#hannah heller

[airenrts]

and then I go and spoil it all By saying somethin' stupid like, "I love you"

[lycheeloach]

overanalyzing mordecai's letter to his mom

Transcription + ramblings under the cut

Mother, Forgive my unannounced departure. Circumstances relating to my employment have made required me to travel on short notice. It may be some time before I am able to correspond again, but you will find savings in my rented room above the dry grocery adequate for living. Give Mrs. Kovitz the name Ezra [and] she will allow you upstairs. There is a safe box in the southeast corner behind the baseboard. [combination in Hebrew, more on that later] Please use some portion of it to relocate to more suitable living space, expeditiously. Purchase somewhere if you are able. The building is poorly ventilated, m[cut off, but based on the version from the Lackadaisy website it almost certainly says 'moldy'] and unhealthful. -M[ordecai]

First things first, he opens his letter with just 'mother'. 1) he's more formal than Esther, who just calls her 'mom' (though that might be because it's a Serious Letter). 2) he also signs it just 'Mordecai'. no 'dear' or 'love' here because he's totally not sentimental at all, right? he's also bad at expressing emotions, so instead we have to extrapolate how much his family means to him through his actions.

'forgive my unannounced departure' is telling in a couple of ways. First, it's pretty much an apology, which is something we don't really see from Mordecai. Second, it suggests that he and his mom are still in frequent contact, even after he's moved out.

The way Mordecai crosses out the word 'made' and replaces it with 'required' is probably in an effort to sound less alarming- less like he was forced to skip town. But he's so pressed for time and resources that he doesn't start over with a fresh sheet of paper.

'It may be some time before I am able to correspond again' he knows he's screwed. He's pretty sure he's going to die on this train, but he focuses on what's more important- writing to his mom and telling her where to find the money necessary for her and his sisters to have a better life.

It's revealed that Mordecai is renting a room- this gives him the personal space he so desperately needs, and also might be for reasons of keeping his work and home lives separate. Ezra is presumably an alias and he may have even given Mrs. Kovitz instructions to let his mother in if she ever came by. (Sidenote, in all likelihood she was probably just his landlady but I still kinda want to know how Mordecai would interact with Mrs. Kovitz.)

SO. here's an interesting fact for you. The safe combination is the name of Mordecai's youngest sister, Hannah, who died in infancy (you can see her in Tzipporah's arms here). Characters in the Hebrew alphabet correspond to numbers, hence how her name could be a safe combination. I can't phrase this in an analytical way- Mordecai using the name of his sister who died approximately a decade ago for the safe makes me explode. It makes all my bones fall out.

Apparently Mordecai saved enough money for his family to only need some of it to move to a better place. He emphasizes the importance of moving right away, because their building is gross- more than that, the tenements had very high mortality rates, something that the Heller family experienced firsthand.

The last thing I want to say is how desperate Mordecai is to get the letter mailed, practically begging strangers for postage. He's certain he's about to be shot in the face and he still fixates on sending that letter, because if he doesn't, everything he did for his family will have been for nothing.

In conclusion, I am normal.

[nichenarratives]

Kissy kissy! A gift from: @esto-es-un-error

Millie and Mordy sharing their first kiss... Much to Mordecai's surprise! The beginning of everything... And much, much more.

Like these Smalls:

Amaryllis Hannah Heller, a little girl obsessed with all insects and bugs. Often bringing them home on her face, much to the chagrin of her Father. Millie loves to sit and read about insects with her, encouraging her to explore her hobbies.

And Issac Kenneth Heller, a quiet and focused little boy with a train hyperfocus, who brings model trains to his Father's interests. They spend most weekends building intricate, intersecting tracks and timing multiple trains perfectly to no collide.

The cutest little Hellions, I'm sure you'll agree.

[thatbiologist]

G’eth Character Name Bank

First Names

Masculine Names

Alfred, Andrew, Arlo, Arthur, Balthazar, Barry, Ben, Benedick, Bernard, Burchard, Cedric, Charibert, Crispin, Cyrill, Daegal, Derek, Digory, Drustan, Duncan, Edmund, Edwin, Elric, Evaine, Frederick, Geffery, George, Godfreed, Gregory, Guy, Harris, Harry, Horsa, Hugh, Humphrey, Iago, Jack, Jeremy, John, Kazamir, Kenric, Lawrence, Leoric, Lorik, Luke, Lynton, Lysander, Madoc, Magnus, Maukolum, Micheal, Miles, Milhouse, Mordred, Mosseus, Ori, Orvyn, Neville, Norbert, Nycolas, Paul, Percival, Randulf, Richard, Robert, Roderick, Stephen, Tennys, Theodoric, Thomas, Tristan, Tybalt, Victor, Vincent, Vortimer, Willcock, Willian, Wymond

Feminine Names

Adelin, Alice, Amelia, Beatrix, Beryl, Bogdana, Branwyne, Brigida, Catalina, Catherine, Claudia, Crystina, Deanna, Desdemona, Elaine, Elinora, Eliza, Enide, Eva, Ferelith, Fiora, Freya, Gertrude, Gregoria, Gueanor, Gwen, Gwendolyn, Hannah, Hegelina, Helen, Helga, Heloise, Henrietta, Igraine, Imogen, Jacquelyn, Jane, Jean, Jenny, Jill, Juliana, Juliet, Katie, Leela, Lettice, Lilibet, Lilith, Lucy, Luthera, Luz, Lyra, Malyna, Margherita, Marion, Meryl, Millie, Miranda, Molle, Morgana, Morgause, Nezetta, Nina, Novella, Olwen, Oriana, Oriolda, Osanna, Pamela, Petra, Philippa, Revna, Rohez, Rosalind, Rose, Sallie, Sarra, Serphina, Sif, Simona, Sophie, Thomasine, Tiffany, Ursula, Viola, Winifred, Yrsa, Ysabella, Yvaine, Zelda, Zillah

Gender-Neutral/Unisex Names

Adrian, Alex, Aiden, Arden, Ariel, Auden, Avery, Bailey, Blaire, Blake, Brett, Breslin, Caelan, Cadain, Cameron, Charlie, Dagon, Dana, Darby, Darra, Devon, Drew, Dylan, Evan, Felize, Fenix, Fernley, Finley, Glenn, Gavyn, Haskell, Hayden, Hunter, Jace, Jaime, Jesse, Jo, Kai, Kane, Karter, Kieran, Kylin, Landon, Leslie, Mallory, Marin, Meritt, Morgan, Nell, Noel, Oakley, Otzar, Paris, Peregrine, Quant, Quyn, Reagan, Remy, Robin, Rowan, Ryan, Sam, Samar, Sasha, Sloan, Stace, Tatum, Teegan, Terrin, Urbain, Vahn, Valo, Vick, Wallace, Waverly, Whitney, Yardley, Yarden, Zasha

Surnames

Surnames, Patrilineal - First Name (Patrilineal Surname)

Ace, Allaire, Appel, Arrow, Baker, Bamford, Barnard, Beckett, Berryann, Blakewood, Blanning, Bigge, Binns, Bisby, Brewer, Brickenden, Brooker, Browne, Buller, Carey, Carpenter, Carter, Cheeseman, Clarke, Cooper, Ead, Elwood, Emory, Farmer, Fish, Fisher, Fitzroy, Fletcher, Foreman, Foster, Fuller, Galahad, Gerard, Graves, Grover, Harlow, Hawkins, Hayward, Hill, Holley, Holt, Hunter, Jester, Kerr, Kirk, Leigh, MacGuffin, Maddock, Mason, Maynard, Mercer, Miller, Nash, Paige, Payne, Pernelle, Raleigh, Ryder, Scroggs, Seller, Shepard, Shore, Slater, Smith, Tanner, Taylor, Thatcher, Thorn, Tilly, Turner, Underwood, Vaughan, Walter, Webb, Wilde, Wood, Wren, Wyatt, Wynne

Surnames, Townships in G’eth - First Name of (Location)

Abelforth, Argent Keep, Barrow Springs, Barrowmere, Bedford, Brunhelm, Bumble, Casterfalls, Dunbridge, Falmore Forest, Folk’s Bounty, Frostmaid, Fulstad, Heller’s Crossing, Hertfordshire, Humberdale, Inkwater, Little Avery, Marrowton, Mistfall, Mistmire, Morcow, Necropolis-on-Sea, Otherway, Parsendale, Piddlehinton, Port Fairwind, Redcastle, Ransom, Rutherglen, Saint Crois, Tanner’s Folly, Tavern’s Point, Wilmington

Surnames, Geographical Locations in G’eth - First Name of the (Location)

Cove of Calamity, Deep Woods of Falmore, Eastern Isles, Eastern Mountains, Foothills, Frozen Peak, Lakes, Maegor Cobblestones, Northern Mountains, Southern Isle, Tangle, West Coast, Wild Wild Woods, Woods of Angarad

Surnames, Nickname - First Name the (Something) 

Bald, Bastard, Bear, Bearded, Big, Bird, Bold, Brave, Broken, Butcher, Bruiser, Careless, Caring, Charitable, Clever, Clumsy, Cold, Confessor, Coward, Crow, Cyclops, Devious, Devoted, Dog, Dragonheart, Dreamer, Elder, Faithful, Fearless, Fey, Fool, Friend, Generous, Giant, Goldheart, Goldfang, Gouty, Gracious, Great, Hag, Handsome, Hawk, Honest, Huge, Humble, Hungry, Hunter, Innocent, Ironfist, Ironside, Keeper, Kind, Lesser, Liar, Lionheart, Little, Loyal, Magical, Mercenary, Merchant, Messenger, Old, Orphan, Pale, Polite, Poet, Poor, Prodigy, Prophet, Proud, Reliable, Romantic, Rude, Selfish, Sellsword, Scab, Scholar, Shield, Shy, Singer, Sirrah, Slayer, Slug, Small, Stoneheart, Swift, Tadde, Talented, Tart, Tenacious, Timid, Tiny, Tough, Traveller, Trusted, Truthful, Viper, Wizard, Wolf, Wyrm

[cam-ulu29]

the problem in the majority of destiel conversations is the weaponization of lgbtqia. It’s a well-known fact (I thought) that the majority of shippers for any given m/m ship are straight women. Destiel isn’t about queer representation. I cried when I realized that Castiel’s so well written asexuality was destroyed to make room for another fetish ship. It was so well written…his reaction to having sex for the first time…his interactions with Meg where he tries to copy what he saw in the porno…his confusion when Hannah took off her clothes in front of him…that was queer representation. That was beautiful, multi-layered, accurate asexuality. But because we’re in a culture obsessed with sex, no, he had to want to get in on with another man, because that’s what everyone wants to see. Straight women push these ships. They created Omegaverse BECAUSE IT RELIES ON THE FEMINIZATION OF MEN TO RATIONALIZE THE ATTRACTION BETWEEN THEM. DO YOU NOT SEE HOW INVALIDATING THAT IS TO LEGITIMATE GAY RELATIONSHIPS. im sorry I have strong feelings about omegaverse.

Pushing Destiel by claiming representation is a horrible thing to do if you’re truly an ally. It erases already established queer representation for the most popular thing in all of lgbtqia. It is a creepy fetish being pushed by straight women who want to see two men get it on, just like Stucky or everything else hellers across all fandoms throw fits about while ignoring the characters they should really care about if they truly want to see equality. Stop using lgbtqia and calling people homophobic to push your stupid fetish. It’s not an weapon. And it obviously has nothing to do with chemistry or even romantic subtext, it’s just the safer m/m ship in the fandom, so it’s the one people latched onto.

And if you haven’t seen supernatural, or have only barely seen supernatural, I don’t care if you’re part of the lgbtqia community. Don’t you fucking dare come at me. You have no idea what’s going on.

[nancylou444]

Ah, this is the foolishness that I missed

As @trials-era-sam points out, CASS is just as white as Dean, so how does that make it an interracial relationship? In fact, ALL of his vessels were white.

OP's tags:

Yes, HELLERS ignore Cassie/Lisa/Carmen/Robin/Ann Marie/Hannah/April and so on, when it comes to Dean (and Cass') straightness.

Who the heck is shipping with Gordon with either brother? Gordon tried to kill Sam MANY TIMES.

And what happened to Cassie?

Well maybe hellers should understand that "ship and let ship" doesn't apply to ONLY their ship(s).

[angelinthefire]

As someone who's been around the fandom longer than i, what do you think of the claim that destiel shippers were the reason female characters got killed or kicked off the show? This seems to be a really common narrative in gen fandom spaces like r/supernatural but there's never any mention of wincest shippers and idk I find it kind of dubious. I mean obviously when it's applied to characters like bela or ruby it makes no sense but what about others? Like the claim usually goes oh they could never keep around a love interest for either of them because the hellers would throw a fit but did that happen? Usually it's brought up with Jo, Lisa, Meg, and Hannah. I know that is not actually why Meg left the show, but what about the others? I also know Alona and Cindy Sampson in particular are cited as receiving harassment for their roles but did this actually have anything to do with destiel seeing as it wasn't that popular of a ship back then? I only started watching in 2014 when destiel was the biggest ship and it never seemed to me like they were trying to set up romances that were shot down by the fans. I mean did anyone actually expect hannah to be an endgame love interest? And no one really makes this claim about Amara either. And it also wouldn't apply to characters like Charlie or Missouri either who both still got killed off. Idk I've just been seeing a lot of narrative recently about fans being primarily responsible for the killing off of female characters but I feel like it's shifting blame a bit, even more so to apply it solely to destiel fans (I mean did destiel get Sarah Blake killed??)

Yeah blaming destiel shippers is ridiculous. Destiel shippers didn't even reach preponderance in the fandom until s8. The worst of the misogyny of the fandom was solidly concentrated in the first half of the shows life. Attitudes changed as societal attitudes changed, and as the show itself finally broke down and developed more of an ensemble cast.

The wincesties/bronlies were always far more venomous when it came to characters who threatened to get between the bros. No matter the gender. As can be seen from the segment that tried to keep Misha from coming back. Were there destiel shippers who hated on Meg or Anna or others? Yes, but to a degree that is pretty typical across fandoms, especially in the 2000s. Not to the degree that they actually tried to launch a campaign to get any actors fired. Which, again, is what bronlies did to Misha.

In general I think it's incorrect to blame the fans for female characters being killed off. If the writers are committed to a character and a vision and it's working for them they can make it work for the audience too. The thing with Jo and Bela is that, to my understanding, their existence is the result of network notes to try to include more female characters, so Kripke was never super committed to them in the first place.

You point out why Hannah and Meg don't make sense as examples. Alona's role was in s2, and in s5 she was basically brought back in order to be killed off. Same thing with Sarah Blake, which is a useful counter example. She was also brought back to die. Since neither of them had a recurring role when they were killed off, it doesn’t make sense to blame shippers. Again, it's the writers deciding that the most useful thing a female character can do is die to further the main characters' motivation.

Few people liked Lisa at the time s6 aired, she was seen as boring and as detracting attention from the brothers.

I think there's a relationship between the sexism of the writers and the fans. When the writers don't care about characters and see them as fridging material, fans can pick up on it. And then fan hatred of the character is cited as an excuse to write them off. This is a simplification, I do think there are parts of spn fandom that are particularly toxic, but I also think it's true that fan opinion is never the only reason why writing choices are made.

[committingtothetbr]

The List.

Hi Everyone! After some demand, people would like to see the current TBR that I have in place for myself! For all the 63 books, we have a lot of different options. I kinda read everything haha (Please note that if I have the same series, I plan to read the series at least for the first book. If I like it, I will continue on.)

Icebreaker by Hannah Grace

Too Hot to Handle by Tessa Bailey

The Witch Collector by Charissa Weaks

Part of Your World by Abby Jimenez

Lightlark by Alex Aster

The Bone Shard Daughter by Andrea Stewart

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid

That Dark Infinity by Kate Pentecost

Book of Night by Holly Black

Sinner by Sierra Simone

If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio

Bite of Loyalty by R.L. Caulder

The City of Brass by S.A. Charkraborty

Furyborn by Claire Legrand

For the Wolf by Hannah Whitten

Where the Crawdad Sings by Delia Owens

The Poppy War by R.F. Kuang

In Five Years by Rebecca Serle

The Shadow Between Us by Tricia Levenseller

The Secret Life of Addie Larue by V.E. Schwab

Realm Breaker by Victoria Aveyard

Namesake by Adrienne Young

Bringing Down the Duke by Evie Dunmore

The Paper Palace by Miranda Cowley Heller

We Hunt the Flame by Hafsah Faizal

Soulmate Equation by Christina Lauren

The Beautiful by Renee Ahdieh

Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid

The Witch’s Heart by Genevieve Gornichec

Think Again by Adam Grant

These Twisted Bonds by Lexi Ryan

Kingdom of the Feared by Kerri Maniscalco

Once Upon a Broken Heart by Stephanie Garber

Beach Read by Emily Henry

The Chain by Adrian McKinty

King of Battle & Blood by Scarlett St. Clair

A River Enchanted by Rebecca Ross

Yinka, Where is your Husband? by Lizzie Damilolam Blackburn

The War of Two Queens by Jennifer L. Armentrout

A Darker Shade of Magiv by V.E. Schwab

The Bridge Kingdom by Danielle L. Jensen

The Bear and the Nightingale by Katherine Arden

The Traitor Queen by Danielle L. Jensen

The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin

Rhapsodic by Laura Thalassa

The Curse of Saints by Kate Dramis

A Soul of Ash & Blood by Jennifer L. Armentrout

Divine Rivals by Rebecca Ross

Vicious by V.E. Schwab

The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller

The Kiss of Deception by Mary E. Pearson

The Awakening by Nora Roberts

The Girl Who Could Move Shit With Her Mind by Jackson Ford

Deal with the Elf King by Elise Kova

Once More Upon a Time by Roshani Chokshi

The Duke & I by Julia Quinn

Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhao

Any recommendations on where to begin? I could use help!

[dear-indies]

hi!! could i please get some recs for a sophie nelisse family - parents, two older sisters, and a younger brother. i know this is a lot of recs to ask for so thank you so much in advance!!

Both blond/e and brunette suggestions!

Clancy Brown (1959)

Clint Howard (1959)

Kenneth Branagh (1960)

Kristin Scott Thomas (1960)

Daryl Hannah (1960)

Hugh Grant (1960)

Meg Ryan (1961)

David Foley (1963)

Laura Linney (1964)

Christopher Eccleston (1964)

Sarah Lancashire (1964)

Robin Wright (1966)

Nicole Kidman (1967)

Rhys Ifans (1967)

Anthony Michael Hall (1968)

Daniel Craig (1968)

Jeri Ryan (1968)

Naomi Watts (1968)

Jason Bateman (1969)

Michael Sheen (1969)

Peter Dinklage (1969) - has achondroplasia.

Elizabeth Mitchell (1970)

Melissa McCarthy (1970)

Heather Graham (1970)

Maxine Peake (1974) - is pro Palestine!

Sisters:

Loiza Lamers (1995) - is trans.

Hadley Robinson (1995)

Julia Schlaepfer (1995)

Jessie Mei Li (1995) Hongkonger / English - is a gender non-conforming woman who uses she/they, is pro Palestine!

Kristine Froseth (1995)

Sarah Dugdale (1995)

Lauren McQueen (1996)

Kayla Heller (1996) Indonesian / White.

Jeanne Goursaud (1996)

Mary Mouser (1996)

Sasha Pieterse (1996)

Grace Van Dien (1996) - is pro Palestine!

Thea Sofie Loch Naess (1996) - is pro Palestine!

Zara Larsson (1997) - is pro Palestine!

Elena Kampouris (1997)

Antonia Gentry (1997) Afro Jamaican / White.

Madeleine Arthur (1997)

Giorgia Whigham (1997)

Havana Rose Liu (1997) Chinese / White - is pansexual.

Ivanna Sakhno (1997)

Brother:

Morgan Davies (2001) - is trans.

Tom Taylor (2001)

Ed Oxenbould (2001)

Cooper van Grootel (2001)

Hope these are useful!

[blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk]

I've been having A Week but I finally get two days off ayyyyyy

so have some more character songs because I'm in my FEELINGS tonight?

Ash/Angela/The Angel: "Castles Crumbling" (Taylor Swift)

Alois: "Grave" (Chloe Adams)

Undertaker: "This City is a Graveyard" (Baby Storme) ... "Honesty" (Halsey) [unreleased]

Hannah: "Possession of a Weapon" (Ashnikko) [NSFW]

Doll/Freckles: "Mirrorball" (Taylor Swift)

Arthur: "Not Enough" (JJ Heller)

[ohc-and-the-music-tapes-archive]

Review of the Circulatory System’s show, Flagpole, 14 July 2004

[source]

transcript:

CIRCULATORY SYSTEM, THE LAY ALL OVER ITS Flicker Theatre & Bar Wednesday. June 30

I woke from a hard late afternoon sleep and a spy dream; spies that cling to the ceiling and under floorboards. It was blustery and I was to head to Flicker for "acoustic" Circulatory System. Good thing I got there in time, as the night would sell out. Even the outdoor seating was retracted. Even a woman who'd flown from Boston for just this concert was turned away I felt an out-of-season "Christmas Carol" window scene on my back as dozens of hopefuls did their best Tiny Tims, hoping to get a crumb off the feast inside. The dimly lit theatre lengthened my awake/ asleep fog as the opening act readied.

The Lay All Over Its were down from Chicago, with Jason Ajemian on double bass and vocals, and Nori Tanaka on drums. Ajemian plays in free- jazz trio Triage, though he’s no stranger to the rootsier approach; his Born Heller duo with Josephine Foster is a new kind of Americana, highly idiosyncratic with an eye towards the past. Tanaka, originally from Fukuoka, Japan, now calls Illinois home. He plays in various configurations with the likes of Jett Parker and Tatsu Aoki. demonstrating remarkable flexibility and spontaneous adaptations. And so it began. Washes of cymbals and toms and strumming and singing in perpetual motion arched like Gorecki's “Third.’ Harmonics, drones, displacement of rhythms, headbobbing throughout. Circular sheets of pulse modestly dispatched (from Tanaka's kit. from his heart

Taps to end, like the rain.

Then bowing—sad, multivoiced broken folk—beautiful, as drums entered again, but it took a while to notice their intermittent punctuations. More frenetic, this kind of heavy still had forward momentum with no obvious subdivisions. The audience was quiet. A major key explosion and the drums dropped out. It was a train what kept rollin’ in the brushes and a hard-formed triplets. Ajemian in his upper reaches sang what I couldn't understand—but didn't need to— overtop “No. no. no, no, no, no. no.' his intonation like on a Smithsonian Folkways recording. Patter of snare, scratch of bow. it sounded timeless. Plucked pointillist ghost notes, pizzicato expressionism, continue drum creating rapid call and response. Busy with high flourishes like Little Richard slowing and starting. Deep African groove book-ended by knotty swing jazz vamps to a sparer rat-a-tat percussion solo Drums front and center, just as they've been the whole way, though now we focus on the undercurrent. A chance to stretch, to fixate on cells of rhythmic exchange. Bass entry on cue in seamless integration. More raw singing, like a field song, and it stopped.

I was still that (good) groggy, maybe more so; my spy dream seemed reality as people may well have hung from the ratters and snuck through doorways, in expectation. (And I'd love to check out Circulatory System's record collections; the in-between band music was cool-headed.) We waited in this calm... Finally, with spare sustained tones, Will Hart sang “been such a long time" (if it had. all was forgiven) over a gentle propulsion. Julian Koster sawed away his echo chamber opera. This continued until drummers Hannah Jones and Derek Almstead kicked in with the big beat; it was Pink Floyd planetarium. King Crimson angularity and classic-rock catharsis as John Fernandes' bass clarinet bottomed out. Soon traditional instruments were traded for two pitchers of water, pouring from one to the other as Lay All Over Its’ Ajemian added high sparkle and low bow. There was even kissing of the microphone, close up.

On to Pete Erchick’s keyboard bass pulse and a big stadium sound, a nice slurry clarinet break all mellowed out in staccato rhythm through the changes, an expanded sense of time. As Hart chanted “one by one" all stopped and resumed together, an Arnold Dreyblatt insistence and calm. The System shifted from jazzy to straightforward rock and back. A living cross-fade to slow dirges into Beatles-disco speedup-hushed freakout. The last suite: a mid-tempo shuttle, a guitar and voice reduction, some trading bass. “Now is the only time." Easy waves as Fernandes walked backwards down the center aisle with some sort of noisemaker. I slept well, spies be damned.

Erik Hinds

[airenrts]

some reddit stuff

[tagesmosaik]

23 books for 2023

Thanks to @booksnpictures <3 I came up with my list of 23 books I plan to read in 2023. To be fair, I am more of a mood reader and I prefer to pick my next read according to that. So let’s see if I’ll get through it. Maybe it would be more appropriate to call the list something like 23 (or more) books that have been sitting on my shelf, patiently waiting for their time.

Anyway, here they are:

1. Deutsch – Karl-Heinz Göttert

2. Schnee – Orhan Pamuk (orig. Kar)

3. Die Überlebenden – Axel Schulman (orig. Överleverna) ✔️

4. In deinen Händen – Inês Pedrosa (orig. Nas Tuas Mãos)

5. Die Einsamkeit der Seevögel – Gøhril Gabrielsen (orig. Ankomst) ✔️

6. Ein kleines Buch vom Leben auf dem Land – Agnes Ravatn (orig. Verda er en skandale. Ei lita bok om livet på landet) ✔️

7. Die Kinder hören Pink Floyd – Alexander Gorkow

8. Goethe ruft an – John von Düffel

9. North of here – Laurel Saville

10.* Maya (orig. Maya) or Slottet i Pyrenæerne (orig. Slottet i Pyreneerne) or Der Geschichtenverkäufer (orig. Sirkusdirektørens datter) or Das Leben ist kurz (orig. Vita brevis) or Durch einen Spiegel, in einem dunklen Wort (orig. I et speil, i et gåte) or Das Kartengeheimnis (orig. Kabalmysteriet) – Jostein Gaarder

11. Hans Christian Andersen Kopenhagen – Ulrich Sonnenberg ✔️

12. The Heart Goes Last – Margaret Atwood

13. Der Meister und Margarita – Michail Bulgakow (orig. Master i Margarita)

14. Drachenläufer – Khaled Hosseini (orig. The Kite Runner)

15. Die rote Antilope – Henning Mankell (orig. Vindens son)

16. Das geheime Leben der Bäume – Peter Wohlleben

17. Zurück zur Realität – Werner Große

18.* Homo Deus. A Brief History of Tomorrow or 21 Lektionen für das 21. Jahrhundert (orig. 21 Lessons for the 21. Century) or Sapiens. Et kort historie om menneskeheden (orig. A Short History of Humankind) – Yuval Noah Harari

19. Kurze Antworten auf große Fragen – Stephen Hawking (orig. Brief Answers to the Big Questions)

20. Wie ich eines schönen Morgens im April das 100%ige Mädchen sah – Haruki Murakami

21. Das Leuchten der Rentiere – Ann-Helén Laestadius (orig. Stöld) ✔️

22. In Every Mirror She’s Black – Lola Akinmade Åkerström ✔️

23. Schloss aus Glas – Jeanette Walls (orig. The Glass Castle) ✔️

* I couldn’t decide which one to put on the list. All I know is that somehow I happened to accumulate this stack of books and that I really want to read more by those authors.

Not on✨the list✨:

- Hannahs Lied - Maren Uthaug (orig. Hvor der er fugle) ✔️

- Blackout Island - Sigríður Hagalín Björnsdóttir (orig. Eyland) ✔️

- Alte Sorten - Ewald Arenz ✔️

- Der Traum von einem Baum - Maja Lunde (orig. Drømmen om et tre) ✔️

- Kirmes im Kopf. Wie ich als Erwachsene herausfand, dass ich AD(H)S habe - Angelina Boerger ✔️

- Lektionen - Ian McEwan (orig. Lessons) ✔️

- Charlotte - David Foenkinos ✔️

- Piccola Sicilia - Daniel Speck ✔️

- Der Papierpalast - Miranda Cowley Heller (orig. The Paper Palace) ✔️

- Offene See - Benjamin Myers (orig. Open Sea) ✔️

- Fünf Viertel einer Orange - Joanne Harris (orig. Five-Quarters of the Orange) ✔️

- Hope Street - Campino ✔️

- Und so kam es - Maren Uthaug (orig. Og sådan blev det) ✔️

- Die Leuchtturmwärter - Emma Stonex (orig. The Lamplighters) ✔️

- Was man von hier aus sehen kann - Mariana Leky ✔️

- Die Birken wissen's noch - Lars Mytting (orig. Svøm med dem som drukner) ✔️

- Wintering. The power of rest and retreat in difficult times - Katherine May ✔️

- Während die Welt schlief - Susan Abulhawa (orig. Mornings in Jenin) ✔️

[nichenarratives]

Hurricane Heller 3

A Niche Narratives Fanficiton

last | first | next

[TW: Minor character death, depictions of violence, period typical antisemitism]

3. Personal Development

It's a clammy night in their terraced house, the worst kind of night. Mordecai, Esther and Rose have been sleeping, the girls still sharing a bed while he has moved into the loft room for privacy. It was far hotter in the rafters than his old room, but having personal space made up for it, beyond the fact you could hear every step on the hard wooden stairs, which often woke the lad early.

Tonight, he's woken not by footsteps or creaking boards, but a soft song, one he recognises. He lays there and listens to his mother's hushed singing for a few minutes, a tune she used to sing to him and Esther when they were afraid of the summer storms as kittens, almost dozing back off. At least, until his ear catches a struggling, rasping breath, a watery cough of phlegm, and a whimper. Hannah. 

Careful to be quiet, he creeps from his room and finds his sisters already peering through the banisters on the second floor. Esther glances at him, her eyes wet, then back down into the stairwell. Emerald eyes follow to where their mother sits on the bottom step in just her slip, rocking their infant sister to the rhythm of her song. Hannah looks tired, small hands pulled to her chest and eyes barely open, her breaths too shallow and face too pale, staring up at their mother.

As she finishes the song, she strokes Hannah's cheek with the back of her hand. "It's okay," their mother tells the baby, her voice cracking, a gentle sob as the infant's eyes flutter closed. "Rest now, oytserl. Your father is waiting to greet you."

Hannah would never open her eyes again. She dies three weeks before Mordecai's bar mitzvah. 

The young tom feels culpability for Hannah's death. Could it have been avoided if he'd been more proactive, demanding better wages earlier? Should he have gotten a paper route in addition to his profession, just to bolster the funds? While his mother sobs on the stairs, clutching her baby's body to her chest, Mordecai obsessively runs scenarios and calculations, trying to find something he could have done to save his sister from a slow and suffocating end.

He's near madness when Esther sits beside him on the bed and peers at his scribbled notes, all numbers, numerators and denominators that only made sense to their architect. She sniffles, wiped her nose on a sleeve, then simply leans against him. In his right mind, he'd recoil from her the second bodily fluids got involved, but in that moment, he leans into her warmth and finally lays down his pen, the two eldest children silent in their grief together.

Hannah is buried on Monday, two weeks later, the week of his Sabbath.

Mordecai has technically been a man, both in age in action, for months by the time then. While it isn't unusual in their congregation to delay the ceremony for a variety of reasons, his mother's was pure prudence; barely two years his junior and due her bat mitzvah less than six months later on her twelfth birthday, Esther's coming of age created the need for another ceremony and celebration they simply can't afford. It makes sense to combine the two events. 

While Esther is upset she won't get an entire celebration in her name come her birthday, Mordecai truly doesn't care; he's been accepting the consequences of his actions for two years, a religious ceremony won't change that. With barely the time to study Hebrew and practice his maftir section of the aliyah, he's participating almost solely for his traditional mother, who has been excitedly planning a shindig since he got his first paycheck.

Now it's Wednesday and he walks home in the early hours, prayer book in hand and those same few words flowing from pale lips, brows knit in deep concentration. He might not care for the ceremony, but he certainly won't make a fool of himself or his mother in the midst of it. This means every waking second he's not preoccupied with work or sleep, he's practicing, reciting or learning.

Perhaps if he weren't so exhausted from working eighteen hour days, cramming Hebrew classes into lunch hours and repeatedly reciting his maftir for the coming Sabbath, he'd have seen the punch coming. Even if he had seen it coming though, Mordecai is uncomfortably aware he wouldn't have been able to dodge or fight back anyway. He simply doesn't have experience with physical combat.

As luck and perhaps some awareness of his surroundings - a shift of feet and clack of loafers on cobbles that were not his own - would have it, he looks up just in time to avoid his nose taking the brunt of the uppercut. The fist connects with his muzzle instead, a brutal thump and searing pain through his lip, snapping his head back, taking Mordecai off his feet and abruptly onto his rear, the momentum bringing the back of his head down into the walkway with a crack.

Dazed and pained, Mordecai blinks up at the smoggy black sky sluggishly, arms splayed uselessly around by head. His mouth is on fire, his head feels like it exploded, and his back aches from the sudden fall onto hard stone.

Just as his thoughts begin to clear and the black spots fade from view, rough hangs grab his biceps and hoist him back to his feet, depositing him on unstable legs. All the movement makes his head throb and Mordecai squints at a fuzzy shape looming over him - only vaguely registering he's lost his glasses - before having his arms unceremoniously pulled behind his back empties his mind of logical thought and he hisses through grit teeth.

Every congregation has a story; aunt, uncle, sibling, parent, beaten and arrested for being Jewish in the wrong place, at the wrong time. The initial charges were always minor, often fabricated on the spot, but once you fell into the custody of the New York Police Department it would escalate to some federal crime the bigwigs wanted solved. A beloved family member, turned into a statistic, all for their beliefs.

But they were stories, weren't they? Mordecai never thought it would happen to anyone he knew, let alone himself. As he awaits the cold click of cuffs around his wrists and his rights - the few he's permitted - read aloud, he berates himself for walking around with a prayer book, as obviously as wearing a kippah beyond the synagogue doors.

A calloused hand snags his chin and forces him to focus on the man before him, even though Mordecai can only see an interesting mixture of poorly defined features by squinting at them. "Next time ya get some big ideas, you pass 'em on to me." Even through a headache, Jimbo's poorly enunciated English is recognisable. He then pinches the tom's chin so tight, Mordecai gasps. "Go over my head again, a fat lip'll be the least of your problems, kike."

A second later and he's shoved onto the cobbles along with his discarded prayer book, rough stone scratching up hands as they break his fall. Mordecai stays there a long moment, catching his breath and allowing his heart rate to slow down, palms stinging in time with his throbbing head. Tentatively, he brings the back of a hand to his mouth and wipes his lip, breath shaking as it comes away warm and wet, the black fur coated in a thin sheen of fresh blood.

It might not have been the police, but he's still shaking as he feels blindly around for his pince nez. Thankfully not broken, he places them back on, gathers up his books and gets to his feet. He doesn't go home though, too afraid they'll follow to enact further retribution, if they found his family. Instead, Mordecai shelters under the awning of a nearby communal building, knees pulled to his chest and tail curled around his calves, waiting for morning just to be sure his assailants have left.

There, after years of carefully masking his weaker emotions, alone with his thoughts and fears, the mask finally slips.

Once the tears start, it's difficult to stop them. Every tragedy and hardship he's endured in his lifetime - the sudden loss of his father, the slow decline of his sister, the house falling apart around them, the hatred and scorn simply for who he was born as and what his family believes, his very Jewish name - all of it floods out of his saturated adolescent body and soaks into his sleeves, right through to his fur beneath.

He feels as far from an adult as he's ever been then, lost in self pity and despair. By the time the tears dry up, the sun is peering through the fog as a new day dawns. Mordecai's lip has swollen up, the back of his head is matted with a thick clot of blood and his hands feel tight and painful to bend. It's a chore to make himself get up, but he does so knowing his mother would be beside herself with worry if he wasn't home when she got up to prepare breakfast.

Mordecai slips inside the house silently. Leaving his shoes in the hall, he makes straight for the bathroom at the rear of the first floor and gets to work disguising last night's attack; he suds up his head first, flinching as he kneads soap into the tender spot to wash away the blood and disinfect the cut at once. Once content the water is running clear, he pats the spot dry carefully, then turns his attention to his face.

The relatively small lip wound has swelled almost comically, creating a gumball-sized, raised bump on his lower lip. He's not going to be able to disguise or hide it, so he decides on a cover story instead; he tripped and went to the hospital, which took most of the night to process and discharge him with minor abrasions on his hands and face. Work paid, he'll say, to ease his mother's concerns, then avoid any additional questions until leaving for work.

With a story prepared and looking presentable, the adolescent cat gets ready for work once again, dressing, flattening his hair, affixing his tie. With the routine comes a sense of control, a return of his sensibilities and an irrational anger aimed primarily inwards; he chose to follow a dangerous line of work, and yet is woefully unprepared to deal with the unsavory characters with whom he interacts daily, as if they would act like normal, rational people.

Mordecai frowns at his reflection as he knots his tie, the motion slow and thoughtful. If anything happens to him, his entire family will suffer. Income vanished, his mother and sisters will have to fend for themselves, and he won't be there to prevent the worst from descending on them. It's an outcome he won't permit while he lives, and will make damn sure he's not going anywhere anytime soon.

With that logic in mind, he doesn't have to think twice; the tuxedo delays heading down for breakfast to open the top drawer of his desk and extract the family's only heirloom. A silver letter opener, the tip sharp enough to draw blood with the lightest of pressure, rarely used to preserve its keen edge. The tom removes it from the leather sheath and holds it up to inspect it in light, then tucks it into the inside breast pocket of his suit jacket.

I was fortunate such naivety wasn't my undoing. Glancing at his reflection one last time, Mordecai is pleased the cat that glares back doesn't appear scared. He tilts his chin up and adjusts his shirt cuffs, confidence restored. It will not happen again.

[bibliobethblog]

Happy New Year everyone! Here they are - my top 10 books of 2022, in no particular order. I’ve had a fantastic reading year, 260 books read which I can’t quite believe and the majority of them were absolutely brilliant. We have: Brickmakers- Selva Almada Love After Love - Ingrid Persaud The Mermaid Of Black Conch - Monique Roffey The Count Of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas Devotion - Hannah Kent How To Kill Your Family - Bella Mackie Mayflies - Andrew O’Hagan The Paper Palace - Miranda Cowley Heller Young Mungo - Douglas Stuart The Book Of Form & Emptiness - Ruth Ozeki I’d love to know your thoughts on my selection. It was tough! I’ve read a lot of great books this year and next Saturday I’ll be bringing you my 12 honourable mentions which were all five star reads but didn’t quite make my top ten. See you all in 2023! 🤗😘 #bookstagramuk #booksilovedreading #booksof2022📖 #brickmakers #selvaalmada💕 #loveafterlove #ingridpersaud #themermaidofblackconch #moniqueroffey #thecountofmontecristo #alexandredumas #devotion #hannahkent #howtokillyourfamily #bellamackie #mayflies #andrewohagan #thepaperpalace #mirandacowleyheller #youngmungo #douglasstuart #thebookofformandemptiness #ruthozeki📚#myfavouritebooks2022 https://www.instagram.com/p/Cm2HCklLiO2/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[nancylou444]

It looks like I got blocked by the newest person tagging Sam in their Destiel posts. I think it might have to do with me telling them I hope they enjoy Castiel's romances with Meg and Hannah.

Yes can't remind the hellers that the "gay" angel KISSED WOMEN IN THE SHOW.