#haven't been here for that long lmao but still
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its been pointed out to me that you can track my art style by the way ive drawn jerry over the years and so ive made a collage, this is so sick and twisted
im so very normal about him
#guess who my favourite tftgs character is#haven't been here for that long lmao but still#gas station jerry#tftgs#art#tales from the gas station#tftgs fanart#jerry pascal#here's to hopefully more jerry this year yipeee :3#(also his short hair and mustard hair era was definitely.....a choice)
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The standard @drawfee experience ❤️
Saw that meme going around from Myszka on Twitter and knew that I had to render the gremlin crew. Original under the cut
#I haven't done any caricature work in a long time and I am unreasonably proud of how recognizable everyone looks here haha#reminder that this is still kinda a Drawfee blog too lmao#this was so fun to draw guys I think I enjoy making art again? been having a like 6 month streak this feels amazing#drawfee#drawfee show#drawfee fanart#jacob andrews#julia lepetit#nathan yaffe#karina farek#drawfee art#silly#meme#shitpost#dilfosaur#miss misnomer
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y'all have no clue how wild it is to live in my timeline, because 12 years ago i was a huge fan of these cute lil' zelda strips and at the time i found out through the grapevine that the creator apparently stopped making these comics because they had started drawing NSFW content-
and at the time i was like "oh ok that's wild but respect"
and now in the present the artist who's making the OMORI manga adaption is under fire for being a shota fetishist and it's putting the spotlight back on the OMORI creator themselves for ALSO being a shota fetishist and oh my god the omocat who made those zelda comics over a decade ago is the same omocat who went on to make OMORI holy shit-
#small fucking world jfc#and yeah maybe i'm the last person to cross the finish line here but listen#i hadn't thought about those zelda comics in AGES#not until i came across one of them in my FB memories#because i've been on FB so long now that some of my memories are like 15 years old#and as soon as i saw the artist credit i was like HOLD the fucking phone there's no WAY#anyways there's some wild shit happening in the omori fandom ig#i've only completed the whole game once and honestly i loved it but i haven't really participated in the greater fandom#and i can very much see what people are getting at lmao#especially with the manga jfc#why would you make a manga adaption of a game that's largely driven by a self-insert-style main character#never mind the fact that it completely removes the soundtrack which is like half of what made omori so memorable ffs#even without the shota shit a manga version of OMORI is still. just not something we needed lmao#bad dumb stupid idea
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Hi? Gosh how do I even start with this :'D
I know it's been ages since I've last popped up on here. I've been debating when to post this for a while, but I kept adding to my draft more and more and now it's the end of JULY omgg I felt so guilty disappearing with zero updates but then thought my birthday would be the best day to finally address this considering it'll feel less random? idk but Ive always celebrated my bday with you guys and I'd feel so bad answering your kind asks without me at least explaining why I was gone for months.
Truth be told, I was dealing with a lot of stuff irl. health issues and sudden declining grades that left me stumped and drained for months now- along with technical issues like having to replace some parts of my computer that took a while for me to find to even draw digitally, which I didn't have the time for anyway with how tired and weary I felt every day.
I'm frankly shaken up by a lot of shit rn and I don't know how to be active online with this burden on my chest- Especially as it's been a while since I've even looked at utmv related content and my motivation dwindled. I swear I'd hype myself up to post or reblog something- but I'd see just how much I've missed or the overwhelming amount of posts I'd need to go through and I'd feel so swamped with exhaustion and most importantly guilt, for not clearing the air up sooner to reassure you guys that I'm, y'know, alive, and not dead in a ditch somewhere. And I'd procrastinate cause typing it all out is hard and I'd give up halfway every time and it's just not fair to you all!
I thought I was handling it well when I started going out and socializing more, instead of staying cooped up at home on my computer all day. and in the first draft of this post I made months ago I was gonna detail some of the fun plans I had, for my life and for this blog :D but relaxing my strict study schedule and letting go a bit of my tight routine, thinking it was better than wringing myself dry to keep it up, backfired horribly, to say the least.
I know right?? so silly to be hung up on stupid shit like studies of all things! but this is a very important thing for me considering my career plans and the competitivity encouraged by everyone I'm surrounded by, the pressure of keeping up adding to my already stressful days. I had to fix myself up first and I couldn't handle the strain nor interact with people and thinking of jobs and exams sapped my energy so much it's frankly embarrassing. writing this feels so cheesy too and it frustrates me to know I could've come back a month earlier if it weren't for that, but I also know putting all of this into words then would just sound like incoherent venting (not that this is very different tbf) and I wasn't in the right headspace to address my absence, or anything really- I didn't want everyone to see me return when I couldn't muster up a genuinely positive message, let alone talk to anyone with a shadow of my usual cheer
I feel like a complete mess and It drives me up the wall how depressed I've gotten. I debated deleting this blog so many times 'cause the fear of disappointing my audience and my friends, for lack of a more fitting sentiment, made me feel even shittier. I'm constantly thinking if this wall of text is worth posting, or if it's better not to burden you all with all my sappy troubles as if it's the end of the world. Trust me, I'll be fine. I'm not trying to dramatize this situation, but I don't think I'm up to pretending I'm all sunshine and enthusiasm you're all accustomed to.
So sorry for worrying you all! I'll try to catch up, deliver some missed birthday gifts, and answer some asks while I'm at it! Again, I can't state how much I appreciate your support throughout the years. It's frankly a miracle I kept any of you around with how much I keep popping and leaving at random with no warning. I definitely can't promise for my stay to be without a hitch, and if you don't mind an inconsistent schedule you're free to stay of course, but I'm afraid I can't sustain the pace I had when I first started this blog. I'll keep posting art, but lower my activity in the fandom sphere to reduce the strain on my mental health. so fewer rants and walls of text, more art, and less stress overall. Love you all and thanks for waiting for this long <3
#I'm not leaving the fandom btw! Just realized it kinda sounds like I will but I won't!#Still got my fem versions and some animations to spice things up in case I feel less inclined to draw my resident skeles lol#To the people that reached out before this thank you SO much!!!#I know this is not gonna reach many people considering my leave but i deeply appreciate it<3#I wouldn't be surprised if people forgot why they even followed me in the first place with how long I've left this time Hhhh#There's some plans about commissions as well cause no matter how many times I fix this poor pc it keeps failing me lmao#And I wanna try my hand at it to feel less pressured and dependent on my academics :')#It's a scary thought and an even scarier process and idk if you guys will be interested? but that's for another post ig >:)c#muah muah ily all thanks for EVERYTHING cause I'd restart this blog all anew if I didn't have so many people that I'd miss around here >:'D#blah blah Yuri is back on her bs so get ready for some banger art!!#To any mutual reading this pleaaaase bear with me if I don't reblog your art immediately#cause I've been tagged on a few and I wanna give them five tags each at minimum and I don't know where to start HHH#If there's something specific you want me to see you're welcome to tag me In it but don't be discouraged I haven't gotten to it yet!#This is So long I'm genuinely sorry aughghg 😭
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«𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓰𝓻𝓮𝓮𝓷 𝓸𝓯 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓭𝓮𝓮𝓹 𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓮𝓼𝓽 𝓮𝓶𝓫𝓻𝓪𝓬𝓮𝓼 𝓶𝓮,
𝓣𝓸𝓭𝓪𝔂, 𝓸𝓷𝓬𝓮 𝓪𝓰𝓪𝓲𝓷, 𝓘 𝓼𝓲𝓰𝓱 𝓭𝓮𝓮𝓹𝓵𝔂 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓼𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓸𝓯 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝔀𝓲𝓷𝓭.»
Kanashikute Yarikirenai - Kokia
#‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚. my diary ‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.#♡⋆⭒˚。⋆𐂂 my pics ♡⋆⭒˚。⋆𐂂#mori girl#mori kei#long time no seeeee#due to mental health reasons i haven't been around social media as much as i used to#i also haven't worn a full mori outfit in a while which breaks my heart to admit...#BUT#today i decided to say “fuck that” and wore this outfit to school#it was soooo beyond encouraging to hear my classmates telling me they have missed “my old look” and that “i'm finally back”#i still love mori so much and it will never stop being a part of me#i hope to post more outfits whenever i decide they are good enough to post here lmao
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track 6 literally makes me sick to my stomach lmao
#this right here is why I don't trust taylor anymore#I've given up on actually defending her long ago. she's not changing#it's just gross#she doesn't give a shit like at all#growing up for me is letting go of thinking you can make a rich white woman understand she's wrong#I still like her music. that's why I'm here#live blogging this for fucks sake#but you guys know I haven't been online that often anymore#and it's certainly not just cause I'm busy with work#but because taylor is simply unfixable as a person lmao#but anyways#still love my mutuals and all#but taylor? I love her work and that's it#the posters ain't going down and I'm not detaching myself from loving her ever#but as a person? my god. gross.#ttpd spoilers
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wanted to share the sentiment here too but didn't feel like rewriting the whole thing lmao so here are some Thoughts i had last night on twt regarding my weird relationship with my art whilst being in fandom:
i know i've definitely talked about this kind of thing in the past but it's been a very recent development that i actually understand what's been going on with me and why i've picked up this habit of letting a fandom i'm in / a piece of media i'm really into fully dictate my creative drive. like, just because i'm very interested or invested in something, it doesn't mean i necessarily feel inspired by it or inspired by it for the duration that it holds my interest, and forcing myself to create relative art or fic or what have you for the vested interest(s) has both dampened my desire to be creative as well as my imagination. i know a lot of people can be super into something or a few random things at once and that can keep them going for ages without them running out of ideas, but in my case, things that hold my interest aren't always synonymous with my creativity and i'm just now learning that despite how obvious it seems!
i also imagine i'm not the only person who functions like this but i personally haven't seen it spoken about very often (if it even needs to idk), so i wanted to bring it up / talk about it a little bit :)
#art things#alex talks#if you've been following me for awhile or at least saw this coming before i did: does it not at all seem obvious lmao#i think the guilt i was feeling for so long over it being my 'obligation' as an artist in any fandom to only cater to fandom was also#exacerbated by some kind of impostor syndrome like... wait why is this so easy for other people also into x but not me?#makes sense now why i seem to lose steam so fast when i'm making work for one thing at a time only#i need to spice it up!! even if i come back to something eventually i can't force it!#thank u adhd my behated for another extension of my executive dysfunction but i guess#i will learn to work with it :) shedding the guilt has been the hardest part and ik i'll still struggle at times to be inspired or feel#like i need to be doing something specific to cater to other people rather than go with what drives me at the moment but#that's ok! that's life!#here's to me making a lot more art / general creative stuff 🫡 i hope the utter randomness of what i have in store#appeases at least one other person 🫶#sidenote 1d fics will still be eventually finished but 1d art.... we'll have to see bc of the ipad wipe :')#also haven't been in the mood for awhile tbh! been into another stuff and less generally hyperfixated (thank god)#anyway onto better days and more creation!!
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mordecai is the first funny bitch like spends 90% of his time literally just standing there going "i'm dapressed" to himself while everyone in the vicinity takes potshots and then he's clocking in for the night shift where for the next 9 hours people go "god mordecai would it kill you to act like you're having more fun at the [kills you] factory"
#The First Funny Bitch as a phrase from the ''cain was the first funny bitch'' post that i will use with some flexibility. yaknow.#i love going like oh boy a coworker triumvirate. their funny little guy (other duo going ''i want him dead'')#though it's unfair to the savoys lmfao if he's at best sometimes a desk toy to them: they do at least keep calling him babygirl#and giving him special mordecai invitations (by not inviting him) to their hotel room to try to marry him#so if nothing else we do appreciate adding a ton of flair to [afflicting the autistic coworker]#in turn i appreciate that mordecai and viktor's dynamic probably consisted of mutual ''i Do Not Care if my coworker seems weird''#but outside of that; was anyone at lackadaisy aggrieving mordecai with the style & variety that the savoys bring....perhaps not#an upgrade in that realm....and there seems to be Some mutual [i do not care if my coworker seems weird] there again too lol#even while they've all probably been working together like half a week & haven't all worn their getalong sweater long enough#and already mordecai is doing his [not just literally standing there] rogue lone mystery solving deal lmao. wild card that he is#lackadaisy#oh also speaking of [before mordecai went grr i Hate still working here; ripped off the fridge door; went & got a new Hated job]#it's pure bonus comic realm & particularly Elevated Silly Goofs genre at that; but#points for ivy having that Younger Sibling dynamic w/mordecai w/the implication she takes his forbidden condiments index seriously#and like; in general lol not even just a [it's serious when it comes to dealing with this weird guy] way. all the more powerful for that#wait i nearly forgot to mention the hot new otp: mordecai / j.j.#that's right [sad trombone] providing guy. i know enough. first funny bitch 4 first funny bitch.#[guy doing his own thing & everyone's like Get His Ass] 4 [guy doing his own thing & everyone's like Get His Ass]#and ofc because it is funny in & of itself. & basically like Your New OC. so much room to maneuver that you cannot crash#also hmm like if your nickname for someone is Maybe ''annoying mf'' does it cancel out....eh#numbers flying around intense focus like everything points to ''hatchet would directly translate to hatchette not petit hache''#and if you mon petit hache it (read this w/such a meter that it all rhymes)#900 tons of restraint not going ''wow this is just like analyzing billions'' & by even saying i've managed to avoid as much; now i haven't
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fiance got me a kindle for my birthday <3
#val comes out of hiding#with a case and a grip strap (that interferes a little with the case but i'm making it work lol)#it'll be great for my arthritic sad poor hands lmao#and i can download ebooks to it! including fic <3#so like i have backup copies of my bookmarks and i threw them all on there#and threw one I planned to read on there too which i rb'd a few mins ago#it's great because we tend to be into those huge fantasy novels that I 0% can hold and take up a shit ton of space#like bringing brando sando books with me while traveling has been a PAIN lmao#now all i need is a battery pack to make sure it doesn't die. which is its own downside of course#and it means I can pirate so many ebooks. my god so many.#anyway to start with i think i'm gonna go back thru and re-read all my bookmarked fics i haven't read in a while#i'm quite stingy about bookmarks so they're all good (tho i have a soft spot for fluff in hindsight lol)#maybe i'll make a detailed rec post when i'm done?#in regards to fic too though I need to reach out to someone and say sorry for not being a very responsible beta.you know who you are.sorry:#but tangentially related; last night I had one of those core memory moments#it was bed time and fiance was snoozing half-asleep and i was reading fic on the kindle which works great in the dark btw. so dim#and i got up maybe 3 times in 30 mins or so go to the bathroom; get shit i forgot in the other room; etc etc#he's a light sleeper so he tends to wake up a lil#at some point he swapped our body pillows. i have no idea which time i got up it was. i didn't even notice for so long#i use a regular pillow and he has a longer actual body pillow so it was very obvious in hindsight#he loves to mess with me like that. little things make me laugh etc. and in the moment i realised i was just so happy#i'm here in this comfy bed with the man i love reading great fic with the gift he just got me and he's half-asleep and still trying to make#me laugh. and i laugh and laugh and laugh for like 5 mins because i'm so unobservant i didn't even notice it's not my pillow#and not even in a mean way. he loves that about me because he loves me. and he is just so good. so good.#and i was reading a fic about finding someone in any world. i would find him in any world. i would#and i just said 'i love you' and he cuddled into me and went to sleep.#<33333333333333333
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i am like. at my limit with interacting w/ ppl bc *gestures vaguely* holidays. and now my old boss, who's also a long time family friend, is texting me out of the blue asking what i've been doing? if i'm working? etc and like. i Cannot talk to u rn (this was yesterday) and then i wake up (8AM) to 2 recent missed calls from her like. i cannot talk to you rn!!! i hate ppl who expect you to always be available / able to respond immediately.
#also it's such a long story but. basically she sold the company i used to work for (remotely) months ago#and the new owner was like yes yes i want to keep you here. then. she ghosted me. and i was too neurodivergent abt it to contact her again#and now my old boss is asking what i've been doing (very sporadic freelance)#and my whole family thinks i'm still working for this family friend bc if i told them i wasn't i'd be a whole awful thing for me#and i've been LOOKING for other things but like. it has to be remote for reasons and it's been hard#but anyways now i'm paranoid this family friend is gonna reach out to my MOM bc i haven't answered her yet (it's been less than 24 hrs)#and if my mom finds out any of this... HELL ON EARTH for me.#and i'm so fucking tired. like i'm 28 fucking yrs old and still treated like a child bc i live at home like ?? believe me i'd love to not#this isn't by choice#anyways. VENT. sorry. i'm just. very close to become a rage monster in a meltdown so. tumblr vent to Cope lmao#delete later
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lighting practice
#i have a long way to go obviously but since i haven't posted on here in a bit i thought why not share what little i've been up to#i think my new year's resolution will be to try and keep at practising digital art because i'm still extremely lost lmao#anyway! finally had the chance to do something with this photo since it's been sitting in my refs for so long#toshiya#dir en grey#my doodles
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painted this for a poster that i had to present at the end of this sem about this big self directed project :3
it's basically a visual of how me and my lab partner made samples for the analysis of tea, putting them in beakers on a hot plate lmao
#god it's been so long since i've been here. yeah i haven't been drawing much#this took like. a little over an hour last night tho lmao#it'd be way more polished if i spent more time on it but it was just for a silly little poster so i don't rlly care That much#i still love painting food though :'3c#this project was soooooo so fun. but also a huge headache. but also i could Totally do it better and more efficiently if i had to redo it#my art#tea#food#realistic#portfolio#lab experiment
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...
#srry for the continued pause in scribbles ive been feeling not very good at all#idk something just broke in my brain after our last sampling trip idk y bc it wasnt that bad but when i got back#it was just a couple days of my brain being real crazy in terms of thought patterns. it still kinda continues to b like that#but idk i haven't had a session of hysterical crying today so maybe im on the mend. its weird i haven't felt this bad in a really long time#i dont even have the energy to complain about it its just no joy. burned streight thru that. bruned streight thru my desire to draw#i mean i still draw every day but its like shitty i dont have time scribbes bc idk it all feels so fucking pointless. and im terrible at#hiding how i feel abt things so my boss is like: maybe u should take a break this weekend i dont want u to burnout. like. lady we crossed#that bridge way back in March. u r speaking to a ghost. i just. i dont kno if i can stay here until like next july at least if not longer#and it sucks bc i kno someday ill look back and this time in my life will make me real sad bc im laying here choosing to make myself#miserable and i somwhere halfway across the country my mum has tumors growing in her abdomen. and i cant go home for Thanksgiving and idk#how long ill get at Christmas. not bc anyone is telling me i have to stay. my brain just wont let me do things. i just lay here in my#increasingly chaotic apartment not taking the steps to get refunded for travel expenses worrying over deadlines and agonizing over social#interactions. worrying about all the things my brain wont let me do that need to be done and not taking the steps to get better#its stupid and annoying and i know its only going to get worse when i have to start taking measurements in the lab#ive at least been practicing a lot of german tho lmao. someday ill look back like: lol remember when u got super depressed and filled the#void with learning german? literally today my dyslexic read the word albeit as aber and it was v disorienting#idk its just fun and i feel like im at least being productive. so yea idk when ill b able to post scribbles again#but i thought id at least post something while i had the energy i accumulated by taking with a happy Canadian lab group#maybe ill join them in a year idk idk decisions decisions and so many applications the cost of which is trying to dissuade me from#getting a tatt0o :-P ay ay ay live a little! pls i beg u. but no prob not. against the rules#unrelated
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I am not the same anon but i hope you dont feel any ounce of guilt even if you answer this days later, take good care of yourself as much as possible. Onto the question. Do you have some ideas on what could be the main reasons for dysphoria to develop in a young person and why? Do you think things like same sex attraction could be a big factor to sparkle up dysphoria? Even though i struggle to understand how some people stay okay being same sex attracted and in their bodies and some want nothing to do with their body. And in the more tragic case, CSA could have some impact on developing it as well? Or maybe you have some other takes on it, i would be very curious to hear (well. read)
Thank you for your kind words and patience in my getting back to you, Anon.
To zero in on the same sex attraction aspect since that is what you specifically inquired about, yes, I do think that it could be a factor in some cases. However, as the saying goes, correlation does not necessarily equal causation and I think we need to be careful in not inadvertently insinuating that when having these discussions for a couple different reasons. From a gender-critical perspective, I can look back on my childhood and conclude that my dysphoria developed partially because I grew up in a homophobic environment and (unconsciously) further perpetrated that homophobia onto myself. It was not my same sex attraction that was wrong, but “society,” if you will.
However, I was not always able to do this, simply because I have not always been gender-critical. Many transgender people—and especially youth—come from a place of (often severe) internalized homophobia as same sex-attracted people. So, when someone states that same sex attraction may be a factor in dysphoria and transgender identity without explaining (or even mentioning) the why behind that, I view that as flippant—because someone with internalized homophobia can interpret that to mean, “I am dysphoric because I am bi- and/or homosexual.” Our sexualities become the reason for our turmoil—and through that, they, once again, become something for us to hate.
It also just gives way too much room for people who don’t actually have anyone’s best interests at heart to be homophobic. When we say that most dysphoric and trans people are homo- or bisexual and just leave it at that, what do we think a trans-critical homophobe is going to think? I can tell you they’re not going to reflect on their own biases. They’re going to take that to mean that same sex attraction is some sort of mental illness and that dysphoria is a symptom of it. It shifts the blame from homophobic societal structures to the person who is the victim of them. These are different sides of the same coin: When we fail to be mindful in analyzing and discussing the links between dysphoria and sexuality, both groups receive confirmation that same sex attraction is a problem.
I want to both clarify and emphasize, Anon, that I am not making a direct criticism of your own words but rather providing a general commentary on what I have personally seen and how I think it may affect people in ways we may not immediately realize. I feel that consideration of how these statements may come off is sometimes lacking, and as someone who was affected by that when I first started questioning my own transition, I felt it appropriate to mention here. I wish that more emphasis was put on social attitudes, rather than personal attraction, when discussing dysphoria and how it may be linked to sexuality—because that puts the focus on society as a whole rather than singling out one single aspect of a person that they are, very likely, already deeply struggling with. Same sex attraction is the correlation in dysphoric people; hatred of that attraction is the cause of that dysphoria. There is a difference between the two. It is essential we do not overlook it.
To address your other inquiry, I can also speak from personal experience in that my history of abuse did play a significant role in my dysphoria in retrospect. At the age I started identifying as transgender, I was not yet emotionally mature enough to understand that I was being abused. I just knew that people who were supposed to love and protect me instead harmed and took advantage of me, and I did not like that. My upbringing caused me to become passively suicidal from a very young age, which I then understood as wanting to “start over”—and it just so happened that transness eventually gave me that chance. I guess you could say that dysphoria was an expression of that pain and transition was an attempt at escaping it. Myself, as a child, was an abuse victim, a pawn, a pet—but myself, as a trans adult, was who I was outside of that. I fought so viciously to protect my transness because to criticize it felt—and still feels—like killing who I could have been.
Of course, I can only speak for myself, and frankly, that is the only person I want to speak for when it comes to abuse—but this is not just a personal thing. Virtually every single person in the trans community that I was in was also an abuse victim and abuse victims consistently remain(ed) a shocking majority in the communities outside of my own. I do not believe that that is just a coincidence.
I think that the need for control is a significant factor that unites both of these scenarios. I did eventually learn what homophobia was and came to terms with the fact that I had been abused. What I didn’t want to accept was that these things contributed to my pain—because I could not change them. I could not rid the world of homophobia. I could not keep my abusers from being abusive. But if I was the cause of my pain and the solution to that pain was right there, that meant that I could fix it. If everything was ���just” dysphoria, that meant that I could heal myself without waiting around for those who hurt me to change. To consider the influence of anything that existed outside of my own mind was to lose hope because it shown a light on everything that I had no power to change as an individual among billions. When so many of us are already disadvantaged in some way from the get-go and we have absolutely no say in any of it, it only makes sense that we would turn that pain inwards and develop dysphoria—and when transition feels like (and is marketed as) the obvious solution, of course we will go through with it. It is our way to have a say. It is no wonder so many of us view transition as empowering when you look at it like that.
So, to finally address your leading question, “Do you have some ideas on what could be the main reasons for dysphoria to develop in a young person and why?” I believe that a variety of factors could be at play and for different reasons for different people. This is not just my own personal opinion; it has been shown that dysphoria and transgender identity tend to be especially concentrated in specific demographics and it would be ignorant of me to discount that. However, beyond citing what is demonstrably obvious and sharing my own experiences in an effort to offer perspective, I do not feel I am in a position to theorize what may or may not have caused someone else’s dysphoria. I strongly believe that dysphoric people need to come to that understanding themselves.
I also do not personally believe that there is a “main reason” on as to why dysphoria may develop in a young person in all cases. I suppose my own “main reason” would be that I fell into the trans community because I never thought seriously about transitioning prior to that time—but the thing is, even if I hadn’t, I would still be dealing with everything else that influenced my getting to this point. I cannot completely divorce all of the things that feed into my dysphoria because they also feed into each other. If I were to take the trans community out of that equation, it would just be the influence of the trans community missing. It is impossible to say whether or not I would have still gone down this same path without that. I honestly think it is just as likely that what remains would simply replace what no longer applies. Dysphoria is like a web. Webs are sticky things.
And as to why some people develop dysphoria while others do not, who knows? Throughout my medical transition as a teenager, every second or third person I talked to either had a full-blown eating disorder, or was on their way to developing one. I was under constant unconscious influence to go down that same path. I struggle with all of the known psychological risk factors in eating disorder development and was also raised in ways that are known to encourage them to develop overtime. Meanwhile, dysphoria was essentially unknown to everyone outside of my bubble. Why, then, did I develop dysphoria when it would have made more sense for me to develop an eating disorder? I don’t know. I don’t think there is a way to know.
At the end of the day, I truly do think whether or not one goes on to develop dysphoria is just a matter of luck (or rather, lack thereof). That is the unfortunate nature of mental illness. Sometimes you get it, sometimes you don’t, and there’s really no “reason” on as to why you have it while someone else with similar experiences might not. But even if there were a reason for it, even if I could pinpoint exactly what caused my dysphoria, I can honestly say that no comfort would come from my knowing—because knowing would not change the fact that I have it. I cannot go back, only forward, and in doing so, I have made peace with that ambiguity.
I sincerely hope this answer makes up for how long I made you wait for it.
#the reason i haven't been active the past few days is because i was spending all my time on here fucking slaving over this thing lmao#i honestly still hate this answer but nothing is ever perfect to me and you've waited long enough for it#so i just hope you can see the effort that i put into it#i have a lot of thoughts on this topic but chose to focus on abuse and same sex attraction since that is what you specifically asked#i could definitely give my opinion on other potential factors if you have anything in mind but you'll need to give me some sort of prompt#because my mind goes a mile a minute when i'm asked anything open-ended and when that happens it is impossible for me to be brief lmao#submission#answered#gender critical#writing#text#my post
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tfw you wanna try to play ttrpgs again, but ever since playing a few years ago during a certain two campaigns, you were bullied by people who you thought were your friends because you didn't know how to play and they made up reasons why they should dislike you irl. especially while you tried to be nice to them and give them space and tried to make steps towards interacting with them in rp too.
like no, it wasn't like "oh, it's just character interaction, these characters just don't like each other!" no it was "no joke, I absolutely hate your guts, Miss Iodine, fuck you and I'll be an arse to you in-game and irl. i will ignore everything you and your character say, i will attack your character because why not and say it's just what my character would do, and then start harassing my DMs"
love it when i tried for months to reach out for a proper sit down only to be given a sorry-not-sorry half-assed push the blame onto the victim apology
like yes this lives rent free in my head. you won, if that's what you wanted.
#autumn says stuff#vent#im still so fuckin salty even though its been so long#i just don't understand how people can treat others so terribly and not even think twice about it#never a moment of ‟maybe I did wrong?‟#nah. just tell Miss Iodine ‟You're a problem‟#yes that exact statement was said to me#maybe ‟bully‟ is a cliche word but i dunno what else to call it#like mate i've been nearly stabbed before during what i can only assume was an attempted hate crime. technically i did get hurt ig because#grabbed the knife by the blade as it was being thrusted towards me. i still have the said knife btw. wanna get free knife? just grab it#from your attacker. and then they'll run off because they're a little shit. actually don't do that. don't recommend that. okay so the point#is that yk ive been hurt physically many times but goddamn this situation still hurts emotionally#it was funny when said someone in this group told me i was 'appropriating neurodivergent culture.' mate. mate. wot. im how?#take it from me. im not neurotypical lmao. i thought that was obvious but no. no idea where this even stemmed from tbh because it really#came out of nowhere. also being called a fascist for years by these people for liking worldbuilding and star trek was cool. didn't realize#that fuckin reading old soviet books and playing papers please and minecraft makes me a fascist somehow. but you learned it here.#im still so fucking pissed about that accusation. love that their additional reasoning that im somehow a fascist was that#‟you're getting mad and keep insisting you're not a fascist‟ is proof that you're a fascist. what else am i supposed to do? you haven't#even given an ounce of some so-called mountain of evidence.#its cool that no one cared about what these people did to me. better to retain a friendship with them and never bring up what they did.#better to just alienate miss iodine from the friend group. better to never bring it up. better to forget any of this happened. better to#forget that miss iodine exists.#sometimes i wish i could know what its like to not give a flying fuck about other people. I wonder what it's like to be such a shitty perso#fucking hell.#thought i found home when i first met that group. instead it just reminds me of the home i grew up in.#My biological family (save two cool cousins) is probably a collection of some of the worst people in existence.
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y’know, maybe writing on tumblr just doesn’t do anything for me anymore. maybe that’s it. i dunno.
#i don't know what my plan is here tbh.#or on any of my blogs#i've just been doing other things lately#i've been on tumblr for so long i haven't really thought of like. /not/ doing it.#but most of the people i wrote with the most are gone for whatever reason so#is it worth putting the effort to still be an active blog? idk#i probably shouldn't get this emotional about it but here we are lmao#oh well#【⛧OUT OF CHARACTER⛧】
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