Hello, I am writing to you as a 22-year-old girl who managed to enter the void on the night of May 17 and changed her whole life.
I started my voidย challenge in December 2021. It was very difficult for me both physically and psychologically. Because I had an environment that was abusive and violent. And my conditions were very terrible. I had an exam that I couldn't win for 3 years, an alcoholic father who beat me, and a mother who never let up on it. I have lost a lot of things in my life in 3 years, but I have never given up on emptiness. If there are people who are still struggling with the gap, I hope my success story will be a motivation for you.
One morning when I woke up with failure again, I was feeling extremely unhappy and hopeless. But an incident at home during the day made me say, โThat's enough, I'm going to fuck everything up tonight and wake up in a void.
When I wasn't feeling very sleepy- or even sleepy at all- I lay down on the bed. Because I'm afraid to fall asleep. In order of;
15 min Holotropic breathwork
20 min Silva method
10 min Alpha State meditation
After lying motionless for about 45 minutes, the brown noise started playing. It is very natural that there is a desire to move, to be overwhelmed,to give up in this part. Please continue for your dreams. When the brown noise was playing, I used a single affirmation.ย
โI'm simply deciding that I'm in a void.โ
I can't remember how many times I repeated it. After a while, everything became quiet and I felt so peaceful for the first time in my life. I had a 30-page document and I said that everything in there would be manifested.
A day ago, when I had nothing, I now have a house on the Mediterranean coast, a black bmw ix car, a Harvard math degree, an online job where I earn 25 thousand dollars per month by working only 4 hours a day 4 days a week (Dollars are very valuable in the country where I live, and my salary is multiplied by about 30.), I have a beautiful face, body and skin. I also showed that I can ride horses professionally and draw pictures. I confirmed that the apple products, books, cosmetics and skin products in my wishlist are also in my house. I have also declared the person I will meet about 1 year from now and who will become the man of my dreams.
THIS IS AMAZING!!!! Iโm so happy that youโre now living your dream life ๐
This is such a good example of showing people that they can truly do anything. Thank you for taking your time to share this ๐
it was exactly january 1st, 2021, when i began my self-development journey. i think most of us experienced some unpleasant things in 2020. that year led me to my spiritual path and taught me many things about loving myself. i spent my whole year by myself, meditating, reading books, and practicing conscious manifesting. these things brought out the best in me and guided me on how i perceive the world and life in a better way.
1. don't try to fit in. after all, you are not here to stay.
in my high school days, i always wanted to fit in because it was so hard for me to make friends while observing my other classmates; it was so effortless for them. i wanted to have that friend group, so i tried to fit in by doing what they were doing so i could be acceptable to them.
it was so unhealthy to dislike other people, judge them behind their backs, and waste each other's time. i became someone i am not. i eventually left them because i realized, "if these people i am with can speak negatively about others behind their backs, what makes me think that they are not going to do that to me as well?"
we all want to feel like we belong, but being someone you are not is not the way to feel like you belong. isn't it exhausting always trying to fit in to feel like you belong?
you are supposed to stand out. you are supposed to have your own personality and embrace your qualities. after you love yourself enough and embrace yourself, the right people will come to you, and you will not feel like you are trying to fit in. our life is too short to spend trying to fit in; we might as well look within and be who we are meant to be.
2. don't follow the crowd they are also lost.
it is almost the same as the first one, but this one concerns following society or social norms. we are taught to do one thing because it is more acceptable than the other. who is accepting it? did they say something when they accepted it? are they proud because we followed them?
i thought i had always wanted to be a flight attendant, so i took a tourism degree. where does that thought come from? it was from my family; growing up, they mentioned that i should either be in hospitality or take a tourism degree. i wanted them to be proud of me, so i took that degree, thinking it was my dream.
while i decided to choose that, i didn't consider any other degree because i thought i wanted that for myself. i was not aware. this is the first thing i learned in 2021: to choose the life i want for myself; unapologetically, i am now following the path i am supposed to take while in college.
there is always something in our hearts that we want to do. follow that even if you think it is ridiculous. follow that, even if other people think it is ridiculous. just because you do something different doesn't mean you are crazy. i mean, the world is crazy enough, and following the crowd without awareness is one of them.
3. when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
everything is perception. the meaning you give to everything in your life becomes your reality. and if we think about it, this is a life-changing lesson. the way you look at things determines whether you are going to be mad, happy, sad, or envious. our eyes don't see; our eyes are the only tool our mind uses. and our mind will determine what perception it is that we have.
do you believe that people are kind and friendly or out to get you? whatever you choose, that is what you will create for yourself.
it is about changing your attitude towards situations that did not come your way. change how you look at things in a way that will serve you better so that what is outside of you doesn't control what you feel.
it doesn't mean that if you change your perception, the situation will change as well; it will not, but it will change how you see it. it is how we see things that make us live better. it is inside what we need to change to see life in a beautiful way to create a beautiful life we will love to look at.
remember, where we focus our energy, it will expand. it is nice to develop positivity and love just by focusing on it. i don't mean to have toxic positivity. of course, not every day is love and light; we can dwell on it, but we also have to know when to stop.
4. don't take it personally.
i have learned this the hard way, and i am still learning. other people might say something about us, but it is not about us; what they say is more about them. when somebody calls me "dumb, ugly, stupid, weak, worthless," it is not about me; it is about them.
tell me, what kind of person will say that to another person if they are mentally sane? maybe they are having a bad day and decided to put that on me; perhaps they feel that inside and put that on me (without being aware); it is never about us.
the same goes for someone who calls you "beautiful, nice, amazing"; do you think a person will tell you that if they don't already see that in themselves?
hurt people hurt people, and healed people heal people.
but whenever you are being judged and criticized negatively, remember that a person who is love and light will spread love and light. try not to get upset with people. what they say or what they do is powerless without your reaction. if we get frustrated, we take their trash and make it our own. how can we see life better if our environment controls our thoughts and feelings?
5. introspective work is the most important thing to do.
we are the only ones in our inner world; why not make it a safe space for us? try filling it with love, positive thoughts, and kindness. our inner world reflects our outer world.
you see, if you feel good, you do good and smile at the world. but when we are feeling negative, especially mad, we sometimes put that on other people. if we feel envious, resentful, anxious, or depressed, these are things that we should work on inside, not outside.
we cannot control what is outside; the environment, the situation, and the turbulence on our journey are beyond our control. what we can only control is what is inside.
everything starts within. even in manifesting, we don't look at our reality and ask, "where is it? where is my manifestation?" we see that in our minds first before it comes to fruition. we believe and feel that we already have it; we even fix our self-concept to align with the vibration of what we want before it manifests in our reality. all these things come from our inner world.
do much reflection on how you speak to yourself in your mind, and be aware if it is kind or tormenting you. suppose you think that the outer world is quite harsh. in that case, people are being unkind, or you feel negative about life, turn to your inner world; maybe you are neglecting something inside of you that needs the most attention and introspection.
๐ฏ entryfromsane003 (extracted from the old blog two years ago)
i was wondering if you could write something about harry and famous!reader where theyโve been dating for a while and reader makes cameos in harryโs music videos (sometimes big parts and sometimes small parts in the background) and itโs just a cute thing that harry and reader love and so do their fans๐
pairing: Harry Styles x famous!reader
a/n: Thank you so much for requesting, I hope you like it!
liked by hArrysbtch, harrysmoustache and 44 302 others
harryupdates HARRY and YN for LIGHTS UP music video!!!
view all 4 302 comments
hArrysbtch WTFJSIW
hArrysbtch he mistook the 'tube' app. it wasn't meant for YouTube. no way.
harrysmoustache well... I've never thought I would see a video of THE yn and THE harry grinding against each other. especially in a video that was APPROVED by both of them
stylesbabie it's a great day to be bi ๐ณ๏ธโ๐
harrysmylife but but but, the scene were suddenly all other people disappear and they are alone just 'brushing'??? CINEMA
Warnings:ย car accident, injured!reader, bitchy girlfriend, angst, fluff at the end
Request by @jessicalynnann: Iโm requesting another one lol. Can I get a request where the reader and Jensen are best friends and Jensen is falling in love with her but his gf is really rude to her and makes him choose. Well the reader hears and distances herselfโฆ well Jensen realizes it is too late and the best friend is the one that makes him happy but the reader gets into an bad accident. You decided the ending. Thanks.!!!ย
Summary:ย Jensen is back in town with his new girlfriend and is hosting a barbecue to get together with everyone and catch up. This is the first time you're meeting her, and she doesn't take you to as kindly as she leads everyone to believe she is.
Square Filled:ย in vino veritas (2021) for @spndeanbingo
Authorโs Note:ย any and all comments are appreciated <3
x
Jensen hasnโt even been back for more than a week and heโs already having a barbecue at his cabin in the mountains. He rents the place out every summer and invites everyone he knows to stay with him for the weekend. The place is big enough to house two dozen people and Jensen knows a lot of people. Itโs been a few months since Jensen has been home since heโs traveling with his new girlfriend. You havenโt met her yet but you have talked to Jensen about her. He seems to be crazy about her so youโre not going to ruin what they have.
Yes, you have a crush on him. Yes, you love him. Yes, youโd do anything to make him happy. Yes, he is your best friend. No, you wonโt do anything about it because he seems to be happy. What kind of friend would you be if you took that away from him?
Once you finish getting ready into a summer flowy dress, you grab the food you cooked and pile into your car. The cabin is located in the mountains up north so it takes you an hour to get there. There are already a bunch of people there but you donโt mind being later than everyone else. You pull into the driveway and see Jaredโs car indicating that him and his wife are already here.
You let yourself into the house and enter the kitchen to place your food there when you see a young and beautiful woman. She must be Denise, Jensenโs girlfriend. You recognize her from the photos heโs sent you.
โOh, hi. Denise?โ
She looks you up and down as if sheโs judging you.
โYeah. You must be Y/N.โ
โItโs nice to meet you,โ you smile.
โYou have such a cute dress on. Donโt let the drinks ruin it.โ
Itโs the way she says this that makes ou suspicious. She seems a bit passive-aggressive like she doesn't like you. Instead of giving you a chance, sheโs already decided that she doesnโt like you. Youโre not going to let her ruin your night because you came here for one thing and one thing only.
โI can handle myself. Where is Jensen?โ
Speaking of, your best friend walks inside the kitchen using the back door with containers of food in his hands. He looks at you and a big smile breaks out on his face.
โY/N! You came!โ He sets down the food and scoops you into his arms. You donโt miss the way Denise is glaring at you two. โIโve missed you.โ
โIโve missed you, too.โ
โBaby, you promised youโd show me around,โ Denise says and pulls her boyfriend away from you. โRemember? You said youโd do it when you got done outside.โ
โYeah, youโre right.โ He turns to you. โIโll be right back. Jared and Gen are outside.โ
โOkay,โ you nod.
Denise practically drags him away, leaving you all alone. You shake off this bad feeling youโre getting and join the others outside. Jared is talking to some guys off to the side while Gen is heping prep the table for the food. Joshua, Jensenโs brother, is using the grill to make his famous chicken on the other side of the backyard.
โY/N!โ Jared says a bit too loudly.
โWhoa, are you okay?โ you chuckle and hug him.
โYeah, Iโm great.โ
Jared has always been a light weight despite how tall he is. He definitely has the weight to keep the effects of alcohol away but he acts like heโs a hundred pounds when he drinks. It only takes a few drinks to really get him going.
โWhat number of drink is that?โ
โThree?โ
โYou drink any more, youโll bring out Doug. Do you really want to do that?โ
โProbably not,โ he chuckles.
You have fond memories of Jaredโs alter ego coming out after heโs had too many to drink. The night usually ends in the cops being called but itโs memories you love to think about.
โSo, I met Denise.โ
Jared starts laughing at the tone of your voice.
โYeah, everyone has that same reaction when they first meet her.โ
โWhat is her problem?โ
โI donโt know. Sheโs not the best person to be around but no one says anything because it seems like Jensen is happy. Theyโve only been dating for a few months but they seem happy together.โ
Jensen and Denise come back from the self-tour and you watch as she clings to his side even though he wants to go over to his friends and converse. He has a smile on his face that doesnโt quite reach his ears. He might be happy but itโs not true happiness.
โYou donโt know him like I do.โ
You leave Jaredโs side to join Jensenโs. He has yet to tell you about his trip and nowโs the perfect time to do that. Itโs been so long since youโve seen him, you just want to be around him. However, Denise sees you walking over to them and she tugs on Jensenโs arm to grab his attention. She leans in and whispers something in his ear that causes him to chuckle.
โSure,โ he nods.
They both walk off before you can get to them, and Denise looks back at you to gauge your reaction. You pretend like you weren't walking to them and veer to the right where Gen is. She says something to you but youโre not paying attention. You stare at the couple until they disappear around the corner of the house. Jensen didnโt even see you coming toward him.
You push down your feelings and enjoy the company of everyone else until dinner is served. Jensen took the seat next to you before Denise could pull him away so she is forced to take the other side of him. Everyone digs into the delicious food immediately and the conversation somehow gets on the topic of how stupid Jensen has been in his past.
โOnce Jared told me I couldn't do it, I had to prove him wrong. I climbed up to the roofย and got ready to jump into the pool.โ
โI told him not to do it but he wouldnโt listen,โ you chuckle.
โYeah, so I got a running head start and jumped off into the pool. I made it in but it was shallower than I thought, and I broke my arm on the side of the pool.โ
โYou were a big cry baby,โ you laugh and lean on his arm in laughter. โI held your hand the entire way to the hospital.โ
โThat you did,โ he smiles down at you.
Deniseโs jaw ticks in annoyance and jealously. She grabs her alcoholic drink and walks past you as if she is going to get a refil. However, she โtripsโ and she spills her entire drink all over your new dress. You gasp from how cold it is and stand up in shock.
โOh, I am so sorry!โ Denise apologizes.
โShit, thatโs cold!โ
You look down at your dress to see the alcohol already staining your dress. You look at Denise and see the malicious intent in her eyes. She might be faking an apology but you know she couldnโt care less about this. She did this on purpose.
โHere, come with me. Let me clean this up before the stain sets.โ
โDo you need me to come with you?โ Jensen asks.
โNo, I got this,โ Denise chuckles.
She takes you into the cabin before you haveย achance to say anything. As soon as the door is closed, she becomes a whole other person. She drops the nice girl act and shows her true colors.
โI donโt know what your problem is, but stay away from my boyfriend.โ
โMy problem? What are you talking about?โ
You grab some napkins to dab your dress without her help.
โYou can play games all you want but heโs mine, and Iโll make your life miserable if you keep doing what youโre doing.โ
โI donโt want him,โ you lie.
โPlease,โ she scoffs and rolls her eyes, โI saw the way you were looking at him the entire night. Stay away from him or Iโll do more than pour alcohol down your dress.โ She walks back to the door but pauses because sheโs not done talking. โI am better than you in every way. You might be the best friend but Iโm his girlfriend, and I always get what I want.โ She gives you a sweet smile as if she didnโt just threaten you. โItโs nice to meet you though. Sorry about the dress.โ
As soon as she leaves the kitchen, tears roll down your cheeks. You canโt go back out there looking like a mess so you dry your cheeks and your dress as much as possible before going back outside. Everyone is mostly done with dinner so theyโre standing around instead of sitting. Jensen immediately walks over to you with a look of concern on his face.
โHey, are you okay? I can pay for the dry cleaning.โ
You look at Denise who is watching you with careful eyes. Jensen might genuinely be happy with her so you canโt take that away from him and tell him how rotten his girlfriend is. Plus, would he even believe you? Yes, youโre his best friend but would he believe you over his girlfriend?
โNo, itโs okay. It was a misunderstanding,โ you sigh.
โAre you sure?โ
โYeah.โ
You excuse yourself and walk over to Jared who has been watching you three the entire night. He had two glasses of water at dinner so heโs sobered up some more. He sees the look of defeat on your face and nudges you arm.
โThey wonโt last.โ
โWhat?โ
โI donโt see them lasting another month.โ
โWhy would I care?โ
โCome on,โ Jared chuckles. โWe all know youโre in love with him.โ
โShut your mouth, Jared,โ you snap.
โWhat, am I wrong?โ
You look at Jensen and Denise who are all over each other. She has her arms wrapped around his neck and his hands are low on her hips. You have to hold back your tears.
โIt doesnโt matter how I feel. She clearly doesnโt want me around.โ
โGive it time.โ
Jensen and Denise walk into the cabin to do God only knows what, and you decide itโs best if you leave now. You donโt want to spend the night and have to hear them through the walls.
โAs much fun as this whole thing has been, I should go now.โ
You give Jared a side hug so you donโt get the alcohol on him.
โGood luck.โ
You canโt leave this party without saying goodbye to Jensen. Youโll steal a couple of minutes and leave and that will be that. You donโt even have to give him a hug goodbye . You walk inside the house in search of your best friend. You walk past the kitchen into the living room where you overhear Denise and Jensen talking.
โWhatโs wrong? You were fine when we showed up.โ
โI donโt like that you spend so much time with her. Iโm your girlfriend who loves you.โ
โSheโs my best friend.โ Great, theyโre talking about you. How can you go in there now? Itโll only be awkward and youโll give away that youโve been listening. โWe grew up together.โ
โYouโre with me now. Y/N needs to find someone she loves and leave us alone. I donโt want to be rude but itโs obvious she wants you.โ
You canโt see Jensenโs face from where youโre at but you can only imagine what it looks like.
โYouโre overreacting.โ
โDo you have feelings for her? Is that why youโre being this way?โ
You hold your breath and wait for his answer.
โBe this way? What are you talking about?โ
โItโs me or her. Pick one. You canโt have both.โ
You canโt bear the thought of hearing his answer because there is a chance that he might choose her. You quickly leave the room without hearing his answer and escape to your car. You shouldnโt have come. He has been with Denise for months across the world. He probably has a lot more fun with her than he does with you. Heโs found someone to replace you with. You canโt fault him for choosing her. She can give him everything you canโt.
You peel out of the driveway and start the journey back home. Tears are flowing down your cheeks making it harder to see the road in front of you. Itโs a particularly windy day so your car is slightly shaking; nothing you canโt control. It doesnโt help youโre driving in the mountains with no light except for that of your headlights. Through your tears, you donโt see the car on the other side of the roading coming straight at you.
You hit him going seventy miles an hour head on, and youโre thrown from the windshield and onto the groound. You left in such a hurry that you forgot to put your seatbelt on. The car you hit is a much bigger car than yours so it doesnโt have nearly as much damage as yours. The car slams on its break before slowly driving off, leaving you on the ground outside.
You gasp in pain and stare at the starry sky above you. Blood runs down your body and pools on the ground. You never took time to admire how pretty the night sky is. Your entire body is in pain but there is a certain peace that comes with being on the brink of death. You close your eyes to get some sleep when you hear someone calling your name off in the distance.
How much time has passed? It seems like minutes but could have been for much longer.
โY/N!โ Jensen gasps and slides on the ground when he gets to you. You open your eyes and see red and blue lights flashing off his face. โIโm right here. Youโre going to be okay. Just hang on for me, okay? Please be okay.โ
โSir, you need to move.โ
Jensen is pulled back so the paramedics can come in and do their job. You close your eyes because youโre so fucking tired. You feel yourself being lifted off the ground and onto something softer than the ground. Youโre wheeled on a gurney into the ambulance with Jensen following closely behind.
โSir, only family are allowed inside.โ
โIโm her husband,โ Jensen shouts and pushes past the paramedics.
They allow him to sit inside and be with you until they get to the hospital. Jensen grabs your bloody hand just as you roll your head to the side. You barely squeeze his hand to let him knwo youโre with him and not going toward the light no matter how tempting it might be.
โIโm right here, sweetheart. Iโm holding your hand.โ
The next time you open your eyes, youโre confronted with blinding white lights. Is this what Heaven is like? Did you die? You blink a few times to correct your vision and see youโre not in Heaven but a hospital room. You groan softly and look to your right where Jensen is. He is holding your hand with his head lowered like heโs praying. When he hears your painful groan, his head snaps up.
โSweetheart. Hey, Iโm right here.โ
โJensen?โ you croak.
โDo you need some water?โ You nod and he grabs a small cup of water. He helps you drink before setting the cup down. โHow are you feeling?โ
โWhat happened?โ
โYou collided with another car. The bastard left instead of staying but cops found him near where the cabin is. Thereโs only one road going in and out of town so it wasnโt hard to spot the truck with bumper damage. Your car is totaled though.โ
Oh, yeah. The reason why you didn't see the other car is because you had tears flowing out of your eyes the entire time. Why were you crying? Right. Jensen was going to choose Denise over you. You take your hand away from his when you remember this and shift further from him.
โWhere is Denise?โ
โGone.โ Your eyes snap to his. โI broke up with her.โ
โWhat? Why?โ
โShe made me choose. Anyone who makes me choose isnโt good enough to be with me.โ
โWhat did she make you choose?โ you ask even though you know the answer.
โIt was either you or her, and you should know by now I will always choose you.โ
โYou shouldnโt have had to do that.โ
โIโm glad she did.โ He grabs your good hand and kisses the back of it. โI was blind to who was by my side my entire life.โ
You smile and run your thumb on the back of his hand.
โWhat does this mean?โ
โFirst, you get better. Then, Iโm going to show you just how much I love you.โ
โDeal,โ you smile shyly.
x
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A note from Daniel (new epilogue from You Will Get Through This Night)
Thank you for reading This Night. Writing this book in 2021, while sitting locked down in a lightless basement apartment for months, had a certain self-fulfilling irony that was not lost on me.
In many ways, I wrote this book for not only my past self that I wish could have known these things when I needed them most - but for the guy sitting in an incredibly uncomfortable, hunched, t-rex-esque position typing, that needed it right then. Like many of you, I thought those particularly fun couple of years were a temporary inconvenience, that I wouldn't have to age the book by diving into. And here we are. I hope you enjoyed that new chapter about resilience and whatever the hell a 'polycrisis' is. Turns out certain global events do have an additional effect on our mental health - it's understandable that you may try to power through it and pretend it never happened, but we all deserve to take whatever time we need to honestly process how life makes us feel. I hope you're doing alright.
My journey of reflecting honestly on my own life experiences and lifestyle while writing was โฆlike spontaneously punching yourself in the stomach. "Wow. I really live like this? That is apparently not conducive to a healthy mind. Oops. Guess I'll go touch some grass." I'm happy if that made this a more entertaining read occasionally.
Even now, I find myself continually re-reading the book in those small moments of first emotional reaction to situations where I now at least think "Wait - what was I supposed to do here? Right. Not catastrophise." If this is you - that is fine. You are not expected to perfectly memorise this book or retain all knowledge you hear in life. I know I don't. If you're ever sat next to me in the emergency exit aisle of a plane, know that you may be required to physically throw me out of the door in order to inflate the slide because I was busy during the briefing, imagining how my life would have been different if I actually had the nerve to dye my hair black that time in school. I am at peace with that.
It was honestly terrifying for me to try and mine the content of my life to try and actually illustrate advice for people that may really need it โฆfor me to honestly look at the balance between joking about my mental health, and really getting real. Hey - if your attempt at opening up via some humour comes out a bit offensive, you still get points for at least putting it on the table. That's progress.
This is not a book about me. I am here just as an example of terrible behaviour that you have permission to have an inappropriate public transport snort at, and as a writer who has repeatedly not finished traditional 'self-help' or scientific study books for being dry, unrelatable and preachy. I just hope you found this moist, identifiable and accepting of all of your beautiful flaws. So many flaws. I often worried if any of the material was maybe obvious, or something you could stumble across on the second page of Google - then I had a small moment of honesty with myself contemplating my own ignorance, commitment to procrastination, attention span โฆand the fact that factually just 0.63% of all people searching online, ever bother clicking to the second page of results. If you already knew some of this, good for you. Honestly. You must literally be happy with yourself. I'm just looking in the mirror and trying to do something for the 99.37% of humanity that spend their lives never successfully researching how to not lay awake at night fantasising about their doom. Look forward to the upcoming pocket size book of 'offensively self-destructive jokes' by Dan - or 700-page memoir of my yet un-girthy, mostly unremarkable life so far if that's what you're really looking for.
Perhaps the most terrifying result of releasing this book into the world, has been coming face to face with those of you that have read it. For in these moments, all of my protective self-deprecating persona comes crashing down in an instant when someone says this book made them feel better. Hearing that this book was the first time they finished anything tangentially related to self-improvement, or that just one thing they read was a new perspective on a part of their life they needed, makes me feel my mission in life is already complete. Seeing it be recommended by bookstores amongst all the other choices, hearing that people have shared it with their therapists or had it suggested to them by a professional, is an unbelievable seal of approval that I appreciate. I am so inarticulably grateful to have been given the opportunity to do anything that could make your life easier, more peaceful, more enjoyable. I've met people who annotated this book with post-its, told me they listen to audiobook exercises on their commute - and even a few people that have had illustrations tattooed onto them as a symbolic reminder of a message.
All of this puts that year of typing like some kind of infinite monkey at a typewriter into perspective. I'd do it all again. Mostly. It has been the greatest privilege of my life to be the guy whose name is printed on this book, and I just hope that reading it helped you, as much as writing it helped me.
+ sae x f!reader | wc 3.2k | content: angst, insecurities, death
notes: iโm sorry idk how this came about but i was in a mood :โ) i promise i love him okay <3 feedback & reblogs appreciated !!
summary: heโs back home, and you recall the times youโd spoken to him. all the calls you made, then all the calls he made, and then all the times it went to voicemail.
you remember every conversation youโve had with your boyfriend. the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. itโs hard to quantify into numbers since youโd been together for the last five years.
but thereโs a few of them that are prominent, that are burned into your mind, engraved onto your brain. the sound of his laugh, for one, thatโs always been precious to you, if only for the fact that he doesnโt laugh often.
sae always said you were the only one who could get that out of him, and youโve kept it close to your heart since.
to the world, he may have seemed rude and off-putting at times, and despite the countless false reports of sae being an asshole to all his girlfriends in private (because the media can never decide who heโs actually with), heโs always been the same itoshi sae to youโthe kind of guy who only ever bothers what you think about him because the other people not involved in your relationship donโt matter.
you remember everything heโs ever done for you.
โyou know that one day youโll be mrs. itoshi, right?โ
yeah, you definitely remember.
MARCH 2020; [ saeโs fifth day in spain ]
โyou miss me, itoshi sae?โ
you can feel him rolling his eyes from the other end. โi should just hang up right now.โ
โyou could, but then youโd miss me even more.โ
sae suppresses a grin, even if thereโs no one around to see it. youโre right, but he doesnโt say anything.
it was rare for sae to call you at all. but then again, it is the first time you two had been apart since you got together. maybe it isnโt so weird after all.
โhowโd practice go today?โ
โitโs fine, nothing i couldnโt handle.โ of course heโs fine, heโs the youngest on the team and yet it was as though heโd played the longest.
โof course it was fine, mr genius,โ you tease, and he smiles because he knows youโre smiling too.
you canโt really remember how the rest of the conversation went. but you only remember this moment because it was the first time you realised that amidst all the times youโd pester him to go on a date with you, amidst all the times you asked him for a kiss, sae could miss you too.
SEPTEMBER 2020; [ sae comes back to japan soon ]
โhey so i was thinking, iโll meet you at the airport?โ
sae hums, โwanna see me that bad, huh?โ
โshut up,โ you snap at him, hating his quick tongue that so easily gets you flustered. โso i miss my handsome, successful boyfriend, big deal.โ
he missed you too.
โam i just arm candy for you, y/n?โ
โwhat? noโโ
โtoo late. iโm offended. bye.โ
then he actually hangs up on you.
it takes you half a second to pull up your message thread with him.
itoshi sae, you wanna die or something?
it takes him the same amount of time to respond to you.
y/n l/n, okay, then maybe iโd get some relief from you.
before you can even be actually offended, your phone vibrates again.
miss you too, stupid. see you tomorrow.
you canโt seem to rub the smile off your face.
FEBRUARY 2021; [ first valentinesโ apart ]
it takes him three rings to pick up.
โhappy valentinesโ, lover,โ you giggle over the phone.
itโs been a few months since your about-to-go-pro soccer player boyfriend had gone back to spain, doing pro soccer player things. you miss him, especially since itโs the first time you guys are spending the romantic occasion apart.
it sucks that you couldnโt even spend new years with him. itโs okay though, you managed to video call him while you spent time with his family.
โthink you got the wrong number.โ
โitoshiโโ
โopen the door, smarty pants.โ
โw-wait, what? did you send me something?โ
you hurry over to your front door, not knowing what to expect. but you definitely didnโt expect sae to be there, in the flesh, sighing when you finally open your door, a pretty bouquet of flowers in his hand.
โwhat are you doing here?โ youโre still shocked from his mere presence.
sae smirks, and you realise just how much you miss him. โthink i got the wrong apartment, i was supposed to deliver these to my other girlโโ
but you kiss him to shut him up. heโs full of nonsense, and so, so witty, and heโs here.
saeโs always claimed that it was not soccer stealing him from you, it was more the other way around. and he had been joking at the time he said that, but right now he thinks maybe thereโs some truth to it.
if thereโs anyone capable of having and getting him to willingly relinquish his attention from soccer, itโs you.
JUNE 2021; [ night of saeโs first PR event ]
โsomeone looks handsome,โ you comment as you watch your boyfriend getting ready over the phone.
he has an entire entourage of people over at his hotelโthey must be the makeup crew and stylists. his entire team is getting vip treatment for being champions of the league thanks to last weekโs game. now, even more brands are trying to sponsor them and you really shouldnโt be surprised over the amount of girls going crazy over your boyfriend.
โand someone should really sleep,โ sae pauses for a moment when the man beside him (presumably his stylist, because heโs double checking saeโs suit) asks a quick that your girlfriend?, to which sae says โyes.โ
the man winks at you through the video. โlucky girl,โ he comments, eyes back on the fabric heโs touching, โthe only time i caught him smiling was while he was texting ya.โ
you snicker through the phone as you watch saeโs face go beet red before frowning at you.
โhe did not.โ
his stylist is laughing at his reaction too. โtotally did. i thought he was possessed.โ
sae grabs the phone and relegates himself to the bathroom, glaring at you through the screen. heโs not mad at you, heโs just embarrassed and you know that. youโve known him long enough now to tell his cues.
โi hope you know i hate you.โ
heโs always all bark and no bite and youโre still laughing at him.
โaw, i hate you too, mr itoshi.โ
โstop with the smart mouth before i find another contender for a mrs itoshi.โ
you and sae had been staring at each other through the screen up until that point, when sae realised what he just said and has to look away.
โyouโฆ think i could be?โ
neither you nor sae have ever broached another about the future, and sae has always been generally avoidant about it, which is why it makes you even more surprised that heโs the one who slipped up about it.
after a moment of silence, he sighs, trying to suppress a smile. it tugs at the edges of his lips, not really there but you can feel it.
โyou know that one day youโll be mrs itoshi, right?โ
you donโt know that, he doesnโt know that, not until the day has come. but yeah, you really, really want to be.
OCTOBER 2022; [ saeโs birthday ]
โhappy birthday, mr. itoshi,โ you greet when he picks up the phone.
things had been rocky lately, admittedly. only because you and sae lived worlds apart.
sae is famous now, in both japan and europe, and itโs no surprise because heโs one of the best midfielders anyone has ever seen. his life is now full of the glitz and glam that youโre not even close to familiar with.
and you; youโre just a simple girl living in tokyo, with a normal life and normal friends and normal everything. except for the fact that sometimes people stalk you online because based on theories, youโre his girlfriend.
he was advised against confirming your identity with the press. for a myriad of reasons, apparently. and youโre fine with it, because yeah, youโre aware there are games to be played when you have his status. and it was fine with you, except for times when itโs not.
like how at his previous PR event he had to appear like he was dating some other celebrity. which was fine, but youโd be lying if you said it didnโt suck having to see your boyfriend appear intimate with someone else. even worse when you hear said someone else mention in multiple interviews that sheโs always had a huge crush on him.
โthanks, though it kinda sucks today.โ
but itโs fine; youโve been with him long enough to know that sae isnโt the type to hurt you like that. so even if itโs rocky, it doesnโt stop you from loving him.
โwhy? i thought the guys were bringing you out drinking tonight.โ
sae sighs. โthatโs exactly why.โ
you smile, thinking how sae is still the same sae youโve always known. โyouโve been playing with them for more than a year now, i think one night out wouldnโt kill you, babe.โ
โbut theyโre freaks.โ and sae says that because theyโre rowdy, noisy guys and he doesnโt even want to imagine them drunk.
โwe both know theyโre going to bother you to no end if you donโt go,โ you point out, and sae relents. โand if you need an escape when youโre too tired, you could just use my name.โ
you break into a grin because you know for a fact that sae uses you as an excuse to his publicist sometimes to not attend events.
โyeah, maybe iโll tell โem the missus is angry,โ he jokes, and you find yourself wishing you could hug him right now.
โhave fun tonight, okay?โ a little hesitance comes to you before you ultimately open your mouth, โi love you.โ
sae chuckles, and he canโt even describe the relief that comes to him each time he hears you say those words.
โi love you too.โ
DECEMBER 2022; [ the day you break ]
you donโt pick up his call.
when you saw the picture earlier, itโs like youโve gone numb. and now everyone in the world will see the picture too. but you donโt really care. the images the paparazzi capture will die down after a while. the rumours will take longer.
right now youโre not even sure if your relationship is dead.
but you love him. you still do. and heโs still calling for what seems like the ninetieth time tonight.
this time you pick up.
โwhat?โ
sae flinches on the other line because heโs not used to this coldness. โcan i at least explain?โ
you sniffle, gritting your teeth to stop your crying. โsure, why donโt you explain why i had to find out from the fucking news that you kissed someone else on your birthday?โ
itโs that girl. the same celebrity youโve seen ogling him and gushing over him and the one who has PR relations with him.
โi promise, she means nothing,โ and you can hear the panic in saeโs voice. he sounds apologetic and manic and scared. โlook, i-i was drunk, and she kissed me, and i pushed her off right afterโโ
โthen why didnโt you tell me?โ you yell back. because youโre sure thatโs what happened. you believe him. but it wasnโt the fact that some other girl was so desperate for him that sheโd do that, it was the fact that sae kept it from you.
sae canโt answer. he knows it, but heโs struggling to find the words. โi-i didnโt want you to misunderstand,โ is all he can manage.
you pause for a while because youโre crying again, and sae can sense it even if youโre silent. he loves you and heโs killing himself for his stupid decisions.
โsae,โ you call him, softly. โis that how much you know me?โ because after all this time, youโd think heโd know better. you trusted him. a hundred percent. now? youโre not sure.
โplease, y/n, iโm sorry, please just- forgive me?โ and saeโs not sure how to do this. saeโs never had anyone he cared about this much other than you. youโre the only one and you forever will be. and heโs stupid and clueless outside of soccer but heโs always had you to hold his hand through this, yet now you feel further away from him than ever.
youโre quiet and heโs not sure what to expect. youโre just sniffling on the other side, not saying anything, and for the first time in his life, sae is afraid.
โbabe, iโโ
โdonโt say it, sae,โ you sigh, because you donโt want to think that heโs saying it just to appease you.
sae obeys, because heโs scared that just a little nudge would push you right off the edge. โiโm gonna fix this, okay? iโll tell everyone thatโโ
โitโs fine,โ you interject, your mind in shambles. youโre tired, and you really donโt know what to do about this when itโs so fresh in your heart. โi need to think things through anyway.โ
โno- y/n, please, iโโ
and for the first time ever, youโre the one who hangs up abruptly. then you turn off your phone because you know saeโs not going to stop but you really just donโt want to to feel bad about not picking up.
you still love him, but youโre just heartbroken right now.
sae stares at his phone after you hang up. he can hear his heart beating out of his chest and his breathing gets shallow. he tries to call you again but itโs not even ringing.
thereโs only one thing he knows: he fucked up.
a stupid, stupid mistake which was grave enough to make you doubt everything and youโre right. this was on him for not opening his stupid mouth and just trusting that youโd understand.
for the first time ever, he heard what you sounded like when youโre hurt and he canโt forgive himself. not if he doesnโt do anything about it.
he gives up on trying to call you and pulls up his clubโs coachโs contact instead. โsub someone else in for me tomorrow, i wonโt be there.โ
โwhat? what are you talking about? we canโt play without our star midfielder! itโs a big match against our home rivalsโโ
but everything heโs lecturing sae about falls on deaf ears because saeโs already packing his duffel bag and searching for his passport. he doesnโt even bother acknowledging anything before he hangs up, dialing his assistantโs number instead.
โi need to fly back to tokyo. immediately.โ
his assistantโs distraught voice is apparent. โwha- um, you have a game tomorrowโโ
โi donโt care. i need to fly now. get me a flight or youโre fired.โ
โuh, but- um, the private jetโs not availableโโ
โthen get me tickets on a commercial flight. i donโt fucking care about what kind of plane it is.โ
yeah, because he only cares about fixing things with you. no one and nothing else, just you.
his assistant sighs because he knows heโs going to get in trouble for aiding sae. โfine, iโll send you the details soon.โ
JANUARY 2023; [ the present ]
it goes straight to voicemail. you still talk.
โyou know, i hate you so much for not having a voicemail recording.โ
you pause, the tears streaming down your face. youโre staring at your phone, at his instagram, at his last post. something he posted before his flight.
a picture of the both of you in private, in your room. heโs sitting behind you on the bed, his arms around your neck as he kisses your head and you take the picture.
itโs funny because he was forbidden from sharing any sort of those pictures yet he still did it anyway. you stare at the caption.
i love only you
โitoshi sae, how am i going to hear your voice now, huh?โ
youโre already full-on crying now, as you have been for the last month.
โitoshi sae! talk to me, answer me!โ youโre screaming but no one will ever hear you.
how can sae hear you? youโre unreasonable for expecting that.
โtell me how to reach you,โ you wail into the receiver.
youโre painfully aware of what youโre getting now.
โi love you, mr. itoshi.โ
thereโs no one on the other line whoโll chuckle now. you canโt hear the same fondness in his voice when he says he loves you too. you canโt ever hear him joking with you again.
no more sighs, no more video calls, no more love. no more you know one day youโll be mrs. itoshi, right?
you hang up and look at the note in your hand; something saeโs assistant passed to you on the day of his funeral.
a few weeks ago, sae asked me to get this for him. i know he wanted you to have this. before he left for tokyo, he told me to get this done for you at all costs. it was only ready a day after he left. i thought you might still like to have this. iโm sorry you have to go through this.
the gold velvet box sits heavy in your hand. itโs all of saeโs commitment to you, feelings for youโitโs all of his resolution in one tiny package and itโs heavy.
you open it, same as the countless times before.
itโs still beautiful. itโs shiny and four carats and princess cut because you were always his princess. inside the band, he has mrs itoshi engraved.
you know one day youโll be mrs. itoshi, right?
you bring up his messages and play the last audio he sent to you.
โlook, i know i fucked up and it was stupid of me to keep it from you. iโm sorry, okay? and i know you donโt want to speak to me right now but i canโt just sit around and do nothing. i love you, so iโm coming back home, and weโll talk, and thenโฆ i promise you, nothing like this will happen again.โ
you remember your last words to him and canโt help but to hate yourself. you shouldโve told him one last time before you lost your chance.
if youโd just stayed on the line, he wouldnโt have come back. if he didnโt come back, he wouldnโt have gotten into that cab. if he didnโt get into that cab, he wouldnโt have been in that fatal accident in shibuya.
staring at the ring, calling his number, getting no response, visiting his plot and running into rin. and repeat. thatโs all life is now.
sometimes you wear the ring to pretend heโs still here. to pretend heโs already proposed and youโre waiting for him to come back from spain.
youโre probably at voicemail #314 now.
mrs itoshi stares at you until youโre crying all over again.
youโll never hear his voice again. never hear his laugh. never get to hug him, or pick fights with him. youโll never get to feel his broad shoulders or his strong arms around your body. you wonโt get to go home ever again.
With 23.5 finally coming out, the people are rejoicing at finally getting a high profile gl from GMMTV. But there have already been several gls airing this year, including my fav TsukuTabe, that have been flying under the radar with fandom, and in general there are more gls already out there than folks seem to think. I just know you have a list of all the gls we should be watching, please share with the class!
Thank you for the ask! How did you know I had a draft of GL recs to make at some point? [Trick question, I mentioned it to you.]
It may seem like I'm out here hating on GL because i've made a couple of negative reviews of recently airing series recently (Love Senior and Chaser Game W in case you're curious) but I actually have lots of GL that I love and that I wish were better known! Thanks for sending this ask so I am inspired to actually finish it! I've limited myself to series so that I could keep the list and this post to a reasonable length. Where possible I've listed where you can find each of these and included a link. And I've included an 'elevator pitch' summary but I am NOT in marketing for a reason, so please don't roast me too hard for my terrible comparisons. Alright, enough waffling!
Twig's GL Rec List
She Loves to Cook and She Loves to Eat S1 & 2 (Japan, 2022 & 2024, both seasons fansubbed by @furritsubs; if you need help accessing this show feel free to DM me!)
Elevator pitch: Our Dining Table with lesbians and an even slower burn. Watch for beautiful food, acespec rep, mental health and therapy rep
What might turn some off: Extremely low heat, and quite slow-moving; warning for a disordered eating and family trauma plot (v gently handled)
Let's start with the one you've already mentioned. This is a heartwarming slice-of-life slow burn in which an autismspec-coded woman who likes to eat is invited by her neighbour, a femme acespec woman who loves to cook, to come and eat her food. It starts from a very practical place (when you love making food you need someone to help eat it), but their relationship grows as they spend more time together. The story follows them as they both move towards self-actualization in several ways: as a lesbian, as asexual, at work, with their families, with their friends, with each other. This show is so careful to say the important words aloud. And there is so much delicious cooking! Each episode highlights a particular recipe, and the food porn is real. Do not watch while hungry, but definitely watch. The found famiy vibes in this one one are also immaculate.
She Makes My Heart Flutter (Korea, 2022, YouTube)
Elevator pitch: Younger lesbian friend group tries to help out (slightly) older lesbian bar owner with mixed success. I can't think of a good BL equivalent, The Moment Since feels the closest with its similar bartender/patron romance
What might turn some off: Comedic tone; short runtime; struggles with being closeted
This is a gem of a miniseries about a bar owner and an interior designer who smoulder at one another while an intrepid group of younger bar regulars (including the bar owner's neice) meddle. This series is really cute, solid, and full of sapphics! Once again found family vibes are immaculate (you may sense a theme in my faves). Run don't walk.
Fragrance of the First Flower (Taiwan, 2021, GagaOOLala)
Elevator pitch: Right-person-wrong-time/second chance romance; tonally is a little like We Best Love 2: Fighting Mr. 2nd but with an ambiguous ending.
What might turn you off: Medium heat, second chance romance means they break up once, internalized homophobia, adultery/cheating, at one point there's a creepy dude, child with autism (depicted well), ambiguous ending
At its core this is a story of a woman who can't stop getting in the way of her own happiness. This series is a little more sad than the rest of this rec list but I couldn't not include it because this relationship is so poignant. Plus there's a s2 that supposedly is to come out in 2024 so maybe we'll get our happy ending after all?
Love Greater Than or Equal to 70 Degrees C (Korea, 2019, YouTube)
Elevator pitch: Ingredients but with lesbians staring at one another over beautiful tea pairings! What more could you ask for?
What might turn you off: Low heat; short runtime; ambiguous ending; like Ingredients this is essentially a long ad for the cafรฉ it's filmed at.
This is a Korean miniseries about passionate tea sommeliers making really fancy tea while staring at one another a LOT. Perfect sapphic representation, 10/10 no notes. This one packs a lot of the drama tropes into its short runtime, so even though it's short it's full of butterfly-inspiring moments.
Sleep With Me (Philippines, 2022, GagaOOLala/iWantTFC/Netflix w/VPN set to Philippines)
Elevator pitch: The Truth About Cats and Dogs but the self esteem issues are handled without catfishing. BL equivalent: Hmmm. Closest I can think of is Gaya Sa Pelikula.
What might turn you off: There's some ableism (treated as such) in this show; Open ending.
Stellar GL between a late night radio DJ and an insomniac who listens to her show. One of the main couple is a wheelchair user and the show tackles ablelism and navigating disability in relationship as well as feelings of inadequacy in a relationship and how that manifests as interpersonal conflict.
Our Relationship Ended Before it Began (Korea, 2022, YouTube)
Elevator Pitch: Along the lines of I Cannot Reach You; the show gives both perspectives and they are held back by queer angst.
What might turn you off: No kiss (but they make it very clear both want to kiss), internalized homophobia
Really sweet miniseries about having a crush and being afraid of being hurt so you don't actually make a move. I really like the way the girl who has not dated a girl before defaults to gender roles and it throws the more experienced lesbian lol I also really like the way this show makes clear that both of them are waiting for a kiss, and that if you get in your head about things, it can get in the way of your own happiness!
Pearl Next Door (Philippines, 2020, Youtube)
Elevator Pitch: Gameboys but with lesbian vloggers.
What might turn you off: Love triangle, lots of teasing but low heat in the end, a lot of (good) conversations about mental health issues, ambiguous ending
This is the GL spinoff to Gameboys, starring Pearl from Gameboys. Pearl ends up being fought over by the two gorgeous women in the gif, an old love and a new. I love the queer friendships in this story as much as the relationships. I will say it's an open ending (that felt a bit like the showrunners didn't want to decide between ships) and definitely the love triangle features prominently but even in the face of these aspects that would normally turn me off a series I had a good time. The characters and interpersonal conflicts feel very real, and are allowed to be complex even when the show tone is comedic.
Dear Uranus (Taiwan, 2021, YouTube)
Elevator Pitch: Schoolgirl ensemble GL; a little like My School President but without the singing.
What might turn you off: Short runtime; ambiguous ending; a little bit of bullying; very standard romance trope execution
The first Taiwanese GL miniseries, this series was produced by a Taiwanese lesbian couple (Rabbit & Wolf)! Lots of excellent drama tropes, and incredibly gorgeous women (I think the entire watching audience fell in love with Erol.
Lily Fever (Korea, 2015, YouTube)
Elevator pitch: Complete crack; YYY but with more kissing and frankly an even less coherent story.
What might turn you off: The lack of coherent plot; less a romance and more a very thirsty lesbian kissing everyone she can
This miniseries is utter chaos. Nothing really makes sense, it's all just random excuses to cause very suggestive moments (and kissing) to happen. I love so much how this series depicts women being so absolutely thirsty for one another (and yes that date isn't a typo, this series is ~9 years old). Not an "happy ever after" ending but it really isn't that kind of story.
Chasing Sunsets (Philippines, 2020, YouTube)
Elevator pitch: Ocean Likes Me with lesbians. Resort romance with a mental health twist.
What might turn you off: Some of the mental health stuff gets intense, this was filmed in 2020 so the pandemic features heavily; hopeful but slightly ambiguous ending.
A complex story from the Philippines covering mental health and finding yourself. A woman shows up to a resort and befriends one of the women running the resort. They get closer as they spend time together, and the resort owner realizes something is off. There's also a BL side couple in this series.
Show Me Love (Thai, 2023, YouTube)
Elevator pitch: A little like My Day the series with lesbians, in that they work together and fall in love and it's full of tropes
What might turn you off: The advertising for the Miss Grand competition, there is some bullying and cheating (though way less than I was expecting tbh), not a lot actually happens, the editing gets a bit wonky at the end
This is essentially a massive ad for the Miss Grand Thailand competition; this GL was produced by the same company that produces that competition, and the stars are mostly Miss Grand competitors. The main pairing were shipped in the actual competition, and the company decided to make a GL about them. It's very slow paced and low-stakes, and there are better kisses than I expected considering everything I just said about where this show came from. There are a lot of cute moments!
Girlfriend Project (Korea, 2022, YouTube)
Elevator Pitch: Love Class with lesbians
What might turn you off: One of the leads is kind of mean in that pgitail-pulling way? It ends abruptly (but happily)
This is a short miniseries about two girls paired in a class that are assigned to "date". The chemistry is chemistrying. And there is a kiss (a good kiss, and a tiptoes kiss at that!). This show also has one of my favourite tropes, in which someone who seems like a pushover stands up for themselves and their partner finds it very attractive. For the record, in this show they are watching another GL by the same company, Love Tech.
Lulu (Philippines, 2022, Vivamax/grey)
Elevator Pitch: Present Perfect with lesbians (but with a better ending).
What might turn you off: Depictions of panic attacks, brief depiction of drowning, pandemic lockdowns, illness, exes, waffling, happy but open ending (which I actually liked for this story)
Two women trying to move on from the garbage in their lives meet at the beach of a B&B (where one saves the other from drowning) and become one another's company during their escape and then something more. They both have baggage that seems determined to keep them apart even as they continue to be drawn together. In the end, they decide to stick it out and see where they end up, with no guarantee of happily ever after, which I found very sweet. Requires either a VivaMax account or searching the grey for it, but it's worth the effort (check MyDramaList comments for suggestions on where to find it). Plus one of the leads has a cactus as a pet.
Welcome to the Lesbian Bar (Korea, 2023, YouTube)
Elevator Pitch: A little like Fudanshi Bartender but without the fudanshi bartender and all of the bar patrons are lesbians lol
What might turn you off: Short, can get a little bit preachy, abrupt ending
Cute short series with different very stories every episode as different patrons visit the bar. The stories range from women who have been together for awhile, to people meeting from an online app for the first time, to someone visiting a lesbian bar for the first time; and yet the story all weaves together in a way that's satisfying though ends abruptly. Includes some solid marriage equality propaganda.
GAP the Series (Thai, 2022, YouTube)
Elevator Pitch: Kind of the vibes of Together with Me but lesbians and in an office instead of school. Angry boss falls for charming new intern and
What might turn you off: This one is the highest heat of all these recs; homophobia especially amongst family, brief depictions of death by car, brief mentions of suicide, cheating, bullying, abuse of power in the office.
A list would not be complete without this one! Honestly the plot is a bit wobbly but the show is a lot of fun. The girls are very cute, the feelings and tension builds really well between them, the friend group is excellent, and in the special we get a wedding.
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The rest of these have caveats of one kind or another, but i couldn't leave them off a rec list, so here are the side couples and censored stories that are still worth your time anyway (I might do a separate more detailed post for these, as well as for films, one day if there's interest):
Nevertheless (GL side; Korean, 2021, Netflix) Not sure it's worth watching a whole kdrama for side lesbians? Search soljiwan on youtube. They are great. Even the Netflix account stans them. I watched this (ngl, I watched the SolJiwan cut) as it aired and was constantly braced for it to let us down but it did not! A really good friends-to-lovers story.
Friend Zone 2: Dangerous Area (GL side; Thailand, 2019, YouTube): These sapphics are messy and I love them. Decent conversation about dating someone with mental health issues in this series, and they're one of the only couples in this ensemble to get a happy ending. If you're just watching the lesbian couple (which you can, their story is pretty self-contained) you don't need to have seen s1.
Six Survivors (GL side; Japan, 2022, Viki) This show is a horror comedy and it is SO MUCH FUN. Warning for zombies and blood, but way less than you might think. One of the eponymous 6 survivors is a lesbian who keeps trying to convert them to veganism lol. If you watched Chaser Game W you'll recognize one of the actresses in this, the lead actress is from Kamisama no Ekohiiki, and one of the guys is from the prequel series His as well as I Want to See Only You! And yes there is a kiss. Also a surprising number of Mallrats references. Not for people who can't handle gore or relationships being complicated/not a "true love" story/ambiguous ending.
Kamisama no Ekohiiki (complicated question of is it GL in parts, Japan, 2021, furritsubs once again coming through to save the day) This one is a bit complex because there's bodyswap, but the girl who falls for the bodyswapped boy-in-a-girl's-body is clear that she is only interested in the girl. One of the better bodyswap stories because the bodyswap is not a secret for very long, so instead there's a lot of introspection about what gender means and who/what they are attracted to. Feels wrong to call this GL, necessarily, but it's very queer.
Couple of Mirrors (Censored GL, China, 2021, Viki) Story of a rich girl and her assassin girlfriend. This production did an amazing job getting away with what they could, just don't watch the last five minutes and we've got essentially a happy lesbian family.
Legend of Yunze (Censored GL, China, 2021, @douqi7s) Very cute very low budget xianxia miniseries with two seasons and a special. The special is set in modern times in a future lifetime so if you want a cute censored-but-clearly-a-soulmate-love-story this is the one for you. Don't be thrown off by the weird cuts/abrupt episode endings, that's in line with cdramas in general.
Led Astray by Love (Censored GL, China, 2021, @douqi7s) A very fun and adorable isekai story in which a modern day girl is transported to a wuxia novel setting and has to figure out how to get home, and gets romanced by the princess along the way.
And a few additional links for people who even more content:
My Indian sapphic webseries rec list
My suggestions for content with toms (Thai category that's similar to but not exactly the same as butch lesbians) in response to this post.
This really good GL MyDramaList list (not made by me!) lists what seems to be everything I've mentioned and about 200 more. Even I haven't seen a few of these!
My YouTube playlist of sapphic content: This includes anything I stumble across or find in my searches, a lot of music videos and random shorts as well as some microseries and miniseries that I don't consider GL but are WLW/sapphic in addition to true "GL" content. For serialized content, I add just the first ep. A complete mess, but you can trawl through to find stuff to watch, like Hetero!
SOONOTSUE: The same producers of She Makes My Heart Flutter have other short series on their channel worth checking out; if you liked that one, try Out of Breath!
Shakeshoulder: Thai YouTube producers of very pulpy (read: low budget and dramatic plots) shorts
FuFuKnows: This YouTube channel is owned by a gay Taiwanese couple that produces shorts every week, including some with GL mains and sides. These are very low budget but cover a whole swath of queer themes.
@douqi7s is a godsend providing subtitles for all kinds of content, including sapphic shorts and more series than I've listed here. Check their tumblr for links to all of their content; A Practical Guide to Being a Superstar's Assistant has one of the best setups to giving us great moments in the guise of something else so that they get past censorship I've ever seen; I also recommend The Vampires if you're into genre fiction, as well as Legend of Yunqian if you enjoyed the xianxia parts of Legend of Yunze. @wlwcatalogue did an excellent summary of many of the non-wuxia options here.
Quick pitch for the streaming platform GagaOOLala; it's affordable, has a ton of content, including a whack of GLs (originals, license series, and a ton of shorts), and is run by queer people out of Taiwan who care about good quality queer content being made and having an audience, and using the soft power from those successful series to support social change. And if you can't afford a subscription it's worth checking out what they have for free, they open up temporary free access to some things for various events throughout the year.
In searching for gifs for this post I found fellow tumblr user @drowningparty 's WLW compendium list; they've listed more series and films so check it out if you still need more content!
*wipes sweat off brow* that should be enough to be getting on with, but it's really just the tip of the iceberg! If there's something specific you want to see with sapphics let me know and I can tell you if I know it exists. Anyway, I hope this gives you and everyone else a taste of what all is out there! I of course always want more, I am serious about being a sapphic dragon hoarding every crumb i can get my lizardy hands on, but I do think what we have should also be appreciated more. If I missed one of your faves, please tell me!
synopsis: missing the last train out of new shanghai was not on the to-do list. however, your project partner liu yangyang promises fun, dazzling lights, and the warmth of a human connection for this festive weekend. perhaps even in the era of diamond and steel, the human touch means something after all.
genre: oriental cyberpunk, f2l, fluff
warning(s): swearing & several innuendos. also out-of-date jokes sorry guys i wrote this in 2021
words: 11.9k
a/n: this is just a rework of an old fic i posted here with another character! if you find any inconsistencies, it's probably because of that LOL also this is not a wincore revival but i did miss everyone on here !!
i. city plaza
Some idiot, somewhere along in history, decided to renovate a city into something so dazzling that the population shoots up to a hundred and fifty percent of what was before, and the rest of the damage comes along with the people. Promises are made and broken to build this city of extravagance. You have the belief that the more people there are in one place, the more difficult it gets to live there. This dazzling hellscape means colliding into too many people on the streets, too many bright lights outside your dorm room when youโre trying to sleep and the god awful sound of deafening firecrackers at every new year celebration.
Another idiot somehow roped you into his โmidnight adventure: traditional versionโ once he heard you missed the last train ticket out of the city. Liu Yangyang has a terrible way with wordsโbut he has a way.
You were, by some unfortunate gamble of the gods, partners for a project that accounted for sixty percent of the grade. While that affair is over, you still haven't rid yourself of the predicament that is Yangyang. Gorgeous, yes, but too overwhelming. You smack your head against the car window only for him to jump in his seat beside you, hand gently driving over your forehead to check for damage. The neon city lays around you, and festive light projections float across the sky in intricate shapes of the ox and written messages. This is going nowhere. You came to this city sacrificing everything and yet suddenly, everythingโs hanging on a string again.
The city lights of New Shanghai are cruel. Everything in this place is cruel.
Which is exactly why youโre in Yangyangโs car, parked by the middle level city plaza on New Yearโs Eve. It is, in fact, illegal to hover by the city plaza on New Yearโs Eve but Yangyang seems to either not care or simply doesnโt know. You forget the law doesnโt exist for rich kids. Out of all man-made wonders, rules are the most interesting.ย
โShall we go?โ he asks, voice bubbly as ever. Every morning, he chirps like the alarm birds outside your window. Yes, it has made you want to sleep forever at times.
โItโs just one night. And Iโll be with you, so you donโt have to be afraid.โ
โIโm not afraid,โ you snap.ย
โNot afraid of the dark either?โ
You pull your jacket closer to you. Here, the cold streets of the techno-jungle make you shiver more often than not. If you dare go out without friends, a city so grand will inevitably drain the life out of you. Your body alone cannot withstand the dazzle. Andโyou canโt be afraid of the dark after youโve complained about the lights.
You look at Yangyang and back to the cityscape outsideโlarge conglomerative blocks of buildings, some hosting advertisements with the faces of inhumanly beautiful models and some with the โHappy New Year!โ text animation floating about in increasingly complex patterns. You see the revolving top of one of the grandest skyscrapers, a Dior hotel, not the tallest but certainly the most pleasing to look at. It gleams from red to orange like the pulsating heart of a giant metropolitan beast. There are more funky buildings to look at, some not even the shape of austere corporate skyscrapers.
โDo you wanna go there?โ Yangyang asks all of a sudden. โI heard the lounge is closed off from eleven. I can call some friends and we can book a room thoughโโ
โNo. No way. Iโm not going to spend new yearโs eve in a Dior suite.โ
He grins. โThank god. Itโs so boring there. Only models and businessmen and whatever freak shit they do.โ
You sigh. Liu Yangyang is a whole story in itself. Heโs rich and popularโa dream of manyโbut so few are as welcoming as he is. When youโre in that position, youโre bound to have a little metal seep into your heart. Some hidden part of you, however, tells you to loosen up when youโre with him; just let it go and have a good time. Thereโs no reason why you shouldn't. The economy is on a steep incline, the people are happy and no other city compares to this place. You could learn a thing or two from Yangyang.
He looks at you questioningly, eyes waiting and the curve of his lips still. You notice his platinum blond hair is more styled than usual, you can almost smell the gel on it, and for a moment, you wish you looked as good as he does. A dark leather jacket accentuates his shoulders, the plain T-shirt underneath not of the flashy type. He looks like heโs ready for club-hopping and you, anything but. If you knew earlier that youโd be by the Strip around midnight on New Yearโs, you'd have dressed better.ย
โIf you stay any longer in my car, people are going to assume weโreโฆyโknow,โ he states, quirking his eyebrow. โIโm pretty sure itโs illegal, though. Like, who thought fuโโ
You were wrong. There is absolutely nothing to learn from Liu Yangyang.ย
โI would get out of this car immediately and fall to my death before I let that happen,โ you retort, crossing your arms.
โNo, hey. What an inauspicious sentence. Besides, and Iโm not bragging but you should know Iโm really good at using my assetsโโ
โDonโt say a word.โ
The heat of embarrassment flows into your cheeks at his implication. You look out the window, weighing out the pros and cons. The scenery is so bright that sometimes it hurts to look outside. Itโs not midnight yet but the main streets are already getting crowded for the processions; the sound of laughter and conversation ring in the air. It makes you somewhat sad to not be home for this. But as they say, living in a big city can only be done if you sell your soul to it.
Youโre directly above the level one city plaza, the people below looking unsettling in the way theyโre so small and far awayโthey donโt even seem human at this distance. You wonder if you look like that to the people above this, to the level three elites who sit on top of the whole city..
You look back to your companion, whoโs transfixed on the bakery across the roadโeither that, or just really, really zoned out. Knowing Yangyang, it could be either. When you tilt your head, waiting, you find that he has pretty featuresโa shaped nose and round, curious eyes, all in perfect alignment with plump, pink lips. His metallic ring earrings shine when the light hits them right. No wonder you get girls asking how close the two of you are often. Even in a world pushing manufactured love, boys like him make others daydream. You wonder why youโre the one he loves to drag in with him.
Yangyang flinches when he finds you staring at him. You clear your throat, looking away and hoping you can sweep this under the rug.
โAre you- are you by any chance mad at me?โ he asks, a nervous smile awkwardly tugging at his lips.
โI- what? No. Iโm not mad at you.โ
โYou look like my mother when I donโt clean my room. Or Ten's cats when I try to kiss them.โ
A tiny laugh escapes you before you get back your poised demeanor. โIโm- Iโm not mad at you.โ
He smiles at you wordlessly and you feel a little conscious. You glance outside when the plaza music starts to get loud and look back at him, debating whether you should just give in.
โSoโฆ youโll let me brighten your life now?โ he asks in his regular baritone, grinning wider. โThe semesterโs over and itโs festival time! I bring good luck, I promise.โ
Liu Yangyang is not a happy serendipity. He simply cannot be. However, he does make you laugh more often than youโd admit.
โWhatever. Go ahead. I just donโt want to be hungover on a Friday.โ
โYou donโt- you donโt have to drink to have a good time.โ He laughs. โI would know. Iโm sort of a lightweight. I donโt know why I told you that. Iโm supposed to be cool.โ
You giggle, taking a moment to think.
โFine then. Show me your magical access key to our beloved Mobius Strip, the mightiest, grandest structure in all of New Shanghai.โ
โWell, if you put it that wayโฆ I am pretty cool, huh?โ
His smile is too harmless for you to roll your eyes. Heโs too gentle, you realize all of sudden, to be as awful as all the uni frat boys youโve had the misfortune of talking to. You watch him as he drives; his arm moves with ease and he tries to make conversation but you can only hum and respond in singular words. The closer you are to the Strip the more nervous you get. Itโs like visiting all those dark places that your mother explicitly warned you not to visit as a teenagerโbut youโre an adult now. No one owns you. No one should be able to own you. The determination builds up slowly over neon lights and hazy street shops.
Nights here are the fun part. Everyone says that. Other than the fact that you can barely make out the colour of the sky under the vivid city lights, thereโs something very enticing about the streets, the upper streets that wind around the city.
Yangyang drives the car to a level three street, the behemoth structure of the Strip now so close that all you can see beyond your window are its placid, white walls stretching out to infinity. You can see little gardens and shops, peeking out from between each strip and one of the shopkeepers wave at you the moment you pass. Yangyang says something along the lines of โthanks for the free noodlesโ to the woman, before gliding higher.ย
โGrandma makes the best glass noodles here,โ he says, excitedly. โIโll take you sometime. If you like.โ
You hum, noting the joy he expresses at the idea of something so simple.ย
Level three streets are already thousand and a half feet above the ground. You try not to look down; heights arenโt something youโre very fond of even if you love the sky. You note construction work for street levels four and five, shivering at the idea. The winds of change are fucking cold.
Yangyang swerves the car off-road at one point and you clutch his arm by reflex.
โWhat the fuck? Donโt do that without warning me,โ you say, breathing quicker. You do not do well with: sudden movement, jumpscares and boys with pretty smiles.
โSorry,โ he says, looking at you with concern. โI didnโt mean to scare you.โ
You let go of his arm, more embarrassed at yourself than mad at him. Driving the car closer to the Strip, he brakes carefully by the parking lot. The walls are covered in red wallpaper, a few lanterns attached to drones, floating along the path inside. It looks like a rooftop parking lot, though the mysterious dim lighting makes you walk closer to Yangyang.
โI heard this is gonna be a really cool eventโtheyโve got the latest AI tech hosting and crap but let me tell you the best part.โ
He pauses for dramatic effect.ย
โThe food!โ He says, spreading his arms and grinning. โThe food at private events is the best thing youโll ever taste.โ
You open your mouth but close it again in part horror, part confusion. โYouโreโฆ taking me to a private event?โ
โAh, donโt look like that. Itโs really fun, promise.โ
โIโm not even dressed for it,โ you blurt, embarrassed.
Yangyang shakes his head. โDonโt worry about that. Itโs for rich kids, you know? If Iโm being honest, none of them know how to dress.โ
His confident statement gets a giggle out of you and you relax a little. You walk with him, further into the square platform and away from the cars. The sky disappears behind the dark roof and for a moment, you feel like youโve entered a different dimension. Itโs like the architecture models that your professors had on display for the Shanghai History class in your freshman year. Old stuff, that is. Before this place even had the first skyscraper.
You turn to your side and narrow your eyes at Yangyang, suddenly wondering how he finagled his way into bringing you here. Your iron-clad will is not so much iron after all. Itโs not even steel, you think, once you catch yourself staring at Yangyang a bit too long.
You step forward to find the entrance to the club; itโs a little lonely to look at in the beginning. Then it clicks that itโs probably the back door. The red pillars encase a black door between them, the overhang of the gateway just a little above Yangyangโs head. You can see the hip-and-gable style roof of the larger building behind, looking like a skyscraper instead of the usual historical buildings youโve seen on the internet. In glowing red letters, it displays a blinking โClub 2โ near the top of the door.
The moment you step on the stairs, a bunch of advertisements pop up on the door, bright bubblegum colours hurting your eyes. Yangyang taps at the little x at the corner of the display till it disappears and finally the door is a regular door. The colour is jet black like any other screening platform.ย
โI thought the rich were exempted from ads,โ you say.
โTheyโreโฆ more likely to buy things though.โ
You make an โahโ sound in contemplation when a whirring makes you jump into him. A little spherical drone flies its way out of an opening in the wall and stops right in front of the two of you.ย
โSicheng-ge!โ Yangyang says, waving frantically at the camera.
The little drone circles around Yangyangโs head before stopping right in front of his face. It runs a scan before turning sharply and beeping at you.ย
โMy plus one!โ Yangyang declares, pulling you by the waist. โOr whatever itโs called.โ
Your ears feel warm but you donโt push him off. The camera focuses on your face, likely scanning to identify your age and occupation. When itโs done, a beep resounds and the door slides open to reveal a dimly lit pathway. The main entrance is much brighter, Yangyang promises, but for now itโs just the warm glow of the lanterns, Yangyangโs neon red striped jacket and the mechanical whirring of some sort of device in the darkness.
โWhatโs that sound?โ you whisper and Yangyang stops.ย
He pauses to think. โOh, theyโre Sicheng-geโs drones. Heโs got like a million of them. I'll introduce youโheโs hosting this club event, by the way.โ
He smiles at you reassuringly. If Yangyangโs not bothered by it, youโll follow his lead. Though, you do take more nimble steps and stay close to him like heโs your lighthouse. (In a way, he is, with all that neon shining on his jacket.)
Youโre surprised to find a garden, but then it gets stranger when you see brighter lanterns in the middle area. You see figures and before you can react, Yangyang takes your hand and into the central platform.
ii. orchid club square
Yangyang was right. None of them know how to dress.
The two of you stand in the middle of a crowd, who are in fact dressed either for: a) an impromptu pool party or b) a Sunday morning lecture. You blend in somewhat well given the variety though Yangyangโs painted looks have attracted the attention of quite a few giggling, murmuring onlookers.
You clench your jaw in mild annoyance.ย
โThis is a tour,โ Yangyang whispers to you. โI thoughtโฆ youโd like to know what everythingโs about.โ
You feel grateful to him for once. Having some sort of knowledge about what youโre getting into makes you feel better about any situation. A set of mechanical clicking fills the air.
A womanโno, an AI bot is the first to greet you. She has pale white metallic skin and her dark strands of hair are in a traditional updo. Her lips are imperial red, shaped in a way that makes her seem as though sheโs smiling but also not at the very same time. She holds an extravagant fan by her face at the perfect right angle, the patterns on it painted to imitate an ancient cherry blossom tree.ย
โGood evening, everyone,โ she says, her voice pitched up and enthusiastic. Itโs a little funny to imagine metal so lively.
You smell oranges and lavender as soon as she flicks her fan once and precise.ย
โWelcome to the New Shanghai nightlife!โ The bot continues jovially. โThe oldest surviving city on planet earth, the birthplace of the human race.โ
โYou are in virtual space,โ she informs. โIt might look like a courtyard stretching to infinity but it is only an illusion. However, the club is five hundred and sixty one metres wide and six hundred and twelve metres long. It is large enough to hold twenty-one blue whales in a line. That is, if they still existed of course.โ
She giggles algorithmically.
โWhere you stand right now,โ she says, turning her head in a swift mechanical motion to you and you flinch. โThis place is called the orchid club square. As you know, only VIP access lets you in.โ
You glance at Yangyang worriedly and he shrugs. Thereโs no way she could know, right? That was oddly specific. But then she moves her head left to right to address the whole crowd in perfect grace. When her movement starts to get a little too eerie to watch any longer, you fix your eyes on the garden instead. You have no way of telling part real flowers from virtual ones and even soโall of them are beautiful. Maybe reality doesnโt make things any prettier.
However, when you look at Yangyang, the thought gets tossed out. You shake your head, in an attempt to get rid of the image of his face. Itโs a little too late to be feeling this way. Either that, or the night is taking its toll on you already. The day was exhausting, considering it was the end of the semester.
The AI guideโs chatter fades into something quieter when you move the club square. Itโs a rather empty space, fitting for a rave or just housing large crowds. The decorations are for the new year celebrations, banners of the ox in auspicious colours and a few drones projecting the rest. Thereโs a garden of evermore orchids lining the area in a perfect square and itโs so precise that itโs pleasing to look at. Thereโs a door at one edge, similar to the one you encountered before entering the club square.
The music that wafts through the air is so gentle, you almost forget thereโs a celebration. The beat makes it livelier and even so, the rhythm of your heartbeat matches it in a soothing sort of way. Turning around, you spot the musical ensemble. Itโs another AI, peering over a guqin with trained habit.
She looks the same, except she wears an electronic mask over the lower half of her face. It displays a blue musical note made up of noticeable pixels. She has no fanโinstead, her fingers strum the guqin rhythmically, programmed with precision and grace. The sound is accompanied by the woodwind notes of a flute, though youโre not sure where that sound emanates from. Thereโs also a soft drumbeat which seems to come from the guqin bot herself.
You gasp when a few painted goldfish float through the air, almost real to look at if it werenโt for the glitch effect of holograms. One of them swims closer to you, opening and closing its mouth in rhythm and you giggle at its face.
Yangyang laughs, long finger pointing at the critter in amusement. โThatโs adorable.โ
He looks like a little kid and you giggle at his expression, with wide, delighted eyes and mouth open in focused mirth. He pokes at the goldfish and it makes a bubbling sound, gears shifting in ticking time before suddenly biting at his index finger. Yangyang lets out a low yelp, retracting his hand before clearing his throat in embarrassment.
โYouโre like a cartoon,โ you tell him, in between laughs. โNo way are you real.โ
He grins, in that same way he always looks at you and you look away, feeling hot in the face. Itโs too enamored a way to look at someone. But of course, that couldnโt be trueโheโs Liu Yangyang and youโre you. Parallel lines do not meet, even if theyโre headed in the same direction.
โI think youโre unreal,โ he mumbles.
iii. club 2
The doors open to a rather spacious arrangement, with several tables one one side and a sort of dance arena on the other where people are trying to out-dance each other. The intensity makes you move further away from it. It seems a little too festive and you can feel the energy slinking away from you. The music is more upbeat but you suppose the DJ tried to make it sound more eastern; the result is pleasing. He wears a smooth black helmet with a neon red beat visualizer on it, with written SFX appearing from time to time. Two pulsing golden horns glow at the sides of his head. You stare at it for longer than youโd like before composing yourself. Youโre very impressionable when it comes to parties.ย
There are two floors to the club, above the bottom floor itself. The other two floors mostly seem to consist of private booths, however, covered with gossamer silk that glow iridescent. A few floating lanterns sway by the upper floors. The ceiling is open to a midnight blue sky and the stars look much larger than youโve ever seen themโyou suspect itโs an AR mesh over the ceiling. A few light shows project little dancing dragons and coins over the sky and you find them too cute to not stare at.
โWow,โ Yangyang says, right after walking in. โWhy is Dejun on the table?โ
You look where his eyes are focused on, though itโs difficult through the crowd of people, and find Dejun and Kunhang in some sort of old anime transformation pose atop one of the tables. Itโs surprising that theyโre not the weirdest pair here.ย
โNow, bear with me, itโs going to be boring as hell till the countdown and the fireworks,โ he explains, waving his hands around. โBut itโs a good place to have fun and make friends. You know?โ
โFriends?โ you ask, a little nervous. Youโre not very proficient at making friends and it makes you anxious.
โYeah! Donโt worry. โ He makes a strange gesture, bordering between posing for a beer ad campaign and looking like a motivational speaker for the army, before furrowing his eyebrows. โYou just have to be confident! Iโm learning too!โ
He lets out a sweet laugh and it makes you laugh in turn, hand covering your mouth so you donโt embarrass yourself too much. You donโt believe the words much, but the glow over his cheeks makes you reconsider.
โYou look really nice when you laugh,โ he comments, a bright glint in his eyes.
โWhatever,โ you reply, punching his shoulder lightly.
Just then, you feel a gentle tap on your shoulder to find Lana from your ethical AI class, smiling at you warmly. She looks a little tired, of people more than the time. Like you, she is also a scholarship studentโand not a day has gone when she hasnโt soothed your anxiety about your classes. In stark contrast with Yangyang, you would trust her over him for most tasks. Even if you werenโt partners, youโre okay with the outcome. You glance at Yangyang.
โ(name)! Oh my god, I didnโt know you were coming here,โ she says. โDid Yangyang kidnap you?โย
โI mean, sort of.โ
โHey.โ Yangyang looks at you with betrayal.
โAnd how did you even manage to do that cool ass project with him as your partner?โ she continues, squinting at him.
โHonestly, I donโt know either. He can be surprisingly helpful though.โ
Yangyang looks from Lana to you in exasperation. โIโm literally right here,โ he grumbles.ย
Lana laughs at his expression, patting his shoulder sympathetically.ย
โI just canโt believe you let him kidnap you and not me,โ she says in mock indignance. โIโm a much better chauffeur, you know?โ
โDo you even have a driving license?โ Yangyang asks, laughing.
โI got mine before you, rat. Anyway, (name), Iโm playing the guzheng. Do you wanna come see?โ
โNo,โ Yangyang interrupts, suddenly grabbing your hand. โIโฆ I mean you guys can go, of course. It's just the countdownโs close, so we have to go to the viewpoint.โ
โThatโs exactly whereโah. I see.โ
"We'll join you another time, Lana," he says quietly, a cute grin on his face like a little boy would make to an older sister for more shares of chocolate.ย
"No, no. I actually remembered I left my friends in the corner. See you!"
She leaves her epiphany unsaid, offering you a smile and taking her leave abruptly.
โI thought you told me to socialize,โ you complain to Yangyang.ย
โYes, Iโm so proud of you for that.โ
โYangyang, I swear if you treat me like a kidโโ
โIโm not, Iโm not. Sorry,โ he says, scratching the back of his head. โI just need to borrow you for tonight. After all, I promised you, didnโt I?โ
You sigh. โFine then, whatโs this viewpoint youโre talking about?โ
โOh, weโll get there.โ
Someoneโs watching you. You turn around a full three-sixty but find only the same crowd of college-age kids. No one sticks out much, apart from Dejun, Kunhang and Ten, who are at this point performing some sort of strange ritual unbeknownst to any new year tradition, with a hell load of yelling.
โOh my god, youโre dancing too?โ Yangyang says, grinning ear to ear. โI didnโt know Iโd have that much of a positive influence. Wow.โ
โIโm- Iโm not- never mind.โ
Yangyang furrows his eyebrows. โWhat did I tell you? More confidence! Seeโโ
He takes your hands in his, pulling you further onto the dance floor. You feel a rising panic but swallow it. Thereโs a beat of silence in which the two of you look at each other. Yangyang proceeds to perform the stupidest sequence of movements you have ever seen, certainly too awkward for his body to accept as natural but it doesnโt seem like he cares. Heโs having fun.
You find yourself laughing. Taking timid steps, you try to loosen up although the inevitable embarrassment arrives in flushes of heat across your face. There are stars in Yangyangโs eyes when you join himโnot the artificial jewels in observatories but the real kind that you used to see in your hometown.
You take a wobbly step back. Itโs starting to get disorienting. If it were the real sky above you, you might even have felt better. Perhaps the purpose is to get dizzy.
โIโm a little thirsty,โ Yangyang says, motioning to the table with food and drinks at a corner. โIโll head over and be back.โ
Unsure what to do, you follow him like a lost lamb and though it would be embarrassing at any other time, any other place, now and here are not part of that.
The red and golden lights of the neon patterning the walls donโt seem as harsh anymore and you let your eyes rest on the boyish figure of Yangyang. You havenโt figured him out yet. Something tells you heโs more than a shallow image of the party-loving rich kids of Shanghai. In fact, in quiet, personal moments, he looks more out of place than you doโdespite all that bright neon. You open your mouth to ask something when youโre interrupted by a dizzy Yangyang spinning into you.ย
โSorry, (name),โ he says, rubbing the base of his palm against his forehead. โI genuinely thought I was going to win that game.โ
You shake your head, letting him get back to whatever spinning game they were at. He smells like wine and something tells you heโs poor at holding his liquor. The stakes must be high for that game, you figure, because you see Yangyang set aside his beloved shoe on the floor. To be the only scholarship student here suddenly feels scary and awkward.
Yangyang once again tugs at your arm, the touch reassuring as though he understands how you feel. But it isnโt true. Thereโs no way someone like him can understand someone like you.
โYangyang,โ you call. โDo you come here every year?โ
โNo, no. I do come for drinks though. Iโm only here right now because a friend is hosting this.โ
You shrug.
โAnd you,โ he adds and you feel a hot flush rise to your face. โNew years are the only time this place is PG-13.โ
โIโm not a child,โ you snap.
โMy mom says childish people say that.โ
โThen it's very rich coming from you, Liu Yangyang.โ
He laughs heartily, leaning away. A creeping thought grows in your head that you missed out on a lot. But then again, youโll always miss out on things if youโre not rich enough for them.
Yangyang flinches suddenly, almost knocking a plate off the table. He moves quickly, turning so that his side leans against the wall and the other arm cages you between him and the wall. His frame covers your view from whatever, or whoever arrived at the entrance that made him react so obnoxiously.
However, his lips hovering just a little over yours makes your breath hitch in your throat. This is the worst possible position you could've gotten into. The smell of mint interrupts your thoughts and you look at him with as annoyed an expression as you can muster over the heat of your face.
"Yangyang, what the fuck do you think you're doing?"
โI amโฆ admiring the wall. Ooh, itโs got velvet over it, did you notice?โ
ย โYouโre going to have your head in it too if you donโt tell me whatโs going on.โ
"Justโฆ sorry. Letโs stay like this for a few moments."
He flashes you an apologetic smile, his face close enough to make yours grow even hotter. A nervous chuckle erupts from his lips.ย
"Oh my god, get off. People are going to think weโre making out."
"We could do it for real."ย
"I'm going to scratch your eyes out."
"Sorry, sorry."
โWho are you even hiding from?โ
โIโm not hidingโฆ okay, forget that. Bodyguard-watcher-dude. Itโs kind of hard to explain.โ
โYou have a bodyguard?โ
โMore like a babysitter.โ
You try not to laugh, considering the proximity between your faces. โHow come you have a babysitter? Actually, wait, I think I know.โ
He huffs over your face and you restrain yourself from landing a swift uppercut to his jaw. Now you know the minty smell comes from mouth freshener.
โHeโs a prosecutor. Itโs weird that he stalks me in his free time. Even- even ifโฆ my parents are paying him.โ
You rest your head back against the wall, rolling your eyes. โReally? Thatโs your answer? God, your brain cells rotted somewhere along the way, didnโt they? Itโs all those parties.โ
โIโm starting to feel like my mom hired you too.โ
He looks back, and noting the absence of his so-called babysitter, he pulls back from you. You didnโt realize you were holding your breath and you let it out in a shallow effort.
โYour babysitterโs gone?โ
โNot a babysitโI regret saying that. Look, I really donโt think they appointed him because they think Iโm doing something illegal. I have never done anything illegal. Except that one street race but thatโs because Lucas told me it was perfectly legal.โ
โThe what?โ
โAnyway, the point is, letโs look forward to good fortune for this year, hm? Leave all the burdens to last year.โ
โFortune doesnโt favour fools.โ
โIโm not stupid,โ he complains, spreading his arms to express it further. โMostly.โ
ย You laugh, turning your attention toย the food table.
โOoh, pineapple tarts,โ he exclaims, hand reaching out to grab one when you smack it.
โYouโve had, like, fifteen already.โ
โMhm,โ he says, with a few more stuffed in his mouth.
Thereโs a pause.
โItโs me, isn't it?โ you ask quietly. โIโm not supposed to be here.โ
He gulps, lips parting and closing. โI brought you here. So you donโt worry about it.โ
Rich people suck. You believe that strongly. But sometimes, just sometimes, when you have everything you can ever want, you start to want the same for everyone around you. Some people are special. You find Yangyang genuinely fascinating for being someone who makes friends when heโs supposed to be making more connections. You find him fascinating.ย
It makes sense for someone like him to be the way he is.
iv. fireworks viewpoint
โThatโs the old Shanghai Tower,โ Yangyang points to a building in the distance. โIt used to be the tallest building once butโฆ well, it looks like the little guy now.โ
Lunar New Yearโs celebrations are a big, big deal in New Shanghai. It means a break from university, work and every other affair to have as many priorities sorted in anticipation of the new year. And the impact is evident from this height, when you can see the city in its golden glory. It looks warm out there for onceโalthough youโre not very sure if itโs because of the warmth that comes from right beside you. The little wooden boats float by on the river a little far off, various images blooming as holograms above them. You giggle at the large animated fishes swimming above the river with blank expressions and painted button eyes.ย
The golden clock shines bright in the sky, its holographic hands ticking down to midnight. It looks like something out of a fantasy movie, scattering golden pixels everywhere with each minute passing. The size of it alone reminds you of the scale of this city.
This is an empire. It's owned by the kings and queens who built it over the bones left from sacrifices. It's going to be owned by heirs and heiresses. You feel a looming sense of dread come over you. It's so beautiful and it can never belong to itself. It must always belong to someone. Itโs the terms and conditions of human creation.
"Hey." Yangyang taps you on the shoulder and you try not to flinch. "What are you thinking?"
You hum. "Stuff."
"This place is pretty cool, huh?"
That, you can agree with. "It is. It's so amazing that I can't believe I'm here sometimes."
Yangyang laughs slowly. "I hope more people can live here. Not in level one. You know. No one should live in desperation."
You hold back a scoff, though you end up frowning. What does a rich kid know of desperation? He might as well be prince, and princes do not know how to beg. It must be something of a saviour complex. You shrink away from him. The new year music is starting to ring a little too loud in your ears.
"That would be difficult," you mutter.
"Not if you lower the cost of living conditionsโah. Sorry." He pauses and you feel a flicker of surprise in you. โItโs not appropriate to discuss. Or so my parents tell meโฆโ
The expression comes from empathy. Youโre sure of it. Thereโs some sort of passion and not the kind of coloured fire that flames up in parties, but a different one. The kind that says, if you canโt bear the heat then you canโt learn how to forge. You scoff. Which prince has possibly known heat?
โI- I get angry too,โ you say quietly. โI think itโs something to be angry about.โ
He smiles at you, leaning against the balcony railing.ย
Youโre interrupted by a man in the attire of a waiter and it causes the two of you to jump away from each other. Itโs not like you were very close in the first place but the proximity of shared words can play tricks on people. The man offers the two of you a screen and Yangyangโs face lights up almost immediately.
โWe can order food with this,โ he says. โOr book a table. The top strips are all reserved for members of the club. Thatโs the big daddy restaurants.โ
โThatโsโฆ pretty cool,โ you say, leaning in to glance over the browsing menu. โBut donโt say that phrase to me again.โ
โI can. And I will.โ
โUgh. Move on.โ
โOkay, so we should drop by the convenience store for some ramen. I heard they taste better in the middle of the night,โ Yangyang suggests all of a sudden, leaning in further.
It gets difficult sometimes to not be bothered by him, especially when there is a lack of distance. You look at him, pause and then sigh. โSure. I guess. Are those free too?โ
He opens his mouth in sudden realization and grins sheepishly at you. You roll your eyes.
โDo you have money then?โ
โUh.โ
โHow do you not have money? Itโs the New Year!โ
โIโฆ uhโโ
โOkay, you donโt have to answer that. But Iโm not paying for you,โ you complain. โYou could always ask your parents for some money. Whatโs the point of being a party kid?โ
โParty kidsโโit makes you laugh in amusementโis the colloquial term given to the children of businesspeople who had a direct hand in the economic progress of New Shanghai. You would sell your kidneys to be one and it still wouldnโt be enough.
His smile wavers at your statement but he shakes his head. โIf I call my mom, sheโll start scolding me again about how my apartment room needs to be cleaner. Blah, blah, blah. You know.โ
โSheโs right- wait, you donโt clean your room?โ
โDonโt take her side, (name).โย
You bite down a smile and he offers you his biggest one.ย
โOh, that place looks new,โ Yangyang exclaims, a long index finger pointing to the preview of a sushi restaurant. You glare at him, his face nearer to yours than you would prefer but his eyes are fixed like a child ogling halloween candy.
โLetโs go,โ he urges, looking directly at you.ย
You furrow your eyebrows, shaking your head vehemently. โWe donโt have money. Or bit-credits.โ
He sighs, deflating as though you just snatched the candy right from his hands. โButโฆ I havenโt been there before.โ
โSo?โ You exhale, pinching the bridge of your nose. โYou donโt have to try every food place in the city.โ
โI need to eat,โ he says as though itโs a very reasonable response. โIโm still growing!โ
โNot mentally.โ
He drops his smile, looking at you blankly. โYou donโt have to get so smart with me, let me tell you.โ
You snicker at the โoffendedโ expression on his face.
In the next moment, your attention shifts to the sudden crowd of people rushing to the balcony. Yangyang pulls you closer to avoid getting pushed by them, and you look around confused. It all makes sense when they start chanting the numbers, counting down from ten. You can only stare in awe at the clock and the otherworldly glee in the rhythmic chants. Itโs like they donโt feel anything but joy at this moment. You let yourself smile.
The clock strikes twelve. The sound of the bell resounds throughout the city and the firecrackers burst into a thousand shades of red and gold across the sky. Thereโs moving images of animals, floating text and other animations which make the night sky seem like a screen. The sparks of the fireworks look like golden snow, or even happy little pixels.
You point your finger to the sky excitedly but when you turn, Yangyangโs eyes arenโt on the sky but on your hand outstretched towards it. He faces you, rather hesitantly as though caught red-handed.
โYouโre- youโreโฆ so pretty,โ he says, softly and shrugging as if answering a question.
You wish he wouldnโt look at you like that. Itโs the lonely speaking, right? The euphoria of human connection in this time and ageโit can make you believe anything. Thereโs a myriad of colours blooming in the sky behind you, a city dazzling with diamond and ruby lights, people with much more stories to tell than you do. This city, this city, this city. This city will break your heart.ย
โItโs kind of crappy,โ you mutter, to which Yangyang quirks an ear.
โWh-what is?โ
โThis city. Itโs got bright lights and fun and all those promises of success. But all I see are people desperately trying to survive. All I see are the same faces at the top andโIโm sorry. Iโm getting carried away.โ
โNo, no.โ He makes a vague gesture. โIโm listening.โ
โWeโre at their mercy,โ you whisper. โMy life is not my own. Thatโs crappy.โ
Yangyang hums in response. โYou're right. Whatโs the point of living a life thatโs not your own?โ
Looking at him again, you see the entire figure of his being against the fireworks and all the beautiful creations of the human race. His almost silver hair falls perfectly by his forehead, the contact lenses looking like glazed frost over his eyes. Just as vibrant and excessive as the city itself, Yangyang belongs here. This is his kingdom.ย
No, thatโs not quite right perhaps. Yangyang belongs anywhere because he brings warmth. You're suddenly grateful he's with you because no one you know would possibly go out of their way to make you feel comfortable like this. You know Yangyang loves people and crowds. No one would do that for you at the expense of their own enjoyment. You smile at the prospect of solving the blinding mystery that he is.
"Weโฆ should leave," Yangyang says, all of a sudden. He eyes a man at the corner of the balcony, dressed in a business suit and looking blank. He sticks out like a sore thumb. You're not sure why he's in that getup.
"Okay," you say, not sure why you're so agreeable tonight.
Maybe it's the night. Sometimes all you can do is drag your feet over the asphalt and hope it'll be sunnier tomorrow.
v. two-four-seven convenience store
College boys are the most god-awful creatures on earth.
โHey, do you always reach class on time?โ Yangyang asks, eyes curious. He keeps asking a question every five minutes or so, trying to keep up conversation. You've already told him he doesn't have to. However, it makes you strangely comfortable to hear the sound of his voice periodically. You won't tell him that.
You nod, returning your gaze to the window, though the advertisements block your view. You can always try skipping the ad every five goddamn seconds.ย
It's your first time riding the train that travels through the Mobius Strip, and certainly the first time in a luxury cabin. Since itโs free for members of the new year club, you can heave a sigh of relief. You will never in your life, even if itโs genetically elongated, ever be able to afford a luxury cabin.
"Oh, that looks so good," Yangyang says, large hand smacking against the window to get rid of the colourful advertisements.ย
"It's a convenience store, Yangyang," you say. "It's got everyday ramen."
"No, look. It's a different brand. And they're giving a burger for free with two ramen cups!"
You furrow your eyebrows at him. "Well, I guess it's cheaper too."
"Oh, we can go to one of the upper restaurants too. They're free, remember?"
"I like convenience stores," you mumble. There's something about the lack of even lighting and crowds that made them a comfort spot for you.
โQuick,โ he says, pulling you off the seat when the train stops.
โYangyang!โ you warn. He's so easily excitable that you find it hard to believe he's real sometimes.
However, when he turns around with his big puppy-dog eyes, you curse at yourself before you curse at him. Sighing, you follow him down the steps, his hand tenderly holding yours. Sometimes, you wonder if the human touch means anything at all in this diamond and steel era. Yangyangโs palm is warm against yours.
The ramen tastes awfully delicious on stolen time, and you would complain more if it werenโt for Yangyang looking at you with so serene a look. It annoys you and you try to grab his attention by waving your chopsticks in front of him. When it doesnโt work, you resort to swearing. Youโve never seen anyone respond with a smiling hum after being told to โeat shitโ.
โOh, this tastes so good,โ he states, cheeks puffed with food. โI think Iโm going to cry.โ
โI- I think youโre crying because itโs spicy.โ
โOh.โ
As usual, Yangyang pokes and prods at you with questions about your daily life, like youโre the most interesting thing in a city full of blinding lights, world-class robots and cyber-enhanced technology. You donโt understand how he doesnโt just grow tired of asking every single detail about you.
Apart from the fact that Liu Yangyang is most certainly an environmental hazard, some part of you cannot believe that he's truly terrible. There's something innocent about him, but all at once, something quiet and mysterious.ย
โWhy are you always so curious, Yangyang?โ you ask finally. โWhy are you always running off to different places?โ
โBecause experiences never come twice,โ he answers after some thinking. It seems to be a little difficult for him to articulate, deep contemplation over his features when he continues. โThis cityโฆ all the lights and clubs and arenas, all of it will be gone someday. Like we donโt have telephones or those big computers anymore.โ
You rest your chin on your palm, leaning in.
โThis moment, right here with youโฆ Iโll never experience it again,โ he tells you. โWe can have more midnight convenience store ramen sometime later butโฆ each time will be different. Iโd rather live now.โ
You smile softly. โThatโs a funny thought to live by.โ
โYours isnโt any better,โ he says, patting your head. โAlso, Iโm like hot and young and popular and not a cyborgโhow can I miss parties?โ
You shake your head, laughing. Heโs ridiculous. Heโs completely ridiculous. In that moment, when you look at him, Yangyang seems to be smiling in a daze, eyes on your face.
โYou look nice when you smile,โ he says quietly.
"Thanks," you respond. "I should keep it a secret then, huh?"
"Not from me," he says, smiling.ย
Somehow, the extra minutes you have at the convenience store turn to a few multiplayer games and then, ditching technology, to an arm wrestling match.
"I feel like this game is kind of unfair," you say after losing almost immediately. He's clearly got stronger muscles. Does he work out? Probably against his will, you bet.
โMy right armโs a lot stronger than my left arm,โ he says, before looking a little horrified. โThat wasnโt a masturbation joke, by the way. I am so sorry.โ
You roll your eyes. "Give me your left hand then- wait. You're right-handed?"
"That's not the- uh." He thinks for a moment, trying to gather words. โThatโs not the reason.โ
โI, uh, I heavily damaged this arm when I was a kidโdonโt look like that, thereโs a fun part to this. Itโs made of titanium! And some other things. The names are too complicated.โ
You drive your fingers over the arm, so warm and real and flushed red, anything but metal and code. You find curiosity blooming in you more than ever before.
โYou know why Iโm not with family,โ you say, straightening. โBut why arenโt you celebrating with your family?โย
He gets quiet, thinking to himself for a few more moments. You almost regret asking when he answers, a hesitant sound leaving him first.
โNone of us, uhโฆ none of our parents can spare more than three hours. Theyโll come in the afternoon tomorrโtoday.โ
You canโt exactly respond to that very well.
โSo all of us go hang out at the New Yearโs Club.โ
You frown. "But it's not a celebration without family!"
"We have new year lunches. Andโฆ it's the future. Traditions die. Very few grieve them for fear of being stuck in the past."
You feel partly horrified and partly dismal. "Iโฆ You could come with me next year, if you like."
You're not sure where the offer comes from but Yangyang lights up at the idea.
"I can? Oh, we'll have so much fun!"
"Slow down. There's a year to go."
Yangyang laughs. It's surprising the way he turned out. He must have gotten tired of waiting by the door. And now you know all the things about him that his parents donโt.
You smile at him, warming up to the idea of you and him as friends before scoffing at it again.
Right in the next moment, Yangyang dips suddenly to the ground, crouching below the table. You look around in surprise and fall to your knees with a yelp at the tug on our wrist from Yangyang.
โWhat the hell?โ you hiss. โYouโre starting to act really weird.โ
โI- Sorry. Itโs an emergency,โ he says, but thereโs no sign of distress in his voice. He simply smiles at you. Perhaps heโs never heard of the emotion as of yet.
โYour babysitter?โ
โI say that once and on accidentโyes, itโs my babysitter.โ
You chuckle. Heโs simply too cute at times.ย
โWe have to be discreet now, okay? Itโs likeโwhatโs the movie called? Oh, Mission Impossible.โ
โIโve never seen that.โ
โWhat? How can you not? Itโs a classic! Itโs got so many coolโah, Iโll show you another time.โ
You hum, staring at Yangyangโs facial features tense up and relax again as he scans the vicinity outside the window of the convenience store. Itโs full of people, even at this hour so you canโt possibly know whoโs looking at you from there.
Yangyang turns back to you. โHave you ever been to blue moon station?โ
โThe one with the pretty walls? No. No, Iโve never even gone beyond Strip Two.โ
Yangyang smiles at you and right then, you feel like youโre about to resent whateverโs going to happen next. Itโs in the ebb and flow of tonightโs itinerary, however, and you relax your shoulders just as he does a roll across the floor, looking back at you with a grin for executing it flawlessly.ย
โYouโre so silly,โ you mutter.ย
โI heard that,โ he whisper-shouts back.
Youโre not as afraid as before, you realize. The lights are absolutely mesmerizing.
vi. blue moon station
It drops a few degrees in temperature once you step foot onto the platform. You can see a bunch of scattered tourists, cameras hanging around their neck and a look of awe over their faces.ย
Yangyang takes off his jacket, shivering immediately but offering it to you nonetheless. When you refuse, he places it gingerly over your shoulders.
"Is that aโฆ?"
"A tourist bot, yes."
"Oh my god, it's so cute," you say, crouching by the little red robot, a teal-colored smiley face popping up on its monitor.
"A lot of tourists in this station," you note.
"Yeah. It's veryโฆ visually pleasing."
That's true. The walls are screens with three dimensional graphics, immersive enough to catch one's eye. A single tree grows through the middle of the station, evergreen and alive with holographic flora and fauna. The sun shines eternally over the tree. It's so beautiful that you had trouble taking your eyes off it at first.
The walls next to you are currently displaying a walk through a fantasy forest, crafted by a visionary artist, no doubt. A blue butterfly flies past you and you stare at it before zoning out.
Sometimes, the lights are too disorienting. You start to feel dizzy, massaging your forehead when Yangyang brushes the tips of his fingers against your shoulder.
โYou good?โ
Yangyang crouches beside you with watchful eyes.
You nod, turning your attention to the tourist bot. It displays a plethora of information about the architecture of this place which you're sure no tourist will bother to read beyond the first two lines.ย
โYou can make it do cool tricks too,โ Yangyang says. โWatch.โ
Yangyang pokes at it with his index finger, drawing a pattern over the screen. The bot proceeds to do an old internet dance, waving about its arms and hips. You laugh at it and Yangyang looks at you with the pride of a third grader with first place on their science project.
The colours on the walls change and you see the animation of a man and a fox, furrowing your eyebrows as you try to recall that image. They seem to be broadcasting fables through the holograms. You canโt deny that theyโre prettyโglowing with auspicious colours and as animated as the real world itself. As if by compulsion, you hold Yangyangโs hand. Itโs nice to feel the human touch real once in a while, especially in the overwhelming loneliness of city nights.
Yangyang looks at you brightly and right then, you feel less inclined to leave him.
โYou know, I could teach you better ways to flirt than just grab my hand,โ he says, grinning like an idiot.
โWhat?โย
You move your hand. โIโm not flirting.โ
โSorry, I didnโt mean that,โ he responds quickly. โCan I please have your hand back?โ
You shake your head, laughing. He worries you. Some part of you says you shouldnโt be worried. Itโs not like youโre close friends. (Friends, maybe. Close, not yet.)
The night has a different opinion.
โ
โFound you,โ a voice declares, and the two of you jump into each other with a scream.
The man in the suit looks at you with a fatigued look in his eyes, hair somehow still neat though he breathes like his lungs are on fire.ย
โCare to tell me why youโve been skipping my calls?โ he asks after catching his breath. โItโs not like I wanted to follow youโyou just needed to tell me.โ
โIโฆ I was busy?โ Yangyang flashes a smile. โKun-ge, I honestly had no idea you called. I donโt even have my phone.โ
The man shakes his head. โFine. Just head over to Jasmine for the night. And you can bring your date too.โ
He gestures at you and you want to deny it as quick as you can. You do not, however. Itโs almost like youโve warmed up to the idea of it rather well.
โOkay,โ Yangyang answers quietly.ย
vii. jasmine private lounge
You enter a lounge with the capacity of around a hundred people. Despite that, there are hardly five present. The walls are black with neon jasmines pulsating from blue to red. A grand piano lies still in all its elegance in the middle of the lounge, played by a plain white AI. It feels like an expensive place to be, and more so, it feels like someplace youโre not supposed to step foot into. There's a bar table at one side, opposite to the entrance which glows a hypnotizing purple. A flat lettering on the wall declares the time to be 3 A.M.
You and Yangyang sit a little too close on the artificially warmed couch, waiting for Kun to return. Yangyang reassures you that you haven't done anything wrong but the illicit outing of yours certainly says otherwise. You contemplate tasting the cocktail Yangyang ordered before finally giving in and find it pleasantly warm to taste. You take another sip.
โItโs a little strong,โ Yangyang warns. โDonโt have all ofโyou had all of it.โ
You shrug. Your throat certainly feels better now. This lounge is fucking cold.
"You know, Yangyang," you say with the warmth of confidence on your face. "You're a really nice guy."
He smiles incredulously. "Thanks. You're really nice too."
"And you're pretty decent-lookingโ"
"I know that."
"โand also popular. So why are you always hanging around me?"
"Uh, that's your question?"
You nod. Placing your cheek against your palm, you try not to sink into the couch.
"Because you're really cool!" He answers before clearing his throat. "I mean. I think you're fun to be around. You make me see things clearer."
"And what exactly are you wanting to see clearer?'
"You."
You blink aside your astoundment, straightening. "What?"
Your question is left unanswered because a man enters and sits across the two of you, a loud huff of annoyance leaving his mouth. It's not just his disposition but the architecture of his face that grabs your attention. He looks like an AI robot so perfectly crafted with coloured lips and flawless skin that you end up staring till Yangyang elbows you.
โHeโs not an AI,โ Yangyang whispers.
You furrow your brows and notice it is, in fact, true that he's not an AI. There are no ridges over the joints or hollowness in the eyes. He wears the same frost-patterned smart lenses as Yangyang does. However, it doesn't change the fact that the man is beautiful to look at.
โIโm never hosting a new year party again,โ he mutters, sinking into the couch.
โIt actually sounds kind of fun,โ Yangyang interjects. โI canโt wait for my turn.โ
โIโm sorry. Good luck standing at Longhua temple for three hours till midnight just to make sure nothing goes wrong. Without dinner.โ
Yangyang makes a face at that.
"That's Sicheng-ge," he says, turning to you.ย
"Ah," you say in response, remembering the name vaguely.ย
"He let us into Club 2," Yangyang says, noticing your lost expression.
"I think Kun's looking for you," Sicheng says, eyes trained at the back.ย
His hands fidget with the dim blue buttons at the edge of the table, till a small compartment reveals itself under the glass. An old world-style cigarette is slowly pushed up and Sicheng picks it up. He offers the next one to Yangyang, who accepts it hesitantly. No one smokes tobacco anymore when nicotine is so readily available. Alas, human nature is to want things deadly and out of reach.
โSo howโs Cat?โ Yangyang asks, fumbling with the plasma lighter he picked from a compartment on the side.
Sicheng smiles a little, the smoke from his cigarette snaking around him as he raises a hand to dissipate it.
โSheโs doing fine. Running everything as usual.โ
โOf course. Boss lady.โ Yangyang does an awkward salute.
โOh, a new hair color too. As pretty as flower fields in the spring of โ22.โ
Sichengโs lovesick rambling is interrupted by Yangyang hacking his lungs out. You turn to him and he avoids your gaze, reaching for a crystal blueย glass of water one of the helper bots offer. So, heโs not even a smoker? Why did he think you would care?ย
โAnyway, Kun is glaring daggers at me now. You better get out of here.โ Sicheng grimaces.
You turn around to see Kun by the bar table, gesturing towards Yangyang to come. You're not sure why but either of those men make you nervous.ย
"I'll be right back," Yangyang says, scrambling up and leaving you in a long awkward silence with Sicheng.
โSo, uh, Iโm assuming youโre oblivious to that lovestruck puppy following you around?โ Sicheng asks, raising an eyebrow. โOr is this some game you guys are into? Iโm not judging you for that.โ
Your face heats up and you fidget with your collar. โThe- A what? Game? Uh? I- huh?โ
Sicheng tries to press down his smile but itโs evident enough for you to see. Did you say something funny? Did Yangyang say something funny about you? Oh, youโre going to kill him.
โFor all that he talks, heโs kind of terrible at pulling together his own love life.โย
โI- Iโm not sure what youโre talking about.โ
It still unnerves you to look at him. He certainly looks more android than human when heโs not making any particular expression.
โDonโt mind me,โ he says, offering you a reassuring smile. โYou should find Yangyang before he lands the two of you in trouble.โ
You turn to look at Yangyang through the glass and turn back nodding. Sicheng offers you a parting smile and you hesitantly make your way to the bar table.
"This isn't in my job description," Kun tells Yangyang just before you arrive. "I didn't know being a lawyer included babysitting."
The tips of Yangyang's ears heat up when he notices you.
"It's not babysitting," he murmurs. โAlso, youโre not my mom.โ
"You, Ten, Kunhang, all of you give me such a hard time," he continues but pauses right when he notices you.ย
"Oh, hello. (Name), isn't it?" He says, smiling politely. He's quite young and handsome for a lawyer. "Yangyang talks about you a lot."
"Oh," you respond. "Really?"
Yangyang glares at the older man. "You don't have to say everything, Kun-ge."
"You interested in law?" Kun asks, offering you a seat between him and Yangyang.
You make a face. The law is a tool for the rich and powerful. But then again, what isnโt? The world is in your hands when you have billions to spare. However, you still canโt imagine being a rich man's guard dog your whole life.
Kun chuckles. "You kids are interested in tech more, aren't you?"
Yangyang interrupts, "You talk like you're fifty years old."
Kun grimaces, resting his face against his hand. Shooting a glare at Yangyang, he finishes the rest of his wine.
You're not exactly interested in tech or engineering or the big kid jobs either. You just want a way to survive this man-made food chain. Rich eats the world till thereโs nothing left on the plate. Then again, you'd rather be a pet than get eaten.
"Anyway," Kun turns to Yangyang. "If you see Ten, give me a call."
Yangyang signals with a thumbs up gesture, watching as Kunโs figure slowly makes its way out of the gate. Itโs the two of you again and suddenly, you feel a strange sort of feeling overcome you. Leaning your throbbing forehead against Yangyangโs shoulder, you take some soft breaths and skip the part where you question your actions. Itโs pleasant, at the very least. He shifts his chair closer, extending his arm around you so that your head rests against his shoulder more comfortably.
โYou must be tired,โ he mutters.
โYou didnโt answer me,โ you say. โAnswer in a way I understood, at least.โ
โHm?โ
โWhy do you hang around me?โ
โDo you notโฆ want me to?โ
โNo. I like your company, actually. I canโt believe I said that out loud.โ
Yangyang laughs. โYouโreโฆ youโre really perfect. As a person. At least to me, you seem that way.โ
You scoff. โYouโre a long way off there.โ
โNo. No, you felt like clockwork,โ he continues. โWhen I first met you. I couldnโt believe you were real.โ
You do work like a delirious robot on clockwork steroids. But youโre not very proud of it. You donโt think overworking is a good personality trait to haveโeven if itโs for survival. However, the faraway look in Yangyangโs eyes suggests thatโs not what he means.
โI felt like I understood you,โ he continues after a short pause.
You find it unbelievable. Thatโs the one sentence you could never imagine coming from him to you, much less agree with. But right then, as his warmth seeps into you, you want to agree desperately.
Yangyang feels an unexpected trickle of doubt down his throat. No matter how many times heโs practised in front of the mirror, the words donโt come out right when youโre with him. With everything you do, he feels more drawn in. Thereโs something familiar and something honest. And if heโs honest himself, he just likes you. What sort of a hypocrite should he be categorized as, to tell his friends to โjust confessโ to their crushes when heโs a complete idiot when it comes to you? It canโt be that little voice from his childhood that tells him to stay in order.
Yangyang understands that there are rules to this world but he doesnโt get what those have got to do with him. He sighs, the sound somewhat grim when it comes from him.
"I've seen it before," he says, "People come from all over the country with hopes and dreams, and they get their hearts broken by capitalism."
You frown.
"I don't want you to go anywhere," he mumbles. "I hope you'll stayโฆ even if- even if you feel like that, you know? If you're feeling lonely, I couldโ"
"Yangyang." You smile. "Iโm quite comfortable here."
When you bury your nose into the crook of his neck, Yangyang thinks this is it. This is how he ends the sorry excuse of flirting heโs been trying with you and says something he regrets. It was never this difficult with the other crushes heโs had. Heโs always left opening his mouth and then promptly closing it like a goldfish out of water every single time he wants to bring up dating with you. Heโs always honest. So, whatโs the big deal this time? This is so horrendously not cool of him.
You straighten. โWe should get back home.โ
โCan you- Can you not move so far from me, please?โ Yangyang murmurs, hands gripping yours.
You smile, to yourself more to him but thatโs one he likes the most.
โYouโre a really interesting person, Yangyang.โ
โI am?โ He clears his throat and repeats the question.ย
โHow are you so nice to people?โ
โI think people are nice.โ
โWhy do you like parties?โ
โTheyโre fun.โ
โWhen the partyโs over, who do you go to?โ you ask, words mushing into each other.
โHome,โ he answers, gulping down what seems like more words. โLike always.โ
A hush falls between the two of you. Youโre asking quite the questions.
โIโm sweaty,โ you mutter. โI hate being sweaty.โ
โYou look wonderful though,โ Yangyang mumbles, more to himself than to you. โNot that being sweaty makes you wonderful. Youโre just nice.โ
Thereโs another hush, the notes of the piano playing a faraway, romantic tune. He turns away and looks back at you again, but right in that moment, you lean forward to press your lips against his. Itโs so sudden that he almost falls over backwards, his feet planted firmly on the ground the only thing preventing that from happening. The next thing he thinks is that your lips are on fire and itโs the most comfortable feeling heโs ever experienced.ย
The two of you fit into each other like clockwork, Yangyang thinks. Itโs the one thing in his life that feels whole. Not that he isnโt whole by himselfโhe just loves your warmth. For a moment he feels like heโs on cloud nine and the next, his heart plummets when he feels you go limp in his arms.ย
It breaks his heart a little but he doesnโtโcanโt bring himself to say much. Heโs not this bad when heโs drunk, is he? Pulling you up by the waist, he texts Kunhang to bring his car down to the lounge.
This is going to be a long night.
viii. homeย
You wake up to the sun in your eyes and immediately know you're someplace you shouldn't be. This isn't your bed. The sun doesn't reach your bed in the morning. This isnโt the dormitory. You see a cubical alarm clock, a pixelated smiley face on it as it displays 10 A.M.
You get up and immediately shriek. Youโre not wearing any clothes. Pulling the blanket up to your chin, you look around the room. Itโs huge; the walls are multicolored with a little section opposite the bed reserved for photographs. Thereโs a lot of junk all over the floor that you donโt pay mind to when you notice Yangyang.
โYangyang?!โ
He rouses blinking slowly, hair going every which way and his eyes still unfocused. He looks like heโs had a difficult night.
โWhy are you on the floor?โ you ask, shrinking further into the ridiculously soft bed when he gets up. Massaging the back of his neck, he looks like he's looking at a mirage instead of a real live person. Unfortunately, heโs not wearing a shirt and you look away after a prolonged minute of staring. This is getting ridiculous. What are you doing here?
โYangyang!โ
โHuh? Oh!โ
He seems to be finally awake. You should pop the question before it eats you alive.
"Did- Did weโฆ?"
Yangyang blinks at you in confusion before a loud "oh" erupts from his mouth.
"No!" He says in between laughter. "No, we didn't. Oh my god, youโre so funny. You took off your clothes saying it's too hot and smacked me with them. I didnโt look, by the way.โ
Your jaw drops. You canโt even form words through the pulsing headache.
โYour clothes are on the chair. And I didnโt touch your underwear. Out of respect."
You avoid eye contact in embarrassment.ย
โAndโฆ well, you did kiss me once. Twice.โ
You look up alarmed and he raises his arms in defense.ย
โYou- you were drunk so I had to push you off. You cried a little after that. Sorry.โ
โOh god.โ You cover your face with your hands, sitting down on the bed. That has to be the most embarrassing thing you could have done.
โYou- Donโt worry about that. Youโre a good kisser. I was kind of surprised,โ he offers in an attempt to make you feel better but you only grow hotter in the face.
โAnd- And I liked it,โ he adds in a panic. โWait, I donโt mean it in a creepy way.โ
โIโm glad it wasnโt anyone else.โ
โWhat?โ
โYou. Itโs okay if itโs you.โ
You give him a weak smile, still not over the embarrassment.
Yangyang laughs. โIโฆ I think I shouldโve said this before butโฆ can I take you out on a date?โ
โWhat were we doing last night then?โ
โWell, that was- ah. Youโre teasing me. Motherfucker.โ
You giggle into your palm. When he takes a seat on the bed, you make a distressed sound and he jumps up immediately.
โMy clothes,โ you hiss. โGet out of the room so I can wear them.โ
โRight,โ he says, pointing an index finger at you.
He turns around right then. "By the wayโฆ"
You shriek, pulling the cover up all the way to your nose.
"Sorry," he says, averting his eyes immediately. "If- if that was a date, did you like it? Do you wanna go on another one?"
You can see him practically sweat bullets and you laugh at the innocuous questions. Heโs too cute. You canโt believe you made yourself shake off the thought every time it crossed you. However indelicate his touch is, you welcome it nonetheless.
"Yes. Yes, I'll go on a date with you. You annoying, stupid, bratty idiot."ย
โOkay, that was mean.โ
Watching his figure leave through the door, you relax your shoulders. In the end, people will always be people. No matter what shiny new toy you give them to play with, people will always search for happiness, and they will laugh and cry and fall in love with people and places and things over and over again. It's lovely to be human in an era of diamond and steel.
ASKBOX IS OPEN REQUESTS ARE OPEN HERE ARE THE RULES
ground rules:
1) Funny- the request needs to be humorous, memes usually the most popular but dnd in jokes and other shitpostery is welcome. i abide by the MBMBAM NO BUMMERS rule - there are plenty of sad/deep/beautiful calligraphers out there whoโd be happy to work with yall, but this isnโt that sort of channel
2) Length - aim for no more than 75 characters a request, my cue cards are only so big so I can only fit so much on each one and still not look like garbage. There is a little leeway but if you send me smth with like 120 characters it aint getting written
3) Amount of Requests - I am trying to be fair but i am one person running almost the ENTIRE thing, logistics, tech, etc, I have twitch mods and a roommate for retrieving things and that's it. In order to be fair, please restrict yourselves to 3 requests per person to let everyone have a shot, if you send in more i will ctrl-f your username and pick my favourites
4) Content - I will not do anything I consider under the umbrella of general assholery - this includes racial slurs, edgelord bullshit, exclusionist jackassery etc. Please be kind to each other. Please let me know if Iโve taken a request that is some incredibly obscure piece of assholery, someone once tried to slip a really obscure antisemetic piece of slang by me once
5) Repeats - I keyword tag EVERY SINGLE piece iโve ever done on this blog, if you think I might have written smth already but arenโt sure, the /search/[keyword] is your friend, check if iโve done your request before
the askbox is theshitpostcalligrapher.tumblr.com/ask , not a dm or submission to the blog. Iโll close submissions too so people donโt get the boxes confused. DM me for any actual clarifications, kind words, etc so they donโt get swallowed up by the behemoth of my askbox for months, and if you want to give me live encouragement the twitch link is right there, and is the ideal way to inquire more about any of the day's rules.
If you want to jump the ENTIRE queue and get your card done immediately, there are ways to donate on the twitch stream to get your request done with an ink of your choice. You can still submit 3 free requests in addition to what you pay for.
Iโll be streaming the entire time the askbox is open on twitch @ theshitpostcalligrapher, trying to get as many of these done today as possible live. Once 10PM EST hits, the askbox will close but if you get your request into the askbox by then, it will be done eventually as I always have 4 cards up per day.
Hereโs the link to my twitch, weโll start a little after 3 oโclock.
twitch_live
Here is a direct donation link to my streamlabs, it works like a ko-fi but Iโve got it set to give me alerts on my twitch so I can see and thank you straightaway for supporting my takeout order
I've planned on a few donation goals this time! They help pay for all the hours I put in and the material costs. Every time we hit a goal, I'll refresh it to 0 and math out whatever overlap to add to the new goal
$20 > Time For Tea! I make a sparkly, food safe glittery tea that looks like ink to enjoy with yall on stream
$30 > Jackbox Break! My Discord VC and potentially chat plays a few games
$40 > Takeout O'clock: It is time to order a food, Mia! Polls will probably be involved for food options
$200 (I am fairly sure we won't get this one) > I bought all the requisite items to bleach my hair to prep for a dye. Let's do this shit LIVE ON AIR BAYBEE
Also of Note: I will be moving house sometime in the next week and a half, which means I will be RECYCLING ALL OF THE CARDS I'VE WRITTEN IN THE PAST TWO AND A HALF YEARS (save for the ones folks pay for on stream, those are earmarked to be mailed out anyways) so if you've gotten something written by me from september 2021 to january 2024 or so, please remember that there is an an etsy shop where you can snag any card from the blog for a few dollars. dm the shop if you'd like to buy a bundle of randoms, I WILL give you a sale about it
HOT TAKE. As a society, we are conditioned to hate final seasons. This is fair. We were all betrayed by Game of Thrones and Supernatural and whatnot. As someone who has never watched these (I have only heard generalised complaints about them), let me (drunkenly) yap about the Umbrella Academy s4.
I'm gonna try and keep this vaguely organised.
Luther
I was an adamant Luther hater back in season one and two, I will admit, meeting his actor at Comic Con in 2021 did colour my opinion a little bit, but I loved him in season three. I mean, his romance with Sloane always felt a little rushed to me, but it was certainly sweet, and their wedding was a nice tie in to the "we only see each other at weddings and funerals" thing.
Pros;
In season four, I loved him. He's optimistic about life and goes to great lengths to brighten the moods of people around him, which is the kind of person he lacked all his life. He's being the person he always needed and I love that for him.
The implication that he's pushing aside his festering feelings of dissatisfaction for his life to be there for other people is so moving, and also I love those moments where him and Allison get to just be normal siblings, showing that he's moved on from that toxic era of his life.
His fight scenes are epic and he's all round a good character this season. I understand people's disdain for being sidelined, along with his grief for Sloane, but there are a certain two factors that should be taken into consideration here. The first being that, by s4e1, its been six years since he lost her. He has probably processed that grief and moved on by now, despite how profound the loss. Obviously he still thinks about her, which is why he occasionally brings her up, but it's been a long time. Additionally, he's semi-sidelined because his character arc was pretty well rounded by the end of s3. He's moved on from Allison and was on a trajectory for a healthier life. Its tragic that he lost Sloane, but good that he continued trying to be happy.
Cons;
I do wish his relationship with Ben had been more developed this season. To me, I think the implication is that he's hanging on to Sparrow Ben as a brother (in-law) because he's the closest remaining connection to the Sparrow Academy, therefore Sloane.
Why is he living in the decrepit Sparrow Academy house? Why? Literally why??? This needed more explanation.
Diego
My mother hates him. I lowkey love him. In season two, his character plus his saviour complex was explored so fucking well. I loved him then. I think his character in season three is a decent testament to how boring 'settling down' can be.
Pros;
He reacts very well to everything that happens. That's the best way I could explain it. The realisation that sometimes life is just normal. Its a sweet plotline and I enjoyed it
I loved his relationship with Luther, his visit to the CIA and the fun approach to his power this season.
His final words to Lila, that he knew she didn't mean to hurt him, were so mature and a brilliant way of rounding off his character with a sense of satisfaction and finality. I loved it so much. In that moment, before everything, he was her husband, and that was beautiful.
Cons;
I have very few. I think his depiction as a mailman is silly. I just wish it had been a different job.
Also I wish he'd spoken more Punjabi because I'm pretty sure (correct me if I'm wrong) he learnt that to converse with Lila and her family in their native language, despite Lila's family speaking English.
Why was he immature enough to fight with Five over his wife when the literal world was ending? Not very consistent with his character development but I still liked that scene. Honestly, that was obviously written in as a segue to Five going back to the subway so I guess it did have to be there it just felt a bit weird.
Allison
Oh dear God. Allison Hargreeves, what happened to you? I loved her so much in seasons one and two. Season three Allison ruined everything ever forever. Not through bad writing. Through very good and despicably devastating writing. She has lost so much and she coped with it so badly that she altered all of time to avoid her grief. The evillest girlboss of all time.
Pros;
CLAIRE! Claire Bear. I love you. Thank you season four for giving us Claire and Claire/Allison bonding time.
Also the fact that she's coping with her being a terrible human being by babysitting Klaus for five years (which she is obviously very spiteful about) is very well written.
I like the return of Allison badassery when she shows up and literally busts a man's balls.
I like how she ends the show being physically vulnerable and now Klaus is taking care of her now. That was cute.
Also I love that she's being held accountable for her actions and it makes her a slightly better person! That was fun.
I like that we learn that without her power she was a B-list actor at best.
Cons;
What the fuck were her powers this season? I know they got janky marigold but why is she literally just telekinetic now????
Why didn't they tell us why Ray walked out? She literally altered time to get him back. Like, I know Allison has fucked up every relationship she's ever had but PLEASE tell us what happened.
Also fuck you for what you did to Klaus.
Klaus.
Oh, Klaus Hargreeves, the man that you were. Season one. TRAGIC. I loved it. Season two, the exact same commentary. Season three, I loved him so much, he keeps being my FAVOURITE and also the idea that the drugs and trauma thwarted the full potential of his powers, but the drugs was the only thing that could keep him sane because of his trauma and his powers was so cool. Well done for beginning to overcome your rampant daddy issues Klaus. Season four. He is still my favourite.
Pros;
Having him sell his body in the weirdest way possible was amazing. I love to see it.
The moment between him and Claire where she knew exactly what was happening and he just repeats 'it's too late' and swears at her. Beautifully devastating.
Him getting buried alive was so fucking fitting I can't properly explain it I just love it.
His final line, and the third-to-final line of dialogue in the whole shows being 'I just wanna say, I love you guys, but you're all assholes' sums up perfectly. And it just had to be him that said that. He can never escape his nihilism and I love him for it. Its who he is.
Learning that the 'real' Klaus is a total germophobe was fun.
Cons;
Give my man more screen time. I beg. I am on my knees begging. Please Mr Blackman. Please Mr Way. Give the love of my life more screen time.
I wish Dave had been mentioned once or twice. Dave is forever a part of Klaus. Why didn't he try to contact him when he got his powers back? Why has he forgotten him? If Luther gets a Sloane mention then Klaus should have gotten a Dave mention. I guess Netflix hates the queers unless they're from Heartstopper (/j)
Five
Five is my mother's favourite and she was vomming this season because of you-know-what. The poor woman. She still loves him though, So did I. Five defines The Umbrella Academy. He spent two seasons wearing the uniform, he got the first f-bomb, he was responsible for SO much exposition. All in all, he is quintessential to the aesthetic, plot, and entire existence of the series. Did season four give him justice?
Pros;
I love Five being a CIA agent. This is so him.
Jerome is a funny name for him.
He doesn't ever stop being himself and I love that.
I like how blunt he is about the fact they all have to end their existence. He understands existentialism and his place in the universe more than his siblings (and most people ever) can fathom. It had to be him to deliver that news and he does it so well.
Cons;
The elephant in the room. Him and Lila. I see it. I see the vision. Yes. If two people spend seven years with only each other for company, suspended in time, they will probably develop a romantic relationship. That doesn't make me like it. It is in character for him to lie to Lila (or withhold information from her)about knowing the way home. I just hated every second of it. I thought they were going to steer clear of Five romantic relationships because of how weird his ageing is. He's mentally more than twenty years older than Lila and physically more than ten years younger than her. It is gross. I hate it. It was a reasonable plot choice Honestly, their relationship remaining strictly platonic would have been less realistic than what happened but when has this show ever been realistic? I will say, it makes sense for Five to revert to old coping mechanisms (I am referring to Delores) in a time like this, it's just that this time he had a real person to enact them with. In times of utter distress, Five is a romanticist, so at least his character is consistent.
Why didn't they let him wear a suit that fits him? That was not nice.
Ben
Sparrow Ben is a sexy cunt. I love how much of a knob he is. All the time. This season was a slay for him. We heart assimilation allegories for love and obsession.
Pros;
I repeat - I love the assimilation metaphor. He didn't get to go with grace. I've seen people criticising that he got no meaningful death scene but that's the point. His meaningful death was stolen from him because of his unhealthy obsession with Jennifer and how deeply in love with her he was. It's a commentary of how toxic and co-dependant relationships will destroy a person. I love it.
I love the scene where him and Jennifer are sat either side of the wall watching the same movie. That was so fucking cute.
Cons;
The CGI for his powers was shit. He looked like the squid version of She-Hulk.
Why have the Umbrellas just adopted him into his family? That was weird.
Victor
I have always loved him. Best trans representation I've ever seen. Autism coded. The amount of times I said 'His powers are just autism sensory overload' or 'his powers are just anger issues' has probably burned the phrase into my mother's mind.
Pros;
I like that he was a manwhore in Canada.
I love him having control over his powers this season. We support self control my man.
I love how adamant he is to save Ben. All this man has ever wanted was to save someone. And he never could. So he sacrificed himself to save the world.
Cons;
I was not here for the fit this season. The boots. The jean jacket. Not a serve. I am sorry.
He was kinda cringe and irrelevant this season I'm not gonna lie.
Lila
Thank you Lila for being what I picture when I hear Golden Brown. It makes me happy.
Pros;
A devoted mother. We love her. I also love that her character involves her children but she's more than that. But she still sacrifices everything for them. "Make sure to read to Gracie every night! And don't let the twins fight!" absolutely destroyed me.
I don't know what it is but her fit ate this season.
Her final words being 'Fuck you!' was fun.
Cons;
Her 'LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME' personality got annoying after about four episodes. Not even in s4, just in general.
I wish her backstory had been more addressed this season. It was just completely ignored. Sad.
The Plot.
Pros;
If this show is anything, it is self aware. It makes fun of itself for just doing the apocalypse four times. I love it.
The tragic ending. Too many shows have happy endings these days. I need my bittersweet tragedy and the Umbrella Academy delivered. It actually made me bawl because these characters meant so fucking much to me.
I always said that Klaus's story couldn't end without him dying. I also felt like Five dying would work. Now I think that if one of them goes, they all have to. They were born at the same time and they died that way too. It explains WHY they keep ending the world. Their very existence is apocalyptic. They are a collective incarnation of the apocalypse and that just rounds off the show in such a meaningful way.
I know people hate the 'one true timeline' thing and the 'they all die' thing and feel like its a copout, but its so beautiful to me. They were the problem the whole time. They can't just find some creative and resourceful way out of it this time. This is the end. That's WHY the SONG in the TRAILER WAS 'THE END' by My Chemical Romance!!!!!!!!!!!
Cons;
The plot holes like why does Luther getting his powers back give him his monkey body back when the life-saving surgery that he didn't need in this timeline didn't happen???
Along with many other plot holes that have already been pointed out within this post and by other people a million times so I won't go through the tedium of doing what has already been done.
Special mentions!
The Gene & Jean dance scene! The show knew they couldn't get away with making the Umbrellas dance again but they needed an obligatory Umbrella Academy dance scene and they ATE IT UP.
The song they danced to was also a banger, which segues nicely into my next mention which is the SOUNDTRACK. It SLAPS. Muse! Bloodhound Gang! Cher! ALL IN ONE SHOW. The Umbrella Academy's soundtrack has always been amazing and season four is not any different.
The closing line "On the eighth of august 2024" etc. DESTROYED ME.
THE USE OF 'I THINK WE'RE ALONE NOW' KILLED ME.
THE POST CREDITS WITH THE MARIGOLD FLOWERS AAAAGHHH.
ALL THE SIDE CHARACTERS UGH.
Also, the production photos from across the years in the credits. I loved them so fucking much.
They kept handling Victor's trans storyline well, not pretending he was never a girl and including him in flashbacks. Idk I liked it.
Diego naming his daughter after his mother is so sweet.
Random criticism though - the casting for the teen versions of the Umbrellas was ATROCIOUS. Klaus somehow looked five years old and in his mid forties at the same time.
Description: fluff to angst โ oneshot โ part smau
In which myung jaehyun desperately tries to figure out why his lover left him, only to realize something he never wanted in a million years
Pairings: myung jaehyun x afab!reader
Words: 1.9k
Warnings: angst โ mentions of crying
Authorโs Note: hiii !! this is my first time putting a little note (หถแต แต แตหถ) i just wanted to say that this oneshot is partially inspired by tomorrow x togetherโs song โghostingโ so i strongly recommend that you listen to it while reading (ใ ยด ห `) happy reading !!
Tags: @onedoornet
you disappeared, you disappeared
jaehyun remembers the day he fell in love with you down to the date: 5/30/2021. it was the happiest moment of his life. he remembers your relationship and how happy you two were like the back of his hand.
but do people really know the back of their hand all that well?
you were sitting at your desk in the class you and jaehyun had together. it wasn't any extraordinary desk or any extraordinary class you had. hell, you weren't even an extraordinary person to him at the time.
jaehyun often fell asleep towards the end of class, but on this particular day he stayed awake long enough to truly see the most beautiful girl he's ever seen for the first time.
the soft glow of the sun cast upon the middle of the classroom at an angle that borderline blinded jaehyun, but casted warm rays over your giggling face as a sudden breeze whipped your hair around delicately. he thought you were an angel, thanking the heavens for keeping him awake today to see you in a new light.
that was the moment jaehyun fell in love with you at first sight. after all, it was practically fate that jaehyun chose this particular day to not fall asleep and witness the lovely glow from the most beautiful girl in his eyes. it was the first time jaehyun had ever stopped to look at you, admiring the way the light shone on your smiling face and rosy cheeks.
the moment was short lived since you turned to face the front, but the sight forever remained ingrained into jaehyun's memory.
jaehyun was normally a confident person, but whenever he saw you he turned into a blushing, stuttering mess. he resolved to talk to you every day, but never did. his best friend, sungho, was getting tired of watching him just sit and stare for a whole month before taking matters into his own hands.
sungho did some of his own digging on your instagram and found out that you really like strawberry milk, so he bought one for you without jaehyun knowing. he tossed it onto your desk while you were away. jaehyun's eyes widened, shooting sungho a look that said 'what in the world are you doing??'
sungho just shrugged and subtly watched as you came back to your desk. jaehyun unconsciously stared at the little box of milk, then slowly lifted his gaze towards you as you picked it up.
"is this yours jaehyun?"
jaehyun could swear your voice sounded like pure music to his ears. it sounded even more heavenly to him since you said his name with a slight tremor, afraid that it wasn't his.
"yes! well, no.. it's for you actually"
jaehyun stumbled over his words, looking down st his desk to hide the spreading blush on his cheeks. you adopted a look of surprise, but you weren't stupid. it was clear that jaehyun had a little crush on you.
it would be a lie to say you didn't have the tiniest crush on jaehyun too. you thought his positivity and smile were contagious, especially admiring the way he so easily got along with everyone in class.
"really? thank you jaehyun"
you said happily, smiling when jaehyun finally looked back up at you, a smile of his own spreading from the corners of his lips.
when class started again, sungho nudged jaehyun as if to tease and say 'i knew what i was doing.' jaehyun didn't care. he just smiled unconsciously at the back of your head, absolutely smitten with your entire being.
that was the first time jaehyun had ever outwardly expressed any romantic interest towards you. he eventually got less shy, putting little notes on assorted snacks he got you from the school store.
before you knew it, you fell for jaehyun harder than he fell for you. every time you got a note, the smile on your face wouldnโt go away no matter what happened that day. it was your first ever glimpse of innocent high school love.
you loved reading jaehyun's little notes and passing your own notes back to him during breaks. this went on for a couple months before jaehyun got the courage to ask you to meet him outside during lunch.
you found him waiting under the big tree in the garden, small green leaves flying every which way with the slight breeze rebelling against the summer heat.
"hey"
you said somewhat shyly. you were surprised at yourself. you'd always done pretty well to come off as confident and straightforward, but something about the way jaehyun's slight curls bounced in the wind while a faint smile showed on his lips made your heart race just a tiny bit more than usual.
"hi y/n"
jaehyun said shortly, eyes shifting around nervously. the awkward silence following caused you both to lock eyes and start giggling, immediately easing any tension.
"what did you want to see me for?"
you had some idea why jaehyun called you out to talk, but you needed the closure and answer from jaehyun himself.
jaehyun suddenly started fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, briefly looking at the floor before lifting his head to look at you.
"i just wanted to say that i've really enjoyed all the little moments we spend together in class, and that these past couple months i've realized that you make me extraordinarily happy in a way that i want to make last as long as destiny will let us"
jaehyun paused to take a deep breath, his hands shaking as his fingers broke away from the hem of his shirt.
"i really like you y/n, and i was wondering if you would let me be your boyfriend?"
jaehyun looked at your eyes nervously, desperately hoping that you wouldn't look at him in disgust or pity. he was elated to see the exact opposite of what he was afraid of, your eyes shining with happiness with a wide smile and a soft blush.
"i'd love to. would you let me be your girlfriend?"
you responded shyly once more and jaehyun suddenly stepped closer, tentatively holding one of your hands.
jaehyun looked into your eyes, getting lost in the way your eyes sparkled with hope and happiness before glancing down at your lips. you did the same, and jaehyun took it as his sign. he leaned forward to press a soft kiss to your lips.
the kiss clearly showed your guys' inexperience. it was unsynchronized and the slightest bit sloppy, but it made it all the more endearing when everything fell into place. you two fit each other perfectly, as if you were made just for each other.
you two pulled away shortly after, looking each other in the eyes and sharing innocent laughs hand in hand as you walked back to the classroom together.
like a faint ghost, you disappeared
jaehyun woke up from his dream feeling empty again, memories of his first love resurfacing for the third time that week.
you and jaehyun had broken up 6 months ago.
all he could think about was you. you plagued his every thought at every second of the day. it felt like a curse to jaehyun, who only longed for you back.
when you broke up with jaehyun, you told him why. he knew you told him. but he couldnโt remember a single thing. his mind went blank the moment you mentioned it. all he knew is that he wanted you back, so he searched for the reason himself.
he desperately searched for any possible reason why you left so suddenly. jaehyun thought everything was going well, that you two were happy and perfect. everyone viewed you as the perfect couple, and you two were always so loving in their eyes. so why?
jaehyun scrolled through your guys' texts for the thousandth time in two months, just searching for any sort of change in your guys' conversations.
and every time he searched, he saw the same conversations over and over again. day by day, he looked for any sign of why you left, and he never found a thing.
jaehyun took a break to scroll through instagram, a new post from you coming up on his page.
'the sky is so beautiful today แกฃ๐ญฉโ
the caption read. jaehyun scrolled through each and every one of the photos you posted. he thought you looked as beautiful as the day he first fell in love with you.
jaehyun couldn't help but tear up at seeing your smile. all he ever wanted was for you to be happy, but he never expected that he wouldn't be part of your happiness. it was bittersweet, seeing you be happy while he felt empty and alone.
jaehyun couldn't take it anymore. he went day after day wondering what happened, never getting a single clue. he called sungho who, while rather reluctantly, was willing to come over after seeing jaehyun's desperation.
"i just need you to help me please. i just want to know what went wrong"
jaehyun had pleaded over the phone, showing sungho his texts with you when he arrived.
sungho looked over your guys' texts and it was painfully obvious what the problem was: jaehyun never had time or attention to give you.
but jaehyun clearly knew that because he apologized for that reason, so why was he asking?
actually, i know. "no answer", that's the answer
after sungho left, jaehyun couldn't stop the flow of tears from slowly escaping while he faced reality. he knew he didn't have time for you. he knew he didn't pay attention to you as much as he should've. but he so badly wanted one more chance to go back and change things.
he unconsciously ignored all the arguing and disappointment in your guys' texts, wanting to believe that you guys were truly happy in every aspect. but that's not true.
what people thought was "perfect" was anything but perfect. what people thought was "happy" ended up being silent loneliness.
it felt like karma. jaehyun had made you feel lonely once upon a time while he felt happy, and now you were happier than ever while he felt alone.
just like us in the picture, we have to go back again. i'm still here..
in his final attempt to get over you, jaehyun looked at one of his favorite pictures of you two. it was a picture a friend of yours took with you smiling and blushing while jaehyun gave you a kiss on the cheek.
jaehyun kept scrolling through the pictures and all his favorite memories with you hit him. he remembered the sweet kisses you shared. he remembered the way you poked his hand before holding it. he remembered the way you held him in your arms as he cried, you wanting to cry just as bad for reasons he was too stupid to realize.
he never deleted the pictures. jaehyun just cried harder. he wanted to go back to that so badly. he wanted to hold you, to be with you, to show you that he truly loves you. he wanted you.
like a faint ghost, the love of his life slipped from his fingers. the love of his life just wanted to know her boyfriend wanted her. the love of his life just wanted to feel loved.
Can u help me understand Lestappen please? Iโm trying to get into it because itโs a popular ship and I donโt want to miss out on great fics and stuff.
But I see Tumblr posts of MV and CL that scream โHEART EYESโ or โHUSBANDSโ andโฆI donโt see it. I canโt suspend my disbelief. Like I get theyโve been competing for 20 years or whatever but I donโt get anything other than profesh respect. And when we regularly see how they are with other people, like MV with Daniel or Lando, or CL with Carlos, Lestappen looks even worse.
Can you please help me see the Lestappen light?
hi anon! lemme break it down for ya. the reason why lestappen is such a popular ship is bc not only of the mutual respect that they have for each other, but the history they have, and their interactions have been pretty cute and all.
even max and lando don't really interact that much, and lando goes as far as to say that "he's not my bff, don't ever say that again" when asked about him and max's relationship. and max with danielโwell, max has always loved daniel and had a crush on that man since his first days in f1 so... different dynamic for sure. charles with carlos interactions... they are cute and all but i think their racing dynamics are just so awkward? esp i think that the ferrari politics deffo affected their relationship and all. cross-team dynamics between charles and max have a nice dynamic, but i'll break down some of the key events
lestappen lore timeline!
2012 - when the inchident occurs - you just need to watch this video. it's just so funny. no words can explain this ๐ญ
2014 - when max essentially recommends charles to race for his old f3 team, van amersfoort racing, a dutch team. and the team boss had a lot of positive things to say about the two <3
2019 - the singapore flag incident... mr. i know geography and i love flags SOMEHOW doesn't know the difference between the singapore flag and the monaco flag
2019 - when we get to austria 2019. essentially, charles is about to win his FIRST ever f1 gp with 3 laps to go, and max pushes charles off track, overtaking him and eventually winning. charles is FURIOUS on the podium. and then they have to share a plane back home but max is all like "oh yeah we're good! ๐ he's talented and he will have his first win this year for sure! we have at least 15-20 years of racing together still! ๐" and then on the plane charles unfollows max. max does the same ๐ญ
2022 - jumping forward to austria 2022, when charles wins the race! and they have this GAY ASS PODIUM
austria is lestappen holy ground.
2020 - when we get this wonderful clip of sebastian asking whether or not charles thinks max is pretty.
seb: is he pretty?
charles: *giggles and then silence* OH WAIT. i thought you said 'is he british?' i was like, that's not physical... *panicked leg shake* i don't know!!! *laughs again*
charles not wanting to answer if max is pretty... we should take that as a yes <3
2021 - the year of their baku love tree <3 according to an old turkish custom, when a couple get married, they plant a tree together, and they water it to symbolize their marriage and their hope for leading a happy and beautiful life!
and then jumping forward to 2023 in baku, they have the SAME IDENTICAL TIME during first runs in q3. only max is first bc he did his lap first.
2022 - cota! before the press conference they talk and max goes "fresh again?" and charles starts GIGGLING. like yeah we know u were drunk celebrating ๐
2022 - secret santa! when charles has max for secret santa and this guy just. gives him f1 2022. with THREE OF HIS FACES. and has a card and writes "one edition for my BIGGEST FAN." not normal about this at ALL.
2023 - charles admits to drinking red bull after he couldn't say in an interview but then likes a tweet later ๐ญ
2023 - paddelgate. max loses to charles in october
and then they're supposed to play together in december!
but then... Max stays up until 4 am the night before the match (doing a 24 hour charity stream) and sleeps in and misses the entire event. ๐
ok i could literally go on and on about them but i'm going to end it here with a couple quotes:
"Of course I have a lot of respect for Max. He has done very well and I have a lot of respect for what he has achieved. When we drove in karts, we dreamed of Formula 1 together and here we are now! He has the title I won and I have a lot of respect for that."
"I always thought that, if I'd make it to F1, Charles would also make it."
yourinstagram happy birthday to my best friend in the whole entire world i love u charlie!!! this is only time of the year ill be nice to u ๐ซถ๐ฝ๐ซถ๐ฝ
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charles_leclerc You call posting that second photo being nice?? ๐ญ
โ View 129 more replies
yourinstagram i said i love you is that not enough
user7 I LOVE THEM!!!!!
ynfan y/n is the only person allowed to clown on charles
pascale.leclerc.355 ๐ฅน๐ค
user2 he looks so good in the first pic omfg
pierregasly ๐คฃ
October 16, 2021
charles_leclerc
Liked by yourinstagram and 432,577 others
charles_leclerc L.A. โค๏ธ
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yourinstagram i post such good photos of you and u post urself in those horrible pants..you'll be single forever
โ View 249 more replies
charlesupdates LMAO get his ass
charles_leclerc Only need you ๐ค
user1 DONT GIVE ME HOPE LIKE THIS
user13 does she have to follow him everywhere?
arthur_leclerc Thanks for the invite guys!!!
user4 who was y/n looking at like that
โ View 35 more replies
yourinstagram the waiter bringing us our food
ylnleclerc get married already ๐ซฃ
December 4, 2021
2023
rubendias
Liked by masonmount and 538,838 others
rubendias ๐ค
View all 3,589 comments
yourinstagram not enough pictures of me but okay
โ View 285 more replies
rubendias Other pictures of you were not appropriate ๐คฃ
user2 i cant stand them
yoursister she looks beautiful โค๏ธ and you're there...
jackgrealish Vacay is over..time to come back to training!
user3 i love when two sexy people date each other
sasha_rebecca Angel in slide 3! ๐ผ๐
March 3, 2023
charles_leclerc
Liked by yourinstagram and 953,389 others
charles_leclerc Third in the main race today. Nothing we could have done more.
Thank you for the support and see you in Miami ๐บ๐ธ
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ylnleclerc IS THAT A Y/N LIKE IN THE YEAR 2023
โ View 49 more replies
user6 i'm literally in disbelief...
charlielover they def rekindled in february thats what im choosing to believe and now all we need is for them to follow each other again ๐
scuderiaferarri ๐ชโค๏ธ
user8 not to sound delusional but i bet y/n is still so proud of him despite what happened between them ๐ฅบ
pierregasly P3 Baby ๐๏ธโโ๏ธ
charlesfan proud of u for being able to take that horrible car past its limits
April 30, 2023
yourinstagram
Liked by pierregasly and 197,288 others
yourinstagram happy birthday to my boyfriend!
View all 1,854 comments
rubendias Best birthday present ๐คค
yourfriend you are so funny bruh
ynstan i could treat you better queen ๐ญ
user2 pierre back in her likes.....im connecting the dots
pascale.leclerc.355 Beautiful ๐ค
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yourinstagram thank you pascale ๐๐
May 15, 2023
yourinstagram added to their story.
May 21, 2023
dailymail
43,382 likes
dailymail Seems like trouble has hit for Manchester City player, Ruben Dias and his girlfriend Y/N Y/L/N ๐ The star snogs mystery woman on boat during holiday in Formentera despite his ongoing relationship with Y/L/N.
Comments on this post have been limited.
July 24, 2023
tags (tagging everyone who asked about a part 2/asked to be reminded!): @julesandro @tempo-rary-fix @briandaflores19 @fangirlika @escapism-writer @haloxmendes @leclerc16s @vita-di-moda
aka thoughts on Sunny Side of London and a different view than what the band paints it as - a long ramble that resembles an analysis.
So SSOL has been described by the band as a song that captures and describes their concerts, and that the Sunny Side of London is not a real, physical space and rather something that represents their fandom as well as their concerts. Thus it is seen as a fun upbeat song, meant to raise your mood and feel included in something - to feel as if you are part of something fun. I, however, have a different interpretation of the lyrics.
Since London is known for its bad weather and rain, the title Sunny Side of London feels like it is referencing something that doesn't exist. Something you dream of and wish for, but don't actually have. In this regard, the lyrics are wishful. The lyrics wish for a place in which everyone can be as free as a dove, in which your money, sexuality, gender, skin colour or religion don't matter. Wishing for equality and for a place in which all that matters is your happiness and love for others. Looking at this from the perspective of a wishful dream, the lyrics turn sombre, as if painfully aware that this is not real and the place they yearn for does not exist. The lyrics wish for a sunny London and a beautiful day. But only wish, because it is not real, and is impossible to achieve. Or, like a sunny day in London, could be achieved for just small moments before it's all gone again, and what's left is a depressing and unaccepting place,in which you are not free. A representation of reality.
Additionally, the lyrics are often read and understood as being about the audience the band has - the fans that come to their shows. However, I think that the lyrics are about Bojan himself, much like Barve Oceana is written about himself. In 2021, Bojan said that during their concerts he is free as a bird because he is surrounded by friends who know him well, so he doesn't have to be ashamed of anything. This correlates to the lyrics of SSOL that are about hugging your best friend, being as free as a dove, and nothing except happiness and love mattering. In the same interview he said that when he is on stage he never feels like he doesn't belong or that he doesn't know what he is doing there. That is to say, the stage was a safe place for him - his own sunny side of London.
When looking at the recently shared image of the early version of SSOL lyrics, it seems like Bojan himself is even more present in the song than in the final lyrics. Overall, these lyrics are more personal to the band. The earlier version uses a lot of 'we' and 'us', while the published lyrics only use 'you'. This shows that while the finished song is aimed toward the listener, the first versions also included the band itself in the people who were at the sunny side of London. With lines like "It's a place for people like me and you / So if you feel like joining us too" it is clear that this is Bojan himself speaking, and he is also looking for the sunny side of London.
This takes a more depressing turn when considering when the lyrics were written. The song was written in August of 2023, less than a month after the concert during which Bojan suffered a panic attack. He has later said that since the incident the stage hasn't felt as comfortable to him, and that he has lost his safe space. Paired with the idea of the sunny side of London being something unreachable and wishful thinking, it seems as if the lyrics are mourning the loss of the safe space Bojan had. The lyrics are hopeful, aggressively so, as if trying to find a place of freedom while knowing that it is just a dream, and that the reality is much harsher. It seems like Bojan was trying to dream up a place in which he would feel safe and accepted, since in reality he had lost that.
In conclusion, reading the lyrics of the song as if the sunny side of London was something that didn't exist, the lyrics seem depressing, as if knowing such a good and accepting place could never exist. It also reveals Bojan's struggle with trying to feel comfortable on a stage again, since the lyrics seem to be for (if not about) himself.