#he being roman. i think roman said like...top surgery made him feel like himself again

[yo9urt]

hello followers. normally i barely tag anything but because season 4 of s3x educ4t10n (avoiding search results) came out yesterday and i binged it i tagged it sex ed s4 in case anyone would like to avoid spoilers. the spam is below this post. watch out

[littleoddwriter]

transzsasz AND transroman

You're Just Like Me (Part 2) | Roman Sionis x Victor Zsasz

Since I got requested to do T4T ZsaszMask twice with this, I thought I could just make this story a continuation of the other one (although you don't have to have read that, nor is it an immediate follow-up to it). It ran away from me, like always, though. So it's a bit less about them being trans the further down we go, lol. Thanks so much for the request! I hope you enjoy it. <3

summary; Years after Roman's had Top Surgery, he's having a strangely emotional morning, in which he has a realisation that comes with a confession.

notes; Trans!Roman Sionis; Trans!Victor Zsasz; Talks of Top and Bottom Surgery; Medical Transition; Implied Gender Dysphoria and Euphoria; Kissing; Touching; Domestic; Fluff; kind of Hurt/Comfort-y; Roman is angry and emotional; Victor to the rescue and all.

It has been years since Roman has finally gotten Top Surgery, after Zsasz had assured him to take care of him and make sure nothing bad would happen to him under his watch. Surprisingly, it had all worked out just fine (although Roman did almost stab his surgeon shortly before he was put under).

Now, many years later, his scars weren’t even visible to the naked eye anymore – and his dark chest hair certainly helped. His pectorals looked just like any other man’s. He was happy with the result and felt pretty comfortable in his own skin for the first time in his life.

As he looked at his bare torso in the mirror, ready to get dressed for the day, he admired the sight. It was always so strange to him to think back to the time before his transition. That Roman Sionis felt like a completely different person, one who had never existed in the first place – and it wasn’t completely wrong either, was it? Technically, he’s always been the man he was today. It had just taken him many more steps than others to carry his true self out for the world to see.

“Roman?” Zsasz asked, suddenly appearing in the doorway and ripping Sionis out of his thoughts.

“What?” Roman hissed, looking at his partner through the mirror.

Victor walked over to him and came to a stop right behind him, only mere millimetres separating their bodies. He could feel the heat Zsasz gave off, smelled the cigarettes and cheap cologne that always covered his natural scent.

“Just wanted to check if you’re okay. Sat there all alone at the breakfast table, waiting for you to come,” he explained, looking back at Roman through the vanity mirror, as he laid his hands on his bare shoulders.

“I’m alright. I just got lost in my thoughts there.”

“About?”

“How great my chest looks,” Roman grinned, brushing his hand over his sternum.

Zsasz smirked right back, squeezed Roman’s shoulders and then he ran his fingers over his boss’s chest appreciatively. “Agreed. It looks fantastic,” he murmured and kissed Sionis’ neck, peppering little kisses all over it and down to his shoulders.

Roman shuddered, the kisses tickling him and the rough stubble of Victor’s beard scratching his skin. It wasn’t unpleasant though, far from it actually. He lifted his right hand and put it on the back of Victor’s head, pulling him closer. Then he turned his head and captured his partner’s lips in a passionate kiss that they both smiled into.

“I wouldn’t have ever done it without you,” Roman murmured against Victor’s lips, quietly admitting what he’s been thinking for so many years.

He could vaguely remember having said it after he got out of surgery, but it was so hazy to him, thanks to the anaesthetics; and he hasn’t admitted it since. Now felt like the right time to remind Victor just how important he’s been to Roman’s continued medical transition.

“You’re welcome. It was my pleasure, boss. Especially when you’re the one who made it possible for me to transition at all,” Zsasz replied, kissing Roman again and again, quick little pecks.

“And I’d do it again,” Sionis confessed – he wouldn’t ever say it out loud, but he would do anything for Victor; especially if it made him happy.

Admittedly, Roman was in a strangely sentimental mood that morning and he desperately wanted it to stop, before he suddenly said something he’d regret. “Enough of this. I’m hungry. Let me finish dressing and then we can finally eat breakfast, ‘kay?” he exclaimed to finalise this conversation and save face.

Sure, rationally, he knew that he never had to hide himself from Victor – it was impossible anyway –, but he still desired to feel some sense of control over their shared intimacy. Even after all these years, it was almost scary to him just how much of his guard he has let down around Zsasz and continued to do it. Sometimes, it would keep him up at night and tip his mood over into one of the many extremes he displayed – usually rage in this case. He hated how close he’s let Victor get to him. Was he ever going to change it, though? Of course not! Even though he often wished he could.

Zsasz just nodded, kissed Roman again and left the room.

All by himself again, Sionis sighed deeply and pulled a white cotton shirt over his head. It fit him perfectly, snugly hugging his arms and chest especially. Ten years ago, a shirt like this wouldn’t have been possible for him to wear, no matter what; yet here he was, finally at this point in his life where he could wear whatever he desired. It made him genuinely smile.

Quickly, he put on a midnight blue blazer, checked his hair again for a moment and left his dressing room, too.

During breakfast, Roman couldn’t stop thinking about all these questions he’s always had for Victor, but rarely asked them at all – not because he was scared, but because he knew how much he hated to be asked these things himself. Of course, with how perceptive Zsasz was, he noticed Roman’s lack of talking and his frown as what it was.

“You know you can ask me whatever, Roman,” Victor piped up eventually.

“I know,” Roman shot back, but hesitated anyway. “I’m just wondering if you’re feeling comfortable in your body by now. Or if you’d want to change more – Bottom Surgery is possible nowadays after all.”

“Nah, I’m fine with the way things are. Thanks to you, I’ve already gotten so much farther than I had expected when I first realised I was trans, y’know? And over time, I started to care even less about not having a dick. ‘Cause everything else is the way it should be and it really doesn’t matter. We make it work after all. I feel good,” Zsasz answered with a slight smile on his lips, which morphed into a fully fledged grin by the end of it.

Roman nodded in understanding and took a sip from his espresso.

“Do you want to get Bottom Surgery?” Victor then asked, before Sionis had a chance to say anything.

“No, absolutely not. One surgery was enough for me. I’m certainly not going through this fucking shit again, unless I absolutely have to.”

Chuckling, Victor nodded, “Yeah, I thought so. I’m still proud of you, by the way.”

Roman pulled a face, “Shut up. Nothing to be fucking proud of there,” he said as he thought back to how pathetic he’s been for weeks after his surgery – it was awful! –, but he obviously didn’t regret it. “Thank you anyway, baby,” he added quietly.

Zsasz beamed at him in response. Roman hated how it made his heart flutter and how he suddenly felt so warm inside. It never ceased to happen whenever Victor did something particularly endearing or alluring. Sometimes, Sionis wondered if this really was what people titled as “being in love”, because if it was he really didn’t know if he didn’t rather despise people, including Victor.

Sighing heavily, Roman set down his espresso cup harshly, a loud clank sounding when it hit the saucer. “I fucking hate this,” he muttered without really wanting to.

“Hate what?” Victor asked, frowning.

“This,” Roman replied, wildly waving his hands around between the two of them, “Us. Our relationship. This mutual experience we’ve made with being transgender men. The way I feel every time you do something – anything. Just everything!” he exclaimed, his voice getting louder and more broken with every word.

Zsasz was up in the blink of an eye, his hands on Roman’s shoulders, just like before, but firmer, as his fingers dug into his muscles and massaged them. It frustrated him. Why couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut for once? He had never wanted Victor to know these things!

“I think we make a great pair, Roman. Not only do we share this experience, but we’ve supported each other throughout. It’s a good thing. And the way you feel about me? I’m glad you do. ‘Cause I feel the same and it’s nothing bad. It doesn’t make us weak or whatever. We’re just as menacing as we’ve ever been. It’s not wrong to like someone, baby. Especially not when we’re so good together,” Zsasz told Roman sternly, yet gently, reassuring him like he always did.

“I guess you’re right. It just doesn’t really feel like it’s a good thing to me. How does it not eat you alive?”

“What? That some fucks might think they’re entitled to have an opinion on us?” Sionis shrugged. “I don’t care. It doesn’t matter what others think about you and me, or just me. They’re not worth shit. And honestly, if I can just remind you of something here… Your parents fucking sucked. They never loved each other or you, so you have a wrong image of what that looks like and what it can be. My parents were the exact opposite. And when I met you and felt this instant connection to you, I knew I’d be in it for life with you. No matter what. You’re almost as important to me as my life’s purpose. Although, to be honest, you are part of my purpose, so you might as well be on the same level as that.”

Roman was stunned. He’s never truly been speechless in his life, but of course Victor fucking Zsasz was able to make him that as well.

“I don’t know what to say,” Roman choked out.

Had anyone told him that this was how his morning would have gone, he would have yelled at them and stabbed them in the neck.

“You don’t have to say anything at all, Roman,” Victor replied, kissing the top of Sionis’ head.

“’Kay,” he whispered.

Then Roman tilted his head back and Victor leaned over and kissed him on the lips. It was all so fucking domestic, sickeningly so; and this warm feeling inside was back again, only that it bothered him a little less, now. Putting his hands on Victor’s he pulled them down, so that Zsasz was basically hugging him from behind as they kissed some more.

Begrudgingly, Roman had to admit that Victor was right. They made a really good team, always have, and it all just felt so right, so much so that it left his mind reeling. In all honesty, Sionis was probably the luckiest man on earth to have found Zsasz and to be in such a fulfilling relationship with someone who fully understood him.

“I adore you, Victor,” he confessed eventually, squeezing and rubbing Zsasz’s forearms almost nervously.

He could hear the sharp intake of breath above him, “I love you, too,” he responded, an audible smile in his voice.

Alright, maybe he could actually get used to this eventually. Zsasz always made anything possible for him after all. He was definitely lucky; there was no doubt about that.

[whereisstevethestove]

to have a heart

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Characters: Virgil, Logan, Patton, Remy, Emile, Roman(mentioned), Janus(mentioned)

Relationships: Familial Logan/Janus/Patton, Familial Remy/Virgil

Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Happy Ending, Depression, Car Accidents, Loss of a loved one, Major Character Death, Mourning, Heart Transplants 

Word Count: 1821

Summary: Patton's day was going great- he'd just sent off his twin sons to carpool to school, he was almost ready for work...

Tragedy strikes when you least expect, doesn't it?

Notes: Happy Valentines!  I almost didn’t finish this because of all the feelings I got from writing it, but here’s a baby gift to the fandom, I love ya’ll.

You're always too young to lose a child.

At least that’s what Patton thought as he sat by his son’s bedside, carefully running his thumb over his son’s hand.  

He’d gotten the call earlier that morning.  The one that all parents hate, one saying that your kids had been in a car accident, that one son had been dead upon arrival, the other in critical condition.

What kind of drunk driver is out at eight thirty am?

Patton blinked away tears and looked up at the heart monitor.  It was steady, everything was fine.

Except that his beautiful, smart son would never have a thought again.  Braindead, and even though he had enough functioning to breathe and have a heartbeat, he wouldn’t even wake up again.

Logan had prided himself for big thoughts, with questions that stumped Patton, with musings at three am with his twin…

And now he didn’t even have that.

The door to the room opened and Patton looked away from his son to see a nervous looking doctor standing there, his head tilted down.

“May I speak with you?”

“Sure.”

The man moved to sit in the only other chair and he tapped his feet together once he was sitting before looking at Patton.   “I apologize for your losses.”

Patton gave him a watery smile before looking down at Logan.  “Thank you.  But that’s not the reason why you’re here, is it?”

“No.”  The doctor cleared his throat.  “My name’s Dr. Emile Picani.  I’m a heart surgeon a few floors down.”

“Nice to meet you.”

Emile smiled and looked down.  “I wish these were different circumstances why I’m here.  But Logan signed up to be an organ donor when he got his learner's permit.”

“I’m aware, I helped him with the paperwork.”  Patton ran his hand over Logan’s again.  “You can cut to the point.”

“There’s a boy who needs a heart.  Here, in this hospital.  Uh, I have his paperwork if you want to look over it, but he’s been in and out of this place his whole life.”

Emile offered the papers to Patton, who took them and set them in his lap.  “You want my son’s heart.”

“I understand that this is a horrible time, but with Logan’s condition, keeping him on life support is a cruelty, not a mercy.”  Emile wrung his hands and looked at the comatose boy.  “And you deserve time to mourn.”

“Emile, I lost both of my boys today.  What do you need?”

“Well, your consent to cut life support and also for us to use his heart.  I promise we won’t take anything else if you don’t want us too, but Logan could save a life with his.  You’d still be able to have an open casket funeral.”

Patton lifted the top paper.  “What’s the boy’s name?”

“Virgil, he’s fifteen and a half.”

“Can I meet him?”

“Of course, he’s in the hospital right now, we can go to his room if you want.”

Patton stood.  “I think I’d like to, if that’s alright.”

Emile led him out and Patton noticed that there was a cluster of morning glories on the door that they had just come out of.

“What do those mean?”

Emile looked at the flowers for a moment and smiled sadly.  “We put them outside the doors of people who have suffered a great loss.  It’s a quiet reminder to the nurses to be aware.  We use petunias in the maternity ward.”

They took the elevator down two floors and when they got to Virgil’s room, Emile knocked twice before opening the door and usering Patton in.   There was a curtain that separated the bathroom from the general sleeping area and when Emile pulled the curtain aside, a man looked up from his phone and made eye contact with Patton.

“Emmy babes, I said no visitors.  Vee’s not doing so hot today.”

Emile nodded.  “I’m sorry, but Remy, we may have found a heart donor.”

Remy’s eyes widened and he slid his phone away to stand and cross the room.  “Please don’t be lying.”

Emile gesture to Patton.  “This is Patton.  He, he has a son Virgil’s age.”

Remy turned to Patton and folded him in a hug.  “I know what that feels like.  To realize you might lose the person you love the most… I’m sorry.”

Patton hesitantly hugged back, the smell of coffee and lavender assaulting his nose as Remy squeezed tighter.

“Please, if you can, please save my brother.”

Patton blinked.   This man wasn’t Virgil’s father?  Where were the parents?  

He didn’t get an answer to either of these questions, as Remy pulled away and wiped at his eyes with his sleeve.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be begging you for something.”

“It’s okay.”  Patton whispered and Emile’s hand landed on his shoulder.  

“Remy, is it okay if Patton meets Virgil?”

“He’s sleeping, and I’d rather not have him wake up, but you can look at him.”  Remy stepped to the side and let Patton in so he could see the teen, who was curled on his side, dark hair spread across the pillow, another one in his arms as well.

“Oh.”  Patton murmured softly.  He looked up at Remy and nodded.

“You can have Logan’s heart.  I wouldn’t want to lose him like how I lost my sons.”

He didn’t realize he was crying until Remy had him in another hug, whispering thanks a thousand times over as Patton cried into his shoulder.

Eventually though, he had to go and Emile brought him back to the room that Logan was still in, the morning glories on the door serving as a harsh reminder to what was.

“Can I say goodbye?”

“Of course, take as long as you need.”

Patton nodded and went back into the hospital room to sit by his son and take his hand again.

“Lo… You get to rest.”  Patton didn’t bother to hold back his tears as he took a shuddering breath and sniffed.

“I’m sorry that I’ll never get to see you graduate, or ever wake up to an elaborate prank that you and Janus planned. I just wish that we had more time, you know, you deserved so much more than what you got.”  Patton let go of Logan’s to hand to bury his face in his hands.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t drive you and Janus to school this morning.  I know that it’s just a stupid carpool, but if you had asked, I would’ve said yes, you know me.”  He looked up and reached a hand forward to brush at his son’s hair.  “I don’t think that I can be as strong as I’ll need to be these next few weeks without you or your brother with me.”

The tiniest of smiles graced his face through the tears.  “I love you little scientist.  And I need to let you go save someone else, okay?  I’m sorry I couldn’t do my job like how you wanted sometimes, I know that you wanted to know who your birth parents were and I couldn’t find out in time… I’m so sorry.”

Patton stood and pressed one last kiss to Logan’s forehead.  “I love you star.”

Then he smoothed back his son’s hair before turning to go tell Emile that he was ready.

…

There was a line of nurses and other workers when they wheeled him away for the surgery.

A sign of respect for a sacrifice is what they told Patton.   

He didn’t care, Logan and Janus were dead and he was tired.  He just wanted to go home and call his mother and sleep before having to worry about funerals and all the sympathy that would start pouring in.

He didn’t want sympathy.

He wanted his sons back.

…

A year passed.

Patton moved through life feeling like a ghost of his former self, but he still moved forward.

Depression hit about a week after the funeral.   It was all too real at that point, with him staring at twin graves for twin boys, the offshoots of grass just starting to cover the dirt.

He didn’t know if Virgil’s heart transplant was successful.  No one had bothered to contact him, and if they had, it was lost in the fog that was his life.

He’d almost forgotten about the teen until he was doing his weekly visit to Logan and Janus and there was someone already there, a bouquet of morning glories and baby’s breath in one hand.

Patton walked up to them and they didn’t spare him a glance, the two standing next to each other before the person with the flowers spoke up.

“I didn’t know where else to find you.”

Patton turned his head as Remy crouched and set the flowers on the boys’ shared headstone.

“I see.  Is..”

“He’s doing great.”  Remy stood and looked at him.  “Do you want to meet him?”

Patton blinked and wiped at his tears.  “Sure.”

Remy nodded.  “My car’s the purple one in the parking lot.  Take as much time as you need, I’ll leave you alone with your kids.”

“Thank you Remy.”

…

Remy’s house was a small condo and Patton felt almost awkward being there as the man unlocked the door and led him into a brightly lit living area, with a tv that still was on.

Remy turned it off and offered Patton a seat, which he declined.

“Vee, there’s someone here to see you!”

A voice floated down from upstairs.   “Did Roman show up early?”

“No, your boyfriend isn’t here, come on demon spawn, they’re an important guest!”  Remy shot Patton a sheepish grin as Virgil hollered a response and a moment later, the teen was walking down the stairs to pause and stare at Patton.

Patton held up a hand in a half wave.  “Hey kiddo.”

Virgil didn’t say anything, but he walked the rest of the way down the stairs and to Patton, gently taking his hand and pressing it over where his heart was.

Thump..  Thump... Thump ….

Patton felt tears start to fall down his face as Virgil rested his free hand over Patton’s that he had placed over Logan’s heart.

“Thank you.”

Patton nodded and choked back a sob.  “You’re okay, that’s my son’s heart, he saved you, thank you, you’re okay..”

Virgil blinked up at him as Patton continued to cry as he felt a heartbeat that had been so familiar to him for so long.

Remy had exited and re-entered the room at some point, but he spoke up from where he stood.

“We, we uh usually visit their graves on Saturdays.  To thank him.”

Patton just nodded, still crying as Virgil moved his hand and shuffled forward to give him a hug.

“Thank you Patton.”

He couldn’t respond, but he rested his head carefully on top of Virgil’s just grateful for the comfort.

“Course kiddo.”  Patton whispered.

And maybe…

Maybe things looked a bit brighter after that.

[mimssides]

One Spade for five Hearts: Chapter 1

Read on AO3

Masterpost | Taglist

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___

Warning: Talk about transition, periods and dysphoria.

___

A usual Tuesday.

 ■ Waking up 07:30.

□ Leaving the house on 08:30.

□ Math from 08:30 to 10:00.

□ Break from 10:00 to 10:30.

□ Spades History from 10:30 to 12:00.

□ Lunch break from 12:00 to 13:15.

□ Chemistry from 13:15 to 14:45.

□ Break from 14:45 to 15:00.

□ Fencing from 15:00 to 16:30.

□ Arrival at home 17:00.

□ Doing homework until dinner at 18:30.

□ Finishing homework until 21:00.

□ Getting ready for bed 22:00.

□ Going to sleep 22:30.

Logan Ward was as organized as ever. He had to be. He was a Ward after all. Which was why he looked over his list again before crossed off the second checkpoint.

 ■ Leaving the house on 08:30.

He called his mother goodbye over his shoulder and left the house. Quickly, he walked down the driveway, waving to Virgil who was already waiting with his bike for him. As usual he looked tired, was slightly bobbing along the music of his headphones, music Logan couldn’t hear, and only after a few seconds returned the wave of his oldest friend.

As usual Logan joined Virgil and they silently walked to school. As usual Logan thought that Virgil was ridiculous for taking his bike with him even though he wouldn’t drive it. As usual Logan didn’t mention these thoughts because, despite it being illogical, he was happy to walk alongside Virgil.

 ■ Math from 08:30 to 10:00.

His first class in the day. Virgil was in a different course than him, so they parted before the class started and Logan found himself in the company of Remus Butkus. A terribly smart Club, who had no sense of decency and tact. And while he liked algorithms and geometry well enough, he had to admit that with kæm they were expansionally more interesting with the freckled redhead by his side.

 ■ Break from 10:00 to 10:30.

Meeting up with Virgil again and telling Remus goodbye until lunch.

 ■ Spades History from 10:30 to 12:00.

Usual class. They were to do a group project about the history of Spades before the equality treat had been signed 600 years ago. Virgil was his partner, as usual, and they would meet up in Thursday after class to talk about the details, as they usually did when they had a group project.

 ■ Lunch break from 12:00 to 13:15.

At lunch Logan and Virgil re-joined with Remus. Kæ had brought kæs boyfriend Patton along. They smiled at the two Spades before they kissed Remus and started talking about their day. As usual they asked Virgil how his day went and Logan greeted N (apparently going by Janus today judging by the bowler hat on their head) and Roman, Remus’s twin.

As usual Janus made a snarky remark about Patton’s all too positive attitude and Remus laughed at kæs boyfriend’s pout but helped them defend themself against Janus’s bickering. As usual Roman –

No, Roman did not get involved into the quarrel for once. He was uncharacteristically quiet and Logan shot him a look. The otherwise always boisterous boy looked figuratively down and almost seemed to have waited for Logan to acknowledge him. Confused Logan was about to ask what was going on, when Roman pointed to Logan’s phone. Logan looked down to it and unlocked the screen. On the lock screen a message from Roman was showing and Logan silently read:

Roman Butkus:

you have pads? frogt mine at home

Logan looked back up to Roman. Gave him a short nod and stood up from the table. Virgil shot him a funny look and Logan simply said, as he took out his little necessity bag from his satchel: “I need to go to the bathroom.”

“I’m coming too!” Roman announced immediately and was already on his feet following Logan leaving the cafeteria.

Logan walked quick and did not look back, knowing perfectly well that Roman could keep up with him. And not a moment later, the shorter boy walked next to him, arms folded over his chest. He looked uncomfortable and Logan suspected that he might have been wearing his binder too long or that he felt more sensitive during his period or in the worst-case scenario both.

Finally, they made it to the bathroom and entered. Logan quickly walked along the stalls and checked if they were alone, which was the case, and then took out a pad of his little necessity bag and handed it to Roman. Grateful Roman took it and disappeared in one of the stalls, as Logan leaned back against the wall waiting for Roman to finish.

They didn’t need to be secretive about having periods. Everybody knew and they were generally accepted. But Logan understood quickly after getting to know Roman that he tended to struggle with some parts of his body when he didn’t feel like he was a woman. For himself that was not the case but he understood that gender was different for everybody and he would do anything to support Roman in the way he could and needed to.

“Fuck.”

Logan’s train of thought was broken. Roman’s tone sounded watery and Logan got alarmed.

“What is it?” Logan asked not quite certain if he was approaching this the right way.

“I – I uh, fuck.”

Roman was definitely crying and Logan walked up to the closed stall door. He just stood there and waited, not knowing if there was anything he could even say.

“Blood got onto my jeans. I – I -”

Roman broke off and Logan heard some small sobs. He sighed and opened the little necessity bag again. Silently, he crouched down and slid a little package through the slit close the stall door.

“It is okay, Roman,” Logan said trying to sound soothing. “It happens. It happens to me too sometimes. If you open the package, you’ll find a cleaning cloth. It’s enhanced to get blood out of the fabric, so no one will notice.”

Logan listened to the movement inside the stall, heard the package being opened and how Roman apparently cleaned his jeans. There were still some sniffles but Logan felt himself relax.

A minute went by and you could hear Roman flush. Logan awaited him coming out but Roman let him wait.

“Thank you so much… I’m sorry for making you wait here with me,” Roman finally said.

Logan frowned and looked at the door as if he could send a look through the wall. But knowing that he could not do that he instead said: “It is quite alright, Roman. Periods are not the most comfortable topic among our peers, even if they are cis girls. It is okay to struggle with it. Just try to remember that is normal and that you do not have to be ashamed of having the parts you have.”

A sniffle.

“I’m trying. But dysphoria is mean… You don’t have to answer but do you have it sometimes? Do you sometimes think your body is wrong a little? Not really you?”

Logan looked up to the ceiling and mused for a moment.

“I don’t think so. I am fine with how I look. But that might also be because I never had to wear things I did not want to. That my parents didn’t had me have long hair or anything. It does have its perks to have an older sibling who came out as nonbinary when they were twelve, I guess.”

“You wear a binder, though?”

“I do sometimes, yes. I do so today and I probably should change out if it now, but I do not do so because of dysphoria. I just like how I look with a flat chest. Which is not that hard to accomplish with my cup size, I presume.”

A little snort.

“You’re quite lucky, Ward. Quite lucky indeed.”

The stall door was opened and Roman washed his hands. Looking at Logan through the mirror he continued: “Not that I’m jealous of you. It’s not like we could influence it. And quite honestly, some days I have the feeling that I am way more into being trans than you are. Like, it’s so fun to tell teachers that they are actually wrong and I use she/her or he/him today. Still, I’m stoked for when I finally evoke my powers and get to transition. It will be awesome!”

Logan grinned a little and shrugged his shoulders before Roman fully turned around, leaning against the sink and asked: “Do you wanna transition once your powers show? Like top surgery and stuff?”

“I don’t think that I want top surgery, but I am thinking about hormone magic, so my voice gets deeper. I think, that would be the one thing that sometimes puts me off a little. Also, I might grow a beard and that sounds pretty appealing to me.”

Roman laughed and the tiny gap between his front teeth was showing just in the way Logan liked it. It suited Roman far more than the sad expression from before. And then he suddenly stepped closer to Logan, his heart skipping a beat, and he tapped on Logan’s shirt with a grin.

“And don’t you think, I didn’t notice you trying to manipulate me to take off my binder, smart cookie!” Roman teased with a grin. “I will change out of it after the next period and you don’t have to change out of yours just to make me do it. I feel fine. Promise.”

Logan cleared his throat and scratched the back of his neck. A little flustered he looked to the side and mumbled: “That is reassuring. Thank you.”

And then Roman gave him a hug, took him by the hand and led them back into the cafeteria, talking about some nice outfits he had seen the last time he had been in the mall. It all went down a little too quickly for Logan but in the end he didn’t care. Roman was in good spirits again and that was all what mattered to Logan. When they joined back at the table Janus asked Roman if he was alright, which Roman confirmed and gave Logan a little wink.

“Flirting with the shovel knight? That will work out perfectly fine, won’t it?” Janus teased and Roman laughed but hit them on his upper arm.

“Since when are you playing video games, Mx. Technology-Has-Its-Limits-And-No-Flair?” Virgil inquired deadpanned and a series of mocking insults got exchanged between Janus and Virgil until their lunch break neared its end.

 ■ Chemistry from 13:15 to 14:45.

Virgil, Remus and Logan left the lunch table together and got into one of the few classes they all shared together. Nothing unusual came to be, expect for Remus somehow enhancing one of the mixtures they made so it sparkled and smelled terrible. At least it did not explode this time.

 ■ Break from 14:45 to 15:00.

Virgil broke off the group to get to track training, while Logan and Remus went to change for fencing practice.

 ■ Fencing from 15:00 to 16:30.

The usual training. Remus got closer beating him today. But not yet.

 ■ Arrival at home 17:00.

Virgil had met up with Logan after training and the two said goodbye to Remus and leisurely walked towards their respective homes. They arrived at 16:52 in front of Logan’s house, as usual and talked for a few minutes before Logan needed to get inside and wished Virgil a pleasant evening despite knowing fully well, they would text later tonight.

 ■ Doing homework until dinner at 18:30.

Taking a shower after fencing practice. Then homework. Finishing up an essay for Common tomorrow.

 ■ Finishing homework until 21:00.

Dinner was fine. They had noodles and green salad. Father wasn’t coming home today and Grey was staying out later due to a trainings exam he had. Logan didn’t mind. He managed to finish his homework around 20:34 and began to prepare for the night.

 ■ Getting ready for bed 22:00.

Logan had sent the last text to Virgil for the night and laid out his clothes for tomorrow. Comfortably, he packed his backpack and then went to brush his teeth, and clean whatever had been stuck in his braces before heading to bed.

 ■ Going to sleep 22:30.

Finally, Logan took of his glasses and turned the light off. It wasn’t entirely dark in his room though. There were stars glowing at his ceilings, playful little gadgets, his father had hung up there for his seventh birthday. Logan didn’t feel like taking them off yet and closed his eyes.

A usual day, he thought. Well, maybe not, he corrected himself. Since the twins, Patton and N had bullied their ways into his routine, had become part of his routine, he was never as sure as he used to be that his days would follow a certain pattern. A clearly laid-out path that he had thoughtfully created for himself over the years.

But maybe unusual, was not so bad after all, Logan Ward thought as he fell asleep.

___

@varthandi

@sammy-is-obsessed / @exhaustedfander

@alexisrealgay

@softie-sushi

@wolfs-feder

@just-a-neoclassical-painting

@winter-jay-official

@a-ghostlight-for-roman

[thealphabetmurders]

Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends

2.9k words | AO3 Link | warnings: hurt/comfort, alcohol, drink spiking (nothing bad, Remus wants to spike the punch at Prom), implied/referenced underage drinking, crying, self hatred, self-esteem issues, mentions of surgery.

Roman went to his senior prom by himself, depressed and lonely. Janus shows up and Roman is certainly is not going to leave alone.

(Roman wants people to love him, Janus comforts him and helps him realize there is only one person who he needs love from)

***

Roman tugged off his bowtie, hastily shoving it in his pocket and collapsed on the pavement next to his car, hitting his head against the metal as he fought back hot tears, still very aware that he was in public. He felt stupid, so incredibly stupid. Roman should have known that going to prom was a bad idea. Well, more like, going to Prom alone was a bad idea. 

Roman went as a 7th wheel with a group of theater kids he didn’t know too well, it becoming increasingly more obvious that they wanted him there mainly to take pictures (partially out of pity too, he’s sure). He felt happy for his friends during pictures, he was okay with paying for himself for dinner, he had to get his own punch and cake but that’s okay, but when the slow songs started playing and people paired off, Roman just couldn’t do it. Watching idly by as the music slowed and the couples looked at each other with love in their eyes… God it sucks. 

Clicking open his phone, wincing slightly at the bright screen, Roman estimated he had at least 15 minutes before he was found out and a member of his Prom group would attempt to come find him outside- outside alone. 

He was a pretty good actor, he would simply act like nothing was wrong, and just went out to his car to put his suit jacket in the backseat because it was getting hot. Despite the venue in question being freezing, it is not as though anyone would question him. Why would they care? Roman came to Prom alone, and he expects anyone to care about his well being? This is supposed to be the best and most romantic night of his high school career. Roman should be happy for his friends that they are happy!... And yet, here he was. 

The red jacket was tugged off and haphazardly thrown in the back seat of his car. He rolled up the sleeves of his black dress shirt, Roman was getting a bit warm in the spring weather. He sighed deeply, stretching his back and shoulders when he felt it: He touched his chest and saw 2 small black buttons had popped off of his shirt. Now, even if he wanted to put on his tie again, he couldn’t, and he didn’t have a sewing kit to put the buttons back on. 

Roman looked on the ground near his shoe and saw the offending piece of plastic, picking it up with shaky hands. He looked at the object, ghosts of strings around the 4 holes and he felt the dam break. 

Clutching the button so hard it hurt, he threw it across the parking lot, before collapsing on the trunk of his car, sobbing to himself. The warm metal felt nice against his bare forearms, though it was something he barely noticed, the tightness in his chest and throat being the only sensations he could focus on at the moment. 

Roman’s headache from the dehydration and the string of evil thoughts only grew plaguing his mind. Horrible thoughts swirled his consciousness, whispers to himself about how he would never find love and everyone around him was simply pretending to like him. He would never be good enough for anyone. Not a romantic partner, not his family, not his friends, and certainly not himself. 

After a good, long few minutes, the tears and sobs began to peter out. Though the corners of his eyes still felt moisture, no actual tears would fall. He stood up straight, rubbing his eyes and taking a couple calming breaths, hoping to turn his erratic breath back to normal. 

Roman felt himself calm down, that was until a voice appeared behind him. 

“I am guessing this is yours?” Roman nearly jumped out of his own skin, yelping, when he realised that there was someone standing behind him. 

The older man was standing there, definitely not dressed for Senior Prom, holding a small black object between his fingers. Janus smiled and tossed the button over to an unprepared Roman, who barely caught the offending piece of plastic. 

“H-how long have you been standing there?” Roman swallowed thickly. 

Janus’s face shifted into something Roman could not decipher, his gaze shifting away, “What answer do you want me to give you?” 

Roman inhaled deeply, biting his lip and feeling that tightness in his throat again, but refused to give in this time. “What are you doing here?” Opting to switch topics entirely rather than answer. 

Janus sighed, reaching for the bag that was casually slung over his shoulder, “Your brother texted me, saying he wanted me to bring vodka,”

Roman frowned, “Remus? Remus told me he didn’t want to come,”

“That is what he told me he told you as well, yes, but in the last hour or so he changed his mind. He said he only wanted to go so he could spike the punch,” He lifted the alcohol so Roman could barely see it, “I was happy to take him up on that. I also brought some bubbly for myself,” Janus peeked out another bottle, this one a corked one of champagne. 

Rolling his eyes, Roman gave Janus a pointed look, “Why exactly are you indulging Remus’ ideas?” 

Janus shrugged, “It happened at my Prom,” 

“By you?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. 

Janus smirked, chuckling slightly “I told my whole class that if they nominated me for Prom King that I would spike the punch. Guess who won and got wasted on Prom night?” 

Roman shook his head, smiling slightly, “I am sure the transphobes loved that,” 

Janus bit his lip, stifling a laugh that a part of Roman longed to hear, “Standing up on stage as the Prom King is almost on the same level as my top surgery in terms of absolute gender euphoria,” 

Roman nodded, his mouth smiling but his chest and head still ached, the corner of his eyes still burning, “Well, you should go meet Remus, I am sure he is most likely waiting for you by now,” 

Janus’ expression shifted from playful to concern and Roman cursed internally, “Roman, you are a fool if you believe I am just going to leave you out here alone,” Janus strode up to him and leaned against the car with him, arms and shoulders pressed up against one another, “You thinking I am going to simply ignore the fact that you were in hysterics not two minutes ago, makes me worry that you think I am an actual villain,” 

Roman didn’t say anything, he just looked down at his shoes, then glancing again at his shirt with the two buttons missing. He pulled at the strings left behind, littering them onto the pavement.

“Look, you do not have to talk about it. But, I do believe it would be beneficial to air out your problems,” Janus spoke cooly, looking up at the stars in the night sky. Roman looked at him from the corner of his eyes. His eyes trailed over his black curls, passing his eyebrow scar, and down to his long legs, one kicked up against the car, “Again, say something or don’t, but this is the last time I am going to bring it up,” 

Roman knew that if he simply said ‘Janus, I do not want to talk about this’, then the older man would drop it in an instant. However, he somehow couldn’t bring himself to lie in front of him, because he wanted nothing more than to spill his heart out to him. He never had anymore who seemed to care before. There was Remus, of course, but Roman always felt as though he had to protect his twin from himself, so he was the sounding board- he was the listener. Roman couldn’t have his own problems with Remus was already dealing with so much. Roman doesn’t have any friends he trusts to listen to his insecurities, even if he did, why would they care? He’s a bit lonely and doesn’t like the way he looks, so what? In the grand scheme of things, that doesn’t matter. When it comes to Roman, nothing matters. 

“Okay, so you don’t want to talk, that’s fine, but-” 

“I don’t think I am good enough,” Roman interrupted. 

When Janus realised there was no follow up, he nodded, “Good enough at what?” 

Roman chuckled weakly, “Where to start? I am not that good of a student, there are far superior singers than I, I don’t have the picture perfect blue eyed blonde hair appearance that everyone so classically loves, I do not exactly have any skills that no one can do better, and I also am loud and eccentric and awful. That is never going to change. No matter what I do, or who I pretend to be, everyone is always going to hate me and they are absolutely right to,”

Roman sniffled, and Janus noticed the way his voice got more choked up as he continued his tirade. There was only silence for a while, before Janus sighed, finally looking over at him. Roman made eye contact, feeling slightly dizzy and nervous looking into Janus’ deep brown eyes. 

Janus looked down, a redness that was only noticeable thanks to the street lights covered his cheeks. He stayed silent for a few moments before speaking, “I am not going to stand here and tell you all the things that I like about you, and why everything you just said is untrue. I am sure that you would just think I am lying to you anyway,” Roman winced at the words and looked down, the rhythms of his breathing starting to eradicate, “Hey, stay with me,” Janus pleaded, grabbing Roman wrist, and he looked up again, “I am not going to pretend to know what everyone thinks of you. I am sure there are plenty of people who do hate, more than you think,” 

Roman frowned, “Uh, than-” 

“Do please continue to interrupt me Roman, I will definitely reach my point faster that way,” Janus shook his head, and continued, “I am sure there are plenty of people who dislike you. There are plenty of people who dislike me too. I have hurt and lied and manipulated people. I am better now, but it doesn’t change the fact that those people will never like me. Knowing that, let me ask you this: does having many people hate me make me any less worthy of the life I am living?” 

Roman swallowed, “Well, no-” 

“Does me making mistakes in my past negate any progress I make in the future?” 

“No,” 

“Do I deserve to die, or experience pain because there are people who exist that dislike me?” 

“Obviously not, Janus, what-” 

Janus cut him off once again, “So, tell me Roman, why are you the exception? What exactly makes you so special that you think you are the only one who deserves the pain they are getting because, what, idiots in your Tech Theater class don’t like you?” 

Roman sighed, removing Janus’ grip of his wrist and running a hand through his hair, “I don’t think I deserve to get hurt or die because of that, it’s not that bad, I just…” Roman growled, frustrated, and hit the door of his car with the palm of his hand, “I have nothing to offer anyone!” He shouted, heartbroken, “Nothing to give. Anything I can do, I can think of 5 other people who could do it better. It’s not that I don’t deserve to live, it is just that I am unneeded and unwanted,” 

Clawing at his face, Roman felt the tears creep up again and wanted to shout and wanted to run away. He was so angry at himself and at his friends at and stupid kind and beautiful Janus. 

Roman turned away, still fighting off the tears, but Janus harshly grabbed his shoulder, turning him around, before using the collar of his shirt to pull him into a firm, comforting hug. Roman opened his mouth to speak, but Janus beat him to it, “I’m sorry. You don’t have to hide. I am here for you. I will stay out here as long as I have to. I am here for you,” He threaded his fingers through Roman’s hair, “I promise,” 

Roman’s will broke as he gripped the back of Janus’ flannel, sobbing into his shoulder once again, holding onto Janus so tightly he was afraid he would break the other man. Janus said nothing, simply letting Roman cry, rubbing his thumb on his back with one hand and running his hands through the locks of the younger’s hair with the other. 

“I apologise if what I said made things worse, that was not my intention in any way,” Janus said, guilt present in his voice. 

Roman shook his head sniffling, his voice hoarse and broken, “I know, don’t apologise. What you said was right. I just wish I had a little more, y’know, worth to people,”

There was a beat, and Janus spoke up after a while, “Can I ask you something, Roman?” 

The sobs had become less frequent, being replaced with silent tears and sniffles, “Okay,” He responded. 

Janus pulled back from their embrace, but still holding onto Roman, arms around his waist, “Why do you feel the need to judge your self worth based upon your output to others?” 

Frowning, Roman looked at Janus, “You sound like school, I don’t understand what you are saying,” 

“You seem to judge yourself based upon what you can do for other people,” Janus said, stepping closer to Roman. Roman arms went around Janus’ shoulders, their chests almost flushed against one another, “You keep saying that ‘people can do things better than me’ and ‘no one needs me’ and that you’re unattractive, all untrue statements, for the record, what about the things you do for yourself?” 

Roman swayed slightly, Janus following his movements, “I do not do anything for myself, I do not like myself enough to do so,” 

Janus chuckled, now moving his feet to lead the two around, ever so slightly, “Oh? Well, I certainly believe you,” 

“I don’t,” 

Janus gave Roman a pointed look, “You don’t dress yourself the way you do for yourself? You don’t style your hair or use the nice smelling shampoo or body wash for yourself? The music that you listen to while you exercise or in the car alone, who is that for other than you?” Roman stayed silent, letting Janus lead him in their dance and conversation, “You eat the food you want for yourself. You watch the movies and shows you want for yourself. You picked a red suit for Prom because red is your favorite color, you did it all for you. You live so much of your life simply for you, so why do you believe that you need to perform for others to have self worth?” 

Roman parted his lips slightly, looking at Janus. Janus let go of his waist, and then grabbed Roman’s hand to twirl him around, pulling him closer into his arms after the fact. The other man looked into Roman’s honey brown eyes, feeling very exposed, but also never more cared for, “You are going to spend your whole life with one person: yourself. In the end, it matters less what you can do for others, and more about what you should do for yourself. Roman, you need to fall in love with who you are, because there is so much about you to love,” Janus gently cupped his cheek, and Roman felt as though he could barely breathe. 

A few minutes of silence went by, Roman resting his head on Janus’ shoulder as they slow danced in the parking lot. No people around to impress. No music to follow the beat. This is just for them. Janus spoke up after a while.  “How are you feeling?” 

Biting his lip, Roman sighed, and he couldn’t fight the small smile that was on his face, “You, uh, you’re really good at this Janus,” 

Janus smiled softly, “It is unfortunately from experience, but I am getting better,” The older man took one of Roman’s hands and kissed his knuckles. Using that same hand, Janus pulled Roman in and softly kissed him on the cheek, the other almost melting under his touch. 

“What do you say, my prince? Shall we go inside? Perhaps have a proper dance?” Janus smirked, but not letting go Roman hand. 

“Are you even allowed inside? You graduated,” 

Janus shrugged, “Probably not, I am also most likely not supposed to give your brother vodka so he can spike the punch, so,” 

Roman couldn’t fight the smile and playful giggles that were now escaping his lips, “Self love is illegally sneaking in the former Prom King to your dance and spiking the punch for your awful classmate,” 

Janus kissed Roman’s cheek once more, “Now you are getting it, my prince,” 

The two walked hand and hand to meet up with Remus outside, his twin (also not dressed for Prom) wiggled his eyebrows and smirked, to which Roman put him in a headlock and tickled him till he couldn’t breathe. 

Roman distracted the supervisor as they snuck in the alcohol and spiked the punch, giggling and laughing the whole time. He didn’t look for the group he came with, they didn’t seem too concerned about his whereabouts anyway. That’s fine, he liked hanging out with Remus and Janus better anyway, comforted with the knowledge that they love him for him. And when his favorite song played while the two were in the bathroom, well, he danced wildly in the middle of the stage by himself, not needing to impress anyone, and having fun on that night for no one else but himself. 

[hippityhoppitygetofmyproperty]

My Heart Skips a Beat

Characters: Logan, Patton, Roman, Virgil

Ships: LAMP

Trigger Warnings: Unnamed heart condition, Improper medical stuff, Hospitals, Talk of death, Surgery mention, Food mention, Crying (I think that’s it, let me know if I need to add any!)

Genre: Hurt / Comfort

Word Count: 2032

Universe: Human AU

Ao3 link

This is based off of an outline that I saw that I wanted to flesh out. I cannot re-find that outline to give proper credit so please let me know If you know what outline I’m talking about! Anyways, hope you enjoy whatever this turned out to be!

(edit: The outline belongs to @teacupfulofstarshine, give some love to this beautiful person!)

--------------------

When they first started a relationship together, they knew about Patton.

Patton had a heart condition since birth that limits what he can do. But, since he’s had the condition since birth, he knew his limits. His family hoped he knew his limits after passing out and getting rushed to the hospital in middle school. He always told his close friends about it, mainly so they don’t push him too far.

Luckily, his 3 closest friends became his boyfriends.

They would always worry if he was okay, Virgil worrying the most. Whenever he would start to get a little dizzy doing something, Virgil would start asking questions making sure he was okay, Roman would scoop him up princess style and find the nearest seat, and Logan would start checking over him. That didn’t happen very often though, Patton wouldn’t let them worry that much.

Until it did start happening more. It turned from rarely ever to almost weekly,  while doing small things like their evening strolls that didn’t bother him before. They were wall worried about him, Patton was worried about himself. Now, he was standing at the kitchen counter booking an appointment with his doctor.

“Does Friday work for you?” The kind lady on the phone asked.

“Yes, that sounds perfect.” He replied, his tone somehow even despite how scared he was.

“Alright, we’ll see you then. Have a nice day, Mr.Baker.”

“You too.” He hung up the phone and released the breath he didn’t even know he was holding. Why must this happen? He has a good family, he has his boyfriends, why must his heart ruin it? It was then he felt a pair of arms snake around his waist.

“How are you doing, love?” Came Logan’s voice from behind.

“I’m fine, I’m just nervous.” He said as he gave way into the hug, the contact being a nice comfort while he dealt with this situation. 

“We all are, to be honest.” His grip tightened on Patton. “Hey, Roman and Virgil are laying out blankets so we can have a movie session.”

“That sounds great.”

Logan led Patton into the living room, where Virgil was fluffing pillows and Roman was shuffling through the Disney movies. Virgil caught sight of Patton and got up to help guide him towards the pull-out couch. He rolled his eyes and giggled slightly over his boyfriends’ concerned antics, but still allowed Virgil to help. Not long after they got Patton situated, Roman let out a small triumphant cry while holding up a movie case and moved over to the DVD player, letting Winnie the Pooh start-up on the screen, then went over to join the cuddle pile on the pull-out couch.

It was nice.

---

They wouldn’t let Patton go to his appointment alone, thought the doctors made them wait outside. They thought it was because of the testing, but it was really because Patton didn’t want them immediately in there if it’s bad news.

After the testing, the doctor told him the results.

Of course it was bad news. His heart condition has worsened.

“Would you like the others to come in? If so, we can discuss options to help correct the situation once they’re in here.” The doctor said.

Patton plastered on a smile, trying to be brave for his loves and not cry.  “Yes, that would be great.”

The doctor opened the door and motioned for Logan, Roman, and Virgil to come in. They immediately sat down next to Patton, in return, they got a small, soft smile.

“First thing’s first, the heart condition has gotten worse, as a result, making it harder for Mr.Baker to do activities that normally would be no problem.” They just nodded in understanding, not really knowing what to say. Virgil scooted closer to Patton so he can rest his head on him. “Though there is a surgery that we can perform to correct the condition.”

You could almost feel Patton’s hopefulness radiating off of him.

“What are the risk, if any?” asked Logan, of course he would think about that.

“That is the bad part. There is a 68% chance of there being further complications or death. Without the surgery, he has a prognosis of around 3-6 months.” The doctor looked at the faces in the room, ranging from disbelief to agony. “I’m just going to step out for a few minutes to allow you all to decide. If you don’t decide now, you can contact the front desk and they’ll direct the call to me to discuss specifications.” On that note, the doctor walked out of the room.

 Patton broke.

Virgil moved Patton on top of him while both Roman and Logan grabbed a hand and rubbed soothing circles into the back of them.

“So what are you going to do?” Roman asked from next to him.

“I think I’m going to do get the surgery.” Patton’s voice was barely louder than a whisper. He could feel Virgil tense behind him.

“You heard the risks though. You know that there is a pretty high probability that you could die or get harmed more.” Came Virgil’s voice, clearly worried. Patton didn’t want them to worry. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything else through his tears, so he just nodded his head and nuzzled closer into Virgil.

Logan was able to find the words Patton couldn’t, “Yes, but Virgil, you heard his prognosis. If he doesn’t take this chance…” His voice trailed off, not really wanting to end that sentence.

The knock of the doctor broke the occurring silence.

“Have you made your decision, or are you going to need to call back?”

Patton nodded and wiped the stray tears off of his face, “Yeah, I’m going to get the surgery.”

“Great. If we move towards the front desk, we can schedule a date.”

After they had a scheduled date for next week, they drove straight home, Roman comforting a crying Patton on his lap and letting a few tears fall himself. Once they got home, Roman carried Patton inside while the other two followed, Virgil got the blankets and Logan pulled out the couch so they could have a proper cuddle pile. Once they got comfy, Patton broke down again and so did his boyfriends, just a bit quieter. 

“I’m just… really scared.” Came Patton’s voice. It sounded so weak and fragile that it broke everyone’s heart even more.

“We understand, puffball,” Roman’s voice sounded thick from worry and tears. “This is a scary situation, you have a right to be scared.”

Patton choked out another sob, “I just don’t want to lose you guys.” At that, everyone tightened their hold on him.

Logan’s voice spoke up for the first time in a while, “You won’t lose us, we’ll make sure of it.” Whether the statement was made out of denial or determination, who knew.

They spent the rest of the day cuddling and watching movies until they eventually passed out while in the middle of Frozen.

When Patton woke up the next morning, the first thing he noticed was the lack of warmth, the next was hushed murmurings. He shifted a bit so he could find who was making the noise, catching the notice of his boyfriends by doing so. Roman then walked over and picked Patton up to set him down at the table.

“I can walk, you know.”

“Yes, but we’re not allowing you to walk more than you have to, Patty-cake.” Declared the dramatic man as he sat Patton down in a seat.

“Though, we are allowing you to walk every once in a while so you are not at risk of blood clots.” Logan’s voice called out from the stove, the smell of whatever he was making in the air. He then plated whatever it was and set it in the middle of the table.

Virgil took his seat next to Patton and gave the kind man a small squeeze. “We just don’t want you to overexert yourself, Cookie.” The use of their high school nicknames made Patton giggle.

“So, what do ya guys have planned for today. Surely it’s gotta be something interesting by the way you were all whispering.” Patton said as he started to fill his plate with food.

“Well, little Puffball,” Roman started from behind him, “We’re going to be having the best week ever before your surgery, starting with a trip to the shelter so you can play with the dogs.”

“That sounds great!” Patton all but shouted from his spot at the table. A week where he can spend it having fun with his boyfriends, amazing.

---

And amazing it was.

They spent the week making sure it was Patton’s best, going to his favorite places, watching his favorite movies, the absolute best cuddles, and overall made him feel special and loved. The best part though was the final night before the surgery where they blindfolded Patton while leading him to a certain spot. When they removed the blindfold off of Patton, he didn’t know what to say. They had set up a picnic in the park, but the area of the park they were at was what made Patton so speechless.

“Is this-”

“The place where we held our first date? Indeed, it is.” Logan finished for him, which he was grateful for. “We thought it would be nice to have another picnic at the place where it all started.”

“Yeah, who could forget the place where princey ran straight into a tree.” Virgil said, a squeak of defiance could shortly be heard after he received a smack from Roman.

“I think it’s lovely!” Patton looked at the picnic setup on top of the hill… great, a hill. He’s been feeling a bit dizzy from all of the stuff they’ve been doing leading up to the picnic. Before he could ask for help up there, he let out a yelp as Roman picked him up.

The picnic itself was a beautiful time. They had the same thing on their first date, pasta with a side salad, Roman rolled down the hill and ran into the same tree, Virgil started a food fight with everyone, and they ended the night with stargazing.

---

The next day was Patton’s surgery. They all had to wake up early, much to Virgil’s reluctance, to drive him to the hospital so they could prep him. Then they wait.

They were all scared in that waiting room. Why wouldn’t they? Their puffball was in surgery, a surgery that had a high chance of a side effect called death.

Roman went to the cafeteria to get some hot chocolate for everyone at some point, coffee was a no-go with their nerves already on edge, Logan was trying to keep Virgil from burning a hole in the floor, despite possibly being more worried than the ball of anxiety himself, and Virgil was trying to not go through all the different outcomes of the surgery.

After who knows how long, the doctor walked into the waiting room.

Patton’s surgery was a success.

You could practically feel the relief wash over the room.

“He hasn’t woken up yet from the anesthesia, but you are still allowed to wait in his room.” The doctor informed them right before he showed them to Patton’s room.

When they opened the door, their eyes laid on Patton laying in his bed. Unconscious but alive.

---

The first thing Patton registered when he woke up was the bright light, why is it so bright? The next was someone holding his hand. He turned his head to investigate, only for a smile to grace his lips as he saw Virgil passed out while holding his hand. He looked over Virgil’s shoulder to see that Roman and Logan fell asleep in the same chair close by, Roman looking more like a koala with how tight he was holding Logan.

It was a warming sight.

Patton decided not to bother their peace and go back to sleep. The main worry was over, he survived and now he can live his life with his wonderful boyfriends. He let that be his thought process as he drifted off to sleep surrounded by his loves.

[siren1song]

For You

Summary: Logan and Roman are celebrating five years of marriage and get so incredibly distracted before they're even able to work on their plans for the day.

Warnings: None I can think of

Pairing: Logince

Word Count: 1,683

General Taglist: @acanvasofabillionsuns, @emo-disaster, @greenninjagal-blog, @jungle321jungle, @sleepy-sides, @gattonero17, @another-sandersidesblog, @strawberryjellystuff, @logic-with-a-pinch-of-deceit, @gr3ml1n-loser, @firey-alex, @orca-iguana, @spooky-scary-virgil, @yalltookmyurlideas, @sanderssidesweirdo, @stormypaint, @just-a-little-bit-gay-oops, @dying-is-a-hobby, @rose-gold-roman, @the-angry-ship, @rosesisupposes, @just-perhaps

Notes: Birthday fic for @main-chive. Ren you’re an amazing person ilysm

Commissions!! | Buy Me a Kofi!! | Join Casper’s Crew!! | Ao3 Link!!

There was so many things Logan loved about his husband. He could try to list them, but then he’d be stuck in bed with Roman’s arm thrown over his waist and head on his chest while Logan himself stared at the ceiling all day.

Well… he’d say the rest of the week but Logan wasn’t really one for exaggeration.

Maybe he’d list the top ten things and then get out of bed to make his love some breakfast? Learning to cook had been going well, and Logan didn’t want Roman to be the only one to make meals.

Alright, that sounded like a reasonable compromise. How to order this list though?

As Logan was trying to figure out if he wanted to go in descending or ascending order of some of his favorite things about Roman, his husband grunted in his sleep and shifted until his head was tucked just under Logan’s chin.

No particular order then.

“One,” he started, whispering softly as he removed his hand from behind his head to run his fingers through Roman’s hair, “incredibly adorable when sleeping.”

“Are you making lists while I’m trying to sleep again?” Roman mumbled, his voice hoarse but still full of amused affection at Logan’s actions.

“Yes, but this time the list centers around you. Surely that gives me a free pass?” he asked, unable to help the lift of the corners of his mouth, his heart metaphorically melting in his chest.

“Mmm, I suppose. The first one was calling me adorable?”

Logan chuckled, eyes tracking his husband as he shifted to supporting himself on his elbow so he could look down at Logan properly.

“Yes, when you’re sleeping you tend to get as close to me as possible and it makes me feel incredibly ‘mushy.’”

Another hum from Roman that turned into a yawn where he leaned back a little too far and landed on his back in the bed next to Logan.

“What’s the list then? All the features that make me the most attractive? You better not forget my love handles. Or the mole on my chin. They’re very important to how pretty I am.”

Gods above and below, Logan loved this man.

“And your surgery scars, and your crooked teeth, and your acne scars. Everything about you is beautiful, love. The list is some of the things I love bout you, in no particular order.”

Roman hummed (a little more successfully this time) with a little smile from Logan’s praise of his looks.

“No order this time? You usually try to at least go in ascending from least to most.”

Logan sat up, back pressed against the wall as he watched his husband with a soft smile.

“Yes well, pardon me for being unable to figure out any one thing about you I love more than anything else.”

Narrowing his eyes, Roman tilted his head in Logan’s direction, not doing much else to move.

“Are you buttering me up for something love?”

There was a snort, and Logan rolled his eyes.

“Have you forgotten it’s our anniversary we’re going to be going to the sunflower fields Janus has been taking care of?”

Roman shot up at the reminder, grin bright as his eyes locked on the closet.

“Oh, I can’t wait to wear the sun dress and sun hat I bought for this trip!”

Logan chuckled, mentally listed Roman’s enthusiasm for fashion at number two, and then prepared himself to leave the bed.

“Alright, you get dressed, I’ve got my own things to do to prepare.”

Roman waved him off, rolling out of the bed, slapping his chubby stomach in excitement a few times before going to the closet.

Gods above and below Logan loved that man.

At number three, Logan put Roman’s stimming with his own weight, and then he left the room to go take a shower before he got started on breakfast.

While he was getting dressed, Roman knocked on the bathroom door to get his attention.

“Yes dear?”

“Would you plug in the curling iron before you leave the bathroom? I want to be a little more feminine than usual today.”

Logan smiled, glancing towards Roman’s basket of hair products.

“Of course, love. I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

“Thank you!”

When Logan was dressed in a comfortable pair of jeans and a blue tshirt he left the bathroom (having plugged in Roman’s curling iron and noting the closed bedroom door) and made his way to the kitchen.

He was going to do his best to make a simple breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, and sausage. Hopefully nothing would burst into flames this time.

“Logan, love, what are you doing?” Roman asked, entering the kitchen dressed in a beautiful sun dress that really complimented his body and his sun hat in his hands.

Looking to the eggs Logan was currently trying to save, he sighed.

“I’m attempting to cook breakfast. I managed the sausage and bacon, but at one point the eggs started to burn and I’m not entirely sure how to fix it.”

Roman’s smile was amused, and Logan knew he was doing his best not to tease Logan’s lack of skill in the kitchen.

“I’m flattered by the attempt love, but it’s not my birthday, today is a day for both of us. Why don’t you sit down and I’ll remake the eggs.”

Logan sighed, giving Roman a grateful smile as he sat heavily in his usual chair.

When Roman pressed a kiss to the top of his head, Logan’s heart swelled with affection and he couldn’t resist bringing his husband down for a peck on the lips.

The giggle Roman responded with only made Logan want to kiss him again.

“If you distract me with kisses we’ll have to get take out for breakfast,” Roman said, another giggle escaping his throat.

“Alright, I suppose your right. I’ll distract you with kisses after breakfast. Janus will have to tolerate us being a little late.”

His husband snorted, moving over to the stove to work on fixing Logan’s mistakes.

“We’re always late to everything on our anniversaries. Can we be on time for once?”

Logan let out an offended gasp, taking his years of watching Roman being dramatic to heart to really sell the fact he’s not at all offended.

“You would rather we skip out on our tradition of loving kisses and you trying to get away from my attempts to tickle you?”

Roman looked over his shoulder from where he was getting the pan ready to soak to get the burnt egg off easier to give Logan a look of exasperated fondness.

“As much as I love your kisses, I would like to cut out the squirming away from you jabbing your fingers into my sides from our “anniversary traditions,” love.”

Logan hummed, resting his arm on the back of his chair and his chin on top of it.

“Alright then, I suppose. I have other ways I can get you to squeal in that adorable way of yours.”

His husband huffed loudly, but Logan saw his smile as he turned back to the sink and turned off the water.

“You live to embarrass me. Five years of marriage and you have no respect for the love of your life? Honestly, Logan.”

Logan was about to retort, but the number got stuck in his mind, distracting him while he watched Roman work.

Five years. He’d been married to the most wonderful enby he’d ever met for five years. What a thought that was.

“Love? Logan?”

Logan hummed, blinking a little to get his mind back to the present and to stop counting the years in moments of Roman making him absolutely fall.

“You spaced out a little bit. Are you still trying to finish that list from earlier?” Roman asked, glancing at Logan while doing his best to keep his attention on the food he was making.

“Ah, no, actually. I think I forgot to continue that list after number three,” was his answer, smiling sheepishly when Roman gave him his full attention for longer than a few seconds.

“You forgot to continue a list after only three items?”

Laughing at his husbands shock, Logan stood from his seat so he could wrap his arms around Roman’s waist and press a kiss to his temple.

“In my defense, there’s so much to love about you I couldn’t figure out what to put next. You’re amazing in so many ways.”

Roman leaned back against him, shifting the eggs in the pan.

“Not in every way?”

“I love you, but nothing can redeem your blanket hogging habits or your inability to not sing awfully whenever a “meme song” comes on.”

With a snort that Roman tried his best to hide, he looked up at Logan with a grin, kissing his cheek.

“I don’t sing awfully, I sing to irritate you. There’s a difference.”

“What would that difference be, love? To scream in varying pitches that do not work well together?” Logan asked, leaning back a bit to give Roman a disbelieving look.

Roman’s cheeky grin was soon taken from him as he looked back at what he was cooking.

“The difference is you like my singing normally. So I have to make myself sound as bad as possible in order for you to get irritated because you know just how exquisite I actually sound.”

“Ah yes, of course, how could I be so misinformed? Clearly singing awfully and irritating me are two entirely different things.”

“Exactly! Glad you’re open to learning from your mistakes.”

Logan laughed, stepping back from his husband and shaking his head as he sat back at the table.

“I would say your insufferable, but I agreed to suffer you for the rest of our lives five years ago. So I suppose that would be an inaccurate statement.”

“Yep!”

As Logan rolled his eyes, he couldn’t help but think that he may not have been able to finish his list of things he loved about Roman, but he could tell that his favorite thing about his husband was Roman himself.

[strawberries-on-the-ground]

You Scared Us, Stormy

Relationships: Prinxiety, Parent!Logicality

Summary: Virgil has a motorbike accident and Roman is terrifed for him

Warnings: near death experience, car accident, (probably false) medical talk

(tell me if I need to add anything)

AO3 Link

---

"Virgil's in the hospital."

Virgil's in the hospital. He's been in an accident and he's in the hospital.

These were the words he heard from Virgil's dad, Logan. After learning which hospital, Roman rushed to his car and as soon as he closed the door, tears started coming one after another. He drove to the hospital in the heavy rain, parked his car badly and rushed to the building.

He went to the waiting area of the operating room according to Logan's text. Logan and Patton were leaning against each other. Patton was comforting Logan who was crying softly. Patton's eyes indicated that he also had his own sobbing fit. Roman felt as if he was invading their privacy. When Patton realized he was there, Roman looked like a mess. He was soaking wet, his tears and raindrops on his face were indistinguishable from each other and his throat felt sore from crying.

"Hey, kiddo. He is in surgery."

"The doctor said that he had broken ribs and arm, they suspect muscle and nerve damage and his head doesn't seem to have any major injury." Logan explained.

"Okay, okay. Um, how are you, is there anything I can do for you?"

Patton shook his head. Roman sat in a chair facing the Sanders who seemed to calmed down. After what felt like hours, a nurse came out of the room. They rushed to him.

"Dr. Pierce will explain everything in a moment." he smiled at them emphaticly. Couple of minutes later, the doctor came out of the door. All three were waiting near the door.

"I take you are Virgil Sanders' parents?" she asked, adressing Logan and Patton, they nodded.

"He took most damage on his ribs and his right arm and, as you know, he didn't take any damage on the spinal cord but he does have minor nerve damage on his shoulders and neck, meaning he will most likely need physical therapy. We repaired his ribs with metal plates. We had a good surgery but I can’t really say anything for certain. We'll keep him in the ICU for a while, you have at the very least 3 hours before you see him in there. I suggest you feed yourselves, go home and bring clothes because he will stay at the hospital for a couple of days." she said and asked "Do you have any questions?"

"How long is he going to stay in the ICU?" Logan asked.

"At least for 12 hours. After that, we'll see how he is."

“Is he going to be okay?” Patton asked.

“We are doing everything we can and will continue to do so for him to get better.”

After asking some questions and thanking the doctor, Logan and Patton decided they would ask Virgil's uncle Thomas to bring some clothes. That seemed to be the only advice they listened to from the doctor as they didn't even think about food before Roman brought them sandwiches and coffee.

"Thank you, Roman. We appreciate you being here but you should go home and rest. As the doctor said, Virgil will be in the ICU all night." Patton put his hand on top of Roman's and smiled.

"He is right, there is no point of all of us being here. You can come back tomorrow morning and see him." Logan agreed.

It took some convincing to get Roman to go home. He went back to his car and sat there for a while to put himself together enough to drive. He opened the sun visor and took the photo on it, Virgil and Roman smiling to the camera in front of Roman's car and Virgil's bike. 

Virgil begged his parents for it for months and was extremely happy when they got him one. He promised to be careful and he was, he always wore his helmet which probably saved his life.

He got home and as his twin brother opened the door, he said "You look like hell."

"I feel like it, Remus."

"What happened?" his dad called out from the kitchen.

Roman went to the kitchen with Remus and sat in a chair. "Virgil was in a car accident."

After explaining what he knew to his father and Remus, he went to his room and Remus followed.

"Are you okay? He is going to be okay, like you said, the operation went well."

Roman sat down to his bed. "I just, I love him so much, Remus and I always thought I would have time to tell him that." Roman took a deep breath "I just- I just fell so scared for him."

"I know, Ro." Remus hugged his brother tightly. "He is going to be okay and you are going to be really happy together. Like, like building a garden together happy, you know, with dogs and cats and kids..."

"Two kids, and we're gonna have violet tulips in the garden because it's his favorite." Roman interrupted, smilling.

Remus made Roman take a shower and eat some soup after he calmed down a little more. After the soup, Roman got sleepy and with the text from Logan saying Virgil was stable, he fell asleep.

☆

Roman woke up because of a nightmare in which Virgil faded in Roman's arms. After his heartbeat got to a normal level, he checked his phone, and read the text from last night again.

Update: the doctor told us that Virgil is still unconsious but stable.

-Logan Sanders, 2:14 am

The text was sent four hours earlier. I should get up, he thought.

"Hey, Ro." Roman was greeted by his twin brother who was making coffee, "I knew you'd be up early."

☆

"You seem a lot better today." Remus commented as their father drove them to the hospital. They visited the Sanders.

"Good morning, any news?"

"Hello Ethan, thank you for coming and unfortunately no, they said his situation is still critical." Logan explained.

"If there's anything, and I mean anything, that we can do to help, do not hesitate to ask." Ethan replied.

"Thank you." Patton responded.

"I hope Virgil to gets better soon. I wish I could stay here and be useful but my plane is in two hours." Remus said.

"Back to school?" Patton asked.

"Yes, sir." he replied and and added, "Please keep me updated, Ro."

"Of course."

After Ethan and Remus left, Patton’s brother Thomas joined them and the world's longest wait has begun.

☆

Roman was going insane when the nurse came and told them that they would be able to visit him in the ICU.

“You need to go one by one though.” she added. 

She also said they each had a minute. They wore sanitary masks and other equipment. Roman went in last to see Virgil laying in bed with an oxygen mask and a lot of wires around him. Roman tried to ignore how pale he looked.

“Hey, Virge. You gave us quite a scare.” he took a deep breath and tried to keep a trail of thought, “You’re going to wake up, right? Because we have a lot to do together. We still haven’t gone all those musical festivals, we still haven’t-” he sobbed. “I-I need you to wake up. I love you. I need you.” he took Virgil’s hand. “And if you don’t love me, that’s alright but I still need you in my life, okay?” The nurse came to tell him it was time to get out. “I’ll see you later, buddy.”

That afternoon, Dr. Pierce told them that Virgil was getting better and that they expected him to wake up soon. 

☆

“Hey, Virgil.” Logan said, smiling.

Virgil was taken out of the ICU and put in a private room. He looked extremely sleepy.

“Hey.” his voice sounded like a whisper.

“How are you feeling, my little cloud?” Patton asked.

“Tired and thristy.”

Shortly after he drank the water given to him, Virgil fell asleep. He looked a lot less paler than before, Roman realized.

☆

The next day, when Roman got to the hospital, Virgil looked a lot better. Logan taught Roman how to help Virgil get up so he wouldn’t hurt his ribs. Patton went home to wash some clothes and bring new ones. After Logan sat Virgil down, he kissed his son’s forehead and went out to eat something.

“You scared us, stormy.” Roman said, smilling.

“I’m about to scare you some more.” Virgil said.

“What?”

“When the car hit, when I thought I was going to die, I realised I didn’t regret anything more than-” he held Roman’s hand and pulled him closer, “I’m not sure where this confidence comes from.” He chuckled, “I only regretted never trying, well, here goes nothing.” Roman couldn’t understand what was happenning, he couldn’t give himself hope, he felt like his heart was beating all over his body. “I love you, Roman.”

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You don’t have to say-”

“I love you, too.” Roman cut Virgil off, “I’ve loved you for so long.” he said, looking at Virgil like he was the most precious being on earth. Virgil smiled, he put his hands on Roman’s waist and pulled him even closer. Roman brushed his hand on Virgil’s cheek and pulled him into a kiss.

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

Royal Growing Pains - Chapter Seven

Warnings: Homophobia, transphobia, misgendering, sympathetic Deceit

Royal Growing Pains Tag

They continued for about half an hour, Remy just humming and writing things down and muttering to himself, and Roman just thinking. Thinking about how he would finally get to look and feel like a man. Thinking about how he’d be able to go by Roman and have no one question it. Thinking about how he’d get to medically transition, at least with top surgery, because he knew he wanted that for himself.

...Thinking about how his family would react when they saw what the Byrons did. Thinking about how furious his mother would be. Thinking about how glacial his father’s reaction to Roman would be. Thinking about Remus. Would Remus be allowed to visit him? Or would his parents cut him off?

He knew the second option was the far more likely one. And if Remus ever snuck out to see Roman and just hang out for a few hours, and he got caught, Remus might wind up in a situation painfully similar to Roman’s: stuck with a wife who would keep him from being able to leave the castle at any time without either dragging her along or telling her where he would go. And of course, it didn’t matter that Remus was asexual, and demiromantic, he’d get someone he was doomed to never know or trust as a spouse.

Roman couldn’t breathe. Tears were falling down his face and he was trying to suck in a breath but it wasn’t working, and he was feeling impossibly light-headed because of it.

In an instant, Remy was in front of him, pulling the binder off of Roman, and holding him close, shushing him gently. “Hey, Roman, it’s okay, it’s okay, breathe for me? In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. Can you do that for me? Just breathe. It’s gonna be okay. I promise.”

Roman sobbed into Remy’s shoulder, his own arms up trying to cover his chest, so he didn’t have to remember it was there, so that he couldn’t see the two heaving mounds of flesh when he tried to suck in air. It wasn’t working. He was too aware of his body, too obsessed over the fact that he wouldn’t get to see his brother, too tired to do anything except bawl his eyes out in front of a virtual stranger.

Remy guided him to the floor, and slowly helped rehook Roman’s bra on him and pull his button up over his arms, doing the buttons with expert efficiency. Roman just continued to cry, sobs tapering off some now that the panic of not being able to breathe was gone, but he still couldn’t fight the hollow feeling of being truly and utterly alone, alienated from his entire family.

“Babes, tell me what you need,” Remy said. “If you can. Do you need water? A snack? Comfort? What has you panicking?”

“I’m...I’m...I’m...” Roman took a deep breath. “I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. I won’t be able to see my brother ever again once my parents realize what’s going on.”

“Not true, babes,” Remy said. “If nothing else, Damien can kidnap your brother and bring him over here if you really want to talk to him. But your brother is his own person. No matter what your mother threatens, or what your father says, no one can stop him from coming here if that’s what he wants.”

“They can, though,” Roman whimpered. “They could kick him out, and I don’t want him taking that risk.”

Remy sighed through his nose. “Listen, babes, we can argue all night over whether or not you’ll get to see your brother again. But at the end of the day, I don’t think that’s going to make you feel better, is it?”

“No,” Roman breathed.

“How about this,” Remy said, patting Roman’s knee. “I go find someone who knows you better than I do, and knows about you being trans, and you can talk with them?”

“Sure,” Roman said. “Do you...do you need more measurements, though?”

“Hm? Oh, no,” Remy said. “I already double-checked everything. I just really like having a captive audience, and I’ve been known to talk for hours at a time, so I could keep you here the rest of the night, but I don’t think that would be the best idea.”

Roman sniffled and laughed weakly. “Okay,” he said.

“I’ll go grab someone better equipped for this than me,” Remy said.

Roman grabbed Remy’s hand as he stood up. “Can you get Damien?” he pleaded.

Remy looked briefly surprised, before he nodded. “Yeah, of course, babes,” he assured. “Deep breaths, okay? I’ll be right back. Play on your phone, if you have it. Keep yourself occupied, and try not to think too much.”

Roman felt at his pockets before he realized his mother must still have his phone. “I’ll have to ask my mother for my phone tomorrow morning,” Roman said miserably. “She confiscated it after my coming out.”

Remy growled. “She’s certainly not endearing herself to anyone in this castle, that’s for sure. Hang tight, babes. I’ll be right back.”

Roman nodded and when Remy left, Roman tucked his knees under his chin and wrapped his legs in a vice grip. He was still crying, but he felt hollow rather than impossibly sad, now. The worst of the storm had passed, then. Unless this was actually the eye of the hurricane, in which case Roman had better grab a box of tissues.

He didn’t know how long he sat there, just staring off into space. The sun had set during dinner, so the room was bathed in the warm, albeit faint glow of artificial lighting, but the moon wasn’t within Roman’s sightline even if he looked out the window.

The door opened softly and Remy gestured inside. Damien walked through, murmured a quiet, “Thank you,” and Remy closed the door to give them privacy as Damien approached Roman.

Roman looked up as Damien approached, and sat down next to Roman, wrapping an arm around Roman’s shoulders. “I don’t want to be alone,” Roman rasped. “I don’t want to be here the rest of my life and never see Remus again.”

“My dear, I would never allow that to happen,” Damien assured.

“You can’t promise that!” Roman exclaimed. “You can’t promise that Remus will be able to see me! You don’t know my parents! They would cut me off from the family, never speak to me again, and if Remus was caught communicating with me he would...he would...he would meet the same fate they planned for me. Hetero ever after.”

Damien gave Roman’s shoulders a squeeze and murmured, “My dear, I could request for him to come over for conferences. I could invite him to dinners. To ceremonies. They couldn’t refuse him coming over to those events without risking me raising hell. And I would raise hell, my dear, purely because you love your brother and want to see him.”

Roman swiped at his eyes and whimpered. “I don’t want to be here,” he whispered. “You’re very sweet, Your Highness, and I’m pleased to be your friend, but I would rather be at home, somewhat miserable being in the closet around my parents. I don’t want to be forcibly shoved back into the closet by my mother and have her lock the door and throw away the key. It just...Your Highness—Damien...I just...I know that in a week I will get my way. And they can’t take back the marriage. But...knowing what I have to go through to get to the end of this week, and knowing that the consequences will last much longer than that...it hurts.”

“I can’t even imagine,” Damien said. “I know you can get through it, my dear prince. I know it will hurt like hell, but you can get through it. Because you’ve come this far. I don’t want you coming this far just to give up.”

Roman’s chest ached. “I can’t do it, Damien,” Roman said softly. “I can’t.”

“You can,” Damien said. “However...that does not necessarily mean you should. You shouldn’t have to hide who you are. Right now, though, it is necessary as a safety measure. But believe me, Roman, I will do everything in my power to ensure that you will get to see your brother. Whether you are out of the closet or not.”

Roman’s chest still ached, but his heart did warm some at that declaration. A cute guy reassuring him that everything would be all right, and that he would get what he wanted in the end, even if there was a while to go before he could get to it...he felt like he was in a romance novel. “I hope you realize you sound like the male protagonist in a stereotypical rom-com,” Roman said to Damien.

Damien laughed, his nose wrinkling as he tried to stifle his giggles, putting a hand to his mouth. “Well, I am telling the truth,” he said when the giggles subsided. “Most men in romantic comedies are gentlemen in the traditional sense by the end of the movie. And I may get into mischief, my dear, but I am nothing if not a gentleman.”

“A gentleman who just so happens to get into paint wars,” Roman giggled.

“Precisely,” Damien said with a soft smile.

Roman shook his head and laughed softly, so softly he could barely hear it himself. “Thank you,” he said. “That made me feel just a little bit better.”

“I’m happy to help,” Damien said, giving Roman’s shoulder another squeeze. “You do all the hard work, though. All I have to do is remember to use she and Veronica around your mother. You’re the one who has to bear the pain that brings.”

Roman sighed. “Yeah. And it’s not a light sting, either. It’s a dagger through the heart. Because it reminds me that for every person I know who accepts me, there are at least two more who won’t. And two of the people who matter the most are among those who would prefer me dead to being a man.”

Damien shook his head, and Roman was surprised to see unshed tears in his eyes. “The sheer amount of times you must have felt that pain, by my own hands...it’s unacceptable.”

“It’s okay, Damien—”

“—No, Roman, it’s not,” Damien said, cutting Roman off. “I know that using your deadname is a safety precaution for the next week. I am referring to when your mother brought you over here.”

“You didn’t know any better,” Roman said. “There’s no way you could have known.”

“My knowing or not is not what matters,” Damien said. “What matters is whether you were hurt or not. And you were hurt. I’m not trying to make this about me, but I can’t help but feel upset knowing that I hurt you the same way your parents have.”

Roman looked at Damien, really looked at him, and noticed the slight trembling in his body, the stiffness in his posture, the unshed tears in his eyes continuing to build up until he blinked and they started to fall. Roman swiped the tears away with the pad of his thumb. “But that’s the thing, Damien. You didn’t hurt me the same way my parents did. When I came out to you, it was like a switch was flipped and you instantly started using my real name and pronouns. You may have tripped up, but you made the effort. Something that my parents never did. You may have inadvertently hurt me this morning, but when I told you what was going on you stopped. The only reason you do it now is because the risk of injury is greater if you don’t do it around my mother, and even then you simply try to avoid using my name, rather than simply deadnaming and misgendering me, and expecting me to grin and bear it. You didn’t hurt me the way they did. You never would.”

Damien laughed and Roman sent him a quizzical look. “We’re both miserable right now,” Damien explained. “And I predicted that the both of us would be miserable for at least the first day, if not for longer, although it was for an entirely different reason. I thought we’d be miserable over the marriage, not over the fact that your parents are trying to kill you slowly.”

Roman laughed. “Oh, yeah. I could imagine that. Both of us sulking in our rooms that night, you because you’re forced to marry a woman you can’t love, myself because I’m forced to marry a man who doesn’t know who I truly am.”

Damien offered Roman a weak grin. “I’d say this is a better way to be miserable, however.”

“True,” Roman laughed. “Oh, and I will warn you for tomorrow morning...I can’t dance. Like, at all. I constantly trip over my feet and step on other people’s toes. The dance lessons we both know our mothers will force us to go to, in order to decide what we want our first dance to be, are not for you, but for me.”

“That’s quite all right, my dear,” Damien said with a soft smile. “I don’t mind if my toes get stepped on a couple times. It would mean that you’re safe, and that is enough to get me through any pain from crushed toes.”

Roman offered Damien a smile. “If I didn’t know any better, Damien, I would say that you like me.”

“Oh, shut up,” Damien said. “You can make gay jokes all you like when we’re alone, but that does not mean I’ll humor you with them. You will have to be enough to amuse yourself by.”

Roman heaved a put-upon sigh. “Oh, all right,” he groaned. “But if I see you crack a smile at one of those jokes, I will be calling you out on it.”

“I would expect nothing less,” Damien said with a smile. “Do you feel better?”

“Marginally,” Roman said. “Laughter is good for the soul, and I think I would be able to sleep tonight without crying myself into exhaustion first.”

“Then shall I escort you to bed?” Damien asked. “You have been up here for a while, and I don’t know when you fall asleep normally...”

“I generally sleep around midnight, in my time zone, without exception,” Roman said. “I’ve never had to travel halfway around the world before, so I haven’t struggled with time zones there. But I will say that I believe our kingdoms are in the same time zone, and if I do fall asleep before midnight, it would be due to sheer simple exhaustion.”

Damien offered Roman a rueful smile. “Unfortunately, I believe that you’ll be asleep the moment your head hits the pillow tonight.”

“I don’t doubt it,” Roman sighed, before stretching with a yawn.

Damien stood and helped Roman to his feet, grabbing Roman's suit coat. “For what it’s worth, my dear, I’m very happy that you requested I be the one Remy fetch for you.”

“He told you that?” Roman asked, cheeks flaring red.

“He was a little panicked about your well-being, and therefore I was able to get a little more information out of him than usual. Had he gotten anyone else, I’m sure he wouldn’t have divulged even why you were panicking, but he must have assumed that I would understand why you were so distressed if you asked after me,” Damien said. “Don’t blame him.”

“I might still call him a snitch,” Roman said.

Damien laughed and walked over to the door, Roman trailing behind him. Remy was on the other side of the door, waiting. “The room is all yours, Remy,” Damien said. “Thank you for fetching me.”

“Next time, though, don’t tell him I asked for him specifically, snitch,” Roman said with a weak smile.

Remy offered Roman a smirk. “I make no promises, babes. Your hubby here might be flattered that you’re asking after him.”

Roman’s cheeks flared red again. “Listen, it’s slightly embarrassing, all right? I just wanted someone who I knew wouldn’t judge.”

Remy shook his head as he walked in the room. “That’s not embarrassing, babes, but I’ll keep quiet, I suppose.”

“Thank you,” Roman said.

Damien led him down the halls back to his guest room. Roman thought he was starting to get a handle on where everything was, at least somewhat. Even if he didn’t know what half of the rooms were for, he could identify which hallway they were in and how deep inside the castle they were.

When they stopped outside Roman’s room, Roman was reluctant to face Damien to send him off. He took a shaky breath. He would be okay on his own, he knew that. And Damien would need his sleep as well. Especially if Roman would be dancing with him tomorrow morning, like he suspected his mother had planned. “Thank you, again,” Roman said. “I suppose it’s somewhat silly to freak out over my brother—”

“—Not silly at all,” Damien assured him. “You were worried about losing someone you love. That is always distressing, without fail. You have nothing to be ashamed of for this.”

Roman offered Damien a soft smile. “You’re too kind,” he said.

“On the contrary, my dear, I believe you are too lenient in your expectations,” Damien said.

“Well, considering my family, are you surprised?” Roman teased.

Damien shook his head with a sigh. “No, unfortunately, I’m not.” He leaned down slightly and kissed Roman’s forehead. “Rest well, Roman. You have a full day tomorrow, my dear.”

Roman dazedly watched Damien walk away, too stunned by the forehead kiss to do anything except stare after him for a good two minutes. By the time Roman came back to himself, Damien had rounded a corner and was out of sight. He blinked rapidly, turning to the door and walking into the guest room, closing the door with a shaky breath. What about that made him so breathless, he didn’t know. Was it just the fact that a cute boy was giving him attention? That was probably it. Not Damien himself, per se. Just his looks. That didn’t make the butterflies go away, but it did soothe his brain into switching topics, namely getting to sleep. As Roman got ready for bed, he contemplated how early tomorrow morning he’d be woken up, and how long he could go without encountering his mother. He knew it wouldn’t be that long, but, hey. A man could dream, right?

Tag List: @lunareclipse-13 @sanders-sides-crofters @blushy-gigglee-mess @wannacrymetoo​ @kaytikitty​ @magicalspacepanunicorn​ @bootsinthesun​ @pricklyfish777​ @flowersanddinosaurs @leiasolo77 @birdybabybird​ @enby-phoenix​ @luna–28 @justagaygoose @the-prince-and-the-emo @fandomsandanythingelse @randommuffinyt​ @snekky-boi @thesoftestlittlepuffballwegot @twilight-trix @abby5577​ @escalatingtoofast​ @friendlyfacestabbing @remus-is-stinky @foggybanditdreampeanut @ghostskull300 @sprinklestheditty @canvas-the-florist​ @askthesnake @samuel-the-gay @determination-saved​ @sparrowofsong​ @beyondthestacks​ @juicy-cashew​ @loganpatton @lilbeanblr @kittyboof8 @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch @sanders-trash-4ever @hamilspntrash @swords-and-kittens @phantomfander​ @narniasfinestavengingsociopath  @rjmeta​ @ambersky0319 @anni-cat-flower @idosanderssidespromptssometimes @nafsbluebery​ @redisawerewolf23​ @voidvirgil

[poorreputation]

Undertaker: The Last Ride

When I say I've been waiting years for this, I'm serious. Ever since Undertaker's loss at Wrestlemania 30, and shortly after that the news he would be on the Stone Cold Podcast, I've been eagerly anticipating seeing Mark Calaway speak as himself. Many fans have been hesitant to watch Calaway out of character, worried it would ruin the mystique of the Undertaker, but I've felt for years that the work put into these characters behind the scenes is just as fascinating as the fiction.

I watched episode one soon after it aired, and want to do a rewatch/reaction post before episode two drops tonight. Join me, if you wish.

If you've not seen the episode, a little content warning: there is blood, gore in a surgical setting (very, very graphic, but only there for a couple seconds at a time), needles, and implied injuries, including details of Mark's concussion at WM30.

CHAPTER 1: THE GREATEST FEAR

The series, all five episodes, takes place between 2017 and 2020. Chapter 1 covers Wrestlemania 33, and his match with Roman Reigns, which was intended to be his last.

This is the first time Mark Calaway's really opened up about his work, and himself in general. There's other instances of him being interviewed, even mixing fact and kayfabe, but never on a platform like this, certainly not with WWE.

Mark: You know they call me Santa Clause, now, right? Because I only come out once a year.

Jimmy Hart, being the sweetest: That's all you need to. You look great.

These backstage segments of Calaway with his coworkers are honestly some of the best parts of the episode. A transcript can only do so much justice.

Roman Reigns, upcoming opponent of the Undertaker, signs in at the lobby desk right next to Mark, being a smartass. Screw your camera guy, indeed.

Mark meditates on the struggles of working only once a year, and throughout the episode, chronicles the moments and injuries that make an already challenging schedule nearly impossible. Chasing the dragon that is the perfect match has lead him to a stalemate with himself and his character: if the Undertaker can go out in a match fitting of him at Wrestlemania, Mark Calaway will be happy.

Gah, baby 'Taker at his Survivor Series debut always gets me. No one could've called the run that boy was about to go on. I see other people call this portion of the episode the mythologizing of the character, building him up to be this big deal, and it's so funny to me because I wouldn't be watching if I didn't already think that of him. Like, y'all are just preaching to the choir, at this point. That, and so much that's been said here has been consistent with what Mark's peers have told about him in the past, it just feels like catching people up rather than building an image from scratch.

Say what you will about Vince McMahon (and there's a lot to be said), but there's something special about his comments on Mark Calaway. You rarely get to hear the guy talk candidly as it is, so when he does, you know it's important.

Calaway describing the weight, the prestige of Wrestlemania... and then the sneer he makes after that statement. I ain't a journalist, so I'll freely speculate: 'Mania's for the best of the best, and he just doesn't see himself as deserving to be there, not right now, at least.

Other wrestlers, from Orton to Edge to Batista, talk about what an honor, and mark of trust, it is to work with Undertaker, period. To work with him at Wrestlemania? You've arrived. The implication of what this would, or should, have meant for Roman is clear. It's a wonder if this image that his coworkers built up of him affected Mark's own expectations of himself. I mean, it's more or less spelled out in the episode, and it is the pro wrestling way to go out on your back, losing to someone who can use the rub, but, just throwing it out there, 'Taker had more pressure on him than most. That legacy, 'Mania, and the worry of managing to physically move during a match? It's overwhelming.

For those confused about why working once or twice a year would be so much more difficult than working hundreds of shows in that same time span, Steve Austin sums it up best: the road keeps you calloused and bruised. Ring rust from inactivity, due to being away or rehabbing an injury, gets you both mentally and physically. Knowing Mark's doing this process every year in his 50′s is insane.

During this, Steve plainly states that to go through that, and the many surgeries as Michelle McCool, Mark's wife, mentioned, it makes him a tough son of a bitch. It's an interesting note, considering we start this episode with Mark referring to that toughness as a thing of the past. His perception of himself, and what his peers see, is another fascinating aspect of the documentary.

Calaway talks about how nerve-racking the final workout before 'Mania is. The worry you'll hurt something while trying to train. Later, when other wrestlers talk about how calm, cool and collected 'Taker always seems... it's like they've built him up to be superhuman; Invulnerable to the same things and fears that plague all athletes. They talk about the physical decline, of course, that’s inevitable. But the mental side of things is where the biggest differences are.

Hoo boy, WrestleMania 30, the cause of my first major bout with depression. After that match between Undertaker and Brock Lesnar, not only was I crying and distressed, but there was then the news of Mark Calaway's hospitalization that was the numbing cherry on top. I remember registering how much more important the man's health was, but it was like I couldn't get any more upset. 

After that, I'd read up on so many rumors, that the only new bit of information here in the documentary is about when Mark's being rushed to the ER; how Vince infamously left the arena before 'Mania was over just to make sure Mark was okay, and, in new info, Brock was in the car with him. I cannot stress enough how humanizing that is to hear, especially considering how closely guarded Brock is about his persona, and how the man and the character are often so blended together. Time heals all wounds, but I really appreciated hearing that.

So, the injury for the uninformed: during the match with Brock, 'Taker got concussed. No one knows when it happened, much less Mark, who can't remember anything from after 3:30 PM that afternoon. To say I, and many others, were convinced this was it, he'd retire, would be an understatement. Many people felt he should retire, I did too, at one point. But, I could also tell Calaway wouldn't want to leave on such a note, because frankly, the match sucked. That's what happens when one person gets knocked the fuck out, and the other guy's gotta improvise. The fact 'Taker's going on muscle memory while he's out is nothing short of a miracle.

With WM30 in the books, 'Taker was at a low point, his confidence shot and a lot riding on his match with Bray Wyatt at WrestleMania 31 (or Play Button, if you prefer). Bray himself recalling how nervous he was, but how chill Undertaker appeared, in comparison.

Triple H's pep talk with 'Taker backstage is another gem, and I just love their friendship. I love the raw vulnerability this series is providing, both when it comes to 'Taker, and everyone else around him. I hope it's a constant through the rest of the docuseries.

WM31 was an ego boost, and leads into the superior Brock-Undertaker program in 2015. It's not highlighted as much, but it's fire, and I think allowed Calaway to redeem himself a bit, in his eyes. Not too much, since he didn't retire, but it made fans really start to come back 'round.

Now, I liked WM32 because I got to see it in person, and it was the first time I'd ever seen Undertaker live, so I'm a biased bitch. Anyone signing up to work Hell in a Cell is a ballsy move, and considering how old both 'Taker and Shane McMahon were going into that is no small feat. I liked it, it was a spectacle, and I was sports entertained. There is the implication, between showing clips of WM32 and 'Taker's appearance at the 2017 Royal Rumble, that Calaway wasn't satisfied with how the former turned out. It becomes fully fleshed out he's talking about entering the RR, and feeling intense regret, but that he was also disappointed with the former. Again, if he were happy with it, he'd have retired, but that's again the difference between what the fans see and what the wrestler sees. I, and I imagine roughly 100,000 others, had the time of our lives; Mark Calaway was, and still is, chasing perfection.

With RR 2017, Mark freely admits that he had no business being there. It sounds truly like his thought process in the moment, and not just the regret of how WM33 went down, and that the build for that match began when he and Roman went toe-to-toe at the Rumble.

Back to WM33 weekend. 'Taker's finished up the final workout, and is talking about his place on the upcoming card:

Mark: Regardless of my injuries, regardless of my age, regardless of everything that has happened, if I'm on the card, there's some young guy that's making a lot of the shows through the year, you know, that may not be on that card. So, it's my duty to make sure that it's worth putting me on the card. No one would probably say it to my face if I stunk it up, (but) I would know, and that's one of my biggest fears, and um, is becoming a parody of myself.

This is someone who's also been reading the rumor mill, the comments, general fan reaction. It's neat he's so receptive to fan interaction, and makes me wonder if he's actually been doing this for years, but it's also sad to watch him only see the negative sides. The Undertaker, as a character, wouldn't have worked for so long without innovation, so being open-minded is important. And, I'm all for Mark Calaway doing what he wants with his life, but, for him, will anything, any match, ever be good enough?

It's the night of the Hall of Fame 2017 and we see Mark and Michelle backstage greeting people. We get a shot of Mark saying hi to the likes of the late Bruno Sammartino, inductees Sean Waltman and Kurt Angle, and I just love how dolled up Michelle looks, whereas Mark's just in jeans, a dress shirt and a cap. I love their dynamic, so so much. Also, Mark and Kurt's friendship, that's adorable. One of the good things to happen when I found out about kayfabe was thinking how these characters who normally hate each other on screen, were really besties backstage. It's a thought that still tickles me to this day, and watching that in the episode on several occasions is a joy to behold.

Kurt's talking about 'Taker's role as locker room leader, and Mark mentions how it wasn't ever something he actively pursued, it just happened. Being locker room leader just seems to be yet another thing added to the legend of the Undertaker. Makes a bit more sense why Mark's peers put him on a pedestal.

Wrestlers are talking about how, very early on, Undertaker set the benchmark, the gold standard, of work every night. John Bradshaw Layfield goes on to say, "(Mark) was the yardstick. And if you did well, then pretty much you were in, if not, then you were out, because you knew if you didn't do well, it wasn't the Undertaker's fault." That explains why it hurts so much for 'Taker to not be at his best. I mean, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out, but it's fascinating to see all of these elements come together. It's also interesting to hear JBL build up 'Taker as the greatest of all time, and then plainly say he's never seen Mark in worse shape than he was heading into WM33.

On a lighter note, it's real funny to hear Mark and Roman talk about the latter's new twins (from 2017) considering he's got another set of twins on the way, now. Just in general, Roman going on about how much he loves talking to Mark about work, but mostly family and to hear the stories Mark's got to tell, you can see how much this match means to him. The prestige of working with 'Taker at any point, let alone 'Mania, he knows this is the highlight of his career. I can't help but respect Roman for that, and couldn't help but feel that way going into WM33. It's a stark difference from how I felt about Brock post-WM30, and I honestly thought I was prepared to watch Undertaker take his rumored loss at this show.

It's the night before 'Mania, and they're doing entrance rehearsals. The stage setup for this show was so cool, guys, it took inspiration from the theme parks that are littered throughout Orlando, and was a beauty to see live, especially when it got dark. And 'Taker's entrance, even in practice, is a spectacle.

Cuts to the day of WrestleMania 33. General nerves are felt, and the start of a very long day begins.

Mark: People say, "All you gotta do is go out there and chokeslam somebody, make your entrance, and everybody's gonna be happy." No. I'm not gonna be happy. Like when I say, and this isn't stupid man pride, or cliche stuff. I'm either gonna go out in a match that's befitting the Undertaker at WrestleMania, or I'm going out on my shield, one way or another.

And there we have it, the subject of this docuseries.

Roman talking about the weight of potentially being the last person to work with the Undertaker, it just makes you feel bad for him things didn't work out quite the way they planned. But, it's as JBL summed up before, no matter the outcome or if it's really 'Taker's last match, this is the biggest night of Roman Reigns' career. I know episode 2 will focus on the aftermath of WM33, and Mark's reaction, and what gets him to come back to wrestling, but I hope they get Roman's take as well. Is he as disappointed as 'Taker? Does he blame himself? Or, did he actually like what they did, flaws and all?

Content warning: they show the botched top rope dive from WM25, the one where 'Taker goes head-first into the mat. It's during the segment where Mark explains how he comes from the era of 'if you can move, you can make it to the ring'. He's okay, and we know he's okay, but it doesn't make it hurt any less to watch. They also mention the time he was severely sick and still worked a match with Big Show, and how he caught on fire in 2010 on the way to the Elimination Chamber match. Like, they actually show him engulfed in flames, then narrate how he went on to work the match. I love you, Undertaker, but JFC.

And now we're at the medical portion of the episode. Warning for needles.

Actual showtime for the match, and even now, 'Taker's entrance gives me chills. That feeling of happiness is indescribable, and is that precious something that never fails to make me smile.

So, everything else in the match is framed as great, brutal, well-done, and then that damn botched tombstone reversal comes up, and it's honestly the hardest thing to watch in the entire episode. I swear, it's the only bad thing in my eyes, and seems to be enough to make 'Taker dissatisfied. Again, I'm biased, with others saying his whole mood was off during the match, and that affected the overall performance, so what do I know? But, I will say this, ending 'Mania on such a grim note will always be a strange choice to me. I get it, if not the main event, where else would you put the Undertaker’s retirement match? Still, it completely changed my perception of the whole night, from riding high to finding myself depressed, once again. And maybe that’s exactly what all those wrestlers, namely Vince McMahon, were talking about. Instead of this being Shawn Michaels going out on a high note, it’s far more dour.

Mark: We'll see what tomorrow brings. 

And with that look, and the fact he's had a match as recently as March/April of this year, he won't be gone for long.

Preview for the next episode contains intense surgical imagery. Just a heads up.

Post-episode thoughts:

I learned very little new information, but that's not the the hook of this series for me. Undertaker's the first character I ever truly loved, long before the likes of Supernatural came into my life. An interesting dynamic is potentially seeing both the Undertaker retire, and Supernatural come to a close, in the same year. I don't find myself mourning either, because I've already been through that. Now, I just want to indulge in behind-the-scenes tales, and watch two of the most influential stories in my life come to a close.

I greatly look forward to Chapter 2 of The Last Ride, and the rest of the episodes to come.

[ilovemygaydad]

A Wrinkle in Time AU

yes, i made a new au. yes, i’m planning to write this as a full au. sue me. i jump from thing to think like a squirrel, okay.

for now, it’s just a list of the characters and their traits (except the twins because they’re a super minor role, and i can’t bring myself to write it rn okay)

pairings: logicality, eventual prinxiety, platonic remileceit, familial LAMT

warnings: swearing, sympathetic deceit (as mx which), anger issues, lashing out, transphobia, queerphobia, homophobia, patton is called a whore one time, trans!male pregnancy, transitioning mentions, deadnaming, misgendering internalized aphobia, crying is mentioned, people are just mean as hell, mild sexism, mentioned abuse, broken families, rumors, mentions of cheating/running away with a woman (as a rumor), mentions of forcing sexuality onto others (as a rumor), mentions of disappearing, mentions of non-malicious lies, selective mutism, self hatred, internalized homophobia, and definitely more that will be added as the story progresses

summary: thirteen year old virgil murry is your typical delinquent, but throw in a dash of having two dads, one of whom is missing, a brainiac little brother who everyone thinks is an idiot, and only two normal family members. it’s a shock, really, that virgil acts the way he does, but it’s even more of a shock when three celestial beings come to take him on a journey to save his father with the help of thomas, the weird little brother, and roman o’keefe, the poster child for stable popular kid.

some random important information about this au:

it mixes up things from the book and the 2018 movie because i said so

exists in a time outside of our timeline (think ‘50s/’60s mixed with present day)

virgil, thomas, the mxs, patton, and (sort of) logan’s appearances all stem a lot from the 2018 movie’s definition of their characters with some other facts thrown in, so you can look those up to get a somewhat decent idea of what they look like

the warnings may seem like a lot, but a lot of them are just brief mentions that are repeatedly scattered throughout the story on occasion

a place for the au to go when i actually write it

everything is under the cut because this is about to get SPICY (aka really fucking long)

Virgil Murry (13 going on 14):

appearance

dark, coiled hair like his dad’s

kept short on the sides and longer on top

the longer bits are unruly and usually flop into his face and eyes

brown eyes that glitter gold and green in the right lighting

they don’t glitter often (or at all, really)

braces with purple rubber bands

a little shorter than he should be for his age

pretty normal physique--if a little bit thin

personality

very worried about his family (and eventually roman, too) all of the god damn time

hot-headed and rash with his words

the most stubborn person ever

tends to be aggressive when he’s upset/worried

easily swaps between emotions (much to his and everyone else’s chagrin, it seems)

uses anger to protect himself from being hurt/his anxiety

defensive of his brother and dad

wardrobe

his jeans are always ripped

round, vintage-style glasses (look up 50s glasses frames and you’ll get it)

he’s ended up with his sneakers being composed of more patches than the original fabric 

his hoodie is equally as worn, and he’s barely allowed to wear it to school anymore because the teachers think it’s “un[professional/becoming/sightly]”

other info

hates his appearance and personality

very smart, but his tendency to use shortcuts in school upset his teachers and lead to bad grades

good at math but not creative stuff

accepts his dads but hates his own sexuality

really misses his father

-

Roman O’Keefe (14)

appearance

pale as hell with tons of freckles

flaming red hair

super tall and thin

baby blue eyes that are super pale and pretty

very conventionally attractive

personality

very friendly

becomes protective and caring immediately

good at conversations and diplomacy

perceptive

good with words

can be kind of awkward/overbearing at times

wardrobe

clean jeans and his school varsity jacket are his go-to outfit

nice basketball shoes

his clothes are always very clean and neat

he takes his clothes very seriously--doesn’t like messing them up

other info

third oldest of his many siblings

weird family life

really smart

skipped two grades

good at the creative stuff

very gay (unfortunately)

kinda maybe has always had a crush on virgil

never believed the rumors about the murry family

-

Thomas Murry (6)

appearance

dark brown eyes and hair

a bit short and small for his age

idk what you want me to say he’s a little boy 

personality

doesn’t speak much when he’s outside of the house

difficult for everyone else to understand

his speech is highly elevated, but he doesn’t elaborate when he’s being confusing most of the time

sometimes arrogant and rude when people are stupid/unkind

wardrobe

an odd mixture of professional and casual clothing

often wears nerdy t-shirts and jeans with a blazer or slacks and a button up with a hoodie

always wears the same type of shoes (red tennis shoes with a yellow star)

other info

was adopted just before father disappeared

feels most connected with his dad and virgil

despite his high intelligence and love for learning, he didn’t start learning to read until he was actually in school because the other kids already disliked him enough as is

he tries not to go ahead in his studies for the same reason

easily frustrated by not knowing things

everyone in town thinks he’s dumb because of his not speaking much thing

ridiculously perceptive--possibly too much so

protective of virgil despite being a kid

-

Mx. Whatsit (Remy; age: old)

appearance

youthful

long hair of all sorts of colors

usually pulled into messy braids or elaborate updos

pale skin that shimmers rainbow colors in direct sunlight

unknown eye color

sharp features (almost inhuman looking)

personality

sassy and blunt

doesn’t completely get social conventions and the idea of being subtle

highly protective of thomas

kind of a bitch sometimes ngl

wardrobe

never without a leather jacket and his aviator sunglasses

everything else is literally random

usually it’s flowy dresses made out of scarves/bedsheets/fabric scraps of all shapes and colors, but sometimes he wears colorful pants and blouse-like shirts

think big top tent meets aerial silks and that’s his aesthetic

other info

uses he/him pronouns

youngest of the mxs

apprehensive of virgil at first (like a lot)

best vocalizer and materializer of the mxs

often messes things up, but he always works to fix what happens

-

Mx. Who (Emile; age: even fuckin older)

appearance

youthful, but a bit older than whatsit

pink hair that’s always pulled into some manner of curly updo

bright blue eyes

brown skin with deep brown freckles

a lot more round features and chubbiness than the other mxs

looks just the tiniest bit off of what a human should look like, but otherwise they pass fine

personality

only (or mostly) speaks in quotes, which makes them difficult to understand at times

very kind, gentle, and loving

enjoys being with the kids

doesn’t speak nearly as much as whatsit

wardrobe

purple crystal glasses with lavender lenses that are hooked to a chain around their neck

lots of very eccentric, patchwork-quilt-lookin clothing

despises shoes with a burning passion

likes wearing different colored ties on their wrists and ankles

other info

easily tired out by speaking freestyle (without quotes) and in full materialization for long periods of time

any pronouns

loves cartoons and visual medias of earth

age-wise in the middle of the mxs

--

Mx. Which (Deceit; age: too old)

appearance

dark brown skin with shimmering patches of scales scattered around his skin

the largest patch of scales covers the left side of his face

right eye is brown and left is yellow

the most inhuman looking of the mxs

tall compared to the other mxs

personality

speaks mostly in lies (aka pretty much all the time)

difficult to understand most of the time

very proper sounding

vague and cryptic

wardrobe

always wearing some sort of hat

looks like a yellow flower most of the time because of his penchant for yellow

otherwise he’s wearing a lot of black

likes wearing formal clothing and bedazzled dresses (very avant garde)

other info

he/they pronouns

oldest of the mxs

very bad at vocalizing and materializing (aka they get tired so fast)

very wise

literally just a cryptid tbh

sounds snakey a lot of the time

-

Patton Murry (Dad)

appearance

very, very pretty

extremely elegant features with long lashes and full lips

similar hair to virgil’s but neater

big, brown eyes

warm, dark skin

kind of short

a bit stocky

personality

manages to hide his upset feelings unless something is really bugging him (it’s usually about his husband, then)

incredibly kind

not extremely social due to the down’s actions towards him

loves his kids and husband so much

represses his bad emotions

hopeful (especially about logan coming back home)

wardrobe

wire-framed glasses

steel-toed boots or old sneakers

everything in his wardrobe basically falls in two categories:

nice clothes for going nice places (like dinner)

lab clothes

lab clothes make up the majority by a long shot and include

nerdy t-shirts

old cardigans

jeans

pajamas (bad etiquette, but highly convenient)

other info

(fully/mostly) transitioned (depending on how you look at it--he’d been pretty masc presenting for a while, but he got top surgery) pretty soon after virgil was born and decided he didn’t want to do that again so the other kids are adopted

often mistreated and misgendered by the townspeople

extremely smart, but people write him off as “dumb” (or a whore) because of his birth gender

loves being a doctor because people (sometimes) won’t refer to him as “mrs”

insists that logan will come home very soon (like he’s been saying for four years)

-

Logan Murry (Father)

appearance

neglected, long brown hair

usually clean shaven (if he remembers)

blue eyes with green and gold flecks

so many freckles

tall and thin with sharp features

looks like a huge nerd

personality

very respectable and serious

overworks himself to keep his family safe and happy

a bit of a hot head and scary when angry (either he’s calm and cold or he’s gonna kick your ass to the next century)

super passionate about physics and the universe

seems cold sometimes but loves his family intensely

secretly a huge softie

wardrobe

doesn’t understand that there are clothes other than lab gear

practical shoes only

likes ties but doesn’t wear them because lab safety is key

only gets new clothes when patton forces him to

very thick glasses

other info

(a lot of this is both him and patton. idk how it got so long, but please just understand that i can’t stop myself from making logan the most badass character okay i just love him)

very coldly defensive of his husband

has punched queerphobes on more than one occasion

gets really angry when their mail deadnames patton or refers to him as anything other than “dr patton sanders”

he once literally marched into a company and screamed at the highest ranking official that his husband is to be referred to as “dr patton sanders” as it is his proper name and title, so why the hell does this letter say “dr logan sanders and mrs [deadname] sanders” on it?

never compares his and pat’s intelligence because they’re both equally smart and knowledgable in different areas, even if patton has fewer doctorates 

he might even argue that patton is smarter because he’s dedicated so much time to his fields of study exclusively, not to mention his emotional intelligence

very supportive of patton no matter what (do you sense a theme here)

was very glad that patton decided that they would adopt their younger kids because logan hated every second of the pregnancy from trying for a baby to birth

he loves virgil so damn much regardless of the emotional turmoil because the kid was such a good reward

came out as sex-repulsed asexual about three months after patton announced that he was pregnant, and patton was pissed that he hadn’t spoken up sooner so they could have tried something different to make logan more comfortable

he’ll never admit it, but hearing the kind, caring words come out of patton’s mouth made logan cry for hours because how the fuck did he find such an incredible, loving husband

disappeared four years ago and no one has heard from him since

it’s rumored that he ran away with another woman (as if there was a woman in his life to begin with)

stories also sometimes include that patton tricked him into being gay (even though he’s a “woman,” right??? people are fucking stupid), and logan ran away from that lifestyle finally

but why would dr. murry just up and leave when he had such a good family and important research to finish? things aren’t adding up, and there’s only one way to figure out what’s going on:

figure out what the actual hell thomas and the mxs are talking about

a place for the au to go when i actually write it

[littleoddwriter]

Touch | Roman Sionis x TransMale!Reader

"hewwo can i request Roman with a ftm reader who is really affectionate physically , roman has to act like he doesn't care about it around other people but he secretly loves it and enjoys it when they are alone and specially in the bedroom" - anon A/N: I really hope this is to your liking ‘cause it ended up really fluffy and stuff, idk, I got lost in this.

summary; You’re a very physically affctionate person, which Roman needed some getting used to first. Yet, he loves your little touches. He also loves touching you.

notes; TRANSMale!Reader, who is post-Top Surgery; slight mention of Gender Dysphoria; Roman’s usual pet names for Reader in my fics (so slight Daddy Kink, but no actual mention of that particular word); Touching; Loving Touches; Lying in bed after sex; Scars/Top Surgery Scars; Fluff.

You have always been a physically affectionate person and some people loved it, some people tolerated it, and some people hated it. Though, of course, you tried to leave those alone that hated it; but when they were your boyfriend, best friend or someone as similarly close to you, it just wasn't easy for you to keep your hands to yourself. You liked to squeeze someone's arm, rub your hand over their arms or thighs, poke them, hug them and just keep close to them. It was how you showed affection best and it made you feel calm, good.

Roman didn't like to be touched, especially not in public, nor did he like it when he was touched unprompted. He needed to initiate the touch or else he would break the fingers of whoever dared to lay their hand upon him. Zsasz, thus far, has been the only person, who was allowed to touch him on his own accord. With you, one more person was added to those who were granted the privilege of touching him like that. Although he had to reprimand you several times in the beginning, as you went a little overboard with it in public sometimes. As time went by, he got used to your touches. He even started missing them, when they weren't there, when you were in public and he could see you physically restraining yourself not to lay a hand on him. In all honesty, he enjoyed it when your hands were on him, gently rubbing, squeezing or even just laying there, unmoving. It was always such a soft, gentle pressure and warmth that made him feel content. Naturally, he couldn't show that in front of other people, so when you ended up having a hand on his thigh or arm in public settings, he acted like he didn't even notice it. He acted as if his heart didn't skip a beat and as if there wasn't a pleasant - yet, to him, still unfamiliar - heat unfurling in his stomach. He acted as if that simple touch didn't send electricity through his body, starting from the spot your hand laid on. When you were in the privacy of his loft, he would let himself enjoy your touches openly, reciprocating them even. One thing he especially loved, which was something so special with you only, was the set of long, twin scars under your pectorals. The scars that have mostly faded by now due to constant attention and treatment for them. They were also covered in a light dusting of chest hair, that he loved to run his hands through. Yet, he was the most fascinated by those twin scars, running his fingers over them, following the thickened scar tissue from one side to the other. To him, it couldn't be more beautiful. To him, it couldn't make you more perfect. His parents had always preached how important it was to have his outer appearance to be absolutely flawless because apparently that was the thing they needed to be concerned about the most. They pushed this ideal onto him and put him in a box he was still trying to get out of sometimes. So, seeing your scars was somewhat comforting to him. Just like with Zsasz, your scars had a purpose, a story; and they were magnificent to him. Just like in this moment, after you have had sex and taken a shower together afterwards, because God forbid, if Roman Sionis stayed sweaty and filthy from sex in bed any longer than was necessary. He was lying on his stomach, one arm propped up, so he could hold his head up with his hand. The other hand was busy stroking over your scars, as you lied on your back. Your head was tilted so you could look at him, a fond smile on your lips. One of your hands was at the back of his neck, gently rubbing circles in it. He smiled softly, feeling content. He could stay like this forever. "You really like them, huh?" You asked after a while, chuckling softly. He hummed, "I do. They are beautiful, my little prince." You averted your eyes, a bashful look and smile on your face. "Really? I often look at them and wish they weren't there at all, y'know? Anyone who sees them knows..." "Hush, that's not true. They aren't as prominent anymore as you think. Not only that, but it's also not anyone's fucking business. Then you have scars there. Now, what? Does it make you less of a man? No, it doesn't." "It doesn't," you whispered in time with him. Running his hand through your chest hair, gently, lovingly, he shifted to lean into you, so your faces were barely an inch apart anymore. "What other people might think or say about you doesn't matter. I know, I know, it's not like you can just turn that part of your brain off. I get it. You know I do. But you know I'm right. You know they don't fucking matter. They are fake fucking fucks." You both grinned at that, it was one of your favourite things of him to say. You sighed then, "I know, Roman. Thank you. I never really expected, well, any of this, to be honest." "What exactly?" He asked, genuinely curious about what you meant. You bit your lip, averting your eyes once more. "Just... having found someone who likes me for who I am. Having them reassure me and shut down my negative thoughts. Having them stand up for me when someone upsets me. Being able to sit here with them, in a quiet, honest and beautiful moment. To name a few things." By the end you looked at him again, though it took you some effort, due to your anxiety running wild with what you've just said. "Aw, baby, I'm actually fucking glad I can be all that for you. I've never been interested in relationships or other people for that matter. Sure, a quick fuck here and there is always nice and especially easy to get, but I despised everything deeper. For a long time, I felt incapable of it. Yet, here we fucking are, having a sentimental moment. Almost fucking unbelievable." He smirked, pinching your nipple teasingly when he was finished. Out of reflex you slapped his hand away from your nipple and chuckled. You quickly sobered up, though. "I mean it, Roman. When I say that I love you. I don't think I've ever felt this strongly for anyone else," you said sternly, intertwining your fingers with his on top of your chest. "I know, baby." He couldn't make himself say it. It always got stuck in his throat. No thanks to his parents, of course. You smiled at him, gently, and so full of love for him. He could practically see it in your eyes, just as it was written all over your face. Roman lifted your intertwined hands up and to his lips, pressing a sweet kiss on your knuckles. With a sigh, he closed his eyes. "You know I feel the same, right?" He asked reluctantly, quietly. "I do. And like I've said before; you don't have to say it back. Your actions speak far louder than words ever could." Grinning, he leaned in to close the little distance that has kept your lips from touching thus far, and pressed a kiss to your lips, which you reciprocated enthusiastically. Perhaps for the first time in his life, Roman felt completely content and at peace.  

[optimistic-violinist]

2. Band Names and Personality Differences

A/N: Hello everyone and welcome back to the CALM Band!AU. So this is the second story chronologically! The first one can be found here, one shot can be found here, and the fic that started it all here! Thanks so much for reading and for your kind comments! As always, enjoy!

Word count: ~2500

Warnings: none

Also I can't get Keep Readings to work so I'm very sorry for the long post!

Logan double checked the address on his phone and glanced back at the building. Yes, this was the place. It had taken about two weeks for them to find a time where their schedules aligned and Patton had invited them over for a song writing session at his place. It was a nice apartment building, close to downtown, but not over the top.

Shrugging, Logan entered the building. He had sent Patton a text and a moment later, was buzzed in, where he then proceeded to the fifth floor.

“Hey Logan!” Patton called from the kitchen. “Come in and make yourself comfortable, I’m just finishing up.”

“Thank you.” The music producer hung his coat up and slipped off his shoes before fully entering the apartment.

It was lovely, homey place. The front hallway led to a spacious living room decked out in blue and white with huge windows overlooking the city. A keyboard, guitar, bass, mic, and music stand were set up against the wall facing the couch and coffee table. To his right was the kitchen, separated from the living room by a bar counter. Patton was just pulling a sheet of cookies out of the oven.

“I didn’t know everyone’s favorite, so I made a couple different types.”

“That’s very kind of you Patton. You didn’t have to go to all that trouble.”

Patton just shrugged, a pleased, if somewhat shy smile on his face. “I like baking, so it was no problem.”

Logan sat on the couch, perched on the edge of it, trying to look comfortable, but absolutely failing at it. He was looking around, just kind of taking it all in, when the doorbell buzzed.

“Hello? Patton-cake, are you home?”

“Oh!” Patton quickly ran over to the PA. “My neighbor,” he quickly explained. “Hi Mrs. Foster.”

“Hi dear! Could you help me with my groceries? I think we can get them all in one load if you helped.”

“For sure! I’ll be right down.” He turned to Logan. “I’m sorry, but she just had hip surgery recently, and, anyways, this’ll be really quick! I’ll be right back.”

He was out the door before Logan could reply. Alright then. The music producer looked around and stood to go inspect the instruments.

The guitar was baby blue and obviously well loved. Logan had done some research on his fellow compatriots and knew that Patton had been playing ever since he was a kid. The bass looked newer as did the keyboard. There was a box of sheet music tucked underneath. A quick rifle through revealed loose sheet music of random pop songs, and beginner’s Disney, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Star Wars books. Patton seemed to dabble in piano at least.

Glancing at the door to make sure Patton hadn’t returned, he got up and pressed the power button and pressed a couple keys. Hm. Not a bad keyboard.

Logan shifted to be more directly in front of the keyboard and played a chord. His hands shifted and he began to improvise- he’d had a tune stuck in his head earlier and built off of that.

Logan loved piano. It had been his first instrument and he had never given it up, even when he got into electronic music and DJing. He loved that too, but he loved how logical and expressive the piano could be.

Hand over hand, he finished with a scale that ran the length of the keyboard and was left echoing, a pleasant resolution to the melody. He nodded in satisfaction and turned around only to nearly stumble back.

“Well don’t stop there,” Virgil said.

The other three were all sitting on the couch, Patton on the edge of his seat, Roman looking attentive, and Virgil actually looking at ease for once, guitar case leaning against the couch. Logan could feel a hot flush creeping up his cheeks.

“Logan that was so good!” Patton squeed.

“I say, you’ve been holding out on us! That was amazing!”

“Yes, well,” Logan cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses. “Ah, thank you, I suppose.”

“How long have you been playing?” Patton asked.

“Well, my whole life practically.”

“What song was that?” Roman asked as Patton got up to grab a cookie (or two) and a notebook.

“Oh, it, uh, doesn’t have a name. It was inspired by Rewrite the Stars, but I just kind of… made it up as I went.”

“We’re using it!” Roman yelled, jumping up. “That’s the melody of our first song and Logan’s going to play the piano for it.”

“Only if he wants to,” Virgil cut in. Logan made grateful eye contact, but now he was thinking.

“I suppose it makes sense. If we are trying to keep our identities a secret, then no one would suspect me of being the keyboard artist. Or of Patton being the bassist for that matter.”

“Being the basis of what?” Patton joked, settling down on the floor near Virgil. “Anyhoo, I’ve got my notebook and I’ve been working on some lyrics and I think they’d go really well with your melody, Logan.”

Virgil leaned over and pulled his electric guitar out of its case along with a mini amp and played an experimental riff. “Logan, you want to play that again?”

Logan nodded and played the same experimental starting cord, followed by another, before starting into the melody.

“Starting off alone, can make the road seem pretty long,

“Going, going, going, and before too long, you’re gone.”

Roman scooted over to join Patton on the floor, reading over his shoulder. Virgil joined in, rounding out the sound with some supportive chords.

“Thinking no one understands. No one can relate.

“You hope you don’t lose yourself, caught in a stalemate.”

“Calm down,” Patton sang. “You’re doing just fine. You’ve got others by your side!”

“Calm down,” Roman echoed. “It’ll be alright. Just keep on going, that’s how you’ll find the light!”

“When troubles come and things all change,” they sang together. “Calm down. You’re gonna be, you’re gonna be, gonna be alright.”

Logan took off, running through scales and complicated melodies, backing off to allow Virgil to knock out some impressive rifts.

“That’s all I’ve got so far,” Patton admitted.

“I love it,” Roman announced as the others trailed off and nodded supportively. Roman pulled out his phone and opened a note. “I came up with some lyrics myself. Could we somehow put them together?”

“We can always try!” Patton announced.

Two hours later, personality differences had become clear and, while they had their first song nearly done, and the lyrics for another one started, Patton called for an enforced cookie break, putting himself between Logan and Roman, who were trying not to fume, and Virgil sat on the bar counter, looking annoyed, trying hard to not quit then and there.

“I’m just saying-“

“Logan, shush. It’s cookie time.”

“I just don’t understand-“

“Roman. Eat your cookie.”

“Yes, Dad.” Roman muttered and munched on his cookie. Virgil snorted.

“These are really good Patton.”

“I’m glad you like them! And there’s plenty more, so help yourselves. Just don’t get a stomach ache!”

He really is like a dad, Virgil thought, swiping two more cookies. “Y’know,” he mused. “We still need a band name.”

“I’ve been thinking about that!” Roman cried. “What do you guys think of Dreamers Come True?”

Virgil gave a hmm of disapproval that accompanied Logan’s confused look.

“I don’t think so,” the producer said. “We need something more straight forward. Perhaps… Variety? Or Farrago?”

“Boring!” Roman moaned.

“Come on now Logan, we aren’t opera singers,” Patton joked.

Logan stared at him confusedly. “You realize ‘farrago’ is not Italian in origin. It does stem from Latin though, so I could see how you-“

“It’s a joke Pocket Protector.”

Patton seemed to sense things were heating up again. “Calm down guys.” Virgil spoke over them, before they could start arguing again.

“Maybe that should be our name,” he smirked. “Calm Down. We’ve said it enough today. And it is in one of our songs.”

Surprisingly, the others actually considered it.

“We should also probably have codenames,” Logan mused. “Calm is a four letter word and there are four of us. It would not be hard to make it an acronym.”

Patton immediately jumped in. “You could be Logic! ‘Cuz it kind of goes along with your DJ name and it starts with L and you’re the smart one in the group!” The others looked like they wanted to protest that last statement, then thought about it and realized he was right.

“And Roman, you could be Creativity since this was your idea in the first place! And your lyrics are really good.”

“I will admit, it has a nice ring to it,” Roman mused. “What about you two?”

Virgil raised his hand. “Just call me Anxiety. It’s how I feel 90% of the time anyway.”

Virgil caught Patton looking like he wanted to say something, but stopped. Instead he said, “So that leaves me with M.”

“Mom! You made us cookies.”

“No,” Logan said, shaking his head, Patton looking grateful. “Remember, people will be calling us these names.”

“What about… Morality?” Patton suggested. “I know it’s kinda weird, but-”

“I like it. It suits you somehow,” Roman said.

“You are the common sense in this group after all,” Virgil agreed.  Again the others looked like they would protest, then realized there was no use. “So is this, like, official?”

“CALM it is!” Roman declared. The others nodded.

“Sweet. I’ve got to get going, but thanks again Patton. This was… fun, I guess.”

The others bid their farewells as Virgil left and the others left soon after as well. Roman’s head was buzzing as he- or, well, his driver- drove away, and he pulled up a drawing app on his phone. After all, they would need a logo and as Creativity, he figured he could get a head start.

Taglist: @celestial-firestorm @oddball-wqri @fioxypurr @kaytikitty @purplesoul-at-hogwarts @stop-it-anxiety ((I added you cuz you said you like to be tagged in things ok byeeee))

[cobythinks]

Worry and Hate

Beautifully Broken AU Part Ten

So remember last time I posted when I apologized it took so long? 

I’m sorry this one took so long. Lol, I’m basically the worst and I’m sorry about that, haha. Here’s this part anyway! The other parts are on the MASTERLIST you can find at that link and also on my blog!

Once again, I am not a doctor and all I know about this stuff is from research online! So!!! Please correct me if I get something wrong so I can fix it! Thank!

Warnings: injury, not taking care of oneself, blaming oneself, being lectured by a parent, wheelchair, Roman Is Sad, implied racism (very vague and barely mentioned), nightmare, PTSD, self-deprecation, feeling like a failure, food mentions.

Most will be below the cut with the taglist, let me know if you want to be tagged!!

“You should have told us it was hurting,” Amber said, pacing back and forth in the living room. Roman sighed, staring up at the ceiling. “We just talked about how important your knee is, you shouldn’t have even tried to walk home yesterday what were you thinking? And you lied to us? Roman, do you know how lucky we are that it was only overexertion? What if something had really gone wrong, you could have needed surgery again.”

“Amber,” Hazel spoke up softly. Amber stopped pacing and looked over at them. Roman kept staring steadfastly at the ceiling, not wanting to see her disappointment.

“I’m just worried.” Amber sighed, collapsing into a chair. “I don’t want you to get hurt, Roman.”

“I’m sorry,” Roman mumbled.

“It’s alright.” Hazel sighed. “Dr. Connor just wants you to take it easy and stay off the leg for a few days.” Roman made a face and pulled a couch pillow over his head. “Roman.”

“I hate the wheelchair,” Roman said, voice muffled. “I can’t even use it by myself because of my arm, what am I supposed to do?”

“Your teachers said they’d help you catch up,” Amber said gently. “You can binge-watch Disney movies or something.” Roman didn’t answer, just mashed the pillow harder against his face. Hazel sighed and pulled the pillow away from him, eyebrows raised. She opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted when the doorbell rang. Amber stood up.

“We didn’t order the pizza yet, right?” She asked as she walked over. Hazel shook her head, putting the pillow under Roman’s head. Roman sighed and stared at the ceiling. He should have had them take him to his room, it’d be way-

“Hi, Mrs. Prince!” It was Patton. Roman grabbed another pillow and pulled it over himself. “Is Roman here?”

“Well hey, guys,” Amber said, sounding amused. “He is.”

“Is he okay?” That was Virgil’s voice. How many of them were here?

“Wanna come in? He’s in the living room with Hazel?” Roman groaned into the pillow, wishing he had his other arm to grab a second one.

“Well hi there, Patton,” Hazel said cheerfully. “You must be Virgil and Logan?”

“Nice to meet you.” Logan said. Hazel pulled the pillow off of Roman’s face and he sighed, avoiding all their eyes.

“What, Roman hasn’t talked about me?” Dennis asked unhappily.

“Oh calm down.” Virgil snapped. “Roman, I’m really sorry. I didn’t-”

“Why are you sorry?” Roman asked irritably, finally turning to look at them. “You weren’t the dumbass who hit me with a car.”

“Roman!” Hazel frowned. “Please.” Roman ignored her and looked at Virgil.

“I tripped you! You fell because of me, and-”

“No you didn’t.” Roman sat up awkwardly, shaking his head. “I screwed my knee up way before I even got to school.”

“...oh. But I thought…”

“See?” Patton hugged Virgil cheerfully. “I told you he’d be fine.”

“We’ll let you guys hang out.” Hazel said, moving from her spot on the couch. “Do you guys want to stay for pizza?” Roman sighed, rubbing his eyes as Amber and Hazel left to the kitchen.

“I really am sorry,” Virgil mumbled.

“It’s not your fault,” Roman repeated as Patton took Hazels seat and the others all found a place on the floor or other couch. “Why’d you guys all come over here?”

“We were worried about you!” Patton pouted. 

“And I got all your homework.” Dennis said, pulling out a wad of papers. “Your math teacher is a jerk.”

“How do you know what classes I take?” Roman asked, accepting the stack and looking at them.

“He won’t tell us,” Logan said. Dennis shrugged.

“I gotta keep some secrets to myself.”

“You’re no good at secrets.” Virgil informed him, still watching Roman worriedly. Roman sighed. This is exactly what he was worried about. Now they all thought he was more fragile than he actually was, and they’d only ever see him like that. Awesome.

“Virgil, listen.” Roman leaned over Patton to grab the papers and diagrams Dr. Connors had given them. “This is my leg.” he held an X-ray in front of his friends face. “The patella and femur broke in the accident, and I have a bunch of metal and stuff in there keeping it together.”

“Wh-” Roman didn’t let Virgil speak, just kept talking.

“I’m only supposed to walk a certain amount every day right now. Usually I use that mostly at school, and on weekends I walk at the park. Yesterday I walked over twice as much as I’m supposed to, and my knee wasn’t ready.” Roman’s throat was tightening as he tried not to start crying again. He really didn’t need that right now.

“Roman-”

“I’m a stubborn idiot,” Roman continued. “So I didn’t tell anyone my leg was hurt and I didn’t take it easy. Then I went to step over you, and that was it. If you weren’t on the floor, it could have happened at any moment anywhere today. Alright? It’s not your fault.”

“I’m sorry,” Virgil mumbled, burying his head in his hands. Roman sighed, dropping the papers onto the coffee table. 

“Roman is right,” Logan said slowly, glancing between Roman and Virgil. Virgil scowled. “perhaps it’s a good thing it happened like it did, using his leg longer may have made it worse.”

“Why don’t we talk about something else?” Patton suggested. “Something nice!”

“Like what?”

“Uh….” Patton bit his lip and smiled. “The fact that both Dennis and Virgil got parts in the play!! We found out before school and didn’t get to tell you!” Roman beamed, glad to distract himself like Patton had intended.

“Really? Guys, that’s awesome! What about you, Patt?”

“Well,” Patton shrugged. “I’m just in ensemble again, but that’s fine! I’ll be the best background character ever!”

“I’m proud of you for getting a part, Virge!” Roman said, turning to beam at his friend. Virgil only seemed more distressed. “Virgil?”

“I can’t believe I got an important part, my audition wasn’t nearly as good as Pattons! What if I mess up and can’t do it? What if I have an anxiety attack or something during the show? Why on earth would the director cast me if she knows I’m not reliable?” Roman glanced between Virgil and Dennis, not voicing what he’d noticed at the auditions.

“Awe, you’ll do amazing!” Patton insisted. “We’ll help you practice!”

“Is that why you were in sweater town?” Roman realized. “This has not been your day my friend.”

“Then we better carpe diem it before something else happens.” Dennis declared, jumping to his feet. “What do you do for fun around here?”

“Football.” Roman said. Virgil smirked, hiding his smile under his hands. The other three sat in confused silence for a moment before Dennis turned and examined the movie shelf.

“You have a lot of Disney movies.”

“I have all of them,” Roman said proudly, sitting up a bit straighter. “They’re organized in order of release dates. The top is oldest and the bottom is newest.”

“Wow, you love Disney, huh?” Patton giggled. Roman nodded.

“I’m pretty sure I watched Aladdin a million times this summer.” He agreed. “What do you guys want to watch? If it’s Disney, we have it. We have some Dreamworks and other movies, too, but they’re not on the Disney wall.” The ‘Disney Wall’ had been one of the first things Amber and Hazel put together when they moved after the accident.

“Are you guys staying for Pizza?” Hazel asked, poking her head out. “What kind?”

“Do you want us to stay?” Logan asked, adjusting his glasses to look at Roman. Roman nodded as Dennis pulled Sleeping Beauty from the shelf and examined the cover.

“Pepperoni!” Patton cheered, throwing his hands in the air. No one else suggested a kind of pizza, as Dennis was still reading the cover to Sleeping Beauty and Logan and Virgil were in some kind of staring contest.

“Pepperoni it is, I guess.” Hazel laughed, going back to the kitchen.

“We’re watching this!” Dennis announced, kneeling in front of the tv. “Is it okay if I just put it in?”

“I don’t think Hazel would be happy if I got up and tried.” Roman said, shrugging.

“Stay on that couch!” Hazel called from the kitchen. Roman waved his hand in acknowledgment, Patton giggled.

“I haven’t seen this one before,” Dennis confessed as he sat with his back against the couch. Roman gasped dramatically.

“What? That’s it, you’re legally required to stay here until the movie ends.” he declared. “Sleeping Beauty was my childhood!”

“Whatever you say, Prince Roman.” Dennis jokingly saluted. Roman rolled his eyes and leaned back against the cushions, wondering how on earth he’d made it through that conversation, how he hadn’t completely fallen apart. He glanced around at the others, hiding a small smile. It really had been a while since he had good friends.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Roman bolted upright, eyes snapping open to show his dark bedroom, just the same as he’d left it when he fell asleep. Roman sighed and shook his head. Nightmares. He couldn't remember exactly what it had been about, but he knew Dennis and Patton had been there. Virgil, maybe. It wasn’t a nightmare about the accident. It had just been unsettling, and he had no idea why.

Roman sighed in annoyance when he realized the compression sock he had to wear again had come off while he slept. He hated it, he really did. He hated every piece of his ‘recovery’. He was only recovering at all because of that stupid drunk driver. He pulled the sock back on, then flopped backward to stare at the ceiling. What about the dream had unsettled him so much? He couldn't remember anything about it, he just knew it had been awful.

And why were his friends in the dream? What did they have to do with this uneasy feeling? Ugh, he just wanted to get a good night's sleep for once. Was that so much to ask? Roman pulled a pillow from where it had fallen to the side and put it over his head, hoping it would help. It didn’t. It just made him anxious about suffocating - which hadn’t happened for a while now either. Why was he getting so paranoid now?

Roman sat up again and glared at the wheelchair sitting next to his bed. He hated it, but he’d managed to limp it through the hallway with his one arm. He knew Hazel and Amber had hated letting him do that, so why did he insist on it? Hadn’t he been trying to make them feel better this whole freaking time? He hated making them worry after everything.

What was he doing? Roman let out a slow breath, looking around his room again. What did he expect to happen by not taking care of himself? It would just make everyone more upset. He flopped back down onto his pillows, blinking back tears. He hated this.

my poor boi. why do I hurt you so much? I’m sorry.

BB AU Taglist:

@a-demonic-presence @deathshadowrules, @enbyamy, @ninja-wizard101, @sizzlingfacedonut, @mirror2thespirit, @nottodaylogic, @fanders-art, @livnlavidaloki, @imtooaromanticforthis

I think that’s everyone! If you want to be tagged, send me an ask and I’ll add you! ^-^ Also, if you have any questions about the AU I’d love to answer!!!

[let-me-love-you-loki]

Hounds of Justice--Ch. 59

Chapter 59

           The room was dark, quiet. Lonely wasn’t quite the word for it. It was being caught up in my own head without any way to get away. It was feeling helpless, empty.

           I could do nothing more than stare up at the ceiling, counting the spots in the tiles for the millionth time. It was exhausting, and I truly had spent most of the past forty-eight hours sleeping. Yet there was a bone-deep weariness that wouldn’t go away. Perhaps it was the sadness that had crept into every corner of my being. Perhaps it was the desperation for some escape from the prison of my own body.

           Dean slept in the chair at the side of my bed. It was impossible to see, but I knew he was there. His soft, snuffling snores were the only soothing thing about the room. My heart ached knowing he was there. Part of me was grateful that he hadn’t gone, that he had settled himself into the raging storm and planted himself as my center in the eye. And yet I hated that he had taken the weight of that center on his shoulders.

           I squeezed my eyes shut, felt tears burn hot and fast down into my hair. One split second and I’d lost everything.

           When Carl and Hannah came, I’d beg them to take me back to North Carolina… to spirt me away in the middle of the night… to help me spare the Hounds the burden of who I had become. Then they could go on with their lives.

           Waking up was an agony that was more than physical. It was the realization once again that I was different, broken. It was taking a horror-filled inventory of limbs that could no longer be felt, of pain that was near constant in the body I could sense. It was a rushing wave of memory, the understanding that it hadn’t been a nightmare. That it was real.

           Forever.

           Doctors came and went. There were CAT scans, MRIs, X-rays, blood tests… a thousand pokes and prods and scans and pictures. Nurses took care of the things that I no longer had the power to, fanning the flame of shame. I cried whenever they showed up, reminded anew of how even the choice of movement had been stripped from me.

           “Hey, dollface,” Dean said as his face appeared above me. He looked bleary eyed, like he was running on two hours of sleep and twelve cups of coffee. “Renee sent you something.”

           He held out a Tupperware bowl, the top dripping with condensation. Inside sloshed a hearty-looking soup. He smiled sideways as he stepped away, pulling the tray over my bed to set out the food. Dean kept up a quiet stream of chatter while he worked. His voice was light, but I could sense the strain in it.

           I bit my lip, doing my best to shut down the tears that boiled like acid in my eyes. I didn’t want him to see how truly broken I was. He deserved more than to have another burden added to his shoulders.

           “Homemade vegetable soup,” he said with a flourish. “The nurses argued with me for half an hour, but I told ‘em you were gettin’ some real food in this place.”

           Dean pulled a cloth napkin from the bag and draped it over my lap. Then he took the remote and started to slowly raise my bed until I was sitting up. As soon as the lid popped off the bowl, my mouth started to water. My stomach growled.

           “See,” Dean said, grinning. “I told ‘em you needed some real fucking food, dollface. They’re starvin’ you.”

           As if it was the most natural thing in the world, Dean scooped up some of the soup in a spoon and slowly brought it to my mouth. The corner of his mouth was turned up a little in a faint smile, but there was something strained about it.

           Shards of glass spread through my chest. It was heat and ice and an agonizing sharpness that reminded me of how numb the rest of my body was. My heart chipped away. Piece by piece.

           “Dean,” I whispered softly, blinking away the tears that gathered on my lashes. “Stop. Stop, please.”

           He looked between me and the spoon that hovered over the bowl. “Too hot?” He brought the spoon up, took a quick sip of the broth.

           “Why are you doing this?”

           I watched a curtain fall behind his gaze. Happy-go-lucky Dean gave way to a stoic man that was a stranger to me. Plastic clattered against wood.

           “Doing what?”

           Sniffle. Breathe. Wheeze instead. It felt as if the razor edges of my heart were slicing through my diaphragm.

           Silence stretched out, the sound of my labored breath becoming louder with each passing second. A furrow creased the space between Dean’s brows. He moved with a fluid motion despite the panic that seemed to build in his eyes. With one hand, he pressed the nurse call button on my bed. With the other, he moved the tray out of the way without spilling a drop.

           The squeak of shoes heralded the arrival of Mandy, my day nurse. She was pretty and reminded me of my brother Georgie’s wife. Before she could speak, Dean crossed the room and whispered something feverishly into her ear.

           A split second passed. Distant pressure the center of my chest. A mad thought that I could feel it. Or was it just because I could see it happening?

           Whirlwind. Pinpricks of pain that tore a whimper from my throat. Terror at what was happening, at the look of utter helplessness in Dean’s face.

           People rushed in and out. My world fell off its axis. Dean was pushed into the corner, looking as helpless as I felt.

           I awoke in an entirely different room. A different brace around my neck. Scratchy fabric across my forehead. Scalding heat burning through my chest and arms. The pain was so overwhelming that I nearly wished for the numbness.

           “It’s about time, itiiti,” Roman said from somewhere nearby. “You’ve been out for hours.”

           The attempt to turn toward the sound of his voice was met with something like a million volts through the back of my neck. I cried out before I’d even realized it.

           “Don’t try to move. They’ve got you strapped down.” His voice moved closer. A shadow preceded the appearance of his familiar face above me. His black hair was slicked back and tied back in a bun. Dark circles framed his even darker eyes. “You came out of surgery for a while.”

           “Surgery?” My voice came out raspy. A cough nearly made me gag, blood running down the back of my throat.

           Roman crossed his arms over his chest. “Apparently you were having trouble breathing or something. But your fingers were twitching Dean said. He’s out talking with the surgeon and Seth.”

           I felt sick at the thought of Seth seeing me like this again. The world had passed me by—I had no idea what day it was or where they should have been. All I knew was that it certainly wasn’t here.

           “How?”

           A smirk lifted the corner of his mouth. “Itiiti, we’ve got this place handled. Someone put it out there that Hunter’s your dad, Rollins is your husband, and Dean and I are your brothers. Wouldn’t surprise me if Hunter pulled all that together himself so we could stay with you.”

           “Why…” I took a breath, trying to think. “Why are you here?”

           The smile disappeared. He reached out to touch me but seemed to think better of it. Instead, he gripped the railing on the side of the bed. “Because you belong to us.”

           Finite.

           Firm.

           A universal truth.

Tag List

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[darktammy]

Welcome Back Dean

If you wanna be tag in this story let me know. Please be cool with this. It’s my first time doing this thank you all. Yeah there some smut in this story #sorrynotsorry Enjoy.

The reader founds out just like everyone else to see Dean Ambrose has come back to wwe. She was super excited but also let down from what she saw. Can the reader and Dean make things up?

Dean Ambrose x Reader 

You sat in the back waiting for the show to end. All you want to do was get back home so you can call Dean. You and Dean been friends for a long time now. You were there with him when he wrestled in CZW, all the way into the FCW/NXT. You were starting to worry about him because he didn’t answer his phone. You tried calling his phone once again, but nothing it just went to voicemail. “Damn it Dean why are you not answering?” You said to yourself. You sat in the locker room watching Dolph and Drew making there little speech about how Seth was not going to show up while Kurt Angle was standing in the ring with them. Then Seth’s music hit everyone in the crowd cheered on when he walk out, but stood there with a mic in his hand. “Since I know your gonna have the Scottish sociopath in your corner at summerslam. I figure...I outta have a Lunatic in mine.”  The crowd goes wild then Dean’s music hits. You was in shock to see him come out from behind. “Oh my god baby!!” you said with a smile on your face. “Your here?!” you said to no one really, you were just too excited to see him there.

You remember when he first got injured you, Roman and Seth were all there to help him out. You mostly was there for him when he had to go thru his surgery. Dean had to go thru rehabilitation for his arm. You was there with him thru it all even when he was ready to give it all up you there for him. “I can’t Y/N, this is to much for me.” Dean said looking at you with eyes full of tears. “Hey Deano I’m here for you love, don’t give up on me now. I’m here with you.” You told him with a smile. After all those months you stood by his side, and Dean was grateful for it.

Now here his back with Seth together, word can’t describe the emotions that your feeling right now. Your heart was racing your body was shaking and your eyes filled with tears. “Your back Dean, you really came back!” You said once again you waited until the Raw went off the air just so you can see him. You walk out of the locker just so you can catch up with Dean Ambrose. You saw him from the corner talking with Seth & Roman you had a big smile on your face. You walk up just a little more then you stop due to the fact that Renee walk up to Dean smiling then hugging him as she kiss him. You felt your heart break from seeing that kiss she gave him you look down trying hold back some tears. “Hey Y/N!” Roman said making everyone look back to see you even Dean. You look at with a fake smile on your face as you walk up to them. “Hey you guys...Dean it’s been awhile since I last saw you.” You told him with smile. “Yeah it has been awhile, oh yeah thanks again for being there for me. Without ya I don’t think I would have made it.” He said with a smile. “I think you would have made it just fine without me Deano.” With that you turn and walk away. Leaving Dean with a confused look on his face.

You laid in the bed in your hotel room with tears running down your face. After everything you been threw with Dean after everything you and him have done together. He went back to his stupid ex-girlfriend Renee. You saw the time it was getting late so all you want to do is sleep and forget about what happen. You heard a text from your phone, you look at it to see it was from Dean. Dean: “Hey can we talk like in person please?” You just ignored his text as you started to take your clothes off heading to take a bath. Your phone rang once again you rolled your eyes just see it was Dean calling you. You just ignored the phone as you walk into the bathroom to take your shower.

Once you felt fresh from your shower you put on your favorite bra & panty, which turns out, it was the same one Dean bought you for your birthday. You laid down on the bed ready to fall asleep then you heard a loud knock on your door. “Hey Y/N, I know you're in there open up so we can talk please?” You turn your body away from the door as you pulled one of the pillow over your head. The knock was louder this time Dean almost yelling. “HEY Y/N, OPEN UP!!” You got up from your bed annoyed as you walk to the open opening it ready to yell out him. He grab your face smacking his lips right on to yours. He pushes you back as he makes his way into the room kicking the hotel door close. You break the kiss as you look up at Dean. “What are you doing?” He look down at with a smile. “I think you know why Y/N. I saw the look in your eyes you really think I was going to get back with Renee?” You look at him confused moving back from until felt the bed behind you. Dean walk up to you as he pushes you down making lay flat on your back. Dean crawled on top of you.  “I care about you Y/N, you know what no...I don’t care...I love you Y/N.” You look up at him shaking your head. “Dean please stop don’t lie to me.” You said holding back some tears. Dean had a sweet smile on his face. “I’m not lying to ya sweetheart, I mean it. When you walk I was mad because I knew, I knew why Renee came around, and I knew she was trying to hard to get me back, but nothing was gonna work not with me really. Y/N you're all I need right now baby girl.” With that Dean kiss you once again making you moan into his mouth.

Dean didn’t waste any time as he took his shirt off showing off on how thick he look. You lick your lips with smile moaning. “Oh my god you got big baby.” He smiled looking down at you. “I needed a new look for my comeback.” As he took his pants off without getting out bed. “Dean I wanna feel you right now.” Dean lick his lips as he rip your panty off. “Dean!!” He laugh as he slide down opening your legs wide. “I’ll get you a new ones as for now, I need tastes you baby girl.” With that he ate you out like it was the end of the world. Making you moan out his name as you move you hand down to his head. Dean look up at you while you look down at him biting your bottom lips. You almost forgot he cut his hair so all you did was run your nails thru his scalp. His tongue moving up and down on your bud like magic. Dean had an idea he add two fingers inside you making you moan even louder than before. “Dean...ple..please...I’m gonna-” He add another finger inside pumping you even faster making you scream out his name while you hit your orgasm.

You pulled Dean up so you can kiss him, tasting yourself. “Oh you tasted better than I thought baby girl. You smiled at him you moved your hand down to feel his rock hard cock. “I wanna suck on it Dean. Please let me. Please?” You beg to him. He nodded as he sat on the edge of the bed. You move to where he was you start to rub his cock that was still cover by his boxer. “Go ahead baby girl, it’s not gonna suck itself.” You giggled a bit as you pulled out his cock, and oh boy you was in shock. He was pretty long and thick like wow, how can you put something like that in your mouth. “Is everything alright sweetheart?” You look up at him. “Yeah your pretty big...I mean it’s not that bad… I mean...I-I just…” Dean grab your head then cock putting it in your mouth making you gag every time he shove your head down his cock. “Oh yeah baby girl that’s it, I wanna hear you gag, ohh!!” Dean keep his eyes on you while you put your hands on his thighs. You keep sucking and trying to swallow him whole, until he pulled your head making him look at you. “Oohhaaa. I almost came baby girl nah, not like that you what I’m gonna to you right now right?” You nodded you head as push you back on the bed now ripping your bar off. “Dea….Daddy please I need you.” With that Dean line his cock up with your pussy rubbing your bud until he slam himself right into you, making you moan out his name. He took his time while he sat inside you making you adjust to his size. You nodded letting him know that you was ready. He start to thrust inside you slow making sure you can handle him. You start to moan his name while looking into his beautiful blue eyes. “Oh daddy...yes please don’t hold back from me.” He smiled “Oh baby girl I won’t.”

You wrap your legs around his waist while he start to pick up speed thrusting in your pussy even faster making you moan his name even louder. You kiss Dean while he keep on fucking you now harder and faster. “Oh daddy please...I’m just might come.” He look down at you. “Not yet baby girl hold out just a little bit.” You did what he said as you tried your hardest to hold back. You felt Dean’s hand rubbing circles on your bud making you whimper more. Your walls start to closing in on his hard cock Dean started to pick up speed. “Come with me baby girl!” That’s all it took for you to finally release soon after Dean came as well. He kiss you hard as he rolled over to the other side of the bed pulling the covers over both of you. You laid next to Dean with  smile on your face. “I love Y/N. You were the only person that was there for me, even when I was about to give up you left my side.” You look up at him smiling while he look down at you. “I know baby, I was never gonna give up on you I love you Dean.” He smile as he kiss the top of you head. “Oh yeah I almost forgot to say this.” You look into his eyes. “Welcome back Dean.”