#happy to get another w today!
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i listen to fog lake too much
#falls through the ceiling with a mighty crash hello#it's been what...8 months?#I was too busy w uni and being mentally ill#thank u everyone so much for the tags on all prev posts.. i re-read them oaccasionally 💗#they make me v happy thank u for giving me a moment of ur time#that means so much#anyway! vashwood!!#i hate them so much#i want to eat them#i want to ugly cry#i want an ideal world where they could've had something for a little bit#im eating drywall and pacing around the room in a cold sweat#so trimax-atypical overt intimacy it is#more coming...in maybe another year#It's a big project!#to me. yeah#my dream is to be put in a terrarium for a while#if only u knew how many wips I have w vashwood..#maybe i'll get tired and pile them into one post all unfinished and no less ok for it yk#whatever u r doing doesn't need to be perfect to make someone happy#didn't u experience a positive little zap from my imperfect colored doodle rn?#what a speedrun of a drawing that was#(<spent 10h on it. that's the minimum for anything ever)#hope today is treating you well! so long stranger!#vashwood#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trimax#trigun#tzarrz
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i got to spend the whole day with my manager!!! we got to carpool to one of our other offices in another city and had such a good fun day together!! counting the time in transit we worked like an 11 hour shift today but it didn't feel like it bc we had each other!!! i love her!!
i may have skipped a few steps between that last sentence and the rest of the post but too tired 2 fully articulate + just peruse the #mm (My Manager 🫶🏾 (っ˘з(˘⌣˘ )) tag.... also there's more in the op tags if this gets rb for some reason
#I wanted to kiss her so many times today. in a way that just feels natural and right yk?#stopping yourself from leaning over like ah yes. don't do that. ..........i think..... ................. but i want to....#i might ask lol 😭😩 next time we're rly vibing like we were today idk. we are each other's special friends and r so sweet together 🥺#genuinely love her ugh. anyways...... manager tag →#mm#i feel like my new associate is a whole other rant but i won't get into it 💀 IT'S SO NICE GETTING TO WORK W ANOTHER#TRANS WOMAN OF COLOR. She's SO so beautiful 😭😩 and has been rly cool to talk to and i am so happy to have a proper team now#there's another guy but eh. no offense 💀 but HER!!!!!!!#or. i said i wouldn't get into it so i won't for now 🤐 but today has been a day i dreaded and it was just so so great actually ♡
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i lent one of my lab mates my key to my other lab and istg if she isn't done by tmr i'm gonna be kinda irritated because i'm technically not supposed to do that
#chatterye#it's fine if it was just one day#but she couldn't finish it in one day#and if my boss finds out she'll probably not be happy w me#so my labmate better be fucking done by tmr i'm serious#also i just need my key back LMFAO#also we have a similar microscope in our lab idk why she doesn't just use that?????#sorry i'm just stressed about getting in trouble#this will not happen again LMFLAKFDSLJGKLJ#i didn't realize i would be so stressed#also the way she kinda declared she was keeping my key for another day peeved me a bit#anyways todays the last time anyway so it's whatever
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i have to go to bed very soon so instead i'm lying here being overcome by clintasha emotions
#i've spent today rereading bucky barnes gets his groove back and the clintasha chapter never fucking fails to send me into a tailspin#the shared history. their shared history. god#i love CNL and CNL is one of my top ships of all time#but man if clintasha by itself without anyone else and especially without any kids doesn't mean something so much to me#i will never be a normal person and neither will you and by fucking god we will warp each other beyond recognition to be abnormal together#we'll spend so long speaking in code that it becomes the only way we speak#i don't know what other people mean by trust but for me it's what you do#sb and l rambles#sb and l reads fic#mcu#mcu ideas#clintasha#there's a fic out there about nat time-travelling back after endgame and fixing everything#she saves all the other girls in the red room. she gets bucky out. she stops loki and thanos and saves the world#and it is good. and everyone is happy. and she gets a romance with maria hill#what does she give up for all of this good? there is so much good. and all she loses in this new timeline is her relationship w clint#i don't even think the author ships clintasha. but man if that doesn't sum them up#natasha can fix everything and can save herself and have sisters and be the hero she's never let herself dream about being#and all it costs is the absolute bone-deep fucked up secret language that is her relationship with clint barton#all it costs is her ability to be that close to another person. to only have one couch she allows herself to pass out on#''telling clint doesn't count. that's like talking to my right elbow'' indeed
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the teenagers at work concern me so much but I don't want to be preachy so whenever they say something that gives me pause I just give them a look that says "what you're saying to me right now is setting off alarm bells but I want to respect your autonomy and right to make your own decisions and mistakes and learn from them" and they just go "I knooow"
#today the 19 year old told me her bf is 24......... and they started dating a month before she turned 18 when he was 23....................#i was like.... babe.....#another is having to move in w her bf of... a month and a half!#not necessarily by choice tho so i get it. i know theyll be ok too even if smth happens they should be ok#just happy to offer advice and assistance
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doodle dump
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#lobotomy corp agent#lobotomy corp oc#pretty sure i have more i missed. just doodling since i cant get myself to make more than bare minimum effort rn#ocs as well so i dont need to think abt how to properly portray another. considering i literally made them up#personality wise anyways. took some creative liberties when it comes to actual gear and random generated agents anyways#maybe ill actually ramble abt them on the sideblog. Eden and Eliza mirrors to one another and picking specific aspects of humanity to cling#to. Eden deciding the subconscious and concepts of humanity brought to life is more ideal that humans themself. the more one loves of human#ity the less one begins to love of humans. Eliza becoming subservient and wanting to activly love humans and her kin even when they hold no#love for her in turn. Both needing to be rewarded or feel rewarded for their dedication. Idealizing each side. the idea of everyone is capa#ble of good and thus should be forgiven and unquestionable love and loyalty. Eden viewing people as senselessly killing oneanother in furth#er elaborate ways and rejects the idea of people all together and finds solance in the Concept than the Living#Angelina and Ryn with how one views time and survival. One hyperfocused on surviving of the current day and neglecting their own very self-#and desires while the other only looks towards the future and idealizes to the point where they dont even see the today. delusion to claw#through reality. Safety team w Brook Eliza Evgeni and Katya is a little harder to explain but the main concept with them as a Group being a#a jab at the happy workplace family that gets along. nuh uh#i guess another idea that is weaved into them is 'survival' and how one sees they can be fit to live or find a meaning to live. and the con#tradictions that arise from anothers perspective and how people 'ought to live'. a clash of either accepting or denying anothers way of#how one should survive. and the projection of a way to live. of 'i view this to be right and thus i will have you do this thing' saving an#aspect or person that they can see themself in to then essentally save themself.#will i be able to handle such ideas with finesse? likely not i dont have faith in myself to properly encapsulate such topics to a perfect#enough degree but it is interesting to explore
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coping with things so well today so i’m bragging about it ✨
#had a SMALL emotional reaction to something but then like breathed through it and was very normal#and then something that might’ve made me feel kinda alone and insecure a year or two ago#actually just made me feel happy which is a MUCH preferable reaction#and one that matches the reaction in my head#my emotions are not me#they tell me things but they’re only a piece of the puzzle and I can still decide how I process things beyond the immediate emotions#also did a bunch more organizing of my stuff for packing#and wrote things in my planner for the first few weeks of school#I already have several plans and events!!!!#and instead of pushing someone away I suggested some plans a few months away#bc that gives both of us kinda a sense of security in the friendship?#they’re worried about losing me with me going back to school#and I’m worried about losing them bc they have kinda a major obsession w/ someone else rn#(which is pretty cute when my brain isn’t being an insecure dick)#so this makes us both be like ‘even if things change we still have plans and our friendship will withstand those changes’#anyway gonna get ready to go walk up a big hill for fresh air#today has been a good day overall#OH AND ANOTHER FRIEND DROPPED BY OUT OF THE BLUE#AND GAVE ME A HAND SEWN EMBROIDERED CHARM FOR BACK-TO-SCHOOL!!!!#and a little card about how they’re proud of me and will be there for me on this journey!#god now I’m gonna cry#I have the most amazing friends in the whole freakin world#personal
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if Bean doesnt eat something soon i think i am going to lose it
#personal#theoretically i know c versis can go for months w/o food but. it HAS been months#i'm considering rehousing her/redoing her tank in case she just isnt happy in there anymore#which is my suspicion bc she destroyed part of her web tunnel#it's just scaring me#and also ive never rehoused an adult tarantula#maybe the bottom of the house is too dirty and that's upsetting her? it's hard to spot clean most of it bc of how the cork bark#and her web are placed#so there's some old dead feeders tucked in the back as well as her old molt#and i can re-do the whole substrate if i can get her out and into a different container for a bit#hopefully w a cricket she will eat#half of the problem is i just cant get the crickets TO her#but then even when they do get near her she doesnt eat them#ughhhhh#if anyone has any personal experience getting picky new world arboreals to eat after a long hunger strike PLEASE reach out#also if u read this far u get the additional sad news that my tiny little apache jumping spider has died#fine yesterday. curled under today. poor lil guy :( idk if he reached the end of his lifespan or there was another issue#also sprout hasnt been seen in a few months hopefully she's okay tucked in her cave#but i never did get her sexed and she's 3 years old which...if she's a male that's the end of her lifespan#at least mid-nite is doing exceptionally well and eating ravenously after his post-molting period#doty also ate well today#reminding myself that im Not a terrible spider caretaker and it's normal for c versicolors to be fussy sometimes
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i love black women
#speaking of not beating the beautiful angel allegations!!!!!! 。:゚(;´∩`;)゚:。 ♡#( ꈍᴗꈍ) i went to a black beauty store earlier for more leave in conditioner and the cashier was such an angel#she had a TLC shirt and i complimented it n we started gassing each other up (。ノω\。) ♡ her edges were so pretty#it was a rly nice time and she called me beautiful and love (✿ ‚‚⌒‿⌒‚‚) i am still so happy i got to talk to her today#i don't ever rly think about how i wear my natural hair out but I'm glad it's appreciated for being worn that way ♡ i love u#only another black person would tell me this and the love i felt in there rly makes me miss living in that town instead#i don't get to talk w black folk as often here 。:゚(;´∩`;)゚:。 it's so nice when i get to but augh.. maybe i should move back lol.#it's not far away 🧐 it's just the next town over actually. and u could drive through my town in like ten minutes and not even know you were#in it lol#anyways 🚶🏾♀️ I'm feeling myself rn and im hype and that girl was an angel fr i hope she's having a good night rn
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today’s doodle dump 🎉
#scribblins#i’m being extra self indulgent today since the brain squirrels were running laps this morning#drew a tiny Duckweed that i’ve been thinking abt forever#put Dahlia in one of my fits#-some vent art 🤡-#and fleshed out a little more of how Bruce and Dahlia started bonding#i’m not super proud of any of these i don’t think#Duck looks adorable but i’m not as happy w the froggie design#it’s not whimsical enough#BUT ANYWAY i put SOMEthing to paper which means i get to live another day 🥴#(/j)#SIP#dahlia dahling
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there's a lotta sadness and rough shit in the world rn but how joyful that i get to spend my time making others' lives just a little bit easier :)
#genuinely getting so many little joys out of the small ways i can help make life a little gentler on ppl#and they do the same for me!#🧚♀️'s gonna sleep well tonight bc of something i organised! and she brought me chocolate today when i ran out!#[redacted] can rest easy without cockroaches atm bc of a pest control thing i could get her! and the other day she helped make my bed!#another friend could feel comfy dressing up tonight to go see that movie with clothes and skincare i passed on! and she's been teaching us-#muay thai for months now!#on a sad note 💕'a copy of Care Work came today. it's gonna sit on the shelf with her funeral booklet and the little first aid kit a while.#before she left we taught each other so much too. i'm glad she felt comfy w me. i'm glad she was as excited abt our budding friendship as me#happy bday opal#me#ramble#🧚♀️#💕#world pls be kind to my friends
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btw it is our little's chosen birthday today since it's also emu's bday & not a single person has wished them happy birthday even with them being devastated in our discord status so 🙃it'd mean a lot to them to come back from their sad nap to ppl wishing them happy bday
#mine#we're not saying their name or alias publicly on our acc that's pushing it#but like. i got permission from our primary protector to say smth bc they're genuinely devastated & we're all fucking pissed.#like they literally. told multiple ppl when they picked it out. & were already hurt when they didn't wake up to anything#& then made our status a vent & still. not a single person has said anything. like. idk. im rly pissed idek what to do w myself.#they've been put through so much bullshit this yr w being treated like shit & made to feel just as shitty as we all do. it sucks.#we're all pissed & hurt on their behalf & our own & each other's. i just. idk.#like they say u know who ur real friends are when ur hurting & it's like. damn not even our little has anyone who can be arsed#to give a genuine damn & say anything to them when they're crying on their bday they excitedly chose???? & looked forward to???#they literally were begging & praying to get attention today but instead it's been mostly me & our protector out bc they're so devastated.#idk what to do or say anymore i cant even bring myself to say anything directly to anyone.#im sick of watching not even our little be spared from being treated like shit for being depressed considering the circumstances bruh.#ANYWAY... they're in the back of the headspace taking a nap w another protector to try to cheer up a bit. so.#wish them happy bday and wish them well smth idk just take the load off all this loneliness bc it's suffocating for ALL of us#but it def hurts them the most and it sucks. and im tired. and pissed.
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this is my first valentines day out as aro (to myself. and on here. def not irl fjdkdk) and i feel more love in my heart then ever actually <3 what a wonderful day <3
#i could get a lot deeper abt how like not feeling the pressure or expectations to be romantic w anyone and just being able to Love people#has made me Love people even more but. that's an essay for another day NFKRNF#today i am just feeling very loved <3 and very loving <3#hard not to feel loved tho when i woke up to Two valentines drawings from andy!!!!!!#also ik valentines day is like suchhhhhh a commercialized holiday its gross#but to me it is literally just a day to love and be loved. a day of optimism. romance be damned this bitch will Love and be Happy!!!!!#txt
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mornin lovies!! ໒꒰ྀི´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა i hope the universe woke you up w smth so sweet & so nice to kickstart your weds!! i woke up feelin a lil rough but i’m tryin my best to be gentle w myself as i navigate new life changes & a new season ꒰✿´ ꒳ ` ꒱♡ lets all try to remember to do the same, yeah? all my love to you today & always <33
#happy weds bbys!! ଘ(੭ˊ꒳ˋ)੭✧ i hope you & your faves get thru today w flying colors bc guess what!!!#your faves & i are SO PROUD of you for everyth you’ve been through/going through!! & we know you’re so SO STRONG!! (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و#i work another long shift today & im hopin the universe cuts me a lil bit of slack & help me make 2day great <33#& i hope your day is full of positive experiences w others & an opportunity to try smth new!! ily all SO MUCH!! mwah!! (੭ु ›ω‹ )੭ु⁾⁾♡#ᕱ⑅ᕱ.* journals!
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lack of engagement doesn't make me want to stop making and posting art or whatever but it definitely isn't encouraging either tbh
#sasha speaks#i wanna talk about me#that said comments absolutely do...i got a wonderful comment on a fic today and now i'm thinkin of writing another#like idk maybe it's the timing of when i post stuff but i've tried most times of day and it usually doesn't make much difference so. idk#also for the record if the issue is a lack of image descriptions could someone tell me?#like if that's the thing that holds you back from rb then let me know please#i don't ID all my drawings but i do try to ID the ones i'm especially happy with and/or want to be seen and shared#cause i WANT them to be seen and accessibility is a part of that ik#but when i put a lot of effort into a drawing and an ID on top and it still gets as little attention as my 5 minute shit doodles...#well it's hard to see the incentive#and it makes me feel like lacking an ID is not the reason people don't engage w my stuff. it makes me feel like it's something else#(primarily that people don't see it or don't like it...)
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#there are so many things wrong w today and i am this close to relapsing !!!#and then the start of another week of work#im tired of existing#it's too hard#i'm too tired#i planned on dipping at 15#and any future plans that i even dare to hope for crumple under my feet#before 18? go to college and get out of this god forsaken place#then pandemic happened and i dropped out because if i didn't i was going to 100% kms#before 21? hold on. save up and move in with ***. rebuild from the ground up and learn how to be a person again#now i'm just fucking here aimlessly existing and i can't hold onto anything anymore as an excuse to keep going bc it all gets taken away#so what's left then#what's the point#i can only exist in the past and dissociate through the present#empty vessel#when do i get to be happy?#why do these things happen to me?#vent
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