#had to rant cuz i’m seeing some weird things lately

[austin-sbutler]

The way some of yall talk about Austin’s girlfriends and ex’s is soooo unbelievably toxic. I can’t imagine saying all of that vile stuff and making assumptions about a woman you don’t even know

I know we’re all fans of him but assuming you know what’s best for Austin after being in a 2+ year relationship with someone is ridiculous and you’re better off keeping your opinions and more importantly, your projections, to yourself

[caspersickfanfics]

*busts door open* IM BACK

I’m not gonna be too weird about this but- ironically- today was a day of much crying, and from that I was re-reminded of few things that got me thinking about the other nights rants so I have just a few more considerations~

again- not necessarily a fit for the current fic situation BUT. Types of crying. I feel like Cyno really doesn’t cry much at all. And maybe this was a given lol but I wanna talk about it anyways 😭

He’s just that kind of person and I feel like that tracks with canon. Even if he isn’t bottling up emotions, like if he’s sad and he’s letting himself feel sad, even then he may not cry that much. but if he is crying- or sobbing due to fever-addled hysteria- it’s him doing everything he can to keep it quite. Like muffled sobs, or just tears spilling uncontrollably, and so much, sniffing. That kind of crying you get when you just can’t stop crying even if you really want too. Maybe because it’s so stifled it lands in his body, so he’s stiff, or hunched or shaking a little. And! I feel like it’s so much easier to slip into hyper ventilation when you’re not breathing cuz you’re trying to hold back tears.

I think under Tighnaris care and comfort he’d be a bit more vocal? Maybe? Or!! Or when it gets really bad and he can no longer help it that’s when his sobs sound like, well, sobs. And that’s new territory for nari and cyno both. I think Tighnari would need some serious comfort after all this himself because it’s scary seeing your partner in so much distress even if you know they are okay and kinda just out of it.

I think cyno would try really really hard to communicate well, but he’s struggling cuz he’s sick enough and emotional enough that he’s not quite making the most sense? He’s stumbling over his words and he’s not quite sure how to explain what hurts and in what way- But he knows that he’s worrying nari and so he’ll try his damndest to make sense, and at the very least be honest. Maybe not at first but once they settle into his recovery I think he’d try 🥺

I also was thinking about more comical things Cyno would get upset over? Idk if it’s the vibe at all lol, but if his fever is high enough or if say the meds he’s on add to the loopy ness, I can picture him being very very distraught over just how *pretty* nari is. Maybe not full on crying but I can see him just starting and pouting cuz his partner is just…too perfect??? And if anything happened to him what would he do??? His EARS!! They are so soft- and he falls apart

idk these aren’t as fun as the ones from the other day but oh well lol 😑

WELCOME BACK AHH!!! I'm sorry you had a crying day and I'm sorry to post this so late when you sent it ages ago!!!!!!!! I hope you're feeling better now and if not, I'm sending you all the hugs!!!

This ask has me in a chokehold because I do think about characters crying a lot and I agree with you I don't think Cyno cries much at all. Even though I want to make him cry all the time LOL. Honestly though him and Tighnari both, especially in the canon world, I really have trouble picturing them crying.

100% agree that Cyno would be pretty quiet. My instinct was that he cries without realizing it and that's why he's quiet but I am now obsessed with your (paraphrased) "he is quiet on purpose which can lead to hyperventilating" like. Yes. And that progression to sobbing is really intriguing, definitely seems like something I'd like to explore if I can work it in somewhere!!!

I also headcanon Cyno as being very honest with Tighnari! I could see him downplaying stuff unintentionally - like, he's always a little banged up, so he brushes off discomfort without a second thought sometimes. And he might initially resist Tighnari urging him to look a bit more closely at that, but he'll cave eventually.

I also could definitely see Tighnari having a hard time with Cyno really crying, depending on the situation............ and at the same time I could see him actually being reassured by it. Like, finally, Cyno's letting himself being completely open. Finally he's letting himself be honest and feel things fully. But also Tighnari is going to frequently check his temperature to make sure it's not gotten to a dangerous place to be causing this. And freaking!! Absolutely to Cyno crying over how pretty Nari is and how much he loves his ears/tail/claws/etc. Maybe apologizing for "springing Collei on him" all those years ago and Tighnari is laughing because, like, he adores Collei and is so glad Cyno brought her to him.

I've also been thinking about Tighnari and crying. I picture him as a nonchalant but infrequent crier. Maybe some anxious/frustrated crying in extreme situations, but generally if things aren't going well, he compartmentalizes to figure out a solution. If something is upsetting to him and it's really shocking, maybe he'll shed a few tears without realizing, but then he'll wipe them away and do what needs to be done. If he's in a lot of pain, he'll cry but be really reassuring ("It just hurts a little, don't worry. Could you possibly help wrap this? My hands are a bit unsteady" tears running down his face) to anyone who's around the whole time, while treating his injury if he can. And... I think if he finds out someone he really cares about had something bad happen to them, he'd respond with rage. Even, like, Collei with her Eleazar - if anything worse had happened to her, I don't think his initial response would've been to cry. It would've been "I'm going to fucking murder who or what ever caused this disease." And then when things calm down he'd go to his hut, hide under the covers, curl up into a ball and sob.

Hm. I dunno if you've picked up on this by how much I wrote but. Personally..... I think this was just as fun as your previous asks sdjkfsdjksfj thank you so much for sending ittttt ily <333

[mike-haters-dni]

‘SENT TO THE GULAG’ IS KILLING ME

okay yes hop has probably atoned for his sins by now and his monologue at rock bottom was really good but it still pisses me off sometimes idkk. im just waiting for the payoff of seeing him actually DO better this time😭

and exactly! the angst in s2 is like- messy- but that’s good television! it gave us a top 5 millie preformance how can i even be mad

men in stranger things are weird sometimes cuz you have to overlook their CRIMES, (i’ll be like “omg jancy!” then i REMEMBER…) it’s weird when a character is randomly at their worst for a scene or a season just to meet the story’s requirements

jopper can scream at each other all sam and diane for nostalgia in s3 but when you look at it in a larger context it’s kinda dicey. like how weird of hop to doubt her when he already knows to trust her instincts.

and also it’s just like- nobody drags him enough for me! he’s so loved- male characters can do ANYTHING kinda- so i have to get him. out of principle. and i see that hopper (and like david harbour) is too important to kill off in the show and that him and el’s relationship isn’t all lows, not even in s2. i think i’m just bitter that 1. st tiktok treats el like she was SO unreasonable in that scene>:( (i need to stop going there it makes me want to rant on tumblr) and 2. how much time was devoted to bringing him back last season like my cali boys were so neglected. :( (after 2 failed prison escape attempts i was like (why i am still looking at this insanely bruised man) so-

but yeah i need to stop typing now cause i have a million thoughts in my head about hopper and the way that he is. and the way the show treats him. (how funny is it that even the viewers can have a complicated relationship with him. maybe i’m not giving the writers enough credit in that regard)

: )

-No like, I agree 100%. We forgive but we never forget

-I have a hard time even being really mad at Jonathan for the Incident cuz like, that was such a weird ooc moment that was clearly just so the plot would happen. Like he got possessed by the spirit of the writers to do that shit. And like I can't even be mad at the writers either because like, the plot they were servicing is really fucking good? I might be the only person in the world who thinks this but I think this show is phenomenally written esp from a plot structure perspective. Near perfectly even. Like this show single-handedly instilled a sense of how to do super satisfying setup and payoff, and how to have every scene push multiple things forward, and how everything seen on screen needs to be relevant to as much as possible. Its so tightly written that its like...yeah Jonathan had to do that shit. It allowed like 3 perfectly intersecting plotlines to play out. There was no other option. And like there probably was and maybe I'm coping or whatever but like...idk it's perfect to me :) But still we forgive but we never forget. And we only forgive after they display a marked change in behavior. And we still never forget <3 (side note: remember when El dumped him and Mike ((and Lucas)) went full andrew tate for a second? That's the one thing he's ((they've)) actually ever done wrong lmaooo ((tbf they were also 13 so like)))

-Who tf is saying she was being unreasonable??? child???? traumatized??? isolated in a tiny cabin for a year?????? With Hopper?????? A cop????????? HellO?????????? Bro ppl HATE her bro this needs to stop

-I think the biggest problem with the Russia plotline is just that it's not fun? Watching Hopper get tortured in a labor camp is not fun? I came here for 80s vibes, friendship and supernatural shit and it only delivers that whenever Joyce and Murray are onscreen (who are really fantastic together tho) and once the monster finally shows up way too late into the proceedings. There should have been inklings of monster throughout to add some intrigue and let us know that this was all going to have a point that tied into the plot of Stranger Things the 80s Monster Show. But alas.

[dying4bonez]

Day 5

Breakfast

Cup of coffee-170

Biscuits-155

Lunch

Date-100

Cookie-300

Coffee-150

Dinner

Skipped

Today was a really crappy day for several reasons. For starters all the foods I ate were really high in sugar and calorie dense. Even though I did essentially stay on track and ate below my limit I couldn’t help but feel so gross and fat and like the pounds were already beginning to pile on. I think I’m gonna limit myself to only one sweet thing per day so that I dont end up craving anything and then eventually I’ll be able to cut it out. Also I’ll try to replace my lunch coffee with a Diet Coke to shave off some extra calories. The problem is I need to get my midday caffeine fix but it’s way too cold for any iced drinks so an iced americano is out the window. I hate hot americanos and I can’t stand energy drinks. Hopefully Diet Coke will be enough. I’m gonna also try to eat more veggies cuz Yknow that’s what skinny queens eat :) The second reason I had a crappy day is well idk. I kind of do but I don’t at the same time yknow. I’ve had such low mood lately and quite overwhelmed actually. Like an overload of senses actually. All lights seem too bright, the noise of life hurts my ears I just want to shut down. I can’t even stand my own friends now days idk what it is but every little thing they do just ticks me off. For example I have this friend who has a weird habit of making strange noises with her mouth. Inflating and deflating her cheeks ig and the strange noise it makes me want to rip my skin off and scream and cry and combust all at the same time idk what’s wrong with me. Also this is in a more general sense but I feel like such an outsider to everyone’s world. Don’t get me wrong I have plenty friends and a decent social life It’s not like I feel lonely persay but I genuinely feel like no body gets it or understands me. As cliche as that sounds but genuinely. People often tell me that they find me odd but I just think I’m normal?? Or my personality people make me feel like I’m a freak I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. People are quick to paint me as rude or say that I say things that are hurtful but I don’t see how?? And a lot of the time this comes from when people have ASKED me for my opinion I don’t get it. I also feel like I’m treated differently. Idk how but just different like people just act different when I’m around I wish they would tell me what they think is wrong with me so I can fix it. I am in university meaning I’ve been through FOUR whole academic institutions and it’s always the same shit. Please someone tell me what it is. Bring me out my misery and spare my tired soul.

Okay rant over have a nice day :D

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2013 They still haven’t left next door, and we’re still having chilly mornings. Yesterday afternoon, however, was the first time in days we had to run the AC. We’ll be close to 90° come Friday. :)

I sit here and I look around me, and despite the minor annoyances like traffic and landscaping, I still can’t believe we ended up in such a nice house. And so big, too. I really thought we were going to end up in another undersized dump, or at least a dump. We would have if we hadn’t gotten out when we did.

Had some strange dreams last night, both in which I didn’t seem to know Tom. In one dream I won some therapy appointments, LOL, and my parents, who were alive and well, took me to see a woman who seemed to be in her late 30s or so. She had long thick, wavy brown hair.

I went up these stairs and into her office, which was a large room. She was the first thing I saw. She smiled and said hello and I smiled, too. But then I glanced to the side and saw other people in the room as well. Not being a fan of group therapy, I turned and left the room. The woman called after me about the benefits of group therapy as opposed to one-on-one, but I wasn’t interested. Besides, my life was going just fine. I went to fetch my parents so we could leave, only they weren’t sitting up in chairs in a waiting room. They were asleep on a full-size bed in a small room.

In the last dream, I was about to or already had received a life sentence for who knows what, but the prison wasn’t anything like a real prison. It was co-ed and the security was such a joke that I felt confident that I could easily escape. The problem was where to go afterward.

Most of the “inmates” were young and immature. But one guy named Michael was a little older and a lot smarter. My dream self took immediately to the gray-eyed guy with brown curly hair who was soon to be released. At dinnertime, we spoke of escaping. He said it should be easy enough and I said, “I know. I was waiting outside the office building one time and slowly wandered over to the front gate. At first I was afraid to approach it, but then said, who cares? Who cares if a swarm of guards come after me? I’m going down for life anyway.”

Michael warned me about being sensible about making my escape and not doing anything foolish just because escaping wouldn’t be that difficult.

Then they loaded about 8 of us into a van to go to a fast-food place. The place must’ve been pretty far away, though, cuz we stopped for a cigarette break along the way. I just walked around and enjoyed the fresh air since I didn’t smoke. Everyone got back in the van and the door slid shut before I could hop in. I ran alongside the van shouting to the driver. He saw me and decided to play games by making me run alongside the van. His laughter was soon replaced by comments commending me on being such a good runner when he finally let me back in the van.

At the so-called fast food place, we ate in what looked like oversized bathroom stalls only there were no toilets. Just these weird tables and benches I couldn’t figure out how to sit on. Michael told me which way to face in the seat but my ass seemed to be too big for the seat.

“Our own room,” I said, thinking Michael and I were the only ones in that “booth” and could talk about my escape in private. But then I saw some other guy in the corner of the room and quickly shut up.

At one point after we ate I casually walked off, though I don’t know how far I got or where I went.

Later…

Posted a few quick rat vids on Facebook and swapped messages with Alison. Sure enough, she asked if I were behind the “April Smith” thing. A girl named Gabby reported to her that Kim went on a huge rant on her FB page about someone pretending to be Kathy and Molly. I pretended to be Kathy, not Molly, but that’s just Kim for you.

What’s funny is that she keeps changing her Twitter name but I keep finding it. That’s because she makes it so damn obvious because they’re just variations of the same name. I was surprised to see a 7-hour lag in tweets earlier, then she reported in saying she was busy being “Mattified.” Yeah, I’ll bet she was. Being other people is what she does best, along with lying and being unbelievably paranoid and delusional. She really, really seems to think everyone is out to get her. But she’s a really bad liar when she claims she hasn’t been to any of my sites in over a year unless it’s a so-called alter visiting me she’s not aware of. I’ve wondered if someone could’ve been impersonating her, though I highly doubt it. She was just too damn obvious. Besides, who would go to such trouble and take the time to pull off such an elaborate impersonation of the nut for so long? It was her. Trust me, it was her.

As Aly said, her mind is fascinating but highly disturbing.

Coincidently, Enfield, CT popped into my OD diary right around the time I was picking on Kim. Although the person has a mobile device and Cox, it’s still hard to believe it’s her and that she’d show up as being in Enfield, but it’s still possible.

She definitely read my blog last night because right after she read the “plant” in it where I claimed to have reactivated Ask just to be anonymously asked to follow (I named Kim’s accounts) on Twitter, she protected her tweets.

Nane was posting the usual kinds of TR pics I’ve already seen enough of but didn’t contact me. Oh well, I’m used to it. Maybe I’ll make her wait on me someday.

Here’s a funny Twitter story for you. Since people often don’t use their real names anyway, I decided to go with what’s trending to see if my follower count went up. So I became “Jodi Arias Hater,” and jumped 4 followers in less than a day. One follower is a famous judge in Miami. I never heard of him but I guess he has his own TV show. However, the intended goal wasn’t just to get more followers just for the sake of having more followers, but to get people to link to my blog and drive up book sales. Since blog traffic hasn’t gone up, though, I don’t see why book sales will. As with everything else that involves money, I have totally failed as an author. Oh well. At least Tom’s “allowed” to make more than enough.

I still worry about circumstances leading us back into the hands of poverty (with a little help from above), and I’m not talking about the kind where you’re tight for a while and that outfit you want has to wait a few months. I’m talking about the kind where you go hungry and are facing homelessness. As Tom pointed out, though, we just made another space payment and a mortgage payment, plus we’ve spent tons of money on new things for the house, yet the savings is going up. It’s going up slowly, but it’s going up. The 401K is going up faster.

As I was pointing out to him yesterday, first I wanted to win to get ahead in life, now I want to win so I can hire people to tackle the walls of OUR home. It’s not that I mind doing it myself, but I’m no pro. I don’t know that I could do that good a job. About 80% of the paneling in here was painted at some point and I can tell a pro did it cuz there isn’t a single drop of paint on the trim anywhere.

I dug up the old roast recipe my mother taught me when I last saw her in May of 1997 when she visited us in Phoenix. One of the few good contributions she ever left me. Only this idiot here forgot to add spices and didn’t add enough water either. It’s still plenty edible, though. I just added the spices afterward, more water, and cooked it at a lower temp for longer. Oh, the propane cooking this thing would’ve sucked up! LOL, it’s why I never cooked it while we were in the trailer as much as I wanted to at times, especially during the cooler weather. Now that we’re in a real house, the time of year doesn’t matter, though it’s still nothing I’d want to cook during the summer when we’re in triple digits.

I even managed to screw up poor Tom’s ice cream, LOL, by accidentally placing his chocolate topping shell in the refrigerator. He had to wait forever for it to warm up and turn to liquid again.

Anyway, for a whopping $15, we got an eye of the round roast. I put it in a big black roasting pot and dumped in a can of French onion soup and a can of golden mushroom soup, followed by 2 cans of water and a couple of cans of whole potatoes (these were mostly for Tom). You cook it at 350° for 3 or more hours.

You’ll be water-picking and brushing your teeth for sure afterward cuz you get strings of meat between them – ew. We got these super high-powered toothbrushes. I won one like it back in 2006 that was then worth over $100, but couldn’t find replacement heads anywhere. Now they’re common and much cheaper. So for $30 apiece, we each got one.

Neighborhood report now. No landscaping sounds today or yesterday, but the house on the side got annoying cuz they’re moving out. It’s still for sale, though, so we don’t think they’re moving cuz the house sold, but more likely because the owner died or went into some type of assisted living program and that’s why it’s for sale. It’s going to be a tough sale. Too high, bad location. They’re asking way too much for the place and it’s right on the edge of the park. Screaming kids, barking dogs, loud music – you’ll hear it all if you’re in that house and the people across the street and just beyond the wall happen to have any of that shit going.

Yesterday there were a ton of vehicles and door slamming. A really loud pickup was making trips in and out till after 9pm. A U-Haul was parked there when I got up, but it left shortly afterward and I haven’t seen or heard much activity there since. Still gotta deal with open house traffic and whoever moves in, but there are worse things to deal with. Watch, though, I told Tom. As soon as the newcomers get settled in, another one around us will go up for sale. Well, it won’t be next door, thankfully. They’re quiet 99% of the time. Almost too good to be true. I just can’t believe we got lucky enough to get such great neighbors, retirement community or not. They’re living proof, though, that you really can be civilized and you don’t have to make a scene every day and make your every move noticed. We’re talking two people just a few feet away. So Jesse, that one person who was a few hundred feet away, didn’t have to carry on like he did. There was simply no reason or excuse to be that noisy so often. So glad we’re not there anymore!

I haven’t had any energy to work out today. At least not for high-impact stuff. So I hit the floor and did some floor exercises like back bows, pushups, leg raises and ab/oblique crunches. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have the energy for the butt kickers, lateral jumps, jumping jacks, burpees, lunges and squats.

Later…

The pregnant God-lover popped into my blog for 8 minutes, no doubt due to Kim’s urging, since MD is closed today. It was open yesterday to make it a handy reference for me, but once I was done with what I had to do today, I set it private again. I’m sure Kim checks it every day to see if it’s open. Still don’t get why she’s determined to dodge tracking, though.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2013 Tom says there’s no way it was in the 40s yesterday morning and that Yahoo! was wrong. Maybe so, but it sure has been cooler. I like it hot when I’m not sleeping or working out, so I can be without robes, slippers and long sleeves. I like to hang out barefoot in shorts.

Tom’s got to work today and I’ll be in for lots of sweat and hunger doing those killer 1000-calorie workouts. As I hit mid-cycle the water slowly begins to come on, so I’m up a pound. I also ate a little more yesterday and most of it was the wrong foods. But damn that Velveeta cheese and shells cup was good!

I asked Tom if he thinks I’ll adapt to the everyday buzzing of landscaping equipment like I have with the traffic, and he said yes. I hope he’s right! It’s the weekend now and the two places with grass in their yards in the immediate area have already been done, so it may be quieter. It was actually quieter for the last two days. Just some buzzing diagonally from us for a half-hour or so right when I went to watch a video yesterday afternoon.

As disappointing as the sweeping’s been, I’m going to go get sweeping. My sweep subscription doesn’t end till Nov. 2nd anyway.

Later…

I’ve been doing my best to distance myself from Kim and hoping she’d do the same, but since we’re not always treated the way we treat others, I finally broke down. I couldn’t resist. So I created “April Smith” on Twitter and friended Kim with a plan in mind for the gullible, crazy sack of shit. April is 30, disabled from a car accident, and home alone bored in her apartment with lots of time to spare. She lives in Anaheim, too. I then randomly grabbed a face shot of a fat blond in that age range for her profile pic.

My goal is going to be hard to accomplish because Kim is both delusional and a liar. The idea is to try to get inside her head and see what’s really going on. To pay attention to things I never paid attention to back when we were “friends.” If I can get a handle on what makes her tick, then maybe she’ll be easier to deal with in the future.

I read her explanation of why she feels it’s best to block her ex-friends on Facebook “before they have a chance to find her,” but it didn’t make sense. Like I consciously go looking for her. rolls eyes Common problems with stalkers; they act like you’re the one stalking them.

Already I’ve got her talking about “loonies” which are her ex-friends and the ex-BF she never had. I’ve protected my tweets and am trying to get her to PM me so no one else who may be connected to Aly, Kathy or anyone else can see enough of our exchanges to figure out who I am. I doubt they would, but you never do know. I don’t want to move too fast and scare her off, but once I can get her to open up about me, I’ll hopefully get a sense of how close she’s stalking me, though I don’t know how much she’d be willing to admit no matter how much she may trust “April.” Or how much she even remembers. Again, if my MPD theory is right, she’s not always aware of what she does. At least not totally aware of it.

Based on the times she tweets, she seems to sleep from around 3am to noon her time and practically lives online as I pretty much suspected. I don’t see how she could possibly have a job. The bulk of her time is spent obsessing over celebrities. Gee, what a surprise. She creates tons of fan sites and interacts with those who are also fans. I had to pretend I was a Glee fan. Hope she doesn’t ask me any questions about the show I can’t answer.

I’m not going to play this game forever, of course, so how I’ll end it I’m not sure of right now. Maybe I’ll freak her out a bit by saying something like how I’m sorry her father died. Something she knows I shouldn’t know, LOL. Or maybe I’ll say I’m a friend of Kathy’s and how Kathy wants to dump her and all that.

Not sure if I want to let Alison in on what I’m doing or not. There’s still a part of me that’s hesitant to trust her. I’m 90-something percent sure I could, but maybe I’ll wait a while. I skimmed Kim’s private tweets once she added me and couldn’t find any mention of me. Just whining about Aly feeling “left out” and falsely flattering herself by thinking Aly cares enough to peek in on her that she’s got to hurry up and block her.

Anyway, I’m trying to get her to take the bait but she keeps running off. Got to make more fan sites. rolls eyes It’s sad that this deranged, 300-pound virgin with nothing but time can do nothing but live in a fantasy world and basically dedicate her life to these celebs she never met… when she’s not harassing people she was once friends with.

Molly hit my LJ blog real quick early this morning, so the “changed and restricted woman” is back at it again. I’m sure she’ll be back soon enough, but why that blog? She usually goes to MO. Either way, the only one she can read right now is on Blogger.

Later…

Game’s over. Already. And I did not expect it to end this way. Not at first anyway. I quickly got bored with the so-called attempt to get into her crazy head and realized I wasn’t going to get any useful info from her. So I said I was a friend of Kathy’s and that Kathy was pissed at her for hitting on Adam. The crazy bitch got off on it at first, laughing and saying how “fun” this was.

Then she disappeared for nearly an hour (probably to go confront Kathy), and then I unfollowed her and she unfollowed me. I then changed my u/n, but it was too late. The account was already suspended. It was either automatically flagged and shut down due to her blocking me, or she reported it. Chances are it was shut down for being a new account that received something like 4-5 blocks. Action wouldn’t have been taken that fast had she reported me, and there was nothing to “report.” Unless there’s spam, excessive foul language or threats, you can’t shut someone down for saying stuff you don’t want to hear. I could’ve agreed to behave, checked a few boxes and sprung the account back to life, but I don’t need it anymore.

After we were disconnected, I then peeked in on her public account from my real account and while she never named names, clearly she suspects me. I would’ve thought she thought either Aly or I was behind it, but what narrowed it down to me was how she said she has “left me and my sites alone.” Well, Aly doesn’t have sites. She’s had a few FB accounts trying to escape this loon, but she hasn’t been active on Ask or any blogging site that I know of.

She threatened to get me in trouble if I keep it up, of course, and admitted it was “fun” at first till it got creepy. And damn, how did they find her?

I’m surprised she didn’t run and shut all the accounts down like she always used to. Instead, she started to change the name of her public one, then changed it back.

Stop lying and leave her friends and family alone, she says. Oh, but it’s perfectly ok for her to hit up the friends of those who dumped her, right?

Enough of that fucktard.

When Aly questions me about it, and unfortunately she will, I’m not going to lie and say I had nothing to do with it. I’ll tell her what I did and why. If she tells Kim, she tells Kim, but I doubt she will.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2013 It’s been unusually cold. It’s now just 40fucking6 degrees out and I’m not liking it one bit. Had to run the heat for a little while, but have switched it off and put my robe on till it warms up. It’s to be back in the 80s today, thankfully. When I’m not sleeping or working out, I hate being cold!

I guess they haven’t left yet next door, after all. I noticed their light on early this morning when I walked into the kitchen.

Last night in my dreams my rats turned into shrieking guinea pigs, someone installed gray carpet in here that was wavy, and then my whorebag brother returned from the dead to take me swimming in some filthy stream.

Still plugging away at the French one lesson at a time, and still not sure which is harder, French or Italian. Probably French.

Have to give my muscles a day of recovery after yesterday’s kick-ass workout. Imagine doing jumping jacks and push-ups for an hour and a half straight. Well, that’s how intense these workouts are. I’ve even got a pulled muscle in my foot. So other than laundry, I’m going to be sitting on my ass all day. Only my brain and hands will be active.

Sometimes I ask myself why I bother killing myself with these insane workouts till I remember how good they make me feel. I was delighted to catch a glimpse of my profile in the mirror this morning to see how much my tummy, lower back and ass have gone down. My upper tummy is virtually flat again, even if I still kind of have to either suck it in or lay flat on my back.

Got views yesterday and today from the Sac, but no more dreams of the Doc. GA isn’t nearly as detailed as TIP is, so I can’t say what time or what pages they viewed.

After talking with Aly yesterday, I’d say the 2 San Angelo and 2 Junction visits were Kathy. They’ve really been restricting Molly’s online activity from what she’s been told. She and Kathy share a mutual friend who says she and Kim have become chummy for some reason lately. Maybe that’s because Kim goes along with everything she says, a must if you want to remain Kathy’s friend. I know Kathy was also afraid to stir Kim up due to her craziness.

Anyway, Kim has a couple of private Twitter accounts, and she is reading my blog. We just don’t know if she’s having Kathy read it for her or if she’s figured out how to disable cookies. The accounts are under celebrity names, of course. She started following a friend of Aly’s who returned the favor. The friend reports her 20+ tweets saying she’s not feeling well, people are picking on her even though she’s done nothing to deserve it, etc. Well, apparently I’m “harassing” her by blogging about her friending friends of those who have dumped her under false pretenses.

We have long given up trying to figure her out and how her twisted mind works. All I know is that for some reason she is determined to remain as anonymous as possible where I’m concerned, and thank God, too. The day she decides to come at me from bogus accounts, or as herself, is the day she could make my online life a bit of a bitch. The fact that she hides from me tells me she must have some awareness of what she’s done and is at least somewhat worried she may get in trouble for pestering me. But will things remain the same with her year after year? Or will she eventually get worse and worse till someone stops her?

While a part of me misses some of the drama and found some of it to be a bit amusing (I guess because it’s just so silly and childish), it’s important that I look out for myself. The last thing I want is this nutjob making trouble for me in other ways. She couldn’t play the race card since she’s also white, but God above would make damn sure that she won, and I, the victim, was the one to get screwed. I meant it when I said I’d never let anyone put me through that again.

Another part of me is tempted to reopen MD and Ask, but not allow for anonymous questions on Ask.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2013 Again I dreamed of my dentist, though I don’t remember any details of the dream. Why do I dream of her so often? I had another local visitor yesterday early in the morning (this time listed as being in Sacramento), so maybe some of my local visits really are from her and I’m sensing her presence in my dreams or something.

“I don’t have to like anyone I don’t want to like. I don’t have to feel guilty for it either.”

Saw this on someone’s wall and totally agree. I used to feel a tinge of guilt and shame and tended to hide the fact that I’m not particularly fond of some individuals as well as some groups of people who, if you’re willing to open your eyes and your mind to the statistics, aren’t very helpful to society. But not anymore. Hey, as long as we’re not harming anyone, we all have a right to like and dislike whomever we please the same as we do with foods, music and color. No one likes everyone and no one is liked by everyone. Like it or not, that’s just a fact of life. Might as well deal with it.

Lost another pound, so now I’m down 9 pounds total with 36 more to go. Still doubt I’ll lose that much, but am glad to have stopped gaining. Had 1200 calories yesterday and might take it up to 1500 today. I’m hungry as hell. This is typical after hitting a new low. I dread entering the PMS zone when I tend to have days when nothing I eat fills me up. Did one of those 1000-calorie workouts yesterday and another one today that I haven’t done before. As usual, I fell short on some of the cardio training due to the extra weight (and maybe age?) but did better on the strength and core strengthening. Been pushing myself so hard that I may have to take a day off tomorrow or do a shorter video that’s about 20 minutes. Today I did an 84-minute one that was the longest 84 minutes of my life, LOL. Might as well have been 884 minutes. I’m totally burned out now and am glad I don’t have any cleaning or laundry to do today. I actually feel like I could take a nap. Just maybe I will. I’ll kick on the sound machine and just relax and drown out those damn landscaping sounds, which will probably start up in another half hour or so.

Later…

Wow. It’s just after 10am and still peaceful. No landscapers, no door slamming, no nothing yet. Part of that may be due to it being the coldest it’s been since moving in here. It’s even windy enough that I can hear my newest wind chime in front. It hangs just outside the window barely 5’ from where I sit.

Anyway, it got down to a frigid 67° inside the house, but the sun is now warming the place up nicely. It’s to be 76° today. The cold is better for sleeping and working out, though I do not like it much otherwise. I had to laugh, though, knowing we’d have the heat on for damn sure if we were still in that little old trailer. It would’ve been too warm not to go to bed with the window open and I’d wake up freezing and scramble to shut the window and get the heat going.

Bye, bye, Bob and Virginia. Yeah, they just left for vacation. Tom was on his way to pick up the mail yesterday when Virginia jumped out to meet him. She wanted to let us know that she and Bob are going on vacation for 3 weeks and that their son will be keeping an eye on the place, so we wouldn’t think anyone broke in. Since they don’t have a dog, why the close eye in a gated retirement community in a nice neighborhood? Maybe they have a cat or plants to water. Hopefully, the kid will park in front and go around to the front door instead of parking alongside us and going into the garage. If he does park by us, hopefully he comes and goes and quietly as his parents do. The light was on at 5am as usual this morning, so I saw from the kitchen window and knew they hadn’t left yesterday night.

She also said she’d have more tomatoes for us next year (I told Bob the previous morning when I had the front door open and saw him shut the back of his SUV how good they were).

I love our new home, park and neighborhood, but really get sick of the landscaping sounds, as I’ve said before. I heard what sounded like tree branches being thrown in a wood chipper in the common area yesterday and it was louder than what I usually hear. I guess that after the first rain, they are eager to prep for the winter rains, assuming we get that much. It’s almost impossible to do anything that requires a quiet background in the daytime, especially between 9am - 2pm. In some ways, I hear more here than at the Jes pest, though I’d still take the predictable sounds at predictable hours without the welfare bums mixed in. It’s still dead quiet most of the time, too. All I hear now are vehicles speeding down the freeway, a pleasant sound.

Andy suggested going to Macy’s and asking for makeup tips, but right now I’ve got more important things to focus on than trying to pretty up my face. For now, I’ll adopt the “don’t like it, don’t look” attitude. After I see how much more progress I can make from the neck down, then maybe I’ll consider the face.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2013 Had trouble typing on my new keyboard and decided to switch back to my old one again. I like its layout better even though they’ve changed it a bit to make the newer keyboards skinnier.

I’ve lost 8 pounds in the 2 months we’ve been here. That may not seem like much, but to one as short as I am it goes a long way. I did a rigorous hour of kickboxing cardio this morning and have come to realize how much less boring doing a variety of videos is compared to the treadmill. The treadmill is boring whether I read while I’m at it, listen to music or watch TV. The vids provide a fun variety of routines whereas walking and running are just walking and running. I didn’t have the room to bop around to vids in the trailer, but now that I do I may retire the treadmill for a while. It was fun for the few years I had it and it has served its purpose, but a break from the thing is definitely in order. For now, my mat, dumbbells, and resistance bands are enough. Tom doesn’t care for running but may want to use the treadmill for walking.

I don’t see how you can really burn many calories and lose much weight from yoga or other no to low-impact activities. Some people who are older and or prone to injuries may have no choice, but I find the high-energy workouts more effective. I’m still a big girl, though, so some of the jumping exercises are still a bit much for me, and I have to improvise. But I feel like I’m really working out when my heart’s pumping and the sweat’s pouring. Yeah, I’m really on my way to becoming an expert on hooks, jabs, uppercuts, crossovers, burpees, star jumps and more.

I may always look fat, old and ugly, but damn do I need to do something about my makeup these days. Andy had said (in an honest way and not a hurtful one), that the way my makeup looked in pictures taken a few years ago reminded him of a character in the movie Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. It’s true that makeup simply doesn’t look like it once did on me, even though I apply it the same as always. It makes me look more clownish these days rather than just made up, so I’ve eased up on the mascara since my eyelashes have always been ridiculously long. In the picture, he pointed out I also didn’t have any foundation on and so I looked sunburned due to whatever (rosacea?) has been causing the constant redness in my face that began about 6 years ago.

Still get the runs at times too, and still don’t know why. I eat healthy and I get enough fiber. I have no stress or anxiety in my life right now either.

I opened the windows yesterday and ran the central fan to air the place out a bit. Opening some of these 30-year-old windows is a bitch! I’d like to replace them someday. I just feel so – I guess exposed is the word – when windows are open. I may not be so private online, but I like my privacy on the home front. I definitely miss the seclusion of the woods, but not the Jes pest that ruled those woods. Or his mutts.

It stayed quiet till 9:00 yesterday morning, then it was on to musical car doors with a burst of landscaping somewhere in back at 9:30, and a round in front at lunchtime. I suppose Bob will blow himself today, though I still love it here very much. I’m not going to let any evil God get this place, too. I just wish He hadn’t taken my winnings. He gave me a condition that prevents me from working. Then He helped see to it that I couldn’t get the compensation I deserve. My only financial contribution to our household was my wins, but it looks like He’s gone and taken that, too. I guess I’m just meant to be as “valuable” as an old cigar wrapper, and again I am thankful to have a husband who sees my love and upkeeping of the pets and house as sufficient enough. You know you are truly loved when conditions don’t matter and you simply do what you can do and that’s plenty good enough.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2013 Amongst the usual spider dreams and dreams of being held places against my will, and even being dumb enough to type a long journal entry that I lost on MD, which doesn’t have an auto-save, I had a sad and scary dream about Andy.

Andy called and sounded very down and worn out. I asked him what was wrong. He hesitated a moment, then said, “I’ve got cancer.” I knew by the way he said it that it wasn’t treatable. After we hung up Tom gathered me into his arms as I cried, “I don’t want to lose my best friend!”

If it were before the fall of 2011, I’d be scared shitless for him. I wouldn’t expect him to actually die of cancer, but I would expect something to go wrong for him. The vast majority of my negative dreams were coming true like crazy between 2007-2011. Every time I would dream of a friend or a family member dying, getting into an accident, or becoming seriously ill, something bad would happen to them. I had dreams of Tammy dying and her lung condition worsened. A friend also died in my dreams that was dealing with breast cancer. That lying shit Maliheh fell overboard from a speedboat in one of my dreams and came within 500’ of being wiped out by a tornado around the same time.

Again, if it were a couple of years ago I’d worry and say that his next 72 hours were critical, not that any of my dreams have ever altered fate. But I seem to have lost most of my psychic abilities. I can’t influence myself to win like crazy like I used to, and I haven’t had any dream premonitions in quite a while now.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 2013 So Mommy Dearest has been dead for a year now. Not long enough. Just not long enough. As I told my sister, who also struggles with horrible memories, since God didn’t give a damn about how she treated us when she was alive, hopefully He very much gives a damn right now if there is such a thing as life after death. raises imaginary wine glass Here’s to hoping the Hündin is stuck on a plane full of tarantulas!

I had a dream I was wandering through our backyard at the house I grew up in. I slowly climbed up the steep, but brief hill into the wooded area with a small clearing in which my old swing set sat. I walked beyond the swings and to the fence in back. It used to be a seemingly endless stretch of nothing but woods, and as a child, I did not dare climb over that fence, lest any monsters pop out from behind the trees and eat me alive. But in the dream, I was an adult and I knew it was safe to cross the fence. I proceeded to climb over it, but then the woods gave way to long freshly paved streets in which houses with no walls adorned the sides. I could see kitchens, bedrooms and living rooms as I walked down the wide road, but there were no walls and no people in sight. Everything was open and modern, yet barren and lonely.

Last night I looked at my old house and the house next to it where my maternal grandparents lived on Google Maps. The once well-manicured lawns and well-kept roads have changed quite a bit. The roads are now all beat up and the neighborhood as a whole looks rather ordinary with a few newer mansions that are a bit nicer. Gone are the vast expanses of woods in back in which new homes now sit. You couldn’t see any houses in back in the ’70s, but now you can see rooftops peeking through the trees. My parents and grandparents definitely wouldn’t have liked that at all. Gone are the lush hedges that once divided the properties and added some privacy. Now they’re nothing but scattered, dead-looking clumps of bushes. If my grandparents were still alive, would they still be there? I wonder.

My other dream was about Tom and I outside our place, only it didn’t quite look like this place. On the side of the house toward the roof was a giant spider. Tom was prepping this thing you hook to a hose that shoots a mix of poison and water, and I cried out, “Hurry up! The thing is starting to move upwards. Hurry!”

Later…

Although TIP missed them, I’ve got visitors, according to GA, from San Angelo and Junction, Texas. Molly-related? Either way, why aren’t they showing up on TIP? San Angelo once showed up on TIP, and I thought it could be Molly-connected, even though it’s closer to where Kathy is.

Love my new rat figurines, which would’ve been perfect if one’s paw hadn’t fallen off along the way. It’s barely noticeable, though, and not worth returning.

The mornings have been chilly and the AC didn’t even run at all yesterday. Today it will, though, cuz it’s to be 85°. I was thinking I might open windows and air the place out on Thursday because it’s supposed to be windy that day.

While I slept on Sunday, Tom said it poured like crazy for a few minutes, then drizzled the rest of the day. Really wish it would stop raining only at night or on Sundays, leaving the week wide open to the annoying landscapers. Wish the house across the side street would hurry up and sell too, so there won’t be as much traffic coming to see the place.

Early yesterday morning we went to Walgreens and got some fun stuff. Those little things we women love – perfume, nail polish, lip gloss and Calgon’s English Garden bath beads. I don’t take baths very often, but when I do it will be nice to have soft, silky, fragrant water. It was either that or bubble bath. I also got a lovely blue beaded bracelet, and I think that was it.

Tom said there’s no use making all this money if we’re not going to spend some of it, and it was good to get out anyway. He got a few things, too.

All my cleaning, working out and writing-related stuff is done for the day, along with my French lesson, so I think I’ll spend the rest of my day, which began last evening, with videos and reading.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2013 It’s freezing in here! Most wouldn’t think 72° was cold, but I’m used to it being 78° - 82° in here. It’s great for working out, though. Yesterday I completed a 64-minute, 1000-calorie workout that burns 500-1000 calories. I’m so proud of myself! It was a very intense workout and even my hands were sweating. I’d give most people my age 5-10 minutes tops, although I myself did fall a few seconds short on a couple of exercises. Having extra weight can really bog you down on some of them, but I am slowly losing weight and inches and will continue to do so for as long as I can. Love how much better I feel! My flexibility is returning and I haven’t had any joint pain.

My bad ear has been worse overall, though, since the move, and I wonder if the drop in elevation could have anything to do with it. I often feel an achy pressure-like sensation and so I decided to pop a couple of Aleve at the start of each day rather than wait for the discomfort to set in. Then if I feel any irritation come on in the middle of the day, I can take more if need be.

Good and bad news from Tammy. They can’t operate on Mark because it would be too risky. He could either live for years or drop dead today. It’s a scary thing for them to have to live with, but they intend to make the best of what he’s got left. That’s all anyone can do is make the best of whatever life/situation they’ve got, for we’re not in the driver’s seat of our lives as much as we’d like to think we are, and no, we don’t quite always have “free will.”

Tammy will soon make an appointment with her pulmonologist to see what they’re going to do in her case and when.

So many people are getting sick these days, so it seems. While I don’t usually care to know about those I don’t personally know, I once idolized Linda Ronstadt, and it’s sad to know she’s got Parkinson’s, even though she seemed perfectly normal in one of her more recent interviews.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 2013 I know it may sound silly since they love me either way, but I almost wish Andy and other friends could see me for a second in person to see the progress I’ve been making with the working out. No camera can precisely convey how we really look. Not sure how much more I’ll accomplish, but what I have so far is nice, even if it’s not much. Tom sure thinks it is, though, LOL.

Andy crashed shortly after I got up. As kids, our game was crazy 8’s. As young adults, it was prank calls. As middle-agers, it’s sharing pics on Ask, which also provides a handy way to keep in touch and up to date with what’s going on with us. I think I like our middle-age game the best. :)

Tom says he’s tired of working and sleeping, working and sleeping, and I don’t blame him. So he has informed me that Sunday he wants to do something “fun.” LOL, I will do my best to please him even though I’m still mostly on nights right now. Aside from what we may do right here at home, there’s only so much open early Sunday morning which will be the end of my day at that time. Walmart, Denny’s, the casino…

Been sleeping better than ever, but had a couple of strange dreams last night. I actually had several, but only remember two. In one dream we were still living with the Jes pest. Two mornings in a row he drove down unannounced and even woke Tom up. Feeling bad for Tom and pissed at his rudeness, I wanted to let him have it but Tom insisted it was fine. So glad that was just a dream!

My paternal grandmother was in the second dream I remember. She was a pretty nice woman, unlike my maternal grandmother who was the bitch her daughter was. She made the comment about having a bad feeling and I just shrugged it off. Then I got the impression some time passed when she said it again in what appeared to be the first dream to take place in this house. She was standing just inside the kitchen when I went to reach for something in the refrigerator. After she spoke I shut the door and said, “A bad feeling about what, Nana? Emotional? Physical? Legal?”

She said nothing and so I said, “Touching someone sometimes helps make us see things. Here, let me hug you.”

As I went to hug her she said, “You can hug me, but don’t touch me,” whatever that means.

Now that it’s getting later into the night and cooler inside the house (it’s supposed to be only 70° and rainy today) I’m going to really challenge myself tonight. They have these 1000-calorie workouts that burn about 500-1000 calories, depending on your fitness/fat level. They usually take an hour to do. Don’t know if I can last that long, but I’m going to find out!

Andy’s fun but continues to be the pervert from hell. He can’t even go a day without posting some picture or comment that somehow pertains to sex.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2013 I was sitting on the couch while I was eating a protein bar and felt totally lost in our humungous living room. I was just a tiny spec within. An L-shaped couch in there would probably not only look best but be better for watching TV. That way it’d be right in front of part of the couch and not off to the side. If it was slightly off to the side, that’d be one thing, but 15’ away is a bit much, even with a 42” screen.

Paula’s been leaving messages for me to call her and she knows I don’t like that. She knows I hate phones. Besides, we recently talked and swapped letters. I suppose she’s just lonely. She has no life at all. She’s single, alone, lonely, fucked in the head, jobless and without any skills or talents to occupy her time. It’s been this way since we met up at the Laundromat back in 1990. This autistic, paranoid woman with ADHD simply exists but does not live. She is still someone I care about and I really hope they get rid of her ovarian cancer. She told me she’d be ok and she may really believe that, but when it’s coming from someone that’s not very bright at all, you can never really know for sure. She could be in remission only to see the damn thing return.

Soon I will send her the pictures of the house she asked for since she’s obviously never going to be online. I’m sending my Italian dad the same pics, too.

Tom’s exhausted and the rats are the usual – Romeo chases the duster, Sugar chases me.

Although it took a week, the sensitivity within my new crown is gone.

Working out in bursts of 10s where I sprint at 5 MPH for 45 seconds, rest a few seconds, do it again, rest again, then do it again. This comes to 22 ½ minutes of running and burns 300 calories. I’m too heavy to do it all at once and since I know I’m not going to lose any more weight, I’ve got to work with what I have. I’m just glad I stopped gaining. I hate to struggle just to stay 40 pounds overweight (though the charts say it’s 25), but it also keeps me fit, strong and flexible and helps with joint pain.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2013 My Citrus Heights viewer who was definitely, definitely NOT me, hasn’t been around in a few days.

I had dreams of winning but awoke to find not one single win notice in my inbox. Guess I’m only allowed to be psychic these days when things aren’t going well. Either way, if I don’t do some serious winning soon enough and start winning more than chips and T-shirts, I’m going to shut down both my Twitter and Pinterest accounts. It would suck too, cuz I always felt that that was my main way of contributing, as funny as it may sound. If it’s true that God picks and chooses our illnesses, injuries and conditions – well – first He sicced one on me that kept me from adding an additional income to our household, and now you mean He’s gone and taken my winnings, too? I was winning cash and prizes that compared to a decent part-time job, and I know my husband loves me unconditionally and that I contribute enough just taking care of the house, but still… must I lose that, too? There are other ways to make money but not like that. No one’s gonna give me 9 grand to tell them what something means in Spanish. They’re not going to send me on a Caribbean cruise for reviewing their business either.

Well, I can’t win and I can’t have my disability benefits reinstated which are so rightfully mine, but I am immensely thankful that Tom is unlike other men. No man wants his wife at home these days. No man. Not unless she has a “visible” or “normal” condition that most people have heard of, and even then they often turn against them. If the woman can’t bring in the dough the same as he can, then he’s not interested. That’s just today’s marriage rules for you; instead of staying home with kids, you skip the kids and go to work. Well, I skipped the kids, so can I please start winning big again?

According to what Tom read, the cost of housing has soared in this area faster and higher than anywhere else in the country. Had we waited any longer we may’ve been forced to settle for another dumpy old single-wide despite all the money we had. Going from someone else’s shit single-wide to our own in an area that forbids barking, blasting music and other annoyances, would’ve been better than nothing, but how much of a step up would that really have been compared to this? I’m kind of surprised God didn’t help stall things even more so that we would have to continue living so poorly. He seemed to really enjoy seeing us do that year after year anyway. That’s ok, though, cuz while He may’ve denied me many things in life, I have denied Him myself. A small loss when you consider that there are 7 billion people in the world and that what I think of Him obviously isn’t important to Him, but I still like the thought of knowing I turned my back against Him same as I would any human being that treated or allowed me to be treated unjustly and unfairly. And guess what? I’m never walking back. I’m gone for good.

But what in the world has been on our side blessing us with good things these last few years??? Whatever/whoever it was that helped save us a couple of years ago couldn’t have been my parents or my foster mother as they were still alive at that time. Tom’s dad? Our grandparents? Or was it just a coincidence that we got a job and out of that trailer just in the nick of time?

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2013 Things are running smoothly and we’ve got a lot to look forward to over the upcoming months. Gotta call the travel agency soon to plan our trip to Hawaii, then come home, paint walls, get the new car, and install new carpet and flooring, etc.

It was chilly in here early yesterday morning. I went to bed cold and woke up warm. I still sleep better here than in the trailer, now that I’m adjusting to the traffic. It helps to add an earplug when I’m on nights and to always be able to keep the room dark. Blackout shades don’t do you much good when you have an evaporative cooler and need to crack windows and let tons of light in. We’ve still got a while before we need heat and heavier blankets. That’s usually not till late October or early November here.

Been on a roll with the French and doing well, but haven’t yet gotten back to my story writing. Maybe one of these days.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2013 When the pipes spit air at me when I got up to pee and wash my face, I knew we must’ve played water games again that day, and was glad I slept through it. That’s how many times now since we’ve been here? Four? Five? I’ve literally lost count of how many times this has happened in the 2 months and 1 week that we’ve lived here. I still don’t understand why they don’t do the whole park at once and get it over with in one shot. Tom said that’d cost them way too much money and that they’d have to dig up the roads in the entire park. I can see not wanting to tear up the whole park, but they’re going to have to spend the money eventually on these old pipes anyway. I just dread the day the water stops when my hair is full of shampoo!

When Andy pointed out that he hasn’t been harassed by the trolls, I realized that this is probably because he’s never been friends with the trolls for years like Aly and I were, and because they know he’s never been friends with Aly either. They’re looking for those with public accounts on which Aly has commented. They know they’ve never been friends, so there’s no reason to focus on Andy. Or to lash out at him in anger over having been dumped for being a crazy, habitual liar.

My Citrus Heights viewer again has me stumped, but I still think it’s almost certainly me with a twisted view count. I probably didn’t filter myself out correctly, whereas it’s easy to do so on Blogger and TIP. Same browser, same OS, same provider… though why it would say I was in one city in real-time and another when I visit the blog, beats me. I’ve been in a few times today and so far it still says there have been 0 views from my town today. This part also makes no sense if it’s me. Tom thinks it started off as being me, but since I filtered myself out, it’s someone else. But then why would it see me in RT and not my visits?

Been winning little stuff, which is better than nothing, but it’s been a disappointing experience so far. Tom thinks I’ll win big again someday, but wouldn’t think that had I not gotten any small wins.

I’m looking more fit and pretty good for one just a couple of years away from 50. I may look like shit compared to 20 years ago, but I know I’m doing pretty well for my age and that a lot of women out there would kill to weigh what I weigh. I don’t expect much more change within the scale or my measurements at this age, but I like how the exercise has made me look and feel.

I also like and am amazed at how such a little trim has really gone a long way as far as making my hair feel and look healthier. I didn’t think it’d do much good.

Saturday will be the first day in months that we don’t make it into the 80s. It’s even gonna be cloudy. While I LOVE the heat and HATE long sleeves, sometimes I get sick of the constant dry heat and fierce sun. Sometimes I just want rain, clouds and cooler weather that’s more comfortable for working out in. I want to snuggle under a real blanket. Instead, I sleep with the fan on and a little pink blanket that’s so thin you could floss your teeth with it.

I’ve learned that French is both easier and harder than Italian while German is still the hardest of those I’ve studied. The grammar part of plurals is simpler, but the pronunciation of many plural words sounds the same as the singular version, making those listening exercises a bit tricky. Their software is great. It’s not too easy, but challenging enough not to seem impossible and make you want to give up. If your brain isn’t “set” for languages and you have no desire for them then forget it. You’ll never get beyond the first level.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2013 On this very day in 2011 we learned we would die (it was just a question of how) before what may’ve been the spirits of our dead loved ones rushed in to save us. Two years later my husband made big bucks, I made a small win (just some stupid things for the kitchen), and then I learned that Kim’s gone Molly, all while being in the comfort and security of our own home.

So much for Aly signing up for a new FB account since Kim was able to remember who her public friends were and check their accounts for comments from her. She is also friending friends of ex-friends in hopes of being part of our lives that way and having others to harass and basically use as a weapon against us, and what better people than our friends and family, right?

I’ve described Kim and what she does and suggested those with public accounts go friends only, but most don’t seem to want to heed my warning. I guess they either feel it won’t happen to them, can’t relate to the possible consequences of remaining public, or maybe they’ve got a little troll in themselves so they actually can relate. At least a little bit. I’d feel bad if they got caught up in shit that had nothing to do with them, of course, and I’d hate to see them harassed and possibly their own friends and families too, but they at least can’t say I didn’t warn them if she does latch onto them. They’re big boys and girls, though. They can take care of themselves and I know they gotta do what they gotta do. I figure those with public accounts must want it that way for a reason, usually so old friends can look you up and know who you are and what’s up with you. I can understand that while people want to be cautious, they also don’t want to feel locked in a cage when online, so to speak, and to deny themselves sites and features they enjoy. If it weren’t for Molly and then Kim I’d probably be public too, only because I don’t care who sees what as long as it’s not sensitive info. I wouldn’t blog if I did.

I’m not there much myself anymore due to the glitches and the news feed being littered with crap, but I do try to check in once or twice a day to pick up any messages and comments I may have.

Anyway, I’ve made them aware of the situation and it’s up to them how they want to handle it. I alerted them to her real name, age and location and described what she looks like, letting them know she often uses variations of her name, as well as impersonates celebrities and other people. From what I’ve heard, she’s obsessed with Glee actors these days.

As some of us have learned, though, this sick twist has very little concept of right, wrong, fact and fiction. She’s so damn crazy I’m amazed she hasn’t threatened anyone yet. I almost wish she would, though.

Anyway, we’re thinking of having them do both the carpet and the kitchen/laundry/second bath floors next April or May. That way the rainy season (assuming we ever have one again) is over with, but it’s not yet so hot that the AC would be running like crazy.

We’re probably going to go with crème instead of lavender because the place is so damn big. So much lavender, pink or mint green would simply be too overwhelming, not to mention colors that could clash with other things. Little shit trailers are a different story.

All we have to do in the meantime is hope that God isn’t cruel enough to have Tom laid off so all our plans are shot to hell for who knows how long. I’m not stupid, though. The last thing any God cares about is our damn carpet. So I guess we can be glad that they’re not only always busy as hell where he works, but glad for all the OT, too. We could literally live off of that alone, even here. Literally.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2013 LOL, Kathy tried to view my blog, but couldn’t quite make it. I was wondering if she’d try again. Well, she apparently tried to link through to MO, unable to get to my Blogger link, since making that blog for friends only. She must’ve been too stupid to think to check her history (if she saves it) or have a friend see if they could get it from my FB page since she’s got me blocked. She definitely suspects Aly or myself as being behind the nasty Ask messages, but I don’t care. I’m 100% done with her now. Too risky playing with one who’s both Mexican and pregnant. Texas is too much like Arizona. If she wants to focus more on me than the kid she’s supposedly having, that’s her problem, but I’m done.

My Citrus Heights viewer is definitely, definitely me. It may not update as fast as it should, but it’s definitely me. So that solves that mystery.

Ok, even though Tom and I both hate beer, we’re entered to win a trip to next year’s Oktoberfest in Munich so we can meet Nane.

I was so fucking pissed last night. I was all excited about tackling French 101 only to find that LiveMocha has TOTALLY changed. It’s nothing like it used to be. I hate their new language-learning software. It’s glitchy and a poor way to learn, IMO. Why oh why can’t things ever stay the same?! Underwear, wallpaper and piss-poor attitudes are for changing, not sites that people liked just the way they were. Change, change, change… I fucking hate it! sighs All good things really do come to an end.

Then I discovered Duolingo and started their basic French course until I’m asked to pay to advance further or that site goes to hell too.

Was reading an article about whether or not they think some people have an easier time learning languages than others and why. It not only stated the obvious – that we tend to do better in what we like, but that the area of the brain responsible for languages is enlarged in people like me. Let me guess… the part that processes numbers is so damn microscopic in my case that not even the most powerful microscope can detect it, right?

Wish I knew why I’ve been having the runs more and more often. Makes me wonder if my weight’s down due to that more than to all the activity. I just don’t get it, though. I’m not nervous or worried about anything. Life is great. I have everything I need and most of what I want, so I can’t complain. If anything, I worry more for friends and family who have been having hard times in various ways.

The only negative thing is that tomorrow is the two-year anniversary of when we got our would-be death sentence in the mail. It was just about the worst and scariest day of our lives. September 27th, on the other hand, was the one day and the one day only when a true miracle occurred. The phone rang with news we’d been waiting for for half a year, just days before we’d have had to either kill ourselves or let the streets do it for us. Well, the streets would’ve done it for us in a much slower, more agonizing way. But here I am, two years later in a home of our own. I have emerged stronger and wiser. I now have more paranoia about spending money and more hatred for God. The more He lets life rain down shit upon me than most can ever imagine, let alone deserve, the further away I turn from Him. And just like I’d be proud of myself for turning against a person of a negative influence, I praise myself for filling my heart a little fuller with hate each time He lets disaster strike, while others tell themselves God simply “teaches us lessons” and “strengthens” us and “tests” us. This may be so to a degree, understandably, but enough is enough for some people! And no, whatever doesn’t kill us doesn’t always make us stronger. I’m stronger in many ways, yes, but in some ways, I’m also more fragile, more paranoid and more anxious. Things are going well right now, as I just said, and I haven’t had any nightmares, but how long will last? How long???

Now that I’ve set more realistic goals for one my age, my goal is to be the exact same weight I am now at this time next month. Millions and millions of older folks struggle to lose weight year after year that never comes off and I don’t want to be one of those people. I want to just accept that we’re supposed to be heavy when we age, the weight’s not going anywhere, and to just eat healthy most of the time, keep active and try not to gain more. I only take one day off a week for the no-nos like sweets, potatoes and things like that.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2013 Sarah’s 23 today and Aly has confirmed that she has cut ties with Kathy, which was easy to do. Yeah, dropping assholes is a very easy thing to do next to breathing. The “Crazy Beagle Bitch” must suspect I was the one who had some nasty things to say about her on Ask before she ran and deactivated her account there because she spent 12 minutes on my blog yesterday. This was no doubt to see if I mentioned her or maybe at least getting similar shit from Kim or someone else.

I just couldn’t help, as much as it may’ve been stooping to her level, lashing out at Kathy after the way she has treated both Aly and me.

Aly also confirms that she doesn’t know of any NorCal friends Kim may have.

The mystery of my Citrus Heights visitor has deepened. I would’ve been 100% convinced it wasn’t me until I noticed that GA sees me in real-time, which only called for more questions. In real-time, it listed me as being in Sacramento. TIP agreed. But if GA sees me in real time, then why not my page views? And if it does see my page views, then why would that say I was in CH while RT said Sac???

I sent the people at LiveJournal a message saying that it was too bad there was no easy way to make all posts private or friends only, and was told that a plus subscription would make that easy enough. But then today I accidentally discovered a quick and simple way to do just that. So now LJ and MD are private while MO is friends only. This way I can focus on maintaining/editing one blog only while the others serve as a backup.

Last night I finally got around to organizing our file box with hard copies of things pertaining to things like manuals, taxes, insurance and things like that.

Not gonna do much tonight. Just read, proofread/publish old stuff, and copy old stuff over here as well.

Later…

Was thinking of the financial pinch Tammy and Mark have been feeling, and it just seems kind of bizarre. Not that I don’t doubt it, as hard times can fall upon anyone. It’s the timing that’s a bit unnerving. Upon moving in here, although it wasn’t a serious fear that was always at the forefront of my mind, I did voice my concern to Tom about Tammy going broke so she would be unable to help us if we went broke again, too. If God can hate Tammy enough to damn her physically like He has been doing for years now, he can curse her in other ways, too. Well, why not pick a way that could negatively affect two people He hates?

I know that Tammy can’t accept that God is not always good and that no, He doesn’t love us all equally, and yes, He really does play favorites at times. Like most people out there, this is just too scary a concept to possibly admit and accept. God favors, protects and blesses some, but like it or not, He also lets some people suffer unfairly. And yes, He really does give some of us more than we can handle. Take that absolutely sickening and heartbreaking case of the woman who was gang-raped, beaten and ultimately killed in India. God gave her more than she could handle. So why do some people feel they are invincible and assume that just because they’ve always had it good – or at least had had it good for a while – that He won’t one day sic a sack of potatoes on them too heavy to bear? Sorry, folks, but none of us are exempt from His wrath and hate.

Really hope, though, that my husband and I never again experience such hard times and that surgery will put Mark back on his feet and back in business.

I’m no longer going to proofread and post old journals as often as I have been because it’s just so much work. Like Andy said, what’s the rush? I have about 180 more entries to go and will now post just a couple a day instead of 10-15. It’s been a very time-consuming project, I’m sick of it, and I need a break.

I still haven’t gotten back to my stories and languages, and now it’s time to decide if I want to start learning a new language or review old ones. I think I’ll do both. I’ll review some Italian and maybe enroll myself in the French course. I already know a little French, so that should help the less advanced lessons. Then I was thinking I may go for the Hindi, Russian, and maybe even Dutch, since it’s related to German. I can already feel that excitement and anticipation building up that only a true language junkie could understand, sort of like a racecar driver revving up his engines and ready to go. When you practically have tears of joy in your eyes over the thrill of learning a new language, even if it’s not quite “new,” you know you’re a real language addict. I can understand a lot of French I read since it’s another romance language, but I’m sick of not always knowing its pronunciation guidelines so I can speak it as well as read and understand it. So… French 101, here I come!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2013 I’m still torn between thinking my CH viewer is me vs. someone else. Sometimes it jumps a count when I hit my blog, sometimes it doesn’t. So if it’s me it’s counting, it’s doing it in a really weird way. I also still can’t figure out why some trackers see things that others don’t. According to GA, I’ve had visitors from countries TIP can’t seem to see.

Another short, sweet and probably boring entry, mostly cuz I don’t have much to say and am quite busy.

They took Tom and other coworkers to Thunder Valley Casino for a buffet that was outrageously expensive ($30), even though he didn’t have to pay for it. He didn’t bother with gambling since we have money and he says it’s not as fun to do alone. He could’ve with coworkers, but that wouldn’t be much fun for him either. Coworkers are for working with, not playing with. Maybe we’ll go together sometime. It’s just not a high priority now. First I want to get the savings back in the 5-digit range so spending 3K-5K on the renovations won’t leave me feeling at risk and insecure. We’re determined to keep our credit score up there cuz our next car will probably be some sort of luxury car with many fringe benefits, even if it’ll be used. At least a Mercedes or a Lexus wouldn’t stand out here and be as at risk. Besides, at 7pm, the front gate is rolled into place. The back gate is always locked. No transmitter, no entry.

I just hope the dream I had last night doesn’t mean anything, cuz in it Tom was saying that they announced they would never again give raises at work. Tom, however, says he’s sure he’ll get another raise again someday.

After a long, hard poverty stint, it’s still both shocking and weird to be doing this well. I just worry about how long it’ll last. All good things seem to come to an end. Like sweeping. I used to win something every few days, but now I’m hardly winning shit. Things just aren’t what they used to be where that’s concerned. Too many people entering.

If you think I’m mischievous now – imagine if I could be 100% psychic in whatever way I wanted! The monthly newsletter would magically get edited upon delivery to each house here right after it was dropped off. Instead of “Hello, everyone,” it would read something like, “Hello, butt fuckers!” Then again, some of these old folks may have heart attacks.

Nane’s gone to TR for a week and I’ll miss her while she’s gone. She’s still my hottie and she and I are still pretty close, even if we’ll never get to meet face to face.

Later…

Gonna hit the Walmart in Roseville on Sunday cuz it’s got a better selection. Working tomorrow is optional for Tom, but he decided to take advantage of the big bucks he’d get.

All the working out I’ve been doing is really beginning to make a difference in my appearance more so than with the scale. I’m losing inches and looking more toned. Only problem is I still have a ton of fat on me and I’m not sure much of it will ever go away. As Tom says, though, it can take a year or two, which is why it’s so hard for so many people to stick to. I’ll settle for just not gaining anymore.

Got everything done that needs to be done, including organizing the file box, and now it’s off to watch YouTube vids.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 2013 My CH visitor has got to be a bot or me after all. On GA it says every single page has at least 1 view, but on Blogger itself, most pages (posts from previous years I’ve been copying in) haven’t been viewed at all. I’m almost disappointed as it takes the mystery and the fun of guessing out of it.

I did get the Fire ring that I didn’t expect to get. It looks nicer in person. Problem is it’s so big I couldn’t even wear it on my thumb.

Still have a bit of sensitivity around the “new” tooth. Hmm… maybe she should’ve just left it alone.

I still have different colors in mind for the bedrooms and carpet, but still don’t know what we’ll end up with for sure. I go back and forth in my mind between crème colored carpet, lavender, and mint green. Whatever it is is gonna be lighter than this shit brown we’ve got now.

I suppose this is a short, boring post, but there really isn’t much to update on. I’ve copied entries from 1987-1990 over here as well as all of 2012 and everything I’ve written so far this year.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2013 Makes me nervous when I see them pull the SUV out of their garage and into the carport next door like they’re clearing the garage so they can work on something noisy in it, but I haven’t heard a thing.

Had a long chat with my sister, but first, let me shut Bjork up and skip to the next song. Whoever told that bitch she could sing anyway? Guess it goes to show once again that the music business is more about who you know, how much money you have, and who you’re willing to fuck.

Anyway, I couldn’t get the MagicJack to work. It said, “Call in progress,” but I never heard any ringing. Tammy saw that I tried to call, though. I used the cell to finally get through, and I think Tom and I each having a cell is enough. So I’ll probably cancel my MJ subscription when it expires. No, I can’t go hands-free that way or listen to messages online, but how often do I do this anyway?

There was only one thing Tammy said that disturbs me and has me wondering if it’s even true, though I don’t see why she’d make it up other than to feel she was “counter-attacking” me for believing she or Bill got our new address from Tom’s family when we moved from Phoenix to Maricopa so they could feed me to the pigs after I threatened Bill by mail and on his answering machine, which I no longer believe. I’ll get to what I believe soon enough.

Most of this entry will be kept out of public and will only be shared with just a few close, trusted friends. Consider yourself LL’d if you get to read this – loved and lucky.

Tammy has been known to be a hypochondriac and a complainer that makes my complaints seem like nothing. She may still be the complainer from hell (I don’t mind, though), but there’s no way in hell she’s making up or exaggerating the medical problems she and Mark have.

When I called her I told her she didn’t have to tell me anything she didn’t feel comfortable telling me, but she waved that off and said, “You’re my sister, so I want to tell you everything.” Then the complaints tumbled out like a waterfall, mostly about Stephanie and Lisa.

Tammy used to have a friend named Mary, who had 3 daughters. Their father, like most fathers, preferred not to be in the picture. Eventually, Mary met Mark and was finally happy to have a guy care about her kids and raise them like they were his own. Then Mary died of cancer. I’m pretty sure Tammy and Mary didn’t meet till long after Mary married Mark. Anyway, one of the daughters is Stephanie. She’s now 33 and positively fucked in the head. She’s on disability and she hangs with guys that do drugs and I guess one of them got arrested for assaulting an old man. Not something Mark can just “ignore” and “avoid” and remove himself from any more than some of us can ignore insanely loud neighbors as much as we’d like to. I’ve seen Stephanie’s picture. She’s hideously fat and ugly. So much so that she almost makes me look thin and pretty. More importantly, she’s really put a lot of stress on Mark, and again, it’s not the kind of drama one can walk away from that easily. Stephanie lives in Indiana right now and when Mark drove to Ohio to see his brother and then to Indiana to see his daughter, who knew he was coming, she wasn’t there.

Stephanie, like Lisa, was/is also into stealing. Lisa was on cocaine for a while, and Tammy said she stole her wedding ring and sold it for 3K. This is on top of the constant, constant lies. I never could understand adult lying, as funny as that may sound. I can see not divulging info so as not to hurt someone or maybe softening the truth a bit, and yes, I would lie and say I knew nothing about it if I committed a crime I was guilty of, but why lie as adults when people don’t have the hold on us they do as kids? No one can punish me for admitting I’m a sexist. They can’t take away my stereo for a week or make me stand in a corner and face the wall. So while I may not need to broadcast it with a neon “I’M A SEXIST!” tee, to whom must I fear and hide it? But that’s just how these girls are; lie after lie after lie.

While I don’t doubt the drama Tammy’s going through, I also wonder how truthful she’s being in general. It’s not like she’s a habitual liar or anything like that, but she has lied in the past and there are some inconsistencies in some of her stories that seem to go beyond normal forgetfulness. She went from losing 30 pounds to 14 pounds when she was sick. Her dog used to be 85 pounds and now it’s 90 pounds. Ok, so most of us mammals gain weight with age, but there are other things, like the letter I supposedly “accidentally” sent Sarah and Becky that was meant for her before I dumped her in 1999. At first I thought she was saying it was intentionally aimed at them, and I was like, why in the world would I have gone off on my nieces who were just kids and had nothing to do with whatever was going on? They never did anything wrong, though a couple of them, particularly Lisa, were extremely rude to me when we were all bickering online in 2009, but I have since ignored Lisa. I don’t hate her, but I don’t want to be in touch with her, and she hasn’t made any attempts to contact me either since she flung her rude and false accusations at me that bordered on sheer insanity. She’s not on disability, though, which sort of surprises me. She’s a CPA, which is a little more involved than a candy striper. She cleans up patients and stuff like that.

Makes me glad, once again, that we never had kids of our own. What if, no matter how well we treated it, it grew up to be a crazy, deceitful druggie that brought so much grief and stress into our lives as if life alone didn’t dish out enough shit to us along the way?

Really wish she hadn’t gone and brought up Bill, though. Some subjects we just DON’T want to hear about no matter how much we’ve faced them and dealt with them, and know that nothing can change the past. I don’t remember what it was she said. Some casual comment about him driving Becky or Sarah somewhere.

Tammy has changed for the better so much but is still the same old Tammy at the same time. The deceptiveness is still there and so is the thirst for vengeance. It may be subtle in some ways, but it’s an underlying thing I can sense. Hell, she even admitted a while back trying to spite Lisa off of worker’s comp. So she’s one of those that I’d trust immensely if I ever needed help, but that I also know I must tread lightly with, be careful what I say, and hope to hell I never piss off. I wouldn’t hesitate to dump her or anyone else I thought was too toxic to have in my life, but I hope I don’t have to. Not just cuz no one wants to hate their sister so much they’d dump them, but because she’d never let me live in peace. Sadly, Tammy, like Kim, Molly and many others, can’t just move on. Instead, she picks on, follows and harasses anyone she can. Blocking and ignoring her would be easy enough, but she would abuse our numbers and I don’t even want to think about what she may do with our address. So that’s why I trust her when she’s happy with me, but don’t trust her at all when she’s not. I used to pick on those I dumped or that dumped me, but once I realized how immature and risky that was I began to simply avoid and ignore them whenever possible. Wish more people were like that.

While I have never denied sending her and Bill some nasty stuff, I absolutely have NO recollection whatsoever of accidentally addressing an envelope meant for her to not just one of my nieces, but to two?! Would love to have seen the postmark on the envelope to see if it really came from Arizona and not from someone trying to make me look awfully bad, cuz I just don’t see how, no matter how pissed I may’ve been at the time, I put the wrong name down in the heat of the moment… twice. Is she sure she isn’t just saying this due to how angry I was at the way she handled certain things in the past?

When confronted with the letter she sent Tom in defense of Bill, she told me she had no self-esteem and that due to her childhood, she felt she deserved the abuse she got from men. Now I’ll be quick to admit that at the time I didn’t understand why women stayed with abusive men. It made no sense to hang on for the kids and all that shit, but I realize people don’t always parent the same way they handle relationships. Now don’t get me wrong, I still think there are some truly sick and twisted women out there that get off on that shit. If some like rough sex, why not a rough relationship, huh? Take Rihanna, for example, who went back to Chris Brown after he beat her up. I don’t know much about Rihanna’s personal life and I don’t care, but I always had the feeling that she truly enjoyed the abuse, the attention, and the sympathy it brought her. I can’t wait for the day Brown hits the wrong woman, though that’s the problem with these sick cocks; they’re usually smart enough to avoid women they know won’t fight back or leave or both.

I can kind of get where she’s coming from as far as feeling unworthy of good people when you consider the types of “friends” I had in the past (Fran, Nervous, Jenny, etc.). I was too damn nice and forgiving and I took a lot of shit I’d NEVER take today. I let people jerk me around like a puppet, and I too, felt like I’d never get anyone worth having. If a man had raised a hand to me, I’d have fought back, but I also would’ve been dumb enough to forgive him more than I should have had men been my main cup of tea. These days, if I were single and dating and happened to get with a man instead of a woman, the beating I’d give him would be so savage if he laid a hand on me that I’d not only end up in jail for a while but would never even THINK of forgiving him no matter how hot he was or what the bastard’s excuse was.

I try to tell myself that holding grudges against people like Bill all these years later is pointless, but as she pointed out about leaving abusive men… it’s not always that easy. It’s sort of like the guy whose rock flew out of his truck and smashed our windshield. Well, he may not have done it deliberately and chances are he never even knew about it, but you still want to slap the guy and make him pay for the damage, you know? So it’s sort of like that.

“Look at it from a logical standpoint,” I told myself. “You did threaten the guy over family drama that had nothing to do with you directly, and if you had any faith in the cops with all the corruption running around out there, you just may call them too, if someone left you a threatening message. Lastly, if you didn’t know there was a warrant out for your arrest, then how could he?”

BUT… and as even the cop himself that came to see me about the matter said, he would’ve been pissed off too, had someone abused his family. Also, I was 3000 miles away. A little too far to be any real threat, don’t you think? I think the call to the cops was just his way of “getting even,” so to speak. So let’s just say that my letter and threatening phone message were wrong and illegal and nothing I’d ever do again, but it’s not exactly something I regret. In other words, I don’t feel sorry for the guy, and no, I wouldn’t trust myself alone with him either. Still don’t know how the hell he found me, but I now believe it probably went down as she said – he called the pigs and they hunted me down. Back then I used to think they either called Tom’s family (those assholes would give out our info) or got my SIL’s # from mom, but looking back on it I can see how that probably wasn’t so. The worst Tammy might’ve told him is what town we moved to, cuz I’m pretty sure I mentioned that to her.

The stupid fucker went to her and Mark about my call, and she told him, “It’s your phone, so what the hell do you expect me to do about it?”

That is so, so typical of people too, to drag others into shit and not confront the source directly. Even before this incident I NEVER liked the guy. Worst guy she ever went with. I’m so glad she now has a good, loving, caring and compassionate guy like Mark in her life. I don’t like violence and I never want to have to raise my fist to anyone, but if anyone ever harmed my husband, me or our property…

Still, some things just ain’t that easy, as she knows. I’ll always despise Bill, pointless or not, and I’ll never forgive the people in Arizona. Not even if they came to me with a million dollars, got on their knees and said, “We’re so, so sorry we had our corrupt cop pal type a threatening letter to get your prints on in interrogation, then frame you with (if it wasn’t sent to us by someone else we pissed off). It’s true; we hate whites, we hate Jews, and we were just seeking revenge for your city complaint over our HORRENDOUS noise, trash and vandalism. We knew that because you had made a few threats for real in the past it would be easy to use against you, and all in a state that favors minorities and in a time when playing the race card is hip. We knew we would be the ones to be believed no matter what you said. We can never replace the time you lost to our vindictiveness, but here’s the money back you lost on account of us, and even more.”

I think that more often than not, people don’t realize the seriousness of their vengefulness when they spite others be it through the law or not. In the heat of the moment they lash out and that’s it for them, but it’s far from it for the people they abuse.

Some things may be possible in time, but they just ain’t so easy – quit smoking… not that easy. Lose 40 pounds… not that easy. Forgive and forget those who wronged the hell out of you… not that easy. Got a driving phobia? Just jump in a car and drive… not that easy. Smile if you’re depressed… not that easy. Tell yourself it’ll all be ok… not that easy. Set your alarm to keep a schedule… not that easy. Guy getting too physical? Just kick his ass and leave… not that easy.

Win a million dollars, Jodi… not that easy.

In my next entry, I’ll get into the health update she gave me.

Later…

Still stumped as to who my CH visitor is, but I’m now leaning toward it being a stranger. Whoever it is has a lot of time on their hands cuz they check in on and off throughout the day. That’s why I’ve ruled out the dentist. Unless she’s suddenly obsessed with my blog and checking it between patients, it’s not her. I agree with Tom that it’s probably a stranger as opposed to someone in the park.

If it’s me it’s counting, then it’s doing it in chunks and counting wrong. Hmm… maybe it’s counting whenever I ok the “this site contains adult content” notice that periodically comes up.

Went to GA’s site and excluded my IP which I thought was already filtered out since I told it right on Blogger to exclude me, but maybe it wasn’t on GA’s site. Time will tell.

I talked with Aly earlier who doesn’t doubt Kim’s having someone read my blog for her. But who are they? The only new regular that’s visible is that CH visitor yet I’ve never known Kim to have friends around here. She said she was surprised Kim never created a fake account on Ask to contact me. Come to think of it, so am I. Creating fake accounts is her specialty.

Alison says a part of her misses Molly because even though Molly was a crazy, lying bitch, she at least always knew where she stood with her. She’s done with both Kim and Kathy on the other hand. Kathy is just too two-faced and cannot accept people as they are. She never was a true friend. One minute she’s nice to your face, the next she’s either dumping you or making fun of you on her FB page. That’s what Aly said she was doing to both the “Crazy Rat Lady” and the “Crazy Cat Lady.” I guess when Kathy learned that Aly wouldn’t take a cheaper apartment that didn’t allow animals (though it made perfect sense not to take a cheaper place that wouldn’t allow her own mutts when she and Adam moved); she became the “Crazy Cat Lady.” As for me, I don’t care what I am to Kathy because she is nothing to me. I think she only stopped harassing me on Ask because she knows I know where she lives and where Adam works. Knowledge is power. :)

To finish up with my chat with Tammy, which lasted about an hour when she had to leave to go pick Peppy up from the groomer’s, Mark returns to his cardiologist on the 20th. They know he has to have surgery due to clogged arteries, but they don’t know what procedure they’re going to do. They may or may not do stints. They’re hoping that after surgery he’ll be as good as new again and able to get back to their side business which was the one making a lot of money. This was doing home improvements of various kinds. Why he bothered to keep his other job managing some company (I forgot what she said it was), beats me. For the benefits, I guess.

Here’s where the conversation took a surprising turn. Money is the one area in life I thought Tammy would be forever blessed in, but since Mark has been too ill to work the business, they’ve taken a huge loss. They spent something like 50K last year on their own home improvements and other things not knowing Mark would take ill. But then he started having symptoms of fatigue, poor circulation and trouble breathing.

He’s 63 and I asked if he could retire at 65 or 66, but she said they’d never make it. I was stunned to learn this, but as Tom later pointed out, it’s a common problem for those who own their own business. Tom, on the other hand, risks firings and layoffs, but we’d be ok if he retired at 66. We’d be better than ok if he retired at 70. It felt weird to think we’re better off in some monetary ways than she is since God always made sure I was the financial underdog of the family. He’s even worried about his other job cuz they’ve been talking budget cuts.

While it may be more practical for them to give up their 2600-square-foot place and the land/gardens they’ve been having trouble keeping up with lately, it’s not that easy. The whole cul-de-sac they live on has been in Mark’s family for ages. It’s where he grew up and all he’s ever really known.

Neither will seeing Mark in Yale-New Haven be easy on Tammy. First they have to come up with hotel money for who knows how long, and then she has to figure out how to get to him in her condition. It’s a huge area and she can only walk so far. That’s why she doesn’t groom Pep herself to save money. She can’t just groom a 90-pound dog.

As for her own lung issues, she’s postponed treatment till they know what’s up with Mark. He could be ok, he could not be ok, or he could not make it. The stress they’re under must be hell. Their lives may not be on the line to the degree that ours were, but I’m sure it’s scarily close enough or they at least feel that way. Tammy said they’ll eventually only be replacing one lung since doing both would be too risky.

Unfortunately, Tammy doesn’t get much on disability. They basically treat those on disability like welfare bums. I guess they want to pay so little to encourage those who aren’t truly disabled back to work. Lotta people would be injuring themselves if you could make a decent living off of it. At least she’s getting something. I’ll never get that simply because I didn’t work for many years and got married at the time I was last on it. This really pisses me off, too. Getting married didn’t cure me, and so what if a person didn’t work for many years? If they’re disabled, they’re disabled. Period.

She did tell me a funny story about Pep catching a possum and setting it free unharmed, so that’s nice. Meanwhile, since it seems unlikely things will stay the same for them, things are probably either going to get better or worse. Time can only tell which one it will be. If I had to guess (and hope), both their conditions will either be improved or stabilized.

She says Becky and Sarah are taller than her. Damn, that’s tall! Between that and their weight, no wonder I never hear talk of dating and boyfriends on FB. Men love youth but are rarely fans of tall girls or big girls. Hell, I could probably catch a guy easier and I look like shit. I feel bad for them, especially since they’re so young and are only human. They don’t seem to have many friends either. They have a good number of FB friends, but I doubt most of them are really “friends.” Anytime they post about hanging out with someone, it’s always either with each other or other family members. No girls’ night out. No hot dates.

I thought I couldn’t plug my oil warmer in the plug I wanted to use by my desk cuz it’d make the warmer face sideways. Then I noticed a circular groove around the warmer’s plug, twisted it, and now it’s upright! Woo-hoo!

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2013 How did my CH visitor happen to go from 62 page views to just 43??? Still not sure how GA works. It’s a very complicated system and setup. Still, whoever they are, they make up for 71% of my visits. Why isn’t GA tracking other countries, though? It’s saying I’ve only had 5 unique visitors in the last week or so from CA, CT and NY, yet I know I’ve had much, much more than that.

Guess we’re back with the Jes pest now as well as early yesterday morning. The water pressure is a little low. I suppose it’s about time for the next round of water games. Well, fuck this shit cuz I need to take a shower!

I’m also miserably hungry that it almost hurts. I hate PMS hunger with a passion! It is just so, so hard to get rid of. I wasn’t too bad yesterday, but when I woke up starving I knew I was in for a hungry day since I don’t usually eat much my first few hours. I’ve had about 600 calories and am still famished, so I’ll go add a 300-calorie can of chicken dumpling soup soon enough and see if that helps. If not I just might eat till I burst!

I keep having to restock my Ask file for background pics for Andy and our picture game, and it’s getting old. If he weren’t so damn picky about what I post I wouldn’t keep running out, but he’d hate 80% of what I’d like to post. I just don’t have the time he has to put into it. It’s also more of a priority to him whereas my top online priorities are blogging. Besides, it’d keep it more special and my pics would last longer if I only checked in twice a day or something like that. I really should focus more on my work anyway. Or maybe I’ll just say fuck it and post what I want. After all, I don’t always like the pics he posts. Sorry, but I like flowers just like he likes celebrities! Maybe if celebs weren’t making worse and worse of a role model each year for young people I’d see them differently. I doubt it, though. I mean, they’re just people. And I personally find nature more pleasing to the eye than 95% of the people on this planet.

No exciting dreams except for Maliheh emailing Tom pretending to be a sheriff and threatening legal action against me for mentioning her in my blog. LOL, I not only doubt she has Tom’s email address, but I would never succumb to such threats. I’m not breaking any laws (but impersonating a cop would be) and I know and understand that people who make such threats usually have something to hide. When the letter I started to someone about the corrupt pig was taken during a routine cell toss back in ‘01, I knew someone had a seriously guilty conscience. They certainly didn’t take it to have something interesting to read while sitting on the toilet waiting for a dump to come on.

Now I’m going to take my shower and I better get enough water pressure! Damn, I feel like I’m back in the country (in the wrong kind of way).

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2013 10 more views from CH and I’m still not sure who it is. Maybe it really is me it’s tracking or a bot.

Had a strange dream and a scary dream, but first, Tom showed me how to shoot vids, so I’ll play around with the software a bit and eventually share some cute rat vids. The rats that never shut up when I’m trying to work. Right now one of them is chewing on a peach pit.

As I may’ve already mentioned, I’m determined to start setting more realistic and doable goals for myself. Keeping active and eating healthy so I don’t gain any more weight is reasonable. Expecting to lose 30-40 pounds at this age is not.

My period is just days away so my energy levels are down and my hunger levels are up. Here’s where it’s easy for a woman to gain monthly weight that isn’t just water, so I have to just tough out the hunger. Most of it, anyway.

So why does my hair keep getting curlier and curlier with age? I have such tight spirals that they almost look like dreadlocks from a distance.

Tom made a 5-dollar profit on $10 worth of scratch tickets and is convinced that someone down the street has a workshop and that the sawing I heard wasn’t next door. He could hear them when he was out watering. I guess that would explain why I could barely hear it in the house. I could just make it out by the bedroom window, but not at the front of the house. It’s a good thing we’re not next to this house cuz that’d be insanely loud! I’m surprised they’d even allow that here. “People still have to have a life,” Tom said. Yeah, but should it extend beyond the walls of other houses? If it should, then I should be able to blast my music.

He met Jim, the 6:00 Man, as I’d call him, when he was out watering early.

Until God figures out a way to take it all away from us – no scratch that – until we grow old and die, there are a dozen positives for every negative to this place. I absolutely love not having to worry about running out of propane.

For the last few nights, I’ve been waking up hungry and having to pee. PMS hunger can be hard to curb and when you do it isn’t for long.

I’m too tired to write about the dreams now and why I hate September and October so much. I just want to eat, get in the shower, and get to work.

Later…

I’m pleasantly amazed by Nane’s “muah” and affectionate messages earlier. She was offline for a few days dealing with Internet issues. In a week she and Askim will be renting a house down in Turkey near Askim’s mom in a place called Kappadokia, or Cappadocia, as English speakers would spell it. So between being back online and her upcoming trip, she’s quite happy. Wish I could kick Askim out for a night, though I don’t know that I’d like being in TR. They have some beautiful beaches, but it’s Muslim country.

That’s 5 times I’ve had the runs, all pissing me off right along with the guy next door and his insanely LOUD blower. I still hate being so close to others, but if it wasn’t the guy’s blower 3’ away, it’d be some other guy’s motorcycle 200’ away. Still, why does it have to take a whole hour to blow such a tiny lot? He started right as I went to dust the bedrooms and I could hear it over the stereo. I turned it off and switched to the iPod, but I could still hear the damn thing. Finally, I had to switch to my around-ear headphones.

Not that this much is bothersome, but did they open up a new freeway recently or something? For the last few nights, I’ve noticed I can hear vehicles on the freeway that I never noticed before.

Really, really disappointed that I haven’t gotten any win notices. sighs Guess I’ll just have more free time for other things I’ve been planning for months if I continue not to win.

As much as I hate winter – even mild ones – I’ll feel better once it’s November. I hate September and October because it seems that that’s when most of the shit I’ve been through as an adult has happened.

September of 2000 was pre-sentencing on account of the white-hating freeloaders and their corrupt pig pal who worked for a corrupt system.

September of 2004 was when we lost our land in Oregon and it was on to 9 years of renting dumps (except for the duplex which, of course, was the noisiest).

September of 2011 was when they stopped our unemployment checks before having a job.

October of 2000 was when I was sentenced and lost half a year of my life to a vengeful pack of welfare bums with the wrong friends.

October of 2007 was our first of two survival scares, though the second one was far more critical.

October of 2011 was when the sick fucks in Arizona came at me online and tried to scare me into thinking the cops had built another “case” against me. It started to work at first, though I knew I had to have been framed again since I didn’t do anything wrong… until I realized all their mistakes.

So while I’m not overly nervous or anything like that, I’m being very cautious. We’re not spending money unnecessarily in case any surprises come up that need to be dealt with.

In last night’s strange dream, I was visiting Nane and I shopped at a mall while she went to work. She reminded me not to get anything I couldn’t fit in my suitcase. After she left I went to check out some shops, but they were all filled with Muslims playing Ping-Pong and pool.

In the scary dream I had, Tom and I were in the lobby of some big and busy hotel. He said there was a clinic across the street and that now (that evening) would be a good time to get me a checkup since he’d be tied up tomorrow.

Out we went into the cool rainy night and I said, “I never thought I’d say this, but this weather is a refreshing change after the constant heat and sun we’ve been having. He didn’t say anything. Instead, his and everyone else’s features seemed to disappear, making them all look the same and little more than shadowy human forms with a sinister air.

We entered a small building that was dimly lit and seemingly deserted. I was surprised anyone would see me that late, but Tom led us to a small room with a few chairs in it. We sat down and I momentarily closed my eyes and rubbed my face. When I opened my eyes again, the room was darker and Tom was gone.

I ran out of the room calling his name. When I got no answer I went outside to see if he decided to wait out there. There were 5 or 6 people chatting and smoking, but none were Tom. I ran back inside and into a large room near the “waiting” room. I began calling for help. I saw flickers of movement coming from a brightly lit room toward the end of the larger room, but no one came. I woke up crying for help and feeling lost, alone and rather worried.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 2013 Citrus Heights jumped from 22 to 33 views sometime after the late afternoon. The good Doc? A bot? Bots are usually pretty quick and consistent, and when I looked at the varying times spent on the pages they viewed, I thought a bot wasn’t very likely. Bots will typically cycle through many pages a second at a time.

Yesterday was a long, hot, fun and productive day, but again I tired out early and slept forever. PMS fatigue, I guess. Despite being active for over an hour between running, yoga and swimming, I gained back the pound I lost. I hope it’s just water since I haven’t been overeating. A little high-carbed, though. Oh well. I’m just one of those that doesn’t really get results from diet and exercise.

Tom put the new faucet on in the master bath and I like it much, much better. I always preferred single levers.

A wonderful letter from my Italian dad topped the day off. He said he’s feeling better, still running the group home, but that it’s still hard without Mom.

He’s really happy for us about our new home and the funny part was when he said, “Be good to each other. There I go acting like a father.” LOL, he’s welcome to it. When we’re younger we don’t usually appreciate stuff like that, but when we’re older it has a way of making us smile.

He said the weather’s beginning to change there and he dreads the winter. He’ll be thinking of me out here, he said, and to keep in touch cuz my letters give him a lift.

I thought about it, and if my gut feeling is right about that being my Italian mom who came to say goodbye last year, isn’t it strange that I have only sensed her presence, but never my bio parents? Not that I’d want to, but I’ve never sensed grandparents, parents or my brother. Only my Italian mom. Why is that? I wonder. It must mean that either my bio parents don’t give a shit, or for some reason, they are unable to “contact” me.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2013 Roseville’s still at 9 views, but Citrus Heights jumped from 10 to 22. It’s gotta be either the Doc or no one I know. It hit me later on that if it were someone Tom works with, they probably would’ve mentioned it to him. Also, the only one here who knows our full name is Joy, and what would she care?

For a while, I had my Facebook settings set to disallow friend invites from everyone. But since one of my old stalkers prefers to hide in anonymity and the other’s been a good dog, I have now allowed for that once again. So if anyone reading this is interested in adding me there, you can either send me an invite or leave your link here. I’m tired of letting them control me, so to speak. From now on settings are going to be set in such a way because I want them to be that way, and not because of what someone else may be doing. I’m still not ready to go public there just yet and I have my old Ask account deactivated cuz I don’t use it much, but if I decide later on to change settings, I will.

My MD diary will remain closed for now and only used as a backup. Remember, the idea was to cut down the number of blogs I have so any future editing isn’t such a pain. Meanwhile, anyone can leave comments here on Blogger, anonymously or not. As long as it’s not spam or scams, I welcome any feedback, positive or negative. :)

My dentist did a great job installing my new “tooth.” You’d never know it wasn’t real! But as wonderful as she is, I won’t be seeing her again till February when I have my next cleaning. At that point, I’ll schedule to have the 4 remaining fillings (and hopefully no new ones) taken care of.

I have a bit of sensitivity around the new tooth but it’s probably just because it’s recently been worked on and the Doc really “struck a nerve.” Hopefully, it won’t persist. I don’t think it will, but if it does I’ll just have to deal with it and make another appointment.

The plan was to go to Sam’s after the dentist, but they didn’t open for those with our level of membership till 10:00. So we headed to Walmart where I was surprised to learn I could get my hair cut for just $16. The two hairdressers there, both nice but with fried hair, said to come back at 10:00. So off we went to Radio Shack to look at stuff Tom likes but that bores me to tears. There wasn’t anything else around there but insurance companies and stuff like that, so that’s why I let him drag me there.

We went back to the salon where the hairdresser with long black fried hair said Diana would be with me soon. After a few minutes, in she came with her short fried blue hair. She washed my hair with Redken’s Diamond Oil shampoo and conditioner, then trimmed the dead ends off my layers and evened them out so they blend well together. It’s still long and doesn’t look much different. Just healthier.

By the time we got to Sam’s, it was getting crowded and loud, but we stocked up on many things and even got a free paring knife.

After Sam’s, we came home and I tackled laundry and dishes while Tom played with some of his electronic gadgets. Next thing I knew I was exhausted as hell. I ended up sleeping forever. Guess I needed it.

My nice new pink yoga mat came today which will definitely make ab work easier on my back as opposed to this horribly worn carpet I can’t wait to replace.

Can’t wait to order a set of 3 rat figurines on Amazon I found that’s so adorably cute!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2013 Up early today, and in a few hours I’ll be in the dentist’s chair. Not my favorite place to be, so it’s a good thing my dentist is such a nice lady. It’s always nice to see her. Been dreaming about her a lot lately too, but can never remember any details. Couldn’t be that bad then, right?

Are we going to have to end up calling and begging this provider for reliability, too? sighs I know that dropping off once or twice a day is pretty normal as frustrating as that can be in an area so populated. At the edge of Sacramento, you’re in a pretty populated area. I know our cable is fine, so there’s not much else we can do about it with all the people around us.

Lost another pound but am going to take the day off to relax. Other than laundry, Tom and I plan to spend his 3 days off doing things around the house, swimming and just relaxing. I’ll still enter sweeps and work out at least some of the time, though, LOL.

Alison says Molly has been online at times, according to her Facebook profile. She just plays games and statuses about her weight and how much she hates living where she’s living, but you mean you can teach an old dog new tricks? I’m surprised. I find it awfully hard to believe she can now restrain herself from reaching out to or at least peeking in on those she used to harass, but I’ve never known her to disable cookies to avoid showing up on my tracker. Oh no, she’s never been shy. Question is, is Kim following me on Blogger, or is she too stupid to disable cookies? I know anonymity is very important to her.

Google Analytics seems to see more than TIP can see. According to it, I’ve got a regular in Citrus Heights and Roseville. My dentist? Her assistant? Well, I know it’s not me cuz it’s set not to record my activity. I guess it could be anybody. People connected to the park, Tom’s job – anybody. That’s why I’m careful what I say. In fact, I’m not going to post this paragraph in public or the one before it about Kim and Molly.

When I asked Doc H if she’d been to my blog and she said yes, I remember being surprised cuz there were no TIP hits in this area. Could TIP just be blind to her for some reason, other than GA?

I’m surprised I didn’t think to look her up on Facebook till now, but I found her business page and “liked” it and left a comment.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2013 I luuuuuvvv this house! Just wish it were in the country from 8am - 4pm on weekdays.

The Glyteratti guy says the free ring I was supposed to get has been sent, but I’ll believe it when I see it. What’s really disappointing is the lack of win notices after the 1st. I used to win something every few days, even if it wasn’t much. But now there’s just way too much competition. Chances are I won’t renew my 3-month sweeping subscription when it expires.

Wish I had more to say but I don’t. I’m just doing my usual things – sweeping, writing, cleaning and working out. Oh, I ordered a 1” yoga mat on Amazon. That’ll help cushion me since this carpet is so worn out you might as well be on the floor.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2013 I have this itching and burning sensation between my legs and what feels like a few zits. A yeast infection? I don’t have any discharge, but I’m still going to have Tom pick me up something on the way home. For now, I’m using hydrocortisone on it. The “zits” sort of surround my clit, just inside the hairline. I’ve had this before. I hope Tom’s theory is right and that it’s just normal irritation which, as he points out, occurs at the same time of month. It could be that or from working out. Women get drier with age, but sweat and moisture down there can bring on fungal infections. I’d rather treat it at home before it gets out of hand and I end up costing us more money than I already have. Money that could be going toward home improvements.

So why did they leave next door at 4:30 am? Just wondering where they would need to go so early. And was that them I heard with what sounded like a circular saw yesterday afternoon? Tom said it would depend on the saw as to whether or not it can be heard in here, but that trimmers can also sound the same. It’s true that it could’ve come from the common area down the street. I couldn’t tell for sure. I could barely hear it here but next door was home at the time. Their vehicle was in the garage and I don’t know that there’d be room in that garage to work with the big SUV they have. Amazingly, they don’t appear to have a dog. I would think I would have heard it by now and seen them walking it if they did. Therefore, since there’s always got to be something going on with my neighbors, I still wouldn’t be surprised if he turned that garage into a virtual workshop too much of the time. Just got a bad feeling about it. I hope I’m wrong cuz no one wants to listen to regular sawing or hammering. At least I sure don’t. Nothing I can do about it if that’s what he chooses to do, though. They were here first and it occurs during normal daytime hours.

Fucking male neighbors! I’m seriously sick of the racket they make with their loud vehicles and their damn power tools and other shit they do to be totally obnoxious. I’ve had some shitty female neighbors, but this was in a whole ‘nother time, place and situation. There isn’t much racket you’d hear from women in a retirement community that I can think of.

Unless I wasn’t hearing it since I was mostly at the front of the house, traffic was quieter in back yesterday. They still could’ve done some trimming, but Monday’s rain would’ve canceled mowers and blowers. It’s back to hot and dry and will be close to 100° in a few days.

Got my first taste of yoga yesterday. Some of it was harder than I thought it’d be, but this is mostly cuz I’m not familiar with it. Also, I’m too fat to be as flexible as you need to be for some of these exercises as opposed to lacking the strength to do it. I don’t see how this can boost the metabolism and promote weight loss as they claim, but I can see it helping with strength and the prevention of any additional weight gain. That’s what I’ve pretty much resigned myself to cuz it’s the most doable and realistic goal for a 47-year-old who can’t stand to eat 1000 calories or less every single day. No, I don’t like remaining 40 pounds overweight, but it’s better than gaining 40 more. Anyway, I had to stop to watch and learn some of the exercises cuz I couldn’t see the screen while hunched over in some of the positions. I think that as long as I remain active and keep my carbs, sugar and starch levels down, I shouldn’t gain any more weight. I’d be totally screwed if I ever acquired an illness or injury that prevented me from being active.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 2013 So it finally rained. I was surprised. I thought we were another 3-6 weeks away from any rain. But it rained on and off from 4:30 am till after I crashed. There was even some thunder to go with it. I didn’t think we’d hear it as well in here now that we’ve got a real roof, but the patio and carport roofs, which run alongside both sides of the house, are made of metal. You can hear it just fine in here, especially in the laundry room. As nice as it was for variety’s sake since it rarely rains here and I was missing it, I wish it had done that tomorrow. Tomorrow’s when the landscapers and their obnoxious vehicles will be back in service. The ground may still be too wet for mowing, but I’m sure they’ll be out trimming.

I should’ve figured the person asking me on Ask to keep MD going due to Blogger loading too slowly on their phone was Kim. I considered “No one” for a minute, but figured Kim was more likely, if not someone connected to Molly. That gut feeling was reinforced when I was asked if I ever thought it was Kim or Molly as “we” want to keep up with what you write.

Classic Kim style. So was the question asking if I feared my online enemies would get to me in real life. snorts I wish they WOULD come to me!

Anyway, I’ve had enough of her stalking shit for over a year now and felt it was time to deprive her of her reading pleasure. I disagree with Andy who says a whole year of not being able to follow/contact me will get her (or Molly) out of my life forever, cuz these aren’t just people who are obsessed, but crazy as well. The insane live in a constant time warp. I could disappear for a decade and they’d see it as if I were only gone for days.

So I deactivated my main Ask account and have gone private on MD. She’ll just have to “face” me on Blogger or have her “sources” read it for her. I know she doesn’t just prefer MD for its simplicity and its mobile compatibility but for its lack of a tracker as well. Well, tough shit, you trunkless elephant!

Meanwhile, I was relieved to know that in Germany they can still deny messages from strangers, which is what Nane does, even though Kim doesn’t seem fixated on my friends.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2013 I’m totally on nights now, which I both like and hate. I hate how it just feels all wrong and makes me feel out of sorts in a sense. I like it because it’s dead quiet.

Tom read up on soundproofing and there’s this site that says that due to most sounds coming through windows, you should install a second window with a vinyl frame, not metal or wood. There’s even a company that comes and does customized windows for you. They say it cuts noise by 90%, but what is 90%? 90% of a soft sound may make it seem non-existent, but what about loud vehicles?

And why such huge windows in a bedroom of all places??? They’re 30”x72.” Tom could stand in them.

For now, I’ll probably only get woken up about once a week and it’s usually only for a few minutes. I still can’t believe how much traffic goes through here! I slept fine today being that it was Sunday, but tomorrow I probably won’t sleep as well. Oh well. You learn to live with it. On the flip side, some things turned out better than expected. I really thought we’d hear more barking and that people would be pestering us at the door regularly. I can’t believe how much they pestered us in Maricopa, in the middle of a 10-acre ranch in Nowhere Land, compared to here!

Been working like crazy on setting up my new Blogger blog, copying in and backdating old entries, etc.

Tom’s been taking advantage of the time off to catch up on sleep and get things done around here. He cleaned and fixed the printer and finally replaced the toilet seat in the second bath. Together we changed the rat’s cage, and then I ended up crashing early after reading with the Kindle in bed. Slept for almost 10 hours.

No one tried to shoot me in my dreams, but the guy who runs a diary site wanted to sell me the site. He said he’d go a grand for just anyone, but $500 for friends, haha. I also went to pee on an old abandoned bus in the woods and was surprised to exit the bus to find a light dusting of snow on the ground. Then I saw some sleeping bears and thought I might cuddle up with them for warmth till I realized how insane that would be. :)

Gonna spend the night doing my usual – sweeping, proofreading, dragging old entries over to Blogger. Less than a month to go of the proofreading, yay! Then I can make time for other things like maybe going back to my language studies and story writing. It’s been a while since I’ve done those things.

First and foremost it’s off to workout and shower now that I’ve got some food in my tummy after nearly 15 hours.

Why did Maliheh open my last message to her and how long will she save it? Was it her “response” to my friending her, then quickly canceling the request? Yeah, I had a childish moment. Thought I’d return the favor of playing head games with her, not that she ever was a friend or that I would believe it if she suddenly said she wanted to be.

[the1975attheirverybest]

Ok so upon some digging he might have been new but that really does make him worse for stating a lable with, and looking at his cofoundera is an ex football player, some guy named brian who i cant find anything about and chuck waite who im pretty sure has a hsiitory in music thank god. if he hadn't been around a while, which could well be true because I cannot find a single thing about him before the 1975, starting a label so....recklessly is so stupid.

but also I'm pretty sure jamie is like 49 right now (maybe 50 since he was born in july) cause he was born in 74, so he was like 39 (my mistake on the 40s thing but liek he was fucking old conpartively to the boys)

So like yeah, even if he was new (once again I can't find anything about Him existing before the 1975 other than he made the label in 2009) if you Google him all that comes up is his dh founding or the 1975 it's like fucking weird honestly how intrinsically reliant on them he seems for his presence online and looking into his cofounders I can only find one with a background in music and nothing about one of the guys (all that came up when I googled hom was a cyclist by the same name) so truly, if he was new, and did that, I think its a fucking miracle they've made it this long.

But like actually tho imagine a manager comes up to you in his late 30s (39/40 I think) and your early 20s and then he becomes your bands manager meaning he is in control of almost all your career prospects in the early days. Regardless of whether he was new or not (I was under the impression he wasn't but then again he might have been he's a fucking mystery) it's evident he has no clue what he's actualy supposed to be doing. He's a middle aged man that is entirely complacent running everything with a "the boys will bail us out" mentality and its not working because of course its not he's irresponsible and petty and I am surprised the label still fucking stands with his absolute lack of ability to run the thing. Like I can't actually tell you what he does, because I don't think he knows either.

Anywya yes this was my very long rant (been googling shit to double check because legit I had a moment where I was like "I swear Jamie is 50 this year" and yeah he is, July baby. But also like I googled him to check and legit all that came up over and over again was his dh stuff and personal socials so I had to find his birthday and do math)

Omg no, no. I am just now seeing it cuz I got distracted putting my dog back in the car and I guess missed the notification.

One thing I will say is……he doesn’t look as old as he is????? Am I insane? I don’t wanna give the man undue compliments HAHAHA. But I legit thought he was a lot younger.

But you’re right. Also, I’m reluctant to give him TOO much credit for the 1975’s longevity. I’m sure, as an actual musician, you have a more nuanced understanding of this than me, but I’ve always felt that the boys have remained at this level, and only gotten bigger and better, mainly because of how good the rest are at re-inventing themselves. They never made the same record twice. And that’s matty and George and Ross and Adam. Jamie ain’t making the music. Lmao. BUT I take your point. He’s the one who makes sure they are out there. Being seen by people who need to see them. So alright Jamie. You can have a crumb of praise. 🙄 you’re still shit and you should cover your feet.

[mothiitea]

Hhhh

Whenever there is an artist I really like I usually go straight to their ask box and write down a whole paragraph of compliments to them because I genuinely love their art so much. But then I do this weird little thing where I delete the whole ask cuz I feel like I’m being annoying and I get anxious really easily. Then I will go back to it late at night when I’m too tired to care and write down the whole paragraph again and send it. Then I go to sleep and wake up in the morning and my first thought is always ‘why did I fucking do that??’ Usually I’m just worried that I made a bunch of typos since it was late at night. Even though I know people usually don’t care. I got this weird urge to write in perfect sentences with no typos and good punctuation. I have no idea why.

Anywho. Usually the artists appreciate it and I love seeing their reactions but damn-I need to realize that it’s fine to give long compliments to people lmao.

Sorry for the rant. Just had to type out some late night thoughts so I can finally sleep.

[millenialfanfictionaddiction]

Hi mom... it's been awhile! How are you? I hpe you're doing great because... I'm not, not really. I thought I was but clearly I'm not.

I want to rant but idk where and I can only think of ranting here :')

So um... Here's the thing, ever since I was little, I've always been alone. Workaholic parents and no siblings until the age of 11. And so I've always had trouble with connecting with people. Often came out as 'strong', 'loud', annoying and some said pushover. I...tried to connect... tried to change myself for the better...but idk. I'm about to turn 20 next year and it's fucking terrifying you know? I'm alone in university (i got no Friends that's from my highschool or during my foundation year) so I basically have to start over.

That was when I met my 'friends' and we immediately have group consist of 5 people including me. I thought everything was okay. Untill they slowly drifting apart from me... And I can't help but keep on questioning myself.... Am I at fault here? Is it me? Am I the problem? I know people would say 'let it be, know your worth' or 'they are probably busy, they have their own life too' and stuff like that but srsly? To the point that ignoring me, going out without me...it makes me feel like they're avoiding me. And it hurts...a lot. I tried not think too much about it but..yea. I can't-

A few days ago, one of them uploaded an edit of them doing some trend that required then to answer google form like... "Who will die first in Zombie apocalypse" kinda questions and then shows the statistics with their pictures (idk how to explain lmao) but in that video...Every girl was there. Like everyone was there. Even the one that's not even in the original group of 5. Everyone except me. And that has to be something... And I think I know where I stand now. Plus...

A few hours ago, I uploaded a status that said maybe I don't have any luck in friendship department. And guess what? One of them replied and she said

"Not everything needs luck, sometimes manners and attitude will do"

And of course I was weirded out cuz what the hell was that supposed to mean? So we talked and she told me about how maybe there's something wrong with my attitude and how I should change and stuff and then we came to the topic about 'am I annoying?' I asked her. And she said yes I am and that sometimes she can handle it but other than that no. And I was...like oh I see so I am the problem. Which is not really surprising because huh... It's always like that

And I told her I understand what she was trying to say and told her that I like being friends with and she said the same which is good but then she said...she liked my confidence but she doesn't like my confidence to the point that I 'downgrade others' and tbh I don't know if I ever did that Because i don't think I ever did that? Not that I know of... Because I swear even if I did...i did not mean it and it was unintentional...but now that I think of this their attitude as of late really said it all...idk anymore.

Maybe idk...maybe I should just stop making friends in general and just accept things the way it is?

It's not that I don't have friends at all..I do have but just that, just...Friends. not the type of friends that will literally be at your beck and call you know? Not friends enough to be able to call "my people" kinda stuff like oh she's my best/great friend! Idk how to explain but i hope you get the point.

Some people might be fine not having anyone. But I'm not. I don't like being alone. It's lonely. I've been living with loneliness ever since I was little and I don't want it anymore. If some people can live with that then good for them... but not me... I don't like being alone. It's more like it's scary to be alone.

I guess that's all...sorry for dumping everything I just need to let it out.

-Tendou anon

First off, I’m doing well! I’m so sorry you are having a difficult time and I promise you can always vent here. It might take me a while to get to it, but if it helps to vent my asks are always open! Everyone needs a safe space!

Second off, I’m going to respond with complete honestly here because that’s how I am as a person and my philosophy isn’t to sugar coat things because I don’t think it helps address the issue.

So there problem here isn’t you, it’s that this group of people you associate with might not be the best fit for your personality and style. There’s nothing wrong with being loud, outgoing, awkward or “annoying” because when you find friends who work with you, you realize that those things aren’t issues in your friendship.

I’m in my 30s and I have two really good friends. I have several online friends but I have two REALLY SOLID friends. One I’ve known for 16 years and another I’ve been friends with less than 2 years (actually I met her on here). My one friend I see maybe every few months and my online friend I chat with everyday and we video chat as well. I have a lot of support from online friends as well that I simply chat with.

Now this works for me, I’m a pretty social and outgoing person. I’m blunt and kind of chaotic but my friends aren’t bothered by that because we compliment each other.

I’m not saying these friends aren’t nice or couldn’t be good support but it almost seems like they want you to change or that they are saying you are the problem which isn’t ok to say. It would be one thing is you were a complete bitch or rude to them every time but it doesn’t seem that way. It seems like they want you to fit into a certain box that you just don’t fit in.

Also, I’m an only child and I was left to play alone a lot as a child so I understand how hard it can be to socialize. But believe me when I say that you will find friends who appreciate you for who you are! You are still so young and now is a great time to find yourself, go out, talk with random people and be outgoing!

Being alone is scary and right now it might feel like you will be alone forever but you won’t be! College is sometimes just as bad as high school, people form groups and think that everyone has to conform to that but in reality, you are all learning to be adults. Technically from the age of 18-25 is considered a “young adult” which means you are still developing, still learning how to be social and function in society!

I know me saying this isn’t really helpful but try not to put so much pressure on yourself. If there’s one thing I wish I could tell my younger 20 year old self, it would be that it’s ok to be weird, it’s ok to be loud and it’s to make mistakes! Be yourself and put yourself first!

I apologize for how unorganized this is 😅 I literally have zero sense of organization 😂

Xoxoxo and just know, you are very loved and we appreciate you 🖤

[watchmegetobsessed]

Update - Harry Styles

i’ve been deep inmy harry feels and this thought just wouldn’t leave me alone so i had to write it. im thinking about starting a taglist for harry, i think i’ll write more about him in the future. let me know if you’d be interested in the taglist!

word count: ~5.9k

masterlist

Sequel: The best present

Harry is not that into YouTube videos, has never really been, which is kind of ironic seeing the number of videos on the internet that is about him. The man himself who makes everyone talk online feels weird seeing someone talking on his screen, looking into his soul as if they were right there with him. But today he felt the sudden urge to be like his peers and get lost in random rambling videos from strangers, who felt the need to put themselves out there.

He has made a mean cup of tea for himself, made himself comfortable on his couch with his laptop balancing on his thighs and now is opening up his browser to unwind in an unusual way. As YouTube opens in front of his tired eyes, he stops when he tries to type in the keywords he is searching for. What is he looking for really? He thinks to himself trying to remember what he heard from his friends when they talked about funny or interesting videos. One thing is for sure, he is trying to avoid watching videos of himself in any content. He has had enough of him for the day, it’s time to focus on someone else, even if he doesn’t know the person.

He scrolls through several pages of many different keywords until he settles for a video where a girl talks about how her latest moving day went. Starting off Harry feels weird listening to her talk about such personal things as where her bed went in her room, how she packed all her stuff to fit them in the boxes, but soon enough this feeling settles and he starts to realize it’s kind of relaxing.

It doesn’t take too long for him to fall down a rabbit hole and by the time his tea empties out from his cup he is intensely watching a guy rant about his boss at Subway while doing a mukbang. The latter is a new discovery for Harry, he has never heard of it before, but he can see why some people find it satisfying.

The video ends, Harry checks the time and sees that it’s already after midnight and he hasn’t even realized how fast time flew by.

“Alright, just one more,” he mumbles to himself scrolling down the column of the recommended videos until his eyes stop at one particular upload at the very bottom.

July update for my Sammy, ready the title and an eye-catchingly beautiful girl is smiling from the thumbnail. He finds her breathtaking, the lack of makeup, the worn out hoodie she is wearing and the many various plants in the background makes it appear she is sitting in the middle of the forest.

Harry finds himself clicking on the video before he could even decide consciously to watch it. The screen loads and the girl appears in front of him, this time in a much larger size.

“Hi Sammy, welcome back to our channel,” she starts with an angelic little laugh as she pulls her shoulders up to her ears as if the camera is making her shy. She has no reason to be shy, Harry thinks to himself. His second thought is about Sammy, he is one lucky guy to know this angel and have her think about him. “It’s Y/N here, your one and only sister,” she adds.

Sister. The word brings Harry relief and he is surprised to feel this way, but he has no time to think anything of it because she starts talking again.

“Here is my July update, I’m sorry I’m a little late, but we got back from Oregon yesterday. Aunt Ella is sending you kisses and hugs, she missed you at the barbeque, or maybe it was just your helping hand at the grill,” she chuckles to herself, probably recalling the memory.

Harry has no idea who Aunt Ella is or where she lives in Oregon, but the way she talks about it makes him feel like he is part of the family a little.

Y/N carries on and starts talking about everything that has happened in July. Painting the shed at her parents’ home, buying a new armchair, one her cat absolutely adores and refuses to sleep anywhere else now, she went to the hairdresser to get a trim, but not too much. She tells about her plans for August, how she is thinking about going to the farmers’ market more often, and she has been playing with the idea of adopting another cat.

“I think Henry has been feeling a little lonely lately. He could use a buddy,” she tells the camera, her eyes moving to the side from where a weak but moody meow can be heard as an answer. “Yeah, I think he agrees,” she chuckles and Harry finds himself smiling at the screen.

At the end of the video she asks a few questions from Sammy, how he has been doing, if his wrist feels any better, even asks about a friend called Matthew. Harry wonders if she has ever gotten the answers to her questions and where Sammy saw this video. What is he doing that made her want to do an update on YouTube?

When the video ends Harry clicks on her profile faster than he would willingly admit to anyone and it’s like he opened the gate to paradise. Tens and maybe hundreds of videos are queuing on her page, monthly updates, birthday wishes, short story times about family gatherings, news and happenings in her life.

Harry gets lost in her tales. He watches video after video, noticing the smallest details about her, almost mentally taking notes about her updates, finding anything and everything she talks about so interesting as if he knew those people and places she mentions. He comes to realization that Sammy is her older brother who is serving somewhere in the military. Y/N is making the videos to update him about her life even if she knows most of them doesn’t get to him until weeks later, but it doesn’t seem to bother her. He also learns that Sammy sends them back lengthy emails once a month and always ends them with a joke they made up with his mates at the army. Y/N loves them even when they're not even funny, she never fails to mention that she smiled reading them.

Hours pass by and the rising Sun peeks inside the window pulling Harry back to his own reality, shocked that he just spent the whole night watching her videos and didn’t even realize how deep he has gotten in her life. Lucky for him he has nothing planned until the afternoon, so shutting his laptop he sets it aside and heads straight to bed, but lying between his silky sheets he catches himself staring out the window, wondering what Y/N might be doing right now. From what he collected she lives somewhere in Spokane and has family in Seattle and Portland, which puts her quite a few time zones behind him. He finds the thought of them going to bed at the same time despite the distance a little funny. He lies in bed for quite some time before he finally drifts off to sleep with a particular girl on his mind, who doesn’t even know he is thinking about her.

 “Do you think you can fall for someone you have never met?”

Harry’s question catches Mitch a little off-guard, but he is kind of used to his random bits of thoughts. Pouring some sugar into his coffee he follows the wondering singer to a free table in the corner.

“Isn’t it what all your fans feel?” he answers with a question, earning a surprised look from Harry. He hasn’t thought about this side, now the situation is kind of ironic, he supposes.

“Y’re right,” he nods stirring his coffee around in the small cup.

“Want to let me in on your thoughts?”

Harry feels a little shy to admit how he has watched all of her videos in the past few days, 207 to be exact and now he feels an oddly deep connection to this girl he has never even seen outside of a screen. Last night he dug up her Instagam profile, and even though she is not posting as frequently as she does on her channel, it was a refreshing change to see her in different settings. Chilling at a lake, having drinks with her friends, playing with her parents’ puppy, it amazed him that she has a whole life outside that small portion she lets him see in her videos.

Hesitantly, but he tells his friend about his latest hobby, if it’s not too weird to call it that, while his friend patiently listens and nods along his words while sipping on his morning coffee.

“D’you think I’m crazy?” Harry sighs leaning back in his seat, looking at his friend and colleague for validation that he hasn’t lost his mind entirely.

“Definitely not,” he chuckles shaking his head. “It’s like falling for that girl in school you know so much about but never really met.”

“Only that I’m stalkin’ this poor girl.”

“This is not stalking. We both know it’s far from that.” Harry nods with slight relief that his situation doesn’t seem as bad as he has been feeling lately. “Have you gotten in touch with her?”

“And what am I supposed to do? Comment on her video that I think her cat’s a cutie and I watched all her videos in three days ‘cuz I think she’s beautiful and I find her voice soothing?”

Mitch lets out a soft chuckle at the oddly specific answer he just gave and finds it amusing how interested his friend has grown about someone in such a short time.

“Maybe phrase it a little different.”

“So you do think I should reach out?”

“I don’t see why you shouldn’t. Use your personal YouTube, leave her a nice comment. Maybe she’ll reply.”

“And then what?”

“I don’t know, Harry,” he chuckles. “Just go with it and you’ll see. You are obviously interested in her, it’s better than just sit and watch her videos.”

Harry agrees. It wouldn’t hurt to try to reach out to her, possibly in a not too creepy way. Maybe just a sweet comment on one of her videos and if she replies… Well, he doesn’t know what comes after, but he’ll figure it out.

 Y/N updates regularly. Usually once a week and mostly it’s Sunday when a new video gets uploaded. This next Sunday Harry finds himself checking her page occasionally through the day to see if there’s a new update, but it seems like she is missing today. Right until he is driving home and gets a notification from the app.

Y/N has just uploaded a new video! It reads and Harry’s heart beats a tad bit faster. He thinks about pulling over to see it right away, but he tells himself that would be a bit too much, so he is forced to wait until he is in the comfort of his home.

Finally sitting on his couch he opens up his laptop and clicks on the video that has the title: September update.

Y/N sits in her usual spot, Henry in her arms as she is gently stroking his head with a warm smile on her face.

“Hi Sammy! Welcome back to our channel,” she greets him with her usual words and Harry loves how she calls the channel theirs. “This is my September update, even though not much has happened,” she breathes out, eyes wandering to the window besides her and Harry wonders what she sees from her window every day. Does she live in the city? Is it an apartment or a house with a backyard? Are there any trees or does her room have a terrible view, maybe just another house next to hers?

She starts her talk about the month, which she spent mostly with working, a little shopping and meeting her friends. She tells him about her planned trip to the local shelter to see possible new kittens to add to her household and Harry feels himself growing excited about it. He even thinks about what kind of cat he can see get along well with Henry even though he has never even met him.

“Anyway, mom and dad miss you, I miss you too. I loved your joke about ducks in your latest email,” she chuckles sweetly, bringing a smile to Harry’s face as well. “Mom is excited to see you at Christmas, our cousins will come to Portland as well. Maya can’t wait to play Jenga with you, she said she’s been practicing.”

The video soon ends as Y/N tells Sammy how much she loves him and eventually turns the camera off.

He straight away moves the cursor to the beginning of the video and as she starts talking again he scrolls down to the comment section that’s entirely empty. There are only two views on her video, usually a hundred is the max, but she doesn’t seem to care about the views, it’s more about the message.

He clicks to type a comment, but his hands stop above the keyboard as he tries to think of what to write. Mitch was right about taking a chance at reaching out, but what is he supposed to write exactly? Everything that comes to his mind sounds so creepy and scary, and he knows it’s weird that he formed such a deep connection to an unknown girl online. At last he starts typing.

“Hi Y/N! I’ve stumbled across your videos the other day. Love how you keep your brother updated, it’s such a nice gesture. I hope life treats you and Sammy well, you truly deserve it. Good luck with finding a buddy for Henry! Love, an admirer of yours, H.”

He reads it back several times, deleting then retyping it again until he decides to just go with it. A rush of adrenaline washes over his body when he sends the comment and it’s officially out there. Secretly he wishes she would reply right away, but moments pass by, then moments turn into minutes and nothing happens. His comment stands there alone and he has to realize that maybe she will never even reply or even see it.

It doesn’t matter, he tells himself as he shuts the laptop down and goes on to do his things, but he finds his thoughts wander over to her from time to time.

He has a busy day ahead of him the next day, quite a few meetings and a fitting. He checks back for a reply in the morning, but it slips his mind the moment he leaves from home and his phone rings right away. Throughout the day he basically barely has time to check his emails, his other notifications are just sitting patiently on the bar, waiting for him to acknowledge them. It’s way past five in the afternoon when he finally have some time for himself after his fitting. He is sitting in his car, people walk past him without even realizing who is sitting behind the tinted windows. Scrolling down he gets rid of everything that doesn’t seem urgent until his eyes stop at one particular notification.

“Y/N replied to your comment,” he reads it out loud, just to make it real, as if he is seeing it wrong and saying it with his own mouth brings it to life. He quickly taps on it and the familiar video opens up and while Y/N starts talking again the screen jumps down to the comments where, in fact, there is a reply from her.

“Dear H! Thank you for your heartfelt comment! I always forget it’s not just my family who sees these videos, but I’m happy you found them interesting enough to watch a few of them.”

“A few?” Harry huffs to himself feeling a little ridiculous he has watched all of them.

“I hope I didn’t bore you too much. Thank you for the well wishes for me, my brother and Henry too. He is sending his love to you. Y/N xx”

The comment was posted three hours ago. The thought that she has acknowledged his existence with not only reading but also replying to his comment brings him extreme joy. He reads her words over and over again, looking for any clue that would give away that she found his comment weird, but it seems like she was more surprised and happy that someone else saw her video besides her brother. Harry starts to type his reply without hesitation.

“Bore me? You saved me from watching another “what’s in my bag” video the other day. It was a pleasant change. I love your plants, by the way. Your room always gives off the most relaxed vibes. It reminded me I should have more of them in my home. H”

Harry smiles to himself posting his comment, the fear of appearing like a stalker long gone from him, the interaction is making his inside blossom from joy. For his biggest surprise a reply appears just a few minutes away and Harry reads Y/N’s new lines with deep hunger.

“Those videos suck the life out of me every time! I might be having a problem with buying too many plants, but I can’t help myself. They truly bring peace to me just by looking at them. I’m glad you are planning on buying some more, you won’t regret it!”

Harry is dying to reply, but he doesn’t want to look too eager and needy, so he opts for just liking her comment to let her know he read it and agrees. He locks his phone and puts it aside with the widest smile on his face as he starts his car and leaves his parking spot.

Two weeks pass by. In those two weeks Y/N uploads two more videos, one about her time with her grandparents, for a change it was filmed at their home and they even said hello in it. Harry feels wholesome seeing her with her granny and grandpa, it’s clear she cares a lot about them. The other video is just a short one where she has met some of Sammy’s old high school friends and she had a check in from them, sending a sweet message to him through the video. Harry doesn’t doubt how much these little things mean to Sammy, even if he doesn’t get to see them right away. Seeing Y/N alone boosts his mood every time she uploads a new video, he can only imagine how they make Sammy feel.

He leaves comments on her videos without a second thought and she replies to all of them, a lot of the time almost immediately. These are the highlights of his days without exception. Knowing that she has anything to do with him just fascinates him and he is starting to realize what his fans feel towards him on a different level. Whenever he sees the notification that she has replied to what he wrote or that she uploaded a new video he flies right to her page to check it, no matter what he is doing. Some of their comment threads turn out pretty lengthy, almost like a chat conversation and it has Harry wonder how they could maybe move it to somewhere else from the comment section.

He wants to ask for her number, but figures it wouldn’t be the best idea. Regardless of how much he enjoys their short little conversations, the situation is still weird and complicated and he doesn’t want to forget that.

But he is pleasantly surprised when she brings it up herself, to move the conversation to somewhere else.

“Would love to discuss that more with you. Up for exchanging IG names?” her question reads and he blinks a few before he fully comprehends that she wants to talk to him more in private. However there’s no way he can send her his real Instagram profile and making a fake one would be way too suspicious. Opening up the private messages he sends her a short, but informative message.

“I don’t use Instagram, but feel free to text me,” and then his phone number.

He sits at the dinner table anxiously, waiting for his phone to light up from a new text, and just a few minutes later it finally comes.

“Hi! It’s Y/N,” he reads from the notification and he saves the number right away.

“Hello! Save me as Harry. I haven’t even told you my name yet, how rude of me!” he replies chuckling to himself.

“Will let it slip this time. Harry. What a nice name!”

“Is it what you thought about from the H?”

“It was one of my theories. The other one was Hayes, but Harry fits you better.”

“You haven’t even seen me, how do you know what name fits me?”

“I don’t know. You had a vibe. There are many great Harries in the world, you seemed to fit between them!”

Harry wonders if she is thinking about him without even knowing that… it is him. He wants to ask her, but decides not to. Instead, he is enjoying that he can now reach her immediately and not through a comment section. He never thought this would actually happen.

 The texts never stop. They have so much to talk about! Their entire life to share, millions of thoughts and so much to discuss! Harry is not proud of the time he has spent with his eyes glued to his phone, but he wouldn’t miss a chance to talk to her for anything. Their friends are not blind to the change in him, but Mitch is the only one with a guess about why he has gotten so addicted to his phone.

“Is it the girl from the videos?” he asks Harry one time when they are at the studio, having lunch break. Different food boxes are scattered around them, on the table and the couch. Harry’s phone just light up from a text and he immediately dropped his lunch to type a response.

He glances up at his friend with a shy smile nodding his head. He hasn’t talked about his newly funded friendship with Y/N yet, it feels like as if he tells it to anyone it might evaporate into just a dream.

“So you reached out, huh?”

“I did,” he nods returning to his food once his message is sent. “She’s great.”

“Does she know who she is talking to?” Harry’s lack of answer tells enough about the truth to Mitch. “You can’t hide forever, especially if you are planning on meeting her.”

“I know,” he answers shortly. “But I just don’t know how I could even bring it up to her without sounding like a mad man.”

“She’ll need proof.”

“M’not ready to show m’self to her. What if it changes everything?”

“Then it wasn’t worth it,” he simply tells him.

Deep down Harry knows it’s the truth, but he is not ready to be robbed from the joy she is bringing him. He has never felt such a deep connection to anyone before and they haven’t even met. It’s just a version of her he is seeing on the screen, not her real self. But it feels real to him and he wants to keep this reality to himself for just a little longer.

 “I wish I could hear your voice, Harry. You are one big mystery to me, you know that?”

He forgets to breathe for a moment as he reads her message, lying in bed one evening, getting ready to sleep, but he wanted to check in with her before ending the day.

“You know so much about me already,” he types back.

“Not enough, I feel like. Sometimes I’m afraid Nev and Max are about to show up at my door and tell me that I’ve been catfished.”

He chuckles at her words, though he completely understands her fear.

“What do you want from me then?”

“Send me a voice message so I know you are real. That would put my suspicion to sleep. For a while…”

Harry hesitates for a long time until he decides just one voice message couldn’t hurt. Just a short one where his voice is not that recognizable so his cover won’t be over immediately.

“Good night, Y/N,” he tells into his phone and then send the recording to her.

He watches the status change from delivered to read and a couple of minutes go by before she finally responds.

“Thank you. Now I know that you are real. I hope I’ll hear your voice in real life one day.”

“I hope that too.”

 His time spent undercover is coming to an end and he knows it’ll happen soon. It’s been weeks since they started chatting, almost an entire month and she’s been hinting her will to see his face and though he has been putting it off, he knows it has to happen.

Fate is playing under his hands, because he is traveling to Seattle for a few days, exactly when Y/N is traveling there to visit her parents.

“I hope you know you can’t leave without meeting finally,” she wrote when she found out they are going to be in the same city.

“It never even crossed my mind!” he wrote back chuckling to himself, however it brought him extreme anxiety that he is now going to be forced to come clean about who he really is.

He spends his whole flight to Seattle making up possible outcomes for their first official meeting. Not all of them end well and it’s just fueling his fear that he might lose her for not telling her the entire truth.

But she is a smart girl, she’ll see your reasoning, he tells himself, however he can’t entirely convince himself that it will be the case.

In hopes of squeezing in more than just one meeting into the weekend they agreed to meet almost first thing after he lands. So after checking into his hotel he heads into the city to finally meet her in real life in a local café she suggested for the occasion. Arriving to the place he is running a little late and she already texted him she’ll be waiting for him inside. Harry is wearing a beanie with shades to try to keep up his cover and it seems to be working, no one has approached him yet.

Stepping inside the cozy looking place his eyes roam around and immediately finds her sitting in the corner, pouring sugar into her coffee, not even paying attention to the door at the moment, but truth is she’s been intensely staring at it in the past ten minutes she has been there.

Harry takes a deep breath and nods to himself before heading in her way, hands shaking nervously as he stops at her table.

She glances up at him with innocent eyes, a smile spreads across her face as she sees that her mysterious Harry has arrived and she doesn’t recognize her until he finally takes his sunglasses off.

Harry watches her face turn from happiness to surprise then utter shock as she realizes who is standing in front of him.

“You are… my Harry?” she asks, confusion laced through her voice and Harry can’t ignore how she called him her Harry. He likes the ring of it.

“M’orry if it’s a little too much f’you, I really didn’t know how to tell ya.”

Keeping his eyes on her he pulls out the other chair at the table and takes a seat across her while she is still staring at him with a shocked and puzzled expression sitting on her face. Then she looks around in suspicion as he wiggles his coat off his arms, before her eyes settle on him once again.

“It’s not an episode of Catfish, right?” she asks making him chuckle.

“It is not, don’t worry.”

“I’m sorry if I’m being weird, but this was literally the last thing I was expecting,” she admits leaning back in her seat. “I believed things like this only happen in movies.”

“Not just there,” he smiles, slowly relieving that she is still sitting there and hasn’t ran out. It’s going way better than he expected.

She needs a little time to put the whole picture together and befriend the thought that she indeed just developed a friendship with Harry Styles through her videos for her brother. The absurdity is still shocking to her, but the more time passes by with him still sitting there, the more she finds peace with it.

Once the shock and surprise is gone they slowly realize they are seeing each other in real life finally. Harry feels overwhelmed, she is even more breathtaking than in her videos and through texts. He is mesmerized by her whole being and could listen to her talk in person forever, he wouldn’t get bored of her.

Time stops existing as they sit at the little café, talking for hours even though that’s all they’ve been doing through texts, but they just can’t get enough of hearing each other, seeing each other’s reaction and be able to see each other and not stare at a screen while talking.

Unfortunately, time never stopped just for the two of them and soon she realizes she needs to head back home. Harry doesn’t want to let go of her just yet so he offers to give her a ride, thanking himself for getting a rental for himself upon arriving. Y/N accepts the offer so the two of them head back to her parents’ home, soaking up the last minutes of their precious time spent together.

“Thank you for today, I really loved meeting you finally,” she smiles at him once they are parked on the driveway.

“I hope I didn’t shock you too much,” he chuckles scratching his chin.

“Just a little,” she admits before they both get out of the car and walking around it she stops in front of him, after a moment of hesitation she opts for a hug that he returns more than happily.

It feels as if her frame was perfectly sculpted to fit in his embrace and Harry can’t imagine how he could go this long without even seeing her in person. He knows it’s gonna be utter misery to be away from her after they leave the city.

“Will I see you before you take off?” she asks letting go of him. Harry looks down at her, the urge to kiss her growing bigger with each passing moment, but he is not sure if it would be appropriate to give it a try on their first time meeting.

“I’m free tomorrow for a lunch,” he tells her and she nods smiling.

“Then I’m free too,” she chuckles.

There’s an awkward moment where they are not sure what else should be done or said and the more they wait the weirder it’s getting so Harry clears his throat as he takes a step back, sad that he has to leave without feeling her lips on his, but he is not trying to be too greedy.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he smiles walking back to his car. Y/N waves after him and sitting back to behind the wheel he takes a moment to himself to collect himself after everything that has happened today. His hands curl around the wheel and he is about to start the car when someone knocks on the window. Y/N is smiling at him through the glass and he rolls it down curiously.

“I just…” she starts hesitantly, her eyes wander down to his lips and Harry knows what’s about to happen, but it still catches him by surprise.

Y/N leans in through the window and presses her lips to Harry’s, capturing them in a sweet, long awaited first kiss they both have been dreaming of for quite a while. Harry smiles into the kiss, bringing his right hand up to cup her cheeks as they stretch the moment for as long as possible. Whenever one pulls back the other brings them back for just one more kiss that turns into two more, then three… It takes a long time for them to finally let go of each other.

“See you later, H,” she smiles backing out of the car and running up to the front door, smiling wildly as she waves in his way one last time before disappearing in the house.

 Lying in bed that evening Harry is scrolling through his Instagram feed when he finally realizes he can now follow her without a worry. He is quick to find her profile again and hit that follow button. He is happy to see she was already following him.

He is just about to put his phone aside and go to bed after such a busy but exciting day when a notification pops up on the screen.

Y/N has just uploaded a new video!

He taps on it quickly and her smiling face greets him from his phone’s screen.

“Hi Sammy! It’s me again. Welcome back to our channel,” she starts with a shy smile. The setting is new this time, he supposes it’s her parents’ home this time. “This is going to be a short video, but I wanted to tell you about something. Or someone.”

Harry’s heart skips a beat when he thinks about where it’s heading. He listens to her voice holding his breath.

“I met someone today. We’ve been talking for a while, but I could finally hug him today. His name is Harry, and he is a wonderful man. I think you two would get along well,” she says with a soft chuckle. “I love spending time with him and I hope he feels the same way. Actually…” Her eyes move up straight to the camera, something she doesn’t do often. She usually stares out the window or plays with Henry while talking. “I think he is watching it right now. Hi Harry!”

“Hello, Beautiful,” he greets her back with a smile as if she could hear him.

“I wanted to tell you how amazing you are making me feel. I hope I didn’t disappoint. I was so nervous to meet you today, I hope I lived up to what you imagined me to be.”

“You were so much better than that,” he answers again.

“Anyway… I hope you feel the same way. You are the first guy I’m talking about in an update, so appreciate it!” she tells him and he chuckles lightly. “I’ll see you soon, H. But until then… Know that I’m thinking about you.”

“M’thinking about you too, Angel.”

“Sammy, I miss you as always. I hope everything is well, can’t wait for your next email. I love you,” she smiles before the video ends.

Harry heads straight to the comments. This time he doesn’t leave a lengthy one, just a short line, but it has everything he wanted to tell her.

“I feel the same way.” The comment reads. Just a few seconds later comes the notification and he smiles sweetly at his phone.

Y/N liked the comment.

[shadyteacup]

Congrats on 300 followers! You really deserve it cuz you're so talented and amazing. Can I request a angst prompt 11 with dazai thank you ❤️

Hola amigo! Thanks sm :D

Here's some sad angst... n no, it doesn't have a fluffy end... :(

Osamu Dazai + “Tell me you don’t want to leave. Say I’m enough to make you stay. I know it’s not true, but please just say it.”

Warnings: Angst, strong language. || Word count: somewhere around 1600, ig..

Get Out

You were an observant person. You were pretty sharp and thoughtful. You weren’t dumb. In fact, you were smarter than the average John or Jane Doe. You never ignored any signs or forewarnings that your brain threw at you. You always reported if something seemed fishy. You have never ignored someone’s wrong doings before.

But then again, there’s a first time for everything.

Sighing, you opened the door for your boyfriend.

“Hey.”

You said as you turned around almost immediately, ignoring his smile. Walking inside, you sat back at your desk, resuming your work.

Dazai stepped in, confused and worried. He had a lot on his mind as of late. He had to maintain a perfect balance between home and work, and it was taking a toll on his wellbeing. He hoped it wasn’t affecting your mental state. Maybe seeing him depressed all the time was lowering your spirits? He dearly hoped that wasn’t the case, for he was trying really hard to relieve his stress before coming home. He tried his best to stay happy and come home with a smile.

He threw his coat on the couch, kicking his shoes off and getting himself a glass of water. He was tired and parched.

As he gulped down the heavenly liquid, he observed you from the corner of his eye. You were staring at the screen, hands frozen above the keyboard. You were thinking about something. It worried him. Your random zone out sessions made him question his behaviour. Was he being rude or mean to you? Was he the cause of your constant worry?

“Y/N?”, he called out to you, trying to get you to snap out of it.

You flinched slightly, peering at him through your lashes.

“Hmm?”

He walked over to hug you from behind, but you got up, effectively avoiding him.

“What’s wrong?”

He furrowed his brows, reaching out to grab onto your sleeve.

You froze at the contact.

“Why don’t you get changed? We can have dinner then.”

Dazai held onto you, determined to get an answer out of you.

“Y/N, what’s wrong? Why are you ignoring me?”

“I ordered Thai food today. Its from that new restraint around the corner. Riddhi really recommends it.”

“Stop ignoring me. And who’s Riddhi?”

“My friend. You haven’t met her.”

You tried pulling out of his grasp, but he pulled you forward, holding onto both your arms, now.

“Look at me. Y/N.”

You sighed, avoiding his gaze.

“Why don’t you get changed? I’ve picked out a shirt for you. It’s on the bed.”

Dazai was fed up with your aloof behaviour. You had been acting strange and distant for weeks now. Everyday was the same. He would come home to you acting weird, you would ask him to change, and only then would you let him touch you. He was tired of this bullshit. He had tried asking you politely and patiently, but every time you evaded his questions. He was done with beating around the bush.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this? What the hell have I even done?!”

He shook you, trying to pry an answer from you.

“Answer me! Tell me! What is it? Whatever it is, I’m sure we can figure it out. But you must tell me first. You have to speak. Say something!”

You ignored him, looking down at the carpeted floor.

Dazai sighed, letting go of your arms.

“Do you even care about us?”, he asked you.

“Tell me you don’t want to leave. Say I’m enough to make you stay. I know it’s not true, but please just say it”.

You whispered.

Dazai stared at you, confused.

“Of course, you’re enough. Tell me if you care. Do you even love me?”

You stepped back, trying to control your emotions.

“You’re the one going around fucking others. Unlike you, I actually care, Dazai.”

You whispered, afraid to look him in the eye. It had been weeks since you had smelled that perfume on him. It was sweeter than his own but had a musky undertone to it. That, paired with the random marks all over his body, was enough to convince you that he was having an affair. He was smart; he had tried subduing the perfume by carrying his own cologne with him and reapplying it after the deed was done. Whoever he was with probably supported him, as they always bit near the marks you had left. Your marks and their marks coincided.

Only you knew which marks were fresh and which were old. They didn’t know this, and often nipped at partially healed skin, reviving the bruise and giving it a nasty purple hue. That was a clear indication.

What disgusted you is that the person Dazai was sleeping with knew that he was cheating on his partner, and was supporting him by playing along with his plans.

The extra hours were also a clear give away. You had even called Yosano and Kunikida to ensure that the agency had called it a day. Both of them had told you that everyone had left the office, while your boyfriend claimed to be in a client meeting with Kunikida.

It was laughable how incompetent he considered you to be. Did he really think his half assed attempts at covering up would fool you?

“What the hell are you saying-”

“Don’t act dumb. I’m not stupid, you know that.”

Dazai continued his act, hoping to prove you wrong by putting it all on you.

“I’m a loyal partner, Y/N. Just because I’ve been having more work load lately, doesn’t mean you go around assuming shit about me. I honestly thought you were better than this.”

You sighed, finally meeting his gaze.

The dead look in them proved to him that he was caught. He could not do anything to fool you. You knew.

“It started three weeks ago, on Monday. You went to work at eight, came home around eleven. Work hours end at 6. You were smelling different. It was distinct. You never wear perfumes that have a sweet undertone.”

You stared at him dead in the eye, shutting him up with your gaze. He would not dare to come up with stupid excuses. Not with you looking at him like that.

“You had a hickey on your neck, on a spot that I hadn’t covered. You tried covering it up with makeup, but it wore off pretty quick. Ever since then, you have been visiting your secret friend daily. I’m guessing you go at least three rounds, since you come home so tired.”

“That’s just disgusting!”

“I thought so too. But it does tire you, doesn’t it? That’s the reason you come home so worn out. You go around having sex, and you’ve been trying to hide it from me for three weeks now. Tell me I’m wrong.”

His lack of reaction and the look of guilt plastered all over his face was as loud as a confession.

“Whoever it is, is blonde.”

He looked at you shocked.

“How-”

“I found strands all over your coat.”

He rubbed his forehead with his palm.

“You like them, don’t you? Its not just physical, is it?”

You asked with a sad smile.

“How do you know all this?”, he asked, devastated at the fact that you knew everything going on.

“I know you too well. I actually paid attention to our relationship. I cared.”

He ran a hand through his messy locks. He had been so stressed lately, he had to find an outlet. He wasn’t one to stay in any relationship for long, but he actually cared about you. He hadn’t meant to hurt you, which is why is never broke up with you. He was bored of the thing you both shared, but he knew that you cared. So, he pretended to be equally invested.

“Why didn’t you say anything earlier?”

“Because I wanted to continue this thing for as long as I could. But not anymore. I’m done.”

He widened his eyes at you. He had not expected you to end this. He might have been bored, but he still cared for you. He loved you. He didn’t want to let go yet.

“Y/N, we can work this out. Please don’t leave.”

He begged you, trying to come closer to you. You stepped back.

“Please don’t. I can’t handle your smell. That scent repels me.”

He gasped, finally realising why you didn’t let him touch you.

“The perfume is a constant reminder of my...”

“Yeah.”

“And you tolerated all that, for so long. All for us.”

You nodded, turning away.

“But it doesn’t matter anymore. Thanks to your intense questioning, I’m finally free.”

“It doesn’t have to end, Y/N! We can work this out!”

“No, we can’t. I’m not enough for your boredom, and I’m not willing to become someone else just to please you.”

“Y/N, I’m sorry, please don’t- ”

You smiled bitterly at him, before opening the door of your apartment, signalling to him.

“Get out, and only come back to get your stuff. Goodbye, Osamu.”

This story features one of my close friends, Riddhi. I had fallen short of names to use n though why not write about an actual friend? She's not on tumblr, unfortunately. Damn I miss going out with her... anyways, hope u liked it! N sorry for the rant :p

[bittybattybunny]

HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT I FINISHED

well mostly

that’s a temp crown and I have a single seam left BUT IT’S DONE REALLY OTHER THAN THAT

So now I’m prince ;3c (i also realized i could have grabbed my fake bouquet from my room for more fun---) also I’m wearing a face mask cuz I really didn’t want to put makeup on to fuck around in my basement when I do a proper photo shoot with Snuppet or something I will but deal with the mask (which btw is from @/timetravelinghk !!! It’s one of my favs to wear besides my levisnatch i wear at work)

I’m like super pleased with how this came out; It’s like patterned fully from scratch *stares at the failed attempts* yeah. it’s been a journey.

I’m gonna ramble a bit about the things I dealt with with this costume so read more I’m long winded

For context I started drafting patterns and such for Prince back when I made Snuppet. The idea has always been to cosplay as Prince and HK when I puppet him. However I wound up getting called back to my day job like right after I finished Snups so I never had a chance to continue because hooooo boi this summer was nuts. People wtf we broke records in sales for my work despite pandemic but i’ve ranted before--

There was also the matter of my boots and my wig. See the wig I’m wearing is the SECOND wig i bought for prince. the first one arrived all like... weird. i can’t get it to be fixed so I’ll use it for a monster costume and cover it with blood (its got like weird glue residue. like how some monster high dolls’ hair gets?)

This one is really nice uvu it’s my first arda wig i ordered; I do have the same in a dark purple because I will be making a ‘shadow prince’ version of this outfit in black and purple

and then the boots.

hoo boi

those boots

*inhale*

So let me say, I have decent sized feet. I wear between a womens 10 and 11 and that makes finding shoes a lil hard.

More so when I need very fucking specific shoes.

Yes i could do boot covers but it wasn’t going to be the same.

so I spent over a month looking and finally found those ones. they cost me a little bit (like they by far are the most expensive shoes I’ve ever bought. I hate spending money on shoes even for cosplay)

So they said they’d arrive soonish. I even paid express shipping.

Guys i ordered them in April. I got them late AUGUST. the site was a nightmare i could never get info it was permanently stuck in ‘packaging order for shipment’ and the help desk sucked and I was so busy with work I couldn’t call my bank and then just one day

they were just in a bag shoved in my mail box. i opened them right before a shift so they sat in my car all day

then i ordered gold cord on amazon

LACING THESE THINGS IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE

the first time I wore them took me no lie about half hour to get them laced proper and on. My sister was waiting and had to come up like “...you okay?”

once laced tho i can easily put them on and off in like 5 minutes

now the costume itself has been. interesting. so you can’t see but the actual way i put this on is there’s a zipper and velcro! I’ve mentioned before I have CFS and chronic pain issues so I try to make my cosplays easy in easy out if i can. so this actually just. zips up and then the flap with buttons velcros down. it keeps the whole thing a lot smoother across my chest. (also i wear a binder for this cosplay. I bought my first one for this. if you cant tell i kinda went all out for this cosplay because I resonate with this fucker on a personal level and he’s brought me peace of mind this last year. I haven’t done a male cosplay in years and it’s kinda nice to do it again.)

Those sleeves

hhhhhh

those sleeves

trying to figure out the proper way to make those puff sleeves was. yeah. and even then they aren’t perfect but they work for me. When I redo this for shadow prince I may make them a little.. poofier? i have the idea how to do it now.

I also like had to alter my pattern after i made it to fit better. I have narrow sloping shoulders so things slip off them easily, my original pattern had very BROAD shoulders whoops.

the collar was also fun. i have to keep like stabbing myself with pins to get it to stand right.

I think the cravat was the easiest thing. it’s actually not tied or anything. its sewn together and then there’s velcro so i just wrap it around my neck and secure. As i said. i prefer easy on easy off.

the pants were. fun. I’ve always had issues making pants. the first set well... I made farrrr too thin. the legs were fine but i couldn't get the waist bit over my thighs or rear TTvTT

I’ve been playing with that pattern for the past week. I actually made them too WIDE today which is a much easier fix. tbh could take them in more but I do want the poof a bit. I do need to not wear LEGGINGS under them next time. like.

this costume is warm. I’m going to be a roast prince when con’s are a thing again. between how warm the tunic and binder are, and carrying/puppeting snuppet if you see me please know if I glare it’s most likely I’m dying. Gods it’s warm. I overheat so easily. (another reason I make it easy on and off)

So yeah! that’s my tirade on my prince cosplay! if you actual read down to this point mwah!

get a laugh out of the fact as I was coming back up stairs i scared my cat. he always freaks out when I’m in cosplay.

Also admire i took these photos blind. I didn’t want to put contacts in so i was playing with my new remote (i got a phone based tripod and it has a bluetooth remote to take photos it’s fucking great ngl)

alright I’m gonna go---

idk watch youtube tbh Im just happy i finished this!!!!

also please ignore the fucking litterbox i swore i moved it out of frame akjkldsffg

[that-tall-queer-bassist]

My personal Pros and Cons of my ADHD

Pros

-noticing all the little details and appreciating them in the fullest

-Emotional Dysregulation, because when I get a new plant, or find that one oddly shaped metal marble I lost a while ago, I am so excited it’s pathetic, but I love that feeling of pure joy.

-hyperfixation of the week/day/hour (i know some people describe it differently, let me be pls) . I usually switch between art mediums, and/or a few video games/social media sites. for example, I’ve been on tumblr for 3 hours as i write this, after not touching it for, i think a month?

-nuerodivergent friends. They’re just better.

-the ability to completely drown myself in information to ignore reality. Is it healthy? no. But i simply cannot handle another existiential crissi rn, so i will instead play minecraft while listening to alt rock playlists on youtube because getting spotify sounds like a lot of work.

-my ability to retain absolutely useless information, from either my, or my other nuerodivergent friends hyperfixations/special interests. I can explain to you in terrible formatting if it’s out loud, the evolution, history, training, anatomy and roles of the horse in our world, and how ao3 works, and what makes or breaks a fanfiction.

-Object Impermanence. When i literally hide myself a treat or surprise and forget about it, then get so excited when i do find/discover it again. I hide google questions, and/or song lyrics in my tabs :) its so fun. Also, hiding away stressors. Again, healthy? no, but i don’t feel like having anxiety all day, so whatever.

-Emotional Dysregulation, again. I can switch from sad or angry to happy and excited/content in a few seconds. It’s also great for getting my siblings out of their funk. ex., my sister is mad at me. I make a silly voice repeating what she said or cross my eyes at her. she laughs, then we can talk and have constructive conversation about why she shouldn’t get that upset about me “cutting off her reading time” when we share a room and I want to sleep, and know that she will be very tired tomorrow if she doesn’t also go to sleep. (We have this conversation almost every single night, i’m not even joking)

Cons

-Emotional Dysregulation. When i get upset, I’m Upset. Like, big time, ruining friendships and familial ties if i let it get out of hand, Upset. Yeah.

-Time Blindness. Constantly late, or early, or under or over estimating the amount of time it takes to do a thing, not eating til 4 because you forgot but you also should just wait til dinner, but now its 9 and I still haven’t eaten-

-Executive Dysfunction. I can’t do the things needed to function. Don’t have the mental energy to explain this one, so google it i guess? There’s a whole checklist of things you need to be able to do to function, and i can do like, three on a good day.

-Sleeping Trouble. People with adhd have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, and waking up. So, sleeping trouble. So I’m constantly tired.

-Internal Clock is SLIGHTLY OFF. Nuerotypicals have that normal sleep schedule. Adhd ers have it shifted forward by, i think, 2, 3 hours. So we go to sleep later, and wake up later, and that’s the only way to get a healthy amount of sleep. My entire family also eats dinner super late, which might be because we’re weird, but I suspect the inner clock thing cuz we all got adhd.

-Object Impermanance. I hid my math homework one time. I failed that class. 

-Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Never trying, or starting cuz I’m so terrified to get a bad reaction. Constantly masking around certain people to appeal to the few of my Nuerotypical friends. Or, y’know, majority of my extended family. They’re ableist. and homophobic. And transphobic. And racist. and sexist. The list goes on, but, yeah. Never coming out to them! :D

-Masking. It’s exhausting and I can only handle so much of it.

-Not Masking around nuerotypicals. The shoot down after finally revealing my true thoughts, urges, feelings, stims, etc. just sucks. Super disheartening. 

-Squirrel or shiny jokes when they’re made by people without adhd. Yes, I do get distracted by squirrels, and shiny things, and dice. Stop pointing it out, and/or putting me into yet another box of your labeling. 

-saying that I’m lazy, worthless, or a disaster when really it’s not helping. I already have that internal monologue, you adding to it and giving it some truth/extra ammunition is not. helping.

-Emotional Dysregulation. Again, because mood swings. like, I’m trying to be rightfully angry with you. Stop making me laugh with you’re silly faces or pointing out of a weird face someone made in a picture you took. 

-the stigma about the hyperactive subtype. I’m inattentive. I have No Energy. Ever. Sometimes i have restlessness, but there is still no energy. Stop portraying me as bouncing off the walls, especially with caffeine. Caffeine just catches my body speed up to my brain speed, settling me down a bit, at least mentally. 

-people not getting when i say I’m overstimulated, or need some time alone to process or re-energize, and following me, or continuing to do the overstimulating thing. I will literally. lose. my. mind.

-when people shut me down after I share something that is really important to me, or make fun of me for liking something an “abnormal” amount. Flashbacks to overnight camp, when whenever I said anything about horses, they said I had to do five squats, and when i got really excited about discussing the differences in riding styles/types with another person who really liked horses, but rode english, they said that it was obnoxious, when i was just.. excited to finally find someone to talk to and who felt the same way after, basically, years and years of no one getting it or wanting to listen or talking with me about the thing. To this day I don’t discuss horses with anyone, cuz it hurts so much remembering that, and the fear of it happening again is still there. 

-seeing other people be ashamed about their adhd and hesitant to mention until i talk, like, super openly about having it, in like, the first 5 minutes of knowing each other. It just.. hurts.

-I’m super empathetic, not in a way that’s helpful though. Like, wincing, or limping myself because I saw you drop something on your foot, and am imagining it so vividly that it feels like it happened to me. Reading a fic about abuse or depression, and it hitting too hard and hurting me almost physically, and on a personal level because I simply cannot handle it. Feeling someone else’s pain so vividly that i can’t comfort or help them in any way, because I am so preoccupied with  feeling their pain. 

-never being able to finish things without starting something else. All the WIPs in my google docs, istg, i will be driven insane by it. 

(y’know, this was kinda fun. As a rant, but also as a way for me to identify things about myself and my adhd that i like. Like, I know its so much shorter, but I have a hard time with positive self affirmation, so it was kinda nice. I might do it again, but just the pros part cuz the cons are kinda depressing ngl.)

(OH, Y’all should reblog with your own personal pros added on! You can add cons if you’d like to :) I’m just interested in seeing how your experiences/feeling differ from mine :) )

[thefatedthoughtofyou]

A Sky Full Of Stars

Ao3

(((( big thanks to @tinyboop for.... letting me rant at you i guess???? Hahahhaa! Idk!!! ))))

Summary: this is literally the most random little thing about Sam and Bucky and Mother's Day.

They'd been out grabbing some groceries when they walked past the little display in the window of the flower shop. Some big bright thing about mother's day being right around the corner. Bucky goes quiet. Not that he was being overly rowdy or anything. But he'd been relaxed. Having a nice time. He's tense the rest of the way home and Sam doesn't see him for the rest of the night.

The next few days he hardly sees him either. He comes out for food and disappears again. Sam leaves him to it, knows he'll talk when he's ready. Or at least come out of his room. He's never chatty. But Sam gives him space.

He gets up early on Mother's Day, makes himself a small breakfast, and smiles to himself when he hears Bucky "sneak" out the front door. He grabs his jacket, slips his shoes on, and follows him.

Sam knows exactly where they're going as soon as Bucky takes his 3rd left. He watches him go through the gates, shoulders drooped, head down, hood up. And Sam turns around, lets him go.

Bucky just stands there. For a long time. Looking down at his mom's grave. He doesn't know what to say. He used to be good at talking to his ma. But he just can't seem to say anything. His throats all closed up. He hears Sam way before he scuffles up behind him and stops.

They both stand there.

Silent.

Bucky clenches his fists.

"I left her." Bucky finally says, quiet. Sam sighs and closes the space, his hand falls on Bucky's shoulder easy.

"You didn't leave her." Bucky looks up at him, smiles that sad smile he has, and Sam's heart breaks, like it always does.

"I did though." Sam takes a deep breath. There's days Bucky is fine. And then there are days when ghosts show up. Ghosts Sam never would have even thought to think of. And this was one of those days.

"Okay, maybe you left her. In the literal sense. But you didn't abandon her Buck. You got drafted. You wrote her letters yeah?" Bucky doesn't say anything. Sam shakes his shoulder.

"Yeah. I wrote her letters." He finally says. Quiet.

"Bucky." He moves to look him in the eyes. "You didn't leave her. You were taken." He thinks for a moment, eyes moving away from Bucky and then zeroing back in.

"Twice." Bucky looks at his feet.

"Hey" Sam says, quiet like he's trying not spook a skiddish horse. Bucky looks back up at him, with mainly his eyes.

"It wasn't your fault. And i should know, cuz i mean a lot of things are DEFINITELY your fault, but not this." Sam feels relief flood through him when Bucky laughs. It's small. But its there.

"Those for me?" Bucky asks.

"What?" Bucky nods at Sam's hand, he'd forgotten he was holding them, a bundle of flowers.

"You wish. These are for your mother. Obviously." Sam rolls his eyes and sets them gently on the grave in front of them, as he straightens the leaves he doesn't see the look Bucky gives him.

Afterward, Sam drags him away. Tells him he wants to show him something. Bucky is apprehensive at best. But he lets Sam take him god knows where. Turns out god knows where is Sam's family's place. His mother's house to be exact. Bucky is shaking by the time they get to the door.

"Sam I'm not sure this is a good idea."

"Hush. It's fine" And then his mom is answering the door and pulling them both inside.

"You're late young man." his mother says. Sam laughs as she pulls him close.

"Sorry mama, we had to stop and visit his mom in The Valley." She lets her son go and looks at Bucky, her eyes are kind like Sam's, and when she gives him a small toothy smile he sees Sam's gap and dimples reflected too. Then she pulls him close too. Doesnt say she's sorry for his loss, doesn't pity him, just squeezes him tight and says,

"Well if there's an exception to the rule, I'd say that qualifies." Then she turns to Sam, looking stern.

"Are you gonna introduce your guest?" And Sam startles and stutters before hurrying through the introductions. Bucky mumbles a small hello, and Sam's mom smiles at him again before telling him he can sit down and keep her company while sam cooks them a nice meal.

Bucky and Sam's mom get along, very well. Sam swears he even hears bucky laugh at one point, but when he peeks in to look at them, both of them are stone faced watching the tv. Sam is immediately suspicious, but he lets it go. They're quiet for awhile before he hears bucky say,

"I'm gonna see if he needs help with anything Mrs. Wilson, I'll be right back

" Sam smiles into the gravy he's stiring and pretends he didn't hear a thing. Bucky doesn't say anything for a long time, and when Sam finally turns around he finds him leaning in the doorway, arms and legs crossed as he watches Sam.

"Whats up Buck?" He asks, moving on to check the boiling potatoes. Bucky shakes his head gently.

"Just seein if you need any help?" He steps forward finally, into the kitchen. Sam looks at him for a second.

"You know how to cook?" He narrows his eyes.

"Of course i know how to cook. Little suprised you do." He says, laying his hands flat on the table, looking over Sam's cooking.

"What? Why are you suprised i can cook?" He sounds offended. And then Bucky is smiling and he just doesn't care.

"Sam, half the time i see you eat you're eating fast food or those weird protein bar things."

"Excuse me!?" Sam's mothers voice calls from the living room.

"Nothin mama!" He glares at Bucky who smiles and moves his eyesbrows on his forhead exactly once.

"Oh you're an asshole." Sam says and turns back to the stove.

"Yeah... i know. But I'm an asshole who's offering a service. You takin it or leavin it?" He turns again, Bucky's hands are at his sides, palms out, questioning. Sam watches him, thinks it over, sees Bucky's foot start to move and says,

"Can you mash potatoes?"

"Can i mash potatoe? Sam is now really the best time to brush up on your dancing?" He says, moving forward and taking the bowl of now strained boiled potatoes from Sam. Sam swears he hears his mother snort in the other room.

"You- what?"

"The mash potatoe. It's a dance. Was a dance? Is a dance." He decides, taking the mixer off the counter, dodging around Sam as he's frozen in confusion.

"Oh right, yeah. Good one." He says, sounding far away. He'd gotten the joke. He KNEW what the dance was. But Bucky joking had... knocked him off balance.

He watched as he began to get the potatoes going, saw that small smile on his face, and had to shake his head. A joking, smiling, Bucky Barnes, was helping him make his mother dinner for mother's day. He cleared his throat and got back to work.

Dinner was amazing. Bucky and his mother both praised the food he'd made. She gushed over the mashed potatoes for an overly long time, sharing little glances with Bucky that made Sam suspicious again. The fact that she kept looking between them, smiling and shaking her head was not helping.

They headed out late. His mom giving Bucky a very long hug before waving him out the door. Bucky went to stand by the car while Sam said goodbye to his mother. She stood looking up at him for a moment.

"What?" He asked, she had a look in her eyes.

"That boy." She nodded to Bucky.

"Yeah?" Sam asked, head tilting as he glanced at Bucky and then back to her.

"He's a good one. Nice manners. And funny." She said, inclining her head and swatting at Sam's chest.

"Funny? He's funny?" Sam asked, skepticism pressed into his voice hard, to keep up appearances. His mother looked at him, her hip cocking to the side.

"Yes. Funny. Charming too. And a bit sad." She said, looking out at Bucky, who had the decency to pretend to be looking at the stars.

"Yeah. I guess he's-"

"But not around you."

"Huh?"

"He's not sad around you."

"Mama how could you know that?"

"He has these little lines around his eyes when he's around you. Like he's smilin even when he isn't."

"He-"

"Just cuz he isn't smiling doesn't mean he isn't happy to be there." She said, cryptic as always when important things are being said.

"Happy to be where?" Sam asked, though he was pretty sure he knew her answer.

"Whereever you are." She smiled up at him once more and then pulled him close, and thanked him for a lovely meal, same as every year.

Sam walked to the car slowly, Bucky was still looking at the sky. Sam unlocked it and Bucky looked at him finally, nodding before sliding into the passenger seat.

They drive in silence for awhile before bucky sighs and relaxes farther in his seat. "There's so many stars out here." Sam glances at him, his eyes are still fixed on the sky. So he hadn't been pretending, he was genuinely transfixed by the sky.

"That was one of the best things about Wakanda. Besides the quiet. At night you'd look up, and it was just a sky full of stars." Bucky hadn't mentioned much about his time in Wakanda, to anyone. Sam was pretty sure he just wanted to have something to himself. He glanced at bucky again.

"There are places around here like that. Places you could go. You could probably buy a house in a place like that." Sam said, they'd never talked much about that either. Bucky having a place of his own. Sam could see him nodding, could see that small smile on his lips. "That'd be nice." He said, sighing again as the warm air blew over his skin. Sam cleared his throat and forced himself to keep his eyes on the road.

"So, where to next?" He said, for something to say really. He knew they were heading home. He felt Bucky shrug heavily next to him. And then felt Bucky's eyes on him. Sam turned to look at him, cautiously.

"Wherever you want, it's good with me."

And Sam saw it. What his mother had been talking about, the little lines around Bucky's eyes. He was smiling, without smiling. And he was looking at Sam. And he knew, just then, for that moment, he'd go anywhere with Bucky, do anything for him, as long he kept looking at him like that.

Sam smiled then, and huffed out a laugh as he moved his eyes back to the road. He heard Bucky do the same, saw a flash of white in his peripheral vision that ment  Bucky was full on smiling, before he turned to look out the window once more. Sam took a deep breath, letting the warm air whisper agaisnt his skin as he drove them back to the city, hands twitching on the wheel when Bucky shifted in his seat and let his hand rest loosely on the console between them.

Sam almost reached out. He suddenly longed to touch him, and though the hand lying there was metal, it was still Bucky's. He glanced at Bucky again and made himself a promise.

Soon.

Soon he'd reach out. He'd touch him. He'd reach out and change things. The next time Bucky smiled. Under a sky full of stars.

[sehunniepot]

i like me better (when i’m with you) / 1.2 ✎

the fluffy strangers to lovers college!au in which your friends are tired of you complaining about being single and find your perfect match in the one and only campus dj, jaehyun jung.

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You sighed as you slid into the car. Always the observant one, Johnny shot you a worried glance as he started the engine.

“What’s with the heavy sighing?” he asked, shifting the car into drive.

“I just...I don’t know?” The confused lilt in your voice stopped your best friend from interrupting you. You clearly had something to let out and he was going to give you the space to do so. That’s how it always was during these deep car talks. You would talk and Johnny, being the great older brother figure he was, would listen. 

“I’m definitely happier than before. I’m satisfied with where I’m at. A lot healthier, in a major that I actually enjoy compared to last year. I’ve worked on myself for the past year and I like who I am now. I have a great group of friends—”

This time, Johnny couldn’t help but say something to lighten the mood. He smirked and said, “Yeah, I am pretty great, aren’t I?” 

You playfully shoved him in reply. 

“I’m sensing a ‘but’ in that sentence, though.” And just like that, the driver pulled you back into the serious conversation you were having.

“Yeah.” You ran your fingers through your hair while trying to gather your thoughts. Glancing at you, Johnny caught you nibbling your lip and playing with the ends of your hair. You always did that when you were deep in thought or something was bothering you in some way. He guessed this was deeper than your group of friends thought it was. And that bothered him.

As a true friend of yours, Johnny wanted you to be comfortable with them. To be happy in their company. But lately, the happiness he noticed was fading. There was something preoccupying your head. He needed to get to the bottom of it so he could help you in any way that he could. 

The oldest of the group always doted on you and you two knew it to be true. There was no denying it. However, there was never a hint of romance behind that doting. It was similar to and older sibling choosing his favorite younger sibling and putting extra care to make sure they turned out alright. 

Johnny Suh, the caring man everyone always knew him to be, just wanted you to be okay. 

“I don’t know. Seeing Mina and Mark sometimes makes me miss having a partner. It’s weird, like, really weird. At times, I wish I had someone to share this happiness with. It gets me in a mood and I know how to pull myself out of it.”

Dating, you mean. You know it. You’re sure Johnny knew it too by the way he hummed in response. But that’s all he did. Hum with no other words to say. Johnny’s silence allowed you to continue on. 

“But I’m scared of putting myself out there. Sehun...I know he was your friend but he hurt me pretty badly. I don’t think I could trust anyone with my heart again.”

You fiddled with your fingers anxiously—the topic of your past relationship was something you hated talking about.  If you could even call it that to begin with. Maybe situationship was a better word for it.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to put myself out there again. I’ve tried once or twice and it always ended up with me backing out because I got into my own head.”

Your friend called your name and you shook your head, trying to stop the pity from slipping out of his mouth. You didn’t want it. You didn’t need it, either. “Munchkin,” your friend tried again with that nickname of his that made you break down your walls. 

You let out a bitter chuckle in return. “Am I just going to be someone’s plaything for the rest of my life? Because that’s what happened with the past two guys? Or are my standards just too high that I can’t meet a person to match them?”

“Munch, you need to stop doing that,” Johnny warned you, his voice growing sharper with each word. The upset dad voice was starting to surface. That’s how you knew he really cared, when that tone of voice would appear. “You know that’s not true.” 

Sending him a hint of a smile, you were glad you had someone like Johnny as a close friend. He may be a goofball at times but the man always knew what to say when you needed it the most.

“Look, the guys you met in the past? They were trash, including Sehun. But that shouldn’t stop you from putting yourself out there! And who knows, maybe you’ll find someone when you least expect it,” he reassured you, a warm grin gracing his full lips. 

Eyes still training on your friend, you wondered why you couldn’t fall for a guy like him or Mark. Why did you waste your time with assholes?

Johnny turned into the parking lot of the shopping center, startling you out of your thoughts. You were so invested so into voicing what was shaking you up, you hadn’t realized that you were reaching the bakery.

Getting out of the vehicle, you both grabbed your cell phones and wallets. Johnny came around to shut the door for you, a little thing he always did that made you smile. Gathering you in his arms, your best friend gave you a comforting hug. “Hey, Munch?”

“Hmm?” you hummed, inwardly groaning at the long line of customers waiting to get their treats as you entered the bakery.

“What would you consider boyfriend material anyway?” Johnny questioned. You gave him a weird look to which he shrugged in return. “Just curious. I mean you already know my type.”

“Ummmm,” you had to take a moment to actually think about it. Johnny smiled at you patiently, waiting for your answer, “A guy who’s incredibly sweet and has no problem making me laugh. Caring. Has the same interests as me? Music, movies, whatever; so we have something to talk about, you know? Or at least, understands and listens when I talk about something I’m passionate about—”

You started to run off at the mouth as the line moves up. Again, Johnny did nothing but listen. As you listed the traits you looked for, he was mentally making a list of them and filing through his friends to see if anyone fit the bill.

“—Speaking of passion! They have to be passionate about their goals! And respectful of boundaries. Patient. And I don’t know—someone who’ll do cheesy things with me like dance around in the kitchen?”

Noticing that you were starting to drift into a rant, you stopped yourself with a sheepish smile. Almost embarrassed that you were going on without end, you began to fiddle with your fingers again. “I’m rambling, aren’t I?” 

“You’re fine, Munchkin! And those really aren’t high standards at all. A bit cheesy though, but it fits you. I can see you dating someone like that,” he reassured you, ruffling your hair. You squeaked at the sudden action and failed to slap Johnny’s large hands away from your head. A grumble left your lips as you used the glass windows as a mirror t fix your appearance. 

Completely fits someone I know, Johnny thought to himself.

You both stepped forward in line. Squinting at the menu plastered on the wall, you skimmed through it and jokingly asked, “You’re just saying that cuz you’re practically my brother. Know anyone that fits my ideal type though?”

“Maybe, why? Want me to set you up?” your tall friend teased. “I might have a couple of friends who fit the type.”

“Oh yeah, totally interested if you could actually find someone. Highly doubt it though,” you shot back, sarcasm dripping from your words.

“Eh, I wouldn’t be too sure about that,” Johnny said with a knowing grin. Shooting him a confused look, the boy just shrugged his shoulders, revealing nothing else. 

Then, there was this sudden need to relieve yourself. Glancing at how many people were in front of you, there was still a bit of time before your party reached the front. “I’ll be right back, I’m gonna the restroom real quick. You already know what I want, right? Just in case?”

Johnny nodded, waving you in the direction of the bathroom. As soon as you were out of sight, your friend pulled out his phone to a string of texts from Sejeong, Mina, and Mark in a new group chat that for some reason, didn’t include you. He skimmed through it and chuckled—what amazing timing.

© sehunniepot / sehunniepotwrites, 2020-2021

[umihoshi-art]

Letter - Fugo x Narancia

“Dear Fugo,

 You must be tinkin thinking 'what an aweful awful handwriting', but I guess that way you'll really know it's mine.

 It's been 3 days since we left off. I left in the spurt of the moment, so we never really said goodbeye.

 But I wouldn't want to either.

 When this is all over, the first thing I'll do is trek track you down with Airosmith. There's no hiding, so be prepared!

 First thing, you'll probably clup club me on the head. Guess I'd deserve that. Then, I'd laugh you in the face, cuz we were right and you were rong.

 Oh! don't get me rong. I'm not blaming you for staying behind or anything. Bucciarati said we were all free to take our pick, so it's fine.

 But well, I would have liked it if you had come along. I had hoped you would.

 And there've been a lot of momentz where I thought you might just pop up.

 We ran into this stand user that made me say everything oppusite. So at some point, I started ranting a bunch of facts that aren't true. Like 2+2 is 5 and 3x3 is 8, sharks are plants and tomatoes are black. Stuff like that. And in all honestly, I had sorta thought it'd make you come dash over and floor me. That would have been great, really! If it were you, you'd probably figure it out right away.

 A lot happened really. A lot of sad things. At some point, we were being followed by someone and I shot him. He was a member of the eksequ exequ execusion squad. I don't regret it or anything, but it gave me a bad feeling.

 Now that we've betrayed the boss, doesn't that mean they're on our side? It made me worry, once I had time to think about it. If you had been there, what would you have said? Would you tell me I did good and protected everyone? Would you tell me I got too hasty? Would you tell me it couldn't be helped?

 Guess I've gotten kinda insecure of the late.

 Thing is, uhm... right after that, Abbacchio was killed. He's gone.

 I still get upset, when I take a pauce and thinking about it. It happened so fast, doesn't really feel real yet.

 I bawled my eyes out like a baby. I've never felt this goddamn awful, Fugo.

 I wonder what you would've done, then. If I know you a little, you'd have probably destroyed the place, screeming mindlesly. You always act like you don't really care, but I know you're a passionate guy.

 Right now too, you must be reading this and feel like crying and screeming. When you do read it, I hope I'll be there for you.

 There was a lot of crazy stuff too, like an actual fucking zomby stand! And this weird-ass mold that was hella sick! If you'd had been here, it would have been such a cool moment for you to use Purple Haze. Fight fire with fire, biting virus with biting virus!

 Really, it was all wild as hell, but we pulled trough. A lot of other stuff happened too, but I'll tell you when I see you. Bucciarati'll probably get mad at me if he found this note already. Falu Valuable information and such.

 But uh, I guess I want you to know all of these things, no matter what. Even if I don't find you, this letter might, y'know?

 And I just wanted you to know I've been alright and that I miss you. I want you to be proud of me. And I want you to know that no mater what happens,

 I'll always love you more than anything.

 Volare Via,

 N.G.”

Giorno bit his lip as he looked at the drenched paper again. The blood had long dried up, so there was no way of saving it.

He had considered looking for a stand user who could somehow restore things. Might be a long shot, but it was worth trying.

But before he'd try that, he'd want the person it was meant for to see it first.

With his new amount of influence and Mista's help to find his way within the organization, it took just a few days to find the man opposite of him in the run-down hotel room by the window frame.

A broken man who hasn't slept or eaten in days. A man who looked like a starved dangerous animal.

With the slightest touch, he would probably lash out to everyone and everything, including himself.

Giorno swallowed. It mesmerized him how full of emotions one person could be.

He was like the personification of their long journey. Everything they had sacrificed.

Giorno felt guilty over initiating all of it.

But it was from here on out that things would slowly go for the better. And Giorno wanted to start here.

“I'm sorry....” He spoke softly. “They didn't make it... Just me and Mista.”

Fugo didn't reply. The red in his eyes was deep and intense as he stared at the younger teen from across the room.

“Narancia-” Giorno heard the other inhale sharply at the sound of that name, “....-was holding this. I couldn't safe it, though.”

Giorno held the bloodied note out to the other. It showed signs of Giorno having tried to clean it. But if he had tried more then this, it would have only smudged the handwriting.

Fugo's hand was shaking fervently as he took the note and read the only 4 lines that were saved. He held his breath as things were spinning in front of his eyes.

“--ays love you more than anything.

 Volare Via,

 N.G.

 ps: 16x55=880.”

Fugo fell to the ground, wailing in the most heart wrenching way the other had ever seen. It vividly remembered him how Narancia had cried out the same way.

They had been so alike...

It took Giorno aback and he felt tears prick in his eyes aswell.

He vowed to himself to make the impossible happen. If he had to, he'd MAKE a stand user that could recover this letter.

Giorno remembered running into this Japanese kid who was a stand user.... maybe there were more across the world.

But right now, there was one thing Giorno could do to relieve some of the heavy guilt his 'traitorous' friend must be feeling:

“Pannacotta Fugo. I have a job I want you to handle.”

[chris-spacehere]

Penthos

hey girl, i had to make a greek myth for english class and im too lazy to make my own characters i made an au.

Penthos: philza Thirio: Techno.

Aplistos: Dream

(ok that was just a clarification cuz i had to change their names for obvious reasons)

uhh enjoy this crappy fic im kinda proud of also i had to write this as a greek myth set in modern times so please don’t kill me for the shitty way i wrote this.

                                                        Penthos.

Penthos was a mortal, whos soul had fallen to the rivers of Hades as he fell to his death, pleading he wanted a second opportunity to see the sun another day, Hades agreed on the deal as Phentos became an immortal, by the price of having to live as all the people around him die, family, neighbors, beasts, animals, his power became a curse, proclaimed as the ‘Angel of Death’, fallen from grace, watching everyone and everything fall with him.

He watched from afar, as the mortals challenged gods, filled the world with machines and power-hungry beasts, hiding on the woods, hiding from the horrible monsters humanity has become, scared of getting attached to anyone, scared of the death from those around him.

He lived in the woods, scared of going out, scared of himself, as he was walking and gathering fruits to make food, he found some pointy pink ears going around, as he thought this was a pig, he instantly went to hunt it, but when Penthos found it, There was no beast or pig, but a child, He had long elf-like ears, glasses, a bright pink hair, a white shirt, black pants and a dead bunny in his hands, plus he looked like he was around 14 years old, why would a child be alone in the woods? Where are his parents? and why are his ears so weird?

“who are you? Where are your parents? Why are you alone? what’s with your weird ears and hair?’ were some of the many questions Penthos asked the child, it’s been ages since the last time he talked to someone. “i’m an orphan” the tiny kid answered in a very soft and low tone, “aren’t orphanages a thing? you don’t need to be in the woods alone, the animals could eat you or-” the orphan interrupted Penthos before he could finish his claims of how dangerous it was for him to be alone. 

“I am a strong person, old man! i can’t die and if i tried going to whatever on earth those humans were doing outside of this woods, they would just get me to their labs or treat me as a pet just for some pointy ears, you know you people just treat people like me as dumb animals for being different!” the kid cried in anger, pushing away Penthos “i understand you” Penthos said trying to calm down the child who seemed to have so much emotions going on his head “i made a deal with gods, y’know back then when people actually respect the olympus and all of this machines were just dreams of what the gods could barely make, i didn’t want to die and they accepted my cries but..everyone around me died, it is hard to not me human, but what happened to you? It has been so much time since i last saw someone like you..” Penthos said, trying to relate to the kid, so much time without being with people but he did miss the feeling of trying to make a child smile.

“They cursed me..” the orphan said “they cursed me to be a ‘beast’ for eternity, my own city exiled me for what I've become and now i’m here, but i don’t need some old man to tell me what to do! I've been surviving for one month already, I can handle myself, I know how to fight and I know I will never die, just like you or whatever you say the gods did to you!” The kid exclaimed while shoving back his tears. Penthos was surprised by this kid's confidence and use of words, he may not have understood well what he meant, but he thought he might have finally found someone like thim, a companion for his everlasting time on this planet, someone to share stories with, someone to take care of, a friend.

Penthos open heart seeking for company after all of this centuries, lonely, decided to invite the child to stay in a shack he built in that forest, he was known for not letting himself  get attached to stuff but this time it seemed like he wasn’t going to leave this one, this time he felt comfy and wanted around. “My name is Thirio by the way” The kid said to penthos on their way to the shack. “Penthos” Penthos replied softly to the kid as they walked their way to home.

It was nice, for first time since the old ancient greece times he had a family, they touched the guitar and sometimes went to the Mortals cities to watch what was going on, you could say they didn’t really like the way governments and economy were working this days, just an old man and an smart child ranting about society from afar while cracking jokes.

One time when they were done with their visits to the Cities of the mortals as usual they returned to the woods and headed to take a nap on a lake near their shack, but this time there was someone following, an unknown man with golden hair in a green hoodie, he just silently followed them into the woods, no words, just a long walk back home.

As Thirio and Penthos relaxed in the lake the man with the green hoodie came out of the darkness, he was just a human wasn’t he? there was no reason to be scared, he was probably just a wanderer, Penthos told Thirio to just try avoid talking to the man as they started getting ready to go back home, but the man was staying still.

The man’s hands would slowly be turning into black void covering his skin, as his green hoodie slowly turned into tiny green vines surrounding the black void skin, and his face slowly turned into a blank “ :) “ face in a really bright white color in his black void face, Penthos turned his head before going back to his shack as his eyes open wide open to the reaction of the wide figure standing still staring at them.

Penthos yelled at Thirio to run fast into the shack and so he did, Then the man chuckled behind his breath “i’m sorry for catching you off-guard, i must present myself, i am Aplistos, sent by the gods to punish humanity for you all abusing the resources they provided you mortals and just wasted it and threw it over and then had the audacity to try challenge the gods!” Aplistos claimed at Penthos, clueless of his gift and curse from Hades, as then Aplistos pulled out a knife, Penthos thought he would finally be granted death,  but the terrifying figure of Aplistos ran with his knife to another direction far from Penthos, what was the point? did he know he was immortal? no, then Penthos had the realization, he knew exactly where Aplistos was going, then Penthos went running after him but it was too late.

As soon as Penthos arrived he saw how Thirio’s body fell into the floor dead, as aplistos started laughing like a mad-man “i’ve noticed that taking people’s attachments is much of an easier way of having control over them,  it’s easier to make you mortals learn your lesson this way you know?’ Aplistos said as Penthos got filled with rage as tears fell from his eyes, his worst fear came true, the one person he cared about, the kid he raised, the reason he learned to be kind and soft once again, the ‘kid that never dies’, gone forever. As the rage filled Penthos while Aplistos laughed to death, Penthos grabbed a rock and smashed it on Aplistos head as Aplistos reached the same destiny as Thirio. 

But one does not cry forever, as Penthos made honor to his name, he reached acceptance and in honor to the one person that ever made him laugh, Penthos swore the rest of his infinite life to protect poor mortals from horrible monsters such as Aplistos, and make some good for humanity in all of the time he had got on his hands.