#he wants to LIVE and he shapes the world for it whether for his detriment or not

[leafiion]

god I love men. Specifically taka. Taka I know you’re single just one chance PLEASE !!!

[talaricula]

I know this is a gay lawyer opinion and as such probably spectacularly biased but ever since ntn came out I have been going absolutely crazy about the reveal that Cassiopeia is a gay lawyer and that she was the one to, first, call Jod out for granting more importance to punishing billionaires than to saving the billions of other people on Earth, and to, second, plot for ten thousand years to betray him. Idk if tazmuir did it on purpose but this reveal hit me right in the fucking heart and is for some reason incredibly meaningful to me.

Other ppl have already pointed out that Jod picked his STEM buddies to be necromancers and the more humanities leaning people/very broadly service workers (not that I'm a big fan of cops or clergy but you catch my drift) as cavaliers. But what's interesting here is that Cassiopeia is the exception to that. She's a necromancer and she's a lawyer. Which speaks v interestingly to the position law holds in a lot of STEM ppl's minds - it's "tough" enough to kind of be honorary STEM. But, crucially, it is factually not STEM. It is factually, very obviously, humanities. Its whole point is analysing society and figuring out how we want to shape it. And STEM people forget that. Which means that Of Course it's the STEM ppl who forge ahead, doing things because they have the capacity to, and of course it's the lawyer who is the first to question whether they should do so, what the impact of that is on the actual world, whether there shouldn't be agreements and rules about this.

And look don't get me wrong, I don't have an idealised view of law. Law can be one of the most oppressive forces in our current society. People often uphold it for the sake of itself and not for the sake of what it can do for people, to make the world and people's lives better, and the consequences of that are, unquestionably, a net bad. But that's where the gay lawyer part comes in. I work in an office where over half of us are queer lawyers and there is something fundamentally delicate and "in the middle" about being gay and a lawyer. Law is often actively hostile to queer people, and most queer people who go into law go into it with the intent to change it (or its application, even on a very small scale) rather than to uphold it because they are aware of its unfairness and oppressiveness. But simultaneously you need to believe in law enough to believe that it can be a useful tool for change if you're going to devote your professional life to it, which is a relatively idealistic position to hold. In my experience, the consequence of that is that queer lawyers are often the most likely to be very critical and sceptical of law and agreements and systems and people in power, even the ones they're close to, because a significant part of their lives is led in the midst of, very close to, or at least in a state of constant hyper awareness, of a system that is hostile to them for being queer.

Which is why it is so crucial that Cassiopeia is a Gay Lawyer. Of course she is the one who realises that the new rules and agreements implemented by her friend who suddenly finds himself with incredible power are detrimental to society as a whole. Of course she's the one who sees the inconsistencies between what he says he wants to achieve and what he's de facto working towards. Of course she's the one who calls him out for it. Being in close contact with both the rules and the people who makes them or enforce them isn't new to her, and analysing them is literally her job. He made a contract with his friends and with the world and he's not upholding it. Of course she's the one who takes issue.

Cassiopeia has to be radical enough to actively support Jod's cause at the beginning and traditionalist enough to see when he's going overboard and then again radical enough to call him out for it and build her own revolution. Cassiopeia has to be idealistic enough to believe a better world is possible and sceptical enough to realise when the new world they're building is emphatically not better and then idealistic enough again to believe it is possible to change it again, not back but forward, to something even newer. Cassiopeia has to be radical enough to spend thousands of years fomenting a rebellion against Jod and also traditionalist enough and enough of a Fucking Nerd to decide that the best and most efficient way to do that is to turn her House into a Rebellion University over that time period instead of, idk, anything a normal Rebel Against The Established Order would do. Of fucking course she's a gay lawyer.

Last point and then I'll shut up but equally crucial to this is that Nigella, her wife and cavalier, is AN ARTIST. The biggest cliché of "useless humanities", the person STEM looks at and thinks "I mean sure, fun enough, but ultimately a luxury at best and a waste of money and resources at worst". Because part of the divide within the field of law wrt what law means for society (is law a tool for society as it is or as it should be) is very much informed by how you look at society, of course, and while part of that outlook is informed by personal identity and experiences (ie the gay thing), another part is informed by the experiences and views of the people you surround yourself with. And Cassiopeia who loves an artist, Cassiopeia who strongly believes in the value of art for society, Cassiopeia who admires her lover for the way she studies and represents and transforms society through her art? That's so relevant to her specific brand of gay lawyer. That's the same Cassiopeia who's enough of an active idealist to side with Jod in an active rebellion against the agents of climate change at first, to stress the importance of helping innocents over punishing the guilty second, and to, finally, try to organise a revolution which, if I am interpreting all the care she takes with the Sixth correctly, prioritises helping the people Jod fucked over over punishing Jod.

TL;DR: Of course Cassiopeia is a gay lawyer and I love her, your honour.

[ogradyfilm]

Recently Viewed - Alien: Romulus

[The following review contains MAJOR SPOILERS; YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!]

For an otherwise typical summer blockbuster, Alien: Romulus has developed a surprisingly controversial reputation in a relatively short amount of time. The consensus among “serious” critics is that it cannibalizes a bit too liberally from the preceding installments in the franchise—and honestly, I find it difficult to disagree with that sentiment. Such classic lines as “Get away from her, you bitch!” and “I won’t lie about your chances, but you have my sympathies,” are regurgitated verbatim, awkwardly twisted out of shape and jammed into a new narrative context like incorrectly placed puzzle pieces.

[FINAL WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW!]

The inclusion of these “callbacks” is undeniably gratuitous, but ultimately inoffensive. Less justifiable is the resurrection of Ian Holm as a ghoulish CGI simulacrum—and not just for a brief posthumous cameo, either; his character plays a major role in the plot. I’ve been pretty lenient about the increasingly common practice of digital corpse puppetry (previously glimpsed in Rogue One: A Star Wars Story and Ghostbusters: Afterlife) in the past, but in this case—especially following the recent SAG strike—I must concur with the chorus of objections: this was an extremely misguided creative decision, the epitome of “poor taste.”

Despite these rather glaring blemishes, however, the argument that the film offers nothing of substance beyond shallow fan service is, quite frankly, totally absurd. The central themes around which the series has always revolved—the cold indifference of space, the casual cruelty of corporate greed, the question of whether compassion and morality impede humanity's survival (androids admire the “purity” of the eponymous extraterrestrials, considering them more “perfect" life forms due to their comparatively basic, primal instincts: hunt, multiply, defend the hive)—remain consistent, and are even elaborated upon. The mining colony that our protagonists inhabit is a nihilistic nightmare of capitalism and industrialization gone awry: drenched with rain, coated in grease and grime, devoured by rust and decay. The sun never shines (literally and figuratively) on Weyland-Yutani's "employees"; the terms of the workers’ contracts are continuously extended at The Company’s discretion, trapping them in a state of perpetual indentured servitude.

Conditions don't exactly improve after our heroine manages to escape the oppressive atmosphere of her hellish home world; while the spectacular interstellar imagery—planetary rings roiling beneath cargo vessels like turbulent oceans of cosmic dust, galaxies glittering in the distance like infinitesimal lanterns adrift in a sea of spilled ink—is certainly impressive, it also emphasizes mankind's utter insignificance. The universe is an unfathomably vast, silent, frigid, lonely void that can’t even be described as “hostile” to living organisms—because there is no grand design, no greater intelligence capable of acknowledging the petty struggles of mere mortals. Pray, plead, despair—the void doesn't care; it swallows your anguish, responding with neither an answer nor an echo. In other words (please forgive the cliché):

In space, no one can hear you scream.

At the end of the day, Alien: Romulus is flawed, but still serviceable, competently crafted, and adequately entertaining. At the very least, it features a cohesive artistic vision… unlike Ridley Scott's Alien: Covenant, which attempted to combine the cerebral tone introduced in Prometheus with the original movie’s visceral thrills—to the detriment of both approaches; the existential philosophy was simply incompatible with the surrounding framework of a conventional horror formula. Director Fede Álvarez, on the other hand, knows precisely what kind of story he wants to tell (safe, familiar, and predictable though it may be) and delivers the goods with confidence, style, and panache.

[adversarialharrow]

Wandering Mind Wandering Mount Wilmington

High atop Mount Wilmington lived Flammy, a sorcerer unlike any other. Dressed in a teapot-shaped hat that whistled on windy days, he was more a wizard than anything.

One day, a bald adventurer named Lonous climbed the mountain. Dejected with his mystery and unease with his mistress torment, he began to suffer. He detriments the pain of the causes of suffering like stones in his shoes although unlike the stones in his shoes so he couldn’t get rid of these pains of his suffering.

So you have to wonder whether you want love or mischief and if you want love then where are you getting it from and if you’re getting it from mischief then you need to care about it and you need to get in contact with the federal investigative bureau in your country and you need to get in touch with Salaam Ismael because he’s got your ass he’s got your number he’s got your address he’s got your parents he’s got your parents address And I don’t need to know you didn’t care what can happen when Salaam‘s men get their hands on you.

If you got a surmise that Clay "Aiken" is a good role model for a boyfriend and a lover for a Renee then you got to see that Salaam Ismael is a slick and slithering demon capable of desecrations that bend reality and the limits of the imagination and sorrow.

“I don’t want to reach the top of the mountain if it’s going to be a disgrace to my life.” Lonous thought to himself and anger and envy for the antics of his capturers squared with his own virtue of love and remorse for sorrow for an anxiety and capture that ruined and from which ensued further defeats and suffering in continuity succession. 'What the f-ck' he thought. 'Respectful remorse for a self dork coming from me.' He sighed and like flung his wrist.

Upon reaching Elgin’s lair, Lonous encountered a world of oddities: a tinkle river of container of lemonade flowed nearby.

It was sickrespect with remorse for a sordid corger and a liberty to desecration of environment and civil society.

“I don’t need to see a river of piss lemonade” Lonous said as he reached for his button device.

Inside, the air was thick as Flammy prepared his infamous Giggle Juice.

“Lonous you are a loner a prostitute a sorcerer a reject stoner who has no counter fortitude to care about his mother or father.”

Lonous replied “I decide I need to know about your income.”

“Just a pinch of laughter and a dash of sorger!” Flammy exclaimed, grinning widely. Flammy laughed. Flammy's eyes and mouth grew wide in a stare-y expression as if to shout Lonous as cunning and naive. “A little ff ffimmer will send it sim ss sim simmering!” He handed a cup to Lonous they both raise their cups and drank.

Lonous had to do a little better at thinking a few steps ahead of his opponent and said “Cool I don’t need a libation I need to suffer Salaam Ismael on my ass and mouth for all eternity because I can’t get an income or a good job under a magic spell.”

Flammy replied “I think you need a doctor or a lawyer to end your suffering.”

Lonous fell from the poison he drank in the cup and shattered into 1 million pieces as his custom for the enemies of the libation and sormer.

Yeah the disrespect is eternity through and through because he couldn’t get a job because he couldn’t get a certificate for his suffering. What kind of a recompense is that? Flammy it seems just makes p-ss all day while Lonous wonder what the hell did everything just pass by and take off.

[kiisuuumii]

it's okay sometimes to feel like you're just a pebble in the ocean. i've spent much of my early life scared of not existing, but not having enough meaning to keep on going. perhaps it is not normal for us as human beings to approach life this way, but it is our current reality, and we must face it in order to make something of it. our time here, in the grander scheme of things, might be insignificant, but that does not mean our lives have no purpose.

not having direction or purpose is what gives us meaning. you've likely heard this a million times, but it is the act of searching for something to fulfill us which will bring us happiness. whether you place your trust in things imperceptible, things much bigger and incomprehensible than yourself, or just choose not to believe at all, the fact you are contemplating the meaning of it all proves you are going to be okay. oftentimes, when people are hurt and feel diminished, they will submit themselves to whatever torments await them - yet, your head and heart are torn, and it is within that you will find yourself.

one day at a time is all we can hope for; like the previous anon stated, we do need to "do nothing," it is something fundamentally human - we need to reset ourselves in a way, and that can only come when we lay back and appreciate the world as it is, something we normally gloss over when we're so consumed by doing more and being more. in any given lifetime, it can be rare to have someone that has witnessed it all, but there will come a time it will all seem worth it, even if nobody has seen it through from the beginning.

although rare, those people do exist in this world; there will always be another - i'm particularly guilty of not accepting that fact recently. sure, maybe there will never be a person shaped by a unique set of permutations from the beginning of their existence, but that doesn't mean you can't connect to another person the same way again. that is something you will have to trust; that is something you must believe - you are not alone. no matter who comes and goes, life goes on. you never know who is watching.

don't let go of the things which make you whole. whether you choose to place your fate in the hands of something greater, there are things left in our control. if you continue to feel, to write, to love, and to do it all over again, that is the essence of what it means to be human. albeit foolish, albeit stubborn, albeit naive, that is who we are. hopefully, you will come to fully accept and understand yourself and the things which bind you.

im sorry this went on for much longer than it probably needed to be,,

to be honest, ive been pretty guilty of not accepting it either, that there will be another. i've never been particularly good at letting people go; in recent years, i thought i'd gotten better at it, knowing that there will be another, someone who, through connecting with and loving them, will be a reminder of that.

but recently, there's been someone who's inspired a lot of strength in me. just the thought of him, how much he's gone through (even if all i know is the surface of it), the mistakes i've made and promises to them ive broken—despite what's become of us now, i know that he cares, that he always has, because that's who he is, caring and undoubtedly big-hearted. maybe i shouldn't make this what keeps me going and what keeps me together, but admittedly, he does.

i think a lot about what i could do to make him proud of who im becoming, and maybe, in the grander scheme of things, it might be at my detriment to, but all my thoughts about him has led me to making decisions that bring me closer to who i know i am to be, and who i want to be. i'm a messy pile of hot garbage lmao but i love people, to a fault, and i know how to be kind, maybe clumsily, but still kind, and i want to be kinder still. because i believe in his belief in me. because if he believes in me, then there must be something in me thats worth believing in.

you tell me to not let go of the things that make me whole, but what do i do if i've never felt more whole? what do i do when i feel that i should let this person go, for not only my sake, but his too?

sure, i might feel broken, and lost, and unsure of what the future will bring, but all the pieces are there. i just have to put everything back together, and the thought of this person helps to keep me trying, to take the time to fit the pieces back together, to take this life one day at a time.

im sorry this is kinda all over the place,, it just tears me apart, the idea of letting this person go, letting him just become a part of my past. i know i probably need to, again, for my sake and his. i keep hurting myself, and i've no doubt made things harder than they already were for him. its all just kinda a jumbled mess internally rn, wanting to find myself peace, to be better, and to do what's best for him.

[jmoriarty-221b]

New AU idea: I’ve found out that there’s some versions of the Batman comics where Tim Drake becomes Red Robin straight off the bat (he was never Robin & didn’t go to Batman) so I’m running with that

This Tim Drake doesn’t find Batman all that amazing, he recognizes Batman as a hero and as a symbol of Hope for Gotham, but he also sees him as just one man trying to make a difference, he holds more admiration towards Robin, specifically Jason’s Robin since he knows Gotham in ways Batman doesn’t, he checks on the street kids and the homeless, makes hot chocolate runs for the working girls when he can, and he is more interested in helping those in Crime Alley, a place where Batman and the previous Robin didn’t tend to patrol before Jason

And Tim has never been a normal child, there’s really no way for him to be human but there’s also no way to prove that he isn’t human, he passes the DNA tests, he doesn’t have a meta gene, he doesn’t have a mutation nor a difference in genetics, physiologically? There’s nothing to prove that Tim is anything other than human. In practice? Tim isn’t exactly limited if he cut off a limb, if he were to be shot in the head it would take approximately five minutes for him to heal back up, he can decide whether or not a wound will leave scars on his body, he can choose whether or not a mortal wound would put him in the ground permanently, most importantly, he can choose whether or not to contact his crew from the Isle that was supposed to be his home

There’s a reason as to why Tim isn’t exactly fond of heroes, after all, heroes decided to sentence countless of children yet to be born to a life of pain, suffering and poverty amongst an island filled with villains, heroes are the ones who put a barrier over the Isle that prevented its occupants from accessing their magic, heroes are the reason that his fae sisters and djinn brother and sea witch cousin and pirate friends are unable to access a part of themselves, he reason that they are unable to grow up properly and learn to control and feel and channel their magical cores, heroes are the reason for why him and his family hide behind fake names, and if it wasn’t for his parents’ quick thinking and preparations to flee then heroes would’ve been the reason he would’ve also grown up imprisoned and unable to access an integral part of himself

So no, Tim isn’t exactly impressed by the Batman

But Gotham exudes a similar signature as the one of the Isle of the Lost, making it the one place to where his parents could establish themselves undetected as the pollution would obscure their magical signatures had anyone looked for them, of course, Tim wasn’t old enough to learn how to lock down his own magical core in a way that wasn’t detrimental to himself, so he couldn’t be taken out of Gotham to accompany his parents on their numerous trips around the world, and such was his boredom that he decided to take advantage of his lack of adult supervision and explore Gotham

Having been taught about what became of the people he would’ve known as family from his parents as well as reading up every book he could in the ancient family library regarding long distance communication with magical kin, Tim ends up with a plan to meet with kids on the Isle as soon as he can, it turns out that establishing communication with the Isle requires for him to be in a part of Gotham that has the same atmosphere as the Isle, so Little Tim sets up shop in a semi secure rooftop in Crime Alley and establishes communication, needless to say he’s in for a surprise because “Oh wow why are you there Mr. Hades, you could escape any time and there’s no way those mortals could hope to contain your power, so why are you on the Isle?”

Turns out that attempting communication from a place surrounded by death and sorrow would lead to Tim establishing a magical video chat with the Lord of the Underworld, who’d’ve thunk? Anyway, Hades is literally just chilling for the next hundred years on the Isle because it’s easier to agree to mortals’ demands than obliterate them, and it’s less paperwork too so win-win, and one afternoon he’s suddenly communicating with one of the cutest little chipmunks he’s seen (kids are cute, and Tim is still a baby so he’s Tiny Cute) who introduced himself as Timothy Dwake and isn’t that just precious that the little tyke still has trouble with his r’s but how is he able to communicate with him on the Isle oh, that’s Janet’s kid, well shit guess he has a godson now (Janet had always wanted for Tim to be protected and that’s why she had been one of the few to escape the Isle, she had been a good friend back in the day so it seemed only fair for him to return the favor by looking out for Tiny Tim; it has nothing to do with Tim’s very cute face and slightly chubby cheeks that he kinda wants to pinch and his cute little lisp no Persephone I’m not attached-)

Anyway, so Tim ends up learning from his Uncle H on how to control his magical core and how to defend himself against physical and magical threats, he has a talent for using shadows to conceal himself as well as to listen in on others and gather information, if he concentrates really hard he can even manipulate shadows into solid figures, once he told this to his Uncle new training lessons began and now Tim is able to maintain his shadow constructs solid for longer periods of time as well as give them shape, over time he would learn more control over his ability and it will become easier to make weapons from shadows, his Uncle H also trains him in combat, particularly lost forms of combat from ancient civilizations

One particular night Tim wasn’t able to go to their meeting spot in Crime Alley, there was an Arkham Breakout and he wasn’t about to be caught up in that shit because could he fight off some villains and protect himself? Sure, but that would mean a possibility of getting the Batman’s attention and he’s not about to do that so staying at home it is, and now he is walking alone in the Drake gardens, he has no one to practice his fighting techniques with, no one to talk to, no one to teach him about what’s happening in the Isle, no one to teach him how to control his powers and his parents are gone for most of the year and they say that they’ll take him with them when he’s older but they’ve been saying that for years and now he’s much better at concealing his power and the King of Auradon believes he put every villain away for good so it’s not like they’re searching for his magical signature anyway so WHY WON’T HIS PARENTS TAKE HIM WITH THEM!?!?!? WHY IS HE ALWAYS LEFT ALONE!?!?!?

As he got progressively angrier, Tim hadn’t noticed how his power became stronger, how shadows grew larger, nor how the ground seemed to tremble and crack, it wasn’t until the ground literally split in front of him that he realized that maybe his power may have gotten out of hand, a bit, maybe, to be fair, he didn’t mean to summon a skeleton warrior with who he could practice his fighting with but hey, silver lining and all that, and he has something else to tell his Uncle H about in their next meeting (Hades may or may not have blessed his godson, and the blessing may or may not have given Tim some sort of control over his domains)

Anyway, eventually Tim learns how to see what’s happening in the Isle on his own from a sort of bird’s eye view, he sees what kids his age are going through and tries to find ways to alleviate the pain, he begins to talk to the kids and establishes rapport with them, he becomes friends with little Uma and Harry by bonding over swordplay, he gives Jay and Carlos tips for how to find the best hiding spots, he learns from Evie how to hide more stuff in his clothes and how to add more protective fabrics to his wardrobe, he and Mal bond over high parental expectations (she reminds him of Hades sometimes, and he thinks her eyes are a very pretty green with gold flecks sprinkled in, he may have a crush???) (Psssst, Mal likes Tim’s eyes too, she thinks it’s very pretty how they seem to change shades depending on his mood and when he’s happy they match her purple hair) *cue cuteness from these unfortunate little beans because yes*

Anyway, Tim has been working on creating a portal to a secluded part of the Isle from where he could send supplies to kids there, he was 8 years old when he started looking into this possibility after managing to make friends with the kids and now, at 13, he has finally managed to make it happen, he can only send non-living things through the portal tho, because although theoretically he Could send himself over, then he’d be stuck behind the barrier and couldn’t access his magic so that’s a big no, and he also can’t take the risk of getting someone from the Isle out because he can’t guarantee their safety (he tried with small insects and one time with a mouse; they died); the first thing he sends are medical supplies, food and bottled water, at first it’s only for his close friends, then they all establish a sort of routine and plan to get these supplies to other kids while hiding what they’re doing from their parents behind the guise of building their own gang on the Isle, Uma with the pirates and Mal with the inner city, Tim becomes their sort of advisor on important matters having seen what strategy tends to work when recruiting people as well as how to better approach street kids, he gets nicknamed the Shadow Angel for helping from behind the curtain, literally

Tim continues to learn as much as he can from his Uncle H, shadows Robin around Crime Alley, avoids gaining Batman’s attention and acquires supplies to send to the Isle three times a week from different places (he’s gotta cover his tracks, otherwise he runs the risk of getting Batman’s attention even if it’s just because the same person keeps buying food, water and medical supplies from various stores each week) but Tim has money, and he has experience regarding gangs and their recruiting and internal works (he’s helping his friends make their own gangs after all) and these people are in need of help as well, so he decides to make his own ‘gang’ by hiring people to do supply runs for him, he poses as a recruiter and gives fliers with information about his own gang and the benefits that joining will have (health insurance, dental, payed maternity leave, payed recuperation period, payed physical therapy and medical bills in case Batman decides to pop in, education is provided for anyone who wishes to get their GED and continue their education, etc); in the end, Tim keeps the Boss’ identity a secret until he reaches adulthood because no one would take a kid seriously, but he ends up amassing his own gang in Gotham while at the same time improving the life of people in poverty areas like Crime Alley and the Bowery

Of course, everything comes to a head when Mal, Evie, Jay and Carlos are elected to go to school in Auradon leaving Uma as the only leader on the Isle, meanwhile Tim has been keeping tabs on Robin and gets to save Jason from Joker in Ethiopia (turns out being able to summon a skeleton army comes in handy when rescuing Robin from a deranged psychopath like Joker) so Tim is simultaneously saving Jason while still trying to remain anonymous to Batman (he’s built and maintained an entire gang in the most crime ridden part of Gotham for years, he’s not about to get involved with the Bats now)

So Tim only finds out about what happened to Mal, Evie, Jay and Carlos until they’re already in Auradon and decides you know what? Fuck it, I’m gonna meet my friends face to face, besides, he can handle maintaining a gang in Gotham, he’s sure he can handle Auradon (update: he cannot, he’s this close 🤏 to rocking someone’s shit, he proposes overtaking the kingdom twice a day, he knows they could do it, and it’ll be easy even, but it’s the paperwork that’s holding them back, meh, let Ben do the grunt work and become an advisor, at least their manipulations would be in favor of improving the life of kids in poverty unlike other people who just want to get more money from their position close to the crown, gotta love politics)

Anyway, Tim Drake does become Red Robin, gang leader and benevolent overlord of Crime Alley and the Bowery, helping Gotham citizens and being the Shadow Angel of the Isle, plotting Auradon’s downfall for fun on his slow days as well as working on taking out the kids from the Isle and setting up safe houses for them for when he and his friends figure out how to save the kids

[langernameohnebedeutung]

I’m probably parrotting to the wrong choir here, but at least part of the truth about liking villains vs. condemning villains is...I don’t consume villain content in order to find healthy coping strategies and genuine life advice. I don’t look for healthy coping strategies in sci-fi films and fantasy books or on ao3 in the first place, because 99% of all that input is not produced by people that a) intent or b) are qualified to give meaningful life advice.

 Sometimes things we read or watch can be detrimental to our mental health or can make us happier or mean a lot to us. And that is also why it is important to tag, warn, and summarise content: So that people can avoid things that are bad for them and find things that comfort them. But what popular fiction never is, is a clear, intentional, professional, and universal guide.

 We already talked about how even the most horrible people will read novels where they resemble the bad guys and identify with the good guys instead rather than reflecting their own behaviour. That is, because narratives need stakes. The hero needs to be David, not Goliath. And we too see ourselves as Goliath, in our lives. Because there are always things that are bigger than us. And because we know that David will win.

 But sometimes...sometimes it is quite nice to feel like the giant. Especially when we’re used to feeling small.

 Sure “I like this villain because villains get to do things we want to but can’t” might seem like a tiny brained answer, but if you expand a little, there is truth to it: Sometimes I want to see someone go bloody ape-shit in response to trauma, injustice, being underestimated or forgotten. Sometimes I want to see someone just care about themselves and burn the whole place down and look fabulous doing it, because I know, that in real-life, very often it is sympathy and empathy holding me back for even insisting on minor and very rational things, simply because I don’t want to be a burden on others and because I prioritise other people very highly. There is catharsis in that; in seeing someone getting it out of their system in the most violent way possible just like there is catharsis in going for a run or punching the hell out of a punching bag when you’re frustrated even though you would never chase down and beat up a person.

Because even when see characters standing up for themselves - think of the infamous internet rage over Captain Marvel stealing that bike from the dude that harassed her – their actions are usually centred around punishing the culprit, not the emotions of the party that was wronged. But people got angry. Not because she stole a car, or because she stole it from a men even – but because her acting in response to sexual harassment connected the scene with deep roots of social context and political opinions and expectations.

And, despite hundreds, maybe thousands of films in existence where a white male protagonist steals a car or bike or anything else to save the day, she is read as a villain here simply for doing the rational thing. Much less could she have killed him and burnt down his house, because she is a hero and it doesn’t serve the plot and that would not be the thing a hero does.

A villain burning the whole joint down because someone looked at them funny is acting selfishly, self-centred. But what are you going to do, call them a villain? Duh. Complain about how what they’re doing is wrong? Well, yes.

 The lane of their actions is not narrowed by the actions of the culprit on the one side (heroes have to react appropriately and proportionally) and the expectations of the good-guy on the other (they have to act in accordance with forwarding the plot). Which means putting up with an asshole sidekick or apologising if they undergo character development that makes them a ‘better’ person and requires them to forgive someone). You might have your odd Logan who will throw a punch when he’s pissed – but here we already venture into the territory of an anti-hero.

And personally, our anger, our disappointment, all that will always be much more contained than any fictional space - by our financial situation, the people we depend on, our job, our studies, or family, our social circle. We live in a web of social expectations that we depend on every moment of our life.

Fiction itself also exists in a web of social context: What influence does it have on the audience? Will it sell? What implications does it have? How does it present its characters? Who is the author and what do they stand for? - but the fictional space, aka the world constructed in a novel, is wholly separate:

If I write a novel where I state that every Canadian person likes the colour blue and wears funny hats, then this is true in the universe of that novel, no matter what any Canadian reader might feel about it. This means two things:

1.       As writers, producers, and even as producers of fan-content, we have to be critical about what we put into the world, because by creating a fictional space, we create characters who cannot stand up against the things we say about them or make them do. Just like the superheroine in the skimpy outfit who gets her powers through the sun shining down on her nipples cannot have an authentic discussion about her body. And when young girls read our comic and see that all the male heroes are clothed and the heroine isn’t, then we are the one that came up with the sunshine-nipples.

2.       Our very own, personal interpretation of the novel – even our own - and the way we relate to it is our own. The feelings we project on the characters are individual, personal, and shaped by us.

And yes, villains usually see their comeuppance. And the thing is, many people argue here: “Well, it’s okay if the villain does x, as long as they’re punished for it.” But...that’s a difficult subject. A piece of fiction can condemn the actions of the villain without seeing them lose – the challenge to the writer is to still form a satisfying narrative, because the villain winning is the ‘likely’-seeming thing that every narrative subverts when the hero levels up and returns with her new friends to kick the villain’s ass. But even if you sympathise with the villain, seeing them win would still be an unsatisfying narrative, most of the time.

Because the whole point of an actual evil villain - and sympathising with an actual villain - is that what they’re doing is unjust. Malicious. Selfish. And projecting your desire to strike back or stand up on a villain and seeking catharsis through seeing them go wild and tear down the city needs the pushback. For them burning down the house to be satisfying, you need to see the house burn. For them to blow up the house of parliament to be satisfying – you must see the explosion.

And watching them lose provides the ultimate, necessary gravitas. Watching Team Rocket fly off with Pikachu and live happily ever after on Team Rocket money would not be satisfying. Watching our super-villain burn the world to a crisp with their death-laser would not be satisfying if they just end up getting their rocket and flying off while drinking space-mojitos.

Whether they end up being redeemed or not: The initial moment that someone fights back and defeats them at the height of their immorality and prevents the suffering of innocents is the moment that their willingness and readiness to commit violence is put to the test.

 We know the hero goes through a journey of their own - one that requires sacrifice and steels their commitment until they are ready to take on the villain. And knowing that someone is willing to make sacrifices to be able to take the villain down is the ultimate acknowledgement of the transgressive act the villain committed. Without it, it would be empty. Like watching someone punch the air.

But the truth is also that when you recreate the fictional space in another, secondary space – fanfiction, fan content, fanart – you decide what to focus on. Like, we all enjoy hurt/comfort stories, but they have a different intention than something focussed on action or the growth of the hero – because that requires for us to see the villain go down. The focus is no longer the transgressive acts of the villain – but to lay bare the pain that caused them. It is no longer about beating them down for the sake of justice.

Like, when I make a post about Frankenstein’s monster living happily ever after and people tell me that hey, the monster killed a lot of people - then we have a different premise. Because me not adding a line about the evil things the monster did to my post was based on the premise that you knew that random tumblr user langernameohnebedeutung does not condone the crime of murder because she posts about a 200-year-old book. And the #fact that my point doesn’t construct an ending where the monster stands in front of a judge and is sentenced to a certain time in jail or punished by a more heroic person is because I have daddy issues and seeing a giant creature go on a rampage through Europe to get back at its asshole Dad in a way I never could makes me quite happy the novel focussing on its acts of violence already did this and my post clearly had a different intention.

[lavendairs]

♚  ━━━  ❛ ALL ABOUT AUGUST.

G E N E R A L  —

NAME.         his full birth name is august ahn-evergreene, his last names being a combination of his maternal and paternal last names because his mother wasn’t going to allow her children to not have her last name in some fashion. however, in his twenties he drops evergreene and only uses ahn as his last name due to a rift with his mother / wanting an identity separate from her ( he’s not fond of his father either but he has a habit of leaving town so it’s easier for august to distance himself from that part of his family’s ‘legacy’ ).

AGE.         he appears in his late 20s ( 27-30 ) but is around 60 years old due to the extended lifespan of a mage.

HEIGHT.          he stands at 6′1 ( 185.42 ). no, he’s not a sloucher and is the type to internally judge people who do because stand up straight wtf?

WEIGHT.          170 pounds ( 77.1kg ). he’s lean and not overly muscular; doesn’t do much heavy physical activity anymore due to his current ‘condition’.

ETHNICITY.         korean-filipino american mage. he comes from a bloodline of magic-users. if commenting on his natural magical prowess, expect a dry ‘of course, i was breed to be.’ in response.

OCCUPATION.           he is what the people of crescent creek call ‘the overseer’, the highest sitting member of the council of novema ( or just ‘the council’ for short ). they are the ones who ‘govern’ the town and its people, establishing laws and stepping in to resolve high-level matters between residents if it should come to it. with the council needing to hear matters from the magi, vampires, fae, werewolves, and other beings, august has a constant headache.

GENDER.          cis-male.

SEXUAL & ROMANTIC ORIENTATION.         he would state that he’s heterosexual but admittedly he’s never fully explored his sexuality enough for that to be a definite statement. he hasn’t seriously dated in a very long time™ and it isn’t interested in changing that.

MBTI.         INTJ-A,  The  Architect  —  it can be lonely at the top. as one of the rarest personality types – and one of the most capable – architects ( INTJs ) know this all too well. rational and quick-witted, architects may struggle to find people who can keep up with their nonstop analysis of everything around them. these personalities can be both the boldest of dreamers and the bitterest of pessimists. architects believe that, through willpower and intelligence, they can achieve even the most challenging of goals. but they may be cynical about human nature more generally, assuming that most people are lazy, unimaginative, or simply doomed to mediocrity.

S P E C I F I C S  —

FAVOURITE  FOOD.           he’s very particular about getting his three meals a day in if he can but he probably has the most fondest for food that was often served at dinner time with his family or when all his cousins spent time at his lola’s house when they visited her. dishes such as bopis, kimchi, pancit canton, tocino and rice, korean styled steak, etc. are personal favorites.

FAVOURITE  DRINK.           his day isn’t complete without having a nice, chilled glass of vintage red wine during dinner ( and maybe just drinking straight from the bottle by the end of the night ). he does enjoy drinking rosé during a nice breakfast or lunch depending on the bottle.

FAVOURITE  HOBBY.          brooding. joking aside, he does enjoy sparring matches, ‘magical’ based sparring matches. he does practice taekkyeon ( korean martial arts ) and enjoys mixing spells in by shocking opponents, blocking their spells with his own wards, etc.

FAVOURITE  SCENT.             the smell of freshly cut grass as well as the scent of pomegranates, vanilla, cinnamon, and musk. the former is bittersweet and nostalgic, reminding of his years as a teen: when he was young, oblivious, and only had to be concerned about being late to football / soccer practice. the latter reminds him of someone he would rather forget.

FAVOURITE  PERSON.        i. his twin brother, ansel ahn. his death still hurts and he’ll always partially blame himself for it - despite the fact that there would’ve been nothing he could’ve done to change it. ( this is the part where that wand.avision quote is inserted in ). the loss of his brother dramatically changes the course of his life. ii. his lola, nora evergreene. she grounds him a lot. one of the few times he’s at peace is when he visits her for brunch every third saturday of the month. iii. his ex, audrey cramer. he would never admit it out loud though - at least not anymore.

T E N   F A C T S  —

he’s well versed in magical creatures : one of the 'gifts’ of being the overseer is the ability to traverse pass the veil - a barrier / entry way that exist between ‘earth’ and the many dimensions that exist beyond it. this ability, however, is one that has fallen out of use over the past few decades. ever the abnormally, august makes use of this ability for his own personal agenda. outside of the different races that already live within crescent creek ( witches, vampires, werewolves, fairies, etc. ), there are those that prefer to live freely in their own worlds rather than live in secrecy on earth. so yes, he has met unicorns and he thinks most of them are actually assholes.

on the nature of the veil : the origin of the veil itself is a mystery. all that is known that about its existence is that many millennium ago, those from different dimensions ( or ‘worlds’ ) were able to freely pass through it without the need of assistance or a spell. as time progressed and humanity began to rise, passage through the veil became increasingly more restricted, leading to entry ways within the veil being sealed and only accessible through the leader in each world ( ex. the overseer in crescent creek ). although the town of crescent creek has always traded with other towns, cities, etc. pass the veil, many of those trades have slowed to a stop entirely as those dimensions have become inaccessible. to somewhat ease panic and concern, the council has framed the issue being due to other dimensions permanently closing themselves off from earth ( a situation that has previously happened some worlds ). in truth, the veil itself has become 'infected’ by a foreign spell that’s led to the blocking of entry ways that lead into other worlds. due to not knowing the source of the spell and its affect on the veil, the knowledge of its presence is unknown to most people in crescent creek. // note: this is more of an overall ‘lore’ fact that explains the backdrop of what’s going on in this ‘world’ to understand other facts about him. in the grand scheme of things, this wouldn’t come up when interacting with him.

he doesn’t believe in astrologists, psychics, fortune tellers, etc. : which may seem contradictory considering he’s a literal magical being but in his experience, it’s typically humans pushing pseudoscience or mages using their magic to con clueless humans. people in that line of ‘work’ are hacks to him - especially since he’s seen it first hand with his own father’s profession.

over the past twenty years, he’s been continuing his brother’s research : ansel, his older, twin brother, had been studying the distortions within the veil in secret before his death a decade prior. although the status of the veil was supposed to be concealed to those outside of the council’s reach, ansel confided in his brother before his death. in august’s eyes, whatever spell that’s taken over the veil is an active threat and with the backing of onyx crane, a vampire on the council, and his cousin, faye evergreene, he began an almost obsessive-like determination to complete his brother’s work and find answers - even if it’s to his own detriment. // *note: with a big soap opera trope being people returning from the dead, it shouldn’t be shocking to discover that ansel, is in fact, not actually dead. he used a storm that hit the town as a means to fake his own death ( disasters that kill off characters is usually a soap opera storyline that happens during ‘sweeps’ period ) and left town for his own agenda.

the youngest overseer to sit in the council : his status as the overseer is one steeped in controversy due to...a variety of reasons: an overseer typically is replaced by another council member by vote or an apprentice to the overseer should they have one after an overseer’s death, resignation, or if they’ve been forcefully discharged from the position. none of these things applied to august’s own mother, tala ahn-evergreene, when he usurped her - blackmailing the council by threatening to expose the truth about the current threat of the veil. // *note: in every ( american ) soap opera, it is a staple to have a ‘thing’, whether it be a business, a central institution in town ( ex. a hospital ), or a position ( CEO of a company, chief of staff at a hospital, etc. ) that many of the characters are tied to or even fighting for control over. ELQ, the quartermaine’s family business on general hospital, often have storylines where family members are fighting over shares of the company, who should run it, or the family teaming up to oust an outsider that’s taken over the company ( funnily enough, there is a story like the latter happening on the show right now ). the point here is that being the overseer or even sitting on the council of novema is that ‘thing’ that people fight over to be on for various reason. 

he takes his personal upkeep very seriously : there’s a lot of things one could say about crescent creek’s current overseer but no one can ever say they’ve seen august ahn not look put together when he’s out and about ( this is him going out publicly basically ). as someone who values consistency and control in his life but pretty much never has it, august actually highly treasures the time spent doing his morning / nightly skincare routines, getting his acupuncture treatments, and so on. he supports the self care movement essentially.

he ( as well as his siblings ) once witnessed one of his father’s affairs : it was an awful experience. -10/10. doesn’t recommend. this incident shapes his attitude towards relationships in general and how he operates within them. august has a very black and white attitude about relationships: you are either with him 100% or you’re not with him at all. it’s unhealthy and he has to unpack that. // *fun fact: this is actually a real event that happened with this family back in the sims 2 over ten years ago - they just all had different names, were a different race, and so on at that point.. they’ve changed a lot:tm:. 

may be an active suspect for murder : it happens. when marlena cramer, a former council member, suddenly passes on, the town is overtaken by a wave of a grief...that soon becomes shock and suspicion when her death is rules to be from unnatural causes. between being one of the last people to see her alive and reports of him wanting her off the council, august becomes one of the prime suspects for her murder case. // *note: whodunit’s are probably up there with ‘who’s the daddy’ storylines in terms of being the most common soap opera staple ( ex. who shot j.r. on dallas ).

voted most likely to be successful in his HS yearbook : august was the picture perfect prom king, the jock that was friends with everyone on campus, and the one everyone expected ride off into the sunset with his hs sweetheart. on paper, august was well rounded - some would say outright perfect. today, those who knew him in high school would shake their heads and ask themselves what happened to the boy who always smiled at them when he passed you by in the hallway or whose laughter could easily be heard the loudest in a classroom. august, as he is now, is a stranger to those that once knew him.

it’s happening gradually but he is, in fact, dying : many of the worlds that had become unaccessible were not only blocked off but were actively decaying - many of its residents fleeing to other worlds before they were forever trapped in a dying one while others locked their entry ways to stop the spell from spreading to their own homes. the overseers in crescent creek were restricted from traversing the veil themselves due to the unknown risk of the spell, a rule that august actively ignores. every time he travels through the veil, the more the spell slowly eats away at him - a fact that he is well aware of and he has no desire to stop. he will keep traveling worlds ( and helping those he can ) until he finds the source of the spell and kills its caster himself.

FIVE  THINGS  HE  LIKES.

visiting the sauna. the heat helps with his internal pain.

eating home-cooked meals.

getting hydrafacials ( james_franco_so_good.gif ).

smoking with his cousin, faye.

blasting emo music as he gets drunk, questions his life choices, and stares at the ceiling

FIVE  THINGS  HE  DISLIKES.

feeling used.

disloyal / uncommitted people

selfishness.

tough, chewy steak.

cheap wine.

COMMON  WORDS / PHRASES  THAT  ANNOY  THEM.         during a misunderstanding or argument, the worst thing to tell him is that he ‘doesn’t understand’. even if the person is somewhat correct, august is a person that prides himself on being an objective observer of a situation, rational in his thinking, and not someone who lets his emotions dictate his choices. saying something like that to him would just further annoy him.

PERSONALITY  TYPES  THEY  PREFER.        those who are smart, loyal, and efficient. those who are willing to dirty their hands on occasion, and believe that the ends do justify the means.

PERSONALITY  TYPES  THEY  AVOID.       selfish and incompetent people, those who proceed to waste his time, useless people in positions of powers, jerky unicorns.

WHAT  DO  YOU  FIND  DIFFERENT / DISTINCT  ABOUT  YOUR  PORTRAYAL?

         the whole concept of this ‘world’ is based around soap opera cliches and tropes so the character is intentionally ‘tropey’ and meant to pull from different fictional men from the genre - as well as outside of it. i would say him being the leading man is unique within itself because people of color in soaps ( at least within american soaps which this is all inspired by ) are generally never the leads or involved in what i actually watch soaps for: the drama, the love stories, the scheming, the cheating, etc. they’re usually the straight men to the white characters; living well off but boring lives and are rarely given front burner stories. all black people in a soap opera are usually always going to somehow know each other, only date each other, etc. you can switch black people out with latinos, asians, etc. and it would still be true. the characters of color are easily written off as a result of this.

        in general, soap operas are very white - and still are today. they have a history of casting white people as mexican characters, ex. lindsay hartley as theresa on passions. asian american soap characters are severly lacking - i could probably count the amount of i’ve seen on screen. a black actress formerly on general hospital mentioned how people jokingly called the show ‘generally white hospital’ behind the scenes. chad.wick bos.eman left all my children because of how much of a stereotype his character was - and he was right ( ironically, michael b. jord.an was his recast ). some shows are getting better, bold and beautiful currently has a story involving two characters cheating ( one of which is black ) and it’s hot af but it’s still not enough for the times we’re in. this isn’t a problem exclusive to soaps either - most media has a problem with this. people of color aren’t getting lead roles and especially not romantic lead roles - even if they do, the shows always make it a interracial romance with a white person ( ex. bridg/erton ) as if people of color of different races are incapable of dating each other.

         finally, i’ve noticed that you rarely see asian american men portrayed as romantic leads or desirable ( at least in a non-fetishized way ) in western media. that’s pretty lame:tm: so that was also a factor when i revamped audrey’s love interest ( parts of ‘old’ him still exist, ex. him being a jock / king of the school as a teen, a complicated relationship with his brother, etc ). anyway, stan august uwu.

tagged by:   i took it from myself. tagging:   anyone who wants to.

[ash-trash]

💗💥☀️🌙🌺 for all your ACTIVE RP charr.

Oh my! To keep this from going overboard, I’m going to keep this to Charr that are participating in active guild or open RP! Let’s get started...

Sela Lunarstep:

💗 Ramble a bit about this character!

Oh gosh, there’s so much to ramble about! Sela’s actually not my oldest EU character, she’s younger than Kurra by a smidge, but she’s definitely my favorite! She’s currently having a pretty rough go of it, but I really love thinking about her “private” life outside of Warband stuff - she gets into tussles, makes jewelry, all sorts of exciting things! :3c Sela’s name comes from, shocker, the Greek moon goddess Selene, while Lunarstep has changed a bit over the years. Originally, she was a shadowstep thief build, which is where the Lunarstep came from, but now it’s more of a... she’s always at the front of the pack, leading the charge, sort of deal. :p

💥 Are there any emotions your OC doesn’t know how to deal with, doesn’t understand or hates having to feel? Any reason behind this?

Sela is garbage at dealing with anything related to her own vulnerabilities and weaknesses, aha. She’s built up this huge facade of bravado that fixates on her being the perfect soldier and the best Legionnaire and so she has a huuuuge amount of trouble asking for (or accepting) help, or admitting that she can’t do something. Vulnerability is a big no-no and so naturally, although she does well with the more maternal relationships within her Warband, she really struggles with anything that veers towards the romantic. As far as hating to feel something, she hates to be embarrassed or humiliated, again related to her own pride and confidence.

☀️ How well does your OC take care of themself? Do they tend to put others before their own wellbeing and if so how often? What is their favourite way to pamper themself?

I’d say that she does a pretty good job of taking care of herself, but she absolutely puts others before herself. She prides herself on taking care of her warband and spoiling them and that often translates to making sure they get the lion’s share of the goodies while she scrimps. That said, she does have enough of an ego to feel that she “deserves” the good stuff, so she generally takes care of her own needs pretty well. Except sleep.

🌙 What are some of your OC’s favourites? Favourite food, colour, season, stuff like that! Give some general simple facts that tend to get overlooked!

Hmmm, stuff that’s overlooked... well, her favourite colour would be purple, season would be fall (she likes the milder weather and really enjoys the autumn leaves), flavorwise she loves spicy things (honestly, just because she’s trying to show off and be tough) as well as deep rich flavours... More obscure stuff might be: Her favourite time of day is late night, favourite bunk is the bottom one, favourite horn is her upper right one, favourite instrument would be the flute (she tends to prefer her music in the higher ranges - piccolo’s up there too!), and favourite cheese would be a nice heady parmesan.

🌺 What additions would your OC make to their body if they could? Lets say, if they don’t have a tail would they want one? Wings? Horns? Do they wish they could shapeshift?

Sela’s pretty happy with her body as it is, but there’s definitely a few changes she’d make. As much as they’d get in the way, she kinda wants bigger horns, and definitely bigger teeth. She’d love to be even more flexible than she is, and she’d like some extra muscle and definition to her legs. Wings would be nice, but definitely not all the time. Shapeshifting, of course! That would come in so handy!

Graf Towercleave (Yes, he still counts >.> ):

💗 Ramble a bit about this character!

Ah, Graf, my old man... Graf is definitely one of those characters with the most fleshed-out backstories, especially in how it affects him nowadays, and all the traumas and memories that come with it. I don’t remember the inspiration for his first name, but the second part was because he was originally designed to be a WvW Firebrand in his off-time (which... never came to fruition, oops), so Towercleave. I’m really excited to see the next step in his journey, though it coincides with my own journey in such a way that I do find myself getting emotional about the good-byes... ;w;

💥 Are there any emotions your OC doesn’t know how to deal with, doesn’t understand or hates having to feel? Any reason behind this?

I’d say that Graf doesn’t really do well with a lot of the “non-Charr” emotions/feelings: any sort of romance, faith, or selfishness. He’s learned to deal with them in others, to be sure, but they’re still fairly alien to him. I’d say that as far as things he experiences that he struggles with, it would be the trauma of his past - whether it’s something that he experienced in the Sieges, or in his time with the Vigil, he... doesn’t do well with being “scared”, or not in control.

☀️ How well does your OC take care of themself? Do they tend to put others before their own wellbeing and if so how often? What is their favourite way to pamper themself?

He does good at taking care of himself, though perhaps a bit more spartan than is strictly necessary, because that’s what he’s used to. He’s been a soldier his whole life, through and through, and he knows how important maintaining his equipment, including his body, is. He does a good job at keeping himself in shape and healthy, though perhaps to a detriment of not allowing himself many luxuries (except for warm baths, those are always welcome). Although he does consider others, he usually tends to leave them to their own devices, except when he decides they’re too young/naive/bullheaded to do it properly, such as a certain blue-haired warbandmate.

🌙 What are some of your OC’s favourites? Favourite food, colour, season, stuff like that! Give some general simple facts that tend to get overlooked!

Favourite food would be some good old traditional charr chow. Grilled meat, lots of special sauce, no fancy frou-frou to mess with it. Maybe some cheese. As far as colours, although most of his life tends to be filled with red, he’ll admit to liking a nice deep dark navy blue the best. The sea has been a rare treat for him, and he enjoys it when he can. Favourite season would have to be winter. Although he doesn’t care for the snow and cold and slush, he likes the way it makes the world slow down. He likes that everyone hates it together, I suppose. Some more obscure ones... his favourite flavour of pie is strawberry, his favourite place was a small grove in what is now the Dragonbrand - nowadays, it’s probably the Hero’s Canton, because it has the most nice memories without bad ones to taint it.

🌺 What additions would your OC make to their body if they could? Lets say, if they don’t have a tail would they want one? Wings? Horns? Do they wish they could shapeshift?

Honestly, he’d mostly just... fix his current one. Make it less old, less achy, less stiff. Shapeshifting and the rest of it sounds like a lot of faff. He wishes he had a third set of ears so he could hear humans better. Maybe another pair of arms to hold more things.

Naphtha Seizetar:

💗 Ramble a bit about this character!

But I ramble about her so muuuuch, FINE. For any newcomers, Naphtha was originally a villain in a Lunar plot that met a gruesome end, but I loved the concept so much that I had to remake her (a sort of AU, what-if-her-life-turned-out-different) as a good girl. I’ve actually got a sort of spooky story in the works with her (and at the rate I’m going it might be spooky season before it’s ever finished) that’s going to give her a bit of development with her magic because right now the poor girl is a dummy and would rather play with pressure cookers.

💥 Are there any emotions your OC doesn’t know how to deal with, doesn’t understand or hates having to feel? Any reason behind this?

A lot of them, probably. Naph is a sweetie but she doesn’t do well with a lot of “serious” things. She likes being left alone to her own devices and is still getting the hang of the much-more teamwork oriented Seize group. So I guess emotionally, uh, things like teamwork and codependence and responsibility, whatever emotions those are. As far as hates feeling, she really doesn’t like feeling like she’s wrong (ironically). She doesn’t like feeling like she’s being irrational, or that she’s not justified in what she’s doing.

☀️ How well does your OC take care of themself? Do they tend to put others before their own wellbeing and if so how often? What is their favourite way to pamper themself?

She does not. Naph is the kind of gal that would go weeks without showering, live off of corn chips and stale marshmallows she found under the couch, and develop a 12 coffee a day habit so she only has to sleep once a month. Naph does not take very good care of herself at all, and she takes care of others even less. She’s not necessarily inconsiderate, she just... as above, doesn’t do well with the whole teamwork thing and kind of figures that she can take care of herself, so everyone else can too. As far as pampering herself, she rarely goes above what’s “necessary” as far as self-care, but on the rare occasion that she did decide to treat herself, she’d get a lot of fancy soaps and oils and just... go to town on her fur and spend like a whole day grooming and scrubbing and getting the years of grime out of there until she’s as soft and fluffy as can be.

🌙 What are some of your OC’s favourites? Favourite food, colour, season, stuff like that! Give some general simple facts that tend to get overlooked!

Favourite food would be mushroom anything. Probably her favorite ever is something she had in Lion’s Arch one time, some sort of pasta dish with mushrooms and squid ink - it was salty and savory and rich... Her favourite colour would be brown (well, she’d say black but as far as actual COLOURS), and her favourite season would be fall. She likes the spoopy season, and enjoys cronching the leaves. More uncommon things, her favourite shape is octagon, her favorite simple machine is the screw, and her favorite animal is the carrion devourer.

🌺 What additions would your OC make to their body if they could? Lets say, if they don’t have a tail would they want one? Wings? Horns? Do they wish they could shapeshift?

She would absolutely go all out and give herself big ol’ bat wings and like 3 more sets of horns and huuuuge fangs and way bigger claws and a pointy tail and SPIKES and probably a third eye on her forehead... heck yeah.

Elda Throatchop:

💗 Ramble a bit about this character!

Ahhh, Elda. I included her mostly because I wanted to talk about her and also she’s sort of gotten sucked into a few open-ish things lately so she totally counts >.> She’s another NPC-turned-character from Lunar’s Drizzlewood plot, this time a generic helper NPC that was supposed to get killed off but Lunar actually did well enough that she survived, and helped them through the final fight. Aesthetically, she’s actually based off of the Pokemon Obstagoon, which is where her last name comes from as well. Sort of. I’ve honestly had the idea for a Blood engineer in the back of my mind for years now and Elda is absolutely not that! She’s not at all what I would have made had I set out originally to make a Blood engineer, but I love her anyways and I’m really enjoying her.

💥 Are there any emotions your OC doesn’t know how to deal with, doesn’t understand or hates having to feel? Any reason behind this?

Elda hates feeling loneliness. She doesn’t mind being alone, and she can handle that just fine - she likes her private time to tinker or work on projects or test the latest whatever, and she probably does better on her own anyways, but she... needs to know that there’s people there for her if she wants/needs. She doesn’t like being isolated. As far as stuff that she doesn’t know how to deal with, probably regret? She’s so far operated on a kind of “live hard die young” sort of deal (and she almost did, dohohoho) and so when missed opportunities or regrets jump out at her, she’s not really sure what to do about it. It never spurs her to action so she’s kind of just left there staring at it like “so... what now?” and it kind of shuts down her whole mojo for a long time.

☀️ How well does your OC take care of themself? Do they tend to put others before their own wellbeing and if so how often? What is their favourite way to pamper themself?

Elda takes decent enough care of herself. Not exemplary (she’s not out here practicing yoga or getting enough fiber) but well enough! She eats regularly and gets enough sleep and bathes often, so she’s doing pretty good! Although she doesn’t regularly put anyone above herself, she would do it for certain people, like her friends or family. She values them and their role in her life enough that she’s willing to self-sacrifice to make them happy and keep them around. When she does want to treat herself, she tends to splurge a little on some shiny new tool or toy, often with the excuse that it’s for work and it’ll help her be more productive, but she knows that it’s just because it’s bigger and shinier and has an extra spanner or something.

🌙 What are some of your OC’s favourites? Favourite food, colour, season, stuff like that! Give some general simple facts that tend to get overlooked!

Her favourite food would probably be things that are kind of finicky and interactive, so poultry wings, or artichoke, or shellfish. She’s not really picky about flavours, though of course she likes things meaty. Her favourite colour is obviously red, though she’ll admit to a fondness for pink as well. She never understood why humans attach so much meaning to it - pink’s cool. Her favourite season is definitely summer - she likes the clear skies, the bright weather... More random stuff! Her favourite Bop-It command is Twist It, her favourite style of soda pop (if such a thing exists in Tyria, I dunno) is Dr. Pepper, her favourite sport is wrestling, and her favorite piece of clothing is her belt buckle, which is made from the melted down remains of her first gun.

🌺 What additions would your OC make to their body if they could? Lets say, if they don’t have a tail would they want one? Wings? Horns? Do they wish they could shapeshift?

Elda’s pretty happy with how she is, but given her choices, she’d like to be quite a bit taller and a bit bulkier. She wishes her teeth were a bit pointier, and she always wished she could grow a longer mane - she wants to have a big spiky mohawk too. As nice as wings or shapeshifting would be, it seems like having too many things would just get in the way.

[finn-o-corvex]

13, 28 and 37 for the book asks :)

13. How many books have you read this year?

I have read 11 books this year! Approximately 7 of those have been in the last three weeks lol. Quarantine really took the mick outta me when it came to reading. Most of what I’ve read have been rereads though.

28. First book that comes to mind, tell us about it. Rant.

All I am going to say is that you asked for it. And I have decided to make this a positive rant.

The Copernicus Legacy by Tony Abbott.

SO FUCKING GOOD and I am about to tell you why.

[SPOILER WARNING FOR THE REST OF THIS POST! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]

Phenomenal character development. Gives you just enough information about the characters to create a sense of empathy, but not so much as to override the main plot point. Shapes enough of a personality to relate to, but still leave plenty of room for them to grow into the people they will be by the end of the series. Has a striking balance of both seriousness and humor, albeit leaning towards the serious side.

The world building in these books is absolutely incredible. He uses real life people and events and puts new spins on them. He crafted the legendary astronomer Copernicus, who is known as one of the first Europeans to propose the idea that the Earth revolved around the sun, into a pioneer of time travel, creating a fictional time machine known as the Wayback Machine, powered by special objects called relics.

Abbott takes locations that would otherwise seem boring to young readers and makes them exciting to learn about. He subtly educates you about your location without you picking up on it too much through the characters themselves. Abbott isn’t afraid of going to the farthest corners of the globe, he sends his characters to every single continent (including Antarctica!) and it’s so fucking refreshing. He has been to every location in his books before (except Antarctica for good reasons) and has talked to locals and done research right then and there for these books. I’m sure there is stuff wrong somewhere, but he is an author that is more than willing to listen to fan criticisms of his books and even encourages it!

Also, NO ROMANCE! HUZZAH!! There are hints sprinkled throughout the books of potential between at least two pairs of two characters, but they never outright come out and say anything until the last book, and even then, the characters who said it agree that they are not ready for a relationship and decide to wait until they are older. The hints are enough for you to notice them, but subtle enough to where they can be ignored, and they aren’t detrimental to the plot line. They are much more tangible in the later books, but once again not super important to the plot and only used somewhat for character development.

GALINA! I have to talk about Galina. Galina Krause is this series’ big bad villainess, and OH MY FUCKING GOODNESS I LOVE HER. At the beginning of this series, she is portrayed as a very cruel and uncaring mistress, but for good reason. By the end of the series, the reader sees her descent into madness, her obsession with obtaining the relics and rebuilding the machine so that she can see her now deceased husband and daughter one more time before she inevitably dies of incurable cancer. Her motives make sense. She is such a tragic character. By the end of the book, she never gets to see her husband and child, as she was just a bit too late. Her story is super mysterious in books 1, 1 1/2, and partway through 2, but then it starts being more and more uncovered as we are taken through more and more flashbacks into the past through her fractured memories. Galina Krause is really just a woman who is desperate to see her beloved husband and baby daughter again, and we see her descent into madness as she runs out of her already very limited time and she seems to be getting nowhere. It is so fucking good and I am HERE for it.

Hans. Fucking. Novak. One of the main plot twists in this series that I never saw coming. Hans Novak is the (i assume) fictional assistant and apprentice to Copernicus, the only other person who knew about the Wayback Machine until Copernicus told the Guardians. Guardians are the people that were directly appointed by Copernicus to protect the relics with their lives, with the role being passed down from generation to generation, with some families devoting their whole life to protecting them. Hans is considered the first true Guardian, even before Magellan (the Guardian discussed in the first book), and was thrown through a wormhole by the Wayback Machine before Copernicus dismantled it to keep it safe. He lands in the 21st century, and disguises himself under the identity Carlo Nuovenuto, and hides Copernicus’s personal diary which he wrote away from Galina Krause. He helps our main heroes from the shadows, often stepping in when least expected, before making his final appearance in Antarctica, facing off against Markus Wolff (WHO IS ALSO A FANTASTIC CHARACTER) in a battle of wills.

If I keep going I will literally bore you to oblivion but YEAH! THIS IS AN AWESOME AS FUCK BOOK SERIES. This series is also FILLED to the brim with secret codes and messages, very clever puzzles, and it’s so freaking cool!

37. Is there a book you think everyone should read?

Uh

Well if you bothered to read the absolute monster up there, then yes I quite obviously do.

BUT! In case you didn’t, I actually have some more!!

Michael Vey: Awesome story, good representation. Main character with Tourette’s syndrome (I know right? Whose ever heard of that?), Blind black character with actual human emotions other then anger and who still needs help from his friends to guide him, and so much more! It’s an awesome read.

The Paladin Prophecy: Another really awesome story! This main character is very emotionally stunted and struggles with figuring out who he truly is because his parents have required him to wear a mask in front of everyone. It’s an action story first and foremost, but there is incredible emotional and mental development among all of the characters once you’re looking for it. Good racial representation as well!

The Shadow Children: This one is definitely older but just as good!! The story follows several main characters, all illegal ‘third children’ in a borderline dictatorship world that only allows two and punishes those with more. The real main character starts a revolution against the corrupted government and the Population Police, the people who round up third children. The conclusion of the book is open-ended, and leaves it up to the imagination whether or not the revolution is successful. Much to be desired in the representation department though, don’t go into this story expecting a ton of diversity.

I have several more recommendations but I feel like I’ve ranted on enough lol. Message me if you want more though! I’m always down for a book chat :)

[fortylessonsbeforeforty]

Lesson 7

I’ve learnt to be mindful of the people you surround yourself with. Motivational speaker Jim Rohn explains it best, when he said “we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.” Whether we like it or not, we are greatly influenced by those closest to us in our thinking, our habits, the way we act and behave. And this can be to our benefit or our detriment, depending on the type of people who you choose to be around. Professor Marc Brackett discusses in his book ‘Permission to Feel’ the concept of emotion contagion, where our emotions transfer from one person to another, both consciously and unconsciously. So we should seek those who help support the way we want to feel and become.

Motivational speaker, author and advisor, Charlie Tremendous Jones says, “You will be the same person in five years as you are today, except for the people you meet and the books you read.” For me, I feel like I am constantly changing and growing and believe that is what life is about. And the way I’ve done that is by putting myself amongst people who push me to become a better person, encourage me, challenge me, call me out, reign me in, pick me up when I’ve fallen and most importantly, those that are there to celebrate my victories. Some of the people that have helped shaped me into the person I am today aren’t necessarily still those that are closest to me today. This isn’t a good or bad thing I’ve realised, it’s just life.

One song that epitomises this sentiment is ‘For Good,’ from the musical Wicked. There are so many lyrics that I could share, but I feel the ones that speak to this the greatest are:

It well may be That we will never meet again In this lifetime So, let me say before we part So much of me Is made of what I learned from you You’ll be with me Like a handprint on my heart And now whatever way our stories end I know you have rewritten mine By being my friend

Because I knew you I have been changed For good

I look back on my life and there have been people who’ve come and gone in my life, who still have the greatest impact on me. Teachers when I was a student myself, some who mentored me when I was studying to be one and in the early years of my career and even those that I’ve mentored myself, I have learnt from. My grandparents have been instrumental in shaping who I am from the youngest age and still to this day. There are friendships and relationships I’ve had at different phases of my life, who’ve taught me things, both good and bad about myself, that I’ll forever be grateful for. A quote that has stuck with me constantly over the years is, ‘people enter our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. We only get disappointed when we try to force relationships beyond their purpose.’

It’s definitely been sad and disappointing over the years, saying goodbye to people who have had such an impact on my life, who sometimes just naturally drift away and others you have to make the tough decision to let go of because you know they aren’t contributing to your health, happiness and growth in a positive way. I’ve read so many quotes about this, but one I feel that sums it up best is from poet r.h.sin, “You’re gonna outgrow the friends who were secretly holding you back. You’re going to grow distant because you’re moving forward instead of standing still in THEIR comfort zone. You’re not losing friends. Your growth is just exposing the enemies you’ve befriended. Keep growing towards a better you.” Always the ‘ever-optimist’ that looks for the silver lining in all situations, I find comfort in knowing that, those friends who were once so close to me but have drifted away, have done so, in order for me to move forward to become the next best version of myself. If the people around you aren’t helping lift you up to become a better person and cheering for you the loudest, and encouraging you to succeed, it’s often time to find new people.

I know that I’m far from the end of my journey, but I have often reflected at different points of my life and expressed gratitude for the people who’ve contributed to the person I am and where I’m at today. @taylorswift said it best in her acceptance speech for album of the year (1989) at the 2015 Grammy Awards, “Someday when you get where you’re going, you will look around and you will know that it was you and the people who love you that put you there and that will be the greatest feeling in the world.”

[wisedabarber]

March 23, 2020

All In All

A Spiritual Reflection

___

By Simon P. Faison

Introduction

This is a pivotal time in human history. Where the choices of a select few (whether you believe its the so-called new world order or the superpowers) over the next few days and months shall, directly and indirectly, affect the shape of our very lives to its core.

Many of us now sit in a state of perpetual uneasy, worried about what tomorrow may bring or what new disaster the next news feed will bring cross our phone screens. Many are wondering if the government will pay lost wages to those laid off, will they help the small business owners who still have bills piling in pay they mounting dents, or is the economic recession they are talking about that is going to follow this really going to be worse or equal to the Great Depression?

Coming from a life that has experience some of the best and worst this world has to offer I can say this with a certainty that only years of experience and true study can teach you.

That when the winds of uncertainty sweep the world. It will not be the ones who first look outward and towards others for answers to the problems of the world, that will be able to rise above the chaos and survive in the coming storm.

It will be and always have been those who look first inward for answers to the fundamental problems of life. That is not only able to rise above the chaos and survive but are also able to drive the chaos back and lead humanity out of the darkness of despair of today and into the light of a better tomorrow.

Those are the ones who are remembered as sages, saints, prophets, and even revolutionaries. But what does looking inward have to do with solving the problems of our world?

Inward Looking

Now when I speak of looking inward, I’m not speaking of that inward-turning that makes one num to the world around them. Where the only thought is to self-service and self-preservation. This is a negative detachment from the world which is to the detriment of one's personal intellectual and spiritual well being.

The inward-turning or inward-looking of which I’m speaking of is of true inward-looking/introspection. Where you are not looking to drown out the world around by focusing exclusively on self to the point where the affairs and happenings of the world are only meaningful when they directly affect you or your perceived comfort. But when you looking truly inward past the false reality of this world and the manufactured reality of who you are perceived as but to the core of your very being and to the discovery of your true and immortal ”Self”.

This happens when you truly reflect on and ask yourself those tough questions like; who am I? why am I here?, Who is God? and just how can my life be better?

It is when you do this, true inward-looking, that you are able to tap into your true immortal ”Self”, known as your ”Higher Self. The human race has called this Higher Self many by things dependant on the culture and environment from the soul, Kia, chi, to Ba and countless other names. Though the names may be different the fundamental understanding was still the same. Our Bodies are but a shell the true essences of who we are is our ”Higher Self”.

Those Individuals and at times the human race as a whole, that were able to survive these moments in history and guide humanity through the chaos, did so by first doing by looking inward to finding the answers to the dilemmas that are within themselves first and tapping into their ”Higher School.”

The Higher Self

Why find the answers to the dilemmas within themselves first when the world around them is in chaos? To answer that it should be understood that the human body reflects the world around it.

Look at it this way when the environment around you is full of chaos and uncertainty your body reflects it within its self, in the forms of stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental disorders as well as physical elements. And when you find yourself in an environment where it is stable and tranquil, your body then reflects this in the form of ease and relaxation.

The same also goes for when we look inward for the answers to survive the dilemmas facing the world. We must look inward first to face the dilemma within us then when we have settled those dilemmas within ourselves. Then we will be blessed with the wisdom to deal with the dilemmas of the world.

When we are truly looking inward and tapping into our Higher “Self”, we can't help but recognize that this same “Higher Self” that is when us is the same ”Higher Self” that is in the single mother who is trying to figure out how she will be able to work and watch her kids on a job that barely pays enough for her to even pay her bills, let alone feed her kids.

It is the same “Higher Self” that dwells in that old black woman at the supermarket, who when she was younger was spread by water hoses, beaten by police and attacked by dogs, for simply wanting to be treated with the same equal right and liberties as every other human being. Yet she will call the first white person she sees a cracker or a devil quicker than spit at them, without evening knowing anything about them.

And yes, it is the same also the same “Higher Self” within the rich man that knows every single tax loophole in the book and has enough generational wealth to ensure his descendants don’t ever have to struggle a day as he or his ancestors did. So he supports those who will vote on policies to protect his wealth. And feels that everyone should not let the circumstances of life hold them from achieving success, so he is against policies that make people dependent on the government instead of driven to rise above their circumstances.

The Lower Self

When you recognize this, it is then your looking inward turns not just you looking inwards to you into your personal being, the cloak if self falls away and it becomes a looking inward of all creation because you know, you are in All and All is in you.

And though one may understand the Universality of our ”Higher Self”, one must also recognize that there are a great many individuals who due to either; (a) where they are in their own spiritual journey or (b) the circumstances that have been thrust upon them by society. That the ”Higher Self” within them is engulfed and tired down by the fetters of Ego also known as the ”Lower Self” and is unable to recognize themselves as a part of the Universal All.

These are the individuals who are blown around by the chaotic winds of this world. They are dependent on those who they Lower Self tells them that have their personal best interest at heart to tell them how they should be and how they should act.

And then there are also those who intellectually know about the universality of humanity and all existence, but they have allowed their ”Lower Self” rule over their lives and turn a blind eye to the truth. This is because the ”Lower Self” refuses to acknowledge anything that will lower it's so-called sense of self-worth or make it acknowledge the self-sameness of others.

And though it is also recognized that those same individuals still are at their immortal essence the same ”Higher Self” like us and a dilemma they face is a dilemma I face, this is because we are fundamentally and spiritually the same being.

The All Is All

Everything in existence is but different aspects of one Supreme Being (God, Allah, Yahweh, Bondye, and Neberdjer, etc.) who is in all creation and in whom is all creation.

It is through this understanding we are able to come to the understanding of how by starting with a true inward-looking of themselves, that certain individuals and at times the human race were able to persevere and preserve through these pivotal moments in existence.

By first knowing, their true Divine ”Higher Self” as the ancient proverb states “Know Thyself”. Then through true self-mastery and discipline they were able to answer the dilemmas and questions within themselves. Then through actualizing and applying these newfound truths in their lives and through the guidance and teaching of others they helped them to also realize this True Divine ”Higher “Self”. This, in turn, leads to creation collectively gaining back rule from the fetters of Ego or the ”Lower Self” over the world and establishing the rule of the ”Higher Self” which through truth, balance, order, harmony, law, morality, and justice leads creation to a new age.

Conclusion

This has been the path taken by all the great Sages, prophets, and messengers since time immortal. It was also the path taken by Gandhi, taken by Martin Luther King JR and taken by Malcolm X. Those who have walked this path have influenced and changed the course of the world time and time again.

So who is it in this generation and during these times of uncertainty will take up this path and yet again and lead this world through these dark days of chaos.

These are but the musing of a spiritual wayfarer who is still but sipping at the fountains of knowledge. May The God Of Your Heart bless and guide you to further enlightenment.

I leave as I came, With Best Wishes For Peace Profound.

[mzargentum]

The Stormsender’s Daughter | Chapter XVI | Bird Watching

Chapter XV | Chapter XVI | Chapter XVII

Word Count: 1,290

Warnings: None.

A/N: Italics are previous events. 

“Uh oh…”.

Muerlin smirked lightly at her potential victim.

“What happened to your angel act?”

The girl, although understanding why the young wizard would’ve been pissed, she was fully aware this could easily be the end.

“Yeah, well, as much as I hate being in one piece”, the girl’s sarcasm very evident, “…it probably would be super detrimental to my health if I wasn’t so I figured I should probably lose it”.

“Hm”, Muerlin chuckled, “good call”.

Her hand still poised and ready to strike, patiently waiting for the girl to start.

“So, is there a particular order you want this to go?”, the girl asked. Making it excruciatingly obvious how much she wasn’t enjoying this current hostage interrogation.

“Why don’t you start with why you tried to trick me to get me captured by the Empire?”

With a light sigh, the girl finally spoke seriously.

“Look, I know how this looks, but this isn’t what you’re thinking…”, she confessed. “None of this was meant to hurt you”.

“Then what was it?”, Muerlin asked in a light tone.

This actually unnerved the girl. In usual situations like these, there was a sense of urgency, but the young wizard seemed to see this as a simple game of 20 questions…while also threatening to kill her with lightning.

For someone who was really good at pretending to be nervous…she had a hard time pretending to not be here.

“Revenge…”.

Muerlin’s raised a curious brow at the girl’s darkened tone.

“For what…?”

The girl merely sighed in slight frustration. Clearly this was a sensitive subject for her…Muerlin could see her shaking. Feel the tension in her bones.

“…why were you in that mansion…?”, Muerlin asked. Her tone demanding a full answer this time.

After a brief pause…knowing she couldn’t get away with the vague answer she gave the young wizard last time…

“…because...”, the girl nearly whispered, “I didn’t have a choice”.

“Not good enough”, Muerlin quickly retorted. 

The girl winced in irritation at Muerlin’s response.

“Look”, Muerlin took a seat on the opposite side of their fire, “I don’t necessarily want to hurt you. I’m not a killer”.

“That’s not what the Nifs are saying”, the girl smirked before being started by a sudden piercing screech past her head.

A large blast echoing through the caverns.

The girl panting heavily. Her eyes peering open to see a radiating heat coming from the wizard’s core.

Her hand slightly ajar from its original position and the heat radiating from her fingers overpowering the rest of her.

Quickly turning around, she noticed a heat signature imbedded into the cavern walls in the shape of a massive crater.

Barely out of the way of her head.

The girl gritted her teeth in light fear and agitation...lightning doesn’t miss.It was a warning shot.

“That probably cut your time in half”.

The girl jolted back to view the impatient wizard.

“So let’s try this again...”, Muerlin’s light voice making the hairs on the back of the girl’s neck stand at attention, “...why were you doing...in the mansion?

”The girl sighed softly accepting there was no way out of this. Her milky stare firmly fixated on the wizard. Arms folded in light sass.

That lighthearted smirk returned much to the wizard’s surprise.

“Bird watching”.

                                           ___________________

The smell of bleach burned inside the girl’s nostrils as she finished cleaning yet another room.

If only her impaired vision could actually make it difficult to differ blood from semen, it would probably make her job a lot easier.

This time, specifically, it was blood. Galahd didn’t know whether to be relieved or not.

Yet another dissatisfied customer...and another body for her to dispose of...

But no time for a bath, there were other matters to attend to...other floors that needed scrubbing by morning unless she wanted a nice thrashing from Birdie...

That degenerate whore...

Just thinking of her name made Galahd’s bloodstained hand curl into a fist around the scrub brush.

She’d get what she deserved.

Both her and Dion.

That bastard...

Galahd clutched the throbbing bruise left over her eye by the man’s pistol as she turned her attention to the thin glimmer of light at dead end of the hallway.

He was in there...as he was most nights.

She was never allowed in. She was much too unsightly. They preferred she roamed in the dark, but that was where she most familiar.

For they could never tell what truly lurked beyond those milky eyes.

As she silently approached the door, like a ghost floating through the abyss, she overheard a sharp cheerful voice echo through the halls.

“You and me have hit the jackpot now, Big Daddy. The Emperor will surely be pleased”.

Birdie.

“Yes...he would be...wouldn’t he?”

Galahd stopped just far enough to where her silhouette remained invisible against the light.

“The Chancellor’s prized possession walks in our humble establishment and is now counting sheep in one of our rooms”.

She had a clear view of Dion pacing back and forth about the room.

In the silence, she listened closely.

“One phone call...and we finally get the reward and position we so rightfully deserve in the emperor’s circle”.

As disgusting as the plan generally was, the girl was not surprised...Dion was a loyal dog to the Empire after all. Besides, the Pythoness would put this place on the world map.

“We’ll be the talk of Niflheim, baby”.

“Yes, yes, but...is this really the answer?”

“What’re ya talking about?”

Galahd’s eye narrowed. For once, she actually concurred with Birdie’s dimwitted confusion.

“We’ve got this in the bag. Give the Pythoness to that creep Izunia and we’ll live like royalty until death do us part”.

“Yes, but...is this all my great legacy will be? Will I only be the man that captured the Pythoness?”

“What you tryin’ to say?”

“Returning the Pythoness to the Chancellor would get us in with the gold, but...keepin’ her for myself, makin’ her one of my girls...my girl...with her at my side...why, I’d have Aldercapt at my balls”.

Galahd’s eyes sharpened. Her ears ringing. The loyal dog was considering betrayal?

“Now, hold on there, Dion”.

Galahd’s gaze darted to Birdie as she stood.

“We already got a plan. Gettin’ under Aldercapt’s skin would be nice and all, but gettin’ in his circle, we’d be swimming in dough”.

The girl’s brow raised in sudden curiosity. Why was Birdie so bothered by this idea? As deceptive and dangerous as it could be, with careful planning this could be pulled off brilliantly. What was her issue?

“True...but makin’ that ol’ shriveled motherfucker sweat, I become the circle”.

Galahd’s eyes widened suddenly. The realization setting in curved her blank expression to a light smirk.

Just as he said...HE becomes the circle.

HE takes over with the Pythoness at his side doing whatever he saw fit.

And Birdie?

Left to shrivel up and die like the semen she forces Galahd to clean.

“Now, Dion, what in heaven’s name gave you such a ridiculous idea like that?”

Yes, it was there. In her voice. That fear of her abandonment.

“Really. Makin’ that child one of your girls just to piss off the Empire. Now, what we need to be doin’ is-”.

“I’m sorry, I don’t seem to recall asking you for your input, sweetheart. Please...enlighten me if I am mistaken”.

“Not at all, baby”.

“That’s what I thought”.

A deeper smirk stretched across her face as an idea formed in her head.

Slowly backing away from the doorway, Galahd’s excitement overtook her just slightly as she whispered “gotcha” before turning her heel and hastily heading toward the kitchen.

Not noticing a confused Birdie peering into through the cracked door.

Blindly into the abyss. 

The hunter just down the hall.

                                                ________________

Tagging: @digitalkanvas​ @completelyinappropriate​ @aquathemermaidstripper​ @glacian-apocalypse​ @a-new-recipehhh​

[wittyno]

Inheriting Personality in the Hargreeves Household

From what I saw a lot of you wanted me to talk about the parts of Hargreeves personality that each of the kids inherited. Here it is: 

How we grow up stays with us till we die: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Our parents/environment shape us in both conscious and subconscious ways. Abusive upbringings impart their mark on personality just as much if not more than healthy ones. I thought we go child by child:

Five - I’ve talked about their relationship a fair bit, and there is definitely another post in here somewhere. In some ways I think Five and Hargreeves are the most similar of the group, at least by nature. Hargreeves molded Luther to be his successor, but Five seems to be more naturally like him. Five is cold and detached, ready to kill without remorse, all for a higher purpose. Five, to his detriment, shrouds his mission in secrecy. Had he just stopped and considered how his fucked-up family could be of use to him he might have been able to stop the apocalypse in time. He is willing to pay any price to stop the apocalypse. This holier-than-thou attitude blinds them. He did unspeakable things to get back to his family. Much like his father he is addicted to saving the world and is willing to pay any price. What sets the/ apart is that Five does have some humanity left in him. He still has emotions and his goal saving the world is really just a stand in for him wanting to come home. Unlike his father, Five’s mission isn’t for personal glory. He genuinely cares about his family.

Luther - he might be the most obvious example. Luther has a need for control, which doesn’t have to be a bad thing. We all want control of our lives and our destiny. The problem arises in the extreme, which is the part that Hargreeves imparted on Luther. Abusers (Hargreeves) need control to control their situations and their victims. Luther learned from Hargreeves that if he (Luther) has everything under control everything will be fine. That Luther making all the decisions is the right way to go and at the end of the day the fate of the world is on his shoulders. Luther’s life has just been shattered and he turns to what he has been taught all his life: control. Control your circumstances and life will be ok. Obviously, that’s not how life works. If you hold anyone too tightly they’ll die/pass out (sound familiar?). You can’t/shouldn’t control people, but that’s what Luther learned at the hands of his father. If he can just keep order than everything will be ok. That’s what he does, right till the end. It breaks my heart about the end of episode 10; Luther’s says “should we be taking her (Vanya)?", about his own sister. He hasn’t learned that he can not just throw aside his sister. He still thinks of her as something he can control, even though she has clearly shown that that’s not possible. It is heartless, but it’s a heartlessness he has been taught. 

Allison - it’s in her power. Hargreeves constantly manipulated all seven of them, whether against each other or against themselves. The biggest example being Vanya and manipulating her into think that she was “ordinary”. Allison’s power is simply a manifestation of that concept. She can make anyone do anything. She has manipulated her entire life and built her life around said manipulation. Her career, her family... Her gift can and has caused a lot of damage. Vanya attacking her is in partially her fault. She tries to rumor Vanya to come with her and Vanya defends herself. Allison admits that. She knows she screwed up. She knows that her life is based on lies. I agree with the court’s decision to give Patrick sole-custody. Allison forced her daughter to do “the right” things. It doesn’t matter that it was for her own good. Allison doesn’t have bad intentions, but she has never learned how to use her power responsibly. 

Klaus - and hiding from responsibilities/guilt. One reason people use drugs is to escape from their reality. To not have to face the guilt or the responsibilities that they have in “the real world”. Klaus uses drugs as an escape mechanism. Not only from the ghosts and his trauma, but from his guilt and responsibilities. Hargreeves does the same thing but committing suicide. He could have done a million things to get his children back together. Him, killing himself, is his way of escaping his children’s rightful judgement. He is escaping the pain he has caused his “family”. Obviously Klaus isn’t doing it on the same scale, but he is running from his reality. A reality in which he seems to be basically homeless, destitute, with no prospects, and a lot of guilt over his brother’s death. Him getting sober, is his way of doing what Hargreeves couldn’t. Klaus chooses to live and face up to his reality to see Dave again and later to save Vanya/world.

Diego - need to save the world. We forget that Hargreeves “justification” for his abuse is that heistrying to save the world. He is training superheroes afterall. Diego takes that superhero concept and runs with it. He takes this dream that his father had and starts to implement it on a smaller scale. While you can debate the merits vigilantism, it is what both Hargreeves and Diego are trying to do. In a way he is the person that takes his father’s legacy and puts it to some use. He does what Luther thinks he is doing. He is actually “saving lives baby”.

Vanya - She is the least like him, because he cast her away at a young age. She has a well of empathy that none of the others can match. I think she tried for a time to be like him. In order for him to love her, but when she realized that that was never going to happen she gave up. In most of the important ways she is direct opposite of her father. She is caring and kind. She’ll listen and not judge. All her pain and it just made her kinder. 

Main Point: I recommended Umbrella academy to my mother and she binge-watched it in one weekend. 

[goldstarnation]

SEPTEMBER 2019 GOLD STAR MEDIA SCHEDULES & REVIEW

Members may earn 3 points each (up to 6 points) for writing, by the end of October 7 KST:

A solo para of 400+ words based on their monthly schedule (does not count toward your monthly total).

A thread of six posts (three per participant, including the starter) based on their monthly schedule.

Threads do not have to take place directly during an important date listed on the schedule, but must be related to what the muse is mentioned to be doing in the paragraph explaining their schedule/the company’s schedule for the month and/or their thoughts on the mentioned activities or lack thereof.

These schedules may be updated throughout the month if new information needs to be added.

Reminder: August schedule posts are due by the end of September 7 KST.

Overall Company

In the aftermath of their company concert, Gold Star executives are pleased with the turn out and there’s talk they’re considering taking the family concert overseas in the future to take full advantage of the pull their company name has in places like Southeast Asia and the US. In the meantime, everything is back to normal around the main building, and all Gold Star idols get a three day break for Chuseok unless they’re beholden to other voluntary individual schedules.

Important dates:

September 12-14: Chuseok break (no activities save for specific voluntary individual schedules).

Gold Star Soloist 1

This month marks her eleventh anniversary since her debut, an achievement few in the industry can rival, especially with her kind of success. To celebrate, Gold Star has arranged a schedule VLive on her anniversary which will be advertised as an online fan meeting of sorts. She’ll have mostly free rein over what she does during the live stream as long as management is informed in advance. The following week, she’ll be doing a free public “busking” event performing some of her songs and select covers. It won’t be completely authentic busking, as the time and location will be announced following her anniversary VLive and she’ll be performing on a small raised stage with adequate security.

Important dates:

September 18: Scheduled 11th anniversary VLive.

September 25: 11th anniversary public busking event.

Gold Star Soloist 2

On top of recording for her upcoming album the whole month, her Seoul concerts have finally arrived for the weekend right after Chuseok. Gold Star anticipates a more general public audience than a fandom one, so most of the promotion for it is out of her hands and she’s encouraged to focus on being in her best vocal condition for the concert instead.

Important dates:

September 15: I AM concert at Olympic Hall in Seoul, South Korea.

September 16: I AM concert at Olympic Hall in Seoul, South Korea.

September 21: Performance at K-Crush 2019 Concert at Impact Challenger Hall 1 in Bangkok, Thailand (also performing: 7ROPHY)

Gold Star Soloist 3

The first three weeks of the month are spent finishing off his promotions for “Runaway”, so the short Chuseok break is only a brief reprieve from music shows and the expectation is for him to keep himself in top shape for his tour to continue once promotions wrap. He’ll get only a one day break on the 22nd before he flies out to the first stops of his Europe tour.

Important dates:

September 21: End of music show promotions.

September 24: Self-titled tour concert at Time Out Studio in Lisbon, Portugal.

September 25: Self-titled tour concert at Cool Stage in Madrid, Spain.

September 28: Self-titled tour concert at Santeria Social Club in Milan, Italy.

September 30: Self-titled tour concert at Lucerna Music Bar in Prague, Czech Republic.

Silhouette

The members finish recording their upcoming mini-album this month and begin learning the choreography after they return from their three-day Chuseok break. They’ve also been chosen as the new faces of sportswear brand Mizuno, so they’re scheduled to film their first CF for the brand and will be hosting a fan sign at the end of the month after the CF begins airing nationwide. With Origin’s comeback mysteriously delayed, what had previously been a low-pressure comeback ups the ante and expectations from management to perform well have increased in a way that is unlikely to go unnoticed by the members.

Important dates:

September 8: Mizuno Sports CF filming.

September 29: Mizuno fan sign in Seoul.

Aria

As rehearsals continue for their concerts next month, the members are given the opportunity for solo (or duo) stages as listed below. Members will be given the chance to suggest what stages they would like to do, but the final decisions are made by management, whether that aligns with the member’s choice or not. They’ll be rehearsing those all month on top of several of their latest title tracks and b-sides, and have also booked another mobile game CF to film after their return from their short Chuseok break.

Leader/vocal/rapper & main dancer/lead vocal - I Didn’t Go To School

Main vocal - Domino

Maknae/vocal/rapper - Gashina

Main rapper and lead vocal - All Hands On Deck

Lead dancer and vocal - New Face

Important dates:

September 16: The Rulers mobile game CF filming.

September 28-29: Performance at Super K-Pop Festival Indonesia 2019 at the Indonesia Convention Exhibition BSD in Tangerang, Indonesia (also performing: Aria and Decipher).

Origin

A meeting is called on September 9 when the members come in to record in the studio and they’re told that a decision has been made to go back to the drawing board with parts of their album. This means scrapping songs, including ones members may have had a hand in and had been told were confirmed for release, and working on “a better quality album”. It’s a shock considering they’d begun comeback preparation with everything in place at the end of last month and this has never happened before, but management doesn’t take time for questions. There’s bound to be rumors about all of the reasons behind why, but it does in part mean a slightly less heavy workload this month, though they’re still as packed as always. They’re sent right back to the studio to record something that was already planned and has now been moved up, which is a series of unit track collaborations with Western artists for the soundtrack of Origin World. They won’t meet or directly record with any of their collaboration partners.

Vocal 1, lead vocal/lead dancer, maknae/main vocal/lead dancer - Dream Glow ft. Charli XCX

Main dancer/lead rapper, vocal 2 - A Brand New Day ft. Zara Larsson

Main rapper, lead rapper - All Night ft. Juice WRLD

Important dates:

September 11: Photo shoot for Anan Magazine October issue.

September 15: Origin 2020 Season’s Greetings photo shoot.

September 17: Lights/Boy With Luv (Japanese Ver) hand shake event in Tokyo, Japan.

September 18: Lights/Boy With Luv (Japanese Ver.) hand shake event in Osaka, Japan.

September 24: Lotte Duty Free CF filming.

September 26: UNICEF Love Myself Global Campaign video filming.

Impulse

They kick off their world tour at the beginning of the month with their Seoul concerts and follow up with a KCon Thailand performance as headliners later in the month. That all means a lot of rehearsals and long night practices together as group save for the brief three-day Chuseok break. From he beginning of the month, members are also in the studio recording for another new Japanese album release before the end of the year, which means members are expected to be brushing up on their Japanese too.

Important dates:

September 5: End of music show promotions.

September 7: Keep Spinning 2019 World Tour concert at KSPO Dome in Seoul, South Korea.

September 8: Keep Spinnign 2019 World Tour concert at KSPO Dome in Seoul, South Korea.

September 28: Performance at KCon Thailand at Impact Arena in Bangkok, Thailand.

Fuse

The end of one comeback promotion period doesn’t mean a break for Fuse. As soon as the month starts, they hit the ground running on concept meetings and recording for songs off of their next mini-album, which will drop before the end of the year. The concept seems to be much more summery than Zimzalabim despite its slated late fall release date, which is sure to raise questions as to what Gold Star is thinking and whether they may have prioritized Femme Fatale having a successful comeback at the detriment of Fuse, but management claims it’d all part of Fuse’s “experimental” concept design.

Important dates:

September 11: Release of Sappy Japanese album.

September 28-29: Performance at Super K-Pop Festival Indonesia 2019 at the Indonesia Convention Exhibition BSD in Tangerang, Indonesia (also performing: Aria and Decipher).

Element

Element are saved another month from Gold Star’s love of VLives to connect with fans, although this is a double-edged sword as won’t go unnoticed by the fan base, who wanted more activities for the group in addition to the fan outreach versus instead of. In addition to concerts in India, making them the first group from Gold Star to perform in the country, and a festival in Germany, Element have been picked for their first group brand ambassador deal since they came onto the scene. It’s a deal with a Japanese footwear brand, but they’ve been chosen as Southeast Asia regional ambassadors instead of serving as ambassadors within their own country, a reminder of their struggle for popularity domestically.

Important dates:

September 15: ASICS CF filming.

September 20: 4lement tour concert at Talkatora Indoor Stadium in New Delhi, India.

September 22: 4lement tour concert at Shilpgram North East Zone Cultural Centre in Guwahati, India.

September 28: Performance at Finger Heart Festival in Mannheim, Germany (also performing: Alien).

Femme Fatale

The members are performing in their first major concerts since their debut this month as their Japan arena tour kicks off in Osaka (please see August’s schedule for their assigned solo stages). The attention their latest comeback has gotten internationally is particularly noticeable for them this month, as they’ve been booked for photo shoots in both a Chinese and Japanese magazine and have signed a deal as the new (and first)  regional brand ambassadors for Shopee in Southeast Asia and Taiwan.

Important dates:

September 8: Photo shoot for Grazia China October issue.

September 16: Photo shoot for Glitter Magazine Japan October issue + individual interviews.

September 17: Femme Fatale Arena Tour at Osaka-Jo Hall in Osaka, Japan.

September 18: Femme Fatale Arena Tour at Osaka-Jo Hall in Osaka, Japan.

September 22: Shopee CF filming.

[run2yamama]

Chapter 24 - R2YM (Insight into having an absent-mum due to death)

It wasn’t until I was in my twenties that I realised how affected I was by my absent-mother. I had no idea that the way I navigated my life had been shaped around this .

I’ve been speaking to two other women about their experiences and you know what’s sad yet comforting? Our experiences of growing up without our mum’s were so similar. We struggled with relationships, abandonment issues and ultimately lots of unanswered questions. The first one being, who was this woman who gave birth to me; who was she when she wasn’t my mother? This question alone has changed my stance on mothers in general; we need to humanise them.

Though we were all children when we lost our mothers, it’s very insightful to see all the similarities between us. It’s become very clear to me that it doesn’t matter whether you lost your mum to death or because she walked away, it shapes your journey of womanhood entirely. It feels as though you have survived the heartbreaking bit and now you have to spend your adulthood unlearning old patterns of thought.

Between myself and the two wonderful women who spoke to me in depth about their journey with an absent-mum, we decided it’s time to discuss this openly.

I have decided to split this up into three separate chapters as they are quite intense reads, this chapter features a White woman, the second one will feature a Black Woman and my point of view is sprinkled between both so you will have the perspective of a WOC too. I do understand how important representation is and how this may cause differences in our experiences with having an absent-mum however quite honestly, there just aren’t that many.

A WOMAN WHOSE MOTHER ISN’T IN HER MEMORY – Claira Hermet (35 years old, London & a presenter @bbcradiolondon)

Claira’s mum died of breast cancer when she was 9 years old, the memories that she has are vague and of course painful to recall, what she does remember is that before she lost her mum she felt safe and secure.

“I was devastated. It was like my world had ended. Nothing made any sense. I didn’t know who or what I was without my mum. I didn’t know she could die.”

Claira knew her mum was ill, but what does that really mean to a child if they don’t understand the risks and implications of it? For her there was no safety net between the transition of having a mum and suddenly not having one.

As I mentioned above, I struggle to recall pleasant memories with my mum and my strongest memories are traumatic; but thought this was a given as my mum was abusive. Claira’s strongest memory of her mother is unfortunately quite traumatic also and I think that’s very insightful, it says a lot about how children compartmentalise memories.

“Honestly my strongest memory of my mum is her sitting in the bath. She had had a single mastectomy and her chest on that side was an open wound caused by the cancer. She was losing her hair and asked me to cut it off.”

To this day she still feels the pain of unanswered questions she has due to the lack of memories and not being able to know who her mother was as a woman. What do you do when there is nobody left to tell you about her? Claira’s mum has little to no family left, she doesn’t know who her mum’s friends were.

“Was she funny? Who was her first boyfriend? What’s the craziest thing she’s ever done? What was her childhood like? What were her hopes for me? Would she be proud of me?  It’s like I don’t know the person who brought me into this world, who is essentially half of me. I feel really disconnected from her. This hurts and even as I’m writing this it makes me cry.”

What I get from Claira is this very strong sense of empathy towards others, it’s almost as if she will go above and beyond for others due to the pain she has experienced. This is something that is also very true of me, it’s the tendency to want to help others even if it’s at my own detriment sometimes. However this empathy and need to help others is not something that Claira would ever want to change.

“I feel a deep need to help others. To ensure that they never have to feel the way that I have done. I see people’s pain and it really hurts. However this journey has taught me what is possible, how much we have the power to shape, grow and make incredible lives for ourselves regardless of circumstance.”

RELATIONSHIPS & WOMANHOOD

The desperation to be loved is something we all have in common. It’s been a constant battle of not trusting anyone but dying to feel wanted, needed and safe. I think this can be dangerous because there isn’t much regard for our safety/emotional boundaries – or at least this used to be the case before we recognised it.

I personally feel as though I missed out on all the love/hugs/affection and so this has definitely played a role in the choices I have made growing up. It’s as if you disregard your instincts because the need to feel loved overrides it completely. I mean, I feel as though I have faced the ultimate rejection; at a very early stage in life and so it only makes sense that I have had unlearning to do.

I’ve always felt different to other women, almost like I know something that they don’t; as though I’ve experienced this secret world that they haven’t. It’s only now that I’ve started to talk about it and actively seek out other women who have been through what I have, that I feel like I’m not alone anymore. I still find it hard to relate to other women, it’s almost as though the stereotypical ‘gentle’ nature of women makes me uncomfortable and awkward.

Giving myself time to grieve (my mum didn’t die but something in me definitely did) and face the uncomfortable truths has been life-changing. I’m finally in a healthy relationship, with boundaries on both ends that we respect and adhere to. I have never felt more secure and for the first time in my life I am not constantly waiting for someone to get up and abandon me.

CLAIRA’S EXPERIENCE

“I desperately wanted to be loved. I felt confused, like someone had hit be round the head and I had just never been able to make sense of thing ever again. I want to see a clear path or know what I should do but I just had no sense of direction or clue of what was possible. I felt broken, incomplete and insufficient.

My self hatred and confusion about my experience ended up with me seeking attention and affection from men. Sadly though I couldn’t communicate with them as I really struggled to talk. I was having sex with men but unable to express my needs, perhaps because I didn’t know what they were but also because my communication skills were massively under developed. I so badly wanted to no longer feel alone.

What is womanhood? I don’t know if I really know now. I always felt disconnected from women. I didn’t really know how to relate to adult women. I had to learn that. I always just felt less than, incomplete. These words and themes come up a lot for me when talking about the absence of my mother. I learnt only because my friends and I became adult women. Prior to that I really just thought I needed to be attractive to find love to feel ok. Which is really sad but that’s what I thought it was to be a woman.  I always feel like an outsider. Even now. I feel like I’m not a real women or a real grown up. It’s something I have to continually work on. Comparing myself to people I know who grow up with a mum I would say I am less balanced.

I would not be this version of me if it was not for my experiences. I also lost my sister to breast cancer. After this it was discovered I have the BRCA1 gene mutation so I had a preventive double mastectomy. After everything I am now in a space where I have a very strong sense of self. This was discovered out of necessity. My life was such a mess mentally and emotionally for such a long time and because my experiences where extreme I knew I had to make changes. After my sisters death finding a sense of peace and love for myself became imperative. I knew that no matter how long it was going to take I had to find a way to be ok.

I have a strong understanding of the powers of self love, self belief and self confidence which I feel we all have a birth right to. My mum’s death and her absence have shaped me and my life. Accepting that this is my life, there is no if’s or but’s has allowed me to take responsibility for myself and my life and really start living it. “

ROLE MODELS AND SOCIETY

My dad was my main caregiver and he did his absolute best but let’s face it, the dads who stay behind and take care of their children aren’t discussed often either. What he did know how to do was cover my practical needs, for this I will forever be grateful but this meant that sometimes he was emotionally unavailable.

These discussions were not being had period. Not with us, not around us and definitely not in society as a whole; not in the same way absent-fathers were discussed. I’ve had conversations with my own dad about this recently and he expressed that he struggled in the same way because of the lack of discussion around this. He didn’t know where to turn to for advice, he didn’t know any other men immediately around him that could relate to this. This resulted in him not even recognising that he needed advice on this on the first place – in his eyes he was doing every he should and would be doing had my mum never treated me in this way/left me.

I was fortunate that my grandma was there during this transition; she was my source of love and support and this cushioned me as the rest of my world was crumbling. Although she died only a couple of years later, having her was vital to me as I was able to experience that maternal guidance first-hand.

Growing up I had a couple of close friends whose mothers did embrace me into their lives and I always felt welcome. I had one close friend growing up whose house I had dinner at every night for at least 3 years, I was never made to feel like a burden. It provided me with routine and again, without this I might have felt the loss of my mum even more deeply.

Being able to witness these healthy mother-daughter relationships pushed me into me realising just how much my own mum had wronged me and that was painful; to the point where I sometimes stayed away.

CLAIRA’S EXPERIENCE

“The day my mum died I think my whole family kind of died and was reborn because nothing was ever the same. Everything changed and everyone changed.

For my teenage and early 20’s I tried to cope alone because I truly felt I was alone. I missed out on the attention and affection my mum had once given me. I really didn’t know where I fitted it. I felt uncomfortable in myself, in my life and in the world. My ‘future’ or ‘what I could be’ was never even discussed or considered. I had very little guidance and so most stuff I had to workout for myself.

My Dad is a lovely man. I love him very much. He dealt with things in his own way which I know at the time he thought was best for us and him. It wasn’t. I didn’t have a role model. He did the best with what he knew at the time, as this wasn’t being spoken about; the consequence was that I didn’t get the support I actually needed but instead got the support he thought I needed.

I started my period on Christmas eve. I knew a little bit about them. I didn’t want to tell anyone so I used my pocket money to buy sanitary towels for a year or so before anyone notice. It was scary and every time something like that happened I was reminded of how much I wanted my mum back. It was always very emotional.

As far as role-models go, I just don’t think I’ve ever had that. I started reading books, trying therapy and doing all I could from the space I was in to achieve some kind of equilibrium. Everything else took a back bench because I started to realise that until I raised myself to a level playing field internally nothing else would have balance, nothing else would make me feel whole and nothing else would allow me to finally feel happiness. “

LET’S TALK ABOUT IT

It’s like we all power through life, not just because we have to but because we know we deserve to thrive; then Mothers Day comes around and we breakdown.

There are some fundamental and obvious problems that need addressing; it all starts with having open and honest conversations. We can be the women to each other that we have so been in need of. What’s clear is, the loss of our mums has shaped our lives and we owe it to ourselves to continue unlearning behaviour that only hurts us further.

I think after all 3 posts, I will do a final one to fully analyse what we have all had in common. I do think it’s important to remember that when we are talking about absent-mums, there are also young girls/women out there whose mothers left them without a say or choice in the matter due to death. Whether our mothers chose to leave or have died – we still had to navigate life without them and we have all been shaped by this.