#haven't had any of those yet
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Of the 85 job apps I've sent out (on just Indeed), I've gotten 25 rejections, and 3 employers who have reached out (2 of which did not respond after I responded). I've been on 2 job interviews and never heard back from either of them afterwards. How am I not supposed to be upset and angry?
#Eli Speaks#im just so tired of this#someone plz hire me so i can have some gd damn positive change in my life#cause lately it just feels like shit is getting worse and worse#I just want one good thing#if i could make an irl friend that would be nice#but going out and doing shit usually means spending money#which i have none of#so it really doesnt feel like anything will change until i can get a job#im trying not to doom spiral but it's getting harder everyday#this is the worst my mental health has been since I was 15 and having debilitating panic attacks#haven't had any of those yet#but would not be surprised if one happened soon#i just want one good thing please
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So a bunch of emotions have just hit me like a truck. Hopefully rereading/analysing mdzs today will fix that.
#had a load of thoughts last night and i came to the conclusion that “oh i really am on my own here”#at least for now bc i haven't talked to any of my friends about this yet#this could also be a thing that can make or break those relationships so idk#but also i'm still quite unsure of how i actually feel#mo dao zu shi#mdzs#thoughts#kia's posts#kia's thoughts#personal#march 2025
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friend gift acquired
the whole gang is hereeeeeee
#I keep giggling looking at my friend's drawing of Shadow Milk#a stand in for pf I haven't finished yet#now I'm literally just hugging Sparkle plushie I get why people collect those#ALSO tbob is hereeee#literally sitting and lying down surrounded by chaos sillies#I don't have a type I don't but then I kind of have merch... and mostly for only them#also I need to draw Shadow Milk as some of the tbob pages or at least things from there bc they fit#sadly I don't have Flowey as pf rn (I had like 3 and all are lost by now)#Bill is hidden in another book I have and I'm not taking him out#but yay#this marks my Gravity Falls collection basically fully complete as it is with the only thing missing being the retellings of the show#and the coloring book is.... somewhere idk where but SOMEWHERE I sure had it#for the first merch I really really wanted GF is most satisfying to collect#I don't count MLP though! I didn't have nearly as many things for mlp I did have a lot of them but not too much#GF on the other hand was in my life in every period of my life somehow#like if me from 2017 saw just what I have rn they would've been sooo jealous but extremely happy#bc that same teen got Journal 3 as a gift and immediately read it because I had literally no spoilers for it#and even though I've read EVERY spoiler possible for tbob last July-August holding it in my hands is an experience#like some of the things just WORK better when you have the book itself instead of just a photo or something#it's also better since it's well in your hands as a book instead of just scrolling in the internet or something#it's also the most Bill had continuing “screen time” in any GF media if we don't include the AMA the AMA was somewhat similar#again if teen me would've been jealous kid me would've probably screamed that this thing exists#I have never been normal about this particular show despite never posting about it as a kid#since well. I was a kid I wanted to keep to myself and enjoy in peace since I was still a pre-teen or teen#and also this specific book and the fixation it started saved my second summer camp fun#anyway plush Sparkle is the softest I missed the feel of getting new plushies
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Small test run of Infinity Nikki done! Mostly just finished the tutorial (and kicked Momo around), but it so far it seems pretty fun~
Also photo mode is so nice ♥
#there's some janky animations in those manual progress cutscenes#and after the crash cutscene i had some big lag#but that vanished after progressing the quest#tutorial was somewhat annoying (i hate those “and now click here” ones that refuse to let you do anything else before you finish them)#but didn't take that long#and yeah the photo mode is a godsent for someone used to gpose lol#so many games have pretty graphics but absolutely refuse to let you pose for pics#or god forbid edit colors or lights to make them look better#i can maybe see some of the same problems that shining nikki had#as in. 3d outfits refusing to play nice together when mixing outfits#as that was something i loved doing in love nikki#but so far i haven't got any “you can't use that piece with this outfit” that i remember getting A LOT during shining#anyway uhhhhhh#i should probably come up with a tag for these pics#for organizational purposes u know?#neri in miraland#that'll do#AH also if any mutuals/followers try the game feel free to toss your friend codes my way 👉👈#i've yet to see what the friend system even lets you do but still#infinity nikki#edit: oh right i forgot to clarify - if you walk into momo he kinda shuffles out of your way#and if you keep doing it multiple times he comments something about it lol#i got “okay okay i'll get out of the way!” and something about him need some protective gear lol
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my mother just put our dogs' birthdays on the family google calendar Lmao
#just me hi#she is so fond of those dogs man kdjdjfjdj#we haven't had any other kind of pet where she's put their bday on the Family Google Calendar jahdjs#i just got a whole email about it. TWO emails about it bc she put them on seperate days i think#there are some things i have yet to understand man jfhdjfj#//also they have ice cream at my place of work rn LET'S GO 💥#our boss just walked in here out of nowhere after being MIA for who knows how long like 'we have ice cream :D' Jfhdjfj#//bruh i just funked this coil like 3 times in a row what the hell#go in the. no i won't say that actually Kskdjhfjs#anyway i gotta lock back in. aura playlist is on NOW [tears in eyes]#CIAO 💥‼️
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I think I should start dying my hair more before I cut it all off. Lately I've gotten into a pattern of cutting my hair to be like an 1 ½ or 2 inches long, then growing it out to like 7+ inches all around, and then chopping it all off again. And recently I've wanted to dye my hair again but I don't know if I'm gonna run into a position where some job or whatever isn't gonna like hire people that have unnatural hair colors and then have to get rid of it/leave the job so like. If I dye it before I get to the phase of chopping it all off, then if I get in that problem I can cut it all off like I wanted to anyways since it's getting a little too long for my liking. Or maybe I'm caring too much about some job and should dye my hair whenever. I don't know.
#I've had it purple before and red before and I've really liked those. I will probably go back to those some day.#And it wasn't bright colorss or anything cause i don't ever bleach my hair first.#And I've veen told my hair is a pretty dark shade of brown.#But I've always wanted to try blue or green as well. And honestly I have thought about black before as well.#I've been thinking about going for green a lot lately and I think I'm really leaning towards it but I'm just not fully there yet.#And I'm still bouncing around if maybe I want to revisit red or purple first. Cause yes i wanna do blue and green at some point.#But I don't need to follow an 'order'. I can just. Do whatever. and it'll be fine.#This sounds silly but one of my bigger things is i just dont know if green fits anything in my wardrobe.#I'm not feeling very blue I'll be honest so that's not rewlly on the table at the moment.#I might’ve waited a little long for this idea cause my hair isn't really LONG but it's. getting close to longer than I'd like.#Especially cause I haven't gotten any haircut or trim at any point so it's really just doing what it wants.#hm. hmmmmmmmm. hmmm. we'll just have to go with the feelings on this one. whatever floats rhe boat.#This is the last thing I need to overthink unless the thinking is whimsy indulgence.#OH THANKS THUMB FOR INSTINCTIVELY SCROLLING OVER TO ADD A TAG.#Nooooo this is just Kane nonsense. No F/O tags. for now.
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Damned Masterpost
Original run
ZEX wasn’t there for that, Dex!
Getting started
Kissing Strangers 💋
Captain Dating Sim
If I become lost...
It started with a whisper
Perfect comedy routine
Flowers for you!
ZEX loves wild horse!
Dexter’s first visit
Pivotal bright spot
Sunshine Captain ☀️
But ZEX loves humans!
Uniform ♥
Hard learning curve
Big Guy Teisel
VUXisms
ZEX’s hair <3
Haunted by Kayako
Zelnick has two hands
Zelnick’s gone :(
ZEX’s MU (blood)
Them (blood)
Leaving weird impressions
Last man standing
Wake up somewhere better (blood)
Despite everything, he’s still ZEX
New Daay
DAX profile
DAX Expressions
VUX duo Expressions
Lover’s tiff Expressions
Action heroes Expressions (blood)
Roughed up VUX Expressions (blood)
Too busy flirting
The Little VUXmaid ---
What if DAX was there
DAX’s Special Counseling
Homesick
After ZEX’s MU
Hope we die (blood)
Max’s visit
Karaoke Night
The girlies are fightinnggg
Different sensibilities
ZEX’s hair, again
Protect him, please
VUXémon
The three of them
Wander I mean Dr. Doran
More Dr. Doran
“Wake up” configurations
More VUXémon ft. Larry and Kabu
Dismissed ---
First re-meeting ♥
Chill, Sub-Commander
Each other’s VUX
Pyramid Head fight (blood)
Dr. Vargas
VUX silliness
Therapy went great
Nightly squabbles
You must snuggle
Obeying commands
Locked In
Damned, but make it Osmosis Jones
Wants to fight so bad
Some familiar faces
Drix Uniform
Main three’s profiles
Other
Stanley profile speculations
Max wants out
Crystal Gem VUX
All those missing eyes
2024 Sketchdump
#Damned#And this is still Just Damned - not including Helix where it doesn't intersect or the larger SCII tag#Whoah#There is something a bit familiar about this kind of structure!#I mentioned back in the ask about Just Desserts not(yet) having a masterpost that I wasn't entirely sure how to make one but hm!#I've made the taglists over on Drabbles and VLH and this is Somewhat similar - and I have another post that's more like this elsewhere#So not entirely foreign to me! Not something I've done over here tho#I figured with the tag being rude and not showing like - a dozen posts??? That's absurd >:0 And I know it's not tag differences!#I clicked on the specific tag the not-showing posts were tagged with and they just Do Not Appear!#Literally have never had that happen on-blog that's only ever been a search/dash thing ugh pls stop with the tungl code pfbtl |P#So! Masterpost! Always be able to find the guys you're looking for!#But also human error lol if there's any that stick out as being missing or accidentally double-linked just shout it out#Did a lot of reorganizing for the original run as some of my doodles were made/posted out of order of the actual events#Very event-obscuring >:3c Some of those didn't even happen! They were just for funsies! Haha#I did leave out Max demanding his body back from ZEX - to the Other list - as that was All speculative and not shown anywhere#The rest are all at least in reference to things that officially happened - pretty sure#Also got a bit silly with some of the captions hehe ♪ Not all of them but a few :) Fun!#''Daay'' is spelled like that intentionally hehe >:3c#And has three sections because! a) Digital b) Speculations c) Actual happenings so far#With some not-happenings silliness mixed in there so you're never quite sure what is and isn't real! Haha#And then the last two with the least amount - or most if you count the sketchdump by volume rather than number of sets lol#What else might fall into this category! It remains to be seen :) The ideas haven't stopped yet#And of course it's too much fun to want to stop ♥
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.
#if i'm quiet it's bc i'm still processing#i haven't reached the acceptance point pointvand i can't be glib or funny about it#i keep just starting to full-on sob#like a lot of it is selfish - comparatively i'm better off than many and not much will change right away#but i'm old. i'm not super sure i'll make it another 4 years like i just have this feeling i won't#and i'm crying for the loss of what we could have had as much as for all of those who will die#it's almost worse that there was a clear way forward that we took in a better timeline#i'm crying because there's proof that so much of this country is evil and stupid and arrogant and apathetic#huge swathes of it are not but we have to admit that there are a lot of the others#it really is grief for the united states of america that existed and it's selfish and not helpful and i can't stop it yet#today someone i work with really ssid to me 'y'all really think trump is gonna send people to your house and take you away'#and i said he told us he would - he said he would specifically target immigrants and received the reply#'well yeah of course - the illegals ...'#so many folks are already setting their sights on the next fight and ready to roll up their sleeves and keep pushing#and i just can't stop crying#palestine is gone. the supreme court is locked for the rest of my life. who knows if there will ever even be another election#maybe that was the last one. maybe that was the last one women will be able to vote in. who knows.#i remember this feeling from when my parents died but i'm not any better dealing with it now than i was then
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i love mutant mayhem. i think one of my only complaints about the movie would be the fact that the turtles appeared entirely as a unit — i can't think of a single scene where the boys appeared separately, except the post-credits!!
the chemistry that they all had was phenomenal, but i wish they had been able to get some separate screentime. that's just hard to do with a movie.
so. i am so looking forward to TOTTMNT giving us episodes that can focus on the individual turtles instead of all 4 of them at once
#like you know how rise gives all the boys their own -centric episodes?#i want that!#i want episodes that focus on raph in his sports clubs and donnie sneaking out to concerts. and i want to see them shine in seperate duos!#rise had a lot of mikey & donnie content (love them) and obviously leo & raph have always gotten the spotlight#i can't talk for 87 or 03 because i haven't seen those yet — or any of the comics#but i think i'd dare to say that 2012 put a little bit of emphasis on raph & mikey#its about time tmnt gives us a focus on leo & mikey or donnie & raph as a duo#tmnt#mutant mayhem#chara thoughts
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if anyone is waiting for anything from me (be it an ooc response in IMs or some sort of beginning to an interaction), please know i'm not ignoring you or not disinterested! (ꈍ ‸ ꈍ✿)
i was sick all week last week and now we're diving headfirst into the holidays, so i've been a bit scatterbrained with remembering to reply to things — i guarantee it's me, not you ♡
ty for your patience; i'm stoked to explore dynamics together!
#˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ 《 ooc 》#i promise you i'm The Person who will read an IM and then think to myself “i'll reply to this in a sec!”#literally forget a second later#and then just forget the IM is there because there's no notification in my face anymore#that being said tho! i know i've had a few ooc discussions with some of you recently#about starting interactions that haven't kicked off the ground yet!#i PROMISE i'm HERE for those interactions and excited!#you have not been forgotten and we WILL do fun things together <3#i appreciate everyone being patient in the meantime#also with the pjo show coming out tomorrow that's about to become my entire personality again#comfort content let's go u.u/#so i'll prolly be doing a lot more blog-hopping and giving my boy leo some extra love but!#none of that takes away from my eternal obsession with this man#and all of the dynamics i've discussed so far + any to look forward to in the future >w> stay tuned~
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Neuvillette: Do you really have to use me as an underwater bus?
Arlecchino: Oh shut up, you know you love me
Neuvillette: Yeah, you're right
#their dynamic is great#both in canon and insys#insys its like “we have adopted you as a partner to leARN TO LOVE YOURSELF. CHRIST WOMAN LEARN SELF CARE”#(Neuvi & Wrio to Arle)#and canon its like: “hm. well. she knows how to manipulate people”#theres a voiceline somewhere that made me laugh#“I believe I've told you before that my emotions easily resonate with those of others.#Yet in the few meetings I've had with that Harbinger I haven't been able to sense any aspect of her emotional state.“#this is Neuvi about Arle in the sq#also: “that harbinger” like. boi doesnt care about names#its very funny to me#Tales From Kīara'h#endo safe#pro endo#endo friendly
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i'm so lucky i don't live in iguana country bc i love picking up wild reptiles. i'd just constantly have scratches and bites and iguana rabies or whatever they carry
#i get teeny tiny geckos at my house and a highlight of my day is going out at night and catching as many as i can#haven't had any drop their tails on me yet but tbh it's probably only a matter of time#i never grab them by their tails or anything but all it takes is one overly scared one and that things flying off#i should get crickets for em or something. i know feeding wild animals is bad but they're so tinyyyy and i rarely see any bugs out there#it'd be fun to take in a little one and raise it. i've never owned a reptile before that might be cool#sassy speaks#anyways if i had iguanas in my area id be so annoying about it#i'd let them in my house just so i could chill with lizards. my neighbors would hate me#i would have one million diseases but it wouldn't matter bc Big Lizards In My House#i'd be like those ppl who have a dozen stray cats coming to their doors except with iguanas#'iguanas are mean tho they'd just attack you' no they wouldn't bc they would like me. hope this helps
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I can't believe the Younger Brother (1689) by Aphra Behn has the only one bed trope
#act iv scene i#olivia is in disguise as mirtilla's page endimion and she's wooing welborn on her own behalf#and welborn is like well im hosting a gentleman in my lodgings right now but u can sleep w me#and olivia is like uhmmm uhmmm i can't do that not for any particular reason i just can't sleep in ur bed#(bc she's modest but she is kinda tempted. but also worried if she denies too hard he might suspect her of being actually a woman)#and he's like what are you afraid my bed's diseased? do u think im gay? im telling u there's nowhere else for us both to sleep#im not gonna make u sleep on the floor kid#PLEASE#the younger brother might be one of my new favorites from behn. i haven't finished it yet but it kinda has everything i love from her#mirtilla in particular is such an interesting character#text post#aphra behn#restoration comedy#in the edition edited by janet todd for vol. 7 of the collected works#i believe it's based off of the original quarto text that was published after behn's death#i highly suspect a lot of this prose dialogue is supposed to be blank verse#SO. MUCH. of it flows exactly like blank verse. it kinda bothers me#i do dream about editing and publishing my own edition of behn's plays and i would definitely amend these to be verse#i wonder if montague summers' version is verse? idk this is the first janet todd edited play ive read#i dont yet know the differences between their editing styles#god i wish more than 2 ppl in history had ever bothered to edit and publish this woman's collected works#oxford world classics should definitely put out another volume of her plays#i love the one they have featuring the rover/feigned courtesans/lucky chance/emperor of the moon#but she's got what like 15 other extant plays? and oxford world classics has the range and capabilities to do it#or if penguin classics ever wants to pretend they're really as good as oxford they can print their own#as far as diversifying the canon and widening the availability of older texts. oxford still beats penguin any day#but it does piss me off that no classic book publishers take this period of early-modern women's drama and proto-novels very seriously#or rather. no big ones that i know other than oxford#im not counting print-on-demand companies that reprint the texts of public domain works w no editing#those serve a purpose but those are not leaders in the publishing industry for a reason. theyre not sposta be
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sitting waiting for someone to text you bc you wanted to make plans with them almost 4 hours ago but now you've just wasted 4 hours bc you couldn't do anything bc you were waiting for them to text should've been a circle of hell in dante's inferno
#i also was on the phone with my mom for a bit so maybe i wasn't fixated on the waiting itchiness for all 4 of those hours but i still#haven't done any of the work i need to do for tomorrow :/ and i don't want to start it bc i'll have to stop in the middle of it except i#really do need to start it regardless of when she texts me back but she hasn't texted me back yet and we're trying to meet up to get food#but we hadn't decided on where to go so idk how long it will take so my window for doing any of it is rapidly shrinking and i can feel it#closing in on me bc it's been dark outside for an hour and i'm still just fucking. sitting here.#also unrelated i figured out this morning that i've been taking tylenol instead of my antidepressants for the last several days! which helps#to explain why i'm suddenly experiencing such a sudden uptick in my depression symptoms but also doesn't help me get back any of the days#i've spent in stasis bc apparently my adhd meds aren't enough on their own (bc i'm depressed) to allow me to do anything easily including#but not limited to getting out of bed#i've also discovered recently that just expressing that i've had difficulty with something to someone at all helps dissolve the mental block#that's kept me from doing it which has been massively helpful for me but maybe annoying to my friend who i usually text about it <3#megan you're a real one and i love you#a post
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Not feeling great abt some of my creative endeavors rn
#ramblings#neg#specifically abt project: new moon#i can feel myself actively losing interest in continuing to write for it#like the main story is already out there and that's fine#but even tho i have ideas for oneshots and stuff to introduce more characters (like those redesigns for rouge and shadow i did a while ago)#it just. doesn't feel worth continuing. idk why#i guess it might be the lack of interest for my writing in general#or maybe project: new moon just. isn't that great#which is fine the point of the project was to do it for fun not to make something objectively good#but ig i'm just. not feeling it anymore? i don't feel satisfied with it like i did when i finished writing it#i still love my ocs and the redesigns i did of canon characters for it#and i'm glad i got the story i've had in my head since i was like 12 out there. even if it's very different from how i first envisioned it#but. i really just wanna put it to rest#i really don't feel like i can promise any more writing for it. not like anybody cared abt it anyway besides like 3-4 ppl + myself#idk man i wanna move on from it. i have other stuff i wanna write that i feel guilty for not doing#bc i'd said i'd write more for project: new moon and still haven't#i think i'd be happier if i let the fanfic go and just draw my ocs and my redesigns when i feel like it#without worrying abt the fic anymore#bc frankly ever since writing the epilogue my heart just didn't feel like it was in it#thinking abt it felt like a chore more than anything. so maybe it'd be for the best to just leave it as it is#that comic i said i'd write is still happening tho i still really wanna do it#but that's different from writing fanfic so#anyway. might turn the project: new moon blog into a general writing blog#if i finish the corrupted au fic i'm currently working on. idk yet we'll see#but yeah. i know i shouldn't trust how i feel past 9 pm but I've been feeling this for a while now so whatever#i think i should've seen this coming in retrospect. pretty much everything i do that isn't just art never gets much traction anyway#can't say i'm really giving up on it considering it's TECHNICALLY complete#but the way things are going feels almost exactly like the rp and ask blogs i've tried to run in the past#idk man. i gotta stop thinking abt this before the vague feelings of inadequacy spiral into something worse. goodnight
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well of COURSE my microcontrollor had to die on me Right when i wanted to test it with the rest of the project even though it was working perfectly the day before 🤡
here's a preview if anyone's interested
#uhhhh me#i am so out of my depth. programming the led lights already took all my brainpower#and now i gotta TROUBLESHOOT??#well i guess this is my own fault for accidentally buying a fake arduino#it was so incompatible with the software and apps i wanted to use and it took so much roundabout work to make it...work#like i had to track down a specific usb port app and then use a super old version of the arduino software#and even then it still wouldn't cooperate with some of the other programs#and now it's just like pooping out#and i can't even be sure if it's the board that's dying or the leds#bc there Was an incident where i plugged it in backwards by accident and something flashed red and i panicked and unplugged it#don't know if that was some kind of warning light#anyway. if there are any techy ppl here.#the power light is on when i plug the board in. but when i plug in the ground wire and 5v wire the light dims so much it's basically gone#if only ONE of those wires is plugged in then it's fine#but the moment the other touches the pin then it dims#and needless to say the leds don't turn on at all#i tried using a different outlet#i tried a different usb port#i haven't tried it on my computer yet#is this where i snap and just purchase an actual arduino for real
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