#he told dean someday he would have to kill his own little brother

[lakemichigans]

i haven’t been following any news about the supernatural prequel but i’m not going to watch it because i know they’ll be sucking john’s cock, balls and all as if we didn’t get enough of that in the show already

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

Miss Americana (Part 3)

Summary: The reader recovers from her second dose of Compound V and explores her stronger abilities with Dean. But the events of a fun night out might give Miss Americana and Soldier Boy an unlikely ally...

Masterlist

Pairing: Soldier Boy!Dean x reader

Word Count: 1,900ish

Warnings: language, implied past torture/assault/killings

A/N: Enjoy this final part! This contains very minor spoilers for The Boys...

______

“Let me hide this stuff and I’ll be back in five, okay?” he asked. You nodded, Dean cupping your cheek before he was gone. It was barely a minute before he was returning, wearing sweats and a henley, a box under his arm. “Brownies from the bakery down the block.”

“I thought you liked pie.”

“I do. But you like brownies,” he said. “Something to look forward to after you spend the night shaking and sweating.”

“Lovely,” you said. He sat down beside you, urging you to lean into him. He tucked a blanket over your legs, watching the fire crackle. “I don’t think I mind if you’re a monster.”

“I can be pretty horrible.”

“You’re not horrible to me. You’ve never been that way. Even if your first instinct was to try to manipulate me you decided not to.”

“I hate most people. Think they’re worthless. Only care about myself.”

“So? I told you when we met...I’m the nice bad guy. I frankly don’t give a fuck anymore about being the pushover, the one that gets hurt. I just want to never be afraid again.”

“We never have to be afraid after tonight. Never,” he said. “You’ll be stronger than Homelander. Stronger than me. You’ll be safe.”

“For a bad guy, you were awfully nice giving me that dose with no strings attached.”

“There’s no strings,” he said. He stroked your arm when you shivered. 

“Partners?” you asked. He leaned down, kissing you more gently than he ever had. No need behind it.

“I like partners,” he said. He was warm as you started to feel cool, Dean drawing shapes on your bare skin. “I had a little brother.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“He got sick right after I shipped out. Died the morning I got my first dose of Compound V. Only reason I volunteered for the shot. They said volunteers got special benefits. I wanted my brother to get to a good hospital and proper care and he was already dead by the time I got my shot. Then uh, then some of us started dying cause they didn’t know dosages or shit. I thought at least Sam’s gonna be okay. Then I spent three days wishing it would kill me so I could be with him instead of having been away for the last year of his life. But I didn’t die. I was the only one. Then they gave me more and...I guess I enjoyed becoming the super soldier over grieving. Then it goes to your head and changes you and...Sammy wouldn’t even recognize me now. At least I know I’m not going to the same place he wound up so he won’t have to see.”

“What was that like, being honest just now,” you asked, goosebumps covering your skin. You bundled into him more, Dean pulling up the blanket.

“I miss Sammy. I haven’t thought about him in years. I hope the kid’s happy wherever he is.”

“Maybe you’ll see him again someday,” you said. You shook, sweat forming all over you, muscles aching. You turned, unable to get comfortable. “How long does this last?”

“About six hours. Then I passed out and when I woke up it was over.”

“Awesome.” You gripped the blanket tight, Dean massaging your tense shoulders. “Tell me more about Sammy. Please.”

“He absolutely hated being called Samuel,” said Dean with a chuckle. “So naturally I did it all the time when we were kids.”

“Keep going,” you said, stomach churning briefly. “Distract me.”

“Let me tell you about the time we jumped off the shed roof.”

You were in sweaty clothes when you woke, lifting your head off Dean’s chest to find him passed out and snoring lightly. You sat up, shaking out your head. Something was different. You stood, deciding to test out flying first. You yelped when you nearly hit the ceiling, freezing and plopping straight down onto the couch and Dean.

He groaned awake, peeling open his eyes to find you hovering above him.

“Sweetheart I’m all for a little rough in the bedroom but not a full body tackle awake,” he said. You moved to the side, the motion second nature quickly but it required much less effort than before. You looked around, nothing in the room heavy enough to test your strength. Dean sat up, smirking as he looked at you. “Wanna arm wrestle?”

“Yes!” you said, Dean chuckling, groggily taking a seat at the counter. You stood on the other side of the island, Dean clasping your hand.

“Let’s go,” he said. You squeezed, Dean keeping up with you for a good few seconds before he started to go down fast. You heard the counter creek and then it was breaking, Dean backing up. 

“Uh,” you said. 

“Don’t worry about it. What do you expect when you got supes in the place? But you, you’re stronger. Stronger than me,” he said. “How do you feel?”

“Good. Very good. I um, I’d like to go fly. I think I might be faster.”

“Go for it. I’ll call someone to get this fixed. Just be careful. Try not to fly into any planes.”

“I’ll do my best, Soldier Boy.”

“Again?” asked Dean that night. You flew up high and smiled, Dean letting go of you, free falling a few seconds before you dove down and caught him. He giggled and you flew higher, Dean jumping off. You could heard him laughing and went down, something hitting you on the way. You threw a punch and arms released you, Dean holding on tight when you finally caught up with him. You both looked up and glared, a cape and pair of red eyes looking down. “You do realize the fall won’t kill me.”

“Probably not. But it’d be fun to try,” said Homelander. He floated down to your level, your arm tight around Dean’s waist. “Oh relax. I won’t touch your boy toy again.”

“I thought I said to stay the fuck away from us,” you growled.

“I just thought you’d like to know that Soldier Boy’s internal file will be released to the major news outlets tomorrow. Did you know-”

You grabbed his neck with your free hand, squeezing hard, Homelander pawing at your wrist.

“Any good reasons why I shouldn’t kill him?” you asked Dean.

“None come to mind,” said Dean, Homelander’s eyes red but fading as he choked for air.

“Feel free to speak up,” you said, gripping his neck even tighter. 

“Stop,” said a voice, the three of you turning towards a small drone hovering close by. “Let him go.”

“He tried to kill Soldier Boy,” you said, holding on tight. You didn’t even see the drone shoot out the darts, the three of you hit. You instantly dropped Homelander, flying down to the roof of Vought as soon as you could, Dean out cold already and you quickly joining him.

You woke up on the couch in Edgar’s office, no sign of Dean or Homelander. Everything felt off still as you sat up, Mr. Edgar suddenly sitting on the edge of the coffee table.

“Are you alright?”

“No,” you groaned, stretching out. “What the hell was that?”

“If you’re going to act like children, we’ll treat you like them.”

“Dean and I were having fun, minding our own business-”

“Dean and you stole Compound V for your own benefit. I thought you were going to be more understanding of this arrangement.”

“I have to be stronger than Homelander and now I am. We didn’t hurt anybody to get it. You people let him do whatever the fuck he wanted so get off your high horse.”

“We understand. But you can’t kill him.”

“Why the fuck not.”

“He brings value in, even not as part of the Seven. Miss Americana and Soldier Boy can take over the leadership roles and Homelander is to be left alone.”

“He wants to kill-”

“I said to leave it be.” You stood, glaring down at him. “If an incident like this occurs again, there will be consequences. Dismissed.”

“Gonna throw us back in a hole? That’s kinda your thing isn’t it.”

“We know how to deal with problem children, even supe ones,” he said, standing up. “Back off before all three of you are worth more dead than alive. Don’t make me dismiss you again.”

You stormed out, slamming the door after you, not bothering to look back when you heard the wood splinter. You went straight to Dean’s apartment, Dean unscathed inside. But Homelander standing there, neither of them actively trying to kill the other, that was more than enough to forget your anger for the moment.

“You okay?” asked Dean, stepping over to grab your hand. You hummed, looking Homelander up and down. “You got the same message we did I’m guessing.”

“Behave or we’re all fucked. Yeah. Why the hell is he here?”

“We were spoken to at the same time. While he’s still a psycho and has some major fucked up issues, he has a different idea,” said Dean. 

“Said the mass murderer.” Homelander rolled his eyes. “We all want to be in charge of the Seven. Be the best.”

“You shoved your hand down my pants,” you growled.

“True. But enemies can work together when they have a larger, common enemy, hm?”

“Edgar,” said Dean. “He wants to wipe out Edgar. Ashley is the next logical choice and we can control her. She wouldn’t do jack shit to us.”

“Remove Edgar from the equation and we can all get along. Maybe form a little, trio, best of the best. Still part of the Seven but top dogs. Vought would eat that shit up. Behind the scenes you two fuck or whatever it is you do. Publicly, we’re the strongest go America team there ever was. The soldier from a simpler time, the soldier who fought the terrorists and defend her country, and the everyday man who protects his fellow citizens. All walks of life, all the basis covered. Between the three of us our numbers are sky high in every single demographic.”

“What’s to stop us from killing each other after Edgar is out of the picture,” you said.

“You’re strong enough to kill me. But your little boyfriend can’t fly. You come after me, I’ll drop him in the ocean. Leave me alone, I leave you two alone and we all win,” said Homelander. “Deal?”

“What do you think?” you asked Dean. 

“Lesser of two evils. I think,” said Dean. “I say we give it a chance to see if we can get Edgar out.”

“Fine. We can discuss this more tomorrow. Oh and Homelander. I ever catch you in my or Dean’s apartment again, I’ll snap your neck. Deal or no deal.”

“If you were only a little more twisted we could have had something,” he said. He nodded and left, Dean letting out a deep breath when he was gone. 

“Y/N,” said Dean. You hummed, wrapping your arms around him. “Thanks. For catching me earlier.”

“I’m sure you would have been fine.”

“Probably but I don’t want to test that theory out. If he dropped me in the ocean...I still need to breathe. We have to play nice.”

“We will. Until we don’t have to,” you said. He smirked, kissing your lips. “He tried to kill you. Now I hate him even more. As soon as we can, he’s gone.”

“That’s my girl,” he grinned.

“Yes I am and you, you’re my Soldier Boy. We’re going to own this place, very, very soon.”

“Damn straight we are sweetheart. Just a little bit longer and then we can do whatever we want to. Promise.”

_________

[mittensmorgul]

it’s a bummer to see you can’t enjoy the ending. I hope someday you can come around it it. It wasn’t perfect but it didn’t nuke its integrity. i think the heart of the show really shines through and it’s a shame that it’s not being appreciated bc there’s so much shipping drama 😣

Hi there!

I... first of, I really need people to understand this... the travesty of the finale for me has almost nothing to do with “shipping drama.”

Yes, I see the wild conspiracy theories flying around, and I’m honestly concerned for some of those folks and hope they can find a way to make peace with this in whatever way they can, because we aren’t likely to ever get a better answer than that this is legitimately the ending that Dabb thought was best, despite years of us seeing the best of his writing choices and guiding Sam, Dean, and Cas to grow past the roles that Chuck would’ve forced them to fulfill, and that at the end it fell flat because he couldn’t actually come up with a better ending than “this was always their destiny, free will is a lie, and these characters had nothing outside of the revenge quest they’d been raised for since birth and manipulated into over and over for the entertainment of a vengeful god.”

I can see how “surface level” viewers would feel that this one basic narrative point was satisfying, that Sam and Dean had grown beyond their own hopeless cycle of self-sacrifice that had driven the narrative for so many years. The fact that they both acknowledged that they should allow their stories to end in that way was satisfying... but only in the shallowest and most detached read of the narrative. Like, is this really the ONLY thing these two characters learned in the last 15 years? If so, that is BEYOND depressing af.

And even THAT message lost all narrative weight when the two of them were once again reunited in death, as if nothing else had ever mattered in their lives. As if neither of them had ever outgrown the codependency that had driven so many of those previous self-sacrifices and refusals to let go of each other even in death.

So yeah, in the absolute most basic sense, I suppose I can see how casual viewers or people who aren’t actually invested in these characters could find that at least narratively coming back to a starting point.

But narratives don’t actually work that way, and that’s not the point of watching fifteen years of story develop in between.

This story wasn’t JUST about Sam and Dean needing to accept that death might be okay actually.

This story was also about free will, fighting for humanity as a whole but also their OWN humanity and self-identities. In Dean’s case, the absolutely transformative growth from feeling like nothing but a hammer, a killer, a tool to be used. And then less than an episode and a half later, after finally accepting that truth into his heart and using it to defeat the original creator and reclaim the story of his own life for himself... he gets pied in the face after flippantly talking about his destiny and having no choice, and then three scenes later he literally dies impaled on a great big nail... like a hammer...

So I would kindly ask folks who feel satisfied by that shallowest possible takeaway of this episode, and maybe invite folks to look just under that surface. Try to understand why loads of us will NEVER feel satisfied with this ending, and why it truly does feel like the most hopeless version of the story. Like even in defeating Chuck, they could never be allowed to own their own stories and what happened to them after that point was just a twisted version of the “destiny” that drove Chuck’s entire plotline for them anyway.

Please understand where we’re seeing this as horrifically painful irony rather than some beautiful circular narrative about letting go.

For a lot of us, the shipping stuff would’ve been the cherry on top of the sundae. We would’ve been happy with a scoop of plain vanilla, though. We would’ve been happy for anything that honored the journey to freedom, and the choice at any sort of a different life of their own making than literally falling back on a nail fighting off one of John’s unresolved hunts and a vampire who had literally never been named in canon before, yet who Dean instantly recognized somehow... 

but sure, for those of us who felt that “the heart of the show” was all the stuff that the finale actually erased-- that “family don’t end in blood,” and that this was actually not a show about just two brothers but the love of their found family and coming to terms with the choices they actually HAD made for themselves versus the narrative that Chuck kept centering them in DESPITE what they would choose for themselves, the finale basically told us no, everything you ever found of value in this story actually meant nothing. It told us that Chuck’s story for them was their only truth in the end, and their only freedom was to be found in death.

Please, I am begging people, stop trying to gaslight us that this was some beautiful ending. Maybe think for a second that “your read” of the narrative that allows you to find peace with the ending is not what we saw and loved about this story for the 326 episodes leading up to this finale.

And please try to understand that we were not wrong to see the entire narrative through this lens. Because we were literally validated IN CANON, and told that we understood the depth of the story and the characters just fine, actually. There’s literally ONE episode of the entire series that burns it all down in a bewildering pile of wtf. And that’s #327. That throws that entire read out the window to well actually us all back into Chuck’s literal ending... This was literally the ending Chuck wanted to force them to enact for him, and it’s what ended up happening even after they defeated him-- the ultimate Big Bad of the entire series should’ve been defeated, but instead he pulled off one final victory over the entire story.

Becky: No. You can't-- Chuck: I did. Becky: Y- This is just an ending. Chuck: Yeah. I don't know how I'm gonna get there, but I know where I'm goin'. Becky: B-But it's so... dark. Chuck: But great, right? I can see it now -- "Supernatural: The End". And the cover is just a gravestone that says "Winchester". The fans are gonna love it. Well? Becky: It's awful! Horrible. It's hopeless. You can't do this to the fans. What you did to Dean? What you did to Sam? Chuck: There, see? It's making you feel something. That's good, right?

and

Dean: Well, what now? You're not gonna dust us. Chuck: Oh, yeah? Why not? Dean: Because you're holding out. For your big finish. Yeah, we know about your galaxy-brained idea, how you think this story is gonna go. Sam got a little look into your draft folder. Chuck: Sam's visions -- they weren't drafts. They were memories. My memories. Other Sams and other Deans in other worlds. But guess what. Just like you, they didn't think they'd do it, either. But they did. And you will, too. Dean: No. Not this Sam. And not this Dean. So you go back to Earth 2 and play with your other toys. Because we will never give you the ending that you want. Chuck: We'll see.

And even in DEFEAT Chuck thought he understood these characters, thought that having rendered him powerless they would finally take their revenge and kill him, but they didn’t, because he never actually understood these characters at all. And the story he tried to force them into from day one was never about THEM, it was about HIM. 

And then Dean gets like two whole days of freedom and choice and is apparently incapable of making any of the choices that don’t throw him immediately back into Chuck’s favorite story. Like none of that resolution in the previous episode meant anything at all. He even SAYS it in the finale:

Dean: Yeah, no. I think about 'em, too. You know what? That pain's not gonna go away. Right? But if we don't keep living, then all that sacrifice is gonna be for nothing.

And then two scenes later the show gives us the Nelson Muntz HA HA and Dean is no longer living, and Sam is left to carry on as a shell of himself and wander off into Blurry Wife Land to devote any even remotely content moment of the rest of his years to raising a  Replacement Dean to fill the void, and is never able to pick up the pen to write anything better of his own life than Chuck would’ve dealt him in the first place.

So I’m glad that top-layer takeaway is sustaining and enough for you. It wasn’t, and will never be enough for the rest of us.

What was actually real in all of this? We were.

Until we weren’t.

And that’s honestly a shit message to be pushing on people in the wake of it all. So please stop.

I should actually thank you for the kind intent with which your message is phrased, but that doesn’t make it feel less hilariously awful. Though I chose this one to reply to as the least insulting of all the messages currently in my inbox on this subject. So thanks for that, at least.

[amwritingmeta]

You don't think killing Dean the way they did was contradicting to his character arc and development?

Hello, lovely!

As the initial shock of watching Dean die is wearing off more with each passing day, I can tell you that no, I don’t think that killing Dean the way they did was contradicting to his character arc and development. 

Let me explain.

And let me be clear, I’m basing this on my hopes and wishes for the narrative, for Dean, and they, in turn, sprung up from my reading of the narrative. 

My reading has always, as all meta readings are, been wholly subjective, though I’ve striven to be objective, trying to base my reading in my understanding of narrative structure and possible production choices as much as possible. The initial shock after the finale came from how the delivery of Dean’s endgame stepped outside of what I wanted and had grown to expect in those weeks leading up to it, due to 15x18 and queer love suddenly being a stated part of the narrative. 

Letting go of the idea of a long and happy life for Dean with Cas as a human on Earth, because that was simply the framework my brain invented to give them a happily ever after, I’d like to take a look at some of the other hopes and wishes I’ve had for Dean, in no particular order:

Dismantling the toxic masculinity ideal

Non-performance

Open communication and honesty

Self-acceptance leading to self-worth leading to self-actualisation 

Integration

Clear sense of identity

Learning to let go of need for control

Learning to trust

Feeling deserving of happiness and embracing it

Ending the codependency 

Teamwork and sharing responsibility/not feeling it’s all on him

Admitting to himself that what he longs for is to love and be loved

Believing in deserving to have a future

The world balanced out (no more firewall)

Putting the past to rest

Letting go of Protect Sammy as predominant purpose

Letting go of fear

No more Butch and Sundance/blaze of glory ending

Now, the more I think about all of these things in relation to S15 in general and the final three episodes in particular, the more those finale three episodes make me feel nothing short of delight for our characters. (sorry but it’s true) (I feel the distress of our family and it’s just horrifying but oh I do feel we need to take a breath together and calm down)

Here’s what I see. And what I see may come off as dismissive of people’s frustration and anger and disgust with the finale, but it’s not meant to be. I’ve always read this narrative how I described above, knowing that it’s impossible not to be subjective, but striving for objectivity.

Striving for objectivity by looking at what’s come before, the threads I’ve seen them pulling on, the overarching themes that have been consistent for fifteen years, the character traits that have been explored and narratively stated over and over again, and basing my analysis in these narrative constants.

So first, let us ask ourselves: was Dean’s death foreshadowed in S15?

The simple answer is that yes, it was.

It was foreshadowed by Amara saying that she wanted to release Dean from his anger, it was foreshadowed by Billie asking if it wasn’t time for the sweet release of death, and it was foreshadowed by the heart symbology peppered throughout the entire season.

Had it been coming for a long time?

Well, yes, it had. There were only two ways that his arc could end: him living or him dying, right? He’s died a lot, which is why I thought it should end in him living, finally, but let’s look at what the narrative tells us living constitutes:

fear (of losing his brother and of what’s around the next bend), as Dean admits in 15x17: he’s always afraid

pain, because the pain of losing Cas will never go away

Has Dean decided to deal with that? Yes, he has. He’s decided, by 15x20, to accept the loss, to look to the future, to not give up, to keep on fighting. He’s not even self-destructively looking for a case to distract him: instead he brings Sam to a freaking pie festival. Yeah? Dean is living his life.

This means that we’re shown him as having let go of toxic masculinity because he’s wholly non-performing at the start of 15x20, he’s openly communicating and being honest about the pain he feels over losing Cas, but as opposed to Chuck’s version of the “perfect ending” which was always tragic, where Dean losing Cas meant that he saw no purpose to living or fighting anymore, Dean takes that pain and is able to handle it because?

Because of Cas. Because of Dean internalising Cas’ view of him. Because of Dean being shown in 15x19 to grieve Cas, to want Cas back, to go through the motions (getting drunk etc.), only for him to realise (and yes the execution is lacking but I’m going to go with the narrative we have for the sake of this reading) that Cas isn’t coming back. 

By the end of 15x19, Cas’ words have taken such hold that Dean not only eases up on control and is shown to confidently share the responsibility for de-powering Chuck by working as a well-oiled team machine with Jack and Sam - because he trusts them, he’s also symbolically allowed to fully integrate by refusing to kill Chuck, because his Shadow (toxic masculinity as passed along by John the Bad Father Figure) (John also has a good side but he had a very bad side, for sure) no longer holds any sway over Dean, and because of Cas’ words, because of Cas’ faith in him, through Cas’ love for all that Dean is, Dean is given the sense of self-worth needed to finally be able to move into self-acceptance, allowing him to self-actualise, to integrate.

Cas saved Dean’s life AND saved Dean from his crappy self-view. I mean. It’s kinda fucking remarkable that this reading is right there for the taking.

So here we have the narrative ticking boxes like JAYSUS, yeah?

Let’s look it:

Dismantling the toxic masculinity ideal

Non-performance

Open communication and honesty

Self-acceptance leading to self-worth leading to self-actualisation

Integration

Clear sense of identity

Learning to let go of need for control

Learning to trust

Feeling deserving of happiness and embracing it

Teamwork and sharing responsibility/not feeling it’s all on him

Believing in deserving to have a future

The world balanced out (no more firewall)

And this, all of it, is thanks to LOVE. 

Because this is a story about love and... love.

So Dean being able to integrate thanks to Cas’ love is, to me, all about Dean opening himself up to the fact that what he wants, truly wants, and has always wanted (and needed, for that matter) is to be loved for who he is, and to allow himself to feel that very same unconditional love for another.

In the act of letting go of needing Cas back to somehow validate that love or validate Dean actually truly being deserving of receiving and giving love, we get the unconditional aspect of it underlined. There’s no dependency anymore. No fear attached to the emotion. Just the love itself, untouched by death. The healthy side to that profound bond that’s always kind of tripped these two up before. I mean. I think it’s kind of breathtaking.

Also, I’ve been told there’s an application that we see on Dean’s desk for him to get a job as a mechanic, which seems to me an underlining that Dean is looking to the future and in so doing is shown to feel deserving of happiness and embracing it. Something that I feel is established at the beginning of the episode, even without this detail, but is brought into focus thanks to it.

Dean doesn’t want to die. He has no desire to die. The implication being that he’s trying to make the best of what he’s got and is completely honest with himself about what he wants. Not owning a bar, but working on cars. The good side of John getting a nod, or so I would say. Especially poignant in an episode so heavily focused on Good Father Figures. 

I haven’t seen the detail of this application for myself though, I just trust my sources. :)

Now we get to the meatier part of this reading: Dean and Sam.

What do we have left on the list of hopes and wishes of stuff to be addressed as pertaining to Dean?

We’ve got:

Ending the codependency 

Putting the past to rest

Letting go of Protect Sammy as predominant purpose

Letting go of fear

No more Butch and Sundance/blaze of glory ending

I wonder if you might already be seeing where I’m going with this, but for good measure, let’s discuss the death scene and what it narratively results in for Dean and for Sam.

Dean and Sam end up in that barn because they’re two men who will not stand for harm coming to innocent lives, especially when those innocent lives belong to two little kids. This is who they are at their core.

Dean is killed by a vampire wearing a mask. Yeah. Someday perhaps I’ll make proper sense of it. Point is: Dean is impaled on a rusty nail that imbeds itself in his heart and sort of holds him together until the moment of his passing, giving him time to ask his brother to stay (zero performance and only vulnerability) and tell Sam exactly what Sam has always meant to him.

Which, for Dean, is vulnerability on steroids. Honesty times one thousand. In your face true identity flares of beauty.

This scene is stunning. When I watched it the second time around last Saturday I was blown away. Jensen makes this scene what it is, because it is such an absolute mirror of Dean’s scene with Cas and the differences to Jensen’s acting choices are paramount to the emotional significance of either. (oh Misha was extremely paramount to the declaration of love, don’t get me wrong, but here we have Jensen pivotally impactful, since he’s in both)

And through this mirroring we have two major threads of this narrative on display and effectively highlighted and tied up: the familial vs the romantic.

Because this is a story about love and... love.

The thing that I’ve been turning over in my head a lot is the codependency aspect here. I’ve had issues with it. Could it only be broken by Dean’s death? 

And no, I don’t think that’s what’s happening here at all. 

This moment is absolutely about the codependency breaking. In part. But it’s also about Dean going out bittersweetly, suddenly, without any glory or blaze, and it’s a very human, very real, very grounding moment to me for his arc: he didn’t expect it to be today, but it is.

*i’m seriously cry*

And Sam’s grief is so raw. I wish Sam had gotten to break away on his own. I’ll always wish that for him. That he could’ve seen his worth as a leader and leaned on that and on his love for Eileen, but Sam’s arc was always, always dependent on Dean’s progression, and this is what Dean’s arc needed in his final moment: clarity, honesty, trust, faith, letting go. A voicing of the fear, of the past, of what got them here, of the dependency - it was always you... and me - and both of them choosing, in the moment, to recognise the finality of it.

The entire show has revolved around these two men’s absolute inability to let go of each other and the stupidity and recklessness this inability has resulted in. Choice after choice serving to bring about the near apocalypses they’ve kept finding themselves in.

And reflecting itself in that has been the dependency Dean has felt for Cas’ presence, his annoyance and worry and fear whenever Cas has disappeared, how Dean’s progression has stopped in its tracks whenever Cas has been removed from the narrative.

So for this scene of the familial love allowing a letting go of that dependency to reflect itself once more so beautifully in how the romantic love allowed for a letting go of that dependency is kind of. I don’t even know. Everything glitters?

Dean finding peace ultimately has everything to do with having met, known and fallen in love with and having been loved by this angel of his. 

But is that canon? 

I mean, it’s subtextual canon, which is good enough for me, because it was all I ever expected and it’s such a blatant statement through the couples in love losing each other leading into Dean and Cas losing each other that there’s just no doubt in my mind how we’re meant to be understanding what these two men mean to each other, and from that draw the conclusions of what it is that’s influencing Dean’s moment of integration.

Does Dean’s death make a statement that happiness and love can only be found in death?

No. It really does not. Because that’s not what the narrative message is. Because Sam finds love and happiness by living his life. And I sincerely disagree with Sam being depicted as being depressed his whole life (the way Dean was with Lisa) because he lost his brother. Sure, there could’ve been pictures of all the found family when Sam is on his death bed, but he’s also thinking about the brother he lost and that’s simply a visual establishing of this fact. Could there have been more? Sure! But that doesn’t mean that all Sam cares about was Dean for all his life, living it in grief and loss. 

Sam loves his son, helps his son, laughs with his son, is a good father figure to his son, and this thread is pulled on throughout the episode: the good father figure thread. 

Dean’s goodbye to Sam isn’t just a brother saying goodbye to a brother.

It’s a father bidding farewell to his child. It’s a father gently relieved to not have to watch his son die. To get to go first. And yes, sure, that’s sad, but it’s also very human and real and says so much about their relationship.

Dabb era has hit the father/parental thread so hard that the Good Father thread running through this episode makes perfect sense to me.

Dean goes to Heaven not to find Cas, not expecting Cas to be there, but finding Cas there all the same (reward for letting go and having faith that if he’s meant to, and why wouldn’t he be, then he’ll see Cas again *headcanon*), and more than that, learning that Cas has made Heaven what it is now, moved Heaven away from trapping souls in endless memory loops (which was benevolent enough, but completely missed the point of what it means to be human) and that now there’s discovery and exploration and more life to be lived, because Heaven is overflowing with free will, with choice, with all the possibility for longevity and happiness.

The eternity that Dean deserves. 

Created for him by Cas. 

Cas ensuring Dean’s death is not an ending, but a beginning. That it’s not a prison for Dean’s mind, but instead a homecoming, filled with the prospect of reconnecting with all the people Dean has ever cared about, ever loved.

I mean, the fact that Cas’ prevailing faith in Jack has enabled all this is like strobe lights for the fucking brain.

And the irony is that while I focused entirely on how Cas needed to be grounded and choose to live a human life on Earth, the narrative had other plans (okay yeah the writers) and instead brought Dean to Heaven, and immortality.

It takes away the final obstacles for giving these two a happily ever after.

It also reflects itself in how Mary, in Heaven, is “complete”. She’s with John. She’s at peace. She’s happy. And who have always been fairly strongly tied (through mixtapes and whatnot) to Mary and John Winchester? Yeah. 

Also, Cas the angel will never age and will never die, and him with human Dean, watching Dean grow old and die only to go visit Dean in his little Heaven always made me depressed. Human!Cas took care of that, but left the Heaven conundrum wide open. And now it’s just gloriously fixed. 

And, speaking of, Cas got to FIX HEAVEN. And he’s fixing it together with his son. All of that faith, all of that struggle, completely rewarded. And Cas building that Heaven in wait for Dean to arrive, because if Dean hadn’t died in that barn (take me back to the night we met...) Dean would’ve died at some point, and Cas can wait, he just wants to make sure there’s happiness waiting for Dean when he arrives. I’m sorry but OMFG. I’m just so happy for our Castiel!!

Could Dean not know happiness on Earth?

I think he was on his way. I think there would always be that pain and that fear, but he was ready to accept that and make the most of it and live his life. Only... his heart is missing, because his heart went away, and perhaps there’s this chance that he’ll find it again, because he always has before, but he doesn’t know, and he doesn't expect it, and that’s okay, he can wait, and then he’s brought to Heaven, and there it is, and he smiles that smile and Heaven is basically complete apart for one final piece.

Because of course Dean would wait for Sam. 

Now. I realise this is my reading of this narrative. No one needs to accept it as the begin all, end all reading. I’m only hoping that it will offer a counterweight to the absolute and utter negativity being bandied around as the only true begin all, end all, because I do not see it or believe that it’s all there is to this finale.

There’s beauty here. And discounting it, at least the possibility of it, even if it’s not exactly what I’ve laid out in this reply, because of frustration of not getting textual Destiel is not doing anyone any good. We got subtextual Destiel, we got subtextual bisexual Dean, and it’s confirmed. To my mind, it’s confirmed.

That’s everything I ever dared expect. And that expectation came solely from how clear the subtext has always been, how invested the writers have seemed in it, and the actors too. 

And Cas is canonically queer. 

Which is fucking amazing and truly enormous and I’ll talk very gently about why I don’t feel his death was a case of BYG in a separate post, but Cas is alive in the narrative as it’s been presented to us, and he’s in love with Dean and they get to be together in the Heaven Dean deserves, remodelled for Dean by Cas. If that’s not the beginning of a happily ever after, then I don’t know what is!

Thanks for asking, love. I’ve been meaning to write all this down and have spent the afternoon doing so. It’s quite cathartic!

xx

[fandom-imagines-stories]

Sounds of Someday

Dean Winchester x Reader

Words: 3108

Summary: A fight leaves a rift in your heart and a split in Dean’s soul. Going your separate ways, you find that every road leads back to each other. 

Notes: Eeeee, I loved writing this one so much guys! I’ve been wanting to write a Dean imagine based on a Radio Company song and I just had to do this one. I also incorporated the song “Who’s Cryin Now” by Journey because I felt it fit the plot. 

Warnings: This one is a little steamier than other imagines I’ve written, but only for like, two seconds. I’m a tease.

Special shout out to my amazing beta reader Sarah, @suckmysupernatural​ . I love her so much and honestly, she’s helped me so much in getting these imagines out for you and she has some absolutely killer writing of her own!

Want more Supernatural? Find it HERE

-

All gone is here today

Finding room to breathe

“I’m done.” Those two words ripped through you as they left your lips. The anger on Dean’s face changed into remorse. 

“What?” 

“I can’t live like this anymore, Dean.” Your voice was hoarse from screaming at each other. This wasn’t the first fight you had had. But they’d never gotten this bad. 

“So what, you’re just going to pack up and leave?” He crossed his arms. He may have started this fight, but he hadn’t anticipated it to go this far. 

“Dean…” You ran a hand down your face in aggravation. “I can’t keep staying here, waiting for you to start the next apocalypse and then die trying to stop it.” The comment stung, but Dean wouldn’t show it. He set his jaw in a hard stare. 

“Fine.” That was it. That’s all he said to you. 

He stayed in the library while you went back to your shared room. You didn’t pay any attention to the clothes you grabbed, you just stuffed them into a duffel. The faster you got out of that bunker, the sooner you could stop fighting the tears that were burning your eyes. Dean hadn’t moved a muscle when you stormed back through. He wouldn't even look at you. 

“I-” You started, but you stopped yourself. It didn’t matter. You got up the stairs before he finally spoke.

“This is on you.” He said in a steady, seething voice. You laughed bitterly, shaking your head. 

“No, Dean. It’s not.” 

The sound of the door closing echoed through the bunker and in his head. Dean kept his eyes trained on the ground even when Sam entered the room. 

“Where’s she going?” His brother didn’t answer. “Dean, where is Y/N going?” 

Dean just stared up at the closed door as if he were waiting for you to come back in. The silence weighed heavily on his chest, crushing the air out of him. He’d pushed too far this time. You weren’t coming back.

-

As soon as the bunker was in your rearview mirror, you broke down. This wasn’t just a break up. You had just left the only family you had. Your heart was screaming at you to turn around and forgive him. To let him hold you and kiss you until you forgot what you were fighting about. But it wouldn’t work. Not this time. 

Dean’s words still rang through your head. 

“Maybe you just aren’t cut out for this.” He had spat. “You can’t bear the idea of losing us because you wouldn’t last a day on your own.” 

In your relationship, Dean had always helped you find your strength, but in that moment, he made you feel weak. Useless. You couldn’t stay. 

You turned on the radio to drown out your thoughts. 

Dean did the same as he laid in his bed back in the bunker. It felt… strange without you in it. He thought of your hurt and angry response. 

“Yes, Dean. I am terrified of losing you. Every time you go out that door, I pray that whatever it is your facing won’t take you away. But you leave without a second thought. You go out, guns blazing and ready to die.  It’s like you don’t care if you come back to me.” 

He pressed the button aggressively and listened to Journey fill his room. 

“One love feeds the fire. One heart burns desire. I wonder who’s crying now?”

You were half tempted to turn it back off. It was too fitting. The words made your heart ache.

“Two hearts, born to run. Who’ll be the lonely one? I wonder who’s crying now?” 

Dean covered his face with his hands. Hearing your tearful voice was like listening to your heart break. And it was his fault. 

Why couldn’t he just accept that someone cared about him? He had been pushing and pushing you away for months now and it finally got to be too much. You’d given up on him just like he’d given up on himself a long time ago. 

You found a motel to crash at and plan for the days to come. You needed a case and you needed one fast. You pulled up news sites from surrounding areas and checked for anything strange. 

Dean needed a case. It was the only thing that would get his mind off you. He enlisted Sam to help him with the search, though his younger brother kept badgering him with questions. 

“Where is she going?”

“I don’t know.”

“Is she coming back?”

“Don’t count on it.”

“What happened?”

“Just help me find a damn case!” Dean yelled. Sam stared at him and leaned back in the chair. He wasn’t surprised by his brother’s outburst, but he wasn’t backing down. Y/N wouldn’t just pick up and leave. He raised a brow, waiting for an explanation. Dean sighed. “She’s done, Sam.”

“What do you mean, ‘She’s done’?”

“I mean, she said she’s done. She said she can’t live like this anymore.” Dean ran a hand down his face and took a swig of his third beer. “She’s not coming back.” 

“Dean, I’m sure if you just call-”

“No.” Dean gave him a silencing stare. “Sam, just stay out of this, okay? She’s a big girl and can make her own damn decisions. This isn’t the first time a woman walked out angrily and it certainly won’t be the last. I’ll live.” But you weren’t just any woman. You weren’t a one-night-stand. He loved you. Which meant he would just have to try harder to forget you. 

-

Go on beyond your way

And see

Yellowstone National Park. You used to visit this place all the time when you were a kid. Your parents were park rangers here until they walked into the woods one day and never came back. You never did find out what happened to them. After they disappeared, you were taken in by your aunt, who spent her days hunting down monsters, trying to find the one that killed her sister and brother-in-law. You watched the job destroy her. 

You wouldn’t watch it destroy the man you loved. 

You had found some reports of campers going missing over the years. Not the usual bear attack either, though that’s what local authorities assumed. You had a particular creature in mind; wendigo. 

Dean threw his duffle onto the cabin bed and surveyed his lodgings. He had told Sam to sit this one out. He needed to clear his head, but he told his skeptical brother that he would call if he thought he couldn’t handle it. From the research he’d dug up, it looked like a possible wendigo. It had been years since he fought one of these bastards, so he would have to stay sharp. 

Dean figured that a fed would stand out too much in this environment, so he posed as a researcher looking into bear attacks. The ranger just gave him a smile.

“You must be that nice woman’s partner! She was looking into the same string of attacks you are.” He shook his head grimly. “A damn shame. If people just left the animals alone, we wouldn’t have such a problem with these attacks.” He rambled on for a moment before Dean cut him off. 

“Young woman?” The ranger’s brows furrowed. 

“Yeah, she was in here just a second ago. Wanted to know about those campers. Tough-looking, but man, she was a pretty one.” With a glare from Dean, the ranger corrected himself. “Didn’t know she was here with anybody.” Dean rolled his eyes. 

“Do you know where she was headed?” 

After you checked in with the main desk, you found your cabin. The mountains around you gave you a bittersweet nostalgia. You used to love it here. You sighed and stuck the key in the lock, freezing when you looked at the cabin next door. The slick-black exterior shined in the sunset. Son of a-

“Of all of the gin joints...” A voice mused behind you. 

You quickly unlocked your door and went inside. Dean caught the door before you could slam it on him. His expression was grave and his eyes still held the hurt that they had just two days ago. 

“This is my case, Dean. You can go.” You looked anywhere else in the room but him. You could brave leaving him once, but you didn’t know if your heart would let you do it again. 

“I found this case fair and square, so I’m not going anywhere sweetheart.” He said gruffly. You put your hands on your hips and he crossed his arms over his chest. Unless one of you said something, you could be in this stand-off for God knows how long. 

“I don’t have time for this, I have a wendigo to fry.” You started to pack your backpack, but Dean still didn’t move. 

“We have a wendigo to fry.” 

“No.” You shook your head. “No we. Just me.” You stuffed the last of your flare guns in your bag. 

“You’re not seriously going to take this on by yourself.” Dean scoffed. You narrowed your eyes. 

“Oh, and you are?”

“I hate to break it to you, Y/N, but wendigo’s are nasty sons-of-bitches. They’re big and they’re fast and would snap you in half before you could even light a match.” 

“Right, and a big macho man like you would be totally safe.”

“I’d have a better chance of fighting it off, that’s for sure.”

“Look here, Winchester.” You stalked towards him, jabbing a finger at his chest. “I know this area better than you, I’m a better tracker than you, and I can fight just as well as you can.” 

“This is different.”

“It’s really not.” 

“I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I want you to stop underestimating me.” 

“I should just lock you in here and throw away the key!”

“And I should give you a black eye!”

“When are we leaving?”

“Nightfall!”

“Fine!” 

“Fine!”

You dropped your bag on the floor as Dean’s lips collided with yours. His arms lifted your legs up and you wrapped them around his waist. This kiss was fervent and intense. Your back was pressed against the door and Dean helped you shed your jacket and you undid his belt. Your lips moved down to his neck, leaning forward to encourage him towards the bed. 

You slammed down onto the mattress, his green eyes looming over you and making your head spin. You started to lift his shirt over his head, but he paused. 

“Wait wait wait,” His brows furrowed together in a way that could only be described as extremely hot frustration, “is this break-up sex or make-up sex?” You used your legs to roll him to the side that you were straddling his waist. 

“Let me get back to you on that.” 

-

Even the fires on the road

Trying to get away

You hadn’t really said anything since you started hiking. It was just after twilight and stars were starting to dot the sky. You were focused on listening to the nature around you, hand prepped on your can of bear-spray. Just because a bear hadn’t killed those campers didn’t mean one wouldn’t kill you. 

Dean had a very uneasy feeling. Every snap set his nerves even more on edge. A wolf howled in the distance and he grabbed your arm, eyes wide. He definitely was not in his element out here. You just chuckled and shook your head. 

“And you said I couldn’t handle it.” He just gave you a cocky smirk. 

“Hey sweetheart, you’re legs sore from hiking yet?” He raised a brow and your cheeks flushed. 

“You’re a pig, Dean.” You scoffed, quickly turning around. It was his turn to chuckle. A silence fell between you as you continued to listen to the sounds of the night. A seriousness came to Dean’s expression. 

“Look, Y/N, about what I said back at the bunker-”

“I don’t think we should talk about that now.” You interrupted. Your head was fuzzy enough from the last couple hours in bed with him. Revisiting the break-up wouldn’t help anything. But Dean grabbed your hand, forcing you to stop. 

“I know that you can handle yourself. And I know that you’re afraid of me getting hurt and leaving you. But that’s not going to happen, baby.” He brought your hand to his chest so you could feel his heartbeat. 

“You don’t know that.” You looked at the forest floor. “Dean, how many times have you walked out ready to sacrifice yourself to save the world, or Sam, or me?” He didn’t answer. “I can’t live like that. I’ve watched too many people I love destroy themselves. I won’t watch it happen to you.” 

Before he could respond, a voice cried out in the woods. 

“Y/N! Help us!” Your eyes went wide. 

“Mom?” You gasped. 

“Baby, come find us!” 

“Dad?” Dean grabbed your shoulders. 

“Y/N, those aren’t your parents.” He said, trying to get you to focus on him rather than the phantom voices. “Your parents are gone.”

“Y/N!” 

“Mom!” You screamed. You broke away from Dean and took off into the trees. 

“Damn it, Y/N. Don’t!” Dean yelled after you. He tore through the foliage, but it was too late. You were gone. 

-

And all the stars seem on a roll

Out of control today

You groaned, your head feeling like a bowling pin. 

“Stupid, stupid, stupid.” You muttered angrily. How could you have fallen for a trick like that? Wendigos could mimic human voices. But how did it know what your parents sounded like? 

That’s when it clicked. Their disappearance in the woods, the destroyed camp site, the wendigo’s memory of them. This was the bastard that killed them. 

You were tied to a root or something in the ceiling of the cave. It was dark, but as your eyes adjusted, you could see the faint outline of other people across from you.

“Hello?” 

You were greeted with a quiet whimper and a little movement from the smaller form. The other body remained still. 

“Who’s there? Did that thing get you too?” It was a woman. You wracked your brain to remember the report

“Yeah,” You sighed, “Yeah it got me. But I have a friend out there. He’ll find us.”

“It’ll come back.” She cried. “It already… it killed Steven.” She was on the brink of hysterics, so you did your best to calm her down. 

“Jessie, right?” You said softly. You could just see her nod. “Jessie, it’s going to be okay. Dean is going to get us out of here and then we’re going to kill this thing.” How Dean was going to find you… you tried not to think about. 

A figure materialized from the dark. At first, you hoped it was Dean, but it was too big. It’s limbs were too lanky. 

“Oh my god, it’s back.” Jessie cried. You assessed the situation and spotted your bag just behind Steven’s hanging form. 

“Jessie, I need you to get a hold of that bag.” 

“I can’t! I can’t!” She bawled. You gave her a hard stare. 

“If you want to get out of here, you have to try.” You ordered. Seeing her movement, the creature picked her as its next target. She started to scream. Here goes nothing. “Hey!” You shouted at the monster. “Come and get me you freaky bastard! I taste good!” 

Thankfully, the beast took the bait. You started swinging back and forth, hoping that the root holding you would break, or at least wear down the ropes that bound your wrists. The wendigo clawed your arm, making you cry out as blood spurted from your bicep. 

“Hey!” Another voice added to the chaos and a flash of red zoomed by your face, nearly singeing your hair. Distracted by the newcomer, the wendigo turned away. Luckily, the creature had also scratched the ropes and with a few more jolts, your bindings snapped. You rolled towards your bag, ignoring the flood of pain that shot up from your arm. Jessie had been able to move it closer so in a few quick motions, you grabbed a flare gun and shot it into the monster’s stomach. The glare was bright enough that you needed to shield your eyes. 

Once the creature was fully cooked, you could finally see Dean. He moved towards you, but you motioned to Jessie. 

“Get her first.” He cut the frightened woman down and she threw her arms around him. 

“It’s alright, you’re safe now.” He tried to keep her line of sight away from her shredded boyfriend. You couldn’t help but watch him with admiration. The way he cared so much… it was what made you fall for him. He looked at you. “I’m going to take her out of here.” His expression was reluctant. He couldn’t stand the thought of leaving you here. 

“I’ll be fine, Dean. Go.” 

He swiftly ushered the woman out of the cave and you dug through your pack for bandages. Dean gave Jessie a can of bear spray and told her to wait while he went back for you. When he found you, you were leaning over a pile of old human bones. 

“At least now I know what happened.” You held up a small gold chain that you had found on one of the skeletons, buried beneath years of other victims. It was your mother’s. Dean knelt beside you and you took a shaking breath. “You were right, you know. Maybe I can’t handle this. I mean, I rushed into that forest with even a little hesitation. And I know what those bastards can do. I just didn’t care. I heard their voices and I just ran.” A tear fell down your cheek and you quickly brushed it away. 

“Y/N, you nearly got your arm clawed off and you still killed that thing.” Dean exclaimed, helping to wrap your injury tighter. “You are a great hunter. I just said that stuff because… I’m just as afraid of losing you as you are losing me. When that thing took you, I lost my damn mind.” 

You leaned your head against his chest and let him wrap his arms around you. You clutched the chain in your hand. Someday, all of this would make sense. How you found each other, how you continued to be pulled together even when you had given up, how you were willing to risk everything to stay together. Until then, you would enjoy the view. 

And though, the Sounds of Someday

May

Be 

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[impala-dreamer]

An idea just came to me: the reader comforting Sam after whar happened to Madison, there's crying, cuddling and I would say smut but Sam's too vulnerable for that.

Broken Heart

Season 2

Sam, Reader, Dean

855 Words

Warnings: Angsty Little Comfort Thing. 

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He hadn’t said a word all day. 

Dean had suggested you all needed a rest, so he booked a room at the Fairway Inn off Route 80 and left you the key, slinking off towards the closest bar. “Keep an eye on him,” he mouthed before he left, nodding towards his stoic brother. 

You had frowned at him and rolled your eyes as if to shout back, “What’d you think I was gonna do?”. Of course you’d planned on hanging back with Sam anyway. You knew he was hurting and there was no way you were leaving him. Not when he looked like he’d collapse at any moment. 

His cheeks seemed permanently stained with tears and though his eyes were dry, they carried the ghosts of his pain. You hadn’t been in the apartment when he pulled the trigger, but you heard the shot ring out, saw the muzzle flare through the window. Dean’s look and Sam’s shaking hands when they left Madison’s apartment told you everything you needed to know, and you didn’t even flinch when Dean asked you to help him burn the body. Sam sat in the car with the windows shut and the engine off; burning in his pain as the flames lept up from the makeshift grave. 

Now he sat alone on the foot of the furthest bed, hands neatly folded in his lap, back straight, eyes locked on the empty before him. 

You watched him for a moment, chewing the inside of your cheek, wondering what to do. You’d seen some shit in your time, but you’d never been faced with murdering your one night stand before. There were a few you wish you could have killed, but Sam was hurting and it hurt you to see. 

“Want a beer?” 

He didn’t answer. 

“Yeah, me neither.” You tried to laugh but he looked so lost, so pathetic. “How about I run out and get us some food, huh? I think I saw a deli down the street that was open. I can grab some sandwiches and maybe some-”

“Y/N?” 

His voice was weak and crackled as he said your name, turning to look at you for the first time since the flames died down. 

You froze, hand hovering over the doorknob. “Yeah, Sam?”

“Stay. Please.” He said no more, looking to you with huge eyes as he reached out a hand. 

“Of course.” 

He lay in your lap, head resting as he cried. 

He spoke in clips when he did. Broken sentences about Jessica and how he still dreamed of her most nights, of how Madison had been the first girl he’d even looked at in that way since losing Jess. He cried harder, whispering that he felt like no one would ever be able to be close to him; that they’d succumb to whatever curse was floating around him. Anyone that loved him would die a horrible death.

You wiped your own tears away and brushed the hair back from his forehead. “That’s not true, Sam. I love you.” 

He sighed. “I know, Y/N. But not- not in that way. I-” 

“Shh. I understand.” You rubbed at his shoulder gently. “Maybe it’s not romantic, but I do love you. And Dean loves you. Anyone who knows you loves you, Sam. Someday, maybe not soon, but someday, you’ll find that romantic love again. I promise.” 

He sat up suddenly, rubbing at his cheeks with the back of his hand. “How do you know that?” 

His face was pale but splotched with pink where he’d been laying on your jeans. He looked so young, so helpless that it broke your heart all over again. 

Reaching up to cup his cheek, you looked him dead in the eyes and did your best to hold back the tears. 

“I know because I know how amazing you are, Sam.” You smiled and he tried to hide his. “You are brave and smart and kind. You’re handsome and wonderful. Anyone would be lucky to be with you. And it will happen, Sam. It will.” 

He took a moment, drinking in your compliments, your predictions for a better life. It seemed to calm him, at least for a while. 

“Too bad you don’t love me like that,” he teased, a hint of a laugh tickling his words. 

You blushed and took his hand, squeezing tight. “How about this: if by the time we’re forty and we’re still both single, we get hitched and bang out a bunch of rug rats, huh?”

He laughed for real and licked his lips, smiling at you. “Yeah. Deal.” 

You kissed his cheek to seal it and headed back to the door. “Now, I am going to get us some food because ya future wife is starving.” 

The night was cold, a stark breeze hitting you in the face when you opened the door. 

“Hey, Y/N?” 

You turned and he was standing not far behind you, walking towards the bathroom. 

“Hmm?”

He bit his lip and nodded, eyes starting to fill again. “Thank you.” 

“I got you, Winchester,” you said with a wink. 

And you did. Always.  

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[samclownchester]

Supernatural Rewatch 04x14

Sex and Violence

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Ah yes, the Siren episode where Dean has a male Siren :0 surely this is proof that he is attracted to men!?!!?

*deep sigh*

Listen, I think Dean is bisexual, I really do, however I hate when people point to this episode as proof of that because it is clearly doing something very different, and subversive in its own way. If you see him as being sexually attracted to Nick then … I mean, I guess. Whatever. Everyone has their own interpretations. But Sirens are not necessarily sexual beings, that’s what they’ve been painted as by a lot of media, but they are just supposed to lure you in with your greatest desire. What this episode tells us is that, as much as Dean likes sex, it’s not his greatest desire. Or, on another level, romantic love is not as important to him as platonic love is.

The idea this episode plays with is that the most important person in the world to you doesn’t need to be a romantic/sexual partner, which I think is GROUNDBREAKING.

It establishes early on in the episode that the siren doesn’t differentiate between different kinds of devotion. The one guy’s mom wasn’t a romantic threat to the Siren, but she was the most important person in that guy’s life, and so she became the Siren’s target.

“But Ray,” you say “the siren didn’t try to give that guy a new mother figure. It was still establishing a romantic/sexual connection with him! So why would it try to imitate the brotherly bond with Sam instead of just drawing Dean in with sex/romance?”

And the answer is: because Dean wouldn’t have responded to that. The guy who killed his mom surely loved his mom, but he probably still had a desire for romantic connection, hoping to get married and have his own family someday or something like that. I don’t think Dean has that. Sure, he wanted Cassie to understand him, and he has dreams of settling down with Lisa and Ben (and I’m not saying he has no romantic attraction to those women but you can also attribute that to amatonormativity) but at the end of the day what matters to Dean is connections that parallel his relationships with his father and his brother.

SAM You poisoned him.

MUNROE No. I gave him what he needed. And it wasn't some bitch in a G-string. It was you. A little brother that looked up to him, that he could trust. And now he loves me. He'd do anything for me. And I gotta tell you, Sam, that kind of devotion? I mean, watching someone kill for you? It's the best feeling in the world.

The Siren makes it clear that what it wants from its victims is not romance or sex, it’s devotion. It wants people to kill for it. That’s what it considers “love.” It saw that Dean was more likely to kill out of a brotherly devotion rather than a romantic connection, so that was the angle it went for with him. Dean would never prioritize a romantic relationship over his brother, he just wouldn’t.

And the thing about Nick is that … he’s not a carbon copy of Sam, instead he is everything Sam has never been, accentuating the things Dean wants that Sam lacks. He bonds with Dean over cars and music, two things that Sam has never really had an interest in, and, crucially, he doesn’t push for Dean to explain himself; he easily trusts his plan, and we know Sam has always pushed to understand the why behind everything they do.

DEAN It's kinda hard to explain, but I have my reasons and they're good ones, so you're just gunna have to trust me on 'em.

MUNROE Yeah. OK. I guess.

DEAN Thank you. That's actually nice to hear.

And, especially because Dean has already been feeling distrustful toward Sam, he falls for it.

This reminds me of in 3x01 when Dean is cornered by Lust, one of the seven deadly sins, and she isn’t able to have any affect on him. Like, we all know that Dean likes sex, but when it comes down to it, when he faces monsters who literally prey on people based on their sexual desires ... it doesn’t work on him. Lust got her head dunked in holy water and the Siren had to find a work around. 

The Sam/Cara subplot is obviously supposed to be a red herring, to make us think we know who the Siren is, but is also tells us a couple of interesting things about Sam and how his attitude toward relationships has changed.

First of all, we know he’s back in contact with Ruby, but we can also assume that after 4x04 they had some sort of break-up and we don’t know what their dynamic is currently like. There is also the possibility that they’re not/never were exclusive but given how monogamous Sam is I find that hard to believe. But who knows? That being said, he doesn’t seem to have any qualms about having a one-night stand with Cara.

DEAN You gonna say goodbye to Cara?

SAM Nah, not interested.

DEAN Really? Why not?

SAM What's the point?

DEAN Well, look at you. Love 'em and leave 'em.

Remember in season 3 when Sam said that he was going to become more like Dean? Remember last episode when Sam said he needed to “grow up”?

So, what I think is going on here is that Sam thinks he’s setting aside his kinda “childish” desire for relationships to last. Obviously, this isn’t actually a childish thing to want, but our society kinda paints one-night stands as like … I don’t know a masculine and mature thing to do? And Sam feels like he needs to become this … tough, masculine, unsentimental person. (You know, go against that gentle nature of his).  (also the demon blood is affecting him.) Additionally, this ties in to the idea that building connections isn’t worth it in their life. It’s something he pushed back against in Season 1, but Sam has started to learn that making any kind of relationship last is basically impossible in their lives, and he has stopped trying.

Now, the only reason the Siren had any luck turning the brothers on each other was that there were already issues arising between them.

Dean’s issues with Sam

Dean covertly finds out that Sam has been calling Ruby and lying to him about it. He pretends to have not heard Sam’s phone call and gives him an opportunity to just tell him who he was calling, but instead Sam lies, and Dean hates being lied to.

DEAN Well, I don't know when it happened. Maybe when I was in hell. Maybe when I was staring right at you. But the Sam I knew, he's gone. … And it's not the demon blood or the psychic crap. It's the little stuff. The lies. The secrets.

As a type 8, betrayal is a very difficult thing for him, and he responds pretty extremely. But it’s not just the betrayal, he also feels like his little brother has fundamentally changed. And he’s … not wrong? Sam is changing, he is a very different person than the faithful, sentimental, nerd that we met in season 1. Dean is scared of those changes.

Sam’s Issues with Dean

Sam has always hated being controlled. He didn’t like being ordered around by John and now he has Dean breathing down his neck and disapproving of everything he does.

SAM So I need your say-so to make a phone call?

I do understand why Dean is angry that Sam is hiding from him that he is talking to Ruby, but also Dean has a tendency to hate the idea of Sam having a life outside of the two of them and that’s not cool. I’ll probably talk more about this later. 

SAM OK, fine. You know why I didn't tell you about Ruby, and how we're hunting down Lilith? Because you're too weak to go after her, Dean. You're holding me back. I'm a better hunter than you are. Stronger, smarter. I can take out demons you're too scared to go near. … You're too busy sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Whining about all the souls you tortured in hell. Boo hoo. … You're not standing in my way anymore.

Hey, remember in Season 3 when Dean said “you’re stronger than I am” to Sam? Remember how I said that was gonna come back later?

Obviously later in the episode Sam claims this was just the Siren talking but ... we all know this was coming from somewhere. But it’s something Sam, in his normal state, would never say. (Like, taking that dig at Dean for his guilt about Hell?? Man, that’s cold.) But on some level it’s things Sam really believes. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was something Ruby had told him though … But anyway, this episode shows us that, somewhere inside Sam considers Dean a burden, and feels like he’d be more successful without him. This obviously doesn’t outweigh the love that Sam has for Dean, but especially at this point in his journey, when he’s all messed up by Ruby and Demon Blood, they’re thoughts he’s been entertaining.

W*nc*st shippers DO NOT interact

[awesomesusiebstuff]

Time Together Changes Everything

This was written for @idreamofplaid Thanks For The Memories Challenge.  It was inspired by scenes form Supernatural Season 13 episodes Patience and The Big Empty and by my love for the relationship between Sam and Jack.

Characters:  Sam Winchester, Jack Kline, Dean Winchester

Words: 2,113

Warnings:  None that I could think of.  Pure fluff.

A/N Thanks to @fangirlxwritesx67 for reading and encouraging and to @thoughtslikeaminefield for beta read and suggestions for improvement.

Summary: Dean is angry.  Jack is afraid of Dean and of his own powers.  Sam is trying to keep himself and everyone else together.  Someone has to be the adult in the bunker. Who knew trying to raise a Nephilim would be so difficult?

With Cas dead and Mary gone, life in the bunker was very uncomfortable.  Truth be told, uncomfortable was too small a word to describe the atmosphere.  Charged, hostile, despairing. Those were more accurate descriptions. Everyone who remained had been sent reeling.  The world had spun off its axis and no one had time to adjust to the new trajectory.  

 Dean was mourning his best friend, and his mother, and was caught up in blaming the bunker’s newest resident for his loss. Jack was feeling alone and frightened.  Everything was new and terrifying to him, including his own powers. And Sam, Sam was just trying to keep it together.  

He had lost his friend and mother -- and, God, it hurt!  But he was convinced that Jack was not a monster and knew that someone had to look after him. So, in one of the greatest ironies of all time,  Sam chose to step up and protect the son of Lucifer, which included helping Jack learn how to control his powers and use them for good.

Training was not going well. Jack had been trying his hardest to please Sam by making a pencil levitate.  Sam had been trying his best to be patient and not pressure Jack. He knew Jack was scared. Sam was frustrated though, and felt he was doing everything wrong.  He had no real experience with kids. And, even though Sam knew he did the best he could, his own father was not exactly a role model. Sam was worried he would not be an adequate parent for any child, let alone for a Nephilim. Just the thought of it was overwhelming.

Sam wished he could get Dean on board for some much needed help, but Dean was convinced Jack was evil and would turn on them as soon as he had the opportunity.  Dean had gone so far as to tell Jack he would be the one to kill him if he went dark side. Sam understood that his brother’s first response to any strong, uncomfortable emotion was anger. He knew this was part of Dean’s grieving process, but his brooding and glaring at Jack was not helping the situation. 

The day everything changed was the day Jack blew up at Sam and fled to his room.  Sam found him sitting in the corner in tears. Sam knew what it was to feel like a disappointment. He was mortified to be the cause of Jack’s tears. 

Sam sat next to Jack on the floor and bumped his shoulder to get the boy’s attention. In the gentlest voice possible, Sam said “I’m sorry for pushing so hard, Jack.  I forget that you’re just a kid. I want you to know that whether you get a handle on your powers or not, you are not a disappointment. Your mom believed in you. Cas believed in you.  And I believe in you.”  

By this time, Jack had turned so he could look at Sam, his face so open and hopeful that Sam found himself close to tears. “OK,” Jack said.” I’m ready to try again.”  “Great!” Sam replied. “But let’s have a little fun first, take a break.”

Sam wasn’t really sure what would be fun for a Nephilim. Truth be told, he wasn’t certain what would be fun for a child. Sam thought about things he had liked to do as a child. He remembered that most of his favorite things involved fantasy of some kind.  He didn’t think he should resort to playing Batman and Robin or soldiers with Jack. He decided to start introducing Jack to the world of Star Wars, figuring that would at least be interesting for him.   

He left Jack in his room with a laptop and Clone Wars. When he checked back a few hours later, he saw that Jack had not moved off his bed and was still working his way through the episodes.  Sam asked, ”Hey, how’s it going?” Jack looked up and replied, “Good. I’m enjoying it. I’m not too fond of Anakin, though.”  Sam laughed when he heard this. He was taking this as an indication that Jack was not going to go all Darth Vader on the world.  At Jack’s questioning look, Sam smiled and said, “I’ll explain it to you another time.” Jack just nodded and went back to his viewing.

Sam left to make Jack something to eat and ran into Dean in the kitchen. He was still smiling when he said, “So get this. Jack doesn’t like Anakin Skywalker. Dude, that’s a good thing, right?”  Dean didn’t really answer but he actually smiled. Sam chose to see this as another good sign. Maybe the ice around Dean was starting to thaw and he would begin to warm up to Jack. 

Jack really seemed to enjoy the animated series so Sam downloaded the movies for him, starting, of course, with the original one featuring Luke Skywalker and Han Solo.  While Jack watched, Sam returned to the library to do more research on Nephilim.

Thinking about Star Wars and his own childhood had triggered some not so great memories, like how much he disliked being left alone to entertain himself when Dean and his father went on hunts.  Those memories made him realize he was doing the same thing to Jack. Sam might not know the best way to teach Jack to use his powers, but he could spend time with him and show Jack what it was like to be human.

From that day on, Sam made a point of spending time with Jack and introducing him to what he called “the human experience.” He listed what he considered essentials and set himself the goal of checking at least one thing off the list every day. 

Sam was aware that Jack was too small to wear any of Dean’s clothes.  And his own clothes certainly would not fit him. So clothes shopping moved to the top of the list.

Sam never paid much attention to clothes but he found that he actually enjoyed helping Jack find things to wear that he would like and that would feel comfortable. One of their most successful shopping excursions netted Jack a new “favorite” hoodie and a pair of sneakers with Velcro, both of which quickly became part of his daily wardrobe.  

Grocery shopping was not quite as successful.  Jack discovered he liked candy, sugary cereal, and just about anything sweet.  Sam tried to introduce him to all sorts of fruits and vegetables. Jack would try everything but nothing beat nougat and Sam would always catch him trying to sneak sweets into the grocery cart. 

Sam was aware that Jack’s grocery preferences contributed to Dean’s warming up to him.  Dean would never take Jack shopping, but whenever Dean went on a supply run, Sam saw that a handful of candy bars and a couple boxes of sugary cereal mysteriously made it into the bunker. 

Dean couldn’t help noticing that Jack looked up to Sam and that Sam looked happier when he was doing things with Jack. One day he commented, “Dude, I’m glad to see you looking like less of a sad sack.”  Sam gave Dean the patented eye roll and said, “Yeah, I think things are getting better.” Sam knew better than to push Dean so he just smiled to himself and let it drop.  

Hunting was the family business, so, of course, Sam taught Jack about monsters and the lore.  He took Jack out to walk around a cemetery and explained how EMF worked. He let Jack read his hunting journal and some of the notes he kept about monsters he and Dean had encountered. 

Sam stayed away from the topic of Lucifer as much as possible.  He knew Jack had questions. Jack finally came out and asked, “Is my father a monster?” Sam answered honestly, ”Yes, Jack, he is. And someday I’ll tell you more about him and why I know he is evil.  But Jack, that does not mean you will be evil. You have a choice and I believe you will make the right one.”

After that, Sam was always very careful to make sure Jack knew he and Dean did not see him as a monster. He believed that Jack trusted that Sam saw him as a real person and not just some “cosmic entity” with potentially useful powers.  He knew Jack was still unsure about Dean, especially after Dean’s “cosmic can opener” crack. Sometimes Jack had bad dreams and he would go to find Sam. He would always ask, “Is Dean going to kill me?’ And Sam always replied, “No. I won’t let that happen.”

Jack’s nightmares became less frequent.  One morning he came to Sam and said ”I don’t think Dean plans to kill me anytime soon.” Sam recognized this as real progress and decided to plan a Lord of The Rings movie marathon to celebrate. However, before the marathon could begin, Sam decided Jack needed one more lesson.  Sam wanted to show Jack the failsafe weapon to be deployed when trying to get Dean to do anything. Sam left Jack practicing his puppy dog eyes in the mirror and went to find Dean. Sam used his own puppy dog eyes on his brother and Dean agreed to join them in watching the first movie. 

Midway through the movie, Jack asked ,“Aren’t people supposed to have snacks when they’re watching a movie?” and Sam watched Jack unleash his version of the pleading eyes on Dean.  Sam smirked as he watched Dean jump up to go to the kitchen, saying “I’m on it. Popcorn and nachos coming right up. Anybody need another drink?” By the time the credits rolled on the last film, all three were devouring a Dean made “hobbit second breakfast” of waffles, bacon, and a veggie omelet for Sam.

The next day, Jack proudly announced, “I found a case for you.”   Dean surprised Sam by inviting Jack to come with them on the hunt.  It turned out to be a simple salt-and-burn and didn’t require any use of special powers.  Jack showed he was able to listen and followed Sam’s every direction. And Sam knew Jack’s willingness to do the grave digging won him points with Dean.

Jack’s full acceptance into the Winchester family became apparent to Sam the day after they returned  to the bunker. Sam noticed that Dean had begun calling Jack “kid” and he immediately recognized what that meant.  Any lingering doubt Sam may have had disappeared when Dean began teasing Jack about his hair.

 Dean said “Hey, kid.  You’re getting a little shaggy.  Which is ok if you want Wookie hair but…” and then gave Sam a pointed look. 

Jack looked at Sam for guidance, unsure of how to respond.  Sam just laughed and directed a “jerk” at Dean.  

Sam said, “Jack, it’s your hair and you decide how you want it to look.”  

After giving it some thought, Jack said, “I guess I don’t want to look like a Wookie.  Can I get a haircut?”  

Dean volunteered to cut Jack’s hair but Sam just chuckled and shook his head.  Sam decided he would make an appointment with the girl who cut his own hair and take Jack into town for his haircut. 

The next day, Sam and Jack drove into town.  Sandra, Sam’s usual stylist, greeted them with a smile and innocently asked Sam, “And who is this?” referring to Jack.  

Giving one of his awkward waves, Jack shyly said, “I’m Jack.” 

Sam was taken aback because he hadn’t thoroughly thought this thing through. Of course, Sandra knew Sam and would be curious about Jack.  By that time, Jack was nervously staring at the floor. And Sam was hit by the realization that that this was Jack’s first haircut and it was a big deal for him. 

Not giving himself time to think, Sam blurted out, “He’s my son.”  When he saw the biggest smile he had ever seen on Jack’s face, he knew it was the right thing to say.  More than that, he knew it was the truth.  

He felt himself smiling just as big when Jack answered, “Yes, that’s my Dad.”  

He might not have been prepared to be a parent. But at that moment, if anyone had asked Sam Winchester if he was happy to be a father, his answer would be a resounding “Yes!”

 Tagging Interested Parties:  @idreamofplaid @fangirlxwritesx67 @thoughtslikeaminefield @kickingitwithkirk @klaatu51 @aeo10fan

[kaz11283]

It took me forever just to sit down and write this.  Not gonna lie I hit a rock straight up, but if yall just bear with me through this part at least we will be back to smooth sailing.  It’s just been such a rough week with everything going on around the world.  Let’s use this as an escape even if it is just for a little bit.  I’m gonna start kinda having a certain day of the week when I release stuff, right now I am thinking maybe Tuesday and Friday?  Still bouncing things off in my head, but that will give me a time frame and give yall a day when to expect something.  Much love, and thank you to everyone that has started following this journey with me and has followed, liked, and reblogged!  I don’t know what I would do without the support and I am loving the feedback and I am over the moon by what recognition I have gotten.  It’s not big but every little thing makes me feel so special and I am so happy that I am getting to share a piece of me with all of yall!!!

~~~~

Best Friends

Chapter 4

You 17, Sam 18, Dean 21

 

“He’s gone y/n,” Bobby said walking into the living room where you had taken up residence on the couch since you had gotten the call from John two days before. “He wouldn’t want you sulking around here like you are.  He would want you to get up off this couch and at least go take a shower.”  He popped the top on the beer he had in his hand and gave it to you.

“Uncle Bobby you know I don’t drink that stuff.”  You said pushing it away.  You wrapped the blanket around you tighter. “It just surprises me, ya know?  Everything that man has fought in his life, every monster, creature, everything and the man dies in a freakin car accident.”

“Fate has a weird scene of humor sometimes.  He was a good hunter, damn good brother, and a pretty ok father.  He did raise a pretty smart girl if you ask me, course I don’t know where you got it from.  Probably your mother’s side of the family along with her looks.”  He said leaning back and pulling you to his chest.  “I would love to tell you that it gets better, that the pain just slowly goes away until it’s not there anymore but it doesn’t.  You just learn to get use to it.  Some days are easier to get through than others, somedays it won’t even cross your mind, but you’re gonna have your bad days and on those days is when you’re gonna need to talk, let someone help.”  He said kissing the top of your head and getting up to stretch. “But really, go take a shower, I think that your funk is starting to seep into the couch.  Might have to burn it and get another one.”

“No!  I like this couch.  Its broken in just right.  Besides a new couch would just throw the whole room off, we would have to paint, get all new furniture, probably throw away a lot of your junk.  It just wouldn’t work out with a new one.” You got up and collected your blankets.  “Thank you Uncle Bobby for being here, helping raise me, teach me, letting me stay here when you didn’t have to.  Your probably the best thing that’s happened to me.” You said leaning up and kissing the old man on the cheek before you walked up the stairs.

~~~

 You woke to voices down stairs in the kitchen and the smell of bacon and coffee, your uncle didn’t normally cook unless-

You bolted up out of bed and hightailed it down stairs to see your favorite family sitting at the table idly chit chatting with Bobby. “Sammy! Dean!”  The two large men stood up and gave you a hug squeezing you between them like a sandwich.  “Oh I missed yall so much!”  You through your arms around both of their necks pulling them down to your level and squishing their cheeks to yours.

“Hey sweetheart, how you holdin’ up?”  John asked bending down to give you a hug.  You had somehow managed to weasel your way into the eldest Winchesters heart when you was young running around with Sam and Dean causing trouble.

“I’m doin good John.  It makes it a little easier knowing that he didn’t hurt, ya know.  It was quick.”  You shrugged taking your seat between the two brothers.

You all sat and ate breakfast talking about the latest hunt that the guys had been on, hearing John talk about hunts with your dad, listening to Bobby rant about having to bandage up the both of them more times than he cared to.  It had started out as a good day.

“So Sammy, any plans after you finally finish school?”  You asked over you cup of coffee.

“Yes and no.  I don’t know what I really want to do yet.  I got my acceptance letter from Stanford the other day but we haven’t really discussed it any further.”  Sam said looking down.

“Sammy here wants to be a lawyer.”  John laughed.  “Of all things.  Been training the boy his whole life to hunt and now he wants to throw it all away for a ‘higher education’.” John rolled his eyes.

“What’s wrong with that?  I got accepted into KCU working on getting my RN.”  You asked raising an eyebrow at the man.  “He doesn’t wanna follow the family business I don’t see where that’s a problem.  Besides, then you would have someone to get both your asses outta trouble if need be.”

“Y/n you always knew you didn’t wanna do this-“

“But Sammy did.  I think he should have a little bit of a say so in his future.”  You said leaning back and crossing your arms in front of you.  “Don’t worry Sammy, I’ll come visit you on weekends.”

“So you got accepted to KCU and didn’t tell me yet?”  Bobby asked trying to change the subject.

“Well a lot of stuff has happened since I got the letter.  Honestly I didn’t think I was gonna get in, I didn’t turn in all my stuff till last minute.”  KCU had only been a pipe dream for you, going into the medical field was kind of an easy choice; you had stitched, bandaged, and pulled out bullets from more than one hunter that had come through Bobby’s door on many occasions.

“So a collage girl now?”  Dean said winking at you.

“Gross no, you’re my brother.” You wrinkled your nose and made a disgusted look at him

“Ew NO!  Not you!  Trust me I’ve already seem more of you than I ever care about seeing-“ That earned a hard glare from both John and Bobby to both of you.

“Shut up Dean.”

“Like the time we had stayed out all night drinkin and went skinny dippin in the lake.”

“Shut up Dean.”

“Or the time that we had the bet that you wouldn’t walk out on the field during homecoming and moon everyone.”  Bobby crossed his arms, you hadn’t told him the reason you had been suspended from school that week

“Dean, I will hit you so hard that your kids will feel it.”

“Or the time-” You punched him hard “OW!”  He grabbed his arm holding it while Sam busted out laughing.

“There are certain things that you don’t say Dean.” You stared at him with wide eyes.  “Like the time that you begged me to come get you from whats her names house at like three in the morning so that you wouldn’t get caught sneaking back into the hotel that we were staying at, or the time that we had to get Sam to cover for us because we snuck out to go to that party, or ho-”

“OK! Grounded, both of you.  Till further notice.”  Bobby pointed at you and Dean.

“I’m 21 Bobby!”  Dean yelled looking at his dad for help, John simply shrugged his shoulders.

“Your joking me?  Uncle Bobby, you’ve never grounded me before!”

“Well y/n there’s a first time for everything.  Seems like I just didn’t’ know that you need to be grounded all the time.”  Bobby said shaking his head.

“Well thanks for taking the pressure off me guys.”  Sam said draping his arm around the back of your chair laughing.

“Sam, watch it, I’m sure you had your help in something too with these two bad influences around.” John warned.

~~~

The next week was spent going over information about the hunt the boys were about to do, gun training, and hanging out with the boys. With them getting older they werent able to come around as much as they use to so when you were together you made the most of your time. Sam had decided to hang back and go over some more books of Bobby's while you and Dean went for burgers.

"When are you gonna start huntin with us y/n?" Dean asked looking over his burger.

"Dean, we've went over this. I'm better behind a book looking up lore, or with a needle and thread in my hand. I dont do field work. I dont like having to chop heads or burn bodies."

"Your good with any weapon put in your hand, your freakin awesome at fighting. I'm just sayin I ever have to go off on my own your the first one I would call." He shrugged.

"Well I guess I'm lucky that you'll have Sammy then right?" You said whipping off your hands. "But you ever need any research done I'm your girl."

"Sammy's going to collage. Hes getting out." Dean said looking down. "I act all butt hurt and upset that hes leaving but I'm not, not really. I'm actually really proud. Proud of him and you. You both did something that I never imagined could happen."

"But I'm going to collage to learn how to help people when they get attacked Dean, I wouldnt say that was 'getting out'."

"But when this is over and you decide you dont wanna do this anymore you'll have a fall back. Sammy is going to be a lawyer, what can I do? I'm good at killing things."

"You can be a professional hunter," he snorted "ummm, oh, or a gun salesman, or a secret agent." You laughter with him on that one. "Hunters lives is a whole lie anyways I think you could pull it off. Wear a suit, woo a girl." You raised your eyebrows at him.

"Whatever. Let's go home, I heard theres a Hatchetman marathon tonight. Think we could get Sam to join us like old times?"

"I'll grab the snacks." You said throwing your arm around his middle.

~~~~~

Tag List

@samsgirl93

@spn-obession

@iitslibassi

[misha-moose-dean-burger-lover]

Natural Selection.

Cas is 'The Secret Boyfriend' in Dean's phone.

He was originally Cass, till Cas saw it once and was horrified enough for Dean to feel guilty.

Soon enough, he was Cas <3 because he happened to leave his cell lying around Sam.

And then, when Cas and Dean started - well - calling each other boyfriends; Charlie had frowned when he'd referred to it as starting to date, because apparently, they'd been doing that for years already - Dean changed it himself to 'Bf', induced by a particular drunken night of missing him terribly.

There were further transitions, all revolving about the same theme. There was a certain thrill, Dean realised. Occasionally, Cas would want to know what he was being called that week, with that soft smile on his face, and Dean would be proud to tell him. 

Sometimes he'd have to explain the nicknames. Good times.

He never has to ask, though. Dean has been Humanity in Cas’s phone, long since Crowley got his hands on it.

One sunny morning, during breakfast in their windowless kitchen, Cas asks him again. Dean just nudges his phone in his direction, occupied in trying to get his omelette fit in the pan just right.

Cas laughs when he sees, Cas, secret boyfriend. He reads it aloud to Dean, who has his back turned to him, shirtless and apron adorned.

Dean practically stutters around to stare at him. "But -" He was sure he'd put Cherrypie earlier that week, so how could it have changed since - unless, of fucking course, Gabriel must have got his hands on it again. Goddammit. It seems to be his newest way of annoying Dean. "I didn't -" He begins.

But Cas has a faint smile on his lips, as he edits it himself, nimble fingers now having learned to be quick as they dance across the keyboard.

Dean leans over his shoulder to read, and Cas tilts his head to let Dean see. "That made it seem like there might be others." His scruff strokes Dean's bicep as he told him. It tickles.

"Other secret boyfriends?" Dean repeats, licking his lips, leaning in further and allowing Cas to press his lips to the corner of Dean's shy smile.

"Other Cas's." Cas corrects.

"Nah." Dean shakes his head, if only to get Cas's lips to move against his cheek. "You're the only Cas for me, Cas." Cas's lips curl into a smile, and it's a smooth transition, he can feel it right on his skin. Dean loves being close to Cas.

"You're the only Dean for me too." Cas tells him frankly, dimpling as he finally plants an actual kiss on Dean's lips, by using a hand to turn his jaw to get it on the mark just right. Dean's eyes close instantly, when Cas cups his face. They linger.

For a moment too long, or maybe too little, they're lost. Then, Dean lets his hand fall on the back of Cas's neck, and ghost the inside of his collar, and Cas shifts in his seat, putting some distance between them. If Cas hadn't pulled back just then, Dean could bet he would've ended up straddling him - even for as sweet as they'd been kissing.

Cas sighs, softly, as if he was returning from somewhere. "Dean, I think your omelette just turned into scramble."

"Oh, well." Dean grins, straightening. Satisfied. "You'd eat whatever I fed you."

"You've taught me that's love." Cas throws back, half accusatory, mostly just smiling. Dean feels a flutter in his insides at the word, as he turns back to the stove.

And that's the story of how Cas started being called The Secret Boyfriend by Dean's phone.

***

There's Cas smiling at him, head tucked under Dean's arm and everything, whenever he unlocks his phone to his home screen.

When Dean got his first phone under his real name, he was seventeen.

John surprised him with it.

It wasn't even his birthday or anything. There was a vamp nest, a couple cities over. And that time, Sam had won the argument with Dad, and the brothers were to stay behind - and go to school, Sam had primarily argued - while John went off to take care of the hunt. But it was close to holiday season, so no motels had vacancies for more nights than one, and they were looking to stay indefinitely - so John's only option had been to rent a flat.

It was a one bedroom place, the kind which would've been cramped if they'd had any furniture at all. The building had an air of misery, but it was probably just the cold. Even the landlord didn't live there anymore.

But now, Sam was thirteen and tall, and Dean worked weekends - so they were old enough in John's book, to be left back; with money that wasn't theirs, and that one cellphone with a month's bill paid. Dean's first phone.

The next day, lying on the bed because they hadn't bought a new couch and Dean definitely wasn't going to touch the one that'd come with the house unless at gunpoint, Dean set his first wallpaper.

It was Gunnar Lawless, flexing a bicep, and smirking over his shoulder, head cocked as if to look right into Dean's eyes, as he stared at his screen in wonder. Someday, he'd have guns like those, and friends like him. Someday, he'd be a man like him.

John returned in a week's time. They drove away. (Didn't even tell the landlord they were vacating the house, because then they'd have to give reasons. Lying wasn't a problem. But it got boring, sometimes.)

Dean grew up.

When he hit nineteen - around the same time he moved to that one highscool in Texas where he'd eventually meet Rhonda Hurley, he made a friend.

Ben was cool. He taught Dean things, though he probably didn't know Dean was learning from him. Dean was good at that.

Once, Ben had snickered at some guy's clothes. Said it was a lot. Guys were supposed to keep it cool. Keep it simple, keep it casual.

Those had been the origins of 'Less is More'. The basics are the classics, a little is a lot, things like that. If you were untraditional about things like mobile wallpapers, you were trying too hard.

Dean knew that was stupid.

Dean also knew he was going to change it to the default.

He felt good about it for just about a minute, and then just foolish. He would even have changed it back, Ben could screw off, he didn't care, if only he'd kept staring at his screen for longer. But break was over, and Dean picked up his books and Ben picked up his, and they went off to class.

Sadly, the boring grey squares stuck with Dean for much longer than the school and his friend did.

Much later, when highschool was all done, and Sammy was all gone - Dean changed it to Baby.

It had been a night spent wholly driving, with Dad passed out next to him. Don't worry, he was alright. Just the final showdown of a hunt, and then the alcohol. Never a good pair, Dean remembered thinking, back then.

It was a good angle for Baby, showed off her strength, magnificence and color. Dean felt almost proud of the photo he'd taken. The aluminium glistened and the glass had a cleaner sheen somehow. She looked terrific, headlights blazing and everything - and it was his. They'd had that conversation earlier that night, and though John had been sufficiently drunk, Dean knew he'd remember his words. The Impala was his. Hell, Dean didn't spare a thought to the former definition of cool, as he changed his wallpaper.

His car was what was fucking cool. Anybody who wanted to tell him otherwise could go screw himself.

Baby stayed on Dean's homescreen for a long time.

Sometimes he'd replace it with newer, better pictures he took of her. Sam would grin, tell Dean he was very good at photography for someone with such a crappy camera, and Dean would flip him off with a mirroring grin.

Baby finally got off his screen, years later.

Dean didn't know what had got into him, but he swears to himself that he was at least a little bit drunk to have been googling 'I Killed Hitler' quote images.

It was also weird how he got one which matched his tastes perfectly - black background, text in unavoidable bold purple. There were a lot of options on the internet.

That part was stupid, too. He knew that none of them killed Hitler. Of course, because it was he who did.

But he did end up finding the perfect one, and Dean had it on his screen for a good bit of time too. He'd occasionally shove it in Sam's face, for example, to prove a completely unrelated point - just to savor the way his brother looked at him like nothing annoyed him more than Dean did.

And then, there was that day, when Cas came back from his run with Sam - he accompanied him on the days when it looked like Dean wouldn't get up till they're back, Dean knew - and promptly declared that he was going to start taking selfies.

Apparently he'd seen many people doing it, had been seeing them do it for years, and was affirmative that he wanted to try it. It almost certainly didn't help when Dean informed him that he hadn't taken a single selfie in his entire life and that he was living just fine.

Cas had always been stubborn.

And he had a phone, now. And, he certainly had always had a way with Dean.

"Why are you so difficult, Dean? Why is it so hard for you to smile at the camera?" Cas grumbled, probably fashioning his tone to sound doubly as annoyed as he was.

"'Cause it's not the camera. I'm smiling at myself here, Cas." Dean rolled his eyes. "It's dumb." He had his phone held at eyelevel, he refused to take it any higher. Then what would be the frigging difference between him and those -

"Then smile at me." Cas interrupted, as an effective idea came to him, and he slid into the picture next to Dean. "There. It's not dumb to smile at me, is it?"

Dean sighed, maybe a little flustered. Cas was pressing up against him pretty close to get in the frame. "You know you're really frigging weird, right?"

"I have a fair idea." Cas beamed at him, and pushed Dean's face with his own to fit fully. Dean had to resist snorting at that. What a complete dork. "There." Cas announced. "We look good. Click on the button. It's the white one -"

"I know how to take a goddamn photo, Cas -"

"- then why aren't you doing it?" Cas cut in, slipping into the tone he saves for when he wants to pretend he's really had enough of Dean's fusses. "I don't see you taking the photo, Dean -"

"I can't do it with the hand which is holding the phone, you stupid -" Dean groaned, trying to twist his arm out of where Cas had squeezed it between their bodies, in his nagging at Dean. "It'll fall if I do that. And I can't use my other hand, because then it'll block your face -"

"Oh, leave it to me." Cas huffed, frustrated, and taking the phone from Dean's outstretched hand. "I'll - let me do it, Dean. I'll do it." Dean clawed at the air to get the phone back but Cas was stretching it away now. At least Dean got to untangle his other arm, and didn't even notice as he slung it around Cas - out of habit, or something. "Now you smile, and I'll just press the button in the middle, and -"

"I know how to take a photo, goddammit!" Dean snapped, right as Cas took the photo. Cas turned at him with a frown, because of that.

It came out pretty candid, was all the praise anyone could offer.

They took more photos. Dean even smiled in a few - believe him, he tried not to. Cas smiled in most, and in some rare ones, the smile crinkled his eyes and showed off his gums - and they luckily coincided with exactly one of Dean's smiling photos, and it was a perfect one, that one.

If it means Cas will smile like that, Dean's going to take more pictures.

It's not till weeks later, when Dean's scrolling through his gallery looking for something important, that he sees the picture for the first time. It's almost impossible to look away.

He can't seem to recall the other details surrounding it, anymore. Just what the photo shows him, and just the way Cas looks in it, with his hair dark and wild, and his eyes shining from having gotten Dean to comply. Collar slightly upturned from Dean's arm making it that way, and his head turned slightly as if he were about to just look at the real Dean before the camera captured the moment. His smile, proud of the fancy new activity, with glances of barely there dimples hiding in his stubble. He's beautiful, and he's happy, and it's a good picture, if there ever was one.

And of course, in the picture too, Dean's only got his eyes on Cas.

In that moment, Dean Winchester had found exactly what he wanted to see, whenever he unlocked his phone, for the rest of his life. And that's the story of how Dean found his wallpaper, for the ages.

(And yes, ever since they enabled different wallpapers for the lockscreen and the homescreen, he's had eleven year old Sammy dressed as a pumpkin for a school halloween fest, on the former. He collected the photo from Missouri some time ago, and Sam detests it audibly, so obviously Dean isn't going to change it ever.)

***

The story about ringtones isn't even that long.

It started off with 'Wanted Dead Or Alive', because the spunky, daydreaming teenage boy he never got to be, but maybe also did - seemed to connect to Bon Jovi's lyrics on a stupidly basic level.

His ringtones made their way through the classics. Bob Dylan, Elton John, John Lennon, Bruce Springsteen. Had Eye Of The Tiger for a long time. He had Kansas, Guns 'N Roses, Pink Floyd. He remembers he had Smoke on the Water for a while. All good ones.

After dying a hundred and four times in 2008, he switched to Heat Of The Moment. Sam bitchfaced at him all through those weeks of Asia.

Kevin was the one who brought to his attention, years later, that if they really committed such criminal levels of identity theft, they should try to blend in more. It was right after his phone had suddenly come alive with Freddie Mercury singing, in the middle of a discussion with the sheriff.

"Good taste, no offense." Kevin had begun. "But you've gotta step it down, if you don't want to be noticed any more than you already do."

"He's right." Sam had joined in. "At least give up something. Nobody can get you to stop your vintage muscle car around, and she drives like a farm tractor on some roads, Dean."

"Shut your face, bitch." Dean had thrown back, instantly. "Kevin's obviously talking about your golden frigging mane, okay? Get the damn thing cut, and I'll look into silencers or whatever."

Of course, neither of those things ever happened, or would ever happen. But Dean did listen to their resident prophet, and change his ringtone to the Apple ringtone most important people have.

Instead of a legend singing at him, he got musical beeping in a ridiculously annoying rhythm. But it stuck.

It stayed, for good.

(Well, there was that one night, when they were all high in spirits and drunk in celebration, just Cas and him that too, and it had seemed genius to get Cas to record a message for his ringtone in his worst, deepest deadpan.

Cas was easily convinced - the terrific inebriation levels in both of them had to have helped, too - and Dean had woken up in the morning to his phone ringing in Cas's mechanical voice, except this time it was actually machine-driven. "Dean. Dean, pick up the phone. You're being called. You should pick up the phone, Dean. I think -" and Dean hadn't got to hear more of it, completely grizzled by sleep, because although he fucking loved Cas's unfairly hot voice most days, he'd snapped and picked up the phone - only to have Sam cackle at him from the other end and smugly ask him how he likes his new ringtone.

Maybe it had been Sam's idea, after all. Dean obviously would never recall, and the smartass must've known that. He knows all the kinds of drunk Dean can be.

Also, Cas did say 'Dean' a lot, didn't he? But that's a story for another time.)

That's all that can be said on the matter of ringtones. Dean goes back to the beeps soon enough - they're also kind of easy to get used to, he hadn't known that before. Sam has 'normal' ringtones too, and it's fun to try and guess whose - and which of their dozens of phones are ringing, especially on inventory days. They made it into a game years back.

Cas, on the other hand? He keeps his phone on vibrate, ever since Jack confided in him how cool it looked, when in the middle of a crowd, or a heated scene, no one notices but Cas feels the vibrations first, and noiselessly picks up his phone and begins to speak.

Like a spy who wears a secret headset, Jack had gone on to say. The perks of basically being a wave, Dean had scoffed, grinning still. He was supposed to be the cool dad. You get to hear all your fellow wavelengths.

Cas had just shrugged.

So on vibrate, it stayed - and no one really knows if Castiel even has a ringtone, let alone what it is. The vibration mode is a good enough explanation.

Dean, though, has a fairly good idea of what it might be.

After all, he was who Cas approached for help in retrieving it off Dean's own gift, into his phone's storage.

It's the twelfth song on the mixtape.

Ramble on.

***

Lucyyyy! This one's for you! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, and I know I'm late, oh so late, but you're very sweet to still allow me to give you a present ❣️✨ Hope you enjoy this, @all-or-nothing-baby, and everyone who reads this should go wish her a belated happy birthday~~<3

[mittensmorgul]

As Above, So Below

I’m still trying to pinpoint exactly why the focus on “heaven is fixed and actually a paradise now!” is just so deeply unsatisfying to me. And I think I need to preface this with a bit of backstory about me, because I think that gives the rest of this essay some relevant context.

I know this isn’t relevant to my main point here, but this is a metatextual and thematically identical example of the exact thing I’m gonna lay out, because context is always helpful. So please forgive this seemingly irrelevant detour, because I promise it will be relevant by the end.

(plus, would it really be an Essay By Mittens™ without at least one baffling tangent? no, it would not!)

Tangent time!

I think everyone that follows me knows how skeptical I was... or should I say how WARY I was of the way Eileen was returned to the narrative this season. We were warned in the PREVIOUS EPISODE how much Chuck was attempting to interfere in their lives. I was accused of some very nasty things, of hating the ship, or hating the character of Eileen, or of hating Sam and not wanting them to be happy. No amount of pointing at obvious warning signs in the text, no amount of yelling about Sam’s God Wound or the absolute klaxon warning that the wound had become “quiet” and his Chuck-O-Vision Nightmares had apparently stopped seemed to matter. I was declared “wrong” and told to shut up.

And then 15.09 happened, and basically everything I’d been wary of was shown to be what actually happened, but there were still unresolved issues. Eileen doubted her own feelings and walked away. She doubted what was actually real. And at the time, I said many times that I would be thrilled to see those issues resolved by the end of the season, and for her to truly know that what she’d felt growing between her and Sam was real. And by the end of the season, despite my personal horror at her previous situation (and having that personal horror compounded by the fandom literally gaslighting me and attempting to bully me into ignoring this basic actual plot detail of this specific growth process which... in the context of what my personal objection was to accepting her return at face value in the first place having been personal trauma associated with gaslighting and manipulation...) by the time 15.18 aired, I was 100% convinced that Sam and Eileen had fully chosen each other, and felt the traumatic pain Sam suffered during that text conversation with her during the snap. She NEEDED to come back, because she had been set up to be part of Sam’s Win. They were clearly each other’s future.

The show literally put in all the work to make even *me* feel this to be True and Right and Good. And then after that point we never even hear Eileen’s name again. We never were told that she was even returned at the end of 15.19. Sam, who had been so entirely devastated by her disappearance in the previous episode that he couldn’t even process it was apparently hit with an amnesia hammer and just... never even thought about her again through a long greyscale life with a blurry baby Dean factory vaguely in the background of a single scene of his life. I can’t credit or justify how after an entire year invested in making us all truly care about Sam and Eileen and the happiness they found in each other if only the cosmos would allow them to choose each other in the end would just... erase all of that in the series finale.

Which brings me to the second tangent, which is specifically about *me,* and how I feel about the cosmic order in the television show Supernatural. Because I feel a lot about it. Probably more than most people ever did. And this is also important to understanding the main underlying point I need to make here.

Something I’ve been most looking forward to, for YEARS, about Supernatural eventually ending someday was writing a book, or a thesis, or even just organizing and compiling all my observations into a cohesive narrative specifically about the cosmology of the Supernatural universe. I’ve been cobbling together my observations and realizations about the nature of heaven, hell, purgatory, the empty, the alternate universes we’ve seen, and yes, even the cosmic function of the mundane level of the story as told by events that transpired on Earth. So of everyone watching this dumb show for the last 15 years, I don’t actually know anyone who cared more that I did about finding a satisfactory resolution and transformation of every plane of existence-- the mortal world AND the “afterlife realms” we’ve experienced on this show. And in the wake of the finale, I feel cheated out of that. Because in the end, it wasn’t about the triumph of free will and a flip of the script, it was just more of the same.

And now that I have those two preliminaries out of the way, I’ll finally get to the point. :’D

(hooray, it didn’t even take 1k words to get there for once!)

The “main stage” of Supernatural has always been Earth. It’s always been “Humanity.” At the very start, we meet two men whose lives had always been dictated to them by higher powers. At first, that “higher power” was their father who raised them in his vengeance mission, who trained them to hunt the supernatural. It was the inciting incident of the entire series, after all, their realization that forces outside of their control had irrevocably altered the course of their lives. It had forever torn down what they’d trusted in family, in personal safety, and would become something they couldn’t outrun or fight back against for long before another wave of cosmic discord would settle over them once more.

We watched this story play out in ever increasing spheres of cosmic significance, until Gabriel laid it out on the table for them in the simplest possible terms (in 5.08).

GABRIEL: You do not know my family. What you guys call the apocalypse, I used to call Sunday dinner. That's why there's no stopping this, because this isn't about a war. It's about two brothers that loved each other and betrayed each other. You'd think you'd be able to relate. SAM: What are you talking about? GABRIEL: You sorry sons of bitches. Why do you think you two are the vessels? Think about it. Michael, the big brother, loyal to an absent father, and Lucifer, the little brother, rebellious of Daddy's plan. You were born to this, boys. It's your destiny! It was always you! As it is in heaven, so it must be on earth. One brother has to kill the other. DEAN: What the hell are you saying? GABRIEL: Why do you think I've always taken such an interest in you? Because from the moment Dad flipped on the lights around here, we knew it was all gonna end with you. Always. A long pause. SAM and DEAN look down, then at each other. DEAN: No. That's not gonna happen. GABRIEL: I'm sorry. But it is. GABRIEL sighs. GABRIEL: Guys. I wish this were a TV show. Easy answers, endings wrapped up in a bow...but this is real, and it's gonna end bloody for all of us. That's just how it's gotta be. ***

And isn’t that all even 1000x more painfully ironic that it all still happened even 10 years later? It was always going to end with them. And lol, “I wish this were a TV show” because if it was then it wouldn’t have to end bloody.

But this… was a Major Acknowledgement that the meta level of this story was consistent, and was telling us something important. It demonstrated that the Cosmic Structure Itself was the cause for Sam and Dean’s “destiny” in this story. But that’s not what the point of this story has ever been.

Nobody (including me, who is literally obsessed with this aspect of the story) has ever invested themselves in the narrative of Supernatural because they cared about the fate of the cosmic order over and above the fate of the characters who had committed to overthrowing it all, to “tearing up the pages” and writing their own destinies. I mean, we became invested because Sam, Dean, and Cas as characters took us by the hand and invited us to come along with them as they battled against fate for the good of EARTH and HUMANITY.

And certainly, Heaven being a horrific sort of eternal replay of the “highlights” of individual souls greatest hits, where free will didn’t apply as everyone was just boxed away into their individual holodecks to serve as some sort of giant Heaven Battery powering the furtherance of this narrative, this “cosmic order” that had become so powerful it dictated the events and manipulated the lives of people who still existed in the ostensible realm of free will and human life on Earth… that couldn’t stand in the end. But what the narrative (and people I’ve seen attempting to justify the finale as narratively sensible) seems to have forgotten was that all of that was Chuck’s construct to begin with. That without Chuck holding his kingdom in Heaven together, the walls of all those soul cubicles ceased to even be relevant.

After spending their entire lives to this point constantly fighting their way to the absolute pinnacle of the As Above, So Below narrative and pulling the plug on the original creator himself, Humanity should’ve triumphed. And I’d argue that it DID, through Jack restoring the missing essential “humanity” to the divine condition. And, silly me, I thought they’d achieved the promise of “paradise” heralded by Jack’s birth at last, and truly “flipped the entire script of the narrative.”

Ever since they thwarted the original apocalypse, I had hope that they would continue to achieve the same result right up the ladder. Metatron trying to fill the role of Chuck Junior hit his own narrative wall in TFW, while Dean’s battle with the Mark of Cain, and Cain telling him he was “living my life in reverse” and would succumb to destiny by killing his loved ones in the “reverse order” to Cain’s own path to downfall cemented this for me. Dean not only failed to kill any of his loved ones (you didn’t kill your own brother. why?), he SAVED them. He didn’t fulfil the prophecy in reverse, he subverted it. He UNMADE it.

Perhaps I was thinking on too grand a scale, that the ultimate inversion wouldn’t be “God is overthrown and replaced by more of the same,” but “God is overthrown and the entire order of the universe is restructured from the bottom up rather than the top down.

I’d hoped against hope that the conclusion of the narrative would be “As below, so above,” with the fundamental power of human love becoming the new foundation of the cosmic order. It never even occurred to me that “taking back the narrative to rewrite it for ourselves” was not the ultimate goal of Team Free Will, or the ultimate expression of their biggest win.

This whole “well heaven really needed to be rebuilt, there was still work to be done!” seems… irrelevant to me if they’d truly won free of the cosmic narrative. The entire structure of the universe-- including Heaven and Hell-- should’ve defaulted to the paradise state that Jack was literally born to bring to fruition. Wasn’t that the point of his entire role in the story, ultimately?

And if that wasn’t the case in the end, why did we never learn the fate of Hell? Was it just… irrelevant and unchanged after this? Or just… abandoned as a concept entirely? It’s just strange to me to put such a focus on heaven being the sole sphere of import in the end that it undercuts the essential humanity of the narrative for me.

The story itself had kept Heaven on a back burner for years, only occasionally mentioning that the structure of the place was falling further and further into disrepair with a dwindling force of angels struggling to keep the walls in place at all, that it seems like it could’ve been an afterthought at the end of the series rather than a focus so large it required the death of both main characters to make sure we all understood that Heaven Had Changed Now. Because TFW had never been fighting to make Heaven right. They’d been fighting to save the world itself, for humanity to all have a chance to live their lives as their own.

And we didn’t need to see that in the final hope they might get their own lives on Earth to explore. In the end, the fundamental narrative that Life On Earth was dictated by the cosmic structure of creation was never fully subverted. And for me, that’s the main reason I just… can’t accept the finale. It wasn’t a victory of free will and humanity, in the end it was just more of the same.

I appreciate the attempts to take the essential bones of the story we did get and apply a different polish to the surface of the skeleton, but to me it still feels like we’re looking at completely different beasts in the end. Like… to me this was as jarring a revelation as those drawing of modern animals reimagined as dinosaurs entirely based on their skeletons. Like, all along the narrative told me I was looking at a swan. They told me this skeleton they’re building out from is definitely a swan, without a doubt.  I know what a swan looks like-- a graceful feather-covered bird with magnificent wings. I trusted that in the end it would be at least remotely swan-looking. And then the finale ended up looking like this

and I just don’t even know where everything went so wrong. Or maybe all along I just assumed they actually knew what a swan looked like, but weren’t sure they could actually pull it off and settled for whatever the heck this is instead. Either way, I’m actually kinda grateful to the finale for being so entirely disappointing on every level, because otherwise I probably would’ve tried to adopt the monstrosity of it anyway. And I’m really, really glad I don’t have to.

[ladyofmaidensandwine]

Africa

Request for @linki-locks11

Request- “Say Sammy and Dean just finished up a case in Cape Town South Africa and Dean wants to check out the scene, que pub. Sammy meets reader at the pub and they spend a week or so together while Dean is happy checking out the babes. Then the dreaded call comes and they have to leave. Sammy promises to come back.”

I hope you enjoy this one- I had a bit of fun with it, so it isn’t exactly like the request, but I do think you’ll be pleased. 

Characters- Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester, Fem! South African! Reader

Wordcount- 1,139

              The hunt had been easy. The British Men of Letters had gotten word of a case in Cape Town, South Africa, involving an African trickster deity causing chaos, and naturally the Winchester brothers had gone. Sam would even say the hard part was getting Dean on the plane, and not killing a God. Celebratory drinks were in order, and they found themselves at a local seaside pub, most of the seating outdoors which was perfect for the clear night and crisp ocean air.

          Dean had almost immediately gone off to flirt with some woman at the other end of the pub, and Sam wasn’t about to interrupt. They had a week before they could catch a flight back to the USA, and he’d brought plenty of research to do. “Anansi, huh? Into African myths?” An accented female voice questioned.

               Sam went wide-eyed, whirling around to find the woman waiting patiently, albeit with an amused smirk, for his answer. “Oh, uh- yeah. My brother and I, we’re studying African legends.” Not entirely a lie, but her eyes narrowed slightly. “American?” She smiled. “It’s the accent.” She added by way of explanation. Sam smiled at that, nodding. “Can I sit?” “Yeah, sure.”

              It had been a long time since Sam had such good conversation with a woman, or anyone, really. Dean typically asked for the cliff-notes on whatever monster they faced, but Y/N was both knowledgeable and curious.  She gladly filled Sam in on plenty of the local lore, and listened intently when he told her about the different legends he was interested in. She was fun, and smart, and God, if she wasn’t beautiful.

              Y/N invited Sam to her home that night, and showed him her collection of books and oral histories spanning hundreds of years, before conversation turned into something more. Dean was the one to have one-night-stands with women, but Sam had a connection with Y/N from the start. They took walks on the beach, hiked into the wilderness, spent afternoons in her impressive library, could talk about anything and nothing and still be happy. 

        “Hey, Sam?” Y/N asked on their sixth day together, head resting on his chest. “Yeah?” “Are you leaving soon?” Sam paused before answering, considering his words carefully. “I have to, eventually, yes. Flight is at least three days from now.” Sam said quietly. “I’m just wondering, because I could really use help in the library. You know, a research partner.” Y/N shrugged, moving back as Sam sat up. “Y/N-” He sighed. “I know, you’ve got a life. You probably think I’m mental, huh? Getting attached to a man I’ve known for a week. Hell, I’d think I’m mental.” She snorted, shaking her head ruefully. “I don’t think you’re mental, Y/N. Maybe a little-” He cut off with a laugh when she smacked him with a pillow. “I deserved that. I don’t want to go, either. I really like you, Y/N.” Sam smiled sadly. “I really like you too, Sam.” Y/N replied, leaning over to meet him halfway for a slow, languid kiss, one she could feel all the way to her toes.

               Y/N took Sam to meet the tribe of people she got the various oral histories and traditions from. It was a long hike to the village, and Sam had been anxious at first when they seemed hesitant to let him in, but a few words from Y/N and they were welcoming Sam like an old friend. As he sat back and watched Y/N talk animatedly, hand gestures and facial expressions telling the story as much as her words, he smiled fondly. The children she was speaking to loved her, and seeing how they interacted, parents watching nearby and elders enjoying the tales she spun, Sam felt a longing for the apple pie life he almost had. He had let go of that dream a long time ago, but with Y/N, he finally felt freed of the countless weights resting heavy upon his shoulders. Unshackled, no longer the modern equivalent of Atlas. He was happy, and it felt natural, which was crazy, he knew, because they’d met a week ago, but Y/N felt like home. 

             Sam imagined just vanishing, sending Dean off at the airport, and going back to Y/N’s seaside house with it’s large porch, priceless library. Instead of searching for a way to kill some new and deadly creature, he could read lore for the fun of it, and they’d sit together and swap stories and theories. They’d take long hikes, and maybe Sam could finish up law school at the local university and become a lawyer to help protect the rights of the Cape Town residents. Too easily, Sam could picture an entire life with Y/N, one that ended with them both at old age and at peace. 

                   Sam ignored his brother’s urging to “Just hurry up, already, Sammy!” and took Y/N’s hands in his. Her palms were not nearly as calloused as his own, but her grip was firm and desperate. “I wish I could stay, I really do.” He sighed, searching her face. Her expression was sad, but accepting. She wouldn’t ask him to give up his life to move to another country for her, but a small part of Sam wished she would. “I know. It’s only been a week, but you really did a number on me, Sam. I’ll miss you.” Y/N smiled. The corner of Sam’s mouth turned up slightly, hazel eyes locked on hers. “Best week of my life.” He returned. She laughed, but it was sadder than her usual carefree laughter. “Here. This is for you- it’s all the stories I’ve written down from the local tribes and villages.” Y/N said, producing a thick book bound in patterned paper with her name in dark ink on the spine. Sam flipped through the pages, his smile growing as he read her now-familiar handwriting. “Thank you, Y/N. This is amazing.” Sam said sincerely. “This isn’t goodbye, okay? I mean that. I’ll come back, as soon as I can.” Sam promised, the honesty in his voice enough to melt Y/N’s resolve. “I’ll hold you to that, Sam. Let’s call it a ‘see you later’, then.” She joked, eyes warm. “I can work with that.” Sam smirked. He leaned in, their height differences making them laugh for a moment, and kissed her deeply. Vaguely, Sam recognized Dean shouting again, but raised a hand in a vulgar gesture in his general direction. The kiss left both feeling breathless, and Y/N huffed a quiet laugh, Sam’s hands cupping her cheeks gently. “See you later, Y/N.” Sam smiled. “Later.” She echoed.

                    Sam watched her figure grow smaller and smaller until it faded away along with the shoreline of Cape Town, melting into the blazing reds and oranges of the African sunset, and knew in his heart he’d someday return.

TAGS-

@linki-locks11​

[chipper9906]

And Then You Were Gone, In A Rush Of Colors

Pairing: Castiel/Dean Winchester

Rating: General Audiences

Word Count: 6105

WARNINGS: Major Character Death (Temporarily), Violence, Blood

Status: Oneshot- Complete

Summary: He hadn't noticed, at first. Not until he stumbled back slightly away from Castiels body, eyes fixating on the open wound from the angel blade, and realising with a sickening horror that it was no longer a dark gray.

It was striking, so vibrant that it demanded his attention.

'This is red.'

Set during Episode 3 of Season 9, "I'm No Angel", in an alternate universe where you see colors the first time you touch your soulmate.

* * *

Dean never really liked the concept of having a soulmate. Except, that wasn't entirely true. He ate that shit up as a kid, seeing the happiness that radiated off his parents whenever they were together, his mom ensuring him that "Someday, you'll have that with your soulmate. And you'll be so happy to have found them, that you probably won't even notice the colors."

The colors...

How could he not notice them, if they were to appear? Nearly forty years of living on an Earth that consisted solely of different shades of a muted gray, he was fairly certain he'd take notice of seeing everything in a completely different way, no matter how happy he was feeling.

When he had asked a hunter that had found his soulmate what it was like out of plain curiosity, it was hard not to get frustrated at his attempts at explaining it. It wasn't his fault, of course. How do you describe something that the other person has never seen?

Obviously, it's not all about the colors. No, that was just a side part of what was really happening.

Meeting your soulmate, for the very first time.

Two souls destined to become entwined, finally being joined together. Like the final piece of a puzzle, where everything falls into place.

In his teenage years, the idea didn't appeal to him all that much. Despite being told countless times how his soulmate would be the perfect person for him, the idea that the person he is to spend the rest of his whole life with was already chosen for him seemed completely unfair. It would become such a huge part of his life, shouldn't he get to decide who he loves?

That wasn't the biggest problem, though. The problem was, as much as he hated to admit it, the thought of having a soulmate was terrifying to him. Not when he finds them, but when he loses them.

Because in their line of work, it's inevitable. Getting close to someone is a risky game that almost always ends in death and suffering.

The first time he had seen the effects of losing your soulmate was with his dad. He barely has any memories of his father before Mary was so untimely ripped away from him. He does remember how different his dad felt after. It became a rarity to see him smile, and he became cold and distant, even to his own sons. He no longer had the comforting touch of a loving wife, and now the only respite he found was at the bottom of a bottle.

Dean has already lost people he cared about, was keenly aware of the pain that brought on. But he knew that it wouldn't even begin to compare to the pain he would feel in losing his soulmate, and he just doesn't think he would have the emotional capacity to deal with it. He would fall right into the steps of his father; a bitter, ageing man who no longer had a purpose in his life than that of revenge.

Sometimes, he isn't sure whether seeing what happened to Sam with Jess validated his opinion more, or made him see the other side to having a soulmate. After all, he'd be blind not to see just how happy Jessica made Sam. He could feel it radiating off of his little brother the second he introduced him to Jess, and it had pained Dean slightly to see how happy Sam had been without him.

Once, and only once, when they had both had a bit too much to drink, Dean had asked Sam what it was like to have a soulmate.

"It was kind of like... I don't know, like being with them was as natural as breathing. Like you had already known them your whole life."

Dean had never regretted asking a question as much as when he asked Sam if he had a favorite color, as the smile on his face as he reminisced about his time with Jess dropped from his face.

"Yellow. It was the first color I noticed. It was bright and just... there. Screaming at you to notice. It was..." Sam trailed off slightly, bringing the bottle of beer up to his lips and drinking deeply from it. "It was the last color to go, faded with all the others not long after..."

Dean didn't need to hear the rest.

Seeing other people, strangers, out on the streets with their soulmate, seeing how blissfully happy they were would always ignite a deeply buried part of Dean that yearned for that kind of connection. But it was buried down for a reason, as he had come to accept that the negatives far outweighed the positives, especially for a hunter.

Now, every fleeting touch from a stranger that passed by, every accidental brush of a hand from a witness or an officer, every person he fell into bed with, he hoped that there would be no flash of color, no sudden spark of realization. He hoped that he would live the rest of his life in gray.

Then again, he is Dean Winchester. It seemed that God himself had it out for him, because his worst nightmare came true in the cruelest way that even he couldn't have seen coming.

To say that the past few weeks had been an emotional roller-coaster would be an understatement. First, finding out that the trials of heaven were going to kill Sammy, trying to stop Sam before he finished the last trial, only to realize the damage had already been done. And all at the same time, seeing the angels be cast down from heaven onto earth, feeling the dread in the pit of his stomach that one of them could be Cas.

As it turned out, it would have been easier. It felt like he was being pulled apart by fear. The fear of knowing that without some sort of miracle, that Sam wasn't going to make it. Then there was the other overwhelming fear, the fear that there was a reason that Castiel wasn't responding to his prayers.

Just... Not the reason he was expecting. Human. Castiel was human now. Human, and very alone. He wouldn't be able to zap on over to them in a millisecond as he once did. Metatron had spat him out in the middle of nowhere, and it killed Dean that he couldn't just drop everything to go find him and bring him home. No, he couldn't do that to Sammy. Not when he was hanging onto life by a thread.

If he was being honest with himself, he wasn't sure why he was praying to Castiel in the first place. It had become a sort of reflex to him how, whenever facing something that seemed out of his control.

Castiel was an angel. A soldier of God. He had fought tooth and nail through hell, to drag Dean's soul out of there. He had patched Dean's soul back together, knitted his ripped apart body back together, and placed his soul back where it belonged.

Castiel was pure power. Almost like a 'fix it' button, where having him nearby automatically made him feel safer, knowing that an angel had his back.

Then again, even if Castiel was still an angel, would he have been able to heal Sam? Castiel had said it himself, the trials were damaging Sam in a way that even he couldn't fix. So if that was the case, what was there left to do? What could he possibly do, to save the life of his little brother?

As he had said, only a miracle could save Sam now. Praying to the other angels was a risky move, considering he had managed to single-handedly piss nearly all of them off by putting a stop to the apocalypse. Who knew that putting a wrench in God's plan would anger a bunch of all-mighty beings whose only purpose was to serve God?

But then, the miracle was received, his prayer had been answered. An angel; Ezekiel, had taken pity on him. Knowing how angels actually were (Especially when he thought back to the way Castiel was the first few months he knew him), having an angel willing to help was... Very un-angel like.

Still, he wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth. If this angel said he would be able to save Sam, he had to take that chance, right? Even if it meant tricking his little brother into letting Ezekiel in, that was just a sacrifice that had to be made. He would take a pissed off Sam over a dead Sam any day.

For the first time in a long time, things were looking up. There was still the stress and worry in the back of his mind that Castiel had yet to find his way to the bunker, especially considering he had no way of contacting Cas. Despite that, Sam was getting better. Sam's coughing fits were now far and few between, and he no longer saw that dark stain on Sam's tissues that he knew to be blood. Once Sam was well enough again, they'd finally be able to go and find Cas, no problem.

Except, it doesn't work that way. Not when Ezekiel is telling him that Castiel is now a wanted man. That now the angels on earth, filled with fury at being kicked from their home, are pinning the blame solely on Castiel. They want their revenge, and Dean would be scared for him even if he was still an angel.

But he's not. Castiel is out God knows where, as mortal as they are, possibly with no idea that there are a group of seriously ruffled angels after him.

So that's how they find themselves where they are now, racing towards the room they had been told where Castiel is, with no clue if they were too late. If the reaper had gotten to him before they could.

There's no time to lose. The two of them come to a skidding halt in front of the door, and Dean brings up a foot to kick harshly at the weak spot beside the handle to the door. The wood splinters and shrieks from the force, flinging open and nearly rebounding into the both of them as they charge through.

Dean was certain he had never had a feeling of relief taken from him as quickly as he had. The few seconds he caught a glimpse of Castiel, admittedly looking a little worse for wear, but alive. Then, his gaze had slipped over to the red-headed reaper crouched over him, angel-blade still firmly grasped in her hand.

"Cas?!"

The relief was yanked away before the blade had even pierced Castiel’s abdomen.

Charging at her doesn't get him far. Well, not towards her, anyway. Her hand is in the air, and then so is he, catching himself on the top of the kitchen counter before slamming into the wall, sliding back down to the floor. Through his disorientation, he sees a flash of movement where Sam tries the exact same thing as him, only to get the same treatment. Sam sails through the air, crashing into the closet on the other side and disappearing into a pile of neatly hung clothes and shattered wood panels.

The reaper kicks away the angel blade he had dropped, and he knows she's saying something, but he isn't listening. He's solely focused on being as quiet as he can, sneaking closer and closer and as she moves towards Sam.

Something shiny glints out of the corner of his eye, and he sees the handle of the angel blade sticking out from Cas. His heart constricts painfully at the sight, but now is not the time.

Now, this bitch has to die.

He yanks the blade out of Cas, holding it tightly in his hand as he approaches. Watching her strike Sam in the face once he struggles to his feet only adds fuel to the fire, making it all too satisfying to see the shock in her face when he pushes that blade right through her stomach, watching the bright flash of light pour from her entire slowly fade away.

He can barely hear anything through the sound of his blood pounding in his ears, staring down at the reaper's body with complete disdain. It's like a painful electric shock when he remembers why they're there, head snapping over to Castiel, hanging onto the foolish hope that he might have survived.

"Cas?" Dean asks, the blade slipping from his fingers and dropping to the floor, racing over to Castiel’s side.

"Cas?" He tries again, this time louder, as if calling his name louder might wake him up. He lifts his arms up, splaying out his hands on Castiel’s shoulders before moving them up to grasp desperately at his face, searching for any sign of life. A twitch of a muscle, the rise and fall of his chest, anything.

"Cas!"

His voice breaks as his throat tightens, the realization he had tried so hard to force away beginning to sink in.

That's when it happens.

He hadn't noticed, at first. Not until he stumbled back slightly away from Castiel’s body, eyes fixating on the open wound from the angel blade, and realizing with a sickening horror that it was no longer a dark gray.

It was striking, so vibrant that it demanded his attention. 'This is red' his mind helpfully supplies as he stared down at Castiel, dumbstruck by what he was seeing.

Castiel’s skin was no longer a light shade of white, now replaced by a tan color that, as he looks down at his own hands in shock, realizes it is nearly the same as his own, if not slightly darker.

In normal circumstances, he would be taking in his surroundings, drinking in all the new pleasing visuals, matching names to colors for the first time in his life.

That's not what he's thinking about right now. Right now, it's the gut-wrenching, heart punching fact that for the past five years, his soulmate was standing right in front of him, unbeknownst to the both of them.

Angels were never assigned a soulmate because, well, they don't have souls. But then Cas became human, and he must have developed his own soul. Or perhaps this was God's plan all along, for Cas to be the exception? The one angel to be given a soul.

After all this time, it was his best friend he was destined to spend the rest of his life with.

And now, Cas was gone.

He had always told himself that he didn't want a soulmate. That it simply wasn't worth the pain. Now, he wished he had known sooner. He wished the world had bloomed into color the second he pushed that blade into Castiel’s heart, the first time they met. Even if it made losing him all the more painful, what hurt more was knowing that all this time, he could have been with his soulmate.

It was too cruel, for him to find out the truth after Castiel had already been taken away from him.

"No..." Dean whispers in disbelief, standing up and taking a few unsteady steps backwards.

Already, the colors were beginning to fade. He hadn't had them for long, and yet, he could still see that his vision had begun to change. They were still there, but not as... Demanding. Not as there, in your face. They were beginning to dull, and Dean knew it wouldn't be long before everything returned to the murky shades of gray, black and white.

Something shuffles around over to the side, and he glances over to see that Sam had managed to get to his feet, staring down at Castiel’s body, laid out on the armchair. Dean's vision is brought back to Castiel, such a painful thing to see, yet he can't find it in himself to look away.

"Sam, he's gone," Dean tells him, and saying it out loud only seems to make it feel all the more real, does nothing but make the heartache in his chest grow stronger.

Sam moves forward, towards Castiel’s body, and drops down to his knees as Dean had, earlier before. Dean briefly wonders if Sam needs the time to mourn as he does, but then looks to Sam in utter confusion when he gently holds a hand over Castiel’s body.

In the commotion of everything, he had somehow almost forgotten that there was an angel taking shelter inside his brother. Watching an angel heal is still such a miraculous sight as it was the first time he saw it, the cuts and open stab wounds seemingly being erased, replaced by smooth, untouched skin.

As the last of the cuts disappear from Castiel’s body, Sam suddenly bolts up to his feet, stumbling backward at the movement and crashing back into the wall, collapsing down to the floor. There's a few seconds where he watches Sam in complete bewilderment before the concern for his brother wins out, taking a few steps towards him with his arms outstretched.

"Dean..."

So many times he had heard that deep, gravelly voice calling his name. He had heard it yelled in fury or in panic, heard it muttered in frustration, and heard it spoken in the most uninterested, monotone angel tone, back when Cas still followed the rules to a tee.

Hearing Cas his soulmate call his name now, had never sounded better.

"Hey... Hey! Yeah..." He spluttered out, rushing back over to Cas side and placing his hand on Cas side once again, letting it slide down to his leg as he takes in Castiel’s confused expression.

Castiel’s eyes go wide as he stares up at Dean, then snapping over to Sam's unconscious form on the floor nearby.

"And Sam." Castiel finishes, looking back to Dean, still with the wide-eyed expression on his face.

It suddenly hits Dean that maybe, Castiel was seeing everything in color for the first time, and he can't even begin to imagine how confused Castiel must be feeling right now, not only having no idea why he's suddenly seeing in color, but also how in the hell he's even alive right now.

Though, judging by the way he's looking at Dean, eyes darting down to the hand resting on his leg, he seems to be starting to figure the former out.

"Cas...? " Sam says in confusion, his expression matching his voice. "You're okay?"

Castiel doesn't seem to know how to answer that, remaining silent as he looks up to Dean, trying to figure out how he was okay after being stabbed through the stomach by April. It happened, he knew it had happened. He felt the agonizing, fiery pain as it pierced through his body, and within seconds, it was gone. Everything was gone.

Castiel couldn't help but feel slightly puzzled when Dean pushes up and away from him, his worried expression changing into a hardened, much more familiar guarded expression he was used to seeing from Dean.

As it turns out, Dean was right. Losing his soulmate had been one of the more incredibly painful moments of his life. And now that he had gone through it, he never, ever wanted to experience it again.

"Never do that again!" He demands, keeping his voice low and scratchy as not to reveal how vulnerable he was feeling right now.

Castiel blinks up at him in bewilderment before answering with a somewhat unsure sounding "Alright."

Not exactly the answer Dean was hoping for, but at this point, he was way too relieved to care all that much. He takes a slight step back, wiping a hand down his face as if he could wipe away the leftover adrenaline with it. There was a lot they were going to have to talk about, especially considering Castiel might not even know that he is his soulmate. It must be quite a shock to Castiel, both coming back to life and suddenly seeing everything in color, especially since no angel had ever had a soulmate before.

Once he drops his hand back down from his face, Dean notices that Castiel is still staring at him, as if he's seeing him for the first time in his life. It was starting to make Dean feel uncomfortable, seeing the way Castiel seemed to be analyzing every inch of him, his eyes frequently darting back to study his face.

"Cas, you... Stupid question, but you alright buddy?"

Castiel keeps staring at him for a few more seconds before he opens his mouth to answer. He doesn't speak right away, instead closing his mouth again and swallowing deeply, not taking his eyes off Dean's face as he finally responds.

"Your eyes..." Castiel murmurs in amazement, the faintest of a smile twitching at the corner of his lips. "They're green..."

A bark of laughter escapes Dean, relief bubbling from him after all that tension, all that terror. He shakes his head slightly, chuckling fondly at the gobsmacked sounding tone of Castiel’s voice.

His laughter slowly begins to die off, though he still has a small smile on his face, matching the one Castiel was giving him in return. At the same time, he racked his brain to figure out a way to bring up, well, this.

He wasn't sure if it had always been there between the two of them, if he had never noticed or perhaps, pretended not to notice it. But now, knowing that Castiel was his soulmate, it felt impossible to ignore. He wondered if Castiel felt it too, struggling to imagine any kind of situation where Castiel had felt it in the past.

But now, seeing the way Castiel was looking at him, he knew something had changed.

"Dean..."

'Screw words' is what briefly flutters through his mind as he drops back down in front of Castiel, grasping the sides of his face in his hands and kissing him for all he's got. He's well aware of the fact that Sam is still in the room, having seen him struggle back to his feet a few moments before.

Castiel’s eyes briefly widen at this as his hands shoot up to grab at Dean's arms that were still holding his face, feeling quite dumbstruck by what was happening. Something that he never thought could happen between him and Dean.

His fingers loosen their death grip in Dean's jacket, knuckles no longer as tight and wound up, relaxing into a softer hold. He can feel the slight tremor of Dean's muscles under his skin, still shaking from everything that had happened.

A somewhat awkward-sounding cough breaks them apart, and they both look over to a red-faced Sam, who is staring down at the floor as if there was nothing more important right now than the state of his shoes.

"Apologies, Sam." Castiel is first to break the silence, seeing that Dean was trying his best not to laugh at the unapologetic sounding apology, even though he was feeling a little bit embarrassed himself.

"Yeah, uh, sorry Sammy." Dean adds onto the apology.

"It's just uh..." Dean looks out to the window, a new color catching his eye. Almost immediately, he realizes which one it is, and turns back to his brother with a grin. "I can see why yellow was your favorite color"

Dean wished he had a camera on him right at that time to record Sam's reaction. First, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion along with his tilted head, and Dean could physically see the gears turning in his head. Better yet was when it all clicked into place, mouth dropping open slightly, eyebrows no longer furrowed but instead raised up near to his hairline, eyes following his own finger which was switching between pointing at Dean, and then Castiel.

"You... Cas... Is he your..."

"You know Sam, it quite interesting how similar, yet also so different your eyes are to Dean’s. The base color is the same, and yet... I can see Dean’s in them, but at the same time, they're very much your own." Castiel notes, always the observant one.

"Huh," is all Sam can say to that, huffing out a laugh, looking up at the ceiling in exasperation. "Guess I owe Charlie twenty bucks now."

Before Dean even has a chance to ask what that even meant, Sam began to sway on the spot, quickly shooting a hand to steady himself on the wall behind. Dean was up from his crouched position in a flash, holding out his own arm for support if Sam needed it. It's only a few seconds before Castiel is by his side, concern on his face as he watches Sam try to blink away his incoming unconsciousness.

"Sammy?" Dean asks worriedly, ready to catch Sam if he was to drop to the floor.

"I'm okay. I'm okay... Just... A little wiped out. Think I hit my head pretty hard when that reaper threw me." Sam reassured them, raising a hand to his throbbing head as he spoke.

"C'mon, shake it off man. Cas got stabbed and he walked it off." Dean attempted to joke, though fails to deliver the line as well as he usually would through his concern.

"Yeah... How did you walk that off?" Sam asked, pushing himself back up and away from the wall, keeping one arm pressed against the wall, just in case. "We both saw it. You looked... You looked pretty dead to me."

"I don't know what happened," Castiel answered honestly, glancing down at his own bare chest and stomach, which was no longer littered with cuts.

"I felt April stab me, and then... Then I was awake."

"Hey, as long as you're alive, and you're you, I'm not going to question it too much," Dean deflected their questions, resting a hand on Castiel’s shoulders and giving it a fond squeeze. "You have no idea how glad I am to have you back."

Sam's pained groan snaps the two of them out of their gaze, gentle smiles replaced with worried frowns as Sam rubs at his painful head.

"I think... I think I need to go lie down for a while. I'm not feeling too hot." Sam mumbles to them, already stumbling past them and towards the door.

"Sammy," Dean calls after him, pulling Baby's keys out of his pocket and tossing them to Sam, who had stopped and turned in the doorway.

"Get yourself settled. Me 'n Cas need to talk for a bit." Dean instructs, gesturing at the dead body of April and the mess they had made in the scuffle.

Sam gives him a thankful, but weak smile in response, tucking the keys away in his pocket before making his way out of the room, heavy footsteps leading away through the hall before becoming too quiet to hear.

Now, it was just the two of them. Castiel has a hand on his own arm as he shuffled somewhat awkwardly on his feet, trying to figure out how best to approach the subject and break the silence they had found themselves in. Dean meanwhile was stuck between looking at Castiel and the dead reaper on the ground, a million questions in his head, no idea which one he should ask first.

"So, uh... We gonna talk about this?" Dean asked, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck.

"We probably should."

"You're gonna have to give me a minute here. It’s... A lot to take in."

"I don't really understand what's happening myself. Angels were never supposed to have soulmates."

"But you're not-"

"Not an angel anymore. But Dean, I'm not the first angel to lose their grace and turn mortal. It’s rare, and usually kept quiet, but it's happened. Never, in any of those times, has the angel been given a soulmate. It just... Doesn't happen."

"So, what does this mean? Do you have a soul now? Can that even happen?"

"I... I suppose I do. After all, it's not possible to have a soulmate without one." Cas summarised, placing a hand on his chest as if he might be able to feel his soul residing inside him.

"Wow. First angel to have a soulmate," Dean said with a small huff of laughter, giving Castiel a teasing shove on his shoulder. "Sorry I was the one chosen for you."

Castiel looked up to Dean with a confused frown, rearing his head back slightly at the insult Dean had just given to himself.

"Why would you be sorry?" Castiel asked

"Eh, well," Dean began awkwardly, shrugging his shoulders. "It's not exactly like you were expecting a soulmate, y'know? Must be kinda disappointing to find out it's me."

"Dean... What are you talking about?" Castiel asked, stepping slightly closer to Dean. "I wish you could see your soul as I once could. To see how bright it shines, how beautiful it is. If you could see it, you would know you’re wrong. You're a good man, Dean. I couldn't have asked for a better soulmate."

Dean looked taken aback by Castiel’s words, head snapping up from the ground to lock eyes with Castiel, looking to see how sincere Castiel was being with his words.

"If anything, I should be the one apologizing." Castiel added.

"What?"

"Dean, we both know you never wanted a soulmate. You were quite vocal about it. I'm not an idiot Dean, I know I don't fit into the category of your usual romantic endeavors, so I'm sure I wasn't what you were expecting. Besides, I..."

Castiel trailed off, an ashamed and infuriated look appearing on his face.

"I'm no use to you now. To either of you. My powers are gone, and now... I can barely take care of myself. I've only been human for a few weeks, and I already managed to get tricked and tortured by a reaper.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is... I understand. If you're not interested in... If you don't want me as your soulmate, I'll understand."

Castiel was expecting Dean to look relieved at this, perhaps even happy to hear he didn't have to be pressured into anything. To his surprise, Dean actually looked pained at his words. He could see his jaw shifting in place, and wondered if he was trying to work up the courage to say something, or if he was perhaps grinding his teeth.

The last thing he was expecting was for Dean to tug at his arms, pulling him forward into his chest. Dean wrapped his arms tight around Castiel’s back, knowing he wouldn't be ready to let go for a while. Castiel was warm against him, and he could feel the faint beat of his heart through his chest. A heart that, not too long ago, had stopped beating. The thought makes him tighten his hold.

It takes Castiel a few shell shocked moments to remember it was customary in these kinds of moments to hug back. He uncertainty lifts his arms up, deciding to match Dean's position and wrap them around Dean's back. He can feel the tightness of Dean's back muscles under his fingers, but they seem to soften a little once Castiel places his hands over them. Cas can't help but smile a little at this, feeling as if he still had a bit of the healing touch he once had as an angel.

"I don't care if you're an angel, or if you're human. I don't care if you can't do all the things you did for us before. That's not what I care about. I care about you, Cas. Not what you can do for us." Dean tells him, letting his hands slide from Castiel’s back to his arms as he pulls away from the hug, keeping a light hold on his hands. "I don't need you because of your power. I need you. I need you in that stupid trench coat and tie. I need you and your crazy obsession with bees. I need you and your compassion for humans. I need you and your rebellious nature. I need my best friend. I need my soulmate."

And before Castiel can get anything out in response, Dean gives him a warm smile, tugging him towards the door of the room.

"C'mon, Cas. Let's go home."

- - -

It wasn't all smooth sailing from there, as it never is. Dean knew the angels were still out there, still angry, searching high and low for Cas. Ezekiel knew it too, and it wasn't all that surprising that he brought it up one morning, demanding that Castiel had to leave for all of their safety.

Dean knew there was a time when he would have caved in. Ezekiel may have been the only thing holding his brother together right now, and there was no way he was going to gamble on his brother's life.

Things were different now, though. Dean had a soulmate now, how could he possibly abandon Cas to face the angels on his own? Ezekiel always sort of seemed like a no-nonsense kind of angel, so Dean had thought the best approach would be to present as much evidence as possible in Cas' defense. Even Ezekiel couldn't deny that it had been impossible for him to locate Castiel with his Enochian warding tattoo, and Dean brought up how impossible it would be to find Castiel, combining that with, not only how difficult it was to find the bunker, but also how damn near impenetrable the thing was.

That wasn't what swayed him, though. He had never really thought to bring up the whole soulmate thing with Ezekiel, and Ezekiel looked just as confused as they did when they found out, citing that it was impossible and that it had never happened before.

But as Dean began to explain further, he could have sworn he could see a flash of hope in Sam’s Ezekiel's eyes, the first sort of emotion he had ever seen from the angel. He wasn't too sure why until Ezekiel began talking about how it must have been a sign of God, how else would an angel have miraculously developed their own soul, then been given a soulmate?

Dean wasn't all that sold on the idea, finding it hard to believe that the big man upstairs had any interest in the two of them, let alone the fact that he was fairly certain God wasn't even home anymore.

Then again, Ezekiel had a point. If God is the only being that can create a soul, as the angels claimed, then how else did Cas get his soul? And if God did, how far back did this go? If he had been destined a soulmate since birth, was he also Castiel’s since creation? Did God pair them together, billions of years before he was even born? Was it part of God's plan all along, for Castiel to lose his grace, and to become human?

He didn't really know what to think. It was almost too much to think, and quite frankly, he didn't want to argue with Ezekiel about it. Not if it meant that Cas got to stay, here, at home, with Dean, where he should be.

One of the reasons why Dean was so unsure about having a soul mate was that he feared everything would change. He thought that the moment he saw his soulmate, he would be desperate to get out of the hunter's life and settle down like all the others, to go and find that white picket fence, apple pie slice of domestic life.

It's not what happened, however. Everything is pretty much as it was. But now, now there's one more addition to the bunker. Now, he has a second person to help fret over Sam with. Now, there's another voice, this one much gravelier, humming along to whatever song is playing on the old, crackly radio in the kitchen as he cooks. Now, there are warm touches and fond smiles whenever they see each other. Life is as it always is, but now, he has his soulmate. Now, he's happier.

One night, after a filling meal of burgers, as they lazed around the bunkers table with beers in their hands and their stomachs, Sam had asked him that now he could see them, what his favorite color was.

There was barely any hesitation for him, barely any time he needed to think. He simply looked over to Castiel, reaching out for his hand under the table, smiling affectionately at the man next to him before answering.

"Blue."

[peacockwinchester]

Crowley x Winchester! Author

Unrequested

Help, I'm beginning the Crowley craze. I have a oneshots book on Wattpad and it's got a good variety of my characters, but... So much Crowley. I mean. I love him. All the time. Beautiful man. (I simp for this man, and yes, I am aware how bottom-energy I am) Also this is my first oneshot using my new name! I get so giddy when I refer to myself as Misha. I wish people would actually use it in real life😢

~Misha~

My brothers and I were backed into a corner. We hadn't planned for someone other than Guy. Guy was currently choking Dean, but I was too dizzy to get up for a second. When I did try to get up, I was thrown back by Guy's intern. I would be bruised if I lived through this, and I had a lot of cuts from glass and the corners of tables. I blinked, watching Sam choking, wishing I could just stop that damn intern. Then, the intern flashed out, Ruby's knife protruding from his stomach. He fell forward.

Becky stood where the intern had just been, looking a little shocked.

"Whoa..." She said quietly.

Sam grabbed the blade and tossed it to Dean, who held it to Guy's throat. I got to my feet, a bit shaky from being thrown by thin air.

"How many deals do you have running here?" I asked, knowing Guy was now backed into the corner we'd just been in.

"Fifteen," Guy replied.

"Well, call them off, or I'll cut my own loophole in your throat," Dean growled.

"Oh, crap..." Guy muttered, eyes widening.

"Yeah, you said it," Dean grinned, "You're in a world-"

He was cut off by the sight of Crowley. My heart skipped a beat. It had been too long since I saw my boyfriend. Of course, no one knew he was my boyfriend, so I couldn't convey my excitement.

"Hello, boys," Crowley smiled at my brothers, before catching my eye discreetly.

Dean moved, so he was facing Crowley. Crowley, smiled at Sam.

"Sam, mazel tov. Who's the lucky lady?" He asked.

"You're Crowley!" Becky gasped.

"And you're- well, I'm sure you have a lovely personality, dear," Crowley replied.

I sighed. I didn't understand why people had to be so mean to Becky. I mean, I would never forgive her for roofie-ing my baby brother, but she was lonely, I guessed. I knew what that was like.

"Ah, another step and I'll Colombian necktie your little friend here," Dean warned.

"Please, don't let him get off that easy," Crowley scoffed.

I could see he was enjoying the opportunity to show me hiw he ran his kingdom. He liked to show off. I guessed that it also might be a hint that I would have to do this someday, but that was a long way off, and I didn't want to see things that weren't there.

"Sir, I don't think that you-" Guy started to give an excuse.

"I know exactly what you've been doing," Crowley glanced down at the intern's body, "A little birdie named Jackson sold you out, emailed all the juicy deets to my suggestion box. I assume that's my whistle-blower? Shame. Had a future. Unfortunately, you don't."

"I was just-" Guy started, sounding like a middle-schooler trying to get out of a detention.

"There's only one rule: make a deal, keep it," Crowley shut him down.

"Well, technically I didn't-"

"There's a reason we don't call our chits in early- consumer confidence. This isn't Wall Street! This is Hell! We have a little something called integrity! This gets out, who'll deal with us? Nobody! Then where are we?!"

"I don't know..."

"That's right. You don't. Because you're a stupid, shortsighted little prat. Now, hand tha jackass over. I'll cancel every deal he's made."

"What are you gonna do with him?" Dean asked.

"Make an example of him. Fair trade, right? We all go our separate ways. No harm done," Crowley answered.

"What, out of the goodness of your heart?" Sam scoffed.

"Guys-" I tried.

"Shush, Misha," Dean said.

"Years of demons nipping at your heels, haven't seen one for months. Wonder why?" Crowley scowled at my brothers.

"We've been a little busy," Dean said.

"Hunting Leviathan- yes, I know. That's why I told my lads to stay clear of you meatheads," Crowley locked eyes with me, silently telling me he was helping my brothers because of me.

"So, what do you know about-" Sam began to ask.

"Too much," Crowley stopped him. "You met that dick yet? Smuggest tub of goo since Mussolini. I hate the bastards. Squash 'em all, please. I'll stay clear."

I giggled at the comparison to Mussolini. Crowley looked back at me.

"What?" he frowned.

"Nothing. Just. I never thought I'd hear that from you," I quickly plastered on my "Winchester face".

"Please!" Crowley rolled his eyes, trying to look mad at me.

"Rip up the contracts first," Dean ordered.

Crowley snapped his fingers.

"Done... And done. Your turn," he said.

"No, nonono, let-" Guy started to plead.

Dean let go of Guy, shoving him towards Crowley. Guy straightened up awkwardly, clearly panicked in front of his boss.

"Pleasure, gentlemen. Misha," Crowley gave me a small smirk.

With that, he and Guy were gone. I felt the tension dissipate. Becky glanced over at me with a look I couldn't read.

~

Dean and I stood to the side as Sam and Becky signed the annulment. My phone rang. Dean looked down at me. I checked the caller ID. It was Crowley.

"Uh, old friend. Gotta take this," I gestured to the door before heading into the hallway.

Dean frowned a bit, but didn't question me. I shut the door to Becky's apartment behind me, picking up the call.

"Hello, darling," Crowley's voice said.

"Hi," I smiled.

It had been over a year, but I still got butterflies when he called me that.

"Are you in a good spot?" he asked.

"Good enough. Sammy's getting annulled in there. I told Dean it was an old friend," I shrugged.

Crowley suddenly appeared in front of me, phone still in hand. I smiled, hanging up.

"Old friend, huh?" he raised an eyebrow.

"What, can't I have normal friends?" I asked, playfully.

"I'm just saying, it doesn't seem very believable."

"I don't care. I haven't seen you in forever!"

"Your fault, not mine."

"I know, I know. Leviathans are just... Tricky. And time-consuming. We still have no idea how to gank their asses..."

Crowley frowned at my frustration.

"Don't think about that now. Let's just enjoy each other's company," he said.

"You're right, as always," I smiled gratefully.

Crowley wrapped me in his arms, a little awkwardly at first. I took in the smell of his cologne, which was way too expensive. Everything he owned was worth more than me. Crowley looked down at me, a funny look on his face.

"What?" I frowned.

"What's this?" He gently touched a cut on my forehead from last night.

"Just a cut, why?" I asked.

"He hurt you," Crowley furrowed his brow.

"Yeah? Pretty much everyone does. Sometimes even my own brothers."

"He hurt you. I'm going to torture him even more, the dick."

"Crow, you don't have to, everyone-"

"Misha, that doesn't condone it! I have just as much desire to murder your brothers as the people who've tried to kill you!"

I looked at him, a little surprised he cared so much. It was a surprise, but I liked it. It felt good that he cared what happened to me. I kissed his cheek.

"What was that for?" Crowley asked, still a little worked up.

"Thanks. For caring," I smiled.

"Well, I'm supposed to. Here," he touched the cut, healing it instantly.

"Thanks..."

"Of course."

He leaned down to place a kiss on my lips. His beard tickled my face. I pulled back, laughing a little.

"What is it now?" he sighed.

"Your beard tickles," I grinned.

"It does?" Crowley frowned.

"No, I like it! I like it a lot," I poked his cheek.

"Oh, good. I would have cut it if you didn't like it."

"Don't ever cut it! It makes you look even more handsome!"

Crowley smiled, kissing me again.

"Call me soon. I missed you," he said.

"I missed you too. I'll try to call tonight," I agreed, kissing him yet again.

When I blinked, he was gone, the weight of his arms around me suddenly lifted from me. I shivered. It was cold now. I made my way back inside.

~

Sam, Dean, and I were walking down the hall, leaving Becky's apartment when she called after us.

"Wait, Misha! I wanna talk to you before you go!" She called.

We stopped. Sam and Dean looked at me quizzically. I shrugged. I wondered what she wanted too.

"Ok!" I nodded, "You guys go ahead, I'll meet you at the car."

Becky waved me into her apartment and closed the door. My fight or flight was going into overdrive. I didn't think she could do anything to me, but my hand moved closer to the gun under my jacket.

"Who were you really talking to out there?" She asked.

"What?" I asked, caught off guard.

"None of your friends from before ever call you."

"Becky, I don't-"

"Misha, I read all the books."

I shut my mouth trying to think up a feasible lie. Becky crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow, giving me a Mom look, even though I couldn't remember my mom's. I gulped. She wouldn't take a lie. I couldn't cover anymore. I sighed.

"Fine. It wasn't a friend," I admitted.

"Then who was it?" Becky was immediately intrigued.

"It... It was, um... My boyfriend," I tried to avoid saying Crowley's name.

"Oh! Who is it, who is it? No, wait. Let me guess... Ummm... The only allusion to romance in the books was between you and Crowley, so... Is it?" She gave me a sly look.

"How the hell did you-"

"Oh, come on! The chemistry was so easy to pick up on. You two are bad at hiding! Besides, I heard a guy out there like you were talking face to face."

"Oh. Wow."

"Yeah. So. Give me the details. I wanna know everything!"

I laughed a little. Becky watched me intently, waiting for me to open my mouth. I sighed.

"Well... We've been dating for a couple years. I dunno. It seems pretty obvious that we'll get married someday, if I live long enough."

"And Sam and Dean don't know."

"I don't want them to know. It was bad enough when I changed my name. At least Dad isn't here anymore."

"They'll get over it. I know they love you, they just... Have some prejudice. When they see that your happy, they won't mind."

"I highly doubt that. I'll be the queen of the bastards that killed our mom. But it doesn't matter. I can still cut them out if I have to."

"But you shouldn't have to! A lot of people would kill to have a sibling relationship like you guys."

"Um. We did."

Becky snorted.

"What I'm saying is give it some time. Don't cut them out if they give you grief up front," she said.

"I know. I'll try. Thanks, Becky," I grinned.

"Anytime! Good luck with Crowley!" she waved as I moved to walk out.

"Yep!" I waved back.

My brothers were waiting for me, leaning against the hood of the car. They looked up.

"What took so long?" Dean asked.

"Eh, talking relationship advice," I shrugged.

"What, like, don't roofie your crush?" Sam joked.

"Yeah," I laughed.

"You know, I said some crap when I was all dosed up," Sam cleared his throat.

"Oh? She wasn't your soulmate?" Dean teased.

"Shut up. I mean, I do need you guys watching my back. Obviously," Sam said.

"You know, for a whack-job, you really pulled it together," Dean looked up at Sam.

"You two be nice," I gave them my best "mom" look.

"But it might be nice. Y'know, you two have been looking after me pretty much your whole lives. It might be nice to take a break, step back a little," Sam looked between us.

"Nah. I don't know any different," I gave Sam a playful punch in the side.

"Alright, I was just saying!" Sam laughed.

"Yeah, get in the car, hippie," Dean shived him a bit.

I laughed. My brothers were my life. I just hoped they would stay that way when I added Crowley into the picture...

[the--blackdahlia]

Armageddon Chapter 15 (Dean x Reader)

Title: Armageddon Chapter 15

Summary:  Space. The Final Frontier. But for Dean Winchester, space was the last place he thought he would ever go. His family life isn’t perfect, his job isn’t ideal, but he has (Y/n), the woman he loves. Sam Winchester never thought his life would turn out the way it did. He is divorced, alone, and his brother most likely hates him. Working for NASA was not going to be easy. But, when a threat to the earth has him calling on his family for help, what can he do? can Sam and Dean push past his family issues to keep the Earth spinning another day? Based on the movie of the same name.

Pairings: Dean x Reader; Sam x Jessica

Warnings For this Chapter: Angst, language, injuries

Song for this chapter is Knockin' on Heaven's Door by Guns n' Roses

Mission Control

“I WANT A STATUS REPORT!” Bobby yelled as everyone began scrambling. “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!”

“Well sir, there was a disturbance and….” A scientist said. Charlie could tell Bobby was about to blow up.

“There’s debris and it’s messing with the comms.” Charlie told him. “We’re working on it as fast as we can.” Bobby growled and rubbed at his temples.

“I WANT SOMEONE TO PATCH ME TO JO OR GABRIEL NOW!!”

(Y/n) looked worridley to John and Jess. Jess was doing her best to keep (Y/n) from panicking. John was trying to help, but those were his men up there, and his sons.

“You can get your wish, to keep Sam, because if I die on this mission, you get your perfect son, and (Y/n) can find someone better.”  

John closed his eyes and did something he had done since Viet Cong were killing his brothers around him, or since a little Sam weighed 4 pounds, 8 ounces and was born months before he was supposed to be born. He prayed.

“Mission Control! Do you copy! Mission Control this is Jo Harvelle! Do you copy!” Jo’s voice came in over the system.

“Jo, It’s Bobby I need a status report!” He tried to calm down.

“Bobby? It’s Sam!”

“Sam? What’s going on? I need someone to talk to me!” Bobby was trying to take deep breaths. “Sam?”

“Garth’s Dead, Dean’s hurt… The timer to the bomb got damaged.” Sam’s voice was shaky. “Bobby… We got hit by debris coming at us. A stray smaller asteroid hit us.”

“How bad is he hurt?” Bobby asked, closing his eyes.

“His leg… we have it in a splint at the moment he seems ok, but he’s out of commision for drilling,” Sam explained. “That’s not all… the time detinator got damaged… we need to fix it fast, so good thing I have the designer on board,” Sam joked.

“Shit…” Bobby groaned. “Just….just get it done okay Sam?”

“Yes sir,” Sam sighed.

(Y/n) could feel her chest constrict. Dean was hurt, she placed her hand over her bump and bit her lip. She was scared, she looked to Jess. Jess looked scared too.

****

“I think we have the parts Dean needs in the Independence.” Mick explained. Dean had been examining the timer and figuring out what parts were needed. “Let me go get them. I’ll be right back.”

“Dean, how are you?” Sam rasped.

“Peachy,” Dean grumbled. “Sam… I need to tell you something.”

“What?” Sam asked, looking over at him. His anxiety was through the roof, and he was trying to move as much as possible to help keep him calm.

“I don’t make it out of here…”

“No, no no. We’re not doing this.” Sam said. “None of this goodbye crap okay. You’re getting home, even if I have to push you there myself.”

“You let me get this out… I’m the older brother I PROTECT YOU, got it?” Dean growled. “I don’t make it… you take (Y/n) you go to the apartment... “ Dean took a shaky breath. “In the closet under all my vinyl records… is a deed and a house key.”

“Dean…”

“Before my blow out with dad, I bought a house… I was going to surprise her with the house before I proposed to her, but I got in that fight with dad, and got the job with Crowley,” Dean’s voice broke. “You tell her I love her… Make sure she moves on… don’t let her stay hung up on an ass like me… a coward who could have been with her for a long time…”

“Stop it!” Sam threw a wrench at the wall. “Just stop it okay! You’re going home and you’re having a family! And you’re not going to fuck it up like me! You’re going to have kids, and a house, and a good job! You’re going to die old with your family surrounding you! Now just stop it!” Never before had Sam blown up like that before.

(Y/n) covered her mouth listening to the altercation between the brothers. She looked to Jess whose eyes were filled with guilt. John ran his hands across his face. He looked to the little boy oblivious to the scene as he played with his toy cars. John walked over to Ashton and knelt down in front of the small boy.

“Hey, Kiddo,” He gave him a teary smile, “What kind of car do you have there?”  

“Bird car.” Ashton said, holding it up to show John. “It flies.” He had a big smile on his face. “And it goes vroom.”

John chuckled, Ashton reminded him so much of Sam when he was little. “That is an amazing car, did your daddy get that for you?”

“Yeah! We’re going to watch cars someday.” Sam had promised to take Ashton to a race when he was a little older and could sit still for longer than five minutes.

“Would it be ok if grandpa came too?” John smiled as he ruffled Ashtons hair.

“Yes! We can see the cars together!” He clapped his hands. “Daddy will like that!”

As the camera shook and everyone in mission control scrambled. Sam held on to Dean as he tried to get up. Dean hissed in pain,

“What the hell was that?” Dean called out.

“Dean,” Benny’s voice sounded over the com.

“What Benny? What’s going on?” Dean leaned on the wall of the shuttle giving a knowing look to Sam.

“Dean I have good news and bad news, which do you want first?” Benny sighed.  

“Bad news first.” Dean sighed.

“Well, uh, bad news is Mick is dead.” Benny told them. Dean and Sam stared at each other. “Good news is, the hole is done. But we can’t fix the timer so...emergency meeting.”

Dean ran a hand across his face. He looked at the timer and held out his hand, “Get me a screwdriver.”

“Dean, what are you doing?” Sam shook his head.

“Trust me,” was all Dean said as Sam handed him the screw driver and he began tinkering with it. Everyone climbed into the shuttle. They all stood around, watching as Dean tinkered away.

“Dean…” Sam said. “Is it working?”

“Don’t worry, when everyone gets here I’ll explain it,” Dean mumbled.

“Everyone’s here.” Sam said. “This is us.”

Benny, Ash, Ketch, Jo, Gabriel, and Cas came in. Dean looked around then looked at the timer. Closing his eyes, he looked to Jo.

“Are communications with mission control back and stable?” He breathed.

“Stable, no. But they’re here for now.” She told him. “All the debris is making it hard to keep a constant.”

Dean made his way over to the coms, “Is video working?”

“It’s scrambled.” Bobby’s voice came through. “We can hear you better than we can see you.”

Dean took a deep breath, “I want to talk to my wife.”

She wasn’t his fiance right now, even if the papers weren’t signed and they didn’t have their ceremony, he considered her, his wife. He wished he could see her, but hearing her would be just as good.  

“Dean?” her voice was music to his ears. “What’s going on? You’re scaring me?”

“Hey sweetheart.” Dean smiled some. “I’m sorry I scared you. I just wanted to hear your voice.” He closed his eyes and pictured her there. “I love you (Y/n). Everything's going to be okay, you hear me?”

“Why do I have a feeling you are going to try and be a cowboy?” She muttered, “I swear Dean, don’t do anything stupid please?” her voice broke.

“I’m not honey. I’m not going to do anything stupid. I promise.” He smirked some. “I just really needed to hear you.”

“Dean?” She sobbed, “I love you, please come home.”

“I’ll be home before you know it.” Dean laughed, trying not to cry. “Just make sure you’ve got the details planned for our wedding.”

“Ramble on going down the aisle,” she chuckled.

“A little Black Dog that night?” He wiggled his eyebrows.

(Y/n) sniffled, “I love you.”

“I know.” Dean laughed. “I love you too (Y/n).”

“Go save the world cowboy,” she rasped before blowing a kiss.

Dean blew a kiss back before turning off the com. He ran his hand across his face clearing up the tears that were falling. With a groan he hobbled back to the group and leaned on the table.

“I fixed the timer… but you are not going to like our options,” Dean gave them a solemn look.

“What are they?” Sam asked, nervously.

“One of us has to stay behind and manually detonate the bomb. Or I volunteer myself to stay behind and detonate the bomb,” He looked at Sam.

“No way!” Sam said. “You’re not giving yourself up like that. We can,” He found a couple straws and cut them into different pieces. “We can draw straws to see who stays behind.”

“Shortest straw stays,” Dean agreed. They took turns drawing straws, dread behind each pull. And finally, someone had the short straw.

Dean looked to Sam holding up the short straw, “told you so.”

John closed his eyes as mission control heard the audio. (Y/n) held back a sob as she sank to her knees, Jessica with her. The audio and video were gone then, leaving them in the dark.

Sam was numb as he watched Dean get ready. Sam grabbed his own helmet and put it on.

“I’m walking you out at least.” Sam said. “Not taking no for an answer.”

Dean simply nodded as he limped to the elevator to the asteroids surface.

“You remember what we talked about?” he rasped, “You make sure my girl moves on… make sure the next guy treats her right.”

“Yeah Dean.” Sam sighed as they headed through the elevator onto the asteroid. Sam played with the loose path on his arm, slowly pulling it off. “Hey Dean, can you do something for me real quick?”

Dean closed his eyes, “yeah baby brother. What do you need?”

Sam reached out and pulled the hose on Dean’s suit, damaging the oxygen. He pushed him back into the elevator and tucked the patch into a spot on his suit. He shut the doors so Dean could breath.

“Make sure dad gets that.” Sam said, looking at Dean through the glass doors.

Dean beat on the door, “SAM OPEN THE FUCKING DOORS RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS. I DREW THE SHORT STRAW!”

“You have a life waiting for you back home Dean. I don’t.” Sam told him. “I need you to go live that life for me. It’s time I pay you back for everything.” He pressed the button, letting the elevator go back up into the shuttle.

“DON’T DO THIS SAMMY, NO, NO NO NO! DON’T DO THIS! DAD’S GOING TO HATE ME FOR THIS SAM! IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE ME.” Dean began beating at the doors. “SAM YOU HAVE A SON WHO NEEDS YOU.” he tried using his shoulder to break the door but it was no use.  

“You have a son or daughter that needs you too!” Sam yelled at him. “So just tell them I was cool or something, okay?” He turned away from Dean. “I love you Dean.”

The elevator doors opened into the shuttle. Dean felt two strong arms grab him and pull him in.

“LET ME GO! SAMMY! I NEED TO GET BACK TO SAM!”  Dean tried wrestling away from Benny.

“Easy brother. We gotta get home.” Benny said, getting him into a seat and tightening the straps so Dean couldn’t get out. “And your oxygen is damaged. You can’t go back out there.”

“Then you get me a new suit, get me out of here. I drew the damn short straw it should be me!”

“There are no more suits.” Cas told Dean.

“And I think Sam’s made up his mind.” Ash sighed.

“He got what he wanted.” Benny shook his head. “He got to kill himself.”

“How did you know about that?” Dean growled at Benny, “How did everyone know but me!”

“I didn’t know!” Ketch said.

“I only knew because I had to take the kid to therapy one day.” Benny told him. “We went out for beers and he told me.”

“Dad’s going to hate me for not protecting him,” Dean sobbed, “the old man might as well kill me himself.”

****

Sam had the communication device that they were supposed to use outside of the shuttle. He sat down by the bomb and closed his eyes. With a deep breath, Sam powered it on.

“If...if anyone can hear me,” Sam said, tears filling up in his eyes. “I...I’d really like to talk to my dad.”

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[missjackil]

14x12 & 14x13

During my re-watch of S14 and sobbing once again through the Brofest Trifecta, I no longer think the decision to end the show next season was made spur of the moment. Im convinced the decision was made a while ago, possibly at the same time they decided to do shorter seasons. Maybe even as far back as before S13, and that's why there was so much push for a spin-off, that ended up being very poorly written. Im not entirely sure, but at least Im confident that there was no drastic recent event that made them want to close up shop. I think they wanted to get to the 300 milestone, and why not take it through the 15 season milestone too, then hang up the flannels. 

They had a lot to celebrate over the past couple seasons, the spin-off (yuck) Scoobynatural, the honor of being given The Supernatural Studios, the 300th Episode, JDM coming back and early sign on for S15, I'm sure no one wanted to bum anyone out with announcing an ending, and take the spotlight from the other things, but now as I rewatched this season, (and even some of last) I can see a set up, most specifically in the episodes Prophet and Loss, and Lebanon.

In s13, they decided to bring back Michael. That doesn't necessarily mean they’d already scheduled an end, but I think they pulled that arc off the shelf for when an end was in sight. Because seriously, as much as I may hear you all moan and groan about how the Michael Lucifer thing is so old and boring, its THE biggest storyline in the whole series, and never should have been shelved. I mean Sam and Dean being the literal vessels of the 2 biggest Archangels is HUGE. It doesnt have to be the main story all the time, but they should never let the viewers forget, and that arc should get a proper closure, which it hasnt yet. 

Now this season has been setting us up for where we are now. (as any season would) but early on, there were hints to an end in sight. Small ones though, just enough to send a little chill up my spine, that yes, the show will eventually end. like in Mint Condition, Dean suggesting next Halloween they dress like Thelma and Louise and get in the car and just go. We all flash back to how Thelma and Louise drove off a cliff. Meanwhile throughout the season, we see Sam slowly unravelling. Dean began unravelling last season, and now the brothers are coming undone. Which brings me to the two episodes that I believe were setting us up for the later anouncement. 

Prophet and Loss was not only the most emotional scene we’ve seen from Sam since S8, and probably even more emotional than that, and Jared has to deliver his most emotional scene to date. As most of us know, Jared had an emotional reaction to the scene that made him not be able to say the words and fit them with the actions. It affected him so strongly that Jensen thought he may be having a stroke, because as long as he’s known Jared, and everything he’s been through, he’s never seen him unable to do the job, and at that moment, he couldnt do it. Jared said its the only time in his whole career he ever went home and cried, feeling like he disappointed everyone. That made me so sad when I heard it, and wanted him to know he didnt disapooint anyone, he did an AMAZING job!

Now, after the annoucement of the end, that scene takes on a whole new meaning. I think (and I stress that its a thought, and Im not assuming I know how Jared thinks)  that if Jared knew the show was ending, saying those lines would be hard as hell. Saying them and knowing we didnt know yet, could be very upsetting. Perhaps he wondered in his own heart that they made the wrong decision (as anyone put in their position would wonder at least 1000 times) and yelling at Dean about quitting, felt too much like yelling at Jensen? “We’re the guys that save the world, we dont just check out of it!”  Go watch that scene again, and try to imagine Jared saying it with what we know now. 

Maybe he even thought of it from the POV of the fans? That maybe thats how many of us would feel once we heard? Could it be even that maybe when he got home, he cried worried he would disappoint us all with their pending news, and the lines in that scene were just too close to home?

Even after the, now iconic, punch/hug “Why dont you believe in us too” Dean’s response was ironic too, almost like they dont need to tell us at all, but respectfully they will, and when the time comes, we do then what we cant do now, put them in the box and let them go.  (watch where you step... my heart is laying around here somewhere)

This brings us to Lebanon. Such a tearfest in itself. My favorite episode yet! But if they all knew the end was in the cards, this episode also takes on new meaning. I dont think it was any accident that they chose to not show a live episode the weerk after the announcement, but to re-air Lebanon instead. It was as though they re-aired it so we could collectively see it in another way, and mourn together a little. 

It’s no secret that JDM loves J2 and vise versa, J2 have said a million times theyd love to have him back, and he has said he’d love that too and how proud he is of them, and will always consider them “his boy. Him coming back was alone a sign the end was coming. How badly we, as well as Jared wanted so bad for Sam to have closure with his father. and we were given a heart wrenching and tearful scene between Sam and John.  Both confronted each other with their issues, chose not to dwell on it, acknowledge they each hurt the other, and theyre sorry. 

Sam said the argument they had was a lifetime ago, it may have taken half that lifetime for Sam to believe and understand, even though he did some messed up things, that yes, Dad loved him. And now, theres closure. 

We soon go then to, what I now believe was a message to us, that the time to part is coming soon. Everyone sad and speechless at the table, and John says “Now as I see it, we have 2 choices, we can either dwell on whats coming, or be grateful for this time we have together. And me, I choose graqteful. So to whatever power brought us together....we owe you one” then each give an individual “amen” That killed me then, and now it kills me in a new way, and its always going to stick in my head now as a message to us fans. 

We move on now to John’s farewell. J2 have said they didnt need to fake any emotions, the emotions where all really there. I now see not just John, but JDM telling J2 “I am so proud of you boys” hugging them both “I love you both so much” Jared so emotional he cant talk, and Jensen mustering enough strength for the both of them to say “I love you too” (I think I heard my heart shattering in a corner somewhere) I will never get over that episode in this lifetime... ever.

After these episodes, we got a break (mercifully) then we got 3 episodes before we got the announcement. In those episodes, we have Cas explaining to Jack that even though Sam and Dean are wonderful, amazing, and special human beings, they are humans and humans shine for just a short time. Someday Sam and Dean will die, and it will hurt, but that pain will remind us of how much we love them. And Jack  thinks like me... “That sounds.... awful”... those words are not a comfort Cas.... nice try though 💔😭

We also have Sam still unravelling, he got a dose of phony happiness, (as did Dean in Nihlism ... as neither place of happiness included each other) yet, it was each other who pulled them out. Sam pulled Dean out of his dream world, the mention of Dean pulled Sam out. Sam knows he wont be happy without Dean, so he presses on.  We still have 4 episodes left of this season. Lucifer is on his way back. AU Michael might be dead, but cage Michael has been mentioned a lot the past few seasons so I think we’re gonna get some kind of real showdown to put that arc to rest.

So now I will always see Prophet and Loss and Lebanon in a new way... a painful way, but Ill throw in an honorary mention of some irony in  Damaged Goods.... regarding the from behind, sneak attack hug, “If it feels like something is up, it probably is” and regarding Sam’s anger when Dean told him his plan, it would have really been messed up and wrong if they didnt tell us, they knew this, so they did.... they didnt have to.