#he does this shit all the time stop it vanya youre scaring the soldiers

[sadistpet]

Vyacheslav is huffing and puffing at that flexibility

" huh - ? "

the major stands with a leg raised, hand curled all too delicately around the heel of his boot, keeping it upright with little more than the barest of touches. it was a simple manoeuvre ; his muscles and tendons were more lax than tight for the most part, a side effect of years spent at the barre and on the balance beam and gymnast's rings, enduring the pain and the aching bones and the blisters and the literal blood, sweat, and tears he often found himself. a simple leg hold was nothing more than leisure.

he looks up from the book held in his other hand, an all-too-knowing smirk inching steadily across his features. he speaks blithely. taunting.

" something wrong, comrade ? "

[phoenixes-and-wizards]

proof that diego hargreeves isn’t the hardened vigilante he thinks he is:

in his establishing character moment, he saves a mixed-race family who likely reminds him of his own, and despite the fact that he’s just single-handedly slaughtered a bunch of robbers, he takes the time to tell them “your family is safe now” in such a kind voice that they relax immediately

was so shy about dancing where people could see him that he took the time to close the living room doors before busting into the sickest dance moves you wouldn’t expect from somebody like him

when five’s portal appears, he shoves vanya behind him despite having told her earlier that she has no right coming back to the house after publishing Extra Ordinary

repeatedly guided their mother about during the funeral because grace was noticeably loopier than usual

after his fight with luther, he immediately goes to her, ushers her inside with a kind hand on her back, and opens the door for her like a perfect gentleman

despite the fact that he'd just told klaus he wouldn’t drive him anywhere, diego still waited for him, and was even smiling when klaus finally arrived and started talking about diarrhetic hippos

has outright said that his job is “saving lives, baby”

was nice to agnes, even when he could’ve just forced information out of her

repeatedly teased patch about liking his leather suit and domino mask

was friendly enough with the other policemen that even though he’d almost ruined an investigation by being too nosy for his own good, they still greet him brightly and are actually on a first-name basis with him

told patch that he does give a shit, not just about fighting crime, but also about her

went to her porch specifically after grace’s death, either because he wanted to guard her or because it was the only place he felt safe in that moment

actually jumped on hazel’s back to beat the shit out of him even better because he was choking allison

is the biggest momma’s boy on the planet oh my gosh i cannot stress this point enough and was so protective of her because she was the only one who showed him love and affection growing up

has a habit of getting mad when he’s worried about people (e.g. when vanya gets hurt, or seeing patch’s dead body)

was the only one--i repeat, the only one out of five other people--to notice that klaus was acting out of character and took the time to listen to his woes

cue a bonding moment because the both of them have lost so much in the span of a few days (“well, you’re luckier than most. when you lose someone, at least you can ... see them whenever you want”)

was polite to the soldiers at the veterans' bar because despite the fact that they were being rude, they were still heroes at one point in time and diego clearly respects that

didn’t say a single bad thing about the fact that his brother liked men; only agreeing that he was a pretty special person indeed to love someone like klaus

helped his brother get sober when no one else would

immediately offered to give allison blood, even though we all know just how scared he is of needles

was furious that luther locked vanya up, and it took luther shoving him away a few times from the handle before he gave up

watched his baby sister perform with so much wonder on his face, and was genuinely sorry that there was no other way to stop her

decides to honor patch’s memory by not killing cha-cha

lands in the past and what’s the first thing he does? save an innocent woman from getting mugged ugh idk where reggie ever got the idea that this boy was weak, the heroics run so strongly through his veins

was nothing but kind and understanding with lila because she's a survivor like him, and despite the fact that he’s got something of a hair trigger temper, he takes the time to explain simple things to her (”like yogurt”) and gives her a promise he takes careful measures to keep

was genuinely enjoying himself while dancing with lila, even though she was leading, and honestly that’s the most i’ve seen him smile throughout the series but i’m not even complaining

makes star wars references

WAS THE ONLY SIBLING WHO TOOK THE TIME TO GIVE ELLIOTT’S BODY A DECENT GRAVE BECAUSE HE WAS “ONE OF US”

is the pioneering member of Team Zero™️

was so genuinely happy to hear that ben was possessing klaus that his whole face lit up, and kept clutching him close because finally, after almost two decades of blaming himself for his brother’s death, it’s pretty clear that ben doesn’t have any grudges against him and doesn’t hold any of them accountable for letting him die on the mission

shares exactly one (1) braincell with Luther all throughout S2

forgave his sister as soon as she apologized because that was really all he needed

“you will be dead by midnight ... wrong number, have a lovely day”

“i almost had her, why the hell did you stop me?” “because ... i love her”

didn’t just use herb, and actually took the time to create a friendship + the coolest secret handshake ever with him, which is such a refreshing change from the stereotype in most media where the protagonists simply use side characters to further their goals, then discard them later on

was genuinely touched that klaus thought he looked like antonio banderas

was literally digging his knives into the FBI department floor, just to get to his baby sister and calm her down. CALM HER DOWN, not knock her out or kill her like before, because even though he doesn’t admit it outright, he’s grown fond of her, and it shows in the way he lets her lean against him on the porch

upon getting out from under a tractor that had been pinning his leg in place, what’s the first thing he does? “ALRIGHT TEAM ZERO” *awkward fist bump-high five with luther* i mean come on the levels of dork are just too much

is, in general, such a good and loving person, and that in itself is already a big thing because if you think about it, hargreeves’ training from hell would’ve turned anybody else into somebody as cruel and sadistic as him, but diego still managed to become the exact opposite of that because sure, he can be a little too cynical and snarky sometimes, but his heart has always been in the right place, and that's why we all love him

[in-tua-deep]

What are your thoughts on Vanya’s book? I’m torn between knowing it was an empowering thing for her and being like damn girl, you were all abused, not cool putting that out there without their consent. The lines I’ve seen from it were about how Vanya’s siblings treated her but I don’t see how she can talk about their childhood without the abuse coming up. Do you think Vanya would have to apologize for the book as part of improving the siblings relationships?

I think that Vanya’s book was very important for her to write - for herself. I don’t think she should have published it without the consent of her siblings, because Vanya does not exist in a vacuum. If you think Allison was not absolutely grilled over the contents of that book in interviews and it didn’t continuously pop up in her world you’re wrong. And anyone who both knew the other siblings and read the book might make comments or ask questions or make assumptions. Vanya wrote an entire book about how terribly she was treated and then pointed the finger at her siblings.

Because the issue is this: Vanya was abused. Horrifically and terribly abused and neglected. She was drugged for the majority of her life against her consent, frequently emotionally abused and belittled, and isolated from the rest of her siblings. She has a right to be angry. BUT. That does not erase the fact that her siblings were all also abused and victims. And Vanya was so wrapped up in her own pain she couldn’t really see that. 

Of course, the reverse is also true. The others were all wrapped up in their own trauma to the extent that they never considered Vanya’s point of view or the ways that Vanya was being abused.

But imagine for a moment that you father raises you as a child soldier. You and all your siblings except one. While you’re running drills and learning to fight and gathering bruises and the only time you’re allowed to yourself is half an hour during the weekend - the life of the one sibling who is allowed to pursue her own passions (violin) and is generally ignored by your drill sergeant father seems to have it pretty darn good wouldn’t you think? You’d give your left leg to be invisible or not be forced to do the training. You’d give your left leg to have her freedom.

And then she publishes an entire book painting you the bad guy because, what, you didn’t include her in your half an hour of freetime? You had better things to do trying to survive your father’s regime than take a few to play happy family with her? You look at this book and ignore all the emotional abuse and gaslighting that she’s highlighting because you think she had it easy, and she’s saying in here that she was jealous of the attention your father gave you. Jealous. As if gaining your dad’s attention was ever a good thing. 

She spills a whole bunch of family secrets. Discusses your brother’s death, something you find very private (maybe you even witnessed it and she didn’t), with the entire world. She drags up all the shitty things you did as a child. A child raised in an emotionally and honestly probably physically abusive household from which your only adult human role model was your asshole father. He built you a robotic mother who obeys his orders and parrots his words. The only other person is a chimpanzee who also only ever seems to regurgitate Reginald’s ideas and always defended him even though he was hurting you. Abusing you.

Vanya deserved to write down those thoughts and discuss them. With a therapist. Or friends. Or anonymously!  Maybe a blog and give everyone pseudonyms and work through it that way. Because like it or not, her siblings did hurt her. They probably gaslit her about how bad things were, blowing her off because clearly her life wasn’t that bad. And they’d probably roll their eyes and call her lucky that she wasn’t included in training anyway. And Vanya would have to grit her teeth and smile and agree because it’s six against one.

Vanya was abused. But that doesn’t mean her siblings weren’t equally abused. Honestly I bet if Vanya had called up Diego and was like “hey I’m writing a whole book about how much growing up with old Reggie fucking sucked, thinking about publishing, wanna help?” Diego would be the first one on board like “HELL YEAH let’s ruin dad’s whole career I have like, seven stories about child endangerment off the top of my head let’s go”

the book we deserved to have was a collab by the whole family offering different points of views and discussing the trauma their siblings didn’t get to see - like private training. 

So what I’m saying is that Vanya does write a sequel to her book. Except this time it’s with everyone sharing. That’s the apology. The opportunity to set the record straight with what they’re comfortable sharing with the world. 

Luther can talk about never feeling good enough, can talk about his isolation at the top of the pyramid and his relationship with Allison who was also there. He can talk about impossible standards and his father never using his name. Strained muscles and terrible testing. The nonconsensual body modification and the isolation on the moon. The realization that four years of his life had been wasted because his dad never even bothered to read the reports - he didn’t even care enough to try. He can talk about the fact that he was so raised up as a child that he feels like a failure at everything he does now. 

Allison can talk about her father forcing her to rumor her sister when they were both four years old. She can talk about the training, having to rumor her siblings and then later the random people Reginald would bring to her. Delivery men and door to door salesmen and girlscouts who were always rumored to forget after. (And then the homeless people, the people no one would miss. The ones who weren’t rumored to forget after because they didn’t go home. She doesn’t write about them though). She can talk about rumoring her way through life and never learning how to get anything without forcing people to give it to her. Constantly on the offensive. The way that’s impacted her career, her relationships.

Diego can talk about never being good enough. His stutter that Reginald had no patience with. The training, being forced to throw knives at the one person in the world he really truly cares about as she smiles at him with her plastic smile. Trying desperately to keep Klaus from drowning under the weight of Reginald’s expectations when he was barely treading water himself after Ben’s death. Leaving the first chance he did and never looking back. The way he still tried to prove himself by joining the police academy, and when he failed at that by becoming a vigilante. 

Klaus can talk about his father throwing him in a fucking mausoleum. Being scared of the dark and claustrophobic. The ghosts he sees screaming behind his eyelids and sometimes even when his eyes are open. The one escape that he found being looked down on by everyone around him when he was only doing his very best to survive because the sad truth is that he could not live that way. Not how it was. He can talk about Ben showing up after his death, and nobody believing him. Being homeless. Living on the streets with no one but a ghostly follower for company. Every moment of sobriety in that house was one of fear - and Klaus is just so very tired of being afraid. (Maybe he can bring himself to talk about Dave, the one person that made him feel safe and protected and loved and how he lost him. Maybe he can’t.)

Ben can talk through Klaus about his own life. He was forced to kill people against his will with a power he couldn’t really control and that he was afraid of. He ended missions covered in blood that he never wanted to shed. Then his death which was reportedly very bad. Then showing up again and only being able to talk to Klaus. Not being able to hug him or stop him or intervene - forced to become a spectator to his brother overdosing over and over again. Loving him but being so angry that he’s squandering the chances Ben wishes he could once again have. 

Five can talk about growing up pushing the boundaries and the way the others only seemed to notice when Reginald praised him and never when he was punished. And he was punished. Reginald tried over and over again to get Number Five to come to heel and never quite succeeded. Every point Five gained in his own personal score was gained through blood and bruises and willpower. There’s all that to talk about, and then there’s the time travel and forty years of isolation and Dolores and becoming an assassin and his plethora of issues regarding that he doesn’t even need to get into to make a whole book of his own. Coming back and seeing that cold portrait sitting on the mantle and knowing that Reginald used his presumed death in order to further control his siblings. 

And they write it together, sitting in the living room and contradicting each other’s memories of events (”No, Dad caught us because you tripped on the table!” “Nuh uh! It was because Klaus was whispering too loudly!” “Actually guys looking back I’m pretty sure Dad just checked the cameras and noticed us leaving.”) and maybe they don’t publish it! They don’t have to! Or maybe they do, taking out all the bits about, you know, murder and all of that sorry Ben they could probably just downgrade the language to ‘hurting a lot of people’ though I mean. He’s dead it’s not like they can charge him with excessive use of force at this point. 

And it’s a bonding experience. And they all come out of it better understanding that they were all traumatized and abused and groomed and gaslighted and neglected and just overall their childhoods were shit. Five will defend Vanya’s book with his fucking life and probably is instrumental in making the others see that just because her abuse looked different doesn’t make it less valid. And he’s also instrumental in making Vanya see that just because the others abuse looked different doesn’t make it any less valid, either. 

Do yeah, have enough material for a sequel? There’s enough material for a fucking series. 

Honestly though genuinely do you know what I think would have been a way better and more empowering move on Vanya’s part? Writing a fiction novel about an ordinary child in a world of magic and superpowers who saves the world. Writing about her own life through the lens of fiction. Basing her characters on real people, yeah, but not writing a tell all book about people whose lives it would very much still affect. Plus, I bet the others would actually read the book at least and recognize it. 

I mean, if they read an entire book about a character who was excluded and belittled and ignored and told she wasn’t worth anything because she wasn’t special in the context of this fictional world, I think they would sympathize. And then if Vanya told them hey, actually this is me projecting and I really did feel this way a lot then it might go over a sight better than hey I’m writing about our childhoods and all your friends are going to read about it

and honestly?? I think that’s a story that needs to be told to other little girls as well. Maybe they aren’t literally being told they’re ordinary because they don’t have superpowers, but there’s a lot of girls who are told they aren’t special and can’t do things and having an ordinary character save the world is an important and inspiring narrative. And it might help Vanya get some closure, because she gets to come up with an end to the story. Wish fulfillment. She gets to write about an ordinary little girl who saved the world. Or maybe she didn’t save the world. Maybe she saved her piece of the world and left the rest up to the people with powers. Small acts of kindness that change everything, for some people.

(and it would reach more people than whoever reads autobiographies and memoirs)

I have a lot of feelings about the book as you can probably tell lmao

I just think the book could have been handled better on Vanya’s part. But I also think she had a right to write it because she had a LOT of stuff to work through. Honestly I think the book originally began from an exercise her therapist gave her and took on a life of its own until it reached the publisher. But like I said, she doesn’t exist in a vacuum and her actions have effects on other people - specifically her family. 

Granted, it’s not like I’ve read the book in its entirety and can’t judge it because of that. But the others had a right to their privacy and I don’t blame them for feeling angry and betrayed because of that invasion of privacy I mean damn. And I doubt Vanya put any of the good stuff in there really, mostly bad. Because that’s how she was feeling.

(If I wrote a book about my childhood with my brother - I could talk about how he sold our joint runescape account without consultation despite all the hours I put in. I could talk about him chasing me through the house or eating my chocolate that I was saving. I could talk about some of his shitty views and his self-isolation, how he would call me stupid and never let me play with him. When he purposefully ditched me in Mini-Amsterdam when I was six and I had to find someone to call my mum for me. Maybe the time he left me on the school bus when I fell asleep next to him. When he pushed me into a bank of nettles, ouch. Or I could talk about how when my balloon popped when I was seven, he gave me his balloon. Or the time he won me a toy starfish on a crane machine. Or when he took me to school after my surgery so I could pick up my homework and when I went back before I was ready he was the one to pick me up again. Or the time when my sister and her friend were being horrible and he let me hang out with him and his friend in their secret base even though he usually didn’t give me the time of day.)

At the end of the day, you can frame people any way you want, and Vanya was going for the bad stuff. Because she was hurting. And she hurt them. And she needs to acknowledge that, so yeah I do think she needs to apologize for writing the book without asking or consulting in order to improve their relationship. I think the others need to apologize to her as well for what little shits they were as kids, because their own abuse is a reason but it doesn’t excuse what they did, either. Vanya was abused and they hurt her and they need to apologize for that. But that didn’t give Vanya the right to hurt them back, so she has to apologize as well if that makes sense??

I dunno this ended up longer than I thought it would oof but I hope it answers your question!!

[nancywheelxr]

Could you do something where the The Umbrella Academy siblings get sad whenever they hear Diego stuttering because his stuttering is a result of something that Reginald did and they feel guilty that he has a constant reminder of his terrible childhood

Hey, there! I hope you like it, anon!

Diego notices something is wrong because of course he notices something is wrong. His siblings have never been good at being discreet, not once in their lives, and this time isn’t any different.

They think they’re being sneaky when they trade those awful, annoying, ridiculous looks filled with pity and guilt. It’s so easy to make them as a whole feel collectively guilty, it’s ridiculous. But this time Diego hates it fiercely with everything he has, because those looks are about him and being pitied is the last thing he wants.

Especially when he’s not even sure why they’re feeling guilty. They might be guilty of a lot of shit, both as a family and individually, but his stutter isn’t one of them.

And every heavy silence, every shared sad look, every polite averting of eyes– it grates on him and it’s driving him up the wall.

Which is why, when he stumbles over a word and everyone falls silent on the dinner table, exchanging a weird ass look among them, Diego snaps.

“Alright,” he says, slamming his glass down loudly. He would have preferred a knife, but he refuses to indulge in the dramatics. You see, Diego is clearly the least dramatic of them all. “You are going to tell me what’s going on now.”

Silence hangs again over the table, heavy enough that it seems to physically crush Luther into shrinking on his seat. He thinks the responsibility of spitting out whatever bullshit this is about is going to fall to him, and look, Diego could give him a break and break it to him that no one is stupid enough to expect him to be able to placate Diego about anything, but why would he pass up an opportunity to make Luther sweat?

“So? Anyone wants to start?”

Klaus clears his throat, his eyes glancing quickly to the empty seat beside him, but Allison lets him off the hook with a subtle wave of her hand. “Diego,” she starts slowly, clearly choosing her words carefully. “There’s nothing happening, really.”

“Bullshit,” he cuts her off, pointing with a knife at Five sitting beside her, “next.”

“Oh, I’m not in the middle of this,” Five replies, still calmly eating dinner, even though Diego had absolutely seen him sharing the look with Allison.

“Well, you see,” Klaus starts when no one else volunteers. It’s proof of how dire their situation is, but it’s not like anyone is going to ask Vanya to intervene. “You know how we’re all moving past the truly terrible, awful things dear ol’ dad put us through? Right, so. We have been thinking, a lot, about this, you know, like healthy adults coping with our bullshit, and it has come to our attention that your stutter is not something that will ever completely go away– not that there’s anything wrong with that! That’s not what we’re saying, that’s like, the opposite of what we’re trying to say, I think, but–”

“What Klaus means,” Luther intervenes, talking over him and earning a hard glare from Allison, but it’s too late now for him to back down. He soldiers on. “Is that what dad did was unforgivable, and the fact that you’re stuck with the reminder of that is very unfair. And that we’re sorry. For that.”

Diego blinks, processing the words over on his mind. They’re sorry. Because dad was an abusive asshole. And the stutter. He’s not sure if he’s more offended that they talked about this behind his back, that they would think he’s still some scared kid that is still learning how to stand up for himself, or that they’re sorry for him over something that Diego learned to live with so long ago and overcame on his own pace.

He has no use for their pity, he’s not an invalid, and he sure as hell don’t need their sorrys, alright?

“What we’re trying to say,” Vanya says quietly, but everyone still pauses to listen. Who said they don’t learn from their mistakes? “Really, is that your situation sucks, but we’re here if you ever need anything.”

There’s always something so sincere about Vanya that is impossible to doubt her words. Diego fully believes that she means it, and that, especially coming from her, sounds less like pity and more like an opportunity to bitch about their issues with their father.

Vanya might be awkward, and she might say Diego doesn’t know when to stop, but looking at the earnest looks on his sibling’s faces, Diego sighs, deflating his anger like a bursting balloon. He wants to be mad at them, but he figures this is just their own uncomfortable way of saying they care.

“Look,” he tells them, trying to keep his voice down and steady, and his fingers grip the cutlery with white knuckles. “I don’t need you to be sorry, okay? Thank you for the concern, but I’m fine and surprisingly, for once, none of this is your fault. So, again, thanks, but the next time I catch someone being weird about it, that someone is going to lose a finger.”

A full minute passes before Five finally shrugs, taking a sip from his glass of what Diego hopes is just Coke. “I told you he’d be pissed.”

“When is Diego not pissed?” snorts Klaus.

“Brooding is not anger, I guess,” Vanya suggests.

“And he does brood a lot,” Allison joins, but she winks at Diego, so he figures he should thank her later for helping steer the conversation away, even if this is turning into a make fun of Diego night. It’s still better than before, he supposes. “Remember that time–”

She goes on retelling some story from their childhood that he kind of remembers, and everyone eventually joins, adding things that he definitely does not remember, and by the time Mom comes back with dessert, the previous subject is long forgotten, although he hopes his warning sticks, because he absolutely means it.

[in-tua-deep]

I would love to see Delores punch the Handler! Your ideas for the pride and prejudice AU are inspired! What role would the rest of the family play in this story? I just love your blog so much!

oh i am very down to detail out this au and make it one big post

SO you have Eudora Patch playing the role of our lovely Elizabeth Bennet, and Diego playing the role of Mr. Darcy, protective idiot who puts his foot in his mouth frequently. Eudora’s parents died when she was little and she was raised by her godparents alongside Dave and Dolores, who she considers her siblings - but Dave is her best friend in the world

Dave is kind of ridiculous and more than a little gay and he’s a soldier home on leave, and when Netherfield is occupied and he goes to the ball he falls head over heels for the biggest dumbass in the known universe, Klaus. So Dave is Jane Bennet and Klaus gets to be Mr. Bingley!!

Then Mr. Bingley has two sister and a brother-in-law in the book so that’s just going to be Allison, Vanya, and Luther hanging around. Allison takes Diego’s side after the absolute disaster that was Vanya falling for Leonard (ew) and agrees to help convince Klaus to leave Netherfield with Diego, so she’s taking the role of Caroline Bingley except less bitchy

So the reason the kids have all returned to Netherfield is because their father just died and they’re dividing up the estate etc. etc. and the reason Ben isn’t there is because he’s up in London dealing with the financial stuff because let’s be real there are two (2) people in the family who have the head for finances and one of them is thirteen (and also I needed a reason for Ben to not be there for the falling in love part because he would yeet Diego and Allison’s attitudes out the window)

and then there’s Five who still lives at Netherfield and is best friends with Dolores but they’re secret friends, or at least they were because now the old man is dead he can associate with whoever the fuck he wants wheyy BUT some of the debate over inheritance is also about who gets custody of Five

which is a long way of saying that Five has a vested interest in trying to get at least one of his siblings to stay in Netherfield so he can continue being bros with Dolores and doing whatever he wants because he doesn’t want to have to move

Dolores?? Sort of gets the younger Bennet sisters roles? Sort of Lydia Bennet because she does run away briefly but YEAH she’s Dave’s little sister and is mute and Five is her best friend and she taught him sign language but honestly half the time it’s like they’re reading one another’s minds anyway?? 

They met when they were younger and Five ran away and Dolores found him and was like ?? well okay and proceeded to smuggle him food and hide him in the shed for a day and a half before he ended up going back because he did miss his siblings but the two decided they had bonded and Five frequently secretly exited the manor to meet up with her and play

Dave knows that Five exists abstractly but just knows him as some kid in town that Dolores plays with so he does not put two and two together until later shenanigans when he realizes his little sister’s best friend is the love of his life’s little brother who can pull some strings

anyway

so Wickham’s role goes to the Handler who ?? tried to kidnap Five or something when he was younger? Or rather, she convinced Five that he wanted to go with her because she pretended to be his friend and Five ended up escaping, which was actually the whole ‘running away’ thing where he met Dolores (except he never told Dolores because that Handler highkey scares him and he’s actually kind of ashamed the Handler tricked him to begin with)

so yes obviously someone the whole family despises but is very manipulative and probably weaves some tragedy for Patch to sympathize with and when Diego sees them associating he’s even ruder to her and there’s that whole misunderstanding going on

So Patch is happy for Dave, who is in love, and then Klaus ends up being convinced to go to London to chill with Ben who is his favourite brother because Diego Doesn’t Trust Like That and Patch gets super pissed off about it because Dave is heartbroken and mooning around sadly and being depressed and how DARE Diego do this to her best friend/brother?? absolute fucker

meanwhile Diego is wrestling with his attraction to Patch and making every single wrong step in the book

Five and Dolores plot in the background and are up to shenanigans which involve trying to set their idiot siblings up in situations where they are forced to interact (Dolores is actually invested while Five is sort of just throwing Dave and Patch at his siblings to see what sticks because he really doesn’t want to have to leave Netherfield and Dolores) while Dolores ALSO tries to figure out The Mystery of The Handler because Five goes super pale when he sees her in town but won’t tell her why and no Patch she doesn’t care that you think the Handler is actually good there’s something weird going on here and she’s going to find it out

I’m not usually one for human Dolores aus but I’m delighted by the idea of this child who loves her pretty dresses and things that glitter but who also learned how to sew just so she could add pockets to all of her pretty dresses so she could put things like frogs in them for when she wants to Do Crime with her bestie. Dolores is 80% of the brains behind the operation while Five is 70% the ‘sneaky little shit who can get into just about anywhere’ part. He was probably the one who taught her how to pick a lock. And no, Dave does not know that Five is teaching his baby sister Crime Skills.

but yes Allison is probably still married to Patrick in this au and is kind of angry/irritated because they fight quite a bit which is probably why she was willing to project some of those bad feelings on Klaus and Dave as well

what even other character are there in Pride and Prejudice idk

Grace exists but she’s the kids stepmother or something and for whatever reason she isn’t actually a part of the inheritance?? She’s just sort of in the background waltzing around fussing over her kids and also reminding Diego to be nicer and is probably the catalyst of Diego realizing what an utter shit he’s been after Patch’s big old “Fuck you I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last man on the face of the planet and also fuck you again for good measure” speech

Vanya just really wants to be able to play cards in peace and stop being dragged into whatever the fuck is going on now but she 100% takes Klaus’s side when everything is dragged up and is like “C’mon guys for real just let Klaus go back to Netherfield and see what happens, Dave seems really nice. And also fuck you for comparing every person we want to date to my shitty ex, like, we GET it, I made some questionable choices.”

Luther is doing his level best to ignore the family drama going on and actually try and do what they came for which is, you know, dividing up the estate and figuring out custody and etc. etc. but every time he brings things up his siblings blow him off because they’re all too focused on their personal lives and drama and the love stories unfolding and Luther is suffering because it’s like herding cats but somehow worse

Dolores finds out about the Handler and decides she’s ready to throw down and runs off to pick a goddamn fight because how fucking DARE and Patch doesn’t know where she IS and her and Dave are STRESSED and Diego hears about it and ends up going and fetching this child and bringing her back which makes Patch respect him or something idk

but at the end, Dave and Klaus get together and they’re cute as FUCK. Patch and Diego get together and their terrible childish rivalry evolves into a terrible childish romance which evolves into what is sure to become a terrible childish marriage. Allison and Patrick actually speak to each other and sort out some of their issues. Ben comes back into this clusterfuck of a situation like that one pizza fire gif and ends up sorting everyone out while nursing a migraine. Vanya gets some god damn peace and quiet. Luther finally manages to sort out the estates. Dolores and Five get matching best friend necklaces or something because they’re kids and high five the fuck out of one another at the wedding because hell yeah all their plans worked (even though like 90% of their plans backfired, accomplished nothing, or were just hilarious but not actually successful)

and yeah that’s the pride and prejudice au