#had to regress the quality by a lot so sad

[eemmoorrii]

happy valentines day from gabriel himself

no text below

[queenlucythevaliant]

Okay, here we go. Rating literary allusions in Taylor Swift songs:

The Outside: "I tried to take the road less traveled by /but nothing seems to work the first few times/am I right?"--Starting off pretty well! She tried to take the road less traveled by, but it didn't make any difference. 8/10

Love Story: Whole song allusion to Romeo and Juliet-- All those 2008 jokes about Taylor not having read R&J weren't funny then and they aren't funny now. It's a fun, satisfying subversion. However, I am going to dock points for the fact that Romeo and Juliet aren't a prince and princess, just rich. 7/10

Love Story: "You were Romeo/I was a scarlet letter"--Is the Juliet character in "Love Story" being publicly shamed? Did she do something scandalous? There are zero other lines in this song to suggest that she did, and a fair amount of evidence that she didn't. This allusion confuses rather than clarifies and tbh this is the one people should've made fun of in 2008. 2/10

New Romantics: "We show off our different scarlet letters/ trust me, mine is better" --Hooray! She figured out what the book is about! This is a beautifully executed allusion, where "scarlet letters" represents a mark of something shameful which, in a fun subversion, is being shown off with pride. Fits the song really well. Most improved award, 11/10

Getaway Car: "It was the best of times, the worst of crimes" (A Tale of Two Cities) -- Goes in the category of "fun wordplay, but doesn't really mean anything deeper" 5/10

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things: "Feeling so Gatsby for that whole year" --This is a perfectly serviceable allusion, but not a super interesting one. Sub "Gatsby" out with "nostalgic" and the song wouldn't change at all. She could've done a lot more with the reference, given the subject matter of the song. 6/10

cardigan: "I knew you/tried to change the ending/Peter losing Wendy" -- This works! You get a sense of Betty losing her innocence and choosing to leave James and of it being inevitable somehow. Plus, it imbues the song with a lovely fairy tale quality. 10/10

illicit affairs: "take the road less traveled by/tell yourself you can always stop" -- To take the road less traveled by is to do something risky, unpopular, or unfamiliar, not just to take a route through town where you won't run into people. Not totally egregious, but the regression from Debut is disappointing. 4/10

invisible string: "and isn't it just so pretty to think/ that all along there was some/ invisible string tying you to me."(The Sun Also Rises)--Ugggggh. Okay, so "Isn't it pretty to think so?" is this sad, tired, ironic note in The Sun Also Rises. Brett tells Jake, "We could have had a damned good time together" and Jake says "Isn't it pretty to think so?" because their whole situationship was never going to work. It's not a positive thing; it's pure, bitter Lost Generation irony. Completely out-of-place in a song about how two people we're supposed to believe will actually work as a couple. This one drives me nuts, and I don't even like Hemingway. 0/10

happiness: "I hope she'll be a beautiful fool/ who takes my spot next to you" (Gatsby)--Saying this about an ex's future SO is so... off. Like, the reason why Daisy hopes her daughter will be a beautiful fool is because it's easy. The two situations have nothing to do with one another, and not in an interesting way. 1/10

The Albatross: whole song allusion to "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner," but most notably "She's the albatross/ she is here to destroy you"--The albatross in the Rime is a good omen. The Mariner shoots is for no reason, and the albatross's death is the ostensible source of bad fortune. I wrote a whole separate post on this here. That said, culturally "albatross=bad omen" is common enough, so whatever. 3/10

I Hate It Here: "I will go to secret gardens in my mind/ people need a key to get to/ the only one is mine" -- I like this one a lot. Exactly the right vibe for the song, trying to escape something miserable by going somewhere pleasant. The key is a nice touch. Poor Archibald. 10/10

The Prophecy: "I got cursed like Eve got bitten" --No Taylor, that's not what happened. Famously, Eve was the biter in that situation. 0/10

Cassandra: whole song allusion -- correct me if I'm wrong (I haven't actually read the Illiad), but my understanding is that Cassandra died fairly far into the Trojan war, and not by burning. 4/10

[cupidspup]

It’s late and I’m bored so enjoy this agere fic I made teehee

꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦

CG! BEN drowned x Little! Reader

(All art is not mine and credit goes to their original artists!)

꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦

CW: Aged up Ben, pet regressor little, feminine little w/ feminine nicknames (this one is heavily indulgent I’m sorry guys 😔✌️), pet regression gear (pet bed, cage, chew toys, ect), alternative paternal nicknames (ex: baba), petre nicknames (puppy and kitty ones are used interchangeably!), a small amount of abandonment feels and loneliness but it’s okay because there’s lots of comfort!!

Summary: You and Ben are having parallel play time but suddenly your abandonment issues and anxiety start to sink in and it starts to make you feel sad and lonely. Luckily Ben is there to make it all better for you! (Self indulgent alert!!)

A/N: I was too lazy to figure out a way to fit in that the setting is Ben’s room in slendermansion into this fic thing so here’s how I’m letting y’all know and I hope that’s okay ८,,◐⩊◐,,ა

-`♡´-

You and Ben are always together, quality time is a huge thing between the two of you and everyone knows that. Wherever he goes you go and wherever you go he goes and you guys love it that way! It’s your version of perfect and you couldn’t ask for more! It even sends butterflies into your tummy when people ask where “your other half is” when one of you is missing from your usual pair. It’s domestic to you in a way and for people to immediately pair you two together in your eyes is something that you find particularly special. Now, you both following each other around isn’t necessarily a codependency thing but it’s just you both genuinely love being around each other!

If there’s a party you both are huddled in a corner either talking or playing games on your phone. When you’re home you’re always cuddled up to him while he’s busy doing his own thing. Most people would think that he’s too inattentive to be a good caregiver but not were they so far from the truth. Ben had actually never had a little until he met you. Much less a little who was also a pet at that. It took a lot of practice and communication but once he got into his own groove for it it’s been nothing but perfect. And ever since he first started caring for you he’s only gotten better by the day.

One of your favorite things to do with Ben is snuggle by him while he plays his video games. It’s something so small and unconventional but it brings you both a lot of joy. He has his gaming set up on a desk in his room. Everything is decorated just the way he likes. But he’s your baba and he loves to spoil you so of course right under his desk he’s has a perfectly pretty pink puppy bed for you complete with your favorite plushies and your favorite blankie. He even went ahead and put some small fairy lights so you wouldn’t be scared of the dark.

So while Ben plays away at his video games every now and then he’ll reach a loving hand down to ruffle your hair and caress your cheek softly. And of course you nuzzle yourself into his hand each and every time, cuddling up to his legs.

And of course today was no different than any other day.

You’ve been cuddled under his desk for about an hour now and Ben has been playing his games for a little longer than that. Initially, you went to your little crawl space to be closer to him and have some more of his attention but it hasn’t worked out quite yet. Ben still hasn’t realized that you want more attention than the occasional head pat!! Isn’t that clear enough already?? So if course as any pet would, you decide to get his attention in the best way you know how.

Pouting while being cute.

You rest your head onto his leg, smushing your cheek right up against it with a little whine. No response. You whine just a tad louder and nuzzle your head with a little more pressure. Nothin. One more louder whine with a little pout rewards you with a loving hand petting your cheeks and the most loving voice from him while he plays. “What’s up little pup?” He says as he softly caresses your face.

As soon as he says it, you feel it in your chest right in your heart. That twinge of pain and hurt is suddenly unlocked. It’s the normal pain you feel but it’s so much stronger when you’re so little and deep in your headspace.

You feel lonely. You feel abandoned somehow, even though he’s been right there this whole time! You know it’s irrational and it makes you feel crazy honestly. It’s hard to cope with it enough as is but while you’re like this? It’s a recipe for a meltdown on its own.

He’s still playing his game but you can tell he’s catching on.

“What’s going on kitty? You okay?”

You nod your head and try to pull back a little from him.

You’re being too much you don’t want to be a bother. This is too much for him it’s all too much. He’s going to leave and he’s going to leave you because you’re leaning on him too much. You have to do this on your own, you’re able to do this on your own why make him do this? He’s always playing and this is why, he needs an escape. An escape from you, you’re going to end up alone and it’ll be your fault.

The thoughts are coming in and they’re coming in fast. They’re bad and they’re overwhelming it feels like you’re suffocating from them alone. You want to cling onto him but it’s scary. He’s already so busy and you don’t want to be a bother more than you already have been.

The sound of Ben’s game being completed is what breaks you out of your own ruminating. He takes a second to stretch before pushing himself away from his desk and out of his seat. This pulls at your heartstrings, it hurts you to your core in the worst way. You curl up under the desk into your blanket, it’s the only thing that can comfort you right now.

It’s what you think at first at least.

At first, it looks like Ben was going to leave the room but once he was out of his chair, nice and stretched he comes down and sits on the floor with you. Chair and game aside he’s on your level with you.

“Baby, what’s up with you? I’m right here you can tell me anything, you know that.” He says with a comforting tone. When he looks at you it’s not judgmental or annoyed. Nothing of the sort at all. It’s calm and patient. The complete opposite of what you thought he would have been.

“Kitten are you having bad thoughts again?” He says as he inches closer. “It’s okay if you are don’t worry. You know your baba cares about you. I’d never be upset at you for that.” You pause and refuse to look into his eyes, you can’t seem to meet them even though he says it’s okay. You nod at him, confirming his suspicion. Curling into yourself further you hold your blanket closer for comfort. Ben sits for a bit to think before joining you under the desk, right in your crawl space. “Well I know there’s not a whole lot I can do to make your thoughts stop-but I know I can do a lot about how you feel about them. I’m not going anywhere at all, puppy. I promise you that, as a matter of fact I’ll stay here in your puppy space for as long as you want me to.” He wraps his arm around your shoulders and brings you in for a cuddle, which you silently accept. You nuzzle into him and the fabric of his hoodie wipes the tears that were forming in your eyes. He gives you a soft kiss on the top of your head and gently rubs your back. “That’s it pup, just relax for me.” You let out all the air you were holding in and snuggle up to him more. And it’s just like that. The two of you snuggled under his desk in your little crawl space.

It’s a nice comfort but very unfamiliar. Ben doesn’t really come down here since it’s YOUR space. You lift your head to look at him only to find him looking at the things you have under the desk with you.

He dusts off the scattered pacis you have, tidies up your various tethers and chew toys, and even organizes your various stuffed friends.

“You’ve got a nice setup, kitten. I can’t believe you had all this going on right under me.” He looks at you and his pointed ears wiggle just a tad. It makes you smile a little bit, it’s a thing he does sometimes without even realizing it most of the time. It’s something that happens really when he’s spending his time with you. He smiles and picks up one of the plushies you have under there with you. A gift from him of course. “Awe you got that thing I got you here. What’s this guy’s name again?? Rico?? Luka???”

You giggle and scrunch your face at him a little.

“Nu uh! Rilakkuma!!” You say in response as he picks up your other plushie.

“Oh yeah and his friend Corey” he says as he puts them together.

You laugh and shake your head no as you point to the plushie, “Nooo that’s Korilakkuma! You’re being silly!!” Ben pretends to be shocked at both the name and at your accusations.

“Gasp that is not TRUE! I am being sooo serious right now how could you kitten? I thought we were FRIENDS!” He says with a playful tone as he cuddles the bears together. “I’m gonna go cuddle with my REAL FRIENDS Rico and Corey now that I’ve been WOUNDED by my kitty.” His ears droop for dramatic effect. This of course makes you giggle even more. “Babaaaaa! Noooo!” He cuddles them close and starts talking to them, “Cmon guys they obviously don’t know what they’re talking about.” This throws you into a laughing fit and it completely shifts your mood. Ben is always the best at helping with that. He’s not a big fan of being like this in front of others but when it’s just you two? You get a side of him that no one else sees and it’s your perfect dynamic, hust the way you want it. He’s a doting caregiver through and through.

Ben being the self-appointed internet god he is, of course he knows these characters and their real names! You’ve talked about them before and he sees them all the time! He just loves to tease you and make you laugh. ♡

He hands you one of your beloved bears back (Korilakkuma) and keeps the other. Making his gives your a big hug. “See my bear is hugging yours because they love each other and I love you too, kitten. ♡ you’re always going to be mine and I’ll always take care of you. Leaving you would be just as upsetting to me as it would be to you-I’d never do a thing like that to you cutie. I promise”

You give him a big hug and bury yourself into his neck a little. And he hugs you right back because he’s secretly just as much of a cuddle bug as you are. “I love you puppy”

“I love you too baba”

“Wanna sit on my lap and watch while I do my stuff? We can do something else if you’d prefer that” he asks with a little smile. You’d nod and you leave your arms out to him. He gets up and lifts you up into his arms and take a seat with you. You settle into your rightfully taken throne (Ben’s lap) and lean against his chest. He drapes a loving and protective arm around you and uses the other to turn his pc back on. With a kiss on your head, a plushie in your arms and your little gear on stand by it’s the perfect setup.

You point at the can of monster on his desk and make a lil noise.

He moves the can away from you, “Nope. Sorry baby, little puppies like you can’t have any of that.” He leans down and opens his creeper mini fridge (yes he has one) and takes out a juice box for you instead. “I can however, give you this instead. That sound good?”

You nod and take the juice box, sipping happily as you watch Ben play his games. It’s a lovely routine you two have and you couldn’t ask for more.

Just like that, everything is back to perfect and you wind up spending your day with him like you usually do. Curled up in his lap like a good kitty and spending time with him like usual.♡

꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦

A/N: WOof this took FOREVER and I initially planned on posting sneak leaks but I never was able to like write enough for that but I’ve been up since 5 am and I’ve been writing and it’s honestly come together so nicely and so much better than I thought it would?? I dunno if it’s obvious but this is so incredibly self indulgent it’s not even funny lol I hope you guys liked it nonetheless! I have so much more planned (especially with Ben and Toby as caregivers) and I can’t wait to share that with you! Love you guys!

-Puppy 🐶ིྀ🐾♡₊ ⊹

[immeasurablesaladagere]

Hi! I love your TUA content 💕. Can you please do some cg Viktor and regressor five headcanons? They have such a good dynamic and there's so little agere five content in this world. And Viktor being a unexpected cg makes so much sense with their past with kids (with Harlan but also their violin tutoring.)

(chanting) Little Five, little Five, little Five, little Five.

In my mind, unless you waterboarded it out of him, Viktor is the only one who would know about Five's regression on purpose. Eventually his other siblings might find out by accident, but that would be despite efforts made by the both of them to keep it quiet for Five's comfort.

Five's pretty soft when he's regressed. Not shy or sensitive, just like... subdued almost. Calmer. It's a good match for Viktor, who probably would have a hard time handling someone more rowdy. He doesn't seem like the chasing-the-child-around type, more a gentle guiding hand.

Five likes to be helpful, and that usually translates to helping Viktor cook or tidy. Viktor used to be hesitant to let him help because he wanted Five's time being small to be relaxing, but eventually he figured out that spending quiet time together doing little tasks was relaxing for Five. It was the quality time he had been missing for years.

I don't see either of them as huge cuddlers, however there would be lots of small displays of physical affection, like Viktor rubbing Five's arm or brushing his hair with his fingers, or Five sitting a little closer than strictly necessary.

The exception to this would be post-nightmare or panic attack where Five would sit in Viktor's lap with his arms and legs wrapped around him, and they'll just sit like that until Five's grounded enough to either fall asleep or come back around.

Five is well-behaved 99% of the time, but he's also a little kid with the logical thought process of a savant, so he knows exactly how to be a little shit and get away with it. He is very well aware he can get anything from Viktor with a please or a slightly sad look, he just chooses not to (unless it's to get a few extra treats here and there, or a slightly unhealthy PB&Marshmallow sandwich for lunch).

Viktor knows he's weak, sue him.

The rare chance they're able to go, the library is a good place for a day out. Five gets to pick out some new books, and they both get a public place that's quiet where everyone's minding their business.

Viktor frequently has to remind Five not to teleport because he has less control of the destination while regressed and it's such a habit for him that he'll just jump without thinking.

Little Five's not used to walking so much, his legs hurt :(

No he will not accept the offer of a piggyback, he's too good for that, thank you.

[jacksdinonuggets]

Lil Vaggie and cg Husk? Him being the only one available to take care of Vaggie and is all grumpy/annoyed since he has to stay sober for her, but finally ends up warming up to her and having a good time?

Becoming Soft

“Thank you sooo much, Husk! You have no idea how much I appreciate it!” Charlie exclaimed in Husk’s face. Charlie had managed to get angel an interview with heaven to try and get him redeemed or at least have his contract with Val destroyed. Alastor had come along if Lute were to try any funny business. Vaggie meant to come with Charlie to show support, but she had gotten way too stressed out about it the day before and ended up regressing that morning. Knowing that heaven would just cause her to be more overwhelmed, Charlie thought she should stay. However, Carmilla was very busy with meetings and so was Rosie, so the only one who could watch over Vaggie was Husk. Nifty technically could, but she kinda scared Vaggie at times.

“It’s fine, princess. I’m used to having to look after whiney bitches,” He kind of grumbled before taking a swig of liquor.

“Husk.. don’t use the words around Vaggie. She’s very sensitive! Also-” Charlie grabbed the liquor bottle from his hands and vanished it, “No drinking. Even though I know you can handle alcohol pretty well, I need you to be at least a little sober for her.”

“That wasn’t part of our deal!” He yelled. Vaggie, who was holding Charlie’s hand the whole time, got scared by his yelling and tried to hide behind Charlie’s leg, whimpering. Charlie saw this and knelt down to her.

“Shh, it’s okay, baby.” She tried to comfort her.

“He mad with me, he mad with me!” She whimpered. Volume was something that was very important with Little Vaggie. If someone raised their voice, she would automatically assume that they were mad at her. That was because of Adam.

“Little one, he’s not mad at you. Why don’t you go play with your toys in the lobby while I talk with him, okay?” Charlie told her. She hesitated but nodded and went to the lobby.

“Please watch your tone with her,” Charlie urged, “She hates it when people raise their voice,”

“Well maybe I would watch it if I was allowed to drink,” He said. Charlie sighed and pulled out a lot of cash.

“I’ll pay you all of this and restock the bar if you don’t drink while we are out,” She offered. He sighed.

“Fine.” Husk grumbled and put away all the alcohol at the bar.

“Thank you Husk! We’ll see you in a couple hours!” She said, waving goodbye and leaving with the group.

Vaggie was sitting in the lobby on her tummy, drawing. Husk sighed and went over to her.

“So, what’re you doing, kiddo?” He sat down next to her. 

“M dwawing da hotel,” She told him, barely looking up from her paper. It looked very similar to Charlie’s crayon drawings but vaggie’s was a little more…childlike, when it came to the quality. It probably was considered good for her mental age, but her physical, eh.

“It uhh, it looks good,” Husk said. Because he was starting to sober up, it was hard to be enthusiastic. 

Vaggie didn’t say anything and kept drawing. She was pretty nervous about having Husk babysit her. After he raised his voice, she kind of felt like she had to walk on eggshells around him. But luckily, after an hour she started to warm up to him.

Husk was resting his eyes for a moment, trying to fight off his headache. He made sure to look over and watch Vaggie every once a while.

“Husky! Wook!” She tried showing him the drawing she made. However, he was still feeling pretty grumpy from before and his headache only made it worse.

“That’s nice, kiddo,” He said, barely glancing at it. 

“Bu…you didn’t see it,” She replied, a little sad. Husk made a little groan and sat up straight and took the drawing in his hands. It was a picture of him. Sure, it wasn’t great, but something about it made him feel happy. Like the kind of happiness you’d get when someone gives you a gift. He couldn’t quite explain it.

“This is amazing, kid! Thank you. You’re a little artist, huh?” He pulled her into a hug and ruffled her hair. She giggled and nodded. He looked over and saw that she was trying to draw all the residents. It was honestly adorable.

After that, he started to become a lot less irritated. He was warming up to her and tried to play with her. He was a little nervous when she suggested they play tea party, but it was actually quite nice! He did have to help her make the tea (Which he may or may not have given her chamomile) since she was a bit too young to use the kettle. He got out the cookies from the top shelf and set them out on the coffee table with the tea. Vaggie had all her stuffies sitting around the table with their own small cups. 

The tea party eventually had to end when Vaggie started getting sleepy. Husk laid her down on the couch with a soft blanket. As he started cleaning up, Vaggie’s wings suddenly popped out. He got a little worried for a second because the wings coming out could mean 3 things. Either she was really relaxed, really happy, or her body was trying to protect her. The latter was usually when she was feeling any negative emotions. Sometimes she would be afraid of being seen as weak, and her wings would try and hide her. But it could also be used to self-soothe when she was feeling upset.

Luckily, Vaggie just seemed to be relaxed. There was nothing indicating that she was having a nightmare, so Husk continued to clean up. He smiled and brushed her hair out of her face. She was adorable. Maybe Husk was turning soft. But it was okay, only for the little one.

[laddies-rambles]

hey, buggabee?

this is in response to your vent, okay?

you’re right, it’s super duper sucky that regression is your coping mechanism because it’s not an “easy” or “simple” one, and you’re absolutely right you SUUUUUPER did not deserve any of it; you did not deserve to be hurt the ways you were or to deal with that crap ever at all, and it’s so so unfair that he gets to walk around and pretend like it didn’t happen. i promise you that i understand as much as possible how it is you’re feeling and the lots of bad emotions you have to carry about it, bug. and the fact that people keep leaving when you open up to them is super upsetting, i know firsthand what that’s like, and i know how much it hurts you right now little one. you don’t deserve to go through that kind of thing and your feelings are entirely understandable and justified and valid. i get it, buggabee, i do.

but, kiddo, i really don’t think it’s you. the people who can’t comprehend how you cope or who choose not to understand just are like that, unfortunately, and it’s super duper sad but sometimes the people in our life come and go and it’s just a natural process. i can tell you right away that it’s not you; you’re not some kind of “problem” that you have to fix. im gonna say that again, you’re truly not a “problem” that needs to be fixed. i know how bad it hurts to have people get up and leave, especially when they’ve been there a long time, but you didn’t do anything wrong and you should try not to tell yourself that you’re the reason they left. you’re a really kind, caring, and creative person, and you’re using these blogs to help both yourself and other people! someone noble like that, that’s not someone that “is an issue”.

i know it might not feel like it but you’re doing really well. im fairly new to your pages and i love the community you’ve built here!, and i can see so many good qualities in you that make you a delight to be around!! i know it might not feel like it a lot of the time, but it will get better. the bad feelings will seem less ginormous in you brain and you’ll feel better about yourself and life in general as you keep moving; i’ll be here, the super close people you’ve had for years in your life will be here, and all the rest of your anons who frequent your pages will be here to remind you of how good you’re doing!! there are multiple people both behind and in front of the screen that are proud of you <3

i know this won't make the bad feelings go away, but maybe this’ll comfort them? like a blanket over them because yes they hurt and yes they’re real but they’re also protected and cared about and admired and loved and respected in so many ways <3

-🕷️💫

🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂 thank you

[sshbpodcast]

Top Five Star Trek VOY Episodes

by Ames

We made it back to the Alpha Quadrant, y’all, and it was a pretty good trip! Overall, we’d say Star Trek: Voyager is a pretty decent contender for one of the best series in the franchise. Sure, we here at A Star to Steer Her By are probably still on Team DS9 for the most part, but our plucky friends lost in the Delta Quadrant are at least giving TOS and TNG a run for their money in terms of overall episode quality, character development, and consistency. Hell, TNG’s first season alone brings its average way down, so it might be a pretty close race!

Considering Voyager usually gets overlooked on a good day and unfairly criticized on a bad day, it’s a damn good show with a lot of stunning episodes that leave the audience invested, affected, and ready for more. And now that we’re out of episodes, we’ve assembled our favorites of the series for you to warp through below, and/or listen to on our finale episode of the podcast (series discussion at 1:29:20) which features even more picks from guest star Liz. Bon voyage, Voyager!

[images © CBS/Paramount]

“False Profits”: Chris We’d be remiss if we didn’t include some of the fluffy comedy shit Chris loves (I’m just as shocked as you are that it’s not Bride of Chaotica!), so here’s a very funny yet very Star Trek example that brings back the two Ferengi all the way from TNG’s “The Price.” It’s a pretty deep cut for a reference, but they certainly run with it in an ultimately satisfying way, complete with putting Ethan Phillips back in Ferengi makeup, as we saw in TNG’s “Ménage à Troi” and will see again in Enterprise’s “Acquisition.”

“Course: Oblivion”: Ames Just for the whiplash of it all, let’s pivot from a fun romp of an episode to a deeply depressing, tragic episode in “Course: Oblivion.” The inevitable demise of all the Silver Blood Duplicates is like watching a slow-motion car crash: you know what’s going to happen is going to be upsetting but you can’t tear your eyes away. And the nihilist cherry on top of this ice cream cone of sadness is that their message never even gets through! It’s so successful at being so bleak!

“Memorial”: Caitlin Let’s kick off a handful of noteworthy episodes that examine how we connect with and remember history, starting with a space genocide that plays out in the memories of anyone who happens along as both a memorial to its people and a not-so-subtle disparagement of Holocaust deniers. The post-traumatic stress disorder that the crew displays is also expertly done, making their reactions to atrocity something personal and all the more intriguing, like “The Inner Light” on a whole ship’s scale.

“Remember”: Caitlin Before getting saddled with Paris, B’Elanna Torres had some really good character work early on, and her living out the moments in the life of an Enaran woman in her dreams gives Roxann Dawson quite a lot to play with. We also did a lot of comparing this episode to the classic “The Inner Light,” and for good reason! Dawson really shines in this role, and we also get a spellbinding portrayal of the really troubling Enaran culture and their genocide of the Regressives.

“Blink of an Eye”: Jake One of the cleverest episodes of Voyager comes in this fast-paced planet that develops quicker than you can ascertain, and thus allows for us to view the full evolution of a culture’s advancements in perfect little vignettes. And it all culminates with a hopeful and touching moment with one of Jake’s favorite characters, Gotana-Retz, finally connecting with the ship that has shaped his planet’s history and saving their asses.

“Distant Origin”: Ames Here’s another episode that’s almost too clever for its own good. The Galileo allegory is so strong and fascinating that we entirely accept that some sapient dinosaurs left earth at some point, which should be so silly as to utterly distract from the episode, but Forra Gegen is just so earnest and his plight to open the eyes of his people to their forgotten history so reasonable that we just go with it! Plus Chakotay is probably the most in character he ever gets to be all series long and it’s great to watch!

“Death Wish”: Chris While Q is at his best when paired with Jean-Luc, and his other appearances in Voyager may stretch credulity a little bit, this episode shows us a side of the Continuum that is refreshing and new. Quinn’s depiction of life as a Q as a prison is rather fascinating, and he expertly plays a compassionate character whom you root for even though you feel conflicted by it because his winning the trial will result in his death. But that’s the kind of moral conflict that Star Trek plays so well!

“Nothing Human”: Caitlin Speaking of moral conflicts, we’ve got another ethical debate on our hands in this allegory to Nazi medical experiments. While everyone here on the podcast was firmly in the camp that it is okay to use medical knowledge obtained through deplorable means, it’s still a fascinating reminder to see the full context of what it means to use data from someone like the Cardassian Josef Mengele. The science fiction lens of this real-world allegory is just what Star Trek is for.

“Relativity”: Ames I have such a soft spot for this episode. I’m a sucker for a really interesting use of time travel in storytelling, and the way this episode is structured: chef’s kiss. The twist that it was a crazed future Braxton the whole time. Yes. The weirdly sexy dynamic between Seven and Ducane. I’m there for it. And the best thing of all is seeing Jeri Ryan in a Starfleet uniform, looking fly as hell! Her character journey is now complete because someone finally dressed her well.

“Eye of the Needle”: Jake Another very soft spot of ours is in this season-one episode featuring another of Jake’s favorite Voyager characters. This is the first time (of many) that the Voyager comes this close to finding a way back home to the Alpha Quadrant only to have those hopes dashed to bits by circumstance. It’s so Voyager-specific a story that it’s actually quite perfect. So many episodes could be TNG in Voyager clothes, but it’s episodes like this one that really gave a particular voice to the show.

“Homestead”: Caitlin The literal journey the Voyager characters go on is a big part of the whole series (even when they dipsy doodle around on sidequests so often), and the most complete and meaningful character journey is Neelix’s. Throughout the show, we’ve seen him grow as he got further and further from his homeworld, became an important fixture on the ship, and developed friendships with the other characters (like Tuvok, as you’ll see in a moment). So the closure his character gets in “Homestead” is too perfect for words.

“Riddles”: Caitlin, Chris The Neelix-Tuvok relationship is on full display here. Where normally they’re paired together for the comedy of an odd-couple dynamic, this episode really shows the love these two have for each other. And Tim Russ acts his butt off as a Tuvok who is struggling to recuperate from a serious injury, trying to find himself again, and being supported by his best friend. It’s so good that it didn’t even make Caitlin’s tops list of that season, but has reemerged in the finals!

“Jetrel”: Chris, Jake One more Neelix episode to round out his character, and this is one of the early ones. We’ve already talked about some good allegories on this list for Galileo and Mengele, and appropriately for this moment, we’ve got another great scifi lens to view Robert Oppenheimer (almost said Barbie, but alas). Jetrel is a fascinating character just like Oppie, but Neelix really steals the show with the remorse he feels for draft dodging and then surviving an atrocity that would have killed him. Damn, those are some deep layers for a usually fun character.

“Year of Hell”: Ames, Jake This may be one of the best two-parters in Star Trek, as it never lost momentum and its conclusion was that jaw-dropping kind of satisfying that marks really good writing. Watching the ship and crew getting more and more wounded over the course of the two-parter was excellent to see, and the character Annorax is one of our favorite Voyager villains. And for good reason! Kirkwood Smith infuses that character with such humanity and resolve you almost root for him. Almost.

“Living Witness”: Ames, Chris, Jake Finally, the episode with the most votes from your SSHB hosts is yet another original way of looking at how people represent history, and how so much of it is told through the biased lens of whoever’s in charge. But the best thing about “Living Witness” is how much the actors get to really ham it up by portraying evil versions of their usual characters. It’s like doing a mirror universe episode, but more thought provoking, less contrived, and less doofy.

—

See also: our Bottom Five Star Trek VOY Episodes list. And why not: here’re all the seasonal tops and bottoms from seasons 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7!

Welcome back to Earth! We hope you had as great a time following along with Janeway and crew throughout the series, but we’ve got more Star Trek on the way! Next on the docket is the one you’ve no doubt been waiting for, so make sure you’re following along here as we finally fill out the classic Trek roster with Star Trek: Enterprise in our watchthrough on SoundCloud or wherever you get your podcasts. You can also hail us on Facebook and Twitter, and give one final toast: To the Journey!

[journel]

sept 30 2023

i have logged into tumblr for the first time in a while, simply because i needed to verify my account since i haven't been on here in years.

today i read my only entry on here, dated in 2017.

i am now 24 years old. i learn every day.

i sit in the sun, go on long walks, obsess over sudoku, struggle to get work done, think and talk nonsense (both alone and with my lovely friends), and i study the world.

the inescapable issue of being alive, what once felt like a daily battle and a crushing reminder of an inconsequential existence, now animates and orients my life. i'm hesitant to say that quality this gave me a 'purpose', but in a sense, my desire to interrogate what life is has kept me going.

while that statement seems contradictory, it is precisely that which i am grateful for: the things that, at one point, made me want to die are what kept me alive.

yet, at the time i wrote my last entry, i was 18 years old- just 7 days into being an adult, recently graduated high school. i was reflecting (as i usually did at the time) on my existence.

prior to making that post, i had only known what i didn't want– it was the life i knew so far because i felt that was all there was.

i will fill you in on some context: i had lost friends, made new ones, and repeated that cycle over and over as i moved around 4 places. i was uncomfortable in my body, in that community, and in this world.

existence, for me, was dominated by terrible feelings and experiences, amid permeating, unsolvable questions.

i was 5 years old when i felt this for the first time. i stayed up late a lot, and one night i asked myself what 'nothingness' felt like. for a brief moment, i laid in bed and felt the weight of this; it was terrifying and liberating.

growing up religious, mostly in a small community (i'm queer, mixed-race, and a leftist, hello tumblr community), i felt uncomfortable, but i didn't know why. i was poor, my friends were usually rich.

my mom mostly raised me, and was constantly ruled by statistics on 'children raised by single mothers'- god forbid an immigrant mother on top of that! my, at one point, separated-but-still-living-together parents would fight often and intensely. my relationship with my 'sometimes' emotionally abusive father was, and remains, complicated.

my parents didn't know how i could be unhappy. i felt like i was betraying them, but it also felt like no one wanted to listen.

i did a lot of drugs, drank, and lived recklessly. somehow, i also put pressure on myself in nearly every aspect of my life, even though i felt like i didn't care about anything. still, it felt like people wanted that from me and i knew at the very least that i cared about people (just not myself). i had a jam-packed schedule and stayed up at night smoking weed and making (really sad) art.

i hurt myself a lot – i battered, kicked, squeezed, and sliced parts of myself that i hated – because i wanted to feel something else. i think i was working up the courage to get used to embracing the scary and desirable feeling of 'nothingness' again. in my head, none of the pain truly mattered because all of this would be meaningless soon.

at the risk of sounding thankless, i understood, and understand now, how this was animated by occasional joys– sharing ideas, making art, taking care of my dog, or long walks in the woods, for example, made me feel good. i chased that, but it was never adequate. it seemed like everyone else was doing better.

so, what i knew then beyond botched interpretations of theory, the feedback loop of pro-ana forums, nihilist posts, comedowns, and the complicated inner voice of depression and inadequacy was that i was a) confused, and b) going to be 'sad' forever.

to be fair, i wasn't wrong: i think i have existential depression. if you've been on tumblr much, i want to note that this is not a harmful regression via self-diagnosis. instead, i don't feel like it's something i have to fight or maintain. i accept it as a part of me.

an inkling of who i am today was present then, however it couldn't be apprehended; it stayed dormant in the back of my mind. what limited me was my inability to see it, to explore it, engender it, and live a life without fragmenting myself.

without neglecting how 18 year old me was probably a fully-formed and constituted person, i was everyone and i was no one. i continued being like this for a bit, and to be honest, i still find myself fighting that feeling today.

that 18-year-old version of me didn't know i would move to a new city in autumn, and that things, would in fact, get pretty bad. i was left to my own devices (not a good idea). today i see that as a valuable experience, and i fight the feeling that it was wasted time.

it's simultaneously educational, sad, and comical, but here's a brief list of things that happened after high school:

moved to a new city where i basically knew no one

proceeded to not meet anyone (except weirdos 2x my age)

got a job that was emotionally and physically exerting

used this alientation to my benefit

at the apex of my eating disorder, lost 30-40 lbs

took 4-5 different types of depression medications

was cold, sick, and tired 24/7

lost my closest high school friends in a dramatic and terrible way

crashed a car that didn't belong to me, lost all my money

wept often and intensely (didn't lose that)

moved back home after admitting defeat

went off my SNRIs cold turkey (bad withdrawals)

worked as a marketing coordinator (???) at a car dealership (???) in a small town (???)

after 2 years, made some of my money back

decided to apply for university

moved to another city (where i am now)

life didn't immediately get better; it would be cheating to say i woke up one day and it was amazing. i did do a lot of work to heal though, plus started a new career and met pretty great people (external validation actually helps a lot).

since i moved, i have also encountered a lot of genuinely shitty stuff, but i feel like i needed to repeat mistakes and really struggle to keep going and realize i could actually live. it was survival mode for so long.

i had a breakthrough the other day in therapy, where i realized that my eating disorder and my perfectionist mentality kind of took me out of that sedentary depression. it's contradictory, again, to say this, but its in these aspects of things, things that were literally killing me, that i could be alive.

the concoction i ended up with from these ~formative~ experiences– that is of, confusion (a lot of questions about the world, my existence, etc.) and the desire to change, to push myself, and to struggle– mix together to form a version of me that wants to live and, in being alive, upset the damage my younger self accrued.

i'm still building up the courage to say i am actually doing quite well now. it feels wrong to admit, because right now i want to hold that 18 year old version of myself and just listen to her. i do listen, she was onto something– she just didn't have the words yet. she also didn't know what 'recovery' could look like.

this world can be described as terrible, great, wicked, scary, fun, boring, and every other adjective created in it.

it is in this ambiguousness that i find a strange bit of solace.

i realize that i made the right decision sticking it out.

sometimes you hate yourself, and you wish you didn't have to fight so hard. i can admit that this is the way i feel now in my (multiplicitous) use of the word 'recovery', and say i am doing pretty good. it still feels strange to say that here.

life is messy, chaotic, complex. it can feel arbitrary and stupid, happy and sad, but that doesn't mean it has to be over.

[amphiptere-art]

For more context behind this.

I unfortunately if you've never really noticed. I didn't like solar. There was the general sour impression that he was an eclipse replacement. But eventually I thought I would warm up to his character though. He had his own sort of stuff, and as long as I ignored he was some sort of eclipse. It was okay. But he just never really went that far for me. Sure his situation was definitely something to feel sad about. It's not a great situation. But we just didn't spend much time there, and solar himself locked it in a box so well it never really came to the forefront. It was a more cold back that if you thought about it made you feel sad. But it never really came up anywhere else.

Otherwise he was this basic, soft Eclipse, subpar therapist, tech guy.

That's what in my opinion he was and always stayed like. Solar never really changed. Solar never really had an arc. He just existed as that other guy. I know everyone complains about the fact that Sun is essentially a side character. But at least he's a side character with flavor. Solar's most flavor was his absolutely regressed abusive backstory. Which never came up into anything except for a couple of specific episodes.

As much as solar had that single touch he didn't have much else for me. He would never have worked as an eclipse replacement. That idea already soured me to him, And I will point out over and over again that they have zeros similarities other than creation. So unfortunately to me Solar had nothing to offer. He was a tech guy. He was sort of the family therapist before Earth existed. And while he seemed to work fantastically in situations where Earth needed or could not give therapy. He was basically replaced in that role by her. Meaning that by the time he has apparently died. He has become nothing more than the extra tech guy.

Now just prefacing this. I understand this is probably the most unliked opinion ever. A lot of people like solar. I can see a lot of reasons why people like solar. He's a reasonably good guy with an interesting past if you look at it. Maybe he did work as your eclipse replacement. Maybe he does work as the little family therapist. Maybe you like his tech stuff.

But this entire opinion is unfortunately biased. I will not deny I am completely biased in my opinion about Solar. It's definitely not looking in the nooks and crannies, and I'm definitely not reaching out to look for his good qualities. So I apologize in advance we're upsetting anyone. You were warned above.

This is a really probably unpopular opinion. Like I'm serious. Also probably a sick internal joke to myself. So if you like Solar don't look down below. I just have have had this rolling throughout my brain ever since solar's death.

[hermajestyimher]

Hypergamy Is a Myth. Why "Leveling Up" Culture Should Not be Mixed with Hypergamy Tradwife.

Over the past few years I've been guilty of propping up and identifying with the hypergamous label. This was due to my belief at the time that the growing hypergamy online community had good intentions pertaining to the advancements of women's dating standards and therefore life. I saw how the levelling up community around me slowly but surely seemed to merge with the up-and-coming hypergamous online circles, which at the time I didn't question much and decided to go with their flow.

The idea of dating up, in theory, sounds very enticing, especially when we live in a society where straight women have very few decent options in terms of suitable mates, and where many women have had to go through traumatic situations with bottom of the barrel men in the past and who now want better for themselves.

On the surface, hypergamy sounds good. The issue for me began to arise after noticing people with ulterior agendas trying to weaponize the concept of hypergamy to sneak in female submission, negging, and overall brainwashing to strip women out of their personal agency and power in order to be "worthy" of being in a relationship with a wealthy man. "Never talk about your accomplishments, men don't care about them" "be quiet and dainty, expressing negative emotions is a masculine trait" "be highly agreeable and don't challenge your man, he's your head and leader" "being a domestic house wife is more fulfilling than being a career woman" "always be hyperaware of how the way you dress and express yourself comes across to men, you don't want to appear masculine!" "no man wants to be with an independent woman, being independent is masculine", among other onslaughts of misogynistic and sexist vitriol.

The sad part is that this sort of regressive content picked up a lot of esteem, especially among black "femininity" communities in places like YouTube and here on Tumblr since 2018, and in my opinion, paved the way for online incels and pick me to create this sub-culture that is based on the degradation of women and the expectations that we should go back to being second-class beings stripped our agency and humanity as used to happen decades and centuries ago, evident by the rise in podcasts and viral content of the sort in social media. It brought a novel movement that aimed for women to level up in their lives and grow as people to become saturated with content asking them to shrink themselves, to not take up too much space in order to not inconvenience the male ego.

The truth is that the vast majority of people marry within their social class. Rich men and educated men almost never marry women who are of lower social class and education, and this becomes particularly relevant with old-money individuals. Actual men of high value and class want their equivalent as a partner. The fantasy that a strong character, education, and professional achievements are not needed to attract quality men, and that they in fact might be counterproductive to it, is a lie from the pits of hell designed by misogynists to keep women dependent on men and to lower their personal agency. Any man that doesn't care for or feels threatened by your achievements is not a man you want to entertain.

The men that the women who refuse to chase a career or professional path date are almost never the kind of men they expected to attract based on the lies hypergamy has sold them, to begin with. So now they're stuck with an abusive partner that doesn't see or treat them like their equal and their options to rid themselves of that relationship are limited because they don't have the educational background or experience to stand on their own two feet. Is that really what want you for your life?.

If your goal is to date and marry a man of higher social status, you first need to raise above your own social status to put yourself in spaces where that potential partner could be and to seem desirable to them as well. This requires effort, nothing good in life comes easy (which is why the hypergamous wishful thinking is so popular among lazy and uneducated women, it makes them believe that they can easily have their lives solved with very little effort put on their part and at the expense of men).

We do not live in a Disney fantasy movie where prince charming will magically drop into your lap while you serve him as a waitress at a restaurant or while you watch videos online on how to be the best domestic wife. Instances of these sorts of scenarios are of one in a million. Levelling up should be always first about and for you, anything else that comes after you've bettered yourself is extra and that includes relationships. Levelling up should never be tainted by subjugation masqueraded as hypergamy, and hypergamy is largely a myth. The sooner you realize these things, the sooner you'll be able to call BS on the plethora of online propaganda spewed to keep you and other women dependent on men and you'll be able to raise above the brainwashing.

[fagexe]

Cw: Umbrella Academy spoilers

Tldr: I'm very sad about the quality of the new season because I really liked the past two seasons and the parts of the comic that I've seen

I was initially planning on spacing out the series and watching a couple of episodes a week to enjoy it, but that did not happen.

Instead, I watched an episode last night and hate watched the rest today

*This is basically just a list of complaints*

Overall: All of the characters have regressed or are just entirely acting out of character, and I don't know why. I understand the changes in Allison and Victor make sense (a little bit less in Allison's case but at least there's a reason for it) but why the ffuck is Luther suddenly incredibly clueless and naive? Like he's always been like that yes but like this season is a whole new level.

SloaneXLuther:

L: oh, are you honey potting me?

S: why would you think I would do that I would never (having given no evidence that she would never)

S: Oh no! are you honey potting me?

L: why would you think I would do that I would never (having given no evidence that he would never)

L: Oh no it's you, you're the one who's honey potting me!

S: no it's just my family, I would never (still having given no evidence)

S: Oh no it's you, you're the one who's honey potting me!

L: no it's just my family, I would never (still having given no evidence).

S: Oh, okay. come in my room let's fuck

L: good plan

Fucking shut up oh my god! Neither of you have any reason to trust the other or any reason to be attracted to each other other than like a base level physical attraction, please be quiet and stop

SloaneXLuther2: EXCUSE ME? He knew her for like several hours before deciding he was in love. And like, okay, Luther's being Luther, but a second character also acting like this? They fuck once and now they're in love and they're going to get married? OH OK! I mean, I get the world is ending, sure, but like still crying over your dead husband that you've known for 2 days???

Klaus: Somehow being the most effective and useful one <3

Klaus part 2: How does he know that woman is related to his mother???? He has no reason to know that! He just walked up to some random Amish woman and decided that was his mom and just said "Mom?" it wasn't even his mom it was his mom's sister at that. Doesn't make any fucking sense. Second, why did they all react like that. If she was actually getting upset, sure, react with hostility, but like he wasn't even in the room when Klaus came over to talk to her and then suddenly they're all chasing him with pitchforks??! They (the show runners) just wanted a reason for them to have to leave quickly and I don't like it. Also why the heck would she give him that book? How is she faster than everyone? what?

Klaus part 3: Suddenly so trusting!!! Unacceptable! Give him one chance, okay, but he's literally doing the exact same thing your old dad did and experimenting on you. Why are you continuing to trust him?? Doesn't make any sense, don't like it.

AllisonXLuther: I hated this and it felt deeply out of character. I know she's using her power again but this was way too far for her in my eyes.

The Sparrows: Why are they all so oblivious? Like they're drugging their dad and are theoretically in control, at this point, they should be able to recognize the obvious possibility of the umbrellas. Ignoring that, they're also just like all being really dumb, like every single one of them, for no apparent reason.

Sparrows part 2: why did One just disappear!! Like I get it being a trope for neither of them to have what the other group wants in a trade-off scenario like that. But, it just feels so lazy. And like killing off a character for very little reason. I understand people and things had to start going missing but I think it made a lot more sense to start with the dog and like other smaller things like the cows than just like a whole ass person and then no other people for a long time. Also, One being taken throws a wrench in the whole both the academies seem to be impervious to the body snatching waves?? Like if number one can be taken why couldn't the rest of them? how did they all survive? Feels like a big hole to me.

Diego: Shut the fuck up and stop being mean to this kid for no reason. I understand having a kid dropped on you suddenly would definitely be upsetting and confusing, but the way he was acting was just awful. And then turning around and deciding you're going to be supportive / parent him when he burns down some shit and kills your brother? And then when he discovers she's actually pregnant!!! He's into it?!?!? fucking excuse me! this is a whole ass roller coaster that doesn't make any sense.

Diego part 2: "I'm the daddy" involuntarily irl gagged, that was awful

Reginald Hargreaves: He would be smart enough to know to pop a pill in his cheek so he wouldn't have to take it without having Klaus tell him. Like that feels basic, and he's proved himself to be pretty conniving and savvy in the past. Once he stops being drugged his actions generally make sense again. Except, I don't know why he needed to "bring the family together." They ended up all going in because the world was ending, not because they came together, so it never mattered. I'm pretty sure if he thought about it for a second he would have realized that would happen. And not thinking about it for a second feels out of character. I get he had to bring the numbers down to seven but he didn't even really have to do that because Klaus ended up coming back and it didn't matter (nor did he seem to be that worried or care at all when Klaus came back, which doesn't make sense given that he just went to the trouble of killing two of them to make it seven). And then the deal with Allison???

wE aRe aLl In A coMpuTEr: (fucking whatever) maybe they'll expand on this next season, and it'll be better, but I think the way the show handled it was boring and bad.

Fei: Do the birds apparate out of her back? or do they exist in the real world all the time? Does she befriend additional crows and those crows come and live with her and become her eyes? Like when Ben grabbed that bird why didn't she just disapparate it? If she befriends them, that's super chill, but then explain why sometimes the crows have to come back to her to tell her what they see, and other times she sees directly through their eyes??

Fei 2: I think she's very pretty and I like her clothes. uwu

Victor: Let him have his fucking tapes, Jesus Christ. Also, you just learned a bunch of lessons last season that I feel like you forgot

Mom: cool the robot is making a religion that's great, but this doesn't make any sense, bye

I have a lot of other things to say, but these are the main things coming to my head right now. I think I will probably not watch next season, which makes me sad. This all being said, there were a lot of things I did like about the series, but I think the plot holes in weird continuity issues overweight them

[dreamylyfe-x]

11x04: NIMBY Reactions

Oh my God, that’s the good stuff right there. I’ve been hanging on for the middle of the season, where I have felt pretty certain the tone -- with Gallavich particularly -- might shift and I was NOT disappointed. 

So first thing’s first: though Mickey had barely anything to do with the A Plot (Milkoviches Next Door) I still thought this episode was the best  Mickey-being-Mickey-as-I-know-and-love-him  episode we’ve had yet. (Though fair warning, I thought 11x03 had some quality classic Mickey in it -- just mostly the scenes without Ian.) 

Before we get started on Mickey, though, this is the second episode in a row where I’ve enjoyed the Frank plot? Granted, it was LARGELY Liam that I enjoyed, but I was still watching the Frank plot and that is a major shift from season 10, where I barely bothered. 

But yeah. Ok. Mickey. This episode was such a great Mickey episode from start to finish. One of the things I love about Shameless is the whole thing where normal for kids living in desperate conditions, while very different from most people’s normal, is still normal for THEM. And I really enjoyed Mickey watching the Milkoviches move in while giving the Gallaghers key intel on exactly what they were seeing. And kinda understanding how messed up some of it was in real time. That’s a real experience people have -- being mid-story and suddenly thinking “Yeah. This is way more fucked up than I realized.”  

I also enjoyed the several moments in the episode where Mickey overtly acknowledged that his family is insane, he just doesn’t like the Gallaghers looking down on him. Which: valid. 

Speaking of -- finally we find out the state of the Mickey-Terry relationship. Which is: there isn’t one. Another thing I loved is that Mickey shares the desire to see his family move on, but he’s not going to bother engaging with it. He’s going to work on getting him and Ian out of there, and pay hardly any attention to his family. Love that for him. 

I also love love LOVE that, now that he has a bead on something to do for money that doesn’t fill him with dread, Mickey is taking the same attitude he had when Ian was working and he wasn’t -- which is that he’s going to take care of things. As someone who was baffled at Mickey’s inaction and willingness to let Ian do all the work in the first few episodes, I really loved this. Because it’s consistent and it indicates that his world view just kinda like... Someone has to be taking care of the money part, and that might shift back and forth between him and Ian, but the result of the effort is going to be shared between them. I understand where Ian was coming from -- especially when Mickey kept returning to criminal enterprise -- but it’s nice to see a little more of how Mickey views things. 

Also, I know this is very well observed, so I’m retreading well-worn ground, but the scene with the cereal. Gah. I love it. Ian regressing -- I know they gave us the shot of the bottle of Jamison, but I felt like they were getting their point across with the cereal and the cartoons. And Ian not answering or responding to Mickey right away was extremely evocative of Ian’s history of depressive episodes. I loved how forthright Ian was about how awful the prospect of finding another job was, because it’s covertly agreeing with everything Mickey was saying in the first few episodes, too. 

There are so many little things I like about this scene. Mickey coming down the front stairs instead of the back, like he intuitively knows where Ian is at. Ian watching Harley Quinn cartoons, as both an in-joke AND as a believable cartoon choice. Mickey picking up the bottle, checking it’s weight and then just... moving it a little to the side. Mickey putting himself between Ian the TV. Mickey already having a plan for Ian. Just so much good stuff in there. 

Also, let’s talk about Ian for a minute here. One reason I hesitate to call anything OOC with these two is that the book generally isn’t closed. I really didn’t get the “I’m on my honeymoon” stuff, but after this episode, it folds in a lot better with what is going on with these two. Another thing that folds in better is Ian’s mounting frustration -- which is VERY Ian. He starts out with this forced buoyancy -- we’re going to get out own place, you are going to get a legal job so you can stay out of prison, I am going to make this warehouse gig work, and even though I’m frustrated and losing patience, I’m still trying to talk things out, and touching your hand and trying to ground everything in the fact that we’re together and we love each other -- and then we see that get chipped away at. Ian’s paycheque reveals that he’s being scammed out of a living wage. Mickey takes the road less travelled and immediately brings in more money that he’s every going to be able to get through the jobs he can currently get as a parolee. Mickey isn’t gracious about this, and the tension ramps up and that four episodes later he’s just walking around with a well-established and throughly justified black cloud over his head. 

The Milkovich’s really arrive like they’ve bought a White Trash in a Bag collection from Target. They seem to even have brought mattresses expressly for the front yard. 

OMG, Mickey got a scene with Sandy (and Debbie). But honestly, my favourite beat is the look Franny gives Mickey after he says kids are idiots. I also love how Sandy joins Mickey in just not seeing a point in waging battle against their family.

Lip, this is a little thing, but you aren’t supposed to eat breakfast, brunch, lunch and dinner. Brunch ideally REDUCES the number of meals you eat. But the key brunch move is to order something you can’t/wouldn’t make at home. Do not pay $14 for eggs and toast. 

So. Ok. I have seen some people very annoyed that Ian is so focused on Mickey not going back to prison, but I can’t see what is wrong with this. He just flat out isn't wrong to worry about it. It would be devastating if that happened. Mickey and Ian are extremely fortunate that he’s out at all. It’s a truly bizarre turn of events and I do not fault Ian for having a lot of concern about anything happening to jeopardize Mickey’s freedom. I also think this is confirmation that Ian just flat out doesn’t want to be without Mickey. I think he’s depressed -- and therefore extremely pessimistic -- in this episode, but there is far more indication that Ian wants Mickey around than that he doesn’t, so of course he’d be extremely focused on this concern. Also Cam puts some tremor onto “get sent back to prison” that really grabs my heart and squeezes. 

Cam in the towel is just good news. Mickey’s adorable with the gun. This scene is cute. 

This is the episode where I gave up on side-eying the Gemma-is-Superior running joke and just accepted it as kinda funny. Something about third-party confirmation. I dunno.

I enjoy the fact that Debbie apparently doesn’t know Sandy lives with them? Also, that feels like an Ian move. Gets boyfriend, moves in with boyfriend. 

The fact that Mickey is low-key playing Ian to get him to join him in this MUCH more promising venture is my absolute favourite. Bless the director for that foreground Mickey shot. Bless Noel for that nuanced facial expression. Bless everyone involved in that moment. It is one of my favourite things ever. 

I love that Ian’s whole reason for these outfits is so that Mickey will LOOK dangerous and not have to defend himself, thus staying out of trouble. That’s deeply, deeply sweet. 

Another sign that something is even more wrong with Frank than usual when he fully forgets the entire trip to visit the Brotherhood. 

I didn’t love V vs. Debbie but I really did enjoy Kev aligns with Frank, and also has a scene with Mickey. And that they weren’t silo’ed off on their own. 

So the eventual reveal we get that the old lady loves having rough sex with Terry was not a surprise to me because a) Shameless, but b) because of Christian’s face. Christian’s facial expressions are among my favourite on the show right now. 

I love this gif set by @sickness-health-all-that-shit.  What can I say except “look! Ian is smiling!” 

Mickey should be a better liar, but you know. He isn’t. 

I do like that, in this moment, the things they both bring to the enterprise come together to create a new possibility. This is pretty much exactly what I HOPED was going to happen and I love to see it. 

I think I’m going to ignore the Tami storyline because it was gross (not bad, but ... gross.) Also @fiona-fififi already wrote something that is much more comprehensive... I get the frustration, but just no part of me thinks Ian would allow himself to go where Tami did in examining what happened to her. Not at this point in his life. Which is sad, but very much in line with how Ian handles himself. 

Um. Yeah. Carl. Glad you’re not fully participating, Carl. But this is untenable. 

Overall, I am all the way in on this storyline for Ian and Mickey -- and pretty into the idea of V getting involved with politics. I think we’re getting all the seeds of where this show is going to leave the characters. And I haven’t loved every moment, but I do feel like the overall show is working for me better than last season. 

That might be faint praise. But I really liked this one. Best yet. 

[doshmanziari]

Musical Offerings for the New Year || What is “Radical Music” in 2021?

Near the end of 2020, a bunch of musicians populating a chatroom, including myself, each submitted ten minutes’ worth of our work to another musician, Chimeratio, who generously compiled it all into a set totaling nearly ten hours.¹ The work didn’t need to be new; just what we thought might best represent our abilities/style(s) and/or perhaps what we were especially pleased with. The set premiered in late January. Since I have some tentative plans for reorienting Brick By Brick this year, while not overriding its emphases, I wanted to share that music with anyone who’s interested.

I compiled the four videos into a playlist, although you can also access them individually: here (1), here (2), here (3), and here (4). If you care to, and are on a computer, you can also view the accompanying chatlog and read people’s responses from when they were listening to the live broadcast.

The compulsion for this project was sparked by excited discussions over and usage of the term “digital fusion”, most helpfully propagated by Aivi Tran, designating a computer-based body of work that for years lacked the rooftop of a commonly agreed upon genre-name. While describing my music has never been a big concern, even if it’s usually felt impossible (what, for example, is this? or this? I dunno!), I’ve appreciated how the spread and application of this term has brought together people who may have felt isolated.²

As “digital fusion” gained designative traction, I witnessed the activity in the aforementioned chatroom explode over the course of a few days. Before, a day’s discussion might’ve been a few dozen messages; now, there were dozens of messages every half-minute. This had positive and negative ramifications, the negative being that conversations often proceeded at a pace of rapidity which precluded concentrated thought. Eventually, I bowed out because the rapidity exceeded my threshold for meaningful interaction; but I was glad that significant invigoration was going on.

I wanted to share this music also because it intersects with thoughts and talks I’ve been having stemming from the question, “What is ‘radical music’ in 2021?” This was stimulated by a 2014 talk given by the writer Mark Fisher, wherein he contends that, were we to play prominent “cutting edge” music from now to people twenty years ago, very nearly none of it would be aesthetically shocking, bizarre, or revelatory (think of playing house music to an audience in the early 1960s!). Fisher also observes a trend of returning to music which once was seen as the future -- as if, deprived of a shared prograde vision, imaginations turn hazily retrograde; ergo, genres such as synthwave or albums like Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories.

It isn’t my goal here to argue about the “end of history.” Fisher’s time-travel hypothetical, however, rings loud and true to me. Visible musical radicalism has, for at least a decade, been strictly extra-musical, in the sense of songs like “This is America” or “WAP”, where one’s response is primarily to the spectacle of the music video, the performer’s identistic markers, and/or the manner in which the lyrics intersect with (mostly US-centric) ideological hotspots. Musically, there is really nothing radical here. Any vociferous condemnations or defenses of a song like “WAP” deal in moralizing reactions to semantics or imagery: how progressive or regressive is the political aspect? how propelled or repelled are we by the word “pussy”?

It would be a mistake, and simply wrong, to assert that the only music one can enjoy escapes the parameters outlined above; and my inability to coherently categorize some of my own music hardly raises that portion to the status of radicality. But the question here pertains to what is being made, and I think that if we’re going to seriously consider the nature of truly radical music today, we do need to question if such a quality can prominently exist when our hyper-fast consumerist cycle seems to forbid not just sustained, lifelong relationships to artwork but also the local, unhurried nourishment of creative gestation. Now, in my opinion, there are good, even great, examples of radical music still being made in deep Internet-burrows, and for evidence of that I would offer some of the material contained in the linked playlists. Moreover, I’d say that this quality can exist in part because these little artistic communities are so buried.

Let me share a quote that another person shared with me recently:

For culture to shift, you need pockets of isolated humanity. Since all pockets of humanity (outside of the perpetually isolated indigenous people in remote wilderness) are connected in instantaneous fashion, independent ideas aren’t allowed to ferment on their own. When you cook a meal, you have to bring ingredients together that have had time to grow, ferment, or decompose separately. A cucumber starts out as a seed, then you mix it with the soil, water and sunlight. You can’t bring the seed, soil, water and sunlight to the kitchen from the get-go. When you throw those things in to the mixture without letting them mature, the flavor cannot stand out on its own. Same thing with art and fashion. A kid in Russia can come up with a new way to dance, gets filmed on a phone, it goes viral quickly but gets lost in the morass of all of the other multitudinous forms of dance. Sure it spread far and wide, but it gets forgotten in a week. In the past, his new art form would have been confined locally, nurtured, honed, then spread geographically, creating a distinct new cultural idiosyncrasy with a strong support base. By the time it was big enough to be presented globally, it was already a cultural phenomenon locally. This isn’t possible anymore. We’re consuming too many unripened fruits.

The main impression I have here is that radical music today will, and must be, folk music. Our common idea of folkiness might be the scrappy singer strumming a guitar, but my interpretive reference rather has to do with the idea of a music being written, first of all, for one’s self, and then shared with a small-scale community, which in turn helps the artist grow at their own pace. This transcends a dependence upon image, the primacy of acoustic instrumentation, or the signaling of sincerity versus insincerity. It is a return to the valuation of outsider art, so rare nowadays. As someone who I was recently in dialogue with wrote, “Where can you find new genuine folk music? Pretty much just with your friends, imo. Even then, the global world is so influential and seeps into any crack it can find. I think vaporwave was radical and folk for a while. Grant Forbes made that music way before the world knew about it.”

Sometimes, a lot of fuss is made over what’s seen as “gatekeeping” within certain communities. It can be, depending on the context, justifiable to question and critique this behavior. At other times, the effort of maintaining a level of exclusivity, of retaining an idiosyncratic shapeliness to the communal organism, can be a legitimate attempt to protect the personal, interpersonal, and cultural aspects from the flattening effect of monoculture. Hypothetically, I welcome the Castlevania TV series and Super Smash Bros. Ultimate having introduced new and younger demographics to Castlevania. In actuality, stuff like “wholesome sad gay himbo Alucard”, image macros, and neurotic “stan” fanfiction being what’s now first associated with the series makes me want to put as much distance as possible between my interests and those latecoming impositions.

The group-terminology David Chapman uses in his essay “Geeks, MOPs, and Sociopaths in Subculture Evolution” is kinda cringey, but some of the cultural/behavioral patterns he lays out are relevant to the topic. Give it a look. If we cross his belief that “[subcultures] are no longer the primary drivers of cultural development” with our contemporary consume-and-dispose customs, we’re left with the predicament of it’s even worth attempting to bring radical/outsider art beyond its rhizomatic habitat. This is troubling, because it would mean that artistic radicality no longer might not only refuse to but cannot encompass cultural upheaval. It would be like if dance music were invented and -- instead of progressively permeating nightlife, stimulating countercultural trends, and ultimately being adapted as the basis for pop music globally -- only were listened to via headphones by a few thousand people on their own, stimulated a group meeting once a year or two, and never affected music beyond a niche-within-a-niche. That’s a very sad picture to me.

⁂

¹ Chimeratio has also maintained an excellent blog on here dedicated to looking at videogame music written in irregular time signatures, far preceding higher-profile examinations like 8-bit Music Theory’s video on the same topic.

² For myself, creative isolation has had its uses, because it has led me down routes that are highly personalized. The isolation can be dispiriting too. Although a lot of my music is videogame-music-adjacent, almost none of it uses “authentic” technology, such as PSG synthesizers or FM synthesis; and the identification of those sounds is fairly important for recognition.

[kiivg]

.Since I deleted last year, I decided I’d just post all of the Year of Art Summaries that I have. More under the cut.

.I genuinely feel kind of sad about this, because I feel like I’ve regressed in my art. Which is absurd, because these are clearly two different styles. I’ve gone from painting almost loyally headshots and busts, to drawing full figures in clean, thin, lineart, and, especially over these past few months, really dove into colour and pushing into palettes. 

.And yet, the paintings I did almost four years ago, whilst don’t portray a full body, and when they do the anatomy is stiff, still actually look pretty good. Which doesn’t work, that shouldn’t be right, it looks like there’s more effort in what I did then than what I do now. Which means... I’ve gotten worse? Or? I don’t know.

.Everything I had to do during the late months of 2019 when I got hit quite badly with brain rot, was that I had to re-evaluate my entire attitude to art. And does that mean I’ve gone backwards? That my thinking now is wrong? It’s, I’m genuinely puzzled by this.

.Now, I know I’m looking at what was the best of those years, and I know there’s a lot of other things that I made that didn’t make it into these compilations. I mean, hundreds, if not over a thousand pieces of art over these years. Whereas this year, I post about eight pieces a month, twice weekly, and this means my output is less, but the quality of these are all still things I’m proud of. Percentage-wise, I’m posting about 90% with the conscience of knowing that they are good now, compared to posting before which was just 100% flinging at my followers despite the small reception I got, knowing that a lot of my stuff was just not really up to scratch. 

.But then, what reception do I get now? Lately I can barely grace 50 notes, but is that popularity/skill? Am I just drawing the wrong things with a better skill? Or have I, on the scale of improvement, simply gone sideways instead of upwards? I mean, a trio of Dorian Pavus got over 2,000 notes, could I ever have done that with the paintings I made in these past years? No. But again, is that popularity/skill?.

.So, in the end, I don’t know if I have gotten better. I don’t know if I’ve just changed my style and pretended that I’m better. But, then again, was I not just hiding a lack of skill behind a painterly brush that hid my faults in the rough edges that I thought I applied well all those years ago?.

.Perhaps I regret digging out these old years, but perhaps it will inspire me anew in 2021. I suppose what should be taken from all this, is the positivity. I do still like the art I made in 2017, I’m still proud of it, even though doing so makes me believe I haven’t changed at all, and a stagnating artist is a terrible thing to be.

.Happy new year :).

[miscellaneousramblings]

The world is cruel and unfair. My thoughts about the end of SnK.

This is a post about my feelings re: the end of SnK. I try to mix a bit of analysis and express where, in my opinion, it went wrong.

I’ve only read the last chapter once for now. Managed to avoid every spoiler until the official release. What can I say? I think this ending is disappointing and unsatisfying, despite not being The Worst Thing I’ve Ever Read. It’s serviceable at best, which by default is underwhelming in a work that has almost always tried to go above what we usually see in comparable pieces of fiction. Over almost 140 chapters, SnK offered its readers genuine emotions, either positive or negative, and, until this final chapter, managed to stay true to its themes. But this final chapter is basically a 4/10 or 5/10 ending in an overall 9.5/10 story.

I hope that, after the initial shock of the ending, I’ll be able to look back on it, not fondly, but with a bit more appreciation for some of its (too few) genuinely good moments. I also hope it won’t sour the experience of reading SnK too much for me. Of course, I accept the ending, I accepted it literally the moment I read it even though I saw it go further and further from my expectations and understanding of the story by the second. And obviously, I respect Isayama as a writer and genuinely cherish some parts of this manga.

But I won’t ever think this ending was good, and am going to try to explain why.

First, something quite subjective. I think the chapter lacked genuine emotion. I didn’t feel much of anything, except a crushing sentiment of sadness and a bit of anger when I saw Mikasa alone by Eren’s grave at the end. A lot of what happened felt either incomplete or forced, and often both. For example, I had imagined the moment the curse of Ymir broke would be the most beautiful moment in the manga, but instead it just... happened? This was supposed to be the peak of this story, the miracle that all these terrible sacrifices were made in the name of. I keep thinking about the moment the curse breaks at the end of Fruits Basket (a great read btw) and how genuinely emotional this chapter is even though the genre is different from SnK’s. Considering Isayama’s talent when portraying emotions, I can’t help but feel terribly underwhelmed by his version of this moment, which should have made us feel like everything was worth it, but didn’t.

Second, the pacing in this last arc (and especially post 123) was messy. I know it’s easy to criticize as a reader, but objectively, spending 7 chapters on the alliance going from point X to point Y and not giving the main character the spotlight he deserves is a major mistake. I kept holding hope that all of the buildup since chapter 130 was going to amount to the last 2-3 chapters slapping extremely hard (like, say, the Grisha-centered chapters in return to Shiganshina, or the Reiner-Eren conversation in Marley), but for the first time, Isayama disappointed me in that regard.

While mostly uninteresting fights got dragged out, some plot points were almost forgotten. Some setups never got a proper conclusion. Eren barely got the time to explain his motivations or what he saw. Historia’s conversation from chapter 130 never got an ending. The parasite and Ymir literally disappeared even though they were the focus of the last two chapters before this one. Some memory shards went unexplained. We never got to see Grisha’s death even when this panel exists?

Regardless of the actual things I don’t like in the ending, I think it would have been more palatable if this last stretch of chapters had been given time to breathe, if only to expand on the characters’ motivations or give us more interactions (for example, Eren’s talks with Annie, Reiner, Connie...).

Third, characterisation and themes. Oh boy. My favourite character is Eren, and my other favourites are Mikasa, Armin, Reiner and Zeke. I think that among these five, the only one who got a true, complete character arc was Armin (and arguably Zeke as well, though the lack of resolution between him and Eren is a hate crime towards me, specifically). Reiner had a great character arc overall but his last appearance in the manga was distateful and a regression. I won’t expand on it.

Mikasa... my poor girl. My most charitable take about her ending is that Isayama wanted to portray her inner strength, the fact she can always live on in the face of adversity and cherish her own life despite the setbacks while remembering those she loves. Well, I guess he succeeded. But in a weirdly unsatisfying way, because this renders her character arc entirely cyclical. Those qualities have characterised Mikasa since the start. It’s established since the very first arc that she’s prideful, brave, and that she has the inner strength to live without Eren if he ever disappears from this world. But the way Isayama made it happen? Having her kill him and then cry next to his grave in the final panels of the manga is what her arc amounted to? I had always hoped that Mikasa could actually save Eren from himself and show him how to live and share his burdens with him (all things that have been foreshadowed in the manga itself, btw). I thought her tattoo would hold some significance, either by

A/ being transmitted to her potential child with Eren were he to survive (didn’t happen)

B/ foreshadowing a future political role for her as a bridge between Hizuru and Paradis (didn’t happen, and furthermore she’s the only alliance member living in Shiganshina and is deliberately separated from the rest of them)

C/ having some kind of supernatural power that would allow her to change the game, were she to enter paths or reach the coordinate (didn’t happen).

So what? In the end, Mikasa’s Big Choice amounted to giving up on her love (but also not really because she’s never going to be able to move on and isn’t allowed to feel anything else but pain), resulting in her losing her family for the third time and never being able to welcome Eren home. This is horrifyingly sad. I’m also frankly disturbed by the sort of ~parallel Eren establishes in this chapter between Ymir and Mikasa, about the topic of love. So the message of SnK was that... love is a chain? Everything happened because Ymir was too attached to the King and couldn’t leave this world, so Mikasa had to show her that she could give up on love for the greater good by killing Eren? I wish I just misunderstood this but that’s what I got from the chapter and I hate it. Also, I really thought Isayama was above the traditional “female character who sacrifices everything and never reaches happiness but stays quiet and endures for the common good” trope. I was wrong.

Mikasa might have been the centerpiece of the story, but she got the short end of the stick. At this point, the writing pretty much does the opposite of what it is supposed to by inadvertently justifying the validity of Mikasa and Eren’s “selfish” dream in chapter 138. Initially, I thought that their dream was wrong and not something truly enviable because in it, they led a life of guilt and regret while knowing full well that Eren would end up dying anyway, leaving Mikasa behind, alone. Naively, I thought that surely choosing the responsible path would be more rewarding for Mikasa, one way or the other. But as it turns out, the path of selflessness also led her to a life of solitude, except now she carries her burdens all on her own without having tasted happiness. Amazing. I genuinely do not know how I am supposed to root for this.

Finally... Eren. Oh boy. Oh, good lord. I’ll admit I wanted him to live, but I was also ready to accept an ending where he dies. But... not like this. I already said I don’t like the fact Mikasa killed him, but what I like even less is the lack of general resolution his character received. He’s the MC for god’s sake! But post-chapter 123, he has received second, if not third-grade treatment, save from chapter 131, which was brilliant.

Overall, his motivations are a mess, which I get. Him getting confused because of all his powers and memories is understandable. Him having conflicting motivations is actually appealing to me. He wanted to save Eldia, but was also disappointed in the outside world (when he says “I would have done it anyway”, I thought about what he said to Ramzi and the "scenery” in 131) , and wished for his friends to become heroes. I get it, it’s fine.

But Isayama went too far with the tragic aspect of his character. As in, there is no catharsis, just crushing pain. Isayama deliberately went overkill by stating that Eren killed 80% of humanity (what the hell), and, even worse, actually drove Dina to Carla. I literally couldn’t believe this. I have seen people theorize about this months ago and immediately discarded it by thinking it was ridiculous and amount to character assassination. To make things clear, I’m not discussing Eren’s actions in the last arc from a moralistic point of view, because this would be another topic entirely, I’m talking about what makes sense in the narrative that has been presented to us since the Paths chapters started and Eren’s plan was revealed. For example, however awful the contents of the scene was, Eren manipulating Grisha to kill the Reiss family was not only amazingly written and drawn in chapter 121 but also narratively motivated by the fact he needed the Founding Titan’s power. This scene also had other functions, such as revealing the Attack Titan’s premonition powers or making Zeke interact with Grisha and understand the truth about his father. Compared to this, the “moment” we have in 139, this abrupt, absurd revelation about him indirectly killing his mother is rushed and nonsensical. Even if this was to kickstart the whole story by awakening his hatred for the titans, I can’t help but feel shaken by how... gratuitous a “plot-twist” it is. What does it say about the attachment Eren had to his mother and her words to him? (”because he was born into this world”). This nullifies one of the most impactful scenes of the manga, because the ending makes it clear that in the end, existing as a human being by the simple virtue of being born wasn’t enough for him. It just couldn’t be, for some reason that I’m yet to fully understand. Instead, he endured and endured, and never got to experience the simple, humane existence Carla wished for him. So were these beautiful words a lie all along? Why did Isayama go to such an extreme with Dina? The only conclusion I can come to is that it’s because he needed Eren to be absolutely, totally irredeemeable. Eren needed, storywise, to be this unstoppable extremist who would get burned to ashes by his uncontrollable desires.

Because yes, apparently, Eren had to die. There was no escape. Worst of all, Eren died a slave. A slave to his desire for freedom. A slave to the destiny he saw at age 15. A slave to his titan powers. This is what I truly can’t forgive about this ending. I won’t stand for the “but he chose this” answer, because it was a choice made out of despair, and all the alternatives are presented as non viable by the narrative (are they really though? or is it just a cope-out to justify the last arc of the manga unfolding as it did?). In short, Isayama justifies this “choice” that was forced on Eren by telling us: his life was destined to be short, he had a violent side he just wouldn’t repress, Mikasa didn’t give him the answer he wanted, he was overwhelmed by what he saw, and their enemies were zeroing in on them. Canonically, all of this made him start the Rumbling. Fine. But I always thought that, at the end of it all, even if Eren were to die, this narrative would be challenged. That Eren would at least have a big cathartic moment, and that he would make another choice upon realising that the freedom he looked for was illusory, and that he would fight to the bitter end for what was right, what he truly wanted, before finally either going to rest or living on with the burden of his actions but the support of his loved ones. I wished for the perfect blend of bitterness and hope. The tragedy of irredeemeable actions completed by the powerful liberation of free will. The idea that change is possible.

But what did we get instead? Eren reaffirming that the Rumbling would have happened anyway while feeling tremendous guilt, as usual (living a life with regrets, and consequently, a death with regrets), refusing the support Armin was ready to lend him (refusing to even try to defy what he thinks is his destiny and pushing others away again) and erasing the memories of all his friends after having manipulated them into ending him against their wishes (going against the most basic concept of freedom). And because we as readers and he as a character have to suffer until the very end, Eren finally clearly expressed his wish to live, to stay with Mikasa and his friends. Only to die 5 pages later, for good.

The main character of this story truly died as a disembodied head, in a titan’s mouth, killed by the person he loved the most before being buried in a nameless grave. One of his mottos was “fight”, but in the end, he didn’t. He let fate happen. In a story about freedom, this is unfathomable. This is beyond the realm of sadness for me, and I’m leaning more and more towards indignation. Where was his dignity as a character? I know that Mikasa, Armin and the others know “the truth about him” but I’m sorry, this isn’t enough. Now, if I ever get the strength to re-read SnK, I won’t be able to look at Eren without thinking about all the things he sacrificed: love, friendship, happiness, humanity, morals, principles, justice, freedom, the lives of countless others, the peace of mind of the person he loves, and his own life. A sacrifice so great should have gotten us a reward as great, if not greater. But we only got the end of the titan curse, without even an apparition or a word from Ymir, the one who actually started all of this, and now Paradis is ruled by the Yeagerists or something. The wings of freedom defaced by two rifles. How great. How satisfying.

In the end, I can’t really fathom what Isayama wanted to say with this chapter. The story itself, the 138 chapters that preceded it seemed clear to me. The world is cruel but also very beautiful. But after having read 139, I don’t know where the freedom the characters chased is. I don’t know why love was portrayed as something so precious but also something that in the end was predestined to be discarded. I don’t know why characters such as Mikasa went against fate only to be crushed by it further down the road.

I never thought that SnK would go into this almost grimdark direction, but it did. I can barely find the beauty in this chapter. Mikasa’s last panels are heartbreaking, but even the strength of her love can’t shine through the countless sacrifices the characters - and especially she and Eren - made, for the sake of a future that already seems extremely compromised. I guess that all in all, the world’s cruelty overshadows everything, and those who make the greatest sacrifices also are those who never get repaid. The world is unfair. I know that, but it was my naive wish that reading a piece of fiction would help me take my mind off this reality by showing me there is also more to it.

PS: the best moment in the chapter was those panels:

Finally, even if it was too little and too late, someone showed Eren he wasn’t alone, and didn’t need to be. RIP, my beautiful boy. You truly did deserve better than what this story allowed you to be.

[baldrambo]

On Jim Hopper....

After reading a myriad of analyses and meta on Hopper’s character in S3 on Tumblr/Reddit/Twitter/everywhere, I've come to realize that my understanding of his character and his arc is very different than most interpretations I've seen.  And it frustrates me because i think ultimately, the criticism of him is unfairly harsh and misses the point of his arc.

I will make a few bold assertions (bold=likely unpopular) and address them under the cut because the more I’ve thought about this the longer it got and I want to appropriately address each point.

Assertion 1: S1 Hopper is NOT the Hopper we want, in fact, this is regressive! Hopper and we should be glad he’s gone

Assertion 2: S1/S2 Hopper is inappropriately romanticized and it created unrealistic expectations for Hopper’s characterization in S3

Assertion 3: The circumstances in S3 are dramatically different than S1-S2 and drive the changes we see in Hopper’s characterization in S3

Assertion 4: Hopper and Joyce’s arguing in S3 was a symptom of a shift in their relationship dynamic, and not OOC

Assertion 5: Hopper's negative character traits were intentionally amplified in S3 as a juxtaposition for his redemption arc coming in S4

Assertion 1:

When we are introduced to Hopper in S1 he is a pill-popping womanizer. He is a jerk. In episode 1, he shows up to work hungover cracking "your mom" jokes and when Flo tells him that Joyce is worried about her missing kid he dismisses her and says "I’m gonna get on that." A frantic Joyce has to beg him to look for her son and during the conversation, he's throwing in interjections about screwing Chrissy as a teen in the back of his dad's Oldsmobile and somewhat snidely inquiring about whether Will is gay. Not a very nice dude.

It's not until later in the episode when we learn that he had a daughter who is now dead, and begin to suspect that perhaps there is more to him than the jerk-off cop from a small town. And then the first real introduction we get to Hopper, the real Hopper, is in 1x2 when an agitated Joyce asks him "wouldn't you know your own daughter's [breathing]?" He nearly caves then, caves under the weight of his grief, the pressure of dealing with a case of a missing kid, feeling empathy for what Joyce is going through. So what does he do? He retreats to his cruiser as soon as possible and pops a pill. Why? Because he cannot handle the grief and emotion. So he medicates it away.

For anyone who has ever been on Xanax (or see i.e. Benzos in general) they are typically prescribed to dull intense emotions, such as a anxiety attack. You can be in the middle of an anxiety attack (shaking, crying, unable to breathe), and a Xanax kicks in and it halts the entire thing.  You feel nothing.  When you're in pain, physical or emotional, it kills that pain almost instantly, too. And that’s what makes it so addictive. And it's not just pain that it kills, but pretty much all emotion with it.

Hopper in S1 is popping Benzos because he is at the lowest point in his life. He lost his daughter and his purpose in life. He is merely existing. He feels like a curse. Part of him even seems to feel responsible for Will's disappearance for no other reason than his own misery. Think about 1x1-1x7 Hopper for a second: can you remember a scene when he smiles? Laughs? Gets angry? Cries? Shows really any emotion at all? I've watched s1 multiple times and I don't remember one. He's so heavily medicated that he isn't feeling ANYTHING.

But then in 1x8, we finally get a glimpse of the real Hopper in glimpses of his backstory. A man laughing and playfully throwing around his daughter. We see a broken man crying in a hallway. We see a tender man reading to his daughter. This is the real Hopper who isn't just existing as Hopper is in S1, but living.

Hopper saving Will, this is the very beginning of his redemption. In that moment, he is able to bring Will back. Save him in a way he couldn't with his own daughter. That wall he’s built, quite artfully, is finally cracking.

So you see. S1 Hopper isn't what we want. S1 Hopper was in a deep dark cave. Sure, he was kind to Joyce. Helpful. He listened. He didn't lose his temper. But it's easy not to lose your temper when you're not feeling anything. It's easy to be calm and rational when you’re emotionally detached. But what kind of life is that?

Assertion 2:

In S2, Hopper is already different. In 2x1 our first introduction to Hopper is positioned similarly to S1. He pulls into the station in his police car. He's still grouchy, he's still joking around about dumb shit (dating Bob Derek) but we see a real smile from him. He goes with Joyce and Will to Will’s appointments at Hawkins Lab (we don't know how often but it's obviously frequent enough that Owens jokingly refers to Hopper as Will’s “Pop”). Hopper has a purpose again. To protect Will and Joyce, keep them safe. These are externalities.  And as someone as riddled with trauma as Hopper is, externalities make it easier to function.  Hyper-vigilance and overprotective/controlling behavior aren’t exactly admirable qualities, but they come in handy when the people close to you are threatened by inter-dimensional shadow monsters.

It’s at the end of 2x1 when we are introduced to the biggest change for Hopper: he has El. Someone to “feed, protect, teach.” And love. Turns out, love is a feeling.  And with one feeling comes many feelings.  She brought him out of that deep dark cave so now Hopper smiles. Laughs. Cries. Loses his temper. And with those feelings come all of his own insecurities, imperfections, fears.  He confides in El at the end of the season about some of these fears: he believes himself to be a black hole.  A black hole that took Sara.  Almost took Will. And could take El too and he is terrified that will happen. He apologizes for some of his bad behavior.  And we see El forgive him because she not only loves him, but recognizes that his anger and fear come from a different place than Brenner’s did.  Hopper isn���t exhibiting controlling behavior to manipulate her.  It’s because he loves her.

But here’s the thing. His apology and his and El’s recognition of his toxic behavior doesn’t make it okay, and it doesn’t magically make it disappear moving forward. 

The 2 year gap between S2 and S3, I think, gave us a lot of time as a fandom to create the Hopper we wanted in our minds.  A Hopper that moved past his trauma at the end of S2.  A Hopper that didn’t lose his temper anymore because he apologized to El. A temper he can shut off now because the Gate is closed. A Hopper who would patiently wait around for years until Joyce was ready for him and had moved on from Bob.  A Hopper who would be fine with sharing El with Mike because love conquers all. A Hopper viewed through rose-colored glasses.

But this isn’t realistic.  Trauma can often be complex and in Hopper’s case, compartmentalized, making it easy to burst forth at any given moment and often inappropriately so.  It can make you act badly, irrationally. It can be 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. And as an audience, I think a lot of us didn’t expect this to be a part of his storyline in S3.  The expectation was that there would be continuous upward growth from his arc in S2 and when that didn’t happen, it was the subverted expectations that led to the disappointment in how his arc was handled in S3.  But this disappointment doesn’t mean his arc didn’t make sense.

Assertion 3:

The Hopper we see at the end of S2 seems content.  He has El. He has Joyce’s friendship. Things are at peace, the gate is closed. All is well. Or so we think. The Hopper we see at the beginning of S3 is miserable, lonely, sad, fat, and angry. It’s kind of jarring. But so are the circumstances at the beginning of S3.  In S3, there is no longer an active threat. Everyone is starting to move on from the events of S1-S2.  Joyce and El don’t need his protection anymore because there is no active threat.  His hyper-vigilance leads him to almost shooting Betsy Payne’s dog, not shooting inter-dimensional demodogs.  His overprotective/ controlling instincts are no longer useful they’re annoying, over the top, and just plain toxic. 

In short, there are no longer externalities for Hopper to focus on, so all he has to focus on is himself.  And he is not good at doing that, because that means focusing on his fears, insecurities, and imperfections. And the circumstances at the beginning of s3 give him plenty to personally angst about The two major ones:

1) El is growing up. This is normal, of course.  Little girls become teenagers who become adults. But El isn’t a normal girl, and Hopper is not a normal Dad.  El has superpowers, and she is not a kid anymore.  She is a teenager with a boyfriend, she doesn’t need him the same way she used to, and Hopper cannot protect her the way he used to. Hopper lost his daughter when she was ~6 years old and he didn’t get to raise El for the first 12 years of her life. They’ve missed out on so much together.

And here’s the tragic thing: eventually, she will become an adult, and she will no longer need him at all, theoretically.  Hopper isn’t her biological father.  So what ties El to him, other than her need for him to protect her? In his mind, nothing.  In his mind, her growing up means turning 18 and leaving him.  Permanently.  He can’t lose another daughter. That would break him.  So what does he do?  “Try to stop the change.  Turn back the clock.  Make things go back to the way things were.” When she was his little girl he was not in danger of losing her. And because he has trauma, because he is unable to handle his emotions, he takes it out on Mike and Mike/El’s relationship. He takes it out on their closeness. This symbol of her becoming an adult.

2) Joyce is moving away.  Understandable, of course.  Her youngest son was snatched by the Demogorgon and she had to venture into another dimension to bring him back from near death, he was possessed in S2, and her boyfriend was brutally murdered in front of her. I would want out of there, too. But doing so means leaving Hopper behind.  Joyce, the one other constant in his life, who he can talk to about anything, who he relies on for parenting advice for El, who he can trust completely, who is always there for him, who he loves (who perhaps he’s always loved). And she’s leaving him behind.

So he thinks maybe, maybe, if he make her feel safe, if he gives her a reason to stay (him)...that she will.  But she stands him up and she doesn’t just stand him up, it turns out it’s because the threat was back and he not only didn’t realize it but wasn’t able to keep them all safe from it, despite that being his sole driving force.  He had one job.  And he failed.

So, you see, Hopper’s character arc in S3 is about him, and not the externalities in S1-S2.  He cannot hide behind the danger anymore.  He can’t hide behind “feeding, protecting, teaching.”  His flaws and imperfections are on full display and it’s more difficult for us, and Hopper, to sweep them under the rug. They’re amplified by the circumstances and his arc.

Assertion 4:

This is sort of an aside? But something I still wanted to address because I see it come up a lot.  Namely, that Hopper and Joyce’s dynamic in S3 didn’t make sense, was out of character, and/or that Hopper’s behavior was abusive.  I think that this particular point is important to review not only for Hopper but for Joyce as well, who is integral to Hopper’s character arc, and who I think the fandom often handles with kid gloves. Full disclosure, I AM a Jopper shipper, and have been since 1x1.  That being said, I was not bothered by their dynamic in S3 because I think it was an important bridge in the structure of the show as as well as their relationship.

We still at this point in time don’t know what Jopper’s backstory is, although I suspect we are going to finally get that in S4 based on some of the spoilers/casting calls we’ve gotten over the course of the last few months.  What we do know is at the beginning of S1 there is a familiarity between them (she calls him Hop), there are rumors around town that they fucked, and they seem to trust each other on a level that is not shared with other adult characters. 

I hear a lot of people say S2 was “peak Jopper.” Their relationship is pretty stable. They are friends, he goes with her to Hawkins Lab, she relies on him for safety and protection, they are gentle with each other.  It’s nice.  But it’s also not very personal.  Joyce is with Bob.  Hopper doesn’t tell Joyce that he’s been hiding El. They obviously care about each other (and it seems like Hopper has some feelings there) but they hold each other at arm’s length.

This isn’t the case anymore in S3.  In S3, there is no more arm’s length.  They’re co-parenting.  He shows up at Melvald’s at the beginning of 3x1 (reminiscent of Bob appearing at the beginning of 2x1) for advice, which it appears he’s been doing for months. They really have no one else but each other to confide in, which they clearly do a lot.  There are feelings there now on both sides (I don’t subscribe to the theory that Joyce doesn’t reciprocate his feelings, but that is a discussion for another thread.)

These new (old?) feelings interrupted the S2 relationship dynamic. They’re not just comfortable friends anymore reminiscing about high school. Hopper wants to be close to her, but doesn’t quite know how and blunders through attempt after attempt and the more she rejects him the more upset he gets and the worse he handles it.  Joyce is still struggling to move on from Bob and (imo) is confused about her feelings for Hopper because he is a little bit like Bob, a little bit like Lonnie (and yet nothing like either of them at the same time) and I don’t think she quite knows what to do with that except to fight her feelings and hold Hopper at arm’s length.  The end result is bickering and Hopper losing his temper, because neither of them are able to really discuss their feelings for various reasons.

Most significantly, when they’re bickering and when Hopper loses his temper, Joyce is not afraid of Hopper. She is never afraid of him. She holds her own, she argues back, she stands her ground. When he refuses to believe her about the magnets, she steamrolls him into following her to the Lab. When he shouts at her, she shouts back. When he digs at her, she digs back. The problem with characterizing Hopper’s behavior in S3 as abusive is it fails to grasp the intent behind the bickering.  They’re attempting to find a new normal, a new relationship dynamic.  The way people refer to them throughout the season is heavily coded in language that describes a “team” a “couple.” Because despite the bickering they do respect each other and care about each other and in 3x8 they start to come to that realization together.

(My other issue with calling Hopper abusive is that it makes Joyce a victim. And Joyce isn’t a victim.  She’s own her independent entity with needs and wants and desires. After 2 seasons of being “mom,” shoving her into another archetype reliant on another male character’s actions sorta sucks, doesn’t it? I really do not think this what the Duffers were going for here.)

Assertion 5:

Finally, I wanted to touch on the 3 biggest Hopper blunders in S3:

1) Constantly losing his temper. I italicized this further up because I wanted to emphasize the fact that this was not something new in S3.  It’s always been there. In S1 the benzo’s were masking it.  In S2, he was screaming at a 12 year old girl about how she cannot do anything right. It’s unacceptable behavior.  It got worse in S3 because it is also a symptom of a hurting man who is losing control of everything around him.  In S1-S2 attempting to control everything worked, in S3 it didn’t work anymore.

2) Breaking up Mike and El. After nearly a year of it just being El and Hopper, he has to share her with Mike.  Combine this with El growing up and Mike and El’s co-dependent behavior, it’s a recipe for disaster. He tries and fails at a heart to heart and starts shouting and carrying on instead. Slipping into cop mode is easier than Dad mode. It was also the wrong way to handle it.

3) Trying to push Joyce into a date before she was ready. I already touched a bit on this above in #3, but his eagerness to make her stay leads him to try to push her into something she is not ready for. The end result is more misery for him when she fails to show up, and him being a jerk about it for the duration of the season (”You know he reminds me a little bit of a Russian Scott Clarke.”)

Here’s the thing though, he makes these blunders because he’s flawed.  He’s always been flawed. And the combination of his prior trauma, the circumstances leading up to S3, the shift in relationship dynamics between him and Joyce, and the shift of the narrative from externalities to hhis internalities, make S3 very different than S1-S2. And it showed us that Hopper really is more of an anti-hero than a “good guy” and has been this entire time.

And if you wanted him to be the good guy because he had soft moments in S1-S2, S3 was just a set-up for a let-down because Hopper isn’t the good guy. He’s a jerk. And jerks don’t get the girl.  Jerks don’t get happy endings. Jerks die.  Unless they survive, and get a chance at redemption.

Being trapped in a frozen Russian gulag can kill you, or it can make you stronger.  It can make you re-evaluate what you took for granted, how you handled situations, how you interact with those you love, what really matters. And for someone like Hopper, who loves deeply despite his issues, this is the opportunity to turn all of that around and truly start over.  And if you are the Duffer brothers, you want to ying and yang that shit so the yang is that much more noticeable and emotional when it happens. This whole journey for Hopper is just as important as the outcome and as someone who loves his character, I want to be with him for that entire journey, not just the “good” parts.

So I guess, in sum, Hopper is a flawed jerk who loves El and Joyce. Who makes mistakes, but usually has good intentions. Who had a lot of bad shit happen to him. Who made a lot of missteps and mistakes, particularly in S3, but deserves empathy and a chance at redemption. Who should come back a changed man and get the girl and the happy ending. And I think S3 needs to be viewed through this vacuum in order to fully appreciate his character and the arc.

And if you read all the way through this, God Bless you.