rarelydail

[rarelydail]

The American Nightmare

In May (May 7th to 15th), I was to the States for the first time ever. Took me a lot of time to process, I guess. It was absolutely not what I expected.

We visited New York and New Orleans for my sister's friends' wedding. And frankly, and don't cancel me for it, it's just an outsider's opinion, the United States suck.

Sure, New York is impressive from afar. But get in close, and you see the streets and sidewalks have holes the size of the ones in deep rural Poland.

The famous New York subway? Its stations are tiled with the absolutely most disgusting tiles I've ever seen in my life, sickeningly dirty, with what looks like sewage water forming tiny streams in between the tracks.

Times Square? I really don't know what the fuss is about. It's giant screens all over giant buildings, absolutely blasting your eyeballs with ads. We all freaking hate ads and skip them as soon as possible, yet Times Square which is basically ads squared, is so wow...? I don't get it. It wasn't fun, it was ads.

Manhattan? Sure, there are a lot of parks, and Central Park is very beautiful. But considering how many people live there, I'd say the parks are probably barely enough. The city is mostly concrete, brick, asphalt etc. And finding a trash can is borderline impossible.

And the outskirts? Beautiful American homes, but if you look closely, the paint is chipped here and there, some junk lying in the yard, and for that matter, there's barely any yard space at all and you're literally hugging your neighbors house.

New Orleans was very different, there was greenery everywhere. Beautiful lush trees overarching the streets, palms, and an overall Mediterranean feel.

The trams were awesome (went a little rarely, but still acceptable, and the price was low).

The French homes had a unique vibe and overall, I liked it a lot better than the NYC.

But my god, never before had I seen so many homeless people. They were everywhere, on the lawns in parks, under trees, sloping against buildings, and the French Quarter smelled like either piss or rotting trash, pick your poison. And it's not just the side alleys, but the main tourist streets as well! We went to get hot dogs and the outside of the restaurant smelled like rotting trash, even though there weren't any in sight. Idk how that's sanitary... Personally, I liked all the voodoo stuff, but my sister was freaked out XD

And two more things:

1. The States are a country of assholeness. What I mean is, things that you don't need to survive are reasonably priced. But as soon as it's something you absolutely need to survive (or live normally), it's unreasonably expensive.

The bridges of New York. You need to pay to cross them every time, between $2-18, even if you're living in or around the NYC (or so I've been told by our New York-based host). That's ridiculous, given that the only way onto Manhattan by car is across a bridge. It reminds me of a bridge troll, hiding underneath and jumping people travelling across, demanding a toll. It's ridiculous.

Insulin. It's basically them telling you "pay up or die for all we care". It's bullying. My god, life-supporting medicine should be the cheapest, and the first to be refunded by insurance or the government. Not the last!

Suing. I was mind blown how many adverts there were for lawyers, plastered everywhere. You can get sued for everything, and lose, even if you're in the right, if you don't pay for the right lawyer. The fuck?

2. "Country of freedom" my ass. There are sooo many surveillance cameras all around the streets! I'm not surprised now that in all those detective/crime shows a la CSI they can follow the criminal on surveillance throughout the city. You can't do whatever you want anyway, because of the suing. Or just because of people judging you.

I literally never pay attention to race. Have been in the Netherlands, France, the UK, I never ever cared about someone being black or white or Asian or Hispanic. Especially Hispanic since that's kinda everywhere in Europe so I honestly didn't even know it was a race when I was younger. To me, people are just people. But not in the U.S. Over there, I was astonished to realize that I do pay attention to race, just because I was insanely conscious of being white and what people thought I was doing or thinking. Like, I sometimes stare at someone when I'm lost in thought. It's never about that person, I just need to look somewhere. But I was very conscious of which direction I was looking in the States, because I was afraid that someone would get offended, or think that "a white person is staring which means they must be racist".

It's not a country of freedom. It's a country of fear.

Dear Americans, come over to Europe, even to the small insignificant Poland, and see for yourselves. As long as you obey the basic laws (which you do anyway over at your place), nobody tells you what to do. Only very few places have surveillance. Nobody will sue you for looking at them wrong. Things that are necessary for survival are free or cheap. There's no systemic bullying. There's national health care that, well, is not perfect, but is way better than whatever you've got going. You can actually ride an ambulance in case of emergency and not pay anything! Amazing! It's almost like that's what they are for!

Sure it's not perfect here, but after being in the "perfect country" that everyone dreams of living in, I have a newfound appreciation for good ol' Poland. I never want to live over there. Sure, I'll visit, it's nice enough to see more of it, but if living there is a dream, it seems like that dream is a nightmare.

[rarelydail]

My lucky coin

I actually though I had lost it, but I found it just now in my travel wallet! It's a grosz, sth like a cent or a penny. They are usually golden in color, but this one is very dark brownish grey, I just call it black. I'm positive this is some kind of natural phenomenon, darkening of the metal or sth, but I haven't seen any other like this one yet. I've had it for years, and I call it my lucky coin.

I don't really believe in objects bringing you luck, but hey, is it hurting anyone that I keep it? No. So stop judging :P

[rarelydail]

Mom took my dog away

No need to panic, I'm not a teen and this is not a punishment for some misbehavior ;P I'm taking a trip to the States tomorrow, and had to leave my dog with my mom for the week or more.

But I almost immediately got very lonely. I kept expecting to see Pysia every time I walked past my bed, her usual resting spot. I felt so weird not taking her with me when I went outside to do some quick grocery shopping. I didn't know what to do with myself in the evening, when I usually walk her before we go to sleep.

This sucks really bad. I want her back as soon as I can :(

[rarelydail]

A railway shrub

While walking the dog a couple of days ago, I found a shrub (or bush, whichever term you prefer :P) growing wild in the middle of a railway track. I'd walked that path a hundred times by then but had never noticed that it was there. Maybe because it was leafless in winter, or maybe it was covered in snow, but now that it it late spring, it's grown pretty leaves of an intense green color.

It's funny how it survives in the most unwelcoming of places. There are trains crossing there sometimes twice per hour, yet the bush adapts and perseveres. I wonder why it grows there. There are no there bushes nearby, nor on the tracks. Did the wind blow its seed there, and it fell in between the track rocks and took root? Did someone plant it there on purpose, taking pleasure in watching it adjust to its harsh environment or die? Did it choose this inhospitable place on its own, secluded and lonely, knowing how hard it would be to survive, but having something that it yearned for, that it desperately needed?

We may never know. But there it is. Living. Growing. It may be tiny, cut short and shaped by speeding trains. It may live a difficult and painful life. But still... it lives.

[rarelydail]

A night ride

I'm a creature of light, definitely. I thrive in the sun, and am the most productive during the day. However, these rare times that I am out and about at night, I do enjoy it. There's something peaceful about it, cities get unusually quiet and empty, and blissful. Every time I ride my bike at night, it takes less time too. I don't know if it's the fact that there aren't any people causing traffic, or the chilly air keeping me cool, or that I'm eager to return home already, but somehow, I go faster and are less tired at night.

Last night was such a night. I was returning from a KNTG Polygon meeting, and the ride made me feel calm and happy.

[rarelydail]

Graffiti

I'm always happy when I find good graffiti out in the wild. I think it's awesome, and that it's way better than having blank, grey, boring walls everywhere. Of course, if it's just swear words sloppily written in caps lock, then there's nothing to admire there. But there are amazing art pieces to be found graffitied all throughout cities.

That's why I'm always upset when someone decides to spray some terrible graffiti over a really good one. It's like drawing moustache on Mona Lisa and thinking you made a funny joke. It's just plain sad.

This graffiti is gross, yes, but it is really good. You can't deny the person drawing it knew what they were doing. A shame someone decided to spray paint sth on top of a part of it :/

Anyway, found this graffiti when my suburban train stopped to let another train pass and wanted to share it with the world I guess :)

[rarelydail]

Bird sniper

I've never been pooped on by a bird (...yet), but today a pigeon sniped my dog right in the head XD

She was forced to take a bath. She was very unhappy about that.

[rarelydail]

I'm always fine

This conversation got me thinking again about whether or not I'd ever been depressed.

I used to believe depression wasn't real, and that people needed to just pull themselves up by the bootstraps and do something to feel better. Before you cancel me though, I do understand now that depression is a real thing that can't always be helped by sheer willpower. I actually think that believing that was my mind's way of getting me through tough times - if I believed firmly enough that it was all my fault, I could never feel ok with giving up, or I knew it'd just get worse.

So, since I've been definitely in a good place (not perfect, but good enough for me to know that I'm good) for about 2.5 years now, I have been wondering from time to time if I was ever truly depressed. Whether I qualify, or if my "down" was never down enough. I'm on the fence. On one hand, I never did nearly as bad as people online describe their depression to be. On the other, knowing myself, there were times that were really, really tough. I did get out of it myself, without any help, but it took a lot to do so. A lot of searching for answers, a lot of lying awake at night, crying, and hating myself. And many, many years of trial and error. And error. And error.

Today, I think I finally came to a conclusion that satisfies me, and that I'm willing to believe until I find a better answer, or until someone fact-checks me. I think that there was indeed a time when I was depressed, but, I went through depression like I go through any illness or disease - mildly. I have a high pain tolerance, and perhaps that extends to mental pain as well.

This answer feels right, so I'm sticking with it for now.

[rarelydail]

Paper night sky

I just got back from a walk with Pysia and the clouds in the night sky looked very peculiar. It was almost like they were 2D images painted to look as if they were 3D, with shadows and highlights, on a layer that was then made semi-transparent and placed in 3D space some distance in front of the full moon, and then slowly scrolled to the right.

They looked paper thin, as if etched in rice paper or waxed paper, yet still had incredible depth in their tones of white-ish grey.

There was not nearly this much color, it was all more monochrome in tones of cool blue and white. But you know how phone cameras are. I'm actually pretty surprised it turned out as well as it did.

Perhaps one day I'll try to recreate this sight in Unity ^^

[rarelydail]

Hedgehogs

They are here! These city-dwelling creatures can be found around where I live by the dozens, and my dog Pysia cannot seem to stop herself from trying to play with all of them. I usually keep her short near them, first of all, because she's scaring them, and second of all, because what if they bite her?

Are they cute? Are they funny? Are they poisonous? Who knows! But they are here!

They are here. Close your doors, and barricade your windows. Keep very still, and very, very quiet. They can sense your fear. They can smell your sweat. They will come.

...

Don't judge me, I guess this day was boring enough that my tired-ass brain wanted to spice it up with some Night Vale-esque commentary :P It's probably cringe as heck, I'm too tired to judge.

Honestly, not much happened, I'm constantly on the edge anticipating the upcoming "earn less but pay more" situation while my finances are already stretched :) I want to know how much more, because I already know I'll be earning 100zł/month less ("perks" of becoming 26 years old). It sucks and I find myself looking through additional job offers on OLX, because my employer won't give us raises for at least a couple more months. They are "considering the economic situation". Well, good on them, meanwhile, people are struggling.

I'm complaining, but honestly, it wouldn't have been much different if I rented an apartment instead of having a mortgage. Rent skyrocketed across the board.

Well, I'm just hoping the rate won't cross the 2,000 zł mark. That'd be disastrous.

Anyway, boring and slightly awkward to listen to adult complaining done. Have a nice day and bye!

[rarelydail]

A blunt needle?

Since COVID started and I basically got the middle finger from the national healthcare, I had to start doing my own injections. It's not pleasant, and I'm pretty sure I'm not particularly good at it, but I've managed these past 2 years.

Last night, for the first time ever, I got a crappy needle. I prepared everything as usual, but when I was trying to inject myself with the medicine, the needle wouldn't pierce my skin at all. I pushed way harder than usual, and nothing. It was just pushing my skin down. When it finally pierced the skin, it did it so suddenly that I wanted to adjust the syringe and let it go for a second, but the whole syringe fell over with the, idk, a couple of milliliters of the needle stuck under my skin. I had to pull it out, and it started bleeding, and I was fricking pissed. It didn't really hurt, but I had to switch needles and find a new spot to inject myself again.

So tl;dr, I got jabbed twice instead of once, and it was super annoying. I hope to never get another stupid blunt needle ever again, it sucks.

[rarelydail]

Waking up to weird images

When I go to sleep, I usually toss my clothes and the bed cover onto the floor next to my bed.

You know how when you just wake up, your brain is not completely up and running yet and takes a while to recognize what certain things are?

Yesterday I woke up to what looked to me like a digital drawing of half of Harry Potter's face.

Bear with me, you need to squint here :P

And on March 1st I woke up to what I thought was a dog's face, but then I realized my dog has a black nose, not a red one, and then I realized it was just my shirt on the floor :P

I love brain tricks XD Hope for more of these. I may use that "Harry Potter" photo as a base for an actual digital drawing when I've got some free time :)

[rarelydail]

Smell saving

We can easily save images by taking a photo, we can pretty easily preserve sounds by recording, why on earth have we not yet found a way to save smells?

Every time I open my tea cabinet, I just sniff probably the best smell I've ever smelled. It's none of the individual teas, I checked. There's something about this mix that hits just right for me.

Saved a photo to hopefully be able to recreate it some day :P