#he can rmb things from years ago but that just makes him have a good memory...sometimes

[yumeurl]

oh yeah i finished ootp recently and i never wanna see posts about harry being wizard sherlock again MFKDNMFMFNF

[potteresque-ire]

This post is Part 4 of the five-part meta series on the Zhang Zhehan (張哲瀚) Incident, based on what has transpired up to 2021/08/22.

1) The 2nd Sino-Japanese War (1937-45) & the Yasukuni Shrine 2) Post-War Sino-Japanese Relations; “Every Chinese should visit the Yasukuni Shrine” 3) The Summer of 2021: The Brewing Storms for One 4) My Thoughts on Zhang’s Incident, Part A 5) My Thoughts on Zhang’s Incident, Part B

4) My Thoughts on Zhang’s Incident, Part A

Now, I’m finally going to dive into Zhang Zhehan’s incident. They’re, of course, my personal opinions, based on what’s known until 2021/08/22, and I’m talking about them not as a turtle, not as a Gg or Dd fan, not as a fan at all—but as … me. A Hong Konger, half-way American, and representative of neither.

I should start with a confession.

While, in the parts before, I wrote as if there were signs enough that I could see this coming, that I could see Zhang being handed the severe punishment that he had… I actually didn’t. I thought it would stop at People’s Daily critique of Zhang’s apology letter posted on August 13th, and Zhang would lose his endorsements, be forced to lay low for a while. I didn’t expect the all-out invisibility campaign the would happen, including the removal of his already-aired, groups projects such as Word of Honour (WoH 山河令).

Do I feel Zhang made a mistake? Absolutely. I agree with his self-assessment in his apology letter that he had been ignorant and careless. I’d add this as well: he had likely suffered from a certain degree of arrogance. When previously asked by his fans to remove from his Weibo a photo he took of a car painted in a manner reminiscent of WWII Japanese War Planes (and with a Rising Sun flag), that should’ve been a reminder, a warning enough for him to refrain from posting similar materials online. Being politically insensitive as a public figure in China is dangerous, and often costly. And one has to be really, really, insensitive politically, and very, very out of the news cycle, to be unaware of the tension in Sino-Japanese relations in the past decade, with the Yasukuni Shrine being at the epicentre of that tension.

A photo posted on Weibo by Zhang, later deleted at fans’ request and re-surfaced online during this incident (Left). The Nakajima Ki-84 fighter jet, used by the Imperial Japanese Army 1943-45 (Right). (Source)

But ignorance, carelessness and even arrogance are not crimes. These are corrigible traits; late 20’s may be not-so-young for an idol, but Zhang was young when he visited the shrine and took the photos in 2018. He’s still young now, having just reached 30, with lots of years to grow. 

From a practical standpoint, I also fail to see Zhang’s behaviour as causing more actual harm to anyone than as the Global Times Network (GTN) piece.

Zhang’s photos had never been widely circulated before the incident. The location at which they had been taken was also not obvious to those who haven’t investigated, or haven’t visited the Yasukuni Shrine. In contrast, the large quantity of photos in the GTN piece, their portrayal of the shrine’s right wing visitors, can arguably be said to be more visually offensive, if visual offensiveness is sufficient to be hurtful, if The Reporter of the GTN piece had, indeed, had his heart sunk just by the sight of the sakuras on the shrine grounds planted by the descendants and friends of those enshrined (reminder: overwhelmingly not war criminals), as he had described in the article. 

To put it in Chinese state media lingo, the GTN piece could arguably be said to have done more to 冒犯國人情感 (“offend the feelings of the country’s people”) (from People’s Daily critique piece against Zhang) and 輕佻地傷害中國人民的情感 (“flippantly hurt the feelings of the Chinese people) (from 中纪委 Central Commission for Discipline Inspection’s critique piece) than Zhang’s photos.

A thing to mention, perhaps: the phrase “hurting the feelings of Chinese people” (and its close cousins) has somewhat of a ... celebrity status among Chinese politics watchers, with ample articles and statistics dedicated to it for the sheer number of times it has appeared in China’s foreign policy materials, as well as the multi-purposeness of its application. Another example of “hurting the feelings of Chinese people”: an English Mercedes-Benz ad, posted on Instagram (a blocked site in China), featuring a quote by Dalai Lama. The phrase has become a bit of a joke in anti-CCP communities, not because the feelings of Chinese people aren’t legitimate or important, but because a regime that doesn’t allow voting, that suppresses the freedoms of speech and press, is hardly an expert on the feelings of its people.

An entertaining infographic about China’s “hurt national feelings” (high-res version). Japan has consistently ranked 1st in the number of times it has hurt China’s national feelings (upper right corner).  

And, speaking of “flippant”, I find flippant perfectly described the tone of the GTN piece, which I, as a reader of Chinese descent, was perhaps even more embarrassed by than the fact that The Reporter visited the shrine. The Reporter admitted he already had a “fight-picking heart”, had chosen to act confrontationally; the article he’d write later reflected that, was filled to the brim with bravado. However, as I mentioned before, he never did what would’ve mattered if he had elected to fight, made the cause of his troublemaking clear—he had said nothing about the war criminals, or the revisionist material in the museum. Statements of protests needn’t be physical or violent; they simply had to be communicated, and to the right audience—which doesn’t include his translator, or the staff at the Yasukuni Shrine. 

The American tourist could’ve been a potential target; wouldn’t it be interesting to find out what they knew about this piece of history, how much they knew about the controversies surrounding the shrine? But The Reporter only told them Americans were not welcomed—a statement automatically doubtful by the presence of … an American next to him. If The Reporter’s account were true, then, to the staff, the tourist who interacted with him, The Reporter behaved just like … a passive-aggressive, very rude Chinese tourist. He had scored zero victory for his cause—if he did have a cause—during his visit.

If the defence was his fight-picking heart, no one asked Zhang if he had harboured a fight-picking heart when he had visited, taken the pictures.

That’s double-standard. That’s hypocrisy.

Personally, I would’ve left out the Yasukuni Shrine from my Tokyo itinerary — as much because of the two thousand war criminals there, and the 2 million+ not-war-criminals there who deserve respect and peace. If I’m not a descendant of those enshrined there; if I’m not worshipping; if I lack deference for the shrine and the Shinto religion it represents, then, I have no business to be at the Yasukuni Shrine. 

There are beautiful sakuras all over Tokyo.

Sakuras along Tokyo’s Meguro River (Source)

Okay. Back to Zhang. I personally believe he made mistakes. Do I feel, then, that Zhang’s punishment was appropriate, or was it too much?

As someone whose family was mostly spared from the pain and suffering caused by the acts of the Imperial Japanese Army during the 1930s and 40s, I don’t think the answers to these questions are up to me to decide. It’s inappropriate for me to decide.

But I’ll follow my answer with this question: whoever are deciding now, are they the people who should be deciding, whose lives have been truly impacted by the war? Those screaming on social media that Zhang is a traitor, a 漢奸 hanjian—a term originated from the KMT and Sino-Japanese War era to refer to persons who have illicit relationships with the enemy of, specifically, the Han Chinese ethnicity—those wanting to destroy not just Zhang’s career, but Zhang himself … do they really believe visiting, taking photos at the Yasukuni Shrine are acts enough to warrant those accusations, bearing in mind that treason is, perhaps, the most unforgivable crime in China?

Is Chairman Mao, a Han Chinese, a hanjian when he thanked the Japanese prime minister? Why not? What he said could’ve been out of pragmatism, but did he hurt the feelings of the Chinese whose family had died from Japanese military brutality during the war, of the comfort women who, at the time of the meeting, were still living in significant numbers? Why, when a post quoting Mao’s words in defence of Zhang surfaced several days ago, the vast majority of online reactions was “here goes another brain-disabled fan”, until one netizen whispered it had actually been spoken by a Great Figure, without naming, without daring to name the actual speaker of the quote?

Why have those quotes been buried in the graves of the Chinese internet?

And the netizens who went on to “dig up”, spread unsubstantiated rumours about Zhang’s being 精日 (short for 精神上的日本人 “Spiritually Japanese”), being a secret right-wing Japanese, even—were they patriots or were they cyberbullys? Were they out to defend their country, or were they out there torturing someone they didn’t like for their own enjoyment? For their own potential gains?

They called Zhang a 行走的五十萬 “Walking 500,000” — the number referring to the sum of money (500,000 RMB, ~ 77,000 USD) the Chinese government rewards someone who reports, offers tip-offs on a foreign spy. If Zhang’s family happens to be Japanese too, they said, the reward could be 500,000 * n !!

An Anti-Spy Law (反間諜法) advertisement. 12339 is the phone number and website for reporting / making tip-offs on foreign spies. (Source)

One would say, of course, that these netizens were only joking.

But are jokes jokes if they can ruin someone for good? Same goes with every one who attempted to connect whoever, whatever they didn’t like with Zhang, @ ing the state agencies on the Weibo posts to call the latter’s attention to connections, wishing for the government and the platforms to remove these whoevers, whatevers along with Zhang. 

These whoevers, whatevers have included: Zhang’s former work associates; CP supertopics; Danmei and Dangai; Dangai dramas before WoH; actors involved in Dangai dramas before WoH; supertopics of these actors; the fans of these actors; fandom in general …

(To the Anon who asked: this is how the rumour that all CP supertopics may be removed came about. So far, there are no evidences that the invisibility campaign related to Zhang is heading in that direction.)

These “soft reporting” attempts—soft, in the sense that they were reporting to the state agencies, but not using the state’s formal system—conjures a scene like this in my mind: a class of small children, all with little to no power on their own, pointing their stubby fingers to whoever they don’t like in front of who they perceive as absolute authority. “But (S)HE did this!! “ screams a child who tries to borrow the teacher’s “knife” to take down their enemies, not understanding what it’ll mean to themselves if the teacher does yield to their demand, does punish their “enemies” based on their words alone: that the child can themselves will be punished when another child points their stubby fingers at them.

Perhaps, here’s the resemblance of the scene: when absolute authority exists, critical thinking tends to go wayside, even if the capability to critically think exists—because what’s the point of thinking? The opinion of the authority is the only thing that matters in the end. Mob mentality and actions take over: mobs of not only netizens, but mobs of companies, mobs of platforms.  

And so, when it rained for Zhang, it poured.

===

The Zhang Zhehan Incident Meta Series:

PART 1  PART 2 PART 3 PART 4 <- YOU ARE HERE PART 5

[soofection]

jenkai discourse in retrospection

 (long post)

to take a slightly more light hearted break from all the updates regarding the burning sun case, I propose a discourse of jxk in retrospection after gaining all the new knowledge exposed by the media recently

dont read if you dont want to, if you read please dont come attack me for posting what I want on my own blog 🥰

In no way is what I type facts, and I am NOT comparing burning sun case with jxk (jxk is so insignificant and jxk is not a criminal case) yet I will make references to what the media and companies are capable of doing as proven by the exposure from the b. sun case regarding similar behaviours.

---

we now know that the kpop world is not what some once thought - an ideal fairytale land where idols/ the media never lie to us.

The truth:

We finally realize for sure that in korean ent. industry, sexual favours (in exchange for sponsors, promotion via media manipulation, basically fame and safety), offering prostitutes services... all in all using SEX is commonly used in return for connections / power / protection from the 'higher ups'.

why did jxk happen?

I propose: to cover yg x jni sex/sexual activities and jni has sponsors rumours (updated). After knowing yg is to a certain degree (personal assumption: large extent) involved in B.Sun and gangnam clubs, it makes sense to suspect that the jni rumour could be real. look up yg's past history, how he obtained his wife (emphasis, obtain). 12 years older yg 'fell in love' the moment he saw his wife as a second year middle school girl, recruited her at 16, ruined her career and married her. who knows how exactly yg treats his younger girl employees? Who is there to protect them?

but its just a 'groundless' rumour why was yg desperate?

to propose reasons: 1) it could be real, if so he HAS to camouflage it before it blows up further. 2) even if its not real, he didnt want to put bp's and his own name's reputation at stakes since bp is his most money earning group right now 3) if he doesnt make a deal with dispatch, who ofc are capable of digging deeper and they hate yg (proven by their ability to obtain kkt chats and exposing b.sun evidences) to supply them a fake scandal to cover ygxjni... dispatch WILL expose him. (also keep in mind jni has other sponsor rumour that might or not be true). and 4) - suggested by anon: yg could be taking precautions before b.sun scandal blows up. As we know b.sun revolves around sex crimes, Yg must get rid of the 'boss had sex with employee' label before b.sun blows up. Or else he will get dragged, it would be like adding oil on fire.

this theory is reinforced by allshitpop stating a media outlet discriminately announced 'the yg x jni rumour was false.' why purposefully mention it when no one asked?

but why ji?

main reason: hes an artist from sm. Yg desperately needed a scandal impacting enough to satisfy dispatch (releasing small unconvincing sandals will discredit dispatch's liability and reputation. ) But what to do when none of yg's male artists are popular enough to create a fuss nor any male groups's careers mature and stable enough to withstand the scandal pressure from the general public? the obvious solution is ofc to beg other big companies - sm or bighxt.

Most popular boy groups atm is still btx and ekso. honestly yg wouldve prefered btx due to their crazy fame, and jni will be their first dating scandal... the reactions would be DRAMATIC. yet in contrast to ekso, btx didnt really need to take that risk in hopes for more popularity. (rmb there would always be adverse effects when being involved in a dating scandal despite positive reactions and large no. of supporters). Also, even if btx has any scandals to cover, bighxt's recent merge with cj-enm (described as 'a powerhouse' aka very huge powerful company) means btx's any potential scandals can be taken care of for now. so that leaves ekso.

Who in ekso fits ji's image the most?

(hence will recieve 'positive' reactions and make them more aesthetically believable. without a doubt, its ji and his on going promoted sex appeal.) Reasons for ji and not other members: 1. theres no harm in giving him a beard (personal belief, ignore point 1. if you think homosexuality/kaisoo pairing isn't plausible) 2. to raise his popularity for his potential upcoming solo. 3. if someone who was involved in dating scandal before came up again, they probably predicts the pairing to be more positively recieved --> more supportors and a more hyped response from the public.

but none of that happened, the scandal was managed poorly. The paris evidence was made in a rush (dates didnt match) park pictures were too ambiguous (again dates and time didnt match), even when dispatch posted a pic of ji in a carpark supposedly came back from hawaii to give jni presents after landing - we learned from ji's own ig live that the day he wore the outfit in the photo, he had already returned to korea a few days ago, was around town shopping and went no where near the airport. Besides these failed attempts there was absolutely no other proof that jxk is real.

why was it poorly managed?

bc this is a rare collab between two big rival companies. Yg was the one begging at the start yet sm wasnt able to take full control of this scandal. Conflicts and disagreements upon makng many decisions were highly likely to occur between these two rivals.

The break up

a lot of fans were shocked when jxk broke up just after 25 days. (brand new record). what else is weird?

sm personally confirmed jxk broke up abruptly. Usually when couples break up, fan rumours start to float around first. But not this time, no rumours surfaced yet sm all of a sudden definitively stated that jxk broke up. Back then I already predicted it maybe because yg or bp got into trouble hence sm wanted to distance themselves as far as possible. I still stand by that idea.

Sm must get away from yg and b.sun case for the sake of theirs/ekso's reputation. sm def dont want to be dragged into the mess. Remember, sm as a huge company themselves def have their own dirt to hide, getting dragged means huge consequences if the investigators target them.

so why did sm agree in the first place? I assume its bc altho sm knew that yg had dirt to hide, they did not know it was something as serious, severe and big as b.sun case / tax evading case. Therefore, what are the coincidences that sm announced breakup shortly before dispatch sparked reinvestigation into b.sun by posting crucial evidences? (the first chats)

its highly possible that dispatch warned sm, (which makes them sound like the good guys but no. remember sm is dispatch's source of money and partnered with them many times. b.sun indeed aint directly related to sm, (as for now) dispatch has no reason to ruin sm) Or, sm could have found out through other sources that b.sun case will blow up soon. they quickly cut their collab with yg early, and announced break up probably without telling yg first. (since telling them possibly means giving dispatch away).

this also suggests that dispatch hates yg but anyway.

The benefits of ji

Comparing the two, jni seems to be the one who gained more from the scandal. She got most of media and the public's attention. there is an explanation for this - shes the 'rookier' one, and the trendier one out if the two since bp is still rising when ekso has reached their plateau. However, ji did gain his own lesser share of attention (indicated by the gained followers on his ig).

I have always said that when idols agree to be involved in a scandal, they are likely to get a 'reward.' but now thinking about it, agreeing to scandals is part of ji's contract, rewards are bonus but not obligations. Besides, the scandal itself supposedly helps ji gain popularity for solo and gains a beard, sm didnt NEED to give him more bonus. Often when idols get more modelling jobs / solo etc after scandals is bc sm uses the risen populairty from scandal as an opportunity to maximise profit by giving them more jobs, it might not be bc sm wants 'pamper' them.

Plan cut short

unfortunately for ji who is not getting his solo soon, the jxk plan flopped due to poor management, and was cut short due to b.sun case. The scandal did not fulfill what it was supposed to do and ended prematurely . Followed by the apparent troubles in sm negotiating contract terms with ekso, (delayed ekso schedules),chxn suddenly getting a solo, and the blowing up of b.sun case, ji might have missed his chance again. Or hes simply still preparing.

to summarize i want to clarify a few things.

- none of these are facts, but an overall picture forming one huge speculation.

- I dont try to defame bp or shame them. i also am not trying to state that girl artists def had sex with the hihgher ups. b.sun has shown us that men always have more power over women, and they rarely get protection.

- I want people to realize the dark side of kpop. The kpop industry is full of conspiracies, media manipulation and lies. What you see on tv is not who your idols are portrayed to be on camera. Don't impose your ideal vision on them and hurt others when reality suggests otherwise.

side note: this theory conveyed reinforcement to statements I've made before

- conspiracies are real and true. Look at all the dark and shady events involved in b.sun case

- media play, mass manipulation exist and are common practice.

- dispatch and sm collab and are partners on a case by case basis.

- idols lie on interviews all the time, their tv persona is different from the real them.

- companies offer protection for their idols

- it is indeed common practice to use one scandal to cover another

ANYTHING can happen in the world of the k ent industry. dont lightly dismiss any possibilities. We must analyse the sum of the situations - the full picture of any events before believing anything we are told.

[shijiujun]

History3 ep 13 summary - TUGS AT UR HEARTSTRINGS BUT it’s a good episode

I’m soooo tired but the energy has come again because of Trapped HAHAHAHA the thought of BIRTHDAY SCENE gives me strength to go on praying there is NO JAM on the live stream today we’ll see

OMG what the hell we don’t get a bed scene so the two bed scenes that the writers were talking about WE WILL GET THEM SOMETIME LATER it might be after birthday scene now that I think about it but also guys I think you’ll like this episode because the PLOT MOVES and there’s plot development thank god and we actually delve into serious stuff - the dilemma of Tang Yi as a mob boss and Shao Fei as a police officer finally comes into play here

Shao Fei runs off after Tang Yi kisses his wound (DAMN HE PRESSED HIS MOUTH TO THE WOUND FOR SO DAMN LONG?!) and asks if it still hurts and Tang Yi just laughs and says ‘he’s still too soft’ AND SHAO FEI IS LITERALLY HYPERVENTILATING IN THE TOILET THEN WE GET DOMESTIC SCENE - Tang Yi cooking in the kitchen for Shao Fei WITH AN APRON ON and Shao Fei is all: “it smells so good! is this the spicy dish we had with coke the other time?”

and wow BEST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD JUST SMILES AND GOES: “you can’t have spicy food or coke while you’re recovering”

shao fei: *pouts* “you’re so stingy, controlling this and that”

DOMESTIC HUSBANDS THEY ARE RIGHT HERE GUYS!!!!!

so they sit down and cute shao fei takes a bit of the dish and puts it on tang yi’s rice first before eating himself (i LURVE THIS) - and tang yi obviously is kind of amused and touched that shao fei did that, and as they’re about to eat that’s when tang yi broaches the topic of shao fei staying at the police station because it’s safer for him there, and obviously shao fei is all ‘WHY?!’ and demands to know a reason and i thought they were gonna start fighting but thank god they’re both soft smol bbs so they just look at each other waiting for the other person to say something, and tang yi goes: “i’ll tell you, but you must promise to stay out of it. if you can’t promise me that, i won’t tell you”

so shao fei obviously agrees and tang yi starts the flashback by saying: “do you know what it’s like to grow up in a place where no one cares about and loves you? that’s the kind of place i grew up in”

AND YES HERE WE GET TANG YI AND BOSS TANG AND HONG YE BACKSTORY (still waiting for Shao fei’s COME ON) - This entire like flashback tugged at my heartstrings guys TUGGED AT MY HEARTSTRINGS I almost cried?!!! - So young Tang Yi was adopted by adoptive parents because the mom wanted to adopt him but the mom died, so the dad was never supportive of his wife adopting tang Yi and when she died he became neglectful and abusive

We start off with young Tang Yi going home and it’s his birthday but obviously the terrible dad doesn’t notice, but Tang Yi goes to his room and eats food and is about to eat cake in front of the photo of him and his mom - the dad comes into the room and he yells at tang yi for going into his room to steal the photo of him and his mom - tang yi says that it’s not his, it’s a photo of him and his mom

and the dad goes: “she’s not your mom and i’m not your dad!”

tang yi doesn’t get why he can’t have the photo and snarks back and the dad slaps him, and says a bunch of other stupid shit, so tang yi leaves home with literally just the clothes on his back and the backpack (can’t rmb if he took the photo or not) - and this scene was truly realistic, i felt that slap and everything so kudos to the actors playing young tang yi and the dad?!

then next scene: we see a super skinny hong ye fighting with a bunch of older male teens over the bicycle they stole, and tang yi is somehow there as well, and they end up fighting with the older teens - long story short, boss tang (tang guo dong) passes by with a SUPER YOUNG LOOKING DAO YI OMG?! and they help tang yi and hong ye out - boss tang tells them to hurry and go home, and hong ye just simply says: “i don’t have a home”

boss tang stares at them for a while, and although tang yi doesn’t say a thing you can tell by his clothes and dirty face that obviously he has been on the streets for a while as well? so boss tang is all: “you guys hungry? want to eat some food?”

tang yi, the cautious, smart boy who knows that most strangers are up to no good, says no, while hong ye who really is hungry, says yes

anw in the next scene boss tang and tang yi are eating at the table alone - although tang yi isn’t eating (and boss tang mentions that hong ye has already eaten three bowls of rice), so boss tang leaves tang yi to eat by himself and give him some space while he goes check on hong ye to see whether she’s gone for a shower yet 

a year or less later, we see tang yi coming home to the house, and boss tang is cooking dinner - it looks fucking delicious btw and i haven’t eaten dinner so jfc i really wanted to reach into the screens for those golden fried mantous (buns) - anw, tang yi is holding onto a little box that is definitely a cake for his birthday and boss tang tells him that dinner is ready so he can come down after he’s put away his stuff - much later, the sky is dark and they’re eating already and BOSS TANG says there’s one more dish and then switches off all the lights, much to tang yi’s confusion

then boss tang comes out with a cake!!!! omg sweetest thing ever - after that they sit at the couch and make playdoh or clay figurines of ‘old tang’ and ‘little tang’ - it’s the cutest shit i’ve ever seen

so while tang yi is reminiscing all of this, he says: “boss tang gave me my first home, my first birthday etc. etc.” - basically boss tang gave him the home he never had, and then he says to shao fei: “but on that day four years ago, i watched him bleed to death in front of me - can you imagine in that moment i lost everything, and my life was ruined? do you think i can let the person who did this go?”

shao fei: “so that’s why you said you didn’t know anything, because you were waiting to take revenge yourself”

then: “tang yi, the best punishment for that person is to get justice under the law”

and of course tang yi insists that he will never ever give this person to the police, he WILL take revenge by his own hands - and shao fei dishes out what probably is the most realistic line in this entire damn show (and one that i think we’ve all been waiting for): “but tang yi, you know that if you take revenge on your own, as a police officer, i will have to catch you?”

and OMG THE HEARTBREAK BETWEEN THEM BOTH!!!! tang yi’s eyes are already watery and he just says: “you do what you need to do. i do what i need to do”

GOSH COULD THEY BE ANYMORE HEARTBREAKING LIKE WE BARELY JUST GOT THE HAPPY PARTS TWO EPISODES AGO?!! (and though i say that i think this episode was about time, because we really needed to move on the plot!!!!)

the next scene we get zhao zi asking online on a forum “what to do when a guy confesses to another guy” AND OMFG THIS IS HILARIOUS he gets the following responses:

“welcome to a whole new world”

“rmb to prepare some VASELINE”

#gaypanic!!!!!

LIKE WOW chinese netizens, you guys are real damn helpful?!!!! HAHAHAHHAA anw i totally died at the vaseline part and the funniest thing was zhao zi, at work, was READING THE RESPONSES OUT ALOUD like did you want the entire police station to know that jack, a well-known gangster and criminal, wants to bang you? and then yu qi who sits next to him (she’s recovered at least on the surface and moving on with her life ATTA GIRL YOU GO!!!) gives him the WHAT THE FUCK look at the things he’s saying - then zhao zi goes to shao fei and asks him the same thing, but shao fei was the one who confessed in this case, and zhao zi just shook his head and goes: “irrelevant, totally irrelevant”

then we move to tang yi’s house!!! omgggg TANG YI LOOKS DAMN FINE WITH THOSE EARRINGS AND THAT WHITE TURTLENECK i would like to thank the wardrobe in charge for picking out tang yi’s HELLA FINE CLOTHES

anw, hong ye and dao yi are there to discuss work, and she’s obviously still mad at dao yi, and tang yi then peruses some files on the project they’re on and picks a company - hong ye is like: “are you sure? they’ve only been around for 5 years”

and tang yi goes on and on about how he thinks the founder of the company is a good and capable person, and that hong ye should meet him because for work, and also secondly, because the founder actually told tang yi that he kind of liked hong ye at a party previously (so anw this founder is the guy we saw in the previews) - and then obviously dao yi is not happy about it and tells tang yi not to do that, but tang yi reminds him that: “if you keep on regretting, you’re going to miss her and you will miss this chance forever”

ah de turns up then and tells tang yi that chen wen hao has invited him for tea next week and tang yi says: “i’ll be there” - ah de tries to discourage him from gg but we all know that tang yi is doesn’t usually listen to ah de so he ignores him

the next scene: tang yi opens the box and we see the birthday hat from his first birthday with boss tang and the clay house he made when he was younger that represented the home that boss tang gave him, and he says to himself: “a year has passed again, happy birthday (to himself)”

AND YES LI ZHEN JIE AND BOSS TANG HAVE THE SAME EXACT BOX THAT THEY GAVE TO SHAO FEI AND TANG YI SO THEY ARE DEFINITELY CONNECTED AND EVERYTHING I really can’t wait to see how it all plays out!!! 

anw we’ll get all the crazy scenes like the drugging part and the knifing parts PLUS BIRTHDAY SCENE TOMORROW - everything exciting is only happening tmr so let’s all prepare for death tomorrow friends!!! i’m just glad they’re moving things along but i’ve really got no idea how they’re gonna squeeze:

1. dao yi and hong ye

2. jack and zhao zi

3. tang yi and shao fei being happy and all and omelette scene and DOMESTIC HUSBANDS 

4. slightly more backstory to reveal the incident four years ago

5. tang guo dong + li zhen storyline briefly at least

6. li zhen and shao fei relationship 

... all in the next 7 episodes, which is like about 3 hours worth of screen time, i really got no idea

i really liked this episode though! really liked that we saw young tang yi and younger boss tang!!! <3

[bufanzi]

so i missed out on yue yue’s bday vlog ;; (i’m so slow omggg i alr saw ppl making gifs from it help)

ok so ;; yue yue looks extra soft in the beginning, he says that they are recording songs so ONER might not have other activities during this period

caps : yue yue doesn’t rlly want to celebrate his birthday, he only wants to record a song for the fans, so he has to put on make up (to look good on screen)

bowen?: omg isn’t this the salt video??? did you guys watch the salt video??

omg what the heck who’s the guy with the paper bag over his head (oh apparently he’s the god mo that yy mentioned in his weibo post)

but anw let’s enjoy yue yue’s vocals~~~ (the black guitar brings back idol producer feels)

mzy : “cut! this overall feels not perfect”

caps : although yy doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday, but his dad...little brothers still prepared a surprise for him (HELP WHY DID BOWEN WRITE 爸 (dad) ???????? )

mzy : JIAYOU SON! eh no JIAYOU LAO YUE!

why is bufan so aggressive AHAHAH he’s like “make a wish~! WHY ARE U LOOKING AT ME FOR MAKE A WISH!!!!!!!!!” bufan was lowkey angry that yy just blew out the candles without making a wish

bufan is somehow very uptight on birthday traditions HAHA yue yue was like “just eat it” BUT BUFAN WAS LIKE “ JUST COME HERE AND CUT IT FIRST”

AWWWW i think they all prepared a voice msg for yy ;; (just a very very super rough trans)

mzy : “i still rmb the first time we met, you just turned 17. now in a blink of an eye, you’re 32. grateful for you for walking this path with me until today, i wish your tiger tooth will get bigger and bigger! happy birthday!”

bf : “wishing ONER’s leader a happy birthday! i wish you can become the person u wish to be ”

lc : “yue minghui, you’re going to be 30 very soon. 越活越年轻 (the longer you live, the younger you become) 越来越老 (the older you become)

even the staffs/fans also gave him a msg ;; omg one of them was so poetic idk how to even translate that omg

a guy fan gave him a msg and said he got to know yue yue bc he watched his videos with his girlfriend ahahahahah

omgggg ;; i’m tearing up his mum also recorded a msg ;; omg bowen stop with the sentimental music ahhhhh

lao yue’s mum : “son, today is your 26th birthday, i wish you a happy birthday! Very regretful that i cannot personally make the dishes that you like today, when you have time and come back, i will make those dishes to make it up for you. This year you were really busy and didn’t come home often, but grateful to bowen for letting me watch your daily life on bilibili (the site that their videos are uploaded in) anytime i want. Seeing that you have many good friends by your side, bufan lingchao yangyang, and the other good staffs in your company and so many fans that love you, i’m very happy. You must cherish this properly, cherish your friends properly. Friiendship and life is equally important, you must be like Carton from A Tale of Two Cities. Seeing how hard you work i’m very happy but you also received a lot of hardship so my heart hurts. You must smile and face everyday. There are both good things and bad things, receiving criticism and setbacks doesn’t mean anything, sunlight always follows after rain. In my heart, my son is a brave warrior and not a coward(?). I hope i can see your improvement and change everyday. From today onwards, please sort to tidy your room everyday. I’m not going to say much anymore, if not you’re going to say that i’m naggy again. Wishing you a happy birthday again, if you have time, come home and visit us”

AHHH EVEN HIS DAD ;;

dad : “hui hui happy birthday, actually your mum and I are happier than you today. 26 years ago today was the happiest day of our lives, from then on, every year today gave us beautiful memories, and this happiness was given you us by you, thank you. I hope you can become a person that understand gratefulness, and be grateful to your team. Their friendship gave you warmth and help, they also helped you fulfil your dream. Be grateful to the people that like you, they help you understand the value of love and gave you the power to continue improving. Also grateful to the people that slander you, for helping you become more resilient. Remember that other than yourself, no one can hurt you. Of course, you must also be grateful to us, your body isn’t just yours but it something that we gave you, so please be mindful of your health. Having healthy soul and a kind heart is the best reward that you can give us. Contact us more often so we get to hear news about you, talk to us if you have any problems, sometimes we might give you conflicting opinions and views, but the decision is yours to make. We will always support you because we believe in you.”

awwww yy got more than one cake!!! :”) and also mzy removed the head from the figurine omg help & LING CHAO ATE AWAY THE HAIR AND THEN HE PUT IT BACK omg “yue yue this will be you after 30″  omg they made him become bald

[dailytohsaka]

This blog has been on hiatus because I’m trying not to be homeless.

I live in Poland. I have been working as an ESL teacher here, which has to have been the biggest mistake I could have made. As a Catholic country that suffered a lot during WWII, there are way too many holidays that are either religious or a memorial of some kind. Most of my students frequently cancelled lessons around these holidays to go travelling and during the summer they were pretty much absent.

That’s almost two months of barely having five lessons a week, which is not enough money to survive.

I’m married to a Polish man, and my husband was a graduate student who couldn’t work and it was a disastrous situation financially. I had no idea that Poland had this many holidays, and my husband didn’t know I wouldn’t be paid national holidays here as a foreigner.  When my husband graduated with his master’s degree in economics, his university guaranteed him a job based on his education. That was a lie. (I’m sure many of you are familiar with such situations.) Any work he found in the meantime was just not paying enough to help me provide for us both.

With constant holidays in Poland and only two months out of the year where I made a full month’s pay, I was almost homeless several times from 2016-2017.

Now, I used to live in Shanghai doing my master’s degree where I had been making quite good money (about $31-40 USD/hour). I made a mere $15/USD here in Poland, which by US standards would be halfway decent… if we actually worked a full month ever. China is the direct opposite of Poland too; if there is a random holiday in the middle of the week, say, Wednesday, they will make you go to work on Saturday or Sunday to “make up” for the holiday. So, no matter what happens, you pretty much are always working an entire full month’s salary. 

This brings me to now. I have gotten a job back in Shanghai again with an excellent company, because fuck ESL teaching in Poland. My husband also has been offered something. The pay is incredibly good, and we finally got our visas and plane tickets a few days ago. We are supposed to leave for Shanghai this weekend. My job is providing a hotel for us for one week but we need to register accommodation as per Chinese working laws. My friend in Shanghai had volunteered to let us stay in an extra apartment her parents have, but it turned out that for them to register with the police to allow foreigners to live there, it would cost them 10,000 RMB ($1,576 USD).

As of today, her parents have then decided to pull out of this… meaning we are effectively homeless and have nowhere to stay.

To afford an apartment in Shanghai, it’s typically 3 months’ rent plus 1 month’s salary (I know, I know, a lot. Too many people move to Shanghai to do shady shit and then would split on their landlords, which is why they started to do this whole 3 months at a time thing). We… don’t have the money for this at all. We used everything we saved for the plane tickets and visas. I will be receiving a 10,000 RMB advance from my employers, but apartments can range from 3,000 RMB to 5,000 RMB a month. We are, in a word, totally fucked.

Worst of all, because I quit my job here in Poland and my legal stay was based on work, I have less than 30 days to leave Poland. I could change to having it be based on marriage to a Polish citizen but a) I would not be legally allowed to work until I got my new residence permit, which could take up to six months and b) my father-in-law won’t let me continue to live here if I am not working. I spent all of my money on plane tickets to Shanghai, so it’s not like I can buy a plane ticket to America last minute and go back.

We need all the help we can get. I will have the 10,000 RMB cash advance, and an apartment will cost about 16,000 RMB with the three months’ plus deposit. That’s about $945 USD remaining. Anything helps. Anything. Please. I decided to make this move because I am tired of TWO YEARS of constantly worrying about being homeless in Poland. I don’t want to arrive in Shanghai, finally with both my husband  and I having positions and financial stability, only for it to be ruined because I never made enough money in Poland to pull off the very beginning step of having the apartment. This is all that’s left for us. Please help.

We fly to Shanghai on Monday. Our last day in the hotel my company is providing is Saturday the 24th of February. Please help us. Please.

http://ko-fi.com/tohsakarin

[lokbobpop]

Embrace

Embrace is from the French verb embrasser, which started out meaning "to clasp in the arms" (but now includes kissing). You embrace someone by giving her a giant hug, and when you embrace a new idea, it's like your brain gives it a hug.

His embrace was warm and exciting. ...

He was about to embrace his friend, but Nicholas avoided him. ...

She melted in his embrace , returning his hungry kiss. ...

It was time for him to embrace it

Embrace em brace rmb race

Writing embrace

A point that is coming up at the moment is about how i have over the last 25+ years thought about being embraced hugged by another to be loved as i want to feel loved by another i want to know how it feels and not looked at the point of im waiting for me to love myself thats all im just waiting for love outside of me.

Reading embrace

I like ot embrace people give a hug to make them feel better and i feel better hugging so that i express myself when i was younger id never do anything like this you just didnt but after traveling i did it seemed the right thing to do whether it was for something happy or sad it was good to do.

My husband just doesnt like it he doesnt want to hug or anything but when we first met it wasnt a problem then but now it is i dont know why there was lots of arguing in the early days maybe this has made him build a wall that he doesnt want to get over.

Twice ive been embraced by a man and gone weak at the knees its the weirdest thing first time i was about 14 a older boy grabbed me at party and kissed me and i was liek what the fuck and my knees when. The second time was a a few years ago when a friend gave me a hug but they gave me a hug in such a way like they really meant it and my legs when weak and i felt myself falling i was embarrassed after and avoided them it was a shock that this could happen but have spent many years with no hugging going on and missed how it felt i still do.

I do long to be embraced and loved my one daughter give me a hug but thats it.

Embracing something new like parts of myself embrace the parts i dont like about myself does help as nobody else will like them i created them so i need to like them about myself embrace them with self love it’s ok im here now im going to help you get through this your all good we can do this together.

Im desperate though to be hugged embraced i must say and to know i will never get this embrace within my marriage now is hard.

Saying embrace

To embrace aspects of myself that are hard to like point im walking of comparison spite blame revenge and stuff like that no one wants to admit they have it but i do and its ok i embrace that part about me its ok i can get through this i can do it i made mistakes in life with energy and now im here to but them right so i embrace all parts of me the good and the bad.

I embrace my spite my anger my revenge my comparison my blame, my unloved feelings my moods my temper and so on its all part of me that i have aloud and need to work out with myself i also embrace my personality of going blanks in thoughts my end of the world scenarios my poor me my seeing others as better than me and hiding and seeing myself as small insignificant not remembering my inferior and superior thoughts all of it its me and i take responsibility of me and what has happened im changing these points within.

Sf

Does this definition support me no its hard embracing parts that seem yucky and not so nice but i see this is the way to go for me i need to do it and the longing to be loved by another i need embrace myself self love i need ot guide that energy towards me not out of me, and the polarity of this word liking to embrace people to feel something or to make them feel something.

Embrace ember ace

Embrace

To embrace all parts of me unconditionally

To embrace all parts of another

I will live this word with embracing myself and others as equal as one and embracing all parts of myself as point to see myself to change to love about me.

[softevan]

She’s An Angel, My Only Angel (Harry Styles One Shot)

Anonymous said:

Can you please write an imagine where the reader is Harry's best friend and she goes on vacation with Harry's family and then H gets so touchy and protective with her and Gemma can't stop teasing them telling that they're something else and maybe H just kiss her and confesses that he's in love with her (?)

 I’ve decided to do abit of something on the side to kinda take a break from writing RMB, but don’t worry I am posting the new chapter on Friday! But this one stood out to me from all the requests so I’ve decided to write this one! I am writing in Y/N since you didn’t give a name, but I hope you enjoy this piece! -K

 Y/N’s POV

 “C’mon Y/N you have to get over him at some point, you cant just sit here and sulk forever” Gemma blurted out when I was sitting on the couch on my phone. Looking at old pictures of me and Daniel. Me and my ex boyfriend Daniel were dating for 3 years. I thought I was in love. But I feel like, well now I know that he wasn’t in love with me, would you cheat on someone you love? After I broke up with him I knew I was doing the right thing. But something inside of me thought that I could have gave him another chance. But maybe I didn’t want to. Confusion set within me and I just didn’t know how to deal with it. From we broke up a few weeks ago, I had just been sitting around the house, not really motivating myself to do anything, apart from working, which I’ve had to call in sick because I just couldn’t work the best of my ability with him stuck in my head. But Gemma, of course, has been trying to get me to move on, which in my own head I don’t really wanna do yet, I just don’t feel ready. “I’m not sulking Gem, I’m just, I don’t know, not in the best of moods today” “Y/N your never in the best of moods recently” She came walking over to join me on the sofa, and she just stared at me, with sadness in her eyes. “Just talk to me and tell me how you feel, you haven’t been talking about it which is bad for you, you need to talk about it” I sighed and looked down at my phone, my screensaver, a picture of us when it was a lot simpler and I was happy. “I’m fine” “Y/N” She responded with a sigh and placed her hand on my thigh. If I looked up at her I knew that I was going to cry, but I had to be strong. We have been friends for a couple of years and has she not once seen me cry. “I just miss him, that’s all. I don’t know, it just feels like I’m alone, and I cant move on from it. But I know I have to” My lip started to quiver, I knew I didn’t have the strength to hold it all in, but I knew I would feel better knowing that Gemma knows how I really feel about it. “Hey, listen, your only human, you cant keep it together every minute of everyday, you’ve been hurt by some prick. Just let it out, its only normal. He was the love of your life, and that’s hard to come by. But I know that deep down you didn’t want to let him go. But I think you were so comfortable in that relationship that I think you didn’t want to breakup with him because you were scared of feeling isolated. I get that, but you shouldn’t stay with someone just to feel like you have someone. You’ve got me, Harry, Mum, Dad, and all of your friends, you don’t need him. Especially if he is being a pure knob end and cheating on you” I looked up at Gemma’s face and seeing her expression, knowing that what she was saying was one hundred percent accurate. “Yeah I guess your right”

I heard a knock coming from the front door of the porch, it was probably just the newspaper guy or something. “Gem can you get it please” “What did your last slave die of?” “Not working hard enough” We both giggled as she was walking to answer the door. I heard a few voices, then a male voice. “Where is my loving friend who didn’t reply to my texts?” Harrys tall frame came into sight when he walked into the living room. “Sorry Harry, I just haven’t been using my phone that much recently, don’t take it too personal” His face dropped when he seen the state that I was in. “Hey, you okay?” He came rushing to the sofa and gave me a massive hug, something that I actually didn’t think I needed but it felt amazing. His hugs are the best though. “Daniel and Y/N broke up” “Your kidding, why?” I looked down at my nails, nervously picking at them. Not knowing what to say to him, it just kind of made me hesitant. “He kinda cheated on me” I silently giggled, just being my awkward self as normal. “Aw love, I’m so sorry” He came and gave me another warm embrace, again, was what I needed. “Thanks H” I sat on the edge of the sofa and looked directly at him. He was probably full of judging me right now of my appearance. Hair in a greasy bun, sweats on, no makeup and sweet wrappers all over the coffee table. “I know what will cheer you up and take your mind off of that jerk off, a vacation, come join us and the fam bam” Gemma’s eyes lit up at Harry’s idea, looking directly at me. “Yes Y/N come with us, were heading to St Barts on our friends yacht for a week, oh my god you will love it” “Eh I don’t know guys, its a family holiday, I don’t wanna intrude” “Y/N don’t be silly, you are family to us, I know for a fact they will be more than happy for you to join us” Harry encouraged, looking at Gemma then back at me. I mean it would be nice to get away for a while to take my mind off of things, and it being peek season of summer it would be unreal to get a tan. And I’m with my friends, so I guess its a no brainer. “Okay, ill go then if your guna twist my arm” I smiled looking up at Harry. His face beamed of excitement and grabbed my waist, pulling me up over his shoulder and started to run around the apartment. “Were going on holiday yeoooooo, lets get packing”

 The yacht was amazing, the view was breath taking, and the weather was unbelievably warm. It was the perfect time of year to go, and I’m with the right people which made it so much better. I’m so happy I decided to go, the atmosphere here is just so positive and exciting. It was defiantly something I needed to lift my spirits. “Thank you so much for letting me join you guys” “Oh my goodness don’t be silly Y/N your family, of course you are more than welcome” Anne replied with the biggest smile on her face. Anne is such a lovely personality, just like Harry and Gemma, just so humble and polite. They are like my second family. “How do you like St. Barts so far?” Harry asked looking directly at me then back at the view. “I love it, would love to move out here in this heat, would be amazing” “It defiantly would love” As he walked past me, he placed his hand on my waist to move past me, even though there was no one there for him to move past behind me, he still touched me. And I kind of liked it. Gemma diverted her eyes over and witnessed what had happened and winked at me, what does that mean? Anne came out with a bottle of champagne and four glasses in hand. “Here Harry ill let you do the honours of popping the cork” She giggled handing him the bottle while setting the glasses on the table in front of us. “Watch your ear holes” We all laughed and waited in anticipation for the pop, which he was having problems with, so I decided to step in to give him a hand. “No you have to squeeze the base and push it up” I went in and put my hands around his, and pushed my thumbs with his to help him. He pulled my body in front of him with his arms over my shoulders, and with the force of both of us it suddenly popped with no problem. Cheers from Anne and Gemma filled the deck with laughter. I turned around to give Harry the cork and looked straight at him, but he was already looking at me, in my eyes. Something happened in that moment where I felt something there, that I’ve never felt before with him. But maybe I’ve never looked at him in that way before.

 The next day we decided to have a dip in the ocean, which has been one of the biggest fears of mine. The ocean is so deep and so far, its defiantly terrifying. I got changed into a red bikini and walked out to meet them on the main decking of the boat. Harry was laying out on one of the sunbeds with his arms under his head, with his eyes closed, wearing nothing but his swimming bottoms. I don’t know why but I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I couldn’t stop thinking about him last night, and the feelings I got from him looking at me that way, it was a moment for sure. I walked down beside him and smacked his stomach with my towel and started to giggle. “Ah you scared the living death outta me kid, what are you up to?” “It was just funny” I grinned, making my way around to sit beside him on one of the other sunbeds. “Look at you in your little bikini, looking good” His eyes never left my body as I made my way to sit down, which made me feel so self conscious, I mean he is staring at me, in a bathing suit, I never even thought he would have blinked an eye. “Haha don’t make me blush” “Its true” “Well thank you” The awkwardness began to fill between us, of course. “Do you just wanna go ahead in? I have no idea how long the girls will take” “Yeah sure if you want to” We both got up with our towels and made our way down to the bottom of the boat where the ladder is to go into the water. Once I was down there I realised how deep the water actually looked. The panic started to rise within me and I started to hesitate. “H I don’t think I can go in there now” His face turned to mine. “Why not?” “I don’t know, its just too deep, and scary” I couldn’t take my eyes off of the water, the fear never leaving my face. “Love its fine, ill go in first and you can come in after me, ill hold you, okay?” I looked back up at him then back into the water. I have to do it at some point, and it might as well be with Harry. “Yeah okay” “That’s my girl” Did he just say that? My face started to feel flushed with the comment but I tried to pretend that it didn’t phase me, and watched him getting into the water. He turned to face me and reached out his hand to help me in. “Okay Y/N c’mon, your turn” I started to panic again and turned my back to him. I made my way down the ladder, and when I got to the bottom, I felt Harry’s hands on my waist guiding me down into the water, safely in my eyes. “See, you did it! It wasn’t that bad was it?” “Its actually nice, the water is so pretty and warm” His smile lit up while his hands were still on my waist. “Wanna go for a swim?” I splashed him and swam away for him laughing. “Your going to pay for that”

 Once we got out of the water I had noticed that Gemma and Anne didn’t join us in the water. I walked over to them with my towel over my body. “Why didn’t you guys come join us? The water is so refreshing and warm” Gemma and Anne looked at each other then at me. “It seemed like you two were having fun out there so we decided to leave you guys alone” Gemma said with a devilish grin, looking at me then and Anne. “What does that mean?” I replied. Do they see something that I am feeling? “We see the way you look at him, we know you like him” “What no way, this is Harry we are talking about here, that’s just weird, no” “That’s not what we see anyway” They are always right when it comes to reading me, I hope I’m not giving off the same vibe to him because I don’t think I have feelings for him, well so think. “Y/N we are having dinner this evening out on the deck, so wear something nice and dress up, it will be a nice night” Anne added before I walked away to get out of my wet bikini. “Yeah, ill help you decide what to wear” “That’s okay, I’m going to go and shower off this ocean water” I replied and made my way down to my room.

 As I was drying my hair I noticed Gemma coming prancing in and jumping on my freshly made bed and looking around my room then to me, until I finished drying my hair with the hair dryer. “So, what are you wearing tonight?” “I don’t know, maybe just like jeans and a nice shirt or something” I sighed brushing out my hair and turning to face her. “No no, your wearing a dress or something” “I don’t have a dress” “Well I do and your going to look gorgeous in it” My eyes squinted at her and she grinned a over exaggerated grin. “What are you up to Styles?” “Nothing at all” Her grin never left her face. “I know when your up to something, just tell me so I don’t have to go over there and beat it outta you” I threatened and she look a deep breathe in as if this was big news. “I feel like this past week or so, you and Harry have gotten closer, especially when you two have came here with us” “Yeah so, we’ve gotten closer, so what’s the big deal?” “I feel like you maybe have some feelings towards him? And don’t try to deny it, I know that look” “No its Harry your on about” “As you keep saying, I know my brother, but your not saying that you don’t like him” I made my way over to sit beside her on the bed and just thought about what she had said, is it even that obvious? “I know for a fact he likes you too” “He does?” I suddenly got butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it, maybe she is right. “I know he does, he doesn’t have to say it. That’s why you need to look good for him” “Gem I don’t want to look good for him, I don’t want anything with anyone right now. I’m still getting my head around the fact that me and Daniel have broken up, I’m still not over it yet. I just need time, and stop trying to pressure this on me, I’m just not ready yet” She looked at me and tried to read if I was kidding, which I was dead serious. “Okay, I’m sorry, I didn’t really think about that aspect of it. I just feel like Harry would treat you so much better than Daniel ever could, and I know that you know that. Just think about it” She gave a small smile and touched my leg. “Ill leave you to it, ill come in to you at seven, you better be ready” “Course I will” I replied as she was walking to the door. “Gem?” She turned around before she opened the door. “Yes?” “What colour is this dress?”

 It was about seven and I felt like I was ready to go. Gem’s dress fitted to perfection. The long black mesh lining on the top with a plunging neck line to give me somewhat of the appearance of boobs that were non existent. The skirt lining was a full mesh design that had a slit coming up the side of it. I paired it with a pair of small heels and my hair slightly curled. Gemma came into get me and we made our way up to the decking which had candle lighting with hanging lights around the top. The table with flowers was covered all the way up the middle, and the plate settings was sitting to perfection. As I was walking down to our seats I seen Harry’s face, his eyes never leaving me until I sat down opposite him, beside Gemma. “Hey kid” I whispered when I sat down and faced Harry, which was still looking at me then quickly diverted is eyes away when he seen that I was looking back at him. He did look handsome. He wore a blue polka dot shirt and black jeans, with his hair up I a bun that I always liked. We had a lovely meal and talked about literally random things, having a good laugh. “That food was amazing” Harry remarked when he cleared his plate. By this point everyone, including me, was just about to the point of throwing up because we were so full. “Yeah it was amazing” Gemma added. “So Y/N how are you holding up, with the whole thing with Daniel and everything?” Anne asked innocently, not knowing the full reason why we split up. But even hearing his name just made me want to burst out into tears. “Mum, not now” Gemma bit back and her. I slightly bit my lip trying not to cry and looked down at my fingers. “Sorry Y/N I didn’t mean to bring it up” The whole atmosphere changed around the table, because of me. “Do you mind if I be excused? I think I just need a little breather, its so warm tonight” I looked up at Anne. “Of course hunny go right ahead”

 I quickly got up, lifted my dress a little in case I tripped and walked around to the other side of the boat where the sofas where. I sat down on the nearest one facing the water. Looking out at the moon shining so brightly on the water was so peaceful, just what I needed for a breather. I knew that Anne meant to harm by mentioning it, she didn’t understand the situation, but I knew I had to leave the table because I’m just not an emotional person around people. But yet again, I couldn’t stop the tears from coming down my face. Quiet sobs came from my chest, letting it out just lifted a weight off of my chest. “Hey” Harry made his way over which made me swipe the tears away from my eyes quickly before he could see. “Hi” I never left my eyes from the water when he sat down next to me. “I’m sorry about Mum earlier, she didn’t know” “No no Harry, its fine, honestly. Its fine. I’m fine” I looked over to him and give him a fake smile, which he could see right through. “Y/N don’t ever feel like you have to have a barrier up and be emotionless to me, you can come to me if you need to talk about this you know” “I’ve done enough talking at this point, I’m just tired of talking about it, I just wanna move on” I couldn’t take my eyes off of the ocean as I was nervously picking at my nails. “Yeah you do, because no guy should ever treat you the way Danny did, I mean, you shouldn’t have to go through all that emotional stress for someone who didn’t even care about you to begin with. Y/N look at me.” I turned my face and looked straight at him trying to keep back my tears. “Your so much better than him and you deserve someone who would treat you like a princess and would do anything to make you happy. To treat you with respect and always think to themselves that they are the luckiest guy in the whole world to have someone like you. You need to know” His face looked down and he started to fidget a little, then moved closer to me, putting his hand on my thigh. “You need someone like me. I’m not saying that I am the perfect guy. But when I seen the way he was treating you, I realised that I could treat you so much better. Give you breakfast in bed, give you kisses at every chance I could get, tell you how beautiful you look every single day even if you think you don’t. You need someone to tell you they love you every at 20 times a day. And I want that guy to be me” He poured his heart out to me and I couldn’t believe it. He was sitting here and he couldn’t take a breath in between each sentence, it was like word vomit. “You look so beautiful tonight, I wish that I could kiss you but I cant. Every time I see you I wish that I could tell you how I felt, but then I see you kissing him and it just broke my heart. And it broke my heart more seeing you so upset, it killed me. But I’m just glad that you know now” The silence around us was deafening. Just taking in everything that he had said, the way he said it. I just knew from that moment that I wanted him just as much as he wanted me. “Ill give you some time alone, I’m sorry”  He got up off of the sofa and started to make his way to the bedroom doors when I had this sudden burst of want for him. I needed to know what it was like to have a moment with him. I got up and ran towards him. “Harry” I panted. He turned around and stood facing me. I slowly reached up to pull his head in for the most amazing, romantic kiss that I’ve ever had. The kiss went on for a while which felt like seconds. His lips as soft as rose petals, tasted like peppermint. It was just perfect. When I let go I kept my hands in his hair and just peered up to him, now realising in that moment his hands were pressed to my hips pulling me closer to him. “Lets give this a go, I mean take it slowly, but I don’t wanna wait” He didn’t say anything in response and just have a faint smile and went straight back to my lips. No matter what you go through in life, you always get your prince charming in the end.

 If anyone has any requests let me know my sending me either a message on messenger or drop a message in the ask me anything box, hope you enjoyed this one -K xxx

[petalsofelrondir]

La Douleur Exquise Chapter 6, One-sided!Thrandolas

I am back, 3 years later, with my continuation of LDE. Don’t you want to laugh bc it’s been 3 years omg. I can’t even rmb how i post these chapter updates on here anymore. Many things have happened in three years time but i’ll always be thankful that my writing will always bring me to that happy place where nothing bad is associated with it. I’ll make my rambling here short bc i have what i wanted to say written out in the notes of the chapter, but i hope you guys enjoy this new chapter!

La Douleur Exquise Chapter 6 on AO3

also under the cut

“You’re sure you want to do this?” Aragorn asks as they pull up outside the restaurant, Legolas nods. It was now or never. He would meet this man and his family and do some evaluation, then he would decide if he could win back his father or not, if it would be <i>possible</i>.

Of course, the ever present question of ‘what was the point?’ was always at the back of his mind. Because truly, what was the point of trying anymore when his father so clearly keeps his distance, even go so far as to hide a relationship from him. He wouldn’t condemn his father for having a new lover, his mother had died long ago, things change, he understood.

He suppose he’s too old to want his father’s attention anymore, the time for nightly cuddles and sweet mornings have long passed and if he wanted those he could get them from Glorfindel now, so there was really no point.

But then he would remember that day, when his father had put a hand to his forehead and told him to call him if he were sick, it gives him renewed hope that maybe he cared. But did he? When he so easily put him aside for the little girl who had called him ‘ada’ –legolas still hasn’t gotten over that yet- and what more, for something he had never done for legolas when he was small. It was hard for legolas to believe so.

Legolas’ face is cool and unshakable when he meets the Bowmans, he figures he would crumble later but for now he would stand tall in the face of an opponent. Aragorn smiles tightly, and the only reason he doesn’t throw in a punch with the handshake he gives Legolas’ father is because he promised Legolas he wouldn’t.

Bard is puzzled when he sees Aragorn, he’s quite sure he was the one who had glared at him last Sunday. “Have I seen you before?” he asks, his daughter agrees that she’s seen him before.

“I don’t think so. I surely don’t remember if we ever did.” Is the reply Bard gets, and he’s still confused, but he doesn’t ask of it further. Instead, he gets a good look at Legolas, who is so much like his father. His hair is as pale and long, eyes as blue and body as lithe and graceful as his father’s, he feels like he exists in a different world from theirs.

He tries his best not to think that way because Thranduil has told him not to on many occasions when he needed help and money was tight, or when Thranduil brings him out to dinner at a fancy posh restaurant, and also when he met some of Thranduil’s other friends, he definitely felt the difference in class then.

When he looks at Aragorn though he feels better because the teenager looks as rugged as he did, and less like the clean brightness of the blonde father and son. He then suddenly feels very odd because Thranduil had told him about his son’s friend, and also about how he thinks they’re more than friends. It would surely be a coincidence, the pair of them looks like a younger version of him and Thranduil, he supposes it may merely be because Legolas has the same tastes as his father, he seems to like a lot of things his father likes, as far as he knew.

They sit down and order their food, chatting a bit stiffly, in Bard’s point of view, he gets a feeling that Legolas doesn’t like them much. He suppose he could understand, he was afraid of his children not liking Thranduil too, but they turned out fine, he wonders what Thranduil will do about Legolas’ case.

Thranduil wonders what’s wrong with Legolas, he isn’t his usual enthusiastic self, if anything he looks solemn. Maybe he’s nervous about introducing Aragorn, but Thranduil has shown no dislike to the rugged teen, he had been nothing but courteous to the young man. And then he thinks maybe it’s time to talk to his son about he and Bard’s relationship, maybe it will ease his mind.

He listens as his son talks to his lover in clipped tones and smiles that don’t reach his eyes, he’s seen enough to recognise hostility. He had hopes that they would get along, he loves both of them, he wouldn’t want either of them to be unhappy. He adds into their conversation, hoping to smooth the way, but it doesn’t seem to work.

Legolas doesn’t see what’s so good about this man, he’s unkempt, ungraceful, his kids are making a mess of their food, he’s even feeding them! For Valar’s sake how unreliable is this man that his kids can’t even eat by themselves? How could his father possibly lo- have feelings for this-this- <i>disgrace</i> of a man? 

He took a few deep breaths and a few bites of his food, he knew he was being biased in his judgement, after all one of his best friend –currently sat beside him- was as unkempt and ungraceful but he still loved him anyways. But so what? These were his feelings, he could do whatever he wanted with them!

Aragorn feels the thick atmosphere around them like a heavy blanket on a hot day, he doesn’t care to diffuse it because he doesn’t want Legolas to like this man and further blame himself for being ‘unlovable’, a man or two could be sacrificed for the sake of his friend’s self-esteem. He wants Legolas to hate him and by extension slowly hate his father too.

Anyone else might think he was cruel for thinking so, but he’s tried to be nice about Legolas and his father’s relationship and look how that turned out. Thranduil had been the same as he always was and Legolas had fallen deeper into his pit of despair, he wanted to sigh out his entire being just thinking about it. And so if helping Legolas to try and reconcile with his father didn’t work, he would help Legolas forget him instead.

He hears Legolas try to calm himself and his fingers are white from gripping his drink too hard, Aragorn decides it’s time to give him a breather before he has a brain aneurysm. He excuses the both of them to head to the bathroom.

Insults at Bard fly out of Legolas’ mouth the second the bathroom door is closed, Aragorn calmly listens to them and nods along, knowing his friend needed this release.

“And worst of all, do you see the way he feeds his children? They’re not little babies anymore, they can feed themselves! What kind of incompetent man allows his children to make such messes of themselves, and he even cleans them up for them! Do they not have arms and legs?” Legolas gestures wildly everywhere while he rants, Aragorn tries to make sure he doesn’t injure himself.

For Aragorn, the things Legolas is ranting about were purely little things here and there that had unfortunately managed to catch Legolas’ eyes and were avidly being talked about. As for the last thing he said, Aragorn sighed, it was a serious problem probably stemming back to Legolas lonely childhood.

He didn’t tell Legolas though, he didn’t tell him that it was normal for parents to care for their children that way, messes were what children made and coddling was what parents did. And of course he knew why Legolas was ranting about such inconsequential things, why it bothered him so much that a parent was just doing his job and taking care of his kids.

It was because Legolas was jealous.

He was jealous that his messes weren’t cleaned up by his father, jealous that his father never tolerated disobedience, that he couldn’t play with his food and have his father play along with him.

And he was also angry, angry that his father had abandoned him to a nanny at such a young age, that he was forced to learn to take care of himself faster than others, that he had not a happy childhood that he was seeing Bard give his children while his own father sits beside and smiles as if he approves of all the things he had never done for his own child.

Legolas had so much emotion inside him he did not know what to do but to hate and rant. But alas the hate was not directed at the person it was supposed to be at, instead he had pulled in an innocent man who loved his children and openly showed that affection, he had directed all his rage and jealousy at this great example of a father, simply because his father was not one.

All Aragorn would do was pat him on the back and comfort him, he would let that anger stew and hopefully finally be angled at Thranduil sooner or later. “Do you want to leave?” Aragorn asked, just in case his friend really couldn’t take it anymore.

Legolas shook his head, “I won’t let that man win.” He says with venom in his voice. Aragorn sighs, he had a long way to go to achieve his intended goal, for now he calmed his friend enough to continue their dinner.

Legolas knows that he’s contradicting himself, making things between him and Bard a competition when earlier on he told himself he would be okay with his father having a new lover. And truthfully Legolas thinks it’s partly true, the only thing out of this whole disaster that irks him was the way Bard treats his children. He hated that he and those bardlings were on the same boat, both without mothers and only a father to look after them, but yet, they were loved more, cared for more, had more attention from their father than he ever had with his own. And now they even had attention from <i>his</i> father when he himself has nothing but scraps that Thranduil might deign to throw out to him. He’s devastated and angry and the only way he could think of right now to set things right were to separate his father and Bard, so he no longer had to look at the way his own father looks at his lover’s children and cares for them more than he ever has his own.

When Legolas and his friend returns, Thranduil notices that his son looks less wound up but still tense, and his friend has a comforting hand behind Legolas’ back. Maybe this was too soon, maybe Legolas wasn’t ready to accept a new family. He would need to sit down and have a talk with Legolas about this soon.

Legolas makes it through the dinner with gritted teeth and false smiles that hurt his cheeks. Bard’s children are too chummy to Thranduil, even Legolas isn’t that close to his father and Thranduil is <i>his</i> father, it wasn’t fair. He does rejoice in the uncomfortable look on Bard’s face throughout the dinner, the only small reprise he gets from having the precious time with his father hogged by some outsiders.

When Thranduil bids his farewell to Legolas and Aragorn, Legolas pauses and asks, “You’re not coming home?” Legolas had come with Aragorn in the latter’s car, he was expecting to follow in his father’s car back home.

Bard and Thranduil were the only ones left standing with Legolas and Aragorn, Sigrid had taken Bard’s car and was already backing out of the parking and leaving with her siblings. It was obvious to Aragorn that Bard and Thranduil were off to spend time together, and he knew it was quite obvious to his friend too.

Bard looked at Legolas and for a moment he saw such intense longing in the boy’s eyes that he was taken aback, Legolas’ gaze was directed at Thranduil and he looked as if he was begging his father to come home with him. Bard was taken aback and frozen on the spot, his brain wasn’t processing things fast enough. Aragorn sighs and not so subtly rolls his eyes, which hadn’t gone unnoticed by Bard who isn’t coming to a revelation but he’s collecting the pieces which he will examine when he goes home and has time for his brain to slowly understand.  

Aragorn is just waiting for Thranduil to make some stupid excuse up and leave, then Legolas will come home with him with sad disappointing eyes, which will turn into anger the moment he closes his room door and Legolas will explode into rants. Aragorn will then comfort him and reassures him that he’s loved, that he is enough, and adds on that one day he will find himself in a healthy environment, no longer wishing for the father that neglects him as if he were an outdated toy, and he will have all the love he ever deserved and more. It was pretty much routine for Aragorn now.

“Sorry Legolas, I was thinking of spending some more time with Bard. You go on home with Aragorn, I’m sure you’d want to spend more time with him too.” Thranduil smiles at the two of them, trying his best to convey to his son that he was absolutely fine to the idea of them being together. He doesn’t see the look in Legolas’ eyes that Bard does, nor does he hear Aragorn’s sigh that Bard does.

Legolas nods stiffly and bids his father farewell, watching as his father turns to leave. His eyes meets Bard’s, and for a moment he thought he sees something flicker through them, something he couldn’t decipher, but then he remembers he hates the man and he glares back. Bard merely smiles politely to them and bids them goodnight.

Aragorn brings Legolas back to his house and they bring out the alcohol and snacks, he settles himself down for a night of ranting, and this time, he’s ready to poke holes whenever Legolas wants to defend his own father because honestly, enough was enough.

[ellydie-grace]

When i think about certain things, i really miss him :( but i know that certainly he does not care at all.

But still he creeps into my dreams. Once in a while i see from his eyes that he likes me.

More often than not i see him from afar.

And this morning i woke up to a dream and saw him getting attached, marrying someone else, leaving me behind :( i know that one day, he will have to go some day. He will have to marry someone else. He will have to go overseas and do whatever the Lord hath for him to do.

Actually i wish i wasn't like that. I know that it's going to be ok and whatever is God's will will be. And God's will is the best way.

But i miss him still. Will it always be like that?

But when COVID ends. I know there is no way i could see him again. And it doesn't make sense. I'm going to run to a far away place. But aiya he wouldn't bother to find me anyway.

Sometimes i wish nothing will unlock the floodgates of emotions that has been brimming since 10 years ago. But now that it has i don't know how to draw it all back.

I honestly am pretty angry that i wasn't wise to be even more careful. That my emotions be more controlled. That i listened to a friend who genuinely wishes to help me but the more i listened a worldview to some extent sounds like a fluke.

I wish to go to another country and never think of all these. I know i'm weakminded. But i wish i never have to receive some text telling him that he got attached. It's ok he can go ahead. Whatever is God's will.

It's just that i don't wish to hear it. I already told myself for an eternity since 10 years ago that this will never be. But now when i hear it i think i still might cry. And i don't know what to do. Don't invite me to his wedding. Don't let me hear that he has to leave.

I remember i went to see a psychologist once. Actually my life is full of troubles. But i didn't share about him. And then she asked. And then i shared a little. And then i just cried. I never cry over anything

I said there was this guy that has been in the back of my mind for 10 years. I never thought much of about it. As a 17 year old girl, what is a passing crush after all?

And then all the girls in church / outside of church has a crush on him. I didn't see that he was good. So i said why would anyone like him. I will never like him. I picked all the guys with the traits i wanted, and actually talked to me.

Truth to be told i never really talked to him. It was arm's length interaction. He wasn't particularly nice to me anyway. So.. #shrug

I mean i was so distracted by so many guys anyway. Yet i also kinda know i half-liked them either coz they had a godly trait or i enjoyed their attention. That's all.

But as the years went by this just never went away. All his actions affected me a lot. I'm happy to hear he's close to the Lord, sad and worried when i find him going astray. Happy to see him help an ah ma up the bus and play with kids. But too disappointed in other things.

Even if i was distracted, when i face him, i still get nervous. And i thought finally the feelings have died so low i didn't like him. I finally went ahead to help. But it didn't work :(

But after saying all these. Since so many girls like him haha. There's probably many other girls who think just like me.

But anyway i can't hear it. Don't tell me that he has walked away. I know he will. So i'll just suck it up and run away and never see him or the people around him again so that i'll never have to listen to this hard truth told right to me in my face.

I'll still pray that God will keep him close to him and give him wisdom at his work, which seems really volatile (?)

Isn't it silly to keep him in prayer still? But i've gotten so used to keeping him in prayer. When i start praying i'll rmb him still and just drop in an extra note for him.

Anyway he's not bad. He's a really gentle guy and he really tries. It's not that he doesn't have faults. He has a lot of struggles and he tries to deny himself. And he works hard. He struggles a lot la. But still thank God he's really lovely and sensitive, and he loves his family a lot. His forbearance towards others and trying to trust in the Lord in little things are what taught me a lot.

And then i learnt that it is probably not faults and good things that you assess a person for. It's just a matter of whether it's God's will. God's will use His choice to test you, mold you and draw you closer to God. And show you more of God's character and increase your faith.

Haha but i'm really tested thin. Why bring the worries when this will never be. I just wanna have a simple life and read the Bible simply. And move on.

I'll run away. If he's really meant to be. Then God will move in his heart to find me.

Haha ok grand romantic ideas aside. No la, he doesn't care. 3 months into COVID already and he never even drop a text. So wake up. Please wake up. Wake up wake up wake up.

This is what waking up looks like. Be realistic, yet still keep him in prayer because i should pray for him. Because we ought to pray what the Lord hath laid in our hearts, what we come across.

Actually i don't want to. But yet i ought to. I kinda want to. Sigh.

So i guess the solution left is to break myself out of this social circle when covid ends.

I really wish i was contented. Because God hath been very good to me. But I don't know why i'm like that. Sobs :(

Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Grow up and be mature. Work for your keep.

[chickenfetus]

ALL MY EGG (and for the four names: jae, killer kang, minhyuk (whichever one), and santa

deadass i did the 100 questions ask meme for this ask and almost posted it rip

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone?

theres literally nothing i dont even know what to say ???? 

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?

not 2 be delusional but i would give up my world to hug changkyun

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why?

glaceon is UP THERE idk why honestly but the sinnoh games were my first and i just??? i was really into ice and snow and shit u know so glaceon... thakn u

another pkmn ill always have is lucario ????? its just so cool?????

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

hopefully forgiveness and like???? acknowledging mistakes and learning from those u know jst positive stuff and like?? water. god i love water

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had?

hm okay i think this one was from last night or the night b4??? and like???? idk???? i dont even know how 2 start tbh?

so im like hanging over at this two kid’s im a kid 2 i think place and idk we just talk and shit??? idk whomst the boys were tho

and then we get to a scene where its like??? at a train station???? and i go to the washroom to shit or smth idk thankfully i didnt shit myself irl

then i have to get onto the train which isnt even a train its like a carousel with seats??? and its like on a train track boys this is 2 much and i forgot to get ready my train card thing so the guy (who i was p sure was evil) waited for me to remove it so i got onto the transportation device lmao

and then once im seated i remember i forgot my jacket so i make like hand movements 2 the creep and hes runnig 2 me with my jakcet but the ride’s way too fast so i yell and say ill come back for it even tho im p sure i wasnt going 2

after that i wke up wild

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend?

i dont have a best friend and all of my friends have their own unique qualities if i went into a rant abt them rn this will b so long

😘 talk about your crush or partner

[minhyuk voice] theres none

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back?

ya bc im petty but it really depends on the person

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

my personality (the good parts)

my values

my taste in friends (my Big Friends are either geminis or scorpios good)

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it?

the dark and bitch isnt gonna turn off her night light any time soon

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

seeing my favourite happy, listening to the music i like 

💙 what annoys you about some people?

i jjust went into a full out rant abt this on the other reply so ill be quiet now

😤 do you get angry easily?

yeahhhhh 

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

my faves tbh

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?

bad people , gone.

everybody only sends love and happy things on anon

i just want everyone 2 b nice & friendly wars of any sort dont exist and no one wants anybody dead

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?

if u sent jae’s name earlier id have trouble so im glad

kiss: tihis is so fucking embarrassing wtf minhyku (mx) but only on the cheek basically everywhere except the lips or anyplace weird

befriend: brian :-0

kill: jae goodbye loser

marry: sanha we can yell every time we gotta turn the lights off

✈️ what is your dream city and why?

tokyo bc its NICE

☕️ talk about your ideal day

cant read

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?

i suddenly thought of the word ambivore which made me think of the word vore i wanna delete im a both? mayb idk

💧 when was the last time you cried?

nov 3 bc my heart hurts whenever i see ppl being a bad friend

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

oh worm

all alone - day6

with you - astro

dramarama - mx (even though it isnt out yet lmao)

run - bts (the superior bts song)

hellevator - / (i was rly gonna make this mixed languages but rip)

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why?

to fly bc im basic

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?

dont do that

💚 who are you jealous of and why?

nobody in general????????? 

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why?

intelligence i have 2 live somehow what if my money gets stolen

🙊 what are you ashamed of?

my humor

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn?

i (barely) know chinese despite having 2 take it all my life legends only

i know english but im bad at that 2 and its my first language once again legends only

i wanna learn japanese and korean 

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

the cow from voltron 

☁️ talk about your dream universe.

weve already discussed this

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?

oh w-0rm ok so im a regular anon on this persons blog and i wanted to send an ask but never got arnd doing it so im gonna send her one. soon/

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why?

let me live my life as a furry and cat

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike

are u ready 4 me to b the meanest person yet bc i sure am lets fucking go

so theres this girl. and i know her (unfortunately) and ive known her since like 4 years ago and back then she was already pretty shit tbh

she cried bc she had to sit in between the “weird” and “dirty” girls in our class and she headass cried in front of them and everyone just bc she didnt like the arrangement?? shes called the “dirty” girl disgusting before and has made fun of her in front of everybody its just bad :-/

now. fast forward 3 years and in addition to still being disrespectful and rude, she now vocalizes her weird fantasies for her “oppas”??? some examples: 

“when i go watch __ perform im gonna climb onto stage and then my mother and my future husband will fight for me” and she calls those kpop idols weird shit and basically sexualizes them/???? she says the weirdest fucking shit on her ig story and tags them??????? 

another thing. she went to korea nd took a picture of a complete stranger and posted it on her public ig and called him her “oppa” and said that they had a “fun day together” despite the guy not knowing her at all???? she posted the pic of him??? i still dont get it tbh 

she wasnt even being ironic at all??? she calls herself & classmates “autistic” whenever she/others do smth dumb or mess up and its just sososososo fucking wrong

being one of the people to see how shes basically grown from bad to worse is something i dont fucking enjoy and i jsut want to leave my class already lmao 

ok but there are times where i do appreciate her because sometimes the class will be rly quiet and the teacher is basically talking 2 themselves but she’ll always respond w/o fail so thats great but its only bc she talks so damn much 

i just got a flashback to when she “jokingly” said she wanted to be a trainee for the rest of her life how do i just. god

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

we’ve once again already discussed this

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?

i wanted to be various things honestly?? ranging from an astronaut to a vet to an editor to an animator to other stuff i get influenced pretty easily so if i watch smth and i think its cool ill want 2 be that i guess?? ive been trying 2 get rid of that habit so now i have no clue what i wanna be

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?

sweets and chocolate cake

🍑 what are you obsessed with?

drinking water and staying hydrated

making my friends laugh is great 2

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed?

acne LMAO 

😪 what are you sick of?

the usual

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?

i love scouting on sif and bandori so yeah 

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

lets not 

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person?

to a certain extent

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies?

use my phone???? send nice anons and comment on art/fics 

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?

none

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

my tolerance for ppl’s shit is so low

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

my ocs

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams?

i dont have a dream hence myself

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you?

infpt i dont rmb shit but yeah

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite!

falen i dont rmb what u sent

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?

i dont follow any :-o zendaya has had my heart ever since shake it off tho

🐴 opinion on day6?

ur rly gonna do this 2m e?

all alone just started playng this is terrible lets get it

so day6. a band i only found out about in late june (thank u boxy) and before this i only ever listened to bts and mx bc my friends stan them so i thought i was gonna expect boys dancing, the usual. 

i clicked i smile and i lost my fucking shit as soon as i saw the instruments because prior to day6 i was a big 5sos fan so this was rly resonating to me tbh and i was just !!! so fukcng excited??? i never intended to even get into day6 honestly??? but after witnessing how good they are and watching about all of the available mvs at that point i was completely in awe so i caved a created a stan twitter for them.

now, this isnt even the most of it. after becoming a fan i realized how much more these 5 boys are. they compose (if im not wrong) and brian writes lyrics for the songs each month because of their everyday6 project and again, im wow-ed because??? the amount of dedication???? they went from releasing 2 title tracks in 2 years to releasing 12 title tracks and 12 bside tracks in a single year. they havent released the december song yet but haviing to work on 2 or more songs in 4 weeks is fucking amazing if you ask me. 

theyre really talented and theyre just so versatile (am i using that word correctly) and each month their songs sound different. this project has given them the opportunity to try new things and you can hear the steady improvement in each of their vocals (dowoonie not so much since he barely gets lines, but we all know hes working hard) and if you listen to their debut song - kongchu and compare it to the version they released along with sunrise it just???? the drumming has even changed from the original version nd its so noticeable that whenever i hear kongchu from 2015 i know its the old ver

to add to those, they do vlives every week and although those vlives are always scheduled it still makes my day seeing them and watching them do the usual. 

one thing im upset about is that how they barely promote themselves, they rarely get on variety shows (the most is individual schedules) and we, as mydays never really get to know the boys so its harder to fall for them as a whole. i dont know if its jyp or day6′s decision but if this is how they want to be known for - their music only, then so be it. we still have jae’s presence on youtube, music access and asc. thats the most we can get and it makes it difficult for us to learn about the rest but thats okay.

another thing. their concerts are something i always look forward to (even though my interest has died down a bit;) their concerts are just so fun to listen to?? there’ll always be mydays who stream the concert so everyone else can listen to them play and they sound so good live it drives me crazy. mydays are always so hyped and whenever mydays sing along it just gives me goosebumps??? bc theyre so???? good????? 

tldr; day6 deserve more, following wise and promotions wise because they work so hard and once this project ends i hope they’ll manage to rest but still remain as a presence that will be known instead of returning to jyp’s dungeon.

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person?

there are days where i am more emotional than usual 

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them.

this is tiring

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

i sleep and boy it really helps

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad?

rest

🌍 which country do you live in?

singapore

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words

lame funny swag

🐵 which quotes changed you?

“rocky swag” - park minhyuk, 2017

💭 do you keep a diary?

nope

💫 who inspires you?

brian kang 

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?

yes bc i love losing sleep

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like?

terrible

🎬 what are some of your favourite films?

i watched spiderman homecoming and i have no idea why i didnt see the plot twist coming but its GOOD watch it

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?

theres none lads

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?

all my internet buddies but sometimes i dont want to bc im kinda....gross

[namisashimi]

The Gamer Youth from the Turn of the Century - Baolan

source. profile by danneergou (丹尼二狗) for pentaq.

translator. this needs a little context - baolan is the former name of ig’s support, megan. i started translating this article when it first came out in january 2017 but got too busy to finish it. i think i’ve jokingly referred to it a few times as the ‘baolan manifesto’ since it’s so long and dense (and no one cares about him). since he’s been doing very well in playoffs, i thought i’d pick it up again since it’s a truly fascinating look at both him personally and the path new players take to the lpl.

Now, you can call him by a new name: Megan.

Ask anyone – playing botlane for IG is not an easy task, especially in 2016. That year, IG's botlane often changed: Rain, Kitties, Marge, Ben – even their starting midlaner Rookie was forced into playing ADC for a game. 'Finding a strong, reliable, promising botlane pair' is the conundrum IG's manager Su Xiaoluo has spent the spring and summer splits bitterly trying to solve.

At NEST at the year's end, IG allowed their fans hope for an answer – their 'Baolan + Jackeylove' botlane successfully helped their team defeat LGD and win the championship. Of these two, Jackeylove had long made his name as 'China's Best Draven' and 'High Elo KR SoloQ Player,' while the support Baolan was a new player who was born in 1999, only just jumped from TGA to LPL, and had barely played 10 matches in 2016.

On January 6th, we met this true newcomer in the IG team house. This unhappy rainy day, Baolan accepted our interview while on his bed, dressed in his IG uniform and wrapped in blankets. Perhaps because he'd never had this kind of one-on-one chat with a stranger before, Baolan spent most of his time with his head lowered, almost talking to himself. If we reached a subject he found interesting, he would show it with a simple smile or by speaking slightly louder.

An eighteen-year-old boy's story cannot be too complicated, and Baolan is no exception. He dropped out of school to play professionally, struggled bitterly in the TGA, seized the opportunity to come to the LPL, and in the even more furious competition desperately adapted to finally achieve his dreams.

'Dreams are that which can always excite you,' Baolan said to this journalist.

It sounded like his answer was describing a process, rather than a tangible result.

a childhood without worry.

Seventeen years ago, Baolan was born in Yingtan. This place is so tiny that without an detailed description, you wouldn't even know it's in Jiangxi Province. Before boarding that plane to Tianjin and embarking on the first step on his professional journey, Baolan lived, grew up, and spent his childhood here, as carefree as any other child.

'The air was very good there.' Baolan's description of Yingtan was minimalistic. Compared to the busy major city – Shanghai – now surrounding him, 'air quality' was the only exceptional trait he could bring up about his hometown.

Normally, there are two requirements for a glowing childhood: good grades and sensible parents. And it was just Baolan's luck that he lacked neither – in elementary school he always had exceptional grades, to the point where he didn't even have to do his homework to be the teacher's favorite and was always the center of attention among his peers; as for the other, he had the kind of mother almost every youth would wish to have.

This mother allowed her son to play games in netcafes in elementary school, and she even took on the responsibility of transporting him and his friends there. Her reasoning for this was exceedingly straightforward: 'Because his grades were good, I thought it wasn't an issue. If he wanted to play he could.' These words of course showed the love a mother has for a son, but also showed the progressiveness born of long years of business experience.

Under these circumstances, Baolan advanced smoothly into middle school. But the talent and intelligence he once had was not enough for the increasingly complex classes, and more importantly, he still didn't do his homework. His grades slipped, turning his childhood from 'glowing' to 'ordinary' and his good fortune to disaster.

'I was done.' Saying this, the expression on Baolan's face was like that of a toplaner who had just eked out a 10cs lead over his opponent before dying to a sudden gank and being forced to watch a wave of minions die to his tower.

Because of his grades and attitude towards learning, Baolan was exiled by his middle school teacher to the back row of class, like falling from the technologically advanced Piltover to the slums of Zaun. Suddenly, he realized he was between a rock and a hard place – on one hand, from Baolan's perspective, being in the last row was 'bad;' on the other hand, the frustration he had learning made it hard to muster the enthusiasm to regain his glory, and besides, he was starting to develop some nearsightedness and even seeing the blackboard from the back of the class was a hard task.

'I didn't want to be that kind of person, but I was at the back of the class. So I didn't interact much with either the good or the bad circles in class. It was very lonely.'

Most of the time, Baolan only spoke with his tablemate, and he wouldn't talk about games. Just like his distaste for the 'last row of class,' he thought games were a 'bad element' and not something students should talk about.

You could imagine that if Baolan's parents didn't have such a practical and effective discipline style – then having gone from 'genius' to 'loner,' he would have faced resentful scolding from his parents for failing to meet expectations. Luckily, his mother once again showed her consistently lenient and noble-minded ideas: 'If he's not good academically, then he should try something else.'

Baolan begin to search for a new path: go, piano, guitar, art … even the hulusi (t/n: a niche chinese instrument). Saying this, he mimicked a rather proper playing posture.

'My mother often said I needed to learn things. I tried practically everything, but I couldn't find a passion for any of it. When I saw something fun, I'd be briefly very enthusiastic and really want to learn it, but after a while I'd find it boring and give it up.' This persisted until he encountered League of Legends – the first thing that could make Baolan settle down and study it at length.

'At the time, only League of Legends could make me not give up halfway, and it had a very high skill ceiling.'

the abyss of the tga.

It's hard to imagine, but even though Baolan has already become a professional player, he still doesn't think playing video games counts as a proper career. When he goes home for the new year, he'll rarely bring up what he's currently doing to his relatives. In the beginning, he walked into this world simply to mediate his own loneliness.

When he first encountered League of Legends, Baolan would play every day, watch videos, and while losing think to himself, 'I shouldn't have played that so poorly.' At the time the ladder was ranked by MMR. 1200 points was the default; if you won you gained points and if you lost you lost points. At his lowest point, Baolan dropped to 800 points. 'Should've been bronze, that rank.'

When he thought he had stagnated, Baolan was suddenly re-inspired after watching highlights of the Korean support Madlife; this also decided which role he would main. 2012 happened to be the year Madlife first showed himself. This support's boundless genius led him to be called 'M-God' and his team MiG to be nicknamed 'Madlife is God.' After finding his first League of Legends idol, Baolan tried support and found his game ability increased immensely: even when winning a game would only give him 3LP, he went from Platinum V to Diamond V in a week, then reached Diamond I in another week, and finally Challenger.

'I didn't know then that you could decay from Challenger. I was so happy when I reached Challenger, but after seven days, I discovered I'd dropped back to Masters.' After that, Baolan left the Bandle City server for the first server, Ionia. At the same time, his sudden improvement showed Baolan an opportunity, and he decided to leave school, try a new path, and expand his horizons.

There are many ways to become a professional player, and the most 'straight-forward and easy' one is to join a TGA team and play with them in TGA (now known as City of Heroes), and go step-by-step to higher and higher levels of play: LSPL, LPL, Worlds. Of course, this requires you to have enough skill and luck.

In 2014, Snake fought their way from TGA to LSPL, then from LSPL entered the LPL. In 2016, IM promoted from LSPL to LPL, then from LPL made it to Worlds. This kind of 'success in many short hops' miracle seemed to be happening every day, but these 'good things' weren't guaranteed to happen to you. Survival bias tells us the 'dead' say nothing.

For the teams that participated in TGA, this is even more true. Every round of TGA includes more than thirty teams from all parts of the country; only two of them can join the LSPL. The high probability of elimination and the clustered matches made the TGA competition very cruel: perhaps some team would have just defeated a strong enemy, but within half a day, they'd have to face their own elimination from the tournament. For those who hoped to go pro, TGA was like a boundlessly deep sea they were trying to find a treasure in. It was just that difficult.

Of course, the inexperienced Baolan never considered this, and he quickly came to a decision. Thus, that mother who once brought her son to the net cafe to play games now sat with him on a plane from Jiangnan to Tianjin, where he joined a local team for a 3000 RMB salary.

What Baolan didn't expect was that just as quickly as his first professional journey began, it ended. For a few special reasons, the team Baolan joined in Tianjin disbanded quickly. Baolan didn't even have a chance to play in a proper match. Of Tianjin and that team, his only impression was being in a small house, unceasingly, unceasingly playing soloq.

That is the truth of many TGA teams: an owner with too much money to spend, players with only dreams and no skill, an organization that's only in it for fun, and an endless series of sorrows and joys, meetings and partings.

Afterwards, Baolan met Zoom. At the time, he was a part of a Ningbo team called BOE. Zoom took care of Baolan like a big brother and Baolan listened to everything he said. Afterwards, they also met Gear – a young man who had chased his dreams from Hong Kong to the mainland. The three quickly became friends so good you could say they 'wore the same pants.'

baolan's former 'big brother' - zoom.

'At the time, we thought the three of us could definitely get into the first division,' Baolan said very emphatically. But in actuality, Baolan didn't even have the chance to start on BOE, because 'that person (the starter) had a higher soloq rank than I did.'

Although the team's overall skill wasn't bad and it had his good friends, being entirely unable to play made Baolan anxious. At first, he thought, 'Doesn't matter, as long as I play well, I'll have the opportunity to start,' but the end result was: he, who had not played a single game with BOE, chose to leave, leaving Zoom and Gear behind, for a team that would let him play – a Hangzhou team, not too far from Ningbo, called MSC.

'From when I started with him (Zoom), I was always a sub, up until I left him and played a starting role for another team.' This departure was almost a means to 'prove himself.' In a team, players with close relationships are often very competitive, and by taking a starting position, Baolan hoped his own performance would tell his good friends Zoom and Gear: he, too, had the abilities of a starter.

the midlaner from hong kong - gear.

Instead, reality gave Baolan a vicious slap to the face. In that year's City of Heroes province-level competition, Hangzhou MSC encountered Ningbo BOE; Baolan met Zoom and Gear as opponents. In that match, toplaner Zoom played Darius, midlaner Gear played Lissandra, and they practically abused Baolan and his team 2v5. In that game, Zoom's Darius scored a pentakill.

After the game, MSC lost their chance to advance, and Baolan's spirits were low to the point where he didn't even say hello to his former teammates. 'After losing the game, I directly went back. That day it was raining, rain is the most tragic thing.' As he said this, a thin drizzle still fell outside the window.

Prepared to do whatever he could, Baolan circled back and forth in TGA for two years. In these two years, he went to Anhui, to Tianjin, to Hangzhou, to Ningbo. Every half year, he'd play in TGA; every half year, he'd lose.

But to him, no loss had as much of an impact on him as this one. Finally, after changing to yet another TGA team, Baolan couldn't take it any more. He stood in front of his boss and very steadfastly pronounced his feelings that he 'absolutely could not play any more TGA.'

After failing in the groups again, he hoped he could be recommended into the LPL. If he didn't have enough qualifications for that, LSPL would do.

'In all my years of playing TGA, every time I lost the boss would tell me: 'You're still young, you have to play TGA, practice harder, learn more.' Their words surely had some use for me, but I still felt...' Baolan stopped here. After a few moments of silence, he started talking to himself: 'Ah, there's not much to say. If I hadn't played so many years of TGA, perhaps I wouldn't be able to play in the LPL.'

Faced with the two years of his TGA career, it's hard for Baolan to not sink into this kind of ambivalent thinking. The unreliability of TGA and the difficulty of performing well always made it hard for him to find his confidence, but at the same time, he couldn't deny that those two years of chaotic fighting had helped him grow. Furthermore, he simply didn't want to look back on those years; his departure had an air of 'fleeing in panic' to it, because he 'just never wanted to experience again that feeling, that feeling of loss, that feeling that came every half year, that feeling of gambling.' Here, he used three descriptors in a row.

Luckily, he came to the LPL. Looking at how things have been going, everything is still okay.

the stress of the lpl.

LPL is the top-tier circuit in China. This place has the greatest exposure, the craziest fans, and the highest level of play; this place is every Chinese player's dream. For Baolan, who came from city-level competitions, being able to enter the LPL is very lucky. At the same time, he still missed how on the TGA stage, both sides' players would crazily yell 'Nice!'

In June 2016, at the beginning of the summer split, Baolan came to IG. Su Xiaoluo introduced him thus to the team's coach: 'This kid is not bad.' Because he wasn't old enough to participate in the LPL, Baolan was placed in IG's youth training team to practice and improve. At the time, IG's botlane issues were becoming increasingly serious. When Chris talked about that iteration of IG, he said that the Korean soloq king Rain was playing unreliably because there had been some problems in his family, and at the same time Kitties, who had been IG for a long time, was equally unreliable. To resolve that problem, Chris called in Tabe, hoping the competition would let Kitties return to form, but the final results were not exactly ideal. The roster changes and Tabe's inclusion caused the entire team to go through a trial-and-error phase, and they faced a lot of negative public opinion.

To IG, Baolan represented possibility; to Baolan, IG was his only chance. Before coming here, he had already thoroughly analyzed every LPL support.

'For some teams, I just didn't have a chance. VG's Caveman was a new player, and he wasn't too bad. There wasn't a chance EDG would lose Meiko, and LGD's Pyl had played with them for a long time.' Baolan used the most simple terms to approximate the chances he'd be able to start. In the end, IG was the choice where he had the 'highest chance of playing.'

For a young man who hadn't even hit 20, this kind of thought process was a little rigid. But it could undeniably find the best opportunity for a player to seize his already limited chances, and no matter what, it was very practical.

'Wherever I go, I give myself an objective. When I was in the TGA, I thought one TGA support was very good, so I would follow his soloq summoner name and check it every day to see how he'd climbed. When I went to MF's secondary team, I made the first team's support my objective. Every time I woke up and saw him, and I'd be motivated enough to play a whole day of ranked; then I'd go to bed very tired. For a while, I thought Tang Chi Sa's support Liu Qingsong (t/n: now Pinus) was very good, so I'd watch his ranked games every day and found he was really very good.' When Tang Chi Sa was relegated from LSPL, the support Lqs and his ADC Lwx showed up on Newbee's main roster, and these former TGA opponents once again met in the LPL. Like a sieve, LPL catches the best players in the secondary leagues and city-level competitions.

'Actually there are still very talented players in the TGA, but they haven't had an opportunity yet. I don't think I'm particularly talented – I'm just lucky.'

When talking about LPL's young support talent, EDG's Meiko is an unavoidable topic. From being discovered in the TGA to being moved to the LPL, to quickly meshing with EDG and becoming a top-tier support domestically, and then becoming winner of countless championships, winning MSI, becoming a part of the Worlds ranking... 'Meiko and I are about the same age, but I haven't even seen the glory he's received. If I'd call RNG's Ming someone I can look up to, then Meiko is a god.' When the topic of Meiko's almost legendary career was brought up, Baolan very naturally showed signs of envy.

'Of course there are some differences, but it's not just because I think he was lucky. He plays well, and on top of that he's lucky, so he can get what others cannot.'

'Will you take the initiative to go make friends with these players you respect?' this journalist asked.

'I'd prefer it if I can play well and then have people take the initiative to make friends with me,' Baolan replied.

July 24, 2016 – Baolan first entered the stage as IG's support; the ADC who joined him was Marge, and their opponents were Snake. In TGA circles, there was a popular saying: If you play in the LPL, if you're always a sub and don't have a chance to start, maybe you will never have the chance to start. If the team gives you a chance and it doesn't go well, you will never have a second chance.

'So, many players won't take the risk of playing in the LPL. They'd rather stay and keep playing in TGA,' Baolan said.

In the end, in that best-of-3, IG went 1-2 and lost in the end. At the end of the game, Baolan thought, 'It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It was like we were all still human.'

In the first game, Snake had an immense lead in the early-game. SofM's Graves straight-out bought a Runaan's Hurricane, but at 35 minutes in the game, IG took a teamfight and turned the game.

In the second game, both teams played a slower game, and at 29 minutes in, Snake took the game after gaining a teamfight advantage.

In the third game, Snake had a small advantage in the mid-game, and at 28 minutes in, miscommunication between the initiator and the carries caused IG to lose regrettably.

In the three games, Baolan played Braum support, and allowed Marge to successfully and safely farm in the botlane, so at the very least, he was not a liability.

After this set of games, Baolan played increasingly often until Jackeylove joined the team and IG's botlane went from 'regularly surviving' to 'able to get a few small advantages.'

'I want to prove with him that we're the best, but that will probably take time. We're a little competitive among ourselves and try to see who plays better.' On his lane partner Jackeylove, Baolan had this kind of assessment.

Besides Jackeylove, another teammate who had a close relationship with Baolan was their jungler Kid. Beginning with Baolan's arrival in IG, Kid, who shared a room with him, took on the role of an older brother, just like Zoom did in the past. 'I've never spent any money when I'm out with Kid. Every time, he'll pay for me and invite me to eat.' Of course, Kid also has his own problems – such as snoring really loudly when he sleeps.

'In the future I'll try to sleep earlier, or at least sleep before he does.'

In the two days before this interview, Baolan had gone through a few sleepless nights: during the day, he'd play ranked until very late, and at night he'd lie in bed and be unable to sleep, then wake up and play more. But the reason for this were not the loud noises from his roommate, but rather that he was seeing the goals ahead of him.

'Because Ming has more LP than I do, a lot more, one or two hundred. So in the past few days I've been feeling like I can't sleep, like I have a rock in my chest. Yesterday I finally accomplished my goal and had 2LP more than he did. That night I slept very well.'

After all, he's still understandably a new player, and in the LPL, the stress is unending. In the new 2017 season, Baolan changed his summoner ID: Megan.

epilogue: those who are eternally in conflict.

Like Baolan, Zoom and Gear found their own ways out. The one regret is – they never managed to make it out of TGA by playing.

Zoom went to MF in the LSPL, where he was called the 'strongest toplaner.' After MF merged with WY and changed names, he once again appeared on the 2017 LSPL stage as the toplaner for DS.

Gear left the mainland, and went back to the LMS to join HKE (Hong Kong Esports). There, after one season (Summer 2016), he continued to play as their starting midlaner in 2017.

Baolan came to IG, putting on an entirely different uniform and picking up new teammates. When you become stronger, it's impossible to not leave your current environment. This requires you to say goodbye to many of the people you don't want to leave; this is a conflict.

But doesn't every young person live in this kind of contradiction?

To Baolan, the contradictions in his heart are not just those. He used to believe that 'those who look strong should be really strong,' but now he feels 'those who don't look that good might be truly good.' For example, he brought up SKT's ADC, Bang. Because he 'was in Faker's shadow, it's rare for people to say Bang is very good, and there are very few people who discuss him, but he always plays very well.'

On the other hand, he always desires a few external, self-serving things, like the recognition of others and fans. In fact, when he was analyzing the support players of each LPL team, 'popularity' was something he paid heavy attention to. 'I feel like veteran LPL players are not likely to be swapped out, perhaps because of their fans, or maybe it's because they're the core of the team and can't be changed.'

Whether it's better to be 'someone who looks good,' or “someone who doesn't look very good, but is very good,' Baolan didn't have any answers.

But a fish and a bear's paw cannot coexist, and he will eventually face this kind of choice. Of course, this is something every young person will encounter.

At the end, this journalist asked Baolan, 'If you weren't playing professionally, what would you want to do?'

'I would want to be a waiter, I think waiters are good people. When we go to The Bund to eat, I always feel like waiters are very impressive people, they can always give you what you need the most, and their attitudes are very good.' This kind of answer is very unusual, to the point of being somewhat nonsensical.

But this at least proves that Baolan is very young and still very childish. He still hasn't experienced the kind of life-or-death battle between WE and IM, he hasn't had to struggle in relegations like OMG, he hasn't left the domestic stage like EDG and battled for the world championship.

But when these 'hasn't yet' eventually turn into reality, I believe Baolan will have even more stories for people to tell.

editor's note.

At 'The Hero's Heart' competitive event (t/n: donation event), we saw IG, who were just coming back from winning NEST. Their manager, Su Xiaoluo, mentioned that they hoped we would interview IG's young player Baolan.

When we talked about why, Su Xiaoluo said, 'As a manager, the most common question many young players will talk to me about is salary and benefits. When he tried out for IG and played a few competitive matches, Baolan's salary was actually very small. After NEST ended, I brought up giving him a raise, but he didn't seem to care about this, and told me 'I came here to play.''

When he was 14 and League of Legends first showed up in his life, he chose this professional path, and without even hitting 17 he'd played two years of city-level competitions. In IG's weakest moments, he joined the team as a rookie, rich with potential and yet very young. As a manager, in this impulsive time, to find such a pure player in the generation of young players is a very lucky thing.

As we walked into Baolan's world, we discovered not only his pure love for the occupation, but also the loneliness and confusion so common with young people.

The biggest difference between young esports players and regular students comes from the different people they meet at this most critical point of life, and the way they understand society is different from that of those who go through school before walking into society. Compared to Baolan's chance to become a superstar, we're more interested in how these young players can find their identity in esports.

The experience of spending two years in TGA without any results can make someone ashamed to talk about their job to their relatives and make them call video games a 'bad thing.' The strength of other players in the same team can cause someone to undertake absurd training burdens; Ming's ladder position can cause them to not sleep at night, but instead wake up and chase LP; Meiko's professional journey can make them lonely, yet unable to take the initiative to meet these other players, instead hoping to prove themselves and have them want to meet him.

Before leaving, I noticed on the desk in the IG base, there was a copy of Salinger's Catcher in the Rye. The book describes how the 16-year-old protagonist, Holden, was born in an affluent middle-class family, but after being expelled from school for the fourth time, began to go into the world of adults and discovered the hypocrisy of this world. His idealism made him cynical, but he had to make compromises to continue to survive, making his life always in the midst of contradictions.

Abusinesswoman mother and the complicated feelings he had in this new world are just a few similarities between the real Baolan and the novel's protagonist, Holden. I don't know which fan sent this book to be signed by Baolan, but for this book to appear here, there's something to think about.

The road forward is long, and I hope this professional career will give him all he seeks, and teach him the truth of life.

[p-assionlove]

While rewatching shinhwa’s 10th anniversary concert, i really feel as if i have been with them to support them since starting though i only started to really like them not long ago.(around last year etc) Actually, i have heard lots of songs from them without knowing it’s their song since i used to follow c-pop during my primary school times. (like Perfect man in MVP Lover (lol used to watch idol dramass~~), remake chinese version of their “hey come on” and i think 5566 also remake one of their song if i’m not wrong. lol old times.. when taiwan idols was the trend lol~) 

And i think the first time i know shinhwa was around 2008, which i started with Suju (lol, suju was my first biased group before i completely didn’t touch kpop after 2010-2011 etc, cos’ i find kpop songs to be so generic and boring.. imo and during that time was the boom of the 2nd gen group, which i find it too much... LIKE THERE’S TOO MANY GROUPS TO RMB 😨😨)  and i actually like Andy (cos’ of WGM haha) as he was really super nice and good to his virtual wife. But i didn’t really research a lot cos’ i only watch a few clips and WGM honestly is not my thing.. Haha then moving on, when i was like not really into kpop, but i still watch some kpop variety shows (as a 2nd gen fan, i kind of missed those variety shows that has lots of idols interacting, like Suju, SHINee, 2am,2pm, SNSD etc~) and when my sis was still a SHINee fan, she watched the Shinbang Episode with SHINee and that’s how i found out about Shinhwa more xD Then i also watched Shinbang episode with Suju, which makes me ROFL, and to this day, i still remember Yesung’s imitation of Eric’s rap in T.O.P 😂😂😂 

But during that time (i think around 2011 etc), i was quite out of kpop and due to my school and also band, i focus more on other genre music (quite a band geek too, so haha) and also not as crazy as i was in the beginning when i stan Suju (now i still like them, but not as much, since some of their music don’t appeal to me, but i like their latest release which is “Devil” haha, i feel that’s quite good.) But good thing is that when i stan Suju, i think i’m still immature that i done lots of stupid stuffs (lol who doesn't... i still feel like crawling into a hole to hide when i see the stuffs i wrote in the past... 😱😱😱😱) , so now when i came back into kpop scene, i actually start by Shinbang again and somehow... just fall into their charm haha. (on a side note, it seems like i’m going back in time...like Suju got me into kpop, then shinhwa got me back into kpop again LOL) 

And this time, i was a casual fan at first. (like i enjoy their variety show etc, watch all of their old variety shows etc~). But whats make me decided to become SHCJ is cos’ of the SHCJ. I love the relationship between SHCJ + Shinhwa :) I enjoyed reading those fan accounts which makes me feel that they’re one family, a love-hate relationship haha :) 

I think it’s really cool that shinhwa keep their promise to SHCJ on 10th anniversary (Actually... I WATCHED THAT WGM EP BEFORE, AND AFTER THAT I DON’T RMB WHY I DIDN’T SEARCH THEM TT_TT ). And i really envy their friendship :) And I can really feel that they’re sincere and now, one of my wish is to attend their concert live. (Usually, i’m not fan of pop concert since i worked backstage in few concerts before, as sound crew haha... though it was amazing to listen to live singers, it just give me a bad memory since i have to clean up the place after event.. definitely 😨, some people are just so inconsiderate!!! ) 

So, what i feel is that, even if the members are married, shouldn't we give them our blessing and hope they will continue their activities even when they’re married? (i mean.. for me, i really feel so good if they found a loved one to take care of them, since from watching their shows... and esp. dongwan (since i really want him not to feel lonely.. and find someone that appreciate him and his hobby. Yes, it’s hard for girls as usually in a relationship, you would want attention from your bf, but i feel there will be girls like that, to give space to each other?)

 Honestly, from what i been looking around in forums, and tweets, about the marriage, there will always be fans who are unsupportive.. or trolls trying to ride on this to create more hates. 

(it’s true, it’s from my personal experience.. used to be a hater of GG, because it’s a blind hate. Like people tend to post these hates stuffs, and about the black ocean etc, that time was really a mess. But after being bashed (i’m quite cool to say this cos’ i admit that i’m wrong haha, and after like watching few of their shows, i really like them on variety shows compared to the rest of girl groups.. haha, personal opinion 😅), i started to realised that hate is really a scary thing. Like media tend to write clickbait articles to create more hype and people trying to spread this hate like ???, and hurting those celebrities more. I’m sure it’s a constructive criticism, it will be okay but if it’s one with just head-on bash, i think it’s really low. and esp those that target their family members, it shows how this person’s mind is really yucks. As a celebrity/performer, of course you need to have a strong-minded personality to take on these, so is it a blessing that people got famous or is it a curse that you got famous? nobody knows. Of course as a performer, a musician, we would want people to acknowledge... maybe it’s just the pride, and self-ego. Okay, i’m going too far.. but i’m just thinking of this cos’ i’m a musician myself, i still play in band.. but sometimes, i feel so weak cos’ i don’t dare to take a risk to further my dream. And also in this risk, it’s quite hard here because the art scene here is not stable, and i can’t really afford to go for it due to my family’s financial issue. But i will just continue do what i like etc. okay, going too far, back to topic. 

But i feel they will still have fans that are supportive, and it’s a larger number of us :) and another personal wish was to see all of the shinhwa members to get married, bring their wives (is it too much to ask for? xD) and their children in the concert... like wouldn’t it be cool?! like some SHCJ bring their children (and sometimes their husband LOL) to see them, so now it’s the other way round? And about the shincom thing etc, yes, it feels like it’s a list of reason for them to hate... (same with those who got married... i’m really tired of this :( like Sungmin... about those things that they accused him of, i think it’s really to do with this fandom culture. It’s so toxic... and because of this thing called “greed”, there’s nothing to stop about this.) Like... are they a product of yours? Yes, in a whole nutshell, celebrities, idols are selling their image, their talents, their face, but this has been taking too far. 

From olden days, as a composer/performer/singers etc, people like your works and appreciate all these, that’s why there will be music lovers or now what we called “fans” to support them. And that’s why there’re rarely cases of fans getting so crazy because their favourite musician got married. But the thing with idol/k-singers is different.... but sometimes, i also find it bit ambiguous, like for example, Sung Sikyung is a ballad singer, and i saw in one article before that the reason why he’s scared of getting married is cos’ of his fans, i was kind of shocked to see why... i mean like he’s selling his talent, his singing.. why his fans wouldn't let him get married..? (though on a personal note.. at first i was wondering if he’s homosexual... Sorry if that offends anyone 😅 but if he is, then i really hope one day society would be open up about this.. though this is a whole different thing that i might write next time... *NOT about him.. i mean about lgbt lol.) 

And from what i feel, i think shinhwa as a group did not really promote these thinking that they’re single etc... like lol, hasn't they been always dating openly? haha, and also dongwan’s famous quote -”Shinhwa is not responsible for your life”, so it definitely draw a line haha. (side note: i know there’re also dongwan anti-fans, which lol, they definitely did not see how real he is. I mean yes, he like to show off his car on show, so what? if i have such a nice car, of course i want to show off, LOL, don’t get it that people saying celebrities are living such a luxury life, but people need to get it that this is their job and they deserved it.In another sense, they are like spreading the arts and providing entertainment for people,giving back to the society.) And maybe except when dongwan was on ILA, you guys do know sometimes he just like to jokes around right... lol, about the Shinhwa solitary, honestly i think he’s just being a netizen kim LOL, as i mentioned in front, i definitely don’t want him to stay alone T_T 

So don’t need to be sad even if Eric or any members are getting married, instead be excited that they will go on till maybe on their 60s etc (hey, there’re still bands & artists/musicians around 50s/60s that rock those concerts, why can’t they? although i’m worried about their joints, so i hope they go to get more acupuncture/treatment and get more rest to stay healthy! and .. try to cut down on smoking.. 😓😓 esp if they want to have a healthy baby...) , and bring us more nice music or variety shows haha. Like you can always be delulu a bit to imagine they are yours during promotion period, HAHAHA. (but must cut down, for the sake of their dear wives~ and be respectful too.. i actually saw a comment that some fans are leaving hate message on Hyemi’s insta (i can’t find her Instagram so i can’t really confirm this lol) which i find it so unnecessary.. like just don’t be butthurt about it..😰😰 but i really find her pretty though, i wished they have a healthy honeymoon baby too~~ so Eric’s son/daughter will be the eldest again HAHA😝😝) 

So long for a post, lol just personal thoughts etc. 

[jjkfire]

Wrapped Around; pt. 2.5

Jimin x Reader x Tae // College!AU // 3990 words

Summary: Freshman year was a mess and sophomore year doesn’t seem to be looking too good either. You know boys like them are no good for you but maybe they’re just your kind of type

Genre: Fluff, Smut

A/N: wow I’m so bad at updating, I’m so sorry ahahah. This is a small portion bc I needed to split up what I’ve already written and I’m not sure when I’ll finish the actual part 3 bc I have mid-terms next week! I feel super bad for making y’all wait so... this is roughly (4000/11000 words i’ve written). It ain’t much but ya know don’t hate me pls haha.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Previously...

You run your hands up and down your neck in horror as you see matching dark marks on your neck. What are these? Who did this? Just what the fuck happened last night? Did fucking Jimin— Son of a bitch.

You run to your door, pulling it open hurriedly just so you can catch him but Jimin had made a quick escape.

You slam the door shut, searching instead for your phone. You call him once, twice and he doesn’t pick up… which is odd since he’s practically glued to his phone like all the time. You let out an annoyed groan and settled on texting him instead, fingers furiously tapping at the screen as you typed out your message.

[1:09] You: Jimin what the fuck happened last night?

[1:09] You: how am I even going to hide these marks?

[1:09] You: why couldn’t you just keep your nasty mouth to yourself?

[1:10] You: answer me asshole

[1:10] You: I know you’re reading these

[1:10] You: you’re on your damn phone all the time when we’re doing the quizzes

You wait 5, 10, 15 minutes and there’s still no reply. You go to the bathroom for a quick shower and run to your phone immediately after getting dressed and still no reply. You examine the marks once again and you rest your head on the wall, grumbling at yourself for having too much alcohol the night before.

Even with a scarf, you couldn’t cover the marks that ran all the way to your jawline. You apply a generous amount of foundation and concealer, hoping to hide the petals of blue and purple but you could still see a hint of colour even after slathering on what seems like almost half the bottle of foundation onto your neck. Frustrated, you simply shove the last of your belongings into your bag and make your way to the library.

The throbbing headache you had made it very difficult for you to concentrate on the books you had in front of you. Despite sleeping till 1 pm, you still felt exhausted and you promise yourself to never have that much alcohol again. You sigh, this was starting to sound like what you used to tell yourself every week last semester.

After finishing the last section of your lab report, you allow yourself to take a quick 20-minute nap because honestly you could barely keep your eyes open anyway. You check your phone again, you’re still waiting on Jimin’s reply but your lock screen still comes up blank. Placing your phone to the side, you sink down comfortably into your chair and rest your head on your arms. You will your mind to remember the events of last night but the moment you shut your eyes, you simply drift to sleep.

Your night comes back to you in the form of tiny flashes, simple snippets, each one making you regret the night more and more. The short flashbacks are not in order and it isn’t enough for you to build a coherent timeline of what was your exciting Friday night but they were truly enough to make you feel like flinging yourself across the room.

Drink, bitches!!!

You remember challenging your friend to a drinking contest, downing way too many shots of tequila. You’re surprised you hadn’t thrown up at all or perhaps you did and you didn’t remember. If that’s the case then good, at least you had one less reason to hate yourself for going overboard last night.

Fuck, Y/N I love it when you wear this dress

You remember the god awful dance contest you had with Taehyung which ended with the both of you practically dry humping each other on the dancefloor. You cringe at that memory and mentally add tequila to the list of drinks to never drink again. Your hand absentmindedly runs over the marks on your neck. So that’s who gave you these. You lightly rest your forehead on the table, the feeling of pure embarrassment running through your body. It’s alright, you hope Taehyung doesn’t remember any of this. Even if he does, the both of you will do what you guys always do, pretend it never happened.

You’re too drunk, you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into

You remember straddling Jimin, nipping harshly at his neck as your hands ran down the expanse of his body. You remember trying to unbuckle his belt and him stopping you. Oh God. You shake your head furiously, trying to forget the rest of it and now you wished you hadn’t tried to remember what had happened last night at all.

You check your phone, going through your camera roll to delete at least 50 blurry pictures (most of which are just pictures of your feet or the floor to be honest) of last night, wanting absolutely no reminders of the train wreck that you were. You stop scrolling midway when you remember the texts you sent Jimin just a few hours ago and you repeatedly hit your head on the table in frustration after reading what you had sent him.

Jimin is never going to let you live this one down, you know he isn’t… so, you send him a few more texts hoping that he would turn a blind eye to the events of last night. Basically, you were hoping for a miracle.

[3:27] You: nvm I think I rmb what happened last night

[3:27] You: im… sorry

[3:27] You: let’s just pretend last night didn’t happen

[3:27] You: yeah?

[3:27] You: yeah

[3:28] You: thanks

[3:28] You: u da best

You put away your phone partly because you needed to get back to studying but mostly because this time you’re dreading to see his reply. Systematically, you work down your to-do list, slowly ticking things off as you completed each assignment. 

When you tick of the final task, you look up to see that the sun was already setting. You gather your belongings, pushing them into your bag as you mentally pat yourself on the back for getting all that work done despite the killer hangover you were experiencing at the moment.

Walking back to your residence hall, you pull out your phone and your heart drops when Jimin’s name graces your lock screen. You tap on the message notification hesitantly, not really wanting to know what his reply was because knowing him, it’s probably some smart ass comment.

[3:42] Jimin: apology not accepted asshole

[3:42] Jimin: what am I going to do about the marks on my neck hmm?

[3:42] Jimin: and no, I want to discuss last night

[3:42] Jimin: because man

[3:42] Jimin: didn’t know you were that into me nerd

You practically snort aloud when you read his reply. Ugh, this cocky son of a bitch.

[6:30] You: wow

[6:30] You: im not into you doucheface

[6:31] You: I was drunk

You type the rest of your message with one hand as you pull open the door to your residence hall, pausing in the lobby to fully type out a message to defend yourself.

“You know, they say drunk actions are sober thoughts.”

You jump in shock upon hearing Jimin’s voice and he laughs as he skips down the last few steps of the stairs. What kind of luck was this? To get back at exactly the same time he was leaving? It was like the universe just wanted to watch you die from embarrassment. You clear your throat and push your phone into your pocket, trying to appear indifferent… as if seeing him in front of you didn’t make you feel like hiding in a hole.

“Who said that?” You snort. “I call bullshit… so yeah no, not into you.”

“That’s funny,” He laughs, standing in front of you with his arms crossed, staring down at you. “You tried unbuckling my pants… twice… I would say that meant you pretty much wanted me.”

Your cheeks heat up upon hearing the sentence. You’re very aware of what had happened last night but hearing him say it out loud just made it worse.

“I was drunk,” You sigh. “You know drunk? As in was not thinking straight? Anyway, I’m not me when I’ve had tequila okay?”

“Excuses, excuses,” He says dismissively. “You don’t have to—“

“Look can we just stop talking about this, please?” You ask, gaze fixed on the floor because you don’t think you can look him in the face right now.

“No,” He smiles.

You groan in annoyance, gaze still fixed downwards as you choose to walk past him and through the set of doors that led to the rooms on the first floor of your dorm. Jimin follows closely behind you, clearly enjoying how uncomfortable this situation was for you.

“Aw nerd,” He giggles. “Are you feeling down? Because I can feel you up,” He smirks.

“Gross,” You say as you roll your eyes at him. “Do girls actually respond to that?”

“Yes they do, thank you very much,” He answers snobbishly. “Don’t worry nerd, I’ve got one that’s more your style.”

“And what exactly is my style?”

He clears his throat, a devious smirk on his face and you already know you’re not going to enjoy this at all.

“Can I be your enzyme? Because my active site is dying for a chemical reaction.”

“Christ, that was horrible,” You scoff, shaking your head in distaste.

“Maybe you’d like something more specific?”

“Nope, please just don’t,” You say putting your index finger to his lips to make him stop.

“I wish I was the enzyme helicase so I can unzip your genes.”

You purse your lips, trying not to let your smile show but Jimin knows better. He wags his eyebrows at you and you bring your hand up to your mouth, adding an awkward cough because you didn’t want him to think this was actually working.

“Oh my god, I’m going to barf,” You say, feigning disgust. “I’m just— yeah no,” You say with finality as you begin to walk away from him.

“I’m not done yet! Come back here!” You hear him shout, his heavy footsteps echoing down the hallway as he tries to catch up and you pick up speed, hoping to reach your door soon.

He chases after you, holding you in a light headlock when he reaches you and you giggle as you try to get him to release you.

“Jimin, stop!” You say between laughs as you claw at his arms. “I don’t want to hear another one.”

“But I saved the best one for last!” He laughs in return and you cover your ears with your hands, hoping to spare yourself from another one of his cringe-worthy lines.

He giggles, using his free hand, he pulls your hand away from your ear so he could whisper his final line.

“If I was an endoplasmic reticulum? How would you want me? Rough or smooth?”

You bite down on your bottom lip, trying to stifle a laugh but you can’t help it this time. He stares at your face and you look away, biting down on your lip harder in an effort to hold in your laughs as best as you can.

Your stifled laughs comes out in the form of cute snorts instead and you burst out in laughter soon after along with Jimin. He releases you in favour of wiping his own tears of laughter away and the two of you stand there, cracking up again each time the laughter starts to die out.

“Okay, not gonna lie but that one was pretty smart,” You say, laughing through your nose. “Is this what you do with your intro bio knowledge? Make greasy ass pick-up lines?”

He nods proudly, smiling down at you suggestively and you scowl at him.

“Anyway, I hope to God you don’t actually use those lines because they were atrocious.”

“Don’t lie nerd… You liked them and you know it,” He winks.

“Did not.”

“Did too!”

At this point, you’ve had enough so you only roll your eyes at him. You were simply too lazy to argue with him so you wave your hand at him dismissively as you begin to walk away. He smiles to himself, taking large steps to catch up to you.

“So…” He begins. “Smooth or rough? You didn’t answer,” He says with a smug look on his face.

You stop in your tracks and Jimin bumps into you lightly. He wags his eyebrows at you again when you turn to face him, amused that his tactics were working on you. You smile innocently before you step closer towards him, inching forward at an achingly slow pace. Two can play this game. Why should he have all the fun?

You hum and furrow your eyebrows slightly, pretending that you were actually thinking about the answer to his question. Jimin’s smirk widens, he didn’t think you’d actually tell him but if you were going to, he sure didn’t mind. You rest your body on his slightly, resting one hand on his shoulder while letting your index finger trail suggestively down the middle of his chest. You look up to see that smug smile of his suddenly disappear and you let the edges of your lips curl up into a smirk.

His eyes were now wide and lips pulled taut as he watched your every move with interest. You laugh internally at the sight. Who knew he’d be this easy to mess with? You move closer and you see Jimin still completely, his hands twitching nervously at his side.

He watches as you tilted your head to the side, your cheek barely touching his. He opens his mouth to say something, to ask you what you were doing but he felt his mind go completely blank when your fingers curled around the side of his neck softly.

You felt him shiver as your lips ghost the shell of his ear and you smirked, knowing full well that you had rendered him speechless. You hover above his ear, watching him grow increasingly impatient and confused.

Just when Jimin finally got his brain to build a coherent sentence, he feels your hot breath against his ear as you whisper your answer.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” You ask before you pull away to wink at him.

You almost laugh at the expression on his face and you wonder if this is what you had looked like earlier in the day when he had said the same thing to you. You walk away from him, fully expecting him to run up to you to reply with a witty comment but when you turn back, you see him standing there, completely stunned and you laugh once again. Looks like the resident playboy wasn’t as suave as everyone made him out to be.

“I’ll see you around,” You say, waving him goodbye and you see him wave his middle finger at you with a sarcastic smile on his face. You smile, returning the gesture towards him before you disappear into your room. 

In the comfort of your room, you pat yourself on your back, a large smile on your face. Rendering Jimin speechless was truly a feat considering how he’d never stop talking once the sleazy part of him decides to appear. You smiled to yourself, it felt good to finally put him in his place, to give him a taste of his own medicine. Maybe he’d think twice before he tried anything on you again.

Physics, physics, physics. The bane of your existence. Your mind drifts in and out of lecture and you focus just in time to catch your lecturer writing down a new formula on the board. You’re not sure why you choose to sit in the first few rows if you never really pay attention to the lecture anyway. Actually, you’re not sure why you even choose to attend this lecture in the first place if you gained nothing out of it in general. Perhaps it made you feel better, like attending a boring lecture in itself was already an accomplishment.

When the bell rings and the professor rushes through his closing remarks, you finally snap back to reality. The sound of collective rustling urges you to begin packing your belongings too and so you do, dropping things into your bag at a snail like pace. As you put away your stationary slowly, you see Jimin making his way down the row to where you were sitting out of the corner of your eye.

“Nerd, can I see your notes later I—“

“Oh hey guys!” Jinyoung, one of the guys in your discussion section greets. His smile quickly fades and he narrows his eyes before pointing at the both of you. “Wait, hold up…” He says as he scrutinizes the marks on your neck and you tug your turtleneck higher, trying to hide them. “Ayy, looks like the both of you finally did it,” He laughs and you look over to see that Jimin hadn’t even bothered to wear a scarf to shield his neck from prying eyes.

“Oh my god, no,” You laugh as you wave your hands about in disagreement. “It’s really not what you think.”

“She’s right,” Jimin says, nodding and you exhale a sigh of relief, glad that he hadn’t decided to say anything stupid this time. “Whatever you think happened… think the same but 10x kinkier,” He smirks.

Son of a bitch

“Wait, what??”

“Nice!” Jinyoung exclaims as he nods approvingly. You watch as Jinyoung fist bumps Jimin and holds out his hand to high five you. You smack it away immediately.

“No! what the hell Jimin? Stop telling lies!”

“Lies?” He asks. “So are you saying this isn’t your handiwork?” He questions while pointing to the marks on his neck.

“I-I… ok fine yes that was me but this wasn’t you and—“

“No way,” Jinyoung interrupts, eyes wide and mouth agape, completely amazed. “So it was a threesome?”

Jimin merely winks and the boy high fives him. You put your hand in the way, attempting to stop them and Jimin is practically snorting at how flustered you looked at this moment.

“No, that’s not—“ You begin, trying hard to deny his statement but you stop mid-sentence, deciding instead to just sink into your seat because it wasn’t worth your time to try and disprove Jimin’s statement. You lick your lips in frustration and scoff at the situation, choosing only to continue packing your bag before walking out of the lecture hall. Jimin calls you by his endearing nickname for you but you ignore him, adjusting the straps on your backpack before turning around to leave.

Jimin chases after you, tugging you backwards by your bag just before you reach the exit of the lecture hall.

“Look, I’m sorry nerd,” He frowns. “It was just a joke, Jinyoung knows that.”

“Yeah, yeah,” You say dismissively.

He turns you around to peer at your face and you simply frown at him.

“I mean it though, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I know,” You sigh. “I’m not upset… it’s just been a long day and I’m just being moody, sorry.”

“No, I mean I—“

“Listen, I have to go right now,” You interrupt as you glance at your phone to look at the time. “I’ll see you around yeah?” You say as you begin walking away from him. He hears you shout another quick sorry and he’s left standing there, feeling bad about how he had probably made your day worse.

Jimin doesn’t see you for the rest of the week and the weekend too. He feels horrible and he’s worried that he’d totally blown it with that stupid joke. He sends you a few texts to apologize again for it but you reply with smileys telling him it’s totally fine and that you really were just having a bad day that day. Over text, he can’t tell if you’re lying like you always do when you say ‘I’m fine’.

[4:37] You: Hey, I can’t make it to quiz night tomorrow because I have a group project ):

[4:37] You: But I’ve done the quiz and I sent you the answers through email

[4:37] You: At least attempt it yourself before looking at the answers yeah?

[4:42] Jimin: Lame… ditch the group project

[4:42] Jimin: You know I’m more fun to hang out with

[4:42] Jimin: Jk but thanks for the answers and yeah of course I’ll attempt the quiz myself first

[4:43] Jimin: Who do you think I am?

[4:43] You: You’re Jimin which means you’d try to get away with doing the least amount of work possible

[4:43] Jimin: Rude

[4:43] Jimin: Completely untrue

[4:43] Jimin: I’m quite possibly the most studious person you know

[4:45] You: Sure, whatever you say haha

[4:45] Jimin: It’s true ok

[4:45] Jimin: But seriously thanks for the answers

Jimin’s thumbs hover over the enter button as he contemplates sending out his next few sentences. He didn’t want you to think he was too concerned about you, because he wasn’t or at least that’s what he told himself.

Sighing, he locks his screen and sets down his phone. He looks away for a second then exhales a frustrated huff before picking it back up immediately to send the messages anyway.

[4:48] Jimin: Also nerd

[4:48] Jimin: You sure you’re alright?

[4:48] Jimin: Don’t work yourself too hard yeah?

[4:49] You: Haha I’m fine doucheface, don’t worry

I’m fine

He sighs as he reads those two words.

I’m fine, you’d always say when he asked if you were alright but he knew that you weren’t. You weren’t taking care of yourself, he could see that clearly. You had shed a few pounds since the beginning of the semester and the eye bags under your eyes seemed to grow darker with every time he saw you. He often hears you shift uncomfortably in your sleep, whining to yourself under your breath and he holds you tighter hoping that somehow he could help lull you to sleep but he knows that doesn’t work. You needed to talk it out but you always brushed him away. You never wanted to talk about the state of your mental health, that you had made clear to him. You had shot down every attempt Jimin had made at asking you about how you were truly feeling so, he only nods understandingly and bites back the comments that were waiting on the tip of his tongue.

The second week comes around and before he could catch you at the end of lecture, you disappear out of the hall. Never mind, I’ll see her at discussion, he tells himself but you never showed. He shouldn’t be this worried. He really shouldn’t be concerned when you’ve told him multiple times now that you were alright but he can’t seem to shake off the feeling of uneasiness that sat uncomfortably at the bottom of his chest when he thought about you.

He takes longer naps in your room, hoping to catch you when you come back from your classes but he never finds you there. He even decided to do his homework in your room, falling asleep after watching the latest episode of that Netflix show that the both of you usually watched together. He didn’t quite enjoy the episode even though it was as exhilarating as the others. It just didn’t feel quite right… watching it without you.

In the morning, he wakes up to find that you hadn’t returned to your room and he frowns to himself because you had probably slept over at the library again. He wonders if he should search the library for you later and drag you back to your room. If you continued like this, you would probably crash and burn before the end of the semester.

For someone who was just a friend quiz partner, he definitely worried about you a bit too much. God, he hated how you occupied most of his thoughts half the time. He pushed himself hard at training that day, wanting his mind to stop worrying about you but as soon as he steps out of the boathouse, his mind drifted back to the thought of you. To put it quite frankly, he misses you and that was a problem because he really shouldn’t be. You were meant to be someone he’d use to get good grades and if all went according to plan, you were going to be a simple hump and dump but hell, he hadn’t even slept with you yet and he was already so hung up on you.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

A/N: love my bio nerd jokes pls. took a lot of brain power to incorporate them. p.s: this is like 100% unedited, forgive me. FORGIVE ME.

[comebeforegod]

A Life Spent Seeking Money Is Not Happy

By Su Meng

As the saying goes, “Money isn’t everything, but without it, you can do nothing.”

 Countless people struggle hard for money and live according to this saying all their lives. They are just like a machine that operates at full speed and keeps running unceasingly until it breaks. From ancient times to the present, one generation after the other, wave upon wave of them have chased wealth in this way. Why do we regard money as such a big thing? Can we really attain happiness by having money? If this were indeed the case, then why do so many rich men live in suffering, and some of them even lose their lives for money?

Once, I saw a passage of God’s words, “People spend their lives chasing after money and fame; they clutch at these straws, thinking they are their only means of support, as if by having them they could keep on living, could exempt themselves from death. But only when they are close to dying do they realize how distant these things are from them, how weak they are in the face of death, how easily they shatter, how lonely and helpless they are, with nowhere to turn. They realize that life cannot be bought with money or fame, that no matter how wealthy a person is, no matter how lofty his or her position is, all people are equally poor and inconsequential in the face of death. They realize that money cannot buy life, that fame cannot erase death, that neither money nor fame can lengthen a person’s life by a single minute, a single second.”

God’s words made me suddenly see the light: Money and fame, which we chase after our whole lives, can only satisfy the temporary desires of our flesh and bring material enjoyments to us, but cannot provide us with a lovely final destination. When death comes upon us, money cannot exempt us from death. At that moment, I couldn’t help but think about the life of my father-in-law. In his childhood, his family was very poor, so all his neighbors looked down on him and also spoke to him very sarcastically. In order to stand up for himself and not let others look down their noses at him, after getting married he became very hard-working and diligent. No matter how arduous and tiring the work was, he would do it, and he would also risk his life and accept dangerous work. Later, through his hard work, he earned some money and held a grand wedding for each of his three sons. From then on, everyone in the village gave him the thumbs-up. He said, “It’s great to have money. After having it, I can stand up for myself, and the neighbors also say hello to me. This is so wonderful.” Money had taken over his heart, and he accepted the maxims: “Money makes the world go round,” and “Without money one is unable to take a single step forward” even more. The three sons of my father-in-law all established their own households and started their own careers, and they were all very filial. My in-laws were thus not worried about food or clothing, and moreover, they had savings of more than 100,000 RMB. However, my father-in-law was not at all satisfied with his current circumstances. He was more than sixty years old but still worked as hard as he could to earn money, and he didn’t even take leave from work when he felt unwell. We all tried to persuade him to do so, but he said, “I must save more money. Then when I get older and fall ill, I won’t be afraid. As long as I have money, I will have something to rely on.”

Some time ago, he was in poor condition, so his sons and daughters all asked him to go to the hospital for an examination, but he was stubborn and kept putting off going to see the doctor. I couldn’t help trying to persuade him, “Is money more important than life?” He answered, “Money is a good thing. Money means everything. It isn’t okay to not have money.” A few days later, he really couldn’t stand the pain in his chest, and only then did he go to hospital for an examination. The results showed that he had terminal lung cancer. On hearing the news, I stood there for a long time and felt extremely sad and awful. I thought: “The day before, he firmly said that he would still carry on earning money. However, today, what does he feel like in his heart when he thinks about the diagnosis? Seeing that life is so fragile and that my father-in-law could die at any moment, my heart felt stirred, and I thought to myself, “My father-in-law has struggled to make money. However, no matter how much he has earned, it can’t save his life. Then, what is the point of his money? Money seems like nothing and utterly worthless when one is faced with a terminal disease.”

Seeing how he was stooped over and how gaunt his face was, I couldn’t help but think back to my past. I was just like my father-in-law. I struggled to make money for decades but eventually was left with many sicknesses …

When I had just gotten married, my family’s standard of living was alright but I was not satisfied with it. Every time I saw relatives and friends around me wearing famous brands and living well in the city, I couldn’t help but feel envious. I thought: “One day, I will live as luxurious a life as they do.” In order to realize this dream, my husband and I started to rush about for work. At that time I went to the town to work, and I needed to ride over twenty kilometers each round trip. Whether it was in the hot summer or the cold winter, I received the perfect attendance award every month. There was piece work system in my factory, and it meant that the more you worked, the more you earned. In order to earn more money, I even worked at meal times; I worked more than ten hours a day. Due to irregular meals over a long period of time, I lost more than 10kg of weight at that time. Later, after being examined, I found that I had gastroenteritis and thus I needed to go on an IV drip every day. However, in order to get the perfect attendance award, I still kept working in spite of the illness. Eventually, I realized my dream: I bought a house in the city. Every time when I returned to my village from the city, the villagers all looked at me with envy and praised me, saying, “The daughter-in-law of the Liu family is really capable. She and her husband have only been married a few years, but they have already bought a house in the city.” On hearing this, I felt elated and believed that having plenty of money is indeed a good thing; after getting it, I not only could eat well, dress well and enjoy myself, but also could earn other people’s admiration. Therefore, no matter how arduous or tiring the work was, it was worth it.

After buying the house, in order to earn more money to pay off our mortgage, my husband and I put down nearly 100,000 yuan to start a business. At first, I was afraid that we could not make more money by doing business, so I found a job in a supermarket. After work, I would help my husband in our store. I also needed to get up early in the morning to do odd jobs around the house before work, and stay up late to continue doing them. I worked continually, just like a robot, every day from morning to evening. Through our hard work, we had a good reputation and material enjoyments, but as a result of the excessive work for a long time, I got headaches, lower back pain and cervical spondylosis. Suffering the tortures of illness, I often couldn’t sleep at night.

Thinking of the road my father-in-law and I had walked, I realized that we all regarded such satanic viewpoints as, “Money is first,” “Money makes the world go round,” and “Money isn’t everything, but without it, you can do nothing,” as our life goals and principles of survival. In order to earn money, whether the work was tiring or dangerous my father-in-law would do it. Even after he had gotten ill, he still didn’t go to the hospital for treatment. Eventually, he lost his life because of money. And in a way, so did I. For the sake of making more money, I even worked at meal times; when I was ill and went on an IV drip every day, I still kept working. Both my father-in-law and I treated ourselves like money-making machines that keep running unceasingly day and night. Even though we got material enjoyments, we endured the tortures of illness and my father-in-law even paid with his life. Only after experiencing these things did I understand: Living by Satan’s poisons, we can only become more and more degenerate, more and more miserable and more and more greedy. Eventually we will head toward destruction.

Later, I read some of God’s words that say, “Those who die take with them the stories of the living, and those who are living repeat the same tragic history of those who have died.” God’s words made me awaken to the truth: Weren’t my father-in-law and I in the same mold as many people? My father-in-law was of the older generation and sought fortune and fame all his life, but eventually he fell ill and died; I am of the younger generation and also sought fortune and fame, repeating the same story as the elder generation. Wasn’t everyone in this world, including my father-in-law and I fooled and afflicted by these satanic viewpoints, “Money is first,” “Money makes the world go round,” and “Money isn’t everything, but without it, you can do nothing?” At that moment, I thought about how not to repeat the same tragedies of those who have died.

Later, I read another passage of God’s words, “There is a simplest way to free oneself from this state: to bid farewell to one’s former way of living, to say goodbye to one’s previous goals in life, to summarize and analyze one’s previous lifestyle, philosophy, pursuits, desires, and ideals, and then to compare them with God’s will and demands for man, and see whether any of them is consistent with God’s will and demands, whether any of them delivers the right values of life, leads one to a greater understanding of the truth, and allows one to live with humanity and human likeness. When you repeatedly investigate and carefully dissect the various goals of life that people pursue and their various different ways of living, you will find that not one of them fits the Creator’s original intention when He created humanity. All of them draw people away from the Creator’s sovereignty and care; they are all pits into which humanity falls, and which lead them to hell. After you recognize this, your task is to lay aside your old view of life, stay far from various traps, let God take charge of your life and make arrangements for you, try only to submit to God’s orchestrations and guidance, to have no choice, and to become a person who worships God.”

God’s words made me understand: Only when we turn away from our own mistaken viewpoints of the past, and no longer regard the satanic viewpoints—such as “Happiness is having money,” “Money means everything,” and “Money isn’t everything, but without it, you can do nothing”— as our own principles of survival, but instead, come before God, pursue the truth, accept and obey God’s sovereignty and arrangements and act in accordance with God’s words, can we escape from Satan’s harm and live under the care and protection of God. Thinking how my father-in-law sought after fortune and fame all his life but in the end obtained nothing, I was thankful that I’d accepted God’s work in the last days in my lifetime and found the correct path in life, thus avoiding the same tragedy as my father-in-law. In the past, I sought wealth, which made me exhausted mentally and physically and I had a very painful and tiring life; now, I am willing to entrust myself completely to God, let Him dominate and plan everything, and pursue to live out a meaningful life.

[rolandfontana]

China in Myanmar: The New Colonialism?

Robert Walsh, sometime Seattle resident and long-time friend of our law firm (we worked on a number of China deals together and we — Dan and Steve — met up with him on our last trip to Myanmar), has spent the last four years in Myanmar, where he operates a vibrant business consultancy. Robert is fluent in Chinese and Korean and, amazingly enough, Burmese (multiple dialects), having learned Burmese while working in the U.S. Embassy in Yangon many years ago.

We have written a number of Myanmar-focused blog posts for China Law Blog over the years and if you want the full flavor of what has been going  on there, I urge you to go back and read those as well. In 2013, it was Myanmar Foreign Investment. Difficult And Expensive, But Opportunities Are There. In 2014, it was Myanmar: Open For Business? In those posts, we talked about how Myanmar is a difficult place in which to do business and many of companies going there are bigger companies looking to get in now and make money later. In 2017, in A Report from Myanmar from an old China Hand we talked about how much had changed, due in large measure to the relaxation of sanctions. Last year, in Doing Business in Burma/Myanmar: An On the Ground Report, Robert wrote how optimism in and about Myanmar is waning as things just keep getting worse there.

Yesterday, Robert emailed us an article from the Irrawaddy (for more on this newspaper and its interesting history go here) about “China’s ambassador to Burma going up to Kachin State to throw his weight around.” In response to that, we asked him to provide us an on the ground report of China’s activities in Myanmar. The below is Robert’s report:

Over the past five years I’ve had front row seats to watch how Chinese companies in Burma operate, as SOEs, as SMEs and as outright outlaws.  The latter predominate.

The Chinese SOEs were initially focused on getting a beachhead at Kyaukhpyu on the Rakhine coast NW of Rangoon. Between 2012-2014 a pipeline running from the coast across Burma to Yunnan was built. There were on again/off again plans for a railroad paralleling the pipeline, but nobody could figure out what good it would be for anybody local.

I’ve previously described other Chinese mega-projects in Myanmar, but the only place where anything is happening is a bizarro 5000-acre resort-industrial zone-Las Vegas in the Jungle sort of thing on the Thai border across the river from Mae Seot being done by Jilin Yatai Group. For background on this project go here. I am baffled how the Chinese are doing a very large project by working directly with an ethnic armed organization, on Burmese soil, and without much in the way of compliance with Burmese foreign investment laws and procedures. I am even more baffled with how Yatai’s operation is being done in an area where the local armed groups haven’t exactly hammered everything out with the government yet.

Other Chinese SOE projects like the Myitsone dam and other hydropower projects are stalled, largely due to pushback from locals in the intended project areas. The Myitsone dam project has gotten nationwide pushback because it would affect the entire watershed of the country and China does not have a great track record on either domestic or overseas hydropower projects, especially when it comes to having environmental impact studies done that are deliberately superficial. As of this writing we know of six such projects that are going nowhere. For a really great story on a really botched Chinese dam, check out It Doesn’t Matter if Ecuador Can Afford This Dam. China Still Gets Paid.

The major feature of all of these Chinese projects in Myanmar is that Chinese SOEs think engagement with locals is not needed and so long as the right people in the Union government are paid enough under the table any and all objections should cease. The Chinese are not alone in this approach, as many international NGOs also take the same approach, pouring out largesse in Naypyidaw, while leaving crumbs to filter down to project areas. Up in Putao, people are fighting against WCS, WWF and other conservation NGOs because they have paid off people in the forestry department in Naypyidaw to expand the national parks in a way that drives people off the land. For an example of this, see Over 200 villagers march to demand the abolishment of Hkakhaburazi National Park.

For Chinese SMEs and outlaws looking to do something here, compliance with local law is the last thing on their minds.  Their collective mode of operations are as follows:

Acquire the land via local straw buyers.

Acquire the land with payoffs to the military, especially where a hapless local is occupying land that the military or affiliated cronies can easily seize. In many cases in Kachin and Shan State this occurs even more quickly if local farmers have been forced out due to conflict. A family can return home from months in a refugee camp to find their land under bananas or rubber plantings.

Import of seeds, cuttings, and/or seedlings without following agriculture rules on phytosanitary safety. This is a big deal because it is being done on such a massive scale.

Use illegal agrochemicals, some of which have been banned in China for decades. This has led to massive contamination of ground water.

Divert local water sources to Chinese plantations, basically robbing locals with longstanding arrangements. Bananas are awfully thirsty.

Develop industrial/agricultural/mining operations in areas outside direct government control, such as those controlled by various ethnic armed organizations. This allows the Chinese outfit to do whatever it wants, especially with gold, silver, and antimony mining. Entire riverbeds get messed up this way.

Operate in areas that have REALLY been out of government control for decades, such as the United Wa State Army (UWSA) areas in NE Shan State. These areas run by a notorious drug-trafficking army have been pretty much annexed by China. RMB is the preferred currency, Chinese banks and mobile systems are used, and there are few if any border controls. It’s my understanding that the Chinese Communist Party’s International Liaison Department is responsible for maintaining the relationship with UWSA, which could be a vestige of past relations when the UWSA was still the Burmese Communist Party. Christians and missionaries are repressed in these annexed areas.

In general, the Chinese approach is basically “how much will it cost me in bribes until I’ve squeezed all the juice out of this lemon?”

As local opposition to Chinese activity in Burma heats up, several features of Burmese political and commercial culture will act as countervailing factors:

The Burmese do not intend for any foreign entity from any country to make any money here via foreign investment (FDI) — nothing personal against Chinese. This is just how things have been set up under the foreign investment laws and this is local practice. Burmese generally view FDI as an extension of some sort of foreign government donor program and they bitch mightily when the flow of FDI slows, as it has for the past couple of years.

To the best of my knowledge the Burmese government still has no procedure for issuing debt guarantees for foreign debt. This makes it impossible for China to ensnare Myanmar with a debt load that facilitates de facto annexation of property, as has been done elsewhere (See the New York Times article on Ecuador above). What grates on the Chinese about the Myitsone dam project is that cancelled or not, China will not recover any of the costs already put into that project, as the Burmese government never made any commitments to pay if things went South. And China has almost  zero leverage. Burma will be one place where the give and take over the Belt & Road initiative is likely to be all give — by China.

As far as infrastructure development, the Chinese have done virtually nothing here that the Burmese people need, want, or sought. Everything  currently under discussion would directly benefit China, be it a highway, railroad, or hydropower dam and pretty much all the Burmese know this. So China is in no position to be able to accuse the Burmese for being “ungrateful,” as they like to do with Tibetans, Vietnamese, North Koreans, Ecuadorians, or whoever is their ingrate of the week.

Taiwanese companies are also here and they have a decidedly better reputation for compliance and how they handle local matters. In many cases, these are Sino-Burmese repats. There still might be a Taiwanese government  high school running up in Lashio and I used to know people who graduated from it. The Taiwanese businesspeople I know and work with here are studiously make certain to distinguish themselves from the Mainlanders.

Sooner rather than later I expect to see a nationwide backlash against China — such as occurred in the 1960’s — and it . will likely be ugly indeed. See The backlash against China is growing: warnings against ‘a new version of colonialism’ stood out for their boldness, they reflect a broader pushback against China’s mercantilist trade, investment, and lending practices. Heads on pikes and businesses reduced to smoking rubble are not outside contemplation. All it will take to light the match is for the Chinese ambassador to say something stupid like he did the other day in Kachin State.

China in Myanmar: The New Colonialism? syndicated from https://immigrationattorneyto.wordpress.com/