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hyunjifilm · 18 days ago

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Stop this is made my cry and I love it

when we were us

„Come on, y/n. This is going to be an amazing night!“

Henri dragged you into the bar excitedly while searching the place for his friend Jackson.

You had been in the city for almost three months and your friend still had no idea of your innuendos with Jackson. You had not heard from him in weeks and would have loved to keep it that way, however Henri was persistent and dragged you to the party.

The place was packed with people, loud music and alcohol all over.

„Henri, I’m gonna go freshen up. I’ll find you in a minute“, you excused yourself to the bathroom.

Hands gripping the marble sink tightly, you took a deep breath and talked to yourself in the mirror.

„You’re going to get through this, y/n. Just be nice and talk to the others. It’s going to be okay.“

You made your way back to the bar and found them instantly: Henri was sitting next to J, and opposite of them was Jackson.

„Hey guys“, you greeted cheerfully and waved your hand.

„Whoa y/n, I haven’t seen you in forever! You look gorgeous!“, J chimed in.

You sat down next to Jackson and smiled, happy yet nervous to see your old pals.

Jackson turned his head and leaned over to you, smiling shyly: „So, how’s the city been treating you so far?“

You shuddered at his presence. His rich scent intoxicated you all over. You took a good look at him - he looked skinnier, paler, his hair got longer and lighter, he was wearing it in slight waves now. You wished you would be indifferent when looking at him, but parts of you still longed for his love.

„You know how it is“, you brushed him off swiftly and went to the bar.

Jackson nodded silently, jaw clenched and took a big gulp of his drink, understanding that you were done with him.

You tried your best to avoid him all night - you mingled with Henri and his other friends, met new people and took social breaks outside and it worked. Jackson didn’t cloud your mind most of the times, fortunately so.

„Guys, let’s head back to Jackson‘s place like last time. Remember your first night here, y/n?“, Henri cheered intoxicated yet happily.

You averted your gaze, not being able to look at Jackson. That night back then was the first time that you had hooked up - unintentionally but the attraction between the two of you was just too strong.

„Okay, let’s go“, Jackson got up and shooed you out of the bar.

You were trying to make up an excuse but before you could say anything Jackson whispered into your ear, making that decision for you.

„The night bus isn’t driving anymore, don’t even think about it.“

You found yourself squeezed in the back of a cab between J and Jackson, just like the last time. Only then you felt butterflies tumbling in your stomach whereas now your whole body felt tense. Quickly, you took a glimpse at Jackson‘s hands - they were curled into fists. Was he just as uncomfortable as you were?

The next hours were spent in his apartment, drinking and laughing, reminiscing about the old days and dreaming of future plans. You did your best to relax and overplay your nerves, and luckily no one noticed.

„Guys, I’m going to bed. Night!“, Henri declared as he got up and walked into Jackson‘s bedroom.

„Yeah, me too. This time I’ll sleep in there, too. Not making the same mistake twice with you out here“, J chuckled and followed Henri, closing the door behind him.

Once again, panic arose within you. You had done your best to avoid Jackson all night but now you had to sleep next to him, alone?

„You want my shirt?“, he asked calmly while holding out a fresh, black shirt for you.

You took it thankfully and changed before falling onto the mattresses he had arranged in his living room.

Jackson was lying next to you - you felt the heat radiating off his body. Every cell in you wanted to touch him but you knew it was wrong. You had been burned by him way too often.

Quickly, you turned around, your back to him and closed your eyes.

„Night, Jackson.“

A deep sigh escaped his lips, this whole ordeal was weighing heavily on him.

„You’re mad at me, aren’t you?“

You held your breath, unsure if you should reply.

„That’s why you’ve been avoiding me all night. Right?“

You chose to stay silent.

„Y/N.“

The plead in his voice was too much to bear, so you turned around and faced him.

„Yeah. I am.“

Jackson‘s eyes turned darker, filled with remorse and regret.

„I’m sorry, y/n.“

„What are you sorry for?“

„For hurting you“, he said softly.

„Yeah, whatever“, you turned around annoyed.

„No, y/n, really. I’m sorry for how it went down between you and me.“

All the anger, all the rage you had been swallowing the past weeks resurfaced and wanted to come out. Frantically, you turned around once more.

„Cut the BS, Jackson. I liked you. You know that I liked you and I wanted to get to know you more. But for you it was only about fucking the new foreigner or whatever. Was it fun leading me on? Getting my hopes up?“, you spat in frustration.

„It was never about fucking the new foreigner, y/n“, he declared calmly.

Jackson let out a deep sigh, trying to find the right words to make it up to you.

„I felt this immense attraction right from the beginning. I was so into you the moment I saw you in that bar. You may not have planned our first hookup that night but I had been fantasising about it ever since I laid eyes on you“, he explained for the first time.

„And after that I tried my best to stay away from you but I couldn’t. I mean look at you, how could I have resisted you? So I ended up at your place, sleeping with you again.“

Flashbacks of that night came into your mind - his hot lips on your neck, his big hands on your waist and his lean body over yours.

„But you heard me say that I couldn’t be with you. I did a whole soul striptease and told you how fucked up I am. I told you how every girl cheated on me and how that broke me. I told you to find someone else, y/n.“

You gulped as you remembered the night Jackson opened up about his love life. He even told you the story of his last girlfriend, the one he wanted to marry, but found out she was cheating on him while moaning someone else’s name during sex. You remembered clearly how little he felt when he let you in on his dark past.

If that had been the last interaction with him you would have understood. But it wasn’t.

„You told me to find someone new but every time we ran into each other you behaved like you wanted me, Jackson. Remember how you kept talking about taking me out on dates? Like every single time we met after you were imagining us going out, telling me about all the places you wanted to take me. Which you never did. Why did you say that shit in the first place?“

„Because I can’t resist you. When I’m with you I feel like I can trust you and trust in love and I want to touch you and kiss you and worship you in every way. I want to show you off and make sure that everyone knows that the greatest girl in the world is mine. But when I’m alone, when I come back to my senses I realise that this could never happen. I cannot give my heart to you, y/n. I can’t risk getting hurt again.“

A deep silence filled the room.

„I’m just too damaged for love, y/n.“

You were searching for the right words but got interrupted by his silent sniffles.

„Jackson, are you crying?“

He didn’t need to say anything since you already understood his being.

You opened your arms and embraced him, holding him tightly while he was crying.

„Do you know that you’re not even my type, Jackson? You’re not the one I normally go for however when I saw you, I felt this strong pull towards you. A very strong pull that I couldn’t deny. And I asked myself why was that? Why am I so attracted to this guy?“

You paused briefly.

„It’s because you feel like warmth. You feel like sunshine to me. And when we were at my place and you told me about your past and all the hurt I realised why I want you in the first place. Because you’re like me, Jackson.“

Jackson looked up at you with big eyes, not understanding what you were implying.

„You and I are very similar. We both got hurt badly and never got over it. And because of that we decided to build a protective shield around us, one that is super bubbly and positive. A shield that is so different from the real pain we feel on the inside. A shield that is so convincing that nobody would even dare to think we feel unhappy on the inside. And when I realised that you were doing the same as me I felt this strong connection towards you. Like I saw myself in you.“

It felt good to finally get that off your chest.

Jackson wiped away one of his tears before answering.

„Believe me or not but you are the first person to ever see that. See me“, he admitted.

„Really?“

He nodded silently.

„You and I are not similar though, y/n. You’re braver than me.“

Now you were the one looking at him puzzled.

„Am I?“

„Yeah. You didn’t shut your heart off to love. You’d still give it a go. But I can’t do that anymore. I can’t risk getting my heart broken anymore.“

Each word of his was filled with deep sadness, tearing at your heart.

„You know I can’t promise you to never break your heart. All I could promise is that I would have treated it with the most care in the world.“

Jackson nuzzled his head onto your chest and hugged you tightly, knowing that this would be the last time he’d ever get the chance to.

„I don’t know what kind of girls you dated in the past but you’re right, I didn’t give up on love. I think I would have been perfect for you. Loving, caring and kind. I’m not saying I’m the love of your life but you know…

I would have been glad to date someone like me. I sincerely think I’m a good catch.“

Jackson smiled, agreeing with every word.

„You are. And that’s why you won’t have any problem finding another guy. Someone that can love you the right way, y/n.“

„Yeah, you’re right“, you agreed. „But still I wanted it to be you“, you declared sadly while tightening your grip around him.

„I would have loved that, too…“

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