#having Feelings about melinda may and her story is not new

[an-inky-fingered-lass]

The story of Melinda May and Andrew Garner, their beginnings and ends, and the life that was built in between.

Sometimes, heroes are monsters. 

Sometimes, monsters are heroes. 

Sometimes, they were both; sometimes, they are lost.

They were more. They were loved. 

Here’s how it began. 

A spy and a therapist walked into a bar— no, really. That probably wasn't quite how they expected their story to begin, either. 

They learned. They grew. They talked, they chose. 

A spy and a therapist built a life together. They knew the risks, and they built something beautiful. 

Long nights, stretches of silence— May taught Andrew about radio silence, once he got his clearance, about going dark, about protocols and contingencies, about — sometimes — all the things she’d already survived. She laughed about it, half-lit in golden evenings; scars rough and shiny and numerous and undisguised, certainty earned and sitting easy on her shoulders. 

[yumeka-sxf]

The school vacation is over and the new term at Eden is starting...of course, Anya is less than pleased with this development 😅

Seriously, her groaning reminds me of my "anti-school" phase I had when I was around her age, lol.

This chapter was mainly focused on introducing Anya's new classmates. I'll admit that I feel SxF has enough side characters already for the type of series it is, but maybe they'll only be relevant for one story/arc (like Daybreak and Wheeler). Though having another female friend in Connie might be nice. She seems weird enough for Anya to have fun reading her mind 😂

Since recent chapters have dropped hints about Anya's past and the emphasis on mind-reading abilities/the occult via Melinda, plus we have the lingering mystery of Anya's affinity for classical languages, I feel like this new set up at Eden is going to play into that. Not only has Arnold returned, but we now have a supposed prince in the mix. It's been theorized that Anya's classical language skills are somehow tied to royalty in a foreign land...so maybe Tertius is connected to that somehow. I mean, you must be royally royal to have hair shaped like a crown 🤣

Then we have the as-of-yet unnamed kid who flicked a booger on Tertius. Curious what role he'll play if all this is indeed leading up to more Anya backstory reveal.

I should clear up some weird translation in the English version. In the below panel, it seems like Tertius is mentioning Jeeves, but the term he's using is 爺や ("jiiya") which I believe is an old term used to refer to an elderly male servant.

Now the word "jeeves" in English is a generic term used to refer to a butler or valet. If you've watched enough movies and/or TV series, you may have heard someone refer to their butler as "jeeves." So technically it's not an incorrect translation, but it's incredibly confusing because we already have an established character named Jeeves, who is Damian's butler. So this could make people think that Tertius knows Jeeves, which is likely not the case. They really should have come up with a different word to use, something like "pop" or "gramps."

Besides the new characters, we now have more potential for Anya and Damian to be alone, without influence from Emile, Ewen, and Becky. Hopefully it will lead to more talk about Anya's mind-reading and Desmond lore.

Guess that's all I have to say about this chapter as it mostly seems like setup for what's to come. I've probably mentioned before that the Eden-focused stories aren't exactly my favorites, especially when Anya isn't a key player. But hopefully whatever's going on with Tertius and the booger kid will be leading up to something significant in the end.

Interestingly, this is the first chapter since Loid's backstory that's being split into parts, as this chapter is called 112.1 (112 part 1 in the Japanese version). Similar to what he did for Loid's backstory chapters, Endo tweeted about this for chapter 112. Guess it's just gonna be two parts?

Also, on an unrelated note, we also got the cover reveal for volume 15 today! Features Martha, not surprised since it will include chapters from the Henry/Martha backstory arc.

[briefhottubcoffee]

Hey so I love spyxfamily, yet I have some issues with the pacing lately. I miss The Forgers like crazy and I am desperate for more Yor content. I suppose that’s what I’m most worried about, she’s not getting fleshed out enough and being used to her full potential. She’s such an amazing character!

That said, I do have complete faith in Endos storytelling capabilities. He’s created a truly amazing story with compelling characters (side characters included) awesome world building, and both light and dark themes. I think, in pointing out the slow pacing and lack of the Forgers recently, we’ve forgotten all the awesome directions the story can take with all the different plot points Endo has set up at this juncture of the story.

I feel like, based on the narrative, the story is about to reach a big climax, a change in the status quo for the Forgers. Exciting things have happened, but nothing has truly changed the status quo, or the relationship dynamics between the main characters. Since we have reached 100 chapters, and the way the narrative is propelling upward, I think we are due for a big shift. Not the biggest, but a change for sure. Just remember all that’s been set up! Here are a few things I’m fairly confident is gonna happen soon to the Forger’s in the story:

Manga spoilers obviously!

- Twilight is going to continue to try to distance himself from the family, because of the Wheeler stuff, but he will be challenged on that and face a work vs family thing. This is a big theme of the series obviously, and it will take a lot to break down his walls. But it will happen.

- Twilight will learn something about Anya’s past. Most likely related to her knowledge of classical language. Perhaps her history with other families or where she is from. I doubt he’ll learn about her mind reading, that would be huge, but I’m honestly kinda hopeful he does because I don’t want Anya to have to hide anymore. Whatever he learns will affect him and hopefully bring him and his daughter closer in the end.

- This means we will finally get the Anya backstory Endo’s been hinting at for a while! Again, I expect this to lead up to a sweet family moment that brings them closer.

- A new Yor arc. We are truly due for one and I don’t think Endo is ignoring her purposefully. It just may take a while to set up because it will be a big climax of the story. Perhaps Garden lore. A big assassination that affects her character or the plot.

- Yor will get closer with Melinda and maybe find out what the heck is going on concerning her relationship with the other Desmond’s.

- As this happens I think Garden will come into play. I don’t think they like the Desmond pro war agenda. Yor may report her findings from Melinda to them or something. This would be a continuation into that one panel of the Shopkeeper when Yor brought up that Loid was interested in their politics. They will start questioning Yor’s husband as well.

- Damian will confirm Anya can read minds, but will keep her secret. Maybe Becky finds out as well. Dimitri will come into play somehow. I would love to see Damian stop bullying Anya so severely and truly start treating her like a friend, while still struggling with his crush.

- Some Authen’s chapters with some information on their backstory. Are they related to Anya’s mind reading stuff?

- We were recently introduced to Chloe! Yuri’s co-worker and potential romantic interest. I think we will see more of Yuri x Chloe. This will hopefully help him in his crazy obsession with Yor lol.

- Yuri maaay become more suspicious Loid is Twilight (a reach I think). He may also start to like Loid more! (an even bigger reach lol).

- BUT I do think Endo is setting up a funny chapter where Yuri has to stay over and Loid and Yor will have to share a bed! That’s been hinted at several times!

- I also think we are leading up to a big moment between Twilight and Yor. Some type of physical affection. (I’d love a hug, but I’ll take some erotic hand holding once they’re forced to share a bed or something) It’s not a reach, the setup is there for a shift in their physical relationship. This will obviously change things between them. Again, Twilight will be confronted with his feelings after the Wheeler arc and struggle with his feelings for Yor.

- Yor is definitely going to realize she is in love with Loid.

- Finally, after the Wheeler arc, Handler gave Fiona some important patient files for Twilight. I think this will lead to a big break for Strix. He may also meet Melinda as Loid Forger in this capacity.

So yeah, based on basic narrative storytelling, we are due for a climax and change in status quo in sxf! I’m excited to see which way the story goes, there are so many different directions. I’m confident some of these points will happen sooner rather than later. Of course Endo could throw us for a huge loop. But he has setup all of these points and it’s bad storytelling to leave them open ended with no closure or shift in the story.

We have to remember Endo is setting up a truly big story! We should be excited about that. I think it’s fine to criticize the slow pacing (and lack of Yor) but I can only hope it is just building to something big!

[agentoffangirling]

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. to Janani K Jha songs, bc why is everything she writes so AoS-coded?

Achilles Heel: Very self explanatory, I feel, a song about being the other's weakness, FitzSimmons

Thanatos (End of Us): Another romance song, being together even if it kills, so very Huntingbird (I think that's the ship name?)

Ms. Protagonist: The loss of innocence from childhood to adulthood, so very s1 Skye to s7 Daisy Johnson. Could also apply to Jemma over the seasons

Library Card: A song about growing up as a nerd? Jemma Simmons

Golden Age: Really could be any woman in the MCU, but since this is more about the hidden and misunderstood women of history, I feel like it's better suited to the "background characters" of S.H.I.E.L.D., for lack of a better word, such as Victoria Hand and Piper

Sunday Crossword: Philinda struggling to convey their feelings, slowly falling out of love and ending as friends

Machine Learning: Fitz. 100% Fitz, oh my god, it's so him. It's literally a song about not knowing how to socialize and always feeling like a robot

Three Specters: Daisy in season 5, feeling lost and thrust into a position of power with little preparation. The song specifically describes being haunted with past memories, which is so her in those moments

Prophecies: Technically a song dedicated to the artist's parents of how they sacrificed everything for her, Daisy's family dynamic w/Coulson and May

Two Roads: Honestly I had a hard time with this since it's about choosing between the safe path and the new one. I'm going with Mack always having to choose between his personal life and S.H.I.E.L.D., especially since he's always threatening to quit (and never does)

Rome (Outro): the collective trauma everyone had by the end of the season and finally taking time for themselves. The song is basically about calming down and taking it slow

Slow Burn: Being in a relationship that just consumes you in all the right ways, that makes the both of you better is so Dousy (OTP frfr)

The Maze: Stuck in a mental/physical maze that you struggle to get out of is perfect for the Framework arc

Hellbent: About literally going through hell, about agency. Melinda May, SPECIFICALLY after the situation in Bahrain

Gladiators: The team fighting any opponent, but the season 7 finale would fit best

Royal We: Staticquake. It's a song on toxic codependent relationships, and I am not loathe to admit (sorry Staticquake fans), that the way Lincoln's death leaves Daisy is quite close to what the song describes

The Siege: Deke Shaw, especially with how much shit the team they gave him later on (May could also apply to this, bc one of the lyrics is "and no cavalry will cave")

Weird Hills: Ward's betrayal on the team; the song is all about trusting someone who called themself a friend only to stab you in the back

Polyxena: A song about sacrifice and being used to further the story. Trip's death

The Judgement (I Think Too Much): The main lyric is "you think too much with your head and not enough with your heart", very Aida becoming Ophelia

Cut the Cord: While it's technically about "dreaming a release from validation" as Janani puts it, I also think this fits well with the whole prophecy subplot of s3b and Daisy trying to subvert it

Nike: Phil Coulson, how his death is always weaponized against him but everyone forgets about him all the other times

Library of Alexandria: the lost innocence of S1, Bus Kids and how we never see them happy following s1

[jessy-the-martian-girl]

This family fanfic was inspired by the sweetest art from amazing @anastasui 💝🤗🤭 Thanks again for bringing my girls their looks, and for Luis 💝

Behold: Luis, his (and my sweet girl) Jessy Jones, their little princesa Mellie (Melinda Serra Jones) and their cat Misty 💝😍🥰

In this story Mellie is four and a half, she was born about a year after the events of the OG RE4 (September, 21st, 2005). Jessy is 34 (November, 13th, 1975), Luis is 33 (December, 7th, 1976). This story takes place about a year before the wild crossover happens (April, 17th, 2010, and the crossover is set to start in late May, 2011).

Yes, the title is kinda referencing one specific movie with Michelle Pfeiffer, not the plot, but the "aftertaste" I had from that movie.

And I tried to go the fluffiest way I'm capable of, yet, still with a tint of "baking soda".

AO3 link here.

One Fine Day

Polaroids Seeing love in your hazel eyes Polaroids Hear your heartbeat in your loving voice All the lights All the nights All the times Kosy - Polaroids

On that Saturday spring morning, Luis' dream was disturbed by a quite persistent ray of sunlight. That ray broke through the young foliage of the trees outside and made it past the curtains just to rest on the Spaniard's face.

Still not fully awake, the man listened and tried to feel into his surroundings. Nothing felt out of place. Jess was sleeping peacefully right next to him, smiling in her sleep, with her cheek pressed against his chest. Their ginger cat, Misty, was snoozing at their feet, pinning those limbs with a warm and purring weight. He probably slipped into their bedroom late at night, after the couple has finally made a good use of time for themselves and fell asleep.

“Little fluff, opens all doors like a pro”, - the Spaniard thought lazily, a tender smile forming on his lips as he opened one eye just to make sure that his assessment of surroundings was correct. - “Though we need to teach him the art of closing those doors. Mel still sees even slightly open doors as an invitation. At least this morning we're in our pajamas...”

Actually, it has been two years since that rainy day when he had picked up a weak and extremely dirty kitten. And in those years, with combined efforts of their family, said kitten managed to grow into a gorgeous cat, who turned out to be slightly mischievous and at the same time incredibly affectionate and intelligent creature. Yet, Serra still referred to this family member as a “little fluff”, mostly out of habit.

And Luis' thoughts on doors came because not so long ago, right after their daughter's forth birthday, they've made an agreement upon a new rule for them all: “If the door is closed, knock first, wait for a reply, then enter, unless it's an emergency.” - but their girl pretended to “forget” about that rule at times, and believed that the rule didn't apply at all if the door was even slightly opened.

Next to him Jessica sighed sleepily, leaning closer to the warmth of Luis' body and turning for a more comfortable pose, and the Spaniard smiled. He usually was the first one to wake up and he absolutely adored those cozy morning moments, when they didn't have to rush, cursing the alarm clock, and could stay in bed until they were fully awake. Or until the body demanded to take care of some urgent needs.

Anyway, Luis loved both the lazy part of such mornings and what could follow, either it was turning into some family time, or something more intimate, just for him and his Jess. And as if an answer to his thoughts, a cheerful patter of tiny feet was heard from behind the door, announcing the morning appearance of their little treasure.

“Well, only family time today then”, - Luis smiled at the thought, as he truly loved his family and cherished every day and every moment he got to spend with them.

Especially after those days in the hospital, when he was on the verge of death and was brought back to the land of living only by some miracle and combined efforts of his friends and even (surprisingly) an enemy. After that experience, the realization hit him hard: he could've died without ever knowing that he and Jessy were about to become parents, to have their tesoro, their Melinda.

- Dad, Mom! - beaming with delight, the “treasure” in her favorite Ninja Turtles PJs stormed into the parent's bedroom, taking advantage of the fact that her fluffy “partner in crime” has got the door opened already. - Good Mo'nin'!

- Morning, princesa, - Serra rose on his elbow, smiling at the girl, helping her climb onto their bed without disturbing Misty's morning dreams.

- Morning, sweeties, - Jessy responded sleepily, somewhat reluctantly emerging from her slumber.

She always had hard time parting with the cozy warmth of the blankets and starting the day early on weekends, and the only thing that reconciled her to such occasions every time was an exceptionally pleasant company of those she loved the most.

- And why would you get up so early? - the young woman enquired a little (just a tiny bit) grumpily, knowing that her family is well aware of her true feelings for them and won't mistake that tone for an insult.

- Mommy, we be cooking something tasty, - that little copy of Luis reminded, her hazel eyes sparkling with anticipation. - Did you forget?!

- Of course not, - Jessy gently ruffled their daughter's hair, finally leaving her pillow.

- Mom! - the girl huffed, but instead of wriggling away from her mother's touch, she leaned into her hand.

The young woman chuckled softly, hugging this little fidget and leaned her back onto her husband, feeling his arms encircling both his “girls” too and his chin resting on her shoulder briefly.

- Good morning, mi hermosa, - her personal words were reinforced with a gentle kiss on the corner of her lips and a loving gaze of those gray-brown eyes.

Such idyllic state didn't last long, soon broken by Mellie, who was unable to contain her excitement over the plans they had for this day. Misty joined her, openly hinting that he can see the bottom of his bowl (in cat's language – it has turned completely empty over the night) and he hadn't eaten in days. And that mornings are the best time to save the starving kitty and to keep him company over the breakfast.

That kind of pressure the older family members couldn't resist. Melinda was sent to wash and brush her teeth, Misty was escorted to his bowl and Luis and Jessy got a chance to get on with their morning routine of washing and dressing up for the day.

After quick breakfast they packed some snacks and headed out for their almost traditional Saturday family walk to the park not too far from their home. The park was no longer maintained and was slowly turning into the real forest, but it was still safe to walk there.

And there was one specific place that Luis and Jessy got to love since the day they've discovered it, after they moved in that house. The one place that they - (unofficially, of course) - called their personal Sherwood Forest, because of an enormous oak tree. When Jessy saw that oak for the first time, she instantly reacted with an awed exclamation: “Luis, look, it's the Robin Hood's tree!” - and the name stuck.

That oak allowed both to sit comfortably at its roots and to climb higher, into the fork between the branches. The best part was that climbing up was so easy that even Jessy could do it, with all her fear of heights and total lack of tree-climbing skill considered.

Melinda somehow was sure that this Saturday they'll start “cooking something tasty” right after the breakfast. And when the didn't, at first she almost got upset, but then she changed her mind as she remembered that her mom and dad always keep their promises. Mellie's mood brightened and she joined the walk eagerly.

They've spent some wonderful time in the park, and on their way back home took a quick detour to buy some missing ingredients for the planned recipes.

After lunch they finally got to the promised cooking. It was Luis' turn to choose the recipe and he decided to try the traditional Spanish pie, with the recipe that he has stumbled upon among those scattered notes of his Abuelo, that he could salvage and restore after their second trip to El Pueblo. And in addition, Serra offered to make some smaller empanadas for their upcoming Sunday trip to the waterfalls. His idea was welcomed and they've got on with the process, starting with the pie.

Of their little family, Luis was better at baking, so naturally he took on making dough, while Jessy, who was still not so confident with this subject, set on preparing the fillings.

Mellie helped her mom with washing veggies, then she peeled already boiled eggs and, with some help, grated tomatoes. After that she switched to dad's team, obviously eager to mess with the dough.

Last weekend they were baking ginger cookies among other things - it was an experiment and experience for Jess, but Mellie loved it too. She was helping with rolling out the dough and later had a lot of fun cutting the cookies with cutters of different shapes. Kitties and hearts were her favorite, Jessy added some alien-shaped patterns, and Luis was chuckling good-naturedly at their enthusiasm, while making the main dinner meal.

This time Mellie was assigned with mixing the dough. Luis was carefully pouring olive oil warmed with paprika into the sifted flour already mixed with dry yeast. And Mel was stirring the mixture with the fork and watching how her simple actions made familiar ingredients turn into something different in texture. The olive oil was followed by salty water, and Luis offered their daughter to take turns at kneading.

By the moment they've got the proper texture for the dough, Jessy was already sniffling over a chopped onion, as her usual trick with damp paper towel and wet knife obviously failed this time.

- Mommy, you are crying? - concern showed on Mellie's face slightly, sprinkled with flour.

- Is that you or the onions? - Luis enquired simultaneously, as he covered the dough in a bowl with plastic wrap and put it to a warm place for the next couple of hours. - Should I get you those goggles?

- No, it's just some extremely pungent onion, - Jessica smiled at her family, blinking away those tears, and finally reached for the paper towel to wipe her eyes and nose. - And I'm done with it already, so there's no need for the goggles, but thanks for your concern, sunshine.

Anyway, the woman immediately found herself in a double embrace of her husband and daughter, who never missed a chance to hug her parents.

- Just some prevention measures, - the Spaniard winked at his spouse and stepped back, turning to the fridge to take butter.

Mellie joined her dad in rubbing grated butter into flour, and Jess turned her attention to the stove and two frying pans – for separate fillings. And they had some blackcurrant marmalade and cottage cheese waiting too, all for flavor varieties.

Of course, cooking with a child couldn't be completely mishap-free and not messy, and Mellie spilled some water and knocked over a glass with flour. But she was not scolded or called names over this clumsiness, instead her parents reassured the upset girl that it was fine (not a disaster), and took care of the mess. Luis wiped the spilled water, and Jess swept the flour off the floor.

Misty, who was supervising his people, while perched on the windowsill, snatched this opportunity for a rather successful sneak attack on the canned tuna. He jumped on the kitchen table, pushed aside the cutting board that was covering the bowl with tuna, and pawed out a chunk for a treat. Jessy noticed that and gently scooped the fluffy mischief maker from the table. After making sure that he didn't need his paws washed, the woman put their feline family member back to the windowsill. With a small chuckle she put a finger to the cheeky pink nose in a forbidding gesture. Luis smiled knowingly at this interaction too – normally, Misty was not the countertop hopper type of a cat, but this time the smell of a canned fish absolutely outweighed his manners.

At the same time Jessica couldn't help but remembered her own childhood. For the same things their little girl did now, Jessy at that age have usually been called at least useless orcack-handed and then banned from the kitchen for the rest of the day. If they had a cat back then, he would've got his share of punishment too, and even some more for her – for not stopping the cat from ruining the food. And all those memories flashed in a moment before Jessy's inner sight, bringing her just another proof that she's not turning into the worst version of her own mother.

Maybe it was Mellie's personality that helped – although she was energetic and on the fidgety side, she still was kind, smart and not spoiled. And she took after her dad in appearance and some traits, the only Jessy's feature that their child inherited was the eyes' color. Yet, Jessy absolutely adored her husband and was sincerely pleased with such outcome for the genetic lottery, always thinking – and saying - that it was a total win.

Somewhat bitter memories of Jessica's childhood were dissipating back into the oblivion, washed off by the actual reality. After all, it is impossible to remain in despondency for long at a place where you are loved not because of being some mythical perfection or meeting up some made up expectations.

Meanwhile, the pastry dough for empanadas was almost ready. Luis put it into the fridge for about half an hour, as the recipe advised, and went on aiding his spouse with final preparations of the fillings. Melinda was sent to wash her hands and face and to keep Misty entertained and distracted from the further kitchen temptations.

- How about we get out of town the next weekend? - with this question, Luis reached out to gently wipe flour traces from his beloved's face. - For the whole night.

- Singing campfire songs, roasting hot dogs or s'mores? - Jessy clarified with a soft smile.

- And watching the meteor shower, - the Spaniard gave out the most attractive part of his idea. - We still can catch the Lyrids, and weather forecast promises perfect viewing conditions.

- Wow, - the brunette beamed and impulsively hugged her husband. - I'm in, even if we skip the campfire part.

She has always dreamed of watching the shooting stars, ideally – with someone to share the joy of the process. And with Luis that dream came true shortly after they've got together.

- I guess, Mellie would love that too, - Serra responded, returning the hug. - Especially with legal permission to stay up through the whole night.

- She most definitely would, - Jess giggled, enjoying the closeness of the man she loved the most. - But she just loves our small hiking trips anyway.

- Or maybe we can ask Shane and Casey a favor, - the Spaniard smirked, hinting at the perfect opportunity to set up a romantic date. - I've noticed that our little girl favors their Daniel.

- I do love the direction of your thoughts, - the brunette laughed softly, drawing back just enough to see the eyes of her beloved. - And both options are appealing in their own, so whichever happens will be good.

Luis hummed in agreement and sealed that spoken sort-of-deal with a tender kiss, only then letting Jessy out of his embrace. The man checked on the dough for the pie, carefully punched it down and let it sit for some more. In the meantime, he decided to do the dishes that were used during the preparations. Jessy stood next to him, their shoulders barely touching, and set on drying the already washed items with a towel and putting them away.

Fortunately, they've never bickered on who's turn it was to do something from the chores list, and never deliberately tried to split the said list evenly. They usually picked random and smaller tasks to take on them solo, and then combined efforts for something bigger, using even such boring occasions as house chores to spend more time together.

Half an hour flew by and the couple called Mellie back – for the final stage of their “cooking project”. And they let her try doing almost everything she could safely do at her age: cutting the circles of the dough with round cutters (and also with a glass and a cup – just out of curiosity, to see if it worked too), lightly rolling those circles, placing the filling and sealing the edges. The ones that were sealed by Mellie were pretty distinctive and a bit funny, yet they were not bursting open.

Together the family made enough empanadas for two baking sheets:a dessert set with marmalade and cottage cheese, and another one – with beef filling. As the first batch was put into the preheated oven, and the second was sent to the fridge, Luis turned his attention to the dough for the pie.

He followed the recipe: dividing the dough into two pieces, rolling out half of the dough enough to fit into the baking dish. And letting his girls to take over, pouring the filling into the dish, while Serra was rolling out the second half of the dough to make the top. After the pie's edge was sealed, it was set aside to “rest” until the second batch of smaller empanadas was ready and out of the oven. And then it was the time for the main dish.

With Mellie crouching in front of the oven glass door, curiously watching how the pie's crust was slowly changing its color from pale yellow to golden, Luis and Jessy began tidying up the kitchen. And Luis got an idea of capturing the memory of this cozy day for their family photo album with their new “Polaroid”. The camera was a gift from Shane. That new tech came with a self-timer and was advertised as “the best option for instant group photos”.

Misty was the only one not too eager about the idea. But he didn't make a fuss and allowed Jessy to scoop him up with a teasing remark on how this fluffy boy, though belonging to different species, was still a member of their family.

The technical wonder worked as intended, and two buttons presses and nine seconds later presented a wet rectangle piece of photo paper with slowly developing portrait of a family: Jessy with a gentle smile, Misty sitting comfortably in her arms and washing his paw, and right next to them Luis with Mellie were proudly holding the pie that looked absolutely delicious.

The photo fully developed, and Jessy brought their album and a fine tip marker. Luis scribbled the date at the bottom of the frame and, after a moment's thought, added a quick sketch of an apple-blossom next to the numbers. With that, another shared memory took its rightful place in the already pretty filled out album.

Then it was time for dinner and trying out the results of their “cooking project” with addition of a cute family movie “about a parrot who talked too much”. (A/n: Paulie (1998)) After the movie they had to remind Melinda, who was still full of vivacity and seemingly had no thought of sleep whatsoever, that it was time to get ready for bed. It took another reminder – this time about an upcoming road trip to the cascades, and that uncle Billy and auntie Becca said they'd come for them quite early in the morning.

After a mandatory weekend bedtime story (current family favorite was The Chrestomanci series that was read more than once, but remained en-chant-ing), Luis and Jessy tucked already asleep Mellie in. They dimmed the light of her night lamp and went to bed too. As soon as the couple settled in bed, Misty joined them, taking over his favorite spot at his people's feet and purring his cat lullaby loudly.

- I hope we don't oversleep, - Jessy mumbled sleepily, trying to remember if she set the alarm for the right time.

- Even if we do, Mellie will wake us up, - Luis replied softly, snuggling her closer and closing his eyes. - Now sleep, mi vida.

04/08/2024

[themculibrary]

Christmas One-Shots Masterlist 2

part one

70 Christmases To Make Up For (ao3) - Team_Free_Tardis_Deduction steve/bucky G, 6k

Summary: Steve had spent Christmas alone each year after he'd awoken from his 70 year slumber; now, with his best bud Bucky back, they have a hell of a lot of Christmases to make up for.

A Merry Merc For Christmas (ao3) - Nrem511 peter/wade E, 7k

Summary: After Peter gets invited to a Christmas Eve party at Stark Tower, Wade feels left out, but then help arrives in the form of a familiar face who lets Wade in on a secret about Tony Stark. A fluffy Christmas Spideypool story, with a side order of spicy fun.

An Avengers Christmas (ao3) - CactusSquid loki/mobius, steve/bucky, pepper/tony G, 1k

Summary: Mobius and Loki’s first Christmas is spent with the Avengers.

Family, fluff, and chaos in ensues.

a unique spark of interest (ao3) - Orange_Coyote steve/tony G, 2k

Summary: Steve and Bucky make their way to the annual Christmas dinner put on by their friend Sam, but this year a new person joins their little group. Steve doesn't make the best first impression, but he hopes he more than makes up for it in the long run.

A Year-end Miracle (ao3) - ElectrumMonsterRhapsody loki/tony T, 4k

Summary: Since the birth of his son, Tony has done everything he can to make him happy and spend as much time with him as possible but, with Christmas approaching, he's going to need a little help. Fortunately, he may have just found the right person. Tony just had to remember not to fall in love with the gorgeous babysitter.

Christmas Cookies (ao3) - JBankai89 steve/bucky E, 3k

Summary: Bucky is baking up a storm in Avengers Tower. Steve is feeling neglected.

Christmas fairs and playful moods (ao3) - Writerofthelorde steve/bucky G, 1k

Summary: Modern AU of skinny Steve and pre war Bucky walking down a christmas fair while being in a hilarious and playful mood. Playful Steve, who's secretly pining for his best friend, sees an opportunity he can't ignore.

Frost Burn (ao3) - WindChimeGhost G, 4k

Summary: After repairing Jolnir/Santa’s house, Loki is held by the Light Elves until the big man returns to finish out the trickster’s punishment.

Gifts (ao3) - Micktrex jemma/daisy G, 17k

Summary: (Sequel to Scare Tactics) Christmas approaches while Skye struggles with her new feelings for Jemma, only to have them overshadowed by an event that changes her forever. (Skimmons)

Gloves Exist in Pairs (ao3) - ReiVreeKa sam/bucky G, 2k

Summary: A one-shot story about Sam's struggle with one of Bucky's nightmare episodes and how it ignited his desire to love and cherish Bucky and be with him through thick and thin for the rest of his life.

Home for the Holidays (ao3) - petertheparkerpus_mjmonogram mj/peter G, 2k

Summary: The holidays after the reveal

If Only In My Dreams (ao3) - ElisabethMonroe bucky/sarah G, 3k

Summary: When a threat takes Sarah and the boys away from home on Christmas, Bucky finds a way to bring a little bit of home to them

I Hunger for Your Touch (ao3) - DogOverMyAnkles katy/shang-chi M, 2k

Summary: It's Christmastime in Shangqi's new apartment. After staying the night as she's done before, Katy wakes with a sore shoulder from training. Shangqi discovers her in the living room as she's watching the pottery scene from Ghost, and things get heated.

Lover (ao3) - BrokenBookAddict phil/melinda T, 1k

Summary: After all the festivities, the team enjoy the last few hours of Christmas day.

Lucky to be Alive (ao3) - Captain_Danvers16 G, 2k

Summary: What happens when a dog owner attempts to kill another dog owner, then finds out they’re a fellow dog owner.

Rockin Around the Christmas Tree (ao3) - Blondie2000 loki/sylvie T, 2k

Summary: "Sylvie." This time he said it more clearly but his voice shook with emotion. She gives him an reassuring smile.

"I'm here Loki."

"But...What are you...What are you doing here?"

"What does it look like?" She opens the box. "I'm here to decorate the bloody tree."

"Tree?"

"You turned this Godforsaken place into a freaking tree and as it's Christmas I thought we should decorate it."

"Christmas? Tree?"

"Christmas tree you got it."

Secret Santa (ao3) - Glittercat34 harley/peter N/R, 2k

Summary: The Avengers are doing a Secret Santa! Harley needs to find the perfect gift for Peter...

This December (ao3) - crazynoona darcy/loki G, 1k

Summary: In one particularly early morning, Darcy woke up to find her scattered gifts were already wrapped and a certain god was reigning over her kitchen.

Tony Stark is Killing It, In Terms Of Husbands Talking About Problems (ao3) - Dillian loki/tony T, 1k

Summary: My favorite part about Thor Ragnarok was how it looks like Thor and :Loki are starting to get past their differences, and reconnect with each other as brothers and comrades-in-arms. This story comes out of that.

A story about myself: One time my ex and I were visiting my sister and her husband. Afterward my ex was all mad, because she said my sister and her family had been being "mean" to me. I loved her so much for being a protector, and taking my side. In this story, Tony is being the protector, and wanting to take care of his husband, who's big brother was so "mean," when he was visiting for Christmas.

Understanding My Language (ao3) - BurdenedWithPointlessPurpose bucky/clint E, 6k

Summary: Sometimes a different outlet is needed and over the last few months Clint has helped Bucky Barnes find one. How truly different is superhero work from vigilante work anyways? In their opinion not much. A similar mindset that has led them to a beautiful secret relationship. The kind where brooding is foreplay and arson is a turn on.

[chronotopes]

12.6.24

i want to get a needlessly expensive haircut so badly but convincing myself having gay little curtain bangs would fix me instead of making me worse is probably self-deluding on a deep level. i also want to buy a second cardigan thats identical to the cardigan i already own but in a different color, which is a little bit more practical and necessary. i just want to be able to ponytail my hair without hating how i look in the mirror and i hate having a Bare Forehead and i hate doing the stupid little Swoop that dates me straight to 2014. sigh. but also almost every time i change my hair i freak out jo march style and hate it. have been dealing with the consequences of the last time i tried to change something for like 8 months now. however long ago may was.

seeing friends tonight!!!!!!!! (at the very least mo + billie + rob + amara, others might show up.) seeing improv tonight, which i'm sure will have its moments and also its non-moments.

one day i need to publish an essay that isn't about stephen because right now i'm coming up on two for two. embarrassing really. if he could be around to do it he would mock my lack of range. anyway enough of that. throws up.

I'M NORMAL!!!!!

ekko astral is a good band and so is native sun and so is dim wizard even though we missed most of their set lmao

i really have no business feeling a Profound Emptiness In My Chest and Crying All The Time today i am literally seeing friends tonight and christmas is in 19 days even though were rather #peeved at jennys mom rn, and new years eve is in 24 days even though ivan and melinda won't be there and the party atmosphere will thus be rather subdued. and we're seeing another concert in the city a week from yesterday and hosting a party a week from today and making french onion soup tomorrow. and i'm rereading my favorite book faster than i've read any book all year. there is literally so much to not cry every day about. it's literally just The Agonies Of My Period lol. fucking skill issue

nobody besides me is blogging about the epic highs and lows of being rose wilder lane on tumblr.com except one of those 'have not interrogated these books from my childhood very strongly' little house people whos making wrong vibes-based claims about the little house authorship "controversy" (lol). "the style here is going rose vibes" how about the manuscript in Clearly Not Lane's Handwriting that extremely already exists. how does that factor into your feelings about stylistics. we can find the bits of the books that lane had the biggest most direct hand in because they are really obvious and, oftentimes, documented. wilder wrote and even sometimes published pieces that clearly have the little house dna. the broad shape of this collaboration is not a "mystery" that a Blogger on Tumblr needs to weigh in on and pick a side on, grow up

i wish there could be a tv miniseries about rose wilder lane. i would watch the hell out of that but i would only trust caroline fraser and the editors of the annotated pioneer girl and ann romines a team of underlings (including me, i could be an underling) to create it. there are so many riveting human stories in history and shes one of them but that doesnt stop her from being kind of a ~villain~ and it certainly doesn't make her the Secret Author of books with, once again, known and existing manuscripts that are not in her handwriting. how are you going to do stylistic analysis of two women who have extremely fucking extensive bodies of work and lived in the 19th/20th centuries. if it's shitty history when people do Authorship Controversies with shakespeare it's laughable about 20th century writers. girl the manuscripts!!!!

i distracted myself with a ~Special Interest~ or whatever the kids are calling it these days and successfully made myself less sad. yay!!!

[jamiedc-they-them]

Marvel OC #1

Aaron Johnson

Fandom: Marvel/Agents of SHIELD

Story: X Marks The Spot (Click here for the link to the story!)

Pronouns: He/Him

Short Bio: A boy born in New Orleans to a gunrunner, then sold off to HYDRA to try keep tensions between his father and them clear, Aaron has only ever known chaos and fighting. After being saved by SHIELD, he's drawn into a much larger and weirder world. He's given a chance to do some good in a life filled with bad. And maybe he'll even gain some friends and family along the way...

Personality: Aaron will have his witty comments, sarcasm being the main one. He's someone who is scared of love, but once you're in his heart, he'll fight tooth and nail for you. Any mistake he makes, he's on his own arse, in a constant state of atonement. He takes a while to warm up to most people. He's always ready for a fight, sometimes even accidentally starting them with his words. He wants a normal life for his friends and a happy ending for them but doesn't believe he'll get one nor deserves one himself.

Relationships with OG Team:

Daisy and Aaron Johnson

Daisy is Aaron's closest connection on the team. Daisy met him in the pilot, both being interrogated by Coulson. She saw parts of herself within Aaron, and so took him under her wing. She's always in his corner, fighting for him in any way she can. She's the older sister this time, she's sworn to herself to do a good job. To be a guiding light for him. She even gifts him her last name, to have him know he'll always have a home with her. In turn, he backs her up, no matter what. Best friends/Sibling Figures.

Jemma Simmons and Aaron Johnson

Aaron's second closest bond. Jemma has always been patient with Aaron. Allowing him to do things on his own time, and respecting his boundaries with needles and some parts of his history. She's always appalled by how Aaron was treated in life, and so does all she can to make him feel loved on this team, even being the first one to call him a friend. Jemma is the more rational and logical older sister. Making sure he doesn't drink too much, and always able to spot the signs of him relapsing. In turn, Aaron is more gentle with Jemma. More forgiving. Close Friends/Sibling Figures

Leopold Fitz and Aaron Johnson

While Fitz and Aaron don't have too many scenes together on their own, they have a solid friendship. While dealing with all the crazy shit they have to go through as a team, Aaron and Fitz ground each other. They talk about media they like, and other simple things to remind themselves of the real world. They tease each other. Ward is the one who calls out their brotherly nature, and neither denies it. Friends/Brother Figures.

Melinda May and Aaron Johnson

When May first met Aaron, despite her trying not to allow for connections, she was protective over Aaron. She comforted him when they both went with Skye to get Mike in the pilot. She hates her maternal side at first, but finds herself leaning into it the more the series progresses. She's got a sharp eye when it comes to him, especially with how he words things. She understands what he's trying to say, even when others don't. In 4a, she even goes behind SHIELD's back to make contact with Aaron, despite what he's done and his running away, to make sure he's at least alive and to try help him find some peace. She understands his self loathing and issues of trusting the self, so she does yoga with him sometimes. She's on a similar path that he's on, one of healing. He's one of her kids, and like hell is someone going to hurt one of her kids. Friends/Mother-Son Bond.

Phil Coulson and Aaron Johnson

Coulson was the first person Aaron ever spoke to in the pilot. Coulson had a professional look and sound to him, but he lets his guard down with Skye and Aaron, they are youngins after all. After bringing Aaron onboard his team, he tries to give Aaron a normal-ish life; comic books, late-night chats, and whatever else he can fit into the time on the BUS. As the series progresses, Coulson and Aaron talk to each other in more of a colleague sense, but anyone a mile away can see the parental love Coulson has for Aaron. He's highly protective of him. He's constantly holding a hand for Aaron to take to come back from his darkness. Aaron is loyal as hell to Coulson, even if he questions him as a leader. Friends/Father-Son Bond

Rebecca Sitwell and Aaron Johnson (another OC)

Rebecca and Aaron meet in "The Hub" episode. At first, they don't take too kindly to each other, but find a respect for one another as the mission progresses. After that, their bond improves, even into a friendship. They have a deep understanding with each other. Aaron shows Rebecca a world outside of SHIELD, and Rebecca keeps Aaron on the straight and narrow. They're good for each other. Even in their darkest moment within Season Three, they still care for each other. Rebecca even breaking the rules for Aaron. Close Friends.

[olderjodijournals]

Thursday, August 1, 2002

It ended up costing $30 to ship Paula’s package. Yeah, that’s all I’m doing for her for quite a while. I’ll do emails and monthly letters, but that’s about it. She should get the package in two weeks. I mean, it’s nice to know I’m doing this for someone who hasn’t got shit and probably never will, but what does she do for me in return? Not much. She bitches about the losers in her life, then lies about sending me mail. I’m not saying she should send packages herself, but a letter every now and then would be nice and more of a two-sided phone conversation would be nice, too.

Got 3 more letters from Mary, but since the envelopes weren’t numbered this time around, I don’t know if I’ll be typing the drafts that came in proper order. That’s okay, though, cuz I figure order’s not all that important right now. Right now we’re just gonna get the thing typed up. Then, once she feels she has enough, someone else can organize it. It’ll be a while, though, like I said, since we’re talking about 80-some-odd pages. As soon as I have enough to fill an envelope, I’ll get it off to her with another pic sheet. This time around, I just sent a letter, a pic sheet, and more parts of my book. She now has everything up to March.

I saw a documentary on prisons in India. Lately, they believe in “loving” their inmates, so to speak, as a way of rehabilitating them. Meaning, the guards hug them when they break down in tears. If only they had such a policy at Estrella when I was there! I’d have made damn sure I had something to weep about every time Palma and the bear worked! I told Mary about this, who no doubt got a kick out of it.

Mary says she’s really enjoying writing her book and is over a virus she had. She can’t wait to dye her hair fuchsia, which is now down to her waist. She’s growing her bangs out too, she says, which are now past her chin. Mine is still only just past my nose.

As I told her, I bitch about how much God’s cursed me, but trust me, he has blessed me as well. I’ll admit to that. He cursed me with the people I had for parents, yet he blessed me with the person who’s my husband. He cursed me with Nancy and blessed me with her! I don’t know which was worse, Nancy or Melinda. Meanwhile, she and Rosa were definitely the best, with Misha and Marilyn as their runners-up. I would’ve liked being cellies with Nancy I, too. Regardless of what she may or may not have done, she was quiet and a good listener.

Anyway, I really admire her attitude.

Hope was charged with 4 F2s and 4 F4s. She was found guilty of 8 counts of child abuse, but it was a hung jury as to the attempted murder charge.

Oh, so we have a near-baby killer here, huh? How can she cell with someone like that – ugh! And of course, no mention of it in the papers, she says. Yeah, I believe it. I couldn’t find anything online either. Like I said, those of us who are white and who have supposedly gone and picked on those poor, poor freeloaders for no apparent reason are much more entertaining to read about. If we all were the same color or an innocent child was involved – well – that’d be a different story, wouldn’t it?

I couldn’t find anything new regarding Idiot, either, whom she says had a fugitive hearing. She said she doesn’t know what that is, but my guess is it’s about his running from his AZ charges from the sound of it.

She says Chambers became a real cop.

So, she decided to take her badge to the streets, huh?

Vasquez left for Towers jail, but Jones, LaBorde (LaVoice), and Hudgens are still there.

Tom and I were talking about her doing things to hopefully please the judge. When he asked why I suggested you not put too much hope in the judge, I told him, “You should know why. Cuz judges just don’t give a shit, more often than not. Remember, most of them are high on power and control. They’re just gonna look at the said crime, whether it’s real or imagined, and judge them by that. They don’t give a shit about rough backgrounds or current efforts the person is making. After all, didn’t we watch a perfect stranger sit in judgment of me and decide my fate for the next 3 years before he even laid eyes on me?”

But we both agree, though, that she should do whatever works for her and whatever she feels is best. But I would do it for her. It’s like with losing weight. One has to lose weight cuz they themselves truly want to. Not for some lover, their parents, or friends. Who knows? In the end, she just may get one of those rare judges with a touch of compassion!

Friday, August 2, 2002

This morning was no fun. No, it was rather stressful. The original plan was to sleep from around 6 AM - 6 PM, then go see Scot, but come 7:00, I was still awake. Even after taking a Benadryl. That was when Tom got in with the groceries and we decided to get Scot out of the way before we both crashed and arrived at his place at 8:00.

I know it’s only words, but I am so sick and tired of hearing the same old shit from Scot. Every single time I see him he just has to comment on how much time I have left, and I’m thinking, dude, I don’t need any reminders!

Having a little over a year to go is better than 3 years, but the 15 months I have left is depressing enough to have to be reminded of and think about.

Then he goes and says, “I can’t even think of suggesting you petition for early release from probation because you have a victim in your case,” and I want to strangle him for referring to that sick black bitch as a victim! And why did he even have to bring this up in the first place when we already discussed and agreed a few months ago that I wasn’t going to bother to try to fight a losing battle by petitioning? Can’t I ever go in there and just get a “Hi, how you doing? Any changes? Ok, then, I’ll see you back here in two weeks.” After all, this is all I get when he comes to the house, so why not on his turf? I’m beginning to wonder if he gets off on the time reminders and by referring to “victims” who aren’t even victims. He’s got to know it bothers me. I mean, I’ve told him this, but no, he’s gotta go and have his say anyway.

And of course Tom just has to stick up for him, in a sense, by playing it down, saying he’s only trying to encourage me and I’m like, encourage me? How is this encouraging? It’s depressing to be reminded of how much longer I have to play this game and it’s infuriating to hear the black bitch called a victim.

I thought I was going to be tested today so I went with a full bladder. “I’ll speed up,” Tom said on the way back and I was like, “No! This is Arizona, you fool. I’d rather wet my pants than have you do 20 years for speeding. Wait till we hit the dirt roads.”

Oh, what those freeloaders do to me! The numerous ways they control me and my life from such a distance and the stress they put me through are un-fucking-believable. It really is.

On the way back, the neighbor waved to us. The grandmother. I only saw her for a second and wouldn’t have known who it was if Tom hadn’t said so. I wonder if she recognized Tom or if she just waved anyway like most people out here do.

I don’t know what’s worse – the home visits or going to him. The home visits are quicker, but I can’t plan my schedule around them like I can with the outside visits.

And another thing is that once again, there’s just one more thing we gotta do for the freeloaders. Always one more thing. Now he’s suggesting we go to the clerk’s office and get a receipt of what we’ve paid and what we still have to pay so they don’t try to say we owe more money than we do at the end. I agree that we should do whatever we can to protect ourselves, but I still worry about the end. If this bitch gets mugged and she doesn’t know who really did it, I’m afraid I’m gonna get blamed. I worry they’re going to try to either prolong the probation or charge me with something new. I still wouldn’t count on never hearing about the classes again, either. This system just cannot be trusted. It simply can’t be trusted. Tom can go and do this after work sometime by himself, then I wonder – what’s next? What else do we gotta do for these freeloaders?

Anyway, I told Tom to take all the freeloader receipts to the clerk. That way, if they try to pull a last-minute, half-assed attempt at trying to sucker more money out of us and say we owe a payment or two that we don’t, he can show them they’re full of shit. And I don’t think a lot of the “mistakes” are really mistakes like Scot says. I think that just like any other business in the world, they want to make an extra buck, and if they have to do some of it illegally or in a dishonest way – why not? I’m sure there are some people who could be easily suckered into believing they owe more money than they really do.

I’m so fucking sick of this world! And I’m even sicker of this ‘Minorities Rule’ trip we’re on. That is any minority that excludes Jews and gays, of course. So much so that if I could be a black at the snap of my fingers I would. Not only would it hide the zits and varicose veins better, but then I could just cry racism every time someone pissed me off and use the courts to fuck them over, but then again, I don’t know if I could be that vindictive and immature. I think I’d rather ignore them. I’m dead serious about this too, and I have to wonder, is there any place on earth where the laws aren’t so damn extreme? Here, the laws are so old-fashioned what with the way they give such outrageous sentences for the dumbest things, while at the same time, the laws favor and protect certain groups of people. Next thing we know, T-shirts saying things like, “If I’m black, kiss my ass” are going to be everywhere.

Tom was right when he said we have more than what’s been taken from us, but on mornings like today, it doesn’t always feel like that’s the case.

Well, the freeloaders may own some of our income, some of our time, some of our lives, but one thing’s for damn sure and that’s that they don’t have our weekends! Weekends belong to us! We don’t have to do shit for the freeloaders on weekends.

In this day and age, I don’t want to screw anyone over, don’t want to seek revenge, don’t want to control anyone – I just want others to stop controlling me! I expect others to treat me as I treat them, so if I’m going to leave them alone and ignore them, I want the same treatment in return.

Tom suggested I basically have an attitude saying, “I’m looking forward to moving on and putting this behind me,” when it comes to Scot.

I already tried that before with him and others, yet look where I am today. Still unable to get on with my life and put these freeloaders in the past where they belong. Every time I think we’ve shaken ourselves free of them, they’re there again.

See, I know probation’s more about money and control than anything else, though it’s supposed to be to see if you’re going to re-offend. For example, say I was truly guilty of “stalking” this bitch; do they really need a whole 2½ years to see if I’m gonna do it again? And why put Mary on probation when she’s released? Do they really need to see if she’ll once again neglect an already-dead baby?

Despite how fucked up people are and how mistrusting of others I am, I’m glad I didn’t walk away from Mary. I don’t know if we’ll be in each other’s lives forever, but for now, she’s a good friend and pen pal. She doesn’t just ramble on and on about her problems with guys or whatever. She also wants to know what’s going on with me. Our friendship is two-sided. I sometimes wish we were closer in age, but that’s ok. I was once 24 and someday Mary’s going to be 36.

In other news, it rained this evening harder than it has in a year, sending a 2” wide puddle by the bottom of the front door that’s not even 3 years old. It didn’t last long, though.

I wish I still had my Charlie’s Angels dolls, but not to add to my collection. I don’t think they even looked like them. However, they’d be worth a fortune by now.

Tom and I were talking about moving every 5 years to different places for variety’s sake. 5 years really is a long time to stay put when you think about it. We were at the Phoenix house for 6 years and it really did feel like quite a while, despite the shitty living conditions. Especially after I’ve had 4 apartments in Massachusetts, 1 in Connecticut, and 4 out here.

He suggested the possibility of Seattle or someplace where it’s cooler and it rains all the time. Well, rain, cold and snow would keep people in their houses more often, but with a leak curse on us, I don’t know if it’d be wise to go where it rains a lot. For every pro I can think of when it comes to moving to a particular place, I can come up with a con, too. Moving’s a bitch and I don’t know if Tom could necessarily find work just anywhere, but it is a fun idea. The more I think about it, the more I like it. Maybe we’ll have less trouble if we’re not in one place longer than 5 years, though it didn’t take 5 years of living in the Phoenix house for the shit to hit the fan.

But just where would we go? Certainly not to a city. In order to go where there are fewer off-brands, we’d have to head more toward the Midwest where it’s colder. In order to go to a more comfortable climate that’s stable year-round, we’d have to go where there were too many people (of all kinds.) Warmer climates have bigger bugs, yet colder places tend to have mostly old houses. We wouldn’t need bottled water in New England, but the weather there sucks. So whether or not we go to a cold climate, a rainy one, or a warm one, they’ll all have their pros and cons. One thing’s for sure, though, and that’s that if we ever did move to New England or a similar climate, I’ll never have to be alone and I’ll never have to play bus!

Let’s see, we’re overrun with Mexicans here, Cubans in Florida, and Puerto Ricans in the northeast. There are fewer blacks in Arizona than in Massachusetts, but still too many for comfort.

In New England, the laws are more reasonable, they don’t bash Jews and gays as much, and everyone doesn’t want to be on stage like they do here. They’re not as sensitive to criticism. On the other hand, with the exception of Steve, most of the finest people I’ve met have been out here, even if some of them were only in my life for a brief time.

So, no matter where we go there’s always gonna be problems as well as good things about the place. Now it’s just a question of, well, do we want to move just to be moving for the fun of it till and if we ever do settle on a boat?

Sunday, August 4, 2002

Weekends go too fast when you don’t have freeloaders just a few feet away from you. I wanted to sleep later than 9 PM so I could be up from 10 AM - 2:30 PM, prime freeloader time, but maybe I will be anyway. That’s what makes the house calls rather stressful. I just don’t know when to expect them. If someone told me he’d be stopping by Wednesday or Thursday, then I could relax and breathe a bit easier, knowing for sure I’d be up during those hours those days. See? God knows neighbors aren’t a potential sleep disruption anymore, so what does he do now that I’ve moved away from them? He brings the potential sleep disruption out here to me. If it isn’t in one form, it’s another. And if I’m ever off probation, the sonic booms will start up again. Or maybe someone will set up house in front and play the drums or an electric guitar with the doors and windows open all the time. There’s always got to be something threatening my sleep.

I’m not bothering with the hassles of encrypting journals anymore. Know why? Cuz I just don’t give a fuck anymore. If you don’t like something I may have to say about something or someone, then don’t read my journals. And don’t complain about it if you do. That’s all I’ve got to say on the matter.

Paula finally told me that it wasn’t that her license was suspended, but that she never even had a license to begin with. When I asked her why she said she just never got around to getting it.

Whenever she mentions coming out here I discourage her. She simply has no idea just how controlling a state Arizona is. The things they’re slapping her on the wrist for there would land her in prison out here. Prison, that is, not jail. Sicko Nancy K got a few years in prison for pig-slugging. Her Section 8 wouldn’t save her out here. They wouldn’t give a shit. Especially with her being white.

I figured out the shower leak. It’s not coming from inside the wall and he doesn’t have to bother tearing up the wall. It’s definitely coming from the base somewhere. When the water’s beating straight down into the shower stall, it doesn’t leak at all. But as soon as I aim it towards the doors, a leak appears at the front right corner. So the water’s seeping under the tracks and down out through that corner somehow.

Getting receipts to protect ourselves is a good thing, but as I asked Tom, what about Scot? Shouldn’t we be getting statements from him saying I haven’t missed any reports and that all my drug tests have been clean? If he woke up one day and decided to hate me, he could rip up the form I fill out upon reporting and say I skipped. And there’d be nothing I could do to prove him a liar, either.

Tom suggested we don’t do that cuz that’s saying we don’t trust him which could cause problems when I report.

Oh, yeah, that’s right. I forgot about that. Arizonans and their fragile little feelings. Why is everyone so damn caught up in what others may think of them? You wouldn’t think he’d give a rat’s ass what I thought about him or if I trusted him. How could it affect his life one way or another? I mean, why should Scot B give a damn whether or not Jodi S trusts him?

But Scot B does care. He cares deeply. Maybe he wouldn’t if he were in New England, but this isn’t New England. This is the southwest and my opinion of him matters greatly. It might not matter to him if I thought the world of him, but it sure as shit would matter if I thought anything negative concerning him. Sensitives are usually paranoid, too. He’s the type that would take most anything personally, so that means he’d also be the type to get the wrong idea about people easily. Let’s hope not in my case, cuz the only one that would end up suffering from any misunderstandings he may have is me, of course.

I still say I just might surprise myself someday and fight back against anyone that ever fucks me over the way I’ve been fucked over, and I just might get away with it, too. Especially since they’d deserve whatever I gave him. God can’t protect my perpetrators forever, can he? Would he?

Sure he could and sure he would and I should come back to earth, I know. I’m not fighting back next time. Why? Cuz every time I’ve ever tried to fight back against someone wronging me, it’s only made things worse. I’m not going to jail again, so no, I won’t fight back. I’ll just hope that whatever it is that’s being done to me isn’t too bad and that it ends soon enough. No, it’s not okay for Jodi S to fight back. It’s only ok for her to get screwed over and for her perpetrators to get away with it. Even so, I do not intend to be this bitch’s victim all my life! Someday my life will not revolve around her like it does most of the time now and has been since one very ill-fated day in March of ’96.

On the brighter side, I’m stunned to have learned that I can eat all I want, yet remain at the 124 pounds my body’s been obsessed with weighing since I quit smoking. All this time I thought that going over 1600 calories a day would cause me to continually gain weight till I maxed out at – 150 pounds, 200 pounds – who knows how much? Yet 124, the weight my body’s been most comfortable at for the last 5 years, is my max. I’ve been having 2000-2500 calories day after day after day and my weight never changes. I know a part of it is the exercise. Like I said before, you can’t usually lose weight through exercise, but you can maintain your weight with it. However, if I were suddenly having this many calories at 115 pounds, I would gain weight till I settled back in at the 124 pounds my body’s used to weighing. I could probably lose weight on as low as 1400 calories a day, but I’m not going to bother cuz I know how hard it’d be to keep the weight down. Just a few days of eating would put me back up to where I am. I’d have to keep my calories cut all the time, and yes, just one day a week off would hurt me. It’d undo all, if not most, of my hard work. So, rather than let myself go hungry, I think I can live with being 24 pounds overweight, or at least 14, in most people’s opinions. Especially when you consider the fact that most adults are 40-50 pounds overweight.

I know the working out has caused me to be smaller than I’d normally be at this weight.

Tuesday, August 6, 2002

It was exactly 6 weeks ago as of yesterday that Scot was last here. This is the first time since January that he’s gone over 6 weeks, even if it’s just a day over it so far, in between visits.

Yesterday I told Tom not to put my mail on the island if he comes home when I’m to be getting up between prime freeloader time. That way, jail mail wouldn’t be sitting right there if I happen to be just waking up when he knocks, and am coming out of the bedroom for the first time that day.

Then I thought about it and said to myself, fuck that shit! The freeloaders have controlled where I lived, what I wore, what I ate, and what some of our money was spent on, so now I’m supposed to let them control where my mail is placed? I don’t think so!

In other news, I finally got to take pictures of a rattlesnake! Yeah, I was in my office yesterday when I spotted it coming toward the house. Tom got to see it, too. Unlike the others who would run at the sight of me or the sound of doors closing, this one was pretty brave. I snapped a picture of it moving towards me alongside the house, and then, due to how dangerous these snakes can be, we ran into the house as it settled underneath the front stairs. Tom then opened one of the living room windows and popped the screen out so I could shoot pictures from there, but the only good one I got from there was of its head sticking out. I sent the two good shots I got in all to both Marys, one being by email, the other by regular mail, of course.

It was really weird how the prairie dogs came within a few feet of where it sat and neither one acted like they knew the other was even there. Perhaps that’s because the snake had just eaten. It sure was a fat one.

Mary sent me two more envelopes with quick letters and drafts. I can’t believe how much this girl is writing! She told me to tell her if she’s overwhelming me, but right now I’ve got the time. The only thing being neglected is the fine-tuning of my journals, but that’s okay. There’s no hurry or deadline on that one. I’m sure she’ll have her dry spurts again as soon as she’s got something going on. Right now there’s nothing going on, as she says. I take it she’s getting along with Hope cuz she hasn’t said anything.

Oh, Teddy Bear, how I wish you’d return to Estrella! If I stand the slightest chance, even if it’s one in a million, in getting an answer to why she ditched me, Mary’s my only hope. If she could just get back there before Mary leaves! I know this will never happen, though.

I still think of her every day and at this rate, I think I always will. I imagine scenes with her, like how it might’ve been both in and out of bed if we had been meant to be. I wonder things about her, like what is her name, etc.?

It isn’t doing it right now, but my hard drive (at least I think it’s the hard drive, though it could be a fan) has been making this God-awful screech that Tom says he can’t hear. When I asked how the hell he couldn’t hear it, he said it was cuz of the loud machines he worked around for so many years. It’s a wonder I’m not deaf myself after all the years of blaring music, but if it hasn’t hurt my hearing yet, it probably never will. Not as long as God wants me to hear things I don’t want to hear, though it’s been the quietest it’s ever been since we moved here. Since I’ve had the privilege of living here, I should say. Anyway, he’s going to take care of it later when he gets up. I swear, there’s always something. If it isn’t one thing, it’s another.

In order to keep my bangs, now to the tip of my nose, out of my face, I twist them, making dreadlocks, and clip them back with butterfly clips while my hair’s wet. Then it dries up and stays that way even without clips.

Wednesday, August 7, 2002

This is the driest, sunniest and hottest day we’ve had in a while. There’s been very little prairie dog activity cuz of the intense heat. They won’t come out till late afternoon.

I stuck a little fanlike thing in the ground. Last Christmas we got this gold aluminum candleholder with a fan with angels attached to it that strike these little bells when the heat of the flames rotates the candles. I took the angels and bells off and stuck the fan part out to watch it move in the wind. It looks pretty with the light reflecting off of it.

Got a 9-page draft from Mary with a quick note. Nothing’s going on. I’m now all caught up on her stuff and she’s now all caught up on my jailhouse story. Well, she will be as soon as she gets the mail I’ve got ready to go out to her.

Miss Didn’t You Get My Mail? should be getting my package in about a week if all goes well.

I had a memory from one of the summers we spent at the beach. I couldn’t have been more than 10. Tammy and I were at a nearby rental sitting out in the living room while this woman was in one of the bedrooms screaming at this little boy who I swear she was beating the shit out of. Her name was Gail and his name was Benjamin, I think. Anyway, this was back in a time and at a place where no one dared get involved. You simply kept your mouth shut and hoped for the best.

Thursday, August 8, 2002

I keep forgetting to mention that the PR cock Paula’s dealing with is so damn jealous and paranoid that he asked Paula if she was getting it on with Tom. I was like, yeah, right! All the way across the country she’s getting it on with my asexual husband! Hasn’t she told him that Tom’s white, not her cup of tea anyway?

She and I were talking about whether or not God favors man over a woman. Well, it’s rather obvious that he does. Look what we women go through with periods and what some go through carrying/delivering kids, not to mention the abuse most of us take from men. They say this has to do with Eve disobeying him. But what’s that got to do with us women now centuries later? See, if this story’s true, it goes to prove that God really would make a person pay for another’s sins, like Tom and I.

Tom fixed the squeak in my computer by tightening up screws, so now there’ll be a new problem any sec.

I love this Webshots site. I still have their software so I can download and export pictures, but I use a different wallpaper program. They have two new pictures a day. I wish it were more like 20 or 30, but at least they’re getting new ones regularly. All the other wallpaper sites hardly ever update their pictures.

I decided that so I could keep things in better order, I’d divide Mary’s stuff into 3 files. One for her clips from her preteen years, one for her teen years, and one for her adult years.

It’s amazing how we lived together in a tiny room for 9 days, barely knowing a thing about each other. Now, though, we haven’t seen each other in over a year yet we know each other rather well.

Here’s what I’ve learned about her through her book and letters: She’s a very sweet, compassionate person, yet she’s naïve and too trusting. Not so shocking, though, seeing that she’s only 24. I don’t think she’s attracted to abusive men in the way Paula and Tammy are, but she’s definitely cursed. Her parents were even worse than mine were, in a sense, and as you know, mine were quite terrible. Her father became your typical deadbeat dad and her mother abused her and her only sibling, Adam, 4 years older, verbally, physically and emotionally. The two were eventually sent away to boarding schools that I’m sure weren’t much better than Valleyhead. Then Mary’s had one abusive relationship after another with her mental and intellectual growth stunted by motherhood at just 15 years of age.

I can see where Mary’s being too nice, so to speak, as well as too trusting has gotten her in trouble. An example of that is that she handed her baby to an old lady to hold while she folded up the stroller to put in a waiting taxicab. Well, anyone with sense knows and would agree that even if it’s a frail, seemingly harmless old lady, you do not give your baby to a stranger.

Mary seems to be a very honest, non-contradicting person who keeps her word, yet she obviously has a poor sense of judgment at times. How she could have left her daughter home while she was at work to be killed by a man who had proven time and time again to be abusive towards her and her daughter, is totally beyond me. Even more beyond me is how she could’ve run off with him from Florida to Seattle after he killed her. She had already run with him from Arizona to Florida after he abused her son James, who was adopted, along with another son of hers named Andrew.

Other than leaving her daughter in the hands of a monster, Mary seems to have been very in tune with her daughter’s needs and a very loving mother. She also seems rather intelligent for her age, despite her hardships and becoming a mom so young.

Mary and Adam bonded in their 20s after all they’d been through. Except for their aunt Carolyn, it seems the whole family was crazy. Her firstborn, Murphy, lives with her aunt in Arizona. Mary has a boyfriend, Todd, whom she has told me is the opposite of her past boyfriends and her ex-husband Justin. He is said to be a very caring, supportive young man.

To my knowledge, Mary has never been sexually abused. At least not in the form of rape or molestation.

I will say that Mary has up and removed herself and her daughter Gretchen from abusive men a few times, but sadly, she’d always go back till one day it was too late.

She’s both a good and a not-so-good writer. She’s certainly better than I was at her age with her vocabulary and her descriptions, but she’s a little too descriptive. She spends an awful lot of time telling one quick event with lots of detail.

I restructure or reword sentences if I think they’ll sound better. I also correct any grammatical mistakes. Her punctuation is the worst. She never uses it. Occasionally she uses question marks, but all she uses for periods are commas. She never uses caps or paragraphs and she never uses quotes when people are speaking, either.

She also uses names too often and breaks people’s conversations up too much with descriptive stuff. Other than that, she’s doing alright and will improve with time.

She’s writing the story first-person, saying that she felt it was too impersonal to use an anonymous narrator. Yeah, I agree. I mean, I think first-person is especially better when it’s a true story cuz it’s more like a journal, only you’re telling the story after the fact rather than as it unfolds.

Unless she’s making it up to make the book sound better, I’m amazed at how detailed her memory is pertaining to events from her preteen years.

Later…

Tom brought home a manila envelope with a letter sheet, plus 49 pages of drafts. Guess I’ll go get working on that now.

Another few hours and my life belongs to me for a good 72 hours. It’s all mine! Mine and Tom’s.

Later…

Scot came at 1:10, and as usual, he was in and out like a flash like I wish I could be when I see him on his turf. I spotted his SUV, which fortunately, comes from a direction I can see from my office window without having to be right up to it as I would if he came the way he leaves. I ran out front before he could knock and wake up Tom, who’d gone to bed an hour before.

I feel a lot more relaxed after he leaves from a home visit, cuz then I know I can count on him not bugging me here at least for a while. So we went 6 weeks and 3 days between visits time around. Maybe next time it’ll be 6 weeks and 6 days! He skipped June, but I doubt he’ll skip September cuz he came so early in the month. It’s only the 8th, but when he came in May it was the 24th. He’d have to not come by for at least 7½ weeks in order to skip September. If his visits really ever do start slowing down to where there are usually 8 or more weeks between visits, it probably won’t be till after I get down to one year left of this shit. I don’t know, though. Arizona is such a serious state. He may play this up right on to the end. He’s gonna play up the seeing him twice a month part of it, but I know that for the most part, he’s just a PO. He doesn’t have much control, power or authority when it comes to the laws. He’s just doing what he’s told to do whether he wants to or not and regardless of whether or not he thinks it’s necessary. As Tom says, it’s a matter of his having a quota he has to meet, as well as if there’s someone new in the area on probation, making it convenient to stop here. I don’t see how there can be that many people in the area, though, whether or not they’re on probation. Remember, this isn’t the city!

He’s a bit rude, though, and not very bright when I think about it. I know Tom’s a heavy sleeper who can easily fall back asleep and that he isn’t leaving tonight till midnight, but he knew I was standing out there to keep him from waking up. Yet as soon as we stepped inside his walkie-talkie squawked really loud before he turned it down. Couldn’t he have turned it down before he got inside?

When I went out front to pick up a couple of aluminum cans the slobs of Maricopa let blow in, I noticed a car parked in front of the shack that I couldn’t see from the house. I’ve seen them move stuff in and out of the shacks a couple of times, but this was just sitting there. To my knowledge, all they use the shacks for is storage, so maybe they’re storing this old car there, too. I mean, why not? They have an old ugly trailer on the other corner. The front of their property is definitely neater and nicer looking than the back. I want to landscape the side they’re on, but not as much as I want to in back and in front. Especially when there’s a house in front.

Friday, August 9, 2002

In a week or two we’ll be closing out our Tempe PO box and opening one in Maricopa. Should I bother giving it to Paula in case she decides to ever write for real? Well, it’ll be on the return so she’ll have it anyway.

Both the prairie dogs and the rabbits lay down nestled up against the water bowl at times. It’s so cute. I got some more pictures, including a couple with the prairie dogs climbing the little tree out front, and I updated my wildlife album. I also sent Mary the link to that album so she can see the new additions. I printed a picture sheet out for the other Mary, too.

Tom said that the car by the shacks is an old junker that nobody drives and that it’s been there for a week.

I don’t know why, but today I was pleasantly surprised to see that they had a whole page full of new wallpaper thumbnails. I got a few new ones. I usually get some every day between Webshots and the community Webshots sites.

With my piggy bank money on 9/1, I had planned to get Jewel, the last of 3 dolls in one of the fairy series I don’t yet have (unless Tom wanted it for something for him like socks, shorts, etc.), but I only have a little over $12. If these discount coupons are any good, then I need at least $17. So, if Tom doesn’t want the money, I’ll get her as soon as I save up $6 more. I’m definitely going to wait till we take classes to decide where and when to get the two vinyls I want. I’m also going to wait till we have a truck before I go getting the palm tree for the corner in the dining area.

With my birthday and Christmas money, the things I want most, unless I see something better, will easily fit into the amount I’ll be getting, and that’s the tree, the two vinyls and Amelia. Amelia’s really grown on me. She’s not usually what I go for, either, cuz she’s a blond, blue-eyed Victorian. I hate most Victorian dresses cuz they’re so frilly, but this one’s not too bad. It’s light pink with lace and rosebuds. She wears a nice pendant and has an awesome face. Her eyes are pretty realistic looking. A lot like Bailey’s. She also has yellow-blond hair, which is something I don’t really have. Most of my blondes are dark blondes. Wheat blondes, you could say. She’s 22” and is normally $40 and is by Donna Rubert. She comes with a working parasol, too.

Maybe I’ll be able to squeeze a rat mug and a mouse pad in there, too. Of course, I also wouldn’t mind an electric razor, and I really wouldn’t mind a coffee grinder.

We’re now pretty sure that the leak in my shower is in the wall. When we first got the house, the sink in the second bath leaked as well as an area underneath the house that the lazy Mexicans just couldn’t take the time to tighten all the way. Well, we’re thinking this is the same case that slowly loosened up over time. Fortunately, though, these wallboards are easy to remove. Tom offered to call Palm Harbor since the house is under warranty, but we agreed that if we deal with it, it’ll get done right. I don’t want some illiterate Mexican out here that doesn’t even know its own language let alone English, making things worse and wasting our time.

Again, I am so sick of this leak curse and I am so sick of us always having to deal with other people’s incompetence!!! Why are so many people so damn stupid???

Saturday, August 10, 2002

So many of today’s singers sound the same. Whatever happened to individuality and originality? You know, singers like Stevie Nicks and Cyndi Lauper? Ok, so Stevie couldn’t sing all that well and Cyndi could be obnoxious, but at least they were unique. I like different, but most of the world doesn’t. You know how it is with most people; we all gotta dress the same, act the same, do the same things, etc.

I wish they’d make ACs that really are temperature sensitive instead of just claiming that they are, but the damn thing doesn’t come on more often the hotter it gets or come on less often the cooler it gets.

Well, I still don’t feel the need to have sex with anyone. Meaning, I don’t feel anything either way. I’m rather indifferent to the idea, but if an opportunity presents itself that interests me, I might go for it. I’m not gonna necessarily stay celibate all my life simply cuz he doesn’t have any desires. That wouldn’t be fair to me any more than it’d be fair of me to insist he never watch another basketball game again because basketball doesn’t interest me, too. I don’t see it ever happening, but if I ever met a woman I was attracted and it was mutual – well – if I could just get her to come to the house, then who knows? I’ll leave it to fate as far as who, if anyone, I ever have sex with again. If he suddenly grew interested and hit me for sex, then I’d feel obligated to give it to him whether or not I wanted to because that’d be my duty, so to speak, as his wife, wouldn’t it? If not, then I guess we’re both free to do whatever we want. Whether or not we ever got it on again with each other, though it seems we’ve settled into being more like loving friends, I would prefer not to meet anyone new cuz meeting new people usually means it was done under some pretty uncool circumstances. Something bad would have to happen for me to meet someone I was attracted to, regardless of whether or not Tom and I are platonic, and it hardly seems worth the 20-second orgasm.

It’s still so weird, though, even to this day, just how screwy our past sex lives were for the most part. What’s even weirder is how he’d react to my being turned off. You’d think that that’d make a man a bit more self-conscious and eager to change to both please the woman and to prove themselves a man like they love to do, but not Tom. Instead, he seemed rather amused by it all. It’s like he got a kick out of seeing me feel like a fool, or when I’d be embarrassed for him, or just totally turned off. This is partly why I think some of it was intentional. It was like my displeasure was his pleasure.

In case I didn’t mention it before, I went out by where the trailer was and beat the sticks into the ground that were used as grave markers. I decided to just throw the not-so-special animals into the brush when they die. The wildlife will gobble them up in no time. As for the special ones, they get buried closer to the house, though there’s no saying that the wildlife won’t dig through to them.

Though it’s been quiet today, we’re pretty sure the cause of the computer squeaking came from the power supply box, so Tom’s going to replace it sometime.

I may put off dying my hair for a year or two when I go to trim it cuz it’s really fried my hair. Dye and perms are the worst things you can do to your hair.

Got my weekly photo album statistics and now one of the rat albums is in the lead.

Sunday, August 11, 2002

Since today’s the first day in a while that I don’t have anything of Mary’s to type, I think I’ll spend most of the day fine-tuning the ’94 file which is the one I’m currently working on.

Tom put a quieter power supply box in my computer and refilled my ink cartridges.

Damn those mother-fucking freeloaders! Aaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!! I want to take a nap now, but they won’t let me. They own me, after all, even on the weekends. Because of them, I need to keep my schedule on days so we can report early when it’s cooler. If I crashed at 2 PM, I’d be up between 6-8 PM, then wouldn’t go to bed again till tomorrow morning, the time I want to be getting up.

Well, maybe someday my life will belong to me and every damn thing I do won’t revolve around the black bitch in some way. Then again, God will just appoint me a new tormentor.

Monday, August 12, 2002

Oh, I am so incredibly sick of Paula’s rudeness and not doing what she says she’ll do! I ask her a simple little thing like to call and leave a message if no one answers as soon as she gets the package to let me know what she thinks and if everything got to her in one piece, and instead, I learn from Justin that it came. But that’s all he said. Not one thank you, not one comment about it – nothing. How could asking her to call when she got it be such a hard thing to do and why is she so ungrateful? I didn’t have to spend the time and money on her that I did. I just thought the stuff would do better with her than sitting in the closet here. But do I get even the slightest bit of appreciation for it? No, of course not. I can’t even get a lousy little phone call! I’m so done with this self-centered girl who’s got nothing better to do than bitch about her man problems and lie about mail she’s sent. As soon as I can get ahold of her to settle my own curiosity as to whether or not anything broke along the way, we’re done. We’re so done. No more calls, no more letters. I’ll respond to emails and I’ll answer the phone if she happens to call when I’m up and not busy, but that’s about it. I’m not writing her and I’m not calling her other than to find out about the package. Enough of this one-way friendship!

Later…

Just got a hold of Paula. I woke her up since it was only 6:15 there, but I figured I probably wouldn’t get a hold of her so easily once she was awake. By then she’ll be fighting with her men. Although I know better, she says she’ll call later. Meanwhile, she got the package and nothing broke, so that’s good, even if I didn’t get a “thanks” from her either.

Now she’s free to go to jail.

Thursday, August 15, 2002

Justin and Paula left me another message shortly after I last wrote. All she wrote was that she liked the stuff and that she’d call me, but sure enough, she never did. Tom suggested that maybe she was too broke to afford a long-distance call and was too embarrassed to admit it, but I think she simply didn’t feel like calling. She’s just one of those who says she’s going to do things she doesn’t do.

Meanwhile, I told her I wasn’t going to keep spending money on paper, envelopes, ink and stamps when I can simply email her my journals on a monthly basis. Whether or not she remembers to check for them and whether or not the kid lets her know they’re there if she doesn’t, is a whole different story.

Speaking of mail, Mary’s still bombarding me with drafts. Damn! I didn’t think she’d ever write this much. What sucks is that she got a rejection slip for 3 letters due to excessive pictures. But I didn’t go over the 5 picture limit, so they’re either sending them back cuz I sent too many envelopes’ worth at once, or maybe they’re counting the picture I use for address labels as an extra picture. I don’t know. I’ve mailed multiple picture envelopes before with picture labels, so as Mary said, maybe there’s someone new in the mailroom. I’ll just make sure from now on not to send her pictures till she’s had enough time to get previous ones.

While I don’t care the least bit for her exes, her parents, or her father-in-law, I admire her mother-in-law for having the balls to admit her son is the monster that he is. Most parents wouldn’t admit that about their kids even if it were true.

I agree with her suggesting she get an abortion only because being broke and on the run from a madman seems like no time to be having a baby. Also, there is scientific proof suggesting that if a child is born to someone with more aggressive genetics, then there’s a higher chance that it too, will grow up to be aggressive. She tried to point this out to her but had it been me in her shoes, though, I’d have gone with the fact that I was homeless and not financially set. That would’ve been plenty enough reason for me to get an abortion, even if I wanted a kid. Sometimes one must follow their head and not their heart and do what’s best, even if it’s not what they want.

However, I disagree with her not sending her to Mexico like she asked her to. Actually, I think she should’ve sent her to a country with no extradition treaty. Especially if she had the means to do so which she apparently did. That’s what Tom and I plan to do if I’m ever framed again. We’re just gonna skip the courtroom altogether next time around and book it to a non-extradition country, even if that means leaving our possessions behind and the people we know. Most of the major countries do extradition, so it’d more than likely be a small country.

I got some excellent prairie dog pics the other day. I managed to get just a couple of feet away from one of them that was munching on the popcorn I gave it. The pictures were so close and so clear you could see its whiskers. They’re getting so brave, too. Now they come running up to me when I go out there. They’re braver than the Rat Runner and Little Ratsy. Even the rabbits are braving up to me.

Yesterday was Mary’s birthday so I emailed her the prairie dog pictures and wished her a happy birthday. I think she’s 47 now.

I didn’t weigh myself today, but I was down from 126 to 123 pounds as of yesterday. Maybe this diet of having just under 1400 calories, which is a million times easier than trying to stick to 1000 calories, will make me lose a little weight after all. Not much, but maybe 5-10 pounds. I think that in order to get under 110-115, I would have to have around 1000 calories, but I’m not going to put myself out like that, like I said before, just to lose weight that’ll only come right back.

All week it’s been miserably hot. Sunny and clear, too. Tom said that since the end of the monsoon season brings cooler weather; that’s a sign saying there are more monsoons to come.

But when? It’s already mid-August.

I’m a bit nervous right now as I always am before seeing Scot. I just never know what to expect. I could go in there and be told I’m under arrest for killing someone in Japan for all I know, or he could mention the classes again. I asked Tom if he thought they just hadn’t gotten around to checking into the class bullshit and getting back to Scot, or if they deleted it, and he said he thinks they just don’t care and that they were just doing their job. Well, someone obviously cared enough to order it, but hopefully he’s right and the worst I’ll be in for tomorrow is the usual – him telling me how much time I have left or telling me that he wouldn’t even think of considering suggesting I try to get off probation early because I have a “victim” in my case. If he doesn’t test me tomorrow, then who knows when he will? That’s the least of my worries, though.

It figures that two days this week Tom was out during the first two hours of the day which he normally shows up right after he just did. Am I ever going to get my chance to say “no” to anything connected to these damn freeloaders? Of course not. I’m sure he’ll never again come by when Tom’s out, and I know he won’t come by when we’re both out. I just can’t believe he hasn’t woken me up since February!

Anything’s better than sitting in a jail cell with Melinda B, but I just think it’s sad that I have to see him so often. It’s so, so unnecessary, and of course, another reminder of the freeloaders and what they’ve put me through, not that I could forget if I wanted to. So rarely do I get the privilege of seeing him just twice a month. I saw him on the 2nd, then the 8th, and then tomorrow which will be the 16th. That’s once a week for 3 weeks! And all for what?

Last night I noticed a big truck with flashing red lights by the rental that I thought was an ambulance, but it sat still for several minutes, then it pulled into the street for a few more minutes, then backed up to the house, then a second later it pulled up a few feet, cut its lights, and just sat there. It’s still there, too. It looks like a fire truck, but I can’t say for sure. Tom said that emergency vehicles flash red and blue lights and not just red, so maybe it’s a tow truck of some kind. I don’t know, but it’s so ugly. I can’t wait till we don’t have to see them anymore, though that’s going to be such a long time from now.

So now they’ve got a red truck to add to the navy SUV and white van. It seems most of Maricopa owns at least 3 vehicles of some kind. I’d be willing to bet we’re the only ones with just one around here.

A few days ago my computer was completely unbootable. I had Tom give me a quieter power supply box that was fucked up and corrupted some programs I have. One of the fans was fucked up, too. See what I get when I try to fight noise? Anyway, he fixed it for me.

I’ve been making some posters. I decided my office was due for a change, but that’s not the only room I’m decorating. I’m also putting some in the bedroom. On the closet door, the retreat door and the bedroom door. I’m going to do a big one to put in the den and maybe even one for the utility area. I’m using my wallpaper pics for them. Things like waterfalls, dogs, cats and other scenic pics.

I decided I might not bother learning to paint a black slip by making a black doll in class. Regardless of whether or not I think they’re assholes, black is just not my favorite. I don’t like overly pale skin or overly dark skin. I like it somewhere in between. So, maybe I’ll see if I can do some of the dolls I’ve been wanting for a while now like Donna Rubert’s Chyna or Linda Mason’s Alexa. Or maybe I’ll do either sweet 16 Bailey or a small, green-eyed version of Jade. I saw a picture of Bailey at 16, and yup, it sure did look like an older version of my toddler Bailey.

The original plan was to order Jewel on the 1st, but I’ve changed my mind. See, I only wanted her cuz I thought her foot accents looked really cool, but instead, I made my own on the Fairy of Cork. I painted gold chrome bands around the tops of her feet, with lines extending downwards in front. Then I glued 3 small mint green heart-shaped jewels on the tops of her feet, close to where her leg starts. It looks way cool.

Now I can save up enough change to get that Amelia doll that’s really grown on me. I won’t be ordering her in September, though. Hopefully October, but whenever I can is when I will.

I don’t know if they’ll be open after Scot gets done running its mouth about the same old shit, but we’re going to stop at the PO here in town and see if we can open a box there. We’re curious to see how the mail service is there. Especially when it comes to receiving dolls! And I highly doubt Amelia will be out of stock.

Friday, August 16, 2002

Yesterday I was surprised to receive an email from the dentist thanking me for sharing my albums which the staff liked. I didn’t expect any email. Especially since it’s been a while since they checked out the albums.

It definitely is an old fire truck they have back there that’s a collectible. It’s so fucking ugly to have to see, too. It really stands out. Again, though, better seen than heard. An eyesore’s always better than having my ear assaulted with thumping bass.

It’s so damn hot out there right now that there’s not much animal activity. Around 6:00, though, it’s quite a farm out there with the prairie dogs, rabbits and birds.

Last night I was so damn nervous about reporting. I kept telling myself, you’ve been out over a year and nothing’s happened yet. This should be easy for you.

But it’s not. When it comes to dealing with the law, you just never know what to expect. Well, I know I certainly don’t. For all I know, I could walk in there one day and Scot could say to me, “The “victim” got mugged. I think you did it. You’re under arrest.”

Anyway, speaking of the sorry black bitch herself, he never mentioned her. Not even a word about how much time I have left! And to further shock us, he was even friendly today. Usually, he’s just polite, but he was actually quite perky today. I’ve never seen him so talkative and relaxed. It was the least serious I’ve ever seen him be. He started off by saying he’d never seen us “kids” out so early, but we were just two weeks ago. Then the talk turned mostly to cars. We told him that the main reason we were out early was to beat the heat since we agreed to forget about fixing the AC and just get an old truck to fix up.

“Know anybody with a piece of shit?” I asked him.

Then he said his mother was in an accident that totaled her car, though fortunately she wasn’t hurt, and is looking for a new car.

As I figured, he said he was from Arizona when I asked.

“Never lived anywhere else,” he said.

When I mentioned the 3 states I’ve lived in, he said the west coast must really differ from the east coast.

“Oh, yeah,” I told him, “but they both have their pros and cons as with any place.”

Arizona’s pros are its beautiful landscape, the more modern buildings, the prairie dogs, and the lack of severe cold, snow and humidity.

Its cons are the harsh, unfair laws, the big, year-round bugs, the bleachy-tasting tap water, and the way most houses are so close and apartment walls are too thin.

New England’s pros are its tap water and the fact that the laws are much more reasonable, including more rights/protection when it comes to Jews and gays. The laws tend to be fairer as far as not favoring certain groups of people. Also, the people aren’t as sensitive and vindictive. In Arizona, they’re quicker to take more things personally. Being liked and accepted is more important to most people out here.

Its cons are its cold, humid, snowy weather, the mosquitoes, the old ugly buildings and the high cost of living.

I just saw a couple of prairie dogs playing. I can tell the difference when they’re playing like rats versus fighting like mice.

Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I don’t have to report for 3 whole weeks since there are 5 weeks in August. I didn’t think there’d be 3 weeks between reports till November. Since he recently came to the house, I can relax, enjoy life and have it all to myself for 3 whole weeks!!! What a wonderful treat that is! I sure do feel a lot more relaxed than I did last night and this morning! Now I don’t have to worry about schedules or anything. Not for a while, anyway.

After going to the bathroom at Circle K (now I have no clue as to when he’ll test me) and getting some snacks, we went to the post office. They have boxes available, but first they want proof of our physical address, so Tom will take care of that soon enough.

All the crashing I was doing cuz of the faulty fan and processor did corrupt a few pages in the 1994 journal I’m currently working on, but I was able to replace it with a backup, so that’s good.

I went to brush dust balls out of Maria’s hair and it wasn’t very easy. Talk about a shitty wig! I couldn’t get a comb through it to save my life. So, I decided to braid it so it’d be easier to dust, but because it’s so curly, it was hard to braid. Finally, I decided to cut it. I didn’t mean to cut it all the way up to her shoulders, but it adds variety since I don’t have any dolls with shoulder-length hair, and it actually looks kind of cute. It frames her face nicely. Also, her hairstyle doesn’t matter that much cuz she’s got a sheer black and gold veil over it.

Other than that, I changed both the rats’ and mice’s cages, and that’s pretty much it. Unless I counted wrong, I’m two days late for my period, which is rather unusual for me. At least I can’t be pregnant!

Just like I couldn’t wait to get MP3s, I can’t wait to make dolls and get more of the dolls I’ve been wanting for a long time now. I also think it’d be neat to add a blue-eyed blond Joy, a green-eyed redheaded Joy, and a black Joy to my Indian Joy. My Indian Joy has a short dress on, so I think I’d do one of the others in a long dress, one in shorts, and one in long pants.

I printed out a large pearl-colored dewy rose and put it on the side of the bar in the kitchen and it goes so well with the whitewash.

Saturday, August 17, 2002

Well, someone’s playing music out there tonight. I could hear a few faint beats when I was in the bedroom, but I couldn’t say where it was coming from. That’s nothing compared to the sounds of A Tower – ugh! I do not miss it! But I know it’s only a matter of time before I’m once again held prisoner someplace I don’t want to be. There were the camps, Brattleboro, Valleyhead, a few days at the Springfield crisis center, a handful of noisy apartments, a noisy house, jail – what’ll it be next? And when? How long will I get to live in peace in a place I’m happy in before I end up in some shitty, chaotic place I can’t even hear myself think in?

You know, it may sound funny, but I was crying a bit last night when I thought of Houdini. I mean, I knew he was going to die sooner or later, and with Little Buddy and the time that’s gone by, it’s not that I miss him, but it’s the circumstances connected to him. You know, those freeloaders that relate to just about every single event in my life that’s gone on for the last 6 years. He’s just one of the millions of things they’ve had a hand in. The day I was sentenced, that was it for me and Houdini. Tom got to have him for 6 more months, but for me, it was over.

I still miss and think of Teddy Bear too, of course, going back and forth in my mind between wondering why she ditched me, to intimate thoughts of her. I couldn’t get it on with just any woman simply because they’re women, though. I have to be attracted to them. Hopefully, though, I won’t know anyone ever again long enough to become attracted to them in the first place. I’d rather a life of celibacy if Tom and I are gonna remain platonic.

It’s like each curse the freeloaders put on me led to another. First they had me thrown in jail for absolutely no reason at all other than that I was a complaining Jew, and as if that’s not bad enough, I had to go and fall in love and in lust with someone who led me on and broke my heart. She knew I liked her and I knew she liked me, so what happened? I still think it was the combination of the distance, the being married, and her meeting someone in between.

Still, I have to wonder ��� did she actually end up doing me a favor? Would things have been worse if we had gotten together? Would we have been just friends or would we have become part-time lovers and would I have felt guilty if we had? Well, perhaps it really is a good thing I’ll never know! The only thing I know that couldn’t have happened is that I wouldn’t have traded in Tom for her for a million bucks and then some.

I’m now up to a total of 305 photo album viewings. The rats are in the lead with 57 viewings of the first one and 27 of the second one. The two Mice albums have 46 and 10 viewings. Assorted Pets has 8, Our Wildlife has 37, Our Land has 54, and the 3 doll albums have 18, 23, and 24.

At 9:00 Tom and I ran up to Circle K for some snacks. It was still quite hot out. As we were returning he pointed out how invisible our house is when there are no lights on and it’s true. Unless the moonlight is really bright, you could drive by it and not even know it was there.

Sunday, August 18, 2002

There was a big electrical storm a couple of evenings ago, but as usual, it missed us.

As dull as our land is compared to by the mountains, it’s so beautiful. Yes, Arizona’s best quality is its landscape as its worst are its laws. New England’s best is its bigger, more spread out houses and its worst is its weather.

Sometimes I get the feeling Tom’s not truly happy with me. When Paula asked if he got clingy in fear of losing me to Teddy Bear, I told her no and that he didn’t show any signs of being insecure or worried about losing me to her, and I always assumed it was because he didn’t mind if she and I got it on if that’s what I wanted. But could it be that deep down he was hoping I’d ditch him for her, figuring it’d be easier that way than to dump me? Could it really be that he’s simply putting up with my existence? If I asked him if he were happy with me, I don’t know if I’d get the truth only because he’s quicker to admit something he does want than he is to admit something he doesn’t. If Tom S says he’s against something, he is. If he says it’s something he likes or wants, then maybe it’s true and maybe it isn’t. That’s why I have to go by his actions rather than his words, but one has to do that with just about anybody. Actions really do speak louder than words.

My only complaint lately is his snapping at me. Maybe he doesn’t mean to come off as a grouch or realize he’s doing it, but this has been going on for a while now and it really bugs me. He comes off as defensive, annoyed and impatient when answering my questions or responding to statements. I’ve made it clear to him how I feel about this, but it hasn’t changed anything, though I’ll admit he’s been pretty mellow today, talking in casual tones. Well, I’d rather be with him and have him snap at me than leave, even if I had the means to do so and to fend for myself. It’s only a tone of voice after all and I know things could be worse. It’s not like he’s taking swings at me or smashing our stuff. Then I don’t know what I’d do. All I know is that I’m not Paula or Tammy who thrive on and get off on abuse. They love abuse and to be called names and swung at. It’s mostly cuz they’re sympathy junkies who also love to wallow in self-pity.

Monday, August 19, 2002

It’s nice to have a break from Mary’s stuff so I can catch up on my own shit. I fine-tuned more of ’94 and printed out what I’ve done so far. I decided to quit the fine-tuning of when I go to jail, so this means I printed out all of ’01 and what I’ve done so far of ’02. So I’ll work my way up from mid-’94, which is where I’m at now, to October 30th of ’00.

Little did I know when on October 29th of 2000 I said that tomorrow was my “final round” with those freeloaders! Boy, was I wrong! I couldn’t have been more wrong if I tried! In a sense, that was just the beginning. Far from the end. I’m still far enough from the end and like I said, it feels like I’ll never shake free of them. Like I’ll always be counting freeloader time down.

Yesterday evening was windier than it had been in a week, and today while I slept, it drizzled for a minute, according to Tom, who did a lot of straightening up in his office (finally), but still no serious rain.

Mary L replied back saying she liked the foot accents I did on the Irish fairy. She’s also glad she lives where she lives so she doesn’t have to worry about wild creatures. Speaking of which, I got a cute shot of a prairie dog peeking out from under a trench it dug under the water bowl.

I was doing okay for a while there, then Teddy Bear started eating at me again for the millionth time. Oh, how I miss her, and oh how I long to be in her arms getting to know her, getting it on, etc! Being attracted to her was one thing like I was with Palma, but did I really have to go and fall so in love with her too, to make matters worse?! Who knows? Maybe when I’m 40 I’ll be over her. God must not want me to have any answers as to why she blew me off or else she probably wouldn’t have left Estrella. Mary’s my only hope of getting the chance to find out anything if she’d just get her ass back in there before she leaves! Maybe I’ll see if she can find out what the usual deal is as far as where DOs work, for how long, and what the odds are of them ever returning to a place they once worked at.

I think back to the time she told me she didn’t want me to feel slighted when she told me to wait a year before writing to her. Well, how does she think I felt when I got no response to my letter? Doesn’t she know that if I didn’t care about her contacting me I wouldn’t have bothered writing her in the first place?

Well, since I’m sure I’ll be back working again for Mary tomorrow, I’m going to go work for myself now.

Tuesday, August 20, 2002

Mary sent one envelope with a quick note and some drafts, and I got the 3 envelopes back. From now on I’ll send one picture sheet at a time. God, this world is so hell-bent on rules and control! I mean, who fucking cares how many pictures they get? Why do people make such big deals out of nothing? It’s only pictures!

Tom and I were just talking about how nice it is to be on the same wavelength as far as what we want to do in life goes. I mean, I know I’m going to be the main dollmaker, but he’s so into it with me and that’s cool. I can tell this by the way he’s been bringing up the subject on his own, doing research, etc. He doesn’t try to steer clear of the subject or make excuses. He’s been putting his actions where his mouth is on this one and that’s cool. Not that we can’t do things that the other isn’t into at times. He doesn’t have to like the same music I like and I don’t have to like the same shows he likes, but when it comes to more serious goals and dreams, mutuality is nice. Not that being married to him isn’t worth it, but it’s tough when we disagree on big things, cuz then we have to try to figure out who should get their way. This is just my personal opinion, but I’d always try my best to encourage him if he wanted to get into something I didn’t. If it wasn’t anything that could harm either one of us in any way, I would feel obligated to support the one I love.

I didn’t want to be a singer for very long after we met, so it didn’t really matter that that wasn’t mutual and although things worked out for the better and I’m glad we never had a kid, his not supporting me when I did want one was wrong. Again, this is just me, but I think he should’ve been blunt up front and stayed that way if he was sure he didn’t want a kid, or if he did, he should’ve gone to a therapist and tried to fix his problem (not 3 years later). Instead, he made vague references about not wanting one in the beginning, then changed his story to sound good to me while his actions would totally go against his words, as he’d make one excuse after another. Never should you lead a loved one on and say you’re going to do something you don’t that you know is important to them.

Anyway, hopefully we’ll both have learned from the past, and hopefully, if I decided I wanted to open a restaurant, though I can’t imagine why I ever would, he’d be there to support me even if he disagreed with it, just as I’d be there to support him if he decided he wanted to get a bunch of smelly horses that’d eat up a great deal of our time and money. Sure I’d bitch about it along the way, but who the hell would I be to stop him? And who the hell would I be to string him along, make excuses, and not do what I said I was going to do? Hopefully, we won’t ever again be faced with non-mutual goals/dreams, but if we are, we are, and we’ll have to support each other. One doesn’t have the right to play God with the other’s dreams. And one’s only choices shouldn’t have to be to either give up what they want or leave the person.

I was watching an old Law & Order show. The DA was saying that a certain sentence was too harsh and to go to someplace like Arizona if they thought they wanted to impose such a sentence. Not New York, one of the most tolerable places. Yeah, I’m not surprised Arizona was mentioned. Arizona, the state that tolerates absolutely nothing but hatred towards Jews and gays.

You know, I gotta wonder about that black bitch and her sick cock. I mean, I have a feeling I’m not the first one they’ve used their black pig pal to drag into court out of spite, revenge and hate. And surely I couldn’t be the last. Just like there’s no such thing as a one-time rapist, these aren’t the kinds of people that would use and abuse the law against someone they’re pissed off at just once. If any decent lawyer or judge could set aside the “poor, poor minority” attitude this state’s so hooked on, and do a little digging, they may be surprised to see a frightening pattern when it comes to any of these freeloaders. The question is, would they want to see it? That’s the real question, cuz I have a very strong feeling that even if you waved the truth in their faces, they wouldn’t want to know it.

Wednesday, August 21, 2002

PG’s now having a sale where you get $10 off any orders over $100 and $5 off any orders over $60, and I’m like, oh wow, what a sale! A lousy $5 or $10. If it were $20 or $30, that’d be more of a sale.

Got a couple of letters and book clips from Mary. I asked her if she’d be interested in any of my journaling now that she’s got the whole jailhouse journal, and if so, what would she be interested in? The 80s, 90s, current? Or should I just pull excerpts out at random? She should recognize people’s names from my autobiography. That way, if I pull a 1987 clip pertaining to Nervous, she won’t be like – who the hell is he?

She said she thought the prairie dog pics were so cute and that she has them on the wall. That is, I’m sure, till Misery tells her to take them down.

She said it was up to me what name I wanted to use in her book. At first I thought, well, I like the name Dawn better than Jodi, but then I decided I’ll just be Jodi. That way, if the book ever does get published, I can tell people, like my in-laws, to look for my name in the book.

It may be a bit premature, but has she thought of a name for the book? I asked her. I know that if I had written a book on my experience with the freeloaders/law/jail, I’d have called it, It Happened to Me, It Could Happen to You.

I suggested book titles for her book like For the Love of Gretchen or For All the Gretchens Out There.

Maybe something more dramatic like Run, Before It’s Too Late!

She’s always saying she doesn’t remember where she left off, so I suggested she keep a separate piece of paper to keep track of subjects so she’ll know where she left off. She could even write them on the walls or ceilings like I used to!

I asked her if she thought Hope knowingly tried to kill her kid, or if she thinks she almost did in the heat of the moment. She said she doesn’t know and tries not to think about it cuz it’s better that way. Yeah, I hear her as far as how it’s sometimes best not to know the truth about others. Especially if the truth could be something you don’t want to know/hear. Makes it easier that way. I still just cannot believe they’ve been together this long! I’ll bet if I were in that jail for 10 years I wouldn’t get the blessing of residing with the same person for more than 4 weeks.

She’s very lucky to have a compassionate PO which she describes the guy to be. He didn’t even violate her for running! Scot’s the type that’d violate someone just for thinking about running. Anyway, I think that what helps Mary get more compassion than I have is a combination of the fact that there’s a dead kid involved, her overall appearance (she’s young and pretty), and her friendly demeanor. She doesn’t look like a criminal, you don’t talk like a criminal, you don’t act like a criminal, not that I do. Also, there were no “minorities” involved. No one with legal connections to use against her, either.

I had asked her how she could’ve run to Seattle with Justin after he killed her kid and she said she was so brainwashed by him that she didn’t know what she was doing. I could never imagine anyone ever being able to brainwash me in the way he did with her cuz I’m such a stubborn, defiant bitch. Especially after getting screwed over the way I did when I was a younger, too-nice and too-trusting person. It’s taught me not to put much stock in what others say/do. I can understand, though, that with her being such a sweet, loving, mellow person how a sick twist like him would take advantage of her. And I can see that with her being as young as she was and with not having much of a family to turn to it’d be easier to succumb to abuse like that. I figured he had to have either brainwashed or threatened her into running to Seattle. I knew she wouldn’t just up and willingly go along with it, but damn! I had no idea of the hit he put on her! He said he had a hit out on her and that she was grateful when the FBI rescued her. I don’t know why he had to have a hit on her when he could’ve killed her himself. He’d already killed the kid himself. What? Would having two murders on his hands be too much to handle?

If Teddy Bear won’t return, then I wish Palma would at least get back there so she can tell her I kind of miss her.

Anyway, she tells me yet again how grateful she is to have me as a friend she is and how I’ve taught her it’s ok to trust again, but no, it’s not ok. Certainly not with just anyone! I live like a hermit for a reason. I have Tom, my pets, and her as my pen pal/friend, and that’s enough. It would’ve been nice to have Teddy Bear as a side dish, but side dishes weren’t meant to be, obviously, so I make do with what I have. It’s not that what I have isn’t good enough, it’s just that Teddy Bear got me all psyched up for nothing. To me, she’d have been an extra bonus to add to what I already have, but instead, my extra bonus will be dollmaking.

I’m slightly tired today. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, I wake up a little earlier than I’d have liked and I can’t go back to sleep. I totally do not miss all those wake-up calls in jail! I do not envy Mary with the are-you-okay shit from the nurses, the clothes exchanges, people screaming on their hour out, etc.

Wonder if she’s still a night person? Sometimes when I’m up at 2 AM, I wonder, is Mary up now, too? Maybe listening to her radio?

Friday, August 23, 2002

Got a letter from Mary today. She told me Chavez told her Teddy Bear’s still at Madison, but is now on 1st shift. Also, she could return anytime since DOs are transferred regularly.

I was surprised it was Chavez to tell her this since she had told me she was moving to Vegas at the end of ’01. Or is that just something you tell a stalker? Nah, I’m sure she wasn’t worried about me and that she meant it. She probably just changed her mind and decided to stay in Arizona.

Anyway, I know she won’t return while Mary’s there. If God wanted me to have some answers or at least a shot at some answers, then he’d have made sure Teddy Bear was there after the letter was sent. Yet it’s obvious he doesn’t want me getting any answers. To him, she was just another tool he could use to hurt me, and I should’ve known better than to even think of praying for help in getting over her. I should’ve known my prayers would fall upon deaf ears. He’s probably up there laughing at me right now! Just when I think I’m going to get over her and that perhaps something up there really is helping me to get through, tears sting my eyes when I remember and think of her. I tell myself I won’t let her make me cry, but then again, maybe I should let it all out, maybe it’d help and maybe I’d feel better. So, like Helen would suggest I do, I allowed myself to cry for a few minutes earlier.

I gotta wonder, though – if I could tell her how hurt I’ve been over her ignoring me, would she feel bad, or would she just look at me and laugh? And how would she react if another female inmate started flirting with her that she was attracted to? Would she tell them too, that she’d respond to them if they waited a year before contacting her?

I know, though, that regardless of why she blew me off, what we had going back in jail was real. I’d be willing to bet Bailey, Joy and Jade that it would’ve escalated to kisses and a bit of touchy-feely too, had we both been there longer.

Oh, Teddy Bear! You’ll never know just how much I love you, never know just how much you hurt me.

I’m not too alarmed over this, but I discovered something a bit disturbing as the sun was setting. Tom had just left for work and I heard a pop. The kind the house makes when it’s settling. That’s probably just what it was, but this one was pretty loud. It almost sounded like something hit the back or front door. I was in my office when I heard it. So, I got up and looked out the kitchen window. That’s when I noticed a beverage can of some kind, though I can’t be sure that’s what it was, nestled up against the long-dead garden fence. I know the wind’s capable of blowing cans around and I’m not saying anyone’s been lurking around, but I just think it’s a weird place for one to end up on this property. I can see one ending up in front with it being almost a straight shot from the road to the house. But in back of the house and especially so close to it, wouldn’t a can have to get hung up on the brush no matter which direction it came from? Cans aren’t as light as paper or plastic shopping bags that can fly up over trees and brush easily.

Again, I’m not saying it means anything, but you know, I really wish at times those freeloaders would have the balls to face me here on our property. That is, unarmed and one at a time, of course. I couldn’t fight them with the law, but I could at least try damn hard with my fists and rage. Tom and Mary are probably right, though. They’re not going to fuck with me out here without connections. They wouldn’t have the guts. That’s why they cowered behind the law in the first place.

I jokingly said to Tom that I ought to get a shirt that says “In God I Do Not Trust” and he said, “Now why would you want to do that and set yourself up for harassment?”

Well, I don’t, but you know, there comes a time when I have to be me. Period. Regardless of what others may think. I can’t worry about other people’s poor, poor feelings all my life. If they’ve got a problem with me, then that’s their problem. As long as I don’t push my views on others, I’d be doing nothing wrong by getting a shirt that said that, and dammit, I’m not going to kiss this society’s ass! I don’t owe them shit and they don’t owe me shit. All we owe each other is respect and the right to be ourselves.

Anyway, he explained to me what all the fuss is all about. To me, it sounds like nothing more than wishful thinking, but again, we all have a right to our beliefs. According to him, most people believe life’s one big test and that it’s the devil and not God that causes bad things to happen. The test is to determine who goes to hell and who lives eternally with God, but I’m sorry, he should be stepping in more often. This is just my opinion, but sometimes a little divine intervention, as they call it, is necessary. Just like Art should’ve defended us against Doe, so should he when the going gets really rough. It was one thing to “test” me by sitting back and letting the freeloaders shit on us like they did when we were still living together, but shouldn’t he and couldn’t he have put his foot down once it came down to going to jail? I think that’s when he should’ve stepped in and said, “Hey, enough’s enough already! Leave this poor girl alone. She never did a damn thing to provoke you, yet you’ve been picking on her for no reason at all other than that she asked that your music be lowered” (and that I was Jewish, but I didn’t know that at the time).

But no, to add insult to injury after all the shit they put us through on N. 21 Ave., I had to go to jail, live in a shoebox with a few psychos and noise that makes the NHA seem like it was as quiet as where I am now, take cold showers, eat inedible spicy food, get shit for sleep, then get my head played with and my heartbroken, not to mention all the shit and stress I’ve gone through since being out. So, when is enough ever enough? Although barely, I survived my family, I survived Brattleboro and Vermont, I survived shitty “friends” and neighbors, I survived not seeing many dreams come true, and I’ve survived jail. What more do I need to survive and what for?

I don’t believe in heaven and hell. Not the way some people do. Meaning, I don’t think God hates gays or anything like that. Hell, he even has a heart for perverts and murderers! I believe this simply because I find it hard to believe they’d exist if he really had anything against them. If I was going to create a world, why would I create horrible people along with it? I believe he can hate certain individuals and families, but not whole groups of people.

I asked Tom what he thinks is the case after we die and he said he doesn’t know. Neither do I. I don’t know if we’re reincarnated or if we just blink out and that’s it or what.

On the lighter side and to speak of one of my passions in life, PG has a couple of cute new $25 fairies that Tom said we can get, along with $40 Amelia, by the end of the year. I know we’ll get free shipping, and if the discount coupons are good we should save $15 on the whole order. One of them is the same mold, except for the arms and legs, as my Valentine Fairy. They did her and Emerald over with the same color hair, but this time around Emerald’s is short and Valentine’s is curly. I don’t like Emerald’s makeover, but Valentine, called Rainbow in this version, wears a cute, colorful dress. So does Rainbow’s Jewels which also comes with a resin mouse. I can’t show pictures to Mary cuz of the copy guard that site has, so I’ll just wait till I get them and shoot my own.

They were having “Hawaiian” Day at work and they were giving out these shell necklaces to the employees, so Tom brought home his. It’s kind of nice with cream-colored shells. Maybe a doll can wear it someday, but for now it’s on the doorknob of the back door.

What the fuck? Did Dan move back into the area? I’ve been hearing loud motors on and off since nightfall, yet it doesn’t sound anywhere close, fortunately.

Well, it’s just after 11 PM now. Been up since 1 PM. I’m going to hang loose, listen to some music and watch TV till I crash. Maybe read, too. I watch a lot of the legal and forensics stuff, old Charlie’s Angels reruns, and I just taped a new movie of Stephen King’s with psychics, ghosts, and all that fun stuff I love.

Saturday, August 24, 2002

I decided, believe it or not, to write another jailhouse story. Only difference is that this time around it’ll be hyped up with pieces of bullshit thrown in here and there. Tom even suggested I write about a real-life experience and expand on it. Oh, I’m going to expand on it alright! It’ll be written in story format and not laid out like a journal. Also, Teddy Bear and I will get to do the things we never got to do in reality! Hee, hee! Just like The Dead Zone series is based on characters and events from the movie, my book will be based on real-life experiences and real-life people. I think I might even be psychic too, and make Pancake Face Smith do things I could only dream about making her do when she pulled Mary. Things like uncontrollable and highly embarrassing farting. Yes, in my story I shall have what just about everyone else has had over me that I didn’t – control. What I say will go. Tom probably won’t care, but I’m sure Mary will get a kick out of it. It’ll basically be a romantic comedy with the DO’s names changed, yet still close to their real names, leaving just the inmates’ true names. I’ll probably only include DOs and inmates that were main players in real life. Probably only the ones who stood out in either good or bad ways and no in-between DOs or inmates like Brea and Carolyn P.

At first I asked myself, do I really want to write this story and chance jinxing myself into having all this come true? But I could never end up as psychic as I plan to be in this book. Besides, I’ve written plenty of things that never rang true in the end, and remember, in the story Andy and I talked about me writing, the inmate and guard got it on. Teddy Bear and I obviously didn’t get that far, of course. So, my story ideas almost came true, but they didn’t quite make it.

I think I’ll even change my charges. Maybe I’ll have spray-painted a building or something. No chance of that getting jinxed into reality since I have no desire to spray-paint anything.

This time around I’m going to proofread it a few times once it’s done and not give it to anyone as I complete each chapter like I did with my bio. I want to make sure I get any typos I may have missed the first time around taken care of.

I don’t know how long it’ll be. I’ll just write whatever I feel like writing for however long I feel like writing it. I’ll do this in between my usual household tasks, my regular journaling, my fine-tuning of old journals, Mary’s story, and hopefully soon, my dollmaking.

Later…

What the hell is going on? I was doing better, but now I just can’t get that woman off my mind! Damn those mother-fucking freeloaders Joely N and Debra V for doing this to me, damn Tammy B, damn the pig Jerry O, damn Paul K, damn Judge H, damn the DA Jackie I and damn God for sitting back and allowing all these people to shit on me time and time again for no reason at all.

Why must I always be hurt over something? If it’s not impossible dreams depressing me, then it’s over a woman I can never have. Hurting over her is better than wanting a kid like I did for what? 4 or 5 years? Anyway, I try to tell myself that I could’ve ended up a lot more hurt if we had gotten together, but it doesn’t really console me. The new millennium has brought an all-time low in depression (though plenty of anger), but trust me, today and yesterday have been quite sad.

I start to think, oh, how nice it’d be if she had to return to M Dorm and be flooded with a ton of memories of me, making her be the one to be depressed for a change, as well as maybe feel a little guilty. But then I tell myself to come back down to earth. She wouldn’t remember and think of me, but maybe for a second. As for guilt – well – she’s obviously okay with what she’s done or else she’d have at least called or written to tell me she hasn’t forgotten about me, but we can’t get together. God wouldn’t allow her to return while Mary was still there. That way I can go on hurting without any answers and wondering what happened and how and why she could blow me off like she did.

When I first got out of jail, Tom said that since there was no fighting any of the corrupt, prejudiced assholes that put me in the predicament I’m in today and have been in and will be in for quite a while to come, anything he did would be strictly revenge. He insisted, though, that he’d never tell me what he was going to do, saying that the less I knew the better. At first I was all for it, though I always figured he was just saying this to try to make me feel better since he’s never been the vengeful type. Then as time went on I was like, hey, this is Arizona. The strictest state in the country along with Texas. And we’re Tom and Jodi S. We can’t do shit even if we could cuz we’d just end up in prison for sure. Maybe God would let someone else get away with fucking someone over, but we could never get away with fucking someone over, and certainly not these precious freeloaders he’s been hell-bent on protecting and worshiping ever since the get-go. If we were so much to as dare to even give them dirty looks, we’d be going down big time. So I told Tom, even though I know he’s not going to do anything simply because he couldn’t do anything severe enough to them without exposing himself anyway, that just like with everyone else who’s fucked us over, there’s nothing we can do. We just have to let it go and hope that God really truly does have good reasons for protecting these people, though I can’t imagine what they could be. Nonetheless, if he’s gone this far with covering their asses, he’s not going to stop. Remember, I told him, people can do whatever they want to with us. It’s us that are forbidden from doing anything, be it fighting back against those fucking us over, or fucking over someone for no reason ourselves. If it’s us, we can’t get away with it, so drop any plans you may have. Meanwhile, I’ll just cry over Teddy Bear for 4 or 5 years till it’s on to something else to get me down or perhaps piss me off and frustrate the hell out of me.

Monday, August 26, 2002

The sun’s coming up later these days.

They got rid of the fire truck in back. Now they have a bright green truck. Where do people get the money for so many vehicles?

I don’t want to see Scot till the first Friday of next month, so awake or not, I’m not answering the door before September 6th. I need this rare 3 whole weeks off from seeing his face.

Meanwhile, I’ve been having a field day getting karaoke MP3s. They don’t display lyrics while they’re playing, so I went to this site that has tons of lyrics and printed them out to make singing to them easier if I do any recording. Tom says he misses hearing me sing, though I still do nearly every day with the music blasting. We discussed recording me singing to the music which only contains background vocals. Who knows? Maybe we’ll even give a copy to Mom, Mary and Dave if it comes out halfway decent. I mean, it doesn’t have to be perfect. At least I won’t have to stop and clear my throat every other line like I did when I smoked. I’ll just have to remember not to use my inhaler before I sing cuz that makes me congested at times, too.

Still haven’t heard from Paula. Yeah, she’s really grateful, ain’t she? That’s ok, though, she isn’t hearing from me, either. Not till I email my monthly journaling, but I don’t know if she’ll get it. That kid of hers just doesn’t get it when he’s told to let her know when she’s got an email. Sometimes he does, but he obviously doesn’t for the most part, but hey, she either gets it or she doesn’t. I’m not playing one-sided pen pal with her anymore. I’d rather put the ink, paper, stamps and envelopes towards Mary, my mutual, sane friend.

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

Another picture was downloaded from Mystery’s Dolls3. I’d be willing to bet it was Joy. That particular album only has a few pictures of her and a few Barbie pictures. I would think that with a doll looking like Joy, it must’ve been her they took. In a dress that I made. And all under 20 minutes, too.

Anyway, I expect that when Tom gets home within the next few hours he’ll have more story clips from Mary about her hiding out in New York from Justin, proof that God does make mistakes.

Meanwhile, I’ve been practicing singing to karaoke a lot, but not working much on my story. I have done some fine-tuning, though.

Anyway, I went to a lyrics site and printed out the lyrics to the songs I may record. If we can get some decent enough songs sung by me, or at least what I consider to be decent enough, we’ll merge the files (me and the karaoke) and burn them onto CDs.

Wish I knew why I was so damn fartsy all the time! I smell like a baby, or like a druggie named Bentley from Tent City. It seems no matter what I eat, my tummy’s a constant gas chamber.

Tom said he probably dropped the can that’s in back when he was bringing stuff out. Let’s hope so. That’s awfully close to the house, though as I said before, a part of me wishes I would catch a pig or a freeloader on the prowl.

We’re still having a very non-existent monsoon season. Of course, we had to have a fierce monsoon season when we had our leaky roof in Phoenix. That’s just our shit luck. If the roof suddenly blew off of this house, it’d rain like hell.

Anyway, as fun as the storms can be to watch, it really is a good thing we’re having all this dry weather. Then there’s no risk of leaks, like through the front door which Tom’s going to get new weather stripping. Rain also brings in the spiders and thunder wakes me up and can mess up my schedule. We’re getting close to the classes. I can’t afford to have any potential threats to my schedule at that point. I’ve got the freeloaders to deal with as it is.

Tom said he heard a report saying that if it doesn’t rain before August is out, it’ll be the first time in 27 years it didn’t rain in August.

I just wish those cheeks would come here when I was either at class or home alone so I could have the honor and the pleasure of ignoring him! But that will never happen. I mean, I’m home 99.9% of the time, so the odds of him stopping by while I was out are very slim. He’d have to be a gorgeous woman for that to happen.

I was telling Tom that with the omission of the freeloaders and the hurt caused by Teddy Bear, the turn of the century’s been the happiest years for me yet and life’s been getting better with time. He said he gets happier too, so this laid to rest any remaining questions I may’ve had about us being platonic. At first I was like, is he normal? Am I normal? Are we normal? But since he’s happy and I’m happy, does it really matter whether or not we’re normal? No, most people wouldn’t be happy with a platonic marriage, and no, most people wouldn’t be happy knowing they’ll probably be celibate for the rest of their lives, but we’re not most people. We’re Tom and Jodi and if Tom and Jodi are happy, then Tom and Jodi can stay the way they are.

It seems up until my early 20s I was obsessed with being “normal.” Then I became eager to rebel against the so-called norm, wanting to stick out like the sorest thumb in the city. Now, I just want to be me. It seems we’re either born to be leaders or followers, but I don’t want to be either one of those. I just want to be me.

Wednesday, August 28, 2002

Boy, I really felt like a “working singer” tonight. I worked on my songs for a couple of hours straight. It’s cool that I could do it in the comfort and privacy of my own home, though privacy is not as big of a deal to me or else I wouldn’t be making a CD. Once I get a handful of fairly decent recordings, I’ll burn a few CDs. That way I can have copies available for whoever I might want to give one to.

Sometimes the songs I don’t think I’ll sound as good doing are the ones that come out better. However, there’s this Gloria song that no matter how hard I try to sing well, I just can’t seem to cut it singing that particular song. I guess it’s just not quite suitable for my voice, but I want to try to make as good of a recording as I can of it cuz it’s one I can do in Spanish. There are a couple of songs in Spanish I’ll be doing, plus a few lines of Spanish in a Selena song.

With some of the songs, I have a hard time with my timing, but I’m doing alright with them for the most part. Maybe this weekend Tom can set me up to record so that I can do it on my own time when he’s at work. That way I won’t have to be distracted by his presence. This way I can do as many takes as I need to till I get a suitable enough recording, just like they do in studios.

Funny how I dreamed of making a professional recording (and what I’ll be doing will be as close as you can get) for 20 years, then I forget about it, then end up doing it anyway. Also, it had dawned on me the other day that Mom, Mary and Dave haven’t heard me sing yet. Soon, though, they will. Not without a few laughs in between, though, I’m sure, since I’m not perfect. But that’s ok. I don’t mind being their source of entertainment in a funny way as well as in a good way. It’s like every other note sounds nice and vibrant where you can tell I’m a trained singer, and every other note sounds dull and nasally, but hey, I am better than most so I won’t complain too much.

I just can’t seem to find a suitable song of Linda’s to do in karaoke form. I’m surprised they don’t have songs like It Doesn’t Matter Anymore. I could do that one. But the others I’ve found either have notes too high or the music’s not complete. I was all set to do Silver Threads & Golden Needles, but the end of the song is missing.

Soon, I’m going to check out the daily pictures online, then do some more fine-tuning. Reading back on some of the shit my family put me through and knowing I’ll never again have to deal with their shit is such a wonderful feeling! Just that one incident alone where Doe made me continue eating after I complained of being full, one day when we went to a restaurant, causing me to end up throwing it all up in the parking lot, is enough to make me wonder how in the world I could ever associate with anyone who could do such a thing to someone. What a sick, twisted individual she was! The older I’ve become, the more I realize just how cruel most of my family really was.

Thursday, August 29, 2002

My waist is up to 30½. That’s a big waist for a five-footer. Maybe someday I’ll lose weight, but I don’t know. I’d only gain it right back, so what’s the point? I’m middle-aged. I’m supposed to be overweight.

Anyway, I see tons of thick gray clouds in the east with a few individual storm cells and bolts of lightning, but I know it won’t make it here. It’s like storms are afraid to come over this particular area.

I’m about to finish up with the 1994 file.

Later…

Soon I’ll be coming up to the last few hours of my day which are my least favorite. That’s when I’m too tired to really do anything, but not tired enough to sleep, so I end up just laying around bored till I finally do knock off.

Sure enough, the clouds cleared and it’s as bright and sunny as most days are in Arizona. Getting hot too, and it’s not even 10:00 yet.

I still feel like something’s teasing me with my singing, even though I only wish to do it for fun and no longer smoke. Every time I sing I have some sort of problem hindering me, be it inhaler congestion, burping, a tickle in my throat, etc.

Just like I spent several years being mad at God for not allowing me a kid, it seems I spend most time being mad at him for his dual standards these days. It was okay for Nancy K to threaten me, the very thing I was supposed to be there for, but it’s not ok for me. No, I can’t threaten anyone. God help me should I lash out, mildly or not so mildly, at those who harass and torment me that I would’ve otherwise ignored had I been left alone by them.

Why must I always be made to pay for someone else’s hatred, stupidity or incompetence?!

Damn my own stupidity too, for not beating the snot out of that black bitch when she came screaming at the door, and damn my own stupidity for “cooperating” with the pigs and for opening the door to them. With my shit luck, though, they’d have just kicked the door down had I not, and Arizona would do something so extreme over a letter, too. Not even small towns like South Deerfield back east would react in such a way to something like this! And all for what? Cuz the fucking “victim” was black? As harsh as Arizona’s laws are, this never would’ve happened if she’d been white as well. I know it wouldn’t have. The question is, though, if the black bitch hadn’t had her piggy friend to use against me, would it still have gone as far as it has? Would things have been so trumped up and blown out of perspective then?

Just as suddenly as the days came when it was hard for me to deal with Teddy Bear’s leading me on and dumping me to the point that I was crying, it’s gotten easier again. Proof that no, God didn’t have anything to do with when it got easier the last time, cuz I didn’t pray for help this time around. I know better and I’ll never pray for a damn thing again. Not even for my life if I were held at gunpoint by some monster!

I did have a funny dream pertaining to Teddy Bear, though, that might make for a good book part. I was back in M Dorm, alone in 203. I squealed with delight when I saw her come through the door at the start of second shift. I noticed she didn’t have her clipboard in hand.

She opened the cell door and stepped inside, letting the door lock shut behind her. “Hey, babe,” she said. “I got it all taken care of.”

“Got what taken care of?” I asked her.

“Another DO’s covering for me so I can spend the night with you.” She kicked her shoes off, took off her work belt and placed it on the metal desk. Then she glanced at my bunk, walked over to it and sat down on it before stretching out on her back. “So this is what these things are like, huh?”

Still stunned and unsure of what to say, I finally said, “Teddy Bear, the DO can see us every time she does a walk.”

“She won’t bother us. She knows what’s going on and she can be trusted.”

Friday, August 30, 2002

Tom went to work really late last night and won’t be in till close to noon today. He’s opening the Maricopa PO box today.

Meanwhile, I share excerpts with him from my journal via email at times. In one message I included some of my sexual opinions. In his reply, he wrote: I don’t really agree with your opinions but I know there is no point in expecting them to change. I don’t want to be platonic but I don’t want to have a relationship that isn’t mutual. As long as you don’t care, I don’t want a physical relationship. I want it, but it wouldn’t be satisfying unless you wanted it, too.

Although I told him that it wasn’t that I didn’t care and that it was a case of my going along with his actions, which always speak louder than words, I don’t really want sex with him, and I can’t seem to bring myself to tell him so (this makes me see how it could’ve been hard for him to admit to not wanting a kid back when I wanted one). Instead, I told him I’d go along with whatever he chose. After all, I suppose I’d be obligated to as long as it wasn’t every second of the day. If he wants platonic, okay, and if he wants sex, okay. Because I am indifferent, or better yet, okay with whatever he wants, I decided to leave it up to him. Because he’s someone I love, I would be happy to go along with and follow him on whatever choice he makes, but I’d be lying if I said I could ever feel the amount of desire and lust as with Teddy Bear. I mean, sure he could go down on me and make me cum, but it’s just not the same as with a woman who turns me on the way that she did. I just don’t feel that spark, that longing, as much as I love him, and of course, now my attitude about his cumming would be the direct opposite of what it used to be. Meaning, I wouldn’t want him cumming without rubbers. I know I’m sterile and I know I have destiny working in my favor, but even so, would you take the chance and be dumb enough to walk in front of oncoming traffic just because you don’t think you’ll get hit? No, you wouldn’t. You’d still be a responsible person, I’d hope. Nonetheless, as I told him, it was never that I didn’t care or felt that it had to be one way or another. If he came out and told me he wanted me to stand on my pinky finger all day, then we’d obviously have a conflict of interest. Or if he told me to strangle Little Buddy. Things like that would certainly be much harder to do and they wouldn’t be mutual. But it all comes down to my trying to please the one I love, even if it’s more one-sided like I’ve said many times before. I loved him when we met, I loved him along the way, I love him now, and I always will. This is regardless of how many attractive women I could possibly meet in person or see on TV, etc.

I still think it’s all bullshit, though. I think that if he really wanted sex that bad he’d have made a move on me or at least expressed these desires somehow, someway, but he never did and I think he’s just making excuses, implying that it’s because of me, just like with the kid. I understand, though, how hard it is to come out and admit to the one you love that you’re just not on the same wavelength. It may be wrong not to be totally honest, but I can understand it, nonetheless. Meanwhile, we’ve been platonic for two years now and I’m sure it’ll stay that way. He’s not about to make a move on me, and if he did, it’d be once a year, and I sure as hell ain’t going to be getting it on with Teddy Bear or any other woman like her that turns me on in any serious kind of way. If God had wanted me with the Teddy Bears, the Glorias, the Lindas, the Kates, the Norahs, the Melanies, etc., then that’s who I’d have been with a long time ago. I was meant to be a man’s woman with not much lust involved if any at all. Meanwhile, in this day and age, I’m content to keep the lust alive and active in my fantasies.

Speaking of Teddy Bear, now that I know she’s on first shift maybe I can see her online, but that would only be if she were working the intake area. Who knows how often, if ever, that is? I realize that I may’ve been a bit hard on myself as far as pushing myself to get over her goes. Technically, it’s like I last saw her 4 months ago due to the fact that a whole year of our relationship, regardless of whether or not she followed through with it, was put on hold. So, in a sense, I spent a whole year waiting to get blown off. Mary says she probably has no idea she’s hurt me like this. Yeah, I believe it. No one that’s ever hurt me, be it intentionally or not, has ever known just how much they hurt me. They were always completely clueless as far as that was concerned, and if they ever weren’t completely in the dark about how hurt I was, they certainly didn’t seem to mind. After all, it was only my feelings, wasn’t it? No skin off their backs.

In the letter I got from Mary, she said she’d have been terrified of the snake. As I told her, though, snakes are easy enough to avoid and they can’t get in the house, so I’m okay with them.

I’ve been enjoying this time off from the freeloaders and having to do for them and having my life be forced to revolve around them. It’s been a no-win situation either way. I can’t fight them, I can’t ignore them. Fighting them has gotten me in trouble and so has trying to ignore them. It’s literally like being pinned down by a dozen people where I’m totally restricted from ignoring them and there’s no way in hell to fight back, either. Labor Day’s coming up, so I’ll get an extra day off from them and the possibility that a certain fat face may show up at the house, distract me from whatever I’m doing, and remind me yet again of what these people have done to me and all they’re going to get away with. Makes me wish I was one of those ill characters who get off on being abused! It really helps, though, not to have to see him once a week.

Saturday, August 31, 2002

I’m typing this as I soak my feet in warm water laced with baby oil. My feet get so rough with calluses, so I took a scrub brush and scrubbed at the rough spots before soaking them in oil.

Anyway, I’m up to a total of 381 viewings.

Got some more rattlesnake pictures! At 2 AM, Tom got the munchies so he started to go out to the car to get the chips he forgot to bring in. As soon as he went out he heard a loud hissing that sounded like air escaping a tire. For a fraction of a second, he thought something was wrong with the AC, then he realized it was a snake and went back inside. He said it was a good thing he didn’t go down another couple of steps or else it would’ve nailed him for sure. A few hours later we returned just after sunrise with groceries, and we saw the same rattlesnake that I had taken pictures of before, curled up asleep between the AC and the shed, about 8’ from the door. We quietly whisked the groceries through, then went out to wake it up so I could hear the rattle, but it was a sound sleeper! It did awaken somewhat but was either too cold or just not scared enough to move or rattle, but it did coil up and keep an eye on us while we got pictures. While Tom kept an eye on it, I got as close as it’d let me and took pictures. I was about 6-8’ away. The snake was 4-5’ and could only strike 2-3’. Then, later on, when the sunlight was a little brighter, I went out and took some more shots. This time it rattled at me. I’d creep forward, it would rattle, and I’d step back, keeping a safe distance. Again, I got as close as it’d let me. Despite what it stands for, it really is a cool-looking snake.

This is the first summer we’ve seen rattlers on the land, so I assume it’s due to my feeding the prairie dogs. We don’t mind the snake, though, as we’re just extra cautious when we come and go. It’s been keeping stray dogs away, so there’s some good in having it around.

Later…

Speaking of dogs – two large dogs just walked down Ralston and up Meadow Green, as if we already had the fences up, or as if they sensed that there was danger here. Tom said he saw another stray limping badly with an injured leg and we wonder if a snake didn’t bite it. I last saw them at the renter’s, so maybe they live there. Don’t know for sure, though.

Anyway, Tom explained to me that even my just being indifferent and not turned off of the idea of sex entirely, isn’t enough for him. Meaning, he says he only wants sex if I want it, but as I came out and told him, I simply have no desire. It isn’t anything he did, it isn’t that he’s ugly, it isn’t that I don’t love him, I just don’t desire it. I don’t know why, but I don’t. I don’t know what to do about it, either. Just ignore it and keep on going as we have? Get it on and see if I can get into it? See a doctor about it? He says not to worry about it, but I feel like I’m depriving him (if he’s telling the truth about wanting it) yet I can’t make myself feel something I don’t.

I got a couple of letters with drafts from Mary. She’s been depressed, unfortunately. I guess everything’s at a standstill with her case right now. She doesn’t seem to have any idea of when she’s going to court next or what’s going on. I quit bothering to check online cuz they never tell me anything new. They’re all the same color, so, why should they?

She likes the new Celine Dion song too, and says that yes, she’s up listening to her radio at 2 AM, or working out or working on her story. I figured as much, too.

My journal notes still live on 205’s ceiling too, not that I can remember what the hell they said. I’ll have to ask her to tell me. She’s getting along with the baby-beater, so that’s good. She said something about getting an easy-going roommate named Virginia after Hope leaves, which is going to be soon. Guilty or not, I can only imagine just what that girl must be feeling! Ugh! Imagine knowing you were about to go to prison for over a decade! I’d kill myself for damn sure! I wouldn’t care how many good-looking DOs there might be waiting for me there, either.

Later…

I forgot to say that a big lizard ran over the snake at one point, but it didn’t faze it. I’m amazed at how much braver the ratters are as opposed to the king snakes. King snakes run when they see people, but rattlers will stand and fight. That is if need be.

Ok, now it’s off to type Mary’s drafts.

[djsherriff-responses]

oc development ramblings below

I’m trying to redesign/repurpose my old, not very original magical girl ocs. I had obvious “influence” from Sailor Moon,Winx Club and Kingdom Hearts . I also had Tokyo mew mew ocs where my self insert was a blue lion girl waaaay before pretty cure did it, but I threw all evidence of that when I was caught drawing my self insert making out with Riku and thus the only reminder I have of that is that the red/fire girl also happened to be a fox mew mew repurposed

Anyways just wanted to share the current redesign progress of these girls (and guy) . I like most of the new designs and names I’ve given but Rosetta I’m not really happy with (she was basically a mini version of Stella akin to Sailor Mini Moon), may also change Melinda too.

Jacinthe I really struggled name wise because I really liked the idea of having a magical femboy but there wasn’t a lot of gender neutral floral names that fit him, and I really wanted to keep the J letter (as his original name was either a Jade or tulip) . Buuuuut I found Jacinthe which references Hyacinth , if you read that particular wiki page I don’t think I need to explain any further why it was perfect. I maaay make Julia his sister 🤷‍♀️

Akiko and Yukiko I made into sisters too , I like the idea of Yukiko being the older sister (by 10ish years) who has far more magical girl experience than her and the two having a bit of a complicated relationship due to family expectations of being from a family line of magical girls and the huge gap of experience and age

Stella and Hannah are funny enough the two characters who kept their original names while also staying blonde/white, though they from two very different backgrounds (Stella is a Brit while Hannah is from Texas). Melinda technically still has her original name as “Mindy” (her old name) can be a nickname for Melinda but I’m debating about that, as well as even keeping her a girl as I want a bit more gender variation

I still have to like, make an actual story/setting for these characters as well as an actual magical girl theme for them . Did consider 7 virtues but I didn’t feel it fitting and I want to branch away from the elemental thing they had going . Maybe mystical creatures?

Oh yeah, all of these girls are now women ranging from their 20s to their 40s/50s

[booksbydlwhite]

Leave the Thrillers, Take the Romance: A Mid-January Update

Hey friends! Welcome to episode 107 of The Bookcast. I'm recording today with a bit of a cold, so I sound funny, but I'm here and that's all that matters.  I  had to come in and share a mid-month update on my latest reads, writing efforts and author wins with you. Also, it snowed in Atlanta, a thing that only happens every few years, so there's that.   

Book Report

I have read 14 of 100 books. I'm well ahead of my challenge and as per usual, I'll re-evaluate mid year. SO FAR it looks like I am going to be bumping up the goal much earlier. I just love reading. Here's what I've read so far this month- note I was on vacation for the first six days of the month.  I'm trying something new by tracking on both Goodreads and StoryGraph. I don't personally enjoy storygraph but I want to stick it out to see if I get good reporting at the end of the year. Goodreads is very social but not good at reporting. 

Track Her Down by Melinda Leigh (Bree Taggart #10)

A Winter Crest Christmas Reloaded: Mia and Zen by Cordae

One More to Die by Joy Ellis (Audible Original)

Tell Her Story by Margo Hunt (Audible Original)

The Family Lies by Angela Henry

The Setup by Falguni Kothari

Lacey James series by Chris Patchell

Shooting the Moon by Brenda Novak

Westmoreland Legacy series bundle by Brenda Jackson: 

The Rancher Returns

His Secret Son

An Honorable Seduction

The Secret Witness by Victor Methos

More Than Friends by Reese Ryan (Love and Music Suite #3)

Writing Updates:

Currently working on a Valentine's Day story titled Rules in Romance

Calculated Risk is with my editor and due end of February

Missing Persons is complete but needs editing

Still plugging away at my Berkeley Sisters trilogy

Writing fan fiction on my Substack (short fiction by dlwhite.substack.com)

I ended the episode asking how you all are planning to get through these interesting times ahead. Drop me a line - I'd love to hear from you!

Support the show

Support this show with a recurring gift at bookcast.buzzsprout.com. Follow my substack at authordlwhite.substack.com Buy books by DL White at https://payhip.com/booksbydlwhite Buy Merch by DLWhite at my spreadshop. Find the Bookcast on booksbydlwhite.com/bookcast or your fave podcast app: Apple Podcasts | Spotify |Overcast | Podlink| Youtube

TRANSCRIPT

DL White [00:00:14]:

Hello. Good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening. Happy Sunday or whatever day or time of day you might be listening to this podcast. Welcome back to the book cast. I am so glad you are here, boos and bros, book pals, fans of the written word. I'm a little bit loopy.

DL White [00:00:34]:

I know you can hear it in my voice. I got a lot of nasally things going on. I do have a cold. I think I am on the end of it, but I am very coffee, sneezy, sniffly, and I have not taken any cold meds because I'm weird. So I think after I record, I may actually take cold meds. So, anyhow, welcome back to the book cast. I am DL White, your host. I am an Atlanta based author of 15 published novels, 16 written ones that you'll hear about calculated risk later this year.

DL White [00:01:14]:

Actually, I think it's more than 16 because I have also finished missing persons. I don't know. I've lost count now is where I'm at. I know I'm not at 20 yet. Anyway, novels, short stories, fan fiction, I write them. I also read. I'm a reader first. So we begin with the book report as always, and then we talk about writing and topics of the day.

DL White [00:01:40]:

I no longer plan out this podcast, so that's why I'm rambling. And perhaps I should go back to planning out the podcast, but, honestly, I feel like it goes so much better when I'm just I get up. I look at the my my, book report information, my Goodreads challenge mainly, figure out where I'm at for the month so I can report, look at my sales to see, like, do I have anything to talk about? Yes? No? Maybe? Is it exciting, or is it meh? Look at my writing stats. How's that going? And, and then I I press record. And I was using Riverside, and I still have my my I still have, like, a login there, but it's just like an extra step. Like, all I need is Audacity. I just open Audacity, and I start recording. So I feel like it's going a little bit better, actually.

DL White [00:02:36]:

I don't have to script out every word I need to say. So, you know, we're gonna do what works until it doesn't work anymore. Anyway, I don't think this episode is going to be long, but who knows? Because I didn't script it out. So it could be 40 minutes of me yammering about books. Who knows? Anyhow, so let's get rolling. We're gonna have a little coffee break. And And then after the jump, we're gonna talk about books and writing. Today is Sunday, January 12th.

DL White [00:03:07]:

It is 8:11 AM. There is snow on the ground here in Atlanta, which I'm very surprised about. I actually figured it would be gone, like, by tomorrow, but it is cold outside. I took some garbage out this morning, and, it's it's it's chilly. Hopefully, we get above 40 degrees today and this stuff starts melting because Monday Friday are work from home days for us. But if this stuff is still on the ground on Tuesday, I ain't going nowhere. Nowhere. Anyhow, let's have some coffee and then come back to talk about books.

DL White [00:04:22]:

Okay. And we are back. Let us begin with the book report. Let me get to my tab because I didn't write any of this down because I'm smart. We are 12 days into the year, and I haven't done an update since January 1. So we are just gonna call this, like, for the year at, 14 books completed. I am 11 books ahead of schedule. My goal is, of course, set at 100 books as always.

DL White [00:04:55]:

I always set it at a 100 on January 1, and we see where we are by, you know, midyear, like the end of June, I'll evaluate. Maybe I will raise it to 150, 175. Last year, I ended up with 225 books. I had a lot that I needed to hide from, and, that worked out really well for me, actually. This year, I'm doing a little something different. I'm trying trying to duplicate my books on the StoryGraph because I wanna see, like, all the pretty graphs and whatever. There's a lot that goes into, tracking a book on StoryGraph, and I literally I just wanna track the book and the dates that I read them. I don't I don't wanna fill out all this extra information, so I'm really not doing all that.

DL White [00:05:51]:

So I don't know how pretty my charts are gonna look, but Goodreads doesn't do very good reporting to me. And I like numbers, and I like reports and graphs and pie charts and bar charts. So I am not actually a big fan of the story graph. It's too plain for me. Like, it it simultaneously does too much and not enough and, that I don't like the interface. I can't see what all my friends are reading. It's not very social. Goodreads is, like, very social.

DL White [00:06:24]:

I can see what everybody else is reading, what everybody else is reviewing, what everybody else is, you know, adding what, you know, what, what do they call them? What, shelves everybody's adding their books to? Like, Goodreads is very social to me, and I've been saying this for a long time. I'm not giving up anything that makes my life easier and enjoyable. I do not care what Jeff Bezos is doing. I don't. He owns 8% of Amazon. 8. If I'm not participating in Amazon stuff, like me not sending him 14 99 a month for Prime isn't going to make him less of a billionaire. So I'm not making my life harder to stand arm and arm with people who can't even get in the booth with me.

DL White [00:07:10]:

I don't I don't care. So that's my stance on it. I'm at Goodreads. I enjoy Goodreads. I'm duplicating at the story graph so I can participate in a couple of challenges that are hosted there and also just so I can see, you know, what my reading year is gonna look like graph wise. So I'm at 14 books for the year. A lot of that is audio, I'm pretty sure, and let's just take a look at, what I have been reading this year. Melinda Lee, track her down.

DL White [00:07:47]:

This is number 10 in the Bree Taggart series. Bree Taggart is a, like, of course, a female sheriff out in the northwest. I believe it's the, Oregon area. I love this series, and I've been gobbling them down. I need Melinda Lee and Kendra Elliott to write many, many books much faster. And then I, caught up a little bit on some holiday reading, A Winter Crest Christmas Reloaded, Mia and Zen by an author named Cordae. This was, I think this was like a, like, a urban urban romance is what they call it. It's one of those, like, you can tell by the cover, by the font, and how they're it's all, like, shiny and whatever.

DL White [00:08:34]:

One of those, there was a lot of sex in it, so there's that, if that's something that interests you. It's a thing that doesn't really interest me much anymore. Like, I like reading sex in a novel as much as the next guy, but after, like, the first two scenes, I get it. They like each other. I'm I'm good. Like, I I like that it's there. Like, if I wanna go back and read a sex scene, I know where to find it. But, I don't read books for the sex, so I wanna know how like, does the plot sizzle as much as those bedroom scenes sizzle? And sometimes, the plot don't be sizzling the plot don't be sizzling.

DL White [00:09:17]:

So, like, a lot of times when I I write, I write the story to make sure the story has legs, and I already know, like, this scene is gonna lead to sex. That scene's gonna be, like, suggestive, but I can close the door that one. But I already know which scenes are gonna have sex in them, but I leave that out. And then in draft 2 is when I go through front to back. I'm writing, I'm rewriting, I'm fluffing, I'm adding, and every time I go through that book, I am adding more to each scene so that it's full and it's fleshed out. That's how I do it and, like, you know, I know I am not one of them popular girls out here, but I feel like my books like, they work out it works out good for me. I wanna make sure that the the story is about the story and the sex is an added benefit. That's an obvious part of a modern adult relationship.

DL White [00:10:23]:

Anyway, I picked up 2 Audible originals, 1 More TO Die by Joy Ellis and Tell Her Story by Margo Hunt. I honestly don't remember what these books were about. They were short, like, 2 hours and whatever. I read those on the second or listened to those on the second. And then The Family Lies by Angela Henry, I believe publishes January 14th. So this coming up, so I had this as an arc. Like, this was really good until it was not. Angela Henry is a new to me author.

DL White [00:10:59]:

I think I started following her on TikTok around, like, 2023, and she had, it's not her first book, but the first book I know by her called The Perfect Ties or something like that. And that book was pretty good, but she gets to a point in her book where it kinda jumps off a cliff, and then it just becomes entirely too complicated, and I can't follow the story. This story, it was it was actually it was actually pretty good about a woman that gets a job managing, the, personal library of this very wealthy family. And there's just, like, a bunch of, like, not creepy, but, like, weird stuff that's happening in the house. Like, she has to live in the house. The dude that, owns the house and is, like, the patriarch of the family, I guess, that hires her. He's got, like, some weird stuff going on. It was, like, it was really good, and then, like, the last 4th of the book was just a lot of what? Wait.

DL White [00:12:07]:

What? What? So I think I gave it 3 stars. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't, like, the most amazing book I've I've ever read. The Family Lies by Angela Henry. And then I listened to The Setup by Falguni Kothari. This was pretty good. This was like it was an audible original about I believe they are a Daisy family and grandpa, I believe, or an uncle, I couldn't I I can't remember, is trying to set a young woman up with, a man so she can get married. And at first, they don't like each other, and then they start to grow on each other. It was really cute, and it was, you know, it's an audible original, so it was pretty short.

DL White [00:12:58]:

Then I stumbled upon this series, and I ate it all the way up. The Lacey James series by Chris Patchell. Lacey James is a I believe she's a young, investigator, detective. And, I found the first one, which I think is, find her, and it's been, I don't know, 10 days since I read this book, so I don't remember the exact, the, you know, the synopsis of the book. It's a police procedural, which is my absolute catnip. I ran through all 4 of the books in this series, in 2 days, which I'm want to do. Hello, Robert Dugoni, Kendra Elliott, Melinda Lee. I'm all over it.

DL White [00:13:52]:

So this series is really good. I really, really enjoyed it. All of these books, I believe, are available on Everand. If you are a member, I think they're also at Chirp if you wanna just buy them outright. I think I borrowed them not borrowed, but think I got them at Libro. I don't remember. Or maybe it was Everand. I don't know.

DL White [00:14:13]:

Can't remember. But Chris Patchell, really good series, and I think there is another coming out in that series in a few weeks, so I'm excited about that. And then I grabbed Brenda Novak shooting the moon from NetGalley. This is an audible, audio arc, and I take all the audio arcs I can get because I wanna keep getting more. This is a audio release of an old Brenda Novak book, and it showed it did not age well. It was rather uninteresting, but, it was a story about a guy who comes back to his hometown to claim the son that he, quote, unquote, left behind. The mother of his child died in a car accident, I believe, and his, mother's the the mother's the child's aunt has been raising him, and grandparents have, like, been taking over since the child's mother died. Like, way way back when they were dating, he was quote, unquote bad news from the other side of the tracks, and dad paid him to go away.

DL White [00:15:34]:

And he comes back like, hey. I need access to my son. And yeah. It's I mean oh, gosh. Yeah. White author's romance doesn't hit me at all anymore. It just doesn't it just doesn't do anything for me. But I listened to it.

DL White [00:15:56]:

I got all the way through it. Gotta send my review off to NetGalley, and we're done with that. And that's that's just gonna be the last that we're gonna do of that. And then I got Brenda Jackson released the first three books in the Westmoreland legacy series, The Rancher Returns, His Secret Son, and An Honorable Seduction in 1 bundle. So this was like a long listen. This took me, like, a couple days to get through. I put this on Blue Sky. Whenever I think that I have put too much sex in a book, I am just going to refer to Brenda Jackson romance because I promise you once her characters start having sex, it's sex in every chapter.

DL White [00:16:48]:

But the thing that miss Jackson does is that story is tight. There is a beginning and there is a climax and there is an end. That story is tight. The sex isn't like, the book the this the story isn't the sex. The story is the story and the sex enhances. There just is a lot of it. So I just sometimes, like, I I'm reading and I'm like, again? Oh my goodness. Whoo.

DL White [00:17:17]:

Lord. So I'm to the point where I kinda skip through a lot of that, and I just I just wanna know what happens in the story. Thankfully, there's so much pleasure in reading the story itself. So those 3 I got through. I can't say I will ever listen to 3 audiobooks in one bundle at a time ever again, but Brenda Jackson is not a bad way to spend a couple of days. And then had a couple days off from reading because that was a lot that was a lot of reading in 9 days. And then yesterday, I, picked up on well, actually, Friday, I picked up, The Secret Witness by Victor Methos because I was want I wanted to read book 2 then realized I hadn't read book 1, which was the secret witness, so I picked that up. It wasn't the best book I ever read.

DL White [00:18:11]:

I like Victor Methos, and I see why I started this and then stopped reading it because it was a little bit boring. But I did wanna read book 1 before I read book 2, so now I'm gonna pick up book 2. I don't even remember what the name of book 2 is, but I got that out of the way. So I can pick up book 2 now. So I got that, and then I read yesterday. I I have been so deep in thriller, suspense, mystery since January 1. I needed some romance. I woke up yesterday like I need a romance immediately.

DL White [00:18:44]:

And Rhys Ryan just released book 3 in the Love and Music Suite series. I believe this is her 1st self published series, and she's doing such an amazing job with it. I'm like I am so pleased and proud of this work that Ries Ryan has been doing. More than Friends is this, friends to lovers romance. And it's a second chance because they dated in high school and decided that they would rather be friends, except one of them did not really want to stay friends. And hence, like, that's how friends to lovers always is, which kinda ticks me off. Like, one of them is always, like like, hanging out in the cut, hoping the situation will change. Meanwhile, I will just take your friendship as a consolation prize.

DL White [00:19:32]:

It's never that they're, like, actual, like, friends. And then one day, they look at each other and they're like, hey. So, why haven't we ever like, that's the Friends to Lovers I wanna read. That's a Friends to Lovers I would write. So I got that read yesterday. It was excellent. Excellent. Like, when I am reading and talking back to the book and highlighting things, it's a good, good read.

DL White [00:20:01]:

I really, really enjoyed it. It's fun. It's set in Atlanta, which I like, a lot, and, I just really enjoyed it. It's very good. More Than Friends, A Second Chance, Friends To Love is Romance by Rhys Ryan. Like, I love a Rhys Ryan book. She is like a Sunday afternoon snuggle down with a book kind of author for me. I have several of those, like, Synthia Williams, Delaney Diamond, Sharon c Cooper, Nia Forester.

DL White [00:20:27]:

Like, if I have a Sunday afternoon and I need to fill it with a book, I will dig through their catalog for something I haven't read. Turn on, like, the fire channel on YouTube, or lately, I've been listening to, like, this lo fi channel and grab me a snack, a beverage, and I'm out. I am out, and that is the best day for me. So that was the 14 books I've read so far in January. I am, of course, not done reading because come on. But it's been a good look so far. I've been I've been happy with my reading. So moving on super quickly to books.

DL White [00:21:07]:

Sales have dropped considerably since the holidays. Of course, things really slow down when the kids go back to school and the earth catches on fire and or freezes. There's been a lot going on, so sales have been a little slow. I'm not promoting as much. There's not there's not a whole lot going on, but it'll pick up hopefully toward, like, the second half of the month. My books are in a book funnel promo. It's an indie sales promo, which is gonna move a lot slower, I think, than a, like, a giveaway, but this is definitely, geared toward supporting indie author sales. So that's at BookFunnel.

DL White [00:21:49]:

I'll be talking about that in my newsletter this week. Also, in my newsletter, I will be talking about, I think I told you guys I wrote a newsletter magnet, like a little a short little story that you can only get in my newsletter. You can now also get it if you are a paid subscriber to my short fiction substack at short fiction dot substack short fiction by dlwhite.substack.com. That's also loaded up there. If you are a paid subscriber, you have automatic access to that as well as my weekly serial. Same time next week, which is actually almost done. I have maybe 4 chapters, which is, like, 2 days worth of posting. That's almost almost done.

DL White [00:22:33]:

So if you were waiting to subscribe until same time next week was already all loaded up, you might as well go and subscribe now. It's $5 a month. Short fiction by dlwhite.substack.com. Get into it, same time next week is a serial. It's a interracial I should actually say it's, yeah, it's a interracial rock star romance that I wrote. It was fan fiction, and then it was original fiction, and I unpublished it because it's interracial. And I'd be writing black on black Negro nosed romance. So, I brought it back as a serial because, it's already written, and I have been publishing it twice a week in theory on my short fiction substack.

DL White [00:23:17]:

It is, paid access only. I do have some free stuff on there. I also have a fan fiction story that I started writing. I actually started writing it in August and kinda lost the plot and stopped updating. And then I got a email from a reader that said they had started it and wondered if I was going to finish it. And I was like, what? So I went back to the archive. I was like, oh, yeah. I did start this, and then I started getting ideas.

DL White [00:23:46]:

And so I have been updating that, and so that's really fun. And that one is that is a fun one about a woman named Zoe Chapman. She is an aspiring songwriter, and, she gets a chance to attend a songwriter's retreat with, JC Chasez. And this is a thing that he does, except I think he usually does it in Nashville. The story is called Music on My Heart because it was the only song title I could think of, which is weird. I'm trying to bring it up so I can, so I can read the synopsis. When aspiring songwriter Zoe Chapman joins JC Chasez's exclusive mountain retreat, she's looking for a musical mentorship, not to fall for the man behind the legend. But as the late night studio sessions blur the lines between professional and personal, they discover their hearts might be writing a very different song.

DL White [00:24:44]:

So, I started writing this in August, and I picked it up in December. It's just like some fun fan fiction stuff if you have any interest in in single whatsoever. I, almost exclusively write JC. He's just a very interesting character to me, especially JC in his forties as opposed to JC in his teens and twenties. It's been very fun to watch him grow as an artist, as a writer, as a person. And so writing this older, more mature mentor type person who still is susceptible to meeting someone amazing that they should probably avoid but can't. I like it a lot. So that's going on my short fiction substack.

DL White [00:25:36]:

Fan fiction is always free, and I have a couple I do have some fan fiction stories that are written there. And, I also I have the serial that's there. I believe I have one serial that's free there on the short fiction substack. That is the story of Kate, which I really, really, really loved writing. And, like, writing that really helped me write missing persons because I needed to kinda turn I just needed to turn my brain toward something that isn't so, like, lovey dovey soft place to landy. So there's the story of Kate that's up there. I really enjoyed writing. The photograph is, up there.

DL White [00:26:17]:

That's a 4 part series that I wrote for the podcast last year. Really enjoyed writing that, and all of those really helped push me toward writing missing persons, which is done, but I do need to go through, like, edits and rewrites and fluffing and adding and verify things I just made up because it sounded good. So very exciting things going on on the substack, but I was talking about book sales. So I'm at 5446 for the year. Sales are spread across basically Amazon and Draft2Digital, then I have 21/21 sales through book funnel, which is direct sales. So 21 sales through my, channels. But a lot of those were free, copies of The Guy Next Door. I was giving that away in audio.

DL White [00:27:08]:

For some reason, I can't remember. So most of those are giveaways. The sales through Amazon and Draft2Digital are, sales that have actual royalties attached to them. Biggest sellers this month are Leslie's Curl and Die in audio, The Guy Next Door, an ebook Home for the Holidays, like, 11 I sold 11 copies of Home for the Holidays in January, which is darn good. A thin line dinner at Sam's, and then I have a couple of sales of pearl at Black Diamond Bay and Elysium Black Diamond Vacation Romance. Those are both part of the Black Diamond series. And then a couple of straggler orders for a second time around, the guy next door and the WANSA brunch. That's kind of how my sales are.

DL White [00:28:00]:

And then, like, a couple sales, I guess, for hay lovers. So that's kinda how my sales are breaking down for the month. Not too bad. I mean, not great, but, like, not too bad so far. I am it's before 15th. So, like, if I hit if I hit $50 before 15th, it bodes well for the rest of the month. So I'm at 54.46. I'm just honestly, I just try to make a $100 a month.

DL White [00:28:29]:

That covers a lot of the subscriptions that I'm paying for, although I subsidize a lot of that with my own money. And then I have a I have, like, my Substack subscriptions and my BuzzFeed subscriptions that helps also pay some costs. But a lot of the costs of being an author and running a podcast, I am paying for out of pocket. And so what what I'm getting in royalties and subscriptions is actually reimbursing me for stuff I've already paid for. That's neither here nor there. You know what I'm saying? Get out of my pocket. So that's what's going on with book sales. Writing wise, it's been kinda slow.

DL White [00:29:15]:

I have been trying to write this Valentine's Day piece for a minute, and it's kinda not coming together. And I'm a little upset about it. Like, I I keep keep keeping changing the title because I can't even decide what the title should be, but I I don't know. We'll see we'll see how it goes. It just is not it's not really coming together. It's kind of a jumbled mess. I'm on, like, chapter 3, and I just keep going back to chapters 1 and 2 and fixing things because if it doesn't start right, then I I set off again on the wrong foot. It's currently called Rules in Romance.

DL White [00:29:53]:

It is kind of an opposites attract grumpy sunshine kind of thing. It's set in Atlanta in the tech space, which I really enjoy writing because I just like writing smart people. And, my characters happen to meet in the cafe at the co working space where they both work at. Sterling has just relocated to Atlanta from New York, and Simone lives in Atlanta. And she works for a tech company, and it's her job to, put together this hiring platform that her company is, putting together, and they're gonna premiere it at this big gala. And, Simone is very much an introvert. Probably not as bad as Esme in the Neverlist, but as an introvert, I do find myself writing introverts because I know them very well. So it's like like, I I want to write it.

DL White [00:30:45]:

I want it to come together, but I also want it to be short. And it just in my mind, it just keeps I feel like when I write short, I leave so much out, but I also don't want to write a 75,000 word novel. You know? I just want this to be like a cute short that's gonna be out for Valentine's Day. I'm gonna take a look at it later. We'll see how it shakes out. I might just need to give it some time and, you know, hit it really hard, toward the end of January. I don't really have time. I don't have time.

DL White [00:31:19]:

I don't I don't have time really to get it to my editor. I needed to be reading writing this in November in order for her to have it in January, but here's where we are. So I don't know what I'm gonna do about that. I know she listens to the podcast. This is not any pressure. This is not, an editor Kai problem. This is a d l white problem. So I may not get it written in time.

DL White [00:31:46]:

It may be something I write and shoot out, and, y'all just have fun with all the typos in it. I'll I would never do that, maybe. I don't know. I I just wanna be I I wanna write more. I wanna publish more, and I just wanna be less rigid about how it has to come out. You know? Like, it doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to be edited to the nth degree. And editing is editing is not terribly expensive because I have a very good editor who is cognizant of how much indie authors have to put their own money into their writing.

DL White [00:32:25]:

This is not absolutely not sucking up to my editor. We have had this conversation. But, also, I wanna reserve those funds for my full length projects that desperately need an extra eye. So these things where it's gonna be 5 or 8 chapters, you know, and I'm gonna sell it for 99¢. I'm not gonna spend on editing it. I'm just I'm I'm just not. And, you know, sue me, but I'm just not. So that's kinda where that is.

DL White [00:32:58]:

It's currently called rules and romance. Maybe I'll switch the maybe I'll switch the order and it could be romance and rules, but I don't like that. The idea is that it's kind of an opposite to attract kinda thing, and so I wanna I wanna play on the two sides of this equation. Like, you know, it's a it's a very grumpy sunshine kind of thing. So I may change the name again. I I don't know. So there's there's there's that. The other thing I'm writing is the fan fiction story, and I just published chapter 7 on Friday.

DL White [00:33:35]:

I don't know that I have another chapter in me this weekend. I wanna think about what the next chapter entails. It's a little bit of a field trip, and I just need to I need to think about it and put it together. So I'm probably gonna think about that this week and probably write it Thursday and post it Friday. That's used to be my old, fan fiction publishing schedule. I usually write on the weekends, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, then I edit, think about what I'm gonna write post. So that way, readers always have a week to, like, read it, react to it, you know, offer comments and feedback, etcetera. Meanwhile, I'm thinking about and writing the next chapter.

DL White [00:34:21]:

And I kind of have adapted that also to writing my books and my commercial fiction. So there's that. What else do I have going on? Let me open up Dabble here and see what's popping. I do have, the Berkeley sisters, which is the sisters trilogy I've been yammering about for, like, 2 years now. Missing persons, which I still need to get into. Calculated risk is in here. That's with the editor. I have to turn that in at the end of February.

DL White [00:34:49]:

Again, that's part of a group project. Still I arise, I haven't touched. I did add, like I don't know. I tried to do some editing on it, and I, like, I feel like I added, like, half a chapter to that in the last year, but it's still on the docket. And, I also was trying to do an epilogue to the never list, and I can't even tell you the title because that would be a spoiler. But, I wanna dig back into that and see if I could just do a fun little 5 chapter update to that story because I just love Esme and Trey, and I have the perfect little update to that couple. I just gotta I just have to get it out of my brain. You know? So that's what's happening over here.

DL White [00:35:36]:

Ain't nothing going on with the rent is what my mama would say. Yeah. That's what's happening here at Books by DL White. I am reading a lot. I am writing a lot. I am you know, I'm just trying to make it. I'm just trying to make it over here. I feel like I'm doing better than I was in November December, but I am kind of dreading the back half of January.

DL White [00:36:02]:

I just know I'm gonna be digging hard into reading, into writing, working, getting the work done. I'm somewhat unmotivated. It could have a lot to do with this cold, but also, like, that vacation was long, and it was really, really needed, and I hated to come back. Even though I really like my job, I hated to come back and, like, dig back into work and meetings and scheduling things, and the emails were flying. I definitely just eased eased real slow, nice and slow back into the year. So it is Sunday. I have coffee. I went through my, my planner and all of my streaming channels, and I wrote down all of the things that I have saved in my watch later cues and wrote them all down.

DL White [00:36:56]:

So I have lists on lists on lists of things I can be watching besides the news, things I can be looking at besides doomscrolling on all the social media sites, things I can be reading, writing, or watching for this next however long. That's how I'm gonna be making it through. I am so very interested in your plan for the next few years, how you are going to be pulling yourself through what I feel are gonna be some very interesting, and by interesting, I mean terrible times. So feel free to shout me out a holler. This episode will be on my website at books by d l white dot bookcast.com/107. You can also hit this episode on my substack, or you can shoot me an email. It's author d l white at books by d l white dot com. I'm sorry.

DL White [00:37:54]:

It's author d l at books by d l white dot com. I welcome your comments, questions, feedback, what have you. That brings us to the end of today's show. So I will bid you adieu, but not before thanking you so much for joining me for today's chat. I really enjoy having you here. Again, I welcome any comments or feedback at books by dlwhite.com/bookcast/107. You'll find full show notes, links to all the things I talked about if they're relevant, and a transcript for today's show. Please share the podcast if you really enjoyed the sound of my voice as I appear to.

DL White [00:38:37]:

And if you listen on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or Substack, give a girl a rating, a comment, a hand clap, a re a repost, restack. I really appreciate it. Do not forget, you can support this podcast with your book purchases at payhipdot com slash books by dlwhite by spreading the good word, like repost all my social media, what have you, by joining the newsletter or the substack. The links will be on my website at books by dlwhite.com/linkinbio. You can also buy you can also throw some coins in the hat at book cast.buzzprout.com. Thank you so much to my monthly supporters. Your gift covers my Buzzsprout subscription. I really appreciate the support and as a thank you, I have added you to comped users at short fiction by dlwhite.substack.com.

DL White [00:39:31]:

So people who support the pod people who support the podcast with their funds are automatically added to subscribers on the short fiction substack, so they get access to everything that is available to paid subscribers over there. I figured that would be a nice little perk. The broadcast is written, produced, and edited by me, d r White. Our theme music and any sound effects are provided by. I will be back next week. Until then, please enjoy your weekend. Have a superlative week, and we'll chat again soon. Bye bye.

[ghostingfee]

This 2007 book review of Anderson's novel 'Twisted' by John Green is a really good book review and a great example of a review if any of you are. Interested in writing reviews of contemporary novels.

Anderson also briefly responded to it in this blog post

Review under the cut:

By JOHN GREEN

June 3, 2007

Even a decade ago, there were very few books in the young adult section of the bookstore that a reasonably sophisticated 16-year-old would enjoy. Back then, “YA” novels were almost always written for (and sold to) middle-school students. Now, books like “The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing” and “The Book Thief” are being read not only by teenagers but also by their parents.

So it is not entirely surprising that before the first chapter of Laurie Halse Anderson’s new novel, “Twisted,” there is a bold note, seemingly stamped onto the page: “This is not a book for children.” This is ostensibly a warning (though by the standards of contemporary books for teenagers, “Twisted” is tame). But it is also a marketing ploy: after all, no self-respecting teenager considers herself a child.

Many people contributed to the transformation in the audience for young adult novels, but one of the most important was Anderson. Her novel “Speak” (1999) was one of the first seriously good books published for teenagers to be read widely by them. It tells the story of Melinda Sordino, a clanless outcast who barely endures her freshman year at a suburban high school, and it features one of the best young narrative voices this side of Holden Caulfield.

Anderson’s new novel, “Twisted,” isn’t set in the same suburb, but it might as well be. We find ourselves again in an upper-middle-class public school ruled by an iron-fisted social elite. But this time our guide is a guy — the world-class loser Tyler Miller, who at the start of his senior year is just wrapping up a community service stint imposed in punishment for what he calls “the Foul Deed.” (It involved spray-painting graffiti all over school. In the novel’s funniest moment, Tyler laments having misspelled “testicle.”)

Tyler isn’t eager to return to school; in fact, he prefers manual labor. “I was good at digging holes,” he notes. It’s the rest of life he’s not good at.

He may be enrolled in three A.P. courses and calculus, but Tyler is seriously troubled. He immediately begins doing poorly in most of his classes. His nerdy best friend, Yoda, is looking to date Tyler’s sister. And Tyler is in love (or lust, anyway) with Bethany, whose dad runs the company Tyler’s dad works for. Tyler’s dad, an accountant turned executive who is routinely humiliated by his boss, is at home a venomously cruel man prone to rage and emotional abuse. His and Tyler’s tortured relationship is the axis on which “Twisted” turns. The familial clashes feel suffocatingly, terrifyingly authentic here — and ultimately help keep the tension high when Tyler is accused of posting photos of a drunk and naked Bethany online.

“Twisted” is not another “Speak.” It charts a less original narrative course, and the resolution is too pat — a happy ending that doesn’t quite convince. And Tyler’s voice, while believable, does not lodge in one’s memory like Melinda’s. But the new novel is like “Speak” in one important respect: flaws aside, it’s the kind of book that some readers, particularly boys, will keep under their beds for years, turning to it again and again for comfort and a sense of solidarity. “Twisted” is a story that allows boys their sensitivity. Guys may not admit they need such stories, but they do.

In “Speak,” Melinda fantasizes about the things she might say but never does. In “Twisted” the fantasies are different — they are physical. Tyler imagines blowing up the school (at 3 a.m. so no one will get hurt) and pounding on his father. The way he works through his destructive thoughts is active, too. At a critical moment of intense pain, Tyler and Yoda go to the batting cage rather than talk. Toward the end of the book, Tyler tells his tormenter, “A real man faces his conflicts.” That confrontation may involve talking, but the implication throughout the book is that facing one’s conflicts is, for men, largely a nonverbal affair.

This conception of masculinity strikes me as simplistic (to be fair, I am kind of a wimp). But there is room in this world for more than one way of being a guy. What Anderson finds in this book is a way to celebrate the urges traditionally associated with male adolescence — for sex, for domination, for power — without glorifying violence or misogyny. Many teenagers will appreciate that, especially those who, like Tyler, are finding their way in a world suspicious of them.

So, no, this is not a book for children. Of course it isn’t. These days, hardly any worthwhile book on the young adult shelves is.

[charbear177]

7 Series To Watch This Winter

Winter is almost here, the days are shorter, and you may spend more time indoors and at home. On a chilly day, there is nothing better than curling up with a good book or a binge-worthy show. Of course, there are tons of options of things to watch but choosing can prove tedious and frustrating. Well, I have some pretty good suggestions for you in this blog and I have something for everyone on my list.

I enjoyed and was entertained by the series on this list and think you may also enjoy one or all of them. These shows can be found on Netflix, Hulu, Disney Plus or Apple TV. So here is my list of the five series to watch this fall.

7 Shows To Stream This Winter

Cross

Series adaptation of James Patterson novels about the complicated and brilliant detective, Alex Cross. - IMDB

There are more than 30 books in the Alex Cross series and I think I have read them all. This new series is fantastic and does them justice. It’s exciting and much like the books, a page-turner. Great characters and great acting.

You can currently watch the series on Amazon Prime.

Agatha All Along

A spell-bound Agatha Harkness regains freedom thanks to a teen's help. Intrigued by his plea, she embarks on the Witches' Road trials to reclaim her powers and discover the teen's motivations. - IMDB

This was a fun, witchy watch. Although it is Marvel, it doesn’t feel like it, which was nice. It is dark and suspenseful and keeps you asking “what is she up to?”.

You can watch Agatha All Along on Disney+ or Hulu.

Rivals

Follows Rupert Campbell-Black and Tony Baddingham as they have a longstanding rivalry that comes to a head. - IMDB

I have to be honest, the IMDB description does not do this series justice. Rivals is based on very popular books and is spicy. There is lots of nudity and sex but plenty of plot and intrigue as well. The ending of season one shocked me and I cannot wait for more.

Rivals will return for a second season on Hulu.

Shrinking

A grieving therapist starts to tell his clients exactly what he thinks. Ignoring his training and ethics, he finds himself making huge changes to people's lives - including his own.- IMDB

Shrinking is a great show. It deals with friendships, relationships, and parenting after the loss of a parent. It is funny, sad, and relatable in so many ways. Season two is currently premiering on Apple TV.

The Lincoln Lawyer

Need a lawyer? Call Mickey Haller. He runs his law practice out of his Lincoln, and he's ready to hit the gas. Moving through Los Angeles, he takes cases while balancing a private life that includes being a father and having two ex-wives. - IMDB

The Lincoln Lawyer is a great legal drama from the defense perspective, which we rarely get to see. Each season follows multiple cases Mickey is working on as well as his personal and professional drama. Season 3 recently premiered and ended with a big cliffhanger.

You can watch all three seasons right now on Netflix.

Nobody Wants This

An agnostic sex podcaster and a newly single rabbi fall in love; discovering if their relationship survives their wildly different lives and meddling families. - IMDB

Nobody Wants This is a cute romantic comedy that is easily binge-worthy. You can watch season 1 on Netflix now and it has been picked up for a second season.

Silo

Men and women live in a giant silo underground with several regulations which they believe are in place to protect them from the toxic and ruined world on the surface. - IMDB

Silo has become one of my favorite science fiction series. It has layers and layers of mystery. The cast is great and the visuals of the massive silo are breathtaking.

Season 2 is currently showing on Apple TV.

Virgin River

Seeking a fresh start, nurse practitioner Melinda Monroe moves from Los Angeles to a remote Northern California town and is surprised by what and who she finds. - IMDB

Virgin River is a little Hallmark-y but it is nice to watch. There is romance and intrigue and sweet wholesome stories set in the picturesque Northern California. The show is very popular but don’t let that stop you from giving it a try.

Season 6 premieres on December 19th.

You now have plenty of options to choose from for your next binge-worthy show. Any recommendations for me? Let me know. Enjoy!

[how2fit]

For runner Allyson Felix, the Olympic games are a way of life. She’s literally competed in the Olympics for the majority of her life. Now 38, the track and field champion has racked up 11 Olympic medals over the course of her career since her first Games in 2004 in Athens, Greece, at the age of 18. For the first time in 20 years, she won’t be competing in the Olympics. Felix officially announced her retirement from her signature races (the 100, 200, and 400 meters) in 2022. It’s a huge shift for the Olympian, but Felix is far from distancing herself from the sport. Here’s how she’s staying purposeful post-retirement, and the one thing she regrets from her long Olympic run. A purposeful pivot Felix may not be competing in this year’s Games, but she’s still doing her part to help highlight and fund high-achieving female athletes. In addition to her Voice in Sport mentorship and her recent $20 million grant from Melinda Gates to address maternal health, she also partnered with Cracker Jack to lead the Cracker Jill Spotlight Squad—an initiative to support the next generation of game-changing female athletes. “There's so many more stories, so many more women in sport who need the visibility,” Felix says. “When you see someone who looks like you who's doing something incredible, it shows that you could do that as well.” Felix's own inspiration came from several fellow athletes, like Jackie Joyner Kersee, Serena Williams, and Lisa Leslie, to name a few. “When you see someone who looks like you who's doing something incredible, it shows that you could do that as well.” “Jackie always told me to focus on myself, and that it takes a really long time to be great at something. I think that really made me slow down the process,” Felix says. “As athletes, you want to have success right away, but she made me understand that it was really about the long game.” Since hanging up her track spikes, Felix also started her own running brand, Saysh, in 2021. Saysh designs running shoes for women, by women, and even has a unique maternity return policy. Customers can trade in their Saysh sneakers for a new pair as their feet change with pregnancy—an important element for Felix as a maternal health advocate and mother of two. “I started Saysh out of necessity. I had been with Nike for almost a decade, and after I wasn’t fully supported through my pregnancy I left,” she says. Felix reflects on how difficult competition became when she started to think about expanding her family, choosing to wait to have kids because of what she saw her teammates go through. "They were not supported through their pregnancies. It was really hard to see that—to see women hide pregnancies. I did the same thing myself and trained at 4 a.m. so no one would know that I was pregnant. We did all of this because we were trying to secure new contracts," she says. "It was a really difficult time, so that's a huge motivation for me in all my advocacy work. I don’t want any other woman to feel like she has to choose between her profession and motherhood, and definitely not have to hide bringing new life into this world.” Felix may have moved away from competition, but she's redirected her energy toward other things she's passionate about that can make meaningful change for other women. “[Since retiring], I've been able to do things I've wanted to do for a long time in the running space, but also continuing to advocate for female athletes and spending a lot of time on the Black maternal health crisis,” she says. What the Olympic track champion would’ve done differently As an 11-time Olympic medalist and 21-time world champion, it’s hard to believe Felix would have any regrets. But with conversations around mental health coming to the forefront during the 2020 Tokyo Olympic games, it allowed Felix to reflect on her own mental health during her career. “At the height of my career, I probably wasn't the most healthy. I feel like [I] had this mentality of at any cost, [I] just kept pushing forward,” she says.

The shift that’s happening on a global stage to de-stigmatize mental health is something Felix wishes could have happened sooner. “I was so proud of Simone [Biles] and Naomi [Osaka] and what they've done over the years. I think it really has such an impact to be able to say that it's okay to not be okay. And it's okay to prioritize taking care of yourself. That can exist in the same space as being an elite athlete,” she says. “I don’t want any other woman to feel like she has to choose between her profession and motherhood, and definitely not have to hide bringing new life into this world.” Felix reflects on difficult moments during her career that she pushed through, like personal issues and a death in the family. No matter the circumstance, she sprinted through them instead of stopping to take care of her mental health. “I pushed through everything, and I don't think that was the best thing. I think what I would have done differently is take a moment for myself,” she says. “Self care was something that was kind of non existent [back then]. If I would have known some of these things, I probably would have done things a little bit differently myself.” Now on the other side of her Olympic career, Felix has more time to practice self care in between her new endeavors as a businesswoman, mom, advocate, and sports commentator—but the shift from competitive running is one she’s still adjusting to. “The Olympics have been my life for so long and preparing for them. I've had moments where I'm like, ‘Oh my gosh, I feel like I should be getting ready,’” she says. “So I'm excited to take them in as a spectator and just experience it from a different perspective.”

[i-believe-in-melinda-may]

When i write things like this i realize the story is becoming more Natasha/Tony/Melinda as a trio rather than just Mel/Nat (and I'm not completely sure i'm mad about it)

A little while after Melinda explained a little about her new family to Yelena is walking into the living area where Tony and Natasha is, Melinda having stayed with Yelena until she fell asleep and checked on Bobbi and Daisy.

“The girls asleep?” Tony asks curious when he sees Melinda.

“Yep, all three girls are sound asleep,” Melinda explains, as she sits down in one of the armchairs.

“Good,” Natasha says, and Melinda can feel her concern.

“Yelena went off okay, she’s a little overwhelmed by everything, but she’s okay,” Melinda assures her.

“Good, good,” Natasha says, clearly relieved, and because Natasha clearly needs a minute Melinda turns to Tony.

“I thought G was teleporting everyone who needed home,” Melinda says, as that’s what she thought.

“Is that your way of saying your want me gone? Because if so Meal Mellie, I’m hurt,” Tony teases, and Melinda knows that he is not actually annoyed.

“You’ll live,” Melinda responds, rolling her eyes. “And you know I didn’t mean it like that,” Melinda tells him.

“I can’t be so sure, I mean, people want to feel wanted Mellie,” Tony tells her, purposely being overdramatic, and once he does Melinda picks up a pillow which she throws at him.

“Does that make you feel wanted?” Melinda asks.

“Yeah, it does, it means you care,” Tony responds.

“How have you two not killed each other by now?” Natasha asks, as from what she has seen Melinda and Tony constantly fight.

“Easily,” Tony responds.

“It may not always seem like it, but we decided a long time ago that no matter what else was going on we’d always be always be on each other’s side, it makes everything we’ve been through, everything that’s our normal, bearable,” Melinda explains.

“Oh,” Natasha says, not completely sure what to say to that.

“For the record G offered to teleport me, but I didn’t want to leave my car here,” Tony explains.

“Is this about your Porsche again? Because you need to get over that, it was eight years ago,” Melinda tells Tony.

“It was brand new!” Tony exclaims.  

“You’re the one who made the dare, what exactly were you expecting?” Melinda asks.

“Not that,” Tony responds.

“G was just involved as me, why doesn’t he get the hard time?” Melinda asks.

“Because G wasn’t driving,” Tony responds, and while Natasha would very much like that story she assumes now isn’t the time to ask so she makes a note to ask another time. “If it’s okay I thought I would stay here tonight and drive to New York tomorrow, there’s a couple of things I wanted to check on,” Tony admits, his voice going from the friendly banter one he was just using to serious.

“Fine with me,” Melinda responds.

“Um, could I stay too?” Natasha asks nervously. “I just want to be here in case Yelena needs something,” Natasha admits.

“Of course you can, I figured you would be,” Melinda admits. “You’ll have to bunk with me though, Tony kicks, and talks in his sleep, so he can have the couch,” Melinda explains.  

“Fine with me,” Natasha responds.

“What don’t I get a vote?” Tony asks.

“No,” Melinda and Natasha respond.

“Fine,” Tony says with a pout. “but in that case you owe me a story,” Tony says.

“What story is that?” Melinda asks.

“What really happened in Ohio,” Tony responds. “And in return I’ll tell you the ways I’ve made Obie’s life difficult in the past month,” Tony explains, knowing Melinda would want to know that.

“Who’s Obie?” Natasha asks confused.

“A cockroach,” Melinda answers.

“Obadiah Stane, his dad gave my Dad the funding Dad needed to start Stark when no one else would give money to the son of Jewish German immigrates,” Tony explains, and Natahsa is shocked to find out Howard, and therefore Tony, are Jewish. “Because of that deal Dad could never get rid of Obie’s father and I can never get rid of him,” Tony says, looking less than happy about that. “What I can do is subtly annoy him,” Tony says, knowing he hopes that one day Obie decides to just quit, but he unfortunately doesn’t see that happening.

“Sounds like you have to,” Natasha admits.

“Thank you! You understand!” Tony says amazed. “Mellie you’ve got good taste in friends,” Tony says with a grin.

“I know,” Melinda tells him, smiling at Natasha, as she can feel how much it means to her to hear that. “Do you want to hear about what happened in Ohio first or do you want to talk about Obie?” Melinda asks.

“Ohio,” Tony answers, and once he does Melinda and Natasha start to explain what happened in Ohio after which Tony talks about what he’s been doing to Obie and the three of them just spend a while talking until Melinda and Natasha finally head up to Melinda’s room while Tony makes himself comfortable on the couch.