#having friends and yet really deeply valuing your time alone is like the definition of the angel and devi

[jjkyaoi]

that moment when you’re having a really good time socially with these people you like and actually laughing and wanting them to hang around more the longer it goes on so when it’s time for them to leave you’re like “hey you should come back over on (this random day)” impulsively and then they agree and you’re both like awesome i’m excited to see you then !! and then two days pass and you’re like. what the fuck was i on about

[bakugoushotwife]

Inextricable P2 (Sasuke x Fem!Reader)

a/n: okay plz don't hurt me im so sorry...this one is brutal, and we'll definitely need a part three to wrap this all up and I will need your help with a decision so look for the poll i'll link!!

summary: Sasuke has left the village and training has yielded amazing results. Kakashi grows anxious about your future, Sasuke finds a way to communicate, and you've unlocked your Mangekyo sharingan...but how?

warnings: a shit ton of angst you guys, spoilers for Shippuden, major character death, decently long once more

pairings: sasuke x uchiha!fem!reader, slight naruto x uchiha!fem!reader

wc: 6230

part one // part three

“No.’ Comes from Kakashi sternly, his hand closing around your wrist quickly. “It’s even more dangerous for you now.” He says, hoping you would understand. 

You try to, tilting your head to the side to contemplate the risks. “I’m strong enough to handle them.” You reply after a while, giving Kakashi a crazed look of your own. He knew you harbored the same hate and desire for revenge in your heart, so what had stopped you from joining Sasuke when he had asked? 

Naruto cleared his throat. “Kakashi-Sensei! We have to go after him right now! You know I’ll keep Y/N-chan safe!” He protested alongside you to no avail.

“We need to alert the Hokage, she’ll decide how to proceed, you two. I’m sorry, but if you went after him you would be doing the same thing he is.” He said meekly, he was fighting himself. Your arrival had changed everything about him, made him a more careful and thoughtful person. He cared for you deeply, this was known. The danger you faced now put a lump in his throat. Sasuke was unpredictable, and as much as Kakashi had changed, he started out in a very similar place. Kakashi didn’t have anyone dear to him at that time, but he knows if he had known Rin then he would have done anything to keep her safe. Kakashi could only hope Sasuke considered you dear to him. He couldn’t rest his hope on that alone, knowing the risks involved. 

Naruto grumbled at Kakashi’s ruling. Kakashi knew what he would have to do. He would have to tell Tsunade and Naruto your true persona when you all briefed her on Sasuke’s desertion. Knowing the truth, Naruto would be motivated to keep you and Sasuke apart for the time being and Tsunade would prevent you from being put in harm's way. 

Boy was Kakashi disappointed by the results. He had miscalculated. Naruto was surprised, mouth hanging open at Kakashi’s every word, even if he didn’t quite know who Shisui Uchiha was. It hurt him to think that his friend, a boy he views like his family, would hurt you. He had known you for a short time, but he valued you. You were kind to him, you were very strong, and you always shared your snacks with him while you waited on Kakashi to start training. 

But Tsunade heard the implied part of the story, and her thoughts were focused elsewhere. She, unlike Naruto, knew exactly who Shisui Uchiha was, and the way she studied you like a bug under a microscope made you nervous. “Younger sister of Shisui…a secret Uchiha. Kakashi, your daughter is already a top chunin, correct?” She asked, still staring at you. 

Kakashi’s heart rate quickened. “Uh, you could say that, sure.”

“And she’s not using her doujutsu or any abilities associated with the sharignan?”

He shifted his weight uncomfortably. He knew what she was really asking. “I’ve helped her harness her abilities in private, but as that would expose her identity, no, she doesn’t use them for her missions and classes.”

Tsunade smirked, very interested in the power you truly held. If Sasuke was led astray, perhaps Naruto could persuade him back on track. Or maybe you could force him. “So she’s already hailed as a Hatake prodigy, thanks to you. Yet if what you tell me is true, she’s only using a percentage of her abilities.”

Kakashi doesn’t know how to respond. He’s not exactly sure what Itachi’s motivations behind all this were, but he does know it wasn’t his choice and that certain people would send assassins after the female Uchiha if she was discovered to be alive. He didn’t like the hungry glint to the Hokage’s eye, he had made the wrong decision. Tsunade would use you and Naruto as weapons. 

“She’s supposed to be dead. It would be a great danger–”

“Danger? Is she not stronger than Sasuke?”

“I am.” You declare, knowing that in your heart Kakashi was worried about you, but your worries lay elsewhere. 

“She is–Lady Hokage, I’m not concerned about Sasuke, if I’m truthful. There are leaders, people from other nations that fear the Uchiha name, people of our own village.” Kakashi points out, folding his arms over his chest gruffly. He looks at you sadly before he continues. “If word were to get around of a female Uchiha, a second survivor. That leaves the younger brother of Itachi Uchiha alive and the younger sister of Shisui. There is potential for Sasuke and Y/N to rebuild a pureblood powerful line of their clan, and they won’t allow this. She would be under attack.”

Tsunade sighs. She organizes her words in her brain before she says them. “That’s why she’ll need more training. Naruto will leave for training with Jiraiya soon.”

“Are you suggesting I send her to train alongside Naruto?”

“It’s something to consider, but I would also be interested in students. I’ll take both your girls.” She smirked, knowing medical nin is something Kakashi has introduced and taught the basics of, but there was no better teacher than the Tsunade Senju. Plus her chakra seal would increase your power by a large margin.

You look to Kakashi expectantly, hoping he accepts this proposition for you and Sakura. 

He sighs, knowing he couldn’t get out of this. “I think that would be wonderful for the two of them. On one condition.”

Tsunade shakes her head, knowing what Kakashi was about to propose. “No can do, Kakashi. She needs to train and go on missions using her true talents. If assassins come, we will deal with them. You can keep her safe, you have this far.” The fifth Hokage stands and folds her arms, leaning against the front of her desk. “Besides, if she never fights with her all, we’ll never know what she can do.” She reaches her hand out and pats your head. 

Later that day, Lady Tsunade sends Shikamaru to round up a team to go after Sasuke. He doesn’t ask you to go, probably because the way your fight against him went back during the chunin exams. It still upsets you when Naruto comes to say goodbye, promising Sakura and yourself that he would do whatever it took to bring Sasuke back, and not to worry. 

The years pass seemingly slowly. Naruto left the village to train with Master Jiraiya, a lively and funny man. You knew Naruto would have fun, and hopefully develop rapidly. 

This left you and Sakura to train with Tsunade. Admittedly, Sakura was better than you, naturally drawn to the art. Don’t misunderstand, you were very talented, but you would much rather spend your time learning more jutsu from Kakashi. 

You can’t deny how helpful the chakra control has been, though. You earned your seal, able to use it for your jutsu and not consume any power. This impresses Kakashi every time he sees you do it, mentally proud that he has taught you to be more powerful than him. You were brilliant, he thought. You already exerted amazing chakra control before, but Tsunade’s training has made you a well rounded threat.

He loves you, he realized this when Sasuke left the village. You see, he had known for a while that he cared for you, he thought it was similar to the way he cared for the members of his team. He would do anything to get Sasuke back, to protect Sakura, or to make Naruto feel encouraged. Anything that wouldn’t require him to leave you too long, of course. For you, there was truly nothing he wouldn’t do, and he wonders how he could feel so powerfully for a child that isn’t his own. 

“Check this out!” You call out, dissipating yourself. Kakashi can’t see you anywhere, a puff of smoke clouding the air. He pushes his headband up and scans the area, no sign of your chakra. He becomes worried instantly, the issues since your reveal as an Uchiha seemingly endless. Had another assassin come, jumping you at the perfect time?

His troublesome thoughts are interrupted by a swarm of leaves swirling around in the wind and pooling at his feet. He realizes a second later, as you start reanimating in front of him. You smile, a girl three years older, a girl proud of what she’s learned seeking his approval. 

You make it easy to give it, the jutsu powerful and sneaky. Most times, you would be too quick and unsuspecting that it would be hard to catch that it was a leaf substitution jutsu at all. “Nice work Y/N. Keep practicing and you’ll get faster.” He nods, a smile of relief cloaked beneath his mask. “It’s a nice ode to Shisui’s flicker.”

You nod, still beaming. “It worked on Shikamaru!” You share animatedly. Shikamaru was always your test subject before you showed Kakashi a new move, his wits being top of the line. Your rule of thumb was if he figured it out, it wasn’t ready. “I have another, if you want to see!”

He leaned against a nearby tree, arms lazily folded across his chest. “Let's see.”

You smirk. Instantly, your sharingan sings to life, all three tomoes swimming to their rightful positions before your eyes even open again. “Plant style: lifeless limb!” You call, weaving the corresponding sign. The tree Kakashi leaned against started to move, the branches growing to wrap his body in their clutches. Kakashi jumps out of the way, looking at you to read your next move. You lock eyes for a moment and continue weaving signs, incorporating some fire and some wind style into your barrage, but only the minor stuff. You wouldn’t want to hurt him too badly after all, he hadn’t realized he was in a genjutsu just yet. 

This was the one you were most proud of. This delayed sense genjutsu makes the opponent see your movements 20 seconds later, giving you plenty of time to get in the finishing blow. For the purpose of showing Kakashi, you just used your extra time to get up in his face and make a silly pose. 

When he realizes what’s happened, you’re standing in front of him, making a goofy face with the assistance of some of your fingers to give you a pig nose. He chuckles, it’s genuine and warm. He’s overwhelmed with pride, that genjutsu enough to make your name feared, if it wasn’t already. He gives you a fond smile, resting his hand on your head. Yes you had grown in power, but not much in height. “That’s amazing! You sure have made me proud.”

You didn’t realize how hearing those words would make you feel. You begin to tear up. If it wasn’t for Kakashi, you didn’t know where you would be. Would you even be a fraction of this talented? Loved? Supported? You crush him in a hug. You two had an amazing bond, but were both horribly awkward. Neither of you ever knew the proper protocol for interaction or physical affection. He wasn’t your father, but he absolutely was your Dad. Life was short, you would know. Losing everyone you care about will put things in perspective in that regard. Kakashi has been the only constant in a life full of variables, and for that, you love him. “Thanks, Dad.”

His eyes widened, surprised by the force of your hug and then the words that followed. He only places his hand on the back of your head, the other returning your hug.He looked down at you, your hair pushed back by the same purple headband he gave you at six. He was moved by that, for it was no accident. You had let it slip before, but always turned red and apologized profusely after. This time, it was carefully chosen, and it almost meant more now that you were nearly grown. You recognized everything he had done and continues to do, and you wanted to thank him for all of it, not just today’s training. The other jounin often asked if he felt like he lost the ability to have his own real family, or if he felt like he didn’t get to live a full life. He always answered honestly. ‘No, she is my own family, I just didn’t have to deal with a crying baby.’ and  ‘I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything.’

He takes the time to carefully craft his own reply. After all he realized the answer to his earlier question: it was him, his influence is how you tame your rage and why you stayed in the village. “Always, my girl.” 

You hum, relinquishing him from your hug. “I’m going to meditate, then I’ll be home.” You say, neither of you keen to sit in emotion.

He nods, taking a deep breath. “Alright, I’ll leave you to it then. I’ve got to meet with Tsuande later, so I may not be back for dinner. Don’t wait up.”

It’s your turn to nod, letting him walk away entirely before you turn to address the other wave of chakra you detected while your sharingan was still active. 

“You made it.” You say with a deadpan tone. “You’re lucky he didn’t see you.” You add, wondering when the bird got there.

The black bird’s head twitches, talons gripping the lowest branch of the tree closest to you. “I’m not worried about him.” The deep voice said calmly, it had lost its lilt of arrogance. 

You sigh and move to sit down, leaning your back against the base of the tree. “I am, and you claim to worry about me. So by association…”

“I worry about you because you could be stronger, he’s holding you back.” The voice says from the mouth of the crow. 

You chuckle. “Any stronger and you wouldn’t stand a chance at beating me.” You declare, shaking your head from his earlier comments. “Kakashi means a lot to me, so be nice. He was your sensei.” You add, trying to imbue some respect.

He scoffs. “That’s why I would win. I didn’t have anyone to cuddle me through my nightmares.” He spits, and you know he doesn’t mean it the way it sounds. 

“I know, I wish you had.” You say sadly, staring into Sasuke’s sharingan. His crow cocks it head toward you. “I mean something to you, that’s why you send this crow, is it not?”

Silence reigns for some time. “You’re my only competition. I like to keep close tabs on you.” The bird hops down from the branch, landing conveniently on your thigh. Now you have to look slightly down at the creature of chakra.

This causes you to smile, you try to hide it behind your hand, but from the way the crow’s eyes narrow you can tell he’s already seen it. Sasuke quickly cleared up any concern about being a threat to you, sending this crow for the first time just two weeks after he left. “Yeah, you like to spend your days chatting with the enemy?”

He groans. “It’s not exactly that.”

“I know. It’s you worrying about me.” You correct, lovingly stroking the bird above the beak. “Or is it a coincidence that you started visiting me again when the first assassin came?”

Again, the crow just tilts its head side to side for a few seconds. “Idiot Kakashi for telling that moron of a woman!” 

You bite your lip, knowing when to pick your battles. “I’m glad I get to be myself now, in any event.” You say cheerfully, adjusting your headband carefully, before reaching down for your shinobi headband tied around your thigh. “It means I get to go on missions and fight with my full power. It feels good.” 

“Imagine how free you would feel with me.” He hummed, the crow spreading its wings but unmoving. “Your training is finished, Y/N. Face it. I’m almost finished myself. My offer stands, my dear, I can still come get you when it’s time for revenge.”

You bite your lip. You would be lying if you said you hadn’t thought about it. You missed him horribly, despite how things went the last time you spoke in person. You had been communicating like this for three years, and it only brought you closer and reminded you both of a simpler time. You still want revenge on Itachi. Of course you do. He killed your brother and entire clan, forcing you into a life consumed with fear and guilt. As grateful as you are for Kakashi, you would have much preferred your brother and true parents. 

Kakashi. That’s the reason you hadn’t left already, along with your other friends. You see the way Sasuke’s departure has tortured them, and you don’t know if you’re capable of doing the same. Maybe he was right, the day he left. In most ways, you’re so powerful. In this way, you are weak. 

“I’ll think about it.”

“Don’t tell me you’re worried about leaving Kakashi?”

“He’s the only family I know!” You defend, irritated by the complexity of the emotions squeezing down on your heart. “Of course I don’t wanna hurt him by leaving! I miss you, it feels horrible to miss someone this bad. But Sasuke..your path, I’m worried about what you may become. It’s only natural to feel the way you do–”

“Shut up.” 

You furrow your brows, prepared to keep going. 

“You either miss me, or you don’t.” Sasuke states plainly. 

“Sasuke…”You pause, gathering your thoughts. You feel the way his eye scans over you, like he was worried you would lie. “You are all I have left. I’ll join you…for a time, and if you promise me something.”

His bird leaned in, anxious to hear your conditions. 

“It’s just you and me. We don’t work with anyone evil. We can work to be pardoned that way.” You reasoned. Part of you knew he wouldn’t agree to it, part of you hoped he would. Despite the disappointment that Kakashi would still face, you ached to see him again. You knew Kakashi would eventually understand, he would forgive you. 

More silence followed. “I’ll think about it.” He finally said, parroting your earlier words through his crow. You hum in response, absentmindedly reaching for your hair to play with. “If Tsunade revealed your true identity, why are you still coloring your hair?” He asks, hoping to change the subject to something more palatable. However frustrated you made him, he does care for you. He struggled to admit this for a time. He would see the color green in the oak trees around him and the quaint ponds he passed on his journey, and he would think of your tricycle and the way your childhood giggle sounded. He remembered the emotional whirlpool from the night of the massacre: the relief of seeing you alive, the fear that you would still be killed, the sadness as Itachi confirmed that he was to blame for everything wrong with your life, the agony as his brother suggested he earn a Mangekyo from killing you, the grief as he watched Itachi cart you away. He remembers the relief he felt, seeing your face again during chunin exams. He remembers letting Naruto and Sakura close to him in hopes they would earn him Mangekyo someday. He loves you, in his own warped way. He doesn’t know exactly what that entails, just that he could never harm you or allow anyone else to. 

“I like the way it looks, the colors make me feel part of both clans.” You reply with the truth as always. You were ever honest, and he valued that part of you too. “Plus, it still throws off the occasional assassin.” You chuckle softly. 

He groans again. He also likes the way it looks, you are impossibly beautiful. Sasuke was no slouch with women, as you remember from adolescence. Yet no girl compared, they didn’t glow like you did. No one could possibly understand him the way you did either, he didn’t have to watch his words around you. He didn’t have to wonder who you were loyal to, despite his annoyance with your fondness for your adoptive father. He can’t exactly compliment your appearance, so he decides on, “That was so stupid. She put a target on your back.”

“She wanted me to fight with my full ability.” You argue, trying to put it in perspective. 

“By declaring to the world that the Last Uchiha Princess is in the Leaf? Moronic.” He huffs, very dissatisfied with the attempts on your life. “You would be safer with me too.”

You arch your brow, a small blush creeping its way up your neck. “Last Uchiha Princess huh? I kinda like the sound of that.”

Your neck catches a sudden chill and you power up your eyes, scanning for the reason. Sasuke’s crow flies back to his original position on a tree branch, wondering what came next. It always made him nervous to visit you like this for this reason. If this was an assassin, he wouldn’t have time to get to you. The leaves rustle,, it gets closer before a tall figure emerges from the treeline.

“Y/N-chan! Sakura told me you were here!” His raspy voice calls as you get to your feet. Your mouth drops open, Naruto’s appearance a total surprise.

“Naruto-kun? I didn’t know you were coming back today!” You giggle, closing the short distance to give him a hug. He holds his arms open for you with a blush on his features. Sasuke wants to throw up. 

“Yeah I kinda wanted to surprise everyone! Your hair looks great by the way, you look pretty great.” He says smoothly, pinching a few strands of your hair in his fingers. 

“Oh–well, thank you…” You tuck your cheek to your shoulder, embarrassed that Sasuke was listening to all this. “You’ve gotten so tall! I trust Jiraiya-sama taught you a lot?”

The blond nods eagerly. “Oh yeah, koibito! I’m back to keep you safe and get Sasuke back!” He says, features coming together determinedly, an arm slung around your shoulders. The crow caws in protest, making you chuckle. 

Koibito? Why would Naruto call her that after so many years apart? Surely he didn’t feel like she was that close to him, Sasuke wonders angrily to himself. Maybe Naruto had noticed how beautiful you were the whole time and wasn’t afraid to make it known. 

“Who says I need anyone to protect me?” You ask, arching a brow at him, but it applied to Sasuke as well. “I’ve been training this whole time too, I’m a powerful kunoichi!”

Naruto smirks, looking at you with a renewed sense of determination.”Wanna bet? I’ll take you right now!” 

You tilt your head to the side, sorry Sasuke. You can’t turn this one down, you wanted to see how much he had grown and if you were strong enough to keep up. 

Sasuke watched as his two closest comrades sparred, every action being countered accurately. Sasuke was impressed with your speed and tenacity, the way you used your talents was much different than him. You were aggressive, but it was fun. Naruto was on the defensive for quite some time, not able to fool your sharingan with shadow clones. Sasuke didn’t care for it much when the fight went to the ground, his rival hovering over your body. He would peck his eyes out if he could. 

But it was just the opening you needed, activating your delayed sense and leaf substitution consecutively. Naruto fell abruptly when your body turned to leaves beneath him. He springs back to his feet, searching for where you would reappear. But you rematerialize right behind him as if you had been there the entire time. You turn and smirk at Sasuke, pointing a kunai to Naruto’s back. 

When Naruto feels the kunai, he gasps. He hold his hands up, “You got me! But what the hell was that?”

You giggle. If you giggle at Naruto one more time, he may just go ahead and attack the leaf before he kills Itachi. “You just haven’t faced my sharingan abilities! It was genjutsu.”

“And you punch harder than Sakura! You’re amazing, Y/N-chan.”

“Thank you Naruto, your fighting has certainly come along. I’m sure Kakashi will be excited to see your progress.” You smile softly. 

As if you had reminded him, he jumps slightly. “Oh yeah, I gotta go see Granny Tsunade! Maybe Kakashi-Sensei will be there! See you later Y/N-chan!”

You wave goodbye to the boy, turning back to Sasuke’s dissatisfied crow. “Oh don’t look at me like that, mister. I’m the Last Uchiha Princess after all!” 

You’re not sure if crows can roll their eyes, but maybe Sasuke’s chakra beast can. It certainly looks like it anyway. “You two basically made out in front of me.”

“It’s nowhere near like that, don’t be jealous.” You pout, fixing the purple headband once more. It strikes Sasuke then that you wear it as a reminder of him. It almost made him forget your taunts. 

“I don’t even know what it feels like to be jealous, and I certainly wouldn’t get jealous over you.” He asserts, his voice corrupted with annoyance. You can tell he’s lying. 

“Oh good, so I guess now's a good time to tell you I can’t make tomorrow’s session.”

“What? Why?”

“My date with Shikamaru.” You tease, throwing out the first name you can think of. 

“You would choose that bag of slime over me?” He growls, disgusted by the idea of you in the hands of anyone else. No one could ever understand you like he does. 

“You’ve never asked me on a date.” You giggle, knowing just how to press his buttons. 

“I’ll take you on a date when I see you again.” He huffs, shutting down your giggling fit. He was satisfied with the blush on your cheeks and the way your lips parted with surprise. He knew just how to shut you up. 

A few months later, you walk into the forests to ‘train’ as per usual. You expect his crow to be there waiting for you, but it isn’t. You search for it with your sharingan, refusing to believe Sasuke would stand you up. You hoped he was alright, nerves getting the better of you as you slid your back down the trunk of your meeting tree. The ground stops your momentum when you sit. You resign yourself to wait, just hoping he would show up to ease your fear if nothing else. 

Within the next hour, his crow materializes on your knee. “You’re late.” You smile softly, reaching out your finger to pet the bird. You wonder if Sasuke can feel the touches, and what it feels like for him. 

The air is different, you realize. He’s not clinging to his only happy emotion right now, he’s consumed with grief and darkness. “What happened?”

“Itachi is dead.” He announces, but it clearly brought him no relief. You can tell there’s more to this story, so you arch your brow and wait for him to continue. “It was all a lie. All of it. He showed me the truth.” He said with a tragic fondness in his voice. 

  “Wait, a lie? He killed them all, I saw the blood on him.”

“That part is true. The 3rd Hokage and some other pigs I’m going to kill arranged it. Our clan was about to revolt against the Hokage, they had been treating us like an infection. My dad was leading it…they made Itachi kill them all. He told them he would spare me, but he couldn’t expect them to spare you as well.”

“I don’t get it, we were kids, why wouldn’t they allow it?”

Sasuke’s answer reminds you of what Kakashi delicately explained to Tsunade that day your identity was revealed. 

“Because the two of us can revive our clan and keep our kekkei genkai strong by not diluting it with other clan blood. Given Itachi and Shisui’s relationship, it’s natural that they expected us to be close and maybe marry later in life and rebuild.” 

You open your mouth to express your feelings, but close it quickly when you realize you don’t know exactly how you feel. You suppose the logic makes sense, and if the entire village was at stake you understand why Itachi made the decision he did, to prevent the 4th Great Ninja War. Yet still, is that what Itachi designed? “Well that’s a silly thing to be worried about.” 

“Is it? You feel the affinity we have for one another. I think they are right. Itachi placed you with Kakashi for safekeeping, he felt he owed that to Shisui. He never killed him, Shisui also tried to stop this but it didn’t work, Danzo Shimura attacked him and stole his right eye..he gave the other to Itachi and then..”Sasuke pauses, taking a shaky breath through his already shaky tone. He wanted to pick his words carefully, to best comfort you when he could not physically be there. “He threw himself into the river, activating Itachi’s Mangekyo. Itachi loved Shisui, and it hurt him to take the blame for his death. He felt horrible, letting you believe that.”

He watched you take it all in, your eyebrows furrowed together as you analyzed everything that you heard. Finally, you make a choking sob sound, making Sasuke frown. “B-but he wanted you to kill me! For your Mangekyo!”

Sasuke flashes his new eye for you. “Hearing all this, seeing it from his brain…it was enough to awaken.” He explains quickly, watching as tears fall from your eyes. “He needed us to hate him, it made it easier that way..he needed me to grow up alone so that I could pursue this journey of truth. But now, now that I’ve learned the truth I’ll make sure anyone involved in this is dead, and then I’m coming for the leaf!”

You blink several times, soaking in the reality he just presented. Your tears are quiet but ever flowing, and Sasuke wishes more than anything to be there, to hold you when he told you this, to take you with him on his journey. But he couldn’t, you would probably seek Naruto or your teammate Kiba’s comfort, and the picture of that made his stomach feel like he swallowed fire. 

“Attack the leaf? Sasuke! If what you said is true, then Itachi did all of this for the leaf!” You say once the latter half of his declaration soaks in. “I’m in the leaf, what, you’re gonna let your emotions take over you again and kill me anyway?” 

He grimaces, he shouldn’t have mentioned that part of his plan to you yet. “I could never hurt you, Y/N-chan. You are my koibito.” He asserts, yearning to reach out a hand and wipe away your tears. He always hated to see you cry, and his childhood self would wipe your tears every time.

“Killing my friends would still hurt.” You state, blinking away any trace of emotion.

“I’ll think about it. Y/N-chan, please don’t treat me like this.” He asks quietly, noticing your guarded apprehension that was caused by his promise to destroy your home. 

“If this is who you are, then I’m going to treat you like it. Kill those involved and no one else, this village as it stands now didn’t do anything to us.” 

“Alright.” He relents, and you know you’ve made some distance with him. He called you koibito earlier, a sign of his true affection for you, a thought that makes you smile. 

“Koibito, eh? Sakura-chan will be heartbroken.” You hum innocently, dying to see him again. He can see you, but you had no idea how he had grown since he left. 

He chuckles softly. He honestly could not care what Sakura thought, but you’ve always been more thoughtful. “She’ll move on.” 

Tsunade tried. She tried to make sure Naruto was ready, she tried to send out her most powerful teams to stop the damage. That’s what you tell yourself as you jump tree-top to tree-top on your way back to Konoha. You had a sinking feeling in your gut when you left for the Sand a week prior, but you didn’t know it would lead to this. You could see the destruction for miles, and all you could hope for is Naruto to make it back soon. You were definitely powerful, but no match for this Akatsuki member alone. 

When you make it to the scene, all you can see is injured shinobi and confused, fearful faces. Ahead, you see a massive light, Kakashi’s chidori blade, you thought to yourself as you bounded that way, tuning out the protests of your classmates and higher ranked shinobi. 

When you get to him, there’s two bodies. One you can identify as Pain himself, the other looking just as mutilated and powerful. Kakashi fights, by himself, against these two powerful villains. You couldn’t have that. You were smart enough not to call him dad here in the battle scene, knowing it would only make both of you easier targets. You jump into the fight, capitalizing on the element of surprise. You weave signs to grow your plants, but they’re easily crushed by Pain’s pushing jutsu.

“All their eyes are connected, Y/N!” Kakashi calls out, and you return a nod. 

A look of recognition flashes across Pain’s face. “Y/N Uchiha…what an honor.” As Pain throws an attack your way, Choji and his father appear to help. 

The fight continued, your jutsu being rendered useless, if you could just get one under a genjutsu…but no, they were expecting that, younger sister of Shisui, prodigy of Kakashi. 

You find yourself throwing fireballs and wishing Naruto would just show up already. Pain’s Almighty Push traps you and Kakashi under a pile of destroyed building rubble. Kakashi breathlessly begs Choji to get back to Tsunade and report Pain’s abilities, staring at the man with his Sharingan. Pain holds a nail between his fingers, the metal tool gleaming in the sun. 

Kakashi tries, kamuing the first nail away. “Y/N..you have to get out of here..I don’t care what you see. Get out of this village. I love you very much, you have given me something I didn’t know I needed, child.” He says, your eyes immediately pooling up with tears. This sounded an awful lot like a goodbye, and there was no part of you that could leave him to die. 

“Kakash–” You blink rapidly, the tears dropping in fat pools in the dirt. You could only move one arm, the rest of your body swallowed by dirt and debris, but you reached for him. If this was the last time, you could risk it now. “I love you too, Dad, that’s why you gotta keep going! I know you’re tired, but please!”

“Kakashi of the Sharingan,..Y/N Uchiha. Green Goddess of the Leaf, both of you shall know Pain.”

The nail was flung from his fingers like Kakashi was a magnet. The sound it made when it killed him was the same sound your heart made as it shattered. Kakashi’s head flopped forward, and with the change in chakra evident immediately–you knew he was gone. You scream out, kicking and screaming against the rock caging you in. The sound you make is horrible, even the other group of shinobi hears you wailing. You feel a new wave of chakra, using it to turn on your eyes, you know what you’ve done. Your Mangekyo Sharingan. 

Shisui’s Kotoamatsukami was so powerful, you hoped your own ability was somewhat close. In fact, you gamble your life on it. You should be able to enter Pain’s thoughts, and from there, control them so subtly he never knew he was being controlled. You point a finger at him, feeling your control seeping into his mind. You smile, knowing you would avenge Kakashi. 

“You will know complete devastation.” You challenge, resigning control of your own body in favor of controlling his. You realize you can’t influence his thoughts, but you can control his movements. You use this ability to dig yourself out, looking through this murderer's eyes, you see your eyes staring back. The rage that you see almost makes you fear yourself. You slide back into your own consciousness as more shinobi show up on the scene, Pain choosing to engage them first. 

Naruto will be here soon, you think to yourself, staring at the forest ahead of you. Kakashi was once the only reason you stayed in the village, and he was the very thing begging you to leave. You have officially lost everything. People have schemed against you your entire life, giving you nothing but heartache and an immense appetite to square away your depression. Your feet move themselves into the treeline, numbly trusting that Naruto would save the day. 

Or not, you can’t find yourself caring anymore. The Leaf was home because that’s where your people were, but now that they were all dead, friends and teachers alike, you didn’t care what happened to that place. 

Your only thoughts were Kakashi, and what he meant to you, his last words. He wants me to go find him, you say to yourself. And then your mind shifted to your newfound ability, this baby kotoamatsukami that could be harnessed, and the only person who could help you do that. 

“I’ll be there soon, Sasuke.”

---------------------

tags: @cococola-cocaine @hinari27

[greenerteacups]

do you have any thoughts on luna and harry as a potential couple post-canon? i was reading your post on harry/ginny and i really loved your perspective on it, especially when you said your vision for harry post war was basically just lots and lots of big dogs (i LOVE that mental image and i agree it would be SO good for him!!) but i was wondering if you'd consider luna and harry to be a good match for each other? personally i have a sort of soft spot for the pairing because of how fond harry is of her in canon, and i think if anyone was going to understand and be unfazed by all the difficult trauma responses and long healing process he's going to be dealing with for years after the war, luna seems like a good fit :)

My love for Harry as a character is kind of unusual to me, considering I go pearl-diving for ships when I read things, and I fall in love with dynamics as a conduit to falling in love with characters. That said, I don't really ship him with anybody. I just genuinely adore That Weird Little Dude. Same with Ron; I'm just as pleased to see them with a range of people, because (A) I believe they're good partners and can have great relationships with many people (Ron Weasley get behind me they could never make me hate you Ron Weasley), but also (B) I don't see either of their canon relationships as Definitive. Some characters I ship together because I sincerely believe they are (non-deterministic) soulmates, in that they bring out parts of each other that make them the freshest, happiest, most interesting versions of themselves. With other characters, I'll look at a couple and go: "Huh. Could work!" and smack my giant rubber [APPROVED] stamp on it, then get back to work on my blorbos.

Luna and Harry are one of those couples for me. As I mentioned in that other post, I think Harry's primary requirement in a partner is someone who can treat him normally, i.e. will be generally chill about the Became Wizard Jesus Twice situation. Which is a big ask. Luna is uniquely capable of doing that because Luna is not normal at all, and so treats all things, extraordinary and ordinary both, as uniformly dazzling and delightful. I believe this is why Harry enjoys her so much in their friendship, because he gets to feel valued and treasured without feeling unusual or othered — a hard line to toe, and one even Ron and Hermione occasionally trip up on. He seems to like hanging out with her a great deal, and I think it says something sweet that he asks her to the Slug Club party instead of any of the girls in Gryffindor from his year, whom he'd ostensibly know better.

Luna is a bit of a cipher to me, I admit. We know she's the daughter of an eccentric and probably traumatized single father, raised without a mother; deeply lonely, because of how she's been ostracized for her beliefs and hobbies, and the victim of some degree of bullying for it; and yet full of a passionate, almost effortless wonder and joie de vivre. She's also intensely loving (cf. painting her friends' faces on her bedroom ceiling) and very hard to embarrass. She likes Harry for understandable reasons; they share most of those qualities (Harry's more sensitive to others' opinions, understandably so), and the only point where they diverge is their actual hobbies and interests. Harry seems pretty fond of her nonsense, and I bet she could sell him on crumple-horned snorkacks given some time — maybe if Hermione took a vacation to Switzerland and left them alone together.

In general, what I find sweet about the idea of these two is they're so chill. These are two people whose chief ambition is to hang out, enjoy their hobbies, and see some cool magical shit. Date night is so fucking easy for these two. Plus, Harry is a hothead a lot of the time, and Luna just... vibes. Literally never bothered. Insane levels of not fussed at all times. Very helpful for Harry, who has a bad tendency to bottle up his feelings and then blow up at the first person to sneeze at him. Conversely, I'd hope that Harry would age into the kind of genial, confident dude who would be able to rock up with a function where people were talking shit about Luna and be like :) My wife? You mean my wise and beautiful wife? Surely you are not talking about my wise and beautiful wife. :) instead of doing what he'd do from age 15-17, which is get mad and stomp around sulking. Which, again: teenager. Orphan. Non-stop trauma gauntlet from age 2-18. Excuses are made. But still. Would think it best if Luna's husband were not perhaps so keenly sensitive to gossip, for Luna's sake.

Anyway, these are just some dissembled thoughts. There's also something in there about Harry, boy under the staircase, falling in love with the magical world and ending up the Most Magical person, i.e., the person who took believing in magic to such an extreme that she imagines magic that doesn't exist yet. And Luna ends up with the one person who's inarguably stranger than she is.

[hughiecampbelle]

hey!! i saw ships were open and i wanted to request one. i go by she/her pronouns and preferably a male ship. other than that i have no preference. if you don’t want to do it that’s totally okay, but if you do thank you in advance. :)

currently i’m in college currently majoring in government. i’m still not completely sure what i want to do but i am considering political consulting or political journalism, eventually i do want to take a few years off to have kids though. looks wise im 5’1 with dark brown hair, dark brown eye, and pale skin. my mom used to call me snow white when i was younger, if that puts it into perspective. i’m an enfp. as for personality i’m talkative, smart, kind, motional, and loyal. i’d say my loyalty is my best trait, i will never turn my back on someone i care about and i’m always willing to help them. yet, i’m not patient, i try to be but its just so hard. also, i hate when people underestimate me. it is so fun to prove people wrong and show them how smart i actually am. i would say one of my more annoying traits is that i walk around the house singing most of the time. most of the clothes i wear are like brand names that i try to find on sale because i like them but i don’t have a lot of money. i love to spend time with people i care about and i hate to be alone. yet, i don’t need to interact with someone at all times, being in the same room is enough. my free time is mostly spent watching tv shows, i really like comedies, or playing video games, like calm farming sims. i typically date people that are opposite of me, more logical and serious. i wouldn’t say i need a lot of reassurance but it is nice when the person i’m dating calls me pretty or smart. some dreams of mine include going to greece because i love the architecture and having a family one day because i would love to be a mom.

Hi my love! I ship you with: A-Train!!! He loves your looks. Reggie definitely jokingly and affectionately calls you Snow White. He loves to ask if the birds and woodland creatures are going to help you do your course work or clean up. You roll your eyes, though you can't help but smile. He also loves your loyalty. Being in The Seven for so long, watching and realizing how unstable relationships and alliances are, it's hard to believe anyone is loyal these days, let alone would be loyal to him. He has a lot of fears that the people he loves and that matter the most to him are going to leave him. They'll figure out he thinks he's a bad person and come to that same conclusion. Being with you lessens hose anxieties though he has a lot fears. You love how he's changed. A-Train had a lot of issues when you met. Over time, he's become a better, kinder, more caring person. He wants to be the hero he's been pretending to be. He wants to protect you and his brother and nephews. He wants to show that he's still capable of being a hero, being worthy of The Seven. He wasn't always willing to show this side of him. It wasn't welcomed or valued in an environment like The Seven. He was doing a lot of bad things and hurting so many people in the process. With your help and a lot of self reflection, he's working to be better. He's working to make up for all that's happened in the past. Your relationship is complicated. Despite loving and caring for one another deeply, Reggie is still involved with The Seven, he's still involved with Homelander and The Deep and Firecracker. When you are together he's dressed in civilian clothes and tries to hide his identity as much as possible. As far as anyone knows at Vought you're just a friends, if they even know you exist. He really wants to keep you a secret for your own safety. It complicates things, but the more he tells you about how dangerous Homelander's become, the more you realize this is out of necessity. When you're together you watch TV and play video games and it's actually more relaxing and chill than you'd expect. Your first date is pretty casual. You order takeout and watch TV. Reggie doesn't want to risk getting caught in public just yet considering your relationship is still very new and it would just put a target on your back by Homelander. You've seen his press conferences and interviews, but he's a completely different person in front of you than he is with the cameras. He's sincere and introspective and thoughtful. He laughs easily and is actually pretty funny. He doesn't want to scare you, but he wants to be up front with you from the beginning: being in a relationship with him comes with a lot of baggage and danger. If you want to stop seeing him, for whatever reason, he's more than understanding. But you like him too much to let him go like that and you're more than capable of facing a little danger. Relationship Headcanon: Just like how Reggie wants reassurance, you do, too. This is a big part of your relationship: reassuring one another. Neither of you mind, you both personally know what it's like to be eaten alive by insecurity and worry. He tells you how smart you are a lot, but truthfully he's blown away by your mind. Your area of study is not easy and yet you make it look effortless. He loves reading your papers and hearing your thoughts. He tells you every time he sees you how attractive you are. You get embarrassed, but he means it. You're like a princess. He considers himself lucky just to be in your presence.

Hope you like it my love!!! Xoxoxo💜💜💜

SHIPS ARE CLOSED

[iguessyouregonnamissthepantyraid]

What's Loki's relationship like with each of the other Guardians? Feel free to rant, I can't get enough of them anyway 😆

oh holy shit they finally added a readmore button on mobile 🙌

okay so. going one at a time:

loki and peter's bromance has gotten the most screentime so i don't need to delve super deep into it here, but like, in my head, peter is basically the guardians' tendency to adopt strays all condensed into one person. he's the entire reason they're like this. i've said this before but i never intended for ohtmb to become a full length story, let alone a series, until peter grabbed loki by the arm, looked me in the eye, and said "this is my friend now. no take backs" and he just??? made him a guardian of the galaxy???? meanwhile loki is completely stunned that anyone other than his brother might genuinely want him around. hell, he barely believes that thor does! and peter keeps proving, over and over again, that he likes loki and he wants him to be a part of the team. (it's worth mentioning that between being a thousand years old and the magic powers, peter just thinks loki is so goddamn cool. loki does not know this.) that initial invite -- "i'm not a part of your team" "yeah, but you could be" -- that was the first time anyone other than thor asked him to stick around, it was the first itsy bitsy crack in loki's armor, and that kind of thing sticks with loki for a while. also, as evidenced by the frost giant reveal, peter is the guardian that loki is most likely to turn to first, mostly because he has the excuse of, like, y'know, he's the captain. of course i'd go to him first no it's not because he's my best friend shut up

for gamora, in my universe loki didn't know she was the daughter of thanos until later - she was already taking every excuse she could find to be away from thanos by the time loki fell into his hands, so ohtmb is genuinely the first time he ever sees her. he was a little miffed that she hid that from him, but like, who is he to judge people for keeping secrets? gamora was the second person to invite him to join the guardians, which was the first time he actually started to believe they might mean it, and she was the first person to offer him genuine advice on how to move forward after thanos. loki deeply, deeply respects her. she's definitely the guardian whose opinion he values the most.

i've said this before, but i love to think of nebula and loki's relationship as basically ron swanson's "i once worked with a man for three years and never learned his name. one of the best friends i ever had." they do not talk about their feelings they do not talk about their traumas they barely even TALK except to ocassionally ask if the other one wants to spar, and yet. and yet. they get each other so well. loki's almost on a level with gamora in terms of understanding nebula, and in some ways he even relates to her *more* than gamora does. he will never ever ever say this out loud because he likes keeping his insides on the inside. either way, nebula is the easiest one for him to quietly share space with. they're both bringing that "i can just be in the same room and that counts as hanging out" antisocial cat energy to the table

now, mantis! loki is, like every single other guardian, extremely protective over mantis. she has that sort of childlike innocence that none of the others (except for groot, the actual child) have, despite her having a whole heaping pile of traumas to rival everyone else's. and all of them, loki included, knew her for just a few days before they were like "i guess i have a baby sister now" and they never questioned it. the empathy throws another curveball in there: loki is so unbelievably guarded all the time, and being anywhere near mantis is deeply unsettling at first. no one is allowed to know what he's really feeling! and obviously he learns to trust her eventually, enough that touching her is done with barely a thought anymore, but a part of him also recognizes that it's.... kind of a relief? he's spent so long hiding and lying and keeping his feelings under wraps that it's become a very difficult habit to break, even when he wants to. mantis helps him get around that without actually having to do anything. (she can sense that and is very pleased by it. she likes helping her friends, and it's always a relief for her when her abilities can be used for something good.)

drax is a fantastic exercise in loki shedding some of that high-and-mighty attitude because he's been forced to recognize that someone lacking intelligence (or at least the kind of intelligence he's used to) can still hold a lot of value anyway. drax gently getting information out of that little kid while loki's in the background like ????? was so important to me. he's smart in a way that loki could very easily dismiss, and not too long ago he probably would have, but he doesn't. also, drax was loki's first encounter with genuinely wanting to help someone when it had no benefit for himself, just wanting to save them, and then not being able to. he still feels some kinda way about drax losing his leg. anyway, he and drax get along shockingly easily on a day-to-day basis, mostly because even when loki does bring out the barbs and say something nasty, 99% of the time it goes over drax's head and loki doesn't even have to bother feeling bad about it.

oh, groot. groot groot groot. loki absolutely loves being the fun uncle who's constantly helping this kid break rules. if someone tells groot he's eating too much candy and he's gonna make himself sick, loki will magic some into his room because come on, fuck the system, and besides, if he gets sick, he gets sick! then he'll eat less candy anyway. (he firmly believes he is the only one who does things like this for groot. he is incorrect.) there is also a part of him, a part that he doesn't let himself dwell on, that recognizes that groot is the only one among them all with a lifespan even approaching loki's. again, he doesn't let himself think about that very much, but the thought's... there. he'll address it eventually, maybe.

okay so you know that trope of, like, constantly bickering friends who you swear must hate each other but then the minute shit goes down and they need to work together it's like OH. oh i see. they're exactly the same brand of insane, that's why they're friends. that's loki and rocket. they're always either furious with each other and at each other's throats, or they're in cahoots and everyone else needs to start running. (side note: if loki was around for the gotg3 plot he would have gone the classic survivalist route a la hela, being like "no we CAN'T fight the high evolutionary he's too powerful and we will all die, we'll find some other way to help rocket" right up until he sees what the high evolutionary actually did and then he's just like. hm. okay. i am going to turn all of his internal organs into snakes or die trying. how fast can we get there)

last but certainly not least: loki didn't know what to make of kraglin at first, since they barely interacted outside of loki knocking him out that one time, but he knows that for some reason he's sort of unexpectedly... comfortable? around kraglin? like it's just easy to be around the guy. he doesn't know why, they've barely even spoken to each other. but then one day they got very, very, very drunk together by accident on a foreign planet when they were between missions, and kraglin awkwardly held his hair up while he puked into a trashcan and then he started filling the silence with some dumb stories from when peter was a little kid, and loki had this drunken moment of clarity like "ohhh. he's a big brother. that's why it's easy to be around him" and he absolutely 100% never revisits that thought while sober.

anyway, that's everyone! i love this dumb giant space family! thanks for the ask, this was a fun one to answer, and as you can see i took the "feel free to rant" very literally ;D

[ilikekidsshows]

Hi there. I have a strange question if you have the time/ability to help. I’m really interested in watching The Owl House. I haven’t read your liveblog yet because I haven’t watched the show, but I have seen enough to be spoilt for some things, so I know the cute little red bird friend dies at some stage in what seems like a pretty tragic manner.

I’ve recently discovered that I struggle with beloved animal deaths (like, had a full-on breakdown in the cinema when watching Banshees of Inisherin IYKYK) and I’m worried this death would be too upsetting and ruin the experience overall for me. Knowing that it’s coming means I should be fine, but I’m still really wary about watching the show. So I guess my question is — is the show still worth it? I’m not nearly as sensitive as this makes me sound, but I want this to be a fun experience, not just something that makes me sad.

I know this is a pretty subjective thing I’m asking about and not easy to provide advice on, but I guess I’m just looking for some guidance. While very sad, does the story earn the death and make the sadness feel worth it? Or is it more just a shock to make you feel sad going towards the end of the show? Thank you in advance if you can provide any insight, but I totally get it if this is too weird a question <3

Hey, it's fine. My take is it's always best to ask other fans when it comes to these kinds of particulars of a show, because where else would you find answers to questions like: "How deeply will this emotional moment wound me?"

I don't have your particular attachment to animal companions, so my experience isn't the same as yours would be, but I feel pretty confident in saying that The Owl House definitely earns its drama. The Owl House never does anything for the shock value alone, in fact, a common criticism of the show I've seen is that it's kinda predictable in what will happen, but I'd say that's only so because this show is so incredibly consistent with its theming and setups. It's not about having to play a guessing game over what will happen, but it's about anticipating how the characters will react to what will happen.

As for whether or not the sadness is worth it, frankly, I'd go as far as to say that the show will reward you for feeling sad about Flapjack dying. Like, he doesn't die in vain and he isn't forgotten; the final episode is full of little nods to how important the little guy was.

I'd say the show is still worth watching.

[astertimberwolf]

I've been thinking a lot lately...

Many, many people have unhealthy obsessions with fictional characters, to the point where they idolize them beyond what's reasonable and healthy, mentally speaking...

...but why do they do that? Is it because the source material also depicts said characters with "acceptable" flaws, therefore making them relatable to a degree where idolization is more likely?

I've attracted people with some real damage that were possessed by such obsessions- none of which wanted to be honest about their own desires or struggled to look at themselves in the mirror for one reason or another. The latter doesn't necessarily make them bad, but how they reacted to their insecurities and defects being prodded and poked definitely left a lot to be desired... and they all idolized characters, celebrities, influencers- etc. to an unhealthy degree.

One ex (my ex wife) couldn't admit to herself that she was bisexual and took to lying to my face and cheating. She was obsessed with celebrities.

Another ex (more of a mistake than a real relationship) was obsessed (or still is? Idk tbh) with Weiss Schnee to a degree that's always made me deeply uncomfortable. She threatened to kill herself due to severe abandonment issues when I asked for a break / a night off from talking to her (I was trying to establish a healthy boundary. We all need some 'me' time). The relationship crumbled to pieces after that (not to mention the nightmares I've had about the last messages she sent me before blocking me that time. That shit messes you up when you have a conscience and are prone to being guilt-tripped).

Yet another ex was (moreso) obsessed with the idea of being someone or something they were not, to the point of catfishing me and roping me into another strange relationship.

I forgave the latter two and moved on (the cheating I cannot forgive. It's just a whole other universe of pain and mistrust you cause in a person), as they were far more complex situations than the cut and dry summaries I provided here, but I find myself thinking... Why did they act that way? What do they hope to achieve by obsessing over others or their own fragile self-image?

One could easily lump me in with them because I have a crush on the adult version of a fictional character (Ruby Rose), but at the same time... I don't think about her every day. She doesn't occupy my mind rent-free. I love her, but I respect her without the obsessive part, as if she were a real person. I still read and write Whiterose fanfics, yet I don't make it such a fundamental part of my life that it becomes all I have...

What I noticed in a lot of these people I dated was the desperation- the wanting to fit in and get attention and be loved as hard as possible (attention≠love, for anyone who needs to hear it). They are trapped in a web of their own desires and insecurities... Longing to belong.

I understand that longing. I've experienced it as well, but I have come to terms with how volatile people are. If you depend on others to make you feel good about yourself, you'll NEVER feel good about yourself- because you're constantly looking for approval. It's fucking mental to live that way. It consumes you from within and leaves you with nothing, feeling more alone than ever.

I would love to belong, but I have given up on it. In a world that is so cut-throat, where everyone feels entitled to judge others and air their opinions, even when they don't hold any value / don't add to any conversation, you're better off being on your own and constructing your REAL self-esteem from the dirt... from the ground up.

Feeling like you belong is the last stage of finding the people you belong with, that will always have your back. You can't obtain that by doing others favors, or gifting them stuff- or trying really hard to be liked. You can only attain that sense of belonging once you've accepted how flawed a human being you are and start cherishing the friends who will have you despite all of your damage and inner demons, who stay loyal to you because they get you.

I have found real self-esteem after accepting and moving on from my mistakes. I know the extent of my own damage, how flawed I am- but I also know that I am capable of doing so much better...

...and I have. Small drops in the ocean perhaps, but drops of kindness and change nonetheless. Alleviating other people's pain through my actions, by helping others... I know I can do good, and I will. No matter how others see me, feel about me, or think of me because of my past mistakes (that stemmed from ignorance and autistic social ineptitude).

I do have a bad side to me, a demon I occasionally still wrestle with, but I've accepted its existence too. It's nothing more than my shadow now... and I sure as f**k won't let my shadow eat me whole. I need to learn to love myself with it, knowing it will always be there.

Learning to view yourself with a critical eye and accepting the hurt that comes with your defects and insecurities is a fundamental part of life. No form of escapism, of wishing you were someone else- or wishing you could date some imaginary fictional character, will ever grant you the peace you are looking for.

My stubborness might be a double-edged sword, but it allowed me to confront the worst of my pain, trauma, mistakes and flaws... and heal from them. I feel reborn, forged through the fires of hell, filled with a new purpose: to help people still roaming blindly in the dark find their way.

I'm not an angel, nor a saint. I'm just another demon who wants to do some good... do better, be better. Life is too short to waste it away feeling sorry for yourself, or trying to compensate for any holes and inner wounds you carry within you. Learn to kiss your own scars, to see in colors- see the good in people who you didn't think could be that way... and let go of people who are unable to change for the better. We all write our own life story. We all define our own purpose in life... and we all have to face our own karma head on, sooner or later.

Remember to love yourself while the storm rattles you and destroys everything you've ever held dear.

Start over. Rebuild with a stronger foundation. Be the best person you can be... and never look back.

This is how you defeat The Apathy.

[magicalink]

NSFW Alphabet: Scaramouche

Notes: Headcanons for Scaramouche in my fic "Y/N's Wonderful adventure in Teyvat" xf!reader. This takes place before Scara gets Ei's gnosis and goes missing.

Warning: Smut under cut!

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Will leave the mess alone and sleep through the whole night, but he always gets up before you to clean it up and hide all the proof of your forbidden affair.

There's no more aftercare than a rough kiss and a seductive 'goodbye' if you did it in a random place and he has to disappear to go back to his shady blueberry Fatui shenanigans.

If you did it on a bed and you have the chance to stay or sleep together, he will get really teasing and annoying, asking mockingly how it was, saying that you were so needy for him, etc. Will do anything to pull proof that you are crazy for him out of your mouth, he really needs it to feed his ego and convince himself you’re the one losing your mind for him and not the other way around. You have to put a boob in his mouth to get him to shut up and sleep. (Is this even aftercare???)

You like sleeping with him, snuggling into his chest makes your heart warm and throb hard all night long. He has never experienced this and is starting to like it.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Is aware that everyone thinks he is handsome and takes advantage of it. –being people who don't know him the ones he can fool, since everyone who knows him fears him and that's the tool he uses to control people the most–.

 Isn't particularly interested in his own body. He proclaims it to be perfect, divinely created, though. But he never forgot the fact that Ei still deemed him not enough. He is focused on proving her wrong. But since he discovered that you are captivated by his voice and eyes he's been curious about them. What's the spell behind them?

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

About your body, he definitely has an obsession with your boobs. Some kind of fetish, maybe? You are begging in foyr different languages that he doesn't have some kind of Edipic complex.

He is always all over your breasts. If his hands aren't there, definitely his mouth will. Loves touching and sucking. Not that it bothers you, honestly, since it feels good. It's also a good tool to put him to sleep like a baby.

Loves cumming inside of you and would like it if you let him do it all over you, since he enjoys marking you with his smell just to piss Xiao off and make him jealous because guess what, he is starting to get jealous too! Don't tell anybody!

His biggest desire is that you swallowed his cum. He's not consciously aware of it yet, but it is because it would finally make him feel accepted and loved. Probably has to do with his many traumas regarding how he was abandoned. And probably that's why he also feels like... accepted and received when you not only let him enter, but also cum inside your pussy. Makes him feel something he never felt before. His cum is light and translucent, and doesn't smell or taste bad so...will you do it at some point?

D = Dirty secret (pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Is slowly growing a soft spot for you. Is starting to like it when you call him nicknames like "Scara". Will only let you use them.

It's no secret that the Sixth Harbinger is possessive as fuck. 

He knew from the beginning that you had other men, and is determined to make you forget about all of them. He wants you only for himself. Wants you to give your back to all of your values, friends, lovers, your brother, and Teyvat for him. Wants you to join the Fatui and conquer the world with him. 

A dirty proposal is being gestated in the back of his mind…

He will never tell you, but he still can't believe that one night he was careless enough to fall deeply asleep by your side. It was the best night of his life.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

You are convinced that you were his first time for how touch and love-starved the mf is. He denies it and if it's true he will never admit it. Also it's hard to tell because he is very skilled at what he does!

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Mating press, covering your face with his chest or simply face to face, looking you straight in the eye. Surrounding you. Being the only thing you can see, smell, and feel, just the way you like it.

This is also your favorite position since you just sit back, relax and enjoy while he does all the work to please you. It makes him think he is in control and you don't have to lift a finger. You have an agitated life full of fighting and other physical efforts, after all, so you want sex to be a joyful break from all that hustle. It fulfills both your biggest desires so it’s the perfect position for you two!

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

You both live to compete to see who's the cockiest, teasing and trying to make the other flustered. You are always trying to prove that the other is the one who fell in love and is jealous. This makes you quite the couple since you laugh and bond a lot while paving the way to get touchy.

Scara wants to order you around like he does with everyone else and loves how untamable you are with him.

H = Hair (how well-groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

His thin silky perfect hair must be the softest thing in Teyvat. One of his many beauties. He always keeps it well cut and combed and it smells like flowers.

Scaramouche is a very clean man. He bathes daily and always wears clean clothes. Always keeps the blood of his victims away from himself. Also, his body hair is as well-groomed as the hair on his head. He hates being around filthy and smelly humans!

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

When you started banging him, you first thought that he just wanted information. Then got convinced he just wanted some hookups to appease his thirst. But he's been appearing at your camp way too often, no matter which island you were stopping on during your journey through Inazuma. And he has never kicked you out when you got to sneak into his lairs. So this has turned into some kind of actual relationship, sustained over time?

What kind of relationship? You would call it an "affair" since no one can know about this dirty secret.

Nevertheless, being intimate is not something Scaramouche is good at. Quite the opposite, frankly, since his life marked by abandonment has made him a ruthless man quite unable to trust others. He never uncovers his secrets to you, no matter how you try to convince him.

Having heard stories of what a monster he is, you were very surprised by how delicate and seductive he is with you. His inebriating kisses are so intense that you could even say he is romantic sometimes. But he does his best to act cold and mean so you don’t get the wrong idea.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Masturbation? What a waste of time! A Harbinger has too much work to be wasting it away like that! 

If he's that needy, he can always cross the entire Inazuman Archipelago to track you down and seduce you… He is convinced that you can't reject him! Is that true??

But if he was trapped in his office and his head was burnt out from paperwork he could use some help from his hands...and imagine it's you under his desk making him feel better...

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Has a huge fetish around power honestly. The whole thing makes him hard as a rock. Although his life is a pursuit of power and loves to subdue people, how you refuse to obey him arouses the hell out of him.

Loves both seeing how firm and decided you are, and how you melt like ice cream in his hands when he seduces you.

To top up this contradiction, one time you slapped him and that gave him a huge boner. Wants to provoke you to do it again, he is just scheming about how to do it without you running away from him.

Loves cumming on you and inside of you not only because it makes him feel you belong to him, but also –unconsciously– because you receiving the most disgusting of him makes him feel like you like and accept him fully; something he never experienced. His dream is for you to swallow his cum or spit.

Is really possessive and likes to mark you. Little bites, hickeys, the smell of his cum on you for Xiao to know he is tearing you away from him.

Using his electro powers to stimulate you. As he can use it to cause pain, he can also use it to cause pleasure. Absolutely loves how you enjoy and become a mess when he zaps you and you shake in his arms because of the tickles, and how you babble when he gives you sweet discharges on your clit.

Talking about electro, you learned from him how to create ropes with it. He has come to like to use them to suspend you in the air and tie your legs so that they stay up and you fuck in the most comfortable position ever. You love it because it's another way for you to sit back and not make the slightest effort. Also, they are warm and give you the sweetest tingling sensation.

Orgasm denial. Nothing makes him feel you are his more than hearing you beg him to make you cum the way only he can make you.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Since you both have to travel, you never do it in the same place so he doesn't have a favorite. Although he thoroughly enjoys having a clean and comfortable bed to do it, he loves hiding with you in the woods or in odd places to do it. It lets him know that you are desperate for him. Especially that night when he convinced you to do it in the middle of the public space…Knowing that you are thirsty for him fuels her insanity.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

We've already talked about this. Power, power, power. He dreams of you surrendering your life to him and being able to walk you with a leash for everyone to see.

Playing ego games with you, seducing one another, teasing, getting you flustered, seeing you desire him.

The little damn yukata Ayaka gifted you. It's his weak spot. He thinks it makes you look absolutely gorgeous, like a true Inazuman beauty. Just seeing you wearing it tightens his pants and causes him to want to untie your bow to expose your boobs and lift your skirt to fuck you blind.

Talking about boobs, boobs make him hella hungry, and sucking them calms down the neverending stress he always seems to carry around.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn-offs)

He won't kill you until the day of it being inevitable comes, and will do everything to convince you to join him so that he doesn't have to kill you.

Wants to push you to the edge and to own you, but he is aware that if he crosses your boundaries you’ll run away from him. So he plans his moves carefully and does his best effort to control himself and avoid scaring you away. He's determined to have you wrapped around his finger.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

He loves receiving it and gets really high with it. His biggest dream is for you to let him get his dick deep into your throat. Would love to grab your hair and push your head down if you wouldn't bite his dick off if he tried. His wettest dream is to cum deep in your mouth and you swallowing everything down with a thirsty smile.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

He is unexpectedly good at giving it. Out of all the guys you've fucked, he's the king of oral sex honestly.  It seems like eating pussy is second nature for him. His second-best talent after manipulating the electro element and being a jerk to people. Is capable of making you cum only with his mouth, something you never experienced before. Having him lick your pussy like it was sweet with a defiant smile on his face, keeping straight eye contact like always, makes your legs melt. There’s nothing better than having him eat you out and stimulate your whole vulva with electro until you lose your mind. 

 His thrusts are always furious, fast and rough and you fucking love that. He shakes your body to the core with his wild force and electroshocks.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Always up for it, anywhere you want it. But it's never short or quick. It always ends up being a long session with him, round after round. Loves teasing you in an inappropriate place only for you to beg him to fuck you in the middle of an alley…

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Loves experimenting, that way he came up with the electro ropes to adjust you into comfortable positions. That way he discovers new sensitive and soft spots in your body, and he is convinced this is a way to break you and tame you to need him.

He is very cautious, though. He knows that one step beyond your limits will make you run away forever and that would ruin his plan.

He never takes the risk of the Fatui discovering your affair. He makes sure no one inside the organization sees you. 

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Another supernatural being that could last forever if he wanted, not giving a shit about human weaknesses like a refractory period.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Doesn't have any. Thinks it's just a way mortals have to entertain themselves for not having such a good sexual performance as him.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Merciless. Will tease you and edge you until you beg for him to make you his.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Low in volume but his pleasure sighs and grunts are very stimulating, as you get drunk off his voice. Knowing he is enjoying as much as to let you know gets you more aroused. 

He likes to make you moan. He is sure you are crazy for how he makes you feel and wants you to show it. Does his best to pull as many pleasure sounds from you as he can, even if it means he has to zap you with electro for it.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

In the beginning, he hated that you called him Scara. But now, don't you dare stop doing it if you don't want some punishment! Will die before admitting it, but he adores the silly nicknames you give him. Scara is his favorite. Gets hard as a rock when you call him 'Mr. Harbinger' or 'Mighty Sixth', even despite the fact that you do it sarcastically. His biggest dream is for you to finally address him as 'My Lord'. Even if it's sarcastically. Just do it, pretty please!

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

He's slender honestly but not as skinny as Venti. Has somewhat of a built form but not as much muscle as Xiao has. His skin is soft and pale, it looks so perfect around his neck, shoulders, and chest, your favorite places to kiss him. His body is surprisingly covered in old scars.

His dick is average, around 14 cm long, and maintains the same thickness throughout the whole length. Probably the prettiest dick you've ever seen, with its soft skin and its cute pink tip. Practically begs to be sucked and kissed.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Well, Scara is indeed a mystery. You don't know much about him and he does his best for it to remain like that. But judging by how frequently he crosses the entire Archipelago to go inspect your panties, you would say he has quite the libido. 

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterward)

Scara doesn't trust anyone and you're no exception. He never thought he would take the risk of sleeping with you. But now he's addicted. He always makes sure you fall asleep first, though. And he's a light sleeper. He's always on guard to defend himself from anything. 

As I previously said, only one time he got so tired and relaxed that he completely passed out in your arms. It was the best night of his life. He got up in the middle of the night and was unable to sit up because he had your arms wrapped around his neck. At first, he got terrified because he thought he was trapped. When he realized what was happening, he simply couldn't believe he had let his guard down. He meditated if he should just kill you at that very moment, when you were most vulnerable. But after a long time of observing you, he decided to enjoy the beautiful sensation and went back to sleep in your delicious embrace.

Thank you for reading up to here!

Do you share any of these headcanons?

Which one of them would you like to read a whole scene of?

[devildomdisaster]

hi! if this is ok could i request something similar to the thing about mammon being mc’s first choice but with leviathan? like how would they react if mc always spends time with him and he’s generally just always their first choice? love ur writing btw❤️

Thank you, Anon!

Leviathan is Mc's first choice

Lucifer:

Lucifer is glad you are so important to his brothers. Truly he is. He thinks it’s great that you can give Levi the confidence boost he so dearly needed. Still though, his pride is hurt. Lucifer wants his family to be happy more than almost anything else so he’ll get over his hurt pride for his brother’s sake. Give him time though, it is not easy to overcome his sin. You seem to truly like Leviathan for who he is, always standing up for him and putting an end to his self-deprecation. Lucifer experiences a different kind of pride as he watches you encourage Levi to value himself. “Mc! I thought we talked about not running in the halls.” “Sorry Lucifer!” you waved a DVD case “I got this new anime and there’s no way Levi has it yet so-” You’re bouncing excitedly, clearly eager to bolt to Levi’s room. “Thank you Mc,” he says sincerely, grateful that you care so deeply for Leviathan. “Hmm? For what?” “That will be all, Mc” Lucifer waves you off. You shrug and continue to Levi’s room.

Mammon:

Really, you’re going to choose Levi over him? Does being your first mean nothing? Mammon acts really arrogant about it. The fact that you chose Levi as your main man is a hit to his pride. Everyone knows Mammon has poorly hidden feelings for you but despite these feelings, Mammon is happy for his little brother. He can be content being a friend, even if he does come in second. Although Mammon will still try to rope you into his schemes in an attempt to steal some of your attention from Levi. Mammon hasn’t seen Levi this happy in years and it’s nice to see Levi actively participating in the real world as well as in the 2D world.

Levi:

Um, what? Mc, he doesn’t understand. At all. Why would you choose him? It’s pretty clear that all of his brothers love you, so why would you choose him when you could have any of them? Levi is so awkward at first. Stuttering and blushing at the smallest praise or physical contact from you. Despite his initial reactions, he is so happy to be your favorite. Having you run to him for help or affection or anything else gives him a warm fuzzy feeling inside that rivals the feeling he gets when he gets even the rarest Ruri chan merchandise. He loves you so much. But it’s a strange feeling knowing his brothers envy him for a change. Levi likes to show you off because of this, just a little bit. But he also likes to pull you away from his brothers and spend some time alone with you. Especially if you are in an affectionate mood. It’s just too much for him to handle sometimes and despite still being a blushing mess in his room he is more able to accept your attention when there is no one to judge him.

Satan:

For Satan, the fact that Levi is your favorite is a two-sided coin. On one hand, he did- does like you. He can’t deny that he wants your attention, something about you just makes him feel… But on the other hand, Satan can clearly see that your interests match up with Levi’s far more than his. So it makes complete sense that he would be your favorite. Besides, seeing Levi’s face when you run straight for him is both heartwarming and hilarious. Levi’s face does this half-frightened he won't catch you, half in love expression when you launch yourself into his arms and Satan finds that expression priceless. He truly is happy for Levi even though he is jealous at times.

Asmo:

Levi? “But Mc, I’m clearly the obvious choice. I mean look at me!” As Asmo watches you beeline to Levi when you’ve got news or when you need protection, he feels like maybe it’s ok that you didn’t choose him. But when you would rather spend time watching anime or gaming with Levi than go shopping or clubbing with him Asmo is legitimately confused. “Mc, you’re too beautiful to be sitting in a dark room where no one can see you, wouldn’t you rather let me show you off?” It’s not that Asmo doesn’t value Levi or isn’t happy for him, it’s just that he doesn’t understand the appeal of Levi’s interests. Besides, Asmo can get very jealous when he sees how genuine your feelings for Levi are. He wants that too!

Beel:

Beel is so happy for Levi. It is so cute to see you duck behind Levi when you're scared or curl up on his lap during movie nights. Beel is the one to go to if you ever need advice for anything concerning Levi. He’s got his jealousy completely under control (for the most part) because honestly, he finds your relationship with Levi completely adorable. Beel definitely quietly ships the two of you. I can see Beel as someone who is happy to be able to spend any time with you at all. Even though the others might complain about Levi being your first choice, Beel knows that doesn’t mean you don’t value being friends with him. It’s just that your feelings and comfort level with Levi are different.

Belphie:

Anger, then acceptance. Belphie is angry at first because Levi has also put you in danger when he lost control of his anger. So why couldn’t you forgive him and choose him? Why Levi? Mostly he is angry at himself because you not choosing him makes sense to him. As he works through this feeling Belphie is prone to avoiding situations where he can see how clearly Levi is your first choice. Belphie outwardly comes to terms with the situation fairly quickly, it might take a few extra days for him to truly accept it. He really does care for you and for Levi. He is happy for his brother, especially once he sees how happy Levi is. It’s good to see Levi invested in the well-being of something that isn’t 2D. And seeing you happily skip to Levi’s room to share some tidbit of good news or proudly show off a RAD report card makes him smile in spite of himself.

[calpalirwin]

I Think I Like You

Summary: Bucky falls for his best friend’s sister

A/N: I told y’all I wasn’t ready to let them go yet

Word Count: 5k

And away, and away we go!

__

1936

The ache in my knuckles was starting to occupy more and more of my attention as I followed Steve into the apartment complex. “So, this is home, huh?” I asked, flexing out my hands.

“Something like that,” he quipped, digging around in his pocket to produce a key, before letting us into one of the apartments.

I was about to ask what he meant by that, but stepping into the home quickly answered the question for me. There was something… acutely feminine about the place. It was tidy, much tidier than my own apartment down the block. Magazines were neatly stacked on the coffee table. In the kitchen, the counters were wiped down. And on the dining table, a vase of flowers. All subtle signs of the home containing a woman’s touch. “Oh?” I said suggestively, taking a seat on the couch.

Steve just rolled his eyes, as he sat down next to me, sighing deeply as he sunk back in the soft cushions. I looked over at him with a smirk. Alright, if he wanted to keep his secrets, he could, I decided. I also wondered if I looked half as bad as he did. His lip was split, and he was already beginning to bruise along the right side of his face. I looked down at my own hands, flexing them again. No doubt they’d bruise too. But that was about the extent of my own injuries compared to my friend.

The door clicked open behind us, and both of us swiveled our heads to look at the woman walking in, a bag of groceries in her hand, and a bag slung over her shoulder with papers all but spilling out of it. She was smartly dressed in a crisp blouse tucked into a black skirt that hugged her small frame tightly. She toed off her heels, blonde curls falling to obscure her face from my view. She didn’t seem to acknowledge my presence as she walked over to the couch, pressing a soft kiss to Steve’s cheek, her face pinching into a frown when he winced. “Oh, Steven, what did you do now?” she asked, moving to set the bag of groceries on the kitchen counter, her tone suggesting that she was used to seeing the man this way. She didn’t appear to care for an answer either, as she turned out of the kitchen and disappeared down the hallway, returning a few moments later with a small first-aid kit. Only then did she acknowledge my presence, blue eyes sweeping over me with slight disdain. “Bringing your fights home now, huh?” she asked, tongue clicking in her cheek, as she grabbed his face, examining the damage carefully.

“We were on the same side,” he replied bluntly, sitting still for her while she cleaned up his face.

Her gaze flickered back to me, her tongue clicking again. “For being on the same side, it looks like he got out better than you did.”

“He’s a better fighter,” Steve explained with a shrug.

“And who is he exactly?”

“James Barnes, ma’am,” I told her politely. “Pleased to meet you. Wasn’t aware Steve here had a lady.”

Steve gave a bark of a scoff, “She’s not a lady.”

Her own eyes rolled. “What he meant to say was that I’m his sister. And I’m no ma’am either. It’s ‘miss,’ Mr. Barnes.”

“My apologies, miss.” I bit back my smirk. Not Steve’s lady, and not a ma’am only worked more in my favor. “And would you happen to have a name to accompany your title?”

“That would depend on who’s asking.”

“That would be me.”

“Then, that information would be classified, James.”

I chuckled, definitely toeing a fine line of getting in way over my head, and not caring the slightest bit. “Well, then, I suppose it’s only polite to ask if you prefer ‘sweetheart’ or ‘doll’ then.”

“From you? I’d prefer neither.” She flashed me a sweet smile, releasing Steve’s face, and snapping the first-aid kit shut. Then, she was on her feet, going back into the kitchen, and returning with two ice packs. “Might wanna ice your face and hands there, sluggers,” she said, tossing one to Steve, and the other to me. “It’ll help with the swelling.”

“You didn’t tell me you had a sister, let alone one that was a nurse, and we’ve been friends for how long now?” I questioned Steve, letting the ice pack rest across my knuckles.

“2 years. And she’s not a nurse. Just a nuisance,” he quipped, leaning his head back and placing his ice pack against his face.

“You’re the one who comes in here all bloody and bruised. So who’s the real nuisance here, dear brother?” she retorted.

“That would still be you, by a long shot. I fight bullies. You just like to fight.”

“No, I command respect. Feeble-minded men only view that as liking to fight. And you?” she asked, turning her attention to me. “Steve fights bullies. I fight for respect. What do you fight for, Mr. Barnes?”

“I fight to protect those I care about.”

“Mmm, how noble,” she said, clearly not impressed with my answer.

“And half a lie,” Steve snorted. “Go on, Buck. Tell her what you do at school.”

“Buck?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“A nickname,” I brushed past. “And I’m on the wrestling team. So, sure, one could make the argument that I have fighting in my DNA. But as I’ve said, I use the advantage I have in fighting to protect those I care about.”

“Mmm, well maybe next time care a little quicker about my brother, yes?”

“With all due respect, miss, your brother has a tendency of getting himself into fights before I’m around to help get him out of them.”

“Yes, I suppose that’s true… Steve, do me a favor, and put up those groceries would you?”

He pulled the ice pack off his face to squint over at her. “Yeah, I’ll get right on that.”

She rolled her eyes. “What’s the point of you being home if you’re not going to be useful?”

He grumbled, but got to his feet to do as she asked anyway. “So, how’s Mother?” he asked her.

“Still dying,” was the answer. “And still asking why you don’t visit.”

Steve sighed. “It’s not that I don’t want to visit,” he started.

His sister held up her hand, cutting him off, “I know. Watching her die isn’t exactly pleasant. And she knows you’re busy with school, and stopping by her to help me. Nobody blames you, Steve. But she’s getting worse, so I’d make time if you can. Sooner rather than later. But not too soon. Wait until your face heals a bit. James, has my brother offered you anything to eat or drink? Or is he as bad a host as he is a fighter?”

“We were barely home a minute before you came bursting in, and started chastising us,” he told her.

She ignored his excuse. “James, can I get you anything? A glass of water?”

“A glass of water would be lovely, thank you,” I smiled at her.

“So, safe to assume you’re a friend of Steve’s from college,” she continued to make conversation with me as she filled a glass with water, then came to join me on the couch while Steve finished with the groceries. “Do you prefer to be called James? Or whatever it was he called you? Buck?”

“James. Buck. Bucky,” I shrugged. “Either works. I’m not that picky.”

“Why Buck?”

“Middle name’s Buchanan.”

“Oh, a middle name after a president, just like Steve.”

“Y/N,” Steve said in a warning. “Don’t you have studying to do?”

“Don’t you have a fight to get into?”

“Y/N?” I asked with a slight smile, liking how her name sounded on my tongue.

She glowered at Steve, not liking that he’d given her the one edge she had over me. “Yes,” she said begrudgingly.

“Pretty.”

Over the course of my afternoon spent in the apartment, I learned a great deal about the girl with the pretty name. For one, she wasn’t just Steve’s sister, but actually his twin, and she hated how adamant he was about the fact that he was still technically older. And the chip in her shoulder was just as justified as the one in her brother’s. They had a rough go of it after their father had passed a few years prior, and with the economic situation being what it was, and their mother falling ill herself it was crazy to me that they still had their education as a priority. But as someone who valued education myself, it was a trait I greatly admired.

The longer the afternoon dragged on, the more I liked her, and the more she seemed to warm up to me. Although I was uncertain if she was warming up to me because she was as equally infatuated with me as I was with her, or if it was strictly a means of stirring annoyance in her brother. Either way, I had her attention, and I wasn’t complaining.

And when the evening did draw to a close, while I wasn’t brave enough to ask her out directly, I was brave enough to suggest my interest in her.

“Bucky, can I ask something of you?” she asked, pulling the front door shut behind her to allow for a brief moment of privacy between us.

“Of course,” I asked, trying not to take too much glee in how she said my name.

“Well, I suppose it’s not really a question. But more of a request to take what I said about caring about my brother quicker seriously. He has a strong tendency, as I’m sure you’ve witnessed, of doing what he thinks is right, without stopping to think about the consequences. And he doesn’t have the… erm…” heat colored her cheeks as she fought to find the right words, “physique like you do to defend himself, despite his best intentions. So if you could be a bit quicker with that ‘I protect those I care about’ bit you were mentioning earlier, I’d greatly appreciate it.”

Did she just admit she found me attractive? “That would require me to be around your brother a lot more, you know that, right?”

“It’s a good thing you two are friends then, isn’t it?”

“Oh, I meant that it would mean I would probably be around more if I were to do that. Which I can do, no problem. Steve’s a great friend. But I would hate for my presence to ever make you uncomfortable.”

“Why would your presence make me feel uncomfortable?”

“Well, you didn’t seem all that keen on me. And if I’m being honest, I still can’t really figure out what your opinion of me is. I’m hoping it’s favorable.”

“In my defense, I came home to find my brother with a bloody face, and you with bruised knuckles. All the same, I do apologize if my original assumption made me come across as cold. Because it’s become clear to me that my brother holds you in a high regard as his friend, and I’ve never known Steve to be a bad judge of character.”

“Well, if being around Steve more for the sake of getting him out of fights quicker means I can see more of you, consider your request granted. G’night, Y/N.”

“G’night, Bucky.”

~~~

“So my sister, huh?” Steve asked when I saw him a few days later.

“What about her?” I asked, playing dumb.

“You’re smitten with her, aren’t you?”

I sighed, opting for honesty rather than something that would be an obvious lie. “Do I find her to be beautiful and charming? Yes. But would I go so far as to say I’m smitten with her? We barely know each other.”

“But you want to know her?”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” was all he said.

“You’re not mad at me, are you?”

“Why would I be mad at you?”

“You’re my best friend, and she’s your sister.”

“You’re both adults. And it’s Y/N. She’d go out with you just to spite me if I was stupid enough to warn her away from you. Which I have no reason to do anyway.”

“So if I did want to ask her out, I’d have your blessing?”

“I wouldn’t go that far, Buck. I’m simply saying I wouldn’t be mad about it. But if you do ask her out, which I don’t recommend doing anytime soon because she has a lot on her plate as is, she likes roses and dancing.

~~~

I was there when their mother passed away a few months later. I sat with them in the kitchen while they tearfully planned a funeral, offering to make the necessary phone calls that left their own words choked and stuck. And I stood between them when they buried her, one hand resting firmly on Steve’s shoulder, the other hanging limply at my side, fingers begging to stretch out and pull her hand into mine. 

When Steve excused himself to talk with the minister, Y/N sighed deeply next to me. “He’s all I got left,” she murmured with sad finality. “I mean, we always used to joke that it was just me and him. And I knew this would happen eventually. But… I’m not ready for it. I’m not ready for Steve to be the only family I have left.”

“He’s not,” I told her. “You have me, too.”

She blinked up at me. “I do?”

Heat colored my cheeks, and I rubbed at hand at the back of my neck as my nerves kicked in. “Y-yeah. I mean, I’m friends with Steve. I have no interest in ending that friendship. So you can count on me to be around if that’s something you want to count on.”

“Steve, yes. So a relationship with each other via proxy? Seems like quite the investment on your end.”

“Well, I’d hardly say our relationship with each other is strictly via proxy of your brother. I like to think we’ve become at least friendly with each other, if not friends directly.”

“And is that what you would like? A friendship?”

I hesitated. There was no way of answering her without condemning myself one way or another. If I said yes, then that’s all I would ever be to her. But if I answered no, I risked losing her before I had her. Either by her thinking I was insulting her by not wanting a friendship, or scaring her off if she interpreted what I said as being too forward too soon. “I’ve told you that I protect those I care about. Which means if you need me, for anything, I’ll be there.”

“And do you care for me simply because I’m your friend’s sister? Or do you care for me because you genuinely care for me?”

“You’re a smart girl, Y/N. Surely you can answer that for yourself.”

~~~

1937

“Steve,” I groaned as he dragged me through the streets of Brooklyn towards his place with a grin on his face. “I told you I didn’t want to do anything for my birthday.”

“I know. And that’s what I told Y/N, but you know she doesn’t listen to me.”

I groaned louder. “What did she do?”

“It’s just cake,” he promised. “So even by Y/N’s terms, this is very tame. But, you have to act surprised because she’ll kill me if she knows I told you.”

“Alright, alright,” I relented with a laugh.

“Close your eyes,” he said as we bounded up the stairs to the apartment.

“Is that part necessary?” I asked, closing my eyes anyway and letting him push me inside.

“Surprise!” both him and Y/N yelled, and I opened my eyes to see a small banner hanging up on the wall with the words “Happy Birthday,” sprawled across it, and a small cake waiting on the kitchen table. “We know it’s not much,” she went on, “but we wanted to do something.”

“Thank you,” I said gratefully. “But you didn’t have to.”

“I know we didn’t have to. But we wanted to. Turning twenty is something special, Bucky.”

“Well again, thank you,” I told her as I took a seat at the table, noticing a small parcel wrapped neatly. “What’s this?”

Her eyes went wide. “That,” she said, snatching it off the table, and hiding it behind her back, “is for later.”

This time, it was Steve who groaned. “Y/N, we agreed on no presents. Now I look like an ass.”

“This is what makes you look like an ass?” she questioned.

“Ha-ha,” he deadpanned humorlessly. “You’re hilarious.”

“Okay, this you really didn’t have to do,” I told her with a chuckle.

“Bucky? Shut up, and make a wish.” With that, she grabbed a small lighter, lighting the candles on the cake.

While she and Steve sang “Happy Birthday” I thought about what wish I wanted to make, no matter how silly the notion seemed. But my mind couldn’t think of anything to wish for. I already had everything I wanted. So ultimately, I decided to wish for things to stay the same as I blew out the candles with a huff of breath.

“Okay,” she said, setting the small parcel in front of me, after we’d eaten the cake and Steve excused himself. “Now, you can have this.”

Carefully I tore at the paper, revealing a hardcover book, the words “The Hobbit” etched across the front cover. “Wow,” I breathed, running my fingers across the cover.

“The lady at the bookstore said it was popular. But if you end up not liking it… Well, I kept the receipt, so we can return it for something you would like,” she offered as explanation, a soft embarrassed mumble

We. “No,” I said quickly. “No, I love it. This is great, thank you,” I smiled at her.

“Happy Birthday, Bucky,” she smiled back. “And uh, if you don’t mind, when you’re finished with it, I’d like to borrow it. Didn’t have enough to buy two copies.”

“Or,” I suggested, a thought coming to me, “we could read it together.”

She tilted her head to the side in confusion. “How would we do that exactly?”

“I could read it to you. We could… make an afternoon of it. Or a few afternoons of it.”

“That sounds suspiciously like you’re proposing a date.”

“And if I was?”

“I think I’d like that.”

I grinned. “How’s Saturday, then?”

~~~

“This is going to sound stupid,” Y/N interjected when I paused in my reading.

“What’s going to sound stupid?” I asked, looking at her over the top of the book. She looked cute, resting on her stomach, her elbows propped up as she cradled her chin in her hands. Her hair blew softly with the light spring breeze, and her eyes held a dreamy look to them. Okay, she looked way more than just cute. 

“I like the way you read,” she said. “Your voice… it’s nice in general. But there’s a certain flow to how you read. Your voice does this thing where it rises and falls with what you’re reading. It’s… animated. Very engaging.”

“Well, I can easily say that’s the first time someone ever complimented my voice,” I said with a chuckle.

Her cheeks turned pink. “I told you it was going to sound stupid.”

I tucked a scrap of paper in the book, marking our spot before setting it aside. “It’s not stupid. It’s a nice compliment. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Her eyes flickered from me to the book. “Are we done for the day?”

“No, I can keep reading if you want me to,” I said, picking up the book and opening it.

She smiled up at me, and then, in a move I wasn’t expecting, she rolled over onto her back and then shifted her body perpendicular to mine, resting her head on my outstretched leg. I stiffened at the sudden intimacy of the contact. “Is this okay?” she asked.

“Y-yeah,” I choked out with a cough, forcing myself to relax. “Yeah, it’s, uh, fine.”

She gave a small giggle. “You know, you’re pretty cute when you get shy, Bucky.”

“You’re pretty cute all of the time,” I mumbled back.

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

“I said you’re pretty cute all of the time,” I said again, this time without mumbling, but glad I had the book in my hand to block my face from her view.

Her hand gently pulled mine down, the book closing once more. “Bucky, if I ask you something, do you promise to be honest with me?”

“Course,” I nodded.

“Do you like me? Romantically that is.”

I swallowed thickly, nodding. “And if you want the whole truth, it’s the ‘I’m falling in love with you’ kind of like. And that terrifies me.”

“Why does that terrify you?”

“Because it means I have more to lose.”

She let out a soft “oh,” as she pushed herself to sit upwards, a timid hand stroking up the length of my arm. “You’ll never lose me, Bucky.”

Try as I might, I couldn’t hold back. I shifted to lean towards her, my hands going to cradle her face. And then my lips were on hers, and it was sweet and powerful. And my thumbs were brushing along her cheek bones as the rest of my fingers bunched up in her hair. And her own hands were looping around my neck, her fingers tugging lightly at my hair. The air came rushing out of my lungs, and I couldn’t breathe but I didn’t dare break the kiss, savoring every sensation. 

There was a sharp intake of air and I wasn’t sure which one of us had done it, because our lips stayed locked, and I had to drop one of my hands to brace myself as the kiss grew hungry and she moved in closer, practically on top of me. I moved the hand that was still holding her face to wrap tightly around her back, needing her more than I’d ever needed anybody else before.

~~~

1939

“Whoa, slow down there, doll,” I chuckled, pulling the glass away from her lips.

“But it tastes like juice!” she told me, her eyes big with excitement.

“I know, but those drinks have a lot more alcohol in them. And if I bring you home drunk, Steve will kill me.”

“He can try,” she scoffed, grabbing the glass from me and taking another big drink. “And neither one of you can get mad at me drinking, because you both do it too,” she half sang.

“Again, your drinks have a lot more alcohol in them than our drinks do. And for another, I’m a lot bigger than you. My body can handle more.”

She set the glass down, scowling over the rim at me. “You’re no fun.”

“I didn’t say you couldn’t have your drink, doll. I’m just asking you to slow down.”

“Well, can you order me another one? This one’s almost empty.”

“Of course,” I said, kissing her forehead before going back over to the bar to get us each another drink. I could feel the eyes of other girls on me as I drummed my fingers across the tabletop of the bar while I waited, but they didn’t bother me. I already had the girl I wanted staring at me like they did, and she did a whole lot more than just stare. When I turned with the drinks, I saw the way other guys in the bar were looking at Y/N back in the booth. Now, that made my skin prickle. So I squared my shoulders and slid in next to her placing a heated and heavy kiss on her cheek, smirking in triumphant as the looks dropped. “A-are you growling?” I asked with another chuckle, becoming aware of the low rumble in her throat.

“I hate the way they stare at you,” she whispered with disdain.

“Jealous?” I teased lightheartedly.

She scoffed into her drink. “Me? Jealous? Please…”

“Good. Because if anyone should be jealous, it’s me. You have the attention of every man in this bar.”

She scoffed more. “Now you’re just being ridiculous.”

“You,” I said, kissing her cheek again. “Are the most beautiful girl in here, and everyone knows it. And I’m the lucky son of a gun that gets to take you home.”

Her eyes went wide, and a grin broke out across her face. “Take me home, Bucky.”

I didn’t need to be told twice.

I held her steady as I let her into my apartment, and she blinked in her surroundings. “This isn’t… Where are we?”

“We’re at my place. Steve would kill me if I brought you home like this.”

“I-” her face flushed. “Bucky, I’ve never…”

“We’re not,” I said softly. “I’m going to help you into bed, and then sleep on the couch.”

“Oh.” It was a simple utterance both of understanding and… was that disappointment that nothing would come of the night besides her safely sleeping her intoxicated state away?

I gave her one of my shirts to sleep in, turning my back to give her privacy, before helping her into bed. “G’night, doll,” I said, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “I’ll be down the hall if you need me.”

“Wait,” she whispered, her hand reaching out to grab me by my shirt. “Can you stay?”

I looked down at her, the blanket pulled up tightly around her. My bed had never looked more inviting. And what was the harm in sleeping? I nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I can stay.” I stepped out of my pants before joining her on the bed, but staying on top of the covers. “G’night, doll,” I whispered, clicking off the light.

“You don’t want to marry me, do you?” she asked me, her voice filled with sorrow.

“What gave you that idea?”

“You can’t even share the covers with me!” was the wailed explanation of despair.

“I-” I sputtered, shocked at whatever had caused this outburst. “C’mere,” I coaxed, lifting up my arm for her to curl into me. “I’m trying to be a gentleman.”

“So you want me?”

“Of course I want you, doll.”

“Then how come you haven’t asked me to marry you?”

“I- You’re the most independent woman I know. I didn’t know you wanted to become a wife.”

“I don’t want to become a wife. I want to become your wife.”

“You’re gonna need to give me time to buy a ring.”

“But you’ll ask?”

“Until I’m blue in the face,” I promised.

“And we can have a house, and kids? Not an obnoxiously big house, but not a tiny one either.”

“We can have a medium-sized house, and fill it with as many kids as you want. And you can teach, and Steve and I can open up a mechanic shop. And every night,” I said, shifting to get under the blankets and pull her closer, “we can fall asleep just like this.”

“I love you, James Buchanan Barnes,” she breathed in content.

“I love you too, Y/N Y/M/N Rogers.”

“It’s Rogers-Barnes.”

~~~

1943

“Why do you keep fiddling with your pockets?” Y/N asked as we walked through Central Park, one of her hands holding mine, the other clutched holding a picnic basket with the flowers I’d bought her poking out the top.

“I’m not,” I lied, feeling the small box drop as I pulled my hand out of my pocket and waved it in her face. “See?”

She narrowed her eyes playfully. “You’re plotting something.”

“If by plotting, you mean enjoying a nice picnic with you, then ya got me. And it’s hardly plotting if you already knew.”

“Mmm,” she hummed, as we came to a stop underneath a large tree by the lake’s edge. “And what are we reading today?” she asked as I busied myself with laying out the blanket for us.

“Steinbeck.”

“Oh, I love him,” she marveled, kneeling on the blanket and pulling out our lunch.

“I know you do.”

With her head resting in my lap, and between bites of sandwich, I read from the small paperback novel. Our lazy Saturday tradition that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I only stopped reading when I heard the soft sigh as she started to doze off like she usually did. “You still with me?” I asked with a small laugh, tracing her cheek with one of my thumbs.

“Mhm,” she murmured like she always did, keeping her eyes closed. “Just thinking.”

I frowned. Her normal answer was “Keep reading.” “What are you thinking about?”

“How much I’m gonna miss this when you’re gone. How much I’m gonna miss you.”

My heart sank as I thought about the draft papers sitting on my kitchen table. “It’s just basic training. Couple weeks and I’ll be back. And I’ll only be in Jersey.”

“Ugh… Jersey…” She opened her eyes to roll them.

“I’ll be so bad at being a soldier, my sergeant will yell at me and ship me back home to you,” I laughed.

“You will do no such thing. You’ll do what you have to at camp, and then you’ll come home to me,” she told me, sitting up. “And then…” Her voice broke off, not wanting to finish the rest. After camp came Europe. And that was more than either of us were willing to think about. Camp. Camp was first. Camp had clear dates we could work with. 3 measly months. And what came after didn’t matter.

“And then,” I said, slowly pulling the box out of my pocket.

“No!” she interrupted, sternly. “James Buchanan Barnes, if you say one damned word about Europe, I will drown you in the lake,” came the threat.

“Y/N!” I laughed. “Can I tell you what happens after I get back from camp, or not?”

“Bucky…” she whined.

“Please? I really think you’re gonna like it.”

“What could I possibly like about what you coming back from camp means?”

“Because it means you’ll be my wife,” I told her, presenting her the box, snapping the top open to reveal a small gold band. “Marry me, doll.”

__

Tag List

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[cowboyjen68]

Hey Jen! I love your content and I really value the work you are putting into the community. :) I don’t know how you were raised, but I come from a very conservative christian household who mostly puts up with my queerness, but despite how they’ve changed for me, the lessons they taught me growing up still stick with me.

I love women, and I really love being a lesbian, but sometimes I just wish I wasn’t gay. I feel like being a lesbian, being butch makes me harder to love. I haven’t had much luck in relationships and every girl I’ve been with has left me for a guy afterward (even if they said they were a lesbian while dating me). It feels like because I’m butch/non-binary I’m “close enough” to experiment with, but not to take seriously. Sometimes even just more than that I can’t shake the feeling of inherent “wrongness” within me because of what I was taught. I have strong, loving lesbians around me and have been out of the closet for years now but still I doubt myself. I was just wondering how you were able to shake those feelings and if you had any advise for me. thank you.

I was raised pretty generically Christian. My dad had not time for religion and mom would rarely go to church. Like once a year or less and normally for only special occasions, My brother is a born again Christian now but growing up he was hippy with a cool conversion van with a pirate ship painted on the side.

If Tumblr had existed when I was in my 20's i might have written almost word for word what you have. My family was ok with me but due to past experiences I knew they had concerns. Some of those concerns were because the world can be harder for lesbians. Some were because I no longer fit into the way I am "supposed" to be. For the most part my family is great but I am aware that they weren't thrilled when I came out (even though they knew I was different). With the exception of my sister who has always been whole heartedly supportive even before I came out of the closet.

Im going to guess you are in your 20's and still in the time of life where dating is encouraged and acceptable. You are expected to be trying to settle down immediately. (Although in lesbian circles there is often pressure to couple off and be done with dating).

I didn't really have a "dating" period in my life. My first girlfriend and I were together 7 years. My second 17 years. Then I dated one FWB briefly before falling deeply in love with the woman I currently love (sadly we are not together but it is because of life circumstances and not lack of passion).

I have often felt like I am doing "woman" wrong because I didn't want to be a man, yet "looked like one" and i knew I was not fitting the expectations of a woman in our culture. I knew that because people pointed it out. "Why don't you like dresses?" or "You should smile, boys will like you better" and my mom was constantly telling me to be less loud because i was not a boy.

As a butch I often feared no other lesbian would find me attractive because lesbians want to date other women and not someone who looks like a man. It really wasn't until my late 20's that I started to address some of my internal misgivings. I had lots of lesbian friends and they introduced me to lesbian culture and to butch as a way to describe my experiences and energy and not has a definition of rules and roles I had to follow.

But it was a slow process to really feel like my masculinity was a good thing, that I was loved for who I am.

My most recent girlfriend was wonderful at showing me that, while my personality was all mine and what she loves about me, my butchness was sexy and attractive and wonderful to her. I could have a tender heart and easy smile and still be butch.

She didn't want a woman that looked like a man. She wanted a butch. A woman. And that makes me forever happy.

I guess what I am saying is, I have been where you are in your head and sometimes when I am alone, tired but can't sleep (like tonight) I feel little inklings of doubt sneak in, what if I am not good enough. Now it has more to do with age, my chaotic life and all that. I know now that is just fatigue, missing my ex and sadness on a dark winter night.

You will get better at knowing you are enough as you are. You will embrace your innate sexuality and way of existing (butch) with more and more confidence as time goes by.

It is hard when there is a pattern of women leaving you, especially for men. Consider this. You are likely a safe and kind person and they are struggling (even if they don't say it). They are using you to get past or figure out something because you are not a danger to them. You make them feel good. This is not your issue, it is theirs. They are taking advantage of you.

Talk to your lesbian friends, even bi women, talk to older woman and I think you will find many of them had the same discouraging thoughts you have. They might not give you answers, and I probably can't either but knowing you are not alone might help you to see there is a light at the end of the very common lesbian tunnel you are in right now.

[gusu-emilu]

I’ve talked with @eldritch-elrics and @qi-ling about Sangchengning several times (thank you for your thoughts) and I think the ship has a lot of potential.

It starts with the parallels. They are each a youngest brother left behind. They each value family yet are left alone for different reasons, “othered” by the world. They each care too much, love too hard, know grief too intimately. They are also some of the few people left who know who Wei Wuxian really is.

They each know anger deeply and feel it deeply, but express it in different ways ranging from NHS’s cold, quiet manipulation to JC’s heated outbursts to WN’s bottled-up resentment. They have each seen the consequences of how their anger has affected the world, with varying degrees of responsibility. They each have complicated relationships with betrayal and consent, sometimes as perpetrators, sometimes as victims (elaborating on this mess would really need its own post). All of these could be possible connecting points between them--opportunities for healing, for making sense of the past, for figuring out where to go from here.

I do think it would be a bit difficult for the ship to actually work out. Personally I think JC’s inferiority complex might get in the way of poly-ness (although I am 100% here for JC getting extra love), there’s the question of who reaches out first when tie-lines feel so frigid and distant and maybe aren’t even visible, and JC and WN have a lot of issues obstructing an amicable relationship between them...but still.

NHS is the link, the starting point. I think he would be looking for someone to connect with post-canon, somewhere he can let down his mask. JC and WN would probably like apologies for their nephews being put in danger and would be suspicious of him, but would also sympathize with him. From there, NHS could make a very good mediator between JC and WN, who are more similar to each other than they realize.

Bonus points for added backstories to deepen the narrative--it’s fair game for any of them to have been childhood friends/lovers during the Cloud Recesses study arc, and NHS and JC could have had some history during the timeskip. If we’re getting creative, WN could also enter the picture during the timeskip (i.e. NHS helps him escape from Jinlintai and keeps him somewhere safe, visits him often and forms a friendship toeing the line of romantic, one day JC discovers him--I cannot express how badly I need fanfic of this concept).

Plus their personalities are just fun to put together! There’s a lot of potential for humor and fluff, too. They can each bring out different types of expressiveness in the other: WN and NHS can bring out the softness in JC, JC can bring out a more vocal side of NHS and WN, NHS can bring out the troll in WN, and JC and WN would both definitely indulge NHS on his whimsy. They each are impulsive in some ways and steady in others. They’d complement each other well.

It would take work for Sangchengning to happen, but the intentionality of forming something new and whole out of broken pieces is all part of the charm :)

[mistressemmedi]

Måneskin: "Different from whom?"

Greetings from Miley Cyrus - phenomenal numbers.

The streams of Zitti e Buoni are growing by the second, and ahead of Muse, on the top of the English charts, twelfth in the Spotify Global Chart. We almost tripled followers after Rotterdam (from 1.4 to 3.3 million, ed). Contagious and universal madness: T-shirts and merchandise sold out in 10 minutes. Like records, tickets for a tour that adds dates and expands on maps. They are even looking for us in festivals where the Rolling Stones have played. - Thomas

After the whole cocaine scandal that was started against us from France, which was later denied by my drug test, in Spain there people have been making murals with my face saying "No drugs". Some tweets made us laugh: «Congratulations, Italy! I have never been so sure that four people have fucked each other ". Miley Cyrus started following us. "You are great". “You are more” . - Damiano

From rags to riches - what a story

It was only 2016, and we were playing in restaurants, on the streets, in via del Corso (famous street in Rome). Damiano without a microphone, Thomas's guitar with broken strings, Ethan drummed on a cajón. At the occupations of the high schools in Rome (Kennedy, Virgilio, Mamiani) we had our first gigs and half an hour of fame, between those who criticized us and those who said "these guys are so cool". One of the rare times in which they offered to pay us to play - 50 euros each - we offered that money to those after us, in exchange for the chance to play during their time slow, as we knew there would have been a bigger crowd. We already understood then how it worked. That visibility was worth more than the money. We still think so ». - Victoria

The intimacy of rock - Choice of a genre

Music allows is this miracle which allows one to talk about very personal and private topics, even difficult and delicate ones. They are and remain deeply yours, but at the same time they become a confession that reaches a wider audience, and in this passage which is like a delivery, they also find their place in you, their elaboration. They are overcome, they are accepted. One moment it feels aggressive, one moment later a (soft) ballad. It's very cathartic. - Damiano

Against panic - The stage as therapy

I have suffered a lot from anxiety and panic attacks, it is a problem that I have worked on thanks to a course of psychotherapy, to my friends and family. Playing has helped me not to let myself be paralyzed by my fears, not to be limited in my private and professional life. I have learned to accept, to live with this side of me. I don't hide it. I no longer feel ashamed. - Victoria

This belief that only crazy people go to the psychologist is widespread ignorance. Nobody is born learned. And it is often difficult to understand why we are here, let alone the derivation and direction of our desires. It is a long and legitimate journey towards one's clarity. - Damiano

Essere fuori di testa – Ma diversi da loro (Be out of your mind - But different from them)

Already feeling a strong passion for something that is not a 'regular' profession but an artistic language, it puts you on a level where you're an anomaly, and while you're neither superior nor inferior to others, it places you in the condition of what breaks the mold but you're also being at a loss, leaving it to you to be bold and to take risks, hoping that they will pay off and land you somewhere. "What good is it if you don't stand out on your own?". You want to give it an aesthetic to your artistic dream, but to others it boils down to " You dress differently! You must be gay! ”, I'm 22 now and it makes me laugh, but at 17 it had an effect on me too. - Damiano

The beauty of being unique - Of believing in that and defending it

After all, we are all different not because we want to be alternative but because really no one is the same. Justice is being judged on what you do and not what you are. Justice is equality, respect, beauty. - Ethan

Fluid sexuality - Pride is freedom

We appreciate heels on men, we kiss each other, we have an open, extended mind, and we are proud of it. The horizons become vast, beyond the oppression of conservative families. With information on the web, knowledge is enriched and with it the possibility that minorities will be fewer and fewer, because majorities will be fewer and fewer. This will lower the volume to insults and bullying. If social networks can reach a village of 50 souls to reveal to someone, who is afraid of the darkness, that someone has felt that same fear.. There is no longer the need to give it a name, to define that "something" to fear, to brand it with labels that only limit you. Definitions have always had this effect on me. Gender should not even be considered in a person's judgment. Let alone orientation ". - Victoria

Sexism - A culture to be dismantled

Emma (Italian singer) dropped the bomb:" When I went to Eurovision, they insulted me over a pair of shorts. Damiano - half naked and in heels - was never criticized ". The judgment against women is constant, ferocious, and demeaning (if I have a lot of sex I'm cool but Vic a whore, where I show myself strong I'm a leader she is domineering and pain in the ass, who is successful because only because of her looks [and not the hard work she puts in]). As a male I am privileged, the harassment I suffer is not comparable to that experienced by a woman, the comments on my aesthetics are focused only on my aesthetics and do not insinuate anything about my professionalism and my competence, while women are victims of this kind of thinking in a systemic way. But I did find myself in a situation, out of nowhere, with someone who, pulling close to her for a selfie, started licking my face ... "What do you want, did you ask me?" Consent exists, and it is a must ». - Damiano

To grow as a person - The only rule to follow

For me, to conform is the total opposite of educating oneself, and the asphyxiation of one's expression (of freedom). Fortunately, I did not suffer heavy bullying, to the point where I felt I needed to change to adapt to how others saw me. But the matrix of who I am and the aggression that marks me is the same. If I'm a kid who dances and loves dolls, then allow me the freedom to do so. I used to be a kid who wanted long hair and played with Barbies. My friends, as a teenager, looked my long hair and teased me: "You have to find yourself a girl with a short hair to make up for it". My grandparents took the dolls away from me and said: “Stop it, they're not for you” ». - Ethan

“I was six and I already could not tolerate the distinctions between masculine and feminine. I've always had strong ideas about how I wanted to be. I refused things typically defined as feminine as a child, and they made fun of me for skating, for playing soccer, for not wearing skirts, for giving myself the chance to be as I wanted to be. I suffered a little, as I was bullied, but I had courage to stay true to myself, and today thanks to that courage I know that I could have been much more hurt, or I would have risked leaving the most important decision to others: the one about being just me". - Victoria

Love - music and girlfriends

I've been married to music for the past 20 years. I cannot wait to celebrate our golden wedding anniversary. - Ethan

Everyone goes through their own experiences, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, but it's never other people's business." - Thomas

When, for the first time, I developed feelings and attraction for a girl it was a bit disorienting because I had never had the courage to go beyond the limitations I had imposed on myself. For society, being heterosexual is the norm and therefore often one automatically pegs himself in that way, giving up the freedom to experience many different shades and facets of love. Once I got over the initial insecurity of having to question one's own certainties, I lived my sexuality in a very natural and free way, as it should be for everyone. - Victoria

I had paparazzi under my house morning and night. So, after four years of relationship, I finally revealed her name. I still have the paparazzi under my house morning and night, but at least I don't have to hide anything anymore. - Damiano

The value of the group - Protecting each other

But the real relationship, the real family, is between us. Our band. We believed in it from the first day, even before calling ourselves Måneskin (moonlight in Danish), even before Ethan drew a giant moon, on the poster for our first concert. We share everything, even the pain of the tragedy of Seid Visin, who committed suicide at 20 because he was a victim of racism. Being a group is what we should all do together: stay united and not retreat in the slightest in the face of abuses generated by a distorted vision of someone "being different|. - Thomas

Non ho l’età – like Gigliola (It references Gigliola Cinquetti who won both Sanremo and Eurovision with her song "Non ho l’età" which translates to Not old enough)

Before us, the only one to win Sanremo and Eurovision together was Gigliola Cinquetti (in 1964). Is there is something for which I feel I am not yet old enough for? No, honestly no. Maybe for kids. I'll be honest, I'm not enough to be a dad. - Damiano

Reached the sky - What fears still remain

We are more than in the dream, we have conquered the dream. To fly high this high, there is the risk is to fall and get hurt, but we will try not to end up like Icarus, who burns his wings with the sun. Everything is in our hands. And this - somewhat presumptuously - reassures us rather than frighten us ". - Damiano

(ORIGINAL INTERVIEW IN ITALIAN)

[Please note that I have changed some words or structure sentence, trying to make it so that the interview made more sense lol - I skipped the first two paragraphs, which was basically the interviewer gushing over how pretty the band is lmao (relatable).

Any mistakes in the translation are sorely mine, nothing was proofread, so apologies in advance]

[orange-plum]

So I was commissioned by @andrastesassets to write about the scene in “Satan and Me” where Satan gives his wings away for Natalie, but from his POV. This was kinda a big turning point as a wake-up call in the series for him, as you’re probably aware if you’ve read past that point and seen him be more open with his feelings and such. Anyway, it was a fun little thing to explore (yes, this is canon thoughts of his). I never expected to be commissioned to explore deeper into a canon of my stories that hasn’t been put into words before with the images alone of the updates, but I’m def open to that in the future!

Without further ado, here you go.

The looming presence behind him paled in comparison to the disorienting lurch his stomach gave as he kneeled on the unwelcoming cement floor. Keeping his gaze down, concentrating on the little tremors of his arms holding him upright, Satan struggled to properly see through the fog of stress clouding his mind. Clouding his judgement.

Fuck, this wasn’t the right thing to do, was it? Was he being too hasty? Should he spring up and sprint out the door before he followed through with something he couldn’t come back from? This was definitely one of his more impulsive and reckless decisions he’d ever committed to. Nothing could truly be worth this kind of –

Satan’s hand twitched, starting to rise as nerves got the best of him, when a blur of orange and maroon hovered on the edge of his peripheral. For a brief moment, he found himself vaguely wondering what the smudge of color was in the expanse of drab brown walls and muted trim. 

Reality came crashing against him like an unforgiving tide for what seemed like the tenth time this morning. Sweat gathered at the base of his neck and he swallowed.

Satan returned his palm flat against the cement, locking his joints and muscles into place so that he would not stand up. His stomach did another discombobulated lurch.

Right. This was for Natalie. Natalie, who had no right looking so gray, Father, she was like a corpse.

She is a corpse! His mind howled the confirmation at him, leaving his breaths shallow in his welling panic.

Yes, that was true. It had been true for hours now, yet, somehow, the complete depth of what that really entailed eluded him in his denial. How could she be dead when she had talked to him only moments ago? Human’s lives had always felt fleeting, but had any ever felt quite this temporary before? 

Less than a year they had been together . . . How had she burrowed this deeply under his skin? When? Satan tried to conjure a memory to pinpoint the exact moment Natalie had become a constant in his life as he bore his back to Death and Pestilence. In the end, it was fruitless. Between his ears remained endless static.

The tension in the air was suffocating. His arms trembled, but he kept his jaw clenched.

He would give them no further satisfaction when taking the last bit of value he still possessed of his former self. They would not see him fall apart at their feet. That could come later, when left in the privacy of this cold, dreary room, where he could lick his wounds and recover in peace.

He was still Lucifer, the Morning Star and omen of destruction to all who opposed him, wings or not.

But, fuck . . . Father, he would prefer to keep his wings.

Somehow, boneless and lightheaded from the trauma of the morning, Satan noticed, with a small sense of intrigue, that his back actually felt heavier now that it was empty. How was that possible? 

The long gashes where the trunks had been swiftly carved open spewed boiling trails of lava down his skin, soaking into the hem of his robe and pooling Great Lakes onto the floor. Energy had left in his limbs the moment the numbing kiss of Death’s blade breached his muscles.

On wobbling legs, Satan rose in his shock and joined Natalie at her side. He carefully reached toward her, gliding the tips of his fingers against her ashen cheek, almost afraid to touch, because she looked exactly the same. What the hell? She looked no different than when she had been splayed out like a weathered ragdoll amongst her bedsheets at sunrise, goddamnit. 

Before he could garner enough strength to turn on his company and spew venom and vitriol from his lips, Satan froze. Warmth wafted over his fingers under her nose as he lowered his hand. Closer inspection revealed the gentle rise and fall of her chest. The nauseating cramping in his stomach abated so suddenly, he almost keeled over right then and there.

“Give it a few minutes,” Death commented over his shoulder, as if reading his mind. There was no longer a smile in his voice, his face a neutral mask as Satan glanced at him with gritted teeth, the sight of his former pride being folded up and collected like loose laundry too much to bear. “It takes a little while for a soul to acclimate into their body after death. I assure you, her color and liveliness will rekindle when she wakes up.”

Through the haze, Satan vaguely realized he must’ve been making some type of suspicious face when Death suddenly snorted and shook his head, his eyes gleaming. “For all we’ve been acquainted, Lucifer, you should know I’m not one to break my word. Give my regards to little Natalie when she rejoins the land of the living, won’t you. As always, it’s been a pleasure. I look forward to seeing you and your brother again when the time comes for your big day.”

With the room empty, peppered only with the soft sounds of Natalie’s breaths and the distant echoes of Death’s laughter down the desolate hallway, the elephant in the room was no longer avoidable. Satan slumped against a wall, transfixed by the rise and fall of the chest beside him. Even more so as the rosiness began to fill Natalie’s cheeks the longer she breathed life into her form.

His previous adrenaline had left him a hollow puppet, now that there was no longer the turbulent cocktail of anxiety and doubt weighing on his shoulders. Satan allowed himself to drift to the floor, lying beside the only person he had ever met who had compelled him to do something so utterly foolish. Jesus, her daredevil stunts to ground him at his lowest points seemed to have rubbed off on him, and likely not for the better.

Satan’s wounds throbbed at the edges, a constant reminder of the magnitude of what he had just done.

Don’t think about it, his mind lethargically reminded. What’s done is done, so don’t start regretting it now.

“Prophecy child, huh . . . ” Satan muttered, his arm leveraged under his head like a makeshift pillow. The light cascading through the windows almost seemed to light up Natalie’s hair in its luminescence. Amongst the carnage splattered around them from his sacrifice, she was ethereal and without blemish.

He had found out about the Child of Prophecy by chance, becoming enraged at the notion of being kept in the dark so late in the game. Natalie’s existence had changed from an everyday annoyance to one of unbearable burden.

She had the power to sway him? To sway his empire and everything he worked for? A being like that, who would steal his autonomy or cast him spellbound, was too dangerous to fraternize with. There was just too much on the line to risk throwing away for some goofy, loud-mouthed human without an ounce of self-preservation.

And so Satan had done the only logical thing he could think of at the time: He ran away, leaving her with that pitiful, crumpled face as he rejected her in that inconsequential Oregon town. The less time he spent with her, the better off he’d be.

Only . . . That had not played out as he’d hoped. Watching Natalie disappear over the side of a bridge had been like a bolt of electricity coursing through his body. That she would see him as the monster that he was, a grotesque monstrosity that even Michael had recoiled from, and attempt to help him, regardless? Well . . . Perhaps there was more to Natalie McAllister than he had originally considered. He’d cradled her close and winced while he repaid her kindness by accidentally boiling her alive.

Oregon was a wake-up call.

Natalie had piqued his curiosity, her smiling reassurance that she didn’t befriend monsters jumpstarting the heart in his chest that he had presumed stopped functioning centuries ago. Not only that, but he had no way of knowing he would soon find out that running toward the very man attacking her and her cowardly little friend, despite the blatant terror in her eyes, was only the tip of the iceberg.

“Oh,” Satan muttered, something foreign flooding into his chest, emotion catching in his throat as he stared at Natalie’s slumbering form.

Silencing Hell for him at the cost of her soul . . . 

Calling him her guardian angel. Crying, not for fear of Hell, but for fear of being separated from his company . . . 

As much as he wanted to deny it, the fondness in Natalie’s eyes as she smiled at him was undoubtedly genuine. She really did seem to look at him like he hung the stars above her head.

“I love you, Lucifer. I’m glad I got to meet someone like you.”

Satan trembled, unable to properly sort through the sensations overflowing from his chest as Natalie’s eyelashes began to flutter. Champagne bubbles tickled his stomach, and though not required to breathe to live, he felt so remarkably breathless at once.

So that’s what this is, Satan distantly thought, watching pale eyelashes finally parting to reveal a cognizant gaze, blinking against the trickle of sunlight warming her cheeks. When meeting Natalie’s eyes, he couldn’t keep the smile of relief from his face.

Satan understood that he had never experienced this before, but he somehow knew what to latch onto in his jumbled mind with unquestionable conviction.

I love her.

[paisley-print]

Near The Water’s Edge:   Chapter Four

After fleeing your abusive husband, you find yourself in the small coastal town of July, North Carolina. Soon you meet Frankie Morales, Air Force Veteran and single dad. As the two of you grow closer, you begin to let go of your past and learn to love again. That is until a strange man shows up in town, and you ’re forced to choose between your safety or the safety of the people that you love.

Inspired by the novel “Safe Haven” written by Nicolas Sparks.

Series Master List

Frankie Morales x Female Reader Rating: 18+ / Heavy adult themes eventual smut. Trigger Warnings: Domestic Abuse, Mentions of death, PTSD, anxiety, mentions of police case, police.  Word Count: 

Note: Another heavy chapter, but things will let lighter as the chapters go on. Enjoy the first half of the beach day. 

Tag List:@qytyy @winter-fox-queen​​​​ @sherala007​​​​@inkededucatednnerdy @quica-quica-quica​​​ @hnt-escape​​​ @giizhkens-cedar​​​@heythere-mel​​​ @toomanystoriessolittletime​​

The ride passed in comfortable silence, the three of you listening to the radio and Lucy looking out the window at the cars in the next lane. All Frankie could think about was how nice it was to have someone else there to spend the day. He knew Lucy must have been feeling the same way, since he hadn’t seen her so excited about a beach trip in a long while. 

He appreciated how patient you were with her; it was something he noticed even on that first day. The way you refused help until you knew she was alright. That moment had stuck with him more than anything else. 

The memory of what Will said earlier surfaced in his mind. He shifted in his seat and glanced at you. Yes, you were beautiful. Strikingly so. A woman who could walk into a room and turn every head in the place; both men and women alike. Of course Frankie had been taken with you. He tried to suppress it, scolding himself whenever he was alone in bed at night and found his thoughts wandering.... 

His only goal right now was to be your friend because he cared for you and knew that you needed help. He wasn’t sure what kind of help, but he sensed that you were alone and at some point in your life something very bad had happened to you. He wouldn’t pry though, he would wait until you were ready to share. 

-

The beach wasn’t too packed; it was still early in the season and  the tourists hadn’t moved into their summer homes yet. The boys had done an oddly efficient job at setting everything up. When Ben and Will got into a little spat about how to sink the umbrella into the sand , Frankie simply rolled his eyes and continued to spray Lucy with sunblock. It made you laugh, they all seemed so comfortable with one another. 

The day was hot and everybody seemed eager to get into the water, everyone except you and Frankie.  You had bought a bathing suit at the store, intending on going in... but somewhere during the car ride you changed your mind. 

“You can go in if you want,” you told Frankie “I don’t mind just watching.”

He shrugged, “I don’t normally go in either.”

Then just like that the two of you were suddenly alone, both woefully unprepared for any sort of conversation.

You thought of something quickly, filling the silence “the marina was packed today.”

“Yeah, It’s always like that on memorial day. Most of the summer too, be prepared for the restaurant to start getting busy.”

“I prefer it that way. It makes the shifts go faster. So I’ve been meaning to ask, what exactly do you do? I assumed you owned the marina?”

He paused for a moment. “Uh, technically I do. It was a wedding gift from my parents. An uncle had died and left it to them. I think they just wanted to get rid of it, but I have an office manager that does all the upfront stuff….. normally I just work on repairs.”

Married. That wasn’t what you were expecting, but still no ring. “Did you go to school for that?”

“Kind of. I had training for planes, but you would be surprised just how similar the two are.” You gave him a look. He glanced at you and laughed sheepishly. “What?”

“I’m sorry, did you say planes?”

“Yeah”

“You fix planes?”

He smiled and crossed his arms, trying to seem much cooler than he actually was. “I fly them too.”

“You fly pl-....do you take constructive criticism?”

He laughed, “Of course.”

“Lead with that next time.”

He looked at you skeptically. “How am I supposed to lead with that, exactly?”

“You say, hi my name is pilot Frankie …..” 

He shook his head, grinning. “Morales,” he informed you. 

“Hi my name is pilot Frankie Morales, nice to meet you.”

He played along, “but how will I know if people actually like me for me, or they just want me to take them for a ride in a plane?”

You shrugged “it's tough being a celebrity, I don’t make the rules.”

“Oh yeah, celebrity, that’s me,” he said sarcastically. 

You kicked at the sand with your foot. “Also I liked you before I knew you had the coolest hobby in the world. So, you know that you can trust me.”

He glanced over at you and immediately noticed your smile. He had seen you smile before, but they would never quite reach your eyes. This one, he could tell, was real. He opened his mouth to speak when, in the distance, a wave crashed and Lucy squealed with laughter. Both of you turned your heads to look.

“Will Lucy be okay out there?” you asked. She had on a life vest and was being supervised in the shallows by the rest of the adults. Santi was holding onto a boogie board Lucy used to keep herself up. 

“Yeah, I know they seem like idiots but they are good men.” Frankie reached into the cooler to grab a bee and popped the cap off with the bottle opener. “Do you want one?”

You shook your head, “No thank you, but I’ll take a water bottle if you have it.” He set his beer down in his cup holder and reached into the cooler again. The bottle was freezing cold when he handed it to you. Perfect for a sunny day.

You wiped the condensation off on your dress. “Can I ask you something? It’s okay if you don’t want to answer.”

“Yeah, sure,” he said, taking a sip of beer. 

“Lucy’s mom is she….? Are you two still….? I don’t mean to pry, I guess I’m just a little confused.”

“You and I both,” he said with a sigh. “I’m married but we are not together anymore, haven’t been for a few years.”

“Oh,” you said simply, not finding any clarification in what he told you. If anything, you had more questions, but you didn’t want to push. Besides, it didn’t matter anyway…. you couldn’t, you were married as well. “Does your family live in the area?”

“Nope, they live up north. Katie never really knew her family. She grew up in the foster system and was bounced around until she enlisted at eighteen. It’s just me and Lulu now, and the guys when they find the time to travel here.”

“I’m sorry,” you said honestly. “It must be hard not having your parents support.”

He shook his head and took another sip. “I expected it, even when I was younger, it seemed as though they were only interested in keeping me alive.” He looked down and started to peel off the sticker on the bottle as he spoke. “They are both doctors, mom is an archaeologist and dad an engineer. He actually helped design parts of the international space station…. I think they valued their careers more than anything else... they still do. The only time they ever came down to see Lucy was right after she was born, aside from that it’s usually a phone call on a holiday and a card with money in the mail.”

Although he tried to play it off as if it were just another part of life, you could see that it still affected him deeply. For a moment you thought about reaching out to take his hand, but you stopped yourself. “It really is their loss, they are missing out on two wonderful people.”

Frankie adjusted the baseball cap on his head, a sheepish little smile playing on his lips at the compliment. “Well, thank you. Lucy and I could say the same thing about you. You’re great with her.”

You glanced back at the little girl. She was smiling happily as Ben pulled her along on the boogie board. “I think little girls need to be protected, but not only that - they need to be seen and heard. She is already so independent and fierce. I can see how you encourage her to be her own person and not fit into any one mold. That’s important for little girls to learn.”

He laughed, “Yeah, she definitely gives me a run for my money, that's for sure. She can already repair an engine better than most men I know.”

A large gust of wind came through and took hold of the multi-colored beach ball beside you. Both you and Frankie sprang from your seats to race after it. The thing was fast, and you could not stop it from crashing into the waves. You noticed just how much cooler it was near the water’s edge. Although the temperature outside was sweltering, the Atlantic still held that winter chill. Both of you stared at the ball as it bobbed up and down with the tide. 

Frankie waved it away with his hand and squinted in the sunlight. “It’s fine, it’ll probably just float down the beach to another family or something.”

You smirked at him “or choke a poor dimwitted sea turtle to death.”

He paused and shot you a pretend glare, then took off his hat, dropped it in the sand and reached for his shirt. 

You giggled “no, no I’m joking. I got it.” You said, starting to strip down to your bathing suit also.

“Well, you gotta be faster than that,” he said, half jogging to the water.

You slipped off your dress easily and ran straight past him into the waves. Frankie was not far behind. You two were pushing against the tide as you reached for the ball. Fingertips just barely brushed against the plastic before it slipped a couple more inches away. This left just enough time for Frankie to swoop in and grab it.

Your stomach hurt from laughing so hard “hey!”

He shrugged, “I’m sorry that I care more about the environment than you.”

You splashed him with water playfully.

-

The two of you swam for another fifteen minutes, chatting about the town and volleying the ball back and forth. Frankie pretended not to see the way the droplets of water clung to your skin and sparkled under the sunlight. When he noticed the little lace pattern on the bottom of your swimsuit, he knew he had been staring for too long and forced himself to look away. The very last thing he wanted to do was scare you away, or make you believe he had some sort of ulterior motives to helping you. 

You both dressed again before walking back up to the chairs. When the two of you returned, the group had already come back from swimming. They were passing around Tupperware full of fruit while Santi was starting up the tiny little grill he had brought. 

“You guys really don’t play around for beach days,” you mentioned to Frankie. 

“I tried to warn you,” he said with a smirk. 

Will had Lucy thrown over his shoulder, carrying her easily with one arm. “Has anyone seen Fry?”

“I’m right here!” Lucy’s little voice drifted out from behind him.

Will started turning, pretending to look for her “Fry! Fry! Where are you!”

Lucy was hardly able to speak through her fit of giggles, “I’m behind you!”

He put her down on the sand, pretending as if he had seen her for the first time. “Jesus Fry! You scared me!”

“Lulu,” Frankie said, “come here so I can put more sunscreen on you.” Frankie took the bottle from the bag and sprayed her again, making sure to get her ears and the tops of her feet as well. He sprayed some in his hands, and Lucy scrunched up her nose as he applied it to her face.

Watching the two of them together made you smile. You were reminded again just how different Frankie was from your husband. David would have felt emasculated by having to take care of a child. If he had attended today, you would be sitting beside him silently the entire time, only getting up to fetch him a beer.

“Do you want some?” Frankie asked, and you were suddenly snapped right back to reality.  

Even though you weren’t threatened by a burn yet, you figured it would be a good idea. “Yeah, thank you.” You offered him your arms, then the front of your legs.

“I used to be terrible with remembering sunblock until I got sun poisoning in Iraq, god never again.”

“Iraq?” you asked, and turned so he could get the backs of your legs.

“Yeah, with the air force” he told you, assuming you already knew. 

Breath hitched in your throat as he brushed your hair over your shoulder. You cringed at the feeling of the warm sunscreen hitting the back of your neck and jerked away. It was enough for the others to notice. You laughed and lied quickly “damn horse flies hurt when they bite. They say you should wash off the bite with soap to get it to stop the swelling. Is there a bathroom here?”

You sounded believable. Becoming an expert liar had been the only thing keeping you alive for so long. 

Frankie felt horrible. He didn’t quite know what he had done to trigger you, but he knew it was something. “It’s pretty far, I can walk with you-”

You shook your head, a wide smile still plastered across your lips. “Nope, I just need a direction.”

Santi jumped in quickly. “That building when we first came in, near the tennis courts.”

You nodded and started forward, tears stinging at the corners of your eyes. Why was this happening right now? You were fine a moment ago and now you felt as though you couldn’t catch your breath. You shivered, remembering the feeling again and putting your hand on the back of your neck to stop it.

A soldier…. it made sense. You were too stupid to have seen it, the nicknames and the holiday...... 

Thankfully, they were single stall restrooms; you pulled the door shut and locked it behind you. The bottom of the floor was disgusting and filled with wet sand. You lifted yourself up onto the counter and sat, trying to calm down. A soldier, a soldier, you kept repeating to yourself. It was too similar. The anger, the potential for violence…. just like your husband. 

You placed your head in your hands, and suddenly you were back in New Jersey. It was a bitter February, snow still on the ground. You were in your bathroom hiding as David raged in the living room and screamed at his coworker on the phone. A little boy had been killed by his father weeks ago. David was assigned to the case. When the trial came, the jury found the man innocent and let him walk free, even though all the evidence pointed to him as the killer. It was an embarrassment to David and the entire homicide unit

“God fucking dammit, y/n! y/n!”

You pulled yourself up on shaking legs, straightened your dress and walked out. David was red in the face waiting for you. “I thought I told you to call Comcast, did I not?”

“They said that they could get someone out here Wednesday because of the snow-”

He took the television remote and threw it at you as hard as he could; he aimed for your face but it hit your shoulder instead. The plastic connected straight with your collarbone. You doubled over in pain, holding it as it throbbed. He stalked up to you and you moved back, the fear evident in your eyes.

His voice was teetering on the edge of lunacy as he screamed at you.

“I give you a simple fucking job to do and you can’t even get it done. You’re a lazy fat fucking bitch.” he shoved you hard but you manged to keep standing. “Spend all day sitting on your fucking ass while I have to go to work for the both of us! I need the television because I need to see the news coverage of the fucking case! You knew this! Or would you like me to get fired and the both of us live on the fucking streets!” He shoved you again, and you fell against the stone fireplace. Your hands came up to shield your face as he picked up the remote and hit you with it repeatedly. It caught your lip, busting it open. 

You didn’t care about the blood, all you could think about was the gun still holstered in his belt. You got the television fixed the next day-

“Summer?” 

You stood quickly and wiped away the tears from your cheeks, pretending like nothing was wrong. “Yeah?”

“Are you alright?” 

It was Frankie. 

You shook your head and smiled in the dingy plastic mirror in front of you. “Yeah, why?”

He could hear that you had been crying. He pushed on the door but it was locked. 

You didn’t like that at all; you slipped off the counter and sat on the floor, against the door. Bracing it closed with your body “I’m fine-”

“You’re crying-”

“No, I’m not I- I get allergies and that horsefly hurt. I am such a baby I’ve always had a low pain tolerance-”

“If it’s something that I did -”

“Nope, it’s nothing that you did. I’m fine, I’m really, really fine I promise. I just got overwhelmed and needed some air. I’ll be back in a few minutes, and you guys can eat without me. Don’t let me hold you up.”

Frankie wasn’t convinced, but he didn’t want to force anything. “Would you like me to save you a plate?”

“Yes, please.”

You could hear his footsteps start to retreat and relaxed a little. 

“Summer?”

“Yeah?”

Frankie was about to say something, but he thought better of it. He figured it was better to let you have your space now.

[hargrove-mayfields]

Day one of the Horror on Cherry Lane Challenge! I’ll be participating this month as a writer! The prompt for today is Knife!

warnings for mentions of suicidal ideation and attempts, death, child abuse, and blood.

Billy met Steve in the psych ward.

Well, they met officially at Tina’s party, but that wasn’t the real Steve. That was the King Steve. Deeper than that though, even the Steve Harrington everyone else saw even after the breakup and the fall from grace still wasn’t the real thing.

That was fake smiles, overdone nonchalance to cover up the wound from his fallen status. Now he was stripped down to himself, all bloody bandages and tired eyes, the boy he was pretending to be finally broken down to reveal this.

Apparently, Ruthie Harrington found her son with his grandfather's switchblade- all the other objects in the house sharper than a spoon and with less sentimental value had already been tossed -bleeding all over her freshly polished linoleum floors. She dropped him off at the hospital a night ago and nobody’s been by to see him since.

Now, it’s by pure coincidence that Billy’s already in on the same day Steve’s admitted.

He’s been locked up the past three days compared to Steve’s one. These small town hicks are jumpier (ha) than he thought, and don’t think doing the walk and turn test on the edge of the quarry after downing a bottle and a half of fireball is as funny as he does. Whatever. Cid would’ve thought that was badass as hell.

So he was admitted, on suicide watch for a stupid joke that wasn’t really worth it, or even really a joke. Max came to visit once. She punched him in the chest as hard as she could and cursed him out for an hour. She’d never done that before. By the time she left they were both in tears, and maybe Billy realized a thing or too about his carelessness. Realized for the first time that someone cared.

But he’s still in here for another week and a half by law, so. He’s not going to mope about it. And while Steve Harrington showing up is about the last thing he’s expecting, he decides that’s at least something he can work with. Definitely brings a little life to the place.

He waits until Steve’s intense watch period is over to bug him, once they’re out of their cramped little rooms for a couple of hours to “socialize” (see, the more sound of mind keep an eye on the other patients while the nurses take their smoke breaks) Billy goes straight to Steve. Him and Harrington are far from friends, but that’s pretty much irrelevant when the only other choices for company are kids younger than them too scared to approach them and people too deep in their midlife crises to bother with teenage drama.

Throwing himself down in the blue plastic chair across from where Steve settled in, Billy kicks his feet up on the table,, “What’s up Harrington? Didn’t expect to see a familiar face in here.”

But Steve, poor Steve, takes one look at Billy with those haunted brown eyes, and his face just falls completely apart. There are tears on his way too pale cheeks before Billy even has a chance to breathe.

The smile drops off of Billy’s face, “Jesus Harrington, I know m’not looking my best surviving on hospital food and cigarettes without a hairbrush, but that’s a little unwarranted.”

“Shut up. Not everything’s about you, Hargrove.”

“Oh I disagree with that. But I get the point. I’ll let ya be.” Billy hums, scooting his chair back and getting up. He stops when Steve starts to speak, “Y-You outta be careful saying that kinda stuff in here.”

“What?”

“That the world revolves around you. They’ll come up with a diagnosis for that and keep you here forever. Drug you ‘til you forget your own name, let alone your status.” Steve tells him with humor, wiping the tears off his face.

Billy nods in understanding, sits back down with an interested smirk, “This ain’t your first time here, is it?”

“Is it yours?”

“Nah. I’ve done some shit on purpose, some on accident. Once it wasn’t even me. But s’never done anything to help so far.”

Steve puffs out a sigh, “Don’t I know it.. I’ve been in and outta this place since I was like, ten. Clearly nothing’s changed.”

“Why? What’s your dirty little secret, Harrington?”

“I cut myself, dumbass.” He deadpans, looking at Billy with a bluntness in his expression that reads more concerning, more like indifference to what he just said than matter-of-fact.

“No shit. But that ain’t the secret.” Billy probes further, can tell he’s getting under that mask Steve wears, “Why do you do it?”

“Legally, I can't tell you. And I don’t think I would anyways.”

“What about if I tell you all about me first? I got no reservations ‘cept the one that got me a bed here.”

“It’s not a hotel, Hargrove.”

“Eh, might as well be. Feels like the damn hotel California.”

“Is that why?”

“Huh? Oh no, I been pullin’ stunts like this long before we left Cali.”

“Like what?”

“Like downing two full bottles of my mother’s meds after she left. Not at the same time obviously, or I wouldn’t be here. Mostly ‘cause my dad didn’t even wanna take me to the hospital either time.” Billy doesn’t look at Steve while he elaborates. Not because he cares, he’s an open book, if a random old woman at the grocery store asked about his last attempt, he’d tell her.

But. He doesn’t like watching people’s faces. Seeing sympathy and concern there. It makes him feel all stupid and guilty. It’s usually not like that with other kids like him, but Steve’s different. He’s got a big heart. Even if there’s no room for himself.

And Billy hurt Steve before. He doesn’t want to see someone he caused pain caring so much about him. He already cracked when Max came to see him. This could be what splits him open, spills out all the things he’s covered up.

So he keeps going, “And like runnin’ out in front of traffic with my friends. They thought we were just playin’ chicken ‘til I stopped dead in front of a station wagon. Metal rims’d done me in for sure if one ‘a the older boys hadn’t pulled me outta the way. Damn near ripped my shirt in half how fast he grabbed me.”

“I’m guessing your parents are the reason why then?”

“Yessir.” Billy deflects, not good at getting deeper into it, “You wanna tell me yours then?”

“I started cutting because Tommy Hagan told me about it. He thought it was freaky, but when he ran his mouth about how they found the neighbor kid in his room, drained of all his blood from his wrists, I wanted to try it. I’ve tried liquor and drugs and all kinds ‘a shit I shouldn’t, but nothin’ stuck like cutting.” Steve pauses for a long time, his eyes going blank, staring right past Billy, “When my mom found out she.. she.. Forget it.”

“Hey, you seen my skeletons. Can’t I see yours?”

“No. I don’t wanna fucking talk about it anymore.” Steve answers, despite his assuredness, his tone wobbling with some unidentifiable emotion.

Talk about mood swings. Billy doesn’t get how nobody would’ve noticed something was up before Steve started carving into himself. Really, he knows someone would have seen it and just ignored it.

It only gets worse though, the reservedness turning to sadness and frustration. None of the words are coming out, but he can tell Steve’s thinking of the stories, reliving all that got him to the here and now. Billy can also tell there’s nothing he can do no to stop him from doomsdaying.

So when Steve is inevitably in the thralls of a panic attack, he tries to hug him tight, to try to get it to stop maybe, that always worked for him at least, but Steve swats him away. Judging from the way he winces, it’s not easy for him to do either, with those thick ass bandages constricting his wrists, but the tears and the pain on his face are buried behind his resolution.

He’s hiding something from Billy.

In hindsight, talking to a new patient about past attempts probably wasn’t his brightest idea anyways, so he switches the subject while Steve works on coming down from his panic attack. He brings up Max and her little nerds, trying to bridge the healthier connections between him and Steve that they’d both been ignoring since the fight. He mentions basketball too, another something they have in common other than trying to kill themselves.

It doesn’t really work, though Steve does stop shaking as bad, just curling up in his little chair and sniffling, pretending not to listen while Billy rambles on and on. But he doesn’t talk. It’s probably better for him not to anyway. Billy himself has been known to say some dumb shit when he’s in distress.

Ultimately, even once the conversation runs out, he stays with Steve until dark. He can tell from the way his gaze sticks to the floor that Steve recovered from his fit a while ago, but he’s embarrassed by having a breakdown in front of him, as if he isn’t in here for the same reason. It helps that he gets it though, and they sit in a comfortable, albeit very prolonged, silence.

Long after Steve gets xanned up and knocked out though, while Billy is still free to wander until the midnight curfew as a low risk patient, he decides to stick with him in his room. Billy’ll never admit it, but he gets nightmares, and he doesn’t want to face that just yet, so with a new friend as an excuse, he’s up half the night watching Steve sleep.

He remembers what happened earlier, how focused Steve was on keeping him away from him, despite his panic, and decides, with a glance at how deeply Steve is sleeping, his greasy hair all strewn about on stiff pillows, that he’s going to figure out what it was.

He snoops around in his bedside drawers, in the bathroom, in the locker in the corner. It’s there he notices the knitted jacket Steve was wearing before, hanging heavy to one side, like there’s something in its pocket. He touches it and feels the outline of something small, so he pulls it out.

He regrets checking though, because it’s a knife. Judging from the old looking engravings on its handle, and the coppery stains within the grooves, it’s specifically the very same one that got Steve hospitalized.

He shoves it in his own back pocket and keeps looking, with a quick glance at Steve, finding a note tucked where the knife had been. Written in perfect scrawl on bond paper that’s been folded a dozen times and stained with tears,

“Do it right next time, why don’t you? Your mother is too soft on you. I’m not paying for this again.

- J.Harrington.”

Billy doesn’t know what to do but throw the note in the trash. Not really in shock, but definitely more than a little fucked up from reading that, he sits on the end of Steve’s bed. His own dad, who'd more than once been the one putting him in the hospital, had never even said anything like that to him.

He didn’t get to talk to Steve much today, but they’ve got as long as Billy’s stuck in here together to fix that. Longer if he just pulls something in front of a nurse. And he wants to, really really wants to.

Because he knows he just met the real Steve, can recognize another broken boy when he sees one, and he knows too, that he never wants to meet a pretty boy like this again.

And if that’s his declaration to get clean, then so fucking be it.

But. He never promised not to hurt anyone. Ultimately he’d still need that outlet.

He keeps the knife. To make sure his pretty boy doesn’t get hurt again.