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shadowgast-recs-weekly · 12 hours ago

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Hidden Gems 9: A Shadowgast Rec list

This week we have the ninth (nein!) hidden gem rec list. Check under the cut for nine (nein again!) fics with less than 150 kudos- and don't forget to kudos and comment if you enjoy them!

On bad decisions, friendship and falling in love by Ivelostmyspectacles (1778, General) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes

An introspection from Essek after he confesses to the Mighty Nien.

Reccer says: This a really well written one shot about how Essek is doing and feeling after he confesses. This is honestly my head canon for post ep. 97

PART I: the force required for movement by LivThael (9449, Mature) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes

Essek Thelyss is know for his exceptional research, cold demeanor and indifference. Being the most intelligent man in the room he‘s seldom intrigued by other researchers. But Bren's presence alone angers something in Essek. It’s like the man is actively trying to aggravate him.

Reccer says: An amazing fic, nerds being nerds.

hopeless enough by 06151126 (4697, Teen) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes, Choose Not to Warn

Essek, a racer, his crew fails him during the season and he goes looking for a new mechanic. Caleb can't help but show off.

Reccer says: It is such an interesting AU, but the vibes are all their. And I love me a little haughty but can't help be impressed and curious Essek and a can't help but show off Caleb. And of course protective and will always talk up her boy Veth. Also, it's part of a series!

The Sheep and the Shadowhand by Dragonslaeyr (7897, Mature) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes

On the walk from the citadel to the firmaments, Caleb reflects on his husband, the shadowhand, and tries to fend of questions from the Mighty Nein.

Reccer says: It has the best of everything, Shadowgast, secret relationship, pestering of the Nein and sexual tension.

psychopomp by hydraxx (3357, General) Reccer's Content Notes: Choose Not to Warn

Essek returns to Blumenthal through the centuries after Caleb's death: a story of grief as told through the eyes of the local innkeepers.

Reccer says: I loved tracking the changes in both Essek and the worldbuilding over time! The outsider POV is a really interesting approach.

Chasing After Phantoms Of Your Former Self by Luuuna03 (9848, General) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes

Around 150 years after the end of the campaign, Essek starts hearing Jester's voice in his head But that's impossible. After all, Jester died almost half a century ago...

Reccer says: A great tearjerker, bittersweet in the best of ways.

Our Season of Fire by LivThael (21530, Mature) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes

Both Caleb and Essek are hoping to get lost in the sunny city of Nicodranas. They find each other, as well as a new family made of friends that care for them.

Reccer says: I keep thinking about this fic, even months after I first read it. I love the characterization and the realistic depiction of mental health issues. It's written in such a gentle and loving way and the ending always warms my heart. It's one of my favorite fics ever.

The night shift by Ghost Particles (Ghostparticles) (27273, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: Choose Not to Warn

The Mighty Nein are agents working for the Dynasty, and Essek is their handler and very much not in love with the agent who keeps bringing him unasked for gifts from every mission. The agent is Caleb of course.

Reccer says: I was shocked to find out it had less than 150 kudos. It is such a good fic, modern times with magic but following Essek's POV and his love for the mighty nein and his worries when they are in danger and he can't help. And the shadowgast is great, very much like the show the awkward flirting with lots of nothing happening until the climax.

Before the Dawn Breaks by Ofthedirewolves (1746, General) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes

Post 111 , Caleb and Essek talk before the big battle.

Reccer says: It’s very sweet and definitely deserves more love! It’s canon for me now since we didn’t really get one.

This is one of our weekly communally-generated shadowgast rec lists. Every week we announce a new theme and allow anyone to submit a fic recommendation.

And hey, anyone includes you!

Next week, we'll be featuring fics that feature soup! Any fics coming to mind? Well, then use this form to submit!

#shadowgast #caleb widogast #essek thelyss #cr fic recs #fan fiction rec list #aeor is for lovers #critical role fan fiction #cr fic #call for recs #cr fics

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johnnysuhbmarine · 11 hours ago

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Knowing a change of scenery was what your mental health needed, you transferred to where your brother, Mark, goes to college. The good news is, he’s not too cool for his younger sister, so he lets you join his friend group immediately. The bad news is, Haechan is in that friend group, and a brief encounter four years ago was enough for you to understand he does NOT like you. Even worse news, he’s a lot hotter than he was four years ago…

Chapter Fifteen: I'll just ask Mark - four images, 1.5k words - heads up, this chapter deals more with y/n's mental health than previous ones

You were thankful you didn’t have any classes for the rest of the day, because time slipped right by you while at lunch with Haechan. The two of you got sandwiches and coffee from the library café, but when you quickly realized all the tables were taken, you ended up bringing the food back to Haechan’s apartment just a short walk away. This is where time started flying past. The two of you turned on an old cartoon show to watch while you ate, but once you were finished, your own voices quickly overtook the sound of the television.

It was a strange truth to find out - that you and Haechan actually got along swimmingly, taking to each other like a duck to water. Of course, up until the last week or so, the majority of your time knowing each other was spent either ignoring one another or exemplifying passive aggression; so your ability to actually carry a conversation for hours was a very new concept, but one you could hardly take the time to question when you were too busy laughing until you couldn’t breathe.

Haechan was the first to calm down after the last bout of laughter shared in the living room, and he leaned his head against the front of the couch - the two of you opted to sit on the floor as you ate since there was no coffee table to place everything on; not to mention the couch wasn’t that comfortable in the first place.

He rolled his head to the side so he could look at you, your eyes squeezed shut as you bite on your bottom lip to try and stop more laughs from leaving your system. He let a soft grin come across his face as he took in your presence, and the fact that he was happy here with you. “Remind me to thank Mark for convincing you to transfer,” he says gratefully, traces of a laugh still tainting his light voice. Though, all at once, your body stills, and you open your eyes to meet his soft gaze before swiftly bringing your focus to where you had begun messing with your fingers in your lap.

“Oh. It wasn’t really- he didn’t convince me, so to speak. I had to transfer.” You fumble through your words, embarrassment tinging your cheeks a shade of pink.

Haechan furrowed his brows at you. “What do you mean?” He asks curiously, and you can’t help the heavy sigh that escapes you.

You stop fidgeting, but you can’t bring your gaze up from your lap as you respond smoothly. “I was really, badly depressed. Not to mention half the student body at SM used to actually bully me," you recall with a scoff.

“At the end of the day, I just wanted my brother closer than thirty minutes away from me. Helped me feel less alone, or at least helped me not make rash decisions, I mean- I hated myself. Wasn’t sure I was anything but a waste of space, honestly; and the idea of going to my brother to be talked down felt better than going to my friends, cause I always thought they would leave me if all I did was come to them with struggles. My brother can’t leave, he’s stuck with me. Though most of the time, that doesn’t really make it any easier - it’s still putting so much responsibility on Mark, when he’s probably the last person who needs any more added to his plate. Regardless, he does his best - and only partly because he's forced to," you say with a weak laugh before continuing softly.

"In transferring here, my parents made him promise that he wouldn’t allow me to throw myself into oncoming traffic, or maybe it was off a bridge. I don’t know. Something stupid but-”

You cut yourself off when you hear what you think is a sniffle from beside you. You whip your head over to look and get confirmation that he’s actually crying. “Haechan?” You get out worriedly, your brows furrowing as you take in his wide watery eyes and small trembles. You reach out to wipe away at the tears racing down his face, and he just shakes his head against your hold.

“Don’t leave. Don’t you ever dare leave,” he manages to get out somewhat firmly. Your lips form a tight smile at his care and you shake your head, trying to dispel his worries.

“I’m not-” You start, but he cuts you off and you’re sure it’s because he doesn’t quite believe you…not that you could blame him.

He moves from sitting flat on the ground to instead lean over and engulf you in a hug, made awkward by the fact that he was practically just ramming his body into your side. You didn’t care, you wrapped your arms around him the best you could as he gets out choked words. “I need you. Here. I need you here,” he hiccups, and you break.

“Haechan…it’s okay. I’m not going anywhere. I promise,” you say, trying your best not to cry now, too as you begin to rub a hand up and down his back.

You feel a light poke at your side and glance down to see his pinkie outstretched. You look back up to face him in confusion, but his eyes are still directed towards the floor, not to mention squeezed shut. “P-promise,” he gets out weakly. With the tears staining his face, the shaking of his body, and his choked words, you knew you never wanted to see Haechan like this ever again. So, without truly realizing how much this pinky promise was going to mean to him, you lace your finger with his and watch as the smallest wave of relief crashes over him.

He falls more decidedly against you, and you hold him there tightly, running your fingers gently across his clothes and through his hair. You don’t know how long the two of you stayed like that, but you know you didn’t let up from the hug until he was completely rid of tears. Though, when you lift your arms up and allow him to sit back upright, he doesn’t, and a small smile crosses your face as you gently place your arms back around his figure.

You hadn’t seen him look this small ever before, and the fact that he was being this emotional and vulnerable with you was making warmth spread through your entire body. You only hoped it could transfer through the hug you had him in, figuring he probably needed it more right now - for some reason, it couldn't click that he was crying over you, that he was currently concerned about making sure you felt comforted and cared for...though that quickly changes with his next words.

“I’m sorry I was a dick to you earlier,” he finally says with resolve. You move to shake your head and dismiss it, but he presses on. “I treated you poorly for no reason, and I’m sorry. The last thing I ever want to do is remind you of someone from your old school. I’ll do better. I promise all I’ll ever try to do is put a smile on your face, but if it’s ever not genuine, I need you to know that you can come to me, confide in me, whatever. Your heavy feelings aren’t going to scare me away. You don’t need to ever pretend around me, and if I’m the only person who has made that clear, then so be it, I’ll be your rock.”

He finally moves as he says this so that he can make eye contact with you, unfortunate because you had finally started crying at his words. “It’s so hard,” you squeak out. “With my family, I mean - I just want to be a good daughter- a good sister. They don’t deserve all that stress of my mental health. I- I broke my family’s heart telling them how I thought of myself…the point I was reaching. I don’t ever want to worry them like that again.” As you finish, your attention is turned towards where Haechan lightly grabbed your hand in his.

“You broke mine, too, but you need to understand that I’ll let you break it over and over again if it means you aren’t going through this alone.” There’s nothing but sincerity in his tone and it sends even more tears racing down your cheeks. He sighs, bringing a hand up to wipe gently under your eyes. “Y/n,” he says, his voice soft but filled with intent.

You nod your head, knowing what he was looking for - any confirmation that you were actually taking in his words. “Thank you,” you say weakly, causing a corner of Haechan’s mouth to perk up in a soft grin.

His hand that was previously at your cheek moves up to eventually run back down through your hair, tucking a piece behind your ear. “Do you wanna watch The Aristocats?” He asks gently.

Your wide eyes meet his. “You’d watch it with me again?” You respond in awe.

Haechan lets out a small laugh, turning his gaze to the floor before shaking his head and looking in your teary eyes again. “You said it’s your comfort movie…I’d watch it a thousand times.”

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a/n: yuhhhh

Taglist: @fullsunstrawberry @choizzn @raevyng @dudekiss3r @yewshi @artsenthusiastk77 @injunnie-lemon @markeroolee @chan-yeoldelling @sunflowerhae @mystverse @urlovelily @luvandletter @jeonghansshitester @dinonuguaegi @untilthesunrises @clean-soap @andassortedkpop @dlin3 @roseangelxfuma @gomdoleemyson @simmsunshine @swanyvess @awktwurtle @t-102 @kukkurookkoo

@hahaechans @ypoom151999 @goldenclosethobi

#on the same page #haechan #nct haechan #lee haechan #donghyuck #lee donghyuck #haechan x reader #nct #nct dream #nct 127 #haechan smau #haechan social media au #nct smau #nct dream smau #nct social media au

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knotted-kitten · 2 years ago

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added that self-ship can be expected to be here occasionally, since.....well, duh!! 😎 love me some self-ship chaos.

on that note, might start posting my lewd-related arts here, at some point... plus writing more lewd things, overall. hope y’all are ready for shit like DoL to be on here at some point, LMAO- ✌️

#Sinngergami speaks #having a bad mental health end of the year #miiight as well try to make it fun at some point #''spice it up'' as it were #ALSO I want a new icon anywayssss...#kinda want strawbaby cow shit to be my new theme??#(it's either that or shiny 'punny...)#look I might wanna be masc looking #BUT I deserve all the pink I want to so like

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icewindandboringhorror · 2 months ago

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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently

#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting #with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though #you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would #think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page #disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol #THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended #(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever #so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with #no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know #EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably #It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end #point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc #I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc #rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is #not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school #but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia #and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like #the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot #or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are #familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them #Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol

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th3-c0ll3ct3r · 3 months ago

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My Tumblr followers. If and when you see this. Just don't look at twitter man

This year is cooked

Sorry for the vent but omg this year man THIS YEAR UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (read tags for context)

#2024 is done #worst year of my life #shitpost #kagevt #Hes coming back after his dramatic af graduation because he's a shit person because 3 months suddenly makes you a better person. Rent due?#People are beefing over whether fat nuggets or waddles is the better pig and saying hazbin copied gravity falls #Bc if we're talking cartoon pigs then 2007 spider pig Simpsons did it way before gravity fall so bad argument their #gravity falls #The dream smp members are being haunted by the ghost of their admins infection rate #Which is to say every dsmp member is gonna take a huge L this year and it's Eret's and Niki's turn currently #eret #niki niachu #AND ALL THE GOOD ANIMES IS ENDING SO I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE A DISTRACTION #AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON MR BEAST OML #vent post #vent #Eret and Ava Tyson were dating??? And Eret doesn't believe that she'd be “capable” of some of the bad thing she did WHEN ITS ALL PUBLIC INFO #mr beast #He sending out more lawsuits then batman has dollar bills #People are pressuring other people to join Mcc rising even though the team comp is literally too toxic got them #mcyt #Like if they don't want to play then don't make them play simple as. But NOOOOOOOOOO we gotta send disgusting shit and for what??#Have some dignity #I swear if another thing happens this year I'm throwing the YouTube and Twitter files into a nuclear bomb aimed at my brain bc I can't #And all that's on my mind is that if Technoblade could have seen the shit people are doing he'd be disappointed #I feel bad knowing he passed away without knowing the truth but I hope he's happy with what he did have #And my mental health is tanking #UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #chat i'm cooked

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moruboru · 1 month ago

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having the time of my life rn

#im just gonna dump this here bc i srsly cant go with this anywhere else cause my veins are about to pop #going on bsky really making me realize that my art simply got carried by the algorithm and not bc ppl actually like it i feel lol #i crawl back to twt bc im so addicted to the notification pop up there at least there i can feel like i actually matter #everyone has been getting serotonin from bsky but for me it was the exact opposite most friends also dont care for bsky so im just alone #maybe its also just the realization that perhaps there is nothing left for me on this earth #i put so much of my selfworth into the stupid numbers online and now im paying the price for it #my mental health is so bad rn i cant go a single day without feeling like i wanna end it today or i wont live past my 30s nor that i even #WANT TO live past my 30s my passions are gone dont have goals in life anymore like whats even the point maybe this really is the final #nail in the coffin for me lol i dont even think anyone cares for me beyond a personal surface level not even my family im so done with lif #im so eaten up by jealousy in every aspect of my life and i have had to bottle it up for so long bc nobody actually gives a shit even if i #openly talked about it to whoever how its making me miserable but its always the “just think about the good in life :)” there is none #i honestly wished for several years i shouldve been dead or at least not exist physically anymore and it was only the clout online that kep #me alive for better or worse but now im starting to believe this was all jsut lies too lol ngl i just wanna crawl into a hole and never ge #back out of it anymore i dont think anyone would even miss me anyways lol

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hammill-goes-fogwalking · 6 months ago

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sympathy for the outcasts <3

#Ive been a social outcast for almost two years and I wish everyone dealing with it joy in life ✌️😔#dont punish yourself for the way other people act towards you #you can work on yourself. but dont try to hide your entire personality.#otherwise one day all the sorrow will come back like a wave of depression.#Ive had this #yes I had friends during that dark era buuuuut they treated me as if I'm worth nothing #social outcast era #neurodivergent #mental health #and all my other friends: they left me #I lost all. literally. ALL my friends in that one year 2021 #I had like 6 or 7 close friends before covid but after the lockdown ALL friendships ended #and I developed a high ego and thought I need no one #I was happy to have no friends 🫥#zero friends.#around that time I developed some autistic traits in my personality :/#as an example-#I didnt know how to talk to my dog/animals/pets. it felt so uncomfortable I tried to avoid it #I avoided speaking in general #but that high ego inside me kinda prevented me from drifting into depression #at least #random mind #guys. dont think it was THAT bad. I still had family which supported me #thank god Im not like this anymore #I found many close friends now and I have people who appreciate me irl #and healthy friendships taught me how to be social again #hopefully that whole covid lockdown dark phase blah blah blah think will never return #life is beautiful #never say never #❣️

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statisticalcats2 · 4 months ago

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I'm reminded every year of just how autistic or something I was during a historical tumblr moment, like, I went to DashCon and was at most barely aware of the chaos surrounding it all. I was there when the WTNV announcement happened and barely comprehended what was happening (I was in the room waiting for the Doug Jones Q & A scheduled after the reading). Like damn dude, July 2014 me was just vibing through life.

#what's (darkly) funny is i think that was the same year i ended up having a very bad mental health crisis starting around november/december #maybe the dashcon curse fumes finally caught up with me gyfrhiuwedjoisk #''statcat how do you not remember for sure what year that happened?''#listen man time is hard even in the pockets where you're not in a mental health crisis gfryhiuwod #but also i know i did cons wrong #the same way i do disney world wrong #which is that compared to others and probably the average person i do next to nothing #worked out for me at dashcon though fyriuhwoedijw

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hotchocolateandpillowforts · 9 months ago

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I was sitting in the tub after my workout tonight and kind of mentally spiraling (like you do). And I was thinking about suicide (I'm fine I promise) and I realized that I could never do that. Mostly because I love my husband and my cat and I could never do that to them. I could never put them through that. And I have been struggling every day for literal months due to my depression and my anxiety and the issue I have with adjusting to new situations (like transferring for work). But I love them enough to struggle and get through this. And that hit me like a wave tonight.

And it also showed me that I do actually have hope. I thought to myself that I love them enough to struggle *and get through this.* I realized that I'm going to get *through* this and I'm going to be okay.

#the dumbest rant but i was just sitting there in lukewarm bath water and this hit my right in my emotions so hard #there may be a light at the end of the tunnel #it might be a train though #i don't know #it just felt good to think a happy thought and i felt the need to highlight that #I'm sure i'm going to have good days and bad days still #but idk i want to acknowledge a happy little thought #personal #rant #mental health #tw: suicide mention #tw: depression #tw: anxiety #tw: suicide #i also just keep hearing the Mountain Goats song that goes 'I'm going to make it through this year if it kills me' or something like that

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aliferousdreamer · 2 days ago

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so i've been rewatching season 4 of the next step for the first time in years and hoooo boy do i have a lot to say t

#i wasn't looking forward to watching s4 because in my previous rewatches i either straight up skipped the whole season #or i just skipped the scenes with the plots that i really didn't like........... which ended up being most of the season lmao #however for this rewatch i decided to sit through every single thing and watch it all with a fresh perspective #and yes i have many many thoughts #bear in mind i've only just finished 4x17 #i have a lot to say.......... especially in regards to the jiley/ralfie bs and how riley is being treated as a character #and nomanda and the latroy love triangle and the 0% club and the og boys in london etc.#plus whatever tf they were doing with michelle's character #btw earlier this year i also rewatched s1-3 #i still *adore* them like tns s1-3 is pure comfort and fun and silliness and all the characters are so iconic #i had lots of thoughts on those seasons as well but my mental health has been so bad that i didn't bother writing down my thoughts rip #but yeah #would anyone be interested in some of my thoughts on tns 4?? ik it's probably the most controversial and least liked tns season for fans #the next step #tns season 4 #the next step season 4 #the next step fandom #tns fandom #tns series 4 #tns s4 #the next step series 4 #the next step s4 #tns #the next step tv #tv show tag #tv shows #cbbc #family channel

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penisbilt · 7 months ago

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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now

#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL #really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us #ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great #extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore #the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog #its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow #i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating #i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one #i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it #theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget #anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by #there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad #cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now #maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that #im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away #ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free #i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20 #i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her #but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more #maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know #because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before #i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years #i dunno. i dont know #anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process #the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months #the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time #when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move #just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend

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flitterywings · 3 months ago

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I can’t believe I’ve lost two years of my twenties to health problems and disability. it’s still baffling me that I’m not anywhere close to recovering

#I thought I’d be back at work in 3 weeks at the end of 2022 and now it’s nearly two years later and I’m still practically bedridden #if my body can’t recover from what is an incredibly minor surgery how am I going to have kids one day #not to mention I lost months to those freak mystery seizures too #genuinely so traumatized from everything that has happened the last 2 years #with multiple other things that have happened in my personal life on the side during all of my health issues I am so tired as a human being #idk how to begin life again or when my body will allow it but I’m so ready for this era of my life to be over #I want to shed all of these bad health problems and bad relationships #everything has felt so suffocating. I feel like I need a mental breath of fresh air #I hope 28 is kinder to me than the last two years of my life have been #bria.txt

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mantisgodsdomain · 8 months ago

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Slowly, yet painfully realizing that we're probably the exact type of person that random fandom guys would miscast as a father.