#he hates himself but the way he chooses to express this is very misleading

[kakushigotofanclub]

Tomioka "Not Like Other Girls" Giyuu

[cyberneticlagomorph]

There's a man in the pasture today, standing on the edge just behind the ward-line looking confused as to why he can't come any closer.

The dogs are upset by his presence and keep herding the sheep into tighter and tighter knots to keep them away from this stranger. They won't let you close either, and that's a first.

You're a big bunny, you can handle yourself in most cases, but the animals don't seem to think this is one of those cases.

You stand just outside the knot of agitated animals to stressed to even pick at the rain-wet grass and ankle high dandelions, with their yolk-yellow blooms the size of your fist.

You watch the man, and don't speak for a very long time. Some part of you hoping he'll just mosey on to wherever he's supposed to be, but of course he doesn't.

He is not a small man, broad shouldered, and heavily muscled like a football player with a square jaw that probably broke hearts in high school but now just makes him look intimidating. His hair is gray, cut short, and his eyes are a very cold blue that you swear you've seen somewhere before but can't place in this exact moment, they sit under a pair of heavy gray brows that seem to be permanently set into an expression of deep disappointment.

He's also completely unmodified and that makes you itch for reasons unknown.

All in all he's painfully masculine in a way that makes you feel vaguely unsafe, like under different circumstances he'd call you a slur.

You take a step towards the man only for your dog, Twoby, to put himself in front of you. You don't have to touch his mind to feel his distrust and agitation, one of his heads fixed on the stranger and the other on you.

You kiss Twoby on both noses and tell him to move the sheep inside, he's hesitant to comply but his desire to be a Good Boy is stronger than the unease he feels around this strange man.

The man is looking at you as you approach, and you do your best to make your voice as organic sounding as possible, "Can I help you?"

You watch the stranger's face move, melting through a wave of obvious disgust and annoyance before settling into something painfully polite, as if being nice to you was going to be a chore.

Like he's hated you from moment one, but he needs your help for whatever, so he's gonna play nice.

For now.

When he speaks, his voice has teeth.

Words twisted into the shape of an animal half crouched, teeth bared in what an idiot might consider a smile. "Yeah, I'm lookin' for someone, maybe you can help."

You smile, closed mouthed and tight lipped. "Maybe I can! Who are you looking for?"

You feel unsafe.

The man continues, Texan twang layered over a growl that makes your skin crawl, and when he reaches into his back pocket for something you almost bolt, expecting him to pull a gun or a badge. "Couple'a kids, bout this big. I can show ya pictures. Been told they been seen round here."

He holds a photograph out to you as best he can with the wards in the way, it's a photo of two children, one holding a pink plush bunny with a cowboy hat.

Hunbun and Lily.

All you can say is "...huh." in response, but your hearts turn to ice and shatter at the realization.

You feel unsafe.

You feel unsafe.

You feel unsafe.

Kill him.

Your eyes snap from the photo to the man's face, and then to his hands. You imagine them around tiny limbs, squeezing and pulling until they break.

You imagine his voice at full volume.

You imagine your teeth in his throat, him spasming beneath your bulk. Hands weakly flailing as the life drains out of him with each shuddering motion until he is quiet and still and can't hurt anybody else ever again.

You haven't been this mad in a very very long time.

But still, you smile sadly and shake your head. Sure, you can't lie but if you choose your words carefully, you can mislead and omit, and that's just as good.

"I'll keep an eye out for them," You will, "But I don't think they're around here." And they aren't, not in this exact place at this exact time, they're inside where it's safe and dry.

The man studies your face for a moment, grunts and turns to leave. He doesn't thank you for your time, or apologize for the inconvenience. He acts like you wasted HIS time just by existing.

As he saunters off back into the Zone, you uncurl the fist you didn't know you'd made. Your palm is sticky with blood, the half moon marks where your nails bit into your skin weep freely and send starlight droplets into the grass that bloom and become black roses with teeth deep in their petals.

That's enough fresh air for today.

You feel unsafe.

[prcttylittlebirds]

openpassionates​:

VENUS COULD ONLY shrug once rafael points out that she was using the label as a reminder. even with him saying he’s aware, she still believed that he needed it because he would act on his feelings without any second thought. she fights the urge to cross her arms again. “you’ll say you don’t need a reminder but yet you subconsciously act on your feelings with no regards whatsoever. you spent weeks acting on feelings and left. so i’ll say we’re friends however many times i want until you really get it because i can see that you don’t. it’s all in your actions.” as much as she wanted to ignore what she’s blatantly shown, she couldn’t. outside looking in, she’s aware that people may be under the impression that her relationships with aiden, gabriel, and christopher may have ruined her outlook on love but she thinks her mistrials have made her wiser and more self-loving. “you already live in la. you have a house in la. acting like it’s a huge move is not being honest with yourself. excitement or not, look at where you are. you going back to la would just be you changing your mind. you hopped on a long ass flight and you’re talking about you haven’t fully decided. you’re saying you still have a choice but you’ve made the choice already rafael, and now you’re just speaking on technicalities.” if there’s one thing venus hated, it was when people sugarcoated things or said things that they thought she wanted to hear. she feels like that’s exactly what he’s doing. his way of expressing that he wanted her was genuine to her at least, but she wasn’t buying into anything else. “you did what you wanted to do. i can tell. you’re so hell bent and comfortable with london that you wished that i lived here as if you don’t have a house in both places. if you have some regret then okay but don’t sit here in my face and say that you haven’t made a choice when we’ll be 8 hours apart again in 72 hours.” venus asserts, followed by a small sigh. she creates more space between them by pouring herself another glass, suddenly needing another swig of what they were drinking before they went out to the dinner that turned into chaos. “what else is there to discuss? because this wasn’t supposed to be something dragged out for me. i just wanted to say that i don’t do ultimatums, had no expectations that you’d choose la anyway, and that what you did wasn’t a good thing to do.”

mentally coaching himself, raf knows his patience is slowly deteriorating. he doesn’t want to give up, but his head is starting to hurt from all the tension building in his face and neck. there’s nothing he could say that can break the wall venus seems to have up now. “even with me saying i agree with you and that i was in the wrong, which i clearly was— you still find something, anything to push back with. i acted on my feelings, and i should’ve been using my head. i’m a very passionate person, when i want something, i go for it. i want you so i went with what i was feeling. this is getting out of hand and i honestly, truly am sorry for being misleading with my intentions.” he apologizes again so that she really hears him because he doesn’t think she’s listening. he’s in no way excusing his wrongdoings and he doesn’t want her thinking otherwise. he takes a seat in a chair in the corner of the room, away from her. he needs a second. as he’s sitting he listens to her speak about how he’s speaking in technical terms, when truthfully, to him, la isn’t a second home, but a place where he crashes during race season. he’s been thinking about her everyday since he’s met her. since that day his view on la has shifted a bit. he wishes she could see that. “you know—“ he quietly begins. “you say i’ve already made up my mind… made my choice. okay. let’s say i have made a choice, does that erase how we feel about each other? i know how i feel about you and living in london isn’t going to change that. you calling me your friend isn’t going to change that. i can change my living situation. i can change my mind. if i want to live in la what’s stopping me? an argument isn’t.” he stops talking again to give her time to respond.

[zeta-in-de-walls]

Analysis on Tommy’s character’s mental state as a result of the exile arc.

Hey guys, I often makes posts discussing Tommy’s character and one thing that absolutely can’t be ignored is how his character has been traumatised by his experiences during exile. So, I thought I’d discuss in depth and how it’s impacted his behaviour.

In exile Tommy usually described himself as lonely. This is somewhat true but it’s actually a little misleading if you take it at face value. It’s not really loneliness that was his main issue, that was just the easiest one to express. Indeed, people did visit, they just didn’t really help with the issues that were really plaguing him. And there were a few.

-Tommy felt powerless. He was weak and attempting to get stronger himself only lead his hard work to be wasted. Therefore, he was reliant on others for help, and was utterly unable to give them anything back for any help offered. 

He also felt trapped, he had to stay on the island so people could find him and visit him but he was not allowed to choose to send time with others himself. He was completely reliant on others deciding to visit him. (Him building not one but two bridges to make it easier for others to visit was all he could do to increase the odds of someone coming to see him.) It wasn’t just loneliness so much as it being something out of his control. 

-Tommy felt worthless. He felt like L’Manburg had just seen him as a liability and was increasingly feeling like they were better off without him. No one really cared about him. He didn’t feel like he had value anymore as a person. 

He didn’t want someone to visit him, he wanted someone to stay with him - he wanted to feel accepted, validated. That’s why he spent time making a guest tent, so people could spend the night. And was so ecstatic at Mexican Dream agreeing to live with him. 

-Tommy is a very clingy person. He’s extremely sociable and becomes attached really easily. He has a hard time letting go too. In exile he constantly missed Tubbo and obsessed over the fact that he hadn’t visited. Leaving on bad terms hurt him. He couldn’t resolve anything and instead his frustration and bitterness grew and grew. He was put into such an awful and dark mindset! Its during this that he lets himself grow attached to Dream instead, who subtly encourages him to believe Tubbo didn’t care. 

So, Tommy said he was lonely, but he was way more troubled than he let on. 

...

Dream also took advantage of Tommy and performed abusive actions that both confused and traumatised him. 

Dream forced him to drop his items, hitting him if he refused and threatening to kill him if he continued to resist. He then acted nice, protecting him, keeping him company and joking around with him.

He lent Tommy his pickaxe and trident. He helped Tommy get primes. He repeatedly blew up Tommy’s armour. He regularly destroyed any diamond tools Tommy got and talked about ‘letting’ him keep some things, like he was being generous. Dream talked about how L’Manburg was prospering with Tommy there, suggesting everyone had moved on while he was the one responsible for sabotaging Tommy’s relationships.

Dream acted like an authority figure, dressing up all his actions as reasonable and Tommy was at fault for making his actions necessary. He lied about Tubbo not caring about his compass. He promised to invite people to his party and then didn’t, letting Tommy believe they chose not to come. Dream’s actions left Tommy increasingly dependent on him, as he was both physically and emotionally very vulnerable (as Dream had induced) and Dream took advantage of it. Finally, when Tommy did a relatively minor act of rebellion, Dream blew up everything. He killed Mushroom Henry and destroyed anything else Tommy was attached to - his tent, the campsite Wilbur built, the prime log.

Now, one of Tommy’s key character flaws is that he is rather irrational. While he can be perceptive, he often gets driven by his emotions rather than logic. (Its part of why he gets attached to things so easily). Usually he doesn’t actually let his feelings control him, but the exile put him under huge emotional turmoil.

-Logically, he always knew that Dream was responsible. He never forgot anything, he was just struggling to process it.

Dream was acting like he cared and Tommy clung on to that. Even once with Techno he described his confusion at his exile and noted that he recalled all the events perfectly but was confused emotionally and basically wasn’t able to deal with his feelings on Dream at all. He knew he ought to hate Dream but wanted to trust him still. 

Thinking more on emotions is also why he took Tubbo exiling him so personally - just before Doomsday he apologised and said he understood why Tubbo did it (I think he said it was the right decision even) but at the time he was hurt and felt like Tubbo didn’t care about him. Tommy often acts in the heat of the moment but fixes things afterwards. The issue with his fight with Tubbo was that they were unable to see each other and therefore resolve things, causing it instead to fester and get worse. 

So, that’s basically what happened to him throughout exile, but how did this affect his actions? A few different ways.

-He became extremely depressed and almost ended his life. Though he ultimately chose against this, his sense of self-preservation is notably lower. He didn’t seem to be afraid at the possibility of dying during Doomsday. And he was also prepared to confront Dream again over his discs - he had nothing left to lose as far as he was concerned. Once Tommy realised that Dream didn’t want to kill him, he took full advantage of it. He walked up to Dream completely unarmoured while Dream was in full netherite and confidently ordered him around. He was not afraid of dying. And again, he threatened to kill himself if Dream didn’t return after already killing Dream twice. Tommy’s only slowly gaining back his zeal for living. 

-He became angry and lashed out. Jack visited him at one point and Tommy spleefed him into lava, killing him absolutely ruthlessly. This is not a nice anger, its a cold destructive one, a result of all his bitterness from his unjust suffering. A minute later, he can only ask, why did he do that? Sometimes, Tommy might seem meeker, but it’s just hiding pain and rage that comes out in the worst of ways.

When no one turns up to his party, Tommy destroys part of the bridge he built for people to visit as he’s angry and has no real way to lash out - it’s not logical but as Tommy expresses: if they really want to visit then they’ll have to make an effort. A few days later he builds another, not because he’s better but because he’s so desperate for company he doesn’t even care if they don’t really care as long as they show up. 

His actions while with Techno have him torturing Fundy and Connor, interrogating Ranboo and helping Techno release a wither on L’Manberg. This is not the normal Tommy. This is him releasing his bitterness and rage in a destructive way, with his twisted mindset being vaguely approved of by Technoblade (though even he thought Tommy was going too far!) 

-He grew unhealthily attached to anything that gave him any stability in his warped, messed up world. That’s why he started fixating on his music discs so hard. And why he clung to Dream so hard for a while. And why he clung so much to Technoblade, quickly growing dependent on him, desperate for any sort of care and validation.

It’s why he even agreed to help Techno destroy L’Manburg at all. He was in such a warped mindset and wanted to trust Techno even if part of him was appalled by the idea, but his anger at L’Manberg was also clouding his judgement, and he wanted to agree with Techno because Techno cared about him. It’s not Techno or Tommy’s fault but their relationship was messed up thanks to Tommy’s trauma. Tommy was so dependent on Techno and was not able to function properly alone and he was very driven by his emotions, which were in a mess. He could barely sort out his feelings on Dream, let alone L’Manburg or Tubbo. He even let himself believe that all they were doing was minor terrorism, when Techno hadn’t hid his intentions that much at all. 

-Tommy blames himself for all that occurred. When the anger faded, and he was a little less powerless, Tommy began to get back his own sense of agency, which he’d been lacking for so long. With more clarity, he realised that of course he wanted to forgive Tubbo and make amends. His experiences lead to Tommy feeling like it was up to him to apologise - and he did. 

In some respects, there’s some excellent development here - it’s amazing to see him put feelings to one side and realise that his anger and bitterness were hurting him. And he held himself responsible - that his actions, traumatised or not, didn’t justify hurting others. He had been becoming the person he didn’t want to be - and rejected it. 

But there’s some worrying signs too - his experiences left him in some ways too apologetic. His sense of self-worth is still low. He didn’t blow up the community house but at one point said he wouldn’t bother defending himself anymore as there was no point, nothing to be gained from arguing about it. He apologised to Sapnap for releasing Mars - wonderful but it was never really necessary. When interacting with the egg, he said he didn’t want to cause yet another war, having internalised the idea that he’s responsible for most conflicts. At one point he even said he blames himself for Doomsday. It’s not healthy to have such a low sense of self-worth. He no longer blames others for not caring about him - but he does blame himself. 

....

Well this has been a long post. I hope that better expresses how Tommy’s been affected from his exile. I feel like I’ve seen posts complaining about apologists using trauma to excuse his actions. Not at all! Merely to explain. You cannot discuss Tommy’s current character without discussing his trauma. Likewise, it has been treated seriously by the narrative and Tommy continues to have it affect his character. It’s ongoing. He is improving but it has had a long-lasting impact. Indeed his mental state still feels fragile enough that us fans have been very sensitive to anything that might impact him. Tommy should be handled with care, and few of the characters on the server realise this. 

[iwritethat]

Older Batsis: Wally West

A/N: A bit of fun in time for Valentine’s Day.

Warnings: Sexual implications (no smut or anything), mature language

>>>>—————————>

Entering the manor and slamming the door behind you was supposed to be like entering a world of welcoming warmth that you could melt into, not be only a degree or so lower than the frozen wasteland you'd just escaped from.

You glanced around the hallway, darkness filling the area leaving you with a frustrated sigh - power was out. Fortunately you'd mentally mapped out the floorplan over your years and navigated your way to a lounge and lit the fireplace with a content hum.

You'd shed your wet, snow covered, outer layers but with a sudden breeze you instantly regretted that decision and spun to meet the offender with a defeated huff.

"Hey beautiful, we're working on a case down in the Batcave but heard the door slam so your brothers sent me up to check on you since 'super speed' and they didn't want to move away from the heaters." The alias under the Flash crossed his arms once quoting 'super speed', offering a flirty wink which even now still doubled your heart rate.

"They s-stole all the he-heaters... Shitbags. I - I'm free-freezing Wally." You barely managed through chattering teeth, understanding that though the Manor was powerless the Batcave ran off of a different source meaning they were toasty down there.

"I could steal you one, plus you've already armed yourself with your fluffy blanket." He gestured to the item splayed in front of the fireplace to warm it up before you had the opportunity to utilise it, instead choosing to welcome you into his arms for a warm hug.

"Wa- Are you vibrating?" You disregarded his last comment in favour of your query, tilting your head at his minuscule shifting stature unsure as to whether you were just shivering.

"Yeah, keeps me warm."

"Can you do me?"

"I, yes - any day of the week - but lemme get this straight, are you asking me to be your vibrator (Y/n)?" His reply was full of smugness, you pulled back to catch his playful smirk.

"I didn't mean it like that! I meant for warmth!"

"I know, couldn't resist~" He chuckles to himself, meeting your frustrated gaze with a kind smile as it remained comfortably silent for a few seconds before you spoke.

"But - but can you, y'know, vibrate?" Your hands settled on his chest out of your sudden curiosity, tables now flipping as he became the flustered one partly due to your insinuating words which caught him off guard in its supposed innocence.

"I mean, almost all of my past partners haven't known about the speed thing so..." This was killing him, you knew exactly what you were doing and had very little shame about it either. While you seemed untroubled by his presence - ever since you’d arrived he'd been muting all vividly romantic thoughts, holding his tongue with pick up lines and resisted the urge to hold you like he'd so desperately wanted. Like he did at your house, like you did at his apartment... The Manor was dangerous territory and acting on those lustful instincts were supposedly best avoided.

Though you had alternative ideas.

"I know about your speed, and I really need warming up Wally." Your voice was seductively enticing, your lips choosing sensitive placement on his neck and he released a shaky breath reflecting the wavering if his willpower. Damn you.

"(Y/n)... your brothers w-" It came after a satisfied moan, Wally biting his lip and gently parting from yours before attempting a weak justification he had absolutely no belief in.

"Won't miss you too much." You finished for him, kissing his jaw and awaiting his response.

"And you?"

"I'll show you how much I missed you~"

In the next instance you felt soft silky fur of your blanket against your back, Wally hovering above you with the fire dancing in his irises and illuminating his skin in a brilliant golden glow - you swore he never looked more attractive. It was rather ironic, who'd have thought losing clothes would make your temperature skyrocket?

.

Back in the Batcave, Dick barely caught the dash of his friend, now shirtless and rooting through his belongings for a spare apparently.

"Woah what happened?!"

Wally flinched at the sudden brief contact with his back and the painful sting that came with it causing him to speed a metre or so away now in a fresh sweatshirt. His healing would kick in soon.

Your beautiful, stunning, incredibly persuasive sister happened.

Dick gave him a quizzical glance, the claw marks on his best friends back obviously quite fresh and the afflicter was unknown.

"Ah - Alfred - the cat one, he kinda caught me off guard when I was with (Y/n)?" He didn't sound at all convincing but they assumed it was down to sheer embarrassment at being bested by a feline.

"Perfect, his training has paid off." Damian now fully invested in the conversation added, indicating he had an ulterior motive which was unsurprising considering the protectiveness he held over his eldest sister.

"What training?" Dick cautiously questioned, now concerned with his own safety as well as overtaken by sheer curiosity.

"Whenever West makes a move toward our sister, Alfred will attack. Clearly my training methods are effective."

"Hold up, did you make a move on our sister?!" Dick incredulously shot to his best friend, Damian now narrowing his gaze at the sighing red head.

God yes, multiple pleasurable moves.

"I hugged her." Not a lie, but not a full truth either, those was better left private but Damian wasn't fully convinced and made a step toward the stairway.

"Hmm, how about we ask (L/n) then?"

"No don't! Uh - she's asleep in front of the fire and looks really peaceful." He began protectively, speeding over to block the Robins exit before becoming flustered when explaining his reasoning.

"That why you were gone so long?" Grayson raised a brow, noting the odd behaviours and body language but ultimately didn’t dwell on it.

No, things got way hotter than originally planned.

"Yeah, I helped her find some blankets and start the fire. Then we caught up a bit, we haven’t seen each other in almost two weeks."

They displayed disinterested at this point, content in knowing they’re worst fears hadn’t been realised.

.

It was late evening when you stirred from your peaceful hour long nap, instinctively your fingers reached across the array of soft blankets finding only empty warmth. With a soft smile you’d concluded Wally had waited until you’d fallen asleep in his arms before heading back down to the Batcave, knowing him he’d probably remained a little longer simply enjoying the afterglow and warmth that followed such intimacy with you.

A pleased sigh escaped your lips when you moved to stand, the aching of your leg muscles a rather welcomed one in your opinion - regardless, as you already donned Wallys hoodie you dressed yourself fully before heading down to the cave.

"Why are you wearing Wallys hoodie?" Stephanie inquired somewhat suggestively the moment you entered, eyebrows wriggling as an indicator.

"Hmm, oh well after having sex by the fire it was the closest thing to me so logically I was too lazy to get anything else." You boredly sighed, Wally paling at your sheer lack of secrecy whereas Spoiler wasn't expecting such an open answer leaving her speechless.

Despite hating how brutally honest you were, the way you worded it so unbelievably paid off and consecutively too.

"No seriously though." Dick tried again, dismissing your last answer like usual whenever you’d given such brash replies regarding your activities.

It was rather ingenious actually, if they ever found out about Wally then they couldn't blame either of you for not telling them because, in fact, you consistently did - it's not your fault they didn’t believe you.

"Seriously. I genuinely just made love to your best friend." There wasn't a hint of misleading this time, expression casual with a smug nod to Dick who only rolled his eyes.

"Hey babe, you know they'd murder me right?" The speedster indicated to Damian carefully sharpening his katana, though his overuse of pet names meant your family paid no mind to them any more.

"They'd have to get through me first." You wink at him, your brothers scoffing at the thought even if they knew you were being honest.

Even so, you linked your arm with the speedsters despite his hesitancy at displaying any form of contact in the presence of your family - but you were good friends, a fact your family knew all too well.

“Wanna have a rather late dinner at my place tonight?”

“Sounds perfect, would you like me to get takeout or should we attempt a recipe?” Wally relaxed at the casual tone of voice, one he found familiarity in as you both left wrapped up in conversation.

Not an unusual occurrence really, but still, that didn’t cease the racing minds of the young detectives that remained.

.

It was a few moments, Damian’s glare solely focused on the two of you happily retreating, before some spark of realisation surged through him.

"Wait... There were no claw marks on his hoodie..."

"Meaning when Alfred got to him, he wasn't wearing it so - WALLY!" Dick finished, shooting after his best friend who had probably already swept you off by now - Damian more than willing to take the war to your apartment.

"The cat was happily wrapped in Wallys hoodie so it couldn't have attacked him really... Ohmygod what if it wasn't Alfred at all! Ahhhhhh~!" Stephanie clasped her hands together out of both enthusiasm and shock, low-key fangirling about the possibility despite its implications.

“Uh - or maybe, the cat attacked Wally when he gave (Y/n) his hoodie to keep her warm.” Tim justified, one that supported the proficiency of Damian’s feline training and as such already semi convinced the youngest by praising his ego - the theory made sense. Dick and the youngest offered shrugs to each other before heading off to grab some files whereas Steph withheld a suspicious expression toward her partner.

“You... You‘re covering for them. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me Tim! Why would (Y/n) even consult you in the first place?” She knew it was likely due to his lack of interference, that and no doubt you outrightly told him if he happened to ask the right questions which Tim had a knack for doing.

“Because I’m the favourite.” He offered her a smug wink, once more typing away leaving a pouting Steph with Alfred the cat purring at her leg. The creature hadn’t taken in any of Robins orders or laid a claw on West and yet radiated waves of accomplishment.

“Traitor... Damian won’t be very pleased once he finds out you allowed Wally near (Y/n) kitty cat.”

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

What is your thoughts on feelings? Like, my dad and I get into this argument a lot, its mainly that you shouldn't let feelings dictate your life and you should let God have full control over it because your heart is in nature sinful. I agree with him to a certain extent, it's just that we're human and we have feelings for a reason. Idk but I'd really like to know what you think!

I’m with you -- by all means, we shouldn’t let our feelings control us; we should be aware that our feelings can mislead us or cause us to act rashly or lash out at others. But they are also important parts of how God fashioned us. God didn’t fashion us to be, what? thoughtless or emotionless automatons! or puppets God controls! 

God gifted us with free will because Xe longs for genuine, mutual relationship with us -- such a relationship cannot happen when one party controls the other. So God chooses to limit Hir power to let us choose our own path -- even while God continuously guides us towards the paths that will lead to our abundance.

And yeah, our feelings are influenced by sin, and by things like fear, and our limited perspective on any given situation. But they also help us recognize things we might not otherwise notice -- our needs and wants, what we are called to do and how we are called to grow... We are embodied, inspirited beings, and from the beginning God called that embodiment and that inspiritedness good (Genesis 1:31). So it’s good for us to learn how best to live as embodied spirits -- not to let our emotions control us, but to learn how to listen to them, what they can tell us about ourselves and our relationships with others and with God.  

I want to share this quote with you, and recommend the book it’s from -- Learning to Walk in the Dark by Barbara Brown Taylor. It’s all about learning to faithfully embrace our emotions, from joy into pain, to listen to them and ask God to help us learn what all these many feelings can teach us. Here’s the quote: 

“What if I could learn to trust my feelings, instead of asking to be delivered from them? What if I could follow one of my great fears all the way to the edge of the abyss, take a breath, and keep going? Isn’t there a better chance of being surprised by what happens next? …After years of being taught that the way to deal with painful emotions is to get rid of them, it can take a lot of reschooling to learn to sit with them instead, finding out from those who feel them what they have learned by sleeping in the wilderness that those who sleep in comfortable houses may never know.”

________

Jesus, who is one of the Three Persons of the Triune God, experienced feelings -- the full range of feelings, from happiness to grief, from exhaustion to anger! Examples:

Jesus feels “deeply troubled” or “disturbed” in John 13:21 

Jesus feels compassion and tenderness over and over and over again -- towards people who are hungry, or oppressed, or asking for his help, or weeping, and more (e.g. Luke 7;13, Matthew 9:36 and 14:14 and 15:32 and 20:34...)

In Matthew 23:37 / Luke 13:34, Jesus seems to fill a mix of dismay/anger and tenderness, as he complains that Jerusalem has been the execution for many prophets and he wishes he could gather the people there “just as a mother hen gathers her chicks under her wings.”

Likewise in Luke 19:41, he weeps over the city. 

Jesus gets pissed off at a fig tree and in the temple (Mark 11:12-25)

Jesus gets frustrated with his disciples for not getting what he’s trying to tell them (Matthew 16:8-12) 

Jesus feels tired and thirsty (John 4:6)

Jesus is so full of grief at the death of his friend Lazarus and in viewing the grief of his friends Mary and Martha that he himself sobs and groans (often translated something about being “deeply troubled”) (John 11:33)

And let’s get some happiness in here! “At that very moment, Jesus overflowed with joy from the Holy Spirit and said, ‘I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you’ve hidden these things from the wise and intelligent and shown them to babies. Indeed, Father, this brings you happiness’” (John 10:21). Jesus felt so much joy that he was overflowing with it!

Jesus also speaks of his joy in John 15:11 - “I have said these things to you so that my joy will be in you and your joy will be complete.”

And I do believe that Jesus often felt happiness, and took the time to enjoy food, and nature, and good company. He was visiting people’s homes for dinner like. all the time. And speaks so lovingly of “the flowers of the field” in their beautiful “clothing” (Matthew 6:28)

Jesus apparently was happy, and eating, and drinking, often enough that some accused him of being a drunkard! (Luke 7:34)

Jesus experiences deep fear and agony in the garden of Gethsemane, an emotion so deep that he sweats blood! (Bible passages)

And the ultimate: Jesus feels so much agony and betrayal and pain and humiliation on the cross that he feels abandoned by God, and cries out “My God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46)

If we believe that Jesus never sinned, and he felt the full range of emotion, then how can feelings be sinful? If we consider him a role model, can’t we learn from how he experienced and expressed feelings? 

And God Themself is often moved to anger, to compassion, to grief, and more throughout the Bible. I invite you to pay attention to God’s feelings any time you read a bit of scripture -- you’ll notice a lot of them!

___________

Gonna link you to some other posts on my blog that go into this stuff in more detail -- and if you have more questions after checking some of those out feel free to ask!

Some posts about emotions from my FAQ and elsewhere...

Is it a sin to feel anger/hate? What do I do? Answer, Answer

See my #anger tag for more!

See also my #hard emotions tag

Also my #in the valley of the shadow tag

Here’s a nice post on “how to change your mood while honoring your feelings” 

And a wonderful post on listening to feelings like anger and jealousy without letting them control you

Posts with examples of feelings in the Bible!...

Quote with examples of biblical figures experiencing difficult feelings.

Here’s a post with some examples of biblical figures calling out to God with deep emotion.  

I recommend reading through the Book of Psalms for examples of faithful people feeling the whole range of feelings, from anger and loneliness and doubt to joy and connection and gratitude. Some of these feelings, like hate, shouldn’t be acted on, but the psalmist didn’t pretend they weren’t feeling that hate just because it’s “ugly” or dangerous -- they brought it to God instead. 

A quote on Jesus’ suffering

You also might like my tag #the human Jesus

For the idea of God having full control over our lives + free will stuff...

I’ve got a video on the idea of God’s control and “let go, let God” type sentiments

A post on God self-limiting in order to enable our free will

A post on how God is not abusive, and thus will not force or control us

The rest of my #free will tag 

[cosmic-hearts]

top of the world | kim seungmin

kim seungmin x reader - themepark!au

genres; fluff, friendship, slight romance

warnings; none

summary; in which your best friend drags you to an amusement park despite being fully aware that you hate rides.

“See, Kim Seungmin. This is why I said I’d plan your birthday for you. I knew you were going to pull off shit like this.”

You stand in mortification, trying to prevent yourself from bubbling over into a seething cauldron of anger. It’s Seungmin’s birthday, you say to yourself, just do it for him. 

Kim Seungmin, your devil of a best friend, is fully aware of the fact that you hate rollercoasters and amusement park rides in general, and yet he still brings you to Lotte World, insisting that it’s the only place he wishes to celebrate his birthday in. You had offered to arrange a birthday surprise for him, but he simply smiled like a little cherub and insisted that he’d got it all planned out, even telling you not to worry.

Now, as you stand before the entrance of the indoor theme park, Seungmin beaming in anticipation next to you, you don’t have the heart to refuse him. Sure, you’re mad as hell, but it is his birthday, and the way his eyes are alight with childlike excitement softens your heart considerably and douses the flames of frustration threatening to consume you. It’s unfortunate that your best friend is just so irresistibly adorable. You can’t even bring yourself to properly chide him. All you can afford is a weak protest. 

“Let’s go!” Seungmin says, grabbing your wrist and dashing straight through the gates that mark the start of your hell and his heaven. Well, to each his own.This is gonna be one hell of a day.

—

“Okay, trust me, this isn’t scary at all. It’s just some lame ass boat ride,” Seungmin says in a manner that does nothing to allay your fears. 

“If it’s lame, then why do you wanna ride it?” 

“I mean, gotta get a bang for our buck. Might as well try everything since we’re here.”

You sigh and follow him to the queue for the Flume Ride, a strong sense of foreboding curling in the pit of your stomach. 

You two get into a small boat, with Seungmin in the front and you in the back.The boat goes up like it’s on an escalator, and you feel your heart falling deeper into your stomach with every passing second. And when Seungmin conveniently asks right then, “Did you by any chance bring extra clothes?” you know that you’re screwed. 

This isn’t just some lame ass boat ride as Seungmin so insouciantly put it. It could very well be your ride to the afterlife, if you so choose to be melodramatic. 

Just as you expected, the boat reaches a short-lived plateau before plummeting sharply downwards, eliciting an ear-piercing scream from you that Seungmin would never forgive you for. Not that you cared. That little prick deserves to have his eardrum exploded for putting you on this ride. And as if that weren’t enough, the violent splash that you and Seungmin produce gets you wet all over, ruining you from your hair to your shoes. 

“I hate you,” you firmly declare to Seungmin, who’s absolutely thrilled about having pranked you into going for the Flume Ride with him. He can’t stop laughing at the sight of you drenched from head to toe, glaring murderously at him, yet restraining yourself as you remind yourself that it’s his birthday. Your level of self control is seriously commendable.

“I’m sorry,” Seungmin says, and you know he really isn’t sorry at all, “but it was so fun! That drop was amazing!”

You bite your tongue to stop yourself from offering a very different opinion.

“Anyway, thanks to my foresight, I brought this,” Seungmin says, fishing out a large grey hoodie from his backpack, which you assume is for him to change into. He did get wet as well, seeing as he sat in front, but he doesn’t seem to mind at all.

“Great. At least you have something to change into while you leave me to rot away into a soaking mess—,”

Seungmin smirks. “Who said this was for me?”

And with that, he pulls his huge hoodie over you. The sleeves stretch way past your fingers and the hoodie itself stops mid-thigh, being seriously oversized. He leans closer to you and tugs at the strings to secure it tightly around your smaller frame. 

“Wouldn’t want my best friend catching a cold on my birthday,” he says sweetly before tapping your nose lightly with his finger. You’re trying hard to feign annoyance but it’s getting really difficult to keep up your front of pseudo-fury with the way Seungmin’s beaming down at you like you’re a child who got full marks on a spelling test.

“Can I keep this?” You ask, loving the way it smells and feels like Seungmin, warm and chocolatey and fresh and clean, relishing the way it envelopes you with warmth and keeps you all nice and snug. 

“I guess it’s the least I could do after putting you on the Flume Ride. Which I totally don’t regret, by the way.” 

And as you look at the way Seungmin’s smiling sunnily in happiness, tugging at your hand to lead you to the next ride, you think might not regret it either.

—

“No way in hell I’m going on the Viking Ship.”

“Yes way! Come on, we need to run if we want to sit in the back. Trust me, it’s the most fun sitting in the back.”

“KIM SEUNGMIN!” You screech at your best friend as he runs towards the Viking Ship, indifferent to the various forms of death threats you yell at him along the way. He doesn’t even care when you threaten to tear up all his DAY6 posters, which is surprising. 

“Come on!” Seungmin urges, and seeing as you’re making no move to speed up, he runs over to you, grabs your hand and runs towards the Viking Ship, guiding you to the very last row of seats at the very end of the darned contraption.

You put on the safety belt that does nothing to assure you of your safety, then you close your eyes as you feel the ship slowly begin to elevate. Feeling a terrible sinking feeling in your stomach, you unconsciously grab onto Seungmin’s hand, holding tightly onto it as you squeeze your eyes shut. 

Seungmin switches the positions of your hands so that his hand is covering your own, enveloping it tightly. Soon after he laces his fingers between yours, intertwining your hand with this. You try to think not of the fact that the blood practically drains from your face every time the ship dips downwards, but rather, you focus on the fact that Seungmin’s holding onto your hand tightly, and you try to think of the warmth transmitting from his veins over to yours. It actually works for a bit, and you feel yourself releasing some of the nausea that’s threatening to build up inside your system. 

Breathe, it’s okay. Seungmin’s right next to you. Funny how he’s the cause of your misery in the first place, but he’s also the one alleviating it. 

When you two get down from the ride, he continues to clutch your hand tightly in his, refusing to let go. 

“You can let go now. It’s over,” you say, attempting to wrestle free him his grip, but he won’t let you. 

“If I let go of you you’ll probably trip over yourself or something. I bet you’re still dizzy from the ride,” Seungmin shoots back, sticking his tongue out at you. 

“Yeah, right. You’re just using that as an excuse to hold my hand, you doofus,” you say, but as you look down at your intertwined hands a cosy sort of warmth fills you and you really can’t bring yourself to complain further. 

—

Afterwards you insist that you can’t go on another ride and you drag him to a mirror maze, basically a dimly lit labyrinth filled with misleading traps and tons of mirrors, which Seungmin had refused to enter initially, saying that it was for kids. In the end, he’s more into it than you are, even taking it upon himself to lead the way, with all the seriousness of an actor in a Spy Kids film. His level of focus and immersion is strangely endearing to you.

After going on more rides, having dinner and watching the parade together, you two decide to call it a day. Until something catches your attention.

“Seungmin, can we go on that one?” You ask, pulling on his shirtsleeve. Seungmin follows your gaze and sees that you’re looking at the ferris wheel, a large structure adorned with twinkling multicolored fairy lights. He smiles. 

“That’s so cheesy, Y/N. But sure, anything for my girl. After all, you did walk through fire for me today.”

You grin as Seungmin slings an arm over your shoulder, leading you to the ferris wheel, your last stop for the day.

“This is seriously the best ride of the day,” you say happily, looking out from the little cabin enclosing the two of you that gives you a perfect aerial view of the whole theme park. 

“Really? Not the Flume Ride? What about the Viking Ship?” Seungmin asks playfully and you proceed to attack him with light punches while he feigns an expression of hurt. 

“Definitely not, you jerk. God, those rides shaved years off my already-weathered lifespan.”

“You’re not even twenty yet. Don’t be so dramatic.”

“Who was the one who insisted that he was a member of the Famous Five back in the mirror maze? Talk about being dramatic.”

Seungmin can’t rebut you, so he simply stays quiet and watches you looking down at the view of the park. A contented smile hangs off his lips as he drinks in the sight of you in his oversized hoodie, your eyes alight at the wondrous view below you. 

You suddenly feel a pair of arms snaking around your waist, as well as an added weight on your shoulder. As you look to the side you realize that Seungmin has trapped you in a backhug and leaned his head on your shoulder, pulling you close to him and nestling his chin in the crook of your neck.

“Thank you for coming here with me,” he whispers into your ear, “it means a lot to me.”

“Aww, my little Seungminnie’s becoming all mushy and gross. What’s come over you?”

“Hey, don’t ruin the moment, idiot,” Seungmin chides, hugging you even tighter in response. 

“Happy birthday, you fool,” you say, flicking his chubby left cheek lightly with your fingers. 

Seungmin hugs you happily to him as you two float over the paradise beneath you, reaching the top of the ferris wheel. From your vantage point, the view is simply spectacular and you hum in contentment. 

You feel like you’re on top of the world, and with your best friend right behind you, you know you can conquer anything. Even the scariest of rollercoasters. a/n; just a short, light & fluffy story that was inspired by their reality show when they went to lotte world hehe

[iturbide]

I still believe that Grima could get along with the Corrins because (putting aside the fact that they didn't raise their child themselves) they are dragons as well. Even more important : how would Grima react to discovering they were basically lied to their whole youth by all their family members, and that it puts them in a position where they don't really know who they are, even after Revelations ?

I think you’re oversimplifying both Grima’s relationships and the full issue at hand here. 

First, the fact that the Corrins are dragons has nothing to do with his ability to get along with them.  Remember: Naga’s a dragon and there are very few things Grima hates more than her.  So much of why he gets along with the dragons in general is because they’re either young and open to viewing him without prejudice (Fae, little Tiki, Myrrh, Nowi) or have suffered at the hands of humans themselves (the Corrins and Ninian – adult Tiki falls into this broadly and has also suffered at Naga’s hands, so he’s very sympathetic to her plight).  But there are humans who have gone through the same: Raigh (young, obsessed with dark magic, and lost virtually everyone he’d cared about when invaders burned down the orphanage where he’d been raised), the Robins (hunted by Grimleal, reviled by Ylisseans for being Plegian), Henry (dumped in an abusive orphanage where he lost most of his ability to even feel pain or express emotion), the Nohrian royal family (Concubine Wars combined with Garon’s abuse and neglect), Julia (lost her whole family – witnessed her twin brother murder her mother and then had to assist in her brother’s death)…there are a lot of Heroes that Grima can either sympathize or empathize with, and every day he’s learning more, making new connections, and becoming the Hero Kiran has always known he could be. 

Also, I never said that Grima and the Corrins couldn’t get along – in fact, prior to the Kanas’ arrivals they got along quite well (again, I have another ask, I just keep getting things in my inbox that will take less time to answer so I’ve been doing them first so I can devote my attention to the big headcanon dump once I’m in the clear).  I said they had a falling out – and nothing in the definition of that term requires that the relationship end.  Is Grima upset?  Yes.  Would he consider cutting all contact?  Probably, because when he gets angry his thinking gets rigid.  But lucky for him, there are other forces that help to rein him in and force him to re-evaluate things – namely Kiran and Robin. 

So as furious as he would have been in the moment (especially after finding F!Kana alone and in such distress), raging that the Kanas need better, need more, need to be kept away from the ones who did this to them, the tactician and the Summoner would have challenged him at every step.  Look how much the Kanas admire their parents.  Think of how distressed they’ll be if they can’t see them ever again.  You’d be making things worse for them rather than better if you cut off all contact (again, Robin would stress, because clearly they’ve been separated by their parents’ presence in Askr for quite some time).  And Grima doesn’t want to hurt them – that’s the last thing he wants to do.  So he softens, giving the Corrins every opportunity to step up and take responsibility and prove themselves capable of doing better.  And as they do that, their relationships can and will mend.  But it will take time and effort. 

And last, it’s not the fact that they didn’t raise the Kanas themselves.  If they had given the Kanas up to be adopted, seen them placed in loving homes, Grima would have had absolutely no problem with that – in fact, he would have empathized with the pain of that loss and respected the fact that they did it with the Kanas in mind.  His issue is the fact that they dropped their infants in the Deeprealms, said they’d visit, and then went back to war.  They left their children waiting and yearning for parental affection at an age where they needed it most.  The damage has clearly been done: F!Kana gets so distressed that she cries when she’s alone, and M!Kana is pushing himself to grow up well before his time for the sole purpose of winning his mother’s attention.  And it’s upsetting to see that. 

So now with all of that out of the way, let’s talk about the lying. 

Grima is no stranger to having people lie to him.  He’s spent the vast majority of his life being told half-truths or manipulated by pretty words and sob stories.  And he loathes it.  He finds it manipulative, selfish, even cruel, to knowingly mislead someone, especially if it’s for personal gain and at another’s expense, like what happened so often during his stint as the ‘divine’ watching over Plegia.  With that said, while he does take a dim view of how Hoshido handled the issue, ultimately he will admit that it was done with good intentions, to ensure that Corrin was protected and provided for.  Nohr he takes a harsher view on, considering that they kidnapped Corrin and effectively wiped their memories; however, he doesn’t lay that blame on the Nohrian heirs, just on Garon and those who controlled the situation.  The princes and princesses clearly did their best for the new sibling they adopted as one of their own, and he respects and frankly admires that they chose to take Corrin in without hesitation, making them an integral part of their family in spite of the fact that they were in truth a foreign prisoner.

Grima does not believe that anyone, human or dragon, is defined by their birth.  He feels that he, himself, is a product of humanity’s cruelty: his level 40 dialogue spells it out directly (”Humans are selfish.  And the ugliness of mankind has turned me repulsive.  It’s the world that wants me to be evil.”).  So to his mind, where Corrin was born and who their blood relations are isn’t important.  The family they choose, the friends they make, the life they decide to lead, are what define who they are.  And he would tell them as much when they express their confusion, citing the example of the tactician whose body is his vessel and whose soul accompanies him even still: if Robin’s identity were defined by his birthplace, his parentage, then he would be a zealous cultist like his father willingly giving up his body for the purpose of reviving the fell dragon.  But he wasn’t.  He chose instead to fight against his father by seeking peace for all he could, and defined the Ylissean Shepherds as his family – something they responded with in like kind, such that their children knew him as ‘Uncle Robin’ through their upbringings. 

So when they fret that they don’t know who they are because of all the lies they’ve been told, his response would be a question: who do you want to be?  

[lesbian-ed]

yeahsureyoudo replied to your post “What are your opinions on gay women choosing to identify as Queer...”

I actually identify as Queer, not because I'd have any shame about identifying as a lesbian but because i just feel more comfortable with Queer.

I also think the term queer is useful for trans lesbians that perhaps aren't out yet? Women that love women but are not fully identifying as female to the whole world yet. If that makes sense?

I find it both sad and amusing that you have unwillingly proven the point of one of the many issues with the word ‘queer’.

First off, lesbians don’t ‘identify as’ lesbians, we are lesbians. To imply identification, which is something immaterial and subject to constant change, tied to the whole gender-mania of ‘~~~sometimes I’m more of a boy, sometimes I’m more of a girl and sometimes I’m both!!!1!~~’ means you’ve successfully tied lesbianism to a choice, to ‘fluidity’ (to play along with the jargon) and all that hogwash that has nothing to do with what an actual female who is exclusively attracted to other actual females is. The word Lesbian is not a title, it is not a label to be given or ‘claimed’ because it has a very clear definition: as just mentioned, lesbians are females exclusively attracted to other females. No ifs, no buts, no choices, no silly little games of ‘identity’. It is for no one to use for themselves but actual lesbians; it’s not for straight women, it’s not for bisexual women and it sure as hell isn’t for any sort of man to put his greasy hands on.

If by any chance, ‘lesbian’ feels ‘restrictive’ or if it really, really doesn’t reflect your experiences (as in, if you’re not really a homosexual female), maybe you’re just bisexual -- and there’s nothing wrong with that. But, see, the problem lies not with lesbianism; the problem is with the hypothetical person in question, who just isn’t a lesbian.

To posit lesbianism as an identity is to allow anyone to take it and, among other things, this is what the ‘queer movement’ does, stripping actual lesbians from ourselves (calling us gynosexuals or something equally ridiculous, as if we needed another word, as if ‘lesbian’ didn’t express it) and handing us on a silver plate to anyone who isn’t us -- but wants to exploit us.

Secondly, ‘queer’ is something that alienates us from ourselves and pushes us towards the values of those who antagonise us. I’ll break it down for you: if a lesbian falls into ‘queer community’ and starts to absorb their values upfront instead of those which would actually benefit her as a lesbian, it becomes easy to manipulate her to act against her own interests and those of lesbians she might come in contact with. Instead of finding her own crowd, with experiences and needs that are much more akin to her own, she mingles with people who oppose these experiences and deny these needs directly -- she begins to interact with and defend, as you have just done, the interests of males masquerading as women trying to get into lesbians’ beds, for instance, without understanding just how fucking perverse that is. We find adversaries in what presents itself as a community of equals, of people who understand and sympathize with our struggles, because in fact ‘queers’ do not understand the first thing about our struggles.

‘Queer’ is a divide-and-conquer tactic. The more lesbians side with it, the more they compromise their safety and their own subjectivity, something already much beaten around by a lesbophobic society that tries at every turn to annihilate us, either by physical force or by total erasure, by conversion, by coercion, trying to get us to worship at the altar of the phallus which, by definition, we are incapable of doing because we’re gay women, for fuck’s sake. We can be mislead, as the ‘queer folks’ try to do, but we cannot truly be converted. However, this deception is highly destructive, individually and collectively.

‘Queer’ alienates us from our very selves and it alienates us from one another, it creates rifts between lesbians who could otherwise work together, live together, love together. It walks hand in hand with cries of ‘terf!!!’ because all the ‘non-queer’ lesbians end up being shunned -- we don’t want to associate with men impersonating women or lesbophobic bisexuals (or straight people who truly believe a woman using a strap-on with a man is somehow ‘queering sexuality’ and makes them in any way comparable to us homosexuals!), so we’re punished for it. Lesbians who walk away from it are deemed suspicious and bad, while the ones who accept the label and play along with delusions are the ‘good’ ones and it stunts communication between these two ‘factions’ that should never be factions in the first place. It sets us apart and it sets us against one another. Quite honestly, it’s extremely depressing to see misguided lesbians being pitted against others simply because, unlike them, we prioritise actual lesbians in our lives instead of people who think we should all just shut up and open our legs for just about anyone.

This damn term creates a divide. It’s hard for us sometimes to find authentically lesbian communities because the support for ‘inclusivity’ -- as opposed to our caring about ourselves for once in our lives, since nobody else in this godforsaken planet gives a single shit about us -- makes enemies out of women who should have the same goals. It contributes to the effacing (and worse, the self-effacing) of lesbians, it corrodes our networks, it isolates us from one another. Inclusivity in the name of what? To whose benefit? Because the effects of all of this are negative to lesbians. And I know people who aren’t lesbians couldn’t at all be bothered about us and wouldn’t care if all of us ‘transphobic, biphobic’, ‘queerphobic’ dykes up and disappeared, but that’s precisely why we must put ourselves first. It isn’t selfish, it’s self-preservation. We have a right to exist as we are, not bent and broken as people want us.

Some lesbians fall into the trap of thinking that ‘lesbian’ is just a porn category, that it’s too loaded a word, and they shy away from it. But we came before porn, are we really just going to strip ourselves of our words, silence ourselves, and hand them over to sick men just like that, in the blink of an eye? They should be ashamed of co-opting a beautiful word that holds meaning to us to tag their trash with, not us. And as for it being a ‘loaded’ word, yeah, it has history, it has weight, it has pride. It is us, us who refuse to die out, who refuse to erase ourselves to be with men just because ‘oh, poor menz, give them a chance’; it is the name of our almost unwilling resistance because honestly it should not be so hard to live in this stupid world, having to justify ourselves at every turn, having to defend ourselves from attacks on all fronts just because we were born women who commit no other crime than loving only other women.

You have given the key to understanding the problem in your own reply. That a straight male who doesn’t even go to the trouble of dressing himself up in order to disguise himself as his revolting idea of what a woman actually is should use ‘queer’ so as to access spaces to which he otherwise could not shows what the word can do. It blurs lines. It removes barriers that exist for a reason. To be ‘queer’ is to be nebulous because nowadays it means just about anything; and lesbians are not someone’s vague idea, we are women of flesh and blood who have very specific experiences that are tied to our sexuality because this lesbian-hating society despises us to the point that we are being pressured to abandon the words that define us so we don’t sound ‘outdated’, so that we are more ‘inclusive’ and politically correct, preparing the terrain ourselves so that men can try to get into our pants. Do you see? We are being deprived of even calling ourselves what we are, we are being deprived of ourselves, in a way. And, I repeat, to whose benefit? Think. And if you refuse to think, then feel -- since so many are ready to feel on behalf of transgender males, why is it that you have never and will never feel anything but contempt for lesbians? Why do they deserve your time and compassion and why do we deserve your scorn?

Lastly, because this has gone on too long, let me reiterate a very simple fact about this blog: it is for lesbians. We have stated time and again that we are open and welcoming to bisexual women in relationships with women, but ultimately our focus lies with lesbians and we shall not tolerate male-pandering, lesbophobic bullshit here. If you’re not a lesbian, if you’re not here for lesbians, if you sincerely believe that we should embrace males as ‘lesbians’ because of ‘queer fraternity’ or some equally obnoxious, ridiculous garbage argument, kindly fuck off forever from this blog and please never interact with a lesbian again.

(An addendum: Why on Earth have you capitalized ‘queer’ but not ‘lesbian’? Seriously??? Why is that? Must I dwell on that too, must I interpret it here or is that proof enough of just how little respect there is for lesbians that the word in itself is seen as lesser-than as opposed to how people use what many still consider a slur? Fuck’s sake.)

/Mod T

[logh-icebergs]

Episode 33: Fortress vs. Fortress

Love Triangles

“Yang told me not to write the real names even in my diary, so I’ll use pseudonyms, but non-commissioned officer A and non-commissioned officer B had been fighting forever over the civilian Miss C, and that fight was revived on Iserlohn, but Miss C, who hated Officer B, impulsively shot him to death.” —Julian’s Iserlohn Diary, p. 61-62 (From episode 30.)

Honestly, the love triangle between Officer A, Officer B, and Miss C that Julian describes in his diary sounds like one of the more straightforward and classic love triangles in the LoGH world. LoGH love triangles, as we’ve discussed, tend to be rather twisted, tragic, or otherwise subversive. These triangles don’t present an either/or choice between two romantic rivals standing on equal ground, where the choice hinges on the interior romantic feelings of the character at the vertex; rather, most love triangles in LoGH are narrative tools to highlight the ways social structures shape our choices for us, or to add depth to characterizations by showing the ways that people approach these choices differently.

On the Alliance side, the love triangle of season one was between Yang, Lapp, and Jessica, with Jessica at the vertex. And the way it played out set up open questions about Yang’s wistful passivity and reluctance to pursue a romantic relationship with Jessica both back in college and now, despite her professed interest. Many factors were at play in that dynamic: Yang may have believed that Jessica was more interested in Lapp, or been reluctant to compete with his friend; and in the present day, tensions over their past, Lapp’s death, and the war complicated any possible relationship between them. But as Jessica tells it in episode 10, she was disappointed that he didn’t continue to express interest after that first awkward dance; and despite that confession and an almost-kiss, Yang’s reluctance remained a constant, as he made no further move to pursue her.

In season two, Yang is involved in another love triangle of sorts, and this time he is at the vertex. 

The line in Japanese is Teitoku wa itsu ni nattara hakkiri saserun darou? which translates literally as “when will the admiral make it clear?” The official subs translate it as “when will the admiral just tell her?” which is misleading: It implies Julian has a belief that Yang reciprocates Frederica’s feelings, but both before and after this Julian professes not to know Yang’s feelings.

This triangle between Yang, Frederica, and Julian currently exists only inside Julian’s head. But for Julian at this point in his life it is very real and looms very large—dominating his thoughts, as we see in the moment above, even as he rushes into battle against a giant fortress that just warped into the corridor and attacked them. And since it’s foundational to the emotional arc of the whole rest of the show, it’s worth taking time to examine in painstaking detail exactly how it’s set up early in this season. 

The Julian/Yang/Frederica Triangle

(From episode 24.)

The last time I talked about Julian’s feelings for Yang I speculated that, despite seeming to have all the major symptoms of a crush, he probably didn’t frame it to himself that way (although we had no way to know for sure). But that was almost a year ago—in story time, that is—and a year is a long time when you’re fifteen-going-on-sixteen. And uh, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that he’s figured some stuff out.

Have I fangirled about Nozomu Sasaki’s voice acting yet? Well it’s about time I did—the subtitles can’t do this exchange justice, so please go watch it (12:17) right now to appreciate the soft edge behind his “saa” here. Damn. (From episode 30.)

This is one of those times when I’m not sure what my job here is supposed to be: Schenkopp asks whether Yang is interested in Frederica and Julian’s reaction is to say “how should I know” then lower his eyebrows angrily and shoot the target directly in the heart. Tell us how you really feel, Julian. 

Ding ding ding, yes, how he really feels is jealous. Well done Schenkopp. This is the line right before we jump to Schenkopp interrogating Julian on the shooting range, and already here a triangle of some sort is suggested, with Julian and Frederica paralleled to each other as rivals for Yang’s attention. So how is Yang processing this line? How is Cazellnu? We’ll come back to both of those questions in the future! (From episode 30.)

In episode 33 we get another peek inside Julian’s mind, as checking in on the Cazellnu ladies prompts him to recall a recent conversation with Yang. 

Have I mentioned Cazellnu has issues? Seriously dude, pressuring your 30-year-old friend about his love life is one thing; telling a teenager you intend for him to marry your eight-year-old daughter someday is a whole ’nother level. Leave Charlotte and Julian alone dammit.

Yang is totally oblivious here to how his “eh she might seem like a little kid to you now but things change” take might interact with Julian’s own complicated emotions...

...and it makes sense to me that Julian immediately fires back by probing Yang’s feelings for the only obvious potential romantic partner currently in his life.

Julian’s emotional life revolves entirely around Yang. That’s been true since we first met him, and when he was fourteen or fifteen it manifested as relatively uncomplicated hero worship/puppy love, a desire both to be as much like Yang as possible and to do as much as possible to look after him and be useful to him. But that dynamic isn’t sustainable as Julian grows up. And what these two scenes tell us is that a thread of tension now runs through Julian’s emotions, specifically about the development of Yang’s love life. Everything about the narrative framing in these scenes sets up a classic love triangle: Schenkopp’s insinuations about Julian being jealous of Frederica segueing directly into Julian acting angsty about not knowing whether Yang reciprocates Frederica’s feelings; Julian’s thoughts jumping from remembering Cazellnu’s matchmaking schemes between him and Charlotte to solemnly wondering when Yang will make his feelings about Frederica more clear.

...But this is LoGH. And zooming out from the narrative framing to the broader context, to say this particular triangle is “not that simple” would be a drastic understatement. Julian and Frederica are not on equal ground here; while Frederica seems perfectly constructed as a potential romantic partner for Yang, every possible situational variable is aligned against Julian. When Julian thinks about Yang “making things clear” or “making up his mind,” the two options on the table are “yes Frederica” or “no Frederica.” Julian simply isn’t an option. Heteronormativity is one factor in that, sure, but not the most important one—the age difference and power dynamic mean not only that Julian is a socially unacceptable love interest for Yang, but that in fact any expression of romantic interest from Yang’s end would be deeply, deeply inappropriate. And Julian must know that. However… 

Is it too disturbing to say that what this line reminds me most of is a dog marking its territory? Anyway, it’s the addition of “favorite” that really gives it that possessive feel; he could have just said he has to go make Yang dinner, but instead he feels the need to emphasize that he is the one who knows how to cook food just the way Yang likes it. (From episode 30.)

Frederica isn’t a threat to Julian’s role as Yang’s intellectual disciple, or to his role as Yang’s physical protector. But she is a threat to his role as Yang’s caretaker and domestic partner, and it’s no coincidence that he ends the conversation with Schenkopp by emphasizing that position. Sure there’s nothing romantic about their relationship right now, but the status quo is still that Julian is the person closest to Yang, the person who lives with him and looks after him and cooks for him and spends cozy evenings beating him at 3D chess. The two sides of the triangle may be “Frederica” and “not Frederica,” but the closest Julian can hope to come to actually being chosen is for Yang to never choose anybody, for the status quo to just quietly continue.

On Surface Readings

A lot of the storytelling in LoGH has the feeling of a magic trick: It tells one story if you look at it through glasses that assume romantic attraction can only occur between men and women, and completely different stories if you remove that lens. The key to this trickery is that it’s simultaneously true that there exist non-queer interpretations of the things we see, and that if you tally the details of how the stories are actually told, those interpretations don’t quite add up. In the case of the Julian/Yang/Frederica dynamic, there are two different possible non-queer readings, and it’s worth taking the time up front to examine each of them and how they interact with what we’ve seen so far.

Reading #1: Frederica is the vertex. This is the magic trick illusion: If we attempt to interpret the situation starting from the assumption that between Yang and Frederica, Frederica is the only possible object of romantic interest for Julian, then the two scenes I analyzed above suddenly constitute evidence that Julian has a crush on Frederica. More specifically, they constitute the only evidence that Julian has a crush on Frederica.

Yes this gif is super cute; no it’s not sufficient evidence of a crush. (From episode 17.)

Julian is friends with Frederica and likes her. But never (until these two scenes) have we seen his emotions around her seem fraught; we’ve never seen him think about her when she’s not around, or stand in the background of scenes smiling at her. We’ve never even seen them have a conversation in which Julian didn’t bring up Yang.

As I pointed out above, several details about how the dynamic is framed in episodes 30 and 33 reinforce the fact that Yang is in the role of vertex: a) It takes serious mental gymnastics to see Schenkopp’s “Julian will be jealous if you take Frederica to Heinessen and not him” line as trying to imply that Julian has a thing for Frederica. b) In both scenes, Yang is the one whose feelings are unknown, the one who has a potential choice to make. And c) Julian’s none-too-subtle emphasis of the fact that it’s his job right now to cook for Yang makes it even clearer that it’s his role in Yang’s life that’s at issue.

The only reason to think that Frederica rather than Yang is the vertex is an assumption that Julian must be straight. And the only evidence that Julian has a crush on Frederica is the assumption that she must be the vertex of this triangle. This reading falls to pieces as soon as you remove those glasses.

Reading #2: It’s not romantic. This is much more interesting, because unlike Reading #1, it’s not just an illusion created by heteronormative assumptions. It’s a complexity inherent to the actual situation, and incredibly difficult to actually parse out the nuances of, both for us and for Julian.

The show doesn’t bother to give us a lot of details about Julian’s background in season one—we don’t even know at what age Julian went to live with Yang until the beginning of season two—and it’s easy as a viewer to classify Julian early on as “basically Yang’s kid” and therefore assume Julian sees it the same way. But that view bulldozes over a ton of complexity. Julian was raised by his father until he was eight, and went to live with Yang when he was twelve; Yang is his hero, teacher, mentor, role model, idol—all sorts of things, in addition to legal guardian, that create a major power differential between them. But never once does Julian refer to Yang as being like a parent to him as such—if we look at the source material, he’s consistent in referring to himself as Yang’s disciple (弟子) or orderly (従卒), and as I’ve pointed out before, this is reflected in the anime by the fact that his language and bearing around Yang, while affectionate, are more like a subordinate than like close family.

“So far I’ve only lived just shy of fifteen years. Exactly half of Yang’s age. In the next fifteen years, can I catch up to Yang’s pace? [...] ‘Don’t hold back and merely catch up, fly past him,’ Cazellnu said, and Schenkopp teased, ‘You’re running while he’s taking afternoon naps. Surely you’re gaining ground.’ Poplan laughed. [...] All three of them are watching me with interest and possibly some sympathy as I chase after my shifu (a good word, I learned it from Yang) from far behind.” —Julian’s Iserlohn Diary, p. 136-137 (From episode 29.)

Yang, for his part, has never wanted to be a parent or felt comfortable in that role; and the only way he knows how to treat Julian is as some combination of student and housekeeper.

Okay I’m not actually trying to over-analyze Yang’s syntax here; honestly I’m just taking the opportunity to use this gif because it cracks me up. (From episode 6.)

All of which is to say that in Julian’s eyes, Yang is an idol rather than a parent; and developing crushes on idols or mentors is so common as to be cliché. There’s nothing inorganic or unrealistic about the idea that Julian’s puppy love could develop into romantic attraction as he grows up. It would be complicated, awkward, painful, confusing, stressful, all sorts of difficult things for him—but none of that makes it unlikely to happen.

Good stories raise more questions than they answer; and the ambiguity and complexity of Julian’s feelings is one of the beautiful things about this story. Is it precisely accurate to call Julian’s feelings romantic? That’s not meant to have an easy answer—especially once you acknowledge that not all romance fits into neat normative boxes, especially once you recognize that romance isn’t synonymous with sex or lust, the lines become fuzzy and difficult to pin down.

But what’s unambiguous is that the question of whether Julian’s feelings are romantic is salient, both to the audience and to Julian himself.

I mean...come on.

The direct segue from Schenkopp commenting on Julian’s jealousy to asking about Yang’s romantic feelings; the paralleling of Yang and Frederica’s potential romance with Julian’s potential future romances; the visual of the target being shot directly in the heart. All of these details suggest that Julian is struggling with the question of how his place in Yang’s life relates to Yang’s love life and to his own. There’s no simple answer, and we’ll be continuing to look for details that give insight into how Julian himself perceives his emotions. 

<3

Cazellnu

Meanwhile…

“If you think about it, Cazellnu has no deeds of arms at the front lines or anything. Just through desk work he became a rear admiral at 34, so he’s a real bureaucratic prodigy. [...] When he took university entrance exams, he also passed the exam for the business management program at Ale Heinessen University, but he got the date for the enrollment papers wrong and was left with no choice but the military academy; he says this was one of the major blunders of his lifetime. The other one, he says, is ‘something my wife can never know.’” —Julian’s Iserlohn Diary, p. 110-111

Okay, so we’re focused on the anime here and technically Tanaka’s writing is not our Official Canon, but this backstory for Cazellnu somehow explains so much. When Yang left for Heinessen he failed to anticipate that Iserlohn would be attacked by an entire fortress (some “Magician” he is...), and left Cazellnu, Bureaucratic Prodigy in temporary command while he was away. Logical enough if the problems that are likely to arise are that somehow not enough toilet paper rations were delivered to block 74 that week; but it’s safe to say that Cazellnu finds himself a bit out of his depth when Geiersberg shows up. 

Schenkopp just straight-up disobeys Cazellnu’s order here, chain of command be damned—I like this little reminder that Schenkopp (and by extension the Rosen Ritter) has chosen to be loyal to Yang, but that doesn’t mean that he meekly accepts the authority of the Alliance forces in general.

The other admirals aren’t so brazen, but are also deeply frustrated with Cazellnu’s passive, let’s-just-try-to-stall-until-Yang-saves-us approach to the battle.

Mercifully, for Cazellnu and for the whole fortress, Merkatz has finally had enough of this. This is his extremely dignified and polite way of saying “listen kid, how about you step aside and let someone competent handle this.” Have I mentioned Merkatz is the best?

Poor Cazellnu didn’t ask for this and is really doing his best, and I almost feel bad for him…… but then I remember that he believes the ultimate purpose of human life is to pass on your genes to the next generation and that he ships his eight-year-old daughter with Julian, and I feel less bad. 

Yeah that’s right Alex, you brought this on yourself. Shoulda gotten those business school papers in on time, eh?

Stray Tidbits

The liquid hydro-metal coatings of Iserlohn and Geiersberg are one of my two favorite inventions of the anime (the other, of course, being Julian’s cat). This battle is absolutely gorgeous, and I love the Empire’s tactic of using the gravitational pull between the fortresses to submerge the Thor Hammer and expose the back of Iserlohn to attack. Well done anime team, well done.

“In terms of sci-fi concepts, I like the anime-original fluid metal of Iserlohn fortress. Kato Naoyuki (mechanic concept design) didn’t want to just have ships entering and exiting the fortress through an opening, and we started talking about what if they sunk softly into a mercury-like substance, and so it was created. That creation led to the idea of, during the battle with Geiersberg, using the gravitational pull to attack the back side.” —Producer Masatoshi Tahara, interiew in “LoGH: Complete Guide”

Aha, our first mention of Julian’s height, everyone take a shot! Okay, so tracking Julian’s height down to the half-centimeter (really) is more of a thing in the novels than the anime—in fact I think this is the only time we’re given a specific number in the show, although not the last time the topic arises. Anyway, I share Julian’s “where the fuck did that come from?” reaction here. Is this conversation a product of Yang musing about what Schenkopp said about Julian being jealous? A reasonable interpretation of Schenkopp’s line is that Julian is frustrated at being treated like a kid and left out of the fun grownup adventures. Yang may be obliquely trying to reassure him that he’ll get there soon.

Or maybe that book he’s reading just mentioned something about height and the question was totally random? I honestly don’t know.

In any case, after his initial surprise Julian seems quite pleased that his progress toward adulthood is not going unnoticed. And hi Gensui, yes I see you with that adorable yawn in the background; don't worry, Iserlohn’s design is badass but you are for sure the cutest addition to the anime. (Both from episode 30.)

I want to read the rest of this story dammit. Does Rose manage to drive the squirrel away?? This is the LoGH fanfiction the public demands.

Schenkopp, I used to respect you, but weak coffee? Have you no dignity at all?

I don’t blame this random kid for seeming so horrified by the request.

Is it possible that all Alliance coffee is just too weak and that’s why Yang hates it so much? (From episode 17.)

Julian, we can see you. Didn’t anyone teach you it’s rude to stare?

“Haha, my bad.”

Have I mentioned that I love Iserlohn? Damn it’s gorgeous.

[hakuyamazakisensei]

November One-Shots: Day Twenty-Six; Cozy (Yamazaki and Kimigiku)

Well...this did NOT go as planned because SOMEBODY would NOT stop being a suspicious party-pooper.... But here it is, anyway. :P You can also read it over at AO3, if you prefer!

Yamazaki paced the length of his room in quick, angry strides. Shimada was out on patrol with the second division, and Yamazaki was grateful to have the time he needed to calm his mind. He didn’t want to have to explain his agitation. He wasn’t even sure he could explain it. He didn’t understand it himself.

It had started on the night he discovered Saito-taichō in deep conversation with Ito-san. He still felt a warm flush on his cheeks when he thought back to that evening. He had been shocked at the situation he found himself in and ...he had not been at his best that evening. But what embarrassed him most was the fact that he had been watched and had not been aware of it until later.

The Oni shinobi, Kimigiku, had followed him the entire night and he never knew until mere moments before he took his leave from the Sumiya. He had spotted her as he retreated, and the sight had shocked him to his core. Had she chosen, she could have killed him on the spot and that thought sent chills down his spine. Not because he feared death -he did not- but he did fear being incapable of fulfilling his duties. If he died, it would definitely be an inconvenience for the Shinsengumi.

If that night had been the only night that he noticed her, he would have been able to overlook it. But lately, he had sensed her nearly every time he left the compound. It was...baffling and...not quite annoying, but...

And therein lie his frustration. He didn’t know what he felt about this odd situation. He had, of course, reported it to Hijikata-fukuchō the moment he realized it was happening. The vice-commander had simply told him to be on his guard and to report any changes in her actions.

But Yamazaki was discomfited more by the fact that he could not lose her. And he had tried. He used every bit of skill he had picked up in the two and half years he had been with the Shinsengumi, and it was useless. She never lost his trail....not once. It was beginning to mess with his confidence. How was it that she always knew where he would be? Did she follow him from the compound? It couldn’t be that. He triple-checked every time.

He clenched his hands into fists. There was only one way to solve the puzzle. He would have to confront her. But that caused minor problems of its own. Should he inform Hijikata-fukuchō of his plan? Was the risk worth the gain? What was the risk? And the question that bothered him most...would he be able to locate her if she chose to hide from him? Sighing, Yamazaki sat in seiza and began to empty his mind, taking slow, deep breaths. He needed clarity and meditation was something that Saito-taichō had taught him to use when he needed to focus his thoughts.

***

Kimigiku moved swiftly through the streets of Kyoto toward Sen-hime’s residence, her evening of intel-gathering at an end. It had been a slow night, and little of import had happened. The Shinsengumi captains had made an appearance, which was always entertaining, but unnoteworthy this time. She paused at the base of a small hill, just outside the city and listened. Smiling to herself, she moved again, slower than before. She knew who followed her and was impressed that he had done so without notice until that moment. He was improving. Still, her senses were more fine-tuned and her years of knowledge of the area gave her the advantage. She couldn’t allow him to follow her all the way to Yase, so she changed direction. She led him through the trees, moving swiftly toward an area deep within the wood that she knew well. When she reached the cozy little cabin that nestled into the side of a small hill, she turned to wait for him.

Yamazaki stopped just short of the clearing, searching the area around the Oni for any sign of a trap.  His instincts told him there were none, but he couldn’t allow himself to be careless. He made his way forward slowly, eyes on the shinobi, senses extended to the area surrounding them both.

“Yamazaki-han.”

He paused again, eyes darting around the clearing and up to the cabin’s rooftop, before coming to rest on Kimigiku. He remained silent, but inclined his head. Kimigiku bit back a smile. She was certain he would not appreciate it, or would misconstrue it as some form of condescension. It was not. She rather admired his work ethic, and found him to be quite a challenge. What she found most intriguing was his attempt to hide his true self behind those he admired -Saito-taichō and Hijikata-fukuchō.

“I have laid no traps, Yamazaki-han. Even if I had chosen to do so, I would not have had the time.”

Yamazaki had to concede the point. He had followed her from the Sumiya, all the way to this point. There was no way she could have known in advance about his plans. He hadn’t known them himself until the moment he left the compound.

“Kimigiku-san, you have been following me.”

The Oni arched a brow and studied Yamazaki’s expression. The direct approach...she should have known he would choose that course of action. She found it refreshing. There was no game-playing with this one. She decided to respond in kind.

“You are correct, Yamazaki-han.”

“Why are you following me? What is your purpose?”

At this determined request, Kimigiku did smile. She beckoned to Yamazaki and turned to the cabin.

“Please, join me. I am weary, and would prefer to have this conversation inside.”

Yamazaki hesitated, suspicion flaring up instantly. Kimigiku simply shook her head and moved to the door.

“We have already established that I had no time to set traps, Yamazaki-han.”

Yamazaki followed, his steps as silent and graceful as the woman’s. He left the door open, which Kimigiku noted with amusement, but chose not to mention. She pulled two cushions from a cabinet set against the wall and arranged them on the floor. They sat together, and Kimigiku began to speak.

“You asked why I have been following you.” She tilted her head to the side, contemplating the younger man. “Are you aware of how long I have been doing so?”

Yamazaki blinked at her blunt question. He thought she would attempt to hide the fact that she had been following him, and when she admitted to it, he assumed she would pretend it had only happened once or twice. He hated to admit that he was intrigued, but he was. He was also very cautious. She could be attempting to mislead him.

“Yamazaki-han, there is something you need to be aware of before you continue that train of thought,” Kimigiku interrupted.

Yamazaki glanced up sharply, his eyes narrowing. “What do you mean?”

“Your thoughts are very pronounced. When I am near you, I can hear them as clearly as if you had spoken.”

Yamazaki was on his feet in an instant, stepping toward the door. What had she ‘heard’? Had he revealed any secrets? How close did she have to be to hear him? Was she speaking the truth? Was this a trick? His mind reeled. When Kimigiku rose to her feet, he moved to a guarded position, ready to defend himself should she attack.

“I apologize. I have mishandled this severely,” she said quietly. She didn’t move, but looked at him imploringly. “You must understand, just as you have secrets that you must keep, I do as well. Not many know of that ability, Yamazaki-han. I shared it with you so that you could control your thoughts, not to trick you.”

Yamazaki was torn; should he stay and learn what he could, or should he leave now and consider this meeting a failure. He looked at Kimigiku closely, and tried to read what was behind her eyes. She appeared to be sincere, but it could be an act. He decided to do what he always did in such circumstances. He trusted his gut...and his gut told him she was not attempting to deceive him. To be on the safe side, he indicated that she should continue, but he remained standing by the door. Kimigiku sighed, took her seat, and gathered her thoughts.

“Sen-hime, my Lady, requested some time ago that I keep close watch over Yukimura-sama. You know that she is...vital to the demons, yes?”

“I know that Kazama wishes to take her as his bride whether Yukimura-kun is willing to go or not,” Yamazaki stated, stiffly.

“Yes, exactly. Female demons are rare, and so Kazama-sama wishes to have her. Sen-hime and I wish to keep that from happening. Yukimura-sama should be free to choose whom she wishes to marry. However, Kazama-sama does not see things in quite the same light. I am here to ensure that Yukimura-sama has her choice.”

“The Shinsengumi will protect Yukimura-kun...”

“Yes, of course you will. But I have been asked to keep watch, and so I shall. But I only tell you this to better explain why I have been following you, Yamazaki-han.”

Yamazaki frowned but moved back to his seat. “Please continue.”

“On the night that Yukimura-sama infiltrated the Sumiya under the guise of a geisha, you were there. I was intrigued by your actions.”

Yamazaki bit the inside of his cheek. That night was not one he cared to dwell on; he had overdone things and had borne the brunt of many bad jokes aimed his direction because of it -especially from Okita-taichō. What this shinobi could have found ‘intriguing’ was beyond him.

Kimigiku smiled again. “You think on your feet, and you placed yourself in a dangerous situation to protect Yukimura-sama. These things are rare among the humans I have seen.”

“They are not rare among the Shinsengumi,” Yamazaki said adamantly.

“Perhaps. I will agree some of your captains have more honor than I would have thought. Hijikata-fukuchō and Kondo-kyokuchō have gathered a rather impressive group of men beneath them.”

“You still have not said why you have been following me...or how.”

Kimigiku got the distinct impression that it was the ‘how’ that truly bothered the younger man. He watched her intently; a severe expression on his face.

“The ‘how’ is easy to answer. I can sense you. You have a distinct...pattern on my senses, as it were. The ‘why’ is more difficult to explain, but it comes down to what I stated earlier. Your actions and demeanor are different from most humans I have encountered, and you, like myself, work in the shadows.”

“You have been following me all over Kyoto because we have something in common?” he asked, incredulous.

“In part, yes,” Kimigiku stated with amusement. “But that is...irrelevant. What I find most fascinating is how well you do your job with so little training.”

Yamazaki’s eyes widened. “I have been trained very well by...”

Kimigiku held up a hand to slow the man down. “I did not say you were not trained well, Yamazaki-han. I only meant that you have not been training for a long period of time. I have trained from the time I was able to hold a weapon, yet  you are not so far behind me in ability. I find this both...annoying and fascinating. I have followed you to see how you react to situations; to see what you do that is different from me; to see if you handle situations in the same fashion that I would.”

“And do I?” Yamazaki asked, his solemn expression dissipating as the topic piqued his interest. If he could learn something from Kimigiku-san, perhaps it would aid the Shinsengumi.

“For the most part. There are differences, of course. We are different, after all. I am an Oni and a woman. My choices reflect my culture and my gender just as yours do. I do find your inability -or more likely, your unwillingness- to take care of yourself rather bothersome.”

“My...inability...to care for...myself?” Yamazaki spluttered, completely taken aback. “I am a doctor’s son. I am the chief medic of the Shinsengumi! What....”

“Yes, and you take care of the Shinsengumi’s ill quite well, I am sure. But you do not take care of yourself in the same manner.”

Yamazaki opened his mouth to argue and then snapped it shut. It was true that he sometimes overlooked certain things, when he was busy. His brows furrowed as he tried to think of an argument against what she was accusing him of, and found that he could not. Kimigiku rose to her feet, snapping him out of his thoughts.

“I must continue on my way, Yamazaki-han. I have answered your questions. Know that what I have told you tonight was not meant to criticize, but you do need to care for yourself more. You need more rest if you are going to place yourself in harm’s way on a daily basis. Please excuse me.”

Yamazaki watched as she drew close and he stepped to the side. She paused when she reached him, and Yamazaki was startled to find they were of a same height. He had not noticed before, and he berated himself for the lapse. He was still dwelling on that thought when Kimigiku spoke once more.

“ I come here often to meditate.  Perhaps you would join me one evening, Yamazaki-han.”

She slipped out the door and was gone before Yamazaki could pull his thoughts together. He considered her words very carefully as he walked back to the compound. Perhaps he would join her. If he could learn something useful, it would be worth the trip. He ignored the quiet voice in his head that suggested there might be other reasons to consider. He was, after all, a very busy man.

[slytherinspired]

Tell me about the one who loved him - A Sirius Black Imagine

It was just Harry and Professor Lupin now at the Burrow. A heavy silence hung over every patch of Harry’s skin, as if all the questions he had were now making their way out of his being. The young wizard went to join his former teacher in the kitchen. The latter seemed lost in thought. Sitting at the table, his escaped gaze was adrift in the confines of his consciousness and a veil rose on the surface of his pupils. Harry walked subtly towards him.

‘Professor Lupin?’ he asked.

The teacher turned at the young boy, and his expression changed immediately. How it was weird for him to see Harry. His heart would always burst when he faced him; each day Harry grew was a day he looked increasingly like his late father.

‘Yes, Harry?’ replied he.

With a concerned expression, the young wizard sat at the table to face his former professor.

‘Earlier, when we were at Grimmauld Place – ‘he began quietly. He had to be careful, a misstep and Professor Lupin would avoid his questions. ‘I overheard Sirius talking about someone he wished to see. Someone he hadn’t seen in a long time. Do you reckon who would that be?’

Professor Lupin’s expression changed, and a flash of concern crossed his face. This could only mean one thing.

‘I will take that as a yes, then,’ sighed Harry.

But the professor tried to brush it all away and feigned a reassuring smile.

‘Who was he talking about?’ continued the young boy.

‘It’s no one, Harry.’

‘Well, it must be someone, I heard you both arguing. You said it would be dangerous!’

‘Yes, it could be. But I won’t let him go.’

‘But what if he does anyway?’

Professor Lupin smiled at the idea. Yes, Sirius would probably go anyway.

‘Then,’ replied he calmly, ‘you have to trust your godfather, Harry. She won’t put him in danger, I am certain.’

Instantly, the professor realized he had just stuck his foot in his mouth.

‘She?’ shouted Harry in surprise.

Professor Lupin observed the young wizard with a little bit of precaution and sighed.

‘Did he have a wife?’ added Harry, unsure he knew his godfather at all anymore. The professor scoffed, and shook his head.

‘No, no, nothing like that. Sirius was never married.’

‘Then who are we talking about exactly?’

Harry felt angry. He was no longer a child. Everyone kept so many secrets from him; he could not take it anymore. He demanded that Lupin continued his story.

‘Her name was Y/N. She was his first love.’

‘Y/N?’

‘Yes,’ continued the professor with a calm voice. ‘Her family was a well-established line of Pure-blood wizards, mostly all descending from Italy.’

‘How come nobody ever mentioned her?’

There was a pause. Professor Lupin had to choose his next words carefully.

‘It never occurred, Harry. Some stories are better not be told.’

‘Tell me about them. Tell me about Y/N and Sirius then. I want to know.’

The professor chuckled lightly.

‘Of course, you do. But I shouldn’t be the one telling it. It belongs to them, and to them only.’

But Harry would not accept this answer. He begged his former teacher.

Professor Lupin sighed lengthily and gave up. ‘Why not?’ thought he.

‘As I mentioned before, Y/N came from an old powerful and rich family. She was born in a small village in Italy and studied there until her father was called at the Ministry here in England with the arrival of the threat hanging over us. The whole family moved away and she came to Hogwarts for her sixth year. Everybody was curious about her, you know, the new girl with the different accent.’

Harry smiled vaguely.

‘She was not only very smart but she was beautiful in a breathtaking way, I have to admit. All eyes were on her and she didn’t even seem to realize how much attention she was suddenly given. Of course, people were wondering how many days it would take for your godfather to strut in the halls next to her. However, the first time Padfoot set eyes on her, he was not taken away by her beauty, no. He just noticed the colour of the tie she was wearing, the colour of her Hogwarts house, and that was it.’

The young wizard raised his eyebrows.

‘There was simply no way Sirius Orion Black would ever get involved with a Slytherin, however beautiful she could be.’

‘A Slytherin?’ exclaimed Harry.

Professor Lupin nodded, lost in his tale.

‘It didn’t take long, Sirius was not fond of Potions class I you can believe me, and she was excellent. They were paired together to our great misfortune. They would fight all the time as if both had dedicated their existence in his regard. But deep down I sensed it, I observed how he looked at her like this unattainable treasure. The one person he resented because it would be against his principles to fancy someone like her.’

Lupin paused again.

‘You would think your godfather used to hang with a lot of girls but in fact he was way too shy to get to know someone. He would grow bored of them and leave them after a short while. I think Sirius wanted to fall in love, but didn’t know how. After all, he had craved love all his life.’

Harry nodded. He knew how Sirius grew up with a family that despised him.

‘He stayed at Hogwarts for the Christmas break and so did she. At one point, Professor Swoopstikes suggested they work on their partnership by brewing a potion together. I learnt it way after it happened but Sirius had kissed her. She shut herself off and for the rest of the year she avoided him. They didn’t fight anymore, they would just get on with their tasks and that was it. It was odd, but a relief.’

‘So, she rejected him,’ whispered Harry, feeling empathic for Sirius.

‘Yes. But you know him, he’s a very proud man. He played it along; he didn’t want her or anybody else to truly know how he felt about her. He’d mislead hate for love and call her names behind her back. But I saw the way he was clenching his fists when he saw her flirting with other boys.’

‘The school year ended and not long after he came home, he had this big fight with his mother.’

‘The day he ran away,’ murmured Harry.

‘Yes. The Potters – your grandparents – they took him home. He came to live with your father that summer. I don’t know if it was the fact that he now lived in a peaceful household, Harry, but when he came back to Hogwarts, he was different.’

‘How?’ asked the young wizard. 

‘It is hard to say. On the surface he was still himself; messing up and pranking everyone. But he looked and spoke differently. I would say he was less impulsive, more laid-back.’

‘What happened then?’

Professor Lupin smiled.

‘A couple of weeks after the first term of our last year started…’ he hesitated.

 ‘You would not be surprised if I told you your godfather liked to be the centre of attention, would you?’

The young boy shook his head. It wouldn’t be surprising at all.

‘One morning, as we were all eating breakfast in the Great Hall, Y/N entered the hall, shortly followed by Sirius. As she was heading to the table, he grabbed her by the waist and as we thought they were about to have their first fight of the year, he bent and smacked his lips on her in front of everybody. James almost choked on his toast!’

Harry burst into laughing.

‘Everybody stared at them, the students, the professors, everybody, waiting for Y/N’s reaction. We were expecting her to slap him in the face! She raised her hand only to press it on his cheek and kiss him back! It was all very awkward to watch, really. We later learnt that he had talked to her on the first day we arrived and that it had been going on in secret until that day.’

‘How was he?’ giggled Harry. ‘I can’t picture Sirius with someone, he’s so grumpy…’

Professor Lupin rolled his eyes.

‘Oh, he was a pain in the ass. They were always together, king and queen of their year, walking arms around each other in the halls, laughing out loud, Sirius holding her on his shoulders in the corridors… sneaking out at night and ask your dad for his invisibility cloak an abusing amount of time. But he was in love! He was smiling. He was head over heels for her.’

Harry suddenly felt sad.

‘I didn’t know that…’

Remus’ smile faded away, and he cleared his throat.

‘Her family didn’t want her to date him. They thought she wasn’t meant to date a boy who had turned his back from his very own blood. Y/N could do better than a disowned son. Shortly after Hogwarts, Sirius wanted her to go and live with him but her parents objected. She was closed to them and didn’t want to fight. She would sneak away every time she could. Sirius felt a little bit empty. When your dad married your mother, Harry, Sirius felt lonelier than ever. Of course, he was happy for them, but he wished he had the same with Y/N. War was approaching and he wanted to have her in sight at all time.’

‘But…’ interjected Harry.

‘But you know the rest of the story. Everything happened overnight.’

Professor Lupin’s eyes became watery.

‘I was the one telling her the news. I was the one to inform her that the man she loved was accused of betraying his friends and that he had been thrown in Azkaban. I will always remember the look on her face. I can’t forget it. She told me she didn’t believe he could have done those things, Harry, but I didn’t listen to her. I was grieving and enraged. A few months later, she disappeared. Rumour was she had left to live back in Italy with her grandparents.’

Harry’s eyes widened.

‘Wait a minute, Sirius doesn’t think about going there, is he?’

‘No. She came back a few years ago. She’s currently in London, working for her father.’

‘I don’t understand,’ opposed the young wizard. ‘If they loved each other, would it be bad if he saw her? It might cheer him up a bit…’

Professor Lupin sighed and shook his head.

‘Things have changed in thirteen years, Harry. Y/N is not the woman she was before. And her parents, the Y/L/N, they’re – ‘

‘Y/L/N?’ interrupted Harry quickly.

The professor sighed and closed his eyes. He had made the second mistake of the night.

‘I know one Y/L/N at school. She’s a third year, I think…’

Harry looked right at Lupin.

‘You would have to say, it is not a very common name here.’

‘Harry…’ sighed Professor Lupin with a hesitant tone.

‘You said Y/N came back a few years ago, didn’t she?’

The professor stayed silent. He could see Harry’s ideas jostling in his head. It was too late.

‘I mean, she could be anybody’s daughter,’ Harry grinned. ‘But you’d have to say, it is pretty weird that she’s a second year and that she has her mother’s last name.’

The young boy was now staring into Lupin’s eyes.

‘Does he know?’ he tried.

Professor Lupin didn’t move.

‘I see her now. I remember she had this familiar stare, these silver eyes…’ he hesitated. ‘Tell me, does Sirius know he has a daughter?’

‘Harry…’

‘How could you hide such a big thing from him?’

‘It is complicated – ‘

‘No, it’s not! If Sirius has a daughter, if he has a child of his own, doesn’t he have the right to know?’ shouted the young wizard.

‘That is not for us to tell him!’ replied Professor Lupin, panicked.

How he regretted the conversation he just had.

‘But he needs to know!’ Harry cried back.

‘No, he doesn’t!’ shouted Lupin. ‘Do you know what it would do to him? Knowing he missed thirteen years of his daughter’s life? How it would destroy him? Knowing that in a matter of seconds, he went to your house only to discover the horrible thing that happened to your parents and lost everything because he’s a selfish prick who couldn’t wait for the Ministry? That night, Harry, that horrible night, your godfather only thought about himself, about his rage, about his anger!’

‘He wanted to avenge my parents!’ yelled the young boy.

‘Yes, he wanted to! To which price? He lost everything! He would feel so torn, Harry, if he came to know. He would not forgive himself, and did you see him? He’s already in such a state… Maybe when he recovers, maybe when he finds peace again, if this day ever comes. He really cared about Y/N, and to know that he let her down like that, to learn that she was pregnant with their child when everything happened, I don’t think he’s strong enough for that. Not yet.’

[mojput-mypath]

Guru, Sangha, Dharma explained/Guru, Sangha, Dharma objašnjeno

Reading time: 11 minutes, 20 seconds. 

GURU

To start from the top. Well, the Guru is on the top, that is for sure, at least from my point of view. It is so easy when someone worships and loves a god, a goddess, a divinity, but to love and yes, worship, a man – that is another story. Every human being who has not loved a Guru, or before they started to love a Guru, have resisted it. It is so difficult for a human ego to surrender to someone who is yet another man on the planet. To have reverence for an unseen God or made-up notion – is so easy. To be in love with the divine – yes! But to be in love with the Guru – oh no! Surrender to, worship, to be in love with – notions hard to connect to another human being, who is not our partner. The feeling of being humiliated, or diminished is so automatically connected to this in most people. It’s a cult! It’s a personality cult! So easy to judge.

Yet, the Guru himself says: do not see the Guru as a man. See the Guru as a Guru. Both, so to say: ‘versions’ are present. The man, the personality, with a name and a body is one. The Guru, the Master, the Teacher is another. Do you need to know your history teacher’s family life in order to learn from her or him? Not at all. So why judge and question the personality of the Guru, instead of just seeing him in the teacher role?

Again, hard to accept that one human being looks up to and believes strongly and is even obsessed with another human being. Yes, if you see the Guru as the personality, rather than accept him as the role he is in – the Guru role. Do we love our precious life and skills teachers? Of course we do. We admire them, wish to be like them. We think we could never be like them. Yet, the role of the Guru is to show by example. To show you in human form, that it is possible to be free, to have enlightenment, to live exactly what you teach.

My Guru says: your first Guru was your mother. Then, you had Gurus in school, then later mentors, more Gurus, teachers at the University, people you met, who taught you and lead you on your life’s path – to knowledge, to learning skills, to dealing with the world. Everyone has had many Gurus in their lives. Yet, the spiritual Guru is the one you need to protect yourself from, he might mislead you. No trust in the Gurus. Especially those who are deeply loved, appreciated and yes, even worshipped. They might be having a hidden agenda.

Do you remember how you were attached to your mother as a child? I tell you, this feels the same. You feel like a child, and you feel attached to your Guru. It is hard to let go. Only, when grown-ups behave like children, and they are attached to a grown man, and not a child to a mother – makes it all the weirder.

A Guru is someone who has transformed a person’s inner and outer life. A Guru is someone who has given everything and asked for nothing in return. A Guru given unconditional love that you can feel very tangibly in his presence. It is like sweet nectar, so hard to resist. There are no words and no feelings to describe this unique and strange relationship.  

Of course, there are reasons to doubt, priests and gurus are known for scandals about money, sex and politics. Also, they are not the only ones, just more stigmatized for it. Yet, everyone decides for themselves what and who to believe in. So, you can decide, and I can also decide – isn’t it? Freedom to the people!

MY STORY:

I remember the first time I did my first Art of Living course, I remember how much love and relief I felt on that course. It just knocked my life upside down. How much depth it gave me, how blown away I was by every little thing in it. By the time I would be meeting my Guru for the first time, I felt a connection with him, I felt we have known each other for a long time. I felt so connected as if he was a family member I have not yet met and much more than that. When I saw him the first time, I saw the his body and I was surprised. He was so short, it was strange to bring together the strong connection I felt with the little body in front of me. A little later he was walking around to meet and greet everyone. I remember the whole event as a dream. He was walking, and I could not see clearly, I felt as if he was floating off the ground, and so was I. It was truly magical and it has stayed magical for most of my physical encounters with him.

A Guru, my Guru, da Guru/Guru, moj Guru, naj Guru

SANGHA

Sangha, the spiritual community. The community is like extended family, only extended family might feel and be quite distant from you and your life. But the Sangha is very close. This is actually a bunch of strange and random people that are suddenly in your life, with one thing connecting you – your chosen spiritual path. First, the Sangha is not chosen, like friends are. It is inevitable, like family is. Only family is connected by something quite irreplaceable and that is being born in the same family, whether connected by blood or not.

This cannot even be explained, family is family and that cannot be changed, whether we like them or not. Friends can be abandoned, forgotten, but family cannot. And where does the Sangha come in? Your family can be in your Sangha, you may find people who become your friends in your Sangha, yet, there are many people in the community that are neither of the two mentioned. Some you like, you can easily work with. And some you do not like and cannot easily do anything with. But they are there. Glued to you, while walking the same path in life. You may wish to choose to dump your Sangha, but the Sangha comes together with the Guru. They are inseparable.

Guru says that the Guru pulls you up from above, and Sangha pushes you up from below. Trying to pull you down, you manage to still overcome it and raise up, towards the divine. Sometimes these people can really be so challenging that people drop their joined goals, because they cannot handle the misunderstandings and clashes with their fellow teammates. It is so strange, the community is not chosen, not forced upon you. It is there and you kind of just get into it without having a say. As the only thing connecting you is the spiritual path, the people here come from all walks of life, are of all ages and backgrounds, from all over the country, and world!

There is a Latin expression: Quot linguas calles, tot capitas vales, meaning you are worth that many people as many languages you know. I would take this and ad a Guru flavor to it, as he says: how many people that are different from you become your friends, that is how many new things you can learn. If you like one kind of music, and are good in one subject in school, and have friends of only one religion – how much do you know of the rest of the world. If you live in a closed community of only like-minded people, how much can you learn about the rest of the world? It is comfortable to stay close to people who think and look alike.

The spiritual community opens up all the limitations and judgements you might have about other people. You get to see, by doing so many things together with these strangers, how people all around the world have the same or very similar inner turmoil. Whether rich or poor, young or old, naughty or kind, we all have love, hate, fear, jealousy, sadness, joy, generosity…

At the core of our being, we are truly the same. We are all simply human. How we look like, which language we speak, what kind of traditions and customs we practice, the colour of our skin, the way we express those emotions - is just make-up and masks, suits and clothes, nothing more.

It is so hard to see a human being in every human being. If you see a killer, a drug addict, a politician – you see the roles they play and you judge them for it. We seem to forget we all hurt, we all love – somewhere, somehow, we are all the same. Born and living and dying.

The community teaches you this, most of the time the hard way. First you dislike, judge, even hate, and then in time, situations exhibit the true nature of the same people, who you suddenly understand, feel compassion for, and actually love.

MY STORY:

At the beginning I met a lot of people in Art of Living, and I felt strangely connected to them, even though I didn’t know them well. At the same time I was confused, because they were not my friends, nor my family. I recently realised, for example, that I have known a person for at least 10 years, and do not know what his job is. We met many times at different events, and I can, with certainty, tell you a lot about who he is, how he reacts to situations and people, what his best and worst qualities are, yet I did not know a simple fact from his life, like his profession. It doesn’t seem important in this context!

A small chunk of my crazy Sangha/Djelić moje lude Sanghe

DHARMA

As I see it, there are two spiritual goals in life. One is more spiritual and the other a bit more material, yet both are spiritual. The spiritual goal is enlightenment, and the material is a mission of helping people, changing the world for the better. People often question their Dharma – their purpose in life. They wonder if what they are doing is in alignment with their Dharma, are they taking the right path and making the right moves in the right direction. I think Dharma is to be discovered by one’s self, rather than given by anyone, not even the Guru. The Guru may be a part of your Dharma, but can anyone in this creation really tell someone what their inner most desire to achieve in this life is? I feel not.

I am not sure you can ever really be certain what your Dharma is, before maybe the last days and hours of your life, when you can realise what it was. But, life happens while the search for one’s Dharma is also happening. It is almost like a pull, and a confusion, and then certainty until the next uncertainty. I think trying to figure out what your Dharma is, is actually what Dharma is. Constantly asking yourself what it is what you should be doing, what you feel connected to and feel it is somehow contributing to the world.

A part of Dharma is also the spiritual work. You do the work in the world, and you feel fulfilled by it (or not, depends), and then you also want to know what else you should do for your spiritual growth, your spiritual goal in life.

Guru once said that helping remove violence and poverty is important and we have to do this work in the world, but that is not the only thing we should strive towards. We should strive to know and understand the highest. And what is that highest? The truth of what life is, who we are. How to know? By trying to find out, by moving in the direction of wanting to know, and exploring, learning on the way.

What do I feel my Dharma is? At the moment I am confused about my Dharma, therefor I find it hard even to write about it. I thought my Dharma is to do Art of Living work, a lot of different projects at different times. I wanted to work with prisoners, with addicts, with traumatised people, I wanted to work with troubled youth and people and help them heal. Somehow this is not happening, or maybe I am not working at it hard enough. I now do not feel like any of this work is my Dharma, I feel more that my Dharma is to just be who I am and whatever I do will be my Dharma at that time. This sounds profoundly enlightened from me, but that is how I feel at the moment. Maybe I am confused about my Dharma?

At the moment I feel I wish to go deeper into my experience, into my emotions, into my meditations. All that happens around that is satisfying and beautiful and helpful to others and me, but I feel that even more important than the outer work, is to see what is in alignment with myself. I feel more like playing guitar and writing than anything else. If that consecutively helps people – lovely! I don’t feel such an insane drive as I did earlier about saving the world and healing the people on the planet.

And that is my personal understanding and attempt to break concepts about teachers, spiritual communities and life’s purpose, in the context of a spiritual path.

Maybe my Dharma is to have one of these, a little man, my spectacular being of a nephew/Možda je moja Dharma imati jednog ovakvog, malog čovjeka, poput ovog spektakularnog bića kao što je moj nećak

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

HRVATSKI

Vrijeme čitanja: 9 minutes, 48 seconds.

GURU

Da počnemo od vrha. Guru je definitivno na vrhu, barem iz moje točke gledišta. Tako je lako kada netko štuje i voli boga, božicu, božansko, ali voljeti, i da, čak i štovati čovjeka – to je već druga priča. Svaki čovjek koji nije nikad volio Gurua, ili prije nego je počeo voljeti Gurua, se tome opirao. Ljudskom egu se jako teško predati nekome tko je samo još jedan drugi čovjek na planeti. Imati duboko štovanje za neviđenog Boga ili izmišljeni princip – jako je lako. Biti zaljubljen u božansko – o da! Ali biti zaljubljen u Gurua – o ne! Predati se, štovati, voljeti – pojmovi koje je teško vezati uz drugo ljudsko biće koje nam nije partner. Mnogim ljudima se automatski na to veže osjećaj poniženosti ili umanjivanja nas samih. To je kult! To je kult ličnosti! Jako je lako donijeti prosudbu.

Sam Guru kaže: nemoj vidjeti Gurua kao čovjeka. Vidi Gurua kao Gurua. I jedna i druga takoreći 'verzija' su prisutne. Čovjek, osobnost, s imenom i tijelom je jedno. Guru, Učitelj je drugo. Da li ti je potrebno poznavati obitelj profesora/-ice iz povijesti kako bi učio od njega ili nje? Ni najmanje. Onda zašto prosuđivati osobnost Gurua, umjesto ga vidjeti u ulozi učitelja?

Opet, teško je prihvatiti da jedno ljudsko biće toliko snažno vjeruje, i čak je i opsjednuto s drugim ljudskom bićem. Da, ako vidiš Gurua kao osobu, a ne prihvaćaš ga samo u ulozi koju ima – Guruovskoj ulozi. Volimo li učitelje koji su nas podučili dragocjenim životnim lekcijama, ili vještinama? Naravno da volimo. Divimo im se, želimo biti poput njih. Mislimo da nikada nećemo moći biti poput njih. Guruova uloga je pokazati primjerom. Pokazati u ljudskom obliku, da je moguće biti oslobođen, prosvjetljen, živjeti točno ono što podučavaš.

Moj Guru kaže: tvoj prvi Guru je bila tvoja majka. Zatim si imao mnoge Gurue u školi, kasnije mentore, još Gurua, profesore na fakultetu, ljude koje si upoznao, koji su te podučili, i poveli sa sobom na tvom životnom putu: ka znanju, ka učenju vještina, ka nošenju sa svijetom. Svatko od nas je imao mnogo Gurua u životu. No, od duhovnog Gurua se treba zaštititi, može te povesti na krivi put. Nema povjerenja u Gurue. Pogotovo one koji su duboko voljeni, cijenjeni i da, čak i štovani. Mogli bi imati skrivene namjere.

Sjećaš li se kako si bio vezan za majku kao malo dijete? Kažem ti, ovo je isti taj osjećaj. Osjećaš se poput djeteta, osjećaš se vezano za Gurua. Teško ga je pustiti. Samo, kada se odrasli ljudi ponašaju poput djece, i vezani su za drugog odraslog čovjeka, a ne dijete za majku – čini cijelu stvar čudnijom.

Guru je netko tko je izmijenio unutarnji i vanjski život druge osobe. Guru je netko tko daje sve, a ne traži ništa zauzvrat. Guru dijeli bezuvjetnu ljubav, koja je jako opipljiva u njegovom prisustvu. Poput slatkog nektara, teško je odoljeti. Nema riječi ni osjećaja kojima se ovaj jedinstven i neobičan odnos može opisati.

Naravno da ima razloga za sumnju, svećenici i Gurui su poznati po financijskim, seksualnim i političkim skandalima. Naravno, nisu oni jedini, samo su više stigmatizirani kad se nađu upleteni u slične aktivnosti. Svatko može za sebe odlučiti što i u koga će vjerovati. Dakle, ti možeš odlučiti, i ja isto mogu odlučiti – zar ne? Sloboda narodu!

MOJA PRIČA

Sjećam se prvi put kad sam završila svoj prvi Art of Living tečaj. Sjećam se koliko sam ljubavi i olakšanja osjetila na tom tečaju. Izokrenuo mi je život naopako. Koliko mi je dao dubine, koliko sam bila impresionirana sa svakom sitnicom koja se na tom tečaju odvila. Prije nego što sam upoznala svog Gurua po prvi puta, osjećala sam povezanost s njim, osjećala sam kao da se znamo već dugo vremena. Osjećala sam se toliko povezano, kao da mi je član obitelji kojeg još nisam upoznala i puno više od toga. Kada sam ga prvi puta zapravo upoznala i vidjela, ugledala sam njegovo tijelo i bila sam iznenađena. Bio je toliko malen, bilo mi je jako neobično povezati tu snažnu povezanost koju sam osjećala s čovjekom koji ima tako maleno tijelo. Malo kasnije, se šetao i pozdravljao ljude ili razgovarao s njima. Sjećam se tog cijelog događaja poput nekog sna. Hodao je, i nisam mogla jasno vidjeti, djelovalo mi je kao da pluta, bez da dodiruje pod, i ja sam se tako osjećala. Bilo je baš čarobno i ostalo je čarobno, skoro svaki puta kad se fizički susretnem s njim.

SANGHA

Sangha, duhovna zajednica. Zajednica je poput šire obitelji, samo šira obitelj ti nekada može djelovati dosta daleko od tebe i tvog života. Ali Sangha je jako bliska. To je zapravo hrpa čudnih, raznolikih ljudi koji ti se odjednom nađu u životu. Imate jednu poveznicu – dijelite isti duhovni put. Prvo, Sanghu ne biramo, kao što biramo prijatelje. Sangha je neizbježna, poput obitelji. Samo obitelj povezuje nešto nezamjenjivo, a to je rođenje u istoj obitelji, bilo da dijelimo krv ili ne.

Ovo ne može biti objašnjeno, obitelj je obitelj i to je nepromjenjivo, bilo da nam se sviđaju ili ne. Prijatelje možeš napustiti ili zaboraviti, ali obitelj ne možeš. Odakle dolazi Sangha? Tvoja obitelj može biti u tvojoj Sanghi, možeš u Sanghi pronaći prijatelje, ali isto tako u zajednici postoje ljudi koji nisu ni jedno ni drugo. Neki ti se sviđaju i možeš lako surađivati s njima, neki ti se nikako ne sviđaju i ne možeš ništa s njima lako. Ali eto ih tu. Zalijepljeni za tebe, dok hodate istom životnom cestom. Možda želiš ostaviti svoju Sanghu, ali Sangha dolazi ruku pod ruku s Guruom. Neodvojivi su.

Guru kaže da te Guru vuče odozgora prema gore, a da te Sangha gura odozdola. Pokušava te povući prema dolje, ali ti je uspiješ nadići i ići prema gore, prema božanskom. Nekada odnosi s tim ljudima mogu biti toliko izazovni da ljudi napuste svoje zajedničke ciljeve, jer se ne mogu nositi s nerazumijevanjem i sukobima mišljenja s kolegama iz tima. To je baš neobično, zajednicu ne biraš, i nitko te ne tjera da budeš s njima. Zajednica je jednostavno tu, i ti postaneš dio nje, bez puno mogućnosti odabira. Kako je jedino što vas povezuje duhovni put, ljudi tu dolaze iz svih područja života, svih dobi i pozadina, iz cijele zemlje i svijeta!

Postoji latinska izreka: Quot linguas calles, tot capitas vales, a znači da vrijediš kao toliko ljudi koliko jezika poznaješ. Uzela bih tu izreku i dodala malo Guruovog začina, a on kaže ovako: koliko ljudi drugačijih od tebe ti postanu prijatelji, toliko možeš drugačijih stvari naučiti. Ako voliš jednu vrstu glazbe, i dobar si u jednom predmetu u školi i imaš prijatelje jedne religije – koliko poznaješ ostatak svijeta? Ako živiš u zatvorenoj zajednici ljudi koji svi imaju slična mišljenja, koliko možeš znati o ostatku svijeta? Ugodno nam je biti blizu ljudi koji misle i izgledaju slično.

Duhovna zajednica u nama rastvori sva ograničanja i prosudbe koje bi mogli imati prema drugim ljudima. Shvatiš, radeći jako puno stvari s tim strancima, kako ljudi sa svih srtana svijeta imaju vrlo slična unutarnja previranja. Bogati ili siromašni, mladi ili stari, zločesti ili brižni, svi mi nosimo ljubav, mržnju, strah, ljubomoru, tugu, radost, velikodušnost…

Suštinski smo zaista svi jednaki. Svi smo jednostavno ljudi. Kako izgledamo, koji jezik govorimo, kakve tradicije i običaje prakticiramo, boja kože koju imamo, način na koji izražavamo emocije – je sve samo šminka i maske, odijela i odjeća, ništa više.

Toliko je teško vidjeti ljudsko biće u svakom ljudskom biću. Ako vidiš ubojicu, ovisnika, političara – vidiš ulogu koju igraju i osuđuješ ih zbog iste. Zaboravljamo da nas svih boli, da svi volimo – negdje, nekako, smo svi isti. Rodimo se, živimo i umiremo.

Zajednica te uči svemu ovome, najčešće na najteži način. Prvo ti se netko ne sviđa, pa procjenjuješ, čak mrziš, a onda s vremenom, situacije ti pokažu pravu prirodu istih tih ljudi, koje odjednom razumiješ, s kojima suosjećaš i zapravo i zavoliš.

MOJA PRIČA

Na samom početku sam upoznala puno ljudi u Art of Living-u, i osjećala sam neobičnu bliskost sa svima, iako ih nisam dobro poznavala. Istovremeno sam bila zbunjena, jer to nisu bili moji prijatelji, niti obitelj. Nedavno sam, na primjer, doznala, da sam poznajem osobu više od 10 godina, i ne znam što je po profesiji. Susretali smo se mnogo puta na različitim događanjima, i mogu ti sa sigurnošću reći tko on jest, kako reagira na situacije i ljude, koje su mu najbolje i najgore kvalitete, dok istovremeno ne znam jednostavnu činjenicu o njemu, kao tu koji posao radi. I ne čini se bitno, u danom kontekstu.

DHARMA

Kako ja vidim stvari, postoje dva duhovna životna cilja. Jedan je malo duhovniji, a drugi malo materijalniji, a i oba su duhovna. Duhovni cilj je prosvjetljenje, a materijalni je misija pomaganja ljudima, i mijenjanje svijeta na bolje. Ljudi često propituju svoju Dharmu – svoju životnu svrhu. Pitaju se, da li je to što rade u skladu s njihovom Dharmom, idu li pravim putem i poduzimaju ispravne korake u pravom smjeru. Osobno mislim da svatko treba svoju Dharmu sam otkriti, nego da nam je dana, pa čak ni od Gurua. Guru može biti dio tvoje Dharme, ali može li zaista itko u ovoj kreaciji reći nekom drugom što je njegova najdublja želja koju želi ostvariti u ovom životu? Osjećam da ne.

Nisam sigurna može li itko ikada biti uistinu siguran koja mu je Dharma, dok ne dođe do zadnjih dana i sati života, kada možda može shvatiti što je Dharma bila u tom životu. Život se odvija dok se potraga za Dharmom također odvija. To je poput nečeg što te povuče, i zbunjuje, dok ne osjetiš sigurnost, i tako do slijedeće nesigurnosti. Zapravo, mislim da ono što Dharma jest, je pokušaj shvaćanja što jest naša Dharma. Konstantno sebe preispitivati što je to što bi trebalo raditi, s čim se osjećamo povezano, a da za to isto osjećamo da doprinosimo svijetu.

Dio Dharme je sigurno duhovni rad. Radiš u svijetu, i osjećaš se ispunjeno (ili ne, ovisi), a onda također želiš znati što još možeš napraviti za svoj duhovni rast, za svoj duhovni cilj u životu.

Guru je jednom rekao da je pomaganje u otklanjanju nasilja i siromaštva važno, i da moramo raditi u svijetu, ali to nije jedino čemu bi trebali stremiti. Trebali bi također stremiti poznavanju i razumijevanju najvišeg. Što je to najviše? Istina o tome što život jest, tko mi jesmo. Kako to znati? Tako što se trudimo doznati, tako što se krećemo prema tome da saznamo, istraživanju, učenju po putu.

Što ja osjećam da je moja Dharma? U ovom trenutku sam poprilično zbunjena oko svoje Dharme, zato mi je uopće teško pisati sve ovo. Mislila sam da je moja Dharma isključivo se baviti Art of Living radom, puno različitih projekata istovremeno. Htjela sam raditi sa zatvorenicima, s ovisnicima, pomagati traumatiziranim ljudima, htjela sam raditi s problematičnom mladeži i pomoći im zacijeliti. Nekako se to ništa nije ostvarilo, ili možda ne radim dovoljno na tome. Sada ne osjećam da je sve to moja Dharma, osjećam da je moja Dharma samo biti to tko jesam i štogod radim ili štogod ću raditi će biti moja Dharma u tom trenutku

Ovo baš zvuči kao da dolazi od duboko prosvjetljene osobe, ali eto, tako se sad osjećam. Možda sam zbunjena oko svoje Dharme?

Trenutno osjećam da želim ići dublje u vlastito iskustvo, u svoje osjećaje, u svoje meditacije. Sve što se događa oko mene je ispunjujuće i lijepo i pomaže drugima i meni, ali osjećam da je još važnije od rada na van, vidjeti što je to što je uistinu u skladu sa mnom. Najradije bih svirala gitaru i pisala, nego bilo što drugo. Ako to da za rezultat da su drugi sretni – prekrasno! Ne osjećam taj luđački poticaj kao što sam ranije osjećala, za spašavanje svijeta i iscjeljivanje cijele planete.

Ovo je moje osobno razumijevanje i pokušaj da razbijem koncepte o učiteljima, duhovnim zajednicama i životnom smislu, unutar pojma duhovnog života.

[dejaaalm]

My 2019 Vision Board

Hi everyone! I’m excited to share my 2019 vision board with all of you. I’m sorry this post came in a little late. This is my first time ever making one of these. I didn’t have a plan in mind on how I wanted it to look, or if it should be categorized into specific sections, or if there was a particular theme I wanted to express. I really wasn’t anticipating for my vision board to turn out professional looking or beautiful at all. I heard about the idea and I just wanted to run with it.

Last month, I had a meeting with my children ministry staff and we began the process of creating our vision boards. I’m a rookie at this so the only things I prepared were some magazines, clear gift wrapping tape, scissors, and colorful markers. I randomly started tearing out images, words, and quotes that grabbed my attention and then I taped it on my board. We shared our vision boards with each other and then I told the ladies to take their awesome boards home and add more to it.

Below is my complete 2019 vision board! I could seriously add a lot more but I think this is a good start. Truthfully, it is all over the place. It’s not organized, or unique, or fancy at all. I will try my best to explain what’s on my board. We will start from the top left corner and you’ll just have to kind of follow along with me as we go through it. Again, this is my first time making this so I’ll get better at creating and designing these vision boards.

1) Picture of a lady cleaning her face – I want to make it a habit to clean my face twice a day. I have really oily skin and now that I’m not taking birth control anymore, my raging hormones are causing a lot of break out. On the very bottom of this picture, it says “7:30 AM.” One of my ultimate goals for this year it to wake up and start work earlier because I have a habit of sleeping in until 10:00 AM and starting work at 10:30. This means working until 6:30 at night. Waking up earlier means ending work earlier!

2) “What comes next is everything.” – This is just a quote that I really liked. All that I am doing right now, whether good or bad, is to prepare me for what God has in store for me next. I used to be a big pessimistic about life but now that I’ve grown and matured a bit, I am always thinking about the future battles and rewards. I’m working hard and smart in the present because what comes next will be even better.

3) Family Fun! – Yes, I believe in spending quality time with my husband and kids. I wrote a bunch of fun adventures and things that I would love to do with my family this year. Last month, January, we went to Chuck E Cheese for Evan’s 5th birthday. It was so fun that after 6 hours, I was extremely exhausted. I just love seeing my kids have fun and also having a reason to hold my husband’s hand in public.

4) “Wow. You have a very understanding wife.” – I expect a lot from my husband. Like literally. This is just a good reminder for myself to remember and acknowledge that there is only one him and he needs his alone time, time to bond with his friends, and time to express himself. I want to be more understanding of his space, needs, and desires.

5) Mom’s Night Out! – I would love to spend more time with my girlfriends who are also moms. It’s nice to bond with women and talk about the struggles and challenges of motherhood as well as the victories. I love learning from other moms about how to manage behavioral issues, how to teach kids to do things, how to cook meals for kids, and etc. It reminds me that I am not alone in parenting.

6) Baby – Scott and I are trying for another baby. Please pray for us!

7) Day & Night Chapstick – My lips dry up a lot and I always forget to put on my chapstick. I’m trying to make it a good habit to put chapstick or lip balm on throughout the day and especially at night before bedtime.

8) Lady with her eyes closed – This is to remind me to sleep earlier. I have a tendency of staying up really late at night Youtubing which is so unhealthy. My other goal is to meditate more—take 15 minutes in between throughout the day to close my eyes, breathe in and out, and relax. By the way, check out the calming gif I saved on my “like” section to the right. It’s called “Sync your breathing with this.”

9) Baby Weight – I’ve gained a lot of weight since having my two kids. Basically, if having a baby is not within our radar, then my goal is to lose all this baby weight I’ve put on. I have been persuading Scott to try the keto diet with me. My sister-in-law, Holly, lost 10 lbs in one month by doing keto. That’s definitely a sign for us!

10) “Ready, Set, Action!” – This is my motto for this year. Plan something, prepare for it, and go at it!

11) Time to Shine – I want to say “yes” to opportunities. Naturally, I’m a shy person and always feel unworthy when opportunities knock at my door but I am learning to be more confident in myself and to step it up.

12) Go Big Hair! – I’m growing out my hair. In a few weeks here, I’m going to tone down my hair color to a natural dark brown. People think that growing out your hair means never cutting it. I simply don’t believe in that strategy. I’ve always believed that if you want long healthy hair, it also needs to be trimmed. I don’t know about you but I hate having dry split ends. I usually trim a few inches off every 6-8 months. I air dry my hair a lot and I don’t style it very often either. Maybe I’ll show you in a different blog post about what I use to care for my hair to keep it long and healthy.

13) You Do You – Yes! Less worrying about other people and their problems or what they think of me, and more focus on my goals, needs, and wants.

14) You, They, He, She, Everyone – “Forgive Over & Over…Matthew 18:21-22” As I’m getting older, I’m learning to pick and choose my battles wisely. Forgiving others is so much more freeing to the mind and spirit than to hate and hold a grudge against someone. I wish I could have taught myself this ten years ago. No matter who sins against me, I must forgive over and over.

15) “I am what I make up” – Simple as that! This ties in with #14. I want to be known as someone who is quick to forgiving and not as someone who simply can’t let go of the past. I am not a hater. I am a lover.

16) Home Away from Home – Scott and I purchased our camper trailer last year and I’m really excited to remodel the interiors this spring. I want to expand my inner interior designs and ideas. Even though I’m not that good, I want to make our camper feel luxurious, cozy, and the way I imagined it.

17) Creating the Ideal Living Space – I’m really into home décor these days. I want to start a home décor journal to draw and jot down ideas that comes to mind. Scott and I want to expand our house someday. We want to add a sun room next to our dining area. We also want to build a front porch and remodel my kitchen and put in new hard wood floors. It’s just a dream right now but I want to start journaling about it so that someday it can come true.

18) “Stand Up For Yourself Always” – Social media can be evil and distort the meaning of a lot of things. The media is constantly polluted with lies, biased political views, and ignorant things about the world. These outlets can destroy, mislead, break apart, and draw negative attention to the truth. I know what I believe in. I will always stand up for what I believe in: Almighty God.

19) Smile – I simply just want to smile more.

20) Playground – I want to invest in buying and building a small playground for our kids at the family cabin.

21) Wake Up to Your Dream – This is what I look forward to by December 31st, 2019.

22) All Trial, No Error – This is to remind myself that just because I tried something and it didn’t work out doesn’t mean that I suck or that it’s time to give up. It just means that I have to keep trying harder and better. The end results will be worth it.

23) Bye-Bye Fake News – This one sort of ties in with “Stand Up For Yourself Always.” (#18) I put the Bible verse, Romans 12:2, next to this to remind myself that I should not conform to this world and be transformed by renewing my mind. People can read this Bible verse and take it in different directions but for me, it means that I will not lose myself to this world. I will not allow social media or mainstream media to define who I am nor separate me from God. I will not allow it to tell me that I am unworthy, or that I need be like this, or that I need this in my life. I love interior designing but it’s just a hobby. I collect things that captivates me. I don’t buy things because my friend has it or because everyone says I need to have it. I once heard a quote that goes like this: “If you don’t watch the news then you’re uninformed. But if you watch the news, then you are misinformed.” How true is that? So, what then? The Bible is the truth.

24) Happy and Healthy – Just like that, I want to be happy and healthy.

25) Fitness Fun – Scott and I recently got a free treadmill from a friend. I’m excited about doing more walking and running. I need to drink more water and eat healthy foods and meals. I love avocado spread on toast topped with a poached egg. So yummy! Of course, I can’t eat this everyday but this is to remind myself to eat 3 small and proportioned healthy meals a day.

26) Mommy-Son Bonding Time – Evan is 5 years old already and he’s going to kindergarten this fall. I want to squeeze in as much bonding time as I can. I still pick him up and carry him on my hips, give him bubble baths, let him sleep next to me on my bed, and cuddle next to him when he’s scared. I give him kisses on both cheeks every day and tell him how much I love him. Pretty soon, he won’t like my kisses and hugs anymore so I’m soaking it in as much as I can. Love him to the moon and back.

27) Proud Of Her Body – I labeled 1st Peter 3:3-13 next to this to remind myself that I should love how I look because after all, it’s not about how I look physically. It’s about the beauty within. I’m not 20 years old and I don’t weigh 120 lbs anymore and it’s okay. I’m almost 31 years old and I weigh about 200 lbs. I have a big flabby belly with old stretch marks from two pregnancies back to back. Nonetheless, I am proud of my body. This doesn’t mean that I’m just going to let myself go and continue to gain weight and be unhealthy. It means that I will take better care of it and love it more. I want to do more self-care like pedicures, spa nights at home, facials, and etc.

This is it! This is my 2019 vision board. These are things that I want to pursue, chase, and dream about. They’re things that inspires, encourages, motivates, and excites me. I placed my vision board right above my work space at home. Every day when I’m working at home, I see it. As I’m typing right now, I can see it. I love looking at it every day because it literally reminds me of what I need to do to get there.

I also bought a cute planner last month and I absolutely love it. I look at my planner every day. I write mini goals for each month and cross it off when it has been completed. My mini goals are things like sending a hand-written card to a friend or visit my parents and cook dinner with them.

I hope you enjoyed reading my messy vision board! Take care.

[eichy815]

White Knights of the Oblong-Table

Within the last year, I vividly recall a “friendquaintance” of mine sneering, during a Facebook discussion on institutional racism:

“White men are the worst.  No, really...we’re evil.”

His tone wasn’t facetious, here.  By the way, he himself was a white male...a trend that I will expand upon, momentarily.  He was literally taking the side of shrill archetypes out there who blame white males for all of the world’s problems based on the incidental reality that corrupt decision-makers throughout the world’s history have largely been white males (white cisgender heterosexual Christian wealthy landowning males, if we want to get technical).

This social media peer of mine was the classic epitome of a “SJW” (Social Justice Warrior).  I quite loathe the negative connotation that’s come to be associated with that term, actually; social justice, at its core, is supposed to be a positive thing.  So when the buzz-phrase of “Social Justice Warrior” is uttered with a whiff of contempt (frequently by right-wingers), it paints a misleading binary portrait of those who claim to embrace social justice versus those who allegedly oppose it.

A large part of the “SJW” stereotype is due to an epidemic primarily found on the Left.  It has come to be known as “virtue-signalling.”  As described by Brian Hendrix of Halsey News, virtue-signalling is usually a verbal statement or a gesture that people make as a way to “explicitly express your moral values, which align with your particular social group, in a very conspicuous way.”  Their end goal is seemingly to prove how they are a “good” person by mocking or complaining about those who disagree with them.  In the most extreme cases, it may involve death threats.

By and large, we see these toxic sentiments directed against members of social/institutional majority groups, such as males and white people.  It can also extend to heterosexuals, monotheists, and cisgender people.  Hendrix criticizes this technique by observing:

The reason that the anti-white virtue-signalling stands as the most ridiculous to me is that, exactly 100% of the time, no exceptions, the signalers are [self-described] progressive adults, mainly white people or white-appearing, who choose not only to live in white-majority nations, but also choose to live in upscale neighborhoods that are over 95% white.  Just look at Tim Wise for the best example of this.  He’s a guy who preaches every single day about how much he hates white people, but he refuses to move away from them.  He refuses to move to a nonwhite country.  He’s happy, successful and comfortable living around all white people, in a white-majority nation, and taking advantage of the economic system white people built.  Though when it comes time to earn some street cred on social media, he spends his days bad-mouthing whites.

Hendrix’s theory is that virtue-signalers also do this as a way of being defiant, hoping to rope other people into becoming a part of their own inferiority complexes.  Now, I find his characterization of virtue-signalling to be right on the money.  But, out of fairness, we also must consider that Hendrix himself is a staunchly conservative writer who is trying to capitalize on the O’Reilly-esque trend of juxtaposing himself as a supposedly-“rational” conservative voice who presents an alternative to the bigotry of the “alt-right.”  Aside from his own ideological biases, Hendrix downplays the influence of virtue-signalling by describing them as “objectively hateful...[but] relatively harmless.”

So, notwithstanding Hendrix’s own self-promotional agenda, he’s right about how he defines virtue-signalers’ motivations.  On the other hand, I also believe he underestimates the danger that such a socio-trendy “approach” poses to our greater society.

Mark Judge of Acculturated defines virtue-signalers as people who express disgust or panic over issues without being adequately informed about the subject of their consternation.  He credits British author James Bartholomew as having coined the term...although the phenomenon itself has technically existed since the 1960s.  He contends that it’s based on rage, and it can transcend political ideology (despite the cliché of it being expressed predominantly by leftists).

Judge quotes Mr. Bartholomew, commenting on the habits of virtue-signalers:

It’s noticeable how often virtue-signalling consists of saying you hate things.  It is camouflage.  The emphasis on hate distracts from the fact you are really saying how good you are.  If you were frank and said, ‘I care about the environment more than most people do’ or ‘I care about the poor more than others,’ your vanity and self-aggrandizement would be obvious...Anger and outrage disguise your boastfulness.

Furthermore, Judge assesses that the people who choose to engage in this behavior also tend to write something off as “irrational” without explaining why.  Their embrace of “call-out culture” is based moreso on feelings rather than reason (which is ironic, since *they* are often the ones who accuse whites and/or males of having “hurt feelings”).

Bartholomew himself, the author of The Welfare of Nations, traces back his origination of the phrase to approximately October 2015.  Earlier that year, he had described its subtleness, illustrating how it’s a tactic people employ in order to convince others:

...that they are admirably non-racist, left-wing, or open-minded.  One of the crucial aspects of virtue-signalling is that it does not require actually doing anything virtuous.  It does not involve delivering lunches to elderly neighbors or staying together with a spouse for the sake of the children.  It takes no effort or sacrifice at all.

Bartholomew believes that social media helped to move the term “virtue-signalling” from the U.K.’s lexicon straight into American culture.  He claims to have coined it after reflecting upon how Victorian and Edwardian benefactors from earlier centuries had displayed far more virtue than many contemporary Labour Party members who felt their only social responsibility was to come out and vote during each election cycle.

David Shariatmadari of The Guardian analyzes the psychology of virtue-signalers similarly to how Bartholomew does, by asserting that they are:

...making a statement because you reckon it will garner approval, rather than because you actually believe it.  It’s a form of vanity, all the worse because it’s dressed up as selfless conviction.

On the other hand, Shariatmadari criticizes the broadness of Bartholomew’s definition because, as Shariatmadari sees it, sometimes the desire of people to cast themselves in a positive light is, in fact, due to one being genuine or true to themselves.   Shariatmadari argues that the Bartholomew-coined phrase has become “a lazy put-down,” and, in some cases, “smug posturing from a position of self-appointed authority.”

The Odyssey’s Lucia Bevilacqua is a moderate-conservative writer who recalls her own sister accusing her of virtue-signalling when Bevilacqua declined to laugh at her sister’s sexist joke.  But then, Bevilacqua proves her own point when she cites the ALS ice-bucket challenge or changing one’s Internet avatar as two examples of it.  How can she be so sure that someone who dumps ice water over their head on-camera or posts a charitable image on their Twitter profile *isn’t* engaged in altruistic activities elsewhere?

Despite her mild hypocrisy, Bevilacqua is correct when she classifies virtue-signalling as something that tends to be a lazy and superficial way of making statements (although she’s pushing it when she claims that it has become “a cliché”).  Another example upon which she bases that assertion is how the Far Right has misappropriated the practice of virtue-signaling to support its own agendas, such as empty MAGA proposals.

Instead, Bevilacqua implores us, we should strive to understand why exactly people are doing this.  Their desires can range from gaining social acceptance to feeling inspiration to advancing social dialogue.  Others, she contends, are doing it as a way to promote unity or cultivate an artificial source of “family.”  Alternately, they might be just trying to get attention.

Ultimately, asserts Bevilacqua, the common link is that their gestures and actions don’t lead to any actual social or institutional change to any meaningful degree.  Therefore, she reasons, they’re not even worth mocking.

That lattermost point is where I sharply disagree with Bevilacqua’s perspective.   I contend that virtue-signalling is indeed dangerous.  When it snowballs, it only exacerbates our current divisive political climate.  It lulls people into a false sense of security that uttering snarky one-liners is somehow making a difference – rather than lobbying for legislative action.

Altif Brown, writing for the staff of the Under the Fridge blog, echoes my stance.  He specifies that virtue-signalling is different from outright hypocrisy in that virtue-signalers are practicing hypocrisy on a largely unconscious level, even though there is probably some limited self-awareness of it.   Furthermore, he says, they are being manipulative in their practice of virtue-signalling since “it is masked in benevolence without a change in action, hidden behind supremacy of thought without sacrifice, and guised in progressiveness while staying static.”

Several specific examples of virtue-signaling, which he lists:

1.)  women who rail against the objectification of other females while going out for a “ladies’ night” to ogle male strippers.

2.)  conservative activists who claim to promote “religious liberty” while also opposing tax-exempt freedoms for non-Christian denominations.

3.)  people who complain about the prison industrial complex while enjoying products that are made from free prison labor (e.g. Victoria’s Secret, Starbucks, Honda).

4.)  members of a marginalized group who proceed to marginalize other similarly-marginalized groups (e.g. LGBT people who are racists, people of color who are ageists, people with disabilities who are chauvinists, non-monotheists who are ableists, women who are theocrats).

5.)  people who lecture others about how we all should be more health-conscious while they indiscriminately order fast food items for themselves at the drive-thru.

6.)  opinion-setters who preach to their followers about “body positivity” while also complaining because others choose to share photographs of themselves on social media.

7.)  sports fans who whine about racism in athletics while continuing to frequent stadiums and purchase paraphernalia related to their favorite teams.

8.)  vegans who rail against meat-eaters while they themselves own pets or wear leather.

In the above examples, these virtue-signalling offenders most likely don’t realize how hypocritical their words are when juxtaposed with their actions.  However, if you confront them with that reality, they either resolve to be cognitively-dissonant about it...or they simply don’t care (i.e. they are willing to “make an exception” in the name of “the greater good”).  

And, of course, the offenders may also be members of advantaged majority groups. themselves.   In those cases, they’ll claim to be merely “looking out for” disenfranchised minority groups under the guise of oppressing the oppressors – or, more conveniently, oppressing random people who share cosmetic similarities with the actual oppressors.

My contempt for virtue-signalers is echoed by the Actual Anarchy podcast staff, which characterizes these offenders as:

...superficial in that they promote instant feel-good gratification over thoughtful reflection and nuanced study...a self-serving rant done to increase the signaler’s popularity within an in-group, or a deflection that protects the signaler from chastisement or punishment by peers within said group.  In these instances, it’s selfishness on display, not courage.  The desire is vanity, not virtue.

I also agree with the staff of the Black Label Logic blog, which argues that virtue-signalling is being wielded as a mechanism for using fashion or speech to identify enemies; it can be either honest or dishonest based on conflicts-of-interest between the senders and receivers of those messages.   Although it can serve as a benign way of sharing information to achieve safety, mating rituals, social status, or self-preservation...it can also be easily abused for more nefarious purposes.

Philosophically, it can be chalked up to a matter of intent (deontological) vs. outcome (consequentialist).  When someone engages in virtue-signalling, she or he links the historical oppression of/by the group to which someone belongs as being a de facto reason to add or detract from that person’s virtue (e.g. the Association Fallacy).  In other words, they construct their message solely around a person’s cosmetic traits “in order to increase their in-group status, or secure entry into a group.”

So what are the consequences of virtue-signalling?  By demonizing thoughtful dissent, it results in hyperbolic language disseminated through written propaganda, incited riots, social-shaming, shunning, fearmongering, and creating binaries.  I challenge anyone to make a case for how any of these outcomes creates a healthier dialogue that’s multicultural or prolific.

I describe these offenders as “White Knights” because, quite often, they are white people who feel guilty about their whiteness...or males who feel guilty for having a penis.  With Caucasian virtue-signalers, they feel this “White Knight” complex is necessary so they can swoop in and give a voice to people of color (i.e. the Sally Boynton Brown technique of “shut[ting] other white people down”).  With male virtue-signalers, they are trying to give a voice to females in the face of entrenched misogyny (an inflated sense of so-called “chivalry”).  

The laughable irony, here, is that these “White Knights” would otherwise claim to be open-minded and politically-progressive.  Yet, in their quest to provide a voice for members of historically-disenfranchised groups, they are creating a newly-oppressive environment  in which they suddenly get to be the ones determining who gets to have a voice and who doesn’t.

Townhall’s Michael Brown makes a very good point.  As he says, in reference to virtue-signalers:

...that doesn’t mean we need to listen to them.  To the contrary, we need to isolate them and marginalize them rather than make them mainstream.

I disagree with Michael Brown’s ancillary insistence that we should stop examining things through the lens of white privilege; when he suggests that, he clearly is missing the point behind striving for greater diversity in academia.  But, on the flip side, he absolutely nails it when he classifies them as “provocateurs who feed on discord and strife.”

And, I would add:  we should do this regardless of whether someone decides to virtue-signal from the Left or from the Right.

In an article for the Return of Kings website, David G. Brown brings up the example of recent sexual harassment allegations against Casey Affleck...which may have cost Affleck an Oscar nomination.  He points out that Casey’s own brother, Ben, has declined to join voices such as Fresh Off the Boat star Constance Wu in publicly-maligning Casey Affleck.  Given the lack of evidence from accusers Magdalena Gorka and Amanda White, this principle could also be applied to allegations outside of Hollywood and Washington D.C.

What’s even more insulting: those who base their virtue-signalling on a desire to combat white privilege and male privilege have been some of the same leftist voices squawking about how we should give Al Franken a free pass for the allegations of butt-groping he’s faced.  Here, they are hypocritically “making an exception” to give Franken the benefit of the doubt as a result of celebrity privilege.

Going back to the real-life example of my Facebook “friendquaintance” who’d bitterly basked in his admission of how “evil” a majority of his fellow white men apparently are...now that I’ve provided a guide on how to identify virtue-signalers, I encourage everybody to expose them and call them out as the narcissistic masochists whom they truly are.  Robin DiAngelo, Dave Zirin, Anne Victoria Clarke, Michael Moore, Joy Behar, Miguel Suazo, Geena Davis, Justin Timberlake, Kara Swisher, Dylan Matthews, Amber Tamblyn, Lawrence O'Donnell, Sally Kohn, Jimmy Kimmel, Meryl Streep, Charles Blow, Minnie Driver, Bill Maher...the list is endless.  We’ve got a lot of work ahead of us!