#he loses his 120+ year old worth of shit

[tekitothemagpie]

He hates him so much it's hilarious.

[lokilickedme]

Somebody help me chill, this is insane.

(under the cut because long and also pretty traumatic, for me at least)

Crazy neighbor, remember her?  Her son destroyed a piece of equipment we had attached to one of our trees at the fenceline last week, she denied it and called us insane liars - that’s the most recent craziness in the ongoing saga of the neighbor from hell.  I was sitting here reading my dash tonight and happened to glance over at the monitor for the surveillance camera husband got me the other day to watch that exact spot (where the equipment was smashed) and guess who I see bent over looking through the fence peering very closely at that exact spot?  Neighbor’s equally insane son, who we know did the actual dirty work.  And I, stupid like I am, took a screenshot of him and then immediately jumped up and ran outside in the dark in my pajamas (nearly 9pm, pitch black, their porch light is off because obviously they’re doing something they don’t want to be seen doing) and I ask “Excuse me, what are you doing?”

This lunatic immediately starts SCREAMING at me - I mean top of his lungs SCREAMING abusive threats, calling me a stupid psycho whore bitch, yelling at me to get my ass back in my house and generally just acting completely off his rocker unhinged nuts - and then his mother comes out and comes over to the fence and gets in my face while I’m just standing there and tells me to mind my own business.  I say I am minding my business, I saw him looking through the fence at my property right where we had vandalism happen last week so I came out to find out why he’s interested in my property.  She laughed in my face and said “No he wasn’t, he was standing right here looking at his phone like this” and she does this little pantomine of someone looking at their phone, which is funny because she wasn’t out there when he was doing it and there are no windows on that side of her house at all.  I ignored her and asked “What are you looking for?”  He kept screaming incoherent animal noises and insults from behind her so I asked again, “What are you looking for?”  And that crazy woman grinned at me and said “We’re just looking to see what kind of new devices you’ve installed!”

OMG.  She didn’t even take a breath in between lying and then contradicting her own lie.  And she’s grinning smugly at me the entire time, gesturing around pointing at our property cams and mosquito light (it flashes and apparently she thinks it’s watching her) and my bedroom window - which means she’s been snooping.  There is a cam sitting in my windowsill, aimed at the spot where the device was smashed.  Every bit of this equipment is on our property, some of it behind a privacy fence.  I tell her it’s none of her business what kind of devices we’ve got on our property, but she just yammers over me, and of course numbskull is still ranting like a psycho behind her, screaming at me to mind my own business and get back in my house and leave them alone.  At this point he’s pulled out his phone and shoved it over her shoulder toward my face and is recording me, which is just...fucking hilarious...because I’m literally doing nothing but standing there in shock and awe at how nuts these people are, and he’s still screaming abusive curses and names at me while he’s recording.

Anyway, for about 4.5 minutes we stood there with them shouting over me (I know the exact time because it was later discovered that our doorbell cam recorded audio of the entire event) and a little ways into it he screams “I WILL TEAR YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!!”

At this point psycho woman finally turns around and says “Addison Case!” and pushes him back.  He lunges at me and she tells him to go call the police (??what??  I mean...I wish he had...my phone was in my hand frozen solid, locked up because of the glitchy surveillance app I had to install to see the camera, or else I would have called them myself - but my god they really thought I was the one the cops needed to come for??).  Meanwhile I’m just standing there on my own property in the dark in my pajamas, all 5 feet and 120 lbs of me, while this rabid animal - he’s a 21 year old college boy - is lunging at me and screaming nonstop, calling me a fucking whore bitch loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear it while his phone’s camera light is in my face blinding me.  Crazy lady smiles that smug shit eating grin of hers and tells me to get back in my house, leave her alone, and move the hell away so she can live in peace.

Wow.  Just...holy shit.

This is the person who has allowed her dog to attack my very small 8 year old son on our property and send him to the hospital with injuries last year, then attempt to attack him again 2 weeks ago (he is now 9 at the time of the second attack) - again on our own property (in our back yard this time, in our front yard the first time), has allowed her dogs (multiple) to bark all night long and keep us awake (she leaves them outside and then goes away for the weekend and they bark the entire time she’s gone), then she had her crazy violent son destroy the BarkBox we put in our tree on our side of the fence last week (we put it up as a humane way to get the barking to stop without having to listen to her call us insane liars every time we complain about it).  Yet...she kept repeating over and over and over for us to leave her alone and stop harassing her.

All I could even do was stand there shaking my head.  It was surreal.  And frustrating, because they wouldn’t even let me get a word out without screaming over me, and she was doing that infuriating Karen thing where they shove their hand at your face and grin smugly while they’re telling you what you better do or they’ll call someone to make you.

I actually started laughing, it was so ludicrous.  She’s committed all those vile offenses against us and we’re the ones that need to leave her alone.  We’ve had to file four police reports against her and we’re the ones that are making her life miserable.  I just can’t stop thinking about that Liar Liar movie where the repeat offender keeps calling his lawyer to complain that the cops won’t stop arresting him and the lawyer finally yells THEN STOP BREAKING THE LAW ASSHOLE!!

It’s just like that.  My god.

SO -

She tells him to call the police again, and this limp dick shoves that phone light right up to my face and says “You think she’s worth calling the cops over?  Look at her, she don’t look worth it to me.”  And bitch starts laughing.  My god, these people are subhuman, I swear.  I’ve never seen anyone act like this in my life, over a person doing literally nothing to them.

So she finally orders her rabid son (who is just about foaming at the mouth, I swear he’s making these barking animal noises at me, it’s weird as hell) into the house and they walk away, with him still ranting like a madman until the door closes behind them.  I immediately go inside my own house and call my husband, who was way out at the back of our property in our camper (he self quarantines each day after work out there to protect us because there have been a lot of covid cases at his workplace) and he didn’t know anything was happening.  He immediately runs up to the house and I tell him I caught neighbor’s thug son messing around at our fence and that when I went out he threatened to kill me.

Tom grabs something - I don’t even know what it was, I think it was this piece of board that was sitting by the door, we’ve done a shelving project recently and a couple of leftover pieces have been there for a few days - and he stalks outside toward neighbor’s house.  I hear him yell COME OUT HERE BOY!!! and I stg you guys, if I wasn’t on the phone calling 911 I might have thought about getting naked right there and then because damn.

So anyway, let’s not go there.  This is serious by god lol (look for this to show up in a fic soon though because material like this doesn’t get handed to you for free every day).

I call 911 and say the neighbor’s son just threatened my life and for them to come quick because he’s still over there but I know he’s going to leave any second (this is his mom’s M.O, the two times the police have tried to go talk to her she gets in her car and leaves before they can get from my house to hers, and I know he’ll do the same because COWARDS).  Tom comes back and says the little pussywillow wouldn’t come out of the house.  He’s breathing fire, you guys.  Pure fucking fire.  I tell 911 to get somebody out quick before the kid leaves, and just about 2 minutes after I hang up he does just that - we see him blast past our house in his truck and he’s gone, and then the police arrive about 3 minutes after.  I’m so mad I can’t see straight.  If they’d been able to see him in the state he was in, they’d have arrested him on sight.

Two squad cars (big SUV’s) pull up and block her driveway with full lights flashing, which makes me laugh because suddenly we’ve got neighbors coming outside to see what’s going on.  I meet the officers outside, and the crazy bitch next door does the same, yelling “Hello Officer!” and waving to them as they’re coming up to my porch.

They talk to me and Tom for a long time, I tell them everything that happened, they interview Big (he and Little were inside the open door and heard it all), we fill out our statements and talk with them more until one officer goes next door to talk to neighbor.  We can hear her dripping her fake sugar and spice while they’re talking on her porch and my husband loses his shit - he heads toward her house and yells “We got the entire thing on recording, don’t even try to lie!  Your kid, threatening to kill my wife?!?”  (he’s referring to the camera in my bedroom window, which actually only recorded about 2 minutes because I don’t have it set up correctly yet, but they don’t know that). The officer yells at him to get back, which, yeah - he shouldn’t have done that, but for god’s sake the woman’s peckerhead son just literally threatened murder on a member of his family, this is the final fucking straw and he’s mad.  And as he’s coming back across the yard the officer that stayed with me points at our new doorbell camera, just freshly installed as of about two weeks ago, and asks if it’s on.  We haven’t even really figured out how to use it yet, but yes, as far as we know it’s on.  The incident happened around the side of the house, but the doorbell records audio.

God bless technology.

I invite the officer inside the house and Tom gets his phone, pulls up the app for the doorbell, and starts skipping through the recording looking for the right timestamp.  Up till this point all they have is me saying the guy screamed a lot of abusive profanities at me and threatened to tear my head off, and they’re taking me serious but probably not that serious, you know?  Neighbors fight all the time, wars start over barking dogs, things get exaggerated, we’ve all seen the TV dramas.

Until Tom finds the segment on the footage and starts playing it to them on his phone.  It’s kind of quiet because we were a good distance away, but you can hear the guy screaming just like I said he was.  The officer asks if we have a speaker we can play it through so he can hear the words more clearly, because he needs proof of threat and that’s entirely in the words.

You guys, I’m tellin’ ya, sometimes you get a chance to fucking SHINE.  My husband is a musician and this cop is asking him if he’s got a good speaker.  So within minutes Tom’s got this huge venue-style amplifier designed for broadcasting music to the back wall of a freaking stadium pulled out into the livingroom and he’s hooking his phone up to it, and then he hits play and the other officer comes back from next door to join us and I can tell by the annoyed look on his face that neighbor bitch has likely charmed him and shed a plethora of persecuted tears and spewed her lies about how we’ve been harassing her forEVER and I think for a second that it’s a total loss now, he’s made his mind up in her favor.

And then...away we go.  Tom cranks the volume on the speaker and they both lean in to listen closely.

Just about a minute into the recording they have their proof - thugnuts screaming I WILL TEAR YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!!!

Both officers nod, close their notebooks, and the second officer makes a phonecall while the first one turns to me and says “That’s terroristic threatening and it’s a class C felony.  You’re going to need to go to the PA’s office with all the reports you’ve filed against them so far and all your evidence from tonight including that recording and hand it all to them.  They’re likely going to issue a no-contact so that he can’t interact with you ever again.”

This is a victory, but it’s just the first step, and I feel sickeningly disheartened that it’s all in my lap to do everything.  I want them to go demand his whereabouts from his mother and just go get his ass and haul him in.  But no, I have a ton of legwork to do now because these horrible people won’t fucking stop.

After several more minutes of me asking questions about what exactly we need to do and where we need to go, etc etc (I’m competent but I’m also fucking rattled, someone threatened to kill me tonight and I’m blanking hard on the instructions he’s giving me) they finally wrap it up and leave.  They’ve been in my house for a half hour waiting for me to finish filling out the report (I had to ask for more paper because honey I’m getting ALL the details in there) and I can just imagine how freaked out neighbor is when she sees what time they finally move their cars from in front of her driveway.

And now I’m coming down from the weird calm that I had through the entire event, and my heart feels like it’s going to EXPLODE.  I had heart surgery two months ago, do I need this??  The pathetic part is that I know now just how stupid those people are, and I know this won’t be the end from their side by any means.  We’ll start finding more stuff broken, or he’ll start climbing over the fence back at the back of the property to steal stuff from husband’s tool shed, or my tires will get slashed.  These people are that dumb and hateful, they proved it tonight.  He said if we had animals he would kill them, and then he made the same threat against me.  How stupid does a person have to be to stand there with his phone out recording himself ranting and making threats against a woman standing in her own yard in her pajamas?  Big tough man there.  And his mama grinning at me the whole time, telling me I’m crazy and she’s concerned for her own safety because of me, while her son is standing right behind her threatening my life.

I’m just...my god, I don’t even know what to think.  I thought people only acted like this in TV dramas, seriously.  I’ve seen some shit in my life but this particular brand of stupid has up till now evaded me, but now it’s been in my face and I’m sort of in shock.

I don’t like guns.  At ALL.  Tom has always had at least one hidden carefully away, safely locked up away from the house, but now there are two inside my house in immediate grabbing range.  He insisted that I let him show me how to use them.  Rules were laid down for the boys - never touch, never, don’t even get close to them - and now there is a box of shotgun shells on my fireplace mantel and a singleshot rifle by the door.  I hate this so damn much.

Don’t pick it up unless you’re ready to use it, he told me.  Without even thinking, I said back, “If I touch it it’s getting used.”

I HATE THIS SO FUCKING MUCH

My god.  I told the cops that the drug lord that lived over there four years ago was a better neighbor than this woman.  They didn’t even laugh.

I guess they’re right, now that I think about it...it isn’t funny.

[theotherace]

@omegansamurai​ said this: 

when I asked for request, and I don’t know what the hell happened, but it turned into the sappiest shit I’ve ever written. Hope you still like it at least a litte, because I’m not sure how much I like it. Sorry it took so long. 

ao3 | ff.net 

----

[102 AG]

Toph ... was a girl.

He'd known that, of course.

Kinda.

The first vision of a giggling girl, jumping from branch to branch, eluding him, had quickly vanished after he'd seen her blow her opponent out of the ring without much effort, after he'd realized just how ... not fragile she was.

(Because she'd always been able to knock him over, despite being half a head shorter than him back then, and almost a full one right now.)

But now ...

Looking at her ...

He felt a blush creep up his neck, his ears burning.

He couldn't usually see her face like this, maybe that was it – with her bangs pulled back, it was free for him to marvel at, dark eyebrows drawn together and lips, painted red just for tonight, twisted into a frown, her slim nose crinkled in annoyance. And her eyes were defiant.

He wondered what she was listening to and was glad to not be the man standing next to her.

Aang started when an arm was slung around his shoulders, but when he looked up, his gaze was met by Sokka's ocean eyes, sparkling with mirth.

"Watcha looking at?", the young warrior grinned.

Aang flushed a deeper shade of red.

"... nothing."

"Toph's looking pretty tonight, huh?" 

[109 AG]

"You've got dirt on your nose", Aang panted, fully aware that he was caked in dust and half-dried mud himself, a tear in his new pants – and he really should've known better than to wear those today, should've known better than to challenge Toph Bei Fong while in his shiny new trousers.

She smirked and wiped the sweat of her brow.

He tried to swallow past his hammering heart.

"Do I now?"

Maybe the rip in his pants leg was worth this.

To look at her now, basking in the knowledge that she'd forever be the superior earthbender between them, raven hair escaping the bun it had been tied into by practiced hands this morning, glowing from within and under the bright midday sun.

"Yeah, you do."

And she was breathing deeply, too, her toes digging into the earth she commanded so easily, looking oh so very alive, so very ... in her element, captivating, breathtaking, and Spirits, he wanted to kiss her more than he wanted to do anything else, dirt on her nose, tear in his pants, and never let go of her again.

She cocked her head to the side.

He swallowed again, harder this time. 

[112 AG]

"Help me up", Toph said (almost-whined, and he smiled) from where she sat next to Appa's paw, one hand resting on her stomach, the other stretched towards him, fingers wiggling insitently.

(He hadn't know they could do that, until just now.)

"And stop grinning like that."

Aang bit his lip, just for a moment, before he threw his bag onto Appa's saddle and walked over to her.  

"I'm not grinning", he laughed, then grabbed her hand, small and calloused and fitting perfectly into his much bigger one. "Gimme your other hand, c'mon."

She pushed her bottom lip forward, and he couldn't help but think that she was adorable.

"Laughing at me!"

"I'm not–"

"My own husband!"

"–your husband."

Which wasn't how he'd planned to end that sentence.

And he was still chuckling.

"Maybe I'll just stay here."

"Like I'd let you." 

[120 AG]

She was ... etheral.

And his heart beat in his chest, a little too quickly, and his mouth was dry, his palms were sweaty, when she beamed at him, absolutely radiant, the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid eyes upon.

Somewhere, distantly, a grinning voice said words that meant everything and nothing at all, but he had trouble concentrating on anything but Toph, her head tilted a little to the right, bangs tucked behind her ears just for now, and the smirk that pulled on her lips when they sparred, when the children managed to prank him, when he called her Sifu in a low, low voice, had melted into the most sincere of smiles.

And her hands in his were the only thing that made this feel real, made him feel real, let him know that he wasn't dreaming.

Her thumb ghosted over his knuckles.

He sniffled. 

[140 AG]

The little boy grasped for long strands of hair that refused to lose colour.

On his grandmother's face lay a peaceful smile, and her eyes were soft, as they only ever were when a child's hand slipped into hers, when he kissed her forehead in quiet moments, when they were with their friends and nobody was looking, and Aang blinked, and the world felt a little weird, because his wife was holding their first grandchild.

And the smile on her lips made her look younger than they'd ever be again.

And she couldn't help but think how very lucky he was to sit beside her.

"Can you believe this?", she mumbled.

"I can't", he replied, without taking his eye of her face.

She traced the child's features with a delicate finger.

He touched his tiny toes.

"Hey there, Metok." 

[168 AG]

"You're beautiful", he said.

She didn't lift her head, didn't even crack an eye open – and why would she, he thought –, but he saw her mouth twitch into a smile, small and tired.

"Go to sleep, you sappy old man", she mumbled into her pillow.

"You're beautiful", he repeated, because she was, and in fifty-nine years of loving her, of being in love with her, he hadn't grown tired of looking at her – sometimes, he still felt like that fourteen-year-old boy realizing for the very first time how pretty his friend had grown to become.

(Had always been.)

"You're senile", she replied with a yawn.

"You're beautiful", he said once more, a soft, soft smile on his face, and she reached out a wrinkly hand to cover his mouth; he pressed a kiss to her palm.

"Love you, too, Twinkle Toes."

[m1xedju1ce]

Turbo's "speech"

You all. Every one of you. My legion, my friends, my tribe. I see you. I know your names and I know your heart. I know who puts in an honest day’s work. And I know who slacks the system. You know it, too. You know who you are. I SEE YOU. And it’s to you, I say, I’m lowkey-not-lowkey ballistic. You trust me to give you everything, yeah. food, shelter, warmth, weapons, leadership, safety. Even a beer every now and then. And in return you know what I ask? It’s pretty fuckin simple. I ask you don’t murder-kill me. That’s how this shit is supposed to work. Fair exchange, right? I mean, after everything I’ve built here? Look around you. This is our school. Our public school. And public school takes in anybody. I take in anybody. There’s always a seat for you on my bleachers. Doesn’t matter your former tribe. Doesn’t matter who you used to be. You’re safe here. I’m the eye in the Hurricane Nuclear Fallout. I’m the SPF 120 protecting you from the heat-blast sun. and once it sets, I’m the only warm blanket you got on these bitter-ass nights. I give you all this, and I ask the simplest thing in return. Loyalty. Loyalty and trust. Loyalty and trust and like an inch of respect maybe. But mostly loyalty. And would it seriously hurt you to pick up trash every once in a while. This place is a mess. And it’s starting to smell like foot cheese. Again: I SEE YOU. A quarterback can’t make epic plays without knowing where every single lineman and running back and receiver is. Same here, with you.

My job is impossible without lieutenant and soldier and kitchen scut right down on the line is doing their fucking job. Vibe me? Am I getting through? Well guess what? Y’all betrayed me. Why? I didn’t build all this so you fucks could just take it from me. No way. You don’t own this. The second you think you do is the second you make it toxic. I’m reminded of the immortal words of that guy who said whoha in “Any Given Sunday,” “I don’t know what to say really. Three minutes to the biggest battle of our professional lives all comes down to today. Either we heal as a team or we are going to crumble. Inch by inch. Play by play. Till we’re finished. We are in hell right now, gentlemen, believe me and we can stay here and get the shit kicked out of us or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb out of hell. One inch, at a time. Now I can’t do it for you. I’m too old. I look around and see all these young faces and think, I mean, I made every wrong choice a middle age man could make. I uh… I pissed away all my money believe it or not. I chased off anyone who has ever loved me. And lately, I can’t even stand the face I see in the mirror. You know when you get old in life things get taken from you. That’s, that’s part of life. But, you only learn that when you start losing stuff. You find out that life is just a game of inches. So is football. Because in either game, life or football the margin for error is so small. I mean one half step too late or too early you don’t quite make it. The half second too slow or too fast and you don’t quite catch it. The inches we need are everywhere around us. They are in every break of the game, every minute, every second.

On this team, we fight for that inch. On this team, we tear ourselves, and everyone around us, to pieces for that inch. We CLAW with our fingernails for that inch. Cause we know when we add up all those inches that’s going to make the difference between WINNING and LOSING. Between LIVING and DYING. I’ll tell you this in any fight it is the guy who is willing to die who is going to win that inch. And I know if I am going to have any life anymore it is because, I am still willing to fight, and die for that inch because that is what LIVING is. The six inches in front of your face. Now I can’t make you do it. You gotta look at the guy next to you. Look into his eyes. Now I think you are going to see a guy who will go that inch with you. You are going to see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team because he knows when it comes down to it, you are gonna do the same thing for him. That’s a team, gentlemen and either we heal now, as a team, or we will die as individuals. That’s football guys. That’s all it is. Now, whattaya gonna do?” yeah. That’s right. I memorized the whole speech. Took me a whole year. but, I did it. I also memorized the speeches from “Hoosiers” and “Remember the Titans” and “Rocky IV” and “Cool Runnings” and “The Mighty Ducks” and “She’s The Man” and “High School Musical” and “Friday Night Lights,” both the movie and the television series. So I know about inspiration. I’ll tell you a story. It’s something I didn’t understand at first but now I’m coming around to it. It’s a story my dad told me. There was this guy who used to make vases. I don’t know what they call that? A vaser? Maybe? No. that’s wrong. A sculptor. I guess that could be right. A potter? Maybe a potter? I wonder if that’s why the kid is named Harry Potter? Because he made magic. Like made it. What was I saying? Potter? The vase! Right.

These vases were beautiful things. And check this out… the guy would wrap an entire vase in horsehair – then put it in his kiln. The horsehair would burn off and leave these black, charred scars. But to get the horsehair, the guy would have to pluck it straight from a stallion’s tail. How baller is that? Every time he did, that stallion would buck. The vase-maker, vaser, potter – he was pretty good at dodging the kick, ‘cause he  knew it was coming. But more than once, that horse would get him. Knocking him in the face and shoulder. Nasty shit. He still had rolling shards of broken bone you could feel, where the horse shattered his clavicle. But Christ in a halo, it was worth the pain. Those vases,  man. I know you think I’m a dumb jock, but I can appreciate a thing like that. well, I look at you all, and I think that’s what I have here. You’re the bucking horse. I’m the sculptor. And the beautiful vase is all this, Glendale High. Look what we have. but, you fuckers broke the vase. And I’m not sure we can ever glue this thing back together. But I’m gonna try. I’m really gonna fucking try.

[child-of-sunshine]

Just gotta rant for a minute so this is going under a cut

I can’t stand the way tumblr in general talks about “rich people” (which they can’t define to save their fucking lives) and particularly when they mention “millionaires” as though it actually means something significant in terms of wealth. 

First, no one seems to understand that by today’s inflated standards, a million dollars really isn’t that much. A quick google search will tell me that the average “middle-income” parent in America will spend over 250k to raise a child from birth to 18 years old. If a couple has 4 kids, they’re already spending over a million dollars on those kids. Yes, that’s over 18 years, but it’s still meaningful.

If a person makes 100k, which is supposedly the 85th percentile of income, it only takes them 10 years to make a million dollars. And yes, obviously they’re spending money too, and it’s not like their savings or their net worth are going to be a million in that time, but people don’t even seem to comprehend that their earnings over that time would literally be a million. Someone earning the average American income, let’s say 50k because I get conflicting information from various sources, would only take 20 years to earn a million dollars.

And calling “millionaires” (putting that in quotes because people (a) do NOT understand the difference between net worth and actual liquid assets or even income) rich, particularly in the context of the “eat the rich” rhetoric, is ridiculous. I know this site has a serious problem with black-and-white thinking, but for fuck’s sake.

Let’s take a look at my parents.

My dad grew up in a relatively low-income household. His mother’s grandparents came straight from Italy with a few dollars in their pockets and nothing else. Her family struggled to get food on the table at times. She worked very hard as a seamstress and married a man who had a good job at Ford back when that meant actual benefits including into retirement, and so they managed to raise two boys without having to worry too much about being able to afford food or housing. They saved like crazy and spent the minimum that they possibly could on themselves, so that when they reached retirement, they had a pretty decent amount of savings for the rest of their lives and could finally enjoy some luxury vacations and get a small but nice house in Florida.

My mom grew up in a truly low-income household. She was the youngest of five siblings living in a tiny, shitty town in Nowhere, Michigan, with two parents who smoked constantly, in a house that sat next to some kind of horrifying mystery waste pond (she and both of her sisters had cancer, my mom at just 36, and one of her brothers died from some kind of unknown neurological deterioration). Her father got TB and spent time in a sanitarium, after which he became a withdrawn alcoholic and then died relatively young. Her mother became depressed, stopped working, and died of cancer. My mom lost both of her parents in her early 20s, before she even met my father.

Both of my parents were gifted with the great privileges of great brains and being white. Even in their crappy hick town in the middle of nowhere, my mom managed to be in the top of her class (of 56 whole people) in high school and earned a scholarship to a state university, literally the only way she could have afforded to attend. My dad worked to pay for his college as far as I know (because back then you could actually do that). They both got bachelor’s degrees. My dad became an engineer, a good career, and quickly found a job with a relatively new, small local company. He worked extremely hard, long hours for years and moved up to being a manager, and the company has grown a lot over the 25+ years he’s now worked there, with the result that he now makes a low six-figure salary. My mom took a computer programming course after realizing her journalism degree wouldn’t get her much paid work, and has worked as a programmer for 25+ years now, switching jobs sometimes, usually making somewhere in the 60-70k range in the last decade or so.

My mother got pregnant with my sister around the time she and my dad got engaged. She was working a crappy programming job and he’d barely started as an engineer, making nowhere near six figures. They lived in a trailer park, in a trailer with a hole in the floor and steps that were a safety hazard. She’d spent some time living with her sister, who’s 13 years older than her and never had children (thus had a house and some savings). My dad’s mother, the seamstress, made my mom’s wedding dress for free as long as my mom bought the material for it, which was just about all they could afford. They had a nice, small wedding when my sister was about 2 (she was afraid of my mom’s dress lmao) and one of my cousins took the pictures.

Four years after my sister was born, my parents had saved up enough to put a down payment on our house, a moderate-sized family home in a suburban neighborhood that was just being built. The house was a little over 200k. She got pregnant with me and the house was finished just after I was born.

My mom got cancer when I was 2 years old. They haven’t talked to me much about it. Her sister spent a lot of money to buy her a really nice wig made of animal hair (which, unfortunately, she could rarely wear because it made her very itchy). She went through surgery, chemo, and radiation. She spent months sick as hell and miserable, while trying to raise two young daughters. Thankfully, they’d saved enough to be able to handle the medical bills, particularly with my dad’s good job that had good benefits and, by then, was paying him a pretty decent salary. My mom recovered, thankfully (over 20 years in remission now!).

In 2008, when the recession hit, my mom lost her job quickly. She tried finding new ones but couldn’t. No one was hiring programmers, they were getting rid of them. Her depression got a lot worse. I was in high school and depressed myself (in large part because of the situation at home, though my parents don’t know it, that became suicidal depression a while afterward), and they had to start paying for therapy for me. My sister was in college and had to try to pay for it herself because my parents’ college fund for her hadn’t gone as far as they’d hoped. My dad’s company supplies machines to auto manufacturers. They were worried. They laid off some people, thankfully not my dad, and others had to take pay cuts. My parents started sitting down and seriously going over finances. My mom and I had to completely quit figure skating, my only physical stress outlet (like I said, that contributed a LOT to the severe depression). We had to cut down the grocery bills and think about not buying gifts for family members’ birthdays and such. My grandparents, happily retired by then with good savings, paid off the rest of our mortgage and told my dad to pay them back without interest whenever he could, so that no matter what happened with the jobs, we at least wouldn’t have to worry about losing our house. I listened to my parents scream at each other over money and I cried myself to sleep a lot of nights.

Guess what? My dad is a millionaire. Definitely not in liquid assets, but in net worth he probably just barely hits 1 million. He now makes a low six-figure salary and when the economy is doing okay, he invests some of it in the stock market, mostly in low-risk stocks that are guaranteed to have payouts (I don’t know a lot about this, so that’s all I’ll say). He inherited/learned his dad’s extreme money-saving ways and saves as much as possible. He’s an engineer and very handy, so whenever possible he does home and car repairs himself to save a lot of money. I managed to get a scholarship that covered almost all of my undergrad tuition, I lived at home for half of undergrad and all of med school to save money, I worked in retail in undergrad and as an EMT in med school to pay for some of my own stuff, and they didn’t pay for any of my med school tuition, so that’s it for their educational expenses for me. My mom’s had a good, stable job for the last few years that pays in the low 80k range, I think. We live in a house worth ~250k that we now fully own thanks to my grandparents. 

A few years ago, my dad’s brother bought a crappy, tiny, nearly-condemned cabin in the woods up north for about 20k (seriously, it was shit). He and my dad put in a few hundred dollars and a TON of time and manual labor to fix it up, and now we pay half the bills on it and both of our families use it for vacations. We have a small (19ft) boat that my dad bought as a gift for my mom when she had cancer--he got it extremely cheap from a guy who’d bought it, barely used it, and just wanted rid of it. It’s a 1994 and full of problems now, but we’ve managed to keep it going (barely, at times) and my dad has taken really good care of it over the years. A friend of my dad’s got him into snowmobiling about a decade ago and once his brother bought the cabin and they fixed it up, my dad got a cheap, crappy used snowmobile, which he used for a few years before reselling it and upgrading to an actually nice, new one, because yeah, he could afford it. He’s upgraded a couple times, good for him. When I actually have the time off, I go up with him in the winter and ride one of his old ones that he kept and fixed after it had an engine problem. It doesn’t cost much to renew the trail permits each year and I borrow my uncle’s gear for riding, so other than the initial cost of the sleds, it really costs us nothing to go riding (gas is extremely negligible in snowmobiles, they can go 120+ miles on a single 8 gallon tank, and we store them ourselves at the cabin so we don’t pay for that). We store the boat in our garage at home (like I said, it’s small) so other than the permit and gas for that when we take it out, again, really no continuous expense.

My parents pay all of their taxes without trying to do any bullshit work-arounds. They don’t have a lawyer or a tax accountant or a financial advisor, my dad does it all himself. He keeps track of all of our finances himself. We don’t pay a landscaping service or a cleaning service or any of that crap, we do it all ourselves like any other middle-class family. My mom donates regularly to charities for cancer, animal rescues, and injured veterans. 

But to tumblr, incapable of seeing nuance, we’re “one-percenters (absolutely nowhere near true) who own a house and have a ‘vacation home’ and a boat and recreational vehicles” so we’re pretty much just as bad as Bezos, because anyone who isn’t actively struggling to put food on the table or in horrible medical debt because of our disaster of a system is apparently “rich” and there’s no such thing as shades of gray.

[emblem-333]

Rebooking WrestleMania 35

What stays the same:

Kofi beats Bryan

Whatever else I didn’t care enough about to mention.

Brock Lesnar retains vs Seth Rollins

Why: Is Brock a good champion? No. He works very few dates and his best in-ring days are long gone. But give me him over Rollins as a Babyface. Rollins is a fine wrestler, one of the best in the WWE. However, his microphone skills are nonexistent and his feuds subsequent winning the strap from Lesnar have either been uninspiring or downright pathetic.

Still, there was a groundswell of support from fans eager to see the Universal Championship around the waist of a full timer once more. The secondary WWE title has had many misadventures. It’s inaugural champion Finn Balor suffered a legitimate shoulder injury and relinquished the belt the day after winning it at SummerSlam. WWE held a fatal-4-way match on Raw a week later between Kevin Owens, Roman Reigns, Big Cass, and Seth Rollins - the winner being Owens. He went on to hold the belt for nearly 200 days, but his reign came to a screeching halt when Goldberg returned and steamrolled him.

Since Owens ate a Goldberg spear, the belt spent nearly two-years around the waists PF part-timers. Frankly, I’ve forgotten it’s existed at points. To be honest, I was glad to see Rollins win initially for these reasons alone. Then came the night after ‘Mania, Rollins is in the middle of the ring out comes Triple H, his former rival who tried to derail his career... and they hug. THEY HUG. Instantly I get this feeling Rollins is a corporate backed champion packaged as a Babyface. While every WWE champion is a corporate champion at the very least give me the veneer Rollins isn’t a suck up behind the scenes by making him one during the show.

But the WWE is infatuated with themselves. They were so satisfied to have pulled off the angle and believed to have gotten Rollins over as a Babyface they couldn’t help but rub it in for all of us to see.

Lesnar, in hindsight, needed to remain champion. Rollins simply wasn’t the guy. But Vince McMahon isn’t going to put over someone like Samoa Joe- and let’s be honest, neither is Triple H or Stephenie. Whoever beats Lesnar has to be a creation of the WWE laboratory. If not Rollins, then there’s nobody on the Raw roster worth giving a look at.

If I was booking the WWE, I’d have Kurt Angle’s last match be against Lesnar and call it a night.

Sasha Banks and Bayley retain vs The IIconics, Nia Jax & Tamina, Beth Phoenix and Natalya

Why: The Women’s Tag Titles are the offspring of Bayley and Sasha’s constant lobbying. It is odd the women’s division does not have a tag championship in the first place. For all this talk of a “Women’s Revolution” and the idiotic elevation of “The Four Horsewomen” as if on par with “The Four Horseman,” the whole thing proves to be a farce despite the wrestlers being insanely talented and effective.

Heading into the eight women tag match the “Boss ‘n Hug Connection,” the inaugural champs had held the belts for 49 days. While their defense wasn’t something to write home about the whole point of their run was supposed to add legitimacy and mystic to the strap. Yeah, the IIconics are solid heels, but after winning the titles their reign didn’t last long either ending in 120 days before dropping them to Alexa Bliss and Nikki Cross, who later lost it to the current champions Asuka and Kairi Sane after their heel turn. (Why are the tag titles primarily held by heels?)

Just let Bayley and Sasha keep the belts. Since ‘Mania, Bayley’s won Money in the Bank, cashing in on Charlotte Flair and is still the champion today. Holding the belt for 197 of the last 202 days. The interim period occurred when Flair beat Bayley at Hell in a Cell. On the following Smackdown, Bayley returned for her rematch with a new look and a new attitude. The lovable hugger with a back bone became a chicken shit heel over night. Instantly undercutting months of booking. While she did get a main event slot at pay-per-view at Survivor Series, she was treated as an afterthought by many inside and out of the company. The morning after Shayna Baszler made Bayley submit, the WWE twitter account reminded fans that Baszler didn’t beat “The Man” a.k.a the champion they actually care about. (https://twitter.com/wwe/status/1198805122681147392?s=21)

It’s a damn shame how Bayley’s been booked. A complete waste of her character and even from the standpoint of solely caring about making money, WWE circumvented an avenue of revenue by turning her heel. Bayley’s whole character is designed to appeal to young kids, girls in particular. Changing her to someone who makes them cry is a fun thing to do on paper, but in actual practice is awful.

Batista def. Triple H

Why: Triple H is 46. He sucks as a Babyface and is a fraud. He should retire. He does the same goddamn thing every year where he wears a suit, acts as an authority figure and then takes the suit off because things have gotten serious. This happens every year. It’s beyond annoying.

Bobby Lashley retains vs “The Demon” Finn Balor

Why: Poor Finn. Never able to find his footing on the main roster. Such a big star at NXT putting on clinics against Samoa Joe and Kevin Owens. Ironically, neither of them have been properly booked since their NXT days came to a close. WWE has a habit of restraining their talent. Balor fell prey to this and his run as Intercontinental Champion wasn’t relevant and later would lose it to fellow roamer of purgatory Shinsuke Nakamura.

I don’t see a reality where Balor as I.C champion works out. He was a lukewarm, forgetful player on the main roster. It’s good he’s back at NXT. They let their talent express themselves a little more than WWE. Best thing for him.

The Main Event:

The main event between Ronda, Becky and Flair was.. okay. Nothing special. I was happy for Becky. Initially booked to turn heel after SummerSlam in 2018, her promo the night after Flair stole her title made her a star overnight and plans changed to have her turn Babyface and keep Flair heel. Despite numerous attempts by WWE to make Lynch a heel fans simply weren’t allowing it just so Flair could win another title. That didn’t stop them from giving Flair titles, but at least it won’t be at Becky’s expense anymore.

Why did this culmination of months long storytelling feel so underwhelming in its conclusion? Simply put, it wasn’t a good story. Every participant was an absolute fool and the WWE doesn't remember how to book Babyfaces anymore. Becky failed at the Royal Rumble losing to Asuka clean. Then hijacks the No. 30 spot in the rumble when there were more deserving candidates available. What makes matters worse is Asuka would have the rug pulled out from under her a week before WrestleMania losing the belt to Flair. So why bother having her retain against Lynch and making things more complicated?

Following the rumble, Flair and Lynch battled for the right to go to WrestleMania. Despite being cleared to compete weeks before the PPV she still entered the ring on crutches and got the crap beaten out of her before Rousey inexplicably crashed the party, got Flair DQ'd and doubled the chances of her losing her title making the match a triple-threat.

The main event of WrestleMania didn’t need to be a triple-threat. It didn’t need Charlotte. And most certainly didn’t need to have both belts on the line. You had an actual fighter in Ronda Rousey and someone from the wrestling world who took an actual punch to the face, broke her nose and suffered a concussion so both participants had credibility entering.

In my eyes, the WWE could’ve done the following, dominate the headlines for their inclusivity, make everyone who needed to look good look good, and not marginalize Asuka in the process:

Becky Lynch def. Asuka for Smackdown Women’s Title at the Royal Rumble, Flair wins the rumble:

Asuka submits to the “Dis-Arm-Her” and Lynch is once again on top of the world after being unceremoniously knocked off by Nia Jax. Flair wins the rumble, and demands both belts are on the line to prove she’s the “Queen.” Both parties oblige and volià! There’s your WrestleMania main event done without unnecessary detours.

Or

Asuka retains vs Becky Lynch, faces Mandy Rose and Sonya Deville in a triple-threat for the title; Banks wins vs Rousey, Ronda is the one to enter No. 30 into the rumble and turning heel in the process.

Pushing Flair to the side here. She’s had enough moments in the spotlight and she’ll have tons more. Being omitted from me, WrestleMania isn’t the end or the world. This year belonged to Becky and Ronda. Let them have the spotlight.

I kind of think a Ronda heel turn would have worked if they paired her up with Paul Heyman. Would’ve made sense since she isn’t much of a talker and is from the ultimate fighting background as Lesnar. But that’s far too simple! And we can’t forget about The Queen. Heavens, no!

Sasha Banks wins vs Rousey; Flair wins the rumble. Lynch vs Rousey has no belt on the line. Banks vs Flair for ‘Mania:

Oooh, this is probably my worst take, but c’mon the Becky Two Belts story didn’t really lead to anything besides Bayley’s revival when a simple win over whoever was champion at the time would’ve done the trick.

Sasha Banks and Ronda had a very nice battle for the Raw Women’s Title. Perhaps the best match of Ronda’s one year stint in the WWE. If anyone doubts Banks’ in-ring capabilities, tell them to look at how she guides the green Rousey through the match. Booking Banks to win the title is a risky proposition. Ronda built a mystic of being unbeatable. A real fighter. Not a fake entertainer pumping ‘roids. Beating her essentially undos all of that. I guess Banks’ could have turned heel here and used a chair when the referee is unconscious and smashed it over Ronda’s head knocking her out of commission for a couple of weeks.

Anyways, Banks defends the title versus Flair. Asuka defends vs Sonya Deville and Mandy Rose; Becky Lynch and Ronda Rousey have an old fashioned grudge match settled at ‘Mania. How’s that for inclusivity? Why aren’t I working for the WWE? Is it because my ideas suck and have no basis in reality? Probably.

[thesportssoundoff]

Keeping up with my Yankees centric MLB preview, I wanted to continue onward and take a long look at the trade market the Yankees may be waddling into. Over the past two seasons, the Yankees have done most of their damage via trades both as it pertains to shedding unwanted salary, clearing 40 man space (Caleb Smith and Garrett Cooper to Michael King) and making big fish splash trades like Giancarlo Stanton and James Paxton. The Yankees have opted to make deals in large part because it's cheaper but also because they are just flat out good at it. So good in fact that it was reported toward the trade deadline that teams were absolutely going to get Brian Cashman to overpay because they didn't want to be the latest team to give up something for nothing. So if Brian Cashman opts to upgrade through trades, here are some names to keep in mind as we go through the late fall/early winter*

*As an aside, no Syndergaard, no DeGrom, no Bauer, no Kluber and no Lindor. For starters, I just don't see those deals as being remotely possible so I'm not going to waste keystrokes. Beyond that? I mean WE also all know WHY those deals make sense for the Yankees would be a barrel of fun so why waste time? They'd be amazing additions to any team let alone this one.

1. SP Robbie Ray, Arizona Diamondbacks 12-8 4.34 ERA 174 innings pitched 12.13 K/9 4.34 BB/9 98 ERA-

In a very chippy and controversial post season presser, Brian Cashman stated plainly that the people they were aiming at the deadline ultimately didn't get traded. We know for a fact that one of the guys that the Yankees chased up until the deadline was Diamondbacks arm Robbie Ray. According to Jon Heyman and other NY media members, the trade fell short when the Diamondbacks asked for a FOUR player package headlined by Clint Frazier. My guess is that the Yankees and Diamondbacks are going to circle back around to one another and the winter meetings will be ripe with Ray to the Yankees rumors. Robbie Ray is not the answer if you're chasing down a stud ace starter. He's a less talent but still quite good version of James Paxton. Let's discuss the positives; Robbie Ray is a strikeout machine who was somewhat fluked by the juiced ball in 2019. His xFIP is a full point lower than his actual ERA which suggests some flukiness. He was third in the MLB in K's per 9 innings and at 234 strikeouts, would easily give the Yankees a power lefty arm they yearn for. He's under contract until 2021 and is still on the right side of 30 which matters because Severino could be the only starter on the rotation now who is around beyond next year. The downside is that giving up assets for a guy who doesn't solve your desire/hunger for a #1 starter isn't normally wise business. Severino, Tanaka, Paxton and Robbie Ray is a really good top 4 in your rotation but it's not the sort of rotation you can trumpet out vs Houston's or even on the same level as Cleveland's top 3 of Klueber, Corrasco and Bieber. Ray also has crazy walk totals and like most power pitches he tends to give up flyball contact at a relatively spooky rate. Also could dude shave his beard in time before pitchers and catches report? That shit looks like it'll take a while.

2. SP Matt Boyd, Detroit Tigers 9-12 4.56 ERA 185.1 innings pitched 11.56 K/9 2.43 BB/9 98 ERA-

Sticking with the names and faces we know of that didn't get dealt, Matthew Boyd! The Yankees apparently checked in on Boyd a few times and Detroit figured the best way to start negotiations was with Gleyber Torres. Because idiocy exists in Michigan seemingly. To his credit, Boyd decided to "reward" the Tigers down the stretch for their view on him with a 5.55 ERA and a .505 slugging percentage against. With elevated walk rates and elevated contact overall, Boyd was pretty terrible in the 2nd half. The good news is that he throws for power, is under 30, has crazy K rates and is under contract into 2023. He is worth a lot if you buy into the upside but worth a whole lot less if you take in the totality of the circumstances. he was slightly better away from Detroit and the fact that he pitched to softer contact on the road might have some pitching coach figuring it's just a desire to get out of a dead situation. It would also be fair to note that every team trading for a Tigers pitcher is going to remember how they jerked around teams on Michael Fulmer only for him to completely fall apart. Matthew Boyd is the ultimate gamble; ridiculous stuff, amazing K rate, good walk rate and a penchant for loud hits with a terrible second half to send him. My guess is Detroit would probably like to hold onto him until the trade deadline and then reconsider things.

3. RP Ken Giles, Toronto Blue Jays 1.87 ERA 23 saves 53 innings pitched 14 K/9 2.41 BB 41 ERA- 1 flat WHIP

The final name on our Trade Deadline targets from July. Apparently of the three names above, the Yankees were closest on Ken Giles as an added bullpen arm before something in the medicals spooked them. Giles had a great year in Toronto and was a quality-ish arm for Houston before falling off the map and losing his confidence, eventually getting swapped out for maligned Roberto Osuna. If Chapman opts out, it's worth noting that Giles is probably going to do around 8 to 10 mil or so through arbitration which would put him below Britton and Ottavino in  the financial totem pole. The guy who runs Toronto also was in Cleveland when they drafted Clint Frazier so clearly they have a comfort there on their end. Britton can close and Giles can be your 8th inning guy.

4. SS Nick Ahmed, Arizona Diamondbacks .254/.316/.437 19 HR 82 RBI 79 runs scored 93 OPS+ 92 wRC+

The general thought process is that if Didi leaves, the Yankees will just shift Gleyber Torres to shortstop full time, put DJ at 2B and have Gio and Voit round out the infield. In that case they probably will want somebody who can rotate around at a variety of spots in the infield to keep everybody fresh aka the same role they had in mind for DJ LeMehieu when they signed him. If they want a more traditional shortstop and use DJ/Gleyber/Gio as a trio of rotating infielders (or play DJ at 1st) then Nick Ahmed might make a lot of sense as a trade option. Going back to names from the past, the Yankees have inquired on Ahmed in the past; once as a potential 2B (the role went to Neil Walker) and once as a fill in for Didi when he had TJS. Ahmed had his career best year which is still noway near Didi's peak years BUT his glove is world's away better than Didi's peak years so that's the trade off.

5. 1B Daniel Vogelbach, Seattle Mariners .208/.341/.439 30 HR 76 RBI 79 runs scored 112 OPS+ 111 wRC+

The original plan in 2019 was a Greg Bird/Luke Voit platoon gig at 1st and DH. It didn't work out that and to his credit, Voit took the job and ran with it for the first half of the year. In the 2nd half, injuries and a lack of confidence in his ability to read the zone led to Voit being off the playoff roster. He's got all of the tools to be a really good hitting 1st baseman (less about the defense said then the better) but Voit remains a "Yeah but" for the Yankees. He's too good on paper to not make the team but too question marked filled at this point to be a reliable set it and forget it starter at 1st. Daniel Vogelbach falls into a similar boat as Luke Voit; both see a lot of pitches, both hit for power, both are cost controlled and both struggled in the 2nd half down the stretch. Vogelbach isn't great shakes defensively which would give the Yankees a sketchy lefty-righty platoon with bad defense but the pop and the OBP skills are tremendous and well worth considering if Vogelbach is not considered a key part of the Mariners rebuild. The argument could/should be made that the Yankees already have a Daniel Vogelbach in waiting in Mike Ford though.

6. SP Jose Quintana, Cubs 13-9 4.56 ERA 181 innings pitched 8.0 K/9 2.4 BB/9 107 ERA-

Went over this one elsewhere. For a Yankees staff that really could use the innings, Jose Quintana would provide a reliable somewhat affordable (at 11 mil) innings eater with upside. His stuff was basically the same as usual (he K'd a bit less than usual) and figures to have some bounceback ability especially if the balls are untreated this year.

7. DH Kyle Schwarber, Cubs .250/.339/.531 38 HR 92 RBI 82 runs scored 120 OPS+ 120 wRC+

So as previously stated; if Brian Cashman wants you then chances are he'll find a way to go and get you eventually. In 2016, Cashman went toe to toe with the Cubs in an attempt to get Kyle Schwarber for Aroldis Chapman. It didn't work out and apparently they tried again for the stretch run in 2017 as well. When the Yankees lineup was being wiped out with injuries, they went out and got a DH in Edwin Encarnacion with the belief being that they could hit their way by teams with no upgrades to the rotation. It didn't quite work out in the playoffs but Encarnacion was very reliable for the Yankees last year. Could the Yankees jump on a potential Cubs soft rebuild by grabbing Schwarber and using him as an occasional outfielder but mostly full time DH who mashes lefties and provides balance at the top of the line up between the likes of Stanton, Judge and Gleyber? Schwarber is an abysmal defender who mashes and then some but cannot hit lefties for the life of it. The price would probably be high despite his warts because he's still relatively cost effective and lefty power is always in demand.

8. RP Blake Treinen, Oakland Athletics 4.91 ERA 16 saves 58.2 innings pitched 9.1 K/9 5.6 BB/9

If the Yankees have to go and find some additional bullpen arms, they might find a friend out in Oakland. Blake Treinen was superb in 2018 and despite having similar peripherals for most of 2019, the results were way worse. EVEN accounting for regression to the mean, this was a hell of a decline for Treinen who ended the year on IL. At 31 years old and likely at an elevated (by bullpen standards) cost, the Yankees could take a low risk high reward flier on Treinen.

[junker-town]

Which NFL team is truly the most dysfunctional?

The Jets fired their GM weeks after the draft. The Raiders’ organizational chart is just a bowl of Skittles.

Poorly run franchises are a proud NFL tradition. A combination of messy management and bad luck can sink a team to the bottom of its division and keep it there for years to come. And no team is immune; the dynastic runs of the Patriots and Cowboys came only in the wake of years upon years at the top of the draft.

The trend is alive and well in 2019. The Jets fired their general manager less than three weeks after he made the team’s selections at the NFL Draft. The Giants have spent that same stretch defending GM Dave Gettleman’s decision to draft zero-time All-ACC honoree Daniel Jones with the No. 6 pick. The Raiders’ brain trust is P.F. Chang’s most loyal customer, that guy from Monday Night Football you used to mute, and the draft analyst who thought orangutans were making a mockery of the sport.

But who is truly the most dysfunctional franchise this season?

The Giants are a shit hurricane

I feel badly for Pat Shurmur. Every time the touted offensive mind raises his stock high enough to slide back into head coaching consideration, he gets poached by a team in a hopeless situation. It happened in 2011 with the Cleveland Browns, and now it’s happening again in New York.

The Giants currently have no idea what to do with Eli Manning, the 38-year-old who is either going to be immediately replaced by Daniel Jones or start for the next two or three years instead — Gettleman isn’t sure yet. They let All-Pro safety Landon Collins leave in free agency with nothing but a likely compensatory pick in return. They shipped All-Pro wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. to the Browns in exchange for a safety to replace him and the No. 17 overall pick — a pick that made Gettleman’s decision to take Jones in the top 10 even more frustrating. They then used that 17th selection to select Dexter Lawrence, who replaces Damon Harrison ... who Gettleman traded away for a fifth-round pick last fall.

New York has taken a shotgun-blast approach to ship out existing stars and replace them with debuting lottery tickets. But the past year suggests any homegrown talent won’t stay for long in the belly of a franchise that’s unable to move in any one direction before spinning out, turning around, and spectacularly detouring back to mediocrity. — Christian D’Andrea

J-E-T-S, JETS! JETS! JETS!

It’s been 50 years since the Jets’ lone Super Bowl win (and appearance). They haven’t made the playoffs in nearly a decade, and they’ve finished at the bottom of the AFC East four out of the last five seasons.

When Todd Bowles was fired at the end of the 2018 season, it would’ve been logical to let general manager Mike Maccagnan go too.

Instead, the Jets let the guy who used a second-round pick on Christian Hackenberg to stick around and hire the next head coach. He chose Adam Gase, who finished with a losing record in three years in Miami and elicited an extremely “don’t let the door hit you on the way out” reaction from Dolphins players when he was axed.

Maccagnan then handpicked the newest Jets players, spending $120 million in free agency — sometimes to the objection of Gase — and drafting the rookies who will wear the team’s CFL-looking jerseys.

Fast forward a couple weeks and everyone is pointing and laughing at the Knicks for not winning the Zion draft lottery. A day later, that’s when CEO Christopher Johnson decided the Jets needed our attention again for all the wrong reasons and fired Maccagnan.

Now, team is in the hands of Gase, who has the wild-eyed lunacy of Dennis Hopper in, well pretty much everything, but especially those Nike commercials from the early 90s:

That came a few months after:

Chris Johnson says he would not hire a head coach who demanded total control #Jets

— Geoff Magliocchetti (@GeoffMags5490) December 31, 2018

And a couple days after:

Adam Gase: Rumor about rift with Jets GM Mike Maccagnan “pisses me off.” Story: https://t.co/Zl9x8unyio pic.twitter.com/XUfrIpspV1

— Manish Mehta (@MMehtaNYDN) May 10, 2019

And a couple hours before Gase’s first big move as interim GM was to trade 2016 first-round pick Darron Lee to the Chiefs for ... a sixth-round pick? Yikes.

Oh, and now Le’Veon Bell and C.J. Mosley both know their new coach doesn’t think they’re worth the money they were paid.

Even if reports are true, that won’t stop me from doing what I came here to do...everyone has a job to do, and I’m gonna do mine whether peopIe “like” me or not. I’m here to win football games.

— Le'Veon Bell (@LeVeonBell) May 16, 2019

And they’re taking cues from the Raiders?!

Just months after NFLN Draft Analyst Mike Mayock took the Raiders’ GM job, his replacement Daniel Jeremiah is under serious consideration for a prominent front-office position with the NY Jets, per sources. NFLN Draft Analyst job has become breeding ground for front-office jobs.

— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) May 15, 2019

They could’ve let the Giants and Knicks battled for New York’s dumpster fire crown. But nope. That dishonor belongs to the Jets, a team that birthed The Buttfumble and had Bill Belichick as its head coach for one day before he went to New England to begin his dynasty. Bravo. — Sarah Hardy

The Bengals? More like the Bungles

The Bengals have to be on the Mount Rushmore of cheap sports franchises. For a team that drafts relatively well, they really struggle to retain some of their top talent.

Let’s rewind the clock back to 2015. The Bengals had one of the best offenses in the league. Andy Dalton finished second in the league in passer rating, Cincinnati was ranked seventh in points per game, and the Bengals won the AFC North with a 12-4 record.

Unfortunately, Dalton got injured and the Bengals ended up losing in the Wild Card Round to the Steelers, continuing their decades-long playoff winless streak. That offense was loaded with players. Andrew Whitworth, Kevin Zeitler, Mohamed Sanu, and Marvin Jones were key cogs on that playoff team. None of them are still on the team.

Letting Whitworth and Zeitler walk in free agency was especially confusing. Whitworth has been one of the best left tackles in the NFL over the past decade and was a fan favorite. After the Bengals lowballed him, he signed with the Los Angeles Rams prior to the 2017 season and has still been a shutdown left tackle.

Zeitler was the Bengals’ first-round pick in the 2012 NFL Draft and became everything they could want in a guard: a monster in the run game and the pass game. But Cincinnati just refused to pay him and he ended up signing a five-year, $60 million deal with the rival Cleveland Browns.

What happened next was fairly predictable. The Bengals were unable to replace two stud offensive linemen and their offense immediately fell off a cliff. They were eventually able to help fill the void left by Sanu and Jones with Tyler Boyd, but they haven’t been able to replicate that 2015 success.

When you have extremely talented players, open up the checkbook for them — especially when you have the cap space to do it, and the Bengals almost always do. — Charles McDonald

The Jaguars blew their only Super Bowl window in a decade

The Jaguars have never had a great quarterback. You might be saying, “Hey what about Mark Brunell? David Garrard?” but calling them anything more than “OK” is a stretch. When Blake Bortles threw 35 touchdowns in 2015, he destroyed the franchise record for touchdown passes in a season by 12 freakin’ touchdowns.

There were 15 players in 2018 who would’ve had the second-most prolific passing season in franchise history if they were in a Jaguars uniform. That includes Baker Mayfield, who had 27 touchdowns as a rookie in only 13 starts.

Maybe their historical lack of success at the position is why they’re still so hilariously terrible at evaluating it. After a dominant defense and a powerful rushing attack got the team to the AFC Championship in January 2018, the Jaguars decided Bortles was worth a three-year, $54 million contract extension. Everyone who has watched Bortles play football laughed and — one year later — the quarterback was released, sticking the team with $16.5 million of self-inflicted dead cap space.

The solution to the problem — in Jacksonville’s eyes — was giving Nick Foles a four-year, $88 million deal. That mammoth deal that includes $50 million guaranteed came despite the fact that there were no other significant suitors for Foles. According to Mike Garafolo, the Jaguars paid him that much because “they need Foles to walk in there and be the leader” and were worried he wouldn’t get the same respect at a lower salary. Smart!

Is Foles worth that much? Nope. He’s inconsistency personified with a passer rating at 96 or higher in three seasons and a rating below 82 in four seasons. He posts outstanding completion percentages by being arguably the best passer of all time at checking down well short of a first down.

The Jaguars could’ve drafted Patrick Mahomes or Deshaun Watson in 2017. Lamar Jackson was on the board in 2018, and they could’ve gone after Dwayne Haskins or Drew Lock this year. Instead, Jacksonville’s first bit of relevance in the last decade is circling the drain because of the team’s staggering inability to find a worthwhile quarterback. — Adam Stites

The Chokeland Raiders, amirite?

The NFL is much more fun when the Raiders are good and able to be the bad guys. They make perfect villains. The problem is that the only people they’re terrorizing are their own fans (and the Steelers, once every other year or so, for some reason).

Reggie McKenzie was far from the best general manager in the NFL, but he inherited a Raiders team that was happily paying Richard Seymour and other veterans far too much money. The team was still recovering from bringing in guys like JaMarcus Russell (ahahaha) and Kwame Harris (AHAHAHAHA), and it had no first-, second-, third-, fourth-, or seventh-round draft picks for that year.

When McKenzie took over in 2012, the Raiders were more than $30 million over the salary cap thanks to the mismanagement of Al Davis, whose propensity to meddle and make poor decisions really hurt the team.

McKenzie purged the bad contracts, and slowly — very slowly — brought the Raiders around. He got rid of Hue Jackson, Seymour, Michael Huff, Darrius Heyward-Bey, and Rolando McClain. Carson Palmer was the face of the franchise for a while, a move that was made by Jackson before he was let go, but McKenzie eventually traded him. He then added standouts like Khalil Mack, Derek Carr, and Amari Cooper, bringing together a young core that would likely lead the Raiders back to contention.

Except it didn’t. The Raiders went 12-4 in 2016, with McKenzie being named Executive of the Year. But soon Mark Davis started butting in again, sacking Jack Del Rio and giving Jon Gruden a stupidly large contract ($100 million, if you forgot) and full control over the roster, making McKenzie redundant.

Gruden, a man who many believe was and still is stuck in the past, quickly dispatched with McKenzie and then proceeded to absolutely decimate the Raiders roster. Mack and Cooper were both traded, and instantly became stars for their new teams.

Now the Raiders have Gruden, a depleted roster severely lacking in young talent, and just turned three first-round picks into a “C” draft grade.

Oh, and I didn’t even talk about the absolute shitshow that was (and is) their relocation to Las Vegas. A terrible back-and-forth with the city of Oakland went nowhere, fans were misled, arguments over nothing occurred, and the Raiders are heading to Vegas next year. I’m sure they’ll be well-liked there — look at the Vegas Golden Knights — but it’s essentially twisting the dagger that’s been stuck in the hearts of Raiders fans for well over a decade now. — James Brady

[rouge-heichou]

And because Im bored I’ll just do the same shit as yesterday...

answering shit no one cares for. From that reblogged Meme thing. :3

Relationships

111- The last person you hugged? - My dad I believe, a month ago. 

112- Who was your first kiss with? - My sandbox best friend, called Mara.

113- Do you like kissing in public? - Depends. Some short peck, I don’t mind. Make out sessions? Hell no. Not a fan of PDA.

114- Have you ever kissed someone older than you? - Yes. 

115- You have a preference for boys or girls? - Women. 

116- Is the male or female body closest to perfection? - Females.

117- Do you believe in love at first sight? - No.

118- Do you believe in soul mates? - Maybe. 

119- What is your idea of the perfect date? - Pizza, and a good film at home.

120- Based on past relationships or crushes, describe your perfect boyfriend/girlfriend: - Ugh, tough one. I don’t really have any “standards” for someone “perfect”. But considering I’m a massive dork who can’t do anything alone, I just need and want someone who can kick muh butt every now and then. And since I’m also quite honest and harsh, someone who doesn’t bend to match my opinion on something. Basically just someone who has the balls to crush my massive balls lol. 

121- What is the first thing you noticed in someone? - I don’t really know. Haven’t really taken care of that, I care too much about how people receive me when first meeting.

122- Are looks important in a relationship? - To an extend, I’d say yes. 

123- What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? - Being hygienic. I hate when people don’t shower regulary because they think they don’t sweat. 

124- What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? - I’m rather tolerant with that. As long as someone isnt twice the age of their Partner, I don’t really care because I think it depends on their maturity Level. I’ve met 15 year olds that are more mature than some 20 year olds. 

125- Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? - Done that already. 

126- Five guys/girls whom you find attractive: - Mila Kunis. Mila Kunis. Mila Kunis. Mila Kunis. Adam Gontier.

127- Do you have a crush on anyone? - Yes.

128- A description of the girl/boy you like: - Well, he’s about 5′3 tall. Got black hair, “styled” as undercut. He has like, steel gray eyes and makes me question my sexuality.

129- Say 1 fact about the person your like: - He likes cleaning. 

130- If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? - I’d wish them good luck with that person. Although, heart would be shattered.

131- When was the last time you told someone you loved them? - genuinely and romantically, proooobably around 2pm at August 15th, 2016.

132- Do you think someone has feelings for you? - No. 

133- Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? - Nah.

134- Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? - Obviously.

135- Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? - For the entire past year. 

136- Anyone you’re giving up on? - The one I cried over for the past year. Finally.

137- Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? - Yes, Goge. 

138- Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? - Same guy as in 135 and 136.

139- Have you ever liked one of your best friends? - Yes, Goge lol

140- Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? - Yes.

141- Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? - Yeah, but platonic. 

142- Is there someone you will never forget? - Yes.

143- Say five ways to win your heart: confidence, honesty, memes, generally making me feel save, being able to actually deal with me for a long time lol.

144- What turns you on? Neck kissing. Neck kissing is my weakness. Butt grabbing too!

145- What turns you off? Kissing like, they’re gonna suck my teeth out of my mouth.

146- What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Neck kissing. Lots of neck kissing.

147- What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? - I was being bullied in school a lot. So my first crush ever (I was 12, he was 16), who took really great care of me, made them stop. He also fought my big brother when my brother was accusing him of being some disgusting pedophile, telling him that he doesn’t have any sexual intentions and that he just wants to help me out with the bullshit I was dealing with.

148- What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? - Dunno, surprise me.

149- Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Have you had one written for you? - No

150- What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? - My ex had some massive fight with some of his friends way before we started dating and he’d usually not talk about how much he missed his old friends, and that he really regrets what he did to cause that fight. So one evening, he was really sad about it, and told me he was crying for the first time in like forever. So I asked him if he wanted me to talk to his old friends, although I didn’t like most of them at all. He kept saying he doesn’t want me to do so, because those old friends and I had our differences in the past too. Eventually, when he went to sleep I secretly messaged one of his friends, explaining everything and get them to talk to him and like being friends again. He really was happy about that and I was happy that he was feeling better than this whole time before. 

151- Are you in love? - No.

152- Are you in a relationship? - No

153- If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? - Needa pass this one.

154- Are relationships ever worth it? - Yes.

155- Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? - I don’t get that one ;-;

156- Can you commit to one person? - Yes.

157- Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? - Lol yes. Did that already, too.

158- Do you ever want to get married? - I don’t need papers to be happy with someone.

159- Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? - No

160- Future names of your children: I’d be a terrible mother. I don’t want children at all. 

161- Do you get jealous easily? - Very

162- The last time you felt jealous, and why? - Ex was talking to his ex he was dating like, 2 years before our time, completely platonic.

163- What is your definition of cheating? - Intention or fulfilling of romantically/sexually interaction with someone that’s not their partner.

164- Have you ever been cheated on? - Yes.

165- Do you forgive betrayal? - Did it once. Was a big mistake. So no.

166- Have you ever cheated on someone? - Too loyal for dis.

167- Why did your last relationship fail? - Because I wasn’t over the relationship before that + terrible depression resulting in me feeling empty as fuck and I don’t like saying things I don’t mean. 

168- Things you want to say to an ex: - “Took me way too long to get over you.”

169- A description of the person you dislike the most: Dramaqueen.

170- If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? - Yes.

171- How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? Too many. 8.

172- How long was your longest relationship? - 2 years. 

173- You’ll love me if… tf is this, idgi

174- Share a relationship story: So, we start dating on April 7 last year, was some online thing, which I didn’t mind much, because I don’t really mind a lack of physical affection. He started out to be really sweet and loving, making me feel really good and all. Until eventually, he started firing against one of my closest friends. Jealousy started sparking, but I could deal with it, somehow. But soon enough he’d start treating me poorly. Joked about cheating on me, telling me I need to work out and not understanding why I felt quite bad about it. Telling me “Maybe I just don’t like you enough” in an all serious matter, not understanding that he just crashed my heart with that. Telling me he wants to break up, because I like Pokemon. Constantly telling me I got shitty friends. Generally making me really “small”. While I was totally out of my usual character, being extremely anxious, shy and too scared of losing him to actually speak up, like I usually would do. Still trying to defend him against my friends. Until we broke up, and he afterwards tried to get me to block him, because he didn’t want to hurt me further, and I just spoke out my entire mind for the first time in months, making him speechless. ; Dunno if that’s a “nice” relationship story.

[phantom-goat]

Today was bad bad bad

I accidentally slashed my own tyre (ran over a post on the ground) and I'd never changed a tyre by myself before so I had dad give me a quick run down over the phone but yeah. Called nrma, they were gonna be 90 minutes so I figured I'd do what I could and let them finish it. Somehow I changed the tyre myself :D Then it was time to go to work. Right before work though I get the massive text message from Monique accusing me of not paying rent (a year ago) and that because of that and me moving out (and subsequently not paying rent there anymore) she's now $120 behind. I went through my statements so I know that's utter bullcrap. She also accused me of paying $50 (that I said I would as a storage rent since the new place I'm in couldn't hope to hold all my stuff) after she sent a message this morning about rent. I sent it last night. Then there was the part of if I had actually moved out I basically wouldn't have left a trace of myself behind. 1) I'm literally paying you to store shit there. Something your own daughters have never even thought to do 2) when your daughters moved out they left the majority of their stuff behind, one of your daughters leaving all her stuff for us to move between houses because why should she? She doesn't live there? There was a part of her having no notice and that I'm expecting others to pick up my rent/left over bills. That part is also stupid (and false) because not only did she know over two weeks ago but she's also not losing my share of the rent. Why? Because her youngest conveniently moved back in the week I moved out. Not my problem that Monique is constantly letting her get away with not paying her full share of the rent. Oh yeah. And Monique always sends me messages in a group chat between myself, her and my dad. I feel like it's her way of trying to make out that she's always nice to me (when literally the only reason why she talks to me is to accuse me of breaking shit or owing her money) and that I'm rude back. But this message? Nope. This one she specifically sent just to me. And seeing as she last used the group chat this morning but last messaged just me months ago it's obvious it was intentional not to be seen by dad. So I screen shot it and sent it to him anyway. And told him all the reasons why this is bullshit and she'd never treat her own kids like this. He said he'd talk to her tonight as "you can't be sure of the tone people are using when it's through text". I don't know what came of that. THEN one of my friends who has decided that he's going to start reconnecting with all his friends he's been a dick to and been ignoring (he has yet to apologise for ignoring me on my birthday even though I specifically told him I was hurt and upset by it) decided that when he went and saw a mutual friend (ex friend) that he would tell her that we should reconnect. So in the midst of all this shit going on I get a message saying "hey, long time no see" Yeah. You're right. Because you fucking hurt me. You used the fact you knew I had a crush on you to drag me around and keep me from leaving you. Then you decided the friendships you'd made with people who literally would let you die rather than risk you being angry at them because they put you in hospital were worth more than everything I had done for you. I messaged the first friend saying what the hell and he was like "you two should reconnect. Besides, she's sorry" She's had two fucking years to apologise by herself. I've cut out my mum. I've cut out my brother and sister. I've just about cut out my step sister. I'm on the verge of cutting out my step mother. Why would you think I need her back in my life? Fuck you too. And yeah. All my alcohol is at my old place so I can't even drink myself into oblivion.

[seijousucks]

a victuri fic rec: part two! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ♡ 

part one (x)

my favorites will be bolded!

if its tagged nsfw it just mean its pwp

one shots

-  never tasted rubies by ebenroot / words: 16613

Phichit puts up a poll on the radio website. It reads ‘What Do U Think About Yuuri K. from Hasetsu Nights and the Mysterious Caller Victor?’

Seventy-five percent of listeners said ‘lol they should just f*ck already tbh’.

--

in which Yuuri is an unwilling radio host and Victor won't stop calling in to chat with him

-  Dance For You by Grassepi / words: 3425

Viktor Nikiforov is going to learn to pole-dance if it's the last thing he does.

-   while you're here in my arms by lazulisong / words: 4434

Victor slinks in the kitchen, looking shifty as hell and holding a plastic sack of snacks from the combini a block away.

Yuri hates that he finds it more charming than weird, but he's still reaching out and making grabby hands toward it.

He also hates that he's managed to avoid Victor seeing him in raccoon-and-desserts print PJ bottoms and a shirt with a trophy that says WORLD'S BEST TRASH (thanks, Phichit) on it for seven months, but failed now, three months before Victor is set to leave. It's like skating a perfect program and then falling on your ass five seconds before the end. He’s managed to dress himself like an adult human all this time but now Victor is being treated to the Full Katsuki Yuri In Heat experience and staring at him like he can’t believe his eyes. .

"I got you purple sports drink," says Victor, eyes slightly crazy, and Yuri hates even more that he's into a person that likes purple sports drink.

-  BREAKING NEWS: Local Man Would Like To Date Other Local Man by counterheist / words: 1164

Viktor is an anchor for Channel 9 Action News and Yuuri does the weather. Probably Viktor draws hearts on the playback monitor. Most likely someone gets kissed in the rain.

-  Trembling Hands, Smooth Jazz, and You by SuggestiveScribe / words: 10785

Yuuri swallowed past the tightness in his throat, “Am I the one being interviewed now?”

“I just want to know more about you,” Viktor responded. “You write so much on your blog and within media, but none of those words are ever about yourself.”

Music filled the momentary silence. “There’s not much to say,” Yuuri eventually answered.

“There’s always something to say.”

- nsfw:  Need by sub_textual / words: 8226

What stands before Viktor now isn’t at all the Yuuri that had stripped off his clothes in front of a hundred people. This is Yuuri, beautiful and blushing, shy in all the ways Viktor knows he isn’t, too embarrassed to express what he really wants. This is Yuuri, abandoning the clasp of Viktor’s pants, to slowly undo Viktor’s tie. This is Yuuri, desperate and needy, ripe and ready for the taking, and he’s all Viktor’s.

-  solidify the echoes by ADreamingSongbird / words: 5597

Viktor opens his eyes—blue, so blue—and looks directly into Yuuri’s. “Yuuri,” he says, quiet but almost terrifyingly intense. “Yuuri, I think… I think I’m in love with you, and I’m terrified.”

(Or, Yuuri wants to know if that kiss on the rink meant anything, and Viktor really hopes it did.)

-   with you, it's what i need by reciprocity / words: 5276

Yuuri moves to Russia. It takes some adjusting.

Or, five times Yuuri and Viktor get caught in the act, and one time they somehow don't.

-  Calm After the Storm by garbage_dono / words: 10288

Yuuri and Victor, newly bonded, prepare to become new parents.

-  a day for all the rest by Etharei / words: 6266

Phichit clears his throat. "You, ah, might want to wear your scarf again." He taps meaningfully at his own collarbone.

Victor touches the indicated spot on his neck. The skin is markedly sensitive. He presses down, unable to help himself, and the sweet little ache summons a sense-memory: strong fingers carding through his hair, then digging into his shoulder, powerful thighs like a vice around his hips, his name gasped into his ear before a hot mouth seals over the skin of his neck.

The day after the Cup of China.

-  These Frozen Nights by viciously / words: 6451 

Yuuri gets along okay with most of the ghosts in Saint Petersburg.

-  magpies by winchilsea / words: 2251

Viktor can be brave for Yuuri, he can be so many things, he can be anything, and all Yuuri wants him to be is himself, what does that even mean.

(It rains during Tanabata.)

-  pause/play by cordialcount / words: 2226

The mechanical noises blanket the room in a truer quiet than silence. "Yes," he breathes into it, more feeling than sound.

(Yuuri, holding them together.)

-  A Simple Pivot by RC_McLachlan / words: 472

It should feel like failure, and yet. (A coda to episode 9)

-  with a love this deep by lazulisong / words: 2904

There's two types of dates Victor and Yuri go on in St. Petersburg. Yuri likes them both.

-   Altschmerz by Liana_Legaspi / words: 15123

Altschmerz

n. weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had—the same boring flaws and anxieties you’ve been gnawing on for years, which leaves them soggy and tasteless and inert, with nothing interesting left to think about, nothing left to do but spit them out and wander off to the backyard, ready to dig up some fresher pain you might have buried long ago.

(Yuuri has trouble adjusting to St. Petersburg.)

-  And Baby Makes Three by nevermetawolf / words: 3045

This was not how he wanted to do things. There were supposed to be flowers, champagne, and something other than Chinese takeout. Something mature and adult that said, hey, I’d possibly maybe be an okay(ish) co-parent, see?

- nsfw: With The Engine Inside by RC_McLachlan / words: 2050

Victor brought this on himself.

-  The Cashmere Train by RC_McLachlan / words: 2615

Yuuri shouldn't even buy it, but he has to touch it only once to know that he's not leaving the store without it. He stands in front of the display for way longer than he probably should, rubbing it against his cheek and imagining what the deep burgundy will look like against Victor’s pale skin.

When he brings it up to check out, the saleslady pastes on a smile and tries very hard to make it seem like molesting sweaters is completely normal and that she definitely hadn’t been reaching for the panic button.

-  185/120 by RC_McLachlan / words: 1111

Yakov isn't paid enough for this shit.

-  Stay Close to Me by dasedandconfuzed / words: 11373

At the Grand Prix Final, Yuuri misses the podium by fractions of a point. Embroiled in a skating controversy, he tells himself he'll prove his worth in the World Championships, but there's a long time in between.

Or: Vicchan lives.

-  Five Times Viktor Got Jealous (and the one time Yuuri noticed) by braveten / words: 10846

Before now, Viktor hadn’t realized that he was the jealous type. What an interesting revelation.

-  Written in History by Ashida / words: 1625

Victor knows just how great Yuuri really is, he knows just how much Yuuri has given to get to this point, and in front of everyone after Yuri's last performance; Victor asks for one last thing.

-  Everlasting End by Ashida / words: 3224

There was nothing about Katsuki Yuuri that was fair, Victor had long since decided. He might have just decided that the first time they truly interacted, that night at the Grand Prix Final banquet, full of fleeting intentions that were over in the blink of an eye, this familiarity Yuuri had with him that made it seem like Victor had known him forever. And that was impossible, because everyone Victor had ever known were nothing but memories on the wind, and Yuuri would be all too soon as well.

-  I love you, no expense spared by myoue / words: 5680

Victor is used to paying for dates, accidentally spilling things on people, and spoiling Katsuki Yuri like no tomorrow.

-  the clavicle-snapped wish byastoryaboutwar / words: 6533

The sun glints off their twin gold bands, the band strikes up their first dance, and together, they follow each other into the rest of their lives.

(Or: the wedding fic fix we all need.)

- i have my body (and you have yours) byastoryaboutwar  / words: 8147

Yuuri overflows with the weight of things that have been said, trembles with what remains.

Their shared zeroes flicker in time, the early morning light muting the red glow to faint numbers. In the amber dawn, an idol is only just a man.

(Or: the Soulmate Timers AU where things happen out of order, secrets are kept, revelations are had, and they arrive where they need to be in the end.)

-  better than sliced bread by ebenroot / words: 8161

“What,” he breathes, “is that?”

Victor – his darling coach and fiancé Victor, love of his life and dream come true Victor – smiles at him and squeezes the dakimakura tight to his chest, while Makkachin chooses to make the large cardboard box his new chew toy.

“It’s you!” Victor chirps.

--

in which we all assumed yuuri is the one to own a dakimakura but maybe that isn't entirely the case

-  turn it, leave it, stop, format it by ebenroot / words: 19688

“If you want, I can recommend you some security programs that you can download for free and protect your computer. That way, you won’t be at risk of losing these cute photos of your dog even when you browse websites like ‘Luscious Lonely Wives’.”

Victor gives one long ‘haa’. “I don’t browse those websites,” he says through his straining smile.

--

the 'i will break any and all electronic devices that get into my hands if it means I get to talk to the cute tech support guy' fic

-  Russian for Dummies by cutthroatpixie / words: 2489

"Are you a beginner?"

Viktor was not a beginner. Viktor was the TA supposedly in charge of this study session. Viktor spoke Russian. Viktor was Russian.

"Sure!"

-  Polyglot Variations by spoken / words: 8528

‘If first languages are reservoirs of emotion, second languages can be rivers undammed, freeing their speakers to ride different currents’ - Lauren Collins, Love in Translation, New Yorker (2016)

The languages Viktor speaks, and what he finds as he's learning them.

-  we laugh, we fumble, we take it day by day by waitingforreason / words: 3066

When it comes to taking their son on the ice for the first time, Yuuri is worried, Victor is patient, and everyone else is helplessly intrusive.

-  Where Your Eyes Fall by MilkTeaMiku / words: 2300

Yurio let out a small, vulnerable noise, and lifted his eyes. “Not everyone looks up to Victor.” ‘

- nsfw: Submission by SuggestiveScribe / words: 8118

Viktor leaned forward, breath whispering just behind the shell of Yuuri’s ear, “If my Yuuri wanted me to submit, I would be elated to experience submission.”

-  brave enough to love you by kevystel, xyai / words: 5070

Yuuri settles into his new life in St. Petersburg.

-   lovesick by Ironinkpen / words: 2729

“Did the doctor send you?” When Yuuri doesn’t reply fast enough, since he's still gaping like a fish, he turns to Yuri. “Did the doctor send him? Because wow,” He drops his arm and presses his hand to his chest like the dramatic bastard he is. “You’ve got to be the prettiest man I’ve ever seen.”

“Oh my god,” Yuri groans. “Is he hitting on you?”

(In which Yuuri worries, Viktor's on the good drugs, and Yuri puts up with a whole bunch of bullshit.)’

-  time may change me by emilyenrose / words: 2156

Yuuri and Victor met by chance as children.

-  you're like heaven to touch by lazulisong / words: 3179

"Is this because I let you watch American movies as a child," says Yakov flatly. "The ones where the popular boy gives his coat to the pretty girl?"

Victor puts up both eyebrows in a delicately mocking gesture that was unbearable when he was a fey creature of sixteen and makes Yakov yearn to clip him around the ears now, when he's twenty-eight. "'Let' me?" he says.

-  specks of silver in the evening sky bywinchilsea / words: 3909

Loneliness compels you to get a dog, not wipe drool from the corner of a stranger’s mouth with your own thumb.

(Or: Viktor's kink is taking care of Yuuri.)

-  Heartbeat by emilyenrose / words: 3148

Victor starts sleeping in Yuri's bed well before the Cup of China.

- nsfw: pillowtalking by seabear / words: 2492

“We’re not leaving bed today,” Victor says, throwing a leg over Yuri’s waist and pulling the covers up over. “I decided.”

-  in death, at the end of the world by perennials / words: 8030

"Beautiful, you say?"

“Your hair. It's the color of the moon.”

-

From this life, to the next, to the next, he'll chase you for as long as it takes.

-  Just for You, a Symphony from My Soulby Caeseria / words: 12968

Sometimes, it’s the smaller moments – those out of the public eye – that are the most important.

-  Of Glass and Gold by smudgesofink / words: 4436

“Just hear me out,” Yuuri presses. He can feel heat burning behind his eyes and he grits his teeth, fighting back the tears. If he cries now, Victor will be too occupied with comforting him to actually pay attention to what he’s saying. “I want you to be happy.”

“I am,” Victor grounds out, confused and hurt. “I’m happy with you. What even gave you the idea that I’m not?"

“Because I’m never going to win gold!” Yuuri shouts. His words echo like a gunshot, and the silence that follows it is haunting.

(In which Victor is gold--magnificent, breathtaking, brilliant--and Yuuri is glass--transparent, thin, breakable.)

-  Nights So Slow by jibrailis / words: 3755

“Well,” Viktor says helplessly, because it’s all ruined now, “I was going to try and seduce you.”

-  it's not gay if it's on the moon by lunarorbits / words: 1765

Friend: new challenge, write something coherent out of a meme. Prompt: if there were two guys on the moon and one killed the other with a rock would that be fucked up or what? Me: challenge accepted PSA this is not crack it is hardcore space fluff.

-  At Home by SuggestiveScribe / words: 9346

“You excited to start our vacation?”

I always feel like I’m on vacation when I’m with you.

-  for all the ones who hurt the most by perennials / words: 3021

Viktor's birthday approaches, Viktor drifts away, and Yuuri does his best not to let him go. Home means so much more when it's four letters traced into the palm of your hand.

- nsfw: Each Sip Like Starlight by cloverfield / words: 13753

“Come quickly, I am drinking the stars!” ― Dom Perignon

There are two beds here – both identical, made up neat with hotel linen and pillows piled high. They’re only going to need one.

- nsfw: and over our heads the gray light unwinding by radialarch / words: 2152

It turns out, Yuuri and Victor have been having two different conversations.

-  this is how he loves you by perennials / words: 938

He says thank you for everything, Viktor, but it sounds like I’m leaving now.

He says thank you for being my coach but really, really, it sounds like good-bye.

-  it's you I want to go on seeing by 100demons, aubreyli / words: 2112

Victor’s eyes meet Yuri’s in the reflection for a brief moment, heavy-lidded and brimming with covetous heat. And then, slowly and deliberately, he draws his gaze down the length of Yuri’s body.

-  Adoration (noun) by crossroadswrite / words: 2049

Viktor is no stranger to being adored.

He’s used to gasps of awe, to blushing faces and shaking hands offering him pieces of paper to sign and phones to take pictures with; he’s used to proclamations of love accompanied by sweets, works of art to his image, and thoughtful gifts, all of it like offerings in a temple.

He’s used to it, and even though he revels in the attention and validation of all the work he’s put into his career, he’s bored.

- nsfw: Distraction by SuggestiveScribe / words: 7968

"Yuuri, let's not think about that," Viktor said, holding out his hands. Yuuri set his other skate aside. "You should take your mind off it; maybe seek a distraction--"

"Okay."

"--Anything to disengage from the nega--" Viktor stopped, blinking. "Wait, what?"

Yuuri rose back to his feet, moving to stand in front of Viktor. Emotion burned at the edge of his irises, and in the limited light his stare flashed more crimson than brown, "I said, 'okay'.”

-  the history books are made for us by d10smessi / words: 6600

Victor thinks, I'll never love someone this way again.

or: Victor Nikiforov, on loving Katsuki Yuuri.

-  here on the roof of the world by jibrailis / words: 2097

Figure skaters are such crybabies.

-  the warmest part of winter by dadvans / words: 8047

The wedding is in early February, right after Yuri comes home to Yuuri and Victor’s crumbling farmhouse in upstate New York from the European Championships with a gold medal around his neck. They’ve been in the process of restoring the dilapidated barn out back and turning it into a fully functional dance studio, and the fire marshall has finally approved it for occupation without fear of the whole thing coming down all at once and crushing a half dozen elite figure skaters to death at any given moment. Which is perfect, considering they’ve been planning on holding the reception in the barn, and finding a last minute venue would be a goddamn nightmare, especially since Victor has obsessively planned the entire event down to the last detail for the past six months.

-  sight of the sun by cityboys / words: 6418

Wherein their honeymoon brings Victor face-to-face with a lot of firsts in his life.

-  love at second sight by ninjee / words: 1834

He looks at Victor as if he somehow believes Victor would have come all the way here if he wasn’t desperately, stupidly in love with a drunk almost-stranger.

(a study of victor's love for yuuri, post episode 10.)

-  a kingdom, or this by perennials / words: 1091

The problem is, Yuuri sees Viktor’s face light up at every performance except his own.

The problem is, Yuuri takes off his glasses when he skates.

The problem is, Yuuri doesn't see.

-  change from grey to color by pageleaf / words: 1661

Viktor's had his eye on Japan's ace for a while.

-  It's Almost Like He's Done This Beforeby iamalivenow / words: 1637

Yuuri lands on his head in Sochi.

It's not that bad, though.

Not when he gets a second chance.

-  i think i may have loved you first by perennials / words: 1313

Here are the facts:

Yuuri is drunk. Viktor is not.

Yuuri is riding an alcohol-induced high so far up above the clouds he cannot even begin to comprehend the weight of his actions back in the human realm.

Viktor is falling in love.

-  When the Sun Rises by utsu / words: 4019

He focused single-mindedly on Yuuri and on promises; and Yuuri, well.

Yuuri taught him how to master both.

By mastering him.

-  hungry, but i'll hunger on by incode / words: 6119

Yuuri has been learning to reach out for what he wants.

-  things we're all too young to know by incode / words: 1789

Victor miscalculates a date.

- nsfw: i think i was blind before i met you by incode / words: 4917

Victor has a thing for every new bit of Yuuri he sees.

-   your love is my turning page by cityboys / words: 4755

Victor and the hours he spends waiting, reflecting and figuring things out.

Set parallel to Episode 9.

-  home is when I'm alone with you by lazulisong / words: 1691

because Phichit is a better bro than Yuri deserves, he reminds Victor that a) Yuri has a birthday and b) Yuri hates flash mobs

Victor is still 70% sure he's gonna screw it up.

-  Ex's and Oh's by Aurum / words: 1042

It turns out that Yuuri is not quite as inexperienced in love as Victor was led to believe. 

-   Hot in Here by Aurum / words: 2687

"Yuuuuuri," Victor drawls, leaning his head on Yuuri's shoulder. "It's hot," he complains. He's already down to his t-shirt.

Yuuri huffs a little, reluctantly amused. "Maybe you would feel cooler if you didn't drape yourself all over me."

-  the magic of your sighs by kevystel / words: 2925

Makkachin’s asleep by the time Viktor reaches the clinic. Viktor sits down on the sofa beside him, buries his face in Makkachin’s fur and breathes.

-  Breathe With Me by novellanouveau / words: 1327

Viktor soothes Yuuri through a sleepless night.

-  nsfw: Watch. by SuggestiveScribe / words: 7869

"You have pretty legs, Yuuri."

‘

- nsfw:  Love On Top by garbage_dono / words: 5319

Yuuri is used to holding back, but Victor is determined to change that.

-  we'll call this place our home by perennials / words: 2216

The Big Day approaches, and Viktor seeks advice from various members of the Katsuki family.

-  to stand on your own two feet by perennials / words: 1048

“You're strong. You've grown stronger. You've always been strong.”

No, I'm weak, Yuuri thinks.

“You're so much stronger than you think you are.”

-  Addicted (to the taste of you) by smudgesofink / words: 5832

It’s mortifying. Of course it’s mortifying.

But even with his hands restless by his sides and his stomach buzzing with butterflies and adrenaline and nerves, Yuuri finds that he oddly doesn’t mind the attention. Or rather, Yuuri can’t bring himself to care, for once. He’s exhausted to the bone from his performance, eyes slow and limbs heavy from running on little to no sleep for more than 24 hours now, not to mention kind of emotionally drained from his mental breakdown earlier.

If anything, Yuuri kind of wants Victor to kiss him again. Preferably right now.

At once.

Immediately.

(It’s turning into a problem.)

-  Worthwhile by surveycorpsjean / words: 6276

In which, it's Viktor that breaks.

-  Delete Clipart by Oort / words: 1607

Viktor Nikiforov wore clip-on ties. Yuuri had somehow failed to notice this.

-  (will wait for the morning to come) by contagionangel / 8130

"It's no use, he speaks the language of the ice!" chortles one of the women as she pats a sobbing girl on the back. He'd tried to be smooth and deft in his rejection and had fumbled it with all the impact of bones rattling against the ice in practice. Maybe more. She hit surprisingly hard for how twiggy and delicate she looks. While experimenting with new moves, he plays out a man touched by innocent affections that he cannot accept, who admires the strength of the one he is turning away. She nails all of her jumps in the next practice, smiles with neither malice nor blushing when he gives her pointers on her form.

Yakov's eyes are dark when he watches it. "You weren't feeling it at all." he murmurs. "That won't fool a crowd."

Victor just nods in response. It's true.

-  like heaven to touch by kevystel / words: 3161

He looks younger than half the other skaters, with his fine features and the porcelain clearness of his skin, but here he is — here in Moscow with Viktor at his side, ready to impress a crowd that’s too used to roaring Viktor’s name. Viktor is prouder than he’s ever been.

-  i know my madness by astoryaboutwar / words:14133

It's hardly a secret that Victor Nikiforov is a massive player.

(In which Yuuri doesn't blow the Grand Prix Finals the first time round, does blow Victor, and everything changes but ends up the same.)

-  turnabout is fair play by foreverautumn / words: 1582

Victor’s eyes widen. Five seconds pass; long, agonizing moments, and still Victor’s staring like Yuuri had just smacked him across the face.

-  Now When Arrows Don't Penetrate, Cupid Grabs the Pistol by ken_ichijouji (dommific) / words: 10673

Phichit Chulanont doesn't know how he ended up the skating world's wingman, but he ain't mad at it.

-  falling as we grow by Judchen / words: 5953

Yuuri's mother leans towards the candles, and shortly before she blows them out she squeezes his hand and says “I want you to always be happy, confident and loved.”

In which Yuuri grows up and gets by with a little help from his friends.

multi-chapter: complete 

-  No Less Unthinkable by rageprufrock / chapters: 3 / words: 10224

In which Katsuki Yuuri fights a losing battle with chronic anxiety, the quadruple Salchow, and his own judgment four drinks in — but wins the war.

-  Yuuri!!! on Floor by thehandsingsweapon / chapters: 6 / words: 67392

katsuki-don do you know how amazing you are?

v-nikiforov do you?

katsuki-don do I what?

v-nikiforov know how amazing you are

The gymnastics edition, in which Viktor is still a skater because he's too pretty on ice and I couldn't take it away from him. A story about how sometimes love comes slow and soft, and how hearts get bigger when they break.

-  begin to be half of what you think of me by kevystel / chapters: 2 / words: 10935

In which Yuuri's self-image finally starts aligning with reality. 

-  never stop until the grave by Naraht / chapters: 3 / words: 12714

Back in St Petersburg, Victor attempts to combine coaching Yuuri with preparing for his own return to competition. The spirit is willing but the flesh may be weak.

-  Dear Mama by Ferrero13 / chapters: 17 / words: 27277

In which Victor writes letters to his mother, who is fifty percent of his rationality and self-control.

-  lie to make me like you by cityboys / chapters: 9 / words: 80075

It’s become a game, of sorts, to anyone privy to the fact that the pattern exists in the first place: ask Victor out at the beginning of the month, date for however many days, and wait for the end to come and for Victor to say, always: I couldn’t fall in love with you. Let’s break up. Or, Victor is a retired actor looking for love, and Yuuri happens to be the (un)fortunate soul to unwittingly ask him out at the beginning of the month. Except relationships don't come with a script, and it's much harder understanding love than roles.

-  stay awake with me awhile by kevystel / chapters: 2 / words: 8374

The problem, should Viktor care to take the time to think about it, is that he’s no longer competing to win. He’s defending his title. It is a very different experience. It burns a hole in his palm, sometimes, on the mornings he lets himself sleep in.

-  the road that stretches out ahead by hellodeer / chapters: 4 / words: 7350

"What if we drove to France?" Viktor asks, and Yuuri says yes. Of course he does.

multi-chapter: incomplete

- dear true love by cityboys / chapters: 2/? / words: 18258

Victor is a writer pretending to be on a break; Yuuri is a pianist pretending to not be on a break.

They meet, somehow, in the backwaters of Saga Prefecture, Japan.

-   Call Everything on the Ice... by shysweetthing / chapters: 6/7 / words: 43790

Victor learns Japanese while in Hasetsu. He doesn't tell Yuuri, and things get dicey when he overhears Yuuri and Mari talking about him in Japanese. Repeatedly.

(The subtitle of this fic should be: Victor Nikiforov really needs a hug. Luckily, he gets one. Eventually.)

- series:  勝つ丼姫 by lazulisong / works: 3/? / words: 2011

     1.   baby it's so sweet / words: 769

Yuri knew exactly what was going to happen when Katsudon announced his retirement, but he was too late to kill Victor.

     2.  baby baby baby / words: 628

Victor and the katsudon breeding turns out as badly as Yuri expects it to.

     3.   if it's quite all right i love you baby / words: 614

it suddenly dawns on Yuri that the katsudon and Victor breeding means that Victor will be in charge of a child.

-  somewhere i have never travelled by d10smessi / chapters: 1/? / words: 4959

Victor is a specter, a killer, a myth, a machine trying to be a man.

(Victor falls in love with Yuuri—beautiful and out-of-nowhere, like the impractical black of his Aston Martin amidst the sea of tourists and locals in the streets of Barcelona. Yuuri falls in love with Victor like the slow bloom of a flower in spring in the middle of bustling Tokyo, tended and taken care of.)

-  i seek another place by heygorgeous / chapters: 2/? / words: 5225

Somewhere along the line he stops providing excuses, and the world stops asking him.

So now, Viktor thinks - thumb carelessly rubbing against Yuuri's scalp, now what?

[viktor suffers from bipolar disorder]

-  centripetal force by braveten / chapters: 7/? / words: 60928

Victor speaks seven languages.

(Physics isn't one of them.)

Luckily, though, he ends up rooming with his antithesis: a shy, black-haired boy who just so happens to be a physics major.

-  Masquerade by Ashida / chapters: 7/? / words: 46206

“Just say the word.” came the whisper as Victor stepped close, behind them Yuuri was aware of guns out and at the ready, of confused men and questioned loyalties, here Victor was offering, and Yuuri was too selfish to say no.

“Ok.” Yuuri smiled as this game of masquerade came to an end, what would happen now, he didn’t know, he would probably die, his family would come after him and try to put a knife in his back or a bullet between his eyes, none of it mattered, because together they would fight, and the rest of the world would finally burn.

-  Until My Feet Bleed and My Heart Aches by Reiya / chapters: 13/14 / words: 166931

‘…Of all the rivalries in the world of sports over the years, perhaps none has become so legendary as that of Russian figure skater Viktor Nikiforov and his rival, Japanese Yuuri Katsuki…’

A single event changes the course of Yuuri’s life, throwing him into a bitter rivalry with Viktor Nikiforov that spans across his entire skating career. But as the years go on, rivalry and hatred begin to develop into something very different and Yuuri doesn’t seem to be able to stay away, no matter how hard he tries.

Hatred and love are two sides of the same coin and even though everything changes, some things are still meant to be.

-  Catching Butterflies by skeletalparade (boythighs) / chapters: 1/? / words: 10387

It was a straight shot from here to the city, and sometimes Yuuri liked to imagine that he could bike the whole way in. Just start pedaling and never stop, no turning back. He could get a job in the city and pretend like his time on the island had never existed.

He wouldn’t do any of that, of course, not really, but it was a nice thought to entertain when things got hard. Some days it was the only thing that kept him afloat.

- series: babysitting au  by perennials  / works: 1/? / words: 2094

     1.  Yuri Plisetsky, five year-old killer of men / words: 2094

“Um, hi. I'm the new babysitter,” says the new babysitter.

“Hi, I'm the old babysitter." Viktor smiles brightly.

-

In which walls are vandalized, lipstick becomes a weapon of mass destruction, and Viktor flaunts his beauty in an attempt to woo the new boy while trying not to burn the house down. Also, there is a cat and his name is Power Ranger #4.

-   i see quiet nights poured over ice by ohhotlamb / chapters: 11/? / words: 25879

He’s a despicable man, but what he offers is the truth. I’ll make you a winner, he says. And he knows—

This is one thing that Yuuri can’t refuse.

-  Down the rivers of windfall light by cyan96 / chapters: 3/? / words: 11940

“A human,” Yuri observes slowly. Because it is. A human. Dark haired, with fog-dusted glasses and a truly unfortunate number of layers to ward off the autumn chill. He smells vaguely of sea salt: crisp and sharp, the mark of a water mage. Nothing extremely special, otherwise. The closest Yuri explanation can come up with for having been dragged all this way is Viktor deciding to add “Magical humans” to his list of hoard-viable objects. Which, although stupid and a perfect example of Viktor’s terrible life decisions, is still sadly within the realm of his ridiculousness.

The noise Viktor makes is—high and floaty, somewhere between a purr and a chirp, deeply pleased, and sounding entirely out of place on a currently house-sized dragon, even one as elegant as Viktor. For a moment Yuri simply stares, the vibrations of it tingling on his spine. And then his brain makes the leapfrog from point A: Viktor’s obscenely cheerful mood to point B: what is that smile what are those dopey eyes Viktor what the fuck—

What the actual fuck.

“Vitya, that’s a human,” Yuri hisses, whirling, as the whole and appalling picture snaps into place.

[noahsegans]

bunch of personal crap under the jump

so most people don’t know this, but i used to be around about 300 pounds, and i ended up losing a lot of weight and dropping down to about 120 -- i bounce around from 116 to 122 most days (it’s not important, i’m just unhealthily obsessed with the numbers on the scale because of how much weight i’ve lost). 

and like, i feel really great about my body when i’m wearing the right clothes -- pants and long sleeves -- because i may have lost the weight, but that doesn’t mean i’ve lost the skin. i’m disgustingly flabby and saggy. i had about twenty or so years to develop the worst bat wings you could ever imagine -- i’ve been video game and computer addicted forever, so the old arms didn’t get a lot of action, and now my upper arms are REALLY showing it. it’s gross. i can’t wear womens’ t-shirts because the sleeves are usually an inch or two too short, and you can forget tank tops and sleeveless things unless i have something like an open long sleeve shirt or a shrug over it. summertime is brutal for me. 

since i started working my current position, i’m lifting heavy boxes and shit, and i’ve built great muscle on my arms. when i flex, the tops of my arms look fucking jacked and feel so tight and firm. but you almost can’t tell because of the amount of sag on the bottoms of my arms. it might not sound like a lot to some people, but i’m not just talking about a slight bit of extra flab. like i said. 300 pounds down to 120. that’s a lot of skin to have laying around.

my stomach/muffin top is alright. i can’t wear tight clothes without a body shaper to cover up that flab and cellulite, but that doesn’t bother me. my thighs are still big and my butt is droopy and flabby, but i can ignore that stuff. it’s not important to me. i hate my flat, saggy boobs and the excess skin around my armpits, but it’s still not as bad as my arms. when i tell you my arms are bad, i mean, they are B-A-D bad. they were bad before i lost the weight, and they’re bad now, and i can tell you i’ve dreamed of plastic surgery JUST for my arms for as long as i can remember. 

and so. i’ve finally decided to try and be optimistic about it. i’ve got a consultation with a cosmetic surgery in a few weeks, and he’s gonna assess the damage and all. and i’m trying very hard to think positively about it. i’m poor as fuck, but maybe they’ll have a payment plan i can work with or something. this would help me so, so much, and i’m just praying that i can somehow get this done. recovery doesn’t sound very fun, if i can even manage the price, but it’ll all be worth it in the end, i think, and just. you know. please, please, please, right? 

i originally was going to look into laser hair removal for my face -- i could join the circus as the bearded lady if i didn’t shave every day -- which i know is much cheaper, but when i thought about which one was more important to me, i figured i’d at least look into the cosmetic surgery first. at least i have the ability to shave my facial hair every day. there isn’t anything i can do about my arms myself. 

J doesn’t think i need it. J is... you know, i couldn’t imagine there were guys like him, and i know i get sappy about him a lot, but he’s seen me naked and yet he’s still around and like? he touches me without fear, he looks at me with light and softness in his eyes, like i’m some work of art or something, and he tells me regularly how beautiful i am, and it’s crazy, because he’s this thin, attractive dude and i’m this stumpy little cellulite flab-monster, and it kills me sometimes because i don’t know how i tricked him into thinking i’m pretty. but he thinks i’m perfect the way i am and he doesn’t like the idea of me getting surgery to fix anything, because he doesn’t think anything needs to be fixed, but at the same time, he’s supportive of my choices, and i know, if i can get the surgery, he’ll go out of his way to take care of me during my recovery and stuff. 

i made him breakfast on Sunday. he’s getting a new job soon with a completely different schedule. whereas we used to stay up all night, and he’d leave around 5/6am to go home and sleep, we now go to bed around 11/midnight, and wake up together in the morning. it’s wonderful waking up next to him. and i didn’t get fancy or nothing on Sunday, i just had some instant pancake mix and whipped some up for him. had some M&Ms sitting around so i was like, hey, i could throw these in there to really impress him lmao. he loved them. he acted like i’d served him a gourmet meal made of the finest ingredients and in reality, it was a box of instant pancake mix probably from the dollar store. he refused to leave the kitchen while i cooked, and refused to start eating without me, and he was desperate to help me with anything that he could. it was adorable. and it just really made my week. 

writing sucks. the state of writing sucks. an e-publisher i was extremely interested in is closing down at the end of the month. with Amazon Kindle, anyone can self-publish, and it’s really harming these e-publishers, i guess. as if it wasn’t hard enough to go with traditional publishing, now even e-publishing might die out. in a way, i hate Amazon letting people self-publish. now anyone can string together words and call themselves an author, no matter how bad they are. they can throw up an unedited, non-formatted piece of trash (excuse me for saying so) and they can make actual money off of it if they market it well enough and either have a target audience that has no palate for good writing, or dupe enough people into thinking it might be good. i have nothing against self-published authors in general (the ones who try their best, edit their work, format their work, etc) but i’ve never wanted to be a self-published author. my dream has always been to get published traditionally and it seems like it’s getting harder and harder unless you already have your foot in the door. like, if i had somehow become friends with say, Veronica Roth or even (*shudders*) Cassandra Clare before they were published, i would at least have a connection, someone who could recommend me, but without any connections, it’s like, good fuckin luck, you know. and it’s just a little disheartening, and i know it shouldn’t be. 

so yeah. that’s about what’s going on with me.

[jumpsitehq]

200 Best Sarcasm Quotes and Sarcasm Sayings & Messages

Ever wish to be honest without hurting somebody’s feelings? One perfect way to do it is through sarcasm. It’s funny and witty, brings humor into our lives but it gives the most brutal kind of honesty too. So here we collected some of awesome 99 Best Sarcasm Quotes and Sarcasm Sayings & Messages. Even some of the best life lessons we learn are from the most sarcastic quotes we read over the internet or from our dearest friends and family. Although some people find it difficult to understand the hidden meaning of our sarcastic messages, others have no problem in finding the sense of it at all. We also have a great collection of Insomnia Quotes & Angry Status.

200 Best Sarcastic Quotes

1. I’M 2% Cute & 98% Single. 2. All You Need Is Love 5M $. 3. I’M Like Monday. Nobody Likes Me. 4. True Love: I Love More Than Free Wi-Fi. 5. Your Crush + Fast Replies = Imagination. 6. I’ve Never Faked A Sarcasm In My Life. 7. Are You Free Tomorrow? No I’M Expensive. 8. I Love Education But Without Examination. 9. Avracadabra ! Nope. You’re Still A Bitch. 10. You Remind Me Of My Chinese Friend. Ug Lee 11. World Biggest Lie ” I’ll Always With You “. 12. Let’s Just Stay Friends = Never Talk Again. 13. Money Can Buy Happiness, It’s Called “Food”. 14. First Rule Of 2017 ” Never Talk About 2016 “. 15. Conjuring 2 Is For Kids. Real Men Get Married. 16. Not Everyone Likes Me But Not Everyone Matters. 17. If You Are Late, Don’t Rush You’re Already Late. 18. Sarcasm : Just One Of The Many Services I Offer. 19. If You Don’t Have Something Nice To Say, Hush It. 20. I Don’t Understand You. I Don’t Speak Assholian. 21. Always Be Yourself, Except During Job Interviews. 22. Losing Your Best Friend Is Worse Than A Break Up. 23. I Am ” Eats Ice Cream In Winter ” Type Of Person. 24. Single Bell….Single Bell….Single All The Way. 25. Life Is Full Of Fake People. Don’t Trust Blindly. 26. I Would Slap You, But That Would Be Animal Abuse. ( Sarcasm Quotes . 27. Every Year Thousand People Quit Smoking, By Dying ! 28. I’M Single Because Nobody Believes That I’M Single. 29. I Was On Diet For 30 Days & All I Lost Was 30 Days. 30. Yes, I’M Online 24X7, But I Hardly Chat With Anyone. 31. If Nobody Hates You. You Are Doing Something Boring. 32. People Get Mad When You Treat Them How They Treat You. 33. Happiness Is You And Your Best Friend Hate Same Person. 34. Sarcasm Is The Body’s Natural Defense Against Stupidity. ( Sarcasm Quotes . 35. Tip For 2017 : Don’t Get Emotionally Attached To Anyone. 36. My Secret Talent Is Getting Tired Without Doing Anything. 37. Don’t Remind Me How Old I Am ! I’ll Always Watch Cartoons. 38. My Problem Is That I Hate Maths But I Love Counting Money. 39. I Love All The Religions Because They All Bring Holidays ! 40. Studying Is My Drug. But Thanks To God. I Say No To Drugs.

Sarcasm Quotes for Twitter

41. Don’t Be Ashamed Of Who You Are. That’s Your Parent’s Job. 42. Everyone Is Matured Until Someone Brings Out Bubble Wrap ! 43. To Be Old & Wise, You Must First Have To Be Young & Stupid. 44. Sarcasm : Because Beating The Crap Out Of People Is Illegal. 45. The Hardest Part Of My Job Is…Being Nice To Stupid People ! 46. Never Laugh At Your Girlfriend’s Choice. You Are One Of Them. 47. It’s Okay If You Don’t Like Me…Not Everyone Has Good Taste. 48. If You Want A Sarcastic Answer, Don’t Ask A Stupid Question. 49. I Live For Two Reasons. 1 . I Was Born 2 . I Haven’t Died Yet. 50. Tom & Jerry Taught Me That Life Is Incomplete Without Enemies. 51. Dear 2017 : Make Sure You Don’t Come Up With Temporary People ! 52. I’M Actually Not Funny. I’M Just Mean & People Think I’M Joking. 53. I Don’t Believe In Plastic Surgery. But In Your Case, Go Ahead. 54. Brain Logic : Let’s Insult Our Best Friend Ore Than Our Enemies. 55. Just Wanna Be Rich Enough To Buy My Mom Everything She Deserves. 56. Show Me You’re Different & I won’t Treat You Like You’re Typical. 57. Thanks To The Wrong People In Life. They Teach The Right Lessons. 58. Sarcasm : The Ability To Insult Idiots Without Them Realizing It. 59. I’M Sorry What Language Are You Speaking ? It Sounds Like Bullshit. 60. Behind Every Successful Person…There’s Lot Of Unsuccessful Years.

61. Damaged People Are More Dangerous Because They Know How To Survive. 62. Everything Is Like Either Expensive, Illegal Or Won’t Text Me Back. 63. The World Is Filled With Good People. If You Can’t Find One, Be One. 64. 3 People Who Call Me. 1. My Mom. 2 . Wrong Number. 3 . Customer Care. 65. Closing Your Eyes After Turning Off The Alarm Is Very Dangerous Game. 66. Don’t Respect Her Because She’s A Girl. Respect Her Because You’re Man. 67. If The Teacher Tell You To Get Out, It Means You Have Won The Argument. 68. The Luckiest Are Those Who Fall Asleep As Soon As They Close Their Eyes. 69. Why People Buy Guitars Now A Days. 10% To Play, 90% To Click Profile Pic. 70. I Want One Of Those Jobs Where I Get Paid For Travelling Around The World. 71. Don’t Judge A Book By It’s Cover. Don’t Judge A Student By His Percentage. 72. May Be You Should Eat Some Makeup So You Can Be Pretty On The Inside Too. 73. My Girlfriend Is So Good At Playing Hide And Seek. I Haven’t Found Her Yet. 74. We Don’t Need Cctv Camera In Our Country. Neighbours & Relatives Are Enough. 75. When People Ask Stupid Questions I Feel Obligated To Give Sarcastic Answers. 76. I Don’t Care What People Think Of Me. At Least Mosquitoes Find Me Attractive ! 77. When I’M Free No One Texts Me ! & When I’M Busy. Bam ! Still No One Texts Me ! 78. True Bonding Is When You And Your Friends Are All Angry About The Same Thing. 79. If You Think Nobody Cares If You’re Alive, Try Missing A Couple Of Car Payments. 80. We All Have That One Teacher Who Give You Amazing Marks On Matter What You Write.

Sarcasm Quotes for Facebook

81. From The Moment I Saw You, I Knew I Was Gonna Spend He Rest Of My Life Avoiding You. 82. Babies Are So Lucky. They Can Sleep All The Day And Everyone Still Would Be Proud Of Them. 83. I’M Sorry I Hurt Your Feelings When I Called You Stupid. I Really Thought You Already Knew. 84. You Cried All Night ? You Were Hurt ? And No One Knows ? Congratulations ! You Are Mature Now. 85. I May Look Calm, But Inside My Mind I’ve Killed You 20 Times, In 5 Mins, In 20 Different Ways. 86. My Attitude In Exams. They Give Me Questions I Don’t Know. I Give Them Answers They Don’t Know. 87. I Can Only Please One Person Per Day. Today Is Not Your Day. Tomorrow Doesn’t Look Good Either. 88. I Love Texting People Who Reply Super Fast. It Makes Me Feel Like They Really Want To Talk To Me. 89. Bring Able To Respond With Sarcasm Within Seconds Of Stupid Question Is A Sign Of A Healthy Brain. 90. At Age Of 25, Others Want To Get Married And Have Kids But I Want My Parents In The Backseat Of My Audi 91. There Are Two Types Of People In The World. 1 . People Who Understand And Appreciate Sarcasm 2 . Idoits. 92. Askhole. A Person Who Constantly Asks For Your Advice, Yet Always Does The Opposite Of What You Told Them. 93. Need Money For College. Need College For A Job. Need A Job For Money. Who Was The Mastermind Behind This System ? 94. What’s The Point Of Education If You Still Throw Garbage On Street To Be Ultimately Picked By An Uneducated Person ? 95. If You Want To Change The World, Do It While You’re Single. Once You’re Married You Can’t Even Change The T.V Channel. 96. Not All Girls Are Made Of Sugar And Spice And Everything Nice. Some Girls Are Made Of Sarcasm, Wind And Everything Fine. 97. I’M Sorry, I Didn’t Realize That You’re And Expert On My Life And How I Should Live It ! Please Continue While I Takes Notes. 98. The Whole Purpose Of Sending A Text Is To Get A Reply Within Seconds Or Minutes Otherwise I Would Have Sent A Letter By F***In Mail. 99. My Future Wife Would Be Probably Texting Her Boyfriend About How They’re Gonna Stay Together. Haha, See You In A Couple Of Years, Sweetie. 100. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings, because I guarantee you not one bit of my self-esteem is tied up in your acceptance.

101. They say women speak 20,000 words a day. I have a daughter who gets that done by breakfast. 102. Excuse me, which level of hell is this? 103. When I’m feeling down and someone says “suck it up”, I get the urge to break their legs and say, “walk it off”. 104. You know that little voice inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t? Yeah, I don’t have that. 105. You know what I like about people? Their dogs. 106. People who reply to my sarcasm with sarcasm are my favorite. 107. Have you ever met someone and thought, “There goes the reason why contraceptives were invented?” 108. I’d slap you but that would be animal abuse. 109. Most people have “Ah ha” moments. I have “Oh for f..ck’s sake, f..ck this shit” moments. 110. I have to stop saying how stupid you can be. Some people are starting to take it as a challenge. 111. I think Dildo is a perfectly acceptable insult. I’d call you a d..ck but you’re not real enough. 112. If your phone doesn’t ring, it’s me. 113. When something goes wrong in your life, just yell “Plot Twist” and move on. 114. If someone points at your black clothes and asks, whose funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, “haven’t decided yet.” 115. Sweetie, leave the sarcasm and insults to the pros. You’re going to hurt yourself. Go play in traffic. 116. What’s a queen without her king? Well, historically, better. 117. Abracadabra! Nope. You’re still a b..ch. 118. Oh. I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours? 119. When people see you laying down with your eyes closed, they still ask “Are you sleeping?” And I’m like, “No. I’m training to die.” 120. Come here you big, beautiful cup of coffee and lie to me about how much we’re going to get done today.

Sarcasm Quotes for Whatsapp

121. My alone time is sometimes for your safety. 122. Sometimes I wish I could get a refund on the time I have invested on people that weren’t worth it. 123. I wish more people were fluent in silence. 124. Deja Poo. The feeling that you’ve heard this crap before. 125. I’m a lady, but when I’m mad, I am an evil sadistic demon spawned b..ch from hell that will make you regret the day you were born. And when I’m happy, I like to bake cookies and shit. 126. I’m an odd combination of “really sweet” and “don’t mess with me.” 127. I am in one of those moods where I just want to throw a book at someone’s face and be like: I facebooked you. 128. Controlling my tongue is no problem. It’s my face that needs deliverance. 129. Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end 130. Hmmm, I’m going to file your opinions right here between “f..ck this” and “f..ck that”. 131. I’m not petty, I’m dead ass disrespectful and I will straight up disrespect you if you want to play that petty game. Your feelings will be hurt. 132. Everything I like is either expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back. 133. Some people are a human version of a migraine. 134. Grammar. The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit. 135. If only closed minds came with closed mouths. 136. People think I’m shy because I don’t get involved in their conversations. The truth is, I don’t give a f..ck what they’re talking about. 137. I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables but when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts. 138. It’s a beautiful day to leave me alone. 139. Congratulations! You’ve managed to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit again. Would you like an award for that? 140. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

141. Life is a soup and I’m a freaking fork. 142. Some people are just treasures that you just want to bury them. 143. Sweetie, I’m going to need you to put those few remaining brain cells together and work with me here, Okay? 144. In order to insult me, I must value your opinion. Nice try though. 145. I’ve got heels higher than your standards. 146. If you don’t like and still watch everything I do, b..tch you are a fan. 147. I may look calm but in my mind, I’ve killed you three times. 148. Oh sure, you’re smart. Sesame Street smart. 149. Don’t worry about what I’m doing. Worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing. 150. I’d rather be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea. 151. Oh, my bad. I’m sorry for bothering you. I forgot I only exist when you need me for something. 152. If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question. 153. Shhhhhhhhhhhhh. No one cares. 154. Oh, you hate me? Join the club! There are weekly meetings at the corner of F..ck You St. and Kiss My Ass Blvd. 155. I’m 97% sure you don’t like me but I’m 100% sure I don’t care. 156. Your flexibility amazes me. How do you get your food in your mouth and your head up your ass all at the same time? 157. I don’t have a bad temper. I just have a quick reaction to bullshit. 158. Listen, I’m a nice person. So if I’m a b..ch to you, you need to ask yourself why. 159. Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived! 160. People say I act like I don’t care. It’s not an act.

161. I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I’m hilarious. 162. You are the result of 4 billion years of evolution. So act like it. 163. I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions. 164. I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me. 165. It’s nearly time for my Psychotic Break. 166. I know I don’t have to be sarcastic, but the world has given me so much material to work with. I would hate to be wasteful. 167. Here’s a tissue, you have a little bullshit on your lip. 168. Only dead fish go with the flow. 169. Some people will only like you if you fit inside their box. Don’t be afraid to shove that box up their ass. 170. If I say “First of all”. Run away because I have prepared research, data, and charts and will destroy you. 171. In my defense, I was left unsupervised. 172. I am a nice person. Just don’t push the b..ch button. 173. The B..ch Slap. Keeping a..holes in line since 1836. 174. Warning. I’m bored. Things could get dangerous. 175. I am currently experiencing life at the speed of 15 wtf’s per hour. 176. Interviewer: What do you make at your current job? Me: Mostly mistakes and inappropriate comments. 177. I’m confident my last words will be, “Are you fu…ng kidding me?” 178. I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than f..ck. 179. We all have problems. Some of us just choose not to post them on Facebook. 180. In all honesty, things would’ve never worked between us. I’m a unicorn, you’re a donkey; I’m majestic, and you my love are just an ass.

181. It must be hard putting makeup on your two faces every day. 182. Nothing brings a group of a…holes together faster than something that’s none of their business. 183. Don’t be an a..hole to me, cause then I have to be an a..hole to you. And I’m way better at being an a..hole than you are. 184. My decision-making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street. 185. Some people are like Slinky’s. Pretty much useless but make you smile when you push them down the stairs. 186. I would like to confirm that I do not care. 187. Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. 188. Breaking someone’s trust is like crumpling up a perfect piece of paper. You can smooth it over but it’s never going to be the same again. 189. Please cancel my subscription to your issues. 190. Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. Whatever works. 191. Patience. What you have when there are too many witnesses. 192. Good judgment comes from experience. And experience? Well, that comes from poor judgment. 193. I don’t know how to accept compliments. So thanks, suck a d..ck or whatever. 194. I need a cocktail. Hold the tail. 195. I’ve met some pricks in my time, but you my friend, are the f..cking cactus. 196. I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work. 197. Quick Tip: Mind your own motherf…ng goddamn business b..ch. 198. My loyalty cannot be bought. However, it can be rented. 199. I’m definitely a morning person but often choose to sleep straight through it. 200. Mom: What did you learn in school today sweetheart? Me: Obviously not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.

In every sarcastic remark we hear, there is always some truth behind it. It’s easier to express our feelings to other people by being sarcastic. It makes the person laugh a little and accept the advice you say without them feeling offended. But being sarcastic can be a little harsh as well. We find ourselves using sarcastic quotes or remarks usually when we deal with our friends and family members. We use it as a way of dealing with issues in relationships, in decision making, and in life in general. If you want to know why sarcasm has now become a meaningful way to express one’s feelings, you have to familiarize yourself with them.

[taekwondorkjosh]

This is just something I put together because I’m freaking out and thought this might help me process things. do not reblog, please.

abuse, manipulation, mental and physical illness, and financial drama below

When I was really little, my mother and father had some money troubles. According to my father, my mom routinely went and spent his money on irrelevant stuff, instead of paying for groceries, bills, etc. I don't know how accurate that interpretation of what happened is, but its entirely possible that the Irrelevant stuff was stuff for the children, just not stuff we needed. Trips to amusement parks, toys, movies, new shoes when we had perfectly good shoes already, etc. I know this is likely the case because my mother told me stories of how HER mother would do that too. Instead of important stuff, she spent money on little stuff to make us happy in the moment.

This post isn't to debate whether or not that is an appropriate parenting tactic or life strategy. Its too establish that my mother has always had trouble managing her money responsibly. Eventually, it got so bad my father was on the verge of bankruptcy, so he divorced my mother and sued for custody. He lost, and for a few years my three older siblings and one younger sibling (the first three from a previous marriage and the younger sibling my full sibling) lived with my mom until her life came crashing down. She lost everything.

My dad got custody when I was in second grade. I finished second grade and then my dad bought a house, the house I live in to this day. My younger brother and I went to live with him, while the other three stayed with my mom and her previous husband (who had by now pulled his life together enough to help with his kids). I saw my mother every other weekend and on wednesdays for dinner.

Every few visits we went to my Aunt and Grandma's house instead of spending time with my mom doing fun stuff. My mother, myself, and my brother would clean my mother's sister's apartment, taking care of them as best we could. It wasn't particularly fun but we loved our family and helped with.... marginal complaining.

My aunt and I had a very powerful connection. We liked a lot of the same things, and she even got me into a lot of stuff that I still love today, primarily martial arts. When I was seven, my mother signed me up to attend tae kwon do at the school that my aunt was helping out at, and it was amazing. I don't remember much of my childhood, but I know I loved it, even if it was difficult towards the end. Black belt testing is tough hahahha.

After I got my black belt, I wanted to take a little break. I was ten years old and wanted to play around a bit, and my dad took this as an opportunity to get me to do other stuff. I didn't return to tae kwon do until high school, where my connection with my aunt grew much stronger.

I spent three to five hours, six days a week at that tae kwon do school with my aunt. Eighteen to thirty hours a week in her company. Some weekends I would go over to her house and hang out, spending the weekend with her.

I spent a fraction of that with my mother. Saturday afternoon to sunday night, thirty six hours, every two weeks. In a month, I'd spend between 72 and 120 hours with my aunt, and 72 with my mother, if I didn't spend a weekend with my aunt. I loved my aunt.

By the time I was in high school, though, my mother turned her life around. She found a steady job and a good apartment, and had divorced her third husband, an aggressive and dangerous man with some bipolar condition. I was little I don't remember, only that he would sometimes get very, very angry. The point is, that she was doing good.

The three of us started spending mroe time at my aunt/grandma's house. It was getting bad. Two older women with a SLEW of physical disorders and an army of cats, crammed into one thousand square feet? NOT good. It was a terrible mess, and we all came together to turn it around. My mom and my aunt got a joint bank account, so that my mother could help them manage their funds, and IMMEDIATELY she got them a new apartment, found homes for several of the cats, got them insured and healthier (my aunt got all new teeth!), and even managed to get my aunt several job offers.

An then, college. I spend a few years putzing around, and one day I catch my aunt going over bank statements at tae kwon do. She's confused by some of the expenditures on there. Alright, fair.

This starts a huge conflict. According to my aunt, my mother owes her thirty thousand dollars, spent on stuff that my aunt does not have or has no recollection of authorizing. This money was spent over the course of the last 10 months, from when the bank account was made to the 'present' day. 10 months, and my mother somehow stole 30k AND turned my aunt and grandma's lives around.

My mother's rebuttal: all but 2k of that 30k is accounted for. Presents for the nephews/grandchildren, authorized by my grandmother, new clothes for my aunt for a job interview, that's the new fridge, that's a one thousand dollar loan that my mother borrowed, with grandma's approval, and paid back three hours later (banks are weird like that), gas money for the trips over to their apartment to clean cat shit off the tile floors, lunch after cleaning their toilets, etc. It was all stuff like that, with a recurring theme: my aunt wasn't the one who said "Do it," grandma was. The 2k that was left was just stuff that my mom didn't have receipts for and couldn't remember, and my mom would have paid that back if my aunt asked for it.

But my aunt demanded the full 30k. She refused to accept "but grandma said so" because grandma didn't remember that. What my aunt also refused to accept was that grandma was going senile and had been for a few years. Maybe she forgot? HOW DARE YOU BLAH BLAH BLAH it was awful.

So my aunt brings my mother to civil court and charges her. Touts all this evidence and claims that she's an invalid and has lived in a fugue state for the last few years due to pain medication and, well, pain. She claims that my mother was taking advantage of her, stealing from her, risking her life by putting her in financial jeapordy.

This is garbage, because A) my aunt was working at tkd with me EVERY DAY FOR THIS PERIOD OF TIME, B) my aunt managed to pull off straight A's at LBCC while they got a certificate in something, and C) HER LIFE IS SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER THAN IT WAS BEFORE!!!

My Aunt's annual income, including tae kwon do and Grandma's pension, was around 40k. HOW DID MY MOTHER STEAL ALMOST AN ENTIRE YEAR'S WORTH OF MONEY, AND STILL MANAGE TO GET YOU INTO A BETTER SITUATION? Its all a load of bs, its lies, its slander.

My mother loses the civil case. She has to pay back my aunt 15k. Alright. Fine. Its over with. Its far more than my mother should have to pay but its done.

My Aunt then charges CRIMINALLY, and brings the whole thing back. My mother is unequipped to handle this, we do the best we can, and manage to bring down the multiple felonies my aunt is trying to charge my mother with down to a misdemeanor theft charge. One thousand hours of community service and we're good to go.

Unfortunately, the misdemeanor theft doesn't exist, so my aunt's lawyers file the paperwork as a felony anyway. My mother now has a felony on her record, owes 15k dollars, and has to somehow do 1k hours of community service while working a full time job.

Now, by the time this all goes down my aunt has quit tae kwon do, she is no longer working there and hasn't been for some time. I see her occasionally, as I still have a relationship with this woman, until the criminal charges are brought up.

I immediately tell my aunt to back down. She refuses. I sever ties with her and we're done now. I focus on my relationship with my mother, trying to help her as best I can to deal with this mess.

My relationship with my aunt was severed five years ago. A few months later, the trial is over and my mother is struggling to deal with the repercussions of all of this. Its been half a decade, and we're finally turning shit around. My mother has almost paid off my aunt. She's back in school to get a bachelor's degree while working and bringing in six figures (when combined with her husband's income). We're doing wonderfully.

Then I get an email this morning from my aunt. She wants to let us know that my grandmother is sick in the head (senility alzheimers, idk), she likely does not have long left, and wants to see us before she forgets who her family is.

I do not know how to process this. This rambling post is my attempts to fully understand what has happened, and to give context to anyone who wants it. I don't know how to do this. I don't want to just leave my grandmother to die, broken and alone, but I also don't want a relationship with my aunt. My grandmother through my mother under the bus, supporting my aunt completely in all of this, and is just as much to blame as my aunt.

But.... still. I don't know what to do.

[flauntpage]

Golden State InfoWarriors: Among The Conspiracy Theorists At Oracle Arena

Conspiracy.

You'd think that a fan-base with a barely two-year-old NBA championship to its name, a bevy of superstars and a commanding series lead coming into the game wouldn't feel victimized.

But goodness me, I heard that word a lot around the Bay Area in the days before the NBA Finals came back to Oakland on Monday night. Conspiracy. Rigging. Money trumping everything. The innocent Bay, unspoiled by cynicism or avarice and blessedly untouched by the disgusting hand of the oligarchs of the world, was sure that their Warriors were going to lose Game 5. The global forces of capital demanded another game, and another game's worth of television revenues. It was the blameless, hard-working Warriors, like Steve Kerr (averaging a salary of $5 million a year) and Kevin Durant (guaranteed more than $54,000,000 between this year and next year), who would pay the price.

This was the hum I heard in the Stella Artois club at Oracle Arena, where people were poured $13 Bud Lites and were charged $120 for a jersey. The conversation in the air was one of fear, but not the usual "man we're gonna get roughed up by the refs" fear of a team that did not want to slog through another series against LeBron James. Rich, powerful men were convinced that they were about to be robbed. This was chili-tilted, Alex Jones-level muttering, a fan base humming with paranoia about—if stopping just short of accusing—the globalists cruelly using their influence to change the fate of the $1.6 billion Golden State Warriors, who make around $168 million a year. Or at least push the series to a sixth game, anyway.

Moneyballs

It's time for some game theory.

My friend Colin is a ticket hound, and regularly gets into games for a few hundred dollars that would usually cost thousands. He does this by gaming the system using a series of apps to play the same digital mind-games that touts play with fans. As he'd told me many times before, the system usually worked on the prospect of driving up pricing right until tip-off. Usually, the ticket hoarders drive up their prices to varying levels of obscenity—over $2,000 for one lower-level seat where you can vaguely make out an ass, but not a specific ass, up to $5,432 (which I heard referred to as "a hell of a deal) for a courtside club seat near the hoop, where you could specifically identify any number of sports-asses, but not really see the game so well.

The bottom line, I quickly understood, was that I would need to put aside my preconceived sense of the value of a sports ticket. It is obscene, almost insulting to the suffering communities of the Bay Area that aren't San Francisco, just to see these numbers discussed. It is easy to imagine a way this could all be a lot less gross; there are an infinite number of better uses for Ticketmaster gouge-fees than being funneled back into the Ticketmaster machine, and the Warriors have a great deal more leverage on this than they appear willing to use. Anyway, the conversation among the people who had been gouged on those fees for this game was about referee rigging.

Would you pay $10,000 for a chance to sit near motivational speaker Tony Robbins? Photo by Kelley L Cox-USA TODAY Sports

The Uber For Touting

Usually, if you watch the right apps, you can see the moment when ticket-holders start shitting their pants. Sometime just before the game, people that bought tickets in advance with the intention of making a profit will realize that they are screwed. Prices are meant to drop, but they didn't on Monday.

Before the game, Colin showed me Row 10, eight rows behind me, at $3,400 a seat with taxes and fees. That was more than I'd paid; the seat directly in front of me was selling, or not selling, for $5,102.50. My favorite, and my dude if you are reading this I hope you're a season ticket holder doing Tout Irony, was by the 115 section corner on the Warriors' side, which listed $10,800 for a couple of seats. God bless this hopeful seller. This was less than a pair of $9,000 on-the-floor "VIP" seats, which offered a view both of the game and of Chris Rock and other celebrities checking their phones.

At 5:30 PM PT, there were still lots of expensive seats available.

At 6 p.m. I was ready for some football—"uh, this is basketball," the man in front of me told me sternly when I made this joke out loud—and tickets were either withdrawn, unsold, or left at the same price. Just before tipoff a lucky buyer could have gotten a steal (?) of a deal on a $3,965 front-row dead center Cavs-side ticket, or scored one for $3,108 for the same on the Warriors' side. The disparity was not an accident; people wanted to be on "the right side" of the arena despite there being precious few Cavaliers fans in the actual house.

I kept watch for the hour or so in which you can still buy tickets through the Gametime app as the game begins, as well as the Warriors' featured "you can upgrade your current seat using our app for $100-$1000 a ticket" app (which allows you to do so from 4PM to 30 minutes after tip-off.) At 15 minutes in there were still at least 25 seats on sale, all of them priced to the purest obscenity. I was delighted to see that the $10k "why am I sitting here" corner seats disappeared around then. I hope they sold to the biggest, dumbest startup idiot alive. I'm not even going to comment on the $22,954 courtside club seat far off in the bottom corner of the Cavs' side.

Prices just kept on rising, with a few disappearing and more appearing, then at about 6:45 PM the wheels came off of the market. Tickets dropped off rapidly, some withdrawn and some sold; you could see as they'd flash yellow if they were sold (which was much rarer), and those were mostly fairly (in context) higher-level 200's seats of people saying "hey, $800 ain't bad to see the Warriors win." I watched as the $5,232 seat quite literally in front of me (102, row 1), the $8,260 corner Courtside Club seat—by the by, the demarcation between courtside and sideline club is different seat and stair color, and you can get drink service—and the $2,238 section 108 (close enough to say with some certainty "that's Steph Curry's ass!" but not the action) seats sat inert. Colin himself remarked that it was weird.

By 7:01 PM all that remained were two staunch, sad seats—lower baseline ($1,127 for a view of some yellow and reddish ants) and $1,400 (217, row 17, a better view, off to the left). They never sold.

At game time, several expensive seats remained unsold. Photo by Cary Edmondson-USA TODAY Sports

Infowarriors

During the game, I went out to grab a beer and was confronted by some sort of touch-screen beer thing. You'd slide a card, you'd choose a beer, and then the thing would dispense the beer. A woman grabbed me by the arm and yelled that I'd "LITERALLY [emphasis hers] ignored the ENTIRE line." The line was long, to be fair, but I had misunderstood the process. The process was that you had to line up behind 50 people in order to get a punch card, in order to buy beers from a totally automated machine.

Take a look y'all:

Look at this crazy beer tech! Photo by author

The people in this line were mumbling about "biased" refs, too. "It's bullshit," said one guy in line at the bar as he gulped down a beer that he'd finish before he got to the machine that would sell him another beer. "They let us get this far so they could make money, now it'll go to Game 7, because they want to make money." I asked how he thought they'd do this, what system was in place, and he looked at me and said "look, man, they've got cameras everywhere. They know when to call shit." I still don't know what this means.

Near my seat I chatted with a guy who'd had season tickets since the 1990's, and who also shared the conspiracy. "Three phantom calls!" he bellowed in the first minute when the Warriors were called for fouls like "he touched him" or "shoe was too squeaky, distraction on the play."

"It's crooked," he grunted at me as the refs failed to call LeBron for the foul of "scoring points on The Warriors."

Of course this isn't unusual in sports, and Warriors fans are no less petty than any team claiming the referee's a wanker, or wants the other side to win. But they were not quite talking about the refs, or not just talking about the refs. They kept saying it was about the NBA wanting to rig this for an extra game. Perhaps it was more that the Warriors kept trying to do flashy triple-passes or were being outshot from three by a percentage of 36.8% to the Cavs' 45.8%. Or maybe a belief somehow persists that the NBA is just hurting for cash, and must conspire to make more. Like all conspiracy theories, the truth said out loud is absurd—the fans I asked said they "beat the shit" out of the Cavs the first three games, but Game 4 was "stolen." This one was "rigged" too. If someone glanced harshly at Steph Curry, someone in our section would cry foul.

When David West and Tristan Thompson got angry after Kyrie Irving yelled (I think) "Westworld fuckin' sucked!" a fight began. The woman behind me, in the same tone that I've heard really nasty shit said, yelled "THEY'RE FUCKIN' ANIMALS," and "OUR BOYS ARE CLASSY."

Snoop Dogg and Stephen A. Smith shake hands prior to Game 5 because sure why not? Photo by Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

Conspiracy or not, the Warriors carried a lead over an exhausted opponent. My nephew and I could see the tiredness in LeBron's eyes—he had conviction, and some evident fury at his team's failures, but he mostly skipped the Warriors' truculent, endless complaining. The Warriors played whimsical and fancified at times; they seemed almost to be having too much fun.

Yet people kept saying there was a conspiracy. "Refs are in the pocket of the NBA" came from the top of the stands. "It's fuckin'RIGGED," they yelled at every foul, even with a 10-point lead and the Cavaliers approaching exhaustion. Whenever they missed a shot, a man in his late fifties, on his own, would throw the bird and yell "FUCK YOU LEBRON" at the Cavs bench. No matter the Warriors lead, there remained a cacophony of queasy dipshittery.

Yet it really was a great game. Both teams played all out until the end, but the dominance the Warriors hold over the NBA is brutal and stunning to behold. It's simple and stunning how powerless every opponent was when it came to preventing Durant from doing what he wanted; Curry's speed and vision seemed supernatural. If there was coaching happening on either side, I didn't see it. I just saw two teams locked in a game that, however imbalanced, was incredibly entertaining.

In those last 58 seconds, I could still hear chatter behind me about how "we're lucky to have won, 'cause the refs wanted seven games. The NBA just wants our money, man." Twenty seconds remained and one guy yelled "FUCK, WHAT WAS THAT?" for some reason. If you were wondering who was booing when Adam Silver was introduced to hand Durant the Bill Russell NBA Finals Most Valuable Player Award, wonder no more.

My brother and his girlfriend later confirmed that things were no different in their seats. People were wailing about the conspiracy against the Warriors despite a dominant performance. "It doesn't matter we're leading, they're just gonna take it from us," with they being the NBA. The Warriors fans—and I suppose I should add that I'm a Warriors fan, and that I live in Oakland—were worse than just sore winners. They were tantrum-throwing children, seething over their expensive toys.

Hearing "NEVERTHELESS, THEY PERSISTED" as the Warriors led by 10 to 14 points was inarguably my second-worst moment of the game. The next was when the announcer said "and thanks to the players of the Cleveland Cavaliers" and the arena erupted in boos. Sure, it's normal sports bullshit, the human nature of us versus them. But after crying that the NBA was beating up your multi-million superteam and then giving Cleveland hell isn't just unsportsmanlike, it just felt pathetic.

It also felt like the Bay, circa now. What happens if the Warriors decline, as they eventually must? Will it be a conspiracy, then? Will it be bad coaching, then? Will Steve Kerr Have To Go despite two championships in three years? There are a lot of wins ahead for this team, but it's hard to imagine that there are enough for the people I saw fuming through this victory. We don't just have a tech bubble. We've got a Warriors bubble. And when it bursts, it'll be painful.

Golden State InfoWarriors: Among The Conspiracy Theorists At Oracle Arena published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv