#he reads so much like every teenager i knew in highschool and also myself in highschool HJFKDLSJKFDS

[bmpmp3]

i really love when shoujo manga protagonists are like sweet and goofy and fun normal girls who are also haunted by horrors and traumas beyond our imaginations. like the whole:

[noyzinerd]

More Than Just A Body (Swap)

Thinking about a post-body swap Sterek fic.

One that fully takes place after a body swap has already been reversed (like, a sequel to a non-existent fic--where they swapped bodies, had to live as the other, got switched back, yet didn't get together by the end--that's constantly alluded to, but we never actually get to read), so we only see the aftermath.

Derek is super irritated and snippy for days after they get back into their own bodies. Stiles thinks it's because Derek feels pissed and humiliated he had to relive to highschool with insufferable teenagers, be helplessly human and weak, and generally listen to authority again (his dad). It definitely bums Stiles out to think that Derek found living his life so deplorable that he's still angry about it. So now both of them are upset and sort of avoiding each other.

It isn't until two weeks later, when their stand-off is starting to effect pack business, that Stiles gets fed up and confronts Derek.

"What's your deal, man? You've been super shitty ever since we swapped back. It's been two weeks. How can you still be mad about living as me? What, was doing the dishes and being forced to write 5,000 words about the Louisiana Purchase seriously that terrible? Look, I'm sorry you had to deal with my stupid, tissue-paper body for so long, but you can't just-!"

And before you know it, Derek has him shoved up against a wall. He's still pissed, yeah, but, for some reason, he also looks...hurt and broken inside.

"Your body isn't stupid, Stiles! It was the best thing to happen to me in years!"

Stiles is stunned speechless. Derek's fingers are trembling around the grip he has in Stiles' shirt. There's so much pain in those green-blue eyes that it actually aches to look in them. It looks almost like grief.

Like Derek is in mourning.

Derek's not crying, but his eyes are definitely shinier as he continues, "You have no idea what you have, Stiles. What I had. For the first time since the worst fucking day of my life, I got to do normal things, like chores and sports. Not a single person expected anything of me o-or looked to me for answers. I didn't have to worry about fucking up and getting people killed, because the smartest guy I knew was taking care of my body like it was something precious. And all I had to do in return was live your beautiful, quiet life. A life where someone gently woke me up for school and nobody found me too intimidating to get close to.

"I got to know what it was like to be loved by a father again, Stiles! To say the words 'I love you, too, Dad' when I didn't think I'd ever get another chance. I-I got to be hugged and have people smile at me like they were glad to see me and I'd get to look in the mirror in the morning to the sweetest smile at the start of my day and hear your voice every time I talked. It was perfect." Somehow, Stiles has found his face streaked with tears even though the tears valiantly sticking to Derek's lashes still haven't fallen as his voice breaks over his words.

"A-and now? All I get to wake up to is me." The word is spit out with acid and venom. "I get to wake up alone in a cold, silent, empty, concrete room and look at a face in the mirror that makes me sick. I get to go back to my pathetic fucking life where I have to choose between literally fighting against an endless wave of people out to kill me or using my family's blood money to buy myself a microwavable dinner for the night. The only difference is that now...now I'm haunted by the feel of your fingers through my hair, your arms wrapped around me," at this, Stiles can feel his heart cracking apart at the thought of Derek using his body to simply hug himself, "y-your voice telling me that I'm going to be okay, and just-just the sight of your skin and your eyes and-and-I just, I can't, Stiles, I-I can't-!"

Stiles is clutching Derek so tight to him in an instant, tucking him into his neck and slowly lowering them to the ground as Derek collapses and sobs into him.

---

Once the tears are all dry, Stiles finally picks up the courage to be vulnerable too. He owes it to Derek.

At least it'll be easier now that he can't see the werewolf's reactions.

So, as he's stroking the other's hair, Stiles tells him about how he wishes Derek could see the man he fell in love with the way Stiles can.

He tells him about how he fell in love with a man whose heart is so big and full of kindness that he physically cannot stop himself from helping people, no matter how much he likes to pretend that he doesn't care.

The man he loves is powerful, resilient, and stronger than any one person has any right to be, yet so fragile as to be afraid of loving someone too much because he might be shattered.

The man Stiles loves is smart, sassy, thoughtful, stubborn, awkward, grumpy, sweet, and so so deserving of hugs and smiles and kisses and praise, because Derek is and has always been more than just a body.

Stiles tells him about how, during their swap, he made sure to take warm baths with nice smells, nap in cozy blankets, and massage his hands and feet with lotions because Stiles wanted to take care of Derek's body as much as he could while he got the chance. He did it because he wanted to help Derek and this was the only way he thought he could.

If there had been even the slightest indication that anything more would've been well received, Stiles would have already done it. All he wants is permission.

"Please...let me take care of you?"

---

So, slowly, day by day, Stiles enfolds Derek into a gentle life.

Stiles is Derek's strongest advocate, his extra set of hands to help carry his burdens, his pillow, his introduction to new things and new people.

They're always wrapped around each other, all the time, almost like Stiles is scared of Derek getting cold.

Despite the confession, things remain G-rated for a while. Cuddles, hand-holding, caresses, just touching. Shy kisses eventually make an appearance after some time, but they remain sweet, loving little things.

Stiles makes it perfectly clear that he's fine waiting to make a move until he's sure being intimate can't possibly be mistaken as anything else. He needs Derek to understand that this isn't obligation or pity. Stiles loves Derek. And Stiles is going to take his time because he wants Derek to feel loved beyond his body, no matter how long it takes.

By the time Derek feels whole again, now living with the Stilinskis and smiling softly as a default expression, they find themselves in front of the bathroom mirror having their first time together.

It's definitely not kinky. Mostly reverent, full of "It's okay, I'm right here", fingers laced tight together, flashing eyes, and a bit of emotional tears. It's gentle and assuring, with promises of never being alone again, and whispers of "so beautiful" and "so sweet" and "so perfect". Climax is rewarded with praises, hands stroking up arms and down backs, and "I love you"s are slurred through dropped fangs and traded back and forth between kisses

But as expected, finally having sex doesn't magically make Derek love himself. It's still a long road. Because even if Derek doesn't completely hate his life anymore, there are those hard days where he still has problems with 'being Derek'.

And maybe one day Derek will learn to love the body he lives in.

Until then, Stiles will just have to love it for him.

[jollyfang]

This blog has been titled ‘Late Night Ramblings’ since it’s inception, but it’s only been recently that I’ve actually started, y’know… actually posting anything that’s not just reblog if other peoples posts.

Which is fine, everybody reblog the stuff they like so they can share it with their own group of followers. And I’m really glad I’ve decidedly to put myself out there and start chiseling out a tiny place for myself in the fandom spaces I’ve been lurking in.

The point I’m making is I haven’t really done a whole lot of the so-called ‘late night rambling’ I set out to do. So here’s some of the shit that’s been on my mind tonight. It’ll be long so I understand if nobody wants to read about something not fandom related (fandom adjacent, maybe?? I do bring up some of my redacted ocs) if you do decide to keep reading- then that’s very sweet if you, much appreciated and I love you for doing that 😊

ANYWAY!

So back when I was still a teenager, roughly around the age of 15 and bored out of my mind on summer break- I discovered a website that would be my first foray into the role-play world. (Not that kind of site and not that kind of role-play, just in case anyone’s mind started swerving into pervy territory)

It was a role play game site called Reign of Blood, it’s still up today but I haven’t played in years. You could make a vampire, talk in the forums, do quests and level up, join a coven; all that fun stuff. PVP and PVE were a thing too but I never did any of that. And it was all completely text based. I was obsessed with it for years, all throughout highschool.

For the years that I was playing what I mostly took part in were the one on one RP chats. There were open chats where you could role play with everyone online at the time but it was much more fun to find a partner and just start telling a story together, just the two of you.

Which is kind of why I’m writing all this now. Because after a year on the site, and I can’t even remember how we found each other, I found an incredible writing partner. We spent two years cultivating a story that, while more than a little cheesy and possibly a bit cringy, has stuck with me for years. And I never knew his real name. His user name was John, he had a proofs picture of Moriarty from Sherlock, and his character was named Dakota.

Dakota Zero. A fallen Archangel.

My character was a hybrid, half susdubus/half vampire. Her name was Xhex Shadowheart. (I was a teenager, it was a vampire game okay..)

She worked as a bodyguard for other supernaturals, was estranged from her family and was hiding from an obsessive ex boyfriend who at one point tried to kill her during the course of the story. Dakota had a whole swath of cool abilities, like healing, teleportation, and telepathy. A skill he taught to Xhex as their relationship grew. He told her that no matter where he was, if she called out to him- he’d hear her. It’s corny I know, but it just seemed so… sweet and poetic for them?

They met, eventually fell in love and had kids. Twins, (Raine and a boy whose name I can’t remember) and they had another on the way we were going to name Calia (I think). Every time she’d get pregnant, Dakota would be so overjoyed and Xhex would be too. She spent a lot of time working out, staying in shape for her job and it was impossible to keep her sitting still throughout her pregnancies.

Dakota was estranged from his parents because of his fallen status, but I distinctly remember a time where his mother sought Xhex out behind her sons back because she wanted to meet the woman that had claimed her sons heart. And Xhex was SO nervous. She didn’t want Dakota to be mad at her, but she also wanted to learn more about him. There was also the fact that she was terrified that she would be deemed dirty or disgusting because of being a vampire, or that her children would be treated poorly by their grandmother for being born from such a disgusting creature.

But it wasn’t like that at all. It was such a sweet moment, the two women meeting, the twin toddlers playing and meeting their grandmother for the first time. I could talk about their story for ages. I used to write down transcripts of our messages just so I wouldn’t forget them because I loved the world we’d created so much.

But… we kinda fell out of touch. Life got in the way for both of us. But just when we’d finally gotten back into contact, we both admitted we’d missed each other and our characters. I was SO happy to reconnect with my friend who I’d missed so much.

We made plans to start the whole story over again, but… unfortunately luck wasn’t on our side. The game site, which was our only point if communication, has a policy of deleting any account that’s been inactive for 30 days. And they didn’t count logging in to the game or sending messages as activity, only completing quests and pvp counted. So they deleted my account. I’ve tried several times, with different accounts to try and find John again, but… I never have been able to. It’s been years since I last tried, and I’m wondering if I should make a new account and try and track him down one more time.

I don’t think it’ll pay off, but you never know till you try right? I’d give anything to talk with him again, find out how he’s doing and ask if he’s missed our friendship as much as I’ve missed his. I don’t know any other way to find him but I really wish I could even just to check in or maybe even restart our story like we’d planned.

I have whole role-play character charts set up for Xhex and their daughter Raine, because even after all these years I still care about them so much. I thought about drawing them and posting them here, but we’ll see what happens.

Anyways, that’s my rant for tonight. If you read to the end, thanks. If not, I understand.

[acloudofsparklingdust]

hi

I was also raised 7th day Adventist and I’m a closeted lesbian. I don’t hate my religion..because I personally didn’t have a bad experience with it in my childhood, but it clashes a lot with my beliefs and well parts of my identity. I’m feeling a bit helpless because this religion has been a big part of my life, a lot of strong women I look up to in my life are sda, and my local sda community is very wholesome. And by now you can sense my reluctance in letting it go. I’ve been coping by thinking I should find a gay-friendly sda church once I move out.. if I ever get married. What’s your journey been like? 🪴

Hey! I don't meet a lot of sda online, it's interesting to hear a different perspective. I'm gonna go into everything, bc my experiences with sda really shaped me, and yeah, it's been a wild, not so fun ride.

Basically I was baptized catholic as an infant, but my family isn't practicing catholic. My mom is very religious, and wanted me to have a good education... In Brazil, we have very poor public education in primary and secondary school, and the best schools are the private ones... Which are also religious schools. So I wound up studying in a sda school from kindergarten to highschool graduation.

So from a young age (4 yo) I was raised on my school's religious beliefs. I was really involved, and my childhood best friend was also sda, she lived a couple floors down from me and we'd hang out often, and her family would bring me to church on Saturdays (there was a sda church across the street from the apartments we lived in). I was the staple Christian child, I prayed every night and every morning, apart from all the prayer at school ofc. At 8yo they did a talk at school about the importance of baptism, and I asked my parents to allow me to be baptized as sda. My mom surprisingly didn't want me to be baptized again, not so young, but my dad said I should do what I wanted, so I was baptized again at the school's church. Literally the school had an auditorium for our weekly religion-related classes, which we called "chapel", and was basically like going to church – but mandatory, as it was during school time. This specific school also had a church built on the side, so yeah.

During my early childhood through preteen years I had no issues with the school's teachings and sda ideology. It was all I had ever known, my family encouraged religion and we'd also sometimes (rarely) go to catholic church. I honestly didn't even realize people could not believe in god until I was 12/13.

I had never really heard much about being gay, or being anti gay during primary school - I may have forgotten having ever heard it from teachers. I only heard about homophobia from peers, and so I knew that being gay was a bad, evil, gross thing.

When I was around 11/12 we moved to a smaller town, and I started at a smaller Adventist school. I was the only one in my small newly found friend group who was baptized, and moving was very traumatic for me, so I started becoming less active in church. I became severely depressed because of the move and other stuff at home, and turned to the internet for a distraction.

I first heard about atheism from a youtuber, and he was known for his controversial takes (he's pretty nasty, it's only gotten worse with time but anyway). I guess a mixture of depression, becoming a teen, having my rebellious phase, I started researching into it.

My religion teacher (we had "religion" classes, but they should really have been called "7th Day Adventism classes") was much harsher than the one I had at my first school. This was around the time that Twilight was a big deal, and I read those books sooo many times for comfort, I got into Harry Potter etc. Not long after I moved to this school, we had a religion class about how Harry Potter was inspired by the devil. My books were often confiscated during class, even if I had already finished my assignments and was reading quietly, even if they were just on my desk. Being super depressed and introverted, with very few friends, books were my refuge. Having the teachers look down on them and literally say they were devilish and evil really started to shift my view of the religion. I knew these were good books, I loved them. So how could they be evil?

I have a very strong memory of praying and praying once and begging Jesus and god to help me, to give me a sign, because I was terrified of losing my religion, of losing god. All I had learned my whole life was that god is good, god is love etc. How come god wasn't helping me, my family, through some of the worst times? How come I was alone?

At around 12/13 my cousin came out to me as bi, and soon after another cousin came out as gay. I barely fully understood what that meant, and the internet was again where I researched about it. I realized I liked girls at the time, but I never understood you could even be married to a woman, as a woman. Even though I knew I liked and was attracted to girls, I never let myself think too much on it. The school was pretty obvious about how marriage is between a man and a woman, our "sex talk" was a class with our religion teacher. Bio talk was split, the boys left the room so we could learn about female anatomy and stuff, and then the boys had the room, etc. Our religious teacher was very adamant about how one shouldn't have sex before marriage, and marriage was between a man and a woman so...

Honestly the basework they laid was to erase homosexuality. I didn't even grasp that I could be anything but attracted to girls, I didn't realize I could do anything about it.

And then in highschool, I guess bc we were old enough, they finally started being outspoken about their hatred of gay people. There would be snide comments from the Portuguese/Lit teacher, a disgusting talk from the History teacher about how gay men's sexual activity leads to anal incontinence, the Religion teacher saying it was wrong, comparing it to criminality, the school's vice principal giving us a lecture and making sure to hammer in the worst thing anyone could turn out to be was homosexual.

At this point I thought I was okay with my same sex attraction, I thought these things weren't getting under my skin. But then I learned about being trans, and I came to the conclusion that since I was into girls, I couldn't be a woman. I identified as trans from around 15-19. That was internalized misogyny and homophobia, that was me actually letting all the snide little comments settle deep in me, and shape who I was.

Anyway, at around 14 I was done. School was teaching us that bastard kids aren't blessed by god (me and my siblings are all "bastards" as my parents were never married). They told us couples who lived together and we're never married were not blessed by god, and implied they were bound to have issues for their sin.

I was a teenager living in a broken home, my father was emotionally abusive to me and my mother, and honestly at the end of the day I had to choose if I wanted to believe in a god who was supposedly love itself, yet didn't protect me and my young siblings and my mom... Or not believe in god at all.

Leaving the church and coming to terms with not believing in god was one of the toughest times in my life. My depression was in the gutter, I was self harming, I was struggling. I remember thinking of my cousins, whom I was very close with growing up, and knowing they were good people, so how could god not love then? I remember thinking of myself, of all I had done for the church, for god, and wondering how could god not accept me.

For me, the church was poison. I only saw hypocrisy, I saw people who judged each other, who cared more about their own concepts of right and wrong than being mindful of others. I saw my teachers who preached being kind, but ridiculed and laughed at other religions and those who believed them. When I was questioning religion, I always had sooo many questions for my religion teacher and so often she just told me that some questions were too big for us to understand, that only god could fully comprehend himself.

I'm proud to have come out the other side, but I won't lie. The community that church represents does seem so lovely and welcoming. I wanted to be a part of something, and church offered that.

But at the end of the day, there's no space for me, a lesbian, in there. They don't believe gay marriage is okay, they don't condone our "lifestyle". They think this is a choice we're making, and a bad one at that.

The childhood friend I mentioned earlier, who I used to go to church with, actually came out as a lesbian a couple years ago as well. Her sda family is giving her a really hard time. She's left the church, last I heard.

Honestly, my advice would be to find other community. Find community with other lesbians, people who can accept you unconditionally, who can offer you support without small print. That's what I'm trying to do.

I personally am against christianity for a lot of other reasons besides my very negative experiences. Maybe that's not you, and in that case I guess finding a church that is LGB friendly can be the answer. I couldn't judge anyone for choosing to stay, because like I said I really understand how nice it can feel, how it's like you belong in this community, how it can feel like the church is family.

But I really suggest deep soulsearching, because in my experience all they ever did for me was suck all my energy, all my devotion, and spit me out when I was never going to be the heterosexual good girl they expected me to be.

Sorry for the super long answer, I hope this helps some? If you wanna talk more in private you can hit me up through DMs, I'm very willing to listen and talk about it.

[torivikachu]

I was just listening to Hamilton AGAIN - yeah I just put it on while working all the time - and it just hit me how really relatable Hamilton (or I mean, Lin-Manuel's interpretation of him) is. well, at least for me.

if you're wondering if this is worth your time it is NOT

anybody except me likes lists? I like lists. so let's make a list!

also let's see how many quotes can I fit into this post

whoa, I am excited about it.

1. the moment he meets Aaron Burr, he just sorta searches for something to bond over. like, hey dude I heard you went to Princeton? I wanna go there too, let's bond over it! by the way, I punched someone there lol I swear I am not stupid aand Burr, like um, no, thanks really, I better go, you seem violent, my parents wanted me to go there, okay, and Ham like WHOA YOU AN ORPHAN? WOW I AM TOO IT'S LIKE FATE OR SOMETHING LETS BOND and Aaron like wtf dude just shut up

and honestly that's just me, if I meet a person I like I will latch onto anything and I get sorta...fixated? so yeah, this dialogue is relatable as fuck

2. and Alex doesn't shut up, but then he goes all or am I talking too much?

bro, your anxiety shows.

3. and he keeps ranting all through the show, but his rants seem to charm everybody while I think mine just annoy and scare away? whatever, moving on, with Washington asking him why are you upset and he's replying IM NOT like a fucking teenager and it's probably a small thing but it's relatable as hell

4. and then once he is given permission he dives and buries himself into work, never does things halfway and is eager to take on more responsibilities and do something new and is just generally non-stop and while I can only wish for same energy as he, I like to have a lot of work aswell (well I sure as hell whine about it a lot but Hamilton does too! what's with I havent slept in a week I was weak I was awake you've never seen a bastard orphan more in need of a break)

5. he's flirty and has no qualms with innuendos. and very forward with his feelings? like you strike me like a woman who has never been satisfied sounds like a pickup line that either gonna win him a lot more than a number or fail miserably. he's like going all out, wearing his heart on his sleeve, and if it takes fighting a war for us too meet it will have been worth it and like seriously? yeah, flirt with every person in the room without skipping a beat, why not? he literally said on one intake of breath mr lafayette hard rock like lancelott i think your pants look hot laurens i like you a lot. he compliments people, he just throws it out instantly, most times he meets someone for the first time he compliments them and it's kind of my strategy too? it's not even a strategy, I just blurt out everything I like about a person once I meet them. it's like embarassing, because I liked a piece of jewelery on my co-worker once, and she was talking about something important while I could barely keep up because I kept thinking wow it looks great I gotta let her know. this strange need of mine to voice all thoughts annoys even me sometimes,

6. and then again, when he is angry or doesn't like something, it's painfully obvious. I don't tend to sprout profanities to people I don't like or saying stuff like madison you mad as hatter son take your medicine or you must be out of your GODDAMN mind or you absolutely right John should have shot him in mouth that would've shut him up but I can't school my face so it is always transparent what I am thinking about so my dislike is noted and not appreciated. it got me into enough embarassing situations. actually when studied in lyceum (like a sort of highschool) we had a principal and she addressed us as children and told us to call her mom and every time I was like WHAT THE HELL. I remember her eyes landing on me one time she said that and she almost did a doubletake at my facial expression. so the I'M NOT YOUR SON sentiment is not lost on me.

7. he speaks his mind when he thinks advice is in order? um if you love this woman go get her or for once in your life take a stand with pride. I tend to do it too, because I get winded up pretty fast, and I don't think it's always wise, because it's easy to judge from outside. I am pretty much sure that is the reason one of my friends back from school stopped talking to me. she had a bit of situation with her boyfriend and I still think her boyfriend is a piece of shit and she shouldn't have accepted him back, but whatever. wasn't my place to give advice, apparently

8. he gets overexcited? gentlemen of the jury I am curious bear with me are you aware that we are making history? like really I can't imagine ever getting like that at court. well I can imagine, because I get overexcited too, but saying that out loud? i'd be mortified

9. he's never satisfied? I know I already sorta covered it already, but it's more about him eager to learn and do more and feeling that what he's done and learnt is not enough, never enough. I so feel him on this, it's like yeah sure I know 4 languages, but that can't be enough can it? yeah I've got one degree but that's just ONE DEGREE that's like minimum I gotta get more

10. I know I talk too much I'm abrasive and I am not quoting Hamilton I am talking about myself thank you very much

11. he's a whiny bitch: but they don't have a plan they just hate mine -oh yes- or whatever it is Jefferson started it -huh yes sure-

12. forgetting your sons birthday? I forget my own age, sis. these little details just escape my attention. I like forgot it was my boyfriend's birthday this year - we literally live in the same flat. it took me a couple hours and a reminder from facebook. literally. and then I'll try to get away - hahaha it's like me saying to my parents - oh sure I'll some visit in a couple of months (they live in another part of the country) and then in a half a year being like oh wow when was the last time I went home

13. oh, here comes some more heavy stuff - say no to this. I was in a couple situations where I lost this battle. I think I have some polyamorous tendencies? but I am also very posessive and jealous, yeah, not a great mix, I know. so, I might have sorta dated two girls at one time once. well, not really dated, we were just bi-curious with one? we were friends, just... um, trying things. and then at some point I met another girl and it escalated pretty quickly and we sorta got together (oh my god the whole situation was a mess I was so confused about my sexuality back then and so ashamed you have no idea) and I didn't break it off with the first girl, but it was okay since we weren't... a thing? they knew each other but had no idea I slept with both of them. well we haven't really gotten that far with the first one but. and then the other asked at some point if she's the only one I do this with and I lied and a month into this endeavor I realized it was too much and sorta stopped seeing the first girl. we also stopped being close friends pretty soon afterwards. all my "lovestories" are embarassing actually, but this one is also the one I am most ashamed of. and then there were many situations in life when I was attracted to multiple people at the same time and ugh, I don't know, I kind of hate it, honestly. cheating is not okay. it is okay if everybody is okay with the polyamorous relationship though, but I never got to do it. so, yeah Ham's a dick but so am I

and on that depressing note I wanna wrap it up because I sorta killed the mood with that story. i think that's called oversharing?

if you actually read it to this point - wtf, you have nothing better to do or what?

I am not even gonna tag it so people don't have to scroll over that shit while searching for good content really I just like writing

the whole time I've been writing this my cat just kept staring at me. unblinkingly. I can feel her JUDGING ME

[noobtiedoo]

Coming Out

I don’t really know where to pour my heart out other then Tumblr. Considering this site has the most random stuff i think it’s the right place to get this off my chest. It’s gonna be a long post so i will be pouring my heart out under the ‘keep reading’ line. Basically it boils down to the fact that I just came out as Non-Binary to the people i work with. Which leaves me in a whirlpool of emotions. I’ve already bawled my eyes out and i might do it again. Because i’m scared as hell, relieved as all hell and i feel like i can fucking breathe for the first time since forever. Everything is just overwhelming right now. But i need to get this off my chest. And i have literally no where else to post this. Just a heads up, i will be talking about my own experience, which brushes the subject of depression, anxiety and suicide. So if you’re sensitive to these subjects, i completely understand if you decide not to read. 

Onto my story:

First up, I’m Non-Binary. (He/Him Pronouns) And it may be a strange opening line but you have to understand that i haven’t been able to say this out loud, with pride, for years. I have been going through a really rough childhood and up until highschool i thought that it was because there was something wrong with me. As highschool progressed, things didn’t get any better, except for the fact that i started to understand something wasn’t necessarily wrong with me. I was just different then other people. And at the end of highschool i finally figured out what was what. But i couldn’t do anything with that knowledge. Depression, Anxiety, bullying and other things kept a lid on it. 

I thought it was best to suffer in silence because i was so scared that everything was going to get so much worse if i came out as a Non-binary person. On top of that, I’m a Pansexual. It’s a logical but not a great combo as these are two things that are very ‘new’ and ‘recently introduced’ to society. I know these things were existing before we could even give it a name. (And my heart hurts thinking of all those people in the past who struggled with this their whole lives unable to give it a name or come to terms with it)

I was struggling with multiple things, trying to keep my head above the water. Which backfired completely as i got depressed, my first ever girlfriend backstabbed me, which made me feel like an even more sore loser, i struggled with self esteem, my gender, my sexuality, my body, my personality. Basically everything a teenager would be going through except... It was really bad. So bad i wanted to end it all. I did try to push myself to commit suicide, but in the end i couldn’t go through with it. I thought it was too selfish to leave my parents and sisters behind without answers. And though at least i didn’t feel guilty for leaving them behind, i felt miserable with my life.

Fast forward to college, I was struggling. Walking around like a zombie. My education suffered, i suffered. My depression got worse. I had to quit and i spend half a year at home, in bed. Refusing to get up for anything other then food or the bathroom or maybe a shower if i felt like it. At this point i would hurt myself to distract me from the pain on the inside. If i felt pain on the outside, i wouldn’t pay attention to the fact that i felt like i couldn’t breathe, every day.

My parents eventually forced me to do some volunteer work. (no people involved, i had to go to a farm where special care was given to the disabled and feed the animals in the petting zoo there.) The animals made me feel more at ease and the fresh air did me some good. I was getting a bit better. I stopped hurting myself because the volunteer job distracted me enough. But i still felt like i couldn’t breathe. Until my parents suggested i go see a Psychiatrist. Help was help, or so i thought, so i agreed. But (and don’t get me wrong, i love my parents and respect their beliefs) the psychiatrist was from a Christian organization and he didn’t get me at.all. According to him i was suffering from a personality disorder and identity disorder. Which i KNEW wasn’t true. 

Naturally i quit therapy because the man wouldn’t listen to me. Now i’m a Christian too, and i know we aren’t all the same. But i didn’t want to risk it, so i went looking for a more open minded psychiatrist . One who was perhaps an atheist or hanging on some other religion. I didn’t care as long as he was open minded. (I didn’t feel comfortable with female psychiatrists at the time, but if i had i would have considered going to one) So i found a psychiatrist that i had a good feeling with and things started to get better. He helped me get through my trauma (I was sexually assaulted when i was eleven. Because of my low self esteem I couldn’t say ‘no’. I was too shy and timid to stick up for myself and this fucker knew and abused it.) He helped me gain more confidence. He helped me build up more self esteem and accept my sexuality. But Gender was still an issue.

Eventually we were at a stalemate. I felt like i had to figure the rest out for myself. He too said he gave me the tools i needed, but it was up to me to build my life. 

fast forward to my second attempt at collage. I struggled through a relationship that didn’t work. and ended things with my date in the start of the second year. It was a 3 year education program that eventually took me 5 and a half years to complete. But i did it. And i got my degree and boy i was proud. But then... I had to start working and put myself in the professional field. This was 3 years ago. Thinking back on the hell i went through to get where i was, i didn’t want to risk people misunderstanding me or turning me down because i was different. I kept my gender and sexuality trapped tightly in my private life. 

But you may have guessed it: It still made me feel miserable. I was lying to myself. And every time someone addressed me with female pronouns it was like someone was banging a hammer on a piano. I tried to ignore it but people started noticing i was very closed off and quiet and basically not a very happy person. I went from my first job to another employer somewhere else because i needed more hours. (there was never anything wrong with my first job, they just thought i was really shy. but i couldn’t get more hours so i moved on.) Hoping that it would be better there. Same story, same results. They noticed something was wrong. When i tried carefully to open up about what was bothering me, i got fired. That was at the start of this year. I tried hard to find a new job, the first job interview i had i felt like it had to be now or never. So i thought ‘fuck it all’ and i told them about my gender and that i preferred male pronouns even though i looked feminine. Guess what. They decided not to hire me. Big surprise. So the next time, i didn’t say a thing. 

Then i was about to get hired and then lockdown happened. And they laid me off. I was starting to feel depressed again. And helpless. Hopeless. I thought back on my first employer, and what a good time i had there despite my struggles and me being so quiet. So i was like: Why the hell not? And i tried again to get a job with the same employer. They had a place for me, not at the location i worked at before, but at a different one. Five days a week. I felt like i just witnessed a miracle when they decided to hire me. But i didn’t tell them anything about my gender or struggles, i just told them i have trouble opening up but i’m really trying. And they are patient with me and help me wherever they can. It’s also a Christian organization, but they are much more open minded then you’d expect religious people to be. (To be fair not everyone employed there is actually religious) 

Two months go by and i’m having a good time. The job is perfect, my co workers are really nice. I’m having a great time. But there is still that nagging feeling every time a kid calls me Teacher. (I’m Dutch. We don’t have a word like Teacher. With us it’s divided into Female teachers ‘Juffen’ And Male teachers ‘Meesters’) So they naturally call me the female equivalent of teacher. And i absolutely hate it. Again i hear that hammer banging on the piano and i feel like i can’t breathe. Then i learn that one of my co-workers is a Lesbian and in a relationship and everyone is acting so normal about it. And she has been working there for 6 years now. It broke something in me. I just didn’t want to lie to myself and others anymore. But because of everything that happened i was so scared to come out as Non-Binary.

So a few weeks ago i was finally so fed up with everything and the constant feeling that my chest was constricted and a knot being in my throat every time a kid called me teacher. So finally, there were some kids joking about boys and girls and what would make someone a boy or a girl. (kids are so sweet and innocent at the age of 5 they don’t know any better) So some of the girls were giggling and started calling me the male equivalent of teacher. I nearly cried. I never felt so happy in my life. But then one of my co-workers tried to correct them and i just blurted out: “Please don’t correct them. It’s fine. They can call me that.” 

She was surprised. And i thought: ‘What did i do now?’ But on second thought, it didn’t give me the chance to run away again or hide or keep struggling in silence. Because later she asked me what i meant with it and i told her my story. Of how my gender and how i was addressed effected me. I told her everything and i was shaking. I was scared, i was on the edge of crying, because i remembered all the times that me coming out as a person, with my Non-binary gender had caused me more harm then good.

She was very calm about it. I could tell she was trying her best to understand even if she was left a bit confused, and we talked about solutions. She then suggested that if it would make me really happy, then starting immediately, we would teach these kids to address me with my name instead of as a teacher. (I work in after care for kids who’s parents have to work, so we pick them up from school and look after them until dinner time when their parents pick them up. We aren’t teachers anyway.) 

I never really thought about that. And i agreed on the solution. So then we started to teach these kids to address me with my name. Another co worker i often work with heard this being brought into practice, which also kind of left me to explain to her why this was now a thing and why it needed to continue to be a thing. So i told my story to her. Again i was scared as hell, shaking and near crying. But she also responded calmly and told me she thought i was brave and that she would try to help me teach these kids to address me by my name.

I work with one other co worker on a regular basis. I haven’t told her the why yet but i asked her to help me teach the kids to address me with my name. (those kids are 6-7 years old and are a little easier when teaching something new) She agreed even if she didn’t know why. I will tell her soon. Probably next week. But i’m still nervous and my emotions are all over the place.

I also told my ehmm superior? Is that the word? I don’t know but she works at the office on our location to organize everything for everyone and make sure we have a list of which kids are coming on which days and stuff like that. I ended up telling half of my story to her too. She was interested but busy with a lot of other things too, which made it even scarier to tell her. (I always get more scared if i can’t really figure out how a person is going to respond or if the response is too vague for me to be able to tell if it was bad or good). But she was very calm about it too. So i want to see if i can sit down with her sometime and tell her my whole story to see if she can understand it a little better, and how we’re going to implement this in my work. Who needs to know, who can know and how we will solve the pronouns thing. (Although she seemed happy with the solution of calling me by my name. She seemed to support it) 

So as you can guess, after the last two weeks my emotions and feelings have been all over the place. I don’t sleep well some nights because all of this is going on and it’s so recent and fresh that i’m still worried. but... I can breathe.. For the first time since forever i can breathe. I’m happy. I’m not lying to myself. I don’t have to hide. And even if they don’t fully understand it, i’m finally being fully supported. 

(I love my parents as i’ve said before. But because of their beliefs they can’t fully support me. They will always love me. But to them i will never be anything else than their daughter and their little girl. And though it hurts my heart more then they realize, they refuse to use male pronouns for me. But they love me and they will never ever turn me away. I will always be welcome in their home. They will always love me as their child. They will never cut me off or disown me or turn away from me. So they support me. Just not 100% in the way i wished they would.) 

(My sisters are more open. Though my older sister has some trouble, she tries to use he/him even though she told me honestly that she doesn’t think she can ever see me as her little brother. So i told her ‘Don’t. Because i’m Non-Binary. Just see me as your little person.’ She laughed and said: Alright.  My little sister is the easiest. She doesn’t mind calling me Bro. She even said she always wanted a brother so she calls me dude and bro and uses he/him and i love her for it.)

But now at my work of all places (next to my few friends who use he/him as well) i have people who support me fully and try to help me be who i am without me having to feel ashamed for it or repressing it because i think being myself will cause me more harm then good. I can be myself. I can finally just let go. I have cried so hard already and i’m almost crying again typing this all out. Good god i know it’s a long story but... I’m just so overwhelmed. I needed to get this all out there one way or another. Just because i’m so overwhelmed that i need an outlet. So Tumblr. Here you go. This is my coming out story and i’m gonna go off and bawl my eyes out in a corner again because... I am overwhelmed.

[hailene]

Perfect Imperfection (3)

Perfect Imperfection| part three (final)

Characters: Jaemin x female lead, Chenle x female lead (the girl will go by the name of Aeri)

Genre: fluff, angst, writer!au, highschool!au

Word count: 5.9 K

Summary: Aeri is a the teenager who writes. Finding inspiration in anything surrounds her, her ideas go wild once she meets the perfect character, Na Jaemin. As a writer becomes obsessive with their favourite character, Aeri grows a weird passion for the bright boy. However, she's so focused on painting Jaemin as perfectly as possible, that she ignores the furry of fiery hair that takes her to night walks and shows her secret places around the town. Despite knowing everything, she forgets that playing with fire means getting burnt. And that sometimes, when we remember to stop, it's too late.

part one 》part two 》part three

There is one thing I might never understand about Zhong Chenle: how even though I am used to analyzing people in silence and figuring out by myself which type of character they are in this big story called life, I haven't figured out who he really is, despite the fact that I've known him for a while now.

And this confusion sticks with me even as he leads me back in the coffee shop we left a few minutes ago.

"Why are we here again?" I ask as he gestures me to sit at the same table, near the window.

I do so, moving quite slowly and trying to figure out why he's doing this.

"I'm sorry." He says but his face didn't look as sorrowful as his words.

"Maybe." I wave him off, slightly annoyed at the memory of his words.

"But," he continues "as the lucky soul who got to peek through your notebook, I must let you know stuff."

I look at him, my eyebrows furrowed in both annoyance and confusion.

"Such as?"

"Such as the fact that you're being obvious and the only reason why the others haven't figured out you have something for Jaemin is because they're close to both of you. It's easy for me though." He shrugs.

"No, the only reason why you know that is because you read it." I snap but he looks unfazed.

He blinks a few times as if I was shooting bullets at him but he was melting them all.

"Why Jaemin?" He asks and I look at him for quite a few seconds before saying:

"You're unbelievable... thought you've figured out I never let anybody ever get in my business when it comes to writing."

He shrugs again.

"I have," he says "but I think I might help you."

"I don't need your help, Chenle." I say but my voice comes out softer than I wanted it to.

"Maybe." He smiles. "But if you're only ever going to write Jaemin's portrayal, you won't ever get a story done... stories need action, right?"

I don't say anything, too annoyed at his control over the situation to come up with any kind of witty remark.

"He needs to make you feel in some certain way for you to be able to write about him... those shivers that you feel whenever he smiles at you are far from enough, honey."

I frown at the last word but as I let my brain process the information, I realize that deep down, he's right. All I have been doing has been writing about Jaemin and creating fake scenarios in my head that never seemed to actually be good enough to be written.

"So what do you suggest?" I ask trying to sound uninterested.

He smiles and I realize I didn't sound enough uninterested.

"Well, we can start with his dark-like-night coffee," he says "so you can get in the mood, you know?"

***

Weeks and months pass like this, my encounters with Chenle being more and more frequent, to the point Hyuck asked me if there was something going on between us. There wasn't. Little did everybody know how big of a help Chenle was to me in writing about the story of Jaemin's character. He was telling me stuff that the older boy was saying at the basketball trainments and little gestures of his, but he was also discretely pinching me whenever my starring was too obvious while we hung out together. The other day, we exchanged notes during class and I was trying so hard to contain my laughter as I was really close to getting detention. He's also made a habit out of sending me memes at ungodly hours, ruining my sleeping schedule, but they were so funny that I couldn't regret it.

Walking out of school, I bump into somebody taller than me, making me slightly stumble backwards.

"I'm so sor-... Jaemin?" I say as I look at the hazelnut-haired boy who looked just as surprised as I was.

We haven't had the chance to see each other in a while and I was genuinely happy to see him now, my heart jumping in my chest, like a bird in a cage. We end up going for coffee as it was almost weekend and none of us had too many assignments to do. We order the usual, hot chocolate for me and iced americano with 2.5 extra shots of espresso for Jaemin- drink which, by the way, tasted even more bitter than it looked like.

We chat for a while, more like making conversation than actually talking about important things, maybe that was also because I was too aware of his presence and of the way the warm lights in the coffee shop made his eyes sparkle.

"Aeri, there's something I wanted to ask you." He says at some point. "I've been thinking about this and I think you're the perfect person to ask for help from... that, of course, if you want to."

"Go ahead." I say, gesturing him to say whatever he has to say.

He shifts a bit in his seat, something a bit unusual for Jaemin, but I let it slide.

"My mom is having this fancy relatives and close friends reunion at our house next weekend and she asked me to bring a friend... she meant to bring my girlfriend, but since I don't have one..."

"So you want me to be your fake girlfriend for a day?" I ask, a bit taken aback by his idea.

He gives me one of his charming smiles and I mentally curse at him for being so annoyingly attractive and for making my heart flutter this much.

"Uh... yeah." He says. "But it's completely fine if you don't want to, it's a stupid idea anyway, I should've-..."

"I'll do it." I say, avoiding my gaze. His mouth goes slightly agape but he slightly shakes his head, in order to get back to his senses.

"Have you just said you...?"

I chuckle my anxiety away.

"Yeah, it's not big deal anyway." I smile.

It is, actually. A huge deal.

"That's... that's great!" He smiles, his face lighting up once again. "I can't thank you enough, Aeri."

"Nah, that's alright." I smile. "So, how fancy should I dress?"

***

A fun fair was the last place I expected we'd go to when Chenle texted me he'd pick me up in 10 minutes. Yet here we were, my notebook stuffed in my bag alongside some pens and a bottle of water. I didn't really like this kind of places but I didn't want to let Chenle know it, he seemed too excited and for once, I didn't want to ruin that.

After a few rides on Chenle's favourite machines, he gets us a double sized cotton candy, both of us deciding it was time to simply sit on a bench and catch our breath. I open my notebook and write down a few words about how fascinated the roller coaster rides made me feel but how I regret screaming the whole time because now my throat was sore. It wasn't that bad. However, I was far from enjoying this whole thing as much as Chenle. The sparks in his eyes seemed to shine even brighter than the colourful neon lights in the amusement park and that was such a pretty sight to see.

"So," he begins, stuffing a piece of pink cotton candy in his mouth "how do you feel?"

I shrug as I write some words in my notebook.

"I don't really know, I think the last ride has brainwashed me." I say and he laughs, some people walking by turning their heads towards the fiery-haired boy.

Because even his laugh was brighter than the whole park.

"Such a shame." He shakes his head. "Did you like it though?"

"Enough much to make me write some pretty cool stuff in here." I say pointing towards my notebook.

He smiles fondly and I feel sparkles of happiness fluttering in my chest at the sight of his bright smile. I should've grown used to it by now, I get to see it every time he takes me places, it's like he's my personal guide (even though the furthest we've been was some opening in the close proximity of our town) and he enjoys his job so much. But I can't seem to get used to how happy these trips make me feel. I note down some words, slowly drifting away from the reality surrounding me. However, Chenle's words make their way to me, making me flinch slightly.

"Have you decided on his name?" He asks and I smile.

"Yeah," I answer "Jem... it's pretty much short from Jaemin but you can also take it as 'gem' which makes me think of bright lights and sparkles and... basically Jaemin..."

A small smile makes its way up to my lifs as I lower my head, as if trying to hide from Chenle, but there was nothing to hide anymore.

"That's a nice idea." I hear him saying. "I guess it can work."

I nod.

"Thanks... you know, you're really helping me a lot in all of this."

It's his turn to nod, with a sweet smile plastered on his lips.

"Yeah," he whispers after I no longer pay attention to him "I guess I am."

***

"You did what?"

"I know you've heard it from the first time and I would sincerely appreciate if you guys stopped acting like deaf grandpas." I say folding my arms over my chest. "Plus it's not such a big deal."

"Yeah, it's only for a day." Yeji adds from the other corner of the room.

"Wait, you knew?" Jeno asks turning to her but she simply shrugs.

"You're still coming to the study night, right?" Chenle asks and I cam literally feel myself mentally face palming in that moment.

"N-no, Chenle, I'm so so sorry! It's at the same night with Jaemin's..."

"That's okay." He says simply and for a while, the thought that he's not mad soothes me.

Chenle is never mad.

"You guys are acting all shocked when the poor girl is meeting Nana's family and she has nothing to wear." Yeji rolls her eyes and I chuckle, despair clearly written across Jeno's face.

"Please don't tell me-"

"Hell yeah, we're going shopping." Yeji smiles devilishly and I can basically see Jeno's soul leaving his body like in the cartoons.

"And you guys are coming." I add, looking at Jeno, Chenle and Renjun, all of them looking devastated by the flash news that we're going to the mall.

"Actually... I can't, I have something else to do for the rest of the day... " Chenle says.

"Oh no, Zhong, you're not running away." Yeji says standing up but he smiles and for a second, I see a dash of exhaustion on his face.

But Chenle is never exhausted.

"It's not like that, Yeji. I'm sorry, I'll see you guys, later."

And with that, he leaves the gym, silence floating in the air for a few seconds, maybe because none of us has ever seen Chenle being so serious. So unlike his usual self.

And then it clicks to me. Chenle is never mad. He is silent. And when Zhong Chenle is silent, the end of the world might as well be close.

***

The fancy party was far from being what I had expected, the atmosphere was far from being as dense as I'd thought it would be. Jaemin's mom was a sweetheart and her eyes sparkled with happiness when she saw me, almost the same way as Jaemin's eyes light up when he's excited about something. The other guests were actually really nice and so unlike the gossip-lover kind of old people that I had imagined.

One of mrs. Na's friends excused herself in order to answer a call while we were talking about the career as a novelist (fun fact: she was miss Kang's aunt and she seemed to share the passion for writing with her niece) and Jaemin suddenly showed up near me, making me slightly flinch.

"Everything alright?" He asks and I nod with a genuine smile on my face.

"To be honest I didn't really expect to enjoy this evening so much." I say.

He smiles and looks at me with his warm glimmering eyes and for a second time seems to stop and the background music, the chatter and the laughter seem to fade away.

"Aw look at them, they're so cute together!" I hear the lady I was talking to earlier saying.

Another woman which I recognize as being Jaemin's grandmother stares at us in awe and I feel my cheeks heating up. I smile awkwardly as I feel Jaemin's hand sneaking up over my shoulders and pulling me closer to him, breath hitching in my throat.

"Yeah, she's the cutest." He says smiling and I slowly lift my head to look at him, searching for any kind of humour on his face.

Did he really say that? Or was I dreaming?

He looks down at my face and the closeness of our faces makes my eyes slightly widen. Maybe he figures it out, because a sweet grin makes its way up to his lips and I feel my cheeks getting hot once again.

"Excuse us for a second..." Jaemin says without taking his eyes off me and pulls me by my left wrist towards the backyard of his house.

We leave the ladies chuckling and giving each other suggestive looks and honestly, I wasn't so sure how I was feeling about that. Once we arrive in the backyard, he lets go of my wrist and looks at me with the same sweet smile that made my knees turn to jelly a few minutes ago. However, I decide to gather up my courage and stand tall because my walls couldn't be broken down so easy, so fast. I needed my cover to be able to write about him. I needed to keep myself in the position of the observer. I couldn't step in the action or things could've gone bad.

"What was that about?" I ask crossing my arms over my chest.

His smile widens as he steps closer to me.

"What did you want it to be?" He asks in a lower tone and my eyes slightly widen again.

This is not Jem. Jem would never act like this.

He chuckles at the sight of my face.

"Nothing, don't worry, Aeri." He says smiling. "There's somebody I don't wanna hurt."

"Whom?" I ask confused.

His smile fades slightly, a glint of surprise crossing his face.

"Somebody who cares deeply about you." He smiles.

I shake my head after my brain proceeds his words.

"No way, Jem, Jeno is my best friend-..."

"I wasn't talking about him." He still smiles, despite the seriousness of the conversation and I can't help but mentally curse at him for making me feel so torn.

Who could possibly care about me so deeply that me and Jaemin being a thing could hurt them?

"Why did you bring me here?" His smile widens once again and he looks at the ground for a second, before looking into my eyes once again.

"To thank you. Like really thank you, if you weren't here, I would probably be sitting in the living room and listening to my uncle's stories about his first car."

I laugh.

"That's alright, I'll always be here if you need anything." I smile.

He shakes his head.

"You shouldn't." He says with a tint of bitterness in his voice.

"Why is that?" I ask.

He looks at me for a few seconds, giving me enough time to admire his perfect features.

"Children, we're serving the cake now!" Jaemin's mom says from behind us and I flinch in surprise.

"We're coming!" Jaemin gestures her and I look at him, disappointed that I might never get my answer.

Sensing that, he simply smiles again.

"Take care of yourself, Aeri."

He says before we get in the house once again.

***

"It was insane. Honestly. I didn't know he would be so similar to the way I created Jem. It was ethereal, the way he looked screamed prince, I swear..." I say as I lay tiredly in my bed, a long sigh leaving my mouth. "And his mom was a total sweetheart, her cooking skills were incredible, for real. I wonder if Jaemin is as good at cooking as his mother. That would certainly be a huge plus to his character to be honest."

The boy sitting on my desk chair doesn't say anything and I roll in my bed to look at him.

"Don't you think so?" I ask as I hug one of my pillows.

The fiery-haired boy looks at me, his eyes lacking the usual glint of happiness that they always seemed to hold. Maybe he was tired after a day of school, as I was too.

"I guess." He sighs. "If it was good enough to make you write, that's nice."

"Yeah, it was... but like, it was more than enough," I say. "I didn't feel like I was playing a role, I felt like I belonged there."

"Don't lose yourself in the story, Aeri." He says on a concerned tone and I sit in my bed, legs crossed, still holding my pillow.

"I won't, but this..." I begin "this is no longer a story, Chenle, this is my reality, Jaemin might-..."

"No, Jem might, Aeri... not Jaemin." He says while standing up. "You have been so obsessed with writing about Jaemin that you forgot which version is real."

"I... didn't forget, what are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the fact that you should probably stop thinking about Jaemin as your superhero, because he's not Jem." He sighs.

"But-..."

"There is nothing dramatic about Jaemin for you to romanticize, okay?" He says, with a glint of exhaustion in his eyes.

"I'm not romanticizing anything, just because I like Jaemin, it doesn't mean I-..." I stop in midsentence when I realize what I've just said.

Despite the fact that I should be comfortable around Chenle, somehow this topic seems sensitive and definitely not a good choice to talk about now.

"You're not in love with Jaemin, Aeri." He says with bitterness. "You're in love with a lie."

I frown and stand up, crossing arms over my chest.

"And you're saying this because you know so much about how love works." I snap back and he simply shrugs, picking up his back-pack.

"Not your problem." He mutters.

"Hey... hey, I thought you'd at least understand if I told you I had feelings for Jaemin!" I say, feeling rage taking over me at the sudden change in his behavior.

Chenle never rises his voice. Chenle is never grumpy. Chenle is never exhausted. When he is mad, he is silent. Or ignorant. He stops in his tracks and for a second I feel like I might've said the wrong thing, which has never happened to me before around him.

"You thought wrong." He says. "I don't understand you at all."

"Do you really think-..." But before I can finish my question, Chenle leaves my room with big steps, without paying attention to my words.

"Chenle, wait-..." I run after him but before I can catch up, I hear the entrance door slamming and I know he's already gone.

I scream in frustration, as if it could bring him back. He won't come back, I know that for some reason. However, I can't help but be bothered by what has just happened between us because it felt unfair to me. He was unfair to me. He was supposed to support me in this, not tell me what I feel and what I don't.

And maybe there was something more than frustration, something that I didn't want to admit to myself, because I simply didn't want to feel like a bitch, something that made me fall on my knees and cry after my throat went dry from so much screaming. It felt like I'd lost Chenle. But it felt like I had lost a part of myself as well.

***

A few weeks have passed and to be honest, the one I've spent my time the most with has been Donghyuck. Jeno was busy with Yeji since they were (finally) officially dating, Renjun was traveling somewhere in Europe for a school exchange and there was no way I could talk to Chenle. I simply couldn't. Jaemin's mom invited me over for dinner tonight and I felt terrible that I had to decline. It wasn't that I didn't want to go, it was just that I couldn't bring myself to do it, I was feeling guilty for some reason.

That's why I asked Jaemin to meet me after classes today.

"I'm so sorry." I say, looking at the steaming hot chocolate in front of me.

"Don't worry about it." Jaemin smiles. "Mom will understand, that's literally the last thing you should be thinking about now."

I sigh and take a sip from my hot chocolate, hissing when it burns my tongue.

"Are you okay?" I hear Jaemin asking and I wave it off.

"It's just a burn, not even that bad." I mutter.

He chuckles with a spark of bitterness, only making my feeling of guilt grow.

"I wasn't talking about that." He smiles. "I was talking about how you feel."

I look at him, trying to ignore the pang in my chest and the constant feeling that I'm suffocating. I should be alright, I should be happy that I get to hang out with Jaemin. So why am I not?

"Jaemin, why... why did you say that I shouldn't be there for you?" I ask and his smile doesn't even fade.

"Because -..." He pauses and sighs, thinking.

"I... like you." I say out of the blue and I avoid my gaze, without necessarily waiting for a response. "Or at least, that's what... I think..."

I hear him sighing and I look at him once again.

"My mom used to tell me" he begins "that she fell in love with dad because he made her feel alive." He smiles and averts his gaze, looking out of the window of the café for a few seconds.

Then, he looks at me again.

"That's the definition that I've had about love my whole life... and I've started to believe in it more and more lately. But Aeri..."

He gives me one of his sweet smiles, but this time, it is filled with concern.

"...I don't think I'm the one who makes you feel alive."

And that was when I realized that truly, he was not. Because I wasn't sad that I'd been turned down.

I was thankful.

***

Today was the first day of judging for the writing contest and I was disappointed to see that none of the works that I've been given to judge was even close to my expectations. Renjun had warned me that none of the contestants would come close to my talent, but I laughed it off, asking him to stop with the sweet talk. My expectations weren't high, they were decent, but nothing seemed to get me interested. Nothing seemed to make me want to read further and so the whole time felt dull to me.

"I'm seriously going to hit you with a basketball if you keep zoning out any longer." I hear Hyuck saying and I sigh.

"Sorry, I was just... thinking." I say.

"Yeah, I know, the same way you have been doing for the past 16 days, 12 hours and... almost 37 minutes." He says checking his smartwatch.

I roll my eyes and sigh once again.

"I have to finish marking the essays for the writing contest by Thursday and I'm so not in the mood for that." I mutter closing my eyes in exhaustion.

I have been unable to write anything worth reading ever since I fought with Chenle and somehow, everything I've been doing ever since then feels wrong and incomplete. All I can do is focus on judging for the writing contest, even though I couldn't find a real motivation for that anymore either.

"Aeri?" I turn my head to my right and see miss Kang looking at me with her warm smile.

She was wearing a blue silk dress, her dark hair falling nicely in waves on her shoulders. Miss Kang was one of the nicest people I'd ever met and one of the only people ever who could understand my passion for writing. That was one of the reasons why I loved her.

"Oh, hello, miss!" I say standing up from my desk, slightly stumbling on my feet.

"Careful there." She chuckles. "Okay so I believe you're close to finishing your marking these days, but I wanted to show you this essay that came in my set. I'm not pressuring you or anything, I just you to mark this one too. I guess you'll figure out why I'm asking you to do this too. Is that alright with you?" She asks handing me a paper, probably a copy of the essay she has mentioned.

"Of course." I nod, taking the paper.

"That's great." She says smiling widely. "I'll see you later!"

She leaves the class as smoothly as she has entered and as soon as she does that, Donghyuck tries to snatch the paper from my hands.

"No way, nobody is reading these outside the judges, sweetie." I tell him and he rolls his eyes in annoyance.

"Fine, dumbass, as you say..."

The curiosity makes me unable to wait until I get home so after my English class, I take the paper from my backpack and unfold it, taking in the amount of words scribbled on the paper, with a handwriting that felt awfully familiar to me.

"If we run fast enough, maybe time won't be able to catch up with us..."

I lose myself in the words of the essay, being weirdly intrigued by every single line, unlike anything that I had read before while judging.

"...there are so many ways we can see the world and we don't even need to choose one, everyday is a new chance to rewrite it all from a new point of view. We can be whatever we want to be..."

It was speaking to me, weirdly, it felt like it was written for me, I could feel it on a different level and that was scaring me more than anything. Every word, every line, every feeling put on this paper, it all felt familiar. As if I've experienced it too.

"...but after all, we're just going on roller coaster rides, where lights blend and everything shines, where problems fade and we almost lose ourselves. That's alright- because even though the thrill will wash away her memory of me, her eyes will still sparkle. And that's enough, because like that, even time would stop to admire her beauty."

I stare at the piece of paper in my shaking hands, trying to run away from the realization that was becoming clearer and clearer in my head. The handwriting, the lines, the way all the words seemed to be made to be put together like that. It was perfect. But the essay was talking about so much imperfections that lives, our lives had in common. It was a twisted combination of feelings and memories and wild nights spent in funfairs and aquariums, in cafes and libraries, nowhere and everywhere at the same time.

I stand up, taking my back-pack and heading home. I had to finish marking essays and I had to do that now.

***

"Miss, I am sorry, but I can't grade this essay." I say showing miss Kang the paper she gave me a few days ago.

She smiles and not even the cold lights from the empty classroom we were in could take her warmth away.

"I won't ask why. I was actually more curious about your opinion on it, compared to the rest of the essays."

I look at her in exasperation, then at the damned piece of paper.

"It's good.... Actually, no, it's..." I sigh "It's more than good, it's amazing, it speaks so fluently and it shows so many feelings that the reader might even feel like part of it all, it takes you in, casting a spell on your mind and when you finish it, it spits you back to the reality and it just... breaks your heart..." I say, my voice cracking at the end, but miss Kang chooses to ignore it, nodding in agreement instead.

"I asked you to read this because the other judges and I have been thinking to give this essay the first place." She explains. "So what do you think?"

I feel tears stinging my eyes. Experiences that I have felt, things I have been through, put on paper, are getting the first place.

"I-I guess that's the best choice..."

"Aeri?"

I look at her and she smiles sadly.

"Do you know the other reason why I asked you to read this?" She asks softly and I shake my head. "It's because... I saw a small part of you in it, a tint of your writing style in it, a spark of your aura. Something... something that made me believe you'd connect with this better than anybody."

I turn my head away in order to wipe my tears away. The pain in my chest was almost suffocating and all I wanted to do was run home and cry my eyes dry under a blanket.

"I think I was right." She says and I sniff slightly, trying to ignore the effect that the essay has had over me.

And it wasn't just the essay. It was its owner as well.

I find myself walking towards the basketball pitch, hoping that I could find whoever I was looking for. If I was in love with Jaemin, my heart wouldn't hurt this much right now. If I had feelings for anybody else, I wouldn't feel like somebody ripped my chest open. How could I be wrong, how could I possibly be wrong, when I am so used to analyzing everybody around me and foresee all the possible cases? How could I lie to myself like this?

A basket ball rolls down to my feet and I pick it up, looking in front of me, only to be met with the sight of a mess of a fiery hair, staring back at me. I feel tears stinging my eyes and I step towards him, leaving only two steps between him and I. After inhaling deeply, I throw him the ball and he catches it perfectly, with his incontestable basketball skills. He dribbles it a few times and I could've sworn my heart was beating almost as loud as the thumps of the ball.

"Why did you write that?" I ask silently, trying to look into his eyes.

He wasn't confused. He knew all too well what I was talking about and that only made more tears gather behind my eyes. I knew I couldn't be wrong. Not this time. Not regarding this.

"I felt like it." He answers, shrugging and I feel like screaming, frustrated at the fact that he can control his emotions so well, unlike me.

"You felt like it? You f-felt like it, Chenle?" I let out a small whimper. "You wrote about all of that just because you felt like it?"

He shrugs and I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself. I was the wrong one and still I was the one asking for explanation from him when it should be the other way.

"I... Miss Kang asked me to read your essay because she thought it's the best one out of the whole competition. She asked me to grade it. I... I couldn't." I sigh. "Maybe I'm selfish to find myself in it so much but... I do? All the late night walks and evenings spent in fun fairs or reading comics on the floor of the library... we d-did that, didn't we? We did all of those, hell we did much more... w-why couldn't I understand earlier..."

"You confessed to Jaemin." He speaks and my eyes widen.

Of course Jaemin told him.

"There was... nothing to confess." I say softly. "I thought I had feelings for him, but... I guess you were right. It has never been him."

He looks at me and sighs, before diverting his gaze.

"Look, Aeri, it's really not my business, I shouldn't have said those things,but..." He sighs, shaking his head. "Thank you for reading my essay-..."

"Chenle!"

He looks at me, a little bit startled by my loud voice.

"A-All this time..." I start "it has been you." I sniff. "Not Jaemin, not Jem, not any other imaginary prince charming, not anybody else. It has always been just you. You... make me feel so happy and... and alive... I have always taken you for granted and realized how important you were to me just after you left... B-Because I'm freaking stupid a-and... all I know is to create scenarios in my head and drown in them until I can no longer tell what's fantasy and what's real."

He looks at me but I can't figure out his expression because of the amount of tears in my eyes.

"I am s-so sorry, Chenle." I try to say but my voice comes out as a whisper. “You have all t-the rights to hate m-me...”

"I wrote that because you inspire me to always do better and never give up on my dreams, you... you work so hard for yours and you..." he lets out a heavy breath. "You make me feel. Everything. I think... that's how I could write that essay, I was thinking about you the whole time. All the feelings that I put in it... you made me feel them. Aeri..."

I look at him, quickly wiping the tears that were rolling on my cheeks already.

"I'm in love with you."

I feel myself taking a deep breath and letting out the sobs that I have swallowed for so long. I feel two arms engulfing me into a warm hug and the familiar scent of soap and mint taking over my senses. I bury my head in Chenle's chest as he caresses my back gently as if I was a frightened cat. I wasn't far from being one though.

"Is it that bad?" He asks gently and I chuckle but it comes out more as a chocked sob and Chenle laughs.

Loud, bright, genuinely. Exactly how I love him.

"Okay gross, you're ruining his T-shirt, crybaby." I hear Hyuck saying behind me and my friends' laughter following after.

"You're next, fucker!" I say in a dry voice and Chenle laughs once again.

He was not perfect. He was far from being perfect. But somehow all the imperfections that were part of him made him be perfect in my eyes. He was more than what I deserved to get and I was more than thankful to the heavens for dragging him into my life. I had always tried to be perfect, to write, to act, to speak perfectly. But he has showed me that there's beauty in imperfection. There is perfection in imperfection.

And he is the living proof for that.

~The End~

A/N: It’s been SO long, I am so sorry! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this lil story. Thank you so much for reading it, it really means a lot to me!♥ I would like to write short stories like this one in the future as well, what would you guys want to read about?

hailene x

[bleucolor]

Last time I tried to post a giyushino fanfic and since i navigate myself through Tumblr like a boomer, I accidentally deleted my story. I felt like a whole ass clown but I'm feeling hopeful and I'm back with another prompt using the moon. This takes place in a modern AU where both Giyuu and Shinobu are teenagers. A random drabble for Giyushino which was inspired by being quarantined at home. Hope y'all enjoy and please do send some love 🥺👉👈

Moonlight and Sunrise

Giyuu and Shinobu were friends, however this fact was quite shocking to others due to their Light and Day personas. Tomioka Giyuu was a loner, he had like maybe 2 solid friends being Sabito and Makomo and the others were at max labeled as acquaintances. Shinobu wasn't the most popular one at their highschool but she was well known. She would always be seen alongside her two best friends, Sanemi the oversized delinquent who'd actually bite your head clear off and Uzui the player; who'd get girls left and right. With attention at both sides of the bay it'd be obvious that Shinobu would be well known around their school, being head of the pharmaceutical research club and still being an avid member of the fishing club and the flower arranging club gave Kochou quite the recognition around Kimestu Academy.

Giyuu happened to be in a different class than Sabito and Makomo to his demise thus forcing him to be the lonesome sheep he is. His classmates didn't bother much about him either and nor did he. To him, Kyojurou was too loud, Sanemi was too reckless and Iguro was too emo. He once even referred to Mitsuri as a horse girl to Sabito, but he later concluded that Kanroji was just a rare hybrid of a Taki girl or a hot cheeto girl and Himejima was that one person who believed in horoscopes too seriously, sometimes he'd do tarot readings for his other classmates which Giyuu honestly found quite cool. Whereas Shinobu was someone Giyuu would've honestly never associated in the first place and truthfully speaking their duo wouldn't even exist if Shinobu hadn't approached him first. Shinobu was more of a bully to Giyuu primarily but later Giyuu had opened up to her about how he thought of her as a close friend and that softened Shinobu's heart and strengthed their bond. Although Kyojurou was the smartest kid in the class; even securing his title as class president; Ubuyashiki sensei always made sure to pair up Shinobu and Giyuu together during class projects thus leading to frequent study sessions together. Towards the end of the year, Shinobu became the third person in the entirety of Kimetsu Academy to be close to Giyuu, the 1st and 2nd being Sabito and Makomo and 4th being a special freshman called Tanjiro.

Even though his classmates were rather annoying, Giyuu never did hate any of them. In fact it was hard for Giyuu to genuinely hate anybody in the first place but then there was this one person and that person was Shinobu's oh so charming boyfriend, Douma. Giyuu saw through his pretty boy personality when she first introduced him. He ranted about it to Sabito the very night, complaining about how he's all fake and it's all just a matter of time before that facade comes of. Sabito didn't miss a beat and told Giyuu to suggest a suitable partner for Shinobu instead, to which Giyuu had no answer to. And as per said prophecy it didn't take long for Shinobu to see Douma's true intentions and she decided a queen like her deserved better than this.

It was finally summer break and Giyuu and Shinobu had finally completed 12 painstaken years of schooling along with the others of course. Shinobu decided to host a little get together and hang out with the people she cared about one last time before they drifted apart into adulthood.

Giyuu reached the mall at about 8 pm and walked straight to the food court since Shinobu informed him that's where they would be. To his horror, Shinobu had invited a great deal of people, including those who didn't like him, example being his whole class. As always his presence was ignored by his classmates but thankfully amidst the groups of people, Giyuu noticed a particular red head named Sabito, aka his best friend. Sabito and Makomo were both invited too. Giyuu and Shinobu's friendship caused Shinobu to become good friends with Sabito as well, both of them developed a special bond while they both took turns into bullying poor Tomioka. Shinobu was sitting next to Kimetsu Academy's mascot boy, Inosuke, who looked way too soft for his harsh demeanor. Shinobu had a soft spot for this freshman. She had told Tomioka of how he filled the gap of her need of a younger brother. Unlike Tomioka, Shinobu had a lot of sisters; Kanae who was the eldest, Aoi was a year younger than Shinobu and then came Kanao who was 2 years younger than Shinobu, and lastly were the triplets, Naho, Sumi and Kiyo who were just middle schoolers. Inosuke was a bratty kid who'd frequently get into trouble for having a foul mouth but he was close to Tanjiro and weirdly Kochou's little sister, Kanao's best friend. The butterfly sisters loved having brutes as best friends for some reason, it didn't make sense but somehow worked out for them.

"Inosuke, promise you'll leave that nasty reputation behind."

"I ain't making any promises till you promise you'll send me 3 boxes of foreign chocolate every month." he crossed his arm and looked the other side.

Shinobu softly smiled at him, she was definitely going to miss this kid alot. "Alright Inosuke, I'll make sure to send you the latest ps4 games as well."

Inosuke's eyes lit up as he shook hands with Shinobu to confirm the deal. A subtle smile tugged at the corner of Giyuu's lips.

Giyuu went over to the table Sabito and Makomo were seated at and took a seat opposite to Sabito. It didn't take long for Shinobu to note his presence and she went over to their table and took a seat next to Giyuu. "Aww Tomioka-san, look this is a good farewell party for you, all your friends are here right Infront of you." she snorted.

Giyuu sent her a painful expression. Must she do this even on the day when he supposedly bids her farewell? "Tanjiro's not here though."

"So Kochou, did you get your acceptance letter?" Sabito tried desperately to break the awkward silence.

"oh yes I did, luckily I got into the university I wanted to. I'll be shifting to Canada a few months from now."

"That's so cool. Congrats!" Sabito sent her a beaming smile.

Giyuu was quiet, he was silently studying Shinobu, maybe this was the last time he was going to see her. She was wearing a Yellow ruffle top that was paired up with skinny ripped jeans and her 5 pound white filas, her hair was tied into a half ponytail; she looked cute. Alot of people would've assumed Giyuu's sense of fashion was probably as bland as his personality but surprisingly the guy had drip. He wore a plain black shirt paired up with dark denim jeans and chains to accessorise. Giyuu was an eboy. His sense of fashion honestly made him look quite intimidating but it added a spice to his laid back bland persona, maybe that's why Shinobu had taken an interest to him in the first place.

And almost too soon the party had came to an end as the clock struck 11 PM. Shinobu was probably tired of getting squeezed everytime she got hugged goodbye. One by one, everyone started to leave and before they knew it, a very ominous pair was left behind, and that pair being Giyuu and Shinobu.

"Sabito-kun is a very nice lad. You have great friends Tomioka-san." Shinobu complimented.

"He's nice because he walked Makomo home at 11pm?"

"Well yes, that's rather a very gentlemanly behavior. Don't you think so?"

"You know I've been doing that to you in every single one of our study dates right?" Giyuu raised an eyebrow, right now he seemed like a puppy wagging his tail to receive pats from its master.

Shinobu's cheeks flushed a pale shade of pink when Giyuu had referred to their study session as study dates mistakenly. It was just a slip of a tongue that's all. "My Tomioka-san, are you waiting for me to compliment you?"

"It's nice to hear you say something good about me once in a while Kochou." he pouted like a child.

"If that's what you want...then alright. Walk me home one last time Tomioka san."

"No." he blurted almost too bluntly causing Shinobu to frown almost too evidently. "I'll take you home on my bike instead, this time."

Shinobu was quite taken aback to his sudden kind gesture. Her stomach swelled up with a weird feeling. A mix of happiness with sadness that this was the first and last time she'd get to ride behind his bike.

Giyuu had disappeared for a split second into the parking lot leaving a timid Shinobu pondering. He did mention he really liked bikes. Weirdly as a highschooler, Shinobu always wanted to cruise behind a boy's motorcycle at least once during her high school years and well this was her chance. In 3 minutes Giyuu showed up in a Ducati xdiavel Infront of Shinobu. He patted on the seat next to him gesturing her to come take a seat behind him and so she did after admiring Giyuu and his totally hot ride. Not gonna lie his attire went really well with his bike, she almost felt like she was starring in some music video as they cruised into the dark streets.

Shinobu shrieked almost losing her grip as Giyuu hit a speed bump.

"Kochou." he called out to her, getting her attention.

"Hm?"

"Hold onto me, or you'll fall." his words left Shinobu all flustered and hot but she was quick to oblige, she didn't want any broken bones right before her flight. She also silently thanked the gods that it was too dark for Giyuu to make out her flushed red cheeks.

"Tomioka-san? When did you get this sweet thing?"

"It was a gift from my dad."

"But what if you have to move away for uni? What will happen to it then?"

"I'll take it with me, I haven't gotten a number plate for it yet so I'll just ship it using a ferry or something."

Shinobu wrapped her arms around his waist tightly. She wondered if she was the first girl to sit on his bike. She also wondered about the other girls who would eventually later sit on his bike.

"Kochou, are you in a hurry to go home?" Giyuu suddenly asked.

"Not really, mom and dad are staying at my grandparents' place in the country side and Nee-san just wants me to spend my last few days as free spirited teenager."

"Spend this night with me." he suddenly blurted.

"What?" she choked on her words. Giyuu had become way to daring these days, saying whatever he wanted and bruising poor Shinobu's heart with his choice of words.

"Come on, I wanna show you something." he reassured her in a soothing tone.

"Alright Tomioka-san, as long as you don't get us into trouble I'm good."

He soon parked into a quiet neighborhood. Jesus, this placed seemed abandoned for God's sake, what did he have to show her here? the grudge or babadook?

"Tomioka-san are you sure about this place." Shinobu sent him a nervous look as she tugged at the hem of his shirt.

Giyuu looked into her eyes as he held his hand out to her,"Trust me Kochou." and so she did. They now walked into this dark neighborhood, her tiny hand still enclasped with his large ones. Giyuu knew Shinobu wasn't a big fan of places like these. Places that screamed paranormal activity but the fact the she obliged quite quickly did make him realize how much she trusted him and deep down it made Tomioka Giyuu happy.

"isn't this place restricted or anything? Are we allowed to come here?" Shinobu asked almost too loudly.

Giyuu quickly covered her mouth with his large hands and pulled her into a dark alleyway. Shinobu was quite confused at his sudden antics. She sent him a raised eyebrow as he pinned her against a stone wall, his hand still covering her mouth and almost immediately a Patrol guard walked right past them on the streets. He quickly let go of her and pressed his index finger against his lips gesturing her to stay quiet. "it's alright as long as you don't get caught." he whispered to which she rolled her eyes. He held her hand once again and walked to the biggest house in the area, the house was 4 stories high and Giyuu seemed to have a weird tactic of slipping by the backdoor without getting noticed every time.

"So Tomioka-san, you wanted to show me an abandoned house. Very funny."

"They're not abandoned, they're on sale." He replied walking towards the kitchen.

Shinobu followed him precautiously, "And you're treating it like you own it."

"Only for a while." he replied as he took out 2 bottles of flavored milk. He handed Shinobu the strawberry flavored one knowing that was her favorite and kept the melon flavored one for himself.

"Tomioka-san what's the meaning of this?" she asked one last time, quite getting tired of his shit, really.

Giyuu didn't reply but held her hand as walked upstairs, practically forcing her to follow behind him. They soon reached the attic.

Shinobu was a little taken aback seeing all the clutter of furnite up there. Giyuu pulled up the glass window revealing a beautiful full moon night, how come Shinobu didn't notice that before? And then Tomioka started doing something stupid, which was climbing out of the attic window. Shinobu quickly grabbed his arm as a result of an involuntary reflex, "Are you stupid, do you want to die?"

Giyu was now standing on the roof of a 4 story house with a nerve wrecked Shinobu holding his arm. "Trust me Kochou." he spoke holding out his hand to her.

She shifted her gaze from his moonlit eyes to his hand. Did she trust him with her life? Yes, yes she did. She placed her hand on his and he carefully helped her outside. "Tomioka-san I don't see any point in all of thi-" Shinobu was cut off with the picturesque view of the moon and its bright stars right Infront of her.

Giyuu took a seat next to her, observing the view alongside her. He slowly sipped his melon drink while Shinobu quietly enjoyed her strawberry drink. His gaze shifted from the scenic beauty Infront of him to the other scenic beauty next to him (im a little gay for Shinobu sorry) and there she was Kochou Shinobu, the stars reflected in her eyes as she absent-mindedly stared into the sky being lost in her own void and Giyuu just watched her, she looked even cuter now.

It didn't take long for Shinobu to catch him staring which almost made him choke his drink.

"Are you okay?" she asked him.

"Yeah." he replied after his coughing fits died down. He decided to lay down and enjoy the beauty the night had to offer and Shinobu copied him, laying down next to him. Giyuu had quickly slid his arm towards Shinobu, allowing her to rest her huge head on his arm.

"Tomioka-san." she called out to him making his gaze lock with hers.

"Hm?"

"Thank you. I needed this."

He sent her a soft smile as he tucked behind a strand of her hair behind her ear, "You're welcome."

"You know Tomioka-san, since you've been craving compliments I guess I'll finally give you one." Giyuu softly observed her, wondering what she'd say. "If i were to describe you to a person Tomioka-san. This scenery would suffice."

"Hm?" he raised an eyebrow, "How so?"

"It kinda matches with your personality you know, It's as quiet and mysterious as the night but nevertheless if you observe closely it has all this beauty to offer." she smiled at him, and this time it hurt him. It made him feel weird. It didn't take long for Giyuu's cheeks to be flushed red under the silver moonlight. Giyuu couldn't reply to this, heck he couldn't even force any words through his mouth. Shinobu smiled and gazed back at the stars once again. She was hit a wave of familiarity, this was her and Giyuu's relationship, it was a bit complicated but it was a bit too beautiful to lose. She started to feel her stomach coil in sadness realising this was the last possible memory she'd spend with Giyuu or maybe they could meet up during the holiday seasons and have remakes of adventurous nights like these.

"Tomioka-san, did you get your acceptance letter?"

"Yeah I did."

"Where are you going?" she wasn't facing him, she didn't want him to see her sad expression.

"Same place you are." Giyuu tried his best not to smile while he said that.

Shinobu quickly turned to him in surprise, "That's a horrible joke, Tomioka-san."

"I'm not." he said, pulling out his phone from his pocket and scrolling through his email to show her his proof. And to Shinobu's surprise there it was, and it was legit. Shinobu was quiet, this was what she wanted but in was a bit too much for her to take in all at once.

"Thank God, now I don't have to worry about you not having friends and getting left alone." she snapped back almost too quickly,

"Shut up."

The air was light and heavy at the same time, Shinobu was a bit too happy to be falling asleep but it didn't take her long to doze off in Giyuu's arms, or on Giyuu's arms. Ouch.

He mentally cursed himself for suddenly exhibiting simp behavior, but today was Shinobu's day and he just had to oblige even though he had to sacrifice his arm.

It didn't take long for Giyuu to doze off alongside Shinobu. Falling asleep under a star-filled sky did have a romantic touch to it.

Giyuu was the first to wake up as the sun slowly started to rise amongst the clouds, creating a magnificent hue of purple and orange. Thankfully Shinobu had shifted from laying on his arm to laying on his chest instead which was definitely more comfortable, but surely Shinobu wouldn't be able to sleep long against his chest with his heart pounding like that.

Giyuu took a moment to appreciate a sleepy Shinobu alongside the beautiful sunrise. Her sun-kissed face was just art in its own form. If Giyuu was anywhere as skilled as Sabito in art, he'd use this masterpiece lying beside him as a prompt and then that's when it hit him. Shinobu basked in the golden rays of sunlight, Shinobu was the golden sunrise in early mornings and if Giyuu were to describe her to someone he'd say something along the lines of; "Shinobu you're the morning sunrise. You're annoying but your presence brings warmth." he whispered softly patting her head. And as most cliché scenes this was no different, much to Giyuu's ill fate, Shinobu was seemingly awake the whole time, and she heard every bit of that.

"That's quite harsh Tomioka-san, but I'll take it." she replied causing a frantic Giyuu's heart rate to sky rocket.

With the sun out, Giyuu and Shinobu realised they better be getting home now since they both had guardians to explain their whereabouts to. It didn't take long for them to pack up and reach Shinobu's house. They shared a small hug on Shinobu's front porch along with Shinobu thanking him for giving her an unforgettable journey. This was a nice end to her highschool life. With a wide grin plastered over her face Shinobu walked into her house to 5 very amused and interested sisters.

[kuvvydraws]

I'm not sure if you've answered this question already, but I'm honestly very curious- why do you write fanfiction? I certainly enjoy it as much as you and have written a few things of my own, but I know it can be quite a personal topic for many writers. If it's too personal for you, don't feel any pressure to answer, but it's always interesting to see the writer's perspective outside of the story they've written :). I hope you understand what I'm trying to say-

Hey!

I actually enjoy the words and the rush your brain gets when they join without effort to create a reality.

Now, let me break that down XD

I've always had a book in my hands as far as my memory goes. My dad used to read to me when I was very little and from the second I could do it on my own, that was the best thing ever (yes, that means when I was punished for doing some shit, my books were taken away and I had to sneak them into my schoolbag and read in class like a heathen).

Not only I enjoyed books but I always found myself wanting to partake in the stories, and my brain was always running with the words and the scenes. (I discovered during my teenage years that brains have different ways to process thoughts and mine did it in words, so writing just sort of came naturally to me at that point in my life).

I discovered ffnet when I was 12, I think, but I had tried my hand at original works (that is, about five or six starts of different novels that never saw the light) and some "fanfiction" (about Nightmare Before Christmas because I had a big ass crush on Jack and I unassumingly created my first xReader ever) without knowing what the hell I was doing.

I just knew I wanted to write stuff and I did as much.

The thing is, I introduced one of my friends, who also loved to read and write, to ffnet, and we started writing together. The first thing we wrote was a Sesshomaru x OC fic, the second one was a Sasori x OC fic, and we dipped out toes into some Kuroshitsuji x OC...... all of them handwritten stories we promised we would type in a computer eventually (we didn't, they were horrible [I still have the notebooks we used for each of them and they are cringey as fuck]).

But we wrote for ourselves and we were happy like that.

So we were rampant and wild and having the best time. Back then I still wrote in Spanish (because I hardly knew any English and I didn't care for it), and I remember mixing Spain's Spanish with the ones from South America because obviously the percentage of writers in ffnet who used a different "dialect" Spanish was huge if you compare a single, tiny country with a whole continent.

At the same time I wrote with my friend, I wrote for myself. Naruto, Kuroshitsuji, Bleach, Hetalia.... And I met so many people, nice people, who loved my works (they were random fics, all of them x OC because I didn't know x Reader ones were a thing -they weren't at that time, and x Reader are harder to write in Spanish because all the words and pronouns are gendered one way or another-) and I got so much enjoyment from sharing them.

The thing about books I love the most is the fact that you can convey so many emotions with a few symbols, and you can create worlds out of ink and you can change views and inspire others. So, if none of my dumbass teenage novels were to roam the word, I still could share, in a free, open and fast way, my words with others.

Again, I was going to write them with or without posting them because I found -and still find- great pleasure when a scene creates itself in your brain and all you have to do to make it real is to write it down. (Sometimes my brain still does this and even when I'm daydreaming, my imagination is "written, described and dialogued" as if someone was reading a novel out loud. It makes writing so much easier).

And then I got hate.

I somehow had managed to miss all of the fandom drama that's so toxic in the internet because I didn't bother to interact with anyone in the fandoms beyond the reviews they left in my fics, and ffnet has a -sort of- specific search engine to help you find whatever you want, so I could never willingly find the "problematic stuff" because I was literally not trying to find it.

The hate comment I got was anonymous and very specific about everything that was wrong in a particular fic I had just updated -from plot and characterization to grammar and continuity-, and later on I discovered it came from a couple of authors who shared an account and who I admired greatly for their works. Turns out they were out for blood and hating on every fic that had updated that week and that had any members of their OTP shipped with some other character. (It was a Hetalia fanfic, I was writing SpUK and they were pro FrUk, if anyone is interested).

I was contacted by some other authors asking about this because they had gone through the very same thing -same specific hate, same hate comment- and I remember not giving a fuck.

I was 16 when I got the hate, writing for fun and trying to find a way to go through my shitty highschool days without falling into the black out of depression that haunted me. I remember not wanting to write anything anymore, leaving a fic I was very invested in writing to gather dust and rot in the forgotten folders of my computer because every time I tried to get on with it and progress, it felt wrong.

That thing I said about words just happening? It stopped. My brain was silent as a grave and trying to get my words out became painful. I remember struggling to even write regular project for my school.

I kept reading, of course -it was my only comfort and I really, really didn't want to give up on it-, but I abandoned the fandoms I enjoyed so much before. My new focus became the sci-fi, and I remember being hooked on Predator. Imagine my joy when I discovered there were thousands of works from that fandom! I was extasic.

Problem? They were written in English.

I didn't know shit about English besides being a language I was supposed to handle in school, memorize the unreasonably spelt words that were pronounced illogically regarding the fucking spelling and the stupid ass irregular verbs.

But I learnt English because I wanted a hot piece of alien ass XD

Back to the topic of fanfics, I still roamed ffnet, keeping 15 tabs open and reading until 5 am... But now there was a world of possiblities in front of me because of course everyone on this goddamn Earth writes in English.

So, for the next years I did that, and my words didn't come. It was fine, tho, because I had so many new things to read.

It wasn't until fall of 2018 that I dabbed into the idea of maybe considering to perhaps give writing a try again????? I was neck deep into Undertale -still am, I'm a shameless skeleton fucker and there's no cure for that shit- and its many AU's and somehow I had managed to avoid fandom wars again, so my brain started toying with words... The same way it worked with novels: I got myself into the fics other people wrote (this is so much easier to do with x Reader fics, and I'm so happy about that and the massive boom they had just when Undertale came out, you can't even understand it).

So I kept doing my shit and daydreaming about skeletons and ribs and ecto-stuff for a very long time. It was kinda reassuring and nice to see other writers projecting on their x Readers so much because that's what I had done before.

And then Good Omens happened.

As I've said before, I actually discovered Gomens back in 2012 and it is, to the date, the worst translation to Spanish I've seen in my entire life to this date. And, despite it, I fell in love with it.

Now, barely in 2019, my dad gets Amazon Prime and the first thing he fucking sees is the font of Gomens on the screen. I had fangirled hard about Gomens in book version, so much and so annoyingly that I wouldn't leave my dad alone until he gave it a chance. It's the only book my father hasn't finished because the translation is that bad. He hates it.

Yet.

The particular font they use for the show is the same from the book's title. My dad of course recognized it immediately and knew I would want in on the news.

I confess I watched Gomens the show at least seven times before giving it a break because I liked it so much and the novel was so fucking good and it's honest to God the best adaptation I've ever seen to the screen. It's so good I'm fucking sure I was crying actual tears after watching it for the first time because my dreams and all the feelings that book had given me over the years and the many re-reads were "true" and so well done and it reached deep into my heart.

And then, for the first time in six years, my words came back.

Another thing Good Omens has given me, I have to say.

I don't know if I can stress this enough, but just imagine spending six years of radio silence, sending longing stares to the void and hoping to see something yours returning back, something you've lost and you're not sure you're getting back, something you think you don't need or want but that would be nice to have again. If only. You can live without that something, and no one but you cares about it, and it's not that big of a deal and-

Then you see a spark in the dark.

My words came back.

They weren't in Spanish, and it was hard to manage them at first, only being able to listen to them in short bursts over long periods of time.

But they were my words and they were back.

Writing is still hard, and I have a lot of work to do to improve my skills, to get them not only back but to refine them because I'm not writing in my native language and all I know is what I've learnt from other authors and their knowledge. I project a lot on my projects -I don't intend to stop because it's such a relief, the biggest scape from reality I get by doing so; it helps me deal with my problems, it gives me a break and a way to take a breath when I can't keep going...

Fanfics are where I can say what I want to say to the world in the most honest way, and that allows me to be me, and to express myself and indulge in the fantasies I dream about without having to force myself to think of them over and over and over. I can just sit back and enjoy content I know I like without being judged for it.

I can fucking make that content, too.

Writing feels like home, even if sometimes I still struggle, if I can't find my words or the expression is not quite like that in English, or if I can't find the words or if I'm suffering a block... because there's nothing scarier and more free than a blank page ready to be written.

[funtimebunnyblog]

Diamante d’Italia: Chapter 1

After his Father "generously gave" the teenager a whopping amount of money Josuke finds himself vacationing in beautiful southern Italy.

However, being the trouble magnet he is, he ends up getting caught in Famiglia affairs.

Being so far from his home and his friends, Josuke needs to make some powerful allies to help him out of this mess...

(Chapter 1: Culture shock)

"--and remember to-"

"Yes Mom. I know." Josuke sighed into the phone, rolling his eyes. "I've got everything on me. You know I can protect myself."

They'd had this exact same phone conversation at every other airport he had called from so far. By now the teenager had memorized it all and knew exactly what his Mother was going to say.

Standing in the airport of Naples Italy wouldn't make a difference.

"Ok. But just be careful Josuke. Italy is so far from here." She said over the background clatter. "And you don't even know any Italian."

There was a crackle over the phone as she sighed, he could hear the sounds of dishes clinking in the background followed by running water.

He almost had to plug his other ear to drown out the loud voice on the intercom so he could hear her talking.

"...I know Tonio."

"That joke was horrible, Josuke."

If there wasn't the sound of dishes still being done, he would've been sure his Mother had hung up on him.

There were no words exchanged for at least a full 10 seconds and with each passing second the teenager tried harder and harder to contain every giggle that tried to escape his lips, waiting with baited breath on her reaction.

The teenager couldn't hold in his laughter anymore, wheezing a little as he leaned on the glass wall of the phonebooth.

"I know." He cackled. "But it's kinda true. Tonio told me so much about Italy! It can't be that bad here..."

A change of scenery would do him good. Especially after all he had been through in the past little while with all that serial killer mess.

He had been daydreaming about this trip, this place, but most importantly; the cuisine, for almost a month now.

After his Father so generously "gave" him his wallet upon departure of Morioh, Josuke Higashikata decided it was time for him to see some of the world.

It was definitely time for a vacation and what better place to visit than the country with food that made Okuyasu and him squabble over every single morsel cooked and served to them by Tonio.

He earned a punch to the shoulder however from Okuyasu after telling him the news. His friend wasn't spiteful however and laughed, telling him that he could finally have Tonio and his fine chef skills all to himself while he was away.

Neither of them had really looked at "normal" food that same way after tasting fine Italian food so he couldn't think of a better place to go for some rest and relaxation.

He had also heard that Italy held some beautiful sights.

Josuke promised to bring him home a shitload of souvenirs anyways. He was also considering getting something for Koichi and his Mom back home.

There was another crackle over the phone along with the running water in the background suddenly being turned off, making it a little easier to hear the woman as she spoke.

"If you say so..."

It also made it easier to hear the undeniable concern lacing her tone however.

"Say, what time is it over there anyways Mom?" He questioned, mostly out of curiosity, but also for the sake of taking his Mothers mind off of any worries she held for him.

"Just after 5." She answered with a hum, the sound of a plug being pulled and a draining sink accompanying it.

"Oh wow!" He blinked, peering out off the glass booth to squint at the overly large clock of the airport terminal. "It's only 10AM over here."

"If you're going to call home, please do it around this time Josuke." She told him, a laugh lacing her voice as she spoke. "I wouldn't appreciate being woken up by the phone at 3AM."

The Highschooler laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his head. He should probably write that down just in case he forgot, the last thing he wanted was to be screamed at by his Mother over the phone for waking her up in the middle of the night.

"Right..." he murmured. "Anyways. I should probably go now Mom. I'll call you from a Hotel or something tomorrow."

"Ok Josuke."

He could hear her hesitation to let him go in her voice alone.

"I'll be fine. I love you Mom. Talk soon!"

"I love you too."

He hung up the phone at last, a small smile gracing his lips.

Gripping the handle of his luggage tightly, he stepped out of the booth with his head held high.

He was worried about his Mother too of course. She was going through a lot too, especially when she was still grieving for his Grandfather.

However, once he was in possession of his newly aquired money (not stolen! Where would you get that idea?) He had given her a good portion of it and told her to spend the time he was away getting her nails done or treating herself in anyway she saw fit. She needed this little break as much as he did.

"Time to find a cab."

☆☆☆

Easier said than done.

Here he was on a sidewalk, finally into the City after nearly 2 hours of waiting for an open taxi to take him from the airport to the city, his pompador all in a stressful ruffle over the whole ordeal.

His eyes darted back and forth between the outstretched hand of the driver and the meter on the dashboard.

"120 000 Lira?!" He squawked at the cab driver, his aquamarine eyes going wide in their sockets as the man held out his hand before him.

Josuke wasn't exactly a mathematician, but he knew enough to know that amount was absurd! "Th-there's gotta be some mistake, sir! You only drove me to the edge of the city."

This was highway robbery (no pun intended), there was no way it could've been that much!

The taxi driver had rolled his eyes at him and told him otherwise, demanding he pay up or he'd drag him straight to the Police Officers who were standing idle near the Cab on the streetcorner.

Josuke peered into his wallet with a sigh from where he sat on the curb. Damnit. He'd have to think twice about taking another cab. He only had so much money to blow, necessary expenses like food and hotelrooms were his main priority, and he still needed a ticket home to Japan when all of this was over.

He'd just have to settle for walking the entire time he was here.

He tucked his wallet away safely, flicking out a comb and began to straighten out the poof of hair he so adored. He'd have to put some more hairspray in it later if things kept going like this, good thing he packed 8 whole cans.

His Lunchhour.

He stood up, grabbing his suitcase once more and keeping it close to his side.

"Well... I guess it's time to find a hotel." He mused. His thoughts were interrupted however by a punctuating growl of his stomach. He hadn't eaten much on the plane at all and from the position of the overhead sun, he could tell it was noontime.

"Ooh." He breathed, a hand moving to his stomach in surprise. "I'm running on empty..."

However, maybe it was better to ask for directions.

He supposed a Hotel would have to wait. What he really needed right now was a restaurant.

From all the stories Tonio told him about Italian cuisine and the entire culture behind it, he was sure it wouldn't be too hard to find one of those around here.

"Um- excuse me--" he tried to grab the attention of a passing man. The guy kept on walking without even giving him a side glance.

Another man approached him from behind and Josuke turned, stepping in front of him somewhat to gain his attention.

"Er... oh! Sir! A moment please, I'm--"

There went another one, very much like the first.

"Excuse me sir, could you tell me--" he started again. The man stopped in his tracks, nearly bumping right into Josuke.

"Ey! What gives?!"

"Outta my way, bastardo!"

The Highschool student barely had a chance to blink before the guy was right in his face, a fierce scowl pulling on his face.

If looks could kill, Josuke would be getting murdered in that moment.

The man grunted and shoved him further out of his way, balling his fists and grumbling to himself, too low for Josuke to hear, but the teen knew it was all in fluent Italian.

He held up his free hand in surrender, backing up and out of the way of the angry stranger.

"S-Sorry sir!" He practically squeaked. "I... I didn't mean to bother you!"

He rubbed his arm, a frown found its way to his face as he watched the furious mans back.

Sheesh. And here he thought he had been in a rough town back in Japan.

Maybe he should just start walking...

☆☆☆

He was starting to wish he took some language courses with Koichi in this years last term.

Or maybe he could've learned some basic words and stuff from Tonio, the man always seemed eager to share in the wonders of his culture after all.

Or maybe he could've not been an absolute dumbass and bought an Italian to English dictionary to use.

Or worse.

Josuke had been walking up and down the streets for nearly an hour, passing by buildings and signs galore, none of which he could read.

He was tempted to stop another stranger to ask what any of them meant, or even just plain ask where the nearest restaurant was, but he didn't want to get screamed at again.

Staring at the signs like a toddler who didn't know how to read but was trying made it all the worse.

"This is hopeless..." he grumbled, kicking at the sidewalk, sending a small stone bouncing down the white concrete.

He was actually contemplating calling his Mother again to ask her what he should do.

Maybe he could even call Tonio. Or Koichi. Or Okuyasu. Or his Nephew. Or fuck, ANYONE at this point.

Maybe he shouldn't have traveled alone and brought one of them along...

He had a feeling this was going to be a long day and he dug in his coat, whipping out his comb again. His pompadour was getting all ruffled again.

"Ei, tu."

He paused. Did someone... speak to him?

"Um... Hello?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "Did you say something?"

Frowning, he turned to locate the voice, finding himself facing an alleyway that lead off the street.

A figure stood there, leaned against the brick wall of a building, their eyes gleaming at him. There were others too, just two others, all of them looking at him.

The one closest to the alley entrance, a tall thinner male, looked him up and down, "Sei il ragazzo?" A question of some sort.

The one who spoke sported disheveled brown hair and clothes that were even more so, with strange sunken in eyes that seemed to hold a never ending stare. His two friends were not much different, they all had that same stare and it was locked firmly onto him.

Josuke frowned a little deeper, he didn't really understand what the man wad saying. Did he want something? Or maybe... was he trying to help him?

The Highschool student looked around before stepping into the alley, closing the distance between him and the group.

"Um... I'm sorry I don't understand." He flashed an awkward smile, looking between the three men hoping that someone could understand him or at least translate. "Can any of you help...?"

It sort of reminded Josuke of when he ate his Lunch at the neighborhood park back in Morioh.

The dogs that hung out around there would all approach him, then sit and watch, with their ears up and their backs straight, unblinking and expecting him to give them a piece of his sandwich.

He always thought it was a little creepy, but it was even creepier somehow to see it in a person.

The brown haired one pointed to the suitcase he held, "É questo?" That sounded like another question to him.

This was getting nowhere. He heaved out a sigh, throwing his hands up as he began to back away. "Sorry. I have no idea what you're saying... I-I really got to go."

The more he backed up, the more the blankness of stares seemed to disolve into... anger?

Yeah, suddenly these guys were looking pissed. All three of them were staring even more intensely into him, most especially the brown haired one.

"Prendetelo!" One of the others barked.

"Dacci le maledette droghe, cazzone!" The brunet man screeched and Josuke realized there was a fist coming for him. He stepped back quickly, the closed hand swooping loudly through the air, barely gracing his chest.

What was happening? Why were these men suddenly after him? Josuke barely had the time to consider the options of running away or trying to talk his way out of all of this mess before he was suddenly on the ground.

"Darlo a noi!"

They tried to pull the leather bag from his grasp and he pulled back harder, now full on clutching it to his chest as the fists now rained down on him.

Josuke couldn't even cry out. Everything was happening all at once. His thoughts were loud and his heartbeat was louder. The noise around him had gone to nothing but whitenoise. His only thought was to not let them take his suitcase.

And then... it all stopped. Just as quickly as it happened.

The teenager opened his eyes to find that all the kicking and punching had ceased on him. One of the men was on the ground and there was another person standing over them, yelling into his face.

But here he was. Defending a fucking stranger from a group of junkies.

Leone Abbacchio hated getting involved with common street fights. He hated it especially more when he was supposed to NOT be fighting someone today.

It was his day off after all. Bucciarati told him he could spend his time how he wanted it and he wanted some alone time.

All the Mafioso wanted to do was listen to his damn music and get some lunch when he noticed this damn idiot (obviously a tourist) trying to converse with the men.

'Just keep walking.' He tried to tell himself over and over, trying to pacify the unease building in him.

It wasn't his affair.

This was their problem.

He was a bystander.

He wasn't even in the alley.

He was on his way somewhere.

He shouldn't even give it a passing glance....

And then he watched the punk get knocked to the ground.

Now here he was, kicking the shit out of a damn dirty junkie.

Josuke winced at he the sound of a fist hitting hard against a nose, the crackle of bone filling his ears.

"FUCK OFF!"

One of the men who had been attacking him came up behind the silver haired figure and threw his arms around him in an attempt to pull him down.

Abbacchio didn't even flinch and hauled the man forward, bending so he came right over his head and smacked into the brunet who was holding the nose that was gushing with red blood.

He definitely owned up to his name then and there because to Josuke his gruff and booming voice was like the roar of a powerful Lion.

That was all it took. All three of them were clamoring to their feet and booking it down towards the other end of the alley.

It sort of reminded Josuke of that time he broke that seniors nose.

Thank God his hair was still ok though, after checking quickly he sighed in pure relief. That was truly what mattered to him, along with his luggage.

His eyes turned to his savior and he slowly got up from the hard ground, wincing as he did.

He was definitely going to hurt in the morning. He could already feel a bruise spotting on the center of his back.

"Th... Thank you." He spoke at last watching as the new stranger turned to face him at last. "I just wanted to ask for directions but I didn't know what they wanted..."

The duel coloured eyes of the man burned into him as he looked over him, making the high schooler start to sweat under the penetrating gaze.

"You... seem familiar." Abbacchio said at length. He had seen someone before with the same kinda face, he was sure of it. He squinted at the Highschool student as he wracked his brain for answers.

The teenager was sure of that. He was sure he would've remembered this man purely by the way he looked, let alone the strong and intimidating presence that radiated off him, if he had even glanced in his direction before.

Josuke blinked, his expression not unlike a deer staring into the headlights of an oncoming car.

"Um... we've never met before."

Abbacchio rolled his eyes. "Tch. No shit." He spat. "I've never seen you before either stronzo. You just seem kinda familiar."

Josuke winced slightly, averting his eyes to the ground lamely.

"Sorry."

He really hoped this guy could take a joke. He just got off the ground and didn't want to be thrown back down onto it.

He really was. For what exactly, he wasn't sure, but apologies always spilled from your lips in these kind of situations, regardless of whether you did something or not.

He broke off into an awkward laugh, shrugging as he struggled to meet the mans gaze. "I'm the only one I know who has such stylish hair like this so I don't know what would seem familiar to you."

"Whatever." The Goth finally said, shaking his head. "Judging by what just happened I can tell you're not from around here. You a tourist or something kid?"

Abbacchio folded his arms, looking him up and down again, making him painfully aware of more sweat beading on his neck.

This man was so hard to read to Josuke, kind of like his nephew in that way, he had no idea what the hell he was thinking.

"Oh sure am!" Josuke smiled brightly, a little more at ease. This guy was making some small talk with him, which was usually a step in a good direction.

A direction where he hoped he wouldn't get beat up and almost mugged again...

"I'm kinda on a vacation. I got some money and decided I wanted to see the world..." He rocked on his heels a little, studying the man before him just as much as he was him. "You live around here?"

"You could say that..." Abbacchio hummed, glancing back towards the street. "I don't exactly have a home but I live here."

"Oh!" Josuke had to refrain himself from covering his mouth after letting out that noise in surprise. He averted his gaze, absentmindedly scratching the back of his neck.

"Oh." He said, much softer this time, feeling very awkward. If only he had the ability to make the ground swallow him up. "I'm sorry...."

Leone offered no response.

"Do you like... have a place to sleep at least? Like at nights?"

"Yeah. I tend to move around a lot though." He answered vaguely. Best to keep all that extra information to himself. This brat didn't need to know the ins and outs of his life.

He nodded this time, because he did. He mostly slept at Bucciarati's house, whether upstairs in one of the guestrooms or on the mans couch downstairs.

Sometimes when out on missions, whether alone or with the others, he checked into a hotel (sometimes a Motel) and stayed there.

Other times he slept in the back of a van while on the road to or from said missions.

At least he wasn't drinking himself to death somewhere in the gutter anymore...

He turned his gaze back to Josuke who seemed a little more at ease hearing his words. He narrowed his eyes, "You're not.... in the Famiglia? Are you?"

Josuke blinked a few times. The.... what?

"Fam-eel-e-ah?"

That alone answered his question.

Who the hell other than a Mafioso sported a fucking pompadour?!

Raising one pointed eyebrow, he looked the kid over again. He never would've guessed he wasn't associated because he certainly dressed like a Mafioso.

What with that black coat adorned with those shiny golden hearts, not to mention the peace sign and the anchor as well, and that hair...

This twerp apparently...

Abbacchio huffed, waving a hand dismissively. "Nevermind. Just... watch yourself Kid. More importantly, watch your wallet."

Oh Christ! His wallet! He might've dropped it in that scuffle! Those bastards might've took it!

Josuke panicked, hands instinctively slapping his pockets in a frantic search. Ah! It was there! As soon as his hand found the bulge in his pocket, he let out a breath as relief washed over him like a warm tidalwave on the beach.

"Oh- yeah, yeah... of course." He breathed. "Th-Thanks for reminding me-" here he paused, his pale blue eyes blinking. "I never... got your name."

To his own surprise, Abbacchio complied.

"Abbacchio." He said. "Leone Abbacchio."

"Abbacchio..." Josuke tested the name out, bobbing his head as he idly scratched his chin. "Ha! Cool name. I'm Josuke Higashikata, I actually come from Japan."

The dawny eyed mans frown deepened as he contemplated telling him that his last name literally just meant "lambchop", a far cry from "cool" if you asked him, but he thought better of it.

Yeah. There was no way in Hell Abbacchio was going to try and take a crack at repeating that last name. He'd be there all day.

Just "Josuke" would have to do.

"Japan, huh?" He said aloud, more to himself than Josuke, stroking his chin in thought. "I hear the streets are much nicer there..."

The events of the past couple of months suddenly came flooding back all at once to Josuke. How he and his friends had been attacked left and right, going against all odds, all on a search to hunt down their towns serial killer.

The blaring siren of that Ambulance still haunted him in his sleep and he woke up in a cold sweat each time there came the sound of a head being popped each time it replayed in his head.

He laughed a little, forcing a smile on his face as a hand swept through his hair. "Yeah... you could say that."

Now desperate to change the subject, he decided to steer the conversation to something much lighter. Something that didn't make him remember a massacre.

Or a hand-fetishing serial killer getting his head squashed like a grape.

"You've... got quite the fashion sense." He commented, pointing to the mans open coat lined with laces and purple lipstick maybe a little rudely. "I like your eyeliner."

Leone hardly batted an eye (a well lined eye at that) at his words. If anything, he was surprised the kid didn't outright say anything like "ARE YOU A GOTH?!"

He was quite used to that one, even if the answer was yes it was still irritating.

Besides... that one little girl on the bus that time told him he looked pretty. And that was enough for him.

Or there was always the "Why are you wearing makeup? You're a MAN!"

Now that one always made him fucking furious. Just because he was "a man" didn't make any damn difference. Makeup was to make you look good so it was for everyone.

"Thanks." He huffed. Though his voice hadn't lost any of that gruffness, he truly was thankful for a genuine compliment. "I like your coat."

He wasn't quite like Koichi however. The silver haired teenager thst only came up to his hip wore his heart on his sleeve everywhere he went.

Josuke, very unlike Abbacchio who seemed indifferent to it all, blushed at the praise. His friends always told him he was very expressive and that was true.

When he was happy he walked with bounce in his step, when he was sad it all came out in tears and when he was angry... oh... he was told the sight wasn't very pretty.

"Ah, thanks. It's my school uniform, I really like it."

Here Abbacchios eyebrows shot right up, a frown twinging at the corners of his mouth. A school uniform? This kid must have been living some kind of high life, or maybe at least went to a pretty decent school, if this was just a plain old uniform.

He pursed his lips, the punk kind of reminded him of a stand-user. He had a hunch.

"I see..." he hummed, folding his arms across his chest. "You really are still just a kid then."

Bucciarati often said that stand-users (natural or otherwise) tended to gravitate towards one another. Like "strings of fate" or some cliché sounding shit.

But maybe it was possible. This kid wasn't a Mafioso... but he could very well have powers.

Like lightning striking, Josukes expression changed again. His eyebrows went together and his lips into a sort of a pout.

"I'm 16." He told the man, trying to sound as rough and tough at least as half as this stranger was (Abbacchio quirked an eyebrow, looking completely unfazed at his attempt however, probably because he just watched him get beat up). "Besides. I think I'm pretty mature..."

"I won't call you a kid if you don't call me an old man. Deal?"

This kid was starting to kinda sound like Mista. However if the punk started spewing shit about how the number 4 was unlucky, he would get as far away as possible.

He half chuckled (it was more of an exhale), coloured lips quirking somewhat into a smirk.

Josuke shrugged, uncrossing his arms as his lips pulled into a smirk of their own, cocking an eyebrow at the other.

"Hmm, depends. How old are you?" He questioned, almost playfully. The man must have been at least approaching his 30's but he wasn't sure.

"Well into my 20's." Abbacchio grunted, keeping his exact age number vague to the young teen. "But I've seen more shit than other people do in a lifetime."

For all he know he really could be an old man. He had white hair after all and certainly had the gruffness of an older man.

Maybe he was hiding some wrinkles under that makeup or something?

Only in his 20's? Jeeze... he believed that last part. Most especially when the dawny eyes suddenly locked onto his, staring at him with all seriousness.

"Listen to me, I don't really care what the Hell you do, but when you get out of school... stay away from the bad stuff. You hear me?"

Josuke swallowed, his mouth now felt way too dry, and he nodded to the man almost knowingly. He had been through some bads too... however, he couldn't help but wonder how much similarities there were between him and Abbacchio.

Leone huffed quietly, giving the kid one more solemn nod, before turning on his heel and quietly going on his way down the alley, out towards the street.

The teenager watched him go, feeling painfully out of place all of a sudden, like a puzzle piece that had been jammed into the wrong spot.

"Uh- hey!"

He didn't even realize that he had called out until Abbacchio halted in his tracks, turning to look at him with a deep frown.

Josuke fidgeted on the spot, stuffing his hands in his pockets to avoid fumbling with them out in the open and look somewhat composed under the older mans stare.

Once again, Leone Abbacchio found himself feeling surprised.

"Uhh..." he cleared his throat, trying to focus his thoughts clear enough to speak without stuttering.

"This might sound kinda weird but -uh... you wanna... like grab a coffee or something?" He smiled sheepishly at the man whose expression didn't change. "I mean, you just kinda saved my skin back there and you seem pretty cool. I don't have anybody traveling with me and... we could like... talk more? Ah- only if you don't mind!"

Ah, fuck it. He had already gone out of his way.

Normally when he was out and about and people were forced to interact with him in any way, shape or form, they tended to want to get as far away as possible, as quickly as possible.

Hell, he had people practically jump out of his way sometimes when he was just walking down the street.

Plus, he was getting hungry.

He nodded to Josuke.

Josuke was now jogging up to him, the man swore he saw stars in the teens eyes to match his bright smile.

Tonio definitely didn't tell him that part about Italy...

He wasn't even sure if he had even been that long here in Italy.

Josuke did his best to keep up, Abbacchios steps were long and deliberate making him quite fast for a man who was just taking a stroll, keeping just a little behind him to avoid bumping shoulders with the people on the streets.

Abbacchio started down the alley again, waving him to follow.

"Comrades, huh?" He laughed a little. "What? You in a gang or something?"

It was meant to be a joke. Something to get his newest companion to roll his eyes and give a half-hearted chuckle. Josuke felt his stomach become as heavy as a brick when Abbacchio swiveled his head to look at him, his white hair flinging slightly over his shoulder as he stared him in the face.

The teen wondered briefly if his new ally would suddenly beat him up like those dealers tried to do and he gulped, preparing to turn tail and run as fast as he could down the street.

The former policeman frowned deeply. Did this stronzo know nothing about the mean Italian streets? The Mafia? Of fucking course he was in a Gang, did he think he was just a streetwalking freak that kicked the shit out of druggies and junkies alike for fun?

Abbacchio leaned closer, his expression radiating all seriousness.

"S-Sorry..." he muttered somewhat lamely, his voice so quiet Abbacchio probably wouldn't have heard him if he weren't so close.

Any idiot would know the true meaning to that answer and Josuke didn't consider himself an idiot.

The man grunted in response and simply kept walking, no more was said as Josuke continued to followed him down the street to this supposed spot.

On the bright side of things... he now reminded him even more of his nephew Jotaro.

Even if it wasn't in a good way...

More importantly, he was finally going to get something to eat.

[archmage--khadgar]

(To explain some things! I’ve gotten a few messages of love in response to the most recent shenanigans. And also, of course, past messages of you guys throwing kindness at me and I internally 404 like woah. I rarely say nice things about myself. Partially because even though I’m heckin’ chatty once I get going. I feel really guilty and vain or like I’m oversharing or something, I dunno.  The reasons why have kind of been danced around and ffwwuhhhh I might delete this post later or something who knows. A lot of this is stuff I haven’t shared at all or with most people. But I also don’t really like repeating myself too much with certain things so I’m just. Gonna do this. It’s 2:30 in the morning and I just woke up and can’t get back to sleep SO. Yeah. More under the cut.  About why the “I love yous” and other nice things pretty much send me running. And make me really uncomfortable.)

I’m not looking for a pity party, just augh. I feel like it isn’t fair to keep hiding under blankets while calling myself trash and stuff without y’all knowing WHY. A lot of things are still going to be left out, either cause they’re hella buried or I still can’t talk about them yet. But uh. YEAH. Where to begin? The easiest thing to explain, I suppose, is to touch upon how I grew up in a single-parent household. Mom never said “I love you”, but she did yell, screech, and throw things at me and didn’t hold back on telling me how much I pissed her off, whenever she was home. I remember being locked and left alone in a hot car during the middle of summer when I was about 5, thankfully someone saw me crying and TO THIS DAY she’s still angry that I had cried. I’m 31. If I bring it up she immediately gets angry as if it had just happened and starts yelling how terrible I was for crying. As for my Dad, my earliest memory of him is of him telling me goodbye before walking out the door. He eventually came back Uhhhh...Sometime around 2nd grade. Did he and my mom get along at all? Nope! There’s a lot to unpack with that stuff that I won’t touch here. But I will say that it was the first case of me learning that people will say “I love you!” in hopes of swaying you to their side.  My Grandparents loved me! And they showed it - shame my mom moved me away from them and OOPH I’m not going to get into that cause I’ll just start crying. :x Trying to talk while fighting off PTSD is a CHALLENGE but I am HERE FOR IT. Anywhoot. That ties heavily into the basis of why hearing someone say “I love you!” Sends me running. It sets off every red flag.  “What do they want? Why are they saying that? They’re trying to get something from me. What are they trying to get from me?” I can think of how despite all the BS, I still tried to be nice even though I was really fucking weird and the poor kid at school in a time where living with a single parent meant something was wrong with you and all that shit. (Fuuuuuck the 90′s!) GOSH there really is a lot, it’s hard to pick and choose the right things to say. (For amusement: as a kid, I had a teacher who said that I was “cool as cucumber” and if that isn’t some fucking foreshadowing I don’t know what is.  I also liked to collect rocks. And I read The Raven when I was like. 6 or 7 and memorized the fucking thing.  Coincidence? I think NOT- yeah prolly just a coincidence.) It’s really hard to describe the bullying because it wasn’t all pulled hair and getting gum in it and I never got shoved into a locker.  Others would lie, however, in order to get me in trouble.  My clothes also would get pulled off.  Belongings got stolen.  Mom tried to spread a rumor that I fooling around with a new guy every week. Her excuse was.....”Well, you never tell me who you have a crush on or if you’re dating anyone at school, so what else am I supposed to think?”   You know that scene in middle school/high school shows where the main kid gets tricked into thinking their crush was interested in them, and the crush was in on the joke? Yeah. Yeah. That fucking happened.  I guess one of the best examples of “shit that happened that really fucked me up for life” Is.... Had a couple of, what I thought, were really good friends. Despite everything else that was bad I at least had them. We were a trio. It was amazing.  I.... Was wrong. I got a message, on AIM one day from one of them. She said that the other one, my best friend, had committed suicide. And that her family didn’t want to talk to me. Don’t call them, never speak to them again, don’t go to the funeral..... I was crying. And called another friend of mine because I 100% didn’t know what to do. Was it real? Was it a joke that I somehow was misinterpreting?  She told me to keep her updated; and that if I wanted to join her and her family at the mall I was more than welcome to. Mom comes home, sees that I’m crying. I tell her very quickly to keep her from getting angry. She thought I was lying at first for attention or some stupid shit until I showed her the chat log. She calls up the mom of my best friend and not only was it not true..... They were hanging out with each other at the other girl’s house. To this day, I have NO fucking clue if my best friend (at the time) was in on it or if it was done without her knowing. Either way, ANGRY MOM’S ALL AROUND, and my mom still questioned why I thought it was real cause hurr hurr I’m supposed to be smart. But also, I had already attempted suicide twice so OF. FUCKING. COURSE. I didn’t question the possibility.  Anyways. I learned a big lesson about my worth that day, from people whom I was closest with. The people who would shout “WE LOVE YOU~!” From the bus window. They remained friends with each other. But not with me. The girl never spoke to me again and my BF quickly made it apparent that I was, and always had been an annoyance in her life. I was weird, stupid, whiney, 14-year-old acting like a 10-year-old, the list goes on.  Could I have been a better friend? In some ways, yeah, maybe? Who knows. I don’t know.  And then Highschool massively tanked after that.  I failed assignments more than I passed them if it wasn’t for the creative projects and extra credit I would have completely flunked out.  POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING for the next few lines paragraphs, I’m not going into too much detail but I just want to give a fair warning. Three male friends: Two online and one I knew in person cause he was a friend of a friend.  All three of them were older, I was a minor and theeey...were not. One had just turned 18, one was 20, and I honestly don’t know how old the other guy was. O_o which is weird because I ended up being friends with him for years and I uh. Somehow never got his age. PROBABLY FOR THE BEST. :T The two online guys roped me into erp, knowing my age. Their reasoning? One of them told me I needed to learn to grow up, and how to be an adult. And that, also, as an artist, I needed to start drawing porn because otherwise, I’d never be good. He’d frequently send me NSFW art and shit and try to get me to find out what I liked, and yeah we all know what else he was doing. The other one? I don’t remember much but what I can remember strikes me as more subtle grooming than just rolling in with “WELL YER IN HIGH SCHOOL TIME TO GROW UP EVERYONE’S DOING THIS.” I HAD to deliver otherwise I was a shitty person, a disappointment.  And then the guy I knew in person would frequently make sexual comments about me, either to my face or to our mutual friend (Which pissed her off cause she had a crush on him, she was only a year older than me). All of this was done under the guise of... We’re friends! We love and care about you! We’re doing/saying this because we want you to be happy! You’re such a nice person! You’re so pretty when you smile! “I’m just trying to get you out of your shell.” “It’s better to find out what you like now with a friend who cares.” So on, and so forth.  Trigger warning over...ish?” There’s obviously a lot, and I mean a LOT of stuff I’m not saying. And before you yell THERAPY. Yeah, I’ve been. Yeeeeaaaah therapists never wanted to talk about any of this. I’d bring it up and they’d shut it down as “Unimportant” They’d open up trauma I’d forgotten about, realized they didn’t get paid enough to deal with my bullshit, and focus on other really random shit. BUT WHAT. I’m getting at is. Despite all this, I never got into drugs, or drinking, didn’t become a teenage parent, haven’t been arrested. It’s something I’m still processing and accepting. But like.  Looking back on everything as a whole, for the most part, I just. Everything that I went through SHOULD have turned me into an awful person, I mean. A lot of people would say that I am and I wouldn’t argue it BUT. Like. The damage is there, the damage is done. Some of this might never heal or might take several more years to heal I honestly don’t know.  I don’t understand how I am not. An awful person. Self-deprecating trash jokes aside.  I was only good when I kept quiet. I was only good when I followed their directions. I was only loved when they needed something.  I was only a good person with their approval, and I’d do anything to get it.  I’d sacrifice my belongings, my food, my time, my energy, I’d run to the defense of shitty friends and to the people who’d physically and emotionally hurt me. I feel guilty for outing them even though they’re not here, will never see this, and I didn’t even name names or give details that would give me away.  This stuff isn’t resigned to highschool, I’ve been through a LOT of shit since then but that’s a post for a different day.  There was a time where I had started to feel proud that despite everything I didn’t fall into a hole of drug and alcohol addiction and who knows what else. And I got shot down. I got shot down SO HARD.  I was a bully for being proud of that. I was a terrible person for recognizing my own strength. I was told I was actually weak, a coward, that I don’t know what true suffering is.  And I am still frequently told that I need to start doing MJ or other drugs to “Finally loosen up and be cool.” hnngph. THERE’S STILL A lot more to unpack but I don’t really feel like it right now. But I can’t process being a good person. I can’t hear “I love you!” and not get scared that everything is going to happen again and that I won’t be strong enough, that I’ll prove to all my classmates and family once and for all that I’m the horrible, shitty monster they’re all waiting and expecting me to be.   People say I’m a good person, and then I also frequently get lectured on how I need to toughen up and stop whining or get over myself or whatever.  So I’m not...good..I can’t be good? I’m too selfish, weak and vain to be a good person.  I should have known better, I should have been stronger, and I shouldn’t have given in to wanting to be validated, and loved.  AND SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE IT worse than me I have no business thinking I’m a good person or strong or whatever. Absolutely none. I feel so manipulative for even saying any of this. Hnnpgh.

[alegendary]

Jumpman v1.0

There's a lot to say here and none of it is important I'm pretty much writing this for myself to log somewhere so here we goooooo: I wrote (using that term very loosely) a story back in highschool about a superhero named Jumpman. He did exactly what you thought he could: He could jump very high. The story was Inspired mostly by Scott Pilgrim vs. the world and FLCL If I remember correctly. Also I managed to shove in a reference to every single song on metallicas first three albums because I thought thrash metal was the best and didn't know what subtlety was. There were also a few video game references too. "Jumpman" So the story was there's this town with super high walls for some reason and its main export was weapons manufacturing for some reason and one of the new projects of this weapons manufacturer is a superpowered parasite (probably something like venom?I didn't know hat at the time). Parasite gets loose, eats the main boy's heart, he can now jump really high. Bada Bing bada boom. The problem is that it's a parasite and it will eventually kill him. But until then, he can't really die. He regenerates. I liked to refer to it as semi-invincibility. Obviously the manufacturer would try to take it back so they'd try to fight him and there'd be a fight per episode and it's probably have some character growth along the way. I justified him learning how to fight really quickly by having really good reflexes from wasting his life playing video games. He's a teenager btw. Probably fifteen. I think I originally had it to be over the course of a year? An episode for spring, summer, fall, winter, and then spring again. So then we have issues. Too many to list here, but let's try anyway: Too many characters. I had his imaginary best friend (surprise twist) that he was searching for, the GIRL, his big brother who also ends up fighting him with new powers, his other friend who makes gadgets, the CEO villain of the weapon company, the comic book cowboy who secretly was also the villain but no one knew, all four horsemen of the apocalypse as a biker gang, a handful of different mini bosses and so many more it's stupid. None of them were developed either, just personalities enough to move the plot along. I tend to write for the story rather than the characters. Probably a flaw. Speaking of the story that was stupid too. I don't remember all of it, but there was always approaching doom and even though Jumpman could leave the city any time because he could jump high enough to get over the walls, he didn't. He stayed and helped. Things like the city flooding, a meteor, monsters, a missile crisis. All this over the top stuff. I don't know how any of it was going to be organized probably because it wasn't. It also had a few pretentious ideas like one-liners that make me cringe and his friend that's he was looking for the whole time not being real and he forgets his name because this superhero has become his identity and he grows wings at the end it was weird. Whatever. I wrote this all in highschool. I'm not sure which draft it was (there were only two versions) but one of them basically was supposed to be symbolic of cancer and the problems one faced when dealing with that. My best friend passed away sophomore year and this story has a lot to do with his struggle. Something to do with having a time limit on your life could maybe in a sick way allow you to do incredible things you never thought before. It wasn't that deep though and I don't really think it was the best way to look at it but it was a way of dealing with everything going on at the time. Didn't mean to make this post sad or anything. Sorry if all of this seemed harsh on this silly little highschool story. I actually really like Jumpman. His design was cool and his ability was fun to explore. Just because I didn't feel it was worth pursuing doesn't mean I didn't like bits and pieces. (I guess I'm talking to myself at this point) Ill probably actually incorporate some unused ideas into future endeavors. I don't think I'd ever forget about Jumpman. If you read this far thanksies you didn't have to.

[missmohnique]

If I had known then what I know now..

Have you ever wondered if you would know the person that was the one for you when you met them? I remember reading somewhere that you've probably already met the person you're going to end up with. I zero evidence to back any of this up except my experience. I guess it's true what they say...You always meet someone when you're not looking. Well his name is Shannon and visually he's my usual type tall and thick, outside of that he is like nothing I've ever experienced. He isn't small by any measure but he's not massive either. Shannon has deep mahogany skin, with almond shaped eyes that are a mesmerizing amber color like that of an expensive cognac, warm, comforting and intoxicating. He has beautiful white teeth that almost look like veneers, but are just imperfect enough to be natural. The combination of his white teeth and dark skin, coupled with the way his eyes light up and absurdly deep dimples makes watching him laugh a truly breathtaking experience. 

 The first time I actually met Shannon I was nineteen, he was sitting on my roommates' shoe chest at the foot of her bed. He had come with a homeboy of hers and by association mine "T". I had just walked in from work and class and my roommate called to me "Miller (for some reason she had taken to calling me by my last name) come here." "Do you have food?" I asked starving "No, but "T" is here" (she knows "T" is my one of my favorite people) I yell from my room "well if "T" is here why was I not greeted at the door?" I can hear them laughing from down the hall. I heard "You know I love you M&M (my initials: Mohnique Miller), please don't hurt me I'll do better" I stepped in the room and saw him. When he looked up I saw the spark of recognition in his eyes and I'm sure he saw the same in mine. "Oh Miller this is"... Shannon, I finished her statement. It clicked for him too. See Shannon didn't go to college straight out of highschool like I did, he worked for a year. He worked in a packaging warehouse loading boxes onto trucks to go out for delivery, my father was his boss. I remember my dad telling me one of his guys was leaving and coming to Southern for school. Looking back I think my dad was maybe nudging me in Shannon's direction. He made passing comments on how the women at the warehouse would react when he took his shirt off, apparently this was a common practice.

  Anyway, when he told my dad he was going to Southern, my dad must have told him that's the school his daughter attended because he sent me a friend request on Facebook. We didn't make any plans to link up or anything and honestly I had forgotten all about him until the day he was in my apartment. "Oh my god how are you, how do you like it so far"? "This is so crazy, I'm good. I can't believe I just randomly ran into you at your house no less." At this point both my roommate and "T" are looking at us like we're crazy so I explained "Shannon used to work for my dad". My roommate jumped up "Are you shittin me Miller, he worked for your dad and this is your first time meeting?" She knew my type and he was it "Did you know he went here"?  "Yea, I said, my dad told me over the summer and Shannon requested me on Facebook". We all sat and hung out for a couple of hours, then "T" and Shannon left. Shannon and I only met up one other time and that was it.  I left school the next year and didn't hear from him again. 

 Fast-forward more than ten years and a friend of mine decided to throw a little mid-summer kickback and invited a few people over some I knew, some I didn't. I had been there about an hour, just sitting down having regular conversation with my friend when he called this guy over and as if conjured from my fantasies this brown version of a Greek god stood directly in front of me. I was momentarily speechless, completely caught off guard. He extended his hand and without thinking I took it and stood. "Nice to see you again Mohnique, it's been a long time" he said, then turned to say something to my friend. I have no idea what he said because my complete focus was on my hand that was still engulfed in his and he was stroking the back of my hand with his thumb. My friend snapped me out of my revelry and asked how we knew each other, Shannon told him it was a long story that he would tell him someday and let go of my hand. Curious, I asked my friend the same question. "We were stationed on the same base in Afghanistan." I turned to Shannon "you were in the  Army?" "No ma'am, Marines RECON." My mind immediately produced images of him in and out of his dress blues that I promptly filed away in the back of my mind for later use. Shannon and I spent the rest of the party catching up. He had left school shortly after I did and enlisted in the Marines, he "retired" and has been a firefighter ever since and loved it. We exchanged numbers and called it a night. The next morning I woke up to a text from him "Good Morning, I wanted to hear your voice again but I figured I wouldnt get the favorable response I wanted at 4am lol. Have a great day. I cant wait to see you again and I'll be thinking about you until I do." I read it three times and felt myself cheesing like a teenager. "Girl get ahold of yourself you don't know anything about him." I text him back with a simple "You have a great day too, let me know what your schedule looks like this week." We got together that weekend and every weekend after (he has some rank so he is off on the weekends). Hanging out with him was more like chilling with an old friend. There was no pressure to be anything else and I appreciated it. Over the next few months we really got to know each other. One evening we were at his place, as we often are because he has a balcony with beautiful view of the city and I love a balcony. He was out there leaning on the railing, whisky in hand. I was in the kitchen getting a refill, he didn't hear me come out, so I took the opportunity to stand in the doorway and watch him. At the angle he was standing his profile was backlit by the city lights I took in his 6'2 230lb frame and even in stillness there was a sense of strength and power about him, it emanated from him like an aura and surrounds anyone in his immediate vicinity. He took a deep breath and I guess he registered my presence and tuned to catch me looking at him. He didn't say anything, just tilted his head to the side, and raised an eyebrow. I walked out and asked him if he was ok, he said he had a lot on his mind and couldn't make sense of any of it. "I've found that we often already know what the answer is to a problem or issue we're having, the key is finding someone whose opinion you trust and talk it through." I went back to lounging and sipping my wonderful wine, he has great taste in wine. He turned around and sat next to me and started "well this is whats going on.." "Whoa wait, me?" I asked. Yea he said with an "obviously" look on his face, he continued "Listen, when I'm with you, you always seem so at ease and you put me at ease, which isn't as simple as it sounds for a guy like me." "A guy like you, what do you mean?" Mo, I've seen things as a Marine and Firefighter that I would pay every dollar I'll ever make to unsee, but for whatever reason (looking me directly in my eyes) for the last few months things have been easier. I don't know why but spending time with you helps. You also give great advice and refuse to sugarcoat or water down your thoughts and opinions and that not a common trait these days." I sat there for a moment, then got up and looked at him. It was his turn to ask if I was ok. "Two years ago I was rushed to the hospital and put on a ventilator because I couldn't breathe on my own, three weeks in the ICU later I was diagnosed with an auto immune disease that there is no cure for and would have to manage for the rest of my life. It was a really, really rough time both physically and mentally, but I remember how much being around my friends that are basically family helped. How spending time with them, laughing and forgetting about everything for just a little while made such a difference. Once I got better I prayed that I could do for someone else, what was done for me." I explained with tears in my eyes. "Well you can cross being a lifeline off your bucket list" he smiled flashing those dimples deep enough to swim in. He stepped closer and wrapped me up in his arms. "Ugh, I'm such a crybaby" I said. He said that's ok with me, he wiped a tear off my cheek and laughed. I could feel the low rumble of that laughter in my chest. He was so warm, I could feel the heat down to my bones. We stood just like that for several minutes, then he let go and I immediately missed his closeness but not for long. Shannon took my hand and led me to the couch where he sat first then pulled me into his lap. He again wrapped his arms tightly around my shoulders and rubbed my back. This was it, I was home. I buried my face in his neck and inhaled , he smelled like Ralph Lauren Double Black on top of Cedar. I heard a low groan and I couldn't tell if it was from me or him. I felt safe, protected, and completely relaxed. He tightened his hold on me and placed light kisses on my neck just below my ear and this time I knew the sound I heard came from me. The whole world could have been burning outside the door and I wouldn't have cared. Neither of us said anything or made any attempt to move, suddenly his google home system started "Can U Handle it?" by Usher in the middle " Can you handle it, can I go there baby with you...."  I sat up and looked at him, he looked down at me like he was waiting for something "Well...can you?" he asked licking his lips.

[caishamoon]

How has having a baby changed you as a person ? Xx

I don’t even know how to describe the younger version of me… I kind of had times where I struggled to fit in at school and I was always seeking attention sometimes in very wrong ways. As a young girl I always thought I had to have a boyfriend, so from basically 12 I always did. Always long relationships too, lasting a year or more. Whilst each partner did teach me something important, I kind of wish I took the time to get to know myself as I was growing up. I used to give everything to these boys who were also young, they didn’t deserve to deal with all my crap but I completely changed their lives too, they just expected a young little flirtatious relationship yet I come into their lives and completely flipped the switch on what they think is normal. Threatening to hurt myself when they said their feelings were going, stupid stupid stupid. If I could have a few minutes to talk to each of them, fuck I would love to just apologise. I don’t know why I was so highly strung and emotional when I was growing up in high school but if I’d handled my first heartbreak a little better I think I could have been different. My first boyfriend left me after almost 2 years and I don’t care what anyone says- when you’re that young and you’ve been with someone that long it fucking hurts. Everyone loves, no matter what age. I legit thought my life was over, I used to carry on like a cut snake and pretend to hurt myself and act depressed all the time. Everyone started worrying about me, but I liked that! So I kept up with the bullshit and the drama and the victimising of myself until I had all these people worrying about me. People I didn’t even know messaging me telling me they hope I’m okay. What the fuck? I was okay… I was fine, I was going through life doing something almost everyone has to do. I just handled it completely wrong . I feel so sorry for my first lover, even know. He just wanted to grow up and be a teenager and find himself, and I made it hard for him. I made him worry about me, made him think he was responsible for me being happy when he wasn’t at all. I wish I could say sorry to him.Anyway- this self destructive behaviour stayed with me until about 16. So the boyfriend I had after my first, in between then- had to deal with all the same fucking shit. Emotions, playing the victim, threatening, acting like a hypochondriac. My second boyfriend and I could have had a really happy relationship if it wasn’t for me still carrying on with the same crap. Eventually he grew tired of it and moved on- who could blame him though.It wasn’t really until I was very close to a suicide myself that I pulled my head in a bit. I used to hurt myself for attention, love going to school with superficial scratches on my arm and having people worry and stare (I know wtf) People were giving me attention and that was just what my younger self fed on, even if it was bad attention, I didn’t care. I wanted everyone to see me and think “poor Caisha” even though I’d never been through any real shit in my life.I did the most growing with my last high school partner. We were truly besties, he changed my life for the better and we used to laugh at all the trivial crap I would once get so upset over. He was the strongest person I’d ever met. His father had chosen to leave this world… and never told anyone why. My partner was 15 when it happened and had to deal with that. Seeing him show up to school every day with this massive smile and this awesome attitude despite what’d happened… man did that wake me up to myself. How could I have been so selfish? Seeing what this suicide has done to this family, how could I have at one stage wanted that to be me? What the fuck. Probably the biggest wake up call of my life. I will always be grateful for the time we shared and what I learnt from this beautiful vessel and his family. Although I was the reason we didn’t work out, part of me wishes we stayed besties, the way we started out. Getting together just made it complicated, but I think of him every day.

So after leaving Highschool I was already mentally on the right track, I hadn’t hurt myself for a long time and when my last boyfriend and I parted ways there was no threatening or carrying on on my behalf at all. So I was proud of myself and recognising the changes I was making. I had a newfound appreciation for life.. it was beautiful for the first time in a long time, I saw it as something precious and valuable which was new to me. But I was keen to keep focusing on the positive side. Meeting Ash’s dad was just the best day ever, holy shit we clicked. We were introduced through a mutual and I honestly knew I fucking loved him from that second. I love him, I love his family, his heart, his sense of humour I just couldn’t think of anyone more perfect for me. And I’m so glad I’ve never put Ryan through any of the shit my old partners had to deal with, I’m so glad Ryan has never seen that side of me and I know he never will, ever. Because it’s not me.We were together for about a year and when I feel pregnant I just knew I was gonna do it, we both did. He was so excited to be a dad and I was over the fucking moon. Just something within me felt like it was right, and it still does. Having Ash has made me a better person. I like to think I was well on my way to becoming a good person before I had him, but he sped up the process. I am more patient, more forgiving, more understanding, honest.I’m not saying I’m all this and that, but compared to my young self and how I used to view myself and the world I’ve come such a long way. Life is so beautiful and I think becoming a mother makes you realise it. I will never go back to the way i used to be, and especially now that I have Ash I always have a reason to be the best version of me. All the in between shit doesn’t matter. We’re all here, we’re all the same person having a different experience, we’re all human beings. We are all a part of something so much bigger, I’m more connected to Mother Earth since having ash, since creating a life. I don’t think you need to have a baby to make you realise the beauty of life, but it definitely helped. Life is so fucking good, and the advice I would give to a young me or a girl going through a similar time to a young me. Think about why you’re upset, a boy? Because he doesn’t wanna be with you? Well he doesn’t fucking have to. Move on. Let him be happy and focus on making your damn self. You get one life, be your own best friend. And if it’s not a boy, what? Life sucks? No it doesn’t, don’t be ungrateful, go outside, read a fucking book. It ain’t that bad

[themsgdiaries]

Coloring my dreams is not defined by you coloring my skin.

I'm supposed to be "studying" but here I am #yesshewrites again 😅

2 years ago, I read an article discussing about how Filipinos are the "Black" of the Asians. (not only they viewed and looked us down about our educational degrees but ultimately the fact that we are the dark-skinned of the Asia).

When I was little, I do not care about my skin color. The only moment I get to experience and became aware of it and became an issue was when I transferred into a public school. At such a young age, like 2nd grade or 3rd my classmates and all other sections called me Ms. Maputi (for they do not know my name) and the little boy whom I remember who was nice to me, his name is Aldrin was called "guruto" for being dark- skinned. It was the time where the teleserye Marina was everyone's favorite. I was complimented a lot for having fairer skin than anyone else and I was not really aware how it impacted anybody else for I was a privileged one.

Entering adolescence, everyone's finding the best version of themselves. At 6th grade, my Mom gifted me an Allue coral blush on as a graduation gift. It was my first set of make up and my love of it grew. I was consistently envied and judged. I don't know if it was because I apply make up or just because others wanted too but they couldn't afford one. Make up and shower gels from balikbayan boxes helped me to embrace and find myself, yet others judged and others praised me. 

Growing up, all our hormones were developing and as we face another chapter of being highschool, my classmates faced the problem of suffering from breakouts, oily faces, and clogged pores resulting white heads and black heads, and that popular skin deceased called "an-an". On top of that, we learned about face washes and perfumes. The boys discovered hair gels, body sprays, and how to act cool. The girls were all spraying colognes, fixing their hairs, and felt confident with the floral baby bras they're wearing though nobody really sees it. Some were starting to bloom, so they explored and used red lollipop to stain their lips to validate the strict rules in our school that they are not wearing makeup. One thing were common to both the girls and the boys, that like their teachers and tbeir parents everyone were obsessed of skin whitening soaps and staying out of the sun. My generation were the days where everyone says, "Maganda sana , kaso maitim" or "Maputi lang yan, pero hindi maganda". In my teenage years, there was never really anyone who fit the fixated standard of what was deemed perfection so we were all doomed.

Going back with my friends, I was never aware of how hard their struggles were for though we live in an all-summer-year-round- weather my skin seems abnormal for not producing much oil. Then, there I gained another name as Ms. No sweat glands. It was just okay. I do not care about it. But as I looked back today, I was also brought to the days how my adolescence was always me carrying that J&J talcum powder on my purse and that precious mirror. lol. lol. When I saved money from my allowance or momma will do our grocery shopping, I will upgrade my powder into that pink Pond's pinkish white glow powder sometimes sponsoring my whole clique. I cannot remember if I ever desired to be lighter when I was younger for outside the circle of my family I am just OK. But inside, I was often decribed as maitim or dark compared to my siblings and parents.

One particular moment I can remember was when I went to ibayo, a place where you get to cross a river to get to the countryside.I usually spend my summer there. A typical summer there would be chilling and eating magoes under its tree and playing endlessly until the sun goes down. My cousins, younger sisters and I were pretending we were hunters, pirates, geographers, and paleontologists digging fossils, catching any insects, and looking for fruits to eat. We found shells, bones, coins. We dig on mountains, caves , and farms. When we're lucky we will find a peso coins, or dug a "kamote" or a "singkamas" out of nowhere. We're happy though we never really tasted one because we are afraid to eat it because we might die from being poisoned. Unfortunately, most of our days were us being scolded for digging up my Tatay's bed of pumpkins or the newly transferred tomatoes, okra, eggplant seedlings which he grew from his green thumb and hardwork. That's not the worst part, wait for this one: the worst we would dig is a fresh manure of a person or an animal. We would vomit as if our intestines wanted to leave our little mouth swearing we will never hunt again-- which never happened. We would then ran as if we saw a ghost and as if the "deadly golden treasure" has its own feet chasing us to touch our skins and invade us. When the sun is out, that's also the time where my skin will transform as black as the night and the only fair skin left in me was my legs. So I was proud of my legs lol. I am as black as our Philippine tamaraw/carabao, My arms were as dark as a burnt coconut shell. My face is as red as my father's tomatoes surviving our violent hands of dig and tug. It was fun being under the sun though my cheeks were rosy, burning as is chilis were applied on my skin. The rashes and sunburns where just normal for me, but me being darker and darker each day was what I disliked the most.

One day, I complained to my Dad and said, "Ang itim ko na". My Dad replied "Hindi ka naman maputi". I do not know why he told me that. I do not know if he wanted me to not feel bad for being"darker" or he just consistently sees me darker than anyone else in our family. Everytime I will tell my Tatay I am maitim "na" he would say "hindi ka naman maputi" I never knew the reason behind it: If he wanted me to accept who I am or to break my little privilege I believed which my classmates praised me for. (My Tatay always taught me to accept myself and how God made me for who I am. I remember I was totally upset with tears welling up on my eyes for being bullied when I was 7, my classmates told me I was "salot" for being "kulot". They would chant "kulot- salot" throughout the school year. My Dad told me, "Alam mo kung anong ginawa sa'yo ng Diyos nung pinganak ka yun ang bagay sa'yo. Yun ang mas maganda sa'yo". From then, I was proud of my locks and my Mon maintained, caref, and made me the most beautiful curly girl. But not later on as I undergo adoslecence, I was swayed. I conformed to the idea that the starigthter, the better . I was in love of it. I regret though , I would trade my expensive hair brush just to get those curls back) Sorry for that long segway, my memories were just right here right now lol.

So,

After every summer vacation, I would enjoy a shower in our home. My showers were like hours and hours of ritual any Filipina women, especially young people would have probabally done in their life. Our shower room is like a spa. My mom has more than 5 body scrubs. From back scrub, body scrub, loofah, stone, towels, etc. I would lather myself with safe guard to kill the bacteria, then the essential soap in our home, Dr.Kaufman which makes me feel I am the most bacteria-free person in the world. The I would lather myself with papaya soap, bearing in mind that the longer I soak on it the lighter I will be. Feeling triumphant, I will rinse myself then a salt scrub and a coffee ground scrub would finish and seal all the ritual I have done.

I was not "much" discriminated on my skin color. But I have witnessed the worst. I have seen some of my friends and classmates feeling completely confident for being lighter (a lot of times a "little" lighter) making them a snob and a total jerk. While they were proud of being lighter, their hearts became darker for others. On the other hand, I have also seen those who were darker, those were the broken hearted young people who were called monkeys, "uling", "ulikba", "maitim", "itim", "anino"/shadow, "anak ng lagim", "banaks", and many many discriminative names.

Up to now, there are about 2 million skin ligthening soaps which are sold in the Philippines. Skind toners, injections, pills, and any other means for a "lighter and better" skin were not included yet. The truth is I WAS one of them. I thought it must be. I should be and that I need to be.

The media told me to. The people I idolized both I know personally and not made me believe. The education I had told me to. Calling Ifugaos "Aetas" (taga bundok) with their curly hairs and darkest skin I have ever seen.

Day by day I was whispered and molded with their colonized mentality.

And when I grow older, I was shocked that the nightmare has just began. Graduating from Highschool, I found some of my friends being scared in what future awaits them.

"kulang ako sa height"

"hindi kasi ako magaling sa English"

"pag tumanda ka na, wala ng mag ha'hire sa'yo"

"dapat kasi dun maputi, matangos ang ilong"

"sayang. kung pwede lang sana"

These were just some of the phrases I can recall to the extent.

And now I am telling you, it doesn't matter.

"kulang ako sa height"

"hindi kasi ako magaling sa English"

"pag tumanda ka na, wala ng mag ha'hire sa'yo"

"dapat kasi dun maputi, matangos ang ilong"

"sayang. kung pwede lang sana"

chuck all these mentality.

Then, I came to see the dark world of being hired and employed . The gas-gas na statement in each bio data and that line under every (job) wanted sign:

"With pleasing personality"

When I was 8, while waiting for our buko juice at the jeep terminal. I asked my Mom one time about what it means. I was just learning how to read that time. I enjoy practicing and reading each sign I see everywhere. My Mom was the proudest because she will caught me speaking and reading as she drives.

I can still remember, the sign was on white font on a red board of a (job) wanted sign. When my Mom explained it to me I have understood that a person should have a good understanding heart, and a good attitude in dealing with people. That is the desirable personality that they are looking for. It remained true to me. Until I really got curious if anybody wonder or ask what does it really mean as I enter college. Because it seems that the English as a second language speaker in my hometown does not translate "personality" with the same meaning my Mom taught me when I was younger.

My awareness of the career to take must be a security of my future.

Your skin-color, your looks, your ability to speak English, your education, your power were ingredients you need to have. If you can have it all on the same time. Malakas ang baraha mo of gettung hired. You need to have "good looks" to be desirable and most of all this good looks is mostly founded in who is the lighter skin? The lighter, the better. What is important for us to ask is how far we will let this happen? Until when we will allow this notion on "lighter, the better" box our wonderful future and the beauty we keep on ourselves? Do we just keep the discrimination happen or we will say it's time to end it and we're in it to end.

When one stand for another, the other can have courage to keep going.

Today, may you embrace yourself with your own beauty. May your dreams and potentials carry you above and beyond!

Always remember that itim man o puti ang kulay natin. H'wag naging kakalimutang maging tao at maging kapwa para sa iba.

May you receive your freedom today and may you celebrate your color with happiness on your face and an overwhelming pride for being perfectly made by God for who you are.

Cheers and Cheers!

Always,

TheMsgDiaries 💕

proofreading needed.

[ifdragonscouldtalk]

can I just Rant for a second here

Spiderman: Homecoming is so redeeming for me. 

A lot of people grew up on Captain America, or Iron Man. I was that little period in between that was a bit too late for Cap, and a bit too early for Tony. I grew up on Spiderman. I watched every show I could get my hands on, cartoons, kids shows, movies, I read comics. Spiderman was my superhero, especially when I was a preteen and I needed someone like that, someone who was like me. Spiderman was like me. He is the epitome of a teenager. I mean, you just have to look at his one-liners to see it. Things like that came out of me and my brother’s mouth daily, and then I see a hero doing the same thing. Spiderman was MY hero. 

I’ve already told you I watched the movies. Tobey Macguire’s Spiderman first came out in 2002, I was too young to watch it. So I knew the comics, the cartoons, all of Peter’s origins and villains and backstory, before I watched his films. I’m going to preface this by saying I only watched half of the first one. But it was SO disappointing. 

What makes Spiderman a hero, to me, is not his powers. Anyone could be mutated and decide, “hey, I’m going to deal with this” or “hey, I should get this checked out”. Peter didn’t do that, because he already wanted to be a hero. His powers didn’t make him a hero. He was a hero before. Spiderman is not about his powers. But that’s what 2002 Spiderman did. They took away Peter’s intelligence, made him little more than a comic relief. His intelligence is an integral part of Peter. He made his own webshooters, they aren’t a part of his powers. That, that right there shows you how much of a hero he is. Because yeah, he can climb on walls and use super strength, but when you think of Spiderman, you don’t think of those, you think of his webs. Those are his weapons, and they don’t hurt anyone, and I swear to god if that doesn’t show you how much Peter is a hero, you’re looking at him wrong. And so there’s no better way to show you how much 2002 messed up Spiderman than the fact that the webs are part of his powers, that he had them and didn’t make them. They took away his intelligence, his ingenuity, and that is what Peter IS. They turn him nothing more than ridiculous, and it was so crushing. 

Peter is brilliant. He’s an amazing scientist, in the cartoons he often has internships as well as being a photographer, and he made his own webshooters. In CACW, Tony fucking Stark is impressed with the webshooters. He’s amazed, Tony Stark is amazed, at what Peter made. Peter works with a box of scraps and creates amazing things. He doesn’t fight with brute force, he strategizes, which is what makes the webs work for him as a weapon. 

On another note, Andrew Garfield’s 2012 film I saw in theaters when it came out. I was just 13, and idolized Spiderman, because he was one of us. I was disappointed that he was not in highschool (and by this I mean, I understand that they claimed Peter and Gwen were in highschool, but I’m sorry, Andrew and Emma don’t pass off as highschoolers. If they were going to completely invalidate the identity like that, they should have just set it in college. I never was able to fully immerse myself in the story and believe that Peter was in highschool, and he had so much freetime that it was even more unbelievable that he was a highschooler), because to me the fact that Peter has to balance his classes, part-time job, and crimefighting just once again shows his absolute dedication and brilliance and is an incredibly important aspect of his character, but it was fine. The 2012 film was much better than the 2002 film, but I still disliked it; it left me unsatisfied. Peter’s character was more true to form, but the movie itself was done badly and, I felt, focused too much on a romance for an origin story that (spoiler alert!!) didn’t even pan out. I understand that the movie was simply a set up for a series (that didn’t even work out well), but it was still incredibly disheartening. Perhaps the worst part was the fact that he WASN’T a highschooler, because I felt like they were invalidating teenagers and an important part of my identity at the time. I think the fact that Peter is a teenager is incredibly influential over his entire character, and the way he fights and speaks.  But I was also incredibly disappointed that they didn’t even stay true to Peter’s origin story!! Who is the Lizard? Where was Harry? 

Back to Spiderman: Homecoming. I was so ecstatic when they included Spiderman in CACW. I was even more excited when they released who would be playing him. Finally, Peter is a teenager played by someone who can pass off as an actual teenager. Finally, he is back to his brilliant roots (”I can’t” “Why not?” “I have homework...”). It is so redeeming. Everything that was incredibly important to Peter’s character which has been taken away in the past is back. 

He’s an awkward teenager, but still incredibly brilliant. He has trouble with communication. Aunt May and school are important to him, just as important as saving people (Not the world. PEOPLE). He’s not afraid to stand up to someone, even if they’re someone he believes in and looks up to (examples: see CACW). He banters during fights but is still badass. He’s fascinated by things he doesn’t understand, willing to learn. He tries too hard. He is a teenager, in every sense of the word. 

I’m most looking forward to Tony’s role in Homecoming. Because Peter is exactly like Tony. He is an innovator, an inventor. He’s brilliant, too brilliant for his own good, and has been alienated for it. He lost his parents young, but has a few good friends. And he believes in people. Like Tony, he doesn’t want to save the world. He just wants to save people. He believes that people are important. That’s why he’s a hero -- that’s why Tony’s a hero. Neither one of them could give it up, because they can’t give up on people. They’ll fight for people, just as much as they’ll fight for what they believe in. There are so many parallels between them, and Tony saying “I wanted you to be better” told me that he sees them to. I am so excited to see that relationship. 

I am incredibly hopeful for Spiderman: Homecoming, and I hope it does Peter the justice none of the other movies have.