#he is the most transgender character ever imo

[clonecylinderjuice]

transitioning wouldn't fix canon Anakin but homosexuality has the potential to. bisexuality would make him worse.

[gothic-marsy]

I'm bored so I wanna drop some info on my versions of the Underlust skele sibs.

Rose/Paps-

Rose is an interesting one to talk about. As much as I love Papyton, I don't think they'd work out in UL. I think they'd be better off as friends ngl, mostly for Mettaton's sake. I also make Rose transgender (ftm). His music taste is very fun! You either get the most heartbreaking songs in his playlist (mitski), the freaky ones, emo music, or the most hopeless romantic song you can ever find (mostly Hot Freaks songs). He's pretty tall, actually. Almost 7 feet!! He's a little taller than Fell Paps, imo. He HATED his junior/high school years, he would hate to talk about them. Now, with relationships, he's not quite good with them. Due to him having done sex work, he doesn't quite understand things. I also gave him Borderline, because I feel like it would make sense with the way he lives. He can also get extremely anxious, but would love giving his lover gift.

Rai/Sans-

I love Rai as much as the next person, but since I want more character depth for them, they're an angry, semi-horny bastard. Sansby doesn't happen in my version, because I give Rai the fear of commitment (and anger issues). Rai is actually non-binary, they dont really feel like theyre male or female. They also rarely do sex work, due to their body semi giving out on them. When they were injected with lust, their magic decreased and made them weaker than most Sanses. Think of it like low iron, or pots if you wanna make It really hard on them. Rai is VERRYYY much a punk. They never enjoyed being under monarch rules. In fact, they were a goth in highschool. While their sense of fashion has.somewhat changed, they still enjoy the music and politics. They're a little under 6 foot as well.

Both-

Now, for both of the siblings, their Canon selves plays a big part in their mental health. They veiw themselves as the caricatures people have painted of their canon selves. Rose can have frequent panic attacks from this, thinking he's a horrible person. Rai gets episodes of anger and resentment towards the world they live in.

Yeah that's it tho :3

[raymond-reddington-ruminations]

Season 10 wishlist, part 2.

Red-

Red's fate directly affects several others, so let's cover him next.

As you might guess from the name of this blog, I do not want him to die. This goes far beyond him being my favorite character.

What a depressing thing when they kill off the character that the story was about. And they've already done that once. If he died, it would just be a defeat of the entire story; like why were we even watching? Why did we bother caring?  I refer you to Game of Thrones, and by contrast Buffy the Vampire the Slayer, which in my opinion had the best TV ending ever. 

I also do not care to have a finger wagged at me by the writers, saying that Reddington is a villain and therefore I should not have cared about him in the first place, he deserves to die. They are the ones who wrote a character worth caring about.  They made me care.  They wanted me to care. I do not find it to be a fulfilling artistic choice when they kill off a main character they made me care about. I find it lazy, bankrupt of ideas, and enraging.

Even with Reddington's own embrace of death, and even with an inspirational voice over from him during or after his death, I could not be at peace with him losing in the end.  All that struggle, all that sacrifice, for naught.

What I do want is for his identity to be concretely revealed within the story far before the season is over. Throughout most of my time watching I really didn't care if they ever revealed it. I certainly didn't think the show ever needed to end just because it was revealed.

But that was before I believed the answer was Redarina.  Now I do see that Reddington could not continue to live the life that he does if that was exposed. All his past enemies would come for him, and a good many of his allies as well. Not just because of his past deeds; he would also be ostracized in many communities for being transgender, possibly even amongst some of his own associates. 

I desperately want the show to deal with that issue, as well as to have NBC show courage in facing down the backlash of having a transgender main character, which no one has known about for 10 years. I also want them to reap whatever rewards they would receive as well for supporting a transgender character.  I would ideally like to see this done at the mid season finale.

I'd like to see James Spader doing the rounds on the talk shows discussing it while the show has a viewership, and it's not moot because the show is over now.  Part of me wonders if they would have had a bigger audience, and therefore more seasons if they had revealed it definitively, at least to the audience if not within the plot, before now. ( IMO they did, but many don't agree) I know a lot of people from my past fandoms who would have taken notice of The Blacklist if they had known the character was transgender.

My ideal ending for him, which I've mentioned before, holds up. Him sailing away on his yacht, with Dembe, Agnes, and Anne.  And someday, I'd like to see a scene from another NBC show where a terrorist is about to destroy XYZ and an unnamed James Spader character appears, smirking, in a fedora, to give them the crucial information to save the day, while he talks about how his wife will be annoyed if he doesn't bring home the eggs and milk on time.

I'll have more to say on this in a round up of other things I'd like to see before the show ends.

Agnes and Dembe tomorrow!

[heckyeahponyscans]

hi!! I've actually been meaning to get into transformers for some time now but it's a bit daunting with how much it seems to have. what would you consider a good entry point to get into it media-wise, like what show or movie to start with? ☺💕💕

Great question! Here are the two iterations that are the most newbie friendly IMO, just judging from how many people onboard into Transformers from them:

1. Transformers Prime - This is what got me back into Transformers after a long hiatus. Currently it’s on Netflix (and two seasons of it are on Tubi.)

Why it's great:

- AMAZING animation, like holy hell. Not only are the character models great, but their body language is so expressive

- Great character design. These robots look rad.

- Small cast with depth. I don't know what it is about the writing, but the cast is so believable. Like, you believe they had active lives before you ever saw them, instead of being written into existence.

- The humans are pretty fun imo. Most Transformers series have a couple human sidekicks and they can be hit or miss. I liked the humans in TFP, and I am notoriously picky about human characters, lol.

--

2. IDW comics "More Than Meets the Eye" and "Lost Light"

This comic was amazing. MTMTE and Lost Light feature the same stories / characters so I'm not sure why they renamed the series--probably marketing or something.

Why it's great:

- Amazing art and character designs.

- The plotline is NOT "Autobots and Decepticons battle on Earth." In fact it takes place after the war is done.

- Optimus and Bumblebee are not main characters. If you're new to TF you might be going "So what?" but believe me, this is rare.

- It's a comedy

- But also there is tragedy

- We get an exploration of pre-war Cybertronian society and wow was it fucked up

- An amazing amount of LGBTQ representation. 

 You know how TF started as a "boys toyline"? This resulted in nearly every TF character being male. A previous comic writer doubled down by claiming female TFs didn't even exist. Then the writer of THIS comic was like, "Welp, guess they’re all gay then." To top it off, he wrote in a planet of female Transformers, who are all gay too. (In Lost Light there's a transgender lesbian couple too.)

- Just amazing, intricate plotlines, just so good.

- Like TFP, still has a large active fanbase

----

Some other quite good Transformers shows:

- Transformers Animated

- Bumblebee: The Movie - They finally made a good live action TF movie. It’s set in the 80s, but also feels like it was made in the 80s, like you could picture this being in the same theater as E.T.

- Beast Wars; the CGI is from the 90s but the writing is sooo good, and most people get used to the CGI after two or three episodes.

- G1 Transformers, if you don't mind cheesy puns. Basically if you liked G1 My Little Pony 'n Friends you'll probably like G1 Transformers, they were literally written by the same people. On Youtube.

- Cyberverse - I wouldn't say it's strictly good, the pacing is very wonky in places. The episodes are only 15 minutes long and the writers were definitely struggling with that constraint. It did have a lot of creative ideas, though, and I thought it was fun. On Youtube.

-------

Series I would not recommend:

- Netflix series War For Cybertron (consisting of Siege, Earthrise, and Kingdom) - It assumes the viewer already knows everything about Transformers, which is weird. Like characters will have a major onscreen presence for several episodes without an introduction, they don't explain what the Matrix of Leadership is, etc. It's also boring.

- The Unicron trilogy (consisting of Armada, Cybertron, and Energon) - Armada isn't great, and the other two are just plain bad.

[nellygwyn]

different anon, thoughts of harlots portrayal of historical sex work?

I got another anon asking for a similar thing so here it goes:

Season 1, in particular, I think, had a really nuanced approach to sex work, historical and contemporary. It says a lot that some of my friends who are full service sex workers felt it explored a lot of the complex thoughts they have about being sex workers. We had Charlotte and Emily who are both ambivalent and ambitious, practical, knowing that money is the most important thing in their world whilst also being unattainable for them in other socially acceptable careers (also, since I did my MA thesis on the rape of working class adolescent girls in Georgian London, where I basically found that working in a pub or as a servant in a house could just as unsavory, if not worse, as being a sex worker in the same time period, I like to think Charlotte in particular knows this very well and that's why she wants to control her own narrative so much). We also have Lucy, who hates it and is taken advantage of by her mother in many ways, and other characters who end up in the sex industry through ~Hogarthian~ methods i.e. tricked by a kindly older woman who turns out to be an unscrupulous brothel-keeper a la Mother Needham. This kind of thing certainly happened, though not as often as 18th century moralists might like you to think, but in the show, it plays into the overarching theme that this is a world where the people who should be looking after sex workers and making sure they aren't treated like shit literally do not care (which definitely mirrors our own times). Like, Emily likes sex work in many ways but when she experiences awful aspects of it? It's always because of powerful people letting other powerful people do whatever they want to these women....the only thing outside forces ever seem to do is moralise or take away their money, or punish them. People who have the power to actually transform the system are basically useless, except Josiah in S2 who initially starts off as useless but does later try to make amends.....he's just not powerful ENOUGH though.

I do wish they hadn't made so much of the '1 in 5 women in Georgian London sell sex' because....that's not necessarily a false statistic but it doesn't actually just include sex workers, it also includes women who lived with men they weren't married to which could've been a financial arrangement or could've been simply women living with long term partners. It also includes women who dabbled in sex work, which was extremely common in a world where other, more socially acceptable jobs for working women didn't always pay very well. We know that a lot of women who were in domestic service in Georgian London also had what we might call 'a side hustle' as sex workers, specifically strollers and bunters (sex workers who didn't work in a brothel and usually picked up clients/did work on the streets). I think Harlots did a good job of showing us like, sex workers who work in brothels but also more independent sex workers like Nancy and Violet, but it would've been nice to have a character who was a maid in a middle class home most of the time but occasionally dabbled in sex work in the late evening. It would've emphasised the theme of money being important and barely within reach, but also would've shown the reality of women's work in this period OUTSIDE OF sex work.

The diversity of the industry was also good, although it's a shame that the show kind of failed at showing us male sex workers, or queer sex workers - I mean, we did see mollies (contemporary name for gay men sex workers) but not in a particularly meaningful way imo. Plus, we could've had a trans woman sex worker, especially as there is precedent in this period! Princess Serefina, for example, was probably a transgender woman and one of the most famous sex workers of the early 18th century. But I think Harlots did show us the amount of women of colour who not only lived in Georgian London, but who worked there and not just as sex workers. We also had sex workers with disabilities, too. One of my favourite details is that Harriet Lennox is inspired by a real Georgian sex worker called Black Harriet who only employed sex workers of colour at her brothel (which Harriet Lennox also does in S2 and 3). And there is quite an admirable attempt to explore intersectionality in the series - Harriet doesn't just experience sexism but pretty awful racism (I mean, she literally used to be enslaved by the first man who made her his mistress)....and this changes the way she experiences the world.

My biggest criticism is of the way Charlotte was killed off. Well, first of all, I have an issue with the fact Season 3 put her in a relationship with a pimp, which is so fucked up on every level. Like, not even just a pimp but a pimp who tried to kill her and the women she lives with. Then, she ends up being ACTUALLY killed off by said pimp and his brother (also a pimp) in the most deranged way possible a.k.a getting in the way of a fight and being pushed down the stairs. So many stories about sex workers, historical and contemporary, employ the 'Dead Hooker' trope and I hate it and I especially hate it for this time period because dying violently or tragically as a sex worker doesn't have much basis in reality. Charlotte specifically was inspired by famous courtesans of the time like Kitty Fisher and Fanny Murray. Both of whom......met someone who was willing to keep them long term/marry them and left the industry, financially stable and contented. This series wanted to honour women like that but I don't understand how it could do that by killing Charlotte violently (and other characters violently). We know that most sex workers left the industry around their mid twenties, usually because they had found a long term keeper/husband or because they became actresses/singers in the London theatres (a job that had strong links to sex work and courtesanry at the time). There were so many options for Charlotte but the writers picked that one, as her exit. It just brings us back to the fact that for some people, sex workers don't deserve any kind of happy ending. In fact, John Cleland, the writer of the scandalous c. 1749 erotic novel 'Fanny Hill,' had his book banned and criticised not just because it was obscene but because Fanny never repents her life as a sex worker. Instead, she marries a decent man and has a decent life and explictly says she doesn't feel bad or upset about her old job. Like, that's an example from the actual time period so imagine my disappointment when history seemed to repeat itself in a period series c. 2019.

[theultimatefanficwriter]

Pride Month Headcanons!

So its Pride Month! And as a proud member of the alphabet mafia I wanna give my opinion on all the Danganronpa characters' sexualities! So let's go, starting with THH!

Trigger Happy Havoc

Makoto Naegi- Pansexual. I'm under the belief all protags are Pan. Transgender(ftm). So I have this whole hc that the reason his door was jammed was that the lock was quickly removed when they found out SHE was actually a HE and I just like the hc lol.

Sayaka Maizono- Straight. I just think she has a big thing for Makoto, but other than that she cares for her career more than a relationship.

Leon Kuwata- Bisexual, heavy female leaning. I ship him with Hiro, but honestly this fucker would probably take forever to admit he likes guys.

Chihiro Fukisaki- Gay. Dont really have a reasoning. Just my opinion lol

Mondo Oowada- Bisexual. He mentions trying to confess to girls, but come on. This guy is fruity for Taka.

Kiyotaka Ishimaru- Gay. This dude meanwhile is just straight homo. He's probably closeted in fear it would bring shame to his family name again.

Hifumi Yamada- Straight. I honestly dont think about the guy enough to give this enough thought, but the way he simps over Celeste proves he likes girls at least. Plus he kept calling Alter Ego she, so...yeah.

Celestia Ludenberg- Straight. Honestly I think she'd be homophobic? Idk i really dislike Celeste, sorry 😅 She just gives me those vibes.

Sakura Oogami- Bisexual. I wanna label her as lesbian, but Kenshiro exists 😒 Women leaning possibly

Kyoko Kirigiri- Bisexual. Though i dont personally ship her with any girls, I can see her going both ways.

Byakuya Togami- Gay. And it's a problem with his family, so he's closeted.

Yasuhiro Hagakure- Pansexual. He just wants to love someone, man lmao.

Aoi Asahina- Bisexual. Again, wanna label her as lesbian, but the Bad End exists, showing she willingly got with three guys. And she does ask Makoto to pretend to be her bf. But she leans heavily towards females imo.

Toko Fukawa/Genocide Jill- Bisexual. It was straight until she met Komaru. Then she realized "Oh shit. I'm gay." But she still has a small thing for Byakuya ig 😒

Mukuro Ikusaba- Straight. We pretend the thing with her sister doesnt exist, alright?

Junko Enoshima- Straight. And definitely homophobic.

Wow a lot of bi peeps lol. Alright, onto the next game!

Goodbye Despair

Hajime Hinata- Pansexual. Again all protags are Pan. Fight me, prove me wrong you literally cant.

Ultimate Imposter- Panromantic, Nonbinary, Asexual. Though I call Imposter he a lot, I think it's almost canon they're nonbinary. I just have stupid brain and type he first without thinking. I also dont really have a reason for thinking they're asexual? I just think they are. But they're probably panromantic in order to fit their talent better.

Teruteru Hanamura- Pansexual. He's so painfully pan. He even says his options are, and I quote, "pretty open." Dis bitch gay.

Mahiru Koizumi- Lesbian. Dont think I gotta explain myself.

Peko Pekoyama- Bisexual. She's totally dating Fuyuhiko, but I can see her having small crushes on other girls.

Hiyoko Saionji- Lesbian. Also dont think I need to explain myself.

Ibuki Mioda- Bisexual. RAGING bisexual. Also I can honestly see her being Gender Fluid as well.

Mikan Tsumiki- Bisexual. She honestly needs therapy more than she needs a relationship, and she probably doesnt really understand her own labels completely, but I think shes bi.

Nekomaru Nidai- Bisexual. Homeboy was a little TOO eager to be rubbed down by Teruteru 😏 Just kidding, though I do think Nekomaru is bi. No real reason honestly

Gundham Tanaka- Bisexual. He obviously has a thing for Sonia, and in a perfect world(i.e. my perfect world) he would be holding hands with Kazuichi daily. Speaking of holding hands he basically breaks Hajime's in the FTEs. Gay 🥰

Nagito Komaeda- Gay. He's very obviously gay coded, mostly towards Hajime though I dont personally ship that.

Chiaki Nanami- Pansexual. She loves everyone equally. Honestly she probably doesnt put too much work on her labels and would probably go by any pronouns as well, so maybe Gender Fluid?

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu- Bisexual. Like Leon I think it would take him a while to accept he likes guys, and he probably leans towards girls more, but he's definitely fruity lol.

Sonia Nevermind- Pansexual. Our girl fucks. She dont care who, she just FUCKS. 🤣 But seriously, I think she just sees love as love. As she should.

Kazuichi Souda- Gay. Transgender, (ftm). He's so very closeted, so badly even he doesnt recognize it. He probably even has internalized homophobia, probably because of his father. Not sure why I hc him as trans, I just think it fits.

Akane Owari- Straight. She probably doesnt think about it much. All she knows is she likes fighting, meat, and Coach Nekomaru.

Alright and onto the last game!

Killing Harmony

Shuichi Saihara- Pansexual, Transgender(ftm). Its. THE RULE. I didnt make it. Sue me. Also fuck it I dunno I think it fits with his whole character if he were trans. Hard to explain lol

Rantaro Amami- Biromantic, Asexual. I admittedly dont know much about Rantaro, but from what I do know, I think he would fit well with just about anyone. I dont have much of a reason for him being Ace.

Kaede Akamatsu- Pansexual. She was the protagonist first, so the rule still applies lol. But even beyond that it just fits her. Hard to explain, it just seems like it works.

Ryoma Hoshi- Straight, Asexual. I know on my ship list I said I shipped him with Gonta, but theres a reason that ship was so low. I heavily think Ryoma is straight. It's just the vibe I get from him. Maybe hes bi curious, but idk. As for the ace bit, it's really dark. I hc it's because of the trauma he endured during prison.

Kirumi Tojo- Lesbian. Idk I look at her and I think "Lesbian power. Powerful wlw moments." Dont ask me my brain just does things.

Angie Yonaga- Pansexual. She always seemed like she was flirting with Himiko and lowkey Tenko, and in the FTEs she straight up wants to get married to Shuichi so like....I dunno what you want me to say.

Tenko Chabashira- Lesbian. Literally no explanation needed.

Korekiyo Shinguji- Pansexual. Putting aside the....obvious....he finds all of humanity beautiful, so he most likely doesnt have a preference when it comes to choosing a partner. Just like with Mukuro we pretend that entire plotline never happened.

Miu Iruma- Pansexual. I see her as pretty open to everyone....Yeah. That's all I got.

Gonta Gokuharu- Bi-curious. Honestly I dont think Gonta knows what he is himself. He probably hasnt given it too much thought, if hes given it any. The best I can think of is bi-curious, assuming hes currently exploring his sexuality.

Kokichi Ouma- Gay. I dont ship him with anyone cause I personally think he'd be a bad partner to anyone he got with based off of his personality, but yeah. He gay lmao.

Kaito Momota- Pansexual. THE LUMINARY OF THE STARS IS FOR EVERYBODY! Probably took a while for him to admit he wasnt straight, but then he admitted it with his whole heart, precious thing.

Tsumugi Shirogane- Straight. Fuck I dunno I dont think about her in a positive light enough to care. Sorry I really tried 😅

Kiibo- Panromantic, Genderfluid, Asexual. Like Imposter, I've called Kiibo he all the time, including every story I put them in, but technically they have no gender. So that does make them nonbinary, but at the same time it leaves the opportunity for them to go by any pronoun they want, so I hc they go by all of them lol. I also think they just love everyone, and for the ace bit, unfortunately, robots probably dont have dicks 😔 Even if they did, I dont think he would be very interested in sex.

Himiko Yumeno- Lesbian. Despite her treatment of Tenko, her reaction at the end of chapter 3 shows she cared for her, and Angie. She probably loved them both, so, lesbian for sure.

Maki Harukawa- Straight. Kaito was probably her first ever crush, so I doubt she ever had a chance to feel out if she was anything other than straight. Even disregarding that, I dont think she'd be anything else.

Alright and those are my headcanons for all the Danganronpa characters! As a bonus, I think Komaru Naegi is a Lesbian! No real reason other than Tokomaru is top tier lol.

Now remember these are my opinions! If you dont agree that's fine! Just be kind!

And HAPPY PRIDE EVERYONE! 🥰🏳️‍🌈

[cadybear420]

Trans Questionnaire for my HSS:CA m!Twin Bear Lee!

Did your character change their name when they transitioned? If so, how did they pick their new name(s)?

He did not. His and Cher's (my HSS:CA MC) were named that way by their bio parents because they thought "Cher and Bear" was a cute name set. He liked it too, so he kept the name.

How old was your character when they realized they were transgender? How old were they when they came out (if they have)?

He's identified with masc terms and pronouns and presented himself as more masc since age 3, so he's technically known it then. But he didn't officially come out or identify as trans until he was about 12.

He also identifies as heteroromantic grey-asexual. He's known he was heteroromantic around the same time he knew he was trans, but he didn't realize he was grey-ace until his freshman year.

What are some things that give your character gender euphoria and/or dysphoria?

His choice in more masc clothing/apperance styles, packing, and his engagement in sports give him gender euphoria. The fact that Berry's sports are ahead of its time with being co-ed is also something he really appreciates.

He doesn't really get much dysphoria outside of being misgendered. He doesn't care much for fem appearance presentations, but as long as he's not forced to present that way then it's whatever to him.

What gender label(s) does your character use?

Most masc gender labels, usually (Masc) (Trans) Boy/Man.

What are your character's pronouns?

He/Him/His

Why did you - the writer/creator/etc. - decide to make your character transgender?

You ever seen the post about certain fictional twins (Dipper and Mabel from Gravity Falls for instance) and how it's incredibly rare for opposite-sex twins to look identical, thus one of those twins is most likely trans? I figured that might as well apply to my HSS:CA MC and Twin as they do look fairly similar IMO, especially since I gave my MC the blonde hairstyle and choosing a white MC with white twin gives the twin the blonde hairstyle by default.

So I headcanon that Cher and Bear were born as AFAB identical twins, and Bear is a trans guy.

Transgender Awareness Month 2023

Prompts and rules below the cut!! Shoutout to @noesapphic and @roxybirdie for helping me come up with some of the prompts!

Prompts:

Meet My MC: share a Meet My MC post for your transgender MCs or OCs

Fanworks: fics/art/headcanons/etc. about transgender characters (either your own characters, canon trans characters, or just characters you hc as trans!)

One word prompts: you can do whatever you want with these, whatever they inspire!

makeover

parade

community

t4t

childhood

flag

Collab: Collaborate with another creator to showcase (both) your transgender MCs/OCs 

Shoutout: Shoutout your favorite transgender creators or characters

Transgender Questionnaire: feel free to answer any or all of the questions below! If you find any transgender ask games to reblog, feel free to submit your responses to those too. And if you don’t have any trans characters of your own, send some asks to other creators about theirs!

Did your character change their name when they transitioned? If so, how did they pick their new name(s)?

How old was your character when they realized they were transgender? How old were they when they came out (if they have)?

Who are some people who give/gave your character gender envy? 

What are some things that give your character gender euphoria and/or dysphoria?

What gender label(s) does your character use?

What are your characters pronouns?

Who are some transgender people your character looks up to?

Why did you - the writer/creator/etc. - decide to make your character transgender?

Rules

This event will start on Wednesday, November 1 and end on Thursday, November 30

Submissions must include the characters full name and which Choices story they are from.

If your work contains a relationship it must be labelled correctly, using "x" for romantic/sexual relationships and "&" for platonic relationships.

All submissions must be respectful of the transgender community as well as the rest of the LGBTQIA+ community.

NSFW/mature submissions are allowed, but must be tagged properly and have the proper community label.

You cannot submit AI generated content for this event.

Tag this account on all submissions. If I don't reblog within 72 hours, please DM me the post as sometimes Tumblr tags can be unreliable.

[rest-in-bees]

do you have a live action bl series with a serious plot you would recommend? i like the stuff you’ve been reblogging but i can’t choose which to start with

hi anon! i wasn't quite sure what you meant by serious (like focused more on the plot than the romance or like more serious tonally) so i went with a mix of the two with the help of the group chat! for the record everything in this list has a happyish ending except for one

a lot of the stuff I've been reblogging lately is from Kinnporsche, which is a thai mafia bl with romcom vibes but it's also v dark. and honestly i don't even know how to explain it? but i want to steal the genders of most of the cast and wear them like little hats (esp this one guy named vegas who i also want to put in a washing machine set to maximum spin) anygay there's three couples and they're all living in different genres, and there's def a reason everyone i know calls it a revolutionary bl. it can be found on dramacool, tws for sexual assault tho and there's also sex on screen if that's a squick of yours

another good one (still airing tho) is The Eclipse, which is thai and airing on youtube every friday. it's inspired by some real life events where the first openly transgender member of thailand's parliament was removed from office due to authoritarian measures (pls do not ask me what they are im too tired to google it) and so they decided to make a bl about an all boys high school fighting against an authoritarian school board! i really like the main couple and the side couple both, it's telling four different queer journeys and i love how all of them are portrayed

there's also Not Me which is thai and on youtube as well, and it follows a dude going undercover in a biker gang to figure out who put his twin brother in a coma. fair warning it's a little over the top at times (white is kind of an idiot but he's sean's idiot) but the pride rally episode makes it worth it imo

next up is Manner of Death, which is a thai crime drama on dramacool and was so cool to watch, bc it was the first bl I'd ever seen in which they could've been a straight couple and v little would change. they're adults and they have really good chemistry even if i think sometimes the characters engaged in some Poor Decision Making™️

and ofc i have to mention Cherry Magic! it's a japanese office drama on dramacool which covers a lot of serious topics and has a great ace character so i think it deserves to be an honorable mention. shoutout to the side couple for being hilariously cringe

next off is 180 Degrees of Longitude Passes Through Us, which i would like to say up front i have not seen! but it does come highly recommended to me and has a serious plot so i wanted to mention it. tws for kind of a big age gap and a sad ending. it's thai and can be found on dramacool

another one i haven't seen yet is Young Royals which is a swedish bl on netflix and looks like it's only angst so I'm ignoring it as that's not my thing but it might be yours! it's a prince and a commoner story set in a high school and my friend said i should suggest it to you since it's serious, season two is about to air!

is Bad Buddy serious? sort of so I'm adding it to the list bc it was so so so good. it's a childhood friends to rivals to lovers romcom and it does cover serious topics and i really like it so i highly recommend it. it's a thai bl on youtube

and ofc i have to mention The Untamed, which is a chinese bl (and as such is censored) and can be found on netflix, but it's based on novel called The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation by MXTX and just so you understand the vibes: the first line is "Good news! Wei Wuxian is dead!" and uh. wei wuxian is the mchecking main character. but the plot follows a lot of conspiracy and murder and a lot of the characters are heartbreaking but i swear it does end in marriage

NOW. there are two dramas that are not strictly bls but are both v homoerotic and so i really wanted to mention them anyway bc they are v serious and i liked them a lot

first off: The Devil Judge. the man himself becomes the head judge in a televised courtroom in a post pandemic south korea in an attempt to remove courtroom corruption and foul play from high priority trials. along the way he engages becomes the beast to a fellow judge's beauty (not a joke they literally said it was based on beauty and the beast and it's kinda obvious) and it has a bittersweet ending, can be found on dramacool

and last but certainly not least is Beyond Evil which is a kdrama on netflix and is this one guy trying to catch a serial killer, but the other one thinks he's suspicious and ofc insanity ensues but in a v dark and murdery way. bittersweet ending again and there is an age gap but it's not technically a bl even tho there's a lot of hinting imo

and ofc look out for Big Dragon when it starts airing on oct 8, it's one I'm really looking forward to (another thai mafia bl ofc)

and that's all I've got right now! anyone else pls feel free to add on to this list and anon def feel free to reach out with any questions! I'd love to know which, if any, you end up watching and your thoughts on it!

[i-did]

hi mlm here. so i want to write andreil smut but im a virgin so i have no idea what exactly sex is like. but i do not want to write it for the.... straight women gaze. what are some things that are accurate to write about. this is prolly super nsfw but i dont know who to ask.

Okay so this response took me literally months, and I'm sorry about that. I honestly was so excited when I got this question. I don't know why I put off responding?? But here I go: 

CW for discussion of NSFW, STD’s, and a lil homophobia

I bet a lot of people who write smut are virgins tbh, that's not to insult anyone or anything, but like writing is a non physical way to explore sex and fantasies by yourself, so you’re definitely not alone lol.

So you're MLM and want to write smut, (and others who want to get my opinions on writing non-fetishistic smut).

Porn is porn and can have unrealistic circumstances to fulfill said fantasy, such as anything from people messing around in locker rooms to tentacles.

To get a general sense of what is common in MLM sexuality, (rather than the typical feminine gaze that is seen in smut) looking at gay porn and gay porn categories is good insight. 

Bear culture, muscle culture, leather culture, etc. 

These are obviously still porn and unrealistic, however being attracted to sweat, jockstraps, and muscles is very common outside of porn. 

Bear culture is a body-positive movement that started because of the gay community's fat-phobia, age-phobia, and overall shittyness about body hair. 

Leather culture is also really big, it started because of the belief that gay men couldn’t be dominant or ���masculine”, even in bed. So in America, leather culture was a way a lot of MLM embraced themselves. 

Going to pride, you will see many men wearing those leather harnesses, it doesn't indicate a preference of topping or bottoming necessarily, they're just something mlm wear and has grown quite popular in the culture, I've known some men to say it feels like a security blanket for them. 

And I think it’s very important to understand these cultures or at least be aware of them on a base level if you’re going to write gay porn. 

Also looking at erotic MLM art made by men, there is Tom of Finland, who was very historically significant, and is the most famous erotic gay artist. There is gay literature, one that openly talks about sex quite frankly is the book “We Both Laughed In Pleasure: The Selected Diaries of Lou Sullivan” which is a series of diary excerpts from a real gay trans man where you follow his life up until he died during the aids epidemic. He talks about sex with partners and discovering himself as well as what being a gay man means to him. He has a real love for sex in a way that is very unashamed and interesting to read about. We know that he wrote the latter half of his diaries with the plan of compiling them and publishing them but he passed away and people in his life carried out this wish for him. He is considered a significant part of gay and transgender history because of this, and his diaries are in LGBT museums. 

Reading gay poetry, looking at gay art, erotic, romantic, grungy, whatever, and you will find and see how they portray things differently than when it’s not portrayed by gay men usually. I mean there is a clear difference between yaoi and bara and that's the audience and authors. Some yaoi are made by MLM, (well technically their called gei comi, or gay comics in Japanese)

“Also known as ‘gei comi’ or ‘men's love,’ bara comics are by men, for men. There is a yaoi equivalent to this, and it is called ‘gachi muchi’-- it is written by women, for women.” – myanimelist.net (lol)

 but more than 90% aren't. I haven't ever heard of a non-MLM bara artist, but I'm sure there's at least one. 

Of course, I've seen things depicting MLM just together pretty realistically that didn't feel like it was written by someone who definitely wasn't MLM, but these scenes tend to be more writing in the general sense of art in the general sense rather than porn, which has a huge gap in characteristics between stuff usually written by MLM vs when it's written by women. (sorry about the binary language here)

I know some people don't like any realism in their porn, but I personally really like small details such as prep being mentioned, foreplay, even acknowledgment of the existence of condoms even if they choose to go without.

Especially as an MLM who lives in America currently, the ever-present acknowledgment and stigmatism of AIDS is around us. We think about it, even when we don't want to. An entire generation of MLM, trans people, and a lot of POC were wiped out. Not necessarily a PWP detail, but including discussion of prep, PrEP (the anti HIV medication) and/or getting tested, even for diseases besides HIV, is a small detail that I think is nice. MLM often have to have a moment when opening up a conversation about sex where HIV is mentioned, our dating apps and hook up apps have sections where you put positive, negative, non-transmissible/undetectable, or prefer not to say. The books take place in 2006 so PrEP didn't exist yet, but also the aids pandemic was happening when they were being born and as young kids, so it wasn't that long ago in society's mind. It's still illegal for many trans people and MLM to donate blood despite that the blood is screened for diseases after donation. 

Also, some realism I like is when a character isn't getting their ass ate first in the morning. Like, for me that's a huge turn-off because I think “holy fuck hygiene.” specifically with anal play I just really think even casually mentioning “washing up” or basic prep, or if you want more accuracy/details mention time between last meals or “x only ate a salad, so he would be fine”. It's like a joke in the gay community to eat chili fries or some shit on a date to indicate that either there will be no anal, or if there is you’re not going to be the one to do it, because you just fuckin ate those fries to say so. 

A cock just going in without prep and no condom is going to A) hurt very bad the body does not do that naturally and can cause injury B) get shit dick.

An also not sexy detail that is common for sex is just laying down a towel so you don’t have to wash sheets. Lube on hands? Wipe off on the towel that you’re on rn. Laying down a towel is pretty normal especially for anal. But this is if you’re going for a much more playing for accuracy sex scene. 

Honestly just writing fingering and prep and stuff like that in my opinion goes a long way and also gives the audience more to read. 

Also, sex is way more than peen in hole. Get creative, frottage, mutual masturbation, docking? Idk like thigh fucking, fucking buttcheeks but not hole, handies, blowies, anal oral, Neil doesn’t have to be the only one who gets his ass ate and things don’t have to follow formulas, in fact, they’re better when they don’t. 

Sex comes in many forms, and like I’ve definitely been with someone and he took off his shirt and I was like what, because he was skinny and clean-shaven and I didn’t expect him to have nearly as much chest hair as he did. I bet honestly Neil has a massive bush, like fuckin, massive. 

Andrew and Neil don’t have to like everything the same amount, Neil could be like “I wanna lick your armpit” and gets really off on it, Andrew is neutral but likes that Neil likes it and agrees even if it does nothing for him physically. Honestly, Neil having a sweat kink imo is pretty fitting lol. 

Try not to categorize the characters into “the bottom” and “the top”, or “the man” and “the woman”

This is something I see a lot and pay attention to how “the bottom” tends to adopt traits that are seen in straight porn that are over-exaggerated. I’m not saying it's inherently wrong to write someone as slim, but we know Neil isn't delicate, but I personally wouldn't categorize him as slim. He's a college-level athlete and is definitely muscular and defined, he has some bulk at least, he isn’t model lean for sure imo. You also often see PWP where the bottom makes a bunch of noise and the top makes none, or the top grunts and the bottom mewls, these are things I personally feel gives the bottom the role of a woman in porn. I don’t think Andreil have rough sex necessarily, but I do think when Neil does make noise, it would be because it was practically punched out of him by the feeling, and would sound more like a gasp than a kitten or whatever. There's nothing wrong with writing them both grunting, both of their voices being lower. Someone bottoming doesn’t suddenly magically not have secondary sex characteristics and stubble and body hair or a deep voice or however, they’re like everywhere else. 

When I read an over-emphasis on Neil’s slim waist and swaying hips and ass I’m like,,, okay someone please mention Andrew looking at Neil’s dick or bulge or shoulders. As an MLM, what do you find hot about men? I like stomachs and arms and shoulders, jawlines, collarbones, asses yes but like in a different way than how I like women’s asses (I’m bi lol) they are smaller and I like them muscled and squared almost. I look at veins on hands and noses and shoulders and backs, I look at a lot and I honestly don't have a type. But yeah so think about what you like, why you like it, what you might want. Or look at what others like, and why and how they want and like it.

what would Neil like, how would he feel about it? And Andrew. I kinda feel like Andrew is low-key masc 4 masc but that's just me lmaoo. Anyways, good luck writing. 

[virgowhizzer]

This isn't canon analysis like my last post, but it's a fan theory. It's just my headcanon. You don't have to share it.

I'm not sure Finn would ever write a trans character, especially not in the 80s. I just don't think it's in his repitoure of personal experience. However, this headcanon actually enriches the story and characters imo.

Mendel is a transgender man. I don't think Mendel is secretive about it, I think he's just stealth. In the time period of the Falsettos, being a trans man often meant being stealth. Until recently, it was often called "the invisible identity".

Why would he be ashamed? A pro-gay therapist/aging hippie has no reason to be ashamed of their own queer identity. In fact, I would be surprised to learn that someone like him, who surrounds himself with queer friend, family, and clients, is cishet!

However, there is the issue of misgendering. Before trans identities and gender pronouns were more accepted among the general population, any client who found Mendel to be a trans man probably would misgender him. Not out of malice, but out of a lack of understanding.

As such, I imagine him confiding to transgender clients, so they feel safe and understood.

To a wary trans Mendel, this misgendering threat includes Marvin. After all, Marvin is a guy caught up in his own gender identity of straight manhood. He can't see the forest through the trees.

Which is why it's so significant to me that Mendel's therapy teaches Marvin how to be a queer man, rather than holding onto a facade of straight masculinity. I think that Mendel's perspective on gender and manhood makes the most sense when he's a trans guy.

In Mendel's relationship to Trina, he presents a form of manhood that has been clearly woven so as to be masculine, but also gentle and considerate. It's an expression of male masculinity that I've seen in a lot of trans guys, like myself.

Mendel is no less masculine than Marvin's straightsona, but Mendel's version of masculinity is natural, not forced. It's self-assured, and places him as an equal to Trina. Who better to redefine masculinity as non-toxic than a transgender man?

It's clear to me that Mendel has considered what manhood and masculinity mean, as most cis guys do not. Mendel's gender identity subverts societal norms, while being totally binary.

Still, how would the hetero Trina feel about dating and marrying a transgender man? We know that, at first, Trina could have never known Mendel's transgender identity. But, what about potential "trans panic" once Mendel came out to her? After all, she seems to long for a "conventional" marriage in "Breaking Down"?

Trina and Mendel's relationship seems to fly in the face of straight gender roles, despite being totally binary and hetero. In that way, Trina gets what she wants out of a relationship with a man, without power struggle. Then, because of (not despite) Mendel's gender expression, the relationship works out perfectly. Trina truly loves Mendel for his genuine version of manhood, whatever that may mean.

This might put all of his anxieties surrounding dating and romance into perspective.

Regarding Marvin and Mendel's struggles to retain power over the idea of "family": these struggles have new meaning when you consider Mendel's attempt to claim a euphoric gender role that's long been denied to him.

Honorable mentions: finger guns, he's short (and won't let us forget it), etc.

As a relevant aside, for a personal hero of mine:

The REAL transgender activist, Lou Sullivan, had top surgery and HRT (before The Falsettos was written).

He was a gay transgender man, who educated people on transmasculinity. He put transmasculine narratives in the public eye. He did an amazing amount of activist work.

I bring this up to say: being a transgender man was an invisible identity for so long. But, around the time of the play, that was beginning to change.

I don't bring this up to trivialize historic activism to fit my fictional headcanon. Instead, as a transgender man, I want to say: we were always here, even if we are silenced.

Because of this, the idea of a transmasc character in a gay play set in the 70s-80s is pretty cool and also historically backed.

If you don't subscribe to my headcanon, nbd! It's just a personal theory. I put way too much time into this post. I didn't even fully agree with my headcanon at first, but I've sunk so much time into my analysis that I think it would be pretty neat to consider.

[rip-the-halls]

I don't really get why anyone would say that Blackwall is homophobic just from listening to small bits of dialogue. He doesn't strike me as the homophobic type,plus Sheryl Chee is a pretty conscientious writer at least when compared to some of the other writers on the team. On the other hand I can understand if people disliked Cullen or Vivienne or even Anders as people certainly love to argue about these particular characters amoung fandom quite a bit.

I completely agree with you Anon. Some people are just so eager to accuse that they'll latch onto any bit of "evidence", no matter how small or flimsy. It's depressing to watch.

I love, love, love sifting through characters' dialogue and dissecting their characters. It's one of my favourite parts of writing fanfiction (which is why I've rarely ever finished anything lol.) So I understand reading into throwaway lines of dialogue, but you've got to measure these things against what you already know of the character before taking them as evidence.

Blackwall has clear prejudice against the upper-class -- less so against women, as evidenced by his initial courtesy shown to Vivienne and his respect for Empress Celene -- but little else. "Well, I'm a man," along with other lines of dialogue such as the disgusted "It's pink," show that Blackwall is biased against men dressing in traditionally feminine fashions. Not to the point of being a bigot -- he eventually makes friends with Dorian and his relationship with Iron Bull is far from toxic -- just enough to step on some toes. It's a normal pov for Dragon Age's setting and one shared by my father, who is for all intents and purposes a decent bloke. He just doesn't like it when men (who aren't transgender) wear pink.

So no homophobia, I think. Just a traditionalist pov. This would likely earn Blackwall a few problems with Cassandra, if it weren't for the fact that he loves strong women.

Female Inquisitor: "Just be there when we need you, and don’t ask too many questions."

Blackwall: "I like a woman who takes charge."

There are many things one could criticise Blackwall for. Homophobia isn't one of them. No one in this day and age would have intentionally write a homophobic character and expect the audience to sympathise with them.

On the other hand I can understand if people disliked Cullen or Vivienne or even Anders as people certainly love to argue about these particular characters amoung fandom quite a bit.

Ah, the DA fandom never changes. This is the most argumentative fandom I’ve been involved in, including Tomb Raider with its era wars -- if only because the TR fandom is smaller.

...Actually, come to think of it, that’s exactly why I ditched the DA fandom for about seven years. It’s more fun to enjoy the world in private. Go figure lol.

At least the fandom doesn’t seem to be as bad now as it was back then, with all its Anders VS Fenris and Mage VS Templar wars. Or maybe I just haven’t noticed the Cullen VS Solas wars because I don’t browse their tags...? Are there shipping/faction wars going on in the fandom still?

But yeah, disliking any of those characters is wholly understandable imo. So is disliking Blackwall, though I loathe to admit it since he’s my favourite in DAI.

Anyway, I’m glad someone agrees with me on the homophobia matter, Anon, and I hope whatever’s left of your day goes in your favour. :)

[gayregis]

which characters are trans this is a scientific inquiry

all of them except vilgefortz and leo bonhart

ok ok jokes, ill go more in depth... some of this is taken from things ive written before but not posted. also for anyone reading this im non bee nary so know that im not trying to describe the experiences of different identities in first-person, i’m basing this off of both my own and my friends’ experiences... none of this is “OMG YES CHARACTER ANGST >:))” but rather depicting personal struggles in fictional characters, so just know that  the more difficult subjects that may be covered are not there just to see the character in pain, but rather to think about their eventual resilience against it and development afterwards

for geralt and yennefer i have more specific reasons why i think being transgender actually fits with their canonical characters & related story arcs, and then for the rest i have headcanons and maybe some reasoning but not a lot.

geralt: geralt already represents how a struggle with toxic masculinity and expectations of masculinity can influence one who wants to be seen as masculine to deny and bury their emotions. him being trans develops upon the aspect of his struggle with emotions, ive seen my friends who are transmasculine / myself when i used to ID as transmasculine struggle with showing emotions bc of feeling like you’re going to be misgendered if you shed a single tear. in canon, we already learn that kaer morhen has a bit of a macho culture (just fyi eskel and lambert and coen are trans too now, don’t go getting any idea that those guys are cis) and i believe that the “witchers have no emotions” thing is like 5% actual biology and 95% being raised to fight and not to feel. vesemir is a good father but he just wasn’t very emotionally nurturing, it’s the caste’s way of raising kids that geralt breaks out of.

i think geralt’s self-image also speaks a lot to the feelings of harsh internal transphobia. he constantly others himself from others and feels like people view him as different, which is metaphorical for any marginalized group under the sun, but also is very common for lgbt ppl. again this is smth ive really struggled with within the past few years so im just projecting/know what it feels like and feel that how geralt sees himself in canon is similar to a view suffering from internalized transphobia.

geralt's character already redefines manhood because he has to learn what it means to be a good father. and i think him being trans would be representative of his constant learning and growth as a person, yet also somewhat involved with his self loathing and feeling like just Him Existing is an affront ... but of course he unlearns this with time and love from others and all of his character development

yennefer: yennefer’s whole backstory revolves around defining who she is and defying the people who mistreated her and told her she was nothing. canonically yennefer of vengerberg is the story of the successful self-made woman... her life as janka she would rather forget, no one calls her by that name, and no one ever would because its not who she is nor who i think she ever was. 

shes incredibly strong-willed and knows what she wanted from life but some things are terrifying to reach out for, like love and acceptance. yennefer has a conflict with love and being loved because that was never a safe topic for her ... (also sapkowski handled this specifically poorly imo, but:) yennefer canonically struggles with being loved for who she is. i think she deals so much with her previous abuse and again, expectations from parents, and coming to terms with the fact that she survived it all. also this isnt even touching upon her arc regarding motherhood. wanting to give a child your everything and everything that you never had... the love and kindness that no one gave you...

ciri: ciri hesitated to ever identify with “girl” or “boy,” she’s also i think the representation of childhood in general, she’s naturally curious about gender presentation as she ages and just never really cares to commit to gender. i think she’d say she was a girl but only reluctantly bc she just doesn’t care much.

dandelion: [from his TV Tropes page:]

he’s an artist and a musician, he’s not gonna be cishet...

ok in a more serious context i think he’s a nonbinary guy, i think him being trans might explain why he has way more friendships than relationships with family members. dandelion, like yennefer, is also someone that had to define who he was for himself, i mean for one his stage persona of dandelion is entirely an artist’s creation/hyperbole of himself, i think he also had to think abt his inner identity too

his gender is also just “your friend that comes to your house and eats all ur chips and drinks all ur beer and passes out on top of you on the couch”

milva: ok unfortunately i currently think milva is the token non-trans friend (she’s nonbinary just doesnt think of herself as trans) but it’s only because her major arc in baptism of fire revolves around her pregnancy and miscarriage and just bc she is not trans doesn’t mean she doesn’t go through her own difficult struggling process surrounding her womanhood. she struggles enormously throughout the series and in her backstory with defining herself between two rigid identities: the feminine maria and the cutthroat milva. in her talk with geralt, she reveals how she feels trapped between these two identities and feels like they cannot coexist. i feel like she’s a nonbinary/gender non-conforming butch* lesbian whose struggles with sexuality intersect her struggles with gender and what it means to her to be a gnc woman. also you have to consider that milva was raised in a small village in lower sodden so she understood gender in the very strict roles ascribed to men and women, so she felt like she couldn’t be a woman unless she was this very traditional idea of what a woman is “supposed to be like,” which she’s both been trying to shape herself to be and also running away from simultaneously. she learns to accept herself within the hansa bc they love and support her for who she is, and she doesn’t need to be strictly feminine or masculine to be understood by them

* i know the terms nonbinary and gnc and butch didn’t exist in the 1260s tyvm, i’m just saying this as how i interpret her in a modern context

regis: gender is a human sociological construct so basically don’t ask him unless you’re prepared to listen for 20 minutes. vampires can exist noncorporeally so they can exist without gender, also i hc the telepathic vampiric language is nongendered as it’s a transmission of pure thought, will, and force, so it doesn’t even use any grammar. i also hc that vampires just appear the way they feel in terms of appearance and age (e.g., regis at around 300 when he died still looked 25 bc he was as stupid as a 25 year old, now he’s calmer and understands more, so he looks middle-aged). when chilling out with humans regis will be referred to as a man bc that’s just how he appears but it’s an identity he had to learn about and adopt, not something he was assigned. most vampires look androgynous anyways bc they just feel androgynous, how are you gonna feel a gender when you don’t know what a gender is... if you HAD to understand him with human labels / put it in a modern context (like if i was making an modern real life AU) i’d say he’s a nonbinary trans man. 

cahir: much like geralt i think cahir’s story is one of living up to expectations, but cahir’s actually takes it a step further because his major motivation in his backstory is trying to prove to his mother that he can be a good son that will make her proud and gain honor for the family... he seeks validation from external sources but faces ruin when he learns that war is not the way to prove one’s prowess and skill

angouleme: shes trans and i simply say so bc shes very cool and funny and i dont think a cis person could be this cool and funny. also i think the story of a runaway teen who was abandoned by her biological family and found solace in a new family is both very good and featured in a lot of trans ppl’s narratives. she kind of exudes this “im finally at a point in my life where i’m safe and cared for, i can start HRT now, let’s gooOOoooOOooo” energy. 

[callsignbaphomet]

So I’m just gonna get right to the point. I love playing Skyrim, I love playing as my OCs in Skyrim. I especially love modding the living heck out of this game while playing as my OCs and pretty much living vicariously through them.

However, as much as I love this game IT IS SEVERELY LACKING IN LGBTQ+ CONTENT AND THE OPTION TO MARRY SOME CHARACTERS OF THE SAME GENDER AND ONE INSTANCE OF AN MLM COUPLE THROUGH A LETTER BECAUSE THEY’RE BOTH DEAD AF IN THE DRAGONBORN DLC IS NOT ENOUGH FOR MY QUEER ASS!

So what to do? Mods! It’s 2020 and a lot more people are openly accepting and open-minded, right? So finding LGBTQ+ mods should be a lot easier, right? Eh.........no. I’ve spent several days trying to find mods to make my Skyrim playthrough as queer as I possibly can make it, specifically for my High Elf OC who is trans (FtM), very effeminate, has a none muscular body and build and very gay. I think now, after several days of research, tutorials, testing and an endless amount of headaches I think I have the mods to make my play through true to how I imagine and have written this character as.

Bare with me for a few seconds, I promise I’ll get to the point and this is worth reading. I’m trying to get as much information in this as possible.

Disclaimer:

This mod list is only for the PC version of the game. Look, I’m super, super sorry but basically over 95% of all these mods are exclusively found online and even if they ARE on beth.net they aren’t used at full capacity from what I understand. Believe me, as a mainly console player, it breaks my heart that I can’t include the consoles for this list.

I won’t be linking to just Nexus. I’ve found a bunch of mods outside of the Nexus that are reliable.

I’ll only be working with the Special Edition version of the game. It’s the one I have and am playing on.

I will NOT be covering female body replacers. At freakin’ all. There are literal dozens of mods covering this. There will only be ONE and it is for very specific reasons only.

In my little venture into finding these mods I came across a lot of homophobic, transphobic and downright disgusting comments within the Nexus. I also found out a lot of queer mod authors were driven out of the Nexus because of said homophobic people. This is what happened to Vector and also why SavrenX refuses to upload anything other than weapon, item retextures to the Nexus. Nexus users and community overall is very homophobic and toxic so I’m very sorry if you see or read something upsetting. I advice you avoid the comments (known as posts on Nexus) tab as to avoid seeing some vile shit. Ignore them and don’t engage them ffs, they just want a reaction out of you. There’s no correcting these assholes much less educating them. They ain’t worth your time. Just report and move on.

The majority of the mods linked in this post have been tried by me, if I haven’t tried them out I’ll say so. Again, I’m learning as I go along and believe me this hasn’t been an easy task to find all of these working mods.

No, I won’t be searching or uploading any ports, texture, mesh or mod edits I myself have done. I ain’t confident in how well I may have or not have edited the mods and more importantly that’s as bad as uploading art that wasn’t done by you. Sadly, you’ll have to do these changes yourself. I’ll try my best to link tutorials. Also don’t go and harass the authors for a port or an update ffs.

I’ll most likely be editing this list as I learn more.

Yes, I will leave links from adult sites. A lot of these sites pretty much force you to sign up in order for you to download their content. It’s fine, just make some random account and you’ll instantly gain access to the mods. Just know there’ll be nsfw images, gifs and videos everywhere in these sites.

While I will be referring to male characters a lot of these if not all can also cater to non-binary characters too!

No, I will not be covering sex mods. I have no intention of adding them to any of my load orders and I really don’t care to. You’re on your own for that category. Try Lover’s Lab.

*Body Mods/Replacers/Races:

Schlongs of Skyrim (aka SOS). Not the only choice out there but the most current and fully working one. Pretty much mandatory for a bunch of mods so might as well have it, ya know?

Tempered Skins for Males. Was known as Better Males; pairs up beautifully with SOS. Super amazing work if you ask me.

Shape Atlas for Men (aka SAM). This is literally the god king of all male body replacers. Want a twunk? This mod will do it. Want a regular Joe? This can do it. Want a bear of a man running around in Skyrim? Yeah, girl, this can do it. Ever since I discovered it I have been obsessed with it! HOWEVER, the full working mod is only available for Old Skyrim, maybe for Legendary Edition but I’m not sure. Vector said he had plans to port the full working mod to Special Edition but confessed he was having issues with the scripts. Also afaik Vector’s last updates on working on the mod were back in late 2016 so I think it’s safe to say this beautiful mod will never be seen running on SSE. Sadly Vector just up and left the modding scene somewhere in 2018. It none of our business but from what I read he faced a lot of homophobic harassment from people not liking his body mod or giving him shit because he didn’t want to make a female body mod. He even faced harassment from our very own community.

Not all’s lost though. Some of the amazing modders in Vector’s site have made a working version for SSE.

SAM Light, SAM Morphs for RaceMenu, SAM SE Vanilla Armor Refit, SAM High Poly Conversion, SAM Light Texture Add-on, High Poly Head

The Ultra Femme. Title should be super self-explanatory. Super good if your character is really femme or non-binary or trans. I haven’t tried out this body myself and I’m not entirely sure whether this is compatible with SE or not. RefurbMadness has a lot of mods hosted in her site and still has some in Nexus that are being hosted by the site’s Care Taker. I’m actually gonna link a few later. I honestly suggest going through her site and reading up everything. She’s pretty clear when it comes to instructions, the only problem is she’s not exactly clear on whether her mods are compatible with SE or not. Maybe it’s written somewhere in there, I’m still new to modding and need very clear descriptions (you kinda gotta talk to me like I’m 5 when it comes to mods). I need to check more of her content and test a bunch of things. She also has armor and clothing mods.

Milkdrinker Male Texture and Slim Male Body for SoS (<3<3<3). Both by the same mod author. Sadly only available for Old Skyrim but the only reason why I linked it is because both mods are super easy to convert to use for SSE. Sweetie, if I managed to do it, you can do it too. Watch this, or this or this or try to Google it and see what comes up. Personally I tried the Slim Male Body and it was pretty good. Unfortunately you’d have to refit all the armors to fit either body yourself.

Transgender Race and NPCS SSE. Like I said before I wasn’t going to link or talk about any female body replacers except for one. This one! Look, there are a few out there but they’re extremely transmisogynistic and fetishistic and use a lot of outdated and transphobic language plus they’re mostly sex mods so I will abso-freaking-lutely NOT be linking them. Anyway, the people behind this port are back to working on this mod and have plans for adding transgender men. As of now the mod only has transgender women. They can’t add more genders due to the engine limitations and FYI they used “race” in the title because this isn’t a body mod, it’s actually a race. This is one of the few mods that won’t play well with SoS.

There IS one more body or better said, race, I tried but I really didn’t like it. Mod worked as it was advertised but--well, whatever, it’s for personal reasons that I didn’t like it and it depended way too much on a lot of more mods and it bloated up my LO something fierce so for that reason I ain’t gonna link it. Mod’s called Femboy if you wanna give it a try yourself.

*Extras (edits, armors, clothes and more):

Enhanced Character Edit SE. Tl;dr this is like RaceMenu but on steroids. It offers way more sliders and because of this it has fantastic potential to mold your character’s body to your personal liking. I used this instead of RM for my High Elf I mentioned earlier. He has a more “delicate” frame and is much thinner than my other OCs and this mod did exactly what I’ve been trying to achieve for a very long time now. Works like a charm.

SSE Luscious Locks for All - Unisex KS Hair. Makes it so that male characters can use all the hair options that comes with KS Hairdos SSE. Guys with long hair! Yummy! <3

Oooooooorrrrrrr you can just install ApachiiSkyHair SSE which has a bunch of long hair options for men to look fabulously yummy! This is the one I’m using.

Femfeet Redesigned SSE Port For Everyone. Look, it’s a foot texture mod, that’s it. Works with Better Males aka Tempered Skins and SoS, so yes, your guys will have pretty feet. Load this AFTER you body mod of choice.

Apachii Divine Elegance Store. This store has so much to offer. Really beautiful clothes and armors, exceptional jewelry, wonderful accessories aaaaaand your male character can also use the nails that are offered by the mod. So if you want your male character to have some stunning and colorful manicures done this mod offers it. They also offer actual claws that also comes in different colors so you can have both styles. Look, imo this is a must for femme male and enby characters. Your guys are going to look beautiful!

Immersive Jewelry - Earring for Male Characters. This enables Immersive Jewelry earrings to be wearable and visible on male characters.

Light Elven Armor for Men, Light Glass Armor for Men, Light Daedric Armor for Men. Tired of women being the only ones to get skimpy outfits? Ja, me too! Here’s some of the armor mods RefurbMadness ported to SSE before she left Nexus. There’s more available for Old Skyrim but you’ll need to convert them over to SSE yourself.

Slof’s Lair. Slof has a collection of skimpy armors, some accessories and even modern clothes (if that’s your thing). They have a link to their Nexus profile on their page but instead of adding all the links I just figured to leave the link to their site so you can check everything they have to offer. I haven’t tried any of Slof’s mods myself though I’m super interested in the Just For Men collection of mods and the Goth Shop (chill, it’s mostly Tera armors without the need to download that massive Tera mod).

Tera Armors Collection - Special Edition. And here’s that massive mod I previously mentioned but it’s actually a really good one. I’ve tested this out on both pc and Xbox One and it looks gorgeous on both!

The Well Dressed Mage. Not exactly skimpy but kind of revealing. Idk, these look lovely af and I wanna try them on my Altmer. Maybe someone else will want to try these too.

Modular Bandoliers and Pauldrons for Males. Pretty simple and to the point. Haven’t tried it since it wouldn’t go with my elf’s more refined bitchy tastes.

Bad Dog’s Skimpy Clothes SE. Some skimpy outfits for guys that were converted over to SE apparently not too long ago.

Bodyslide and Outfit Studio. So none of the stuff listed above is to your liking. That’s where this comes in. Thing is you actually CAN convert female armors and clothes for male use. So download the armors and clothes you wanna use and throw them and the body meshes you use into Outfit Studio. I myself am still learning how to go about doing this and the tutorials out there are kinda hard to come by. Try this video. I followed it and managed to convert a female outfit to fit on a male body I was using. Still need a lot of practice though but am working on it.

As far as makeup goes you can edit the colors of your character’s eyeshadow, eyeliner, cheeks and lips but with ECE or RaceMenu you can edit the colors further. May need to do some extra hard tweaking some choices though, not gonna lie. If I find a much better option I’ll post it.

I’m currently trying to find how the heck to get male characters to wear heels or if there’s a mod that has it. Like, that’s the last thing I need to make clothes complete. I’ll get back to this when I find it.

*Animations:

FNIS PCEA2 - Player Exclusive Animations (Dynamic) SE. So you got your character, you’ve dressed them and done up their hair and all that and to this point it’s all come together perfectly...until your femme male/enby character or your butch female/enby character starts walking and standing idly by and the poses and animations are completely and utterly wrong. Why is he walking like an angry gorilla? Why is she walking like a Victoria’s Secret model down the walkway? Can you switch their animations?

YES!!!

PCEA2--and yes, you will need FNIS to get this working--allows you to make animation changes to only your character. You can even add and/or remove which animation packs you want your character to use! I’ve just barely begun testing this mod as well as adding some specific packs for my Altmer and the pretty female idles works like a charm for him. I downloaded FNIS Sexy Move SE to try this out on him and see if it works but according to Fore it should work as long as you installed everything correctly and ticked the appropriate box to activate the animation pack you want. I’m not entirely sure if you can customize the choices given by each animation pack, probably something as simple as deleting the animations you don’t want and leaving the one you do want. I’ll have to test this further.

*Gameplay and Voices:

Simply Gay Letters. Simple and sweet little mod that adds some letters in certain places all over Skyrim tying certain NPCs to other NPCs. The hinted at couples are all the mod author’s headcanons so if that bothers you I suggest moving on.

Queering Skyrim - Blueflower Necklace. Basically it stops female NPCs from showing interest in your male character when wearing an amulet of Mara. Queering Skyrim - Lavender Menace Necklace does the exact same thing but for female characters.

Same Sex Perks - A Lover’s Insight - Agent of Dibella - Allure. Y’all remember Confirmed Bachelor from New Vegas? Remember how no Beth game has put it in their games again but are totally adding some lazy attempts to include us LGBTQ+ folks? The author has a pretty clear and easy to understand description of the mod in the page. There’s also Gay Insight - A Lover’s Insight Tweak which does the same as the other one but much simpler. I guess it’s up to you and your tastes when it comes to which one to use. I myself am using Same Sex Perks since it adds other perks.

Player Voicesets for SSE - Custom Voice Version. I downloaded this but I haven’t installed it yet. If I understood correctly this lets you change your character’s voice to any of the in game voices. My advice? Go into the page and read everything.

PC Head Tracking and Voice Type SE. The reason I haven’t installed the previous mod is because I have THIS one installed because of the head tracking but it also comes with an added voice feature so this might clash with the other one. I still need to test whether they do the same thing or not.

Skyrim - Player Re-Voiced Series. CaseyTheVA was kind enough to make a bunch of voices for your character. Just your character. I’ve tested these on Xbox and they are legit really freakin’ good! They seem to have added a lot more since the last time I checked. Unfortunately these are only available on beth.net or for Old Skyrim on the Nexus. You could just download them from the game’s mod page and remove the files and upload them back into the game using whatever mod manager you use. I did this with Cheat Room. Or you can port them yourself from Nexus. Honestly the quality alone is worth all the trouble.

[gnostic-heretic]

I'm an aph lithuania fan who is considering the hc that he's trans. Any reasons to adopt this headcanon? ( or like... what about Liet screams 'trans' to you or how does this compliment his character?)

Ah well I think it does compliment his character in a way, though I’m not sure how to explain it.

I guess it’s just that I came up with an entire backstory and a long series of headcanons related to his gender identity I guess... and I love the idea of him being trans because I project a lot of my feelings on this low budget anime man and plus... I love the idea of characters I like being trans in general.

Maybe I can talk a little about my headcanons for him? Idk it’s just a really hard question to answer anon. Because to me that alone is enough to like it and if you flipped it upside down — why should I headcanon Lithuania as a cis man? Why and how would that compliment his character?

... let’s just say people don’t ever ask this question because cis is perceived as default state of being for humans and that’s a bad idea in and for itself. But I’m going to assume you’re engaging in good faith here because it sounds like you are!

Like first of all for me it’s a way (just like all my other trans headcanons) to see more different kinds of trans people in a story and concept I like (hetalia). Cis characters in fiction usually get multifaceted portrayals but trans stories are reduced to pity porn about transitioning and how hard and sad it is and usually written as really sad people. I don’t think that’s necessarily accurate... our lives and history are filled with things that, as Mari Kondo might want to say, spark joy and more trans characters = more chances to show that. Plus we all think of ourselves and our own identity in different ways, its not necessarily simplistic as most portrayals (x trapped in y body is a popular one) would make you think. Lithuania is trans but he doesn’t think about himself and his gender in the same way Poland does for example. That’s something I love to write :D because it shows that we are all different.

I think Lithuania would be very proud of who he is and how far he’s come. His gender identity is important to him because he’s always felt like he’s a part of his people, and wants to be closer to them- so he views his own “transition” not necessarily as “female to male” (because he never thought of himself as “female” in the first place) but as the gender neutral nature of a “nation”, who is dehumanised and put on a pedestal, to “man” — the feeling of finally belonging with other humans. Tolys is a man because it’s what felt most true to him and his sense of self- and he’s lived as himself since he was very young, so his confidence is rarely shaken at least when it comes to his own sense of identity.

(I guess this is aspirational for me in a way but oh well I’ve warned you about projecting)

Also when I say “cis characters in fiction are mulitifacted while trans characters get only to be one dimensional” I also mean that the usual trans narrative is completely centered around gender conforming straight trans people when it’s... not necessarily so. In fact most trans people I know aren’t straight

For one thing views on sexuality and gender have changed so much throughout history that when a person has lived for hundreds of years there’s no such a thing as “gender conforming”. I headcanon Lithuania as bisexual with a preference for guys so decidedly not straight! And as far as presentation goes. When Lithuania first started presenting as male (the Middle Ages) in the Baltic area long hair was considered standard for men to wear. And even in this age he likes to keep his hair long because that’s how he prefers it to look and it’s a good low maintenance hairstyle— plus I wouldn’t call his sense of style masculine as much as I would call it a disaster, he just likes what’s comfortable and cheap and not too flashy. Which usually lines up with men’s fashion but not necessarily in an overtly “masculine” way

Its interesting to have a trans character like Lithuania or really all hetalia characters who lived for hundreds of years across different and very relevant historical changes because he has seen his own “position” change so much throughout history. For starters while trans people have existed forever, the label of “trans” and medical transition science are a fairly recent thing... which is why in historical fics I never use the word “transgender”, but reduce it to the bare fact of life. Lithuania knew he was a man and meant to live as one so that’s what he did.

Now take everything I say as basically speculative fiction based on OTHER pagan religions across the ancient world because there’s not much we know about Baltic paganism in the Middle Ages and the few records we have come from Christians- they’re biased, incomplete and sometimes untrustworthy. I’ve looked into the stances of modern Baltic paganism (Romuva) on lgbt people but found nothing at all— which doesn’t surprise me and wouldn’t surprise me if their stance on lgbt rights was negative because after all in Europe we live in a society (cit) that is strongly shaped by Christianity even if we try to steer away from it.. and Lithuania isn’t the most lgbt friendly place in Europe for that matter— neither is Italy, by the way, this is no moral judgement. IF anyone who knows more than me wants to correct me and or add more info I’d be not only extremely grateful but STOKED please tell me more about the forbidden romuva knowledge because I’m dumb and can’t speak Lithuanian so a lot of (i would even say most...) sources aren’t accessible to me. 😔😔😔

BUT,

The way I base it on other pre-Christian religions across the world Lithuania’s gender variance when he was a young teenager was not perceived as a negative or strange thing. For one because he’s a nation and nations were and are perceived as supernatural beings (sort of demigods) and unquestionable, at least by humans. And secondly because I like to think that in pagan times gender variance wasn’t perceived as a threat to the “natural order” (Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve and so on) but as a part of that same natural order. So a person identifying as a sort of “third gender” or “no gender” (like I headcanon nyo Lithuania would) and a person kinda deciding that their birth assigned gender doesn’t fit and he’d rather be a man, socially (because back then medical transition didn’t exist) wouldn’t be met with fear or disgust but with sympathy.

Lithuania got to transition socially in a supportive environment and then was kind of thrown into the Polish court to a complete 180 in terms of acceptance. The thing is trans/gender variant people used to be a less-known phenomenon until a few decades ago, let alone centuries ago, it used to be easier to be stealth when the regular joe had no idea what a “trans” was — so that’s what he did. And while he found support and solidarity and (gasp) romance in the company of Poland, he also found someone who conceptualised his own identity in a wholly different manner (but this is a post about liet so I won’t get into it ffs) — I don’t think it must needst be remarked that the Russian empire and Soviet Union were just as unsupportive — if not more unsupportive, but we are not here to pass moral judgement. Being stealth would have made dealing with it more simple but being stealth comes with risks and that comes into play a lot when it comes to his anxiety.

...However I think the problem would’ve been and still be mostly humans because fellow other nations (people who- again- have lived hundreds of years and likely have seen a trans person before if they’re not trans themselves) would be open to understanding and learning and not thinking of Lithuania being transgender as a big deal. In the canon hetalia lore we have chibitalia and Hungary as examples of nations who lived as one gender for a long time and then as another. And whether you see this as a trans narrative or not (I sure do) it’s worth noting that we don’t see anyone in the hetalia canon giving them a hard time over it, or being outwardly unaccepting of their gender.

TLDR I hope I could convey even just 0,0001% of my love for trans man liet to you and if I didn’t... well this is just my headcanon and I’m not forcing it on anyone, you do you. Thank you for being open to hearing about it anon because a lot of people just discard the idea before they can even consider it— but most excuses for it (it’s unrealistic, it is weird, i just can’t see it) are based on biases (are trans people not real? why are we seen as “weird” in the first place? why does our existence seem like an impossibility?) and imo not very good. So to wrap this up my question would be how does headcanoning Lithuania as cisgender compliment his character? Well in my opinion it doesn’t— it takes away nothing and I don’t mind it, but it also doesn’t add all the interesting possibilities that being trans gives to his character at least to me. :D

[roslinadama-sinequanon]

Christmas in Connecticut-Chapter 16

In this chapter Sharon and Andy attend Midnight Mass with their family. Later Andy and Rusty have an unexpected conversation regarding Rusty’s sexuality.

I always felt we were missing a fathership conversation regarding Rusty’s sexuality. IMO it was all very ambiguous. We saw both Provenza and Andy being a little uncomfortable with Rusty being gay--Provenza accepted it as long as they didn’t have to discuss it. When Rusty went to Andy once to ask him his adviceAndy seemed a little uncomfortable  and asked if it was about him and Gus. However, by the time Andy was living with Sharon, and Rusty was angsting over Gus, Andy seemed totally comfortable with it all. Also, Andy was far more comfortable and accepting of Provenza’s former partner who turned out to be transgender, while Provenza was a real jerk about it. 

Anyway, this is a sensitive subject that I don’t have any experience with so I hope I did it justice and also kept Andy and Rusty in character.

Now available here:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13293105/chapters/31441479

and here:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12789981/16/Christmas-in-Connecticut

and here:

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining It is the night of our dear Savior's birth Long lay the world in sin and error pining 'Til He appeared and the soul felt its worth A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn Fall on your knees! O hear the angel voices! O night divine, the night when Christ was born O night, O holy night, O night divine! O night, O holy night, O night divine!

Truly He taught us to love one another; His law is love and His gospel is peace Chains He shall break, for the slave is our brother; And in His name all oppression shall cease Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we With all our hearts we praise His holy name Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we Noel, Noel

*****

Sharon held Andy’s gloved hand as they followed William and Colleen up the long walkway to a large stone church. St. Marys. Snow crunched under their boots, their breath fogging in front of them. It was a clear frigid night, the stars shining brightly in the black sky. Sharon shivered and hunkered deeper into her long wool coat. Her dad teased her about it but years in sunny Southern California really did seem to have thinned her blood.

“Papa Andy.” Tyler fell in step with them. “It’s gonna be really, really late when we leave church tonight. Do you think we’ll see Santa?”

Sharon gave Andy a sidelong glance, biting back a grin. They had been following the NORAD Santa tracker all night on the computer and she had just heard Nicole tell the boys that Santa was still far from North America. However, true to form, when their mom or dad told them something they didn’t want to hear, they turned to Papa Andy who often gave them what they wanted. Nicole called him a sucker. He called it being a grandfather.

“Sorry, kiddo. I think your mom’s right, this time. Besides, you don’t want to see Santa.”

“Yes we do.”

“No, you really don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because if you see him the magic’s gone and he disappears.”

Tyler’s eyes widened and now Scott was listening to every word. “So we wouldn’t get any presents?”

“Nope. The presents come with the magic.”

“Oh…“ Tyler sounded a bit shocked by that news. “Then I’m gonna keep my eyes closed all the way home.”

“Me too,” Scottie vowed.

“Good idea,” Andy agreed.

“I don’t think we’re going to have to worry about it,” Sharon said as they began climbing up the stairs. “If they‘re anything like my two when they were little they‘ll be sound asleep by the time we leave church.”

Andy opened the door, allowing Sharon to pass before following. Inside the vestibule, they both paused to dip their fingers in the fonts of holy water, crossing themselves before entering. The church was dimly lit, the sanctuary covered in fir garlands and red ribbons, the altar surrounded by dozens of large flowering red poinsettias. Each pew was decorated with garland, a big red velvet ribbon tied in a bow and a white candle.  Organ music filled the chamber with the soft beautiful strains of “Oh Holy Night”, which just happened to be one of Sharon‘s favorite Christmas hymns. The scent of frankincense permeated the air, bringing with it the sense of familiarity and peace that it always did for her when she entered a church.

There was something mystical about midnight mass. It brought back all the feelings of enchantment that Sharon had felt as a child. The rituals, the Christmas hymns, the excitement of being allowed to stay up so late, the strangeness of being at church so deep in the night and best of all  the titillating possibility of seeing Santa and his reindeer flying across the night sky. All of it had been as magical for her and Chrissie as it later had been for Emily and Ricky, and now Tyler and Scottie.

But for all that, her feelings as an adult ran so much deeper. Reaching out to thread her fingers through Andy’s, she looked down the pew at her parents, her children, her soon to be stepfamily, warmth spreading through her. She truly was blessed. She had a man in her life that loved her with all his heart and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Her parents were aging gracefully, her children were healthy, and with Nicole, Dean, and the boys, that family was expanding in ways she’d never expected. She couldn’t remember ever being as happy as she was right now.  

The only blemish on that happiness came when she turned from her family to take in the beautifully decorated altar. The sharp twinge in her heart caused her hand tighten on Andy’s and she had to blink back the quick sting of tears. When she thought about marrying Andy this was where she pictured herself. Standing at an altar covered in flowers, making their promises to each other in the presence of God. But what if they couldn’t make that happen?

As if he could read her mind, Andy looked over at her with a smile. Just a few hours ago, she’d tried to explain that smile to Chrissie, but it was hard to convey the power that it had over her. That smile could lighten her day and cause her knees go weak with lust. It could fill her with tenderness and make her heart soar with joy. And best of all there were times like tonight when it had the power to make her feel like no matter what happened; everything was going to be all right.

After a brief moment of silence that got everyone’s attention, the organist began the loud joyous strains of “O Come All Ye Faithful” which began in Latin but would eventually switch over to the English translation. The sanctuary lit and the congregation rose for the opening procession; the swinging thurible of smoky incense, ministers carrying the cross and candles, the deacon carrying the Book of Gospels and finally the priest. Standing at Andy’s side listening to the voices rise in the call of the faithful, the sense of peace she had experienced upon entering the church washed through her again. She smiled back at him. It didn’t matter what Jack signed or didn’t sign, as long as she had this man by her side, everything else would sort itself out. And with the joy of that peace, her voice joined his in the beautiful hymn.

Adeste, fideles, Laeti triumphantes, Venite, venite in Bethlehem! Natum videte, Regem angelorum Venite, adoremus! Venite, adoremus! Venite, adoramus! Venite, adoramus Dominum!

O come, all ye faithful Joyful and triumphant O come ye, o come ye to Bethlehem Come and behold Him Born the King of Angels! O come, let us adore Him O come, let us adore Him O come, let us adore Him Christ the Lord

*****

Trying not to wake anyone, especially the kids, Andy nearly tip toed down the stairs. When he got to the living room he found it dark, save for the blinking lights on the Christmas tree. They must have forgotten to shut them off when they all finally stumbled off to bed after returning from midnight mass and putting the kids gifts out under the tree. His feet barely made a sound thanks to the plush carpet runner, but he cursed at the loud click the lock on the front door made.

“Andy?”

“Jesus Christ!” Andy spun around, going for the gun that was not on his hip. He was barefoot, in new red and green plaid flannel pajama bottoms and a dark green waffled t-shirt--a gift from Sharon. It was an O‘Dwyer/Raydor tradition that everyone got new pajamas on Christmas Eve in preparation for pictures Christmas morning. It was easy now to see where Sharon got her love of tradition and holidays and how she‘d passed that down to Ricky and Emily who had been waiting eagerly, like little kids, for their new pajamas. Though Rusty was still fairly new to the whole tradition thing, he was sitting in the big overstuffed chair in front of the Christmas tree wearing the same new pajamas, but with a red shirt instead of green. “Are you trying to really give me a heart attack?”

“You just got engaged. You’re not running out on my mom, are you?”

“Yeah, barefoot in my pajama’s. Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Then what are you doing creeping around in the night like a cat burgler?”

Andy rolled his eyes at the description. “We ate the cookies the kids left for Santa, but we forgot the carrots they put out for the reindeer. I told your mom I’d come down and grab them.” Andy sank down on the couch across from Rusty. “Why are you still up?”

“I dunno, I just couldn’t sleep.”

“Too excited about your presents? “

Rusty gave him an amused smirk before his face turned serious again.

“I’ve been thinking a lot. Being here this week, getting to see where mom grew up. Now the holiday. Before I started living with Sharon, I never celebrated Christmas. Most of the time my mom was so strung out she didn’t even know what day it was. Even if she had remembered that it was Christmas, she didn’t have any money for a tree or presents or a big Christmas dinner. And we sure never went to midnight mass or watched Christmas movies or baked Christmas cookies together. My first Christmas with Sharon I acted like I thought it was all pretty lame, but that isn’t really how I felt. I like that she gets so into it--even when she makes me watch ‘White Christmas’ with her.”

Andy chuckled. “It is her favorite Christmas movie.”

“Sometimes when I listen to Emily and Ricky and they’re telling stories about what it was like for them growing up I feel like that little match girl in the story they were talking about the other day. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I’d been born to Sharon. If I’d had the chance to grow up with her as my mom and always had these big Christmas’s with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. To be tucked into bed at night with a Christmas story from the 25 Days of Christmas. To decorate gingerbread and sugar cookies and make popcorn and cranberry garland while we listened to Christmas carols. To sit in front of the tree watching all those classic Christmas movies together, even those cheesy Hallmark ones she loves. To spend a day making ornaments out of pinecones that she’d put on the tree no matter how ugly they were. And let’s face it, Ricky’s were pretty ugly.”

Having recently seen some pictures of Sharon’s earlier Christmas’s when her kids were young Andy could only nod in agreement. “They really were pretty ugly.”

“I mean, I know it wasn’t perfect. I know they had some hard times because of Jack. But Emily and Ricky were really lucky to have a mom like Sharon.”

“Yes, they were. And so are you. Sharon’s a very special person and she’s an incredible mom. I’m sorry you didn’t get to have those kinds of Christmas’s when you were young. But you get to have them now. And I bet they mean even more to you because you don’t take them for granted. I had a lot of lonely Christmas’s after my divorce and for a long time I was filled with anger and bitterness and regret. It ate at me and I wasn’t a very happy person. But since I met your mom, I find it’s a lot easier not to look back. I’m happy here and now in the present and that’s what’s important. I’m looking forward to my future. And so should you. You’ve got a lot going for you Rusty, don’t let your past take away the enjoyment of your present.”

“Mmm..” Rusty hummed in way that was very reminiscent of his mother, biological or not. “That’s not always easy.”

“Are you missing Gus?”

“Maybe a little.”

“It’s too bad he couldn’t come.”

“It’s probably for the best.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Well, you know…” He gestured toward his grandparent’s bedroom.

“You know they know you’re gay, right?”

“Uh, yeah. Mom told them right after I came out. But knowing it and seeing it are two different things.”

Andy’s brow furrowed. After moving in with Sharon, he had become privy to some of the more personal details of Rusty’s love life. He knew Sharon had given Rusty the okay for Gus to spend the night at the condo, yet he’d never done so. It had become quickly apparent that Rusty’s inability to embrace his homosexuality publicly seemed to be a sticking point in his relationship with Gus and had been for a long time. But he’d kept that observation to himself. Which was funny, really. He’d never been shy about offering up his opinions on just about anything. He’d made no bones about his disdain of Slider when Rusty was doing his vlog and had no problem calling the kid out when he thought he was being selfish or taking advantage of Sharon, but unless Rusty had come right out and asked, he’d steered well clear of offering advice on his love life. As if by some unspoken, tacit agreement, he and Rusty had never discussed Rusty being gay. Andy always just figured it was awkward enough for any teen to talk about anything sexual with a parent, let alone for a gay son and the heterosexual live in boyfriend of his mother, so he hadn‘t pushed it. At least that was what he tried telling himself. The truth was more along the lines that he felt awkward about it, and he wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was time to man up and just get it all out in the open. He took a deep breath and finally asked, “Are you ashamed of being gay?”

Rusty‘s eyes widened with surprise and he began to squirm. Fighting the urge to simply get up and leave, he clutched at the soft fabric of his pajama bottoms in an effort to quell his anxiety. Where had that question from?  He’d gone to Andy a few times for advice and had seen the discomfort on the older man’s face when he’d inevitably asked, “Is it about you and Gus?“ As if he would go to Andy Flynn for dating advice. The very thought made his gut clench. Andy was a macho guy’s guy, notorious within the department for his appreciation of beautiful women and serial dating. At least until he‘d fallen head over heels for Sharon and set out to win her heart.  How could a man like that understand him?  “No….Well, uh…I was…I guess I tried to deny it for a long time. I wanted to be normal. I wanted people to think I was normal. There was even a time I thought I might be able to fix it.”

“By seeing Kris?”

“Yeah. That didn’t work so well. I really liked her, and I tried, but I couldn’t like her that way.”

“You know you don’t need to be fixed, right?”

“I do now. Mom helped me see that. She said I was normal just the way I was and that she loved me no matter what.”

“Your mom is pretty great that way.”

“She is. “

“So, why are you still trying to hide it?”

“What do you mean? “

“Rusty, you had a big fight with Gus because he tried to hold your hand in public. Every time he touches you in front of other people, you flinch away from him.”

Rusty paled. Gus was always riding his ass about that; he had no idea that his discomfort had been so obvious to others. “You noticed that?”

“Hard not to.” He’d also noticed that when they all watched a movie together, Sharon would lay her head on his shoulder, while Rusty made it a point to sit alone in a chair, never next to Gus on the couch. Yet, many times when he and Sharon came home from work or a night out they‘d often found the boys sitting together on the couch. It seemed to be only a problem when others were around.

“I guess I am still a little uncomfortable with it.” Looking up into Andy’s face, he saw none of the recriminations that had twisted the features of his biological mother. Instead, the honest curiosity and compassion in Andy’s eyes compelled him to open up about his deepest fears. “It’s just; I don’t want to be those guys that picked me up on the Strip.”

“Oh my God. Is that what you’ve been worrying about? Rusty you have nothing in common with those guys, anymore than I have anything in common with straight pedophiles that molest little girls. Sex between two consenting adults has nothing to do with what you went through. Gay or straight those guys who prey on underage kids are criminals.”

“I know, I do know that. It’s just…My biological mother said some things to me and I can‘t seem to get them out of my head.”

“Oh yeah, what did she say?” This ought to be good if it came out of the mouth of Sharon Beck.

“She said my being gay was disgusting to her and that knowing what I was is what made her turn to drugs. It‘s also one of the reasons she and Gary dumped me at the zoo.”

Andy gave a rumble of disgust. “Rusty, that’s what addicts do. They blame other people because they don’t want to blame themselves. Did you tell your mom about this?”

“No. She knows I fought with my biological mother but I couldn’t tell her the terrible things she said. I mean, obviously mom knows about my past, that I was hustling, but she doesn’t know all the dirty details. And I don’t want her to know, because I never want her to be revolted by me. I couldn’t stand that. I need her…I need her to love me.”

Andy shook his head with regret. Sharon Beck had sure done a number on this boy. Between growing up with her as a mother and having to sell his body at such a young age, it was no wonder the kid had an issue with his sexuality and intimacy and that he equated sex with being dirty and degrading. It was a good thing that Sharon had gotten him into therapy. He hoped that Dr. Joe was helping him work through all that. “Rusty, we can’t change the past or any of the choices we made but your mother loves you no matter what you’ve done. That’s the thing about unconditional love, there aren’t any conditions attached to it. You are your mother’s son and she is so proud of you and all that you’ve accomplished. “

“I know she is. It’s just …Sometimes I don’t feel worthy of that. She’s always been a great mom to me, from the first day she took me in, but I haven’t always been the greatest son.”

“No, you haven’t.”

Rusty’s head snapped up at the blunt response. One of the reasons he trusted Andy was because he was a “tell it like it is” kind of guy and didn’t waste time sugar coating things. Still he hadn’t expected him to agree so readily.

“Look kid, in my experience teenagers can be a fucking nightmare. I know I gave my own parents some gray hair and I’m sure Emily and Ricky share some of your feelings now that they’re grown. Your mom has the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever known. She has this huge capacity for love and forgiveness. Hell, she fell in love with me and I used to call her the wicked witch of FID.”

Rusty snorted. He hadn’t heard that one before, but it didn’t surprise him. He’d had a front row seat to the animosity Sharon had faced when she’d first taken over Major Crimes.

“She knows everything about my past, all my flaws, all the mistakes that I’ve made and she still agreed to marry me. Because she knows, people change. There’s a saying we use in AA, ‘Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.’ Most people have something in their pasts that they aren’t proud of, we all make mistakes, but who are today isn’t always who we were.”

Rusty nodded. He sure wasn’t the same person he’d been at 15, living on the streets, selling his body and living in fear every single day. But there was one fear he still had, a question that had always been there in the back of his mind but that he‘d left unasked. A topic he’d never quite been sure how to bring up. Taking a deep breath he figured it was now or never. “I answered your question, now it’s my turn to ask you something.”

“Okay, shoot. “

“Well, since you’re going to be my step- father sometime in the near future, there’s something I need to know before that happens.”

“Okay.”

“When I was coming out…It was really hard for me. That was mainly because of you and Lieutenant Provenza. The two of you, you were the only real men in my life and I was afraid you might be….well…”

“Homophobic?”

“Maybe, yeah. And now I know that you’re not. I mean you’ve been great to me and you’ve been great to Gus. You’ve never treated us with anything but respect and you‘re friends with Gavin and Dr. Morales and Dr. Joe and all. But when you and mom first started looking for houses and I was worried that I might be in the way, you said that if my mom thought you were trying to get rid of me she’d flip out, so I need to know. How much of your acceptance of me is because you want to please my mom? Does it bother you that I am…the way I am? I need you to be honest with me here.”

Andy took a deep breath knowing that his future relationship with his step -son might very well hinge on the way he answered this question.

“Look kid. Was I always sympathetic or understanding when it came to homosexuality? Probably not. But you have to remember, I grew up in a time when no one talked about it, and if they did, it was whispered as if it was something shameful.  Then I joined the LAPD in less than politically correct times. Things were different back then. Everything was a stereotype. I honestly believed there were no gay men on the police force, in the fire department, or in professional sports. It sounds stupid now, but that’s the way it was. We were ignorant. Then AIDS hit and it forced guys out of the closet. I had a friend on the force that had to come out. “

“What do you mean, “Had to”?”

“In the 80’s if you got AIDS, you pretty much died.”

“Oh.” Rusty swallowed tightly. He‘d been worried about AIDS too while he was hustling. “You said he was your friend. Did you think about him differently after you found out?”

“At first. I mean it was a shock. Like I said, I had an idea of what a gay man was in my head.  Steve was tough, a jock, he didn’t fit the stereotype I’d been taught to believe at all. Like I said, I was pretty ignorant back then. I had no idea that for years he’d been living a double life, pretending to hit on women when we all went out to bars, then sneaking off to gay clubs to pick up guys. He lived every day with the fear that people would find out who he really was and how they would react. That‘s no way to live.”

“I remember feeling like that. I thought for sure Sharon was going to throw me out when I finally had the guts to tell her and then I was really afraid to come out to all of you. I thought it might change how you felt about me. I tried to get Mom to do it for me.”

Andy gave a soft snort. That sounded like Rusty. “Bet that didn’t go over too well.”

“No, it didn’t. Your friend, Steve. Did he die?”

“Yes. He did. I went to visit him in the hospital. You could tell he wasn’t gonna make it, he‘d wasted away to nothing. His mom was there but his father wouldn’t visit him. I was pretty pissed about that. I just can’t see how any father could justify not being there with his son when he’s dying, you know?”

“Sounds pretty shitty.”

“It was pretty shitty. He wouldn’t listen to Steve’s mother, so I called him, told him how sick Steve was, and asked him to come and say good-bye. He refused. All he kept saying was that he didn’t understand how a son of his could be gay.”

“Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Do you understand how someone can be gay?”

“I…uh…Well, there are a lot of things I don’t understand. I don’t understand how your mother can be a Packers fan over the Rams when she‘s never even come close to living in Green Bay. But I do understand her passionate love of football.”

Rusty rolled his eyes at Andy’s attempt at levity. “You’re avoiding the question.”

“Yeah, okay, you want the truth? Here it is.  Do I understand being attracted to another man? No, I don’t. Not any more than you or any gay man can understand my attraction to women. But I’ll tell you what I do understand. I do understand attraction. And I do understand love. And I also understand that we can’t make ourselves love people or not love people and we can‘t help who we are attracted to. You found that out with Kris.  I found it out with my ex-wife and with Sharon. I tried to force myself to love my ex after I’d fallen out of love with her because I wanted my marriage to work. I couldn‘t do it, because you can’t make yourself feel something you don’t feel. And then, falling in love with your mom, I mean that was just crazy. The odds were stacked pretty high against us. She was still married, on paper anyway, she was my boss and there was a time when we argued all the time. We were fire and ice.”

“I remember that.”

“Even once we got past the FID stuff, we’re so different. She is a beautiful, cultured woman and I’m a street kid from Brooklyn. She’s fancy French restaurants and I’m hot dogs at Coney Island. She’s Mozart and I’m Jimmy Buffett.  She had a bad marriage to an alcoholic and I’m a recovering alcoholic. She’s a cool play it by the rules and I‘m an impatient, push it to the edge. We weren‘t supposed to click. I mean none of it made any sense. But as they say, the heart wants what the heart wants and my heart wants your mom. I understand that.”

“Mmm…Mom did have a pretty heavy duty case of denial going there for a while.”

“It’s never easy when you’ve had a bad relationship to allow yourself to trust in a new relationship.”

“Well, you’re nothing like Jack.”

“Really?” Andy raised a brow. “I’ve heard some people say we’re pretty similar.”

“Not in the ways that matter. The way you treat Mom is so different from the way Jack treated her. You don’t try to manipulate her to do what you want the way Jack did. You don’t hide things or have ulterior motives. You don’t try to guilt her to do what you want or use the people she loves to get at her. Those are all the kinds of things I’ve seen Jack do. You respect her. You do things you don’t want to do because you know it will make her happy and she does the same thing for you. And even though Jack’s known Mom a lot longer than you have, you seem to know her much better than he did.“

“You think?”

Rusty nodded. Because of the trauma and abuse he’d gone through each time his biological mother brought a new boyfriend home, he’d watched Andy’s relationship with Sharon carefully and warily. Expecting the worse, what he had seen instead was a lesson in true love.

A lesson brought home by the way his mother lit up when Andy walked into the room and the sappy adorable smile she’d give him when he brought her home flowers “just because”. It was the way she’d lovingly changed his bandages after his surgery and the way she fussed and worried about him while he was recovering. It was in the affectionate way she played with the buttons on his shirt or stroked his tie and the way she was always careful to wipe her lipstick off his face each time she kissed him. It was in the way she would take his hand in public, intimately threading her fingers through his.

It was in the way that Andy picked up her favorite Thai food for dinner because he knew she’d been busy and had to skip a meal and wanted to make sure that she had something to eat. It was the way he brought her Advil and green tea after seeing her rubbing her temples, instinctively knowing she had a headache.  It was the way he opened doors for her and held out her chair and the way he guided her along with a hand resting protectively on the small of her back. It was the way he would swing her legs onto his lap and give her a foot massage after seeing her wince when she took off her high heels at the end of a long day. She didn’t have to ask, he just did it

It was a million little things that to others might have gone unnoticed, but not to Rusty. At work, Andy might be brash, tough, and impatient but with Sharon, he was always attentive, thoughtful and gentle.

“When I was living with my biological mother I saw a lot of the bad stuff in relationships; rage, violence, cheating, but watching you and Mom and the way you support each other and  take care of each other has shown me how people are supposed to love each other.”

Andy’s brow lifted with surprise. After initially seeming to be okay with him and Sharon dating, Rusty had grown increasingly squeamish when their relationship progressed to the point that they were visibly affectionate with each other and even more so when he had begun spending the night at the condo. There was nothing unusual about that and Andy hadn‘t let it bother him. No son liked to think about his mom having sex, even if he liked her boyfriend. He got that.  But he hadn’t realized just how much the kid had been paying attention to the other aspects of their relationship. “I appreciate you telling me that. It means a lot for me to hear you feel that way. But I want to get back to your initial question because it’s important to me that you know this.  No, it doesn’t bother me that you’re gay and I’m not just saying that just because I love your mother and want to please her. I care about you Rusty, and I want you to be happy. Male, female, black, white, rich, poor, gay, straight, we‘re all just people and if there is anything I’ve learned through my experiences it’s that all that matters is trying to be the best person you can be. I think that’s all you can ask of anyone.”

Sitting in the stairwell Sharon’s eyes burned with tears, her heart swelling with love. Her conversation with Christine still fresh in her mind, it was hard to believe there had been a time she’d thought Andy was a jackass.

Andy looked at his watch. “You might want to head off to bed, I have a feeling those two boys are going to have us up at the crack of dawn.”

Rusty laughed. “I think you’re right. They were definitely excited. ” He rose to his feet and stood awkwardly for a moment before finally gearing up the courage to do something he’d never done before. Leaning down he gave Andy a quick half shoulder hug. “Thank you,” he said. “For being honest with me. I’m, uh, glad you’re marrying my mom.”

Andy’s lips quirked in amusement as he watched the boy quickly disappear toward his bedroom. What a difference from the enthusiastic, “Andy, welcome to the family!” bear hug Ricky had given him after he and Sharon had announced their engagement.

Sharon’s two boys could not be more different.

Rusty Beck was a hard nut to crack, no doubt about it. In comparison, Ricky was easy. He’d hit it off right from the start with Sharon’s eldest son, even before they were dating. Ricky was as open and friendly as Rusty was wary and guarded. He had an infectious, fun loving personality, not unlike that of an overgrown puppy. You couldn’t help but like the kid. And he and Ricky had so much in common. They shared a near obsession with the Dodgers and other sports and never had trouble striking up a conversation, most of them revolving around baseball, football, basketball and hockey.  And when he found out the kid liked to fish, one of his own favorite pastimes, he’d set up a deep sea fishing trip for the two of them off the coast of Catalina. They‘d listened to the Dodgers on the radio, soaked up the sun and caught an almost 20 pound halibut. It had been a great day, both enjoying each other‘s company. When they got home, they’d grilled fresh halibut steaks out on the condo balcony and told fish stories to Sharon, Rusty and Gus well into the night. The trip had been such a success and they’d had such a good time together they talked about going out again to try to catch Marlin, only this time Sharon and Gus wanted in on the action which left him hopeful that Rusty might give it a try.

It was easy with Ricky in ways it had never been easy with Sharon‘s prickly youngest. With Rusty he‘d often felt like he was walking on eggshells. The kid was moody and sensitive and had a chip on his shoulder a mile wide. It hadn’t been easy to find a way to reach him. Rusty usually turned to his laptop when he and Sharon put a sporting event on TV, he didn’t even know the difference between overtime and extra innings and he found fishing a colossal bore. Yet, somehow, Andy had been able to forge a bond with the boy that grew stronger every day. They cooked together, played chess and cards, competed against each other in video games and when the new season of ‘Game of Thrones’ came out they could both be found, along with Sharon, in front of the TV sharing a big bowl of popcorn.

“Hey.”

At the touch of a hand on his shoulder, Andy was brought out of his thoughts, looking up to see Sharon smiling down on him.

“Hey, what are you still doing up?” He took the hand she rested on his shoulder and kissed the back of it.

“I was waiting for you to come back to bed,” she said, allowing him to pull her down onto his lap. “When you were taking so long I got worried.”

‘How much did you hear?”

“Enough. Have I told you lately how much I love you?”

“Considering how long it took you to say it, I can never hear it enough.”

Sharon cupped his handsome face in her palms and leaned in close. “I love you, Andy Flynn,” she said just before her lips touched his.

And Andy could not think of a better way to finish off Christmas Eve then necking with his lady under the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree.

TBC

[noctomania]

I know i complain a lot about this & i know i may not know everything but what i do know has just continued to piss me off.

I used to use this tumblr partially just to rb stuff but also to dump shit that was on my mind kinda like a livejournal (i used to have one). I liked having it out in the open so that if ppl out there were going through something similar they could see they weren't alone in experience or in having no idea of what to do. For the past few years every time i wanted to do that i had to second guess myself bc my stepmom thought it was ok to find my blog & creep on it without letting me know until she came across something she wasn't happy with. After she told me that, i tried to change as much in my privacy settings, short of deleting my blog entirely, to prevent her from snooping if she wasn't going to respect me. I still don't know if any of it worked. For all i know she could still be.

My mind is often plagued by the time I was reaching out to my parents when i was facing homelessness, like serious homelessness. Not the summer homelessness i had already been enduring for the 5yrs prior. I'm talking i couldn't get a full time job & was barely surviving on part time work at Marshall's for minimum wage & no benefits. Im talking i was lucky i had any savings left over after college bc most got ate up - literally. Im talking i worked through college to feed myself, PLUS was an RA to cover housing fees, plus a full time student. My first apartment i was living in a large closet. As a sublet. Paying twice as much rent as i should have been. And got robbed a half a months rent.

When i was already reaching out to social services i also reached out to my parents for advice. I said nothing about money nothing about moving onto their couch. Just guidance. They came back at me with "we can't help you". They made it seem like i was asking them to carry me. I felt at that point the only option i had with what experience i had was to run away back to school. Which meant literally doubling the debt i already had. The only reason i wasn't paying into the debt at the time was i was literally too poor to.

Going back to school was great i terms of i had money finally & got to move back to salem & afford living alone. But if you're running away TO school...you don't want to go to school you want to run away. I wasn't ready, i was just desperate. So the plan failed, i failed, i ran away again. I was exceptionally "lucky" this place had jobs open.

But what im on about tonight is the info i found about my parents & their money. Now mind you when i say my parents i mean my dad & his wife. My real mom been dead long time. SHE was poor. SHE raised my sister & i primarily alone. We had food bank & food stamps & free/reduced breakfast lunch & hand-me-downs from neighbors. That's how I grew up. So when my stepmom tried to deny that we grew up poor I cut her out of my life. Haven't spoken to her in years & only just spoke to my dad for first time in years my last birthday. I sadly regret taking the call bc it was just "when you gonna move your stuff out". After years of not talking. All he could think about was that. My stuff which mind you they stuffed into a corner of a mouse-infested garage so inevitably a lot of my stuff is now rat-nestings. They couldn't spare a single one of their several fuckin rooms IN THE HOUSE.

Tonight i was bored & thought what if i can look up info on how much they couldn't help me when i was broke. Turns out they make over 220k a yr, with AT MOST one employee besides themselves to pay (didn't even pay them enough imo) & pay thousands in property taxes for property they do literally nothing with & for a house with FIVE FUCKIN BEDROOMS AND THREE BATHROOMS FOR JUST THE TWO OF THEM TO LIVE THERE & NEVER INVITE ANYONE OVER BC THEY HATE COMPANY. That is their SECOND house mind you (last i checked with my dad they are looking at buying their third jfc). But they couldn't help their own child. And yes I understand running a private business costs money. I also understand that they don't get weekly checks, it's all depending on what cases they can get/win. They always acted like they had less money than they do though. Many years they worked out of the house so there was no extra rent to pay. I've been working in my current job for over 5yrs & I am just now finally making 35k/yr after many union fights.

I can't find it in my heart to forgive them. Had mom still been alive she would have stripped their small intestines right out of their ass for turning a cold shoulder. They didn't offer any advice or help when I asked except dad tell me to sign up for the military. Which goes to show how much they actually thought about me considering I am not allowed to join the military even if I wanted to bc I am transgender. I know for a fact bc i did still have to sign up for selective service when I applied for a loan for grad school & they sent a letter back rejecting me. But I still got to sign up for the debt 🥴 It was further disturbing considering my parents have always been very anti-military. It felt like a real "go fuck yourself" response & I've never been able to shake that or been able to properly explain to them how that felt. They don't get it & they don't care bc they think it's"good for me" or "builds character". I don't think either of them have ever faced the experience my sister & esp I have. Their standards seemed to revolve only around what they wanted me to do & not at all around what I need. But had the audacity to criticize politicians doing the same thing.

The work they do is great, & I'm proud of that. They've fought to provide social security & disability support to those who need it. But what sense does it make that you're more willing to help strangers than you are your own family?

They never even visited me up here. Not once.

I hate this country i hate my family i hate money i hate bullshit. All that i care about are cats/nature, food, & weed. Everything else is a waste of my patience. And i know there are ppl out there doing good things doing right by those they love, but that shit doesn't "heal" me like it does everyone else. Basic kindness shouldn't be such a commodity.

I've spent every year ive been working here saving as much money as I can without completely neglecting myself. I've had set backs primarily due to my health. But as far as i see it I am the only safety net i have at this point. I have no life. I don't even know how to have a life anymore. Quarantine didn't even phase me bc I already had no life to give up & still had to show up to work like regular.

It's no fuckin wonder ive had so much suicidal ideation over the years, I've nowhere I feel I can turn where i feel 100% trust.

AND I'M PRIVILEGED AF. I am white, I have a steady job & a union, I am making more money more consistently than I ever have before. Getting here has been hell & terrifying. Being shown that my parents really aren't there for me, finding out that I'm actually terribly alone in the world, & literally just having to double down on being my own best friend. It definitely ices the heart & cuts the elasticity of the tolerance.

Part of me really wants to just lay into them for this bullshit. But other part of me is like what for? If they would feel bad they should already. But they don't & won't. So I just gotta move on & ignore their calls.