#he puts WAY too much trust in these unwell teenagers

[narratorstrash]

Do y’all think the lack of true/decent parental figures in his life has screwed up Lloyd’s sense of what a good parent is to the point that it’s affected how he treats Arin, Sora, & Wyldfyre? Bc it definitely feels that way with how much maturity & trust he puts in them despite them all being no older than 15

[ohblackdiamond]

do you think Paul's therapist jesse hilsen was a bity shady? probably even manipulate or apparently subjected Paul to breakdowns?

jesse hilsen, to put it in the absolute kindest way possible, had far too much influence over paul.

he became paul's therapist when paul was fifteen years old. paul sought him out himself. this was in 1967, when mental health issues were far more highly stigmatized than they are now, and, frankly, if you were in therapy or seeing a psychologist during that time period, you were either very well off, or you had very major mental health concerns. it was nowhere near as comparatively normalized a thing to participate in as it is now-- and even now, over 50 years later, i still find myself personally very hesitant to admit to coworkers that i attend. judgmental reactions and assumptions in 1967 would have been enormous. paul's dad didn't think he was mentally unwell enough to merit therapy. (paul's sister julia had and has her own, more severe, mental health issues, and probably paul's dad was comparing the two. i don't think it was right/fair of him.)

anyway, this therapy continued throughout his high school years and by paul's own admission, his visits to hilsen slowed/eventually stopped after he became friends with gene. admittedly this is some conjecture on my part, but i have my doubts that paul had ever really had a close friend prior to gene, and gene's ambitious, driven nature, shared jewish heritage, desire to start a band, extraversion, etc. all coalesced into a bit of a new world for paul. i think that once he became friends with gene, he was probably out and about much more, going places, doing things, and feeling a bit better about himself.

he got back with hilsen after kiss got started. (no, i don't have an exact timeline.) the guys make less than offhand mentions in their books (particularly peter) of paul constantly ending up on the phone with him and says he wouldn't make a move without consulting hilsen. i think, that as paul's therapist from when he was a teenager (iirc hilsen was a child psychologist), hilsen should've done his due diligence and referred him out-- instead he continued to have paul as his client well into his adulthood. when did he stop (on paper) having paul as a client? 1988.

why did he (on paper) stop? well, because hilsen went on to become the band's manager from '88-'92, of course! at paul's recommendation, of course! because clearly all the other managers they ever had just robbed them blind, and dr. jesse hilsen would never, ever abuse a position of trust, and managing a band vs. managing a celebrity client's therapy sessions has so much skillset overlap, of course!

why did gene allow this to happen? the world may never know. but hilsen sure didn't use his kiss money to pay child support.

back to the question at hand. yes, there's allegations and claims that during his tenure as the band's manager that hilsen would threaten to make paul "go crazy" i.e. likely deny him the therapy talks that he absolutely no longer should've been giving him at that juncture.

do i believe this is true? yeah, ultimately, i do. hilsen had an inordinate amount of power over paul from the word go and abused that power to get more money and influence over him and the band at large. as far as the nitty gritty details, i don't have them and don't really want them. paul was unequivocally the victim here.

jesse hilsen, incidentally, is still practicing. go ahead, look him up. but i sure wouldn't book him.

[loominggaia]

In an alternate timeline where Lukas and Dr. Che didn’t put a hit on Zeffer and he got to cure his vampirism, how would things have gone for him since he’s now an Elf? Would he connect with the other crew-members, or would he still keep his distance?

Interesting scenario! Zeffer blames a lot of his difficulties on his vampirism, and while it is a crippling and isolating disease, I believe he'd still suffer a lot of the same issues if he was cured.

Living as a vampire for so long has left Zeffer deeply traumatized and mentally unwell. But he was clearly wasn't doing well even before he contracted vampirism, because he wasn't able to hold down a job due to his excessive drinking. He was so young then too, still a teenager. He drank excessively to cope with some kind of internal pain. We don't know the details of that, but it doesn't really matter. The point is, Zeffer never learned to overcome his pain in a healthy way, and it continues to plague his heart all these years later...on top of the vampirism-related trauma.

So, even if he was cured, I feel like he'd still suffer from paranoia, depression, and violent tendencies. He would still struggle to trust anyone. He would still behave in strange, offputting ways, and none of that would win him any friends.

As a vampire, Zeffer keeps his distance from others. It makes him too afraid to interact with the crew because he feels like they'll see through his guise and discover what he really is. If he was truly cured, he would be more motivated to interact with them.

But like I said before, his trauma has left him with an offputting presence, and I don't think they'd receive his attempts at friendship very well. This would cause him to withdraw again. He knows he's creepy and weird, but he doesn't know how to be any other way.

Vampire or not, Zeffer's situation wouldn't change much. Because frankly, vampirism isn't the worst thing holding him back like he thinks it is. It's certainly a factor, but his main issue is his untreated mental illnesses.

*

Questions/Comments?

Lore Masterpost

Read the Series

[prettyboychainsaw]

There's going to be spoilers for... All of Outlast in this, bear with me.

Asylum horror has been used in ablest messaging since there have been asylums. It's fed into our fears of losing ourselves, our minds, and our bodies. The most prevalent, however, is the fear of losing our humanity. It's not that we're afraid of the confinement and loss of freedom or having unethical practices done to us without consent; it's the fear that being mentally unwell justifies those actions. That once you lose your mind, whatever that may mean, you lose your right to be human. You become "Bad". And, in asylum horror, why wouldn't society be justified in this? Look at how these patients--or better said, inmates--take no time in lining the hallways with gore the moment security fails. Look at how quickly everything goes to hell because they can't be contained any longer. Look at all the nice, good people who get torn to shreds because these insane people took over the asylum, and look at our protagonist who is caught in the middle of all of it.

This is the story we read, and play, and watch, over and over again. And Outlast looks very much like this. But, then, why are you, the protagonist, not the only one who's afraid?

In Outlast, we're presented with a setting we recognize. A bunch of "psychos" who have taken over a mental institution. But from the very start we're given a reason to doubt our understanding. Miles Upshur isn't an officer of the law or doctor of psychology, he's a journalist, a war journalist, who has been sent a message by a whistleblower stating in no uncertain terms that something horrible is happening at Mt. Massive. We aren't given "Please help me! The inmates have gotten loose and they're killing everyone!" we get (and this is the direct quote) "People are being hurt and Murkoff is making money." From the very start, we're told that Murkoff is exploitative, and has means to make money off that exploitation. It's the first theme in the game, and the most important of them.

Without making this too long (because trust me, I could). Outlast makes an effort, a bloody, horrific, and painful effort to demonstrate that there is violence, but not exactly for the reasons we think.

Chris "Little Pig" Walker hunts you, but you realize he's hunting you because he's trying to contain Billy, the Walrider. You learn, through Waylon's eyes, that Chris was right. Failing to prevent Miles' delve into Mt. Massive led to the Walrider escaping into the world outside Murkoff. We see him standing there, inhabiting the husk of Miles Upshur, in the broad morning sun.

In the same thought, who is Billy--and what is the Walrider? Billy was a teenager who was, by all means, sold to this organization to be experimented on and used to summon, or create, the entity of the Walrider. His violence is defensive, wild and sporadic. Like a cornered animal gnashing and tearing at anything that gets close.

Hell, even Eddie Gluskin is in a state of psychosis, brought on not because he's just "insane", but because he was deemed too insane to live and further traumatized by an organization that felt justified in using his pain for profit. He projects the trauma he's reliving out into the world around him because he's was more profitable that way. He was sent to Murkoff for rehabilitation and they made him worse.

One of my favorite scenes, and honestly, the scene I feel makes the thesis of the entire game is in the cafeteria in Outlast 1. You meet a man who just wants to burn it down. That's it. He's lived through the horror Murkoff has put everyone though, and the best answer he's got is just to burn the whole thing to the ground. Get rid of it. He doesn't want justice, he just wants it to be over. You have to extinguish his fire to continue, of course, and all he can do is... tackle you for it. He pushes you to the ground and runs off. He shows in a moment less intense than the rest what the whole game is made up of. People reacting, with what little power they have, to a situation that is so far beyond their control its impossible. You, the player, took that reaction away from him. And you, the player, have to wonder if that was the right choice at all. The game is messy becuase you've stepped into a war. It stops being messy when you find the cause. The only exceptions to this are characters like... Jeremy Blaire, Rick Trager, Dr. "Actual real Nazi, like how can it get more obvious the symbolic and literal foundation of the entire organization is a Nazi" Wernicke. All people involved on the Murkoff side of Mt. Massive.

By the end of the game, at the end of Whistleblower, I can tell you that I had never felt more anxious for my character than I did when it was revealed that help had arrived. We had spent the whole game in horror and blood, only to realize that at least the blood was honest. It was the polished steel we were trapped under that was lying to us the entire time. By that point we're in the same understanding as every patient who has ever been hurt by Murkoff: there is no one to help. Everyone who is against Murkoff is insane, and thus the world is justified against them. We're forced to rethink our position as the protagonist becuase we become part of the "insane", too.

The game presents us with a situation we think we understand, and then asks if we really understand it, or if we've just built our understanding on assumptions that--in the world of Outlast--allowed all of these horrible things to happen.

Don't even get me started on the political drag show (this is a complimentary and affectionate description of the game. This is a good thing) that is Trials.

yeah "buhh its a video game its not that deep" for real yeah lets just gloss over the giant overarcing commentary on capitalism, on the abuse of the vulnerable people in society to further the reach of control, capitalism and fascism via the elite's cooperation with one another (and the govt) to corner and abuse the vulnerable, to control necessities like medicine and water, to face no consequences for their abuse, all while amassing more wealth for the sake of wealth (and control) and lets just focus on the big scary dudes with shit in their pants somehow giving you guys boners

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

okay so now that I’ve had sleep I’m able to collect some of my thoughts for the c!primeboys hero and sidekick au. not a lot sorry i still have just woke up.

- c!tommy’s been living on the streets in the bad part of town for as long as he could remember. he makes a living off of petty theft, but he feels guilty about it (most of his targets barely have more than he does) so when he’s old enough he puts on a mask and starts protecting the people in the slums as a vigilante.

- now, superpowers have been a thing for about twenty years, being basically created by experiments in a government lab. most superheroes and villains are at least decently well off enough that their parents were able to pay for their kids to get them (only inducing them in very young kids has worked so far, without severe side effects), though there’s some who were used as unsafe test subjects that aren’t (since those were taken from the sort of people no one would miss).

- therefore, c!tommy’s completely powerless, and most people he deals with are petty criminals. those that aren’t usually don’t have the clean pretty and powerful effects of most supers- their powers tend to be weaker and uncontrollable, their forms in some way blatantly shifted, usually unwell both physically and mentally. he feels a lot of pity for them, but a jobs a job (and most of them don’t really wanna hurt a kid- c!tommy is sixteen, but he’s baby faced and small from years of malnutrition, so he looks a lot younger which he hates.)

- c!dream, however, is one of the biggest superheroes, famous and loved and revered. with the power to create illusions that can fool all five of the senses, he’s one of the most powerful supers, and is well known for benevolence, helping without expectation of pay. this is genuine, but more because he sees defeating the bad guys as an interesting intellectual challenge than anything else.

- c!dream does prefer his secret identity, honestly (he likes dressing up in his cape and mask and being able to do what he likes), but that’s not to say he dislikes his normal life. son of two incredibly wealthy individuals, who could afford for their child to get the best powers possible, he’s known for investing a large amount of money into scientific research. he has a passion for discovering more about superpowers, as he loves his own so much.

- after hearing about some interesting crimes in the bad sort of town, c!dream goes to investigate and bumps into c!tommy. the vigilante is young (young enough to potentially survive through the new, advanced procedures of inducing powers without too much damage. physically, that is). there’s no one looking out for him. he’s determined and brash and has the same sort of devotion to defeating villains as he does (for very different reasons, of course). and he’s in awe of him. yes, he’ll do perfect.

- he helps out the awestruck teen a little, before offering to treat him to something to eat- after all, he looks like he’s barely had anything all day! starving and utterly trusting, c!tommy agrees, and the two of them go somewhere that feels like heaven to a starving teenager like him, even if there’s a weird bitter tinge to all the food, and he just feels so, so tired all of a sudden, and…

- of course, when the kid falls unconscious after stumbling out of the local mcdonalds, c!dream feigns concern, and onlookers believe him when he says he’s going to take him to the hospital.

- where c!tommy wakes up is definitely not a hospital. instead, he’s in a small room with see through plastic walls, hooked up to an IV pumping something that feels like it’s burning away his insides like acid into him, and feeling a million times sicker than when he had pneumonia. dizzily, he vaugely registers he’s being watched, and he opens his mouth to scream but only manages to start gagging up some strange, ugly fluid.

- the process of getting powers is not quick and easy. it’s easier for infants, but it’s still miserable. any older, and there’s a real possibility of serious, permanent injury, if not death. it’s months of mental and physical agony as your body shifts to adapt. severe trauma is all but inevitable. c!tommy is not only going through all of this, but he doesn’t even have a clue what is happening to him or why for a pretty large amount of it. he’s too delirious to be talked to, and spends most of the time curled up in bed babbling to himself. (amused by this habit, and not knowing any proper name to call him, c!dream starts calling him songbird, since he never stops “singing”.)

- the mental effects die down somewhat about halfway through (while the physical effects only worsen more and more), and being a clever kid c!tommy does manage to piece together pretty quickly that he must have been drugged and kidnapped (though he refuses to believe c!dream is at fault.) he’s in too much pain to really do anything, though. he’s too weak to get out of bed and in too tired to even open his eyes.

- the rest isn’t as detailed as this sorry but i am trying to get it into words. the superpower c!tommy ends up with is the ability to use a weaker copy of any other power of anyone within about a ten meter radius of him. while physically he looks fine, he’s got really bad chronic pain from the whole thing along with ptsd. c!dream is very, very possessive over c!tommy as he’s the first subject who both survived and remained useful to him and he doesn’t want to have to go through so many failures again. c!ranboo is one of these failures- he lived but was changed so much physically that there was no way he could keep a secret identity. c!dream also genuinely doesn’t get why c!tommy wouldn’t see this as a wonderful opportunity and instantly see him as a cool big brother mentor figure and is very angry when c!tommy responds to the whole “oh yeah i kidnapped you and put you through agonising pain so you could be a tool to assist me anyway now you can’t leave and you have to follow all my orders” with “well fuck you I thought you were cool but i hate you now.”

[pvrpleblccd]

As the world caves in.

syposis : It was now or never. This was his only chance, never will he have another chance like this.

pairing : dreamwastaken x f.reader

tw : angst, sad, tradegy, death, mentions of death/suicide, mc going through a very rough time

~

ᴀs ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴏʀʟᴅ ᴄᴀᴠᴇs ɪɴ - ᴍᴀᴛᴛ ᴍᴀʟᴛᴇs

I fell on my knees, looking at my family laying on the floor, white foam and another odd colour of a substance coming out of their mouths. My hand started to tremble as I reached out for my little siblings hand. It was cold. I couldn't help, but sob. Looking at their faces made me weak, it was pale, way too pale and far from its original tone. Their expressions will be one that will be engraved with me, they looked somehow peaceful, if it wasn't for the foam, we could mistaken for them to be asleep.

I put my palm on their cheeks, taking in their features for the last time, they're so young, way too young. They barely lived. There's so much ahead of them. They were looking forward to their lives, I was supposed to watch them grow up and see them graduate. Watch them enjoy their lives and, maybe, them eventually becoming parents.

My head suddenly turned to my parents, I looked at their faces and both of them held a small smile with dried tears clearly noticeable on their faces. My eyes glanced down on their hands, they were hold each other's hands, with their wedding rings on. Another sob came out of my mouth and hoped that they were able to move on with their next life. I felt a tiny happy feeling inside of me, my parents were divorced and they separated, but seeing them like this.. It made me feel.. somehow happy.

My tears were never ending. They kept on falling as I let out a scream. It hurt. My family is gone, without me, and soon I too will be gone. But I did not wanted to go, not yet.. Not alone. I got up and grabbed a blanket, placing it over my family. I noticed one of our gardening flowers in the living room, it was withering, but I took it and placed it on top of the blanket.

"Thank you.. For everything. I hope you were able to move on. I love you all... May we meet again."

A hiccup escaped my mouth, I quickly wiped my tears even though they kept on coming. My eyes went to the TV, the timer kept on going down and flashing, reminding me the time I had left to live the life I couldn't live at its fullest. I clenched my jaw and threw the closest thing to me on it, which was a family frame and made my way to the front door, locking it, out of habit and looked at my house I've lived it for the past 18 years.

All the good and bad memories flashing in my head, finally arriving to the conclusion even if I mostly had downs, I've enjoyed many moments of it. I was still glad to be able to live, experiencing things, even though I would have experienced more. Then the feeling of regret came to me, I shouldn't have wasted the time and moments I locked myself up in my room.

"Goodbye... My memory box."

With that, I made my way to the usual hangout of my friends and I. There was one more thing I wanted to say to someone first. The thought of them gone came across my head and my walking became jogging then running. The people in the streets were wildly insane. Some celebrating, some were trying to loot places before entering their bunkers, some were making out, some were crying. There were too many things happening, it terrified me. The sirens started to go and a mix of screaming, cheering and crying could be heard.

"I don't have much time... I need to see him... Its- AHH!"

The sound of guns could be heard, people started to shoot each other and a bunch of troubled people descended their vehicles and screamed 'We're all going to die soon, give up your life already'. That sentence caused a havoc amongst the people, bodies started to flop on the ground and blood spattered everywhere, this made me run faster. I stop dead in my tracks as I came face to face with the silent guy in my physics class who I would always bring his favourite chocolate chips cookie. My hands immediately went up as soon as I saw the crossbow he was holding.

“Nerd.”

Every step he took, made me insides hurt me even more. I would always try to cheer him up or make him smile or even get to open up, in the end I would always be the one ending up talking about how much of a wuss I am when I would always fail to get along with him again. He came up to me, his long pink hair swaying by his side, I closed my eyes and waited for the agonizing pain, but it never came, instead, I was engulfed in a warm hug. My eyes shot wide open as I returned the hug and squeezed the man.

“Thank you for being a wonderful friend to me. You made me feel things that a normal teenager should feel. What do they call it? Fireflies? No, I think it was butterflies. But too bad, it’s time to say goodbye now. I do admit, I will miss your rants.”

“Techno-“

“Dave, now go. Go to him.”

“Dave… thank you.”

I felt him give a small peck on my cheek before he turns away gracefully, I fully took note of what he was wearing, it was beautiful. He was dressed as if he was a king or even a god, his red cape flowing through the wind perfectly. I smiled and continued my course. After making turns, I finally arrived to the hangout spot, my running turned into jogging then walking, then I finally stopped, seeing his tall figure and his signature long brown coat and beanie.

"Wil-"

There he was. Comforting her, whispering things in her ear. The both of them were sitting on the bench we made, so the whole gang could fit in it. She looked up to him, her tears still falling down. I saw him lean in and she did the same thing. My breathing stopped. My head and thoughts went numb. Both of their eyes closing, lips about to touch. Before I could see the action happen, I was turned around, my face making contact with a torso and my body embraced in a hug. My sobs were silenced by the loud sirens. It hurts. He knew I liked him, he knew and now he's there kissing Niki.

My best friend.

I confessed to him, only to have him tell me he wanted space to think. Niki knew I liked him as well, hell she was the one who helped me gather my courage to go confess to him. Was I that oblivious to not notice the sudden change in Wilbur's behaviour whenever he saw Niki close or the way he talked, always harsh to me, but always soft to Niki? And the look he held in his eyes when I'm with him, nothing but boredom and annoyance and when Niki showed up, his eyes would light up and smile immediately. He would always find a way to finis the conversation quickly so that he can go talk with her.

I was blinded by what I thought was love.

"Let it out.. Let it all out y/n."

I recognized who it was just by the sound of his voice. Clay. I hugged him tighter, before my knees gave up, the both of us ending up on the ground. Never once Clay let me go. His arms were around me in a protective manner, his hand caressing my back and felt him humming something, head still on his chest.

Clay.

The one who was always been there for me when I was at my lowest and needed someone. The one who always took me out of my cave of a room when I was sad. The one who would stay up all night to play games with me. The one who helped me the most when my older sibling died. The one who would encourage me to go hang out with Nick, George and him when the others were having a chill hangout when I wasn't invited. The one who always cheered me up when I was gloomy and unwell. The one who always visited me whenever I missed a day in school.

He was the one who truly cared about my health.

The only one who truly cared about me.

I looked up to him, taking in all his features for the first time. His freckles sprayed perfectly on his face, his blonde hair was displayed in a messy way, they were wavy, reminded me of Wilbur's. His eyes were closed, eyelashes long as ever, lips looking plum and nose looking boopable. He wore a simple outfit, jeans with black converse and his signature lime green hoodie with a smiley face of it. The small breeze made his hair slightly move to the wind and made his eyes open. Those beautiful emerald green eyes.

Oh, they were the prettiest colour I've ever seen. Just looking at them, I got lost in them. They would always gave me a sort of warm and welcoming feeling. How could've I not looked at him like this before? Never once I fully took in his features. Clay, is the most beautiful man I've ever seen.

Why was I always focused on Wilbur?

When the one who truly cared for me, was always by my side?

A wave of guilt hit me, my vision becoming blurry ones again, Clay must've felt my shaking and heard my sobs once again. He looked down to me, eyes meeting each other's and a soft smile came across is beautiful face. I was no longer held in a hug, but his hands made contact with my cheeks, cupping them. He wiped away my tears with his thumb and put his forehead on mine. I found it selfish that I enjoyed this, Clay was always there for me and I wasn't able to pay his kindness.

"Clay... Why? You were always there for me, but.. I don't understand.. why?"

"It's you, y/n. It's always been you. I was head over heels for you, ever since I saw you for the first time. As we grew closer, I fell even more for you. Y/n, you're a wonderful woman, you're fucking gorgeous and you're amazing. Wilbur's a fucking asshole for not accepting you, the man fucked up and seeing you losing your smile.. It broke me. It fucking broke me. I didn't want you to lose that precious smile. You're an amazing person and you deserve the world, I.. I couldn't give you all of the things you deserve.

You went through so much and it always broke me seeing you unwell and unstable. I don't know how you do it... You're so fucking strong. After all that.. You still managed to keep a smile and be an optimist. I know that happy persona is nothing but a front, I know, trust me. — he paused for a moment, tucking a strand of loose hair behind my ear — Darling, you have no idea how lucky and happy I am to be able to see the real you. Every moment I spent with you, were the best moments in my life, Y/n."

I took in all of his words and played them in my head several times. I felt his thumb caressing my cheeks and hear him sniffle. I noticed the tears rolling down his face and this made something explode in my heart. I never saw Clay cry. Never once this man showed any sign of sadness or whatsoever before. Taking in on the fact that he was always on the one sided love destroyed me. He was making sure I was doing okay even though it meant to destroy him.

My thoughts were fighting against each other. All of the moments I have spent with Clay played in my head all over again. Remembering all of the times he would make me blush, because we would compliment me. The times were we would tease each other. The times were we would both pretend to be lovers just to be able to get 'couple discounts' and 'couple contests'. The moments I truly felt happy. And finally... The moment he would always make my heart skip a beat and give me butterflies. All of the thoughts led me to one conclusion that was written everywhere, all of the signs were there, but I was too blind actually see it...

Clay was the one I truly loved.

My eyes flickered to the object in the sky, slowly but quickly approaching us. I panicked and placed my hands on his cheeks. He looked at me in the eyes, his were red due to the crying and his expression was even more hard to take in. My breathing started to quicken, I shook my head, wanting to talk with him more, figure things out, but the object in the sky was making me stressed.

"Why..?! W..Why haven't you said anything Clay..?! I... Why only now??"

He looked up seeing the nukes coming closer and clenched his jaw. He once again faced me and pressed his lips against mine. My eyes immediately closed, suddenly forgetting about everything happening around us. Never wanting for this moment to end. When he pulled away, he pulled me back to reality. The sounds of the nukes coming was getting louder and louder. The lights started to blind my view.

"Clay.. Clay! N..No.. We can talk about this... I.. We can fix this... We can..."

Clay engulfed me in a hug, caressing me, trying to calm my horrified self. I clung onto the man whom I've realized, was the one. My cries were loud, I felt drops of water on my shoulder. He too was crying. Kissing my forehead on last time, he smile at me saying his final words.

"In another life... Maybe, it will be meant to be."

I looked at him for the last time, accepting my fate and gave him a genuine smile, for the first time.

"I love you."

unedited

published : June 20 2021, 4:40 am

modified : August 25 2021, 12:25pm

[prettywordsyouleft]

After School Hours

Pairing: Joshua Hong x reader (ft. Seokmin, Soonyoung & Jeonghan)

Genre: teacher au / co-workers to lovers / fluff

Warnings: none

Word count: 4501

You tried to convince yourself to look away. You didn’t need to watch on any longer than you already had. You’d witnessed more than enough for your heart to ache and tears threatened to fall from your eyes.

Thankfully, a group of students interrupted your moment. Jackie stepped forward and reached out for your arm excitedly. “Miss L/N! I didn’t expect you to come to the carnival tonight!”

You hadn’t exactly planned to either. However, your housemate Sasha had begged you to join her, even mentioning your neighbour Tom would be coming along. And because you had a crush on the aforementioned, you had put on your favourite dress, done a satisfactory job with your makeup and even wore some heeled wedges.

You had put aside your dislike for crowds to come tonight, all to find Sasha locking lips with Tom in front of the cotton candy booth when you returned from the restroom.

Swallowing back your emotions, you smiled weakly at the teenagers before you. “I should be marking your assignments at home right now much as you all should be studying for your next pop quiz. Especially you, Tori.”

“Teach, it’s Friday, live a little. You look so cute tonight; maybe you’ll find someone to make you forget all about that little test next week. There’s no point working us so hard when the school year has just started!”

You laughed and shook your head. “Not a chance. It’s not your first year in school either so you know how much this year counts the most for college admissions.”

“It was worth trying, right Tanith?”

“How about we go ride the Ferris wheel before Miss L/N finds out how badly I did on that assignment.”

You shook your head at the three girls as they waved animatedly and dashed through the evening crowds, your faint smile fading when you realised the distraction they had gifted you with was over. Turning around again, you sighed when you saw the couple grinning and feeding each other the sugary fluffy treat.

Just how often had you proclaimed to Sasha that you found Tom attractive? You felt like an absolute idiot and willed yourself to find anything, anyone to take your attention away and for them to remain oblivious to your realisation. As you searched the crowds for an escape, you faltered, noticing four men sitting at a picnic bench looking your way.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that you had witnessed what you had, you were now questioning how much they had pieced together.

You closed your eyes, wondering in what universe you had even decided to come out tonight in.

“Y/N!” Sasha called out as you spun away, and you stopped walking off hastily. Looking back at the woman, you smiled weakly whilst exchanging your steps away to back towards her. As you got closer, you glanced in the direction of those watching you and then back at your friend.

Or, you at least thought of her once as a friend. Now you were unsure what to trust in. Tom was gone from her side and before you could mention an excuse of feeling unwell, she clutched at her stomach instead. “Oh, there you are! I was worried where you had gotten to since you don’t like crowds much. Are you alright?”

“Actually-”

“Good, hey I’m not feeling well so Tom has kindly offered to take me home. You’ll be able to get a ride home right? I don’t want your night to end here all because I need to go to bed.”

You stared back at Sasha and tilted your head to the side, biting your bottom lip. She wasn’t sick. One look at her could tell anyone that she was bright-eyed and bushy tailed. Her eyes flitted in the direction to where you saw Tom waiting and you almost laughed out loud. Were you really this pathetic that the pair thought they could fool you like this? You knew exactly what was about to happen. There wouldn’t be just one person in that bed, and going home now sounded like the last thing you wanted to do with your night.

You smiled brightly, surprising Sasha with your lack of opposition. “I’ll be more than capable of finding my way home. Don’t worry, I’m sure Tom will take really good care of you.”

“Are… are you sure?” the woman asked, trying to decipher what was going through your head. “Do you know anyone here?”

“Of course she does, right, Y/N?”

You glanced at Jeonghan, one of the student teachers from your school, now beside you, his arm securing around your shoulder. You found yourself nodding along with the intense stare he gave you. Satisfied he had you playing along; he turned to Sasha who was darting her eyes between his arm around you and his handsome face. For a moment, you focused on following through, the euphoria of stunning your roommate making you feel incredibly warm all over.

And once she had said an awkward goodbye and dashed off to Tom, you succumbed to sudden mortification. Ducking your head and shrugging off his arm, you sighed. “Thank you for helping me.”

“I’ve been there before,” he said simply, gesturing his head in the direction of the others. You winced. They definitely knew too much about you now. You didn’t know how you would be able to face any of them in the faculty office on Monday morning. Jeonghan tugged you gently over to them.

“I actually should get going.”

“Where exactly?” Seokmin wondered, looking to Soonyoung beside him. You cringed as your cheeks coloured and then flinched at the former’s laugh. “I know where!”

“I don’t trust that sudden enthusiasm,” the final member said, and you barely glanced at Joshua. Of all the teachers before you, Joshua was the one you were most familiar with, given he was training under you and your fellow English teachers.

“To the whack-a-mole booth! Let’s go!” Before you even had a chance to slip by, Seokmin was dragging you over, paying the money for a round and handed you a fabric club. He then waved to the machine. “Do your worst, Y/N!”

You were hesitant but when the first creature shot out from the hole you smacked it down, focusing on where the next one would come from. As the game sped up, you tried harder to keep in sync, laughing when one of the moles slipped back down before you could hit it. Eventually, your time was up and you grinned, handing back the game instrument to the booth attendant and turned to the others.

“No way, is that all you can do?”

You smiled faltered at Soonyoung’s exclamation, watching as he rolled up his sweater’s sleeves. He shook his head. “Come on, I’ll do a round with you.”

After three more sessions, your sides hurt from laughing so much and you felt better for the energy you had exuded.

Jeonghan cleverly suggested a stop at one of the drink shacks for a juice and then you moved onto a couple of rides, played a few more games and watched as the sky turned dark. Resting on another bench as Seokmin and Soonyoung fought over who was meant to pay for the last game, you looked to Joshua beside you.

He smiled warmly and spoke before you could. “Is this your first carnival?”

“No, I went a couple of times as a kid but usually I asked to not go. Even as a kid I wasn’t very fond of crowds.”

“Ah, that’s why it seemed like everything was brand new to you. I hope you had fun.”

“I did, actually. Thank you.”

“It’s our pleasure. If anything, you kept me from dealing with a headache.”

“Oh?” You frowned and Joshua grinned, pointing to his fellow teachers in training. “Ah, they’re fun though.”

“They’re the right kind of people to be around on a night like this.”

You knew what he meant and nodded softly. You hadn’t forgotten what happened earlier, the kiss still lingering in the back of your mind. However, you had less time to think about it when Seokmin was dragging you about, Soonyoung was challenging you to do another round and Jeonghan was calling for a rest in between.

Without the events of tonight, you would have simply remained on polite terms and not gotten to know any of the student teachers further than sharing a smile when you crossed paths in school.

You hadn’t felt lonely before, but tonight made you realise what you did miss out on when you were cooped up in front of the TV every weekend.

“It’s getting pretty late,” Jeonghan announced and you took Joshua’s hand to help you up, rocking a little on your heels. You vowed next time you would wear comfortable sneakers in the very least. You blinked, realising you wanted another round of fun out like this and smiled with the idea.

Jeonghan hiked his thumb towards the parking lot. “We’ll give you a ride home.”

“Oh, I can’t-”

“You can, we’ll not feel comfortable letting you find your own way home, right guys?”

You nodded softly at Seokmin’s statement and followed them over to a van.

Soonyoung shook his keys to the vehicle proudly. “I teach a bunch of kids how to dance so this thing comes in handy for events. It might not look the prettiest but it’s reliable and safe. Hop in.”

The ride home was comfortable, with conversation about the school and their time there so far. You enjoyed hearing about Seokmin trying to teach a student how to utilise his falsetto by failing to maintain his own in the exercise, Jeonghan having a run-in with the bossy Vice Principal and Soonyoung admitted teaching teenagers dance and physical education was a whole lot different than he had expected it to be. Joshua only had nice things to say about his time in your department, and you confessed to crying in your first week as a fully fledged teacher because one of your students threw his textbook out the window. It wasn’t every day where you got to chat about things like this outside of school and when your street arrived, you were almost disappointed the night was about to come to an end.

And then your eyes focused on the house next to yours where Sasha and Tom were sharing a passionate embrace on the doorstep of, no doubt having spent a whole lot more time in bed together too. It didn’t hurt as much as it had at the beginning of the night but it subdued your excitement from your time with the others.

Slinging your bag over your shoulder, you reached for the sliding door handle. “Thank you again for tonight. And for the ride home.”

“Y/N wait,” Jeonghan said as you opened the door slightly. Looking back at the man, he was giving you that intense gaze that you remembered from when he first came to your aid. “Don’t let them have the upper hand in this situation. If they want to be like this, why not show them up for thinking of you as a fool. I don’t know the whole situation but if it was anything like my own, I know they’ve pegged you as something less than what you deserve.”

“I probably am.”

“No, you’re not that at all.” Jeonghan licked at his lips and looked at his friends before continuing. “Climb out of the van and say goodbye loudly and then turn back and…”

“And?”

“Kiss someone! Just do it.”

Your eyes grew wide at the preposterous concept, and you shakily stepped out of the van. Glancing in the direction of Sasha and Tom, now guiltily caught in the act, you felt something within you snap. You repeated the sentence from before thanking the four of them and then took a deep breath, expecting to meet Jeonghan’s lips when you leaned back in.

Instead, you were surprised to see him out of the corner of your eye as Joshua pressed his mouth to yours. You didn’t know if it was because of the whole situation or the added surprise that your co-worker was now kissing you, but you felt dizzy, pulling away and stumbling a little on the sidewalk. You smiled and nodded softly, waving at them before turning around to head up the footpath to your front door. You focused only on your steps, not paying any attention to Tom and Sasha staring at you or listening out for the van to depart.

Which is why you were surprised when a hand reached for your lower arm, swinging you back around. You stared up at Joshua who was now soul-searching your face, his head lowering towards yours again for a second embrace. Clinging to his strong back, you closed your eyes and melted into his kiss. It had been too long since you had tasted a man like this, sucking in a deep breath as he moved in for yet another kiss. And when you were certain you had no air left, Joshua pulled away, blinking rapidly.

“I just… I felt something,” he confessed, now staring at you again. You bit at your swollen lip and he watched the action before smiling. “I couldn’t not take the chance to see if it continued.”

“Did it?” you asked softly and he nodded, brushing your plump lips gently with his thumb. You felt giddy, leaning into his touch. “Me too.”

“I’ll see you again, I hope.”

“Well yeah, we work together.”

Joshua rubbed at the back of his head awkwardly. “Right, of course. Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Goodnight.”

You covered your face as Joshua jogged back to jeers coming from within the van, hearing a loud toot as they pulled away from the curb. Once they were gone, you spun around and walked up to the front door, uncaring of Sasha waiting beside it.

“You... you kissed that guy!” she exclaimed as she followed you inside, lingering at your side as you placed your keys on the hallway stand. She continued along with you as you headed towards your bedroom. “That’s not something you do.”

“How do you know what I do and don’t do, Sasha? Just because you see me one way, and think you have me all sussed out, doesn’t mean I’ll follow along with your expectations. We’re housemates, not best friends.” You opened your door and stepped in, stopping to throw a look over your shoulder at the stunned woman behind you. “Oh, you’re looking like you’ve recovered from your illness well. I’m glad Tom helped you with that. Goodnight, I hope you feel better in the morning.”

And with that you shut your door, walking over to your bed in a daze and threw yourself down on it.

What a night it had been.

Monday morning arrived, along with a bundle of nerves. Even with the giddy feelings that overtook most of your weekend, you had enough time during those moments to realise that your trip to the carnival wasn’t your reality. You were unsure how you would remain professional whilst teaching a class that Joshua sat in on and there was a multitude of meetings and department needs where you would be expected to attend and keep on task. You were gravely concerned that after Joshua had kissed the life out of you that you wouldn’t be able to focus on anything but his lips.

You weren’t secure enough into your teaching contract at this school to jeopardise your professionalism by locking lips with Joshua again. Yet, the idea made your heart leap around erratically in your chest and before you made it to the faculty office upon arrival at school, you diverted into the library, groaning heavily as you leaned onto the top of the front desk. Your closest friend within these walls was the librarian and Ela looked up from a stack of books she was cataloguing. “Is that a it’s Monday morning groan or a I’m having a hard time with my emotions groan?”

“Why are they your only two options?” you questioned with a whine and Ela grinned knowingly. “It’s the second.”

“I knew it. What’s wrong?”

“I did something completely unlike what I normally do.”

Ela became thoughtful. “You went clubbing?”

“No, why would I do that?”

“You said something completely unlike-”

“I know what I said but that’s all that comes to mind?” Ela shrugged and you sighed heavily. “I kissed someone.”

“Scandalous.”

“A student-teacher,” you continued and you suddenly had her full attention. Chewing on your bottom lip, you caved when she began to shake your lower arm repeatedly. “Joshua Hong.”

“Details!” she chimed, pulling you around into the back office for privacy. You told her about everything that happened that night at the carnival, placating her moans for missing out on hanging out with the four men with you.

You smirked. “You don’t have to be so obvious about liking Seokmin.”

“If I hadn’t been out of town this week and you didn’t ring me to come join you, please know that I’d no longer give you extensions on the books you hire out for longer than you’re meant to.”

“Duly noted. But what am I meant to do now?”

“Go to work?” Ela suggested and you merely gaped at her. She grinned and clasped your hand within hers. “Come on, Y/N, you boldly kissed him in front of all his friends.”

“Don’t remind me.”

“I bet you were on his mind all weekend long. No one comes after you for another kiss if they don’t like you enough. Joshua’s probably been pining after you since meeting you at the start of the term.”

“Ela!” you warned, swatting your friend away. Still, your cheeks warmed at the possibility. And with several encouraging words, you got to your feet and walked as confidently as you could possess down to the faculty office, scanning the room for a specific face.

“Y/N!” Soonyoung called out and you grinned, waving gently. Walking over to the kitchenette area where he was making a coffee, you thanked him for the cup he handed you and then spluttered on your first sip when he said, “He’s not here yet.”

“I-I wasn’t looking for him.”

“Uh-huh.” Soonyoung seemed amused. “That was some kiss you both had.”

“Can you quieten down some?” you pleaded, looking at the other teachers within the room. You didn’t want news to travel any time soon.

Soonyoung held no tact, or rather, wasn’t about to let your suffering end. “You definitely outdid your housemate’s moment.”

“Soonyoung!” you breathed and then greeted one of the senior staff members awkwardly. Holding up your coffee cup, you grimaced. “Thanks for this.”

“I’m sorry it’s no-”

You covered his mouth and laughed weakly at the PE teacher who passed you by, reaching for a mug. Desperately searching your new friend’s eyes for his silence, you finally stepped back and all but rushed out the door.

During the rest of the morning, you bumped into both Jeonghan and Seokmin along your way, thankfully having an easier time than with Soonyoung. Still, it was evident they had given Joshua enough grief over how your night ended on Friday and you wondered if that was why you hadn’t seen him yet.

Of course, you knew you wouldn’t miss him in the English department’s meeting just after lunch. It was usually you who arrived to these meetings first, bringing your lunch in and using the office as a quiet place to read until the other teachers arrived.

However, Joshua had the same idea as you and chuckled softly when you placed your lunchbox down on the table. You didn’t say anything at first, merely staring at one another, the rush of Friday night overwhelming you again.

Joshua gestured to the seat beside him. “I won’t bite you.”

“Just kiss me?” you said without thinking, waving your hands around immediately to dismiss your comment. “Wow, I’m sorry, that just came out of nowhere.”

“I mean, I won’t deny that. I would kiss you again. But I have enough pride to wait until after school hours. I’m not about to jeopardise our professionalism all because I can’t get you off my mind.”

Sliding your lunchbox around the table, you took the seat beside him and nodded gently after sitting down. “Same.”

“So I was on your mind, huh?” he teased and you groaned.

“First Soonyoung teases me after handing me a coffee, and then Seokmin passed me by in the corridor making kissing noises. Thankfully Jeonghan wasn’t as bad but still! Are we back in high school?!”

You both broke out laughing when you realised the irony of your current location. Joshua swivelled in his chair to face you, reaching out to brush the strand of hair that had escaped your ponytail back behind your ear. You ceased all movement, looking slowly over at the man. “They’ve been relentless all weekend. I know Jeonghan was only going to help you because he’s had it done to him, but I think he was a bit miffed I moved in first.”

“I wasn’t expecting it to be you either,” you admitted.

“Did I disappoint you? Was Jeonghan your aim?”

“No, I didn’t-- I mean, I wasn’t looking around and trying to take my pick.” Taking in a deep breath, you smiled at him. “I wasn’t disappointed at all.”

“I was,” he replied and began to grin charmingly. “That I had to end it there. Given how many people were watching on, I guess it was appropriate to but just know the next time I kiss you, we won’t have an audience.”

“The next time?” you repeated and Joshua hummed in answer. “When’s that going to happen?”

“Tonight? Dinner?” he proposed and you nodded, letting out a relieved breath. Joshua took your hand as he began to eat and you both conversed with ease over your lunch, sighing when the bell went off to signal the next period was about to begin. You watched the door with annoyance.

Your hand was still loosely held by Joshua and you went to remove it when the door opened, however, he tugged it under the table, resting your linked hands within your lap. Shooting him a look and then greeting the head of the department distractedly, you felt the small encouraging squeeze he gave you, a silent plea to keep the connection there.

And you managed to for the whole meeting, actively participating in the session, only taking a couple of nervous looks at Joshua during the beginning of it. You reluctantly let go when it was over, collecting your things to head off to teach the first-year students for their final period of the day. Just before you got up to leave, Joshua leaned into your ear.

“I’ll pick you up from your house at six, okay?”

He was gone then and you tried not to openly swoon over how well he had you hooked on him now.

The daze from the romance you were under cleared a month later, Joshua looking a little nervous to meet with you for lunch today. You wondered why, given you had shared lunch together every day since that Monday.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah… actually no. I’ve not been entirely honest with this situation.” Your heart dropped and Joshua clued onto your thinking of the worst and he shook his head. “Oh no, not like that. It’s just, my placement here is up in two days.”

“You’ve got another six months of university, right?”

“Yeah, and I’m being sent to another school for my final placement so I won’t be coming to this school as the others will be in the spring.”

“How far away?”

“Two hours,” he replied and you nodded numbly. Whilst you weren’t heavily into your relationship with him, you were finding yourself more involved in romantic notions towards him. He was caring, playful, sensitive and incredibly good at kissing thus far. You could easily see yourself falling for him within a few months time.

It was still too early to cling on, however, and you sighed. “So when do you leave?”

“Sunday.”

“We can spend time together until then,” you announced and Joshua gauged your reaction.

“You sure? I feel like I led you on but I wasn’t exactly expecting to date whilst I was here.”

“It’s been fun and you’ve helped me open up from being so enclosed in my world. I’m going to miss this, but I know it’s too early for commitment over long distance. Just, if you ever head back this way…”

Joshua nodded, reaching out for your hand and rubbing it gently. “It’s not like we can’t keep in contact. I won’t disappear.”

And he didn’t.

Initially, you did keep in regular contact. However, with preparation for exams and Joshua’s own busy schedule, you became merely social media friends. You would see his sporadic posts and reminisce over that early autumn romance you had together and then moved on with your day after liking the post. A year passed and you even went along to the final carnival of the summer. Instead of Joshua, Ela joined you this time around, the laughter doubled and you hoped it would be her getting that special kiss from Seokmin when the night ended.

You were ready for the new school year to begin.

Arriving early for the first meeting for staff members, you frowned when you found a water bottle on the table already. You felt it and was surprised to feel how cold the water was, sitting down beside it and frowning.

Who else would get here before you?

“Oh sorry I was-”

You looked up then into a set of eyes you hadn’t seen in person in so long. Blinking slowly, you realised he was still standing there and not disappearing with your efforts. Rounding the table, without taking his eyes off of you, Joshua sat down in the chair beside yours and let out a small chuckle. “Some habits never change, huh?”

“You beating me to this room every time is a feat, you know.”

“One I take pride in.”

“What of your professionalism?”

“I have to protect it with all my might. This is my first job fresh out of school, after all.”

You nodded as your smile continued to spread. “It’s a good school to work for.”

“I know, it has a lot of opportunities for me.”

“I’m glad to hear it.”

You took in a sudden breath when you felt his warm hand reach under the table for yours. Looking in Joshua’s direction, he bashfully grinned. “Is it acceptable for me to still take this hand? You haven’t given it to anyone else, right?”

“On the first day back at work, you sure are willing to risk things.”

Joshua leaned in closer, noting the way you gripped at his hand. “Don’t worry I’ll leave the kissing until after school hours.”

_________________

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[ma-lark-ey]

*opens book* “Whelk missed—“ ah shit. here we go again. oh maybe i get answers.

“he should’ve just abducted Gansey, now that he thought about it.” WHY ARE YOU SO NONCHALLANT ABOUT THAT? BE FUCKING CHALLANT WENT DISCUSSING FELONIES HELLO???

“The Parrish kid would have been a better bet. No one would miss a kid born in a trailer.” I am going to cool you like a stir-fry and server you to my dog. Get that boy’s name out of your mouth.

OH HI NEEVE 💖💞

trusting the process trusting the process trusting the process

GANSEY !!! the king returns (he was gone six pages) (it felt like decades)

something so tender about Adam “let me do it myself” Parrish finally admitting that he cannot, in fact, do it himself and being vulnerable enough to not fight Gansey on being his support. Only because Ronan protected him, too. These three are literally inseparable I’m unwell. they’re literally besties your honour. nevermind i was too hopeful about teenage boys having emotional literacy. blue come get your man (doesnt know which man i even mean)

NO GANSEY NO GANSEY THEY LOVE YOU SO MUCH GANSEY GANSEY NO GOD I WISH TEEN BOYS HAD C O M P E T E N C E FUCK

“all of your things in one place, under your roof. everything you own where you can see…” Maggie Stiefvater you already killed me did you also have to desecrate my corpse??

it’s awful because both of their perspectives make perfect sense to me & there is no solution to appease them both. Gansey cannot offer Adam refuge without Adam feeling pitied & manipulated, Adam cannot find refuge without accepting Gansey’s help. The problem is Adam only knows to bite the hand that feeds, not how to be feed & cared for. It’s a threat to him because it’s ALWAYS been a threat to him.

NOT GANSEY REFERNCING THE LIFE EXCHANGE. STOP.

“my words are weapons of destruction and i can’t disarm them.” is so the thesis statement of this whole thing. Gansey tries so hard to ground himself & understand how real life works for average people, and he fails just as spectacularly at it. & like, Adam knows & sees that, but right now he’s not in the headspace to process that.

went back to check the tarot reading bc blue referenced it & i couldnt remember what maura said and. AND. “Your father?” “Brother, I think.” “I don’t have a brother, ma’am.” BUT HE GLANCES AT GANSEY??? literally take me out like a horse with a broken leg rn.

if anything happens to neeve i wouldn’t care in general but if BARRINGTON does something to neeve I’m causing a riot.

he put his head in her lap… she reached out a hand to him… I’m not doin well.

NO. NO. NO.

OB THATS ADAM DREAM. THATS NICE SWEETIE. he wants to go home. im gonna scream. something sometthing longing for the concept of somewhere that feel like home and not the actual building.

hey adam i know your two teenage boys allergic to emotional vulnerability but can we mayhaps have a productive conversation with gansey. Consider. communication.

hey adam? what the fuck are you doing?

frankly hilarious how quick all three of these boys just accepted having a ghost around.

ADAM PARRISH YOU ARE NOT THIS STUPID. WELL I GUESS YOU ARE.

ew not artemus. disgusting.

so wait does the forest bend to wishes???

ADAM IF YOU GET HURT I SWEAR TO GOD ADAM

“I sacrifice myself” THE SCREAM I JUST MADE.

every option for why Noah needed to make sure Blue told his mom he was sorry is awful in every way and Im not sure i want to know.

Ronan Lynch the fuck do you MEAN “you took chainsaw out of your dreams”.

Ronan go sit in time out. I need to think about Noah Czerny and sob on the ground for approximately a week.

Lark Liveblogs Literature: The Raven Boys

okay so originally i was tweeting about my escapades but then i remembered i straight up have a tumblr post series of just. doing this. so hi!

first impressions; crazy that i didn’t know there was a woman in this series considering she’s the main character. I cant decide of that’s the fandoms fault or if I built this feed brick by brick. Probably a mix of both.

also. keep misreading gansey as gamsey. thanks, andrew hussie (with contempt)

i’ll be reblogging with more thoughts as i have them for more fun.

[sunshinereversed]

𝙙𝙮𝙡𝙖𝙣’𝙨 “𝙛𝙡𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙡𝙡”: 𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙣𝙖𝙡𝙮𝙨𝙞𝙨

I think it’s eerily prophetic how the song “Flowers on the Wall” (performed by the Statler Brothers) radiates so strongly with Dylan Klebold. The country tune has already been associated with Dylan because it appears in the background of the video where he and Nate are driving to school. But if you really listen to the lyrics and reflect on Dylan’s inner struggles, they coincide strangely well.

Let’s take the very first line of the song.

I keep hearin' you're concerned about my happiness.

The constant ‘Are you okay? Are you sure you’re okay? You seem so down lately’ from his parents, especially Sue, is reflected here. His mother sees that Dylan is ‘moody and irritable,’ often withdrawn, spending time hauled up in his room. She notices the tightness of his voice, which is unlike him, and she offers to make him French toast or an omelet. This must be about something small, she thinks. Yet his sullen demeanor stays as days turn to weeks, and she must ask again in vain, ‘Are you okay?’

But all that thought you're givin' me is conscience, I guess.

It doesn’t even cross Sue’s mind that her son may be unwell. She is simply asking out of concern for him looking unhappy, believing whatever it is will solve itself out. His mother wears her heart on her sleeve, and it pains her to see him so sad. But what can she do if he refuses to talk about it? All she can do is ask and wait for it to pass. He’s a good kid, after all. He’ll do the right thing because she’s worked hard to instill her morals into what he does.

If I were walkin' in your shoes, I wouldn't worry none.

Dylan reassures her repeatedly. ‘I’m only tired. I have a lot of homework. Nothing’s wrong. No one gives me a tough time, I’m 6’4”.’ He wishes she would leave him alone. He thinks she wouldn’t understand; she wouldn’t listen. He tells his parents not to worry. ‘You can trust me,’ he tells his mother one evening after the prom. Dylan goes out of his way to prove that he is the golden child. It works, and they worry none.

While you 'n' your friends are worried about me I'm havin' lots of fun.

Dylan’s social life serves as a mask for what is going on in his mind. He goes over to his friends’ houses, bowls on Friday nights, makes videos after school, plays catch with his dad, and even watches old movies with his mother. He has pictures of good times with friends. Outwardly, he is smiling; life is a dream. This makes his parents rethink their concerns. He’s a happy kid who does normal teenage things. What is there to worry about? He’s assuring those around him that he’s fine.

Now here comes the chorus, which is a bit tricky but makes sense when you consider these things:

Countin' flowers on the wall.

If anyone is familiar with the book The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman, this might be a clue. Like the protagonist in the book, Dylan is trapped in his four-walled cell (his bedroom) which is where he does most of his thinking and spiraling downwards. This is where he writes in his journal and vents his frustrations. It’s a toxic environment for his brain. His room is where he cries himself to sleep; hugs his pillow in loneliness; gets drunk by himself. Most importantly, it’s where he blurs fantasy and reality. While not as plainly mad as the poor woman from Gilman’s novel, Dylan is mentally tortured by what he perceives to be ‘an unfair/miserable existence��� and being ‘stuck in humanity.’ He rejects both, and often retreats into his fantasy where he is with his love and away from the world. The ‘flowers on the wall’ symbolizes his own deception of life when he is alone, and might not only symbolize his bedroom, but also his brain.

That don't bother me at all.

Unlike the real world, Dylan very much prefers to live in the fictional one he’s conjured within his mind. It’s his safe place. Paradoxically, his mind is also where he tears himself down and others around him. It’s a poisonous escape. Yet he is already so far gone in that escape, he can’t see the damage he is doing to himself. And he continues to do so, unbothered, and unaware.

Playin' solitaire till dawn with a deck of fifty-one.

‘Playing solitaire’ could be a metaphor symbolizing his isolation and loneliness, his solitude. Solitaire is a single-player game, and Dylan feels alienated most of the time, especially when he is sulking in his room. Thinking, always thinking. Sometimes, as the line implies, until dawn. He is a night owl who cannot sleep because his mind is constantly awake. Playing music, conversing in chats on the computer, formulating poems in his notebooks, doodling, or just thinking (negatively). He oversleeps often because he is up late doing these things. He is alone, in the middle of the night, consumed by his own sadness. Something is missing inside him, and that is why he plays with ‘a deck of fifty-one.’ He thinks a significant other is the thing that is missing, and if he finds her, he will finally be playing with fifty-two cards, figuratively.

Smokin' cigarettes and watchin' Captain Kangaroo.

For Dylan, this is a dichotomy. An everlasting contrast. The balance between two things, lightness, and darkness, good and evil, etc. He’s doing grown-up things like holding a job, applying to colleges, driving a car, and as the lyrics say, smoking cigarettes. Marlboro, preferably. At the same time, Dylan is caught between acting his age and longing for simpler days. This is where ‘watching Captain Kangaroo’ comes in. It’s a kid’s show and is intended for such an audience. Dylan thinks back with nostalgia for his childhood, when life wasn’t full of disappointments, stress, high school bullies, responsibility. He hangs onto items that remind him of his youth: his stuffed koala, origami, classic movies, his trademark baseball cap, his love for fixing old cars with his dad. Dylan is stuck somewhere in the middle of the two, never truly satisfied with one over the other.

Now don't tell me I've nothin' to do.

Again, Dylan tells those around him that he is perfectly fine by engaging in normal teenage things. He hides how depressed he feels. Dylan becomes increasingly irritated the more people ask if he’s okay. The repetition of this line throughout the song is more like a cry for help than a reassurance.

Last night I dressed in tails, pretended I was on the town.

This could symbolize several things, but what comes to my mind is Dylan’s prom night. The fact that he even goes to prom is a pleasant surprise to his parents, confirming that there’s nothing abnormal lurking on the horizon. His father helps him get dressed in his tuxedo, struggles to figure out how the bow tie works, and he pulls his newly washed hair back into a neat ponytail. His mother thinks he looks quite handsome, comparing him to a character in a movie they are both fond of. For a moment, he is just a normal high school kid going to a dance. Nothing out of the boring ordinary.

As long as I can dream it's hard to slow this swinger down.

For one night, at the prom, Dylan pretends this is his life. He is good at blocking out what he considers evil, and Dylan allows himself to enjoy the moment. He’s had a lot of practice at ignoring his pain. If he can retreat into the fantasy he’s created in his mind, he is capable of anything, good or bad. It’s like an out-of-body experience. He’s not there when he’s there. Nothing can stop him. He has two settings at this point, 0 and 100. An unhealthy dreamer can be deadly not only to others, but to the dreamer himself.

So please don't give a thought to me, I'm really doin' fine.

As mentioned previously, Dylan flies under the radar to not be asked about his well-being. He holds out his arms to point to all these social activities he’s engaging in with his friends as if to say ‘Look what I’m doing. I’m fine. Do not worry.’ It’s a cruel deception, and he doesn’t even realize he is being deceived as much as those around him are. Dylan starts to believe what he’s telling others. He doesn’t think he is worth the worry.

You can always find me here; I'm havin' quite a time.

‘Here’ can mean one of several places: his bedroom, his mind, or perhaps his existence. Either way, ‘I’m having quite a time’ is a sarcastic remark. He’s drowning in his harmful thoughts, yet that’s where he feels the safest. It’s his protective shell that he puts up against the world. Dylan entertains the idea over and over in his mind that his love is waiting for him in another existence. No matter where he physically is, he’s ‘always there’, lost in his thoughts.

The chorus repeats. Dylan outwardly seems okay. Left to his own devices, he is not.

It's good to see you, I must go, I know I look a fright.

This is a goodbye. Even though it is a casual farewell, it has deeply painful undertones. He says he didn’t like life too much but hopes he will find peace in the next one. He offers a final goodbye to those he loved, family and friends. ‘It’s good to see you’ displays how detached he feels toward the end. These are no longer people he knows fondly; it was simply good to see them. The thoughts must end, and he must leave before they worsen. Like the lyrics suggest, he doesn’t want to stick around and knows he must go. A big part of his self-esteem had to do with his self-image. The line ‘I know I look a fright’ symbolizes how negatively he thought of his own appearance. Dylan couldn’t see his own attractiveness. He felt awkward due to his height, long facial features, shaggy hair, and the way he dressed.

Anyway, my eyes are not accustomed to this light.

This is the trademark dark sunglasses that Dylan wears almost everywhere. He hides behind them, shielding his tears from the world. The light comes from the sun, and he cannot withstand the same light that others can, a nod to him feeling isolated from humanity. Though he is called the ‘sunshine boy,’ his eyes are not meant for its light. So, he dawns the shades to (metaphorically) keep it out.

And my shoes are not accustomed to this hard concrete.

Unlike the sneakers worn by the jocks at his high school, Dylan sports black combat boots. They are unusual among the other students, but Dylan feels comfortable in them. Again, he separates himself from the rest of humanity. He is not meant for it. He knows he must go somewhere he feels free.

So I must go back to my room and make my day complete.

By the end of the song, it becomes clear that Dylan now lives inside the world he’s created in his mind. It almost becomes odd for him not to retreat there at least once a day if not all the time. But like the final lyrics, he goes to stay there forever and never to return.

The final repetition of the chorus only emphasizes the truth. He was not ‘doing fine’, despite all the work of convincing others the opposite.

The last line loops again before the song ends. The upbeat and happy tune only makes the message more haunting.

Don't tell me I've nothin' to do.

And no one did.

[juminsmysticmc]

Okey, how about something actual. How would RFA + Minor Trio react if they and MC were separated, like had quarantine in different cities. How would they behave alone? How often would they call her? Would they be worried about her health? I love your writing. Stay awsome and healthy!

RFA + Minor Trio being in quarantine in different cities 

Tbh I was just about to delete your requests, lolol I HAD THE SAME IDEA AND HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH WE ARE SOULMATES! Enjoy and stay healthy you all! To be honest I am enjoying my Quarantine time    ( my co worker has Corona and I worked with her so she may has infected me) but it’s serious, we need to stay healthy, take a lot of vitamins and stay at home! If you don’t want to stay at home do it for the elderly! STAY AT HOME!

PS.: My test was negative 

Jumin

You sobbed into the camera as you saw Jumin smiling sadly at you.

,,Can’t come back?’’ you asked him.

He shook his head.

If he had known this, he would have never gone to Italy for the business trip.

Jumin Han was just glad that he didn’t take you along.

,,Stay at home, Mc. I will try my best to come to you soon,’’ he promised and then cut the call since it was pretty late for you.

Days went by and Jumin noticed that he was a big man with a lot of influence, but outside of Korea he was no one.

And so, Jumin had to stay in Italy for the next time.

He chatted with you daily, tried to see your face as often as possible, and made sure that you would stay healthy.

But then he noticed how bad the situation was in Italy.

,,Jumin, since you’re there, maybe you could support them, without going out please!’’ you begged him.

And indeed, Jumin tried to change something in Italy; supporting them with masks and hygienical products.

Jumin Han also gave people in need a lot of money, gained their trust and helped them to go on with the situation.

A new project began and ended successfully.

,,Don’t tell my wife that I’m back,’’ he then said after he finally returned.

He couldn’t wait to hug you and see you again. However, he first wanted to stay in quarantine on his own, getting tested and staying away from you to make sure that you wouldn’t be at risk because of him.

And the happiness of seeing you was much bigger afterwards.

Zen

,,I can’t come back, Zen,’’ you sighed into the phone as Korea announced that no one was allowed to go out.

Just a week before this all began you went to visit your parents to make sure that they had enough water and food so that they wouldn’t need to step out.

Now neither them or you were allowed to step out and you couldn’t stay with Zen.

,,Stay healthy, wash your hands and don’t go out,’’ you told him and brushed your hair.

,,Princess, I would have loved to do Netflix and chill with you every evening,’’ he whispered into the phone, making you blush in a dark red.

,,Oh Zenny, stop!’’ you giggled and sat back, imagining what you guys could have done.

You knew that the time without Zen would be hard, especially because he needed you.

Not just to have a balanced lifestyle and meals, but also because you were his better half and his manager.

You tried to help him to work as best you could from afar.

,,Thank you, Jagiya,’’ Zen whispered before he  imitated a kiss and fell asleep, your call still ongoing as both of you soundly breathed next to each other.

Yoosung

,,I love you, I miss you… don’t worry,“ Yoosung tried to calm you down as you kept sobbing into the phone.

You were alone at home. You were unsure because of the virus and scared that Yoosung could get sick.

The timing was simply bad and now he was in quarantine with his parents and you were on your own.

,,I read that a cat died too!“ you told him, hugging Lisa tighter as you told him your fear.

What if the cat died on you?

What if he was feeling unwell at his parents home?

,,It’s okay, Mc,“ he repeated and finally managed to calm you down.

The both of you kept chatting over the phone until, one day, it was his turn to panic.

,,Why are you coughing? Mc, did you already call the doctor? Are you okay? Did you leave?“ Yoosung whined.

,,I‘m okay, I don’t know why I got sick. Jumin made sure to help us all out,“ you whispered into the phone.

Yoosung felt guilty that he couldn’t stay at your side, but he also knew that you were strong and he promised himself to hug you tightly as soon as he could come back.

Jaehee

,,I want to come home, Jaehee…!“ you cried into the phone.

Jaehee was crying too from the other end of the line.

Tears fell on the table as she looked at her and your empty coffee shop.

The measures they had to do were hard.

For the whole world.

And you, you were in italy and her, Jaehee could do nothing to help you.

,,Children are dying here. Even teenagers who have their whole life in front of them.

Hospitals are full with deceased, mothers, fathers, oh my God…“ you told her.

Coughing harder as you kept sobbing.

Jaehee knew you.

She was married to you.

Every single habit was a sign for you.

You weren’t just scared, you were also sick.

That’s why you were actually nervous.

,,Please stay calm. I will find a way to take you back, Mc,“ your wife promised you and a few days later she really managed to make the nation bring you home.

Luckily, you just had a cold and not the coronavirus.

Saeyoung

,,Mc, you have been sick for almost three weeks,“ Saeyoung sighed as he was with you over the phone.

You heavily breathed as you listened to him.

He was worried about you.

He thought that his heart was about to burst as he thought about you.

You were at your parents house and now you were unable to leave.

You couldn’t go out.

Policemen were walking up and down the street.

You couldn’t leave with the car either.

Every single street was being looked through too.

You could neither leave or get looked at.

,,I don’t get it. I DON‘T GET IT!“ he yelled as you kept coughing.

,,I was neither with a person who had the virus or at a place where the virus was. That’s why,“ you tiredly told him.

,,I can’t anymore. I’ll go to sleep, okay Saeyoung?“ you asked him and then cut the call, not even giving him the chance to tell you good night.

It didn’t take Saeyoung long until he hacked into the government‘s system and submitted you for a test.

Indeed, you were called days afterwards and luckily tested negative for COVID-19.

Saeran

,,Don’t leave the house, yeah? I will pay a service to bring you the groceries at home,“ you told him.

You were biting your nails as you thought about your white haired boyfriend.

With his beautiful eyes, soft hands, and the voice you missed so much.

,,I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gone with my friends to Swiss,“ you mumbled as you shook your head.

You just wanted to ski once.

And once you could realize your dream, a world wide disaster happened.

,,Just two weeks, Mc,“ Saeran chuckled.

But he was worried.

But not because of himself, but because you could have fallen sick.

,,Yeah, and then I need to get tested to make sure that I‘m not sick. I‘m scared that I could have it and give it to you,“ you confessed, playing with your nails.

,,Don’t worry,“ he said.

,,I‘m immune against you,“ he teased you, making you less nervous.

Jihyun

,,Hello, Daddy!“ Lucy happily waved into the camera as you were FaceTiming with Jihyun.

,,Hello, Lucy! Did you already finish your homework?“ Jihyun asked her, knowing that she didn’t do her homework.

,,I will finish it now and then come back, Daddy! I miss you!“ Lucy happily giggled as she sent him a kiss and disappeared into her room.

,,She still didn’t get it, did she?“ he asked you and saw you shaking your head.

,,Thank god she understands it when I say no.

But she still wants to go out with friends or play outside.

Schools are closed and they think that they have corona vacation,“ you told him.

,,Are you okay?“ you asked him.

He sadly smiled at you.

,,I am, but the people here in China aren’t.

The exhibition was called off and now we’re trapped here.

But I heard people saying that the government will pick us up….“ he told you.

You nodded and observed him.

,,Did you take the masks with you?“ you asked him.

Jihyun smiled.

,,Of course. You put them next to the table last week,“ he smiled and looked at you.

He wished he could be there with you, but for now the only possibility to see you was like that.

But it was okay as long as you guys stayed healthy.

Vanderwood

,,Don’t be scared,“ he told you.

However, these words were more to make him feel better instead of you.

,,Without you, robbers have the chance to break in,“ you mumbled sadly over the phone.

,,Oh, I hate it. Without you, I hear all possible noises,“ you told him.

He was so nervous.

,,No one will come in. Everyone is staying inside. The police are controlling the streets,“ he once again said.

His heart was beating so strongly.

At least you weren’t in danger because of the coronavirus.

,,Do you have your spray?“ he suddenly asked you.

You looked at him.

You had asthma. It was just natural that Vanderwood was worried for you.

You nodded, but quickly tried to change the topic and asked him about his mission.

A fatal mistake.

,,These assholes. The mission failed and now I‘m trapped in the middle of nowhere because the police may find me,“ Vanderwood hissed.

You smiled. You missed your boyfriend so much.

Both of you talked for the next hour until you both fell asleep and woke up together.

MASTERLIST 1

MASTERLIST 2

MASTERLIST 3

04.04.2020// 00:35 MEST

[southeastasianists]

It had been two days since Hafiz last heard from Iani.

He knew that Iani’s parents had a history of abusing them [Note 1], and was worried for their safety. He’d tried everything — text messages, WhatsApp messages, voice calls — but received no response from Iani. It was as if they’d suddenly upped and left. Now his last resort was to make an unannounced visit to Iani’s house to make sure they’re safe.

Hafiz had a plan in mind. He would bring food to Iani’s house and pretend that they’d made dinner plans. It was something they did often, so he thought that that would make for a believable cover. At the back of his mind, however, Hafiz knew that this cover would be blown if something bad had really happened. Yet a half-baked plan was better than none at all.

Hafiz knocked on Iani’s house door and waited for someone to answer it. He heard some voices behind the door, but before he could make out what they were saying, the door cracked open. Iani’s mother greeted him with a strained smile, and Hafiz could see Iani’s father peering at him behind her. Hafiz knew that something’s not right.

“Hello aunty, uncle! I bought dinner for Iani, are they at home?” Hafiz said.

“No, but come in first,” Iani’s mother said, and ushered him into the living room. Iani’s father opened a Qur’an and started reciting a few lines of scripture to Hafiz. Once he was done, he passed the Qur’an to Hafiz and asked him to recite the same verses. It was an odd request, but Hafiz obliged; he knew why they were making him do that. After the ritual was completed, Iani’s parents told Hafiz that Iani had been admitted to the Institute of Mental Health (IMH) for emergency treatment of a psychotic breakdown. What they left out was that Iani’s breakdown was caused by “conversion therapy” sessions they forced upon Iani.

Hafiz rushed down to the hospital immediately. After two days of radio silence, he finally saw Iani again. But his feeling of relief was soon washed over by a commotion that erupted from Iani’s family members — they weren’t expecting any visitors. Iani winced at the noise and pulled Hafiz aside.

“Help me,” they whispered to him. “Break me out of here.”

Iani had been close with their parents since they were young. But things turned quickly and unexpectedly when Iani was 16. They were accidentally outed as lesbian [Note 2] to their parents, and before they knew it, the elders in Iani’s extended family started getting involved in organising “conversion therapy” sessions.

Iani’s grandmother and uncle came over to their house one day. It was clear right away that this wasn’t just a normal social visit; Iani only saw their uncle at larger family gatherings and celebrations. Their uncle is an Ustaz — a male Islamic religious teacher — and he made Iani sit in the corner of the living room. He then began calling out to an “evil spirit” in the room, and asked it to speak with the group.

It was a confusing experience for Iani, because while he made it look as if he were speaking with an “evil spirit”, it soon became clear that he was speaking directly to Iani. He asked a range of questions, and most of them were phrased to get the answers that he wanted to hear.

“Are you sad often?” he asked.

“Yes,” Iani, who had a medical history of anxiety and depression, answered.

“Do you feel like your parents don’t understand you?” he followed up.

“Yes,” Iani, whose parents wanted to put them through “conversion therapy”, replied.

The questioning went on for a while, but he never asked Iani (or the “evil spirit”, for that matter) anything about being lesbian. Instead, the questions were generic enough — as if by intention — that most teenagers at Iani’s age would answer the exact same way.

At the end of the session, he declared that Iani was possessed by a jinn — an evil spirit in Islamic mythology. The jinn, he explained to Iani’s parents, was responsible for influencing Iani’s sexuality and needed to be expelled from their body for them to become “normal”.

The session was mentally exhausting for Iani, because they had to suppress a multitude of emotions. First was anger: they felt that their uncle’s mixing of his superstitious beliefs with Islam was insulting to the religion. Then disbelief: Iani didn’t expect their father, who was well-educated, to be so easily swayed by his claims. Finally, betrayal: Iani had just witnessed first-hand how quickly their entire family turned on them.

But the benignity of the first session made Iani let their guard down. In a way, nothing could have prepared them for what’s about to come.

Around a week later, Iani’s uncle returned to perform ruqyah (an exorcism) on Iani. He made Iani memorise and recite verses from the Qur’an, and whenever the recital wasn’t to his liking — whether it’s done too loudly, too softly, or “not smoothly enough” — he would whip Iani with a rattan cane. Iani’s parents draped a heavy blanket over Iani’s body before letting their uncle beat them; they were careful to ensure that he wouldn’t leave visible bruises.

Iani’s uncle also made them perform sujud — a low bow, where one gets on their knees and has their head touch the ground. He then held a lighter to each of Iani’s feet as he recited Qur’anic verses to “cast the jinn away”. Iani screamed in pain from the searing heat of the fire, but their parents only saw that as a sign that the exorcism was working. At the end of the ruqyah, Iani’s sexuality remained unchanged, but their trust in their family shattered completely.

It soon became clear to Iani that the ruqyahs that their parents arranged were meticulously planned to ensure that the perpetrators could get away without consequences. When Iani suffered from a mental breakdown, their parents decided to call in an Ustaz for a ruqyah instead of seeking medical help. The Ustaz came over and restrained Iani while he performed his ritual. But when Iani’s father saw the bruises on Iani’s wrists, he immediately scolded the Ustaz.

“Jangan eh! Nanti orang report police! (Don’t do that, what if they report this to the police!)” Iani’s father shouted.

At the end of the session, the Ustaz told Iani’s parents that the jinn possessing Iani was there to destroy their family. This was a test of the strength of their family’s Islamic faith, the Ustaz said. He added that Iani really wasn’t lesbian, but only became so because of the evil influence of the jinn. This line of reasoning — a repetition of what Iani’s uncle previously mentioned — reinforced the idea that LGBTQ+ identities are inherently “unnatural” and can be changed. The Ustaz went on to instruct Iani’s parents to read the Qur’an together every night, and pray together as a family at least once a day in order to drive the jinn away.

Iani’s parents took his advice to heart and began intensifying their “conversion therapy” practices. Every day, Iani’s mother would force them to listen to syarahan (religious sermons) that focused on the “right” ways women should act, and how they should go about finding “good” husbands. Every evening since the visit from the Ustaz, the azan (Islamic call to prayer) at home would blast louder than before.

Iani’s mother also started performing her own exorcisms on Iani: she would put a metal bowl over an open flame, and claim that doing so would hurt the jinn. The metal bowl in itself had no effect on Iani, but over time, it started triggering memories of previous ruqyahs, and would cause anxiety attacks to set in. It appears that Iani’s mother never realised that she was psychologically torturing her already mentally unwell child. Instead, she earnestly engaged in anxiety-triggering activities, thinking that her rituals were working, and that they were somehow helping her child “get better”.

Soon after, Iani’s father made them watch a documentary about the story of Lut [Note 3]. The story of Lut is often quoted by Muslims to demonstrate God’s disapproval of homosexuality. At the end of the documentary, Iani’s father told them that being gay is wrong. This was the first time he made his stance so explicit. Iani was enraged, and argued that Allah also warned against rape in the story of Lut.

“Rape is everywhere, but being gay isn’t,” Iani’s father responded. “That’s why being gay will always be the biggest sin.”

As a survivor of childhood sexual assault, Iani felt like a knife was plunged into their chest. Iani’s father knew about their childhood trauma and how much it affected their mental health. Yet it seemed like he still believed that sexually violating someone else was more acceptable than being gay.

Iani’s existing mental issues, coupled with their parents’ relentless “conversion therapy” practices, meant that they spent considerable time with therapists at IMH. And even though Iani had been vocal about their parents’ abusive behaviours — even telling their therapists that their parents should be the ones receiving treatment — no serious action was taken against their parents. The responses Iani heard back were often along the lines of: “They only act like that because they’re muslims”; “They’re doing this for your own good”; “Some parents are like that”.

Even when a therapist was willing to talk to Iani’s parents about their “conversion therapy” practices, they would find themselves powerless in countering their beliefs.

“I’ve told your parents about sexuality and how it can’t be changed,” the therapist told Iani. “They know that what they’re doing is wrong.”

“So why won’t they stop?” Iani asked. “Why do they keep doing it?”

“They told me that they’re not stopping because they want to be better muslims.”

Iani is much older now, and no longer lives with their parents. They never reconciled with each other, and their relationship remains strained. Though it’s been many years since their last “conversion therapy” encounter, Iani hasn’t fully recovered from the trauma. Listening to azans could trigger anxiety attacks. Hearing someone say “Allah” would bring back memories of being beaten up by their uncle.

The concept of a jinn causing homosexuality might sound unique to Islam, but its main tenets are very similar to other “conversion therapy” beliefs. For one, a core idea behind the jinn’s possession is that people aren’t naturally LGBTQ+, but are influenced by external forces to be so. On top of that, the exorcism of the jinn is just another way of asserting that people’s sexualities can be changed. In those regards, “conversion therapy” practices across religions [Note 4] are more similar than they are different.

It’s important for us to understand that there is medical consensus that “conversion therapy” practices don’t work, and can cause long-term harm on participants (page 115). As we can see from Iani’s story, “conversion therapy” can lead to trauma that deeply affects the mental health of participants.

Many countries have taken action to protect people from the harms of “conversion therapy”. Taiwan has fully banned “conversion therapy” practices, while Germany has done so for minors. Other countries such as Canada, Israel, New Zealand, and the UK are considering legislation that would make them illegal.

Yet “conversion therapy” remains legal in Singapore. Many other teenagers like Iani may continue to be subjected to abusive ruqyahs and face long-term psychological damage. On top of that, Singapore’s domestic abuse laws allow parents to punish their child, so long as it’s done to “correct” the child’s behaviour (s64). This legal loophole means that many parents may be able to continue enlisting the help of Ustazs for “conversion therapy” with no consequence.

[ibijau]

Burn it down AU // on AO3 // extras on AO3

Conversations are had and overheard.

By late afternoon, Lan Wangji figured that enough time had been granted to Nie Huaisang and it was time to get A-Yuan back. When Wei Wuxian and him entered the Hanshi again, they found their son playing Go with Nie Huaisang while Lan Xichen sat near them with a pile of letters he was reading. They made a sweet scene together and though A-Yuan was deep in thought over the game when they came in, he broke into a large smile when he saw them, far happier than he had been that morning or the night before.

“Father, Nie-ge is back!” he exclaimed. “Can he and uncle Xichen have dinner with us?”

The question took Lan Wangji by surprise, and judging by how wide his eyes got, Nie Huaisang had not expected it either. It would be a little awkward, and Lan Wangji was not sure yet that he was prepared to spend time again with his husband outside of what they were working on, but…

“It could be fun,” Wei Wuxian intervened, grinning at the idea. “Didn’t A-Yuan say last time that it’s the rule for Nie-xiong to eat with his family?”

A-Yuan nodded eagerly. With these two against him, Lan Wangji could only give in, for which Nie Huaisang gave him a knowing look.

“I’m afraid I will have to pass on that offer,” Lan Xichen announced, appearing quite amused as well. “I have a lot I need to discuss with Uncle after dinner, or else I would have gladly accepted your invitation, A-Yuan.”

That answer disappointed the child a little, but although he had been trying to be polite in including him, it was not Lan Xichen who he had been most excited to have around for the evening.

They ended up having a pleasant dinner, all three of them. A-Yuan couldn’t stop smiling, which got him quite a bit of teasing from Wei Wuxian. So much teasing, in fact, that the little boy also ended up dropping the rule of silence a few times to defend himself. While he was distracted so, Nie Huaisang took his chance to transfer some vegetables he disliked to A-Yuan’s bowl, knowing their son liked those better than he did. He then faked innocence when A-Yuan turned his attention back to his food, while Wei Wuxian smirked at the trick. 

Normally Lan Wangji would have put an end to that and reminded everyone that they ought to be silent and calm during meals, but he knew Wei Wuxian had never figured out how to do either things so it was pointless. Besides, it was not just A-Yuan being happy to have Nie Huaisang back, he realised. He had missed him as well, no matter how he otherwise felt about his husband.

"Nie-ge, do you think you might get unwell again?" A-Yuan suddenly asked in a voice too serious for his age. 

Nie Huaisang’s eyes darted toward Lan Wangji before he made himself smile. He leaned toward A-Yuan and squeezed his cheek with an awkward chuckle.

"Well that's a funny question to ask! I didn't plan to get unwell the first time! And I didn't think it would get so bad, or I would have asked your father to explain. If it happens again, now I'll know better and not try to hide from you, right? But don't worry. Nie-ge is doing his best to stay well now."

"Then you must eat all your vegetables," A-Yuan ordered. "The teachers say we mustn't be picky because balance is important for the health." 

Having said this, A-Yuan carefully grabbed some of the food that Nie Huaisang had transferred from his bowl to his son's, and put it back where it belonged. Nie Huaisang looked so betrayed that Wei Wuxian started cackling, which brought A-Yuan's attention to him. 

"Where will Mo gongzi sleep now that Nie-ge is back? I can share my bed, but there won't be a lot of space, and Mo gongzi kicks so much." 

For a second, all three adults froze. It was true that Wei Wuxian was never resteful even in sleep, Lan Wangji had discovered it during the Sunshot Campaign as they all moved from place to place. But A-Yuan had no way of knowing this because for the few nights he'd spent in the Jingshi since his return, Wei Wuxian had slept in Nie Huaisang’s bed. 

If A-Yuan was starting to remember… 

"I'm going to let Mo gongzi have my bed a little longer," Nei Huaisang announced. "I'll go back to my inn tonight, and then for the rest of my stay I'll see if uncle Xichen can have a guest room prepared for me." 

"But this is your house," A-Yuan remarked. "Shouldn't Mo gongzi be the one in a guest room?" 

"Sure, but do you trust him to behave on his own?" 

A-Yuan quickly shook his head with a slight pout. Then, just as quickly, he realised that was a rather rude reaction and he gave Wei Wuxian a quick bow over the table. 

"Apologies, Mo gongzi. But you are a little silly sometimes, and so it's better if Father is here to help you understand the rules. He's a very good teacher." 

That only served to send Wei Wuxian laughing, perhaps because he remembered how little success Lan Wangji had had in getting him to obey any rules back when he was a student. 

--

In the days that followed, a routine of sorts fell into place. Every morning, Lan Wangji would wake A-Yuan for his classes, sometimes joined by Wei Wuxian who tried to keep them company over breakfast, then returned to sleep the instant they left. Lan Wangji would then work for a few hours while Wei Wuxian finished his night. He usually woke up again in time for lunch, before they spent the afternoon together while waiting to get A-Yuan back from Nie Huaisang and Lan Xichen. 

Sometimes they stayed in the Jingshi while Wei Wuxian chatted about some subject or other and Lan Wangji dutifully listened, giving his opinion here and there. Other times Lan Wangji would practice swordsmanship while Wei Wuxian watched with an intense expression, something that could have been either envy or admiration. He always refused when Lan Wangji invited him to join, pretexting the weakness of his new body. An odd excuse, especially when Lan Wangji made it clear he would be more than happy to help him work on that, but in the end he had to respect Wei Wuxian’s choices.

Mostly though, they spent those afternoons walking around the Cloud Recesses, or on occasions going to Gusu for a few hours. It was nice to simply spend time together, and Lan Wangji still felt a little awed that Wei Wuxian actually sought out his company. After all, he had been given a jade token, and Lan Wangji had made it clear that he trusted him to do as he pleased during the day, as long as he obeyed the curfew and tried to be there for dinner. And yet, consistently, day after day, Wei Wuxian chose to spend time with him. It made Lan Wangji regret the years wasted because he had been too clumsy as a teenager to accept the offers of friendship Wei Wuxian had made back then. They could have been like this all along, if only he’d dared.

Around the two weeks mark of their return to the Cloud Recesses, Wei Wuxian expressed a wish to go see some wild rabbits that A-Yuan and Lan Jingyi had apparently spotted, not too far into the woods that surrounded the Cloud Recesses. The children suspected that those rabbits, which were not quite as scared of humans as other wild ones, might actually be some that had once escaped from Lan Wangji’s pen. Wei Wuxian initially wanted to see if they could be captured and returned to safety. Yet when they found the rabbits they seemed in very good health and even had a few kits, so they both agreed it would be unkind to force them back into the pen, and would probably just traumatise them. 

Although they had accomplished nothing that day, it still felt like time well spent, and as they walked back toward the path, Wei Wuxian started wondering what he could do to make the other rabbits happier in their current space. Lan Wangji was listening, ready to follow him in any idea he had as long as it was not overly impractical, when Wei Wuxian suddenly grabbed him by the wrist to stop him.

“Isn’t that Nie-xiong and Zewu-Jun?” he asked, pointing at the path down the forest’s slope. “I thought they had sect business to take care of today?”

“Hm,” Lan Wangji agreed, nodding.

His brother had come by in the morning to warn that Nie Huaisang and him needed to deal with something important that day, and that he could not say for sure if they would be able to have their usual time with A-Yuan. Just like Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji had assumed that meant formal business to handle, but seeing the two of them walking so close to each other, in this normally deserted part of the mountain…

“Well, let’s go say hi,” Wei Wuxian decided, going down toward the path a little faster. 

Lan Wangji nearly had to run to stop him. Wei Wuxian threw him a puzzled look when Lan Wangji grabbed his arm and made a gesture ordering him to be silent. If this was what Lan Wangji hoped was going on, he could not let it be ruined.

"I wasn't expecting that," they heard Nie Huaisang say in a weak voice as the two came closer. "I thought… I thought you just regretted it. I assumed it had been the spur of the moment, the stress of the war." 

"It also was," Lan Xichen replied with joyless laughter. "I would have tried asking uncle to let me court you, sooner or later, this just forced me to act faster than planned. Not that his answer would have been different, I suspect." 

Nie Huaisang nodded and stopped in his tracks, close enough now that Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian could easily see his expression, even from where they hid behind trees and bushes. He tilted his head, tapping his fan lightly against his lips. 

"You should have told me," he accused, though without much heat.

"I should have," Lan Xichen agreed. "I wanted to. But uncle told me that if I kept myself away from you, my feelings would go away quickly. I assumed the same would work for you. I trusted uncle to know what was best. By the time I realised it would not be so easy for me, you had never sought me out so I assumed…" 

Nie Huaisang sighed and fanned himself. 

"A nice pair of fools we make, each waiting for the other to make the next move! And I guess I'm the biggest fool since I even married your brother to be close to you.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you about this for a while,” Lan Xichen confessed. “Wangji understood too much and confronted me about hurting you. But with everything else going on, the time never felt right. You had so many worries, I did not want to add more weight to your shoulders. But after this business with Mo Xuanyu, I promised myself that I would help you get better, and tell you the truth once you were well enough.”

He sighed, and turned so only his back was visible. “After this, I’ll understand if you resent me for the pain I caused you. I will continue helping you deal with the situation at hand, but if after we have brought justice to Da-ge you decide you no longer want anything to do with me, I will not force my friendship where it is unwanted.”

“And if I still want your friendship?” Nie Huaisang asked, stilling his fan and hiding behind it.

Lan Xichen turned again to face him, and smiled. “Then you will have it of course.”

Nie Huisang nodded, and drew his fan closer to his face so only his eyes would show. “And what if friendship isn’t all I want from you?”

At this, Wei Wuxian gasped, though thankfully he was not heard by the other two. Just in case, Lan Wangji used the silencing spell on him. Lan Xichen and Nie Huaisang had already shown quite well they were capable of ruining their own lives, they didn’t need the intervention of Wei Wuxian to make it worse.

“Huaisang, you can’t mean that,” Lan Xichen said softly, looking away. “In our positions…”

“Your uncle really trained you too well,” Nie Huaisang pouted, quickly closing his fan so he could tap Lan Xichen’s shoulder with it. “Learn a little selfishness, Xichen-gege.”

“I fear it’s too late for that.”

“Nonsense. I’d gladly teach you,” Nie Huaisang offered, holding out his hand.

Lan Xichen stared at the other man with an awed expression.

“Really? After everything?”

“Hm. I’m a Nie, we don’t know how to give up,” Nie Huaisang pointed out with a smirk. “Give us a chance, Xichen.”

With only a moment of hesitation, Lan Xichen took the offered hand, looking down at their joined fingers before turning his gaze to Nie Huaisang’s face, both of them radiant.

“Won’t you kiss me as well, Er-ge?” Nie Huaisang quickly demanded with a pout. “You’ve made me wait this long, I think I deserve a kiss.”

Although he had been the one teasing, Nie Huaisang cried out in surprise when Lan Xichen pulled on the hand he was holding to bring him closer so he could lean forward and…

Lan Wangji had to look away. Already he shouldn’t have been spying, but to pry into the tentative intimacy of these two men simply felt wrong. Next to him though, Wei Wuxian was becoming so agitated that Lan Wangji feared he would harm himself by trying too hard to speak. He made a gesture asking for silence, and lifted the spell.

“How dare they!” Wei Wuxian immediately hissed, as incapable of quiet as ever.

Realising that they would surely get noticed or witness something that didn’t concern them if they stayed any longer, Lan Wangji grabbed Wei Wuxian’s wrist and pulled him back into the woods before he tried to rush ahead and ruin what was happening. 

“Lan Zhan, let me go, I’ll beat them up for you!”

“No need,” Lan Wangji replied, forcing Wei Wuxian away from the scene. After waiting so long, these two deserved some privacy. 

“Your husband is cheating on you!” Wei Wuxian protested as he was dragged away. “With your brother! It’s hard enough to accept it of Nie-xiong, but from Zewu-Jun… shouldn’t you stop them?”

“No need.”

After watching them dance around one another, Lan Wangji was glad that his brother had finally given in to a little selfishness. And however uncertain he still was about Nie Huaisang over what had happened to Mo Xuanyu, his husband had suffered no less than him over a love deemed impossible, so he was glad that at least one of them was finally getting what he wanted.

Lan Wangji tried to ignore the gnawing coldness in his chest, the envy and resentment that it couldn’t be him getting that happiness. He was lucky to have Wei Wuxian back at all. He was lucky for this second chance to stand by his side and be the friend Wei Wuxian deserved.

“How can it not matter?” Wei Wuxian huffed. “Your cultivation partner is…”

“We are not cultivation partners.”

Wei Wuxian tensed and stopped abruptly. Lan Wangji, still pulling on his wrist, noticed a second too late and nearly made him fall face first on the ground.

“You’re married,” Wei Wuxian said with a frown. “I’ve seen the two of you together, aside from the problem of me, you seem to get along fine, so why… it doesn’t make sense!”

“Alliances. It was a convenience match. We understood we both loved other people.”

Wei Wuxian’s frown deepened.

“Lan Zhan, who is it that you love in that case?” Wei Wuxian asked, confused. “Do I know them? Are you going to get with them too, now that Nie-xiong’s situation is solved?”

Something froze between Lan Wangji’s ribs, making it hard to breathe. He could only blink numbly.

Did Wei Wuxian really believe him so fickle that he would have fallen for someone else? His uncle, sometimes his brother even, told him that in time he would get over that impossible love, that perhaps he would find someone else. In fact, Lan Xichen had fully admitted that it had been his plan in getting him married to Nie Huaisang. But there was only Wei Wuxian for him. Certainly he’d noticed other attractive people here and there, both before and after, but no one had ever made his soul come to life the way Wei Wuxian did every time they were close.

“Impossible.”

“Why? Is there anyone in this world who wouldn’t be delighted to have the attention of the great Hanguang-Jun?” Wei Wuxian teased, more cruelly than Lan Wangji would have expected of him. “I can give you tips on flirting if you like. It’d be fun to help you, I bet. Come on Lan Zhan, just tell me who it is and when this whole situation is settled, I’ll help you seduce them!”

“Ridiculous,” Lan Wangji huffed, turning away and striding toward the Jingshi.

“Lan Zhan, I swear I can help!”

Lan Wangji refused to answer, and after some more teasing and joking, he simply silenced Wei Wuxian again until he promised through gestures to drop the matter. They were both quiet as they made their way back to the Cloud Recesses through the woods. By the time they went to get A-Yuan from the Hanshi for dinner they were both back to normal, but Wei Wuxian’s mood soured somewhat when he saw how happy Nie Huaisang and Lan Xichen looked while playing with the little boy, the way they wouldn’t stop staring at each other.

It did not come as a surprise when Nie Huaisang told A-Yuan that exceptionally, he would not be having dinner with them that night because Lan Xichen and him had important things to take care of. A-Yuan was a little disappointed, and made his uncle promise to make sure that Nie Huaisang didn’t skip his meal and to take good care of him, which Lan Xichen swore with great solemnity.

--

Things, after this, changed a little. Every other day, Nie Huaisang would have dinner in the Hanshi rather than the Jingshi, and even when he did dine with them, he developed a tendency to retire for the night a little earlier than he used to. He probably thought he was very subtle about it, too, but even A-Yuan noticed and wondered aloud why Nie Huaisang seemed to need more sleep lately. Wei Wuxian, however upset he still was at this development, had laughed so hard that he nearly choked.

Aside from this, though, not much was different. Lan Wangji’s days still happened in the same way they had since returning to the Cloud Recesses. It felt to him as if his life had reached the greatest peace and happiness he could hope to achieve. He had his son, he had Wei Wuxian, he had Nie Huaisang, his brother was happy… if not for the restless body he still needed to calm every few days, and Xue Yang hidden and locked in a cell, Lan Wangji would have been perfectly content. All he could hope was that, after they had brought justice to Nie Mingjue, life could go on like this. Certainly Nie Huaisang would need to return to Qinghe to handle his own sect, and Wei Wuxian would grow too restless to stay in place sooner or later, but hopefully they would still be able to all come together this way again.

There was only one incident that briefly broke through his peace of mind, and even that was so minor that he soon half forgot it.

One afternoon, Lan Wangji had to give up on Wei Wuxian’s company, because his brother had requested his presence at a council. It was a boring affair, as these things tended to be, and Lan Wangji was glad when it was finally over. He gladly made his way back to the Jingshi, but when he arrived there he found the door badly closed and heard two voices coming from inside. One, of course, was Wei Wuxian’s, but it surprised him a little to find that the other was Nie Huaisang’s. Although these two did not get along badly, there had still been a certain tension between them since Wei Wuxian had been brought back, one that was only exacerbated when Nie Huaisang started what was, strictly speaking, an affair with his own brother-in-law. Considering the rumours that had once existed about Wei Wuxian being the natural son of Jiang Fengmian, it was perhaps not surprising that the topic was somewhat sensitive to him.

But that was not what they were talking about that day, thankfully. Instead, Nie Huaisang appeared to be in a mood to give advice.

“Just pay attention and you’ll see it,” Lan Wangji heard him say. “You’re clever enough to figure it out, and he’s not exactly subtle about it. He’s the sort that’ll give anything he’s asked. It’s quite funny to see, actually.”

“Nie-xiong is too easily amused these days,” Wei Wuxian retorted.

In answer, Nie Huaisang started laughing. Unwilling to spy on them when he had already done too much of that lately, Lan Wangji came inside the house. Immediately the conversation stopped. Nie Huaisang smirked when he saw him, then quickly excused himself by saying he needed to go grab Lan Xichen so they could pick up A-Yuan from his classes. Before Lan Wangji could say a word, Nie Huaisang had disappeared, while Wei Wuxian appeared deep in thoughts. It was always a concerning state for him to be in, though this time he quickly got over it and started loudly complaining that he was tired of Gusu Lan food.

It was a clear ploy to avoid having to talk about his conversation with Nie Huaisang, and Lan Wangji chose to respect that and not ask any questions. He even went further and offered to see if the kitchens might have spices of some sort to spare so that Wei Wuxian could have a meal more of his taste.

“That’d be nice,” Wei Wuxian agreed. “Although, I miss meat as well.”

“We go to Gusu tomorrow, have lunch there,” Lan Wangji offered.

For some reason, that simple offer (they had done this before) seemed to shock Wei Wuxian who stared at Lan Wangji as if he’d never seen him before. For a second, it looked as though Wei Wuxian wanted to say something, but in the end he changed his mind and just laughed.

“Ah, Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan… you’re really far too nice to me sometimes! If that’s how you treat all children, it’s a wonder that A-Yuan isn’t a spoiled little brat.”

“Wei Ying is not a child.”

“But you still spoil me. Well, I’m not going to complain. Lan Zhan, do get me some spice for dinner. I need it to survive.”

Lan Wangji huffed at that dramatic exaggeration (nobody died from lack of spice, and Gusu Lan food was made with great care to be perfectly balanced) but he obeyed nonetheless and left the Jingshi again, happy as always that he might make Wei Wuxian happy.

[ambrosiaicecreem]

AH IM ABOUT TO GO TO SLEEP BUT I ASK ALL OF THEM FOR THE CHARACTER OF YOUR CHOICE. Goodnight ^_^v

AH thanks for the ask jade! good night! <3 

I’m answering for the most controversial Montolvo child: Kassandra. All answers under the cut since this’ll be a LONG one! 

🌹 Where in the world does your OC feel most at home? Is there any reason why? If it’s not the place they were born, where were they born? Is there a certain somebody that makes them feel at home where ever they may be? What does home mean to them?

Kass feels most at home back in Greece. She was the one that adjusted to the move to New Brando the worst, out of everyone in her family. Athens is all that she knows, and quite honestly she was happy to spend out the rest of forever there. 

There isn’t really any certain people that makes her feel at home. So long as she’s with her family, that’s where home is for her and what it means to her. That’s part of why she reacted the way she did in regards to the divorce and Silas and Camellia’s relationship. 

🍄 What are your OCs favourite snacks? Their favourite comfort food which always cheers them up when they’re down? Favourite meal to make? Do they enjoy baking and cooking and are they any good in the kitchen?

Kassandra is not the type of young vampire to mix blood in with human food to make special hybrid-like concoctions. She really likes sweets, especially cookies. Her all-time favorite snack, which also happens to be her comfort food, is kourabiedes (greek christmas butter cookies). It’s something she knows how to make by heart, all thanks to the years of making it with her father and siblings. 

She enjoys baking, but very much NOT cooking. She believes in the whole “you’re either a baker or a chef. not BOTH” mentality. 

🍁 Where does your OC go when they need to have some time to themself? Would they ever have their own “comfort corner” filled with all the things they like? Do they have a favourite spot outside that feels like its theirs and theirs alone?

Her room is her safe space. She totally would have a “comfort corner”. She kinda does, actually. Her nightstands are full of her favorite things (or they at least WERE her favorite prior to the last few updates): designer purses that were gifts from her mother, pictures of Greece and her family, and a journal. She doesn’t really have a favorite spot outside. 

🍂 Does your OC enjoy hugs? What do they do as a show of affection for: their friends, their family, their significant other(s) or for strangers? Over all what are they like with recieving affection from others?

She’s been very... prissy, at this current point in the story. It takes a while for her to genuinely warm up to people. She’s an actions speak louder than words type of girl when it comes to affection, so she likes to do things for the people she cares about. Whether that’s doing them favors or surprising them with things they would like. When it comes to strangers, however, she can be very standoff-ish. She’s not all that great about receiving affection, though. Like.. genuine affection, especially when she isn’t expecting it. it catches her off guard. 

🌻 What little things do they notice about people or the world around them that make them happy? What tiny little treasures do they find in the normal every day that makes the world seem a little brighter for them?

It’s honestly a little hard to think about what makes Kass happy, given she’s been pretty negative the amount of times we’ve seen her so far. She finds a lot of joy in pretty things, as superficial as it sounds. Very specifically, she likes pretty works of ancient art, from around the time her father was human. 

🌾 Describe your OC through the eyes of someone absolutely head-over-heels in love with them

“Kassandra is... strong. She carries herself with such confidence and dignity. Every step she takes feels like she’s taking over the world. How amazing it must be, to be able to speak your mind and have other people listen. Sometimes I wonder.. if I’m even worthy enough to be by her side. I hope she knows how much she’s worth it.” 

- from the eyes of someone coming soon... in season 2 ;-) 

💐 How does your OC handle being unwell or forced to rest in bed? Who cares for them and in what ways? Does your OC enjoy being doted on or are they a terrible patient? Reversed: is your OC good at taking care of others who are ill or in need?

Kassandra absolutely refuses to stay still whenever she’s unwell. Usually it’s Silas who takes care of Kassandra, but if for some reason Silas isn’t there it’s always going to be her older siblings. She’s stubborn, but she loves to be doted on when you finally get her to just chill. It may come as a surprise, but Kassandra is actually really good at taking care of others. Considering she spent the most time with Serafina, she’s also studied the most under her. 

🌿 What way does your OC show that they care without using words? What way do others show your OC that they’re cared about without using speech?

This was mentioned above. Actions always speak louder to Kassandra. 

🌳 What is your OC’s favourite way to relax after a stressful day? Do they have a favourite book to curl up with? A hobby? Or do they have a nice bubble bath and have an early night to bed?

Kassandra loves a good spa day. After a stressful day, she puts on her music, takes over the bathroom with candles, flowers, and sweets, and has a nice bubble bath. After that, she’ll retire to her room, put on one of her favorite movies (she’s a sucker for romcoms) and do something like a face mask or her nails. 

🌲 How deeply does your OC feel? Are they typically empathetic or do they have a hard time connecting with others in this way? What are they like when offering support and comfort to someone they care for?

Kassandra wears her emotions on her sleeve. She’s very passionate and everything seems to come to her intensely. When it comes to people she cares about, she finds it easier to be empathetic towards them versus a stranger. Kass’ way of offering support and comfort is trying to solve the problem, but sometimes, that isn’t an option. Or it can be the worst option: ie: the dinner. 

🌺 What does your OC do to calm down when they’re scared or after a nightmare? Do they have any special comfort items or need to be reassured by a specific person? How do they handle this if they’re alone?

This may come as a shock, but Ajax is the one to calm Kassandra down when she’s scared. Growing up, their rooms were right next to each other, so he would always be the first one to react when she’d wake up from a nightmare. Nowadays, if Kass is scared in the middle of the night, all it takes is for Ajax to stay in the same room as her while she sleeps. 

If she’s alone, she just doesn’t sleep until sunrise. 

🌸 What are some of their favourite things and why? List as many as you can think of!

High fashion, photography, cats, the color pink, romantic comedies, sweets, the ocean. 

🥀 How would your OC decorate a notebook or journal? What kind of things are written in there? Could you give an example of a nice entry?

Kass’s journal is moreso a journal of designs, given her interest in high fashion. It’s pink, filled with cursive handwriting and very neat illustrations with their respective labels. She’d definitely go over things with pen. Pencil is NOT allowed in her journals. She’d also fill her journals with pictures for inspiration. Moodboards, basically. 

🌼 Who are this characters friends and found family? How did they meet, how long have they been friends for, could they ever be something more than just friends? What do they look for in a friend or a romantic partner?

These two have yet to be introduced properly, but will be in Season 2! Their names are Zaira Melendez ( @simpink ) and Roselyn Lu and they are Kassandra’s two most trusted best friends. Shortly after the Montolvo family moved to New Brando, Kassandra was enrolled into DB Academy, which is where she met the two. 

Kassandra met Zaira first. It came at a time where Zaira was truly in need of someone who can guide her after the unexpected loss of her father. Kassandra just so happened to be that person, and the two lost souls connected with each other almost instantly. 

It was soon after when Roselyn joined the two and they became a trio. Rose was just a quiet and shy student council student when Kassandra and Zaira stood up for her against a male student that was harassing her. Rose is Kassandra’s voice of reason simply because of her kindhearted nature compared to both Kass and Zaira’s sometimes brutal bluntness. 

At the point of the story from when I’m writing this, they’ve all been friends for a little over 9 months now. Personally, Kass couldn’t see herself being with either of them romantically, given that she’s straight. But when it comes to a partner, she’s honestly just looking for a guy that will genuinely accept her, flaws and all. 

💫 What is your favourite fact about this character and why?

So obviously I know a lot about Kassandra that you guys don’t know about yet. Without giving away too many spoilers, I honestly love the arc that Kassandra is at. As we’ve seen so far, Kass has been nothing but a rotten, spoiled, bitchy young teen. And just like any young stereotypical teenager, she thinks she has it ALL figured out about herself. But ooh girl, after the truth came out, her world has turned UPSIDE DOWN. She’s got a lot of soul searching to do, to put it simply. 

☄️ Does this OC deserve better treatment from you? Do you make them suffer just a little bit too much? Be nice to them!

Girl, for what she did to Camellia? I should make her suffer MORE. She was a straight bully. What goes around comes around. 

🌠 On a scale of 1 - 10 how Baby is your OC? BONUS when asking this question rate the OC yourself as see if the reply matches up!!

10/10. Kassandra is the biggest baby.

💦 If you as the writer could erase one traumatic event from this OC’s life what would it be and why?

Honestly? I don’t think I’d erase anything. Kass has had an easy life so far. The most traumatic things she’s had were the divorce and finding out the reason for it, which are two things that greatly affect her character. Without them, she just wouldn’t be the same Kass. 

[lawfulpride]

Back by popular demand! A conversation between Davos and Thor, Part II.  Thor played by @honourablebravery.

captaincoffee07/25/2020

Thor, never the best at 'reading a room', is not foolish enough to be entirely oblivious. Good at this? Nah, probably not. Oblivious? Not so. The slight crease in his brow furrows further and further inward, before he moves to seat himself beside Davos-keeping a good forearm of space between them so Davos doesn't feel crowded in. "Well, you scarcely know me now, generally I have learned that speaking with someone on friendly terms can change that." They clearly have some sort of shared ground, and Davos seems to burn with the need to speak. Perhaps as Loki, he's forever been unheard Thor thinks, a pin-prick of bitterness touching his heart. "Is it something that you would wish to discuss? I am no wordsmith, but I have a gentle ear, and the ability for pragmatism."

Hopeful07/25/2020

"It's . . .. . " Davos ducks his head. He's been working on this: hard.  But revelations of his personal struggles remain shameful terrain he was trained for 28 solid years to keep to himself.  "It's. Not." He sighs, and looks up.  "It's not seemly.  For someone like me.  I am. I am still learning that I have the right to be." He blinks. "Well. Human."

He gives Thor a long look. " . . . the person I put all my faith and trust in was my brother.  When we turned 28, we were the two final contestants, out of all the monks in our temple, to go to trial for the most prestigious title--and responsibility--of my homeland.  I was winning.  Winning, but I couldn't kill him, even though that was the custom, so I begged him to yield. He was losing badly, but he still wouldn't listen to me, he kept fighting.  And I kept winning.  And then the light passed over the windows of the temple, and blinded me for but a moment. And Danny . . . his name is Danny, Danny Rand . . . .you've surely heard of him, he is as rich and at least half as famous as Mr. Stark . . . . he took the advantage and disarmed me, and won."

"In that one moment everything I had ever wanted, everything I had ever dreamt of becoming, was gone." He grinds his jaw. "But I was still willing to stand by his side as he took the Iron Fist . . . .the title and the duty of which I spoke.  And he thanked me by abandoning us. Abandoning me."

"Coming back here. To play white Kung Fu hero to a city full of reprobates."

captaincoffee07/25/2020

Something about Davos not even being 30 yet both startles and alarms, Thor's brow knitting continually, until it's nearly a flattened line of scrunch. "Siblings are not forged in blood alone, family is family, a lack of a blood bond means little when the pain is so true, the experiences so raw, and the moments so introspective, sharp and clear. Birth right can only account for so much, it's what we know and experience that makes a relationship. This man, Danny, he is your brother, in the truest of it's definition. And you have bene hurt, both by his betrayal and abandonment, and by he effectively sneering in the face of your love and accomplishments." Thor blinks, seemingly startled by how much he's said. "Of course..I can only know this from an outsiders view' He says, quickly. Aware that-regardless of what Davos currently describes, he'd probably not appreciate Thor actually insulting the man. He knew that feeling all too well. "Davos..if I may..what is it you wish to ask him? Can it even be quantified in singular statements? What drives you now?" He saw Davos was indeed human, but he keeps this quiet, not sure how this moral complex is for the other, or what about it disturbs him so. He hasn't enough information yet for that.

Hopeful07/26/2020

Davos folds his arms across his chest.  As he is wont to do, he listens closely to Thor's ruminating.  The god clearly speaks from experience.  "Of course." He looks up suddenly, eyes bright with a different kind of light, one not altogether gentle.  "Your brother is the sorcerer who attacked this city in 2012."   He would love to do battle with such a formidable creature, but he also knows that to say or even think such a thing toward this good man's beloved family member is unkind.  " . . . . as for your question, I don't. I don't know."

"I cannot imagine what I would say."

captaincoffee07/26/2020

There is anger there. Thor can sense it. What he cannot discern is it's direction, and he is not about to make the situation escalate by asking. He feels pain, but he doesn't know quite why he feels pain. For a moment, he wishes he understood people, emotions, nuances better. He tries, and he hopes that is something. "Yes,  Loki attacked New York here..in 2012..he was..unwell..very very unwell, that is not..I wish to not make it sound as if I'm excusing him, but much has come to light, since that moment." He chuckles, fondly, almost, reaching for his ice coffee. "You know.' Having a small sip. "It's entirely possible you won't know until you are within five inches of Danny's face that you'll know exactly what you wish to say"

Hopeful07/26/2020

"it might be unwise for me to ever see him again." Davos looks down at his right fist. He flexes it, over and over, slowly, as though something there is missing: the hand that, briefly, held the Iron Fist, when for a time he stole it from Danny.  A twitch of muscles, that meditates on what might have been. "I have spent many months rebalancing my chi, recovering my self-control and my....clarity...in knowing right from wrong.  Seeing Danny makes me violent and irrational."

"...it did not used to."

captaincoffee07/26/2020

Thor nods, slow, steady, and hopefully with understanding. "Unwise..yes, but are you settled?" He asks, "If you think that it would be possible to never see him, to never have that moment again and carry out your life with something else on your mind, could you do so? I would never advise anything that could hurt you, but I only ask, does it feel wise to you?" He continues, a little quickly. "You seem a man whom carries burdens like brands, Davos. A man who will always feel the burn of things that fester, that he believes wrong, because not having the resolution to something you believed in so deeply..I don't know if you'd be content, letting it go..because to you, it'll always feel like some slow moving knife taking pieces from your spine until someone yanks it back out." He could be wrong, and he truly has little clue where this babbling he speaks comes from..maybe Davos had a way of making everyone more introspective.

Hopeful07/26/2020

Davos sets his jaw.  He stands, and moves to the door.  But he pauses, and turns. His hand tightens into a fist at his side. He turns it and examines his palm. And he returns to the couch, and sinks back onto it.  "You are right."

captaincoffee07/26/2020

He worries for a brief moment if he's said something upsetting, but then Davos just..sits back down. "I cannot speak for you, nor your best interests, Davos..but..I do..I cannot say I do not worry. Your energy is very..intense"

Hopeful07/27/2020

The Steel Serpent looks at the Thunder God in his gauging, serious way.  "I was born to protect, and I must find something to protect, or I will run mad."  It's a confession, a tacit agreement.

captaincoffee07/27/2020

Something to protect. It seems there could be a double meaning to that..but it feels..rude to ask. He's not sure how to respond, precisely. "What about protecting yourself..and what you believe in? It may..I feel that there are causes, things you sympathize with, perhaps, if devotion is what drives you..looking somewhere to it?"

Hopeful07/27/2020

"That is why I am a shifu at several training centers now."  He rubs a palm down the back of his scalp, and inclines his head toward Thor in a single nod. "That is what I seek.  Truth to my purpose.  To be devout, to the people who need to learn to protect themselves. Some of them are children. Some women battered by the pigs who have abused the sanctity of marriage. Some teenagers."

"It's only...Can you miss the person who abandoned and betrayed you? I fear that is my dilemma.  Yet I don't trust myself to speak to him without reverting to shameful ways."

captaincoffee07/27/2020

Norns, what a loaded question. And such a question does not have a simple response-it cannot, at the heart, have any response not loaded and situation-based. He decides to hone in on the most simplistic part of the question (or what Thor thinks is the most simple) "Yes, I think you can' He says, gently, 'But you and I both know there is more to it than that..is there not?" The set up is a clear opening I can expand upon this should you desire it. You are safe in my company.

Hopeful07/27/2020

"Please explain."  Davos takes the opening, finally sipping his nearly forgotten tea.

captaincoffee07/27/2020

"Betrayal..is not a black and white issue, and it of course, determines on the type of betrayal." He's hesitating, but it's clearly in result of thinking how best to word what he desires to bring to the table here. "And how badly you are hurt by said betrayal. I think that, if one is to look for forgiveness after a betrayal has occurred, then context is utterly crucial."

Hopeful07/27/2020

"I don't want forgiveness, I want him to beg it! And I want to still tell him to go to hell!" Davos speaks ferociously but his whole body tightens, trying to regulate the emotions he keeps too constantly locked up in the dark.  "I want him to have never left, I want us to be home! I would have gladly yielded him the honor he was bestowed if he had just taken it seriously!"

A long pause and he draws out a shaky exhale. "Forgive me, I should not have raised my voice."

captaincoffee07/27/2020

Thor's first instinct is to reach out, he's tactile, after all. But he doesn't have consent and he's not sure what a man like Davos thinks of such things. Knowing full well some individuals hated touch. His fingers flex against his own leg, a slight inward curl, "Anger is not always something shameful" He points out, gently, "Sometimes it is good to let it out..lest it consumes us." Unless Davos believed anger a shameful thing, "You are not..." No He puzzles, then tries again, "This is a safe haven, Davos"

Hopeful07/27/2020

"A weapon does not know anger." The words are hollow and come from a dead place behind Davos's now shuttered and lightless eyes.  "A weapon does not indulge in emotions.  It is dangerous.  I do not think you unsafe. On the contrary, you are .....you are quite kind."

"I want him to have valued me...as much as I valued him." That's the root of it all. That's the bottom line.

captaincoffee07/27/2020

"You're a human first, Davos" He lets that sit, a moment. 'I was not always good...maybe this is why I make such an effort now..maybe I always had goodness inside, but could never access it..or..something." Words are not his strong suit. "You know the truth that you cannot force him to value you...Davos, it hurts..but Danny's blindness is not because of you, but him, and whatever has completely clouded his mind, his vision, his everything."

Hopeful07/27/2020

Davos bites his tongue halfway to saying "I know that!" because. Does he? Intellectually, perhaps, but not in his heart of hearts. "I have never been exposed to what...the Western world, I believe, refers to as 'positive reinforcement,' but I shall attempt to believe your words are true."

captaincoffee07/27/2020

"In truth..I do not quite grasp that concept either. My..my father's belief to me..was that..as long as you did what he claimed was 'good' then..it meant something. But it had to align with his personal visions. Order, regulation, he saw the future, did he? Maybe he claimed such, not sure...but I was so brash, so arrogant. And after years of encouragement from him to be so, he tells me no, it is too much, humble yourself..and I do..but it still did not align with his beliefs" "Loki suffered worse for it. He saw right through him at points..he always was to clever.."

Hopeful07/27/2020

Davos lifts his head from where it's been resting, in his hands, and studies Thor perceptively.  "My parents are like your father.  It's exhausting. I'm very sorry. The price of being the model pupil, always, is steep.  But I succeeded often in being what my mother and father...mostly my mother, demanded. It was just that it was never quite enough.  I could always be more perfect. And when I was not, I did not exist."

captaincoffee07/27/2020

"And I, to you, I am sorry..but if I may?" He has no idea how to preface it, simply launching himself head-long into words and hoping it sticks "I have learned, and I cannot claim this to be universal, these parents of ours..they have ideas, they want things accomplished. My father wanted a King, and he molded me to be just that, but when I started to eek from his mold, he punished me. He had two sons..well, Loki is Loki, but we grew up..side by side..and he made it seem as if the throne was allowed to both of us, but he deliberately kept the truth at bay. I was to take the throne, Loki not, and in his eyes we both failed because of what? Because HE couldn't be arsed to communicate openly? Because he treated fatherhood like putting pieces into a puzzle? Adding sealant to a sculpture? How can we do wrong or right when to him, sharing his thoughts was not..we were never worthy of his true voice, only spiels I have to wonder were rehearsed, he even banished our sister and told NOBODY." Now Thor is raging, that tell-tale fiery personality that still lingers beneath the surface, even to this day, rising like an encroaching flame. "She was too powerful..for him..' he scoffs, 'Imagine.." Lies, lies, deceit. Half truths. "Davos, we..we could never live up to what our parents desire, because their desires are not tangible, they are unrealistic, they always were. To the offspring are a means to an end, a continuation in a storyline they've crafted and could never finish, because we have agency. If they wanted someone to carry out legacies, whatever, to their exact specifications, make models, or something, do not expect that people with brains and feelings and hearts are blank slates waiting to be guided about like dogs!"

Hopeful07/27/2020

Davos watches Thor storm around his own lodgings, his inspirational words turning into a blaze of still unresolved emotions.  The Kung Fu master blinks slowly once. He then smiles, a small soft smile, almost modest in nature. This is so familiar. Danny has a temper like this, too.  Danny likes to rail against injustices, too, albeit a bit more sanctimoniously than this Thor fellow does.

Something about it is as comforting as the commiseration, the empathy, within the words themselves. He stands and walks over to the ranting god, and lays a hand on his bicep. "Are you alright?" he asks, and it's clear he actually cares. Davos isn't much of a deceiver.

captaincoffee07/27/2020

The touch does not startle him, it is both welcome and relieving. "..Are you?" He asks, quietly. "I.." He chuckles, 'I am a Thunder God for a reason, it appears." Aware that the moment is radiating tension, but comfort in the same shared space. 'Our lives seem oddly similar, Davos, in some ways."

Hopeful07/27/2020

"I am, in fact."  Davos huffs a laugh through his nose, and nods. "Perhaps we are."

captaincoffee07/27/2020

Thor's grin turns downright radiant, pleased with the good discussion, moving to turn himself more fully, his own wide-palmed hand loosely grasping  Davos's shoulder. "I am glad, to have given you some chance to alleviate some burdens, and I would be honoured to have you as a friend."

HopefulToday at 2:17 PM

Davos reddens.  Particularly his cheeks and ears.  They aren't especially large ears, but with his shaved head, they become prominent.  He could face down any foe with his fists, and with his keen wits, he could navigate nearly any delicate intellectual scenario as well. But being told by a friendly behemoth that he wants to be his friend, that it would be his honor? That's intimidating to someone trained to disregard emotional attachments altogether, save those which pertain to loyalty, and to devotion. "I." Oh, but it's very good for him, this scenario. "I would also be honored." He grasps Thor's shoulder, in return. He has to stand on his tiptoes.

[chobit92]

Home: Jacob Seed/OC Chapter 37

(2 weeks later: Mara parks the ATV outside the Hope County Clinic in Holland Valley. She walks up to the door and goes inside. She freezes in the doorway. The foyer is a wreck and there’s blood splattered up the walls.). Mara: Hello? (She walks into the small office. It’s been trashed as has the other office. She goes into the main room. The examination table has been turned over and the medical equipment is gone. The three large cabinets that are usually filled with various medicines are broken and empty. There’s something written on the wall in black paint. Mara lets out a small wail and starts to sob sinking to the floor. She isn’t going to have her appointment with the doctor. The only other doctors in the county now are members of Edens Gate. 

---Joseph has just finished his sermon. Most have left the church to carry out their daily tasks. Faith, John, Jacob, Joseph, Terry and Evelyn remain.). Terry: Why would Mara miss a sermon? Faith: There’s something wrong with her. She’s been acting really weird lately. Evelyn: She’s gone from being homeless and starving with nobody to having her sister back and living with all these strangers. It’s a big change. Terry: You said that everything with Holly was fine now. Evelyn: It is. They were sewing together yesterday afternoon and talking too. Faith: Then where has she gone? Evelyn: I don’t know dear. (Lexi walks in.). Lexi: Mara’s just pulled up. Evelyn: Well tell her to get in here would you dear? Lexi: Yeah. (Lexi leaves and a minute later Mara walks in.). Evelyn: Hello dear. Where were you today? Mara: What? Evelyn: Are you alright dear? You look very pale. Mara: Do I? I’m fine. Just not feeling well. Evelyn: Still? Mara: It’s being around that bliss shit. Evelyn: Hm. You’ll get used to it dear. Faith: Why weren’t you at the sermon? Mara: Because I’ve spent most of the morning with my head over the bog. Do you need me to do something coz if you don’t I’m just gonna go lie down for a bit. (She turns and walks to the door.). Faith: Sis! (Mara leaves.). Faith: See what I mean? She’s acting funny. Evelyn: Hm. I’ll go talk to her. Joseph: I’ll talk to her. (Joseph leaves the church. He catches up to Mara on her way to the barn.). Joseph: Mara? Mara: What do you want Joe? Look I’m sorry I missed your sermon but I figured you wouldn’t want me throwing up all over the floor. It would have looked like a scene from the exorcist. Joseph: My child? (He grabs her arm and turns her to face him.). Joseph: Where is this attitude coming from? Mara: What attitude? I just don’t feel well. (They reach the barn and she climbs onto the top bunk and lies down with her back to him.). Joseph: Talk to me child. What is wrong? Mara: Nothing. I just don’t feel well. Joseph: You need to eat something and drink some water. I’ll leave you to rest but I expect to see you this afternoon. We need to talk about this attitude of yours. Mara: Whatever Joe. (Joseph grits his teeth and bows his head. He doesn’t want to do this but she is forcing his hand. He grabs her and yanks her off of the bunk bed.). Mara: Hey! Joseph: Get up now and follow me. (Mara sighs angrily and follows him over to the obstacle course.). Joseph: Steve! (Steve jogs over.). Steve: Yes Father? Joseph: I want Mara to run this course until she collapses from exhaustion. Steve: Yes Father. (Joseph stares at Mara and she gets the feeling he’s reading her mind again.). Mara: You trying to kill us Joe? Joseph: You will do as your told, there will be no more attitude, no more missing sermons. Mara: I wasn’t feeling- Joseph: Do you want a place with us or not? Mara: There’s no place for me. Never was. Joseph: That’s not true. You have a place here with us. You are throwing it away. Now run the course. (Mara sighs.). Joseph: Without any attitude. (Mara really doesn’t feel like running. She feels lightheaded and sick. She starts running the course but a few minutes later she has collapsed in the dirt.). Joseph: Up you get Mara. (She doesn’t move. Steve walks over to her and rolls her over.). Steve: She’s passed out. (Joseph sighs and lifts her up carrying over to the barn and lying her down on the bottom bunk. He brushes her hair out of her face. A minute later she stirs then sits up before throwing up on the floor. She then starts to sob. Joseph frowns.). Joseph: Why are you crying? Mara: Coz it’s all crap innit? Joseph: What is? Mara: My life. Just one big joke Joe. Joseph: No. You have a new life now. Mara: Until it’s gone. Happiness doesn’t last for me. Joseph: It can if you let it. (She leans against him and he puts an arm around her.). Mara: Sorry. Joseph: For? Mara: Acting like a stroppy teenager giving her dad attitude. (Joseph can’t help but smile slightly.). Joseph: You are forgiven my child. (She looks up at him. He looks down at her, their noses are inches apart.). Mara: How do you do that? Joseph: Do what? Mara: Be so calm all the time. Joseph: There is no need to be angry. It achieves nothing. (He brushes a hand through her hair. She closes her eyes.). Mara: I need to pee. (She giggles.). Mara: Sorry. (She gets up and sways slightly. He gets up and supports her. She leans against him.). Mara: How can you be so warm when you walk around wearing nothing? You know I think you’re a wizard Joe. Joseph: I’m a what? Mara: A wizard. (Then she laughs.). Mara: You just quoted Harry Potter. Joseph: I did? Mara: Yeah. (They walk over to the toilets and she goes inside the small cubicle. The toilets are wooden and are just really holes in the ground. When she is done she goes over to the spigot and washes her hands.). Mara: Guess I’d better get back to the course. Joseph: I have a better idea. Mara: You do? Joseph: I don’t want you collapsing on me again. (She follows him back to his church. They go inside and Faith, John and Jacob look up.). Faith: Sis. Mara: Hey. (Joseph picks up a white book and hands it to Mara.). Joseph: I don’t think you have yet read my word. Everybody reads it. So that they understand. (Mara takes the book and looks at the floor.). Mara: Okay. Joseph: You need to be resting and I thought it a perfect opportunity for you to read. (Mara doesn’t say anything.). Faith: Just read it sis. Okay? (Mara can feel her cheeks burning and she knows she’s blushing.). Mara: I’ll see you later then. (She turns and starts to walk off.). Faith: Sis? Mara: Yeah? Faith: I was thinking...We should spend the day together tomorrow. We don’t see each other often enough. Mara: Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow then. (Mara leaves.). Faith: There’s something wrong. The way she’s acting...It’s like she just doesn’t care anymore...About anything. John: Maybe she’s done something wrong. Faith: Like what? She’s been doing everything to help everyone here and she’s been trying to fit in. (John shrugs.). Faith: Trust you to think the worst of her John. John: I wasn’t. I was just making a suggestion. Faith: I’ll talk to her tomorrow. I will find out what’s wrong. John: Hm. I can talk to her. Faith: No. I’ll do it. We’re sisters we tell each other everything. John: Clearly not. (Holly has walked in and has been listening.). Holly: Are you talking about Mara? Faith: It’s very rude to eavesdrop you know? Holly: I couldn’t help but overhear. Faith: How are you two getting on now? (Holly smiles. But inside she is boiling with rage. She saw Mara yesterday talking to John and they were close...Very close. They were laughing together and then Mara hugged him. In front of everyone! Hugged him! Mara has told her, assured her, that there is nothing going on but Holly doesn’t believe her. She wants Mara gone.). Holly: Yes...I’m still getting to know her but we’re okay. I realise how wrong it was to treat her that way. I let my sin get the better of me but we’re all good now. Faith: Good. Holly: Though... Faith: What? Holly: Well...She’s been acting weird right? Faith: Yes. Do you know why? Holly: Well...She doesn’t want to be here. Faith: What? Holly: Well we’ve noticed her sneaking off several times. When I asked her about it she didn’t say much. Evelyn told me that she had a doctor’s appointment a couple of weeks ago but- Joseph: She did. She has already told me where she was. The doctor at the clinic in Holland Valley confirmed to us that she had been to see him. He also told me what he treated her for. Holly: Oh. Joseph: She had an infection and he gave her antibiotics. Holly: She could have just seen a doctor here. Joseph: She wasn’t aware of that. I also think that she was embarrassed. (Jacob is frowning.). Holly: I see. Well this morning when she was meant to be here she wasn’t. Joseph: She wasn’t feeling well. Holly: Yes but where was she? She wasn’t here. If she was unwell why wasn’t she in bed? She left the compound again. When she came back she seemed very upset and...Scared. (Everyone looks confused.). Holly: I think she’s meeting up with someone. John: You mean you think she is going to betray us? How? Holly: I don’t know. But she doesn’t want to be here. She only joined for you Faith. She isn’t happy and I’m worried that she’s planning something. Faith: What? Holly: Well she keeps sneaking away and not telling anyone where she’s been. So I think she’s thinking of leaving and she’s been meeting someone who’s gonna help her. Faith: I don’t believe you. Holly: Well I’m sorry I know she’s your sister but you have to consider- Faith: Yes she’s my sister and there is no proof whatsoever of what you are saying. All we have is your word, your assumptions, there could be a perfectly good explanation as to why Mara keeps sneaking off and it could have nothing to do with the fact that she is thinking of leaving us. Leaving me. Holly: Could always follow her. John: Hm. Could keep an eye on her. Clearly there’s something going on. Faith: I trust my sister. I don’t believe you. (Faith walks off leaving the church.). Holly: I didn’t mean to upset her. It’s just strange that Mara keeps sneaking off isn’t it? Joseph: Hm. You should not make assumptions and spread rumours Holly. Unless you are sure of the truth. This is how innocent people get punished for things they have not done. This is how people’s good names are slandered by all. It all starts with one rumour, one piece of gossip. Holly: Yes Father. I understand. Joseph: Good. (Holly leaves.). Joseph: What do you think Jacob? Jacob: About what? Women gossiping? I ain’t really interested. It’s pathetic. Joseph: No. I meant what do you think about Mara? Do you think she would leave us? That she would betray her family? (Jacob thinks. He doesn’t know her all that well but he is yet to see her run from anything.). Jacob: I don’t know. What’s it matter? Ain’t like nothings gonna happen. Don’t matter if she runs or if she tries to bring people here. They won’t budge us. Joseph: No. But I will be deeply disappointed if Holly is right about Mara. Jacob: You just said so yourself that it is just gossip Joe. Joseph: Yes. It is. Jacob: Holly doesn’t like Mara. She’s jealous of her because she’s such good friends with John. I think that says more about Holly than it does Mara. (Jacob shrugs before leaving the church.).

[swedeandsour]

Ahead of her upcoming debut LP “Powerslide” Soleima talks about Anthropology, Social Welfare, writing cheeky songs and her first Valentine’s Day

Fresh off a tour opening for Electric Guest, we spoke to Danish musician Sarah Mariegaard during her first North American tour. Touching base with what will soon become her debut LP “Powerslide”, we caught up with the Copenhagen artist on what makes her tick. Speaking on friendships and collaborations,  and her previous dabbling in anthropology, we debunk the mystery behind Sarah’s cultivated alter-ego Soleima in our interview with Mariegaard.

Words + Interview: Peter Quincy Ng

How’s the tour been so far?

It’s been my first tour in America and Canada! It’s also my first time touring for such a long period, so it’s definitely something special.

It’s been a year since your last EP “Bulldog”, so give us an update on what’s new with Soleima.

We’re releasing an album in March, and it’s going to be so fun. I’m excited to release a full-length album, because of releasing only singles, its something that you have to really cherish.

There’s a little tale that goes with your track “Roses”. I’ve read recently that on EP “Bulldog”, that it was a spontaneous songwriting effort that grew organically rather than you framing it around a narrative. How do you invent some of the characters and stories behind them, because often they are quite cheeky?

(Laughs) Yeah, I guess for “Roses” or for all of my songs, its experiences from my own life and people around. I try to put it in a way that people can relate to. “Roses” is a manifestation of something I’ve been going through and not really believing in myself and my own path. “Roses” its both dealing with it and describing it, and then putting an end to it, so I wrote it as sort of an empowerment song to myself.

You’ve been a person who has been no stranger to collaboration, from community drumming in Tanzania to Flødeklinikken to your work with producer Vasco. Soleima was never truly built in isolation, so tell me about Sarah’s team-building skills?

(Laughs) I definitely work very well in collabs and write a lot of stuff with others and friends. Some of the songs start on the piano where I write on my own, some start in a room with five other people going, “What about this? What about that? Argh!” and it’s important to have those different processes because songs will end up differently. I like both sides and I like both sides of the outcome.

You started out playing piano in Flødeklinikken, but where do you find your own voice as a soloist? 

Actually, it was Vasco and a guy who was his best friend called Vera, where we all had this dream of writing songs for others. I was studying and they were doing other daytime jobs, but we wanted to write songs to become topliners or producers. However when writing I started to feel ownership over some of the songs and release them under my own name. In Flødeklinikken, we were seven people writing together, but I missed that part where I could have full creative control

One of my first musical memories of you was from your video and demo track “My Boi”, tell me your collaboration with visual artist Maya SB?

Since the beginning of the Soleima project we always worked very closely. She’s a very close friend and I trust her vision and creativity. It was very easy to start working together, and of all the visuals that we’ve made “My Boi” is the one I am proudest of. I really think it’s amazing and it’s very much Maya’s vision. We still work together and I feel very humbled and blessed to be working with her.

“My Boi”

One of the things you’ve said about yourself despite being in hip-hop collaborative Flødeklinikken, is that you never saw yourself as a rapper. So what was it like knowing that your cover of “Check” got you on stage with Young Thug?

(Laughs) That was such a fun thing for me! Like it was so funny, and that’s so much how this all works. You do something and it opens a tiny door into something else, which opens another tiny door into something else, that’s a great example of that. You make a fun cover of a random hip-hop song, and then you get to open for him. I don’t know it’s super fun, and I’ve always listened to hip-hop and done it.  

“Check”

And as for Kranium? He’s a pretty big name in dancehall!

It’s because I recently got signed the U.S. instead of Denmark and this was our first conversation, because they’ve heard the “Breathe” track. They wanted to put the artist on the track, and then we did it and it was super fun.

“Breathe” 

So it must be a huge dream to make it like that and get signed. But an earlier dream of yours was as an anthropologist?

I have a Bachelor’s degree in anthropology, and I started to move into music when I finished. I was kind of a crossroads where I was wondering if I wanted to do my Master’s degree or do both? But then, because I got signed, I wanted to give it 110%. Luckily, I’ve been able to live off my music since then. My heart is definitely divided but it sounds a little spoiled to say but because I know it’s such a lucky thing to do music as a career, but I do really dream of going back to anthropology. Maybe I hope I could combine the two.

It’s something that pretty much comes up in every interview, but the name Soleima is taken from something father’s tell their daughters when they about to do something that’s up to no good. So if you had to dedicate a song to the teenage girl from Denmark, which one would it be? (Laughs) That’s a hard question, but there are some cheeky ones; “Roses”, “Shut the Fuck Up”, “Cheers for the Tears”.

I’ve read that your mother works with children and your father an addiction counselor. But did they ever get worried the lifestyle and parties of a touring artist, given their background working with people’s issues?

You are so well prepared! This is amazing I’m super impressed. But yeah, in Scandinavia, the support system is so big. There’s always a system to take care of you, and because of that I have a theory that parents in Scandinavia dare to have their children follow their weird dreams than if you were in U.S. I think as opposed to Scandinavia, over there having an education and making enough money is more important, because if not who is going to take care of you. Whereas in Denmark, I could take another career path and I wouldn’t be out in the street. I have my little theory but that’s why I think people dare to do whatever they want out there.

I also have super cool parents, who let me do whatever the fuck I want. As for the partying I think they would be worried if I seemed unwell, but I think by now it seems like they don’t think I’m drinking everyday or doing drugs.

Touring life can be difficult tell us how you keep the sanitary or some on-stage rituals you perform to shake the nerves?  

Today we had an off day yesterday and we walked around the town for a many hours actually. All of us, we really enjoyed walking around the towns, and doing super normal things. But we just typically hang out half-an-hour before the show before we get into focus.

Today is Valentine’s Day, anything special for the audience?

Actually, in Denmark we don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day, it’s not a tradition there. Maybe some do but I never liked it, so I’m actually going to celebrate my first one with everyone here.

Actually speaking of holidays, I asked Rasmus (School of X), about where he’d have his dream holiday and he said in Mexico with you.

Ah! Oh my God that’s the cutest! We used to go to Tulum and enjoy the ecotourism, but now it’s a bit too touristy and a lot of partying. It’s also because we’ve been travelling for so many years, and vacations, they are really important and it’s about having time together. So I would say the same, no matter where we are, the best vacation is one with Rasmus.