#happy independence day 2020

[transmechanicus]

this is. probably a very personal question.

Is it worth it? Transitioning? In spite of it all?

Completely, utterly, and absolutely. I’m one of those ppl who knew i was trans since i was like 8. I found out when i was probably 13/14 what transgender meant, but recoiled from it because i could not imagine a world that would accept me or where i would be happy with the result. At 15 i met my first other trans person, and they became my friend and partner and the first person to ever know i was trans. Being around them, known by them, was such a colossal psychological relief and source of joy unlike anything i had known before. It made separating from them after graduation all the more excruciating to lose that one person i had trusted with that truth.

Sometime over the next two years i came out to my Mom, but nothing really changed, and i had more or less resolved to rot and die under the identity i had been born into. I let my undergrad studies chew me up, neglected all but the most necessary body maintenance, and spent every moment outside work or class buried in video games or books. At some point something snapped out of place, or perhaps back into place. I knew i didn’t want to die like this. I wanted something more for my life and my flesh than being a half dead servitor stocking yogurt. I wanted to transition, and however slowly, however long it took, that’s what i resolved to do.

It took a while. I had no real finances, no privacy, and little independence. I was coming from a white low-self-expression, high-control household. I “messed up” while base coating warhammer models one time and gave myself black nails. My dad berated me about it for days before trying to pin my hands down and sand the paint off (didn’t work, thank you automotive primer). When i was ~22 i got my ears pierced, basically the first permanent part of my transition, and i had never known as much joy as i did driving home knowing the pain was a step of permanent progress. Around this time 2019/2020 i started being out online, more vocal about being transgender as opposed to just having a relatively inexpressive fandom blog with no info beyond my name.

When i was 24, two years ago i came out to my dad, and a week later i left for grad school halfway across the country. I had an apartment all to myself, and my own source of income. I spent my spare change building up a wardrobe of new clothes that i actually liked. I got my first year of grad school done mostly without anything remarkable. Went to some queer events at my school. Found a partner. Got loved to bits for a while. Re-came out to my parents over the summer, and this time it stuck. Started HRT that fall, 2023. Came out to my classmates and coworkers and was rewarded with support and acceptance. Lost the partner. Devastated. Resolve to get even hotter and cooler. Smash out 3 piercings and a tattoo inside a week. Develop personal fashion sense. Attend research conference. Get better at makeup. Go to some concerts. Increase HRT. Tiddy Arc. Buy bra with a supportive bestie. Start weekly therapy. Increase HRT. Cosplay at a major convention. Schedule another tattoo. More HRT. Bra no longer optional. Present day. Tattoo on Wednesday. 90% of progress packed into the last year or so. Undeniably hotter, happier, and more self-expressive than anything in the last 24 years prior.

Transitioning is more than worth it, it brings me so much relief and joy every day no matter how shitty my day is otherwise, and while i have known doubt, i have never for an instant known regret.

There is still time���🏳️‍⚧️💕

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Cleantech has an enshittification problem

On July 14, I'm giving the closing keynote for the fifteenth HACKERS ON PLANET EARTH, in QUEENS, NY. Happy Bastille Day! On July 20, I'm appearing in CHICAGO at Exile in Bookville.

EVs won't save the planet. Ultimately, the material bill for billions of individual vehicles and the unavoidable geometry of more cars-more traffic-more roads-greater distances-more cars dictate that the future of our cities and planet requires public transit – lots of it.

But no matter how much public transit we install, there's always going to be some personal vehicles on the road, and not just bikes, ebikes and scooters. Between deliveries, accessibility, and stubbornly low-density regions, there's going to be a lot of cars, vans and trucks on the road for the foreseeable future, and these should be electric.

Beyond that irreducible minimum of personal vehicles, there's the fact that individuals can't install their own public transit system; in places that lack the political will or means to create working transit, EVs are a way for people to significantly reduce their personal emissions.

In policy circles, EV adoption is treated as a logistical and financial issue, so governments have focused on making EVs affordable and increasing the density of charging stations. As an EV owner, I can affirm that affordability and logistics were important concerns when we were shopping for a car.

But there's a third EV problem that is almost entirely off policy radar: enshittification.

An EV is a rolling computer in a fancy case with a squishy person inside of it. While this can sound scary, there are lots of cool implications for this. For example, your EV could download your local power company's tariff schedule and preferentially charge itself when the rates are lowest; they could also coordinate with the utility to reduce charging when loads are peaking. You can start them with your phone. Your repair technician can run extensive remote diagnostics on them and help you solve many problems from the road. New features can be delivered over the air.

That's just for starters, but there's so much more in the future. After all, the signal virtue of a digital computer is its flexibility. The only computer we know how to make is the Turing complete, universal, Von Neumann machine, which can run every valid program. If a feature is computationally tractable – from automated parallel parking to advanced collision prevention – it can run on a car.

The problem is that this digital flexibility presents a moral hazard to EV manufacturers. EVs are designed to make any kind of unauthorized, owner-selected modification into an IP rights violation ("IP" in this case is "any law that lets me control the conduct of my customers or competitors"):

https://locusmag.com/2020/09/cory-doctorow-ip/

EVs are also designed so that the manufacturer can unilaterally exert control over them or alter their operation. EVs – even more than conventional vehicles – are designed to be remotely killswitched in order to help manufacturers and dealers pressure people into paying their car notes on time:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/07/24/rent-to-pwn/#kitt-is-a-demon

Manufacturers can reach into your car and change how much of your battery you can access:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/07/28/edison-not-tesla/#demon-haunted-world

They can lock your car and have it send its location to a repo man, then greet him by blinking its lights, honking its horn, and pulling out of its parking space:

https://tiremeetsroad.com/2021/03/18/tesla-allegedly-remotely-unlocks-model-3-owners-car-uses-smart-summon-to-help-repo-agent/

And of course, they can detect when you've asked independent mechanic to service your car and then punish you by degrading its functionality:

https://www.repairerdrivennews.com/2024/06/26/two-of-eight-claims-in-tesla-anti-trust-lawsuit-will-move-forward/

This is "twiddling" – unilaterally and irreversibly altering the functionality of a product or service, secure in the knowledge that IP law will prevent anyone from twiddling back by restoring the gadget to a preferred configuration:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/02/19/twiddler/

The thing is, for an EV, twiddling is the best case scenario. As bad as it is for the company that made your EV to change how it works whenever they feel like picking your pocket, that's infinitely preferable to the manufacturer going bankrupt and bricking your car.

That's what just happened to owners of Fisker EVs, cars that cost $40-70k. Cars are long-term purchases. An EV should last 12-20 years, or even longer if you pay to swap the battery pack. Fisker was founded in 2016 and shipped its first Ocean SUV in 2023. The company is now bankrupt:

https://insideevs.com/news/723669/fisker-inc-bankruptcy-chapter-11-official/

Fisker called its vehicles "software-based cars" and they weren't kidding. Without continuous software updates and server access, those Fisker Ocean SUVs are turning into bricks. What's more, the company designed the car from the ground up to make any kind of independent service and support into a felony, by wrapping the whole thing in overlapping layers of IP. That means that no one can step in with a module that jailbreaks the Fisker and drops in an alternative firmware that will keep the fleet rolling.

This is the third EV risk – not just finance, not just charger infrastructure, but the possibility that any whizzy, cool new EV company will go bust and brick your $70k cleantech investment, irreversibly transforming your car into 5,500 lb worth of e-waste.

This confers a huge advantage onto the big automakers like VW, Kia, Ford, etc. Tesla gets a pass, too, because it achieved critical mass before people started to wise up to the risk of twiddling and bricking. If you're making a serious investment in a product you expect to use for 20 years, are you really gonna buy it from a two-year old startup with six months' capital in the bank?

The incumbency advantage here means that the big automakers won't have any reason to sink a lot of money into R&D, because they won't have to worry about hungry startups with cool new ideas eating their lunches. They can maintain the cozy cartel that has seen cars stagnate for decades, with the majority of "innovation" taking the form of shitty, extractive and ill-starred ideas like touchscreen controls and an accelerator pedal that you have to rent by the month:

https://www.theverge.com/2022/11/23/23474969/mercedes-car-subscription-faster-acceleration-feature-price

Put that way, it's clear that this isn't an EV problem, it's a cleantech problem. Cleantech has all the problems of EVs: it requires a large capital expenditure, it will be "smart," and it is expected to last for decades. That's rooftop solar, heat-pumps, smart thermostat sensor arrays, and home storage batteries.

And just as with EVs, policymakers have focused on infrastructure and affordability without paying any attention to the enshittification risks. Your rooftop solar will likely be controlled via a Solaredge box – a terrible technology that stops working if it can't reach the internet for a protracted period (that's right, your home solar stops working if the grid fails!).

I found this out the hard way during the covid lockdowns, when Solaredge terminated its 3G cellular contract and notified me that I would have to replace the modem in my system or it would stop working. This was at the height of the supply-chain crisis and there was a long waiting list for any replacement modems, with wifi cards (that used your home internet rather than a cellular connection) completely sold out for most of a year.

There are good reasons to connect rooftop solar arrays to the internet – it's not just so that Solaredge can enshittify my service. Solar arrays that coordinate with the grid can make it much easier and safer to manage a grid that was designed for centralized power production and is being retrofitted for distributed generation, one roof at a time.

But when the imperatives of extraction and efficiency go to war, extraction always wins. After all, the Solaredge system is already in place and solar installers are largely ignorant of, and indifferent to, the reasons that a homeowner might want to directly control and monitor their system via local controls that don't roundtrip through the cloud.

Somewhere in the hindbrain of any prospective solar purchaser is the experience with bricked and enshittified "smart" gadgets, and the knowledge that anything they buy from a cool startup with lots of great ideas for improving production, monitoring, and/or costs poses the risk of having your 20 year investment bricked after just a few years – and, thanks to the extractive imperative, no one will be able to step in and restore your ex-solar array to good working order.

I make the majority of my living from books, which means that my pay is very "lumpy" – I get large sums when I publish a book and very little in between. For many years, I've used these payments to make big purchases, rather than financing them over long periods where I can't predict my income. We've used my book payments to put in solar, then an induction stove, then a battery. We used one to buy out the lease on our EV. And just a month ago, we used the money from my upcoming Enshittification book to put in a heat pump (with enough left over to pay for a pair of long-overdue cataract surgeries, scheduled for the fall).

When we started shopping for heat pumps, it was clear that this was a very exciting sector. First of all, heat pumps are kind of magic, so efficient and effective it's almost surreal. But beyond the basic tech – which has been around since the late 1940s – there is a vast ferment of cool digital features coming from exciting and innovative startups.

By nature, I'm the kid of person who likes these digital features. I started out as a computer programmer, and while I haven't written production code since the previous millennium, I've been in and around the tech industry for my whole adult life. But when it came time to buy a heat-pump – an investment that I expected to last for 20 years or more – there was no way I was going to buy one of these cool new digitally enhanced pumps, no matter how much the reviewers loved them. Sure, they'd work well, but it's precisely because I'm so knowledgeable about high tech that I could see that they would fail very, very badly.

You may think EVs are bullshit, and they are – though there will always be room for some personal vehicles, and it's better for people in transit deserts to drive EVs than gas-guzzlers. You may think rooftop solar is a dead-end and be all-in on utility scale solar (I think we need both, especially given the grid-disrupting extreme climate events on our horizon). But there's still a wide range of cleantech – induction tops, heat pumps, smart thermostats – that are capital intensive, have a long duty cycle, and have good reasons to be digitized and networked.

Take home storage batteries: your utility can push its rate card to your battery every time they change their prices, and your battery can use that information to decide when to let your house tap into the grid, and when to switch over to powering your home with the solar you've stored up during the day. This is a very old and proven pattern in tech: the old Fidonet BBS network used a version of this, with each BBS timing its calls to other nodes to coincide with the cheapest long-distance rates, so that messages for distant systems could be passed on:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FidoNet

Cleantech is a very dynamic sector, even if its triumphs are largely unheralded. There's a quiet revolution underway in generation, storage and transmission of renewable power, and a complimentary revolution in power-consumption in vehicles and homes:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/06/12/s-curve/#anything-that-cant-go-on-forever-eventually-stops

But cleantech is too important to leave to the incumbents, who are addicted to enshittification and planned obsolescence. These giant, financialized firms lack the discipline and culture to make products that have the features – and cost savings – to make them appealing to the very wide range of buyers who must transition as soon as possible, for the sake of the very planet.

It's not enough for our policymakers to focus on financing and infrastructure barriers to cleantech adoption. We also need a policy-level response to enshittification.

Ideally, every cleantech device would be designed so that it was impossible to enshittify – which would also make it impossible to brick:

Based on free software (best), or with source code escrowed with a trustee who must release the code if the company enters administration (distant second-best);

All patents in a royalty-free patent-pool (best); or in a trust that will release them into a royalty-free pool if the company enters administration (distant second-best);

No parts-pairing or other DRM permitted (best); or with parts-pairing utilities available to all parties on a reasonable and non-discriminatory basis (distant second-best);

All diagnostic and error codes in the public domain, with all codes in the clear within the device (best); or with decoding utilities available on demand to all comers on a reasonable and non-discriminatory basis (distant second-best).

There's an obvious business objection to this: it will reduce investment in innovative cleantech because investors will perceive these restrictions as limits on the expected profits of their portfolio companies. It's true: these measures are designed to prevent rent-extraction and other enshittificatory practices by cleantech companies, and to the extent that investors are counting on enshittification rents, this might prevent them from investing.

But that has to be balanced against the way that a general prohibition on enshittificatory practices will inspire consumer confidence in innovative and novel cleantech products, because buyers will know that their investments will be protected over the whole expected lifespan of the product, even if the startup goes bust (nearly every startup goes bust). These measures mean that a company with a cool product will have a much larger customer-base to sell to. Those additional sales more than offset the loss of expected revenue from cheating and screwing your customers by twiddling them to death.

There's also an obvious legal objection to this: creating these policies will require a huge amount of action from Congress and the executive branch, a whole whack of new rules and laws to make them happen, and each will attract court-challenges.

That's also true, though it shouldn't stop us from trying to get legal reforms. As a matter of public policy, it's terrible and fucked up that companies can enshittify the things we buy and leave us with no remedy.

However, we don't have to wait for legal reform to make this work. We can take a shortcut with procurement – the things governments buy with public money. The feds, the states and localities buy a lot of cleantech: for public facilities, for public housing, for public use. Prudent public policy dictates that governments should refuse to buy any tech unless it is designed to be enshittification-resistant.

This is an old and honorable tradition in policymaking. Lincoln insisted that the rifles he bought for the Union Army come with interoperable tooling and ammo, for obvious reasons. No one wants to be the Commander in Chief who shows up on the battlefield and says, "Sorry, boys, war's postponed, our sole supplier decided to stop making ammunition."

By creating a market for enshittification-proof cleantech, governments can ensure that the public always has the option of buying an EV that can't be bricked even if the maker goes bust, a heat-pump whose digital features can be replaced or maintained by a third party of your choosing, a solar controller that coordinates with the grid in ways that serve their owners – not the manufacturers' shareholders.

We're going to have to change a lot to survive the coming years. Sure, there's a lot of scary ways that things can go wrong, but there's plenty about our world that should change, and plenty of ways those changes could be for the better. It's not enough for policymakers to focus on ensuring that we can afford to buy whatever badly thought-through, extractive tech the biggest companies want to foist on us – we also need a focus on making cleantech fit for purpose, truly smart, reliable and resilient.

Support me this summer on the Clarion Write-A-Thon and help raise money for the Clarion Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers' Workshop!

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/06/26/unplanned-obsolescence/#better-micetraps

Image: 臺灣古寫真上色 (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Raid_on_Kagi_City_1945.jpg

Grendelkhan (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ground_mounted_solar_panels.gk.jpg

CC BY-SA 4.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/deed.en

[deramin2]

I don't know how to really express this except to come across as a "kids these days" scold, but so much of the criticism of queerness in Good Omens would simply not be a thing if kids these days watched more 20th century queer media. Or more complex indie queer media in general.

People seem to want a show that's like the straight stories they grew up with but gay. Or the gay fanfiction they grew up with. But that's not really the tradition it's coming from. First off the novel was released in 1990. Queer film classics of the time are Dead Poet's Society (1989) and Torch Song Trilogy (1988). The TV miniseries Tales of the City (1993) wasn't made until 3 years later and it was so far out there it never had a huge audience. Philadelphia (1993) is also 3 years out and was basically the first big studio queer film. The first fluffy queer Hallmark-style romcom wasn't until Big Eden in 2000, a full 10 years after publication.

Queer stories from the time it was written were about complex and often fraught relationships between people who the world was trying to force apart. There is an incredibly strong tradition in queer films of relationships with no guarantees they will work out both in the face of their personal baggage and the weight of the world. Take a film like Torch Song Trilogy that's about the two great loves of Arnold Beckoff's life over 9 years and how homophobia shapes them. Both externally (especially Allen) and internally like Ed struggling with his bisexuality and being terrified of being publicly out. Written and starred in by Harvey Fierstein, who identified as a gay man at the time and only came out as nonbinary last year.

The Boys In The Band (1968 play, filmed 1970 and 2020) was a monumental moment in Broadway history where finally there was a play about gay men in their own words where no one died and very strongly showed that homosexuality doesn't make people miserable but homophobia sure does. But that homophobia also throws their personal lives into constant turmoil and none of them are in happy relationships, although Hank and Larry are devoted to each other in their own fucked up way.

"Relationships are complicated and hard to make work and sometimes a struggle against the odds" is an aesthetic of classic queer film making. Partly it was influenced by the Hays Code (although independent films were not bound to it), partly influenced by the rampant queerphobia in society at the time that was inescapable. But it's also an aesthetic choice to resist the banal and unrealistic relationship depictions of straight media. There are actual stakes to the relationship. Queer people were actively resisting a world that said "Romance is seeing someone across the room and instantly falling in love with each other and little conflicts happen along the way but ultimately they're destined to be together and everything is happily ever after." Recall that "stalking as romance" was a completely inescapable trope in 1980s straight romance films, and every goddamn movie was being turned into a romance film.

So queer people in film and television when they can make what they please have a long tradition of saying instead "People don't always realize the feelings they've developed for a queer partner right away. They may have reasons for denying those feelings that are both a reflection of the cruelty in society and of their own insecurities. People struggle with where they belong and their relationships reflect that. Loving someone doesn't mean they don't also drive you crazy and you might fight with them constantly. But that doesn't negate the love or that feeling that even if things aren't okay, they're better with that person around. But maybe that person can't stay around. The world may be against you. And also maybe you don't just want that one person in your life. Soulmates is a very flawed model. Sometimes the strongest love is a struggle with yourself and the world and your person. You have to overcome yourself first. Happily ever after is a lie. You may be happy for a while, and hopefully for a long while, but everything ends. And you have to be ready to love again. Also your platonic bonds are just as important and life-altering as your romantic ones. Sometimes those platonic bonds include fucking if you want them to. Real life isn't a bunch of platitudes and world-altering moments, it's daily work to better yourself and the world around you. Especially when things just fucking suck. But also remember to have fun and fuck the haters. People who don't support you can eat rocks and you should yell at them more to shut the fuck up."

That is a fundamentally different outlook on what a "good relationship depiction" looks like. Personally, I thought I hated romance movies and then I started watching queer romance movies and discovered I love them and watch them all the time. Because it turns out what I hated was relationships being shown that had nothing at all to do with reality and privileged incredibly toxic ideals. Finally there was complexity, there were stakes, and there were people who had to truly want to be together enough to fight the world for it and not because they happened to be there. There were people actually talking out their problems and looking for resolutions. (And sometimes that resolutions was "I can't fucking deal with this bullshit anymore and I'm out.") For the first time it felt real.

I'm an aroace trans gay man. Nothing about relationships or being in relationships has come easy to me, and the whole paradigm of straight patriarchal romance depictions makes absolutely no sense to me. It's completely alien. Queer romance stories actually feel human.

And that's the tradition Good Omens is coming from, even as it's being retold in 2019-2023 and hopefully beyond. Gaiman's work has always been based in that queer media paradigm. (I've been remiss and daunted and haven't read Pratchett but from what I do know his work also seems to sit more in that world view.) It's a beautiful cinematic tradition and it's baffling to me that people would resist it instead of embracing it for being honest.

And that's when I turn into a crotchety old man complaining about the youth not connecting with the history of their beautiful culture and instead begging for assimilation into a shithole allocishet media landscape that doesn't actually want them except for their money and has nothing at all interesting or valuable to say. But it's very funny (annoying) to me when people claim Good Omens is someone against queer culture when it's so thoroughly bathed in the best of queer media's storytelling traditions and what people are asking for is straight media with the serial numbers filed off. Like, stop being boring please and know literally anything about the culture the adults in the room lived through and were influenced by. The world didn't begin in 2015.

EDIT: I also want to add that in straight media arcs are linear. Traditionally in queer media arcs are cyclical. Queer media very often depicts people going around in circles relearning the same lesson over and over as they inch towards it sinking in. But every time they go through the cycle they gain just a little bit more enlightenment and slowly move towards a better place. From the comments this is an immensely important distinction. People don't actually have cathartic moments where suddenly all their past bad programming is shed and they saunter forward a new person with none of their old baggage. In reality people fall into the same patterns over and over even though they have had every opportunity to learn better. "People magically get better" is a trope of straight media that's an outright and frankly dangerous lie. Again, Good Omens follows the queer tradition not the straight one and it's depicted 6,000 years of that cycle. The world didn't end, and the wheel keeps turning, as it always has and always will. That's so fundamental to queer storytelling traditions I forgot to even mention it.

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

It's like a ping pong game now isn't it? And MM doesn't know how to play this game, it's going from bad to worse for Madame Markle..

Well, the rumor as per Lady C (so take with a truckload of salt) is that allegedly Meghan planted the original Hollywood Reporter story herself so she could get some sympathy PR. Supposedly Meghan gave the HR reporter one name to use (my money's on the individual who still works at Archewell because no way would that person talk without Meghan's explicit consent) and the guy dug up the other 11 on his own.

The Us Weekly was 100% a clapback to The Hollywood Reporter. Given how quickly that story came out, it was definitely in the works when HR published. The Sussexes' "no comment" answer to the HR was because the Us Weekly story was already in progress. Which I suspect Ari and WME were probably aware of as well, given how they've nuked similar "exposes" for other clients. It was out of character for them to let a story like this get published without interference, just like it's out of character for Meghan to take a complaint like this lying down.

And now there's a new exclusive in The Daily Beast. The story about Meghan popping off on a florist is not new and has been around for a long time (which is different from the wedding florist rumor), but the preceding quote about how she's happy when everything goes her way but becomes "demonic" when it doesn't is new.

Is this the start of a press tsunami? Certainly does feel like it, and that's significant because Talking Tarot (an old tumblr blogger from the Sussexes' early days whose track record was very good but who left royal-watching in 2020/2021ish) predicted a press tsunami very similar to what we saw August - November 2018 preceding a Sussex divorce announcement.

What feels familiar about this, as also happened in the 2018 press tsunami (and ignoring Lady C's allegations since they can't be verified), is that the originating source of these stories is not a Sussex affiliate planting PR at Meghan's behest but rather someone acting independently, followed by Meghan (with Harry) clapping back so egregiously that other stories, other leaks, other sources speak out.

And this is different from the saga with Tom's letter. Remember, Meghan wrote that letter intending for him to leak it so she could get sympathy PR and when he didn't, she baited him with the People 5 Friends story. That's her usual MO, one we've seen time and time again since November 2016: Meghan claims one thing. Harry or the BRF (or Tom in the People instance) say something else. Meghan claps back with a new narrative or she doubles down.

But I'm advising caution. While this press tsunami eve (if you will) looks promising, we've had many false starts before. Let's see what happens next. Does Meghan respond to The Daily Beast? Does this go away? Or is this the fatal chink in the armor that makes the Sussexes' glass house finally collapse?

[mimpinightmare]

Guys. Guys! GUYS!!! GUYS!!!!!!!

✨SELAMAT HARI MEDEKA! ✨GUYS!!!!

💙💛❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍

( SONG : Saya Anak Malaysia 2020 (Malaysia Day Song) )

💙💛❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍

GIVING SOME LOVE FOR THE SEPAK TAKWAR TRIO, THE ACES!!! (WHO ARE CANONICALLY MALYSIANS! LET'S GOOOOOOO!!!!!!)

(At least, I think they are- WELL, THEY ARE TO ME!! LEAVE ME BE TO BE HAPPY-)

🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

HAVE I MENTION IS MALAYSIA'S 67TH INDEPENCE DAY??? :D

SELAMAT HARI KE-67 KEMEDEKAAN MALAYSIA TO ALL MALAYSIANS IN THE SUPA STRIKAS COMMUNITY, AND AROUND OR OUTSIDE MALAYSIA!!! Hope you all are having a GREAT DAY ON THIS SPECIAL OCCASSION (ALSO MONTH AND YEAR!) regardless what you're doing!!! (This goes to people who aren't Malaysians too. You deserve great days in your life, like the rest of us!) ✨💛💜💛💜💛💜💛✨

🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

I REWACTHED "SEPAK ATTACK S6E4" FOR THIS. CAN YOU TELL???? ALSO:

They REALLY name the Stadium that held the Sepak Takwar Event, "STADIUM MERDEKA"- Which just translates to:

"INDEPENDENCE Stadium"- (Edited after correction!)

"Merdeka" literally just means "Independence" in Bahasa Melayu-

Kinda ironic and an coincidence for today- And because Animasia Studios is from Malaysia. I wonder if this the people from Animasia Studios decision, or the writers/concept artists outside Animasia to name the stadium that.

This isn't really important- But I've been thinking this since I first watched and notice it in "Sepack Atack S6E4".

🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

(GOING TO BE VERY PERSONAL IN THIS PARAGRAPH-) I will say, it took me awhile to accept my nationality self when I was younger, because always grow up thinking, "You're only special and stand out if you were "English", from a country that is Native Language is English, or any other country that isn't in Southeast Asia." But growing up and surrounding myself with loving and accepting people, I slowly accept myself and falling in love with this country again, despite of it's many flaws.

Malaysia isn't a perfect country, that's the truth. There are many things I would criticize so Malaysia can be a better, safer and inclusive country. In my opinion, I think it's getting better (at least I hope it is-), so I hope it will continue getting better on, in the future. But, of course, despite the terrible things that happens in Malaysia, my love is always towards the people, culture, ecosystem, etc. of this country. And nothing would change that. ✨💙💛❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍✨

( This is my artwork, of me, btw :) )

🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

Originally, I wanted to make a drawing for the "Sepak Takwar Trio", with them wearing traditional clothing from different cultures in Malaysia (Pretty much Headcanons for them). Unfortunately, I don't have time... So I decided to make a little short edit of them instead! ✨💛💜✨ (I'M SO SERIOUS AND UNSERIOUS WHEN I MADE THE EDIT YESTERDAY- 😭😭 ) Maybe next year I will do the drawing 👀👀

Like I said, SELAMAT HARI MEDEKA!

💙💛❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍❤🤍

[gluion]

[part one] of boundaries and secret glances (i'm lucky to be loved by you) ➵ kim sunwoo

idol!kim sunwoo x ex-idol!reader

as a well-respected independent producer in the industry, you get requests from different companies for collaborations. when you accept to work on chanhee and sunwoo's unit track for their upcoming album, you are left to your own devices as you work closely with sunwoo. who is to say what can happen over the days?

genre/warnings ➵ strangers to friends to lovers (though sunwoo has always had a crush on you since your debut), music and lyrics au, fluff, angst with happy ending, afab reader (they/them pronouns), drinking, kpop mistreatment, mental and physical abuse done by companies, close proximity, sunwoo is a FLIRT!!! and also obsessed with you, LOONA IS FREE HERE!!!, iz*one sadly does not exist </3, boundaries are definitely crossed in the sense that you should not be flirting this much with a co-worker turned friend...

word count ➵ 15.7k words (30.3k words in total)

parts ➵ [1] [2]

taglist ➵ @deoboyznet @kflixnet

a/n ➵ this work has been in the making for a year or two. oftentimes, i find it hard to finish works or put them out since i find myself getting scared of how my works will be received. after reading this for how many times and adding final revisions, i am happy that i get to share this baby to the world! this fic is because of how much i love the movie "music and lyrics" and how i kind of fantasized myself and sunwoo in a similar context. thank you again for taking the time to read this. please note that idols shown or talked about in this fic are not meant to reflect my real thoughts on them. i love all the idols here in this fic (especially jiyoon) i would really appreciate it if you could take the time to like and reblog this.

want to be part of my taglist? send me an ask! masterlist

1CON: Where Are They Now? By Lee Hyejin of Soompi 

It has been two years since South Korea's beloved group disbanded. Formed back in 2017 through Produce 101, 1CON has swept the hearts of many from pre-debut until disbandment. Yesterday, the members posted pictures on their SNS accounts that show their little reunion. This then sparked “1CON REUNION” to trend on Twitter.

To this day, many fans hope to see a reunion concert take place to see the members come together once again. As the public waits, we wonder where the members have gone off to.

The beloved center Shin Ryujin (Rank 1) and well-known dancer Lee Chaeryeong (Rank 9) of JYP Entertainment are part of the newest girl group ITZY whose unique sound has found its way to capture the hearts of many. As the group continues to conquer the K-Pop scene with their talents, they have become the pride and joy of JYP Entertainment.

Power vocalist Jo Yuri (Rank 2) parted ways with Off The Record Entertainment and worked on her solo debut under WAKEONE with the track “GLASSY.” With the number of music show wins gained, Jo will be one of the 4th Gen's well-known vocalists.

Captivating dancer Jeon Heejin (Rank 3) and charismatic vocalist Kim “Chuu” Jiwoo (Rank 5) made their debut back in 2020 with LOONA under Blockberry Creative. However, the members of the group have ended their contracts with the company because of the mistreatment they received.

Now, Jeon is a member of ARTMS with some of the former members of LOONA—Kim “Kim Lip” Jungeun, Jeong “Jinsoul” Jinsol, and Choi “Choerry” Yerim—under Modhaus. Chuu chose to pursue her solo endeavors under ATRP.

One of K-Pop's best 4th Gen vocalists, Kim Minjeong (Rank 4) of SM Entertainment, is rumored to make her debut in a girl group later in the year. While we can say not much at the moment, SM Entertainment has got everyone excited for their upcoming debut.

Jack of all trades, Shin Jiyoon (Rank 6) of Play M Entertainment, debuted back in 2020 with the group Weeekly. The group's upbeat and catchy music is produced by Shin herself. As Weeekly brings back cute concepts to the K-Pop scene, many people expect that “girl crush” will not be the norm.

Formerly under JYP Entertainment, well-known producer Y/N (Rank 7) is not signed with any company. As they work on their own terms and team, they have been releasing music on different platforms with full artistic freedom. Despite having no company, countless entertainment companies continuously contact them. They have worked with IU, Red Velvet, BIBI, Jamie Park, Pentagon, and more.

Lovable and powerful rapper Choi Yena (Rank 8) of Yuehua Entertainment recently made her debut with “SMILEY (Feat. BIBI)” whose catchy tune has trended all over Twitter. Many fans have commented that the concept is fitting for her debut. As she continues with her promotions, many fans wait to see her thrive in her solo career.

Along with that, opera-trained singer Huh Yunjin (Rank 10) of HYBE Entertainment is rumored to debut in the upcoming girl group with Produce 101 participants Kim Chaewon and Miyawaki Sakura. However, Huh has been actively posting original music and covers on different streaming platforms. As she continues to keep fans impressed with her talents, many people anticipate the debut of HYBE’s newest girl group.

Memorable vocalist Song Yuqi (Rank 11) of Cube Entertainment is part of (G)I-DLE who continues to release comebacks that showcase the uniqueness of the members. With tracks that will have you dancing and singing along, (G)I-DLE continues to showcase a different side to 4th Gen girl groups.

There have only been speculations and rumors surrounding a reunion concert for 1CON. All that can be said for now is that the members are in close contact with each other and working hard to continue dominating the K-Pop industry in their own ways.

“Y/N, you’ve got emails from H1ghr Music, AOMG, and THE L1VE. What would you like me to do with the other emails you’ve received from other companies?” Park Soeun, your manager, asks as she barges into your home office with her eyes trained on her iPad.

As she looks up, she takes in the sight; messy papers laid out on the table; knickknacks and souvenirs from 1CON members scattered all over the floor; you in your most devilish state whose hair is all over the place with clothes from yesterday. 

“God, Y/N. What in the world happened here?” Soeun asks as she picks up all the gifts from your ex-peers.

“It’s been so long since the girls and I got together, so we got kinda crazy last night.”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t explain the mess in your office. Jesus… Y/N, I never knew your office could get even messier and more… disorganized,” She continues as she settles on placing all the gifts from 1CON on an empty shelf. “I didn’t even know you would end up going to that reunion.”

You sigh as you continue to click away on your computer, ignoring her last comment.

“Drunk me decided they wanted to work despite being intoxicated,” You mention as you continue to loop a specific segment in the instrumental you’ve been working on all night.

“You haven’t slept?!” She exclaims, attempting to gather and pile up the papers scattered all over your desk. When you let out a hum, she sighs as you continue to immerse yourself in your work.

“Y/N, I think we need to talk.”

“About?”

“This.” As you finally look away from your monitor, you see Soeun with her arms crossed as she hugs her iPad.

“Oh god, don’t tell me what I think it is.”

“I’m serious. We need to talk about what’s going to happen to us,” Soeun demands as she finally takes a seat in front of you. Before you could protest, she continued.

“Y/N, you’ve been doing this for a year, and I’ve stuck with you the whole time. From pre-debut, disbandment, and even until deciding to leave JYP, I stayed with you because I wanted to support you.”

Ultimately, you knew it was hard for Soeun to leave her job at JYP Entertainment to support you. Giving up her stable job to follow you has become one of your biggest burdens to carry to this day.

As she sees the frown on your face, she continues. “I didn’t leave because of an impulse decision. In fact, I left because I knew that working at JYP isn’t what I want at the end of everything. Y/N, I don’t know if you know this but you don’t give yourself enough credit for all the things you’ve gone through and accomplished.”

“I think that’s an overstatement. I don’t think I’ve–”

“You have accomplished a lot of things. You debuted with 1CON, made the difficult decision of leaving a well-known company to pursue your dreams with full creative freedom, and produced music for artists that continue to dominate the charts.”

Silence settles between you two as you try to take in her words. You love the compliments and praise you receive, but sometimes you feel it is never enough. This leads you to overexert yourself; the need to constantly achieve as if it is your only purpose in life.

“You need to give yourself more credit, which also means recognizing that you deserve more.” You knew where this conversation was going, and you didn’t want to hear her continue.

“Soeun, please don’t–”

“I’m sorry Y/N, but you need to at least hear me out. I really think you need to sign with a company.”

With that, you close your eyes as you take in her words. It hurts enough to see people on the Internet constantly discuss the success you could have gained if you were signed with a company, but it pains you physically to hear the same words from someone who knew you inside and out.

“I know your experiences with JYP and Stone Music Entertainment are some that you wish to forget, and I will never forget nor can I ever excuse the amount of mistreatment you faced under those two. However, I do think you can find yourself signed with another company, possibly a better one that knows how to treat you right,” Soeun says.

You finally open your eyes and nod, giving her the signal that she could continue. “It’s hard for both you and me to keep up with the demand. Although we have Taeyeon to help with styling and Sungyoon for photos and music videos, we only have such little manpower to keep up. You could be earning more, maybe relaxing more if you get signed with a company.”

With that, you let out a sigh. “Where is this coming from? Is it because of the number of emails I’ve left unanswered?”

Soeun shakes her head and says, “It’s not really that. Of course, I’ve had to deal with this when I still worked in JYP, but it isn’t the main reason I’m having this talk with you.”

“I’m going to be putting in my two-week notice.” You knew this day would come; she is resigning.

“I applied for jobs at different companies and I got an email back.”

“Congrats Soeun, you deserve it,” You say with a half-hearted smile.

You mean it, but it hurt to know that Soeun would not be with you as you continue your journey. She became a permanent presence in your life, and you could never imagine life without her in it.

Before you could allow yourself to be vulnerable, you decided to ask, “So, which company? I’m excited to hear who’s lucky to have Kim Soeun.” She lets out a laugh.

“I got signed with Cre.ker Entertainment. They had an opening for another managerial position,” She says as you nod.

“That’s the company of The Boyz, right?” She lets out an ‘mhm’ as you continue to nod once again.

“Y/N, you do have an email from that company, if you haven’t realized,” Soeun points out.

As you decide to finally open your email, several unread and unanswered emails greet you. Typing the word “Cre.ker,” you find the email Soeun mentioned. Two weeks ago, you received an email from them to which you have not gotten around to replying or reading.

— — —

FROM: Cre.ker Entertainment <cre.ker.ent.@gmail.com>

TO: Y/N <y/n@gmail.com>

SUBJECT: THE BOYZ’s SUB-UNIT “NEWSUN” TRACK

Good day, Y/N!

Cre.ker Entertainment is reaching out to you in hopes you will accept our request to produce a track for The Boyz’s upcoming album.

The sub-unit “NEWSUN” (which comprises New and Sunwoo) has requested that you produce their track on the upcoming album. If you wish to accept the offer, please let us know no later than two weeks.

We look forward to hearing from you and working with you.

— — —

“Huh, this is funny. I only have until today to reply,” You mention which Soeun chuckles at.

“I mentioned that you got an email from them about a week ago. You said you would get back to them, but clearly, you haven’t.”

“Yeah well, I shouldn’t be trusted with emails,” You reply to which she rolls her eyes. “Figures.”

“Anyway, going back to what we were discussing. You deserve more—a lot more, actually.” She grabs your hand. “I am not saying that I invalidate your experiences nor can I say that this type of mistreatment is not a general thing found with K-Pop companies, but I believe you can sign with a company that will understand what you want.” You think over what she says but never give a reply.

“I just want you to know that I appreciate working and supporting you for… god knows how long. I’ll be sending my formal resignation to your email. Please read it,” She begs which has you laughing.

“Yeah yeah, I will.” She smiles and stands up from her seat.

“Y/N, think over what I said.” She sucks in a breath. “You deserve more, and I want you to be secured in your career as you continue your journey in the industry. I’m not saying you should audition for Cre.ker Entertainment, but I’m saying to look into companies you’re interested to be under. I’ll just be in the room beside you.”

As she leaves your office, you are left with your thoughts and nothing more. In these moments, you miss being with 1CON the most.

It is 4:07 AM, and you are still seated in your home office. In fact, it’s your only office as you cannot afford to rent a separate place for work. You have finally finished the track for Jung Wheein’s album and sent it over to THE L1VE through email. 

As you think back to Soeun’s words, you decide to open up the email from Cre.ker Entertainment. Reading it once more, you decide to search for The Boyz on YouTube. You know of them and some of their tracks, but you decided that was not enough.

Searching up the words “NEW & SUNWOO” on YouTube, you find a video of theirs that covers “Nerdy Love,” a song you adore from an artist you highly respect. You decide to click the video and watch what the two boys had to offer.

Despite thinking you did not know enough, you knew who was who thanks to Jiwoo, your ex-peer. She is friends with New (or Chanhee) as they would be special MCs for music shows. After all the time they spent joking around behind the scenes, Jiwoo adores him and thinks of him as one of her closest friends now.

You remember how she described him to you two days ago. “Chanhee is the nicest guy I’ve ever met, and I trust him with almost everything. I hope you get to meet him one day! He’s a huge fan of your work,” She told you at the 1CON reunion two days ago.

However, you have no idea who Sunwoo is. All you know is that Heejin is sort of friends with him but they do not spend a lot of time with each other due to schedule conflicts. The most they ever interact with each other is whenever they play video games with other people their age. If you could recall, all Heejin had to say was that he was nice, and that is as much as you can remember.

Yet, you could not deny that you found him pleasing to look at. Maybe it is his hair, smile, or even the aura he gives off, but your eyes found themselves focusing on him. In the way he performs, you can see how much he enjoys performing.

Throughout your time in the industry, you have seen many artists work in their craft. Many idols share the unfortunate fate of working with peers they despise while others are not given the liberty to work on the tracks they put out. However, only some can say they enjoy what they do—only some can confidently say they love what they do. Sunwoo and Chanhee look like they fit in the latter.

Seeing the two boys vibe and perform one of your favorite songs was such a delight. In fact, you ended up looping the video as you continued to enjoy their cover. You also did not want to admit to having it just play in the background as you continued to finally go through your emails. Knowing Soeun, she would be happy to hear that you finally replied to the many companies reaching out to you.

Despite knowing what to say to which company, there is one company you did not know how to respond to. As you see the same email you read a while ago from Cre.ker Entertainment, you let out a sigh. The more you thought about it, the more you realized it could possibly help out Soeun get used to Cre.ker Entertainment.

As someone who does not want to let her go, you should have denied the company stealing her away from you. If anything, you felt as if you needed to resent Cre.ker Entertainment. Yet, you knew that Soeun resigning did not mean she would be gone forever. After everything, she is your best friend who stuck with you through thick and thin. You only want what is best for her—that is what makes her happy.

With that, you knew your answer.

“God if I knew Play M Entertainment and Cre.ker Entertainment were going to merge to form IST, I would have said no,” You say as you look up at the building in front of you.

“Sorry Y/N, I thought you knew! I think you should at least hear them out and if you can’t do it, you can just–”

“No, it’s fine. I can do this. I mean, it’s not like I will see her, you know?” You say as you take a deep breath.

With that, you enter the building with Soeun. As she walks to the front desk to talk to the woman about your appointment, you decide to take in your surroundings. The building is just like any other company; it reminds you of your trainee days. Despite being inside different company buildings to produce for artists, you can never stop being reminded of what happened to you then.

Before you could think about it anymore, Soeun loops her arm with yours. “C’mon, let’s go,” She says with a smile.

She always knew how to take care of you. With that, you two walk together to the elevator and try to make your way to the meeting room.

“I know you’re nervous about bumping into–”

“Please don’t say her name! What if someone catches on?” You exclaim which she nods at.

“Yeah, you’re right. Please don’t think about it too much because I don’t want you to be stressed about that and this meeting.”

“I’ll try. God, why did they have to merge?” You practically ask the universe as you and Soeun stand right in front of a door.

“No time to complain, you’ve got this. I hope you know I’m proud of you for still pushing through with this.”

“Soeun, you only told me that they merged when we were in the car. I almost grabbed that steering wheel.”

“Either way, just hear them out. I heard from my friends that Chanhee and Sunwoo are big fans of your work.”

With that, you sigh. “Fine. Just know I took this job because I wanted to see where you work.”

“I also know you did it because you wanted me to adjust already. I hope you know that I love you,” She says with a smile.

She then opens the door to see The Boyz’s manager, Sunwoo, and Chanhee seated. The three stand up from their seats to greet and bow at the two of you.

“Hello, it’s nice to meet you all! I’m Soeun, Y/N’s manager, and I’ll be here to assist,” Soeun says as you two enter, bowing at the three. Once you and Soeun take a seat, you notice that you are seated right in front of Sunwoo.

Seeing him in the video was hard but seeing him right in front of you was even harder. As soon as he flashed a smile, you immediately looked away and hoped you were not red. If Soeun found out you were reacting this way about someone, she would never let you live it down (which is why you hope she would never notice).

“Hello, I’m Jihoon. Before anything, I think I should let them introduce themselves. They’ve been waiting for this moment to finally meet you,” Their manager says, which has both Chanhee and Sunwoo flustered.

“Ah, you didn’t have to mention that! But hello, I’m Chanhee! It’s nice to finally meet you. Jiwoo mentioned that she talked to you about me,” Chanhee greets you with a bow to which you smile.

“And I’m Sunwoo. Both Chanhee and I really enjoy your work, and we look forward to working with you,” Sunwoo follows right after with a bow.

“Ah, thank you so much. I look forward to working with you as well,” You manage to say without your voice cracking. You were flustered, and you were pretty sure it was showing with how red your cheeks were. God, you knew Soeun was going to make fun of you later.

“Alright, I guess we can start.”

The meeting was a success. Soeun handled most of it but you managed to chime in every now and then and understand what they needed from you.

“What was it with you a while ago?” Soeun asked when you two finally reached your place.

“What do you mean?”

“Y/N, I know how you act when you find someone attractive. Is it Sunwoo? I won’t judge you.” You choose not to answer her as you go to the kitchen. “So it is!”

“I didn’t even answer!” You exclaim as you look through the fridge.

“I get it though, he is very attractive.”

“Soeun, you’re so annoying. Please stop,” You whine as you decide to grab some water.

“Well, good luck to you! You have to meet with them two days from now. You have only a week from your first meeting with him to submit the final track. Yes, final track, okay? Please remember that,” Soeun says as she notes it on her iPad.

“God, I don’t know why I agreed. That’s barely enough time to produce something satisfactory, let alone a good final track.” Soeun pats your shoulder as she continues to look down at her iPad.

“Don’t forget, you were the one who said yes when I tried to negotiate.” You let out a groan and take a seat.

“I mean if you said yes because you wanted to spend more time with Sunwoo–”

“Please stop. I don’t want to cross any boundaries of our strictly work relationship” You practically beg, to which she laughs.

“You’ve got this! Let me know if you need me to negotiate with Jihoon again. Just keep me updated on whatever ends up happening between you two,” She says with a smile as she walks away.

“Soeun, nothing is going to happen!” You exclaim which only makes her let out another laugh.

“You never know!”

It has been two days since that meeting, and you regret agreeing to the set deadline. It feels as if you have not gotten any wink of sleep in the last 48 hours as the stress and anxiety got to you. As you entered the building with a cup of coffee in your hand, you informed the woman at the front desk that you were expected to attend another meeting with Sunwoo and Chanhee.

“Please make yourself comfortable and wait here. I’ll just ring up their manager–”

“They’re with me!” You hear someone shout from behind you. As you turn to look, you see Sunwoo walking towards you and greeting you with a bow which you return.

“It’s nice to see you again,” He says, making you smile.

“I’ll bring them up, just inform hyung.” Sunwoo signals you to follow him as he makes his way to the elevator.

“So, how are you? I’m guessing you managed to think of something within the two days?” He asks as you two wait for the elevator to arrive.

You laugh as you shake your head. “I wish.”

“Did you get any sleep?” You shake your head in response which he laughs at.

“Well, if you pass out, I’ll be there to cover for you,” He says only for you to get shy.

“Oh god, you don’t–”

“I was just kidding Y/N, sorry if it wasn’t obvious.” The elevator doors finally open and you both get in.

“Oh, that’s my bad,” You say as you let out a nervous laugh.

“Hey, it’s no problem.”

The elevator doors finally close and you two go up. As silence engulfs you two, you somehow think it is your fault.

“I, uhm, tend to be very shy around new people. I’m not usually like this,” You say to break the silence.

He looks at you with a smile and nods. “No worries, Chanhee and Heejin said the same.”

You were surprised to find out that he’s talked about you to others. As you continued to look straightforward, you would only hope that Heejin or Jiwoo did not mention anything embarrassing to the two.

“I never got to ask, but how are you?” You decided to finally ask him.

“Oh, well it’s been alright?” He says in an unsure manner which has you raising an eyebrow at him.

“Well, the guys and I have been practicing the choreography for our comeback, and I’ve been kind of nervous about how Chanhee and I’s track is going to turn out. Not that I’m trying to say I don’t trust you, but I am nervous about how well I’m going to execute your vision,” He admits.

“If it helps, I think whatever you do will perfectly execute what I see.” You smile at him to which he smiles back.

“Oh, so you trust me that much? How much have you seen my performances to say that?” He asks as he faces you and leans against the wall, a smug look on his face. Something about how he keeps the conversation going makes you less shy than before.

“Well, I had to do my research,” You admit with a smirk.

“Oh, the famous Y/N has done their research on me? What do you know about me?” He asks to which you decide to face him as well. “That’s for me to know and you to find out.”

He chuckles as soon as the elevator doors open. “Well don’t think I didn’t research you,” He says and walks out with you following.

You two eventually arrive at one of the recording studios with no Chanhee to be found.

“Oh, where’s Chanhee?” You ask as you look around the recording studio.

“Oh, I forgot to mention that Chanhee wouldn’t be sitting in for a lot of the production process because he has a bunch of other schedules to attend to. I hope you don’t mind spending this time with me,” Sunwoo says with a smile as he takes a seat on the couch.

“Oh, I see,” You say as you stay rooted in place.

“If you’re uncomfor–”

“No no, it’s okay. As I said, I’m just shy,” You cut him off and muster the biggest and most awkward smile.

Before you could apologize for your behavior, Sunwoo lets out a giggle. “Y/N, I get it, but you don’t have to be awkward around me.”

His words of reassurance allow you to breathe just for a little. There is something about Sunwoo that makes you both nervous yet comfortable. You did not know how, but that only made you want to know more about him.

You decide to take a seat on the office chair in front of the mixing console and spin it to face Sunwoo. “Alright, I think we should go through what you and Chanhee want from the track. I know Jihoon discussed it in the meeting but I would like to hear it from you,” You say as you set down your cup of coffee on the coffee table.

“Well, Chanhee and I really want an R&B track for this album. Think of, I don’t know, “Nerdy Love” if you know that track,” Sunwoo explains which makes you smile.

“Yeah, I do know that. It’s one of my favorites.” And with that, Sunwoo smirks.

“I’m guessing you’ve listened to our cover if you did research on us.”

You choose to not answer and grab your notebook and pen as you try to suppress a smile. “Ah, not answering means ‘yes’, by the way.”

“No, it doesn’t!” You scoff.

“It’s just a simple question, Y/N. Why won’t you answer it?” The stupid smile on his face has your heart doing little flips.

“There would be no fun in just answering. You’ll find out soon enough,” You say as you open your notebook to a clean page only for him to chuckle.

“Can you expound a bit more on what the main message of the song is?” You inquire as you write down some points.

“It’s a love song.” That has you scrunching your nose which Sunwoo notices.

“Hey, what’s the problem with that?!” He exclaims which makes you laugh.

“There’s no problem.”

“That expression you made a while ago didn’t say that.”

 “Just don’t pay attention to my facial expressions! I won’t react, just continue,” You say as you look up from the notebook.

“It’s hard to not look at you,” He says as he tilts his head to the side with that stupid smile you have grown to both love and hate within that small period of time. You were flustered, and you did not know how to respond.

“Yeah, it’s a love song with a twist,” Sunwoo says as he tries to get back on topic (to which you are thankful for). “Picture this, Y/N.”

“I’m listening.”

“No no, close your eyes.” He urges you to do so in which you furrow your eyebrows. “What the fuck, I am not doing that.”

“Oh come on! It’ll immerse you in what Chanhee and I envisioned.”

“Sunwoo, I think you can explain it and I’ll follow through with what you’re saying.”

Sunwoo pouts at your answer as he crosses his arms. “I wouldn’t want to inform Heejin but…”

“Is that a threat?” You gasp when he simply looks around the room.

With that, you sigh and close your eyes. “Go on, I won’t keep my eyes closed forever,” You say and you hear him clap.

“Alright! Imagine this; you’ve known someone for a while, okay? And let’s say this person is someone you’ve been flirting with. You know, the push and pull, playful flirting, all the things you would do for something that started off as casual. Are you imagining it?”

“Yes Sunwoo, I am,” You sigh, which he laughs at.

“Okay. With time, you start to realize that you might actually like this person.”

“Woah, shocker.”

“C’mon Y/N, let me finish!” You laugh and decide to shut up. “Go on.”

“So, you’re on the brink of falling for them but you don’t want to admit anything. But plot twist: they seem to also be falling for you! And there comes a night where the two of you are chilling, but you two don’t want to drink for the reason that you two might confess under the influence.” As you listened to him, you got to envision what he was saying.

“You know, being with someone you like surrounded by alcohol is a dangerous combination,” You say as you finally open your eyes.

“Exactly! It’s the risk that makes it all scary because you don’t want to come off as ingenuine,” He continues to explain which has you nodding along and taking notes.

“Hm, I get it now. I dig it.” That has Sunwoo standing up from the couch with his arms spread out.

“I told you so! Chanhee and I know what are good love songs, not saying I hate love songs but clearly someone in this room does,” He says as he continues to look around, avoiding your gaze.

“I don’t hate love songs! I never said that, so stop putting words into my mouth,” You try to defend yourself as you roll your eyes. Sunwoo takes a seat again as he furrows his eyebrows at you.

“Y/N, I researched you too. There’s no need to lie.”

You let out a sigh. “Fine, I do.”

“And why so?” Sunwoo decides to ask which has you grabbing your cup of coffee to take a sip.

“Ask me later after we make some progress and I’ll answer,” You say which has Sunwoo rolling his eyes, a little smile playing on his lips.

It’s been three hours since you and Sunwoo decided to work, and there has been little to no success.

“God, why did I agree to that deadline?” You mutter to yourself as you shut your eyes with your hands over them in frustration. Sunwoo heard you as he was writing and crossing out lyrics for the track.

“Hey Y/N, why don’t we grab some lunch first?” You open your eyes and look behind you to see Sunwoo up from his seat.

“We haven’t made any progress.”

“Yeah, but you of all people should know that creativity and productivity don’t come with an empty stomach,” He tries to reason out as he walks to you and sets his hands on your chair.

As you look back at the computer in front of you, you see nothing on GarageBand. During times like these, you knew you had to get out of the studio. Whenever you hit a wall, the only solution was to find inspiration outside.

“Alright, let’s get some lunch,” You give in as you close the program and get up from your seat. “Where to?”

“I know a place for us to eat.”

Once the two of you exit the building, you follow Sunwoo as he leads you to where you two will be eating.

“So, why hate love songs?” He decides to ask which has you chuckling.

“I thought we agreed on asking once we’ve made progress, and clearly we haven’t.”

“Oh come on, we need to talk and get to know each other so that we can eventually get over the hurdle,” Sunwoo says which has you sighing.

“Fine. It’s just, I don’t know, cliché? It gets so repetitive that it gets so boring and typical.”

“Ah, you’re one of those people.” That has you letting out a gasp and looking right at him.

“What do you mean by that?!”

He only giggles as he continues to look straight forward. “C’mon Y/N, don’t look at me and look at where you’re going. You might trip.”

“As if–” Before you could finish, you trip and almost fall. It seemed like the universe was out to get you because Sunwoo was right. You were about to brace yourself for the impact, but a pair of arms grabbed your waist before you could fall.

“Oh my god, Y/N! I told you so!” Sunwoo exclaims as he lets go of you.

You wish you could say something but you were too embarrassed about Sunwoo wrapping his arms around you to save you from falling. As the two of you stood there, facing each other, you were about to apologize.

“Uh, sorry, I–”

“Just be careful next time, okay?” Sunwoo says as he rubs your head, messing up your hair. Before you could say anything, he grabs your hand and starts to walk with you following.

Usually, you would get mad if someone messed up your hair but there was something about Sunwoo that made you crave his touch. You hated how you were reacting this way over this guy. As the two of you held hands while you walked to the restaurant, you swear your heart almost burst out of your chest.

The two of you quickly arrived at the restaurant that Sunwoo wanted to bring you to; it was a small Japanese restaurant. As the two of you entered, the bells by the door seemed to chime which grabbed the servers’ attention. “Irasshaimase!”

A lady dressed in a red kimono walked to the two of you with a big smile. “Ah, Sunwoo! How are you?”

“I’m okay! I’ve been working really hard for our upcoming comeback,” Sunwoo replies with a grin that seems to warm both the lady’s and your hearts.

“Oh, you come with a guest! Hello! You are–oh my god, you’re a member of 1CON, right?” The lady asks you, showing the same smile she gave to Sunwoo.

“Ah yes, I’m Y/N. It’s nice to meet you,” You say as you bow.

“Just a table for two, please.” With that, the lady nods and brings you two to a table located in a small room for privacy. As the two of you get seated, the lady hands you two menus to browse.

“By the way, I’m Hikaru, your server for today. Y/N, Sunwoo frequents here with the other members, so you can always ask him for recommendations,” She tells you which makes you smile. “I will.”

“Sunwoo, I didn’t know you were going out with an ex-member of 1CON! They’re one of Korea’s sweethearts,” Hikaru says, which has you freezing from reading the items on the menu. You knew your cheeks were red, so it surprised you when you decided to look up and see Sunwoo’s cheeks painted red as well.

“Ah, it’s not like that. We’re just colleagues,” He tries to explain which Hikaru understands.

“Oh, I see! I didn’t know. You two would make a good pair though,” She says as she leaves the room which has you both frozen in your seats.

Sunwoo lets out an awkward chuckle and decides to avoid your gaze. “So, what do you like to eat? This place is known for their sushi but they do have really good katsudon.”

“Yeah, sushi works for me.” Once Sunwoo ordered a bunch of sushi platters, the two of you were left in awkward silence.

“So, what do you mean I am one of those people?” You decide to ask to lighten up the mood which was successful as he seemed to laugh.

“I’m just saying, you are part of the people who hate on love songs to be “unique” for some odd reason,” He explains while doing air quotations.

“I don’t hate them just to be unique. I am not that shallow!”

“Alright, so why then?” You sigh as you look at your glass of water.

“I just think they set an unrealistic standard for what love really is.” Sunwoo tilts his head in confusion and asks, “Care to expound?”

“I’m not dramatic or anything, by the way. I think love just isn’t what lyricists make it out to be,” You say as you finally look straight at him.

“Okay, so what are your experiences with it then?”

“Woah Sunwoo, jumping right into it? Give me some time.” You chuckle.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to–”

“I was just kidding, Sunwoo. You’re good.” Sunwoo only smiles and drinks some water.

“What about you? Why do you seem to love love songs?”

“I don’t know what else to say other than I’m a hopeless romantic,” He admits with a small smile.

“Good experiences with love then I’m guessing?”

“Sure, but I just continue to love as if it’s my first time doing so.”

With that, Sunwoo has you smiling. Something about his answer makes your heart throb; you knew it would be a privilege to be loved by him. “Wow, you really are a hopeless romantic.”

Sunwoo rolls his eyes at your comment. “Alright, sue me! There’s nothing wrong with being one.”

You hum as you prop your arm on the table and rest your chin on your hand. “Yeah, it just adds more to my research.”

“Sunwoo, you sure know the best places to eat,” You admit as you try to keep yourself awake from entering a food coma.

Sunwoo smiles both at what you say and how your eyes slightly droop. “Thank you. My friend, Haknyeon, suggested this place back when we were in our trainee days. Now, we eat here so much that everyone seems to know the usual.”

You giggle and let out a small sigh as you look down at the table. “It must be nice to hang out with your friends almost every single second of the day.”

Sunwoo notices the small frown that is about to appear on your face. Before he could say anything, you shake your head as you chuckle and say, “Anyway, shall we head out?”

All Sunwoo did was nod and stand up with you as you exited the small function room. You took this opportunity to look around the restaurant and notice a bar with a small stage beside it. On that stage, people were playing different instruments as they performed a jazzy tune you were unfamiliar with.

Before Sunwoo could leave the restaurant, he noticed you staring in awe at the performers. There was something with how you admired a trio of musicians; the glint in your eyes as you observed how they pluck the strings of their instruments or played the keys of the piano; the slight bobbing of your head as you tried to go along with the tempo they played. The absolute adoration that seemed to show on your face made Sunwoo want—no, need to have you around to experience more moments like these.

Suddenly, your face of admiration morphed into realization. As you meet Sunwoo’s gaze, you say, “I figured it out.”

It is 8:37 PM. You and Sunwoo have spent the last four or five hours working on your own to create the best track suited for their unit song. In those hours, you managed to create the base track on GarageBand and think of a melody in your head. Yet, within those hours, you never noticed how much Sunwoo spent his time looking at you.

“I think I have it,” You finally say as you remove your headphones and look back to see Sunwoo who was on his fifth page full of messy words and scribbles. “Sure, you can play it out loud.”

You change the output settings to speakers and play the track for the two of you to listen. The sound of the electric guitar, the bass, and the drums came all together. You carefully watched Sunwoo as you await his response to the 45-second recording you produced.

As the track finally came to an end, you could not tell what Sunwoo thought of it. “I know it’s not a lot, but that was something I imagined for the track to turn out,” You admit as you continued to stare at him.

“Could you play it again?” You listened to his request and followed. One loop of the short recording turned into three more loops, and you were scared. No matter how many artists you have produced tracks for, you always find yourself anxious about everyone’s feedback.

Sunwoo bopped his head along with the track as he went through the lyrics he wrote. As it reached the end, he looked up to give you a big smile. “It sounds amazing. You never fail to amaze me.” 

Despite only getting to know him today, something about those words seemed to warm your heart. With that, you smile as you get off your seat and say, “I kind of thought of the melody too. Care to give me a hand with recording it?”

Sunwoo nodded with the same smile plastered on his face as he got off his seat. Once you entered the recording booth, you saw him seated right in front of the mixing console and desktop. You wear the headphones and test the microphone.

“Am I at a good volume?” You speak into the microphone and earn a nod from him.

“You can play the track, just make sure I’m being recorded.” With that, Sunwoo gives you a thumbs-up and presses a few buttons.

Once you heard the track play out in your headphones, you decided to hum a short tune. Sometimes, you even sang a few lines that came to you on the spot. Some of the things you said did not make sense but Sunwoo seemed to enjoy every single line you sang.

When the track ended abruptly, you look at Sunwoo only to see those doe eyes full of adoration.

“Y/N, please tell me you slept because–oh? You actually slept,” Soeun says in shock as she enters your bedroom and sees you still in bed.

“Soeun, what time is it?” You ask groggily as you rub your eyes.

“11 AM. I am quite surprised you slept.”

“Yeah well, Sunwoo and I squeezed out too much creative juices yesterday and basically ran dry,” You explained as you sat up and stretched your limbs.

“Mhm, how was it? Any progress?” You roll your eyes and get out of bed to walk to your closet

“Soeun, I know I fall quick and hard for almost any person but I am not going to indulge in this one.”

“We’ll see about that,” Soeun mutters loud enough for you to hear.

Before you could interject, she says, “Jihoon told me that Chanhee wouldn’t be participating in the production process due to the schedules he has to attend. Although Jihoon did say Chanhee was incredibly upset.” You nod and hum as you decide what to wear for the day.

“Which means more time with Sunwoo!”

“Soeun!”

“So, Y/N.”

“Yes?”

“Mind if I could ask you something personal?”

“Depends how you define ‘personal’.”

“How was it in 1CON? How was it to be the nation’s sweetheart?” The way Sunwoo phrased it had you laughing.

“God, I am not the nation’s sweetheart,” You deny as you decide to take a short break and look back at him.

“That’s not what the publications say! Almost every news outlet calls 1CON that.”

“I was ranked seventh, and it was a miracle! I even questioned how I managed to make it to the final lineup,” You argue as you take a sip of matcha that Sunwoo had surprised you with when you entered the building. You did not know how he knew but you could only guess that he researched on you even more.

Sunwoo frowns at your reply and says, “You went against a hundred contestants, you shouldn’t downplay your efforts.”

You only sigh and decide to cut the argument short. “Well, 1CON was just like any group; there’s not much to say.”

“Wasn’t the training difficult?”

You chose to keep your answer short and say, “It was, but my time with 1CON is something I still cherish to this day. I made some friends that I still talk to and hang out with until this day.”

“You’re close friends with Jiwoo and Heejin, right?” You nod as you look up to the ceiling, remembering the fun you had with 1CON. Despite everything you have been through, you would sometimes justify the mistreatment you faced with your debut with 1CON.

“I’m close with Yuri also, but I’m casual with everyone,” You tell a white lie to Sunwoo, knowing he would never find out.

“You came from JYP, right?”

“Wow, Sunwoo, you really have been doing research on me. You know you could always just ask! You can’t trust all the things you see on the Internet!”

Sunwoo giggles at your response, his smile showing up once more. “I’m just curious since Ryujin and Chaeryeong are from the same company as you.”

“Brilliant observation from Mr. Kim Sunwoo.” You point out which has Sunwoo laughing once more.

“I’m serious! Wouldn’t you have debuted with them?”

You sigh as you take another sip of matcha. “I would’ve but I am here producing tracks for others.”

Silence engulfs you two as both of you continue to bask in your answer. “Don’t get me wrong, I do love producing. Sometimes, I look at the artists who perform the tracks I produce and think, “Wow, I could never do that.””

Sunwoo was about to interject but you continued to speak. “But I can’t deny that I miss being on stage. The stadiums, the fansigns, the fans… and performing with friends. 1CON has changed my life, and sometimes I wish I could go back to when we were still together.”

It has been a while since you have gotten to vocalize your thoughts, and it felt nice to let this out to Sunwoo. Soeun knew all of your struggles and inner thoughts, but you always felt bad for repeating the same words and thoughts. Now that you got to vocalize this to Sunwoo, you felt at ease around him.

“I wish you would realize that you are talented to perform the tracks you produced,” Sunwoo speaks up which has you ripping your gaze from the ceiling to look right at him.

“Y/N, I do think you are capable enough—no, even more than capable to perform the tracks you have produced. I’ve listened to your own tracks, the ones you published yourself, and I believe they are the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard.” Your eyes are in awe over his words. “You are a very talented person, Y/N, and you might have to be my favorite producer and artist out there.”

What Sunwoo says has you starstruck. The way he thought and viewed you should have put this huge amount of pressure on you, but you were pleasantly surprised when you were met with a breath of fresh air.

“Wow, you are very passionate about this,” You finally speak up, trying to shrug off the fact that he complimented you.

Sunwoo frowns at your response and says, “Y/N, you really should give yourself more credit.”

With that, you sigh and give in for once. “Thank you, Sunwoo.”

It was weird to think how someone thought all of that about you. Having someone think of you as their favorite artist and producer? In an industry full of capable and even more talented individuals compared to little you? It felt even weirder to know that someone had to be Sunwoo.

“So, what about you? What’s it like to be in The Boyz?”

It is 2:32 AM, and you and Sunwoo are seated inside the convenience store having some late-night snacks. You could officially say you were done with 75% done with the track. You needed to work on the bridge and outro for you to finally do the final arrangements and call it finished. Sunwoo was going at a pretty good pace; he finished writing the lyrics for almost all of Chanhee’s parts and had to do some final edits on his rap.

“Hmm, I don’t know. I guess you could say it was just like any trainee experience: difficult.” You hum as you take a sip of banana milk and stare out the window.

“There were the unhealthy diets, the long hours of practice, and the scolding. God, the scolding from the company was too much that I contemplated leaving.”

“But you didn’t leave.”

Sunwoo sighs and says, “Yeah, I didn’t. Yet, there were numerous times when I wondered if all the shit I was going through would be worth it, you know? Is all the pain and suffering I’m going through right now that worth it for a debut with a group I wasn’t sure would be a success?”

You understood every word that Sunwoo was saying at that moment. The way he phrased his thoughts was exactly your thoughts back then. Despite you sharing the same sentiments with Sunwoo, you chose to not speak of the past you kept hidden.

“I see. But you’re happy now, right? Happy with The Boyz?” You decide to ask as you finally look at him.

“I couldn’t imagine my life without them. My beginning was with them and they will be my ending as well,” Sunwoo admits with a small smile on his face as he looks back at you.

During that moment, you lay your hand on his shoulder and say, “Sunwoo, I am happy that despite everything, you persevered through it all. I am so glad that you made your debut with a group that loves and cares for you. They are so lucky to have someone like you.”

Sunwoo’s eyes widen at your words, clearly not expecting to hear that. Before you could take your hand off his shoulder, he grabs it and holds your hand in his.

“Yeah… I’m so glad to have met you.” He looks out the window. “You know, you really are the nation’s sweetheart in every aspect I’ve gotten to know. The world is so lucky to have you.”

His hushed words have you flustered; it seems harder to not like him when he continues to say shit like that. As his smile followed after those words, you knew you were screwed when you felt your heart beat out of your chest. So when he said the words “C’mon, I’ll take the bus with you going home. It’s too late for you to go home all by yourself,” you knew that it was impossible to not like a guy like Sunwoo.

“He OFFERED?!”

“Soeun! Quiet down!” You exclaim as you pat your face dry with a towel.

“Sorry, I was just surprised. Sunwoo is an actual decent guy,” Soeun says as she leans on your doorframe.

“Well, he is a really good guy. He has a heart of gold.”

As you say those words while you do your morning skincare routine, you notice Soeun’s expression through the mirror morph into that all-knowing smile you have learned to hate.

“God, I can say that and not pursue him. Let me be,” You say as you roll your eyes.

“I’m just saying that with all the stories you’ve told me, it seems that he likes you too.”

You laugh at her statement and continue on with your skincare routine.

“If you’re worried about dating bans, you don’t have one. Neither does Sunwoo, I’ve asked Jihoon.” 

“SOEUN!” 

“What?! I just thought to bring it up in case you didn’t know,” Soeun says with a small smile as she scrolls through some documents on her iPad.

You sigh as you continue with your skincare routine, a mind full of last night's events. Nothing much happened if you were to be honest. You are not sure why Soeun was making it a big deal because it seemed like a basic act of decency that anyone could perform. And yet, you were unsure why your heart would flutter when you remembered it.

“I don’t know, it’s just… weird for me. I mean, I did meet him recently.”

“Yeah, but you’ve spent a good chunk of time with Sunwoo. I never held it against you when you developed this crush on him, and I think it’s healthy! I mean, we’ve spent so many years together, and I like seeing you happy.”

Soeun’s words should have brought comfort to you, but doubt took over. You bite the inside of your cheek as you stare at yourself in the mirror.

“Yeah, but work comes first.”

“But–”

“Nope, I don’t want to hear anything from you,” You silence Soeun, making her frown. The work you did was more important than anything, even more than a stupid little crush you developed for a colleague. I mean, it would remain a crush, right?

Once you finished getting ready for the morning, your phone buzzed. As you grabbed onto it, you were surprised to see a text from Sunwoo.

zzoguri 🦝: hey Y/N! i was wondering if you were up to join me for this little party

y/n: sunwoo what happened to only meeting up for work? WHAHASGDH

zzoguri 🦝: okay but we need to have some breaks you know! we deserve it after all the progress we’ve made

y/n: do you not remember that we have a deadline to meet which is only 3 days from now

y/n: plus the times we aren’t together are breaks!

zzoguri 🦝: oh cmon y/n :( if you don’t want to hang that’s fine.

You furrow your eyes as you were unsure to respond.

“Why the frown?” Soeun asks, which makes you sigh and show your conversation to her. As she reads the chat, you notice how her expression morphs into disappointment.

“Y/N, you are on a different level of being dense.”

“What?! Why?”

“He’s asking you on a date!” She says which makes you frown even more.

“Asking me out to a party is not a date. What are you on?”

“Well, maybe not on a date date, but he’s finding opportunities to spend more time with you outside of the typical meetings or work hours.” She says as she shakes her head and goes back to her iPad.

You pout as you look back at your conversation. If Sunwoo thought this was a date (which you highly doubt), he needs to step up in his game.

“I’m not saying you should take his offer, but he just wants to spend more time with you, as a friend or maybe even more,” Soeun points out, which has you pondering even harder on how to respond. Once you reached a decision, you let out a sigh and type away

y/n: kim sunwoo, i enjoy spending time with you if you’re worried about that

y/n: send me the details and i’ll make sure to attend

zzoguri 🦝: wow THE y/n enjoys spending time with me. i am honored.

y/n: don’t get ahead of yourself

zzoguri 🦝: trust me, i’m only acting like this because i’m lucky to have you 😋

It sucks that you felt yourself smile and your cheeks warm at the message.

Sunwoo did not tell you much about the party, so you wore a smart casual outfit as a safety option. When you asked about the address, he only answered with an “I’ll be picking you up.” You were seated by the kitchen island as you continued to scroll through Twitter.

The praise your recent work got for Wheein’s album was a sight you loved, and you hoped for more collaborations with the soloist. On the charts, your work was doing well alongside the title track. After all the countless nights spent working on tracks, you always find yourself at ease after seeing how the public received them.

The doorbell rings, and you are reminded that you were waiting for Sunwoo. You stood up from your seat and swung the door open, surprised to be greeted by the man you were waiting for who was dressed up from his usual hoodie. As he saw you, not a single sound left him; he was stuck looking at you up and down.

“Uh, Sunwoo?” You ask to break the weird silence that seemed to engulf you two.

“Oh, sorry. I was just—you look wonderful.”

 You smile to cover up the fact you were blushing, and joke, “You don’t think I look good the other times we’ve met?”

“Ah, that’s not what I mean. You look great every day, but today… you just look, even more beautiful right now.”

You did not expect Sunwoo to say that which has you more flustered than ever. It was impossible that Sunwoo did not know what he was doing to you; he should definitely know now.

“C’mon, we’ve got a party to attend,” He says with a smile as he grabs your hand.

As he got into the car with you, you noticed that it was Jihoon in the driver’s seat. To be honest, you were not sure why you were nervous about this whole thing. Maybe it felt weird to hold hands with Jihoon around; it also did not help to know Sunwoo had no dating ban.

With that, your hands started to get clammy, and you were about to let go of his hand. Yet, he never seemed to be bothered by your sweaty hands. Despite what you thought of the Pacific Ocean forming in your hands, he continued to hold it with the same grip. As he looked out the window to admire the city lights, you were left to admire the boy beside you.

The ride to the party did not take long. In fact, the location of it felt quite near IST Entertainment. The party took place in a building right beside the Japanese restaurant you and Sunwoo started to frequent after that one lunch. You could not help it; the sushi is to die for.

When the two of you entered the building, it was full of function rooms that could hold around a hundred to two hundred individuals. You expected Sunwoo to let go of your hand the moment you two exited the car, but he never did.

Eventually, you two arrived in front of a door. Before he could open it, you hold him back. He looks back at you with wide eyes that were laced with worry.

“Hey, are you okay?” You bite your lip as you felt your limbs fill with anxiety.

“I… I don’t know. Who are the people in there? I’m not the greatest in social gatherings so I might end up clinging onto you. Is that okay? I mean–”

Before you could continue on a tangent, Sunwoo lets go of your hand and grabs onto your face to gain your attention (which he successfully did). The warmth of his hands on your cheeks; the eye contact he held; everything about him had the ability to make you shut up and admire him like he is the only person on this earth. And that god-forsaken smile started to creep onto his lips—you were screwed.

“It’ll be alright. Cling onto me for as long as you want, I’ll make sure to keep you company. Don’t forget, I did invite you which makes me obligated to take care of you.” Before you could protest, he cuts you off.

“Sorry, don’t think I’m keeping you company as a task. I enjoy spending time with you too, and I want to spend whatever second I have left with you,” He says, which has your knees weak.

If Sunwoo did not know the power of his words, you would have smacked him then and there. There is no way the guy right in front of you is saying all this without knowing the impact these words would have on anyone. Maybe he was just as dense as Soeun thinks you are, and you were betting on it.

He eventually lets go of your face and grabs onto your hand once more. With that, he looks back to the door and swings it open. The two of you were greeted by strobe lights and BIBI’s “The Weekend” as you entered the function room.

If you had to guess, the party seemed to have at least fifty individuals (possibly a mix of idols and staff) who looked like they were having the time of their lives. As you were taking in your surroundings, you noticed idols such as Kim Yerim of Red Velvet and Mark Lee of NCT chatting with other idols you recognized.

The party was full of big shots, and that terrified you. Your nerves were starting to get to you that Sunwoo could notice. With that, you found yourself being brought in front of him so that he could hold onto your shoulders as you two walked.

“If you want to leave already, just let me know, okay?” He whispers into your ear as you continue to walk to wherever he is leading you to.

If people did not notice you were here, people definitely noticed now considering how close you and Sunwoo were. Before you could tell Sunwoo that others were staring, you two eventually arrived at a table occupied by ten other guys you knew from research—you can only assume it is the rest of his group.

“Guess who finally showed up!” Juyeon pointed out which has the rest of the group looking at you two.

“I know, I know. I had to pick up Y/N from their place.” Sunwoo says as he high-fives some of them.

“Oh my god, Y/N, please do take a seat,” Changmin says as he grabs onto the chair beside him. You give him a small smile and take a seat with Sunwoo doing the same beside you.

“I think I should introduce you to–”

“Oh, you don’t have to! I know who everyone is,” You cut Sunwoo off which has the rest of the group in shock.

“The Y/N knows us?! Korea’s sweetheart?!” Eric exclaims which has you giggling.

“Of course! Why would I agree to produce a track for Chanhee and Sunwoo if I didn’t know your group? What you guys put out is amazing!” The group expresses their gratitude after your compliment.

“I mean, the same goes for you! I would be embarrassed to admit this, but you were my bias when 1CON was still together,” Changmin says which has you laughing.

“Oh please, I don’t take compliments well,” You say as you try to shrug it off.

“I mean, Sunwoo was probably worse! He would–”

“Aish, shut up Haknyeon! Y/N doesn’t have to know,” Sunwoo attempts to cut Haknyeon off before he could spill anything.

“What? Now I wanna know!”

“Ah, Y/N! Don’t listen to him!” Sunwoo exclaims which makes you laugh at him.

“Sunwoo, I think Haknyeon has something very important to share with me. You wouldn’t want to stop us from being friends, would you?” When he gives you a pout, all you could do is giggle and pat his knee.

As the others seemed invested in their own conversations, Haknyeon says, “Well, Sunwoo had you as his bias even before you debuted in 1CON.” You gasp as you look at the guy moping beside you and back to Haknyeon.

“It was funny because he so badly wanted to meet you before but your group and The Boyz never had their schedules line up when it came to promotions. I remember when Changmin said he had you as his bias; the reaction on Sunwoo’s face is so memorable.” With that, you smile at Sunwoo who was busy sulking.

“Sunwoo, why didn’t you tell me this?” You ask which has him looking back at you.

“I didn’t think it was relevant to mention,” He mutters.

“You were just shy about it!” You exclaim as you could not stop yourself from smiling at the shy boy in front of you.

“Ah, whatever! New topic, please! Where’s Soobin and Yeonjun?”

“Uh, they were just here. However, Y/N! I forgot to mention that–” Before Haknyeon could finish his sentence, you were interrupted by your phone buzzing in your bag. As you grab it, you see a text message from Soeun.

ssongie 🐧: hey, let me know when you get back home! i’ll seriously scold jihoon if sunwoo doesn’t bring you back home.

ssongie 🐧: and i know you hate huge social gatherings so don’t hesitate to call me

ssongie 🐧: actually just call me when you're there so that i know you’re safe please &lt;3

You giggle at Soeun’s messages and decide to get up from your seat.

“I just have to call Soeun,” You explain to Sunwoo and Haknyeon and excuse yourself from the table to go to the washroom. As you were busy typing out a response, you accidentally bump into someone.

“Oh my god, I’m so–”

“Y/N? I did not expect you to be here!” The voice belonged to someone you last wished to bump into, especially at a gathering full of idols. As you look up, you see the face of your ex-peer who constantly overshadowed you from pre-debut until disbandment.

Jiyoon—the one person you hoped to avoid encountering at any given moment, especially at IST Entertainment—just had to bump into you here. You were shocked by how the universe works. How could they make you meet her here, out of all the places too?

Before you could say anything, Jiyoon wrapped her arms around your figure. The sudden action did not help how surprised you were by the whole situation.

“Y/N, it’s been a while!” She exclaims once she lets go, clearly not noticing how you did not hug her back.

“I–we saw each other recently,” You say, which makes her laugh.

“Oh yeah! But I couldn’t stay for long, remember? I had to leave the moment you got there!” Jiyoon smiled at you which made you feel awkward.

The thing is Jiyoon never intentionally did anything bad to you. In fact, your old company was to blame for cultivating this competitive environment between you two. Yet, you were sure Jiyoon saw you as a competitor as well despite the façade she put on.

“Uh, yeah. What a bummer!” If she did not notice how awkward you feel about this encounter, she should definitely notice now.

You just wanted to get out of this horrible situation. The need to just crawl under your covers to isolate yourself from your memories and reality is so strong. It did not help that people were observing the interaction between you two. I mean, who would not want to see two of Korea’s sweethearts interact once more? Yet, you knew people were curious about what would go down between you two.

“How’s producing going for you? I was shocked to hear you didn’t debut with Ryujin and Chaeryeong in ITZY! Was it because you didn’t make it to the final line-up?” You frowned at her.

“Producing is amazing because I enjoy what I do now. And no, I just decided to leave JYP.” Your response was laced with a touch of passive aggressiveness as you were uncomfortable with her question.

“Oh, what a shame. I just thought that you would have fit ITZY, but I guess JYP wouldn’t accept any of your tracks for their albums, would they?”

See, that is the problem with Jiyoon; a fake ass bitch who knew how to press your buttons. If everyone else knew how much of a bitch she was, maybe you would not have to struggle being under fire for choosing to be a producer rather than an idol.

Before you could say anything, you felt someone’s arm wrap around your shoulders.

“Hi, Jiyoon! Sorry to interrupt but Y/N and I have somewhere to be,” Sunwoo intervenes as he gives a small smile to Jiyoon.

“Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know you two came together.” Jiyoon gives a smile—the same one you grew to hate over the years. “Well, I hope to see you again, Y/N.”

Once Jiyoon finally leaves, you do not take another second to shrug Sunwoo’s arm off and make your way out of the function room. As Sunwoo follows you out, the two of you continue to walk back to the car in silence. Jihoon notices you two and starts up the car.

The moment you two get in, not a single word is exchanged throughout the whole ride. You were sure Sunwoo was confused about your reaction but maybe he did not want to ask you about it until you were ready.

What you do not expect is to feel his hand rest on top of yours. There is something that his touch does to bring you comfort. If you could unravel the reason for this, you would take it in a heartbeat. But for now, all you can do is let yourself feel at ease.

Once you were brought back to your home, Sunwoo walked you back to the door. Before you decided to enter your home, you take a look at Sunwoo who looked worried. With that, you gave him an apologetic smile and say, “I’m sorry about tonight.”

“Hey, don’t even worry about it,” Sunwoo starts off. “It’s none of my business, but just know I’m here for you.”

You cannot help but smile at him. For a moment, you do not know what to say. Yet, something possess you. Without thinking, you felt your face closer to his. As his eyes widen at the distance between you two, you cannot help but smile.

With your head leaning to the side, you felt your lips get closer to his cheek until there was no distance left. It was a short kiss to begin with, and not much thought was put into the action. The moment you pulled away, you are still met with Sunwoo’s shocked expression.

You chose to not say anything. All you did was smile and walk away. Once you entered your home, you could not help but focus on the memories you had with Jiyoon in them (and the peck you gave Sunwoo).

Having to face Sunwoo the next day was a task you were not ready to take on. As you look back at the events that transpired last night, you were unsure of how to go back to normal without acknowledging your encounter with Jiyoon (and the k*ss on the cheek you gave out of impulse).

You wish you knew what was going through your mind that made you k*ss him. Everything felt like a blur yet crystal clear. Being driven by impulse and having no second thoughts had you placed in bad situations.

Thankfully, Sunwoo did not make any comment about last night the moment you entered the studio. In fact, the only thing you two talked about was about the track. He probably did not want to put you in an awkward position, or maybe he felt awkward himself. Either way, the two of you continued to work by yourselves.

“Why aren’t you signed with a company?” Sunwoo asks the golden question that stops you from working.

You were not sure why the sudden question but all signs have to point to what Jiyoon said last night (or what she probably told The Boyz considering they are under the same company).

“You don’t have to answer–”

“Thank you, I won’t,” You say to end the conversation.

“I’m sorry if–”

“Sunwoo,” You interrupt before he could continue.

As you look away from the computer to look at him, you say, “Just continue working.” Your tone was laced with malice as you throw a glare at him. With that, Sunwoo chose to shut up and continue writing out his rap while you tried to finish the song.

The more you two continued on with work, the more you felt guilt piling in your stomach. Sunwoo was only asking a question and you treated him with such hostility. As you felt your heart get eaten away, you wondered how you could apologize to him.

Around 1 AM, it was safe to say that you were done with the base track. Thankfully, it also seemed that Sunwoo was done with the lyrics of his raps and Chanhee’s verses.

“Thank god! All we have to do is record the demo tomorrow and we’re good to go,” You say as you save the files into your USB.

Once you shut the computer down and stood up, you look back to see Sunwoo still seated on the couch. You let out a sigh as you look down at the USB in your hands.

“I’m sorry about earlier, and last night.” When you look back up at him, he had his eyes trained on you. You took a moment to think about how to approach the situation considering you fucked up.

“Do you… do you wanna grab something with me at the convenience store? Consider it an apology or an opportunity for me to explain,” You offer with a small smile.

With that, Sunwoo nods and stands up from his seat. Thank god Sunwoo is willing to hear you out.

Sunwoo took this opportunity to buy out the whole convenience store. As you two exit to take a seat in the outdoor area, his arms seemed to carry an abundance of snacks while you held onto strawberry milk and potato chips. Once the two of you got settled, you both dug into your snacks in comfortable silence.

“I’ll, uhm, explain,” You start off as you look down at your drink.

“You don’t have to if you aren’t ready to share that part with me,” Sunwoo reassures you before you could continue.

“I know, but… I trust you.” Both you and him were shocked at your words. “I–I was just thrown off a while ago because only a few people know that part of my life.”

The moment you look back up to Sunwoo, his doe eyes were full of concern. He knows that it is a sensitive topic if you snapped a while ago—and it is. Usually, you were not the type to snap at people, but this topic was a touchy issue.

“Well, you know that I used to be under JYP even before I debuted in 1CON.” Sunwoo nods. “I obviously had plans to be part of a girl group, which was ITZY if you didn’t overhear my conversation with Jiyoon. To be honest, the line-up for ITZY was tight considering that ten trainees were competing for it, including me,” You speak as you reveal the secrets of your past.

“The thing is that I was technically going to make it in the final line-up even before 1CON. So, when Soeun—who was also a staff member of JYP Entertainment—revealed that Ryujin, Chaeryeong, and I were going to audition for Produce 101, it shocked all of us. I mean, the three of us seemed like we were going to debut in ITZY, so why did we have to go through that shitty survival show?”

“Well, when Ryujin, Chaeryeong, and I made it into the final line-up, ITZY’s debut was pushed back as well. The time I spent with 1CON is something I would carry with me throughout this lifetime, but I can’t deny that the company that oversaw us was terrible.” You look down at your banana milk.

“Even after being in the final line-up for 1CON, there was this competitive nature that made it impossible for me to feel at ease. Of course, I can’t speak for everyone because most of us got along. However, I guess the most evident rivalry was between Jiyoon and I.” As you look at Sunwoo once more, he was only listening to what you had to say. There were no interruptions on his end, and that made you grateful.

“I mean, you’ve watched Produce 101, and I’m guessing you followed the news on my group. I’m sure most media outlets would focus on the rivalry between me and Jiyoon as fans would try to defend our relationship. As much as people wanted to believe that we were best friends, we really weren’t.”

“It also didn’t help that our company, Stone Entertainment, seemed to favor her over me. I swear, I respect her as a producer since we were the only people in the group who dabbled into that. Yet, it was always hard to be a producer for 1CON when your company denied your works or would completely rearrange it without giving you credit.”

“They did WHAT?!” Sunwoo exclaims for the first time since you opened up about this topic which has you giggling.

“Yeah, it was terrible. Stone Entertainment never touched Jiyoon’s works. If they did though, they always made sure to give her credit. The rivalry I had with Jiyoon was something I knew I lost the moment they took my name out of the credits for one of the tracks I produced for the group.” You sigh. “Of course, I couldn’t protest because I would be risking my position in 1CON. Along with that, JYP would have been pissed if I spoke up.”

“So yeah, I had to live under the shadow of Jiyoon. I thought that things would go better for me once I came back under the care of JYP, but I was mistaken. There was no creative freedom with the tracks I planned to produce for the group. In fact, it felt like I was being used by the company. And despite all the countless producers JYP had contact with, they made sure to use me somehow.”

“So, imagine this: I was being starved, overworked, and overwhelmed by JYP. The fact that I couldn’t do what I love without being constantly criticized took an absolute toll on me. What I went through with Stone Entertainment was traumatic in some way, to be honest. While I was trying to get over that, I had to deal with JYP.”

“In the end, I made the decision to leave, having to pay off any expenses that they covered. Soeun followed me, and it’s a burden I carry with me. I can’t pay her much despite all the work she’s done for me. Yet, she stuck with me, and I’m happy she’s taking the decision to work with IST.”

The silence that engulfs you two should be deafening, but it was calming for you. Vocalizing what you went through felt like a weight off your chest. Somehow, saying all of it made you realize just how much you had to go through to be where you are now.

Once you looked up, you were greeted by Sunwoo���s eyes which were full of sorrow.

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” He whispers which has you shaking your head.

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry for. In fact, the people who owe me an apology are JYP and Stone Entertainment,” You say with a laugh, looking at the starry sky.

“That’s why when netizens talk about how I’m a wasted opportunity or question what my future plans are, I don’t pay attention to them. What I went through at those two companies was enough to know how I’d be treated in the industry.” You sigh. “But I love music at the end of it all—I love the music I worked hard on.”

As you admired the sea of stars that seemed to surround you two, Sunwoo grabbed your hand from across the table. The moment you look back at him, he does not say anything. Instead, he continues to rub his thumb on your hand, drawing patterns as you two sit in what you shared.

You were over what happened then; you did not cry like you used to. Yet, there is something so comforting about Sunwoo’s hand caressing yours that says, “You can cry if you want to.” And cry you did.

The tears slowly streamed down your face, and you realized just how vulnerable you were around the man you supposedly just met a few days ago. Before you could say anything, you see Sunwoo give you a smile of sympathy as he continues to hold your hand that starts to shake.

Once the sobs started to pour out, you could not look at him anymore. Your body started to bend forward as you felt your heart start to ache at the memory. Somehow, you felt your body be brought towards the warm figure who was once seated across you. As Sunwoo let you cry into his chest, his arms stayed wrapped around your figure as he rubbed circles on your back.

You were never the person who could easily be vulnerable around others. Yet, it was so easy to be that way with Sunwoo. Despite the small period of time getting to know him, he did not seem to judge you as tears and snot continued to drip. That was the moment you realized that Sunwoo is everything good in this world.

Having to meet Sunwoo the next day to record the final track was probably the most nerve-wracking experience yet. In the past two days, you managed to k*ss him on the cheek (god, you hate thinking about it that you cannot even say it) and also sob your eyes out to the point his hoodie was soaked. You are not sure how you can embarrass yourself even more.

When you entered the recording studio, the universe seemed to save your ass since you saw Chanhee and Sunwoo together. Thankfully, there would be no opportunity to spend some time alone with him (at least for now).

“Ah, Y/N! It’s so nice to see you again,” Chanhee exclaims as he grabs your hand to shake it.

“It’s nice to see you too, Chanhee! Has Sunwoo shown you the lyrics and melody?”

“Yes, he did. I was practicing all night, so I’m hoping you’ll be satisfied later.” You shake your head with a smile on your face. The moment your eyes land on Sunwoo, you see his eyes on you. Still nervous from yesterday, you look back at Chanhee to get rid of the fact that Sunwoo was staring at you.

“No, this is your track. Whatever you do should live up to your standards. I’m sure whatever you do will blow my mind anyway,” You say letting go of his hand.

Once you take a seat in front of the mixing console, you say, “Chanhee, you can step into the recording booth first so we can record your parts. Sunwoo seems to have his rap under control, so let’s work hard to do the bigger tasks.”

The whole process of having Chanhee and Sunwoo record their parts seemed to pass by quickly. In fact, you managed to only spend two and a half hours just recording their parts since they wanted to experiment and figure out which went best.

What followed after was for you to combine their vocals with the track. It did not take much, which surprised you. Usually, you would struggle with this segment of the process. Yet, it helped to have Sunwoo and Chanhee in the room as they talked about whatever.

As you were immersed in cleaning up the final track, you never noticed how Sunwoo was preoccupied with admiring you. Although Chanhee caught sight of it, he continued to talk to the wall to not blow his best friend’s cover.

What you do not catch is one boy whispering to the other about admitting his feelings for you after everything.

On the next day, you were not as nervous as you expected to be (maybe it is because Chanhee and Sunwoo enjoyed the final product). You were seated with the two across from Jihoon, Soeun, and the CEO of IST Entertainment, Mr. Yoon, to present the final track.

“Thank you again for meeting with us today and accepting the offer to produce the track for Chanhee and Sunwoo,” Mr. Yoon says with a smile.

“Of course, it is a pleasure to be given this opportunity,” You say as you bow your head.

“Can you give us a brief explanation of what you have prepared for us?”

With that, you nod and give Chanhee and Sunwoo to explain the meaning behind the song.

��Mr. Yoon, the track we have prepared with Y/N is entitled “Don’t,” which is a love story with a twist. It’s a story between two people who started off casually flirting but slowly realize that they have feelings for each other,” Chanhee starts off.

“The story of this song is that the two possible lovers don’t want to admit anything and would like to stay away from alcohol in fear that they might confess under the influence,” Sunwoo continues, allowing you to say the last segment of the explanation.

“The track is R&B with a Soul feel. Sunwoo is responsible for creating the meaning behind this track, and I just worked with his idea. We hope you enjoy what we have to offer,” You finish off the explanation and signal Soeun to play the track for Mr. Yoon.

As the track played, you noticed Soeun, Jihoon, and Mr. Yoon going along with the music. In fact, it looked like they were enjoying it. As you were waiting for the track to end, you felt someone’s hand grab onto yours from under the table. When you look down, you notice that it was Sunwoo’s hand that grabbed yours. The moment you look at Sunwoo who is seated beside you, he does not spare you a glance but continues to hold your hand that rests on your lap.

You two have not talked about the k*ss on the cheek or the sob moment you had back at the convenience store. In fact, you have not talked about how he held your hand in the car or how he held your face to calm you down. Never once did you two mention the flirtatious comments you two would throw at each other.

So, what happens once the track gets approved? Will these all stop once you and Sunwoo do not have to work together anymore? What will happen to the relationship between you two?

The moment the track reaches its end, you are snapped back to reality. Once you look back at Mr. Yoon, you see him nodding with a small smile. He seemed to look satisfied with the final output.

“Y/N, I really enjoy what you put for us today. Your specialty is really with R&B tracks considering the artists you’ve produced for.” You were not sure whether that was a compliment or not since you produced tracks of different genres.

“Here at IST, we really appreciate what you put in for us. We’ll make sure to make good use of this demo.” You started to frown.

“I’m sorry, demo?” You ask, clarifying what you just heard.

“Yes, demo,” Mr. Yoon answers, leaving you taken back.

“Demo? Mr. Yoon, we agreed on Y/N producing the final track. This is not a demo,” Soeun says as she shared the same confusion you had. Mr. Yoon snaps his fingers, signaling for Jihoon to respond.

“Uhm, we sent an email a few days ago to Y/N’s email to inform them of the changes in the contract. We assumed that you two got the memo despite getting no response.” With that, you immediately stand up from your seat, Sunwoo’s hand not holding yours anymore.

“Even if, you should have clarified with me regarding this matter. I mean, we saw each other recently. Why did you not bother to ask me if I received your email?” You ask in disbelief as you set your hands on the table.

“If you were signed with a company, then you wouldn’t have to bother with fixing your habit of reading emails,” Mr. Yoon comments, which makes you scoff.

“Ah, so it’s like that then. The nerve of this company to comment on how I am an independent producer is disrespectful. Mr. Yoon, I’ll have you know that I signed that contract under the impression it would be the final track. I cannot accept giving you this as a demo knowing my work would be taken advantage of.”

“Well, I’m sorry, but we are only willing to accept it as a demo.” You cross your arms as you shake your head in disbelief.

“Mr. Yoon, don’t think this is the first time people have attempted to screw me over. I’ll have you know that I’ve been in this industry longer than your groups. Chanhee and Sunwoo can keep their lyrics while I keep my track. This agreement is over,” You say as you step away from the table, storming off the room to leave Soeun to deal with the rest.

As you made your way out of the building, you began to walk on the sidewalk to think about what just happened. Yet, you heard someone calling your name from behind. As you let out a sigh, you stood still in place and feel Sunwoo’s hand grab onto your shoulder.

“What now, Sunwoo?”

“I’m sorry about–”

“Sunwoo, you don’t need to apologize for anything. It’s your CEO and manager that need to apologize for the fact that they modified the contract without my knowledge, attempted to take advantage of my work to call it their own, and insulted me as an independent artist and producer,” You say as you were shocked with how things turned out.

Clearly, you were not in the right headspace to continue talking about what just happened. In fact, you were pissed with the events that transpired a while ago. You signed up to produce the final track with possible minimal changes, not a fucking demo.

“Y/N, will you hear me out?” Sunwoo asks which makes you let out a sigh.

“Yes, sorry. Please, say what you need to say,” You say, hoping he would understand what you felt considering how you opened up to him two days ago.

“I think you should still agree to it.”

Upon hearing those words, your mouth opens in shock. The one person you trusted to understand what you felt about this issue seemed to be turning their back on you. Considering that Sunwoo knew what you went through, you could not believe what he was asking you to do.

“I’m sorry?”

“It’ll still be a good opportunity! I’ll make sure they credit you for it, and I’ll even express my gratitude to ensure that people know you worked on this.” You let out a chuckle of disbelief as you shake off his hand that was once resting on your shoulder (and held your hand countless times).

“Kim Sunwoo, I expected better from you.” Before he could say anything, you cut him off.

“No, you don’t get to speak just yet. Sunwoo, you are an artist in this industry. You know how companies treat demos, and how there are opportunities for artists like me to get fucked over. Your company is not that different from others; they only care for profit as artists continue to struggle in this fucked up industry.”

“Sunwoo, I can’t believe that after everything I told you a few days ago, you dare to ask me something so difficult. I would have thought that out of all the people you would be the one who would understand, but clearly, you are no different from the companies who took advantage of me.”

You stand there for a few seconds in hopes to hear Sunwoo argue that he is not like the people who took advantage of you. In fact, you were waiting for him to say he understood and that he would like to apologize. But when no words came out of his mouth, that is when you knew that you were played with.

“Yeah, fuck you, Sunwoo. Don’t bother contacting me again.” With that, you stormed off and left him to sit in with what you said. You did not like to admit it but you were sure you felt tears fall as you continued to make your way back home on foot.

if you liked this, please take some time to like and reblog this!

[xanadontit]

College Chronicles

Since the deadline to make a decision is nigh, my brother is finally actually touring of some of the schools he's been accepted to.

San Jose State (SJSU) is the current front runner. He needs to get a 3 on the AP Calculus exam to be officially in, although the admissions counselor said there was a work-around there if he didn't. I think it's a test they administer through the university? One of his best friends has also committed to SJSU and said if my brother goes he'd like to room with him. My dad is being a total jackass about this. "It's too close to home." OK? Then you shouldn't have allowed him to apply there! And seriously? We're going to punish the kid because he happened to grow up in an area where there are a ton of great opportunities because you've decided he "needs" to go far away? Shut up.

Chico State (CSCU) is out but my brother said if you could move the campus slightly closer to a city he'd definitely consider it seriously. Totally fair. It's a cute, affordable college town but Sacramento is 1.5 hours away on a good day. I'm glad he's weighing the schools and considering he has to live there.

Long Beach is old and rundown and felt depressing, according to him lol. Fullerton had a nice campus and people were smiling and seemed happy but he finds the 97% commuter aspect off-putting. He also liked the campus at Cal Poly Pomona and said the chemical engineering program sounds fantastic but it's basically Chico but further south (remote, not much going on in the area). But, he hasn't officially eliminated it.

SF State is also an option but is even closer to my parents' house than SJSU (my stepmom drives past it on her way to work most days) and so again, my dad is being a pill about it. My brother doesn't seem terribly excited about it, anyway, other than he knows the area and spends time in the city anyway so it's comfortable.

He hasn't visited Sonoma or Northridge. He turned down UC Santa Cruz's waitlist spot. At one point UC Davis was also in the mix (waitlisted) but he didn't love it when he visited and told me he had it at the top of his list because it's a UC and "everyone told me to be into it."

I told him if he wants to talk through his thoughts/concerns I'd be happy to help him make some pro/con lists or figure out his non-negotiables or just listen to him vent and he said he knows and loves me (omg) and he's going to sleep on it and talk to his girlfriend (who also got into SJSU and liked it, FYI) and he may call me to talk later. At this point I may offer to be there when he tells his parents his decision if for no other reason than to whip something at my dad's head if he expresses anything other than enthusiastic support.

@pelicanhypeman and I are pretty sure it's going to be SJSU. My dad thinks I support this because it's 10 minutes from my house and uhhhh... if the kid wanted to go to school in Japan I'd support him! What is there to be gained by shitting on his decision, especially if it's not an inherently harmful one? He'll pull away from us out of hurt, not out of finding independence. I don't want that kind of relationship with him.

Now I need to figure out what to get him as a graduation present (I still owe him a trip from 8ther grade graduation in 2020) and order the bullhorn for the ceremony.

[devsgames]

Heya, a while ago I got a job as a programmer for a small game studio (yay!), though now struggling to manage the work load from disability issues and it not being better than my previous development job, I've realised I would very much like to go solo. I believe I have the technical ability and training to do so but I'm not sure how to manage it financially, especially with an almost full time job (that I can't reduce more than I already have). Do you have any tips on the money side of becoming independent? Would just like to be stable enough to make a living on it!

Thanks for the ask!!

First: congrats on getting a job! That's excellent!

I'm going to go in-depth because I think it's a valid question, but I also want to be super clear that no one should go solo until they're absolutely prepared for the risks associated with it:

Sustainability

I can't personally speak to working with a disability, but my biggest piece of advice for going solo is: don't quit your day job. Odds are good that as a solo developer you are not going to make enough money to earn a living.

In my experience it's usually better to be miserable and struggling at a full-time job that pays well than miserable and struggling as a solo dev that doesn't pay rent. At a full-time job you may not happy but at least you put food on the table and can save money and spend it on things guilt-free, which is something a lot of solo devs can't do.

I think there's a misconception that being a solo dev is sustainable when in actuality the way most solo devs are sustainable is by already having a popular game/following, or having an existing safety net or second job that pays the bills, or by working their asses off more than they would at a full-time job. Solo dev exhibits survivorship bias because the solo devs who couldn't keep up in the market simply aren't doing it anymore. Solo dev is so competitive and the pay so unreliable that unless you strike gold (which is very unlikely) I can't in good faith recommend anyone attempt going solo without some sort of extensive planning to back it up.

I'll use myself as a point of comparison for full transparency (because I am absolutely not exempt from having immense privilege and I think it's important to acknowledge that): I was laid off in 2023, but my partner currently makes 110k CDN a year. Before I got laid off I made 85k CDN a year. We've been saving up for about ~7 years. Cost of living in our area of the country is very high, but we live in a place owned by a relative so our rent is truly dirt cheap so our overall costs are incredibly low. My partner pays most of our expenses, and I'm on her insurance plan. We're both open and comfortable about this arrangement now, but if something happened financially I'd be running out and working a job immediately out of necessity. I am incredibly privileged to have a comfortable living situation that affords me flexibility to focus on creative stuff full-time, but it's because of these circumstances that I can do solo dev in a dedicated capacity.

A Peek At Finances

I started solo dev in 2020 and until 2023 I did solo dev alongside my full-time job and I shipped 3 games in that time (so roughly one game per year), so I was saving money and making games on the side. I ran a Kickstarter as part of that and made a number of sales as part of the Queer Games Bundle (which offered much more generous payouts back then than it is able to now). Now in 2024 I do it full-time, but despite this I don't make enough to survive.

Here's all the profits from my game sales from the last 4 years as a solo dev (in USD). Remember this is from the last 4 years altogether (not per-year), and 2024 was the first year I did it exclusively:

Steam

Itchio (this is largely due to the Queer Games Bundle, I generally don't make much profit off itch at all outside of that)

On top of this, I work as a Course Director at a local University for 4 months of the year for an additional $10k to supplement my income. I also have had some other revenue streams from streaming, commissions, freelance writing, talks, Patreon, etc. however that's approximately in the ~$100 every few months range and not terribly noteworthy.

As you can tell the solo dev sales is not really enough money for most people to make rent on, and some of my games (like Lofty Quest) cost a lot of money relative to their profit. Solo dev is incredibly risky because even with perfect planning you can work on a project for years only for it to make you like, $300 in the end.

All this is to say; solo dev really is not sustainable full-time for most people unless you are the 0.1% of people who can afford to live on $1000-5000 USD a year (though I feel like most people can't).

"""Side-Hustle""" Approach

I think solo dev is more manageable as a (for lack of a better word) 'side hustle' than it is a full-time job. But I find the secret to doing that is (like any craft) is to learn to enjoy the process and not the product - if you enjoy making your own games then it will give you energy, as opposed to sucking it away like making games for work does.

When I was working in the office I'd be designing stuff for my TTRPGs whenever I took breaks at my desk, or writing notes and plans on digital games whenever I had some down time. Even working remotely I would squeeze in working on my game during big team meetings or before I went to bed - again mostly just because I liked the act of making my own games. I did it because I enjoyed it and it afforded me more freedom than I had working on content on a AAA game, but I never really did it because I was ever planning to make a ton of money or planning to go solo. Doing solo dev part-time helped me find a work-life balance where I was still feeling creatively fulfilled despite working at a job I hated, and profit came after that - I only fully focused on solo dev when I suddenly lost my job and found myself in a comfortable living situation.

An additional thing I'd say about solo dev is that if you 'believe' you have the ability to do it, then try to ship a premium game right now by yourself from start to finish as a side thing before re-shaping your life plans around it. It sounds obvious but until you ship a game by yourself you don't know what it's like to ship a game by yourself, and it'll give you a better idea of what it's actually like and if it's something you can actually manage to do more long-term.

If you're really really going to go solo full-time and nothing is ever going to stop you (once again, I would not recommend considering this at all but I know some people have trouble listening to advice), then here's some survival tips:

You should ensure you have a plan that is concrete and actionable - make it a SMART goal so that it's measurable and you can quantifiable hold yourself to it. E.g. "I'm going to publish a game solo and see how it goes" isn't something to bank your livelihood on, but "I'm going to release two small games before November and see what the process is like, and if I'm not making rent by February I will find a part time job" is. Remember that finding a new job after being off the job market will take time (sometimes months) and incorporate that additional plan. Formulate a Plan B and hold yourself to it, and then a handful of 'Plan C through G' worst-case scenarios, because you don't want to bank your livelihood on solo dev. Hold yourself to your plan whenever possible, keep going back to that plan, and know when to call it quits. Solo dev isn't worth sacrificing your life over.

Before going solo, calculate your monthly burn rate and current savings and know how long it will last - also assume you're going to spend more money than you usually do on average (because you'll probably spend more than you expect). Plan ways to cut costs in your daily life, what you can stop spending money on, etc. Figure out your insurance situation with your work; you'll either have to get your own plan or lose health coverage in some instances. If you're planning on quitting your job and you have a quit date be sure to maximize the amount of money you spend on insurance before you do; buy new orthotics, new glasses, see your doctor, stock up on your meds, etc. Don't do any unnecessary spending if at all possible.

Read up on your local business and tax laws, and learn how it works for developers in your area with regards to revenue from foreign countries (if you live outside the US, as most storefronts operate within the US). If you can, find a lawyer and an accountant who works with game developers in your area (if you know any local devs ask them who they use, they'll usually be happy to share). Seek out publishers, investors, grants, developers in your area and make connections as early as possible because they could be a lifeline down the road. If you're going to be sustainable as a solo dev it's usually from grants, investors or contract work and not because of sales alone. Network early and network often.

When you start a game, be acutely confident (and honest with yourself) of its marketability - no one thinks your game is as cool as you do. Don't make an echo chamber about your work and be open to feedback. Ask others what they think about it to validate your intentions.

Plan to spend money on promoting it. Post about your game as part of your job and never shut up about it. Be as annoying about your work as you feel comfortable, and then double the amount of annoying you are. You'll get used to being annoying because if no one finds out about your game your game will not make money.

Work like a studio; playtest your game early and often. Before you finish your first game, plan what your next game is going to be and start prototyping that. Be your own producer, err on the side of caution and cut as many things as often as possible.

I made a whole talk on the production side of being a solo dev here if you want more specific production tips.

---

Anyway, sorry that may not be...terribly helpful of an answer, but I think a realistic approach is usually best. Thanks again for the ask!

[catboybiologist]

I think I need to stay in anonymous asks for now. This is the first time it's even kept me up at night, I've been able to push it off before because I couldn't deal with it then. Day one. I feel like I'm forcing myself to look for a question to justify accepting an answer I already have. If I were exactly where I am today but a woman instead, I don't think I'd be this uncertain. I think I'd be happy.

Would I be happier if I were pretty? Maybe. But couldn't I be pretty enough if I were happy? Oh my god I'll be thirty next year and I'm worried about being pretty. I can still be a feral gremlin and be pretty. Right?

You're forcing yourself to answer broader questions before addressing the root of your problem. So here's something that helped me work through whether or not I wanted to start HRT.

Forget identity for the time being. Yes, seriously. Are you trans? Are you cis? Woman? Man? Doesn't matter. Pretend those concepts don't exist.

Now, take a look at this:

I'm sure you've ruminated over pages very similar to this one many, many times. But read this in a way that is independent of identity. And then ask yourself: are these changes the exact ones that I want for my own physical body? Take a moment to deeply imagine them on yourself. How do they make you feel?

Stop thinking about what you'll see in the mirror. Stop thinking about what other people will see. The reality is, there is zero way to predict that. In the end, especially years from now, you'll probably pass as a woman- with enough time on HRT, most people do- but you won't at first. Even considering that, is that what you want on your body, for you?

The point here is to reel back the scope of what you're thinking about. You're letting the big questions get in the way of your functional decisionmaking.

At some point, you need to let the concept of identity back in. It could be after reading that, it could be after making your decision about HRT, it could be after starting HRT, it could be after deciding not to take HRT. If you decide to start HRT, and it feels good and right and hits your deeper identity, then you can let the way you feel about it define that identity. If you decide not to start HRT, think about what that means for you. Do you still feel like a woman underneath that all? If you decide not to take HRT and still feel this way, that's perfectly okay- plenty of trans people don't take HRT.

Who you are is not a one line definition. It's a function of a million tiny factors. Guide its development, don't try to force it into a box. Sometimes, it has to develop from the functional aspects of your life, and you can't let the big things define who you are without thought.

[jtownraindancer]

The Burn Collection

Hello friends! I've been hunting down Burn Gorman's works (film, screen, and radio) over the past few months, and since sharing is caring~

Audiobooks

Arkham County- From within the walls of Arkham’s asylum, reclusive writer Randolph Carter tells the story of orphan Violet Flintock, who arrives in Arkham County in search of her own history only to be instantly greeted by the bloody realities of this small town, whose foundations are built from the lore and mythology of HP Lovecraft. Horror; mature themes. 2020. Ensemble cast. Wilbur. [complete]

Torchwood: Everyone Says Hello- Across Cardiff, ordinary people are behaving in odd ways: saying hello to complete strangers, and going out of their way to greet one another. Torchwood discovers that an alien communications field is gathering strength in the area. The team must find the device responsible and shut it off - before civil unrest engulfs the whole city. 2008. Narrator. Owen Harper. [complete]

Torchwood: Slow Decay- A friend of Gwen's has recently done an impressive bit of slimming, thanks to a new Cardiff weight-loss clinic with an incredibly simple system, and now Rhys wants to give it a try. Elsewhere in the city, an ordinary woman with superhuman strength and a extraordinary hunger is attacking people and eating her victims. 2007. Narrator. Owen Harper. [complete]

Films

Agatha Christie's Marple: Ordeal By Innocence- Old wounds are reopened for the Argyle family when a man suddenly turns up after being abroad and claims that the black sheep of the family could not have murdered its tyrannical matriarch. 2007. Ensemble cast. Antagonist. Jacko Argyle. [complete]

Cemetery Junction- In early 1970s England, three friends spend their days in banter, drinking, fighting and chasing girls. Freddie wants to escape their working class world but cheeky chappy Bruce and kind-hearted slacker Snork are happy with life the way it is. When Freddie gets a job as a door-to-door insurance salesman and bumps into his old school sweetheart Julie, the gang are forced to make choices that will change their lives forever. 2010. Ensemble cast. PC Renwick. [complete]

Color Me Kubrick- The true story of a man who posed as director Stanley Kubrick during the production of Kubrick's last film, Eyes Wide Shut (1999), despite knowing very little about his work and looking nothing like him. 2005. Period typical -isms. Ensemble cast. Willie. [complete]

Crimson Peak- An aspiring young author travels to a remote Gothic mansion in Cumberland, England with her new husband and his sister. There, she must decipher the mystery behind the ghostly visions that haunt her new home. 2015. Ensemble cast. Mr. Holly. [complete]

Dalziel and Pascoe: A Death in The Family- When a transit depot is robbed of £600,000 in used banknotes, the thieves left one thing behind: a dead security guard. The victim is revealed to be the inside man and telephone records lead to Steve Pitt, found dead in his restaurant. 2006. Ensemble cast. Jerry Hart. [complete]

Enola Holmes- Enola is the youngest sibling in the famous Holmes family. She is extremely intelligent, observant, and insightful, defying the social norms for women of the time. Her mother Eudoria has taught her everything she needs to know to be strong-willed and independent. But on her sixteenth birthday, Enola wakes to find that her mother has disappeared. 2020. Ensemble cast. Linthorn. [complete]

Fred Claus- Santa's bitter older brother, Fred, is forced to move to the North Pole to help Santa and the elves prepare for their big night in exchange for cash. But what started out as an easy way to make money soon turns into a desperate attempt to save Christmas. 2007. Cameo. Elf. [complete]

Guernica- "Listen, George. Here's your damn war story. Twenty-six April, 1937. Gernika. Don't give a damn if you use my name or you have someone else sign it. But it's the story I want printed. Ready? A very small town in the north of Spain is about to become very famous, but for all the wrong reasons." 2016. Ensemble cast. Soviet Consul. [complete]

Imperium- A young FBI agent, eager to prove himself in the field, goes undercover as a white supremacist. 2016. Mature content. Ensemble cast. Morgan. [complete]

In A Valley of Violence- A mysterious stranger and a random act of violence drag a town of misfits and nitwits into the bloody crosshairs of revenge. 2016. Ensemble cast. Priest. [complete]

Jimi: All Is By My Side- In 1966, an unknown guitarist named James Hendrix leaves New York for London, changes his name to Jimi and begins to make his mark in the world of rock music. Ensemble cast. Michael Jeffrey. [complete]

Johnny English Reborn- Johnny English is retired in Tibet and in disgrace in MI7 after a washed-up mission in Mozambique. Summoned unexpectedly by MI7 to stop assassins from killing Chinese Premier Xiang Ping. 2011. Ensemble cast. Agent Slater. [complete]

Layer Cake- A successful cocaine dealer gets two tough assignments from his boss on the eve of his planned early retirement. 2004. Ensemble cast. Gazza. [complete]

Lift- A master thief and his Interpol Agent ex-girlfriend team up to steal $500 million in gold bullion being transported on an A380 passenger flight. 2024. Ensemble cast; antagonist. Cormac. [complete]

Love is Not Enough- DV Indie filmmaker due to shoot promo for unsigned Welsh pop group takes the money and uses it to finish the film he's been working on for 5 years. 2001. Mature content. Period typical -isms. Slurs. Ensemble cast. Al Weisberger. [complete]

Pacific Rim- As a war between humankind and monstrous sea creatures wages on, a former pilot and a trainee are paired up to drive a seemingly obsolete special weapon in a desperate effort to save the world from the apocalypse. 2013. Ensemble cast. Dr. Hermann Gottlieb. [complete]

Pacific Rim Uprising- Jake Pentecost, son of Stacker Pentecost, reunites with Mako Mori to lead a new generation of Jaeger pilots against a new Kaiju threat. But this time, the threat comes from somewhere much closer to home. 2018. Ensemble cast. Dr. Hermann Gottlieb. [complete]

Penelope- Penelope Wilhern was born with the snout of a pig due to a curse that was placed on her family by a vengeful witch. The only way to break the curse is for "one of her own kind" to love her. 2006. Ensemble cast. Larry Bunter. [complete]

Ransomed- A young diplomat is assigned the task of carrying the ransom money to rescue an abducted diplomat in Lebanon, and a local taxi driver accidently gets involved in the mission. 2023. Ensemble cast. Richard Carter. [complete]

Red Lights- Psychologist Margaret Matheson and her assistant study paranormal activity, which leads them to investigate a world-renowned psychic who has resurfaced years after his toughest critic mysteriously passed away. 2012. Ensemble cast. Benedict Cohen. [complete]

Sex, The City and Me- Jess, a high-flying banker, is sidelined in her job by her Machiavellian boss when she returns to work after having a baby. She decides to sue the bank and ends up risking everything, including her marriage. The drama is inspired by in-depth interviews with women who have fought major cases in the City. 2007. Ensemble cast. Lawrence. [complete]

The Curse of Steptoe- Aspiring stage actor Harry H. Corbett jumps at the chance to star in a television comedy show 'Steptoe and Son'. The show's success proves to be a poisoned chalice, thwarting his stage ambitions. Wilfrid Brambell, the actor playing his father, is a gay man in an England where homosexuality is still illegal. Both, in their own way, feel that they have invoked the curse of Steptoe. Ray Galton. [complete]

The Inspector Lynley Mysteries: In Divine Proportion- While investigating the murder of an interior decorator, Inspector Lynley and Sergeant Havers quickly learn there is a connection between the victim's murder, and the death of her sister 15 years earlier. Mature themes; references to rape & suicide. 2005. Ensemble cast. Billy Verger. [complete]

The Oxford Murders- At Oxford University, a professor and a grad student work together to try to stop a potential series of murders seemingly linked by mathematical symbols. 2008. Ensemble cast. Yuri Podorov. [complete]

Undergods- A dystopian anthology set in a post-apocalyptic landscape. The breakout film of director Chino Moya, "Undergods" offers a prophetic warning that we will be the instruments of our own undoing if we refuse to address rising authoritarianism alongside growing inequality and scarcity of resources. 2020. Ensemble cast. Tim. [complete]

Up There- Martin (deceased) is stuck in a dead-end job, welcoming the newly departed into the afterlife. All he dreams of is going 'Up There'. But his plans are thrown into disarray when he has to team up with the relentlessly chirpy Rash, and together they lose a new arrival. 2011. Ensemble cast; protagonist. Martin. [complete]

Walking With The Enemy- A young man, separated from his family in World War II, disguises himself as a Nazi S.S. Officer and uncovers more than just his family whereabouts. 2013. Ensemble cast. Lt. Colonel Otto Skorzeny. [complete]

Watcher- As a serial killer stalks the city, Julia -- a young actress who just moved to town with her boyfriend -- notices a mysterious stranger watching her from across the street. 2022. Ensemble cast; antagonist. Watcher; Weber. [complete]

Guest Appearances

A Lark Rise in Candleford: Season 4, Episode 3- Thomas is euphoric when he lands the job of organising the church bazaar. But his joy soon evaporates when the vicar falls ill, and the controversial and free-thinking curate Reverend Marley takes charge. Thomas is convinced that Marley is evil incarnate, and when he comes across a snake on his postal rounds, he sees it as a sign that the devil is indeed amongst them. 2011. Ensemble cast; guest star. Reverend Benedict Marley. [complete]

Casualty: Not Waving But Drowning- Penny's medical skills are tested to the limit during a diving expedition, and Holly is mystified at the collapse of a promising teenage dancer. 1999. Ensemble cast; guest star. Geoff Simpson. [complete]

Coronation Street- 1998. Ensemble cast; guest star. Ben Andrews. [coming soon!]

Forever- Dr. Henry Morgan is a New York City medical examiner who studies the dead for criminal cases, and to solve the mystery of his own immortality. 2014. Ensemble cast; guest star. Lewis Farber/Adam. (Appears only in episodes 11, 14, 18, 21 & 22, but all episodes are here!) [complete]

Game of Thrones- Nine noble families fight for control over the lands of Westeros, while an ancient enemy returns after being dormant for millennia. 2011. Ensemble cast; guest star. Karl Tanner. (only featuring Burn's four appearances) [complete]

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia: Flowers For Charlie- Charlie being used as a test subject for a new intelligence pill that makes him smarter and more aware of his messed-up life, causing him to quit his janitor job. Meanwhile, Dee, Dennis, and Mac try to do Charlie's work but get sidetracked and high on gasoline; and Frank tries to bring Charlie back to his dimwitted self. 2013. Ensemble cast; guest star. The Scientist/Science Bitch. [complete]

Lucky Man- From the mind of comic book legend Stan Lee comes a bold new action crime series about a brilliant but flawed police officer with the power to control luck. 2016. Ensemble cast; guest appearance. Doug. (Featuring only the three episodes in which he starred.) [complete]

Merseybeat: Coming of Age- Sgt. Gentle decides it's time for a change and decides to go out on the beat with PC Traynor, and the pair investigate a burglary at the home of an antiques dealer. Meanwhile, Ch. Insp. Oulton tries to help out an old friend who has found himself on the wrong side of the law. 2001. Ensemble cast; guest appearance. Sean Finnigan. [complete]

The Man in The High Castle- In a dystopian America dominated by Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan, a young woman discovers a mysterious film that may hold the key to toppling the totalitarian regimes. 2015. The Marshal. (Featuring only the two episodes in which he starred.) [complete]

Miniseries

And Then There Were None- Ten strangers are invited to Soldier Island, an isolated rock near the Devon coast in southern England. Cut off from the mainland, with their generous hosts mysteriously absent, they are each accused of a terrible crime. As members of the party start to die one by one, the survivors realize that one of them is a killer and start to turn on each other. Mature themes. 2015. Ensemble cast. Sergeant Detective William "Bill" Blore. [complete]

Bleak House- Jarndyce and Jarndyce is an interminable law case in the Court of Chancery, concerning two or more wills and their beneficiaries. Eventually, after several decades, a verdict is finally reached, but not without a surprising number of twists along the way. 2005. Ensemble cast. William Guppy. (Video formatting issues in a couple episodes- i.e. fuzzy and/or black borders on sides in several sections. Full picture still visible, just with weird borders.) [complete]

Cheat- What starts out as what appears to be an open-and-shut case of academic dishonesty, soon spirals out of everyone’s control, proving there’s far more to the story than just a plagiarised essay. What lies behind the shocking events and tragedies that unfurl? Mature themes. 2019. Ensemble cast. Ben Jarvis. [complete]

Spies of Warsaw- A military attaché at the French embassy is drawn into a world of abduction, betrayal and intrigue in the diplomatic salons and back alleys of Warsaw. 2013. Ensemble cast. Jourdain. [complete {with Portuguese subtitles}]

The Hour- 2011. Ensemble cast. Thomas Kish. [coming soon!]

The Offer- A series based on Oscar-winning producer Albert S. Ruddy's extraordinary, never-revealed experiences of making "The Godfather." 2022. Ensemble cast. Charles Bluhdorn. [complete]

The Runaway- Cathy Connor and Eamonn Docherty are childhood sweethearts who are desperate to escape their East End roots. When Cathy murders her Mum's pimp in self-defense it changes their lives forever. Mature themes. 2011. Ensemble cast. Richard Gates. [complete]

Wuthering Heights- Based on the classic novel by Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights is a story of love, obsession, hate and revenge. The protagonists, Cathy and Heathcliff, form a love that is dark and destructive and affects the lives of everyone around them. 2009. Ensemble cast. Hindley Earnshaw. [complete]

Podcasts & Radio Dramas

Curl Up & D.I.- Gemma and Andy are two feckless coppers patrolling the mean streets of Slatby, a faded North Yorkshire seaside town with an unsolved murder problem. With conventional leads exhausted, local hairstylists, gossipmongers and armchair crime-solvers Yacky and Reuben are enlisted, and their salon unwittingly becomes the beating heart of all ongoing detective operations. Welcome to the murky hinterlands of soft perms and slaughter. Mature content. 2022. Chief Steve "Wendy" Concern. [complete]

Doctor Who: Timelord Victorious: Echoes of Extinction- Trapped, a haunted monster waits to consume new victims. It needs help. It needs a doctor. Unfortunately, it also needs to kill whoever it meets. Thrust into immediate danger, and on the back-foot, it will take all of the Doctor’s ingenuity to triumph. Two interlinked adventures. Two Doctors. One foe. 2021. Ensemble cast. The Network. [complete]

Glad To Be Back- Opera-loving Lezzo is on home leave for the weekend. His prison term is due to end in four weeks' time, and he is looking for a little innocent enjoyment. His friends have other plans in mind however, and his mother has some worrying news. 1999. Ensemble cast. Norman; Various. [complete]

He Died With His Eyes Open- A detective in 1980s London investigates a brutal murder, but has little to go on except for the victim's cassette diaries. 2013. Ensemble cast; narrator. The Detective. [complete]

King Trash- Mike Hodges adapts King Lear in a gritty retelling following KT, an 80-year-old criminal despot who owns a landfill site in the outskirts of London, and his daughter Honey, who is anything but sweet. Mature themes. 2007. Ensemble cast. Clint. [complete]

The Babington Plot- During the reign of Elizabeth I, a group of Catholic gentlemen conceived a plan to assassinate the Queen. The story of the failed conspiracy, told in documentary fashion on its one-year anniversary, is revealed via the different perspectives of several participants in the events. 2008. Ensemble cast. Robert Poley. [complete]

The Battersea Poltergeist- A paranormal cold case, re-investigated through a thrilling blend of drama and documentary. The true story of one of Britain's strangest hauntings. 2021. Ensemble cast. Wally Hitchings. (includes original adverts.) [complete]

The Mayor of Casterbridge- Michael Henchard spends his life trying to atone for the terrible action that led to the loss of his wife and child. But his past refuses to be buried, no matter how hard he tries to conceal it. Dark themes. 2008. Ensemble cast. Abel Whittle. [complete]

The Reckoning: The Death of Christopher Marlowe- In London, 1593, playwright Christopher Marlowe, a young writer, is stabbed in a disagreement over the bill, and the authorities find that Marlowe was killed in self-defence. History says it was just a drunken quarrel, nothing more. But Charles Nicholl thinks it was murder, and an unsolved murder never grows old. 2022. Ensemble cast. Robert Poley. [complete]

The Spy- Henry Wharton, a young British soldier, sneaks into No-Man's Land in civilian clothing in order to visit the family he hasn't seen in over a year. But the happy reunion is cut short when he is captured by American soldiers and must stand trial as a spy. 2012. Ensemble cast. Harvey Birch. [complete]

The Taming of The Shrew- Petruchio, after collecting money from both her younger sister's suitors and a dowry from her father, is ready to marry Katherine, even against her will. Have Katherine and Petruchio learned to love each other? Or is the marriage based on terror and deception? 1998. Ensemble cast. Grumio. [complete]

The War Master: Escape From Reality: The Adventure of The Deceased Doctor- When Dr John Watson is informed of his own murder, only the world’s greatest consulting detective can assist. He just happens to come from a different world. 2022. Ensemble cast. Lestrade/Moriarty. [complete] (included the other three parts of Escape From Reality saga; will have Parts 1-4 indicated in titles)

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz- When a tornado strikes her farmhouse in Kansas, young Dorothy is lifted to the magical world of Oz where she embarks upon a perilous journey to find her way back home. 2009. Ensemble cast. Tin Man. [complete]

Unauthorised History: The Killing- Four men have rented an upstairs room in a tavern to have a "meeting". Sometime later, a violent commotion is heard, and only three of the four men come out alive. The coroner rules that Christopher Marlowe, contemporary of William Shakespeare, was killed in self-defense. One man is not so certain, and he's determined to uncover the truth, no matter where the trail leads. 2010. Ensemble cast. Robert Poley. [complete]

Television Series

Halo- Aliens threaten human existence in an epic 26th-century showdown. 2022. Ensemble cast; antagonist. Vishner Grath. [complete]

Jamestown- 1619. Alice, Verity, and Jocelyn are among several women arrived from England, duty-bound to marry the men who have paid for their passage to Jamestown. Also arriving from England are Governor Yeardley and his wife Temperance, who will quickly discover the difficulties in both running the settlement and preventing a Company Secretary from undermining his position. 2017-19. Ensemble cast. Virginia Company Secretary Nicholas Farlow. [complete]

Torchwood- The members of the Torchwood Institute, a secret organization founded by the British Crown, fight to protect the Earth from extraterrestrial and supernatural threats. 2006. Ensemble cast. Dr. Owen Harper. [in progress- Seasons 1 & 2 posted!]

TURN: Washington's Spies- Long Island farmer Abe Woodhull bands together with a group of childhood friends to form an unlikely group of spies, The Culper Ring, who turn the tide in America's fight for independence. 2014-18. Ensemble cast. Major Edmund Hewlett. [complete]

Torchwood Audios

Corpse Day- PC Andy Davidson is very excited. It’s Corpse Day – the day when the local constabulary get help on dead cases from Torchwood. This year, he’s volunteered to act as liaison, and he knows he’s going to have a brilliant time. For Dr. Owen Harper, today’s just like any other. There’ll be bloodshed, screaming and murder. At the end of it all, he doesn’t care. After all, life’s just for the living, and he’s long dead. 2017. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

Gooseberry- Andy has a girlfriend. She's called Caite, and she's utterly lovely. And then she meets Owen. Owen finds out that Caite has a secret. One that he's desperate to understand. But the more he discovers, the more dangerously close to Caite he becomes. What's going to happen when Andy finds out? 2021. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

Iceberg- Dr. Owen Harper gets a call from an old friend in the middle of the night. She's got a ward full of coma patients, all of them checking in with a dead relative as their imaginary friend. Is it mere coincidence, or have they discovered a bridge between the living and the dead? 2020. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

Lease of Life- 3 bed, 1 bath, shared house in a vibrant area with easy access to Cardiff city centre. Has a real lived-in feel. Note to interested parties: There is a small spreading mould issue, and an investigation is being undertaken on site. Those worried are advised to contact the Council's Mould Expert, Dr. Owen Harper. 2021. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

The Hope- Megwyn Jones is one of the most hated women in Britain. She used to run a home for troubled children in an isolated part of Snowdonia called The Hope. For a long time there were rumours about what was happening there, and then one day it was realised that the children had gone missing. The years have been long and hard, but now Megwyn’s dying, and she’s agreed to go back to The Hope, to reveal the horrible secret she’s kept all these years. 2019. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

The Last Beacon- A signal in a Welsh mountain is calling an ancient battlefleet to Earth. Owen Harper and Ianto Jones head up into the Brecons to stop it. The problem is - Ianto really loves camping. Owen? Owen does not. 2018. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

The Three Monkeys- Andy Davidson's been ordered to watch over a local businessman, and he's suprised when Owen decides to tag along on the stakeout. Andy knows it can't just be coincidence- Owen knows something- the businessman's attracted Torchwood’s attention. Tonight, the two of them are going to take him down. But will luck be on their side? 2020. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

Torchwood Special: Believe- The Church of the Outsiders believe that mankind is about to evolve, to reach out into the stars. Owen Harper believes that Torchwood has to do whatever it takes to stop them. Mature content. 2018. Main cast! Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

*This post will be updated as I find more content. **Quality may not always be the best due to age and/or limited availability. Will do my best to clean audio/video up, and will hopefully be able to find better quality replacements in time.

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

fixed it

* * * *

THE HARRIS-WALZ CAMPAIGN HAS FLIPPED THE SCRIPT

TCinLA

Aug 16, 2024

HARRIS HAS FLIPPED THE SCRIPT

Now that we are less than three months away from election day, some consensus is forming in the polls. As a reminder, state-level polling has some variabilities and inconsistencies, but polling today might be better than months ago. All the same challenges still exist, so take it with a grain of salt.

The one big consistency across all polls is voter movement toward Kamala Harris. A wave of battleground state polls shows Harris leading Trump in critical states like Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania, Arizona and Nevada, and tied in Georgia.

This week, the Cook Political Report found Harris’ success in closing the gap is driven by her consolidation of the Democratic base, and increased support among independent voters.

In May, in the five-way horserace including third party candidates, just 82% of the voters who supported Biden in 2020 were committed to voting for him this November. Harris is now getting 91% of those voters. Among independent voters, Harris leads Trump 48% to 40% in the 2-way head-to-head. In May, Trump led Biden among independent voters by three points - 41% to 38%.

The script has been flipped.

Even though Harris is the sitting incumbent, she is unburdened by what has been.

56% of battleground state voters say she represents a chance to “turn the page of the Trump/Biden era;” 59% see her as representing a “new generation of leadership.” Even though she may serve as Biden’s vice president, she’s winning Biden-Trump “double haters” by 30 points - 54% to 24%.

Harris’ ability to quickly and decisively win over those double haters is a reminder that the 2020 Biden coalition was more anti-Trump than pro-Biden.

The corporate media is big mad at Vice President Kamala Harris because she isn’t letting them define her before she can define herself to the voters. She’s only been too busy to play obsequious with the media and they are not happy.

The elite corporate media is used to calling the shots, being the ones who choose the candidate who “wins” a debate. They are used to being the gatekeepers and the referees, with all of the power.

But not anymore.

When CNN’s Jim Acosta asked Harris-Walz communications director Michael Tyler when they will commit to a press conference, Tyler said they were crisscrossing the country with rallies and their priority is engaging voters. He said Harris would sit down before the end of the month, but when pressed to commit to this week: "We will commit to directly engage with the voters. They're actually going to decide this election."

The media just got put in their place by the Harris-Walz. The campaign’s priority is speaking directly to the voters, not through an intermediary. And certainly not through a bad intermediary with an agenda who has their thumb on the scale to advance the interests of their owners.

Six days ago, Donald Trump held an hour-long "press conference" in which he lied 162 times - better than two lies a minute.. The media would very much like it if the Democrats would now put on a show. Perform! Entertain! For them. Not for the voters. They don’t care what’s going on in rallies they won’t cover, because the rallies aren’t about them.

The media wants a certain kind of press conference and interview. One they can pick apart and lord over. One that gives them their power back.

But if there is value in a press conference or a moral imperative to hold them, that obligation is two sided. The candidate holds a press conference to submit to a time-honored tradition of being asked questions by the media for the purpose of helping voters get to know the candidate for the greater purpose of democracy.

Today, the legacy media is comprised of the self-centric New York Times, owned by the Sulzberger family’s DNA failure, and the Washington Post, led by a Murdoch-trained executive editor.

Politico is now owned by a far right German tabloid owner who has a decades-long record of bending journalistic ethics for right-wing causes, and asked his executives to “pray for Donald Trump” in 2020.

When Warner Brothers Discovery CEO David Zaslav - who controls CNN - was asked who he supported for president, he wouldn’t say; but he did say that he wanted a president who would allow him to engage in more consolidation by lessening regulations - in other words a president who would do basically the opposite of what President Biden has done.

Much local media is owned by hedge-funds. A huge swath of local TV stations are owned by far right Sinclair Media. Then there’s Faux Snooze, the actual Murdoch owned media destroying this country.

These media only don’t care about democracy, they consider democracy an obstacle for them. So when they behave like they are pro-fascism, believe them.

When Kamala did make herself available for questions from the press gaggle after a campaign rally in Arizona, the first - and only - question was how did she feel about Trump mispronouncing her name.

That kind of shallow stupidity is why she isn’t kowtowing to these otherwise-unemployable morons.

There is no pro-democracy argument for Kamala Harris to do an interview with this media. In fact, there is every reason to suspect that doing it would only hurt the pro-democracy movement.

The script has been flipped, and the corporate media doesn’t understand what happened.

Commenting on Morning Joe today, GOP pollster Frank Luntz said of Republican women in his focus groups who now plan to vote for Kamal Harris, "Harris reminds some men of their first wife. Donald Trump reminds women of their first husband's divorce lawyer.”

In the meantime, “Fat Elvis impersonator” Donald Trump may be getting the old band from 2016 back together to revive the past glory from his first – and only successful – presidential campaign.

Amid reports that Susie Wiles and Chris LaCivita - the nominal heads of the 2024 Trump campaign - suspect longtime adviser Kellyanne Conway might be making a play to take over, Trump brought back his 2016 campaign manager Corey Lewandowski today.

Lewandowski was removed from a top post with a pro-Trump super PAC in 2021 after a donor's wife, Trashelle Odom, accused him of making unwanted sexual advances towards her at a Las Vegas charity dinner; he was later charged with a misdemeanor.

Tara Palmeri, senior political correspondent for Puck News, reported today that "Lewandowski told allies over the weekend that he was coming back as a campaign chairman essentially a layer above Wiles and LaCivita. This comes as Trump, superstitious and nostalgic, wants the team that helped him win in 2016 back."

Other Trump aides and allies who are joining the campaign include Tim Murtaugh, communications director for Trump’s 2020 campaign, along with Alex Pfeiffer and Alex Bruesewitz, a pair of top officials with the MAGA Inc. super PAC, whose leader Taylor Budowich already left to join the campaign in a senior capacity.

“As we head into the home stretch of this election, we are continuing to add to our impressive campaign team,” said Trump co-campaign managers Susie Wiles and Chris LaCivita in a statement. “Corey Lewandowski, Taylor Budowich, Alex Pfeiffer, Alex Bruesewitz, and Tim Murtaugh are all veterans of prior Trump campaigns and their unmatched experience will help President Trump prosecute the case against Kamala Harris and Tim Walz, the most radical ticket in American history.”

They’re whistling past the graveyard of those who ever believed Donald Trump is not the monster he is.

Vanity Fair's Gabriel Sherman reports many former Trump backers are bewildered by the way he's conducting himself, and they believe it seems like he's trying to deliberately lose the 2024 presidential race. Others, however, believe Trump cannot get over the fact that President Joe Biden dropped out of the race and that he now has to face off against Vice President Kamala Harris.

Trump's allies have had an impossible time warning him against making self-destructive attacks on Harris. "Trump’s advisers have implored him to launch policy attacks on Harris instead of using juvenile nicknames like Laffin Kamala and Kamabla," Sherman writes.

Even longtime Trump confidant Roger Stone is among those who want Trump to change tactics. He told Sherman, “I do think it’s counterproductive to call her stupid.” Trump has rejected his team’s advice. According to the Republican close to the campaign, Trump tells his advisers: 'I know what I’m doing.'"

In the course of yesterday and today, Trump attempted to hold “press conferences” about economic issues, and in both events went off into whining about having to run against Harris and how the 2020 election was stolen from him. He demonstrated his complete lack of political self-awareness by holding a conference about food people can no longer afford to buy at his country club in Bedminster, a location none of the people he claimed he was worried for would ever be able to show up at. During 90 minutes in his fake Rose Garden at Bedminster, America got to watch Trump deteriorate in real-time as he went so far off the rails that he spent 15 minutes ranting about the criminal cases against him at a press conference that was supposed to be about economic issues. These press conference disasters are campaign ads for Kamala Harris.

In the meantime, Trump’s VP running mate, Corporal Six Months In An Air-Conditioned Trailer, has now posted polling negatives that exceed those of Sarah Palin in 2008, posting a net negative 9.3% today.

The good news in all the MAGA nostalgia for a past that never was is that a significant proportion of the MAGA Baby Boomer dolts, dweebs, morons and idiots we had to put up with in high school 60 years ago, who only continued their downward trajectories in all the years since we left them behind, are no longer around to lower the national IQ as they did in 2016 and 2020. I read recently that something around half of the Class of ‘62 are no longer here.

[TCinLA]

[heavenboy09]

Happy Birthday To The Hottest And Most Bodacious Geeky Nerdy Bad@$$ Actress of Many Favoritable Movies and Shows of the 21st Century. The Awesome Latina Wonder Woman👩🏾🇵🇷🇨🇺🤎🧡 herself.

She is an American actress. She made her feature-film debut in the 1995 independent drama Kids. Her subsequent film roles include He Got Game (1998), Josie and the Pussycats (2001), Men in Black II (2002), The Rundown (2003), Rent (2005), Sin City (2005), Clerks II (2006), Death Proof (2007), Seven Pounds (2008), Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010), Unstoppable (2010), Zookeeper (2011), Trance (2013), Top Five (2014), Zombieland: Double Tap (2019), and Clerks 3 (2022). Dawson has provided voice-over work for Disney/Marvel, Warner Bros./DC Comics, and ViacomCBS's Nickelodeon unit.

Rosario Dawson was born on May 9, 1979, in New York City. Her mother, Isabel Celeste, is of Puerto Rican, Taíno, Cuban and African ancestry. Isabel was 17 years old when Rosario was born; she never married Rosario's biological father, Patrick C. Harris. When Dawson was a year old, Isabel married Greg Dawson, a construction worker. Isabel and Greg moved into a reclaimed building on East 13th Street after being approved as members of an affordable housing plan. The family later moved to Garland, Texas.

As a child, Dawson made a brief appearance on Sesame Street. At the age of 15, she was discovered on her front-porch step by photographer Larry Clark and Harmony Korine, with Korine deciding that she was perfect for a part he had written in his screenplay for the controversial 1995 film Kids. 

Dawson had several roles in film and television adaptations of comic books. These include Gail in Sin City (2005) and Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (2014), Claire Temple in five of the Marvel Netflix series (2015–2018), and providing the voices of Diana Prince / Wonder Woman in the DC Animated Movie Universe and Space Jam: A New Legacy and Barbara Gordon / Batgirl in The Lego Batman Movie. In 2020, she portrayed Ahsoka Tano in the second season of The Mandalorian and The Book of Boba Fett, and stars in Disney+ original series Ahsoka. In 2021, she had a recurring role in the Dwayne Johnson autobiographical comedy series Young Rock and a main role in the Hulu miniseries Dopesick.

I always thought she was Afro Latina. Oh well

PLEASE WISH THIS MOST AWESOME & BAD@$$ LATINA AMERICAN ACTRESS OF MANY FORMS OF ENTERTAINMENT & HOT NERD 🤓 🔥

A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🎂 🥳 🎉 🎈 🎁 🎊

YOU KNOW HER

YOU SEEN HER MOVIES 🎥 , TV APPEARANCES 📺 & GEEK OUT ON SUPERHERO FILMS 🎥

& SHE IS STILL RADIANT TO THIS VERY DAY

THE 1 & THE ONLY

MS ROSARIO ISABEL DAWSON👩🏾 🇵🇷🇨🇺🤎🧡

HAPPY 45TH BIRTHDAY 🎂 🥳 🎉 🎈 🎁 🎊 TO YOU MS. DAWNSON👩🏾🇵🇷🇨🇺🤎🧡 & HERE'S TO MANY MORE YEARS TO COME

#RosarioDawson

[thelooniemoonie]

Look at how far we've come (Happy 25th birthday to me!)

I'm gonna put some of my thoughts under the cut here, so if you wanna hear me reflect or get personal for a second feel free to scroll past. (CW: mentions of suicide, and other dark topics)

I'm writing this the day or so before queuing this so by the time you read it it will be my birthday but I'm writing this on like. Wednesday

And...well? I guess I'm turning 25? I know it's technically a big milestone because it's like 25% through your life or whatever, but it feels....kinda weird? Like, "oh, I guess I'm turning 25."

I don't quite know how to explain how I'm feeling. It's not necessarily bad? I know we live in a world that puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on age and getting older, but i don't really care about that kinda stuff like getting grey hairs or wrinkles. But this is a new feeling.

It's more like....the feeling of realization once you reflect a bit. A lot of stuff has happened over the past few years, but once you actually turn and look back all of the events you lived through, you kinda realize how much you've grown. Going step by step, day by day, and only realizing once you turn around that you've climbed an entire mountain.

Back when I was 12 years old, I attempted to kill myself.

At the time, the future felt like a dark fog with nothing ahead in sight. I was living in dangerous abusive conditions with my father, severely depressed, and actively spiralling with my own identity, let alone my place in the world. The future was nonexistent.

Now...when I reflect back on that period of my life, it feels like worlds away now.

(Also don't worry if you're reading this and feel concern for me, I haven't felt any suicidal feelings in practically a decade now. I'm sure as hard things may seem sometimes, I genuinely am miles away from that headspace and do not intend to hurt myself in any way.)

It's kinda weird knowing back when I was younger (which isn't that long ago, to be fair) that I already felt like my life was over. Like I just wasn't gonna get into university, I was gonna drop out, I'm gonna have to navigate the entire trajectory of my life in that deep fog.....

.....and now realizing where I am? It's weird. Like I didn't plan for any of this. I should be dead. I'm just winging this entire thing.

But.... it's also realizing that I'm gonna be fine.

To be perfectly honest, this year has been kinda rough for me. While I don't talk about my personal life too much on here I was pretty miserable the first 4 months due to getting screwed over during the start of my Masters, plus not seeing my irl friends for a while hasn't been ideal either. (I also feel kinda shitty complaining about these things in general, as I'm well aware these kinds of opportunities are things not everyone is able to get, and I know there's friends and others that have it worse off than me, so I just kinda keep that shit to myself)

But I've also come a long way haven't I? I've managed to graduate in the middle of a pandemic, managed to land a job helping the covid pandemic in my province, got my drivers licence, made memories with the ones I love and meeting new people, slowly becoming more independent and now doing climate change research for my Masters degree? It's...something.

It's kinda the feeling of your world being very small, like a tiny space where the fog obscures anything outside your view, and slowly it fading away and your world getting bigger. Like sure I can't 100% see the future, but it's important to reflect on knowing what that world was like before.

I wish I had something poetic here or a message or life lesson to articulate my thoughts. But that doesn't really work here. (I'm also being careful to focus on positive aspects of my life here, as it wouldn't really be great to focus on the more negative aspects, like that time I almost died again (this time not on purpose, I promise) in a car crash in 2020 or a really bad breakup I had with a group of friends. But I suppose that's just life, isn't it? You really get a wide variety of experiences, good or bad)

I can't really say my life is 100% improved at this point either, things still aren't perfect as I'm still living with my mom, a closeted queer, and I'm sure there's a lot that I still need to learn and considering, the uh, well (vaguely gestures at all the current events going on right now) stuff....going on........there's still a lot of work to be done.

Dandelions in the spring. A shining moon on a dark night. The first seedling after a forest fire. Fading scars. Light from a birthday candle held in your hands, carrying wishes in the wind long after they burn out.

Hope, I guess.

Anyway if you read this far here's my official adult™ tips from my experience:

If you wear jewellery that tarnishes quickly line a bowl with tinfoil shiny side up, place jewellery in the bowl with equal parts baking soda and salt, and pour boiling water over everything and leave for 5 minutes

Invest in a cushion that supports your tailbone. You have no idea how many office chairs have shit ergonomic design.

[justinspoliticalcorner]

Walter Einenkel at Daily Kos:

Vice President Kamala Harris’ campaign should be happy with new polling from Gallup, which shows Democratic enthusiasm among its highest ever—and Republican enthusiasm lagging far behind. The poll, which was fielded Oct. 14-27, finds that 77% of registered Democrats or Democratic-leaning independents are more excited than usual to vote, just above 75% in 2020 and 76% in 2008. Compare that to Republicans, though: Only 67% of Republicans or Republican-leaning independents are more excited than usual.

Gallup also finds that Democrats are more likely to vote before Election Day, writing:

[Democratic voters continue to be significantly more likely than Republican voters to cast early ballots. Currently, 63% of registered voters who are Democrats or Democratic-leaning independents have already voted or plan to vote before Election Day, compared with 47% of Republicans and Republican leaners. The 16-percentage-point Democratic-Republican gap is similar to what Gallup measured in the 2020 election (74% for Democrats and 56% for Republicans). Before 2020, Republicans and Democrats were about equally likely to vote early.]

Which makes sense. The Republican Party has sent its voters mixed messages about early voting, promoting it at the same time they denigrate it. And who is to say that some of those Republican early voters aren’t wives of MAGA-brained lunatics and casting secret ballots against one of the most misogynistic political platforms in recent memory? Part of that gap in enthusiasm might be because while Harris has continued to campaign on creating a better future for voters, Trump has mostly spent his time telling MAGA crowds that the United States is a “garbage can.” He stokes fear and anger, and along with the election-fraud lies being peddled in the right-wing media sphere, it generates the opposite of enthusiasm.

More good signs for Kamala Harris's chances of winning: Democratic enthusiasm is at its highest since Barack Obama's 2008 election.

[psychopacifist-rm]

I’m a free man right now. I can use internet whole day, manage my time, go and just… buy the food for me and me alone. I can be sure that nobody will dig my bags and pockets anymore, nobody will control every my step, nobody will drag me out of the shower or burst into my room at night.

Am I happy now?… well, I can say so. But.

Even if I try to bury my past 10 feet under, it has reminders. Mostly it’s music, but can be a smell, a lightning or a weather, even just a sound. On my old phone I found about 234 photos of the same thing: the view from my window, which was the gap to the outer world, when I didn’t need to go to school or drive on a backseat somewhere I didn’t want to go.

And the thing that scares me is that sometimes I miss isolation. I was alone in a room 1x2 in a constant fear and hunger, but I had a whole galaxy inside. No internet, just a Bammes book and a bare rough sketchbook. Time always was slower. Nothing hurt more than now.

My happiest year was 2020, when I made my first steps into independence and tried full-time internet for the first time. That was so new, and I found that perfect balance between exploring something outside of my district and having a strict schedule.

Now I came to conclusion that I don’t miss isolation itself. I miss younger me. That fella, who never knows his diagnoses, that was hungry, but still could bear it, that had no so much responsibility. For himself, but for the whole world as well. Never knew that he came through something bad and that was not the worst. Even appearing on the global internet I feel that I need work on the limit of reality, because if I miss a day, people are stop being interested. Not gonna lie, I’m always trying to get attention only with my arts and stories, because I really want to leave only art in this world and disappear as a person forever. That’s my meaning of life - to give all my time, energy and soul to my characters until I become transparent.

Why I’m telling you that?… I’m grateful that you’re still reading. Maybe I’m trying to be more open minded, maybe I’m trying to share, I don’t really know. There are two ways: to be fully honest or to be fully silent about yourself as a person.

[pandoramsbox]

Sci-Fi Saturday: Five

Week 29:

Film(s): Five (Dir. Arch Oboler, 1951, USA)

Viewing Format: Streaming Video (Amazon)

Date Watched: 2022-02-11

Rationale for Inclusion:

Late in the runtime of last week's film, The Thing From Another World (Dir. Christian Nyby, 1951, USA), as part of a monologue trying to convince his fellow occupants of the Arctic base not to destroy the carnivorous plant alien that has already drained the blood of multiple scientists and sled dogs, Dr. Carrington (Robert Cornthwaite) concludes his plea for the importance of the pursuit of knowledge at all costs with, "We split the atom." At which point, one of the airmen, Lt. Eddie Dykes (James Young), cuts in with, "Yes, and that sure made the world happy, didn't it?" The sardonic quip stops Carrington cold.

In 1951, only six years had passed since the United States had deployed atomic bombs in Hiroshima and Nagasaki, in August of 1945. Whilst news of the destruction and atrocities were initially slow to spread, by the time the film takes place the scientists and airmen in The Thing no doubt knew the horrors inflicted upon Japan. Furthermore, the Soviet Union had detonated its first nuclear weapon in 1949, and the Cold War was very much underway.

With this cultural context in place, it follows that the post-apocalyptic film would make a comeback in the 1950s. Rocketship X-M (Dir. Kurt Neumann, 1950, USA) featured a post nuclear disaster society on Mars, but this survey has not featured a film where the central narrative is built around people trying to survive in a post-apocalyptic world since natural disaster film Deluge (Dir. Felix E. Feist, 1933, USA). So when I encountered Five (Dir. Arch Oboler, 1951, USA) described as the "first to depict the aftermath of an Earthly atomic bomb catastrophe" whilst perusing Wikipedia's science fiction cinema list, I knew it was an essential film to view.

Five was an independent film written, directed and produced by Arch Oboler, a successful radio dramatist who followed in Orson Welles' footsteps in transitioning to filmmaking. Oboler had directed three films prior to Five, and to keep costs down on the production the cast featured relatively unknown working actors, the crew was recruited from recent University of Southern California graduates, and the primary filming location was a Frank Lloyd Wright designed guest house on Oboler's Malibu ranch.

Reactions:

With its limited cast and locations, Five is dominantly the kind of no frills character study that would become more commonplace during the 1960s. It is simply and competently made with aesthetics that may remind modern day audiences of episodes of anthology television series, like The Twilight Zone or The Outer Limits.

As implied by the title of the film, the small cast of characters includes five people: the pregnant Roseanne Rogers (Susan Douglas Rubeš), white everyman Michael Rogin (William Phipps), the aged bank clerk Oliver P. Barnstaple (Earl Lee), black everyman Charles (Charles Lampkin), and supposedly affluent adventurer Eric (James Anderson). Roseanne's sex and Charles' race become sources of drama, mostly because Eric exhibits a behavior described decades later by sociologists as "elite panic."

Lee Clarke and Caron Chess of Rutgers University coined the term in a 2008 journal article, in which based on available research and case studies of disasters from the 1950s through 2001 they determined that the source of panic in these scenarios was not the general public devolving into a mob, but by elites, fearing that their power and wealth would be violently stripped from them by a mob. Clarke and Chess specifically identify three relationships with panic that occur during disasters: elites fearing panic, elites causing panic, and elites panicking. My introduction to this concept came via an episode of the podcast Behind the Bastards recorded during November of 2020, when amid the COVID-19 pandemic and stress around the presidential election having a reminder that the majority of people are inherently giving, caring, communal creatures was a huge comfort.

In Five, after an initially violent encounter, Michael and Roseanne band together for survival, with Oliver and Charles later joining them. They compassionately deal with Roseanne's pregnancy and Oliver's mental dissociation and decline from radiation sickness amid their limited resources. Oliver's dying request to visit the nearby ocean results in the old man having as peaceful a death as available under the circumstances, and the discovery of a man washed ashore, Eric.

The injured Eric's explanation for how he survived the atomic bombing is bizarre compared to the banality of the others' explanations, who were shielded from the blast via being in an elevator, lead-lined hospital x-ray room, and bank vault, respectively. Instead Eric was actively climbing Mount Everest alone when a blizzard stranded him. When he made it back to basecamp he found other climbers dead. On foot and via abandoned conveyances Eric had made his way back to America, encountering no other survivors along the way, just dead bodies.

Eric's journey in its entirety sounds highly unlikely, but at first only one aspect utterly defied my credulity: who climbs Mount Everest alone? Mountaineering is not a pet topic of research for me, but I know enough to know that no serious climber attempts Everest without guides, frequently members of the local Sherpa community. "What happened to his sherpa?" I demanded aloud when we got to this point in the film. "Did he eat them?"

Given that Eric is gradually revealed to be a greedy opportunist, in retrospect his story may have been nothing but lies. It seems more likely he was in the United States the entire time and leapfrogged from one pocket of resources and survivors to another until he ended up washing up on the beach. Regardless of whether he actually was a billionaire or not--and the film does nothing to disprove his account--he nevertheless has an elite mentality: trying to hoard resources (including Roseanne) to himself. 

Eric is the sociopathic evolution of the wandering rapists from Deluge, and ultimately serves the narrative role of Michael's doppelganger. Michael may have initially tried to sexually assault Roseanne, but spends the rest of the film making up for that feral moment. Eric is predatory and ends up becoming a murderer in the course of the narrative; after being banished by the others, he goes back to steal supplies and kills Charles when he is caught. Michael is spared having to also become a murderer by the reveal near the end of the film that Eric has radiation poisoning and likely does not have much time left. The film makes it clear that Michael is a good man, and deserving of being the new Adam of the post-apocalyptic world.

Roseanne earns her new Eve status in part by being the token female, and in part because she is devoted to her missing husband until she finds definitive proof that he died in the bombing. Her dedication to her husband and baby are all that is needed to qualify her as a good woman. 

Unfortunately, her newborn dies for reasons of narrative convenience. Apparently it was too much to ask for Michael to be father to a baby he did not conceive. Instead it ends with Michael and Roseanne left alone. Despite the tragedies and threat of radiation sickness lingering, Five closes conservatively and reasonably optimistically: life will go on.

Before I wrap up, I would be remiss if I did not spend more time discussing Charles. His presence is itself a progressive act, given how the casts of most mainstream films surveyed thus far have been all or mostly white. However, he is introduced in a subservient role to an old white man, and spends the remainder of his time in the narrative as a litmus test to show who is the superior white man to repopulate the world: Michael or Eric. The notion that Charles might be a candidate for Roseanne's mate is never so much as suggested. For all the indignities Charles suffers throughout Five, he at least is spared the trope frequently placed on black men of being the first to die. Overall, Charles is a minor step forward for black representation in science fiction cinema.

Five, on the other hand, is a solid first representation of the post-nuclear apocalypse narrative. Later films built on the premise, like On the Beach (Dir. Stanley Kramer, 1959) and The World, the Flesh and the Devil (Dir. Ranald MacDougall, 1959), would result in better movies, but Five deserves greater attention within the sub-genre.