#he uses mannerisms a lot especially when explaining or upset

[vaedar]

Gif edits of Vaedar continue with more convo gestures. DO NOT REBLOG.

[lilacxquartz]

Those Late Summer Nights | Chapter 13

Satoru Gojo × Fem!Reader × Suguru Geto

ABOUT: You moved to Tokyo over the summer to take a teaching job. As you get settled in, you find yourself entangled in a toxic dynamic.

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Following a certain suspicion confirming Suguru’s hunches, he finally learned the full truth of what happened to you back in your hometown.

TRIGGER WARNING: Upsetting scenes as bullying is referenced as a memory

< Previous Chapter • Next Chapter >

13. Locker Rooms

The next couple of days felt equally numb and confusing as you processed exactly what was going on between you and Suguru, especially as he didn’t really let you leave to go back home just yet.

The truth was that he was waiting for the perfect moment to confirm something. He also wanted to train you a little before letting you go back as he wanted you to be stronger sooner than later.

“Feel free to update people that you’re okay now,” he said, giving you back your phone that he took from you earlier.

You did so almost immediately, finding that your phone was actually blown up for once. You were used to disappearing for days at a time back when you lived in the town, but this didn’t carry on so well with the people you were so quickly intertwined with.

And it has only been a couple of months as well.

The fact that this happened so quickly was messing up your entire mind.

Shoko initially kept things brief, telling you not to do anything stupid because she didn’t want to put you back together if she could help it. Her next couple of messages however were asking you if you’re alive even, if you’re doing okay.

You texted her back first, saying that you just needed some time to be alone and that you were fine.

She was smart though, you knew she wouldn’t buy it.

Satoru, otherwise, was the one who spammed the most. There were some missed calls, a lot of messages too. Some of what he sent didn’t make a whole of sense as you couldn’t quite figure out the context.

You responded to him using the same exact response that you sent out to Shoko as it seemed like a safer option.

You were technically thinking for the last couple of days. On and off about everything that was going on. It’s just you were also going through a little bit more beyond that point as well.

It’s not like you could disclose what had happened either, not wanting to bring any more attention to yourself.

Suguru saw whatever was happening to you as a step in the right direction as you weren’t actually trying to leave. The fact that you listened to him and went along with his ideas was all that he wanted.

(Despite this whole thing actually being bad for you.)

Satoru swung by his place some time later on, something that Suguru had in fact anticipated. He gave you your phone back for a reason after withholding it because he wanted to test something out, not because he was needlessly controlling.

He did let you accuse him of that though, thinking it’d be easier to explain than what he was actually doing.

Besides, you were well within your rights to hate him currently, so he also didn’t really fight it.

You stayed in his bed as you messed around on your phone; the door partially concealing you just enough for Satoru to see a familiar person beyond the door.

Satoru was admittedly surprised to find you there, but he didn’t allow himself to show it. He wanted to ask why you were there, because Suguru never had anyone over. He’d always been the type to either go to someone else’s place while not allowing anyone inside.

So why were you there…?

Suguru studied Satoru’s mannerisms and reactions as he pieced everything together. He shouldn’t have doubted his hunch from the start because certain suspicions were already clear, evident to even how his friend’s knuckles were bandaged and how he was acting slightly erratic.

However, Suguru wasn’t going to do anything or say anything just yet. He was going to act like he doesn’t know a single thing unless Satoru would start crumbling by himself otherwise.

As for you; he knew that you wouldn’t say anything to anyone because as it stands, he managed to break you just a little. Or a lot. He still felt huge amounts of guilt for what he did, but the jealousy was finally beginning to subside now that he had you right where he wanted you to be and he wasn’t planning ever let you go.

“Is that [name]?” Satoru asked. You could hear them both talk through the door.

“Yeah,” Suguru replied in a casual manner as he acknowledged his friend, “guess she wanted to be a bit further away than where it happened.”

“Thought she’d be at the campus,” Satoru speculated.

“Yeah, but that’s away from everyone else,” Suguru pointed out, “still wanted some familiarity, you know?”

Satoru didn’t like that implication. It still didn’t make a whole lot of sense to him and despite knowing that he shouldn’t have acted out that way back in the alley, he now felt something strange brewing away. Initially he was going to make it up to you but now he felt entitled to something he couldn’t have.

Something that Suguru now had instead.

Or at least it seemed that way to him.

So maybe he would give into a thought he’d been tempting this whole summer and do something he shouldn’t, just so he could get a taste too. He didn’t understand why for once, Suguru wasn’t willing to share someone with him.

(Unless Suguru was actually taking things seriously with you?)

You could feel a strained silence brew between the two of them as neither replied for a good amount of time. Not having a faint clue of what was going on in either of their heads. It was too confusing of a time to think properly, after all.

“Right,” Satoru concluded, his tone not quite convinced but he quickly changed it up to something happier once again, as if to cast the illusion that he didn’t care a single bit. “Wanna hang out tonight though?”

“Could,” Suguru said in response to maintain the delusion; you could hear some quieter conversation happen between the two of them before something was decided, “one sec, though.”

Suguru broke away from Satoru, closing the door momentarily. He then slipped back into the bedroom for a second to grab his wallet off of the nightstand and as he did so, he stared at you for a moment.

“You can use the rest of the apartment,” he told you as if setting up some ground rules, “just avoid the door opposite the bathroom, that room belongs to the girls but they’re away for the summer.”

The girls? Oh, that’s right. Shoko did mention that he was responsible for a pair of younger girls that he took from a bad situation. She never really elaborated, but it was clear that he was a guardian or maybe even dad to them.

You nodded as you had no interest in invading their privacy anyway.

“I won’t,” you replied in a soft voice.

“Good,” he replied, seeming much more at ease knowing that you would be in his home as opposed to anywhere else. You’d be safe here. “I’ll be back later tonight and we can begin the training tomorrow.”

You nodded along again, feeling somewhat nervous about the prospect. You didn’t say goodbye to him as he left, but he did so.

As far as you understood from everyone else, including him, Suguru was a good fighter and that he was strong when it came to things like hand to hand combat and the like.

Still, there was just something about the way he worded it.

It didn’t seem as though you were going to learn how to just defend yourself, but how to hurt people on purpose.

And that simply didn’t sit quite right with you.

***

When Suguru came back, he seemed to be in a slightly different way than before, as if almost agitated. Such an abrupt change in his personality left you wondering what exactly happened, but you also didn’t want to push his buttons knowing exactly what he does when aggravated.

It was quite late when he came back as well, so he returned to the sight of you laying on his sofa, watching some reruns of some old show.

He sat down beside you, lifting your head over his thighs so that you could instead rest on top of his lap. He smelled how he usually did; stale cigarettes and sweat clinging to skin, the consequence of a humid summer.

You never said anything to greet him even though you were wide awake but then again, he never said anything back either.

In utter silence, his hand crept to your hair and he passively played with it. The lack of words exchanged casted an eerie atmosphere as you could hear the wet smack of his lips parting on and off as if he wanted to say something, but kept holding himself back.

After a while though, he finally managed to speak again. His throat clearing as a deep exhale left him at last.

“[name]?” he asked, trying to be kind with you in the way that he addressed you.

You hummed in a questioning tone, feeling a little sleepy as you laid there.

“I know you probably don’t want to,” he started off, his fingers tightening around your scalp just a little tighter as he paused, “but can you tell me exactly what that other thing your bully did? You never finished explaining because you were too drunk.”

You paused as you suddenly felt unwell again and as a result felt unsure as to how exactly to go about this.

You remembered that one defining night at the bar quite well and it was very likely that you got as quickly close to that particular group of people because all four of you were damaged to an extent.

It was quick, it was toxic, it was exhausting.

It got you into a situation you didn’t like as a result.

You really didn’t want to share, but there was something about the way he asked it and how he held onto you, that it felt as though it was a personal matter for him too.

“Why?” you asked.

“There’s just something I want to understand,” he replied, “but if you don’t want to say, then I won’t force you.”

He didn’t rush you to reply, trying to figure out if you would do it by yourself. He wasn’t going to force you just as he promised, even though he was so damn curious.

In his mind, he didn’t really get why you were being so passive. He almost wanted for you to scream at him, to call him out for the way he was acting. Not that he could blame you for it, but he wanted to understand if something in particular might have happened in the past that made you a certain way.

“Um,” your voice croaked after a while, a lot of your words were stuck in your throat and you couldn’t figure out how to start but you entertained the whole request anyway, “it had been the final week at school and she, Yui, figured out I was in the process of transferring because it was a small town and a small school.”

“I’m listening,” he said, resuming a gentler motion on your head, he didn’t want to pressure you—not like this anyway, “you can take your time if it’s difficult.”

You did just that. It was easier to say everything back when you had a drink in your hand but you were starkly sober now in a situation you didn’t anticipate being in.

“I guess she took it personally, maybe thinking I was transferring because of her at the time,” you continued, “I was simply going to go to another type of school, the uh, jujutsu school, but it wasn’t something that I could exactly explain to others, so I just called it an alternative school or something like that.”

He nodded along, trying to sink further back into the sofa as he pulled you a little closer up to him.

“It was a Friday from what I remember, because there was no school the next day and I stayed behind a little longer as I slowly gathered things like my old workbooks and things from the home room.”

It was funny in a way with just how much you could remember, it was so strikingly clear and you were reciting it as though it had happened just yesterday ago.

You wondered if Yui could remember it just as clearly too. If she even felt guilty at all.

Was that a silly thought to have?

Of course she probably didn’t feel a single thing at all.

“She stopped me just as I was leaving the school grounds, her other friends held the other exits for her so that I had nowhere to go… so her boyfriend at the time walked me over to the locker rooms where she was waiting.”

This next part was going to be awkward to explain, so maybe it was for the best that you never explained it to the group. It did leave you wondering if even Satoru would have acted differently to you had he known, if he would have been less pushy, if he would have treated Yui so lightly when he was in town with you.

“The locker rooms to the gym wing all had adjacent showers and we often used them after using the pool,” you explained, you weren’t quite so sure why you were being so calm to someone who equally hurt you back, but you continued anyway, “they turned on all of the showers to the hottest setting, letting the steam fill the room as it quickly became uncomfortably warm, almost like a sauna.”

Suguru in the meantime was wondering where exactly this was going. He felt more guilt rise within him as he tried to figure out if something was done to you or not.

“Her boyfriend’s dad was a police officer, so I guess she convinced him to steal a pair of handcuffs. He held me down as she cuffed me to the pipes near the shower,” you continued, remembering just how scalding hot those things were when you accidentally touched them. “T-the pipes were hot, but thankfully they didn’t leave a permanent mark. It just felt… raw for a while.”

That got an involuntary reaction from Suguru as he tensed up, the tugging on your hair hurting a little causing him to mutter a curt apology as he realised what he did.

Continuing after a brief moment of silence, you shared the next part a lot more reluctantly, “Her boyfriend also kind of um, touched me… felt me up… while she was out of the room briefly, so when she uh, came back and saw him doing that, I got the blame and…”

He pulled back, having a question in mind but he waited for you to finish.

“She attacked me as a result… like, she punched me and my head hit the tiles—I wasn’t sure if that part was intentional though, because she pulled back after,” you continued, “she specifically said the words, ‘I’ll mess up your face so nobody can ever look at you like that again,’ but luckily I guess it didn’t scar physically in the end, just mentally…”

“Sorry, but how old were you?” he finally asked the question that he had in mind.

“We were both 14, or maybe she was 15. Her boyfriend was about 16.”

“The fuck,” he replied, his eyebrows furrowing while his face adopted a conflicted expression.

Another silence brewed as he processed this.

“Sorry, you can continue,” he said after about a minute.

“She never gave me a reason at the time, so I had no idea why this whole thing was happening,” you continued to explain, still being unsure why she went so far, “she took my shirt off and put it over my head so that it quickly became unbearably hot as the time went on, I was pretty much left in there for the remainder of the night.”

“…As the showers were running?”

“Those turned off after a while, actually. I’m not sure why,” you replied.

“But you were still left there overnight…?”

“Y-Yeah,” you hesitated as you continued to explain, “I mean they all left after and I was left alone in the room overnight. Even if the hot water cooled down over time, that wasn’t the problem.”

“It was the fact that you were soaked and unable to do anything about it, right? While having a head injury?” Suguru quickly caught on. You might have genuinely gotten hypothermia from that whole thing in addition to being beaten up which meant that it wasn’t even bullying at that point, but rather an attempt on your life.

“Y-yeah…” you replied. “The school still had maintenance staff oversee the grounds even when the days were off for the teachers and the students, so I was still found reasonably quickly.”

He stayed quiet as he settled on a decision in his mind. He felt it for a while… even before you, but he was slowly starting to hate humanity. He didn’t want to protect people anymore.

As a result, his grip on your head tightened. Not out of possession, but out of anger. He didn’t mean to hurt you though, so he kept himself restrained. Just barely.

“The rest of that day was a blur for me; they called in firefighters to help get me out of the cuffs and an ambulance to come treat me, the police were involved at some point too.”

You stopped explaining things for a moment, needing to take a break before continuing.

“I was in a really bad shape after,” you added, sounding a little defeated.

“Did anything happen to her for doing this to you?” his voice cracked a little. He didn’t care how he sounded.

“Not at all,” you scoffed a little, feeling some tears form. You couldn’t help it, it was a tough memory to recite, “her family used their influence and connections to sweep this whole thing to the side so it never blew up more than it should have.”

“So, let me get this straight,” Suguru spoke up again, pausing as he processed every single detail, “they got off free for inflicting actual torture?”

“Her boyfriend took the hit, her two other friends did too. Yui however walked away without consequence, but to my knowledge, she never did anything like that to anyone ever again.”

“Huh,” he replied, unsure how to actually proceed. He expected something bad, but this was beyond anything he could have imagined.

There was a long and uncomfortable silence after that and the entire time, Suguru was planning something else now. His hold finally relaxed on you as he came to a decisive conclusion, something clicking internally as he understood exactly what he wanted to do.

“You probably won’t like this either,” he spoke up after what felt like minutes, “but I’d like to go to your hometown before the summer break ends.”

“W-why?” you asked. You just spent so long talking about your unfortunate time there and he wanted to go there? Why…? Besides, if Satoru hated it for being boring, then Suguru especially would go insane.

“There’s something I’d like to do,” he simply said, remembering something important.

“Do what…?” you asked.

“Don’t worry about it for now,” he assured you, switching the television off as he fumbled with the remote.

He laid back on the sofa with you on his lap, staring straight ahead into the dark. He wasn’t going to sleep, even if he did feel your body twitch after some time and your breathing turn much more laboured.

He was going to keep up his promise, he decided.

He was going to keep you safe from everything else, no matter what it took.

Somebody at some point hurt you and to his understanding, they never got a punishment.

That much was going to change.

(Even if it meant killing for you.)

[arcadianmoonshadowjedi]

Rayllum Month July 13: Promise

This fic was heavily inspired by this post by @potatounicoorn 😁

Knock Knock!

The door to the high mage’s office opened as Ezran walked in holding Bait on his shoulder. He approached Callum at his desk and sat at the edge of it, putting Bait down.

“Hey Callum, we need to talk,” Ezran started, shifting Callum’s attention from his books. Ezran took a deep breath before he continued.

“Zym told me about something serious, about…” He paused dreadfully, not sure if he should continue or not. “About how you escaped Finnegran’s chains,”

Callum’s heart fell to his stomach. He looked down in guilt and shame, not wanting to meet his little brother’s eyes. He completely forgot about how Zym and their other animal companions aside from Bait were locked in the same room as him when it happened. When they witnessed him turn his chains into slithering snakes.

“I’m worried about you Callum,” Ezran resumed. “The last time you used dark magic, you went into this complete state of delirium, you were hurting and talking weird in your sleep. And none of us knew how to help you. And then when Aaravos took over you, he said something about you being tainted by darkness and playing into his hands,”

Callum buried his face deep into his hands, unable to say anything and still refusing to look into Ezran’s concerned eyes.

“Callum, I really just want you to be careful,”

“I didn’t want to do it,” Callum finally spoke. “But he, but he threatened to kill Rayla and I had no other way,”

Suddenly the door flew open and Rayla stood in her place, much to Callum and Ezran’s bewilderment.

“No other way but what?” She asked frowning and her arms crossed.

Callum froze, feeling nothing but his heart pounding in his chest. The last thing he wanted was for Rayla to find out about this, especially in this manner. But it was too late, she’d probably heard enough and there wasn’t a point in lying anymore. He sighed, then looked down when he answered her.

“To use the same spell I used to free Pyrrah two years ago,”

Rayla said nothing and her eyes just flittered. It was no wonder Callum looked upset that after they defeated Finnigran. He’d done it again. She clenched her fist and then walked out. Callum immediately got up and tried to call for her.

“Rayla wait! Please! I can explain!” His attempts to stop were her futile. Ezran put his hand on his shoulder and stopped him. “Wait this was all my fault this happened in the first place, let me go talk to her,” he insisted. Callum was reluctant but then nodded. He knew how much Rayla hated dark magic, no matter what he used it for. But he wasn’t sure how to tell her that it was only his last resort.

Rayla sat at her bed with her head in her hands. How could he do this again? She thought to herself. He knew how evil dark magic was but yet he still did it a second time. Her chaotic thoughts were finally interrupted by a knock on her door.

“Callum, I don’t want to talk now,”

“It’s me, Ezran. Can we please talk?”

She huffed in annoyance and rolled her eyes. She then got up and opened the door.

“Ezran, nothing you can say or do will change my mind about what he did. Dark magic is evil and he knew that,”

“Rayla please,” Ezran interrupted. “He only did it to save you. You and I both know that Callum rejects dark magic and that he wouldn’t have done it if it weren’t for a good reason,”

“It was still wrong. We’ve seen the effects of dark magic, what it does to people, what it did to him,”

“You know Rayla, there are lots of things we might do wrong, but sometimes, we might be doing it for a good reason,” Ezran finally spoke sternly to her. “Like when you left Callum and broke his heart, but in the end you had a reason you thought was right,”

Rayla was taken aback by what he said. She wanted to argue back and defend herself but instead she ended up looking down filled with guilt.

“Even I’ve made mistakes that I thought were for the right reasons, like when I stood down as King because I thought that there would be less violence and bloodshed, but that ultimately lead to Viren taking over Katolis and leading the armies of four kingdoms to Xadia,” Ezran paused and took his breath, still shuddering at his first failed term as king. “And I also knew that stealing the baby glow toads was in fact the right thing to do and I don’t regret it, but that was what lead to this whole situation we got ourselves into in the first place,” Ezran’s voice grew shakier as he continued to speak. “And that’s what put you in danger and made Callum resort to dark magic in order to save you,” his eyes started glistening and his tears started to fall. Rayla looked at the young king compassionately then took him in her arms, stroking his shoulders. They both sat down on the edge of her bed and Ezran wiped his tears away.

“But dwelling on the past on ours and each other’s mistakes won’t solve anything,” he finally spoke determinately. “We need to be compassionate and forgiving towards ourselves and each other in order to grow and get better. What’s more important is that we need to be more understanding of each other’s actions and intentions since we will never stop messing up and making mistakes. But at the same time, we need them in order to keep learning and growing,”

Rayla looked at him astounded and smiled softly. This little boy that she first met with hands drenched in jelly was now such a wise king beyond his years. She took a deep breath then stood up.

“Thank you, Ezran. I think I’ll just go talk to Callum,”

~

“Knock, knock,” Rayla said awkwardly as she waited by the open door to Callum’s office. He looked up at her, with regret and guilt still in his eyes.

“Rayla I can explain,”

“You don’t have to explain anything,” she gestured to stop him from saying another word.

“I know I was too harsh on you, this time and the first time around, even though you had no other choice. And in both times, it was because you wanted to save me and I would’ve been dead if you haven’t,” she looked down with shame.

“Rayla,” Callum got up and walked over to her, putting his hands on her shoulders. “When I said I would do anything for you, I really meant it. And I know how terrible dark magic is and I hate it more than anything. But I wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t the only choice I had to do the right thing, which was saving your life”

“Callum,” Rayla held his cheek with her hand. “You don’t have to justify this to me, I’m the one who actually came here to apologize,” She backed away a little then started pacing around. “There were so many horrible things I did like me leaving, or me lying to you and stealing the key to your office, and yet, you still forgave me even though you truly had every right to stay angry at me,”

Callum looked at her compassionately, unable to say anything more. Rayla came up to him and took his hands in hers. “I promise to be more forgiving and understanding just as you are with me,” she also put her hand back on his cheek and continued. “And I promise to keep you safe by staying by your side,”

Nothing more needed to be said by either of them. They both just smiled then wrapped each other in a warm hug.

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed! This was perhaps a really challenging one to write since I kept avoiding the whole “Rayla finding about Callum using dark magic again” idea but I wanted to challenge myself. I also tried to characterize her reaction similarly to how she was in S2 but at the same time grow and learn especially with the help of a wise king like Ezran 😁 I really love their dynamic and I enjoyed writing their conversation. I really hope this wasn’t too off-prompt and tried to have Rayla learn a whole lesson and then make a promise afterwards.

[imaginethezeldaverse]

Hello! I don't know if you write for the more obscure characters in Botw/Totk but I figured I'd ask just in case ☺️ Could you please write something about Tauro, Purah, Sidon and Zelda dating a Sheikah s/o who's chronically ill/disabled? It'd be great if you could make them specifically have weak bones and be really short too, and they're often upset how people keep babying them because they might fracture or break something. But if you want to keep it more open-ended that's fine too!

Thank you so so much, you're probably my favorite Zelda blog on Tumblr! Your writing and ideas are always like *chefs kiss* 😘! Have a good day and drink lots of water!

Whenever people tell me I'm their favorite anything it literally shocks me because there are SO many fantastic zelda fic blogs on here that I feel are vastly superior - but I thank you nonetheless! 🥰

I'll write for pretty much any character - I just keep romance and nsfw content for adults. So I'd be happy to!

Tauro, as well-mannered and good-natured he is, is amongst the mass where he needs to be reminded that while you are disabled, you aren't incapable of doing normal things. He tries his best to remember that, but his rambunctious and steadfast nature leads him to be righteous and helpful, even when it's not needed. Plus given his height, he always just assumes that people tend to need help to reach things in tall places if he's ever around. He does try his best to be sensitive to your needs and wants, however, tapping his hand to his chest when he catches himself doing too much. Instead, he makes an effort to remind himself to wait for you to ask him should you need anything. Very affectionate, otherwise - he enjoys making you smile and wrapping his big ol' bear arms around you (albeit, he's careful not to actually squeeze you too hard because he does NOT know his own strength) and is very attentive on the days that you specifically don't feel well and your body leaves you in a weaker state than normal.

Purah, being the research fanatic and accomplished scientist that she is, is already aware and well read on your illness. That, however, has never stopped her from being absolutely smitten with you. Where she is boisterous and outlandish, there is a careful resilience to you that she keeps close to her heart. She sees your frustration often with the townsfolk who treat you with unnecessary delicacy, and while she understands the "good-intent", she feels as you do: chronic illness should not beget differential treatment. When you express your frustrations, she's an open ear always. Purah is never one to explain why the people of your community act this way that leans in their favor, but rather why their attitudes should not portray you under a fragile light when you are anything but. She empathizes with you greatly, knowing exactly what it's like for your own people to treat you like you're something you're not (her experiences with de-aging left quite the mark), but she assures you that you've always got her on your side.

“I’ve never much like everyone else…and neither have you,” Purah muses, tapping her recorder in her hand. She lifts her glasses, her crimson eyes blazing in your direction with admiration and sincerity, “I guess that makes us a cut above the rest, now doesn’t it?”

Sidon is about as bubbly with you as you can imagine. That sharp smile completely alight when you're with him. His height difference compared to yours doesn't bother him considering he towers greatly over just about everyone he meets, so as long as you don’t care (which he secretly hopes you don’t!) then all is well. When he learns about your chronic illness, he’s at first admittedly worried, but he sees how much you value your independence and doesn’t push you to do less than anything you’re up for. Sidon, having learned his healing capabilities from Mipha, will actually offer to “bathe” with you whenever you’re not feeling especially strong, letting the softness of his magically imbued water immerse your body and take any pain or pressure off of your form for a while and bring you some ease. You don’t take him up on it often, half because you don’t feel it’s always necessary, and half because you don’t want to impose - though of course Sidon would refute you ever being an imposition upon him. He chooses his words very carefully, making sure to give you the impression that he’s willing to do whatever you need should you need something from him, but without overstepping and making you feel incapable.

“You’ll never be without, my darling,” Sidon whispers, taking your hand, those slit-pupiled eyes softening as he brushes back a lock of your silver-white hair, “But I will never claim to know you better than yourself.”

Zelda has always been a ball of curiosity, that’s one of the things you love about her. She has an awfully curious mind, so when you explain to her about your chronic illness for the first time, she of course asks you a lot of questions. You laugh thinking about back then, how she felt terrible for borderline prying into your life though she wanted to know everything about you at that time. You remember assuring her that it was fine, and it made you incredibly grateful that Impa had introduced you before she stepped down - it allowed you two to get close. The times that you’ve gone to town together, Zelda takes notice of how people tend to treat you akin to porcelain: delicate, fragile, some even giving off the impression that you’re a lost cause because of your Sheikah heritage. Combined with your stature (with Zelda herself being on the shorter side of an average Hylian’s height), it’s enough to infuriate you both. You two tend to bounce off of one another: shes sticks up for you when you feel like someone’s unnecessarily babying you, and you put your two cents in whenever someone is overly cautious and hovering due to her status, even after proving herself beyond capable. Ultimately she too understands your plight of people looking at you differently because of who are you or what they know about you. She recants the days when her father treated her as helpless and small, hyper focused on keeping her in line rather than letting her be her own person. She takes your hand, intertwining fingers with yours and lending you a genuine smile.

“But we are not weak. We are not frail or easily broken. I am not defined entirely by my title,” Zelda kisses the top of your hand before gently covering it with her other in an endearing move, “And you are not defined by your illness.”

[solarsleepless]

hello all

basically, i'm going to be watching bsc episodes and listing down the autistic traits i see in kristy. i may have a bonus part for the other girls but i'm mainly going to be focusing on kristy as she is my favourite.

without further ado, let's do this

Episode 1

right off the bat we get the line "I was doing the most talking, as per usual." autistic people have a tendency to dominate conversations or to "monologue"

also, mary anne is kristy's only friend at the very beginning. most autistic people find it challenging to make any new friends, both due to any communicative issues and because they don't want to change up their routine. kristy is clearly just fine with having only mary anne as a friend, which is shown in later episodes

"it was boiling in there, like surface of venus levels hot and he just kept droning on and on" autistic people are wayyy more prone to sensory issues than most other people, and that can include temperature, especially if they start sweating, which for many people causes sensory distress. autistic people also find it hard to concentrate for a myriad of possible reasons, including filtering out information our brains deem 'irrelevant' even if they're not

"If he was such a genius, why didn't he say all people?" autistic people tend to have a strong sense of justice and a black and white view of things, having very clear ideas of what is right and wrong in their head. yes, kristy's a feminist, but her willingness to correct him without a care for manners reads as autistic to me

"except apparently, i raised my voice, and didn't raise my hand." manners, even well remembered ones like raising your hand, can sometimes be forgotten by autistic people if it's something they're passionate about: in this case, kristy's need for correction and fairness overrode that

"[the boys in the back are] wiping sweat on each other, but somehow, i'm the disruptive one" autism in AFABs is often seen as being rude or disruptive despite them often just being passionate about the subject. also, sensory issues again?

"claudia and mary anne and i used to hang out all the time. but that was before claudia decided she was more into boys and clothes than us." another example of how kristy has had very few people in life she considers friends and has stuck with them for most of her life. also, possible rejection sensitive dysphoria made kristy see it as bigger than it actually is, because they seem to be fine when they interact, like nothing happened

in the next scene, we see kristy helping david michael with a puzzle. puzzles are often enjoyed by autistic people due to being structured, logical, visual and with a clear end, all of which are treasured aspects of things for autistic people.

stimming!!! lots of stimming. when explaining her new concept which she has clearly quickly hyperfixated on, we see her pacing and fidgeting with her hands as well as gesturing. also, having a strong moral code and wanting to put in effort for kids to be happy

she seems pretty startled when stacey appears, and is a little upset when it's obvious claudia has told her about the club idea: autistic people find it hard to find their footing after their expectations of how something would go are thrown off, but kristy's new hyperfixation overrules this change of plans

even though her need to infodump and talk about this new idea made her not lose her cool, she's visibly still unsure when stacey suggests things. even afterwards, she tries to... "villainize" feels to strong a word, but tries to make reasons for why she disliked her even though it's obvious she was just taken off guard

"maybe new people weren't an invading force to be repelled at all costs" here we get to see how much kristy detests change—even when it's beneficial, she'd rather stick with one or two friends. pay special attention to the wording: "at all costs". kristy will always try and evade change

another sign of her intolerance for change is how much she just dislikes watson, even though he seems like a nice guy. she doesn't want to accept that he is going to a fixture in their lives because it will mean that her family will change a lot, at least in her view (though i will say she has a lot of abandonment issues and trauma from her dad leaving her which shifts her perception on any guy her mom dates)

also from here on out i think we can see a clear hyperfixation on business and law, judging by her attitude and comments later on about the club

this whole dinner scene just feels very autistic to me: she takes what her mother says about "feeling okay about it" very literally and bulldozes any attempt of conversation. she is not okay about the idea of her mother marrying watson and she doesn't understand the social cue of her being more gentle about it. she genuinely doesn't understand why her mom would ask about it if she, in kristy's perspective, was not going to listen to her, when kristy is the one not listening to her over a misunderstanding.

this might be more of a me thing, but kristy trying to send her mom an email to apologize just feels really autistic to me, as it resonates hard with me and what i've done in the past. i used to leave messages in google translate for my parents to apologize. idk but its worth looking at

"i'm bossy, get used to it" shows that not only is she fairly controlling, but she's also aware of this fact. i couldn't find much research on this, but many autistic people are bossy or controlling so they know what to expect and so that things go exactly to plan.

kristy's lack of tact and sense with the phone. just. that.

claudia remarks that she's starting to remember why she stopped hanging out with kristy so much—because she's controlling and "bossy". this is partially due to feeling like everything that happened with her dad was out of her control and so it intensified the shittier he became, combined with that, autistic people can tend to come off as too much. also, rejection sensitive dysphoria—stares off into the distance and doesn't talk.

autistic people tend to be very trusting of others, taking lots of what they say at face value, and struggling to comprehend why someone would lie to them. despite only knowing stacey for a short amount of time and not even completely liking her, she's devastated when it turns out stacey was lying to them.

"this whole situation has spiralled out of my control, and that's a feeling i really, really hate." same points that have been made above—absolute control over what happens when they're involved is a big thing for autistics so they know completely what's going on. add on her trauma about her absent father, and it makes sense why she acts the way she does.

more about the trust!! she trusts stacey to not only know about her hyperfixation but also to be directly involved in it—that's a really big deal for us autistics!! it means we Trust you!!

more hammering in about kristy's control issues. i'm glad i've only seen One (1) fic demonizing her for it but at the same time that's one too many

kristy being just. so blunt. i love her. "you're controlling my THOUGHTS now?" "yes." a lot of autistic people don't see any reason to not be honest most of the time.

is just. dead serious about the "i should resign before i'm impeached".

more bluntness!! "when mary anne gets scared at something you think is silly, do you make fun of her and call her a baby?" "yeah, sometimes." "oh. but you're still her best friend, right?" "yes." but also, bluntness isn't always a bad thing. kristy just casually throws in the "i love you" because she thinks it at that moment and means it, so she sees no reason not to say it because it's true.

more finding it easier to say stuff like "thank you" over text than in person, just like the "i'm sorry" earlier

additional notes:

mary anne is autistic too!! we see her stimming, though, stroking the end of her braid during her convo abt the club with stacey, kristy and claudia. also her just letting kristy speak a lot feels autistic but idk how to explain it. also, she's good with visual organization, such as keeping things orderly in a google docs and writing minutes. i feel like she'd rather her do it than anyone else, that way she can help the club and make it easier for her to concentrate on the club itself. also, stacey and even claudia, her childhood best friend, both remark that she doesn't speak a lot. she definitely isn't nonverbal, but she absolutely lets people talk over hers and seems to find it more comfortable to not speak, at least early on. i could only find stuff for nonspeaking and nonverbal autistics, but i've had several periods where it wasn't uncomfortable to speak, but i was much more comfortable not speaking, which i think might be the case for mary anne, though it could be a mark of her simply not knowing what to add.

claudia CLEARLY has adhd!! she doodles and fidgets a lot, and many adhders turn out to be artists due to their creativity and excess energy that they expel via doodling. she draws on her shoes, and the teacher remarks that she "wouldn't want another failed quiz on your average", indicating her struggle with school, which we see even more of in the coming episodes, and people with adhd tend to have poor academic perfomance, mainly for their struggle with executive dysfunction skills.

claudia also spells "prety grate" instead of "pretty great" in her email to kristy. judging by this and later scenes in the series, it's possible she has dyslexia and/or dyscalculia, which has been reported to more or less have a 25% comorbidity with adhd

janine is also pretty obviously autistic-coded; her room is very dimly lit, she hardly ever leaves it, has flat affect, doesn't pick up much on claudia's social cues, has a special interest in computer and tech and whatnot, has a very extensive vocabulary, and butts in on conversations with her advice without asking before leaving after they get what she's saying

and that's it for episode 1 !!!! tell me what you think, and i'll see you all with part 2 very soon :)

[dr-futbol-blog]

Letters from Pegasus, Pt. 1

The episode Letters from Pegasus (S01E17) does not have a ton of interaction between Sheppard and McKay but significant things do take place in it, and we learn a lot about the characters. We also get to view them, but especially McKay, through other people's eyes.

It starts with a meeting about the upcoming wraith attack, continuing the plot set up at the end of the previous episode. While Sheppard and McKay are mirroring each other, both rubbing their thumb over their fist (and it's impossible to say which is mirroring which here), Sheppard seems... cranky. While at the beginning of Hot Zone (S01E13) both McKay and Sheppard seemed to be in a good mood, we have now seen several episodes in a row where they are in a sour mood at the beginning but then, suddenly, with no explanation, seem to get along like a house on fire. In the previous episode The Brotherhood (S01E16), they also made sure to let us know that they had time enough to spend some private moments between these two states of affairs. So. They had time to play 'the game,' I guess.

It's a pattern interrupt that the same doesn't happen in this episode. Sheppard starts in a sour mood and we don't see it improve much. In fact, it just keeps getting worse. We are, however, told that McKay has been spending a lot of time in his lab following the news of the imminent wraith attack, and that he has even been spending actual nights there working. We see him spend the entire night there recording his message to Earth in this very episode while Sheppard is off-world. Whether these two things are connected is left for anyone to decide for themselves but it would explain a lot of the weirdness going on in the episode.

So, they are gathered around the table. Back when Sheppard seemed to be just interested in McKay, he often chose to sit on the exact opposite side of the table to be able to look at him. And during meetings, his eyes would frequently either drift to McKay or stay there nearly the whole time. Back then, he was observing McKay and making mental notes about his character and mannerisms, like the fact that he liked to drink 11 cups of coffee per day--which is why he also knew that McKay would be upset about the coffee running out.

Now, however, they are seated next to each other. Sheppard is seated at the far-end of the table actually on the seat that we saw McKay sitting on in Sanctuary (S01E14). And true to form, he's not facing forward but has turned his body toward McKay. And while he is leaning back, his legs seem to be stretched out so that he is actually even closer to McKay under the table than we get to see. This is pretty symbolic to how the subtextual narrative is being constructed. And damn, if there isn't something erotic about the way they are moving their thumbs. McKay's thumb is also... erect and pointed at Sheppard for most of this scene.

Everyone else is leaning forward on the table which shows engagement with the topic of discussion, Sheppard is the only one of them leaning back. You could interpret it as everyone else taking this seriously and him at least projecting being relaxed about it, leaning back like a nonchalant slacker. Only, we know that that's not how he feels about this situation. More likely is that drawing back communicates some level of resistance on his part, like just the topic of the wraith is making him defensive.

But if he is trying to project calm with his posture, he is definitely doing it with his words:

Weir: Well, we knew they were coming; at least now we know when. Sheppard: That's something. McKay: That's something?! Sheppard: It means there's still time, Rodney -- there's no reason to panic… yet.

Again we find Sheppard making light of something that is anything but light to him. He feels a crushing responsibility for each and every life on Atlantis. He is demonstrating exemplary leadership in that he is attempting to project positivity and hope where he feels none himself since despair is not going to help them. He uses Rodney's name, trying to project this calm especially on him probably because he knows that they all have to help McKay do what ever kind of magic he does, and that when McKay "reacts to certain doom in a certain way," the building feeling of panic keeps his mind from working on the problem. By using his name, by talking directly to him, he is trying to anchor McKay to the present.

Ford suggests that they might take the ZPM from the children of Childhood's End (S01E05) as a last ditch effort. Both Weir and Teyla seem to find this morally reprehensible but McKay, while not precisely supporting the idea, is at least willing to entertain it: "He raises a valid point. We've already established that the ZPM is nearly depleted, but it could be of some limited use to us." Note that he is talking about just the ZPM, even his original plan entailed bringing the children to Atlantis to keep them safe. While Sheppard does not express his opinion either way, he does give McKay a look. But, later on, he has the following exchange with Teyla:

Teyla: Earlier today Lieutenant Ford suggested we steal from a community of children. Sheppard: It's because they have a ZPM and we can bring them back. Teyla: Only to face death in Atlantis? Sheppard: Look, Ford and I are military. We've spent a lot of our lives learning how to survive.

Note first that he highlights Ford's and his own role in the military, which is relevant for later. And while McKay is not mentioned, he is actually also defending McKay's position here, as he so often does. For their current discussion, this tells us that he was at least willing to consider Ford's suggestion and that he remembered what McKay had told him months ago back on the planet:

Teyla: We cannot just take it. It is their only source of protection against the Wraith. McKay: There's no evidence that the Wraith have been here in years. Besides, if this is a fully functioning ZPM, we can bring them all back to Atlantis. How hard could that be? Sheppard: Hard… but a ZPM could give us the power to make a lot of problems go away. McKay: Exactly.

For this reason, I would interpret the look Sheppard gives McKay as him remembering this earlier exchange. McKay is focused on the problem and not on its moral implications at the moment but he's far from heartless. Saving the children was always a part of his agenda. But it turns out McKay has another idea, so he has actually been spending those nights in his lab doing something useful. He erects another finger as he introduces his idea, and it is now that Sheppard finally leans forward like the rest of them. He gives what McKay is about to say his entire focus. All the while Sheppard seems to be focused on McKay pretty much all of the time, it is his thinking that he now gives his focus over his presence.

Teyla: If this is to be our end, it is best we face it with both dignity and honour. McKay: To that end, I actually have an idea--in addition to panic. Sheppard: Let's hear it. McKay: It's really a long shot, but I think it's most likely worth the effort. Of course, it will mostly be my effort, so-- Sheppard: What is it?

Here, you can clearly see how cranky Sheppard is. He interrupts McKay needing him to get to the point faster (as discussed previously, Sheppard is fast and McKay likes to take his time; this applies to many things in their lives). It's not that he doesn't enjoy listening to McKay talk--unlike most people McKay has met in his life, he actually does; we frequently witness Sheppard approach him with an explicit "Talk to me, Rodney"--but that right now he needs to be doing something so badly that it is making him edgy. He needs McKay to give him something to work towards.

In The Storm (S01E09), Sheppard and Weir have the following exchange:

Sheppard: You know McKay'll come up with something. He's just setting himself up to be a hero. Weir: Yeah, we know how Rodney is.

So, you might think that that is what's happening here and that Sheppard simply has no patience for it at present. It certainly seems like McKay is setting himself up to be a hero. Only, he's doing this out of insecurity. He's stalling because he himself is unsure about the idea and how it will be received, whether it's worth even mentioning. He is presenting it in this way because it takes some of the crushing pressure off of him. If he tells them it might not work and then it does, that's great. But if he presents his idea with confidence and it then fails, he will have let everyone down (and then they would have no reason to want to keep him around anymore). Sheppard has much more confidence in McKay's ideas than he has himself. This is why Sheppard cuts right through his insecurity with "What is it?"--he's already prepared to implement what ever it is, what ever it takes.

McKay tells them that they might be able to send a message back to Earth. Where the others either express incredulity or start asking him about how this might possibly work, Sheppard just assumes that it is going to work and, once more, steps right over the part where people usually take time to decide whether they believe McKay because he trusts McKay's judgement to such an extent as to make this a waste of time:

Sheppard: How much time are we talking about? McKay: Well, approximately, uh, one point three seconds, give or take. Beckett: That's not much time. Ford: Time enough to say "SOS"! McKay: Don't be so analogue!

While the others immediately start commenting on McKay's answer, Sheppard just seems to think it over. While he might not be sure what McKay is getting at here, he knows that there has to be something to the idea. He's not doubting whether it can be done, he's wondering whether they should.

Sheppard is also impressed by McKay's accuracy here, as seen in a moment. We see him want precise numbers from McKay on multiple occasions and McKay is frustrated by his need for what he calls "arbitrary numbers". But here he gives a very accurate approximation, and I wonder if it isn't Sheppard's love for Star Trek that makes him yearn these precise numbers from McKay. Whether he would have been savvy to the homoerotic subtext or just seen them as very good friends, the closeness between the characters of Kirk and Spock must have been appealing to him as a little boy. To have someone as loyal as Spock at your side, always.

Something I find both interesting and important happens then. McKay tells them, "I helped refine the encoding for the US Air Force a few years back. Colonel Carter should be able to decipher it on the other side."

Here, at the present time, McKay is not projecting anything or acting to anyone. There is no reason for him to do what he so often does in connection with Carter, which is to crassly and extremely publicly express his attraction toward her. To portray the sleazebag we know he isn't. Here, we see what McKay really thinks about Carter when he has no need to put on this pretense: he mentions her in a completely professional way, and gives her all due respect as a colleague. He trusts that Carter will be able to figure out what he's intended to do, he knows her well enough to know that. But there is not a hint at anything beyond collegiality in his tone. We can contrast this with later in this same episode when he's talking about Carter on a video message that he knows is going to be viewed by at least one but possibly several members of the military, maybe even Carter herself. There is a stark contrast between these two references to her in this same episode.

Whether or not he feels some kind of way about McKay mentioning her name in a completely neutral way (because we saw Sheppard react to McKay saying her name with an "Oy-yoy-yoy!" back in Childhood's End, which this episode is intentionally calling back to), Sheppard continues to express crankiness especially toward McKay. Not that most things that he has said haven't been directed at McKay anyway. Again, while they are in a meeting with other people, they just slip into having a conversation amongst themselves:

Sheppard: You're suggesting this now? McKay: Because it probably won't work, and there's a very good chance it could overload our naqahdah generators in the process. Sheppard: Well, then, we can't take the risk! No power, we won't have a chance in hell! McKay: There are three Wraith hive ships on the way, Major! Desperate times call for desperate measures. Besides, I spent the last few days working out ways of minimising the risk.

Now, this is the second time in two episodes that Sheppard seems upset that McKay hadn't told him something like he's supposed to know everything that he does. That's, like, real dedicated team leader behaviour right there.

You can either think that he's some kind of a control freak or that the two of them spend an awful lot of time talking with each other and that for some reason he feels entitled to know all of McKay's business ("If and when anything I do becomes your business..."; the when of the matter seems to taken place between The Sanctuary and Before I Sleep). He's a good friend, John Sheppard.

What's interesting is that McKay refers to him as Major, here. We have not heard him use the title since their encounter in the hallway in front of Chaya's quarters. Both times it seems geared toward reminding Sheppard of the role he is supposed to be playing here, it was supposed to get his attention. Sheppard's tone sounded like he was about to forget that they were with other people, like he was about to start escalating the exchange in a way that might not be suitable for the eyes and ears of others for a number of reasons (and here, just thinking about the familiarity of it, not even the getting it over with part). Sheppard himself even glances at the others before continuing, like making sure that they're still arguing the normal amount for co-workers. They have a tendency of overstepping those roles so fast that they fail to notice it themselves.

McKay uses the title to remind him of this. And Sheppard actually reacts to it. He blinks, like he really didn't like McKay calling him that. I won't go so far as to claim he reacts like he was struck but it does seem to sting. Both the fact that McKay over-enunciates the word and that Sheppard seems to react to him speaking the word in particular tells us that Major is not what McKay calls him most of the time. And that this has been the case for a while by this time.

While we as the audience don't get to hear McKay call him by his name for a long time this seems to indicate that in private, McKay has been calling him something else. But at the same time, McKay mentions that he had spent the last few days working on this. The last few days likely including the last few nights. Desperate times do call for desperate measures. It's not because he doesn't want to be with Sheppard that he has had to spend all of his time in the lab recently. Sheppard is not happy to be reminded of this state of affairs, and he actually turns slightly away from McKay for the first time. He's well aware that McKay has spent the last few days working, thank you.

McKay explains to them what all they will be able to do with the time allotted and their response allows us to contrast Ford and Sheppard with regards to McKay. Ford often repeats what McKay has said in the form of a question because he doesn't understand it right away. He's not dumb, McKay is just difficult to follow at times, and he needs him to clarify things for him, to confirm that he heard him correctly. They have the following exchange:

Ford: All that, one second? Sheppard: One point three. McKay: See, you jest, but if I can finesse the compression ratios, you'll be looking for things to add. Weir: Do it. McKay: Doing it.

In contrast to Ford, Sheppard not only pays attention to everything McKay says, he also retains the information. Whether it is important mission related stuff, sciency stuff, or just details about his life, Sheppard files everything McKay says off into his permanent memory. You don't do that unless someone is important to you.

Weir considers McKay's proposal for a moment and gives him the go-ahead. McKay takes off to his lab to do it which also means that they won't be "doing it" for the foreseeable future.

Sheppard looks at Weir while she's considering. This is the longest that we have seen Sheppard ever look at Weir, and he's looking her in the eyes. The way he's looking at her, it's almost like a challenge. Like he can't quite believe what he's seeing.

The thing is, the wraith approaching is undeniably a military matter. Contacting SGC and the USAF to send them mission reports from the senior staff is definitely a military matter. They probably both know that they will have to reopen their previous discussion about the chain of command. This call should have been Sheppard's but, possibly out of respect for her and the fragile balance they have managed to strike, he lets her call it.

He takes on after her as the meeting ends wanting to discuss this in private rather than in front of everyone because one should never question the chain of command in front of the troops. It seems to be forming into a problem. But notice that he watches McKay leave, taking that one last look; you can also tell that McKay was the whole reason he was turned toward him in that as he leaves, Sheppard turns to face forward like you normally would around a table, with McKay no longer there, he has no reason to sit at an angle or rest his arm on his thigh so that it's not forming a barrier between them.

So, Sheppard corners Weir outside of the meeting room:

Sheppard: Elizabeth, you realise that if Stargate Command was able to send help… Weir: I know, they would have. But still, we have a responsibility to report what we've learned here, about Atlantis, about the Ancients… Sheppard: …the Wraith. Weir: Exactly. We have to warn Earth. Sheppard: Even if it's the last thing we do. Weir: Especially if it's the last thing we do.

It isn't that Sheppard is worried that McKay's plan is going to end up leaving them defenseless. We have seen the absolute trust he has in McKay's abilities and if McKay says he can get this thing to work, that's what he's going to do. His reluctance to contact Earth is not caution, is not a matter of security. There is something else that is making him uneasy about it.

Sheppard isn't sure what to think about this plan, about contacting SGC. He has been acting as the military commander of Atlantis for the past months because he had to take the life of his own commanding officer, and he believes that all the trouble they are in right now is his fault. Of course Earth deserves to know all these things, to have their mission reports, to have all the pertinent information that might at least assure that the wraith won't pose a threat to Earth. But he also thinks that sending all the information back to Earth will be the end of his command here.

What ever he has managed to build here, with these people, it has only ever been temporary arrangement, borrowed time. Of course his superiors on Earth would not want him to continue in this role. Not only did they consider him suspect to begin with, he has screwed up so royally while on this command that he will be lucky if he ever gets to face a court martial again. And this is just doing his duty, never mind what ever else the may have been doing that is against regulations while he has been far away from Earth and the watchful eyes of his superiors. He doesn't deserve to have good things so of course as soon as he had found a little bit of happiness, has finally found a home and something he considers a family, that he would have to lose it.

He left Earth not like most people on the expedition, not knowing whether he would ever be able to return, but actually wishing that he wouldn't. There was nothing there for him to return to. But this chance to contact Earth forces him to face all kinds of thoughts and emotions about himself and his life that he would really rather not think about. He knows McKay's idea is going to work. He knows it's a good idea. He knows that they have to do this. But he would still rather not have to contact Earth.

Notice how, when he approaches Weir to make his point, he is doing the exact same gesture McKay did earlier in the meeting. Same hand. We have never seen Sheppard do this before. And it's not like he's consciously adopting or picking up mannerisms from him. He's just so attuned to McKay's physical presence that his body does this of its own accord. This also creates an obstacle between them whereas back in the meeting room, he wouldn't even rest his hand on the table for not wanting to have it between himself and McKay. There is no damn way, no damn way, that they didn't do this on purpose. It's way too consistent.

Continued in Pt. 2

[eternal-moss]

Thoughts on Arlecchino’s animated short part 1

This will obviously have spoilers for the new animated short, and my thoughts on it. I’m fairly up to date on the lore, but without having certain 5* characters, there may be information I’m missing that’s already been explained more. Cw for child death

At the beginning I thought that what was obviously ‘water’ from the colour and sound effects moved quite weirdly, but when I looked back at it, they seemed more like flames, which is pretty fitting. Not only is the House of the Hearth in Fontaine, but it has Fontainian children, who were quite literally made from the primordial sea. The flames are also a reference for the ‘hearth’ part of the name.

So. The ‘bat’ on the left is 100% Dottore and no one can convince me otherwise (who’s on the right? No clue lol). I know he looked quite different in Nahida’s story about Scaramouche, where he was a strange bird thing wearing the skin of a fox. But seriously the stethoscope, the plaster, the half-half colouring like his webcomic mask and the deranged grin looks so much like him. I think there was a lot of illusions to deception in this short, and Dottore’s deception in Scarmouche’s story is similar to the ‘halo’ above Dottore’s head, where he’s pretending to be charitable as opposed to just using the children.

More on deception, presenting this whole thing as a children’s story is to make it seem more exciting to children while obscuring the truth, which is something I’m sure Arlecchino loathes. The false sense of joviality and kindness from the ‘Mother’ is probably why Arlecchino operates in a very honest but cold manner, explaining what will happen and how. Also, Arlecchino seems to have changed the entire function of the House of the Hearth, which I’ll talk about later.

But seriously, I don’t understand the Fatui at all, why do so many of their plans centre around slaughtering children?? They obviously see children (especially foreign children) as a disposable commodity which is depressing. With Dottore’s experiments being aimed at children like Collei, taking them en masse and killing many on the off chance that one might survive taking on god remnants. The House seems to be similar, but like a more hunger games style trial to create physically strong people, instead of magically enhanced people (although, there’s probably some overlap, which you can see with Arlecchino…)

Arle’s (or rather Peruere’s) curse appears to spread when she’s upset. I love this scene, our girl was emo from birth it seems. I completely understand the grief of loosing a pet spider, I was probably around the same age when it happened to me too coincidentally.

Look at these two. Their relationship is so cute, and Clervie seems to have a genuine appreciation for Arlecchino’s behaviour and quirks. I could write pages about Arle’s gender non-conformity, but the clothes she wears are much more similar to young boys’ clothing (and it’s super reminiscent of Freminet’s clothing too!).

I love Fontaine architecture man, and the waves here look super eerie and foreboding. We know that Arlecchino was *heavily* invested in preventing the prophecy, which is the main motivation we know of hers. I wonder if things have changed a lot in the House after the Fontaine archon quest ending. We know something is amiss from the trailer & Arlecchino’s discussion with Neuvillette but I have no idea what

This might be an animation error, but why did Arle’s doll have an earring before she did? These two shots are years apart, and Arlecchino clearly doesn’t have an earring in the first one but does in the next. Maybe she vicariously pierced the doll’s ear first before having permission to do it to herself?

“I’m sorry… thank you” seems ironically like something someone with a curse might say, who was looking to be killed (stares at Albedo), so what happened with Clervie?? The two seemed basically inseparable before, and even though the patching-up scene earlier could have been a fight between the two of them, I feel like it’s unlikely that they would have genuinely fought to the death without some serious compulsion. I don’t think that threats would have been enough to make something like this happen, so maybe the ‘Mother’ influenced Clervie’s mind somehow? The fact that Arlecchino had to kill her to fully subdue her & the flames in the background makes it seem like she exerted herself a lot, and so Clervie must have been a pretty good fighter too then.

Still trying to figure out exactly where tf the house of the Hearth is located. Is it in the new area that’s being released? Is it even technically in Fontaine boundaries if it’s beyond the ‘terrestrial sea’?

Metaphor time! The first quote with the Lumidouce Bell is “I should have pruned this flower long ago, not waited ‘till it wilts… how grotesque.” And the second is “a bird tied down will never fly the nest. You are no exception.” Both seem pretty vague to me to be honest- the Lumidouce Bell is Clervie’s symbol, and it could be about killing Clervie. But I also think it could refer to disciplining Arlecchino and making her conform (especially with the ‘grotesque’ comment and the fact that pruning isn’t supposed to kill a plant). Maybe it’s referring to all the children of the Hearth, and how she let them grow too old before setting them to fight each other, and as a group how they would have developed rebellious attitudes in that time. Who knows.

I’m wondering what the ‘ties’ are for the second one- are they physical restraints or emotional ones? The nest is very obviously the Hearth, and ‘flying’ presumably means leaving the House (like the expression to describe children reaching adulthood & leaving their family home), which the ‘Mother’ doesn’t want if she wants a ‘king’.

More of Arlecchino’s curse progressing in a time of stress. And also being motivated by the Lumidouce flower (again probably symbolising Clervie).

All this about becoming the one true ‘king’ confuses me so much because genuinely what is the point?? It seems that most of the children are dead now with a few exceptions, and if she wants a ‘king’ to stay in the House of the Hearth and not leave to go on missions, what purpose do they have? ‘Ruling’ over the few remaining children?

I presume we’ll have an explanation soon, but the fact that Arlecchino wants to emulate the practice of having a ‘king’ confuses me too, because she seems to want to be the opposite of the previous ‘Mother’.

What an icon lmao. Arlecchino’s fighting style is so satisfying and so was this kick. The way she didn’t say “Mother… my answer is no!” And then kick but just immediately kicked after saying ‘Mother’ is so hilarious to me. Girl did NOT hesitate.

‘DiDnT sHe kiLL a hArBiNgEr” Then why is she locked in this ridiculously low security cell 😭. If you look at the lines in the floor the bars of cell are quite literally wider than her body, and she isn’t even tied to that chair. I know it’s probably so they could get a good shot but still it’s slightly cartoonish

SPEAKING OF CARTOONISH. Scaramouche looks so so silly here, I love that for him. He quite literally looks like a preteen boy, complete with the hood. Signora looks incredible here, I wish we could see more of her outfits. I really don’t care much for the other two, Pierro could be interesting in the future but I’m not particularly drawn to him

Okay. I’ve reached the photo limit…. I’ll do a part two…

[faereina]

I intended this to just be a sketch, but i liked it so much that I ended up making a mini ref sheet of Aerine, the first dnd character I ever made. I’ve only been playing for around 2 years but out of over a dozen campaigns that ended early or fell through, she’s been the longest standing one ! So while her design and story is a bit “basic” compared to other characters I’ve made since then, she has a special place in my heart 🩷

here’s her spotify playlist and pinterest board too hehe

more random infodumping about her below !

Her campaign (Tales from Estaria) is from a homebrew world by my amazing dm! It’s very Victorian-era / steampunk inspired with lots of eldritch horror elements. The dress in her reference sheet (designed by @angeliets ) is intended to be her wedding dress! I had tried to draw her wedding dress myself before (which you can see in this tiktok i made about her ) but after seeing his design when joining his ko-fi membership, I knew I had to change it immediately. The veil is a bit different than his original design, as she would be using a veil gifted by her mother! Here are some more outfit ideas I’ve drawn (please ignore my inconsistent art style lol)

As for the quote I put on her ref sheet, it comes from something I said during a session. For context, our party visited a very religious country where magic coming from any source other than their god is illegal. We brought with us a child our party has been protecting, Peter, who who had celestial runes carved into his arms after his family was slaughtered by a cult worshipping a being known as the Lady of the Woods, one of the four eldritch beings who are trying to end the world.

While stopping in one of the towns for a rest, Peter’s scars were noticed by a civilian who thought we had kidnapped/harmed him. We tried explaining, but they were unresponsive and Peter, who has aasimar blood and is a draconic soul sorcerer without full control of his abilities yet because he’s a literal child, freaked out trying to pull away and used some magic. With that, the civilians then started calling HIM a monster and attacked him which is all it took for the entire party to go off on them.

Of course, as a party consisting of two tieflings, a hexblood, a warforged and Aerine, and with 3/5 being casters, it wasn’t a good look and the people started calling us devils. We did manage to do (mostly) non-lethal damage, and the warforged ended up crashing a carriage into the building for us to get away. Aerine said that line before slamming the carriage door shut which was honestly a badass moment for her as she’s normally very polite and gentle in her speech. She was extremely upset at the audacity of these people to use their religious beliefs to excuse hurting an innocent child, especially when moments before they were SO concerned.

She is very protective of the innocent, especially children. Which is also why her dislikes include the part about not liking when her party members giving children weapons. Several of the members have given Peter weapons or taught him how to use them. They do have good intentions, as they want him to be able to protect himself in case of the worst of they aren’t there to do so. However, she strongly believes that it isn’t a responsibility or burden that should ever be placed on a child, and that they instead should work to improve themselves and their abilities so that there is never a possibility of such a situation occurring.

NOW AS FOR THE MONSTER PART LMAO

So everyone knows the reputation bards have, and well, she’s probably the least bard of all bards in that manner (hooray strict and sheltered upbringings in a society literally inspired by the Victorian era!). I thought it would be a funny idea to roll the dice any time we encountered an NPC to see how attractive she found them, and it backs a long running joke. However, she would always roll super low for everyone ! It wasn’t until mid-battle one day when the warlock (who has a weird Venom-type situation going on) was in their monstrous form that I was like, hm, wouldn’t this count as an npc since it’s technically a different being? that I randomly decided to roll and got like an 18 or something really high like that 😂 since then, I’ve rolled for many more npcs and even monster type creatures (such as this death lich we came across) and she’s only - ONLY- rolled higher than a 14 for monsters.

Well, she did also roll very high (actually, it may have even been a Nat20) when I rolled for the tiefling ranger after he came back from 5 months(5 minutes in the material plane) of being stuck in the Feywild with a hot nymph with a beard from not being allowed to shave. It may or may not have sparked a small crush on him since then. Funnily enough, last session we encountered his human version in an alternate timeline from our own, and she did indeed roll lower in her attraction for his human version than his original version. So apparently the farther from human, the more attracted she is. A true monster lover!

Anyways this ended up , much more of a lore dump than I expected! I love talking about her and her adventures with the party, so I’ll probably be sharing more once in a while. Maybe even sharing art of the party members? Who knows !

[dcwnthercbbithcle]

Mapplethorpe accidentally killing his best friend and girlfriend because he didn't feed into his Vampirism, so it took literal control over his mind and MADE him feed it.

Manipulating his fear and his need for comfort in moment of starvation and weakness. Taking advantage of his gut instinct to seek Doe out, because Doe's composed and clever and always seems to have the way to comfort him and making things better. Mape's Vampirism using this line of thought to make him hunt her down, abduct her and kill her by completely altering his mind to ensure he doesn't struggle and starve himself any further. Painting this picture in the warped, deluded scape of his mind clouded by his pain that Mape's just run to her. Flew off with her, scared and upset, but when they touch down in the bluff, she calms him down, she manages to make the pain go away and talk him down out of his panic some other way. Until he finally is given back control of his senses and mind and is left in the explosive aftermath of his actions. Leading to Doe's resurrection as we all know.

And Mapplethorpe thinking that after everything, after bringing her back the trauma of that event is over...

until Doe's adoptive family, but especially her younger sister and her girlfriend mobilize with a plan of attack and decide they are gonna wear him down, either by just annoying him into submission or by straight up kidnapping him until he fesses up where Doe went.

Cause Zoe KNOWS, she KNOWS Mapplethorpe knows something. Doe and him were attached at the hip for months before she disappeared! She was dragging the slump that was him around, and damn if he didn't seem happy about it. But he didn't take part in a single search, he didn't seem torn up, he didn't come near her folks home, he never went to the vigil, he stopped frequenting the boardwalk as much, AND he started to avoid her siblings and parents like they had the plague. It seems, to Zoe at least, like a real 'Jenny Was a Friend of Mine' situation. But Zoe has no idea how he places into the 'strange thing that came out of the sky like a missile and grabbed her' equation, but she KNOWS he's involved SOMEHOW.

And Reese is just so so in love with Zoe that she's picking up the baton in the fight for finding what happened to Doe without question. Her girlfriend mourning and obviously horrifically traumatized by whatever happened to her sister? Reese is gonna find whatever happened to her or drag the person responsible to her feet. Lesbian love is just like that! Reese is a lot chiller about it but like, she's approaching Mapplethorpe in the fakest good cop manner cause Reese is out here like 'accidents happen! let's say you and Doe were roughhousing near the cliffs and she slipped and fell, it happens! We just want to know cause they're really hurting' but she's also wearing like 20 wires and Mape knows she's trying to coax a 'confession' but he couldn't even explain what happened if he wanted to! (he doesn't)

[irishpotato19]

Wylde Brothers Headcanons

because I can and I love them

I got tired of staring at the hands on my sketch and trying to draw them, so here's some headcanons for the bros...they make sense to me, idk about you lol

-Holy hell are these two boys so similar but so so different

-Both are cocky and hotheaded as hell, Kurt's mellowed out a bit, but is still cocky and stubborn

-Get serious ego boosts always

-Kurt's an eye roller, literally all the time. Or has super dry comebacks and snarky remarks ready on the fly and tells the worst dad jokes

-Both don't trust people very easily or willingly, and tend to self doubt themselves...they're kind of insecure (especially Mark when put on the spot)

-Both have really good hygiene, I know we poke fun at Mark for being the type of guy to wash his face and ass with the same rag, but come on, look at how clean they are...they actually both have really good sense in fashion and clothes (whether they try that is)

-Both tend to keep to themselves, quite introverted, unless they have to talk to their teams or do something for work...

-Mark spends a lot of time with friends/the metal maniacs, but has a very low social battery

-Kurt spends time with the Teku or in clubs with other racers and people he knows, but again would rather be by himself. I'd like to say he's a social butterfly, but just naturally, not by choice

-Neither one likes to look stupid or be wrong

-Both are very crafty and hands-on, Mark more so than Kurt, but they are both very creative...it's a good outlet for them

-

-Kurt's at least 6-8 years older than Mark, he called Mark his "kid" brother...I feel like 10 years or more apart would be too much, and 5 years apart would be too close

-But Mark's taller than Kurt by a few inches and holds it over his head

-

-Both can actually sing quite well. Kurt's a little flat here and there, but has a very soothing voice. Definitely a baritone, but also an alto

-Mark is the better of the two, but hates singing in front of others, was caught one time and totally turned beat red...he can sing lullabys like a god and his accent shows through every time

-

-To go off of the accents, they most definitely were raised separately by different parents at times. Kurt somewhere in California or on the west coast, while Mark was stuck in New York or Boston areas

-Explains why they aren't very close and have different accents and mannerisms. But they did try for the longest time to stay close, until it got to be too much...Mark definitely missed Kurt, and looked up to his older brother

-

-Both are softies deep down, very good with kids and pets/animals

-

-Mark sometimes fakes having a really low gravelly voice, it works for his badboy-I don't give a shit-vibe...but he does get kind of high pitched when pressured or scared or self-conscious

-

-Kurt is a really good cook and knows quite a few recipes; Loves fancy restaurants and is a health food fanatic...had a red wine stash

-Mark is the opposite and can't cook to save his life, he has tried though, and somehow set the microwave on fire...lives off of pizza joints and bachelor-like prepped meals

-

-They would both make terrific dad's

-I also feel like they would be good to either a baby girl or boy, but just something about them raising a baby girl would make them ecstatic...they just give off girl-dad vibes

-I feel like Mark would be better at taking care of kids because he still acts like a kid sometimes, and kids like him more, for what reason no one really knows

-

-Kurt can actually dance, like almost any style...a beautiful ballroom dancer

-Mark can not dance, but will do his best, he doesn't care if he embarrasses himself as long as other people/friends are getting second hand embarrassment from him

-

-In a relationship they'd both be very protective and supportive, they hate seeing their SO upset or hurt...loving and affectionate in almost every way, but sometimes don't show it because they don't want to be overbearing

-Kurt uses nicknames/pet names like; baby, darling, love, beautiful, something unique to his SO

-Think of Tramp from "Lady and the Tramp"

-Mark uses nicknames/pet names like; babe, baby cakes, doll, sweetcheeks, sweetheart, cutie, love, a unique joke for his SO

-Think of "Thomas O'Malley" from the Aristocats

-

-Mark would grow a beard at some point

-Kurt would try to grow a beard or mustache, and then immediately shave it off, Markie would definitely laugh at him...Kurt just can't pull off facial hair, maybe stubble but he hates it

-

-Both get nightmares quite frequently thanks to Gelorum, Mark more so than Kurt though

-Kurt hates needles

-Mark gets phantom pains every now and then where his left arm should be

-

-Kurt's a Leo

-Mark's either an Aries or Sagittarius

-

-Mark found a part of SpineBuster that was left over and made a bracelet and necklace out of it, still upset that his favorite car is gone...he put a lot of work into that thing

-He also cuts up his shirts a lot to show off his tattoos, or at least the one side for the metal arm cause otherwise it's kinda uncomfortable

-

-Kurt's an early 2000's club music man...Pitbull, Flo Rida, LMFAO, just something with a lot of bass and talking about pretty/hot women

-Mark's more rock/heavy metal, but has a type of nostalgia or special place in his heart for Linkin Park, FFDP, and Papa Roach

-

-Kurt's a suit and tie kind of guy, or matching track suit. He feels like he always has to look presentable, or like a professional in his element. If home by himself, or with a SO he'll lay back a bit and wear a white T-shirt and jeans or sweatpants

-Mark's in boots and jeans all the time, he sees no point in dressing up (unless you count an excessive amount of belts and gloves "dressed up"). But if a situation calls for it he'll wear a nice pair of pants and dress shirt or try to show up Kurt

-

-Both have put on eyeliner at some point, whether as a dare or joke, or just cause they wanted to see if they could look like Bucky Barnes or Killian Jones at 3am...they just look like they crawled out of an emo cover band

-Both agree no one else can know, this dies with them...someone definitely got a picture though, but they don't know that

-

[dressed-for-revenge]

The issue with Ashley Leechin and why Swifties are handling it poorly.

I want to make it clear that I believe what Ashley is doing is wrong on so many levels.

Yes, celebrity impersonators exist. To my knowledge, they don’t change everything about themselves to resemble the celebrity. When I say “everything” I mean personality, mannerisms, likes/dislikes, etc. Celebrity impersonation is totally okay as a job/side gig! This isn’t what Ashley is doing.

She can argue all she wants that this is a “small part of her life, but her videos give everyone the impression that she has made her entire life revolve around Taylor.

She dresses like Taylor. She talks like Taylor. She walks like Taylor. She has the same mannerisms as Taylor. She got a cat that looks alarmingly like Taylor’s and named it after a Grey’s Anatomy character like Taylor.

There is video evidence of a completely different version of Ashley from just three years ago. There is video evidence of Ashley saying she’s not a fan of Taylor from around the same time. Only three years ago!

Now she’s saying she’s always been a huge fan. She’s always acted like this. She claims people have told her since she was 13 (coincidentally Taylor’s favorite number) when Taylor’s debut album hadn’t even been released yet!

It’s the gaslighting that truly disturbs me.

The mall situation was tone deaf and quite frankly cruel. Personally, I would’ve known it wasn’t Taylor because I’m such a huge fan and those men did not look like true security guards. I may have done a double take but I wouldn’t expect to see Taylor in a mall. But there were people who obviously thought it was Taylor. Can you imagine being a little girl and thinking you just saw Taylor Swift? Then you realize it’s a woman who is purposely trying to trick people into thinking she’s Taylor Swift for a “social experiment.” I would’ve been so upset.

Shame on the YouTuber who thought of the prank, and shame on Ashley for participating.

It is especially upsetting given the recent problems Taylor has faced with hundreds of “fans” showing up at inappropriate times.

Ashley argued that many celebrities have hired impersonators to throw off paparazzi and fans. This is true, however Taylor did not hire her. Taylor has never hired anyone to do this.

Now, Swifties… sending death threats and truly nasty messages to someone is never the answer. Who are casual fans and outsiders more likely to believe — the girl getting the death threats or the ones giving the death threats?

Either stop giving her attention or calmly explain why what she’s doing seems scary to those looking in. That’s what her behavior is to a lot of people, scary. Say “dressing up like Taylor Swift to trick people is really mean and messed up” or “why are you claiming to have always been a fan when you said in the past you didn’t like her at all or know what Speak Now was?” or “your behavior is very scary and upsetting” instead of “you’re ugly you don’t look like her” or “kys,” etc. By being SO aggressive, you’re making it worse.

If we are calm and collected with facts, other people may start to see the problem and stop giving her the attention she clearly wants. Hell, maybe she’ll see why people are so upset.

She has 1.6 million followers on TikTok which is disturbing in itself.

Fans stalk celebrities. Fans kill celebrities.

As a massive fan of The Beatles, I can’t help but think of John Lennon when I see people like Ashley who are obsessed to the extreme. Or when fans share Taylor’s location on the internet.

Fans used to gather outside John’s building and he often stopped to talk to them and sign autographs. He stopped and signed an autograph for a fan as he was leaving his building the night he was murdered. When John returned home, that same fan shot him before he could even get into the building. John Lennon was 40 years old. He could be a giant asshole, but he didn’t deserve to die. The world was robbed of a bright light and a creative force that would have continued putting art out into the world for his millions of fans had he not been taken by a deranged fan who knew where he was. I firmly believe that The Beatles would have had a reunion at some point, but we’ll never know. John never got to make things right with his son, Julian. He never got to see his other son, Sean, grow up. So yeah, I think about John Lennon.

There are other celebrities that were killed by fans too. Most notably Selena and Christina Grimmie.

My point is, this is why people are concerned. This is why we should be concerned. We need to take a different approach and we need to stop giving her so much attention.

(And stop showing up where Taylor is if it’s not an event!)

[compassionatereminders]

vent about my mothers ocd and anger issues

okay so my moms ocd and anger issues are causing huge problems in my family and its really bothering me. Like she will not take respondibility for her rituals when its clearly hurting people around her and she wants us all to do things her way, and if we do it our way or if we make any mistakes or we are not going fast enough like she does she gets Extremely angry at us and Extremely petty and says how we are incompetent and useless and acts like we are the worst people alive for making tiny mistakes.

and if any of us say How we feel about it she just goes "well do it right the first time and i wont get mad" she also hates when any of us show feelings and does not care whatsoever about it and is very emotionally distant towards everyone.

It also Bothers me that she picks fights with my dad a lot when all hes trying to do is Help her,

for example he tried to help by making dinner because she was saying she had a lot to do and she got Angry at him and was being really petty and giving him the silent treatment. He asked whats wrong and she said nothing and he kept trying to get her to talk to him because he doesnt know why she was angry at him and he wanted to know how he could make it better because she does not talk/communicate at all to him when shes angry and as soon as he went outside she started to rant about how he whines too much and how hes a little bitch.

It gets under my skin but if i say anything about her she'll get on me and go "oh i guess since im such a horrible person fuck you" or some variation of it and ill feel guilty as fuck because i never said that. All i want her to do is to actually talk to my dad and communicate and explain things to people and fucking have a conversation and get her anger issues/OCD under control bc it makes everyone miserable to have to hear fighting for teo weeks straight/have angry tension consistently and having everyone tiptoe around her when shes in a mood. Its a constant gussing game constantly with her and no one knows what she wants or what mood she'll be in and it affects everyone and im sick of it and if i had the money rn i would move out in a heartbeat.

Am i in the wrong for thinking any of this?

No, you're not in the wrong for being upset that your mom is taking her mental health issues out on you in this manner, especially if you can't even have a constructive conversation with her about what's happening and what to do about it. It's not her fault that she has OCD, but it's her responsibility to work on it. And if she isn't doing that, you're allowed to be upset. She's an adult and she shouldn't be acting like this no matter how mentally ill she is.

[manyothermusingsofmine]

Is A Friend In Deed || Drabble

Fandom: Ace Attorney       Wordcount: 3688 Warnings: A dead body is found, but there’s no details. Worry over a loved one gone missing. Idk about anything else, let me know. Summary: People are rushing and trying their very best to find a woman gone missing

----------------------------------------- The doors to the police station were honestly used to quite a bit of a beating. Often flung open by officers, detectives, and more likely distraught loved ones of victims, they were quite sturdy.  So when they were actually thrown open with enough force to slam into the nearby wall and tremble, someone must have been immensely upset.

And in his defense, Klavier was just that, as he stalked over to the front desk in a manner that betrayed just how upset he was.

Before the officer at the front desk even had a chance to ask what was wrong, Klavier went off in a worried frenzy about how they had to take his statement, how it was a matter of grave importance- in all honesty, it wasn’t the first time he had raised his voice around the place to try and get quicker results, but something was different about it this time; especially when he started barking that they better bring Detective Skye down from her post as she would at least heed his words and treat him seriously.

Another officer nearby decided to sneak away as his tirade went on. If he wanted Detective Skye to tell him the same thing the front desk officer had been trying to tell him ever since his outburst started, then so be it. She knocked on the detective’s door.

"Detective Skye?"

Ema groaned, looking up from her work with a certain amount of annoyance. Couldn't she see she was busy? But the officer that had knocked on her office door and disturbed her process seemed, well, pretty disturbed herself.

"Your, uhm, 'favorite' prosecutor is here and... He's honestly making quite a scene."

Yeah, that tracked. Ema let out a resigned sigh as she got up from her chair. What the hell did he want this time around?

"I'll deal with it."

She went down to the front desk where the glimmerous fop, as she called him, was indeed still making quite a ruckus to the poor sod manning the desk. She rolled her eyes slightly, used to his dramatics by now.

"Oi, fop, what's all this about then?"

"Ema!"

Ema? The stark difference of it made her eyebrows knit into a frown. He never called her by her actual name. It was always Fraulein, to her personal chagrin because at this point she felt like he was doing it on purpose to annoy her.

"Can you please tell Herr Front desk over here to just take my claim seriously?!"

"Woah, woah, I just got here! Can you at least tell me what's gotten into you this time before you start making demands?"

"Mary's missing."

Mary. Mary? Ema tilted her head slightly in thought, trying to match the name with a list of people and descriptions in her head. Oh, wait, that was one of the workers at the district court. Fire hair girl, her, and- Ah. Well, that explained a lot.

"And I told him what I tell everyone! I can't take such a claim for an adult unless they have been missing for 48 hours. She's an adult, she's allowed to leave if she wants to!”

"And I'm telling you, she wouldn't!" Klavier snapped in such a vicious manner that Ema immediately put herself between the two- it somehow felt like the desk wasn't protection enough and she didn't actually feel like arresting a prosecutor for assaulting an officer. Had she actually ever seen Klavier this upset?

"Stand down," she said, low and firm, holding her hands up in an attempt to deescalate the situation.

"What makes you think she's missing? Talk to me. No, ignore him," she said holding her hand back to the officer in a gesture meant to shut him up, while redirecting Klavier's attention back to herself.

"Talk to me, not him. What happened?"

"She didn't show up to work this morning; that's uncommon enough as is, but no one seemed to know where she was. She didn't have a day off, she didn't call in sick. I took some time myself to go the usual route she takes to work- I was worried she might have gotten in an accident or something."

Ema frowned, momentarily debating on what to do- her relationship with Klavier wasn't on a level where either of them was used to comforting the other, and she didn't really know what kind of comfort she could offer. She just gestured for him to continue.

"I got to her place, and it just got weirder. Her car was still parked in the usual spot. I went into her apartment, I have a key to the place, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Well, I mean, in a weird way; if she bailed country or something she would've at least taken her clothes, wallet, laptop and chargers with her, right?"

Ema nodded, since he had a point there; that did strike her as an odd turn of events.

"And then, I found the most condemning bit of evidence that makes me believe something else happened- That something is wrong."

Klavier moved his hand up to his shoulder, moving his hair out of the way to reveal a small European robin nestled up against his neck. A small peep left the bird, as if it wasn't keen on being out in the open all of a sudden. Klavier sighed, a very worried expression making its way onto his face.

"That's Grayson; her pet bird. She adores him. I'm pretty sure half her salary goes into his dietary needs and veterinarian bills because she specifically looked for someone specialized in aviary care. She would never, ever leave him unattended like this. So, believe me; something happened to her. I don't know where she is, Ema, I need your help. Please."

Ema blinked, unsure for a moment how to react to his plea as her brain was still processing what she had been told. But the second it clicked she just nodded. If throwing her weight around would help find someone who clearly had no reason to vanish on purpose, then so be it.

"I hope you've been writing that down," she said to the front desk officer.

"But a missing-"

"I'm not treating this as a simple went missing on her own accord. She was either in an accident, or worse, and I don't like the worse option especially not with an employee of the district court. Write it down and open the case."

"Yes, detective Skye."

 She looked back at Klavier, hoping to have at least relieved a little bit of his worries, though she wasn’t sure if she had accomplished that when she implied something worse could’ve happened to Mary

"Thank you," he whispered to her, as the gravity of the situation was clearly setting in.

"... You're welcome. Do me a favor; get back to the office. Leave this to me. I'll find her."

 She watched him leave, and immediately a sinking feeling washed over her. Well, time to make some calls.

For once in his life, he heeded her directions, and he actually went back to the district court. It hadn’t only been on her suggestion though, he figured the best course of action currently was to ask Simon how he was going to take care of Grayson while the bird’s owner was missing. Simon had Taka the hawk, so honestly, Simon was his best and only bet.

“Anything?” Simon asked as soon as Klavier walked in, surprised when a small carrier cage was set on his desk and opened. Grayson hopped out, looking around for a little bit, before fluttering off and sitting down on the perch next to Taka. Apparently the poor thing was looking for some comfort, too.

Simon had followed the flight of the little bird before turning back to Klavier, who just shook his head and started pacing around the room.

“What am I going to do, Simon? What if she’s out there, hurt-“

“You have to leave this to the police. They have more man power, more resources- I know it is hard, but you have got to let them do their job. That is the quickest way we will find her.”

Klavier just looked at him, huffing as he felt like he was barely keeping it together. Sure, Simon was technically right, but what use was he to Mary sitting here twiddling his thumbs until someone else found her?

He only partially picked up that Simon was on the phone with Nevada, trying to calm them down as the news of Mary’s disappearance had just reached them as well. Several people were upset, trying to calm down, all because nobody knew where she-

Klavier left Blackquills office without another word, angrily slamming the elevator button to the ground floor. He was storming out of the building as soon as the elevator brought him to that level, making a beeline for his motor bike while in a smooth move putting his helmet on.

He revved the engine up hard, before speeding off from the property. He ignored the incoming calls on the headset he wore underneath, letting all of them go to voicemail. He was well aware who was calling him, and he wasn’t interested in picking up because of it.

Sure, the police had more manpower, but he had a bike he could fit through the smallest openings of traffic. And the least he could do, in his own mind, was to check all the spots he and Mary went to together, and all the spots he knew she retreated to when she felt the need to.

“Incoming call from; Blackquill,” said the robotic voice of his headset.

“Decline.”

"Damn it, Gavin-san, pick up!" Simon yelled at his phone as he got connected to voicemail again. Nevada was beside themself- Simon really didn't have the ability to both comfort his partner and chase after Klavier who had clearly taken his own plan after learning about the disappearance. And worst of it all was that Simon couldn't even blame him- he'd probably do exactly the same had it been Nevada instead of Mary.

She had probably heard the discord of his heart when he had yelled at the phone, because Athena was just there, next to him all of a sudden.

"What's wrong?"

"Light-san is missing. Gavin-san is not taking it well in the slightest and sped off on his bike, and I can afford neither the time nor dedication to chase a rogue prosecutor all over town. My duty is to keep it together so that I can support Nevada, but we need someone to talk some sense into our resident trouble maker, could you-"

Athena laughed a nervous laugh.

"Oh, sorry, it's not funny, that's not- He's not going to listen to me either, Simon," she explained, when a lightbulb plinked up over her head.

"But I think I know someone who can give it a good old try."

If you had come across him on the road, you'd probably curse him out. Klavier was zigzagging between cars like a maniac, only barely paying attention to the speed limits- and then just because he couldn't afford wasting time explaining to an officer why his driving and turning was so damn erratic.

On a stretch of road that went straight ahead for a long time, he barely noticed that he kept picking up speed when a call came through on his headset. Incoming call- Apollo? Before he even realised it himself he agreed to accept the call, only to immediately be met with;

"Pull over."

"I'm a bit-"

"Pull over!"

Apollo's voice was loud and resounding enough that a few people stopped what they were doing to look at him, but his worry for a friend's wellbeing overwrote the usual anxiety he would feel about disturbing the peace like that. Still, his chords of steel seemed to reign it way back in as he quietly added "... Please."

 Klavier sighed, signalling for a moment that he wanted to get to the very edge of the road before pulling over there and stopping, pushing his bike all the way off the road and standing next to it.

He pulled off his helmet, switching the headset’s call to his phone with a simple button press and putting that to his ear. Might as well have the call like that so Apollo didn’t feel the need to yell at him again.

 "What?"

"Do you really think this is helping anybody? Driving around like a maniac in some attempt to find her?"

"I-"

"Klavier. It's not. You're not helping anyone, least of all her, if you get yourself killed on the road in a blind panic. Please, come back to the district court. Let the detectives do their job, and let us help you in whichever way we can."

"Apollo..."

"I know," Apollo said softly, trying to show empathy. It wasn't often that he heard Klavier's voice actually shake with fear like that; he fully understood that all of this was just a desperate plea for help from someone who didn’t know where a loved one was. He honestly, truly couldn’t blame him for that. He didn’t. He just didn’t want him to make any reckless decisions while in that state.

"Please, come back. And drive safe."

"..... Okay."

Klavier sighed as the call ended, leaning back against the bike in a desperate attempt to calm his racing heartbeat and blink the burning tears out of his eyes. He hated falling apart like this.

But, ultimately, Apollo was right. This wasn't helping anyone. Though he also doubted that being in the district court would give him anything useful to do.

Still, he put his helmet back on and got back on his bike, joining the traffic at an appropriate speed and behaving like one should on the open road. He just circled his way back around to the district court house.

Somehow or another, he found himself now being basically babysat by Blackquill. Figured the other prosecutor wouldn’t let him out of his sight again after the stunt he just pulled, and especially not after being chewed out for just leaving the robin there. In Simon’s defense, Grayson only seemed to have any interest in eating his food if Klavier was the one offering it up, but even caring for the pet of his lover did little to calm Klavier’s emotional state.

“Can you please give me something to do?!” Klavier eventually whined, being glad to do anything but listen to his own mind driving him mad.

It only made him end up with a but of paperwork, but hey, it was better than nothing.

 “So miss Light is missing?” Gumshoe asked, tapping the steering wheel as he and Ema drove around town. Ema just looked out of the passenger window before giving a small affirmative huff. What else was there to say about the matter? That Klavier wasn’t taking it well? That none of her friends seemed to be taking it well? That was hardly a surprising thing. “I just want to find her. Hopefully alive. My relationship with the fop may be strained at best, but I don’t actually want life to throw another wrench into his life; not like this.”

Gumshoe just nodded, understanding where she was coming from, and honestly being quite proud of her for being the way she was. They drove around town looking for anything that could be a sign of something awry. They got some food at a burger joint at some point, with Gumshoe basically inhaling the meal Ema bought for him before driving back around the town while she was still eating.

“Did you get any reports in of some kind of accident, Gumshoe?”

Gumshoe just shook his head.

“Nope. Some of the officers have been going around to ask the hospitals if anyone like Miss Light came in. No luck there either. It’s like she completely dropped off the earth since yesterday.”

“Well, she has to be somewhere.”

It was at that moment a call came in through Gumshoe’s radio. The station had gotten an emergency call about a fatal shooting happening down at the old abandoned factory, and was asking for the closest unit to go take a look at what happened down there.

“That’s outside of town, right?” Ema asked, and Gumshoe nodded. They were thinking the exact same thing; they had passed the route out of town only a few minutes ago, and the drive there would probably take no more than forty minutes. It was worth checking out.

Gumshoe picked up the radio, calling in that he would go take a look, and drove off as soon as he had set the radio speaker back in it’s holder.

The sky had already been turning gloomy with grey clouds when they had started their search for Mary in the earlier hours, but by this point there had been a pretty steady downpour going. After last night, it had only cleared up for a few hours in the morning before the rain had made it’s vicious return. As soon as they stepped outside of the car, both of them were pretty much soaked with rain. Other police cars had also started to show up, and Gumshoe’s stomach dropped when he realised one of the cars was the one of the forensic team.

It didn’t take Ema and him long to figure out why. In the middle of the sandy, but now muddy, field where the long abandoned factory stood was a dead body.

Ema was immediately intrigued and went over to check it out, while Gumshoe definitely had no desire to do so; just because he was a detective didn’t mean he did well with blood crime scenes. Surely he could ask Ema later what the cause of death was, and who they should ask to oversee and prosecute the case.

With the sheer amount of clouds in the sky the sun was pretty much blocked out, and the rain also didn’t help much when it came to seeing what was happening around him. Gumshoe took out his flashlight, clicking it on and started wandering around the premise of the factory in the hopes of finding anything that the rain hadn’t washed away yet.

Someone had opened the door to the factory, that much was for sure. Rain and dust had mixed in patterns near the front door, and there were definitely handprints in the dust on the door.

Taking a small breath, Gumshoe shone his flashlight into the dark, abandoned factory. Well, nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary there. There was a bunch of old rusty looking machinery, long tile floors that hadn’t been cleaned in a while, someone’s foot, absolutely nothing out of the-

Wait. Someone’s foot?

Gumshoe immediately pointed his flashlight back in that direction. Yup, there was no doubt about it, that was someone’s foot being illuminated by the light in the darkness. Directing it forwards he saw their silhouette, and for just a moment he froze in shock.

Was that- oh, god, it was-

"Hey, pal!" He yelled towards Ema, "I think I found who we were looking for!"

 Hours had passed like until the hues of the sky started to change from blue to orange as the sun began to dip behind the clouds. As far as he was concerned; Simon hadn't minded Klavier's pacing around his office for all that time. Honestly, he had rather the German was pacing around in his office, where Simon could keep an eye on him, than off doing lord knows what to try and find Mary.

When Klavier's phone finally rang, he leaped from the chair at Simon's desk where he had been sitting since the pacing had tired him out. He almost dropped the phone, and then watched it ring for a few moments before reaching it out to Simon in a nonverbal plea.

Simon just gave a soft, understanding huff, holding out his hand and answering the call as soon as the phone was dropped in his open palm.

"Gavin-san's phone, this is Blackquill speaking."

“This is Ema; Uhm, would you mind putting me on speakerphone?”

Simon obliged, turning the phone to speaker and putting it down on the desk as Klavier made his way around and sat down on the chair. He seriously thought his heart was going to leap out of his chest in pure anxiety.

“So, uh, I have good news and I have bad news, what do you want to hear first?”

“The good news,” Klavier huffed, not reassured in the slightest by how the conversation was going.

“Well,” Ema started, actually rather unsure as to how to break this to the two people on the other side of the phone line.

“The good news is that we found Ms Light.”

Klavier let out the biggest sigh of relief he ever felt in his life, falling back in his chair as a whole lot of anxiety dropped off his shoulders in one fell swoop. Simon, however, still had a certain amount of hesitation to his posture. That was the good news, sure, but stated in that way it often meant... well..

“And the bad news?”

“.... She’s-” Ema started, biting the inner part of her cheek. Oh, there was absolutely no easy way around this.

“Being taken in as... the prime suspect of a murder.”

She could hear the dead silence on the other end of the call, as Simon’s face dropped in pure shock. He felt his body jerk a little in surprise when a few moments later, after this bombshell bit of information had reached him, Klavier’s chair moved with a croak. His hands dropped from his face, arms on the speaker that he used as a make shift desk in front of him, his expression unreadable as it clearly took another moment to fully sink in.

And Simon swore the glass of the window pane actually trembled from the high, sharp pitch of the German’s voice when he finally replied to what Ema had said with

“... What?!”

[oracleact]

this is going to be a very personal ramble but I’m certain there’s people out there who will be able to relate in some way, regardless of how much I speak on my own behalf.

I just finished watching godzilla vs kong (2021) for the first time and I want to talk a bit about it from the perspective of a forever outcast.

“I’m homesick all the time...I just don’t know where home is.” [sarah addison allen]

by ‘forever outcast’ I mean as someone who has never felt truly whole in this world. and, as I grow older, I only continue to realise that I’ll never be able to feel a sense of desired wholeness. what I seek is not here with us, nor will it be within reach. I seek everything that is not humanity: the monstrous and their ways, harmony and delicacy in new shapes, to be kept away from the draining days I face simply existing amongst fellow humans.

“I am tired. these people make me feel I have a hole in the middle of me.” [d.h. lawrence]

being here like this isn’t meant for me and it gnaws at me every day unfortunately. it’s a strange type of limbo to be stuck in, especially as I understood and felt the depths of something missing around me/in my core at a very young age. I’ve been stuck with this feeling for about fifteen years now and it doesn’t get any better - like an itch I can’t scratch.

“inside me, all day, an emptiness that upsets me.” [albert camus]

in fiction however...that missing piece is created, multiplied and scattered everywhere. a fictional perfection can be shown right in front of me, right there just through a screen, I can reach out to it...although that’s what makes me the most emotional. it can be comforting at times but mostly it makes me sad. it’s a reminder that I can dream about a place I feel whole, but not hope for it. it’s a reminder that hope in this way is empty; that leaves the gap in my heart throbbing and somehow feeling deeper than it was previously.

“in the bottom of my soul, there’s an intense and invisible grief, a sadness like the sound of someone crying in a dark room.” [fernando pessoa]

I’ve always connected with kong in particular when it comes to seeing a version of my heart or life that is fulfilled. I’ve always dreamt of being by his side, to be warm and protected. I can be as quiet as I want to, I can be as gentle as I want to, with no blow backs in sight. I think it’s because of how close he is to us in mannerisms and expressions. he’s a beautiful creature to share a moment of understanding with.

more specifically with kong: I have dreamt of being in a world that is his. the safety of a giant king in a place that I am free to explore, to communicate with a being so vastly different to myself and create a strong bond - something special that only we have.

that place is hollow earth and that bond is what kong and jia have in the film. godzilla vs kong has given me a vivid fictional perfection that is just breathtaking and it has left me quite emotional. I can’t stop thinking about it because of how snug I fit in that space.

I want this so bad it aches. I wish I could punch a hole in the middle of the earth and disappear to a place where I can be free. I’m very tired and need to feel the love and care that I’ve forever craved for, and being in a vicious cycle of saying that and then remembering ‘oh yeah that can’t happen because the huge monster beings you seek to love and care for you don’t even exist’ damn man...that hurts.

people think it’s strange, people don’t understand why I have these emotions and desires so intensely and it’s hard to explain to them anyway as you can probably tell if you’ve managed to get to the end of this, but would I rather not have this gap in my chest? honestly, no. not really. it’s unique and has taught me a lot about humanity, life and love. I see the world I’m stuck in differently from others and that’s a gift I often appreciate - it doesn’t make the hurt any less prominent though.

the hurt comes in handy with film analysis all of the time - that’s always a positive. I’ve got a fresh eye for love and friendship in ‘unlikely’ pairings that some may not be able to explain or even pick up on and I’m always willing to dive into it. that’s the comforting part, that’s when my tears are more directed by the flow of passion rather than sadness.

embrace the way you love, think and dream. I know it may cause splinters to cover your heart every so often but trust me, embracing with tears in your eyes is so much better than running in the opposite direction with the same tears.

[pre1ude]

Muse speech patterns. by Memesomething.

do they use contractions and shortenings ("can't" but also "gonna"): More likely to say 'cannot' and 'going to' than shorten. Especially when emphasizing.

do they use multiple contractions (shouldn't've): Not a chance. 'Should not have'.

do they talk Around a point or do they talk To the point: If he isn't being short and blunt then he's stalling or being insincere. One of his tells. Not very obvious unless you know him well. Occasionally he'll talk in circles to ease himself into getting to a difficult point. Of the 'that is to say' variety. Most of the time, though, he's the type to acknowledge the obvious without preamble and address elephants. Politely, of course.

what is the 'feel' of the way they speak? does it feel ancient? does it feel refined? does it feel comfortable, gentle, warm? does it feel safe? (does it feel crass, dangerous, on the edge of danger?): In public: Classy, polite, a little stiff. Very clear and enunciated, understandable. Habitually uses a limited part of his vocabulary, lots of emphasis words/phrases like certainly, definitely, of course. 'Good-natured host' voice and manner of speech. In private around trusted company: Naturally refined without much effort. More casual yet richer, doesn't mince or think of which words to use.

how urgently do they speak, is it rapid? do they take their time to figure out what they want to say before they say it?: Sprawling pauses. He thinks before he speaks especially when his opinion is asked. Even when upset, stressed or mad his speech defaults to cracking pauses rather than rapidfire. Only gains verbal momentum when talking about his passions. Every other time? Even pace.

do they say things by mistake, do words sometimes come out of their mouth that shouldn't come out of their mouth?: No, more likely to stop talking altogether than blurt something out. The only slips happen with his power where he may put too much emphasis on words, to the point of supernaturally imbuing them.

do they include pronouns when they're not strictly necessary ('I'm going to to the shops do you want anything' vs 'Going to the shops, want anything?'): Yep. Habit. He just speaks that way.

do they have the jargon for a particular topic and if so do they use the jargon around the person they're talking to: Proper classical music terminology or death. He doesn't care, he'll explain thrice what a cantata is before he waters down his speech even a little.

colloquialisms? slang?: No. Has to be manually taught. Dude, pop culture slang?? Forget about it.

do they rely on the relatedness principle ("Is the news on?" / "It's six o'clock." and they rely on people assuming the answer is related to the question) or do they prefer to explicitly spell things out ("Is the news on?" / "Not yet, but it will be in another half an hour."): Explicit. Clear and understandable. Wouldn't like to repeat himself.

what are the words or turns of phrase they often use to change the subject or bring up something new ("Tell you what though-", "Although...", "On the other hand,", "Anyway-"): Just goes for it if there's a pause. Tends to let a topic run its course rather than interrupt, though, if conversation is actively continuing in that direction. Otherwise? 'Now-', 'Well,-', 'I wanted to mention-' and all such manner of pause-provoking words, for the sake of natural diversion. A little apologetic about it too.

do they mimic their speaking partner's linguistic traits at least a little i.e. if their partner says "fuck" are they more likely to say "fuck" themselves? or would they stick with whatever word they naturally use?: Swearing's not the best example because sometimes he'll go the length of correcting them for it. He does adapt up to a point. Can adjust his vocabulary around specific company, but uses his own speech patterns. He doesn't care if it's weird, it's how he speaks and it's the intended way besides.

does your muse swear?: Never in public, it's improper. Precedes rude terms with 'pardon but' in private.

does your muse use the words 'i promise' to make promises or do they just say something ("I love you.") or use another version of the words ("You have my word."): More severe. You have my word or I swear. Clear vows only.

do they say 'please' and 'thank you' to strangers? do they say it to their friends? loved ones? how do they say 'please' and how do they say 'thank you'?: Golden words: Please, thank you and I'm sorry. He uses them habitually, even when he probably shouldn't. Casual to friends, other more severe varieties like My apologies, My thanks, Forgive me/my-, Pardon, I beg-, etcetera to strangers or his mother.

how do they go about disagreeing with someone?: If it's a matter of subjective disagreement then kindly at first, rather roundabout. 'I wouldn't say-', 'I don't think-', 'I rather-', all personal and loose phrasing. If it's objective? A blunt but polite no. Depends on if the person can be disagreed with. Oftentimes he won't even bother if it's clear there's no leeway for a conversation, just an argument. Might just sigh and leave.

Tagged by: Just found it.

Tagging: Just Do It.

[spiltcandycoatedpunkblood]

R.e. your most recent post about the Tintin series....

As much as I sympathise and want to just give you a huge hug, pain like that can be good (not always, since that's all too often used to justify abuse, but sometimes). It might help you to try and take a step back and think about why you feel that way.

To use the 2011 film as an allegory, it seems (to me at least) like you're in a situation akin that moment in the final confrontation between Haddock and Saccharine where he's threatening to burn the notes and telling Haddock to just give up and start drinking again. As shitty an experience as being hurt by something/someone you love is, it says a lot about you as a person that you feel deeply enough about something to be affected by it in that way.

But that's just my tuppence worth. Sending you hugs and comforting thoughts.

I know. But like the film, it feels like a curse and me and my family have dealt with that mental health kind of stuff. It's nice to feel so deeply about something that I care about, but I can't deny that I feel so much to the point of physical pain. Like I can't breathe. It made me an easier target for bullies at school which then they made me feel terrible for being upset so easily. I had an ex be very guilty of doing that to me as well.

I do think this film represents a lot of my life, and it's hard not to point to it when I get so emotional. It was released during a pivotal time in my life, and not in the good sense, and when watching it over lockdown, it just made so much sense to me.

The dynamics can hit too close to home. Of course they can't address deeper emotions in detail, since they went off the more chaotic and adventurous and fast-paced aspect of Tintin's adventures since he literally gets thrown into these perilous and dangerous situations, often down to his curiosity taking over far too easily.

But I still read it in an emotional sense. There's too much injustice in this world, especially with the way I've dived into true crime cases that remained untouched and unsolved purely often because of corruption, prejudice and power. And seeing that on screen, with the insane conflict in my head with the sometimes not so unreasonable allure of the villain Sakharine, it was just the main example of what he did and the heavy implications of just exactly how him and the mutinous crew abused Haddock when we didn't see it. It didn't help that I was treated badly in two different regards by older men, of which some traits were reflected in Sakharine. Being taken advantage of has left me conflicted and undeniably passionate, however much I want to be (especially as someone with undiagnosed ADHD and autism), about seeing the terrible treatment of others, and the fact that I obsess over that harbour scene near the end of the film is a very good example of that.

It's just too much to deal with, even if done in such an excellent manner. I don't want to feel this tremendously upset, even if I know that it's good that I feel very deeply about the injustices I've read up on and become very aware of in the world. It just sucks that Tintin is something I'm very attached to, and yet renders me an overemotional mess because of what it presents and how it does that that I become unhealthily avoidant in the process. I don't need this conflict, I don't need this painful as fuck emotion that I've experienced pretty much my whole life that I've been abused for. It feels like a curse, and I want to scream. Things aren't cut and dried, but I still wish differently. It's just...how do you explain this to people???

I do understand where you're coming from. I guess in a way it's interesting that that is resolved is by Tintin coming in and saving him, but that shouldn't be expected in real life, even though that's how I shamefully feel daily. Even though I wish, in my mind, that didn't happen either, because I'm far too invested with the villain to even want that, and that is another overwhelming conflict and emotion that I don't need either.

Pain isn't always for a good reason, and I just don't want to feel like it is. I'm tired, and sometimes pain is just pain, and I hate feeling constantly overwhelmed even with a good thing in my life that reminds me that these people have existed, do exist, and will continue to exist until the end of time itself.