#happy for anyone who figures themselves out through helpful personal insight through it

[ittybittybumblebee]

legitimate question. how and when do i get myself to accept that im neurodivergent. how do i let myself be that . i dont know how to. theres this inexplicable doubt in me and i dont even know the specific cause of it. i just cant fully ? beleive it even though everything i know says that yes i am

[ootahime]

analyzing every gojohime moment in the manga 😈

this series will probably have more than one part because tumblr only lets me upload ten images per post </3

warning: there are disgustingly long paragraphs in here and delusions

chapter 32

utahime’s first introduction!  akutami lets us know right off the bat that she thinks gojo is an idiot (so true).

chapter 32

i love the contrast between miwa and utahime’s reaction to gojo’s appearance.  

chapter 33

NAH BC TELL ME WHY HE WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO NOT GET HER ONE LMAOOOO!!  when he traveled overseas to meet with yuta, he picked up the tribal protection charms and thought to himself, “let’s get enough for the kyoto students as a gift since i am such a great and caring teacher, after all.  mmm, i should skip utahime to make her mad~”  this guy puts way too much effort into getting on her nerves.  his mind = utahime brainrot

chapter 33

she’s laughing at him here because he’s getting disciplined for being a lil shit.  i wonder...what would he say if he saw her laughing at him like that?  

chapter 33

this interaction between them is a little strange don’t you think?   i feel like over the years he’s learned how to pick up her mood based on the way she’s acting towards him.  you’re probably thinking, “well any person can figure out how a person’s feeling based on the way they’re talking or acting.”  yes, that’s absolutely true, but it’s kind of different with this.  she’s acting normal.  utahime has a rather indifferent expression on her face and what she says is spoken in a calm tone, but gojo still asks her if she’s mad at him.  it’s likely that he knows her well enough to be able to notice these subtle things.  even if she wasn’t actually mad at him, he was being considerate for a split second, then he went and said, “of course.  i didn’t do anything wrong and all.”  what a guy LOLOL.  to me, this implies that maybe he made her genuinely angry in the past to the point where he realized that he went too far, and thus decided to be more careful of her feelings.  she has definitely gotten annoyed at him so many times after that so whenever she seems angry, he probably asks himself if he took it too far.  i’m curious to see if he can pick up if she’s upset with something that’s not involving him.  would he console her?  how does gojo satoru console someone?  

despite him always annoying her, she’s still courteous and brings him a cup of tea during their talk.  she didn’t have to go out of her way to get tea for him but she did.  that’s the kind of person utahime is.  a kind and caring woman who would never put her students in danger.  in the anime they were sitting far away and not facing each other like they’re doing in the manga.  she also has her own tea cup.  i think that little panel of her placing the cup down on the table and him picking it up to take a sip is a nice little detail.  it just proves that her hating him most of the time isn’t actually pure hatred but annoyance because of his shenanigans and teasing.

chapter 33

i touched upon this a little bit in my previous post, but i wish to go more in depth about this panel.  first of all, he ends the sentence with her name twice.  two times too many, mr. gojo.  i like how they can be serious with each other too LOL.  i wish we got to see them talk about the traitors because they did figure it out together after all.  does it always end in bickering?  can they interact with each other like adults all the way through?  somehow, i feel like that’s not possible when it comes to these two.  furthermore, notice how gojo confides in utahime about his suspicions.  from what we know, she is the first person he brought it up to.  i mean, i guess he has to start investigating the schools and would need extra assistance to save time, but he could have done it himself if he really wanted to.  by deciding to ask for her help we know that he thinks she’s trustworthy, smart, and strong enough to face whatever considerable risks this task may entail.  

i didn’t point this out in my other posts but see how he makes a hand sign in the last panel when she throws the cup at him?  gojo is manually activating his infinity.  why though?  about a year after the whole star plasma vessel incident happened, gojo develops the ability to keep his infinity up at all times by using the reversed curse technique to consistently heal himself to prevent exhaustion.  this means that it really makes no difference whether he leaves it on or off.  there are a few times where we can witness someone actually touching gojo.  for example, yuuji giving him a hug.  did he turn his infinity off, or was it able to deduce that yuuji was not a threat?  the erasers and pencils shoko and geto threw at him during his demonstration of his new ability aren’t dangerous normally, but is it the speed that makes them dangerous?  even if it did hit him, it wouldn’t hurt.  how does the infinity know when to allow an incoming object to touch gojo?  i believe it is up to gojo himself to let things touch him; his infinity restricts anything and anyone.  some people say it could just be the fact that water is not dangerous to him, so therefore, he has to manually put his infinity up.  i thought this was a reasonable explanation as to why he put up the hand sign when the tea was thrown at him, but then i realized that it couldn’t be.  remember the second opening?  it’s raining and everyone is carrying an umbrella, then it pans to gojo with a bouquet in his hand and rain drops slipping off his infinity.  if he DID manually put his infinity up to prevent getting soaked then that implies that he chose to turn his infinity off.  you can argue and say that jujutsu high is a safe place with students so there’s no need to have his infinity there, but do you remember when he stepped on the ants in front of gakuganji and yaga?  the ants were perfectly fine after which insinuates that his infinity prevented his shoes from crushing the ants.  he most likely had his infinity on during the baseball game even though he was in a safe environment.  how does this long tangent relate back to utahime?  well, it simply indicates that gojo trusts utahime so much to the point where he can be vulnerable around her.  turning off his infinity symbolizes completely letting down his guard  in a way.  

how about what happens next?  utahime throws the tea at him, he turns on his infinity to deflect it, and he responds with, “scary!  hysteric women aren’t popular, you know!”  why would he even say that LMAO??  utahime doesn’t even try to deny what he said either.  she just hits him with the good old, “i am your senpai!”  could it be that he’s trying to poke fun of her relationship status?  maybe, maybe not.  doesn’t he like people a lil crazy?  he did say that all jujutsu sorcerers have to be a little crazy because they’re willing to put themselves in danger constantly.  

chapter 0 p.1

i wonder who he’s thinking of when he said that.  could it be utahime?  it seems like he’s reminiscing or thinking about someone.  he wears an amused expression on his face as he laughs - almost like he’s seen his fair share of how scary women can get :>>

chapter 34

the pattern behind gojo and utahime is called yagasuri “fletching,” a traditional japanese design.  this design is inspired by arrow fletching.  it's a lucky charm for weddings and other celebrations since it's based on the Japanese belief that an arrow shot once never comes back.  brides were given kimonos with this pattern for good luck during the edo era (1603–1868) to ensure they would not have to return to their original family home.  this pattern can have numerous meanings such as steadfastness or determination to achieve a goal, or a wish for the happiness of the bride.  there is a belief that a bow and arrow represent the fight against evil.  honestly, this meaning fits the narrative of the story.  utahime and gojo are unearthing the traitors that are feeding intel to the curse users and cursed spirits.  they are in the middle while the kyoto students surround them, which could mean that it’s their job as adults to protect these children from the grasps of evil slowly making itself more prominent.  do you also notice that the arrows are pointed toward utahime from gojo?  from all the images i’ve seen, the arrows are usually pointed downward.  what could this mean?  is gojo trying to protect her (in the future (?)) or does he have a big fat crush smh...

i think it’s a good time to mention utahime’s clothing.  she’s wearing miko attire.  miko are shrine maidens who were once thought to be shamans (you connecting the dots?).  in their service to shrines, miko used to perform spirit possession and takusen (in which the possessed person acts as a "medium" (yorimashi) to communicate the divine will or message of that kami (god) or spirit; also included in the category of takusen is "dream revelation" (mukoku), in which a kami appears in a dream to communicate its will).  this was back in the old days, of course.  to become a miko back then (shaman), one needed to have potential.  neurosis, hallucinations, odd behavior, and hysteria (HYSTERIA HELLO???) are some of the signs that a person is being called to shamanism.  when a miko is communicating with a kami (god) or spirit by acting as a medium, she is in a trance-like state, and so she must learn techniques to control herself when this happens.  chanting and dancing were used to accomplish this, so the girl was taught melodies and intonations that were used in songs, prayers, and magical formulas.  all of this could give us insight about utahime’s technique and explains why she’s good at singing :)  maybe she can’t control herself when she uses her technique which is why she isn’t shown using it because it should be used for dire situations.  i imagine being possessed by a spirit or god must consume a lot of cursed energy.  it makes sense that utahime and gakuganji wear traditional clothing.  they’re the staff of jujutsu high’s kyoto branch.  in chapter 0, kyoto is known as the sacred land of jujutsu.  it’s more traditional compared to tokyo.  if you want to learn more about miko, you should check out the wikipedia page!  

chapter 34

i swear he tries to annoy her every chance he gets.  i bet he sets a goal for himself to see how many times utahime lectures him about respecting his seniors every time he’s within the same vicinity as her.  at least he called her utahime-sensei!!!

chapter 40

this isn’t even a gojohime moment tbh...i just wanted to share a pic of them sitting next to each other HEHE.  why are they sitting next to each other anyway?  it’s not like they have assigned seating.

----

that was so long and i apologize for the gargantuan paragraphs you guys had to read through.  i’m writing this at 4 in the morning and i’m feeling borderline delirious so i apologize if there are any errors.  i’ll edit this when i have time <3

the next part should come shortly.

[yeowoui]

Pick A Card: Future Spouse - Remarkable Traits about them

Disclaimer: These are general pick-a-card readings, therefore it will not resonate with everyone that reads it, for entertainment purposes only, remember that you're the one that decides in the end, these pick a cards are meant to be advice and insight in your life, the reader has no responsibility in anyone's decisions.

Instructions: Breath in, and Breath out, focus on the given pictures, ask yourself and your higher self the question, you are free to choose more than one pile, pick the one that FIRST catches your attention, not the prettiest one, but the one you think that pulls you in, and that will be your pile.

Pile 1

Smile - They have this relaxed and fond smile that shows so many emotions in them, whenever they smile, it exposes all of their feelings, may be it they're happy, or sad, a smile from them speaks hundreds of words

Sacrifice - They're the type to sacrifice everything or let themselves suffer just for the good of others, they want to fulfill their loved one's happiness first before theirs, they would love to treat themselves and fulfill their desires, but seeing their loved one's smiling faces fills their heart more.

Passion - They're very hardworking, passionate for their goals, they never give up, especially for love, they chase their goal until they get it, they love to express their love for you, and they never get tired of showing it in many different ways that they can

Bluntness - They're not the type that cuts your heart with their words, they're just very direct and good with their words, they always know what to say, I can see them being the one that their friends go for advice, they may be in a job where they're in public speaking or always speak, for some of you, they're an activist.

Pile 2

People Person- They're someone that is well-loved by the people around them, they may be an extrovert too, they talk really well and they catch everyone's attention, they're very goofy and always laugh, there's something about their laugh that you like, they love to go to parties, they can be the class clown type of person, they can be also a person that cheers up everyone in a negative situation.

Creative- They're a person who has great intuition, they always have crazy ideas in their head, they're also the type to get random burst of ideas, they can be also intelligent for some of you, they're very innovative because of the environment rhey grew up in, they may grew up in a condition where they need to be innovative and think of ways to fix things.

Secretive- Although they're a very cheerful and someone that everyone likes, they barely have anyone to talk to and is kinda lonely, they have a lot of secrets and for some it may be a struggle for this person to talk about their feelings or personal problems, they prefer keeping it to themselves instead of seeking a person for help.

Pile 3

Struggles- They struggled a lot in their life, their childhood was no joke, for some of y'all they may be in a situation where they move places often, they were forced to be mature in life because of their struggles, they had to sacrifice their childhood for the good of others, for some of y'all they raised their siblings like they were their parents, for some they worked in a very young age to get money.

Hardworking- Very passionate in their dreams, once they put their mind onto something, they'll do everything they can to fulfill it, for some, they may play an instrument, likely the guitar, maybe they paint as a hobby or draw, or for some others, they do all sorts of things and have many many hobbies.

Lucky- Later in their life they won't struggle as much as they did in their childhood, luck always finds it's way through them, anything that they want to achieve they immediately achieve it, there a lot of people who will help them or will help them to succeed, many people have seen or will see their passion and ambitions, later in their life they would also travel often and experience many things they couldn't in their childhood.

Pile 4

Freedom- They're a carefree person, they exude so much feminine energy, for some of y'all they grew up in an environment where it's mostly women, they love staring at the moon, you'll have this feeling of being fresh when you're around them, a very pure soul, kinda child like at times, very adorable person, they're full of cuteness

Talkative- Now this may seems similar to others, but this one doesn't stop talking, they overshare all the time with other people, they're also very active in social media and babbles a lot, and they could go for hours and hours of talk, they post pictures of them a lot, for some of y'all they may be a model, they post a lot of pictures of their life, they may be a public figure or just a well known person in town.

Jealousy- They're easily jealous to everything, even their friends, they often sulk about it and feel like their alone, they may have abandonment issues lol, but if they're left alone too deep in sulking it's gonna be bad cause they tend to overthink and they hate feeling lonely, so they'll do all sorts of things to remove that feeling.

[matan4il]

Hello! I love your metas, they're always so interesting to read and you point out great things! I was wondering if you (or anyone) has ever done like a meta or comparison post on the hugs in 911? Like other couples hugs and general firefam hugs, vs eddieana hugs vs bucktaylor hugs and ultimately vs buddie hugs? I just think it would be a neat comparison that I'd love to see but haven't come across yet!

Hi lovely Nonnie! Thank you so much for the kind words, I'm so happy people like these meta posts! NGL, I always feel like everything I write is probably obvious, so my posts are redundant, which is why it's so incredible to hear that they do offer people new insights that they value. Thank you!

And that is such a great question! TBH, I don't think I've seen anyone posting meta about hugs, but then I have difficulty reading long stuff ever since my vertigo started, meaning I could have easily missed it... (also, my apologies for zero gifs/screenshots for this reply, I’m away from home and queuing my answers in the hope that this is better than me not answering for a while. I’m really hopeful I’m not wrong!)

It's funny that you asked about comparing 118/couples hugs to those of Eddie and Ana, since E/A haven't really had any hugs, have they? They had one moment of cuddling on the couch, where Chris came in, a subtle reminder of why Eddie was with Ana at all, and then we had Ana trying to find a way in while Eddie was breaking up with her and putting his arms around himself, a gesture which serves both as a wall, but also to self-sooth. The fact that she tries to be a part of that and fails points to how she's not a part of what can comfort Eddie, she never was. So neither instance is a proper hug and that in itself was already indicator of what's wrong with the two of them.

Taylor and Buck have had one hug so far. One, and even that one is more focused on his expression rather than on both of them, and we see that it's not a content or comforted one. It's in a slightly different way, but this hug says about Taylor something similar to what the last touch between Eddie and Ana said about her: she's not the person who can comfort Buck and make things better even when the situation isn't good.

Compare that with every hug we've ever had with the firefam as a group, with the established couples of the show, or even with Buddie themselves. This show is all about found family and those hugs are a way for 911 to express where its heart is: it's in the connection between these people and how those bonds can help carry them even through the worst that life can throw at us. Those hugs aren't just moments when we can breathe between the moments of pain and difficult calls on the show, they're what gives us the reason and the strength to go on facing all those moments. They offer real comfort and through that, they keep these characters moving forward even at the face of the greatest challenges...

But I really wanna highlight the Buddie hugs, especially the ones we see in 218 and 306. The latter happens right after Buck and Eddie have had their biggest crisis as friends, when they both felt alone and betrayed. And for a while there, because the whole lawsuit thing lasted a couple of weeks. Yet, the second that they can, these two pull together again, and they hug, and they freaking melt into the hug. Just look at their expressions and the way they fucking burrow into the hug. Buck is so big and he leans his whole huge frame into Eddie, he's clearly finding real comfort there. Even though not everything is fully resolved, as we later learn, the hug itself, this moment when they can bask in their bond, still offers them comfort that they sorely need, and if later they can figure things out, it's in part because that hug is a testament to the fact that they still have their connection, that despite being tested, it's as strong as ever.

And then we have the hug in 218 as well, the one where Eddie has just lost his wife and had to watch his best friend trapped under a truck, and Buck was that guy, and his leg is not yet recovered, he still doesn't know if he'll be able to get back to being a firefighter (when that is his life, as he has stated to Maddie), but their hug? A perfect moment of joy despite all that. One that offers real and profound comfort. And if you look at the way that each character on this show finds the most meaningful comfort with their partner, Buddie's hugs are another thing that seals the fact that they ARE each other's life partners, the ones that give the other one the most comfort and the strength to go on. GOD, THEY NEED TO BE MARRIED LIKE YESTERDAY ALREADY.

Thank you for the ask, lovely! I hope my ramblings were what you were looking for! Much love and many hugs ;) to you! xoxox

To anyone who sent me an ask, I am going through all of them, thank you so much for your patience! If you wanna check whether I've replied to yours yet, you can have a look at my ask tag. xoxox

[depressing-debbie]

Hey, I was wondering if I could get fluff alphabet headcanons for Erwin please?

Of course!! 

Look at me! Posting twice in one day!! If anyone has any requests lmk bc I actually have motivation I guess!

Fluff Alphabet: Erwin

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

He’s a big fan of both the traditional romantic dates, as well as more creative, personal dates. I think he’d want to go for a nice walk, tour a museum, or maybe go to the library/bookstore, or for a special occasion, a really fancy dinner with candles and everything.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

In terms of a physical feature, he would probably first notice his s/o’s eyes because he makes intense eye contact, and because he thinks you can tell a lot about a person from their eyes. But in general, he admires their spirit, and he thinks they’re absolutely stunning when they’re passionate about something, or when they’re focusing hard.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

He’s amazing at comforting his s/o, largely because he just knows them so well. He would be able to read what they’re feeling and know when they’re upset, first of all. He would probably put on their favorite movie or music, grab a giant blanket, and sit with them. If they want to talk, he has really insightful advice. If not, he’s content to just wrap his arms around them and physically comfort them. (which always works, by the way, because just try to name a single person who wouldn’t feel better after a hug from Erwin)

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

This man absolutely pictures the most simple, “boring” future with a nice house and a family, with family vacations and yardwork on Sundays. The idea of stability and calmness appeals to him so strongly, and even though he’d be content with just about any future that his s/o is involved in, that’s his dream.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

They’re equal when it comes down to anything important, but I think he’d lean towards being the more dominant person in the relationship. He’s a traditional guy, and unless it bothered his s/o at all, I think it’d make him happy to be the one to pay for dinner or make date night plans, that sort of thing. But again, they’re equal everywhere it actually matters.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Fights don’t happen often, but they can be a little bit intense when they do. If they’re arguing about something small, he’s immediately looking for some kind of easy compromise, which he’s excellent at. They only really fight over things that are especially serious. He’s too smart for his own good and he’s got impressive arguing skills, but he’s never setting out to hurt his s/o, just explain his perspective. Arguments can be heated, but they never last long, and again, they’re not common.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

I’m not the first person to point out that Erwin has a lot of self doubt, and his reputation has sort of brainwashed him into believing that he’s not deserving of good things. Because of that, their relationship surprises him all the time, and every day, he expresses to his s/o how much he appreciates them.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

He’s completely honest and open with his s/o. There’s no reason for him to lie, he wouldn’t want to hide anything from them. And on the off chance he screws something up, he would rather work through it with them beside him then hide and deal with it on his own. 

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

Like I said, he has big issues with his image and self worth. His s/o and their relationship are slowly helping him to recognize that he does deserve to be happy, and they help him to become more optimistic (whether they realize it or not). On the other hand, I think he would be committed to helping his s/o recognize their own worth and importance in return.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

He’s not a jealous person in general, although he does get a bit protective. The only time he would interfere is if he can tell his s/o is uncomfortable or annoyed, in which case he’s more than willing to step in and scare the person off. But again, that’s more out of concern for his s/o than actual jealousy.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Just look at that man and tell me you don’t think he was a good kisser. Probably a bit more reserved, especially for their first kiss, but still surprisingly passionate? Like he’s trying to physically portray how much he cares about them, if that makes sense. 

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

He definitely thought about it for a little while before hand, not because he was nervous or unsure, but because he wanted to make sure he said it in a meaningful way. He definitely set up a special little date, like a picnic or a dinner, and even prepared a short little romantic speech, and it was very sweet. 

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

He would LOVE to get married. If that’s not what his s/o wants, that’s perfectly fine, and he’d be happy to find a different way to express their commitment. But marriage sort of feeds into his idea of that perfect, stable future, and besides, he would jump on the opportunity to show his s/o how much he appreciates and cares about them. He’d come up with the most romantic, slightly elaborate proposal, probably not something public, but very grand. And of course, not much would change once they were married, but he would relish in that perceived sense of routine and stability.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

Again, being the traditional guy he is, he’s big on traditional, slightly old fashioned nicknames. Mainly, it would be “angel”, but also “darling” or “love” (it’s very sweet).

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

He’s pretty reserved about his feelings publicly, so it wouldn’t be obvious to outside people. People close to him might notice that he becomes a bit more optimistic and laughs a bit louder. With his s/o, however, he’s totally transparent, and he tells them over and over how much he loves them. Not that he has to, of course, because his body language makes it pretty obvious to them as well.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Definitely not big on PDA. He’s upfront about their relationship as long as his s/o agrees, it’s not something that he would want to hide. He’s fine holding their hand in public or wrapping an arm around them, but not really anything more obvious.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that's beneficial in a relationship.

He’s a surprisingly good dancer? Like, ballroom dancing. When one of them has had a stressful day, they put on old music and slow dance in the kitchen (it’s so romantic).

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

He’s so romantic!! If you haven’t already figured it out, I really think he would like some of the traditional cliche romantic gestures, like roses or a candlelit dinner. But he’s also really creative, and he’d plan gestures that relate to his s/o’s interests and such. 

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

He absolutely supports his s/o in anything they do, and he believes in them probably more than anyone else. He knows they will succeed in anything they put their mind to, and he takes it upon himself to offer help and support, doing whatever he can to help them reach their goals. It makes him actually really happy to see them setting big goals because it shows that they are choosing to believe in themselves, and because he loves seeing that they are passionate.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

He’s more a routine kind of person, he likes the stability and comfort in some level of repetition. With that being said, he’s also definitely open to being adventurous, so like trying new restaurants or traveling together, so it would probably be a mix of both.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

He’s incredibly understanding, he just knows his s/o so well. Erwin has very strong observational skills, and he learns pretty quickly how to read their emotions. He does sometimes have trouble relating to their issues, but he will always sympathize and comfort them, even if he can’t understand it. 

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

His relationship is really important to him. Obviously, he’s pretty work oriented, so there genuinely might be some issues there if the two start to clash. But he also actively prevents that from happening, making time for both because he cares about his s/o SO much.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

He really likes watching documentaries with his s/o. Learning about something new and interesting, and being able to share that experience between the two of them, makes him happy. And when he gets really into the topic, his s/o can see the excitement on his face, which is really cute.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

He comes across a bit cold in general, but he’s actually very affectionate with his s/o. Especially when he’s stressed or upset, he just wants to curl up with them and forget about outside pressures. I also very specifically think that giving his s/o a quick little kiss would be part of his morning routine before they part for the day.

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

He misses them when they’re gone for a while, but he just throws himself into his work until they’re back, which he doesn’t mind at all. He’s busy, and his s/o probably is as well, so it’s unfortunately not unusual for them to go a little while without seeing each other. They always make up for it with an extra special date night afterwards, though.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

He’s a strategist at heart, so of course he’d be willing to put in the effort and come up with ideas on how to keep their relationship strong. I wouldn’t be surprised if he comes up with literal written plans when it seems like they’re a little out of whack.

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

My church friends say tarot is inviting demons into your head, but people on the internet seem to communicate with their gods through tarot. I struggle with praying and hearing God, and i thought maybe tarot could be a way to communicate with Them, but my irl church friends seem VERY adamant that this is a bad idea. One of them told me about this woman they knew who was possessed and she could never be happy and there was a shadow over her. I'm confused and a little lost. Do you have any insight on this?

Phew. I think your friends genuinely believe what they are telling you and are coming from a place of care, but it also sounds like they don’t know much about tarot. I trust folks who actually make use of tarot to tell me what it’s like! 

All the people in my life who use tarot cards (or oracle cards, etc.) do so as prayer tools to connect to the Divine -- the way other people use crosses, icons, prayer beads, prayer books, and so on. Some of them don’t even think anything particularly supernatural is taking place when they use the cards -- it’s how they internally interpret what they draw that gives the cards meaning.

One of my friends whom I interviewed on my podcast is a Christian witch who kindly did a brief card reading for me! It really helped demystify the whole thing for me. 

Scroll down to episode 20, “Sacred Body, Sacred Space” on this webpage and fast forward to 61 minutes in (or scroll to near the end of the ep transcript) for the reading Taylor did for me, which includes their explanation of what card reading brings to their spiritual life.

Here’s an excerpt from the episode where Taylor explains where tarot came from and how it centers around storytelling (you’ll notice there’s nothing about demons or hell or any of that!):

“Reader’s Digest version, the tarot specifically started as a storytelling game. So let’s think D&D but with cards. So we’re coming up with stories -- we’re pulling cards, we’re coming up with stories, we’re telling stories, we’re sharing in community and narrative. 

So that’s how they started. They’re rich in symbolism. And they’re divided into two decks: the Major Arcana and the Minor Arcana. The Major Arcana are these sort of big symbols, these big archetypes or big events that would happen in one person’s life. And they’re all numbered; they go zero to...20? 21? But it starts with the Fool, and the Fool is number zero, and so the Fool is before anything starts. And the Tarot is the Fool’s journey through life. 

And the Minor Arcana are basically like a regular deck of cards with suits: there’s cups, wands, pentacles, and swords. And they all relate to -- they all have their own symbolism. ...

So, how I use them in my own life is to engage with that symbolism to gain clarity on my current space and to gain affirmation and confidence.

And I use a pendulum, and the pendulum basically, it goes in a circle and you can ask it questions, and when it swings back and forth towards you, it means yes, and when it swings side to side it means no. I use the pendulum to pick the cards.

A lot of tarot readers will have you pick the cards, or they’ll pick the cards themselves -- what I believe is happening is that I’m communicating with a person’s guides, spirit guides; I’m communicating with their angels and I’m communicating with divine energy to pick the cards that work, that are -- oh actually, first card is for you. [*sound of cards moving*] There we go. And I go through the deck, like, one by one to pick cards. ...

_______

If you are interested in trying out tarot or oracle cards, go for it! You won’t be welcoming “evil forces” into your life -- there’s nothing in these decks that require you to do that at all. Invite God into your use of the cards, and They will guide you. <3

That being said, it's possible that your church friends aren't going to come to see things this way. You might want to keep this something between you and God, at least while you're still beginning -- or find some online community to journey with.

________

Does anyone know of a good website, video, etc. that offers a good intro to tarot, especially if from a Christian perspective? 

Or are there any folks who use tarot or oracle cards who’d be willing to help anon figure out where to begin if they reach out to you?

[trashlie]

I'm loving all your ILY posts! I've also seen your comments on reddit and I enjoy reading your insightful analysis there, too. I would like to know your thoughts on Kousuke and Alyssa. Do you think they will become narrative foils? I noticed they were acting awkwardly around each other too (it kind of reminds me of how annoyed Soushi reacts around Maya) and she seems to have a crush on him 👀 I think she'll be used to contrast how he's still capable of redemption. 1/?

I mean Yui groomed them both successfully. They have shown to emulate her behavior, value their reputation over other people's feelings, and refuse to take accountability for their actions against Shin Ae and Nol. But unlike Kousuke, Alyssa has shown no hint of remorse or even guilt. 2/?

Waaahh thank you so much, anon! Isn't it silly that I still go :O when I realize people actually enjoy what I have to say? I started yelling into the void on tumblr because I got worried I was too active on reddit and I was possibly annoying people lmaooooo so I'm actually really glad you're able to find me on both platforms! It means a lot that I'm not just yelling into a total void.

If you don't mind, I'm breaking your ask down into two parts, because I might leave somethin off/this will get too long if I keep it all in one lol. BUT you bring up things I love to think about!!!!! So!!!!!

I think we are deliberately kept in the dark about Alyssa - whether it's to subvert the scheming girl trope, I'm not sure, but there's a lot of things we don't know about her and that's definitely on purpose. She's a character who probably won't be revealed more to us for a while yet, too, which is frustrating if only because I want to know everything NOW, but it does serve to make her more interesting.

Alyssa's interest in Kousuke is so obvious I can't believe I never noticed it in my original reads. I've seen this brushed off as "She just admires him" and I'm just like... she actually sulked for a moment about Kousuke leaving! Meanwhile she was straight up all but telling Nol she'll help him pack his bags lmao.

I feel like the cast of her shadow is deliberate, too, but look at that face. Sulking.

Compare with

There's room to argue that we can't see Alyssa's face when she first tells him she won't stop him, but she kind of makes it abundantly clear that Nol being away doesn't really affect her. And, I mean, look at how their relationship is conducted. She's bragged to Meg that she and Nol are so casual and cool and easy breezy.

(I guess that means there ALSO is room to argue that Alyssa is putting on a front and just saying this to make sure people think her relationship is great, but the only People who know is Meg. And as a people pleaser, if Alyssa felt uncomfortable with the casual nature of her relationship with Nol, wouldn't she actually do more to make the relationship more of what she wants? Notably during the conversation on the balcony, she basically tells Nol this isn't really her dream relationship, which leads to the admission that they are together not for each other but for the benefits they each get so......)

Kousuke is the one who confuses me the most, because it strikes me as really weird that Yui has used Alyssa as leverage before against Kousuke. "You should bring a date, Kousuke, Alyssa will be there." What does this mean? What does it have to do with him and why would it entice him to bring anyone, anyway? I'm still really baffled on this one, tbh. Something that really stood out to me was during the dinner when Nol finally revealed he was planning to attend Oxford, Kousuke was distracted by his own news that the CFO position would be opening. In fact, when Nol mentions attending Oxford later, Kousuke seems to act like this is his first time hearing it.

Nol takes note of Kousuke's state of distraction before he finally starts talking about his plan.

The way quim does the dialogue and suddenly Kousuke's interest returning is.... interesting isn't it? From the moment Nol notes Kousuke's disinterest, we don't see his face again until Rand brings up Alyssa. Quim doesn't do anything without reason - in a movie, you wouldn't waste film on Kousuke's interesting returning at the mention of Alysa unless it meant anything, right?

There's so many little moments that make me go what the heck is going on here, too.

What the heck is up with THIS? Why does Kousuke deliberate SO LONG before he calls Alyssa? Like, do I think he's really so weirded out about calling his younger brother's girlfriend, considering he has one of his younger brother's own friends reporting on him and at his beck and call? You can't convince me that he's hesitant only because Alyssa is the sister of Meg. It just seems too wary.

And yes, this moment here?

It really does have the same tone as Soushi's wariness of Maya, except is Kousuke wary of Alyssa in the same way? Is he wary of her intentions? This one is so hard for me to read, because frankly, at this point it's hard to tell if Kousuke even cares about Nol as a brother or because he was forced to and he feels deep-buried remorse for the way he treated him and doesn't know how to handle it. Is he just aware of Alyssa's keen interest in him and that puts him on edge? Would he even care about Alyssa's keen interest unless she starts to get pushy?

I HONESTLY HAVE NO IDEA and frankly, it drives me nuts, so I love to discuss this and see what other people have to say. I'd never even noticed how long he deliberates before finally calling her until someone on reddit pointed that out.

lmao this so much preamble to get to the point but anyway YES they are absolutely parallels and I do wonder if they would become foils. Again, it's hard to know with Alyssa because we've been deliberately shielded so much of her personality right now and it's hard to tell what's real and what's not with her. The way that she worries about Shinae telling Nol what she did absolutely reads to me as a lack of remorse, but maybe I'm just projecting because we haven't been given much reason to like her lol. Shinae definitely makes it seem like Alyssa never actually apologized and the way Shinae just brushes it off makes me feel like there was never actual, proper closure. What Alyssa did is worse than just causing her injury: it was why she did it and how she reacted like Shinae was something dirty and how dare she even talk to her even though Shinae probably just wanted to know why Alyssa stopped being friends with her. Maybe she was even seeking closure at the time.

In the same way that Nol and Shinae are mirrors, Kousuke and Alyssa are their parallel abusers, grooming victims of Yui, those who care more about their image and reputation than anything else and have hurt others (Nol and Shinae) in their quest to fill the role. We still don't know if Alyssa dated Nol because she genuinely had a crush (doubtful so far) or because she figured out the family he's from and wanted to get closer. I try so hard to give her the benefit of the doubt but narratively we aren't privy to that yet. Also, have you noticed that Nol and Shinae both have a relationship of some kind with each others' abuser? This mirror and their parallel abusers thing is INTRICATELY woven.

That's what makes it so difficult to tell if she'll become a foil or merely a parallel that highlights what Nol and Shinae have been through. We know Kousuke will receive a redemption arc, because he's a main character, and also because I think part of subverting his trope is that he has to take responsibility for his past actions, rather than being loved in spite of the things he's done or whatever. In order for Kousuke to proper and develop further, he has to be held accountable and he has to break free of his family. Can we trust the same for Alyssa? At this point, she doesn't want to lose Nol because she knows if she loses him, she can just as easily lose her career and access to the world she's only just gained access to (and if she were to lose it all right now, it would be worse for her because she'd have all those trainee fees to pay back).

I think both Kousuke and Alyssa are likely in for a very public airing of their sins; for Kousuke it may come in the form of the expose YuJing is working on, collateral damage in the quest to take down Yui. I also think the only way to nudge Kousuke to change is that his image has to take a hit in some form. Is it that Rand isn't his father? Is it a reveal that he abused his brother? Is it whatever happened in the past that Nol got in trouble for was caused by Kousuke and he let Nol take the blame? Likewise, I think the fact that people knew Alyssa in middle school means she's not so safe, either; what if one of the girls from after school duty reveals what happened? Surely there were rumors going around school about what happened - Shinae is out of school, Alyssa is pulled from school, kids talk. Frankly, a scandal like that could ruin her career, and worse, if Nol knew what she had done, would he be able to remain shackled to her?

While I know Kousuke won't immediately take responsibility for his actions, I've always believed that such a catalyst would at least make him start thinking about it and force him to admit it. It wouldn't happen over night, but in time it will. But will Alyssa? Would she deny the allegations? Would she just shift blame, insist that it was all an accident, that it wasn't bullying like you think? (Cos look, I do believe it was an accident, but there's a way to call it an accident and still admit fault and blame; but just as easily you can call it an accident and try to shirk responsibility.)

I do love the idea of her being a foil for Kousuke, an Aesop's fable, if you will, of what happens when you barter with the devil (Yui). I'm not opposed to the scheming female character type, but I do oppose it when they take down others to raise themselves up, and if that's the way Alyssa will end up doing it, then I'll be happy to watch her fall. If she can scheme and use her connections without hurting people then hey power to ya. Unlike Alyssa, Kousuke never had a chance to evade Yui, and being able to walk away from her as an adult will be a choice he can make. Alyssa loses... so much if she breaks her deal.

I guess that's the thing about where she and Nol are in their relationship now - it's been made clear he's hanging in here because he's forced to and as a sort of act of self-sabotage, full well knowing she's here because she's taking advantage of the opportunities that "dating" him brings so... if they're in an agreement, is it okay to watch her climb right now? She leaves me conflicted and I know it's largely because she's one of the characters we know just enough to hate but so little to justify. Could it be that it all just got out of hand for her? At first she just wanted friends, was trying to find a place to belong, something good in a life that deprived her of social connections. And then comes along Yui, seducing her with ideas of fame and fortune? Was the desire to be loved and admired so strong it powered over the need to fit in with friends and she readily cast them off? Did she not anticipate what it would actually mean, thought she could have her cake and eat it, too? The way she responds to Nol's texts, and the fact that Dieter and Soushi ask him about her, means she probably isn't even in touch with them at all anymore. Idk, I really look forward to seeing their dynamic pre-idol Alyssa, because I want to know how she fit with them, what was it like?

And then, because this was supposed to be about foils lmao you have the fact that Shinae basically foils both Alyssa and Kousuke in regard to Nol, both as a person who cares about him and also as "a good friend" vs "the person I'm currently seeing" lmao like, everyone is literally set to juxtapose each other and man, I'll never get over how well this has been done lmao. Compared to Kousuke and Alyssa, Shinae is the one who accepts responsibility even when it's difficult, who knows when and how to swallow her pride (even if she's not the one who should) and I think it's why she is the one seen a the champion at Nol's side - they are the ones who care little for their images and who know how to apologize (even when they aren't the ones who should be) and that's why they are at each other's sides.

So yes, this is a very long essay response lol to essentially say: I'm still undecided if I think Alyssa will become a foil or merely remain a parallel. I would love to see her redeem herself but something tells me not all characters in this story will be redeeamable. Maybe one day we'll understand her motivation, even if we don't agree with it. I hope at the very least she makes peace with Shinae, but I get the feeling she'll be forced into it (as in, her secret gets ousted) and that's not as satisfying, but hey, if it helps Shinae then I'm for it.

A friend of mine has mused that maybe Alyssa will be the one to oust the secret herself and I'm ngl, I like that idea though it does feel kind of vindictive towards her character. Maybe accidentally spilling it to Nol would be the segue to a couple episodes from her POV though!

Gosh this was so long I'm so sorry lmao but please follow up with your thoughts and feelings, too, or if this made you think of anything or what! I think at this point in the story we've been given a lot of information but we just don't have enough of it to totally piece together what we're supposed to be seeing. I think Kousuke and Alyssa's weirdness around each other is very deliberate, though, and I'm not sure "She's Meg's sister" is enough to warrant so many panels of Kou being SO WEIRD about her, you know? Am I missing thing? Is there more to be revealed? Are we just blind? lmao Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh

[nevertheless-moving]

This Crackship has Inspired Me

inspired by this by @maulusque which is the funniest star wars ship i’m somehow only learning about just now.

Palpatine listened with the same idle half attentiveness he always reserved for Skywalker’s ramblings about his wife, smiling and nodding genially at the appropriate intervals. At least his rants about blasted Kenobi or his monstrous little Padawan yielded tactical insights into the Jedi Order’s weaknesses. 

There was very little he could do with ‘shine of Senator Amidala’s hair’ or the ‘brilliance of his speeches.’ Of course, he always found something to use but there was an awful lot of nonsense to sift through.

“...I still can’t believe she married me. I don’t know if I’ve ever been more...” Skywalker trailed off.

“You deserve every happiness, my boy.” Palpatine said kindly.

Anakin looked down, a shadow falling over his face. He stared into his drink.

“What is it?” Sidious pried gently.

Skywalker hesitated. “Can I tell you something...and can you promise not to...think to badly of me for it?”

Palpatine leaned forward, disguising his keen interest behind a reassuring ‘genuine-warm-smile.’ “Of course, Anakin. I couldn’t lose my confidence in you anymore than you could lose yours in me.”

The anxious Knight took a fortifying sip of Soulean brandy before leaning forward and confessing in a low whisper, “I was happy of course during our wedding- but- more than that- I felt. Satisfied. Victorious. I mean.” Skywalker took another gulp. “Jedi aren’t supposed to get, you know, possessive of people. And slaves...its complicated.” 

“Whatever you say, I promise it will never leave this room.” Palpatine encouraged him with his best grandfatherly-tone.

“On Tatooine...” Skywalker’s voice was barely audible, and Palpatine had to restrain himself from shaking the words out of him. The boy typically preferred not to discuss his most easily manipulated vulnerability.

“In the slave quarters...the most valuable thing a person can own is themselves. And even if you can’t be free- you can choose to have a different master. It’s not- it’s not the most common form of s-secret marriage. Or even the most approved. It’s actually a little taboo.”

Skywalker hunched in on himself and Sidious kept his face gently neutral.

“But- I remember feeling so good when I won that podrace. I earned something important and it was me who did it. And this was better than that. Padme- she didn’t even love me that much at first - I think I was always going to let her have me, if she just asked. It was one of the first things I thought when she walked in- It was one of the first things I thought when anyone wealthy looking came in the shop, ‘what if they buy me?’ And she was so clean and beautiful and I thought that if it was her maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. But somehow I won her and she chose to bind herself to me. So...we both kind-of have each other but-”

Skywalker dropped his head in his hands.

“It’s probably wrong- I know it’s wrong- but winning her? A smart, headstrong, gorgeous person who should by all rights want nothing to do with me- I don’t think I’ll ever match that sense of victory. Of power. No matter how many battles I win or enemies I destroy. And- that’s what I felt during my wedding.” 

Palpatine leaned back, impressed despite himself. He had always despaired over the boy’s seeming lack of desire for power for its own sake. But that was almost...poetic. He had never been much for ‘romance’ but he did very much enjoy when his enemies chose, under their own power, to play into his hands. Making that happen on such an intimate level... well he could almost see the appeal. 

Out-loud he said, “I think that feeling is perfectly natural, my boy. Nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Really?” Anakin said, pathetically hopefully.

How to phrase this...

“I myself enjoy a sense of, well, power, over others. From time to time. Of course, I know its not the same, but when I manage to pass a tricky piece of legislation the feeling of winning over another often personally overshadows my anticipation of the joy my work will bring. It’s perfectly normal and harmless. It’s not as though that feeling of victory over another diminishes the good my actions do. And you and the Senator are so very good together. Don’t let shame yourself for a...harmless bit of perceived darkness.”

He clasped Anakin on the shoulder and the idiot beamed back at him adoringly. 

Long after the evening ended and his future Apprentice departed, Darth Sidious sat in his office musing.

A simple probing into an exploitable flaw had revealed a dimension of power Palpatine had, shockingly, never considered. Sex was enjoyable, but ultimately not a priority. And rape was one of the less creative forms of torture. But love- tricking someone into falling in love- earning someone’s absolute devotion- there was a certain appeal. 

Obviously he had sycophants by the score, but Skywalker had incredibly said it himself: ‘a smart, headstrong, gorgeous person who should hate him.’ Now that would be a triumph. And Senator Amidala even knew about her husband’s less traditionally tasteful sides! Anakin really had pulled off a bizarre coop, hadn’t he? His pretty face probably helped give the whole process a boost, but Sheev had a rather impressive amount of personal wealth in need of a new mechanism for display that should serve the same function. He decided to keep the matter under consideration.

A week later, during a briefing with Commander Fox- who he would decommission for the sheer number of senatorial secrets he possessed were he not proving so uniquely invaluable at suppressing food shortage riots- the idea reemerged.

It would tie up a number of loose ends if those secrets were wholly under my control- and there would be a delicious irony in having one of my most elegantly designed weapons choose to serve me so completely before the choice was taken away...

Palpatine was nothing if not patient, and decided to bide his time, carefully observing before committing any real energy or resources.

Another week after that, the Commander came in for another meeting, absolutely professional but clearly projecting the wincing sensation of a hangover as well as...nerves? The over-promoted clone was usually freakishly adept at maintaining natural mental shielding, but apparently the over-indulgence had weakened him. 

Throughout the briefing the nerves gradually hardened into determination before his typical mental walls came up to block any other easily-gleaned insights. Palpatine was intrigued.

After the conclusion of their scheduled business, Fox cleared his throat. “That’s a very...flattering robe you’re wearing.”

Palpatine raised a brow. The commander usually didn’t try flattery on him, not because it never worked, but simply because he seemed to find it beneath his skills.

“That’s very kind of you to say, Commander.”

“I can be very...kind. When the mood strikes me. And red is a very...striking color on you.” Palpatine blinked rapidly, genuinely shocked for the first time in quite a while. That was absolutely a suggestive tone of voice. Could his mere idle thoughts somehow have already manifested themselves?

“Oh?” Palpatine responded calmly. “I can’t say I knew that, Commander.”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me, sir.” He drew out the last syllable in a... new way. Typically when the Guard Leader said ‘sir’ it was either sarcastic, neutral, or inexplicably pronounced like a slur. This time he seemed to caress the word in a manner that wouldn’t be out of place in a bedroom.

Before Palpatine could think of how he wanted to reply, the clone bowed lowly and marched towards the door. At the exit he paused and pulled off his helmet.

Free of the vocalizer, his voice was much smoother, “And please, when we’re alone...feel free to call me Fox. Sir.”

“Thank you, Fox. Safe travels,” Palpatine called weakly as the figure slipped away.

Palpatine leaned back, grinning wickedly. Well. This was an interesting development.

[robininthelabyrinth]

Three Gates - on ao3 (for content warnings check Ao3) - on tumblr: pt 1, pt 2, pt 3, pt 4, pt 5, pt 6, pt 7, pt 8, pt 9, pt 10, pt 11, pt 12, pt 13

- Chapter 14 -

“I would like your advice on something,” Meng Yao said to his mother.

Meng Shi was wearing silk again, rich colors that suited her – she had fully recovered from the serious illness she’d had a few years back, something for which he would be forever thankful to Qinghe’s doctors because he knew she wouldn’t have made it if they were on their own –  and a fur-lined jacket that made her look especially comfortable. She finished pouring the tea and smiled at him.

“You do?” she teased. “Still, after all these years?”

“I’m never too old for your advice,” he said and kissed her on the cheek before sitting down.

The weiqi board in the corner was midway through a game, he noticed, and was glad: Sisi was terrible at weiqi, and the only other person who routinely played against Meng Shi was Nie Huaisang. Things between them had grown better as he’d grown older – he loved to paint, to play, to keep birds and raise flowers, and those were the things Meng Shi liked the most.

It was good to see them spending time together. Meng Yao hoped that Meng Shi could show Nie Huaisang how to forgive, and to remember how to be as carefree as he had once been.

After all, Nie Huaisang had taken up what had once been Meng Yao’s duties, during the war, all the intelligence work and strategy, the battlefield clean up and the politics, and it had left its marks. Indeed, if Meng Yao had been anyone other than Nie Huaisang’s dearly beloved brother, he would probably be the subject of a decade-long plan of utter obliteration right now, good motivations or not – in fact, he was pretty sure that Nie Huaisang had one already plotted out, and was still considering it an option if Meng Yao didn’t make regular deposits on the infinity of fans he apparently owed him.

(The brat wouldn’t take duplicates, either. Meng Yao had put in an order for someone to send him an entire ship’s worth from Dongying in the hopes that that would earn him a little credit. The relevant someone being Wei Wuxian, who was off exploring the world with Lan Wangji - possibly for no other reason than to get away from the rest of them all teasing them about the long and overly dramatic way in which they’d confessed their affections for each other.) 

Still, Nie Huaisang had forgiven Meng Yao, even if he hadn’t forgotten, and they were most of the way back to being as they had been before – which admittedly was closer than he’d ever been with Meng Shi, who Nie Huaisang seemed to treat as a casual acquaintance instead of a mother. He treated her about the same as Sisi, actually, and usually acted as if he thought Meng Yao and Nie Mingjue were his birth parents instead of his brothers.

And possibly Lan Xichen as some sort of rich uncle he could (and routinely did) extort for gifts.

(He still called him ‘pretty gege’, though he’d recently started up several debates – mostly monologues –  as to whether Lan Xichen ought to now be called ‘er-ge’ and Meng Yao ‘san-ge’ according to their ages, being that he was now part of the family, or if they should just all go ahead and get properly married already so that he could call him ‘sao-zi’ instead. They’d all collectively decided to ignore him.)

“Is it about those sworn brothers of yours?” she asked, lips curving up into a smile that was entirely unlike the practiced ones she had once used most of the time, a real one that was a little bit crooked, and that made it all the more beautiful in his eyes.

Meng Yao batted his eyelashes at her. “I will of course let myself be guided by Mother.”

She laughed. “I think it’s a good cover,” she said. Her eyes crinkled at the corners, now, and she didn’t try to hide it with make-up or anything else. Meng Yao treasured every blemish and imperfection. “You three can spend all your time in each other’s pockets, putting each other above everything else, and no one will question it – or, well, question it too much.”

“Let them talk,” Meng Yao said. There would never come a day when people didn’t whisper about him behind their sleeves, calling him the son of a whore, and nothing he could do, no matter how hard he tried, would stop it. He could only adjust his own thinking and ignore them, at peace in his heart with the knowledge that they were wrong about him. With the knowledge that he was better than they were or indeed would ever be.

Perhaps there was something to Lao Nie’s old exhortation after all.

“But do they have something to talk about?” his mother asked, arching her eyebrows at him. “You retire to the same room to sleep, but I’ve never seen any of you walking strangely the morning after – what are you waiting for? Actual marriage vows?”

“The sworn brother oath served that purpose,” Meng Yao said dismissively, just as he’d explained time and time again to Nie Huaisang. It was just as permanent, after all; they would be bound together in this life and the next, each name forever placed alongside the others in the annals of history. “And we’re just moving slowly.”

He’d explained, in the end, what Wen Ruohan had wanted, what Nie Mingjue was, what that meant; he didn’t want to keep it hidden and risk anyone later thinking that he was taking advantage.

He didn’t want to keep even one more secret from his lovers in this lifetime.

Nothing. Not even surprise parties.

Nie Mingjue hadn’t cared one bit about finding out that he was a furnace, because of course he didn’t; he was still an idiot after all these years. Lan Xichen, at least, had been rightfully alarmed – neither he nor Meng Yao wanted to risk harming Nie Mingjue by accident, no matter how much he argued that his cultivation was high enough that he wouldn’t even notice a setback, and anyway that he trusted them not to try to steal away from him.

Nie Mingjue had finally convinced them to try, the night after they’d taken the oath. Emotions had been running high, and they’d all fallen into bed together, their blood running hot.

It had been – an experience, to say the least.

Sex was pleasant, something Meng Yao knew intellectually from his days in the brothel and personally from the few experiences, male and female, he’d forced himself to have in order to ensure he didn’t have any demons in his heart on the subject. He’d been glad to confirm that although he liked it well enough, it wasn’t so good that he would become addicted to the feeling, descending into dissipation and cruelty the way his father had.

What they’d shared together on that night, however…that wasn’t just sex.

That was something he could become addicted to.

Meng Yao had insisted on a strict moratorium on any further activities until they could process what had just occurred, and it had been telling that neither Nie Mingjue and Lan Xichen had argued.

It had been mindblowing, a combination of overwhelming physical pleasure and emotional satiation, and then there was the spiritual ecstasy of cultivation – Meng Yao’s own cultivation, never especially strong, increased at an almost frightening pace for the next week, and Lan Xichen had confirmed a similar effect had occurred for him. Nie Mingjue’s cultivation seemed just as high as ever, unharmed, but obviously they had to do more research before they did anything else lest they accidentally cause harm to him somehow.

That meant they were back down to the basics, limiting themselves to rubbing up against each other at night and offering each other helping hands, given that Meng Yao and Lan Xichen weren’t willing to do anything together if it meant excluding Nie Mingjue – though recently they’d figured out that Nie Mingjue could narrate pornography without batting an eyelash with that frankly magnificent voice of his, and also that he liked telling people what to do (they knew that already, but still)…

They were going slowly. That’s how Meng Yao thought of it, and it was fine – he had no doubt that they’d figure out how to move to the next step sooner or later.

Sooner rather than later, given how quickly Lan Xichen was pouring through their respective sect libraries; apparently sexual frustration was a very effective motivator for him.

“If you’re sure you’re happy,” his mother said, and he smiled. “You seem to be. I’m glad.”

He nodded.

“So if it’s not about that, what do you want advice on? You haven’t needed to consult me on political matters in years. A-Sang would be better at that.”

“It’s not entirely political,” Meng Yao said, “though it’s not entirely apolitical, either, and don’t worry, I’ll consult Huaisang as well. Nevertheless, I wanted your views on the subject. You see, a rather complicated situation has arisen…I’ve been made an unusual offer.”

“An offer? A-Yao…”

“I know, I know,” he said, smiling. “Be careful of offers from strange men, especially bad men, and this is exactly that. But I still thought it was something worth considering. After getting the benefit of your insight, of course.”

“Well, then,” she said. “Now I’m curious. What’s the offer?”

He gave her the letter that he had received and drank his tea while she read it, her eyes going wide and then even wider.

“So,” he said, when he judged that she was done. “What do you think? Do I look like a ‘Jin Guangyao’? Or should I tell my father to go commit anatomically improbable acts on himself?”

“A-Yao…”

“I’m serious,” Meng Yao insisted. “This was always your dream, well before it was mine: whatever you decide, I’ll do. If you’d like for me to claim what should have been mine from the start, I’ll do it, though obviously if he thinks a mere name is enough to convince me to leave Qinghe in favor of Lanling he’s got a nasty surprise coming his way. But if you want me to tell him to his face that I’d rather be your son than his, I’ll do that too.”

He leaned back in his chair, and smiled.

“After all, I already have everything I want.”

- END -

[hillbillyoracle]

The Hermit Reversed: Navigating Involuntary Isolation

I'm not a big fan of the term "community reading" personally. I don't feel like can give a quality reading for just anyone who might read a given piece. Or at the very least it doesn't sit right with me, feels presumptuous. So I’m experimenting with what I think of as "tarot sermons" - filtering the lessons of different tarot cards or combinations of cards through other literature, media, and my personal experience. Let me know if you want to see more.

I'm working on a tarot devotional for the Hierophant at the moment. In writing this devotional, I've been thinking deeply about not only what the Hierophant is but what the Hierophant is not. That got me reflecting on what separates it from other religious figures in the Major Arcana, especially the Hermit.

Most don't seem to think about the Hermit as a religious figure. Most folks seem to emphasize their solitariness. But when I pulled up definitions to make sure I understood what hermit means, most of the ones I found denoted that hermits practice isolation as a religious discipline. This got me thinking about who religious practices are performed for - are they performed for the divine? are they performed for the benefit of a congregation? are they performed for the self?

As a lot of folks who follow me know, in late 2016 I began having intensely painful health problems. Over the next year they grew worse and I was effectively housebound. I left my degree program and searched for work that would allow me flexibility in hours and the ability to sit which proved near impossible.

As the months passed and people stopped replying to my applications altogether, I noticed something else - my friends had begun to disappear as well. Folks I had traded letters with for years suddenly dropped off, friends who had been happy to come over before stopped taking me up on my invitations, and many friends stopped replying to me on social media as well. To this day, I don't know what sparked the near total collapse of my social circle but it coinciding with the realization my condition was going to be chronic did not escape me.

I was very alone.

Part of what I turned to during this time was tarot. One way I found to connect with people was to offer tarot lessons. At the time I'd been reading cards regularly for about 9 years. Teaching people how to read the cards helped me feel like had value at a time when both friends and the institutions I'd been a part of had decided I did not. This blog was, in fact, originally a way to type of notes from the lessons I'd given a few students. I clung to it. It gave me a reason to wake up and at least jot down some notes in the morning at a time when I could do very little else. I started to see myself as the Hermit, toiling away alone in the pursuit of some deeper insight.

I wish I could say things changed, that I made new friends or my old friends came back but in actuality I'm still seeing the steady decline of my social circle. People get busy or they move away or they just straight up stop replying.

It doesn't bother me too often these days but this afternoon the dam broke.

I looked up on the fridge and saw that every Christmas card we had received this year was for my partner and something in me just snapped.

For those who don't know us personally, my partner invests very little into her social life and is still much beloved. She never really starts any plan but always seems to have an invite to something. Every year, despite the fact that almost no one I send cards to even acknowledges having received one, I try writing a newsletter, printing pictures, and sending off cards to as many people as I can. She'll assemble some too but it's largely an effort I spearhead.

So to see that not only had no one even texted me they'd received one, all the cards coming in were for her - it just stung deeply. The quiet "what am I doing wrong?" tape that usually clicks on when I notice our social circle inequities quickly became a very loud "what's wrong with me?"

Because when it comes down to it, I'm tired of being told not to take it personally, that people get busy and forget to say something. When you send 20 cards and get no response back, when 20 people are just too busy, it's tough. Like my own parents didn't even text and they're effectively retired. Because it's ever just that one time either. I've spent the better part of the last 3 years trying to find volunteer opportunities I can do and hit wall after wall. I tried to arrange something fun every few months for the first few years of being homebound and regularly had no one show up.

Isolation is never just once.

That's part of what had me reflecting on the Hermit as I was trying to sort through my feelings. Isolation, when chosen, is a discipline. Isolation, when inescapable, is a prison.

A Buddhist nun I enjoy listening to, Ven. Robina Courtin, often says "If you can do something, do something honey, but if you can't, what are you going to do?" She has used the example of a woman she once read about. The woman and her partner were hitchhiking. The person who picked them up then went on to commit a murder, and pinned it on her and her husband who were both sent to prison. The woman had the realization that she was not going to make it in her current headspace so she decided that she was a monk and her cell was where she would carry out her devotion.

I've often read reversed cards through the lens of getting stuck - how might the person in this card get stuck? I tend to read the Hermit reversed as someone who has gotten too focused on a pursuit or someone who is, to their detriment, determined to do something by themselves.

But it clicked for me that maybe another way to read reversed cards is what happens when someone is put in this role involuntarily? How does the issue they resolve result in the card in it's upright form?

For the Hermit reversed, what lies at the core is a painfully deep disconnection and the only way out of is acceptance.

As soon as I was able to calm down and started to think - "okay if this is my life, what am I going to do about it?" - so many paths began to appear. If things aren't working well with humans who are alive, maybe humans who've passed on would be more open to forming relationships. If humans aren't interested in being my friends right now, how can I befriend the birds that live in tree outside my window? Or the tree itself?

It as only through acceptance that I could broaden my idea of what a friendship could look like. I do think, at the end of the day, humans are fundamentally relational. But I'm less sold on the idea that we require human relationships to function. I think it helps for sure. But in their absence, other relationships are still available and a focus on human relationships can cloud out our relationships that already exist with our surroundings, the land, and our ancestors. This realization suddenly made me appreciative of the solitude and instantly I felt that sense of uprightness restored in me.

My relations don’t send cards, they send blessings. And I have proof of them.

So if you're facing something similar this season, where you're not only involuntarily isolated but near others who highlight that experience even more, I hope this can be catalyst for comfort. What does acceptance allow you to see that you never would have otherwise? How does that acceptance restore you to your full devotion?

[tarotchariot]

Return with past pick a card

Pick a card reading: Dealing with the hurt

“

This is a free pick a card reading for those going through a challenging or hurtful situation. I’m not certain how these will turn out, but I hope they bring some kind of clarity, peace or comfort to any of you. I understand that some may feel lost and almost begging silently for some help, yet not seeing anything to get advice or a sense of stability from again.

I will use 6 groups to choose from, believe it or not - simply because to me, 6 symbolises harmony and reciprocity. Please know that you are not alone, and something will find you in a wonderful moment.”

So moving on, please take a quiet moment and use your intuition (for example taking 3 deep breaths and clearing your mind, or envisioning a number perhaps)

And choose between the numbers 1, 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , or 6

____________________________________________________

Group 1 :  

Knight of water, The dreamer, Unity, 3 of air, synchronicity

Alright you guys, you had quite a few cards here. At first glance, it’s appearing like a new start is necessary. Maybe something didn’t go well at work or school, or what you thought was a solid and stable place has become uncomfortable due to someone in your vicinity.

It’s odd, it’s looking like someone wasn’t entirely truthful. The angels want to point out that there will always be light and dark.

Getting the vibe of feeling left out, not part of the group anymore. Or at least not feeling like you are. Maybe someone has literally excluded you or pushed you out because of something they see as “bad” in accordance to the groups beliefs or interests. I’m seeing a crisis of faith here.

There’s quite a few possibilities. I’m seeing, maybe for just one singular person that they have lost someone that mattered very much to them. I get such a playful and light hearted energy about the person. Whether you believe in life after death or not, if it were for certain a thing I could say one thing they would be saying to you, even now: Please laugh, have fun.There are so many things to be happy about.

There is a deep loneliness, and for that I feel for you, so much. Your Angel(s) are right next to you.

For others, feeling left out or excluded, most likely undeservedly. However, I’m getting the message that you are being guided to a new way of thinking and being, and to acknowledge that there is good and bad in everyone. No one is perfect, we each have our shadow. Please try not to take their treatment of you personally. It’s more to do with them, and not you. It is projection. It’s likely you have witnessed and seen who can be trusted and cannot. Run with that fact and hold the lovely one(s) close.

Those in this group are being guided extremely in the form of synchronicity. Please be on the look out for further advice, and insight through the following forms, and even more:

Music that really resonates Conversations you over hear Signs out and about Seeing a similar image many times Hearing the same kind of message similar times An idea keeps popping up in your mind Some of you may want to move forward with a creative project. It’s encourages as it will aid you in positively letting out your emotions. Not only that, it may be simple and overlooked, but simply by just spending time and being around any loved one or friend (not even talking directly about your situation) will give a small bit of peace and gratitude.

This is a signal of a new chapter, and you are guided to have the fun you are meant to have.

Hope that did somethin’.

-------------------------------------------------------------

GROUP 2: 

Queen of earth, Page of air, Ace of earth, The miracle of forgiveness

There seems to be an issue surrounding give and take. Queen of earth talks about kindness, practicality and nurturing. It could also symbolise a mother, or someone who has motherly energy.

With the theme of pentacles, the material, and page of air here who seems to have a wolf around them, I wonder if you have been taken advantage of in the material sense (financially, physically). And it seems you are very aware of this, since forgiveness is the crux, and the advice. It’s like the more you get, the more they take.

I’m seeing there might be debt as well. I’m seeing someone here who has had to uphold a whole lot. You’re the kind that can make things happen. I’m also seeing great resentment, and that doesn’t happen from just anything. Yes, I can’t help but see someone else having a hand in your finances and do whatever they like, or did that in the past. Wasteful. Basically - it’s not fair and it’s cruel, because there’s something here that I see that you want to do, but this is getting in your way.

I’m seeing a talent in you that is not to be wasted. Know that it cannot be taken away - it is yours, and god given, No one can truly take what matters. The comment I receive from the angels is that the abundance for you will always come. What is truly yours and needed will always find its way to you. I feel a very powerful solidarity, independence and ambitious feeling.

Your future is yours, not theirs. Not anybodies.

I would like to also say, that despite this, there really is actually love still there. Whether you want anything to do with them in the future is another thing. You’re asked to (in whatever tiny way you can) try and understand them. Understanding is the first step to forgiveness. And forgiveness opens up doors and new energy for you personally.

I recommend that you try and understand the truth of forgiveness, and not just what you hear or see on tv, This could become something that actually drives you further.

I really see you as such an inspirational and strong person.

That’s what I see for you, thank you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

GROUP 3: 

Page of earth, six of earth, awakening, eight of air, take time to breathe

So here there are themes of feeling trapped, having to wait, unemployment/difficulty finding a job or career and possibly even being taken advantage of as a student or in a low level job as a trainee. Off the top of my head.

Patience is a big note here. Something is not happening as fast as you would like here, and I can understand how scary/stressful that can be. You might be scared about your security or future here. I’m seeing that you have put a lot of effort into this situation. I’m also seeing that maybe you have felt alone as well, hints of valentines keep coming up.

I’m seeing that you might be under a lot of scrutiny/judgement, so I’m wondering if you guys have been suffering in terms of anxiety or being just plain down, or more. If you have been struggling with confidence or motivation or anxiety, I encourage you see a professional or join a support group/forum online. Even talking things out in a journal can release a lot of that pent up energy,

I’m sensing a lot of pressure that you may be placing on yourself, and I hear the angels want me to say “Darling” withsuch love and care. Please give your worries to the angels. They say they will take care of them. And will take care of some issues.

Oooh, I am truly seeing so many pent up emotions that they encourage you get out - if you have to scream at the ocean, or in a car, do it.

Get it all out, empty your mind for some quiet time, and just be.

You will see the appropriate solutions at the right time, and as a result of taking your mind away from its current habits, you will be so much more capable of seeing them.

Please, give yourself a break. The angels want you to see just how good things are in some ways, and how much you may be focusing too much on others.

Take some time and be willing to see things differently, things can change just that much. The angels want to say how much they love you and adore you, feeling much love for you here. I hope you can feel the peace they want to send you in this writing. And you are capable of so much.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

GROUP 4: 

King of water, The magician, Live your joy

With the king of water here, it’s showing you may be finding it difficult to trust people or life. What feels difficult here is that you may not be receiving the help or advice that you deserve and should be receiving as a default.

It might be showing that a paternal figure in your life is withholding themselves or even being manipulative. Basically, not being the role model they should be.

More than anything though, I’m seeing that you want to create something, something that really gives you joy, that truly speaks for you and is your honest expression. Which makes me think: perhaps there is someone who doesn’t like that. There is certainly an abrasiveness there.

For whatever reason, perhaps someone here doesn’t accept you, or your self expression, or whatever it is that makes you feel right.

When it comes to this, the answer is very simple. Choose to release those binds.

How, you ask.

2 things. simply practice this self expression or take part in whatever it is that you want - that will set the energy up. 2. raise your vibration. Do not involve yourself in the negativity, refuse to take notice of anyone elses expectations or judgements. in general have more fun, express gratitude, see the positive

Truly embrace whatever this is. If it has to be, let it be at night when others are asleep, and build your confidence. Change things bit by bit.

a few of you here may be psychic, or have a spiritual hobby or talent. Embrace this role, you are meant to be someone who spreads higher knowledge and support.

There’s someone I see that plain just doesn’t like change. But hey, since when did it have everything to do with them? never. This is you. The message I’m getting for you guys is: be proud. Be so darn proud of you. No one will ever be big enough to diminish you. You, in spirit, the divine part of you, will always be such a special and wonderful thing to behold. When you live your joy and your truth, you shine like no one else. Let this change you, shape you and gravitate towards joy no matter what this person, or people say. You can create the life you want.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

GROUP 5: 

Three of fire, ten of earth, express your creativity

I’m seeing some distance with loved ones here. perhaps there has been a quarrel, a falling out. Or perhaps a family member has moved a fair bit away. I’m feeling a family or community that was once warm, has experienced some kind of change that has left you feeling quiet, humble and retrospective.

if this is not family, it could be a group of friends that felt like family, or a job where you felt like a family with the team.

I’m seeing for sure for some, that there was a blow up and the effects are still rolling. You may feel as if the effects won’t end, but it appears you will be left alone in that way for the time being. It seems very much on your mind.

It is really looking like the aftermath of a big storm here, a sweeping change or an eruption from an argument that has separated two or more people. For a couple of you it might have been triggered by something very small. I’m seeing a lot of hurt here, true heartbreak. Please know that there will be peace. Things always calm after a storm.

No one seemed to be necessarily right or wrong, it appears to have been something that simmered in the distance for a long time.

All I can say is now, you are on solid ground and it’s time to calm down from it all. Something the angels want to put forward is that the strangest things happen, and we may not understand for the longest time, but it triggers the right change for us, or sets us on a certain route for our most divine path.

I’m seeing the universe, and its connections and paths that we all take, that as humans we couldn’t understand. I do see that one day, when you are comfortable and feeling at home, safe (which I promise you will be) - you will get the zap of a vision. How things worked out. Why. What it led to.

Moving forward I can see the suggestion of working as a co creator and envisioning how you want things to go. What do you want for yourself, or you and your family. What kind of connections do you want. Be as creative and imaginative, and extreme as you want.

The message I get from the angels, again and again, is calm. Take time to be calm, cool down from it all, take a rest, and feel your angel/guide next to you, supporting you and shielding you.

------------------------------------------------------

GROUP 6: 

seven of water, renewal, knight of earth, the inner voice

For some, I’m seeing being worried about the loyalty/faithfulness of another - the recommendation seems to be to look at the dedicated actions of the person. Do they display through action and practical means that you are their priority? (other than their purpose or work of course). Use this as an opportunity to both review if you feel you are receiving the level of dedication and care that you deserve and need.

Perhaps your person has been unfaithful in the past and you decided to give them another chance, but again, there is worry. There are too many factors that you may be holding onto from the past that have no part of the thought process you should be taking, or judging with currently.

So either way, it appears to be a time when you need to judge for yourself, are you able to trust the other or if this gives you what you need. Are you willing to go forward with it? Not just recklessly, not for the sake of it, but after great thought and deliberation.

For others, I’m seeing feeling at a loss as to what to do next in their life/career.I know all too well that this can feel scary and like a major crisis. Straight up, I can say from experience that the answers come gradually, and in a relaxed way in the right timing.

The guidance in both cases is to listen to your inner voice, your higher self.

I know, it sounds a bit annoying, or like it might not give you fast answers but it’s the way that you can feel confident in your own conclusion. It won’t come from anyone elses judgements, words or coercion.

Come to a point where you know you, you know what you want and need, and you only accept the right things.

When it comes to making your decision or conclusion, you may need to discern whether this comes from the angels or higher self, vs the ego. If it comes from the ego, it will speak in terms of winning, of gaining something, or appearing a certain way. If it’s from spirit, it’s often for the highest good of everyone involved, is sympathetic, loving and understanding. It does not judge, only seeks to help.

I would like to affirm for everyone here, that there is much love for you here. And let everything you do, be because of love. Of yourself, and others.

Thank you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Wowwwww that was a lot. Guys, I hope that helped in some tiny way.

I do this simply out of love. I wish you all the best.”

(A copy of an old pick a card reading by myself, not shown on this account until now)

[itsmoonphobic]

Moonbow at it yet again with a new Mcyt AU-But like what else am I supposed to do?I got so much positive feedback for my royalty AU that I decided to come up with a new AU! Plus I binged all the Ocean's movies and like the main one that inspired me was Ocean's 8,that movie slaps!If you haven't watched it yet you definitely should!!Anyway-Like I said my family and I just moved and I'm getting an extreme haircut today(lmao) so I'm pretty busy but don't worry the first chapter of "Royal Buisness" is going to be out in a few weeks/months!!Love u all and hope u like it <3💤💙

📷Target Spotted💻 (Mcyt Spy AU)

Sleepyboisinc(S.B.I) -> my absolute favorite bois ♡

-The sleepyboisinc originally started of as a joke.A few five year olds have the dream of becoming secret agents and start their own Buisness.

-No one really took it seriously back in the days when the three boys would draw and write down ideas for advanced technology devices and gadgets,I mean c'mon it's only natural for kids to grow up with dreams.The childish roleplaying on the playground eventually stopped but the dream stayed.Everyone simply thought that the trio would forget about their ideas in a few years and "grow up".

-Well they were wrong.Nobody could have predicted that the three of them continued with their "shenanigans" through all of their years in highschool-

-Techno,Phil and Wilbur stayed in touch while growing up. The three of them developed such a stron brotherly bond that at some point they left out everyone else and only shared their time with eachother.Their families informed them that they should be more open and extroverted but the three of them are stubborn.

-Time skip to College.Techno went on to study Psychology and English,Wilbur went to start a musical career and Phil- he just kinda disappeared?He didn't tell them where he went to college or what he was doing after school.

-So after two years of somewhat going their separate ways and two years of Phil missing without a single trace,both Techno and Wilbur decide to meet up and look for him. What the two didn't expect is that that night their childhood dream would become reality.

-Turns out that Phil,during those two years,secretly developed the S.B.I foundation.Techno and Wilbur couldn't believe that he managed to do all of this by himself and honestly?They were more than impressed and happy.It was their life long dream afterall and the fact that Phil made it all possible was absolutely overwhelming and appreciated.

-Phil explained everything.He told them that he didn't expect it to actually turn out this good and work functionality but it did!Phil also didn't accomplish it by himself but he hired a few poeple they could use on their side.At this point Techno and Wilbur were even more in love with their new jobs that they immediately dropped out of their previous occupations.

-He showed them around and the two of them were awestruck.Phil couldn't help but smile and laugh at their reactions since he only expected it to be this way.Phil didn't have to show them how things work becouse they created and designed all of this together,Phil was only the one who made it reality.

-Everything looked like from their drawings.The whole aesthetic of the building the S.B.I was located in was amazing.The outside looked like nothing special,and that's the way it's supposed to be.People weren't ment to get suspicious and curious.So making it look like a simple buisness was perfect.

-The only thing Techno and Wilbur weren't familiar with was the new staff so Phil gladly introduced them to eachother! Techno could already tell that there are a few poeple who he clearly won't get along with aswell as people he sees himself working with quite okay.As Phil watched them interacting he couldn't help the wide smile forming on his lips: The sleepy bois are finally reunited :)

Techno N.(Blade):

Techno is one of the best if not the best spy and the one with the biggest amount of action going on.His loyalty and dedication to his job are insane.Even back when they were kids Techno was always the one to stick up for Phil and Wilbur and make sure that the kids who bully them never show their faces again.

Techno is tough and clever.He thinks before he acts.His movements aren't exactly the most precise ones but they are definitely swift.Not to mention that there are times where instead of intimidating the target into getting out the information they need Techno turns to violence.He does apologize for it afterwards though so it's chill.

Techno is a professional at his finest.Getting caught?Never. Messing up?Not Techno.Tricks or traps?Don't work- During his training arc Techno learned the ways of a spy in and out. When Techno wants something to happen or go his way he only focuses on said thing and leaves it aside once he achieves what he wanted.

Techno prefers to work alone,he is extremely shy and introverted so it isn't easy working with people he's not comfortable around or familiar with.His social anxiety is not really a big help either- (Protect him) Another fun fact is that Techno's ADHD makes him struggle with his big focus ability.But everyone in the company knows it and they know that he can't do anything about it. •Accepting friends am I right? :)

Techno is the only employee that Phil let's in on the biggest news and insights first(Apart from Wilbur) and he is also the only one he trusts with the more dangerous weapons.Techno is really good with those!

Techno's missions are the ones that mostly need to be taken care of at night-His sleeping schedule is messed up so Phil gave him the night shift.Of course Phil has days where he strictly tells Techno to take them off so he can take care of his health and sleep.Techno refuses but knows that it makes Phil happy so he takes days off for him (I love their relationship <3)

Techno's job is his number one priority.Due to the fact that he used to study and specialize in psychology as well as in English and it's History Techno is very smart. His intelligence and usage of certain words tend to confuse other people and Techno would do it on purpose just to see the expression on their faces.

May I add that Techno is very calm and sarcastic.He also tends to be very polite and cold which makes poeple uncomfortable sometimes.His ego and confidence are both massive aswell which has it's ups and downs!

Techno is really good in cartography(Maps).During highschool Techno unintentionally desroyed everyone in Geography.He didn't like the subject he was only a natural at it.(If you couldn't figure it out already I obviously had to put in an SMP Earth reference)

Techno is one hell of a pilot.Poeple seriously question themselves how he is so good at flying planes or helicopters.Why complain though?A talent like that could come in handy any time when needed.

Phil W.(1ZA):

The boss and founder of the Sleepyboisinc(S.B.I)

Phil was the one who made all of their childhood dreams come true,and he's very proud of how far he himself and his friends have come!

Phil goes on missions on very rare occasions.His main job is to stay in his office and make sure that things run smoothly and the way they are supposed to.

He counts and is known as the information center and the backup for his agents.Him going on missions is very risky since he always has to be available during everything.His main priority is that all of his agents and friends come back safely and most importantly alive from their jobs.

Becouse Phil is mostly stuck in his office busy with paper work,he can read his agents like an open book. Phil's ability to instantly make someone feel welcomed and loved can either be seen as comforting or scary.One look at you and Phil knows exactly what topics to talk about.He can't but choose to use that ability to his advantage.

Phil is a very caring and kind person.He is the definition of wholesome!S.B.I is pretty lucky to have such a understanding and nice boss to work with.

Phil tends to keep his eyes on the troublemakers(I will get to them later 👀)and Techno especially.The first one is pretty self explanatory since the nickname says it all.Techno on the other hand is in Phil's sight not becouse he's a brainless idiot but of his health issues.

He is a very patient and empathetic person it isn't in his nature to be angry or mad at someone but when he is it gets scary.To have Phil actually mad it you,you would have to fuck up big time.Poeple who have experienced Phil being angry with them have nightmares till this day.He won't be violent and he won't insult you but he will hit you where it hurts the most,he will fo under the deepest parts of your skin. (Not physically but mentally)

Phil knows the right time to be serious and the right time to have fun and joke around with his friends.After a successful mission the crew would go out and celebrate their victory.Phil has to make sure that all of his idiot agents don't get too drunk so that no laws will be broken and no unnecessary information will be spread around.Gotta keep up a good rep am I right?

Everyone in the company sees Phil as a big father figure.I mean who wouldn't?The vibes he gives of remind everyone of an overprotective dad.Whenever somebody of his agents has a problem their first instinct is to go and talk to Phil about them.Phil will gladly listen and cheer them up when he needs to <3

Wilbur S.(Dirty Crime Boy):

Wilbur is the S.B.I's decoy and undercover specialist. His biggest flex is that becouse he is so handsome and charming,Phil decided to let him be the distraction. This guy could flirt with anyone and he would have them wrapped around his finger in no time.

There is just something so exciting and addictive to taking on different personalities and outfits.Wilbur can pull out any look or personality trait.His favorite one would have to be a musician,he doesn't have to act around too much since he's in his natural habitat. Wilbur sometimes has way too much fun with his job.

There are times where Wilbur is asked to perform somewhere so that Techno or whoever is on a mission with him is able to do what they need to do.He will get caught up in the moment and forget that he is on a mission so when Phil tells Wilbur's partner to drag him off stage and calm him down they immediately do so.

Apart from that,Wilbur is extremely good at what he does.You know those guys in movies who will drug other poeple's drinks and stuff to either rob them or drag them someplace else?Yeah that guy is Wilbur. His suave attitude and velvety voice makes everyone want to have a drink with him :)

Wilbur has the power of blackmailing on his side.This guy knows everything about everyone.You smoked weed with your ex on a highschool party?Wilbur knows it all.Some shit you did when you were home alone three weeks ago?Wilbur has all the details.He knows so much shit that people who work with him are genuinely scared to get close to him just couse they fear that he will know all their secrets.

Somehow Wilbur is able to get any information that is required for a certain mission.Your grandma's name?Blood type?Favorite type of cacti?Wilbur has it all memorized in his head.Phil may have all the needed information but Wil has the dirty secrets and past shit someone has gotten themselves into.

Wilbur's favorite person to work with has to be Techno.Not only becouse of their brotherly bond but becouse Wil knows that if he's stuck somewhere Techno is always around and will get him out.Wil simply enjoys Techno's company,he doesn't talk much so it gives Wilbur enough time and silence to talk about his day or something stupid that pissed him off.

Becouse Wilbur has to work undercover and make sure that he doesn't get recognized,he is fluent in multiple languages,his most requested ones are: German,French and Spanish!!(My personal headcanon I know Wilbur doesn't speak all three of them fluently)

Wilbur is the one who gets send onto missions that require to travel to a different country.Most of the time Wilbur happily agrees but on rare occasions where he feels as if something might go wrong or when he has a bad feeling about some place he will desperately try and get Phil to send someone else.

Tommy S.(Innit) ->Proud Inniter btw <3

Sixteen years old and already a spy?Tommy is living the dream of surely everybody in his highschool.Being light and quick on his feet Tommy's job is sneaking in and pickpocketing.Need a unique antique located in a safely secured safe?Tommy's got you.A wallet with a credit card or ID?Tommy already has it.Maybe it's a watch or a jewelry piece?It's Tommy's now.

Tommy's outgoing and energetic personality is a huge boost to the company.Whenever an agent backs down from a mission,Tommy will immediately call them out for being a coward.Tommy has the mouth of a sailor so him calling you a piss baby or bitch boy is completely normal to everybody working in S.B.I

They are pretty much used to it that Tommy has no filter when it comes to his opinion on something.He is brutally honest and isn't afraid to call you out for you bullshit.Tommy can be a little too open minded from time to time which gets him into dumb situations.

Tommy has the stupid ability to make everyone hate him the moment they meet him.Tommy tends to start fights or arguments against multiple people who are way stronger and taller than him.He doesn't think before he acts and just dives head in.

Almost 99.9% of the complaints Phil receives from other companies or his familiars are from Tommy.Even though Tommy promises Phil to stay out of trouble and keep his attitude to himself,he still manages to break those promises the moment someone insults his friends or makes fun of him.Phil seriously needs to teach him some proper manners-

"The business bay" is a small alliance that Tommy has formed in S.B.I,long story short it's all the younger agents (Tommy,Toby,Bitzel,Deo and Luke)in the company working together in a group.(Mostly just becouse all four of them go to the same School and Tommy needs people to steal homework from-)

Tommy seeks attention and admiration in any shape or form.Call him an "Alpha male" and you've got your name secured on "Keep them safe" list.The only other person Tommy admires,apart from himself is Techno. Literally the smallest "good job" or "well done" sends Tommy's ego over the edge.He will brag to everybody who is stupid enough to listen to him.He will constantly try and impress Techno in any way,which ends up in Tommy getting too ahead of himself and getting embarrassed for being so clumsy.

Wilbur and Tommy have a wierd relationship.One minute they are normally interacting with eachother and the other they are trying to kill eachother.Tommy complains about Wilbur all the time,about how annoying he is and that he thinks that he's best- Though when it comes to having eachother's backs that rivalry is put aside and they work together to save both of their asses.

Neither Techno or Wilbur will admit it but when Phil sends either of them to get Tommy's ass out of some shit he has gotten himself into the two of them are worried and get very protective over him.Sure Techno teases and ignores Tommy to no end and Wilbur annoys the living shit out of him but both of them make sure to take care of Tommy like their little bro.

AHHHHH IT'S FINISHED!!ANOTHER AU HAS BEEN WRITTEN QJSJWKKQ-Sorry guys I'm very excited about this AU,I have been working on it for a few days now and I had to write down all my headcanons and ideas!Don't worry my royal AU is still a work in progress so keep in mind that the first chapter will come out soon!I hope you guys enjoyed my Spy AU and ofcourse any kind of feedback is welcomed! Love u all <3 <3

[welcomethefears]

Days Away - Bucky Barnes x Reader Soulmate AU - Chapter 8

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4 || Part 5 || Part 6 || Part 7  || Part 8 (This is it)

The afternoon was sunny, with beams of light streaming in through the open windows in the shop. Each flower colored the room, sending pastels and dark colors spiraling throughout the primarily creamy walls. At the front desk of this shop stood a (Tall/Short) girl, resting both elbows on the marble, her head in her hands, and a distant look adorning her (s/c) face. It was a dim afternoon, and today her flower shop wasn’t as busy as it usually was. She let out a soft sigh, feeling the sunlight hit and warm her face. She closed her eyes for a split second, taking in all the warmth that the afternoon offered to her.

“(Y/N), you alright?” A voice asked, snapping the girl out of her daze. Said girl open her (e/c) eyes, her gaze falling on the brunette carrying a pot of pale pink roses. Vanessa had a hand on her hip, her green apron blending in with her dark clothing. Her brown eyes sparkled in the afternoon light, watching carefully over her seemingly younger boss. (Y/N) let a soft smile paint itself across her plump lips, letting a soft hum vibrate through her throat.

“I’m fine, just… thinking,” She stated, her melodic voice floating around the store. Vanessa made her way over to the counter, placing the pot down and grabbing (Y/N)’s right arm. The girl struggled a little as her grey knit shawl was pushed down her arm, revealing her glowing numbers that were ticking now, second by second. It was only 3 days until she met them, her soulmate. She sighed dreamily as she thought about the concept, her other half after all this time. She had waited what felt like centuries, watching as all her friends including Vanessa met their soulmates and became just, astonishingly happy. She never thought it was possible, to suddenly become a humanoid ray of sunshine just by meeting someone, but it was clear to her that soulmates defied this logic she had.

“I knew it! Only 3 days? (Y/N) why didn’t you tell me?” Vanessa reprimanded. (Y/N) rolled her eyes, smile somehow getting warmer at the words. She loved Vanessa, she was one of her closest friends, and one of her best employees. Then again, she only hired the best at her store, with Vanessa being assistant manager and two very reliable teenage girls running the desk after school and on weekends. It was little her own little flower family, and she made sure each person knew how much they were valued. It was small things, like gifting them their favourite flowers on their birthdays or buying them all cookies at Christmas. She ran a tight ship at work, so she needed people to know how much she cared. She shook her head, getting caught in her own thoughts again. She loved those in her life already, how was a soulmate going to affect her?

“Yeah, just 3 more, crazy right? Who knew I would get a soulmate!” She exclaimed in reply, a grin spreading across her face. She was always good at hiding her inner turmoil, covering it with an overexcited exterior. Her personality seemed to match that of a twenty-something-year-old, but in reality, she was around 54 years old, a gift she seemed to inherit from her father. Everyone she knew closely knew this, but she had no clue how this would affect her soulmate, she was old enough to experience turmoil yet not old enough to experience a world war. Would her soulmate be younger than her? An old person? She had no clue, but in a way that excited her, the mystery of it all, so she showed this side of her emotions instead of anything else. Her eyes sparkled as she thought this, Vanessa quickly picking up on it, giggling softly at her friend’s innocence.

“You still manage to act like a child, even though you’re much older than I am,” Vanessa shrugged, smiling at (Y/N) as she moved to her work station, collecting and arranging flowers.

“I can’t help it sorry, being youthful is just… exciting I guess,” (Y/N) trailed off, caught in her own thoughts again as the afternoon sun drifted in. She’d be going home soon, tutoring the kids in the afternoon, and helping to cook dinner for them all. Being around children, especially school-aged mutants was exciting for her, watching them develop their skills and powers, as well as their social skills was a highlight of each day. Thinking about it more, she loved the mansion, with all the staff being like a family when she was away from her father or flower shop. The support she experienced as a child and even now as a fully-fledged adult was something she valued tremendously. Although, with a soulmate coming into the picture did that mean she would have to rely on them? Would they even be reliable? Everything was quickly spiraling, becoming something out of hand, lost in them she was snapped back to reality when Vanessa spoke once again.

“Oh, Wade was asking when he’s allowed to come back to the mansion? Says he wants to have a family dinner with everyone,” Vanessa informed, causing a snort to come from (Y/N).

“Never,” She chortled, memory flashing to the last time Deadpool had invaded an x-men dinner. Many of the younger students invited to join the staff dinner were quickly pushed out of the room, and Charles had not been happy about the language and vulgarity some of them had heard. Although ironically both Ellie (Better known as Negasonic teenage warhead) and Yukio had stayed, Yukio being quite the source of gossip for Wade to tap into.

“Come on, could it really hurt that much? I could come with him if that would help,” Vanessa offered, her own thoughts drifting to her fiancé who was even more childish than the woman in front of her.

“Maybe, as long as you don’t get jealous if he starts flirting with Colossus,” (Y/N) giggled, pressing her thumb across the pale pink petal belonging to the tulip she was holding. Banter like this was nice, a great distraction from the possible mess that was thought to arrive in 3 days.

~*~

“Welcome home!” Kitty yelled, jumping on (Y/N) as soon as she had closed the door behind her. While Kitty was one of the youngest teachers (Having only finished schooling a couple of years prior) she was still treated the same way she was when she was a child, since all the older staff had a soft spot for her. And seemingly, Kitty had a soft spot for (Y/N). Hugging back with just as much intensity, (Y/N) rested her head on Kitty’s shoulder, their brown and (H/C) hair pooling together. Pulling apart and leaving the warmth of each other’s touch, the two shared a smile before Kitty took (Y/N)’s hand, dragging her towards the library in the mansion.

“Some of the students are waiting for us, looks like maths and biology. You’ll be able to handle that, right?” Kitty asked, an innocence emanating in through her words. (Y/N) rolled her eyes at this, playfully shoving Kitty softly.

“Hello, anyone in there? Did you forget my powers again space cadet?” (Y/N) teased, linking her arm with Kitty’s in an affectionate manner. Kitty huffed playfully in response, gripping (Y/N)’s arm back in response.

“Of course, I know, it’s just they’re doing cell theory, not botany!” She exclaimed in reply, shaking her head slightly and causing her brown hair to jump with the movement. The two finally came to the library, finding many students chatting loudly to each other with books hardly touched. (Y/N) raised her eyebrow at this, noting how the students hadn’t noticed either of the two adults. Without a word, (Y/N) raised her hand towards the center of the large table, and slowly out of the wood, a large cactus grew, its sharp needles stretching into every corner she allowed it to reach. The students took note of this quickly, turning their attention to the (tall/short) figure which had caused it to occur. (Y/N) smiled lightly, watching over the silent children finally paying attention.

“So, what are we helping with today?” (Y/N) asked, a sweet grin on her face as she looked over all the students before her.

~*~

“Did you really have to grow a cactus on the tables, you could have just called out to them?” Kitty asked, walking down one of the long halls in the mansion with (Y/N). The two had just finished tutoring all the students, a successful session in (Y/N)’s eyes, but so was anytime a student’s face lit up with understanding. Being with others, especially children was always a fun experience for (Y/N), because as much as she looked young if it weren’t for her childish personality it was likely she’d be like her father, a grumpy old man. The students provided an insight into the younger generations, a connection she doubted she would have outside the girls in her flower shop. It wasn’t just that though, it was the fact that the mansion acted as a surrogate family for all these children, a place where they were safe and free to be themselves, and in a way that allowed (Y/N) to do the same. Shrugging her shoulders, she was already back in the moment, her air-headed tendencies pushed aside.

“I felt like it, plus no one really has a mutation like mine, so it’s always nice to show off what I’ve got,” She replied lightly, finally reaching the dining room with Kitty. It was pretty empty seeing as all the kids had eaten already, as well as the teachers who were monitoring them. Not only that, but tonight wasn’t an official dinner, the sort where all the x-men spent the evening together. However, a familiar figure sat at the x-men table alone, her white hair tumbling down her back and contrasting with her rich dark skin. (Y/N)’s face lit up as she saw her best friend, rushing forward to the dining table.

“Ororo! It’s good to see you!” She laughed, engulfing her friend in a hug. Ororo hugged back just as strong, the two laughing quietly to each other. Pulling away they shared a smile, and (Y/N) noticed the age on her face. Sometimes it was hard to acknowledge the fact, but not aging certainly put a damper on some of her relationships. The nature of her powers meant that her healing could only be used on her family and soulmate, so every once in a while, she’d be reminded of this, simply by looking at her aging best friend. It was hard, watching those she was connected to lose their spark and die, but so was the life of a mutant with healing powers. At least she’d always have Deadpool to talk to, knowing she was one of the few who enjoyed his company.

“You saw me last night, what’s the big deal?” Ororo asked, raising an eyebrow at her youthful friend. (Y/N) seemed to fidget at this, not wanting to admit either her thoughts or her dilemma. Ororo didn’t even flinch, a knowing look in her eyes.

“Not long to go I’m guessing?” Ororo asked, pulling up her own sleeve to show off her numbers, slowly ticking down each second. She was close too, but not as close as (Y/N). Automatically (Y/N) copied her friends’ action, pulling her own sleeve up to reveal her mark, glowing brightly on her (s/c) skin.

“Only 3 days, you lucky girl,” Ororo chuckled, rolling her sleeve down as (Y/N) did the same.

“Oh. My. God! Only 3 days, why didn’t you tell me (Y/N)?! Have you told anyone!?” Kitty asked, jumping up and down in excitement behind the two. (Y/N) rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment, letting out a strained laugh.

“I’ve only told Vanessa at the flower shop and now you guys, more than anything I didn’t want to tell my dad, you know how he can be like when it comes to me,” She huffed out softly in reply, dropping her hand and letting it run through her (H/C) hair.

“What am I like?” Came the voice, interrupting the girl talk in the dining room. (Y/N) turned towards the voice, Wolverine walking casually into the room as if nothing was the matter at all. He came over to (Y/N) first, ruffling her hair affectionately.

“How’s my little Howlett going?” Logan asked, standing beside the group of girls.

“Fine, Dad, how was the camp?” (Y/N) asked in reply, sweating under her collar at his sudden appearance.

“Yeah it was fine, some of the little runts had trouble setting up tents, but other than that they were pretty capable.” He informed. (Y/N) looked between the two girls, an obvious difference in their reactions. Kitty watched on fearfully as well, looking as if to keep the secret. Ororo however, looked on encouragingly, waiting for (Y/N) to take the mature option. Swallowing her fears, (Y/N) finally spoke up.

“Dad, I’m meeting my soulmate in 3 days,” She informed, watching as her father’s face morphed into one of surprise.

“Oh,” His reply was simple, and the room was frozen in anticipation. All the girls were quiet, and with the air becoming thicker (Y/N) noticed Kitty slowly sink through the floor, escaping the awkward situation. ‘Damn her,’ (Y/N) thought to herself. Storm seemingly held eye contact with both parties on and off, struggling to decide who needed her attention most.

“Well, dad?” (Y/N) tentatively asked, hoping to pull some answer from him.

“Well… I’m happy for you little Howlett. Hard to believe you’re growing up,” Logan huffed out half-heartedly, making eye-contact with his daughter, a soft smile overtaking his lips no matter how hard he tried to keep up his gruff exterior. (Y/N) let out a sigh of relief, happy enough to at least get that titbit of approval, but knowing her father this wouldn’t be the last she heard of the matter.

“I’m 54 years old now dad, you don’t have to baby me anymore,” (Y/N) giggled with a roll of her eye, squealing as her father suddenly grabbed her in his arms, feeling her (h/c) hair being ruffled around once again. While a small gesture, the short contact she had with her father like this meant everything. He hadn’t meant to, she always thought, hadn’t meant to leave her in the care of the X-men for her childhood, but that was just how it was. So moments like this, when he was actually in her life, and his contact kept her in reality, meant practically the universe.

“Yeah, but ya act like one, might as well treat ya like one,” Logan grinned, letting his daughter go from his arms. (Y/N) found herself unsure of how she felt about this, in one way she felt like she needed the contact, something to lean on, yet leaving her father’s arms was her future still to come. Logan muttered a quick goodnight, snapping (Y/N) from her trance as she whispered the same back. She watched as he left, yet she felt no weight off her shoulders. He knew now, that was great, but something still wasn’t right.

“Earth to (Y/N), you going to stand here all night or head to bed, it’s already 10 pm and you have work tomorrow, right?” Ororo asked, placing a shoulder delicately on her shoulder. The warmth presented was inviting, and (Y/N) realized that it was something she always craved, but seemingly more so lately. This soulmate business was certainly getting to her.

“Hmm? Oh yes, I do, I’ll follow you towards the rooms,” (Y/N) answered simply, trying to hide her disappointment when Ororo’s hand left her shoulder.

“Hey, to celebrate your soulmate do you want to get some coffee tomorrow. That little place a couple of blocks from your work? It’s the only time I’m free with everything going on, and I’m sure Vanessa can handle the shop for a while,” Ororo suggested, making (Y/N)’s (e/c) eyes light up with joy. She nodded vigorously, excitement overtaking her in a child-like manner.

“That sounds wonderful! I can’t wait to see you, then I can finally sit down and have a good talk with you,” (Y/N) suggested. Spending time with Storm as a normal civilian was almost a dream come true oddly enough.

The two finally parted ways at (Y/N)’s room, and after saying goodnight for the final time, she softly closed her door. Her room had become her own at the mansion after a couple of decades of living in it. A permanent resident she seemed to be, and not that she minded but it wasn’t truly hers. It was Charles’ home, it was the children’s home. But not hers. With these thoughts clouding her mind as she pulled her quilt over herself, she couldn’t help but let the storm in her mind to wander towards her soulmate. (Y/N) had hardly had a boyfriend let alone felt love truly for anyone but her friends. Yet, she was optimistic. Surely a soulmate was like the legends, another half to herself, a completion to her as a person. With hope she thought about them, wondering what they were like, who they could be if they liked mutants. Thoughts about her fated swam around, clouding all judgment she had as she was lulled into slumber. Before she finally drifted off, she made a quiet promise.

To do anything for her soulmate, even move the heavens if she had to.

Taglist: (I lost it I’m so sorry, please message me if you wanna be tagged)

[jq37]

The Report Card – Fantasy High Sophomore Year Ep 18

Brennan Lee Mulligan Fight Me IRL (subtitle: Is This Allowed?)

***A proclamation: Non-Adaine Abernants have no rights (and no consistent canon name spellings) so, henceforth, I will be spelling their names however the hell I want.***

Yeah I don’t have any preamble this week, let’s just do this.

We rejoin our table (which Ally is very noticeably absent from) with Fabian just having seen Kristen stabbed through by the skeletal unicorn. He runs out to get the rest of the Bad Kids but, when he comes back, there’s a mirror showing the room instead of a passageway into it. He shatters the mirror, which doesn’t help the situation at all. 

Fig takes advantage of the souped up illusion magic in the forest and uses Phantasmal Force on herself to create an illusion of a door that she can walk through. She, however, realizes that she’s not being taken into the same place that Kristen’s body was and gets out of there ASAP. Meanwhile, Gorgug takes down the wall and they’re able to get into the room. 

Once in the room, they find a human skeleton clutching shattered pieces of stone in its hands, which Adaine does the Identify Spell on--it’s St. Kristen Applebees, who’s been dead for 850 years (850 years ago is when the last Sylvan War happened, just FYI). Fabian can tell the room is very different than when he was in it last, like it’s been shut up with a dead body for 850 years. The skeleton is also weird. The posture and joints are wrong and it seems like it was decaying during life as well. Gorgug looks at the stone shards the skeleton is holding and sees that they’re broken pieces of an image of a face, but the freaky thing is it’s not all the same face. And the faces resemble their own. 

So, across the board, troubling stuff.

Adaine casts Locate Creature on the unicorn and senses that it’s moving into the forest (which is in conflict to where they see its hoofprints leading). Riz does an insight check and is convinced that this isn’t a situation that can be solved with logic. This is some straight Alice in Wonderland BS that can only be endured, not solved. There’s only one thing to do. Take a ton of drugs and go through their personal hells to save Kristen. The group, filled with trepidation and determination, agrees. Fig offers to cast Fear on everyone to make things easier. (She also takes her hair down because she is a rock star who understands when to do things for maximum drama). Adaine dismisses Boggy and gets rid of her Anxiety meds. Fabian gets rid of his fear-cancelling eyepatch. Fig and Adaine want everyone to be tied to each other but Riz thinks this is something they absolutely have to do alone and they reluctantly agree. Everyone comes together in the last moment before they put themselves through this ordeal. I believe in you. Spring Break.

Then Riz takes off, before they can even do the drugs. His biggest fear is not having a plan so it’s the best he can think to do to give in to fear. Riz tries to follow the unicorn, getting torn at by branches and briars as he goes, hands suddenly bleeding (as if digging through a palimpsest), and he stops when he finds a sliver of silver mirror. Let’s do some D20 math. Riz+Mirror. What does that equal? That’s right. We knew this was coming. It’s the return of Baron from the Baronees!

Baron appears and says that Riz made him up because he was scared. What was he scared of? Riz says he’s scared of being wrong and hurting his friends but Baron says that that’s not why he lied. He lied because of his anxiety over all of the rest of his friends getting into romantic relationships and leaving him behind. They don’t care about him. They only keep him around because he’s useful for mystery solving. Baron shows his images of his friends with their respective love interests and Riz, ever logical even when he’s trying not to be, sees Ragh with Fefethriel (he also has no rights so I’m not looking up how to spell that) who he knows Ragh doesn’t like and clings to that as a sign that this isn’t all real. Baron continues to twist the knife. Riz isn’t like his friends. He’s not like his parents. And he’s not a good detective because, if he was, he wouldn't let himself get so easily distracted. Riz finds he’s no longer in the forest. He’s trapped in a world of mirrors.

“OK,” says Brennan. “Let’s go down the line. What are all of you afraid of?”

“Oh Boy,” I say, knowing this is going to be a bitch both to watch and try to coherently recap. 

Their answers are as follows:

Gorgug: Impostor Syndrome and the fact that he’s already died once which calls into question the reality of everything after that.

Adaine: Failure and loss of control

Fig: Fig has a whole laundry list of fears. Gilear being dead, Ayda being dead and coming back as a baby, being a fraud that will wear out her welcome and be discarded, not being able to save her friends

Fabian: Helplessness and ending up as Yogurt Fabian

Everything starts to go to hell at once.

Gorgug’s crystal pings. It’s a message from Skrank saying that it’s dope that he and Zelda got back together and he’s happy Gorgug is being so cool about it. Gorgug just turns his crystal off but then, he’s hit with the realization that his life just doesn’t really add up. He’s a rockstar with a girlfriend who saved the world from a dragon with his friends? Come on. That’s a little far-fetched. And then, Bam! Adaine has to roll for a panic attack. For the first time ever, she fails on a 4 and begins to shut down. She fights the panic attack, even though she knows she needs to experience fear to get to the center of the forest and she’s able to...but finds herself outside of the briar wall, alone. She tries to Misty Step back in, but she can’t. She’s stuck.

At about the same time but a few seconds earlier as Fig is casting Fear, Fig is caught between her two main fears: being a fraud and not being able to save her friends. But Brennan, the evil genius, says that it occurs to Fig that the fact that she even had the thought of her self image while her friends were in danger means that her main concern is a shallow one and that she is a fraud. A cool, confident copy of Fig--the rockstar image she tries to project--splits from her body, tells the real Fig to stay down, and Fig is frozen to the ground. 

Fabian just straight disappears. Not from the room like Adaine. From history. All his friends forget about him and are unable to see him. The Bad Kids were always comprised of 5 Members. There is no war in Ba Sing Se.

The Illusion of Fig says she’s going to find Riz and Adaine and she poofs out, leaving Gorgug and Fabian alone in the room. But Gorgug can’t see Fabian. He doesn’t even remember Fabian exists. As far as he can tell, he’s been left alone. Abandoned. He tries to anchor himself with a bone he took from Kristen’s skeleton earlier and then heads off to try to find Riz.  Fabian tries to call out to Gorgug, or hold him back but Gorgug doesn’t hear him and he finds he can’t physically affect him in any way. Fabian decides to let him go. He just sits. With everyone gone (including Baby who left with Fig’s double), Fig is suddenly able to move again. She calls out to her friends and, hearing no response, goes towards the woods. 

OK, that was a lot and it just gets wilder from here. I’m going to try to present this as coherently as possible by splitting up what happens to everyone rather than intercutting the scenes like in the episode.

Gorgug

Gorgug travels until the forest becomes impassable. Then, he finds a tunnel under the roots of the tree that’s super tight. He can get through but just barely and he for sure can’t get out the way he came. It's littered with leaves and bugs and Gorgug is pretty claustrophobic. Still, he steels himself and starts dragging himself through. It’s scary as hell but he knows the fear is leading him in the right direction and with a 21 Acrobatics, he gets through. 

Once on the other side, he takes out the recording stone he made earlier and records himself saying, “It’s Gorgug. Keep going,” as a message for anyone who might come this way. The message Care Bear Stare reverberates through the forest and all of his friends feel a spot of encouragement that they’re doing the right thing.

But Gorgug finds himself in the worst room for a low Int party member to be in alone. He’s in a puzzle room with a dick of a Sphinx who says Gorgug has to solve this puzzle or the Sphinx will eat him. The Sphinx says he’ll help (which will lower the DC of solving the puzzle) but every time he helps, he’ll give Gorgug some true but hurtful information. He has unlimited tries but once he starts he can’t stop.

Gorgug tries and fails (just barely). He asks for help. The Sphinx then shows Gorgug a vision of himself as a baby with his younger parents and all of his aunts and uncles. Gorgug doesn’t really know his extended family. Turns out, that’s because they were all hella racist about Gorgug being adopted so Digby and Wilma cut them all out of their lives. He created a rift in the family. He tries two more times. Both failures. The Sphinx begins to prowl and stalk him.

Gorgug realizes that the scariest thing to him is to admit that he’s too stupid to figure this out and he says, “I’m a dumbass. Eat me you stupid bug.”

The puzzle spontaneously solves itself. The sphinx leaps at Gorgug but vanishes into bugs before it can reach. The door opens and he can walk through. 

Riz

Riz takes comfort in the images of his friends around him (even though they’re all of awkward romantic moments) and says that no matter what Baron is saying, he knows his friends care about him. Kristen could have cured herself, but she cured him. They may call him The Ball, but now he’s friends with the bully who made up that nickname. He might not be super close with Penny who he worked so hard to save, but that’s OK because they just run in different circles. He feels secure with his role as Little Shrimp of the Bad Kids. 

The mirrors shatter. Baron vanishes. Care Bear Stare.

Riz sees tracks of the unicorn going off in another direction and he feels very confident that he can follow them and find it. He also sees a really cozy bed. 

“Is my greatest fear sleeping on the job?” he says. “I’m so lame.”

Still, he bravely gets in snuggles down (to the outrage of Lou, who we’ll get to next actually).

Fabian

Fabian gets up after feeling the spark of hope from Gorgug and starts moving deeper into the forest. Unfortunately, his friends may have forgotten about him but you know who hasn’t? Chungle-Down Bim who is in the forest, feral, and still chomping at the bit to shit in Fabian’s mouth. Fabian runs like hell into a cave to hide where he is met with his other worst nightmare, the SEXY RAT FROM FRESHMAN YEAR--now human sized--who gives away his hiding place.

After running for a bit longer, he takes a deep breath, lays down and--for the good of the party--decides to subject himself to what the forest has decided are his two worst fears apart from being forgotten: having his mouth shit in by Chungle-Down Bim and being fucked by a sexy rat. 

Insane but Bam. Care Bear Stare. 

The ground opens up and swallows him. He’s falling in darkness, just like in his nightmare from episode 1 (which I finally looked up, just in time it turns out). He hears Cathilda’s voice: If he’s his own new man, then will he be extraordinary? Will he write his name on the face of the Earth? Fabian senses a trap but he answers. He doesn’t know what he’ll be but he likes the direction he’s going. He doesn’t care where he ends up, because he likes where he is. And he doesn’t care if he writes his name on the face of the Earth because he’ll be with the bad kids. 

Gorgug, in the room that the door opens up to, suddenly sees something crash through the ceiling and Fabian--who he now remembers--is in the room with him. Fabian hugs him immediately--something he’s never done before.

And, for the trouble of that ordeal, Brennan lets them reroll their lowest ability scores with 4d6 (unless it’s lower than what they already have or higher than they want it for story reasons). 

Fig

On Fig’s way out of the temple, she sees a placid pool of water which has a carving of an eye being pried open above it. She can tell the pool is magical and she dips her feet into it, being consciously reckless. The pool is body temperature, which is unsettling, and it asks her whose dreams she wants to see. 

She first tries Aelwyn but gets nothing because elves are weird to scry on dream-wise since they trance. Then, she tries Kristen and sees the image of a huge woman (like mountain huge) clutching her scalp and screaming as a storm rages around her, striking her with lightning and destroying her in some crazy act of magic. Yikes. She scoops up some pool water to take with her. 

She tries to scry on Ayda, sees the same place Adaine saw when she did it earlier, and tries to Dimension Door there. It doesn’t work and she just ends up in some random place in the woods, hopelessly lost. As she walks, she comes across an elven village covered in spiderwebs and cocoons. Fig finds a griffon feather and then sees an old woman who is only partially cocooned. She wakes her up and asks what’s going on. Does she need help? Yeah, she could use help getting home. Fig asks where she lives. That’s easy. 22 Hilda Street; 22 Hilda Boulevard BAYBEE! 

Hilda-Hilda and her MASSIVE dog start to attack Fig (who was EXPLICITLY WARNED THIS MIGHT HAPPEN and told this insane lie anyway) and she books it out of there. As she runs, she is frozen and magically bound again. Her double walks out of the forest to taunt her some more. She asks what will happen once her rock star persona wears off and Ayda sees the real her?

“I hope that she finds something I didn’t know was there.”

Boom. Care Bear Stare.  

But Fig isn’t free. In fact, the bindings on her turn to marionette strings and she finds herself being dragged behind her double. Fig tries to make some illusion scissors to cut herself free but it doesn’t work. She’s reminded of the dream she had in the first episode of having fame and power and wanting a crown and any confidence she has leaves her as she remembers the times she’s been possessed in the past. Her double asks her why she wanted a crown so badly and Fig says it wasn’t her. It was whoever mind controlled her. Isn’t there a part of her that wants a crown though? Fig says what she’s interested in isn’t the crown. It's being able to control her self-image. Her double tightens her puppet strings which is heart clenching but Fig knows that means she’s going the right way.

They end up walking past the place where Ayda is and Fig yells at her double to help her--she may be a twisted version of her but she’s still a part of her so she should still have a crush on Ayda. The scrying water Fig took heats up and turns to steam and, within the steam, she can see what Ayda is experiencing: Previous incarnations of herself, screaming at her to do better and be better. She sees that, in Ayda’s memories, she spent a lot of time being confused and feeling inadequate and Fig was one of the first people to be patient with her and explain things to her. Ayda’s doubles taunt her and say there’s no rational world where someone as awesome as Fig (the real Fig, the Fig in Ayda’s memories is the real one, not the glamorous idealized one that has Fig hostage) would find a single redeemable quality in her. 

Ayda says, quietly to herself, that just because she hasn’t found any worthwhile qualities in herself, doesn’t mean someone as brilliant as Fig can’t.  

Fig suddenly finds herself somewhere far away, bound between trees right next to Riz who is still napping.

Brennan gives them the same offer to boost a score--Wisdom since they both got through their trials with Wisdom based solutions.   

Adaine

Adaine, also upon feeling the spark of hope from Gorgug, thinks that there has to be more going on than it seems so she takes off her jacket, leaves her orb, closes her eyes and starts walking. As she walks, it feels like days are passing. She doesn’t trip or fall but she takes slashing damage from the trees around her (still in the forest, regardless of how it appeared).

Eventually, she finds herself at the edge of a cliff that drops off into ocean. Ocean like the previous Oracle drowned in. Ocean like in the dream she saw herself drowning in at the start of the season. She sees someone standing near her but she doesn’t give them the time of day. She simply steps off into the open air and starts plummeting down. 

As she does, she sees that the figure--the same figure that was in the tent with her that she didn’t look at way back when--is of an older version of herself in a black mourning dress.

She starts drowning and she wants to try and solve the situation but, like Riz, she realizes that this isn’t something she can solve. She can only fight which she does, refusing to give up (which would be less scary). She suddenly finds herself not drowning in the ocean, but in an orb surrounded by people as Biz Glitterdew dressed like a Carnival Barker tells people to step right up and see the amazing Elven Oracle. She’s surrounded by people she doesn’t know how to help. She can’t even help herself. 

As she’s in the orb, she hears the voice of the future version of her from the cliff. She’s always been clever. She did everything right. This is her last chance to speak with her if she wants to. Adaine asks why she doesn’t have friends now. She’s hit with the reality she must know on some level already. She’s an elf. Her friends all have naturally shorter lifespans. Her future self has all these answers but the one thing she doesn’t know (much like Will in that one episode of Fresh Prince) is why she was so easily discarded by her parents. Are they unlovable? Our Adaine doesn’t know either. Maybe some things don’t have answers. Future Adaine asks if she ever wonders if the kindness from her friends is a reflection of their goodness and not her worthiness. God, yes, Every day. “But I know that my friends do love me so maybe there’s hope for us yet,” she says, voice heartbreakingly tremulous.       

Care Bear Stare.

Her double gives her a second and then says that as valid as that hope is, she needs to let it go, at least for now, to get to where she needs to get to. 

She lets it go. 

Adaine finds that she’s no longer in an orb filled with water. She’s in a prison orb in the heart of the forest surrounded by her family (hard air quotes around family). Her mom has summoned her. Aelwyn won’t look at her and is just staring at the floor, totally dejected. Anguin is there too, one eye busted and one arm in a sling. He’s PISSED. Arianwyn is still marked with curse wounds and Adaine doesn’t see the crown on her anywhere. She says it’s good to see Adaine, but Adaine’s not buying it. She Messages Aelwyn: Are you OK? What’s going on? Aelwyn says for once in her life, just do what their parents ask. Please. (She actually says please! Concerning!)

Arianwyn tells Adaine that all her friends are alive and nothing bad will happen to them. She’s not in any trouble. Adaine wants to know why she’d care if she was in trouble with her parents-in-name-only. “Self preservation?” Anguin suggests. Adaine says there’s nothing else they can do to her that’s worse than what they’ve already done so it’s kind of an empty threat. Anguin has something to say about that but his wife stops him and tells Adaine everything is nearly done. Promises were broken, they needed new allies, so they joined up with the Nightmare King. That’s not nearly enough information for Adaine. She wants to know why she’s there.

Arianwyn says that they need Adaine to just tell them what the Bad Kids have been planning so they can stop it and they’ll keep her friends alive. The Court of Stars said they would trade Aelwyn’s freedom for the Crown but, when she delivered it, they broke their promise. “So you bring back the NK?” Adaine asks, incredulously. The Abernants have always been important, Arianwyn says. She has no choice but to restore their tarnished name--the name tarnished partially by Adaine she points out.

Adaine wonders how they got to the center of the forest and faced all their fear while still being so craven. Aelwyn expresses surprise that Adaine didn’t just use a Duskmoss ritual the way they did. But she still made it, and Wiser than all of the rest of them. (Speaking of, here, Brennan gives her the same opportunity to boost her lowest score; hope she rolls 4 sixes and boosts her strength score). 

Tearfully, Arianwyn says that she doesn't know how to make Adaine believe in the family. To make her more like Aelwyn. Adaine says she's been so cruel and loveless to her her entire life. Why would she suddenly start believing in the family now? Arianwyn seems confused. She’s been very loving. And Adaine sees that she truly believes that. She had no self awareness at all.

Arianwyn continues to try and get Adaine on her side but Adaine rebuffs her, citing her earlier cruelty. “Love without expectation what is that?” Arianwyn says. “What is expectation without love?” Adaine counters, echoing her previous words. 

Arianwyn decides she doesn’t have time for this conversation and she doesn’t want to get upset in front of Adaine. She takes Killian (who is also there btw) and leaves. Once she’s gone, Anguin says that, when this is all over, he’s going to figure out a way to “fix” her permanently and his hands crackle threateningly with magic. 

We leave her there.

Riz wakes up and he and Fig make sure that the other is alright. Then, they hear the sound of hoofbeats and see the skeletal unicorn approach them. They sense a growing malevolence from the forest. 

Meanwhile, Fabian and Gorgug travel deeper into a tunnel off the room they both found themselves in and see that it leads to an endless ocean of mist from which huge islands of rock topped with forest jut out. They can sense that their friends are close.

“Spring break?” says Fabian.

“Spring break,” Says Gorgug. 

And that’s it for the session! 

Can’t wait for next episode to start with 30 minutes of Kristen being retroactively subjected to this same caliber of absolute nonsense just when I’ve recovered from this! 

 Detention

Arianwyn for Gothel-ing it Up

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You hate to see it. You truly hate to see it.

Was really hoping (based on some in-text evidence that I’ve previously discussed but also just wanting it really bad) that Arianwyn was gonna pull through and be not The Worst but it turns out she still mega sucks, just in a different direction than Anguin.  

I will say that we’re in the Nightmare forest of Lies so it’s possible we’re being lied to in some respect and I will glady eat my words if I have to later but, idk y’all, It felt pretty real to me.

Dishonorable mention to Anguin for threatening to mind-break Adaine which is horrific but we been knew he needs to get put down. 

Honor Roll

Gorgug for Sparking Hope

Gorgug is truly just the goodest boy. I really had no idea that him dropping that rock was going to do anything. In fact, I thought it was a dumb idea because nothing about the way things were set up made me think anyone else would come his way. It all seemed pretty individualized. 

Maybe that occurred to him. Maybe it didn’t.

But one thing that for sure occurred to him was that he wanted to help his friends in any way that he could so he tried and it worked and it helped. 

Gorgug really is the very best of what the Bad Kids stand for. Spot well earned. 

Random Thoughts

Brennan name dropped Kitty Pryde in this episode so I'm gonna give y'all a fun fact. I was a big fan of X-Men Evolution as a kid. In fact, it's still my fave piece of X-Men media to date (or, at worst, a veeery close second to the OG and TAS adaptation of the Phoenix saga). Anyway, Spyke in that cartoon at least once refers to Kitty as K-Girl and every time I call Kristen that, that's where I'm getting it from. 

Riz re: The Bardy Boys: As long as you investigate and and have a song in your heart you are a Bardy Boy. (If I was in charge of D20 merch, this would be the t-shirt for the ep for sure)

I gotta give major props to Brennan for how he ran this episode. I was so curious about how it would work and I had absolute faith in him of course--he’s never disappointed with individualized encounters--but he just knocked it out of the park. 

Kristen having all the revivify diamonds Concerns me, even though I guess she is the only one who could cast it I think (besides Tracker).

Siobhan: Keep crunching. Great practice for that die later. 

Ayda really stabbed me in the heart this episode. Brennan tried to murder me and Ayda was the weapon he used. The esteem that Ayda holds Fig in after such a short period of time is so sweet, as is how completely reciprocated it is. You know that “same hat, same hat!” Meme? That’s them, but also with their trauma. 

Interesting that, to Adaine, fighting and not giving up is the scariest thing but to Riz, going to sleep and not continuing is what’s scary. Especially since they’re so similar.

Of course, the bed could be going to sleep and being possessed but I don’t think he’s scared of that now that his money is gone. 

Some INSANE stuff happened re: Kristen this episode but it barely is even a footnote compared to everything else that happened. Isn’t that wild? Isn’t it wild that Kristen is apparently a Saint that has been dead for 850 years now and we’re not talking about that? Is this gonna be one of those weird time loop things where Kristen comes to find out that she’s actually been a part of this story the whole time?

Thank you Brennan for the emotional breaks of Fabian’s Loony Tunes antics and the return of Hilda-Hilda.

Anguin is still busted up from the fight with the Bad Kids which confused me until I remembered, oh yeah. Wizards don’t get heals. That’s why you diversify your party comp BI-YATCH.

I wonder what the true nature of the forest is. Most of the figures we saw in it were fully hostile but Adaine’s future self wasn’t. Just kinda sad. Of course, that is probably the better tactic to break Adaine since if something is openly hostile to her, she just tries to hit it.

What happened to Aelwyn since the last time we saw her? Clearly, all is not well. Intestinal distress aside, she was fine the last time she actually interacted with the Bad Kids and the last time we saw her via scry there was nothing obviously wrong with her. One thing that I noticed at the time but didn’t bring up because it wasn’t relevant then was that Brennan specifically said that she was wearing wood elf clothing while Arianwyn was wearing “Deep elf” clothing. In the art, you can see that she and Anguin are dressed more “nobly” and also that Aelwyn looks not only emotionally defeated but also physically roughed up and dirty. Why would they have her dress as a wood elf, who they clearly see as inferior? Is it pure cruelty? Part of whatever ritual they were doing?  I thought for a second it might be to pass her off as a wood elf for something in connection with the mystery goddess but they all look pretty freaking related. Nuathra was able to tell that Adaine was related to Arianwyn and Aelwyn pretty quickly. And, beyond what she looks like, when Adaine spoke to her via message and Aelweyn told her to not make waves, she said please. Aelwyn used the word please. That, to me, is a MAJOR red flag.

And what changed so drastically that it got Arianwyn and Anguin back on the same side? It didn’t seem like they were working together before and Aelwyn, who I don’t think had any reason to lie at the time, also said it point blank. 

@camwritery and I were wildly speculating about the Abernants, you know, as you do, and wouldn’t it be wild if the Abernants via prophecy or whatever knew they were going to have a child who would be the Elven Oracle and since elves tend to not have more than one kid (idk if it’s like that in FH but it’s like that in a lot of stuff with elves) they assumed that kid would be Aelwyn which is why she got all the attention and Adaine--a surprise baby in this scenario--got ignored until she was suddenly became relevant to their plans?

We were also talking about how Adaine has basically walked herself right into a worst case scenario by leaving her arcane focus and jacket somewhere in the woods (not to mention getting rid of her familiar and meds). She’s pretty defenseless, which means it would be a *fantastic* time for Aelwyn to grow a spine and do her sister a solid. Like, presumably her friends will be to her soon enough but come on girl! The path to your redemption is right there, just stick the landing! My best case scenario: Anguin tries and fails to do a Detect Thoughts on Adaine to get the information she refuses to give him. He orders Aelwyn to do it. Adaine purposefully fails her save, shows Aelwyn everything she wanted to show her before, and boom. We’re in business. 

Last excerpt from that conversation: In the new art, the Abernant’s names are spelled Aelwyn, Angwyn, and Arianwen. First of all that’s nonsense and, as I said earlier, they get no rights. But, assuming that’s correct, interesting that all of their names have the same ending but Aelwyn got her dad’s spelling and not her mom’s. 

Why does Arianwyn care so much about the family name? Assuming elves do it like humans (which is a bit of an assumption I’ll admit) it wouldn’t even be her name and line. This is A LOT for a family you married into.

Fig did three low-key things this episode I thought were very sweet. One, she worried about Adaine’s meds. My thought was that she had her jacket so she’d be fine but Fig thought ahead the extra step and was worried Adaine would be too panicked to think about that. Two, upon seeing Baby was with her doppelganger Fig’s main thought was, “Oh good. At least he’s alright.” Three, she begged her doppelganger to stop and help Ayda, trying to appeal to any shared feelings for Ayda, even though she was being straight savage to her. In conclusion, Fig is a huge sweetheart and a lot more forward thinking than her actions would often suggest.

Also, “No one wants to hear the bass play solo”?????? Was that off the top of your head Emily???????????When Zac clutched his chest? I felt that.  

Not mechanically important, but Fig’s archdevil pentagram is now an anarchy symbol instead. Rock on. 

“Are you afraid to know the truth of your life?”/“Now I am.”

I was SO worried we were gonna hear some bad information about Wilma and Digby but it just turns out that they loved Gorgug so much that they cut all the toxic family members out of their life? You love to see it. 

Did this episode give anyone else major Labyrinth vibes?

Gorgug calling the Sphinx, “Mr. Sphinx.” I love him so much.

I saw people talking later about Zelda maybe having cheated on Gorgug but, tbh, the thought that that was real never really crossed my mind. I just assumed it was phone trickery because haven’t we seen phone trickery before? On the other hand, Brennan’s Good Place-esque, “Come on. You’re a popular rockstar who killed a dragon with his friends last year? Does that sound real?” torture of Gorgug was exquisite. Not to mention asking Emily which thing Fig dreads more than turning it in on itself. You could see the “game recognizes game” look in her eyes as he did that. 

The moment the Hilda-Hilda sequence started I knew exactly where it was going and it was delicious. Brennan spinning it out, baiting Emily into asking her address, the reveal? *Chef’s Kiss*

Weirdly specific point but in this episode, Fig has water she collected from a magical source boil and burst the container. That’s actually the second time this has happened to Emily, the first time being during Unsleeping City with a flask of water from Em’s fountain.

"My friends were warmer to me when I first met them than you ever have been my whole life." Really can’t wait for Adaine to get to deck her parents. We’re all rooting for you girl.

Awards for shredding my heart this week go to Fig and Adaine. Special awards to Riz for hitting a little too close to home and Brennan for facilitating this torture. I feel like I should also get to reroll my lowest skill with 4d6 for experiencing that.

As an aside, hope everyone is doing OK what with all the craziness going on in the world right now. I’m sure you don’t need another person to tell you to wash your hands and stay inside if you can but I do want to say that distracting yourself is a perfectly valid response to a situation you can’t do anything else about. I’m gonna say, if you’re into theater, check out the Six soundtrack if you haven’t already. It’s a whole bop (with a side of some history). Anyway, stay safe y’all. 

This episode, Adaine and Riz each rolled one Nat 1, Gorgug rolled two with one being cancelled out, and no one rolled any Nat 20s because it’s Bad Kid suffering hours baybee.

[lady-plantagenet]

Unsolicited Book Reviews (n3): The Sunne in Splendour

Rating:

⭐️⭐️⭐️(+1/2?)

Even before I had an account, I tended to go to tumblr to see people’s opinions before buying a histfic. Certain books are either severely underrepresented, where I feel like there needs to be something on them, whereas others, though talked about enough, something more can still be said about them. So for my quarantine fun, I have decided to start a series where I review every medieval historical fiction novel I read. Hopefully, it will either start interesting discussions or at least be some help for those browsing its tag when considering purchasing it.

TL;DR: Keep in mind that I’m harsh with my ratings. I don’t expect my historical fiction to offer some sort of insight about the human condition or be some perfectly manicured prose, but this book’s biggest detriment was its lack of depth. Some scenes packed a serious emotional punch, but then again I am attached to this era and given the length, it would be insane not to. I learned a lot - no lie, but while my background knowledge on the wars of the roses has become enriched, I feel no closer to Richard.

Plot: We follow Richard III from a young boy at eight right before the catastrophe that was Ludlow to his death and a few years after. This story seems to be told through omniscient third person point of view, which creates issues when it comes to voice - a lot of the characters sound the same (John ‘Jack’ Howard, Francis Lovell, Richard Catesby to name a few). This is only a natural consequence of the sheer amount of people Penman chose to portray. I’m honestly still grateful for this as I was not a fan of Richard III’s POV, but really enjoyed Richard Neville Earl of Warwick’s, Margaret of Anjou and Cecily Neville’s. Everytime these three were the center of the chapter, it was truly enjoyable and multi-faceted which comes to show that Penman is capable of writing complexity when she wants to. I would also like to add that the author’s knowledge of medieval life (e.g. the food, the dogs, the nature of battles) was a high point of this novel and did something to counter-balance the rampant late 20th century flavour in this novel. She tries way too hard to adapt a medieval man such as Richard to our modern values to propagate her Richardian Agenda, which ultimately underscored this.

It must be said though that the author clearly did her research as most of what she said regarding minutae such as: what day of the week it was, where the characters were at one time, details of documents, who did what in which battle, what laws were passed etc... I had just come back to this time period after some years and I thought I knew all there was to know, yet, here comes this book which springboarded me into a wealth of new research - I suppose I am grateful for that. However, do not let that delude you into thinking it is comprehensive. There were historical innacuracies which I can only guess were intentionally made for the sake of the author’s Richardian goal e.g. Anne Neville being forced into her marital duties when historicalMargaret of Anjou made it clear that there would be no consummation until Warwick would prevail at Barnet, Isabel Neville being ‘abandoned’ by her husband in France when really it was only about 4 months they were apart and it would have made no sense for Isabel to sail with an invasionary force, Richard III abolishing benevolence tax because he thought it unfair as opposed to the reality which was that he had failed in his initial attempt to raise them because the population opposed, Richard III allowing the marriage between Jane Shore and Thomas Lynsom when in reality he had initially opposed it... Historical fiction is entitled to innacuracies but given that the author made it clear in her afterword that the only time she strayed was setting a scene in Windsor as opposed to Westminster, it is dishonest to conceal the aforementioned blips, especially when they are so unobvious that it would take a seasoned enthusiast to spot them. As you can tell they either do have a negative bearing on Richard’s image as a saint or show detractors in a positive light, clearly neither that which she was in a mood to explain away.

Characterisation: I can not stress enough how well Cecily Neville was portrayed, every scene she was in, I felt. She tends to be a very difficult character to get because of the whole illegitimacy rumour which casts shades of doubt. She was proud but also pious, subservient but also commanding... just an incredible woman of gravity. I enjoyed Warwick in all his flamboyancy as well and Edward IV was masterfully portrayed as the intelligent but forgiving man that he was. You could clearly see how despite his indulgent character, he knew when it was time to be serious, it was a joy to read the scenes where he strikes people into subserviancy. Anne Beauchamp was also quite a treat for the little time we had with her.

There were also some portrayals of mixed quality: George Duke of Clarence for one, his warped sense of humour and charm were well presented, his unpredictability adequately captured. The issue I have though is that no man is unpredictable to themselves and while it may make sense for other characters to see his temperaments as those like a weather vane it would make no sense for it to be this way in the chapters where he is the POV. Penman’s basically wrote him off as crazy (I mean literally mad) for the majority of the story which is utter tripe given that the whole madness angle is a modern invention. I won’t write more on this now as it deserves its own post (btw if anyone wants me to elaborate on anything I said so far send me an ask). Last thing I will say though: the last scene we have with him is utterly tragic and still sticks with me today, honestly the best writing in this novel was during the ‘Anne’ Book and ‘Protector of the North’ in the years surrounding George’s death. Speaking of, where do I begin with Isabel Neville and Elizabeth Woodville? Their marriages with Richard’s brothers are portrayed negatively for no other reason than to set up Richard and Anne Neville as a perfect love story. This story-telling technique is cheap as hell and I did not expect to find it in a novel so highly acclaimed for its ‘quality’. Let me make this clear: The marriage which was hailed as a love match at that time was that of Elizabeth Woodville and Edward IV. Anne and Richard could have been just as much a marriage of politics as George and Isabel’s, or the latter’s just as much a love match. George fought for Isabel just as much, if not more than Richard did for Anne, George stayed loyal for a surety whereas Richard’s bastard John’s conception may have coincided with his marriage according to Hicks, Marrying Anne was highly advantageous for Richard as marrying Isabel for George... I could go on. Therefore, why is Isabel constantly described as wretched, miserable and at one point abused(!) by her husband whereas Richard was nothing but gentle to the happy Anne. The Mary of Burgundy proposal story is often cited as proof that George only cared about power... but what about Richard’s proposal to Joanna of Portugal one month after Anne died? This may sound minor but it’s a perfect example of the author trying hard to make Richard a modern romantic figure which he wasn’t. I think he may have loved Anne Neville, but that doesn’t change the fact that he was a medieval king and made marriage provisions after her death to secure the succession. For a 800+ page novel about Richard III some seminal pieces of information were left out such as his seizure of the aged Dowager Countess of Oxford’s Howard fortune, the mysterious circumstances in which George Neville Duke of Bedford died young and unmarried after becoming his ward. All in all, do not let the wonderful historical detail fool you into thinking this is a complete account of Richard III’s day to day life.

Don’t even get me started on the Woodvilles... They were all treacherous villains and social climbers who belonged in hell. EVEN ANTHONY WOODVILLE - what has he ever done to Penman or anyone? All scenes with Elizabeth Woodville at the beggining were bedding scenes pretty much, which shows that the author saw her as nothing more than a heartless seductress. There was even a point where Edward in his rage said: ‘you would lie with a leper if it meant you becoming Queen’ and I was just shocked at that. I was further shocked when her daughter Elizabeth of York was musing that if her mother had been a good wife her father wouldn’t have needed to stray and I was just like... ‘I thought we were trying to be sensible in this book 0_0’ - How is it appropriate to have a woman blamed for her husband’s infidelity? How can we have such blatant classism and sexism on the one hand and late 20th century wokeness on the other? It’s what I said earlier, the author can’t prop up Richard and Anne without putting down all other couples in this book. By the end of the book I was honestly finding myself cheering for Elizabeth Woodville as she was becoming the woman with sense and cunning as we all know her, the saving grace of this entire characterisation was that Elizabeth became the only person with a brain by the end (I doubt this was the author’s intention). Down here in this category of bad characterisation I will add Richard and Anne themselves. Anne Neville though often absolutely adorable to me lacked any personality trait apart from being in love with Richard and past sexual abuse by Edward (which didn’t historically happen). Anne’s father and only sister die and she barely thinks about them, which severely undermines her portrayal as a loving and empathetic person. Her death scene and wane was tragic and affected me as a reader but holy Christ before that the author was very heavy handed throughout the book with her martyrisation of Anne, even when she was a young girl and everything was going well she cried in nearly every goddamn scene. Yes, this is Warwick’s daughter we are talking about. Richard (unlike the real great man that once lived on this earth) was similarly flawless and any small flaw he had was something like: ‘too trusting’, ‘acts then thinks’ - essentially ‘too good for this world’ flaws. No one is like this, least of all the real Richard who would not recognise this weird contrived romanticisation of a man. The saving grace of all this is that he admitted around the end to himself and Anne that he did want to be king a little bit, which YES, at least we get that because no one goes through all the procedures he did and endangers the survival of their house, unless they wanted to become king, at least a little bit. All in all, if Penman’s Richard III is the real man, all I have to say is: thank god his reign was cut short because this character would have made a terrible and weak monarch.

Prose: And here is where another of the stars was deducted. The prose is largely very pedestrian. It was full of modern phrases such as ‘hear me out’, ‘He thinks I am in the wrong’ ‘he can’t get away with this’ and other such likes. Also, I know it’s difficult to write a book where everyone’s names are Elizabeth, Edward, Richard and Anne, but apart from ‘Nan’ which was a nickname of that time, the modernity of ‘Bess’, ‘Bella’ or ‘Lisbet’ and the use of them in-text and not just dialogue, did much to draw me out of the medieval era. This is not just a criticism towards Penman but a grand majority of historical fiction novelists of this period. Having said that, her choice to cut conjunctions and use the word ‘be’ intead of ‘is’ or ‘are’ did not bother me at all and I found it effective in dating the language a bit. I appreciate that writing in poetic prose for 800+ pages is extremely difficult, but other’s have done it. And even in other novel where that’s not the case, the writing is still profound and impactful and conveys a deeper meaning, whereas here it’s more of a fictionalised history book. The author appears to have some imagination as the few scenes she made up e.g. Catherine Woodville’s visit to Richard or Edward summoning Edmund’s previous carer John to talk about Edmund as he was trying to deal with the grief of losing George, any scene with Cecily Neville in it, Anne Neville and Veronique (OC lady-in-waiting to her) when they were in hiding, Rosamund and Richard at the end, Margaret of Anjou when she was lodged at that abbey, When Stillington visited George before his death to give him a rosary and last rites and he refused to get them from him, Anne and Richard going to Middleham and Isabel’s lying in state were just some of them. However, even if you took all those well-written scenes and stuck them together they would not be more than maybe 150 pages which is not good in such a massive novel. I really don’t know how I would rank the prose, I feel weird saying it’s at the low bestseller level because at least it’s not overwritten and annoying, however, it lacked a lot of soul most of the time, which is dissapointing given what Penman had to work with. I can see that the author has some strengths, for example she’s good at writing about the weather and the natural landscape, she’s also good at describing facial expressions. But her massive flaw is dialogue and flow - especially the latter. The flow is hindered by her abject inability to weave historical events and their happenings into the prose, so she often settles for an exposition dump, especially when it comes to some male chatacter’s POV such as John Howard, Francis Lovell or Buckingham. A lot of the characters exposited at each other too, which wasted the opportunity for some serious character profiles. Basically too much telling and not enough showing. In conclusion, It didn’t always feel clunky, expository or laboured, but it way too often did for the good to be redeemed by the bad prose-wise.

In Conclusion, I cheated on this book a couple of times when it dragged, but got right back into it whenever the good sections came along. It is one of these books which people cannot stop raving about and I can’t stress how much I wanted to love it when I got it. It’s nice being a fan of something a lot of people are too for once, but it was just not to be. But at least now I can say I have read the cult classic of this histfic niche which apparently everyone has read and cried over. Even though it took me 7 months where others got through it in a week through sleepless nights. Despite all the negativity in this review, I would still reccomend it as it is a solid book and written by someone who clearly gets the conflict and time period. You will learn lots with this book (I intend to keep it as a sort of timeline) regarding things that you might otherwise find too dry to research in depth e.g. battle strategies and sieges. But what you will not learn about is the characters’ psychologies and personalities though Penman tries very hard and heavy-handedly to exposit their feelings to us.

[evakuality]

Let’s talk about Davenzi

(Because, let’s be honest, when do I not talk about them?)

A few Davenzi ideas have been swirling around in my brain recently, helped along by a couple of things: the discussion at Hos2 about what represents Davenzi’s relationship, and a conversation in a chat about the ways in which their dynamic works (I love every single one of you in that discussion!  I hope I manage to do justice to some of the things you were saying).  I felt like what they said at the con was part of what represents their relationship, but it’s not all of it.  Anyway, it got me thinking about what I’d choose as the one word to represent their relationship, and it all boils down to one thing: equality.  I know we say that for all these couples but I dunno, I just feel like for these two that digs deeper in many ways, and while I don’t think any of the relationships is unequal there are some things that just make me feel like ‘equality’ is MOST applicable to these two.

Similar ages

This one is probably the one that’s the most ‘well, yeah, obviously’ of them all and yet it’s quite an important one, to me.  I’m not totally familiar with all the other evaks, but from my admittedly not-so-awesome gleaning from gifs and discussions on tumblr they seem for the most part to fit the ‘slightly older Even and younger Isak’ model that we got in the original.  Whereas here, we have two boys at a similar age and stage in their lives.  They’re both in their final year at school and both are on the verge of having to move out into the world.  They’re both facing things that are new and scary for the first time.  Why is this important?  Well, you can’t have the Even character telling the Isak character ‘I forgot how young you are’ as a means of establishing his own authority in understanding how the world works (and which Isak takes on board), and it means that neither of them is the follower in the way that Isak is with Even for such a long time.  The thing is, once you have these two characters who are the same age then you end up with a couple that has to operate from that basis rather than the one we see in the original.  A lot of the things we see in the rest of this little list stem from the fact that because of this change these two characters operate in a different way, and one that means they understand each other quite differently than Evak does, for example.

Similar life experiences

There are some obvious differences in their life experiences, but there are some things that are really similar and again that mean they tend to approach some things in a similar way.  Not everything, clearly (Matteo is far more likely to go barging headfirst into things and be more direct than David), but enough that we can see the way these things have shaped them.  First, neither one seems to be living with parents.  They’ve both moved out and away from situations that weren’t great for their wellbeing.  So they both have some sort of understanding of why the other might be feeling shitty about some things.  They don’t really acknowledge that in words, apart from their discussion during conversation number one about getting in a car and just getting away, but they both approach the other with the same sort of care and tenderness almost from the start.  This is partly because they both crave it because they haven’t had as much of it, but partly because they can both sense that need in the other.  Each of them knows instinctively what the other might be feeling and why, and what to do about it.  

Second, neither of them has an established relationship with anyone else.  Matteo is closer, but his relationship with Sara is so obviously not fulfilling in any way and it doesn’t give him any insights into how to be in a relationship with someone in a genuine way.  What this means is that neither of them is knowledgeable about how to be in a relationship, and is part of what prompts the entirely awkward meetings in the hallways at school in the early days.  Neither of them is experienced enough to go ‘okay, fine, I’ll take the lead on this one’ and so they both have to feel their way gently and hesitantly.  That hesitance is part of why they end up working so well together.  They’ve had to feel their way through this thing, and figure out what it might look like, together.  It also means that neither of them has an ex in a position to put words in the other’s mouth because of prior knowledge they have, and so we get them both being forced to talk to each other.  I know we all like to laugh at them and their ‘say it with words, directly’ thing, but in actual fact they have been forced to do it (sometimes by each other) and so they do know what they’re talking about.  They have both, at times, had to make themselves vulnerable verbally because there’s been no other way, no-one else has been there to do it for them.  This has, of course, had the effect that they both know exactly where they stand fairly early on (comparatively to Isak, for example).

Supporting each other

This is probably the biggest one, for me.  Probably partly because of their similarities in age and experiences, they have both taken a lot of care of the other fairly quickly and effectively when the other has needed it.  Matteo compliments David’s art, David compliments Matteo’s tech skills; they let each other know they think the other one is cool.  David steps in to save Matteo on the bus, he stays behind to clean up after the neon party because Matteo got in trouble for leaving things messy previously, he’s the one who takes the lead in the empty pool when it’s obvious Matteo needs that etc etc.  Matteo steps up after the middle episodes where he’s still looking after himself (and I kind of love that they were apart during that time, even while it really sucked to live through it, because it gave them both time to develop on their own).  So, after David returns in episode 7 Matteo’s very gentle and tender with him, there’s no demands for answers (at least not at first), and all he wants is to make David feel safe and happy.  He takes care of David through the awkward ‘let’s make a petition’ thing from his friends, his care and attention is all on David during the entire last 3 episodes and he even goes against his own normal instincts to give David what he needs: space and time.  

In fact, if we look at it holistically, David looks after Matteo for episodes 2-4, episodes 5-7 they’re their own support (with some help from other friends of course), and episodes 8-10 Matteo is David’s support.  Of course, this isn’t set in stone and there is some bleed through in all these sections, but that’s the basic arc of this support system they have. Neither of them has a bigger caretaker/leader role; they share those roles when the other one needs it. Then when we get to the Abi stuff and onwards, they’re both very good with each other: David encouraging Matteo to study, Matteo encouraging David with his movie etc etc.  They’re just genuinely equal in all of this.  Not only that, but the support they give each other is tender and careful when they need that and more teasing or forceful when they need that sort.  They get each other on a really deep level, partly because they are quite similar in some ways.

Similar personalities

The thing is that, while there are some obvious differences, the two of them share certain traits that mean they click with each other in ways that Evak don’t.  That’s not to say Evak (or any of the others, though I don’t know them so well) don’t click, because they obviously do.  They click more in a ‘we match each other by filling out the missing parts’ way, whereas with Davenzi they match more like ‘we are similar and understand each other’s needs because of that’ way.  Neither way is better, of course, but it’s just interesting that this is how they are.  They can both be quietly there for the other, doing things in a way that means the other gets what he needs but without calling attention to themselves.  For example, David’s clean up after the party isn’t done to be obvious to Matteo.  He has no idea if he’ll even see him, but he does it anyway to help and to be supportive because that’s what Matteo needs.  Matteo recognises that David needs the comfort and support of someone being there for him before he comes out, and he offers him that.  He stands up for David and what he needs in the big group meeting after David goes to his godmother without ever knowing if David will be back or know that he’s done it, but just because he knows what he needs.  

But they also both have some little shit in them, and some aggression or forcefulness, and they both know when to use it to push the other one.  So Matteo pushes David the same day he comes out to him when it becomes obvious that he’s going to run away again.  He also pushes him when he returns to the pool after David comes back to Berlin.  He teases him when he’s about to give up on his movie and in all these cases this approach has been what David needs.  David, in his turn, makes Matteo study by letting him know what it would be like if he had to return to school and thus in some ways by letting him know that they’d stop being equals if that were to happen, which Matteo resents and thus is the impetus behind him reluctantly studying, and which David 100% knows and is why he uses this approach.  He also spends a lot of time challenging Matteo to break out of his apathy and his rut early in the season.  Unlike Matteo, he isn’t aggressive about it, but he’s absolutely sure about what sort of push Matteo needs.  Again, each time, the approach David uses is the one that Matteo needs in that moment.  They just both get each other on some sort of deep level because they both have the same sort of qualities themselves and can put themselves into each other’s shoes.

The other thing we can’t really ignore is that they have some similarities which are less good.  They can both withdraw and disconnect from the world around them, shutting people out in ways which are damaging to them (Matteo after he gets David’s text withdraws into his room and stays there for days for example, and David pulls back from intimacy with Matteo because he’s scared).  In this, they are also equals even if they show it in different ways, and it’s something they do end up working on and with together.  They can also both be tempted to ‘run away from it all’ as they both suggested in their first conversation.  In fact, this side is one of the things that first made them feel connected to each other: hey this guy understands my desire to get the fuck out of here.  This side comes out in different ways, of course (Matteo’s is more emotionally distanced, whereas David’s is more physically distant), but these are still qualities which each of them has and recognises in the other.  What’s good about that is that because they share these similarities they know how to approach the other one.

And that’s why all of these things together add up to two people who are on so much of the same wavelength.  They can playfight and be silly together, but when they need or want it they can be sweet and careful with each other, they can tell each other home truths when they need to.  They know how and when to support each other and how and when to prank each other.  And they each give as good as they get, neither of them has more of a caretaker or leadership role over the other.  They each take that role at various times in the relationship.  Because they are equal in so many ways.  There is obviously so much more that can be said about this relationship, and the ways in which they are different has some interesting impacts on their dynamic as well.  But I just really like that at its heart, this relationship is one where both partners are equal - in both their good qualities and their less admirable ones.