any other woman. (And I believe she also loves her work passionately) Demonizing that (I can’t watch Nani in these scenes) gets me so upset because we’re supposed to agree with Nani and hold Khushi in a high esteem compared to Lavanya. 

I loved Khushi the minute she talked back to the ‘over sympathetic’ shopkeeper in Lucknow who tried to rub in Payal’s broken marriage to Shashi and Garima. I was unashamedly in love with her then and there, and that she was great at mathematic. I really didn’t need more reasons to love her. 

So what gets me irritated is the intentional comparison to show how Khushi is superior than Lavanya because of the values Khushi holds and Lavanya lacks. 

The entire traditional ‘makeover’ could have been dealt with more humor on the situation that Khushi has an actual crappy job of making someone more ‘Indian’ and in fact could have served as a way to bridge the differences between modern and traditional thinking (three scenes that does this is; when Lavanya tells off her friends in Diwali that she’s isn’t being less modern by just respecting Nani, when Nani teases Lavanya and pushes her to dance on stage because she knows Lavanya enjoys dancing, and ultimately Khushi’s friendship and protectiveness towards Lavanya). 

Also lastly, coming to your point about Arnav cheating Lavanya with Khushi. I feel this is one thing that the show actually got right. It was really delicately handled and in no way is Arnav actually ever cheating Lavanya with Khushi. 

Let’s step back and see the public and private interaction of Arnav and Khushi. They yell, fight, insult, ignore. Sometimes he laughs. Sometimes she helps. And whenever she’s in trouble - he’s there to hold her. Yes, he pays for her father’s medical treatment,  she tries to console him on learning about his parents’ demise. 

Literally all this can happen between Lavanya and Khushi. I believe Lavanya would do everything Arnav does for Khushi (paying bills, getting her coins to make Khushi happy - she dances in a mustache to make Khushi happy), and Khushi would console Lavanya just the same. 

The difference is that Arnav and Khushi start an emotional affair without either of them realizing. It’s not what they do to each other, that can almost be viewed platonically, it’s what happens in between, unknown to themselves. I think they have no answer as to why does the other person’s happiness and sadness matter so much to them. 

In the famous red saree photoshoot scene, even Akash and Jeff are present when Khushi’s saree drops, but Arnav and Khushi are transfixed on each other because of the other’s awareness. 

As Barun Sobti once said in a segment, that Arnav always had a corner for Khushi - it just grew soft for her. And like Sanaya Irani said too, that of course, Arnav is a man. 

It’s a scene that heavily relies on lust and it destabilizes both Arnav and Khushi because both of them liked what they saw and felt for the other. But again, all of this is between stares and mere touches. 

Arnav and Khushi seem to memorize every touch and stare. They are saying so much more with their eyes every time they meet that we feel the intensity of their moments that makes us think that Arnav is cheating Lavanya. 

But it’s not happening, it’s literally all in Arnav and Khushi’s heads and perhaps that’s the weirdest part - for all their misunderstandings on fore, they are exactly in sync in their heads. Whether it’s bubbling lust or love, it’s in their eyes and minds. They can’t stop thinking about each other and have nothing to say about it. 

The only time any of them actually do something that can count as ‘cheating Lavanya’ is Diwali. And of course, Khushi believes that perhaps there is nothing more to Arnav and Lavanya’s relationship and demands more to know if he has feelings for her. This time she doesn’t want to read his mind, which she effectively can, she needs him to acknowledge it. 

And when Arnav realizes he has almost become the man he hates, his father, he immediately rectifies his actions by mentioning his engagement to Lavanya because (a) she does not deserve to be humiliated for his rash decision to live in a live-in relationship (b) he almost cheated her. 

And that’s why Arnav never tells Khushi he’s broken off his engagement - because he does not do it for Khushi. He breaks off with Lavanya because he fears that it won’t be an honest marriage and he would doom her the way his father doomed his mother. Yes, Khushi is the woman he loves - Lavanya realizes that sooner than anyone. But Khushi is genuinely worried for Lavanya and angry at Arnav because he made his intentions clear and she refuses to read his mind or be sympathetic towards him when he made all the mess by asserting what he apparently wanted - hence stringing Lavanya and Khushi. 

Was it easy for Arnav? Of course not! And I think the existence of their innocence irrespective of the mess their feelings cause never makes Khushi the third woman in Arnav & Lavanya’s life. (It is hinted Lavanya never tried to make their relationship more serious because Arnav was happy being in the place they were and Lavanya is happy because Arnav is happy, even if it’s not something Lavanya wants). 

And this is why Arnav never cheats Lavanya. The day he realizes he won’t be able to be true to her, he is incapable of pretending to love her, he ends up saying another name instead of hers - he asks to break up for her sake. Because she does not deserve this half hearted marriage. It’s the day he realized his worry and panic (which borders love) for Khushi will remain irrespective of his or her marital status to other people. And pursuing marriage with another knowing that his feelings for Khushi wouldn’t change would count as cheating.

Because Arnav believes that marriage is a 100% commitment (emotional and physical), just like Khushi (which is why she refuses to get engaged to Shyam in the beginning).

Also, Arnav’s break up is kept independent of Khushi’s break up. It’s a way of establishing whatever Arnav and Khushi had, it wasn’t an affair behind Lavanya’s back. Had it been, the first thing either would’ve done is run to the other and tell them they were single. Or the minute that they learnt they were single, they would actively try to date each other. But nothing of that sort happens post Akash & Payal’s engagement - they just fall back into their platonic actions. The only difference, they seem to now know that they exert a sort of right (unconsciously) towards the other. 

[embersrevived]

MEET THE MUSE

► Name ➔  Nadir Darvish Khouroshzadeh 

► Are you single ➔ “Mhm.” 

 ► Are you happy ➔  “I’d say I’m relatively okay and generally at peace with myself and my life, if that answers the question? Though I am hopeful that certain goals of mine that I strive for will come to fruition, which would definitely provide an even brighter outlook on things.” 

 ► Are you angry? ➔ “I do become frustrated with certain situations and perhaps individuals at times, yes. Though no, I wouldn’t say it’s my default state of being.” 

► Are your parents still married ➔ “Yes.” 

NINE FACTS 

► Birth Place ➔ “Sari, Mazandaran.”  (timeline-dependent) 

 ► Hair Color ➔ “A very dark shade of brown, though it’s more noticeable up close.” 

► Eye Color ➔ “Also dark brown.” 

 ► Birthday ➔ “Sometime in April.”  that’s as specific as she wishes to be 

► Mood ➔ “Eh.” 

► Gender ➔ “Female.” 

► Summer or winter ➔ “A tad tough, but I’d say perhaps winter; the summer heat can be rather unbearable at times.” 

► Morning or afternoon ➔ “Afternoon.” 

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE 

► Are you in love ➔ “Nope.” 

 ► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ “Attraction, yes. Love I feel needs to be something that develops after you’ve at least gotten to know the person somewhat. But what do I know, right.” 

 ► Who ended your last relationship ➔ “Not applicable.” 

► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ “Nah. I mean, at least not that I’m aware of.” 

 ► Are you afraid of commitments ➔ “I don’t really think on the concept too much or put too much stock into it for it to actually induce any sort of true feeling in me. So I’d say as of now I’m neutral about it at most.” 

► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔  “No, I tend to be pretty conservative touching and feeling-wise regarding my interactions with others, even if they happen to be those I’m somewhat close to.” 

► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ “I mean I highly doubt it, but. Sometimes things that are thought to be improbable do in fact occur, so who knows.”  

 ► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ “Yeah, probably. At least something similar to that tends to happen whenever I overanalyze and ruminate over situations, events, people, etc. Specifically ones which had something of an impact that I preferred they didn’t have, though that I can’t change regardless.” 

SIX CHOICES 

► Love or lust ➔ “Love of course. I really do not care much at all for the latter.” 

► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ “Iced tea.” 

► Cats or Dogs ➔ “Cats in general, though there are certain breeds of dogs that I am rather fond of, namely those in the spitz family.”   “And no I most definitely did not feel pressured on that first part just because Soraya’s chartreuse orbs are currently glaring into the depths of my mortal soul to ensure I give the appropriate response”

► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ “A few best friends, to be sure.” 

► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ “Uh.... I’d guess I’d have to say the latter? Though I normally like have the place to myself where I can decompress from a day’s worth of human interaction in general.” 

► Day or night ➔ “Night, my concentration and ability to hone in on necessary tasks and productivity is typically better during these hours.” 

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS 

► Been caught sneaking out ➔ "Never really tried to do that growing up, so.” 

 ► Fallen down/up the stairs ➔ “Once when I was but a small child.” 

► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔  “Aspirations wise, yes.” 

► Wanted to disappear ➔ “Oh yes, on plenty of occasions.” 

FOUR PREFERENCES 

► Smile or eyes ➔ “Why not both?” “Eyes, if I really had to pick, I suppose.” 

► Shorter or Taller ➔ “Taller.” 

► Intelligence or Attraction ➔  “Intelligence and personality. Attraction to one’s appearance is superficial at best and certainly isn’t enough on its own to sustain a meaningful and mutually conducive connection in the long run, at least I’d assume. I imagine the fascination and/or initial infatuation with another’s looks becomes increasingly immaterial as the relationship progresses and things become more dependent on circumstances and challenges that test the true fortitude and genuine nature of said relationship.” 

 ► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ “An actual, at least somewhat meaningful relationship, of course. I’m not one to partake in or actively search for ephemeral,, meaningless affiliations. Not that I’ve been looking in general, this is mainly hypothetical.” 

FAMILY

 ► Do you and your family get along ➔ “For the most part, yes. Though that’s not to say there isn’t the occasional squabble, especially as it pertains to my ever so slight shift in focus as far as my career and studies have been concerned over the past recent few years. They weren’t exactly jumping for joy when I announced my intention to pursue a slightly less traditional curriculum, however still relevant to my interests in goals, and they definitely weren’t too crazy about the fact that I’d elected to go abroad in order to pursue just that.” 

 ► Would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔ “Apart from perhaps a few isolated instances here and there,” “No, not really.” 

► Have you ever ran away from home ➔ “No.”

 ► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ “No.”

FRIENDS 

► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ “If I truly had managed to accumulate that level of sheer disdain and was bothered so much by someone’s sheer presence, I couldn’t ever in good conscience call such a person a friend, or even pretend they were one, even for the sake of appearances. I ain’t about that life, see. So no.” 

► Do you consider all of your friend’s good friends ➔ “No, only perhaps one or two at most.” 

► Who is your best friend ➔ “I wouldn’t say I have a best friend exactly, more like some amiable associates and acquaintances that I somewhat regularly converse and spend time with.” 

► Who knows everything about you ➔ “My parents, to an extent, though admittedly I have kept them in the dark a bit as to what precisely this new curriculum/career I’m pursuing entails; they are merely under the impression that it is an upgraded version of medical studies, school, research, etc. Kind of left off the whole integrated magic and sorcery bit for reasons, haha. And I’d say in recent years my mentor, Dr. Gharabaghi, whom I’ve found myself confiding more and more in the longer I’ve been under his mentorship. Certainly doesn’t hurt that he’s technically an old friend of my parents, yeah.” 

ᴛᴀɢɢᴇᴅ ʙʏ: @dominatie (thanks so much for tagging me!) 

ᴛᴀɢɢɪɴɢ:  @sinnersall @orsino-the-enchanter @dxmnedbloodlxst, @sorrowfularia​ @lus-a-chalmain​ @belovedbelmont​ @eclipseshrined​ and anyone who sees this and wishes to do it! 

[phoenixdown-and-fairydust]

★. Do they have any wishes?

For every "★" I get, I will post a fact about my characters.

You can specify any number of characters you want. You may also specific something you want to hear about, but not too specific, ex: ★ Fears

So rather than do the easy way out and say that they’d wish certain characters don’t die, or that they succeed in their quest, I decided I’d try to do ones more specific to each of them. Also tried not to get too grim. Sorry if I fail at Englishing, it is late but I can’t sleep

Sereana: So a little related to wanting to prevent events, but she wishes she had a better control over her powers from a younger age. Elves and some of the other immortal/long lived non-humans in general have a tendency towards precognition and related abilities, however it takes a long time to master. For that reason it’s less common among humans or beings with shorter lifespans. Even when they start to develop their powers at a young age, it’s hard because they lack the skill and discipline with magic to control it. Early on it’s usually feelings rather than visions, or if they get visions it tends to just be flashes or dreams. Sereana does struggle with self-inflicted guilt for not being able to stop things. Also sometimes it’s difficult to tell the difference between a nightmare, a possible future event, or an occurring event glimpsed through farsight when you don’t have proper control(is your friend going to into that possible accident a week from now, or is your friend currently on the ground in the field and in need of a healer now while you’re stuck in a lesson and the person lecturing you won’t let you make sure he’s alright?Or was it just an anxiety dream?).

Additionally, it’s not always grand or fate changing things. Sometimes it’s living through the same etiquette lesson or forced needlework session with court ladies you don’t particularly care for and being forced to listen to gossip several times over in a Groundhog Day like hell. And not even interesting gossip, gossip about such and such lady’s  dress, or who was caught sleeping this person. Or even worse, overly flowery innuendos as they lust over your brothers. And having to endure it, knowing before hand that several attempts to get out of it aren’t going to work, because you technically already tried that.

Daer: Kind of cheesy and adorable, but when he wishes to live up to their father’s example, he doesn’t just mean his status as a hero and venerated leader. He wants to be a good eventual husband and father, whose family never doubt his love for them. Overall he just wishes for his loved ones’ happiness. He can come across as quite stoic with the persona he puts on as the eldest sibling, but he’s quite squishy and a sweetheart.

Koro: He wishes that at least once his duty is done he could settle into a more peaceful life where he would be free to pursue more creative work, rather than just focus on politics or combat. He wants to master his craft and eventually hopes to reach a skill level close to some of the great smiths and artists among both humans and nonhumans (Ultimately with enough time Koro has the potential to at least come close to their world’s equivalent to Feanor, in terms of skill, not arrogance). While he’d prefer to use his skills and magic for creative purposes, he doesn’t regret his path.

Glenn:He feels it’s a bit of a selfish wish, but Glenn does wish that others would acknowledge him for his own accomplishments. While his own family and friends do, sometimes others see him as his parents’ son, or his sibling’s brother before acknowledging him as a promising student/accomplished mage/warrior etc in his own right. Daer and Koro are older, and while she’s the youngest Sereana is the only girl and a full elf in contrast to her adoptive siblings, so he feels like he sometimes fades into the background.

Albert: Also kind of bending thing rule of trying to avoid wishes regarding the deaths of characters, but Albert does wish his grandfather or father had made the difficult decisions regarding his uncle, as their hesitation ultimately leads to problems.

Alternatively, he wishes he could Gibbs slap some sense into his younger self for some of his brattier behaviour. Although he ends up being close friends with Sereana as well, he developed jealousy and resentment towards her when they were children, as he feared losing his friends after she was adopted. This resentment also lead to him putting misplaced blame for an event on her, which only further strained his relationship with Sereana and her family for a few years. While his behaviour was perhaps understandable given his age and circumstance, he still rightly feels like a massive ass and regrets it.

Lambert: As fond as he is of his family, Lambert sometimes wishes that he was not so close to the throne. His aunt is Albert’s mother, and his father is not just the king’s brother-in-law but his close friend and trusted knight. Even if Lambert hadn’t chosen the path of a guardian he still would have been pulled into all the conflict by his familial ties. He’s very insightful and empathetic, so being around some of the more toxic nobles and playing nicely when they’re lying through their teeth, not even all that well sometimes, is exhausting.  He also wishes he put his foot down and had called out Albert’s behaviour sooner when they were younger. The rift between Albert and Sereana’s family also strained Lambert’s friendship with them, especially since they knew he knew Albert was being an idiot, yet he still ultimately sided with his cousin. In truth this was more because he knew Albert was in a vulnerable place than actually siding with him.

[mediaeval-muse]

Book Review

Unveiled by Courtney Milan. Ontario: HQN Books, 2011.

Rating: 4/5 stars

Genre: historical romance

Part of a Series? Yes, #1 of 4 in the Turner Series

Summary:  Ash Turner has waited a lifetime to seek revenge on the man who ruined his family - and now the time for justice has arrived. At Parford Manor, he intends to take his place as the rightful heir to the dukedom and settle an old score with the current duke once and for all. But instead he finds himself drawn to a tempting beauty who has the power to undo all his dreams of vengeance…. Lady Margaret knows she should despise the man who's stolen her fortune and her father's legacy - the man she's been ordered to spy on in the guise of a nurse. Yet the more she learns about the new duke, the less she can resist his smoldering appeal. Soon Margaret and Ash find themselves torn between old loyalties - and the tantalizing promise of passion…

***Full review under the cut.***

Trigger Warnings: sexual content; mentions of abuse, homelessness, dubious consent, and bullying

Overview: Surprise, surprise, I’m reading another Courtney Milan book. I previously read Unraveled, which is the last book in the Turner Series, so I’m a bit out of order. BUT I’m going back and reading the books I skipped, so be on the lookout for more reviews. Unveiled is delightful in the way that many of Milan’s books are - complicated social obstacles, characters that feel distinct, and an overall arc about accepting oneself and finding a voice. I had an immensely good time reading it, and my complaints have mostly to do with personal taste.

Writing: I really love the way Milan writes so cleanly and effortlessly. Her prose has that nice quality of seeming plain and straightforward, but when compared to other styles, it’s clear that she puts a lot of effort into her craft. She also strikes a nice balance between showing and telling in Unveiled, holding back on a lot of explanations and instead letting a lot of things come to light through her characters’ actions. At no point did I feel like backstory was just being told to me without there being some way it was also shown to me. The only complaint I really have is the pacing towards the end. My edition is 378 pages long, so I understand not wanting to add any more material, but as a reader, I think I would have enjoyed end to be drawn out a little more so that the level of detail is the same as throughout the rest of the book.

Plot: Unveiled uses some familiar romance tropes: disguised identity, questions of inheritance and legitimacy, enemies to lovers, etc. At no point, however, did I feel like I was uninvested; Milan carefully crafts her story so that nothing felt like it was thrown in arbitrarily. In most of her books, but especially this one, Milan is very good at balancing her tropes to create genuine tension - nothing can be easily solved by characters just talking to one another, and there are consequences for everything. For example, our heroine, Margaret, is disguising her identity, but she can’t just reveal who she is and get her happily ever after. Likewise, our hero, Ash, can’t just cathartically pursue revenge - his actions have consequences that affect innocent people. As a result, I was eager to keep reading to see how the tangle of the plot would play out. Something I also really like about many of Milan’s books is that the plot also revolves around empowering women in ways other than through their desire. In Unveiled, the main arc for Ash and Margaret is about learning to see people for who they truly are and recognize their inherent worth, regardless of social standing. It gives the plot a little more emotional weight and can we woven into the romance or into the other parts of the narrative. I think it’s really smart, and I enjoy reading Milan’s books because of that. 

Characters: Our heroine, Margaret, is extremely likable for her take-no-crap attitude and sharp tongue. Part of it stems from her hurt and frustration at her situation - she’s been legally declared illegitimate, so her family’s name has been tarnished - but part of her attitude also comes from an inner strength that I admired. Margaret is also fiercely loyal in a way that is challenged throughout the book, which I found enjoyable because it means she goes through some character evolution, learning who is worth being loyal to and who isn’t, based on character rather than blood. Ash, our hero, is likewise interesting to read because he has some hidden insecurities. At first, he’s all confidence and charisma, and like Margaret, is fiercely loyal to his family. However, there’s a distinct gulf between him and his brothers, which stems from a traumatic past involving his leaving them in the care of a mentally unstable mother. He spends a lot of time grappling with that guilt and trying to make up for it financially, and though his brothers bear him no blame, it was fascinating to see how their experiences caused a rift in the family. Because of this rift, there was an interesting dynamic between Ash and his brother, Mark. Because Ash was so focused on supporting his family financially, he didn’t receive a proper education. Mark, on the other hand, attends school thanks to Ash’s efforts, so there’s an interesting commentary on educated vs “uneducated” members of society, elite vs working class, etc. This dynamic plays out in interactions with other characters, too, from the household staff to the House of Lords, making everything feel purposeful. The main things I didn’t like involved Ash’s possessiveness. When Ash first sees Margaret, he tells his brother that she’s his to seduce, which I found a little aggressive for a first meeting. Luckily, Ash isn’t in it for sex alone, but I still dislike it when heroes see a woman and their first thought is about lust. Towards the end, Ash’s confidence and strength of will also became a little possessive. I was a tad bit uncomfortable in the way he ruthlessly pursued his goals regarding Margaret, though he does make up for it in the end. Other readers might not find it to be a problem - it wasn’t toxic, by any means. I just don’t like possessiveness in my heroes.

Romance: I’m a sucker for a good enemies-to-lovers romance, so I found Ash and Margaret’s story to be just the thing I needed to entertain myself during Covid-19. Despite his goal to seduce her, Ash never pressured Margaret into sleeping with him and allowed Margaret to make choices regarding how intimate their relationship became. I have a hard time being invested in a romance when male heroes are so driven by lust that things like consent and agency go out the window, so it’s always nice when a male love interest acts like a genuinely caring human being. This “lord seduces his subordinate” trope was nicely paralleled with “self-defense” sessions, in which Mark taught the female staff how to fend off unwanted advances, and Mark’s humorous philosophical pamphlet on male chastity - both of which made for moments between Ash and Margaret elsewhere in the book that deepened their emotional connection.

As far as the sex scenes, I found them to be steamy without being gratuitous. Milan has a talent for not including too many intimate scenes in her books, allowing them to enhance the story rather than be the focus itself. The same is true in Unveiled; Ash and Margaret have enough moments where readers looking for graphic content will be satisfied, but doesn’t let them distract from the emotional arcs of her characters, nor the overall, non-romance plot.

Recommendations: I would recommend this book if you’re interested in historical romance (especially set in the early-mid 19th century), enemies to lovers, concealed identities, questions of inheritance and legitimacy, and the function of social class.

[an-ambivalent]

Into The World Of Sins [Yandere! BTS] Epilogue

There was warmth, and there was an occasional breeze which swept them slightly once in a while. Unlike the first and last time when [Name] was here, the touch of the breeze did not feel like iron rods covered in lava, which was as cold as icicles, digging into one’s skin. It felt the way a breeze was suppose to feel; cooling, welcoming and refreshing.  

In this universal realm where the virtuous aura of heaven mingled with the dark energy from the underground, everything was in a state of almost perfect ambivalence. As a result of this ambivalence, those who could not be judged to have a concrete ending after life, and committed sins on the same ratio as their good deeds, or those who were going to be given the results of the trials they faced to decide their fate, ended up here, in the limbo.

The universe preferred to believe the best in everyone so initially, when the non-judged or trial-goers entered, their souls were a floating white circle with specks of gold. They radiated pureness which was almost to the level of pureness emitted by heavenly creatures. In juxtaposition, souls belonging to hell, were black floating circles with specks of crimson, and constantly screeched. Depending on  what results the trial-goers ended up with,  they would hopefully either end up with specks of gold, or unfortunately, with specks of crimson.

It was time to evaluate another returning soul in the limbo.

The soul’s retained their consciousness and memories of their life. Initially, when they were ‘non-judged,’   they had no physical existence which could be similar to a living being. Hence, their mobility was limited. They were only able to float around, and respond to the questions they were asked. Once they returned as ‘trial-goers,’ depending on whether they were destined for heaven or hell, decided if they would be allowed to retain all of their memories, and earn back their physical form.

The returning soul of the protagonist, moved to the marked circle, where the otherworldly spoke once more.

“[Name] [Surname],”  It was said. While these words were uttered by a neutral voice which was usually void of any emotions and strains, this time, there was a hint of proudness in it. [Name] recalled her first visit in the limbo clearly, and knew it would be pointless for her to attempt to reply. Besides, more than anything, at the moment she was feeling a rush of different emotions and feelings surge through her. See, the memories from her journey to travel Into The World Of Sins, and recalling moments with her lover(s) from each world, was overwhelming her.

“It is now time for your judgement. Throughout your journey through the worlds, you have done, experienced, and shown many things. In your first life, your good deeds aligned with your bad, but in this journey, you have shown who you are, and what you are truly capable of. In the World Of Gluttony, you displayed selflessness, but not to the point where you risked your own safety. This ended your lover’s gluttony.

“In the World Of Sloth, you were incapable of having the strength or the courage to go on when things were rough. You avoided conflict because it caused you great fear, and by not having the motivation to pull through, you encouraged your imprionser’s sloth.

“In the World Of Pride, you understood the limitations and boundaries that exist between relationships even when that relationship is with someone who only wants the best for you. You knew when to encourage him to use his strengths for his own good, and when to hold him back for your own good. You were successfully able to prevent him from becoming too prideful to act on his own accord which would have caused him to hurt you.

“In the World Of Wrath, you showed kindness and empathy in the right time, even when your own safety was at risk. You were able to reach out and touch the heart of someone who had forgotten love. You minimized his full potential for wrath by teaching him love once again.

“In the World Of Lust, you were too giving and obedient. You failed to realize the dangers of simple submissiveness to others’ awful treatment for you. This manifested his lust to the point where a promising future was sacrificed.

“In the World Of Envy, you knew the importance of pursuing your own happiness, and acted against all odds to achieve it. You respected and accepted yourself. That part of your self-love transferred to your partner. He also came to accept himself for who he was, and did not envy others anymore.

“In the World Of Greed, you admitted to your flaws and improved on them for a better future. You stayed content, and improved for more when you needed to. You set an example, and did not let your lover become corrupted by the greed he could have. Out of seven sins, you ended five -- an exceptionally brilliant result. You have reached the heavens,” The voice spoke, and just when he said that, the environment of the limbo changed instantly; it was the heavens.

Moments later, [Name] shone brightly and blindingly. She became a heavenly spirit from a small floating circle, and retained her human physical creatures. As she had transformed, there were seven poofs of smoke that slowly arose around her, and formed a circle.

Seven past lovers -- each held out his hand to her.

She looked around herself with wide eyes, and all of them -- Vampire! Jin, Emperor! Yoongi, Artificial Intelligence! Hoseok, Dragon-Shifter! Namjoon, Incubus! Jimin, Fallen Angel! Taehyung and Mafia Boss! Jungkook -- they were smiling at her softly, and looking at her with loving eyes.

The otherworldly spoke for the last time.

“Who will you choose as your happy ending?”

Thank you, Trivia & Acknowledgements 

Hello! With the epilogue published, I would like to say that Into The World Of Sins series is officially completed. Thank you so much for reading, and participating in the quizzes of each chapter. I did not expect over 200+ to participate in each quiz, and I am absolutely still baffled by how much support I received. Out of all platforms,  my readers on tumblr were the most supportive. You have no idea how much your messages and compliments meant to me. It motivated to keep writing this story when I did not want to, and with your encouragement and support, I was able to complete it. Thank you, I love you all so much ♥ This story was an experiment because I wanted to make it more reader-interactive and it was so much fun! Watching you guys having a breakdown over what ending it would be was so funny lol. Here are some facts for you:

-For the first chapter, ending one was bad ending and ending two was good ending. In the second chapter, it was swapped so ending one was good ending and ending two was bad ending. And that was the order they were in. With each even number chapter, ending one was good ending. 

-In World Of Greed, Jungkook says  “I did it because I love you [Name], and I’d do anything for you. I’d end the world for you if you wanted me to,mo chuisle mo chroi.” I got the last part from a movie called Millionaire Dollar Baby, and from Gaelic it translates into something along the lines of: “my pulse, my heart.” or “my darling, my love” and I based it on the first translation which I thought was the perfect way to end the chapter. 

-In the World Of Wrath, Namjoon was suppose to be a Kelpie instead of a Dragon-shifter.  A kelpie is a shape-changing aquatic spirit of Scottish legend. But I stuck with dragon-shifter instead since it was easier to implement. Maybe I’ll do a Kelpie au one day? :D

-Originally, Taehyung was going to be the sin of Lust but I decided to give it to Jimin. 

-Jimin was suppose to be a fairy, but it may have ended up being too similar to the fallen angel concept Taehyung was given so I gave him incubus instead. 

-J-Hope was suppose to be a siren or a werewolf, but his bad ending was literally the plot of my story The Little Mermaid so I decided against it, and gave him artificial intelligence. There is more to his story than what meets the eye ;D

-Jungkook was the hardest au to choose for. I was out of ideas, and that’s why I asked for your input to what he should be. Out of all, mafia was my favourite. Thank you to the anon who suggested it! 

Last but not least, I have a few people I’d like to thank. 

@mysticmikalla for listening to my rants about this story when I was filled with uncertainty and helping me decide the au for Jungkook. Thank you for all of your help Mika ♥

@starbabytae for making beautiful aesthetic boards for the series. :D ♥

@chikinika gave me endless support, encouragement, and reassurances when I was literally melting in insecurities for my writing. ty so much cal ♥

and once again, thank you for reading <3 feel free to share your thoughts about the whole series! Like which chapter was your favourite and why? Or what chapter you think could have been done better and why etc. :) 

[autumngracy]

I think I'm ace but my family thinks I should be "more open to dating" lmao

Yeah I feel like families especially tend to find asexuality harder to grasp for some reason than if you were just homosexual for example. It’s hard for allosexual people to conceive of not feeling attraction the way they do.

There’s a lot of bullshit social pressure to have sex and feel sexual attraction because it’s seen as something that’s supposed to be an inherent, immutable trait (but it’s not). It doesn’t help that advertisements so often use sex as a way to sell products even if they’re completely unrelated. Plus, with family you often have people expecting grandchildren, neices and nephews, etc. and they feel “robbed” when the person announces that they’re ace or gay or bi or whatever, which is ridiculous because none of that even excludes the possibility of having kids, even biological children of your own, but to them it’s often some huge shock. But who gives a shit about that; it’s gross to expect anyone have children for your benefit, what the heck.

People can also tend to assume that you being ace means you’ll never be in any kind of relationship, because of the (again, bullshit) idea of relationships being so centered around sexual attraction. Many people don’t even understand that there’s different kinds of attraction, or that there’s a difference between love and lust, or even different kinds of love. You could be in a relationship based purely on romantic attraction. Hell, you can be in a relationship where there’s neither sexual OR romantic attraction, just because you work well together!

And if at the end of the day you don’t want to have any kind of intimate relationship with anyone, guess what! None of that stuff is necessary to lead a meaningful, happy, fulfilling life!! You don’t have to give a shit that other people want you to be dating or get married or settle down or have kids or whatever! They don’t have any say in what you choose to do and if you’re happier without pursuing any of those things then there you go!

For me, personally, I’m a biromantic ace and I’ve only dated a few times in my life (mostly all uncomfortable) and been in one (1) true relationship that ended with me realizing it was only platonic after all and I was more in love with the idea of being “in love” than I was with that person. I’m still a virgin at 26 years old, and you know what? There’s nothing wrong with that. I never wanted sex and I’ve never felt sexual attraction. I only feel romantic attraction and even then it’s pretty rare.

People call me inexperienced, tell me I can’t know what I feel or want yet, and try to pressure me into “putting myself out there” and getting laid ALL the time, (especially with guys because most people in my family can’t or refuse to grasp that I’m like barely EVER attracted to them) and you know what, I just can’t bring myself to care. I know what I’m comfortable with and what will make me happy and if I have to wait a long time to find the right romantic relationship that’s fine!! I’m not gonna put myself in situations I don’t feel comfortable with just because people told me I should!

My brother keeps telling me I’m broken and that *clears throat uncomfortably* having sex with (specifically) a guy will “fix” me (and trust me he did not use such nice words) and he can go fuck himself lol!!! I don’t care what he wants! I care what *I* want! I ain’t here for your peer pressure bullshit! And I’m certainly not fucking “broken”!

Sex is not what makes us human. Attraction is not what makes us human. We do not exist just to have sex and make babies. It’s dismally short sighted and crude to suggest life can be so very shallow.

Society is so obsessed with sex and attraction and it gets baffled and unsettled when people say they don’t feel or want any of that stuff, because if those aren’t necessary and inherent, it forces it to question its own decisions and priorities and people just HATE having to do that, especially if it means they might have made different decisions and now might have to regret doing things they maybe didn’t really want to do after all ... so they get even MORE up in arms about that stuff. They can take it as a personal affront, which is ridiculous. They don’t want to have to rethink how they live their lives or see the world because that’s scary and people hate change.

Just know that you don’t have to listen to people when they try to lecture you about what you should or should not be doing. They can’t possibly know you better than you know yourself, and by extension they can’t possibly know what’s “best” for you. Just do what makes you happy and don’t take anybody’s shit for it because they don’t know what they’re talking about anyway.

[mind-music-musical]

General plot structure of my musical

Right so this is basically the plot outline i’ve come up with but ofc it’s subject to change as with most things related to this project. 

So the plot is generally structured around the events of Dante’s Purgatorio but will be adapted to explore the themes I’ve laid out in previous posts (mental health, music, etc.). I’m planning for this to be a one act musical at about 70-80 mins because it’s meant to be a song cycle-type show, where the story is based around a list of songs meant to be listened in a specific order (think SiX and 35mm). Plus, I think 2 act musicals can be a little much for some people and shorter, minimalistic shows could resonate more with people who aren’t huge musical nerds/want to get into musicals more. Also, 2 act musicals tend to have a problem with pacing and fetter out near the end once there’s already a climax in the middle IMO.

I’ve planned for about 10 scenes with a song at the end of each scene. 7 of the 10 scenes would be structured around the 7 levels of purgatory and how they relate / can be adapted to Danny’s own personal issues.

scene 1- intro/ ante-purgatory

Here, Danny wakes up confused, meets Virginia who tells him that his soul is trapped and they must journey through his mind in order to resolve his psychological baggage in order for him to escape. Here he also meets the chorus which resembles his school’s choir that he’s part of as well as Beau, who manages to convince him to take on the journey.

(Beau re-appears at the end of each of the next 6 scenes to give Danny words of encouragement as a sort of Guardian angel figure before progressing with the story)

scene 2- pride

Virginia tells Danny to confront his constant need for validation from other people in order to affirm his confidence in all the parts of himself he’s secretly proud of and how this effects his inability to accept his flaws. 

scene 3 - envy

Virginia probes Danny further about his insecurities and concludes that he has an inferiority complex, causing him to double down on his self-doubt when someone else out-performs him in something he thought he was good at.

scene 4 - wrath

Virginia tries to get to the bottom of Danny’s source of insecurity, trying to figure out why he craves external validation and constantly compares himself to other people. Danny starts talking about his relationship to his parents and we find out that they are a major source of why Danny is the way he is now. We learn that he could’ve gone to therapy ages ago and was suggested to get a diagnosis for depression and anxiety, but his parents wouldn’t allow this. Danny admits that he resents his parents and is angry at himself for even thinking that.

scene 5 - sloth

Throughout the previous scenes, it’s revealed that Danny cares a lot about music and singing and that not only is his singing ability one of his biggest insecurities, it’s something he’s been discouraged from doing by his parents. As a result of feeling defeated as well as his depression, he tells Virginia that he’s considering quitting the choir and giving up on his dreams entirely, stating that he’s lost motivation to do any of the things he loves. Virginia attempts to tell him to not accept defeat and that by giving up hope, he’s letting his problems win.

scene 6 - greed

Danny tells Virginia that ever since he lost motivation to pursue his love for music, he’s been obsessing over other interests that could not only bring him happiness and fulfilment but please his parents. It is revealed that he’s been investing an unhealthy amount of time into his schoolwork to the point of stress, causing him to break down every time he fails to meet his own standards of perfection. Virginia tries to tell him that he’s only setting himself up for failure and that success would not bring him happiness if he has to sacrifice all that he loves.

scene 7 - gluttonny 

Here we learn that in order to cope with his stress, Danny has been drinking, smoking, and taking drugs. Virginia asks if he goes to parties and does that stuff there but he reveals that he has his sources. Danny says that socialising stresses him out even more so he does all of this in the comfort of his privacy. We learn that at one point Beau found out and tried to intervene, which eventually drove a wedge between the two of them (Beau is Danny’s best and only friend, idk if I mentioned that). Virginia tells Danny that not only is this stuff hurting himself, but the people who care about him, and that he should consider that.

scene 8 - lust

After Beau shows up at the end of the previous scene, he tells Danny that the next problem he must face is him. So a wall of fire appears in the Divine Comedy which I want to try and emulate here but that really depends on design and production whooomp. Virginia suggests to Danny that Beau’s significance in his journey could be the fact that he is a sort of focal point of Danny’s unresolved issues, which has ultimately led to Danny’s fear of intimacy. Danny craves Beau’s validation, but is envious of him. Danny is angry at himself for liking Beau because of how much it hurts and is slowly putting less energy into maintaining his friendship. He tries to distract himself with schoolwork and drinks + does drugs to try and numb his feelings. Ultimately, he’s trying to distance himself from Beau because he’s scared of hurting him and getting hurt in return. Virginia urges Danny to talk to Beau, who comforts him after Danny finishes his song for the scene. 

scene 9 - paradise

Here, Virginia tells Danny that his soul is finally free and can move on. Danny asks what she means by ‘move on’ thinking that it means he can wake up from this whole ordeal. It is then revealed that Virginia was referring to the afterlife and that Danny had attempted suicide, which is why they’re here in the first place. Danny starts to remember the events leading up to him even being in purgatory in the first place and is now conflicted about moving on. Suddenly, Beau starts frantically calling out for Danny. We learn that this Beau isn’t the one who’s been following Danny throughout his journey, but the real world Beau, who’s trying to get Danny to wake up and stay with him. He sings a song to Danny, thinking that he’s finally dying.

scene 10 - the final choice

After listening to Beau’s song, Danny decides that he doesn’t want to die. Virginia tells him he doesn’t have to pass onto the afterlife if he doesn’t want to. He sings one final song and wakes up in the real world, alive.

Right so that twist in the end???? Not really much of a twist though cuz you’d assume that with purgatory and all death must be involved somehow. Anyway, I didn’t want the story to be just a different problem to face at each stage of purgatory but instead something that has continuity with what was previously explored...so let me explain this a little further

In the divine comedy we learn that the 7 levels of purgatory are split into three parts: corrupted love (pride, envy, wrath) a lack of love (sloth) and excessive love (greed, gluttony, lust). This is structured similarly in the story with Danny’s twisted perspective of himself explored in scenes 2-4, the effects this has on dreams and interests being explored in scene 5, and the way his lack of self-acceptance manifest as harmful obsessions in scenes 6-8.

Overall i’m quite happy with how i’ve structured the story. I know it seems extremely sad, especially near the end, but it’s also meant to be a comedy, but that is also dependant on how i write the characters. I want the story to be funny and heart-wrenching...but I don’t want it to be tragic. I want it to be hopeful, which is why Danny decides he’s going to live. It’s meant to symbolise a message of hope, that things will get better with help and self-care.

[jazzygirlsadreamer-blog]

My Ideal Man

Since I’m single and have made a new commitment to pursuing femininity and accepting being gay, and hope to have many fans and readers here who are as excited about this journey as I am, with hopefully some handsome men reading, perhaps I should let my audience know what my dream/ideal partner would be like? It surely couldn’t hurt! So what is it I am looking for in a romantic and bed partner?

First off, something I need in a partner without a doubt....if you have any interest in pulling my panties down, you ABSOLUTELY have to know your role in our relationship, and play it authentically! You should know without any second thoughts that in our relationship, I am the woman and you are the man, every day and always. You only top, I only bottom (when we get there). You don’t obsess over my baby dick like a gay man would, and generally ignore it. I don’t mind a little bit of attention at all. In fact, it could be very nice to be fondled and stroked a little bit here and there! But I don’t want to be with a man who is obsessed with penis. On the contrary, it would delight me to have a partner who focuses on and appreciates my nipples and ass. Doesn’t make you feel like much of a lady, in my estimation, if every time you lay with him your man wants to jack you off or even worse, (Yikes, the biggest turnoff there ever was), perform oral on your front side....I don’t ever want my tiny boypart in anyone’s mouth, never ever! So gross and a guaranteed way to ruin our sexual chemistry! I’m eager to be rimmed and would love for my man to passionately lick my hole, kiss my cheeks, etc...but don’t ever flip me over and move to the front. Nothing disgusts me more than a man who wants to blow me! Absolutely unacceptable and no way to treat a lady!!! To go through this would kill any attraction we were developing, any chemistry we had in bed, and be a deathblow to our relationship dynamics! To keep it plain, clear, and easily understood, if my man goes down on me, he’s eating my ass. If i go down on my man, I’m sucking his dick. Always and every time and no changing there. I have no desire to lick your ass and I would shudder if you tried to suck me. It’s just not right, think about it! Definitely not a turn on for someone who wants to become more of a woman!

   If you have seen any of the couple pics I have shared with my audience so far, you will know I am white. Call me a freak or like any other sissy if you want to, but there is absolutely no denying my attraction towards black men! I know others like me can relate to this, right ladies? To get the obvious out of the way, a BIG black cock is SO impressive, even if it is a little scary to a newbie like myself. IMO the epitome of masculinity is a muscular, hung, and confident black male. Not that other races are not men or anything like that...I believe and know strong, handsome, masculine, well built, and well endowed men come in all different colors. But I have to be honest and admit....there’s just something so sexy about a black man who knows what he’s doing! I am open to dating all races and I don’t want to be promiscuous or sleep around so I don’t want anyone to feel insecure. I would love to find a serious, real, and committed man of any color that will help me develop, grow, and love me. But I cannot deny there is something about a black man that just does it for me and feels so right! Not to mention I have pale, snow white skin and I would love to see the contrast of our bodies together! 

Third, and this is essential, If you want to date me, you need to be ready for the long haul! I am looking for romance and true love, for someone who can mentor and train me and this will not happen overnight. You need to be patient and dedicated to my growth and our relationship. No married men at all! I understand we have to get to know each other and see how we click but I am seeking monogamy and a real, long term relationship, not just some quick dick! With that being said, I am open to a bit of swinging here and there and maybe bringing another guy or even another fem like me into bed with us. After i’m comfortable and developed as a lady in bed, if we can arrange it and it feels right and suits us, it would be fun to have a second masculine guy in bed with us. I wonder what it would be like to suck one guy and be fucked by another for instance, or suck two dicks at once. Like I’ve said before I have a nasty, slutty side like anyone else, and one day, it would be nice to do some more adventurous things like that just to see what it’s like. If you wanted for a female (genetic or otherwise) to join us, i would be open minded to your desires...I want monogamy, but I also want to have some fun. I’ve kept this side of myself inside for way way too long, and now there’s a lot of pent up lust and sexual energy that I want to release as soon as we’re ready. My sex life prior to this was giving a couple quickie blowjobs and unsuccessfully attempting to stay hard and fuck pussy. It wasn’t very satisfying, believe me! Now that i’m ready to accept my true likes in bed and romance, there is so much I desire to try out! As I’ve said before, I am an anal virgin and so curious to see what it feels like! I’m also contemplating us filming some of our love making maybe even broadcasting it live online so its a big plus if you’re comfortable with that! It’s important to me that you are willing to be adventurous in bed with me...there is so much i want to try out!

Last but not least by any means, while a fulfilling sex life is very important to me, the romance is JUST as important. I don’t want to feel like i’m just your sex toy (well, maybe sometimes, heehee). I want to feel loved, valued, and appreciated. I want to be kissed out of nowhere. I want you to ask me how i’m doing or what things have been like while we are apart. I want you to love me as i am, in the early stages of my feminization when i might not be very passable or have a perfect figure, and love me even more as i blossom with your help into the pretty girl I always dreamed of being. See, while there is surely plenty of kink, sex, and fantasy involved throughout this whole process, this is more than a fetish to me! When we are together even if we are not in bed I will always be presenting as a lady and fully expect to be treated like one...while I am unsure until we see how things go if I will eventually transition, whether i ever do or not and no matter if we’re making love, riding in a car, or just talking on the phone, always remember to treat me like a woman, and never ever bring up my masculine identity...I want to break free from that and push myself to be the girl I always wanted to be! It’s not just while we have sex, it’s an all day every day thing unchanging dynamic in our relationship...I am always the female!

[black-suns-burn-brighter-blog]

1, 2 & 10

mun related shipping questions!

1. OTP(s) for your muse?

((…. Damn you. Tia, you are a nefarious scrotum. YOU KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS SHFHDSHIODDIO–

But anyways, for those of you who don’t know, I have a couple. Some of which have happened in RP stories, some of which I’d die to ship because said ships have crashed into the only iceberg in the fucking ocean, all because I’m a horrible captain. Then again, this is because I’ve become a slut for difficult, complicated ships.

One of the best OTP’s that come to mind is for Queen!Verse Damaris and @vampyr-killer‘s Heretic!Verse. For any of you who aren’t familiar with that story, Damaris achieved her dream and became queen of the Wallachian witches, and Trevor basically took Dracula’s place. The two of them married, but it was strictly for political purposes, and there was most certainly no love coming from either of them. All things were sour and shitty, but just when you thought things would go undeniably south, something very interesting happened between the two. Progressively, as the two started to let their empathy loose and communicate with each other on a more personal level, Damaris had turned from an evil queen into a less-evil/somewhat-moral figure, and we began to see some redeeming qualities and character development within her. Sure, the ship wasn’t a romantic one (if I can call it a ship). Sexual at most, but this was rare. Nevertheless, I believe that there was some meaningful chemistry between the two, in the sense that they became good allies.

The second is one I’ve made an attempt at in RP, and though the thought of its toxicity, chaos and drama is such a beautiful burn in my soul, I’m sure it has turned to a mangled, twisted, dying roadkill in the middle of the highway because it’s near impossible to piece. I’ll always love the thought of a Bleach!Verse Damaris and Aizen ship, but it wouldn’t be your ordinary ship. It’s not the kind of romantic, fluffy, lust-blown ship one would expect. Not even a possessive or controlling one. The closes it would ever get to a ship is a mildly sexual one, but even then, this is unlikely. At least for @shinkakuka, there are so many barriers to a ship between these two, chiefly their differences in cultural backgrounds, motives and perspectives. Nevertheless, if by a wild chance such a thing were to happen, it would depend on whether Aizen would ever witness Damaris open up a little more so much that he’d see qualities in her that were hidden until later, and if those things would interest him. On the other end, Damaris already takes huge interest in his behavior, even though he does things that not only upset her but also confuse her horribly. The little witch may know little of him or this new world, but she isn’t closed-minded– if anything, she tries to pursue that which is confusing, then tries to make sense of it. Regardless of what happens, Damaris is going to learn something new, and perhaps she will develop as a result of trying to “learn” Aizen (she already has, a little bit). It’s very likely that she might come undone or be destroyed by such a thing, seeing that he’s had that effect on her already, but her lessons will change her, nonetheless. So who knows what the end product will be? Maybe it will be even deader. This time with some flies shitting on it.

To put it simply, I die for the ships that are not only complicated but also offer some potential for seeing the Troll Witch grow and develop. Because if there’s no change, how else will you make a good shipping story?

Of course, there’s a ton more, and that’s probably just because Damaris is like the color black: because of her persona, you can pair her with just about anyone (though the ships would be to varying degrees, from platonic to manipulative to one-night stands). However, I always like a degree of chemistry, at least. Some other OTP’s I love and have shipped are with the following people:

Damaris x Starrk - @dxsperate-to-connect

Damars x VampireDemon!Lysandre - @beautyxnsin

Damaris x Main Verse Trevor - @ask-trevor-belmont

Damaris x Isaac (Castlevania: Curse of Darkness)

And don’t worry, peeps. This list will grow!

2. NOTP(s) for your muse?

((Hmmm….. I think the only one of these I can think of are Main!Verse Damaris and Adrian Tepes. If I were to make a list of rarepairs for my muse and other muses, then this would perhaps be the rarest of them all. This is simply because I view their relationship as more of a platonic one, even though I headcanon that these two were very close childhood friends before Damaris was finally confirmed as a witch. Thus, I’d only view them has having more of a brother-sister relationship, and that’s if I didn’t consider the fact that Damaris had ditched their friendship long ago and labeled him a “weakness.”

10. A ship in your fandom you love (that does not include your muse)?

(( Man, oh man… If I could write a novella about, I would…

Castlevania. Oh, good sweet Lord, so many BEAUTIFUL people. So many BEAUTIFUL ships to choose from. I’ll tell you now. You can’t form an ugly, horrible ship between any two characters, no matter who you pick…

Unless it’s the Bishop of Gresit. You can only pair that asshole with Blue Fangs, and that’s it.

But right now (and I’m very on board with it too), all the kids are raving about Trevorcard right now, and they have a dang good reason to do so. Not a qualm I give about that pairing. If anything, it’s just beautiful. Both are beautiful boys, both actually have REAL HUMAN PERSONALITIES, and both have fabulous chemistry any which way you make it– hate, love, compassion, understanding, rivalry, etc.

Not to mention some beautiful fics and fanart made in honor of the two.