#has literally never done anything wrong in his LIFE and no I don't take constructive criticism

[rj0186]

Time for my favorite boy!

This one took me forever and I'm not quite sure I like the finished product, maybe I'll make another one for him in the future.

_____________________________________

Damien

[thegoldencontracts]

He Is...

Summary: In another universe, your boyfriend is a bit... Odd, to say the least? Why do you stay with him? U-uh, because canon said so (ortho is just platonic ofc)!

Notes: Pure crack based off of popular fanon things that I honestly don't find accurate. No hate, just a bit of joking. Minor spoilers. Also, if you're touchy about popular fanon headcanons you have, you might want to avoid this post. I have no hateful intentions, but I understand it may be take that way. As always, I am open to constructive critiquing and discourse.

Riddle is going to collar you if you so much as breathe wrong. He does absolutely nothing nice for you. But then when you want to leave him, he breaks down crying...? Weird.

Trey is disturbingly obsessed with teeth, but he's completely perfect other than that. Literally perfect. No, really.

Deuce is incredibly dumb and well-intentioned. He's never done anything wrong in his life! Biker gang? What biker gang? You're just hallucinating.

Ace is an absolute asshole. He's never apologized for anything in his life. Just- a complete douche, somehow.

Cater is incapable of speaking on anything other than pure slang. You tell him you're going to break up with him, and he just says "yikes". Who does that?

Leona is literally the worst person you have ever met. Depression? What depression? He's just lazy! But yeah, he's the scum of the Earth. Trust. At least he respects women?

Ruggie is communist. You don't know where it came from, but he is. But he's also a scammer. Yeah, good luck.

Jack is a tsundere... You thought there was something else? No, that's it. He's a tsundere. He's cute, though.

Azul is a little baby boy. He's just that same little octopus he was. Scams, contracts, business? What are you talking about? He's just your little baby boy who'll break down crying if you don't tell him you love him every five seconds!

Floyd is a serial killer. What do you mean he's only seventeen? He's a serial killer! He kills people. That's right, he kills them. He's a merciless, remorseless killer.

Jade is completely sick and twisted. He'd kill you for a single corn chip, and he's never felt any emotion other than schadenfreude in his life. He's not seventeen, he's, uh- he's been lying to you! He's actually a demon who thrives off of souls (and being one hell of a butler).

Kalim is nice. He's also an idiot. That's right, this man has literally never had a critical thought in his life! Can you believe it? He's never had any hardships, either. Poisoning attempts? What poisoning attempts? There's nothing to see here!

Jamil is an asshole. There's no justification for it. His life was so amazing, it's not like he was basically a slave or anything. Why couldn't he just talk to Kalim before going through with his plans? It's literally that easy!

Vil is a mean girl. That's right. He's selfish, manipulative, and lazy! What do you mean 'he wants people to work and be the most beautiful they can be'? He's just a mean girl, guys. Nothing more to it. And I can't believe he ruined Rook! It isn't like Rook chose to move into Pomefiore or anything!

Rook is creepy, and a stalker, and an irredeemable piece of shit. You see, he used to be a shining beacon of perfection in Savannaclaw, but then the EVIL Vil had to RUIN him! The horror! He was so happy there, too! Everyone knows that dull, lifeless eyes are the number-one sign of happiness!

Epel is a perfect, dainty little boy who can do no wrong. He's just- a shining beacon of dainty and perfect ideals. So fragile. So perfect. So helpless. He has absolutely no autonomy. Trust me on that. Just a perfect little angel boy.

Idia is an unhygenic, depressed softie. He's never showered in his life! It's not like STYX had a lot of focus on systematic hygiene that Idia's used to or anything! And he's never looked down on others in his life! You can trust me on that!

Ortho is a kind, soft little robo-boy who can do no wrong. That time he tried to fire a laser beam on the school? Ignore that, he's just a little baby!

Malleus is sooo in love with you. No, he's not acting oddly due to being unused to friendship, he's in love, damnit! He's in love! He's making this an otome!

Lilia is a dad. And he thinks you should get together with Malleus. Really, he's just there to set you up with the dragon man!

Silver is the perfect, most noble and well-liked gentleman. Awkward? Unused to people wanting to hang out with him? Nope, none of that. Just perfection here!

Sebek is the scum of the Earth. Why, you may ask? Simple! He's loud and arrogant. I don't know why he hates humans so much, really, it's not like he's dealing with internalized species-ism or anything...

[cookinguptales]

Y'know, I post a lot on tumblr about what a shit Guillermo is, and I stand by that. He is a marvelous little shit. But honestly I only talk about it so much because people on tumblr and AO3 send me so many messages about how he's never done anything wrong in his life. When I'm presented with the opposite, that Guillermo is uniquely awful and selfish and he victimizes the poor uwu vampires (thinkpieces that you saw a lot more often during s3) I am fully like "I STAND BY EVERY DECISION THAT FOOLISH MAN HAS EVER MADE."

Being real with you, I feel like talking about Guillermo like he's totally blameless and put-upon or like he's totally selfish and wholly evil flattens a really complex and interesting character. He's selfish and self-involved and cruel and sweet and insecure and giving. He's all those things, and I love that about him.

I love Guillermo as a character because he has these carefully constructed categories in his head, these rules and boundaries that he sticks to like glue. He contains multitudes, and it's because he carefully follows the rules he has in his own head, even when they don't make a lot of sense to others.

I think the best way to think about Guillermo's actions is to think about him having two very different sets of rules for in-groups and out-groups. He will bend over backward for people in his in-group, will be the kindest, most patient, sweetest man in the world -- but he can be downright vicious to people in the out-group.

This is a pretty common occurrence IRL, though not always to the degree that Guillermo does it... I mean, you're going to treat your best friend's birthday differently than you're gonna treat a stranger's, right? When you start seeing it happen the way Guillermo does it, though, it's often to create and preserve power. You see it in politics, high school cliques, religion, etc.

For example, let's take new religious movements (or NRMs, i.e. "cults".) They are famous for this behavior. When you create distinct in-groups and out-groups and can behave very differently towards both, you give your followers a strong incentive to stay in the in-group. It makes them feel like they're the "good" ones, the superior ones, the ones with power. The ones that belong. And when they see out-groups being mistreated, well. No one wants to be in the group with no power who's mistreated, y'know? It simultaneously gives people in the in-group a sense of community, belonging, and social superiority and makes them afraid to leave.

But really, you see it all the time. If you have a "good" group that you can never harm and a "bad" group that you can do anything to, that really helps prop up power structures in a lot of ways. Look, I'm not going to get into this too much more because you don't want a freaking academic lecture on your dash, but suffice it to say that I think Guillermo is largely using his in-groups and out-groups in this way, mentally speaking.

He has in-groups (his friends, his family, his boyfriend, the vampires he lives with) and out-groups (literally everyone else, including other vampires) and he badly mistreats the out-groups because he does not want to be one of them. I've noticed he's particularly awful to human prey that reminds him of himself (nerdy, socially awkward, powerless, virginal) and I think that's because he wants to distance himself from them. He wants to make sure no one mistakes him as being part of that group, so he very strongly pushes them into his out-group by not only killing them, but making fun of them and often making sure they suffer before they die.

And then he's even more slavishly devoted to his in-groups, partially because he does truly love them, but partially because he desperately wants to stay in those groups. Or because he's trying to protect his own hide.

I don't mean to say that every kind thing he does is calculated -- I do think he very genuinely wants to make the people he loves happy -- but there's a sort of desperation to it sometimes. When he does these kind things, sometimes it's this desperate bid to be valued and accepted by others in his in-group, which makes him feel like he's earned his place there.

I've noticed that Guillermo has a tendency to do things for people to stay in their good graces (buying his mom a fridge, doing chores for Nandor, giving Derek money) when what they actually want is his time and attention. There often is a vibe that he's trying to earn his way into a group he doesn't quite feel entitled to when actually he's already very much a part of the group and he just needs to maintain those relationships. It's insecurity, frankly, and a nervous sort of self-preservation.

In fact... I'd say that Guillermo's greatest emotional struggles often come when trying to reconcile (and protect) different members of his in-group because he's trying to reconcile (and protect!!!) the different parts of himself.

Like... when he protected Jeremy, he was protecting a friend, but also the idea that some weak, virginal nerds are not prey. He had to protect this member of his in-group, partially because he loved him, but partially because he had to protect himself by extension. If Jeremy could be an exception to the predator-prey dynamics, so could he. Some humans could be valuable.

When he protected his fellow familiars during the familiar fights, he was protecting fellow humans whom he thought had "earned" a better life (and death) than prey humans, but he was also protecting the idea that a familiar could be loved and valued. He was protecting himself and the hope that Nandor would love him.

When he protected his family, he was protecting his beloved family members, but also the idea that vampires and slayers could coexist. Of course he doesn't want his family to die, but he's also doesn't want his hopes that he can have it all to die with them.

Let's all be real with each other here. Guillermo kills humans, and he does so without compunction. He is able to utterly dehumanize prey humans because he has a vested interest in emotionally distancing himself from them. But he gets kind of freaked out when the humans that he has mentally removed from that prey group (his friends, his family, people "like him") are not placed into that same exempt group by others. And this is definitely because he wants to protect those he loves!

But it's also because it means that he isn't special, either.

Let's talk about Freddie, who I think is probably the most complicated example of all this in the entire show. (Save perhaps Derek, who could probably get an entire post to himself because he went from out-group to in-group without Guillermo's consent.) When Freddie first arrived at the house, Nandor mistook him for prey. This understandably freaked Guillermo out, partially because he wanted to protect his boyfriend and partially because it was violating Guillermo's group dynamics.

(Insert meta here about Freddie representing Guillermo's ability to have a happy life outside of the weird, insular one he'd created for himself prior to s4.)

Freddie ended up being kind of special, though, because Guillermo considered him to be part of his in-group and Nandor considered him an out-group until he realized that Guillermo valued him. And then Nandor wanted him to not just be part of his in-group, but a portion of it separate from (but simultaneously representing) Guillermo. It's complicated!!

So we had Freddie 1 who was Guillermo's and Freddie 2 who was Nandor's, but... in the end, Freddie really belonged to no one but himself, right? In the end, he very literally chose himself. He left the -group dynamic altogether.

So Freddie is moving in and out of these groups like a fuckin' oiled-up eel that Guillermo cannot keep a hold of, and that really challenges his control issues as well as his ability to feel like he belongs in the in-groups he's created. It challenges his ability to feel worthy and loved and like he belongs anywhere. It challenges his ability to have faith that he'll ever become a vampire. Suddenly he does not control these groups anymore. If anything, they're controlling him.

While a lot of Guillermo's angst at the end of s4 was about, y'know, normal heartbreak... I think a lot of that was happening, too. He was really seeing the abrupt overturning of the carefully established rules and groups and boundaries and power differentials in his head, and that made him just want to be free of the whole thing.

So he took a step out of all of his preconceptions about what he did and did not have to do to belong in these groups, and took hold of his own destiny.

...unfortunately.

Guillermo's decisions in s4, both regarding his family and his turning, really did permanently shake up a lot of the group dynamics in the show. For better? For worse? (FOR GOOD...? lmao) It's hard to say, honestly. But I'm eager to see how he irons it all out in his head!

Our able-to-self-justify-literally-anything bitch. 💜

[mediaevalmusereads]

A Love by Design. By Elizabeth Everett. Berkeley Romance, 2023.

Rating: 2/5 stars

Genre: historical romance

Series: The Secret Scientists of London #3

Summary: Widowed and determined, Margaret Gault has returned to Athena's Retreat and the welcoming arms of her fellow secret scientists with an ambitious plan in mind: to establish England's first woman-owned engineering firm. But from the moment she sets foot in London her plans are threatened by greedy investors and--at literally every turn--the irritatingly attractive Earl Grantham, a man she can never forgive.

George Willis, the Earl Grantham, is thrilled that the woman he has loved since childhood has returned to London. Not as thrilling, however, is her decision to undertake an engineering commission from his political archnemesis. When Margaret's future and Grantham's parliamentary reforms come into conflict, Grantham must use every ounce of charm he possesses--along with his stunning good looks and flawless physique, of course--to win Margaret over to his cause.

Facing obstacles seemingly too large to dismantle, will Grantham and Margaret remain forever disconnected or can they find a way to bridge their differences, rekindle the passion of their youth, and construct a love built to last?

***Full review below***

Content Warnings: explicit sexual content

Overview: I saw this book on a list of best historical romances of 2023, so I decided to give it a go. After all, the premise was intriguing: a heroine in STEM, a childhood attachment, etc. Unfortunately, there was a lot about this book that just didn't click for me. Not only did the plot have both too much going on and too little stakes, but I found the heroine too wishy-washy and the hero just plain dull. Not even the feminist message could get me excited about this book, so for those reasons, I can only award it 2 stars.

Writing: Everett's prose is serviceable, but it doesn't quite have the quick pace one might expect of a romance novel. Evaluating it is tough for me because I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with it - it just doesn't seem to work for this genre. Everett spends a lot of time interrupting the flow of a scene to give the reader background or context information - especially in the first 100 pages. As a result, scenes feel rather devoid of action and suspense, which means it was difficult to determine how each one fit together to create a narrative.

I also think Everett is too heavy handed with her feminist messaging. I love a good feminist romance novel, and I especially love a good feminist historical romance; but Everett is blunt with her points, giving us pages of conversation in which feminist concepts spring fully formed from characters' mouths. I think a lot of this messaging would have had a greater effect if they weren't stated boldly but worked into the action of the plot.

Plot: The non-romance plot of this book follows Maggie Gault, a widow and engineer who seeks to establish her own engineering firm in London. To do so, she takes on a project to build an underwater tunnel - a great engineering feat that hasn't been done well in the past. There are just two things that can mess up her plans: 1.) The project is funded by Victor Armitage, the money behind anti-feminist and anti-reform magazines, and 2.) George Willis, Earl Grantham, has re-entered Maggie's life.

There were parts of this plot that I liked and appreciated. I liked that Maggie was posed with the problem of accepting a job that would surely boost her career yet was funded by a man whose morals were so opposed to her own. I also liked the depiction of women in STEM as well as the tension between pursuing one's passions and the societal consequences of doing so.

However, I also think Everett struggled to craft a coherent narrative. On a macro-level, it felt like Everett was trying to incorporate too many plot threads: there was Maggie's project, Grantham's Reform Bill, Grantham's newspaper, both of them struggling against Armitage. The list goes on. While a number of these plots could have worked well together, I ultimately felt my attention was being pulled in too many directions, and as a result, any statement Everett might have been trying to make about the patriarchy or the challenges of being a woman in STEM are quite lost.

Moreover, the stakes of any given conflict were fairly low. If the newspaper didn't sell, that's OK because Grantham has money; if Maggie lost her job, she still had a place at her all-women scientific retreat (even though Everett tries to make us believe Maggie will lose all her friends). All of this means I had a hard time getting invested in Maggie's career or Grantham's political projects, and it was doubly difficult because they didn't seem to compliment one another very well.

Characters: Maggie, our heroine, is sympathetic in that she's a smart woman waging an uphill battle against the patriarchy. I really liked her determination and dedication to her work, and I also enjoyed watching her work through the moral dilemma of accepting funding from someone who holds opposing morals to her own. However, she also seemed to make a lot of irrational decisions and was back-and-forth about her feelings regarding Grantham, so as a reader, I got frustrated pretty fast.

Grantham, our hero, is interesting on paper, but the more I read about him, the less compelling I found him to be. Grantham is an earl who grew up poor, so he's sympathetic to the working class of England. He's also a fierce defender of women's rights, making him a #feminist when the whole country seems to be pushing for traditional gender roles. While the politics are appreciated, they do make Grantham a little dull. He doesn't really have any personal growth because he doesn't need to change much, and even though he hurt Maggie in the past, his faults seem easily forgivable. He also feels emotionally arrested; his antics and jokes are somewhat juvenile, and though I'm not saying he needs to be violent or mean, I do think he needs to act like a 30+ year old man.

Romance: To be honest, I found it a bit difficult to get invested in Maggie and Grantham's relationship. Part of it might be because their first few interactions were fairly anti-climactic; we're told that they haven't seen each other in a long time and that Grantham hurt Maggie badly, but when they finally meet, there isn't a lot of angst or heart-wrenching emotion. Everything felt rather calm and inconsequential. I'm not saying there should be melodramatic swooning or anything like that, but I do think the characters should have had a bigger emotional reaction.

Moreover, the characters didn't grow as a couple so much as they went back and forth on their feelings, and the barriers to their union were fairly inconsequential. Though the book tries to make us believe that they are kept apart by Maggie's ambition and Grantham's politics, it felt like those two things were so malleable that I was not convinced the conflict was insurmountable.

It was also difficult for me to feel invested because a lot of time was spent exploring things other than the relationship. Don't get me wrong - Romance can and does incorporate non-romanric storylines into the plot. But where other books connect such plots to the relationship, this novel feels as if it's keeping them separate. Grantham is not a threat to Maggie's career in any practical sense, so it feels like we're following two separate narratives that detract rather than compliment each other.

TL;DR: A Love By Design promises a battle of ambitions while shining a spotlight on women in STEM, but personally, I found this book to be dull and frustrating. With an emotionally arrested hero, a wishy-washy heroine, and a plot with very low stakes, A Love By Design struggles to keep readers invested and relies overmuch on creating a non-problematic romance.

[shini--chan]

Okay, I've been wracking my brain to think of an ask for you because I know your writing is fire, and I don't want to waste it! If the mood strikes you, can you write a little yandere Levi in a universe of your choosing or constructing? I'm sort of interested to see how you imagine him as a yandere 😊

Thx, fam!

As I told you once before, this is the ask that almost made me forfeit my principal of answering asks chronologically. :P

So, this will be my usual mix of headcanons and Imagines if you don’t mind, since I have a lot of thoughts on this man and just don’t want to stumble into the snare of writing a full length story … yet.

I’ ll also keep this general, since the universe any Levi fic is set in just changes the nuances, and not fundamental character traits.

Also, I have to remark that it is already too late for me - I’m hip deep in academia.  

Yandere Levi Ackerman  

Captain Levi is a very orderly person, it is part of his lifestyle and how he interacts with others and himself. It is something he is really strict about and he wouldn’t tolerate anything less than perfect hygiene in a lover. To him, there is nothing less disgusting than poor body hygiene and should you start slacking off in anyway when it comes to taking care of yourself, a very fundamental aspect, then he won’t shy away from taking matters in his own hands.

You gasped as a bucket of water was frigidly emptied over head and you threw yourself out as your bed, expecting your assailant to have lunged onto you, should you have remained there.

Instead, he was standing right in front of you.

Somewhat shyly, you looked up into Levi’s pale face and sneered at the accursed object that he was holding in his hand. He sneered right back at you, the corners of his lips curled slightly upwards in disgust. A rather uncommon display of extreme emotion on his part, for being a commonly stoic man.

“Get up!”, he curtly barked to which you stiffly groaned. Sloppily, you got up, still groggy from being rudely awoken and not in the best mood because of it. The water running in rivulets down your body and made your sleep wear cling to your skin didn’t help either.

“What was that for?”, you whined, completely oblivious as to why he was being so imperious to you. What had you done to warrant such poor treatment?

“Don’t get cheeky now, little brat. You didn’t shower last night and went all sweaty to bed. You deserved what I did to you now.”

Him being orderly isn’t restricted to personal cleanliness, it is also about how disciplined a person is with themselves. Having had to live in harsh environments for his whole life, he is a firm believer in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. That also means that should you suffer from any mental disorder, trauma induction or not, he wouldn’t be very understanding. Not that he wouldn’t be concerned about your broken state of mind, rather he wouldn’t see how being kind and coddling you would fix it.

“You know brat, if you would stop sulking and feeling sorry for yourself, your life would start getting damn better”, he snarled at your cowered form.

Hunched over the table, you had elected to grab a beer to numb the pain that was ravaging your heart. Watching people die never became easy, especially when they were close to you.

“Just leave me alone”, you begged and raised the tankard to your mouth again. Yet before the wooden rim could touch your lips, it was shamelessly ripped away from you. Levi’s sharp grey eyes were honed on you, the fire of anger dancing in them. Just why did he have to play judge now of all times?

“No, you look like shit and you’re talking shit. Moping around wouldn’t make anything better you idiot. You need to your act together, not get piss drunk.” 

Furthermore, he needs to be in control. As soon as he feels like his vice-like grasp over reality is slipping, he does what all people do that are losing their power – he scrambles to re-attain it. And he doesn’t hesitate to utilize violence. On top of that he sees respect given, as power given, so he demands the piety that his position ought to give him.  It doesn’t matter that you’re his lover, if anything you ought to give him his due. Rows with him are literally the worst – be prepared to be swept of your feet! 

Roughly, you were slammed against the wall in a manner that knocked the wind out of your lungs with a crude sound. It was followed by a gasp as your ears rang from your skull having banged against the stone and your muscles and bones ached.

“What did you just say?”, Levi snarled, a rare look of utter rage on his handsome face. You knew it was a rhetorical question, he had heard you the first time around. But you were too steep in your own anger to not push your luck.

“Don’t be like that, darling”, you spat the last word as if it were poison in your mouth. Warranted actually, since you had been coerced and tricked into this relationship. “I said that maybe you should take a leave out of your superior’s book because all your shortcomings make you unbearable to be a runt. Somehow, I doubt that would work, though – you’ll always remain a sewer rat at heart.”

A wrong move – those handsome features contorted to something utterly ghastly.

“You know we wouldn’t have such problems if you could control that attitude of yours. And if you would show me respect”, he hissed as he pressed you further against the wall, so that you were sandwiched between stone and muscles to a painful degree. The hands grasping you by the front of your clothing didn’t help either.

Lips twisting into a snarl of your own, you countered: “Respect is supposed to be earned, Captain. I will only respect you if you respect me.” You were really insistent on digging yourself your own grave, weren’t you?

“You’re much prettier if you keep that mouth of yours shut.

“Consider the feeling to be mutual, brat. Why should I give you any respect if you won’t give me any? And remember, I’m above you, so I don’t owe you anything. You owe me the world.”

Levi also has a strict set of rules that he expects you to follow to the dot. A fair warning, however, he may change the one or the other spontaneously and not inform you of it until you’re bent over his desk. Also, it is common knowledge that he endorses corporal punishment and celebrates pain as a prim method to install discipline. He really thinks that bad behaviour can be beat out of somebody. He is also exceptionally cruel with his punishments. This can be traced back to how he was desensitized to violence at a relatively early age and revels in have people submit to him.

You had barely set foot in his study when he looked up from his paperwork and ordered you: “Come over here, and bend over the desk.”

Shocked by his harsh words, you nevertheless complied. You knew that resistance would only make matters worse. Still, as you bend over and pressed your cheek against the cool oak you asked: “What did I do wrong this time?”

Briefly, he stopped rummaging through the chest that stood by the window and glanced over his shoulder.

“Are you serious? Don’t you already know? And I though you weren’t so goddamn stupid”, he snapped.

Finally, having found what he was searching for, he turned towards you again. There was a semi-bored expression gracing his visage as he drawled: “I told you a thousand times before, pet. When you are finished with your afternoon chores you are to come directly to me. No chit-chat with somebody else, no fooling about and yet you disobey me again and again. Your ears really are just for decoration.”

You opened your mouth to protest but he carelessly cut you off: “I don’t care if they are your friends, you don’t need them. You just need me.”

Upon that you fell silent and closed your eyes in hopelessness as you waited for your punishment to commence. When do pain came after a minute of silence you dared to open your eyes and glance back.

Seeing that you were focused on him, Levi cleared his throat as if to say “Aren’t you forgetting something?” Then you remember and with a great amount of shame you bared your bottom and meekly requested: “Please Levi, my love, spank me thoroughly.”

As usual, it sickened you that he made you ask to be punished. It was his way of normalizing and justifying his abuse. And conditioning you.

A dark chuckle rumbled in his throat as he grabbed you by the nap as he pressed you against his desk. “There is a good little pet”, he whispered as leather made contact with your supple flesh. 

This man has a difficult time warming up to people. All the agony of losing those that meant the world to him repeatedly has caused him to become cold and reserved. That means that in his mind, you should view it as a privilege that you are the love of his life. Because of that, he won’t accept rejection. Also, since he hasn’t had somebody really close to him in ages, he will be very clingy and overprotective. The world has the habit of robbing him, so you won’t allow you to be stolen as well. Not to forget that he is a man of action – being passive or also relying on words to solve situations just isn’t his style. 

Your skin was on fire due to his ministrations, or rather because of the disgust they evoked. The arm around your waist that pressed you against him made you want to claw at his skin and his lips against the tender skin of your neck made you want to throttle him.

Yet you knew that it was just wishful thinking. Engaging in such protest would be futile since he was stronger and quicker than you.

“Look here Levi, I told you…”, you tried to reason with him but he just silenced your objection:

“Shush, sweetheart. Don’t ruin the moment.”

Then he resumed kissing your neck and collar bone, sometimes tugging at your skin with teeth in order to cause bruises. You tensed as his free hand snaked down your leg and hooked itself under your knee.

The captain is a military man and fairly intelligent. He knows how to deal with an enemy, how to assess their strengths and weaknesses and how to keep them contained. And also, how to best combat them and capture them. He really is the worst opponent you could meet on the battlefield.

So how to evade him? You take him off the battlefield, place him in a situation where aggression can’t help him achieve his goals. He is a military man, as said before, so he is accustomed to low context communication – words must be direct, and you must mean what you say so that they are no muck-ups. Little conversation and more orders and demands. Levi doesn’t have a silver tongue to begin with, quite the contrary actually.

That means he cares a bit for codes, since they are of use to him in his branch of expertise. But he cares little for symbolism since he has categorised that as sappy nonsense reserved for romantics. So, you have an avenue to express yourself that he won’t catch up on unless somebody explicitly told him what it meant. Consider yourself lucky, it is exactly this that will prevent you from going insane.

“Flowers? Again?”, he gruffly asked.

It made you look up from the novel you were reading to see him eyeing the tansy and peonies that you had placed in a vase on the nightstand.

You had to suppress a smirk and work to keep the self-satisfaction out of your voice as you meekly inquired: “They are there to give a bit more colour to the room. I can always put them away if you want.”

You were being obedient to him for a change and that was why he decided to allow you a few luxuries. Besides, since you were so affectionate in the past two months, why shouldn't he return it with gestures of his own.

“Keep them. I’ll just never understand why you like them so much”, he answered and then stalked over to the bathroom. Of course he would never comprehend it, with his spartan and austere tastes, just like you would never understand that the small yellow flowers meant ‘I declare war on you!’ or that the orange lilies that had been there a few days ago actually proclaimed your hatred for him.

Hopefully, he would never find out.

Intelligence doesn’t automatically mean that he is omnipotent or that he is an all-powerful overlord. It just means that he is quick to comprehend tactics and strategies and devise his own. He isn’t immune to mistakes. So, when he ropes you in, in his games, you have to play a wholly different game of your own if you want to get out. Military, remember? There are many walks of life that he is unfamiliar with, many possibilities for you to escape his clutches that he wouldn’t even account for.

Giddily, you smiled at yourself in the mirror. You barely recognized yourself, with all the paint and heavy cloth that decorated your body. Levi didn’t either, just how it was supposed to be.

You had spotted him in the audience as you had pranced about the stage, looking very disgruntled at not having you by his side or locked up in his quarters. Even you had heard the rumours of how a few days ago he had flown into a frenzy, searching high and low for something.

You were one of the few that knew it was someone and that someone was you. Knowing him as well as you did, you made the fair guess that he also wasn’t here by his own volition, rather his comrades had dragged him here in an attempt to distract him.

And you also knew that had looked everywhere he presumed you to be – in the forest, somewhere tucked away in his estate, in the taverns and at the city borders and at the docks. Just not amongst the theatre troop.

That would probably stay that way, and you could use the opportunity to escape him.  

Adding to the fact that he is bad at expressing himself like a normal human being, he is also very emotional underneath that stoic veneer. In combat situations, he has an outlet for all his pent-up emotions. Else you have to suffer his outbursts and mood swings. Nonetheless, the world isn’t a gigantic battlefield and if the right buttons are pushed, he could lose it at exactly the wrong time and place. Levi would lose badly at the game favoured in the royal courts of provoking-the-other-until-they-embarrass-themselves.

Levi was very close to unleashing his unholy rage and as a precaution, you had taken to stepping out of range. While you found the whole situation very amusing, you didn’t want to get caught in the crossfire.

“…however, since you come short on some things, I don’t expect you to understand that. Should I repeat what I said, in bitesize chunks  so that you don’t lag behind this time”, the nobleman prattled while he looked down on your “lover”.

Said man pressed through gritted teeth: “You filthy swine, go stuff all your pretty words up your ass.”

The noble emitted a fake gasp and murmured aghast: “You really are so crass. The rumours of you being a dwarf barbarian are true.”

That was the last straw for Levi. In the following minutes, a small crowd gathered to see what the commotion was all about and it ended in the guards having to restrain him. Really, it was hypocritical of the Ackerman to threaten you about causing a scene when he was the one prone to temper tantrums.

[words-writ-in-starlight]

Untamed TAZ Balance AU? Don't have to write anything, just consider that (is Wen Ning Lucretia in this or is he too nice for that)

NHS IS LUCRETIA, NHS IS ABSOLUTELY LUCRETIA, I HAVE THOUGHTS, my girlfriend yelled at me for these thoughts.  Hell this got long, I’ve literally been saving it in my drafts until Tumblr fixed the Read More issue.

WWX is Taako, JC is Magnus, WQ is Merle, JYL is in the umbrella (became a lich to keep her brother from doing it), WN is the Red Robe (became a lich because he thought it seemed reasonable), NHS is Lucretia, XXC is Davenport, LWJ and LXC are mutually Kravitz (LXC sets his bro up with the death criminal wizard), Wen Zhuliu is John Vore, LSZ is Angus but also a baby Reaper

ONE

So Wei Wuxian isn’t really a wizard, is the thing.  Like, he does the wizard magic, and apparently he has strong Wizard Vibes because wherever he travels, people ask him if he can solve their magical bullshit problems, but he’s, like, barely a wizard.  He’s an inventor, technically, except that a few years back some stuff went explosively awry while he worked with this traveling show and–yeah.  So he’s working as a wizard because, hey, he can cast Magic Missile and he needs to eat and he’s an Evocation specialist, anyway, so it’s not like he’s out here making food from rocks.  He’s hired on with a couple other random jackasses, a fighter who took a dislike to Wei Wuxian right off the bat and a cleric with a bad temper and an itchy Sacred Flame finger, and they’re doing a job for some dwarf, or whatever.  The dwarf has a guy hired on as muscle, but he doesn’t look like much, all wide eyes and baby face.  He calls himself Qionglin, no last name, and stares at Wen Qing like he’s never seen a cleric before, and Jiang Cheng spends the entire trip to Phandolin messing with his whip, which is the stupidest weapon Wei Wuxian has ever seen.

Well, then everything immediately goes horribly wrong, though, and turns out that Jiang Cheng is pretty okay with that whip.  Qionglin (Wei Wuxian spoke to the man all of one time, but he was sweet, if a little awkward) gets himself kidnapped by a bunch of goblins, and their employer is gods-know-where with whatever a Black Spider is, and suddenly this very boring escort mission is a very not boring rescue mission.

There’s a skeleton in the cave.  Wei Wuxian takes an umbrella from it, and it crumbles into dust beneath its red robe.  There’s a very annoyed man with a sword who calls himself Song Lan and speaks in static, and he’s somehow not the weirdest part of this whole day.

Phandolin doesn’t survive its brush with the Zidian Gauntlet, and neither does Qionglin.  Wen Qing screams when he dies, and Wei Wuxian grabs her under the arms with Jiang Cheng and books it for the empty well in Song Lan’s wake, and they just hide.  

And then they go to the goddamn moon, apparently.

TWO

The goddamn moon is run by an older man with hair still a glossy black, toying with a beautifully painted white fan in his hand.  He calls himself the Director and–after some testing–hires them more or less on the spot.  Something flickers over his face when Wen Qing, bemused by her own upset, makes an offhand mention of a man named Qionglin who died when the Gauntlet brought down so much lightning that it turned Phandolin into black glass.  But it’s not Wei Wuxian’s problem, so he doesn’t worry himself over it too much.  He takes the payment offered to him by the Director’s aide, a blindfolded, stunningly handsome man in Bureau blue and white who rests his hand on his own chest and says “Xiao Xingchen” and not another word.

The Bureau is–weird.  They’ve got a giant jellyfish and a store run by–something Wei Wuxian Does Not Trust and a dorm.  Wei Wuxian laughs and kicks Jiang Cheng cheerfully in the ankle and says “Just like college, huh?” and Jiang Cheng gives him a dark look and snaps “I never went to college.”

“Yeah,” Wei Wuxian says, blinking.  “Me neither.”

Whatever.  They go on a train adventure and there’s a kid, a kid who blinks and stares at Wei Wuxian like he’s seen a goddamn ghost and immediately walks up to introduce himself as Lan Sizhui, boy detective.

Wei Wuxian fucking loves this kid.  He’s not sure why this wide-eyed fifteen-year-old latched onto him so hard, but he’s smart, funny, loyal, and extremely easy to pick on.  13/10 child rating, in Wei Wuxian’s book.

(Sizhui, for his part, more or less kicks down the door to his father’s offices in the Astral Plane the second the Reclaimers are gone and shouts “I HAVE A LEAD ON WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WORLD.”)

(His father, Lan Wangji, the Grim Reaper, is very interested to hear all about it–especially when his son casually name-drops three of the biggest bounties that the Raven King, his adoptive elder brother, has ever sent him after, with the exception of that absolutely insufferably sweet-tempered lich Wen Ning.)

THREE

So…the Crystal Kingdom.

Is it Wei Wuxian’s finest hour, shouting obscure tentacle-related threats at the second crystal construct they’ve seen in the past twenty minutes?  No, probably not.  But it’s been a stressful day, they’re already down one Regulator and Song Lan is fuck-knows-where with Mianmian and, again, this is the second menacing crystal construct they’ve seen in twenty minutes.  Or maybe it’s the same one? 

Whatever, doesn’t matter.  They’re here to hunt down Meng Yao, a scientist who’s been dicking around with some seriously ill-advised necromancy and also the Philosopher’s Stone, and a crystal construct or two isn’t going to stop them.

Wei Wuxian actually physically cannot help himself, though, when the Reapers appear in the mirror, a matched set of beautiful men, and he grins broadly at the one glaring at him most viciously.  They get let go on a technicality, along with a conduit still containing Meng Shi’s memory of a vision beyond the cosmos, and Meng Yao leaves with his life and not much more.

Later, Lan Wangji is absolutely betrayed by the realization that his brother willfully set him up to be the primary go-between for the completely breathtaking deeply irritating wizard-by-way-of-death-criminal.  And that’s before the whole lich revelation.  (He does get a kiss, though, after he watches his brother pulled under by the Hunger.  That’s nice.  He hopes Wei Wuxian will mitigate the death crimes now that they’re dating.)

FOUR

The seven Relics are as follows:

The Zidian Gauntlet, which can generate a lightning blast so powerful that it can obliterate an entire city.  (Jiang Cheng–he watched the others try to lay in protections, try to make their Relics harmless, and he knew it wouldn’t work.  All the Gauntlet does is damage.  It can melt a city down to black glass, but it can’t be twisted, it can’t be made into any more of a nightmare than it already is.  He’s a fighter.  He knows all about damage, knew all about what he was making.  That doesn’t mean it didn’t kill him by inches to watch it leave a path of destruction–so much that his beloved jiejie tried to seal it away.)

The Oculus, which can make any construct real.  (Xiao Xingchen–Nie Huaisang didn’t take everything.  He doesn’t remember the mission, or his own past.  Something strange got confused in the process, and he lost most of his speech.  But he remembers how to fight, handles his sword as cleanly and effectively as ever, and he remembers that he doesn’t think much of Nie Huaisang’s combat skills.  Or maybe it’s just really obvious that Nie Huaisang isn’t much of a fighter.  Regardless, Xiao Xingchen insisted on accompanying him, before–before.  Then they went into the Felicity Wilds, and…Xue Yang is honestly delighted.  He’s never managed to ruin someone so badly on the way into Wonderland before.  It’s just a shame that Nie Huaisang sent Xiao Xingchen away before they reached the doors.)

The Healer’s Sash, which can manipulate natural forces like the wind, the tides, and tectonic plates just as easily as it can manipulate a heartbeat or a pair of lungs.  (Wen Qing–she prays to Pelor, the Dawnfather, the healer and Lord of Light, but she’s long since lost her faith in him as anything but a contracted boss.  It’s a shock to everyone including her when she’s granted a right arm made of glass and magic after losing it.  She was so determined to make a Relic that could be used for good, but–well.  She supposes she should have known better.)

The Philosopher’s Stone, which can more or less transform anything into anything.  (Jiang Yanli–she’s a Transmutation wizard, she’s been feeding the crew of the Starblaster for a hundred years on whatever she can pull together.  If the right person found the Stone, it would have ended world hunger.  The wrong person found the stone.  Jiang Yanli tried her damnedest to hunt it down, but she found the Gauntlet first, and, well–she already became a lich to stop one younger brother from doing it.  It’s not a struggle to decide that she’s going to take responsibility for saving Jiang Cheng from his own guilt.  Then things go horribly wrong, and she spends the next twelve years in an umbrella.)

The Temporal Chalice, which offers complete control over time.  (Wen Ning–he was a strict scholar until his sister was contacted about the IPRE’s creation, but he always did want to travel, and his theories about bonds were too good for Xiao Xingchen to pass up having on his crew.  Everything he’s done since they lost their home system has been about trying not to leave his family, about trying for second chances, he became a lich for them, he’s done everything to stay with them, of course his Relic is a second chance generator.)

The Animus Flute, which offers control over the spirits of the dead and, in the hands of a sufficiently competent expert, the living.  (Wei Wuxian–he’s watched his brother, his sister, his friends, die so many times.  He’s terrified of immortality, but he’s most terrified of being alone.  He meant to make something that could keep the dead present, so that they would never have to fear being left behind again.  Watching it rip Jiang Cheng’s soul clean out of his body in Xue Yang’s hands is the worst thing Wei Wuxian can remember, even after everything is over.)

The Bulwark, which Nie Huaisang never did explain to anyone, but took the shape of a hand-painted fan.  (Nie Huaisang lost the only person who mattered to him when the Hunger ate their home, and then as he slowly, painstakingly, rebuilt something like a family, he had to watch them suffer and die for a hundred years.  And then he watched them win, and grieve like dying all over again for the winning.  He’s sorry they suffered for his actions.  He’s not sorry for what he did.)

FIVE

Wen Zhuliu didn’t mean to make his whole plane give up.  But he had spent his whole life being used, and it all just seemed so pointless.  It all just seemed so pointless.  There was always someone stronger, always something bigger, always a rule he couldn’t break, always something, and he started talking, started telling people as much, and--

Wen Qing is about the farthest thing in the fucking world from a peacemaker by nature, if you ask her, but she’s a healer first, last, and most of all.  And, she thinks as she watches the sun sink with a very tired man crumbling away at her side, she might be the only person in the worlds who ever noticed that Wen Zhuliu needed a healer.

(They aren’t from the same plane, but--some of the others have found distant family, on their new home.  It’s an unanswerable question, if they might have been family, a few dimensions removed.  Wen Ning still thinks about it.)

[savingoursanity]

Hi. I was wondering, is it possible to not have a coping mechanism? 🤔 I had to go to therapy because I felt too stressed and anxious all the time (unfortunetly I had to quit it) and the psychiatrist told me to find coping mechanisms for myself. I also told her that I don't seem to be really good at un-stressing myself, although she seemed like I will find it for sure.... Well I didn't. It's been about 6 months and no matter what I do I never let go of that stress, nor do I relax. I mean I can't relax when I have that tiny "episode" of being stressed, bc ofc it's not like I actually never relax.

Do you maybe know why I can't find any healthy coping mechanism? Only distraction works for me, like watching movies, social media, but the psychiatrist told me it's not so healthy to depend on distraction. I really tried, I was meditating, going on long walks, exercising, writing a journal-at some point even poetry, cleaning, changing my diet, drawing, sleeping, riding my bike, cooking, to be honest I don't think there are things I didn't try to do. And it's annoying because even if I do cardio for an hour I still think about that one thing which stressed me out or I get distracted while writing/drawing and circle back to being anxious. Even if sometimes I actually get a little bit relieved, it never really works for a long time.

I hope you don't get too worked up with these asks because it seems like you get them pretty often haha. You have a really kind heart. ❤️

Once again thank you so much for trusting me with this ask! I have loved getting these so much they have been a bright point in my life during these bleak times.

Although I will be completely honest this ask has been sitting in my drafts for months (I'm so sorry). I'm not going to try and find any excuse for myself so lets just right into things.

I've been toying around with how best to answer this ask because there are so many ways I could go about it. I could go on and on about coping mechanisms as a concept as well as other related concepts because I'm such a nerd about this stuff. However I know for a fact that would wind up becoming a very long and dense post (worse than what this one currently is *cough cough*) and I want to avoid overwhelming you with more technical information.

So I'm going to try and answer this as clearly and directly as possible. There were certain parts of what you've said that stuck out to me that I'd like to explore a bit more.

To begin with, I think we have a collective misunderstanding of what it means to relax and let go of stress. People will experience stress and anxiety in many ways and because of that there's equally as many if not more ways of coping and dealing with it.

Stress can express itself in three main ways: through thoughts, emotions and physical sensations (i.e. fatigue, tension, pain, intestinal discomfort, etc.). The way you experience stress and anxiety may very well involve all three to a certain degree. This is why it's important to learn to know yourself to be able to understand how you specifically experience anxiety at baseline or how you react to stressful situations. It's by getting to know yourself better that you'll be able to next be able to explore just how to find coping strategies that are more appropriate for you. Which brings me to my next point.

You've mentioned that distraction is what you have found to work. Distractions can take many forms, and I get the feeling that's why you may have hit a roadblock. You see, the types of things you've tried can still act as distractions depending on how you do them or use them.

Now we give a lot of flack to distraction because often it's another term for avoidance or repression. But sometimes we really do need to take a step back and remove ourselves long enough to come back and deal with the issue with a clearer more collected mind. For more physical and sensory aspects of anxiety, the activities you've mentioned can help to reduce the stress activation in the brain to a level that is more tolerable. Our mistake is that we use these distractions and stop there, which is why they appear to not work very well or for very long.

This is where I have a bit of a bone to pick with the whole self-care™ mentality we have nowadays. Yes it's important to take care of ourselves and our bodies, but it only goes so far for dealing with the emotional and thought aspects of stress and anxiety.

You've said it yourself, no matter what you do those anxious thoughts and feelings are there to greet you once again the second you stop the activity or even while you're doing it. If I can reassure you in any way, it's not exactly surprising that these things haven't been working for you and it's not because you haven't tried hard enough for that matter.

Honestly it makes sense that you haven't found those things helpful, because that's not where your problem actually is. I myself have long struggled with excessive anxiety and all those types of activities can be great in terms of trying to find a little oasis of relief, but unless they actually help you better face reality afterwards then it somewhat defeats the purpose.

If you want my actual honest opinion about why you haven't found a 'healthy coping mechanism', it's because you haven't been directly addressing what's been bothering you enough. That and you may be hoping to find 'THE' fix that will work, but when it comes to chronic anxiety there is no quick and easy fix. These are tough pills to swallow I know, but unfortunately there isn't exactly any way to go around it. You can't fix a broken arm with a band-aid after all.

That being said, I'm fully aware that addressing anxiety problems is much easier said than done. Helping yourself deal with an issue you are the cause of and are still creating is a very weird battle to be fighting make no mistake about it. But that doesn't mean it's impossible.

It starts with little things that you can try to put in place and every baby step counts. Be willing to be kind with yourself, to respect your pace no matter how infuriatingly slow it may be. The process of growth is not something that you can fast track, believe me I've tried.

Now knowing where to begin working on your anxious thoughts is different for each person, but I want to offer some suggestions that might hopefully help give you a bit of direction.

For me personally one thing that has really helped in my journey of dealing with anxiety has been learning to accept that I have anxiety. That may sound obvious and straightforward but it weirdly enough it often isn't. You see a lot of us deal with what I call anxiety² aka "stressed about being stressed". We're all guilty of it to some level either because of family or social expectations or because of the way we perceive and interpret these expectations.

However feeling or being made to feel bad or ashamed for being anxious has helped literally no one ever. You just wind up spiraling even faster than you already were. Going from anxiety² to plain ol anxiety is, in my humble opinion, a first step that needs to take place before anything else can really happen.

It starts by trying to just be able to accept your anxiety for what it is, not as something wrong, bad, shameful, etc. but as something that is plainly and simply a part of you. You may be surprised at how much better you feel by being able to do that.

My other suggestion is to try to find ways to externalize those thoughts and feelings. Because in a way anxiety actually is "all in your head", it's not by staying in your head that you're going to find a way out. This is where some of the activities you mentioned in your ask can be used, but perhaps in a more constructive way. It's all about mindset and intention so not so much the 'what' but the 'how' and 'why'. Instead of trying to "achieve zen" or something equally ridiculous, channel your anxiety into what you're doing. Creative outlets are great for that, so writing, drawing, music, etc., as a way to get what's bothering you out of your system. The same can be done with exercise and any other activity too if you use a little bit of imagination. Find whatever works for you that allows you to get out of your head.

One last thing I will suggest is try not to do it all on your own. All the activities you mentioned can work well and maybe even quite well, however, we can't overlook the impact of talking out our issues. See, because of how anxiety as a psychological construct works in our brains, for most of us trying to work at it on our own will have limited effectiveness. That's not to say that all the things mentioned before aren't worth doing because they definitely are and talking about anxiety is scary and hard after all. If for now you can only handle the things you can do yourself then that's totally okay. I'm also very aware that not everyone has the greatest support system and that talking it out with those around us might actually cause more problems in the end.

That being said, if you can, try to find people you can talk to about what you are thinking and feeling. You don't have to open up about everything or try to find solutions for your problems either for that matter. Again, talking it out is mainly and mostly having another another way to externalize what you are experiencing.

Once again thank you so much for this ask and I wish you the best of luck in finding ways to manage the beast that is anxiety. As always my dm's and asks are open to anyone who has any questions about mental health or anything else they feel like talking about. Take care and I love you all <3

[mama-ghostie-61542]

A Thousand Lifetimes

Rated M++ for language and themes

If you recognize it, IT AIN'T MINE.

Sorry for the OOC-ness

Chapter 4

Wolf--

"If I hear the word 'Mom' anytime in the next five minutes, you are, all three, gonna lose grandparent privilege's! Enough with the fighting. 'Kala, you need to get over there and do your homework."

"But, Mom," my younger son shouted. "I can't do it alone."

"Yes, you can, dear. All you have to do is write the words in the blanks."

Mornings here were always crazy. This year, they got worse, with all three kids home all day and me working three jobs from home, while taking a few classes to keep up my certification. But what would do my head in were the constant conflicts of scheduling the boys services around project deadlines. Especially when my childless brother was my boss...One of them.

A text came through ~'Hey, Bry, do you have those reports ready? I have to submit them to the bank this afternoon.'

Loveland Demolition was well known in the Midwest, and had been doing well before the pandemic, but now, we were expanding again. I dug around in my ever expanding pile of outgoing paperwork for the fax copy of the expense reports my brother wanted. Why everything with this end of the family business went through me, I would never know. Maybe it was because he had named me our VP of NE Operations. Like I didn't have a decent job already. I mean, I didn't get my Doctorate for it to look pretty on my wall.

Speaking of, I have a class in 15 minutes. Botany of Common Herbs.

I sent off a quick message, ~ I faxed them yesterday. Did you not get them before the boys did?~

My brothers pit bulls were notorious for grabbing the pages as they fell out of the fax machine and shredding them.

A few minutes later, he replied, ~Dammit, Pita! The Pain got 'em. Already in transit?~

~Yep. UPS grabbed it yesterday. Email?~

~Ok. No. Need hard copy. Will reschedule with the bank. Do good in class today!~

About that time I got a plastic cup thrown in my general direction with my oldest son yelling, "More water! Please, Mommy."

Thankfully, my Botany Professor understands me being a little late, as she has a Downie of her own.

I get his water, and as I am standing at the sink for a few seconds extra to breathe, I feel a cold spot on one hip and the pressure of a thumb on my cheek.

'You are amazing, my Queen. You've got this.'

I smile as the feeling, and the ghost of his smiling eyes fades. How does he always know when the stress is getting to me and just what to say; just what to do. It's like I don't have to say a word, he just knows.

Great....Now I am gonna be all giggly the rest of the day. Probably gonna get an email from my Professor, too; nosy old bat.

Kihyun PoV

It was almost 22:00 when I felt the wobble in thin silver thread that connected us. As I reached for it, I felt her stress and frustration start to bleed through and somehow, instinctively knew what to do. It bothers me when she gets this stressed, because she forgets to take care of herself. And then the tension lodges in her back, manifesting as a knot just to the left of her spine.

Settling myself into my meditation, I could almost see her standing at the sink, working on something. Always working, this girl; whether it's on her actual job, her side hustle, an Etsy store where she sells knit caps, or the boys' homework. She ALWAYS has something going on. Her brothers hare-brained decision to expand the family business does not help in the slightest.

As I settle in, I can hear the din of the kids yelling, a timer going off on something, and from some where, another louder ding. She is amazing, how she can just take it all in stride. Some how, I know, she just needs a second to breathe, so I imagine my hand on her hip; stopping her right where she stands.

I visualize my hand cupping her cheek, and whispering to her, 'You are amazing, my Queen. You've got this.' I can't help the smile that spreads across my face as I see her smile. That soft, sweet smile, that just borders on the verge of blushing. I send how I feel seeing her smile down that thread and, some how, just know that she will be smiling all day now.

Awakening from my meditation, I glance at the clock. Hmm. Time for bed. But first, I am curious about the next chapter. How in the hell, with everything else she has on her plate, did she find the time to write this.

I set back on my bed, my pillows piled up behind me, and start reading.

Still Joey

I couldn't sleep so I got up at sunrise and made coffee. Sis woke up a little while later. I heard her alarm go off and then, I heard her sniffle a little. As she stumbled to the kitchen for her morning coffee, her whole bearing was like all the wind had been sucked out of her.

My heart went out to her.

"Sis. What's wrong?"

"Nothing, Joey. Just my own brain. Think I am going crazy. That's all."

I'm right there with you.

"Explain," I said.

Rather than use actual words, she put on 'Comatose' by Too Close To Touch. "This says it better than I ever could."

I set aside the story and brought up the song. As I sat there listening, I could almost feel how hurt she was. How she thought she was going crazy. I wanted, so much, to fly to her, where ever she was.

"Sissie," I sighed, "What is the matter?"

"I think I am losing my mind, Joey. I just don't want to remember, if remembering is always going to hurt. I'm afraid that it will cost me the one of the two things I am most afraid to lose; my kids or my mind."

"You aren't going crazy, Sis. Who told you that you were crazy for feeling like that?"

"Mom. According to her, I am. Apparently, it is all just a construct of my own mind. Can't be real because it's all in my head, but it is all that I could ever dream of. It makes me want to sleep until it is real. I want to forget the way his voice sounds, cause it hurts too much to hear it when I am alone. I want to forget the color of his eyes, but I see it everyday in my coffee. I want to forget it all, so it doesn't hurt anymore. There is no way he can be real. No way his smell can be real. The more I remembered, I guess, the more I want to forget."

"Bryn, tell me about him?"

"What does it matter? He is no more than a fantasy my own mind created," she said as she dug in a cabinet and added a more than generous amount of Jack Daniels to her coffee.

"Bry! Really??"

"What," she groused as she sipped on her coffee flavored whiskey.

"It is barely sun rise and you are already drinking. What would he say if he caught you?"

"Doesn't matter," she grumbled as her bottom lip pulled in a little and blinked rapidly, a sure sign she was fighting back her own tears. I could see her start to fold in around herself.

'No, my dear, I am very real. And very disappointed.'

"Bullshit," I yelled. "It does matter! I will prove you wrong. I'll prove to you that he is very real," I growled in my own temper, as I leaned over the table at her, "and I know him. He would be so disappointed in you, right now. Instead of working with the connection, you were trying to drown the memories in whis-," I came to a dead stop as I realized what was actually happening. "How long have you been fighting them? The memories, I mean."

'Told ya. Wait. What!? She'd been wrestling with our memories? Oh, my stubborn Wolf, you were never meant to carry them all yourself.'

She deflated and slid the mug away from her. Resting her head on her arms, she whispered, "I was 14 the first time I remembered anything. At the time it was no more than a whisper, a cold spot when I was upset or hurting. Which, lets be honest, was a lot of the time back then. When I was 16, I finally worked up the courage to talk to someone about my dreams. My mistake was telling Ma."

I cringed. I had heard nasty stories about her mom, but sat still and let her continue.

Is her mother really that bad? How much of this had she been keeping from me.

"She went off and let loose a litany of my supposed short-comings. I still remember it, to this day. 'You are so stupid. Why would any man, especially one like THAT, want anyone like you. Anyone else would be better than YOU; you stupid, worthless, ignorant, ugly, child.' After that, I went back to keeping it all to myself. This one," she said as she brought up Forest Blakk's 'Find Me', "Says it all."

I put on the song and knew how it had hurt her for years. My anger burned when the artist spoke of being told you were crazy. 'I want her, you Crazy Bitch. Good Mother, Please,' I started, before thinking better of the prayer that had been on my tongue a moment ago. 'Please watch over her, Grandmother.'

Hearing her own mother call her those things, was tough to listen to. But I could tell she still wasn't finished yet. I let her go, she had years of this pain to offload.

"As I got older, it changed. I was almost 26 when the burn of a kiss landed on my cheek. My ex-husband, at the time, saw the blister it left and went ballistic. Woke me up by kicking the end of the bed. 'I want a divorce. I don't know who he is, but I plan on making you pay for it. Now, get your stuff and get out.' And I paid for it, alright. Didn't even bother to ask if I had it the night before, just assumed I was sneaking out. I never did. Looking back now, maybe I should have left the first time accused me. The ink wasn't dry on the divorce papers when he got remarried. Literally, got them both done in half an hour."

"Are you kidding me? He wanted to accuse you, but he...," I will admit that I was finally starting to see just how messed up her life had been. "Did you love him?"

'Messed up,' I thought, 'No, Sir. Her life has been a craptastic shitshow of epic fucking proportions. Honestly, I would like to know what fucking moronic bastard ordered this shitastical fuckfest for my Queen! I'd like to fucking throat punch him.'

She shook her head. "No. My mother sat it all up. Literally walked into the house Friday afternoon and said, 'You are getting married on Monday at 9.' He was getting deployed and she thought he would be a good fit for me, that she would get grands out of the deal. She didn't find out he was fixed until he was already gone. That is where I learned to keep my hair really short. He used to drag me around by it and scream about all of the things I did. The next day he would scream and drag me around by it to yell about all the stuff I didn't get done."

"So it was more or less arranged?"

"Yeah. After that, I met the asshole. The day he left, I had just buried a brother, and I had lost my job; all on my birthday. After all that, I fell into a deep depression. To the point where I would wonder sometimes why I was still breathing. It was in that place that I saw him. It was no more than his eyes, the exact shade of my coffee, and that voice, but still; if not for him..." she trailed off, a haunted look in her eyes.

After a few minutes of her staring off into space, I prodded, "If not for him?"

She turned and looked at me, "I wouldn't be here. I would have cut ties with this world and willingly walked right into that darkness. I can remember him telling me once, 'Don't you give up. Don't you dare give up. Get up, keep moving.' It was those eyes though, watching them seem to burn in the darkness. They stayed with me so much that I drew them at least a thousand times."

"Really?"

"Yep. Dark eyes that burn," she chuckled. "Got called crazy for that one, too. 'Why do you always draw the exact same thing, ya crazy bitch? How about a tree or a nice mountain. Why is it always those damned eyes, Not that a worthless bitch like you can draw anyway.' So yeah, there's that."

"Hold it. She actually called you worthless?"

Bryn just nodded. "Multiple times, and ugly quite a few times. At the end with the ex, she told me, 'I hate that when I, and she stressed the 'I', put a block in your path, you seem to dance around it and go off into the woods and still end up on the other side. That you whip off of the beaten path, going God knows where, on some barely visible game trail, and somehow still come out on the other side, just where you meant to be'. She said nothing pissed her off more than my ability to adapt."

'That's my Ghostie,' I thought as I smiled proudly. 'Her ability to see things others miss, explodes lower minds.'

Now, I have seen pictures of her mom and old photos of Bryn when she was younger. Let me tell you, when she was young, Bryn was coltishly pretty before becoming ethereal. Not that you could tell it now. Now, she jokes that she traded looks for brains about the time she got her doctorate.

"So, how did you end up with Clark?"

"He was there and I was getting tired of waiting, tired of my Auntie's trying to set me up with whatever boy they could find. One tried to set me up with her ex-nephew. That was nothing but awkward. We are still good friends, almost family. He has said before, 'I love you to bits, but that is icky, you are like a sister to me. Now, please, go throw on a skirt, you have amazing legs and should show them off.' That boy can turn up the girlfriend vibe in 3 seconds...flat.

I know someone who can do that. Weird.

"In the end, I got tired of the pitying looks I would get at the family things. Truth be told, when I told him to either commit or get out, I thoroughly expected him to take off at a run, like he couldn't get away fast enough. Before I knew what had happened, he told everyone I had proposed and picked a Saturday. After that, it was a whirlwind and I almost took off."

"Took off? Eloped?"

She snickered. "No. Ran away. Far away."

"Oh. So you almost pulled a runner?"

"Oh yeah. Had my bestie stand up with me because I knew that if Haka showed up and objected, he would have knocked Clark to the floor to give me time to run."

'I very nearly did show up.'

I thought back to what I said when he finally left.

"What did I say?" I stood there, leaning on the doorway, arms crossed over my chest, fingers tapping on my bicep. The look on my face was thoroughly parental.

"That it would never work."

"And....."

"You were right, I was wrong, I am sorry."

"You gonna listen to me from now on?" My face was passive, but there if she had looked she would have seen the anger in my eyes. I wasn't mad at her, I was more than a little upset with him, though.

"Yes, Dear."

"Good Girl. I'll be home as soon as I can." I cupped her face, kissed her forehead, and said, "Don't do it again. Next time you won't get away with it, my stubborn Wolf."

"Next time?"

I was turning to head back to my body, "First one doesn't count. It was arranged. This one, you got swept up in. Don't do it again. Now, go to sleep."

I had to breathe a minute against the anger building in my chest. Then, I went back to the story.

"You call him 'Haka'? That's cute."

"Yeah, he's Heyhaka, the Elk. Haka, for short. Then there is Sweet Pea, and the occasional Assbag."

"And is he often a jerk?"

"Nah. Only when he is making promises he has no intentions to keep."

'Listen here, Lady! I fully intend to keep them when they are made, Woman!'

"I really don't think he would make them if he didn't intend on keeping them, Sissie. Sometimes, circumstance gets in the way, and then they don't get the focus they deserve. How does he phrase it?"

"All he says is 'Soon'."

I laughed. "The word 'soon' is not a promise. It's an open guarantee."

"What?"

"It's a half promise. He can't put a time on it so he just says soon. You know, sometimes you can be kind of dense."

'Exactly. You are kind of thick sometimes, Darling.'

Bryn's cheeks pinked. "Aww, shut the fuck up," She laughed.

"You've got a potty mouth!"

My jaw dropped. 'Naughty.'

"Like you didn't know or don't have one of your own. Has he not told you the extent of my sailor's mouth?"

"He doesn't know that I know you. I get to hear about everything from both sides. Kinda makes me wanna poke my ear drums out sometimes."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. You two are fuckin' perfect for each other."

'I guess we are, huh?'

About that time, the kids started waking up. Davidd was first, followed by Mattie, and then Darryn. I was sitting on the couch, getting the walkthrough of how to turn on the cartoon channels when Mattie climbed up next to me and curled up in my side.

"Morning, Munchkin," I said cheerfully.

She sagged against me and whispered, "Morning, Uncle Joey. Can I have some new milk?"

I was taken aback by the simplicity of the request. "Shouldn't you be asking your mom for that?"

"I would but Daddy called and him and mama got into another fight."

'And that just cashed out my good night.', I thought as I could have sworn I heard a knock at my door.

A-N:) Please don't shoot the messenger. Spirit put up some of the tags. Lol.

[lamujerarana]

people have been calling the ff dated for ages but I still don't understand it - I get that the dynamic is based off sixties sitcoms but I don't see why a story about family is perceived to be too old fashioned to resonate now - why do you think the ff lost their popularity?

I’ve written already on why I think the FF are still relevant and more important today than ever.

But as to why people consider them outdated, well, I think it’s a combination of two main things:

First, perceptions of the FF, among the general public but especially in comics fandom, are stuck in the past or very simplified. I think people see the bright uniforms and the family dynamic and assume that the FF are a happy, functional family who lead overly privileged lives, have no real problems, and always have goofy, ridiculous adventures. They think the FF’s lives are unrealistically bright and wholesome and happy, like something out of a Disney cartoon, which isn’t really in vogue at the moment. It’s similar to why people think Superman is no longer relevant (they are wrong on both counts). 

Of course, they don’t realize that the FF’s lives aren’t like that in actual comics canon (this is why actually reading comics and not relying on fandom interpretations is important). Honestly, they never have been. They love each other, but they are not perfect people with perfect lives. That has literally always been the point of the FF. They’re more realistic and natural and flawed as people than the heroes who came before them (and, I’d argue, plenty who came after them). They bicker amongst themselves frequently. They have very real problems. As Waid wrote in FF V3 #60, the FF as a family is more Addams than Cleaver (or Kennedy). But the thing is, together they – and their love for each other – are perfect, and they can get through anything as a family. So, yes, there’s a hopeful message at the heart of FF comics, but that doesn’t mean their lives are storybook perfect. More like beset by tragedy, despair, and disillusionment, but that’s what makes the fact that they do overcome in the end so important. They’re the ones who never give up, no matter how bad everything gets, and things do get very, very bad for them. Literally, that is where Peter Parker and so many other heroes learned that “never give up!” phrase from.

I mean, for fuck’s sake, just to list SOME of the things they’ve been through: 

Cut for length.

Johnny and Sue watched their father get murdered in front of them way back in 1964, when Johnny can’t have been more than 17. Johnny nearly died stopping a nuclear bomb from destroying a small town at 16, the same year he was one misfired bullet away from being shot to death. He is a rape survivor. He was trapped for two years in a Negative Zone prison where he was violently murdered and brought back to life, over and over, hundreds and hundreds of times. He’s been experimented on repeatedly, including by a future version of his own sister. He was beaten, during Civil War I, into a coma by the same civilians he’d repeatedly risked his life defending since he was literally a child. Ben’s superpowers are a thinly-veiled metaphor for full-body disfiguration, which he struggles to cope with daily (in Mythos: Fantastic Four he actually suffered full-body burns in the accident, which later turned into the rocky skin). Ben’s brother, father, and mother all died before he hit 18. Reed suffers from chronic anxiety because of his superpowers and the effort it takes him to retain a human shape. For several months, half of his face was badly scarred by Doom, and he believed there was no cure (it took divine intervention to fix it). Sue had her mind invaded, violated, and warped by the Psycho Man. She also witnessed her future self’s murder at the hands of Doom and held her own funeral. Reed and Sue’s kids have been possessed, thrown into hell, kidnapped, and forcibly taken away by court order. The FF lose everything periodically. Every member of the FF at one point or another has been either actually dead or presumed dead, and, yes, the others grieved. Are grieving, in Ben and Johnny’s case, over the loss of their entire family. Their origin story is 100% a horror story, where they are all turned into monsters against their will by a horrible accident they are lucky to have survived at all, and it was experienced by every member of the FF as deeply traumatizing. People never understand that the FF’s celebrity is a carefully constructed shield to protect the FF from discrimination and ostracization, or that it’s only partially successful. They have been called freaks, refused housing, subjected to bigoted mob violence because they are metahumans (and Franklin is a mutant), had people refuse to associate with them, been taken in the dead of night to military prisons and studied, where they witnessed another inmate being called a freak and executed…and that barely scratches the surface of what the FF have been through. 

So, again, their lives are not always – in fact, rarely ever – like something out of a storybook. The point is that they overcome difficulties and tragedy as a family, not that they never face any the way people bafflingly seem to assume. This misconception of what the FF are like very much contributes to the hatred of the most recent FF movie as “too grim and dark,” when it is actually not too far off from the comics. Most of that film’s plot was taken from Ultimate Fantastic Four, and the scenes from the military prison are, frankly, watered down, less horrifying versions of Fantastic Four: First Family and 1610/616 canon in general. The FF in the comics are fascinating. They are all complex characters with complex problems. They can at times be delightful, hopeful, and happy, but there’s an undercurrent of tragedy and horror to their story that never goes away. They took a terrible, tragic accident and made the best of it, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t tragic.

Which leads me to my second point: fandom characterizations of individual members of the FF also tend to be outdated, simplistic, and so much duller than actual canon. For the most part, they are inaccurate, pure and simple. I partially blame the 2005/7 films for misconceptions about Johnny (who is NOTHING like that in the comics) and maybe Sue, partially the tendency fandom has to whip out 30-50yo, out-of-context panels to verify their outdated characterizations, and partially the mischaracterization of the FF when they guest star in other comics (Reed gets the worst of this by far – I still get angry about what Civil War, Mighty Avengers, and New Avengers: Illuminati did to his character. It was just petty and unnecessary and OOC – I suspect the writers were intentionally making him look bad to prop up their Avenger faves, which is gross and has done a lot of damage to fan perceptions of the FF). 

So, for the record, Reed is not an arrogant, selfish jackass who loves science more than his family. That is the exact opposite of who he is. It was a literal plot point during Hickman’s run, that he has to listen to his heart just as much as his mind. Reed’s entire life revolves around his family. Everything he says or does is for them. And, for the record, he’s actually shown in canon being 100% involved in his wife and kids’ lives. Family picnics, family dinners, family movie nights, date nights, romantic island getaways, reading his kids bedtime stories, putting them to bed, nightly feedings, ball games, vacationing with the family at his California summer house – for fuck’s sake, he homeschools his kids. I have a VERY hard time buying that he neglects his kids when he’s sitting in a classroom with them several hours a day, five days a week. He’s also driven by his desire to make the world a better place – i.e., he feels a great deal of sympathy for the people around him and a moral responsibility to care for their well-being. And he is not boring! He’s an explorer! He’s Mr. Adventure! He’s half Indiana Jones, half Einstein. The FF’s lives are never boring when he’s around, and they all love him for it and love the life fantastic he makes possible for them all. And Reed works hard to give them that life because he feels so deeply guilty for the space flight accident that gave them their powers, which he believes robbed them all of a chance for a normal life. (No one else holds him responsible, but that’s Reed’s thing. Taking responsibility for everyone and everything around him.) 

And, I can’t believe I actually have to say this because it is one of the most ridiculous arguments fandom has ever concocted, but Reed does not now nor has he ever abused his wife and children. Even in the 1970s, he broke through some serious mind control because the thought of physically harming Sue was so repulsive to him. He would literally die for her. The panels that typically get bandied around as indicative of his abusiveness are part of a badly-written plot that necessitated Reed act like a jerk for a few moments to save his wife’s life. Is it a terrible plot? Sure. Does it mean Reed is abusive? FUCK NO. It actually means the opposite – that is framed as very unlike him in the actual comic. So. Was he sexist/dismissive of Sue at times in the beginning? Sure, but pretty much every other male superhero who has been around more than maybe two decades was the same way about women. Let’s not kid ourselves – many male heroes still are condescending to women. So if we’re dismissing Reed because of period-typical sexism from 50-30 years ago, we’ve got to hold every male superhero who’s been around, oh, more than two decades accountable the same way. What matters is that Reed’s characterization has shifted since 1961 and he’s rarely – if ever – depicted as sexist these days and consistently hasn’t been since the late 1990s, which is more than I can say about certain popular, beloved male “heroes” who regularly get taken up as feminists by fandom, despite their lengthy history of violent, abusive behavior towards women, behavior that has never been addressed and they’ve never been held accountable for (is it sad that I am thinking of two separate “heroes” when I say this? Reading the comics is important, kids, because it keeps you from doing things like that). Mostly I think we need to differentiate between period-typical sexism – which we can assume would no longer occur in a modern-day context when a sliding timescale is taken into account (i.e., a character expresses a sexist belief because it is seen as normal in the time period in which the comic was written, but once it’s updated to a modern-day context, they would no longer do so) – and virulent misogyny, which is a set character trait that does not change even if you move the story forward into modern times. Reed is the former, not the latter (he was actually, if you can believe this, considered “hen-pecked” in the 1960s). As a point of comparison, Reed nowadays is consistently depicted treating his wife as his equal if not better, while Namor’s toxic, condescending, misogynistic treatment of Sue remains very much unchanged (despite the disturbing tendency of some writers to romanticize Namor’s unhealthy obsession with Sue). So. Reed’s sexism in the 1960s was period-typical, Namor’s was and is due to his own misogyny. One changes, the other does not. And also? Reed’s wife is one of the most powerful women in the Marvel Universe, and she’s smart as hell. She doesn’t let him get away with anything, even on those very rare occasions when he tries, believe me. If he keeps a secret out of a misguided desire to “protect” her, he knows it’s only a matter of time before she figures it out, and she always, always does, sooner rather than later. (It’s hard to keep secrets from someone who can turn invisible.) But most of all, Reed and Sue are equals and partners, in every sense of the word. They are one hell of a power couple, emphasis on the “power.”

Sue isn’t a weak, passive, neglected housewife who dotes on Reed’s every word. Please stop with that. She’s a ridiculously powerful badass superhero, the COO of Fantastic Four, Inc., a dedicated philanthropist, an intrepid explorer, a part-time SHIELD agent, a skilled diplomat, the Queen of Old Atlantis, and a woman who can defeat the Avengers singlehandedly, terrify seasoned supervillains into fainting from sheer terror, and easily outsmart men who are trying to outmaneuver her politically. And she’s a very happily married woman, thank you very much, who adores her husband and considers herself his equal, and he feels the same way. He has, in fact, called her the true leader and most powerful member of the FF, and she describes him as a man who “oozes integrity” and calls her love for him “the lodestone of my being.” He’s grateful that she loves him, and says he loves her more than anything. She loves Reed and she loves that her life with him is always interesting, one adventure after another. Let me explain something that sums up Reed and Sue’s modern-day dynamic to you: bad guy does something to piss Sue off (like threatening/harming a family member), Reed makes sure other good guys keep out of the way so she can personally kick bad guy’s ass, doesn’t even question whether his wife can handle it because he knows she can, enjoys watching Sue kick the shit out of said bad guy because she’s such a badass and he’s so proud of her. This happens more than once. Reed gets captured, body swapped, mind controlled, etc.? “Not worried. I know Sue will save me, even if she has no reason to think I’m in trouble. She’ll figure it out and save me because she’s so smart and wonderful.” Sue needs to do something well-nigh impossible? “She can do it. I believe in her.” He trusts her implicitly. So. Reed is sweet and gentle as a lamb, and Sue is as fierce as a lioness. Personally, I have to say, sweet, absent-minded, unassuming scientist/husband and scary, badass, overly capable, powerful COO/queen/wife is exactly the sort of ship I love. So, hey, guys? Maybe don’t assume their marriage has the same dynamic it had 50 years ago. Because it doesn’t, and I think if you stopped to think about it for ten seconds, you would know that a sexist dynamic like that wouldn’t have survived this long. 

Johnny’s not a conceited playboy/frat boy or a jock. I assure you he has never been in a frat in his life – he dropped out of college to be with his serious girlfriend – who he nearly married – not long after enrolling (…at like 19, he was already trying to get married…he just wants a family). He’s very noble, compassionate, gentle, heroic, loathes violence, and cares deeply about the greater good/helping other people. He’s very paranoid about potentially losing control and harming other people with his powers because he would literally rather die than let that happen. He’s VERY responsible and always in control when it comes to his powers, because if he’s not people die. He doesn’t like sports very much – he’s a geek who canonically loves video games, Star Wars, The Matrix, Quantum Leap, Sliders, and Buffy. He loves fashion and cars and Broadway and cooking and babies and his family and his hair. He has very low self-esteem – mostly he thinks he’s worthless without his powers and that people only like him for his looks (which is why he’s so fixated on them, btw). He wants desperately to find true love, get married, and have kids of his own, but he never manages to do it, which always negatively affects his self-esteem. He’s only ever broken up with someone ONCE in his whole life (Lyja, for excellent reasons) – his partners, on the other hand, dump him, over and over, in the most traumatizing, dismissive ways possible. He is bipolar (he’s called himself manic-depressive in 1970s FF canon, an older term for bipolar), and suffers from chronic depression. He’s also word-of-god canon queer, and his character has a pretty lengthy history of queer-coding. So, you know, maybe stop assuming he’s a straight dudebro jock when he’s very much not in the comics. 

Ben, as I’ve mentioned, isn’t a happy-go-lucky guy who is just a collection of antiquated quips – he struggles constantly with his superpower/disability and the depression it causes. It took YEARS for him to work up the courage to go out in public (when not superheroing) without hiding behind a trench coat/hat combo. He thought of himself as hideous and monstrous and would frequently have angry outbursts when people reacted to him with horror or disgust. It was only his family’s unconditional love and loyalty as well as Alicia’s capacity to see the good man within that helped him, after a very long time, to accept himself. His story is one of struggling with disability and learning to love yourself again. It’s hard for him! It’s incredibly hard and he still backslides some days. Also, he’s Jewish! Why doesn’t anyone ever know that he is canonically a Jewish war hero who originally fought in WWII? He’s a fascinating, important character and I think he could resonate strongly with modern audiences.

Basically, fandom is very, very wrong about all of them. Everything about the FF that fandom thinks is “outdated” or “boring” or “unlikable” is either an invention of fandom or something it cannot move past even though canon (largely, with very few exceptions) did long ago, and thus it does not coincide with actual, modern-day canon. 

Fantastic Four comics are not stuck in the 1960s. Fandom is.

[danganronpa-21]

Hope you don't mind me asking. I'm just curious. What exactly are your problems with Kiyo (besides him being a killer), Kokichi (besides him being basically a killer), and V3 as a whole?

Honestly, sometimes I forget that my opinions are on public display like that on my Amino/Instagram. Especially the Amino ones, cause those are sort of out of date.

Anyway, thanks for asking this question!

I do want to preface this by saying a little something though: My takes on V3 should not be taken as 100% valid! Why, you may ask? Well... confession time, I haven’t played all V3. At the time it came out, I was harshly disinterested. Rather than experiencing it for myself, I chose to read up on it and learn what happened for myself. I’ve never been someone who’s particularly bothered by spoilers (much to the chagrin of literally everyone I’ve ever known), so I didn’t think anything of it at the time. And when I looked in to it, I didn’t like what I read and thought that it was good that I didn’t bother playing it for myself. I felt this way for a long time, rejecting all V3 things, until eventually I was lovingly bullied in to picking up the game myself. So while there are aspects of V3 I have experienced beyond my readings, it’s not done in full for me at all yet, so there could be several gaps in my knowledge or just my feelings. Please don’t take everything I say as my one and only interpretation, because it’s true that many of the feelings I express in my answer could be subject to change. I recognize that these takes aren’t valid because I haven’t experienced the game in full. It’s the same as when someone criticizes Danganronpa 3 without having seen it themselves: sure, you know how it’s written so you have some thoughts on it... but it’s still best to experience it yourself to formulate your own opinions. That’s what I’m intending to do, but I haven’t gotten around to it fully yet... because it’s an experience I’m hoping to share, if I play my cards right.

Really though, if I am to explain the offences I have at the current level of V3 I am on, I would say that each of these three aspects of V3 are explained… probably more simplistically than one would expect. I see a lot of people who have these in-depth reasons as to why they feel so strongly about a certain aspect of Danganronpa, and while I can be that person sometimes… here, not so much. 

Besides being a killer, honestly Korekiyo just makes me uncomfortable. Like even beyond the incest thing, there’s something about him that absolutely puts me off. I tried watching his Free Time Events to see if I could stir up some love for him, but I found myself making any excuse to stop every five minutes. I can’t say that I like his design or his mannerisms, and his voice actor communicates Korekiyo’s creepiness well… but I couldn’t find it in me to get past to what some people would refer to as the softer, sweeter aspects of Kiyo. Even the anthropologist element couldn’t save Kiyo for me, and I honestly thought it might. I’ve taken a few anthropology classes myself and I think the topic in itself is interesting enough. However, hearing Kiyo talk about it just either felt boring or off-putting, and I can’t say that I one hundred percent know exactly why that I ended up feeling that way. I suppose it’s fair to say that anthropology is a rather broad topic, and that what Kiyo spoke of in his FTEs wasn’t exactly my point of interest. But if you jump away from the anthropological aspect of Korekiyo, I’m with the majority in saying that the incest thing just made me flat out uncomfortable. 

At this point you could absolutely argue that it’s unfair of me to slander Korekiyo for being incesty if another character I love is Kanon Nakajima, a girl who has extreme and obsessive romantic feelings for her first cousin. However, I would justify myself in saying that the primary reason why Kanon works for me and Korekiyo doesn’t all boils down to other aspects of character. Do I think it’s creepy the way Kanon talks about and acts around Leon? Yes, of course. But the thing about Kanon is that she manages to utilize her other traits to become likeable in spite of it. She has all kinds of other quirks and traits that exist outside of being Leon’s creepy cousin who’s in love with him. Her whole presence as a character isn’t for the sake of being chilling, whereas I find much of Korekiyo’s character is to be weird and unnerving. It’s easier to get behind Kanon because I feel like she’s not just madly in love with Leon, but rather has other parts to her existence that are meant to make her realistic outside of it. Korekiyo, while he does have additional character traits, seems to be crafted with the intention of being creepy. 

I also know that at this point some people would want to argue that I’ve judged Korekiyo all wrong because his sister manipulated him into loving her and he’s actually an abuse victim, and I won’t dispute them. Do I agree with them? I can’t say, because the interpretation itself is just that: interpretation. Just because another interpreted it that way doesn’t mean that I will interpret something the same way, and so on and so forth. But even the line between “is Korekiyo an abuse victim or not” is something that puzzles me, because otherwise, the wrong person could boil it down to the question of Korekiyo stooping down to the level of his abusive sister by manipulating and murdering Tenko and Angie (and just to be clear, this question is not something that I personally believe). And even if maybe that seems like a far-fetched interpretation that someone could draw, the suggestion that an abuse victim will turn out like their abuser makes me undeniably frustrated. It would send a message that I don’t feel is appropriate in the slightest, and play in to the fear that many real life abuse victims have. 

All in all, the way Korekiyo was constructed just doesn’t have what I would call the “Koto appeal”. They simply had a different Danganronpa player in mind when they were designing him, and that’s perfectly fine. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with liking Korekiyo, he’s just very far from my cup of tea.

Something like Kokichi, I would say.

Kokichi already gets a hard time from me because honestly… I don’t find I like characters who are just out to make the player’s life harder. It’s not even a “i’m bad at video games” thing, it’s just that I genuinely find myself frustrated with characters like Byakuya and Nagito sometimes because I’m just trying to do my job, how dare you be trying to screw me up, you little shit!

So he’s already got beef with me right there, especially being the one that’s so much more challenging to fight against than the others. The dude’s high jacking entire trials and you just have to sit there with an “I guess this happening” expression as you try to work out the problem. I already play Danganronpa on gentle because something about the game just makes my inner potato brain skyrocket to like 500%, so Kokichi is kind of a pain in the ass for me. Which I get he’s supposed to be, but I don’t like it. 

His character relationships don’t help me, either. While I am fully aware that it’s all an act, the insensitivity is still harmful to the people around him. Yes, he does have this put on for the sake of fulfilling this plan of his and preventing the others from mourning him when he eventually does die. Unfortunately that plan in itself is a problem for me too though, after seeing a fan reconstruction of his plot to avoid the deaths of Gonta and Miu. Which even if it was a necessary sacrifice, makes Kokichi feel slightly more cruel to me -- although I know some may think that it shouldn’t. The behaviour still just sits badly with me, not to mention that even if you consider the inklings of Kokichi being a good guy… I don’t feel as if I can say with confidence really anything about him. Which again falls back on to a personal writing problem with me, because I am entirely an audience who likes to know things. That’s part of the reason why I write fankid fic: because there are things that I like to know that Kodaka will not confirm nor deny for me. So I took matters in to my own hands in hopes of satisfying both myself and others with where things will go. But if I don’t feel like I know Kokichi and my only evidences of him are of him being a jerk, it doesn’t lead me to like him very much.

Which is also what throws me for a loop with Danganronpa V3 as a whole, actually! All of the end revelations got me pretty badly in the sake that I have a vague notion of things that they showed me pregame, but otherwise there’s a lot that the game leaves unanswered. I mean, on the flipside, there’s absolutely evidence that everything we got to see was true… But until I know, I have trouble enjoying V3 totally. 

Plus, it also just contains my least favourite cast. I still like some of them, but there are more that I either don’t like or don’t care about. As you mentioned before, I’m not excited about Korekiyo or Kokichi. And maybe I just don’t know anything about them yet, but I’m not terribly interested in Kirumi, Ryoma, Tenko, or Rantaro. I have a little bit of love for characters like Himiko, Gonta, and Tsumugi. And to be fair, I do like Kaede, Kaito, Kiibo, Miu, Maki, and Shuichi a decent amount. But still, compare that to games like Danganronpa 1 where the only character I actively dislike is Hifumi... then it just comes out as my least favourite. Even with Super Danganronpa 2, I have a sort of dislike-like for characters like Nagito and Kazuichi. I don’t completely dislike them in the same way I do some of the characters in V3. 

Really, though, I know all of this is stuff that I personally think about V3 is subject to change. After awhile of straight up disliking it and refusing to play it like the stubborn child that I am, I do fully intend to commit myself to the game and maybe change some of my opinions along the way. Sure, it’s fine for me to have some of this opinions and ideas based off of what I do know, but ultimately I know it’s something I have to experience for myself for my take on it to be actually valid.

Hopefully if I can work out the things I need to try and work out, you guys might even be able to watch me experience it for the first time... but that all depends on how well my computer can handle running the appropriate programs simultaneously. Fingers crossed, though!

[jashindoesntloveshidan]

Wrong. "Death" does not frighten Hidan (neither does he think as something without meaning). It is the ultimate gift from his Lord and saviour, and if anything he longs for it so he can finally meet his god. Don't take away such an important fact from him. -H.

You know, for a closed/affiliated rp blog, my Hidan’s been getting quite a bit of attention on tumblr. Which is cool (and very unexpected). I have 100% honestly been waiting for someone to call me out for something. I’m glad it’s happening now, when I’m at a good comfortable place with my portrayal, rather than when I was a new baby beginner (since he is my first muse ever lol). So, instead of ignoring this ask and continuing on like I was prepared to do, I think I’ll just elaborate on my choices instead.

The see more is here bc of length, but also bc i don’t wanna bother anyone else from TTU w this rant lol.

So, I feel like I should start by putting it out there that this doesn’t upset me. I love Hidan with all of my heart, and I‘m glad there are others who take interest in his extremely multifaceted and mysterious character. If you truly are a Hidan fan, you would understand that because he is such a vague character, there are a billion trillion different takes on him. From violent and heartless with no real reason, just kill kill kill jashin jashin jashin; to huge explorations of his psyche and past. As someone who is writing for him, I like to give and take from everything I see. I want him to be unique, of course. Not pump out the same old morbid, one track minded, blood hungry, religious sociopath.

Don’t take this as me trying to make an entirely new character out of him, either. That isn’t what I want to do, obviously. But, here’s the thing: I’m not quite sure how in depth you went searching through this blog, but this is an rp for a modern AU. I can say it again for you, just in case you misunderstood.

This. is. a. modern. alternate. universe.

And if that doesn’t make it abundantly clear: he is also in college. I understand how conflicting that is. “How can a character based on murder and sacrifice ever fit in this kind of au?” Great question. And, it can go for a lot more places on tumblr than just my blog- what, with all the other wild au’s out there. But, I think that calls for a deeper reading on his character, yeah?

Kishimoto even said himself, Hidan is an empath. Wild, right? How can someone claim to be empathetic, but literally leave his home for the sake of keeping violence alive? These are the things you must consider when constructing his personality.

Now, to finally get to the point: is Hidan afraid of death? I have seen many a post about this topic scattered around tumblr, and I find it very interesting.

Yes, the almighty Lord Jashin thrives off of sacrifices, and promises an unimaginably wonderful afterlife to his deserving servants. It sounds like the perfect plan. Why be afraid of death when

Jashin has an immense meaning to him? That, you are right about. He would never blindly believe in something. I am not saying that he is doing this just to do it. But, keep in mind, he converted to Jashinism. He wasn’t born into it. Something happened in his life that lead him to this safe haven where he can be free to bask in what *he* believes in. Whether or not it’s selfish is another topic, but you can’t deny that it was for personal gain. You don’t think, just a little tiny bit, in the back of his mind, he doubts it?

To that you can say “No, Emma, he doesn’t. He is immortal. Jashin has proven himself to be real, and of course Hidan is so loyal and blah blah blah blah blah….”

But hey! Did you forget that this is a modern au already? He isn’t immortal here! All he has right now is the benefit of the doubt.

I can still go on and on and on and on forever. But to wrap it up: yes, Hidan is sure he knows where he’s going after death. He has great ideas and dreams about what is awaiting him, and will hold onto these beliefs as tight as he can. And you’re right, he is excited to get the chance to meet his God one day. But, there is still the fact that no one actually knows what happens after death. Hypothetically, what if nothing happened? And subsequently, what if everything he’s done was for nothing?

And to call myself out, maybe saying “scared the shit out of him” was a little extreme. But there’s no way I’d deny that it is a thought that lingers in the back of his mind.

Thanks for caring about him, and visiting my blog!

[ethanalter]

Judd Apatow talks returning to stand-up and why his kids don't want to watch him tell jokes

Judd Apatow prepares to take the stage for the first time in 25 years in ‘Judd Apatow: The Return’ (Photo: Netflix)

The last time that Judd Apatow graced a stand-up stage, Bill Clinton was running for President, Aladdin and Home Alone 2 were the year’s top box-office grossers, and CBS still aired Sunday night movies. By the end of that positively prehistoric era known as 1992, the comic found himself at a career crossroads: although he was making a decent living on the road, performing alongside such future superstars as Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey, he started to wonder whether performing was the best platform for his talents. Eventually, self-doubt and a negative review from Jim Henson of all people encouraged Apatow to cede the stand-up spotlight to his friends, while he headed into the writers’ rooms on such TV shows as The Larry Sanders Show and The Critic — formative jobs that eventually built him into one of the most powerful writer/directors in Hollywood.

Twenty-five years later, Apatow is exercising that power for a return to his first love in the new Netflix comedy special Judd Apatow: The Return, which premieres Dec. 12. Having already signed a deal with the streaming service in 2014 to executive produce the series Love, Apatow tells Yahoo Entertainment that Netflix proposed the idea of The Return after catching a stand-up set he performed at the 2015 Just for Laughs Festival in Montreal.

“I had started doing stand-up again when we were shooting Trainwreck,” he says, referencing the hit comedy written by and starring Amy Schumer. “I told Netflix, ‘Give me a year,’ and then I got serious about trying to construct something I might be proud of.” After an intensive process of writing and honing his first stand-up set since ’92, Apatow stepped in front of the cameras — and a live audience — this past summer, filming several performances that were edited together to form one cohesive hour. “Most of it is from one show, but I was too scared to just tape one night,” he admits. “When I play tennis, I choke every time, so I needed several shots at this.”

There’s no choking in The Return, we’re happy to say. After some initial stiffness, Apatow warms up to his material with a great bit about how people used to share pictures before the days of Instagram and continues to land punchline after punchline from there. We spoke with him about being back in front of a crowd, how his two daughters, Maude and Iris, feel about being a source of Dad Joke material, and how he wants to be part of reforming the way our culture addresses sexual harassment going forward.

Every comic has their own very specific process for writing new material. What’s your approach? When we were shooting Trainwreck in 2014 in New York, I would go to the Comedy Cellar every night after we wrapped. I knew there would be a 15-to-20-minute drive to the club from the set and in that 20 minutes, I would try to think of something new to say and immediately try it. Writing stand-up can be done in many different ways. Most people won’t sit down at a computer and just try to write, like they’re writing a short story. You definitely can do it that way, but most people are just way too lazy. They say, “Oh, I just think of stuff when I’m on stage.” That’s really just an excuse to give yourself more time to binge Narcos! [Laughs]

What’s the difference between writing comedy now versus 25 years ago? Besides binge-watching Narcos, obviously. When I was young, I didn’t have anything to say. I started doing stand-up when I was 17, and I did it until I was 24. I just didn’t have any strong opinions, and I didn’t have any great stories from my life. I also wasn’t especially angry about anything. Now that I’m about to turn 50, all sorts of stuff has happened to give me stories and make me angry! I have things I want to share with people. I feel like the stand-up is an extension of the ideas you see in my movies. People feel like they’re watching an extension of Knocked Up or This Is 40 in monologue form.

Apatow in his element on the stand-up stage in ‘Judd Apatow: The Return’ (Photo: Netflix)

Because of that, it probably wasn’t as difficult to start writing jokes for yourself again as opposed to writing jokes for other people to deliver. Yeah. It’s a lot of the same ideas. Most of what I write about is the attempt to be happy, and the attempt to figure out how to be a good person, as well as everything that goes wrong along the way. When I do stand-up, I’m not someone who has the answers. I’m always the person who’s wondering how badly I’m screwing up my children. [Laughs]

Trainwreck was when you started performing stand-up again, but I imagine making your earlier film Funny People reintroduced you to that world. Was that when you started seriously thinking about getting back to stand-up yourself? I got burnt out from watching comedy non-stop from the time I was 10 until I was 24. For a decade, I didn’t pay any attention to anybody. Slowly, I began to realize that I had no idea what was happening in comedy clubs and in improv theaters. When I was writing [2009’s] Funny People, I started doing a little stand-up in order to write the jokes for Seth [Rogen] and Adam [Sandler]. That was the beginning of me realizing that it was my first love, and why I got into the business. It took a while for me to figure out a way to do it. Then, when I was working with Amy Schumer, she always seemed to be having so much fun doing stand-up. I think I just got jealous! Like, “Oh, we’re supposed to have a lot of fun making comedy?” I’ve been so stressed out trying to get everything done correctly that I wasn’t having as much fun as I wanted to have. Stand-up was a way to kind of reconnect with the joy of all of it.

When you were a younger comic, were you someone who vowed never to do material about your family life? That’s definitely a big part of this special. I love comedians like Ray Romano who talk about raising kids. It’s a very weird era to be a parent because the world is changing so quickly, and technology is changing so quickly. I think parents are in a wide-eyed panic! We don’t know if the fact that our kids are addicted to these gadgets means that they’re going to survive in a new world or whether they’re just turning into idiots who will be able to accomplish nothing. It’s fun to talk about the fact that there is no playbook for the modern parent. We’re like, “Is it bad that my kids are on Snapchat all day? I don’t know. Maybe that’s how they talk to each other.” It certainly makes it much more challenging than it was for my parents, who I don’t think ever saw the inside of my high school.

Did you feel like you had to get permission from your daughters or your wife, Leslie Mann, to talk about them in your act? Did you run material by them? They all saw the material at different times just coming to see me. When the special was done, I said to the whole family, “Do you want to see it to make sure you’re comfortable?” All three said no. Mainly due to a total lack of interest! Not one of them has watched it. I’d go so far as to say they may never see it, just because there’s something better on TV. No child wants to watch their dad talk for an hour. That would have been my nightmare: my dad having a special where he talked for an hour. There’s nothing I would rather see less than that. I support their lack of interest.

What jokes fell by the wayside as you honed your set? I shot a lot of extra material. There was a long routine about me going to Taylor Swift concerts with my kids, and how they want me to not react to the show. I’m not allowed to be negative or positive. In fact, they’re more embarrassed if I’m having the time of my life. I have to go to the show and call zero attention to myself. So there’s a long stand-up discussion of that. They just want you to be the limo driver and pretend you’re not there.

Are you someone who is hyper-aware of how the audience is reacting? Are you able to power through bits when they’re not working? It’s very hard not to locate the one person in the club who hates you. I’ll say something, and maybe it’s borderline offensive, and I’ll find the one person that really didn’t like it. Sometimes I’ll just perform directly to that person. I’ll literally just look him in the eye for five solid minutes, just to see if I can get him back. That’s probably not the way you’re supposed to perform.

You’re very outspoken politically on Twitter and in public, and you do take some shots at Trump in the special. Was there more of that material at a certain point? Any political material ages out very quickly. But I didn’t want to not mention that it would be better if we had a different president. It didn’t seem right to not get that on the record of where I stood in 2017. Still, you don’t want to talk about it too much, because the world changes so quickly that the material doesn’t make sense. You think you have a great new bit, but really you’ve just written something about the controversy of that week. There are so many [things] coming at people that they forget all the others. I’m glad that all the old George Carlin specials don’t have long bits about Jimmy Carter! [Laughs]

You tackle sexual harassment as well, and I’m sure that subject is very much on your mind given what’s happening in comedy right now. Is that something you were similarly concerned might date the material, though? I had a long bit about Bill Cosby at one point. I thought, “Is this going to be old by the time the show airs?” Suddenly, it seems like it applies to everything else that’s going on right now. Unfortunately, that situation has just gotten worse and worse. That routine applies to more people than just him. I’m glad I’m talking about it.

Apatow and Amy Schumer on the set of ‘Trainwreck,’ the movie that Apatow credits with convincing him to return to stand-up comedy (Photo: Mary Cybulski/Universal Pictures/Courtesy Everett Collection)

Outside of stand-up, how you do see yourself as potentially being a voice in the industry on this issue or providing a voice to the victims? How do you see your role in this? I think there’s a discussion about why high-level people didn’t step in to stop people who were committing crimes. That’s a very important conversation that people don’t want to have. I’d like to be a part of that going forward. We do need to talk about who knew, who could have said something, why didn’t they, and how can we create the conditions where in the same situation someone will now step forward where before they wouldn’t have. That’s important. A lot of people were happy to say, “It’s none of my business,” but the truth is, for certain people, it was their business. They could have warned other people, because it’s about protecting vulnerable men and women. When you ignore something, you’re allowing other people to get hurt. We want the whole community to want to protect each other.

It’s certainly not lost on anyone that people in the entertainment industry are losing their jobs over this, whereas that’s still slower to happen in politics. People really want to hold onto power. People feel like their own power is at risk if they try to speak up too loudly about the misdeeds of others. There’s a lot of butt covering that happens. People are very self-centered, in all industries and in politics. We have to figure out how we get people to speak up for what’s right. That’s why there aren’t more people speaking out against Roy Moore. It’s the same dynamic. People have their own personal goals and they’re not worried about other people. We have to change that. I think that change has begun.

Do you imagine Donald Trump stumbling upon The Return on Netflix and watching it? I don’t have anything to say about that, really. He doesn’t seem like someone who’s looking for healthy criticism so he can do a better job.

What are the plans for your next feature film? The last script you directed, Trainwreck, was one you didn’t write. Are you working on your own script or are you open to directing someone else’s again? I’m open to anything. I spent a lot of this year making a documentary about Garry Shandling, which is going to be on HBO in March. It’s a two-part, four-hour examination of his life called The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling. I’m really excited for people to see that. I also made a documentary about this band The Avett Brothers, called May It Last. That’s going to be on HBO, too. A lot of this year has been about making documentaries, which I really loved to do.

You had a close relationship with Shandling, but in doing the documentary, were there things about his life that surprised even you? The point of the documentary is that most people didn’t really know who he was personally; he was a bit of a mysterious, mercurial fellow. This film answers a lot of the questions that people have about him. He kept diaries his entire life, and we track all the events of his life with the use of his own words from his diaries. He was successful from the ’70s through just a couple of years ago, so you also get to track what’s happening in each era of comedy.

Apatow, his wife Leslie Mann, and his friend and mentor Garry Shandling in 2009 (Photo By: Dee Cercone/Everett Collection)

While we’re talking about documentaries, you mention in The Return that you toured with Jim Carrey in the ’80s and ’90s, so I’m wondering if you’ve seen Jim & Andy: The Great Beyond, which is also on Netflix. I love that documentary! I did a Q&A the other night interviewing Jim, the director Chris Smith, and Spike Jonze. In the documentary, you see Jim’s auditions to play Andy Kaufman, and I was the one shooting them at Jim’s house! He just got a camera and we worked on that one day. I got to visit the set and talk to Andy, when it was Jim not breaking character. It was deeply uncomfortable.

Looking back on it now, are you shocked by how far he went? I remember that it was so funny to watch in person when he was doing it. If you visited the set, he would act like Tony Clifton for eight hours straight. He would just insult people relentlessly — way past the point where they were amused by it. It was a really wonderful, demented experiment. I think his work in the movie is incredible. That’s what Jim is about: he really commits to the premise of what he’s working on, and takes it as far as you can take it. When you make something about Andy Kaufman, the put-on is part of it.

Judd Apatow: The Return premieres Tuesday, Dec. 12 on Netflix.

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