#haha sad poem now cry

[momentomorriee]

⟡ 𝐣𝐨𝐡𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐨𝐧: 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 🎻

realisation hits you like a train

you never realise when it’ll rain

dumped in fire, left to scorch

no one really cared, except a man

and what a man he was, not even second thoughts

he jumped without hesitation

i never knew

i never cared

i never saw

not even she saved me.

she who was supposed to care.

“in sickness and in health” they say.

they never saw who jumped in.

and now i stand, in front of it all

i realise who really was true..

since the fall.

- JW

(enjoy crying losers its 2024 and someone’s still wrting poems about a stupid show with two men and- *cries* )

[crackedstarpiece]

Writing number 6 haha I like this one. TRIGGER WARNING Sui**** concept. This is a heavy poem but I genuinely like it. Sorry my peom and writing are sad. I put my emotions and experiences into writing.

Won't Be Chiming In

Like a chopper my thoughts fire fully automatic

Always anxious just like shots, it fires fully automatic

Popping them prescriptions make me feel like I'm a fucken pill addict

Self inducing medic; serving my own doses till my mind is still and static

Climbing ladders, raising doses I can't ever seem to fucken drop em

I'm a drop right on the floor, these white pills make me really sleepy

Taking one more that's a risk; I might end up 6 feet under

Reaching out for help, Seems like people never fucken see me

I'm my own destruction left alone to go on with the living

In this life I never chose, struggling just to keep on eating

Eating all these bad vibes, struggling with it on my mental

It's getting really hard to battle, all this shit I face and handle

With my hand right on the handle, pull the trigger and I'll make it end though

They're around me lighting candles, Rest In Peace I couldn't manage

Now they sad and faceless, now I'm gone and lifeless

Sad to say I had die, for those I love to sit and cry

Scream my name out, but I won't chime

Scream my name out, but I won't chime

Scream my name out, but I won't chime

It's already past my time

You had the chance to change my mind

- End

Lmk what you think more to come!

[serial-serializednovelreader]

Nova's Notes - North and South Weekly - Chapter 5

In which Margaret has to make yet more decisions...

"'I ask Thee for a thoughtful love, Through constant watching wise, To meet the glad with joyful smiles, And to wipe the weeping eyes; And a heart at leisure from itself To soothe and sympathise.' Anon."

I feel like this poem embodies Margaret's hopes and prayers during this chapter: to not just be happy at the good times, but to also wash away the bad times and soothe others when needed. Unfortunately, we can't say the same for her parents.

"Margaret made a good listener to all her mother’s little plans for adding some small comforts to the lot of the poorest parishioners. She could not help listening, though each new project was a stab to her heart."

Speaking of, even though she's just had a very difficult conversation with her father, she still does her best to be a sympathizing ear for her mother...yet again. Though this time it's even more painful because her mother is talking of a future they can't have anymore. What's also interesting about this passage is that we get to see Mrs. Hale taking an active interest in the parishioners! I know before I said she didn't seem to care about the parishioners, but I'm so glad this proves me wrong!!! It's sad that Margaret has to hear this though :(

“'Oh, mamma, let us do all we can,' said Margaret eagerly, not seeing the prudential side of the question, only grasping at the idea that they were rendering such help for the last time; 'we may not be here long.' 'Do you feel ill, my darling?' asks Mrs. Hale, anxiously, misunderstanding Margaret’s hint of the uncertainty of their stay at Helstone. 'You look pale and tired. It is this soft, damp, unhealthy air.'”

Nooooo Mrs. Hale that's not what she means 😭😭😭😭 I can understand why she jumped to such an extreme conclusion, though. Especially because Mrs. Hale is an anxious person and there's not much room for outside interpretation (unless Mr. Hale was getting a promotion, but he would've told her that, right? Haha, about that...).

"To soothe her mother’s anxiety she submitted to a basin of gruel. She was lying languidly in bed when Mrs. Hale came up to make some last inquiries and kiss her before going to her own room for the night."

Her mom giving her a kiss goodnight :((( I love that we're getting to see a tender side to Mrs. Hale and how she cares for Margaret for once!! It's just sad we won't see this dynamic for long...

"That morning when she had looked out, her heart had danced at seeing the bright clear lights on the church tower, which foretold a fine and sunny day. This evening—sixteen hours at most had past by—she sat down, too full of sorrow to cry, but with a cold dull pain, which seemed to have pressed the youth and buoyancy out of her heart, never to return. Mr. Henry Lennox’s visit—his offer—was like a dream, a thing beside her actual life."

How much of a lifetime has passed between this morning and evening! And wow, you know it's bad when Lennox's offer seems like a dream -- a good one? -- at this point when she was feeling horribly sad and guilty about that just a few hours ago! It makes sense, though. I can understand why even something she associated with uncomfortable thoughts could seem like such a dream now -- because, beyond her own feelings, it didn't affect her livelihood. She was still able to be herself, albeit a little shaken. Now, though? Her entire worldview has been shaken. She feels like the very youth has been sucked out of her.

"She looked out upon the dark-grey lines of the church towers, square and straight in the centre of the view, cutting against the deep blue transparent depths beyond, into which she gazed, and felt that she might gaze for ever, seeing at every moment some farther distance, and yet no sign of God! It seemed to her at the moment, as if the earth was more utterly desolate than if girt in by an iron dome, behind which there might be the ineffaceable peace and glory of the Almighty: those never-ending depths of space, in their still serenity, were more mocking to her than any material bounds could be—shutting in the cries of earth’s sufferers, which now might ascend into that infinite splendour of vastness and be lost—lost for ever, before they reached His throne."

And now, like her father, she too is having doubts of faith. While we haven't seen her religious side, I believe this shows how much her father's doubts have caused her own. After all, I imagine much of Margaret's foundational knowledge of faith would've come from her father: if he "falters", what is she to do? I think this is also her version of coming to terms with her own grief. Looking out her window and seeing the same view is almost mocking to her now. I think it's much the same feeling as when you go through the loss of a loved one and are surprised/annoyed to find the world is spinning just fine and others around you are enjoying their day, as if they don't care about your own woes. As if your world wasn't shattered.

Her father, somehow sensing her mood, joins her and offers to say the Lord's Prayer. She does and thinks:

"God was there, close around them, hearing her father’s whispered words. Her father might be a heretic; but had not she, in her despairing doubts not five minutes before, shown herself a far more utter sceptic? She spoke not a word, but stole to bed after her father had left her, like a child ashamed of its fault. If the world was full of perplexing problems she would trust, and only ask to see the one step needful for the hour."

Again, we see Margaret using self-reflection to put her father's perspective in a light she can understand and, in turn, empathize with. While her wordage was harsh (unless he would be actually considered a heretic, which I couldn't find evidence for -- if he's in good standing with the church, I don't believe it's heresy, though I could be wrong). While I wish her father had given her more words of comfort and empathy, I guess it's good she's able to take a little comfort in this -- though she seems more guilty and ashamed than anything.

"Mr. Lennox—his visit, his proposal—the remembrance of which had been so rudely pushed aside by the subsequent events of the day—haunted her dreams that night. He was climbing up some tree of fabulous height to reach the branch whereon was slung her bonnet: he was falling and she was struggling to save him, but held back by some invisible powerful hand. He was dead. And yet, with a shifting of the scene, she was once more in the Harley Street drawing-room, talking to him as of old, and still with a consciousness all the time that she had seen him killed by that terrible fall."

Oh no!!! A product of her anxious mind, this dream indicates to me that she feels that things are unresolved with Henry (which they obviously are, they did not depart on great terms). I got a lot of symbolism from this one! Henry being in a tall tree trying to reach her bonnet represents his feelings and the lengths he will go to in order to show her how much he cares. Perhaps this is something he did for her before, but now she remembers it in a new light -- and in this dream, it's more exaggerated -- because she knows there was a motive she didn't know of behind the action. But then, something new happens: he falls. This could represent the proposal itself or -- more likely -- just her anxiety of something happening to him before they can resolve their conflict. She wants to help, but an invisible force keeps her back: her own doubts/inability to accept the proposal, or just the usual paralysis in a dream. And then...he's dead. She couldn't save him. I can see this representing the death of the "old" Henry -- the one she was friends with, without the pressure or stress of knowing his feelings. Or, again, it could simply represent her inner worry something will happen to him before they can go back to their friendship.

Suddenly, she's with him again in Harley Street (a familiar setting, before she knew the anxieties of her family) and they're chatting like old times again. However, in the back of her mind, she's still thinking about his death that she just witnessed. If we take my proposal interpretation of the dream, I think this could symbolize her thinking ahead to the future, where she'll have to talk with Henry again (if she's able to visit London/Harley Street), but always thinking of the fact she refused his proposal while being unable to acknowledge it. This is made more likely by Henry doing just that (acting as if he didn't propose to her and all was normal) that same day, right after she rejected him!

Needless to say, she is not refreshed the next morning and she is not encouraged at breakfast. Mr. Hale announces his plans for the day. She knows what this means:

"By seven the announcement must be made to her mother. Mr. Hale would have delayed making it, but Margaret was of different stuff. She could not bear the impending weight on her mind all day long: better get the worst over; the day would be too short to comfort her mother."

I love to see this contrast between her and her father!!! I also love Gaskell for creating a character who doesn't delay bad news in a sea of procrastinator characters (I say, making this post almost a week late. No hate to procrastinators, but I still stand by this!). :D

"Her eye caught on a bee entering a deep-belled flower: when that bee flew forth with his spoil she would begin—that should be the sign. Out he came."

I love that she does this to make herself tell her mother. It gives us a taste of how hard this is for her -- and is also relatable. I've done something similar before to start a difficult conversation.

Sh breaks the news in the most blunt way possible. Mrs. Hale denies it at first, asking where she's gotten this impression:

“'Papa himself,' said Margaret, longing to say something gentle and consoling, but literally not knowing how."

Oh, Margaret 😭😭😭😭 I can't help but see this in a neurodivergent lens. She wants to be the comforting presence her mother needs, but in this, she can't: she's too blunt. NDs often come across as "blunt" and have difficulty expressing their emotions in a way that is expected of them. This especially comes into play when trying to comfort someone...it can often come across as "unsympathetic" or "rude" when it's usually a matter of being unable to express the emotion or not feeling it in the moment, not an intentional act of malice (as some may think). I appreciate that Gaskell notes this as Margaret not knowing how to express comfort to her mother rather than just noting she was blunt in her expression!

“'I don’t think it can be true,' said Mrs. Hale, at length. 'He would surely have told me before it came to this.' It came strongly upon Margaret’s mind that her mother ought to have been told: that whatever her faults of discontent and repining might have been, it was an error in her father to have left her to learn his change of opinion, and his approaching change of life, from her better-informed child. Margaret sat down by her mother, and took her unresisting head on her breast, bending her own soft cheeks down caressingly to touch her face."

Ouch. Yes, he should have told you about it, Mrs. Hale, and the fact that she thinks that tells me she wanted her husband to come to her about these concerns. She believed in the foundation of their marriage. I imagine that foundation is a little shaken now.

Margaret is thinking exactly what I've been saying!!! Couldn't have said it better myself (though I suppose I tried lol). I also love that since Margaret can't offer verbal comfort to her mother -- at first -- she offers her comfort through physical touch.

Throughout the rest of this difficult conversation, I notice that Margaret does whatever she can to both ease her mother’s worries and attempt to put her father in the best light: neither task is easy, but I think she is able to guide the conversation in the way she wants fairly successfully. However, her mother is steadfast that Milton will be worse for them than Helstone ever was — not a promising start. Margaret is glad her mother is focusing on anxieties of the future rather than her father’s coverup. Especially ones Margaret can help on.

To me, this whole conversation shows that Margaret is very in-tune with her mother. She knows how to navigate the pitfalls of her worries and what to say to mitigate them into other worries. We know that her mother always needs something to worry about, so Margaret is good at steering her towards thoughts of what their future will look like. While this doesn’t quite cover up what her father did, it’s better — for now — for Mrs. Hale to be more worried about furniture removal plans (which Margaret can step in on) rather than fixating on why her husband wouldn’t have told her about his doubts sooner (which she said she would’ve “nipped in the bud�� — both Margaret and I don’t find this encouraging, and I doubt Margaret can give much clarity as to why Mr. Hale covered this up without added distress). The fact that Margaret feels so much relief afterwards tells me that her mother can be unpredictable, so she wasn’t quite sure if she would be able to soothe her anxieties in the way she had hoped for.

“Throughout the day Margaret never left her mother; bending her whole soul to sympathise in all the various turns her feelings took; towards evening especially, as she became more and more anxious that her father should find a soothing welcome home awaiting him, after his return from his day of fatigue and distress. She dwelt upon what he must have borne in secret for long; her mother only replied coldly that he ought to have told her, and that then at any rate he would have had an adviser to give him counsel; and Margaret turned faint at heart when she heard her father’s step in the hall. She dared not go to meet him, and tell him what she had done all day, for fear of her mother’s jealous annoyance.”

Yikes! This sounds like a very emotionally draining day for Margaret and a very stressful wait for her father. Again, her being the mediator between these two is not a healthy dynamic and I feel for her being caught in the middle.

“Presently he opened the room-door, and stood there uncertain whether to come in. His face was gray and pale; he had a timid fearful look in his eyes; something almost pitiful to see in a man’s face; but that look of despondent uncertainty, of mental and bodily languor, touched his wife’s heart. She went to him, and threw herself on his breast, crying out:—

“‘Oh! Richard, Richard, you should have told me sooner!’

“And then, in tears, Margaret left her, as she rushed up stairs to throw herself on her bed, and hide her face in the pillows to stifle the hysteric sobs that would force their way out at last, after the rigid self-control of the whole day.”

A happy (or, at least, an emotional) resolution for the married couple, after all! It is actually good to see Mrs. Hale moved by her husband’s expression. We’ve heard she married for love, but now we get to see it.

However, it’s not so easy for Margaret. She’s had to keep in her emotions all day and be a caregiver. She knows now that she needs to leave her parents to their own devices (finally, they’re communicating!!!) and in turn, she can be alone to let her emotions out. I can only imagine what it’s like to have held in tears for that long, and it’s no wonder Gaskell uses the word “hysteric” to describe the sobs she releases after all that time kept in. I don’t know how many times I’m going to keep saying it this chapter, but poor Margaret!!! Playing the role of caregiver is hard, especially when you’re not accustomed to it and you’re not supposed to be in that role in the first place. :(

A housemaid alerts Dixon to Margaret’s crying, which….I have mixed feelings about. The maid is worried about her catching an illness, which I’m fairly sure was an actual concern at the time, but like — let her cry??? She’s had a bad day :/

So Dixon comes in and Margaret has to act as if she’s been asleep rather than crying…

“‘I’m sure I don’t know what is to become of us all. When Charlotte told me just now you were sobbing, Miss Hale, I thought, no wonder, poor thing! And master thinking of turning Dissenter at his time of life, when, if it is not to be said he’s done well in the Church, he’s not done badly after all. I had a cousin, miss, who turned Methodist preacher after he was fifty years of age, and a tailor all his life; but then he had never been able to make a pair of trousers to fit, for as long as he had been in the trade, so it was no wonder; but for master! as I said to missus, ‘What would poor Sir John have said? he never liked your marrying Mr. Hale, but if he could have known it would have come to this, he would have sworn worse oaths than ever, if that was possible!’’”

Ooooh, ok, that’s not good. Dixon, learn to know your audience! She even said such things to Mrs. Hale?? Is this the best time to pull “I told you so”s about the marriage?? I also noticed that Mrs. Hale sometimes just…straight up tunes Dixon out if she’s not in the humor to listen to her rants about Mr. Hale:

“Dixon had been so much accustomed to comment upon Mr. Hale’s proceedings to her mistress (who listened to her, or not, as she was in the humour)”

This tells me that she doesn’t always listen to Dixon either — which is good! She shouldn’t! Unless a partner is straight up doing terrible things or is horrible to you, listening to people like Dixon can poison a marriage -- even though she comes from a place of love and compassion for Mrs. Hale. That’s the funny thing — I may not agree with these characters' methods, but as to their motivations — I think they all have had good intentions so far. That's what makes this book so compelling However, in this instance, there’s a time and place to voice your concerns and Dixon is not picking the right time and place.

“‘Dixon,’ she said, in the low tone she always used when much excited, which had a sound in it as of some distant turmoil, or threatening storm breaking far away. ‘Dixon! you forget to whom you are speaking.’ She stood upright and firm on her feet now, confronting the waiting-maid, and fixing her with her steady discerning eye. ‘I am Mr. Hale’s daughter. Go! You have made a strange mistake, and one that I am sure your own good feeling will make you sorry for when you think about it.’”

And here we see Margaret pushed to her limit and…it’s really cool to see! She may not do this for herself, but for her family? Yep, that’s her at her haughtiest and most authoritative. I honestly can’t even blame her! If someone was talking crap about my dad, even if it had some truth to it, I would also do a set down like this, though I hate conflict. Thinking about it, I wonder if she would do the same to all of us if she knew we were also saying things about her dad’s actions that were perhaps not putting him in the best light….hm.

My honest reaction if Margaret set me down:

For real, though, there is something to be said about the dynamic between Margaret and Dixon. Dixon is a servant in Margaret’s home and this creates an obvious power imbalance, as there is a class gap between the two. On the other side of it, Dixon is paid a wage and is an employee of the Hale household. It’s a pretty clear unspoken rule that you don’t take smack about your boss, especially to said boss’s daughter while you’re on duty and if that person is close to them. It’s made pretty clear that Dixon knows not to do this kind of thing in front of Margaret because she knows how close the two of them are: she was just still in “I’m talking to Mrs. Hale” mode.

So, who’s in the “right” here? I want to lean towards Margaret — as she’s the protagonist, she’s had a hard day, and I can’t blame her for defending her family — but her initial thought when Dixon spoke out is she couldn't believe the audacity of a “servant” speaking to her like that. I think if she were to set someone down a similar if there were of a higher rank, that would be fine, but only a servant? That’s when the waters start to become murky: in my opinion, at least. I believe part of her arc will be treating the working class better, so I hope to see this improve! In the meantime, Dixon also needs to improve her attitude towards Mr. Hale, because it is also something that is not helping anyone in the household, especially not in this situation. Plus, there’s also the fact that some of this anger against Mr. Hale isn’t just out of love for Mrs. Hale: it’s also just a grudge against Mr. Hale for being less wealthy than she wanted him to be. So, that kind of motivation isn’t entirely selfless either.

“From henceforth Dixon obeyed and admired Margaret. She said it was because she was so like poor Master Frederick; but the truth was, that Dixon, as do many others, liked to feel herself ruled by a powerful and decided nature.”

Does she like to be ruled, or has that just been her conditioning as a servant? It is interesting that standing up to Dixon caused her to admire Margaret rather than resent her, only because she did it so absolutely and with such authority. I do know there are some people who respect you more if you stand up to them and it might just be a case of that — so I guess it’s that!

“A fortnight was a very short time to make arrangements for so serious a removal; as Dixon said, ‘Anyone but a gentleman—indeed almost any other gentleman—‘ but catching a look at Margaret’s straight, stern brow just here, she coughed the remainder of the sentence away, and meekly took the horehound drop that Margaret offered her, to stop the ‘little tickling at my chest, miss.’ But almost any one but Mr. Hale would have had practical knowledge enough to see, that in so short a time it would be difficult to fix on any house in Milton-Northern, or indeed elsewhere, to which they could remove the furniture that had of necessity been taken out of Helstone Vicarage.”

It is a little funny to see the visual of Dixon trying to disparage Mr. Hale’s life choices, Margaret hitting her with a glare, and Dixon trying to “cough” it off. However, Dixon — while saying it the wrong way — is right. The narrative even confirms she’s right. Mr. Hale giving them a fortnight to move to a whole new town is an almost impossible task! If he had told everyone sooner….

Again the issue is raised: should Dixon be allowed to complain about Mr. Hale? In private, sure. After all, as an employee/servant, Dixon has to bear some of the responsibility and consequences of Mr. Hale’s choice (which is mainly taking care of Mrs. Hale, who is sick with stress). It’s fair to be a bit grumbly about having to pack up an entire household in two weeks!

The problem is, Dixon has to be around someone she can’t complain to, something she is unused to. So, she keeps her silence, almost using it as a tool of “affront” towards Margaret — though I doubt Margaret takes notice or minds much. If she’s willing to give Margaret a “cold shoulder” treatment, this tells me that Dixon is not worried about losing her place in the household. While Margaret is coming into her own and an authority of the household, I don’t think Dixon feels threatened to be fired by Margaret.

And on Margaret’s side, silencing uncomfortable truths you don’t want to hear (while, yes, said in a slanderous way), is not the most healthy thing for her here. She needs to acknowledge that her dad is making a choice that has consequences, and those who have to deal with those consequences should have the right to complain (at least, I think so). Just because someone is a servant doesn’t mean they don’t have valid complaints.

In her defense, though, that’s also her dad Dixon is insulting and she is insulting him here. Her reasoning for silencing the complaints could also be a) lowering the general dissent in the household (which is valid) b) avoiding further distress of her parents (who could be in the vicinity) c) wanting to relieve her own stress (listening to others complain is exhausting) and d) she knows complaining will solve nothing (and if she could stop her mother’s complaining, she probably would!).

If any of the above reasons were nailed down as to why she silences Dixon here, I would probably just go “girlboss!!! What a queen!!!”, but I still can’t get the whole “audacity of that servant!” thing out of my head and I think it needs to be acknowledged again. Still, I can’t blame her for wanting to set someone down for insulting her father. In other words, like everything in this book, it’s nuanced.

“So many arrangements depended on this precision that Margaret resolved to ask her father one evening, in spite of his evident fatigue and low spirits. He answered:

“‘My dear! I have really had too much to think about to settle this. What does your mother say? What does she wish? Poor Maria!’”

?????????????????? Mr. Hale….you can’t…you can’t just pull a “I’m too busy” here. Like??? Take some responsibility for your actions, man!!!

And then he gets upset when he learns that Mrs. Hale is sick from stress! Like, yeah, that’s bad…but what else did he expect springing this on her at the last possible minute, only giving her two weeks to leave their home of twenty(?) years? And now, his daughter — who is trying to plan this ENTIRE move because he’s currently just saying goodbye to everyone and seeming to not do much to help — asks him for help, and all he can say is, “I can’t think about that right now”? I’d be SO pissed!!!!!

Mr. Hale right now:

See, I have trouble feeling sympathy for him when he does things like this. He hasn’t even found a house for them to live in yet!!!!! What kind of fathe—*gets tackled by Margaret*

I regret nothing.

Anyway…

“Now, since that day when Mr. Lennox came, and startled her into a decision, every day brought some question, momentous to her, and to those whom she loved, to be settled.”

As the old adage goes, “when it rains, it pours.” Doesn’t it always seem like one life-changing event triggers off a series of others? If Margaret was allowed to pass this weight on to her parents, this wouldn’t be such an issue, but the fact of the matter is that she’s forced to bear the brunt of this responsibility all on her own — and that’s tough!!! I wonder if she imagines Mr. Lennox’s offer changing their circumstances any: it wouldn’t have, likely. As many of you have pointed out, he himself is struggling and was honestly relying on her to be the rich one in the relationship — so I highly doubt it. Honestly, this might have made this whole thing harder if she had accepted his offer, because then she would’ve had to explain them moving and the reason behind it…I don’t know if that would’ve gone well. Still, inwardly she may have wondered if she has doomed her family by refusing to marry him, though I hope not!

"'I have hit upon such a beautiful plan. Look here—in Darkshire, hardly the breadth of my finger from Milton, is Heston, which I have often heard of from people living in the north as such a pleasant little bathing-place. Now, don’t you think we could get mamma there with Dixon, while you and I go and look at houses, and get one all ready for her in Milton? She would get a breath of sea air to set her up for the winter, and be spared all the fatigue, and Dixon would enjoy taking care of her.'”

Another great idea from the problem-solving queen!!!! This is probably the only way this move can work, if we're honest. Heston has good air and allows for Mrs. Hale's comfort. Plus, it gives them the time they need to find a home. It's genuinely a good plan!

“'Is Dixon to go with us?' asked Mr. Hale, in a kind of helpless dismay. “'Oh, yes!” said Margaret. 'Dixon quite intends it, and I don’t know what mamma would do without her.' “'But we shall have to put up with a very different way of living, I am afraid. Everything is so much dearer in a town. I doubt if Dixon can make herself comfortable. To tell you the truth, Margaret, I sometimes feel as if that woman gave herself airs.' “'To be sure she does, papa,' replied Margaret; 'and if she has to put up with a different style of living, we shall have to put up with her airs, which will be worse. But she really loves us all, and would be miserable to leave us, I am sure—especially in this change; so, for mamma’s sake, and for the sake of her faithfulness, I do think she must go.' “'Very well, my dear. Go on. I am resigned.'"

LOLLLLLL, ok, I have to admit Mr. Hale pulling a whiny "do we haaaaaveee to" about bringing Dixon is pretty funny. I can't totally blame him -- would you want the servant that constantly bad mouths you to go on this trip AND be left alone with your wife to bad mouth you some more?

However, let's get serious here. Um, yes!!! Of course they're bringing Dixon and here's why (other than just what Margaret says):

Mrs. Hale doesn't need any more change in her life -- look at how stressed she already is. How much more stressed do you think she will be if Dixon -- her maid of so many years -- is forced to stay behind?

Someone needs to take care of Mrs. Hale. Dixon is the obvious choice. While Dixon disses Mr. Hale like there's no tomorrow, she is so loyal to Mrs. Hale it's not even funny! And, this is important to note, Margaret could stay behind with her mother -- in theory -- but considering the fact that Mr. Hale won't even decide something as simple as where to move furniture, I doubt he would be able to decide on a home. Margaret no longer trusts him to make big decisions in their lives -- she's determined now to be a part of the process. That's not a great look for Mr. Hale.

Experience. Who knows if the other maids know how to handle a move? We know Dixon does, because she did so once before: when Mrs. Hale was married. It might not be a super big difference, but it's good to have someone who can adjust to this kind of change fast.

Considering Mr. Hale hasn't been around to make decisions, should he even get a say on wether Dixon comes along or not? Technically, he does, as head of the household, but in my heart...NOPE. He lost his chance on decisions a while ago. Either step up, or step out of the way.

I also love that Margaret stands up for Dixon and confirms she loves the family! They may be at odds, but she is still a part of them.

Mr. Hale asks how far Heston is from Milton and she replies it's thirty miles -- not far! Mr. Hale starts to reply that it's not far in miles, but fair in....something (he cuts himself off). This indicates to me that he's going to miss his wife!! Which is super sweet! I won't even pull a "consequences of action" thing...this time. Count yourself lucky, Mr. Hale.

"And now Mrs. Hale could rouse herself from her languor, and forget her real suffering in thinking of the pleasure and the delight of going to the sea-side. Her only regret was that Mr. Hale could not be with her all the fortnight she was to be there, as he had been for a whole fortnight once, when they were engaged, and she was staying with Sir John and Lady Beresford at Torquay."

Awww, Mrs. Hale feels the same way!!! Also very sweet. It's sad they have to be separated, but that's the way it has to be for a while. I also think it's sweet that this makes her think of their engagement days: maybe that will help in the days to come.

That's all for this chapter: excited to see what happens tomorrow!

[twistedwonderlandobsession]

Hello!! Could I request a match up? :)

I am non binary and use she/they pronouns; I am about 1,65 meters tall (I believe that’s 5‘5 feet?) with long, layered blond hair, very pale skin (like seriously, I am very close to paper white) and greyish-blueish eyes (like a stereotypical German hahaha)

Personality wise, I am ambivert; I absolutely adore Partys, especially village party’s, they hit different, and to hang out with friends a lot, but need an equal amount of alone time to recharge! I tend to usually have a lot of energy, despite always being really tired, and can get easily exited about the littlest things (like seeing a cat, or a store having my favourite snack in shop!) but I’ll admit that I’ll cry just as easily, even over stuff like a sad Poem or seeing a character, even if I don’t necessarily like them, suffer even in the slightest. I try to be the best version of myself that I can be, but I live by two very specific rules: treat others how you want to be treated, and treat others how they treat you. I will treat everybody with kindness and respect when first meeting, if they don’t return the favor, I’ll treat them exactly how they treat me (this includes teachers and old people). I am also very ambitious, I already have my future planned, and do my best to be good in school! I’m not the best with written exams but I always have an A for anything oral :)

I do have depression, because of which I struggle to properly take care of myself, and have days were I cannot even leave my bed, and it makes it hard for me to stay on top of things; my room is almost always a mess and I often have to do homework and similar last minute to avoid my grates falling. It’s not that I enjoy my room being a mess, in fact I hate it, but I am genuinely physically unable to clean it. Because of that, there are days where I’ll cancel last minute or I’ll act down the whole time, because of an especially bad episode; i also have trouble texting people first in fear of annoying them. I almost forgot, I also have insomnia because of it :,)

I also have highly suspected autism(can’t get diagnosed at the moment :[) so I’m very peculiar about my interests and the way stuff is; I hate doing group works because I already have a whole plan in my head on how I wanna do it. While I understand basic sarcasm and jokes, if I’m jokingly insulted or the sarcasm isn’t really obvious, I’ll take it seriously and to heart, and it can make me cry and/or avoid that person. This also means that I can go for hours talking about my interest, but the moment something doesn’t necessarily interest me and I don’t view it as important (like my Spanish lessons) i will just zone out

Hobby’s wise I’m a very creative person! I do paint occasionally, but it isn’t necessarily my hobby of choice;

I love to write! I currently have two books I’m working on, both thriller, that I’ll tell anyone that will listen about

I love acting and dancing: I’ve been apart of a musical group for quite a while now and ADORE it, especially acting!! Can’t say I’m much of a singer tho

Fashion design, I love designing and sewing my own clothes! So far I only know the basics but I am actively trying to learn more!!

Later in life I do want to do one of these full time; wether it is being an actress, an author or a designer doesn’t matter to me.

For icks, I cannot for the live of me be with someone who smokes; I have sensory issues and am sensitive to smells, not to mention I have already lost multiple people to smoking, so it’s an absolute deal breaker. I’m ok with drinking, I drink too, just not excessively

I need someone who is openly affectionate with me, wether through touch or words, and is okay with me being physically affectionate!

Also, please no Lillia, that man is a father figure to me haha

I think that’s it- thanks in advance and sorry for how long this got!!

I match you with Cater Diamond

The First Impression:

Honestly, Carter thought that you were cute your general enthusiasm about even the smallest of things made you super enjoyable.

Why He Fell:

Cater didn't fall for a while, trust, no matter how open or friendly this ginger may appear, there was always a distance he put between everyone. Even the closest of friends weren't all that close to him, knowing next to nothing about his childhood or upbringing. Though you had somehow managed to get beyond all that.

It was your kindness and respect for his boundaries that caused him to fall. Seriously. All of his life, the people around him (aka his sisters) have always forced their interests, likes, lifestyle and more onto him, pushing his boundaries and forcing him to do stuff he didn't want to do so to meet someone who one of their main goals was specifically respecting people was....nice

The Relationship:

When Cater had asked you out he had presented it in a playful lighthearted joking way to mask his way too deep feelings for you- after all how embarrassing would that be if he gave you his heart and soul aka actually expressed his feelings and you said no.

...but apparently you had said yes.

So now here you were, and Cater made sure to make it enjoyable. Constantly sending you magicgram videos of cute couple activities, ans surprisingly, he actually took you to places and did activities with you. The eye color bracelet trend, making cute little pottery together, painting, taking you to the latest trendiest restaurants and cafes on dates, study dates, movie nights, self care nights all the cute couple stuff. He totally gets it when your depression starts acting up and dose his best to help, having self care nights were he will convince you to take a bath with the cutest bath bombs ge you a change of clothes and a towl before gently shoving you into the bathroom and locking the door refusing to let you out till you shower or bathe. Don't think he was just sitting around waiting- oh no. He was cleaning your room for you hoping that it would help you feel better when you get out. Once you came out till fully dressed he sat you down drying your hair and doing your whole skincare routine for you. If you ever are feeling down and don't care for yourself properly cay-cay has you covered.

He loves all your hobbies and would love it if you allow him to watch or do it with you. He is also very encouraging of whatever you want to do as a hobby or a career-

In the beginning of the relationship, he treated it very casually in the "may as well enjoy it while it lasts before they eventually leave" but the further it went and the more time you spent together he was slowly becoming more hopeful and open at the idea of this being a permanent arrangement.

[sadstarsz]

you'd be home now (by kathleen glasgow) book review!!

first paragraph is a short and sweet review for people wondering if they should read it or not :)

no spoilers in this paragraph

the book is about a girl named emory who was in a car accident with her older brother (joey), his friend (luther) and a girl from school named candy, candy unfortunately dies in the accident. joey is a drug addict and spends time in a rehab; the rest of the book is about emory and joey's life from when he gets home. i really enjoyed this book, i think the characters were super well-written, the plot was interesting and overall it was an amazing book. it genuinely made me cry like no other book has done before. i seriously recommend it for anyone who likes sad books about addiction and mental health! kathleen glasgow (the author) is an amazing author and if you're not interested in this book i'd suggest at least checking out some of her other stories!!

spoilers ahead !!

this book is probably one of my favourites if not my favourite book at the moment, it was so so beautiful. the language kathleen used was amazing and there are so many quotes from the book that i adore. 'how glorious it is to drown' being one of my favourite quotes in particular. i also really loved the poem emory recited on the stage, that made me SOB.

i personally found emory's character quire relatable too and she is just a really well-written character in general. i also have a brother who i feel as though gets all of the attention and is a bit of a 'problem' child. (he isn't really alike joey though, he's only 10 haha) i feel like an invisible girl, im quiet (unless im comfortable with you), i like poetry and i have an 'excellent' taste in cardigans (i hope i do anyways) as daniel wankel would say. i giggled when i read his name. do americans know what wank means? if daniel wankel went to a british secondary school he would absolutely NOT survive. i really liked daniel though, he was perfect for emory. WAY better than gage.

anyways, i could write an essay on this but i won't bore you with that. it was just overall a really amazing book that i 1000% recommend.

5/5 stars, 10/10 you know what i mean.

should i do book reviews more often? i liked doing this.

[golbrocklovely]

since fob just came out with a new album, i figured i would give you my reaction to it

does anyone care? probably not lol

feel free to read and if not, whatever haha

Love From the Other Side

10/10 love this song, loved it since it came out. this is EXACTLY what i have needed.

Favorite Lyric: I'd never go, I just want to be invited

2. Heartbreak Feels So Good

i know this song came out before the album, but i never got around to listening to it. so this is my first time hearing it.

it was pretty good song for the most part. the lyrics are a little meh, but i do like the "heartbreak feels so GOOD" part. vocals on point as usual. kinda zoned out at one point lol

Favorite Lyric: We'll cry later or cry now, but baby / Heartbreak feels so good

3. Hold Me Like a Grudge

omg… i love this??? so fucking much????????

it has such a good bassline, such a good song to groove to. i think patrick's vocals get a little bit lost in the music, but it still sounds really good. i love the lyrics. i wasn't sure what to expect with this song but i genuinely loved it the entire time i listened to it.

Favorite Lyric: Part-time soulmate, full-time problem / Hold me like a grudge

4. Fake Out

heard the first chords of this song and i was like 'oh, this is gonna be a sad one' and i was right.

the lyrics are such a gut punch. if you're someone like me who kinda lives in fantasy and daydreams to get by, this song hurts a lot. this song reminds me of a lot of a paramore's song - super upbeat but lyrically melancoly. i love it and it almost made me cry.

correction, i was looking over the lyrics for one i liked the most, and i started crying. so… thanks fob.

Favorite Lyric: We did it for futures that never came / And for pasts that we're never gonna change (but honestly there are so many in this song i could have picked any of them)

5. Heaven, Iowa

in the first half of the song, i was like ehh, idk. it was reading like a phil collins song or just like pure 80s, and i was kinda on the fence about it.

but the chorus. omg the chorus. patrick…. THEM VOCALS. seriously he is so good.

i like the lyrics a lot. the ending was fantasic.

Favorite Lyric: Talking to the mirror say, "Save your breath / Half your life you've been hooked on death"

6. So Good Right Now

love the general vibe of this song - upbeat but everything crashing and burning around me. that's me everyday lol

i think the lyrics are so personal in this song. i think we can all relate to changing ourselves for someone else, especially when we love them and want to be with them as long as possible.

song was super fast, kinda wish it never ended lol

Favorite Lyric: I got this doom and gloom in my mind / I got this doom and gloom but I feel all right

7.The Pink Seashell

not really a song, but it was very pretty.

idk where this monologue is from, but… ouch.

8. I Am My Own Muse

very dramatic, reminds me so much of folie.

love the heavy as guitars and all the orchestral instruments too. they had such a dark touch to the whole song.

totally didn't start tearing up at my favorite lyric…. who told you that??

Favorite Lyric: I'm just trying to keep it together / But it gets a little harder when it never gets better

9. Flu Game

fob is really coming for my neck rn dear lord.

as i've kinda mentioned on here before, my ex best friend of 10 years decided to randomly end our friendship and subsequently i lost all of our friends in common, and it's been a bit of roller coaster emotionally. and these lyrics…. fuck me, they are just connecting with me so much.

Favorite Lyric: Oh God, kinda please would you kill me now? or Last night I dreamt I still knew you, you / I carved out a place in this world for two / But it's empty without you

10. Baby Annihilation

first off love that the previous song blended into this one. always a fave of mine when songs on albums do that.

interesting, another poem/monologue on the album. love when pete does his whole speech at the end of a song, but making this it's own is fun.

11. The Kintsugi Kid (Ten Years)

again, they're trying to make me hurt, that's all i will accept at this point.

this feels like such a nostaligic song, too. god. didn't think this would be the third song on fob's album i would be crying to, but here i am.

Favorite Lyric: I felt you at the beginning / But needed you at the end

12. What a Time to Be Alive

never thought i would full on CACKLE at a fob, but oh my god???!?!??!?!?!?!

i love this. no other words. 1000+/10

Favorite Lyric: 'Cause everything is lit except my serotonin or When, when, when I said, "Leave me alone" / This isn't quite what I meant

13. So Much (for) Stardust

this reminded me so much of marianas trench and how they will make the final song on their albums an accomulation of all the other songs on the album. and i really love that for fob.

this song is such a sad ending, but also not?? like it just feels like almost admitting you were upset all this time, and now you're left with what to do with finally telling everyone how you felt.

seriously so good. vocally, i mean… cmon.

Favorite Lyric: I used to be a real go-getter / I used to think it'd all get better

OVERALL: this is seriously one of fob's best albums to date. it isn't the same as anything else they've released, and it's so much more mature than previous album. musically, it has a lot of similarities to past projects, but i think it takes on a life of it's own and is unique amongst all of their other works. a lot more groovy than i ever expected them to sound like. lyrically, gut punching. thanks for making me cry three times. wish i could see you guys in concert but yall REFUSE to come to philly. and coming to camden does not count !!

i'm gonna go listen to this for another week and half, see yall on the other side lol

RANKING OF THE SONGS

What a Time to Be Alive

Love From the Other Side

Hold Me Like a Grudge

Fake Out

The Kintsugi Kid (Ten Years)

So Good Right Now

Flu Game

Heaven, Iowa

I Am My Own Muse

So Much (for) Stardust

Heartbreak Feels So Good

The Pink Seashell

Baby Annihilation

[diagonal-queen]

HI STILL NIGHTGOWN ANON. im a silly little fella. I JUST SAW THE OTHER POST. IM MOTIVATED. IM GLAD YOU LIKE THE IDEAS! ILL TRY AND THINK OF MORE.

- i see... so you have showed poe popipo?? alright next up on the chopping block: 'AaaAaaaAaa'

- i personally LOVE rabbits. Just imagine little karl with little holland lop bunny :) OKOK THATS MY PERSONAL PREF HAHA

- imagine reader is a fellow writer, and they meet at like.. this writing convention or something like that, going to like the same publisher/editor?? thats how they met

- what if you met through ranpo? again, reader also writes and has like weird ideas and hes like: i gochu. i introduce you to racoon man! you: .o. hes perfect.

- reader reviewing poe ideas and just being like: bro that wont work r u stupid

- reader sitting on poes lap while he writes and complaining about him writing too much

- poe gets a hand injury bc he writes too much and reader has to take care of him (babying him)

- poe and ranpo have 'friendly' playdates (although they like to call it a debate between skills) and reader like you said, is the mediator between the two.

- reader and ranpo are besties. poe being the sugar daddy he is, buys reader everything they want. reader then proceeds to take all snacks and stuff to share with ranpo. poe then has to monitor both of their sugar intakes because... well...

- poe babysitting reader and ranpo

- ranpo babysitting reader and poe

- trio being unsupervised (jk kunikidas there to save the day)

- ranpo dies and reader uses poe as therapy/replacement. poe accepts their date proposal because he liked them. OF COURSE RANPO WOULDNT DIE THOUGH BC HES TOO SMART I LOVE HIM

- vice versa. poe dies and reader uses ranpo as therapy/replacement. ranpo accepts their date/proposal because he had his eye on them. SAME THING THO HES TOO BABY TO DIE

IDK these thoughts came randomly to my head while i was writing them. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF MY LOVE! ❤️

nightgown you're like a stray cat that shows up every now and then but instead of me giving you treats you're giving me headcanons and i appreciate it because poe is the blorbo ever 🤧 i love all of these so much WHAT

poe can't get behind miku he'd be like 'BUT SHE'S A ROBOT ON THE COMPUTER. HOW CAN A ROBOT BE REAL' 'no edgar she's a vocaloid' 'THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE' lol, also poe lowkey really does seem like a bunny type. those rabbits are very cute <3

it would be very cute if poe and author!reader met because they had the same publisher but it would also be adorable if they met at a convention that they were both featured at and they were like huge fans of each other, so all the bookworms there who went to meet you and poe just watch the two of you awkwardly interact ksjskskjs

there are SO many ways you could fit ranpo into a poe x reader. i've written myself a little bit of a 'ranpo with a younger sister who likes poe's books meets him and falls immediately' already lmao but ranpo, knowing that poe can be awkward sometimes, would probably deadass just lock you two in a room with a bunch of pens and blank manuscripts and be like 'go on then' LMAO

poe's books and poems are basically always a hit but when he's tired and suffering writer's block some of his manuscripts are a bit iffy. you've had to help him out of his slump a time or two. get all the terrible drabbles out of his system before he finally presents you with another banger of a novel. don't be too relentless with him though he might cry

and of course the beloved poe scenario where reader is like 'POE STOP' and he's just writing light yagami style like 'NEVER'. he won't stop if you sit in his lap or complain though. he is a hard worker and very creative, and much like myself must get his ideas out or he'll forget them immediately. maybe if you manage to distract him somehow? put on the nightgown JYGSJKHKKJBRKTW IM SORRY

if he hurts his hand...imagine poe being so sad because he's physically unable to write- he'd definitely try anyway, but you need to be like NO, BAD. you do get to spend a bit more time together than normal which is nice, but once he's healed it'll take a miracle to pull him away from his desk

trying to be the diplomat for these two would be a nightmare. ranpo's silly, poe's awkward, they're both bickering ;-; at least if you team up with ranpo you can convince poe to buy the two of you candy (he really doesn't wanna, but...T-T). you two are far too excitable and talkative for his own good. on the flip side, ranpo would just give up taking care of the two of you immediately because EUGH romance and EUGH being quiet and EUGH socratic circles lmao

also you three are lowkey a menace to society. like in all honesty you solve crimes together and work towards a safer society but also, two chatterboxes being followed around by a tall awkward man wearing a cape and accompanied by a raccoon? yeah.

i would HATE to write a fic in which either of my beloved boys die but picture this- you're dating poe and he dies somehow. you and ranpo are very sad, you bond a little more after his death and eventually begin dating. it's been a while and you and ranpo are still together, but then poe reappears out of who knows where and sees that you're dating his best friend... (vice versa works too- either way it's the WORST)

[lilyyx0]

(previous nonnie) !! first off, i relate so much to how you feel. it sucks so much to feel this way, like you're not pretty, not worthy of being loved and stuff like that. :(( but know that u are loveable !! just because you think that way of yourself, doesn't mean others think the same. your brain is just bein' mean to you. and it sucks sm to feel this way but know that you're not alone !! and hey, ain't your username "abby's pretty girl?" :3 u r pretty !! <33 and you seem so sweet !!!

for artists you mentioned, i've only listened to montell fish once or twice but definitely will listen to some more! i love billie eilish as well !! and 'm so excited for her next album hehe. i also like salvia plath. lana, i do like her music but like – born to die era !! < 33 🍒 never heard of saint avengeline but will def check them out !! :3

and i'll listen to the songs you mentioned !! hehe. personally, been obsessed with rizha's last ep. mostly "bella swan" !! also looove "mutt" by sophie meiers. :3

i will watch the semmelsweis movie ! never heard of it, but why not !! and you said you're interested in medicine? do you wanna work in that field? if so, that's so cool !! and if not, it's cool too. i like movies that involve medical procedures tho i don't know shit about medicine stuff haha. and those movies are so good ?? white chicks is one of my favs as well. my favorite movie 4ever will always be la la land tho. :(( also i need to watch the new mean girls.

also um. don't judge me. but i never actually watched a twilight movie 😭 and no harry Potter either (cause i don't like the world, but thats my opinion.) never watched glimore girls either. i need to watch arcane tho !! also. you're the first person i met who watched feel good <33 mwaaah !!!

i need to read the twisted series but first, need to read the two books on my tbr !! (truthfully yours by caden armstrong is my next read.) and do you have a favorite poetry book? or favorite poem? :))

ALSO TULIPS. mwaaaah !!! tulips for u !! 🌷🌷🌷💌 they're my favs too !! love them sm. they're so prettyyyy. <33 and from your name, i would've thought lilies were also your favorites haha. ;3

anyway !! sorry this is so long but i want you to know that i'll gladly listen to you ramble about your day or books anytime !! (tho m anonymous, cause im actually shy to text haaa >_<) btw, can i be 🌷 anon? :3 mwaah !!!! bisouuuus

I'm gonna cry, u r so fckin sweet:(

did you read the rolling stones article in which billie gave an interview? I was like OH LORD.

aww, I listened to "mutt" by sophie meiers, cute music, but still sad, it is really from a dog's vision? :( (ANYWAY, ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE SAME MUSIC? I HOPE SO, BC IF NOT.. THEN I'M A LITTLE EMBARRASSED)

I don't really know what I want to do, I'm really interested in medicine, but I'm too lazy to study (and too scared to fail).

if you watch the movie Semmelweis, I'd be interested in your opinion about it, so if you're interested, by all means write how you liked it!! <33

I've heard of la la land, but I've never seen it, but maybe I'll watch it!

everyone has their own opinion, it's totally fine if you don't like Harry Potter that much, everyone has different tastes <3

Arcane is so FCKIN AMAZING, I've watched it like four times, can't wait for season 2 omg I'm sooo excited!!! about feel good.. I loved it, Mae and George were so cute:(

omg let me know if you manage to read the book you want! <3 here are my favorite poetry books, and there are two more books that I forgot to mention, but they are about fashion:

(I wanted to buy them in English, but unfortunately I didn't think of ordering online😭)

fashion books:

TULIPS ARE THE BEST!!!🌷💕

I also like lilies, but their scent is too strong for me:/

IT'S COMPLETELY OKAY, I LIKE WHEN PEOPLE ARE TALKING TO ME, REALLY!! :)

thank you so much again, I'm glad that someone will listen to me ramble about some fandom stuff ^^ (don't worry, I'm also a shy people!)

Of coursee, you're my 🌷 anon from now on!

XOXO

[goober-official]

A quick story about a memory I had a bit ago. This memory sparked cause I’ve been thinking a lot about my sexuality and kinda realizing I think I’m a lesbian, which is crazy when I’ve been with so many men, I know that the idea of spending my life with a man actually makes me so fucking sad and it’s heartbreaking to know how much time I wasted other people’s time and feeling I hurt bc I couldn’t figure my shit out none the less the memory….

I was in 6th grade about 10/11 and after class everyday we’d all have to wait in the cafeteria for buses I can’t remember why but I remember meeting her there for the first time, she was in 8th grade, she had long black hair and she was so emo, I can faintly imagine her, I had completely forgotten her until today, I don’t know her name but I remember her having to move in the middle of the year I think, I just know I never saw her after that and eventually I forgot about her completely. Still for a few months I would see her after or before class and talk a bit with her she was shy and a little mean I would watch how she would write her poems and how she held herself, I remember basically drooling over this girl. She was a bit older and I didn’t even think about being gay or anything (I had some experiences in the past that make it p obvious but growing up Christian had kinda beaten the idea out of me) I never really realized how much I wanted to impress her and get to know her until year after.

There was one day, the last memory I have of her really, this is all so blurry like I said I hadn’t thought of it over 10 years. So this girl let’s call her violet, she was walking to the bus and I see her, she’s kind of avoiding me.

“Violet! Wait up”

She turns around

“What?” I can tell she’s upset almost like she could cry any moment, I want to help her

“ what’s wrong?”

“You don’t wanna know” it seemed like she wanted to tell me but was angry and defensive

“That’s not true, you know I would never judge you”

“Okay fine I’ll just write it though okay?” Violet opens her notebook and starts scribbling

“Okay..” she hands me the book

“Oh I mean…. That makes sense haha”

I stare at the words “I’m a lesbian” under that is a very beautiful drawing of two girls kissing

My stomach was fluttering, I was nervous and excited, *was this a confession to me?*

I truly didn’t have an issue with queer people I had so many queer friends(how was that not a sign to me sooner)

I don’t think she realized this because she stormed off after that and I don’t remember seeing her again much after that.

It took me until well now to realize what those feelings were but still the only reason I didn’t recognize them is because in my mind and in my life I was taught that I cannot be that that I would literally go to hell for being queer that I would go to hell for supporting queer people.

I’m still unlearning in some ways but I’m definitely glad that I can feel more open and be more myself than little me could :)

[skychive29]

March 29, 2024

Hi! I'm back to blogging. It's been a long time since I created one. I remember being active online with all my writing and art sesh during my college days. But things changed once I started working. I got a big smack of reality, thus giving less time to writing. My skills are getting rusty as well. It was pretty harsh I say. But after the pandemic, I realized a lot of things and I'm coming back from a deep loop of darkness. I am happy with the new me these days though I struggle still in a lot of things.

I created this blog to document everything I think of and everything that I love starting today. It can be a memory from the past or the current things that make me happy. I choose blogging because I think I have more freedom here than posting in instragram or creating a vlog which I need to edit bunch of clips always. I'm a lazy rat. Unlike in typing, I can do this easily with my laptop or phone. The format will be very free as well. As a person, I don't conform much to certain uniformity. But I hope this platform will be a way for my loved ones to remember me someday or myself to read what I write here and criticize myself (haha). Anyway, I want to start with reposting one of the most memorable and most important poems I created when I was still in college. This poem is for my father who sadly passed away tragically. He is always my greatest inspiration.

Sleepless Death

As I hear the gentle sound of somber air Creepy surprise and pale replies touch my heart Full of soulless whisper filled the corner With gloomy sadness behind my teary eyes

He was there straightly lying in the sordid tiles With a block of dirty wood behind his purple nape And as I look his blank smiling face I see nothing but a dark silent melancholy

If only I could tick the clock from twelve to one Maybe I could hear his very last loving wish Maybe I could hear his last crying laugh Dying fatherly word to his precious princesses

But past cannot stand for today And today cannot stand for the past Destiny moves the flow of life We should learn to accept if one will die

Cause the only thing an anguish blue heart can do Is to solemnly pray for the soulful truth…

That's all, I hope I can also share some life pictures, art, and song covers someday too. But for now, I'm lazy XD

Ciao~잘자 굿밤!

[peapod20001]

Haha don’t pay me any mind oho

[sukunarii]

Pairing: Yandere! Sukuna x Reader

Warnings: (Sukuna’s Era!) Yandere | Unhealthy relationship | Murder | Blood| This fic is much darker than my usual style! Please beware when you read it. 

Synopsis: In the early morning, you would play your koto in your garden. It was a show for one audience: a stranger that refused to step out of the shadows. A stranger that perhaps grew too fond of you.

Wordcount: 3.0K

A/N: A koto is a Japanese instrument kind of like a harp. Also this fic might be very historical inaccurate. This fic is inspired by a poem by William Blake titled “Song:  When early morn walks forth in sober grey.” 

The sky was gray on the day you first spoke to him. It was early morning, you were in your garden, under the gazebo as usual where you go to practice playing your koto. You enjoyed it, for it was one of the only times where you could feel absorbed in your own world, in your own solitude and tranquility. However, you have noticed that lately, you were not so much alone.

"Behind the willow tree, I know you're there," you called out. You could see the shadow shift, but the person behind did not step out into your view.

"I see you have noticed me," a masculine voice replied. It carried a hint of playfulness.

"Of course I have, you've disturbed my peace for a few mornings now," you replied.

"Am I not welcomed?", he asks.

"What brings you here?", you asked back immediately.

His answer did not come as quick as yours, as if he chose his words carefully  "I was captivated by the music you played," he complimented you.

You were flattered, you had to pause and recollect your thoughts for a moment. If he is just here to listen....well there's no harm, right?

You let out an airy laugh, "As my only audience, I supposed you are welcomed to stay." 

You resumed to playing your koto. From behind the willow tree, Sukuna stole a few glances at you. Along with the beautiful music you created, you looked so effortless and absorbed in your own world while playing. A world that Sukuna could step a foot into by observing you from afar but felt too delicate for him to disturb. You were like an angel while he was a curse— a monster. He shouldn’t have any business with a girl like you. 

Yet you called him, 'My only audience'...he liked the sound of that.

You were playing for him only, and he was glad that he did not even have to capture you for this. After all, a caged bird does not sing the same.

However, the serenity of dawn was disturbed by the loud and abrupt chime of the bell.

With a jolt, you stopped playing.

"Ah, that was the wake up call for the village, I got to go now," you said and got up.

From his shadow, you see him stand up too. You hesitated but decided to ask anyways, "Will you tell me your name?"

He laughs lightheartedly, "A musician does not need to know the name of their audience."

The buds on the dull brown branches were blooming into beautiful flowers that decorated the garden. Summer was approaching. It became routine, he would come to your little concert every morning. It was romantic even. You did not know who he was, but sometimes you would carry little conversations with him. You knew that he was not from the village, he said he travelled up from the valley every morning to visit you.

Knowing that he was not from the village also gave you a sense of security as you could tell him anything and everything without worrying that he would spread rumours. Afterall, you were the daughter of the richest man in the village, from suitors to enemies to your family's reputation, there was so much that you had to keep to yourself. You've learned to express these thoughts into the music you played, but being able to say them out loud in words was relieving.

He was your audience and you were his musician.

Nonetheless, most of the time, very few words were exchanged. It was just you, him, your music in the air and the garden in the surroundings.

You were wearing a purple kimono the day you asked him if you could see him. He gave you the same response as the day you asked him for his name, "A musician does not need to know the appearance of their audience."

You sighed, disappointed, "How about if I ask you as a friend?"

From the flickers of his shadow, you could tell he hesitated. Your heart started racing, in hopes that you will finally see your mysterious friend. But, you were left disappointed, "Not today, my darling. You're still not ready yet."

You looked at his shadow quizzically, what did he mean by not ready? Did he have self-esteem issues? Or a scar? Or was he really ugly...? Not that you would have minded of course, you pouted, "That's not fair. You get to see me all the time."

He chuckles, "I think this is for the better."

The urge to show himself to you or even take you for himself was very strong. However, he had to hold himself back, he didn't want you to be afraid of him. For one, you just called him a 'friend'. And he knew that if he did show himself however, this friendship would be over. You were an angel. He was a curse. Sometimes fate was cruel that way.

The green leaves that fell from the trees were fluttering in the summer breeze. Lately Sukuna has been observing you more and more throughout the day. Instead of rampaging the nearby villages, he would spend more time observing you from the outskirts of your village.

The more he observed, the more he noticed the amount of unsolicited male attention you get when you stroll in the village. Had he not been a curse, he wished he could be strolling by your side and indicating to all of those nuisances that you were his.

The village was not very large, thus, Sukuna has come to recognize most of the faces. However, one time there was a strange man with black hair that appeared in the village. Not that Sukuna cared much as long as he didn't try to flirt with his little darling — except the man did this very thing: he stopped you.

Sukuna could not hear what the man said to you, but he could certainly feel the rage rising in him. The urge to kill this man was very strong. In fact, in the heat of the moment he feels like he could kill everyone in this village to prove his point. Seeing another man try to talk to you so intimately enraged him. He has held himself back multiple times from rampaging your village and taking you home with him. Taking you as his. But for your sake, he has managed to suppress these dark thoughts. But not this time.

He approached you, or specifically the stranger menacingly...with killing intent. But once he was in hearing distance, he heard you tell the man firmly,

"I'm not interested."

The man paused. But insisted again, "Why not? I can treat you right."

"I'm interested in someone else," you told him.

Sukuna paused. Were you talking about him?

"What? No way, who might this be and how come I've never heard of this before! You're just making up lies to turn down my love," he argues back condescendingly.

You shot him a dirty look and you tried to leave but he grabs your arm, “Hold it there girl, I’m not done talking yet.”

That’s it. You slapped him. Not a weak slap, a hard one. The man's face flipped towards the other side.

"That is none of your business. Now if you would excuse me," you said angrily and turned around and left.

Sukuna smiled, 'That's my girl.'

He didn't even have to do anything.

You ran your hand through the calming blue water of the pond in your garden. You have strained your hand from playing on the koto for too much, they were sore and calloused. You tried inviting your friend to come feel the water too but he refused, insisting on remaining well hidden from your view.

"He is from this powerful family, the Zenin clan I believe. And he seems really interested in me."

Sukuna didn't answer.

"But I'll keep rejecting him, I don't like him and don't care for his advances," you rambled on, then sighed, "However I can't say the same for my parents. They are interesting in getting a hold of the powers of the Zenin clans."

"Why don't you leave the village with me?" he finally answered you.

You didn't think he was serious, but you entertained his idea, "They're not just your normal powerful families. They are very powerful as in even if we leave the village, there's nowhere left to run."

"Then I'll just kill them. Everyone of them."

You laughed bittersweetly, what could he possibly do against them when he was too shy to even show himself to you? The Zenin clan was one of the most powerful sorcerers of the eras!

"Haha, yeah that would be nice. But with all of the curses rampaging the nearby villages, we really need the Zenin clan's protection. It really sucks but they're powerful jujutsu sorcerers, it's a miracle that our village is not destroyed yet unlike the our neighbouring villages,” but swiftly, your fake optimism fades. You couldn’t play your koto today, but this stranger was your friend and talking to him gives a sense of comfort. He was listening to you and he was trustworthy.

You say softly, “If only something happened to their third son so that he would stop trying to woo me all of the time...." then, you laughed sheepishly, "Of course I'm just joking haha, I mean it's awful to wish death on someone..."

But Sukuna only heard the first part.

With summer abruptly coming to an end and winter approaching, sunrise came later every day. The sky was still black the morning you broke down crying to him. It was moonless.

"I-I know I said I wished he was d-dead, but I didn't mean it f-for real," you said between your sobs, "I just didn't w-want to marry h-him, but he got killed by a curse and I f-feel like I cursed him."

"Wasn't that what you wanted?", the intonations of his voice came out as cold as the autumn air. However, you were too absorbed in your sadness to pick up these nuances.

"No! I would never truly want anyone to die! That’s awful!”

“Now you won’t have to worry about unsolicited attention anymore,” he answered briskly

You hugged your knees closer to your chest and buried your face into them, “It didn’t make a difference...the Zenin offered their s-second son instead..., so it wasn't cancelled regardless..."

"What wasn't cancelled?", Sukuna asked.

"The wedding...”

Sukuna's jaw tightened. He was upset. Furious. You’ve mentioned that the Zenin family was interested in you but you’ve never mentioned that there was anything official. He didn't like that you didn't mention this to him at all. 

"Leave with me."

This time it wasn't a question. It was an order. Yet, you refused it again.

"I can't. I can't leave my family behind like that...if I run away, the Zenin clan would bare a grudge against them, who knows what they’ll do..."

For the first time, Sukuna finally stepped out of the shadows.

But you didn't notice, nor did you see him, the obscurity of the lightless sky hid him from your vision.

"Pathetic, why would you care about family that are selling you off to strangers? This is why you humans are so weak. Being emotional for things that do not matter," he says, words dripping with menace.

Your eyes widened, alerted by the swift change of mood. Tension high in the air. He did not sound like the friend that you knew. It’s as if he was a real stranger.

"That's not true! It's wrong to be selfish, they're my family. I have to listen to them and it's for the best of the village," you tried to reason but you were worried that he could hear the slight fear in your trembling voice.

"Oh yes because the Zenin clan will protect your village from curses. You think too highly of them. When I killed that nuisance, he was crawling and crying, begging for his life. He may be a little stronger than your average jujutsu sorcerer but he was still a weak human." Sukuna was tired of keeping up his calming and human-like demeanour. He topped off his statement with a sadistic laugh.

However, you didn't answer him. Not immediately at least, you were soaking in the words he just said. You gasped.

"Y-You mean you killed him?!"

You took a step back in shock and fear. You were told that he was killed by a curse...if this stranger you've befriended was a curse and one strong enough to kill someone from the Zenin family....you were in deep trouble.

Sukuna continued laughing, "Ah, yes I killed him. I sliced his body into pieces but I preserved the head so he could be recognized. It was a masterpiece, you should of seen the expression of anguish on his decapitated head!"

All of his efforts of wanting to preserve this friendship, fearing to taint your innocence, and scared of not being delicate around you, all thrown away in the heat of the moment. It didn't matter anymore, not when annoying jujutsu sorcerers were going to get in the way and take you away from him.

You screamed, "Get away from me, you monster!"

Your fight or flight instincts kicked in, this man in front of you— no this curse in front of you— was not a friend. You have befriended something much more sinister, he was a killer. A powerful killer and from the enthusiasm in his voice, he was a sadistic one too. You turned to run back to your house.

To your surprise, he didn't follow you. He watched you and even if you can't see him, you can tell that he was smiling.

You didn't dare to leave the house the days before the wedding. You were also too scared to tell anyone about your foolish encounter with a curse. Instead, you urged your parents to push the wedding earlier. The earlier the better, much to their delight.

Luckily, you did not hear about him and it seems that things have returned to normal. But your instincts say otherwise. If you play with fire, you ought to get burned. And you seemed to have attracted the attention of something very ominous.

You were wearing white on the day of the wedding. A veil covering your face. As per tradition, you were patiently waiting for your groom in another room, waiting for him to lift the veil off your face and take you to the main ceremony room to present you to the invited guests and families. Then allow the head of the households to pronounce you as husband and wife.

Maybe it was your nervousness, it seemed that every minute went by slower. Almost as if the ceremony has been delayed. But with your eyes covered by the veil, all you could do was wait.

Then finally, you heard someone approaching you. You feel a hand gently lift the veil off your face. To your surprise, the person who brought you out of the darkness was not the second son of the Zenin family. There he was, the powerful curse that rampaged villages: Sukuna. You might be the only person who has seen all four of his arms and eyes up close and lived to tell the tale. Not that you would have anyone to tell this to.

He was covered in blood. You were not sure who's but from the silence and the lack of wounds on him, you can formulate a pretty good guess. You drew in a sharp breath and jerked away from his touch, hoping to crawl away even.

"Help!", you shouted out hoping that anyone would hear — anyone at all....wasn't half of the Zenin household here? What were they doing?

"Shh, I was late because I had to take care of some trash, but don't worry, I'm here now," Sukuna says to you. You recognized his voice right away.

You were so terrified that you didn't even notice tears started coming out of your eyes. You struggled to get away from him, you clawed at him, tried to push him away, but it didn't work. He didn't even flinch.

"(Name), stop that before you anger me," he warned you.

You didn't listen.

"You're a monster," you spat at him and you tried to slap him but he stops your hand midair, the blood on his hands imprinting onto your white kimono.

"I'm not like those pathetic Zenin, you'll have to try harder if you want to hit me," Sukuna says with a taunting voice.

Despair washes over you. He was right, if even the Zenin couldn’t win against him, then what could you do? There was no way you could win this nor escape him.

When he carried you bridal style out towards the main room of the ceremony, you’ve stopped struggling. The room was plastered with blood. You recognize some of the body limbs on the ground, the remains of the guests, of your family, of the Zenin family. They were barely remains, mostly just little pieces. You had the urge of throwing up. No one was coming to save you.

It was just you and Sukuna.

Sukuna laughs, he can hear the whiplash of the puddles of blood as he steps over them. He was proud of his work, "Just like usual, only you and me. I'm your only audience."

The blood that covered him stains onto your previously white kimono.

Sukuna always compared you to an angel. And he was a curse—a monster. You two were not meant to be, fate was cruel like that. But Sukuna can be even crueler.

You are his bride.

And it was a red wedding.

[drwcn]

ok but for fem!wwx au does lan zhan believe the rumours? and if so what does that mean for the whole 'i birthed him with my own body!' cause lan zhan did the maths and was like 'no it was just the once and this child is too old' but if he thinks he was just one in a line does he go back to bm after nightless city to rescue a kid he thinks is wei ying's but with another man? does he spend the three years in seclusion cursing every jin whose name he remembers as cowards only to step out, take one look at sizhui, and have an 'oh. i know why wei ying was so determined to save wen qionglin' moment???

Answer:  Haha, nah, Lan Wangji was fairly sure Sizhui wasn’t Wei Ying’s, for several reasons. One, Wen Yuan was born before the wen remnants even went to the Burial Mount. Lan Wangji saw the small child amongst the escape party that rainy night at the  concentration camp. Also, Wen Ning was several years younger than them, which would make it kind of weird if he were the dad. Before Wen Ning became the Ghost General, everyone just knew him as Wen Qing’s kid brother.  Lan Wangji, however, absolutely believed Jiang Yan to be Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian’s child even before Wei Wuxian was resurrected... 

《the midnight sun》 — 

[original], snippets [x] [x] [x] [x], other posts found under #lanyan or #midnight sun

midnight sun [snippet 7]

When Yan’er turned ten, Jiang Cheng decided it was time for her to accompany him to Cultivation Conferences. Most sect heirs began their training this way; Jiang Cheng still remembered his first time, trailing nervously in Jiang Fengmian’s wake. 

Heiresses, in comparison, were few and far between. Even head disciples were rarely girls. Jiang Wanyin had no children. His head disciple was his heiress, and his heiress was Jiang Yueqian (江月千). 

长烟一空 - when the smoke clears; 皓月千里 - the moon casts a thousand miles of light 浮光跃金 - which dances upon the water, golden 静影沉壁 - the shadow of the moon itself like jade underwater*

A jade underwater indeed.

“Shifu.”

Speaking of the devil, here she comes, walking measuredly down the long stairs of Jinlintai towards Jiang Cheng, the epitome of an obedient, filial disciple. It had only been a day and Jiang Yan already had the world fooled. Only Jiang Cheng knew how impossibly obstinate and utterly uncontrollable she was when her mind was fixed.

"Ah, Jiang-zongzhu, this is..." Spotting her, Lan Xichen glanced beyond his shoulder, the question dangling in the sentence he did not deem necessary to finish.

Unbeknownst to Lan Xichen, the child that made her way over was his niece by blood. Jiang Cheng was acutely aware that Yan'er actually resembled Lan Wangji a great deal, and despite having weighed the risks and gains against each other repeatedly before deciding to bring Jiang Yan along, now he was no longer so certain in his calculations. Lan Xichen was not a simple peasant; what if he detected a trace or a hint of her heritage between the furrow of her brows or the curve of her eyes? What if...

Jiang Cheng turned, raising an arm towards Jiang Yan, an introduction ready, but whatever words he had prepared in advance died on on his tongue when he laid eyes on the girl. Suddenly, he was no longer worried that others would suspect her to be Lan Wangji's child.

There was a red ribbon in her hair.

Yan'er stopped at a polite distance from the two older men and bowed in perfect form.

Jiang Cheng's heart stuttered violently in his chest at the sight of that red ribbon falling sideway over her small shoulder. If souls could travel, his would have left him in an instant. He stood in disincorporated panic, wrestling with the nauseating sensation of being ripped from his reality and tossed so far into the distant past that he felt whole again.

"Shifu, Lan-zongzhu." Yan'er greeted.

Shifu. Lan-zongzhu. In another world, another life, she would not need to be so formal. She could easily bound up to them, carefree, cooing jiujiu and bobo and ask to be bailed out from whatever trouble she caused.

Instead, he was only her shifu, and Lan Xichen, a stranger in her life. It would be laughable, if fate had not dealt them each such a wretched hand.

Jiang Cheng stepped towards her. “Where did you get this?” 

Jiang Yan looked up in surprise, her hand reaching up and making an aborted motion to touch the red ribbon in her hair.

“Qin-shenshen gave it to me. Is it not nice?” 

Qin Su. Jiang swallowed down a sigh of relief. Earlier, the Jin servants had sent word that Jin-fu'ren had baked treats for Jin Ling, and the boy had wasted no time dragging his favourite person - his Yan'er jiejie - to his aunt's place with him. Clearly, Qin Su had seized the opportunity to dote on the girl in place of the daughter she never had. Qin Su meant well. She couldn't have known. She's never even met Wei Wuxian.

In this state, Jiang Cheng could barely bring himself to look at his disciple, but he forced himself nonetheless to kneel and tuck an errant strand of baby hair behind her ear. “Very pretty.” 

Yan'er smiled.

Jiang Cheng could cry.

They'd been lucky thus far. Yunmeng's Jiang-xiao-guniang was born a taciturn girl who did not like to smile or laugh, not even when she was expected to for polite society. Whether she was happy or sad, one would be hard pressed to tell. Only in front of her master Jiang Cheng or her Jin Ling-didi did she elect to reveal the full expanse of her emotions. Yet, whenever Jiang Cheng bore witness to that smile as warm and incandescent as sunlight, he could not help but shudder somewhere deep. Recalling the radiant days of years gone by, he could still see - every time he closed his eyes - his er-shijie smiling at him in the very same fashion.

Aiyo, Jiang Cheng ~

So...they'd been very lucky thus far, that Yan'er was not so like her mother in that way, not so free and generous with her smiles. Or else this devastating secret —Wei Wuxian's only wish — would not be able to withstand the test of time.

"Very pretty, Yan'er." He reaffirmed. "Did you thank Jin-furen?"

"I did."

Jiang Cheng stood and turned back to face Lan Xichen, and realized they were being joined by two others: Lan Qiren and Lan Wangji. The latter of two stared directly down at Jiang Yan, visibly stricken and unblinking, as though he'd just seen a ghost. After all, he had often been on the receiving end of that signature smile once upon a time. It was probably not a smile he'd ever expected to see again in this life.

In hindsight, perhaps Jiang Cheng should have made Yan'er wear her uniform like all the other disciples instead of her favourite indigo robes.

“Ah, Wangji, shufu -” Lan Xichen was quick to react, sensing animosity brewing in the disquiet that stretched taut between his younger brother and his fellow sect master. "Jiang-zongzhu, perhaps you would introduce us?"

The First Jade smiled kindly down at Yan'er. She returned his kindness with a polite nod.

Lan Wangji finally dragged his gaze up to meet Jiang Cheng's, a rarity since their violent parting at Nevernight. The venerated Hanguang-jun had developed a habit of pretending that Jiang Wanyin of Lotus Pier did not exist at all. He probably preferred, dreamed of it even, if Jiang Cheng had been one to fall of the cliff that day. He probably hated himself for not shoving him into the molten abyss when he could to avenge the love of his life.

Love. What did Lan Wangji know of love? Jiang Cheng sneered inwardly. One did not compromise one's love and abandon her, ill and with child, to bleed out alone in a cave tainted by demonic spirits.

One did not watch idly as one's love and her people are reduced to ashes for the power and greed of men either....

Jiang Cheng buried the offending thought, too familiar with Wen Qing's ghost that still haunted him in his moments of weakness. Without breaking gaze, he laid a hand on the crown of Jiang Yan's head and said, "This is my first disciple, Jiang Yan, Jiang Yueqian."

"Yueqian greets Zewu-jun, Lan-lao-xiansheng, Hanguang-jun."

Jiang Cheng watched as the icy fire within Lan Wangji's eyes flicker, fizzle, and extinguish entirely. Jiang Cheng's vague silence had allowed him the space to make his assumptions, and he had assumed the most insane explanation.

Is it so difficult for you, wondered Jiang Cheng. To believe that she could be yours? So impossible, that you would choose to doubt Wei Wuxian instead?

Fine.

Hanguang-jun. The venerated Second Jade of Gusu. That's all you'll ever be. Yan'er will never call you Father.

Jiang Cheng decided he had spent enough time today making nice. "Zewu-jun, it's getting late. If nothing else, I will be taking my leave. The conference continues tomorrow. I will see you then. Yan'er, come."

Yan'er bowed again to the senior cultivators, perfectly well-mannered. A dash of surprise crossed those bright eyes, however, when Jiang Cheng took her hand to lead her away. She followed wordlessly, trusting him, and did not look back once at the Lans she left behind.

Now that Yan'er was out in society, there would surely be rumours. No matter. Rumours were nothing Jiang Wanyin could not withstand. How ironic, indeed, that this was to be his lot in life.

For the first time, Jiang Cheng felt he could understand his father.

Note:

The poem is from the Song dynasty, by poet 范仲淹 from his work 《岳阳楼记》

Jiang Cheng of course is also working off a lot of assumptions about Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji's relationship. He has his reasons for hating and blaming Lan Wangji, but not all the blame is deserved.

[brightonratgirl]

I wrote a poem about trans loss and empathy and experiencing it all online for someone you don't really know as well as yourself. It's not super polished and the parts about Twitter feel old now haha. But I think it's worth posting for this Trans Day of Remembrance.

It's called Sorry for your loss:

I was sitting on the bus when I read your post

I'd been kept offline for a bit so I had to catch up

/

Like going through the motions

Of the swirling acidic oceans

That signal nausea telling you there will be sick

/

I mean I didn't even know that she was ill

I only knew you were together and doing rather well

She seemed to bring the best things out of you

Without that presence I hope they don't go back

I would have loved to have met her

/

That's the thing though, isn't it?

There was a chance and now there's not

Clarity where lies a spot

Of dark and sadness few will dare to touch

How do I broach the one you loved so much?

/

So many things I'd like to say

A shining white shield gets in the way

I need to tell you you're still wanted

I need to hug and squeeze and hold

And let you cry into my shoulder

And know that we will all grow older

Forget the pain but not the person

/

Why is it that when I saw your post

An icy hand gripped at my throat

But when I say I'm sorry, it will get better

I've never in my life felt more pathetic

My bottled message barely survives across

The static sea when I say "I'm sorry for your loss"

/

So now I'm saying I would have loved to have met her

I've thought it so many times don't make me think it again

Because my tweets are sterile, distant, empty

But I'm not, and I really would love to meet you

[starglitterz]

others were never really patient with her form of amusement.

zhongli, the funeral consultant who always seemed like something greater, had never been patient with her. qiqi has never been fond of her attempts to return her to eternal rest. the exorcist chongyun has always been irritated with her. xiangling remains annoyed by her pranks, even if she harbors no ill will towards her. one of the few people who can tolerate her, adeptus xiao, shows no interest in actually establishing a relationship with her (or being kind, but hu tao would never say that. she doesn't need the ill will of the adepti directed at her!).

but you? you had never looked at her with distaste or annoyance. so... why are you starting now?

hu tao isn't foolish. she knows when it started. she just doesn't understand how you fell from her fingertips. she treated you as gently as she treats the flower she sticks in her hat, trying to cultivate your love with care. hu tao wasn't the perfect lover, but she certainly tried her best. she even wrote you poetry of her own creation, even if the words were childish.

a silk flower sits beneath a tree. right next to it, you and me! hand in hand, like we always do. never forget, quill, i love you!

hu tao would say the poem incessantly in a playful, sing-song tone, yet a faint hint of seriousness would be behind her words. after all, they were woven from the words of truth. they still are, even if your heart belong to someone else the moment the crux returned to liyue. kaedehara kazuha and you met at the wangsheng funeral parlor of all places, where he had smiled at you so softly and spoken to you with such sweetness.

you had grown distant from hu tao and closer to the inazuman outcast. hu tao watched as you grew attached to him, despite being committed to her. she watched as you betrayed her before her eyes, offering her a half-hearted apology as you returned everything she gave you. you didn't mean it. you weren't sorry. you had used hu tao for everything she was worth than left once a better option came along. kazuha ignites the stars in your eyes.

and for hu tao? she's left to deal with the corpse of your love. despite her experience with death, she doesn't quite know how to put these feelings to rest. you betrayed her, yet she loves you. if you were to return, she would take you back in her arms.

"overseer," a voice interrupts hu tao's spiraling thoughts as she stands in the lobby of the wangsheng funeral parlor. "are you alright?"

it's the familiar voice of zhongli. she knows he cannot stand her, yet he's also kind enough to inquire whenever he sees anguish. is she that pathetic that she requires his assistance.

"just peachy! i'm doing quite well, actua-" hu tao begins, but her voice cracks on the final syllable. tears well up in her eyes and she pauses, not wanting to make a pathetic display of herself in front of her underling. but the honeyed gaze of zhongli is too much. it reads her entirely. he knows. he knows you left. he wouldn't look at her with such a pitying gaze otherwise.

the consultant steps forward and envelops her smaller frame in a hug. it is comforting, despite the rift that exists between him. hu tao can't stop herself as a sob breaks out of her. no words exit her lips, only broken cries.

"a true lover would not break the unspoken contract of a relationship," zhongli advises, but hu tao shakes her head. her hands scrabble to get a grip on his back, hugging him close and desperately as she unprofessionally breaks down.

"i don't want a true lover, i want quill," she cries. zhongli remains steady, holding her close. she cannot see his face as she buries her head into the expensive fabric of his coat. is he disappointed in her? annoyed? angry? she doesn't know.

she ruins her relationships with everyone. she couldn't even keep you. what's another bridge burnt? zhongli will keep returning anyways. he needs a paycheck.

yet, she can't see the solemn expression that crosses his face. it's one of understanding. even if he still had his gnosis, there are some wishes that an archon cannot grant. humanity are fickle creatures. their emotions are untamed and their whims are difficult to understand. but, for now, zhongli is knowledgeable enough to know that hu tao needs a friend as she heals from the wounds that you inflicted on her.

so, he stands with her as she sobs in the halls of the wangsheng funeral parlor, the same place you met the man that you left her for.

can some archon please give me the strength i need to get through this ebg week 😭😭😭

okay

OKAY

OKAY !!!!!!!

yes i love kazuha he completely bewitched me and stole my heart from whoever had it prior to this,,, just kidding i have always loved kazuha with my entire soul and being haha idk why some funeral parlour owner is sad abt me haha

wow kazuha is looking So pretty today right 😄😄😄 also axia idk if ur ask got attacked by tumblr but its so blurry for some reason :/// might be bc im looking at it through tears though BUT OFC i am crying bc kazuhas beautiful poetry brought me to tears no other reason like angst of a specific person yknow

shoutout to zhongli for being there for his friends ig 😕 he's a real one unlike some mutual named axia purposefully trying to hurt me 🙄

IM NOT GIVING YOU MY NEXT STRIKE YOU AREN'T GOING TO MAKE ME LOSE

[fu-aki]

So this is going to be my attempt to summarize the newest episodes of the ghost marriage event (episode 14 to 24) of twisted wonderland. Part 1

Again, spoiler alert since I’m about to write out everything that happened, and I apologize for my grammar in advance.

 You asked Ruggie if he would help -> he refused since Leona can just come back himself and he refuse to work for nothing -> you asked Jamil -> He refused, and he don’t allow Kalim to go either, if something happened to Kalim his whole family would be in danger -> you asked Silver -> He can’t go since he have to guard Malleus -> in the end, the ones volunteered to help are Rook, Epel, and Riddle -> Riddle helped because rule number 703 “the 2nd place in croquet has to make tea for the queen in the next day” -> Cater was the 2nd place from yesterday’s game -> so Riddle has to rescue him before today ends -> after a few “it’s fine we don’t need a useless coward” from Riddle, Ace decided to help too -> to perfect the plan, they went to Sam’s shop and got suits and bouquet -> both are enchanted by magic to help them

3 hours left till wedding -> Epel was late -> he showed up while riding a white horse so he looks more prince like -> the ghost ask them to say their proposal to show their seriousness -> Epel is up first

Epel: I will… definitely make the bride happy.

Epel: because I am the prince charming who will always rescue my beloved, no matter where they are! I will never give up no matter what kind of difficulties I face along the way. I will protect you from all harms. I shall be, the prince that matches the princess! Please, marry me!

-> next up is Ace

Ace: if you married me, everyday will be a happy day.

Ace: since we will be together forever, arguments might be unavoidable… but I will always be the person to apologize first. I will be with you for the worse or poorer times, and always put a smile on your face.

Ace: I will the prince that matches the princess, so…

Ace: don’t look the other way. Marry me please!

->next up is Riddle

Riddle: I will swear my loyalty, I promise for a future where I never harm or doubt you for any seconds.

Riddle: if it is for my beloved, I will do anything this body can do.

Riddle: so please… won’t you pick me as your spouse?

->next up is Rook

Rook: ---- beautiful you. Please make me your slave of love forever.

Rook: to think you are trapped in loneliness for hundreds of years, I want to give a poem to you.

Rook: ah! the princess of tragedy! I want to warm your cold cheek.

For how long have you drown in tears.

Those eyes, are blinded by it and weren’t even able to see happiness.

I will gentle cover it with my palm. Now you should be able to see it, yes, this is true love.

I shall light the lantern of hope, inside those lapis colored eyes.

->Ace commented how he felt embarrassed just by listen to it -> Riddle realized that connect the first word of every line you will get “I love you” (in original Japanese text) -> Grim commented how everyone in Pomefiore are pretty weird -> Epel “d,don’t lump me together with that!”

Rook is about to start another poem but the ghost said it’s enough -> but then he commented how they are still kind of short ->

Riddle got really upset, he used his unique magic and then burned the ghost up ->but it attracted other ghosts’ attention and they started to attack them -> Epel let the horse back so it won’t get injured -> so they decided to just run into the wedding hall instead -> in hallway, they were attacked by many ghosts, so Riddle decided to stay behind to stall the ghosts

 In wedding hall -> Idia “ ‘Idia used fled’ ‘it’s not effective since he’s stunned’ …some healer please help! I do not have debuff clear skill!” -> a ghost runs in and said some people are trying to forcibly enter -> Jack “in the end they used brute force after all!” -> Azul “who said the plan was to steal the bride’s heart in the beginning again?” -> Cater “I bet 1 bread, that Riddle is the one that got upset first.” -> Floyd “aha, I can see that—then I’ll bet 2 bread on the same side~” -> Jade “that won’t be a bet anymore.” -> Cater “that’s true~!” -> everyone “hahahahaha.” -> Idia “my life is on the line and you can still laugh and talk?!” -> the ghost swear they won’t let intruders to ruin the wedding after princess wished for it for so long.

 On stairway -> more ghosts showed up, and Rook decided to stay behind this time -> Ace is worried -> Epel told him to look at Rook’s expression ->

Rook “I’ve always been wondering how you can hunt ghosts! They don’t seem to have a body, so maybe I can freeze them with magic? Or are they more like fog? Can I put them in a bottle? Ah my hunter blood is boiling for those unknown preys…!” -> ghosts “s… stay away from me!” -> Ace “…he looks like he’s having fun.” ->

 In wedding ceremony -> the ghosts started the wedding vow, but they are so touched that they started crying -> Deuce “we need to stop this somehow!” -> Sebek “but we still can’t move our body!” -> Floyd “I’m tired.” -> Floyd “we can go home if she kissed firefly squid senpai right? Hurry up and do it~~” -> Lilia “he’s right, my back hurts after stand in same position for so long. Just hurry up and give her a smooch.” -> Sebek “Lilia sama has said it! Hurry up and give her the ‘smooch’!” -> Idia “smooch! …If I did that I will die! Are you all demons? Do you not have a human heart? Is this an exhibition for ruthlessness??!?!??”

 Outside -> many ghosts showed in front of Ace Epel again -> Epel stepped up -> but the ghosts aren’t attacking him -> ghost “you are the neighboring country’s princess right? Are you here to attend the wedding?” -> ghost “oh princess, please stay away from that violent intruder! Hurry up and come here…” -> Epel “who…”

Epel “WHO ARE YOU CALLING A PRINCESS--------!!!!!” -> Epel stayed behind to fight the ghosts

 In wedding ceremony -> everyone “kiss! Ki--------ss!!” -> Idia “STOP THE CALLING!!!” -> Lilia “we can’t move anything but our mouth, can’t really do anything and we are bored.” -> Eliza(the ghost princess) “ah, it’s almost midnight… the time for the kiss! After that, I will be forever with Idia in the land of the dead. I, could finally be happy…!” -> “WAIT A SECOND----------!!!!” -> it was Ace -> many ghosts started to attack him and ask the princess to kiss Idia now to finish the wedding -> Idia refuse -> Ace “look at Idia. He hated it so much and is moving every muscle on his face to avoid it. You guys all know your princess made a mistake right!” ->

ghosts “…it was all for the princess. She was so kind and bright, every citizen wishes her the best future, but… suddenly the neighboring country attacked, and everything is gone in one night. We weren’t able to protect her, but the princess never blamed us and she’s always smiling and saying ‘it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. I’m sure someday…’, but there’s no way that she’s fine! Waiting for a prince for 500 years, I can’t imagine how many times have she despaired. We just want to grant 1 single wish of our favorite princess. Our… most important, poor, princess.” -> (player choice: “but you are only increasing the number of poor people.” / “but it’s not good to bother other people.”) -> Ace “haha! MC is right. Besides, there’s no way princess’s ‘perfect prince’ exist. All of you ghosts are just feeding her false hope and made her look for someone that don’t exist for 500 years. I feel like I’ve seen this situation before but… if you feel so bad for her and treat her like glass, that is not consideration at all! You are just having fun while avoid to facing her!” -> Trey “that kind of hurts…” -> Cater “ahaha-…” -> Ace “teach the princess properly! Most important thing about the groom isn’t the look.” -> Eliza “then… how am I supposed to pick the prince beside the look?” -> Ace “I told you, don’t think ‘prince’ as a must. The perfect spouse should be…”

Ace “The person you want to cry and laugh together, the person you want to be together no matter the hard time … someone like that. Don’t make me say something so embarrassing!”

Ace “no one around teaches her something as simple as that? even though you have been with her for 500 years… you basically did nothing for her!” -> Riddle, Rook, and Epel finally showed up. -> Deuce “dorm leader, you are here to save us right! Thank you so…” -> Riddle “Cater! What time is it!?” -> Cater “eh? Emm… the clock said it’s 23:35.” -> Riddle “there’s no time… we have to defeat the ghosts now!” -> Cater “what? What was that?” -> the ghosts are hesitating -> Rook “there’s still time to change now, you don’t want your most important madame angel to become a bad ghost that killed someone right?” -> Eliza “bad ghost? …is he talking about me? I didn’t want to become a bad ghost… I just…!” -> Chubby (one of the ghost) “there’s no need to listen. Princess. You did nothing wrong.” -> Eliza “Chubby…” -> Epel “do you still not understand your own mistakes!?” -> Chubby “mistakes, whatever, I don’t mind. I just want to make the princess happy no matter what. That is my regret… and my wish!” -> Chubby started gained more power -> Rook “this is bad, everyone, get to somewhere safe!” -> Vil “didn’t I told you that we can’t move.” -> Rook “ah that’s right, then… Epel! MC! Roll everyone away like a log!” -> Epel “understood!” -> rolling time -> fighting time

 Chubby is defeated, and everyone is planning to put the ring of extinction on Eliza -> Ace “now, what’s your last word? You can say farewell to your beloved Idia…” ->

the princess runs to Chubby -> Eliza “Chubby… to think you would protect me from bad guys, and become injured like this…” -> Ace “bad guys? …is she talking about us!?” -> Chubby “princess, there’s no need to be sad. It’s my happiness to see your smile…” -> Chubby starts to disappear -> Eliza “no… no, please don’t go! I was able to chase my dreams because of your kind encouragement. I need you! Ah… that’s right. I finally understand it now. My real prince is… Chubby, you!” -> Chubby “Princess… Eliza. Me too, I’ve always adored you ever since I was alive.” -> Eliza “Chubby… I love you.” -> she gives him a kiss -> all of his injures are healed -> Eliza “it’s definitely the power of love!” -> Ace “eh…? What…? What is this? Am I the only one that’s not following this at all?” -> Riddle “no matter how you look we are the bad guy now…” -> Eliza apologized to Idia and announced she’s going to marry her real true love, Chubby -> Idia “why do I feel like I’m dumped even though I was never even confessed!?” -> everyone can move now -> Riddle and Cater runs back to dorm to make tea -> Ace “well, isn’t this great. We don’t need to force you to the other world.” -> Eliza “Yes, after this we are going to our honeymoon.” -> Ortho “it will finally be peaceful in here.” -> Idia “ah—this is too much. Honestly too much, I think I’m going to have ghostphobia.” -> Eliza “next year we will be back with a cute baby, I can’t wait!” -> everyone “don’t come back again--------!!!!”

 The ghosts all disappeared

Crowley: today really was a tough day. But at least, the trouble is solve…

Rook: wait a second, headmaster.

Rook: isn’t here something else that is much more fitting for this story?

Crowley: that is true, ahem…

Crowley: the two lived happily ever after.

Honestly though this event is real fun, nice fan service in the middle with the proposal, and the interaction of everyone who got slapped and Idia is just way too funny. The little twist is also fun with princess and Chubby... honestly is his name actually chubby? I couldn’t believe it at first but that’s the only word I could think of that sounds like チャビー

Tbh I tried to change around Rook’s poem so it works in English but then I realized that I would have to start sentences with letters like v,e,u so small brain me decided to just translate it literally instead